Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Wool Day Jacket

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A woman wearing a short sleeve checkered wool jacket and denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Well-made, splurge-y workwear can be hard to come by in the plus size space, but Kat’s recent roundup included some delightful options. (Thanks, Kat!)

Frances Valentine was co-founded by the late Kate Spade after she sold her stake in her eponymous company. There seems to be a lot of inspiration taken from vintage pieces, and this day jacket is a perfect example. Pair it with a short-sleeved sweater and a pair of trousers for an old-school sophisticated look. 

The jacket is $398 at Frances Valentine and comes in sizes XS-3X.

Looking for something more affordable? Check out this Talbots blazer, available in four size ranges for $199.

Admin Note: Some posts seem to be missing from Tuesday/Wednesday of last week — they're still there, just not in the displayed feed. If you need/want to check them, these are the URLs… thank you for your patience while we work through these tech headaches! (Although the commenting issues are HOPEFULLY fixed, please keep me posted…)

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

311 Comments

  1. I’m lying awake early and thought I’d do a quick update post. A few weeks ago, I posted about whether or not to attend a family memorial service about 2 hours away (with traffic) at 35 weeks gestation (forgot if I said 36 weeks in the post, which is what I thought it was at the time). I had ultimately decided not to go after having several urgent hospital visits in the third trimester for issues that ended up being ok (sent home same day). Then in the week before the memorial, a whole new issue that was never on my radar arose and I was back at the hospital again urgently, was induced early (which failed) and then underwent a C-section the day before the memorial. Our baby is in the NICU now but hopefully will do great.

    I appreciate the advice here and am glad I ultimately listened to my instincts. I didn’t like the feeling of being far from the hospital in the third trimester at all.

    1. Best wishes for healing for you and health to your baby.

      I am most certainly not one of those “listen to your mama heart” women. I’m ice cold and tell people to listen to the results of double blind, controlled clinical studies. That said, pregnancy intuition is real, and it makes sense that it would be; we know our bodies and we do have a sense if things aren’t quite right.

      1. Absolutely. Even for the final issue that arose, I had to advocate for myself – the receptionist told me I didn’t need to go to the hospital based on lab results because that would be “extreme.” I went away and then they didn’t let me leave.

    2. Good for you for listening to your instincts. That will serve you well in your motherhood journey. Best wishes to you and your little one.

    3. Wow, what an update. Best wishes for you and your family and thanks for letting us know how it shook out!

    4. Good on you for listening to your instincts. Wishing you and the new baby the best!

    5. Wow, what a journey! So glad you are well and many congratulations on your sweet new arrival!

    6. Thank yo so much for this update. I am a former NICU mom (my NICU baby is now 13!) and I’m happy to offer any of the things I learned or support, if you need it.

  2. Any experience/stories about the wisdom of installing basement egress windows simply to get more natural light in? Our basement is large and finished, but dark. The older I get, the more I crave natural light, and am debating taking two very small windows (maybe 24″ inches wide, 18″ tall) that are almost at ceiling height and having them expanded into actual egress windows to get a bit more natural light down there. Any good or bad experiences with this type of project? We can afford it (initial research is about $4K per window).

    1. Would it really increase the amount of light in a meaningful way? I don’t have a basement but my in-laws do and the egress window they have just stares out at a gross spider and leaf filled pit with ladder steps in the side. It’s not really a source of light.

      What about investing in better lighting instead?

      1. We have pretty good lighting now – it is recessed LED lights and a vast improvement over what we had before. But fair question – need to think about how much sun that side of house gets.

    2. My sister installed an egress window and it worked well. Have a look at Well Expert on youtube for ideas on how to make a well aesthetically appealing…also, probably Pinterest. You do not want the well to be an eyesore, so thinking about that will help you get a nice outcome.

    3. Is it on the south or west side of your house? If north side, it may not help much.

    4. If you don’t actually care about the safety issue, I might try a higher end sun lamp first. I’d need one anyway because the amount of extra natural light wouldn’t be enough for me.

    5. I think it depends on which side of the house has the windows. Our egress windows face east and there’s another house right next door. They don’t provide a lot of a natural light. Maybe if the windows are south facing you could get more light.

    6. My concern would be whether the benefit would outweigh risk in home safety and things like potential flood impact and potential effects on insulation.

      1. Same, windows are one of the main sources of leaks and I’d be concerned about that. I just would t expect a basement area to be all that naturally lit and I’d lean into cozy and dark myself.

        1. Since it’s a basement, I think I’d lean into the dark and cozy, too, even though I love love love natural light.

          I’m not sure, OP. My parents’ home has the larger egress windows you’re talking about, and I don’t know that they add that much light. Their basement is still significantly darker than the main level. They also have had issues with critters getting down into the window well.

    7. We have them… they don’t really feel like they bring in a lot of light, and we have window film over them to hide the ugly. They’re also a PITA in the garden.

      What kind of activities were you hoping to do in the basement? Can you move things like the TV room to the basement to reclaim more well-lit spaces?

      1. OP here: both my home office and my crafting area are in this part of the basement – with built in furniture, so not really an option to move upstairs. Trust me, I’ve considered it!

        1. Are your led bulbs “daylight” or “soft white”? The color of the bulbs makes a real difference.

          1. I find that “daylight” bulbs are actually the opposite–they make the room look simultaneously dim and harshly lit. Soft white seems brighter and more natural to me.

        2. For the cost of your window project, you could have your built in furniture demolished and the space refinished, and you could relocate things.

    8. When I was a teenager, my room was in the basement and it had a really large north facing window that made it a lot brighter. I think the key was that my parents had it landscaped so it wasn’t just a straight tunnel down – more like this:

      https://www.pinterest.com/pin/421086633884369403/

      They actually have it sloped on both sides out quite a ways and it’s grass, but I remember it was a pain to mow growing up. The rock landscaping in the picture above looks easier.

      I just looked at a bunch of pictures of egress windows, and I think the big thing is going to be how it is landscaped on the outside. If you have the space to give yourself breathing room all around the window, then I think you’ll get some better light. If not, then I think it’s going to be kind of looking into a tunnel-y.

    9. Interested in this as well. Our basement doesn’t have any egress currently (shockingly, the building dept allowed it to be removed by a prior owner’s addition), and we do have a couple small windows that let in a ton of light just given the angle they offer. I’m definitely considering changing one of those to an egress window – when we were looking at houses there was a basement we saw that had one done really well where it made the basement feel very bright and from the outside didn’t look weird.

    10. It really depends on what side of the house you’re on and how big the windows are. My parents had a north facing basement egress window (actually 3+ ft tall), and it added a dim daylight, but really not bright sunlight.

  3. How do you “move on” from a very close friend slowly fading you and stop wondering what went wrong? Friend and I used to hang out frequently and for the past 6 months, she has barely responded or is unavailable if I try to reach out. Saw her over the weekend at a mutual friend’s event and small talk conversation felt awkward to me. I sent her a text along the lines of “Hey, it was good to see you.. its been a while since we hung out, just wanted to check in and see if everything is ok?” and she responded “yeah, everything’s good! thanks for asking”. I responded (as a last hail mary attempt) with “that’s good. would you be interested in getting coffee sometime?” and crickets…

    1. Have had this happen and it’s so painful – it is like they decided to relegate you to their last tier of friendship – casual acquaintance. I would mourn the friendship, while being grateful for the good parts, but just move on. Try not to let the end of the friendship sour you on the parts that were good while it lasted. But focus your energy on other friends, activities that you enjoy and will allow you to meet new people who are receptive, and wish her well.

    2. OP update:
      she responded “I have a lot going on right now and I’ve been trying to be mindful with how I commit my time so maybe another time”

      1. Ouch. I guess at least she gave you an answer, but that would hurt my feelings, too.

        1. Therapists. She may mean well and struggling to communicate that she’s treading water to keep from drowning right now. Or she may have some petty conflict in mind and is weaponizing therapy speak to be passive aggressive. It’s frustrating that there’s no way to tell!

          1. I’m struggling to see what else someone could say when they don’t want to get into details. Seems better than just no reply.

          2. I think at least drop the “mindful with how I commit my time”. That makes it sound like OP is not worth the time on the schedule. Just the “I have a lot going on right now but maybe later” would have been okay.

          3. Right, but OP isn’t worth the time, and sometimes when people are overwhelmed it is a challenge to practice the niceties of being polite — perhaps the friend was getting stressed out by the constant reach-outs by the OP and the subtle (dare I say polite?) hints that she is not currently available weren’t working (too subtle and obtuse?), so she spelled it out to make it stop. Message sent and received!

        2. Agreed. But social media and certain therapists promote some really, really toxic crap these days, like ghosting dear friends who get pregnant faster than you.

        3. I agree it feels very…corporate. But when one is detaching from a friend, there’s really no “right” way to say things, especially if it’s not really logical/defensible or it’s something that will make the friend really upset. Like let’s say OPs BF or GF (or whoever) hit on Friend last time they all hung out and Friend now feels she’s in a no-win situation. Or Friend has explained to OP what they’re struggling with and OP got very hurt, upset, and lashed out (this has happened to me when I tried to warn and work with friends who were getting very hard to be around, and they freaked out and really lashed out. Welp, they got slow-ghosted basically, and they would have been confused but I did try to be direct at first). Or maybe Friend has decided in her mind she’s on the Marriage Track and OP is still in the Fun Party Stage or whatever, and doesn’t know how to articulate this without hurting OP.

        4. I’ve texted something similar to an exhausting friend I couldn’t deal with anymore. I knew if I gave specifics she would spiral, insist we need to discuss it, then litigate the details. I’m not saying OP is like my ex friend, but people use this language when they’re trying to be polite but think that sharing details will be difficult for one party.

      2. Honestly that could easily be me. I’m in my 5th round of IVF this year, my dog died, I’m deeply depressed, and I just can’t maintain as many friendships as before, and I don’t have the energy to handle that perfectly. I’m sorry the wording didn’t hit right, but I would try to rise above, reply something like “thinking of you heart emoji” and remember that life is long and if you can allow friendships to ebb gently out you can also welcome them back in later.

        1. Hugs to you. I disagree with the above posters that the wording is problematic. Sometimes you are not ready to share what ‘a lot going on’ is about.

          1. I guess I’d expect something different from a person who was going through a lot but wanted to keep ties, like “a lot is happening right now. I can’t get into it now but will share more when I’m on the other side. Love you and miss you.” The response she got sounds like the person isn’t interested in keeping the ties.

          2. Yeah I have a friend whose mother had a cancer and it was a very complicated situation – she sent a message more like what Anon @ 10:25 said and it was perfectly understandable. Of course friendships ebb and flow but talking like HR doesn’t help with that

          3. I agree with 10:25. That is a human response from a person in a healthy emotional place.

        2. I am very very sorry that you are dealing with so much right now, but tbh, I would not reply at all if I were in the OP’s shoes. She sent two nice messages already and got very cold responses in return. There is no need to say anything else.

        3. I agree with this. Something like “hope everything turns out okay, I’m here if you need anything” is kind. If there actually is a lot going on, that’s a kindness, and if she’s just ditching you, whatever, she’ll keep on doing that.

      3. If it’s someone who was a good friend, I try to give grace in these situations. I know my SIL pulled back from a lot of people when both her parents had cancer at the same time. She had a lot of support within the family but between two parents with cancer and 3 small kids, she had zero time and even managing conversations with different friends became overwhelming. She attended group events like weddings and baby showers but not much else. When she did have a free minute, she just wanted to take a hot bath or zone out in front of the tv.

        And in my mid 40s, I’ve seen a number of marriages fall apart unexpectedly so I think you never really know what someone is going through or what ‘a lot going on’ means whether it is parents, kids, work, marriage etc. People react differently to tough situations; some reach out and some pull back. Don’t take it personally.

        1. I’ve learned that I have a habit of pulling way, way back when life gets hard. I think initially I find myself failing to reciprocate or pulling my weight, and then I feel guilty about this and it spirals.

          1. I wouldn’t say “everything’s good” in response to a question specifically about whether things are okay though!

          2. +1 to Anon at 10:20 – I pull away too and I know it’s not the best thing. But I similarly would never send a message like that.

    3. This happened to me. Friend and I basically did not speak for about a year and after multiple attempts I basically gave up and wrote off the friendship. She sent me a long, apologetic voicemail on my birthday and explained that she had been dealing with a lot- infertility, death in the family, her husband losing her job, etc – and just didn’t have the capacity. She sincerely apologized for having been a bad friend during that time. I accepted her apology and told her I understood. We aren’t quite as close as we were, but we’re on good terms now. I think part of friendship is accepting that sometimes people need space and it’s not necessarily about you.

    4. It’s hard to remember but it’s almost never about you. Sometimes it is about the kind of friend you are though. Not everyone is someone’s first call in a crisis. Some people bug people in a particular way that’s too much depending on what’s going on. Sometimes you’re not the person they want in a crisis. It doesn’t mean the friendship is over, it just means it’s on pause for the moment.

      1. Thanks for articulating this. Though it’s not really that some people bug me in some way, but I think that they’ll be uncomfortable with my in crisis self. Maybe they are the friends who hold me to higher standards or support my ambitions, which I appreciate and admire! But I’m less likely to make plans with them when I’m not actively making plans with anyone, but that doesn’t mean that someone else won’t simply insist on coming over to do the dishes, make dinner, and finish unpacking those boxes, even if my place is a wreck because I’ve barely been home in a week. Maybe I’m a coward for not wanting to face disappointment from my cheerleaders, but sometimes it’s easier to be around people who won’t basically share my distress.

    5. Sympathy because I’m going through the same thing. We have been friends for more than 20 years, and then this year I hardly speak to or see her at all, she’s not responsive to me. Meanwhile, I see her posting on IG doing fun things with other friends that I’m never included in. It’s really, deeply hurtful. There was no tipping point, we didn’t have a fight or anything like that – just out of the blue, I’m not good enough for her anymore I guess. It feels like a death tbh – like I’ve lost someone.

    6. is it possible she’s avoiding you until after the election? a lot of people get triggered by other people, as we see here

    7. Bear in mind, this is a friend of only six months — how “very close” were you, really? It seems from her final message that she has spelled out that she is overwhelmed and just can’t even right now. It’s likely not personal, although understandably, given your perception of this friendship, you are taking it personally. That’s ok, but you can’t make her make room for you in her life, friendship is a give and take, ebb and flow, and this seems to be an ebb in the relationship. Given the short-term nature of your relationship, don’t be surprised if it never picks back up again, but it could, if you respond kindly, without blame or recrimination or passive-aggressiveness (not saying that’s how you would respond, just as examples of the final nail in the coffin). Also, can we not police how persons undergoing a stressful situation write their messages? As I mentioned elsewhere in this comment thread, she probably was trying in earlier messages to hint that she cannot respond in kind, and when you persisted in contacting her, she felt the need to be explicit, once and for all. Again, that doesn’t mean future contact is impossible, but I suggest you let it go and if she contacts you in future, what a lovely surprise that might be! And yes, this is about her, not about you.

      1. I doubt this changes your opinion, but I think the friend has been blowing off OP for the last 6 months, not that they have only been friends for 6 months. At least that is how I read it.

      2. No–reading comp fail. The person has been pulling away for 6 mos. The friendship is longer than that.

      3. Oh, sorry, got it, thanks! It’s too bad, but in all relationships, it does take two to tango. No matter how much we wish, we can’t make other people like us or respond favorably to reach-out. Seems like this friendship is on a pause, at best, and over, at worst. Condolences.

    8. I don’t really love how she worded that, OP, if I put myself in your shoes.

      But I would say she has answered your question. She doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.

      You are not going to find out why, and even if you did, it wouldn’t be better or easier than what you know now.

    9. I am doing this with a friend because she just doesn’t seem interested in what’s happening in my life. Never even asks how I am. Never follows up. Nothing. And so I’m doing a slow fade.

  4. Any experience with Julia Bo shoes? Quality? True to size or small/large? I want some interesting oxfords and loafers and the Office of Angela Scott is just more than I want to pay for shoes.

  5. For those that have been following my saga of separating from my alcoholic abusive husband, the final chapter has played out. His sister found him dead last night, possibly a heart attack or possibly an overdose. I am in shock, but this is the end of the story. The divorce and court cases are now irrelevant, and I and his family have to put their pieces back together. Thank you for listening over the last 8 months, your support and advice have been more helpful than you could imagine. X

    1. Oh my, what a story. I am so sorry for your loss and the shock, and while it provides a full conclusion, I am sure this will be difficult. hugs to you.

    2. I am sorry it ended this way. I hope it is some small comfort to know there is a whole community of women here thinking of you and wishing you peace.

    3. I’m so, so sorry to read this. Please be kind and loving to yourself as it sinks in.

    4. I’m so sorry. As someone who has divorced someone with serious mental health issues, I imagined this happening a million times. My heart goes out to you. Please know that this was never in any way your fault. All the best for your future, may it be incredibly bright.

      1. Sending. Also please be very gentle with yourself for the next little while — you’ve had a huge shock and may not be operating at 100%.

    5. Oh dear heavens. That’s… awful. My condolences to you, his sister, and his family.

    6. Oh, my. This made me gasp. OP, I hope you are surrounding yourself with the support you need. Therapists, family, friends. This is not your fault. I wish you so very much peace in the days ahead. We’re not done listening. This doesn’t end with his death – there’s still much for you to process, literally and emotionally. Please do keep checking back in. Take care.

    7. I’m going to give you anonymous stranger permission to feel glad an abusive jerk is out of your life once and for all. It’s ok if you don’t feel sorry (and, of course, ok if you do). I find that people sometimes remember abusers with rose-colored glasses and there is pressure on the victims to “remember the good.” I think it’s ok to be glad when vicious people who hurt us no longer can; I would be. Hugs to you.

      1. Slightly different framing: it’s absolutely OKAY to have a wide range of not-pretty emotions about this, from relief to guilt to regret to apathy.

      2. Agreed. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of relief when I was informed that my father died.

    8. I’m so sorry. I’m sure emotions are all jumbled. Please remember that your gut knew you needed to leave for your own safety and it was right.

    9. Oh my goodness, sending you so many good thoughts. I hope that over time you are able to find some peace.

    10. I have thought of you so often over these past months. Thank you for being generous enough to share this update. Sending you much love from across the pond.

    11. Sending you so much love. I hope that the chapter that is just opening for you becomes one of hope and healing and joy, and that you eventually find ways to honor the pain and strength of the chapter that has just closed. Take care of yourself as the grief waves come. We’ll be here if you need to vent.

    12. Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s really hard, even when you wanted to close the chapter. Thinking of you.

    13. Oh my goodness. Not what I was expecting as an update. How are you doing/feeling? (((hugs)))

    14. I +10,000 what everyone else has said. Having the court cases finished almost certainly will make your life easier. Brand new emotions are probably just starting and so is a lot of estate-related work. So to the extent you consider this the end of the story, it’s not – it’s a new chapter that you weren’t expecting and that you’ll have to work through emotionally and logistically. So please remember to give yourself grace, space, feelings, etc. as you process through what has happened, including so much tragedy in his life.

    15. I gasped to read this. I am so sorry. As everyone has already said, please give yourself grace and know that you have many internet strangers wishing you strength and peace.

    16. It’s the end in many ways, but it could also be the beginning of a new grieving process & restarting your life. I hope you find peace with this and also go on to build something great for yourself. Which is to say, keep updating us if you feel like it :)

    17. I’m so sorry to hear this — agree with everyone else to give yourself grace. Take bereavement leave if you can.

    18. Oh my word. Condolences to you and his family. Give yourself grace during this difficult time.

    19. Oh my goodness, I have been following and this comes as a shock to me too. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and wish you comfort and peace.

    20. Oh my goodness, what a shock this must be! Needless to say, one can never know what is in the mind of another person, and this is definitely not your fault or caused by the separation and divorce and so forth, just in case it helps to hear that from an Internet stranger. Hugs.

    21. Oh my god, I am so sorry. For everything you’ve been through. Sending lots of virtual love your way.

    22. Oh goodness, what a shock. Like others, I wish you peace and healing as you process all of this in the days/weeks/months to come. Continue to take care of yourself and post here if it helps!

    23. I am so sorry to hear this, for you and his family. Sending you strength and healing.

    24. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me. I finally left my alcoholic spouse, and I took him to court for support. He ended up committing suicide the morning of what should have been our settlement conference. I was traumatized (landlord found him, not me, thank God!), dealing with all the grief of what-might-have-been, the bills, the landlord, the everything. It took months for me to sleep more than a few hours a night again. It’s incredibly hard. Oh, and only my clients stepped up and helped me (in so many different ways), no one in my “family” lifted a finger beyond an email. Take care of yourself.

    25. Wow, Reader, that sounds like a Greek tragedy unfolding — like your husband has been on this path that was going there no matter what. I hope that the process of putting the pieces back together is made easier by the distance that you’ve put between you over the past months.

  6. I can knit a basic rectangular blanket, but don’t have the bandwidth for anything harder. How hard would it be for me to learn to crochet? Well enough to complete some granny squares that my mother had been working on when she died? I put this all in a bin and now that it’s colder, might want to attempt. I have all of her books and yarn and hooks.

    1. Crochet is not hard at all. The toughest part is figuring out tension, and you probably have that down already from knitting. I needed to use a combo of random youtube videos and a book to figure it out — but just one or the other of those would probably be enough for most people.

    2. If you want to learn to crochet with a fun little project, I recommend The Woobles.

    3. I think crochet is a lot easier than knitting, but I think it’s one of those things where whichever you learn first always seems easier? Granny squares are usually fairly simple, so I think you could definitely finish them. I’d take some scrap yarn and follow along on some video tutorials (I like the purl soho ones) to try to match what she had going and get a feel for it.

    4. I knit and crochet, but after decades of doing both, I’m only crocheting. It’s easier and more fun. Granny squares are easy, though the color changes and weaving in ends can get tedious.

    5. The muscle memory developed by knitting is different than that used to crochet, but once you get the basics it’s a very similar set of skills.

      I wouldn’t recommend diving in immediately to a precious project, maybe try out some other granny square tutorials until you can make the stitches evenly and read them well enough to tell what is going on with the ones you have.

      Otherwise, the Loose Ends Project is a great resource if you want outside help finishing a special WIP.

    6. Granny squares are easy. I would show you how if you lived by me (Betkeley? Drop burner if interested). But I find online tutorials pretty helpful. Dropping by your local yarn store may be a good idea. Someone will very likely be able to help you.

      Start with some scrap yarn, not your grandmother’s project yarn, and learn chain stitch, single crochet, double crochet, then treble crochet. Those are the only stitches you’ll need for a granny square.

  7. I just want to give a thank you to whoever recommended Loop earplugs on here. I had never considered earplugs but I got some recently. There has been loud construction outside my office for months and it’s expected to continue for a year or more. Even with the “Quiet” ones — 24 db noise reduction — I can still hear it, so no wonder it was driving me crazy and giving me headaches at full volume. I’ve found them so useful for so many occasions that I don’t even know how I managed before them as a noise sensitive person.

    1. Same. I also bought Loop earplugs based on someone’s recommendation here, and they have been really great. I bought the “Quiet 2” for sleep. Soooo much better than the ones you get at the drugstore or on Amazon. Thanks to whoever recommended them.

  8. Can anyone recommend women’s dress shirts with cutaway/Windsor collar? I really like this design detail on men’s shirts and wants to buy a few for myself.

    1. A random observation, but I have noticed that among male attorneys the wearing of this collar is closely correlated with being a total a-hole.

        1. There are a lot of assholes out there so “comment” doesn’t refute the point.

  9. With no diet, exercise, or lifestyle choices I’ve gained about 30 lbs in a few months. I’m 29 so hormones shouldn’t be going wild (have never been pregnant).

    I have an appointment with my GP in mid November but I just don’t know what’s caused this but it’s really taking its toll of me emotionally. No matter what, I feel overweight and unattractive.

    1. Ugh, that’s rough.

      Is there a chance it’s a cryptic pregnancy? I know someone who had a friend who experienced that.

      It could be your thyroid. If you don’t feel like waiting on your GP appointment, and you’re in America, you can probably get a blood test done at Quest Diagnostics, no referral needed, that can check thyroid.

      If have some cash to throw at this, I would start with a cheap pregnancy test (unless you have been abstinent for months), and a thyroid test. Your GP will likely redo some of these tests, but it can give you answers and maybe some peace of mind.

      1. In order for this to be pregnancy related it’d need to be another immaculate conception :)

        I gained the weight over a period of ~ 2-3 months, and have more or less maintained it for 5 months now.

    2. Is a few months 6 months or 2 months? Gaining 5 pounds a month vs gaining 15 pounds a month are two different levels of concern, I think. If it’s the former, I’d just wait for the appointment; if it’s the latter, I’d ask about getting on a waitlist for anything earlier.

      Either way, I hope you’re able to find resolution soon and that it is easily addressable.

      1. IIRC, the weight gain happened over a few months in the spring and I’ve more or less maintained it since then

        With the exception of the last month or so, my work life balance and stress levels have never been better, and I’ve been drinking less than I ever have in my adult life. My diet is probably a solid B+ and while my working out habits go in fits and starts, that’s been consistent throughout my adult life too.

        1. I would not be surprised if thyroid issues are the culprit or something happened hormonally. I have been in your shoes. It really sucks and did a number on my self-esteem.

        2. late 20s was when I stopped being able to have an extra donut or skip a walk or workout without seeing an impact. I still eat the donuts but I’m more selective about which ones and how often. I upped exercise from yoga 2x week to a walk everyday and yoga/pilates/strength training 1x week each. I miss the metabolism of my late teens/early 20s.

          1. Yeah this is my experience too (sadly). I’m 35 and am currently working on losing some of the weight I gained In my late 20s and early 30s as my metabolism slowed down.

        3. OP, I was exactly your age when I was diagnosed with hypothyroid. Weight gain and a visibly (to my doctor) enlarged thyroid were my primary symptoms. I’ve been taking synthroid since then and having my TSH monitored regularly.

          It’s no big deal. The thyroid replacement medicine just brings you back to baseline, or close to it. Unfortunately it was not a magic bullet for me in terms of weight loss. I still had to work to lose the weight, but it’s a lot harder to lose when you’re under medicated.

    3. yes get into the doctor right away. not to be alarmist but your body is telling you something is not right. I have a friend gain weight rapidly, one day she had a lot of pain, went to the er and it was a 35lb tumor, she had cervical cancer. not saying that’s what you have, but trust your gut here.

      1. I hate to agree but a gain or loss like this would be very concerning to me. Bloodwork will tell you quickly if it is thyroid.

    4. Any chance it’s a really out of control cyst? I’ve seen scary cases where it’s like the size of a grapefruit and since it’s fluid filled it could be very heavy, disproportionately, if that makes sense.

      The other thing I’m thinking is thyroid malfunction. You have to ask for a much deeper scale of testing because they docs will test like two things that always magically come back “normal” (sigh!) but if you look online for the right terms/tests, that might be it.

      1. +1

        My husband just landed in the hospital after a few months of what he thought was rapid weight gain from getting fat (it was rapid weight gain from something else entirely!).

    5. Wow – that is incredibly fast and concerning. Get on the cancellation list for your GP too.

  10. I’m trying to decide between black suede ankle boots and black leather ankle boots. This will be my only pair of boots so versatility is key. I normally wear smart casual to business casual to work, including black or dark wash jeans.

    1. I think suede looks better with denim most of the time, and can do well with office pants if it’s an elegant shape… but if you’ll be wearing them outdoors, winter weather is not kind to suede.

    2. I think suede looks better in colder weather. If you’re planning to wear these in warmer weather too (not summer, necessarily, but say April/early May when it’s still chilly enough out). I’d go with reg leather.

    3. Well, if you can only have one, then black leather as they are hardier. You need to be more careful with suede. I clean mine regularly, re-waterproof yearly, and only buy suede boots that are already “waterproof” to keep my chances of preserving them higher.

      I have both types.

  11. Does anyone who travels a fair amount for work have any dating tips?

    30, last relationship was a LDR, so I haven’t done much dating in my home city as it is, but now I’m adding the complication of somewhat frequent work travel.

    1. I feel like I’ve definitely been on dates with guys who didn’t live in my area but were just traveling for work — so consider that a possibility also!

    1. I was really hoping you’d get responses to this because I’m interested in red light LED face mask too

    2. I have the Dr. Brandt one and I truly believe it helps my daughter with her acne and me with skin firmness. I would say after a month I noticed a difference, and I def. notice when I get lazy about using it every day.

  12. My spouse and I are taking part of our parental leave abroad while baby is about 8/9 months to about 12 months. We’re planning on staying mostly in one country (Portugal) and setting up a home base for about 3 months. It’s like study abroad, just 10+ years later with a baby…
    If you have spend time in Lisbon, what neighborhood would you recommend? The plan is to try to stay not in a tourist area, but an actual neighborhood where we can get to know the area and maybe even join a couple baby-and-me classes/activities.
    Thanks!

    1. won’t you need parental leave when the baby is first born, though? just curious how this works. I’m guessing you’re not in the US since most parental leave is 3 months total here?

    2. Friends with kids live in Estrella, but honestly Lisbon central wouldn’t be my first choice with a baby? It was totally manageable for the summer with a 5 year old, but not sure I’d fancy it with a much younger kid.

    3. Parental leave is for taking care of a newborn and bonding with them. Not your dreams of living abroad for a few months. If you were my coworker this would piss me off.

        1. Agreed, and it seems like the OP probably has governmental parental leave if both parents can take it 9 months later. My swedish cousins did something similar, and it’s apparently not rare there?

      1. Eh it’s for bonding with their baby. They can bond in Portugal. I can see why people are jealous but unless they’re sending their kid to daycare in Portugal so they can have a kid free vacation they’re not doing anything wrong.
        We didn’t do this but in hindsight I wish we had. I didn’t realize how comparatively easy it is to travel with one newborn.

      2. Some countries are more accommodating of new families than others. Why not go somewhere where it’s all easier to get through the hardest part?

      3. How is this any different than bringing your baby to visit their extended family in Europe? Leave is leave. They are taking time to bond with their baby. It’s just at home suffering from lack of sleep and structural support. Obviously they are not in the US or just have amazing leave policies. It sounds like you are just upset that you couldn’t do the same thing.

      4. Thanks for the suggestions. As many guessed, we’re outside the US. With my spouse and I both on leave, it feels like an amazing time to take baby to see some extended family in Europe. It was actually a suggestion from one of my co-workers!

        Not sure how where I spend my leave would impact my co-workers… I’ll be on leave whether we are home in Canada or away in another place. We’re lucky – both our employers have been incredibly supportive of our leaves (and we have a statutory right to up to 18 months of job-protected parental leave).

    4. I stayed in the Principe Real area when I visited, which was so beautiful and seemed much more quiet than some of the more central (touristy) neighborhoods.

    5. No specific recs but this is wonderful-have an amazing time and make some great memories! I would have loved to have that opportunity with my kiddos and husband

  13. Anyone else recovering from childhood emotional neglect? I know it occurs for a variety of reasons. For me, my parents are just not emotional people, they are academics and I don’t believe they’re capable of being emotionally responsive. It wasn’t a lack of willingness, it was a lack of ability, kind of like being deaf to emotions. I remember many times crying as a child and teenager and my parents just sort of staring at me curious of what I was doing and why. Other than a therapist, has anyone found something that helps in the healing process?

    1. Good luck. See if you can articulate to yourself the life you want, the intimacy you need, and the steps required to get there. Your parents are who they are, so you’ll have to determine how they fit, if they do. My read from your post is that they are not intentionally cruel, so they may just require you to reframe the relationship a bit to move forward.

    2. Chosen family. In-laws that are the opposite. Defining your life without your parents- not no contact, but defining it in a way that your emotional needs do not depend on your parents. But, yeah, it sucks. My parents always mean well and are good people. But, meeting them where they are is sometimes just hard.

    3. As a parent, I find that these types of posts make me cringe. So many young adults these days seem to blame everything on their parents’ inadequacies. Parents are human and make mistakes sometimes. Good parents also avoid giving their kids everything the kids think they want. Short of genuine ab*se, which some of us actually did experience as children and can tell you is absolutely not what goes on in the vast majority of families, people need to step up and accept responsibility for their own feelings and reactions as adults. I have a teenager and find myself questioning every decision I make and everything I say through the lens of “what is she going to say about this to her therapist when she’s 25”? This pressure can lead parents to make bad decisions to keep the child happy in the short run instead of making the decisions that will help the child grow into a well-adjusted, competent adult.

        1. I know, right? Seriously, Anonymous at 11:36 am, is your standard that as long as the child is not “genuinely abused” (whatever that means), your job as a parent is accomplished? I’d like to think we aspire to more than I didn’t beat them so why are they complaining.

          1. No, the idea is that most parents are actually doing a pretty decent job but kids just don’t see that, even when they grow up, and that there is a difference between abuse and not being a hugger.

          2. That’s a different point from what Anonymous at 11:36 made. Yes, there are some ungrateful spoiled brat adults, but that is not how the OP’s post strikes me.

      1. I’m a parent too. while perhaps OP’s use of neglect is triggering for you, it sounds like OP wasnt supported emotionally as a kid or wasn’t able to express her emotions and receive the support she needed. I do think many parents do the best they can, but it might not be what their kid needs. I’m sure my kids will complain about me to a therapist one day and that’s ok with me. I don’t go around parenting worrying about that.

      2. Can you not? What’s genuine abuse? Does my mom chasing me around the house with a knife not count as abuse because she never successfully cut me? Even still being hit didn’t leave the same scars that being abandoned did.

      3. +1
        Also, the best thing about being an adult is you get to choose the kind of life you want. Want more emotional conversations? Look for that in who you choose to partner with. Want to have a fun home with laughter and light? Create that. Your life growing up is your past and it doesn’t need to be your future. You also don’t need to dwell on it.

        1. That’s…not really how it works when you’ve been emotionally abused. Yes, we absolutely crave more emotional conversations. The problem is we don’t know how to have them, or we don’t trust the other person to actually support us emotionally so we just don’t, and that leads to all kinds of communication problems in relationships. We walk on eggshells because every “emotional” moment (aka having a normal reaction to the various setbacks of childhood) was met with indifference at best, or shaming at worst, rather than actual support and encouragement on how to deal with the issue. Trying to be “fun” was met with being told you’re being too silly and to tone it down. OP is describing far worse than the occasional parenting “mistakes” you all are talking about. This is a systematic, constant lack of emotional support.

          1. You’re describing worse than the OP and even then, that’s all still in your control as an adult.

      4. Oh my gosh, yes. I’m definitely not perfect as a parent. I truly hope my kids have the grace to forgive my sins. Like most people, I’m just trying to do the best I can on many different fronts with the hand dealt to me.

      5. Anonymous at 11:36 am, I agree with you. You’re getting piled on unfairly.

        I was abused, and I’m a mom. I try very hard to be emotionally present for my child, and it’s tough. I’m aware that I work do as good a job as I would like to do; my own limitations are my own limitations.

        I would hate for my kid to not understand the difference between that and abuse, though. “Mom is human” isn’t the same thing as “Mom abused me.”

      6. OP here, and I am also a mom of 3. I fully recognize that my parenting will be imperfect. I am not “blaming everything” on my parent’s inadequacies. My parents were absolutely not cruel, they absolutely did the best they could and were wonderful parents. And it’s also true that they are emotionless. The only way I can explain it is like deafness, emotions are just not on their radar. It definitely left a hole in my heart that I’ve been trying to figure out as a 40 year old seeking therapy. When my husband cheated on me last year, I asked my mom for a hug, and she said blankly, Why?

        1. I hear you, OP — I’m in a similar boat. My parents did a great job in many ways. They were also emotionally distant. I am well adjusted and competent as an adult and a parent. I also suffer a bit from the emotional indifference of my parents. All of these things are true for me, and they can be true for others.

          Therapy has helped me. Being a parent and trying to be emotionally available for my kids in ways that were not modeled for me has helped me, too. It’s an ongoing process, and I don’t know that I’ll ever be done, but I’m more aware, more compassionate (including with my parents), and doing my best.

        2. Yes, your mother SHOULD be able to hug her hurting daughter.

          But you’re 40. Why are you seeking emotional solace from someone who won’t give it to you? Ask a friend, sibling, or cousin for a hug.

          My parents don’t do emotions. I am happier when I don’t look to them for emotional validation.

        3. I’d just like to validate you, OP. I grew up incredibly privileged, and my parents cared nominally, but they are just…not there for me emotionally, and never have been. I don’t know if it’s a WASPy thing, or perhaps their own upbringing, They got the “feed and clothe” part down fine, but my dad grew up with parents who didn’t want children, and I think my mom is just not a warm person. Over the years, I have found myself “fitting into” other families over the years–families I babysat for, family friends, my best friend’s family. It’s partially like an anthropologist, when I see how warm and caring these families are–it floors me. And it’s also just nice to be loved and to know people care about me. Sending you hugs, and apologies to you about the side discussins here invalidating your original question. I know just how you feel.

        4. I relate to you, OP. I’m in a similar boat though it sounds like not as extreme. I think my mom is on the autism spectrum (what would formerly have been considered Asperger’s). She’s just not emotional and really struggles with empathy and relating to other people. Also an academic, fwiw. I didn’t read this post as you blaming your parents for everything imperfect in your life. I agree with those saying seeking emotional validation elsewhere.

      7. Sigh. Both can be true. One can recognize and forgive imperfections, and one can also carry the difficulties from childhood. You don’t get to determine what “genuine ab*se” is, and this OP IS accepting responsibility by asking how to think through and move forward from a past that has left some residue, as all pasts do.

        As far as you worrying that your child will need therapy later and will talk about you and her experiences of childhood — that’s your issue. Being happy and well-adjusted AND going to therapy and recognizing deficiencies of childhood can and often do go together. The “pressure” is just about parents being narcissistically worried that their child will have their own experience.

        1. Excellent comment, +1. Your child is not living their own life AT you, Anonymous at 11:36 am.

      8. Can you reread the original post without making this about you? OP is clearly not blaming their parents or assuming bad intent. She is not asking for pity or comfort. She is seeking suggestions for solutions to an issue she is experiencing, like a well adjusted adult would.

        1. The point is that not every instance of non-ideal parenting is “trauma” or “emotional neglect” and at some point you just accept who your parents are and move on. Some people aren’t huggers. It doesn’t make them neglectful.

          1. Children do in fact need hugs and emotional support to develop proper emotional health

          2. Jesus Christ — you keep doubling down. Is it really so difficult to think that accepting and moving on isn’t a black-and-white thing? Not everyone compartmentalizes and puts things away in a lockbox, never to be opened again, and call that “moving on.” And “neglect” is a stretchy term and it’s not one you get to define for someone else.

            OP had an experience that sticks with her. Many people do, particular in terms of their earliest experiences. Many people don’t think about those much and just repeat the patterns (good, neutral, and bad). OP would like to find ways to unstick these experiences a bit. What is it about you that requires fighting against the very terms of her question? At best, you’re being a pedantic pill. At worst, you’re deciding that there are clear definitions of these things and that you get to define them for others.

            TL, DR: Stop lecturing people. You sound like a contemptuous know-it-all.

          3. OP is literally asking how to move on. ‘Just move on’ is not helpful advice.
            OP is trying to work through something that she found missing in her childhood, which would then enable her in turn, to give that very thing to her children. You keep saying nobody is perfect as a response to someone trying to improve themselves – it sounds like you’d be more comfortable to leave everything exactly as it is.

          4. Wow, I am so not invested in this fight but clearly you all are. We all have childhoods, they weren’t perfect, some of our parents screwed up royally, and everyone is doing their best to do better for the next generation. Can we be done with the sniping now? This board is so often full of smugmarrieds that I really just needed a moment to be a smugsingle.

      9. I have teenagers as well and I empathize. While I’m self-aware enough to realize I’ve made mistakes (because hello, I’m human), I find myself frustrated about some of the perceived inadequacies that my eldest brings up. Her memory at 16 and what actually happened when she was 6 can be pretty different (e.g., she wasn’t always the last kid picked up at daycare which is her recollection of the time period).

        Hopefully by the time she is seeing a therapist at 25, she’ll realize that her mom did the best she could with what she had and maybe her dad wasn’t always perfect.

        1. Exactly–and even if she were always the last one to be picked up, there was probably a good reason, like her parents were working to provide for her and maybe had put her in a higher-quality day care center farther from their offices so it took them longer to get there.

          1. She was also usually the last one to get there in the morning (not disruptively late but not at 7am) so it wasn’t like she was spending hours and hours more time at the place than her friends.

      10. I agree completely. At some point adults need to build the life they want instead of constantly reflecting and over analyzing their childhoods. No parent is perfect. You’ll realize that if you become one. Not knowing how to respond to teenage emotions is hardly abuse or something that needs to be “overcome” as an adult.

    4. For me, it was realizing and accepting that my parents, who should never have married or had kids, were only doing what society at the time expected of them. My mom did her best, despite living a life she wouldn’t have chosen if other paths had been apparent and available. My dad, even by 70s standards not so much (but he definitely benefitted from the societal norms of the time, though).
      I have a relationship as an adult with my mom, but not my dad. They are no longer married and my mom is living her best life. I’m happy for her, and grateful that I live in a society where my options aren’t as constrained as hers’ were. My dad is remarried to his (one of his? Who knows) affair partners.
      I guess the short version for me was learning to accept the fact that my mom made a huge effort as enough.

    5. There are several books about recovering from emotionally immature parents that might be helpful and also possibly read up on complex PTSD. I have also found IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy very helpful, but I will say that I had to get to a point where I was open to it because it’s a different approach. You might look into it and see if it resonates. Also, please don’t listen to any replies that suggest that because you didn’t suffer physical abuse or intentional emotional abuse you should suck it up. There’s a big difference between blaming your parents and recognizing that your parents’ actions, even if unintentional and perhaps unavoidable, have impacted you in ways that you need help to work through!

      1. +1. Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was an eye-opener for me and helped me to understand some of the strange moments of my childhood and teenage years. I’m sorry that you went through (and are still going through) that treatment from your parents.

    6. Yes, and it is hard. I had to grieve for, and give up on, the type of family I needed versus the parents I had. My mother is who she is; she barely remembers to call me on my birthday (and is usually several days late doing so). Of course, the reverse would be unacceptable/ lack of gratitude for her sacrifices in “raising” me. (From about age 8, I raised myself and my younger sister – my mother herself acknowledges that she needed to “let go” of mothering when we were around that age).

      I found the concepts of “out of the fog” (fear, obligation, guilt) to be very helpful, although obviously ymmv. It helps with the societal expectations of how parent/ child relationship should be, and the guilt that your very normal reactions to emotional abuse are somehow just an overreaction to “human parenting mistakes” or not getting what you wanted every time you wanted it. Seriously, we are taking about an emotional connection, not the latest iPhone.

    7. For me, I remind myself to accept my parents as they are and recognize they are only human and fallible, they have their own shortcomings and their own life story. They are who they are, they are not here to be who I want them to be. I need to meet them where they are and accept them as they are. Being wishful or hurt or holding on to resentment will not change anything and will color the remaining time I have with them.

      What I can change is how I raise my kids. That’s where I focus my thoughts, how I reframe. I’m cognizant of what I wished for from my parents and I break the cycle for my kids.

      Planning for the future is less painful then dwelling in the past. And the parents aren’t going to be around forever.

    8. I would start by re-framing it from “neglect” to “mismatch”. They love you; they were not abusive or negligent. It was that your personalities did not mesh well; they are both people who are not emotive and do not understand those who are. You needed and wanted more emotional support and attunement. Realizing that is is a different in temperament rather than neglect will go a long way in allowing you to heal and address how your feeling that you were not supported emotionally might impact your adult relationships.

      1. This is a better version of what I was trying to say above. OP was not neglected. Her parents are just different from her and she needs to recognize and accept that instead of blaming and shaming.

        1. It is not up to you to say whether or not OP was neglected. She is an adult now, and trying to come to terms with issues in her upbringing. That’s very healthy and normal. And it’s fine for adults to say, oh, we’re just different types of people from you, live with it. It’s not fine when you are a vulnerable child depending on the adults in your life to meet your needs. Maybe OP needs space to learn that, unlike most moms, hers is not one to ask for a hug. That doesn’t invalidate her experience as a child. I’m sorry if you find threatening the idea your children may one day question your parenting.

        2. OP asking how to re-think this IS accepting that. There’s no blaming and shaming; she’s asking how to think about and then reroute things she received in her childhood. What is it with this sense that either you “accept and move on” or “stay stuck and repeatedly rehash”? It’s usually in the middle. And IME, the people who insist they’ve moved on usually haven’t.

      2. This is NOT a mismatch, there are no magical children who can be raised without emotional support and be fine, it messes up all children.

        1. Some families are too touchy feely for some kids though. It’s possible that when we raise kids the way we wish we were raised, we still miss the mark.

    9. Look up the laundry list from ACA in the web, if it resonates follow up on that fellowship

      1. This. I have found so much healing and growth in ACA. It enabled me to see my parents as humans who did the best they could but couldn’t give me what I needed emotionally (and still cannot), to accept that, to acknowledge the impact on me and what I can do now as an adult to be compassionate with myself while taking responsibility for my own growth and healing.

    10. Also recommending the entire Lindsey Gibson series on Emotionally Immature Parents. It helped me start to understand the insidious impacts of how my parents treated me and still treat me. Case in point, they haven’t filed their federal taxes for many years. Because that is my job. Along with anything else they simply do not feel like doing…they never say it, but they just never take the steps they say they will take. I was also the primary therapist to each of them, since I was a teenager.

      They didn’t lock me in a closet or anything but I was uber-parentified from a very young age and you bet it was damaging.

      1. Wow, so sorry this happened to you! That role-reversal can be quite traumatizing.

    11. Accepting that my mother was human with her own frailties and challenges really helped me. My sibling still holds her to the perfect mom standard, by which she failed. Our mom is dead now, so it’s not like there’s anything she can do about it. And all this “perfect mom” standard does for my sibling is make them unhappy.

      All we can do now is work to be better humans ourselves, and do a better job with our own children. I’m sure I have also not been a perfect mom, but I’ve acknowledged some of the things that I feel were most hurtful to me as a child, and tried to do better on those specifically.

  14. I have a sister who is just extreme in her emotions, her ability to ruminate, and carrying on when she feels not to be validated constantly. She has also had trouble keeping jobs. It started in her teens. Now she’s 50. She has pretty much driven away everyone but her kids. If I had to guess, if she doesn’t have NPD, she sure has a lot of those issues (but it’s always someone else’s fault). I looked back on pictures from when we were younger and got so sad. I don’t understand how she came to be this way (our parents were normal, she is a bit dyslexia but smart and a hard worker, very pretty), like if that’s just how she was made, if it is fixable or preventable, if her kids or my kids may be this way, etc. Is there any resources out there just to help a sibling sort through all this as a personal and broader family tendency concern? It has wrecked her life and probably is very hard on her children. It was hard for my parents in different ways and I was NOT homesick when I left for college.

    1. It sounds like she has low self esteem. I suppose it’s for her to sort her issues out and for you to be available (if you want to be) if she reaches out for help at some point. I think it’s important for her to take the proactive step of reaching out for help. DH’s brother went through a phase like this, and complained we didn’t help. But I think letting things run their course until he realized HE was in the driver’s seat helped him build real self esteem and now he’s on his feet.

    2. I’m not sure if you’re asking for resources for yourself or for your sister. Is there an immediate problem you’re trying to work with here? Maybe Al-anon or NAMI for yourself, certainly therapy for your sister if she wants it.

      1. Also, could she be having symptoms of anxiety based on your description? Maybe that would be something to ask her about as it seems less stigmatized than NPD.

    3. It sounds like you were looking through family photos and started remembering and started spiraling into a lot of emotion. If life with your sister was so difficult that you were genuinely glad to get away from her and go to college, you might benefit from some therapy to work through that. She’s 50. You can’t fix her. But you can get some help for your own worries, responses, and reactions to her.

    4. I’m not reading this poster as trying to fix the sister, but as wondering if there’s a way to avoid it in the next generation.
      (I don’t know the answer to that, but I think about it in my family, too)

      1. Thanks — OP here and this is what my thoughts were. It wasn’t always like how it has become (but it is 35+ years of this). I just hadn’t seen picture of us very young in a while.

        I’m not the golden child. I had a very rough life due to being molested as a kid, many years of chronic medical issues and surgeries, multiple miscarriages, etc. But I’m not in turmoil, and I feel that for all of the storms, I am OK. I don’t want how she is to happen to my kids or her kids (or her). Most of her kids are adults, so we are in contact even though she calls just to yell. I will text her to check in and just not respond once she becomes uncivil.

        1. The golden child can have bad things happen to them. The golden child is just the one favored by the parents, while the scapegoat is blamed for everything.

          1. I don’t think it was like that, honestly. There was nothing to blame her for. If anything, she sucked all of the oxygen out of the room while I was quiet and compliant, lest I add more stress to the situation. Everyone else’s needs were a priority. I was just there and no one made a fuss over me ever.

          2. Even with a golden child, jeez, that is just another kid not choosing to be cast in that role. And childhood seems to be far in the rear-view mirror. If the sister has problems with everyone, this is beyond a parent / child or intra-sibling dymanic.

        2. For your own kids or her kids, if you notice someone changing, you can always speak out and suggest therapy. If they’re adults, it’s ultimately up to them to make something happen, but therapy is a starting point. You can also help someone find a therapist.

          For your sister, if she worked any significant amount of time, at least she should have social security. It may not be enough but it’s nice to know someone it’s starting from $0. You could also offer her a financial planning session or course as a gift, depending on how enmeshed you want to be there.

    5. Same/similar situation here. I worry about having to support her in her old age, as she is determined to be a spontaneous non-planner, so, naturally, has not planned for retirement at all. She has wandered through life, unhappily convinced that the world owes her and that life happens TO her, and all setbacks are obviously unfair, steeped in inertia, with no acknowledgement that her choices have led her to where she is right now. Sigh.

  15. Can someone please help me understand why Trump seems to be held to a different standard than like every other person on the planet? People thought Biden was too old, Hillary and her emails, other politicians or business people end up out of a job after some scandal with an affair or illicit photos, etc. but Trump can just do whatever he wants?

    1. Because for that side it’s not about Trump, it’s about some combination of policy and “owning the libs.”

    2. The media wants to prove they aren’t too liberal, and most media is owned by very very wealthy people who think they’ll do better under Trump, and don’t care about the cruelty and racism that come along with it.

    3. He has liberated the heretofore barely suppressed ugliness that is the underbelly of American society, and his supporters are here for it. It’s so repellent.

      1. Because of responses like above. For better or worse a portion of traditionally dems demographics feels abandoned by them and talked down to.

          1. The basket of deplorables comment was cringe but it is pretty crazy that it got SO much attention and people excuse Trump calling the US a shithole country, saying Jewish people voting for Kamala need to have their heads examined and calling Kamala retarded and a shitty vice president, among many other offensive and inappropriate remarks.

            There’s a huge double standard, and I think that’s kind of OP’s point – normal candidates get derailed by one foot-in-mouth comment like “basket of deplorables” but that doesn’t happen to Trump.

    4. Are you interested in an answer, or will you just rip apart anyone who gives it to you?

        1. Well, I don’t think he is. Hillary’s fans didn’t have a problem with the emails. Her opponents did. Biden’s fans didn’t have a problem with his age. His opponents did. Trump’s fans don’t have a problem with the things OP listed. But OP, and all of his other opponents, do.

          This question is just “why does this person’s supporters support them, when I don’t?” and the answer is that they value different things than you.

          1. But you’re wrong. Democrats DID have a huge problem with Biden’s age. That’s why they replaced him on the ticket! On the other hand, Republicans have no problem with Trump’s felonies, history of sexually abusing women or attempts to overturn a democratic election.

          2. Lots of Biden’s fans had a problem with his age. That’s why he’s not the nominee anymore!

          3. I personally know an awful lot of Republicans who do not like Donald Trump and will not be voting for him. And I know Republicans who will hold their nose and vote for him despite their concerns.

            You can substitute “Joe Biden” and “Democrats” into the paragraph above and it would still have been true (when he was on the ticket). Also works for Kamala.

        2. I hate being the messenger who is shot, so I try to avoid answering if that’s going to happen. Here goes:

          Generally, supporters don’t hold things against you when they aren’t central to your campaign.

          If your campaign is based on being a total brainiac, and people found out you committed plagiarism, game over. But that might not land the same way on a candidate whose campaign is more about their experience in the business world.

          If your campaign is based on being First Lady, a US Senator, and Secretary of State, and you’re the brilliant Yale Law grad, please do not have a home brew server for your classified emails.

          If you campaign hard on “family values” and then are found to have an affair or be soliciting for gay intercourse in stalls in an airport bathroom, that’s gonna blow back a lot harder on you than it would on an openly gay candidate campaigning for LGBT acceptance.

          If you’re pro-choice, having had an abortion won’t be as much an issue as it would be if you’re pro-life (unless that was part of the reason you became pro-life).

          Governors tend to not have much foreign policy experience; Congressmen and Senators tend to not have much executive experience. Both have a weakness when campaigning for President, and it’s only an issue in your campaign if you make it an issue (eg you pretend to be Mr. Foreign Policy Wonk and you are the Governor of some random state).

          Trump campaigned on replacing Scalia with an originalist. Done. He didn’t campaign on being Mr. Family Values. So, his supporters don’t care about his affairs.

          He’s focusing on things like how he moved the US Embassy to Jerusalem, did a lot of work on removing excess regulations, and wants more American manufacturing. He’s not campaigning on “I’m someone you would totally want your daughter to be alone with,” or having lived a a sterling life, or not being verbally harsh. He does what he campaigns on.

          1. Yes, point taken. But so many outrageous remarks and actions by Trump are given a pass, even though such remarks and actions would end the campaigns of anyone else. That is the mystery. He is at the stage where he is so weary of the tedious requirement that he campaign and ask for votes, instead of the nation going ahead and crowning him “Dear Leader” already, like all those other pariah world leaders. His main and unhidden agenda is to gain office in order to avoid prison — and his supporters are happy to assist. That is the mystery. He is campaigning on I have never done anything wrong and I am the strongest and smartest person in the room, when all of that is demonstrably inconsistent with the facts — that is the mystery. That the gaslighting seems to work! Infuriating if you oppose him, a delight if you are a supporter. But why would anyone support him — he is weak on foreign policy, incurious and uneducated to the point of not understanding basics of U.S. government and history and economics (see: tarrifs; see: pledges to take action that is the exclusive purview of the states in our federal system, etc.), and he is an adjudicated rapist and fraudster, so clearly he has done wrong. I continue to maintain that he is supported due to what we are not supposed to elect president for, that is, the ugly traditions of racism and sexism and classism and white supremacy and the patriarchy that are working against VP Harris. It is both un-American and VERY American, all at the same time. What an embarrassment to himself and to the country.

          2. Runcible, I didn’t ask for that debate, okay? Someone who isn’t you asked for an explanation and I made it quite clear that I’m the messenger.

            You hate Trump and hate his supporters. I get it. What I don’t get is what you expect me to do about that.

          3. And PS? He’s not an adjudicated rapist. Read the actual document returned by the jury. He was found not guilty of rape.

          4. Wow, sorry to touch a nerve! I was responding to the OP, too, but just want to say I don’t “hate” Trump. Please don’t presume to describe my feelings at me. I don’t hate people. I pray for Trump. That doesn’t make him a qualified or fit candidate for U.S. president. And yes, he was adjudicated a rapist — please review what the presiding judge ruled in that regard. Thanks for your participation!

    5. Everything he does I find outrageous. But listening to him wistfully talk about how well endowed a deceased golf legend was … regardless of politics how is this man a candidate!

    6. with the voters or the media?

      with the voters it’s like they’re in a cult, either because they love Trump or they love the idea of not being Democrats.

      with the media… they just do not have the tools to cover someone like Trump. the NYT is starting to have more stories about the dementia and the lying and the bizarre behavior, but it’s taken forever and they’re still pushed down by disparaging headlines about Kamala.

      I saw someone I think on a conservative show talking about how Trump was the Trojan candidate – Elon and the other big backers all plan to 25thA Trump as soon as possible for president Vance. Not sure if that terrifies me more or not.

    7. Some people just have enough social capital, fame, money, charisma, whatever that society will overlook them being awful. It’s pretty much the star QB phenomenon but in real life, there’s no real insightful reason, humans are fallible, there are haves and have nots.

  16. I was thinking about the discussion on ADHD last week – I’m one of those who was diagnosed recently and for whom every social media post about ADHD strikes true, but I can easily see how people think ADHD is overdiagnosed because we have such short attention spans in general these days. A few of the things about ADHD that seem more ADHD to me than mere attention-span:

    – I procrastinate/fail at doing things I want to do, like getting a new iPhone or going to the grocery store

    – If I’m hyperfocused on something, even if I can register that I’m starving or have to pee, it keeps getting pushed until the hyperfocus episode is over

    I’m sure there are others – does anyone else care to add more (or push back that these are just usual attention span things?)

    1. I do not have ADHD nor a short attention span as far as I know, and I do both of the things you’ve just described. DH has ADHD and the litmus for it was ability to focus in a room of commotion. He found it impossible, whereas I can just sort of use my mental muscle to focus on a topic if needed, though I would prefer a quiet area to focus.

      1. Similar, I do not have ADHD, and have a medium attention span but do both of the things mentioned in the original post. I can focus amid commotion, but certainly would not choose to do that.

    2. Mine comes off as being incredibly spacey. I hate it. It makes me seem way dumber than I am.

      Examples: I played softball for years, but I tried reffing once. I couldn’t pay attention enough to call balls and strikes or keep track of the count. I frequently stop mid sentence with no idea of not only where I was going with that, but what I was just saying. I have to take a picture of me taking my medication every day because I can’t remember if I took it or not.

    3. I guess regarding jsut the attention span, I know mine is made worse from screens and social media and 24h news, and I can make an effort to improve it by avoiding that stuff. So it’s variable over time, and has a clear cause.
      My understanding is that ADHD is just ‘how your whole brain operates’, and you can medicate but not permanently cure it. If that’s correct then the two would be totally different?

    4. I hear you. The social media posts ring very true for me, too. Except that I don’t necessarily fail at doing things, I just change the direction until it suits what I’m willing to do.

      Like I’ll need to go to the grocery store to make dinner, will procrastinate all day, then decide rather than the store I’ll make dinner from whatever’s available or decide to fast. So dinner didn’t fail, I just didn’t complete my intended steps. That seems innocuous as an example, but I tend to let things drop but then make something else work instead. So I’m always scrambling to get some kind of result.

      1. My husband does this. Instead of admitting to his failures he just says he ‘decided to fast’ but he got so thin his doctor and I were both concerned for his health. We were unreasonable though and ganging up on him because it was a ‘choice’.

    5. Do you remember what post the discussion of ADHD was under? I’m curious to go back and read it.

    6. For me, the fact that my mind was finally quiet when I took ADHD meds was what sealed it. I borrowed a concerta from a friend to get through some trial prep and expected a burst of energy and intense hyperfocus, but that’s not what I got at all. I felt calm, my mind did not have three fantasy conversations, two songs, nine other things, and *then* whatever I was supposed to be doing floating around in my head. I wasn’t anxious or amped up.

    7. I struggle with this. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 35 and I still frequently worry that I’m totally within the normal range of human foibles and just letting myself off the hook for not trying hard enough.

      Here are the things that stand out to me:
      – When I’m trying to think or do something difficult and there is another noise in the background I feel genuine rage. I’m not angry, but every sensation in my body says I am.
      – I constantly lost/misplaced everything as a kid. My parents tried every punishment they could think of and I was filled with guilt about how irresponsible I was and yet I couldn’t change.
      – For years I thought maybe I had low blood sugar because I would feel my eyes kind of glaze and I’d literally shake my head to bring myself back to full function. My partner calls it “the stare.” It happens so much less frequently now that I’m medicated.
      – My therapist once had me list the overly-complex organization schemes I’ve used to be a high achiever my whole life. Like how I loved the color-coding your casebook highlights system in law school because it made it so easy to see the holdings, etc. Then she asked if all my peers who got good grades were all-in on organization the way I was. This really showed how often I was compensating for ADHD symptoms.
      – Hypermobility! Texture issues! All that peripheral stuff that also seems to fit.

  17. Anyone have Costa Rica travel trips? It’s risen to the top of our list for late December, but we’re late in planning and I don’t have much bandwidth, so hoping maybe I can figure out a place where all we need to book now is flight and one hotel (and car?) and figure out the rest over time. Just two adults, we’re looking for a mix of jungle and beach, lots of wildlife, and maybe some outdoor activities. 4-7 days. Not looking for an all-inclusive beach place — if we end up doing this, we’ll go to Mexico for ease. Price range is probably mid-tier (I like nice, he likes to save money, we end up in the middle.) Thanks in advance!

    1. I would book 2-3 night in Arenal at Tabacon and the rest of the time near Manuel Antonio, don’t rent a car book van transfers and excursions.

    1. It told me I was closest to the Progressive Party, even though my dot was right next to the American Labor Party.

    2. I got between progressive and new liberal party. I think mine may be because of slightly disagreeing with “the government has the responsibility to reduce income inequality. The funny thing is that I have worked for progressive candidates and causes – but sometimes think language and real work are on different pages.

    3. I got new liberal, but my dot was pretty much halfway between new liberal and American labor.

    4. I was surprised at how far my dot was into the Progressive Party. It probably had something to do with my answer about w**d but honestly, my feelings about making it legal are complicated.

      1. I answered that it should be illegal and still got close to the Progressive Party.

      2. i answered “strongly agree” to that one and was in the new liberal – i agree with you that it can be complicated but it needs to be able to be studied and we need to get it off the black market with fentanyl mix-ins.

        with income inequality I wasn’t sure if they meant like preventing billionaires (kind of agree) vs reparations or universal income minimums or whatever.

        1. Agree – I think there shouldn’t be billionaires, things like an education and medical expenses shouldn’t be $$$$, and there should be safety nets for the poor. I think if you work you should make a living wage. I think PE ruins everything it touches.

          But aside from that I’m not thinking that it’s the governments job to get involved here.

    5. no but a friend of a friend was ‘tricked’ by her boyfriend to take a quiz like that, and learned that she’s 95% in line with democrats. But she feels like she can’t lie to her Deep Red Texas Military Father about her vote and so she has no choice but to vote for the orange one. This is a grown woman with a PhD, well paying job, works in actual science, financed by taxes, who’s lived in the Bay Area for almost a decade…

      1. I have a feeling this explains a lot of white women’s votes – fear of causing conflict with a father or a husband

        1. I have a feeling most adult women (of all races) are stronger and more capable of independence than you apparently do. What a deeply misogynistic view.

        1. I think that’s the point. She could decide to not tell him, or just lie, or not vote if she is so conflicted, but doing exactly as daddy says seems to be the only thing she can envision herself doing. Real depressing, that people died for democracy, and then people let their vote be taken away just like that.

    6. I got Growth and Opportunity Party, which honestly is pretty accurate. Socially moderate and fiscally conservative. Larry Hogan, Charlie Baker, Mitt Romney, John Kasich and Michael Bloomberg type republicans.

      1. Same. I am supportive of many of the end goals of Democratic policies but just do not think government is capable of solving many of our more intractable problems (and is fully capable of making them worse via unintended consequences).

    7. New Liberal. Interestingly I already liked most of the politicians they say are already new liberals.

  18. Help! Have been hit with sudden onset incredibly itchy scalp. Happened a few weeks ago – immediately got checked for lice as I had been traveling. No lice. Happening again today. No new products, so thinking I’d better assume dandruff and get on it. What is your favorite dandruff shampoo? I have dreadful memories of Head and Shoulders from when I was a teenager – but I am willing to try anything now!.

    1. I’ve used both, and both Oribe and Sachajuan have good scalp lines. Oribe’s is serene scalp, with a shampoo and conditioner and a spray I used pretty frequently. Sachajuan has a scalp scrub and brush as well as shampoo, etc.

    2. kiehl’s makes an avocado oil for your scalp that’s wonderful. in general try to make sure you’re taking care of your scalp and really scrubbing and massaging when you’re shampooing and conditioning in general.

      head and shoulders will do the trick for more regular maintenance – they also have some rub-in products.

    3. Get tar (yes, tar) shampoo – it’s probably on the bottom shelf at the drugstore. Neutrogena makes one and store brands usually have one. Believe it or not, the gold standard for a long time for itchy scalps. I had eczema as a child and used that quite often.

      If it’s dry skin, head over to the Black hair care aisle and grab one of the little palm-sized bottles of oil for scalp moisturization. They’ll have a bunch of different kinds. Just let that soak in while you do your emails.

      1. Coming back very late to add – it’s obviously important to identify what’s causing your itchy scalp. Fungus? Head & Shoulders. Dry scalp? Oil soak. Rash? Tar shampoo. The cures aren’t interchangeable.

        H&S, even its dry scalp formulas, all contain zinc pyrithione or other ingredients to kill the organisms that cause dandruff. At its heart, dandruff (NOT dry scalp) is a fungus, so there’s no need to use an antifungal if you don’t have a fungus.

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