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Anon for this
Looking for opinions on how to handle distant relations who have had legal run-ins but have “served their time.” My FIL remarried about 2 years ago; my SO and his siblings are all grown and out of the house. His wife has two daughters. “Hester” married “Hank” about a month ago; she has one child from a previous relationship. “Ophelia” is living with “Otis” and they are having a baby soon. She has 4 children from several previous relationships as does he. They are all in their 20’s or early 30’s. SO and I are mid-30s.
Hank served 10 years in county jail and was charged with aggravated assault/attempted homicide. He pled guilty to some charges. He was released earlier this year.
Otis was charged with aggravated assault, robbery, theft, etc. within the past year. He pled guilty to robbery charges and is on probation.
I haven’t ever met Hank, Hester, Otis, or Ophelia. My SO has met them but only briefly. We are likely hosting a family gathering at our home at the end of this month for SO’s brother, who will be leaving the country for about a year. My SO wants to tell his father that Hank, Hester, Otis, and Ophelia aren’t invited. I agree with him but I’m trying to get perspective on what others think. Is this a reasonable decision or am I being too judgmental?
What would you do?
Pompom
Just chiming in to let you know you may get more responses on the afternoon thread. The weekly round up doesnt get much traffic in the comments. Good luck!
Marshmallow
Agree that you’ll get more comments in the afternoon, but since I’m here I’ll answer. I think you have every right to invite or not invite whomever you want to your home. Adult step-siblings you’ve only met once, briefly, don’t sound like must-invite family even if there were no other issues going on. Just invite FIL and his wife, don’t invite the wife’s children, and leave it at that. It’s probably not a big deal and not worth making a big announcement about the fact that they aren’t invited.
Barb
Agreed. But I would be careful about being alone with a man who had been in jail for a lengthy sentence. Some look at women differently, only wanting to get oral favours from us.
Anon
The most important line for me: you “haven’t ever met Hank, Hester, Otis, or Ophelia.” Leave out the sordid details and just tell your FIL that you’re trying to keep the gathering to a manageable headcount and would really like him and his wife to join you, but that you can’t extend the invite further for this gathering. If they, rudely, insist on extending the invite, cite cost/space/whatever is plausible.
In the future, maybe make an effort to meet these people so you can decide whether they get invites to your home at for subsequent occasions.
ToS
You could creditably say that you would be managing too much – meeting them for the first time AND having the sendoff. Let your FIL discern an interim introduction opportunity, or have a subsequent, smaller gathering of step-siblings at his place.
Most crimes are specific to the people and events at that time, and the people who have been convicted and served the time want the detail of the crime to NOT obliterate their identity – they have families, care about people, etc. Transitioning from a decade of detention is HUGE culture shock, which would have Hank being more anxious than you, anyway. Be kind, and know that adult step-siblings of any stripe have their own lives appreciate people being chill. Invite FIL and wife. Let them bring it up.
Anon
If you don’t want to invite them, don’t. It’s obviously your right to determine comes to your home. But if you are using their prior convictions and lifestyle choices as the reason, I think you are being too judgmental.
I agree with ToS that if they would otherwise come to this gathering, meet them beforehand if you really have concerns. Not everyone who has been been to jail or prison is a raging maniac. In fact, most are people just like us.
Fallopian Tubes Removed
As someone who had my Fallopian tubes removed last year at the age of 41–never having had children–I read the “Broadly” article with great interest. My doctor did not ask me if my husband agreed with my decision, did not ask if I was sure, did not tell me that I would change my mind, or any of those things. He explained the procedure and options carefully, had me sign an informed consent form, and casually mentioned that IF I ever wanted children in the future, IVF would still be an option. (News to me. And I still don’t want children.) If anyone lives in Minnesota and wants the doctor’s name, I’m happy to provide.
Ellen
Well, you have made the decision and you will ALWAYS be able to come here and relay your story and questions to us. The HIVE is great in comeing up with sugestions for peeople who want to have babies’ and others that just want to have s-x without haveing babies. I am in catagory 1 — I want sex, but I also want babies, so men do NOT want to have s-x b/c they think I will force them to pay for the baby. I won’t! FOOEY! I will have to do the in-vitero thing if I can NOT find a guy to impregenate me! YAY!!!!