Tuesday’s TPS Report: Short-Sleeved Bondage Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Short-Sleeved Bondage DressYes, the model looks like she’s about to willfully chew on her hair, and the dress is named “bondage dress,” but this is probably one of the top 5 dresses I’ve seen on the web lately that I’ve really liked. Love the scoopneck, the short sleeves, and those seaming details on the dress. It’s part of Zac Posen’s new collection at Lord & Taylor (Z Spoke Zac Posen) and it’s $199. Use promo code BEST to take 15% off regular and sale, though. Short-Sleeved Bondage Dress

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Comments

  1. Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

    I choked on my oatmeal when I saw the word bondage. Now that I’ve recovered from my near death experience, I really like the dress. Classic and covered with a little something extra. If I hadn’t just spent $2,200 on Barbri, I would definitely get this.

  2. After spending the weekend reading the “Fifty Shades” trilogy … I had to laugh at the mental picture the name of this dress gave me.

    • Anonymous :

      It was awfully written but strangely engrossing…

      • Thankfully it only took me about 24 hours to read all three. I had to find out what happened to Christian and Ana … and I was able to skip large sections as I went on since, really, how many scenes in the playroom did we really need after a while?

        • Anonymous :

          I did exactly the same skimming thing but replace the weekend with 3 weeknights. It undeniably skewed far into bad-Lifetime movie territory but I had gotten sucked in by that point and couldn’t just put it down.

    • I read all three on vacation. The whole thing bugged me. I can’t exactly say why. I suppose that we the readers were supposed to find Christian irresistible. Also, that a 22 year old knockout had zero sexual experience.

      • And can’t manage to use grown up words for her lady parts?

        • really? did she call it her pee-pee, or her “front butt” as my daughter used to? :)

          • That made me giggle – thanks for the cute laugh, mamabear.

          • Front butt. Your daughter WINS.

          • Oh man. I was raised by a sex ed teacher, and so I was that terrifying kindergartner who was always telling other kids, “It’s not called a PEE PEE, it’s called a V*GINA.”

          • @cbackson – me too. Also, my mom was the school nurse and she literally taught my sex ed class in 6th grade. I wanted to die.

          • You know, that was my issue – it’s not a v*gina either, the part we can see. It’s a vulva, but you never hear anyone insisting on that terminology. So when my 3 year old came up with front butt, I was fine with it.

          • No…I think she just used “down there”.

          • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler :

            Is it bad that this conversation made me think of Kindergarten Cop where the kid goes “Boys have a p*nis, girls have a v*agina.”

          • Always a NYer :

            In regards to Kindergarten Cop, my mind went to when the kid says, “My daddy looks at v*ginas all day,” and Arnold looks like he’s going to stroke out only for the kid to add, “He’s a gynocologist.”

          • My daughter did this too! Actually she called the front her “butt” and her rear her “bum”. Don’t ask me how she came up with that.

      • I find it embarassing that people are that into it. A guy asked me if I had read it the other day and I was get the f out of here you creepo. But my facebook is just blowing up with people like “oh my god cant get enough”

      • Mamabear, I’m going to threadjack your comment. Forgetting the book completely because I think they’re poorly written and unrealistic, what about the 22 year old having zero sexual experience was weird?

        • I had the same question.

          • Not even self-exploration? Really?

          • Hahaha, I think mamabear has to remember where she lives! (No offense meant mamabear, I’m in the bay myself) :-) However, there is a day every year designated as mast*rb*tion day, not to mention pride, bay to breakers, etc etc etc…it’s impossible to get to 22 and not have some sort of experience, even just with self exploration. Now, where I grew up, if you made it to 22 without being pregnant…you probably still call it a wee wee and think babies come from storks. (heck, if you made it to 16, which was sadly a surprise birthday present to some of my peers.)

          • LOL @ CA Atty. Also true where I grew up (Central Valley)

          • @mamabear: North central valley, actually, probably the northEST central valley, Redding!

    • Read it when it was Twilight fanfic, and free. Disliked it then. Would probably dislike it more now.

      • Haven’t read it. Don’t have an opinion on it other than 1) I think people are in to it because it’s “acceptable,” whereas other things, potentially better things, in that genre are not talked about and thus no one would post to FB yay or nay; and 2) I think I would have read it out of curiousity if nothing else, but the fact that it’s Twilight fan fic really threw a cold rag on that plan. Not that I even read Twilight and/or have any knowledge of those characters beyond there apparently being a team Edward and team other guy, but something about the whole idea just seems so stupid to me.

  3. Early TJ- is the J.Crew Blouson Dress in navy tripe work appropriate if worn with a schoolboy blazer? Or a cardigan? Office is between business casual and business formal, but never suits. I don’t ever wear dresses and am trying to venture out, but am unsure if it is too drapey and I should be only wearing sheath type styles to the office? My usual attire is dress pants + top or pencil skirt + top and it’s getting a bit boring. link to follow.

    • this reads a little beach cover up or sunday brunch to me, so i definitely wouldn’t wear it to the office. if it had sleeves, i’d probably feel differently (regardless of the fact that you intend to cover up with a blazer or cardigan). chances are whether this works for you depends on your body type. if you’re shaped anything like the model you’d look super cute. if i wore it to work, it would be indecent.

    • It’s a cute dress, but I wouldn’t wear it to work. I think the main problem is the spaghetti straps. Even if you wear something over it, it just gives the dress a different hang and vibe, and esp. with a cardigan, will still peek out.

      And not to single out a typo because I certainly make many, but between the “bondage” dress and the idea of a color called “navy tripe,” nothing is turning out as pictured for me this morning ;)

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I’ve worn it to work (in the orange color) with a white cardigan. If you keep the spaghetti straps hidden it’s been perfectly appropriate, but my (East Coast) office is much more casual than many people’s here.

      I will say the picture makes it look WAY more beachy/slouchy than it actually does look on me. I sized down a bit and find its fairly slim fitting.

    • People would wear this in my office, but it’s definitely a dress where you could not take off your cardigan even if you were dying of heat stroke. For that reason, I never wear spaghetti strap/low back dresses or tops to work. You never know when the conference room AC is going to break or when there’s going to be a mid-August fire drill and you’ll be standing on the street with your boss in 90 degree heat.

      I wouldn’t wear it with a blazer because it’s too casual and would look off with a blazer. But with a cardigan I think it’s fine for offices that lean casual.

    • Thanks for all the responses! I am actually shocked everyone said it looks like a beach cover up, I guess you would have to see it IRL, but I don’t think it could ever pass for a beach over up. Now I’m torn!

      The long sleeve one is way too short for me to wear at my office, and I would get too hot in the 95 degree summer weather, though I agree it is cuter. I liked this dress so much because I can take off the blazer for my commute, but not freeze during work in my 65 degree (or less, some days) office, and I can also wear it in real life (as oppose to fake work life)styled differently.

      I guess I’ll have to try it on again and think about it some more.

      • I have this dress and think I might size down if I keep it, so if you’re smallish on top, I’d suggest you do the same. I have a J.Crew jacket from a few years ago that looks really good with it – it could probably work for a non-conservative office styled like that, assuming that it is long enough for you. The jacket isn’t a blazer (sorry, I don’t know enough about jackets to describe them – it’s single-breasted and has a round collar). I’d be hesitant to wear it with a cardigan to work because I think the entire look would be a little too unstructured.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        The dress looks different IRL from how they style and show it on JCrew.com. I wouldn’t ever wear it to the beach, if that helps! However, size down so it is not quite so blousy.

  4. Gosh, that is an unfortunate name for such a classy dress.

    Ladies, I’m looking for recommendations for hair products to make my naturally straight hair shinier. I tried a gloss at the salon, but it didn’t last long enough. So what kind of shampoo/conditioner/other product do y’all use that has made a difference? Thanks!

  5. I just want to thank Kat for presenting views on what/what not to wear in such a non-mean/holier than thou way. I’ve been a caphillstyle reader, but might drop it based on Belle’s tone lately. I think someone mentioned reactions to a wedding post yesterday – got the chance to skim, and I quote, “I attended a wedding last year at country club and nearly laughed myself into a stupor as I watched dozens of women aerate the lawn with their stilettos.” – no need for that kind of attitude even if the wedding were at a local park, much less a COUNTRY CLUB. (End rant.)

    On topic, I had an April Fools double take at the name of this dress. But if it hangs away from the body as shown, looks promising! And perfect for days when you’re taking a sweater on and off all the time – no worries about bare shoulders.

    • DC Darling :

      I read a “how dare you wear something comfortable while traveling or in airports” article on caphillstyle that was much the same. Suffice it to say I no longer subscribe.

      • MissJackson :

        I just hate-read this article (yes, I know, loving to hate is not one of my finer qualities). Yikes.

        • Me too. Yowch. And um, I’ve been on a lot of planes, but haven’t seen many people forgoing personal hygiene to show up “unwashed.” Like others, I like the clothes and outfits she posts, but every time I read it I can hear her sneering down her nose at everyone who doesn’t look or dress exactly like she thinks they should.

      • Yes, this from a woman who’s admittedly never left the United States. She’s probably never spent more than 4 hours traveling!

      • There’s a difference between wearing a Juicy Couture sweatsuit on a plane (which I’m not a fan of) and choosing to change into jeans from a suit (which I often do). Oh and if it’s international, I’m wearing yoga pants. Period.

    • Plus, there are things you can attach to the bottom of your heels to avoid going into grass. Why not just suggest those? Though, I think flats or wedges at a wedding are smart anyway because of the dancing (oh my feet hurt just thinking about it) — but why not problem solve!

    • Not to mention, I’ve attended many country club weddings where we never set foot in grass. Everything was indoors or on an outdoor patio/terrace with a hard surface.

      • to pile onto my own rant, totally agree – I have been to a few country club weddings and the closest I ever got to a lawn was looking over the golf course from a balcony. If you’re going to be that judgmental, at least pick a better example!

    • Ha, that was me who linked to the wedding post. I really think CHS has become a parody of itself. And the comments are stupefying.

    • I feel the exact same way. I love a lot of her outfit ideas, but the tone is too judgmental so I unsubscribed. No one is *obliged* to look a certain way, you know.

    • Funniest thing about that WHOLE post. The dress she recommended for the “formal” black-tie wedding was such a pale blush pink that I could see it being a wedding dress for a bride at her second wedding (or for any bride who didn’t want to wear white for that matter.) For someone who is so stuck on the “rules” of no white at a wedding EVA, her dress was certainly skirting the rules.

    • I agree. The tone has gotten so depressed/ pessimistic that its no longer a fun blog to read. Its a confused blog – is it personal or a lifestyle blog? I used to really find the lifestyle aspect very helpful, but increasingly I now get the impression its just out there to promote a lemming agenda. I also live in DC and am just so ready to leave (so it may be a colored view).

    • Amelia Bedelia :

      awww, I love that blog! I don’t read for the comments like I do here; there is nothing like the corporette community. But I do read for the outfit advice and product reviews. And honestly, Belle’s snarky tone appeals to me. Perhaps I am too inwardly catty? But I must admit I have thought many of the things she has written! I’m just too chicken (or polite?) to ever say them aloud . . .

      • Merabella :

        Ditto. I never read the comments on CHS. I usually love her outfits, and I have never felt like she says anything too out of left field. I also only take her views as suggestions, not a rule book I must follow always.

        • MissJackson :

          The comments are where things tend to go especially bad at CHS. If I could stop myself from reading them, I might not be quite as bothered by the site itself. It is Belle’s response to any questioning/dissent that is really my issue. She gets so defensive. Rather than agreeing that reasonable people could disagree, she responds to individual posts to tell them that they are wrong.

          Anyway, Belle can run her blog however she wants to, and I can go elsewhere if I don’t like it. But I don’t like it :)

  6. I have been using Moroccan Oil Treatment with a lot of success! It makes my hair very soft and shiny. A little goes a long way!

    • Sorry – this was for b23 for hair treatment recommendations!

    • MaggieLizer :

      Second Moroccan Oil. When my hair is really dry and brittle, mostly in the winter, I use their shampoo. They have two oils you can apply before you dry your hair – one you drip into your hands and run through your hair like mousse and the other is a spray. I have very very fine hair (my hair dresser calls it spider webs) and the spray works better for me; it gives my hair some shine and life without weighing it down. The other is too heavy and makes my hair look greasy, but it might work better for those with thicker hair.

  7. Apologies for the early TJ, but this has been keeping me up at night.

    Does anyone here have experience with a friend or relative who might have an eating disorder? My mid-twenties sister was diagnosed with adult ADD and has been on Adderall for a few years. She is noticeably thinner, and has said all along that this is because Adderall acts as an appetite suppressant. I have long-defended her to friends and family who are concerned about her weight. However, she recently had a fainting incident and what’s weird to me is how she’s acting about it — just trying to brush it under the rug, like it was no big deal. But she fainted! And it’s not like this is common in our family or anything. So of course it made me wonder a bit.

    I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me, either, but I’ve started to look back at some of her behaviors and they’ve struck me as…odd. She flat-out refuses to cook food — always makes her boyfriend or a family member cook for her. She is very particular about what she eats, how much she eats…all of which are behaviors developed in the last couple of years. I’m not having a full-blown panic attack about this or anything, but I’m definitely concerned.

    We have a pretty crazy family structure and I’m not sure I’m close enough to her to have an impact by saying/doing anything about this, but she might listen to my husband if he expressed concern (it’s a long shot, though). Any advice for discerning whether this is an actual problem or just an overworried big sis?

    • This happened to my roommate in college. She lost 20 lbs (from 120 lbs to 100, and she’s almost 5’6”) and fainted a few times in our dorm room or the shower. She was taking adderall at the time for pretty severe ADD. She eventually switched to another medicine and her weight regulated. So, based on that I would say it IS possible that it has nothing to do with an eating disorder and it’s just the reaction from the adderall. I would talk to her or have your husband talk to her and say something like hey, I know that adderall is a pretty strong medicine and maybe if you switched to a different medicine you would get a little bit of your appetite back, and that way we wouldn’t have to worry about you fainting and hitting your head when no one is around.

      • This. Although, I think the special conditions around food would have made me curious at least, if not worried. If I were you I’d try to ask, casually, why she won’t cook. Might be an eating disorder or some features of it, or obsessionality.

    • If you have access to an EAP line, give them a call. I used mine once when I suspected a coworker was cutting and they were very helpful in terms of telling me what to look for, and what I should and shouldn’t do.

      • Second this. Or some other help line with professionals. It’s a really delicate, tough situation. Providing support and help for someone with an eating disorder is extremely important, but on the flip side: my friend initially lost a lot of weight from Adderall, and it was very difficult time for her because she was constantly having to convince well-meaning close friends and relatives that she didn’t have an eating disorder. It was out of love and concern for her, but it seems like they way overstepped their boundaries and caused her a lot of stress. Knowing her well and having observed her eating habits etc. (which seem quite different from what you’re describing, however), I really don’t think she had one or ever did.

    • Don’t have experience with eating disorders to know exactly what to do but it does sound worth bringing to her attention. Maybe it’s the Adderall, maybe not. But if you’re concerned, I would look into it.

      FWIW on the fainting… I fainted at work one time. Everyone freaked. The doctor told me I had perfectly described fainting in a healthy person (I told him I had felt it coming on and was trying to fight it but eventually everything just went black) and that sometimes it just happens for unexplained reasons. Maybe I hadn’t eaten enough for breakfast, maybe my boots were too tight, etc. He said if it didn’t happen again, there was really no need to worry at all. (It didn’t happen again). So if it’s a one time thing, it might not be a big deal. But if it happens more than once…

    • No real advice. But I have an 18-yr old sister with an ED and it is a heart-breaking disease. Part of the disease is denial about the disease. My sister is currently undergoing treatment, but it’s a very slow process. The longer it’s been going on for, the more difficult to treat. I think the only reason my family was able to get my sister into treatment was because my parents have the power of the purse over her. I know that’s not much help to you, but I do empathize. It’s horrible to watch someone you love helpless under the power of mental illness. Your gut is likely correct.

    • I don’t have any experience with somone on Adderall so I am not sure if it causes weight loss. I had a college friend who was suffering from anorexia and bulimia. Very severe case. It is very hard to talk to someone who is suffering from an eating disorder because she will often deny that she has a problem. I would try to be there for her and if you think it would be helpful, I would ask your husband to express his concern. I think in college enough of us were telling our friend that she needed help that she decided to get treatment.

    • Just wanted to say that the Adderall definitely could be contributing. My 9yo ds is on Vyvanse, which (I believe) is a newer form of Adderall. He is a very skinny kid (Old Navy skinny jeans are baggy on him) and the appetite suppression side effect is something we are concerned about with him, especially since he’s a picky eater to begin with. We’ve had to have many talks with him about how food is fuel, and that he needs to make sure he eats even if he doesn’t really feel like it. His dr has been tracking his weight, and so far his weight is increasing in a similar curve as his height (one way above average, one way below) and we’ve been watching his energy levels, which seem to be pretty normal. I’m sure if we weren’t keeping an eye on him so close he’d become almost skeletal.

      Anyway, my point is, since your sister is an adult she probably doesn’t have anyone reminding her that food is fuel, and that sometimes you have to eat even if you don’t really feel like it. I think calling your EAP or talking to some other professional, and then talking to your sis in a concerned, non-accusatory way would be a good idea.

      • I strongly suspect it is actually related to the Adderall. She should talk to her doctor about switching the strength, or switching to a different type of release, or switching to another brand altogether. There are other medications that serve the same function that do not suppress someone’s appetite so severely.

      • Divaliscious11 :

        CKB-

        My oldest was on Adderall (we recently took him off) and is now eating us out of house and home. But while he was on, we helped caloric intake with protein shakes. It doesn’t “feel” like food, but it does get calories and protein in him. We made with whole milk, protein mix, and sometimes a table spoon of whole fat Greek yogurt. He had one with breakfast, and as an afternoon snack with homework.

    • I have an extended family member (but whom I have been close to since childhood) who has had an eating disorder since adolescence. It’s extremely difficult and heartbreaking. As other commentors have mentioned, part of the disease is that the person suffering from it is in denial and can’t talk about it rationally. I don’t know what we would have done if she hadn’t been a minor at the time, since she never would have sought out help if her parents hadn’t been able to make her do so.

      Some of the things in your post strike me more as red flags than others. The control issues with food are definitely one. On the other hand, in my experience people with eating disorders tend to be much more picky about preparing their own food rather than letting others prepare it for them. I would have your husband talk to her and gently feel her out. If she gets very defensive/irrational or tries to claim in any way that her new weight is somehow “better” or “healthier” than her old weight, then I would be concerned. At that point, get in touch with someone — maybe one of the hotlines, or maybe a center in your area that specializes in eating disorders (the Emily Program is particularly good, I’ve heard) — and try to figure out what the best options are for helping an adult who may not want to be helped.

      That being said, I am totally healthy and have fainted on occasion, and it doesn’t run in my family either. It’s embarrassing and I wouldn’t want to talk about it and make a big deal of it either! So I wouldn’t read to much into that particular incident in and of itself.

    • In my [albeit limited] experience, sometimes when a person loses weight for a legitimate or non-eating disorder reason (medication, break-up, etc) and gets attention for that weight-loss, they sometimes want to continue that attention. They are already accustomed to eating less because of whatever lead to the weight loss in the first place and it becomes easier and easier to adopt/maintain habits that lead to further weight-loss. Not to contribute to your panic, but I think something like this could turn into a full-blown eating disorder, at the least, an unhealthy relationship with food where eating = less attention / not eating = more attention.

    • anon for this :

      What do you do if you’re almost certain that you have a problem, but won’t seek treatment because you know the doctor will make you gain weight? I’m almost certain my eating habits aren’t normal. But going to a doctor and having my weight monitored until I gain some seems like the worst thing in the world right now.

      I know you guys aren’t a support group for this and I possibly need help beyond an anonymous internet forum, but just wondering if anyone who’s been in a similar situation can speak to this.

      • If you are feeling this way then there probably won’t be a time when you will WANT to go to the doctor. Maybe going to a nutritionist or therapist to talk about it might be a good first step.

      • anon for this, you are so brave for taking the step to admit something is wrong, and reach out for help. If you don’t want to speak to your doctor, which I can completely understand not being ready for–please talk to someone. This is the number for a help line: 1-800-931-2237.

        I know how absolutely, mind-numbingly terrifying it is to think about gaining weight. Believe me, I know. My heart is breaking for you. I can’t give you a fix, but since you asked, I’ll share what got me over my disordered eating. It wasn’t someone talking at me, it wasn’t my doctor showing me height/weight charts, it wasn’t my hair falling out–it was just that I was so, so tired of hating myself for every bite of food that I took. I was tired of denying myself nutrition that my body was screaming for. I was tired of feeling so weak, so lethargic, and yet having a compulsion to keep exercising, so that every run I went on was a struggle to keep going. I was tired of taking my hatred of myself out on the people around me.

      • Totally second the nutritionist recommendation. And possibly a therapist too. I was once on the verge of an eating disorder — like I would read the quizzes in women’s magazines, and if 7 out of 10 “yes” answers was an eating disorder, I would have at least 5 “yes” answers. I got into therapy about it, and she told me to see a nutritionist, and it was life changing. The nutrionist convinced me that I DO need fat, and it’s OK to eat ice cream, and I probably needed to eat more than I was eating at the time. And the therapist convinced me that I needed to take days off from the gym because it was good for my body.

      • Getting weighed was and is a trigger for my ED. What worked for me (and I am in recession and work hard to stay there) is focusing on a balanced diet of foods I like, and also getting regular physicals so I know my blood levels are all where they should be. Other than that, my focus is not on amounts of food or calories or anything else.

        YMMV.

        • anon at 10:01 :

          Thank you to those of you who shared your struggles with ED. I wrote earlier about my sister. It’s really good to hear from people who are experiencing some success in fighting the disease. I hope you each stay strong and successful in your struggle.

      • I was anorexic for 12 years. I completely understand the fear you’re describing. But so will any competent professional who deals with EDs. They’re not going to jump straight in to making you gain weight, because they know that represents a frightening loss of control. Unless your health is in immediate danger, they’ll work with you to get you to a point where that process is something that you’re emotionally capable of taking on.

        I know it’s very hard to imagine, but it is possible to get to a point where this behavior is no longer a part of your life and your relationship with food is not so fraught. It took a lot of work, but I’m completely recovered, with a better relationship to eating and my body than most women that I know. There is a way out of this.

      • Your post brought tears to my eyes. I think approaching it from the mental end (therapy) rather than the physical end (eating more or differently) would be your best bet. As long as you are not in immediate physical danger than addressing these issues doesn’t need to be an emergency. If you are thinking about these issues, its definitely worthwhile to explore them with a professional. A nutritionist may be too scary because he or she may focus only on eating rather than the emotional stuff, which is where the real change needs to be explored.

        Hang in there. You are worth exploring this issue and figuring out where you stand. It takes real bravery to float an issue like this, even in an anonymous internet forum. I hope you realize that this community is here for you, whatever that looks like.

      • As a recovered bulimic and someone who has skipped doctor’s appointments because I don’t want to be weighed, I suggest that you seek therapy. I’ve never seen a therapist with a scale in her office, and a therapist won’t focus on your weight but rather on the emotional issues that have led you to have disordered eating habits. If you go to the website Psychology Today, you can search for a therapist in your area who specializes in eating disorder treatment and accepts your insurance.

        Also, PSA to doctors: really, stop weighing people every damn time they go to your office. It doesn’t provide any information that you need, and it’s a major reason for women refusing to go to the doctor.

        • I close my eyes when they put me on the scale. It’s a trigger for me, and I’m healthy as crap anyway, so there is no possible reason why I should know what I weigh.

        • Seattleite :

          I asked the MA once, “Do I have to be weighed?” and she looked at me in surprise and said, “No, of course not.” I haven’t weighed myself at the doctor since.

        • Fun story: I used to go to a doctor’s office that had the scale IN THE WAITING ROOM, and asked you to weigh yourself in front of everyone and write it down for the doctor. I didn’t do it, explained that I had a history of EDs and that, you know, weighing yourself in front of everyone might not be comfortable for a lot of people. The NP looked at me like I was crazy and then said, in a guilt-inducing tone, “Well, we really need you to do it from now on.”

          Virginia Mason capitol hill women’s health department, that’s why I quit you.

          • That is crazy. At my OB-GYNs, you’re asked to get on the scale backwards, and the MA just writes it down without telling you. I think that’s a good compromise, especially since weight gain is an issue to be thought about through the pregnancy process (one situation where numbers may actually matter).

    • Hm. Adderall is definitely an appetite suppressant; I know people in college who took it specifically for that purpose. As far as the fainting goes, I had an eating disorder, and although the world went fuzzy a few times, I never flat-out fainted. Not sure that’s a marker.

      On to the food-control, which is definitely more worrisome than either losing weight while on Adderall or the fainting, IMO. It is also way, way, way harder to bring up. I third the recommendations to call a helpline for specific suggestions and things to look out for; but at the same time, there’s no guarantee that she will listen if you or your husband does bring it up. You can’t make her care or change her behavior.

    • ChocCityB&R :

      I’ve struggled with an ED and I know how difficult it can be for friends and family to deal with. I have no good advice. I drove my loved ones crazy, but eventually I got better. I wish there was a simple answer, but everyone is so different. I wish you and your sister the best.

    • Thanks so much, all of you, for your kindness and comments. I will be taking this good advice to heart.

    • My husband takes Adderall for pretty severe ADD, and it can lead to rapid weight loss. Adderall is an appetite suppressant, and it can lead him to just not feel like eating or to forget to eat. A few years ago, my husband was working 80+ hours per week and supplementing the 12-hour extended releases with short doses, and he lost 40 pounds in 3 months. This ended with some health problems that almost required a trip to the ER and made him take a week off from work, so it can be dangerous even if it’s not an eating disorder.

      What’s been important for my husband is to establish a routine for eating around taking the medication. He won’t take the medication on an empty stomach and will try to take it early enough that he’s hungry for dinner by the time he goes off it. This seems obvious, but for someone with ADD, it can be really hard to establish routines, have the right food on hand, remember to take medication at a certain time, and squeeze in a meal before a second does (if needed).

      So, while I’m not discounting the possibility of your sister having an eating disorder (other commenters seem to have more experience with that), there may be some medication management issues instead or in addition. Rapid weight loss and fainting are both signs that something is wrong and should be taken seriously, whatever the cause is.

      • This. While it suppresses my appetite, if I don’t eat, I will suddenly feel like crap. I make sure I eat lunch daily and dinner w/ my husband at night. Often I eat less than him but I still eat.

        I try to have super delicious snacks on hand too so I can do some mindless munching. I like dry sweet cereal or tortilla chips.

        Do you mind me asking what doses your husband (or others) are on? My doc just increased my dose and said it is actually still a low dose. However, a friend who works with drug abusers (rehabilitating them, not coworkers) said I’m on a pretty high dose. Not sure what to believe.

        • I think my husband has a 20mg, 12-hour, extended release of Adderall or a generic version of Adderall. He also has a short dose of Ritalin that he can take if he only needs a few hours of productivity that day. As far as I know, he does not follow the 12-hour with a short dose anymore, since that’s part of what led to a lot of the health problems.

    • Anonymouse :

      I have no insight about Adderall or eating disorders, but when I was younger, a couple of times I fainted during my period, and I would sometimes feel weak and lightheaded. I usually attributed it to not eating enough (nausea and cramps are a pretty effective appetite suppressant). When I told my doctor, she said it was probably dehydration, not lack of food, and that’s probably why it only happened on my period. I made more of an effort to stay hydrated after that and those feelings went away. So if your sister isn’t eating a lot, and isn’t taking in a lot of water to compensate ( since lots of foods include fluids), that might be one explanation to consider, although I agree with everyone who is recommending professional consultation of some kind.

  8. I got a $1500 bonus out of the blue (!!!) yesterday in recognition of my efforts on a special project at work. There was a brief note from the VP who it came from with it, although my boss was the one who actually gave it to me.

    So two questions for the hive:
    1) How to thank the VP – e-mail or handwritten note? Also the only notecards I had at home aren’t super professional, floral cards with polka dot envelopes.
    2) I’d like to take a couple hundred to buy something purely fun for myself but would like it to be something that I’d gets some use out of for a while like a piece of jewelry or a watch. Any ideas of what to get and/or where I could find a good deal?

    • Personally, I’d buy a new handbag. But maybe that’s because that’s been on my mind a bit lately. If I had a year-round bag I liked, I would buy something really fun for summer – maybe a bright purse, maybe just one’s that’s lightcolored.
      In the alternative, I would get some earrings or other jewelry as a momento.

      As for a good deal, there have been some amazing sales on Saks Fashion Fix lately, you have to check often because it all moves quickly but some really great sales have popped up. For jewelry, I think it’s trickier to advise on good deals because depending where you, what you’re looking for, etc… but if you’re into “branded” jewelry like David Yurman, Stephen Dweck, John Hardy and the like, they always have a bunch on sale at NM Last Call stores. Sometimes for pretty steep discounts.

      Congrats on the bonus and a job well done.

    • 1) I’m not sure about thanking the VP, could you ask your VP if this is appropriate (i.e. it is kind of a part of compensation — but on the other hand he/she took time to write you a personal note so I’m not sure.)

      2) If I had a few hundred extra bucks to spend on accessories that I wanted to get some real work wear out of, I’d get a matching set of earrings and necklace something classic, like pearls, or black pearls, or turquoise, or silver or something else that would coordinate well with your wardrobe. I don’t wear watches though, so I’m biased against them.

    • 1. I would write a handwritten note. Go buy some professional notecards. You’ll end up using them more than you think.

      2. Definitely jewelry! I bought myself a black and white diamond pendant before Christmas (trading in jewelry from ex-H) and I find myself wearing it a lot. It goes with everything.

    • Yes to the note. I think an email would be fine, with a CC to your boss so it appears that you are keeping her “in the loop”.

    • Hmm, I got an unexpected $750 this week and am thinking maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to buy a pair of shoes I’ve had my eye on….

      • I would go handwritten note on this one because of the extra step they took to recognize you. You can run out and grab some professional note cards (no polka dots and flowers) and maybe use a little tiny bit of your bonus to get some stationary for future occasions? Congratulations!!

    • Congratulations!!! I love hearing about women kicking booty in engineering. I vote for watch and/or jewelry. I would suggest a lot of window shopping and test runs before you commit – you can like something online or in a window and realize that it doesn’t really look amazing on you or the links are weird and keep snagging on your hair/clothes, etc. Go for quality – stainless steel, platinum, 14k+ gold, titanium, etc.

      When I paid off all my debts and had savings built up, I bought a watch and two rings as my grown-up adult present to myself. Every time I look at them, I feel so satisfied that I earned the money and rewarded myself with something so perfect for me. Enjoy the hunt!

    • Thanks for the ideas above and below, ladies! I think I’ll run out at lunch to get some more classic notecards and write the VP a brief note.

      I finally broke down and got my first “grown up” handbag (i.e. not $30 from Target) a couple weeks ago, otherwise I would have used it for that! Thanks for the tip about Saks Fashion Fix – hadn’t heard of that site before. I’m looking forward to doing some fun searching for jewelry or a watch!

    • Congrats. Get yourself something classic that you’ll wear a lot. If you wear rings, I wear this one almost every day: http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=GRP00011&mcat=&cid=&search_params=s+1-p+2-c+-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+mesh+ring&search=1
      For watches, see if there’s a movado outlet near you.

    • Crane’s plain cream foldover note cards. Buy two boxes: one to keep at home, and one to keep at the office. You will use them all the time. My favorite stationery etiquette book is the Crane’s Blue Book.

    • I guess I’m different than some of the ladies on here, but if I had a few hundred extra bucks, I’d take a weekend in a cabin or at a luxury hotel or something. Or a day at the spa with *all* the treatments (including the ones I can never afford).

      But yes, second the suggestion to get yourself some legit grown-up notecards. Get Crane or Papyrus or whatever if you want classy, but a look at Hallmark or Target will also yield some elegant ones. Personally, I like blank cards with local art that I pick up at giftshops around town.

  9. looks like you could wear that dress ANYwhere!!!

  10. Trying to be learned :

    I wanted to thank everyone for their lovely, lovely comments yesterday. I have been feeling so alone, and it was amazing to realize that there was a big group of professional, accomplished women who were willing to support and advise a total stranger.

    Thank you so much to everyone who commented, I am so, so grateful.

    • There’s room for all types in this world, so we’re hoping you’ll succeed a lot (and have a darn good time) as your career progresses! Keep us posted, dearie.

    • TX lawyer :

      Thanks for posting today. Your story really struck a chord with me yesterday. I hope you find your niche soon; I think you would be surprised how many of us are lonely and feeling out of place at work (even those with smooth hair that glide easily in high heels!).

  11. Any advice on how to motivate DH to get in shape? He’s a bit overweight and out of shape for his age and I’m very slim although would love to be more fit. I’ve recently started working out and have been hooked but cant seem to motivate DH. Its not really about shedding the pounds, but more of being healthier.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      We’re going into springtime and summertime which is the perfect time to suggest doing outdoor active activities together. Much easier than nagging someone to join a gym – go for a pretty bike ride together down a nice path in your area, take a long walk somewhere and “race” him a couple times, join a couple’s sports league (dodgeball is pretty popular in my area).

      Unless you are seriously concerned, ie, he is morbidly obese and refuses to do anything about it and it’s imperative you guys have a serious conversation, I would try and be sensitive and start doing more active things as a couple — rather than going to the movies, take a nice walk to the park then grab some fro yo at one of those low fat good-for-you places, go rollerblading together, etc.

    • This may be inappropriate but can’t you use s*x as an incentive? I’m not talking outright saying that, more like new things to try that would be much better if you exercised together only to get an even better workout in bed afterwards ;)

    • My BF and I have a weekly bet. If one of us doesn’t get in our 4 workouts a week, minimum, the other gets to give them a hickey.

    • Leslie Knope :

      My boyfriend got a talking-to from his doctor about his triglyceride levels, which made him knuckle down and drop 30 pounds in about 2.5 months (including the holidays!). He was totally resistant to my attempts to get him to go for walks with me, etc., before that. Any way you could enlist a professional?

    • I posted yesterday about a weight loss/fitness competition DH and I are having for the 30 days before Memorial Day. I am slim but could be in better shape, and DH has really packed on some pounds over the last two years. I have been trying to motivate him to work out for about a year with no success, but when I suggested the Memorial Day challenge, he was all about it. I can’t say how things will turn out, but if your personalities are right for it, a competition might be the way to go!

    • Maybe encourage him to get to a doctor for his annual exam and see what comes of that, then frame any improvements needed as a family issue. My husband does not do well with gentle reminders, and I don’t want to nag. He is not overweight — grr, jealousy-inducing metabolism — but he is starting to have some health problems due to his eating and (non)exercise habits. What has influenced him has been going in for his annual physical exams and having the doctor tell him that his cholesterol and liver fat levels were unacceptable for a man of his age. I used that opening to have one serious conversation with him about how important his health is to our family and how much we needed him to stay healthy and not die and leave me a widow at age 40. That put a fear in him that my “little hints” never would, and he has started slowly but surely making changes on his own. He always says he is doing it “for the family” and is really proud of his baby steps. When I want to try a new healthy recipe or take him on a walk with me or turn down cheesesteaks for dinner, I tell him we’re doing it “for the family” in a half-joking way, and he is pretty responsive.

    • Most people who don’t exercise don’t exercise because they don’t enjoy exercising. But almost everyone had some physical activity that they loved as a kid/young person and would still love if they had the opportunity to do it again. Probably the idea of going to the gym sounds totally dull to him. Instead, you guys could sign up for a team sport like softball or ultimate frisbee, go hiking twice a month, get bikes and go on regular leisure rides, take a dance class together, or something like that.

    • This can be a tough one, depending on your dh. I was concerned about my dh, but he’s the type that it has to be HIS idea or he won’t commit, and will dig in his heels and is unreasonably stubborn about it.

      So, when I decided to lose the last of my baby weight a few years ago I just did it. I started the C25K, started eating healthier, etc. Didn’t make a big deal out of it, hardly talked about it, but when I started making real progress I’d mention it (yay! I’m down 10 lbs) and when I finally finished the C25K I was really proud of myself, and talked about it, I know.

      Anyway, a year or so after reaching my goal weight & maintaining it, dh decided out of the blue that he was going to join Sparkpeople too and started the C25K himself, talked about following my example. He lost 30 lbs, with me being only mildly encouraging (because I didn’t want to trigger his stubborn streak). It had to be 100% his idea & his motivation or I knew he wouldn’t stick to it. And for him it was also more about being healthier than about loosing weight (although he did have a goal of getting his waist/hip ratio out of the danger zone). Our boys were getting bigger & more active, and dh wanted to make sure he could keep up and that he would be around for a long time. The running also helps a huge amount with his depression, which is an added side effect. Last year we took up hiking as a family, and plan on doing more this year. Next year, when my youngest will have the training wheels off his bike, we plan on doing some biking as a family too.

      Not sure if you need to take this type of approach with your dh, but it worked for mine. The whole competition between spouses thing would SO not fly in our house!

      • This is kind of how my husband is. I tried doing the competitive thing and being all “WE” about our health and fitness to no avail. My husband goes through periods of working out hard, losing 20 lbs, slowly putting it back on, taking it off, etc. He basically has to get to the point himself that he feels like dealing with it.

      • I have to say, I’m the stubborn type like your husband. My family nagged me for years about losing weight (to the point of giving me diet cookbooks for Christmas, “skinny b*tch” etc…) and I resisted resisted resisted. I had to decide to do it for myself. I don’t know for sure, but I think also it helped when I was having a conversation with my SO and I had brought up that my goal for 2012 was to lose weight and he said he was just so surprised with my personality and competitiveness that I had ever gained weight. At first that kind of stung, you know “what’s he trying to say!?” But I thought about it and he’s right! How did I let this happen? I’m athletic and stubborn and focused, I think my stubbornness about “my family canNOT make me go on a diet” out-stubborned me knowing what was good for me and wanting to continue in my active lifestyle. :-)

        • Nony Makeover :

          I’m the same way. I will not talk about weight loss with my family (despite their numerous attempts to do so). I don’t care if it’s “you need to lose weight”, or “yay – you look amazing”, I dislike both equally after years of long talks with them. I’m more succesful when it comes from and is for me.

        • Anonymous NYer :

          haha I think this mentality is totally me too. Whenever someone made a comment (mom or dad – still living at home for the moment, and don’t have an SO), I would dig my heels in farther and just lay in bed all depressed/stubborn/spiteful/insulted. But when I started running on my own I would actually hide it from my parents so I wouldn’t get comments (even positive ones!) because that would mean they noticed. I know that makes no sense whatsoever, and is probably indicative of me being insane, but I totally get what you mean.

          • That’s totally right! I didn’t tell ANYONE except my SO (wouldn’t want him to think I’m coming home all red and sweaty and freshly showered for a different reason after all!) when I started working out. I agree, we’re probably all insane, but at least we know there are others out there like us! :-)

    • Just don’t do what a friend of mine started doing (right before the divorce). Her hubs was an avid golfer but would complain that he was too fat to help her clean up, i.e. he couldn’t reach down and pick something up off the floor. So she bought a bunch of golf balls and when he was sitting around all lazy, she would roll the golf ball at him and say “bet you can pick that one up!”

    • Good question. My boyfriend wants to lose weight. I eat way healthier than he does. I suggested lean protein and whole grains for meals and snacks. He started eating nuts and sunflower seeds *constantly*, and said he gained a few pounds. He drinks soda and we both drink a beer on occasion.

      He has started using a calorie tracker app. He’s not really exercising. I’m worried that he’s going to lose a few pounds by starving himself, and then gain it all back after he stops using the app.

      Any tips? I don’t want to keep reminding him, especially if he thinks what works for me isn’t what would work for him. (He tells me that if he ate like I did, he’d be hungry. But the truth is, he eats way more sugar than me, not as much protein or fiber, and I get more exercise during the day, due to my job.)

      • Let him do it his own way. You can occasionally share “new and surprising(!)” information with him; i.e. “OMG sweetie, did you know that [cr*ppy snack you always buy] has 1,000 grams of sugar and NO protein!? My [good snack] is the opposite!” (That’s a little obvious, but you see what I mean.

        My dad drives my mom CRAZY because he has always been Mr. Athlete, Mr. “I’m too fat, I’ll just go run as fast as I can for an hour and get injured and spend the next 6 months recuperating.” My mom is smart, does her research (is crazy about her diet, but that’s a different story) and has been telling him for, oh, 20 years maybe, that it’s better to walk and not get injured and it’s still a good workout and there are studies that show walking can be better for your health, etc etc etc… I was actually there the day my dad came bustling home from his “manly” weight loss class (no weight watchers for him, that’s a women’s group!) and told her all excited “did you know that walking can be as good for you as running? And it won’t hurt my knees as much! We have to start walking every day!” Her face was priceless.

        You just can’t tell some people anything. They have to figure it out for themselves. Come to think of it, that’s probably where I get it! :-)

  12. No real advice. But I have an 18-yr old sister with an ED and it is a heart-breaking disease. Part of the disease is denial about the disease. My sister is currently undergoing treatment, but it’s a very slow process. The longer it’s been going on for, the more difficult to treat. I think the only reason my family was able to get my sister into treatment was because my parents have the power of the purse over her. I know that’s not much help to you, but I do empathize. It’s horrible to watch someone you love helpless under the power of mental illness. Your gut is likely correct.

  13. 1) Get a small box of elegant Crane notes just for occasions such as these. (I am a total stationery addict, fwiw). A short but sweet, “Thanks for recognizing my efforts / excellent opportunity / looking forward to future projects” should suffice.
    2) I vote for a watch!
    3) Congratulations! Nice when others recognize our efforts.

  14. I normally don’t like Cafe Mom, but I agree with her completely here: http://thestir.cafemom.com/teen/136567/students_banned_from_sharing_news

    Crazy.

    • Oh.my.god. This is completely ridiculous.

      We are all human. Sometimes we get what we want, and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes, someone ELSE gets what we want. If you haven’t learned to deal with that by the age of 18, then many, many people have failed you along the way.

    • Well I agree that its crazy for it to be official school policy, I think its good life lesson to be able to learn how to celebrate successes while others are experiencing failures. I know at law school it was a tricky game, how to be happy that you got a summer job offer or an offer from your SA job, when others didn’t know what they were going to do. It took a deft, empathetic hand to negotiate that time and come out still good friends — and I do think that’s something that a school can help students navigate. (And I know I had one high school teacher drag me to the front of the room when I got my college acceptance early admission and it was m.o.r.t.i.f.y.i.n.g.)

      • Former MidLevel :

        This. (Except for the early-admission bit. That did not happen to me – thank goodness!)

      • Yeah, but that’s something the kids actually need to learn. It’s a matter of taste and tact, and what better time to learn it than in high school? It shouldn’t be a violation of school policy to tell your best friend where you’re going to college.

        * I know you don’t agree with the policy and don’t mean to act as if you do. :)

        • Facebook has taught me that teenagers have no taste nor tact. :-P (Though I do agree that this policy, in addition to being stupid, is essentially unenforceable.) I think its better focused on the teachers, encouraging them to keep celebrations low-key and not too public… why is that so hard?

          • Facebook has taught me that adults have neither taste nor tact. ;-)

          • I agree that focusing on teachers is a better way to go to help students figure out appropriate behavior around successes and disappointments.

      • One of my profs asked me very pointedly as class begun one day in my MA program what my plans were for the next year. It was a chance for me to say, “Beginning my PhD work here!” as I’d just gotten admitted to the program, which he’d known at a social gathering the previous week but had been unable to tell me (talk about tense smalltalk situations!)

        So perhaps she could have done a better job, but I think the impulse to recognize students can be a great one.

    • Wow. Just…. wow.
      I can’t think of a stronger motivator than public recognition of real effort, and not to acknowledge the kids’ success is incredibly unfair.

      At the same time, I do not publicize my kids’ accomplishments… not for fear of appearing braggy, but to spare the feelings of other moms – my friends. Go figure.

      • Nerdy Mcnerdistein :

        Really? Do you really think that the strongest motivator for success is really public acknowledgment? Because I don’t. If you think back to high school, did you do well in school to get on the Honor Roll or to have your name announced in front of class? Probably not (for many of us, that was the worst part). There are lots of reasons kids do well in school, but public acknowledgement (which lets be honest, rarely leads to friendly reactions from other kids) is not, I don’t think, usually one of them.

        Now — pride from our parent’s, that might be one. Freedoms to do certain things, definitely one. Getting into a good college, there’s another one.

        • I probably phrased it wrong. Not the best motivator, but one of the most satisfying rewards, after the actual getting-into-college, completing-the-project, winning-the-case.

    • Those students are in for a rude awakening when they get into the real world.

    • Ha. I’ll bet the sports teams are not banned from having “spirit days” or other celebrations of their victories on campus and during school hours. Never mind how it might hurt the feelings of the kids who didn’t make the teams.

      Not that it scarred me for life or anything, but I always thought it was unfair that all the sports teams got huge spreads in the local town paper, while the honor roll was printed in tiny font. I think it’s a shame that academics are not usually given the excitement/recognition that sports teams are.

      And on this topic, the University of Florida in Gainesville is cutting its computer science program for budgetary reasons, while increasing the athletic department budget by $2 million. Yes, I know it’s not exactly the same pot of money, but it still looks pretty bad.

    • First Amendment anyone?

      • wynn duffy :

        haha this is my biggest pet peeve. not a universal right..

        schools have always been able to dictate this stuff, but I agree that this has taken it to an absurd level

    • Still on the subject of high school doozies –
      Girl Barred From Attending Prom Solo–Without a Male Date
      http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2012/04/20/exclusive-archdiocese-ruling-bares-student-from-attending-promo-solo/?hpt=us_bn4

    • Accountress :

      That sucks for the kids that got into the colleges they wanted. My nogoodnik cousin dropped out of high school right before Thanksgiving in our senior year, and so I was forbidden to talk about how I got accepted into my dream school because “it would make [my] aunt sad.” It was wicked unfair, and my mom still apologizes for not standing up for me (some 8 years later).

      • I think the bigger problem isn’t that it prevents successful kids from getting due recognition for their accomplishments (maybe that is true to some degree, but parents and family can make up for that by recognizing accomplishments outside the confines of school) but rather that middle school/high school is where people learn how to handle LOSING. Losing sports, losing parts in the school play because someone else had a better audition, and also FEELING like you lost because someone else accomplished something you didn’t. Handled properly, it encourages healthy competition, teaches kids to deal with emotions of loss and envy in a healthy way, and motivates kids by pointing out that if you want the recognition and whatever else might come along with a given accomplishment, you have to work for it, and sometimes, you still don’t get it. That’s called LIFE.
        We’re making it exceedingly difficult when these kids get in the real world and find that the bubble they’ve been in where: everyone plays, there is no’ loser’ in the soccer game, everyone takes turns playing the lead, and we don’t recognize any type of academic accomplishment lest the kids who didn’t get one ‘feel bad, is not the real world.
        It also creates a whole bunch of people with an external locus of control, too much of which can be really negative. It’s what leads to the perception that other people are “Getting” stuff they aren’t “getting” instead of recognizing that someone else EARNED something. It’s the root of entitlement.
        Ok. *rant over*. I just have a middle school kid, and I already see this taking root in his school, this idea that we can’t make anyone ‘feel bad’ by recognizing any accomplishments, and I think it sucks because there’s difference between making people feel ‘less than’ for things out of their control, and recognizing achievements earned through effort.

        • This is such a pet peeve of mine. Losing is not a bad thing. It happens to everyone at some point in their life; insulating kids from this reality serves no purpose. At my team’s track meet on Saturday, when they announced the top three in each event over the PA, the announcer kept saying “The third-placed winner is…” and “The second-placed winner is…” It was so frustrating. The second-placed guy might have run a fantastic race and PRed by fifteen seconds in the two-mile or something, but he did not win. He lost. He knows he lost. I know he lost. Everyone at the track knows he lost. Why are we pretending he’s a winner?

        • Always a NYer :

          This. And I’m reminded of something I heard on the radio, Elvis Duran and the Morning Show, a few months ago about the “wuss-ification of American kids.” Not having a clear cut winner or glossing over anything not happy and sparkling doesn’t do any favors in the long run. It will only provide a generation of people who are unable to take criticism and highly emotional.

          In middle and high school, I was always the one picked last for sports. But I hated sports and knew why no one wanted me on their team. However, come time for group projects, everyone wanted to be on my team because they knew I was a perfectionist and always got an A. Being a teenager is hard, but being an adult is even harder. I’m grateful that I learned how to be a gracious loser, and an even more gracious winner.

        • Yes. I could see the change even between myself (late 20s) and my youngest sibling (19) – they still gave out actual blue ribbons at the science fair when I was in elementary school.

          Reminds me of The Incredibles. If everyone is super, then no one is.

    • new york associate :

      In fairness, the article is talking about policies in very competitive prep schools and places like Bronx Science, where the competition to get into Ivies can be really toxic. I don’t think they’re trying to quench people from being proud; they’re just trying to slightly ratchet down the stakes so that people don’t kill themselves when they get into Penn instead of Princeton.

      • This.

      • public suburban :

        This.
        I remember being in a competitive high school. I wish my school had had a policy like this- guidance counselors often asked in the crowded hallways to confirm where you were going.
        I’m still surprised that everyone in my class made it to graduation without killing themselves or others. The pressure that college admissions (and parents) put on teenagers is insane.

    • That is nuts. I so agree with many of the comments here that it is important for people to learn how to “lose” gracefully! For one thing, it shows people what they’re good at! If I hadn’t found out fairly quickly that I am not a fast swimmer (my dad once complained that he had to restrain the lifeguard so I could finish a race) because I was straining to make A times instead of AAA or Q times I might have stuck with it a lot longer instead of ultimately using swimming for fun and exercise but focusing on another sport which I actually was quite good at! That’s a lesson we can use EVERYWHERE in our lives.

      I mean, one of my “friends” in law school got SUPER drunk after getting the A* in a first year class (I don’t know if other law schools do this, but basically THE A* means you got the single highest grade in the whole class.) And went running around to bars where everyone was celebrating being done with finals and jumped up on tables and screaming “I GOT THE A*!!!” (Fun fact, the next day she asked me how everyone knew her grade.)

      I followed around after her making she she didn’t hurt herself and apologizing to people. But actually, all anyone really thought? “Man, that chick cannot hold her liquor!” Only 1 out of 200+ got the A* yeah, the rest of us “lost” but we could handle it.

      • Agreed. I’m glad I found out in high school that I wasn’t a great actress. I found something else I was good at. (There were a significant number of better auditions. I didn’t get the part because I wasn’t as good as them. It wasn’t personal.)

        • There are SO. MANY. of my clients that I want to tell this too. “Look, you’re just not cut out for XYZ job. You hate it, they hate you, why don’t you use the time (and money!) that you’ve spent on therapy and self-medication and trying to get out of actually working and look for a new job!!!

          On the tattoo thread someone was talking about employers having the right to hire, fire, control the business environment. So many people out there want to be their own special snowflake and expect the rest of the world to bow to their specialness…but also want to be able to force their employer to deal with their own special snowflakeness!

          Sorry, I know I sound rant-y and intolerant and I’m really really not. I could not do my job if I were, but I do get so sick of people who have no particular aptitude (much less talent!) or appropriate attitude for a specific job who insist on doing the job, or trying to do the job and then want to sue because they didn’t get hired/promoted/petted and told they’re a good boy/girl/etc… Everyone has a talent or at least an aptitude. Maybe, like Chandler Bing you’ll find out that your aptitude is a boring-as-sh*t job that nobody understands. But then you get to marry Monica who has enough crazy for the both of you. Suck it up.

  15. Woods-comma-Elle :

    Dear Partner

    I know you’re very busy and important, but:

    (i) I have quite a bit of work to do for my own clients;
    (ii) I’ve never worked on your particular matter before;
    (iii) the other partner I need to speak to about said matter has been in meetings all day; and
    (iv) I’m in a different team to you,

    so excuse me if I cannot drop everything and provide you with a ten-page memo on your very complex contractual analysis within five minutes of you asking for it.

    GAH! TUESDAY!

    *rant over, thanks for reading*

  16. For anyone looking to shop on a tight budget today, Macy’s is running some sales + 25% off with code FRIEND.

    • MaggieLizer :

      Thanks! I decided to get my friend whose house was broken into a set of cheapish pearls (instead of costume jewelry) and I’ve been waiting for this sale. Her good pearls were stolen and I thought she had a backup but apparently she doesn’t. She’s been going on a lot of networking events and interviews lately and she said she’s really been missing her pearls.

  17. Why can’t I post?

    Last week, someone was looking for a simple black clutch. I searched, and I can’t find the thread, so I don’t know/remember who you are.

    Check out Talbots’ “patent envelope clutch.”

  18. Lawyer in Theory :

    I am tempted to buy this dress solely for the Nietzsche reference in Zac Posen’s new label name. :) OK.

    I’m really here to ask how hard-and-fast the ‘no pink at the office’ rule is. I’m going to be a summer associate, pale pink does my complexion wonders. Is this sateen shirt from BR really a no-no by virtue of the fact it’s pink? It’s a very pale blush.

    http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?searchCID=25789&vid=3&pid=717843&scid=717843032

    • Former MidLevel :

      I think the “light pink” color on the page you linked to is fine. Just don’t pair it with super-girly accessories.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I wear bright pink (and bright orange and bright blue) in the office all the time (I have dark brown skin so pastels don’t look very good on me). I wouldn’t wear head to toe pink, and if you’re in a more conservative office, I would trend conservative and perhaps even a little menswear-inspired with your other pieces, but I think this is absolutely fine.

      In other words, if this shirt undermines your credibility at work, I think we’ve all gone crazy.

    • What “no pink at the office” rule? Seriously, I have not heard of it and would not subscribe to it if I did. I think pale pink in particular is very crisp- and professional-looking. Pepto-bismol or neon pink, I would stay away from. But petal pink, rose pink, coral pink, soft fuchsia … all completely fair game.

    • this is perfect for the office in any color, including pink. you should wear appropriate clothes that suit you – if pink makes you glow, then go for it. though if you wore a pink shirt everyday (and i caught on), i might start wondering what’s up.

    • what is this i don’t even

      • Agreed. I’m wearing a dark pink v-neck JCrew long sleeve top with grey trousers. Pink is not my favorite so I don’t wear it a lot, but I’ve never heard of any rules against it.

    • The shirt you linked to looks fine. Honestly, I was not aware it was a rule.

      On a related note, I have a couple of bright pink / red / orange shells that I like to wear with suits. I usually wear these with a black suit, but I was talking to a gf who thinks it looks sort of 90s – ish. Thoughts?

      • Frankly, I was going to say 80s-ish. But the 80s are totally back in style. And as long as your suits don’t look like they are from the 80s (no shoulder pads!), don’t sweat it.

      • Try it with tans, browns, or navies instead (if you have them) — I think that would bring it more into the modern. But I think with the whole color blocking thing that’s come back, its kind of all coming back anyway (but not shoulder pads, please not shoulder pads).

      • Well, that combo is trendy now. It is sort of early 90s-ish, but that’s in style. So wear it if you like it. I personally don’t wear a lot of black and would probably pair these colors with brown instead, so that’s an option if you decide not to wear them with black.

        (also, at first, I thought you were talking about a single shell that was pink, red and orange. That would also be totally trendy, and I would totally wear it.)

      • I wear red with charcoal, pink with navy or lighter grey and I don’t know about orange because I don’t really wear it.

    • MissJackson :

      No pink in the office? If that’s a rule, I break it a lot. Even my husband has a pink dress shirt.

      Even if it were a really bold pink I would say that it’s completely fine. One of my favorite shirts is a silk button front fushia Lands End Canvas shirt, and no one bats an eye when I wear it. Just don’t pair it with pink pants, pink jacket, pink shoes, pink necklace, and a pink bag.

    • You will take my pink from my cold dead hands.

      Seriously — we are not machines. There are no absolute rules. If you’re professional and work hard, you can rock an all pink suit if you really want (though maybe not during your summer associateship, you don’t want them to think you actually ARE dressing up as Elle Woods.)

    • I’ve been reading corporette for years and never seen a no pink rule. Obv maybe dont do a full hot pink suit but yeah bink shirts are totally fine.

      Also someone mentioned yesterday the actress that plays Sansa on game of thrones was 18.. she is actually only 16! I guess its been in the news a lot because she is going to be topless at somepoint this season and a lot of people were like umm too young

    • There’s a rule against pink in the office? Well sh!t, I must have a huge file with HR. Repeat offender here.

      (Buy the shirt. I love the winter peony color too, and it’s on sale!)

    • Equity's Darling :

      If no pink is a rule, I break it at least twice a week on average.

    • I wear pink fairly frequently, but I am also somewhat of a reformed tomboy. I figure a little pink helps even this out a bit.

    • I don’t think it’s a Nietzche reference – I think it’s a play on “bespoke,” incorporating the Z from Zac.

  19. Barking dogs :

    Anybody want to help me with some shoe shopping? I need a pair of shoes to wear with a bridesmaid’s dress and I haven’t found anything locally. I’d like to buy something I can wear again (i.e., nothing labeled a special occasion shoe) and that has a heel under 3″. Black is fine.

  20. Random Sexism Vent :

    My male coworkers want to go in on something for our admin (she supports 4 of us – 3 guys plus me) for Administrative Professionals Day. So one of my coworkers sent around an email checking that we would want to do this, and everyone replied in the affirmative. That was yesterday. Admin Professionals Day is tomorrow. Nothing has been done about it, and I strongly suspect that nothing will be done unless I send a follow up email. I KNOW they expect me to organize it because I took it upon myself to order flowers for her (from everybody) when her father passed away.

    GARH. I’ll just buy her a gift card and flowers on my own.

    • Why don’t you just send an e-mail to coworker who started the e-mail chain and say “Hey [coworker’s name], can you take care of this this time? Thanks.”

      • Accountress :

        This, or maybe drop by his office with a tenner (or whatever denomination) and say, “This is for so-and-so’s gift, thanks for organizing it.”?

        • I agree with this kind of approach. People who have made assumptions without thinking about them can be re-trained with cues like this. “Oh–RSV isn’t taking care of this? I guess it never made sense that I automatically expected her to.” And either the card is late, for which you must show no more regret/blame than anyone else involved, or the card gets bought on time by a guy who realizes he should step up.

          People who really want to cling to the idea that this is somehow your responsibility will not respond to these nudges. But we don’t yet know that these coworkers are in that category. Moves like the ones suggested above give them a chance. I have done things like this with male family members, and it’s been uncomfortable at first but usually led to good ultimate outcomes.

    • Ha… this year I decided my husband would buy bday, anniversary, etc., gifts for his family, and I would buy them for mine. My husband missed his mother and brother’s birthday, his parents’ anniversary, and his dad only got a birthday gift because I put together a photobook, but he couldn’t even get it together to mail it.

    • dude not sexist just lazy. I would def just do what accountress suggested, and you could even throw in “last time I bought flowers I called carl’s flower shop down the street and they were good” let’s save the sexism label for times that actually deserve. lately this blog has been very “grrr men!” and way over reactionary

    • Unless you initiated the email suggesting taking up a collection, then you did not volunteer to buy the gift. I’d ask the original emailer where he is on the assignment.

      (and yes, I feel your pain. I am the only woman in my 10 person department)

      • I can’t decide whether my team didn’t send me flowers for my accident because I’m the only woman or because my boss is a giant DOOSH. You guys have broadened my vocabulary.

        • Oh gosh, I dread comments like that. I’m the boss and I feel so badly when someone says (usually too late) that we should have sent flowers for something. I’m not thoughtless, I promise – just so busy sometimes that I have a brain like a sieve.

        • Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you feel bad.

          Both the companies I’m interviewing with sent me flowers…

    • Thanks everyone. I took everyone’s advice and decided to not waste my time being annoyed or passive aggressive, and just replied to the email telling them to let me know how much I owed.

    • Either buy her something on your own and make it very clear it’s from you, or (and this is the more mature suggestion) drop by the coworkers office, give him $10 as a contribution for the gift, and say “thanks for organizing!”. Then leave before he can ask you to do it yourself.

    • I’m sure there will be a post on this, but when I worked in an office with dozens of attorneys, I also did a personal gift, just from me. Sometimes it was just a card. It really meant a lot to the staff. (And has an extra effect of getting on their good side.)

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