This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
2018 Update: We still think this is a great discussion on whether women breadwinners can level the financial playing field — but you may also want to check out our more recent discussion on when women out earn their partners.
Women breadwinners is a topic we've touched on before: we answered a reader question about dating a guy who makes significantly less money, and a few breadwinning readers had some interesting comments on our recent Tales from the Wallet about managing your money after you get married. I was curious (and excited) to hear about an entire new book examining how relationship dynamics change when the woman is the breadwinner, and reached out to the author. Please welcome Farnoosh Torabi, sharing an adapted excerpt from her book When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women. – Kat
Evidently, if you make more than your man, you're more likely to be the one in control of the money. My nationwide survey co-conducted with clinical psychologist Brad Klontz revealed that women who bring home the bigger paycheck are significantly more likely to be the primary decision makers on money matters and take charge of things like paying bills, budgeting, saving, and planning for retirement.
But while such an arrangement has its advantages, it could also be asking for trouble. It calls for a new rule.
A sense of equity between two committed people is important, even if there's an income disparity. But to keep a man’s dignity and sense of engagement, he needs to feel like he plays an important role in the relationship and that he's not completely isolated from the financial decisions. And for a woman to keep her sanity and sex drive alive, she shouldn't have to do the equivalent of a CFO's job after she's gotten home from her 9 to 5 (or 7 to 11).
Consider this scenario: When Kyle lost his job in IT, his social worker wife Lynne suddenly became the breadwinner for their family of six. The Houston couple's income shrank by 50 percent, but their bills continued to pour in. The stress was mounting, so Lynne took it upon herself to manage all of the family’s finances (i.e., paying bills, balancing the checkbook, managing the savings account), while Kyle buried himself in his job search. It felt like she was helping out — why saddle Kyle with more work when he could be polishing his resume and practicing his interview skills? But in taking over the finances, Lynne cut Kyle out of the decision-making process. Yes, she took care of the bills, bought the groceries, but she also did not appreciate when her husband used their discretionary money to buy, say, a new pair of golf shoes. And thus a vicious cycle was born: Kyle, grasping for some sense of autonomy and dignity, started making (and hiding) personal purchases outside of the budget. Lynne then clamped down tighter. Both started to lose respect for the other.
The challenge: How can men and women help each other not just feel, but be accountable for their finances when she makes more? From a practical standpoint, who pays for the mortgage, vacations, and everyday living expenses? From an emotional standpoint, how do you make him feel like a player and that his contributions — financial or otherwise — matter? What steps can a couple take to reach financial fairness? Although he may not make as much, how can he feel as involved with and connected to their shared financial life as she is? The answer lies in the following When She Makes More rule: Level the Financial Playing Field. In every relationship the solutions are different and no one way is necessarily right or wrong, as long as both of you are on the same page and agree to these simple protocols:
- Establish long-term priorities and short-term schedules. If he wants to feel involved and on par with you financially, he needs to roll up his sleeves and commit to some of the dirty work like paying bills, balancing the budget, and paying attention to potential investments for your retirement accounts. First, make sure to get on the same financial page and agree to goals so that there’s no miscommunication. Once you both have a clear picture of the finances, figure out together how you want to delegate money.
- Decide who will manage the bulk of the finances. While every breadwinning woman would do well to monitor finances, that doesn't mean you have to manage it all, too. While neither of you may enjoy handling the family checkbook, it does make sense to delegate money management to the person who is more interested, better organized, or is simply more frugal. Either way, both research and anecdotal evidence shows that couples have to make a decision about which one controls the finances not based on income or gender, and that whoever makes the financial decisions consult with their spouse. Otherwise you risk turning the other person off in more ways than one.
- Stay transparent. Online accounts, such as banking and bill paying (e.g., utilities, mortgage, cable) should be accessible by both you and your partner. This is useful in case of an emergency, and to have a clear picture of your finances. Free websites like Mint.com can provide each member safe and easy access to financial accounts, allowing you to visually track your spending and debt. It also helps to check in together once or twice a month so you're both in agreement with what’s going on with your money. Keep a running list of all online account usernames and passwords including — but not limited to — your family cell phone plan, utilities, mortgage, joint credit cards, brokerage accounts, and insurers. Store a hard copy in a fireproof lock box in your home or safe deposit box, as well as on websites like PassPack.com and Clipperz.com where you can securely store all your household passwords in one place for free. Even if your husband is the one who regularly handles the bills and accounts, make a habit of checking these accounts regularly to make sure they're in good standing.
- Make decisions by committee. That means asking for help from your man when you need it, agreeing to compromise, and admitting when you're in over your head. I do this a great deal in my relationship. It's not easy for a breadwinning wife to admit her weaknesses or ask for help, but it's essential. It's enough to just sometimes call or text and say, “Hey, can we afford this? Should we buy this? Is it worth it? What do you think?” It's critical to admit when you don't know something. It allows your better half to have his voice heard — and, quite possibly, save your financial behind.
- Lose your possessiveness of your money, but don't apologize for your personal splurges. As a breadwinning woman, you have to be prepared to both give up total control of all the financial decisions and a little bit of the lifestyle you feel you can afford (or deserve). As women bringing home more bacon, we have to understand that we are in a partnership. While we've accepted that “my money” is “our money” (to an extent), are we ready to really experience what that means? After all, it may mean downgrading a tad or, to put it nicely, making more economical trade-offs. I won't ask you to give up certain luxuries that you should be proud to afford, but you shouldn't be spending like you’re single. To help create three accounts: mine, yours, and ours. Each of you should allocate a percentage of your income towards the “mine” account for personal discretionary spending that doesn't require a household vote.
- Give his money meaning. If your income is covering a lot of the day-to-day costs of living, your income can easily overshadow his. But even if he's making some money, it's still money that could go toward a vacation, college fund, new car, down payment on a house, or some other big-ticket item farther down the road. These allocations from him not only take away the burden on you to fund everything, but it'll be very rewarding for your husband to know he was able to send his kids to college or fully fund the next big family trip.
Sydney Bristow
This needs to be advice for all couples, regardless of which person is the breadwinner. Having 1 person in charge of the finances can hurt the other partner, regardless of gender. How many times have we seen a lower-earning or stay at home wife wind up completely screwed after a divorce? Women need to be involved or at the very least have access to and know what is going on, regardless of the money they bring home.
hoola hoopa
That’s what I was thinking.
I’m currently the household earner; at other times, DH has been the primary or sole income. These principals hold true no mater the gender of the person earning the money – or even whether there are one or two earners.
NyNW
Great post. I am in the “she makes (much) more” group and I need to read this book. I just downloaded this book to my Kindle on Sunday. (Sorry, Farnoosh, I got it at the library.)
eh230
As a breadwinner wife, I think this is an important topic, but did anyone else think that the post was a little condescending to men? Maybe it’s just my husband, but I think it would make him feel like even less of a man if I were so concerned about his “fragile ego.”
HSAL
I went to the comments to say exactly the same thing. It’s generally good advice for every couple, but yeah, the “give his money meaning” section was very condescending. It’ll be “rewarding” for him to know his income sent his kid to college? How about “our combined incomes allowed us to send our child to college”? I make 70% of our income while my husband is in school but it’s very much ‘our’ money. His money doesn’t make the car and student loan payments while my money pays for everything else.
LH
Yes, I found this incredibly condescending too! I can’t imagine saying to my husband, “your income allowed us to buy X!” Totally agree that it is our combined income that allows us to buy and do what we do.
I think for a lot of people – men and women – the fragile ego comes not from the salary but from a lack of interest/pride in their career. My husband makes a lot less than me, but he loves his career. Because he knows he could easily make more in a different job but chooses to stay in his lower-paying career because it’s what he really wants to do, he doesn’t have any kind of complex about it. And friends in similar situations report the same. Where I’ve seen issues come up is where someone doesn’t enjoy their career and doesn’t have the education or skills to do something else. And when that career is low paying, it compounds the problem, because they don’t have pride in their career or their salary.
Spirograph
I felt that way too. I can’t imagine it making anyone feel better to hear, “yaaaaay, your cute little salary let us go on this vacation!” DH and I have been firmly in the “our money” camp since even before we were married. I was unemployed for a while, he was unemployed for a while, we’ve both had to pick up some slack around the house so the other could focus on school or an especially busy time at work. Money is only part of what goes into keeping a household running smoothly, but the other stuff isn’t cheered as much. I think valuing other contributions is a lot more genuine than trying to get excited about the significantly smaller salary.
I make about 1/3 more than DH, and he sometimes whines about feeling like a failure because I “need” to work (really, we could get by on his salary alone, but live in a high cost area, we like the lifestyle we forged when we were DINKs and we need two salaries to support that. Regardless, I like having a job). The pride thing is real, but sometime in the next few years I probably will quit my job, so I am focusing on driving home the message that other contributions count.
Avril
I did not really find the post condescending, after all the book is about women who make more than their partners. That said, I do think that it is not far fetched for someone to be concerned about the “fragile [male] ego”. I recall reading a NY Times piece about this exact same issue about couples where the wife made more, sometimes friction in the relationship came about because the man felt like the he still somehow needed to prove himself in some other way. And if I remember correctly, that article mentioned that some of those relationships did end up in divorce. Men do have an ego and for some when their partner makes more outwardly they’ll be okay with it but there still might be a little smidgen inside that makes them want to re-assert their “manliness”-for lack of a better word. That’s why books like Farnoosh’s exist.
anon +45
Being in this exact situation for a long time & having several female friends who are too, I’d say that at least anecdotally, this is spot-on. Western culture has taught men that being the breadwinner is a big part of “being a man” & money is very tied up in the prevailing concept of manliness. So when that’s not the case in a relationship, problems may crop up.
Avril
Ditto. I would say it’s not just Western cultures, I think it’s most world cultures. The man was always seen as the provider.
JJ
I kind of agree with this, but maybe my husband is just more evolved. We’ve switched back and forth over who was earning more money at the time, but my husband (and I) only ever saw the combined total as “our money.” Someone asked my husband once what he thought about me earning more, and he just replied with “Then we have more money…I don’t care it comes from, it’s ours.”
So far, that attitude has worked well for us.
anon-oh-no
i like this
BB
Agree. There was a Slate article a while ago written by a woman breadwinner. After chronicling all her frustrations with the situation, she wrote that her solution was to allow her husband to feel better about himself by paying for things once in a while. Like, he can pick up the tab at dinner and you know…”feel like a man.” Ugh.
I get that there are men that feel this way, but isn’t this just enabling bad behavior/values?
Burgher
I thought that some of the approaches could come off as condescending. My litmus test is, if I switch the gender roles around, does it change my gut reaction? Other than the “possessiveness” and “meaning” parts, I think it’s solid advice.
I am not currently the breadwinner, though until very recently I always made slightly more than my husband. Now I make slightly less. We have always seen it as our money. I make more of the big picture financial decisions and he handles the day-to-day bill paying, mostly because those are our individual strengths. OK, honestly, if I had to pay the bills we’d have no electricity and if he had to make the big picture financial plans we’d have no retirement!
However, I suspect that the way we handle money would be different if the income disparity was more lopsided.
AIMS
I actually found this to be somewhat condescending to both genders. I can’t imagine this type of book being written for men. “Don’t scold your wife for getting fancy shoes once in a while – it’s important she feel like it’s her money too! And let her clip some coupons or pay for new curtains so she feels like she’s also contributing, too.”
Not saying that it doesn’t come from some cultural norms. Women tend to feel more comfortable viewing their husband’s earnings and success as their earnings and success, but something about the tone of this piece felt very out of date for both genders.
TXLawyer
I think what made me cringe while reading this post was the feeling that the author is approaching this like a zero-sum game- as if when one partner’s income level and contribution to the family’s wealth increases, the other partner loses power, influence and confidence.
I thought most of the advice was valuable to both people in a partnership regardless of who earns more- be transparent, communicate, appreciate your respective contributions; but the idea that a female primary breadwinner has to protect a man’s dignity ( and her own sex drive?!) when she outearns him is… insulting to all parties involved.
Avril
Good advice. The “Staying transparent” bit can be an even bigger challenge than how much money each person makes. If one person is not entirely honest, it doesn’t matter which plan you make it will not work. Sydney Bristow brought up what can happen after divorce–that’s where it really gets messy if secrets are being kept/have been kept. I also like the “Give his money meaning”: sometimes people feel like their worth is in a way tied to how much they are making. Regardless of whether it’s male or female, everyone would want to feel like they are contributing something to the relationship.
Ellen
Yes, I agree. Women can NOT let men just take over JUST b/c they are a man. I know my ex would have spent all my money even though he was an acountant. On the other hand, I am NOT that interested in figureing out the stock market and interest rates and stuff, so if I could ONLEY find a decent guy to marry who was NOT a drunk and would spend all of my money on alchohol, mabye I would let him manage all of the money, as long as I had enough money left to spend on thing’s I need. It is a VERY thin line that we women have to tread on– do we take over and be labeled as to pushy, or do we just let the man take charge b/c he know’s more about finance’s even if he is a drunk? That is the question. I wish I had an answer to it, b/c I need to get MARRIED and have a child NOW, but do NOT want to make another mistake like I did with Alan. FOOEY!
S'Mores
This post could not be more timely for me. I have recently accepted a new position for almost twice what I am making now and will be moving my family across the state. My husband hates his current job and is sometimes excited about restarting his career towards something more creative (think full-time artist) again. However, his “fragile ego” is rearing its ugly head more and more during this transitory time. I am finding that he is simultaneously appreciative of the fact that I will make enough to cover all of our bills (we have four kids) with room to spare and that he can walk away from his toxic job and start fresh, and he feels threatened and even emasculated at the notion that he will be entirely financially dependent on me for a season. I know there are things I need to do and say to help make this transition better for him and our family. I also know that he needs to get a grip on his own issues and probably needs to find a therapist in our new city, pronto.
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations on the new job! Good luck navigating the transition.
what does he do all day
I see more and more couples where the woman is the breadwinner and the guy does . . . I have no idea. These aren’t stay-at-home dads because the kids all go to daycare (and two children in daycare is expensive).
It seems that if you flipped the genders, you’d think that these are bad mothers who don’t work and yet use day care (not preschool, but full-time day care).
I understand it when you are out of work, full-time child care helps you keep interviews and meetings, but not for years on end. I feel like the man-as-cost-center thing is happening.
Samantha
It isn’t just men though. Here in the Bay Area I see a lot of women married to high-powered men who stay at home and either send their kids to daycare, or have a nanny, or in some cases both!
LH
Yeah, it’s definitely extremely common in the Bay Area for SAHMs to have full-time (or full-time plus) nannies. I’d say most do, at least until the youngest kid is in school. I actually don’t know any guys who stay home and also use nannies/daycare. The very few I do know who stay home take care of their kids.
anonymama
Most? Maybe in certain rarified social circles that is true, but I guarantee you that most SAHMs in the Bay Area do NOT have full-time child care. I am familiar with a pretty well-off group, and the SAHMs that I know have either no regular childcare help or very part-time (like a couple mornings a week) childcare.
BB
While I agree in principle, I have to admit that if I had the resources (and wanted kids), I would totally hire a nanny and spend my life being lazy/doing whatever fun stuff I wanted :)
me too
Oh yeah I would.
what does he do all day
I totally get it if you’re rich, but these people aren’t rich, just working people (so 30K in day care is a lot unless you make a ton of $). Plus, I really love spending time with my children (as does H). If we were rich, we’d eat outor have a cook and have a housekeeper, but be our own nannies.
H and I agree that the only way that the kids go to day care is if both of are working (and making at least 2x day care cost). Otherwise, unless there is lots of free health care or a good 401k match (or it helps build you in a position that will be better long-term, like a judicial clerkship or residency), it doesn’t make sense.
It’s like a lot of careers folded in 2009 and some of those guys never went back to work (which I get if you’re about retirement age, but not if you are in your 40s).
JJ
I think it makes sense when you look at unemployment data over the last several years. The number of people (and men, especially) actively searching for jobs has dropped dramatically. I wonder if your question is an extension of that phenomenon.
Anonattorney
Even if one spouse isn’t making enough to cover the cost of daycare, in my opinion it still makes sense for both parents to work in fulfilling careers instead of staying home with the kids.
First, your kids are only around for 18 years. They will only be in daycare for 5. What will you do once they are in school full time? If you stayed home, you just lost 5 years (at least, longer if you have multiple kids) of work experience. You will be behind your peers and won’t have as many job opportunities open to you when you go back to work. I think any parent who has an interest in building an actual career should seriously consider working at least part-time instead of taking time off. Careers are not just about money – they are also about personal fulfillment. At some point your kids are grown and gone, and if you’ve spent 18+ years focusing on your kids’ needs and not your own, you’re not going to have much left for yourself in the second half of your life. Or, you’re just going to have to rebuild, which I suppose is also fine.
Second, daycare can be very very good for kids. They get socialized, they learn a number of different skills, they have certain lessons reinforced by multiple adults and authority figures, etc.
If it’s the difference between an entirely unfulfilling job (without the possibility or drive to pursue something that really feeds your soul) or spending time with your kids, then I think you go with family all the way. If it’s the difference between laying the groundwork for a long and satisfying career, I think you have to seriously consider taking the financial and emotional hit for a few years and put the kids in daycare.
tesyaa
I had a lot of help when I was SAHM, and I’m not ashamed of it. I have a lot of kids, but even with a smaller family I can see it. It’s not always fun to take a toddler on a big grocery shopping run, or to wake up a sleeping baby to pick up an older sibling at preschool. If you can afford it, why the heck not?
what does he do all day
I agree for 6 children, especially if you have a spouse who works >40 hours a week and/or travels a lot.
But for two children (and I think all of our oldest children go to kindergarten next year) or one child?
Again, not rich people. People for whom 40K of income (esp. if it came with any health insurance) would be a significant contribution to household income.
Anon
I have seen something like this but not exactly this in my immediate family. We are Indians. My cousin was here because her husband was relocated here for 2.5 years on work. She had a baby last December. She is a stay at home mom and it was her first baby.Her mother was here for 2.5 months to take care of her and the baby. After her mom left, they had a weekly cleaning service and most of the days she would ask her husband to get restaurant food. After two months she went back to India saying that it is difficult for her to take care of the baby alone. Till that point, we just felt that it might have been difficult for her. It turned hilarious for us, when her mother and some of the aunts who are close to her family started praising her for raising the baby for two months which according to them was an incredibly difficult task to do.
tesyaa
FYI, the expression “breadwinner” doesn’t refer to which spouse is “winning” (i.e. earning more). It refers to earning “bread”. IMO both spouses can be breadwinners, even if they don’t earn the exact same dollar amount.
tesyaa
Posted in the wrong place…
Meg Murry
I feel like this has come up before and I’ll say again – it’s none of your business.
-Maybe he’s volunteering at the daycare to cover some of the cost
-Maybe a family member is paying for it so they don’t lose the daycare spot
-Maybe one of the children has special need and the cost is partially covered by early childhood special Ed
-Maybe they got a scholarship to cover part of the cost
-Maybe he’s taking classes in order to made himself more employable
-Maybe he’s taken a menial job and is embarrassed by it and would rather nosy people like you think he’s unemployed than working so far beneath him
-Maybe the reason he’s not working is due to a medical condition or disability and he can’t handle full time all day care of the kids
-Maybe he (or she, or the kid) has a trust fund, just got a large inheritance, or has some kind of crazy stock options from working at a startup years ago that went big.
-Maybe he’s freelancing, consulting or doing some kind of under the table work.
-Maybe he’s in treatment for depression and getting out of bed each day to drop the kids off at daycare is all he can handle
Again, the possibilities are endless. But unless it is YOUR husband, or the wife is complaining to you about it – stay out of their personal and financial business.
-From someone who’s kids were in fulltime daycare while I didn’t work due to a combination of some of the above reasons.
Ginjury
Thank you, Meg. Who cares what other families are doing? Clearly they feel they have the means to have one spouse stay home and send the kids to daycare. Why are you so concerned with their income or how they live their lives? How does what they’re doing impact you?
Spirograph
If I could afford it, I would definitely have a nanny at least part time, even if I weren’t working, or if my husband weren’t. Obviously we love spending time with our kid, but there are a lot of necessary tasks that are just so much easier if you don’t have to wrangle a toddler at the same time. Also, sanity breaks. With all the respect in the world to people who pull it off, I don’t see the point in running yourself ragged trying to take care of everything all the time if you don’t need to. IMHO, money is best spent adding joy to the world, and the joy I get from grocery shopping alone, or coming home to my clean house the day the cleaning lady comes is kind of ridiculous.
LH
I get what tesyaa is saying about how it could be helpful to have childcare if you have multiple kids and they have different needs, or why you’d want some relief from childcare even if you’re not working, but I guess I don’t get why someone who doesn’t work would leave all their kids with nannies for 40 hours a week or more. The SAHMs I was thinking of pretty much aren’t with their kids at all during the week – they fill their schedules with social events, exercise classes, beauty appointments, etc. and only relieve the nannies late at night and on the weekends, like a working parent would do (and some have weekend nannies too!). If you want to spend your life “doing whatever fun stuff” you want, why even have kids?
tesyaa
I don’t totally get it either, but I wouldn’t judge someone unless they were clearly a neglectful parent.
Anonymous
I don’t know any SAHDs, but I see this a lot among my married friends in their late 20s and early 30s. The couple got married in college or grad school, then the wife got a good job after graduation and the husband just kind of coasted. Some of the husbands go back to school, some pursue a non-lucrative pipe dream, and others do… I don’t even know what. Some of the couples stay married and others don’t. Maybe in a couple of years these guys will become the type of SAHDs you’re referring to? They HAVE to have childcare during the day because how ELSE will they have time to develop their revolutionary iPhone app/work on their DOTA team/brew craft beer in the basement/write the next great American novel?
Wildkitten
Are they writers? I think writers look like they stay home and do nothing, but they are writing.
Lobbyist
I need this book! Great post. My H is under-employed (entrepreneur — he works but doesn’t make any money) so I’ve got to pay for child care as well as for all household expenses. It’s been this way for many years and is one of the reasons that led to us recently separating. If I have to give him money for the rest of my life (we have been married more than 10 years so I would have to pay alimony forever) I don’t want to be married to him. I’ve said we can discuss reconciliation when he is prepared to contribute financially to the family — whether that be some money, or doing. the child are and housecleaning. But after many years of me doing all the earning plus all the grocery shopping, the laundry, the hiring and overseeing of nanny and him doing occasional child care, I realized that I had allowed myself to become the over functioner and allowed him to become the under functioner. I was exhausted and resentful. If I have to do it all myself, then if I’m alone I at least get to do it my way and not clean up after him too. The problem is I do love him, he has other good qualities and he is a good dad, so I hope our separation will enable him to figure out how he can contribute more to the family effort. If it doesn’t, I am also learning I can and will survive without him.
commiserate
Your bit about allowing him to coast while you picked up the slack is exactly what is going on in our house, I feel. I am sure he feels differently. Hubs earns 55% of our income, so there’s hardly any bread-winning between the two of us. But he recently handed over ALL of the finances (and we were and are both terrible money managers), plus the childcare tends to fall on me, as does the scheduling, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and the list goes on. I do get resentful when he sits on the couch and tends to his social media on the ipad while I am doing household things, but the truth of it is, I don’t want to start a fight. It is not a battle I want to pick. Yes it makes me resentful, but there are certainly other, different characteristics of mine that he would hold over my head if we started a pissing match. And it’s hard to have a conversation about dividing up household duties without it sounding like a “I do this, this, this, this, this, this, this, and all you do is that?” type conversation.
Tinkerbell
That is really tough. Is it possible to outsource work? Cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare, etc – pay for it. Pay for your sanity. There’s no reason for you to do everything by yourself.
Another Lawyer
Perhaps he is the kind of person who needs more specific instructions? Like maybe you can ask him to cook 1 night a week, or make the bed daily, or unload the dishwasher, yardwork, etc. since he handed the finances part to you? You don’t have to rattle off a list of what you do, you can just ask if he could take care of X from then on, and then when he’s mastered that, give him another task, etc. Or, perhaps the two of you can decide to outsources some tasks, like cleaning, with your dual income? When I brought up that request to my DH, he decided on his own to take on more household tasks.
tesyaa
FYI, the expression “breadwinner” doesn’t refer to which spouse is “winning” (i.e. earning more). It refers to earning “bread”. IMO both spouses can be breadwinners, even if they don’t earn the exact same dollar amount.
commiserate
true–“breadwinning” is about the bread (or the bacon). I simply used the term to imply that there isn’t a lot of discrepancy between our (meager) salaries. I can certainly see how resentment could build in either partner when one earns significantly more than the other. But, as we see above, there are plenty of folks who have a big salary discrepancy between themselves and their mates, but who choose to view it all as communal money. To me, my 45% feels an awful lot like 50%, so I don’t really think of one of us earning way more than the other. He does earn more, but it sure isn’t a lot more. With my impending raise (!!!!!), it will close the gap even more.
Maggie
Yes I noticed the term “breadwinner” used in place of of “primary breadwinner” in the article and some of the discussion.
Annie
I am currently the breadwinner, and with a joint account my husband usually takes out his card from this account to pay for our meals. Maybe we need to socialize the service industry not to automatically put the check in front of the man at a table… this is a partnership, after all.
AIMS
I am not sure this is on topic but I was recently out to dinner and at the next table was an older gentleman, a mid 40s/early 50s woman, and a boy of about 16-17. When the check came, before the waitress could even put it down the older man said, “now, now – don’t be sexist!” The woman he was with then took the check. My guess is that this was his daughter and the whole meal was some kind of celebration (maybe they were treating grandpa to a birthday dinner?), but something about it made me smile.
Agree about it being silly that the check is always placed in front of the man, but when I am paying with my card I always enjoy grabbing the check and pulling out my own wallet. I’d encourage more women to do the same. What gets me is when I pay and the CC slip is still returned to the male at the table. That’s just not paying attention.
Anonymous
While I think you’re right that it’s usually placed in front of the man, I think is just as equally the norm for it to be placed in front of the older person so that could’ve been the case in your example. I make more than my mother (thanks in large part to her support) and enjoy taking her out to nice dinners and on vacations. The check always gets handed to her and returned to her even after I’ve clearly taken the folder and put my card in, and hotel clerks will make eye contact with her at check in even though the reservation is under my name and credit card and I’m the one standing in front (she’s also about 7 inches taller than the average person, so it’s a little odd that they are going to the effort of making eye contact with her rather than average me).
Wildkitten
I had a friend who was a server and always wanted to just throw the check onto the floor and see who lunged for it rather than navigate the minefield of where to put it on the table. (Obviously actually doing this would be weird and rude).
Philanthropy Girl
I’m the breadwinner in our family, but for my own sanity asked DH to manage all of our finances. It took me a long time to get over the “this is my money, why are you spending it” attitude. Once I settled down into “this is our money,” and he got better at communicating our budget it has gotten easier.
Allowing DH to manage the money has been a God send. I find finances stressful (regardless of how much or how little I have), but DH grew up on a shoestring budget in a third world country – so he is comfortable and adept at managing money when it’s tight. We both sleep better at night with him in charge of the finances, event if I’m the one “bringing home the bacon.”
As we’ve been muddling our way through this, we’ve hit upon most of the points mentioned in the article. As we have, things have become easier.
SheWhoBrokeHerLeg
I’m also in the midst of a divorce where this was one (of many) issues. I’ve always been the primary breadwinner, and it was fine until we had kids. Societal pressures from his family and our friends here in the South kept him from ever assuming additional family responsibility. Rather than telling his mother we had a partnership and that meant he occasionally runs the dishwasher and swiffers the floors, he allowed them to bully me for “forcing” him to do more — he never stepped up with parenting and chores. He never was willing to concede to anyone that he wasn’t the breadwinner and I tried to respect his need to not talk about that publicly. I just got tired of being the breadwinner, chief parent, homemaker, social planner, etc. Even if the two of you are happy with your financial situation, I would advise you to talk openly about how to deal with outside pressures to conform to those traditional gender roles.
Philanthropy Girl
I am very sorry that your situation has become so painful. I wish you the best as you seek work through all of the legal, financial and emotional issues involved.
I couldn’t agree with your thoughts more. Our situation only really became workable when my husband claimed it as his own. We’ve discussed our choices with our families and those who serve as mentors for us, and we know they are encouraging us in something that still feels a bit “counter-cultural” – especially here in small-town conservative mid-west.
Anon for this
I definitely did not like her example. If one partner loses their job, then yes, they certainly need to focus on the job search. But they also need to take all of that free time they now have and do all those things that need to get done for the family. It’s just a matter of free time. If the genders were reversed, the stereotypical man would not absorb a ton of the household work to make life easier for the now-jobless wife. He would double down at work and make sure that money was still pouring into the family. That’s the path the female primary breadwinner should take as well. It’s important that someone has a job and is making money. The husband can fill his copious amounts of free time balancing the checkbook, meal-planning, grocery shopping, going through the house and selling excess stuff on ebay, networking, job-searching, etc.
[Also, whenever someone tells me that a job-search is a full-time job, I just laugh. Please. I’ve been there. You wake up, check job postings, if you find a couple you update your resume and cover letter and shoot off a couple applications. That’s an hour or two, tops, a day. You then make some lunch or coffee dates, maybe 4 or 5 a week. Another 1.5 hours a day. Maybe you hit a few evening networking events. 5 hours a month. It’s just not a full-time job.]
Men need to suck it up. I know it’s easier said than done, but it is not a woman/wife’s job to baby the poor fragile ego of her husband because he feels bad that he is making less money. If his entire sense of self-worth is caught up in how much money he makes then alarm bells should sound. The more men like this that find women who are willing to date them, let alone marry them, the more we feed antiquated gender stereotypes. I’m over it.
Wildkitten
I think a job search is a full time energy job. You have time to do other things, like the dishes, but searching for a job is exhausting and demoralizing more than it is time consuming.
Anon
I disagree (wallowing is a waste of time and energy), but even if that’s true, you still have hours in your day to be productive and get household chores done. Better to do that than sit on the couch for hours on end wallowing in self-pity.
Anonymous
Completly agree with this. I’ve always made more than my DH. When he lost his job, I came home to a clean house and cooked meal every night. There is absolutely no reason I should be taking on more, and it allowed us to have a better night together because we could eat together and he could vent/talk about the day. I stepped it up in emotional support because I know its difficult to be unemployed, but why one earth would I be doing more.
Liz
I currently make about the same amount as my long-term boyfriend (within $2K of each other) and previously was making more. We have never really had conflict about money, including when I was making more – he would joke to our close friends that it meant I would buy him more presents, and he has always been very proud and supportive of my career. To further relationship harmony, I can’t recommend strongly enough that each partner individually gets his/her finances under control. We’re frugal people, and I think that plays into neither of us caring what the other makes, because there’s no financial stress involved.
Kiki
I don’t like when articles state we need to be sensitive to their feelings and make them feel like men. Please. We’re equals.
Senior Counsel
I have always earned more than my husband and that gap has only widened over the years (I make about 5 times his salary). However, we have managed to FEEL like equals because we ARE equals. Sure, I make more money but a marriage is about so much more.
We only have 1 combined bank account and use the same credit card for our purchases. Since all of our money is commingled there is never a feeling of him paying for this or me paying for that – it always feels like WE are paying for OUR lifestyle. The same holds true for chores – he does the majority (okay, all) maintenance and yard work while I focus on keeping the inside of the house nice and tidy.
We are considerate of the other and always talk about big purchases (I had to hear a lot about his purchase of a smoker and a fishing kayak last year while he hears and advises me on my expensive shoes and handbag purchases). We share our big purchase decision-making not out of obligation but because we genuinely care about the other’s opinion. In most cases we have to encourage each other to make big purchases by reminding the other that they are entitled to nice things.
As DINKS we have plenty discretionary income, so our finances are never really an issue for us (our arguments instead focus on each other’s families – sigh).