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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
We've featured Talbots' Aberdeen knit blazer before, because it comes out every season in new colors (we'll probably add to our Workwear Hall of Fame), but this Riviera Blue just looks so pretty and so powdery perfect. If you haven't had a light blue blazer like this as a separate, do give it a try, because it's very versatile. Try wearing it with black or navy, or brighter colors like kelly green, or even try a tone-on-tone look with different shades of blue. This particular blazer is a piqué knit, which should be pretty lightweight for summer, and it's available in a number of colors in sizes 2–24 as well as petite, plus, and plus petite for $159–$179. Aberdeen Knit Blazer – Piqué Knit
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2019 Update: We're adding this blazer to our Workwear Hall of Fame because after years it's still around, coming out in new colors and fabrics every season, and getting rave reviews.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Let's Get (un)Funky
This is a long shot, but has anyone found a dupe/knockoff for Rothy’s? As the weather gets warmer my flats are starting to get funky and I love the idea of a washable flat, but Rothy’s just aren’t in the budget right now.
Any and all remedies for the funky flat phenomenon are also welcome :)
Anonymous
To remove odors, spray the insides of your shoes with cheap vodka or put them in the freezer overnight.
Anonymous
Or Lysol spray.
anonanon
There was a version at DSW a few weeks back.
Delta Dawn
I combed through the DSW website and found these knit shoes similar to Rothys:
Skechers Cleo
Mix No. 6 Gerrama
Softwalk Sicily (round toe)
Kelly and Katie Tundra
Blowfish Coz (this one has a white sole and looks more athletic though)
Kelly and Katie Melinah
Skechers Wham
Skechers Knit Mule
HSAL
You’re truly doing God’s work.Not the OP but thanks!
Delta Dawn
Happy to do it! I was hoping to find some blush/pale ones for spring, so it was self-motivated. No luck on spring colors, but some of these do look promising!
Anon
+1 to sketchers Cleo. I have them in navy and black for my 1/2 mile walking commute on warm days and they’ve held up surprising well. And for around $30 on sale, not a big if they get stinky and need replacement. Will need to try the pantyliner suggestion below when the weather gets warmer!
Inspired By Hermione
I have the Skecher Cleos and they are pretty clearly an intentional dupe. People have asked me if they were Rothys. But despite the memory foam sole, they’re not very comfortable. It’s sort of like walking on pavement in a pair of socks. They also get out of shape easily.
Neither of these things keep me from wearing them.
RGH
Sketchers makes a round toe version. They still smell though.
Anonymous
I wash cloth and pleather flats in the dryer on low and airdry. I remove the insole and wash that in a lingerie bag at the same time.
Good luck
I have cheap shoes and smelly feet.
I put a pantiliner or a very thin maxi-pad into the shoe, and honestly walk around on it all day no problems. It absorbs “wetness and odors”. That is literally it’s job. Then, I throw it out.
Baby powder also works.
Anon
Use foot powder in your shoe before you put it in. That’s what it’s for. It works.
Anonymous
Yep. Make sure it has zinc in it; that’s the active ingredient. The alcohol/freezer solutions aren’t as effective.
I haven’t tried Rothy’s since, even though they’re washable, I’m pretty sure I’d need to wash them by 11AM, which doesn’t help me much.
Anon
Why don’t you just wear the thin no show socks made for flats?
anon
+1. I cannot stand having bare feet in shoes, unless they’re sandals. So sweaty.
Socks are difficult
Not the OP, but I have yet find a pair of “no show” socks that truly are no show with flats and actually stay on my heel. Maybe my foot’s too small (sz 6) and my heel’s too rounded or something. Closest have been smartwool, which come in actual sizes (rather than one size fits all/most) but they do show with certain flats. I run into the same sock issue with sneakers (ie Vince slip-ons and Supergas). I can’t wait for crew length socks come back into style…or trickle down to from the street style influencers!
Anonymous
For what it’s worth, I do just wear crew socks with slip ons and the like. I have a pack of rainbow colored Bombas ankle socks I wear with my black slip ons, and then other various cartoon/patterned socks. I personally think they look fine and even cute as long as the rest of the outfit doesn’t clash, it only pings as a faux pas to me if they are like ratty white socks showing on an outfit where they don’t belong.
I also liberally wear crew/quarter socks with loafers and ankle pants, it’s pretty much my staple winter look.
Unicorn
Can anyone recommend a waterproof shoe (suitable for rainy, warm weather) that comes in wide widths and doesn’t look like or have the weight of a hiking boot/shoe?
anon8
I have seen the Sam Edelman rain boots mentioned on Extra Petite, but not sure if they come in wide widths.
Anonymous
Check out Blondo
JB
+1
The original Scarlett
I have a pair of crocs flats that I use for rainy warm weather. Not sure if they still make them, but I think the concept is around.
anne-on
+1 – the crocs ballet slippers in warm rainy weather commutes. They get gross, you rinse them off and done.
Anon
Ditto Crocs’ more shoe-like selections. I also wear the ballet slippers for commutes, and there’s a loafer style I’ve been eyeing on Amazon, too.
If you’re looking for something for casual wear, I love my shoes from the Keds Scout line – I like them so much I have two different styles. https://www.keds.com/en/keds-keds-she-scout/?rst=Scout
Anonnon
Target has a wide width chelsea rain boot online under their A New Day label. It fits great and is neutral enough.
Nature
After a visit to a gorgeous beachside town and the accompanying dreams of moving there, some questions for those of you who live in beautiful places with easy access to nature:
How did you end up there? Do you feel that you are able to take advantage of the nature regularly? Do you think your location truly impacts your quality of life and happiness?
Especially interested to hear from anyone who lives in a place that is beautiful but doesn’t have a crazy cost of living.
Anonymous
I live at the beach.
– Moved there after looking at a few different options
– Take advantage of it every day I am home (walking, biking, surfing)
– Absolutely impacts my quality of life/happiness
… Cost of living is very high, though.
Anon
Bay Area, great nature, too much traffic to be able to maximize my time in it. I love the Sierra Nevada though and I do what I can. I’m outdoorsy so better access to the outdoors (including lower COL and low traffic) is a top priority for my husband and me when we move out of the area.
I will say that it always kind of annoyed me to visit family who lived in a ski town but didn’t ski (instead they watched a lot of TV). They knew how to ski, but didn’t (and they had the money to do it whenever). I so wish I had grown up there with access to skiing 15 minutes down the road!
Anon
I live in a place that I think is really beautiful. It has a lot to offer – great restaurants, music festivals, the arts scene of a college town, opera an easy drive away. The downside is that my job is far from H’s job, so we spend a lot of time commuting.
It’s hard to find a lot of job opportunities within a short commute, get easy access to nature, and have a reasonable cost living. Pick two and you’re good.
anon
That’s a good point. We live in the north suburbs of Chicago, a half-mile from the lakefront beach and park and go all the time – even in winter and nearly every day in warmer weather. Neither of us would have the job opportunities we have in a smaller town, which is good because we pay out the nose for our home, taxes, etc. We have family that lives in a gorgeous place that’s a much lower cost of living, but they drive an hour to the nearest city for work and those job opportunities are pretty much capped for them.
Anon
Following as I’m trying to move to Savannah but the job market there is awful
Anonymous
What field?
Anon
Four years in the compliance industry in banking but open to anything as I’m pretty bored and don’t think this is for me in the long term. Not a lawyer.
Anonymous
How might you be useful to a local bank (that may do multifamily lending) or builder/developer (building new developments / hotels / multifamily housing)? If you’re not in healthcare, those are the people there right now who are busy. Healthcare + building trades + the usual hospitality/golf/retiree-serving industries.
Anonymous
Places I would have liked to work in post-law school: Savannah, Wilmington, Charleston. All had M-HCOL, not a lot of local jobs, not a lot of decently-paying local jobs, and a lot of “you aren’t from around here.”
People who I know who work those places: teachers (like of the K-12 variety), nurses, doctors, CPAs, people who own restaurants, people who own drycleaners, a guy with a car dealership.
Anonymous
Also: people who do hair; realtors
Anonymous
I live in a beautiful coastal town that is very popular with tourists. On paper, cost of living is below average, but we also have not great public schools and the job market isn’t very diverse. We spend a lot of time outdoors because it stays warm to hot here most of the year and much of that time in the summer months is around the water. Overall, yes, it definitely is a positive in our lives and we are willing to make the trade-offs to stay in the area.
Unicorn
I grew up in Boulder, Colorado. People there absolutely take advantage of the beautiful surroundings and great weather. I will also say that I think living near mountains is way better than living near the ocean because you can always see the beautiful mountains but you have to be pretty close and/or up high to see the ocean. Boulder is extremely expensive, though.
aananoanon
I live in a very rural area, and do multidisciplinary STEM work. DH is a lawyer. But, our HHI is less than 100,000 at the likely peak of our earning potential here. COL is inly moderate, not truly low.
That said, I like seeing deer, hawks, and a river out my window while I work and commute. I’ve never lived in a city, or far away from nature.
DH used to hike many weekends, but for the last few years poor health has kept us out of the mountains. We drive the dog down to the lake if the weather isnt to hot, or too cold on the weekend.
Anonymous
I have a college suitemate who moved to Myrtle Beach. It’s not a fancy place, as beach places go. But it is one of the few that has a LCOL. Husband was a local CPA. She said that had she been a teacher, CPA or a nurse she should have found a well-paying job there, but short of waiting tables (which she was really good at) or being a golf pro, many other jobs in a resort town didn’t pay enough for the child care expenses once she had kids, so she was a SAHM who did a very impressive amount of volunteering and tutoring kids (it is a very, very poor area generally) along the way.
Anon
I’ve lived in Miami and Honolulu (which are obviously beach towns but also major cities with lots of jobs). I enjoyed living near the beach, especially in Miami where I rented a condo right on the beach, but ultimately I don’t think it did that much for my quality of life. And I don’t think it really scratched my itch to travel either – even if where you live is beautiful, you get used to it and you still want to go see new places. There are lots of other downsides to those cities, including very HCOL, traffic and bad public schools. The happiest I’ve ever been is my current situation, in a small Midwestern city, with great schools, minimal traffic and a very LCOL. My mortgage payment is so low (under <$1000 for a nice single family home) that I have lots of money to throw at travel and fun adventures in my area. Living somewhere boring but being able to take 2-3 international vacations/year + 2-3 weekend getaways to US cities/year is way better for my quality of life than living where people vacation.
anon
For me, it’s the weather in the Bay Area that improves my quality of life immensely. I hate the cold, I count my blessings every day that it’s nice and sunny, and I enjoy my garden with year-round interest.
Anon
That’s fair. The weather in Honolulu was great as were winters in Miami (summers too hot/humid), but as someone working fairly long hours in an office job I don’t feel like weather impacts my quality of life that much, either positively or negatively.
Anonymous
I loved Honolulu, but I know a lot of military spouses who did not b/c they could not find jobs there (and the schools were bad enough that there was substantial homeschooling or co-schooling (math club with the major’s wife) b/c you had a lot of educated but idle women (usually, but would be an issue with men, too).
In the service, you get to go to a lot of lovely places and the CPAs/nurses seemed to do the best, work-wise.
Anonymous
I grew up in Honolulu and sometimes I sit in my midtown NYC biglaw office scheming of ways to move back…
In high school i didn’t really take advantage of the weather/beach/mountains/beauty because I thought that was what everybody experienced… and I was a nerd. The call seems stronger now, but agree that when you’re living in 365 days a year, day in and day out, it’s easy to forget how amazing it is.
The original Scarlett
I live a mile from the Pacific Ocean and go on walks there all the time. I’m from here, so it was easy to stay somewhere beautiful. Makes it worth all the other things that come with the high cost of city living.
Anon
I live in the Bay Area. I’m from here so I didn’t immediately think of it as one of the places you are talking about until I saw others mention it.
It impacts my quality of life in that I’m outdoors a lot. I have a backyard living room and if I’m reading a book or a magazine or the paper on the weekend, that’s where I am. I live in a highly walkable neighborhood so I walk for most of my errands on the weekend, whether it’s going to get my nails done, or buying light groceries (still drive for the big shopping) or going to a movie or a restaurant, I can and do walk there from my house, year-round.
It doesn’t freeze here (well, rarely, and it’s in the middle of the night) and it doesn’t get really hot here, so the worst weather we get is rain. That’s why we can be outside all the time.
Anon
Really great timing for this thread. Husband and I finally committed to moving to the coast, and I’m currently in the middle of the interview process for a dream job in a dream town. We’re moving for quality of life and also to be closer to family; it’s taken us a while to bite the bullet, but we don’t want to be 5-10 years down the road regretting not having done it. Anyway, fingers crossed this will work out; if not, we’ll just keep working towards that goal. Glad to read all the responses on this thread.
westernisland
Another beach town resident here. MCOL area, moved here to be close to family. I’m an attorney and could be making more in a bigger city but I don’t work/don’t want to work that hard. Downsides – a lot of low income people here as we have a big tourism and service industry, schools aren’t great on paper, although we’ve had a very positive experience so far, and there’s little diversity. Not as much culture as a city or a place like Charleston or Savannah, but we are getting there and with two little kids, that’s not a big priority anyway.
But, I get to see the sound every single day, and we have a great small town community.
Senior Attorney
I live in So Cal, although I’m some 25 miles from the beach and don’t get there all that often. We have beautiful foothills almost in our back yard and are a couple of hours drive from the gorgeous desert (were just there this past weekend) and gorgeous mountains. In nice weather we are out riding our bikes almost every weekend, and we eat outside almost every night when the weather is warm. Like Scarlett, I’m from here and never seriously considered leaving. Downside is cost of living is stupidly high.
Anonymous
I grew up in SoCal and miss being able to eat outdoors without being attacked by mosquitoes. I also miss seeing mountains in the distance every day.
Inspired By Hermione
I’m in Seattle and it’s wonderful. I drive down I5 and see Mt Rainier in front. I’m half an hour from the mountains, a fifteen minute walk to Puget Soind, a ferry ride to the San Juan islands, and a few hours from the Olympic Peninsula or the WA coast. I try to enjoy nature in the city as much as I can- walking around our local (huge!) park/parks, walking down to the water with the dog in the morning during the summer. I can take a weekend trip to the coast or a Saturday afternoon ferry ride to dozens of areas. I absolutely love Seattle and frequently find myself in awe looking at the Olympics or the Cascades or the sound or Mt Rainier.
Anon
I live in SoCal as well and DH and I just bought a house less than a mile from the beach. It is definitely a smaller town with all of the downsides of small town living, but I can’t deny that it is beautiful and we also bought in a good school district. COL is, as someone else said, stupidly high.
Anonymous
Los Angeles, relatively easy access to nature (within 2-3 hours for the further flung parks, especially without traffic). Am lawyer so….I think I was at the beach 0 times last summer and have a bikini gathering dust.
This spring I’ve taken two weekend trips to see the wildflowers but superbloom mania was honestly its own kind of hell. I would like to take one like…every week, because I absolutely love being in nature and taking landscape photographs, but the thought of all that traffic and perpetually falling behind in chores/work/etc is sometimes offputting. It’s really hard.
Anon
I’m annoyed by my friend’s extravagant wedding registry. It’s so over-the-top. They are a wealthy couple in their late 30s and they’re still registering for every aspect of their opulent honeymoon, from 500 dinners to 2000 “experiences.” As for housewares, individual plates cost nearly 100. Decanters are 275. Drinking glasses are 125 each.
Is this normal? It could be that I’m totally out of touch. For context: I have the basic Crate and Barrel plates and I thought those were a bit of a splurge.
anon
Not even close to normal in my circles, but YMMV.
Anon
That’s just greedy.
Anon
My husband and I made a deliberate choice to register across a variety of price points. We had plenty of $25 items, and went up to Waterford (which a few people got us).
The registry is for the guests as much as the couple, IMHO.
Vicky Austin
It’s not my normal. And the fact that they’re older and established-wealthy? Is this a first marriage? Are they going for the “experience” of it?
Anon
Too much. Couples should pick from a variety of price points to accommodate the budgets of all guests.
LaurenB
Agree with Anon. It’s considered basic manners to have a variety of price points. You don’t want to exclude the young-starting-out person who can only afford $25 for a shower gift or somesuch.
Never too many shoes...
My entire wedding registry was china and crystal, so I don’t think $100 plates are that over the top.
I do not really understand why this annoys you though, OP – just give them whatever amount you want to and they can use it as they choose.
Anon
Because a registry where the cheapest item is $100 implies that the minimum gift is $100 and that’s rude.
Anon
Or give cash and give any amount you feel comfortable with?
Cat
I mentioned this below, but the thought of giving cash to a friend (especially a wealthy friend) is just not what I am going to do. In my case, an amount of cash that would feel meaningful to me is totally insignificant to my friend; it would be roughly their “weeknight dinner out on a whim” spend. No thanks. I’d go off-registry.
Anon
A lot of people are not comfortable giving cash or were taught that it’s not appropriate. My parents would sooner die than give cash, and they know that it’s not acceptable to go off registry, so they would feel obligated to purchase something on the registry, even if the registry items were far more than they intended to give.
Anonymous
Your parents are wrong. It’s fine to go off registry. It’s a suggestion not a demand. Some people are just determined to be martyrs.
Anon
Joint gift with others for a pricier item? I’d rather receive something off my registry from 2 couples, than something not off my registry from 1 couple. Cash is definitely acceptable to give for a wedding. 50% of our guests gave us money, and we were so grateful.
Anon
Group gifts are a thing for poor 20-somethings. The 30-somethings (and older) I know who own homes and have kids would be pretty mortified to have to go in on a group gift just to be able afford a registry purchase. It’s really not that hard to put a few items in the $50 range on your registry, and it’s a huge kindness to your guests to give them the option of purchasing something in a variety of price ranges.
Anon
I’m Anon from 11:23 am, and I disagree about group gifting being for poor 20-somethings. We were group gifted a kitchen aid from 3 couples that are friends with my in-laws. They went off registry, but I thought it was thoughtful. Other friends of in-laws group gifted us a lamp and bar stools that were on our registry. My parents group gifts all the time, especially for showers. Why should a couple have to list cheaper items that they might not want so their guests don’t feel embarrassed to go in on a gift together?
Anonymous
I had adult family members (aunts and uncles) go in on group gifts for my registry. I really appreciated it!
However, it helped that they already knew each other. That’s not always true for wedding invitees.
Anonymous
I don’t get this though.
If you are setting up a household, china and crystal are not things that people need. If they were truly needed, then single people would get them upon graduating. But that doesn’t happen. It can’t be true that single people in their 30s don’t need crystal / china but married people do. I have yet to see most of my married friends use any of their crystal / china or up their level of in-home entertaining (and singletons seem to do just fine without it).
It just makes no sense.
Anonymous
A lot of us marrieds use it! I use our china and crystal for all family events. I wouldn’t pull it out for friends who often come over with kids and the like so you just might not be seeing it.
anon
I will probably always be a person who sees a $100 plate as inherently over the top. But everyone has different priorities.
anonymous
+1
I’m single and haven’t finished paying my student loans or bought a real bed frame — still using an ugly metal one– but the social contract oddly requires me to purchase expensive, rarely used dishes for my dual income couple friends. The whole “setting up the household” rationale for registries doesn’t really resonate anymore. For that reason, I like the alternative of experience gifts for honeymoons. I’d much rather get you sushi in Tokyo than an “upgraded” knife set or whatever.
Anonymous
No it doesn’t. You can give cash. Or something you think is appropriate and useful and within your budget.
Never too many shoes...
In fairness, just because your friends do not use their china does not mean that other people do not use it. I have served my friends dinner on our wedding chine (admittedly, sometimes takeout) on multiple occasions. More significantly, I got rid of all wineglasses that are not crystal and so we use those all the time. If one or two get broken along the way, so be it – but Wednesday night prosecco in crystal makes my life feel more glam.
Agreed
Because it’s fun to be annoyed by things like this. YMMV
Let's Get (un)Funky
Most registries I’m familiar with have items in a range of prices so that people of different means can find something they’re comfortable buying. If the cheapest thing on it is a 100 dollar dinner plate, I don’t think this registry would qualify as “normal” in my book.
Abby
I was told to register or else people would buy me things off my registry (which I probably wouldn’t want). However, we also registered for some nice things, and I felt guilty but anything that was “affordable” I probably already bought for the house.
SC
The prices for plates, glasses, and decanters sound normal for China and crystal. Those are traditional registry items, but in my circle, most couples who register for China and crystal also register for casual place settings, less expensive kitchen items, etc. I’d just give cash or buy something not on the registry.
Anonymous
I’m of two minds on this. When I was planning a wedding, I didn’t want more stuff, there’s really nothing in the under $100 range that I want that I haven’t already bought myself. The parents and their friends pressured us to have a registry because they wanted to give us a physical gift. I spread by word of mouth that we would really prefer experience gifts – brewery tour, restaurant GC, movie tickets, whatever people felt like giving. I also included a list of our favorite breweries/wineries, local theaters, and our favorite restaurants (in a variety of price points) on the wedding website under the link for the registry.
That said, when I was putting the registry together, I felt kind of icky that all of my items were expensive. I picked out some mugs and cute tea towels and such just to feel less grabby.
ALSO – most registries give you a pretty good “registry completion discount” – some up to 20%. So yeah I totally put those Tumi bags I’d been eyeing on my registry. I didn’t expect anyone to get them for us, but I definitely wanted to take advantage of the discount. I still heard about it from my friends though.
Anon
You were clearly more considerate of your guests than the OP’s friend. Good job :). I tend to shop for wedding gifts in the $75 to $100 range and wouldn’t bat an eye at you including Tumi. I know about the completion discounts and also understand that some people are going to give more than I am–doesn’t bother me in the slightest. The problem comes when a couple registers for nothing under $100. I understand they may have everything they truly need that is under $100 but pick a few items that you wouldn’t mind upgrading (tea towels are a great example) and pop those on there. It’s not that hard to be considerate when you don’t truly need things.
Cat
I mean, not normal for ME, but I do have one friend whose wife’s family is rather wealthy, and their registry was similar. And it was a huge wedding (400 people?) — many of whom were friends of the wealthy bride’s parents and invited for half-friendship half-networking purposes, and who liked to compete with each other with the lavishness of the chosen gifts, as if they were at a live charity auction. The stuff was almost ALL bought… but at that price.
Since I didn’t particularly want to spend my entire gift budget on a plate, we went off-registry. I chose a small vase from Simon Pearce that I knew coordinated with a bowl they already had.
Equestrian attorney
This seems rude – I was explicitly told to register for lower budget items for this reason (for example, I got one of those cute Alessi corkscrews for $40, use it all the time and think fondly of the person who bought it for us). I also put in one of those catchall categories, which a lot of people ended up using, but I didn’t want people to feel like they couldn’t put $25 or $50 or whatever because it wouldn’t get anything on my registry.
Anonymous
I was counsel in BigLaw when I got married in my late 30s. I registered one silver pattern just to note what mine is. I registered for a few items at W-S and Target (my family is poor, rural, and Wal*mart shoppers, Talbots only if on sale). Otherwise, I’d have been laughed out of the reception. If you are in your 30s and have lived adequately sans china and crystal, you can continue to live without it. If you needed it, you’d have bought it by now. In retrospect, registering for even that seemed silly. I really only wanted people’s presence and well-wishes.
Stupid marital-industrial complex.
JS
The honeymoon part feels a little off to me, but consider that most registries give couples a discount on un-bought items post-wedding, so they may be expecting to just complete the sets themselves with a 20% discount.
Anon
If you’re just registering for the completion discount, you need to make it private. That’s an option at most stores. My friend put a $3,000 TV on her baby registry “for the completion discount.” I thought it was the tackiest thing ever. Make a private registry for the stuff you want to buy but you don’t expect anyone else to buy.
JS
That’s…not how that works. Otherwise you could just load up a bunch of registries and hide the whole thing til after their wedding. Not a single registry I have found allows you to make items “private” and all have a requirement for some amount of items to be bought off of the registry to be eligible for the post-wedding discount.
Anon
You can make a whole registry private, so you could set up a registry just for the items you don’t expect anyone to purchase. Not all stores have a requirement that a certain percentage of items be bought (the registry in question was on Amazon, which doesn’t have a minimum purchase requirement for the discount), but even if they do, you can add some things you’d buy anyway (with a baby, especially, consumables like diapers and wipes, which you can never have enough of).
Anonymous
I thought there was no option to make it private and get the discount, because the only reason you’re getting a discount is the free advertising you’re providing by listing stuff on your registry? But things may have changed since the last time I registered for anything.
Anon
Because of the registry completion discount, a gift card to the store at which they registered is a nice gift.
Anon
I think it’s fine to register for more expensive stuff as long as you have cheaper options. For context we got married in our early 20s, most of our friends were in grad school or starting careers and nobody was wealthy. Our registry items ranged from a $10 cheese grater to $100 kitchen appliances to luggage sets, bedding sets and cookware sets in the $300 range. Many of the sets were purchased as group gifts or by friends’ of our parents.
Anonymous
This would not be out of the norm for some of my friends. Just write a check in an amount you’re comfortable with, and don’t worry about buying one of the expensive gifts if there’s truly nothing in your price range. The worst registry I’ve seen is someone who had a wedding that cost well into the six figures whose registry was a fund for a down payment (they lived in an area where their wedding cost was well over a typical down payment). That was really tone deaf and felt like that they were using their friends and family to finance the lifestyle they wanted to avoid having to make their own financial trade-offs.
Worry about yourself
It’s tacky, and I don’t want to dismiss your feeling of frustration over this, but I’d like to offer a slightly charitable explanation: to them, that stuff is normal as far as gifts go, so they probably didn’t stop to realize that their guests may not be able to afford some of that stuff – they should have, of course! If you’re close to them, could you maybe bring it up with one of them and say “hey, I’d love to get you a gift but it seems like everything in your registry is out of my price range, could you add some less expensive items?” Or would it be okay/possible to give a cash gift or gift card to their favorite restaurant instead of buying a physical gift?
Anonymous
Omg don’t do that so weird. Just give what you can afford and want to give.
Cat
On your second suggestion, this may not be the case for others, but I feel like giving friends (especially wealthy friends!) cash or cash-equivalent gift cards is just… not appealing at all. An amount that would feel like a meaningful gift from my perspective is basically what they drop on a “eh let’s not cook tonight, let’s go out” Tuesday dinner.
Anon
+1. I hate giving wealthy friends cash or gift-cards. It feels so meaningless, since they have so much more cash than me. A physical thing that they can use somehow feels a lot more meaningful, even if they could easily afford to purchase the thing.
Anonymous
Ok. So you can either get over it and give a cash gift you can afford, or you can select a physical gift that you can afford that is meaningful. Nothing wrong with that. The registry is just a suggestion.
LaurenB
“If you’re close to them, could you maybe bring it up with one of them and say “hey, I’d love to get you a gift but it seems like everything in your registry is out of my price range, could you add some less expensive items?”
Oh, no. Please don’t do that. That’s so awkward. If it’s really out of your budget, just do something cheap and cute (two ice cream sundae holders with a nice scoop, some loose teas or gourmet coffee you know they’ll enjoy, etc) in whatever price range works for you. But asking them to find you less expensive gifts to buy is just as tacky as they were when they didn’t include < $100 items.
Anonymous
The physical registry stuff is totally normal and common to me. I’m 35 and have crate and barrel plates, id register for Bernaudaud and so have my friends. I don’t see how it’s any skin off your nose. I spend $150 on a wedding gift, I don’t care whether that means buying you ten plates or one. Honeyfunds are always tacky and I just ignore them entirely.
Anonymous
The physical registry stuff is totally normal and common to me. I’m 35 and have crate and barrel plates, id register for Bernaudaud and so have my friends. I don’t see how it’s any skin off your nose. I spend $150 on a wedding gift, I don’t care whether that means buying you ten plates or one. Honeyfunds are always tacky and I just ignore them entirely.
Anonymous
No it doesn’t. If you don’t attend you have no obligation to send a gift.
Anonymous
Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette (6th edition): “Guests invited to a wedding ceremony, whether or not they can attend, should send or bring a gift”
Anon
I feel like this rule assumes that you actually know the person at the wedding and want to give them a gift. For example, I got invited to my brother’s best friend’s wedding. I did not attend but gave him a gift equal to what I would have given if I’d gone to the wedding. I also got invited to my husband’s mom’s cousin’s third wedding in another country. I have never met this person, and my husband has met her like twice. She and his mom are not close. We did not send her a gift.
Anon
A wedding invitation comes with the obligation of acknowledgment, not a gift. A card of congratulations is fine if you don’t attend the wedding.
Anon
I have gone to a lot of weddings in my life and I’ve seen a lot of things, but not $500 dinners and $2000 honeymoon experiences. That is obnoxious.
My typical gift is a place setting of their nice china. I’ve had friends tell me they really wanted the china and only got a few pieces, so I pretty much stick with that. I’m typically looking to spend $200 ish if my husband and I are both attending the wedding.
If they have such expensive tastes that a place setting is more than $200, I would get them a single plate or whatever fits my budget. I really don’t do cash.
Anonymous
If the registry doesn’t include anything in your budget and you don’t want to give cash (I don’t like giving cash either, especially to people who are wealther than I), how about a donation to a non-controversial charity?
Anonymous
I would find this so passive aggressive.
I’ve considered going off-registry with something like a subscription (flowers, chocolates, wine, whatever), but I’ve never actually done it.
Anon
I think the subscription is a good idea IF the receiver actually likes flowers or chocolates or whatever. I would love something like that. The difference for me between the subscription and the charity on a typical gift-giving occasion is that the subscription is something the person/couple gets to enjoy, and the charitable donation is not.
Anon
I’ve gifted a couples massage right before the wedding to two of our close friends and it was a hit. We told them about it a month in advanced and took care of scheduling it, payment, and tip. Another friend was gifted a “live painter” who did a portrait of them during the reception which was so beautiful and thoughtful.
anon
I have only seen the honeymoon experiences once about 6 years ago and then not since, but that may speak to the weddings I go to – where the registries have a wide range of prices and cash is completely 100% accepted and normal. The registry prices you quoted are normal for those items, but typically there are items ranging from low cost to expensive. (Also, there may be registries at different places with varying costs.)
Personally, I give a nice gift or write a big check for a wedding, but that’s because we can afford it. I am not here to tell you how to spend your money or judge you if any amount is simply not in your budget. I am here to tell you that cash or a check is absolutely ok and welcome to your friends. If they turn their noses up at it, then you have a friend problem. I am also here to tell you that it is also ok to not give a gift if it’s not in your means, even though it is customary to do so. After all you are the *guest* at the wedding and invited to celebrate. If you come to celebrate, that’s all that is asked of you. We had a few guests that simply wrote us a card and were honestly grateful that they came to celebrate with us.
If your friends are otherwise lovely people, don’t ascribe tackiness and selfishness to them from their registry – they may already have a perfectly fine garlic press and feel it’s wasteful to add it to the registry just to have something low cost. Or it may never have occurred to them that some guests would rather die than give cash, as someone else mentioned. Or they may come from a big gift culture like I do where the aunts and grandmas would honestly be upset for years if the registry was all items under $20 because they feel a duty to spend $X and one of the aunts would just buy the whole registry to accomplish that or they like to buy “a nice item” and the dish towels (while INCREDIBLY useful to you) don’t pass the “fancy” test for them. Who knows, just let it go, show up with a celebratory attitude and give what you want.
Anonymous
this seems a little over the top for registry items. I also ignore honeymoon funds. I understand what they are trying to do, but I don’t like the concept. If I look at a registry and I don’t like anything on there, I usually go with a bottle of champagne or a restaurant giftcard to a restaurant that I know the couple likes and include a note to “continue the celebration”. Even if they go out and regularly spend $400 on dinner, a $100 gift card could buy a nice bottle of wine, or, at a minimum, upgrade their regular wine
kk
Agreed. Open table gift cards are the answer for us, in a lot of cases. I’d happily send them on a date, in this case.
Anon
+1 I hate honeymoon registries. They aren’t actually getting the thing you “gifted”, just cash and sometimes less a fee. It’s just a way to “register” for cash. I almost always give cash anyways but I really don’t get honeymoon registries and find them tacky. I have also gifted flights for a honeymoon for a family member and a massage for another
Anon
For those saying they couldn’t imagine giving cash, do you just give two gifts then? One for the shower and another for the wedding? I have a large family on Long Island who tends to have big Catholic weddings and they usually play out like this – engagement party (optional cash), shower (physical gift), wedding (cash).
Anon
Yes, two separate gifts if I go to the shower and the wedding (but I have gone to 10x as many weddings as showers). I usually do something very small for engagement if it’s a close friend (ring holder, bridal magazines, champagne), a gift in the $50 range for the shower and a gift between $100-200 for the wedding, depending on how close we are to the bride and groom. I have given cash to very close friends when I knew that’s what they really wanted, but generally I prefer to give physical gifts.
Anon
Do you use LinkedIn? If so, how? I have an account but it seems to have turned into a semi-professional facebook, so I find myself checking it infrequently (monthly?). I’m active in the community and in-person events, but not convinced LinkedIn is a necessary tool.
Anonymous
Yes, absolutely. It is a great way for service professionals (I am a lawyer) to keep track of their network. Without LinkedIn, I wouldn’t know where most of my college friends, law school classmates or professional colleagues are. And it was nice when I made a move to a new firm with a better title to know that my network was notified of the move without my having to send personalized and awkward notices/announcements. Those people do not need to be friends with me on Facebook (too personal) or to follow me on Twitter (too political) or Instagram (too irrelevant). In the past I have mostly just used it as a Rolodex, but now I do plan to post relevant articles (mine and others’) to gently remind people of what my expertise and capabilities are.
anon
OK, this is a delicate question, but I am fairly certain that my boss is dealing with mental health issues — and if not that, something else that keeps her out of the office frequently, but not on any sort of regular schedule. I know others suspect something is going on, as well. It ranges from annoyance at her frequent absences/inability to complete her work to being genuinely concerned about her wellbeing. But nobody is really stepping in and saying, hey, this situation is not tenable for anyone — her, or the team she oversees. She is high up on the food chain; I am a mid-level manager.
From a personal standpoint, I care about her, I’m concerned about her health, and I’ve done whatever I can to lighten her load. I try to be as low-maintenance as possible. The truth is, I’m struggling under the lack of guidance and direction. This situation has been going on for over a year. In turn, I’m starting to deal with my own anxiety issues. (My anxiety is completely work-related.) Whenever I express even the slightest concern about anything, she tries to take over my work — but then never actually does it. She is not someone I can go to for brainstorming ideas or problem solving at this point in time, because she is not capable of offering real, actionable advice.
I’m often caught in situations where it isn’t clear whether I should let Boss handle something, or if I should — because if I don’t, it won’t get done. I try to check in and ask her how she wants to handle things but I don’t get responses in a timely manner, if I get them at all. I have to work many different angles to get the information I need to do my job. And because her political standing is nonexistent at this point, I’m the only advocate for my team. I feel terrible about whatever is going on with her, but this is an exhausting way to work.
So:
1) How do you handle a boss who cannot provide feedback, or doesn’t provide it in a timely manner?
2) How do you protect your own mental health in this situation?
3) How can I be a good boss for my own team when I’m struggling in the relationship with my own boss?
Monday
Can you go to your grandboss about this, or someone else at the level above her? I think Ask A Manager would recommend this.
anon
The only person above her is the leader of our org, who is traveling more than he’s present. I probably stand a better chance if I address it with her peers, who are already aware of the situation and aren’t doing much, from what I can tell.
Anonymous
I may be the boss in this situation, but I think you’re doing what needs to be done. This is how my key guy has managed me and it works. He also has a closer relationship with my boss as a result, which can only benefit him.
Anonymous
If you really think it’s benefitting him, you’re delusional. What benefits people is a coach who supports their growth and development, not a de facto. And definitely not someone looking to be managed herself.
Anonymous
I do think it’s good that he has a better relationship with senior people in the organization – not sure why that would make me delusional. And everyone has a manager and looks for guidance. . . At any rate, in the real world, you don’t always get the bosses you want. Just like I don’t get the life situation I want.
Anonymous
If her boss is out of reach, can you go to her peers in some way? Hopefully you can get some help there. And They may be able to take it up with her boss easier. HR? If there are a lot of absences, at the least it may get some of that documented appropriately if it isn’t already. In the meantime, I’d try to control and advocate where you can. “If you don’t tell me X by Y date, I’m going to do Z.” Make what decisions you can on your own-any blow back reference exact dates you sought help and were left hanging or where she was out. Try to avoid having her take your projects as much as you can. Only ups the likelihood of being dragged in her issues. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. If you don’t get the support you need from on high, I’d be out of there.
Anon
Struggling with mental health issues myself and having been all too aware of how flaky I’ve been in the workplace and how many people I’ve let down while trying desperately to get my issues under control with my doctor, I’d second the poster who recommended giving deadlines. I can’t bear to have things hanging out in the ether (“hey, could you…?”), but if you give me a deadline (“I need X by Y”), I can generally meet it.
Anon
This is a very good, concrete suggestion. I also struggle with depression and hard deadlines are much better for me.
Becky
Has anyone experience with Fisher Paykel appliances? I’m remodeling and saw their gorgeous column fridge/freezer but I hadn’t heard of that brand and there aren’t a ton of reviews out there. Also any preference between a side by side or bottom freezer?
Anon
I really liked the two-drawer diswasher I put in my old house. It was perfect for one person! Unfortunately once I moved and rented the house out, it didn’t hold up to my tenants who broke everything they touched, and was cost-prohibitive to repair.
Find out before you take the leap if there is anyone in your area who services the brand.
AnonMidwest
At my previous house I had the Fisher Paykel Dish Drawers for 12 years. I started off with the first model released in the US and when those finally departed this world (they were about 10 years old) I got the newer model of the same thing.
I really enjoyed them, as much as you can enjoy an appliance and am still bummed about having a standard dishwasher in new house.
I will say that if you don’t live in a urban area, finding repair people familiar with the brand when the time comes it may be more difficult .
Ms B
No idea on the fridges, but I have a friend who has the dishwasher drawers and they break down all. the. time. As in, she is ripping them out (they came with the house) and is putting in a Bosch.
I am 100% Team Bottom Freezer because I like to have the space for trays, pizza in the box, etc. in my fridge and room on the doors for dairy/condiments, but YMMV.
Anonymous
You may not know the answer to this question, but is your friend de-installing the drawers herself or having someone do it? The minute ours break down we are tearing them out and replacing them with a very lovely stainless-interior Bosch dishwasher with a third rack (I already have it bookmarked at Lowe’s). My husband can install a new dishwasher no problem but is worried about getting the DishDrawers out as the installation looks more complicated than a typical dishwasher.
Belle Boyd
I can’t help you with the brand, but I can definitely tell you that space-wise, a side-by-side eats up a lot of valuable real estate for both your freezer and fridge. You may not necessarily need all that freezer space, but you DO need the fridge space. Side-by-sides are a royal pain for fridge space if you do any kind of cooking. And the way the side-by-side is set up (tall, narrow, deep,) I think it’s hard to find things — things get lost in the back, there’s only so much at eye-level and the things on the bottom tend to get lost and unused and then go to waste (the out of sight, out of mind theory.) A top fridge/bottom freezer is my dream set-up, especially if the freezer is a drawer that pulls out. It would be so much easier to organize and be able to see what is inside, everything in the fridge would be more at eye-level and easier to reach, and to me it seems like a much better use of the space. YMMV, but if I were choosing a fridge right now, that’s what I’d go with. For what it’s worth, anyone I know that has a side-by-side ends up having the same complaints about it.
Anonymous
Cosign.
Also, our side-by-side at the TTD water line always freeze up b/c it was on the freezer side. It finally broke and it will be replaced by a model with a top/bottom configuration.
SC
+1 to everything. I moved a few months ago from a house with a top fridge/bottom pull-out freezer to a house with a side-by-side refrigerator. (The refrigerator from the old house couldn’t be moved and wouldn’t fit into the available space at the new house anyways.) The side-by-side refrigerator is too small to fit what we need and too deep to be able to find anything. It’s super annoying, and my husband and I both hate it.
We use our freezer a lot, and it was difficult to keep the pull-out freezer drawer organized. We were mildly annoyed and thought we might be OK with the side by side when we moved. But between the two, I’d rather have the organized top refrigerator because (a) you use it more often, even if you use your freezer everyday, and (b) “losing” something temporarily in your freezer is less likely to mean you’re throwing away something gross.
lsw
Had a decent washer/dryer from that brand. Personally, I love the bottom drawer fridge.
Anonymous
I too will come out against side by sides because it makes it hard to store cookie sheets and larger boxes (frozen pizza, etc). in the freezer. I have to tip things sideways. Next time, I’d either buy a top or bottom freezer to preserve that flexibility.
Trying this again
My first response got lost in mod.
I loved my 2 door dishwasher from Fischer Paykel. It was perfect for one person. Once I moved and rented the house out, it couldn’t stand up to this current round of tenants who break everything they touch and it was cost-prohibitive to repair.
Make sure there is someone in your area who services the brand. Many repair folks don’t.
Anonymous
We moved into a house last fall with the DishDrawers. I hate them. Like, I HATE them and I can’t wait for them to die. They’re supposedly 12 years old so maybe not too much longer. I went from having a lovely large Frigidaire dishwasher in my last house to these things, which are totally inadequate for the needs of our family. We cook a lot, we eat at home a lot, and we don’t use disposable tableware. We have to run both DishDrawers twice a day to keep up with the dishwashing needs of our family. They are finicky about how you load them and they are so shallow I can’t wash pots or some of my Fiestaware plates in them because we get a fault error and have to reset the drawer. Also, they don’t even do a great job of cleaning the dishes! We have to pre-clean the dishes which we did not have to do with our old el-cheapo dishwasher. We have hard water in our area and I had to descale the dishdrawers four times when we moved in, they had so much accumulated scale, and now have to use citric acid in every load which is an extra expense. IMO they are a ridiculous waste of money and maybe they worked fine for the two older ladies we bought our house from but they do not work for us. I can’t speak to the refrigerator, but I can say with authority, don’t buy the dishdrawers.
Anon
Switch them out! This is sucking way too much of your mental and physical time and energy, not to mention water and electricity. Prewashing should be a thing of the past (if you are using liquid or gel soap, switch to tabs… or maybe powder? something that has the enzyme in it).
Anonymous
You can only use one type of detergent in these things: powder. They cannot take tabs or liquid or gel or anything else. And ours seem to be finicky about the powder they accept because we’re now using the third type we’ve tried.
As far as “just change them out”…from your mouth to G-d’s ears :-) or more like my husband’s. He’s one of those people who can’t let go of something till it dies. Ask me how well that worked out with both our old water heater (*cough* leaked all over the garage floor) and our washing machine (*cough* broke in the middle of doing a load of laundry when my son had the stomach flu).
anon
Oh goodness—my sympathies.
Anon with FP
We we adore our FP frig/freezer. It’s counter depth and doesn’t have an ice and water dispenser in the door (yay!). Nice pull-out doors for the freezer. We got it in 2008.
Suburban
Anyone want to help me find a new work tote? Needs to be big enough for papers but not necessarily legal sized papers. Under $500 and almost any color but black. Thanks in advance!
JS
I love the Cuyana structured tote – the organizer keeps it under $500 still if you want more pockets and a laptop sleeve.
Anon
Leatherology or Cuyana
Anon
This is my tote. It’s really really well made for the price, and not too heavy by itself
https://www.cuyana.com/classic-structured-leather-tote.html#stone-blush
For winter, I have the zip top tote in burgundy.
Anonymous
I like the idea of a spring/summer tote and a fall/winter tote!
Anonymous
I’m an attorney and don’t really care what I look like going to/from the office, so I commute with an Everlane backpack. But I have a Cuyana Work Satchel (black pebbled leather) that generally stays at work, is already pre-packed with all my essentials (pen case with my fav pens, tissues, lip balm, business cards, leather padfolio + legal pad, necessary ID’s) for court, depositions, out of office meetings, etc.
Anon
Tory Burch large Robinson tote. The logo is tiny, I like the saffiano leather, has a lot of compartments, and a good color variety. I’m eyeing the pink for spring/summer
Anonymous
You might want to consider Dagne Dover.
FP
I got the Cuyana zip top tote with the coordinating insert and it’s a great work bag. Bag plus insert is right around $300.
Panda Bear
I’ve had good luck with the Dagne Dover Classic tote. They even replaced my first one for free when one of the straps peeled after a couple of years.
anne-on
My work laptop is 15″ so I’m limited in what I can stuff it into. Dagne Dover or Lo and Sons are my two best options. I MUCH prefer the Dagne Dover Charlie tote – it wears like iron, looks gorgeous, great organization, and good laptop padding. But it is HEAVY. I finally gave in and use a Lo and Sons Brookline for international travel/walking commutes. The newer version has much more structure and seems like it’ll hold up better than my old version (which, admittedly, I crammed my pumping gear into as well as my work stuff so that was mostly my fault). Both are really well made and sturdy though – just depends on your commute/weight limit.
Anon
Is it ever beneficial to communicate to your employer that you’re unhappy with your job if there’s room for flexibility? I’m a second year assigned to a practice group I hate and am looking to lateral. The practice area is quite niche and I’m realizing that I’m going to have a difficult time avoiding being labeled as an “X lawyer” if I don’t move now.
The firm and the partners I work with have recognized an attribution problem for junior associates, which makes me think that they may be receptive to me asking to swap practice groups. That said, I know that practice group assignments tap into a lot of firm politics. I’ve asked once and mentioned every time I’m speaking to someone in management that I’m more interested in Y or Z kind of law, but I’ve been told to just stay where I am and keep learning junior skills. Since I’m willing to leave in the next 6 months to get out of X practice group, is it worth it to ask the firm once more to jump groups? If so, how do I do so that conveys I’m going to leave if it doesn’t happen?
Ellen
Go try a new group if you are in a big firm. You owe it to yourself to do so. We in boutique firms don’t have this option. All we can do is leave. I was lucky to find my nitche in WC law, but I could have been serveing subpeenies my whole life if I hadn’t bumped into the manageing partner in the elevator serving that day! So I say, DO IT! What have you got to loose? YAY!!!
cbackson
I think you should start interviewing first, because if you convey that you’re going to leave unless it happens and they are unable to move you, they will start thinking of you as on your way out the door and that will affect how they treat you. You don’t want to be in a position where they essentially call your bluff and then you have nowhere to go.
Anonymous
They know, and they don’t care. Unfortunately I don’t see a point.
Anonymous
Don’t give a firm an ultimatum (I’ll leave if you don’t move me) bc guaranteed as a 2nd year associate they WILL call you on it and push you out the door (often before you are actually ready to leave/have an offer lined up). Sure junior attrition is something they “worry” about, but they don’t really a deep worry because they know they can call a recruiter and have 5 more juniors hired next month if it comes to that. If you want to switch groups, your best bet is to go to the outside market and find an offer there in whichever group you want to be in. Outside firms are WAY more willing to be flexible with candidates that your own firm; your own firm tends to take the attitude of – you’re lucky to be here, deal with whatever group you’re in, we don’t care about your career 10 years from now because you likely won’t be here anyway. THEN if you get an offer, if you REALLY want to stay with your firm, you can THEN ask for a switch and let on that you have an offer in x group at a competing firm so if they aren’t able to make it happen, you’re resigning. And again don’t count on them making it happen for you (and if they do make it happen, think hard about taking it because you will forever be the person who held something over their head to get what you wanted; I still think it’s better to go to a new place and get a fresh start).
Anon
All of this. Find another job. You’ve mentioned it enough for them to have acted on it if they wanted to.
Anonymous
Seriously. You’ve asked once and mention it EVERY time you speak to management? Take the hint — they are not interested in doing it. If you keep pushing on this, they may come out and tell you to leave for greener pastures, esp if you’re in NYC where people are direct about these things. Happened to a friend of mine as a junior in NYC biglaw. Like you she mentioned over and over again that she wanted a transfer to the DC office (fiancé in DC). After a few polite push offs like yours — keep doing what you’re doing; we’ll keep you in mind if we have a need in DC etc. — when she raised it again at her review which was an “official” meeting and always includes a partner from senior firm management, he directly said “if you need to be in DC, then you need to look for firms that are hiring in DC because we aren’t.” She was 100% not expecting that and it shortened her tenure at the firm significantly because at my firm they did not hesitate to then find a performance issue (whether one existed before or not), put you on a 6 mo review cycle instead of the usual 1 yr, and then at that 6 mo tell you you aren’t making the grade and you have 6 mos to leave. None of this would have happened had she just not said anything — she could have sat at our firm and interviewed for jobs in DC for the next 2 years. And yeah the firm did all this at a time where they were supposedly “worried” about junior attrition. As said above, junior attrition just isn’t a real worry because it takes like 2 weeks to hire 5 1st or 2nd years.
Anon
I’d start interviewing so you can have options lined up. Then once you have an offer in hand, you could explain you are leaving but would reconsider if they could move you to a different group.
The fact that you mentioned there’s office politics around moves would be a big red flag to me to not take your firm up on their offer if they let you move. It’s a bad situation to be the reason there’s tension between partners.
In the alternative, you could bring up causally with no ultimatum that you are interested in Y group to a partner you trust and ask if there are ever opportunities to move into that group but I’d tread very lightly. You don’t want to get pushed out.
January
+1. I did switch practice groups at my former firm as a 2nd year, and although I stayed for several more years after that, I believe it was detrimental to my career there. Later, I interviewed with someone who looked at my resume and said sympathetically that he knew how changing practice groups in a firm could create political problems.
Cult?
I think my boyfriend is in a cult, or cult-like situation, and I’m not sure what to do. I say cult-like because at first, it just seemed a Christian church. This was a plus, as we share the same faith. However, the church dominates his life, and the dynamic pastor seems to manipulate him. He has communicated he feels pressured to be at the church nearly every day, Monday through Sunday, helping with everything from various ministries to janitorial duties. When he says no, the pastor gets angry and tells him, she will just have to do it, as no one else will help her.
He has attended this church for 9 years, and he confided that he has fantasies of moving out of state to get away from the church. This man is an otherwise very successful individual with his own business. He owns a home and can’t pack up and move out of state for a variety of reasons (not to mention that this option seems extreme).
I’m not sure if I should head for the hills or help him put up boundaries with this church. I suggested he leave, and he seemed open but afraid. He also gives a significant portion of his income to the church, which his siblings and parents are concerned about. I really see a lot of red flags, and I’m not sure what to do. We’ve been dating about 4 months, we talk every day mutiple times a day, and we see each other 2-3 times a week. He’d see me more except church activities dominate his life. I don’t want to take it to the next level if he’s still in this church. None of my friends have ever been in a similar situation. Any advice?
Idea
The church or the pastor seems to inspire feelings of guilt and obligation in your boyfriend.
Would he consider therapy for these feelings? Start there. You can’t make someone leave a cult, they have to decide to.
Could be a church, could be university alumni events, could be Toastmasters (well, they don’t ask for much money). Anything could inspire these feelings of belonging but also obligation.
You’ve only been with him 4 months but it sounds intense. He has to want to leave the church. Right now he’s not sure if he wants to.
Read “All Who Go Do Not Return: A Memoir: Shulem Deen”. Also a lot of podcasts look into cults.
Anonymous
I’ve actually seen the out-of-state move help people with this. Sometimes the distance is necessary to start working through what happened. But if it’s not feasible for him, maybe he could try DBT therapy to work on better boundaries with this community and this faith leader?
There are many admirable religious leaders out there. But it’s also not exactly uncommon for religious leaders to be narcissists (as in actual NPD). The Wizard of Oz book is a good starting place for understanding those dynamics if they’re in play.
Cat
Are you the same person who posted a similar but not identical question on yesterday’s afternoon thread? Kat, please review this one.
Anon
Why? This doesn’t seem like somebody getting off on women’s workwear. It seems like a legit question.
Celia
Their timelines were different but I did wonder the same thing. The other guy read his book all day without seeming to have much other interaction with his religious house, and the women/writer apparently belonged to the same faith, though with much less engagement.
Anonymous
OP here, did not post a question yesterday, and I am genuinely asking. I feel embarrassed to ask real life friends because we have overlapping social circles, and I don’t want people to criticize him if he’s on the precipice of leaving this church that’s been a huge part of his life for years. Thanks for the book/podcast suggestions.
Anonymous
Toxic Faith is another book to look at.
Unstylish anon
I am really bad at putting together outfits and knowing whether clothing is flattering on me or not. I have an entire wardrobe of things that I am not sure if I should keep or not and I have trouble putting together outfits with the items I actually do like. I would really love it if there was a person who would go through my closet with me and help me put together outfits. Does such a professional exist? Cross-posted with the mom site because I am really interested to hear if anyone has done this!
Shopaholic
I think you could get a stylist to do this, but do you have any girlfriends you think are very stylish? I have helped some friends out with this in the past and would be so thrilled to do it again. I’m sure your friends would also love to do this!
JTM
You need a stylist. If you live anywhere close to a metro area, you can find one.
Also check the blog Putting Me Together – lots of examples of how to pair pieces.
Senior Attorney
There are absolutely people who do this. For example if you are in Seattle, Angie of You Look Fab will style you. If you are in Los Angeles, Rachel of Subliminal Style is great.
But to start out, maybe spend a little time on Pinterest? Like, if you have a pair of blue ankle pants you like, go to Pinterest and type in “blue ankle pants” and you will get about a million ways to style them.
Lobbyist
Yes! I am you. I hired a lady to go through all my clothes in my closet. We got rid of a bunch. It was like an episode of what not to wear, but less mean. Then we went shopping and bought new clothes. Then we came back and made outfits, integrating the old with the new, and adding in accessories. I had not previously had many accessories. Then that lady moved away, I had two years on my own, whereby I backslid to all black and navy and no accessories, and then I got a new lady. Totally worth the money. I pay $100 a hour for her time. She does this for a living and is well worth it. People who don’t know me think I am stylish.
orangepink
Not the OP but similarly fashion-challenged. How many hours did it typically take? (I’m trying to ballpark the total costs.)
CostAccountant
Yes. Google Personal Shopper & your city. I’ve done it & found the service very helpful.
Anon
Yes! Check out yelp reviews for “stylists” in your city. I just had someone go through my closet, help me create outfits, figure out what was unflattering (and what I needed to make future pieces flattering), and what I needed to buy. Then she did some virtual personal shopping for me and sent me a ton of recommendations for specific items. I feel a lot more put together & polished now — and I feel like it was an investment in not spending money on clothes I don’t need or that don’t work for me!
Anon
I am really bad at putting together outfits and knowing whether clothing is flattering on me or not. I have an entire wardrobe of things that I am not sure if I should keep or not and I have trouble putting together outfits with the items I actually do like. I would really love it if there was a person who would go through my closet with me and help me put together outfits. Does such a professional exist? Cross-post with the mom group because I am really interested to hear if anyone has done this!
lsw
YES! I have a friend (who is also a mom) who runs a business doing this. I am happy to pass on her info to you if you are interested! She’s great.
Anon
Yes! I think in my area I’d search for something like a wardrobe consultant. They definitely exist, and I can think of 3 off the top of my head in my LCOL southern city, making me assume they’re common in larger cities as well. The ones I know have lots of different services, from coming into your house and helping with closet organization and outfit composition to just looking at pics of some of your clothes and helping that way.
I haven’t done that in my home, but I have spent a lot of time at Nordstrom with a personal shopper to talk about how to tell if something fits/is flattering. I also spent many hours once at Anthropologie on the same mission (no Nordstrom in my city) and have since actually taken items in to seek assistance with that one item. Like, I’ll take a skirt in and let them know that I can’t quite figure out how to style it or what to wear with it, and they’ll help me find something.
NYC
Any suggestions for NYC? I’ll be there in a few weeks for a business meeting (near Wall Street) but have about a day and a half (Sunday and Monday) on my own. I’ll be solo and I haven’t been to NYC for about 15 years. I love food and museums. I could do a musical but won’t be disappointed if I don’t.
Ms B
If you have not been to the new Whitney, go. It’s gorgeous inside and out. Start at Chelsea Market for coffee and pastries, walk the High Line down to the museum, and enjoy!
Anonymous
1. Have you seen Hamilton / listened to the songs? If you are a fan or a history fan:
2. Trinity Church — see Hamilton’s grave (also Eliza’s and Anjelica’s).
3. Fraunces Tavern (yes, you can eat there)
4. Museum of Financial History (or something close to that)
5. Weehawken (can get there by ferry) if you are really a junkie :)
Musical recommendation: Come From Away (about the planes that landed in Gander on 9/11)(the songs are great)
Ms B
EVERYTHING IS LEGAL IN NEW JERSEY!
ElisaR
Weehawken!? Oh man. I mean I live in Hudson County. please dont’ waste your precious time in NYC going to Weehawken.
Senior Attorney
Second Hamilton and Come from Away.
The Lower East Side Tenement Museum is great and you can have a great Vietnamese meal before or after at An Choi right down the block.
OP
Thanks for all the suggestions! I loved Hamilton so would definitely be up for going to the historical sites.
Anon
I’m sure this has been discussed before, but I just bought the Lo & Sons Seville tote because of their winter sale. I read that it doesn’t hold up well in rain, you can’t fit a lot in it and the strap snaps come undone. Does anyone have this bag and have an opinion on it? TIA
BabyAssociate
I have this tote and haven’t had any of those problems.
BB
I’ve had one for about 3 years. Mine has a saffiano leather outer which holds up great in the rain. You can’t fit a lot in it because of how structured it is. I have never had the snaps come undone even with a ton of weight in the bag. BUT the leather on the side of my straps started peeling almost immediate (I got a replacement and it did the same thing).
Jtapp
Love my Lo & Sons Seville. I especially like the travel shell which is light and hooks to my carry on. The leather shell can be swapped out, and the bag is not too heavy. Love the pockets in the insert. Have no problems in the rain. It is not as big as my previous work bag but I wanted to go a little smaller to force myself to be more thoughtful in what I carry around. I am very happy with my choice.
scsmith
Hi Ladies!
I’m looking for some work pants recommendations, as my current pair are not holding up well (LOFT Rivera Crops 10P). I recently started a new job in Downtown DC; I walk to work and put a lot of wear on my professional wear as a result.
Stats: early 20s, 5’4, 145lbs, muscular pear shape, size 10/12 (occasionally go into P depending on brand).
I’m looking for black, navy, or charcoal pants that can withstand brisk walking and sitting without creasing or stretching out. I can afford to splurge if they are “investment quality” pants :)
Thanks!
Anon
Check out the J.Crew Cameron pants. I got them on a rec from here (also a pear) and they are easily my most frequently worn pants.
ATL rette
Not the OP but talk to me about the pants. I wear a 4 or 6 in Loft and Ann Taylor, but when I tried the Cameron’s on, I went up to a 10 and they were still too tight!!! I think I was trying on the high rise ones, but I was so frustrated that I didn’t want to go try on more.
Is this common?? Am I just wildly out of touch with J Crew sizing? I love the look of them but I just don’t find it reasonable to be a solid 4/6 in most brands but a 12 at J Crew.
Monte
Agreed — I am not a big J Crew fan but I love my Cameron pants.
Cat
+1 for the Cameron, but they are cut SMALL. I take a 6 in JCrew pencil skirts and am a 10-12 in Cameron pants. Hit to the ego but they have been holding up well.
scsmith
Alright friends, you’ve peaked my interest. How small are we talking?
I’m not 100% sure about the sizes offered at my local J Crew, so I’d appreciate some size guidance before proceeding further. Thank you!
Katie
Do you have a vehicle? If so, my top secret shopping weapon is a 20-minute drive from DC, and it’s the Talbots Clearance Store in Springfield, VA. You get Talbots quality for less-than-outlet prices. They have misses, petites, plus, and plus petites. I’ve bought $160 dresses for $15 there. Some of it’s matronly, but they always have a solid selection of work/dress pants in loads of colors and styles at amazing prices.
scsmith
Katie,
No car of my own, but I’m sure I could catch a Lyft/Uber in that direction. Thanks for passing along some bargains :)
Jtapp
I found a pair of ankle pants at Norstrom Rack (brand is Amanda and Chelsea) that I love. I usually spend more on work clothes, but these are very inexpensive (less than $40) and my favorite pair of pants. I have them in black, navy, and a navy plaid. I think they must run a bit big because I buy them in a size 4 (I’m 5’4, 135 pounds and usually wear a 6 or 8).
Flats Only
Yay for this blazer! I have a Talbots dupe of it from last year, and was wondering if it was too dowdy. Now I feel like it’s “Corporette-approved” and I can keep it. Office is business casual and I skew preppy/conservative, and would wear this with ankle pants and a nice T-shirt.
GOT question
I read Emilia Clark’s New Yorker article and now I want to watch GOT (which I saw once, it seemed to be all random copulation, bloody copulation, and killing, which I am normally fine with but this seemed excessive even with my loose standards, but I couldn’t follow the plot at all).
Do I just need to tough it out and watch from the beginning (which I guess HBO will let you do on their app?)? Or is there (hopefully) some abridged version that is bootlegged on youtube?
I am not sure I can deal with 8 seasons of this but I am so intrigued now.
Anonymous
How far did you get in GOT? If you can make it to at least the end of Season 1, and have an appetite to keep watching, I say give it a shot. I mean its a TV show its not some major life event you’re missing out on, but I wrote it off for years for the same reasons you listed and finally started watching it and ended up LOVING it. Other TV shows I like, for comparison, Sopranos, Mad Men, The Wire, Breaking Bad….I also like Grey’s Anatomy and Teen Mom, but I’m just pointing out I certainly have a type, and that type is not for evvveryone.
Anonymous
I never got anywhere with it – an episode came on after something I was watching a year or two ago and it was about 20 minutes of gore and some humping. I know that there is a plot in there somewhere, but I was not getting a whole lot of “it’s like the Wars of the Roses but with Vikings.” I did love The Wire . . . a man has got to have a code! And Breaking Bad. And Sons of Anarchy (up to the point where Jax killed the Sheriff; everyone I cared about died).
Anon
Not sure if you’re aware of it but the show has a rape culture to it as well. I won’t watch just because of the rape scenes.
Anon
+1
I started to watch it because my husband was watching it, but there was so much gratuitous rape that I never wanted to watch it again.
If you’re interested you can read about the pledge from female directors not to depict rape in their films. Basically what they’re saying is that rape scenes are included in films to 1) titillate male viewers, 2) represent the worst possible thing that can happen to a woman as a plot device, and 3) to put female characters in their place. None of these are good reasons for including rape – and they kind of glorify rape. It is possible to tell a meaningful story – and these stories are all made up, after all – without raping the female lead(s).
Anon
Forgot one – to provide a back story for a male character’s rage when his woman gets raped – another man taking something that “belongs” to him.
Anonymous
If you can get through Season 1, it will all start to make sense. It took me a few episodes and then I was hooked. It’s not my usual type of show – too bloody/violent – but it’s been an entree to lots of other good shows I’ve since loved (Last Kingdom, Vikings, etc.)
Juliska
Googlethe phrase “Game of Thrones essential episodes,” or something like that. With season 8 starting in 3 weeks, many people are re-watching seasons 1 through 7, but a lot of people (like me) don’t have time to re-watch all 67 episodes. There are many different lists online of which episodes are essential for each season. Just be sure to start with episode 1, as it introduces the major characters and conflicts.
Vicky Austin
GOT is pirated (torrent-type downloading) probably more than anything else in the world. That and HBO free trial/use someone else’s HBO are pretty much the only ways to watch it. Unfortunately you won’t find it on YouTube. You can find the books for free sometimes if you are interested in that.
I’m intensely interested in GOT/the book series and have been for a while, but ultimately I’ve enjoyed fanfiction/fandom surrounding it much more than the actual source material, and I think this speaks to GRRM’s ability to create wonderful characters, but also shines a light on the structural weaknesses of his storytelling, especially his staggering dependency on sex as a plot point (including but not limited to rape), as well as the show writers’ storytelling weaknesses (don’t get me started). I blew through the books in about a week and then took another two years to finish watching the show because I just couldn’t binge it like you can other, lighter stuff. That said, sometimes it can be really good TV and the acting is nothing short of phenomenal. And the first season is rough. It got better after that, at least in terms of not having random nekkid women every other damn shot.
Anonymous
Luckily I don’t really “watch” TV as I have it on as I fold laundry, iron, and do other household tasks. So just may tune out the nekkidness.
Anon
I’d actually love to hear your thoughts on the show writer’s storytelling weaknesses!
Vicky Austin
Oh gosh, okay, where do I start. A lot of this comes from, again, GRRM’s ability to create GREAT characters (who doesn’t love Jon Snow?!), but his only-the-most-basic plot abilities. Not that something has to have the most ~creative~ twist to be good, but I have always felt that GRRM’s plot is really quite simple and leans on sensation to be really interesting (which is why the show is known for shockers like Ned Stark, the Red Wedding, etc., and also why r*pe is so prevalent – the shock value (which is unbelievably gross that both D&D and GRRM think it’s okay to portray women/treatment of women this way for the sake of the plot!)). So D&D are already working with an imperfect product whose plot is not super strong, and whose draw is in the characters. Is the show’s character development solid? No, not in my opinion. Granted, it’s a show, not a book. But so many narrative decisions do not make sense for the characters. Fans of the show hhhate the Dorne plot from season (five?) – because we were so suddenly expected to care about these characters. If they had been introduced a season or two before and portrayed as a growing threat, it would have been so much more emotionally satisfying to see that come to fruition. There’s a specific r*pe scene in season 5 given to one character on the show but another in the books, and this was done to get the show character to a certain geographic place, but which made little sense for that character’s emotional journey (she’d already endured enough goddammit! can you tell she’s one of my favorites). I think it was kind of shoehorned in to get her from point A to B to that scene and then to C, but IMHO she could have gone straight from A to C and it would have been the same emotional journey and not been degrading and unnecessarily violent. Argh. That whole thing was infurating AF. Cersei Lannister’s entire characterization feels like it’s been reduced to “wiiiine!!1!” which is very much throwing out everything that makes her remotely interesting and not a completely flat villain. Tyrion is so confusing – none of his decisions ever fall in line with the way he’s been acting for the previous five episodes, which tells me they just make him say whatever and use him to get the plot where it needs to go. Shoddy writing. And in case you wanted a romantic first kiss between two particular characters who only recently met each other…HAHA NOPE you don’t get to see that, it’s all about the s*x. Because you know, who wants to know if these two actually care about each other. OH! And I know that the Stark sisters vs. LF plot turned out fine in the end, but good heck I hate that they made women pick on each other for being different, even if it was a ruse. And not everyone cares about an hour of battle footage, no matter how sexy a muddy Kit Harington is.
TL;DR: they’re bad at the big picture, they don’t take their own previous decisions into account, they don’t think about the emotions as much as they think about the Emmys, and I need a life. LOL. But thanks for indulging me!
Mrs. Jones
If you’re going to binge, skip season 5, except the first and last episodes.
Walnut
I watched GOT with captions on and it helped hold my interest long enough to get engaged in the plot.
Anonymous
In my imagination, it will come out censored on broadcast someday and I’ll watch it then (I assume this literally never happens for HBO shows though!).
Anon
If you want to follow the plot, you need to start from the beginning.
anonshmanon
You could just read the episode description on Wikipedia.
Idea
The books are good, less s 3 x than the book but more violent.
I don’t mind the s3x but the violence gets really graphic.
You can’t fast-forward through the copulation scenes because they talk a lot and there’s a lot of exposition during those scenes.
There is less copulation in the later seasons, if that helps.
RR
I never watched it until about a year ago, watched the first episode, and was hooked. My advice would be to watch the first episode and see if you want to watch more. If you watch several episodes and aren’t hooked, move on. I wouldn’t jump around though. There are a lot of important details in every episode.
There definitely is gratuitous sex/violence, but overall I really love the character depth–no one is entirely good or evil, and some of the characters have incredibly compelling arcs. I also think that the female characters, both good and evil, are generally very strong.
Anonymous
LOL, there are some characters that I think are actually 100% evil
Long distance relationship help?
Asking for the hive’s help with navigating long distance relationships:
I’m in my early 30s, SO is in late 30s; SO is moving to a different market with 2 hours’ time difference (and a 6 hour flight) away.
We are both busy professionals working 60+ hours/week regularly, but have managed to see each other 2-3 times a week including most Saturdays and Sundays in the past 1.5 years we’ve been together (currently we work/live 2 hours’ drive away from each other with a Big City in midpoint, where we spend a lot of our time), but I’m not sure how we can make if work with the distance.
We haven’t talked specifically about plans for marriage or family up to this point, except in a hypothetical sense, as neither of us are in a rush (as in, we both want to have a family and be a bit more settled in 5 years, and are dating with the potential in mind — I’ve conveyed that I’m not dating with the goal of getting married by X age or for the sake of getting married in itself, but I also don’t want to be in a relationship with an expiration date as I would hopefully like to have kids at some point).
The situation is further complicated by the fact that I may also be moving further away to a different continent for a (short) grad degree in a couple of years, but will graduate a more marketable degree that may open doors for potential relocation in adjacent roles. The market he is moving to isn’t necessarily “hot” for my industry, but generally offers better office culture / lifestyle for less pay (and I’m at a point where I am burnt out and upward mobility has topped out at my current market, so I’m open to trying something new). Our current location is where we’d both like to be, but opportunities for SO are better in the new market and current location isn’t entirely conducive to raising kids (we have some family, but very misogynistic/racist schools and society at large — we are an interracial couple) which also might be a factor later on (but I’m putting the cattle before the horse here). All this is to say there are pros and cons to, and some flexibility in terms of, where we might end up after my grad studies (I’ve made it abundantly clear that I want to work and it’s difficult for me to be a trailing spouse over several moves due to the nature of my industry)
It’s the first serious relationship both of us have had in a loooong time (after several years of nonstarters on online dating) and I’d really like to see where it goes.
TL;DR: What are your tips for a successful long-distance relationship? Shared goals, timelines, habits, communication methods that we should work on before we are separated by distance? Am I overthinking the challenges/pitfalls of the situation? Any recommendations for other resources (books, articles…) would be appreciated too!
OP
**cart before the horse. Ugh, need coffee!
Anonymous
Honestly this doesn’t sound like a serious relationship to me at all. After 1.5 years you didn’t discuss his move and how you’d handle it ahead of time? You’re maybe going to a different continent for a while and might be able to move where he is years in the future? Break up. You don’t care enough about each other or this relationship to make it work.
OP
I’m still a bit confused about how to define a “serious” relationship — we were both late bloomers in dating / relationships and kind of bumbling our way through the whole thing (and okay maybe sticking our head in the sand about the potential move), and this is pretty much the only relationship where we (or at least, I) have even discussed the hypotheticals of the “if and when we decide to get married”kind.
TBH we’ve discussed the “what might happen if we move” in a hypothetical way that explores our possibilities for getting together at SO’s new market (reasonably feasible for me after grad school although probably with a pay cut from current $200K comp) or Current Place (harder if SO moves out of Current Place and probably not advantageous for SO’s career long-term, but not impossible), because my grad school plans were already in plan way before I met SO (but most likely I would have moved back to Current Place in the absence of SO just because I already have my current job here and it’s easy). But we haven’t made much progress on the actual logistics of long distance dating and/or what kind of things we need to be on the same page with (see above re: bumbling through, and also it was a very unexpected and sudden opportunity that arose for SO).
Advice appreciated on what we need to talk through to figure out the sitiation though, including whether we do indeed need to break up.
Anon
I guess my very brutal two cents is that if your SO took this sudden opportunity 6 hours away, without making any kind of commitment to you, asking you to follow him, or reassuring you that he’s committed to moving to your location in X years, he doesn’t see a long-term future together. He didn’t have to take this job, and he certainly didn’t have to take it without making it crystal clear to you that this was temporary and he was committed to rejoining you by X date.
Anonymous
Sorry, but this. He’s just not that into you, and very honestly, you don’t seem that into him. You have painstakingly enumerated the eight million career-related and distance-related factors between you and him making a long-term commitment. From my own experience, and what I have observed with others, when two people really want to be together they find ways to make the barriers disappear. They don’t keep putting more and more obstacles in between themselves and commitment. You have dated this guy but it’s obvious your career is more important to you, which is fine. His career seems more important to him than you do. I think (and your boyfriend may think this too, and just doesn’t want to say it) the move is a good opportunity to make a clean break and find someone you are genuinely enthusiastic about and who is into you enough to have a meaningful conversation with you about the future that includes firm plans and some level of commitment. If he’s in his late 30s and is not having that conversation with you – you are not his “one,” sorry.
Anon
+1.
We had only been dating for two months when my now-husband had an opportunity to transfer to a different (out of state) office. I was surprised how much stock he put in my feelings because we were still so new, but a decision had to be made right then and our relationship/I was important to him and he wanted me to know that. I was 35 at the time and my husband was 39, and we both had been married before. So yes, I’ll echo the other posters and say that unfortunately there’s no future with this fellow.
Anon
At your age, a serious relationship is one in which both people have serious discussions about marriage, and make concrete steps to move towards marriage (or promptly break up.)
From the outside, this looks like a nice relationship that would be worth staying in if you were 22. But in your 30s, you wouldn’t go wrong by dumping him tonight. If you want kids, understand that your ovaries do not care if you are a late bloomer or this job just fell into his lap. You’re in your 30s and want kids, so you need a timeline for that.
Trust me, the right man will not mess around with the last few years of fertility.
Anon
Blunt, but 100% accurate.
Anon
My husband and I were long distance for three years early in our relationship. My blunt advice is that after 1.5 years of dating (especially in your 30s) you should know if this relationship is permanent. If it’s not, this might be a natural point at which to go your separate ways with no ill will. If you both feel this is permanent, I really think you have to try to commit to a date by which you’re going to be in the same place. Your plans are very up in the air and it sounds like you could potentially be living apart indefinitely. Unless you’re ok with that (and potentially having kids while living apart?) you need to figure out more of a detailed plan for how you’re eventually going to get back to the same place.
Other tips: 1) set up the last visit before the current visit ends, so you always have plans to see each other; 2) to the extent that your work schedules are flexible, try to work more when you’re apart so you can focus on quality time when you’re together; 3) don’t give up your independent lives, hobbies, friends, etc. I’ve seen so many long distance relationships implode because one partner was making friends and living life and the other partner was just always sitting by the phone waiting for his/her long distance partner to call.
Anonymous
Make a plan to fly to each others’ cities maybe 1x/month each or once every other month each or whatever is affordable and doable with work. But honestly put an end limit on it. Maybe agree to do that until you’re done grad school and then after that one/both of you must be willing to move if there is to be a future together. Because you say you’re in no rush but also say you’re early 30s and want kids — so it’s fine to live this way for another 1-2 years but then you need to think about same city and marriage because otherwise you can easily end up in this commuter situation for the next 7 years and then you look up and are 39 and suddenly it’s a mad rush and also at that point you’re both so entrenched in your own cities and careers that it’s possible neither wants to move.
Anon
With two people in their thirties who have been dating for 1.5 years, when someone moves a six hour plane ride away, you either 1) make plans for a permanent future or 2) break up. This does not sound at all like either of you are planning around the other… I think you’re going to break up.
Senior Attorney
I tend to agree with this.
Anonymous
If you aren’t in a rush, are you also going to be OK starting from scratch in 2 years? Or whenever you’re done with school which is when you should fish or cut bait. Like one of you will need to move to be by the other and you should be getting married. But if neither would do that (and you haven’t done that to this point), it’s just a nice crutch that is preventing you from being in the next relationship.
Anon
Here is the one and only thing you need to know about long distance relationships: Long distance doesn’t work unless you have a set end date to the long distance part that you both agree to. Ask me how I know.
All the other stuff is minor compared to that and you can figure it out as you go.
Never too many shoes...
So much this.
My husband and I were on two different continents when we fell hard for each other. We were together for less than two months when we had the discussion about whether one of us was willing to move to the other’s country in the future, because otherwise there was no point in moving forward at all.
I am sorry to say, OP, that after 1.5 years together the fact that he took this job without (it seems from your post) a detailed discussion with you about the future in advance of accepting it, speaks volumes about your relationship. I think this is a natural concluding point for you to move on, separately.
Anonymous
I am guessing you are asking strangers on the internet because you are looking for the kind of raw honesty that we can provide. That honesty is, you need to break up. This guy doesn’t want to marry you. You’re both in your 30s (well into in his case) and you’ve been dating for 1.5 years and spending every weekend together. He is moving 6 hours away, that is the wrong direction. It also doesn’t sound like you’re all that keen either. You say you want marriage and kids someday, but you are only planning for career and education. That is okay, but you need to be honest with yourself about what you want.
If you are serious in wanting, marriage and kids, you need to make it a priority. It is pretty hard to get pregnant when you are not in the same time zone as your partner.
Short Sundress Fan
I am 5’2″ and somewhat curvy…but I don’t think I could be classified as “petite”. As the weather is warming up, I’m dying at all these cute dresses I am seeing – I live in sundresses and the like all spring/summer. I prefer them over shorts.
The midi-length trend is big again this year. I feel like when I try one of those dresses on, it hits me mid-calf or lower and looks odd. That is ruling out a lot of dresses I am liking.
I am thinking of buying some of the dresses I like and having them hemmed to the appropriate length. Obviously, that seems like the most logical thing to do…has anyone else done this? I think I’m worried that doing that will throw off the overall proportion of the dress? I am probably overthinking this.
Short Sundress Fan
For example, here is one I love right now. There is a Petite option that could work:
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_special_sizes/petite/dresses/petite-point-sur-fluttersleeve-midi-dress-in-ratti-print-cotton-voile/L2563?color_name=eva-ikat-ivory-copper
Lana Del Raygun
In general I think it will work if the bodice is the right length, but this specific dress would look weird if the bottom tier were shortened.
Anonymous
That’s a great dress. Hemming will work on a lot of dresses, but you’re right — it would throw off the proportions of this one, because of the tiered skirt. Ideally, if you were altering the length on a skirt like this, you’d shorten each tier, to keep the proportions looking right.
Anonymous
Well, you are petite so yes, try that as a start! I often get casual dresses hemmed and think it looks great!
anon
I am 5’2″, and almost everything I buy is petite size. Hemming dresses does not work because the cut of the clothing needs to be shorter for my chest, waist, and hips to be in the correct place in the dress. I’m not a small (size 14-16), but I still need petite because of my height. It does rule out a lot of clothes I like.
If you find a dress that fits through the torso, you’d probably be fine hemming an inch or two of most dresses. I wouldn’t in the specific one you linked, though, because of the trim and ruffles create tiers that seem to get longer as it moves down, and it would throw things off if the last tier were shorter instead of longer than the one above it.
Anonymous
Yep this is me. I need the distance from the shoulder to the waist to be shorter. You can get it tailored, but I don’t necessarily want to spend the effort, time, and money to tailor every sun dress I buy. Also as you mention you can’t necessarily hem a dress with details at the bottom, it would have to be taken up at the waist which is an expensive fix.
Idea
An easy alteration to make is lifting the shoulders of dresses. By “easy” I mean, for a professional.
Anonymous
Petite clothing is designed for women shorter than 5’4″, so you ought to be a petite. Unless you are long-waisted?
Anon
You’re 5’2, you’re petite, that’s why the the length looks odd!
Anonymous
Well, she’s short. Not everyone who is 5’2″ has petite dimensions.
Anon
Petite in fashion means short. It’s not a euphemism for thin or dainty. If you are 5’2″ you are petite as far as clothing goes.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
This is just inaccurate. I am 5’3″ and petite. I have a friend who is 5’2″ and does not fit in petite clothing.
Petite clothing is cut with a shorter torso and shorter arms. This is great for me. It doesn’t fit my friend who has a long torso, broad shoulders, and long arms. She’s shaped like a tall person, just miniature. I have a large hat size, but she has a small hat size: she’s just small. She doesn’t have petite proportions. We never fit in the same things.
Anon
Having a “long torso, broad shoulders, and long arms” is not synonymous with being “shaped like a tall person.” I’m tall and have very long legs, a short torso and narrow shoulders. People of every height come in all shapes and sizes, and not all clothing will fit any one person well, regardless of how it’s labeled. But generally the definition of petite in women’s fashion is that it’s made for women 5’3″ or shorter, just like “tall”is generally made for women over 5’8”. If you are 5’2″/5’3″ you’re right on the cusp of petite and it makes sense that petite sizes might work better for some things, and regular sizes might work better for other things, based on your individual body proportions.
Anonymous
People come in all shapes and sizes, but garments don’t really. Petite cut clothes are cut for a specific body type in addition to a height that often but not always corresponds.
Sadie
Actually petite doesn’t just mean short. Pants that come in T, R, S – the short ones are cut just like the regular only SHORTER. However, the entire garment is proportioned differently in petites. The rise on pants is different, the proportions of arms/legs is different, the shoulder dimensions are different.
I am 5’2″ and I have to size up 2 sizes for petite shirts. I can’t wear petites pants at all, the proportions are totally wrong. I have to buy regular and have everything hemmed.
Anon
What are your proportions like? Have you got longer legs, longer seat or longer waist, on your frame? You might easily be a petite size for either your bottom or top, but not both, it’s very possible that you have a “regular” top half and petite bottom half, for example.
I am 5 f 6 (which is average where I live, but quite tall elsewhere), but I often buy petite tops and blazers, because I have a short waist. The natural waist in petite sizes is more correctly placed for me, but nobody would look at me and think I’m petite – I’m not! But if I wear a regular size blazer, it looks as if I’ve borrowed clothes from somebody else.
Based on how you describe your dilemma, you might be regular length on top, and petite on the bottom. Hemming dresses would then be an excellent way to make sure that the proportions of the dress end up as the designer intended, visually – don’t be afraid to change the length!
K
I’m a law student graduating in a few weeks with a biglaw associate position lined up. I was able to make it through the first few years of law school without taking on any debt, but find myself needing some sort of loan now just to make ends meet until the job starts in the fall. (I’m thinking about $8-$10K should get me through to my start date.) A few months ago I wavered between taking out a student loan or a no-interest credit card and I ultimately opted for the latter.
I have full faith I can pay down the entire balance with my future salary before the interest rate kicks in, but I wanted to ask here – does this seem like the smarter financial move? Should I take out a student loan while I still can, pay down what I’ve already put on the card and just pay some student interest like everyone else? I have good credit and $10K isn’t a large fraction of my total credit line. All things being equal, I’d really rather avoid the interest. I just worry student loan debt is somehow “better” debt. (I’m married, if that makes any difference, and we have some savings I could dip into to pay it off in an absolute emergency.)
Cat
Just to check, does your firm offer any assistance in this regard? It’s been awhile, but I think my old firm provided a stipend to incoming associates (adjusted for inflation, it probably was about $9-10K) in late spring for just this reason — to pay for Barbri and a few months of living expenses.
BabyAssociate
+1 I think many firms will either offer a stipend or will let you take an advance on your salary.
JazzyRose
This is what bar loans are for.
Anonymous
Do firms no longer do 0% cash advances to get incoming first years through the summer until jobs start in Sept/Oct? That used to be a thing — also what people used to fund fancy post bar trips. Though I’m pretty sure you couldn’t get it in March — it was more like May/June at the earliest and definitely post graduation. But if that isn’t an option, no interest is obviously financially better than any interest — so a CC knowing you’ll pay it off before interest kicks in is better than a 6-8% SL.
anon
To me, it seems like a fine financial move because you have a biglaw position lined up, you have an emergency fund, and you have more credit. Student loans are considered “good” debt because they’re an investment in your education/career, and there are also some advantages to certain types of student loans. But you’re borrowing $10K to pay expenses for a few months, and you’re confident you’ll be able to pay it back before any interest accrues (and you have an emergency fund to cover it if you have to). Also, paying back this loan shouldn’t keep you from maxing out retirement savings in your first year with a biglaw salary.
It wouldn’t be terrible to get the student loan either. If you were motivated to pay it off within the first 6-12 months of starting your job, you wouldn’t pay that much in interest overall. (I’m not sure what student loan interest rates are right now.) It’s less risky because if you can’t pay it off for some reason, the interest rate on the student loan is lower than the credit card interest rate, and you wouldn’t have to dip into your emergency savings to pay off the loan or avoid credit card interest.
Anon
This is well-rounded advice. Also keep in mind that if the legal market collapses (looking at you, 2009) and you get a job paying less than half of your biglaw job you can probably put your student loans in forbearance (no payments required) without a hit to your credit (being married might impact your ability to do so). That feature of student loans has saved my a** twice in the 12 years since I graduated law school and started at a biglaw firm.
Anon
I’d check with your firm. A lot of big law firms will advance you money for this and take it out of your paycheck when you start.
I would also reach out to banks directly to see if you could get a lower interest rate than the current federal loans.
Anon
Omg, no, do not contact your firm! Also, (I am the Anon above) federal student loans have protections in place that standard unsecured personal loans don’t.
Anon
Why do you say don’t contact your firm? Many/most Big Law firms have loans for this exact purpose. You an ask an HR or payroll person, you don’t need to ask a senior partner.
Anon
Why would you say do not contact your firm? I have worked at 2 biglaw firms and have friends at at least a dozen more and this would not be inappropriate at any of them. She should contact recruiting, HR, payroll not a partner.
Re federal loans, yes they come with protections but her post was focused on interest rates. Since she said she could tap into emergency funds to pay down I think it was worth mentioning that there are options that don’t have federal protections and offer a lower rate than federal loans.
Anon
I stand corrected—that is not something I had ever heard of but it appears to be a thing! Totally makes sense that it is but the Bar Loan was my only option in this situation.
Anonymous
Take out the student loan and pay off the outstanding credit card balance. 6 months of student loan interest on the balances you’re describing is insignificant in comparison to the risk that you aren’t able to start your biglaw job for some reason.
Lucy Dobbs
Recommendations for places for tourists to eat in:
North End Boston
Portsmouth, NH
Burlington, VT
(Or places on the way to any of these places)
Thanks!!
Anonymous
If you don’t get enough answers here, you might try searching Chowhound for a recent thread (or posting there).
Anon
North End boston – the lobster roll at Neptune Oyster is my favorite in the city. Mike’s is the most well known dessert place, but my favorite is the cannoli florentine from Bova.
Anonymous
North End Boston: I like Parla (small, sort of Prohibition themed, great cocktails), Neptune Oyster (may have to wait a while to get in but ALL TIME BEST lobster roll), Giacomo’s (solid Italian food), Bricco (same), dessert at Vittoria’s (fancy coffee and delicious pastries/tiramisu).
I know Portsmouth has a Row 34 location with a great bar – Row 34 started in Boston (in the Seaport) and has excellent seafood.
Burlington, VT: Hen of the Wood, Zero Gravity Brewery and/or Brewpub (if you like breweries)
North End
Neptune lobster roll is overrated in my opinion (I’ve had it twice) – it’s great if you like very buttery lobster rolls and I prefer light mayo. Vinoteca di Monica is a good place to go that won’t have a massive line, same with the Monica’s trattoria. Italian sub at Monica’s deli is the best I’ve ever had anywhere. Daily Catch is the wonderful if you like seafood and are fine waiting in line. Same with Giacomo’s. Don’t go to Mike’s. Go to Modern.
Get ice cream at Lago’s Lone Oak in Portsmouth.
editrix
In Burlington, Trattoria Delia (full disclosure: son works there), Bluebird Barbecue, Hen of the Wood, and my new favorite, Honey Road.
Anon
This is just generally a question out of curiosity more than anything as a person that has a dog and is going to TTC in the next year… I have seen two social media acquaintances recently that have been trying to rehome a dog after having a baby. I get doing this if the dog was aggressive to the child, but I don’t really think that was the case. Has anyone done this or could explain what would make them need to rehome the dog when they have a baby?
Anonymous
You don’t need one more thing to take care of when you have an infant?
Anon
Then that person was a dumb adult who didn’t anticipate having to take care of more than one thing. If you can’t commit to a dog for its entire life, you’re an irresponsible dog owner, full stop. Honestly, if you take the time to train a dog and get one that fits your lifestyle (something a responsible dog owner would do), they just aren’t that hard to take care of, especially if you have a spouse doing walks – can you really not roll a ball over and over with your toe while you breastfeed?
Anonymous
Well, yes aggression is one and you have no idea if that was the case. Allergies is a big one. And time. I know it’s popular to be all “dogs are a lifetime commitment you’re trash if you get rid of one” but no one really knows what life is like post baby, and if you just can’t make it work with a dog I think it’s much better to try to rehome than not be able to give the dog the attention it needs.
Anonymous
When do you walk your dog now? In the morning? When you get home? Try not doing it when needed b/c you have a screaming human who needs to be fed (like every 2-3 hours). Just delay it 30 minutes — bad idea, right? But this is live now 24/7. Even if the dog isn’t aggressive (and you may never know right away), it’s hard. And you’ll never leave the dog alone with your baby, b/c you don’t want to find out the hard way. And our schedule is chaos even with school-aged kids in the evening.
I would gladly take a dog for a year from a couple with a first baby b/c I get it. I have kids who help with pet-sitting but we as a family are not going to be dog-responsible until middle-school when we also get a nanny.
I’ve only seen babies work well with older dogs and two parents who are flexible (so if one is on a 50% travel schedule, yikes).
Anonymous
We had to rehome a dog after we had our baby. Within the first few days after we brought the dog home it was apparent that we’d made a mistake and the dog was a terrible match, but out of guilt we tried to make the situation work. Before we had our child, we poured a ton of time and money into futile attempts to deal with the dog’s clinginess, aggression, destructiveness, and disruptive behavior, but once we had a baby in the house we just couldn’t live with the risk. Perhaps something similar happened with your friends?
Anon
My guess is that it becomes overwhelming. But, it makes me so sad that people don’t figure this out before they get the dog (obviously there will be outlier circumstances).
Anonymous
Well, they can’t give away the baby. I’d gladly take an older dog in this situation. I might even just foster it for a while until they catch their breath. Maybe there are kennels that could do 30- or 60- day boarding?
Anon
You say you “really don’t think that was the case,” but do you know that? I have had a handful of friends forced to rehome the dog after the baby came, and every single one of them said the dog’s behavior was a safety concern for the baby. Snarling, growling, viewing the baby as a rival. I don’t think you have any grounds to say that wasn’t the case, unless they told you so.
Anonymous
+1
It might be that nothing happened yet, but something about dog + baby made them uneasy. Parents to go sleep (sort of!) and can’t watch a situation 24/7. It just takes a moment. I know a woman at our daycare who had to take her infant to a plastic surgeon for a bite on her face.
If you think that something might happen (doggie, nanny, etc.), you don’t need to wait for it to happen to act. Some dogs just really need to be elsewhere / on a farm / with people who can deal with their needs.
mascot
It can be really overwhelming keeping everyone happy and safe. We went through at least year where my kid and one of my dogs were never left alone together in a room unless one of them was contained. So even if I stepped out to go to the bathroom or grab something from the other room, someone came with me since neither of them were trustworthy. We are way past that now and I am so glad we have had dogs in my child’s life since day one, but yeah, it isn’t always easy.
Anon
Sometimes the baby affects the dog in unexpected ways. I have a friend who had to rehome one of their two dogs because while the dog wasn’t aggressive to baby, he became extremely aggressive to the other dog any time they were giving the other dog attention. I have another friend whose baby was allergic to their dog (really horrible rashes) so they had to rehome. A friend of a friend had a dog that would jump into all the baby’s stuff and they were nervous he’d do it when the baby was In there. It’s also possible that the dog showed the slightest bit of aggression, not enough that they’d mention it to you but enough to make protective first time parents nervous and not want to risk it.
Anonymous
Allergies are a common one, sadly.
“We failed to train our dog not to jump into the baby’s stuff” probably qualifies as “just overwhelmed.”
Anon
I agree although I think this one is hard. If your dog doesn’t take to training before the baby arrives I’m not sure what else you do even if you spent several months working on it.
Anon
I think aggression is more common than you think. We have a rescue dog who was the sweetest, most loving pup when it was just her and two adults, but has been pretty aggressive to our baby (growling at her, etc) even when the baby isn’t trying to interact with her. If it were up to me alone, we would rehome her to my parents, whom she knows well and who would take great care of her. My husband refuses to hear of it though, so we just keep them separate as much as possible and hope that the dog will eventually adjust. It’s stressful and I have a lot more empathy for people who rehome dogs now.
Abby
We’re a few years out from TTC, but I’m very nervous about our dog + baby when it happens. She was also a rescue and isn’t good with little kids. She’s met one baby and was very well behaved, so I’m hoping she’ll get used to our baby by the time they’re a toddler. Good luck, I feel for you!
Anon
+1 we are waiting to get a dog until we are done having kids for this reason.
Idea
Not exactly what you’re asking, but I have friends who had a cat, then a baby. Then, very closely and unexpectedly, another baby. The cat was DEFINITELY overwhelmed and out-of-sorts and actually started going to the bathroom on the new baby’s crib. Definitely an aggressive move. At that point they “re-homed” the cat. I think this used to called giving the cat away?
Anon
OP– Yes this is kind of what I was asking. I grew up with cats, so I’m used to the idea of a cat freaking out for some reason and starting to pee everywhere. We had to “rehome” one of our cats growing up for that reason.
And yes– I was asking because I did not grow up with dogs and have not had a dog for that long. I did not really think or know that otherwise fine dogs could start being aggressive to a baby. My comment about the not being aggressive is that these dogs were at least not known in our friend group as dogs that had problems. Like, I have friends whose dogs are aggressive, and they are generally not allowed to bring their dogs to anyone’s houses with children. The one dog I am thinking of in particular did not (that I know of) have a record of aggression pre-baby.
Anon
My dog was very protective of my baby but also bit her twice. I don’t know why. He was very well trained – puppy school and AKC obedience school. He went to a friend’s home and lived out the remaining year of his life child free and with another dog. It was really puppy heaven for him, and the right choice that we took too long to make, because we loved him, and because we felt guilty.
Walnut
I’ll be honest- my dog is lowest on my priority list. He doesn’t get the frequency or quality of the walks/attention he’d prefer and would probably have a better quality of life in someone else’s home.
KeepTheDogs-SellTheHorse
We thought about rehoming our dogs, but didn’t pull the trigger. Our dogs were our babies before our real baby arrived. Now, they’re just dogs. They’re obligations. They’re annoying. But we know we “made a commitment for life” so we’re just riding it out for a few more years before they succumb to old age and we become a dogless household for a very, very long time. Morbid, but reality. However, I can’t identify what it is that made my dogs a “lifetime commitment” when selling my horse is considered just fine (profitable, even!) with the greater commenting populace of the internet.
Anon
The vast majority of dogs and cats are pets and have no monetary value. Dumping/”rehoming” because of training or health issues often ends in poor outcomes for the animal.
A healthy, trained, rideable horse has value and generally has pretty good odds.
Dumping a pasture pet, horse with health issues or horse that an owner never got around to training is just as bad as dumping a dog. At least have the decency in both cases to put the animal down in its familiar environment and not among strangers.
Anonymous
Germophobes — if someone has mentioned they were sick, would you avoid an outing with them? For how long? This isn’t a person at work but a friend coming into town. Or would you not even think twice because it’s a friend who you presume is responsible, you see her 1-2x/yr max etc. Talk some sense into me here.
Anon
*Were* sick? No, I would not avoid just because they had an illness last week, that’s silly. If they currently are sick with a cold or something like that, I would probably still go but definitely avoid sharing food/drink, be careful not to touch my nose/mouth and wash my hands thoroughly when I got home. If they currently have the flu, I’d cancel but I bet they would too so it’s kind of moot.
Anon
Do you have any special health conditions? If not, and you have no reason to think that your friend is bad about not covering a cough or washing hands, I would not avoid an outing with them. We have immune systems. You have probably come into contact with someone who is contagious and didn’t know or didn’t tell you within the past couple of weeks.
Anonymous
This. Often this stuff becomes an issue because you are told about it by friends in conversation; whereas it’s possible that Joe who you shook hands with and sat next to all day at the conference yesterday was under the weather last week, he just didn’t mention it so you didn’t worry about it.
BeenThatGuy
I’m not a germophobe but I am immunocompromised. If they had a recent cold, I would spend time with them. But I’d be cautious (hand washing, not touching my face, not sharing food/drink). If it were anything more than a cold, I’d take a rain check.
Judging good fit?
How do you decide if a piece of clothing is fitted or is just too tight? I’ve always worn looser more casual clothes, but recently, in an attempt to look more polished, I got a pair of black ankle pants from Theory. They feel tight, but my husband says they look good and that’s just what clothes that fit feel like. We’ve had the same conversation about a couple of sweaters and blazers I’ve recently tried on too. I have a job where I am bending, sitting on the ground, lifting and carrying so range of movement is important for what I wear, which is why I used to opt for loser clothes. The Theory pants felt tight, but had enough stretch that I could still do all the lifting and bending that I needed without feeling like they were going to split. So now I’m wondering if my barometer of “too tight” might be off?
I’m sure it is also a matter of personal preference/ workplace dress code too, but what is your personal bar for something being too tight vs. fitted and polished?
anon
2 things. 1 is that if you’re trying to balance fitted with not feeling tight, you could try stretchier fabrics. Like the MM foster pants for example. 2 is that if your pants are too tight, you’ll have lines/creases where it’s pulling. Are your pants creasing like they’re “smiling” across the front? do you have issues with them “whiskering”? Then they’re too tight. Wear things that are comfortable for you, though, which to me is leading me back to point #1.
Lana Del Raygun
My rule of thumb is that work pants should skim the body but not hug it, although I confess I frequently flex this “rule” because I’m just not patient enough to keep trying on different pants.
C
I see if how the clothing fits me aligns with how it was made to fit. For pants, and kind of bunching or wrinking at the cr0tch is a red flag they aren’t fitting correctly, even if I can get them on without any trouble. For everything else, check seams when you move around to see if the seams lay flat or if they look like they’re stretching. For knits especially, see if the lines in the fabric are straight or if they’re stretching out. You shouldn’t feel constrained by your clothes and your clothes shouldn’t require lots of adjustment throughout the day.
There’s also a personal level of comfort here. If the pants feel tighter than you’re comfortable wearing to work, even if they’re fitting the way they’re supposed to, you’re can try different cuts and styles of pants until you find a happy medium between tight, fitted, and loose.
Anonymous
If it lays flat, it fits and is fitted. If it wrinkles, pulls, and won’t lay fat, its too tight. Examples: pants shouldn’t be wrinkling and pulling in the stomach. They should lie flat. Side pockets shouldn’t gape. Shirts shouldn’t pull/wrinkle across the back.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a recommendation for a professional resume consultant in downtown Chicago?
Original Moonstone
Not downtown, but Andersonville: http://www.aaatargeted.com/ The owner will work with you to improve your materials.
Unemployment Woes
I have (finally) figured out that my long-term unemployed husband was not doing everything he could to find a job. In short, he was only applying for “stretch” jobs. I was not informed of this strategy until nearly a year into the unemployment. I am livid. I would never agreed, although I would have agreed to getting an easy to get job and applying to stretch jobs on the side. He has had other long-term unemployment, and I also wonder if this was the strategy he was using then. He has solid credentials and it made zero sense to me he had such a hard time finding a job.
I feel deceived, lied to, and humiliated. I don’t feel like we’re a team. I feel cheated out of money – when he does work, he works in a high paying field. He did this while we had significant student debt and are saving to buy a home. I also work in a high paying field with long arduous hours – I feel taken advantage of. On the flip side, I have told him if there is something else he wants to do (teach? skydiving instructor?) that is low paying, that is totally fine – he just has to do something, and we can plan for that, so it is not all about the money. He can’t come up with anything.
I know the answer is going to be therapy, but what on earth? I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore about anything. All I wanted was a simple life – go to work, come home, enjoy evenings/weekends, and retire relatively early. He said he wanted those things too, but his actions don’t match up. He is adding years to our working years, and creating unnecessary stress – I’d rather be at work than at home. Help.
Anon
Sounds like your husband likes being unemployed so he applies only for jobs he’s not going to get. I’d be livid. I don’t blame you at all. Now is the time for an ultimatium – you get a job making x by y date or we are splitting up.
Never too many shoes...
Based on your comments, I feel like a short course of therapy and, if your priorities do not align, divorce.
Sorry, OP, you must feel beyond betrayed.
Lana Del Raygun
Yes, therapy/counseling. You have every right to be angry, but I think it would help to approach therapy with as open a mind as you can, especially since it sounds like you might not have talked about *why* he’s been doing this. To me, this sounds like an anxiety thing (only apply to stretch jobs so then you can say “oh that one was a stretch anyway, but if I’d applied to something in range they would have hired me” and don’t have to face the fear that you’ll get rejected from something realistic). Not that he wouldn’t need to stop if it were anxiety (or some other issue a therapist might spot), but you might feel more sympathetic and (maybe more pertinently) it would point both of you to more effective strategies. Hugs to you.
Anon
Big hugs. I’m so sorry. I would also be livid. Definitely therapy to figure out if there is something going on that you don’t appreciate now and can work through. And if not, divorce. I
I’m not normally one for ultimatums but it feels appropriate here to make one regarding his employment. I also think you are well within your rights to leave if you don’t want to work through this
Anon
Forgot to add, I’d suggest reaching out to a divorce lawyer now to see what you need to do to get your finances straight if you go that route. Depending on the state you might owe alimony and that’s worth knowing. It’s also worth knowing that you may want to avoid doing things like increasing your pay by working a bunch of overtime or something.
Anon
Oh, I get you. I just had a fight with my partner about similar stuff last night, although he’s only 6 weeks into unemployment and has a six month severance package. I can’t imagine what I’d be feeling in your shoes.
Do have a sense of what’s underlying it? I think, for my partner, it’s not that he’s trying to take advantage; it’s a self-sabotaging defense mechanism. If he only applies for “perfect” jobs, then he avoids the negative emotions that come with rejection from jobs that he’s actually 100% qualified for.
Anon
And to follow up: yes, therapy, but really it might be individual therapy that your husband needs. This isn’t really a miscommunication problem at heart.
Anon
And in fairness to my partner – we did agree that he would start by applying to “perfect” jobs, and apply more widely if a few months go by and he doesn’t start getting traction. I just didn’t realize quite how narrow his definition of “perfect” would be.
Anonymous
How did this come out? When you ask why he does this, what’s the response?
OP
OP here – thanks for the responses. It is good to know I am not completely overreacting.
This came out because I just couldn’t believe the problems he was having finding work – I just knew something was off. We live in a very very large city, and he went to a one of the best schools in our city for a professional school and has a ton of relevant work experience to the jobs I thought he was looking for. None of this was making any sense. I called him out on it, and he told me how he approached his job search.
I have asked him WHY. He said he is trying to find something “better” for the longer term, but that just does not justify such prolonged unemployment particularly given what he could be earning! He could look for the “perfect” thing while employed. But more importantly, he should have talked to me about this. Particularly since we have had to put large financial goals on hold, like buying a home and paying off student loans, because of his unemployment. I literally have an entire down payment for a home in a HCOL sitting in a money market account, but don’t want to pull the trigger until he has a job even though I technically could. I would also love to take a short vacation. I am also driving a 25 year old car with mechanical problems and have put off buying a car too, even though I really need one for my commute. I don’t want to have to tap into savings – I don’t want us set back even more. His lack of concern for our financial goals is very alarming, as is his secrecy about it.
Anon
Ugh I’m so so sorry. I think couples therapy might help you figure out if you have a misalignment of values/goals, which it sounds like you may.
Maybe to put this in more concrete terms, you could each write a plan for the next 25-30 years with the goals and what steps you plan to take to get there and compare notes. It sounds like you are not at all on the same page. Which is super frustrating since it sounds like you’d previously thought you were. Hugs
Anonymous
I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband of 25 years has been unemployed for over a year. He decided to go back to school and completely change careers after having a good job for years. He tells me some days, “so and so” told me about a job awhile back that I could have gotten, but I did’t want it. I want to focus on school. This has happened more than once.
We have two kids and a mortgage. I also feel taken advantage of and betrayed. He has had a short term consulting gig recently but that is it. I am exhausted trying to carry the job and kid load myself while he completely focuses on school.
I think he has some underlying issues that need therapy and have told him this. He agrees but has done nothing about it. Work is my refuge and I hate that. I don’t have any answers about how to trust again. I don’t want to throw away years of marriage but I think the only answer is to set a date for things to change and if he does not change or get therapy by that date then I may have to be done.