Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dinah Window Pane Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This windowpane dress from L.K. Bennett looks great — I like the hemline and the sleeve length and the way the pattern doesn’t align with the belt perfectly. Of course, you could swap out the belt for something with a pop of color or a different kind of belt if you wanted to. The dress is machine washable, too — or dry clean. (By the way, I also love the pictured shoes.) It’s only in stock in lucky sizes at this point (the size range is 0–16), so grab it now if it catches your eye! It’s $395. Dinah Window Pane Dress

Ann Taylor has a more affordable option, and two plus-size options are at Lands’ End and Jessica London.

Psst: two great sales going on today: the Nordstrom fall sale and Lands’ End is offering 40% off your order, including sale and clearance stuff. Stay tuned later today for a “how to build a work wardrobe” installment for Lands’ End, and if I have time I’ll try to do a quick roundup of sale stuff at Nordstrom.

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Comments

  1. Anonymous :

    I love this, but again not available in my size. Mild gripe about posts- it feels like everything is “lucky sizes only!”

    • Love this too & love the shoes with it.

    • I agree, I feel like most posts are “lucky size only!” And some posts aren’t seasonally appropriate (this one is), it seems very sporadic.

    • Love this one. Not in my size (or my budget).

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      Anyone know how LK Bennett runs length wise? Long enough for tall people or am I going to be buying a mini-dress?

      • I was originally introduced to the brand because the Duchess of Cambridge wore one of their dresses–she’s quite tall, so you’d probably be okay.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

          Thanks! I am a few inches taller than her, but worth a try if it works for someone who is 5’9″

          • Anonymous :

            I wouldn’t bank on this – she no doubt has everything tailored or possibly even custom-made. I’m only an inch taller than her and can get away with considerably shorter hemlines than what she normally wears (her skirts are usually at or below the knee, whereas I’m fine with a few inches above the knee) and I have bought dresses she’s worn before and had them be WAY too short. She’s got people adding fabric to the dresses and skirts she buys, clearly.

    • Anonymous :

      I had a dress similar to this in high school in the 80s. Nice to see the style come back.

  2. Instant Pot :

    I’m starting to think about Black Friday…and things I may want for myself. Namely, an Instant Pot. The reviews are raptourous, but do any of you ladies agree? I want to cook more for for health reasons, but work long big law hours and find I have about a 15 minute window between getting home and making bad choices.

    If you do have one, do you use it during the week, or only for weekend meal prep? Are there sufficient healthy recipe uses? (I find crockpot recipes heavy on the fat and processed ingredients.) Is it worth it if cooking for one? Thanks!

    • Instant pot is good if you have time to prep it on the weekend or the night before. Recipes might take only 7 minutes to cook- but they do take time to get get up to pressure and then time to decrease the pressure.

      Its very meat heavy mostly for recipes. Thats why the paleo communities have really latched on to them. If you look at Nom Nom Paleo’s website she has an instant pot section and you can see if those recipes sound good to you.

      Here is a great serious eats recipe:
      http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/03/easy-pressure-cooker-pork-chile-verde-recipe.html It takes 15 minutes to prep and 45 minutes to cook. You will have lots of left overs though (unless you have a family of 8) so you can always use it to stock your freezer.

      It is wonderful for shortening the time on long recipes, has a lot more flavor than a crock pot but it won’t be your answer if you just have 15 minutes.

      • Agreed. An InstantPot isn’t going to fix the weeknights where you only have 15 minutes (it can’t really cook anything in that short amount of time). What it can do is assist in make-ahead meal prep which you can then re-heat during the week.
        I like my InstantPot and it has basically replaced my slow-cooker, but it doesn’t really help me unless I also do some meal planning on the weekends.

        • Yeah, I think it depends what your weeknights with no time look like. If they are the kind of nights where you get home and need food on the table within 15 minutes, the instant pot can’t help you there. But if you get home and have a million things to do and only 15 minutes to devote to meal prep but don’t need to actually eat for an hour, it’s perfect.

          I have been really happy with mine for things like soup, applesauce, chicken stock and hard boiled eggs, but I’ve also used it for some great weeknight meals. I’ve been really happy with chicken and rice cooked in it, for example. I haven’t had the chance to try out risotto yet, but I hear it makes a delicious and easy risotto.

          Melissa Clark has a new Instant Pot cookbook out that I’m excited to pick up, and America’s Test Kitchen is coming out with one specifically for the instant pot this spring. They have a general pressure cooking cookbook out already, but there’s some adjustment required to make the recipes in the instant pot.

          • I have the Melissa Clark cookbook and LOVE it. It’s so good. I’ve made several recipes and they’ve all been delicious and easy to prepare. Also I found it easy to prep as I went with her recipes (you’re usually adding some chopped fresh ingredients at the end, so you can prep that while the main dish cooks). I think her time estimates for dinner are surprisingly accurate and her recipes are fantastic.

            OP, I think it depends on how you cook. I love my instant pot because I think the meals taste way better than slow cooker recipes and it takes much less monitoring than stove top recipes. I like making soups and things that can easily be reheated as leftovers. So I may spend 45 minutes or so one night, but the next three nights are less than 10 minutes because I’m just reheating. I’ve found it easy to use on weeknights, but it’s still going to take at least half an hour to get dinner on the table if you’re cooking from scratch.

            I don’t eat a meat heavy diet and still love the instant pot. Last week I made black beans with jalapeños. Currently I’m eating chicken and dumplings, but it would be easy to scale back the amount of chicken in the recipe and add more vegetables.

          • I have a longer post that somehow ended up in moderation, but I highly recommend the Melissa Clark cookbook.

          • Instant Pot :

            Thank you so much for all your thoughts. I’m happy to do meal prep either on the weekend or later for the next day, I just find if I don’t have a plan for dinner and get it going immediately, I lose all will power to make good choices. I’ll take a look at the cook book!

    • My parents have an instant pot and love it, but they use it more for the pressure cooker function than slow cooker because as a family we’ve never liked slow cooker recipes (they all taste like meat mush).

      • I love mine. Have been “learning” it for about a month. I feed six ravenous people every evening and it is saving me. It is not for everyone. It has s steep learning curve and you need to acquaint yourself with pressure cooking. It takes a bit of time and annoys people who think it is easy or intuitive like a slow cooker. You absolutely need to use reputable recipes or they will bomb. I have used mine on average about six times a week since I got it (two X eggs, two X batch/prep cooking like beans or rice) and a few suppers. I do boiled eggs a couple of times a week (for lunches and breakfast). Yesterday afternoon, I did a double batch of ribs (which were the best I ever made). Because it is one pot and on the counter, it freed up space and time (it is hands off) to make corn bread for supper in the oven and I did a large double batch of Pollo Guisado on the stove for two meals to stash away. It makes me much more efficient. Friday night I did a fabulous Chicken Picatta. Thursday night in an emergency I threw the ingredients in the pot for the all in one pasta and meat sauce, on the table in a half hour. I have done the meatloaf and mashed potatoes (all in one pot) now twice. I haven’t used the slow cooker function which has mixed reviews. The soups are considered amazing. The butter chicken was fantastic. It isn’t magic, fool proof, or actually always fast (huge disappointment for many people) but I wouldn’t live without it now.

        • Meals at your house sound great! Your family is lucky. I grew up with a dad who was a great cook and regret not getting his recipes before he died. I asked many times over the years, but he brushed it of.

        • Puddlejumper :

          Can you share your recipes? Especially the ribs, Pollo Guisado and Chicken Picatta. Thanks!

          • Sure! There are a few really reliable bloggers and This Old gal is one.
            https://thisoldgal.com/pressure-cooker-chicken-piccata-lemon-cream-sauce/

            I haven’t eaten this yet, it is for tonight. But my amazing cook of a cousin said I had to try it and it came together very well.:
            https://www.dominicancooking.com/620-pollo-guisado-braised-chicken.html

            The ribs are super basic. I didn’t use the apple juice, just water and S&P and threw them in. I started primarily with the IP endorsed recipes and the “now and later” Butter Chicken was a huge winner. It is worth clicking through their recipes:

            https://recipes.instantpot.com/recipe/butter-chicken-murgh-makhani/

            https://recipes.instantpot.com/recipe/instant-pot-ribs-fall-off-the-bone-in-30-minutes/

            And I have been making cornbread for yea https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2015/06/02/my-favorite-cornbread/rs but this one is the best. My kids go crazy. I leave the honey out.

          • Instant Pot :

            Those look amazing, thank you!

    • Wanderlust :

      I have one and it is lifechangingly fantastic. You can take frozen chicken straight from the freezer and have shredded meat in front of you in less than 45 minutes. I also love it for steel cut oatmeal.

    • anon a mouse :

      I have one and use it regularly, but more for meal prep than weeknight meals. I make hardboiled eggs one evening, for example. Or I will make a whole batch of shredded chicken and freeze it to use in recipes later.

      (One exception is Nom Nom Paleo’s kale and carrots side dish, which I love and make all the time.)

      I like it, and it’s faster than traditional cooking, but be wary of recipes that say things like “only 10 minutes cook time!” because that’s 10 minutes AFTER it comes to pressure, which can take 10-15 minutes separately.

      • Too funny, yesterday I made a variation of the kale and carrots dish. My lunches this week are shredded chicken and roasted sweet potatoes over the kale side.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I find that it can be a lifesaver for weeknight cooking if I put in the time to prep all the components beforehand or I use it on weekend to prepare parts of a meal that I can then use all week. For example, I use the pressure cooker on weekends to cook beans in sub-45 minutes. I can then use those beans all week in other meals (add them to salads, top them with eggs, put them on toast, etc.).

      The model that I have has a delayed start for the pressure cooker, so I’ve used that and have come home to a pressure cooked meal that would have taken 45 minutes+ on the stove top. But again, I had to put in the time to prep all of the ingredients to make that worthwhile.

    • You may find this helpful: http://www.thekitchn.com/i-tried-the-instant-pot-and-didnt-love-it-what-am-i-missing-242961

    • Legally Brunette :

      I love my Instant Pot, and use it to make tons of vegetarian dishes. Lots of great Indian food (rajma, dal, chole, cumin rice) as well as different kinds of soups and bean dishes.

      For those of us who grew up using a pressure cooker, an IP is life changing because you don’t have to sit there and watch over it which I find the biggest help.

      For anyone who likes Indian food, there is a great FB group called Instant Pot for Indian Cooking with lots of great recipes.

    • Cat Lady In Training :

      I love mine! Honestly, I think it would be worth it just for the perfect boiled eggs. However, I use it for a lot of things, and it’s the easiest way I’ve found to cook spaghetti squash. It’s not a five minute miracle, because it takes time for the IP to come up to pressure, but it does free you from having to babysit whatever it is you are cooking. I get home from work, toss whatever we are eating in the IP, turn it on, change clothes, and take the dog for a walk or whatever. It’s AMAZING.

    • I find mine extremely useful and use it a lot for stews and soups and rice dishes (risottos, mujadara, etc). But if what you want is something that takes very little time, this isn’t what you’re looking for. Electric pressure cookers take very little _attention_, but they still take time and planning to produce good food. They produce it much faster than other methods but not necessarily actually fast. For example, chili in a pressure cooker takes me about an hour to make, including chopping, sauteing, and pressure cooking. About 15-20 minutes of that is active, the rest of it is the cooker doing it’s work. On the stove, chili takes me 2-4 hours (depending on how long I let it simmer), and requires my constant attention for about 30 minutes, and then intermittent attention for the remainder. It’s a time and attention saver but I can’t think of very many things I can make in it in only 15 minutes from start to finish.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Among those of you who love your instant pot, is there anybody cooking for just one or two? We don’t have a ton of freezer space and my husband isn’t a huge fan of leftovers (crazy, right?) so I worry about making big batches of things we’re not going to eat. Does the instant pot work for smaller portions?

      • Yes! I use my IP all the time for just me. I might get 2 or 3 portions out of it, but I would assume it would be great for a meal for 2-ish :-) Some things you need a minimum for (I think it’s 1 “cup” of liquid to bring it to pressure? so for rice this would limit you to 1:1, which is more than one serving, but…) but for meat etc that’s not an issue. You can also do the pot-in-pot method and do, say, chicken and rice at the same time.

        I have the 6 quart one, my roommate has a larger one, I think they go up to 8 or 10 quarts, so for smaller portions you may just need a smaller size.

      • Puddlejumper :

        I don’t think its worth it if you aren’t doing leftovers. I am only cooking for my husband and myself. I love it because of the batch cooking and leftovers. A well stocked freezer is my favorite thing ever because it means easy dinners and lunches in the future. Most of the recipes are written for potions of 6-8. It is possible to reduce things but it gets tricky when you have to factor in how much liquid and pressure time to alter recipes.

        Last week I made chicken pho on Monday in the instant pot. It called for a whole chicken to make the broth, but only needed half the chicken meat. I used 1/2 the chicken for the pho, 1/4 of the chicken meat for a thai chicken salad, and 1/4 of the chicken meat for chicken tacos.

      • I didn’t like leftovers until I started freezing extra portions and then using the oven (not microwave) to heat them up. It makes a big difference in taste.

        • Senior Attorney :

          I’m a giant leftovers lover but he prefers not to go the planned-leftovers route and I’m not inclined to push the issue. But I appreciate the tip!

      • I’m single and live alone. I typically cook 2-3 meals a week and eat leftovers, but I’m trying to be better about freezing portions so I can have more variety. I use my instant pot for at least one meal a week. I have the 6 quart size.

    • Anonymous :

      I have 4 recipes I make a lot and it would be worth it just for those alone.

      I make a batch of shredded chicken thighs (takes 15 minutes under pressure, about 25 minutes total) and then I flavor it with various different kinds of Trader Joe’s salsas or sauces throughout the week. I also make green lentils with veggies — I start with sauteing the mirepoix in the IP on “saute” function and then add the lentils and broth to cook. Then I have probably 6 meals worth of chicken and lentils and I just add one of Trader Joe’s greens mixes and I am all set.

      The other weeknight IP recipe I make a lot is Thai red curry chicken and it is SO GOOD — https://www.paintthekitchenred.com/instant-pot-thai-red-curry/. It’s quick enough for a weeknight. I don’t bother with the bamboo, I use Thai Kitchen red curry paste and dry kaffir lime leaves, I skipped the Thai basil, add baby zucchini if I have it around, and I use the frozen microwaveable Jasmine rice from Trader Joe’s (which turns out awesome). I often mix the real rice with some cauliflower rice for extra veggies.

      And this is now my favorite dinner party recipe — https://food52.com/blog/15270-genius-pork-shoulder-ragu-a-k-a-the-instant-dinner-party. It takes no prep time other than browning the pork shoulder in the IP. Then you get to leave it alone for 45 minutes while it cooks, and it comes out perfect. Serve over gnocchi (takes 2-3 minutes to cook) with some fresh parmesan on top.

    • I use ours several times a week even on only have 15 minutes type of days. On those days, I’ll throw in frozen chicken and a sauce or pasta and sauce and let them cook while I change. For me the convenience isn’t only the faster cooking time, but not having to watch the pot.

    • I adore the instant pot! I have two now. They are so fun and fast to cook with.

  3. LOVE those shoes! Would love a more affordable alternative.

    • I have these and love them if you are lucky enough to wear an 8:

      https://www.dillards.com/p/antonio-melani-caiti-mary-jane-pumps/506501108?di=04816337_zi_black&categoryId=607593&facetCache=pageSize%3D96%26beginIndex%3D0%26orderBy%3D1

  4. Neckline combo :

    Can I wear a polo shirt with a cardigan? The colors combine nicely and the fabric doesn’t bunch up, but the collars look funny to me. Is this a thing, or just a me thing?

    • Flats Only :

      I say yes if it’s a crew neck cardigan, not a v-neck. But super, super preppy look, in case that’s not what you’re going for.

  5. Living with a shoe eater :

    Puppy ate my Aquatalia Rumbah boots. I’m devastated–these were my treat to myself after passing the bar last year. I tried to buy another pair but they’re discontinued. Anyone have recs for how to find them or good substitutes? I originally bought the Rumbahs due to all the praise for them on this site!

  6. Dire Financial Straits :

    Through a series of unfortunate life circumstances 0utside of our control (health issues for my husband, which led to extended period of time off of work), as well as happpier, but also expensive and unexpected life events (baby number 4), I found myself having to return to work rather suddenly with the expectation that it would help us recover financially. However, after several years home, I started off rather low earning, as an independent contractor and with extremely high childcare expenses (4 kids, HCOL area, etc.). Basically, I was breaking even at best. I have now successfully gotten to where I am making a fair amount of money, although my child care expenses remain high. Despite this, we have not been able to get ourselves out of our financial hole. I have about $50k in cc debt and a credit score of about 680. Does anyone know if I can get a personal loan and how to go about it? I don’t want to hurt my credit further by applying for loans, but I feel like a credit card consolidation loan is my best option to get out from under this. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.

    • anon a mouse :

      Are you able to make the minimum payments? If you are not behind on anything, look for a balance transfer credit card with a long zero-percent interest period (but read the fine print, you usually have to pay off the entire balance by the end of the free period or you will owe interest for the entire duration). It’s also time to cut every. single. thing. that is not absolutely essential to your life until you get a handle on this. And possibly look into higher paying jobs or side work.

      • Could you do a combination of this + if the debt is unpaid at the end of the year get a consolidation loan at that point? It will save you a year’s worth of interest which at 50k is a pretty good chunk of change.

    • Anonymous :

      I think your best bet is actually making sure you know where every single dollar is going and making sure you are living as frugally as possible. A personal loan is just window dressing if you haven’t plugged the leaks.

      • Diana Barry :

        +1. You might read Mr. Money Mustache. They are really extreme on the frugal side, but you will definitely find ideas of things to cut that you “can’t live without”. Cable, cell phones, cars, etc.

        • Also Frugalwoods and Mad Fientist, if Mr. Money Mustache isn’t your cup of tea. All three have been helpful to me in different ways.

      • I also recommend YNAB (you need a budget). In addition to the software and the official YNAB resources, there is a good YNAB facebook group.

    • Pretty Primadonna :

      Best Egg or Lending Club.

    • Hugs.

    • We did this. We got a big loan from AmEx and a second big loan from another lender (don’t remember the name), paid off all our credit card debt, and are now paying off the loans. It really has been a game changer for us. The loans have to be paid off in 3 years and 5 years respectively, and we never would have managed to pay off our cc debt in that time. And it ended up being less money going out the door every month. Lower interest rates than the credit cards. Doing it actually bumped up our credit scores within a month because our big negative was how much we were carrying on credit cards. (We’ve also cancelled most of the paid off cards.) I know there are a ton of potential cons, and we debated this move for a long time, but FOR US, it has worked out.

    • I’m on team look into a consolidation loan, in addition to making sure that you will not continue to rack up debt. Getting out of 40k is not just a cut the cable bill amount of debt. The interest savings on a personal loan v. a credit card will really make a difference on the rate that you can pay it off. As far as where to look, I would check with your existing bank/credit union, or depending on your profession, SoFi is also a good options.

    • Only moderately related question. We had a long dischussion about FSA/HSAs last week. In a situation where someone’s debt is due to medical expenses, could *next year’s* HSA/FSA money be used to pay down something like an installment plan to a hospital for treatment that occurred in a prior year?

      This isn’t my situation but I was wondering if it might be a way to “finance” in a way some of these unexpected medical expenses that people have. Are HSA rules that the actual service must have occurred in the year of the funding (I think FSAs are, not positive).

      • FSA-lovah :

        I don’t think so. In 2017 I received a medical bill for a December 2016 appointment and tried to pay it with 2017 FSA money. It was denied.

      • You can do that with an HSA. I incurred all of my medical bills for my daughter in 2015 and I made monthly payments from my HSA (biweekly deposits from employer and out of my paycheck) until early 2017 to pay that off. Year of service doesn’t matter, just that it’s a qualified medical expense.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      I am sorry this is happening to you. I am not familiar with the loan issues, so I am not going to comment on that.
      But I am also a mother of four. You may have already evaluated this, but financial considerations concerning childcare become different when you have a bunch of kids. It was vastly less expensive (and of course more convenient) for us to hire a full-time live-out nanny than to have two little ones in day care and two grade schoolers in some kind of after-school care. It also let both my husband and I work full time instead of on a reduced schedule like we planned (i.e., more money).

  7. Thoughts to Think :

    discussion comes up around here about what can be done in raising children to improve gender roles, I thought this article brought up some interesting stuff. I’m childless now, but raising any kid makes me wonder how I can ‘do it right’ by society. Obviously, whatever we’ve been doing for decades up through now has not. been. working.

    http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_kids/2017/11/how_to_stop_sexism_and_raise_a_son_who_respects_women.html

    “One of Bigler’s studies found that when teachers seated students according to gender and verbally called out their genders (“Hey, boys” and “OK, girls” instead of just “Listen up, students”), they became more likely than other kids to believe gender stereotypes”

    interesting!

    • When I was in school, teachers would consistently ridicule groups of boys who were acting out by calling them “girls.” Wonder what the research says on that? /s

      • My (male) boss likes to use the phrase (with mostly male office) “Just between us girls…”

        • My (older male) boss has said that too. And didn’t notice the side eye from the two women in the meeting.

    • I’m being very deliberate in how I teach my preschool age daughter with consent, along the lines of these tips. https://cupofjo.com/2017/04/how-to-teach-kids-consent/

      • Anonymous :

        I have sons, and they are all being taught about consent, as well as rephrasing as a subtle update for archaic phrasing…Just between us, no gender reference required.

        Just between us people
        Just between us co-workers
        Just between us interns
        Just between us fire fighters
        Just between us postal workers
        Just between us officers
        Just between us soldiers

        And, “could we rephrase that to _____, and I’m in,” can bring people along.

  8. I’m looking for that perfect pair of suede ankle boots, preferably in taupe or grey. The Sole Society Romy seeks to fit the bill. Anyone have these and can speak to comfort level or recommend a different boot?

    • I ordered these and returned them — the heel was a bit too high to be comfortable, and there wasn’t amazing padding. I’m a wimp about height though.

    • Check out some of the Toms booties. I have the wedge lace-up ones in a couple colors and they are amazing – easy to wear all day comfortably. They have non-wedge/non-lace-up that I would assume are also comfy.

    • espresso bean :

      I love the Sole Society Vixen and got them in taupe. I added inserts because in general, Sole Society does not provide a ton of arch support, but with inserts, they’re great. I love them. Good luck!

  9. 10th anniversary is coming up but I’m still breastfeeding and have an infant and a toddler. DH and I talked about Europe, but I think it’s just too much given the kiddos. DH wants to go somewhere just the two of us, but I’m afraid I’ll miss the kids, plus the whole pumping regime and transporting/mailing milk would be a hassle. I’m leaning towards taking a short trip 4 days, maybe somewhere beach, but with the kids or alternatively just doing a day or weekend trip somewhere close by. Maybe we take a raincheck on a big European jaunt for our 15th.

    • Realized I forgot to ask… does anyone have advice in this regard? :-) Thoughts/experience appreciated.

      • Anon in NYC :

        How old is your infant?

        To be honest, all I wanted for our anniversary was to go away and not be Mommy for a weekend. We compromised with a night away (mostly just due to timing/life circumstances that made a full weekend impossible). It was SO WONDERFUL. It felt so nice to feel like an adult person not responsible for anyone else. I highly recommend it.

        • I have a 3 month old and a 23 month old. Anniversary is 3 months away. I do like the idea of getting away and it being just me and DH!

          • lawsuited :

            We recently left our 6 mo at his grandparents’ for the weekend and it was pretty clutch.

          • Anon in NYC :

            Maybe you can compromise with one night away for your anniversary, and then a bigger anniversary trip for once you’re done with nursing? Maybe next year, even though it’s not a milestone.

            btw – I totally get not wanting to have to pump for every nursing session on a longer trip, but an evening is doable. It sounds like your husband wants some time just the two of you!

    • Doesn’t Disney have good packages that will take care of your kids for you? I went on the Big Red Boat with my parents when I was a kid and had a blast… and so did they. Not sure if that’s an option with a baby but it might be worth looking into.

    • Where are you coming from and when will you be travelling? I think a weekend trip would be a nice compromise and would be doable with pumping.

      • In Houston. Anniversary is January.

        • A weekend in Belize would be fun that time of year and I wouldn’t think the flight would be too long. I’ve been thinking about planning something to Mexico City a lot recently too, but I’m not sure on the weather.

    • Not sure where you’re coming from or when you’re planning the trip for seasonally, but in similar circumstances next summer, we are likely going to Montreal or Quebec City from NY to get a bit of an Old World feel without taking the time to fly across an ocean.

    • Anonymous :

      Go away for 4 days! Pump before you go, supplement with formula, pump and dump while you’re there. Lisbon is a quick flight, or New Orleans is perfect for adult romance. Feed your marriage too.

    • Take a 4 day trip without your kids. You will miss them (but the most on the first day, less on the middle 2 days and you’ll be excited about seeing them again on the last day). The best thing you can do for your kids is maintain a strong relationship with your partner. I don’t see how you can have any kind of romantic vacation, or vacation at all, with your infant and toddler in tow.

      Re: breastfeeding logistics – I suggest you introduce formula once a day to get your LO used to it, then leave pumped breast milk and formula “just in case” with whomever you will be leaving your LO with. While you are on vacation, pump and dump just to keep up your supply rather than having to worry about sterilizing, storing, and transporting pumped breast milk back with you.

      • Completely agree. Your marriage is worth so much more to your children than breast milk.

        • That’s a really narrow way of looking at it. The lifetime of benefits from breastfeeding aren’t worth anything?

          • Not at all what she said. Taking 4 days off exclusive breastfeeding being okay does not mean there are no benefits to breastfeeding at all. Stop stirring up trouble and go hang out on a mommy blog instead.

          • There aren’t lifetime benefits at the 10 month mark or if there are they are like .0000001 percent style. The greatest benefit is in the first three months.

          • Sorry saw 10 year to be 10 months but still. This comment is ridiculous.

          • The “lifetime benefits of breastfeeding” have been way overblown by insecure competitive mommies who feel like breastfeeding gives them one over on moms who have made a different choice. Read the research. The benefits really only apply to the first three to six months of life. OPs baby is 10 months old. If she wants to keep breastfeeding that’s great – I did, until my baby was 14 months – but mom and baby will certainly survive a four-day anniversary trip. Please take your self-righteousness somewhere else, commenter.

          • And you cant separate out the “lifetime benefits” from breast milk from the “lifetime benefits” of being born to a financially secure, healthy, educated woman with access to adequate medical care. And that’s the demographic that is the most likely to EBF their kids. Because (sweeping generalization) they are the ones who are privileged enough to be able to do it. SHOCKINGLY their kids do better than everyone else’s. Must be that milk.

          • Show me a study about the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding over a mix of breastfeeding and formula, especially for a short time period and especially after the first few months of life. I don’t think there is one.
            It’s pretty clear that breastmilk provides some health benefits formula doesn’t, but if your baby is getting 50-50 milk and formula, s/he’s getting the benefits of breastmilk. It’s not like formula is poison, it’s that breastmilk has special nutrients and antibodies that formula does not. But if you are giving your baby a mix of both, your baby is largely getting the benefits of breastmilk. Also, this trip is *four days*. So long as she maintains her supply and doesn’t quit nursing altogether, even feeding 100% formula while she’s gone is going to have zero effect on her baby’s long-term health.

          • OMG that’s not at all what she said and you know it.

          • Never too many shoes... :

            Sorry, lady, I think you have mistaken this site for mothering.com.

    • Why wait until your 15th? I’d take a short weekend getaway now and then do a couples trip to Europe as soon as you’re done nursing your infant, assuming finances are not a concern. It can still be a big trip to celebrate your 10th anniversary even if it’s a year or two from now.

    • How long till you plan to wean? If it were me, the pumping etc. logistics would make this more of a pain than it was worth. I’d go out for a nice dinner–and possibly a night overnight at a hotel–for the actual anniversary, and do a rain check for the trip a few months from now (or whenever you plan to stop nursing).

      • Diana Barry :

        +1. We also had our 10th at that time and took a weekend trip later. I hated traveling, pumping, etc., and was very invested in bfeeding so traveling right at our anniversary didn’t work.

        • Maddie Ross :

          +1 on being flexible now and saving the trip for a bit later. I was hugely pregnant on our 10 year anniversary and still bf-ing this year on our 11th. We did a nice dinner out both times. We are going away for our 12th next year (who cares that it’s not a “milestone”). It just fits better with our life schedule. I think traveling while nursing – specifically without the infant – is such a drag. Dragging the pump. Taking time to do it. Plus I am not my best self while I’m nursing. There’s no shame in waiting if that’s what’s best for you.

    • Go, go, go!! Go to Europe. With the caveat being that I wasn’t breastfeeding, my husband and I have taken multiple trips away from our toddler/infant. One in particular being ten days in China. It was so nice to reconnect with my husband and rekindle our love for wandering, adventurous eating, and stepping out of our comfort zone.

      Also, our kids had the best time with their grandparents while we were gone. It made me so happy to see all the excited preparations my parents made as they went all out to provide all the comforts of a home away from home.

    • We took a five day trip to Mexico when my son was around 9 months. I pumped on the trip and yeah, it was a drag – but was the trip worth it? HECK YES. I actually brought my milk home with me, too, but that’s not necessary. I brought my manual for quick pumps on the plane and in the airport and pumped with the electric pump in the resort. A resort vacation worked well for this because there was a fridge in the room and the kitchen froze my milk. I definitely would have pumped and dumped if we weren’t in a resort. A resort vacation was also awesome for pumping because I would just walk up from the pool, pump, and go back down. It would require more logistics for a non-resort vacation, but doable. Frankly, I had never done a resort before, but we chose it because we didn’t have to think at all about planning – we just went, had fun, ate and drank there, and just relaxed and gardened. DO IT!

    • We didn’t go away alone while our daughter was still nursing/in diapers, but it was more because the grandparents were very reluctant to take on that level of care, and preferred to wait until she was older before they took her for more than an evening. If we’d had grandparents willing to watch her for longer at a young age, we would have taken advantage of it and I would have pumped and dumped as others suggested. Four days of formula is nothing, especially when you are talking about a baby who has been/will be fed breastmilk for a year or more. We did do several beach trips with our daughter in her infant/toddler years and while I would say they were pretty relaxing (thanks to getting a condo right on the beach and having literally nothing on the agenda except enjoying the view, eating and going for occasional dips in the ocean), they were not really romantic because we were all in one room and were with our daughter 24/7. And Europe with kids is fun, but not relaxing at all.

    • There are a number of companies now that help coordinate mailing milk – the target audience is business travelers but could be useful for a vacation, too!

  10. Anyone having sizing recommendations for Uniqlo’s heattech stuff? I’m looking for baselayers to wear under sweaters and various tops to save on the itch factor and these seem to fit the bill. But I have no idea how the sizing runs. Halp!

    • Smaller than US brands, in my experience.

    • I found the shirts ran a bit small and bottoms true to size or even a little big. I wear a small in all the leggings and a medium in all tops.

      • Also this is just for the heattech line – regular blouses and tees I wear a small and that is true to size

    • I wear an XS or S in Uniqlo bottoms and S in Uniqlo tops, sweaters and coats, and am typically an XS in Loft, BR and similar.

    • Uniqlo runs small (except for all their weirdly oversized tops) but the size chart is helpful – look at the measurements.

    • They run small. I am petite and rather “small boned” everything fits off the rack.
      Their tops have regular length as in the sleeves and are long on me so would be normal on regular height.
      Their bottoms fit me right so they would be short on a non-petite person

    • anon a mouse :

      Buy your normal size if you want to wear it as a true underlayer – it will fit very close, but that’s probably what you want. For example, I have a heattech shirt that I wear under sweaters. I wanted another one to wear as a top under suits, and I went up one size so it wasn’t skin tight.

  11. Is there a thing such as great slippers with arch support? I’ve been wearing the LL Bean wicked good slippers for years (and love them), but I need to either wear inserts (which is no fun in fuzzy slippers) or get new slippers with arch support. I assume this is some sort of unicorn, and I should just do inserts, but thought I’d ask.

    That said, should I invent fuzzy inserts for people who love warm slippers but have bad feet??

    • I'm Just Me .... :

      Vionic makes slippers

    • Flats Only :

      I think there are birkenstocks with a fuzzy inside. They should have the supportive insole under the soft fuzz.

      • I have those! They’re wonderful. I was going to get Vionics, but the Vionics were a bit narrow.

    • You can get sheepskin insoles

    • I feel your pain, being someone who now wears Crocs around the house at all times, because doing that has completely cured my plantar fasciitis. They are hideous, but I am seriously thinking of splurging on fleece-lined Crocs. I know they exist, but can’t remember where I saw them (Amazon? Zappos?).

      I miss my fleece-lined sheepskin moccasin slippers so much.

      • I have fleece-lined crocs as slippers both at home and at work (for under the desk only), and they are great. I don’t need socks with them.

      • My mom has plantar fasciitis and I got her the sheepskin lined Crocs for Christmas one year. Either on Amazon or Zappos, can’t remember which. She loves them.

    • Thanks, everyone – this is so great. I didn’t realize there was so many options.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Heads up though – the Vionics are pricey. $70-$80 for a pair of slippers feels more ridiculous to me than $200 for a pair of shoes for some reason.

        • I think worth it for me. Podiatrist and PT have basically said I should never be barefoot, and I have reynaud’s, so I’m used to going all in on quality slippers. I will probably be wearing these more than any pair of actual shoes I own, so I’m willing to pay. I wear out Bean’s Wicked Good slippers every 2-3 years with how much I wear them.

    • Minnie Beebe :

      I wear either Birkenstock sandals (summer) or felt Haflinger clogs (winter) around the house at all times. They are both supportive. They’re not slippers, in the traditional sense, but regular slippers are nowhere near supportive for me.

  12. Therapist Credentials :

    When looking for a therapist, is the kind of degree they have important? Should I look for a PsyD over an LPC or MSW because they have more and/or different kinds of training? Does it not matter as long as I click with the person?

    FWIW I’m looking for regular talk therapy regarding anxiety and depression and general life malaise.

    • therapy answer :

      It doesn’t matter unless you think you may need medication, in which case a psychiatrist can do that for you (though your PCP can sometimes as well). For general talk therapy it matters more if you click with the person.

      • +1. In terms of talk therapy, studies show no difference in outcomes or effectiveness relating to the degree held.

      • +1 clicking with the person is what matters most. Because of various moves, I did probably 4-5 therapy stints in a 3 year period with different providers and the stint that was most effective for me was actually with a PsyD grad student who was still in school. They just *got* me for lack of a better term and were able to quickly identify issues that other providers totally missed.

      • once you’re seeing a general talk therapist, in my experience they usually have relationships with psychiatrists and can help you get necessary medications with a minimum of fuss

    • I’ve done both and prefer LPC/MSW personally. The PsychD’s take everything so seriously – maybe liability issues? Not sure, and in my experience they are pushy about medication. That’s just my experience though. Try a few out and see what you like.

  13. Therapist 2 :

    NYC folks – anyone have a recommendation for a therapist, pref. on the upper east side or conveniently located to UES? Looking for someone to help with some negative thought patterns that have cropped up, not interested in someone who’ll push meds. TIA!!

  14. Anonymous :

    I work at legal aid in fundraising, and I’m trying to streamline and reinvigorate a “Friends of XYZ Legal Aid” group that I inherited from my predecessor.

    Would you rather (A) donate a larger sum once a year to become a Friend of XYZ Legal Aid?
    (B) donate smaller amounts monthly?
    (C) directly volunteer to help with event(s)?

    We have folks doing all 3, and I think it is confusing when we try to recruit new supporters.

    • I think 1 and 2 have to both options. I would prefer to give one large donation once a year, but fully understand why 2 has to be an option. And everywhere I donate has both of those options.

      3 is a little different. I don’t see it being a problem, but if you wanted to simplify, that is what I would. Cut. The downside is that you risk losing some of your volunteer, how much do you need them?

      • Anon for this :

        Do the volunteers staff clinics or do some non-legal work? If it is the former, I would not cut that and instead try to make all three options work.

    • Would it make sense to group A and B together (pay x amount, either yearly or monthly) so that there are only 2 options? If the amount in A and B are the same, it’s really just providing two payment options. I agree you need both payment options but I would hesitate to get rid of C as many organizations really need volunteers as well as funds.

    • As a fundraiser, I think C is meeting a different need than A and B for the donor. Ideally you want a program that is moving everyone towards giving $, and moving everyone towards giving more. So volunteering time can be an option but you want those people to also give money (unless their time is really valuable to you, which I can see how it might be if they are highly skilled – that kind of volunteer is rare in my line of nonprofit work). But I think having C be a separate program might be helpful since it has such a different audience and needs. I would maintain both A and B since that shouldn’t make your life much harder, it’s just 2 different payment plans.

    • I think you should keep all three options, because different people are going to want different things. Don’t shut out potential funders or volunteers by offering only one way to be involved.

    • Maybe create a different program for financial supports and for volunteers, since those are really two different needs that they are serving. But if that is too much additional work for you, just leave the current options

  15. Anon for this :

    Feeling the job search blues today.
    I had an interview 10 days ago at one org two weeks ago and a second interview at another org last week. There are only so many jobs to apply to right now, so I am feeling sort of blah and useless. I am just anxious for either org to call me.

  16. Thoughts on whether it’s possible to be friends with someone you managed in the past? So not someone who currently reports to you but used to. Would it always be a bit of a boss-subordinate relationship, especially assuming that person stays very much junior to you?

    • Do you still work at the same place?

      • Also were you friends previously (like maybe before you were promoted)? I think that would be much easier than if you were always their manager.

    • It is NOT clear to me whether the “friendship” you mention is between you and a MAN or a WOMAN. The dynamic changes significantly if it is a MAN. In that case, please think twice, b/c if he USED to report to you, and now does NOT, then he may think that he can establish a NON-PLATANIC relationship with you, when this is NOT what you want. If it IS what you want, also be careful b/c he could get mad if you broke up and then claim that when he DID report to you that you had design’s on him and it affected the work relationship.

      It is much easier if it is a WOMAN. You can be friend’s with her, again as long as it is PLATANIC. Thing”s get complicated very quickly when the issue becomes $exueal, in either case (Male or Female). Best of luck to you as you try to NAVIGATE in and through these muddy water’s. FOOEY!

    • Definitely possible. I had a close friend apply for a job in my group. After org changes, she ended up reporting to me. She was an A+ employee and we conquered our corner of corporate America together. When personal reasons were pulling her to relocate in a different part of the country, I assisted in securing an internal transfer for her. A few years later, she’s no longer with our company and we’re still as close as we ever were.

    • Yes, I am still good friends with 2 people who were my direct reports. One of them was even not a high performer!

      • Could you say more please? Did you have to explicitly separate it into “employee who gets by” and “friend I like” in your head? I feel like the power dynamic would be iffy if the more junior employee isn’t a high performer.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Definitely. I was best friends with my former assistant for years after I left my law firm. It ended badly but I don’t think that had anything to do with the former boss-employee relationship.

    • Not a big issue from my perspective. I’m friends with my first boss from a law firm, and also friends with my former secretary.

    • Yes – I was the “very much junior” person: one of my most treasured relationships is with a former boss. She is ~30 years older than me and feels like a favorite aunt to me. Sometimes functions in a professional mentoring role but more often is just a really great and wise friend.

    • My best friend is someone I directly hired and managed for five years. I didn’t know her at all before hiring her. We became casual friends while working together and then very close once we moved on from working together.

  17. Toddler Diabetes :

    Please help me not to panic. We just learned that our 15-months old toddler has type 1 diabetes. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

    • Breath. You will all be okay. It will be hard, it will be an adjustment, and it will be okay. You’ve got this.

    • Breathe. It will be tough, but okay. And, there’s so much hope out there about T1D. I was literally at a JDRF gala on Saturday night, and the amount of progress and research and support out there, well it’s pretty incredible.

      • Anony Mouse :

        +1 My brother, now 26, has T1D and it’s amazing how much progress has been made since his diagnosis. He’ll have an artificial pancreas by the end of the year, which seemed a space-age dream when he was a kid.

        Echoing what everyone else has said, breathe, take it a day at a time. Your toddler is going to be okay, and you’re going to be okay, too.

      • Yes yes yes. There have been amazing strides made, and I know two 30-somethings with T1 that are doing just fine. We have a Supreme Court Justice (Sotomayor) with T1! It takes a lot of vigilance and education, so it’s not easy, but in all likelihood your kiddo will be fine.

      • Anonymous :

        My nephew, who is 30, was diagnosed when he was about six. He has and is leading a full and happy life, including teaching English in Thailand for a year, completing graduate school and working in a career which involves extensive work travel. As everyone else says, it’s not easy, but you and your child can manage and thrive.

    • Former Retail :

      It will be okay. One of my kids was diagnosed with severe food allergies at 13 months. While that’s not the same, know that 1) you are in shock now, that feeling won’t last forever and 2) you can control your child’s food and medication at this age, and he/she will grow up knowing no different. Find an online parents’ support group. That is essential for finding resources – and venting to a sympathetic audience.

    • Breathe. It will be okay. This is not a sentence, this is just a thing that your family has to adjust to. Your life is going to be different, but it’s still your same kid who melts your heart and loves you and needs your love.

      The next few months are going to be hard, and feel overwhelming, as you figure out the right bg levels and the right technology to help you and educate the different people in your kid’s life. You will get through it and do the best for your kid. Hugs.

    • Perhaps a comforting anecdote will help? My stepdad and his two brothers are all type one diabetics who are in their 60s living very active, healthy lives. My stepdad was medically forced to stop playing recreational hockey with 20-somethings a few years ago, but only because of too many concussions. All three brothers spent their summers at a camp for diabetic kids, which they loved and have great memories of.

      • +1 to the camps

        My friend’s daughter is T1 and has loved them. The daughter is now old enough to do group fundraising for JDRF and is very attuned to science and research into endocrinology, T1D-focused. She is such an inpiration to me (I have a child with an encodrine condition that’s not T1D).

      • More comforting anecdotes: one of my best friends is a T1 diabetic, and she’s a kick-butt general counsel with two awesome kids and we meet up annually for fabulous international girls’ trips. Yes, she has to bring supplies to manage her diabetes on our trips, but that’s never stopped her from going to all kinds of cool and adventurous places.

      • My friend works on a podcast called Beta Cell about folks living with T1D — lots of inspiring stories there, if you’d like to check it out. He has had T1D since he was 11 and he’s an awesome documentary filmmaker who runs marathons.

        Also, Disney has a website that discusses T1D for kids — https://www.t1everydaymagic.com/

    • Another comforting story–my son was diagnosed at age 12. He’s now nearly 37 and doing really well. He’s not using the pump but that’s because his compliance is so good that his endocrinologist said he wouldn’t really gain anything by using one.

      And I’ll third/fourth/whatever the camps.Those helped so much.

      And finally, as our nurse educator said when he was first diagnosed, he has diabetes but diabetes doesn’t have to have him. At the time, that sounded really trite to me, but it was true.

    • Another hopeful story :

      My dad was a T1 diabetic and he is doing well at 70! I say *was* because he received a double organ transplant (kidney and pancreas) in 2008 and he is setting new records for how well someone can thrive after that major surgery.

    • It will be OK. I was diagnosed with T1 at age 4 and honestly, I think it helped that I didn’t remember NOT having to think about carbs, insulin, etc. It was just normal to me. The biggest recommendation I can make is to find a camp for kids with T1 – it made a world of difference for me, especially in the pre teen years where it’s easy to feel like an outsider and “no one else is like me.”

      For what it’s worth – I went to a prestigious college across the country from where I grew up on a full-tuition academic scholarship, lived in Europe for 5 months, spent a year in a job travelling 60% — there is NO limit to what your kid can do just because they have T1D, sometimes it just requires more thought and planning.

  18. feeling so sad and angry :

    Every time yet another mass shooting happens I fantasize about packing up and moving out of the US. No country is perfect, of course, but this type of senseless and entirely preventable death leads me feeling so helpless. I can rationalize being murdered from a natural disaster but this? WHY?????? This makes me sick to my stomach. Feel so much sadness for the state of affairs in this country.

    • You are not alone. I really don’t enjoy going to movies anymore or being in crowded areas because I’m slightly on edge of any sudden noises or movements and aware of exit strategies (which I guess is not the worst thing). I fear even more for kids, though – for my nieces and nephews and the kids we hope to have some day. After Sandy Hook, I felt there was no turning back and I sadly still think so. A reporter was killed on live TV and we still chug along. You really start to realize how we are all sitting ducks.

      • I went to the movies this weekend, and noted where all the exits were and what type of gymnastics would be required to jump the barriers between the rows. The worst for me is when I’m out in public with my 2.5 year old, because I’m so busy making sure she doesn’t run in front of normal drivers that I don’t have the bandwidth to watch out for terrorists driving trucks through crowds.

        • Anonymous :

          I literally thought about this in church yesterday, before I’d even heard the news from Texas. The fact that the thought even occurred to me in church seemed disturbing to me at the time, but not so unfounded a fear, as it turns out.

          I have young kids and sometimes I think about how I would probably die trying to protect them in a situation like this, because I certainly wouldn’t be able to escape while carrying/herding them, and I can’t imagine picking up just one and leaving the others to fend for themselves. I’d have to just throw them on the ground, cover them, and hope that we were lucky. Realistically, I know that the odds of us being victims of a mass shooting are very small, but it’s hard when these things are in the news so frequently.

    • What made my head explode was the Fox News commentator who suggested that the solution to this incident is to post an armed guard at the entrance to every church. I can’t even. I don’t want to live in that country. Just no.

      • Trump basically said the same: “thank god there was someone else with a gun there” … Yes, I’m sure all those dead people and their loved ones are comforted by that.

        • Not to mention that gun control legislation doesn’t have anything to do with the neighbor with a shot gun. He’s fine. New legislation is all targeted at the crazy guy with a powerful weapon, endless ammunition and a history of violence.

        • I’m so sick of the whole argument of “the answer to mass shootings is more guns.” No no no no no. The bands at the shooting in Las Vegas had guns and couldn’t use them. The person with a gun in this latest shooting didn’t stop 26 people from dying. Guns are not the answer; guns are the problem.

          Although, I really don’t understand why the FBI isn’t profiling these loser white guys who are angry, hostile and violent. If there’s a pattern to these high-count mass shootings, it’s that. You know those guys are hanging out online somewhere, talking about this before they do it.

          • Linda from HR :

            Yup.

            I dated a guy in high school who was angry, hostile, and abusive, and I wouldn’t be surprised if one day he was in the news for charging into a school or church or Target or something and shooting a bunch of people because, I dunno, his mom yelled at him or his fiancee of the month left him or God knows what else. I don’t want to be that person giving a quote to the press about how I always knew he’d do it, but what could I possibly do about it now?

        • Yes. If that armed passerby prevented more deaths, I’m glad for it. But I don’t think the “good guy with a gun” argument holds water, in general, and it’s unfortunate this is going to be a new case all those advocates hold up.

          Goes without saying that my thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their loved ones, and all of us who have to deal with living in a country where this is not even surprising anymore.

      • Honestly, armed guards and metal detectors everywhere would make me feel a lot safer than I do now (although I am white and totally understand why POC would not be comfortable with more armed police). I do NOT think the solution is more individual citizens carrying guns, and think that’s totally different than having armed guards everywhere, because many individuals don’t have the right training and will do more harm than good with a gun, even with the best intentions. E.g., I know someone who has a gun for home defense and despite taking a lot of firearm safety classes, he accidentally shot his son when his son came home really late one night, because he thought the son was an intruder. Thankfully the injury was really minor and everyone was fine, but there are definitely cases where it doesn’t turn out ok.

        • How much training do you really think the $10 an hour security guard is really getting? And think of how many we would need to cover all churches, movie theaters, etc. We already have so many complaints that police officers are not sufficiently trained, this would just drastically increase those problems. Those are not, and will never be, enough highly trained security guards for that, especially since most of them will get paid horrible wages.

          (I don’t think that all armed security guards are badly trained, just some. But if we were to drastically increase the number of armed security guards, I do think a vast majority of the new guards would be horrible trained)

          • And this guy was an (unarmed) security guard at a water park. So not only do you have to worry about whether they’re properly trained, but also whether they are properly screened!

          • Even trained professionals don’t shoot like they’re in a movie. That is such a myth! There was a shooting in NYC a few years back and two police officers got the bad guy but also grazed a number of civilians. It’s not easy to shoot someone and not miss, esp. in a crowd or in the dark, etc.

      • Senior Attorney :

        And also? Super not happy with disgruntled white men right nowl.

        • Linda from HR :

          Just yesterday I wondered what my brain could be capable of if I wasn’t constantly worried about making some man angry. Or maybe more accurately, making a man who’s already dealing with constant anger festering under the surface explode at me over something small, like walking past him towards a train door or asking him to please go to the back of the line, or not wanting to dance with him. I’ve had too many bad experiences, both with guys I knew and total strangers, and honestly most men scare me.

        • Senior Attorney :

          Yeah it’s that old chestnut about how men are afraid women will laugh at them and women are afraid men will kill them.

    • Linda from HR :

      You’re not alone. I don’t want to pack up and leave, but my heart hurts. I hate how we live in a world where you are never safe from senseless gun violence – at work, in school, in church, in your own home. We live in a world where an angry man can pick up a gun and murder innocent people because he didn’t get what he wanted in life and he feels this is how to get revenge on the world for denying him the pathways to happiness and success he was entitled to at birth. We live in a world where the people who have the power to do something that might help prevent these tragedies refuse to do anything except think and pray.

      • +a million to your last sentence. We have faith leaders for prayers. Politicians are supposed to DO SOMETHING. And I am so fing sick and tired of tweeted platitudes of ‘thoughts and prayers’ and nothing else from the only people that can actually do something.

        • Spirograph :

          + a million from me, too. I heard I quote from Trump this morning to the effect of, “this is a mental health issue, that’s just how I see it. it has nothing to do with guns”

          While I 100% agree that better access to mental health care would be A Good Thing in society, the implication that it would solve gun violence like this boggles my mind. Disaffected people with mental health problems exist everywhere, but if they don’t have access to an assault weapon, they can’t kill dozens of people in a few minutes. This is not “misuse” of a gun. The gun did exactly what it was designed to do. I hate that so many politicians are in favor of maximizing access to tools for killing, and I just fundamentally do not understand how they are able to rationalize that position.

          • anonymous :

            That whole comment made me scream. As if Trump’s healthcare plan wasn’t to strip all care INCLUDING MENTAL ISSUES HEALTHCARE from all of us, including most especially the poorest among us.

    • Anon Midwest :

      100% agree. And so sick of the “thoughts and prayers” with zero action. Might I encourage you to look into getting involved with your local chapter of Everytown for Gun Safety? https://everytown.org/, or, if it speaks to you, https://momsdemandaction.org/ (you don’t need to be a mom). I got involved with my local chapter after Las Vegas and I am galvanized by the idea that I am now meeting regularly with a group of like-minded folks who are determined to take action. My understanding thus far is that that action can be whatever you want it to be (letter-writing, calling reps, lobbying your state and federal representatives, educating kids and other groups). Hugs.

  19. Looking for Dirty Santa ideas with a $25 price limit. Goal is to have the perfect gift everyone wants to steal, rather than a white elephant gift that is funny but useless. GO!

    • anon a mouse :

      I’m probably giving a Maxine Waters “Reclaiming my time” mug.

      A friend said she was going to give a squatty potty (but that’s probably in your second category more than the first).

    • Most stolen gift at our office is almost always a bottle of wine. If that’s too blah or otherwise not doable, I remember one year when everyone was fascinated with a commuter coffee cup.

    • Lottery tickets or wine. Although you never know what will be a hit – one year, people were obsessed with this random pair of funny socks.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Depends on your group. My group is strongly inappropriate, and the most coveted items for the past two years were the latex horse head mask, a box of fancy chocolates, a unicorn pinata filled with glitter unicorn poo, and a set of toilet-bowl shot glasses. Your group may be classier than mine.

    • “This meeting is bull$hit” socks from blue q (available on amazon for $12) have gotten me through some rough days.

    • lawsuited :

      S’well water bottles (although with your price range it would need to be a S’ip water bottle) were the most stolen items at our party last year. The year before that the most stolen item was a faux fur trapper hat, so go figure.

  20. Is it terribly tacky to buy yourself a “push present”? I despise that term and my husband is a really terrible gift-giver, but I’d like to have something to commemorate the birth of our first child. I’m not talking about an expensive piece of jewelry – I’m looking at affordable ($50-100) necklaces on Etsy with initials and birthstones that would be a nice reminder of her when I go back to work. But I’m a little hesitant to do it, because I feel like people will say “Oh did your husband give you that, that’s so sweet!” and I’ll have to either lie or fess up that, no, I just straight up bought myself a push present.

    • Just don’t call it a push present, which is a totally made up thing. You are buying something to commemorate your new baby. There’s nothing weird about buying it for yourself. And I highly doubt people will ask if your husband gave it to you? That seems weird.

      • +1

      • Senior Attorney :

        This. You can say “I picked it out for myself!” which slightly glosses over who the gift is from.

        In fact, you can say “Dear, you are giving me a present and here’s the link on Etsy.” That’s what I would do, I think.

      • I hate the term “push present” so, so, so much. It makes me want to vomit and punch someone in the nose at the same time. Blech.

    • My best friend gave me one of these necklaces and not one person has ever asked me where it came from.
      FWIW, it was immensely comforting to me when I went back to work so I say get it!

      • I gave my bff a necklace with her, her husband, and her son’s birthstones and little leaves pressed with each of their initials to commemorate her son’s birth. Do it!!

    • No one cares that much

    • I just bought myself a similar necklace as a birthday present so I don’t think so. I don’t think this is necessary a push present, just a necklace you wanted and bought.

    • If someone does ask that, why not just say “Thanks!” and move on to talking about the baby or something else.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      You can commemorate the birth of your child in whatever way you want, and that includes whatever type of jewels that you may wish! Full disclosure, I bought diamond hoops when my son was born as a reward for not murdering anyone when I was on bed rest for 12 weeks.

      If anyone asks who bought it for you (and eww, to anyone that does that), perhaps singing a few choruses of Independent Women or Who Run the World will shame them into shutting up…
      How we’re smart enough to make these millions
      Strong enough to bear the children (children)
      Then get back to business

    • I hate the term ‘push present’, so just say it’s something meaningful you bought as a reminder of your child. I think that’s a sweet idea anyway. Some people get tattoos to commemorate the birth of their children, some people buy themselves jewelry.

    • If it’s in your personal budget, then the “push present” side of this doesn’t matter. Just get yourself a necklace because you want to get yourself a necklace. I buy myself random little pieces of jewelry all the time and no one even notices, must less comments that it must have been a gift of any kind from anyone but myself.

    • Anonymous :

      Buy it. And then buy yourself a gift every single year on your kid’s birthday. And if you don’t get mother’s day gifts from your husband…buy one yourself! They don’t have to be elaborate, but you definitely deserve to celebrate those milestones in some way, and if an annual piece of jewelry does it for you, fantastic.

    • lawsuited :

      It’s not tacky to buy yourself a necklace. People who point at stuff you’re wearing and ask who bought them are tacky.

    • I bought one of those for a friend/colleague with her child’s initial on a pendant, plus a pearl pendant. I later bought her the one for her second child. It’s really pretty and I doubt if anyone would even ask who bought it.

  21. I have what appears to be a very significant family history of heart disease. I personally have always maintained excellent eating habits, I’m a long distance runner, etc, and I’m 30 years old. If you were me, is there anything you’d look into screening-wise to make sure my family’s fate doesn’t become mine? I have all the normal things checked- cholesterol, blood pressure etc. and they’re all good. anything else you would think about moving forward?

    And yes, I know I should ask a doctor. I don’t have a primary care doc and am looking for one. Just thought I’d crowd source it anyway.

    • What type of heart disease do family members have? If they have things related to high cholesterol/BP and yours are regularly checked and good and you exercise and watch your diet, I think that’s all you can do; just find a PCP so you can keep up with screenings on somewhat of a regular basis. If they have things that are more complicated — say valve problems or whatever — then of course you need to be seen by a dr. bc those are less “watch your diet” types of issues.

    • Just that seeing your doctor regularly is the most important thing you can do.

    • I’m pretty much you and I get my cholesterol checked every once in a while and keep tabs on my blood pressure during normal doctors visits. I think knowing your baseline cholesterol levels when you’re young and healthy is good so you can monitor if it changes over time.

    • If your cholesterol becomes a problem there are dietary changes you can make. Otherwise, I think you’re doing everything I would do (including finding a doctor).

    • Do you mean a family history of heart attacks / coronary heart disease? Women as well as men?

      Yup, get a doctor. You need to have someone monitoring your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar.

      We have a ton of heart disease on my father’s side of the family. Everyone hit but my father, who is now 75. This is because my father doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, gets a bit of exercise, eats decent (so you don’t need to be crazy on exercise and eating) and keeps careful tabs on blood pressure/cholesterol/blood sugar. His other family members didn’t do these things. He is on low doses of blood pressure and cholesterol lowering meds that he has been on since his 30’s.

      You can’t change genetics. But you certainly can change outcomes.

      • The answer to this depends so much on WHY you have a family history of heart disease. I do as well – but it is easily tied to smoking, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and general poor health choices. Some people however have a history tied to certain genetic syndromes whose primary symptom is sudden death. (Which obviously does not lend itself to diagnosis and treatment.)

        If apparently healthy family members die young from sudden cardiac events, I would strongly recommend a visit to a good cardiologist who can run tests such as an ECG and/or stress test, suggest potential genetic testing, and advise you about potential diagnoses and preventative measures.

        • Thanks for this. We do have a sudden death situation going on. Not everyone, but enough to concern me. I’ll do the things you suggest here.

    • I insisted on having a baseline EKG done at my last annual physical so it would be on file when/if something happened to me. My able-bodied, triathlete sister had a significant heart episode 18 months ago at 33 years old which revealed a previously dormant severe cardiac condition. In the ER, the only reason they could act quickly and make informed decisions in the moment was because she had a baseline EKG on file from about a decade earlier – it revealed an incredibly slight abnormality in her rhythm, which when compared to the real-time, incredibly irregular heart rhythm helped them figure out a course of care far sooner than if they hadn’t had that baseline.

      Other than that, see your doctor. Continue to talk to your doctor about it and raise it as an ongoing concern. As long as it’s at the front of my mind, it’ll be at the front of my PCPs.

    • I guess I’m most concerned because I had a parent die suddenly of a heart attack in their early 60s. This parent had always been extremely healthy, marathon runner, vegetarian, never smoked etc. They had done all the usual screenings and everything came back normal with no signs of any trouble. Most of my older family members have issues with heart disease and have varying degrees of (un)healthy habits, but the parent thing makes me concerned that it may not be so easily avoidable based on good habits alone.

      Thanks for the responses. I’ll consider the baseline EKG and get a doctor, of course

  22. Does anyone know what’s going on with J. Crew’s suiting? Specifically, the Super 120s? The selection is very limited, which makes me worry that they’re discontinuing it.

    • givemyregards :

      I have no idea, but the super 120s suiting makes up the vast majority of my work closet, so I’m really hoping that’s not the case.

  23. Job Hopping Advice :

    Hoping for some guidance from the hive here. About a year ago, I moved back to the medium-sized city I grew up in after 7 years in BigLaw. The new job is not a great fit for a variety of reasons, but I saw a posting for something this weekend that looks like a much better match.

    I’m planning to apply for it, but I’m wondering if I should say something in my cover letter acknowledging the fact that I’ve been in my current job for less than a year. I’m totally prepared to explain in an interview why I’m looking to make the change (basically, I miss using certain legal skills that I had acquired over the years, as my current role is less legal and more business-related). Do I wait for the interview to explain? Or should I mention it right off the bat in the cover letter?

    • I would wait for the interview and make it less negative. You *love* learning the new business skills in the new location and appreciate the perspective that it’s provided. That experience has focused your career and you now know that want to develop additional skills and pursue X legal area.

    • givemyregards :

      I usually say one line in the cover letter to the effect of “I’ve really enjoyed learning about ______ but am looking to get back to doing ______ work, which….” Just to give them a short reason why you’re looking to leave, so they’re not wondering.

    • So, you have had one long job and one short job post-law school? I wouldn’t worry about it. Have an answer ready for the interview, but I would not address it in the cover letter

  24. Any Instagram experts out there? I have 2 accounts; each one is devoted to a different subject, but there might be some overlap. Is is possible to put something in my bio to point people from one account to the other? For example, if I put something like “follow me for [hobby] @ [name of other account]” will that be clickable?

    • Yes, it’s clickable. Your bio is pretty space-limited, so I’ve seen a lot of people do something like:
      “Also @XYZ (travel), @ABC (fashion)”

    • The only thing that is clickable is what you enter under “website” when you edit your profile. You can list your other handle in your bio but it is not clickable.

      • It’s a combination of what the previous two Anons said haha. It’s clickable if someone is viewing your Insta profile on the web, but not if someone is viewing it in the app.

      • If you want to add more links in the bio, there’s an app called linktree that will let you post multiple links

  25. How does one prepare for possible divorce? Husband and I informally separated this weekend – same house, different bedrooms – and have a therapy appointment this week, but I’m not sure we can salvage this. Any advice for things to start thinking about as we try and figure out what comes next? I don’t know where to start.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Get your hands on as much cash as you can. You will need it to set up housekeeping and to pay a lawyer. Make sure you have a war chest because things may be amicable now but you never know. Open a bank account in your own name if you don’t have one already, and make sure you have enough cash to get you through. Also if he is an authorized user on credit cards in your name, have him taken off. And talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what your rights are. If you are in So Cal I can give you some referrals if you email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail.

      And I’m sorry you are going through this but sometimes it’s necessary. And the only way out is through!

      • Senior Attorney :

        And in fact, if you’re in LA I’ll buy you a drink.

        • The Frenchie Is My Favorite Kid :

          Also in LA and will also buy you a drink. I’m so sorry but totally agree with Senior Attorney that the only way out is through.

    • No advice, but sending hugs.

    • Flats Only :

      See a lawyer to get an idea of the laws in your state and how they apply to your specific situation, and so that you have a lawyer ready to go when your husband engages one.

  26. Does anyone feel like shopping? Looking for an engagement party outfit/dress (I’m the bride). It’s at a city restaurant over the Thanksgiving holiday

    • Do you want it to be white?

      • Doesn’t have to be! I can’t find anything fall-appropriate that I like in white, which is my main reason for asking for other ideas!

    • Baconpancakes :

      Sticking with the white because when else will you get to wear white dresses with impunity?

      https://www.anntaylor.com/faux-wrap-knit-dress/448274

      http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1008446&pcid=13658&vid=1&pid=871769012 (although I like this one in grey)

      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-fit-flare-dress-regular-petite/4667622?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=IVORY%2F%20BLACK

      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/embroidered-maxi-dress?category=dresses&color=011

      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/the-essential-jumpsuit?category=dresses&color=011

      • Baconpancakes :

        Also: http://us.asos.com/asos/asos-textured-wiggle-dress/prd/7751796?clr=ivory&SearchQuery=&cid=8799&pgesize=119&pge=0&totalstyles=119&gridsize=3&gridrow=38&gridcolumn=1

        http://us.asos.com/noisy-may/noisy-may-fluted-sleeve-dress/prd/8576113?clr=white&SearchQuery=&cid=8799&pgesize=119&pge=0&totalstyles=119&gridsize=3&gridrow=28&gridcolumn=2

        And my favorite because I love sweater dresses: https://www.shopbop.com/jack-dakota-amory-sweater-dress/vp/v=1/1552022323.htm?currencyCode=USD&extid=SE_froogle_SC_usa&cvosrc=cse.google.BBDAK42173&cvo_campaign=SB_Google_USD&ef_id=Wc0srAAAAMLbEvNQ:20171106172255:s

      • Baconpancakes :

        Alternately, a white tulle skirt with a white/cream/pink sweater. http://us.asos.com/little-mistress/little-mistress-midi-tulle-skirt/prd/6118133?clr=white&SearchQuery=&cid=2639&pgesize=36&pge=0&totalstyles=39&gridsize=3&gridrow=1&gridcolumn=1

    • If it would me, I’d be buying this:
      https://www.jmclaughlin.com/eloise-dress-in-herringbone-jacquard.html

      Congrats!!

    • Obsessed with this jumpsuit:
      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/pleated-metallic-jumpsuit?category=dresses&color=019

      This is pretty too, but might require a sweater or shawl on top:
      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/lunar-dress?category=dresses&color=007

    • What about these:

      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/linden-dress2?category=wedding-guest-dresses&color=067
      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/jolie-dress?category=wedding-guest-dresses&color=065
      https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/adrienne-dress?category=wedding-guest-dresses&color=065
      http://www.bcbg.com/en/alda-faux-suede-dress/JVS62N95-2J6.html?dwvar_JVS62N95-2J6_color=2J6&cgid=dresses
      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dress-the-population-katerina-body-con-dress/4555190?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=WHITE%2F%20NUDE
      https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/draper-james-lace-rosslyn-a-line-dress/4740793?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=WILLOW%20WHITE

  27. Cross-posting from Moms site: Gift help, please, for my mother-in-law’s birthday. She doesn’t need or want any more stuff–not any stuff that I can think of right now, or that she’s willing to ask for, anyway. She’s a total foodie and an excellent cook and baker and enjoys it. I would actually like to buy her something consumable, for use in the kitchen or just yummy to eat, but that’s tough too–she already buys specialty olive oils and vinegars from a local store, she’s a farmer’s market groupie, and she travels a bunch and often buys foodstuffs on her travels.

    Does anyone have any interesting/unique foodie gifts to suggest? She also loves chocolate so if anyone knows of some really wonderful but lesser-known or really gourmet chocolate that might work too . . . thanks!

    • Fancy honey?

    • Puddlejumper :

      Zingerman’s food gift sets
      Big Sur Bakery Stollen
      Frog Hollow Farm Fresh Fruit deliveries
      Bushwick Kitchen’s Bees Knees Spicy Honey sets
      Art in the Age – syrups for making drinks

      Dinner a Love story and Ben & Birdy websites both have good gift lists for Christmas time that are filled with food ideas that you can look at old lists and be inspired.

    • How about one of those bread of the month clubs?

      elizabar.com
      zingermans.com

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Have a lobster dinner delivered to her? Or caviar?

    • What about fancy cooking classes?

    • Hot Bread Kitchen in NYC is a cool organization which employs economically insecure women, often immigrants, as bakers. They have an online store selling really fabulous baked goods and their cookbook, and the profits all go back into the organization. Depending on your budget, you could get her interesting bread, a cookbook, an apron, a bread subscription, or a kit to make homemade corn tortillas.

    • Anonymous :

      Why is this your problem? Tell your spouse to figure out a gift for his/her own mother.

      • The suggestions are great, thank you, I actually have some options for shopping tonight!

        And, just for a different perspective, it’s my problem because I choose it. My husband is an only child. His mom is so wonderful to me, to him, to our children–I’m truly lucky, she is a genuine second mother to me. She buys me amazing gifts. My husband is actually a pretty good gift giver, but his mom is really tough to buy for. Over the years I’ve been able to think of things to give her that just never crossed his or his dad’s mind. Although it is a challenge for me too, I consider it a labor of love. My husband is in charge of the cards from us and the kids, and any kid crafts. I do the gift. It works. :)

        • I just wanted to say that this is a really lovely tribute to your mother in law. Whatever you get her, you should tell her this stuff on the card, if you haven’t done it before. She would love to hear it.

    • Does she like beans? Rancho Gordo heirloom beans are amazing.

    • Doesn't Belong Here :

      How about some nice and/or exotic spices or herbs? Penzey’s is good or maybe there’s a place local to you. Some foodies would like to experiment with more exotic flavors but wouldn’t go to the trouble of buying a whole tin.

  28. Anon For This :

    I’ve been looking for a new job for the last year and a half. I’ve been getting more interviews lately, and doing very fairly well at them, but it doesn’t seem to be translating into a new job. I have another interview this afternoon and I just can’t seem to get myself psyched up. Any advice/tips/commiseration?

    • Anony Mouse :

      Sorry to hear you’re in this situation. I was in your shoes for ages. It seemed hopeless, until an offer finally came through. The months of frustration faded away, like a bad dream.
      If you’ve been getting interviews, that means you’re on the right track. I tried to think of interviews this way: even if I don’t get this job, this is one more opportunity to practice and prepare for the next job, which might turn out to be the one.
      Hang in there!

    • The fact that you’re not psyched up may actually work to your benefit. You go in relaxed, be yourself, and lo and behold, the magic can happen.

    • I agree that not being psyched up can be a plus! I’m in the same situation, and I noticed on one interview that I came across as…intimidating? Maybe a know-it-all? If that makes sense? At that point, I’d heard and prepped for every interview question known to man. I could rattle off answers in my sleep, and I think my interviewers were thrown off by it.

      I was being interviewed by bubbly, friendly members of a tight-knit team (I would have loved to work with them!) but I wasn’t picked. Obviously I don’t know the true reason why, but I have a gut feeling that I came across as someone who would have quick and decisive answers because that’s how I drilled my interview answers. I couldn’t dial it back, you know? It’s like drilling for Math facts and finding yourself shouting out the answer instinctively.

      TL;DR – There’s such a thing as too prepared. You’ll be fine!

  29. My 14 year old daughter got caught drinking last week. I am so mad and heartbroken (but not exactly surprised). I feel like a failure as a parent.

    • This isn’t the end of the world. You are not a failure as a parent. I broke my parents hearts over the same thing at about the same age. We all got through it, I went on to get into a good college and am now a successful adult.
      One suggestion that my family wishes that they had done differently- don’t involve the school unless you have to. Assuming that this didn’t happen at school and there aren’t weird circumstances where you have to tell them, this is not something they need to know right now. Find her a separate counselor that’s not through her school- pediatrician may have some referrals.

    • JuniorMinion :

      Why do you feel like a failure and why are you heartbroken? This sort of boundary pushing is normal at that age (at least to my recollection as someone ~15 years out from there). I’d be concerned if I were you about any potential anxiety / depression / serious life issues your kid is going through as sometimes this can be a reaction to those types of circumstances. Otherwise – maybe just reinforce moderation and the fact that drinking can be dangerous.

      As a sidebar I have a successful, well adjusted good friend who was drunk by noon every single day of high school. She had a terrible parent situation and wasn’t adequately challenged in school. Even she made it through (not negating the seriousness of this issue, just that we all stumble)

    • Heartbroken? Failure? No. She made a mistake! You’ll get through this just fine.

    • If there are no underlying issues, I’d suggest thinking of ways to keep her busy. Busy kids don’t have time to drink. Lots of volunteer work in safe environments and an after school job. Perhaps babysitting on Friday and Saturday nights. Busy, busy.

      • I’m not sure this is true – I was a very busy kid and actually drank more than my friends who were less busy.

        Honestly, I don’t think this is a huge issue (coming at it from a kid who drank in secret as a teenager – also starting at 14 – but otherwise was a good kid).

        Drinking becomes this fun thing kids want to do as teenagers because of the way drinking is portrayed in our society. I had friends who were doing all sorts of drugs at the same time but I just kept it to booze.

        I would recommend having a very honest conversation with your daughter. Why is this so upsetting to you? I would unpack that and be honest with her.

        • I don’t think OP is a failure as a parent by any means, and I agree that drinking in high school is relatively common and most kids who do so turn out just fine, but I also think your reaction is kind of cavalier. Of course a parent is going to freak out about their 14 year old drinking. I don’t think OP needs to “unpack” why this is so upsetting to her, it seems like a pretty normal parental reaction to me.

          • I think my point was that teenagers drinking is a not a huge deal. Teenagers like to push their boundaries and having their parents freak out about something makes it something more likely to happen again.

            So maybe it is a bit cavalier but I think drinking is much less problematic than drugs etc.

            My point in suggesting that the OP unpack why she was so upset was so she could tell her daughter what was concerning to her. If it’s drinking can get dangerous really quick so drink in moderation, and never leave your drink unattended, that’s a great conversation to have, but if it’s OMG drinking is the worst, how have I failed you, that’s maybe not going to go over as well.

        • Never too many shoes... :

          Completely agree with the above.

    • Baconpancakes :

      The first time I got drunk I was 15 with my mother and my rabbi at a fancy restaurant, drinking sangria. At 12, my grandfather said, “ok, you’re going to learn how to taste wine. Sit down and tell me the difference between these two wines,” and I was allowed a small pour at meals from then onwards. How do you treat alcohol in your family? Is it strictly forbidden to the under-21? It might make drinking less fun for her if it’s something you do at dinner. I never had any real inclination towards illicit underage drinking because it was so normal and boring in my family.

      That said, kids make bad decisions, and rebel. It’s normal and natural. Just because your kid got caught doesn’t mean you’re a failure as a parent, it just means your kid didn’t hide it as well as the other kids.

      • My parents were always very casual about it. They’d ask me if I wanted a drink with dinner. I usually said no, but I think the blaise attitude helped normalize it.

        I never partied in high school ever, but my younger brother did. I’m a professional with a Master’s degree and he’s a military officer, so despite our decisions either way (he did some dumb shit) we turned out more than fine!

      • On the flip side, I think I was hesitant to drink because I never saw any adults drinking. I think if I’d seen my parents regularly drinking with each other and their friends, I would have thought “Oh, I want to do this too, I’m enough of an adult.” But in my family alcohol wasn’t something *adults* drank, it was something *nobody* drank so it just seemed weird and foreign and didn’t hold a lot of temptation. (My parents don’t have any religious or moral objection to alcohol, they just don’t like it). And I knew a lot of kids who had small amounts of wine at family religious events and still wanted to drink socially with their friends. So I don’t know. I’m not sure how much alcohol tempts you is that related to how your family views it.

        • Baconpancakes :

          At religious events like taking communion or kiddush? I wonder if the amount helps. If it was only small sips, I would think it would be very different from a 3 oz glass at dinner. Drinking with my family, in a safe environment, I knew my tolerance (low), and once I got to college, was far more equipped to moderate my intake than my peers. My family was also simultaneously casual about me drinking but extremely cautious – no one ever got wasted, and my mother was very firm about drinking and driving, drinking safely, not going over your tolerance, not being unaware of your surroundings or when it was appropriate to drink and how much.

      • Just wanted to second this general principle: my parents were always very willing to let me taste this wine or have a little champagne at a family event. There are fond stories of my brother and cousins getting accidentally sloshed at our grandparents’ anniversary party when they were all early teens.

        Listen, this didn’t magically turn us into ideal alcohol consumers who never got inappropriately drunk in college. However, I think the emphasis on the following was what helped me make good decisions:
        – NO drinking at school related events. I don’t even know if my parents made this explicit, but I cared so much about participation in school activities and it was well-known that we had a zero tolerance policy for drinking on school time. Don’t be an idiot and get expelled.
        – NO drinking and driving. Not even a sip. Go somewhere safe, be honest about it with mom and dad, and STAY THERE. Don’t let your friends drink and drive either. This was a message I listened to because the risk of losing my license was real, and driving was critical to my independence.
        – Tell us the truth, and we won’t punish you for it.

        Other than those limitations, my parents generally trusted me because they knew that I cared deeply about school and their respect and would make choices in line with those priorities.

        Every kid is different, obviously – but I think concretely identifying the “true” dangers and working from there is a better approach with most teenagers than just enforcing rules and wielding guilt.

    • Linda from HR :

      Plenty of kids want to experiment with alcohol, you’re not a failure. I could see feeling like a failure if she was hospitalized with alcohol poisoning or if she got pregnant, but she was just caught. How much did she drink? Did she just have a solo cup in her hand of was she actually drunk? Did she try to drive or did she know better? There are a lot of factors to consider.

      Discipline her accordingly, and remember that while you can and should expect her to follow certain rules, you can’t physically control her every move, you can only equip her with the knowledge she needs to make good choices.

    • You care, and this means you are a fantastic mom. The success or failure as a parent is not measured by the slipups, but whether you let those slipups push you apart or bring you together.

    • Anonymous :

      Still years away from this worry with my own kids, but things that my parents did that really helped me make responsible choices (for the most part) and not get myself into (too much) trouble: (1) Try alcohol with the family when you want. No harm in having a small pour of wine. (2) Make sure you have a non hysterical but serious conversation about the dangers of getting drunk, especially at a young age: drunk driving, alcohol poisoning, s*xual assault, not to mention killing brain cells (I think the last one would have had an impact on me, but my parents didn’t really mention it). (3) Make sure she knows you are there for her. Even if she makes a bad decision, and even if it is embarrassing. You should be the one she calls if she finds herself in a dangerous situation.

    • Most of the teenagers I knew growing up drank and the vast majority of them are successful, functioning adults. I started drinking when I was 14 and got two tickets for minor in possession of alcohol (one at 15 and one at 19). My parent’s rules were similar to Buffybots. I got straight A’s through highschool and college and was involved in a bunch of activities. I am a successful attorney now (digging up the police reports for those tickets to submit for the character and fitness exam was a special kind of PITA). I drank socially in college and law school but quit recently because it was causing some annoying health issues, and never ended up with a “drinking problem” despite a family history of alcoholism. I definitely wouldn’t suggest condoning your daughter drinking, but I promise you are not a failure,and your daughter isn’t going to be either just because she started drinking at 14

    • Anonymous :

      Thank your for the kind replies. She is an athlete and has a part time job. She has been a bit of a difficult teenager so far so I have been intentional about keeping her busy. School wasn’t involved. She and a friend drank Mike’s Hard Lemonade they took from another friends parents. She drank enough to get sick and was caught by the friends parents. Everyone involved is mortified.

      • Honestly, this is what teenagers do. Testing boundaries, f**king up, and learning lessons is what it takes to become a functioning adult. She got sick, so she will likely be smarter about drinking in the future.

        You are not a failure as a parent, and this is not about you. If a teenager’s job is to test boundaries, a parent’s job is to define and reinforce boundaries. Set the rules around drinking and then ensure that there are consequences if/when they are broken. Talk to her about why the rules exist. That’s all you can do.

        • Anonymous :

          +1. This seems like a best case scenario. She got caught by the parent of the friend she was with. It didn’t get reported to police or the school. She is being punished. Her friend is being punished. She did not have a great experience so it’s unlikely she’ll be chomping at the bit to do it again next weekend. (And she was drinking the ultimate teenager drink… this just screams classic 14 year old situation).

          • +1 If the kids know you are mortified by their behavior, they are just going to get better about hiding it. This is not a failure of parenting, kids test boundaries in any number of ways. Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenage girl is even harder.

            I got busted with pot in HS (15 yrs old?) and my parents treated me like I was the second coming of Satan and was going to end up on the street dead with a needle in my arm. I had the self awareness to know that I was just having a little fun and none of the hard drugs ever interested me. I quit smoking pot my senior year of HS and haven’t touched a drug since, but what it did make me do is hide a lot more from my parents because of their complete freak out. I never felt comfortable talking to them about problems I was having after this freak out (family therapy, drug education classes, etc.). How you react to this will affect your relationship with your daughter in some way – make it stronger, not weaker.

      • Oh goodness. Please don’t consider yourself a failure. Mike’s Hard Lemonade is such a rite of passage (I am now SUPER curious why the friend’s parents even had it in the house, since I think of it as exclusively enjoyed by minors). It’s actually good that she got sick — learning the hard way that overconsumption is disgusting!

        • Never too many shoes... :

          That is so funny. I do not like beer at all, so I sometimes keep some Mike’s Hard for when I want something from the bottle rather than wine.

        • Linda from HR :

          It’s not exclusively enjoyed by minors, I drank it in my early 20’s. I didn’t drink until I was 21, so when I did, I wanted fruity stuff that masked the taste of alcohol, and stuff like Mike’s was totally my jam while I was still acquiring a taste for “real” adult beverages. I outgrew it within a few years though.

          Basically, it’s popular with people who are new to drinking, which is mostly teenagers.

      • anonymous :

        10+ years ago, the first thing I ever drank, also at the age of 14, was mike’s hard lemonade. I guess some things will never ever change

      • Anonymous :

        I think this is common. I have a 14 year old daughter, also an athlete. She casually mentioned that the reason a male runner had to be driven out of the woods in a golf cart at a cross country meet was because “he smoked pot on Halloween night.” The boy was vomiting and a virus is going around. My husband told her that didn’t make sense because smoking pot is not known for inducing nausea but is terrible on the lungs.

        This varsity sport has exposed her to interesting elements since she is youngest on the team – the travel meet room-mate on birth control pills (“for her skin”), etc.

        I’m bracing myself but honestly, I drank wine coolers at 14 and was the least likely candidate, as a real people pleaser with perfect grades. Parenting is not for the parents! Hang in there.

    • Anonymous :

      The book “Untangled” has some great practical advice for approaching the issue of risky behavior with teenaged girls.

  30. Recommendations for a lawyer-focused resource on how to develop a business plan? I’m a biglaw senior associate. I’ll be up for partner for the first time next year. In my review this year, the partners suggested I develop a business plan for the upcoming year and get in the habit of doing that going forward. They didn’t have any suggestions of how I’m supposed to actually accomplish that though. Help?

    • if you’re in biglaw, my first suggestion is to look for your internal attorney development person. I’m also in biglaw, and we have one of these people. 90% of her job is to help people prepare to apply/apply to be partner. Check your internal website to see if this type of person is based out of a different office, or I’d ask whoever your firm’s business development person is.

      Aside from this, I’d ask any recently minted partners who you have a good relationship with what they did.

  31. Embarrassing health issue I can’t bring up with friends—even telling a doctor is going to be difficult. I’m 42, childless and have started to leak urine. I wear a pad every day and try to pretend it isn’t happening. I don’t know if there is anything that can be done. But I’m ready to face the embarrassment of trying to find out. What sort of doctor would I see-an internist? Gyn?

    • Your primary care practionioner, gyn, or a urologist can all help with this. It’s super common and there are lots of treatment options.

    • you need a urologist. If there is one in your area, you could look for a urogynecologist that specializes in women’s issues and can look at gyn stuff as well. You don’t have to live like this — there are treatment options!

    • Also check out PT for your pelvic floor. This is really common!

    • feeling so sad and angry :

      This is so, so so common. If you listen to the Longest Shortest Time podcast, they talk about how this impacts 1 in 3 women. Definitely see a dr, also consider Icon undies.

    • Yeah I feel you :

      I am going for this too. Was going to ask gyno today but she rescheduled me to deliver a baby. 35 no kids but read about it on here and didn’t realize it was so prevalent. Mostly people just say “wait until you have kids!” when I say something in passing about it. Totally embarrassing though! I feel ya!

  32. Child custody lawyer? :

    Can anyone recommend a lawyer for child custody in metro Atlanta? Need someone who will honestly look out for the client. Friend is still paying lawyer bills for a lost case that I feel shouldn’t have been lost. Kid is with a neglectful and emotionally and verbally abusive parent. School has called telling the parents kid is expressing suicidal thoughts. Neglectful parent brushed it off saying “oh he’s just being the way he’s always been” and has not bothered to take kid to any of kid’s therapy sessions. Kis is ten and cannot choose who to live with until thirteen. We are afraid kid won’t make it that far.

    • No direct experience, but have seen Ashley Sawyer with Hedgepeth, Heredia & Rieder recommended several times before.

    • Atlanta Attorney Anon :

      There’s not a one size fits all recommendation. Here are my go-to names for when asked by friends and colleagues.

      Pamela Gray: http://www.gemfamilylaw.com/attorneys/pamela-gray/
      Jennifer Giles: http://www.vanlanduytlaw.com/about-us/jennifer-giles/
      Emily Yu: http://www.yufamilylaw.com/
      Aisha Blanchard Collins: https://www.abc-familylaw.com/

      Pam and Jennifer are partners at small family law firms. Emily and Aisha are family law solos.

    • Child custody lawyer? :

      Thanks both! Will send these names to my friend.

  33. How do you keep track of vouchers and gift certificates you can’t use right away but don’t want to forget about?

    • Senior Attorney :

      I have a list tacked up on the household bulletin board in the laundry room, and I cross them off as I use them. Very low tech but it works.

    • I use my password manager (accessible on my computer and phone), and add all of the information from the card. This has the additional benefit of me not having to go find said gift card when I want to make an online purchase.

    • Anonymous :

      I have a dorky “Household Management Binder” that has all of our account logins, important #s, etc. I have a pocket in there where I keep all the gift cards – one with gift cards that we have received, and one with a variety of gift cards that I purchased as gifts for teachers or last minute birthday presents and such.

    • lawsuited :

      I make an appointment for the first day of the promotion in my phone, with the coupon code in the description.

    • Yeah I feel you :

      Coupons get clipped on fridge. Gift cards have a separate zipper pouch (no expiration deals). Then every week I go through the clip (or clips) and ditch the old and remind myself what to use.

      Email has a separate folder where I put all discounts and deals I might use and I delete those once a month.

  34. NYC facial recommendations :

    I’m looking for suggestions for your favorite affordable NYC facial- for 1 hour, definitely under $100, preferably under $60

    • Big caveat coming but I really like the Aveda Institute on Spring Street. The caveat being that it’s a student academy and the experience can really vary. But that said, I’ve been more happy than not and the products they use have never irritated my skin, which I can’t say is true for most other cheap facial places I’ve tried.

      That said, I do not recommend the hair services here. The endorsement is strictly facials.

    • The Frenchie Is My Favorite Kid :

      Mario Badescu seriously has the BEST facials ever. And they are $65. Just. So. Good.

      Their products are sold at Nordstroms and I like their skin care line as well but their facials are the best. No frills, very effective.

      https://www.mariobadescu.com/salon-services/facials

  35. I think this has been discussed before but thought I’d share my awkward experience this morning… My opposing counsel (Orthodox Jew) refused to shake my hand this morning. Presumably because I’m a woman, because he turned and shook a man’s hand next to me. He literally recoiled when I outstretched my hand, as if I would burn him, and said “it’s nothing personal”. Feels personal!

    • Yea, orthodox men are not supposed to touch a woman they are not married or related to. It’s definitely not personal. I agree that it’s a sexist, outdated practice, FWIW.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Yeah, this. I also several Orthodox Jewish clients. I don’t love it, but the fact that they don’t otherwise treat me any differently because I am female is more important to me than whether or not he’ll shake my hand.

    • Baconpancakes :

      I would think the polite way to handle that would be to refuse to shake anyone’s hand, or wear gloves (which I’ve seen), but yeah, I would be offended if it happened like that (and I’m Jewish -reform).

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I work with several men who are Orthodox and this is something that we have discussed. Anecdata, to be sure, but there seem to be mixed feelings on this topic, ranging from “never” to “do not refuse an outstretched hand as it will make the person feel bad”.

      Even among my colleagues who will not shake a woman’s hand (only one of them), it is very important that you not make the person feel awkward…which is clearly exactly what happened to you.

      • Anonymous :

        But what do they say to not make it awkward? Something funny/sarcastic? Bc I’ve had someone refuse — in an interview — and it was a woman and not religion related — and she bluntly said “I don’t shake hands.” It STILL felt awkward and I felt dumb for extending my hand in the first place.

        • I think if you subscribe to this practice for whatever reasons your best bet is to head this off as early as possible. So ideally before someone puts their hand out.
          I agree that it’s a sexist and outdated practice but I also don’t find it offensive having dealt with it for a long time now. I had a boss who was Hassidic and never shook hands with women, but he was great and non-sexist in all other respects.

        • lawsuited :

          I had a client who would not shake a woman’s hand, and when I met him for the first time I extended my hand to shake his and he put his hand (the one I was expecting to shake) over his heart and did a little mini-bow in my direction which was still surprising but acknowledged my presence and our meeting in a respectful and charming way.

      • I’ve extended my hand to an Orthodox Jewish man who did not shake hands with women. He was able to explain it very graciously and make it not awkward. I assume he’s had a lot of practice. That said, it was a social setting, not a professional or adversarial one–the fact that this was opposing counsel, where there’s likely already tension, makes it hard not to be awkward.

    • Been there :

      Yuck. This never seems sincere to me. It’s a sexist power play.

      • Anonymous :

        Yup. Either shake everybody’s hand or nobody’s hand.

      • And what is your response to Orthodox Jewish women who refuse to shake hands with men? Are they also engaging in sexist power plays?? Is a woman who is uncomfortable being touched by strange men obligated to do it anyway?

        An Orthodox Jew who does not shake hands with members of the opposite sex is not hurting or disrespecting you. They are not treating you as lesser or saying anything at all about you or who you are as a person. They are following rules for their daily conduct that might seem silly, arbitrary or unnecessary to people who are not part of that tradition, but since they are not imposing those rules on you (except to the extent that you cannot force them to shake your hand) perhaps it is a good time to do a little research, recognize that people are different, and have a bit of tolerance. Unlike many other conservative religious groups they are not trying to impose their religious precepts on the general population.

        • Been there :

          So did you even read the ops comment? He did treat her differently, she was disrespected and she was made to feel less than. The false equivalency regarding orthodox women ignores the history and present reality of sexism in professional situations. As a litigatior in NYC I promise you this is still a problem.

          This is just a subtle version of ” my religious beliefs require me to marginalize others.”

          • I did read her comment – but just because she felt marginalized does not mean that he did anything wrong. Her feeling are her own and she is entitled to them, but his refusal to shake her hand was not about her. He did not disrespect her; he did not refuse to do business with her; he did not say or imply that she was not competent or equal. He did not want to shake her hand and that made her feel marginalized. But he has the right to decide who he touches.

            If a conservative Muslim woman came onto this site and said that her boss had told her she HAD to shake hands with male clients despite her religious beliefs, we would be up in arms (rightfully) on her behalf. That right has to extend to everyone – male, female, Jewish, Muslim and Christian.

            And I am a litigator in LA – I am painfully well aware that sexism in professional situations is a problem. However, I will save my outrage for the men who talk over me, insist on speak with “the partner on this file”, discount my opinions until they are repeated by a man, et cetera, ad naseum. Not wanting to shake my hand because of religious beliefs does not even warrant a moment’s angst.

            I also think that not wanting to shake someone’s hand because of deeply felt and consistently lived religious belief is something that should be respected. My advice to the OP would be that while I can understand that she felt slighted and that he could have handled it more graciously, it was not an insult to her person or her competence. Many very orthodox Jews do not want to touch non-family of the opposite sex even in the most casual and non-intimate ways for reasons that are way too complex to go into here. There are some excellent articles you can find via Google. I can only ask that she understand that some people’s adherence to a particular religious tradition requires them to be constantly aware of and adhere to restrictions on their words and actions that can seem incredibly arbitrary and sometimes ridiculous. While I can absolutely understand that it was a jarring experience, it was not an insult to you personally or to women in general.

    • The only time a person refused to shake my hand was a few years ago. Right after I left biglaw for a corp gig. I was pre-warned so ready to just say hello. The Orthodox man was so disarming- he told me about this practice and also outlined no handshakes, fist bumps or fist explosions. It was said in a very funny way , we all chuckled.

  36. Baconpancakes :

    What are your favorite snarky feminist gifts? I’m thinking things like “Pu$$y grabs back” teeshirts, but across the spectrum – mugs, pins, etc?

    • Never too many shoes... :

      One of the women in my office has a coffee mug with “Male Tears” on it. It always cracks me up.

    • Anonymous :

      Etsy has tons of this kind of stuff. I have a feminist cross stitch!

    • Wildfang does a line of merch with their “Wild Feminist” tagline, and they also have tons of smash/slay the patriarchy items, an RBG pin, a Don’t Tell Me to Smile beanie… lots of neat stuff.

      I also have a Read Fewer White Dudes mug that I love from Where Are You Press but it doesn’t seem to be available anymore.

    • Have you checked out Emily McDowell’s stuff?

    • Anonymous :

      Late, but this is one of my favorite subjects as my friend group is largely characterized by a passion for gender equality (not on purpose, I just tend to meet my friends at political marches, Planned Parenthood events, lesbian mixers, by inviting my existing friends to bring a +1 to my quarterly feminist brunches, etc.):

      Look at the Get Bullish shop. They have lots of great feminist/”ladyboss” office supplies, jewelry, etc.

      RedBubble is great for finding feminist scarves (a great gift because you don’t have to worry about getting the right size). I have one I love covered in flowers and venus symbols.

      Socks from Blue Q (some feminist, all snarky)

      I love the jewelry from Bang Up Betty. I have a necklace with two pendants – one says KILL THE PATRIARCHY and the other is a tiny sword.

      Etsy shops: Turner and Pooch Co (t-shirts, throw pillows, etc.), Gin and Ink (calligraphy prints… less on the snarky side), Fourth Wave Apparel (shirts, totes, etc.), FlossBossEmbroidery (cross stitch)

    • New to NoVA :

      I have a coffee mug I love that says “I solemnly swear that I will smash the patriarchy” in a hot pink Harry Potter-ish font from lookhuman.com. It’s delightful.

  37. Is anyone else getting weird scam popup messages on this s i t e today? About “your phone is infected with a virus”? It’s happened to me like 5 times.

    • On mobile phone or computer? I get weird stuff like that all the time when viewing on my phone. Does not happen with any other s!te. Started getting desktop version on my phone which seems to prevent it.

    • I’ve been getting that on my phone for a couple weeks. It is super annoying.

    • Anonymous :

      I get it when I read this site on my phone. In contrast to Anon above, I get it exclusively when I view the desktop version on my phone (but I almost always switch to desktop view immediately, so I can’t say it wouldn’t happen on the mobile view). It seems to always pop up a minute or so after the page loads.

    • Anon prof :

      I’ve been getting that for about a week. Only on this site, using Chrome on a Pixel. It’s a pain.

  38. Tried the Neosporin Overnight Renewal Therapy recommended in the Beauty Empties thread awhile back and love it. I had been using just Vaseline on my lips at night and for whatever reason it wasn’t cutting it. 5 days into the neosporin and I’m not waking up to chapped lips. Highly recommended!

  39. What colour nails are trending right now? I’m investing in getting manicures more often. My last colour was a really dark almost black burgundy. I like dark colours in the fall but I don’t want to do something similar this time. And since it’s gel nails, I have to live with it for several weeks. Ideas?

    • My favorite is Essie’s After School Boy Blazer. It’s a deep navy.

      If you want to stay away from super dark shades, I recently tried and liked Essie’s In the Lobby – a nice rich plum.

    • Anonymous :

      I just did OPI Ink which is a navy blue with some sparkle, and I’m loving it

  40. Two questions:
    1) I recently bought some frayed hem jeans that hit just above my ankle. What casual shoes do I wear with them? I have heeled booties, but I’m thinking more along the lines of sneakers. Bonus points for sneakers with arch support.
    2) What’s your favorite underwear? I know this has been discussed before but I cannot find the thread. TIA!

  41. What do you guy do to avoid picking/peeling your cuticles? It’s a bad habit that I cannot seem to stop.

    • I treated myself to a shellac mani until I had broken the habit (2 or 3 times was all it took). For more cost-conscious options: could you do an at-home manicure or get a no-polish mani? I find that when my nails are groomed and my hands are hydrated with lotion they’re less likely to peel and get hang nails, so I’m less likely to mess with them.

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