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Updated: Jul 23, 2021 176 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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I recently heard someone say that orange shoes are a great pop of color for a TON of different neutrals. This was news to me, but orange isn't usually in my wheelhouse – red, yes, but I feel like you have to be somewhat intentional with how you wear red, lest you stumble into a Fourth of July or Christmas theme. (In fairness, I wear so much black that orange could mean I'm inadvertently stumbling into a Halloween theme… something to keep in mind.) In any event, I'm sort of doing a lazy search for orange shoes right now — and this current slide looks like it just might be what I'm hunting for.

First, I think the brown details would avoid a Halloween vibe — but I also love that wide, stable heel as a great way to get back into wearing heels again after a year+ of basically just house shoes. And I always feel like Sofft is one of the MOST reliable brands in terms of comfortable shoes.

I'm thinking the shoes would go great with a midi dress, whether a tiered nap dress kind of thing or a simpler t-shirt midi dress. Readers, how would you wear them?

The pictured shoes are available in four colors for $69.90 in the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale; after the sale ends they'll go back to $109.95.

Some similar options include these flatter slides ($59), these strappy sandals ($47), or more flatter slides ($89).

(Also, random note — I feel like I felt my 20s wearing sandals just like this strappy black Naot pair, and then the style totally disappeared. If it's back I'm kind of excited…)

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Comments

  2. Anon

    I’ve always liked orange shoes as a fan alternative and agree they can function as almost a neutral. But it has to be the right orange.

    • Anonymous

      Red is my favorite color, but it is sometimes too on-the-nose or hard looking (like I love it with white and love it with white+tan or white+light gray). I also a like what I think of as Hermes Orange, especially since you can wear that with green easily but also some warm blues or red or pink.

      • Anon

        One of my best summers was an Hermès-orange sandal summer. I wore them into the ground but I was looking cute, in my opinion, all summer.

    • Anon

      I have the skin tone of a Simpson’s character, so orange or yellow anything is out for me. But dang do I adore those colors.

      • Anonymous

        As a warm-skin-toned person I can only do warm oranges and yellows! The right shade of mustard/ rust/ burnt orange actually looks great on me. Before I understood this I shied away from all orange or yellow.

  3. Anonymous

    Does anyone have a Windows/desktop program to keep track of little notes and contacts, like an alternative to OneNote or Evernote? They both feel like they’re better suited to longer articles and PDFs and less little notes like “things we got for Aunt Sharon for Christmas.” Or, if you use the Notes on your iPhone, does anyone have a way to sync that with a Windows desktop?

    • Cat

      I use Google docs for misc. lists like that (tracking Christmas ideas, restaurant suggestions, etc) – the app works fine even on iPhone.

    • anonmi

      Have you looked at Google Keep? Seems like it would meet the needs you listed.

      • Ses

        +1 for Google keep. You can sync it between devices and add other editors to a list, it’s searchable and all on one page. Have used this for years.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1. Keep is great for exactly this – tiny lists, tiny notes to yourself, etc.

    • Anon

      I use Stickies by Zhorn, which is a deceptively powerful Windows desktop program.

      I also use qlist.cc a lot for lists I want to access on my phone.

    • Anonymous

      I use Sticky Notes at work, but I don’t think. It syncs across devices. The Evernote app on my phone now has a Scratch Pad. Before that, I had. “Miscellaneous” note for tracking random things.

  4. Ireland

    Tell me your favorite things to do / see / eat in Ireland! Potentially relevant details: couple, early 30s, pretty active, going for a week in July next year (hopefully).

    • Anone

      Ring of Kerry is touristy but gorgeous and not to be missed. The Aryan Islands were gorgeous – very isolated countryside, fun for a bicycle tour. Dublin was fun but it’s a big city and VERY different from the rest of the country. There was another little town we stayed in that had a gorgeous bed & Breakfast with a retired chef who cooked the meals, which we loved. I can’t remember the name but will ask my husband and post more later!

        • Anone

          The town is Kenmare. We stayed at the Shelburne Lodge. A husband and wife own it, and the wife is the retired chef. They were adorable and so welcoming and the food was delicious!

    • Anon

      A day in Galway. You really don’t need more than a day but it’s a lovely place to visit.

      Do bring home some irish linens and woolens. There are plenty of shops that will ship them for you so you don’t have to lug them home. I’m a knitter so I look for the label “Hand knit on two needles” because hand knit can also mean machine knit….

      • Anonymous

        Galway is fun! I bought a couple of sweaters at a shop there and had them shipped back. Definitely easier than trying to cram them in the luggage.

        I’m Dublin, we toured the Teeling Whiskey distillery and went to the Blind Pig Speakeasy.

    • DB Cooper

      Achill Island is just delightful, if your travels take you that way.

      I was astonished that seemingly every mom and pop roadside respite place had a cafe with a full and very tasty menu, usually including a fancy espresso machine and somebody who really knew how to use it, as well as often a fresh salmon plate or the like.

      If it is still sold, look into the historic attractions pass, can’t remember the name. Includes the excellent Kilmainham Gaol previously mentioned, and many other sites around the country. We got in the habit of looking at the pass brochure to see what might be a 10-mile detour or less from our route, and found several of our favorite stops that way.

  5. Anonymous

    So I’ve been feeling run down and unmotivated this week — and I just started sneezing. Could it be COVID?! I’m vaccinated.

  6. Anonymous

    For those of you who supervise new people who started remotely, how do you coach them back from bad pandemic habits? We’re giving them a bit of a second chance since the pandemic wasn’t their fault. They were sometimes responsive, but sometimes very non-responsive. They took vacations and announced that on the way out of the door. They are not generally back in the office (and in our office, people were expected to be back after July 4th). I feel like they have been told many things many times. They aren’t bad people, but I worry that people won’t invest in them if they figure they’ll be culled after the next round of reviews. And I am exhausted (was working FT while being my own childcare provider this whole time) and wanting them to succeed. I am getting the feeling that they are so iffy that people are doing work themselves vs risk the juniors turning in projects too late to review (i.e., fix) and get out the door. They generally want written feedback, which takes a lot of time vs just walking through (quick if in person) or on a call (they often can’t juggle well b/w a document on the screen and a call on their phone or a webex; they often need to be in a private place due to confidential items within documents and frequently they are not). I am exhausted and don’t know where to start. I have gotten no guidance and it looks like this is my problem to fix (or throw up my hands and walk away from).

    • Sloan Sabbith

      That doesn’t sound like bad pandemic habits as much as someone who just isn’t doing their job.

      • Anonymous

        True, but I think that risk-averse employers will give employees another lap before the axe falls, so if you are stuck with them for another year, you might as well be clear at the outset and accept that you may have to micro-manage until they start to perform better.

      • Anonymous

        +1. This has nothing to do with the pandemic or remote work. This is a failure on the employees’ part to do good work and practice good practices – and also a management failure.

    • Anon

      You manage them. You set the rules and expectations, not them. If they want written feedback, they can take notes when you are providing verbal feedback. Have clearly communicated expectations about availability, vacation policies, response times, etc. if they don’t meet them then there are progressive consequences. Of course, this is all predicated on them having the tools and training to do their job, and understanding the expectaions.

      • Anon

        THIS. Thank you. You do not micromanage them (per above). You do not hand-hold. You do not give second chances. If daycare shut down because of a COVID case, you communicate expectations. If they need to review confidential information as part of their job, you communicate expectations for an appropriate workspace (and I say this as someone who lives with her husband, kid, and pet in a 2 bed/2 bath apartment). Communicate to them how you give feedback.

        As for tools and training: get a better form of communication if you cannot have a document up on the screen and hear audio. It’s 2021.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s pretty telling that they aren’t back in the office. They don’t care.

    • Walnut

      I assume they’re not meeting deadline and deliverables? I’d manage that problem. Have you had the very frank conversation to let them know you’ll be putting a formal performance improvement plan in place?

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like it is your problem because they are your direct report–is that not the case? Assuming you are the manager, you need to manage this person. And even though it is harder, you really need to do it in writing so that you have a paper trail when / if it comes time to let them go.

      If it’s easier, you can set up a “transitioning back to in-person” meeting where you run through expectations going forward. Make a list of expecations and document them. You can make it “friendly” with the pretense of “normally new hires would have this run through when they start, but as y’all started in a pandemic, here we are! [laundry list] any questions?

      Examples:

      – “When remote, the company expects you to have the camera on at all times. If you need to turn it off, for example, while eating or taking a bio break, let the meeting organizer know in advance.”
      – I expect time off requests in writing, ideally [time frame] in advance. If you need to take unexpected time off or call in sick, please do so by [method].

      • Anonymous

        I’m not exactly their manager. I am someone who is senior enough to assign them work (there are 5 of us) and not senior enough I can change things (there are 2 of them). I would love to downstream work to them as we’ve lost more senior worker bees but my hopes of them developing are frankly dim. So it’s a problem of there being too many masters and no one really owning them (but I am probably the sickest of not having real help).

        What I may do is have a frank convo up the food chain from me about issues and plan of attack. IDK where the other 4 work assigners are on this — two are in different offices, but 3 of us are local (but never onsite at the same time, despite being back — mostly vacations and onsite elsewhere).

  7. Long distance anon

    Hive, seeking love life advice going into the weekend. I have been long-distance dating a divorced dad for the last year. His son is in elementary school, lives 60% of the time with his ex, and 40% of the time with him on a regular and predictable schedule. He owns a business in State A, and I am a partner in a law firm in State B. We’ve made it work through lots of video chats, calls, and (more recently) flights back and forth for non-custodial times. Travel has been roughly equal between our homes. He’s started to drop hints about me moving in, which he clearly means his home in State A. After reading some posts here the last month or so, I’m starting to realize that 1) I don’t want to be long-distance forever, 2) we’re both at least 15 years away from retiring, and 3) although it would be easier for me to move, I really don’t want to. I’d rather stay in State B and be single than move to State A with him and give up a lot of my life here. Although he’s not saying move in or break up, this realization is starting to bother me. Any suggestions for how to talk through this with him? I don’t know that we need to break up now, but I don’t see the distance ending any time soon.

    • Cat

      From what you just said, I would break up now. Him moving would probably be a lot more complicated than you moving for custody reasons, and you literally just said you’d rather be single in your current city, so… set him free to find a local partner.

      • Anon

        +1 agree, and I say this as someone who did long distance for 3 years with my now-husband so I believe it can work if you have the same vision of the future. But you guys don’t.

        • Cat

          Same – we were long distance for law school, but had agreed where we were going to settle & marry. Long distance with no end date makes no sense to me.

      • Anon

        +1 – you answered your own question right here with “I’d rather stay in State B and be single than move to State A with him and give up a lot of my life here.” I’d stop wasting your time on someone with a dealbreaker issue. Be single in State B and look for someone local to date.

    • Anon

      Break up with him now. Don’t string him along if you know there’s no future here and also why would you want to do that to yourself?

    • Anon

      He’s not going to move to where you live because of his kid (and frankly, a guy who is eager to move away from his kid doesn’t seem like a person I’d want to date). Since you’d rather be single than move, break up.

    • anon

      I cannot see him wanting to move given the custody arrangement (I wouldn’t either and that seems completely reasonable to me).

      I think you should have a candid conversation with him that you don’t want to move and that this won’t work for you as you don’t want to be long-distance much longer. You can both be good people and it not be the right timing.

      This is not the right partner for you right now.

    • Anon

      The only other way I see this working is for him to change his custody schedule to something like one week on, one week off and to maintain his place in his state for the weeks he has custody and live with you the weeks he doesn’t.

      I have a client that did this East Coast to West Coast. Dad had new job on the West Coast and he could work remote half the time. Kid lived on the East Coast. Dad worked in office every other week on the West Coast and remotely every other week on the East Coast. He also had a big money job where the cost of flights were a drop in the bucket for him.

      The arrangement seemed to work surprisingly well.

    • Anon

      You break up. Let him find someone who will want to be in the same state as he is. Moving states absolutely completely totally sucks, believe me, so this is not judgement on you. It is, however, something you need to talk to him about promptly.

    • Anon

      Because the kid is in elementary school, you have a long way to go until the dad won’t have to worry about custody issues, and rightfully he should prioritize custody of his child over you. You don’t want to move and he likely can’t/doesn’t want to either. I don’t see a path forward for the relationship. Rather than approaching the conversation as a break-up conversation from the get-go, you can try blunt directness: “I need to tell you some things I’ve been thinking about” – and let the conversation steer itself toward a breakup, if you have feels about being the dumper or have some hope that a breakup isn’t the only solution. Who knows – there may be some magical way forward here based on details we aren’t privy to, although I doubt it. If he’s a nice guy hopefully you can stay friends? Other than that I think the best thing to do is cut the string.

  8. Ashley

    Because the kid is in elementary school, you have a long way to go until the dad won’t have to worry about custody issues, and rightfully he should prioritize custody of his child over you. You don’t want to move and he likely can’t/doesn’t want to either. I don’t see a path forward for the relationship. Rather than approaching the conversation as a break-up conversation from the get-go, you can try blunt directness: “I need to tell you some things I’ve been thinking about” – and let the conversation steer itself toward a breakup, if you have feels about being the dumper or have some hope that a breakup isn’t the only solution. Who knows – there may be some magical way forward here based on details we aren’t privy to, although I doubt it. If he’s a nice guy hopefully you can stay friends? Other than that I think the best thing to do is cut the string.

    • Anon

      Hire movers in the new city. You’ll explain what the job is when you call to book them.

      • Cat

        +1, you may have to pay a flat minimum fee even if it takes only 30 mins, though; many local companies are “by the hour with a 1 or 2 hour minimum” type of pricing.

        If you post the name of New City I’m sure people could give you local recommendations.

        • Cat

          Oh and I would not go with the day laborer or Taskrabbit approach. Way too unpredictable. You don’t want to find yourself with someone eager to make some money but who drops your dresser down a flight of stairs.

        • OP

          New City is Washington DC. Dupont Circle area. Thanks for any local recommendations!

    • Anonymous

      UHaul often can get you hourly labor to help with unloading. Or call a moving company. If it is during the week, they may have more people looking to work vs weekends when everyone wants them.

      • Anonymous

        I get a list of movers when I schedule a UHaul rental online. Go to the website and look for “Moving Help.” You’ll find lots of reviewed companies eager to take on just this kind of job. That said, you probably are going to have to pay the 2 hour minimum, but it is probably worth it. Have them move it all while you sip a lemonade, even though you could move the boxes and lighter items yourself.

    • Anon

      If number 4 isn’t an option, rethink what you’re bringing. Don’t bring anything the two of you can’t haul in the new apartment yourself.

    • DC pandas

      Taskrabbit for sure, you can use the app to check reviews and lay out exactly what work needs to be done.
      My taskrabbit helped me move in the pouring rain and saved me from throwing out my back.

    • Anon

      If it is a long haul, be careful with movers!! I have a friend who moved halfway across the country and the movers took a month to deliver his stuff! They said it was Covid work shortages but it was crazy. The estimated time was a week!

    • Anon

      Use Tasktabbit or Lugg (if Lugg is an option, use them – they’re designed to provide small move assistance).

    • Curious

      If Dolly is still a thing in your area, this is exactly what they are for. Used them for multiple similar moves and it was great.

    • LaurenB

      If her apartment / condo has a homeowners association or similar, perhaps ask them if they have recommendations for either movers or just a bunch of strong young guys who are reliable.

  9. Smol Law

    Can partners/small law firm ‘rettes weigh in to help me neogiate a raise:

    My review is upcoming (firm <10 attys) and I could be considered a senior associate in a way. I crush my work, bill 1800-1900 as I'm supposed to, mentor/train all of the new attorneys so my partners don't have to, clients love me and refer cases directly, my bills don't require re-writing/cutting, and I see my cases to resolution… I'm literally never trouble to them.

    What are the "max" % of receivables I could argue/negotiate for?
    Is there a ceiling where you will NOT pay associates more?
    I've read conventially it's 1/3s (Associate, overhead, Partners) but the raise/salary I want to push for is more like 40% of my receivables… do I have a shot?
    Other than lauding my work and value-add, are there other business arguments I can make for why they should pay me more? TY!

    • Anon

      You could request more for origination. My deal was 15% for what I originated that other attorneys worked on but not a bump for what I worked on as I was expected to bring in some business for myself. Other firms give origination credit no matter what. Make sure you define origination. If a client was someone else’s but returns to you, it is likely still the original person’s origination. If the client refers another client directly to you, that could be your origination.

      I was getting 35% of my receivables. When I talked to a former colleague who ran his own firm he said “that’s not that great, you know” but he never told me what he thought great was. That’s because he thought I should be vying for a partnership over receivables.

      This is past tense because I’m switching jobs where I will have a totally different comp structure.

    • Anon

      If you are running cases on your own for clients you originated they should consider you for partner. Or you could start your own firm

    • Anonymous

      You have a shot. I recommend going in with numbers only, not soft stuff like “this is valuing me in 2021.”
      – Came from a small firm (5 older men)- they were appalled anyone would ask for more money, because they remember making half my starting salary in the 70s and thinking it was amazing. They told me no, five years later two of them have reached out to say they regret it. Made 65k salary.
      – went to a slightly larger firm (15 lawyers) and they were very transparent with me about pay. I was shocked to learn what they collected, billed, etc off me – they lost money on my salary/benefits for two years and never said a word, agreed to a small raise but it was strictly tied to numbers which they allowed me to see – think $5k if I hit X target, and $10k if y target. Made 74k starting.
      – moved to larger firm (50 lawyers), I negotiated a bonus every year and made partner at this firm two years ago. I think I made $80k + 3.5% bonus, then 90k plus 5% bonus.

      I know of other firms , like plaintiffs firms, between 10-30 lawyers that pay their associates a fairly low but livable salary (50k or so) and then up to a third of the collected amount of each settlement the associate worked on (proportionate to their billable hours on that file).

      I say this not to scare you off or pump you up, absolutely say do it. Be prepared to flex your excellent negotiation and persuasion skills. If your state bar is worth anything (some aren’t) you may have some ability to inquire or get a comp survey to find out “normal.”

  10. Anon

    Just moved into a new house and there’s a large bay window I’m pondering seating for. The proportions aren’t right for a window seat and what we’re looking for is a comfy place to read and look out the window, so I don’t think that would work anyway. Any specific recommendations for comfortable seating? We’re thinking either chair + ottoman or a chaise lounge-like piece. There are no major retailers anywhere close, so I can’t try anything out in person unfortunately.

    • anne-on

      We the CoCoCo pieces in both the bay windows in our house. They had the best range of options in our size that weren’t teeny tiny or a chair + ottoman. We have a classic chesterfield brooklyn back and an english arm tight back and love them both!
      https://cococohome.com/store/

    • Anon

      My husband when I met him had a couch across his lovely bay window totally blocking it, and once I got to know him better I asked him why the heck he did that. I talked him into getting two armchairs and a shared ottoman with a small table between the chairs. It all fit into the nook and created a great space he was really happy with. The two chairs were angled slightly toward each other.

    • Anonymous

      How about a big club chair with an ottoman, like the Pottery Barn Manhattan leather chair?

    • Anonymous

      Depending on the size of the window, a recliner with a reading light and side table could be a nice grouping. Or two chairs if you have the room.

  11. Anonymous

    Advice on traveling on vacation with a dog? Some dog-friendly VRBOs and hotel venues want you to keep the dog off of furniture or don’t allow dogs to stay alone in a place (we can crate, but maybe will also need to only cook in or only go to dog friendly restaurants). This seems like a bit of a learning curve (like traveling with kids, but you can generally bring a baby with you, they aren’t mobile, and it’s illegal to leave them).

    • Anon

      We traveled with our dog a lot before we had a baby. We chose pet-friendly hotels and Airbnbs and I don’t recall ever seeing a restriction about dogs on furniture. We generally ignored the rule about not leaving them alone, with the understanding that we would have to pay for any damage caused (our dog is not a chewer and never caused any damage).

    • Anonymous

      Those policies don’t sound terribly dog-friendly to me. Either you allow dogs in your VRBO or you don’t. But if you are the one with the large pandemic puppy that ate the ear adjusters on all your family’s masks, I’d keep him crated whenever you aren’t there, just for his own safety.

    • Anon

      I haven’t traveled with my dog until this year because I didn’t have a dog before! But the place we’ve stayed (rental house, local agency) for the past 15 years advertises itself as dog friendly and has no such restrictions. Their rules are generally clean up after your dog and don’t use the house towels on you dog. I don’t think the place you’re looking at is truly dog friendly.

      And after years of staying in this house that has a slight dog smell, we finally get to have our own dog contribute to it!

    • Walnut

      I bring a few of my own sheets from home to toss over the furniture my dog is most likely to get comfortable on. He’s allowed up at home, but he loves to get comfy on whatever furniture offers him a good window view on vacation.

    • Anon

      The TL/DR – We find it easier to board our dog with her daycare. I used to have an Airbnb and when people left their dogs unattended, they barked and the neighbors would call and complain so I’m very cognizant of that. I also don’t know all the ins and out of an Airbnb to be confident my dog couldn’t escape. Same goes for leaving her in a pet friendly hotel room – they have similar policies about not leaving dogs alone, and I similarly would be concerned she’d get out/lost, especially with housekeeping and access. I also want to be able to eat anywhere I want and to go inside places when I travel, all of which are just harder with a dog. So we board her with her daycare and she loves it. She’s happy when we get home, but she loves her handlers and gets a lot of special attention while we’re gone. The only time we travel with her is when going to visit family where we know we don’t need to leave her and we won’t be going out to eat.

  12. Life Choices

    I was talking to a co-worker recently who just had her first child. We live in a HCOL city and she recently moved into a house in the even more HCOL suburb of our city (which she and her husband could definitely not afford on their salaries). She mentioned something about how cool it was to raise her kid in her childhood home. So I said I had not realized her mother had passed away since I knew from prior conversations that her mother was the one who lived in that house.

    Her mother (happily) is still with us – only in her 60s and recently retired. Turns out her mother is letting friend, her husband and her kid live in the house in exchange for way below market rent and her mom is using money for a one bedroom apartment. The idea apparently is that the house is in a great neighborhood for families and Mom wants daughter to have it. They are talking to a lawyer about how to structure this for the future but I cannot be alone in thinking this is nuts right? Even if her mother wanted to rent out her house and live closer to the beach, she could easily charge 2-3x what my friend is paying. But she apparently just wants to give away her biggest asset.

    And to be clear – it is none of my business and I am not saying anything more than “how nice for you”. But while I love my mother and she loves me, I cannot imagine her doing anything like this. So since I am cannot say anything in real life, I am putting it into the ‘Rette-verse.

    • Anonymous

      This kind of thing happens all the time. I knew a couple where the wife’s mother sold them her condo in Cambridge, MA (a hot market) for $1.

    • Cat

      Why do you think this is nuts? Well-off parents help their offspring all the time. Like paying a down payment, etc. If mom has sufficient assets, lucky kid!

      • anonshmanon

        Yeah, this seems pretty normal, unless there are additional details you haven’t mentioned. I think most people while being financially savvy, apply a different set of rules for direct relatives and spouses.

    • Anon

      Why is this nuts? I think it makes complete sense, especially if the daughter loves the house and would inherit it anyway. She gets to raise her kids in the house and mom gets to live somewhere she likes without the hassle and risk of being a landlord. If mom needs more care in a few years, she can always move back in or they can change things then. As long as they’re all on the same page about expectations, it’s all fine.

    • pugsnbourbon

      It doesn’t seem all that crazy to me. I can see where some families would look at it as an “early inheritance” sort of arrangement.

    • Anon

      I’m cheering your colleague on. I fully support keeping real estate in the family instead of feeding it to the scumbag vampires running insurance companies and elder care. And yes, that’s rage and bitterness coming from family experience.

    • Anonymous

      This is generous of the mom and great for your friend. In their shoes I’d be worried about the elder care and tax implications and would be consulting an attorney about Medicaid and estate planning.

      • LaurenB

        +1. Agree – that’s the real issue, if mom needs Medicaid at some point and it’s revealed she “gave away” her home. However, a lawyer can easily structure something which shows that they rented from her, etc. And it may also be that mom is wealthy enough she doesn’t need to worry re Medicaid in the first place.

      • Of Counsel

        Piping in here – the Medicaid look back period is only 5 years, except in California where is is 2.5 years. So if Mom is in her mid-60’s and in good health, it is quite likely that the look back would expire before she would need those type of services. But a lot depends on whether the reference to structuring this for the future/ giving away biggest asset means long term rental or if Mom is planning a outright gift.

        Now gift/estate tax might be an issue but only if the house is worth a LOT of money. I am glad they are consulting an attorney. Honestly, the biggest risks I see are Mom gives Daughter house and Daughter stops paying Mom the rent (if Mom needs that money to pay her own rent) or Daughter is financially irresponsible or incredibly selfish.

        • Anonymous

          If the plan were long-term rental, I’d worry that mom would be forced to sell the house to pay for care and then daughter and her family would have to find a place to live with no equity for a down payment.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I have a friend whose parents sold her their very nice house in a HCOL area for the amount they paid for it in the 1980s when they relocated for retirement a couple of years ago. She and her husband are both teachers and could never afford the home otherwise. It’s not something that would happen in my family, but it’s nice for them. Her mother might be making a bad choice financially and/or legally, but it is her choice. I wouldn’t overthink it.

    • Anon

      She’s not “giving away her biggest asset.” Mom still owns the asset and is giving daughter and her family an annual gift by leasing it to them at below market rate. It seems to me to a great arrangement, with the caveat that it’s not for everyone and depends on family dynamics. You do realize there are people whose parents just straight up buy them houses, right? This is a smaller gift than that.

      Also the mother’s choice may not all be based on generosity. She may trust her daughter to maintain and care for the house better than a random tenant, and may not want to go through the headache of finding new tenants every year or so. My mother and her sister own a house (inherited from their parents) that they lease at less than half market rate because their tenant is very responsible, does basic maintenance on the house and has indicated she plans to stay there very long term (like 10-15 years). Neither of them needs the rental income and they’ve made a choice that having a trustworthy, long-term client is worth giving up the potential additional income. Not everyone makes every decision based on maximizing dollars earned. Some people have enough money and want their lives to be easier.

    • Anon

      We have a family home that’s been in the family for 94 years (was grandfathers childhood home. My grandparents moved back in with my great grandparents as a young family and raised their kids there. Eventually great grandparents died and it was just my grandparents and their family). When my grandfather died my grandma decided to move to a retirement home. My aunt was getting divorced at the time and thus sold her house. My grandmother sold her house to my aunt for whatever my aunt netted from her house sale.

      The house is not nice or big or worth a ton but it’s sentimental to the family and so my grandmother decided sentimentality + helping out my aunt was worth “losing” money on the home.

      Long story short I think it’s very nice the mom is willing to do this and not at all weird

    • Anonymous

      Why is it nuts? You have no idea what mom’s finances are. This just sounds jealous

    • Anon

      If the mom can afford it, I don’t see anything wrong. I know several adults who have, one way or another, come into owning a family home and love it.

    • Anon

      I think it’s a great idea. My grandparents essentially did this. Swapped their farm with their son, the only one who was interested in taking over the farm
      So they took their son’s house in town, and he and his family moved out to the farm and have been there ever since.

      It’s not unusual at all, and I’m glad the house can stay in the family. I don’t know anyone who’s would call it “nuts.”

    • Anon

      Wealthy parents give their kids a LOT of help. Forget “just” paying for college: there’s graduate school, down payments on houses, trust funds, cars, money for the kids’ 529s.

      • LaurenB

        “Wealthy parents give their kids a LOT of help. Forget “just” paying for college: there’s graduate school, down payments on houses, trust funds, cars, money for the kids’ 529s.”

        Yep. And the times when I’ve resented it – it turns out I was just jealous that my parents couldn’t do all of that (to be sure, they paid for my college and a car, but no down payments or trust funds).

    • Anonymous

      Well off parents often give their kids a leg up in life. It is what is it. To the point that any youngish person with a house is just assumed to have had help (nope, bought on my own tyvm).

    • Cat

      Also now you have me guessing locations. Like is this a Philly – Gladwyne – NJ shore condo situation? :)

    • anon

      This strikes me as perfectly normal. Plenty of people prioritize helping family over making a profit.

    • Life Choices

      I would not be at all surprised at wealthy parents helping their kids buy a house. What surprises me is that Mom is moving into a small apartment (which is basically what her daughter was living in before baby) and giving up her very nice house. It is a massive downsizing of her life style in favor of her daughter and grandchild.

      And she is only in her mid-60s and very active. With any luck she has decades before she would need any type of elder care – although certainly nothing is guaranteed and I can understand the desire to protect your property.

      And don’t get me wrong. I think it is lovely. And she may have been thinking she would rather live in the same city as her only child and grandchild – even in a small apartment – rather than have them move somewhere more affordable. Housing prices here are out of control.

      • anon

        Believe it or not, some people don’t like having an excessive amount of space. My mom lives alone in a 5000 sqft house ever since my dad died and she would LOVE to downsize. Sadly there’s zero inventory of smaller SFH in the area she prefers.

        • Anonymous

          My Grandma is like this, lives in a huge house all alone, but she wants to stay waterfront and in her urban neighbourhood, there just aren’t very any small properties in the location.

      • Cat

        Lots of people choose to downsize as they age, though. You’re assuming Mom is going to suffer or feel like she gave up her life for this… but maybe Mom’s thrilled she only has to deal with a 1BR apartment now, and not have to worry about lawn care or house maintenance?

      • anne-on

        Depending on the area (I’m thinking Westchester/Montclair swapping to UWS or UES apartment) I would 1000% swap a suburban house for a 1-bed in the city at that age. I would be in good shape and finally able to do the restaurants/museums/shopping/cultural stuff that I wasn’t able to do in the midst of raising a family. If the situation changes, the house is still in mom’s name so she can sell if needed but this seems to work well for everyone involved!

      • Anon

        What? My mom is also that age and healthy, and has been talking about moving to a smaller place because she just doesn’t need/want a 2500 square foot home for just herself and her dog. I think that’s pretty normal. I also think it’s a lovely thing to do and I know my mom would make the same offer in a heartbeat if we wanted to move to her city – I hope I would do the same for my child if the situation arose someday.

        • anon

          +1 I could totally see doing this. I love my house but definitely will not want to be maintaining 3700 square feet + yard, etc. when kids are grown. I would be delighted to keep our beautiful home in the family, help out my child and offload maintenance all at once.

        • Anonymous

          In contrast, my aunt (who is very healthy/active) insisted that she needed AT LEAST 2,500 square feet when her husband died and she was moving out of their large house to live on her own. She has lots of hobbies and loves to entertain and truly uses all the space!

      • anon

        I have a cousin whose husband grew up on a large piece of land that was rural 30 years ago and is now in the outer suburbs of Charlotte. His parents moved out of their large family home to a smaller cottage on the same piece of land. My cousin, her husband, and their 3 kids moved into the large house. I have no idea if they pay rent or what they pay, but given their jobs and the location and size of the house, I doubt it’s market rate. I don’t know his parents, but from what I’ve been told, they enjoy having a smaller place to maintain and clean, and they’re happy to have their family literally in their (large) backyard. Their son is an only child, so he’ll inherit the house anyways.

      • Anon

        Yeah I think older adults like to downsize because they don’t want to have to maintain a large space they don’t need. It doesn’t mean she’s ready for the nursing home (re: you saying she’s mid-60s and active), it’s verynormal to not want to live in a giant house once you’re an empty-nester, particularly if you’re divorced or widowed . This is honestly completely logical to me and I doubt it’s much of a sacrifice on the mom’s part (other than the loss of some rent, but she’s probably deliberately choosing to gift her child that).

        • LaurenB

          Now that I am an empty nester, I would sell my suburban home and get a 1 BR condo in the city in a flash if my spouse weren’t still tied to a job in the suburbs. I am in my fifties, but tons of 60sonethings downsize and consider it a good thing, not a bad thing. They don’t need big dining rooms, their kids will host Christmas, etc. Less to maintain, less to clean, more time to focus on enjoying themselves.

    • Anonymous

      My mother gives me and my sister annual gifts of $15,000 each year. It’s early inheritance and she and her brother received similar from their parents. My cousins likely do or will get the same from their father. We can all thank my great grandfather for making oodles of money and his kids for not spending it all. It is very generous, but it’s not nuts.

      • LaurenB

        I know of people who have their young adult kids put the max into their 401Ks and match the difference, which amounts to much the same thing. I think it’s smart wealth transfer.

    • LaurenB

      This seems normal to me, as well. I would certainly let my daughter live in a house or condo that I owned and wasn’t using, and I’d make it rent-free or maybe some nominal amount (like property tax and/or utilities). Why not? People who have the means help grown children all the time – nothing new under the sun.

    • Walnut

      Swapping houses isn’t that unusual in farm communities. Often times there is a farm house on the same property as livestock facilities, machine sheds, etc, so it is common for parents to “move to town” when their kids take over the day to day farm operations. Often the kid either didn’t leave home, moved back home after college, or lives with friends and then moves into the farm house when they get married.

      It’s also not unheard of in larger farming operations for everyone to live in the same general area, so in that case Mom and Dad might build a smaller house down the road and the kid will move into the larger family house after getting married and/or having kids.

    • Seventh Sister

      This kind of thing is REALLY common in Southern California – I know at least three people who make pretty modest salaries and live in the house their parents bought in the 1970s or the really really big house their grandparents built in the 1950s. It’s not nuts to the extent that most people (my in-laws excluded) want their $ to go to their kids when they die, plus house upkeep can be tough for elderly folks. That said, I can imagine other adult kids resenting that Mom gave Sister the house instead of splitting up the money.

      • Life Choices

        Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner on guessing the location. And there are no siblings to be concerned about. My co-worker friend is an only child.

        And again, I think it is sweet and everyone is right that I do not know their situation. But Mom moved out of a $6K month (rental value) house and into a $2,000/month apartment and is in the process of legally transferring title to her house to her daughter in some kind of trust arrangement that hopefully protects everyone. I am happy for her – I would have hated to lose her to Arizona. It just seemed weird – but maybe it will make sense if and when I have kids!

        • Vitamin D

          You are way too invested into the personal finances of your work friend.

          This is also a common way that savvy well to do older parents transfer wealth to their children before they are elderly and may need Medicaid to cover their Nursing Home care in the future. It is part of financial planning to allow the public to finance the rich to stay rich. And totally legal. Medicaid looks back 5 years only and claws back money that you try to give to your kids/relatives to avoid it being eaten up by medical expenses/nursing home care that drive you into poverty. But if you give away your house to your kids a few decades before you need nursing home care, then it is no longer part of your financial holdings and is protected from Medicaid look back.

          And no, it probably wont make sense if and when you have kids unless you are rich.

        • Anon

          Yeah, I suspected this might be CA. I hate Prop 13 for the way it distorts the real estate market and forces many of us to pay much higher taxes to subsidize generational wealth, but it makes something like this make even more sense for this family since it means that daughter/mom will be paying almost nothing in property tax, on top of benefiting from below market rent. If she were to buy her own place, she wouldn’t get the property tax benefit, so it makes a lot of sense for mom to downsize and not have to worry about so much cleaning and maintenance, while still having the benefit of the bigger house nearby when she wants to spend time with family. I don’t like the system, but it clearly works out well for them to be able to stay close as a family and I don’t fault them for playing by the rules that exist.

        • Anon

          What part doesn’t make sense to you? She probably plans to leave the house to her daughter anyways. As my great grandmother used to say, I’d rather do my giving while I’m living

        • LaurenB

          You keep acting as though for a 60 something woman, an apartment is a “downgrade.” She may be delighted to downsize.

        • Anonymous

          This is the only way for a family in SoCal to afford a house unless their parents are rich enough for a six or seven figure cash gift. You are just envious, which is understandable. But that’s how the world works. The American dream of self-made success is a fantasy.

          • Anon

            I mean my husband and I bought a house without parental assistance in SoCal but agree that we are outliers.

        • Anon

          Why does it seem weird? You’ve now read a slew of posts explaining why it makes sense. SMH.

    • Anon

      Eh, it’s a thing people with money do. It’s not a possibility for many of us, but good for them.

    • anon

      This is completely normal and happens all the time. For those of you who look around and wonder why your friends are able to afford the lifestyle they do, more often than not the answer is family money. And no you don’t need to be a member of the Gates family to have family money. It’s increasingly more common for parents to give money to their kids during their lifetime to help with a down payment or otherwise. I used to think that I was doing something wrong or missing some secret until I realized the secret is that they all had help. I’m so much happier now that I realized that I’m not some failure for not doing things on their timeline.

    • Anon

      Just adding to the chorus of absolutely nothing “nuts” about this at all. Normal, nice, and clearly you have no idea how “nuts” it can be renting our your primary asset to strangers.

    • Anonymous

      My mother gave me her house when she went to a senior community. We just had our second kid and needed the space. I’m an only child so why not? I don’t see any issues with what you are describing.

    • Dear+Summer

      Really sorry to hear that you can’t imagine your mother making a temporary sacrifice in order to substantially improve your life.

    • Anon

      I mean my mom sold me her own old Mercedes for literally $1 so yeah. Privilege happens and its very nice for the kids when it does. This is really none of your business…

  13. Anon

    Random musing as I think about moving in the next few years: what house-shopping goal didn’t work out the way you thought it would?

    For me, living in a cul de sac has not been the quiet haven I expected it to be. Neighbors are coming and going nonstop, and driving at unsafe speeds to boot. Quarantine and the resulting daily deliveries makes traffic even crazier.

    • Anonymous

      Buying a small house did not really work out to mean that I live a simple or minimalist life. I just live a cluttered and crowded and unkempt life now, which I do not enjoy at all but seems to be a problem I can’t conquer while balancing other parts of life.

    • anon

      A fenced-in backyard was important to me, and I bought our house in part because of a beautiful pergola. But we are always behind on yard work, our plants keep dying in our insane weather, and there aren’t that many days where it’s actually nice enough to sit outside. If we had extra money in our budget, the yard would be the very first thing I’d outsource. And I thought my kid needed a backyard, but it turns out that he pretty much has to be forced to play outside.

      • Anon

        Along the same lines, we bought a house with a lovely deck and landscaping but we haven’t maintained it well and the deck has splinters and is basically dangerous for a little kid, plus the (expensive) patio furniture we bought got super gross immediately (even with covers) so we never really use it. I’m trying to find a landscaping company now to re-do our plants but there’s literally no one available to do the work and our yard just looks gross and overrun even though we do the standard mowing and weeding. My kid is also a bit of an indoor cat (unless water play is involved) and we’re almost never in our backyard. Long term I want to turn the space into a sunroom and build a small patio off the sunroom because I think we’d get much more use out of a patio.

    • Anonymous

      Renovating is much more of a pain than I thought it would be. I knew it was going to be tough, but the pandemic has made it incredibly hard. No amount of throwing money or time or energy at the situation makes the city process permits faster, or magically clears space in a contractor’s calendar. Labor and supply shortages are real and have big impacts.

    • Anon

      Our house has been more expensive than we would have imagined in when we bought it (old house, not quite a fixer upper but close) but it has also appeared a ton since we bought it, also more than we would have you ever imagined, so I think the two things may be a wash at worst.

    • anon

      We ended up buying a three bedroom place (instead of a 4 bdrm, which I would have preferred), and now we are definitely somewhat cramped. The addition of a second child (we plan for them to share a room eventually, but it’s not possible while we are sleep training the infant), my switching to a permanently remote job, plus frequent visitors by each of our respective parents would have made the 4th bedroom SO useful. Of course now, with the market as crazy as it is, trading up is not realistic, and building an addition might end up being just as expensive (plus we are bound by a CC&R that prevents us from building up).

    • Anon

      I thought when buying a house that a neighborhood of older, small starter homes (but the nicest place I’ve ever lived) with stereotypically progressive yard signs was were indicators of a chilled out, laid back ‘hood where people weren’t acting fancy or getting up in each others’ business. I was SO wrong. TBH, I much preferred my neighbors in the trailerhood.

    • anon

      I bought a house with a huge yard and paid $$ for a fence for my dogs. One dog got cancer, next dog is allergic to grass so we have to always go on a walk or he is miserable. It makes me laugh but it’s not ideal!

    • anon

      My parents bought a house with many windows and lots of natural sunlight. Well, windows are expensive to replace when you’ve got 30 of them!

    • Tea/Coffee

      Same! Our lovely short cul de sac is completely at the mercy of our neighbor’s parking habits! And bc the culdesac is so short, a few extra cars means that you cannot turn around or sometimes even back out of the driveway.
      OTOH I thought we HAD TO have sidewalks – bc kids – but do not actually miss them at all. Both kids learned to ride their bikes in the street and lived to tell the tale :-)
      First world problems, I know

  14. Botox

    I’m in my early 40s considering trying botox for the first time. I don’t have vertical 11s in my forehead yet but have two faint horizontal lines on my forehead, even when my face is perfectly relaxed. Would botox help with this?

  15. Deedee

    Deedee, I left you a comment in your Friday post regarding Iberia’s vouchers

  16. Liz

    I can’t be the only person. I’m a school admin and every year we struggle with hiring. This new school year is the same, worse. Other businesses are the same, struggling to hire, not just schools. I’m just exhausted covering unfilled positions. Anybody else? Tips?

    • anon

      You aren’t the only one. The problem is that businesses need to start offering better compensation packages if they want to hire people. That’s the only tip.

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