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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Sleeveless Sheath Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Adrianna Papell Sleeveless Sheath DressThere are a ton of cute sheath dresses out right now (Ann Taylor in particular has a number, all currently part of the 40% off sitewide sale — if the prices/inventory hold for another day that's likely where tomorrow's TPS report is coming from!). For TODAY, though: I'm loving this simple black sheath dress — love those princess seams and the split round neck, as well as the fact that it's lined — do note that it's a pullover style, though. (Hooray for no exposed zippers, I suppose?) It's $129 at Bloomingdale's, available in sizes 4-16. Adrianna Papell Sleeveless Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

295 Comments

  1. Does anyone have Geico for just car insurance, and if so, how do you like them? We just bought our first new car together (our first non-inherted car) and I feel a bit overwhelmed by all the insurance options out there. Reviews and any general tips appreciated!

    1. I have Geico and LOVE them. They beat out USAA in terms of price and coverage for us which I was shocked by.

      We have a 2013 Honda Fit that we bought new last summer. Neither of us have been in an accident or have any negative marks on our driving record. We have a $250 deductible, $30 a day rental car policy and live in Nebraska. Our car insurance is $225 every six months.

      1. No offense, but price alone tells you almost nothing about the quality of an insurer. What you really want to know is how well they’ll be there for you in terms of backing up the coverage you’ve purchased without a lot of hassle when there IS an accident.

    2. If either of you is eligible, I highly recommend USAA insurance.

      1. We have USAA for renters insurance, for valuable property insurance, and for our bank accounts, but for some reason they were $100 more than Geico for our car insurance.I do love USAA though.

        2. Just a thought – USAA sends a refund check every year if they take in more in policy premiums than they pay out in claims. I think mine is usually $50-100. For me I love their customer service and the ease of having everything in one place.

          1. They do? I’ve had USAA since I graduated from college and I’ve never seen one of those checks.

      2. USAA is great. When I totalled my car a few years ago, they gave me two thousand over KBB and didn’t raise my rates (though the fact that my replacement car was older had something to do with that, too.) They’re also just so easy to work with, and the roadside assistance that comes with the auto insurance has been a lifesaver.

      3. USAA has always been cheaper for me, and they are so so helpful and kind on the phone. My husband used to have Commerce and when we got in an accident, we couldn’t even talk to a live person because it was Sunday night (?!?!). You can call USAA any time and a lovely, helpful person will answer.

    3. This is a totally frivolous comment, but that lizard in the Geico ads is so cute, yet I absolutely HATE the accent and this gives me feelings of cognitive dissonance…

      1. That’s because he used to NOT have a British accent and now he does! That threw me way off, although I also think it’s really cute.

    4. We’ve used Geico in the past and been really happy with them. We eventually left for a cheaper option, but my husband did have an accident while on Geico, and we were really impressed with them. (note that it was fairly minor and didn’t involve anything to argue about, so that might not hold for more complicated situations)

    5. We have Erie, we found that they were cheaper than USAA for us. We have home & auto bundled. DH has his motorcycle insured with Geico. I have no idea how that transpired. We do have a credit card with USAA, though. And, have found them to be exceptional in all other aspects of business.

    7. Had GEICO and loved them. LOVED. Switched only because of a family discount at a competitor. Though we’ve run the numbers and honestly are considering switching back to GEICO. They have really great rates and good customer service. I also have been stranded a few times and their operators were primarily concerned with my safety (or at least made me feel that way) . When I was 22 and stuck in the middle of nowhere and had to get in a tow truck with some random man, the fact that I had someone on a phone who knew exactly where I was and was having me give them real time directions where I was headed made me feel like it was money well spent.

    8. Find out how they handle claims and how easily they pick up their defense obligations and when they can drop you. It’s easy to love a cheap company until you need to use your insurance. If you can get usaa, get them.

      1. I work in the industry (though admittedly complex higher-level GL claims with a bit of Homeowners experience for things like environmental contamination) – there’s a few companies which I’ve seen insured having issues with. With the caveat that this is solely my experience only and anecdotal in nature, I’ve seen Liberty Mutual, Cincinnati and some of the smaller local companies act difficult. On the positives, I’ve seen Hartford, Travelers and State Farm usually step up quickly and look at the broader implications of a situation.

        My only concern with Geico relates to Berkshire Hathaway’s interest in the company. If you look at their actions through the Resolute Management entities (companies buying up and managing legacy asbestos liabilities from CNA, OneBeacon, and a number of others), its clear (IMO) that their focus is largely on the float and delaying payments – not on protecting their insureds (or the insureds of the companies they’re assuming liabilities on). They’re slow to move and difficult to get to defend or settle in whole or in part. I think Geico may act differently because of the ongoing business and the insurance regulations, but personally, it was enough to make me avoid the company entirely.

    9. We have them and have had two minor accidents (one each for my husband and I) and they have been really easy to work with. And I’m terrible with paper, so the e-insurance card makes it really easy, too.

      1. I have had GEICO for years, then e-surance for years and Progressive for years. All great. In particular, I was rearended on an icy road in Tahoe ~5 years ago and the whole back end of my SUV was taken out. Esurance was fantastic. I usually go

        I would advise that you should _always_always_ pay for rental car coverage. So worth it. My car was in the shop for weeks….but I had a lovely rental car.

      2. I am curious if you have had new premiums since the accidents. Historically, GEICO has been great for people with great track records, but the rates jump dramatically after an incident. I don’t mean to scare you, in particular, but I was going to post this generally and wondered if you have had a different, and more recent, experience that would contradict mine.

        1. Honestly, we’ve not seen that. My husband’s accident was 3 years ago and it went up by $3/month I think. About a year later when he bought a new car (a much nicer luxury car than his original passat) it went up again, but not very much comparatively. With mine, there was not an increase at all, but it was the first incident or accident I’ve ever had on my record.

        2. My rate didn’t change–I wasn’t at fault per the police report.

          My rates with them did go up when I got a speeding ticket in Wyoming while driving cross-country. They were still competitive (read lowest) given the ticket.

        3. My rate did go up after my recent accident that was totally my fault (and expensive). but not by much. Maybe $10-20/month? And, like I said below, the farther you get from an accident, they automatically lower your rates without you having to do anything. Mine were consistently going down every policy period until I go in the accident.

    10. I have Geico, and their response when I was in a fender-bender was fantastic. Quick, easy, everything was covered without a problem – I chose them initially because of the price, but I’m staying because of the service.

    11. We have Geico, and so far no complaints. I was in an accident (of the car-totaling variety) when I had Travelers and they were great. I have to say, it was really nice to be able to contact my agent right after the accident to figure out how I could get a rental, next steps, etc., and my understanding with Geico is that we would just talk to whoever we got since there are no agents like with other companies. The insurance agency we used to use isn’t licensed where we currently live, otherwise we probably wouldn’t have looked elsewhere.

    12. I have their car insurance, but haven’t had to test it yet (knock wood). My one negative experience with them was with their renter’s insurance — I bought a house and tried to cancel my policy (I went with a different insurer for homeowner’s, because I wanted a company with no dog breed bias), and that whole process took WAY more tries than it should have. I’m actually still not sure whether or not the policy is cancelled.

      Other than that, I’ve heard nothing but positive things about the company.

      1. GEICO outsources all policies other than their auto policies — your rental insurance was probably being handled by Travelers (IIRC), rather than GEICO itself.

    13. I recommend USAA if you’re eligible as well. Geico is very overpriced in my market.

    14. USAA has been fantastic for me. A minor accident with no injuries or damage – fenders scraped as I turned around an occupied parked car – was escalated by the other driver, but USAA took care of it and didn’t raise my rates.

    15. I Have geico. It’s been awesome. Whenever I have a good driving record my rates automatically go down with each policy renewal.

      I was in an accident that totally messed up my car, and even though it was my fault, the REAL PERSON on the phone helped me out immediately, then they sent me to an all-service place where they dealt with the claim and the repair at the same time, and had an enterprise rental car waiting for me.

      I’m paying around $100 a month right now, for a low deductible and including roadside assistance and I think it’s worth every penny.

    16. In the past, I had GEICO for many , many years with no problems, including with a couple of accidents (other party fault).

      Then the car died its final death and I was on public for about a year. When I got a new car and tried to go back, they were the second most expensive quote I got. All the previous years as a good customer meant nothing. (Esurance was the most expensive.)

      I have State Farm. No one else can touch their rates. I have only had one claim, but it was major (rear ended). They were great, got my car fixed (which included flying a specialist from out of state to the dealership) and my rates did not go up.

    17. I just switched to Geico. Great price, great service although I haven’t had any claims.

      I am also quite fond of them because they have given awesome service to my Marine while he was overseas and when he needed insurance in a hurry. They have a special military division that has been great with him.

      1. Haha my default was American Chemical Society. And I like their conferences a lot!

        1. That’s usually my default too, despite not longer being a member. I went twice as a student, though. Got some awesome punny bumper stickers.

    3. If you are referring to the American Constitutional Society, I have attended. What is your background, and what are your goals?

      1. I work in policy in DC, not for a firm, and would be interested in networking/education/inspiration. I’d have to pay for it myself and possibly take vacation days.

      2. I looked at the speakers and its all my favorite people so I guess I’ll sign up!

        1. The speakers can be quite inspirational. Depending on the nature of your policy work, you may be able to obtain a discount. There is a lower price for nonprofit and public sector workers. Even if you work for the private sector, if the job is low-paying, you may be able to request and receive a discount.

  3. To whoever recommend the flats from Saks off 5th a few days ago THANK YOU! I ordered a pair in black and nude and am wearing the black pair right now. They are the comfiest flats I’ve ever worn and are so cute. I’m tempted to order backup pairs just in case something happens to these and they no longer carry them! haha

        2. I ordered these as well, can’t wait to give them a try as my Campers have a hole in them.

          2. Can anyone comment on the width of the shoes? Wide-footed over here wants a pair too.

          3. Ordered! So excited. I need a new pair of really comfortable ballet flats. So of course I ordered two.

        4. Anyone know if they fit wider feet? I have them in the shopping bag but sometimes have to go up a size for the width if they don’t come in W sizes.

          1. I’m in the same boat.

            They look comfy! And they might be a good way to transition my poor ankle back into a little bit of a heel. And I’ve never yet found a so-called “nude” shoe that felt good on my feet.

        5. oh dear, they’re adorable, can’t decide whether to go for black or nude though ….

    2. That was Bonnie. I ordered them two days ago. So glad to hear you also like them. Can’t wait.

    3. You’re welcome. ;-) After wearing mine for two weeks, they’ve stretched a little but have not gotten too big.

  4. Wow, I love this dress. The center seaming is a little funny, but the split neckline & the pleats at the bust!?!? Gorgeous.

    I am on the hunt for cardigans. I know I need to look at Target & Lands End, any other ideas??

    2. I’ve been getting the Christina cardigans from Eddie Bauer based on someone’s recommendation here. I really like them after being disappointed by so many other brands which stretched out and pilled.

      1. I’m glad you like the EB cardigans. I feel like I plug them all the time so I’m glad somebody beat me to it. :)

    3. I’m looking for cardigans, too! I feel like mine are getting worn and I can’t replace them. I prefer v-neck cardigans that are straight at the bottom and not too boxy. That’s so hard to find. I ordered the Halogen v-neck cardigan and it had the ribbing that pulls in at the bottom. I just don’t like that look with a dress (or at least on me). The ones I have and love are from J. Jill and (strangely enough) Chico’s but neither place has anything like them right now. The Chico’s cardigans are several years old and the J. Jill cardigans were a particular style that they don’t carry now.

    4. Uniqlo. I have a lovely cotton/cashmere blend from 2010ish that’s holding up really well.
      NOLA, they might work for you, as they’re straight at the bottom (or at least mine is) and although there’s ribbing at the bottom it doesn’t pull in.

    5. I wish I knew. I used to like Ann Taylor, but those are no longer made of natural yarns. I am able to get thin, 100% cotton cardigans from J.Crew Factory even when the real J.Crew is selling only cotton/nylon/spandex. However, I am also looking for more substantial or longer options.

      1. Lands Ends cardigans are all cotton. Mine that I bought 2 years ago are holding up amazingly well. Compared to every other cardigan I have that look like a mess already.

        1. Thanks, Zora! I had one Lands End that developed a pinhole the first time I washed it, but will try again based on your rec and sale prices.

          1. Yeah, really. The Classic Cardigan, I don’t remember what the name is, but it’s pretty thick cotton. They do have other ones that are thinner/more lightweight, I don’t have experience with those.

            I don’t put them in the dryer, laying them out to dry is sort of a pain sometimes. But it takes several wears for them to stretch out, and then they bounce back after washing. And they look great with everything. I really desperately want to buy more in different colors, because the two I have are getting worn all the time.

      2. Ann Taylor has a few natural options such as this cotton silk one which is my current favorite!

    8. I’m torn on split neck dresses. They look great on their own but seem awkward to me under dresses and cardigans.

      This is a great time of the year to buy cashmere cardigans. Lord and Taylor and Neiman Marcus are good places to start.

    9. I love the Talbots Charming Cardigan. I used to like Lands’ End, but it bothers me that the buttons are white instead of tonal.

  5. Ugh I had a terrible first date last night. I met the guy from match and we met for the first time in person. It was just drinks but the guy was clearly not into me and asked for the check after one drink. I’m glad he didn’t lead me on or jerk me around but the rejection still stung. He was also pretty condescending- he explained what a basketball court looked like – in case I didn’t know. I may be goofy, like bad tv and fashion but I’m not stupid- don’t get it twisted there, bud.

    It felt like a job interview- it wasn’t a job I wanted but I still wanted them to want me. This is my first time doing the online dating thing and putting myself out there isn’t easy. I’m much more comfortable speaking in front of a big group of people or going in front of a judge! I know this could take awhile and I shouldn’t get discouraged and I will get back on the wagon just fine but the experience was very unpleasant.

    Any bad/embarrassing first date stories to cheer me up this morning ladies?

    1. I went on a date with a guy who wanted us to play some sort of “storytelling” game, where we took turns making up a story. This was 30 minutes into the date.

      My friend thought it might of been his way of testing whether I’d be into dressing up in furry costumes for LGPs. I have no way of knowing, though, as I turned down his request for a second date.

    2. Sorry you had a crappy first date, but just like a job interview, you’re “interviewing” this guy as much as he’s “interviewing” you! Please, he explained to you what a b-ball court looks like? And condescending is a no-go. Better you found out immediately then 5 or 10 dates in (and so much wasted time later). NEXT!

      I also did online dating (and met my husband that way, so it can work!). One of my first dates, the guy said he was 5’7″ online, so I thought he’d at least be a bit taller than me (I’m halfway between 5’5″ and 5’6″). I put on low wedges and a cute dress. I met the guy — and not only was he much shorter than 5’7″ (which in itself isn’t a dealbreaker), but the addition of my wedges made it oh so convenient for him to stare at my b00bs all evening. Which he did. Because they were right there in his face. He also only talked about European football. Only. Every time I tried to steer the conversation to anything else — even other sports — nope, right back to football. For three hours.

    3. Almost 12 years ago, a mutual acquaintance set me up on a blind date. It was a terrible mismatch in every possible way. Totally different values.

      I can home, poured myself a stiff bourbon and wrote a 20-question questionnaire that prospective first dates would have to answer before we met. It was a joke, obviously, but it soothed my sense of “how could someone who knows me even a little think that we would be a good match?!” angst.

      Sample questions:

      – name one Supreme Court justice
      – for whom did you vote in the last election and why
      – what do the Taj Mahal, Saint Peter’s and the Pantheon have in common
      – when was the last time your mother did your laundry

      It gave me something to do that evening besides perseverate and it was kinda funny.

      1. Funnily enough, I was thinking about something similar to this the other day! I can’t remember all of them now, but I think they also included what, if any, their position is on religion.

          1. interesting. i can name all of the supreme court justices, and probably the justice they replaced, but i would not have known the answer to this one.

          2. aha! I think I was thinking of the Acropolis, which isn’t a domed structure.
            Technically, doesn’t the Taj Mahal have minarets rather than domes?

            I like the dead people link though ;)

          3. Lily – minarets on the edges and dome in the middle (Wikipedia = reliable source).

          4. Ah, so the little pointy bit (technical term there) on top of the central dome doesn’t turn it into a minaret! You learn something new every day!

            I bet this will come up soon in a quiz…

            But this type of questionnaire can be really useful. One of my friends was going out with someone for a couple of months and then realised she was really, really racist – and it just hadn’t occurred to him to ask.

          5. Well based on my extensive (!) research, a minaret has a dome as one of the constituent elements where as the bit in the middle is missing the base and shaft characteristic of a minaret.

            Can you tell work is quiet today? :)

          6. Minarets also have a distinct function. A dome, cap or combination thereof doesn’t preclude a tall structure from being a minaret.

        2. This is SO interesting because it really shows how different things are important to different people!

          1. But it would also show that the other person has read widely, or at least been exposed to different cultures. That’s useful to know when you’re looking for a significant other.

      3. I am trying to find something meaningful for my dh. Just a little something.

        He bought me a ring a while back (2 years?) to wear when I don’t/can’t wear my real diamond rings. I don’t like wearing them when I do rescue squad stuff–I’m totally paranoid about losing them. Anyway, he got me a simple titanium band that is engraved on the inside.

        I thought I might get him a ring, but I want it to play to our history. We met in search & rescue, so I was thinking some kind of a compass theme? I thought about the phrases “I’d be lost without you” or “You are my north, my south, my east & my west”

        I am trolling Etsy to see if I can find anything, but I don’t really know what else to search for than “compass ring” and that’s bringing up a lot of steampunk, but also a lot of circular compasses on narrow bands, and I know he wouldn’t wear a shape like that–he would prefer a band. Maybe a signet shape.

        Thoughts? Assistance? Other ideas?? He doesn’t wear ties, cufflinks, or other accessories.

      4. OK, this is my own fault for posting so early in the morning without checking my own quiz first.

        The real question was: What do the Hagia Sophia, Saint Peter’s and the Pantheon have in common?

        My answer was: they are all houses of worship.

        Sorry to send you all down the wrong path.

    4. I went on a match date (my first) with this guy who suggested a brunch place that was in his neighborhood and about a 30-minute trek on public transportation from my neighborhood. Normally that would not be much of an issue (though certainly not super considerate) but this was the day after the Chicago Snowpocalypse of 2011… not the best traveling conditions. And then he didn’t pay for brunch, spent the whole time telling me how interesting I was compared to him, and was much less attractive than he looked in his pictures. It was HORRIBLE.

      1. Ladies, you can ABSOLUTELY request a more convenient location for date. If he refuses, peace out.

    5. Oh, that is disappointing. I am glad, though, as I am sure you are now, that he didn’t drag it out and lead you on. But still, that sounds kind of jerky to me. At least he should have a good time, like an adult should be able to.

      Not exactly a “first date” story, but kind of…I was sort of dating this guy when I reconnected with my now-husband. DH and I had known each other since 1998, and in 2002, I went with a huge group of mutual friends on a camping trip. There was a LOT of drinking. I had already made it painfully clear that I was no longer interested in seeing the dating guy about a week prior to this camping trip, but he would have none of it. At some point, when it became clear that we needed to go to sleep, I found that dating guy had poured bourbon all over my brand new tent, and had ripped the zipper & fabric of my sleeping bag. I ended up climbing into the back of now-dh’s truck and slept in the truck bed, instead of my wet stinky sleeping bag.

      I guess you could say that was my last date with dating guy, and my first date with now-dh. It took DAYS to air out my tent, and I could never repair my sleeping bag. I did in fact break up with him that morning, after he had destroyed my stuff.

    6. I have so many that to be honest, I can’t even separate one out now but one of the worst: I went out with a guy from OKC who (knowing I was a lawyer) told me the real reason women aren’t as successful as men is because we have too many emotions and it was purely biological so feminism isn’t going to accomplish anything. (I’m paraphrasing but only slightly).

      Honestly, you go on so many bad dates while online dating sometimes. My philosophy is generally similar to Ellen or Jay Z – JSFAMO or “onto the next one”.

      That said, I know how discouraging it can be (and I’m there right now) but I think it’s a numbers game.

      1. I like that you put Ellen and Jay-Z in the same school of philosophical thought. ;)

      2. I kept wondering how many people here are in Oklahoma City. Then I realized what y’all were talking about. I was thinking that they guys there must really be awful.

      3. This guy sounds like a variant of the not-small number of men I’ve been out with who at some point in the first date figure out I am a lawyer and then launch into their nightmare lawyer stories (the hack who sued his small business, the divorce lawyer who ruined his life, etc.). What are they hoping to accomplish with this? Do they think we all know each other or something? When I hear someone is a professor, I don’t immediately start railing about all the terrible professors I’ve had in my life, because that would be, well…really rude. Why are lawyers an exception to common norms of polite behavior?

        1. Ok I get this constantly! Do guys really think that telling me lawyer jokes or telling me that they hate lawyers is going to work?

          1. Right–like what is their best case scenario of how I’m going to react to that? There is literally no positive outcome.

        2. You are trying to find logic there.

          There is none.

          They are clearly too dumb for an amazing woman because they are not even listening to the words coming out of their mouths. Ugh.

    7. OMG. I met my husband at 19, so my bad dating stories go back to high school. A guy spiked my coke once. That was a really bad date. Luckily it was a double date so I had a friend to get me home.

      1. Ha, I read this as “spilled” your coke and was giving you a huge eye roll if you thought that was a bad date. :)

    8. In a couple of days (or maybe weeks), this will just be a really funny story. Online dating is rough because it can seem like an endless series of bad- to mediocre dates, with the occasional good one thrown in. I’m glad I did it and would recommend it to others, but I have no particular urge to go back, myself.

      I have funny stories galore, and if you do this enough, you will, too. Sara Eckel wrote something recently about you have to just look at these dates of collections of experiences, which is a good way to keep your expectations in check, I think.

    9. There was the time I went to the guy’s place to meet him, and he showed up 45 minutes late and drunk as a skunk. At that point, I was only hanging around to tell him off. I did so, then got in my car to leave, at which point he started hanging onto my car hood.

      Threatening to call the police finally got him to move, but for a minute I thought I might really have to run the guy over.

    10. Not my story – my DH’s story.

      He was going on a first date with a girl he’d know for a little while (IRL). She was picking him up for the date in her car. She arrived, and there were a few beer bottles (empty) rolling around on the floor of the passenger side. He made a joking comment about how she must have had a fun time the night before. Her response? “Oh, I had those on my drive over!” She was serious.

    11. ZOMG. Anybody who mansplained to me what a basketball court looked like would cause me to get up that very moment and leave the date. Seriously ladies, don’t feel obligated to continue to the end. After all, this a-hole himself cut it short after one drink. If someone’s going to be this discourteous and condescend to you, feel free to call them out on it (or pay them back with interest), or best of all, just get up, and leave them in the dust.

      These guys sound so terrible, I really hope they never partner up, and heaven forfend, never procreate. We don’t need more sucky people in the world.

      1. Oops. My bristling with indignation at how the OP was treated on her first date caused me to post this in the wrong place (darn that “posting too fast” error.)

      2. Haha, so true! Although some aren’t THAT bad, I totally don’t feel bad about saying, “gotta go, have a nice life”

        Some of my own stories:
        1. dinner with a dude who I am sure did not realize that he wasn’t actually into women. wanted to walk me home and wasn’t that bad, but I just wasn’t into guys who weren’t self aware of their sexuality. after I turned down a second date multiple times, he emailed a week later, asking me for tips on how to impress next date.

        2. drinks with a guy who misrepresnted his height, and told me he decided I wasn’t attractive enough. Didn’t care for him, but liked the bar and the $15 drinks so I made him buy me 2 more for being a jerk, then left.

        3. had begun limiting things to coffee dates. Met a boring dude who thought he was super smart and awesome. when I turned down a second date his response was that I had a spare tire. Learned to screen a bit better before agreeing even to coffee.

    12. Thank you all so much for your responses! This is cheering up & giving me a much better perspective!

      1. Who we meet is such a crapshoot, isn’t it?

        One of my work acquaintances went on a series of really bad dates for years and then finally met a guy who seemed pretty good. They dated for awhile and then got engaged. But she began to notice that she was the only person rowing in a 2-person kayak (figuratively). This dynamic was evident in her ending up all the housework, in financial planning, and in future-planing. He seemed oblivious to her complaints and when she laid it out super-bluntly, he became resistant and avoidant.

        So she broke off the engagement and dumped him. She went on another blind date sometime afterwards and met the guy who’s now her husband. They are a great couple and after several years, are still very happy together.

        1. Good for her! I think sometimes we get desperate and start overlooking serious character flaws.

      2. Once I had met a guy at a party, and during our first phone conversation (we hadn’t gone out yet) he called me the B-word. It was a (supposedly) joking context, but whoa, dude. Not even my closest friends do that, male or female. And then he repeated it–in case I hadn’t heard or something! I never hung out with him or talked to him again.

        1. This was one of the first TED talks I listened to – I wish I had that kind of ability to hack online dating that like that :-/

      4. When I was doing the online dating thing (which is how I met my husband, OKC for the win!), I decided not to call the first-meeting-over-drinks-or-coffee thing a “date” – I thought of it instead as a pre-screen, not that different from talking to a cute guy in a bar for an hour or two before deciding whether or not to give him your number. It made the bad ones sting a lot less, because hey, it’s not like it was a date or anything.

        1. When you don’t do a full on date, how do you “end” things? My fear is I wouldn’t know how to get up and walk away if it is not going well, and with dinner for example, the waiter will eventually bring a check to provide an “escape hatch” for lack of better terminology. With drinks or coffee you’ve often paid up front. I realized how bad I was at extricating myself at a networking thing last night, I can’t imaging how much worse I’d be on a date. This should really be a lesson in school at some point.

          1. “Well, it was nice meeting you, but I’ve got to run. Best of luck on OKC/Match!”

            Exit, pursued by a bear.

          2. I’ve actually taken to scheduling first dates at time when they can only last about an hour, maybe hour and a half. I had one on Monday – just said I was super busy but would love to grab a coffee with this person, and would they be around either for lunch or before a meeting I had in the evening?

            It works really well for me on two fronts – if it’s a bad date there’s already a set end point that’s quite soon without being awkward, but if it’s a good date you get the “first date” awkwardness over quickly and things tend to be more comfortable the second time you meet up.

            (also, first time commenting here, be gentle!)

          3. Seconding Blue Anne – “Hey, I’d love to meet up with you on Sunday, but I have a yoga date with a friend at 1 – how about we meet at Coffee Shop at 11?” (Then, if it’s going well, there’s always the option for “oh hey, friend cancelled, want to go do a thing at a place with me?” but if it’s not going well or you just don’t want to linger, you just bounce at 12:15 or 12:30 to go get ready.)

          4. I got out of going to get lunch with a guy after the first part of a date by saying I had a tae-kwon-do test to get home and prepare for. I actually took TKD at the time and had mentioned it in my online profile, so it passed as legit.

          5. “Exit, pursued by a bear.”

            Baconpancakes, I think I love you. and not just for your pancakes with bacon, which i also love. ;o)

          6. zora, it’s so nice to be loved. :-D Remember in kindergarten when you’d decide you were friends with someone, and you just were? I’ve decided we’re friends.

          7. YAY! I agree with your decision. It is good. You can borrow my pencils and erasers whenever you want. ;o)

            (Also, great timing to make a Shakespeare reference on his BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday Will! Why did I not plan to be in London this year for it? Rawr!)

        2. Relatedly, my pet peeve is when you make a plan for “drinks” at a time like 8pm (late for dinner where I live), but to the guy, “drinks” really means “drinks with an option for dinner if you’re hot.” If I’m meeting someone at 8 for drinks, I’ve already eaten dinner. Then the guy either thinks I’m not interested or just rude if I don’t order dinner when he asks. Seriously guys, just be patient and stick to drinks, and if we get along, we can grab dinner the next time.

          1. If dude can’t handle “oh, I already ate, maybe next time?” he’s an idiot, and your time is better not wasted.

    13. I was on Match and OKC for the spring and summer of 2012. Among the bad dates were the guy that decided it was appropriate to act all gropey and that our first meeting would clearly be perfect by springing the fact that it was his friend’s birthday and we’d need to hang out with them all night (the friend and his girlfriend didn’t realize this was a first date). There was the guy that I got trapped in a 3 hour coffee date for that spent the whole time basically complaining about how privileged the people he went to college with were and… BEST (WORST) OF ALL:

      There was the guy who I figured out had lied about his name and was secretly married. This one is kind of amazing in retrospect in an awful way. We had been emailing a while before, he claimed his name was Matt Something (cannot remember exactly what it was, but it didn’t begin with S, so for the sake of this, lets say it was Roberts) and that he was a third grade teacher. Prior to finding out his last name, I’d done some Googling and determined that there was a teacher in a neighboring town that was named Matt S but that at some point in time he was married (there was an obit naming this Matt and his wife as relatives of the deceased). I was a bit suspicious, but figured there could be plenty of Matts who were third grade teaches and that I didn’t know the town in which he worked. So I asked for his full name, he gave me it, and it didn’t match the last name. Needless to say, I was slightly embarrassed and vowed never to preemptively Google again. Flash forward a couple weeks and we agree to meet up for coffee. We get there and are having a fairly decent conversation, he’s talking about teaching and retelling some story about teaching and mentions some kid yelling “Mr. S. Mr. S”. I immediately begin to panic internally trying to remember what the Google name was, but can’t. I ask him why they would be calling him Mr. S since his last name is Roberts and he launches into a half-witted explanation that they called him that since he looked like another teacher and that it always really bothered him (seriously dude? SERIOUSLY?). At this point, I’m just annoyed that he seems to think I am an idiot who would believe this half-witted attempt at an explanation, he seems to think he’s in the right and starts trying to continue on with whatever story he was telling about teaching. I stop him and just ask him to show me his ID, he claims he doesn’t have it, I ask him to show me a credit card, he claims he doesn’t have it and that he only has cash on him. I ask him to show me the registration to his car which is parked outside, he claims it may not be in there, but that he’ll go out to look. He gets up and walks out, I grab my phone and text a friend who was aware of the prior Googling, assume hes never coming back since he was caught in a lie and this is the perfect time for him to just not return. A few seconds later he’s back at the table, sits down and says its not in the car, and then tries to start the story again! I just looked at him, smiled, told him I believed he was lying about his name and that I was leaving. Got up, walked out, drove around for a while to make sure he wasn’t following me (paranoid, but who knows what type of wierdo he was). Got home, Googled the original name I had found, found some picture of him from an adult baseball league, emailed him the link to his own picture and name and told him to never contact me again.

      This Sunday will be a year and a half since my first date with the current boyfriend and we moved in together earlier this month. He’s the nicest and most caring man I have ever met. I cannot imagine my life without him.

      Eventually, there will be no more first dates, until then, just try to view them as lightly as possible and recognize that, while there’s inherent rejection in online dating, eventually, you will find the person who you want to be with and who wants to be with you. Keep your chin up!

      1. That’s really something–how incredibly hard he was trying to start an affair. You’d think there were easier methods and more receptive people out there for him, if he was so determined to do it.

        1. Right? The amount of effort he put into it was astounding. Then again – he was also clearly an idiot in his attempts to explain away his slip.

    14. I went on a first date that was actually REALLY good until the last half hour, when he relentlessly and repeatedly pressured me to go back to his place for…activities (which, if that’s your thing, go for it, but it’s not for me). Once I had escaped, radio silence for a week and then a (clearly drunken) email telling me how much i hurt his feelings by turning him down for s*x.

      1. Ugh, I had this with the addition that his really special way of thinking he was being cute in trying to get me to was to ask me repeatedly if I wanted to see his “stamp collection”. He said it with that sly little smirk. I assured him repeatedly I did not.

        But that was nothing on the guy who asked me on the first date if I like an*l s*x. Um. Wow.

        OH! I almost forgot the guy who showed up at dinner with a story about how his dog ate his whole wallet (and chewed up all his cash and cards!) But, he had his checkbook, but gosh darn it the restaurant doesn’t take checks!

        I said, that’s ok, I do. And made him write me one for his meal. And cashed it the next day.

        Hmpf.

        3. Yes! This guy kept asking me if i wanted to watching a movie…with suggestive eyebrow wiggles.

    15. IME, there are more bad first dates that good ones. But for a while there, I was the star of my book club because I had so many funny stories.

      I think the job interview analogy is a good one, and one I sort of use: I treat every date like I’ve been set up a networking date: it keeps me detached from taking anything too personally, until things get good. :)

    16. I went to dinner on a first date (big no-no for me) from okcupid because the guy picked a restaurant I LOVED and hadn’t been to in awhile (and my roommate roped me into bringing her home takeout). His entire conversation for dinner was about how he resented his parents for trying to get him to major in pre-med instead of whatever it was he liked, but I was 27 and he was 32 and him ranting about how much he hated his mom and dad for pressuring him to major in something else from over a decade ago was awful – I could not get out of there fast enough. But because it was a dinner date, I was stuck sitting there until he finished his dinner at an agonizing pace before I could run away.

    17. In college, a guy took me on a date to dinner and then the carnival. I get motion sick very easily and explained to him repeatedly that I would get ill if I went on one of the rides he wanted to go on. I offered to wait for him while he went on it, but he grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the line. I had my revenge – I threw up once the ride and, after they stopped the ride to let us off, puked two more times on the grass. To his credit, he seemed to feel awful about it once he realized I had been serious (because apparently motion sickness is something girls joke about?!?).

      1. IME, you never doubt someone who says “I think I am going to vomit”

        In your instance, you gave a promise, not a threat, and poor guy for whatever reason, just wouldn’t listen. Seriously, why would you not listen to someone who said, “I get motion sick, and I guarantee I will throw up.”

    18. Dude, that First Internet Date is HARRDD. It really feels so awkward. I know everyone says this, but I promise it gets easier after you go on a few more dates. At some point it just clicked in my head that *I* was judging *them* not the other way around. And there were also a few where I didn’t like the guy enough to go out again, but we had a good time, and it was still a nice night out. My confidence really grew as I got more experience doing them. It’s REALLY not you! I promise!! ;o)

    19. There are so, so, so many bad date stories (especially from online dating), but I think the worst one was probably the guy who showed up about 60 pounds heavier than his photos, and then proceeded to talk about how he had lost all his money in starting a new company, so he had to move into a crappy apartment in which he was constantly finding cockroaches ON HIS BED.

      Not sure why he thought that was polite–much less alluring–conversation for a date…

    20. Count yourself lucky. I swear, I lack a creepy gauge. My 20s and early 30s were spent failing to notice folks were weirdos until at least a couple of dates in. I’m happily married now, but back in the day there was the person who tattooed himself (and not well), the one who completely made up a career (and actually having a job and status of not living with his mom and status of being able to drive and , oh yeah, status of not using heroin…each of these things were unveiled with each date–Lord knows what I would have learned on the next one), and the one who showed up at my house for a party his friend was throwing wearing overalls–and no, it was not a costume-themed party. For the record, I’m attractive, kind, have a great family and lots of friends, and have built an awesome career. I’m now married to the most amazing person in the world and thank the stars every day. I only add this last part to truly emphasize that how you get treated by others or the types of folks you encounter are not a reflection of your own value. Don’t let some loser chip away at your ego.

  6. Can anyone lend some advice as to how long I will have to wait for a possible job offer? I did an informal phone interview with a company 3 weeks ago, did a formal in person interview 2 weeks ago, this past Monday (~10 days post interview) they called me and asked for my references and salary expectations. I provided the information right away and they called my references later that same day (my references told me they said good things!) and now I am just waiting. If an offer is forthcoming (fingers crossed) what seems like a reasonable timeline? Any day now? Or am I being crazy to hope it’s that soon?

    1. I’m in the same boat actually. I interviewed for a position via teleconference on March 19, and still haven’t heard back. Two and a half weeks ago I heard from HR that they were “hoping to make decisions in two weeks”. Nobody new has started, or at least they aren’t on the website, so I’m also not sure when to give up hope.

    2. It all just depends on the company, hiring manager, there is no “rule” here. They could still be interviewing, they could not, you could be their first pick, you could be the backup. Keep looking if you’re looking and try not to focus on it. Could be days,weeks, months, a year or never before you hear.

    3. IME, it could be any time from 24 hours after an interview to 8 weeks before getting an offer. There really is no rule. Just because they haven’t called doesn’t mean you didn’t get an offer, but they could also string you along for months and then one day let you know you’re no longer in the running.

      The best you can do is persistently call HR and ask if there is anything else they need to move forward with your candidacy, and that you appreciate hearing if they instead decide to go with another candidate.

    4. Yep, it can vary tremendously. Maybe they need this one guy to sign off and he’s in China for the next month. Or maybe they’re not going to offer to you and they are too rude to let you know. Keep looking and try to put it out of your mind. If it comes through, be delighted; if it never does, at least you haven’t been wasting time.

    5. You may very well still be in the running. I’m trying to fill an open position right now and because of some travel schedules and political BS among senior management, it has been taking weeks.

  7. TJ – my Breton striped top which I’ve had for a few years is falling apart. Any recommendations for ones currently around? I’m in the UK. Want to pay up to about £25ish

      1. They’re lovely! Unfortunately they had 25% off tops yesterday so I’m loathe to pay full price today. I’ll wait til I next get an offer through for them.

      2. +1. I love the Breton tops from Boden. Give it a week or so…they’ll be back on sale.

  8. I almost always have trouble getting dresses to fit well because I have a very short torso. So, sheath dresses are usually a disaster for me, as the hips/waist end up where they’re supposed to, but the shoulders end up around my ears. Petites work well, but even then, sometimes there’s still work that could be done.

    Has anyone had luck with tailors bringing shoulders/bust darts down to fit a short-waist?

    1. I’d suggest looking for a sheath with a waist seam (some do have this, usually it’s inconspicuous) and having the bodice shortened.

    2. Have you tried Boden dresses lately? I thought my waist was close to my armpits, but these were for a person when a really short torso. They were like empire waists on me and I’m 5-4.

    3. Perhaps dresses at Boden? As a long-torsoed person, I’ve completely given up on them, because Boden dresses always seem to have their waistband up in my ribs. I’m thinking they could suit a short-torsoed person really well (with some minor tailoring.)

    5. YES BODEN! Sorry for the caps, but I’m short-waisted and they are so perfect for me.
      If I get one with gathers below the waist, it fits my one-size-larger bottom half too.

    6. But yes, my tailor has taken up the shoulders of many dresses to make the waist hit me correctly. I do have to be careful about picking out the dresses, though, making sure they have a top seam on both shoulders. And usually sleeveless is easier than sleeves. She also adds or adjust the darts to make it fit my top better. I’d say find a good seamstress, take one simple sheath dress to her and discuss these issues. She can see your shape and how that dress fits, and help give you advice on what to look for in dresses that she can easily alter. For me, alterations have cost $30-40 per dress, which is totally worth it for a perfectly fitting dress.

  9. Hive, any advice on reapplying for an internal position that I was previously rejected from? There’s no growth opportunity in my current role and the only way to advance would be through this position. 5 months ago, I was rejected and told that my work ethic and experience is great, however I am not outspoken enough. Some time has passed and my work has pretty much been the same. The position posted is also still the same as it was before in terms of responsibilities/title/manager. I’ve tried to be more outspoken and assertive at meetings but I don’t have meeting with the hiring manager often enough for her to notice. Do you think it’s worth it to apply again or would it seem like a desperate attempt to leave my current role?

    1. Wanting to move up is never desperate. You should apply again, but clearly explain/show how you have built your previous weaknesses into strengths.

    2. I don’t think you should apply unless you can point to a concrete difference. Speaking up in meetings more wouldn’t cut it for me- have you volunteered for a new project, made a big presentation, etc? If not I think you will get rejected again and may get a black mark next to your name for not understanding their requirements. Better to start applying elsewhere.

    3. Since you applied before and it’s internal, I’d just call the hiring manager and discuss it with her/him.

      1. Last time the position was up the hiring manager told me to to directly apply on our internal website. We still have to go through a recruiter and submit our resume. I may be reading too much into it but the hiring manager did not mention to me that there’s an opening which is why I feel like I wouldn’t even be considered.

  10. Relationship (or really, non-relationship advice needed). I have been seeing a man in my close-knit field, who is more senior than me but in another company (Man #1). We met through work networking. While I do really like him, and he is a wonderful person, I have also been dating another man who is a better fit for me (Man #2). Man #1 and I were not exclusive, and last time we saw each other, I told him that Man #2 and I were going to make a go for it and we have discussed being serious/exclusive. He is just a better fit for me.

    Man #1 is not taking no for an answer, he wants to stick around because, perhaps, he’s overly confident in our connection and thinks I will drop Man #2. He was always the pursuer in the relationship, and may have taken the other person/turn down as a challenge to “step up his game”.

    Tonight I am meeting up with Man #1 to cut it off totally. I tried the nice route, and it didn’t work – seeing someone else, just don’t see it working, etc. Plus I was firm about it, and have reiterated through other communication. But I still will have a professional connection with Man #1 so I don’t want to be mean. How do I put him down firmly, but permanently, such that he doesn’t see it as a challenge to continue to pursue me?

    1. Tell him that his continued pursuit of you is not fair to Man #2 and is damaging your ability to pursue a relationship that you care about. Tell him you’re a one-guy-at-a-time type of person and you need him to respect that. If that doesn’t make him back off, then he’s not worth keeping around in your professional life anyway.

      1. I would do this and then if he contacts you in the future wanting to get dinner or anything just reiterate that you are in a relationship and end the communication. Ignore him if necessary. If he continues to contact you after you have communicated to him that you are not interested it is not rude or unprofessional for you to ignore him.

    2. You just do it and then you act as if you mean it because presumably you do mean it. Quite frankly, if you already told him once and were firm, I am not sure why you are going to see him again to say it a second time. This doesn’t seem firm to me. I think “I’m sorry, but I am 100% committed to making it work with Man #2” seems like a perfectly appropriate thing to say. Don’t linger and repeat it in the future as needed (but don’t go see him again for a drink or coffee or whatever until this blows over).

      As for how to maintain the professional connection, I would just remain polite and professional. He’s a big boy, he’ll deal.

      2. +1 to everything AIM said.

        Man #1 shows he doesn’t respect boundaries. No means no. He’s about 100 yards into Creepster Country already. Don’t meet with him– don’t give him an opportunity to crown himself King Creep in the Capital City of Creepdom.

        And for godssake, telling someone no and holding them to it is not being mean. It’s being a grownup with rights.

        You may also need to accept that someone with this much difficulty in respecting your wishes may always be lurking around with the hope of restarting things. So this may never “blow over,” and you may have to adopt the distant, polite, and professional approach in any conference or industry encounter.

    3. I’m not sure why you are seeing #1 again after you already told him you were done. I would NOT see him, cancel for tonight and then block him and don’t answer his calls or texts.

      1. Exactly. If he needs something from your professionally (or you need something of him), then you can resume contact. Any going to coffee/dinner/etc to talk it over/end it should not be happening. It IS over.

    4. Why are you meeting up with him? All that tells him is that ignoring what you tell him will get him what he wants. You are not bring mean, he is being disrespectful. I think you should cancel for tonight and not reschedule. Tell him you’ve said what you need to say, wish him all the best, but won’t be socializing. And then don’t.

      1. I agree. Unless you like haveing 2 men chase you, I would loose the guy you do NOT want to date. I knew a girl in college who loved the atention she got from men, even if she KNEW the men who were trying to date her were jerk’s. So she did NOT chase away one guy she should have and that guy literaly CAMPED outside of her dorm room waiteing for her to come out and some time’s she was in there with another guy haveing sex so the guy would come out all sweatey, and it every one KNEW what was goeing on in there. But she STILL let this other guy hang out and try to date her b/c he gave her food and bought her movie ticket’s. I think she was takeing advantage of this schlub even tho she NEVER did anything sexeueal with him. She knew he wanted to have sex with her (or anything close), but she never did. What I did NOT like is that she always was leadeing him on by talkeing about future possibilitie’s with men, includeing him, which kept him on the string, hopeing that she eventueally would have sex with him b/c he alway’s was there camping out waiteing for her so he could get a chance. FOOEY on her for leadeing him on, and FOOEY on men that won’t take a rejection when given. In the mean time, I just want 1 guy to marry and support me so I do NOT have to work after I have children. Where is that guy? YAY!!!!!

    5. If you’ve already told him that it’s over, and reiterated that it’s over, and you’re sure that you were firm about it, then I would not meet up with him tonight so that you can end it yet again. I would also back away from offering any more reasons (i.e., you’re seeing someone else, you just don’t think it’s a good fit) and just say no. Telling him it’s because of Man #2 may be encouraging him to stick around until Man #2 is gone. You do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with him, and if you have already told him that, I don’t think you should discuss it with him again.

    6. I wouldn’t bring #2 up. That makes it sound like you would totally stay with #1 if it weren’t for the other guy, which he is probably translating to “You still have a chance, #1.” Tell him calmly, but firmly, that you are no longer interested in seeing him and ask that he refrain from further contact.

      If he persists after this, it might be a sign of something less healthy than just being the pursuer in the relationship.

    7. It sounds like you’ve already cut it off permanently; why do you need another meeting to do this again? And he doesn’t get to decide whether he will or “won’t take no for an answer.” Your answer is no, and whether he wants to take that answer or not is not up to him. I would cancel the meeting for tonight, and say you’ve already explained yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, or think it would damage you professionally, then I would meet him very briefly and say something like, “I agreed to meetthis evening as a courtesy to you , but I’ve already said what I had to say.” If he tries to argue with you, tell him you’ve made up your mind, and aren’t interested in arguing. Then leave. You don’t owe him endless explanations.

      1. Agree with this — a part of me wants to indulge my inner Carolyn Hax and mention The Gift of Fear here. But I don’t want to suggest alarm bells where there aren’t any. If “no” is unclear, repeating “no” isn’t likely to work any better. This is just sustaining your contact, which may give him hope that you mean to keep having contact with him in a non-work sort of way.

        1. +1. Inner uneasiness was my first reaction also. Because I can be Too Nice, I initially tried to placate my uneasiness (by imagining writing advice such as “Go, but meet somewhere public and make sure that someone you trust knows where you are.”). Now I agree w/ everyone else who said Don’t bother meeting with Man #1.

          You’ve already said No and you have nothing more to say. Meanwhile he probably hopes or plans to say things that you don’t want to hear. Aside from being super-careful, why waste your time? (Whether or not it’s a waste of _his_ time is not your problem.) Just cancel. Tell him there’s no point in rehashing your already firm decision not to continue a dating relationship with him. Be clear and be brief. Any details (“for the present” or references to Man #2) are just going to give him opportunities to keep advocating for himself.

          Finally, without being paranoid–be careful for tonight and a while going forward. Enlist a sane, discreet friend or neighbor to confirm that you’re safely at home at the end of the evening. Yes, it stinks that we have to do this, but a small bit of prevention is better than a whole lot of recovery. People help each other through small as well as large challenges; at some point you’ll be able to return the favor or pay it forward.

    8. OP here. I guess I didn’t explain fully the reason why I am meeting him. I told him about Man #2 and that I was going exclusive/wasn’t going to work out with Man #1 on Friday night when having drinks. Other people were present (about 5 of us at a table) and someone who only knew Man #2 asked me about him in front of Man #1, so I awkwardly had to pull him aside and tell him the situation. While I feel I fully explained and told him no, I feel that a non-social, one-on-one explanation, requested by him, would be the mature thing to do. Otherwise we have not been in contact since Friday.

      1. I think one clear “I do not want to date you, full-stop” is in order, and beyond that, you owe him nothing. (Personally, given the casual/non-exclusive nature of your relationship, I’d opt for a phone convo over a face-to-face, especially if Man #1 seems headed towards creeping-creeper-who-creeps territory, but that’s your call to make.)

        1. Agreed. You owe him nothing. NOTHING.

          I’m just going to continue commenting in capslock today.

      2. Nah. I think that’s the mature way to end a relationship, but not to break off casual dating.

      3. With this update, I do think meeting Man #1 to end things is fine. You said you’ve “been seeing” Man #1, which makes it sound like you’ve gone on enough dates that a face-to-face meeting to say you’ve enjoyed this but are committing to someone else would be honorable.

        If I had “been seeing” a guy, found out at a public social event he was exclusively dating someone else, and then he refused to speak to me again, I would think he was a jerk. That said, it still doesn’t sound like you owe him an extended explanation or big break-up speech. A brief meeting is fine. And don’t let him argue with you.

  11. Any advice on dealing with severe burn out?

    I’ve been at my job a bit over a year. It’s my dream job, but my first year here was kind of rough – crazy overwhelmed with work, learning everything from scratch, working big-law type hours. A major project finished and things have slowed down to a reasonable pace, but I feel so burned out I can barely function. I gave myself a couple of weeks to just do the minimum at work and take care of myself, and then took a one week vacation where I did not think about work at all. I thought I’d come back refreshed and inspired, but I’m not. I’m tired and unmotivated 95% of the time. I went to the doctor just before my vacation for a checkup and everything is fine health-wise (including blood tests).

    I really like this job and want to do well here – how do I get the spark back?

    1. Could you be depressed?

      Trying adding sunlight every day (quick walk mid-day at work)/daily exercise now that things have slowed down a little. These are some simple, non-pharmacologic things that can help your mood. And if possible, try to re-connect with people/hobbies that you have left behind while pursuing your “dream job”. Life can’t be all work.

      If those don’t help, think hard about starting an anti-depressant. It doesn’t need to be long term, but it might just help pull you out of this slump.

      Sometimes we forget that fatigue/sleep/decreased motivation are classic symptoms of depression. And it’s treatable.

    2. This happened to me when I was in public accounting. I worked serious hours for all of busy season (pretty much big law hours) and then when it was over on April 15th I was done. I was so done and so exhausted that I actually passed out in the office and my co-workers called 911 (woke up to seriously hot firefighters…wasn’t all bad). I would go into work and just stare at all the things I had to do and would seriously do nothing. I went to visit my best friend across the country and I just cried and cried. I was so depressed but I didn’t know why or what was wrong. I think the stress of the busy season just came down on me all at once. I fought through it – ended up seeing a counselor and making myself run and life weights even when I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to avoid antidepressants at all costs because they have other unwanted side affects for me.

      Ultimately, what I learned was that some people are built to work long hours in stressful jobs but I’m not. My body was trying to tell me that this wasn’t working for me. I got a job with much less hours (and higher pay!) and I’m feeling a lot better. I’m not saying that this what you need to do, just be sure to analyze what you want out of life and whether what you’re currently doing fits that.

      1. “my co-workers called 911 (woke up to seriously hot firefighters…wasn’t all bad)”
        Thanks for the LOL moment. Doubly funny because at first I was picturing guys standing around while flames leaped up all around them. I finally figured out your intended meaning when I failed to understand why the firefighters weren’t getting significant burns. Duh.

    3. Thanks guys, you’ve given me some things to think about. Including hot firefighters :)

      1. Not sure if you’re still reading, but one other idea: sometimes we think we need rest, when we really need excitement. Is there something fun about your job – an industry conference, a project you could take on, a new client, hosting summer interns – that you could take on that would help you feel revitalized? As much as you need rest and recuperation, you also need a reason to come into the office in the morning.

    1. They might be good for cycling to work if you keep getting dirty water on your smart trousers/ tights or if you work in a building where you often get accosted on your way into the building by people wanting to talk business.

      Or for primary school teachers, or perhaps management in gyms and so on.

      Can’t think of any other situation though!

    2. Um, I love this idea and am going to order them – perfect for being able to change quickly to do yoga at lunch and get back to the office quickly.probably not what I’d choose for big presentation day but a regular get work done, yes please. Also might solve the “look nice getting off an airplane” issue a lot of people on here seem to have.

      1. They might also work to keep at the office to change into in case of emergency (whether spillage, snow, lack of transport home, etc) or to change into if it becomes a late night.

    4. I kind of love these. As someone who works in a much more casual end of the business casual spectrum, to be able to go for a nice walk/quick stretch session without having to worry about ripping my pants would be awesome.

      1. I was prepared to be horrified but I kind of love them, too.

        They wouldn’t work for my business semi-formal office, but I kind of love them.

      1. They’re certainly not formal, creased, dry-clean-only wool trousers, but they look like casual dress work pants to me. I’d wear them in a situation where it’s acceptable to wear khakis and a polo shirt.

        I bet if they were marketed as drapey work pants in a revolutionary new stretch fabric there’d be plenty of takers.

    6. Want x 100 — and I can pick this up locally then return it at the same place? Smiley smiley smiley.

      I’m in IT, so we only see clients twice a month. This would totally slide.

    7. I don’t know about wearing them to work, but they’d be great for business travel.

    8. They’re a little bit booty-ful for my comfort in the office. I might size up.

      They do seem like the perfect thing to wear on an airplane.

    10. Haha, I’ve been getting ads on thissite for Betabrand since I clicked through, and they’re advertising they accept bitcoin. LOL.

    12. They look similar to ponte pants, with similar rayon/nylon/spandex ratios. I think that’s basically what they are, but Betabrand is using the term yoga pants to mean “comfy, stretchy pants”.
      $80 is more than I’m willing to pay, especially since I can wear jeans to work if I want to, but the concept is not totally crazy. Although it might be a bit too snug for work on someone larger than the models shown.

  13. I did it! I sent my belated thank you note. Thanks for the encouragement from yesterday, Roses and Senior Attorney. Whew!!!!

    1. Good job! I read that thread and agreed with the advice. No one is ever mad at receiving a thank you note :)

      1. Thank you! And I feel so much better now that this is not on my to-do list. I was actually carrying a box of stationary with me for a while — even my purse feels better :-)

        1. And you inspired me to knock off one that I have also had on my list for the past 2 months. So thank you!

  14. Love this dress! Sadly, I can’t handle the idea of a pull-over style… my shoulders and hips just won’t allow for that.

    Hive, I need some help regarding how to best negotiate a higher starting salary when there are difficult circumstances surrounding the position. I successfully defended my dissertation in December, and will be officially graduating with a PhD in May. This semester, I taught as an adjunct professor at a small college about an hour and a half from where I live while also (unsuccessfully) searching for a more permanent job. One of the full-time professors is leaving the college and the department chair verbally offered me the position last week. Which is great, except for one small thing… the salary is awful! I expected to make approximately 60K when I got a full-time job, but the person I’m replacing (after quite a few years at the college) only made about 30K.

    The department chair was very open about this and said I could attempt to negotiate a higher starting salary with the president of the college. Concern 1: I’ve never negotiated a salary and have no idea how to go about this. Concern 2: I don’t want to appear greedy or too expensive for this small school, so I’m not sure how high to start my side of the negotiation. Concern 3: There are 3 other adjuncts in the department with more than 10 years of experience; I was offered the position and I know they’ve been asking for it for many years. I have a feeling if I don’t play my cards right, the president could easily toss me aside and offer the job to one of them instead. Concern 4: The president recently fired a professor with over 30 years at the college for a seemingly trivial thing, so it sounds like he’s a bit of a hothead (I’ve never met the man). Concern 5: Raises are not common at this college, so my starting salary will likely be my salary for quite some time. And finally, Concern 6: I’m desperate and really need this job, at any salary!

    Do you all have any advice? Starting points for negotiations? Tales of successful negotiations? I’ve been lurking on this site for quite some time and always enjoy the thoughts and comments of the ladies here. Please help!

    1. What are your other options? Is 30k market rate for this position? Is it a tenure track position? Why are you desperate? How will this job position you to go somewhere else?

      I’d have the answers to all of those in your head before starting to negotiate, and also know your bottom line. Will you take it for 30k? Walk away if they can’t do 40? It sounds like your concerns of losing the offer altogether are valid, but I’m not convinced a 30k job with a PhD at a crappy employer is a great prize (maybe it is, but make sure you’re not negotiating from a position of fear).

      1. Thanks for replying, Anne Shirley. Those are good questions, and I think I have the answers worked out. My other options right now (at least for the next year) are… pretty much nothing. I might have more opportunities in November, when many of the local universities will begin hiring for 2015/2016. I missed the last round of interviews because I was so focused on the dissertation. The average salary for professors at my level at this college is about 38K, from what I can find online. It’s much lower than the regional/national average of about 55-60K. Not tenure track–no tenure at this college at all. I’m desperate because being in grad school for the past 5 years has killed my savings, my student loans are coming due, and as stated above, I haven’t found anything else in the past 6 months that I’ve been searching. I need some additional experience in order to be more appealing to other institutions and there are a lot of opportunities for personal/professional growth here. It’s actually a really great starting position for me… if the salary wasn’t so abysmal.

        I don’t think I’d walk away from 30K, but I’d be much happier with 40K or more. I do think I’m negotiating from a position of fear on this one… but I’m not sure how to change that. Thanks again for commenting– you’ve given me a lot to think about!

        1. You need to figure out how miserable you would be if they pull the $30K offer. If you can’t stomach that possibility, I don’t see the point of negotiating.

          1. Thanks, Tesyaa, that’s a good point. I’m not sure how miserable I would be… I would pretty much be back where I was a week and a half ago. No options, no plan, no ideas. Yikes. But at the same time, it’s a 3-hr round trip commute and an extra 5K would just about offset the cost of gas over a year. I hope they won’t pull the offer completely, but it’s definitely a concern…

          2. If you got the offer would you keep commuting 3 hours round trip? Do you have a house or a SO that tie you to where you are living now? Why wouldn’t you move? Any chance you could negotiate a housing allowance or even a room in a dorm to crash in? Or a schedule that would allow you to only make the commute 2 or 3 days a week?
            I agree with the poster below that it will probably be easier to negotiate perks rather than salary. Just don’t do it like the story running around the internet about the philosophy prof applicant that tried to negotiate lots of salary and perks over email and got the offer pulled.

        2. As a fellow academic, I can say that you are subject to economic forces – supply and demand. Negotiations are successful when you have leverage and bargaining power – in this case, you have no bargaining power whatsoever (at least, it sounds like you are one of many replaceable parts to this university). Unless you bring something really special to the position(which is usually in the form of a stellar publication record that is quantifiable important to the position – i.e., this won’t help you if you are applying for a teaching track position), you have little to negotiate on.

          FWIW, I’ve had more success negotiating research support, travel allowances, and other monetary benefits (new computers, etc) rather than flat salary (which since I’ve always worked at R1 state schools, is usually fairly restricted).

    2. Google Nazareth College and revocation of offer to philosophy professor-I think it was in one of the academic papers. (Inside Higher Ed, maybe?) Not to discourage you, but it’s quite the story. As I recall, the comments were helpful about what the candidate should have done differently.

      1. I remember reading about that, Bewitched, and that’s part of the reason I’m so concerned. I don’t think I read the comments though, so perhaps I’ll go back and see what recommendations they have. Thanks!

    3. You must be very very careful.

      I suspect that this salary is close to market rate for this position, unfortunately, and that they may certainly be hoping to save $$ by offering a low salary to you because of your shorter pedigree. If the person you are replacing only made 30K, why do you think you deserve more? It just may not be realistic.

      This is small college academia. It can really suck. I hate to be brutally honest.

      Are you applying more broadly? What’s the rush to accept this position? Can you use it as a one year stepping stone to apply for more jobs?

      1. +1. Be careful. See if you can speak with other new professors at the college and see how their negotiation (if any) went. I would only expect to move up about 5k or so at the max, given what you say about the college president.

        I would keep looking after you get the job, also.

        And congrats!

        1. Thanks for the congrats, Diana! I was a little shocked to receive the offer, honestly. I’ll see if there are any new professors I can talk to, but they’ve been on a hiring freeze for many years so I’m not sure if anyone *has* been hired recently.

          Your comment on moving up ~5K max is really helpful. Like I said, I have no idea what to expect and what might be possible here. I definitely intend to keep looking after I get the job, but I appreciate the reminder.

      2. Carrie, I appreciate the brutal honesty. I have a lot of folks giving me the feel-goods: “You deserve this! Go for it! There’s nothing to lose by asking!” but few helping me with the reality check.

        The person I’m replacing started as an instructor and just recently received her PhD. She didn’t get a higher salary to start and so her (pitiful) raises didn’t increase her salary much. I do think I deserve more, based on my experience and what I could bring to the college, but I know I’ll need to make a more cohesive argument than simply, “because I’m awesome!”

        There is a rush to accept this position, like I explained above. I’m tired of being so broke after 5 years of graduate living. I’ve applied for a few other positions, but I’m pretty restricted geographically. I can definitely use it as a short-term stepping stone, and the department chair even hinted that he expected me to do so or would at least understand if I chose to use it in that way. Thanks again for your honesty!

    4. I think academia may be in a state everywhere, unfortunately – have you heard about the industrial action being taken in the UK? We were going to have a marking boycott by members of one of the sector’s biggest unions.

      1. So glad I finished my assignment marking and am not marking exams. You want to do the right thing for your students but at the same time, tutors and staff suffer while they create this additional layer of (highly paid) administration is created.

      2. I haven’t heard much about that, Lily, but I’ll be sure to look into it more tonight when I get home. It’s a scary time to be in academia, for sure…

        1. I totally disagree – there are many fields in academia (business, engineering, medicine and nursing, etc) that have starting salaries close to 150-200k for tenure-track research positions (at least at my school and level of institution). Its just that certain fields are extremely, extremely oversupplied. This means that candidates from those disciplines face stiff competition and have little bargaining power in the marketplace. Note that the fields commanding higher salaries and better prospects are the fields with high outside job opportunities. If there is little else you can do with your PhD besides teach, of course you will be forced into a lower-paying job if there are literally hundreds of other people in your field competing for the same few spots.

    5. Do you have any alternatives to this job that allow you to feed and house yourself next year (not necessarily other offers, but at least a realistic potential of getting alternative employment, either in the academy or out of it)? If so, I would negotiate politely but seriously, and be ok with the possibility that they will pull the offer. Because if they pull the offer, that is a really bad sign about the job (as is your description of the college president). Plus, it sounds like the kind of job that might not make a very effective stepping-stone to something better. Are you going to have the time and energy to publish in this job? Is your field one in which having the Ph.D. when you are on the market next year enough to give you a good shot at getting a different job?

      1. Sarabeth, I haven’t found much of anything for the next year. I keep thinking, “Oh my goodness, am I going to have to go back to waitressing with a PhD? That would be just awful.” I keep thinking that if they pull the offer, I’m just back to where I was a week and a half ago, right? But your take on it is also helpful. The department chair has encouraged me to continue my research, publish, and build connections with other universities. It will be difficult for the first year, as I’ll be teaching courses that I’ve never taught before, but if I’m diligent, I should be able to continue publishing. It’s hard to tell about next year’s applications… I truly think I need more teaching experience before other employers will take a second look at my application. And, personally, I’m more interested in teaching than research anyway. But you’ve mentioned a lot to take into consideration– thanks!

        1. Perhaps this explains your problem. In my field, we always say “teaching is a commodity, research is a differentiator.” Basically, anyone can teach – including part-time adjuncts with no benefits. The difference in teaching quality is extremely low between a full-time instructor and a part-time adjunct earning 1/10 of the salary.

          If you ever want to have good prospects in academia, you need to focus on research – research publications are something that (1) have a quantifiable impact on the school, raising its rankings, (2) can not be easily duplicated by a low-paid part-time worker, (3) cannot be outsourced. (4) do not lose value if you have to take time off (for maternity leave, health problems, etc.).

          My opinion is that if you are focused more on teaching, consider teaching at the high school level, where at least you will earn more thank 30K and receive better health benefits and retirement benefits.

          1. I’m in academia and anon gets a number of things right, but I think she misses the difference between large, research universities and small liberal arts colleges. SLACs *are* interested in teaching and often won’t hire without proof of excellence in teaching, a commitment to students, and a guest lecture as part of your interview. They are much less concerned with prublishing/your reputation. Also, depending on where you are in the country– there’s a good chance you won’t make more than 30k teaching high school. And you would probably find teaching at a SLAC much more enjoyable and rewarding than teaching at a public high school.

        2. Good luck! I don’t want to be a downer, but I do want you to be realistic about the downsides of some of these types of jobs. FWIW, I am at a college where teaching matters a lot (SLAC) but my research was also crucial to getting me hired. We definitely do not see teachers as interchangeable; rather, we believe that an active research agenda is crucial to keeping someone’s teaching from getting stale over the course of their career. So we value research BECAUSE we value teaching, if that makes sense. I think a lot of teaching-focused schools have this perspective, so keeping up your publishing will matter even if you are looking for a job with more teaching.

    6. Okay, there are all sorts of issues with salaries in higher ed., including compression – which means that if someone was hired at a certain salary and raises were low, then the people hired after that person will often do better and it creates compression between the newer people and the experienced people.

      That said, it’s best to get the best possible salary when you come in because you may not get much in raises after that. I don’t think it would hurt to negotiate. Weird that it’s with the university president and not a Dean or AVP. Do they not have tenure? How could you fire someone after 30 years unless they were an adjunct or extraordinary faculty?

      Check CUPA for like positions. If it’s not free, see if the college in question has the data. It’s how you look at the market value for positions like yours.

      1. NOLA, I’m glad you commented– I know you have a lot of knowledge regarding these types of situations. The idea of compression is interesting, and as bad as it sounds, I’m hoping that is what would happen here. I’m glad you confirmed my instincts on getting the highest salary possible upfront. They don’t have tenure; that’s part of the issue. The firing has been rather controversial. I don’t want to give out too many details, but you may have heard about it on your local news channel.

        Thanks for directing me to CUPA. I haven’t heard of that site and it seems like exactly what I need right now!

        1. The CUPA data is very compelling because it gathers together like positions from universities all over the country. We often use it when trying to justify raises or addressing compression or in setting salaries for new positions. Lo these many years ago, I negotiated my starting salary based on what I thought I needed to live on, compared with what they were offering. The Dean told me she could only offer a certain amount in the fiscal year I started (partway through the year) but would guarantee what I wanted at the start of the new fiscal year. It was rough, but I made it. That said, it meant that when I moved up into administration within the same organization, I didn’t get market value for my position. I could have gotten that by moving to a new university but I didn’t want to move. It was a few years ago, when we finally had some money freed up from a retirement that we were able to look at CUPA and justify a bump up in my salary that put me closer to where I should be.

    7. I hope I am not too late (wordpress doesn’t like me today).

      I agree with the +5k/year a commentergave above. Remember the woman in the (now famous) Nazareth case, asked for many other perks besides a bigger start salary.

      Remember how you ask is as important as what you ask for. I believe Kat posted some interesting links recently.

      What else can you do besides academia? Don’t tell me waitressing, I am thinking if you could do consulting of some kind, hopefully of the well-paid kind.

      Best of luck and I will try to post some links below.

      3. dude, if she could do consulting, her field would be paying more to begin with. Fields that have high outside job opportunities (like business, engineering, etc.) including consulting generally garner much higher wages in academia BECAUSE of the outside job opportunities (i.e., they need to pay the good people to stay). Only the fields that are vastly oversupplied and have low job opportunities pay peanuts in academia.

  15. Ladies, for organizing your life using web based products, do you have any preference between Springpad and Evernote? I like lists a lot and also use Wunderlist but it’s not as helpful for keeping track of different lists.

      1. I use Evernote for everything, from work stuff to recipes I want to try. I like that it syncs across platforms and you can import everything through a browser plugin.

      2. Thanks! Answered my own question easily. I just downloaded Springpad and it’s just too complicated and not as intuitive to use so back to Evernote.

    2. Evernote and Springpad can be used for very different things. I use both, as well as Wunderlist.

      I use Wunderlist for immediate to-do lists (like things I have to buy, or things I have to remember to do, like pick up dry cleaning).

      I use Evernote for longer, detailed notes, especially for things that I have large categories for, because you can include notebooks within notebooks. I use Evernote for things like planning travel itineraries, combining information for apartment searching, etc.

      I use Springpad for shorter notes (because the views at a glance on the phone and desktop versions show only short snippets), so things like ideas I have for novels, drafting chapters for stories that I can later copy into my manuscript, etc. I also use Springpad to make my bucket lists – I have a notebook of lists of things I want to do, categorized for each list (career, travel, places to eat, skills to learn, etc). I also use Springpad for collecting recipes – the preset layouts are nice so I can separate ingredients, directions, etc. I like the “spring it” extension for the browser, because it automatically detects parts of a website (like ingredients in a recipe) and autofills it for me in the right type of post.

  16. I’m absolutely drooling over this dress, but it’s out of budget as I’m in between sizes (let’s hear it for those last 10 lbs!). Someday…

  17. I am the IT manager at a company. Yesterday a woman called to try to sell me contracted IT services. The call went something like this:

    Woman: Yes I’d like to speak to the person in charge of IT at your company.
    Me: That would be me.
    Woman: No I mean I want to speak to the IT director. Can you just give me the name of the man who’s the IT director at your company?
    Me: OK first of all, why would you assume that I’m not that person? And why would you assume that person is a man. Thanks for calling, but get lost!

    I get the “can I speak to the person in charge” bit quite often when I answer the phone but it was the first time someone actually had the I-don’t-know-what to argue that it couldn’t possibly be me.

    1. I get this all the time. I’m a government attorney, our only female department head, and fairly young for the position. Whenever somebody wants to sell to the man in charge, I remind them that the Mayor doesn’t make purchasing decisions for my office. Jerks.

      1. “yes, I would like to speak with the staff member who is reviewing this application for town council.”

        “That’s me.”

        “The development administrator?”

        “Yes, that’s me. What can I help you with?”

        “Maybe I should talk to the zoning administrator.”

        No kidding.

    2. I think you gave the best response possible LT IT! That’ll teach her (and hopefully others) not to dare assume such a thing. Virtual high five!

  18. I’m looking for a new scent to wear for special occasions. I can’t sniff a ton (instant headache) so I was hoping to get a few recommendations to smell over the course of a few trips. I’m looking for something that smells soft and floral, with maybe some vanilla undertones. I don’t like anything that has too heavy of a scent (I don’t want to smell like I rolled a field of flowers) and am not big on fruit scents. Anyone have any recommendations?

    1. I am not big on fruity scents or anything overpowering because I also get migraines. I got a free sample of Chanel’s No. 22 and absolutely love it. It’s from their Les Exclusifs collection so I believe you can only get it in a Chanel boutique or on their website (I haven’t seen it alongside No. 5 and most of the others sold at my local department stores), but after getting an awful headache from trying something else that I could use a department store gift card on, I’m back to the No. 22 and paying the higher price for it. I’m afraid I don’t know the “notes” terminology for perfume, but to me, it’s a fresh, almost soapy clean smell, which incidentally is the same scent I prefer on guys vs. cologne.

    2. Try Bulgari Rose Essentielle & Voile de Jasmine. The latter is my favorite floral fragrance, but if you want vanilla undertones the Rose might be a better bet for you.

    3. I really love Versace’s Versence, which I bought for my wedding – it’s a little more woodsy than floral, but it has floral notes in it and is very light. I typically like soft and floral myself, but there was something about the woodsy tones that made this feel a little more “special occasion” than my every day Vera Wang or Marc Jacobs.

    4. I happen to also work in the fragrance dept of a dept store (yay for second jobs!). I recommend Signorina Eleganza by Salvatore Ferragamo. You can also try Dolce by Dolce & Gabbana or Daisy (eau de toilette, not eau de parfum) by Marc Jacobs. All good choices IMO and the first two are very new. Good luck!

    7. I wear Michael Kors, which smells like gardenias to me. I think it’s a universally flattering scent, b/c it smells great on every woman I know.

    8. At opposite ends of the spectrum, I like the Chanel Coco Mademoiselle (I have the EDT) and also Taylor by Taylor Swift.
      Calvin Klein also bring out a Summer edition of CK One every year which is usually fairly light, so that might be worth a sniff when it comes out.

  19. Guys, so sorry to be venting here but I’m in desperate need of a hug and for somebody to tell me it’s going to be alright. I’ve been in a job I absolutely hate (ok, I admit – the job is bad but people are worse; I just don’t fit in with these folks and have no body to talk to). I have interviewed for a great role over 5 months ago and they’ve put me on hold until now giving a different excuse each time (all along, I was in touch with the recruiter, HR and the partner himself so I have absolutely no idea what went wrong). I know it’s stupid of me as I let go of other interview opportuinities and practically stopped looking, waiting for this offer to come through. Well, it never came. And I’ve turned into one big ball of mess. It’s like I’ve let go of everything. I haven’t been dressing properly to work, I’ve been on shopping ban (cause I’ve been telling myself that I’ll go buy some cute tops and suits as soon as I get the offer letter). Feel like I just can’t control anything. And to top this, I’ve had a small fight with my husband this morning (he started it; it’s one of those things where he very casually blamed me for something. I’m honestly so tired of this attitude. We met with a small accident 2 days ago while he was driving and says it’s because of me as I was the one who wanted to go to the shopping mall. May be some people can put up with this but such remarks always rub me the wrong way). It just amazes me that he gets to piss me off so much and get back to his work and life while I’m here thinking of all the horrible, unfortunate things I’ve had to go through and realizing that I am absolutely not gifted with anything, that I’m just an average person with average intelligence and looks but big dreams. So tired of all this. Right now, I just want to cut myself off from everything and everyone and just be.

    1. It’s going to be alright. Take a big deep breath.

      First, the easiest thing to fix is the letting yourself go. Shop your closet, do your nails, not for work but for YOU. Even with your current clothes, I’m sure you look totally fine. Play around with new ‘dos and you will feel less frumptastic in no time. Been there and the fun updos make me feel very glamorous even wearing the same crappy clothes :).

      Look for a new job. Take one or two nights a week and go sit at starbucks somewhere and work on your applications. Set a realistic goal for yourself (3 applications a week) and make them really awesome applications for jobs.

      Hubs. He doesn’t *get* to piss you off and you have to sit there and stew about it, that is your choice. He can make rude comments and you can choose to let them bother you or tell him he’s being an @ss and let it roll off your back. If this is a common issue in your marriage (you = scapegoat) consider longer term solutions like counseling.

    2. This too shall pass, as they say. I have been there both in terms of being in a job where I didn’t really have anyone to talk to and also feeling very depressed trying to get out of a job situation at a time when jobs were tough to come by. I also have a husband who acts this way sometimes and I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that I’m really just an average person in terms of intelligence and looks and I am OK with that.

      Can you take a day off and just relax? Go get your nails or hair done and just sit at a coffee shop and just read a book? On bad days at work, I sometimes go to the nearest Starbucks with a book for my lunch hour. Getting out of the office and into the book destresses me a lot.
      Your job search problem sounds somewhat like the blind date problem above. Keep your options open, always be looking, don’t let one bad experience get you too down. You can’t control who falls in love with you or who hires you or even what your husband does so focus on the things you can control.

      1. I have definitely been there; in fact, my terrible job where I had no one to talk to and hated my life ending up firing me. So that was fun.

        I really hit my network hard, and applied online randomly to any company nearby that seemed like a good fit. I actively looked for a better fit in my new company, and I love my job now.

        And I agree if your husband’s comments get to you on a regular basis therapy for you or both of you might be in order. My husband can be quite snippy when he’s frustrated, but I have learned to let it go and realize he’s not actually angry at me and not take it personally. Let him know that you don’t appreciate the comments – it’s not like you wanted to get into a car accident either! You guys are on the same side and sometimes he might need to be reminded of that (at least, my husband does :) )

    4. Awww, sweetie!!!! I was in a very similar place a while back, and people here have really pulled me out of it by being amazing. So, just keep coming back whenever you need to and we will buck you up.

      First, {{{A Million Internet Hugs}}}. Second: You. Are. Amazing. I know you think I’m just an internet stranger, but I promise you there are a million people who are actually completely incompetent and don’t even care. You are awesome, and I am pulling for you. You WILL find something else, and it will be bigger and better. Being in a bad job situation is the worst, it is draining all of your energy and happiness from you. It is them, not you!! I am positive.

      I had a horrible job situation, and in my head I call it “The Pit of Despair” (as in The Princess Bride) It makes me feel a little better even just saying that in my head. And looking forward to escaping the Pit of Despair and picturing myself doing something aweosome have helped a lot!! AND having people in my corner! So, keep posting here, we can be your cheerleaders. Or find those people in your life who will do that for you, and tell them that’s what you need right now.

      Also, take some time and do something JUST for yourself that will make you feel better. Even if it is away from your husband and taking time to be alone. Or with a good girlfriend.

      MOAR HUGS.

  20. +1 to what the above commenters said

    Hugs!

    And now: none of us (none!) is the smartest or the most beautiful, but we all have to play with the cards we have been dealt, ok?

    More hugs!

    1. One more random thing that just occurred to me. When you’re down like today think of a couple of things that you’re really good at, things other people you know aren’t as good at. Like I am really good at certain aspects of my job. I make a really good chicken tetrazzini, I am really good with animals. Maybe that sounds silly or childish, but it’s true. Everyone has to play the cards we’re dealt but we all have some good cards.

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