CoWorker Problems

The Sick Coworker You Don’t Know Well

by Kat on 01/12/2012 · 37 comments

Reader S wonders what to do about an ill officemate she doesn’t know very well…

I have an office etiquette question. I work in a large office suite and am on nodding acquaintance with a woman on the other side of the floor. Recently she has started wearing a head scarf, and once I saw her without one, and she has lost all her hair.

Should I just ignore this? Or a general “everything OK?” and let her disclose what she’d like?

Hmmn. I think this really depends both on the office as well as what you know of this woman. My gut is telling me to continue your relationship as normal rather than say anything — smile, make chitchat, and see if she brings it up. I think my reasoning is going like this: if you don’t talk to the woman much now, and then you start this conversation and she says something like “well yes, actually, I have cancer and have six months to live,” then what are you going to do with that information? Be her best friend? Go back to not talking to her? It seems selfish to bring it up to satisfy your own curiosity. (Pictured: Scarves, originally uploaded to Flickr by theqspeaks.)

On the other hand, if it’s a smaller office and the woman doesn’t have many people to talk to, you may want to broach the subject if you’re ready to be the person she can lean on at the office. The next time I saw her — in the coffee room, washing your hands in the ladies room, whatever — I might go one of two routes, and say something like “How are you feeling?” — or something very casual, such as “that’s a beautiful scarf — is it silk?” Or something like that, and see where the conversation goes.

I’m curious, readers — what do you think? Do you think the coworker should know Reader S is concerned and has noticed — or that Reader S should mind her own business?

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When You’re Held Back Because You’re Too Good

by Kat on 01/10/2012 · 60 comments

in Business Etiquette, Career, CoWorker Problems, Success, Transitions

Have you ever been denied a promotion because you were too good at your current job? Reader N suspects this may be what’s at play at her workplace, and wonders what she can do about it.

I just read your article “Getting the Work You Want” and I wanted to ask a follow up question. I’ve found myself in a position of getting passed over for moving into a complex litigation team, despite having openly expressed my interest, and my superior agreeing that I would be better used in that area. (I’ve had this reinforced by rave reviews for my senior attorneys and from fellow co-workers who I’ve helped out.)

From what I can tell, it seems that my superiors (and theirs) place more value in the fact that I can manage my workload and simultaneously back up three to four people at a time. I’ve backed up coworkers in the complex team, too, but as for moving up with them permanently… nothing.

So what’s a girl to do when I have spoken up and asked… and nothing happens? Have I shot myself in the foot by having quality and quantity? Should I just take the rave reviews and recommendations and look for work elsewhere?

Fabulous question. There are a million reasons why people don’t get jobs and promotions — including not being right for them. That said, something I’ve seen happen is when a boss keeps a “good worker” in the trenches because his or her own life is made so much easier by the worker. The boss knows the job will get done, and done well. He or she doesn’t have to hire or train anyone new. It’s great! For the boss, that is. For the worker (which may be Reader N, here) you don’t grow at all. For a particularly selfish boss, he or she may also try to restrain you from working with other people, give you lackluster reviews or recommendations to keep you with them, and maybe even talk down to you to make you question whether or not you “deserve” better than your current job. (Pictured: Held back, originaly uploaded to Flickr by Matthew Wilkinson.)

This is one of the reasons why it’s so important to be the master of your own career. You need to be the one constantly assessing where you are — and speaking up until you get to where you should be, even if that makes you feel pushy. If you do find yourself in a situation where a boss is holding you back, in my opinion, there isn’t much you can do about it beyond getting away from the the toxic personality. And if that means taking a new job, so be it.

However, I would give every boss the benefit of the doubt — once. For example, here, Reader N says “from what I can tell” — N, have you spoken to your superiors about why you didn’t get moved to the area you wanted? This is a 100% valid question. Approach it with a learning mindset — be as far from “entitled” as you can be. Frustrated is fine — exacerbated even — but be careful about crossing into “angry and emotional.” Sit down with your superiors, show the different ways that you made your preference known, the positive feedback you got, and then express your confusion over the lack of movement that followed. I’d also ask when you can next expect to be moved to your preferred area.

Once you have their official answer, look at it objectively. Maybe you were lacking a certain skill. Maybe Person X had more of the skills needed. Maybe they wanted to keep you in your current department until a particular big project finished. Maybe a more formal process is required for a move like the one you want. Whatever they say, try to make sense of it. It’s still fair for you to get angry, and it’s still fair for you to look for a new job — but it’s also fair to say “Oh, that’s what happened,” and then sit tight until the next window of opportunity arrives.

Readers, have you ever been held back because you were doing too good of a job? What did you do about it? What is your general approach if you don’t get a promotion you’ve lobbied for?

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Exit Interviews: Leave With a Smile

by Kat on 12/20/2011 · 85 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Professionalism, Transitions

Reader J wonders whether she should complain about her rude and dismissive boss when quitting:

I will be giving my notice to quit my current job within the next couple of weeks, and I’m struggling with how much to say. On the one hand, I don’t want to burn any bridges. I have good relationships with almost everyone I work with, and I want to preserve those relationships. On the other hand, there is one partner who I work for that is disrespectful, rude and dismissive, and he is the main reason I’m leaving. Are people generally honest about that type of thing when they quit and do you recommend that I say something? Or do most people stick with a stock line – e.g., I learned a lot here but I got a great new opportunity.

We got into this a bit when we talked about how to resign gracefully, but I’m curious what the hivemind is on this one: should you tell employers the reason you’re quitting? (Pictured: Quitting time (lomo variant), originally uploaded to Flickr by greg.turner.)

I’m going to stick with my gut here and say you should resign with a smile and keep your lips sealed regarding any bad working situations. My guess is you’re not going to accomplish anything by it, and you may tarnish your own reputation by saying something. If the hiring office (or whoever takes your exit interview) knows about Person X’s attitude, then you’re not telling them anything new. And if they don’t know about Person X’s attitude, they will most likely chalk it up to a “personality conflict,” and leave it at that. And realistically, from a senior management perspective, they probably don’t care about Person X’s attitude — as long as Person X can bring in clients/money/do his job well, they don’t really care how he treats his underlings.

Furthermore, by mentioning negatives at your exit interview you may come off as a whiner. I say, leave with a smile, with as much good will as you can — you never know what you may want from the firm in the future (good recommendations, connections — perhaps even from Person X).

Readers, what do you think — have you mentioned bad experiences in your exit interviews? How were you received?

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Under Pressure: Charitable Giving at the Office

by Kat on 12/13/2011 · 108 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Holidays, Money

Reader D wonders charitable giving at the office:

Around this time every year, non-profits make a big fundraising push. Do you (and your readers) think it’s appropriate for employees to solicit donations from other employees for non-profits they support? Relatedly, I have found that in many offices, there is some pressure to donate to causes or nonprofits that the company supports. While the causes may be worthy, compelled charitable giving is a little uncomfortable. Any thoughts on how to gracefully decline donating to the firm’s non-profit(s) of choice?

Yeouch. This should be an interesting thread. For my own $.02, I think the senior people should really do their best to “protect” the office from this kind of compulsion (including employees pressuring employees). Anything beyond a sign-up sheet for Girl Scout cookies posted discreetly in someone’s office or in a communal place — or a single email about how X is running Y race, and won’t you consider donating — is, to my mind, pushy, annoying, and unprofessional. Of course, half the time the pressure is coming from the higher-ups — I have one girlfriend whose boss puts tangible pressure on everyone to give lots of money to the charity for which he sits on the board. Classy! (Pictured: Pressure Gauge, originally uploaded to Flickr by wwarby.)

In terms of deflecting such requests… I think this comes back to “know your own office.” For some offices, the culture there may be where everyone gives to everyone else’s causes, but it’s some nominal amount. Other times (like my poor girlfriend) you may just have to view the charity push from the boss as a “tax” on working there, and keep that in mind when considering other job opportunities. If there is no office culture associated with giving, though, and it’s one person making strident efforts to get you to donate, I would be polite but firm: “Thanks, but I already gave at __.” or even just “Thanks, but I can’t contribute right now.” And change the subject. Don’t ask for more information, don’t challenge the worth of the charity… just don’t let him or her continue the sale tactic.

On the other hand, if this is a colder sell — i.e., the pressure is coming from someone you don’t see regularly or have to work with — an easy way to deflect most requests for charity is to say that you only give to charities after you’ve studied their audited annual returns (and that you prefer to give directly to the charity rather than the local branch).

Readers, how do you deal with charitable giving in the office?

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What To Do When You Make More Than Your Colleague (And He Knows It)

by Kat on 12/01/2011 · 109 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Money, Professionalism, Transitions

Reader G wonders how to deal with a coworker who has become angry and nasty after discovering a salary difference…

After months of looking for a job and interviews, I finally found another job as an attorney at a small firm. Previously I had worked in another small law firm where I gained substantial litigation experience. On my first day at the new firm I learned that the firm had hired another associate who graduated the same year as myself. I learned that this associate had less substantive experience than me, was making less than me (he asked for less during interviews) and his billing requirement is less than mine. Once he learned that I made more, billed more and was treated as a more “senior” attorney this associate began making disparaging statements to me, where on several occasions the associate has mentioned that it is ridiculous that I am making more than him etc and the firm’s decision makes no sense. This associate also attempts to undermine my opinion and knowledge in every chance he gets. It has become very unpleasant and he reminds me of the super-competitive people in law school who just did not know how to have a normal conversation. Every time I try to work with him on a project, he uses it as a way to tell me that he is smarter and more knowledgeable than me.

I know I should not let his issues bother me, and I am very confident in my work. However I think I need to address this with him somehow. Do you have any advice on what to say to him exactly? I don’t want to create a hostile environment since this is a small firm, but I cannot let this continue any further.

I’m afraid you’ve discovered one of the cardinal rules of life: DO NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY. True, some firms are lockstep, and there is a sort of freedom when everyone knows what everyone’s making. But every other job in the world? Make like The Go-Go’s and keep your lips sealed. (Pictured above: Old Coins, originally uploaded to Flickr by underactive.)

Now that the cat’s out of the bag, though, I think you’ve got a few options.

1) Distance yourself / lay low until this blows over. Avoid working with him where you can, avoid talking to him at coffee breaks, et cetera. Be friendly, but stay away as much as possible.

2) Pick your battles — and know how to fight them. For example: if you have to work with him and he makes repeatedly snide comments to you (and only you), just let those go. Maybe arch an eyebrow or give him a pained expression, but for the most part, let him boast all he wants to in private. On the other hand, if he questions your work product in front of your boss or client, you need to shut him down very quickly — and the best way to do that is by knowing your work product inside and out so you can defend it adequately (and, if this makes sense, as casually as possible: defend your work without getting defensive). Ultimately, he looks bad in doing this, and you want to make sure that you correct any misconception he might create while also staying “above it” — the last thing you want to do is look like two squabbling children. I would also suggest you keep your guard raised. For example, if you’re both working on the same project, make sure that you’re CC:ed on everything and invited to every meeting he is.

3) Talk to HR or your boss. Let them know why the working relationship is strained, and ask them for advice on how you should handle the situation.

4) Talk to him. This guy does not sound like the kind who can be reasoned with, but if you want to try: put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel? What would dull your anger? Whether it’s looking for a new job, asking for more money at review time, or just enjoying the smaller billable hour requirement, perhaps you can give him helpful suggestions or at least some sympathy.

Readers, how have you handled awkward work situations like this — particularly when a salary disparity has been discovered?

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How to Discourage Chatty Coworkers

by Kat on 11/15/2011 · 133 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Professionalism

Reader J wonders how to discourage a chatty coworker…

I just started as a law clerk at a state appellate court in September 2011 and work with two other lovely clerks, both of whom have been with the Judge for at least a year. One of my co-clerks is very nice, but I sense that she is sort of a lonely person outside of work, and as a result, takes many opportunities to chat with me for long periods of time. She will stop in my doorway or plop down in a chair in my office and talk for 30-45 minutes, sometimes even more than once a day. This doesn’t affect her getting her work done, because she frequently takes work home with her and comes in on the weekends. However, I like to work hard during the day and leave my work at the office. I haven’t been at my job very long and still feel like I need to prove my worth to my Judge–I would like to make this a 2-3 year clerkship. I’m worried he will hear and see us chatting and think that I’m not a hard worker. Without being rude, is there anything I can do to make sure her chat sessions don’t go on so long?

This is a great question. I used to work with a girl who would “drop by” my office and stand in the doorway, chatting about everything from her boyfriend troubles to her work questions to her shopping adventures. I remember sitting there feeling completely trapped and seeing the day (and work) stretch out before me the more she yammered on. I’ve had a lot of chatty coworkers through the years, but this situation was the worst because I genuinely liked her and wanted to hear everything she was saying — just not right then. Some of my top tricks for getting your work time and your gossip time better synchronized:

“Book” time with her later to show she’s important to you. “I have so much work to do, but I really want to hear what you’re saying! Let’s [insert fun activity here -- get a drink, get a manicure, go for a walk] at 5:00 today, ok?” This will sometimes work, but what may happen is she’ll say, “Oh sure, that sounds like fun! Like I was saying…” and continue on.
Get her out of your space. Print a document to the communal printer, grab your wallet and make her run an errand with you — whatever works for you. Just don’t bring her back to your office. Stand in the hallway, or outside the ladies’ room, or in the elevator banks, until she accepts the fact that you can’t listen to her talk any more.
Be stern. This is another option, and one that I have used a few times when there was a guy at the office who seemed to have a crush on me. (I might also use it if I really disliked the coworker.) Here’s what you do: don’t smile. Don’t raise your voice — instead, lower it so you’re speaking more quietly. Continue what you’re doing — if you’re writing, keep your pen in your hand, or your face half-turned to your computer. Say clearly, slowly, and quietly, “I’m really busy right now and don’t have time to talk to you. Sorry about that.” And then turn back to what you’re doing. It may take a few visits of complete non-friendliness for the coworker to get the picture, but they will eventually.

Readers, what are your thoughts? How do you discourage chatty coworkers?

(Pictured: Speech Bubble, originally uploaded to Flickr by illustir.)

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