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Thursday’s Workwear Report: A-Line Midi Skirt

A woman wearing a black top, houndstooth skirt, and black heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This houndstooth A-line skirt from Halogen will transition nicely from summer to fall. For summer, I’d wear it with a short-sleeved turtleneck and some loafers. Once the weather cools off, I’d add in some tights and a cashmere sweater.

As an added perk, the skirt is machine washable and dryable, although I’d probably still lay flat to dry out of an abundance of caution.

The skirt is $99 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.

Sales of note for 12.5

338 Comments

  1. Are any of you currently using meal prep delivery boxes (I.e. Hello Fresh) or have used them in the past?

    Which ones were your favorite and what did you see as the pros and cons? I have two tweens who I’m encouraging to start helping with dinner and am an uninspired cook myself, so like the idea of recipes ready-to-go.

    1. I’ve tried a bunch of them — Blue Apron, Purple Carrot, and Hello Fresh. My favorite is Hello Fresh in terms of timing of the recipes and freshness/taste. Blue Apron was easy, but the quality of the produce and ingredients wasn’t always very good. Purple Carrot in my experience was the best in terms of ingredients, and the recipes were always excellent. But there is SO MUCH CHOPPING (which shouldn’t be surprising since it’s plant based!) that the recipes would take me double the time that the card said. And I’m no slouch when it comes to chopping! Hello Fresh strikes a good balance–I usually get the recipes done in the time it says on the card, and I’ve had a good experience with the quality of everything. I actually kept a bunch of the Hello Fresh and Purple Carrot cards for inspiration even after I stopped getting the boxes.

      I will say that to get everything done in the time the card says, you have to be pretty quick with prep, which might be challenging for kids learning to cook. Also they won’t be measuring much or gathering up the ingredients since they all come in a bag group together. I think those parts are skills as well. Having said that, if you don’t mind it taking some extra time, this is a good way to go. I have a friend (in her 40s) who never learned how to cook, and she has been learning through a combo of Hello Fresh boxes and a couple of very basic cook books. She said it takes her at least double the time to make the recipes in Hello Fresh, but she’s learned a lot!

    2. I used them in the past. Pros were variety and not having to meal plan. Cons were mountains of packaging and it always took much longer than the alleged 30 minutes. I used BlueApron and HelloFresh and liked HF better.

    3. I used Blue Apron. The packing waste was . . . wasteful (like, a half-teaspoon of chili powder in a small plastics bag), BUT for a short-term thing in order to teach tweens to cook, I think it’s a great idea. Probably good for learning how to follow directions/do things logically, which might help elsewhere too.

      If I did it, I’d just try to compensate by reducing my use of disposables even more than I already do, which is extreme. I guess it’s comparable to using disposable diapers for a few years?

    4. Tried Blue Apron in the past. Didn’t care for it because the problem we were solving for – quick weeknight meals – wasn’t the problem the kits solve for – not wanting to meal plan or shop and seeking new recipes. For your use case they sound great, although they do come with mountains of waste and take at least 50% more prep time than promised, perhaps longer for tweens.

      1. It’s not quick for sure. I think its good for this and will give the tweens a guideline but there is so much waste and the recipes can take longer than it says.

      2. We tried a local service similar to Blue Apron and it was a bomb. Everything took longer than expected. And, although it solved the problem of deciding what to make, it ultimately was not a timesaver. The waste made me crazy, too.

    5. I’ve done Blue Apron; delicious but packaging was super wasteful and it required at least 45 minutes to make dinner. We were doing it for fun and to help my husband learn to cook, but he actually was turned off by it because he got the impression that cooking a good meal takes forever! I would suggest a fun cookbook as a potential alternative. I learned a lot about cooking from Rachael Ray’s cook books – her recipes are really easy to follow, I think have flavors tweens would like, and she has at least one “Express” cookbook where all meals are made from scratch and actually take under 30 minutes even for a beginner cook, which is pretty great. I worked my way through it in law school and 15 years later we still use that cookbook weekly.

      1. Agreed. I think meal kits take the joy out of cooking without teaching you important skills (improvising a bit with the ingredients in your kitchen, minimizing the number of steps and dirty dishes, choosing ingredients that can be used for multiple meals). A cook book with easy recipes will have the same benefits as a meal kit but without the terrible environmental impact.

    6. We’ve tried a few and I love Purple Carrot! Recipes are really good and don’t rely on cheese and ground meat or fake meat substitutes (recipes are vegan… we are pescatarian but prefer them to other meal kits). I haven’t found that they take longer than listed.

    7. We tried and liked HelloFresh. Pros: the meals were good, reasonably priced, lots of recipes to choose from, the recipes took mostly the time they said, and they’re not too difficult for inexperienced cooks, portions were well sized, plus the convenience of not having to meal plan or shop.
      Cons: lots of packaging, and lots of dishes/cleaning (a lot of the recipes involve both oven and stovetop cooking), and more expensive than going to the store.
      I asked to stop mostly because (1) we initially subscribed when our kid was 1 year old and I wanted easier meal planning and that wasn’t as much pressure anymore as our kid got older and (2) we wanted to cut our grocery budget.

    8. HelloFresh and Homechef were my favorites. It’s an excellent way to learn how to cook. Downside is packaging and small meals. No leftovers which is prefer to have.

    9. We’ve never done meal kits. I did not really learn to cook at home – my parents relied heavily on pre-made or boxed ingredients to make meals – so I took a couple of cooking classes from my local university extension program right after I got out of college, one on basic cooking skills and meal planning, and another shorter one about how to make quick meals with ingredients that were already in the refrigerator/pantry. That really helped me figure out how to take stuff I knew I could buy in the store and turn it into meals.

      If you want your tweens to learn to cook, I would start with teaching them how to shop for ingredients and then combine those ingredients into basic meals. Using meal kits will teach them how to cook a meal kit, where everything is already figured out and portioned out for them, which won’t help when they get to early adulthood and need to feed themselves, and maybe won’t have enough money to buy meal kits. Starting with simple stuff like stir-fry, or a basic meat-starch-veggie meal, will teach them enough basics that they can then build skills from there. I would teach kids how to saute and roast vegetables, how to grill, bake or pan-cook meat, and how to make rice without a rice cooker, as well as how to boil pasta. I don’t think it’s about being an “inspired” cook – I’m not that inspired, most of the time. But I know how to feed myself healthy meals and also have some variety, and that I think is more important than teaching fancy cooking techniques or how to make really creative dishes.

    10. We use Hello Fresh. Like other posters said, they have a good variety of meals (even for vegetarians), the potions are good, and the recipes take the amount of time specified.

      We use them because having three weeknight meals delivered really cut down on our take out or restaurant meals. Two working parents and a toddler – we just kind of got burned out on meal planning and cooking every single meal. It’s not cheap, but it’s cheaper and healthier than take out.

      If you are considering a meal kit, I can send you a link for free boxes of Hello Fresh. Post a burner.

    11. I would just look for cookbooks with simple recipes…there are tons. Blue Apron recipes are complicated and would be hard for a novice cook.

      1. I have a cookbook called “How to Boil Water” aimed at beginner cooks with lots of tips, easy recipes, etc. that would be great for this.

        1. I also have this cookbook! First bought it maybe in 2006? It would be perfect for this situation!

    12. Have tried a bunch (Blue Apron, Hello Fresh, Gobble, Green Chef, Everyplate) and keep returning to Home Chef as our favorite for quick week night dinners. I only buy their oven ready, fast and fresh or express options and they’re pretty accurate in terms of timing (maybe minus preheating the oven time). Cons are the wastefulness/trash, they aren’t the healthiest option (but some of that is probably due to my husband being a big meat eater) and I’m not sure serving size will be enough for teen appetites.

    13. I’ve tried HelloFresh, BlueApron, and Sunbasket, and my favorite was Sunbasket with the variety of simpler meals that I’ve recreated on my own again.

      Pros: variety, branching out into new cuisines and inspiration, talks you through fairly basic cooking skills

      Cons: too much packaging! prep time takes forever, if you are bad at chopping like me, but the actual cook times once everything is prepped are usually pretty on the dot, price is expensive if you do it long term, portions may or may not be enough depending on service, sometimes unusual ingredients hard to find if you recreate the meal on your own again.

      I think it’s worth trying for a few months for your kids to get some meal ideas and learn some basic cooking techniques, but not great for the wallet long term.

    14. I’ve been doing Blue Apron off and on for the past 6 years and love it. I’ve tried Hello Fresh but I prefer Blue Apron’s meals, I think they have more variety and offer more ethnic foods. There are occasionally quality issues or missing ingredients but their customer service is good and they will issue refunds promptly. It is a lot of packaging, though.

      1. Agree re: variety/ethnic meals from Blue Apron. And on the packaging waste.

        For what it’s worth, this is how I learned to cook as an adult. I started with Blue Apron and Hello Fresh. Once I had the basic techniques they teach you down, I started getting a CSA box and I would find my own recipes based on the veggies in the CSA and learned how to cook with a variety of vegetables. Then I moved on to technique focused cookbooks (e.g., America’s Test Kitchen). Now I’m a great cook and can make a wide variety of tasty meals in 30 minutes or less (including prep time).

      2. Same here. I’ve been using Blue Apron for 8 years and still love it. And yes, it’s a lot of packaging but I tell myself at least there’s zero food waste. I feel like using Blue Apron all these years has definitely taught me a lot and made me a better cook.

        1. Oh, and also the portions are big enough that I routinely eat half for my dinner and take the other half to work for lunch the next day.

    15. We used Blue Apron for the longest, but also tried Hello Fresh and Gobble. They were all decent, although we liked the Blue Apron recipes the best because they felt more unique. If you lean toward liking “wubby food” as my mother calls it, I’d recommend Hello Fresh (think meat and potatoes or foods with a lot of cream/cheese). My parents preferred Hello Fresh for that reason :)

      We eventually cancelled because 1) the recipes offered on Blue Apron started to be less appealing to us, and 2) we started running into a ton of quality control issues where one or more ingredients were missing, something was rotted, etc. It was a huge bummer because we really liked the convenience overall, and the recipes really did taste good. We did save a ton of our favorite Blue Apron recipes and make them ourselves all the time though.

    16. We did Green Chef during a busy time (moving), and we were happy with it at the time. Actually cooking the meals was quick, though we do know how to cook. I didn’t realize that meal prep delivery boxes fall into a regulatory loophole though vs. restaurants or grocery stores, so the “buyer beware” aspect has given me pause since then. We didn’t run into any quality control issues, but it made me more comfortable turning to take out or the part-way prepped meals at Whole Foods instead.

    17. If you don’t want to try the boxes, Budget Bytes is blog with lots of great, easy recipes. They also post step-by-step pictures of the cooking process.

    18. We’ve done Hello Fresh, Dinnerly and Everyplate. They are ok. Hello Fresh had so much prep involved with most meals that I just didn’t want to do after a full day of work. Dinnerly was the best of the three in terms of quality, price and time spent cooking, but it got redundant after awhile. Everyplate was just not good. Cancelled after the first box.

    19. Why not teach your kids the mix-and-match approach to shopping and meal preparation. For salads, it goes like this: shop and keep in the house greens, a variety of salad-appropriate vegetables/fruits, proteins (chicken, tuna, hard boiled egg). When it’s time to prepare, pick a green, 2 or 3 vegetables/fruit and a protein. Make your own dressing: keep in the house olive oil, flavored vinegar, perhaps mustard; put in a jar and shake for fresh dressing.

      For dinner, it could be to shop and help in the house: vegetables that can be steamed, protein that can be sheet-pan roasted, fruit for dessert. Each evening, pick one from each category.

      1. Well, for starters, kids need carbohydrates. Seriously people, kids are not mini-middle aged women when it comes to diet.

        And mastering the trick of getting a protein, a vegetable, and a carb to finish at the same time is next-level hard and took me literally a few years to master. This is not how you start someone who is just learning how to cook.

    20. Australian here. We use Marley Spoon which is similar twice per week. Both daughters learned really good techniques from it and I encouraged them to both meet the time frame and add their own personality from ingredients in the house. When they moved out I sent each of them 3 months worth of meals , for them and housemates, 2 nights per week. Both have built up a good collection of healthy recipes and understand portion sizes, which helps with shopping. The important thing is to choose wisely so the meals aren’t too pasta/rice based, but be adventurous too.

  2. Vicarious shopping request: I’m looking for short sleeve tops that can be worn with jeans or simple black/dark pants (like the pull on, slash pocket, elastic waist style popular here). My requirements: no ruffles, lace, or sheer details. Must have a true short sleeve or elbow sleeve. Not just “a t shirt” even if a nice material. Prefer not puff sleeve, elasticized sleeves, or wide blousy sleeves. Preferably under $60-75 on sale as I’d like to buy 6-10. Must be machine wash, no need to wear a tank under for modesty, and I would steam them to remove wrinkles (non iron). I don’t care much about neckline but I need to be able to wear a normal bra without showing straps or cleavage if I bend down.

    I found and like the “Ponte Shoulder Button Top” in blue isle at Ann Taylor but it’s a recognizable enough color I don’t want to wear it every day. I regularly walk construction and manufacturing sites and most of my male peers wear expensive golf or fishing shirts with jeans or kakhis, or a sport coat with a plain t.

    4. I’m a GC building factories so I have the same need.

      I have multiples of the Uniqlo “rayon short sleeve blouse.” They seem to be out of stock on the website but this is a style they’ve had for several years. So check stores/wait for it to come back.

      Sleeves do not bunch under safety vests.

      Also works with a blazer.

    5. Maybe Quince? Old Navy or Kohls might have some, too. Kohls’ Croft and Barrow line (I think that’s the brand) can skew dowdy, but might have some simple shirts.

    6. Maybe the silk dolman top from Quince? I just got this one in black and want another color. It’s super comfy and versatile.

      1. I think the Washable Stretch Silk Tee from Quince also meets the requirements?

    8. I buy the St. John’s Bay Boat Neck Elbow Sleeve top from JC Penney in black and 2-3 other different colors for exactly this reason: I need a kind of neutral (in style) top to wear with plain pants for when I do site visits with clients. The boat neck and the elbow sleeves elevate the top beyond “just a t-shirt;” the shirts wear well (I am still wearing ones I bought 2+ years ago and have washed many times) and they go with everything, including the kinds of black pants you mention. Even better, they routinely sell for about $10 because Penney’s always has them on sale. As an FYI, I size down.

        1. I hate wearing silk. It’s a pain to wash, it’s a pain not to snag, and it shows sweat and stains like crazy. I think a lot of fabrics are better than silk; I got rid of my silk tops a long time ago and they are not missed.

    10. Talbots. I have elbow sleeve scoop neck and boat neck tops to wear under jackets but also look great stand alone. Items can be found on sale every year under the budget you quoted.

      1. Agree – check Talbots. If you find a style that works, they generally have lots of colours.

  3. I am trying to understand the cut of this skirt (dowdy?) with the attempted vibe of the skirt (workwear). Who are they aiming for as a customer of this? In my city, it seems that a great effort is made to put forth one’s best self with church attire (not saying that the good lord approves) and I see a ton of sundresses and sneakers at work (in a field that used to dress very conservatively).

    1. this is the fall equivalent of the floaty summer midi skirt, so I think it fits in perfectly with what you’re seeing in warm weather.

    2. I would take an inch off the hem and STILL not wear it with flats (loafers). It looks fun in a swishy way, though.

    3. They are aiming for women looking for work clothes. It’s fine if you don’t like it but this is an obvious normal work skirt not a mystery.

    4. I didn’t like it yesterday on the moms page and it still looks dowdy today.

      1. I think it is the plaid / print that looks off. This needs some ruffles or tiers or tiers of ruffles or something for the shape (but that doesn’t work with the vibe). I’d rather just wear a kilt. Maybe they will come back?

        1. Many of us like wearing skirts to work and *do not* want ruffle-y juvenile details. I think this would be cute in the fall with the right top and heels.

          1. Seriously…

            Ruffles? Tiers?

            Even in my more casual, yet tailored, workplace…. ruffles and tiers are not appropriate.

            This print is houndstooth. It is as classic and work appropriate as it gets. The length/cut is a little novel for the times. But there are many of us who do not wear sneakers with our skirts and dresses and this is definitely not a skirt you wear with sneakers.

          2. It will be worn with sneakers. People who spend for Gucci or Golden Goose sneakers are not going to not wear them.

          3. I’m dying laughing that we live in a time when ruffles and tiers are considered better for workwear than houndstooth. I feel like the generation entering the workforce today is going to be so confused when trends change again (and they will.)

          4. “Even in my more casual, yet tailored, workplace…. ruffles and tiers are not appropriate.”

            I find this hard to believe. You may not think they’re “appropriate,” based on some kind of super-dated late-80s/early 90s “dress for success” sensibility. But I bet there are people who wear them and are doing just fine in their careers.

            “this is definitely not a skirt you wear with sneakers.”

            If you want to be informed about what’s currently happening with clothes and fashion, do yourself a huge favor and stop reading your back issues of W from 1994, or whatever’s going on there, and go follow some “street fashion” accounts on Instagram. People wear all kinds of skirts and dresses with sneakers and that’s not going to stop any time soon. If you don’t want to do that, fine, but you can’t make broad pronouncements like this and then claim to understand style or fashion. It just indicates how out of touch you are with modern sensibilities. Bless your heart.

          5. The fact something is trendy does not make it appropriate. Sensibilities are super off right now and will right themselves. This period of wearing sneakers and rufflepuff is an outlier. Your youth and ignorance and pliability is showing and it’s honestly not a good look.

          6. Anon at 12:40 – You seem to be missing a fairly major point. Namely, “street fashion” accounts on IG are just that: street fashion. They are not office fashion and do not pretend otherwise. Ruffles, tiers, sneakers with dresses might all be perfect appropriate as casual clothing and in some workplaces. I work in a California law firm that has a pretty relaxed dress code and they would absolutely not be appropriate here. Which is not to say that some of our junior (clueless) associates don’t wear them. But it absolutely raises eyebrows among those of us in the “dress for success” demographic and we are the ones making decisions about who gets what opportunities. On the flip side the associate who wears this skirt once it cools down with boots and a sweater would be deemed to be professional and appropriate. I am going to repeat something I was told when I entered the workforce (just as hose were going out of fashion). Dress to impress the people who make decisions.

            Also, people over 40 exist and many of us would prefer not to dress like children on Easter Sunday.

          7. GenX – the really hilarious thing about your comment is how prissy, snobby and old you sound, and you don’t even realize it.

            P.S., I am also Gen X, and make hiring decisions, but I actually have a sense of style that includes clothes that were popular after 1989. So.

    6. I think the issue here is that this is a very narrow a-line which is why it’s giving a long pencil skirt vibes (dowdy) vs. true midi a-line skirts (cute and on trend).

    7. It is dowdy. These skirts were stylish in the early 80s when I was in high school, and they were dowdy then and they’re dowdy now. The houndstooth adds to the dowdiness. In a solid or a different pattern it could be much better.

    8. Most of us don’t live in a place where sundresses would be appropriate for work. I sometimes think we should have to identify our region so we can sort out the comments from the SEUS from the NEUS

      1. I would like it if people would just be honest and append to their comments about clothes, “I read John Molloy’s original Dress for Success book in 1987 and that’s still how I judge the ‘appropriateness’ of a particular piece of workwear.” If I saw that I could just skip over the comment and not waste time.

        1. I mean, there has to be a level between1990s dress for success and rufflepuff dresses with sneakers for the office, doesn’t there?

          2. Are they, though, if they’re getting good marks and their clothing isn’t holding them back?

      2. I think your assumptions here that the rufflepuff is good in the SEUS and not in the NEUS is way off. At least in ATL, our office attire sensibilities are more conservative and trend toward the more formal than in the NEUS.

    9. This doesn’t read dowdy to me. I see it styled with a dark ribbed turtleneck sweater and dark high heeled tall boots and it’s very classic fall; a menswear collegiate kind of vibe.

      1. +1, this is exactly what I was thinking. Tall boots are back, and hemmed a bit this would be great with them.

      2. I agree. With tall boots and a sleek black turtleneck this would look great. As it’s styled in the photo, though, it looks dowdy – I think it’s a mismatch between the shape of the skirt, the length of the skirt, and the weight of the fabric.

    10. I think it is not dowdy and would wear something like it to work, albeit slightly shorter as I am petite. Weird people see this as dowdy as styled (tight black top, heels.)

      Since we are talking region: Toronto, Canada. Mid 30s.

    11. I think the A – line shape and length of this skirt would work better with a lighter weight fabric that had more movement. I would wear an at the knee or above the knee version of this skirt in its current fabric.

      1. I would also wear a shorter version of this skirt. I’ve been looking for one for months!

    12. If I weren’t retiring in *checks countdown calculator* 29 days, I would totally snap this up to wear at the office this fall/winter. I love me a nice houndstooth!

    13. I have a skirt in a similar cut that I wear alllllllll the time in the fall/winter. I wear it with tight bodysuits, tights, and booties or heels. I’ve also worn it with a chunkier sweater bloused over the top and booties.

      I’m early 30s, in the Southeast.

    14. I like the cut, though houndstooth is a pattern that I love on other people but reads dowdy/too preppy on me. That said, I’d probably get it hemmed to just below my knees. Most midi-length stuff hits at the wrong part of my calf.

  4. We are RTO. It’s very shocking to me (and I am not usually a pearl clutch-er) to see a couple of my very blonde co-workers now sporting very thick almost black stenciled eyebrows (like I have very dark hair and pretty heavy brows, but nothing compared to this). Is this just the eyebrow look for 2023? I get that brows went way too thin a while back and some people have to draw them back in, but I thought that was for Gen X and not for my peers.

    1. Yes, I think it’s the style. Some of is the microblading which fade over time and won’t look so stark.

      Also, shout out to my mom who forbade me from plucking my eyebrows too thin in the 90s. Boy, did we fight about it but she was right.

      1. As someone who was a 90s teen, I am so happy that I still have eyebrows because that could’ve gone another way! I plucked some but thankfully never had the guts to go too extreme.

        I am not into extreme brow looks, period. The sharp microbladed look is bizarre to me. The brows are all you see!

    3. I have no idea what RTO means but it’s bizarre you are disturbed by eye brows.

      3. Return to office, and I totally agree with you! OP – notice that someone else’s eyebrows are different than what you would choose, and move on.

        1. Well, this is a fashion/style website. This is exactly what we talk about here.

          In my area, dark eyebrows on women who clearly dye their hair blond has been in for a long time, along with the dark roots.

    4. Could be brow laminating/tinting. It’s a “look.” I think it will be one of the ones we look back on and wonder how it got to be so popular.

    5. Where are you located? I’m seeing thicker/fluffier brows on the east coast but more like ‘I use glossier boy brow and let my brows grow in during the pandemic’ vs. the ‘instagram’ brow that you’re describing. The only people I see wearing the stencil look are much younger (20s) but the teens in our town seem to be wearing the ‘clean girl’ look (and rocking 90s style wide legs/crops tops with it) vs. heavy makeup.

        1. Ah, that tracks. And sorry, as someone in their 40’s working with senior leadership (who tend to think I’m the ‘young’ one) the 20-somethings are my ‘younger’ colleagues. I would say I haven’t seen this look on anyone much past their early 30s.

    6. If it’s not bad microblading, I think I’d chalk it up to a trend. I haven’t seen this where I am now, but I will forever remain disturbed by the THICK eyebrows of a dirty blonde law school classmate: they looked like they were drawn on with a black Sharpie, with squares above the inner corners of her eyes and precise 45° angles for arches. I always wondered what would happen to her during interviews, because it was a very distracting look. It’s been over a decade – I have no idea what she’s up to.

      1. OP. This is what I’m talking about. This is someone I’ve worked with but only seen in person. So I knew her old brows and this was just a stark change since the last time we were in at the same time. But it’s not just one person, just this is the latest and super-heavy.

        1. Sharp corners are definitely no longer the thing. If she had micro blading like this I feel bad for her!

          But if it is micro blading, it will fade.

        2. I wonder if it has to do with being used to trying to look good on video calls. When we went all-Zoom in March 2020 I remember being happy (and surprised) that all it took to look awake/polished on the screen was darker eyebrows that I was used to doing, and brighter lipstick. Extra, unnaturally, bold brows can look great onscreen but honestly wacky in person

    7. Thick stenciled brows are very 2015 to me. I’d expect to see more of the fluffy “laminated” look now.

    8. As someone with dark blonde hair and naturally dark, thick eyebrows I’m very happy this is a trend. I spent so my much of my teens and early 20s mortified by my eyebrows and over-tweezing.

      1. Agree! My own mother once asked me if I was dying/using make-up on my brows, and made me feel self-conscious. Nope ma…. you and Dad gave me these…

  5. Ladies – I am about to take my first Big Job and am freaking the eff out. I’ve been working for 20+ years with scads of responsibility and never once felt imposter syndrome but suddenly it’s here. It’s so unpleasant! I’m genuinely worried that the public will question my qualifications etc. Ugh.

    1. FWIW, if your qualifications aren’t good, it’s not you in question but the intelligence and savvy of the people who interviewed and hired you. Unless you have reason to think they’re idiots, you need to trust in their ability to know what they needed. They chose you.

    3. Any time I worry about my qualifications for something, I remind myself that Donald Trump decided to run for president of the United States and half the country didn’t seem worried about his complete and utter lack of qualifications for this position, and then I feel better.

        1. Yes, I always remind myself to have the confidence of a mediocre white man -tongue in cheek, of course, but there’s some truth there, as there are studies showing something like that men apply for and get jobs where they only meet 50% of the qualifications, whereas women only apply to jobs where they meet at least 80%.

          1. Exactly! And it starts at a very young age too. I used to work in admissions at an elite engineering university. Pretty much every girl who applied was well-qualified, whereas we got so many applications from boys who were lightyears short of the GPA and test scores needed.

  6. Very unimportant fashion question: favorite badge lanyard style.

    I have to wear a badge all the time at a new job. Styles differ, from free lanyards to those people have bought elsewhere. I’ve been trying to decide what I want this mandatory “third piece” of my outfit to look like.

    I wear black/white/jewel tones/pastels and both silver and gold jewelry.

    2. I bought a black faux leather one from Amzon and I really like it. They’re inexpensive – I would just take a look at them and get the one you like the most.

    3. I’d be sure you have to actually wear it first. At my job, you need a badge to access everything so it’s necessary to have on you, but it doesn’t need to show. I just carry it or stick it in a pocket.

    5. Having stuff around neck annoys me, so I clip mine to a badge reel that I wear on my waistband.

    6. I have to wear a badge daily and vastly prefer a retractable badge clip to a lanyard if that’s an option for you. Mine’s boring black plastic, but there are some nice formal ones on Etsy.

    7. Following…. I have to start wearing one again, and it actually bothered me wearing it around my neck in the past. Adding a different badge holder (leather) that was heavier led to neck problems. So.. But everyone wears around their neck, not at the waist, as people want to be able to clear see your name/picture.

    10. Leather card holder with retractable thingy on thin, black woven neck lanyard ribbon with anti-choke quick-release clasp.

  7. I wanted to praise the Dansko Tiffani sandal, which I saw recommended here. Closed toe, wedge heel, arch support, 3 colors, $140. I wore mine out of the box. I have wide feet and bunions and the leather over the toes is soft enough to stretch.

    1. I love that one. Two colors.

      I have a broken foot right now and they sit sadly in my closet, but I wore the heck out of them from the first dry days of spring until 2 weeks ago.

      My favorite are the faded denim color of blue.

  8. Good morning! Thanks so much to everyone who replied to my late question yesterday about how much flexibility to offer as my team returns to the office and how to handle an employee who is trying to take care of her 1-2 young children during working hours. Great insight, food for thought, and suggestions. I especially appreciated the points raised about being fair across the whole team and not extending special flexibility only to working parents. Here’s how I’m thinking of handling the situation – would love any more input on the below plan. Would this work in your office? Are there ways this could blow up that I’m not anticipating?

    Context: I’m a manager in a F100 company, we are returning to office next month (M/T/W). I have several people who report to me, spread across multiple time zones, some are expected to RTO but others will be allowed to continue working remotely (that decision is out of my hands) and varying levels of personal/childcare commitments. We don’t really pay competitively so helping people have a good work/life balance is my best bet at retention.

    What I’m considering adopting as an unofficial policy (I say unofficial because our HR is very hands-off and does not give any guidelines on this sort of thing; I would lay this policy out very clearly to my team but it probably wouldn’t be adopted widely outside our team):
    – Core working hours from 10 am – 3 pm (in our HQ’s time zone). During this time you are expected to be online and available for meetings; for folks RTO, you are expected to be physically in the office during this time. As much as possible, any personal appointments should be scheduled outside those core hours.
    – Expectation that you work 40 hours a week, on average, in a distraction-free environment
    – Outside of those core working hours, you have flexibility to adjust your schedule as needed. So if someone wants to work 7 am – 3 pm to be able to do school pickup, that’s fine. If someone wants to work 10 am – 7 pm because they’re in a different time zone, that’s fine.
    – Employees will be expected to flex outside their preferred working hours for special circumstances (urgent matters, international calls, executive meetings)
    – When we adopt this new policy I’d ask each team member to submit their plan to me in writing for the schedule they plan to follow in a typical week

    What do you think? Is this going to blow up in my face?

    2. I think having a flexible remote work policy is great. However, the issue at hand with your employee is that they don’t have sufficient childcare. It’s pretty standard for a company to expect remote employees to provide proof of childcare so they’re not trying to work with kids at home.

        1. I’m also surprised this is a thing. I’m in higher ed. There must be an age limit right? I know this is somewhat regional, but in my area 12 year olds babysit younger kids and camps and aftercare don’t accept children older than sixth grade. People would laugh in your face if they were asked for proof of childcare for a kid who was 12+.

          1. idk about older kids, but the problem employee described in yesterday’s post literally has a baby.

          2. Oh I 100% agree that you can’t work at home efficiently with a baby and/or toddler, let alone both. I had a 2 year old during Covid lockdown and it was a nightmare. I was replying to a comment about employers requiring employees to promise to have childcare whenever they’re working at home. That is odd to me, especially if it extends to tweens and teens.

    3. I thought this was good right up until the plan to be submitted in writing. You either have core hours + flex or you don’t, you know?

    4. I think you should do your job and manage this employee instead of creating a whole weird framework to avoid just saying “Susan, it is not working for you to not have childcare. You are not fully present at meetings and the work isn’t getting done. You need to be in the office just like everyone else and you need to be available to work just like everyone else. Your performance needs immediate improvement.”

      1. +1000

        Your remote work policy isn’t the issue, it’s your employee who doesn’t have adequate childcare.

        1. +1 to this. It’s a fair policy but you’re still not clearly laying out that people with kids need childcare, that’s reasonable!

      2. I totally agree and just had that conversation with this employee yesterday: she cannot provide full-time care to a baby and work at the same time.

        I don’t shy away from performance management and when this employee’s performance is suffering, I give her direct feedback. I’ve been out on leave for several months and only back at work for a week. When I went out on leave she had a full-time nanny, so although second-hand reports indicate there have been babies showing up in a meeting for a while I haven’t had a chance to address it until now. Performance-wise she’s actually doing pretty well on her current project but as mentioned yesterday, her performance is inconsistent.

        Our company’s standard right now the default expectation is 9-5. This new “policy” is not just about this one employee, but trying to create more flexibility and autonomy for ongoing questions about after-school pickup (multiple people on my team have asked for that flexibility) and people working in other time zones.

      3. The above policy sounds great to me, and I’m glad Susan is forcing some recognition of the need for flexibility for everyone. BUT Susan definitely needs to get her act together and get child care too. And that’s a separate conversation.

    5. As an employee who currently has a lot of flexibility, I would be annoyed by this. Why do I have to have a consistent schedule week to week if I always get my work done on time and well? I would feel like you were punishing the whole team, instead of talking to your employee who clearly is under performing and fails to have childcare. With the exception of the early days of Covid, everywhere I’ve ever worked has been very explicit that you have to have childcare when working from home.

      You just need to address this with your under performing employee. Right now, you’re punishing the whole team by creating new rules instead of dealing with one problem employee and likely to piss off your good employees. And IME, the problem employee never realizes that they’re the problem or doing anything wrong because of a new global rule. Put on your big girl pants, and tell your employee is it unacceptable to consistently “work” with young children at home.

      2. Agreed. I think it’s fine to set clear rules, but the problem is that you’re setting rules for everyone (and IIRC, you aren’t having issues with other employees, right?) rather than managing the employee who is creating the issue.

        It is absolutely fine to schedule a sit-down meeting with her, talk her through specific concerns raised about her performance, and as part of that conversation to give her your expectations for her working hours. Talk to HR first to determine what policies you have on the books about childcare during WFH periods – you don’t need to have specific policies in order to tell her that she needs to have childcare while she’s working, but if you have them, good to point to them.

        It is reasonable to tell an employee she cannot be caring for her children during her working hours. Unless your company requires it, you don’t have to ask her to tell you how they will be cared for (many companies do, btw) – but you can, and should, make clear to her that her childcare plan can’t be that she looks after them during work.

      3. I have to agree with this. Don’t punish the class to avoid a tough conversation. It has been absolutely standard and required to have childcare if you WFH at every employer I’ve worked for too, and this is tech in flexible California. If it falls through and there’s an emergency, life happens, but not having it routinely isn’t okay.

      5. +1. I went back and read yesterday’s post. It’s all about one so-so employee that’s trying to work without adequate childcare. The answer is having a conversation with her about your expectations, not punishing the rest of your team. Even if you roll out this plan it doesn’t eliminate your problem with her. You would still need to sit her down and explain that WFH without childcare is not “distraction-free” because clearly she doesn’t understand that.

      6. Hey, thanks for this input. I think there’s two issues at hand: the first is an employee without childcare. Fully agree that’s unacceptable; I have already had that conversation with her that it can’t continue. She has been getting away with it while I was on leave because she didn’t have a direct manager giving her feedback on her performance but I’m back now so that’s got to stop immediately.

        The reason I am considering this new “policy” is to address the questions I get from all of my team members, not just her, who are afraid of losing their current flexibility once we RTO. Our company’s standard right now the default expectation is 9-5 and unless I do something differently, people who have had a lot of flexibility previous will be expected to be b*tts in seats from 9 am – 5 pm. That would suck and be a huge step backward IMO.

        1. I think you can address the RTO concerns by just stating that people are adults and you trust them to behave as such unless they show you otherwise. This means they need to continue to get their work done at the appropriate levels and make themselves accessible as needed during core hours, and you won’t micromanage their arrival and departure times.

          Requiring a written plan on how they intend to flex their time seems more like a PIP step.

    6. I agree with the childcare comment above. I also would specify the number of hours per day in the office when they’re expected to be there in person. I could imagine someone saying they were going to work 7-10 from home and then 10-3 in the office, which then just ends up being 10-3 on those days.

      1. This is exactly what I see in my office, which requires two days per week in office. So many employees are maybe working an average of 8-10 hours in office per week. I wish my employer would clarify the expectations.

    7. This seems reasonable. I would try to be very flexible about appointments, because for some appointments it might be difficult to keep all of them to hours outside your core hours and how many appointments can any one employee have? If they do have a lot because of a health issue, I would assume you can be flexible.

      Apparently my word of the day is flexible, because I think that’s key for returning to the office.

      1. Agreed – flexibility is so key. Based off the feedback here I might just scrap the piece about scheduling appointments and trust people will try to do that anyway; if it becomes an issue I can address it at that point.

    8. I agree with the other commenters– it seems like you want to make a framework so you can then talk to your employee about how she’s not meeting these requirements without jumping in and actually addressing behavior that’s already a problem.

    9. Your plan looks solid to me, because there does need to be some consistent expectations for the whole team. However, I would be having an individual conversation with the problem employee who doesn’t have childcare. That’s just not acceptable in any way, shape, or form. It’s not 2020.

    10. As someone with a baby and full time childcare, and works hybrid, I find this very harsh. I agree with just managing the employee’s lack of child care and time in the office; the rest is likely to turn off the team.

      It’s fine to say core hours are 10-3 but requiring appointments be outside those hours is tough. My spouse has a disability that he isn’t comfortable disclosing to employers but is one easily recognized and on the standard disability lists. He has regular doctors appointments (averaging once a week across specialists) and you don’t always have flexibility in when those are scheduled. He always works late to make up the time, but if an employer told him he couldn’t have appointments between 10-3 he’d probably look for a new job.

      Similarly, I went through physical therapy recently for injuries from childbirth. I tried to schedule them from 12-1 when I was unlikely to have calls but I’m often on calls at 8am and 6pm. That wouldn’t be acceptable in your scenario.

      1. Right. You’re punishing everyone because you don’t want to tell the problem to change. Not ok.

      2. Yeah, on the appointments thing – OP, at most places I’ve worked, employees had to use sick time for doctor’s appointments if they weren’t otherwise making up the time. If they’re using sick time, or making up the time, it’s up to them when they schedule appointments. If your concern is that they won’t make up the time…again, that’s a management issue you need to handle.

        1. Isn’t part of the benefit of being a salaried employee that you can flex your hours when you need to? If you want me to be available at specific hours then pay me hourly which means overtime when applicable.

          Also I think most people try to avoid hugely inconvenient disruptions in their workday. It’s not as if I love going to the OBGYN at 11 am but if that’s the only appointment I can get for the next 16 months then it is what it is.

          1. No, that’s not universally the case for salaried employees. You aren’t paid hourly, but your employer can still set expectations about when you are expected to be available to work and require you to use time off or stay late to make up time taken during the day.

          2. Not universal. I have that flexibility but consider it a big perk of my job. I know many salaried employees who have to use PTO for a doctor’s appt.

      3. TLDR for my other responses, but yes I am managing the employee with no childcare and iffy performance directly and separately. Appreciate the feedback about flexibility with appointments – it does feel a little micromanagey so I think I’ll scrap that part.

        1. Also I should add, I do not currently ask my employees to use sick time or make up “time lost” from appointments during the day.

      4. I have a child with a disability and even if the appointment is outside of those hours I may have to get kid from school, drive to doctor, return kid to school, and return to work. Or if timing is futile, WFH with kid at home the rest of the day (kid is a teen, so this doesn’t intrude on work but kid is present in the house and I have no dedicated office and just work on my bed, still, because our house is small).

    11. I think you need to include in your policy that is is unacceptable to not have childcare when you are working from home. This seems like the biggest issue and you are dancing around it. You really need to have a conversation with your problem employee. You are a manager, so manage. .

      1. This. At my F500 company, where we’ve been back in the office M-Th since August 2020 (not a typo), we have one WFH policy: working from home is not a substitute for childcare. Period. If you need a WFH day for whatever reason, you may with management approval, but not for that. I’m not saying I agree with it, but that’s the policy.

      2. This seems a little too black and white without an age limit. Many people can work fine with school age kids at home. Certainly having teens in the house while you WFH isn’t an issue, the teens likely want space from the parent just as much as the parent does. The issue that this employee has a baby and toddler and can’t work effectively without childcare. I think you should just address it with this employee.

        1. Yeah, this is the other problem with a formal policy… what age kid is “self reliant”? what about older kids above the cutoff who might have disabilities that make them less self-reliant? what about people who may have other older dependents at home? It just seems like a big can of worms to police childcare in a written policy. I agree that it should be addressed directly with employees when it is an issue, which is what I’m doing.

          1. This goes beyond childcare. You can not WFH and be a full time caregiver to anyone (child, spouse, parent, etc) without backup help. You also can’t have another FT job, hobby or other obligation that does not allow you work work in an undistracted manner.

      3. I wish I could include it in my policy but this would be seen as a huge overstep by my company and would probably get me in trouble. I can address it through 1×1 conversations though which is what I started doing yesterday and will continue to do (TLDR: this problem came up for the first time while I was out on leave for several months, I’ve only been back a week and am now trying to address what cropped up while I was out) while protecting as much flexibility as I can for everyone once we RTO next month.

    12. HR person here: don’t do this. Just talk to the person who is the problem and tell her she needs to figure out her childcare situation, in the same way she would have to if we were pre-Covid and everyone was in the office. You don’t need to figure out a schedule for “everyone” when the issue is with one employee.

      1. I agree with all the other posters that you should not punish the class for one person’s issue. Every place I have ever worked, that has been the fast track to bad morale. You need to have the tough conversation.

      2. Question for the HR person – do you have any feedback or concerns about the actual proposed policy or concept of core hours or the rest of it?

        Assume that I am addressing this specific employee’s performance and childcare issues directly with her, because that is what is happening. But the reality is that I have employees working across three different time zones, with lots of personal/childcare commitments in the afternoons (not just the on person). It’s a generally high performing team with lots of executive visibility and recognition. Right now everyone gets a lot of flexibility, but that’s going to disappear for our local HQ employees once they RTO. The default expectation will be at your seat in the office 9-5, three days a week, unless I do something differently (like core hours).

    13. This is exactly what my employer does and it’s great. Core hours of 10-3, 3 days a week in the office, and beyond that you have flexibility for what works for you unless there’s something urgent that needs attending to.

      1. I think it depends on what the expectation is now. If the current expectation is 9 to 5, then this would be increased flexibility and might go over ok. But if the current expectation is just to get your work done and you can work whenever, this is unlikely to go over well with your current place. But either way, you have to tell your employee that she needs consistent childcare. Working with a young child is not an ok plan, and you are likely to lose good employees over their frustration with her

        1. I should probably have said – the current expectation is 9-5, so this would be increased flexibility. I have several employees who would appreciate more explicitly stated flexibility to work outside 9-5, whether due to being in other time zones or having the ability to pick up kids from school.

    14. This sounds really micromanagey and annoying to me. Your problem is one person who’s not being responsible about childcare. Don’t make me submit a detailed hourly schedule to you because someone else is the problem.

      2. See, I don’t find this micromanagement at all. I don’t think it’s that terrible to have core days and core hours – what’s the point of going to the office if people aren’t there? At least with core hours, you are more likely to see colleagues. This is assuming there is a reason to see each other; if not, maybe the jobs should just be 100% WFH.

        It also sounds like the OP intends to be pretty flexible. As I said above, this is key. In my case, my employer has been super flexible about WFH ever since March of 2020; in exchange, I feel like I, too, can be flexible about coming back to the office. Flexibility works both ways.

        1. I agree, this doesn’t sound bad to me. I like the idea of having core hours and also keeping those hours relatively short so people have flexibility about when they work.

        2. If the current policy isn’t working across the board then making a change is reasonable (minus the written plan part). But it seems like things are working just fine with the exception of one employee, who requires a talking-to either way.

        3. Coming back to clarify. The concept of core hours isn’t the bad part, it’s the other stuff. Weekly plans of exact schedule? Restrictions on ducking out for an appointment? No.

          2. Agree. I’ve had core hours at another job and it worked really well. I’d roll my eyes at a written weekly schedule. Tell folks to keep their calendars up to date.

          3. I guess I assumed that the weekly plan would be aspirational, not set in stone. Like, you plan to come in M-W and work X hours, but your car breaks down so you won’t be on Wednesday. And that there would be no repercussions for that.

            I missed yesterday’s question about childcare and I agree that that is a whole separate issue. But I don’t think it’s terrible for jobs to try to have some expectations for being in the office (again, assuming the maximum flexibility possible).

            I also agree that time in the office doesn’t correlate with performance. But employers can decide they don’t want people to be 100% WFH and employees can decide to find another job if that’s not tenable.

          4. Also to clarify – the written plan would just be a one-time thing, not weekly (what a waste of time that would be!). My thought there is that I want people to think seriously and make a commitment about how they will get their 40 hours in per week.

          5. I am a 43 yr old professional. If my boss asked me to submit a schedule to her of how I am planning to get my 40 hrs in every week, I would look for a new job. Now, I have to submit a time sheet but not once has my boss ever questioned what hours I have worked and when. The core working hours thing doesn’t bother me. But the schedule? No.

        1. You know your team’s work and culture, but the idea of a written plan doesn’t sound unreasonable to me on its face – I’m thinking of this as “standard hours” not “prove you are working 40 hours”. I work most regularly with a group of 6-7 ppl and in addition to core hours (9-3), it is useful to know people’s regular schedules: we’ve got a few folks in 6-3, some 7-4, some 8-5. There’s still flexibility — if you usually work 7-4, you might have an appointment one day and come in at 9 (and don’t need special permission to do so) – but it is an expectation that you generally keep a regular schedule & it does make it easier to figure out how to collaborate outside of core hours/when to expect responsiveness. Maybe not applicable to your team – and it’s obviously less flexible than a core hours + anything goes schedule; but there’s definitely places that work on a system like that

          1. Yes that’s how I interpreted it too. Like “let us know when we can expect you online” not “account for every minute of your time.” I’m a 40 year old salaried employee and would be happy to do this. I don’t think it’s crazy to want to know if your employees generally plan to work 7-3 or 10-6, especially if you allow for occasional variation from the schedule.

    15. The personal appointments piece is weird and I’m not sure what you’re trying to address. People aren’t allowed to take lunch? If what you’re trying to avoid is doctors appointments or picking up your dry cleaning or going grocery shopping during the day… most people avoid that as much as possible. If someone is never available during the day then address it with that person. I have an associate who randomly leaves the office in the middle of the day to walk his dog and then “works from home” for the rest of the day. It’s a different time every day so I can’t anticipate his schedule. We told him either get a dog walker or stick to a schedule. If I know you’re wfh after 1 pm everyday then at least I know how to get in touch with you.

      1. That’s fair, and I think I agree after reading all these comments – yeah, if we have limited core hours together I’m trying to avoid people not being available during those core hours. Basically right now the expectation is core hours are 9-5, so going down to 10-3 is a pretty big leap. But you’re right, I would rather go with an attitude of trust and flexibility and if anyone is abusing it, address it directly with them.

    16. This is fine. I work for a very international company and you need to have some core hours to that you can schedule meetings and communicate. There are no actual restrictions in the rest of it. I think the last bullet is coming off wrong but yes they should say roughly when they’ll be online. If the answer is, as it is for one of my direct reports, from 7 – 11 am and then 5 – 9pm, that’s fine. (I have no idea why she wants that schedule, but I don’t need to know.)

    17. Just manage your people. If your employee isn’t getting her work done and/or isn’t present for meetings then that’s an employee problem, not a policy problem. This seems like something to address 1:1 with your problem employee. Tell her when she needs to be in the office.

      Also, don’t make people submit plans in writing.

    18. for all of the people who say don’t do this, it sounded like yesterday you mentioned some other employees grumbling about the employee with kids special arrangements. i would say to the employee with the childcare issues that she is welcome to flex her hours 7-3 or whatever, but that from 10-3 she must be available in a distraction free environment. then if other employees grumble to you, tell them that they can also flex their hours. i have a colleague who works from 7:30-3:30 due to a commute, and it was never presented to all of us as an option, but i have a reasonable boss, so if i approached her to do something similar i bet she would say yes.

      i think what is tricky about this situation that i really don’t understand more generally is that if you have some people who can keep working remotely, and everyone who works together isn’t based in the same office, what is the purpose of people coming in on those 3 days, if a number of those on their team are never there. also- how many people are we talking about? like is majority local or not local? is this a team of 4 or 15?

      1. Look… I totally agree with your second point… I have a team of six, two are remote and four are based at HQ. But we all work with people across the whole company and globe. Do I think we all need to be in the office three days a week, but people who were quick to jump to remote during the pandemic still get to keep WFH full-time? No. Have I voiced that opinion many times? Yes. Do I have any control over this final decision? 100% no. This is one of the harder parts of management, supporting and enforcing policies that you personally may not agree with. I’m trying to figure out how to do that while preserving as much flexibility for my team members as I can within my little sphere of influence.

      2. But ALL of her hours should be in a distraction free environment (if by that you mean not caring for a child, not just the core 10-3.

  9. Home decor shopping help:
    I’m looking for a bath mat that looks like a Persian rug, preferably in runner size (30×50 or so). Anyone have a source for something like this?

      1. I have a couple of ruggables and so far so good. I haven’t tried to wash them yet.

    2. I’m up to 5 ruggables now and definitely recommend them! I love being able to throw them in the washer and they clean very well!

    5. I use an actual Persian rug as my bath mat. I found it pretty cheap maybe 10 or 15 years ago. It is small enough that I can take it to my dry cleaner’s every few years for cleaning. He probably sends it out, but it isn’t crazy expensive.

      1. Wool rugs are the best. I recently had a very bad, terrible, horrible pet vomit day, and my old Persian rug was the “ease of clean up” winner by lots.

        1. +100! The first time I saw a “real” Persian rug in somebody’s else’s bathroom I was a little surprised, but I have since adopted this in a less-used bathroom and I’m enjoying the wool…

  10. Help me with a petty annoyance. What precautions do I have to take to ensure my support staff hasn’t misspelled my name?

    I’ve worked for a large office with scores of attorneys and a volume practice. We’re now fully remote and I get my assignments via large spreadsheets. I’ve worked here for ten years and have a somewhat uncommon last name with a somewhat tricky spelling. About once a month, someone misspells my name in a spreadsheet causing confusion. I search my name and it’s not there so I assume that it’s not my assignment. It’s never a major problem, but I get annoyed. There will come a day when something is overlooked and the petty part of me thinks: this isn’t my fault. I started searching for the more common misspellings of my name but yesterday something kind of fell through the cracks and it was a misspelling I’ve never seen before. I feel like I shouldn’t be obligated to make this kind of effort so I’m annoyed. I don’t really care if it’s misspelled in any other context but I’m annoyed that I’m combing the spreadsheets anticipating this.

    1. If the program the support staff is using is cloud based, check with your IT staff or whoever is responsible for its configuration. They may be able to add your correctly spelled name to the spell checking, or if your office is small enough, create a drop-down list of people for that field.

    2. Is it one person or multiple set people who create the spreadsheet? You need to bring it to their attention that it’s an issue. Explain that you search using your name, and don’t find assignments if your name is misspelled. They may not realize that they are doing it or why it’s a problem

    3. There is a lot going on here. You can search through all of the options in a column by using the Data button. Click on the down arrow, look at all of the available options, and click on every name that is yours or a near misspelling.

      You can use your words and bring this up to a manager, the support staff, or the manager for the support staff.

      Support staff can solve this by copy-pasting last names into the spreadsheet to avoid this problem.

    4. If they are support staff, you need to address this with them as being an issue. Even when there are a lot of attorneys and many names to remember how to spell, support staff needs to be able to reliably spell your name. There should be a spell check feature on the spreadsheet software that should be used and if they your name is added to that dictionary, it’s an easy fix.

    5. Well I think the spreadsheet is the problem, but assuming you can’t do anything about that – support staff should not be manually entering attorney names. There should be a drop down or at least a list they copy paste from. And the way you find your assignments should not be a CTRL+F treasure hunt. Sounds like your organization needs someone whose full time job is managing assignments. This system is ridiculously inefficient all around.

    6. Reading along because I’ve been at my same job for 12 years and people still spell my first name wrong from time to time.

      What also doesn’t help is that there is someone with my same first name, but with the more common spelling, and same last name in our email system (my last name is pretty common). So I’m sure I’ve missed emails. There’s also a person with my same last name but entirely different first name, and we get each other’s emails from time to time.

      It is annoying and I don’t know why people can’t manage to spell names properly. The occasionally slip up is okay, but after a while, it just seems kind of rude.

    7. Can the spreadsheet include a predetermined (and correctly spelled) picklist of staff names? That way, when a project is assigned they don’t actually have to type your name, just choose it from the list. I do this in my spreadsheets, and it allows me to ensure things are counted / categorized appropriately.

    8. Adding your name to spell check plus the drop-down menu is the answer. But if for whatever reason that doesn’t happen, try sorting the charts by assignee and look for your assignments that way. I get your annoyance, for sure, but I feel like you are intentionally making this harder because you feel slighted.
      It’s not personal. People are just bad with details, esp. names, and sometimes move too fast with tasks like charting.

  11. Is it bad form to go for a pedicure when you have bruised (blackened) toenails? They’re from a hiking trip but my husband says it looks like foot fungus and I don’t want the nail tech to think I’m contagious.

    1. Nope! Toenails get damaged all the time – it fact, my aunt gets a single acrylic toenail added when she get pedicures because she has one permanently damaged. They see it all. As long as it’s not actually a fungus/something spreadable you’re fine.

      1. Not to threadjack but – do acrylic toenails hold up to normal shoes? Or can you only wear them with open toed shoes? One of my nails is permanently damaged from ingrown toenail surgery and I’ve considered a false nail but I exercise daily.

    2. I suspect the tail tech would recognize that it’s a bruise and not a fungus. You could also call the pedicure place and ask if this would be a problem.

  12. Sorry – work exploded yesterday and I could not get back to the thread.

    For Muslim Spain:
    God’s Crucible
    Blood and Faith
    The Ornament of the World (although some might find its utopian vision of Muslim Spain a bit overstated).

    For later time periods, Ghosts of Spain is a good read.

    If you prefer fiction, someone recommended Iberia. It is a bit outdated but still a worth reading. I would also suggest The Last Jew.

    Finally, if you want some easily digestible podcasts, you might enjoy the In Our Time podcasts (BBC Radio 4). Search for Spain and Spanish on their website. There are several that you might find interesting.

    Finally, if you are interested in Spanish conquests and the subsequent revolutions in South and Central America, the Revolutions podcast is excellent (the one on Haiti might be my favorite but the others are good too).

      1. I replied too late for you to see, probably, but I have Basque relatives and was super interested by your comments on Basque linguistics and history – do you have any recommended reading there?

        2. It was me who made the comments about Basque linguistics and history. I don’t have any recommendations on the subject, I could ask some of my Basque teacher friends but certainly not the book below that OP said, the extract looks like a pamphlet and has more than one error, quite worried about the content.
          What is certain is that, at this moment, there is no consensus on the origin of the language, there are many theories: Proto-Iberian, Armenian origin, etc. Quite an interesting mystery indeed.

  13. Trying to heal from plantar fasciitis and only have a couple pairs of shoes that are supportive enough at present. Has anyone used a thin orthopedic insole I could add to existing shoes? Trying to not buy a bunch of new shoes. Thanks for the help!

    1. The only thing that helped me was to switch to tennis shoes with an insert from the podiatrist. Thankfully I have a job that understood, even if it wasn’t he most professional.

    2. Podiatrist for orthotics. My doc then added a little bit of padding under the ball of my foot temporarily to help relieve pressure on my heel in a very specific place. Expensive but worth it.

    5. Vionic insoles are great for this. I actually prefer them to the custom orthotics I have.

    6. Curious how you’re going to “heal” from PF. I was told mine would be lifelong.

      1. I don’t think it ever goes away, but I’ve been able to reduce frequency and severity of PF flaring up by never going barefoot (I usually wear Oofos recovery sandals in the house), doing stretches, and wearing supportive shoes.

    7. Kuru has been my holy grail for PF support. I also have good luck with Spenco and Vionic sandals and dress shoes.

    1. I do! I take 30mg and have been on it for about a year and a half now. What kind of questions do you have?

      1. Thank you! The below got me nervous – I didn’t realize it could possibly be addicting. My dr prescribed and said I could even not take it on the weekends if I wanted. I think my questions are just has it helped, any tips, and any side effects to look out for. My pcp prescribed it for adhd

        1. That’s what I do actually – I only take it on work days or on “high-demand” weekend days where I know I will have to move through a lot of tasks and social interaction. While I have heard the addiction scare mongering, I actually have ADHD so my brain just feels normal/smooth when I am on Vyvanse. If I had to stop taking it, I would survive, but my life would be much harder.

          The biggest side effect for me was the appetite suppression. I actually became one of those people who forgets to eat (until I am sobbing curled up in a ball), so I have scheduled snack times to help. Also, having high protein breakfast was a game changer. No nauseated feelings. Also if you don’t eat breakfast, now is the time to start!

    2. Best friend was prescribed and wound up basically addicted to amphetamines. It was h3ll for years and she still feels like she’s not the same after weaning off. These are really really serious d r u g s – I don’t think they should be prescribed for anything:

    3. I tried it, but it didn’t work very well for me. I tried a number of drugs for ADHD working with a psychiatrist to figure out which ones work best for me.

    4. Been on it for about 3.5 years. Started with 30 mg, bumped up to 40 for about a year to see if that worked better for me and ultimately concluded it did not, went back to 30. Overall, very positive experience. Few side effects, med performance is very consistent, seems to do the job (but, like any med, it’s not a magic pill). Happy to answer any specific questions.

      Vyvanse is supposedly one of the more difficult adhd meds to abuse because it’s not fast acting and lasts for a long time.

    5. My law partners take it and behave like they are on speed every day. It’s great for their productivity, pretty annoying for me, so-so for their personal lives because while I think they annoy their families they also make a lot of money to make up for it, and I think it feels stressful/harmful for them internally based on comments they make to me.

    6. I have a friend who recently started taking it and it seems to be helping his (serious, unmedicated) ADHD.

      My partner’s sister, whose main dx is Borderline Personality Disorder, also takes it. She is addicted, hoards pills and abuses the pills if not managed one by one, has loads of appetite-related side effects (doesn’t eat). It’s way less clear if it helps her. She is currently not able to live independently.

      Soooo…?

      1. Stimulants can have very different effects in people who have ADHD vs. people who don’t really or don’t have the kind of ADHD that stimulants treat (since ADHD can involve dopamine, norepinephrine, or acetylcholine, and current tests don’t distinguish).

  15. Crowdsourcing pillow help – I have a very old pillow that is my holy grail of pillows, and of course it’s discontinued. It’s a standard bed pillow size, and one side is firm foam and the other side is down. There are two separate inserts inside the outer pillow cover. It’s perfect because I can put it to the foam side to sit and read in bed, and then flip to the fluffy down to rest my head and sleep. But it’s so overdue for replacement, and I can’t find anything comparable (I want real down, not down alternative). Any ideas on where to look?

  16. I have a question for those better versed in mortgage financing than I. It deals with my BFF’s MIL, but we all go way back because small town life, so I’m trying to help.

    BFF’s MIL got married in 2021. She had recently moved into her new house with her teenage sons and sold her previous home. Almost right after their marriage, they used the funds from her house sale to buy another house which she spent the next year converting into a preschool/daycare, which she was able to open in August ’22. Two months later her H threw her into the wall in a drunken rage. She immediately got a restraining order, moved out of his house, and pressed charges. He was convicted a couple months ago and she began the divorce process, which she hadn’t done before lest he try to lay legal claim to the school. Surprise surprise, that’s exactly what he’s doing now – he’s demanding she either sell the place and split the profits with him, or get it refinanced and out of his name. If she sells, there goes her only possible stream of income (and also her lifelong dream nbd). She doesn’t have the money for an attorney (the school is in the black by a matter of like $100, no more).

    What are the refinancing option(s) here? How much are they going to cost her? What would you advise?

    1. She is getting divorced, she needs an attorney. I get that she doesn’t want to spend the money, but it will be more costly in the long run to diy a divorce

      1. Now that you say that, I realize I don’t know how she’s doing the divorce without one. Will ask.

        1. You can do divorces yourself in some states but it’s a terrible idea. Especially in a situation like this one.

    3. She really, really needs an attorney for this. She should seek out any and all legal services in her area for something like this.

      As far as a refi, she needs to talk to her bank to see what refi options are available to her. They may try to say that she needs to be divorced first, which is not true if she is just trying to hear options or what she would be qualified for on her own, so she needs to be persistent and demand to talk to other people if needed. Depending on her credit, income, home equity, etc., she may have very limited options for a refi. Or the terms of the refi available to her may be prohibitive.

    4. She needs a lawyer, at minimum to advise on how a judge would order the split of assets. Does she have any friends/family who could chip in for a consult with a good divorce lawyer?

    5. I feel so badly for homeowners who are getting divorced rn. Losing your 1-3% rate in exchange for 7% is a killer. Hopefully the properties have appreciated enough to help with a dp on a new place.

    6. She needs a bulldog attorney who will help her keep the entire property given his violence, or threaten a civil claim as negotiation to have him sign over his share of the property. Otherwise, there are a few things working against her – interest rates are up so if she refinances she will almost certainly have to pay a lot more for the same loan amount. And she may not be able to find a comparable property even if she sells.

      If none of those are options, she may be forced into selling.

      1. Yes, refi rates are going to be a problem. I’ve said to her that I think it’s cheaper to get the attorney, but she maintains she doesn’t even have that money.

        I do appreciate all the suggestions I’m getting and I don’t mean to sound so dang defeatist!

    7. It is very common fir a refinance to be required to get one party off of the deed in a divorce. I know rates are terrible now and it’s not ideal. I agree even with money being tight an attorney is required here and will be worth it in the long run.

    8. Agree she needs a lawyer. And if he has money, she may be able to get an order for him to pay her attorney fees for the divorce. (That would be the case in my state.)

        1. And divorce lawyers would know about this — it’s akin to taking a case on a contingency basis.

        2. She needs an attorney, and she needs to talk to a morgage broker. Unfortunately, she is probably going to have to refinance. A good attorney can help her minimize or eliminate the need to “buy him out” of the property.

      2. In the same vein, in some states she might be entitled to a form of spousal support or pre-divorce alimony depending on their respective incomes. Those funds would help her afford an attorney.

  17. I made partner at my small law firm recently. Before, everyone said nothing wouod really change, you’re already doing the job, etc. But lately it feels like things really have changed and not in a good way – partners are much shorter with me, I’m not sure how staffing works, and generally feel like I went from being a super competent senior associate to now kind of flailing around. Normal? Just growing pains?

    1. Completely normal. Do you have a partner mentor who can kind of guide you through the transition?

    2. UGH MOD!!

      Completely normal. Do you have a partner mentor who can kind of guide you through the t r a n s ition?

  18. Work advice needed: Late 20s, in tech. I boomeranged back to a former employer last year, with my recent work history going something like this:

    Company A (F50): 2.5 years
    Company B (start up): 1 year
    Company A: 1.5 years

    I went back to Company A because I got an offer that was a promotion from my position at Company B, and a double promotion from the position I initially left at Company A. The position reported into someone I had an existing personal friendship with, who I knew to be a great manager. I was excited about the work scope, and all around coming back was a no brainer (the start up was also a complete mess but that was beside the point).

    My first year at Company A was excellent–I was really happy and did very well. About six months ago I was moved into a new role (same manager, but working with a different team) that has turned out to be awful all around. Terrible hours, toxic and mean colleagues, impossible deadline demands, etc. I also feel I don’t have the right skillset to do well in the role, and that someone else could do a much better job. I’ve expressed all of this to my manager and ask to be moved to a different role. He’s sympathetic but has little to offer besides “give it some more time, it’ll get better, I think you’re doing great making the best of a bad situation”. Going back to my old role is not an option, and I’m supposed to be on this project until at least end of 2024.

    A former colleague recently reached out to see if I’d be interested in a role at his company (also F100). It’d be similar level, but with some fun international travel, better hours outside of travel weeks, and less stress overall. I’m interested and am going through the interview process (I feel pretty confident that I’ll get an offer), but really struggling with a) feelings of loyalty to my manager/friend who brought me back to Company A and b) very worried about how three short stints in a row will look on my resume. A friend I talked to had the quip of “anything on your resume only becomes a problem when people stop offering you jobs”, which is true, but I worry it’ll look bad down the line when I look for new jobs in the future.

    1. You’re fine, take the new job. it sounds exciting and like a good next step!
      You don’t owe loyalty to the manager – he is actually not doing what you need to make this role work for you, plus it’s just business.

      1. And even if it were, my feeling is that nobody really cares about that kind of thing any more. I say go for it!

      2. FWIW, your career trajectory does not remotely raise job-hopping concerns to me (also tech). 2.5 years is a good long stint; returning to the same company shows you clearly left with a solid recognition; and your last several years shows regular career growth trajectory

    3. I think your history is easily explained to anyone viewing your resume ‘cold’ – like, pretending I know nothing about the context you just provided, I would assume “ok, stable Job, left for a start-up, things went south and you wanted to return to the familiar. And they were happy to have you and promote you! Probably considering other options now that you have your feet under you again.”

    4. I’m not in tech, but always heard that turnover and positions were shorter in the tech industry. Has that not been your experience with coworkers?

  19. polling…related to my Acadia questions yesterday. How long to get up the Cadillac summit for sunset view? I booked 6-6:30 reservation, plan to get there at 6 and sunset is at 6:45/6:50 time. Do I have enough time? I don’t want to be too early or too late! Thanks in advance!

    1. went 2 years ago and don’t remember the drive being particularly long after you check in with your reservation. getting there at 6 should be fine.

      1. Thank you for this…that’s what I’m thinking too…3 mile drive even at 25 mph speed limit.

    2. The reservation system has cut down substantially on the traffic so the drive should only be about 20 minutes from Bar Harbor. Finding parking at the summit can sometimes be challenging, but being there 45 minutes before sunset is probably plenty.

      1. Ok so if I enter the gate at 6:05, does that give me enough time if sunset is at 6:45? Or should I try to reserve 5:30?

        1. I think that should be fine. The gate is probably at most 10 minutes from the summit by car.

        2. Honestly, I’d probably try for the 5:30 if you can. From the gate it’s going to take at least ten minutes to drive to the summit. You’ll need to find parking and then figure out where you want to sit. I’m chronically early, but when we did sunrise I was at the summit and parked almost about 45 minutes early.
          If you are doing the 6:05, factor in the time it takes to get from the park entrance to the gate. For example, I’m pretty sure it’s about a ten minute drive from the Hulls Cove park entrance to the Cadillac Mountain gate. Depending on where you enter the park, that part of the drive will vary

  20. Does anyone have the Mongolian Cashmere Midi Skirt from Quince? I’m not normally a midi skirt person but I can’t stop thinking about this skirt for fall….

    1. I bought a couple of the Mongolian cashmere sweaters and the quality was really poor. I would avoid it.

      1. Drats, kind of what I was worried about. Anyone try the Merino Knit Midi Skirt from Boden?

        1. Everlane has a knit midi skirt. No idea what it’s like, but it appears to be on sale.

    2. Last year BR had some midi cashmere skirts I really liked, so maybe check there in a few weeks (I don’t see similar fall/ winter skirts there yet).

    3. Quince has been hit or miss with me. The cashmere is definitely a miss. I have a cashmere sweater that needs to have pills removed after every time I wear it. I can’t imagine how a skirt would hold up.

  21. In the mid-2010s I loved Cole Haan’s wedge heels for comfortable and professional work shoes — what’s the new version of those? I’m looking for something I can walk a bit in but still look professional enough for client meetings/not like they’re my commuting shoes.

    1. No suggestions but if you are referring to the wedges that had the Nike technology, I loved them and miss them too!

  22. Another divorce rant. EXH makes bank but has a new family and now some more kids. He went a year without paying rehabilitative alimony and child support. Then sought a child support reduction. Then got sued to garnish wages. Then declared bankruptcy (and has filed 3 wage-earner plans, all rejected, is pro se). Then changed jobs so it is a fight to re-garnish. He owes north of 40K in arrears and yet is only ordered to pay $100 a month toward arrears (makes north of $500K a year as a doctor). How can any other creditor get away with that unless the money owed is to an ex and related to child expenses (mainly keeping the mortgage paid and food on the table)? Is there no better remedy for women creditors against their exes? It’s like debts like this aren’t as real as car loans or anything else. At this point, he could die with this u paid (and no ex-spouse can really rely on this in retirement).

    1. Have you tried asking his state’s medical board for ideas re garnishment so you don’t have to refile every time he gets a new employer?

    2. Does he own any property or have an ownership interest in a medical practice? Can you get a lien against either for the arrearages so that you’ll get paid at some point? What does your attorney advise?

      1. If dude is remarried you probably can’t go against his tenancy by the entirety property. And he is also bankrupt, so that complicated things. Where is the $ going — up his nose?

  23. Pet peeve of the day: when someone asks you for your availability for a call sometime in the next week, do not offer only one time slot unless that is truly the only time you are available. Especially if many people will be on the call. Don’t make my assistant chase you because you refuse to provide more than one option at a time. So rude.

    1. Okay, but these strings are very annoying, esp. when there are many people on the string. The string should start with something like: Please let me know which of the following times (or windows) work for you, Please include your availability for each.
      People randomly throwing out multiple times across a week just creates unnecessary back and forth and makes tracking the discussion time-consuming when it shouldn’t be.

      1. Agreed. There have been a lot of scheduling complaints lately by people who must think they’re the only ones with any other commitments.

  24. Do you have an online fax service you recommend? I currently use myfax.com, but I don’t love the user interface. Efax.com looks good, but it’s hard to know without having an account, so I would like to know what others have experienced.

    Please don’t try to talk me out of using faxes – it is necessary for communicating with our health care providers.

    TIA

  25. Can anyone recommend a neck pillow for plane travel? I gave up on them when I last tried them, but I’d like to try it again and see if I can sleep on flights. The last time I had a bad experience with one that had little foam pellets that started oozing out of a seam, so I’d like to avoid that.

  26. I have to put my very beloved cat down today and I’m heartbroken and feeling guilty and all feeling all the emotions that come along with this. Does anybody know of any good essays or reading about losing a pet? I think I’d find comfort in reading how other people articulate these feelings. I keep thinking she seems fine and this is way too early, and then have to remind myself she has a terminal disease and it will only get worse and more painful for her.

    1. No recs but all the hugs. I said goodbye to my dog five weeks ago and still cry every day. It is so hard to be the one to make this decision, but remember you know your pet and if she is ready, it is a kindness to let her go peacefully.

    2. I’m so sorry. I don’t have anything to suggest but sending love. It’s a hard decision and in many ways a painless death to avoid incomprehensing suffering is the last gift we give our pets

    3. I am so sorry. I don’t know of any good writing, because it makes those sad, sad moments come flooding back.
      You are your dear cat’s advocate, and you’re making the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make for her, and you’re doing it out of love. In general, better to ease her suffering a day early rather than a day late. I’ll be thinking of you both.

    4. I’m so sorry. We had to say goodbye to our dog last month. It still catches me off guard sometimes – especially when I first get up in the morning or come home from work; I look for her.
      Looking back on it, I think we waited too long. So if she seems like she’s okay, you’re actually doing the best, most heartbreaking thing – letting her go before she suffers. It’s the right thing to do, but it is also deeply awful.
      Hang in there. We’ll be thinking of you.

    6. Hugs to you. I don’t know of any reading suggestions. I hope that your happy memories provide you with some comfort. It’s so hard having to make these choices, but you made the one that would bring her peace and prevent future suffering.

  27. Weddings are so expensive.
    I have a family wedding that I have to go to. All the hotels in the area are $250+ per night. I can take the train there but it’ll be at least $50 each way. At least I already have a dress, and my gift is the family gift. But still, $600 for 1 weekend!?!

    People say not to go if you can’t afford to. What does that mean? If I save less than I would like to that month to go this wedding does that count as “can afford to”?

    1. Depends on your stage of life, I think. In your 20s I’d say you can afford to go so long as you can cover it without running up credit card interest or skipping essential things like food. Cutting back on savings a bit is ok. Savings should be a bigger priority in your 30s and 40s, but for a family wedding I would really endeavor to go even if it means taking a savings hit. $600 is not that much in the grand scheme of things.

      1. This is where its at. I’m 29. Wouldn’t go into credit card debt. It’s that I usually put $1000 per month into my savings and this will eat into that so I’ll put $500. Still have money left in the “envelope” for travel for the year.

        1. Then to me this 100% means you can afford it. “Putting less into savings that month” is how I afford most “big” expenses: attending weddings, needing a new phone, etc. If you can still afford to put $500/mo away, you can afford to go to a family wedding

          How have you afforded other weddings you’ve been to?

          I’m also 29, each month I put $100/month into a wedding sinking fund. It doesn’t cover my wedding attending expenses for the year, but it certainly helps!

        2. That means you can afford this wedding.

          You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but don’t pretend it’s because you can’t afford it.

          You don’t even have to dip into savings to afford going.

          1. Yeah, notwithstanding what I posted before, you can totally afford to go to this wedding. If you don’t want to go, just own that.

    2. I really hate the weeding complex and decline to attend all but local weddings without elevated dress codes. If the money is a stressor for you, I think it is appropriate to decline. Send a gift and a heartfelt note before the wedding so there is no question the family member knows you are acknowledging the occasion.

      1. This feels very grouchy to me. You really don’t attend any out of town or dressy weddings?

        I get not sending lots of money to attend a mere acquaintances wedding or a dipping out of a destination wedding, but do you not show up for code friends and family?

        1. People here HATE brides and weddings. I’ve never met anyone in real life who is as negative about weddings as half the people here. It’s really baffling.

          I spent a lot of my 20s using most of my money and vacation leave to attend weddings (we regularly spent $2-3k just for a weekend, although that was for two of us) and yes, sometimes it did get tiresome using so much of our money (and PTO — I think that was even worse than the money!) to buy plane tickets to places we otherwise had no interest in visiting. But I loved the weddings themselves and celebrating with my good friends. Now that I’m in my late 30s I really miss it — baby showers and graduations just don’t bring people together the same way, so once you’re past the stage of life when everyone is getting married you don’t have many chances to catch up in person with your good friends from high school and college who don’t live locally. And it’s important to show up for friends and family. This is how you maintain relationships. Someday you’ll have a wedding and want them to show up for you.

        1. You’ve described the lives of at least 50% – maybe 60% – of the people who post here. I swear, their unhappiness just radiates off the screen. It’s really sad.

          1. Ha! I am the most-liked lawyer at my firm, have 4 social invites a week, know someone in every bar and restaurant in my intown neighborhood, speak to my neighbors, am the go-to person in my family plus the one and only first cousin on either side who is friendly with any of the others, have a BF of a year who is 10+ years younger (after choosing among several options last summer) and am universally liked by his friends and co-workers. I just don’t like weddings.

        2. I honestly have too many friends to keep up with and my family is small, widely dispersed, and also does not value big or expensive weddings, so that has not been an issue. The reality is that I have lost touch with every person whose wedding I have attended/participated in immediately thereafter, either because of hurt feelings stemming from the wedding or their general rejection of unmarried people once married. I have lost touch with some but not all of the people whose weddings I declined to attend. I don’t envision myself ever traveling for a wedding again other than if I elope overseas or my sister gets married someday, which seems very unlikely after 15+ years with her partner, even though I would highly encourage it for practical/legal/financial reasons. I’m way past the prime wedding season of life and have zero interest in attending inconvenient or expensive celebrations for other people’s kids. Local, non-formal events, I’ll be there.

      3. I love weddings; how many other parties do we throw that we invite all our loved ones to? I’m also pretty sure my ancestors actually spent more proportionate to their resources on weddings, between special occasion clothing, special foods, and traditional observances. Capitalism can be tacky, but it didn’t invent weddings.

    3. You decide what counts as “can afford to,” you don’t have to justify it to anyone on the internet or in real life. For me, if the expected enjoyment I’ll have at the wedding (and closeness with the couple) outweighs the cost of going, I’ll go. If it doesn’t, I won’t.

      For instance, a distant relative’s wedding that requires an overnight stay is a no for me.

      1. 2 nights stay at that. And in a very random suburb, not like a city I would like to visit anyways.

        1. Yeah but you’ll be there with all of your relatives, no? So maybe it’s kind of like a fun mini family reunion.

          When I’ve had to travel to relatives’ weddings it’s been fun because it’s the only time my entire family is reliably in one place.

    4. I think a better inquiry is “is it in your budget?” Sounds like the answer is “no,” so decline and chip in on the gift and call it a day.

    5. If you’re going with your family, assuming it’s parents or siblings, can you crash in one of their hotel rooms and just go for one night (especially since you’re taking the train there, sounds like it’s not a far trip)? I’m sure they would be sympathetic if this is putting you in a bad financial spot. You could offer to throw in $50 for the room, or just pay the difference to get a bigger room so you aren’t cramping them.

      Also, it would suck, but if it’s an under 2 hour train ride (like Philly to NYC), you could go home the same night as the wedding. Even an uber would probably be less than $250.

    6. If it’s a family wedding, I’d split a hotel with family, or stay with nearby family, or stay in a Cheaper hotel, or send my best wishes and a $200 gift. And I’m a rich 40 year old woman.

    7. I very strongly believe in showing up for big events, so I’ve never turned down a wedding but have easily spent $1500 to attend one wedding.

      I just make peace with the fact that this is where my disposable income goes right now

      1. This is the way. So much of what’s important in life is being there for people and showing up. The wedding season of life is one of the best too, so much love and joy. You can make any of them affordable too – wear what you have, bunk with friends or family, no need to splash out on a gift just find something heartfelt and if all else fails, Prosecco and vintage champagne glasses.

    8. I think you get to decide on what “can’t afford” means, but this sounds like it’s probably a close ish relative, if so I think you should make the effort to go.

      Could you carpool and / or share a hotel with a relative? Are you able to only stay over one night instead of two? I only stay over both nights if I’m in the wedding party and need to be there for the rehearsal. Will you get to see some fun relatives you don’t see terribly often?

    9. You stay on a cot in the room of another family member. And you contribute a little towards the room.

      This is a relatively cheap wedding, as they go, and since it sounds like you are close by I would probably go because it’s family.

      When I was in my 20’s, I only traveled to weddings if it was for a very, very good friend. VERY, very good friend. And I tried to attend local weddings that didn’t involve major travel, and all family weddings (very small family). Otherwise, I sent a card and a gift that I could afford.

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