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Updated: Dec 19, 2018 255 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Herringbone Notch Cut Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Herringbone Notch Cut Sheath Dress Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I always like the cut of Maggy London dresses, but I tend to stick to solids with the brand because the prints can be a little out there — so I was happy to see this fun herringbone notch cut sheath dress. I like that it's a bit more interesting than your basic gray, but is still really polished and sophisticated. I'd wear it with a bright blazer or cardigan — I'm thinking hot pink but a red, purple, or green would also work. The dress is $138 at Nordstrom. Herringbone Notch Cut Sheath Dress This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Houda

    Happy holidays everyone!
    It’s been six months since I relocated to London. It was very tough but I am proud for beating the odds again.
    During the past few months, I was run to the ground with 80-90 hours weeks. I am off of work from Saturday 22nd until Monday 1st and I want to use these 10 days mend my wounds.
    I decided to plan a detox/soul nurturing period and wanted to share it here.
    Programme includes relatively clean eating: no green smoothies or elaborate recipes, just eating my meals on time and having organic everything.
    Another leg is meditation, maybe a bit of working out (I doubt it), some long painting sessions, finally reading through my book tower, cleaning my home, cooking, doing face masks and baths.
    I also booked few recitals to attend and I think this should be enough to get me back on track.
    For the medical side, I have also scheduled some blood tests before trying to ingest any vitamins or such.
    Is there anything you guys are doing to get back in mental, physical and intellectual shape?

    • Anonymous

      Relaxation facials and massage therapy from a registered massage therapist have been helpful in assisting my body to let go of physical stress after a tough period at work.

    • Leah

      Hard-core decluttering and paperwork purging. It’s taking up more room in my brain that it is in literal physical space, so it’s got to go!

      • Houda

        Actually, now that you mention it. I bought the tiniest hallway console that I could fit in mine, and have put every letter I received on it for the past 3 months because I couldn’t keep up. I will definitely plan for a letter opening session.
        I will also be writing my end of year letters and cards. I got some nice stationary and will be using my favorite ink. It has the same effect on me as coloring books, with the added effect of reviewing the year

    • Anonymous

      Walking. If I were in London I’d be walking for hours a day. My city isn’t as nice but it’s still my plan to walk at least a couple hours every day. Meditation and exercise together.

    • emeralds

      Goals for break: sleeping. Only checking email three times a day. Staying off social media–I’m good about Facebook but I could stand to do a lot less mindless scrolling on Insta. Going on runs and long walks. Writing at least a little bit each day.

    • Anon

      I set up my next year’s bullet journal (not pinterest worthy, just a paper calendar and to-do list) to lay out my calendar for 2019… and I realize I have a lot coming up. So I also booked a trip to a country I’ve never visited using miles.

      I don’t have any days off for the rest of the year other than the holiday on the 25th, but I expect some slow days, so I also plan to read and research about the place I will be visiting.

    • NOLA

      Christmas break is often the only time I get to completely relax because the university is closed and people aren’t emailing me, etc. In the week after Christmas, I make myself get out of the house at least every other day. Otherwise, I tend to hole up at home and it’s good to get out – get a pedicure, see a movie, go to actual stores (which I rarely get to do), go places that normally take more time than I have, like the outlet mall an hour away or the clearance center in the burbs that just takes time to go through clothes (I’m taking a friend there next week). On my home days, I take everything out of the room where I store things and reorganize and throw things away and make things more accessible so I’m not throwing things everywhere when I can’t find something I know I have, but don’t often use. This year, I will be going through clothes, trying things on, figuring out what fits and doesn’t, and doing a major purge, then I’ll take everything to donate, or to a friend who will take my worn out pumps to decorate for Mardi Gras. I also declutter and clean my house and get everything ready for no time during the semester. Enjoy your time and relax!

    • Daffodil

      Spa day! It forces you to relax. Or if you don’t want to commit a full/half day, get a massage to physically get rid of all the tension that’s built up. Always does wonders for me after a busy stretch.

      • Anonymous

        I indulge in regular massages (read, no less than every 3 weeks) from a cheap but effective local Thai place, and I’m only /regular/ busy (45 hours or so per week, office job). I don’t think I could keep up working out and a sedentary job if I was always super tight, which I am after a regular week of commuting and then sitting at my desk. I will happily give up other things to keep getting massages!

    • Rainbow Hair

      My husband and I have been gifted the best thing: someone taking care of Kiddo while we stay two nights in a nearby spa/resort/thing. It’s going to be SO relaxing! Plans: laze in bed, drink coffee (hopefully on a porch or balcony situation), explore a cute little downtown, swim?, laze around, try new beers?, get a massage?, sleep in. It’s gonna be awesome.

    • SC

      Sounds like a wonderful break! I like to combine relaxing activities for full effect–long walk to great coffee shop, fancy coffee drink, read book and write a letter at coffee shop. Work out, spend a few minutes in the gym sauna, and eat a healthy meal from the gym cafe. Long yoga class, stop by nearby trendy food co-op, meditate. (You can tell by my list of relaxing activities that I’m an extrovert and don’t like being at home all that much.)

    • Anonymous

      Not surprising given where we’re all commenting, but this whole thread is Self-Care for Rich, Privileged Ladies 101.

      • Myrna

        Man, it would suck to be you.
        And I say this as someone deeply in debt, with 2 little kids, but a roof over my head and a job where I can post on here during the day sometimes. You should try not being so bitter and petty.

      • Metallica

        Well, it could just as easily be called Self Care 101 for Women Who Work Their A$$es Off.

  2. Hazel

    I’m meeting my girlfriend’s dad for the first time over Christmas. I’ve met her mom and sister already, and she’s assured me they love me, but we both know her dad doesn’t approve. (On top of being female, I’m also not Asian, though at least I’m a lawyer). I’m trying to temper my expectations of winning him over. Any tips or shared experiences of first meetings with difficult parents?

    • Anon

      Your job is not to “win him over.” It is to establish a functional relationship with him.

      (This is what I tell everyone, fyi.)

        • Anon

          You’re welcome!

          I’m all about establishing functional relationships with the people who raised the person you love. But I think people go wrong when they give the family too much power. We’re all adults; we don’t need to kiss anyone’s tushes or play games. If the family member has an actual problem that they think means the relationship is a bad idea, they can address it in a discussion like a d-mn adult.

          My job is to be respectful to my in-laws, and their job is to respect me and my marriage. “Ironically,” get along rather well for having started with that baseline.

          • Anon in NYC

            Agreed. First and foremost, the baseline interactions with family (of origin or inlaw) need to be respectful. That is, in my opinion, the absolute minimum and should be standard. Getting along with them is just a bonus. Good luck!

          • Hazel

            Thank you both (again!) I’m coming from a baseline of a very tightly knit family where my sister’s husbands have been welcomed as brothers/sons, so this is a great calibration in helping me with the right tone to strike + goal to shoot for. :)

          • Betterandbetter

            You’ve gotten really great advice but I will underline your point about managing expectations. There are people who believe that when you marry (not suggesting that that is where you and your gf are- just saying) you create a relationship that is annexed to but superior to each person’s family of origin and there are people who believe you are just expanding everyone’s family of origin (which sounds like what you are describing as your family) and its difficult if you have different expectations than your in-laws . Or worse that your in-laws DO have the same expectations but believe you don’t count.

            Also this maybe a controversial suggestion but maybe be a little less demonstrative than you otherwise would be the first couple times you are around gf’s dad? I am queer too and would never suggest suppressing it long term but maybe in the beginning to grease the skids?

            Or better yet- ask your gf about it. The way I was brought up you aren’t especially demonstrative in public, even at family gatherings except maybe towards children so if any of my (straight) cousins brought someone home who always kissing them or had an arm draped around them all the time it stood out. Even hand holding would be strange. My parents basically only touched each other in public while dancing. I’m non-white but not Asian so I don’t know what the norms are.

          • Hazel

            Those are really good thoughts for a convo with my girlfriend. (I’m pretty squeamish about, say, kissing in public, but I wouldn’t think twice about putting my arm around her — so should definitely have that talk!)

    • C

      When I met my fiance’s parents for the first time (they were pretty mad he was dating someone not from their culture), our goal was to have everyone be able to be in the same room and be polite. I stuck to neutral topics or topics I knew would keep everyone happy and answered their questions in a bland-yet-positive way. They’re still not thrilled with the whole thing, but we maintain a level of civility and everyone is respectful. I also made some goodwill gestures, like attending a religious service that was really important to them, and they’ve done similar things, like sending gifts or cards on holidays that I celebrate but they don’t. Keep setting realistic goals but don’t base your happiness on his actions. You can only control what you do, not what he does or thinks.

      • Hazel

        Civil + willing to show goodwill sounds like exactly the tone to strike. Thank you!

  3. Anon

    Random question for the equestrian ladies here – is it pronounced “breeches” or “britches?” It’s shockingly hard to get a straight answer from Google!

    • Anon

      Ha, it’s hard to get a straight answer because there isn’t one. I rode competitively for 15 years and say breeeeeches, but I’ve heard both.

      • CorporateInCarhartt

        Agree there isn’t a straight answer. I’ve ridden hunter/jumper (largely east coast based) since childhood, and I say breeches. I’ve heard “britches” in a more old school context, but not much. And then the pants that the younger kids wear are usually “jodhpurs” or “jods.’ The ones you wear with paddock boots and garters.
        Pronunciation may differ in other disciplines or regions.

        • emeralds

          Huh, interesting! I interacted with a pretty diverse group of different (English) disciplines growing up in the mid-Atlantic/South, and have only ever heard breeches. Unless someone was getting too big for their britches.

        • Anonnnn

          East coast H/J here and mostly hear breeches. Occasional britches from the old school old money Virginia crew.

      • Is it Friday yet?

        I’ve also totally heard it both ways – I’ve evented from NY to FL, and did some H/J in college in the PNW. Don’t get me started on the PNW people that say “shaps” though. *shudders*

          • Anon

            Haha! Born and raised Seattlite, and never noticed that until you just made me say (to myself) a bunch of words that start with “ch”. Already knew I had an accent, though.

    • Anonymous

      I thought that breeches were what you wore to ride a horse and britches were what you got too big for.

      • Anon

        OP here and that was my understanding too, but then I saw something saying otherwise and got confused/started wondering if I spent my teen years saying it wrong!

  4. Anonymous

    I’m online dating for the first time and have a really hard time rejecting men who ask for a second date. I hate disappointing people and twist myself in knots to be able say “I enjoyed meeting you but didn’t feel a spark, good luck.” Honestly I’d rather not respond at all, which I know is supposedly less nice so I don’t do it, but it makes me feel miserable to have to deliver the bad news. I mean, I’m sure they will get over it, I’m not that amazing, but I still have this feeling.

    Any tips for reframing so I don’t dread doing what is obviously an inevitable thing? I’ve never had a bad reaction other than polite disappointment, and even though it’s not true, I have this feeling that I’m being really mean by rejecting them, or that I owe them another chance, or I feel bad that they spent money on drinks for me (even though I usually offer to split)…

    • Avis

      Does it help if you think of accepting a second date knowing that you’re not into the guy as the cruel thing to do? Telling him you’re not interested leaves him free to put his energy towards meeting the right woman.

      • Monday

        +1. I think there’s no totally comfortable way to do it, but your wording is fine.

        Turning it around: I definitely wouldn’t want a second date with a guy who knew he wasn’t interested and just felt bad saying no. I would much prefer to save my time and energy! If you feel the same way, maybe it would help to remember this.

        • Anonymous

          Yes — I wouldn’t want to be pittied so much that I got a Pity Date out of it. And I would have zero respect for someone who’d rather lead me on than just say “no, thank you” to pursuing a relationship further.

          Pretend your phone has a macro for “Not feeling a spark so moving on and not leading you on” and just get ‘er done.

    • Anonymous

      I struggle with this but just push through. The faster I send a “thanks, it was great meeting you but I didn’t feel a connection best of luck!” text the faster I can move on and the less stress I feel.

    • Anon

      Take this with a grain of salt because I’m also in the online dating game so obviously am not an expert at finding long-term love: I believe in karma – there’s a real human on the other end of that text message, and it’s the right thing to do to respond and not ghost. Say something kind but firm and let it go. Your wording is perfect! Totally agree with Avis – the right girl is out there for him and it’s not you, that’s ok! You don’t owe them anything more: I also always offer to split, but if he insists on paying, I let him. He’s a big boy, he’s also online dating and knows how this works, and he can make that call.

      I will say, first dates are tough, so I try to give a little leeway to the “sparks are flying” measure. Sometimes you’re nervous, he’s nervous, it’s a little awkward. I definitely say no to a second date if I feel bored, like it’s a cold fish, I’m creeped out, or if my gut is saying no for any reason. I’ll go beyond date one if I feel interested, intrigued, or warm towards the guy, in which case I’ll usually give it three dates. Second date expands on the first date, third date we go do something fun and interact in a new environment. If at that point I don’t feel any spark, I let it go.

    • Anon

      I met my husband on a dating app, but before meeting him I had lots of dates with men who are not now my husband. I rejected some, some rejected me. But the best rejection was at the end of a drinks date, the guy said, “well, I don’t think this is a match, but I enjoyed meeting you.” He told me to my face and not later and didn’t leave it ambiguous. I really appreciated it. Especially since it was in the moment and not a few days later after wondering about it.

      I adopted his approach after that, and it was really helpful.

      The most memorable was the guy who spent the entire 2 hour dinner date talking about his ex, and then was surprised I didn’t want another date! But even he didn’t get mad, he was just surprised. Hahaha he’s probably back with her… if I remembered his name, I’d try to figure it out online.

    • Anon

      I think I would reply asap: “Thanks but I’m not able to get together again!”

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think this is good wording. It doesn’t make it clear to them why and gives them room to ask things like, oh how about when you have free time again. I guess it’s just not as final as it should be.

      • Anon

        Eh I don’t like this. Of course you’re “able” to get together again- you just don’t want to. I also think a lot of guys would interpret this as you saying you’re not able to get together at the time/date he proposed, assuming he’s suggested something concrete for the second date. So he would (not unreasonably) suggest a different time and you could go round and round in a really awkward way. This response is deliberately confusing and if you can’t tell the truth, you should just do a slow fade I think (assuming it’s only been one or two dates).

    • Ellen

      Just say: “I had a nice time, but I really don’t see us going anywhere over the long term, and at my age, I am NOT into any kind of short term fling with you or anyone else.” That usually works for me, b/c most guys will think that it was not them PER SE, but the fact that you wanted a commitment, not a few cheap nights of sloppy s-x. As long as you phrase it that way, they will still feel MACHO, and move on to the next younger woman who WILL give them the cheap s-x they crave, w/o any commitment. A win-win for you and the guy who is able find other women willing to pull their panties down for him w/o comitment. YAY!!!!!

  5. anon

    I will have 1 day this holiday season (Saturday) to actually do anything fun. I have the whole day and will be in Houston. I can stay in and so something like bake cookies (but I’m on a diet and don’t generally love sugar)… or go out and do things. I’d like to get some holiday cheer and do something fun. I’m married, late 20s, no kids. I might also have one or both of my parents around and an old friend.

    • Owl Lover

      I love to look at Christmas lights. My aunt lives in Houston in a nice neighborhood and she says that they have companies that come by and decorate them with lights. I’ve always wanted to see this. Does Houston have any festivities around downtown? With a Christmas tree or a holiday village? local craft vendors?

      This time is also a great time of year to go gallery hopping. :)

      • anon

        You could ice skate at Discovery Green. We looked at the lights in River Oaks last weekend, and they were amazing. There are also carriages that will take you through there – no idea the name of the company, but that looked super fun. Downtown is also decorated nice with a big tree in front of city hall, etc.

        • anon

          I would also consider Rice Village. They have choirs singing regularly, but I don’t know the schedule, and the homes around there are also beautifully decorated. Plus, get a cookie from the Tiny’s cookie window.

    • anon

      zoo lights, drive around river oaks to see the lights, bayou bend christmas village

  6. Anon

    I’m pleased to see that the bump stock ban rule is going into place. While it’s long overdue and much more needs to be done too, I hope it will reduce the carnage in America’s next mass shooting.

    • Anon

      Agreed one big step. Although it’s sad to me that the one piece of agreed gun control is for the only item that not even the most hard core gun enthusiast can argue has any purpose beyond turning a legal weapon into a largely illegal/highly regulated weapon (semi to full automatic), and then only after a horrifyingly massive tragedy.

  7. Couch to 5K

    For reasons that now escape me, I decided to sign up for a spring race even though I’m not a runner. I know there are a ton of runners here, so any recommendations for a good couch to 5K program to follow? Or any other recommendations/advice about starting a running program?

    • Anon

      None to Run or Couch to 5k. They have slightly different philosophies and goals, so pick which works best.

      I am a *huge* advocate of walk/run and have my own walk/run developed.

      • Anon

        I haven’t heard of None to Run. Do you mind explaining quickly how it’s different from C25K?

    • Anonymous

      My #1 piece of advice is, whatever program you choose, to repeat weeks of the program as necessary. For me the need to repeat a week usually happens in the first third of the program when the running intervals are really ramping up in length, especially the week they hit 5 minutes.

      My #2 piece of advice is not to feel pressure to run the entire race without walking. Unless you have had a lot of time to train and build up your fitness, you will have a much more enjoyable experience and may even finish faster if you take one or more short walking breaks during the race. The run-walk method is actually quite popular even with experienced runners, at least according to the interwebs.

      • K

        I often run-walk when I do 5ks, agree that it is a better experience than pushing yourself to run the whole time.

      • Anon

        My half marathon time is just over 2 hours (which is not great but entirely respectable), and I’m the Anon above who developed her own run/walk plan. Yes, run/walk is legit.

      • Shenandoah

        +1. I don’t consider myself really a runner and run very inconsistently, but I’ve done many 5Ks and a handful of 10Ks. I ran a 10K recently that I was woefully unprepared for and was proud of myself for “running” the whole thing. But my time suffered quite a bit. I would have been better off with a run/walk plan. So don’t feel pressure to run the whole thing because it might not even be advantageous from a time standpoint.

    • Anon

      Nike Run Club app is great — you put in info, it makes a plan for you, and it updates based on how you’re doing.

  8. Kale

    I’m a transactional real estate lawyer at a firm and I need to do a 30 minute career day presentation to a group of 5th graders. Most career day presenters at this school put together some kind of fun activity related to their career. So, a surgeon allows the kids to sew up a felt stuffed animal, a 3D printer developer allows each person to pick something to print and assemble, a litigator puts on a mock trial, etc. And what fun activity does a real estate lawyer do with the kids?!? Let’s sit and markup a building purchase contract that you can take home?!? Yay?

    • Kale

      As a follow up, the teacher told me it needs to be a hands-on interactive experience involving the kids. Any ideas or suggestions?

    • Wink

      Focus on the property aspect – grab some simple or crazy materials (anything from Legos to Lincoln Logs to gingerbread house kits to dry fettuccini noodles+marshmallows for joiners), put them in small groups, and let them build houses or other buildings. Give criteria & prizes or just let them go, I think they’d have fun either way!

      • Anonymous

        I like this idea best. It is most closely related to what you actually do, and it’s on a more appropriate developmental level than just building houses.

        • Anonymous

          Her explanation of what she does makes me want her job (and I’m a lawyer). Some great tips in there.

        • Anon

          Wow that bl0gger is inspiring! Three kids, a full-time job, a side job and bl0gging on top of all that…I’m exhausted just thinking about it. If she reads here, kudos to you!

    • Anon

      For a more real estate side, I would bring shoe boxes with doors and windows cut out and let them “design” a room in a house, using construction paper to build 3d furniture. One group do a bedroom, one a living room, one a kitchen, etc. Then have them write up a “listing” for the room.

      You could also do more of the lawyer/contract side by having them do a mock negotiation. Assign buyers, sellers, and lawyers for both sides. Like a murder mystery, each person gets an envelope with their goals/ rules. So seller won’t take less than $150 and wants to close Sun through Tues, buyer won’t pay more than $175 and wants to close Tues through Sat. Lawyers have to do the negotiating, including a note from the bank that says buyer can’t pay more than $160 and it has to close Tues-Thurs, and write up an “agreement” and get them all to sign it. Or whatever. Do a couple rounds of that with the groups mixed up so everyone gets a chance to be a different role.

      I’m in Finance. I usually set up a mini stock market – I give them monopoly money, there are 4 stocks to buy, and then I spin a spinner to decide if each stock goes up or down and by how much. They get to decide at the end of each day whether to sell or not. After a “week” or two, then we see who made the most money and we talk about how you can make or lose money and it’s all just kind of luck.

    • anon

      This made me smile at a memory. When I was a child, my lawyer dad came to career day. I have no idea what he talked about but he brought yellow post its to hand out to the kids. I’m sure it was nothing compared to what other kids’ parents brought, but I got really into handing them out to everyone.

  9. pugsnbourbon

    Put on what I thought was an adorable outfit today: green dress, gray tights, light brown ankle boots.

    Turns out it’s cute because it’s a Peter Pan costume. With my pixie cut the resemblance was … strong.

    Just wanted to share a funny observation with a group that might appreciate it :)

    • Wendy

      ” fellow rettes, Is my Peter Pan cosplay professional enough? ”

      :D this brought me a chuckle. It’s tough when you get to work and realize, WHAT did I dress myself in ?! Or I get to my desk and think, man my face looks like a potato today.

      • Never too many shoes...

        The fact that your user name is Wendy only makes this comment more awesome.

    • Anon

      You know what would be cute with that? A hat. Bonus points if it has a feather. :)

    • Original Moonstone

      This gave me a flashback to showing up at my parents’ house (many years ago) in green leggings, a dark tunic, and supercute brown suede boots. My dad looked me up and down and asked where my Merry Men were.

      • Rainbow Hair

        OMG I’ve done the exact same thing. I was meeting my now-husband’s family, I think. I remember asking if I looked ok before we left the house (sigh, that’s its own kettle of fish) and then later being like “you didn’t tell me I looked like robin hood?!?” …”I thought you knew? I thought that’s what you were going for?”

    • Anonymous

      You should walk around crowing and asking whether anyone has seen your shadow.

    • Senior Attorney

      HAHA! That sounds awesome!!

      Definitely walk around saying “I gotta CROW!!”

    • Anon

      I once wore a shirt with vertical stripes and a suit with vertical pinstripes. Together. None of it matched. An officemate called me Joseph and another one asked me for Mentos. At least you can fly!

    • Worry about yourself

      Reminds me of when I wore a red dress with a mustard yellow cardigan. I thought it would be a fun color combo, but when I was in the bathroom that morning I looked in the full-length mirror and realized, to my horror, I was wearing McDonalds colors!

  10. Leah

    Where do ‘rettes invest outside of 401k/IRA accounts? Next year will be the first time I’m in a position to exceed those two options, so I’m brand-new to the concept. I know this is a high-achieving group, so thought it would be a good place to start.

    We are childfree, so not looking for 529 or similar options.

    • Anonymous

      Find a publicly-traded company you like, do your research, buy some stocks and hold on to them.

      • Falstaff

        This is extraordinarily risky. Only do this if you are OK with potentially losing the entire investment.

        • Annonnn

          Agreed. Ive read that when youre investing in stocks just assume you no longer have that money and its already gone – dont expect anything.

    • anon a mouse

      Vanguard. Start by reading the Bogleheads Guide to Investing and put your extra money in Vanguard funds using the strategies they recommend. You can always get more complicated later, but that’s an easy way to start.

    • Anon

      I use Ellevest which puts the money into a diversified portfolio mostly made up of Vanguard funds. They rebalance and fees are reasonable. I like it because I don’t have to think about it much.

  11. Do I need new friends?

    I’m in my late ’30s, and so are most of my friends. I feel like my friendships are struggling from lack of time spent together. I realize it’s partly a stage-of-life thing: we’re all married, most of us have 2-3 kids, and most of us also work full-time. So, nobody has much free time, myself included. But, sometimes it’s so discouraging to even TRY to get us together at the same time. We’ll plan something weeks in advance, and the day of the event, half the group will drop out because of Reasons. Which I get — life with kids is unpredictable, but since I somehow end up in the “organizer” role a lot, it feels more disappointing. Tonight is a good example of that. Four of us agreed that we were going to a Christmas event at a local bar. I texted everyone this morning to confirm plans. Only one is able to come, and she’s decided to bring along her neighbor that frankly, I don’t enjoy hanging out with (and I have a hunch the feeling is mutual). I feel like I’m a third-wheel at the thing I organized and have been looking forward to for several weeks. I can’t chalk it up to the holidays because this happens more often than not. I see plans as something you commit to; others see them as one of many options — which hurts.

    It’s so frustrating because, in contrast, our husbands get together every couple of weeks. Nobody backs out, and their gatherings happen spontaneously and don’t require three weeks and 10 text messages to coordinate. Wtf. I realize there’s a dynamic here where the women are more likely to twist themselves into pretzels to meet their families’ needs, and the guys are like, “Peace out, we’re going to Event.” My husband isn’t like that and encourages me to get out of the house more, but what he doesn’t see is the effort that goes into stuff that may or may not pan out. I’m tired of trying.

    I don’t know what the solution is here, other than stop trying to plan group stuff and just see my friends individually. When I pull back from being the organizer/ringleader, nothing happens at all and we’ll go several months without seeing each other.

    • Anon

      My kids are teenagers now so I can go anywhere I like at the drop of a hat, but when they were little it was harder. The thing I did was establish that Tuesdays were mom’s happy hour nights, which happened to coincide with half price bottles of wine at the bar near work. I didn’t go out every Tuesday – it depended on who wanted to go and whether I felt like it – but the kids and my husband just planned on me being gone and dealt with it. In fact, my husband had a line up of dinners he made for the kids on Tuesdays (cooking is usually my thing) that the kids loved. I think they were a little disappointed when I came home on Tuesdays to be honest!

      Whatever day you do, I think a standing date is good. Honestly, I lost a lot of respect for my fellow moms who completely lost all autonomy once they had kids. Most of my best hang-out friends are childfree, and that’s worked out well because they have been bonus aunties to my kids.

    • Baker

      Honestly, I’ve pulled back from friendships like this on the whole. I also tend to be an organizer, and it does start to feel personal when basically everyone in the group backs out at the last minute. My breaking point was planning a dinner party months in advance for a certain group with significant others (6 couples, plus me), and the couple days before, everyone except one couple backed out, mostly for stuff that was 100% predictable or avoidable. So, I only invite those people to events where either I don’t really have to plan or do anything OR there will be lots of other people who I love and I won’t be sad that no one is showing up. I’ve also had more luck sending a message that says, “I’m doing X on Y date, and I’d love to see you! Let me know if you’re in!” rather than going back and forth for weeks about a good date for everyone. For some reason my experience has been that those outings are the ones that fall apart most frequently.

      Luckily, I have several friends who either plan also or who treat our get togethers like actual appointments and always show up unless something truly unusual happens, so I find myself spending time with them a lot more, and those are the people who make up the core group of folks I invite to events that require more planning. Then I have a few friends who work best with last minute or spontaneous plans, so I’ll text them the day of or maybe a day in advance. Usually I can cobble together at least a small group by using these strategies.

      All this to say, you might need at least some new friends you can supplement your group with for when others end up not showing.

      • Scarlett

        I second just pick a date – every other month I host a night at my house and invite a large group of my female friends over. The only calendar I check is mine and people come. I also keep prep to a minimum – I channel Alison Roman and either order pizza or fried chicken, no apps and no advance planning (I order right before people show up so I have an accurate headcount). I’ve also found weekdays are far superior to weekends, Tuesdays and Wednesdays being the best for attendance.

      • Rainbow Hair

        I do this in the summer. We have a pool so about three times in the summer I am like, “hey, BBQ and swim on this date” and I invite liiiiike everyone I know: the cool colleagues who I want to know better, Kiddo’s friends and their parents, neighbors, my siblings, my parents’ friends, everyone. And they can bring whomever they want, too. And we have a guest room and a sleeper sofa so people can crash if they drink too much or just don’t feel like driving home. I ask people to maybe bring some meat for the BBQ or beer for the cooler. Sometimes it’s just two other couples and a few kids and we hang in the gazebo and chat; sometimes it’s a wildness of children throwing beachballs and playing in the sprinkler. I can’t count on anyone individually to come, but I cast a wide net and play the odds.

    • Anonymous

      I think you can say “hey ladies I’m really disappointed about this. I was looking forward to getting together and it hurts.”

      • Anon

        +1. I am alone most of the year so events like this require a babysitter for me. I had to spell out to my friends, even though they know DH is gone most of the year – “When you guys bail on plans last minute, it is really disappointing. I have to plan ahead and spend money on a babysitter, so I treat them like firm plans, not options. Can you please only commit to something if you’re going to actually try to come so I’m not out $50 when you all bail the day of?”
        It was HORRIBLE to say that via group text but I swallowed my pride and did it. I took the stance of “if they get mad at this, then better to know now so I can stop trying so hard to make plans with them.” But they got the message, apologized because they’d never thought of it from my perspective, and they really do make more of an effort to keep plans now.
        I hate that plans are widely considered options now. This FOMO thing is so rude and self-centered.

        • Anon

          +1 to “I hate that plans are widely considered options now.”

          It’s so rude, and it demonstrates that you think your friends’ time is worth a lot less than your own.

      • Rainbow Hair

        In a prior life, one of my friends was The One Who Had a Kid Young. When we were all meeting up for happy hour (none of the rest of us had kids), and then changed dates at the last minute, she was like, “uh actually that’s not cool because I arranged a babysitter and everything and you put me in a bad spot.” It was a real wakeup call.

    • Scarlett

      Are these women your friends or the spouses of your husband’s friends? I’ve had the best success getting groups together who are actually friends with each other versus trying to cobble a crowd or converselt inviting a large group of people with the expectation that only a small percentage will actually come. Just reading your post sounds like it could be the group you’re trying to corral hasn’t gelled as a group.

      • Do I need new friends?

        Yes, we’re all friends with each other. All these couples are from the same friend group.

    • MJ

      Also–I think that planning group events is too hard when everyone is crazy busy. Focus on 1:1 events. You’ll have a better chance of having the exact experience you want, and it is harder to bail on one friend versus group activities.

    • Anon

      How disappointing. I am so sorry this happened. I hate to be excited about something only to have it cancelled. Honestly, it is harder for me to do these things at 49 with a 15 year old than it was in my 30’s because my career was far less demanding then. I’ve pulled back on trying to do most things (except for occasional weekend birthday gatherings with my oldest, closest friends) with the understanding that my life should be more flexible when my daughter can drive. One thing that really saves me is my early morning running group. We meet almost every day – most of us make it 3-4 times / week, and the fellowship feels meaningful. Our regular hour to talk makes me feel connected socially during an otherwise extremely hectic time of life.

    • CL

      It may just be that the others are not enjoying the group meetings as much. I’m the flake of my group(s) and after some soul searching I realized it’s because I just don’t enjoy it enough to priotize it. I don’t think that can be changed and you may just want to see them individually or maybe find a new set of buddies by joining groups, volunteer etc.

      • Anon

        We had a long discussion of the flaky friends thing a few months ago. The group would advise you not to be the flake. If you don’t want to go, say so at the outset, but don’t flake last minute. It’s really a rude thing to do to your friends.

      • Do I need new friends?

        Then stop saying you’re going to come. It is so rude and hurtful.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        I also dislike big groups gathering. But I almost always turn them down at the outset, unless it’s a major event (birthday etc) in which case I will force myself to go.

        • CL

          Jeez, I was just saying! But yes I agree that is being a shitty friend to kick the can down the road like that. Regardless, me not flaking anymore doesn’t change the poster’s situation. Flakiness is hard to change (especially when meeting in groups because people think they can “disappear” unnoticed) and since you can’t squeeze orange juice out of apples I was just suggesting she’d look elsewhere for people that do like group meet ups. The whole group thing sets up a whole different set of issues and expectations and it may just be too much for some.

    • anon

      I recommend chatting by phone periodically. Put it on the calendar, even if it’s 20 minutes. I can call someone for 20 minutes when driving home, walking to work, whatever. It makes it way easier to keep in touch with people. Not everything has to be in person.

    • Anonymous

      I have actually found that spontaneous get-togethers can be easier to accomplish than planned events. Maybe try that on a day when you see you have an opening.

    • anon

      Commiseration. I often end up as the planner also. I can’t stand the back and forth of “Where do you want to go?” “I don’t know, where do YOU want to go?” and feeling responsible if it isn’t fun. And also feeling like you have to pick who to leave out because one person can’t come one day, someone else can’t come another day, etc.

      My latest strategy is to rope one other person in to doing something, plan the whole thing (date, time, place), then extend an invitation to everyone else. If it’s just the 2 of us, great. If others join us, great too.

      Oh and totally agree with anon at 11:15 about flakiness. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. If you don’t want to go, say so up front. I take it really personally when someone flakes out on me. I know there are legit reasons (sometimes kids get sick. I get it!), but if you do it a couple times and never reciprocate an invitation, I’ll take that as a hint that you don’t want to hang out and I’ll stop extending invitations. If you don’t want friends, don’t act like you do.

    • Anon

      I’m sure that having kids makes this worse, but me and my husband both have had friends like this and the majority of our friends are pre-children. It drives me insane. I think that there are people that genuinely see plans as “options” and actively overbook themselves to give themselves more options. This type of person also tends to respond that they are just “so busy,” etc., which frankly is not really an excuse. Like you’ve said, you are also busy and have managed to figure out time for this event, so logically, these other people would be able to as well if they wanted to. We have over the years kind of lost touch with these people and will sometimes invite them if we’re having a larger gathering but never for something smaller where we would need them to actually RSVP ahead of time and assume they would come.

      Also– something that may help with this group of friends– I used to have a standing trivia night on a Monday with about 7-8 people. We jokingly started saying that we needed a “quota” of people to play, so that if under 4 people could come, then the night was off. There were definitely times that people that had backed out decided to come last minute in order to make the “quota” so that others could have their night out, etc. It also helped that we were in a group chat so you could see that X number of people had already backed out so you kind of really needed to go, etc. Once you start realizing your presence is important, you are more likely to not back out, etc.

    • Anon

      Treating plans as options is just plain rude. It doesn’t matter if you texted the morning of, it doesn’t matter if something better came up, and it doesn’t matter if you are having trouble getting off the couch because it’s raining/you’re tired/you’re an introvert/etc. I’m an introvert who is often tired and who often dreads group events I’ve committed to, but I have never cancelled at the last second except for one occasion when I got sick. Being an introvert is not a free pass to be rude, nor is having kids or a husband or a busy schedule.

    • Anonymous

      Late 20’s, unmarried, no kids, and I already think my friend group is going that way. I also enjoy being the organizer more often than not, but after getting a series of no’s or noncommital responses I am also starting to struggle with being personally offended. A lot of my friends /are/ busier than me even if they are also unmarried, some have LTRs (I am single), some have pets, some have ill family members, so they also have Reasons. However sometimes I just get tired of organizing, and if I don’t organize it nothing happens. The cherry on the cake is that the flakiest ones are also best at paying lip service to “we should get together more!” and that’s almost more grating than just ignoring me all together.

      • Do I need new friends?

        Yep, this exactly. It’s hard not to take it personally at some point.

    • Julie Cantor-Weinberg

      Do you have a dog? I often meet my girlfriends who are fellow dog owners for walks on the weekend? The dogs always need to be walked & we get a chance to catch up? Plus, no one has to spend $ or dress up. I find this works best for 1 on 1. Even if you don’t have a dog, you could keep a friend w/ a dog company.

  12. Tampon question

    I’m almost 40 and have never used a tampon. I’m going on a beach vacation where in all likelihood I will be on my period so I need to use one. Questions:

    1. First off, can you truly go swimming with a tampon with no leakage?

    3. Can you recommend a specific one for me for this purpose?

    3. My understanding is that the string part is supposed to be out and that the cotton part (in the applicator) is supposed to be inside without the applicator, true?

    4. Finally, if you are going to the bathroom, do you need to take it out and put in a new one each time?

    Excuse my ignorance but I have no clue. Thanks!!

    • Anonymous

      1. Absolutely, if it’s in the right place.
      2. OB applicator-free.
      3. Yes. But I find that the kind with the applicator are difficult to get in the right place. I only use OB brand applicator-free, which are also better constructed than most brands so they leak less and are less prone to coming apart. Try different brands and styles to see what you like best.
      4. No.

    • Anonymous

      1- yes.
      2- any tampon will do. I like tampax unscented. use the smallest size that will be effective for your flow.
      3- yes. the string will be partially inside and partially outside. You should push the tampon in far enough that you don’t feel it after you take out the applicator. If you can still feel it, use your finger and push it farther in.
      4- generally yes.

    • Anon

      I would actually recommend not using OB for your first time. Use a tampon with a smooth applicator like Tampax Pearl. The applicator will help you get it into the right place and it will be more comfortable putting it in.

      And yes, if your tampon is put in not too long before you swim (not already used up) it will be leak free. Don’t buy the “light” size, buy the regular or super.

      I change a tampon any time I go #2, but not every time I go #1. You’ll be able to tell when it’s time to change. When you’re not swimming, wear a panty liner with the tampon, as you’ll get a little leak if the tampon gets completely full.

      I never wear a tampon longer than 6-8 hours.

      Hope that helps!

    • BB

      I have a slightly different experience. I’d say…
      1. Not necessarily – depends on your flow and how long it’s been in there. Medium flow, you should be fine for a few hours.
      2. I’d actually get something with a plastic applicator. I find they go in more easily and you don’t have to worry if they’re far up enough.

      Honestly, if you have some time, I’d get a Diva cup and try that instead since you’re new to it all. I have found that they are way less leak prone, and there’s nothing sticking out.

      • Anonymous

        Just chiming in, since it’s now here twice, that this response to No. 4 is personal, not a rule. It never occurred to me and I’m not entirely sure why it’s being presented as a rule. Changing is based on flow/fullness, plus avoiding TSS (so every 6-8 hrs regardless of flow). If it gets shifted, you may also just want to replace.
        I also recommend using an applicator the first time. It will give you a better chance to figure out the right plaement and overall, I suspect, be more emotionally comfortable for you.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for tampax pearl. I used my first tampon when I unexpectedly got my period during a Hawaii vacation. Personally, a super was enough for a 4 hour kayak/snorkel expedition with minimal to no leakage, but YMMV.

    • Anom

      I prefer cardboard applicators, which shockingly are now more expensive than plastic and only available as the “green” type brands. (This didn’t used to be the case) Also, there are instructions inside all packs with anatomical drawings. If you can feel the tampon after insertion, then it’s not inserted properly. You’ll do great! Have fun at the beach!

    • Playtex or Divacup

      When I used tampons, I preferred Playtex because they have a really smooth plastic applicator. However, this does result in more waste. I found Playtex to be the least leaky type. I switched to a Divacup ten years ago and never looked back. For me, it never leaks and there is nothing sticking out. You can boil and reuse it for years, and you can leave it in longer than a tampon. It also has a larger capacity than a tampon. If you go with a cup, get it early and practice insertion and removal.

    • Vicky Austin

      You have good answers here, I’d add the following:
      -Knowing what size and applicator type work best might take some trial and error – maybe experiment before your vacation?
      -If you can feel it, you did it wrong. Don’t be afraid to push it a ways up there, but if it hurts going in, change your angle (the thing that helps me most is “aiming” for the small of my back, rather than straight back or straight up).

    • Anon

      1. Yes
      2. I think the old fashioned ones with the cardboard applicator are easiest to use. There are ones marked “sport” (if you are in USA) that are designed for activity without leakage.
      3. Correct. The cotton part should be fully inside you and up a bit. The string can be left fully loose, just check that it’s not hanging outside your swimsuit, or you can tuck it up in your outer ladybits.
      4. You don’t need to replace it every time you go to the bathroom.

      If I were you, I’d practice a bit ahead of time. You can put one in for practice even though you aren’t on your menstrual cycle, just be sure and remove it soon after. It shouldn’t be harmful to leave it in go r 20 or 30 minutes so that you can walk around, sit down, etc to see if you have any discomfort. If you do have discomfort, it may not be high or deep enough in you. Take it out and on another day practice again.

      • Is it Friday yet?

        YMMV, but I find insertion and removal of tampons on days when I don’t have decent flow really uncomfortable and drying – sticks going in, hurts coming out because there’s nothing to lubricate. Like, it’s avoid wearing if at all possible uncomfortable – one of the reasons I am now team cup. Personally, I would NOT put one in for practice for that reason.

        • Anon

          I agree. I can’t imagine trying to put in a tampon if I wasn’t on my period, because they’re just wouldn’t be enough lubrication. If you do try when you’re not on your period and it’s uncomfortable, I would not assume it would be when actually needed

    • Anon

      For me, Playtex Pearl or Sport are the least worst. I find tampons tolerable at best and prefer pads wherever practical.
      They’re totally do-able for swimming. I do tend to have a little bit of leakage but all my swimsuits are black and it’s not enough that anybody would ever notice, but everybody’s different.
      I do feel a tampon, no matter the brand, size or how far up it is. That said, it’s a different feeling when it’s truly not situated correctly.
      A little bit of lube on the tip of the applicator can be helpful, especially at first.

    • Flats Only

      OB can be hard to place for a rookie. Get ones with an applicator. The directions in the box are very accurate and have pictures so the whole thing makes sense. I remember reading them by myself when I was 13 and having no trouble whatsoever on my first try.

    • anon

      I find that the best angle to put it in is like, you kind of put the tampon applicator flat inside your inner l@bia, parallel with the floor, with the applicator opening pointed towards your back. Then kind of gradually sweep it upwards so that it’s in you and pointed towards your lower back (it does not go straight up). Push the applicator in until the grippy part at the bottom is the only thing sticking out of your body. Then push the little stick part in all the way, then pull out the applicator. I like the target knockoffs of tampax pearls.

      I have a light flow and typically leave in the lightest absorbency for about 8 hours. It is uncomfortable to take the thing out before it’s saturated.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know if this is wise or stupid but my gynecologist can prescribe a pill to reset the cycle and improve its future timing. I don’t know if that’s an option for you.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I am afraid I’m becoming the Diva Cup evangelist stereotype here but… perhaps consider a cup if you’re trying something new anyway? I find them much more comfortable and less confusing that t@mpons because they don’t have the “how much absorbency” question. The first time I used one was for a girls getaway with a ton of swimming — no problems! Because it’s a cup that goes to the edges, there’s a seal, so it feels pretty secure for swimming. [steps off soapbox]

      • Periods Suck

        +1
        I hate tampons so I use the cup almost exclusively (panty liners on very light days). Tampons dry me out, which give me yeast infections. The cup is much more comfortable for me. YMMV, though, and if you won’t use it when you get back tampons might be more cost effective.
        If you’re going with tampons, I would get something with a plastic applicator, like the Tampax pearl. I find that putting one foot on the toilet to help spread me out makes insertion easier.

      • Divacuplover

        Came here to say the same. I tried tampons and found them hard to deal with, painful to take out during the end of my period etc.

        I LOVE the cup, it does have a slight learning curve but I think you should be able to manage without issue after the first couple of times playing around with it. Much easier to figure out than the tampon in my personal experience

    • Anon

      +1 to all the recs for Tampax Pearl – the applicator is a really smooth plastic, and makes insertion much easier. I don’t have a rule about changing when I go to the bathroom, I go when the tampon feels full; changing too frequently is very uncomfortable (it is literally pulling dry cotton out of you – not a great feeling).

    • cake

      Can I just say this community is lovely for answering these questions in such a respectful way.

  13. Work travel via Amex

    We now have to book and pay for all work travel using the Amex travel agency, which I loathe. The service is bad, the hotel choices are quite limited (and I have a private club membership, so can often stay in very low cost rooms in reciprocal clubs when I travel, which has never been a problem until now; the cost is usually half of what a hotel would be in the cities I usually travel too and the location is often closer to where I need to be). I gather the Amex kickback is high, but doubt they are getting rooms for half off.

    Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this? When the ultimate pricing isn’t transparent, it’s hard to make a persuasive case that X has lower costs than Y.

    I’m fine using it for flying, but on the hotel piece in NYC and DC, I am livid. And their “online booking tool” is a complete joke. I hate Amex and my secretary hates Amex and I refuse to use Amex outside of having to for work.

    • Anon

      Not to go negative Nancy on you, but… Stop worrying about costs. Work is paying for it. You have to use the Amex booking, so just gulp and use it. Part of my job is corporate card procurement support and I am sick of people asking this question. Someone at sourcing set up the mandate, it’s company wide, I have no power over it. Just do it and stop making me collect emails with “exceptions”. If the costs are exuberant, sourcing will switch to another kickback program in a year. And I’m sorry you can’t get points on your preferred hotels but that’s just how it is. Fill out your employee survey and tell leadership how much you hate this. If you hate it enough, look for a different job (most people don’t, so ultimately no one cares – sorry!). FYI, in many companies the kickbacks are designed to pay for the procurement team. So from their standpoint more spend = bigger budget. Make what you will of this obvious conflict of interest.

  14. Anonymous

    You guys, I don’t know what to do. I’m up for partner for the first time this year. As part of the process, I’m required to submit a list of references from partners in the firm. I spoke with my potential references weeks ago and they were all happy to serve as references. I promptly submitted my list.

    Last night, one of my references told me he could not recommend me for partnership. Although he’s happy with my work and thinks I’ll make partner someday, he believes that laterals should be with the firm at least 5 years before making partner. I’ve been with the firm 3 years. There’s no 5 year rule in the policy; this is just how he personally feels. I spoke with him today but his mind is set. He thinks I should withdraw my name from consideration for partnership.

    I don’t know what to do. I wish he’d told me this when I talked to him about being a reference for me. I’m wondering if other partners feel the same way but no one wanted to tell me. Is there anything I can do here?

    • Anon Equity Partner

      If he is one of many then do nothing. He’s up against the bulk of people who presumably feel otherwise and his issues are persuading them (not getting you to knuckle under). FWIW, a good lateral can walk out the door, so IDK why he’d actively push. Unless you do 90% of your work for him, I’d let him be drowned out by your other references (who you should give a head’s up to re this, along with anyone who is your main champion). This is a HIM issue and don’t make it be a YOU issue.

      If this is to be a firm policy, it’s a management committee discussion, not a one-partner making a rule thing.

    • Anonymous

      I’m irritated for you. That’s not cool. Is there someone you trust on the partnership committee or a partner mentor that can talk this out with you? I don’t understand why you should withdraw from consideration- is he worried about the effect of a negative vote? Does it have to be unanimous?

    • Anon

      No advice, but that’s awful. What a jerk, to say he’d serve as a reference and then turn around and do this.

      • Ellen

        Yes, I agree. My manageing partner was NOTHING like this b/c he molded me into what I became, and taught me so much about law firm practice; so in many ways, I am a younger, cute female version of him–kind of like his own daughter! So I now consider him like family b/c we are in it together at the firm! YAY!!

    • anon a mouse

      Are there any partners who started out as laterals? Can you figure out their timetable?
      I think it’s also worth going to at least one of your other references to seek additional information. Is this view out of sync with the mainstream? And, is it better to go up for partner this year, not make it, and try again next year? Or is your firm culture such that if you don’t make it once you will never make it?

    • Anon

      What an a-hole. Sorry! My guess is that this partner somehow got it in his head that by you making partner it will reduce his share. (I’m assuming all equity partners here.) I am not up for partner yet, but monitor this closely at my firm and there is one group of partners here that is very territorial, for lack of a better term, that adding a partner will reduce their share of the partnership. The partners who do not share this view think it is short-sighted and that adding partners with a book of business enlarges the pie for everyone. Maybe take a look at your book of business, profitability, etc. and be prepared to mention these specific points to your other references, because I’m thinking this is a numbers issue.

      • Anonymous

        Relatedly, could be that the partner would prefer to (and is) vouching for someone who has been there for 5 years and they can only make one partner. So it’s still a numbers issue. If you can get additional references from powerful partners, you might want to try?

        • OP

          Thanks all. Just for clarification – I’m not eligible to be an equity partner, I’d be an income partner. Just in case that makes a difference for anyone.

    • Nope

      This may not be good advice. But… I would really want to ask him why he agreed to be a reference in the first place. Because it’s one thing if he just doesn’t support a lateral with less than 5 years loyalty, on principle. But it’s another thing (a psychotic, crazypants thing) to agree to be a reference, and then quite bipolar-ly “remember” that he has a personal problem with your timeline. This guy is nutso and I’d call him on it.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t let one comment derail you. Check with others about the best strategy.

  15. Anonymous

    I really want the Theory power sheath dress, and it just went on sale at Nordstrom! I’d love a matching blazer but I can’t tell if one exists. Any advice? What would you wear over this dress in a formal setting? Even at $200 it’s beyond what I normally spend, so I want to make sure I’m doing it right.

    • C2

      Unhelpful reply: super pretty, but it seems like a stand-alone garment to me. I’m honestly not sure what I’d wear it with, perhaps a gray blazer or jardigan to compliment the pinstripe? You could contact Nordies customer service to see if they have any answers. I’d want to see how the layering piece looked and sat over the shoulders of that dress, which seem a little padded.

      On a related note: does anyone live a life where the Theory Pinstripe Blazer Dress would fit into your wardrobe? If so, what do you do and how can I get into whatever you’re doing, because I want to rock that dress.

      • Anon

        Agreed. The whole point of that dress is the shoulders. Don’t cover them up!

        • Anonymous

          This makes sense. But what if I’m cold in a conference room?

          Thanks for your advice. I’m at a stage in my career where I’m starting to be part of more and more big deal negotiations with the big boys and girls, and I have an urge to step up my wardrobe game and look the part without wearing the same 2-3 suits over and over again. I kind of want to plan out a capsule wardrobe or be more strategic about buying some good pieces for these kinds of days. Maybe I will do some wardrobe strategizing over the holidays :) Maybe I should visit a Nordstrom personal shopper.

          • Pale Girl Snorkeling

            Yes go for a personal shopper Nordstrom visit. The jacket I got there for an interview has become one of my most worn pieces and the interview outfit they put together for me was perfect. I’m not a super easy size to fit, but my shopper found everything I wanted and at price points in my budget. And they did all my alterations at the same time. I’ll go again any time I need new clothes that aren’t in my current wardrobe

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      I have this dress and just wear it on its own, including for depos (I rarely wear a suit for depos).

  16. Anon

    Best hotel using Marriott/SPG points in Paris? I made a reservation at the Renaissance Vendome but I can always change it. I’m going in early May 2019, staying solo, but possibly meeting friends there for some of the days. They will not be sharing my room.

  17. Anonymous

    Has anyone left a ‘too bad to stay, too good to leave’ marriage? DH and I have been through two different counselors. In counseling and/or arguing for most of our marriage. Been through two different counselors and tried individual therapy. After 12 years of marriage and 3 kids, I’m just worn out with it. No cheating/drugs, he’s not a bad person but he’s just not a very good husband in terms of empathy, being a team player, accepting boundaries, letting small stuff go. I feel like my marriage is sucking so much energy away from my kids and my job which I really love. I just feel really bad about breaking up the family because I’m tired and unfulfilled.

    • BeenThatGuy

      It’s okay to want a divorce. You did not fail your family. You matter. Your happiness matters. Your kids will be fine.

    • Anonymous

      I’m divorced. One thing to consider is whether you are also willing to give up 50% of your kids. Meaning, if you divorce, will it still be worth it if you have every other weekend completely kid-free? There is a lot to unpack here, because also consider that your children will seek out a marriage that looks like yours, when they get to be that age. It’s super complicated. There’s a few books that might help, one is called The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce and it sounds like you’ve already read Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. It might be worth having separate bedrooms from your spouse but staying cordial and married, if that’s something he would be open to. (Given your history of a difficult relationship, he might be open to it.)

    • Senior Attorney

      Yes and once I got out I realized it was not in any way too good to leave!

      It’s horrible for a while but then life on the other side is so much better!

    • Empathy to you

      There’s no benefit to your kids in “keeping the family together” if it means they have a Mom whose energy is constantly sapped and who is always unhappy (your kids will definitely pick up on this and it will affect them too). Of all of my friends with parents who divorced, literally all of them have said it would have been better if their parents had divorced SOONER and spared everyone the charade of “keeping the family together.”

    • Anonymous

      This sounds like exactly the kind of situation where a divorce can improve things for everyone. There’s nothing so wrong with him that it would be disastrous to leave him alone with your kids (“too bad to leave”). The kids can get the benefits of happier parents without the risk of abuse or retaliation or without feeling abandoned. The adults I know whose parents split up in these circumstances are grateful for the positive effect it had on their childhood.

    • Of Counsel

      Make a list of what will be better if you get a divorce and what will be worse (an actual physical list on papers in columns). When looking at the minuses, be sure to account for the fact that some of them will be short term and some will be forever (telling your kids will be hard, but they will get over it; splitting holidays with your ex will last forever). Be realistic about what this will do to your finances and child responsibilities, but also about the relief in not having to deal with him.

      If he marries someone else and has kids with her, will you be upset or will you think “better her than me”? How much will it bother you to not spend alternate Christmas mornings with your kids? How does that balance against the downsides of staying with him?

      And once you have considered all of those things, either bite the bullet and get a divorce (talk to a lawyer BEFORE you tell him) or bite the bullet and decide that the upsides are worth staying married and then live with that decision.

      I have seen some women in this situation who think they did the best thing by getting a divorce and some who think it was the stupidest thing they ever did. Only you can decide where the balance is for you. Sorry you are going through this!

      • Anon

        +1 to this. And assume you’ll be single for the rest of your life, and think about what that would look like – living alone after your children are gone, not having a travel partner in retirement, etc. You may meet someone great, but I don’t think you should get divorced assuming you’ll meet a wonderful replacement partner because it may not happen. Ramshackleglam is a bl*gger who’s been writing pretty honestly about her recent divorce and its aftermath. She initiated it, but still seems pretty shell-shocked by some of the consequences including that she won’t have her kids’ half the Christmases etc. Reading her posts might give you some idea of what the downsides will be. (Not trying to discourage you. Just saying that I feel like things always seem better when I go into them expecting the worst. Then I’m usually pleasantly surprised that it’s not as bad as anticipated).

    • Happy

      I was in this marriage (I ever bought the book with the same title!). I’ve been divorced for two years now and I am so much happier. It has been such a relief to be free to seek someone who makes me truly happy.

      On paper, I had a good, stable marriage to a nice man. My ex-husband was a nice guy and a good friend, but I was no longer in love with him. I still can’t pinpoint when I fell out of love with him, but I found myself unhappy and lonely. For a long time I felt like I was searching for something “worthy” of justifying a divorce. On the rare occasions we fought I would ask myself: is this was “enough” to justify leaving him? After some time, I realized that I was searching for a justification for the decision I had already made. I decided that my happiness is justification enough.

      Your husband does not have to be a “bad guy” before you can leave him. My husband was never a bad guy. He was, and is, a good friend. One of the great reliefs of my life was finding that my friends and our family did not demand a reason. I told them that this was the best choice for me (and for my ex-husband, who deserves to be loved) and they’ve accepted it.

      You can and should prioritize your own happiness. If this is a decision which is right for you, then it does not require further justification.

    • Jules

      I don’t see how this is “too good to leave.” (Just because he doesn’t cheat/do drugs/abuse you does not mean it is a “good” marriage.) You are unhappy and being sucked dry by the marriage, and that is a valid reason to end it. I divorced after 26 years that were up and down but during which I felt like you do a fair amount of the time. I should have left earlier. I’m sure it seems daunting because of having three children, but you will get through those challenges.

      Sending you hugs.

    • OP

      Thanks for the responses everyone – lots to think about. One of the hardest things is definitely the idea of not being with my kids all the time but not sure if I’m there for them in the best way right now either.

  18. Pompom

    Daily Burn vs. Aaptiv (v. another app you like): GO!

    Looking for variety of workouts, difficulty levels, and use of equipment in a standard gym. Would like it to play my music but that’s not necessary. Visual form guides and/or verbal cues would be helpful.

    • Pompom

      Coming back to add: I use fitness blender now and like some aspects of it, and could be convinced to save my dough and stick with them. Just curious if the apps are worth it?

    • Aaptiv

      I really enjoy Aaptiv and it has a huge variety of workouts. However, each workout is set to music selected by Aaptiv or its trainers. The music is original versions of songs, not the cheesy workout covers you get with some workout apps. It has no visual prompts or video examples of exercises. It is audio-only which is why I love it.

    • Anon

      I use Aaptiv (though admittedly not as often as I should – planning to up my game in 2019!) and I really do like it. There’s a pretty big variety of workouts, and I really like the strength trainers and workouts. I find their verbal cues to be pretty good, but there is no video. You cannot play your own music, but there is a lot of variety in the playlists, and you can filter by type of music (and I think the playlists are usually pretty fun also). They add new workouts pretty frequently and they have a planning feature so you can add which workouts you want to do. I haven’t used the other app you mention, but can say I think Aaptiv is pretty enjoyable.

      • Anon

        Also – I do have a 30-day guest pass for Aaptiv if you want me to send to you, post a burner email and I will send.

      • Pompom

        I forgot about this one! I like the visuals and the timers.

        I might just need to create a Franken-plan of fitness blender and Nike, and youtube? Does anything I haven’t mentioned exist for elliptical, spin, and the dreadmill?

        Thanks for the tip on Aaptiv, Anon at 1:10/1:19. Intrigued by it, but on further research, I’m not sure it’s right for me. I really need a visual! Cue the klutz over here…

    • 312

      I think you’d like Aaptiv for what you’re looking for. It has audio workouts for cardio machines – treadmill, eliptical and bike. It also has some training programs, but hey don’t have visuals and I couldn’t get into them. Daily burn is definitely more for streaming a workout at home and working out in your living room. I think it would be hard to do in a gym. I really like the Tone it Up app if you’re looking to workout at home.

      • Anon

        I’m the anon at 1:10/1:19 – and yes the cardio training for the stairs and treads and rower are great! I can’t believe I didn’t mention that the first time. I get so bored doing cardio all by my lonesome.

  19. Calling Silent Treatment from Husband

    This is for the person from the other day who got the silent treatment for secretly not going to he gym. Had a random thought. Disable the “find my phone” detectability of your cell phone. Sorry not sure what it’s called exactly. You don’t want this guy tracking your movements. Take care.

  20. K

    Just got a call that my first boyfriend died on Monday in a car accident. We’re both 24 and hadn’t spoken since high school. I don’t feel sad yet just.. shocked. Definitely wasn’t expecting a funeral right before Christmas. I feel so bad for his parents.
    Sorry for the downer, I just wanted to talk about it.

    • emeralds

      I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I had something very similar happen shortly after I graduated from college, and in some ways it was harder to process than a few losses that hit closer to home. He was my first boyfriend in high school, so I went though a lot of personal milestone, cultural touchstone events with him, like my first kiss and senior prom. At the same time, we didn’t keep in touch after high school (we parted amicably, we just went in different directions), so I didn’t feel like I deserved to be that broken-up about his death.

      But to this day, it feels so strange to think back to high school, and to realize that this person who for a while was so important to me–just isn’t there anymore. And that in a lot of ways, I can’t think about my senior year of high school without also reflecting on that loss. So, just know that I hear you, and that I’ll be thinking about you.

      • Ellen

        Yes, Hugs. I’ve had a few people I went to school with die, 1 by accident and 2 by an adverse drug reaction. I was NOT close to either of them, but being that they were in their 20’s, it shook me up, b/c who knows what can happen to us at any time. Just today, there was a guy who drove the wrong way on a highway on LI and he hurt alot of people, including himself. I often do NOT want to drive at all, b/c of all the other crazy peeople who are out there behind the wheel. FOOEY!

        I wish all the HIVE a happy holiday and new year’s! I hope I find a new guy this year and am MARRIED by year end. I do NOT want to bank on that so I am going to pursue IVF while my eggs are still coming. I hope that works, otherwise, I will be really unhappy. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Vicky Austin

      I’m so sorry to hear. Those who knew you when you were young are always special, even when life’s moved on. Hugs to you.

    • Grieving

      I’m so sorry. I just found out my ex died unexpectedly last week and it’s been very hard to get past the shock and feelings of grief. Hugs to you, and it will get better (I keep hoping, anyway).

  21. Anonymous

    Need a book gift for SIL. Something light, but not trashy or strictly comedy (not looking for a book by a comedian). She’s got teen boys and is a preK teacher.

    Amazon is massive and I forgot to grab something last time I was in a brick & mortar.

    • Anon

      The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. Reminded me of a fictionalized account of Elizabeth Taylor’s life, written with a lot of heart and warmth.

      The Air You Breathe, this epic book about friendship and glamour and intrigue, about two women samba players who make it big, that hits a ton of themes but manages to feel light. One of my favorites of the year.

    • Anon

      This Is How It Always Is isn’t suuuuper light due to some more serious themes, but it’s a very quick read and a wonderful, uplifting story with a happy ending. I loved it, and I see above that AAM did too.

  22. Anonymous

    Question for Lawyers — I have a high school senior boy who is in the midst of college acceptances. He is going to be a history major with plans to go to law school (though not necessarily to be a lawyer). He is very interested in current events, policy, international relations, European history.

    The question is – how much does it matter where he goes to undergrad in terms of going to law school? so far his options are Ohio State, University of Illinois, University of Minnesota, University of Wisconsin, Indiana, Oregon. Both Indiana and Oregon are giving him some merit scholarship money and he would be in their ‘scholars’ program.
    Have not heard from Michigan yet, which is the most expensive and likely will not get in. We are from the west coast and yes is also applying to UCs and Washington but we won’t hear form those until spring.

    thanks!

    • Anon

      Noooo why is he going to law school if he doesn’t want to be a lawyer? Have you learned nothing from this s*te? In all seriousness, do your best to discourage him from going to law school unless he actually wants to practice law and has done his best to understand what that entails.

      As far as undergrad, I don’t think it matters much. GPA and LSAT score are by far the most important. If you go to an insanely prestigious place like Harvard, you might get a slight bump for that. But public school rankings don’t matter much as far as law school admission. I think he should just go to whichever school he feels will be the best fit and will allow him to take classes he’s most interested in (and hence likely to do well in).

      • Anonymous

        Well he *does* want to be a judge (I know! he is 18 so really doesn’t know…but right now he thinks he wants to go to law school and maybe go into law, politics, etc).

        thank you for the rest of the information — very helpful and I think good advice!!

        • Suburban

          I think that most people who want to go to law school, but not be a lawyer, are yearning for some sort of prestige. I get it. It’s still not justifiable.

          Also, if he doesn’t want to be a lawyer, he doesn’t want to be a judge. Careers in business and politics are better pursued with hands on experience than with 3 years and tens of thousands of dollars spent poring over casebooks and learning the theoretical fundamentals of a career that is tangentially related to the one he might like to pursue. People like to say you can do anything with a law degree, which is true, but everything beyond practicing law can be done faster and more efficiently.

      • Anonymous

        Co-sign. Good grades and a solid relevant academic experience will help for his next step, whether that be law school or something else.

    • Anon

      “He is going to be a history major with plans to go to law school (though not necessarily to be a lawyer).”

      Noooooooooo!!! Do not go to law school unless you want to be a lawyer.

      Law school acceptances are largely driven by GPA and LSAT scores. Actual undergrad only matters in very broad terms (eg Princeton vs Rutgers).

      But I think you should re-frame your views on this. If your son is grad school material, then college is 4 of 7 (or 6, or 9) years of higher ed. Graduate school prestige usually matters more than undergrad. The big consideration is money. It makes no sense to spend gobs of money on college and take out huge loans for law school.

    • anon

      definitely should not go to law school if he doesn’t want to be a lawyer. i work in higher ed and one thing that a lot of students do not think about is the geographic impact of where they go to school in terms of what that means for post-graduation job prospects and the alumni network. i would suggest contacting the each school’s career services office and ask for their post graduation employment report which usually includes info on where people are geographically and the most popular companies/industries. a lot of times even if a company is a national company they might recruit on a regional basis for their local offices. i work at a university where students come from all over the country, but then are often surprised when it is not as easy as they thought it would be to return to their home state (if that is where they are hoping to go).

      • Rainbow Hair

        This is so true. I went to [let’s say, because it’s not true but close enough] Harvard for law school. I was trying to get a job in Chicago. A recruiter told me, “Sorry but I’m only looking for people with really stellar academic backgrounds, like Northwestern.” No shade on Northwestern, but like ??? Anyway, I think that what she must’ve meant (and what I heard explicitly from other places) was that my very shiny academic credentials weren’t as important as a local network.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you – also very helpful!! Very good advice from you guys. My husband and I are both west coast engineers :)

    • Anon

      Setting aside the “don’t go to law school unless you want to be a lawyer” concern–I think undergrad prestige matters less than you think (based on my classmates at a top 10 law school). More impressive is taking advantage of horizon-broadening opportunities, which is more likely to happen when he’s in an environment that’s a good fit. If he’s interested in international relations and European history, then focus on a school that has well-programmed study abroad options, connections to get students political or policy internships, active student organizations like Model United Nations or debate. If he’s going to work while in school, can he work for a professor in his chosen field or a campus office that’s in the study abroad center, etc.

      The schools you named are all outstanding, but midwest based. As another poster said, is he considering living in the midwest after graduation? He’ll likely want to work a few years before law school (IF law school), and he’s going to get a job easiest in the same geographical region he went to school.

      • Anonymous

        Yes he would be open to living in the Midwest after graduation. We visited U of Illinois, Wisconsin and Minnesota — and really enjoyed it. He’s never been but is intrigued by Chicago :) we both absolutely adored Minneapolis.

    • Assistant Professor

      I agree with the others- which undergrad college he picks out of the choices you listed won’t make any difference at all, as law school acceptance is mostly about LSAT score and GPA. So, to maximize the chances for the highest GPA, he should pick the college he gets the best overall vibe from, since he will do better academically if he is happy and feels he fits in at his university. To get the best feel for each school, have him do overnight visits if at all possible at each (live the student life- stay in the dorms, eat in the dining hall, socialize with the students) to see what it really feels like to be a student at each institution. The “gut feeling”about where he fits in best is really important in the college choice decision- he should not ignore it.

      Also, the scholars program at Oregon and Indiana might be a really good option if he wants to aim for a high GPA. Studies show that the number one predictor of a student’s grades in college is the grades of his/her friends. If he is in a group of friends who take classes/learning seriously, so will he. But, if his friends all put partying before learning, he will too, and his grades will show it. So, honors programs are great in that he will be surrounded by other high achieving kids, and it will rub off on him.

      • SMC-SD

        My kid is at Oregon and I second this! She loved the campus from the minute she saw it, loves the programs, the city, the weather (??), the “feel” of the campus and that has definitely translated to her grades. Which is not to say that Oregon is the right campus for everyone, but campus visits and picking the one that feels right (and that you can afford) is key.

    • Anon

      To answer your question, if he really wants to go to law school then GPA and LSAT scores matter more than where he went to school. He would be better off with a 4.0 at Oregon than a 3.4 at one of the elite UC schools. However, if he has the option of a school in the area he eventually wants to live, he should go there to take advantage of the local alumni network and local graduate bias.

      As someone who recently went through this, I strongly recommend visiting the campuses you can afford and letting him pick the best “fit” of the acceptable schools. I know there is a strong preference here for “flagship” state schools (good luck if you are in California) or Ivy League schools, but my kid went to the school that she felt best about (physical location, weather, size of city, extracurricular activities offered, ideal balance of away from home/different vs. being able to get home if needed, etc.) That turned out to be a great decision and loving where she is at helped a lot with her mental health, which translated to really good grades.

      Also, tell him to be very, very, very careful about going to law school with the goal of not being a lawyer. Perhaps encourage him to reach out to people who have the job he wants and find out how they got there? And ask about internships.

    • Britt

      I went to Indiana as a scholar, in state. No intent to pursue law school at the time. Took two years to consider my options, then applied to law school.

      I found it fairly easy to perform well at Indiana; it was such a party school that my professors fell all over themselves to give me extra attention once I made my engagement clear. I graduated magna with a triple major.

      I only applied to three law schools (Michigan, Northwestern, and UChicago) and was promptly accepted by all 3 with money. Now I am 10 years out and rather wish I had explored coastal schools, but I wanted to be in the Midwest because of family.

      • Anonymous

        OP here – yes we did visit Minnesota, Illinois and Wisconsin already – LOVED Minnesota and also enjoyed Wisconsin. We agree that if he goes to school out there – he should be thinking about living out there for awhile (which he is).

    • Anon

      Also putting aside the insanity of going to law school if you don’t want to be a lawyer (and the practicality of a history degree), don’t forget that the legal field is school snobby. I concur that undergrad doesn’t really matter but if your son isn’t competitive getting into top undergrads, then he will struggle come time for law school applications. Being dead set on going to law school is not going to do him any favors if he puts all his eggs in that basket. A history major is useless generally (he could get lucky and find a job but it would be a lot easier with a business degree) and setting up a 7 year track now that he might only qualify for the low end is something to consider.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you, so you think by not applying to top undergrads, it implies he may not be competitive for law school since he may not have a top gpa and LSAT? I agree that is a possibility.
        He did receive a 1500 on the SAT and 5s on all his AP exams, so I do think he would do well on the LSAT (possibly very well). He GPA was only a 3.7 though, which is what held him back from applying to a lot of schools.

        I’m not going to comment on the ‘history major is useless’ comment other than history is his passion (I mean this kid listens to history pod casts in his spare time).

      • Anon

        I don’t think someone who is earning scholarships at Wisconsin or Illinois will struggle getting into a decent law school. Generally if you can go to a top 25 law school (maybe even a top 50 law school) and do reasonably well there, you will have good job prospects upon graduation. You don’t have to go to Harvard Law to be a successful lawyer (although it’s worth noting that there are people at Harvard Law from all the big Midwestern state universities). From OP’s description, her son should have no issues getting into a very adequate law school if he applies himself in college.

        • Anonymous

          thank you for that. To clarify though he is not getting scholarships to Wisconsin and Illinois — so far just to Oregon and Indiana (which are lower ranked) – these scholarships are merit and based on his gpa/test scores.
          I agree with “if he applies himself” in college, he will do very well.
          I think if he is studying something he loves he will do quite well (I hope!).
          This thread has encouraged me that he should really just pick the school where he is going to thrive and do well at. And who knows if he will go to law school, or business school or something else, but I think the takeaway is the same.
          I do think though, that it would be hard to pick Oregon over Washington…
          I went to an ivy and my husband went to a public ivy — so we do get swayed by names…but I really just want him to thrive in college and end up with some sort of career prospects!!

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