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Weekend Open Thread

Striped Heel: Stuart Weitzman 'Nudistsong' Ankle Strap Sandal Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I am sorry to report that the dark purple Nudistsong heels on Nordstrom's homepage are (sob) no longer in stock, at least not anywhere I can find. But they do have a bunch of other colors, including these gorgeous kinda-stripey kinda-shiney shoes. Considering the rest of the sandal is so minimalist (and, let's face it, not a “just popping out for brunch” sandal), I think it works. I want. The pictured shoes are $435, but they come in a bunch of other colors in prices ranging from $398 to $435. (The Nudist heel is the original bestseller; the Nudistsong is a slightly lower 4″ version.) Stuart Weitzman ‘Nudistsong' Ankle Strap Sandal These $79 Steve Madden sandals are very similar and highly rated. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

192 Comments

  1. Does anyone have a good bra recommendation? I’m relatively small (32B) but on all the bras I have that fit, the cups seem to be too low so I’m kinda spilling out of them. Any suggestions would be great! Or does this mean they’re too small?

    1. Are the cups “demi” shaped? If so, maybe try a full coverage one? If not…maybe a component of your size is wrong and you just don’t notice (like they say almost all women are wearing the wrong size…).It’s worth going into a dressing room and just trying on a ton of different bras in different but related sizes, you may be surprised by the results.

      1. I did this. I have worn a 34B and 34C, and it turns out I’m really a 32DD. I don’t know how I didn’t notice I was wearing the wrong size. My bras fit like a dream now.

    2. I know that you think you are a 32B, but check out abrathatfits, measure according to their instructions and enter the data into their bra calculator. You may be surprised to find that going to a completely different size will solve your problem. I had always worn a 34DDD/36DD. After using that, I ordered a bunch of 32H bras online and immediately found 4 different styles that fit better than anything I had been wearing.

      2. Seconding this! Getting a bra that actually works is world-altering.

        Sincerely, thought I was a 36DD, actually measure a 32F.

      3. Yes, find out your real bra size! Many stores don’t carry band sizes smaller than 32 or maaaybe 30, so they’ll just size you to what’s available. When I sized myself, I ended up needing to go down to a 28 band with a larger cup size. I’m so much more comfortable now.

    3. I’m small (in the A’s) and I did a fitting at Nordstrom to confirm my correct size. I let them sell me an (overpriced) bra. Then I buy the rest at Marshall’s in the correct size. Calvin Klein does well with smaller sizes for me.

    4. aerie Sunnie lightly lined fit. I thought I was 32B but 30C actually fits perfectly there.

  2. Happy Weekend!

    Can we share things that made us very happy even though we didn’t expect it?

    I was talking to a friend who is selling her house and had a number of competing offers. She chose one (based on the terms) that happened to come with a cover letter and picture of the family. She’s relieved to close the sale but is also very happy for the family. I sold my house a few months ago and had a similar feeling of joyfulness for the couple that I sold the house to. I was so happy for them to finally have a house!

    1. I’m dieting and one of my friends jumped on a plan with me – hers is more performance-oriented and she had been talking for a long time about doing something like this, but still requires her to be pretty dedicated to meal prep, tracking her food, etc. I am so proud of her! She seems happy and is making good progress towards her goals, and I love having somebody to be “accountable” to even though we aren’t on the same plan. I sent her a message last night and told her this. :-)

      1. I am also dieting and doing ok! I finally am not ashamed of my body and when my boyfriend said I look good naked, I felt that dieting paid off.

    3. Sigh. My link hit moderation. I’m involved in the story below (anon because it would out me based on my social media activity). It just makes me cry happy tears every time I think about it.

      3. For some reason it’s telling me I’m making a duplicate comment, but that is wonderful.

    4. I found out this week that my friend got a job and is moving to my city. I hadn’t realize how much I’ve been missing her until this week because now I’m smiling wide and having tiny excitement attacks.

    5. My younger sister is visiting, and obviously I’m excited to see her in general but what made me really happy was when we answered a question the same way at the same time. It was like we were never apart :)

    6. I switched to the Dave Ramsey cash envelope method this month, and since I’ve had all my grocery money in cash, I’ve finally felt like I can splurge on fresh cut flowers from TJs. Last week I got some daisies for $5 (still going strong)! and some sunflowers for $3 yesterday. They brighten up my apartment and make me smile.

  3. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and these heels! If ONLEY I could find a sandal that covered my toe’s. For $435, I need my clotheing allowance, and this would NOT pass muster with the manageing partner. FOOEY!

    Myrna is takeing me upstate this weekend to a place her freind’s have in the Catskill’s. She said this is a nice place and I think we were there and the local “townees” all were very interested in Myrna when we went to a local bar. I do NOT think any of them would be marrage material for us, tho. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    I have had digestive issues since Wednesday from eateing some Indian Food. That stuff went right thru me. Is any one else in the HIVE similearly affected? If so, what did you do? I am hopeing I will get over it b/c I like Indian Food!

    Frank has been stareing at me all day. I wonder what is up with that? His wife is comeing in next week, so mabye I can ask her.

    I have to do alot of work this weekend, but will check in with the HIVE from time to time. Until then, happy weekend!!!! YAY!!!!!

  4. I need two different gift recommendations:
    (1) Uncle and his wife just got married at the justice of peace, I was not present and will not be present for their celebratory summer cruise (so sad!). What kind of gift would you recommend? They have an entire household, so I was thinking gift card to a restaurant? Or maybe to the cruise itself?
    (2) 13 year old girl with autism, functions at 8-9 year old level. I don’t have friends with special needs to ask–are there things I need to consider when buying for her? I was thinking a gift card to Justice (all my neighborhood girls love that store) or should I do something else?
    Thanks!

    1. 1. How old? I’m probably your parents’ age and I would be mortified if my nephews felt like they had to give me a gift, especially a gift card. How about sending them a lovely congratulatory card and calling it a day?

      2. Can you ask her mother about this? That’s what I’d do.

      1. 1. 50s–I know I don’t HAVE to, but I WANT to! It’s so happy! If I knew you IRL, you’d get something to, missy!
        2. I don’t know her mother well, but maybe I can reach out and ask.

        1. 1. LOL you are sweet. I suggest maybe an onboard credit for the cruise. Or some cruise lines let you send actual gifts to passengers like a bottle of champagne. I would love that!

          2. I bet the mom would welcome the inquiry. I wouldn’t frame it as “what should I get given her special needs,” but just “I hear Justice is an in place — would she enjoy a gift card from there? Or is there something else she’d especially like?”

          1. A few months into dating my now husband, I went on a cruise with my family and he sent flowers to my cabin. I had no idea you could do that! It was such a nice surprise. I’d totally send them a bottle of champagne or flowers.

          2. +1 to getting them a stateroom credit. They can put that toward the ship’s spa, alcohol, “premium” restaurants or a shore excursion, among many things.

    2. On (2), I would ask the mom what she would enjoy. You could mention that you are thinking of a gift card to Justice. My daughter has a friend with some type of autism spectrum diagnosis, slightly younger than the child you describe, who wears lots of Justice and likes the some of the toys sold there, but I’m not sure how much she would enjoy the shopping aspect of a gift card and I wouldn’t give her one without asking her mom first. With this particular child, I would feel safer giving toys or books featuring characters I know she likes. Because all kids are different, best to ask the mom if you want to be sure the child will have fun with your gift.

    3. 1. A nice bottle of wine or champagne with a note is always appropriate.
      2. As a autistic 13 year old girl, she may not care about clothes or jewelry the same way that other girls do. Do you know if she has other interests, such as reading, science, music? I would recommend a bookstore gift card. S

      2. You don’t have to be autistic to not care about clothes or jewellery. I got sooo many ill suited gifts from aunt and uncle type family members while I was growing up.

    4. 2. My daughter loved Justice when she was 8 or 9, but by the time she was 13, even if she hadn’t gotten past the sparkles and glitter stage, nothing there would have fit. A 13 year old girl won’t be able to find much there.

      2. Agree. My daughter was completely over Justice & similar by the end of grade school. She’s a full on Brandy Melville/Lululemon shopper now at age 14.

        And another commenter had a good point. An autistic child may or may not be into shopping for clothing. I think a bookstore gift card may be a better neutral option if you don’t want to ask the mom

  5. What’s the best way to maintain health insurance between jobs? I’m looking at 5 days between leaving current position and starting new position, but about five weeks before new coverage starts. COBRA, health exchanges, pros/cons? I’m married but we’re outside of open enrollment for my husband’s benefits.

    1. You leaving your job should be a qualifying event that can you on your husband’s coverage, and then you can get off it when you start your new job. That’s what I did in a similar situation. I was only on my husband’s coverage for about 3 months.

    2. COBRA BUT you don’t have to enroll for Cobra day 1. Check your plan but you get something like 60-90 days to enroll for cobra, so even if something happens on day 1, and you enroll on day 56 — they have to cover you for the day 1 event. So hold on to your cobra papers and be prepared to enroll, but then if all goes smoothly between jobs and until you’re insured at your new job — just don’t pay for the COBRA.

      1. The ACA requires you to have coverage though, not just the option to buy retroactive coverage. I don’t know the details but I believe this COBRA strategy may lead to issues at tax time when you have to certify you had coverage all 12 months. There are some exceptions to the 12 month rule but I don’t think you can go 90 days without coverage without tax consequences. I’ve done this strategy before and agree that it is a good one in the absence of the tax issues but when I had a similar situation last year I got on my husband’s insurance briefly, because of the ACA.

        1. I believe the ACA considers you fully covered if you have insurance for 10/12 months. I changed jobs one year and had to include the IRS form indicating which months I had health insurance and which I did not. Search for “ACA Short Gap Exemption”.

          Under ACA, you are covered for the month if you have insurance for only one day of the month. So if your insured on the 1st of the month, you are considered insured for the entire month.

        2. She’ll be fine for ACA purposes. She’ll be in an LNA – “limited non-assessment period” – that waiting period where a new job makes you wait for healthcare. The ACA doesn’t impose a fine on the individual or the employer during the LNA.

    3. I’m in a similar position going to grad school. We’re on my husband’s insurance now and he’d like to quit his job in July so we can move for me to go to school, but unless we go on an expensive student health plan (assuming he doesn’t have a new job yet), I don’t know what we’ll do for coverage in August. Can you do Cobra if you leave your job voluntarily? I thought it was only for getting laid off.

        1. +1 – what % of the premiums were you paying for H’s insurance at work? COBRA lets the former employer charge you up to 102% of the premium cost (100% of the premium + admin fees to keep you on their plan, essentially)

          The other thing to consider is what doctors/hospitals in the new place would be considered “in-network” under your H’s employer’s plan. H’s employer plan may be pretty specific to your current living area.

          Check to see what the cost of the individual payment plans are (obtained directly through the health insurance company, rather than through the employer) to cover you both (either as a family or individuals). Insurance is usually on a state-by-state basis, so if you are moving to a new state, you may have coverage options not available in your current state. That may give you more options than the school’s health plan in terms of what kind of coverage you get (deductible/out of pocket/etc.).

    4. I’m in this exact position, except that I’m pregnant and due three weeks before my new insurance will start, so I’ll definitely need coverage. Your husband’s insurance will let him add you since you are leaving your job; this is what I plan to do. I’ll then go back to my own (new) insurance as soon as I start my new job. In your shoes, though, if you don’t think you’re likely to need medical care, I’d roll the dice on COBRA and get retroactive coverage if necessary.

      Five weeks is short enough that the ACA doesn’t care.

  6. What’s the rule on wearing black to a wedding? I don’t wear dresses ever (suits to work; jeans at home) so I typically buy a dress for something like a wedding. Just got invited to a wedding down in Atlanta on relatively short notice (2-3 weeks) — bc they just decided to throw themselves a wedding. The invites are very casual — i.e. we’d love to see you if you can make it but we understand it’s short notice. Plus it’s a daytime affair — over by 5 pm. I don’t want to spend a ton of money on this bc last minute hotels and flights aren’t cheap. I’d love to be able to reuse a dress I own, yet given that this wedding is in a conservative faith, I need a dress that covers back/shoulders, has sleeves, knee length. As it turns out I have 2 such dresses — both black. I feel like that isn’t appropriate esp. in the south in the spring. Yet I don’t want to have to buy another dress in the same style in a brighter color. Is there an easy solution? I can’t borrow as I’m a much different size than my closest friends and sister.

    1. I think with lighter and fun accessories you’d be in the clear. But, I’m not in the south and don’t know this to be true. Although I veer away from black too, I know plenty of women who wear black to weddings no problem.

    2. This reminds me of a Miss Manners column I read years ago. The letter writer was in a similar predicament (except she was pregnant and her only dressy maternity dress was black), and Miss Manners said “Miss Manners is of the opinion that while it is slightly incorrect to wear black to a wedding, it is completely insane to spend good money on a party dress that will only be worn once.” I feel like that kind of applies here, too. Given all the factors you’ve mentioned, you should be forgiven for wearing a black dress. Maybe some colorful or metallic shoes to brighten it up?

    4. Normally I would say don’t wear black to a daytime wedding in the South, but if it’s last minute, maybe do it and add some colorful jewelry/accessories? In the alternative, do you have a knee-length colorful dress that doesn’t have sleeves/cover back & shoulders that you could wear with a cardigan to make it sufficiently conservative enough?

      1. Also, you could wear the black dress, but throw a cardiagan or scarf over it in a bright color.

        1. Also, this is a total generalization, but I’m guessing there is a strong correlation between brides who throw themselves a last-minute, casual wedding, and brides who do not give a hoot if someone wears a black dress to their wedding.

    5. Wrap dress from banana republic or gap in a bright color? Wrap dresses with heels and fun earrings/fancy makeup to are definitely dressy enough for something formal-ish. Plus can be worn again.

    6. I think you could also consider a skirt/blouse or sweater combo instead of a dress for a daytime wedding if you think its not going to be too formal

      1. I agree with this. Consider a skirt/top combo and see if that broadens your options. If not, wear the black dress with a coloured belt, non-black shoes and maybe a floral scarf/cardigan/necklace to really differentiate it from the same black dress at work, a funeral or an evening event. If you don’t have those accessories in your closet already, consider borrowing them from a friend – accessories are closer to one-size-fits-all than dresses!

    7. I think you could possibly wear a sleeveless or less conservative dress with a light cardigan. I also don’t think the black dress is completely inappropriate. A couple of years ago, I wore a casual black dress to a summer wedding and just wore a brightly colored cardigan, white heels, and a silver and white necklace. It was good enough.

      1. I agree with any of the following: Black dress with bright wrap, cardigan (short or bolero might work) or statement necklace, less conservative dress with wrap, sweater or jacket, spring-y skirt/blouse combo with nice scarf or jewelry. I think buying a dress for this one wear is not worth it.

    8. I mean, you’re not going to be thrown out of the Four Seasons ballroom on your ear, but a black dress at a southern daytime wedding will probably look somewhat out of place. It’s already pretty warm here and will be very warm in a few weeks, so it’s also going to look hot, even if it doesn’t actually feel hot. So I agree with others that you’ll want to jazz it up with bright accessories, or couple a brighter but less conservative dress with a wrap or cardigan.

      1. I’ve been to almost exclusively southern weddings for decades. There’s always someone in a black dress, unless you’re outside in the summer. It’s just not a big deal.

    9. Gwynne Bee or Rent the Runway? Black dress, with colorful accessories/pretty shawl or scarf. I’m from the northeast so ymmv.

    10. Hello from Atlanta! I agree a black dress isn’t the best choice for a daytime Spring wedding in a conservative ceremony, but I don’t think it’s a horrible thing, either. A gray dress with pearl or colorful accessories would work and would coordinate with a black jacket for later use. Is it something you’d wear again?

  7. Has anyone started beginning ballet classes as an adult and have kept it as a part of their regular fitness routine?
    I do a social dance as a pretty serious hobby and think ballet might help with posture, muscle alignment, etc. I’m also wondering how good of a workout it’ll be – it’s a beginner’s class so there won’t be jumps / turns.

    I’ll start with 1.5 hour class once a week and see how it goes for a month or so.

    1. I did for awhile (real ballet classes, not barre fitness classes) several years ago. I was training seriously for marathons around the same time and it was helpful to get the stretching aspects of ballet. I did not keep it up though, as the classes ultimately did build on each other a bit and the floor work didn’t really do it for me. I was not graceful and I couldn’t remember combinations. Definitely worth a try though. I did it with friends and it was fun. We’d go get a drink generally after.

    2. Let us know how it goes! I’ve toyed with the idea of doing that. I was a figure skater growing up and did light ballet training (no pointe or anything) as a kind of cross-training. I really enjoyed it then and would love to get back into it as an adult.

    3. Ooh, now I want to know what kind of dance you do! I’ve considered this, because I also do some social dance and don’t have the same “I did ballet as a kid” background that a lot of folks do, and know that some basics (like spotting on turns) and such would be good. I did a few drop in classes at a local studio, but had a heavy travel schedule and didn’t keep it up. Are you thinking that sort of drop in, or more of a scheduled progressive beginner class? The latter might be more useful. Personally I know it would be good but when busy I’d rather spend the time and money directly on the dancing I like rather than another form…

      1. I do the Argentine tango! It’s my happy place. I’m thinking drop-in beginner’s classes, but there is also a beginner’s workshop series that I’ll consider.

    4. Not really as an adult but I went back to it in the last year and a half of high school (so fully off the kid track!). I really enjoyed it and although I’m now social dancing instead (Ballroom and Latin) it really helps. I also apply my ballet lessons in everyday life – I’m tall and tend to slump, but ballet taught me how to stand up straight and be poised.

      How much of a workout it is will depend on your teacher – mine used to make us do 50 sit ups between barre and floor.

    5. Wait…is this a real thing that I could do with 0 previous training and also not that great flexibility?! Or is it mostly for ex-dancers/gymnasts? I totally wanted to be a ballerina as a kid, but was way too uncoordinated. I’m not much better now, but the difference now is that I’m self-assured enough to not care if I suck :)

      1. Yes absolutely a real thing! I’d check if you have a studio offering an “open” program that has beginner’s classes. I think you’ll get a lot of ex-dancers in those classes, but also people who just want to cross-train or improve coordination, etc.

        1. I danced growing up and take adult classes now and there are definitely beginner classes at many studios. Counterintuitively, you may want to look for studios affiliated with professional local dance companies – they tend to have more adult classes than local studios targeted for kids.

          Be forewarned, even beginner classes will involve turns and jumps though!

          1. Yes! I did ballet intensively growing up, and for anybody in Chicago I highly recommend Hubbard Street’s dance classes no matter your level of experience. Joffrey also offers classes, but I found they seemed to be banking on their name and was disappointed in some of my classes. I’m someone who hates “working out” but LOVES to dance. The 90 minutes just fly by!

      2. It is totally a real thing! I take adult classes at the school affiliated with our city’s professional company. The adult program has a fourI-week introductory series to get absolute beginners acquainted with the terminology and the structure and etiquette of class. I started in the intermediate class a few years ago, having taken a couple years of classes as a kid and two or three semesters of college ballet more than a decade earlier. It was brutally difficult at first but over time I have improved quite a bit. My ability to remember combinations has increased so much–I almost feel like I’m getting smarter.

      3. I work across the street from a ballet studio that offers adult drop-in classes for everything from absolute beginners to serious dancers. I haven’t been in my office long enough to put an appointment on my calendar and dip out for a long lunch to go do beginning ballet, but once I’m more “established” I’m definitely going to try! No significant previous dance experience, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to try.

      4. As others say, totally a real thing. There’s a woman in my weekly adult ballet class who’s actually a kickboxing instructor in her day job. Never taken a dance class in her life, but her son takes classes at the studio and so she thought she’d give it a shot. She notes that you use very different muscles in kickboxing and ballet. :)

        I am a ballet evangelist and encourage everyone to take a class just to try it. I danced when I was younger, quit in high school to focus on academics, picked it back up in grad school and now will not give it up till the universe makes me.

    6. I took ballet classes last year – if you live in a big city, like New York, there are lots of options for adult beginners. The classes were exactly like the ones I took as a kid and some of the schools had intensive courses for absolute beginners. Totally recommend it! It was so much fun, but I bought a house and can’t find a class I could feasibly commute to anymore. Also, you will be doing some jumps and turns as a beginner.

    7. I’m a former long-time ballet dancer, and I would say that there is no reason to believe that a beginner class would not incorporate jumps or basic turns. Ballet is a serious workout–even the bar portion will get your heart rate going if you’re doing it correctly, and it will do wonders for your posture and be very helpful for your positioning in tango (and for life in general–I am frequently told by coworkers that my posture when I am just standing, presenting, or walking into a room give off the impression of competence and confidence).

  8. Anyone here have experience with traveling with a DVT or other blood clot?

    My in-laws are across the country on vacation and FIL has been hospitalized with a blood clot. He is mostly mad because it’s messing up his vacation plans, and has informed the ‘children’ that he plans on altering plans slightly, but still driving the couple-thousand mile trip home.

    We would prefer he fly as it would be substantially less sitting time for him. It’s believed that the long drive to their destination caused the issue in the first place. We have offered to have someone fly down and drive their vehicle back, if that was a concern, but he’s a stubborn human.

    I’m not looking for medical advice, more for ‘in-law relations’. Do we fight this one?

    1. No, you don’t fight. He is a grown up. The doctor should instruct him as to what is safe. Always defer to the “doctor” in these situations. Just ask him/his wife…”what did the doctor recommend so that you will be safe during the trip home?” They can also call his primary care doctor from where they are now if no doctor is advising them.

      Remember, he will now be on a blood thinner, so that will be protecting him.

      He should ask his doctor if he should be wearing compression stockings during the trip (but only do if the doctor says it is ok), drink regularly throughout the trip (which forces you to stop often for bathroom breaks) etc…

      When he gets back he needs an appointment with his primary care doctor so they can advise him long term and do whatever work-up is necessary. Not ever person who drives cross-country gets a clot, so the doctor needs to do a thorough physical in case anything else has changed in his health that is contributing.

      1. Thank you. I think we’re all just concerned about what’s best for him.

        He is very healthy and active, but I think sometimes he does forget that he’s getting older. My MIL tends to defer to him on most decisions, so we want to make sure that he is fully obeying doctor’s orders.

        1. Actually, “getting older” isn’t a reason to start telling him what to do! I know you totally mean well, but try to see it from his side. And what is “old”, really? You have to be careful or you come off patronizing.

          Just be very careful navigating these treacherous waters….

        2. I understand where you’re coming from, but for an anecdote based on my own experience (and I am NOT a doctor of course), a doctor that made it very clear to me that this kind of thing doesn’t just happen from one trip. For what it’s worth, I find the forced positions and immobility of even a short plane ride to be much worse than many times the car ride, where you have control over so much more. Let your FIL consult his own doctors and make the decisions for himself based on that.

      2. I actually recently had a stroke (in my thirties – no lasting effects) and so this is something I’ve been struggling with.

        Honestly, it sucks, he probably knows it, I’m sure he’s scared. But you have to keep doing stuff and part of that is traveling the way you want to. Agreed on “ask your doctor” but I’d defer as much as possible. I have like 8 trips coming up and I’m trying to pare down that list but I also sit behind a desk all day, which is probably worse than any car trip!

        1. Excellent points.

          He is an intelligent human, I just really do worry about that stubbornness factor.

    2. I got a DVT/PE as a result of hormones and a month later, was on a plane. Bought medical hose (20-30mmg) for the flight. They were tight, but kept the swelling down. I also got up every hour (I sat on the aisle!) to help circulation. I know you didn’t want medical advice, but these stockings aren’t optional. I also wear them (still) on long car trips.

      1. Careful…. he needs to ask his doctor before using stockings. For some patients, they are less safe to use right after a blood clot. You may need to wait a month or so.

        Always ask the doc.

    3. My mom had blood clots and was advised to not fly, as the changing air pressure and cramped seating could make it worse. If she had to travel, doctors told her to drive and stop every 2 hours to walk around. She has an odd condition that causes the clots so perhaps that’s different, but certainly I’d defer to the doctor.

      I wouldn’t fight this. Blood clots are seriously scary and people handle scary medical things in their own ways. If he feels better driving because it gives him more autonomy or whatever, just be supportive.

  9. Nothing worse than on an otherwise easy Friday afternoon uncovering an error you made and sent out to clients weeks ago.

    Also, I am about to put in notice to leave this job for an internship, and am so excited and relieved! The private sector was good to me for several years, but I am back in school now and ready to experiment with the public sector. The post above reminded me that I need to figure out health insurance, and I know there are so many other things I need to get settled before I can really walk out the door, but a new beginning feels great!

  10. Does anyone have recs for hypoallergenic bra brands beyond Cotonique?

    I think I might be becoming allergic to my normal bras :(( I like the Cotonique ones, but they are seriously the ugliest things I’ve ever seen (and also the opposite of seamless). Wondering if there are other brands out there I can try.

  11. How much time do you spend with your partner? My husband and I are very close, but I’ve been wondering lately whether I might be missing opportunities to do other activities with friends or pursue hobbies that he’s not into since we tend to spend all of our time outside of work together. Our friends are in common, we tend to hang out at home after work probably 85% of the time (the other 15% is for work happy hours or the occasional separate event), and when we don’t have anything special planned, we just hang out together. I’m not unhappy about this, but at the same time, I’ve been feeling the urge to get back into a hobby that’s just mine. Can anyone else comment on what’s normal for their relationship and on how best to carve out time for yourself and your own friends?

    1. We spend a lot of time together too. Our normal “separate” events are either after-work happy hours (maybe once a month for him) or exercising (this is always seperate). I may go to spin class while he golfs for a morning. He has more of a need to spend time with just the guys, so he might do something every other month with his friends like a fishing trip or a weekend away. Otherwise, we’re pretty glued at the hip after work during the week and weekends together! I find that every couple is really different on this and whatever works for you is best. But if you want to get into a hobby, then why not?

    2. I have a few evening activities that I do alone (book club, volunteering) several nights a month. I also work out on my own. Otherwise we are together. We are parents so much of the together time is also full family time. I think whatever allocation works for your family is the right allocation. We don’t ask “permission” to do things on our own, but we do check in to coordinate schedules.

    3. DH and I spend at least 85% of our mutual free time together/with our son. Due to work schedules, we only have one day off (Sunday) together, so we spend all day Sunday as a family, and sometimes with extended family or friends. We spend most evenings together, although he works late one night per week and I work late as needed but somewhat often. I’d estimate that at least 50% of our time together is taking care of our son, cooking, and doing stuff around the house. 40% is probably just hanging out after we finish dinner on weeknights or doing something fun on Sundays, and 10% is hanging out with mutual friends or extended family.

      It’s hard for me to carve out time with my own friends, but sometimes I just do. I try to schedule lunch dates during the week with friends who also work downtown. Or I’ll leave work on the early side and meet for happy hour and just be home late but in time for son’s bedtime and dinner with DH. A couple of friends will meet me and my son at the park or wherever, but those friends seem to be couple friends who I see all the time with DH anyways.

      My time to myself is usually while DH is working and my son is sleeping. Obviously, that means none of those hobbies are out of the house. I’ll also wake up early to exercise a few days a week. I was going to yoga one night a week, and DH was happy to hold down the fort while I did that, but I went through a busy period at work and haven’t started up again. Before I had my son, I would often wake up early on Saturday mornings for “me time” (coffee and binge-watching shows DH won’t watch, not a real hobby) while DH slept in.

      If you want to get back into a hobby, I’d say just go for it. Don’t fight the urge to get back into it.

    4. We’re pretty much physically nearby whenever we’re not working, except for a few hours a week he goes to play sports. That said even though we’re pretty much in the same building whenever we’re not working, we’re frequently in different rooms of our house, e.g., I’m reading and he’s playing video games or I’m watching TV and he’s working in his home office. On an average weekday we probably only spend ~1 hour or so interacting, and an average weekend day maybe 2-3 hours. I’m a huge introvert and need my alone time.

    5. Appreciating the responses so far! I should add that I’m an introvert who finds social situations draining and that my husband is one of the few people I can just totally be myself around (without worrying about what to say, filling silences, etc). We also make each other laugh and just really enjoy spending time together. I value that time a lot, but sometimes feel like I should be getting out and doing more, especially since I live in a city with plenty going on.

      2. I’m a lot like you — I think the greatest compliment I can give someone is that it doesn’t feel like they “count” as “being with other people”…

        Other than occasional coworker happy hours or meeting a friend for a manicure, we spend pretty much all evenings and weekends together. Not always doing the same thing, like others have explained, but near each other. We’re both happy with it so I don’t feel the need to change.

      3. If you want to do a hobby, do it. But if you are happy hanging out with your husband, just keep doing that! That’s the awesome part of being a grownup – you get to decide what you want to do!

      4. My fiancé and I spend less time together than most couples do- in fact, some of my friends/colleagues are pretty bemused by the whole thing. We both work long hours in very different fields- he usually gets home after I’m asleep, and I usually leave in the morning while he’s still asleep. We do date night one weekend night, and we always have one “sleep in” weekend morning where we spend the whole morning in bed together. That’s basically it for couple time in the average week unless we happen to overlap at home. We also both also travel frequently for work and will go days without talking without any problem. For us it works perfectly. We really treasure the time we get together, I look forward to our “sleep in morning” all week, and wherever he is in the world at any given time I know he’s rooting for me.

        That was a really long-winded way of saying.. it doesn’t really matter what everyone else is doing if it works for you and works for your partner! You might think my way is crazy. But it only matters if the people in the relationship are happy! So do what you want:)

    6. We spend loads of time together, probably more than most couples. I go to post work yoga once or twice a week and normally work later one night but otherwise, evenings and weekends are together. We tend to be in the same room as well – if I’m working in the office/guest room, he will do something in the same room. I think he’s a bit jealous when I’m out with friends (I have a stronger need for outside social interaction, he’s happy with me + casual work aqua instances) and we are working on that.

    7. If you are happy, it’s normal. My partner travels a ton for work and is quite introverted, so when he’s home, he likes it to be just us. I get that and don’t push for more than 1 social outing per week. In the evenings, we tend to eat dinner together and then spend the rest of the time watching tv or reading.

    8. My husband and I don’t have children, which I have to assume would change things, but as things stand we probably spend 60-70% of our free time together. If I were to recalculate that to only include the time we spend together without anyone else, it’s probably more like 40-50%. About 2 nights per week during the work week, we’re apart working on our hobbies or spending time with separate friends. About 80% of our weekend is spent together with mutual friends or family (although 1-2x per month we’ll spend a weekend day pursuing hobbies or seeing separate friends). My husband goes on fishing weekends with his friends a few times a year, and I do the same to visit friends who live in different cities. I took a vacation this year without him.

      We love being together, but we also love our hobbies and our other friends so time apart focused on those things makes us happy as well. It’s also important to me that I don’t alienate my single friends and siblings by assuming they always want to see my husband when they see me, so make spending time with them alone a priority.

    9. I’m big on you do you for your relationships. If what you are doing is working for you then why change?

      My Dh & I spend most of our free time together. Our 16yo & 13yo sons also prefer to hang out at home. We are all introverts and it makes us happy. Our 10yo, however always wants to be with his friends, which is OK too.

      My brothers, on the other hand, have very different lifestyles than we do. Spending much more time with friends & going out & being social. And we all have great relationships.

  12. On here people are often telling cautionary tales about what happens when a woman’s spouse dies and she doesn’t understand how their finances work. I broached this with my mother and she said it would be fine because the financial planner she and my dad employ knows everything. Is it indeed the case that I don’t need to worry on that front?

    1. It seems to me that this is better than nothing, but it would still be good for her to know what’s going on at a high-level so that her first step after the funeral doesn’t have to be to call the financial planner. Also, the financial planner probably doesn’t know things like what bills are outstanding, when they are due etc.

    2. It also depends on how much you trust that financial planner. If something happened to your parents, would you trust this stranger to manage every aspect of the estate?

    3. I’m sure the financial planner knows the big stuff like the assets, but does the financial planner know the day-to-day (and does it matter?). Eg which bills get paid from which accounts when, passwords to various sites, etc.

      2. Exactly this. When my father died, my mother was already handling the weekly/monthly household bills so that wasn’t too much extra stress but she didn’t know anything about investing. Many investments (mutual funds, ETFs, CDs)don’t need to be checked more often than once or twice a year. We were able to wait about a year to form a plan on what to do with the investments so she was in a much better headspace for tackling complicated problems.
        In the end, we moved almost everything to Vanguard, I got her to read a couple SIMPLE books on investing and we go over her investments/plan once a year.

    4. I would also caution that your mom should understand her finances because there are cases where a husband dies and the financial planner takes advantage of the widow. Even if the husband has used this financial planner for decades, a single, older woman who is not knowledgeable is very vulnerable to financial exploitation.

      1. And “knowing” where everything is isn’t the same as “being allowed to handle” everything. I work for a lady with a financial planner and a personal bookkeeper, and it will still be a mess when she dies because she hasn’t gotten it organized past a certain point.

  13. Wanted to thank each of you who posted your beauty routines last week. I purchased some quality products and have been consistent with using them since buying them. I can tell a small difference already and it is relaxing to take care of myself in a small way each evening.

    1. As a skincare fanatic, this makes me really happy to read for some reason. Please share if you discover any products that you really like!

      1. :) I’ve loved the Philosophy Purity face wash for about a year. I bought the serum in the same line called ‘when Hope is not enough’ and been really consistent with the night cream called ‘anti-wrinkle miracle worker’. It’s in a black jar.

        I also use my clairsonic Mia a few times a week and Origins charcoal clay mask once a week to help with big pores.

        I’m open to any other recommendations!

  14. Ughhhhhhhhhh I was in a meeting today with about a dozen people, some senior to me, but most at the same level. I was the only woman, and the only person under the age of 50.

    The admin who takes minutes and runs the powerpoints was out sick today, so the person leading the meeting went “Anonforthis, why don’t you drive the Powerpoint and record minutes today”.

    I was slightly taken aback since there was a dozen people he could have chosen from, and I said “I’d rather not, so I can focus on this discussion. I’m very concerned about X and our timeline and we need to nail down next steps. I have some suggestions for that”

    And he rolled his eyes and said “What, you can’t click a mouse and listen at the same time? It’s not that hard” and just stared at me and everyone else just awkwardly looked down. I know I shouldnt have, but I just was squashed and I caved and ended up clicking through the Powerpoint.

    UGHHHHH–this is some blatant sexism, right? How would you have handled it?

    1. It sounds like you did a great job of standing up for yourself and he was just beyond horrible. Maybe if there’s a next time you could suggest pulling in another admin if there is one.

    2. That’s ridiculous. Why isn’t the person actually giving the presentation clicking the 4ucking button?

      It’s casual sexism.

    3. A pattern of behavior like this, not one incident, would indicate sexism to me. It seems natural that one of the most junior people would be chosen to take over the admin’s work in her absence, sometimes that’s going to be you. If it’s always you, that’s a problem.

    4. I would respond that I’m perfectly able to LISTEN and click at the same time, but not to be an ACTIVE participant and be responsible for the presentation. Since I need to be involved in this discussion, I’ll will see if there is another admin assistant available to help us. Otherwise, perhaps we can either split up the duties or take turns.

    5. UGGUGUHGHGH. That’s awful.

      I think older men’s brains just go straight to young woman = secretary.

      A couple of weeks ago I was assisting my old male partner in a depo. Co-Defendant’s representative (male, of course) was there. I was in a sheath dress, heels, and jacket. I was taking notes and talking about questions with Partner, giving him documents. We all went to lunch and I discussed strategy with Partner and Co-Defendant Counsel and Co-Defendant Representative. At the end of the deposition, Representative shakes my hand again and says, “so…… you’re Partner’s assistant?” No. I’m a lawyer.

      At the doctor’s office I make a comment about needing to get back to the law firm. “Oh so you work for lawyers?” No. I am a lawyer.

      “Are you partner’s secretary?” No, I’m your lawyer.

      I say good for you for standing up for yourself, and second SA’s suggestion. A) it may get you out of the task and b) draw his attention to the fact that he’s asking you to fill a secretarial role.

      1. I’m a (young female) lawyer and no one has ever mistaken me for an assistant. If it’s happening to you a lot (and it may not be if these are the only 3 examples over an 8 year career or something), it may be worth talking to someone you trust about whether there’s anything in the way your speech or body language or dress or something else that is coming across differently than you intend.

    6. Agree with SA’s advice. I will note that you also mentioned you were the youngest person in the room. Not sure if this makes it any better, but it could have been an assumption based on age that you’re more junior (even if you’re actually not).

    7. Eh I would not assume sexism. My initial thought is that they asked you to do it because you’re the youngest. When I work with certain older attorneys, they just assume that I will take care of anything related to technology. They do the same to younger male colleagues.

  15. So, my ILs sold their house a few weeks ago after years of it being on the market. MIL made a big deal about how they sold it to a nice young MD from the same country of origin as ILs, told me all about his family, etc. etc. Multiple times.

    I found out (not through them) that it was actually purchased by a company owned by their next door neighbor (mutual hatred there) and it is now listing for-rent.

    I don’t know if they lied to us about who bought it out of embarrassment for being in a financial pickle, or if they were lied to, but I feel SO WEIRD and wish I could un-know this.

    My parents are so easy in comparison…

      1. I’m not seeing the big deal…they sold their house..it’s not like there was a body in the basement

        1. It bothers me because I think that MIL concocted this elaborate story about a supposed buyer because she didn’t want to tell us “you know, we just couldn’t shoulder the burden anymore, and we had to sell to jerk-face neighbor”. And given that a few other things have recently emerged that they haven’t wanted to tell us about b/c embarrassed (health/safety issues), I’m just not happy with being lied to.

          1. Being lied to about health/safety stuff is one thing, but this is a pretty innocuous white lie and it’s fairly obviously why they might be embarrassed about it, so let it go. If they’re lying to you about important stuff, make a big deal out of that, not this.

          4. I still don’t understand your perspective. They’re adults. Their actions aren’t harming you.

          5. No, I get it. I agree it’s not something to worry about, and at the same time…
            Really?
            Really?
            Srsly?
            Why are they even bothering to lie about such a silly thing?
            It’s worth an eye roll and a sigh, IMO.

  16. Is 8 nights and 7 full days/2 partial days enough to do Rome, Florence, and Cinque Terre or will it be too packed? In general we’re active travelers and are pretty content to spend only 2 or 3 nights in each destination, but I feel like Italy is a place where I might like a slower pace, especially outside the cities. I’m thinking 1 night (~1.5 days) in Rome at the beginning, 3 nights (3 days) in Florence, 3 nights (2.5 days) in Cinque Terre, and 1 more night in Rome before flying out.

    1. No, absolutely not enough. You will not see anything, especially not Rome. You will just be able to check off the box that you “did” Rome, Florence, and Cinque Terre.

    2. Haven’t visited Cinque Terre but I’ve been to both Rome and Florence. I’d suggest at least two days for Florence and four for Rome, and that’s not including traveling. Let’s split the difference and say you need three for Cinque Terre, so now you’re looking at 9 days minimum.

    3. Don’t do it! I tried to do three Italian locations in that amount of time last year and almost died. Do Rome or Florence plus a couple of day trips.

    4. I think you are going to be pressed for time unless you’re willing to be very selective about what you see. Particularly in Rome.

    5. My husband and I are about to do Rome, Florence, and various places in Tuscany over the course of 10 days and I wish we had more time! We’re spending anywhere from 2-4 days in each place, which should technically be enough, but Italy strikes me as the place for “slow travel”.

    6. So jealous! My one thought – I thought CT was lovely for downtime, and hiking through the towns, but I very much wish I had spent more time in Rome when I was there. The shopping, the history, etc.. I think it depends on what you’re looking for, but I might readjust in favor of spending at least one more day in Rome.

    7. Ok, yeah that’s what I feared. To clarify, we’re not especially interested in Rome. Florence and Cinque Terre are the reason for the trip and we were thinking Rome as the third place because we can fly non-stop there from Chicago O’Hare (our home airport). Maybe we need to just fly direct to Florence, even though that looks to be considerably more expensive :/

      1. Could you fly in and out of Venice? I’m not sure it would ease your travel burdens, but if you’re looking for a third place, I think Venice can be done in 1 night/2 days, and Venice + Florence + Cinque Terre can be done in 7 days. In fact, I think I did pretty much that exact trip many years ago (before the euro, when everything in Italy was cheap because of the exchange rate with the lire – sigh).

        Several years ago, at the end of a trip, DH and I drove from Tuscany (Montepulciano) to Rome and did not even attempt to “do” Rome (although I’ve been before). We arrived in the evening, checked into our hotel, ate dinner somewhere random but picturesque, and left for the airport the next morning. If I were you, I’d maximize your time in places you care about, and if it makes sense to fly out of Rome, just do so without putting more pressure on yourself.

        1. Thanks SC! I’ve done Venice and was not a huge fan. I’d be perfectly happy just doing Florence and Cinque Terre, but flying to Rome is way more convenient, so maybe we’ll just fly into and out of Rome but not plan to visit it.

          1. I did Florence, Venice, CT and Rome in 10 days, flying in and out of Rome for the same reason as you. We didn’t care for Rome at all and were happy to leave after checking off the must-sees. Venice was great to see but we were glad we only gave it 1 day–that was enough. I wouldn’t recommend adding it to a trip because it just eats up so much time on the train from the other major cities on the western side.

            Due to a flight delay, we really only had one full day in Florence, as we had a bike tour in the countryside the other day. We bought the Firenze card, which allowed us to skip the line at all of the major sites. We did the Duomo climb, Accademia (David), Uffizi, and Pitti Palace/Boboli Gardens in that day, plus some shopping, and it never felt rushed. We absolutely loved the bike tour and if anything would’ve spent more time outside the city, probably with a day trip to Siena, if we’d had another day.

            We really only had one full day in CT (a half day that by the time we arrived was too late to set out on a hike, the next day, and then another half day with a 10am checkout) and I wished we would’ve had more time to hike all of the trails, explore each town, and just relax on the beach. If I go back, I’d try to schedule at least 3 days there, but I’m a runner/hiker so I really want to do the full stretch. Part of it was closed due to prior season flooding when we were there.

    8. Florence: 4 -5 days , incl day trips to Pisa, Siena, San Gimignano
      Rome: 3 days

    9. My DH and I did almost the same trip in the same time frame because that’s the time we had. It was a great trip.

    10. Hope you will see this — given your lesser interest in Rome, I would fly in and out of Milan. It’s actually a larger airport than Roma or Venezia (or at least it was in 2000 — last time I was there) and it’s very easy to take the train to CT and Florence and back to Milan. Highly recommend 5-6 days in Florence with one day’s side-trip to Siena (by bus). YMMV, but I stayed 6 days in Firenze (not incl. Siena) and still have things on my life list that I didn’t get to do (Brancacci Chapel, Duomo climb) and can’t wait to go back. But I am all about all of the It. Renaissance art, so I wanted a day each in the Uffizi, Accademia and Pitti. Also loved Museo di San Marco and the Bargello.

  17. Hi! Meant to post this during the week but *busybusybusy*. London transplant here, interested in a meetup. Anyone interested can get in touch at the gmail i’ve just created: londonrette
    Thinking of trying to put together after-work drinks or a breakfast date sometime this month or next.

  18. Quick question for anyone who would be willing to weigh in–can i wear black hose in LA at this time of year? The temperatures look like they are only going to get up to a high of 70 next week, with lows in the 50s. Here, I would absolutely still be wearing them (and have been). As an alternate option, I could wear pants. If anyone who is local could offer some guidance, it would be much appreciated!

    2. My legs aren’t ready for public display yet, but I agree that black hose would be odd in LA. Go for pants then.

      1. thank you all! my legs are not ready for public display this early in the season. I will go for pants.

      2. Do you mind if I ask both of you what this means? Other than being pale, I can’t imagine how one’s legs would “improve” before summer, and if you’re worried about them being pale, I assume your arms and face are also the same level of pale? Just curious what people do to get their legs “ready” for public display.

        1. For me, my legs are several shades lighter than the rest of my body. It’s a blinding. After winter they are also quite chalky and dry. Before I go bare-legged in the summer I use Jergens body lotion to build up some color. Also, shaving!

          1. yes, me too! I am the OP. my legs are quite pale. in fact, they look like the legs of a person who has been hiding out in black tights and hose all winter! i usually prep with some combination of sunless tanning lotion and actual sun, but there haven’t been many opportunities for that so far this season. i fear that the pale shade of my legs would be almost as jarring as the black hose. So…pants.

    4. I agree black hose aren’t usual here, but if you’re worried about your bare legs being too pale you really don’t need to be. I’m pasty white and go bare legged all the time!

  19. Trying to keep busy and not go crazy today. I was offered a job on Wednesday that I interviewed for months ago and really, really want. They offered me the lowest of the salary range, so I called back yesterday and countered, citing my years of experience and education. My counter was 12% higher than their original offer and put me in the middle of the salary range. The HR person I spoke to said she would take it back to management and get back to me by the close of business yesterday or first thing today. It’s Friday afternoon and no peep. I can’t imagine needing to be on pins and needles all weekend waiting to hear, but it looks like that might be the case. I will have no nails left by Monday!

    1. Thinking of you! Do something fun today to distract yourself.

      Nice job on the negotiating… whatever happens. It was the right thing to do.

  20. You guys, first world problem I know. But does this happen to you?

    We went on vacation last week and instead of coming back refreshed and ready to work, I just can’t get my head back in the game.

    Maybe it’s just Hawaii. How can I move to Hawaii? (answer, I can’t, but I can’t stop thinking about it)

    1. This happens to me more and more for some reason, would love to find out if someone else has figured out how to deal with it! My husband thinks the best way is to just make sure we have a day to decompress at home after trips at least, but that doesn’t always do it for me.

    2. Post-vacation fog is definitely a thing. I took 2.5 weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon last year. I pride myself on usually being pretty together, but I swear it took me almost as long to get back in “work mode” after coming home.

      I think it’s because vacation makes you realize that you don’t “have” to work the way that you normally do, like it is technically possible (though extremely unlikely) for my husband and I to move to Bora Bora and open up a coconut stand. When I’m in my usual routine, I don’t realize the how monotonous my work/gym/eat/chores/sleep routine can be (and I consider myself to be someone who loves routine!). Vacation makes you realize that there are other options (albeit unlikely ones), so it can be vaguely depressing and disorienting to come home sometimes.

  21. anyone have any experience with Henri Bendel bags and wallets? I am seeing some really nice bags but would like commentary first. thanks

    1. I love Henry Bendel! I have one bag and a few clutches and they are my absolute favorite. I’ve had one of the clutches for years and it is still my go-to “evening out” bag, and I invariably get compliments on it and the other bags as well.

  22. Laptop/ work bags and totes. What’s the hive opinion on leather vs. nylon? I’m mid-career in a senior position and getting ready to start a new job after being at my current one for a LONG time. I’m client facing and while I will commute by car, I will also be traveling by plane. Some business trips will be multi-day. The other senior people I’ll be traveling with are guys.

    In the past I’ve gone with nylon (nice, OMG) over leather for the practicality and weight. But is it time to just suck up the additional weight to have things look better? I’m debating between the Knomo Audley and the OMG Brookline (I do like that this has a pocket to go over suitcase handles).

    Thanks and go!

      1. Ugh, I meant the Lo & Sons Brookline. I have an OMG that is looking its several years right now. Fine to start, but will most likely want to refresh.

    2. I am team nylon for travel. The extra weight makes a huge difference when I’m traveling. Plus, I love the durability of nylon. I use a leather bag for formal meetings and court appearances. Can you wait until you start and see what other people carry? I’d be willing to bet most of the men carry some kind of canvas or faux leather laptop bag, but if they’re all carrying around formal leather bags on business trips, then maybe you should upgrade too.

      1. The Knomo looks to be pretty light weight for leather. But, I’m probably just going to wait this one out just a bit and see what the norms are.

        The travel in large part will be for formal meetings- think high level professional services (investment management, consulting, law, etc., without being too specific).

        My anxiety stems from the fact I had become VERY comfortable in my old job and probably let things be too casual because I had been there so long. On top of wanting to make a good first impression, this new job is definitely a promotion as well.

        Excited, but anxious. Thanks for the feedback Vi and SC.

    3. Try TUMI coated canvas totes. Look so much nicer than nylon, and they are designed for traveling.

    1. Violet, if you’re still checking – thanks for posting. Love these, always looking for nice vegan bags and shoes.

  24. Hi Hive and happy Saturday!

    I’m probably too late and might re-post on Monday, but a situation from today inspires me to ask – how do you deal with a partner who apologizes but continues to make the same mistakes?

    My boyfriend of almost one year is starting to get into a bad habit of proposing plans and then blowing me off at the last second. Last night, he called me to invite me to an event this afternoon and told me he’d send the details. The details never arrived but I cancelled plans with my friends knowing that this event was important to him. Morning comes, I ask him for the details. He doesn’t even respond. Later on tells me he can see me after the event at 3. 3 turns to 4:30. At 5 he tells me he’s home and I can “come over whenever.” My head just about exploded.

    This is far from the first time that he’s flaked this way. That concerns me, as does the fact that he doesn’t apologize until I point out how inconsiderate he’s being. Normally I’m very quick to forgive but I’m having a hard time today. Does he keep repeating his mistakes because he assumes that I’ll move on quickly and there won’t be any “consequences” (ie. me being a bit distant for a few days or something).

    Help?

    1. How old is this dude? Honestly, these aren’t mistakes — he somehow hasn’t forgotten to send the details for the events and somehow thought you would be at the right place at the right time. He is using you as a backstop in case his boys or friends from work aren’t available. He doesn’t care about your time or about the fact that you are canceling other plans to make yourself available.

      If he is 20, this level of self involvement is, if not excusable, at least not incomprehensible. But it would be intolerable from a fully adult man. How long are you willing do you want to be being someone’s backup plans? That isn’t to blame you — you sound like a nice person. Your dude…not quite so much.

      1. Yep. This reminds me of the plot from the end of SATC (Carrie and the book signing and the Russian), although in that episode at least the Russian brings her to the art review or whatever before abandoning her!

        As far as consequences — I have to say, in my early relationships, I was much more willing to tolerate bad behavior so long as I got an apology after appropriate “punishment”. Then I realized I didn’t want to stay in a relationship where I even HAD to impose “consequences.” Not to say husband and I never disagree, but I’ve never felt the need to “punish” him because we listen to each other, apologize if appropriate, and actually make an effort *not to do the annoying thing again.*

        1. Hey Cat and Monte – I’m sad to report we both just turned 29…

          You’re right – this kind of behaviour isn’t really a “mistake” and isn’t acceptable at this age. And I really don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to impose “consequences.”

          I suppose what’s most upsetting about this is that it’s a recent thing – for the first 8 or 9 months of our relationship this wasn’t an issue. I’m not sure what’s caused the turnaround but I think it’s time that I make it abundantly clear that it needs to end (or I’m out!).

        2. Sometimes when men want to break up, they are too chicken so they start behaving badly so that you will break up with them. I hope that’s not what’s happening here but I feel like it’s possible.

          And yeah, don’t put up with that kind of stuff!

    2. Yeah, this sort of behavior would make me crazy. I couldn’t tolerate it long term.

      I would also ask myself if I am not communicating clearly. Sometimes in relationships with people who are much more relaxed/mellow than me (I am pretty intense, I admit)…. in my attempts to be flexible and go with the flow I do not make needs clear.

  25. Is it still winter in New England for fashion purposes? I’m traveling back home for some events this week and wonder if I can wear black tights and tall boots. I feel like we are solidly into springtime in DC despite the current cold. (I’ve been in DC for a long time now and have totally forgotten hometown seasons.)

    1. In Chicago everyone pulled back out their boots/scarves/winter coats. I assume the Northeast is the same, if they’re also in a bizarre cold snap.

      1. I am so sick of being in moderation that I am seriously considering deleting this site from my bookmarks.

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