CoWorker Problems

How do you deal with back-handed “compliments” in the office? Reader B wonders…

I am a 30 year old lawyer working in Washington, DC. My late 20’s/early 30’s professional female friends and I have experienced a strange and disconcerting dynamic amongst women in the workplace: getting negative comments from other women for being smartly/well- dressed. These outfits, I believe, would objectively be considered professional, age-appropriate, and well-fitting: tailored suits in feminine cuts, pencil skirts to the knee, or pumps with a modest heel. They would certainly be similar to those depicted on the Corporette website. The comments often take the form of backhanded compliments, such as, “That shirt makes you look soooooo thin.” They may also be cautionary, like “Wow, you had better be careful not to hurt yourself in those heels”. This feedback comes from women at a similar professional level and more senior employees. It most often comes from women whom are a generation older and seem to be, at times, more about our size and age than what we are wearing. It also seems to be more of an issue in government and non-profit environments, as we haven’t noticed it to be a problem in the private sector. How should we respond to this type of feedback? At what point should we give in to workplace pressure to dress in a more bland way versus continuing to wear clothing that makes us feel sophisticated and professional?

This issue comes up a lot, and as your friendly blogger I see both sides of it: the younger women wondering why these older women are giving them these back-handed compliments, and the older women asking me how in the world they tell someone they’re dressed wildly inappropriate for the office in a casual way. I’m curious to hear what readers think about this. [click to continue…]

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Team jersey, originally uploaded to Flickr by nats.By the time I started working in BigLaw, I’d had about seven jobs before that.  For four of those jobs, my bosses were women; the other jobs (lifeguarding and two fashion magazines) were, well, not exactly testosterone-fueled environments.  Everyone had called me by my first name, and we generally enjoyed a collegial atmosphere.  However, when I started working at the law firm, I began to notice what felt like a very male-friendly environment.  Nothing was sexist, per se, but it still contrasted sharply with the work atmospheres I’d known before, and made me feel out of place.  (Pictured: Team jersey, originally uploaded to Flickr by nats.)

One of those things was being called by my last name. I’d always hated sports growing up (despite having, at various points, been a member of the tennis and swimming teams), and nothing annoyed me more than people saying “Let’s call Vogele” or “Whazzup, Vogele?” (As you may have guessed, my maiden name is Vogele.) What annoyed me even more about the last name thing was that it wasn’t men who were perpetuating it — it was women, who, I assumed, were trying to fit in with the old boys’ club.

At one point, in my first or second year, I was on a team of four female associates, led by another woman or two in charge of us — and yet we still all went by last names. One night, behind closed doors, I ranted to my good friend about it, going on and on about how much I hated it.  Was I supposed to catch a ball sometime soon, or go long?  (Alternately, where was my pipe, whiskey, and manservant?)

And she pointed out that two of the four of us had the same first name. Well…. FINE.

I’ve learned to live with being called by my last name only — but I’m curious what everyone else’s take on it is? Do you get called by your last name in your workplace? Does it seem like a part of the old boys’ club?  Are there other little things that grate on your nerves?

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Spite House, originally uploaded to Flickr by Blind Grasshopper.Reader N writes in with a sticky situation: in the midst of a company “reorganization,” a female subordinate who has been with the company for much longer than she has has been badmouthing Reader N to her future bosses.  We’ve talked about spiteful coworkers before, but not in the context of a reorganization where your job might actually be at risk.  (Pictured: Spite House, originally uploaded to Flickr by Blind Grasshopper.)

I wondered if you and the readers could offer some advice. I lucked out with a fairly high powered in house counsel position only one year out of law school. I love, love love my job and all the challenges it brings. I have fantastic coworkers, and am super lucky to be working with people like the CEO, CFO and COO, and of course my boss the General Counsel.

The problem is that there is a member of my team who has been a thorn in my side since I started. This person is a paralegal and is a valuable member of the team, but she is on a destructive mission and is determined to get rid of me. She constantly badmouths me behind my back. At first it was the secretaries in our suite, and it may even have reached senior management. Eventually it reached my boss’s ears, and he had a long and firm chat with her, during which she insisted that I “wasn’t working out.” She didn’t have any evidence of this of why, and her comments were things like “well, you [boss] are so busy and she isn’t really helping you- I just don’t think she’s working out.”

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Blah blah blah, originaally uploaded to Flickr by theunquietlibrarian.How do you get any work done when your boss is a Chatty Kathy? Reader K is having some trouble adjusting to her new boss’s management style…

I have recently switched jobs in the legal profession and am having trouble adjusting to the management “style” of my new boss. My previous supervisor was a hands off type of person, to whom I spoke only sparingly when necessary.

My new supervisor is the total opposite. He is very chatty about everything under the sun and if I am not careful he will consume half of my time (literally) during a given work day to chit chat, mostly about non-work related topics. I end up zoning in an out of listening and am afraid I will soon start pulling my hair out due to the unproductive nature of our interactions!

I pride myself on being very productive and am having trouble adjusting. What advice might you have for my situation?

Wow — great question. I particularly see this management style more in smaller offices where everyone is friendlier just because they’re working in close quarters — but it can happen in big offices, as well. Especially when you’re the newbie, you don’t want to be unfriendly — but you also want to finish your work and get out of there at a reasonable hour. We’ve talked before about how to discourage chatty coworkers, but we haven’t really talked about how to deal with it when it’s your boss. (Pictured: Blah blah blah, originally uploaded to Flickr by theunquietlibrarian.)

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Scarves, originally uploaded to Flickr by theqspeaks.Reader S wonders what to do about an ill officemate she doesn’t know very well…

I have an office etiquette question. I work in a large office suite and am on nodding acquaintance with a woman on the other side of the floor. Recently she has started wearing a head scarf, and once I saw her without one, and she has lost all her hair.

Should I just ignore this? Or a general “everything OK?” and let her disclose what she’d like?

Hmmn. I think this really depends both on the office as well as what you know of this woman. My gut is telling me to continue your relationship as normal rather than say anything — smile, make chitchat, and see if she brings it up. I think my reasoning is going like this: if you don’t talk to the woman much now, and then you start this conversation and she says something like “well yes, actually, I have cancer and have six months to live,” then what are you going to do with that information? Be her best friend? Go back to not talking to her? It seems selfish to bring it up to satisfy your own curiosity.  (Pictured: Scarves, originally uploaded to Flickr by theqspeaks.)

On the other hand, if it’s a smaller office and the woman doesn’t have many people to talk to, you may want to broach the subject if you’re ready to be the person she can lean on at the office. The next time I saw her — in the coffee room, washing your hands in the ladies room, whatever — I might go one of two routes, and say something like “How are you feeling?” — or something very casual, such as “that’s a beautiful scarf — is it silk?” Or something like that, and see where the conversation goes.

I’m curious, readers — what do you think? Do you think the coworker should know Reader S is concerned and has noticed — or that Reader S should mind her own business?

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Held back, originaly uploaded to Flickr by Matthew Wilkinson.Have you ever been denied a promotion because you were too good at your current job?  Reader N suspects this may be what’s at play at her workplace, and wonders what she can do about it.

I just read your article “Getting the Work You Want” and I wanted to ask a follow up question. I’ve found myself in a position of getting passed over for moving into a complex litigation team, despite having openly expressed my interest, and my superior agreeing that I would be better used in that area. (I’ve had this reinforced by rave reviews for my senior attorneys and from fellow co-workers who I’ve helped out.)

From what I can tell, it seems that my superiors (and theirs) place more value in the fact that I can manage my workload and simultaneously back up three to four people at a time. I’ve backed up coworkers in the complex team, too, but as for moving up with them permanently… nothing.

So what’s a girl to do when I have spoken up and asked… and nothing happens? Have I shot myself in the foot by having quality and quantity? Should I just take the rave reviews and recommendations and look for work elsewhere?

Fabulous question. There are a million reasons why people don’t get jobs and promotions — including not being right for them.  That said, something I’ve seen happen is when a boss keeps a “good worker” in the trenches because his or her own life is made so much easier by the worker.  The boss knows the job will get done, and done well. He or she doesn’t have to hire or train anyone new.  It’s great!  For the boss, that is.  For the worker (which may be Reader N, here) you don’t grow at all.  For a particularly selfish boss, he or she may also try to restrain you from working with other people, give you lackluster reviews or recommendations to keep you with them, and maybe even talk down to you to make you question whether or not you “deserve” better than your current job.  (Pictured: Held back, originaly uploaded to Flickr by Matthew Wilkinson.)

This is one of the reasons why it’s so important to be the master of your own career.  You need to be the one constantly assessing where you are — and speaking up until you get to where you should be, even if that makes you feel pushy.  If you do find yourself in a situation where a boss is holding you back, in my opinion, there isn’t much you can do about it beyond getting away from the the toxic personality. And if that means taking a new job, so be it.

However, I would give every boss the benefit of the doubt — once.  For example, here, Reader N says “from what I can tell” — N, have you spoken to your superiors about why you didn’t get moved to the area you wanted?  This is a 100% valid question. Approach it with a learning mindset — be as far from “entitled” as you can be. Frustrated is fine — exacerbated even — but be careful about crossing into “angry and emotional.” Sit down with your superiors, show the different ways that you made your preference known, the positive feedback you got, and then express your confusion over the lack of movement that followed. I’d also ask when you can next expect to be moved to your preferred area.

Once you have their official answer, look at it objectively.  Maybe you were lacking a certain skill.  Maybe Person X had more of the skills needed.  Maybe they wanted to keep you in your current department until a particular big project finished.  Maybe a more formal process is required for a move like the one you want.  Whatever they say, try to make sense of it.  It’s still fair for you to get angry, and it’s still fair for you to look for a new job — but it’s also fair to say “Oh, that’s what happened,” and then sit tight until the next window of opportunity arrives.

Readers, have you ever been held back because you were doing too good of a job?  What did you do about it?  What is your general approach if you don’t get a promotion you’ve lobbied for?

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