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Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Contrast Back Shift Dress

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. 10 Crosby Derek Lam Contrast Back Shift DressThe Barneys' sale has hit 75% off, and there is a TON of great stuff left (a lot under $250, too). Take, for example, this fun cotton/silk 10 Crosby Derek Lam dress. From the front, it looks like just your normal cotton sheath dress, perhaps with a bit more architectural-type details — but when you turn around, the upper back is covered in a green silk patterned panel. For some reason it reminds me of a waistcoat, or even a bit of a halter dress — but done really right for the office. The dress was $595, but is now marked to $239. 10 Crosby Derek Lam Contrast Back Shift Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. Psst… While you're over at Barneys, check out this huge selection of Manolo Blahnik shoes and boots on sale (generally marked around $309-$399). A few more specific clothing pieces: this gorgeous Alexandre Plokhov jacket (was $1695 now $419), this sleeveless blouse by O'2nd (was $175 now $69), and all the great 3.1 Phillip Lim trousers (were $350-$575, now marked $139-$229). Ok, fine, and this Joie tweed jacket (was $428 now $259), and this Thakoon Addition silk shell (was $280 now $109). Actually, just go check  out all of the blouses. :D

Sales of note for 4/24/25:

  • Nordstrom – 7,710 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event: 30% off your entire purchase, including 100s of new arrivals
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
  • Boden – 25% off everything (ends 4/27) (a rare sale!)
  • The Fold – Up to 25% off
  • Eloquii – Spring Clearance: Up to 75% off + extra 50-60% off sale
  • J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Up to 60% off sale styles + up to 50% off summer-ready styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100 + extra 20% off $125
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – 3 pieces for $198. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Friends & Family Event: 30% off entire purchase, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

226 Comments

  1. I’m so glad the NYT is finally doing a piece to offer some dissent to the slavish way some writers, scientists, and advice columnists trot out “evolutionary pscyhology.”

    It’s disturbingly circular in approach for a so-called science, with lots of cherry-picking of data.

    It’s also been abused to justify bad male behavior (as well as certain types of bad female behavior), and it is disturbingly like the faux-science used in the 1900s by racists to “prove” that people of color were “inferior.”

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/opinion/sunday/darwin-was-wrong-about-dating.html?src=me&ref=general

    1. I read this articel! It says that WE are also responsible for fooling around and sleepeing with men as much as men. Who did they interview? NOT us obveiousley. Not respecteable women who want men for HUSBAND’s, to marry and to raise a family like ME and Susedna.

      The premiss of the article is an OUTRAGE! If I was so interested in fooleing around and letteing men have sex with me, I would NOT be so sad when the men turned out to be looser’s. My dad want’s me MARRIED at all cost’s it seem’s and I do NOT understand why he pushes guy’s like David and Alan on me and blame’s ME when it does NOT work out!

      I was goeing to bring this articel up, but thank GOD Susedna did first. YAY Susedna. We do NOT randomely sleep around with men. FOOEY on that. I have said this for along time. I do NOT want some sweaty guy huffeing and puffeing and grunteing, then rolleing over and leaveing. FOOEY on that! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    2. Totally agree–loved that article!

      I also hate the argument that men should somehow be expected to cheat because their evolutionary forefathers were somehow programmed to spread their seed. They were also programmed to live in caves and eat raw meat.

      1. My anecdotal observations through dating indicate that a sizable portion of men, given the opportunity would live in a cave (see Dude With No Furniture (sorry MOA!)) and BBQ is really just combining raw meat with fire–a favorite dude-toy.

        That said, I think evo-psych is misogynist BS. It’s all about boys justifying their bad behavior.

        1. I’ll give evo-psych some leeway – as far as impulse and unconscious impulses go. We do have a more developed frontal lobe than early humans did, and that’s got to count for something. So even if a gender were biologically pre-disposed to sow their oats, they’ve got a rational conscious part of the brain that actually makes the decision to follow through on the impulse. Part the benefit of being a sentient species.

          The idea of culture as well as biology influencing brain development is an interesting, and uniquely human question. I think a lot of the modelling that gets done in evo-psych is extrapolating, to some degree, about what we see in lower order animals, but doesn’t always translate, because while humans have certain biological impulses, we also have an ability to override those impulse that doesn’t exist in the rest of the biological beings on the planet.

          So, even if evo-psych is true – big whoop. It’s not an excuse for making bad decisions.

          1. That’s actually the belief of a lot of evo-psych people, but those parts rarely make it into the pop psych stuff. The idea is that these things might exist because they worked for our ancestors, but that doesn’t say anything about their efficacy today.

    3. Ugh, I hate evo-psych circular logic. Thanks for posting this article. I had Steven Pinker as my Intro to Psych professor, as it was so painful to have to listen to him talk about his theories for 3-4 hours a week, regurtitate back his circular logic theories as if they were scientific fact on his exams, and of course buy and read 2 of his books. The 2003 lie-detector study was very interesting, I wonder how many other evo-psych “truths” could be tested this way?

      (regular poster, anon for this one as I’ve complained about Pinker to people IRL and don’t want to out my regular username in case they read here.)

      1. URGH PINKER
        an article I read recently called him the linguistics master or a linguistics god or something completely ridiculous like that and I just couldn’t read anymore.
        I feel your pain.

  2. Golden Globes! Fashion!

    – I love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Thought they were great.
    – Lena Dunham CANNOT WALK IN HEELS! And her dress didn’t fit at the bodice at all, it was all drapey and weird.
    – Adele looked great, loved her dress.
    – Claire Danes JUST had a baby and already needs a few sandwiches!
    – Kristen Wiig needed a bra, or more fashion tape.
    – Jennifer Lawrence’s waist is so tiny! But I was worried she was going to come out of the top of her dress, it was super low cut.
    – Anne Hathaway’s hair is beautiful. Wish she would gain more weight back from her Les Mis weight.

    1. I wanted so much more Tina and Amy! I feel like we’ve seen a lot more of other hosts other years.
      I too felt so bad for Lena Dunham (who I otherwise adore), I don’t understand why she didn’t kick those heels off for the second walk up.
      I thought Jennifer Garner looked amazing, J.Lo trashy (I was begging them to cut to her during Ben Affleck’s acceptance speech). Every time I saw her young boyfriend in his white suit I shook my head.

    2. In addition to being super low cut, what was with all the weird folds of fabric at the top of Jennifer Lawrence’s dress? It looked like she has frilly platters extending from her b**bs.

    3. Tiny Fey and Amy Pohler were hysterical. Loved “That was Hillary Clinton’s husband, guys!” and Tina’s face when Lena Dunham was like “You got me through middle school!” (you could see the “holy F, I’m old” wheels turning in Tina’s brain).

      Surprisingly, loved Taylor Swift’s dress and thought she looked a lot more grown up, adult and less pretty-pretty-princess.

      Agreed on Anne Hathaway – beautiful, but should gain back some of the weight. Also, she’ll always be Princess of Genovia to me.

      Was Aziz Ansari actually drunk? At first I thought he was joking, then I wasn’t sure.

      Everyone else seemed to love Jodie Foster’s speech but I thought it was kind of rambly and weird. Come out or don’t, but that speech lost me. I did think the part where she was speaking to her mom was really touching, though.

      1. I don’t watch awards shows. I just check all the online blogs (eonline, popsugar, gofugyourself) for the fashion the next day. Plus, I was busy watching the Patriots game.

        1. I know, I just want to see the pretty clothes. The Times and the Telegraph all did good UK star coverage this am so I got my fix at work. I don’t know if my mid-40s, male boss really appreciated the cooing over the dresses but whatever, sometimes I let him tell me about the tennis tournaments.

          1. I switched over from football to the red carpet show on E. Just not worth watching when I knew the Patriots would win.

        3. Patriots was over by then, I got to catch both.

          I didn’t realize how much I hate Lena until last night. I hate the poor me, I was so lonely and rich and no one liked me! I realize rich people have problems too but I find it obnoxious when they talk about their own insecurities as this huge obstacle to overcome.

          I thought Jenn G looked great, and loved tina and amy, I wish they had more screen time but maybe that’s what made it so great, it was a tight performance with no missteps by them.

          Jessica Chastain could look so much better!

          1. Every time I see Jessica Chastain, I swear, I say this: “Beautiful woman, hideous choice of dress.” She cannot dress.

          2. and her hair! Put her in a sleek fitted perfectly jewel tone dress, or a navy maybe? her face would be the star. Somehow that dress made her back look doughy and her hair looked like she was balding. She consistantly makes very bad dressing choices which is too bad

          3. Yeah, what’s up with JC’s hair? Every time I see her, she has her hair swept back tight before it poofs out in the back… very strange looking. She needs to stop trying to make “alien-do” happen. I liked the color of her dress but her overall look was a miss

      2. Amy Poehler was hysterical! Her comment to Kathryn Bigelow about torture and being married to James Cameron caused quite a stir… you could see people going, did she really just say that? They both kept on the right side of the funny/mean line

    4. Loved Tina and Amy!
      -I liked Lena’s dress but agree that it didn’t fit her and poor thing looked awkward in it.
      -Claire Danes looked gorgeous. The hair, the dress, but seriously – she just had a baby a few weeks ago?
      -Thought Jennifer Lawrence looked fab but she just never looks all that comfortable dressed up.
      -Loved Katharine McPhee’s dress.
      -What was up with Jessica Chastain’s hair? And her dress? Just yuck.
      -Adele looked so happy and I love her hair and think she’s stunning.
      -And yeah, Jennifer Garner looked beautiful and she and Ben are just too cute and sweet and loving. I love that family – every time I see pictures of them with their kids, the kids look so adorable and so happy.

      1. I think my favorite look of all belongs to Kerry Washington. Beautiful woman, beautiful dress.

        1. Hmm, I did not like the sheer overlay. But as I wrote in the weekend open thread I was not really impressed with any of the ladies. Clare Danes & Megan Fox best of a weak bunch. Lucy Liu worst, closely followed by Jessica Chastain and Lena Dunham. Leo DiCapro was very handsome and debonaire in his perfectly tailored tux.

    6. Just saw a pic of Jenifer Garner up at the mic, and holy intense corsetry Batman. The dress is great, but good grief, why did she try to squeeze into something so small with what has to be an ungodly amount of shapeware?? Her waist just looks so artificially nipped in, and I feel you can tell it is because her chest looks super squished up and like it just has nowhere to go. As much as they diet/work out/whatever, celebs are still people with real bodies and real proportions to fit… maybe they should dress to their shapes! As much as they’d all like to be, they are all not 6’1 French models who weigh 100lb, thus all the crazy couture/high fashion doesn’t necessarily work on them! I always like to see the more ‘normal’ weighted stars (ex, Kate Winslet or perhaps some of the ladies when they are pregnant) because their dresses look so much better when they are drapey and skimmy and fit properly, vs. when dressing becomes a contest of who can have the most tape/shapewear/uncomfortable low cut get up that required 4 weeks of the lemon juice/cayenne pepper diet to even make work sort of.

      1. I actually thought Jenifer looked great and very comfortable. I didn’t think she looked nipped in at all, it seemed like a more comfortable dress. Her b**bs look how mine look in a regular strapless bra.

        1. Maybe it’s an issue of a bad picture, but in the picture I saw, her hips were actually smaller than her shoulders (she almost looked like she was wearing a weird Victorian costume) and her chest looked so smushed that it looked as if she might have trouble breathing. I guess I just don’t think a strapless dress should create the smushed up/smushed in tight look, but then again, I like clothes that skim more than ones that look like they fit with zero spare room (which seems to be how dresses are tailored commonly at these events).

          1. As someone who has Jennifer Garner’s body type, my hips are actually narrower than my shoulders (a combination of genetics and athletics). She pretty much looked how I look in that style of dress.

            Also, the b**b situation may be due to br**stfeeding.

          2. Regardless of what causes the body shape or not, I don’t think it was the right fit/style for her (or, perhaps it was tailored too fitted-ly and the style itself would look fine if let out a bit). I guess that’s my point. Celebs are people too who have body shapes that are ‘real’ (ie, athletic builds, b-feeding shape changes, etc). Not every one of them will look good in the sort of couture gown tailored for a 6’1 100lb Parisian model body type. I think some celebs would do better to tailor to their actual body vs. thinking they can all wear the same super super fitted styles.

          3. Are you sure you are not talking about Alba? Jessica Garner’s dress wasn’t tailored, it was loose up top. I think out of all the dresses it seemed the most comfortable, because it would not requrie shapewear.

    7. I adored Jodie’s speech… she explained why she hadn’t felt the need to come out in a huge manner (not meant to hide it or that being g*y is wrong, just not something she felt she needed to share), she thanked her lover/partner (thus effectively coming out in her own way), she gave love to her mom who is dying with dementia, and commented on how important it is to focus on those not doing huge huge things because tiny things have huge impacts too. Super classy!

      1. Honestly I thought she sounded insane. I liked aspects of it, the part to her mother was super touching. But I found it rambling, incoherent, and weird that she wants privacy and not to make a big deal about it, but then announced it an award show (thus making it a big deal) It sounded like she was retiring, but then she clarified later that she was still going to be acting. and the love to mel gibson just gives me major case of the eye rolls.

      2. I don’t know. It didn’t come off as very classy to me to compare other celebrities coming out announcements (which of course, are her choice to do or to not do — I totally respect her decision to keep things private but it’s odd to make a speech about press intrusion when getting an award from the Foreign Press, and to make a speech about privacy when in the same speech, talking about your mom’s illness, your sexuality and your kids) to Honey Boo Boo, nor to talk about spanking Daniel Craig (when they cut to him, he was clearly uncomfortable).

        I think I got what she was trying to say but I don’t think it was overarchingly intellectual or a huge moment – it sounded to me like she was kind of tipsy, and sort of word vomited all the things she wanted to say into a jumbled mess. Which is fine, but then I don’t get why people were talking about how inspiring the speech was.

        1. Ditto everything you said and I also thought her hair style was straight out of the 90s.

    8. I think I was in the minority that actually loved Jennifer Lawrence’s dress. Maybe it was the nod to the traditional Dior New Look that won me over, but I thought she looked really pretty.

      1. I loved it too! I know that the ruffles on the chest area were a bit unexpected but without them it would have been just another sweet princess dress, a la Zooey Deschanel (who’s red carpet style is getting repetitive)

      2. I loved it too. I thought she looked amazing and I knew that dress was Dior the instant I saw it. Wow.

      1. Totally agree, Kady! She was my favorite followed by Kate Hudson… absolutely loved her dress. I also thought the dresses that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey wore on stage for the monologue were fabulous!

    11. I may also be in the minority here, but I adored Lucy Liu’s gown. So beautiful. You cannot go wrong with Carolina Herrera. I was shocked when the Daily Mail this morning (I know, hardly the arbiter of taste and style) slammed her for it.

      1. Glad to know someone else hate reads the Daily Mail. I just can’t kick it, they have such nice big pictures. (Also, I have really low blood pressure so a few ‘benefits cheats’ and ‘big bad Brussels’ stories a week help keep me at normal levels)

      2. Nonny, I think we’re the same person! As soon as I saw it, I started gushing about how pretty she looked in Carolina Herrera and how unfortunate it was that everyone was going to compare it to curtains on Monday. My boyfriend raised an eyebrow and was like “How the heck do you know who made it?” I think I read too many fashion blogs…

      3. Another in the minority here! Lucy Liu’s dress is in my top five of the night. Another — that I haven’t seen mentioned anywhere — was Amy Poehler’s dark red dress. Gorgeous!

    12. Didn’t watch the Globes, so here are my opinions based on reading caphillstyle (oh man, I totally hate read it. I know it gives her just as many pageviews).

      Loved Lucy Liu’s gown–it was an unusual fabric, but so lovely. I actually really liked Halle Berry’s as well, although Belle hates that one too. Jessica Alba’s dress was gorgeous, and so was she.

      Lena Dunham looked awkward and uncomfortable. I wonder if she just feels like she has to look like that all the time.

      Then I checked E! — Sophia Vergara looked very hot in that black number. I actually liked Kate Hudson’s dress, even though I can’t figure out her purpose for existing in the world or in the entertainment industry.

      1. “even though I can’t figure out her purpose for existing in the world or in the entertainment industry”

        LOL!

  3. Calling all Downton fans –

    Thoughts on last night’s episode? I felt really, really bad for Edith, though I was never crazy about the match. I’m also intrigued by/upset about the twist in the Bates story line (I really like him and want him to be innocent!).
    (And I’ve decided I’m totally pre-ordering the blu-ray rather than waiting on PBS to finish the season)

    2. I enjoyed it. I felt bad for Edith and how resigned she was at the end of the episode. It was great about Lavinia’s letter and how Mary was instrumental in getting Matthew to see reason. The biggest surprise for me was seeing Branson in black tie. What happened to not conforming?!

      That part with Anna and the neighbor wasn’t a shock for me really. The woman was friends with Vera, of course she’d dislike Bates. My fingers are crossed that he’s released soon though, with his wife and the Earl on his side his chances are improved.

      And I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of my season three on bluray.

      2. Re Branson-my friend and I joked that black tie was his not giving in to white tie formality. But agreed!

    3. Re. Edith – this confirms my conviction that a romantic relationship has a better chance of success if the pursuing is done by the man.
      I know there will be many who will argue with this, but I base this view on personal experience and relationships I have observed.

      That said, I feel bad for Edith… not only for obvious romantic failure/embarrassment, but also in relation to the whole “modern woman” theme raised in this season in upstairs and downstairs context. Just goes to show how painful advent of feminism was.

      1. I think you’re reading too much “feminism” into Edith’s storyline, by far. She wanted to make her “life’s work” nursing her almost-husband. She wasn’t attempting to be modern. She just wanted someone to love her, and someone to take care of.

        The problem with their match wasn’t that it was non-traditional – Lord Grantham even admits that it would be the most traditional match. He was just (a) significantly older and (b) injured, in a time when the cultural norm was too look down on anyone with a handicap.

        1. well yeah, her ambition was to become a wife, but she spoke out and took initiative in the relationship (vs. passively waiting for him to declare his feelings and propose, like a traditional woman would)

          1. It’s also the 1920s when that type of behavior would have been way more shocking than now.

    4. Poor Edith – when Sir Anthony was looking really bad when he was standing up at the altar, I thought he was about drop dead of a heart attack instead of jilting her. I though it was pretty out of character for him not to have ended things sooner than at the very last possible minute (I also think it was a little odd how they cut straight to the wedding preparations without showing or mentioning how Sir Anthony and Lady Edith actually got engaged – did he actually ask her at any point, or did Edith just say “Let’s set a date”?)

      Overall, I’m not loving this season so far – now that Downtown is saved and Mrs. Hughes doesn’t have cancer I’m wondering what other plot points they’ll have to cook up to keep things going.

      I do love the warfare between Thomas and O’Brien; it also was really funny when they go to check out their potential new digs and they all seem to think it’s one step above a shack and Branson tells Sybil, “Uh, most people would think this is a fairy tale palace”.

      1. I actually thought, “Please don’t die until after you’re married!” I didn’t expect him to just abandon her like that. Poor Edith!

    5. Oh God. Poor Edith. I was rooting for her so hard and now this. She never gets the breaks. I know it wasn’t the best match, but she was happy, and that is more than she has been for ever and ever. Now what?

    6. I’m feeling ambivalent about Edith as well. I really didn’t want her to marry the guy, but I didn’t want to see her left at the alter. I felt so bad for her when she told Anna that spinsters always get up for breakfast.

      I’m still hoping that there will be proof that Bates is innocent. His wife was so vindictive that I can believe she’d try to frame him.

      I’m also glad Lord Grantham made Matthew a partner in the estate. I’m hoping he can manage the money better. Plus, by sharing the reins, Lord Grantham has made me almost forgive him for kissing the maid last season.

      I also loved the dress and hat Lady Mary wore for the picnic at the “economy” house. The house itself looked pretty good to me, even though they’d have to get by with only eight servants.

  4. I just can’t with Sunday night any more. Downton, Girls, Revenge, Good Wife, and the Golden Globes?!? All the TV does not need to happen Sunday night at 9.

    1. I love the Good Wife and recently watched all of seasons 1 and 2 of Downton, but the last few weeks I just haven’t been bothered to watch either on Sunday nights. Probably because I have to get ready for work/go to bed at a reasonable hour and I don’t like being glued to the TV during those hours/delaying bed.

  5. I just got fired from my job, without warning or any idea that this was coming. I am so in shock I don’t even know what to do with myself. Any advice? This is the first time in my life I have even heard anything negative about work, let alone been fired, and I certainly didn’t hear anything that led me to believe this would happen in the 5 months I’ve been at this job.

    1. *hugs* *vodka & chocolate cake*

      THAT SUCKS. Sorry for the ELLEN-caps, but I had to raise hue & outcry.

      What did the HR person and manager-person say to you?

      And, do you have at least a 3-months worth of rent/mortgage + expenses emergency fund to tide you over?

      1. Essentially that I was good but not good enough. I have 3 months of savings but my student loans are going to start being due in 4 months and them I’m totally up a creek if I don’t find something new. I just wish at some point before today she had said I wasn’t doing a good enough job, rather than just firing me out of the blue.

        1. Smells like a layoff. They try to CYA by saying “not good enough” but given how new you are at the job, they realized they couldn’t afford you after you started.

          Cosmos and cupcakes!!!

          Big hugs to you. Ditto that you should get all of the severance, etc., in writing and then take a day or two to watch all the TV. :)

        2. Ouch. That is so unfair. It’s an ambush– when they won’t tell you what they don’t like, and therefore rob you of the opportunity to fix things, and then drop the bomb on you.

          Now, I know people use the term “firing” loosely. I admit that i sometimes use the terms sloppily, but Ask a Manager explains the distinctions:
          http://www.askamanager.org/2012/06/fired-vs-laid-off-and-the-difference-between-a-hiring-manager-and-hr.html

          Were you actually fired? If you weren’t, I would not say you were fired when you go on job interviews and they ask you what happened with this job.

          And see what momentsofabsurdity said about the checklist of things to do. Good luck, hon. It’s an awful situation, and I just wish managers (and employers) were better about these things.

          1. Looking at the list I’m not sure, she used the term “terminated’ and since she was saying I wasn’t good enough I’m guessing that qualified as cause… but it could be either.

        3. I am so sorry. The other ‘r e t t e s have given you great advice here. If your loans are federal, you can get a forbearance in the event you can’t make payments when they come due in four months due to unemployment or financial hardship. I would also suggest calling your private lenders to see if they would be willing to work something out. The worst thing they will say is no. {hugs}

      2. Really? Champagne and Cake?
        Cosmos and Cupcakes?
        Stupid and ridiculous!

        Come on ladies – these false expressions of sympathy come off as really condescending!

        2. I totally agree. The stars thing drives me nuts. I cringe everytime I see something on this site in stars. I really think this site has become condescending lately. For all the talk about strong overachievers, most days are just posts like *hugs* tea* cupcakes*. I guess it works for some people but if I ever told my friend I had a problem and she responded with Cupakes! wine! you are just a tiny baby feel better I will take care of you and send you hugs! I’d be like b*tch please. I feel like *cosmos and cupcakes* is something from a SNL skit about how ridiculous women are. (Btw this is not directed to the OP. losing a job like that SUCKS big time, and there is some good advice on this thread about getting it in writing, etc. But besides for the OP, a lot of the complaints on this site have been ridiculous lately, and then are fed by all this fake interet sympathy with all the hugs**]]}}??@@@\\\\ you’re the best, no you’re the best! Shower us with all the sweet treats and beverages of your choice! Women can solve problems without stuffing their face with sugar ya know.

          1. Please note that I request Monster Truck Jams & Tequila Shots if I am in need of internet sympathy one day.

          4. Kiley, you’re having a snitfit. Grow up.

            Are you god? If you’re not god, how do you know these people are being insincere?

            Also, I see no condescension if I’m having a tough day, and people send me virtual hugs, or cupcakes or whatnot. I think it’s sweet. That you see baser motives tells me way more about you than it does about the people you’re criticizing.

          5. No I’m not god dude. I don’t have to be god to express my opinion that I find something annoying. I just think that people do EXACTLY what you just did, which is flip out if someone expresses critizism or any tough love, so only the hugs and virtual cupcakes are left, and no actual advice is left. I kept mine to a general observation, but you turned yours into a personal attack against me, saying that I see baser motives. I clearly state that it works for some people, I personally, find it annoying. different opinions allowed! whoo!

          6. Kiley, you’re making assertions you can’t prove, so you’re being called on them.

            You say the cupcake stuff is insincere. You can’t prove that. So you’re just ascribing bad motivations, as AdaDoom was saying.

            You say that offering this type of sympathy is condescending. I don’t see the recipients of this sympathy complaining. Therefore, you are just flipping out.

            You’re not being attacked, your assertions are being attacked. There is a difference. If you keep failing to show comprehension of this difference, we’ll start thinking you’re quite stupid. Keep this up and there’ll be those asterisks everywhere, except they’ll be offering you brain cells and civility.

          7. I am sorry, but I am a regular and find Kiley’s analysis to be spot-on. The other regulars here tend to gang up on anyone who doesn’t agree with their version of things. And it isn’t cool.

            I do think that there is something to be said for expressions of sympathy or empathy, but to continually post “cupcakes and vodka” every time someone says something bad happened does not come off as sincere.

            The bees in this hive can really sting sometimes, so ease up a bit ladies!!!

    2. Let one of us take you out for a drink! Maybe even a lunch drink? Just know that this doesn’t define you. I wish I had better advice. {{hugs}}

    3. Oh my gosh. I am so so so sorry. This happened to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago (boss called her in for a ‘quick word’ at the end of the day, let her know to pack up her stuff and be out with no word).

      Take a few moments, breathe. Make sure you write down what they’re offering you (severance pay, no contest to unemployment benefits, whatever) and then email them to confirm what they said, so it’s in writing. Then take the rest of your day to crawl into bed, watch trashy tv, and wallow. I’m so sorry this is happening to you!

      1. Thank you for the checklist of things. I hadn’t even thought about it no matter how many times everyone says “get things in writing”
        Trashy TV sounds like the perfect thing to do for the rest of the day.

      2. +1, especially about confirming everything in writing. Also ask if they have placement services to help you find a new job, and touch base with people you’ve worked with to ask for references. Hugs.

    4. I’m so sorry to hear this.

      First of all, it’s happened to a lot of us, and very often these decisions are more about the company and less about you. Don’t let it affect your self-worth for one moment – it’s harmful and probably does not reflect reality.

      Second, try to hit the ground running. I would allow yourself one day to absorb what’s happened and then start revamping your resume and LinkedIn page, reaching out to contacts, and applying for positions tomorrow. It might take a while to find a new position, so starting early is smart, and focusing on finding the next thing rather than losing the current thing is psychologically important.

      Third, you WILL be okay. Whether you have 3 months worth of rent + expenses or not, things will somehow be okay. I can’t tell you how, but I was in a similar situation, and it wasn’t easy but it was okay.

    5. This happened to me last year. I was blindsided and it was awful, I had been making hours and doing (what I thought was) good work. I had not received any poor feedback before I happened. Based on some things I learned afterwards, I have my own theory as to why I was fired (totally unfair and unjust, but a reason nonetheless). I tried to stay positive and take it as an opportunity to find a job I loved, etc. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat, though…it sucked. It sucked having to explain it in interviews (I was honest and said basically what I said here — that I thought everything was good, I was meeting hours, learning new things, etc and was blindsided…I didn’t bad mouth anyone, but said that I thought it was due to incomparable work styles with the partner I worked for.) I was lucky that some of the people I worked with offered to give me recommendations so I took them up on that as a way to highlight the fact that i was doing good work, but just not a good fit for what they needed.

      I recommend reaching out to anyone and everyone who you think can be a referral. Try to take anything that shows you were doing good work when this happened — writing samples, hours, reviews. Don’t go into hiding. Be active immediately. Start gathering information and decide next steps now (go have a good cry or a bottle of wine and a box of cake but then pick yourself up and take action). Do you have anyone that can help you get organized right now?

      1. Sorry for all the typos. Writing from my phone. I meant to write incompatible styles. And to not have all the other typos :)

    6. Oh no! I’m so sorry! What a shock! I second everything momentofabsurity said. Do you have friends/an SO who can take you out and baby you a little today? I think this merits ALL THE COOKIES.

    7. I’m so, so sorry. Definitely seconding Moments’ idea of taking care of quick business and then crawl into bed. Then tomorrow, call your loan providers and talk to them. There are options.

    8. Thank you everybody, you’re all so wonderful! I am going to make a check list of things to email my former boss about and then I think I’m just going to curl up for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I will start applying for jobs again and hopefully get on to the next thing.

      1. You say you are at least 4 hours from every other ‘rette – but I would strongly doubt it, we are everywhere :-) If you let us know where you are maybe there is someone nearby? I, for example, am situated in Bergen, Norway, and would be happy to meet you for some insanely expensive drinks!

        1. I live on an island 2 hours from land and then another 1.5-2 from Boston, depending on traffic.

          1. Hiding, I spend a lot of time on the Cape. West Falmouth, to be exact. I was there this past weekend and will be there again this weekend. Let me know if you want to get a drink on the mainland.

          2. Despite being a left coaster, I spend a lot of time there visiting family. I highly highly recommend the french bakery in downtown Falmouth (Maison Villatte) as the best place to source the delicious baked goods that will help you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back out there on the job market. I speak from personal experience as to the therapeutic powers of pastry- I am convinced their cheese bread is a huge part of why I’m starting to move on from the end of my engagement.

            I feel for you. Being blindsided is truly awful and you are absolutely justified in taking some time to wallow once you’ve made it thru the checklist of logistics.

          3. In case its not a MA island, but a RI island the fery comes close to where I am in Long Island, I would be happy to have drinks.

            Speaking of LI is anyone here training for the LI marathon? I know the course is flat so I thought it would be good as a first marathon and was looking for real world experience.

        2. We are practically neighbours (if you don’t count the North Sea in between us). However, you can come here for drinks, my credit card is still recovering from a Norwegian night out last year.

      2. I second all of the big hugs and chocolate! That’s terrible to blindside you like that. I think it’s happened to all of us…and things will get better. Do give yourself some time to absorb it, and then hit the ground running! Now that it is the new year many firms and companies are hiring, so go get something you will like.

    9. I am so sorry this happened to you. You should know that in many states, in your circumstances, you may be able to collect unemployment unless you were fired for “gross misconduct” (e.g., theft, screaming obscenities in a client meeting). Best of luck.

  6. Regarding the dress – I don’t like the way the shoulder straps cut in from the shoulders instead of going straight up from the armpit. It looks like the top of a Speedo swimsuit.

  7. Just got caught teary-eyed with my office door open. (No actual tears, but welled-up.) I was just thinking about the way I spent my weekend – going through stuff in my attic to get ready to move and coming across love letters and other momentos to and from my now ex-h. Feeling pretty raw the past couple of days, but the emotion kind of crept up on me. If I’d have known I was going to have some red eyes, I would have shut my door, but a partner wandered in before I had the chance.

    The partner is a nice person who knows that I am dealing with becoming a single mom, the move, etc., and I was able to pull myself together quickly. But I am frustrated with myself because I want to project a professional image, especially now that I’m struggling with my personal life.

    Not really looking for advice, necessarily. Just needed to vent for a minute.

    1. You are human, presumably your partner is human. I am sure s/he sent a mental hug or positive thought your way. Personally, I think more of people when I see that they have some element of human. Just keep kicking butt at work and I am sure it will be forgiven. Hugs

    3. While I realize that crying in the office is frowned on, I think it’s only human to well up a little sometimes. Since this wasn’t because someone was mean to you in a meeting but because you’re going through one of the greatest, most emotionally fraught events life can offer, I think only a monster would think less of you for welling up. Especially if your work product hasn’t suffered. Even the most BigLaw of the BigLaw partners I used to work for gave me a pass when I was snuffling in my office one afternoon just after my grandma died. I also saw a (male) partner break down and shut his door in my face the day he put his dog down. We’re all still people.

      1. “We’re all still people.” +1, TBK

        And I don’t think your partner would hold it against you. I’m sorry you’re going through a really tough time, Good grief, I hope things get better for you soon.

      2. +1

        I’m sorry for what you are going through. Do not feel bad about being human.

    4. Sorry you’re feeling bad. I know you’re frustrated with yourself, but give yourself a break. I think there’s a big difference between being teary at work and letting your personal life get in the way of being effective at work. As long as the partner sees you getting the work done and not falling apart, he/she will cut you some slack, I’d think.

      I also had a pretty awful weekend and admit to having gotten teary this morning. I cried in the weight room on Saturday. I felt like an idiot but there were only a couple other people in there and they probably just thought I was sweating (or tearing up from getting sweat in my eyes).

    5. Sorry you’re going through this. It’s not just us ladies that occasionally have a cry at the office. I worked with one partner through the years that I occasionally saw teary-eyed when family/friends passed away. And two male partners teared up when I told them I was leaving the firm. It’s really not a big deal to be a human being sometimes.

    6. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. So seriously, as everyone else has said, please don’t be too hard on yourself about this. Everyone is human. And it’s not like you were tearing up because someone cut you off in a meeting–you are dealing with one of the hardest things a person can deal with. Cut yourself a break.

      Also, I always share this in threads about crying at work, but here it is again: My first year out of college, in my first grown-up job, I cried in front of my supervisor. Tears. Snotty nose. Offered tissues. The whole shebang. My family was going through something very, very difficult at the time, and I had to unexpectedly ask to leave early for the day to deal with a crisis, and I just lost it. And while I know crying at work (much less in front of your boss!) is supposedly verboten, she was nothing but understanding, and it had zero impact on our professional relationship.

      Everybody’s human. You are, your boss is, the man who walked into your office is.

  8. Hi ladies. Need some advice – I’ve been on the pill for about 7 or 8 months now. (I’m on my second iteration, as the first one gave me some pretty awful mood swings). I’ve also noticed that I’ve been feeling really low energy for the past 4-5 months and a complete lack of motivation at work.

    I know low energy is a potential side effect of the pill but just wondering if anyone else experienced the motivation issue while on the pill? I’m seeing my doctor to get his opinion but I really don’t want to stop taking the pill if there’s something else going on.

    Thanks hive!

    2. If you haven’t had a regular checkup, maybe it’s time. Tell the doctor you feel low energy – let him/her figure it out.

      Fwiw, being tired is what let’s me know I’m sick. My bloodwork always comes back with some sort of vitamin deficiency (you’d think I’d be better at taking my vitamins by now).

    3. I would reccomend getting a blood test to check for any thyroid issues. Just in the past year, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and that was the reason I was feeling sluggish, tired, achy.

    4. I was seriously fatigued regardless of how much sleep I got during the 9 months or so that I was on the pill. Combined with some other side effects, I decided to stop taking the pill. But I don’t recall motivation issues. Definitely talk to your doctor to determine if something else could be going on, and consider trying other pills because they’re all a little different. But I’ve also been much happier off the pill.

  9. I didn’t check out the weekend open thread at all until late last night when I couldn’t sleep…I figured it was a bit too late to comment on your post, but I just wanted to say good for you for taking care of yourself! And that I hope you are doing OK this morning!
    -De

    2. Thanks guys! I’m doing okay – no response to my text (the one I sent saying he owed me a conversation), but then, I didn’t expect one. Work was busy this weekend, and will be busy all week so hopefully that will keep my mind off it for a while.

      The more I think about it, the gladder I am that I know now and the more secure I feel in my decision to end things. So I’m going to take a bit of a break from the dating pool and after that, hopefully, it’s on to bigger and better things.

      1. Hey MOA, did you read The Marriage Plot (Jeffrey Eugenides). I don’t know if it’s an accurate description of what it’s like to live with someone who has bipolar disorder, but you may find it interesting. Sorry to hear about how your relationship ended, and I totally understand that you want some sort of conversation to mark the closure of the relationship, but it sounds like he may not be willing to give you that. Hugs.

      2. I just caught up on the Weekend Thread and yes, I think you did so right to end things. I’m sorry he’s being so immature about it. You’re awesome no matter what he does.

        2. Thanks guys! I’m also sorry he’s not being nice about it, but I accept that it might be out of his control to be “nice” to me in this moment (which doesn’t mean I have to take it or accept it – just that I want to let go of feelings of anger and blame).

      4. Hi MOA, I just caught up too, I meant to respond when you first mentioned the bipolar disorder, but you know how things go sometimes.

        Long story short, someone very close to me was in a relationship with a man with bipolar disorder for several years. Several only because they bought a house together before she became aware of the full implications of his diagnosis and failure/refusal to properly manage it, and it took that long to escape. She was very, very unhappy in the meantime, and was totally blindsided by this other side of her SO–when they were living apart, he had limited their time together such that she’d only seen him in the “up” times, when he was a really great guy by any objective measure.

        I’m sorry your story turned out this way (especially after such a promising start!), but I think you may have dodged a bullet by ending the relationship now. Not that people with psychological differences can’t have successful relationships, but it takes a LOT of work from both sides.

        1. Thank you so much! I think “blindsided by the other side” is an apt descriptor – it was just so different from how he had treated me otherwise. And I think I want to be the kind of person that can shatter stereotypes about people with psychological disorders being in healthy relationships, but I’m just… not. And I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is, you know?

  10. My mom is coming to visit this weekend and the freak-out has already started. We just bought our house last year and I completely love it. But my mom has a very critical eye and now I’m seeing everything through her eyes. Luckily the maid service will come give it all a scrub down between now and then (so I didn’t spend this weekend on my hands and knees frantically scrubbing baseboards and obsessing over spots…and driving Mr. TBK up. the. frickin. wall.) Intellectually I know that all that matters is that I love the house and Mr. loves the house, but I still have this feeling that I want my mom to love and approve of everything about my life. I realize that’s unreasonable. Especially since what makes me happy in life is very different from what makes her happy. (I’m waaaaaay more traditional/buttoned down/boring/conventional than she is. WAAAAY. Ever watch AbFab? My mom is a much, much better mom than Eddie, but Eddie/Saffron kind of sums it up.) I have the “well, we like it, mom” response at the ready, but just still having trouble taming the anxiety.

    1. Schedule a spa/recuperating activity for the day after your mother leaves. Focus on that. Mother-daughter relationships can be special – don’t let it get to you.

    2. ! Eddie-Saffy is so….whoah.

      At least I can say this of her visit: This, too, shall pass.

      Just autolisten when she gives her suggestions, critiques. Autolisten is like autopilot– nod, nod, pretend to listen, nod, nod, in one ear out the other, nod, nod until they’re done blabbing. :-)

      1. Well, it’s not bad/dysfunctional/alcoholic/materialistic/shallow. My mom is a perfectly good mom. But let’s just say she’d have been thrilled if I brought home a guitar-playing, motorcycle-riding, tatooed artist, and instead I married a southern gentleman lawyer from a military family.

        1. Can you privately enjoy the humor in your situation? Your description of your mom’s ideal vs actual son-in-law made me smile. No disrespect intended.

          1. None taken. Yeah, we’re weirdly flip-flopped. The ideal SIL description, um, that also fits both my dad and my step-dad. No tatoos on either, but that’s a generational thing, I think. If they were 30 yrs younger, they definitely would have tattoos. Basically my mom thinks that whatever she likes should be what everyone likes. Also, basically, my mom has the tastes of a college freshman while I was pretty much born a mid-thirtysomething professional.

  11. I bought the J Cr*w No 2 pencil skirt in bright sapphire blue and now wonder what to wear on my legs in cold weather. Tights? What color, texture? Will wear the skirt with either booties or low heels ( bad feet, can’t wear high heels). Suggestions welcome. Also, if you suggest tights I’d love to know your favorite brand. I have black opaque Hue and DKNY, but nothing and need to branch out.

      1. I wear patterned black tights or stockings with solid color skirts. I have picked up most of them from Nordtsrom – black dots, a diamond pattern, a couple of chevrons and florals as well. When it’s colder, I go for the diamond or chevron since they are primarily thick and opaque with only the pattern in sheer lines.

    2. In the winter, I’m actually a fan of sheer nude-for-me stockings with bright blue, but you could also try “nude” patterned tights or fishnets if sheer stockings are too conservative for you. I’ve had luck finding a good range of Hue and Spanx tights at Macy’s.

    3. I wear black tights with my bright blue skirt, but I only ever wear a black top with it, so YMMV.

  12. For those in business for yourself, what methods have you used to get clients in the door? Am seeking free or low-cost options and already have my info on every professional “search here for a ____ in your area” kinds of websites, the business website is up and updated, I joined the local chamber of commerce, and I’m not sure if there’s more I can be doing or if I just need to be patient and give it time.

    In the same thought, what would make you consider going to a new medical practice in your area?

    Thanks for your ideas!

    1. 1. Good weekend hours
      2. Willingness to have late evening or very early morning hours on the weekdays.

      Not sure what sort of medical practice this would be, but if it’s for GPs, then, a GP that upon the first office visit demonstrated great listening skills, and was consistent with that.

      The GPs that don’t seem to really listen (see what I wrote in a different thread about autolistening), don’t get a return visit from me. Medicine is hard enough even when you do get all the info you need from a patient; it’s much harder if you don’t listen. Great way to f– up a diagnosis.

      2. Second the point about GPs who listen. I tried a new GP and he basically just reeled off a long list of lab tests he wanted me to take. I tried interjecting and telling him that my OBGYN had done some of the bloodwork he recommended a couple of weeks ago but he barely responded to that or to any of my other questions. Needless to say, I haven’t been back to him since then

        1. I have my own binder of fun Ru medical facts, which includes photocopies of lab results and cd’s of imaging. When the doctors start jabbering medicaltalk at me, I would quietly pull out my binder full of stuff and they would stop talking, amazed. I would hand them whatever test they wanted to perform on me and they’d read it and understand whatever the lab meant and that would help push along the path to diagnosis. It took me about 18 months to reach this point, with scrounging through all of my purses to find all the various photocopies but I did it, as super organized as it sounds (I am not a super organized person in real life).

          1. Somehow, your first line made me think of “binders full of women.”

            *scrubs brain to clear it of media and political detritus*

          1. How do you convince docs and labs to give you all the results??? I have to jump through 5 hoops to get a photocopy of any result.

    2. I have no problem answering this marketing question because I hope somebody benefits from it – my medical practice wishlist:
      1. Email availability, with 24-hour turnaround
      2. Online scheduling
      3. Polite and professional receptionist and medical staff
      4. Coordinated labwork
      5. A streamlined and easy to read website – fancy graphics and moving things that slow down my computer do not impress

      1. OMGS yes to number 3. I am unbelievably polite to receptions and medical staff, and always pleasant, and I never raise my voice or blame them, but it is insane the type of treatment I have sometimes gotten from them. I wonder if doctors have ever considered doing a sort of “secret shopper” thing on their own staff.

        To be fair, though, I think part of this is me getting used to living in New York and not Texas anymore.

        I also agree on number 1. My current doctor sometimes e-mails me back on substantive things within 30 minutes, which is UNBELIEVABLE. I’m in love with him.

        1. I’ve been going to One Medical Group here in NYC and I love it. SO WORTH THE MEMBERSHIP FEE, although I wouldn’t have minded a coupon code for less.

          1. I loved One Medical when I lived in San Francisco. I loved that they always had tea in the office and the staff was so responsive.

      2. Along the lines of #3, make sure your staff knows what they’re doing with billing. When staff tries to charge copays when they’re not supposed to or bills for the wrong things, it comes of as uninformed/unprofessional at best and dishonest/unethical at worst.

        1. And supremely annoying. I understand that medical billing is extremely complex (thank you insurance companies) but this is your job, please do it. And I show up because I’m sick, not to p!ss you off. Being rude at me just sucks.

        2. My orthopedic surgeon and his P.A. are awesome but his office staff almost made me find someone else. He rescheduled my knee surgery from late December to early January and that meant getting new authorization from my insurance company and his staff person didn’t do it. I was driving around on the Friday before my Monday surgery on the phone between the hospital, my insurance company, and my doctor’s office. I didn’t find out until 5:00 that evening that it was all approved and I was having my surgery. I did tell my doctor about it and, judging from his reaction, it wasn’t the first time it had happened. So stressful. After situations like this and getting billed because the hospital failed to get authorization, I realized I have to keep completely on top of these things for myself.

      3. I agree with all of these! I never really stayed with a doctor consistently because it was always such a production to make an appointment or ask a question. I’ve stayed with my current doctor because she makes it so easy to do everything online.

        And the reason why I started going to her was because she gave a lecture at an event–maybe that’s something you could do, to market yourself a bit?

      4. YES on all of this. Especially the availability including on email. I had this in another state and loved it. They had a secure messaging system and I could email questions and get a response that day. If you figure that many people are trying to contact the doctor during work hours and most people don’t have private offices, being able to ask a question without 20 co-workers overhearing it is huge.

    3. If you used zocdoc. I think for the 20s professionals types, availability and ability to schedule online is very important.

      1. I second zocdoc, as well as early morning hours. I once chose a dentist solely because they offered 7 am appointments.

      3. Based on recs from this site, I used zocdoc to find a new PCP. I liked the patient reviews and the ability to look at appt times (not only for the day I wanted, but to see if the doctor was generally available on Saturdays, early/late, etc.). Haven’t had the appointment yet, but I am cautiously optimistic about it.

        1. Never heard of zocdoc but definitely going to use it from now on. Finding a doctor and making appointments is something I find to be incredibly challenging. I think a lot of it is just me, but being able to do things online makes it so much less daunting.

          1. AND you can create a calendar reminder! with address! and phone number! automatically!

          2. One time I schedule an appointment through zocdoc, and then the doctor’s office cancelled it. I made another one on the phone- it wasn’t a huge deal. But zocdoc called me, apologized, and sent me a $25 gift card to amazon because it hadn’t worked out.

    4. How about speaking to or working with some civic groups? My mom’s internist for several decades was a woman she heard speak at a Junior League meeting. She was a young doctor then looking to build her patient base and she definitely got a few leads doing that. Those happy patients in turn referred her to their friends and family.

      1. I would agree with this. Can you either speak for or join a local Junior League/Rotary/Lions Club/Kiwanis etc? Also, if you are still slow, take the time to make all your other appointments (hairdresser, dentist, optometrist, etc) and be sure to mention that you just opened up a new practice – not in a pushy, salesperson way, just conversationally. These people talk to dozens of people a week, so if one of their clients mentions they are in need of a new x, they might suggest you.

  13. My SO might be laid off this week. He is job hunting and was planning to quit once he found a new job so this is happening slightly earlier than desired. If he gets laid off, it will cause a little financial strain but nothing devastating. He seems prepared though I expect it’s still a sucky thing to have to go through and it will still be some what of a shock to him.

    I am a total glass half full person and on the bright side, it was a job he hated and made him miserable anyway and for the better in the long term. Still, I think I need pointers on how to be more supportive and understanding in the short to medium term.

    Any thoughts on how I can help and support him through this if it happens?

    1. I am your SO, except I was laid off last week. Things my SO have done so far that have helped:

      1. I know (because he told me and because of his actions) that he does not think the lay off is my fault, and he does not blame me/is not resentful that we need to be tightening our belts and shifting financial priorties.

      2. Spending extra time with me when he is not at work. (e.g. sitting next to me on the couch while I watch bad TV when he might otherwise go into the other room and watch sports)

      3. Listening to every mundane lay-off related thought I have had in the past week.

      4. Not expecting that I will immediately start taking care of everything household related (I AM doing more of the cooking, and cleaned the entire house one day, but this was mainly to focus my energy. I also will do more, because I now have more free time, but…)

      5. Being supportive of my plans to network/see friends/get out of the house, even if this will incur (albeit small) expenses. Related: Being supportive of me spending the money to sign up for a gym, despite the extra expense, and being supportive of me using frequent flier miles to plan a trip to see a friend accross the country so that I can get a break.

      6. Recognizing that we’re a team and this means he needs to cut back as much as I do. We are married/combined finances, so YMMV, but if you are dating, being understanding about/suggesting more dinners in, cheap dates, etc. may take some stress off.

      7. Appreciating that even though I hated my job, being laid off is still hard!

      2. These are great suggestions! Your SO is awesome. (And so are you, for sharing these tips.)

    2. I was in this position–negotiating salary with another firm in the morning, laid-off in the afternoon. The day I was laid-off, the fact that I already had another job was kind of humorous. The next day, that informal offer seemed like it would never be formalized and I felt just like any other laid-off person. So I think it’s important to recognize that he will still be going through the emotional devastation of the lay-off even though he has options.

    3. Wanda, it’s great that you’re a glass half-full person. I think letting him tell you how to help would be good, unless he’s one of those men who won’t communicate. Then you might have to draw him out. Does he want distraction, practical help, good company?

      The positive thing about being laid off (as opposed to quitting) is that one gets to collect unemployment benefits (usually) so you could help him navigate that system – which can be a nightmare or can be easy, depending on state/county.

  14. I didn’t have a chance to comment on the weekend post.

    Moments of Absurdity – my sister-in-law went through the exact same thing as you. Her relationship was a little longer and had included talks of marriage and moving in together. Luckily, she hadn’t moved in. He went radio silence, had a bit of a breakdown, wouldn’t allow her in his life at all. His condition was also bipolar. Ultimately, she decided that she couldn’t have someone that would treat her like that in her life, regardless of that person’s reason for doing so. If you would like to talk with someone who has *been there* I’m sure she would be happy to email with you.

    I also forwarded her a link with a great story from a guy who lived the awful depression and pushed his girlfriend away and why he did it. This wasn’t to make her feel sorry for him and take him back. It was to help her self esteem and to realize it had nothing to do with her and there was absolutely nothing she could have done to make him act differently. The blog I found the story on has since changed but I bet someone with more time than me can narrow it down. It is from Ben Does Life. Here is his about me page. http://bendoeslife.tumblr.com/about. The link in question had to do with an interview with an ex-girlfriend for film class.

    For the food allergy person: I have been told our allergies change every seven years. I was allergic to red dye as a toddler, not as a teenager, and allergic again when I turned 21. I’m pretty sure I’m still allergic. I also wanted to mention my red dye allergy just in case your carrot soup had dye in it. You would be surprised what foods have dye.

    2. Oh! The food allergy poster…I’ve been having the same hive issue, is it right where you’d hold your phone? I’m convinced it’s something on my office phone and am getting ready to wipe it down with antibacterial. However, I did mean to comment as well, sometimes I get hives when I’m super stressed, is that a possibility?

  15. I found out this weekend that my mother has been saying hurtful things about me and my DH to my siblings as well as spreading around something we asked her to keep to herself. When asked who all she told, she lied and said she didn’t tell anyone. (Which is not the case.) I hate dealing with this stuff.

    Which leads me to my question: When you ladies recognize that you do things that you don’t like, how do you stop doing it? I do not want to be anything like my mom in many ways, and I see too much of her in me already. I’m sure this is a good thing to discuss in therapy, but what other ways do you ladies get rid of bothersome behaviors in yourself?

    1. My mom has many admirable traits, and a few not-so-great ones. I’ve definitely found some of her not-so-great traits cropping up in my own behavior.

      The thing that’s worked best for me, and YMMV, is when I’m about to react, I take a few seconds and sometimes, literally count to 10 (in another language that’s difficult for me, if that’s necessary.)

      Because those reactions that I get from her, are ones I’ve observed ever since I was a wee kid, and are coded into my brain stem and part of my autopilot, practically, and the first things I reach for unless I take a few seconds to allow reason, language, and empathy to kick in. Breaking the autopilot gives me a chance to led the real Susedna come out, rather than “Susedna’s bad habit of mimicking Mom.”

      1. This. I think going to therapy and wrestling with my relationship with my mother really helped put these behaviors in context and trained me to recognize these behaviors in myself. Now, it’s all about mindfulness and consciously making a decision to not do that behavior.

        Also, I am very honest with romantic partners about these behaviors and my best relationships were where he could tell me when I’m doing those things.

    2. I love my dad, but he is unnecessarily negative & cynical. When I catch myself doing the same things he does regularly (which I feel like I not only have a natural inclination towards, but that I also have been conditioned to do), I force myself to act in the exact opposite way. For example, when I want to criticize my boyfriend about something he hasn’t done (that really isn’t important in the scheme of things)… instead I’ll give him a compliment about something I like about him. I feel like it’s a mental slap on the wrist as well as an exercise in behavior modification.

  17. After seven months, I have to just admit to myself and the world (wide web) that I do not like my co-worker. Just don’t like the guy, at all. Don’t like his personality, his attitude, his work. And there’s nothing I can or should do about it, so I will now proceed with my life possessed of this truth and feeling grateful that I can co-exist pleasantly with a real as*hat.

  18. I’m wondering how other attorneys keep track of their important court dates. I do have a secretary but typically do not rely on her because she’s not very organized. When I started this position, I took all my files and now keep the open files in my office. She is the only secretary available to me. I have between 50 and 75 cases in court per week ranging from “small” stuff to “really big” stuff. The daily work doesn’t cause me problems. I’m having more trouble keeping track of filing deadlines, notes/reminders to myself to do things and the like. I’d be open to any system that doesn’t take an enormous amount of time (there isn’t a lot of free time….), paper or electronic. All ideas would be appreciated.

    1. Don’t you have a tickler system? Every single court deadline gets entered into mine. It reminds you 1 month out, 7 days, 3 days, 1 day.

      I enter all other things that I need to remember to do in my personal work calendar.

      1. No, no tickler system. My office does not supply this (obviously), so is there one you would recommend?

        1. Oh I work at a firm so I use our system. Maybe use your Outlook calendar? It seems crazy to me a firm would not have a system for that. I think our Bar requires you to use one!

      2. What do you mean by a tickler system? Is it a separate piece of software, or do you just enter deadlines in outlook?

    2. I calendar everything in three places–paper calendar, outlook calendar, and outlook tasks. I set reminders up in outlook and I review my “tasks” every morning. I make notes tracking progress and what needs to be done.

      1. Okay, thanks. Maybe I should get Outlook – don’t have that, either, sort of like the Dark Ages, but at least it would send me reminders. It seems a little impractical for all cases (see above, number of cases) but maybe I could do this for only my big ones.

        1. Outlook is part of the MS Office suite. If you don’t have it, you could set up something similar in Google calendar. I love that you can automate reminders on Google calendar – every event has a 30 min text, 3 hour text, and 24 email or whatever you want to do.

    3. I have three calendars, my work “practice manager” calendar, my outlook (which syncs to my phone) and my paper calendar. All deadlines, reminders and appointments go in the practice manager calendar. All deadlines and appointments go on the outlook calendar. Only drop dead major big deadlines (that would be malpractice to miss) and actually places I need to be/in office appointments go in the paper calendar. With all the crazy little discovery deadlines the practice manager calendar ends up totally overwhelming. I like that I can just look at my paper calender and see where I need to be and what is super important for that week.

    4. Also, you have to train your secretary. Each pleading that comes in that creates a deadline, email her to calendar the deadline for you and set reminders. In the beginning, you will have to tell her what you want for reminders. Always check her calculations. Always double check that things ended up calendered. But, don’t let her off the hook just because she sucks. If you have to figure it out anyway make her figure it out too. That is how you catch if you calculate it wrong or if you miss something. Two people are doing the entries. Plus, it takes a lot longer to calculate and enter the deadlines when you have as many as you have. Having her enter them, even if you calculate them will save time.

      To start, you can email her what you want calendared and have her write back when it is done. This only works if you have an electronic system that both of you can access.

    2. (((HUGS))) I’ve been there. It’s hard. Give yourself time to grieve. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to curl up in bed & cry if you need to. Talk to your SO, but also find someone not so close to the situation that you can talk to as well. Ignore anyone who says anything insensitive. Miscarriage tends to bring out the stupid comments from people. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! (((HUGS))))

    3. Sweetie, I am so sorry. Lots of hugs! I second what the above posters say – give yourself time to grieve and process. Don’t feel like you need to put our game face on for the world.

    4. I’m so sorry. Take as much time to grieve as you need. It’s trite but, time will help heal the wound.

    5. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I have been there (and am still there). I had a mc on Christmas and am still feeling lost. I posted on 1/7 here under this handle and got lots of great advice, so I suggest looking up that thread. What has helped so far has been trying as much as possible to focus on doing things that make me happy and improve my life. So, for the past couple of weeks I have gotten back into my workout routine, gotten a manicure/pedicure, and tried to reconnect with friends. I still have a pit in my stomach every time I think about it, and I am still grieving, unable to sleep normally, and think about it a lot. I am also going to schedule an appointment with a therapist to talk about it, as people have tried to be supportive but are now moving on and I don’t want to feel like I am constantly bringing it back up with friends/family, but I am still not over it. I’ve been told it gets better with time. Hoping that is the case. Hugs.

      1. Thank you all for your advice. It helps to hear that other women have been in the same place, because this grief feels so isolating. I just wish I could figure out a way to not feel so hollow.

        1. I can totally relate. It is a very lonely and isolating place to be. I still have a very heavy heart, and it’s hard for me to act “normal” around people. Talking to people who have gone through a miscarriage helped me feel a little less alone – I had one friend who experienced an early miscarriage who I reached out to quite a bit early on, and I also read a lot of the online grief/loss forums on whattoexpect. But honestly, for me I’m starting to think that getting pregnant again might be the way to not feel so empty. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment, but starting to think about ttc again actually is the only thing that makes me feel hopeful.

          1. I was the same way. I was very very emotional after my MC, and what helped was getting pregnant again very quickly (2 months afterwards). Not the right decision for everyone, but it really helped me heal and move forward.

        2. I’m really sorry for your loss. Try to find a girlfriend who you can share your feelings with and who knows what to say in this sort of situation. When I had my miscarriage, I was surprised that the people I tend to rely on a lot (hubby, mom, bff) did not know what to say or how to comfort me, so I found comfort talking to another girlfriend and that helped tremendously. Hang in there, it does get better (I’m now pregnant again).

        4. It really does take time. Even now, 17 years later, I get feeling a little blue, especially in May when my due date was. And if I ever think back to those days when the m/c actually happened, I still get that empty feeling. Even now, 2 more m/c & 3 successful pg later. Life goes on, and when you’re ready, life will go on for you too. But don’t feel like you need to rush it. You aren’t just mourning the loss of a baby, you’re mourning the lifestyle & life changes that were going to come along with it. And it hurts. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to take the time you need. (((HUGS)))

    6. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself as much time as you need.

      *hugs*

      *vodka & chocolate cake*

  20. Thank you for the veggie friendly tailgating food recommendations from over the weekend! We ended up having plenty of food so I didn’t need another dish, but I plan on making that bean dip that someone recommended at a later date.

    Also, for those who celebrate, Happy Pongal/Maha Shankaranti today! I gorged on pongal yesterday – YUM.

  21. Not sure if I’m looking for advice or to vent, but it’s 360 review time and I have three to do this week. Ugh. I really value my 360 feedback and want to give quality feedback to them but I never know what to say, particularly for one person who I’ve only worked with for a couple of months. To add to it, all three are technically my superiors on the org chart.

    How do you approach 360 reviews?

    1. Carefully.

      Have you given feedback to these three people before? Just wanting to know if you are able to gauge how well these people respond to constructive criticism (if you have any), and whether they will be able to figure out that it’s you, and whether they will be retaliatory or not.

      Some people respond very well to this, and take these comments on board. Others pretend they do, and nurse a grievance, and still others will strike back pretty quickly.

    2. Lie like a rug. Say only nice things.

      I have never ever EVER seen 360 feedback implemented without coming back to bite you, unless it is in a huge company where all of the people completing the review are fungible.

      1. I would add one or two minor criticisms with easy fixes. If everything is 100% hunky-doory it can look fake and like you are afraid to give criticism. I agree that in this position you may not want to give criticism. It is like being in a job interview and being tasked to name your greatest weakness or something. Find the job interview equivalent answer for the people you are reviewing.

        For example, for a totally scatterbrained boss, you could say “since you give me many assignments, we could probably work together more effectively if we discussed the priority of each assignment at the time it is assigned but then if that priority changes on your end for some reason, that you update me. Maybe my secretary could check in with your secretary weekly to make sure priorities are the same. Since you tend to be busy, is that the best way for us to make sure you update me?”

    3. First time for all of them. Comments are definitely “anonymous” – no names, but I can always tell who said what on mine.

      I only have glowing things to say about one. One is ‘fine,’ but certainly would not take anything remotely negative well (frankly, they already scares me). The other is a mystery. I have nothing to say about them and have no idea how they would take it.

      Now I’m loathing this even more!

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