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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 246 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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ShoeDazzle KimiaSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Maybe you've been curious about the over-the-knee boot trend. Maybe you've even zeroed in on the well-reviewed Stuart Weitzman 5050 boots, which everyone says are amazing. But: $600 (plus tax) can be a lot to spend on trendy weekend wear. So I was excited to see this much (much) (much!) cheaper version at ShoeDazzle. I ordered a pair myself and would say the materials and comfort levels are what you'd expect from a budget shoe, but it's a great way to tip your toe in the waters and see if you like/wear the style. The boots were $50, but are now on sale for $35. Kimia boots (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  1. Technical Observation

    I often cannot post as a reply. The site seems to accept my typing in the box, and then I hit the “post comment” button and it does what it usually does, and then my comment does not appear. I have taken to copying the text before hitting “post comment,” but when I try to post a second time, I get the error message “oops, it looks like you already said that — duplicate comment” (or similar).

    When this happens, I usually can post as a new comment (I am the one who responded to SweetKnee on this morning’s thread this way.

    Has anyone else had this issue? I am using IE (whatever the current version is, but this has been going on across versions) on a Windows 7 PC.

  2. NbyNW

    Happy weekend! My last Friday at my old job – new job starts on Tuesday! I’ve been waiting so long for this new job and I’m so excited.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Thread’s!

      Congratulation’s to you on starteing a new job! It is very exciteing for this to happen! Mabye your new boss will be great like mine. The manageing partner just gave me a $500 gift card to Lord & Taylor’s and told me not to spend it all at once! He said it was a special reward for billing over 500 hours in the month of November!

      DOUBEL YAY! I am on track for about 450 this month, and that is less onley b/c I am takeing the last week off entirely to go with Myrna to Myrtle Beach SOUTH Carolina. She knows a guy who has a house down there and he knows some guy’s who might want to date me.

      Fred called to apoligize for last nite, but I told him NO SOAP, we are EGGZOVER! NO way will a guy be permited to grab my boobies after takeing me to a baskete ball game. I am a woman and have moral’s. I will NOT stand for him, also b/c he was flirteing and stareing at alot of women. He said he was NOT used to seeing so many pretty women before, b/c he does NOT see any up in PURDEY’s at his feed store. FOOEY on that. Rosa knows alot of pretty women up in Chapaqua, so how much different can PURDEY’s be? I am sure he is just a guy lookeing to sleep with as many women as he can, and if he can NOT, he just want’s to grab our boobies. DOUBEL FOOEY ON HIM AND OTHER’s LIKE HIM. We are more than a squeezing bag for men. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      Dad want’s me to think about mabye lookeing for places that he and mom can buy for a vacation home down there. If he moves to North Carolina, he want’s a place where Rosa and I can meet him (with Ed and the Kids, and if I ever get MARRIED, MY HUSBAND and MY BABIE’s also–YAY!). I told him I would look and tell him if I found anything he might buy for us to vacation in.

      Myrna and I have alot to talk about. She is disgusted at men like Fred and Olak who just think of us, as she says “glorified air mattresses that they can bounce their weenies on”. FOOEY ON MEN LIKE THEM! FOOEY! We have to put together a plan of attack where we can choose the men we want and NOT have to have them think that we are just sex toy’s. We are so much smarter then that!

      If anyone in the HIVE has Idea’s, I will come back and get them for Myrna and me to REVIEW YAY!!!!!!!

  3. KC

    Happy Friday everyone!

    Gift related TJ: Any great dad gift ideas? I struggle every year, in part because my dad is not into golf, drinking, or grilling. Has anyone come across any neat gadgets or gizmos recently?

    • AIMS

      How much do you want to spend?
      Maybe get him an Apple TV or a Roku box?
      Netflix annual subscriptions also make a nice gift.
      A nice thermos (my dad was very into thermoses)?
      An argyle vest?
      Some tempurpedic slippers?
      A harris tweed driving cap or fedora?
      Maple syrup of the month club?
      iPhone/iPod adapter for the car?
      Kindle?
      Monogrammed Swiss army knife (my uncle has one of these and carries it everywhere)?

    • NOLA

      I got some fun stuff for my SO at ThinkGeek. Brookstone was also a good source. ThinkGeek had the thing where you could jump a battery without opening the hood. Also the USB rocket launcher (great for the office…)

    • TBK

      No suggestions, but just commiseration. What’s with the 1950s view of All Men? I have the worst time finding fathers day cards because neither my dad nor my stepdad is into sports, golf (what percentage of dads really actually golf? some, sure, but I doubt it’s like 90% of all dads), scotch, cars, or grilling. Nor do either of them wear ties to work.

      • a passion for fashion

        This is perfect. I was looking for something just like it. Thanks!

    • KLG

      This might be a very specific gift but in case your dad has a similar need: My dad walks their dog every morning before work and he has a fleece-y baseball hat with LED lights built into the brim that he wears this time of year since it’s kind of dark when he goes outside. He loves it. I think we got it for him at REI.

      • Mpls

        My dad loves his LED headlamp – uses it when he goes fishing/camping, looking for stuff in the car when it’s dark, working on the car instead of a trouble light. Tons of random stuff.

    • ExcelNinja

      My stepdad loves to read and loves tea, so this year I’m getting him a “cozy up and read” themed gift with wool socks, a kindle, amazon gift card, a sampler of a bunch of different teas, and a cheesy tea mug.

    • Katie

      My dad is a grandfather, and he is elderly. This year I am getting him a grandparent’s journal to write down stories about his life to share with the grandkids. He loves sharing childhood stories with us generally, so I hope it’s a hit.

    • anon in tejas

      we got my father in law LL Bean Wicked Good Slippers, and he loves loves loves them. They were well worth it. He would never ever ever get them for himself. Coined best christmas gift in a while.

  4. pegasus

    I know for most of you this is so far removed …but I can’t believe Madiba is gone, and am taking this surprisingly hard :( If it wasn’t for you and your generation I wouldn’t have had the same friends, relationships or colleagues that I do today. So for that and all you’ve done for us, thank you tata

    • Anonymous

      a great man and leader, but honestly he was 95. And you didn’t actually know him. I think he deserves all the recognition but the fact that you personally are taking it hard strikes me as just wanting to be seen a certain way.

      • a lawyer

        Comments like this make me grateful for my friends and co-workers and happy I don’t work with someone who makes this sort of comment. What on earth motivated you to post this kind of comment? If you feel that way, best to keep your hands off the keyboard. No one on this blog wants to read this kind of comment.

        • Anonymous

          Itss really not that nasty. My facebook is filled with people trying to out mourn each other about his death. You can totally appreciate his achievements and legacy without personally trying to out mourn everyone. (see above the law for someone who couldn’t answer a question because of mourning) This wasn’t an assassination, it was death from old age.

          • Senior Attorney

            Okay, I’m not speechless.

            When my father in law died just short of his 95th birthday, somebody sent a card that said “It’s always too soon to lose someone you love,” and I thought that was really insightful. I think it’s completely reasonable to mourn the death of a loved one whether it is unexpected or not.

      • pegasus

        You’re right, I didn’t know him personally. And yes, it wasn’t a shock. But its in moments like these that us here in South Africa remind ourselves that without his leadership, things could have been so different. My family only moved back post democracy, and had I been born here 2 decades ago I wouldn’t have been able to have the close friends or boyfriends that I’ve had. I wouldn’t be working where I currently do, or even been able to sit next to the same people I’m the bus – and I say all this as a white South African!
        So even as a stranger, he has had a bigger impact on our lives than most people I do know. And I just wanted to express my deep gratitude in some way (I’m doing so in person too, but just thought I’d share given that this is an open thread and others might feel the same).

        To the other commenters, thank you for your sweet words!

        • zora

          pegasus: i am so glad you shared your gratitude and your comment with us, I am honored you wanted to share that with this community. And glad I could send back some gratitude to you and to Mandela from all the way here in California. So, thank YOU.

      • Divaliscious11

        Perhaps you should be more careful. People post anonymously so you never know who is posting and who they know or are connected to or where they are from etc….

    • zora

      ohhh, that is so sweet. I am so sorry for your loss. I know he meant a lot to so many people, so much that I, as a white USean can’t truly understand. But he will be so missed, and the whole world is better for having had him for the time that we had him. Hugs.

    • Wildkitten

      I had to stop watching the news because it was making me so sad. The world needs more leaders like Madiba.

    • Anonymous

      hmm I posted a comment that is in moderation but for when it shows up- I read too fast and thought you were a different poster.

    • Silvercurls

      Actually, it is and it isn’t far removed. On the surface I’m a white American (although Jewish, so minority religion/culture) but because of ancestral migratory decisions I grew up as an American with close family in SA and visited there on several occasions during childhood and adulthood. No illusions about being SAn myself, but from travels, family conversations, and my own reading I feel a small connection to the country. Last night I stayed up way, way, way too late getting waterlogged on information available online and on public radio (specifically, the Mandela Tapes as aired on the CBC/Canadian Broadcasting Corp. program “Ideas”).

      Nelson Mandela was an amazing person for many reasons. I admire his ability to hold onto his ideals and goals despite many harsh experiences that would have permanently embittered a lesser spirit. The depths of his joys and sorrows–so many dimensions of the human experience–were etched into his face in a way that only happens to people who have been deeply engaged with life. I am glad that he was able to make so many positive contributions to his country and the world.

      +1 to Zora’s comment “…the whole world is better for having had him for the time that we had him.”

  5. Party Pants?

    Outfit Question: I have a pair of ankle-length, black and red tweed sparkly pants I’d like to wear for winter holiday parties. However, I’m not having great luck choosing shoes or a top to go with it. Jewel neck, 3/4 sleeve black sweater seems like the default but somehow looks too casual (statement necklace? updo?). Any ideas for a great sleeved top to go with pants such as these from you stylish ladies?

  6. Interrobanged

    AGH. I broke my ankle and tore two ligaments on vacation in late March 2013 and have been rehabbing it since. I finally started working out “hard” again last week (not as hard as before, but better than nothing). And then, today, I was in the grocery store and slipped on a wet spot, twisted the same ankle, and landed on my hip/ass. So now I have a huge bruise on my hip and my ankle is all swollen and I officially hate my life.

    • Miss Behaved

      Back when we were kids, my sister broke her ankle. The day she got the cast off she fell down a small flight of stairs (3 steps) in our foyer and broke it again.

      • Interrobanged

        Your poor, poor sister. I am (was?) a runner, so this enforced laziness has been a real downer for me. Oh well… I am home icing it now.

        • viclawstudent

          A fellow runner here who’s been rehabbing a knee issue (well, knees issue, it’s in both) for months now, and I feel you on how hard it is to be forced into laziness! Fingers crossed that this latest twist will only be a minor setback for you.

    • Equity's Darling

      As a chronic ankle sprainer, starting with a break while travelling in 2010, I feel your pain. I’ve been rehabbing for a while, and re-sprained it again two weeks ago, I was so unbelievably frustrated. My doctor and trainer just keep encouraging patience, but I’m going insane, especially because I was told to stop running until my ankle is much stronger. Like 3- 6 months stronger.

    • Bonnie

      Yikes. I tore a ligament in my ankle and the rehab has been much harder and longer than I expected. Take your time recovering (again).

      • Interrobanged

        Seriously. The rehab has taken so effing long. I was in the midst of training for a half-marathon when the initial injury happened. My ankle doc said I would be back to running by September. LOLYEAHRIGHT.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Show of hands, how many lawyers immediately started evaluating her case and wanting to ask if there was a cone/wet floor sign? I’ll raise mine.

      • Interrobanged

        Haha! I am a civil defense litigator and I’ll raise my hand. There was no cone, but when I looked around I thought the water was pretty obvious. If I had been paying better attention, I am sure I would have seen it. I’d have to be pretty severely injured before I’d consider bringing a BI claim!

      • Aggie

        Me three! I don’t even handle PI claims but my mind instinctively went to client intake mode. My second question would be whether you were near an area where slippery surfaces would be anticipated. (Entry ways, ice machines, egg aisle, etc.)

  7. WTF FRIDAY

    This does not include any “confidential” information:

    I work in a small office. I have a client who I formerly represented. A family member of his has contacted me repeatedly to re-represent him. HE DOES NOT WANT MY REPRESENTATION. Family member, however, calls at least 2-3x week. The entire staff knows to not let them talk to me.

    This is as weird as it sounds.

    Today, he SENT A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT TO ME at the office with a handwritten card stating “thanks for your help”. We would have declined delivery if we had known it was from him.

    So, #1: Has anyone ever had anything this weird happen? Will this person key my car next?

    #2: Ethically, I can’t keep this large floral arrangement or keep it at the office. Does anyone have a good idea of where I could donate it – today?

    • Famouscait

      No idea about #1, but I’m sure a nursing home or hospital would be happy to take your flowers.

    • KLG

      For #1, I would consider filing a police report for harassment by phone. I know it seems drastic but it’s always good to have a record of this stuff if something happens.

      For #2, as Famouscait recommended, definitely take it to your nearest nursing home and ask them to give it to a resident who probably won’t get anything for the holidays.

    • Bonnie

      I’m not sure if there is anything preventing you from ethically keeping the flowers in the office. You are not representing him, do not intend to do so and did not ask for the flowers.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      Just because the flowers were delivered in his name does not mean that he actually sent them. Maybe the family member who keeps calling you sent them?

      • Anon

        I read the original post as the flowers were from the family member that keeps calling.

  8. Anonymous

    I’m absolutely terrible at schmoozing, so I have to congratulate myself for the guts I just showed. I recently applied for a job and heard it re-announced at a networking event this morning. Hiring Person was standing around talking about how great a fit so-and-so would be for the job, and I just stood there smiling until I got the chance to introduce myself and hand over a resume. Hiring Person played it off too, as if it wasn’t awkward at all! No idea at all whether I have a chance, but I feel like the bigger deal is that I didn’t slink off like I so desperately wanted to. If I even get an interview it will be a good story.

    • Niktaw

      Good for you! You’ll never get anything if you don’t try. Hope you’ll get an interview and the job.

    • Ciao, pues

      Good work! As someone who HATES schmoozing/ networking (even though I am a very social person– what’s with that?) I am very impressed! Good luck!

    • AMB

      Well done! I just put on my big girl pants and e-mailed a higher up at a place I’d love to work to see if there are any possibilities. Its scary but my fingers are crossed for both of us!

  9. Sydney Bristow

    Another gift idea question. I want to get my nephew something for Christmas but I’m totally stuck. I have no idea what is appropriate for babies at what ages. He is about 7 months old and I’m looking to spend $20-30.

    • Niktaw

      This echoes the book I am listening to this week – “How Children Succeed” by Paul Tough (ha!).
      One of the points he raises is the high value of compliant, disciplined, hardworking student in the eyes of teachers and school administrators, and how the same value is attached to these qualities in workers. And actually the studies show that success (defined as graduating school/college, having gainful employment, good health due to absence of bad habits) is strongly tied to these qualities.
      BUT, and this is where I step away from the book.
      Self-discipline and risk aversion are not associated in our minds with creative genius. Van Gogh, Evariste Galois, Roman Polanski… one can give so many examples. And there is a concern in my mind that creativity is being bred out of the masses because the wealthy are the only ones that can afford to be creative and nonconformist at a young, most productive age.

      • Sydney Bristow

        This ties in with a lot of what I’ve been reading lately too. On the creative genius topic, I’ve learned some about da Vinci and other creative geniuses and how they got to that point and a ton of it is actually due to self-discipline, but it is self-discipline that comes from a total absorption into something and an internal drive to be immersed in that topic. I think that internal hunger for something might be part of what is missing in education and could be tied to removing things like arts and music education where a kid might be exposed to something different they discover they need to do and the lack of ability for a child to follow the path that interests them the most. I have no idea what the answer is but I’m finding the topic fascinating and have been reading a lot about learning and talent recently.

        I watched a video of Chase Jarvis presenting on this topic at the World Domination Summit and he also covers it some in his podcast.

        If you’re interested in reading more on the topics, I recommend Mastery by Robert Greene and The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle. Daniel Goleman’s book Focus and Dan Airiely’s Predictably Irrational both touch upon the subject as well. A few others on my list that I haven’t been able to read yet are The Straight A Conspiracy by Hunter Maats, So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport, and Flow by Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi.

      • anon

        Roman Polanski as creative genius? Bravo! Ah, this is full of lawyers, that must be why! It’s true he’s a creative genius at both avoiding the consequences of his actions (drugging and sodomizing a 13-year-old) and still having people blathering about his genius.
        I’m surprised you aren’t also extolling the genius of Woody Allen, of banging-the-teenage-stepdaughter creativity. Come on, just a little effort?

        • cbackson

          I despise Roman Polanski to the extent that I won’t see his movies, notwithstanding that I think as a artist, he’s extremely talented. That said, I think you’re missing the point – she included him in the list precisely because he’s an example of the combination creative talent and willful lack of self-control.

      • Monday

        I just find their content increasingly geared toward short silly stories with headlines obviously trying to get pageviews at any expense. Sorry to offend any fans.

        • Susedna

          Agree. It’s not real news nor is it in-depth analysis like stuff you’d see on The Atlantic Monthly or New Statesman or New Yorker. It reads like a snarky blog pretending to have these bold new takes on controversial issues when it’s pretty meh about both news content and unpacking difficult topics. There are some exceptions but 90% of their content is meh to me.

          • Wildkitten

            I think it depends on the writer. Dahlia Lithwick is amazing. Matt Yglesias is not.

          • Susedna

            Totally with ya re: those two writers. I just skip over everything Matt Yglesias writes.

            Also, they get minus 1000 points for marginalizing issues that affect women more by shunting them all off into the XX Factor.

          • Wildkitten

            I agree, Susedna! I’ve emailed them about that. On the other hand, I love DoubleX. I also really liked Jack Schafer and now he’s at Reuters.

          • Avodah

            So happy to see a Slate discussion here! I used to like there food-for-thought midbrow commentary, but recently it has really started to backslide.

            As far as Matthew Yglesias…how he went to Harvard escapes me. The man is a total idiot and a terrible writer. I despise the “content” he produces for Slate.

      • AEK

        I like Slate but I tire of the weeklyish All Women / Moms Should Do / Should Not Do X articles, or the alternative This Particular Women Is / Is Not Good for Women articles.

  11. Cb

    Argh, can I vent? Some neighbourhood kids have knocked down the fence (construction in our development), shouted abuse at our neighbour, and started a fire. Just what we needed…

  12. meme

    Can anyone tell me how Eddie Bauer sizing runs? Especially tops? Thanks in advance.

    • MJ

      I’m on the higher end of their scale (12-14), but I find it TTS. I only buy t-shirts from there, and fleece, and down though…not a lot of their tailored tops. I do have one button-down corduroy shirt and it’s TTS though. They have measurements on their website, and they are pretty accurate, I’ve found. Some of their technical First Ascent baselayers are really tight, but they’re supposed to be. Otherwise, TTS.

    • Marie

      Their size chart puts me in a size 6 in skirts/pants, but I’ve often had to go down to a 4. Tops seem TTS.

  13. Courthouse Wedding Outfit

    Personal shopping threadjack. I need an outfit for my January courthouse wedding. No specific parameters, except that I’m curvy and so far white pants have all been too sheer for me. I want something timeless, that won’t look dated in 10 years. Help!

  14. dog walker tip

    Holiday tipping TJ. We just started using a dog walker on an as-needed basis (so we don’t have a regular schedule, we just ask her to come a few days in advance of when we know both my SO and I will have an issue getting home in time). The cost is $18/walk. So far she has walked our dog once this week and will do so once next week. What would be an appropriate holiday tip? Is $5 in a card too low? I know usually it’s at least the cost of a walk, but we just started with her. Thanks!

    • AIMS

      I think if you don’t want to do $18 (which I understand), I’d get her a $10 giftcard to starbucks.

    • Wildkitten

      My dog walker has an online system for tipping. They won’t take cash we leave out.

    • Anon

      I would probably give $20 and just see it as kind of an investment for next year.

      • TBK

        Agreed. I think $5 would look cheap and it would be better to do nothing. I think $20 and, if you’re so inclined, a treat for her own dog (I’ve never met a dog walker who didn’t also own at least one dog) would be appreciated and help to ensure good service going forward.

      • A Nonny Moose

        My comment got eaten, but it was along these same lines. Look at is as an investment toward your future relationship and not a reflection of what she’s already done for you.

    • dog walker tip

      Thanks, all. We are fine with giving $20 and will do that–I agree with looking at it as an investment in the future, and she’s been very responsive and responsible so far. I think I’m just going to leave cash in a card. Not sure if she’s a sbux person, and trying to think of other places to give a gc just led me back to cash being better. (And TBK, I think she actually does not have a dog herself.)

  16. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University

    Has anyone done this? How pronounced is the religious/Christian element?

    We want to suggest it to our 23 year old son. We are Jewish. He was raised by two Israeli parents, attending Orthodox and Chabad congregations. For the last 8-ish years, when he attends with his Dad and me, it is a Reconstructionist congregation. So he is Jewish, but not overly so, but (because of the Israeli household during his childhood) has virtually no experience with Christianity.

    I imagine it’s like the “higher power” component of AA — in which case I would simply suggest that whenever he hears “Jesus teaches X” he should just tell himself “a good way of living is/the Golden Rule teaches X.” How far off am I?

    Thanks.

    • Wildkitten

      I think that like the best exercise is the one you”ll do, the best financial responsibility is the one that you don’t have to keep pretending is saying something that it isn’t. If Dave Ramsey doesn’t speak to him I’m sure there’s an alternative that does. LearnVest has some paid services, but is designed for women. What else is out there, R3tt3s?

    • Aggie

      The Christian element of Dave Ramsey’s seminars is highly pronounced. His lessons are biblically based and most center around the New Testament. In my opinion, the two subjects are so intertwined that it diminishes the message to exclude the Christianity component.

      I think he would benefit more from a secular Personal Finance Seminar and one of the best resources I know of is iTunes University. The Universities of Michigan and Missouri have great video lectures and I believe Marketplace also has a series on Personal Finance.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I haven’t personally done it but I do listen to Dave Ramsey’s podcasts. I’m an atheist and just sort of tune out the religious parts, which there are a lot of. My understanding is that the classes happen at a church, usually with members of the congregation attending so I’d bear that in mind if it might make him uncomfortable.

      The only people I know who have done it are my cousin and his wife, who are very religious (Christian). They went in their early 20s as part of their pre-marriage counseling and have said they found it incredibly useful. They finished paying off all their debts this year and are only 25 or 26 now, I think.

  17. OCD question

    Anyone have OCD or love someone with it? At what point did said person require treatment for it? I’ve noticed a few mild OCD tendencies in my husband over the course of our relationship and he often jokes that he probably has a “touch of OCD.” Lately, however, I’ve seen things that affect his mood and certain responses are out of proportion to the triggering event and I’m wondering (1) if it is actually OCD and (2) at what point he should talk to someone about it.

    Three examples:

    I always handle the cat litter box in my house because that is something my husband (mentally) can’t do. I’m recovering from an injury right now so I asked him to just pick up the (covered) litter box and place it on top of the toilet to make it easier for me to scoop. I then asked him to pick up the thirty pound box of clean litter and just pour a small layer on top of the now freshly scooped litter. He did it but he just seemed so pissed off and miserable. At first I got pissed thinking it was because I asked him to stop what he was doing and help me but then after seeing him wash his hands like he was prepping for surgery I realized that he was just so grossed out by even touching the outside of the litter box. Usually he doesn’t have this extreme a response to touching something “gross.” It isn’t that he just doesn’t like to clean either because he does almost all of the regular house cleaning because he can’t relax if things are dirty.

    The other issue that I’m not sure if it is his OCD or not is he has a very hard time with changes to routine. For example, if I ask him to pick up something after work he will say “I’m going to the gym and then I have to let the dog out and then I have to shower and then I have to start dinner.” I will point out that this place is on the way to the gym and should only take him a few minutes. Sometimes he will respond with I’d prefer not to or I really need to go straight to the gym but I can pick it up after. But, the way he hems and haws about it and I can see it makes him anxious made me realize the issue is not about doing something for me but breaking his routine. He does so many thoughtful and loving considerate things for me on a regular basis that I do not believe for a minute his resistance is because he is lazy or selfish. I think it is something beyond his control.

    Just recently I had a meeting cancelled and was stuck in town for a couple hours over dinner time waiting for another meeting. I called him to see if he wanted to meet me for dinner. First it was silence, then “I need to go to the gym,” then “well if you need me to” then “I’m really not feeling like it.” I caught his hesitation and said, “no worries, just wanted to see if you wanted to change it up a bit and hang out in town week night.” An hour later he called back and said “still looking for someone to have dinner with? I can come eat with you, then let the dog out then go to the gym.” And he was perfectly happy. If I had guilt tripped him into it on the first call he would have done it but acted miserable all night while swearing that “nothing was wrong.”

    Is this part of OCD? When does it become an issue? Any tips on being a good spouse to someone with this type of OCD besides understanding it is not easy for them to break a routine?

    • Anon

      I don’t really have any tips on being a good spouse for this, but I will be interested in the replies because this sounds so much like my pre-school aged son! He is so sweet and helpful, but really has to be prepared for changes in his routine and even then, they are still upsetting sometimes. I hope my son’s future partner is as understanding as you (from what it sounds like here!)

      • OCD question

        Upon further googling, this sounds more like OCPD to me which I didn’t even know was a thing! Anon, it has certainly caused some fights with us but that was before he started articulating better that what bothers him even if he can’t tell me why it bothers him. Once I recognized that it “wasn’t about me” and was something inside him it was so much easier to deal with. It wasn’t an “if you loved me you would . . .” situation. I actually think if it is OCPD, just reading about it will help him a ton to understand himself. I’m not trying to make him change it, just so we can both avoid triggering it while living a normal life.

    • anonlaw

      Am I your husband?

      Putting myself in his (lined-up, polished, tied even when you’re not wearing them) shoes, here is what I can tell you.

      1. Re: cat litter – Asking a germophobe to touch the outside of a box where an animal p**ps is, to me, so extreme. I am literally getting hives thinking about having to do something like this. I would have responded exactly as he did, probably more likely with a full-body shower. Basically what I’m saying is that I view the litterbox as beyond just “something gross,” so I see his reaction as proportionate there.

      2. Re: routine changes – My husband is, thankfully, so observant of my need to keep a plan so he rarely asks for something to happen (like an item pickup) that same day. In a situation like this, my response would probably be to schedule 15 minutes for myself a few days from now to deviate from work-to-gym to pick it up. You’re 100% right that it’s about control here, and nothing about not wanting to do you a favor.

      3. Re: changing his mind about dinner – I can probably transcribe the conversation he had with himself in the time between those two phone calls. He loves you, he wants to spend time with you, he wants to have dinner with you, he wants to be a normal person who can accept a completely reasonable suggestion of spontaneity, but it’s a change to his plan for the day and that is HARD. For me, I need to talk that out to myself, and it takes some minutes. When he does this, he has thought a lot about it and decided this is what he wants to do. Be appreciative of it (which it certainly sounds like you are) and let there be a positive reward. It will make those internal conversations easier and maybe even shorter in the future.

      It is part of OCD, and it’s an issue when the two of you decide that it’s affecting your lives. To be honest, you sound like you are both functioning pretty well in this space. Let him talk it out if he needs to, understand that he might need that time between phone calls to convince himself that this deviation from his plan is worth it. Also understand that his need to talk through that is no reflection on his love for you. Same with the litterbox issue. He is trying so hard (at least that is how it sounds to me). Really, you are already light years ahead of many people in your situation. Talk talk talk. Hug. You are good.

      • OCD Question

        Thank you so much for your reply. Linking his desire for structure and routine to OCPD is so incredibly eye opening. I have read your reply like ten times. I get it now. I so appreciate how much he has changed too and realize how hard it must have been. I am going to react differently to so many little “slights” now and realize they are not slights at all. I’m so excited at how much minor conflict I can avoid by knowing this and changing some of my own behaviors. I’m actually ADD (diagnosed and medicated) so we are pretty much on opposite spectrums of the DSM V. Apparently opposites attract!

        We talked about it a little tonight. He didn’t disagree but also isn’t really comfortable with officially labeling himself with a diagnosis. He was a little bothered by the idea that I would accept things about him because of a diagnosis rather that just “because that is how he likes to do things.” I tried to explain that I have obviously accepted him either way because we have been together almost 15 years. I just won’t take certain things personally now when I would have before. He still didn’t seem to understand why I previously took some things personally – they of course seemed totally reasonable to him. He also doesn’t want me putting up with stuff I wouldn’t put up with otherwise. In his words “don’t let me be a jerk though.” A lot of things he changed in our past he changed after I pointed out what he was doing and how it impacted me and others. He still wants me (when necessary) to do that. He understands that I’m not trying to generally change his behavior or send him to therapy or anything.

        • Ciao, pues

          I don’t think this is what you are saying necessarily, but I would caution against “officially labeling him[] with a diagnosis” without consulting a medical professional. Only a trained therapist can make this diagnosis and while internet research and hearing personal stories from others who have been diagnosed or whose loved ones have been diagnosed is useful for developing your own thoughts or plan of action, it is no substitute for a medical diagnosis.

          You sound like you are being very thoughtful and kind about this! It sounds like he is averse to therapy, but it may help him understand his own behaviors and how they affect those around him, rather than leaving it to you to call him out.

    • prof on a bike

      This sounds more like anxiety than like OCD to me (which tends to have a bit more of a ritualistic pattern to it), but the two are certainly linked since the rituals in OCD are done to ease some source of anxiety. It might help to try to figure out exactly what’s going through his head that makes these activities difficult for them — is it germs specifically, and are these fears only linked to particular settings or objects (like the litter box)? When you ask him to change plans, what are the things that he feels like he needs to work out before he can comfortably say yes? Asking some questions along those lines might help identify triggers and recurring thought patterns that are a source of anxiety. These are also things that can definitely be treated with therapy and/or medication, if he’s open to either of those things. And finally, as a person who has anxiety issues myself, one of the most helpful things my partner does for me is to not trivialize the anxiety that I’m feeling or the specific (and often really ludicrous) thing that I’m having a hard time getting past. Without that support, it’s hard to even say out loud what’s going through your head, and identifying the unhelpful thoughts it really necessary to be able to work on them.

    • Anonymous

      Yes- I think. My fiancé has had a growing anxiety problem this year and the hand washing has become very extreme. I’m interested to see the responses- it had been a tough year.

    • NYNY

      My husband has OCD (not OCPD), and his behaviors are very similar to what you describe. When our dog was alive, he had a hard time walking him alone, because even with a plastic bag, cleaning up poop was horrifying to him. He also has difficulty with sudden changes to plans or routines. You didn’t mention this, but DH has a really hard time leaving the apartment, because he has to keep checking if the lights are off, the stove is off, he has his keys, the door is really locked, etc.

      I find that his symptoms are worst when he’s under stress, and they ease up somewhat when the stress level goes down. Has your husband been particularly stressed lately? It could be a factor.

      DH got over the poop thing somewhat because he really came to love the dog. If we were walking him together, I was always on poop duty, but DH’s ability to do it alone improved vastly over time. Your current situation sounds like he needs to be aware of your needs a little more: You know he can’t handle the litter box, and you always do it, but while you recover from the injury you need his help. If you can gently discuss this, it may make it easier.

    • anon for this

      I may have had OCD as a child, but I was never diagnosed. I had a series of checks that I needed to do before bed, and I think this was more than a normal bedtime routine once it turned into 45+ minutes each night of making sure all of the things on the dresser were where they belonged and all the stuffed animals on my bed were in the right place. I also would wash my hands a lot, but it was the nighttime checks I remember the most. I am honestly not sure how I got out of it, but it was exhausting me. I could not go to sleep until I had gone through this elaborate routine, and I decided I just could not anymore.

      I am conscious now of this tendency that I have and do not let myself get back into it. I used to touch things to make sure they were as they should be, because I was worried I was seeing wrong. Now, if I want to check to make sure the door is locked, I turn on the light and look at it, I don’t let myself touch the lock (and don’t need to do it multiple times).

      Sorry, I don’t know if any of this is helpful. But know that if your husband is thinking about it in the same way, he doesn’t want to be controlled by his compulsions and probably recognizes the effect it has on his life.

  18. preg 3L

    I’ve been dealing with some terrible back pain the last few weeks and I just received an Upsie Belly Belt. So far (5 minutes in), I think it helps but I can’t really be sure. Has anyone else gotten one and has it helped? Thanks!

    • Ciao, pues

      I’m 34 weeks and started wearing a Gabrialla Maternity Belt last week, which is similar. My pain had been concentrated in my center pelvis, and when I started wearing the belt the pain almost immediately spread to my hips. It sounds like a bad result, but it has actually been much more bearable! I wear it almost all the time when I’m going to be on my feet for long stretches (commuting, making dinner, washing dishes, grocery shopping, going on walks), and remove it when I’m sitting or lying down. In just a little over a week, I think it’s helped significantly and the pain in my pelvis and hips has reduced.

  19. Dubai?

    Are there any ‘rettes in Dubai, or if not living there, spend quite a bit of time there?

    My SO was recently offered a transfer to his company’s Dubai office, and we are trying to sort out fact-from-fiction when it comes to information about living and working there. Any insight? Any good resources we should look at?

    If we decided to do it, we would be moving there from the US for a period of at least five years (if not longer), and it would mean a job search for me, so I’d be particularly interested in any information about the job market there, particularly for legal positions.

    Thanks in advance!

    • S

      My parents moved there when I was in middle school, so I lived and went to school there for a few years. These last few years I’m in the US but have visited my parents a few times.
      I don’t have very up to date info and have not worked there myself, but can give you background if it helps. Feel free to email me at appstuff at the email provided by yahoo.

    • In Rem

      My husband lived there temporarily about 10 years ago — I wasn’t with him, but benefited from the shopping anyway. He brought me back beautiful gold jewelry and my favorite, super-soft pashmina shawl, which I can’t replicate here at any price point, though he says it was just from an ordinary shopping place. It sounded like foreigners do almost all the work there, so I hope you’ll be able to find a job. His friends were mainly British, so perhaps check out British firms?

    • Anonymous

      Dubai is very westernized and foreigners do all the work there. Our big oil company has zero locals.

  20. Cat Question

    Hi all-

    So I just moved to a new city for a new job a couple of months ago and am so lonely. I’ve joined a dodgeball team, play trivia each week and do a lot of events outside of work with my co-workers as a way of meeting new people. However I still feel like I don’t have any real friends yet (obviously this takes time, which is okay). I’m thinking seriously about adopting a cat to have as a companion but my apartment charges a $500 non-refundable pet fee as well as an extra $50 a month pet rent (I think this is pretty steep). Since my rent is already more than I’d like to be paying, this bit of information is throwing a wrench in my plans. So what I’d love to know from you lovely ladies is:

    1) Should I just get the cat anyways and “sneak it in” aka not tell the apartment complex management? It’s a pretty big apartment and it’s managed by a company, not a single landlord.

    2) Get the cat and pay the fees, because having a pet is worth the extra money it takes to take care of them

    3) Don’t get the cat, do ____ (fill in the blank) instead.

    Any suggestions/ advice is appreciated. I don’t know what to do, I’d love to give a cat a home, but those costs seem like a lot (and it doesn’t even count vet bills/ food/ other items, which I’m willing to pay, it’s just the apartment stuff seems gratuitous). Thanks!

    • Anon

      (1) No.

      (2) Yes. But I love cats so I am biased.

      (3) It sounds like you are doing all the right things – it just takes time (as you know).

      Also, depending on your city, those fees (esp for large, managed complexes) sound normal. I think my complex charged between $350 and $500 in non-ref fee (no pet rent, but recent new management does charge pet rent – however, we’re grandfathered).

    • L

      you can but they’ll find out and charge you anyways. Those costs are high, but are unfortunately typical (at least here in DC). Instead of adopting, maybe volunteer with an animal rescue? You get animal love, plus friends!

      • Ashleigh

        I agree with this. Getting a cat [or any animal really] if you’re lonely is not a good idea. Volunteering at an animal shelter lets you spend a lot of time with animals for companionship and allows you to get to know other volunteers that could potentially become your friends.

        • emeralds

          Disagree with your statement that getting a cat/pet to help with loneliness is not a good idea. I adopted my dog in the second year of living in a tiny, lonely rural town for work, because I just could no longer face coming home to an empty house with no plans every. single. day. I mean, honestly, as long as you’re committed to taking care of the pet in question, I really can’t think of a better reason to adopt an animal than wanting love and companionship.

    • Bonnie

      I had a cat in school and snuck it in without paying the additional fees. I knew it was only going to be for a few months so thought I could feign ignorance. It is nice to come home to a living creature.

    • preg 3L

      Do you like cats? Why not start with a fish or a hamster? I don’t mean to be mean, but a cat will be a pretty big expense and you really can’t give it back if you don’t like it. Also, be mindful that any future partners will have to like cats too (my DH is not as fond of cats as I am, so I’m glad I didn’t have one when we met).

        • Anonymous

          some cats dont snuggle though. It sounds like what the OP actually needs is human interaction

          • emeralds

            She can find a cat that snuggles very easily, by asking the volunteers at her local shelter–they’ll know. I really don’t understand all the pushback here–I mean, yes, it’s justified to be concerned about taking on the expense and responsibility of a pet, but saying someone shouldn’t get a cat because a future potential SO might not like cats? Or because the OP also is struggling (understandably) with creating a social life in her new city? Really now.

    • zora

      First: Pet rent is EVIL. I fing hate it. Rawr.

      Secondly: my short term solution to this has been to foster kitties for the local rescue organization. I haven’t told my landlords, my plan if I’m ever ‘caught’ is to say this is an emergency situation just for a couple of days. I do plan to actually disclose and pay the (stupid) rent and adopt permanently when I can afford it. But cats are also expensive on top of those fees and the (evil and stupid) rent. So, this feels a lot more responsible for now, and yet I still get cuddly, silly cuddlemonsters to keep me company.

      • Sparrow

        I would LOVE to foster kitties, but unfortunately 2 of my 3 cats are very sensitive to changes in the environment. They get stressed, which usually results in cystitis and peeing outside the box. If I ever win the lottery I decided I want a separate Foster Kitty wing for my mansion.

      • Aon

        I’m kind of baffled at everyone saying cats are expensive as pets. I’ve had dogs in the past, and I’ve had my two cats for a long time (one is 14, one is 10, I’ve had them since kittens) and the cats are WAY cheaper than the dogs. Any pet is expensive if it gets sick, but $30 a month in food and $20 in cat litter…
        Shots periodically at the vet. They don’t go outside so they don’t get injured, and unlike dogs they don’t eat random inanimate objects so no X-rays or stomach pumping (DOGS, LOL)
        What are your cats doing that they are so expensive?

        • rosie

          I am a dog person, and I know dogs are typically more expensive, but there’s also monthly preventative meds, wellness trips to the vet, emergency visits to the vet, and pet sitter when we are on vacation. Cats may be cheaper, but adding $50/month at minimum isn’t nothing.

      • Anon

        Totally agree! Pet rent is ridiculous. I’m ok with paying a slightly elevated pet deposit but will never lease in a building that charges pet rent. I have two middle-aged cats and neither of them have ever destroyed anything or created any additional damage beyond completely normal wear and tear. I would venture to say that my friends with small children have inflicted much more damage to their apartments than my pets ever have!

        • emeralds

          Yay for another (non-Northern…not trying to hate on the NOVA crew but y’all have a really different situation) Virginian :) I’d be your friend but I’m not in the Tidewater area.

    • Wildkitten

      A lot of people do (1). You might want to put money in savings so that if the kitten is discovered you’re prepared to pay, and then consider yourself lucky if she’s not.

    • Anonymous

      Those fees are pretty typical for DC. One place I just had to pay $500 deposit no pet rent, right now I pay $30/month for my dog. But if you live somewhere for a while that pet rent really adds up. Maybe wait until you can move?

    • Sparrow

      If you are planning on staying in the apartment long-term, I would go ahead and pay the deposit and pet rent. Check to see if there are any low-cost vet clinics in your area to help offset the cost of any medical expenses.

      We are living in an apartment temporarily while our house is being built and we have three cats. $300 non-refundable deposit and $20 per pet each month, so it’s not as expensive. As per the rules we are only supposed to have two cats, but we’re only here for six months so we “snuck” in our third one.

    • Moonstone

      I love cats like crazy and find them very comforting (even when they freak out and run around the house like evil spirits possess them). BUT my sister got evicted for sneaking a cat in to her apartment. She had two days to move in February in Chicago. So, the consequences can be more than financial.

    • PinkKeyboard

      1. My friend sneaked her cat (and got an additional cat) when she moved in with her boyfriend (now husband) in his apartment… no one noticed and they saved the $$. We have 4 cats and our landlord thinks we have 3… they ripped up our dining room floor and are none the wiser. We rent a house so this is less crazy then it sounds.
      2. If you are risk averse/will stress a lot I would just pay the $$ and enjoy the company. Even living near friends with a husband it’s still so nice to have kitties to cuddle. Just spend some time at the shelter holding and cuddling the different cats.. some are snuggles and some are NOT.

      • Anonymous

        This is why there is pet rent though — pets can destroy things that normal deposits might not cover. Also, with pets, landlords often need to replace carpets and do other things to get rid of pet smells after the tenant moves out that wouldn’t need to be otherwise done for (non smoking) tenants.

        • Anonymous

          I think she meant her landlords ripped up the dining room floor, not the cats; and that they still didn’t notice they had 4 cats not 3. (which, really, after 3, does it matter? lol)

          I also think it really depends on your animals. My cats have never gone to the bathroom anywhere but in the box. Ever. I know many people’s cats and dogs do (I’ve smelled it!), but you can’t generalize that extra cleaning will be needed. I’m fine with additional deposits, but I have always resented non-refundable pet deposits because the landlord isn’t going to have to do anything extra when I move out.

          • S in Chicago

            Even the best behaved can get a UTI that triggers them to avoid the box. Happened twice to me so suspect it can’t be uncommon. One instance required tearing up the Pergo floor. Pay the fee.

        • PinkKeyboard

          I meant the landlord took up the floor… the plumbinb was done incorrectly and our kitchen sink/dishwasher were draining into the yard. The cats definitely didn’t rip up a floor!

  21. Brooklyn Paralegal

    Wow, I haven’t been on here in a super long time! I hope everyone is doing well! In the next two weeks, I will cease to be Brooklyn Paralegal and will instead be Chicago Field Organizer!

    The organization I’ll be working with is really fantastic and has expressed their interest in making the transition as easy for me as possible. They’re respecting my timeline (moving after the new year in the first or second week of January), and are setting up temporary housing for me while I find an apartment. That being said, it’s still really nerve-wracking. I’m young and haven’t lived in any city other than New York before.

    I would love some words of wisdom or advice from any other ladies that have shipped cross-country before…this is a big step for me, and I’m excited but also scared/sad about leaving my family and all my friends on the east coast.

    • Wildkitten

      Chicago is amazing. Chicago is Jan/Feb/Mar is COLD. So, be prepared that the City will be a lot better in May.

    • backgrounder

      I transferred with my job from NYC->CHi but part of my impetus was moving was to be closer to family (so sort of reverse situation to yours). Some quick thoughts –

      -Like Wildkitten said Chi is amazing…in the spring, summer and fall :) City sort of shuts down in winter with people burrowing in for the long winter. As soon as it gets warm – BAM- people are back out enjoying the weather. Summer is great…outdoor music festivals, lots of green space, outdoor/ events, the lake, etc.

      -I would determine what sort of neighborhood you want to live in. Nothing really compares apples to apples from NYC neighborhoods to Chi (e.g. UWS is similar to Lincoln Park, River North similar to Meatpacking, etc) but I would visit a couple neighborhoods and see what sort of vibe you get. A lot of Chicago is neighborhood-centric and some areas aren’t easily accessible by CTA/El/Metra as it is in NYC (where you can, literally, get everywhere (except LGA?) by subway)

      – Be prepared for reverse sticker shock! Housing, while not cheap, is a helluva lot cheaper than NYC! You can get a lot more for your money depending on what nabe you choose.

      Oh, and get a ‘real’ winter coat. I had to switch out my wool coat which was perfectly serviceable in NYC for the ubiquitous big a**, puffy, down comforter North Face coat.

      And welcome to the city! I love Chicago :)

    • Otter

      Hey BP – good luck to you! This sounds like an exciting opportunity. I am also an NYC resident but have moved A LOT. The first thing I would say is to take it slow. Don’t expect to feel normal/at home/have friends/be comfortable for basically a year. It takes that long to get to know a place. Second, I highly recommend doing things you would do in NYC in your new city to feel comfortable (in what areas this makes sense). Take the time to communicate regularly with people at home. Share the moving process with them so the transition isn’t so lonely (I just found a dry cleaner, finally unpacked all my boxes, etc). And most importantly, set a time to travel back in the next few months. It will help ease the transition.

      • prof on a bike

        Definitely agree with this advice, it can feel at first like the new city is just not as good as where you were before while you’re still getting settled, and it takes a surprisingly long time for everything to feel like it’s in place (I’d say about a year for me as well). I also find it kind of exhausting to deal with daily things in the first few months because you have to make so many little daily decisions that were just routine in your previous city, so give yourself extra mental space and energy for this. I distinctly remember staring at the jam selection in the grocery store of a new city, and feeling completely overwhelmed because they had dozens of jams (but not the one I typically bought), and I just couldn’t decide what my new jam should be! Completely silly, but I find that the weight of many of these little decisions adds up.

    • hellskitchen

      I know exactly how you feel… I just made this move from NYC to CHI a couple of months ago. I def miss new york like crazy, esp all the conveniences like seamless, bodegas on every corner, subway etc. But I am beginning to appreciate chicago – it is clean, beautiful and oh so spacious! Winter here feels especially glum because it gets dark at 5 and the cold winds are brutal. But there’s still lots to do. I suggest activating your network and asking friends to connect you to people they know here. Then set up coffee or drinks dates for your first couple of weeks in town. Do this before you move here and it will give you something to look forward to.

    • a passion for fashion

      I made this move 7 years ago. It took my a while to get over New York, but I love Chicago now (except the length of the winter — it’s 9 degrees right now). There is a lot to love about Chicago and I think its a much easier city to navigate on a number of different levels.

    • anonychi

      Congrats, you are moving to a great city! If you have any Chicago-specific questions, ask away!

  22. ANON

    Really need help!
    First off, I want to thank all of you on corporette as your comments have really inspired me and given me much needed advice when it comes to interviews, dress code, etc. Being a first generation student, it is really hard to navigate these waters. And when faced with this new scenario, I have no idea what to do.

    I am an undergrad, but have just received two internship offers and have no idea on how to proceed. One is a non-profit, unpaid but prestigious and I am required to be there for X amount of hours. I accepted since I had no other internship offers. Well, I was just contacted by Y federal agency about an internship I had applied and interviewed for. Apparently, I was supposed to find out a week ago, but since I wasn’t, I figured nothing came of it . I was offered the internship! It is paid, but it is only 3 months long. And has other benefits. These two internships starts at the same time!

    For more information, I am a senior in a soft social science field and will graduate next spring. I only have to take two classes and planned to use the non-profit internship as credit and now I feel off balance. After being rejected for months only to find myself in this position is new to me. I have no idea what to do. And honestly, don’t know what to do after I graduate college. I would like to work for the government or international development and these two internships will help with that, but what now? I can’t split myself in two, although I wished I could.

    Would welcome any advice! And sorry about any typos and grammar mistakes, I am just so stunned right now.

    • Wildkitten

      You might want to talk to your university career center, since you can tell them the specifics and they’ll know the etiquette.

    • Wildkitten

      Oh and CONGRATULATIONS! Two internship offers – one prestigious and one paid? Good work!

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      Is there any way to do both? Could you do the unpaid one during the school year for credit, and the agency paid one during the summer for money? It would double the exposure you get as you round the corner into your first post-college job, giving you twice as many experiences, twice as many people to call later for advice and guidance (see “how to make yourself a mentor”), twice as many potential references etc.

      So long as you don’t think there is a risk that either offer would be rescinded for disclosing your dilemma, it might make sense to talk to someone at both places to see whether you could make something work.

      If you must choose, select the one that will open the greatest number of doors for you later.

    • ER

      I would take the unpaid non-profit internship. First, it’s prestigious, and unless the govt would be paying you a lot, it’s probably worth the prestigious name on your resume when you’re job-hunting in a few months. You’re really not giving up that much money. Second, you could be burning some bridges by accepting an offer and subsequently reneging on it.

      Since you don’t know what you’re doing after you graduate, could you try to move the government internship to the summer?

  23. Batgirl

    If anyone’s up for a shopping challenge, I’m looking for a pair of ankle boots that are 1) basically flat (no more than a 1″ heel), 2) aren’t frumpy, 3) but are comfy, and 4) go with both skirts and skinny jeans, and 5) appropriate for a really casual office.

    PLEASE? I’m the worst at this! :)

    • Aloha

      I just got some Sam Edelman suede booties at Bloomies (saw the same ones in a different color at TJ. Max last week) and can’t stop wearing them. I wear with shorts to the store , skirts to the mall, and skinny jeans to work on Fridays (today).

  24. NOLA

    Okay, so much for my drama this morning about what to wear to tonight’s party! I totally forgot that I had ordered a red pencil skirt last week. It came today – waiting for me on the porch when I got home. And it will be perfect for the party. And the temp will drop 20 degrees by party time.

  25. Anon

    I was given a job offer this week for an incredible opportunity (objectively) that was not right for me for a number of reasons (including that while my future boss is well-liked and admired, I personally did not hit it off with him). It was the kind of ridiculously prestigious/amazing opportunity that no one else (or almost no one else) in my field would reject, and would be crazy happy to receive. I agonized over the decision in the short time frame that I was given to respond, but I ended up turning it down. I spoke with two mentors and many close friends in the course of the few days that I was deciding, and almost everyone’s advice was that when this comes along, you DO IT, how are you even thinking about it, SAY YES. I had two close friends and my family help me figure out what was right for me, and they are the only ones who see/understand the reasons I said no. I know (really, really know) that it was the right decision for me, but now I feel a little… I don’t know… shaken by the whole thing. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, just support, I guess? Reassurance it was okay to say no and that it will be okay that I said no and this doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a fantastic/successful/awesome career that doesn’t involve this job?

    • Anon

      (Same poster) I should add that I am so, so grateful that I had this opportunity in the first place and I know that I am really lucky. I am not trying to brag in expressing how great the job is, just trying to explain why this is such a weird feeling. I can’t shake the feeling that I did something “wrong.” Even though I know that it was right for me, I feel like I somehow effed up my life by saying no. Like these things don’t come around that often if ever in life and now I blew my lucky shot at something and who knows what other opportunities it could have led to and why did I pick the “easier” route instead of taking this chance and and…

      • Wildkitten

        If your gut isn’t excited before you even start the job, you know yourself best and you made the right decision for yourself. You should consider why you didn’t hit it off with the new boss, and what is so magical about that job, and what you want from your life, but don’t feel bad for listening to your gut.

      • Avodah

        Not sure if you’re still reading the weekend thread. I have made one major career mistake and one really, really great choice.
        1.) Mistake: I did not “click” with a boss and took the job anyway. She turned out to be a nasty, nasty human and it damaged my self-esteem horribly. It took a few years and a fancy schmancy graduate degree to win that back.
        2.)Great choice: Turning down phase II of said fancy schmancy degree. It didn’t feel right. I, technically, chose an “easier” route, and I do not regret it for a second.

        Listen to your gut!

    • espresso bean

      I was in this situation years ago. People thought I was crazy for turning down a big-name job, but in my gut, I knew it wasn’t the right fit. I didn’t click with the person who would be my boss, and something about the culture felt off to me. Although it was hard to explain my reasons to people, in time, I realized that only I can live my life the way I see fit. It was the right decision because it was the decision I made, period.

      Anyway, I think your feelings are normal, and you absolutely will go on to have a fabulous career. In fact, it’s even more on the right track now that you know how to say no to opportunities that aren’t quite the right fit (many people never learn how to do that).

    • Monday

      Are you in academics by any chance? Not that I have any hunch about who you are or what this was, but I just feel like I recognize the subtext of your story. If so I could go on with more specific feedback that might be consoling. Certainly no need to answer if you feel uncomfortable doing so.

    • Anon

      I had this kind of decision to make with grad school (accepted to one place that was a really great fit and ideal for me in every way, that had a good reputation, and another that was the exact opposite, and was INCREDIBLY PRESTIGIOUS). I went with the prestigious one and dropped out miserable at one year. Nothing is the perfect opportunity if it’s not the one YOU WANT.

  26. Help Needed

    What’s the proper response here? I recently met with a professor from my school seeking guidance in transitioning from my current position with a govt agency to private practice. He was nice enough to do a virtual introduction to someone in the field I am trying to transition into and forwarded my resume, with a CC to me. That person then replied to both of us basically saying “Professor, so nice to hear from you, let’s get coffee soon; Help Needed, I’d be happy to meet with you at some point when I am back from vacation.”

    What do I write back? Do I include the professor on the email? Should I also write a separate email to professor saying something like, “Thanks again for the intro to X”? I’ve been out of the job seeking field for a few years and have forgotten the protocols. Please help me compose my reply!!!!

    • Pesh

      Separate responses.

      Send an email to the Prof thanking him for meeting with you and making the virtual intro.

      Send an email to the contact saying “Thanks so much, NAME, that would be great. Let’s touch base when you’re back in town, enjoy your vacation.” If you don’t hear from him in a few weeks, I think you can send a short follow-up email.

  27. T. McGill

    So I’ve been working like a beast due to typical year-end demands, and while I am slaving away at the office, my husband has been really great about picking up the slack at home, particularly with our little one. Once things calm down in January, I’d like to get him something to thank him for all his support during this crazy time. I’m thinking couples massage, something we both need, and something we enjoy doing together (which will be nice since we will be seeing very little of each other this month). Any recommendations for a day spa in NYC/Brooklyn/Queens? I am less concerned about the spa part (sauna, etc.) and more focused on a good/reasonably priced massage. TIA and back to work!

    • Pesh

      Try looking at spas on Yelp? That way you get more than one person’s opinion on a place.

    • AIMS

      Check out Juvenex on 32nd st. You can probably find something cheaper if you’re looking for just a massage but this place is great if you want to have a few hours to steam and relax, too. You could make a whole evening of it – pamper yourselves and then get some korean bbq down the block.

  28. Anon

    I’m pregnant and due in January, and I want to get something for my husband that will commemorate the birth. I’d like it to be something I can give him the day of or shortly after, and we are going to be surprised on gender so I can’t do a name/date thing. I was thinking of seeing if a vendor on Etsy can make cufflinks with the ultrasound picture in them, but then I wondered whether it would be weird to see a guy at work with sonogram cufflinks (he would only wear them at work).

    Any thoughts or other suggestions would be welcome! I guess I’d be comfortable around $200 or less, so probably not a big fancy watch, but I could be swayed by the right idea.

    • Mpls

      If you want to do cufflinks, you could use the birthstone of the baby – you might even be able to get them made in advance, if you have a mid month due date (and won’t go into the next month if the baby is a couple weeks late).

      Or…you could just get him a baby. That seems like a pretty big deal.

    • Boston 2L

      What about a picture frame of the sonogram (and maybe some baby things) that you can later put a picture of you/the newborn in? Something like this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/111365977/beer-photo-frame?ref=shop_home_active (I know she makes these with non-beer stuff as well. She makes all of her stuff with non-beer themes, this site is just focused on beer label coasters and such.) I think that would be nice.

      Obviously you are looking for a much higher price range than that, but I have no other ideas. I’m not a big fan of birth stones, but if he knows/thinks of them, that would be nice.

    • ss

      Good article, thanks for posting.

      Many of my banking peers have this kind of partnership with their stay-at-home hubbies (most of the others have 2-career households, no kids, myself included). The writers get many aspects which ring absolutely true – the ‘figuring it out as we go’ between the couple and their family, employers/ bosses quickly getting on board with the productivity-enhancing benefits of their female employees’ domestic arrangements, the awkwardness which arises when these guys are dragged reluctantly to events with their wives’ colleagues and so on.

      I really like that the article sidesteps most of the usual hand-wringing over (the lack of) women in finance, and instead just gets on with describing how the existing ones make it work.

    • preg 3L

      It just bums me out that the article seems to say “don’t worry ladies – you can make this work as long as you have a stay at home spouse!” I mean maybe that’s the reality of having kids, but I find it hard to believe that’s the only (or best) way to make a family work.

      • AEK

        At my former biglaw firm, almost all the litigation partners whose backgrounds I knew fit this model, whether they were men or women—they had SAH wives / partners or in a couple cases the partner worked at home or was otherwise flexible. Only exception were women partners who worked “part-time” (no men did) which I put in quotes because their actual work was hardly reduced.

        • AEK

          just realized I used “partner” to mean two different things there. None of our lawyer-partners were working at home (full time); I meant their SOs might be.

          • preg 3L

            I followed. I just don’t have (and don’t want) a DH who’s ready/willing/interested in becoming a stay-at-home spouse, and I don’t want to be told that will prevent me from having a successful career.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        Not true at all at my biglaw firm — there are some men who have SAH wives, but the women partners, who work full-time, all have high-powered husbands as well (e.g., partner at another firm, partner at the same firm, founded tech-start-up, etc.) Most of these women have children, although all of them had kids after they became partner, so that is another story. Not sure if this is a bad idea for other reasons, but they seem happy.

  31. Boston 2L

    I haven’t been around (law school exams time), but I got an email that Ann Taylor is having a 50% the entire order. Deal is from now until 10am. Online only.

    Thought some may be interested! I still can’t afford much (and don’t need anything).

  32. Mysteria

    Corporettes, I have an interview/”meeting for a talk” dilemma, and I hope you can help!

    I’m in a town that is “the big city” for our area. A burgeoning company here advertised for a position that I thought was a good fit. I sent them my resume and heard…nothing…for a month. Then, they rewrote their ad and informed me that I was declined. In one of life’s coincidences (this big city is not so big) I ran into 3/4 of the team I’d be working with at a professional event the evening I was declined, and we hit it off and discussed solutions to their challenges, mentioning that I’d been declined for the position. The next day, oddly, the company rewrote the ad AGAIN. Piqued, I sent a follow-up email, which was politely received. This was followed by a phone call with the most grudging request for an interview ever. “Your resume doesn’t have X in it…but…are you available to talk?” I am planning to join them for this “talk” this week, but I am having ambivalence. Would you follow through on this? It truly is an unusual opportunity for this area. The HR gatekeeper is young, and hasn’t been communicating much with the team in question.

    Also, should I or shouldn’t I wear glasses to the (tech/semi-managerial) interview?? All of my glasses are quirky (cats-eyes, dragonfly-wing earpieces, etc.) except for one very dull pair.

  33. newlayer

    I’m a new associate at a large firm and am looking for tips on staying organized. I generally consider myself a very organized person, but have been struggling these past few months. I work with so many different people on various tasks. I was wondering what people’s systems are for keeping track of assignments, emails you need to get back to, bosses you need to discuss something with, etc. Thanks!

    • ExcelNinja

      Hey newlayer (newlawyer?) :)

      You should re-post on a more recent thread tomorrow morning. Threads die quickly around here.

      Personally, I fully utilise my outlook calendar. I schedule 30 minutes each morning to catch up on/organize email, and then if an email needs a particularly time-intensive reply I’ll schedule time on my calendar to do so. For task work, same thing, time goes on my calendar to work on Project X.

      It’s pretty stunning how little time you have left in the day once you schedule work items and things like commute time, family time, yoga, etc on your calendar, but doing so helps me stay organized, remember what my priorities are, and remember to say no to things if I don’t have time for them.

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