Where Do You Draw the Line Between Personal and Private at Work?
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I recently heard someone note that “you are the guardian of the difference between what is personal and private,” and I thought it made a great distinction — and might be an interesting discussion here.
What do you consider personal — and what do you consider private? Where do you draw the line, and how do you deal if someone wants to share more with you than you're comfortable with (or wants you to share more than you're comfortable with)?
We got into this many moons ago with our discussion of how to deal with nosy coworkers, which only served to illustrate how much variety there is in the answer to this question — there, the reader wrote in with a question because she was a new professor and worried to attend a faculty picnic, noting
Not to sound shallow, but I don’t want to field questions about my personal life (i.e dating, engaged, etc) because it is really no one’s business. But with children & spouses/so’s running around, I feel as though it is inevitable. Age, too, plays a factor. I am by far the youngest faculty member…
For my $.02, personal is stuff that I may only reveal after you get to know me really well, not because it's a secret so much as because it's just something I hold a little closer to the chest. I may immediately volunteer that I have two sons, for example, but I won't talk about them in any depth until I get to know you a bit better, at least depending on context and how relevant they are to whatever conversation we're having.
In fact, “reading the audience” plays a lot into what I divulge easily and what I don't, particularly with regards to politics, religion, and certain aspects of mothering.
On the flip side, private to me is stuff that I do kind of guard — sure, family secrets and things that aren't necessarily my story to tell — and also certain boundaries I keep even with close friends. For example, if my husband and I have had a disagreement I keep that private.
So, for example, in the reader Q above, whether I was engaged would probably be something I would immediately volunteer easily, but whether I was dating anyone (or had recently split up with anyone) would be something I would keep more personal — but not private.
What would be private to me would be something more like whether I wanted to marry the current person I was dating, or “what kind of person are you looking for” questions, or certainly questions about future kids/family plans.
{related: how to keep your work life separate from your personal life}
But then, I'm a bit of a weirdo because I feel comfortable sharing a lot of things online (I think I stopped short at period details but that's it), but I've never used my husband's first name on either of the blogs.
Office culture has definitely played a part in where the boundary lines are, as well — in my more female-dominated offices we were quick to talk about little aches and pains in a personal way — whereas in the male-dominated ones I would have considered those little aches and pains to be closer to private than personal.
Readers, how about you — where do you draw the line between what's personal and what's private? Do you have different boundaries for different situations?
(For those of you who have worked in several offices, how much has office culture had a factor in the boundaries you've kept? ) Do you have easy comebacks for when people ask for too much (“ha, we'll see!”) — and how do you deal when someone is oversharing?
Most definitely. Learned my lesson at one of my first jobs as a teen when one of my managers tried to make small talk by asking if I had a boyfriend, which then led to a very awkward interrogation about the fellow (how old is he, what does he do, how did you meet–all questions I do not enjoy getting into since the circumstances of our relationship on the surface were questionable and I had no interest in explaining to my boss all the nuanced details of a 16 year old dating someone in their late 20s. Yes, we’re still together now, and no, I don’t have any regrets, it was a complicated situation that went further than just being “mature for my age”).
Nowadays, there’s not much to really discuss about my life. I masquerade as a prudish twenty-something at work, just keeping my nose to the grindstone, focused on getting through school, keeping my GPA up, and going to law school. Outside of that, every other aspect of my life is out of the ordinary enough that it just does not make for good small talk because I have to explain way too much context to be comfortable.
I know it’s wrong but this post makes me want to hear All The Details…
+1
I mean, I feel like this Anon was asking to be asked when she gave vague details that insinuate questionable circumstances. And to be fair, if I was a boss whose 16 yr old employee admitted to dating someone in their late 20s, I wouldn’t be asking more questions out of curiosity but rather to determine whether or not I need to call the parents or the cops because…that’s statutory rape at worst and grooming at best.
OP if you do this in real life (trail off with questionable information and then dictate that people can’t ask for follow up) it screams “look at me, I’m mysterious, and interesting” and will make people question your judgment.
Reading between the lines, my guess is that the OP’s family had a lot of issues, and this relationship was her lifeline out. So now it’s hard to talk about anything, even if the guy is now age-appropriate for her. “Oh, your boyfriend is 34 and you’re 23. How long have you been together?” Or “What does your family think of him?”
Just my guess.
Everyone has stories like this, and mine is not to much different, but I do draw the line at describing what I do with my boyfriends outside of the office. Frank wants to know everything everytime I go out on a date, and I mean EVERYTHING. I tell him nothing, but he fills in the blanks himself, and then goes around telling people in the office exactly what we did and where (even tho he knows nothing), to the point that some of the assistants have come up to me and asked me how I did these things in public places with a guy I did not even kiss! I am so over having to explain why I did NOT do these things, let alone where, that I have NOT even responded at all to inquiries from the assistants. FOOEY on Frank. I do not care what he does with his wife (or where), so why does he make up stories about what I do with men (and where)? Doubel FOOEY on him!
I’m an academic and within my research group, we’re pretty lose with those lines. We don’t do a lot of after work socializing because we’re all busy and have family obligations but we know a lot about each other. My boss came to my wedding, and came to visit when my son was a newborn. I’ve dogsat when she was in a pinch and know quite a lot of detail about her family. We had a playdate with my officemate and my grandboss had us all over for a summer garden party last year. I’m very close with our marketing director – we went for a visit over Christmas.
Within the broader department,it depends on the personal relationship. There were 6 of us who had babies within a 12 month period so we have a maternity coven and Whatsapp group.
Also an academic, and honestly this loose lines business is something I really dislike about academic culture. I think an expectation of lots of personal sharing excludes people who wouldn’t fit in socially with co-workers. At least, I have at times kept up a facade of x, when really it’s something that probably shouldn’t be discussed at work.
Ah, that’s really interesting. We are a small bunch and pretty open minded and inclusive but something to think about.
I am an anonymous blip online and at work. Which means my coworkers (and the internet) know all about my cats, the local farm I patron, my favourite cidery, the most delightful cashew cheese maker in the city. I never discuss anything of substance even though I can and do hold long detailed conversations with all my coworkers, its just extended fluff.
Yeah I feel like people (and the interwebs) feel like they know everything about me and they would be surprised at all the things they don’t know.
I am trying to convince my husband of the merits of this strategy. He “doesn’t want to get too personal” at work, so he lets people say whatever they want and says nothing himself. Then he worries that people think he’s a cold fish. He does not like my suggestion of talking about neutral yet somewhat interesting subjects that would allow him to connect with people without revealing any actual personal information.
Cashew cheese? Where do you get that?
This is hilarious because I’m in a leadership role at the school where my three children attend — talk about blurring the personal and professional! But I still have boundaries, they’re just different than when I worked somewhere that I didn’t bring my kids to work every day. I think a lot of this is how I as boss present to my team and colleagues — i.e. I’m careful to keep the conversation not-too-personal when I’m icebreaking, etc. If they want to share, great, but I don’t assume that just because everyone knows my children that they want to tell me their life’s story either.
I draw the line at hearing about my coworker’s teenage son’s s*x life. I would not have minded hearing that he had a girlfriend named Suzie who was nice (or not, as the case may have been), but the discussion of what she was worried about them doing on the couch during a movie and how she planned to surveil them was more than I needed to know.
There are times when my personal life is relevant to my professional life, e.g., I moved to be with my fiance, and then we got married and I took time off for our honeymoon.
Generally, I try to keep my work life separate from my personal life. This is partially from having worked with some extraordinarily slimy men, who would use my personal life (or what they thought of it) against me. I had an advisor who would ask seemingly innocuous questions about family and dating life, then ask ever more intrusive questions… with no clear line between acceptable and intrusive. I worked for an actual sadist who tried to use a friend’s cancer diagnosis (I asked to use PTO to visit) to harass me. At this point, people get a very, very boring version of my life.
At my first professional job, we worked really long hours in close quarters, ate meals together, and saw each other much more than we saw our actual families. It got way WAY too blurry when it came to personal vs professional, and I cringe when I think of some of the detailed personal info we shared with each other. That said, those people are still my good friends several years after moving on from that job. We regularly meet up for lunch and socialize even though a lot of us have moved onto other employers. Incidentally, because of the close friendships I formed there, I have a very strong network and know that I could go work with any of these people again.
My current job is a lot less boundary crossing, but the friendships aren’t as deep and the network is probably not as strong. Still, I like having a bit of distance and I like that not every one knows ever detail of my life, and vice versa.
I work with long-time friends (7 and 25+ years). They know a lot, and we have a lot of common friends/acquaintances too, and sometimes we end up revealing a bit of history among our colleagues. But I am single, and I really don’t talk very much about my dating life. If something takes off, I probably will be forced to, but no discussions of recent history, early dates, etc. And I don’t discuss medical issues at work either. So far I’ve been lucky not to have any issues that interfere with my job, but I don’t need them wondering what my iron count means to them, even if they are discussing their own similar medical issues.
I’m a GC in a company with a lot of engineering and manufacturing work. I’m friendly but private because I really don’t know the culture here well enough (haven’t been in current setting for 1 year yet), and I’m not sure that my alternative/crunchy personal life would be seen as a positive. Or even a neutral. “Me” (woman who thinks for herself, questions authority and tradition and does not think like an old white man) was certainly not welcome in some of the law firms I practiced in years ago, so I learned a lesson (though I would hope an unusually harsh one in exceptional circumstances).
I have learned to keep my personal life private after experiencing that many people are insanely jealous and hateful of others who may be doing well in life and have a happy personal life. I don’t share personal info. and am very vague when people ask me personal questions. It probably seems like I don’t have have much of a life, and that is just fine by me, LOL. My spouse and I do quite well financially and are able to travel nicely and afford nice things. Not one person at work knows this. Many people make assumptions if they find out religious or political views, so I keep all that to myself. I am very friendly, kind, respectful of everyone from every walk of life, but no one really knows me, nor do they know what I have and do outside of work. We have our good friends outside of work that we have known for 20+ years that share our lifestyle and that’s the way we like it. It works out well for us.