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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 271 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Bondage Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Zac Zac Posen Bondage DressSometimes, my system fails me — I saw this dress months ago, when it was still at a much higher price, and wanted to consider it for a Splurge Monday. But it apparently fell to the bottom of my list, and I only just now rediscovered it. The pro:  it's now $147, down 70% from $490. (The other pros: love that color, I think the seaming is flattering, and, despite the name of the dress, I think it's a totally work appropriate dress). The con: It's available in VERY limited sizes. Sizes 10 and 12, it's your lucky day. Zac Zac Posen Bondage Dress P.S. If prices and inventory hold for Friday I'll feature one of the dresses in the AMAZING LORD & TAYLOR DRESS SALE right now — but there are a TON of dresses marked to $39.99 (to which I think you can take an additional 15% off with code STYLE). I noticed this Z Spoke Zac Posen Bondage Dress (featured on Corporette back in 2012) for $39.99, down from $199 — that's a great deal! For some reason it doesn't come up if you search by sale, so you may want to hunt by particular designers you love. Suggestions: Pink Tartan, Lafayette 148 New York, Kay Unger (who all have pieces marked down, albeit maybe not quite as low as $39.99). Readers who shop at L&T more often, which designers do you stalk at the store? P.P.S. Vente-Privee has an LK Bennett sale that just started — it looks like there will be a ton of work-appropriate blouses, dresses, blazers (and yes, shoes) marked down. Looks like most clothes are $65-$125, and most shoes (regularly $375) are around $175. (Click here if you need an invite.) Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Ellen

    Yay! I love the Lord and Taylor sale!!! Thank’s for reminding me of it, Kat!!!!

    I have to ASK my dad niceley to lift the FREEZE he put on my VISA card b/c otherwise I will NOT be abel to buy clotheing on sale, and HE will be mad if I have to spend more for the same dress.

    I like this dress, but do NOT like the name Bondage Dress. If I were to tell anyone the name, they would start thinkeing that I was in to that stuff. FOOEY on that, b/c it subjugeates us as Women who are profesionals. DOUBEL FOOEY on men that think they can control our mind’s and bodie’s by labelling a dress as a BONDAGE dress. If I designed a SUIT, what would a man think if I called it a BONDAGE suit? Would I design it without a zipper so that a man would be in BONDAGE and have to pull down HIS pant’s to pee? FOOEY! That would NOT make sense, so I recomend that they CHANGE the name of the dress to some thing else. This dress is good b/c it is NOT low cut, and men can NOT see anything.

    Rosa told me she was excited that I would be goeing out with Earnie. I hope he is half as good as she says, but her ex-freind must not be that crazy about him exept to the extent he pay’s for her support and her kids support. YAY for them b/c she does NOT work at all and lives in Chapaqua in the house she made Earnie leave once they got divorced. Earnie lives in a Condo in New Rochele, which is up in Weschester somewhere. I do NOT want to live in Weschester, unless it is near Rosa in Chapaqua. FOOEY on Weschester!

    Today I think I will walk over to the L&T to see what I want to buy on Sale. I hope the manageing partner will reimburse me b/c I plan on getting new dresse’s for court. I will show him the internet link’s to see which dresse’s he will aprove in ADVANCE so I can just BUY them as soon as Dad UNFREEZE’S my Credit Card. Yay!!!!!!!!

      • ZBK

        Where is Ellen when we need her? I hope she finds her prince charming, tho I agree that most guys in NYC are jerks who do not want to make a commitment for anything more than a weekend of hookups. As Ellen says: FOOEY!

  3. RJ

    Quick job interview Q-

    I applied for a job and got an email last week from a HR person asking if we could set up a call for this past Friday. She said it was not an interview but they were pre-screening for interviews. I had the call, it went great, she said that they would be in touch regarding scheduling interviews by Wednesday (today). I haven’t heard from her. Should I call/email and say something? It was great speaking with you, and what is the status of the interviews… (see I really can’t word it properly). Would love some help! I haven’t applied for jobs since law school so I am rusty.

    • tesyaa

      I would give her the whole of Wednesday before even thinking about touching base. “By Wednesday” includes Wednesday, IMO.

    • Hermione

      Absolutely not today. It would sound like you couldn’t follow instructions b/c “by Wednesday” includes Wednesday. I wouldn’t reach out until Friday at the earliest- better would be early next week. I’d suggest using email when you do reach out.

        • DCR

          +1 regarding touching base early next week. I would personally call, but suggest the approach that you would be more comfortable with (for me, that is phone over email for this type of thing).

    • Anonymous

      To answer your question, while she technically didn’t get back to you by Wednesday, I wouldn’t consider her “late” until Thursday and probably wouldn’t even consider reaching out at any point this week…

      Out of curiosity, who conducted the pre-screen interview? Just HR? Or did it include someone from the department in which you’d be working? What kinds of things did the pre-screen cover?

      • RJ

        Thanks everyone! The pre-screen was just one HR person, and she basically asked about the extent of my experience in this particular area of law, whether I would be willing to relocate, and my salary expectations.

        She said they only intend on interviewing 2-3 people and I took the phone call to be weeding out those who are expecting too much money, those who made it sound like they have more experience in this area than they actually did (it is a very specific area where people could say “yeah I have experience in that” but did they work on it once, or 90% of the time for the past year?), and those who are unwilling to move (since it seems like the job will require relocation in probably 2-3 years).

    • Ciao, pues

      As for how to word your email I would suggest something like this:

      Thank you for speaking with me last week regarding the Job Title. I greatly enjoyed our discussion and remain highly interested in the position. Please let me know if there is anything further I can provide to you as you consider my candidacy.

  5. Woods-comma-Elle

    Calling Toronto Corporettes!

    I will be in Toronto for a couple of nights with my mum and dad in April – any awesome parent-friendly restaurant recommendations? Generic, rather than exotic as my mum is not hugely adventurous especially when it comes to spices. Reasonably priced good, as it’s a long holiday and want to spread the love, but budget is not a deal breaker. Also, any parent-friendly sports bars for watching the ice hockey in? I’ve been to TO before but it was like six years ago and I was a student so we ate like hot dogs the whole time!

    We will be staying near Union Station and though we will have a car, preference would be not to have to drive anywhere for food.

  6. Woods-comma-Elle

    Ugh why did I use the c-word.

    Calling Toronto [readers of thissite]!

    I will be in Toronto for a couple of nights with my mum and dad in April – any awesome parent-friendly restaurant recommendations? Generic, rather than exotic as my mum is not hugely adventurous especially when it comes to spices. Reasonably priced good, as it’s a long holiday and want to spread the love, but budget is not a deal breaker. Also, any parent-friendly sports bars for watching the ice hockey in? I’ve been to TO before but it was like six years ago and I was a student so we ate like hot dogs the whole time!

    We will be staying near Union Station and though we will have a car, preference would be not to have to drive anywhere for food.

    • RealSports Bar and Grill

      Very near Union is Real Sports Bar and Grill – nothing fancy on the food front (it is exactly what it sounds like) but it is giant and is great for watching hockey, or any sport, really. I would consider it parent friendly (if your parents are OK with a sports bar). There are about a million screens and the atmosphere is usually pretty fun.

    • OttLobbyist

      Although it’s been awhile since I lived in Toronto, there are several chain restaurants in that area – Casey’s, Jack Astor’s, probably a Milestones. Also, some of the places on King West are bistro-style, so they always have steak and fries on the menu, and a basic chicken, and maybe something more unique for you if that is what you want. I almost miss Toronto when I think of the variety of restaurants… :)

    • TO Lawyer

      Real Sports is amazing for watching hockey but you will probably need to make a reservation because playoffs start mid-April and it will be packed for pretty much all playoff games. They take reservations 3 weeks in advance.

      The area around union station has a ton of sports bar/casual restaurants so if that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be fine. There is a Caseys, Jack Astors, Loose Moose (sports bar – also not a bad spot to watch the game). If you also go further west on Front Street (the street union station is on, there are a bunch of more casual but less sport bar-type restaurants. There is also a decent (although not fantastic) steak restaurant around there called Canyon Creek.

      To be perfectly honest, the food in this area is fine but nothing fabulous. We do have really great restaurants but they’re not centred around union station and the sports arenas unfortunately! If you’re willing to travel a few more blocks out of this area, let me know because there are a bunch of great places!

      • Woods-comma-Elle

        Thank you and just to clarify, certainly we are not tied to being just next door to the station, more just that I wouldn’t want to take like a half an hour cab ride or something. Happy to jump in a cab/on the subway etc. for good food!

        • TO Lawyer

          Ok in that case, my advice is to ignore everything above except for Real Sports. The food is decent and it’s just a great/fun place and the TVs are massive.

          Can you give me a little more guidance on types of cuisine? I know you said generic but a few more details will help and I can come up with some better suggestions.

          • Woods-comma-Elle

            Awesome, thank you! Basically the sports bar is just for the atmosphere as there will be an away game while we are there and my dad and I are really into ice hockey so we are not bothered about the food in that instance.

            As for cuisine, when I say generic I suppose I mean like what we here would call modern European (range of fish/meat dishes with not necessarily any particular geographical emphasis)? In general, I’m a huge fan of eating something very ‘local’ everywhere, so like mussels in Belgium etc. anything like that with local produce/dishes etc would be awesome (I looked at Canoe, for example, which looks good!)

            (If it’s easier, I can be reached on ellecommawoods at the mail beginning with g)

          • TO Lawyer

            Ok I would check out both Marben and Richmond Station, both use fresh, locally-sourced ingredients (or at least Marben used to – they’re under new ownership now so I’m not sure anymore. They’re also a close cab ride or a longer walk from Union. Jump is also fantastic and walkable from Union Station, as is Oliver and Bonacini which is a high-end chain in Ontario but fantastic.

            Canoe is amazing but SO expensive.

            Real Sports is one of my favourite places plus sometimes the athletes show up after a game so it’s really fun.

          • (Former) Clueless Summer

            Check out the Gabardine for more casual but pretty damn delicious food – walkable from Union (it’s on the way to the Eaton’s Centre). Estario Volos (sp?) is also in the financial district and is delicious Greek food.

          • Canoe

            Canoe is good but will be dead on a weekend (it’s a business place since it’s in a tower)- also I think it’s overpriced for what it is.

            I like all of the recommendations above (Real Sports is sort of ‘the’ place to watch games, but Jack Astors opened a new spot on Front Street (near Church Street) that has big TVs and a good vibe too).

            I will throw in a few others- Origin is good but has small portions. Modus is good and walkable from Union- modern European for sure, great service (at least when I was there). Bymark is also in a tower and has good food, but again, on a weekend it might be kind of dull.

  7. NOLA

    I’m thinking about giving up buying shoes for Lent. I thought about what I could give up a lot yesterday. Some things don’t make sense because I don’t do them enough (like drinking). But I need to stop getting obsessed about shoes. I got a pair of booties in the mail the other day and they don’t fit so I’m returning them. I’m thinking there is nothing I need and it would stop me from impulse shopping. I suppose I could say clothes, too, but the weather is getting warmer and I still need to assess what clothes fit and what I need. But it is food for thought…

    • Monday

      I just read “Lost and Found” by Geneen Roth, which is about people’s relationship to money and how in many ways it tracks with our relationships to food. She sees the need for “more” as often coming from our disconnection from what we already have (in both areas). No clue if you’d appreciate it, but it gave me a lot to think about, and it seems like it might complement your Lent idea.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I got this from the library a few days ago and am looking forward to reading it.

        • Monday

          Nice! I’d love to hear your reactions–I have the impression that we’re nonfiction buds so I welcome suggestions from you too. Next up I have a bunch of alcoholism memoirs and the book “Slack” about problems with the concept of workplace efficiency.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Definitely! I actually just finished a book about Anonymous/LulzSec/4Chan called We Are Anonymous that I thought was great. Totally fascinating yet horrifying at the same time. It was a good precursor to The Circle by Dave Eggers (fiction), which I’m about 1/4 through.

            Slack sounds interesting. I’ll have to look into that one too!

          • Monday

            OMG The Circle was the most provocative book I have read in years. I wrote pages of notes in response to it! Please feel free to check back in when you’re done with that too.

          • Monday

            And I just ordered We Are Anonymous–this is a topic I’d wanted more on anyway.

          • Sydney Bristow

            There is another one coming out this year by a professor. I can’t remember what it’s called, but the author of We Are Anonymous mentions it in the acknowledgements at the end. I’m really looking forward to it because I want to dig more into the topic.

        • Anon

          Thanks for the tip on We are Anonymous. I’ve been looking for more books on the subject. I finished The Circle recently and could NOT get it out of my mind. Perfect book for a plane, too, because it really sucks you in. I read it on a cross-country flight and was fascinated.

    • Mpls

      I’ve always like the idea of “giving up” time for Lent. As in volunteering with an organization, or picking up a good habit, instead of denying yourself something. I think it still connects with the message of Lent, as in you are sacrificing something – and the fact that you are doing something (instead of NOT doing something) brings that sacrifice to mind in a positive way.

      My two cents.

      • NOLA

        That’s an interesting idea! I never used to give up anything for Lent. I’m Protestant and, growing up in the North, we just didn’t do that. But being Protestant in a Catholic city is so different. So many of the Catholic traditions have bled over into the Protestant churches (like All Saints Day, which I’d never heard of). I do think it’s good to do something truly sacrificial for Lent – that’s why it requires some thought. Most food and drink things for me aren’t sacrificial because I’ve been trying to cut way back on sugar and I don’t eat a lot of salty food or fried food or things like that. I thought about Yogurtland ;) but that’s one of my few indulgences at this point and I limit it already.

      • KC

        This is something my Sunday school teacher as a kid was really passionate about, and it certainly influenced how I think about Lent. Instead of only giving up something (sweets, shopping, drinking, etc.), I like to also pick something to “do” whether that’s volunteering, donating money, cleaning out my closet to donate clothes to a women’s shelter, etc.

    • burberry scarf

      As I cannot afford a real Burberry scarf–I am giving up non-essential spending. I shop at goodwill (wearing a Gap wool pinstripe blazer, Express jeans, and lace-bib white shirt from GW today…) almost exclusively, and while it is affordable, like you said, there’s nothing that I need right now.

      The 40-day reprieve from spending (though I do have bras in transit from Amazon, and I will continue to do the shuffle with gift card money until I find some I like) will make it sweeter when I do get to go shopping again, and like you said–I will be able to reassess my spring wardrobe and make better / wiser choices at that time.

      Solidarity, sister.

    • Anon

      I’m “giving up” something and “taking on” something. I’m taking on devoting more of my time – either through reflection/meditation or through charity work. I’m “giving up” saying unkind things about people, as well as letting other people say unkind things about people around me. I know that at this point I can’t completely stop thinking unkind things, but if I actively work on not vocalizing them to anyone, not even my best friends, I can eliminate some of the negativity in my life and work on becoming a better person. :)

      • Anon

        What a great idea!

        I’m giving up being judgemental regarding other people’s choices. I generally try to publically project a ‘you do you’ attitude, but I worry that sometimes the thoughts in my head may start to come out either consciously or subconsciously.

        I’m also chosing to start a regular, recurring donation to the food pantry (cash, because in my area they can do a lot more with cash than with food donations). I figured, why not make it a whole year thing.

      • Anon in NYC

        This was something I really worked on a few years ago, just in my every day life. I didn’t want to be that person who made conversation by complaining (about myself or others). It has made an amazing difference in my outlook and general disposition. Overall I feel more positive, happy, and content. I still have negative/unkind thoughts and occasionally voice them, but the percentage is much lower.

    • Catholic anon

      Yes, the last few years I like to think about what extra reflectional/religious things I can add into my life. Some suggestions I’ve encountered over the years: go to more daily masses, attend stations of the cross or lamentations each week, say a rosary each day, pray the liturgy of the hours, read daily devotionals/Bible passages/religious books/ pope’s works, save money from buying simpler food/less shopping/whatever and donate all that saved money at the end of Lent, fast willingly every Friday. There are lots of things to do during Lent beyond just ‘give a special thing up.’

      I think we can also think about these things in terms of, what makes our lives more holy and more contemplative. Priest at service today said giving up chocolate type things are just fine if they help you to be more holy and think openly about receiving God into your heart during this time. But he encouraged us to think broadly about what that means to us. I would like to give up television one year and only allow us reading and quiet time in the evenings because I think that would help me personally bring in more peace and contemplativeness into my life that Lent is so great for.

    • lucy stone

      I am giving up my snooze alarm, which I did once during law school and it worked wonders. I’m also “giving up” 40 bags of stuff. We have way too much at our house in terms of clothes, shoes, and general clutter and there are other people who could use things that we have laying around.

  8. Anon

    The bottom half of this dress is making me think of the same thing that Georgia O’Keefe paintings do. Can’t unsee.

    • AIMS

      Yep. This is my big issue with this dress, too. Made me think of advice I once read in Cosmo: wear pink because it will make a man subconsciously think of your v*gina. Seriously!!!! (I think this is maybe when I completely stopped reading Cosmo). This dress seems like it might do the same for your whole office.

      • ZBK

        There may be something to this. When I wear my pink nightie,without fail my husband dives right into my lady garden. On the other hand, when I wear my flannel PJ’s, he will not take any initiative, even if I offer him a deep farm subsidy. Go figure!

        • Kathryn

          Deep farm subsidy has got to be the funniest/most ridiculous euphemism from the LGP trend.

        • Or...

          It could be that you’re wearing a nightie instead of flannel pajamas. Just saying.

      • Mpls

        Well, isn’t that the whole (original?) rationale behind lipstick? Amping up the color so that it mimics other body parts – subconsciously though. I don’t know that any guy (outside of a romance novel hero’s inner monologue) that would really make the connection.

  9. burberry scarf

    I happened upon what I think may be a Burberry scarf at Goodwill–but since buying it, I have convinced myself it wasn’t. Until one of my girlfriends made me think twice about it. It’s not pure cashmere, but the likelihood of it being cashmere/merino blend is reasonable. It is the iconic plaid but not in the deep tobacco-y color, more like the lighter taupe/almost blush pink-but-not-pink.

    How can I find out if it is authentic? It never had any label on it.

    • tesyaa

      I understand your curiosity, but does it make a big difference? If you like it, wear it. If not, not.

    • burberry scarf

      No difference at all, really. I’m just curious more than anything. But, with me being convinced that it isn’t Burberry, actually lessens its value to me, knowing that it is…

      It’s a really hard concept to communicate, but I’ll try. I’ve never been one to even consider high-end fashion because it is always out of my financial reach. It is just a given in my life, and I have come to terms with it. Spending $200 on a scarf is $200 that could have gone to an entire summer wardrobe for me. So when I thought that it wasn’t Burberry, it actually made me want to save up and buy a piece of Burberry (be it a scarf, or wallet, or other small trinket), and the cost-to-value ratio for me would be very high. Lots of cost, but in the end LOTS of value/earned-it feeling.

      If I happened upon one, it’s serendipitous for sure, but it doesn’t have the same blood-sweat-tears to get it, KWIM?

      I doubt I would sell it if it is genuine–I would keep wearing it, and just have a good story to tell.

    • Anonymous

      Because that print can be bought for $5 on any major city sidewalk, I would assume fake if found at Goodwill unless shown clear evidence to the contrary.

      • a passion for fashion

        That’s not necessarily true. Most of the tags (and certianly on the older ones) are meant to be cut off, like a tag on a coat. Many people these days don’t cut them off because they want people to *know* they are wearing a Burberry scarf. But if it is from someone who cut it off (likely, the same type of person who would donate something like that to goodwill), it could be authentic.

      • Anonymous

        False. Of course you can. Take it to a Burberry store for authentication.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Many stores will not do this. I think Coach and Louis Vuitton do not allow their salespeople to authenticate products because it can be extremely difficult to tell and they do not want to be potentially liable for authenticating an item that turns out to be fake.

    • Parfait

      I picked up a Kate Spade purse at a thrift store one time and a passing worker said to me “It’s a fake, just so you know.”

  10. preg anon

    Is there any hope of teaching a kiddo to speak Spanish if the parents don’t speak it and can’t afford classes? Like some combo of books or videos? I would love to do that for my nephews.

    • NOLA

      My colleague’s son goes to a French immersion school. Neither parent speaks French, although they’re trying to learn so they can speak to him in French. When he went for his kindergarten tests at another school, they asked him to count to 20 and he did it in French!

    • Anon

      YouTube can be a great source. I live in a very unilingual English speaking area and we’re trying to teach our daughter, my husband’s mother tongue. So that we’re not the only exposure she has to the language we are letting our daughter watch Sesame Street in the language we’re encouraging. There’s also lots of videos with simple kid songs in other languages. Our daughter loves her extra amount of 2nd language screen time.

      • mascot

        Watching cartoons/kid shows in French helped me in high school. It was a good way to learn a little slang too.

    • BB

      I think there are apps for this that are like games. I watched a kid play one in a doctor’s office once. It was like a monkey game where they had to pick the right color according to the Spanish word.

    • Anon

      www DOT bbc DOT co DOT uk/languages/spanish/ — this is a great site and there’s a section for kids (scroll down on the left hand side)

    • MJ

      Yes…check out the Muzzy DVDs…kid I babysit for love them, and they learned a ton of Spanish from them. I think they might be BBC or CBC? Anyone help me out here????

    • Kontraktor

      While you may get a child being able to count to 10/say isolated things with that approach / be more familiar with language learning in general, they aren’t going to achieve any true level of fluency as they would in an immersion program, if they had a caregiver speaking to them full time or even if they did weekend classes.

      For the latter, could you check out any local ethnic community centers or churches? Often they may have language classes for reduced prices on the weekends. I know a lot of my friends growing up did Chinese language school on Sundays through their local primarily Chinese churches; maybe that sort of thing might offer a more affordable or discounted rate? Alternatively, if the child goes to daycare, could the parents maybe look for a daycare where they emphasize speaking spanish? You might be able to find this through a church community or in-home daycare where the owners ‘specialize’ by only speaking Spanish.

      • Scout

        My nephews go to a daycare where only Spanish is spoken. It’s just the cutest thing when the oldest- who’s 3- comes back speaking Spanish phrases or when he speaks to the baby in Spanish.

    • Anonymous

      People need to actually interact in another language to learn it to proficiency. You will never learn another language by just watching spanish/french tv. So the child needs to actually speak it and not just hear it. Immersion school is the best way, you could see if anywhere has saturday morning classes.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Was already mulling this over but you made me pull the trigger! (…4 other items hopped in the cart too)

    • Rural Juror

      What would you suggest for someone between sizes? I am a pear shape and am between a 4 and 6. Sometimes I find the armpits on the 4 a bit tight (and the hips can be an issue, obv.)

        • Scout

          I have this dress in red and it’s really great. I’m usually a 6 in Jcrew clothes and am small busted but with wider hips. I ended up going with the 4 in this because in the 6 the darts didn’t line up right in the bust. The waist is higher up than a normal A- line dress so having a wider bottom didn’t affect it.

    • Anonymous

      Just an FYI that the red is final sale. While occasionally you can still return final sale items, it’s not a given.

      I actually just returned this dress over the weekend. While I loved the length and sleeves, the torso was too long and the chest area was too large for me.

    • AEK

      Are the sleeves cut at all generously, or are they as narrow as they look? I love sleeves for the coverage, but unfortunately, I have trouble fitting my upper arms.

  12. I'm Just Me

    A quick review of 2 Target dresses for the frugal ‘rettes among us. I’ll link in the reply.

    1. Mossimo® Women’s Con Scuba Dress — this is a nice thick scuba fabric with decent drape. Despite the Body Con in the name, it is not what I would consider to be tight, instead it skims, and the skirt has a nice flare. The blue is a darker blue than it looks in the photo, almost a bright navy. Fits TTS.

    2. Merona® Women’s Ponte Print Dress — again, a nice thick fabric. This dress also comes in a solid black with white piping, but given Target’s website you need to search for it under Women’s Ponte Dress — black. The skirt is straight and a little snug, so it might not be good for a pear or someone with a tuchus like Ellen. The front slit on the top is work appropriate.

    I’m 5’5″ and the first dress comes to the lower part of my knee and the second dress comes to the upper part of my knee.

  13. Anonymous

    The back of this dress is not really work appropriate IMO. With wildly fluctuating office temps throughout the day, I wouldn’t wear anything that *needs* a jacket over it to be appropriate.

    • Bonnie

      Beautiful dress. I wish it were higher in the back though. It’s conservative in the front and party in the back.

  14. Email ettiquette

    What are your ladies’ thoughts on emails of yours being forwarded on without your knowing? A friend and colleague a few weeks back asked for help on an issue. I told her that though I’d worked on it, someone else in my department would actually be a better person to ask, and because he’s someone with whom we’re both friends, I didn’t send an intro or anything. Nor did I copy him on the email telling her he was a better resource, since our email exchange involved non-work stuff talk.

    Today that other colleague of mine jokingly said, “thanks for putting that question on me!” and said she’d forwarded her request to him with my email saying he was the best person, and he went through the chain and saw where I said she should talk to him. It bugged me. Couldn’t she have just asked him without including my email? Plus she didn’t copy me. I find it kind of rude, I don’t know. It doesn’t help that we had non-work related conversations in it (nothing embarrassing) that I didn’t intend for others to read.
    I should say, she’s a great person whom I generally like a lot.

    • AIMS

      She shouldn’t have done that. If it bugs you, I’d just say something along the lines of, “Hey, please let me know if you are going to forward my emails in the future. Even though there was nothing especially personal in our exchange, I would prefer if Co-Worker didn’t read it or I at least knew about it before he mentioned it.”

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Yeah I don’t like this and I would also be annoyed. There is a fine line because some things are ok to forward, but I feel like that is things that are genuinely all business and informal/personal e-mail should not be forwarded without asking the other person. Particularly in this situation where there was not really anything to be gained from sending him your e-mail as she could have just said ‘oh, can you help me with this’, as you say.

      Some people have a terrible habit of forwarding stuff because they are trying to cover their backsides or relinquish responsibility – not saying this is the case, but the key is not to put anything on paper that wouldn’t stand up if forwarded (a lesson that I have some trouble following!).

      • Email ettiquette

        Honestly, this is why I’m infuriated. It would have been incredibly easy for her to just say, “Hey, can you help me with this.” They’re friends, after all, and he helped prepare the doc that led to the question. Why involve me in it? It makes it seem like “I wouldn’t bother you, but X said I should.”
        It’s interesting – my boss actually brought up this phenomenon months ago, as an email of his that he intended for just the person to whom he was writing was forwarded on. It was in the same capacity -“I tried to ask X this but he said to ask you.” My boss found it distasteful, too, and suggested it’s something in the younger generation, which I found interesting but don’t necessarily agree with. For context, he and I are both in our late thirties, so I think he thinks this is something more common among the millenials.

        • Anonymama

          I could see being annoyed about it, but “infuriated” seems like a bit of an overreaction. I think sometimes it may be meant more as, “X suggested that you would be a good person to ask about this,” though it can also come off as “X wouldn’t help me, she said you could?” She really shouldn’t have forwarded an email if you also discussed non-work-related stuff, but I also don’t think it’s really out of line, especially considering she is fairly good friends with both of you, and the two of you also seem to be fairly friendly. Honestly I hate being cc’d on extraneous emails so I’d personally be annoyed if someone cc’d me on something after I’d already told them I couldn’t help.

    • Anonymous

      While I generally assume that anything I write could be forwarded, I still think it’s bad taste for the forwarding party to not edit. At the very least, it’s disrespectful to the recipient by including all sorts of extraneous info and essentially saying “here, read this chain, half of which doesn’t apply.”

    • Anon

      Well, you did point her to him, after all. I think forwarding the chain is the normal thing to do with email, though not if it includes some embarrassing personal detail. She probably should have snipped that part out, but maybe she thought it wasn’t a big deal.

    • rosie

      I think it would have been reasonable for her to have said “[Your name] suggested I directed these questions to you,” but it was inappropriate to forward the chain both because of personal details and respect for the person’s time–why does he need to read through an email chain just to see that you referred her to him?

    • Diana Barry

      This is why if a friend asks a question, I usually write a new email to him/her and cc the other person. That way it is a totally new email, you are making the introduction yourself, and it is a “clean” business-y email.

      But yes, it is poor taste to forward and not edit.

    • DCR

      I understand why your upset by it, but have noticed that it’s increasingly common among my co-workers and friends. I generally figure that anything I type can be forwarded and consider that when writing emails – which frustrates my friends to no end because my answer on so many topics is “let’s talk about it the next time we see each other” or “give me a call.” If I would be worried about someone else seeing what I wrote, then it’s something I will only say.

      Did the email that was forwarded explain the situation? It is possible that your co-worker thought it was easier to just forward the email instead of re-writing a full description of the situation and question?

      • Email ettiquette

        Thanks so much, all, for your replies! Very helpful -I feel validated. You all hit the nail on the head, and Woods Elle especially by suggesting it’s kind of just relinquishing responsibility/covering one’s back. Which is disappointing, about my friend. I just generally hate the idea of emails that are crafted and intended for one person’s eyes being forwarded on to an unintended audience, all because the forwarder wants to show they have a reason for contacting the person without assuming the responsibility themselves.
        I love the suggestion, too, of just next time writing a clean email making the introduction. Or even better, just recognizing that emails are likely to be forwarded so I should write them accordingly. :)
        Thanks again, everyone.

      • Email ettiquette

        @DCR – great question. But nah, it was a one sentence explanation – she could easily have re-written it.
        And I like your take – more calls and less emails from here on out.

        • TBK

          PSA — This may never apply to you, but I have to just point out that the litigator in me looooves when I find an email in discovery that stops an email chain short and says “call me to discuss” or “let’s talk in person.” Sometimes it’s innocent, but it’s like catnip to me and I’ll be all over you in deposition on this. I’ve adopted the habit of simply picking up the phone instead of saying “I’m picking up the phone.” Just cleaner.

          • Email ettiquette

            That was very cool of you to share, TBK! Excellent advice – thank you.

          • TBK

            You go through just one set of discovery, where you’re looking at, say, 5-10 people’s emails, all of whom had no idea anyone would be combing through their stuff, and your own email habits change drastically. I never mix business and personal stuff in a single email and almost never use business email for anything personal anyway. I treat every email as if it’s going to be on the front page of the NYT/WaPo/WSJ. I never say anything bad about anyone else in business email. I keep all business out of my personal email. If someone else says something bad about someone in their email, I don’t reply but start a new chain instead if I need to respond to something else in the message. And if I need to say something that I don’t want on the record I PICK UP THE PHONE. If my clients did a quarter of this, my job would be easier (but then, if the other side did a quarter of this, my job would be much harder).

          • Email ettiquette

            These are such critical tips that I would never have considered. You rock for sharing them.

          • anon new admit

            Thank you for sharing these tips, TBK (including the ones below, which are at the reply to limit). They’re really useful.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I guess I’m the lone voice of dissension, but I’ve always followed the rule that I don’t put anything in writing that I would mind seeing on the front page of the NYT. Granted, when I forward other people’s emails I sometimes edit out unrelated parts of the message (although this also feels somehow dishonest, like I’m trying to hide something), but I wouldn’t be upset if this type of email was forwarded, and if I had told someone to go ask another colleague would probably expect them to forward the message.

      • Marilla

        Agreed. It’s pretty standard practice in my organization to either forward the original email (although I often copy the person I’m referring them to on my referral email) or namecheck the person who suggested you contact them (i.e., Hi Ken, Emily suggested I contact you regarding x). It’s not about abdicating responsibility or passing the buck, it’s about setting context.

        I agree that in this case it sounds like forwarding it was a wrong call, based on the type of email and the fact that the people involved all know each other. But in general – not a big deal and nothing to get infuriated about. TBK’s advice on email is excellent.

        • Email ettiquette

          Right, Marilla – in general it’s not a big deal and nothing to get infuriated about. In this context, though, I think it was uncool.

      • Email ettiquette

        Thanks for your perspective! I don’t know – then at the very least she could have copied me on the message too, yes? I didn’t even know she passed it on until he told me. Which kind of shows that she knew it was a bit underhanded.

        • Marilla

          Isn’t it possible she thought there was no point copying you on extra emails, though? I wouldn’t assume underhandedness unless there’s something else that’s sort of pinging your office politics radar.

    • CountC

      I would annoyed also. I, like others, generally assume anything I put in writing will and can be viewed by others. I hope it’s not, but I assume it will be. Frustrating, but reality.

      A CEO I worked for did this with EVERYONE’s emails. Emails that she had NO business forwarding. This was one of many horrible business practices and, IMO, ethical issues, with that business. And part of why I expect the business to stop functioning very shortly. Unreal.

  15. Feedback

    Question for the lawyers out there. I am a junior/mid level associate. I just closed a deal a few weeks ago, and I’d like to solicit feedback from the partner. I’ve never really gotten in the habit of soliciting formal feedback and would like to start. What would be the best way to go about doing this? Emailing the partner and saying something like, I really enjoyed working with you on X deal and would like to continue working with you. Would appreciate your thoughts on my performance on X deal and what I can do to continue to improve? Or something along those lines? For what it’s worth, this partner is not in the same location as me or I might just stop by casually. Thanks in advance ladies.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I think this sounds like a sensible approach – it may be worth asking if s/he might prefer to have a few minutes to have a phone call to discuss (as that would involve less work on the partner’s part). Keep it casual – if the partner wants to give feedback, s/he will be happy to engage, if not, you have lost nothing by asking.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t ask. If you screwed up, they’ll tell you. Asking makes you look very millennial.

        • Anonymous

          Sure – I honed in on the planning to ask regularly for feedback piece. I don’t think it’s terrible to have a conversation about how the deal went but there’s a line between that and reassurance seeking. There’s tons out on how millennialist need constant feedback and I think regularly seeking it can rub those of a different generation wrong. (Obviously not everyone so again, know your people/office).

      • TBK

        I get what you’re saying but, ugh, this is one of the things I hate most about how the practice of law (especially at the big law level) has changed. There’s so much pressure to bill ALL THE TIME that senior lawyers no longer are willing to take the time to mentor and groom younger lawyers. It’s such a shame. I see how it seems really millennial (“I need constant feedback all the time to feel secure!”) but honestly it might be healthy if associates started asking for just 15 minutes here and there to get feedback on how to improve. It really should be seen as an investment, not a time-suck.

        • San Diego

          I like this approach. There’s no harm in calling the partner and saying you liked working on the deal, would like to work on his/her next deal and is there anything he/she thinks you should be doing. I’d actually avoid the specific word “feedback” as that can come off as needing validation (I don’t think it should but some folks of a certain generation do). Also, feedback sounds formal and partners have a hard enough time giving appropriate comments during the formal review process. Keep it informal and about wanting to continue working with that partner.

        • JJ

          I agree with this. My husband is in a different professional field and he’s the one that taught me to schedule feedback meetings with superiors every quarter to six months to check and make sure that I’m progressing/not screwing up/on track for promotions, etc. I don’t think it’s “millenial” (I’m not one, besides), I think it’s taking responsibility for my career.

          For what it’s worth, these types of meetings have been well-received by the partners I work with. It might be different at different law firms with different cultures, however.

      • Nancy P

        Unless the partner is very reserved, gruff, and formalistic, I don’t think this makes you look millennial. Partners know they’re supposed to give associates feedback. Those who care remotely about associate development feel guilty they don’t. Asking if partner is available for a quick chat about your performance gives him/her an easy way to do this and absolves them of guilt for a while.

      • Anonymous

        “If you screwed up, they’ll tell you.”

        I don’t think this is necessarily true. Often in the crush of closing, as a person overseeing (whether it’s a junior associate overseeing paralegal work, senior assoc overseeing junior, you get the idea) it’s just easier and faster to fix the mistakes than try to have a teaching moment. And then when everyone disperses post-closing and drinks to forget the madness, the mistakes are forgotten about. I think it’s helpful for anyone in a junior role to check in and ask if there was anything they can do in the future to make senior’s life easier. This doesn’t have to carry the tone of “I’m sure I screwed up, what was it this time”, but can be more “What additional things can I do?”

        • Woods-comma-Elle

          Yup, exactly this. All that will (likely) happen is the person will not use you anymore and you will never know why or fix something that could potentially be a relatively minor issue to fix.

        • Anonymous

          Anon who made the comment here, that was my experience. If you pay attention as a deal or case progresses, you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t and most lawyers aren’t shy about saying what they think. Also trying to model yourself off of one deal won’t necessarily work for the next one (different people/players). Just pay attention and learn as you go.

      • Anon

        I sort of agree with this. I think an email expressing that you enjoyed working with the partner and would like to do so again is great. I would leave it at that. If you want feedback, get it as you go. For example, if a partner marks up your doc or suggests changes to something you did and you don’t understand why, ask about it at that point. That way you don’t seem like you are asking for a grade at the end of the semester, so to speak.

    • burberry scarf

      Rather than saying “how do YOU feel that I did?” as the way that you phrase your questions, perhaps a better way to ask is to say something like, “I want to ensure that I am covering all my bases to perform excellent work for the firm, and with our history of working on X deal, perhaps you can help me identify things that I can do to improve.”

      That way, you’re not asking partner to make some kind of judgement call ON you. You’re asking for help for something that YOU do. I can see that if it is with a partner you’ve not worked with before, the only response is, “you did fine” which doesn’t really tell you anything at all. Partner may not feel comfortable offering judgement-y type feedback if they’re not your supervisor or mentor, but would feel comfortable offering some concrete, business-things/processes that you DO, rather than what you ARE. Does that make sense? Basically de-personalize it for them.

      Kind of like the whole mantra of arguing fair–don’t ever say “You do this, that, and the other.” The way to phrase it is, “I feel XYZ when you do this, that, and the other” Put the onus on yourself, rather than the other person.

    • M

      We actually just had an associate pre-review meeting and the number one thing they told us was to never ask for feedback in email. This probably depends on your firm but all the partners said they would be super annoyed if they got an email like this and would think it was awkward. They stated they had no problem giving feedback but would much prefer the associate stop by their office and ask for it in the natural flow of the conversation.

      • Romey

        What if you do not work in the same office as the partner? OP said she works in different location.

        • Anon

          Pick up the phone. Call them. Have a conversation. This is the number one complaint partners have about associates of a certain generation – refusal to use the phone.

        • B

          As someone who works almost entirely cross-office, I can’t stress enough how important it is not to rely on email for everything. I look for excuses to be in the other offices and when I am, I make sure these conversations happen. Can you complete the work entirely using email, yes. Can you succeed at a firm and make all of the interpersonal connections necessary to have mentors and sponsors and all of that important intangible stuff, no way. This is why it is so important to participate in the soft stuff – happy hours and lunches, etc.

          • Romey

            How does going to a happy hour or a lunch help in meeting partners and attorneys at other office locations? Not trying to be snarky, just wondering what you mean by that.

          • B

            I find excuses to go to the other offices and participate in those types of things with the lawyers in the other offices. My point is if you are in office X and work with attorneys in office Y, you’ve got to find ways to be in office Y and spend time with those people so that you develop a relationship. You can easily work from two offices, but if you want to advance (ie, make partner in a firm), I think it’s important to get some face time. And when you are working remotely, I also agree with the point above that it’s important to pick up the phone and not always rely on email.

    • Anonymama

      I could see being annoyed about it, but “infuriated” seems like a bit of an overreaction. I think sometimes it may be meant more as, “X suggested that you would be a good person to ask about this,” though it can also come off as “X wouldn’t help me, she said you could?” She really shouldn’t have forwarded an email if you also discussed non-work-related stuff, but I also don’t think it’s really out of line, especially considering she is fairly good friends with both of you, and the two of you also seem to be fairly friendly. Honestly I hate being cc’d on extraneous emails so I’d personally be annoyed if someone cc’d me on something after I’d already told them I couldn’t help.

    • B

      I think I would ask for a few minutes to chat and not word it as a direct ask for feedback. Most partners I work with are kind of awkward about giving feedback, especially negative, so if you approach it as a more of a checking in conversation, talking about work you’re interested in and asking for career at the firm advice in general, that would give them the opportunity to give you some feedback without making them feel so awkward about it. Then, at the appropriate moment in the conversation, perhaps when you’re talking about what sort of deals you should be working on and what you need to be learning at your level, you can make the more specific ask – was there anything on [prior deal] that you feel like I need to improve upon and can you suggest another deal/resource/thing to do/person to work with to help improve that area?

  16. San Diego Recommendations

    Hi all. I just found out that I will be in San Diego next month for a few days. I will be working part of the time, but will also have some free time to go exploring. Looking for any recommendations of things to see, restaurants, etc. TIA!

    • L

      Monello, near the airport is delicious. Also loved fig tree cafe and urban solace. I’d say go to the beaches even if it’s a quick trip; you’re usually no more than a 15 min drive away from one (though I’d say skip silver strand). Definitely go to Coronado!!

    • San Diego

      100 Wines in Hillcrest is delicious. If you like pork, there is a great little place on University called the Carnitas Snack Shack. Lots of great cafés and wine bars in Little Italy (India St). The best Mexican food is not in Old Town – too touristy. Head up to Solana Beach and go to Fidel’s. The Brigantine in Del Mar has delicious fish tacos. They also have a Coronado location.

      If you’re into zoos, the SD Zoo is amazing. As is its Wild Animal Park which is in the northern part of the county.

      If you like architecture, the new central library is beautiful. I just did a tour last weekend. The touring piece of the Vietnam War memorial is here and will be down by the USS Midway. Coronado is fun – it’s like a small town with a navy base attached.

    • MJ

      Sunset magazine just did a feature on the Gaslight District. Def check their online archives for a great San Diego trip. (They are best California magazine–sorry I recommend it on here so much!)

    • AnonLawMom

      Point Loma Seafoods is very close to downtown and it is a great spot for a casual lunch by the water. The fish sandwich is ridiculous.

  17. Pesh

    Ladies, I’m leaving next week for a Caribbean vacation (first vacation in 9 years!!). I need some new recommendations for good beach reads. I don’t usually like sci-fi/fantasy, but otherwise am pretty open to ideas and ready to load up my kindle!

    • Anony

      I loved reading 50 Shades while on vaca (if it’s your cup of tea). Definitely got the vacation going in the right direction…

      • Pesh

        Haha, funny story – I was reading 50 Shades at the pool in my parent’s development a few years ago, and a little girl (probably about 7 years old) came up to me and asked “Why are so many girls reading that book?” I can’t remember what I told her, but couldn’t help not laughing!

    • Mpls

      My recommendations will be romance novels, since that’s my current (going on about 15 years) kick.

      Historical romance – anything by Courtney Milan or Sherry Thomas. Both have series books and Sherry Thomas has some standalones. Will warn you, they tend to make me ugly cry (because of the well written characters and emotion).

      Contemporary romance – Louisa Edwards or VIctoria Dahl – both have series (usually trilogies) that are pretty good.

      Paranormal (which ranges into the sci-fi/fantasy) – Nalini Singh – has two series, the Angel series and the Psy-Changling series. Seriously awesome world building, but does play into the vampire/werewolf/psychic realm. But it a way that isn’t awful, if that makes sense at all.

    • Anon

      The Amelia Peabody books are great for beach reading. The first one is called Crocodile on the Sandbank.

  18. tesyaa

    Formalwear question: This may sound silly, but what is the point of wearing drop-dead heels with a floor-length dress (for a formal wedding or similar)? Can’t I just wear ballet flats? I know that when I walk my shoes might show, but how much?

    • LizNYC

      I admit I don’t know and that I wore comfy flats under my long wedding dress and no one was the wiser (and I was not in agony!)

    • Anonymous

      Heels change how you carry yourself and tend to be slimming. I’d wear then for photos/ceremony but have a pair of flats for dancing.

      • Anonymous

        Anyone I know who does this trips over their dress at the reception. One girl I saw wore 4 inch heels and then converses for her reception and she kept tripping during their first dance. I’d pick a height and stick with it.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      I’m short, so I would likely have to wear heels to (i) avoid having to shorten the dress and (ii) avoid looking dumpy. I think ultimately you will have to pick one or the other as it will determine the length of the dress – if you start off with sky-high heels with a dress that brushes the ground, you will need clips or something to avoid tripping all over the hem in flats.

      • tesyaa

        This is what I’m worried about. I’m thinking of going with heels anyway, but maybe bringing an older, broken-in pair to switch off with? Problems, problems.

        • tesyaa

          I have had a couple of pairs of Nina satin shoes, and I find them uncomfortable! Too bad because I love the styling!

    • Bonnie

      I think I walk much more elegantly in heels than in flats. For me, this is true of any height heel so maybe consider wearing a shorter heel for more comfort and stability?

    • Pesh

      You could also think about very dressy wedges. They give you the height but don’t hurt your feet as badly. A friend wore a gorgeous pair at her wedding a few years ago for just this reason. They’re more delicate than typical summer wedges of course.

    • tesyaa

      Just FYI, I am not the one getting married, but I still need to wear a floor-length dress. At my own wedding many, many years ago I wore mid-heel white satin pumps, but I’m kind of older now.

      • Marilla

        My mom wore low, chunky heels at my wedding and two of my sisters wore flats, all with floor-length dresses. I wore heels but switched to comfier, slightly lower heels for dancing (and yes, I had tripping/length issues even with that slight difference!). I would trade comfort/being able to walk without tripping/being able to dance comfortably over the slight additional boost to elegance/look in photos that heels would give you. Especially if it’s one of your children or a close relative/friend’s family wedding where you can expect to be not only walking down the aisle but right in the thick of the crazy dancing. (Which is the best part!)

        • tesyaa

          You totally get where I’m at! Plus the bride is wearing flats and we’re about the same height without shoes…. so suddenly I will tower over her if I’m wearing 3″ heels. I just think if I’m wearing something similar to my every day flats I won’t feel festive enough.

        • tesyaa

          Just letting you know that I am ordering dressy flats from Zappos right this minute.

          • Marilla

            I think that’s the best choice – especially something with some nice detailing on the toe so the part that peeks out under your dress looks formal and lovely. Congratulations on the wedding!

  19. LentenAnon

    Hey everyone! Happy Wednesday! Does anyone have suggestions for Lent-friendly (FISH!) dishes? As someone originally from the midwest, we just didn’t cook much seafood. Basically all meat and potatoes. But now I’m really looking to vary my Lenten routine from the typical pasta and cheese sandwiches. Suggestions anyone?

    • Anonymous

      Are you near a Wegmans? They have salmon and tilapia that already has seasoning on it, and there’s directions on the box, and you just pop it in the oven. Same with WholeFoods. Fish goes well with mac and cheese. What about shrimp, crab, lobster, etc? You could also pick up some Philips Crabcakes in the frozen food aisle. You also don’t HAVE to eat fish on friday, you can make fridays a day to go vegetarian. Look up vegetarian recipes with beans, quinoa, etc….

    • TBK

      Salmon: Get a couple of salmon fillets. Mix about 3 tbsp soy sauce, 1 tbsp mirin (available in the Asian section of most groceries), 1 tbsp vegetable oil, and 1 tbsp grated fresh ginger (all this is just estimated — adjust amounts as needed). Put the fillets skin side down in a dish with a rim and pour the marinade over it. Let sit 20-30 min. Broil the fish skin side down until done (which is a matter of taste — some people like it much rarer than others — but it will only be a few minutes so check frequently.)

      Tilapia: You can get these fresh or frozen and both work equally well. Defrost the frozen ones in cold water or in your fridge. Salt and pepper both sides of the fish. Put some flour in a dish with a rim and dredge the fish in it. In a large skillet, melt some butter over medium heat. Put the fish in the pan and cook on both sides until done (just a few minutes per side). Try very hard to only flip the fish once because you want it to develop a light brown crust as the flour cooks in the butter. Take the fish out and put it aside. While the fish is cooking: Take about 1/2 cup of hot broth (I use chicken but I think you could use vegetable if you needed to for lent) and add the juice of one lemon. Melt a pat of butter in the broth and mix it up. Lightly crush some capers (maybe a tbsp) and add them to the broth. When the fish is out of the pan, turn up the heat and add the broth mixture. Use a plastic turner to scrape all the fish bits on the bottom of the pan into the broth. Cook until the broth has reduced about half. Pour the broth over the fish.

    • Catholic anon

      Fish is great. We probably eat too much during Lent. Thin pieces of salmon can be pan fried; start skin side down, cook for 5-6 minutes, then flip and cook for another 3 or so minutes. Serious Eats has a good overview on how to pan fry salmon. Thicker pieces can be seasoned however you like (we either do a sugary spice rub or just drizzle olive oil, herbs and lemon slices) and put in the oven at about 425 until done (at least 20 minutes). Lightly flour/season cod, sole, tilapia or other thin white fish and pan fry in a bit of olive oil and butter until done (not long, maybe 3-4 min/side if that). Cod, white fish or halibut can be baked in the oven with a topping of a little olive oil, sliced leeks and tomatos (regular or sun dried). You can also add olives if you want.

      Shrimp can be prepped in a myriad of ways. I like sauteeing in a pan with shallots and garlic and making a light sauce of lemon, vermouth, butter and hot sauce. You can also grill very easily and serve with grilledveggies of your choice. We like shrimp simmered in jarred curry sauce in a pinch, and we add peppers, onions and sometimes califlower. Also makes a great addition to alfredo pasta or lightly dressed olive oil/cheese/herb pasta with roast veggies.

      We also like crabcakes, or crab (nice canned crab is fine) on a salad of bibb lettuce, avacado, tomatos and hearts of palm. You can do the same salad with shrimp, or a southwesty type salad with lettuce, black beans, corn, scallions and mango with a lime chili dressing. Crab chowder is not too hard, nor are steaming mussels or clams (just use a little bit of broth, wine, aromatics and you’re set). You can also make tuna melts in a pinch, and I like tuna salad with white beans, tomatoes, celery and olive oil, lemon, a ton of parsley and chili flakes (to make it a bit italian) or just traditional with celery, onions, sometimes tomato and a little bit of lemon and mayo. You can also do smoked salmon and bagel night with all the fixings (hard boiled egg, capers, onions, cream cheese, lemon etc).

    • Gail the Goldfish

      This is my favorite salmon recipe. It’s from a cookbook called How to Boil Water:

      Ingredients:
      1 lemon
      several sprigs fresh dill, plus more for garnish (I use dried dill; 1 tsp)
      1 tablespoon kosher salt
      1 heaping teaspoon sugar
      pinch cayenne pepper
      4 6-ounce center cut salmon fillets with skin
      vegetable oil (I use olive oil)

      Steps:
      1. Preheat oven to 300F. Line rimmed baking sheet with foil. Zest half the lemon into a small bowl. Finely chop the dill, about 1 tablespoon in all, and add to the bowl. Stir in the salt, sugar, and cayenne pepper.
      2. Lightly brush the salmon with vegetable oil. Evenly sprinkle the spiced salt over the top (but not the sides) of the fillets and place on the baking sheet, skin side up. Roast until the bottom is glazed, the sides are opaque, and the salmon is just ooked through, about 18 minutes. Transfer the salmon to serving plates with metal spatula or pancake turner. Add a sprig of dill to each and serve.

      I tend to cut back on the salt and add more cayenne pepper, but it’s very easy to play with the proportions until you find what you like.

  21. Miss Behaved

    Question…

    Does anyone here have a suggestion on how to tell someone (my sister-in-law) that her choice of outfit is totally inappropriate? This Sunday we’re all going to my uncle’s 75 birthday dinner at his club. It’s just family. The club is pretty conservative. I’m wearing a sweater dress. Most women will be wearing cashmere and pearls. She chose a cocktail dress from Rent the Runway that has a distinct lingerie vibe and would not be out of place if she were 18 and going clubbing.

    The only reason I know what she’s wearing is that I offered to loan her something because she’s between sizes right now. Any ideas? Or do I just let it happen? I’ve mentioned it to my mother and she’s not sure what to do either. I think we’re all going to meet up at my sister’s beforehand so maybe she’ll get the message there?

    • LawyrChk

      I wouldn’t bother saying anything unless she is from out of town and doesn’t know anything about the club in question. She is an adult and can dress anyway she sees fit; if this were your sister or your best friend, I’d probably feel differently.

    • Anonymous

      You could say something like “Hey susie I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but the club is conservative and has a dress code” if she doesn’t know. If she already does know…well…she’s a grown woman. She can choose what to wear.

      • hoola hoopa

        I’m thinking this, too. If she genuinely doesn’t understand the social norm, then I’d tell her gently – maybe say what other women will probably be wearing. But if she’s completely in the know, then let her make her choice.

        Cute dress, but I can see why you’re hesitant.

    • mascot

      Have your brother run interference. She really may not know better perhaps having never been to this venue. Or if you have a good enough relationship with her, ask her about her dress and mention what she might normally see at such a place.
      I think waiting to spring a dress code on her 15 minutes before you leave would put her in a worse spot of having nothing to change into and that just seems a bit mean.

    • Meg Murry

      If you don’t want to come out and say “thats inappropriate” you could be more roundabout and just tell her that while what she’s picked is pretty she will probably be cold in it and suggest she wear a jacket or sweater to keep warm.
      I’m reminded of the scene in The Help where all the women are wearing long sleeved dresses with turtleneck collars and there is one woman wearing a short, strapless dress.

      • Maggie P. Dixon

        Celia’s dress was neither short nor strapless. It was, however, extremely décolleté, while most of the other women’s dresses were boatnecked (or, like Hilly’s, had a chiffon modesty panel over the décolletage). Plus Celia’s dress was sparkly red, while the other ladies were in more subdued or darker colors.

    • Anon

      Can you link to the dress? I’m just curious how bad it is. :) But unless it’s terrible, I wouldn’t say anything. A dress can be ugly and still meet the dress code requirements.

        • San Diego

          Wow. That looks like a negligee. Totally inappropriate for this event and this location.

          • Miss Behaved

            I know. The problem is she didn’t ask for my opinion or even send me the link. I went and looked it up based on the information she gave me. So I’m not sure I can approach her about it…

        • Bonnie

          Yikes. As bad as it is, I’d still just limit it to the hey not sure if you knew but the club is conservative suggestion from above.

        • Wildkitten

          Some of the examples of people wearing it make it appropriate for a variety of circumstances (but it sounds like still not this one).

          • Anon

            That’s not appropriate for any place. It looks poorly made considering the retail price tag. The IRL examples actually made me dislike the dress even more than RTR’s main photo. It looks like lingerie, it’s tacky and cheap looking, and it’s far too short to be flattering or appropriate on most women. It’s a major fashion don’t. The length screams teenager’s dress but the s3xy lingerie style makes it inappropriate for that age group as well!

            Miss Behaved, I have no real advice. My SIL and I have similar taste so this would never come up. Good luck.

          • Anon

            I don’t think it’s inappropriate for any place – when I go to weddings, even more formal ones, there are always at least a couple younger women wearing dresses like that, including to church. It’s an age thing, or maybe just a Catholic thing? No one clutches their pearls, we all dressed like that at one point. It’s definitely out of place at a 75th birthday party, but she won’t get kicked out or anything.

          • Anon

            I’m not Catholic or old. It’s simply a very tacky dress. I’ve been to and been in numerous weddings (Catholic weddings included) and have never seen a woman of any age dressed in something like this. It’s trashy. It looks like it came from Forever 21. Maybe it’s a class thing but it would be considered disrespectful to wear something like that to any religious ceremony in my family/friend group. My mother wouldn’t have let me out of the house dressed in it!

          • Reading Comprehension

            Thanks Wild kitten. Obtuse, much? This string of comments referenced seeing dresses like this at a wedding. We know Miss Behaved’s dilemma is about a birthday party. Fwiw, I wouldn’t wear this dress to any event – wedding, birthday, cocktail party, funeral, dates, etc. I might wear it as a Halloween costume if I was dressing up as the walk of shame.

          • MK

            Wow way to be really harsh. I don’t think this dress is that bad (confession – I really like it on some of the people wearing it on RTR) – it looks really short on the model but I think if someone was more petite, it would be longer and wouldn’t show so much leg. You can see that on the pictures of people wearing the dress.

            I agree – it’s probably not appropriate for a family birthday party but I would wear it to a non-religious ceremony, a date or a friend’s co*ktail party.

        • Marilla

          What a lovely nightie…

          I wonder if there’s some roundabout way you could approach this – like emailing all the women in your family (mom, SIL, sisters?) with something like, “Hey all, I wasn’t sure what to wear to Uncle’s 75th so I called the club to check if there was a formal dress code. Turns out there is and it’s x, y, z.” (Or have your mom send that email around instead of you.)

          Alternately, bring a black sweater for her and offer it to her if she seems uncomfortable at the event?

    • LH

      I don’t think its your place to tell her what to wear. You could mention what you and other women in your family are wearing but beyond that I think you have to leave it alone. My guess is she knows what others are wearing and still wants to wear this.

      • rosie

        I agree. Tell her what you are wearing, describe the venue (if she has not been there before), and that’s it. No need to create drama here.

        • marketingchic

          A variation on that theme – email her to ask her opinion of what YOU should wear, and include links to the types of appropriate outfits you might choose. That could give her a clue.

          Is she young and/or new to the family? Many years ago I dated someone whose family/background was a lot wealthier than mine. Thinking back now to what I wore in country club settings with him makes me cringe. A gentle nudge on the topic might be the kind thing to do.

          • Hermione

            Assuming this sister-in-law is the mother of the two year old we learned about last week in the ski condo post, I’d say she’s been in the family long enough to know what’s expected. It’s a family-only event. Let it go.

          • Ciao, pues

            I had the same thought. I wore a loud slinky dress and sky high strappy heels to my now SIL’s wedding at a catholic church and fancy country club. whoops. i was only 22 and new to the much wealthier than mine family. i would have welcomed some gentle guidance.

          • We need an update on the ski weekend

            Yes, yes — we need an update on the ski weekend / sleeping arrangement / backing out gracefully. I know last week was a rough week for you and I (smug married with minivan) had your back (and private sleeping quarters) on this one.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. If they won’t throw her out because of the dress, then she will just look silly…I would ignore.

    • Abby Lockhart

      Are you driving yourself to her house? If she might change her mind when everyone arrives, or there is an opportunity for someone to say “Well now it looks like we’re all underdressed” or “I didn’t know we were going dancing later” and make her squirm a bit, it might be convenient for you to have whatever you thought to lend her already in your car. Say you were conflicted about what to wear yourself if you have to?

  22. Help!

    What exactly does “managing up” mean, and how can I do it better? Is it a matter of better synthesizing and filtering information back up to my boss in a bottom-line-up-front manner? What resources have helped you do this?

    • AnonInfinity

      I think of managing up as a way of managing the relationship with your boss to get the best outcome.

      My experience is that the best way to do this is based primarily on the boss in question. For example, say you were copied on an email you know your boss needs to answer but you think might slip through the cracks. I work for one partner who is perfectly fine with me going to his office, sitting in a chair, talking through the email response, and staying until he actually types and sends the response. Other partners work better if I forward the email a couple of hours later and say something like, “Below is a proposed response to this email. Please let me know if you’d like me to send.” Still others would prefer an email a couple of hours later that just says, “Do you have everything you need to answer the email below?”

      Things that are pretty typical of managing up — Make sure you have all the information your boss might need for a specific project or decision so you can provide whatever it seems Boss may need. Be prepared with a plan of action to propose (one way that works with most people is, “I propose we do X because Y. I’ll do X on Thursday unless you think that’s not a good plan.”). Generally try to make things the easiest possible for your boss to take an action or make a decision.

    • rosie

      I have found Ask a Manager (blog) helpful with this. It’s also super helpful to see how others do this. I had an immediate supervisor who modeled excellent behavior for dealing with our micromanaging boss, which including things like presenting projects with a clear role for the micromanaging boss, so we were defining her role in it (and asking her for “help” on specific things) to try to preempt her from getting unnecessarily involved in all aspects.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      Agree with AnonInfinity. A lot of managing up is thinking ahead to help your boss look good, but it also involves understanding their personality quirks to make sure you have what you need to succeed. So if you need feedback/information from them to complete a project and they are too busy/forget about it, figuring out the best way to get what you need (pop into their office, send a follow up email, schedule a meeting) so you can get your job done.

    • hoola hoopa

      Agree. I think of managing up as anything that helps your manager give you what you need. It will depend substantially on you and your manager, as well as your work.

      An example from my job is that I give my manager a heads up whenever one of my projects is planning to come to him with a request to change my role or effort. I like him to hear the back story from me, plant an idea of what kind of response I want him to give, as well as just give him the warm fuzzy of knowing I didn’t let him get ambushed.

      For a previous manager, it was keeping a running list of literally every request he made and reviewing it with him once or twice a month. He was the kind of ‘big thinker’ who was constantly asking us to look at this, try that, talk to so-and-so, etc. He needed to be reigned in otherwise everyone was running around like chickens without a head, then he’d get upset because no one was working on what he (apparently) wanted us to actually be doing.

      For another, I kept a running list of deadlines and started each meeting by reviewing them – and specifically saying how many weeks or months were left to do the work. I found her internal calendar was not accurate, so we could prioritize tasks and projects most efficiently during the meeting when it was fresh in her head.

  23. PLEASE help me stop obsessing...

    Alright, poll question for the hive… I’m TTC and Saturday will be 10 days past ovulation for me. It’s also my best friend’s bachelorette party. Should I:
    (a) take a test that morning and drink if -, not if +
    (b) not test and carry on as usual, or
    (c) not test, but have only a drink or 2.

    Helpful background: This is our 11th month, and it feels like it’s taking “FOREVER” (ELLEN caps appropriate), and it’s hard not to let this take over my life as is. Therefore, I’m firmly in camp “no big changes til it’s positive” and I drink in moderation (a glass of wine or 2 occasionally) during my luteal phase. I also normally don’t test until after I’m late (a negative test, unfortunately, doesn’t kill my hope and I still am crushed when my period comes). I wouldn’t be getting smashed or anything at the bachelorette – probably around 4 drinks – but I just worry that I”ll wonder “what if” if I carry on as usual and get another “no” this month. At this point, I’m leaning towards (a), but am worried that it’s just too early for an accurate result and a negative will affect my mood on what otherwise should be a happy day for everyone.

    Thanks in advance for your wise insight!

  24. PLEASE help me stop obsessing...

    Agh, moderation for **tte. Reposting below, apologies for duplicate poste

    Alright, poll question for the hive… I’m TTC and Saturday will be 10 days past ovulation for me. It’s also my best friend’s bach*e*te party. Should I:
    (a) take a test that morning and drink if -, not if +
    (b) not test and carry on as usual, or
    (c) not test, but have only a drink or 2.

    Helpful background: This is our 11th month, and it feels like it’s taking “FOREVER” (ELLEN caps appropriate), and it’s hard not to let this take over my life as is. Therefore, I’m firmly in camp “no big changes til it’s positive” and I drink in moderation (a glass of wine or 2 occasionally) during my luteal phase. I also normally don’t test until after I’m late (a negative test, unfortunately, doesn’t kill my hope and I still am crushed when my period comes). I wouldn’t be getting smashed or anything at the bach*e*te – probably around 4 drinks – but I just worry that I”ll wonder “what if” if I carry on as usual and get another “no” this month. At this point, I’m leaning towards (a), but am worried that it’s just too early for an accurate result and a negative will affect my mood on what otherwise should be a happy day for everyone.

    Thanks in advance for your wise insight!

    • AnonLawMom

      Take the test. Drink ’til its pink. Good luck! Keep in mind that almost no one gets a positive at 10dpo though, so maybe skip the test if it’s going to put you in a bad mood. Drink anyway. If you aren’t pregnant enough to get a positive test, then you aren’t pregnant enough for a couple drinks to do any real damage (disclaimer: not a doctor!). FWIW, I’ve been pregnant 4 times and each time I started testing 9dpo (because I like to torture myself, apparently). Once, I got a bfp at 11dpo but every other time it was 12dpo. Never, ever 10dpo.

    • TBK

      My OB friend told me when I was TTC that alcohol doesn’t affect the embryo until you’re at the point where you’d have a positive test (because you’re not yet sharing a blood supply).

      • just Karen

        +2 – I would not test, and drink, just not going crazy. At 10 days post ovulation, you are not sharing nutrients, but making your system totally toxic still isn’t a good idea. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

      • ezt

        Agree with this, have a drink or two, it won’t do anything. Maybe drink a glass of water for each drink, just for peace of mind.

    • Handywoman

      I don’t think that the placenta even forms until week 5 (after LMP).

      Again, not a doctor.

    • Kontraktor

      Will 4 glasses of alcohol really make a difference as to whether or not you have fun at this party? Why do you need that amount of alcohol to have fun celebrating with a good friend? Personally, I wouldn’t drink at all if there was a question. But, if you tested in the morning and got a -, I would still probably refrain from 4 glasses, maybe just have your usual 1. Not a doctor. Just somebody who would probably err on the cautious side.

    • PLEASE help me stop obsessing...

      Thanks, ladies for the advice and support. I will probably test and go with it.

      Honestly, I want to err on the side of caution, but have just gotten burned so many times not doing things or not planning things because, maybe I am… After this long, I’m just getting tired of it. Rawr! I also just don’t want to explain the one drink thing to people, which is honestly not very much over a 6 hour dinner and going out event. (I know we’ve talked about peer pressure drinking, and I definitely don’t think you have to drink or have to drink to have fun, etc., but some of my friends are nosy and know we’re TTC so will definitely point it out and make me discuss it…)

      Anyway, thanks to all.

    • Samantha

      I’d say don’t test (since as you pointed out a negative doesn’t shield you from disappointment later) and do drink 1-2 drinks. You probably don’t have to explain to your friends why you’re drinking only 1-2 drinks, and if you do, then “TTC, so trying to live a healthy lifestyle” should do it.

  25. Anon S

    Hey ladies, threadjack question for the married ladies (or those in a significant long term relationship!) Do you think it’s normal and not a sign of a deeper problem if you have another guy friend who is more comforting to you in certain situations than your husband? For example, I have a guy friend (which is 100% platonic and always has been) and when I have a bad day or something bums me out and I tell him, he just makes me feel better about it than when I tell my husband. Does anyone else have a similar situation? My husband and I are perfectly fine, no problems. We’ve been married for a little over a year. I just get the sense that sometimes when I tell him things he’s not REALLY listening to me (like a typical guy I suppose) but then when I tell my guy friend, he definitely seems to be genuinely interested and responds accordingly with appropriate responses and pieces of advice.

    • Bonnie

      This seems troublesome to me. IMHO, your partner should be your primary emotional support. Even if your relationship with this guy is platonic, your emotional relationship may not be appropriate.

      • Anon S

        What if you had a female friend that was more emotionally supportive than your husband?

        • Wildkitten

          She says “certain circumstances” but they are “when I have a bad day or when something bums me out” which seems to be all of the circumstances.

        • Bonnie

          I have some amazing female friends but my DH will always be the most supportive person in my life.

    • hoola hoopa

      The best way to answer to these situations is to very seriously consider (a) would you, friend, and husband feel comfortable with what’s happening if everyone were in the same room and (b) how would you feel if husband were doing the same? If the answer to either of those is less than positive, then stop if you care about your husband or marriage.

      • rosie

        I think this is good advice. How would you feel if your husband turned to a friend instead of you because he didn’t think you really listened to him?

        • Anon S

          Let me give a more concrete example. Today, I found out that I didn’t get a job that I had interviewed for. My friend (let’s call him Bob) and I are in the same field, and in fact we used to be co-workers for 4 years. He was my go-to friend at work. You know the person that if you want to grab lunch with or go to the group meeting with. We never hang out outside of work. We went to each other’s weddings. I called Husband but he didn’t answer, so I called Bob and told him the bad news (Husband, Bob and another friend were the only people I told that I was interviewing for this job). Bob said what you would expect a good friend to say….oh that really sucks, don’t worry everything happens for a reason, etc. etc. I felt better after talking to him. Finally talked to husband about an hour later when he was available and he just seemed distracted, which I’m sure he was b/c I could hear his other line ringing in the background and he told me that he just got back from a meeting. It just made me irritated at HIM that my friend made me feel better than my own husband.

          So I think my original question was more like, should I be mad at my husband, rather than if I was doing something inappropriate! I hope this makes sense.

          If the situation was reversed, then I would try to do things to be a more active listening for my Husband!

          • JJ

            That doesn’t seem fair to your husband. You say he sounds distracted and it sounds like he probably is – if he’s at work, in between meetings, and his phone is ringing.

            Will you talk about it tonight with your husband? Have you told your husband that you need more from him in terms of emotional support? I’ve been married almost 10 years and together with my husband for 15, and I see him as my primary source of emotional support.

            In cases like this, I ‘d understand that he’s at work and unlikely able to drop everything and comfort me. But we’d talk about it tonight when we were home. And if I didn’t think he was supportive enough, I’d tell him why I thought so and what I needed from him. I actually have done that in the past, telling him that sometimes I venting and I don’t want him to try and think of solutions for me, sometimes I just want to vent.

          • Anon S

            Thanks for your thoughts JJ. I will talk to him about this tonight for sure. I suppose the problem is that I don’t know when “tonight” will be b/c he’s been working until 1am or so every night lately. Actually, perhaps that is the real issue, that we don’t spend enough time together or have enough quality time together due to his work schedule.

            Maybe I should start a separate thread on this – how to spend quality time together with your significant other when you both work long hours. Anyone reading this, would love to hear your thoughts. Previously we tried implementing 2 hours per weekend with no blackberries. It worked, and then we just kind of stopped doing it b/c I stopped initiating it (it was my idea). I got tired of being the one to initiate that all the time.

          • rosie

            I would be hurt if my spouse held it against me that I wasn’t available (emotionally or otherwise) during a normal work day to talk to him about something like not getting a job he had wanted. I would certainly expect that he would tell me about it when we were both home and free, and I would ask if he wanted to vent or if he wanted me to try to provide suggestions as to where-to-from-here. But no, I do not think you should be mad in this situation.

          • JJ

            Anon S, I could write a book on the topic of quality time. If you post in the Afternoon Thread (when we aren’t constrained to giant margins and tiny text and I have more time to respond), I will.

    • Wildkitten

      If I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone I’d want to make sure they were REALLY listening. Why not work on that communication issue now, so that it’s awesome for the next 50-80 years?

      • Anon S

        I agree! When I feel like he’s not listening, I tell him! He’s a second year associate at SUPER big law firm, billing well over 200 hours every month. I mention that just to show that he is admittedly extremely busy at work. I think we’re still working on finding a balance between big law and our personal lives. FWIW, I’m in big law as well but not as demanding as a practice as his.

    • Double-Bingo

      I think it’s not a problem if it’s limited to *certain situations*, and not across-the-board. I have a very good male friend from law school, and I usually find my discussions with him about job searching, professional networking, work situations, salary negotiations, etc. to be more engaged, thoughtful, and useful than those with DH. My friend is just better equipped to make me feel better about these topics because he’s also a lawyer. But for the most part, if I’m happy or sad or excited or scared, DH is the one I want to talk to.

      But if anyone other than your spouse, regardless of gender, is becoming your primary source of emotional support, that is worth examining further.

  26. TBK

    BFing question: My health insurance will buy me one of these pumps: Ameda Purely Yours, Hygeia Q, Madela Personal Double Pump. Everyone I know has the Madela Pump In Style so I have no idea about any of these. Has anyone used any of these and have any advice on which one to pick?

    • Diana Barry

      IME the Medela ones are best. You can go on their website and find out how it’s different from the PIS.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, Medela, even if it’s not the PISA. My insurance bought me a Ameda Purely Yours and that thing caused me more problems for weeks on end until someone suggested maybe my problem was the pump… I wouldn’t wish that on any mom trying to BF. Now I rent a Medela Symphony (hospital grade) for work and have a Medela PISA at home. I’m in a moms’ group of about 200, and dozens of them complain about the Purely Yours. No one complains about the Medela. Yes, it’s not a closed system and yes you’ll probably want to replace the tubing periodically (even running the pump after you finish to dry out the tubes doesn’t work 100%)… but so worth it.

          • Anonymous

            Nothing can get in the tubes. With the Medela, condensation or even milk can get in the tubes. Sounded gross to me but I got over it instantaneously once I realized how much better Medela pumps worked for me. Replacement tubing can be purchased in drugstores or online for about $10.

        • In House Lobbyist

          Just say no to the Hygeia. I got one from my insurance compnay and hated it. I had my friend’s 10 year old Medela and bought the Medela Freestyle. The Hygeia pumped half as much as the Medela. My sister got the Ameda and was much happier when I gave her my Medelas. I figure there is a reason that Medela has the market cornered -they work better. Good luck!

          • In House Lobbyist

            Also I used my flex spending account to buy my new Medela. I loved the Freestyle for traveling and pumping all over the place.

    • Anon

      From what I understand, this Medela pump is the same as the Pump-in-Style, it is just the bag and some of the “accessories” are different. The actual pump is the same though. I LOVED my Pump-in-Style (I pumped for a year each for 2 kids while working full time) and would go with the Medela one.

    • hellskitchen

      Medela. I got the Ameda from insurance and then ended up buying the Medela on my own. SO much better.

    • Hermione

      I had the Ameda Purely Yours and thought it was great. I particularly liked that it wasn’t built into a backpack or bag like the Medela PIS was at the time (not sure if it’s still this way). I could carry the pump and accessories in my normal work bag. One feature I also liked was the Purely Yours could be switched from a double pump to a single pump, which was useful for pumping one side while my daughter nursed on the other. I have a dim recollection that the Medela pump didn’t have that feature – but, again, it’s been six years so I could be off base.

      • Handywoman

        I had the Medela PIS and you can use it one-sided (or least least in 2008 vintage and newer).

        • Anonymous

          Yup, you can use it one-sided. You can also remove it from the bag, it doesn’t does look very pretty.

      • Samantha

        I had the Ameda Purely yours and loved it (too bad that the Anon above had problems with hers). Benefits: (1) closed system as mentioned above – more hygienic as the milk cant get into the non-removable-washable parts (2) cheaper and lighter – so it’s possible to have two machines – work,home – or to lug it back and forth if needed, (3) excellent customer service – if a part wears out or you need backup, you can call them and they’ll overnight you a replacement (4) can be battery operated for use in a car or restroom or airplane etc. My close friend used it with her two kids for over a year each and it lasted well, I used mine for a year also with no problems.

        • Samantha

          Forgot to mention that all parts are BPA free which is not the case with other pumps (though maybe that’s changed).

    • JJ

      Had my Medela through two kids so far and have loved it. No issues. One very nice thing is the prevalence and uniformity of Medela pieces. For example, if you were to go out of town and forget to bring a critical pump part, you can run out to the store and buy it (not that I speak from personal experience…).

    • Other

      I personally would consider renting a hospital grade for the first month or so. You really don’t know what your supply will do, and hospital grades tend to be more gentle/more efficient, which was really important to me during that first month especially (as things were rather tender/sore). For instance, I delivered at Va Hosp Center, and used the Medela Symphony in the hospital. I kept the parts they gave me in the hospital, and rented a Symphony through Northern Va Lactation for the first few months I was home. After I went back to work, I used a Medela Freestyle, but it took longer/wasn’t quite as comfortable for me. I’m due in October, and plan to repeat this process, assuming all goes well with nursing again.

      On your specific question, unfortunately, I don’t have any personal/anecdotal advice with those pumps – my friends were also on the Medela train.

    • Meg Murry

      I had a Medela PIS and it was fine – nothing special, but it worked. Our local LLL & WIC prefers the Hygeia b/c it has a filter to turn it into a closed system – meaning it’s safe to lend or resell to a friend, while the Medela is not. Basically the Hygeia is a generic Medela, from what I can tell, and many (although not all) of the parts are interchangeable.
      Also, Hygeia has a recycling/take back program, which I don’t think other companies do, if you care about that kind of thing.
      I used to hear good things about Ameda, but everything I’ve heard recently has been bad – I think they’ve had some design issues when redesigned to be go BPA free.

  27. recent grad

    Attention Boston ‘rettes – I am turning 30 (eek!), one of my sisters is turning 21, and the other sister is turning 23. We are going to plan a weekend in Boston at the end of March. On Saturday night, I’d like to figure out a nice cocktail lounge to go to – not a crazy club, but a place with a cool/hip/fun ambiance and where we won’t be out of place in dresses. Ideally, we will grab dinner close by so we can walk. I’d really appreciate any recommendations. I’ve been to Boston before, but I don’t know it well at all. Thanks!

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