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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 235 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. It's getting chilly but it may still be a little rainy — which to me means that my skinny cords still have a place in my wardrobe, no matter how much flared cords are in right now. (There are a ton of cute cord miniskirts, too, if that's your thing!) Happily, skinny cords are still plentiful in stores right now — these gorgeous hot fuchsia ones from Current/Elliott are on sale for $177, but there are lots of other options, including these old affordable favorites from Kut from the Kloth (at Nordstrom, as well as sale styles at Amazon), as well as a ton at Banana Republic (and BR Factory), J.Crew (40% off!) and some nice plus-size options at Nordstrom Rack. Pictured: The Stiletto High Waist Ankle Corduroy Pants This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Really Excited About Stuffing

    Happy Thanksgiving, Canadian friends! I hope everyone gets to leave a bit early for the holiday weekend today.

  2. Anon

    If you’re having trouble getting through to your senators right now, try sending a fax instead. I was just able to do so (the website FaxZero does it for free and even includes a list of senators to choose from). It’s really important to make your voice heard on the Kavanaugh issue and not to give up.

    • Anon

      Ugh, please don’t. I worked in a congressional district office during Obamacare and back then, in our office, faxes took forever to load and print and wasted a ton of paper. I get that you might want to annoy the staff of your congressperson with the sound of the printer running for the next several weeks, but that’s not efficient for getting your voice heard today. Perhaps they’re digitized now, I haven’t worked in politics in years. Email would be more effective. TBH, staff are likely tallying numbers of contacts under a few broad categories (interns will log you in their constituent contact log with the issue you contacted about later), so an email will be much more effectively received and tallied.

      • Anonymous

        C’mon it’s just a friendly psa for civic engagement. Not the op but i don’t think their post was intended to “annoy the staff of your congressperson.”

        • Anon

          I hear that! Just trying to help people be more effective and save a tree. The fax flood was a real problem, and I know people meant well, but it was grating beyond belief.

      • all about eevee

        Oh boo hoo, the poor STAFF. Good lord, give me a break. I’m a constituent. They’re there to help me. If I want to send a fax or a carrier pigeon or an Edible Arrangement, I will.

        • Anon

          Read my comment in the spirit it was offered. I can’t fathom why you need to direct nasty vitriol at people in public service, who will work late into tonight and tomorrow, regardless of the party of their member, and who are spending their day trying to make the voices of all the constituents contacting them get counted. Do what you want, but the final vote is tomorrow. I hope your carrier pigeon is quick.

          • Anonfedup

            I’m sorry, nobody is counting the freaking voices of the constituents. They do not care.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I think the staff are well compensated for this. Sorry you didn’t like doing your job!

        • Anon

          Front lines of the phones are interns, typically unpaid, staff assistants, who make ~$35,000, and after that it goes up the chain, LC’s maybe make 40k? That’s fine, people compete for these jobs to get in the door, and it can be stressful at times but is rewarding in many ways, just like most other people’s jobs. I loved the work I did for a great member who really cares about what his constituents think. Don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson, I won’t ever again share a story of a thing that happened once in the spirit of helping anybody.

        • anony

          Well that shows that you just don’t know what you’re talking about. Even experienced legislative staff makes like $40k to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. But the ones who have to answer the phones and sort faxes are the unpaid interns.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          LOL at congressional staff being well compensated. Send the fax, but the people handling correspondence are definitely not particularly well compensated for what they do, especially given DC cost of living.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        In the DC offices at least, the faxes are digitized and have been for years.

        • Anon

          I stand updated by technology – fax away to the DC office, my friends! I’d have to hope/guess the district offices have caught up, as well. Either way, I emailed and I’m sticking to it.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t understand why people are jumping on Anon at 3:01. I appreciate knowing that email is more likely to be useful than a fax, regardless of why it is likely to be more useful. I’d rather my efforts be as effective as possible.

          • Hildy

            Agree as well. I worked for one of the most liberal Senators in recent history and a constituent voice is a constituent voice – they’ll tally your position and let the Senator know. No reason to kill trees in the process (or send hangers or something else wasteful and awful for the environment).

      • Ellen

        I agree. We must learn to rely on our elected representatives, and if we don’t like what they do, we can vote them out. After all, we DID elect them. I as much as anyone want for the candidate best suited to be elected to the Supreme Court and if I were a Congresswoman, I would have to weigh the alternatives very carefully before a vote. But once voting is over, we must accept the vote b/c this is a democracy we live in. YAY!!!

      • Anon

        Who are you and why do you keep telling people not to bother or waste their time? I don’t know if you’re a supporter who is just tired and frustrated (justifiably so!) or somebody on the other side, but will you please just go away.

        • Anonymous

          Oh get off it. I think it’s deplorable what’s happening and it degrades the Court in ways I never thought possible. He’s getting confirmed, so what we should be focusing on now is the midterms. And don’t GOMI me.

    • Anonymous

      The vote Collins out if she votes yes crowdpac is at 3M, consider that too.

  3. Anon

    Hot pink is my favorite color (and honestly I probably have more than enough hot pink clothing). I love these, but I don’t need to spend $177 on jeans right now.

    • Anonymous

      I just ordered a bunch on sale from Loft (Julie fit FTW!), but not in this amazing color. Choking on the price though (and that’s on sale?!).

    • Anonymous

      I love this color!

      WHY do cords always have to be in such sad, somber, muddy colors? Much better than the usual color palette of despair (which is what I feel in late fall as the sky becomes leaden gray and the weather is damp enough to give you the permanent chill/consumption that used to send Victorians to an early but poetic grave?).

  6. Banff

    DH has a trip to Canada for work next week and I’m tagging along. He wants to add 1-2 days around Banff. I know the weather is already cold, but we likely won’t be able to travel for a while after this year, so we want to make the most of the one weekend we’ll be there. We’re coming from Florida, however, so I’d appreciate any advice on winter gear. We have appropriate long puffy coats from when we used to live in Boston but are stuck on shoes. DH really wants to go on one hike at least, but neither of us have athletic shoes beyond sneakers. Will that be enough?

    • Anonymous

      They’ll probably be fine for a walk (non-strenuous hike), but you may want to have wool socks (like smartwool hiking type socks) to help keep your feet warm if it’s wet. But if you are expecting it to be wet, I don’t know if normal sneakers are the best bet for an unpaved path (traction concerns). Cotton socks will make your feet feel even colder, especially if they get wet.

    • C2

      I haven’t been to Banff but in my hiking experience, the problem you’re going to face won’t likely be warmth, it’ll be traction. It looks like it’s already snowed there, but temps are around 40 during the day, so there’ll be melting and maybe ice or frost in the mornings. Perhaps check out the easier hikes and do a couple of those. Layer up, wear a hat, and thick socks. I’d go for it in my trail runners, but I’d avoid anything that wasn’t fairly tame/flat in normal sneakers.

      • Anonymous

        I live in Calgary, and if Banff got anything like the snow we got this week, I would absolutely not hike in regular sneakers. I wouldn’t walk in my neighbourhood in sneakers right now – the thaw/re-freeze cycle is extreme right now.

    • Banff OP

      Thanks. DH insists we’ll be fine (we have wool socks), but I don’t mind buying hiking boots if that’s what’s needed.

      • Anon

        Nooooo, no. No. Don’t buy brand new hiking boots a week before you’re going to use them! Oh dear. That’s how you get AWFUL blisters.

        • Alanna of Trebond

          Unless you are someone who just doesn’t get blisters. We exist.

        • Anonymama

          Good advice for backpacking or other intense hiking, but it sounds like they are going to be doing pretty moderate hiking, and aren’t short hikes how you break in new hiking boots? (I’ve only had pretty lightweight hiking boots, even for fairly serious hiking, and they never gave me blisters).

    • Just returned from Banff Tuesday

      Highly recommend waterproof hiking boots. Even something like the 1.8km bike to the Lake Louise lookout point will likely be muddy due to snow.

  7. Dress up

    I work in a casual environment i.e. people wear tshirts, jeans, sweatshirts etc. I got some new corduroy pants recently, they are a straight cut. How do you style cords to wear in a casual work environment? Even though my work environment is casual, I’m trying to step up my work wear for myself. Previously I wore cords with tshirts and hoodies on the weekend. I’d like to break out of this rut especially as it gets colder, I find that dressing well also boosts my mood. One pair that I got is a rich aubergine shade, not everyday wear but I like the color. I have two other pairs of which one will be a return, one pair is chocolate brown, the other is a grayish pale teal color. NB: I work in a lab environment, no chemicals but sometimes I have to move equipment around.
    Outfit suggestions welcome.

    • Anonymous

      Chambray shirts or denim shirts, or solid sweaters (the J.Crew Tippi is my go-to for this).

      • Samesies

        Yes, chambray for the win! Also, pick up some scarves that go with the cords for the fall, I find that cute scarves make the outfit feel a bit more “put together”. I also wear black skinny jeans with chambray shirts, and brogue-style shoes for a nice menswear-inspired look. Super comfortable for days when I have a long walking commute with my backpack (I’m in tech so this is how we roll).

    • cat socks

      Maybe a patterned top and cardigan. Check out some of the tops at Old Navy.

    • Scarlett

      I’ve always used Jena Lyons as my style muse and done her high-low thing. Wear them with a silky blouse and heels, or cashmere sweater and scarf and flats, etc… I like having an element that’s casual mixed with other pieces that aren’t.

  8. Anonymous

    Can someone comment on Uniqlo sizing? I’m looking to get some new sweaters for the fall/winter, and the merino ones there are $20 right now. (!!!!) I’m 5’3″ and busty, and usually get a womens medium. I prefer things a little bit looser. Can someone recommend what they would do for these sweaters?

    • Anon Lawyer

      In general, I feel like Uniqlo runs small but their sweaters fit true to size for me.

    • DLC

      I find that I need to size up for their more slim cut clothes and size down for their looser tops. I’m 5’3″ and not busty at all and I wear a Small in the sweaters and t-shirts, but and XS in any top that isn’t fitted. I do find their things to also be a little on the longer side here in the US. Not as long as other places’ non-petite size, but definitely longer than standard petite tops. I have a friend who is 5’3″ and busty and she orders Mediums.
      I just bought a Merino cardigan from Uniqlo and the material is on the thin side.

    • Anon

      Get a large. I’m usually a medium and even the large is a little snugger than I prefer in sweaters.

    • GC

      I just bought some of their sweaters this week. I’m 5’5″, 34DD, 29″ waist, and got a medium in both the short-sleeved merino and the long-sleeved rib turtleneck. The fit isn’t super tight at a medium, but if you’re looking for a really loose fit, you may even want to go up to a large.

  9. Anonymous

    Folks who meal prep on the weekend – what are some of your favorite cook-ahead meals that don’t require a lot of hands on time? I’m trying to make all my breakfasts and lunches, and a bunch of dinners, on the weekends, but it’s SO time consuming. Looking to streamline the process. Thanks!

    • Vicky Austin

      I like to throw together a tuna pasta salad for lunches – in the ten minutes it takes the pasta to cook, you chop up celery, red onion and let frozen peas thaw on the counter. Drain pasta, dump everything in a bowl, dress however you like (I use mayo, sour cream, a splash of lemon juice and a little salt, pepper and paprika). Portion out. 15 minutes tops.

      Also, I will forever recommend Budget Bytes. Meal prep tips, an entire category called “Quick” and intentionally cheap, healthy and filling recipes. A+ forever.

      • Vicky Austin

        Oh, and drain and add tuna to the salad. LOL. Can you tell it’s Friday?

      • Tippins

        Thanks for the recommendation. I’d never heard of Budget Bytes and it looks great!

    • BB

      I like to pre-cook veggies and some meats for use in dishes during the week. For example, I might roast up a bunch of eggplant and zucchini cubes so I can throw them into a pan with a jar of pasta sauce and have a healthy veggie pasta in 10 minutes. Same with stir fries where you don’t need the veggies to be super crisp. Fried rice where you have cooked rice and half-cooked veggies and cooked meats in various containers.

    • Anon

      I’m not a huge fan of eggs, so I make a double batch of Kodiak pancakes and add blueberries, and just reheat them in the morning.

      • anon

        Mmmm, this sounds delicious.

        My best tip for streamlining is to not reinvent the wheel all the time. Have your favorites, and get really good at preparing them, and it goes a little bit faster. I’ve also started paying more for convenience — frozen or pre-cut veggies are big time savers. (I save money with frozen, so that’s another thought.)

        I’ve also been buying salad mixes to use for work lunches later in the week, when most of the fresh veggies are gone and I don’t have much energy to prepare lunches.

        Some of my favorite stuff to prep:
        Boil eggs for breakfasts/snacks
        Prepare soup that doesn’t have a million ingredients and reheats well
        Chopping up meat/veggies for sheet-pan dinners
        Brown hamburger or ground turkey for tacos or spaghetti

        I’m not usually cooking entire meals (except the soup), but more cooking individual ingredients so I can throw dinner together more quickly, if that makes sense.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      Quiche, chicken salad, pasta salad (I do Mediterranea – short pasta, mozz, cherry tomatoes, olives, artichoke hearts, spinach, turkey pepperoni, pesto and EVOO for dressing), anything like a grain bowl. My favorite is the shrimped and herbed couscous salad from Southern Living – delicious warm or cold or room temp.

    • Anon

      I make rice or another grain, saute a large pan of greens (like kale, or TJ’s cruciferous crunch), oven bake a pan of boneless skinless chicken breast or thighs, cool, slice, and add to bowls with the rice, veggie, and 1/2 a pouch of Trader Joe’s Indian Fare (yellow tadka dal, tikka vegetables, jaipur vegetables, etc). Active time is ~20 minutes, I work on other stuff while I wait for the rice and chicken. I usually make 4 bowls at a time.

      If you’re willing to dedicate a little prep time to make things insanely easy down the road: I discovered these Pinch of Yum freezer meals and they’ve been a lifesaver. I don’t have an instant pot, but the crock pot has worked great. I made 4 per week for 3 weeks so I didn’t have to prep it all at once. I’ll definitely do the prep once per quarter for the total ease they bring later. https://pinchofyum.com/12-healthy-freezer-meals

    • Coach Laura

      In a crockpot or instant pot, dump:

      1.5lbs chicken breasts in the bottom
      1 can corn drained
      1 can black beans, drained
      1 packet taco mix or 1 tablespoon chili powder, 1/2 tsp cumin, 1/2 tsp oregano, 1/4 cayenne
      2 cloves garlic or equivalent garlic cubes from Trader Joes
      1 jar Trader Joe’s or other brand salsa 16 oz

      If using instant pot, put salsa in last and don’t stir it, just lightly mix. (Tomatoes on the bottom sometimes keeps the Instant Pot from coming to pressure.)

      25 minutes in instant pot, 4 hours in the slow cooker. Serve over rice with cheese, green onions, guacamole, tomatoes etc as toppings. Also freezes well without the toppings, which are added after reheating.

      You could also do this on the stovetop but I don’t know cooking times.

      Thekitchn has one where you add uncooked rice half-way through, which would work if you’re doing it at home on the weekends. I make Mexican brown rice in the instant pot with a little wild rice and 1/2 cup of salsa replacing 1/2 cup water, 30 minutes.

    • Miz Swizz

      For breakfast, I make an egg casserole with a hash brown layer, a meat, a veggie and some cheese. The basic recipe is:

      2 cups hash brown potatoes, thawed
      8 eggs
      1 cup milk
      breakfast meat
      2 cups cooked veg
      shredded cheese

      I put the hash browns in a greased casserole dish, then the meat and veg and cheese. Mix together the eggs and milk and pour over the top. Bake at 350 degrees for about 35 min. I usually cut it into 6 pieces so I can have breakfast for the week.

    • Don't assemble immediately

      My biggest tip is to batch-cook 1 or 2 types of meat (assuming you’re a carnivore). Husband and I are bodybuilder-types, so we eat a ton of protein. I usually cook 5-7 lbs. of meat with just garlic salt, pepper, and maybe onion. We can then make this into tacos, check + veggies, beef fried rice, whatever. The meat is already cooked, so it’s just a matter of reheating it with whatever side items and flavorings we want. Some of our go-tos:

      – Fried rice: make a big batch of rice and a big batch of meat (we use ground beef or turkey, or chicken), veggies (I tend to roughly mince carrots, mushrooms, and onion in a food processor and just cook it in with the ground meets), and then reheat it with an egg or two thrown in. I add soy sauce, garlic powder, a bit of cumin, and a bit of paprika for flavor.

      – Burrito/quesadilla/taco bowl: again with the plainly-seasoned big batch of meat that gets seasoned during the re-heating phase, rice that was made in a big batch, black beans made in a big batch, sour cream, cheese, avocado to garnish. Just scoop from each tuperware container onto a plate or pan, reheat in microwave or on stove, dinner is done is <10 minutes.

      – Chicken curry/chicken spaghetti: if you make cubed chicken in tomato sauce with garlic, onion, minced carrots and mushrooms, you can add either cumin/curry powder/chili paste/coconut milk OR oregano/basil/thyme/rosemary to the pan an it will turn into either curry or spaghetti. Fresh noodles take ~8 minutes to boil, so just add the seasonings to the pan on low heat

    • Due in December

      One thing I love to do for lunches in this season is vegetable soup (I also bring nuts and fruit to snack). I get this done quickly by having 2 nights a week that include roasted veggies for myself and DH. For example, cauliflower, broccoli, or Brussels sprouts. I will roast way to much (an entire Costco sized bag of broccoli, for example), and throw a quartered onion on the baking sheet as well. The next day, take leftovers, heat with chicken broth, purée, and done.

      For dinners, we tend to follow a formula: two nights a week of seasonally appropriate pasta, risotto, or pizza (making enough for leftovers on night two), one large batch crockpot receipe (making enough for leftovers on night two, and doing the crockpot outside in summer), one night of store bought rotisserie chicken plus roasted or barbecued veg plus salad (on grocery day, obviously), and two nights of a recipe using leftover rotisserie chicken (Thai chicken soup, tortilla soup, chicken enchiladas, Asian inspired chicken salad are favorites). That leaves one night to go out for sushi, do takeout, or do a one-night recipe at home. If we want more, then leftovers go for lunches.

      Also we toss the rotisserie chicken carcass in the crockpot with vegetable scraps to make the broth to add to the roasted vegetables for soups.

      • Due in December

        Just realized that is 8 days. Obviously this is more of a rotating than weekly basis!

  11. Fresh start

    I recently got the job I would have hoped to get 5 years ago. I’m close to an interesting city, I enjoy the work and find my colleagues stimulating. I’m 38 and I feel like I should be settled now, if not with kids at least married. Most of my friends are in that phase of life. Instead I am single, in Europe which is a twist I never expected in my life. I’m trying online dating, meetups etc and even though I haven’t met anyone yet things feel exciting.It has not been this way for the past couple of years.And even when I meet someone it recently dawned on me that I’d be okay dating them even though we may not get married. This is partly because some of the guys who message me are 4 or so years younger but our lifestyles and interests are similar. And also meeting different people has made me start to think alot more deeply about the kind of person I would like to settle down with if I do. (Before going on dates somehow I felt that I had to find a serious longterm relationship as soon as possible.) And yet I feel scared that I’ll lose some of this, all the good things that are happening. I’m posting partly because I wonder if others ever feel this way, feeling like you have to figure things out all over again in terms of what you want. And also in terms of being presented with options you did not know were available.

    • not sure if this helps

      Yes.
      I feel like this so much that I think your question is almost rhetorical and I want to make a cynical sarcastic answer to you like, OH NO YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN’T GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT THE REST OF US ARE JUST FINE IN OUR INSECURITY THANKS.

      I am nearing 40, with 3 kids, not sure if my husband and I even like each other, in debt up to my ears, severely underpaid, not on the career track I want, not with the opportunities I want. I like my friends and my kids and my volunteer stuff. Other than that I’M FINE WHY ARE YOU ASKING THANKS

      • Kat in VA

        I often get the panicky WHERE IS A COMPETENT ADULT TO HANDLE THIS PROBLEM and then I have to remember I am 47 and I AM THE ADULT.

        It creates a lot of stress, sometimes.

    • Anon

      I will comment as a 53 year old living a life I never could have imagined as a child or young adult. I think as we get older we more and more give ourselves permission to live the lives we gradually create for ourselves through our responses to the opportunities that come our way, rather than being frustrated that we are not living the lives we thought we could carefully plan.

      It sounds like you’re happy with moving along that path and if so, more power to you. It takes a lot of people a lot longer than 38 years to figure that out!

      • Anonymous

        “I think as we get older we more and more give ourselves permission to live the lives we gradually create for ourselves through our responses to the opportunities that come our way, rather than being frustrated that we are not living the lives we thought we could carefully plan.”

        This is beautiful. And apt.

      • Scarlett

        100% this. I found once I gave myself permission to look for someone I found compelling and not someone else’s version of who I should be dating, permission just to date for fun, and permission to “try on” different men and different relationships, I did figure out what I wanted. And I knew it when I saw it – married my now husband at 40, six months after we met. Almost four years later we still feel the excitement of having met our person. Getting older is the best, frankly.

      • Ness

        Perfect!
        I move with 36 to London, being single when everyone around me was getting married and having babies. It was difficult for me at the begining to meet “people as me” there, Meetup did not work and not interested in dating webs, apps. A friend’s relative recomended me http://www.internations.org and that change my life there. It is NOT a dating website but full of profesionals expats. Not sure if they have a comunity in a city near you.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am like Anon at 4:30 p.m. When I was younger I would never have dared to imagine the life I have now. But oh my gosh it took a whole lot of giving up on “figuring it all out” to get here!

      OP, I am delighted that things feel exciting for you! Embrace it! The miracles can’t happen until you have the courage to put yourself out there, which is what you are doing! Congratulations!

      • Ellen

        I agree with Senor Attorney. I think you are alot like me, so enjoy everything and do NOT forget to stop and smell the roses. As far as guys are concerned, remember they are not all reliable, but you should sample the wares to see if they do pan out. Some men will mislead you, but that does not mean you stop trying new ones b/c all it take’s is one, and if you are into him and he is into you, and the s-x is good, that is a foundation you can build on. Good luck to you as you navigate in these new waters.

  12. Anonymous

    I recently got the job I would have hoped to get 5 years ago. I’m close to an interesting city, I enjoy the work and find my colleagues stimulating. I’m 38 and I feel like I should be settled now, if not with kids at least married. Most of my friends are in that phase of life. Instead I am single, in Europe which is a twist I never expected in my life. I’m trying online dating, meetups etc and even though I haven’t met anyone yet things feel exciting.It has not been this way for the past couple of years.And even when I meet someone it recently dawned on me that I’d be okay dating them even though we may not get married. This is partly because some of the guys who message me are 4 or so years younger but our lifestyles and interests are similar. And also meeting different people has made me start to think alot more deeply about the kind of person I would like to settle down with if I do. (Before going on dates somehow I felt that I had to find a serious longterm relationship as soon as possible.) And yet I feel scared that I’ll lose some of this, all the good things that are happening. I’m posting partly because I wonder if others ever feel this way, feeling like you have to figure things out all over again in terms of what you want. And also in terms of being presented with options you did not know were available.

  13. Anon

    Does anyone use Vanguard personal advisor services (i.e., their ongoing portfolio management service), and do you think it adds sufficient value to be worth it? We have taken the first step and got a financial plan through Vanguard. We could either attempt to manage our accounts ourselves (neither my husband nor I currently know how to do that, though), or we could sign up for their portfolio management service which is 0.3% and would cost us around $1500-2000/yr. That seems like a lot of money to me, but I wonder if it is worth it to have someone rebalance the accts quarterly and also have financial advisors “on tap” for any future advice we’d want. We’re smart people but not terribly financially savvy, so this is outside our wheelhouses. Would appreciate any opinions but particularly advice/anecdotes of ppl who have used this service w/ vanguard.

    • BB

      So I’m not the perfect person to answer this because I just started with the service, so no experience to base this on. But it feels like the right service level and cost balance for me. There is a good review of the service on the Dough Roller site where someone did what you did and then didn’t go through with the actual service. But he makes really good points about why you would/wouldn’t use it.

      For me, I’m very boring, lazy, and conservative in my investments. And I also really don’t want to have to think about actively doing much with my money. I’d rather not have to even think about re-balancing (yes, I realize this is pretty easy, but see the lazy point). I also like having the advisor on tap and have already gotten good advice from them. That felt like good enough to pay the 0.3%. At least it is worth trying for a year to see if I like it because you can always take off the service and do your own investing with Vanguard later.

    • Anon

      I use it and feel that it’s probably worth it, but I also think I could do a decent job on my own. We pay about $600 a year for it and it seems like it’s probably a good investment, but I might consider finding my own index funds and doing a set-and-forget approach myself.

  14. Violent Cat

    When is a cat too violent and when is it right to put her down?

    I have a 15 year old cat who has always been very clear about her boundaries but willing to put up with grooming under protest. She has arthritis and can’t get everywhere anymore.

    Lately, she is becoming physically violent, biting and scratching whenever I try to even touch her. I lost it this morning and took her to the vet so they can examine her and sedate her to clean her up and get rid of some matts that I haven’t been able to address.

    My arms are scratched up and this is not fun. I’ve been crying all morning.

    If she were a dog, there’s no question. But…cats. What do you wise women think?

      • Anonymous

        +1 it sounds like she’s responding to pain. Hugs to you – taking her to the vet was the right call, but just dealing with this kind of thing is so difficult.

    • Anon

      I think I’d only put her down if she seemed to be in pain. Otherwise I’d stop grooming her and give her the space she wants.

      • Violent Cat

        I agree with you and did exactly that until it became unacceptable. One of the places she can’t clean is her bottom. We don’t let people sit around with dirty bottoms, why should a cat? The mats are pretty bad; last year they got to the point where the vet said they were probably painful.

          • Anon

            Of course see what the vet says, but it does sound like it might be time. We had to put down a cat last year, and in retrospect, we held on to her too long. I wish we had paid more attention sooner to her lack of grooming as a sign of pain/decline in her quality of life. I’m so sorry. It’s really hard.

    • Anon

      Is the vet doing a physical? In my experience, many cats become violent when ill, so it may be a physical cause. Assuming they don’t find anything, I personally would probably get some good gloves and deal with it. I’ve had to put two cats down when they became very sick, and I just can’t picture doing that to a cat I’ve loved for 15 years if there were any other options.

    • Anonymous

      Often this means there is something physically wrong – she’s experiencing a level of pain that cause her to lash out. Taking her to the vet was the right call, hopefully they can find the cause of the issue.

    • Marshmallow

      What does the vet think? If the cat has arthritis and is biting and scratching at any attempt to touch her, that sounds like pain to me. Also sounds like she isn’t grooming herself, another indicator of pain.

      Sadly I would put her down if she were in constant pain. But if she’s just getting grumpy in her old age and doesn’t want to be touched, no, you don’t put her down. But the vet can tell you which it is.

      I don’t understand the reference to a dog, though. Are you implying you are more likely to put down a cat or a dog for the same underlying reason? Doesn’t make sense but I guess it’s irrelevant. Tell your vet you’re concerned and see what they say.

      • Anonymous

        Not the OP, but I think the distinction with a dog is that, if a dog (at least one larger than a cat) is violent, even toward its owner, it is likely to bite and could seriously injure a person or another dog. Scratches from a cat can be painful, especially if the cat won’t let you trim its nails (and it sounds like this one wouldn’t), but they’re not usually serious injuries, and there are technically ways to protect yourself, like wearing gloves, as one person suggested. That said, I agree that it sounds like the cat is in pain, and it’s probably time.

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry this sounds so hard. Wait and see what the vet has to say. Is kitty on a special diet or pain meds?

      My cat is about that age and started showing some signs of joint issues a few years ago. He was also pretty overweight. The vet recommended a special food to help with his inflammation and some unrelated issues. I also started feeding kitty a lot less (which… did not go over well. actually it’s been like 2 years and it’s still not going over well). He’s lost some weight and seems to be much happier overall (except at meal time – he looks at me like what that’s all? where’s the rest of it???).

    • Violent Cat

      She has chronic pain with the arthritis so she’s on an NSAID. The vet is doing a physical today and is actually a really awesome vet who specializes in cats. She has torn through thick leather gloves already. Work gloves are too stiff for me to handle her without feeling like I’m being too rough. She’s attacked our other two cats and me so I really hope the vet finds something! I don’t want her to live in pain.

      • Anonymous

        It seems like the easy answer if think her pain isn’t being managed is to trial some stronger pain medication and see where that gets you. Or maybe this is something easy to treat like a UTI.
        But, there may be an underlying cause to pain (like cancer) that will require more intense interventions. What are your limits for those scenarios? Assume it is cancer, what treatments do you want to pursue and what quality of life can you expect? If the answer is, we would only give palliative care, then maybe you don’t chase down every answer aside from getting her pain managed and her quality of life back to normal. I realize that this sound super cold, but it was a really helpful mental exercise that our vet took us through last year for our senior dog.

        • Anon

          Yes, this is a difficult calculus, but it’s worth thinking about. I had a dog earlier this year who got very sick. The vet ended up saying that he probably had stomach cancer, but the test to do that was very expensive and invasive and treatment was very very unlikely to work. With her help, I decided that no matter what the result was, I’d only do palliative care so did not get the cancer tests.

          I’m sorry you went through that, and also I’m sorry for the OP about her cat. Knowing when is the hardest part of being a pet owner, sometimes.

    • Horse Crazy

      I agree with the above comments – you should have the vet do some tests. We recently took one of my cats to the vet because he was screaming when picked up, which he is normally fine with. It turns out he had a urinary obstruction and had to be rushed to the emergency vet, where he stayed for 3 days (hello, $2500 vet bill!). The vet said if we had waited a few more hours, he could have died. So I would get her checked out.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like the cat is sick and/or in pain, maybe from the arthritis, maybe from another underlying condition. If that’s the case, then I think the question becomes whether the pain or illness can be managed so that the cat is at least comfortable–if not, then it’s time.

      • Anonymous

        I agree it sounds like pain. But lashing out to me signifies some will to live, as does continuing to eat. I know it’s hard with cats because they don’t do well with pain meds.

    • Violent Cat

      Thank you for your responses! She’s a very old cat who I love dearly and want some more time with.

      The vet called and the cat has high blood pressure. Apparently, this can make cats just go berserk (a technical term, I’m told). We are going to try a calcium channel blocker to bring that down. So we will see. Thank you everyone! I was in a real bad place today!

    • Anonymous

      I let it go way too long with our dog and I will never do that again. By the time we put him down he was having near-constant seizures despite heavy meds, was incontinent, could barely walk, etc. What they say is true – it’s better to do it a day too soon than a day too late. I don’t know if that will help but wanted to share. Also want to share, my heart goes out to you.

  15. Anon

    I’m trying to find something similar to the LV multicartes. Any brand or store suggestions? I’m not looking for a knockoff, just something with a similar layout.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Chinchilly is a nice gray I love on other people, but looks terrible on my skintone. I love Essie’s Mochacino as an alternative that looks nice on me.

    • Marshmallow

      Chanel New Dawn is great if you need a touch of pink/purple undertones.

    • NOLA

      Essie Cocktail Bling is a nice light gray (not sure I understand the name – no bling) and Zoya Freja is my favorite gunmetal.

  17. anon4this

    A female relative recently moved in with us as in the temporary-to-medium term. She is evidently coming from an emotionally/verbally abusive situation (possibly physically as well). I like my relative, but we are not emotionally close (our family is very emotionally closed off). How do I tell/encourage her to get professional counseling help? I’m happy to listen and support her, but she really needs something more than I am capable of providing.

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I think all you can do is suggest it once and offer to help her find resources that are free or covered by her insurance if she has health insurance.

    • Good luck

      I would say it exactly as you said it here, “Wow! I’m so glad that I can support you – but I am telling you as a friend and also knowing our weird family, that you really need something more than I am capable of providing” and then YES help her find financially-feasible therapy.

  19. anon

    What are you doing to unwind this weekend? October is such a busy month at work that I really just want to hibernate at home, but with small kids around, that’s not exactly restorative (or possible) at times. I may escape for a pedicure or yoga class at some point.

    • SC

      We have a 3-year-old, and we’ve started a routine (or “tradition”) of pizza and movie nights on Friday nights. Everyone’s tired from the week, and it’s nice to cuddle on the couch and take some time off from cooking dinner and doing the full night-time routine. I always feel more recharged on Saturdays if we take Friday nights off.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m picking up knitting again, which I haven’t done for probably two years. I’m terrible at it, but I’m not getting worse!

      • Another anonymous judge

        Just make sure you don’t wave Joseph at the girls by mistake for a knitting needle while they are unpacking in Patty’s Place.

  20. ced

    chaperoning a field trip to NYC this weekend! What to wear? Nothing fancy dress-wise planned, but I feel like I don’t want to be “touristy midwestern mom”

    • SC

      This may not help fashion-wise, but wear comfortable shoes! People who live in NYC wear comfortable shoes on days they plan to walk miles. When I lived in NYC, a relative came to visit, and she decided to wear boots with 2-inch heels so she didn’t look like a tourist. I promise, she looked like a tourist when we were alternating between hobbling between midtown landmarks and stopping in a coffee shop to rest her feet every few blocks. It’s OK to be a touristy midwestern mom :-)

    • Anon

      Start from the bottom with shoes you can walk in and take it from there. I can’t think what you would wear that would scream touristy midwestern mom, honestly. There are plenty of people who live in NYC wearing jeans and sneakers. It’s not personally my favorite look but practicality is key for all the walking you’re likely to be doing.

    • Lots to Learn

      I’m not a New Yorker, but every time I visit the city, I feel completely out of place if I’m wearing any color in my outfit. I’m sure I’m exaggerating, but it feels like everyone is wearing black and white and gray and that’s it. So I really try to bring clothes in those colors so as not to stand out so much.

    • Anonymous

      Logo T-shirts, particularly brand new NYC shirts or Under Armor T shirts, scream touristy to me. But really, just own it. You are a tourist, it’s okay – enjoy the city! Weather is supposed to be nice.

    • Marshmallow

      You will definitely look like a tourist if you are chaperoning a group, but so what! Comfy shoes (flat booties or cute sneakers), muted colors, jeans, are all good. Weather will be beautiful this weekend, in the mid-60s, so you just want a light jacket.

    • NYNY

      It’s going to feel like Fall this weekend, so make sure you have a good jacket and maybe a light scarf to layer. This time of year, I tend to wear jeans and 3/4 sleeve t-shirts a lot, and either booties or sneakers – mine are old-school Pumas – as footwear. Or I’d wear a casual dress, basically a t-shirt extended to knee-length, with a hoodie and the same boots or sneakers.

      It’s true we wear a lot of black here. Not gonna lie.

    • Anon

      Respectfully, why do you care that people who you will not interact with or ever see again in your life will know that you don’t live in NYC? There’s really nothing wrong with that.

      • Anonymama

        Hah, I’m actually picturing her leaning into the midwestern mom normcore look (mom jeans, bright white tennis shoes, oversized sweatshirt) and then blending in completely with the trendy young New Yorkers.

  21. Managing Big Projects

    When there’s a huge project with a distant completion date, how do you manage it? Without external pressures or requirements to meet smaller deadlines, what do you do that keeps you on a pace or otherwise prevents it from being a panic no-sleep chunk of time the week before it’s due?

    • Anonymous

      I break it down into a list of the sub projects, and make myself do SOMETHING on the list every day.

  22. Ugh

    Way Anon for this (serious) question. Sorry in advance for the length.

    Short version: How upset would you be if you discovered your spouse had been spending a significant amount of money visiting c@m girl sites and lied to you about it?

    Long version: My husband and I have been married for almost six years. He has a VERY HIGH s3x drive. We have two kids (3 and 5) and have also had two miscarriages in the last fourteen months. Between feeling exhausted from work, kids, pregnancies, miscarriages, and feeling generally unattractive, my drive has admittedly been very low in the last couple of years. I went on lexapro for awhile for anxiety and depression, but went off when I found out I was pregnant. I haven’t started taking it again because we’re still on the fence about trying to get pregnant again.

    About six months ago, I found my husband asleep in bed with an active c@m girl site running on his phone. I was pretty upset about it, explained to him that I view it differently than non-interactive p0rn, and he said he wouldn’t do it again. My husband is currently out of town for work. Last night on a hunch, I checked his email account and he is still using the site. I called him and told him I was disappointed that he breached our agreement. He promised he never interacted with the c@m girls or paid them money to perform specific acts. He promised to never use the site again. We didn’t have a huge fight but it wasn’t really resolved either. This morning I checked our credit card account and discovered he has spent over $1300 in the last year and a half on the site. Then I figured out how to log into his account on the site, which has a log to track transactions and conversations. It turns out he does, in fact, interact with the c@m girls and request specific acts. He also went on the site and participated in something THIS MORNING, after we had our talk last night. I forwarded him a copy of the transaction log, and he says logged in this morning out of spite because he was mad I checked his email.

    I just feel… awful. I feel betrayed and foolish and alone. I know I’m not blameless here – I would be mad if he went through my emails. But I’m not sure where to go from here. How big a deal is this? What would you do? I don’t want to rugsweep but I also don’t want to blow this hugely out of proportion. I feel like people will suggest marriage counseling, but I can’t imagine what a counselor would say that would make me feel better about this.

    • Anonymous

      The fact that he did something hurtful out of spite and all the lying is a huge problem. That’s what the counseling would address if you want to try and save your marriage.

      I’d divorce him because I would consider this cheating. And I say that as someone who has done a lot of marriage counselling to make my marriage work, and we are now in a good place. I don’t take divorce lightly but I don’t think I would be able to get over the lying and spitefulness in addition to the cheating.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry. It would be burn it all down over for me. I would get a lawyer and start setting aside money.

      • Anonymous

        Me too. (And I don’t consider myself anti-porn and am well aware my husband watches it regularly.)

    • Anonymous

      Counseling would be good here for both of you. For the depression issues, for the medication issues (consider Zoloft), for the body image issues, and for deciding what you want your marriage to look like. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything irreparable here, but your husband’s needs aren’t being met – imagine if the tables were turned and he, for example, wasn’t helping you with chores. You’d go to counseling for that, right? Both parties in a marriage need their needs met. Exploring reasonable ways to meet those needs is what a partnership is all about.

      • Anonymous

        What? The equivalent of paying women to perform specific s3x acts and lying about it is nowhere near the same ballpark as being frustrated that someone forgot to unload the dishwasher.

        OP – you’d be totally justified to leave him over this.

      • Anonymous

        Please. This isn’t about his “needs” – no man *needs* to have interactive chats with women online where they perform sex acts at his request. That’s cheating, not watching porn.

    • Anonymous

      Divorce lawyer. He’s lying to you and cheating on you. Do not get pregnant again. He doesn’t care, feels entitled to do this, and will never change.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to “Do not get pregnant again.” You are already in a whirlpool of emotions and decisions. Pregnancy will add another layer. No need to do that to yourself at this juncture.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 and adding that he’s an addict. This is textbook addict behavior. He needs help. You did nothing wrong.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not going to recommend counseling, I recommend just solo counseling. If you don’t want to see someone with your husband, that is fine. But it sounds like you’re in a situation that you need some help with. You mentioned a lot of stuff, get some help!

    • anon a mouse

      I’m so sorry. He is an addict. Addicts are often the last to realize that there is a problem. You have to decide what you need from him, and what you will do if he can’t deliver. Therapy? No more money? No more sites?

      Therapy for yourself, at a minimum, to give you a safe space to sort through this. I’m sorry.

    • Anonymous

      Whoa. I don’t even know what this kind of site is (I’m guessing something more interactive than videos?) but I think a bigger problem is all the lying? He told you he wasn’t using the site when he was, then he told you was using the site but not doing anything interactive, but he was, and he did it again this morning right after discussing this with you. This isn’t about his drive – no guy needs to get off multiple times a day, especially when they know their wife is feeling hurt or upset about what they’re doing. This sounds like it’s bordering on an addiction. I know you’re against it but I think counseling could be helpful – a good counselor will call him out on how inappropriate this is.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t get what you’re saying. This isn’t just looking at pics, it’s something more? Like talking to them??

      • Anonymous

        Not OP but I understand it to be paying to talk to them and have them perform acts on camera at his specific direction. And then lying to her about it.

    • Anon

      I think there are three separate issues here:

      1) The money – Would I be thrilled to know my husband was spending money on porn? No, of course not. But $1300 in 18 months isn’t a *huge* amount of money (it’s ~$70 month, which is akin to cable TV), and assuming that this isn’t money spent at the expense of other things your family needs, then I guess I don’t think money is the real issue here. Obviously a different story if this is an amount of money that your family can’t afford to part with.

      2) The porn – like you, I personally am ok with videos but not interactive sites, but some people are ok with neither or both. I don’t think anyone can say whether you or he is being more objectively reasonable, but you’re not on the same page and that’s a problem (and this is exactly the kind of thing counseling is designed to help with).

      3) The lying and snooping – to me, this is the big one. He’s lied to you over and over again and you’re snooping through his emails. There’s a huge breakdown in honesty and trust and yes you need counseling. A counselor won’t be able to say something that will magically undo this incident, but they will help you figure out how to trust each other again (or decide that it’s irreparable and you’re better off apart).

    • Anonymous

      This is a big deal. He has violated your trust and lied to you. You went through his emails because he was lying and you wanted to find out how much. A counselor isn’t going to say something to make you feel better, he or she is going to–hopefully–help you and your husband understand why he is doing this, help him see why he cannot, and help cause him to change his behavior in ways that may, eventually, make you feel better. I would insist on marriage counseling and see a counselor solo to help you figure out other boundaries. It sounds like he may be a sex addict. Sending hugs and strength.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. I don’t want to speak for you, but if it were me, I would divorce him. Using the sites at all, lying about it, and spending your joint money are all dealbreakers. Porn and cam-girl sites aren’t just innocent little diversions, either. Your husband is exploiting women and betraying you at the same time. You can do better and you deserve better.

    • Anon

      I’m so sorry. You’ve already told him that this crosses a line you consider cheating, and he continues doing it. He lies to you and spends significant money that he’s not telling you about. I’d leave him. I really would. The trust is gone, and he clearly places his addiction or hobby above you.

    • Marshmallow

      This would absolutely be grounds for divorce for me. I’m sorry. It’s not so much about finding it the first time or the money, it’s that he lied, kept doing something he’d promised he wouldn’t do, and then did it AGAIN after you caught him the second time.

      Also, you ARE blameless here. You checked his email because he was lying to you. Don’t let him gaslight you about needing his privacy or trust or whatever. He broke your trust about something major, he doesn’t get privacy.

      • Anon

        +1 on the gaslighting. He’s trying to turn it around on you. This is the calling card of a manipulative liar, and that’s the nicest description I can come up with

    • Anonymous

      There are several things that are definitely a big deal–he lied to you, he is doing something against your wishes after agreeing not to, he is behaving out of “spite” instead of having a conversation about how he feels, and he’s spending a substantial amount of money on something he knows you disagree with. Those are all issues that need to be addressed, apart from the porn/s*x stuff.

      It’s valid to be uncomfortable with this type of s*te. To me, it feels like there’s something too personal, especially when there’s interaction. I wouldn’t necessarily think it’s a huge deal if my husband did it, as long as he stopped when I requested.

      I’ve read my husband’s emails before, when I suspected something was up. In our case, it was purely financial (he lied for several months about whether he had done some freelance work/whether he was going to receive several thousand dollars, at a time he was unemployed and money was tight). I was very upset and felt incredibly betrayed when I realized he wasn’t working and was lying to me about it. When I confronted him, he was remorseful. We spent months repairing our relationship and rebuilding trust. He also sought treatment for depression, which has helped. He never questioned me reading his emails, but I’ve reflected on it–all I can say is that it’s a sign of distrust, but my husband was behaving in an untrustworthy manner.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not on team divorce him, but I think you need to figure out the underlying issue and whether you can work that out. If my s3x drive was mismatched from my spouse, I’d prefer that he use a site like that one than approach me about an open marriage. I don’t like the lying about it, but perhaps he’s trying to meet his needs and yours by not telling you about it (reminds me of the secret spousal smokers from the other day). It sounds like you need to have a conversation about your s3x needs and you need to figure out if you can live with his solution to it.

      • Anonymous

        I think there are lots of ways to meet a higher sex drive that don’t involve open marriages or chatting with live women and requesting they perform specific acts in front of you. My husband has a higher drive than me and I know he watches videos and gardens by himself, which I’m fine with. But this is a whole different level.

        I also think it sounds like he’s addicted to this stuff – running to the site immediately after having a conversation with her about how she’s upset about it isn’t because he has a higher drive – it’s become a behavior he’s addicted to and he can’t stop, even long enough to have an in-depth conversation with his wife about it.

        • Anonymous

          I’m glad that works for you and your husband. My point is I think s3xual needs and compatibility is the issue, and that isn’t a jump to divorce issue. I think there’s a lot of room to work that out within a couple, and I agree that lying isn’t the way to go. Ideally, they would have had a conversation a long time ago, but that ship sailed, so time to get talking now. I just think divorce is an extreme reaction to a pretty common and normal issue.

    • Ugh (OP)

      OP here. Thanks everyone for the insightful and helpful comments. In response to a few comments:

      The money is not particularly important, but it’s not an insignificant amount of money for us. I haven’t made an extravagant purchase in ages because our expenses (childcare, house) are pretty high right now.

      I am not seriously considering divorce. I do agree with the posters who cautioned me not to get pregnant, which is upsetting because I’m 36 and have had fertility issues in the past, so I think that probably means no more kids at all. That’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world, but it feels like a loss right now.

      Another upsetting factor is that we had discussed me quitting my job in a few months to stay at home, which I would really like to do for a few years. I think that is now off the table as well. I would be a fool to leave the workforce now. I really had my hopes up to keep trying for a third kid and take a break from work, so this is just A LOT at once.

      I think we probably will explore individual and couples counseling, because it seems like the only real option to move forward. One issue I’m having trouble wrapping my head around is how to fix our mismatched s3x drives, especially now that I’m angry and upset and not at all inclined to want to sleep with him. UGH.

  23. anon

    Looks like I will be drowning my sorrows this weekend. What drink goes with the rapid decline of democratic institutions?

  24. Tetra

    I’m looking for sturdy leather flats to replace several pairs of the J Crew Factory Anya, my workhorse flats that have all worn out. I’d like to find something with a little more cushioning. Any suggestions? Up to $150. Thanks!

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I haven’t worn the Anya. I wear the Sam Edelman Felicia. I have back problems and they have adequate cushioning for that.

    • Anonymous

      I really like my tieks – there is not a ton of cushioning but they’ve been the most comfortable option ive ever found – its free shipping and free returns so if you try them on inside and dont love them – you can send them back (just dont wear them outside – then they cannot be returned)

  25. Anonymous

    Brett is in. Cue all liberals everywhere including 99% of my Facebook feed with – OMG I’m gutted; o want to puke; I’m screaming in my head etc etc. Let’s get over it, shall we? 99% of what Sup Ct does has no impact on your life. Move onto the next crisis.

    • Anon

      Miguel Estrada’s wife essentially committed suicide because of the nastiness of the Democrats. Estrada would have been a great S. Ct. pick after being on a lower court, so his lower court nomination was blocked with all sorts of insanity.

      Don’t want someone on the Court? Just vote no. If your party has the power, just straight-up block it. But enough of the Borking, character assassination, and dragging good people through the mud because you don’t like their interpretations of the Establishment Clause or the Ninth Amendment.

      I do think that the judiciary affects our lives, but am revolted by watching degenerate moral scumbags rip good people to shreds and then take the moral high ground.

      And let’s be real: this is all about the right to continue to literally rip human beings to shreds.

      Cry all you want, but get off the moral high horse and into the gutter where you belong.

      • Anonymous

        This. You all didn’t have the majority so now live with those that do.

      • Anonymous

        “this is all about the right to continue to literally rip human beings to shreds.”

        And republicans will just keep doing that to anyone who isn’t an old white dude.

      • Anon

        Why do you feel compelled to serve as the great defender of rapists? Why not advocate for any of the many qualified conservative judges who aren’t rapists?

      • Anonymous

        If your theory were correct, Gorsuch would have been “attacked”. He wasn’t. So this really is about this particular jurist. Also, if you are a Fox News fan, recall the months where you all were gleeful about the Democrats being taken out by MeToo.

      • Anonymama

        I think you are not quite clear on the concept of “literally”. Kavanaugh has not been “literally” ripped to shreds, you could argue that his reputation has figuratively been torn a bit, but I’d argue that he’s done a decent amount of the damage by his own deeds. Like Clarence Thomas before him, he’s going to sit on the Supreme Court, live in a nice house, work with excellent colleagues, send his kids to the best private schools, and be treated with extreme deference by almost everyone in his life. If that’s being ripped to shreds sign me up.

    • east coaster

      until they’ve turned around on roe/planned parenthood v casey, and you’re pregnant when you don’t want to be, and you can’t afford to go to another country for an abortion

      • Anonymous

        Because there were NO abortions in America before. None. Never happened. Oh yeah – the need for abortions is directly proportional to how much one sleeps around. Not many people within marriages are worried about aborting.

        • Anon

          False. About half of abortions in the U.S. are obtained by women who are married or cohabitating (Guttmacher, 2014).

        • Anonymous

          Your disregard for the facts here is profound. MANY married women have abortions, it’s not about ”sleeping around.” I know two personally who have – one was my cousin. In one case, the family already had 2 kids and simply couldn’t afford a third. “Just give it up for adoption” is a nice sentiment but my friend thought it would be confusing for the older children and might instill fear that they too would be given away. Then my cousin had a very wanted pregnancy but the fetus was not viable and would have died soon after birth. This was pre Obamacare and they would also have quickly hit the lifetime max on their insurance during this child’s very short life, leaving themselves and any future children uninsured.

          If you really want to reduce abortions (which is a worthy goal I agree with, fwiw) then you’d make birth control universally available and give everyone health insurance. Study after study has shown that these are the best methods of deceasing the number of abortions. But you don’t really want to do that, so you? You just want to punish women for having sex.

        • Kat in VA

          Bullshit regarding abortions within marriage. I’ve had four (planned, same husband) kids, four c-sections, was cautioned against tying my tubes at the time of the last delivery, and still quite actively garden with my husband. He hasn’t gotten a vasectomy for multiple reasons, and while I take birth control assiduously, carefully, and with a great eye toward NOT getting pregnant…if I were to catch pregnant, I would be getting a D&C in a heartbeat.

          So don’t fucking tell me abortions haven’t been around all the time – not the safe, medical ones we have not. Fuck right off with that slut shaming shit. God forbid women should enjoy casual sex like men do.

    • Anonymous

      yeah so weird how all those liberals love the country enough to think the SC deserves better than a drunken rapey dude bro on the bench. Even Scalia is probably rolling in his grave.

      Sorry that you aren’t that patriotic.

      • Anonymous

        Right. I’m SURE he’s a 53 year old frat bro still. He didn’t leave that behind 20 or 30 years ago.

        • Anonymama

          In his own words, he definitely still likes beer. He likes beer. He likes to drink beer. And he straight up lied to the Senate and the American people about his drinking habits as a younger man. And his colleagues from Yale told women applying for clerkships with him that he liked women to look a certain way, like models (I think Amy Chua is a bit of a weirdo).

      • Anon

        Would you be okay with a female Supreme Court nominee being shamed for her alcohol consumption?

        Would you be okay with a woman Supreme Court nominee being accused of promiscuous sex with a man she had literally never even met?

        Because that’s basically what you’re doing to Brett Kavanaugh. The guy had alcohol – OH NOES!! – and was falsely accused of attempted rape by a woman he has LITERALLY NEVER EVEN MET.

        In two days, some aging broad here will wonder where “all the good men are,” and won’t ever connect the fact that accusing a nerdy virgin of raping a chick he’s never met might maaaybe be the kind of thing that makes decent people run away from you.

        • Anonymous

          Oh fuck off. He’s not being shamed for drinking or having sex. He’s being shamed for lying (under oath) about it and sexually assaulting six different women. But sure, if you want to tell yourself they’re ALL false accusations, go right ahead.

          And he admits he knew Dr. Ford casually, so you’re wrong on that too.

    • Anonymous

      I second the F&CK YOU. This isn’t about the Supreme Court. This is about the message sent to my 7 month old daughter, which is that a man who sexually assaults her will suffer no consequences and will in fact be rewarded with the biggest, most prestigious job in his profession, even if she has the courage to come forward and tell people what he did to her.

      I’m crying and it’s not about the rulings the Court will make with Kavanaugh on it. Anyone else Trump nominated would have been just as conservative. It’s about not wanting a man who has attempted to rape one woman and been accused of sexual misconduct by half a dozen others, to be elevated to this position of power and prestige.

      • Anonymous

        Maybe you can teach your 7 month old that she’s responsible for her actions so drinking with teen boys isn’t the best of ideas? Oh wait. Let me guess personal responsibity makes you scream VICTIM BLAMING. Instead you’ll just sit around lamenting that the world isn’t what it SHOULD BE.

        • Anonymous

          So being raped is a reasonable consequence for drinking under age? What are Brett Kavanaugh’s consequences for “drinking with teenage girls”? Oh right, just a lifetime appointment on the nation’s highest court.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, the who get raped is responsible not the boy who forcibly held her down on a bed and covered her mouth when she screamed. Go straight to hell.

        • Anon

          That’s nice that you think all boys are rapists, and that you would blame a 7 month old for her choices. Crawl back into your hole.

        • Anonymous

          Drinking isn’t consent. Nor is going on a date. Or walking down the street. Only consent is consent.

        • Anonymama

          And we wonder why so many women don’t report rape and assault. This is why. Like you think if you make all the right choices it won’t happen to you, only those women who are irresponsible, who do dumb things, who drink too much or don’t say the right thing or wear the right thing or go to the wrong parties get raped. I hope it never happens to you.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          Absolutely horrified by this comment. Yes, don’t drink because then you may get raped and it will be your fault because you drank! Wow. What about the girl who doesn’t realize how her tolerance has decreased? Why do men get to drink whatever they want and not face any consequences? I don’t understand women like you. Ultimately, the world would be a better place without women like you. Harsh I know, but is it the truth? YES!!!!

      • Anonymous

        +1

        Or have any friends if OP’s feed is filled with ‘liberals’ who they disagree with.

        OP, enjoy your Friday night at home scrolling through the FB feed of people who DNGAF about you.

    • Horse Crazy

      No impact on your life? Of course it impacts your life. Do you enjoy the right to choose? Good luck doing that after they overturn Roe v. Wade. Do you like earning more than $2 an hour? Thank the Supreme Court for establishing equal minimum wage. Do you take interracial marriage for granted? We all do, because the Supreme Court legalized it. Want your kid strip-searched at school? Probably not, and they won’t be, because the Supreme Court declared that to be an invasion of privacy. Maybe you should do a little thinking before you spew words over the Internet.

  26. Cat

    My mom announced she wants an iPod Shuffle for Christmas… except Apple discontinued them last year. I see there’s a few scattered here or there on Amazon or eBay but does anyone have a recommended current alternative? (She wants it for when she’s *literally* gardening or exercising, so she doesn’t have to worry about damaging a screen.)

    • Annie

       Could you post an ISO on a neighborhood listserv or fb buy sell group? I bet plenty of people have one in their closet they’d be willing to sell for cheap.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had a philips GoGear for ages, pretty robust, with real buttons (no touchscreen). It looks like it has been discontinued, but amazon sellers still have a couple.

    • anonymous

      Are you sure? I thought when they discontinued the iPod they kept the iPod shuffle because there are enough athletes/etc. out there to keep the iPod shuffle demand up. Up until Apple Music somehow made it impossible for me to put most of my music on my iPod shuffle I always used that for working out.

  27. Driving gloves for sun protection?

    Hi wise women. I commute about 8 hours a week in sunny california and have been diligent about applying sunscreen to my face and neck, but realizing I need to protect my hands and forearms. Does anyone use or recommend gloves or sleeves for sun protection? A little apprehensive because it looks a little silly. Have been thinking maybe I will just use my Mott 50 jacket that covers my hands because that looks less strange unless someone has a better idea? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      It may make more sense to get your windshield UV tinted to provide better protection. Then you won’t have to rely on gloves. If you’re not where to go, your dermatologist will probably have a list.

    • Celia

      Why not put sunscreen on your hands? I use an inexpensive face cream with SPF on my hands and fore arms (to avoid the farmer’s tan), and the “good stuff” on my face and neck.

    • Anonymous

      I use regular sunscreen, like Banana Boat, on my forearms and hands, and reapply during the day.

  28. Hollis

    I’m looking for advice on non-stick pans that don’t have cancer-causing chemicals in them. Has anyone here looked into this and do you have any recommendations? Our last ones are from more than 10 years ago and I’m worried about scratches, etc. Also, do people avoid using nylon spatulas since they are made of plastic and touch really hot foods?

    • Anonny

      The meat products you eat are actually carcinogens, as classified by the WHO, I’d start there.

    • Anom

      I’ve switched to cast iron, enamel coated cast iron and stainless steel. There is no true substitute for Teflon, but there are alternatives. Also, can use metal for iron and stainless, and silicon or wood/bamboo for all three.

  29. Anon for this

    How do I handle this situation? Just learned secondhand that a partner is leaving for a competing firm. He’s talked to me about leaving before and essentially promised he would take me with him if he left (small office, his absence will have a major impact on work, office stability, etc). Not a single word from him now that it’s actually happening, though. I’m hurt, disappointed, and scared about the disruption. Are there self-preservation steps I need to take? Just sit tight?

    • Rely on yourself....

      Sounds like you want to go with him and are finding he forgot that he “essentially promised he would take you with him”? Have you talked to him directly about his departure? Don’t sit tight -Better to find your own opportunities than wait for someone to take you with them….manage your own career.

    • DCR

      An equality partner has a fiduciary duty to the firm. In my experience, they can’t discuss it with you between when they give notice and actually leave the firm. Once he is at his new firm, he can then reach out to you to offer a position. For now, I would just sit tight. Maybe consider what you will do if he doesn’t come through with an offer.

      • Anonymous

        How about if a subordinate initiated a conversation by asking if partner has put any more thought into leaving, and reminds him that he had made those comments? No pinning him down or trying to make him keep promises, and he could respond entirely in the conditional about “if I were to leave”

  30. Liz

    I work with a colleague that recently had a baby girl. The baby is almost one years old. I’m looking for Christmas gift ideas. It’s been an overwhelming year. She found out that her baby had down syndrome after giving birth. Any ideas for a mom and baby gift idea? I thought of bubble bath or bath items, but I’m clueless if that is appropriate. I wanted something for the baby girl and something for mom. Thank you.

        • Anonymous

          Except major retailers are making $$$ selling matching PJs for the whole family, so you’re theory is bunk.

          Stop being a b*tch & scroll on by if you can’t answer the question.

    • Anonymous

      Books. My favorites were collections–much easier to take along on trips than numerous individual books.

    • Anonymous

      Everywhere Babies is a sweet board book that includes lots of different kinds of babies – good gift for the baby. For the mom, bubble bath or something self-care/indulgent like that might be nice. Or earrings or something guaranteed to fit.

  31. anonymous

    Does anyone have any tips/guidelines for pairing blazer necklines/collars with the neckline of dresses and shirts underneath? I have clothes that I end up never wearing because I can’t figure out the pairing.

  32. Anonymous

    Board books for baby and a gift card for mom for food delivery or massage. A lot of moms won’t use bubble bath on kids because they tend to have very sensitive skin.

  33. LinkedIn question

    I’m writing to the director of a non-profit organization I admire to ask for an information interview. I can’t find any emails on their website other than the general “info@npo.org”. She is on LinkedIn, has about 200 contacts. How much can I include in a LinkedIn message? The window lets me type in my whole 361 word letter, but Idk if that’s appropriate.

    • Anonymous

      I would just put in your whole letter. But it might be better to call and ask her assistant or a receptionist the best way to get in touch with her. And you might be more likely to get an interview with someone a little lower in the pecking order, like a managing director, depending on how large this place is. What advice do you want, and what kind of job are you trying to get? People generally work their way up to running non-profits, so unless you are pretty senior in your career, picking someone at a level closer to where you are might make more sense.

    • Sunshine

      Just a short note explaining why you’re interested and asking for a bit of her time at her convenience.

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