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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 233 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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1(2) Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I'm really digging the knuckle ring trend right now. ShopBop has a number of double “floating” rings (some of which are already sold out). I haven't gotten one yet, so I'm only guessing they're not terribly wearable for typing and the like, but for a weekend or evening outing, I think they're kind of rockstar. This rose gold one from Campbell is $165. Campbell Knuckle Floating Ring (L-3)

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Comments

  1. frugal doc..

    Buttons on blazers…

    Do you just leave the basic plastic buttons, or change them? If you change them, what do you use instead?

    It always amazes me, but buttons on work-appropriate blazers are often so cheap and poorly made/looking. For example, I just bought a classic Theory blazer at the NAS that retails at almost $400… and the plastic basic buttons just jump out at me.

    http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/theory-gabe-b-tailor-jacket/2919761?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=LIGHT+HEATHER&resultback=341&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_2_A

    I know manufacturers are trying to cut every possible cost. But REALLY…. on a blazer costing a few hundred dollars, why don’t they spend a dollar more and use buttons that look better?

    • Mpls

      Change them if you want. Just be sure that your new buttons have a similar circumference (otherwise the buttonhole won’t work) and probably should have a similar profile – if the ones you are taking off have a shank or are just a flat button, make sure your news ones do as well.

      • TBK

        Tailors will do this for pretty cheap (it’s not terribly hard to do yourself, but kind of a pain and mine only charged $5 to replace the buttons on my husband’s suit jacket).

      • Mpls

        I’d also take a picture of what they looked like (construction/arrangement) before taking them off. Buttons on the sleeves can sometimes be stacked in a particular way to fit them all on the sleeve. Kind of like taking a picture of the inside of your computer before you take it all apart, so you know how to put it back together.

    • AIMS

      I have replaced them on cheaper blazers (e.g., the really shiny Calvin Klein ones that said Calvin Klein that came on otherwise simple grey suit). I usually get different buttons at a fabric store. If you’re in NY, I can recommend Mood Fabric on W. 38th st.

    • DAR

      I regularly exchange cheap buttons for better/expensive ones on jackets. Former couture seamstress (for pleasure).

      • NOLA

        And it’s not only about replacing them with nicer buttons. It’s also that you will sew them on in a sturdier way so they won’t fall off.

    • TCFKAG

      I’ve never personally changed out buttons, but I have a follow-on question to this. I have a Brooks Brother’s blazer I wear ALL the time and the buttons are navy to match the blazer (and I know I can just call them to ask them this) but the color has begun to wear off one or two of the buttons and the silver underneath has started to show through. Not a huge deal really, but do you think they’d change out the buttons for me if I brought it into a store?

      Also I’ve never changed out the buttons on a blazer before but now that you mention the idea….I kind of want to.

    • phillygirlruns

      on a note totally unrelated to buttons, thanks to this post i’ve now ordered this blazer and the emery trousers in indigo. those two pieces are my absolute favorites – over the course of a few of years of very diligent sale and outlet hunting, i’ve compiled three complete suits (medium gray, black and dark brown) and a couple separates (subtle plaid pants, windowpane blazer) in the tailor fabric, plus another suit in a black/charcoal houndstooth wool. something about the cut and fabric makes me feel like a zillion bucks in those pieces – worth it, at least at the sale prices, even with the couple extra bucks i have to pay to get the pants tailored.

    • TBK

      Also, note the still-d!ckish response from the same professor in 2013. (His letter was not simply informing her of the employment realities but demanding that she justify her worth. D!ck.)

      • Ellen

        Yes, you are SO right. Men simply do NOT take us serious, even if we are NOT married, they think that we are NOT abel to work once we ARE married. I have OFTEN said that even AFTER I am married, I will continue to work, either as a JUDGE, a PARTNER in the law firm, or as a PROFESSEOR of LAW. FOOEY on these MEN for thinkeing otherwise! FOOEY!

        I will be goeing boateing with my dad and the manageing partner on Sunday after all. Myrna has a throat infection and Roberta said we should go up to Wave Hill some other time. I hope it goe’s well with Myrna. I also hope that on Sunday there is no fight’s b/c I do NOT want anyone to capsize over the side of the boat. I am a great SWIMMER as is my dad (he was on the swim team in college), but I am NOT sure about Margie, or the manageing partner. It is also a NEW boat and the manageing partner is NOT that expereniced a BOATER! FOOEY!

    • manomanon

      I saw that in the Post earlier and was amazed both by the fact that someone ever thought it was ok to think that and that he really hasn’t changed 50 some years later.
      Clearly I am a product of being born in 1990 but I can’t believe that with as much as we still have to push for in terms of workplace equality we started in a time and place where putting this letter to paper was not only acceptable but from the professor’s opinion, and that of many others, he was trying to be helpful.

  3. AIMS

    I’m not sure how I feel about this ring. It just looks like the wearer is wearing two rings that don’t fit.

    • TCFKAG

      And its really expensive for a comparatively simple piece of jewelry. I mean – its interesting – which I like, but I’m not sure I want to spend so much on something both trendy AND risky? Ya know?

    • L

      +1.

      It also reminds me a bit of the 90s when we used to stack rings up and on every finger. Not a good look

      • Anonymous

        This. I did this in my high school and college years. Silver rings on every finger including one on the knuckle above my middle finger. Its actually uncomfortable, too. If I remember correctly.

    • Bacon pancakes

      I feel like it would fall off. Fingers taper, particularly right above the joint.

    • Sydney Bristow

      My former roommate is a jewelry designer who makes a lot of these. She’s been wearing hers for over a year and they never seem to fall off, which surprised me. I think they are cute if you don’t overdo it.

  4. TCFKAG

    Hello people of [this site] – have you been aching to find just the right xyz thing for your wardrobe….well…could you submit a question please. I’m kind of running low and having to rely on my own creativity and we all know that that’s a terrible idea.

    (Sorry…I don’t like pitching but I really need some questions…or if you asked one before and I didn’t address it – try resubmitting with more specifics about what you want.) And okay – I’m all done with my bad bad repping.

    Back to regularly scheduled programming.

    • Marilla

      Can I submit a styling or jewelry question? I have a dress that I’m planning to wear to a wedding, but it needs some accessorizing to dress it up. Would that be up your alley?

      • TCFKAG

        Yep. I think I’ve done a couple of these maybe before – but if not – I’d be happy to. I love jewelry! I’m doing this in real life for my friend this weekend. :-)

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have anything to request but I added your blog to my Feedly and I love how you lay out all the options! Great blog.

    • DC Wonkette

      A couple of things I’m searching for:
      1. An off white suit that is lined and can work spring-fall. As someone with a small waist and a booty, I have trouble finding pants that aren’t ridiculously tight or huge in the waist.
      2. A khaki-colored pencil skirt that I can use as an alternate neutral to black but is dressy enough for wear with suits (a lot seem to be a more casual cotton look).
      3. An alternate to all of the silk shirts I love (I own half of Madewell) that don’t require dry cleaning, preferably in bright colors to liven up the wardrobe.

      :-)

        • TCFKAG

          My blogs not actually on tumblr anymore (well I still have a tumblr but I have an independent blog as well – so you should be able to submit I would think unless your work has a really tough filter (try clicking through on my name.)

          • DC Wonkette

            Apparently work thinks the blog is a threat to national security — don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not you :-). Will explore this weekend!

      • TO Lawyer

        I second the request for silk shirts too! (Especially from retailers that will ship to Canada without charging me exorbitant duties).

        • Nonny

          Have you tried Everlane? I haven’t yet, but people seem to like their shirts and I’ve been seriously looking at them. Just wondering whether you know if they charge exorbitant duties…

          • TO Lawyer

            I know they were crowdfunding and recently reached their target so Canadians will soon be able to buy from them but I don’t think Canadians have been able to do so yet.

          • kira kira

            They do ship to Canada now and if you add an item to your cart, the tax and duties will show up. I ordered a blouse and sweater from them and didn’t find the duties to be exorbitant. Highly recommend the silk blouses, they feel very lush.

      • TCFKAG

        SunnyD – I answered your question! Though I guess nobody really knew about my not-on-tumblr status? I hope it helps (though next time a few more deets will get you way better results.)

    • Bacon pancakes

      Can’t tumbl at work – but I’ve been searching high and low for a med/large professional summer purse in beigey/tan/bone/blush tones, out of a material that won’t stick to my skin because summer in DC is miasmic. (ie no leather or pleather or vinyl.) I’ve been saving up for a Lo & Sons, but they don’t have any light-colored bags, so the most I have to spend on this is about $120.

      Need a little bit of that TCFKAG magic.

      • TCFKAG

        So….will you bring me bacon pancakes if I help with this? Just kidding – I will make notes of all of these – but my blog is actually no longer on Tumblr (at least my “vicarious shopping blog” – I still totes have my tumblr. So check it out when you have time.

        • NOLA

          Went out to dinner with friends tonight and one of them had a bacon bloody mary. Bacon-infused vodka and a piece f housemade bacon in it. She said it was incredible. We also had this little metal kettle of spicy kettle corn. So good!

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been searching for a pair of black flats that have more coverage than a ballet flat, but aren’t a loafer. I saw the perfect pair at Barney’s Coop, but they are sold out in my size. Ideally matte leather, although I’d do patent leather for the perfect shoe.

    • Lost in the racks

      Big dinner coming up Saturday night with SO and his firm (900+ employees). No idea what to wear. He’s wearing very dark grey pinstripe Hugo Boss European cut suit. I need to look amazing – first time to a work function with him. I’m 5’10” and usually a size 12 – curvy (38DD). Help?

      • A Nonny Moose

        I love the J crew’s Origami dress for occasions like this. It’s perfectly in between work and cocktail. I have a more up and down figure, but I also am a smaller size so it may be cut better for you in a larger size. If that specific dress doesn’t work out, I’d look for something similar.

      • A Nonny Moose

        Ugh sorry if this posts three times! I thought it was store name getting me in trouble but just realized the actual problem.
        I love J C R * W’s Origami dress for occasions like this. It’s perfectly in between work and evening events. I have a more up and down figure, but I also am a smaller size so it may be cut better for you in a larger size. If that specific dress doesn’t work out, I’d look for something similar.

      • TCFKAG

        Wow – do you mean tomorrow? Okay, imma do a post for you tonight, and try to focus on things you can get at stores that probably retail in your local mall and have tall sizes or are known to be decent for tall people. Nice think about a dark grey suit, you can pretty much wear anything! (I assume you have some pick of shirt and tie) – but I get the impression you want to meet the “dress business formal – but not black tie” level of dressiness.

        If the dresses I post this evening aren’t for you – use the link on the side of my blog to “dresses” and see the older posts I’ve done – I’ve done lots of wedding guest posts so you may find something you like better there. But I’m going to focus on something you can hopefully find off the racks.

          • Lost in the Racks

            TCFKAG – you rock! The suggestions were awesome, and from places that we have locally so I was able to try many of them on in person. I settled on the teal Tadashi Shoji and it looks fantastic – classic and not LBD, and great to dress up for night. I also found the bangle at Forever 21 and I have the Cole Haan shoes so they were a perfect pop of color. It’s this coming Saturday so I can’t wait to put it all together. The whole look is perfect – not trying too hard, flattering, and striking. Thanks!

    • S in Chicago

      White jean skirt. I had an amazing one from Ann Taylor that wasn’t too long and wasn’t too short. I lived in that on weekends during the summer. It fell victim to nailpolish that apparently wasn’t as dry as a I thought at the end of August last year. I literally got a little teary.

      You would be surprised how hard it is to find something that is a nice length and isn’t completely transparent or doesn’t immediately wrinkle.

    • Jay

      I am looking for chocolate brown pumps with a 2-3.5inch heel, rounded or not-too-pointy toe, fairly classic styling. I feel like all the brown pumps I see are either “weird” – strange cut-outs, ugly tassels, etc., or they look too close to black.

      • Merabella

        More on the expensive side, but I love my Cole Haans. I have them in a cognac color, but I’m pretty sure they come in a darker chocolate brown – very classic styling. Zappos was having a sale this week, don’t know if it is still going on. I also would check out 6PM. They cost more than I would usually spend on shoes ($130 ish), but I have had the two pairs I have for 3 years and they are still holding up to regular wear. I find them comfortable, but they can be hit or miss for people.

        • anon

          I liked the look of those Cole Haans too, but the fit was really poor. They were tight in the toe, but also so loose in the heel that they wouldn’t stay on my feet when I walked. I was very disappointed.

          • 2013

            Cole Haans can fit different from shoe to shoe and stretch when you wear them. (Or that’s a scam they told me and convinced me so hard my shoes now fit?) So – I always buy them in person for pumps and have them stretched at the store as needed. Flats I can buy off the rack.

    • Winter white dress

      I’m having an out of the country wedding in January but will get legally married at our local courthouse before that (sometime in Dec or early Jan). I would love to find a classic, just above the knee, not -too- expensive white or off-white dress for the day and a few pictures. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Thanks!

    • SWTWC

      Thanks! I’d love a brown suit – bonus points if you can find a dress plus jacket and pants, but a pencil skirt always works as well. Major points if it is wool withOUT nylon. Cotton or stretch cotton would be great, too. As others have commented – I am tired of steep prices for polyester. Thank you – can’t wait!

    • Anonymous

      I work on a campus – and most of my suits don’t have usable pockets. What do you all carry to pull thinks together or manage an I pad and three small items – wallet, smartphone and keys…when you need the card to pick up a coffee, keys to get back in the office and the phone to be in touch en route?

  5. anon for this

    Hey all…so I am making a switch from working in my professional field as an employee to a contract/temp-(for reasons we won’t discuss here) Any advice on how to be a good consultant? My first gig starts next week, so I’d love to hear advice.
    The field is legal/finance/computery type-so offices and cubicles and all that entails.

    • Moonstone

      When I work with consultants, I appreciate the ones who are respectful of my expertise and who listen to what I have to say. Try to suss out the company culture (how they handle meetings, how chatty people are, etc.) and try to fit in. Also, be mindful of what your clients will perceive as jargon — a lot of people find that very off-putting. Look for ways to explain your ideas in plain language.

  6. MH

    Resume question: a classmate of mine from law school continued in a “certified law student” position at a local government agency right out of school to finish up some cases she had been working on. During that time she second-chaired a trial. She cross-examined one witness, but other than that didn’t argue any other part of the case. They won the trial. She finished up her work with the agency, and is now clerking for a judge while she looks for more permanent work.

    At networking events she regularly tells people that she had her first trial with the agency and won a successful verdict. She has also showed me her resume and in her “experience” section she says that she “represented [her agency] in __________ v. _______, and achieved a successful verdict.” She’s asked me for my general opinion on her resume.

    What should I tell her? I feel like it is a bit misleading because she didn’t argue much of the case, and was not in charge of any strategy. Is there some way she can reword it?

    • TBK

      I feel like this is pretty standard language. She did represent that agency and she did get a successful verdict. No one is really going to think that someone at her level handled the trial single-handedly. When I was a second-year, my law firm bio said I represented all these clients (Fortune 100 companies, Big Three audit firms, etc.). Clearly *I* was not in charge of those cases, but still I was one of their lawyers, which means I did represent them.

      • TO Lawyer

        +1 I’ve been counsel in very complex and significant cases, including appellate cases. I don’t think anyone believes I singlehandedly represented clients in complex securities cases but I think the language is accurate because I did appear as counsel and your friend did represent the agency and win.

    • phillygirlruns

      it doesn’t seem misleading to me at all – pretty standard and appropriate, actually.

  7. Anonymous

    Has anyone successfully transitioned a maternity leave contract into a full-time position? How did they do it?

    • i did

      i think it was a combination of good work and because the place i was at was so mismanaged.

      my supervisor and her supervisor could not for the life of them remember my contract expired. when i finally brought up the fact that i was supposed to leave in two weeks (which happened to fall during an extremely busy time), they were instantly panicked. they’d forgotten i wasn’t a permanent resource, had never thought about transitioning me out of work and now they were facing a big old load of half finished projects.

      they quickly offered me a full time job.

      most other supervisors i’ve had, however, know that the maternity leave person is a finite resource and plan accordingly. even if the person has done stellar work, they’re not going to create a new position for him/her. but they will certainly keep that person in mind if/when a full time position comes available.

  8. Equity's Darling

    A group of friends and I are planning a long-weekend getaway, preferably somewhere within a…oh, 4 hours flight from Western Canada. This is a group of work friends, but…fun ones, and this is not a work-sanctioned trip, but … we all work together. I think the timing is sometime in the fall.

    Some current suggestions are: San Fran, Vegas, Palm Springs, and Phoenix.

    Any other city suggestions? Any recommendations for one of these places over another? I think we like the idea of being able to relax by a pool or at a spa during the day, and casually drink in the evening, though I admit, I’d like to sneak in some actual sightseeing while everyone is lounging by a pool, and I think there is some leverage for a wine country tour of sorts.

    • Alaskalaw

      Napa Valley! Or Santa Fe. Both fabulous places, differnt vibes of course.

    • Merabella

      I think San Francisco is the best place I have ever visited in the US. You have so much to do there that it would likely be attractive to everyone in your group for some reason or another, bonus points there is a wine country near by.

      When my husband and I went to SF a few years ago we did it without renting a car, we just walked, or took public transportation, we even went to wine country without a car (there is a bus that takes you to Napa from the airport, and I would suggest hiring a driver for the day to take you around because you will get drunk, even if you don’t mean to).

      • Nonny

        San Fran is awesome. I like Vegas too but if you want to do some actual sightseeing, San Fran is the place to go. There is so much to see, and it is such an interesting city with really great food. I don’t think you can go wrong with that.

        The only reason I would go elsewhere with that particular group would be if you are wanting a serious dose of sun before the winter sets in – you’re not likely to get that in San Fran in the fall (at least based on my experience).

      • TBK

        And if you want a spa, try Watercourse Way in Palo Alto. They have rooms with private baths/saunas/hot tubs you can rent. watercourseway.com

        • Susie

          Wow that looks awesome for a girls day! I’ve never heard of this place and it’s actually quite close.

        • SFBayA

          Hee. When I was in high school, my classmates called that place Intercourse Way. That was almost 15 years ago, so it may be substantially stricter (no teens or something) now.

          Yes, SF is awesome. Come here! We get our …erm… Native American Summer in mid to late September to early to mid October. That’s the warmest time of year for us, but I don’t think it’s really pool weather. Calistoga or Sonoma or Russian River would be fantastic for that, plus wine tasting is so awesome. Fall is harvest in the vineyards so you could get to see some winemaking actually in action if you time it right. Some of the places let tourists stomp grapes.

    • Merabella

      Chicago might also be fun, along the same lines as SF. I’ve never been there so I can’t make specific suggestions, but there is a lot of art museums/great food like SF. And I seem to remember from my years watching the Real World that there is a beach type thing as well. And they have bike rentals which could be fun.

    • Calico

      I adore Palm Springs and visit all the time. So many hotels with great pools for lounging. However, the temperatures are over 100 degrees daily this time of year. Just wanted to give you the heads up in case you’re not one for the heat.

  9. AJ

    I have a question about the location of one’s office. I’ve been offered a private office with a window. They need to make room for a trainee and are shuffling desks. Currently, I share an inside office. The catch is that I’d be moving several floors away and no longer be near anyone in my section, including my boss and his boss. I’m worried that this will cut down on face-time and hallway interactions. The way our security works, it will be impossible for anyone to stop by my desk without me buzzing them in. But, Hello, window and private office. It could be years before another such chance.

    Any recommendations on how to handle being a satellite office?

    • Sascha

      Instant messaging. You will lose a bit of face time, but the IM is great for keeping up with people. I work from home 3 days a week and IM is invaluable.

    • SFBayA

      Are you in law? I wouldn’t take that office. I get too much work via people wandering down the hall and stopping by.

      • Jay

        Agreed. If you’re inaccessible, will you be forgotten about? Do you get along well enough with your officemate? The first question is the most important though.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I am in law, and I do get my better assignments by those random encounters. That’s a big part of my hesitation. I have a great relationship with my office-mate, but if I don’t take the spot, he’ll take the satellite office and I’ll get the trainee. That might be fine too since I’ll be able to mentor her (create a minion?). Or she could be crazy. Urrgh.

  10. Sascha

    I bought this really cute knit blazer last night, it’s on the casual side (but I work in a SUPER casual office – like jeans, tshirts and trainers), and I am planning on bringing it to a conference with me this summer. It’s charcoal with a black edging on the lapel and inside edge, 3/4 sleeve, one button. I’d appreciate any suggestions of what to wear it with. This conference is somewhat casual and nice jeans will be appropriate. I would feel incredibly awkward wearing a suit, but I want to look sharp – especially because I plan on networking heavily and I look very young, so I have to step up my wardrobe a bit. Any suggestions are most appreciated!

    • Merabella

      dark wash jeans, mustard would be pretty with it to. I think it could also look cute with green, magenta, purple.

      FYI The Skirt at Nordies is on sale now in mustard.

  12. Merabella

    Just a vent:

    I really hate this after work casual events where I never ever know what to wear. It is raining cats and dogs here because of the tropical storm, but it is hot – breathable rain slicker? The worst.

    • L

      I go with fitted cotton skirt, nice t-shirt/casual blouse and a light cotton cardigan that I can take add if places are blasting the AC. Closed toe wedges so feet stay dry.

  13. Face care

    Has anyone tried microdermabrasion? My skin is awful lately, so I’m considering having it done in conjunction with a facial. If you have tried it, would you recommend doing it seperate from a facial? I’m afraid it might be too much for my slightly-sensitive skin to handle all at once (but it’s a better deal if I do them together). Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences!!

    • L

      I did it via the red door where it’s a facial and microderm in one. They skip the extraction process and use the microdermabrasion, but cleanse and soothe the skin. I LOVED it. Normally my face looks nice after a facial, but nothing amazing and after the combo, I literally glowed. I’m currently saving to do a series purchase so I can treat myself once a month.

  14. Nonny

    Am going to Vegas next weekend, and planning to meet with a personal stylist at Nordie’s to get some help with my pregnancy transition wardrobe. SOOO excited. I’ve never worked with a personal stylist before – any suggestions?

    • Merabella

      Ask them to grab accessories as well, you might not buy them, but it gives a good idea of what the whole outfit look could be. If you only like a particular kind of metal let them know that as well.

    • A Nonny Moose

      Definitely definitely let them know of price points in advance. I used a Nordies shopper for my rehearsal dinner outfit and spent literally twice what I expected to on my dress ($200–> $400). It’s an absolutely amazing dress and I wear it all the time since, so I’m not too upset about it, but if I hadn’t been in It’s For the Wedding! fever, I would have have to super awkwardly tell the shopper that all the options she had grabbed for me were way over my price range. Much better to get that out of the way in advance.

      • Merabella

        This is a good point.

        And you have probably already done this, but make sure they know that you are looking for transitional maternity pieces – ie, things with STRETCH!

        I would also make a point to talk about what your work/life is like. Do you want pieces that can work both casually/weekend wear and more formal/work wear?

      • cbackson

        I used the Nordies personal shopper at the Mothership in Seattle, and she was great about respecting my price point. The one that I used at the Nordies in Atlanta? Not so much. It was really uncomfortable, and the primary reason why I haven’t gone back, even though I LOVED my shopper in Seattle…

    • Equity's Darling

      I think most important is saying “I want to spend X dollars, and I hope to get X number of pieces, including one work appropriate dress, one pair of work pants, one pair of jeans, etc.”, and then explaining where you are flexible (e.g. price point, items, etc.).

      I’d also say “put me in one outfit that you think would be perfect on me, but isn’t something I’d usally pick”, because that can result in possibly expanding your fashion horizons (not that they’re currently restricted in any way…I just like letting other people dress me up sometimes, and they put me in outfits I’d never put together for myself).

    • preg anon

      You probably already know this, but just in case, Nordstrom’s does not carry any maternity items in store, so you’ll just be looking at regular pieces that will work during the transition. I would recommend not spending too too much money. You’ll be in maternity pieces before you know it, whether you want to or not!

      • Nonny

        Thanks. Yes, it’s a bummer that they don’t stock maternity items in store. I really don’t know why. I’m thinking of getting two dresses. Will also go to the maternity store in the mall while I am there and see if I can find that pencil skirt you recommended.

        • Nonny

          PS – The maternity options in my city are absolutely dire, so this is my best opportunity to try stuff between now and hopefully going to London in the fall.

          • preg anon

            Also, ASOS has become my favorite maternity shop for the ratio of price to quality, and they have free shipping and returns in the US. I’m not sure about Canada, but it’s worth a look. I’ve had a constant stream of items coming into and going out of my house since I got pregnant!

  15. Julia

    To TCFKAG: brooks brothers has great customer service and if you call them, they will probably send you a new set of buttons…to match your jacket or even brass. They replaced a set that the dry cleaners ruined and another time they sent me a replacement for a button from a sweater.

  16. Senior Attorney

    Asking for a pep talk here. I left my husband a couple of months ago and filed for divorce. I totally know it was the right decision but he is playing hardball with the settlement and I’m going to end up losing my house (yes — MY house that I bought before we were married but was foolish enough to put him on title some years ago) and it’s just super depressing. I was the high earner during the marriage and the divorce laws in my state are biting me in the butt big time.

    I often wake up weeping in the morning and although I am holding it together at work, it’s just very tough right now. I’m in my mid-50s and feel like I wasted the last 16 years of my life, plus I am going to have to give up a lot of the financial security I worked so hard for over the years.

    Any encouraging words would be greatly appreciated.

    /pity party

      • Senior Attorney

        Tuesday, I wish I were in NYC! My favorite city!! I’m in So Cal but I sure do appreciate the offer! :)

        • Tuesday

          Well, the next time you’re here, then. In the meantime, gather up Team You and tell them they’re up — you need kind ears and a soft shoulder.

    • TO Lawyer

      I unfortunately have no words of advice for you. I cannot even fathom what you’re going through – it must be extremely difficult and you are so brave and strong for going through this.

      I would however like to say this: I only know you from your posts here but you are the woman I want to be when I’m older. You seem tough, brave, stylish, you love sequins (not to be facetious) and overall just seem to be fabulous and awesome.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough patch but based on your contributions to this community, I have no doubts that you will be able to get through this with your head held high and will emerge stronger and happier.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh my gosh! This post made me weep happy tears! That is the nicest thing anybody has said to me in a good long time! Thank you! *sniff*

        (A friend and I always say if we ever open up our own law firm, we will have mandatory Sequin Friday!)

      • Blonde Lawyer

        This response embodies why I love this site. I second it in full. Senior Attorney, I have not experienced divorce personally but I have helped a close friend through it who was the higher earner. She hated moving out of the house and giving up what she earned but she found so much freedom in getting her first solo apartment post-divorce. I see lots of cool trendy bachelor pads on the market now in the city I work in. Could you move into a luxury place walking distance from all the social life in your area? You could live a totally different lifestyle than you are used to.

        Divorce sucks financially however you look at it. It is always more expensive to use the combined income to support two households than it is one. But as others said, there is something there you needed to get away from and that is priceless. You could live your life financially secure and miserable or you can be happy and probably still more financially secure than most americans. I am shocked every day that I see financial affidavits and how little most people have saved for retirement. Somehow, they all survive. You will too. Chin up, you are just starting a new era.

        • Senior Attorney

          Blonde Lawyer, that’s so funny because that’s exactly what I’ve done! I did indeed move into a luxury apartment within walking distance of the trendy part of town and I even call it the Bachelorette Pad! I’m actually really liking it for the time being, but it’s also convinced me that long-term I am gonna need to be back in an actual house. I need a yard, and I need space to entertain, and I kind of hate the whole “park underground, schlepp up in the elevator” thing. But as I said, for now I am thinking of it as the nicest, biggest hotel suite I’ve ever lived in while I plot my next move!

          And yes, I know, this whole lament definitely gets filed under “First World Problems of the Overprivileged.” Thanks for the reminder to county my blessings.

          (Not that I am totally lurking on this thread all day or anything…)

        • Senior Attorney

          Oops… stuck in moderation for the B-Pad:

          Blonde Lawyer, that’s so funny because that’s exactly what I’ve done! I did indeed move into a luxury apartment within walking distance of the trendy part of town and I even call it the Bachelor e t t e Pad! I’m actually really liking it for the time being, but it’s also convinced me that long-term I am gonna need to be back in an actual house. I need a yard, and I need space to entertain, and I kind of hate the whole “park underground, schlepp up in the elevator” thing. But as I said, for now I am thinking of it as the nicest, biggest hotel suite I’ve ever lived in while I plot my next move!

          And yes, I know, this whole lament definitely gets filed under “First World Problems of the Overprivileged.” Thanks for the reminder to county my blessings.

          (Not that I am totally lurking on this thread all day or anything…)

    • Calico

      I literally gasped aloud when I read that you’re losing the house that you owned and lived in before him. I’m so sorry. I’m hoping that having the courage to leave will open you up to many wonderful opportunities, perhaps ones you never could have imagined before. Good luck.

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks, Calico. I gasped aloud, too, when he said he wanted the house (and what he would do if he didn’t get it). ;)

    • DC Association

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I recently divorced so I feel your pain. I certainly am not not in the same situation financially as you, but can relate on some level. (I’m not going to go into my sordid tale here.)

      My thought for you is…it’s only money. Happiness is priceless. Clearly you are divorcing for a reason and you will be happier once this is all over. You have a new, happier, healthier life ahead of you, maybe not with financial security…but there is happiness in your future now which there wasn’t before. And, happiness is worth whatever you need to pay.

      You have every right to feel sad and mad and resentful for how he’s acting. but, revel in the fact that you’re the bigger person and that you can sleep at night.

      I’ve got to say, I really feel like the world is my oyster, even though I’m also not where I thought I’d be right now, because I know that all the pain and sadness is all overwith.

      All the best to you!!

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks, DCA. That’s what I keep telling myself. I’m looking forward to being where you are.

    • L

      Oh man. I am so sorry. You are entitled to your pity party and perhaps a session of kickboxing with your ex’s face taped to the punching bag.

      On the upside, it sucks now and in the short term, but your happiness is priceless. And karma is a b**ch, so sooner or later you will be pool-side sipping a drink, rejoicing in your new found life.

      Finally, I have to say, I am in awe of you. Seriously, it takes courage to get out of an unhealthy relationship, especially when you have the complicating factors you’ve mentioned. You clearly value yourself in a good way and I think that is inspiring.

    • eek

      I will write more later, but wanted to day things will get better. Trust me, he wants the house now but who knows what will happen! This is mean but fingers crossed for really high property taxes. :)

    • Jo March

      This totally sucks. And yet, you totally did the right thing. It was possibly the hardest and bravest thing you’ve done in 16 years or more, and you kick ass for doing it. The more time goes by, the more you will just be relieved and happy you’re done and able to actually work on being HAPPY – instead of just getting by. Totally.freaking.worth it.

      Also, hugs. I totally know how sucky this feels.

    • Mighty Mouse

      Adding to the Internet hugs to you, SA. Forgive me, but I cannot remember if you’re in counseling already. If not, please consider treating yourself to 3-4 sessions during this rough patch. Our houses are often extensions of ourselves, so it may be that you are mourning more than the loss of your hard work (which is enough to mourn by itself!). The other ladies are right—you are on the precipice of so much freedom—from stress! from a bad partner! to be happy! to be unencumbered!—that sometimes a therapist can help to reframe this loss for you. (I speak from personal experience; it was an investment that was much cheaper than my grad degree but just as valuable to who I am.).

    • anon

      you are so so brave… if the house is the most important, I wonder if you couldn’t buy it from him or something? otherwise, maybe this is life’s way of encouraging you to start anew?

      many hugs and sequins!

    • chin up sr atty

      I know it’s late in the day but if you are near Atlanta i’ll take you out for a drink or a meal this weekend.

    • NOLA

      Hugs to you Senior Attorney. Everything about divorce sucks except for getting rid of the baggage.

      It’s awful that he wants the house and that it was yours. I guess all you can do is look forward to creating your own beautiful, comfortable living space that is entirely yours. I have so enjoyed completely re-doing my whole house since my divorce and having every space be to my taste and what makes me happy. It’s the same place we lived in together, but he wouldn’t recognize it and that’s a good thing.

      • Senior Attorney

        Thank you so much, everyone! I really appreciate all your support and wisdom!

        L, I feel anything but brave and inspiring so your words mean a lot!

        Jo and eek, I know better days are coming. I just wish to hell they’d hurry up!!

        MM, I’ve been in therapy for years! In fact, I couldn’t have taken this step without the support of good ol’ Dr. Shrink!

        I wish I were in Atlanta — I’d totally go out for that drink!

        Anon, he’s not willing to let me buy him out, even though I own 3/4 of the house. It’s complicated but the bottom line is I don’t see how I can ever dislodge him against his will. So… new beginning!

        NOLA, I was totally planning to re-do the house, but now I guess I’m going to be fixing up some other house for myself. Something that is making me smile a little: We remodeled our master bath not long ago, per my design and specifications. It’s gorgeous. If I have to remodel a bath in the new place I am doing the exact. same. design. LOL

        You all are the best!

    • edj3

      I’m not much younger than you are, and while I was in my mid-30s when I divorced, I too lost everything. Even with all of that, it was still the absolute right decision for me. I’m here to tell you 18 years later that I would do it again, even knowing about how desperately poor I would be and how hard it would be to rebuild again.

      I was married 16 years and while I wish those years weren’t spent with him, they still weren’t a waste. I learned a lot and have come through the other side as a much healthier, stronger woman. Yes, you are right, you are in the awful part right now. Something that worked for me then was to remind myself that I would be doing/feeling better next week, next month, next year. And I faked it til I felt it.

      ~Elizabeth

      • Sadie

        Also, bear in mind he wants that house because he probably won’t be able to get himself one, because he’s not awesome like you are. When I got divorced, I ended up with the house, a few years later got a different one and was s0.much.happier being somewhere that was ALL MINE that didn’t have him around any corners.

        • Senior Attorney

          LOL, Sadie, “he’s not awesome like you are” is exactly what Dr. Shrink told me yesterday!

          edj3, thanks for your story, although I have to say I sure wish I were in my mid 30s!

          I found out yesterday (by accident when the cleaning service called my number instead of his) that the SOB has changed the locks on the house already and I. am. so. pi$$ed. It’s almost enough to make me go to war.

          Grrr…

          • eek

            When I got divorced, we decided my ex would take it – I walked away from everything. Then he decided he didn’t want it (hello, breach of contract) and was going to start foreclosure paperwork on it. Wouldn’t even consider anything else and my name was still on the house, too. I think he was just doing it to make my life miserable. So, I decided to keep it and am now renting it out and it has worked out so much better than I thought. I do know that things get better (not just saying that), it’s just that things seem so sucky at the time and then with time they seem manageable and ok, if not better than the original situation presented. I was so angry, mad, irate, hurt — you name it. Especially since I walked away from everything and had nothing. But several years later, things are so much better. Hang in there; this is so hard, but please know that every day will not be like this. It will and it does get better.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yikes, eek! That sounds awful!

            I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off and feeling a tiny bit better today, thanks in large part to all you ladies. I’m realizing that maybe I do have more options than I thought so I am going to tell Mr. Personality that if he wants the house he is going to have to make a settlement happen fast so I can get into our rising housing market ASAP. And today I’m going to go out and look at some real estate open houses. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised at what I can afford.

            But man, it does suck! Can’t wait for those better days ahead!

  17. Sam

    Suggestions for a good way to respond to “Wow, how did you lose all that baby weight?” without bragging, unintentionally offending the asker by making it seem easy (when I know she struggles with her weight and her kids are older than mine, for example), negating the compliment (which would’ve been my usual way I respond), etc.?
    The truth is that it’s probably some combination of – good genes (thanks mom), the passage of time (its been 2 years post-delivery!), breastfeeding for a year, being stressed out and busy with a demanding baby and not having the time to eat well or sleep enough, and frequent but low-intensity exercise (weekly workouts + frequent walks).

    • Anon

      “A combination of luck and hard-work, but mostly luck.” Honest but non-judgmental or braggy (I think?)

      • Anon

        I’d say “mostly luck, I think” without the hard work, honestly. It sounds like the truth, and honestly, if it makes the asker feel bad, they shouldn’t be asking such a stupid question.

        • Senior Attorney

          +1 to this. I find that when people ask questions like that, they really aren’t much interested in the real answer anyway. And this gets you out of the conversation quickly and with a minimum of fuss.

  18. Batgirl

    Please forgive the reposting, but I received a few great suggestions this morning and was hoping I could expand on the question a bit more in our weekend thread!

    Heading to the Finger Lakes (probably the Geneva/Seneca Falls area and Ithaca) in two weeks–any suggestions on B&Bs and/or specific vineyards/activities?

    Thanks so much in advance!

    • Seneca Wedding Guest

      My husband and I went to a friend’s wedding in Seneca a few years ago (about 6 six ago, actually, gosh). The bride and groom arranged a few B&Bs for everyone. We stayed at Maxsom’s, which was fine. The bulk of the wedding party, including the bride and groom, stayed at the Fox and the Grapes, which was very nice. The B&B owner/host was very warm and made a great breakfast. We visited Atwater Estate for wine and had a good time – we even ended up ordering a case to take home. IMO, generally speaking, the wine we tasted up there was very very sweet (a lot of Concord grapes, maybe?) and not really up my alley, but still a fun time. We also visited the Corning Glass Museum in Ithaca, and it was really beautiful and interesting. Have a great trip!

    • NYNY

      Never toured the Finger Lakes area, but I’ve had nice dry wines in known varietals (pinot noir, reisling, chardonnay, merlot, cab franc) from these vinyards: Heron Hill, Fox Run, Hermann J. Weinmer, Damiani, and Red Tail Ridge.

      • Anonymous

        The Aurora Inn is amazing but books up really quickly – maybe check if they have a cancellation? For wineries I think Heart and Hands is great but very small. Both are on the east side of Cayuga.

  19. Anon

    What’s your reaction to a coworker regularly (as in daily) bringing a well-known religious text (think Bible, Koran, etc.) to the office? Said coworker also visibly carries it into work in the morning and then walks out with it in his hand in the evening.

    We have open work spaces, so reading it privately in an office is not an option.

    • SFBayA

      The same as an coworker who reads Twilight on her breaks – what people read is their business, even if it’s not my thing at all. As long as they don’t talk to me about it more than once (like s3xual harassment – one free bite whereupon I say no thank you, and then it must stop), it’s totally and completely fine with me, and this is coming from a lifelong atheist.

    • emeralds

      Does the coworker literally just walk in, carrying this book, and then walk out in the afternoon, still carrying it? If so, I would see this as a MYOB moment.

    • another anon

      Why is it any of your business or concern what someone else carries? Short of the person preaching to the office, it has nothing to do with anyone else. Are we legitimately now judging people based on what they carry? gross.

    • Monte

      I don’t understand the pull of organized religion. Even for someone like me, I might note that said coworker seems to be interested in/devoted to her Bible/Koran, but more than that…I just don’t understand how I would let that impact our interactions. I might try to cut down on taking the lord’s name in vain, but I wouldn’t have some grand reaction. They are books and she can read them all she wants. Until she starts proselytizing, I have no issues.

    • Houda

      As long as they don’t read aloud while you’re trying to get some work done, I see no harm.
      I have friends from a religion where they have to read a daily amount from their sacred text and honestly I don’t mind. I just do something of my own.

    • Parfait

      Shrug. I have a colleague who does this. Her book is bristling with post-its sticking out everywhere, marking key passages. Doesn’t change my view of her in the least. She’s awesome, hardworking, competent, and frankly a lot less likely to proselytize than some others in our office.

    • cbackson

      I keep a religious text in my desk drawer and I’m pretty sure my co-workers have seen it on myriad occasions. FWIW.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand how this is offensive? She isn’t forcing anyone else to join in a Bible study, is she? Unless we live in a society where people are expected to actively hide the fact that they’re religious from anyone who isn’t, I can’t imagine why it’s wrong to be simply seen carrying a religious book.

  20. Jenna Rink

    I know Ellen loves her Fitbit, but does anyone else have an opinion they’d like to share? I’m considering the Fitbit and the Jawbone One. On the one hand they seem like they would be very motivating, but on the other hand it seems like it might just be paying $100 for a pedometer.

    • Bonnie

      I was flamed for asking the same question recently. I got a fitbit zip, love it, and have already lost a couple pounds. It’s much different than a pedometer because it also includes a nutrition component. I downloaded the fitbit app on my iPhone and input everything I eat. Based upon how many steps I’ve taken in a day, the app tells me how many more calories I can eat to meet my weight loss goal. If you don’t have a smartphone, you can use the web page too although it won’t update unless you’re at the computer. The reminders also motivate me to meet the calories burned, steps taken, and miles walked goal each day.

      • Anonymous

        Oh you weren’t flamed. You said I’ve never seen this asked before, and someone pointed out that there is a comment about it at least once every two weeks.

        • Island girl

          So. . . . are you the nasty one who got all hot and bothered a couple weeks ago about someone who didn’t know about a photo app? We all have to read this site every day and know everything everyone posts? We all have to have the same level of knowledge about computer apps?

          I have never written a snarky or mean post, prior to this, but this attitude really irritates the h*ll out of me. Do you know how many times we’ve all been thru the pregnancy waist band issue; the bar/bri how-to-study-for the bar exam issue, the perfume in the office issue, etc? Just accept that everyone isn’t as cool as you think you are, and move ON.

      • Green

        I thought the response to Bonnie’s original post was over the top too. People ask repeat questions sometime, you can just skip them. And what’s with all the snarkiness recently?

    • 2013

      I have the One and I love it. It tells me if I’ve walked 9000 steps or 10,050 (which the flex does not) and I like to know how far I’m short or above that day. The little bits matter to me, and motivate me to know how far off or ahead I am. It saves my day counts day to day. I stick it on my bra and my iphone shows me my steps (with the ultra I had to look at the fitbit on my bra and that’s not always as convenient as checking my phone). Is it $100 for a pedometer? Yes. Do you have a $10 pedometer you’re using every day? Then don’t spend $90 more. Do you need better than the $10 to get your healthy habit? I do, and it’s worth the extra.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t know for sure that it’s the same thing, but there has been a sharp rise in breast cancer among young women recently. A common thread (though it has not been scientifically studied yet) seems to be that they carry their cell phones in their bras. You might want to find a different place to carry your fit bit.

    • edj3

      I just ordered the Jawbone UP in part because the FitBit is out of stock for the next two months. Let know how I like it when I get it :)

  21. pants help

    I have a medical condition that can cause bloating, so pants are tricky for me right now (and for who knows how long). Also, I do not carry a purse (it feels too girlie for me plus I hate lugging something around or keeping an eye on one more thing throughout the day). I can’t really wear usual pants since the bloating can change my size from an 8 to a 14 at any given time, but I hate skirts/dresses (my thighs rub and I worry about underwear lines and hose is a no go due to the bloating).

    Any tips or idea on pants I -can- wear that won’t look like yoga or pj’s too much? I considered pregnancy pants but I’m not pregnant (I’m a never-going-to-have-kids person) and I don’t want to start office rumors, especially since I am not married or in any sort of relationship.

    Thanks for your help!

    • L

      No really helpful suggestion on pants, but I have similar concerns about skirts. Due to some recommendations here I bought a pair of Jockey Skimmies and they are really nice. Helps with rubbing and they are super stretchy so there is no ‘suck’.

    • TCFKAG

      (a) If you wear tunic tops and/or basically any tops not tucked in, I’m not sure anyone will be able to tell you’re wearing pregnancy pants. Speaking as someone who has been there with the bloating (I had three people think I was pregnant in a week, including a seamstress) – it kind of sucks and don’t worry about what your colleagues think. (b) Check out the “Jag” brand of pants – the types that come without zippers and are basically stretch fronts – they’re basically non-pregnancy, pregnancy pants and I really like them – I own jeans mostly – but they have other materials (just go a size up on those, I remember them being snug.) And (c) I know you dislike dresses, but you might want to consider getting a few dresses like the (http://www.landsend.com/pp/womens-stretch-linen-portrait-collar-dress~237150_-1.html) that are either belted or emphasis the empire waist and have pockets (to replace the pockets you miss in your pants) and then add a strong, statement jacket over it (like the military blazers that are so in right now) to both give it a less girly edge that you’d like and to bring the attention away from your stomach (I’ll post a link in a subsequent post to avoid the mod-bot of doom). Does that sound like a look you could get behind? If so, I could do a post for you with a few other options on the blog if you write in.

      • TCFKAG

        This was the specific jacket I was thinking of (http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/mural-military-strong-shoulder-blazer/3540009?siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-hZf_CWgEJFsviWr.a6eXZA) but its available in limited sizes only now. Let me look around for other jackets that would work – but I think any structured blazer in a navy or black or gray would be great with that particular green.

        Or you could pick a darker dress, like a navy, burgundy, or black and then the jacket could be lighter. Either way – I think having a contrasting dress and jacket, with pockets in both the jacket and the dress, and a belted empire waist (even if your natural waist isn’t usually at your waist) would really be a good look. If its cold enough in your office you could even add leggings/stockings underneath but I’d wear pantyhose…but I’m on team Pantyhose so you don’t have to listen to me. Part of the beauty of this look is they’re not necessary.

    • 2013

      Capitol Hill Style recommends these for chafing: http://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2013/05/30/ask-belle-preventing-summertime-chafing.html Folks also say great things about Hanky Panky for eliminating underwear lines.

      Maternity wear shouldn’t be obvious as maternity wear, so if that’s the best match for your ever-changing body, that might be the style that is best for you because it adapts to ever-changing bodies. If anyone sees you wearing something maternity and asks if you are pregnant, punch them in the face. Or call me, or your best girlfriend, or a random lady nearby, and they’ll punch for you. Nobody should ever ask you if you’re pregnant unless you are announcing a due date. Maternity wear should disguise your bloating, not advertise “bun in the oven right here!” (There’s maternity wear that does that too, obviously, but that’s not what you’re after).

      It’s my opinion that skirts are the best for bloating, you’ll just have to find what works for your current situation.

    • A

      monistat soothing cream so you can wear your skirts/dresses without swearing tights/hose.

      Also, try eating asparagus. I also bloat really easily (in response to wheat products) and have found that it helps reduce the bloat quicker.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I have been in your situation except I was bloating to an 8 or a 10 from what was supposed to be a 4. I knew I was having bloating issues but didn’t know how much smaller my stomach was really supposed to be because I had the issues for sooooo many years. It was only when I started bloating so much that the 8s and 10s were getting tight that I realized something was really up. For me it was a combo of crohns, gluten and lactose intolerance. Diet certainly doesn’t help everyone but I wanted to throw it out there in case it is part of your issue. On to your question:

      I basically just bought pants in the middle size. They would be big on me in the morning but I wear mostly suits. I’d cinch them tight with a belt and then wear a nice t-shirt over, that was a bit fitted to hide the belt and then my button suit jacket would also hide the belt. No one could tell I was cinching my pants two sizes smaller. As I started bloating I’d just take off the belt. Same if I woke up bloated – no belt that day. If I bloated beyond that, I’d just deal with the uncomfortable tight pants, or do the pregnancy elastic trick or just leave them unbuttoned while I was tucked under my desk.

      My favorite were the jersey skirts with the elastic waist. I’m not talking about the grandma style ribbed elastic. There are tons of pencil skirts out there that are very stretchy and have no buttons or snaps. I lived in those because I could expand and contract and they would fit. I also have a very hard time with pantyhose and usually can’t wear them. If I absolutely had to (supreme court argument for example) I would cut the elastic in v’s in several places all the way around the waistband to let out the waist. I couldn’t just size up or they would be baggy on my chicken legs. For some odd reason, the control tops were better too because they would come up very high on my waist instead of cutting off in the middle of my stomach where my pain was the worst. Either way, snip, snip, snip those things all the way around. It would cut short how many wears I got out of them but I didn’t care.

      For winter, I wear thin cheap black leggings that look like tights with black knee high boots over them. The waist of those is very comfortable. I have heard I should try maternity tights and hose but I haven’t looked into them. Plus, my bloating issues are almost all gone now. Dresses also work extremely well for me. Could you wear small boxer shorts under skirts and dresses like the kind that they sell to sleep in? Not sure if they would show through or not.

  22. Anonymous

    As a result of my BC pills now being free (Thanks ACA!) and another prescription being in a free promo from a local grocer, I think I overfunded my FSA by approximately $400 – $500. Any ideas on what I could use that on. I’m thinking a new pair of glasses, especially since they’ve cracked down on cosmetic dental and dermatological items and OTC meds, but would welcome any ideas/suggestions. Obviously, for later in the year too in case of an emergency.

  23. Saacnmama

    I got a vm today from my gyno’s office, about my recent pelvic ultrasound. By the time I returned the call, they were gone for the weekend. I apparently “still” have some ovarian cysts (but this is the first US I’ve had in years, so I don’t know what she’s comparing it to) and my uterine lining is thin. (I’m not planning to have any more children, so I don’t see why this is a problem.) The tone of voice was slightly urgent or flustered that she couldnt soeak with me, and the message ended with “try to have a nice weekend”. That part freaks me out. It sounds like she’s saying not to get upset about the really bad news she gave me, but I don’t even understand how it’s bad. I’ve done a tiny bit of webbrowsing on this, found articles on responsible-looking sites on the need for a thick lining for a zygote to implant (again, this does not worry me) and then crazy-making “it must be cancer” things in websites I’ve never heard of.

    How do I keep same about this over the weekend? It doesn’t help that the mammo I had at the same time showed an area that required more scrutiny, so I’m waiting on the results of that US. I can’t fall apart now! <–and shouldn't be messing with thoughts like that either. Any suggestions on how not to think about the pink elephant?

    • 2013

      If you’re done having kids the fact that your uterine lining is thin sounds like it’s not an issue for you. She might have you confused with other patients on this issue.

      From Dear Prudence yesterday:
      When I was pregnant I elected to be told our daughter’s sex. Then at one of my last obstetrician appointments before my due date, as my doctor looked at the sonogram screen she said to me, “I can’t remember. Did you want to know what sex she is?”

    • A

      Maybe she meant the weather? is having a weird day? is totally awkward on the phone?

    • saacnmama

      Thanks guys! I didn’t expect anyone would reply in the middle of the night, but really appreciate that you did. 2013, that story is really funny! I’ll try to chalk this up to phone awkwardness or confusion.

      • eab123

        When you finally speak to the doctor, maybe mention how unsettling this message was? If this is awkwardness or confusion thing, you might be able to save a fellow patient a weekend of worry some day.

  24. Bravangelist

    Today is the first day in my life that I wore a properly fitted bra and I looked thinner and taller and more shapely under my clothes. It’s amazing how many misconceptions there are about proper bra fit. I stumbled on http://www.reddit.com/r/ABrathatFits a few weeks ago and it’s been a total life changer. Ladies, check it out.

  25. bird

    DONE WITH SALLIE MAE TODAY!

    Nothing that I really did discipline wise, but I had a small windfall, and put it towards private loans. Odd that not having *such* an astronomical amount of debt makes me feel more aggressive towards my (much larger) government loans balance?

    Sidenote, I hate that education in this country has become such an fing gamble. In another life we could have invested or started a business with a windfall….but now it’s to pay off the 8% interest loans required to finance the education required to get a job working for someone else. Let’s get on this, generation!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Congratulations!! My Sallie Mae loan was small compared to the rest of my loans but I celebrated big time when I paid them off because of how horrible they were to deal with. Enjoy being free!

    • pregomama

      I drop-kicked Sallie Mae a few weeks ago! It was the smallest of loans that DH and I have, but it was the last of MINE! Now we’re paying off the rest of his MBA, but we’re being pretty hardcore about it…on schedule to wipe $25k in 2013 before the baby comes, leaving us with about $35k after the baby comes. That’s far more reasonable than the $80k+ we had over us in 2011.

  26. Modest swimsuits?

    I’m going to India with my family this summer, and we’re going to a beach resort. Women (esp. in my extended family) generally don’t wear swimsuits, and don’t wear bikinis. Any suggestions for attractive, flattering, modest swimsuits?

  27. Gap.eu codes

    I have two 20% off full-price codes for gap.eu that I won’t be using:
    H8HKPZ48YZ7F
    LFFNY269GRTK
    They are valid till June 10, one-time use only.

  28. Silvercurls

    LLBean’s women’s swimwear offers many 2-piece combinations including both shorts and (short) skirts for the bottom half. I’ve worn their Swim Jogger shorts for years, both with the matching top and with the top from a tankini purchased from another vendor*. The shorts are some woven fabric that dries quickly and looks like real shorts, to my eyes anyway, even though they are shorter than non-swimming shorts.

    If you want another take on modesty try Lands’ End also offers both short-sleeved and long-sleeved swim shirts (designed to be worn over, not instead of, a swimsuit). This gives you collar/elbow/waistline or collar/wrist/waist coverage but it’s still form-fitting. Lands’ End also offers lots of two-piece combinations. They favor x-back straps and more plunging necklines than LLBean, so YMMV. I personally prefer scoopneck tank tops rather than v-necks or lingerie straps.

    You can also try searching online for “modest swimsuits” or similar terms. As far as I can tell, vendors do exist to serve various markets in the Orthodox Jewish or traditional Christian or Muslim communities. Most of the suits involve some sort of sleeves, draped rather than clinging fabric, and either longer skirts (approaching or covering the knees) or skirts over leggings. I’m hazy on the details because these options were modest beyond my own needs. No snark intended here–I think it’s great that companies want to help women from all communities be active within or beside a pool or the ocean.

    *Can’t remember the vendor’s name but their shorts were _awful_–made of knit fabric that got so heavy when wet that it pulled down. Not to indecent levels or anything, but there’s nothing like walking around above a lump of dragging damp fabric to really boost one’s confidence. Ha. At least I can/could laugh.

  29. Jessica Glitter

    What are you favorite sleep/loungewear? I am a pj pants/ comfy shirt kind of girl, but I am searching for a new pair! (Plus I can’t a think of a more relaxing weekend topic than pjs.)

  30. SH

    Anyone have an idea how quickly one can get hired to be a contract attorney/doc review?

    I’m currently higher-up in-house, but my company will probably have to close because of new rules (not our rules) that would make it impossible for our major clients to stay. I’ve been looking to move for the past few months because of general “fit” and salary reasons, but I’ve been holding off on applying for doc review and “anything and everything” because I still have my job, and it’s pretty decent. However, the end may come a bit faster than I thought (or it may not…), and I’d like to minimize the amount of time spent with no income. If I apply for contractor positions that I turn down, would I get blacklisted from all contractor positions? What do you think?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Sydney Bristow

      It may depend on where you are. I’m in NYC and registered with a few agencies. You typically have to apply on their website then go in for an interview. This process can be sped up if you have a specific person’s email address that you got from someone you know who has done a doc review project through them. Then you can apply online and email the person to let them know that you’re interested and applied.

      After you’re registered, you basically just have to check in regularly to update them on your availability. In my case, I email all my agency contacts once a week when I’m available for projects. If they start staffing a project, they’ll email or call with the details and you can decide whether or not you want to be submitted to the client for the project. If you want to be submitted, then you really need to take the project if you’re chosen (or you will be blacklisted). If you don’t want to be submitted for some reason, its no big deal and you can either just ignore the email or tell them on the phone that you aren’t interested in that one. I’ve declined to be submitted for lots of projects and it hasn’t been a problem.

      In your case, it can’t hurt to get registered with at least one agency and just tell them what’s going on when you interview with them. Let them know that you’re currently employed but the company is closing and you aren’t sure yet when that will happen. Then just stay in touch occasionally to update them when you have a better idea of when you’d be available and once you know when your job is ending then start checking in weekly to let them know you’re available.

      In my experience, it took a few weeks before I got my first project and I submitted myself to a bunch. I had just passed the bar though and they like people with doc review experience, which I didn’t have at that point. Once you work your first project it becomes much easier to get other ones.

  31. emeralds

    It’s late so I might re-post on Monday, but: a few weeks ago I mentioned finding a wrap dress that would fit my pear-ish shape, and several ladies asked me to link to it. That specific dress is still un-findable in the US, alas. However, today I found another pear-friendly wrap, so I thought I’d share it if anyone is still interested. Here it is: http://www.us.purecollection.com/.Silk-Jersey-Wrap-Dress_LW-187.htm

    I actually got it in a thrift store, in a different print (and for $8, which, post-Google appears to be a holy s**t-level find), but it’s definitely the same dress. And it is AWESOME. The fabric is nice and heavy, and the skirt floats away really beautifully, which I think is one of the keys to wrap dresses for our shape. I’d say it runs a little small–I’m usually a 2 and the US 4/UK 10 fits perfectly.

    • Green

      For emeralds:

      You had asked about time management tips for grad school. I recently finished my grad program, so I wanted to comment. Like someone else said, it will take time to get back into the swing of things and school, so don’t be too hard on yourself. I also found that grad school taught me a lot about prioritizing – it was close to impossible to be at 100% for every class, plus work / internship, plus your personal life and still stay sane. It’s OK to make choices. Although I loved my program, there were still a couple of classes that were just not applicable to what I wanted to do and it was OK to not ace those classes (which seems odd to say as a type-A).

      I would also spend some time talking with students that are ahead of you – they can give you info on classes and searching for a job after graduation. And last thing, I would evaluate how much time you really need to put into the internship. There is a big difference between 20 and 30 hrs. If you’d like to work there full-time, or they may give you a great letter of rec., then definitely go for it. But if it’s the type of thing where everyone is guaranteed an internship, and the school places the students with the exact same orgs each year, then I’d suggest you get the most out of it, but don’t go overboard to the point that your other priorities suffer.

      Wow – that was long, but hopefully useful!

  32. Frou Frou

    Lovely ladies, I need your help! I have my first interview for an associate position coming up, and I’m not sure what types of associate-specific questions to expect. I’m otherwise an experienced interviewer, but not for law jobs. When you interview entry-level associates, what types of questions do you typically ask? This is for a small firm (two attorneys). THANKS!!

  33. Atlanta Advice

    What would you do if you had one day only to explore Atlanta? Looking for suggestions for things to do, places to go, and restaurants to check out. Thanks in advance!

    • Anonymous

      Brunch at The Flying Biscuit, walk through Piedmont Park or Botanical Garden, drinks at Park Tavern, shopping in Midtown, tour of the High Museum, dinner at Holeman & Finch.

      OR

      Breakfast at Carroll Street Café or Ria’s Bluebird or Thumbs Up, tour of Oakland Cemetery, lunch at Six Feet Under, visit Georgia Aquarium (though the Zoo is closer and located in lovely Grant Park), dinner at Empire State South or Sotto Sotto.

  34. Anon for this

    Just need somewhere to turn because the past 24 hours have been not great. I found out yesterday and this morning that two male acquaintances had been arrested for sexual assault. They didn’t know each other – totally separate, but according to the news stories, they both had ongoing patterns – not a one time thing. (Not that “it only happened once” is any sort of mitigation AT ALL, but the ongoing thing feels like it makes it worse.) One of the guys was an ex-coworker who I wasn’t overly close with, but the other was someone who I was very, very good friends with in high school and college, and actually was even romantically involved with for a short time a couple years back. I’m really struggling to wrap my brain around all of this and having a lot of conflicting feelings. Obviously I make no apologies for either of them but I am struggling to process everything, especially around the guy I was close to. It certainly wasn’t something I would have ever seen coming and in the years that I was close to him (a decade), he was never anything but sweet and caring and honestly quite a good person. I haven’t stayed in touch with him over the past couple years and I don’t know what has happened in his life… but I am basically torn between feeling repulsed and disgusted by his actions, and feeling so sad that such a great guy could have done these things and destroyed his life like this, and feeling like there has to be some sort of mistake. (If you just read that and are planning to make a comment along the lines of ‘obviously he’s not a great guy, obviously he’s a rapist’, believe me that I am way ahead of you and not trying to make apologies; just trying to process my own feelings – not always easy to reconcile emotions with rational response.)

    I tried to tell my boyfriend how I was feeling upset about all this but he basically made a joke-y comment that really shut me off to discussing it with him further. He is terrible with any sort of serious topic and often tries to make a joke because he feels so uncomfortable and usually I just let it go because I know it’s a defensive mechanism but it was so poorly timed this time. Also, it’s very possible I’m projecting some of the complicated emotions I’m having onto him. Additionally, he doesn’t realize that this was a guy who I briefly dated and I don’t really feel like spelling that out for him, but it is compounding how upset I am.

    So I don’t know if I’m even looking for advice or anything, just needed to try to get some of these thoughts out. The double whammy of TWO guys who I NEVER would have expected it from has just really knocked me off balance – thank God it’s the weekend and I could just stay home with the doggie and be somewhat dysfunctional for the day.

    • Dulcinea

      I don’t think at this hour I am going to be particularly articulate, but let me try. I feel for you and I think maybe your issue is with reconciling how “good people” (as you knew them) can do “bad things” (as they are accused). I think this is an issue a lot of us confront in one way or another; most of life really isn’t black and white.

      I don’t know if you are religious or spiritual at all but if you are maybe that will give you some guidance. If not ( I’m agnostic / atheist myself) then it is something you have to sit with and make some kind of peace with. I have found that thinking about this sort of thing has made me a more compassionate, thoughtful human being, and able to realize that any individual (myself included) may be capable of an incredible range of actions from very kind to extremely cruel. I do believe that everyone is doing the best they can with the sense they have, and I do try to be compassionate and forgiving whenever I think someone has wronged me, because I know that I too have wronged people on days where I just wasn’t “scoring” very well on the kindness-cruelty spectrum.

      As far as your current upset, it seems you are upset with your boyfriend for not being more supportive towards you in the moments that you are confronted with this very real and significant human experience (ie, being confronted with how gray and unpredictable people in our world can be). I feel for you in that, but again, just like the guys in your story, each person is capable of kindness, cruelty and a whole range of things in between…maybe your boyfriend was just doing his best but landing somewhere closer to the middle of that spectrum for your taste tonight. Maybe another time he will do better.

    • Island girl

      It would be interesting to know why this has rattled you so much, but it is clear you are really upset. I can imagine that altho you knew it can be a hard, bad, mean scary world out there, your knowledge was previously theoretical and distant. Now, real human beings whom you know, one of them intimately (if I understand you right) are a part of that world, and not in a good way.

      First: presumption of innocence applies. Hold your judgment until you have all the facts, and in our world, that means proof beyond a reasonable doubt. News stories are often w-a-a-y off the mark, especially in the early days. Second, assuming both men are guilty, you also know some good things about them. Discard black and white thinking and realize they are both good and bad, maybe mentally ill, perhaps with substance abuse problems, maybe ADHD.

      I’m a criminal defense attorney myself, and although I’ve met many people who have done horrible things, very few of them are irredemiable. I’m an atheist, but I am a big believer in redemption.

      Let us know how you are doing, and staying home with the doggie sounds like just the ticket.

      Time will sort this out. Main thing, you are safe and life will go on.

      • Anon for this

        Island Girl and Dulcinea, thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so helpful to hear some rational words and put things in good perspective. As you may or may not have guessed, I have had some experience with sexual violence in my past, and I think the thing that rattled me the most was that someone who I had trusted wound up possibly being one of the “bad guys”. So, keeping some perspective about the grey areas is an important reminder – everyone in my life has both good and bad – so I need to get away from thinking about “good guys” and “bad guys”.

        I talked with the boyfriend and it actually wound up being a productive conversation about how we communicate about difficult issues – I learned that I have a habit of suddenly springing heavy topics on him and he feels like he could respond much better if I would say something along the lines of “I need to talk to you about something that might be a little difficult to discuss” or “a serious topic that is upsetting me” or something along those lines, just to make clear that it would be a good time to be a little sensitive. (Just sharing in case anyone else does this – I didn’t realize it until he pointed it out).

        So, again, thank you – I was starting to retreat into my “trust no one” shell, so I’m glad there’s good folks around me to remind me that the world’s not black and white but it’s mostly good anyways. :-)

    • anon in tejas

      I went through a similar feeling when my direct supervisor was fired for s- harassment. I had no clue it was going on at the office with staff and clients. It made me reexamine every interaction with him, and I was upset. I had a lot of complex feelings around the issue ranging from anger to distrust to confusion.

      I talked about it with my partner a lot. It may not be a bad idea to talk to someone else like a therapist for a session or two to help you walk through the grief and healing process. I did go through some of the stages of grieving, so that’s why I used that term. And take care of yourself.

    • M-C

      Sorry for the late response, anon for this, but I still feel compelled to pipe up here. My first response was to worry about you. A girl is at risk in this world if she believes that “bad guys” are rapists. If you consider statistics, rapists are definitely people you know. Your co-worker, the grocery clerk you say hello to, your father or cousin or husband.. They may not be raping you, (yet), but that doesn’t make them harmless in general, or immune to seizing opportunities. And in addition you have the true psychopaths, whose entire approach in life rests on being excellent liars and showing the world a pristine facade, nobody can see through that at first, there’s nothing wrong with you for not detecting them.

      I’m sorry to hear that you have indeed had a horrible experience before, but not too surprised. Perhaps it’d be best if you could bring yourself not to retreat in a shell of “good guys” thinking to avoid thinking about it too much? I’m certainly not a therapy-happy person, but I think it’d possibly help you to consider some to deal with the aftermath of what happened to you. Your local hotline would be a good source of references to therapists who’d be especially sensitive to the issues. And maybe some classic reading on the topic would help? How about “the gift of fear” coupled with “why does he do that?” and “without conscience”. I’ve found that having some better rational basis for trusting my instincts (both directions) has made me feel more secure..

  35. Father-to-Be's day advice?

    DH and I are expecting…I’d like to get him a book on parenting/ building relationships (we’re having a girl!) for Father’s day. Something that will engage him and be a nod to his upcoming fatherhood without saying “HAPPY FATHERS DAY” to a not-yet-Dad.

    Any great books you can recommend? I’m browsing online/ Amaz0n but would love this crowd’s input.

  36. Miss Behaved

    Anyone know what’s going on in Boston right now? Breaking news on boston.com says there’s a mass power outage in the Back Bay and they’ve closed the pike at the Pru exit because of it. Plus, I got a text saying that South Station is closed due to fire.

  37. cbackson

    I’m really not loving the sidebar ad for “Skinnygirl” cocktails. “Drink like a lady”? Really? This lady drinks single malts and calories aren’t her primary motivator when she picks up a c*cktail menu, thanks.

      • Anonymous

        Oh come on. Why would Kat block an advertiser that is paying money to post? Also the whole point of the ads are that they are tounge in check. So the ad says “Ladies are always refined” and it shows ladies dancing, “Ladies always sit up straight” and it shows them lounging by the pool, “ladies are always reserved” and it shows them laughing their ass off. I think you are being extremely sensitive if you are going to let this bother you.

  38. plcesq

    I know this is a total TJ – there was a regular on this site – and I am sorry I cannot remember the handle – who had a wardrobe spreadsheet that she emailed to those of us who requested it. I was cleaning up my email and, of course, deleted it. Could you send it to me again? plcesq at the google email service. Many thanks!

  39. Neurotic Nelly

    I am posting because I am a dysfunctional freak, and I hope I’m not the only one. I just got an offer for a job I have wanted for a gajillion years and never thought I would actually get. Tomorrow I have to give notice at my current job, which has had its frustrations for the last six months especially, but where I really like most of the people and things seem “safe.”

    My stomach has hurt all weekend and I just want to cry. I’m afraid I’m going to f*ck up this great job, and that I’m going to regret leaving the devil I know, and that the new people are going to be crazy or otherwise unpleasant, and that I’m going to get fired and we’ll have to live in a van down by the river. (I am the family’s primary breadwinner and insurance holder, and we are in a very expensive city.)

    What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just woman up and do this? Or even be HAPPY about it? Last night I was frantically Googling because I realized that my start date will fall when Mercury is in retrograde. I KNOW! I know. Ridiculous.

    • Seattleite

      Two possible reasons:

      1. It’s the wrong move, and your gut knows it. (Unlikely, for reasons you’ve given.)
      2. This is your freakin’ dream job, and you’ve fooled yourself into believing this is your one shot at success. Add in the additional stress of being primary breadwinner. (I also suspect that perhaps change doesn’t come easily to you.) All that together? Wow, SO MUCH PRESSURE. And that is not a slam, because in your shoes, I would be feeling THE PRESSURE too. In fact, I was having cardboard box in the gutter visions just this morning…

      Remember, please, that when men bore the sole financial responsibility for their families, many of them “manned up” but also ended up alcoholics, with stress-induced health issues, angry, etc. because they tried to manage it all w/o asking for help. You have a right to be anxious. Don’t feel bad about that, and please don’t feel like there is something wrong with you.

      Can you revisit the last time you had a scary yet ultimately successful change, just to remind yourself that it worked out? Long walk with a friend? And, if this feeling persists beyond a day or two, perhaps see your doc about a tiny dose of Xanax to get you through the transition. Probably half my friends have had to use it a time or two.

      This isn’t your only shot. They picked you, so they think you can do it. Breath deep. Hang in there.

    • Fleur

      Congratulations on getting a great job offer! If you truly feel like some trustworthy instinct is telling you this is too good to be true, explore why you might feel that way. But otherwise, it sounds to me like you’re just freaking out at the prospect of being happy and realizing a dream. Happens all the time, especially in relationships! Of course you can do this–that’s why you got the position.

  40. StartingOver@40

    Does anyone have experience starting over in a new city in their 40’s?

    In my early 20’s I moved to 800 miles from my parents’ home to where I am now without a safety net. Turning 40 this year has really changed my perspective of where/how I will spend the next 20 years of my life and I’m ready to move on from my current city. I’m not as impulsive as I was back then and will actually be planning my move this time but I have no idea how to start.

    Does anyone have any advice? How did you pick your new city? How did you plan? Any advice on how to handle the job search? I’m in financial services if that helps.

    Thanks!

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