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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 250 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Colyn Black Ghillie Tie-Up Flat Shoes

Coffee Break |

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Lace-up flats - ALDO Colyn Black Ghillie Tie-Up Flat ShoesIt's still so warm out that these lovely lace-up flats seem like just the thing to wear to holiday parties where you'll be standing around or doing tons of walking. I like the delicate laces, the pointed toes, and way the vamp cuts straight across the foot. They're $91 at ASOS. ALDO Colyn Black Ghillie Tie-Up Flat Shoes

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Comments

  1. ANP

    Help. Close friends of ours found out this weekend that their 2-1/2 year-old-son has Type I diabetes. Her husband also has diabetes, but his developed in high school. I’m just heartsick for their little guy, who doesn’t understand why they now have to give him 3-4 shots a day and 5-6 finger pricks on top of it all. What can I do to help them? They live about an hour away from us, so advance planning is my friend here. I’ve been in touch with her and she knows I’m at the ready, but I also just want to do something. Meal delivery? Card from Emily McDowell?

    Their older son is 5, and I’ve thought about picking him up for a play date, but he doesn’t know our family that well so that could go either way.

    • lsw

      Awww, poor little guy! I will say this as a sibling of a boy who had severe illness that started when we were under 5 and continued until mid-elementary school – if you do anything for the 2.5 year old, do it for the 5 year old too. He is going to see his parents (and everyone else) giving so much attention to his brother, and he’s not going to understand it. So if you can make him feel special too, I think that could mean a lot. (Apparently it’s very common among siblings of sick kids and wasn’t just me being selfish!)

      • Anonymous

        I agree with you — I had a sibling with a lot of drama and I feel like I never got any attention at all growing up. Not my fault, and my parents were probably overwhelmed. Help everyone is a good idea. If you are a good friend to the other kid, it will help everyone.

      • APC

        My brother was also diagnosed with Type 1 when we were young and I had a hard time understanding why he got such special treatment. I second the recommendation to do special things for both kids, or do something fun with the older one if his parents need to spend the day at the doctors with the little one or something. Also, sugar free jell-o is a go-to snack. In terms of what you can do, probably not much (again, maybe some special plans for the older one). I’d avoid meal delivery – our whole family diet changed after my brother was diagnosed, so I’d let them figure that out themselves. Seriously I’d just offer to take the older one for a day or something to do something really fun which can let the parents focus on the little one for the day.

    • Betty

      My stomach dropped when I read your comment: my husband is a type 1 diabetic and both of our kids are at an increased risk. A couple of thoughts: If one of the parents is a diabetic, the tricks and management may not be new to them, but the diagnosis sucks. I think it is ok to acknowledge that the diagnosis is rough, but type 1 is not a death sentence, just a disease to be managed. If one parent is a diabetic, ask what their favorite restaurant is (since it is probably diabetes friendly, or they know how to count the carbs in that food) and get them a gift certificate. Offer to take the older child out during the younger one’s appointments: a playground and ice cream or the movies. Most of all, just being present for them and offering to listen is great. You could also offer to be back-up in case they ever need to run to a last minute doctor’s appointment or the ER.

  2. anon

    I’m going to a holiday reception after work at a country club, sponsored by a bank we do business with, the invitation specified “business attire.” I wore a black and ivory glen plaid wool pencil skirt, black silk sleeveless shell, and a short red blazer, with black tights and black “shooties” ( I hate that word, but it is descriptive) with 3 inch heels, and a long gold necklace with translucent beads that looks kind of festive. I was shooting for classic, professional but sort of Christmassy, now I’m wondering if I just look dowdy. I really could have worn this outfit 5 years ago, the only thing new is the shooties. It’s just a come and go reception, and I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but I’m tempted to run home and put on a bright blue wrap dress with black pumps.

  3. Engagement Rings

    I wear mostly gold jewelry, but I haven’t found many gold engagement rings I like out there. BF has his heart set on getting me the Tiffany’s classic setting in platinum, could I wear this with my other gold jewelry or is that a faux pas still?

    • Senior Attorney

      Not at all a faux pas. I take the position that all metals are neutrals and it’s perfectly okay to mix them.

    • Care

      I still worry about faux paus, but treat my engagement ring as an exception. It’s there no matter what and I don’t worry about wearing gold with it.

    • mascot

      I’ve got a diamond solitaire set in 6 platinum prongs with a thin yellow gold band. The prongs “blend” with the diamond and are supposedly more durable. My wedding band is also yellow gold.

    • Wildkitten

      Totally fine. I am a gold girl but think clear rocks are extra-sparkly on silver metals.

    • Bee

      I agree with the others that it’s perfectly fine to wear gold with your platinum/white gold engagement ring. But if you WANT gold, go for it. Gold wedding jewelry is starting to make a comeback; I’ve seen a lot more of it lately. If you haven’t found something you really like, see if the jeweler can make a custom setting for you.

      • Anon ring

        Late reply here, but husband bought me yellow gold anniversary ring for our 19th anniversary. I love the way the diamonds look against the gold. The ring is from brilliant earth, and looks much better than it did in the photos, when we looked at platinum vs gold…just saying, I think gold is harder to photograph well, but looks great in person. My engagement ring is white gold…totally different style….I wear theses two rings together all the time (usually on different hands).

    • Anonymous

      I tried on a platinum setting when we were looking at rings and it made my hand look like a zombie’s. So, yellow gold it is! Diamond solitaire with four prongs. I wear silver and other color jewelry on that hand/arm and don’t care if someone thinks it’s a faux pas because I love everything I’m wearing.

    • CKB

      I wear gold toned rings on one hand and silver toned on the other. I see nothing wrong with mixing metals, especially when one of the metals is your wedding & engagement ring, but I’m not super fashionable or up on the fashion rules, so…

  4. Do you think about leaving the bay area?

    Just saw that 90% my friends in Dallas and Atlanta have bought houses. Tons of cute photos with their beautiful homes on Facebook. 1.5 years out of business school. So essentially, in places-other-than-SF you can buy a house even if you don’t make $300K a year. Sob.

    Maybe I’ll move to Austin.

    • nyc

      I daydream about leaving nyc for a smaller city all the time. you’re not alone.

    • Texan

      I struggle to understand HCOL cities absent a job that can’t be found anywhere else or family close by. I have all the perks I would take advantage of: inexpensive direct flights to most of the continent and some to Europe, several professional sports teams, more restaurant options that I can enjoy, plenty of shopping, and a strong job market. Plus I was able to buy a house with a yard in the heart of the city in a safe-ish neighborhood at 23 (without a unicorn job – though big law here still pays nyc market). There are some politics I don’t love and maybe there isn’t the same buzz here, but I’ve got everything I could need.

      • Anonymous

        But you have to live in TX.

        Here in my HCOL area a dude just got three years in jail for carrying guns in a crowded public place without a permit. From what I gather in Texas guns in the mall is just Tuesday. Here, I can go to world class museums, opera, and ballet, and do at least once a month. Here, I can cheer on two local baseball teams, two local football teams, two soccer teams, and three hockey teams. Here, when I go to the best restaurant in town it’s also one of the best in the world.

        I can’t afford a house now at 32, but I will be able to in the next 5 years, and that’s just fine with me. I didn’t want a house at 23- soubds awful. I was still traveling all the time and about to go away to law school.

        I absolutely get the advantages of a LCOL area, but the narrowness of vision that makes you struggle to understand why anyone would want a HCOL area is the type of parochial attitude I want to avoid.

        • Anonymous

          And you’re a huge snob. There are plenty of low-medium cost of living places that have professional sports teams, excellent restaurants, world class museums and the ballet. There are also places that are as liberal as the bay area that are way cheaper (like Oregon). You can say that Texas isn’t for you, fine, but acting like SF and other super expensive cities like NYC are the only places in the US with interesting stuff to do is also a “parochial attitude.”

        • Anonymous

          Pretty sure there are fewer guns in Austin than in Oakland.

          Signed,
          Not a Texan but still offended by your comments about Texas.

        • Anon

          The restaurant that many people consider to be the best in the US is in a town with a population of less than 3,000 people, more than an hour outside any major city. Just sayin’.

          • Anon

            I was thinking of the French Laundry (and others in Napa, which is admittedly not a LCOL area, but is a heck of a lot cheaper than SF). The Inn at Little Washington in Virginia is also supposed to be amaze. Now I have to look up Chef & Farmer.

          • Anonymous

            I think of the Inn at Little Washington as DC-area (even though past where people reasonably commute from).

            I thought I had to get proposed to or have an anniversary to go there, so I’ve never been. I thought it would be weird to make the trek with just friends or a casual guy.

            Is it that good? Like good without getting a diamond at end end of the meal good?

          • Em

            But part of the reason Napa has prospered is because of its proximity to the Bay Area.

          • Anon

            I’ve never been, but I’m very into fine dining and have heard it named dropped as a top restaurant in the US. I mentioned it because it’s not in a major city. Whether it’s worth it depends on how much you like that kind of restaurant. I don’t know how much this specific restaurant is, but my husband and I go out to eat sometimes at $200 a head places even when it’s not a special occasion, because we really like that kind of food and visiting those restaurants is kind a hobby for us (and we don’t spend money on much other discretionary stuff, like fancy clothes or cars).

        • Texan

          You can go to jail for carrying guns without a permit here as well. I’ve never seen a gun on anyone in public other than a police officer (not to say they aren’t there, but concealed carry requires a license) other than at a gun range. I have world class museums, the opera, and the ballet. No hockey – I’ll concede that one, but I do enjoy that we have some incredible high school and college (depending on the year) teams in case you get bored with the professionals.

          I said I struggle to understand it – not that I don’t get it. I understand loving where you live and think that is critically important to one’s quality of life. But I struggle with understanding how so many people I know in NYC and California think those are the only good options. There is probably a list of 100 cities I would love to live in here in the US and the list grows exponentially larger when I consider the whole world.

          • NH & VT

            You can open carry here (only need a permit to conceal carry) and people do. We are also the political forefront so everyone comes here to make a statement. Some guy was open carrying an AR up and down a busy road “because you can.” The poor local police had to go on the news to say please stop calling us about him. We are aware and are doing what we can but you are making 911 go down with all of your calls. So, if you don’t want to be part of gun culture, it’s not Texas you have to worry about. Avoid the Live Free or Die state.

          • TXLawyer

            The Houston Ballet is the 4th largest professional ballet company in the country. It has a $50M+ annual endowment. It’s not exactly playing in the minor leagues.

          • Anonymous

            Yes! I encounter so many who think there’s a huge void outside of NY and CA. The snobs’ and their disgust are so aggravating.

          • Anonymous

            This is crazy. Opera? Opera? I went as a kid and thought it was neat. Now, I find that it is really, really expensive. I feel justified buying CDs of the music but I don’t think I’d ever regularly attend. Certainly not what I’d factor in when linking of where to live. And the last time I went to the opera, I was about a quarter to a third of the average age of attendees.

        • TXLawyer

          “Here, I can go to world class museums, opera, and ballet, and do at least once a month. Here, I can cheer on two local baseball teams, two local football teams, two soccer teams, and three hockey teams. Here, when I go to the best restaurant in town it’s also one of the best in the world.”

          Obviously I’m biased but you could write this as “Here [in Texas]” and it would still be true. And throw in a couple of professional basketball teams. Granted, you’re not going to get the feel of San Francisco in one city (Austin lacks the sports teams and big metropolitan arts scene, while Houston has all of that and more but lacks the natural beauty of Austin), but Texas has LCOL, no state income tax, a generally healthy economy, etc. I like in a 2400 sq ft home in a suburb that I bought the year I graduated law school for $120k (in the last decade). It’s not decked out, but home ownership was not a unicorn for me.

          • TXLawyer

            Right?

            Look, I get that Texas is not California. I love LA. Love love love visiting, renting a convertible, drinking mojitos on the beach. But home ownership and debt-free living and early retirement would be unachievable for me there (or at least far more unlikely).

            I enjoy living in a LCOL area that still has amazing food, fantastic entertainment, access to an international airport, a healthy job market, etc. For that I give up being surrounded by people who are politically like-minded and gorgeous weather 300+ days a year (among other things).

            It’s just about priorities. If early life home ownership is important to you, living in Silicon Valley is not ideal. But if you want something Silicon-Valley-Lite and to own a home in your 20s, Austin fits the bill!

          • Anonymous

            Ummm ok, but TX is huge? So you can’t have all this stuff at once? And if you think your arts are world class I feel sorry for you.

            YOU are the one who couldn’t understand how anyone could possibly value things you don’t or have different preferences, not me!

          • Anon

            I don’t see how TXLawyer is missing the idea that people could have different preferences. She said that Texas is better than California *for people who value home ownership* and certain other things, and acknowledged that there are advantages to California (politics and weather) that she gave up by choosing to live in Texas.

            Anonymous, YOU are the only person on this thread being close-minded. Your statement that “If you think your arts are world class I feel sorry for you,” in addition to being rude, is incredibly close-minded. Because the only cities in the US with great arts are NYC & SF, right? Yeah, no.

          • TXLawyer

            Thank you for your pity. It’s a bummer living in a city with multiple theatre companies, a ballet company, a symphony orchestra, an opera, 20 museums within 1.5 miles of each other, dozens of music venues, countless clubs, half a dozen universities each with their own theatre/dance/music programs.

            Well… except that I said the total opposite. I can absolutely see how you could value living in a HCOL area because of access to certain things. But I object to the idea that in order to own a home you have to live in backwoods West Virginia (no offense to WV, your state is beautiful). I think San Fran is gorgeous, and all other things being equal, would love to live there, but Texas is not a giant hell hole in the middle of America. It has its own merits, among them an ability to purchase a home at a low(er) cost.

          • Art in the Fly-over States

            Anon @ 3:26 – I wouldn’t be surprised if Texas has a world-class collection of Latin/Central American and Western Art. Might not be Impressionists or Modern, but as anyone who knows art knows, there is beauty to be found in many things. And the person who narrowly defines the worth of art by what other people think is closed minded and doesn’t understand art.

      • Emmer

        I actually didn’t read the poster’s handle and thought they were in Chicago. Nearly all of the same can be said for Chicago. (I wouldn’t want to live in Texas either).

        • Texan

          My best friend is in Chicago and I love it. Such a beautiful city. If I could figure out how to live there from April – October, I will be all over that (but I like my warm winters).

          • Anonymous

            Crime and schools? I think Chicago is neat in the loop, but I think that most people I know who aren’t in their 20s in Wrigleyville live outside of Chicago proper. And the whole alderman thing — that is real?

          • seen em all

            Chicago is enormous. There are literally millions of people in city proper – most of whom do not live in Wrigleyville nor are in their 20s. (Sure there are millions more in “Chicagoland,” but city proper is enormous with a lot of different areas.) I know many people of all ages who own homes within city limits, of all types of careers. I have lived in NYC, LA, and Chicago, and Chicago is by far the biggest secret – huge city with comparable job market/salaries and cultural aspects (museums and restaurants ranked best in the world) but with a far lower cost of living than the coasts. It’s not as low as Texas, true, but it a fantastic city.

        • OP

          I’d live in Chicago (and heard amazing things about the city) except it’s 2000 miles from all family / friends and I just cannot stand the cold. I get really grumpy when it’s in the 50s so Chicago winters… brrrrrrrr.

      • Anon

        As someone who has lived in both HCOL and LCOL areas, I am a born and bred big city girl at heart.

        1. LCOL areas are “a great place to raise a family,” but some are single without kids.
        2. LCOL areas are more conservative, and some are liberal.
        3. LCOL areas usually have horrible public transit, but if they’re small, they are bikeable.
        4. LCOL areas have less to do, especially if you don’t drink. In my big-city hometown, I can find several things to do that suit my interests, location and budget, every day of the year.
        5. LCOL areas do not always get certain independent movies, but with the web, that’s less of an issue.
        6. LCOL areas often have less diversity and people who have less cultural awareness, which is unpleasant when hearing people make ignorant assumptions about other groups.
        7. LCOL areas may not sell the goods and servicesin brick-and-mortar stores to meet certain cultural needs.
        8. A person with niche interests might have a harder time finding a place to do them in a LCOL. It’s not a problem for people with mainstream interests.

        LCOL are great when they meet your needs! You get to enjoy life and save money.

        Texan, some people are easier to please. You are lucky to be among them.

      • s-non

        My problem with the politics is the state laws and regulations that I would so strongly disagree with and knowing me and/or my neighbors were impacted by those laws. Admittedly I’ve never done extensive research into this, but what about public schools in Texas? I keep hearing that they’re editing US history. I 100% support moving out of the super HCOL cities and recently moved from NYC myself, but will never find myself in the cheapest cities in the US.

        • TXLawyer

          The Texas Board of Education is a mess and they do make really outrageous decisions concerning curriculum and textbooks, no doubt but that being said- US News ranks public high schools annually- 4 of the top 10 are in Texas. On the other hand, it apparently ranks 39th overall in education (though that might factor in dollars spent, which we definitely are low in). It’s probably like a lot of states where the quality of education varies widely depending on the part of the state, size of the city, tax base, etc.

          I think a lot of the national opinion about Texas is understandably colored by the outrageous and extreme news stories that make the national stage. And that’s not to say there aren’t crazy people I’m politically opposed to and backwards school administrators. There definitely are. Especially outside of the major cities. But the mayors of Houston, San Antonio, Dallas, Austin, El Paso, etc are all Dems, the demographic of Texas is changing rapidly (historically speaking) and an influx of people from other states like California (believe it or not!) means that even though at a state-wide level Texas is run by Republicans, the impact of that is blunted (pun intended) at the local level by liberal leaning city governments. There’s a lot left to be desired, no doubt, and I’m rarely proud to live in Texas based on politics, but I suspect things will change slowly.

          (And now it’s time to collect my check from the Texas Chamber of Commerce)

          • Texan

            The really crappy part about the textbook thing is that even if you avoid Texas, you may be stuck with the results because the state has so much buying power that the textbook publishers then sell our books in many other states. Sorry for that.

            That said, in at least the better school districts, I’ve gotten the impression that many history teachers supplement the textbooks in order to provide a more accurate history.

            Also, never meant to turn this into a “how great is TX” but wanted to point out that even though HCOL areas have a HCOL because they are desirable to so many, there are lots of really incredible cities all around the country that have many (though not all) of the same benefits.

      • Anonymous

        It might work for you, but I really do not like most of Texas. Austin is fine, but then you live in a very small city in the middle of nowhere and everything is so spread out. I know cities like Houston have “stuff,” but it’s a whole different ball game to me. Downtown Houston is like a charmless void and stuff is OK, but I’ve never had an amazing meal there or seen any amazing piece of culture. That’s why people aren’t salivating to live there. Cities that aren’t densely populated seem lacking to me.

    • Anon

      We are avoiding moving to Bay Area specifically for the housing situation. Both me and my husband can get better paying job there with ability to move from one company to other without disrupting our lives. But we are not sure if it is worth staying in an apartment/condo forever as I really miss having a garden in our apartment now, but we can easily buy a house here with a yard.

    • Anonymous

      I have several friends who fled the bay area for Austin and they are all very happy there. Austin has a lot in common with the bay area including liberal politics, warm weather, a great food scene, and lots of tech jobs, without the crazy traffic and cost of living.

    • Legally Brunette

      I was raised in the Bay Area and love it, but I don’t see myself moving back — partially for the housing bubble, but mostly because of the horrendous traffic and the suburban sprawl. I have become too accustomed to small, navigable east coast cities when you can either walk most places or hop on the subway and be on your way in no time.

      • Anonymous

        I’m from the NYC urban sprawl, and while I love NYC, I’d have to be a powerball winner to be willing to live there as a grownup with a job and kids. So happy to be beyond the communal laundry in the basement with never enough dryers.

        • Legally Brunette

          I have never lived in NYC. I’m thinking of the smaller east coast cities like Philadelphia, Boston, DC, etc. Still HCOL but so much easier to live in than the Bay Area. And no need for communal laundry either!

          • Anon East Coaster

            I grew up going to NYC pretty often, museums, ballets, broadway, statue of liberty, etc, and I spent a few years right outside of Philly. Living in NYC in your 20’s is probably fun and exciting, but raising a kid in NYC without a high income is probably pretty difficult. I think Philly is doable though! Except I don’t know about their school situation for children, public or private. I’ve always been the type to live in the suburbs, but close enough to a city for fun on the weekends. I’m just too spoiled by the conveniences of the suburbs.

      • Need to Improve

        I think of SF as the quintessential “small, navigable” city. It’s 7 by 7 miles. You can get anywhere very easily with no car. I don’t think horrendous traffic and suburban sprawl are issues in the city. They are issues if you live on the peninsula. Which most of us in SF think of as the suburbs . . .

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

          Maybe these things were true about SF at some point, but not anymore. It is terrible to try to get almost anywhere without a car. The traffic in the city itself is very heavy, and commuting to the valley from the city is worse than LA traffic now.

        • Anonymous

          HAHAHAHAHA. SF is the one of the most difficult cities to navigate without a car in the US. There is no public transportation to speak of & it’s not a walkable city by any means.

        • Alana

          Isn’t SF known for being quite hilly? Hills play a huge role in how easy it is to navigate a city without a car.

          • Anonymous

            Yes. I would much rather trek three miles in flat NYC, even in cold, snowy weather, than walk one mile on the stairmaster that is SF. Look, I love visiting SF. It has a lot going for it and it’s a beautiful place, but it is NOT a walkable city and has a subway system that is only slightly better than LA’s (that is to say, terrible). A car is absolutely essential.

          • August

            It is very hilly and roads with 45 degree inclination are so common. I a so scared to drive in SF. We live in CA, but in a small town. We visit SF every couple months for fun and I never drive in the city. It is always my husband’s job to drive in SF.

        • Nope

          Sorry, but you guys are wrong. I live in SF and go everywhere without a car. I had a freaking baby in this city with no car. So I disagree. The people who say they “can’t” get around by car did not bother to familiarize themselves with bus routes or are too lazy to walk up hills.

          • Anonymous

            Good for you. But compared to NYC, Chicago, DC, Philly, Boston, Seattle and many other US cities, it is not that navigable on foot or public transit. People are not saying it’s not possible to live there without a car. People are challenging the description of SF as “the quintessential small, navigable city” which is something that anyone who has visited knows it’s not.

        • Unsub

          You don’t think there is horrendous traffic in SF? I was there last week and could not believe how long it took me to traverse the city. Just as bad as LA.

    • Need to Improve

      I live in SF in a small house. I am happy here, but I don’t need a ton of space (despite having kids). If you want a ton of space, you should not stay here. If you are happy raising kids in 1200-1800 square feet, then you will be fine.

      • OP

        I’m PERFECTLY fine with a small house – 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom bungalow or condo or townhouse sounds about perfect to me. I’ll give up a lot to stay in the bay area, including having kids. The trouble is that even these “starter” homes seem to be out of reach when they cost $800K+.

        • Anonymous

          I’m PERFECTLY fine with a small house – 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom bungalow or condo or townhouse sounds about perfect to me. I’ll give up a lot to stay in the bay area, including having kids. The trouble is that even these “starter” homes seem to be out of reach when they cost $800K+.

        • August

          +1. Seriously, giving up having children just to live in a city you are finding difficult to afford without children?

          • OP

            To be fair, I’m ambivalent about kids. But I know I really want to live in the bay area. It’s like me saying… I’ll give up having a 3,000 sq ft house. But I don’t care that much about having a McMansion (not to say kids = McMansion), and so it’s easy for me to give it up.

        • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

          I didn’t realize I wanted children until I left the Bay Area. Not a cognizant “I am giving up kids to live here” thing, but more of a feeling that I couldn’t afford them anyways so meh.

        • Need to Improve

          It’s true. You need $800K for a starter house. If you can pull that together, you can live here AND have kids if you are willing to forego the McMansion dream. At today’s mortgage rates, a started house is certainly cheaper than renting in SF. But it’s still a lot of money. I don’t think you need a $300K salary to make it happen, but you do need $200K.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I recently left due to housing costs, not liking it, and for family reasons. No regrets.

    • Ebro fin

      I’ve heard rumor that there are places besides NY / CT / NJ, but I am not sure if that is true.

    • profmama

      With increasing congestion, crazy housing prices, and sense of entitlement, definitely! But we’re pretty much bound here by two decent jobs in our respective fields that would be hard to find elsewhere. Doesn’t mean we don’t spin out scenarios of living in small mtn towns.

      Lots about folks around me are talking about moving to Austin or Portland, OR. Both of those are appealing.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      It isn’t HCOL area or LCOL area. There are things in between, moderate cost of living (MCOL) if you will? There are lots of cities that have a MCOL and plenty of things to do, good places to eat, etc.

      And not everyone defines HCOL the same way, which makes this conversation hard. I think we can all agree that NY/SF are HCOL. But for people coming from those areas, basically anything else seems downright cheap. I moved from SF to LA, and I would classify LA as a MCOL area. (The amount I save on housing costs is staggering, while living in a nicer neighborhood and a nicer and larger apartment. I can actually save to buy a home someday!) But I am sure others would consider it HCOL.

  5. Looking for Oregon Recommendation

    Does anyone have a recommendation for an attorney in Oregon who regularly handles pre-nups and estate issues? Specific experience with second marriages and keeping finances separate would be ideal. Ideally around Portland. TIA.

  6. Anon

    I just wanted to check with you guys if you all are loyal to your firm/company, identify with what it stands for and have internalized your company values and goals similar to a person who belongs to a cult?I am amused by an article which teaches you how to develop a cult like organization as they are very successful due to employees being so dedicated (devoted?) to the company. I felt it was very manipulative.

    • Anonymous

      I’m an ENTP, which I think is a very cult-resistant personality type.

    • Anonymous

      I am, actually. I think my friends find it unnerving because I work for a company that is in the news all the time, but I do believe in what we do, and I think it’s really important. So yes, I’ve had gallons of kool aid.

    • Meg March

      So manipulative! I have a friend who we always joke is a Kool-Aid drinker. He is ALL ABOUT every job he has, his company can do no wrong, etc. And it’s him, not the company– his girlfriend and another of our friends currently work for the same company, and do not have the same attitude. But I think it’s just his personality (he’s that way with girlfriends too– every girl he dates “might be the one!”). On the one hand, it seems rather sheep-like, but on the other hand, he’s always very satisfied with his job/life and looking for ways to better the company means he’s gotten promoted quickly and is doing interesting work. And he’s not so brain-washed that he would never leave– he’s looking for a new job now, but it’s for opportunities he can’t get in his current position/company.

    • Anon OP

      I am thinking about this article because recently, I have seen an increase in my top management expecting an emotional connection (attachment?) to the work we do. They are not satisfied with great work, they want us to live and breathe what we do. I was a person who derived a lot of self-worth from the work I did. However, now I am at a state where I do lot of work but no attachment to it. I expect to be fairly compensated for my time and results. But beyond that, I feel nothing. I don’t get stressed about my job at all. I objectively see if I have done everything I could do to achieve a goal, if I am convinced that I have done a good job, I stop thinking about it. I don’t identify myself with my job anymore. However, these days I feel I have to act excited and passionate at whatever management says to prove my loyalty.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I work in regional biglaw and my firm is all about the firm culture, etc. I love working at the firm, and definitely drink the Kool-Aid.

    • Anon

      I like my company, and see value in what it does, which helps me feel that my work is important and contributes to society. I also feel that it is a pretty good work place with good benefits and I like my coworkers. This is particularly true after working at bad workplaces with not-so-good coworkers in the past, so I realize I have it very good. As such, I care about doing a good job and contributing to the company. But I don’t know that I have an emotional connection to my job (other than being grateful I have a good job with good benefits and a good work-life balance). It’s a job. It has its faults that would stop me from having a cult-like devotion to it (I’m looking at you no sick days or maternity leave). I also don’t feel like my management expects any unrealistic devotion from me, though.

    • hoola hoopa

      I truly believe that my org does good, important work and I’m proud of us and what we do. They also have my loyalty as an employee because the compensation is good, work/life balance incredible, and environment positive. A significant percentage of the folks here stay for 20-30+ years, so they do have a lot of loyalty. But I wouldn’t say that I’ve internalized your company values and goals similar to a person who belongs to a cult. Plus, I could list things about my org that could be improved. I’ve also worked similar positions for similar length of time at similar orgs and did not feel so positive, so it’s not just my personality. If they started to make unrealistic demands of me, I’d change my tune.

      A major employer in my region has mastered the dedication kool aid, and I commonly interact with employees in various social circles. It’s so crazy!

  7. Seeking lawyer in Chicago

    A contact of mine is looking for a Chicago lawyer that could look over an employment contract prior to her signing it. Anyone have any recommendations? TIA!

    • Jules

      Hope you’re still checking this. Try Robin Potter, Robin Potter & Assoc., 312-861-1800 or N. Elizabeth “Liza” Reynolds, Allison, Slutsky & Kennedy, 312-364-9400. Both do mainly labor law (union side) but either can do individual employment issues or can give a referral.

  8. lawsuited

    Is this dress appropriate for a client’s holiday party?

    http://www.amazon.com/London-Times-Womens-Plus-Size-Scallop/dp/B00ZBO000U/ref=pd_sim_sbs_193_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=31725PxsN9L&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL200_SR154%2C200_&refRID=0VMFBW7MF3DV5ZMG5DNZ

    According to my colleagues, c*cktail dresses, rather than suits, are the standard for female associates. I know the skirt is a bit flouncy, but my hips of justice mean that all sheaths require heavy tailoring which I can’t get done by date of the party, so I have to go with an A-line.

    • KateMiddletown

      Cute! I’d go for a less strappy shoe than pictured, but I’m a fan.

      • lawsuited

        I’m planning to pair it with nude hose and pointy-toed emerald green suede pumps, and I’ll wear my bob straight (rather than curled) so the outfit overall reads less “pretty party dress”.

    • emeralds

      If it’s a business occasion where the men will be in business-standard suits, I would wear a suit with fun shoes or sparkly jewelry, or at the very least suiting separates. IDGAF what the other women are wearing if I’m there in a professional, not ornamental, capacity.

      • mascot

        Depends on when the party is. If it is after-work, sure, go suit-ish. If it is on a weekend, I’d say wear something dressy. A conservative cocktail dress is fine.
        The whole “what will a man wear” argument is a bit of a mislead here- men’s business attire and men’s cocktail attire are both a suit. Women’s cocktail attire and business attire are different.

        • KateMiddletown

          If her colleagues told her the female associates wear cocktail dresses, why is this even a question?

      • lawsuited

        It’s an evening c*cktail party. The difficulty is that men usually wear suits to the office and to c*cktail parties, whereas women wear suits to the office but tend to wear c*cktail dresses to c*cktail parties. I was planning to wear a suit, but a colleague told me that the norm is to wear a party dress, which is why I’m in this mess.

  9. SF in House

    We’re having an open house this weekend, expecting ~50 people over a 5 hour period, children and adults. I need menu help, preferably things that won’t require a lot of in the kitchen time. So far I’m thinking of a spiral cut ham with rolls and condiments, meatballs, salmon (smoked or broiled?), crudités, and cheese. What else? Make ahead cocktail?

    • MJ

      Costco has bomb party trays. The ham sounds great.

      I also love (Christmas) cookies or small desserts for open houses at the holidays.

      Enjoy!

    • Jelly

      I am doing the exact same thing this weekend, so I’ll be following for food recs.

      As far as cocktail, I have my heart set on something warm. I was going to do mulled wine. But now, with inspiration from a party I went to last weekend, I am buying a fruity, wintery drink from Trader Joe’s (sorry I can’t remember the specific name – let me know if you want me to post it tomorrow and I will). I am going to keep it warm in the crock pot and have a bottle of spiced rum nearby. It’s delicious and this way kids can partake in the “fancy” drink and adults can control their rum intake.

      • profmama

        Norweigan Glugg is easy to make the day before – basically, mulled wine – and then keep warm on the stove.

    • Meg Murry

      I think that sounds pretty good to me. If you wanted to, you could add hummus as a dip choice for the veggies, or maybe a side like pasta salad or mac and cheese in a crock pot. Or if you think people will be more nibbly instead of eating a full meal you could add some premade frozen appetizers.

    • Need to Improve

      I like doing this and buying everything at the store. Whole Foods has all of this, which is my go-to menu for heavy app parties:

      A quiche or two, sliced into small slices
      Cocktail shrimp
      Assorted cheeses
      Plater of salumi
      Cured salmon
      Olives
      Fresh spring rolls (pre-made)
      Sushi (pre-made, like from whole foods)
      Cornmeal crust pizzas, sliced into small pieces
      Roasted vegetables
      Meatballs
      Cookie or truffle platter

    • Unsub

      I’m impressed that you’re having 50 people over this weekend and just finalizing your menu. Sadly, I’d have been planning and making myself crazy for weeks by now. Kudos to you. Teach me how.

  10. TigerMom

    Just a Secret Santa rant: I just received a banged up box of chocolates that expired in June 2015. I still ate them because… well… it is still chocolate!

      • Traditionalist

        Eww, yes, it totally does — you’ve never gotten that one weird Snickers that is kind of turning white? So gross.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t think expiration is why they turn white. I think it’s just if the candy hasn’t been tempered or exposed to weird temperatures it can push off certain fats, etc. Don’t quote me on that.

          • Wildkitten

            Yeah the whiteness is a tempering thing. I don’t think chocolate expires.

          • Traditionalist

            Good to know — thanks! Still won’t be eating it, but nice to have an explanation. :)

        • Anonymous

          Yeah it turns white when it melts and reforms but I think that only happens to low quality candy as a result of something to do with the tempering process.

          • Wildkitten

            Melting and reforming will throw off the tempering of high quality chocolate too. I think people just don’t leave expensive chocolate in the car on accident as often as they do with a snickers.

        • Anonymous

          I’ve bought chocolate that looked like that, and also had large bubble-like holes in it and it was not at all cheap (Alter Eco at WF prices) nor close to expired. It was summer though and I’m guessing it sat on a truck for too long. I was going to return it, but I ate the evidence.

      • Lyssa

        We made up some wedding-themed labels to put over Hershey bars for our wedding in, oh, 2001, and kept a few for sentimental reasons. But I’m pretty sure that my 2 year old found and ate one a few months ago.

    • Ellen

      This is so funny! Sheketovits used to get me cheap chocolate’s from CVS, some of which were schmusshed and probabley outdated. Even tho I LOVE chocolate, I would NOT eat those cheap old chocolates. I told him that if he wanted to fatten me up, he would have to do so with Godiva or other equivelent quality chocolates, as determined by ME. He never gave me better chocolates, and I did NOT miss that. Speaking of which, I have actually put on 3 pound’s since Thanksgiving. FOOEY! So I would not even eat good chocolates if any one gave me some, but I have NO boyfreind to give me any chocolates (or anything else). DOUBEL FOOEY!

      • CMC

        Your Secret Santa gift, however, is pretty terrible, mitigated only by the fact it may still have been tasty.

  11. Tenure Interview Advice?

    Question for my fellow academics out there who has been up for tenure or other professionals who have done similar performance interviews: I am an assistant prof up for tenure and will have my interview with the tenure/promotion committee (5 of my senior colleagues). It is said to be relatively informal, but they will likely ask me questions regarding my tenure dossier- teaching/research/service/advising are the major areas. It is a small liberal arts school. Any suggestions? Any idea of questions that are typically asked? Think I will wear a grey suit. I am feeling quite nervous, though I am confident about my qualifications. High stakes when I realize the outcome is secure employment and promotion to associate professor or having to find a new tenure-track job. Yikes. TIA!

    • Meg Murry

      Not an academic, but I live in a town with a SLAC, so lots of academic friends. Here, it is generally said that they are pretty open and if you aren’t going to be granted tenure you will know it well before the interview, at least in most departments.

      Do you have anyone who has recently gone through the process but isn’t on the committee you could ask?

      Any red or yellow flags that you suspect they will ask? Have you published as much as is typical in your department? How are your student surveys? Is there anything you’ve been involved with that isn’t part of your file already?

    • JP

      I am a second-year assistant professor, but a bunch of colleagues with whom I am friendly have recently gone through the tenure process, so I’ve been hearing a lot about it lately. Any recently-promoted associate profs (with whom you were friendly when you were both assistant profs) that you can have lunch or coffee with and discuss the environment of the meeting, types of questions, etc?

      Some things I’ve heard come up–Do you have an idea from your annual reviews/3rd year review what your perceived weaknesses will be? Have you looked at your third year review and have evidence of improvement or progress on the points brought up there? Plans for the next five to ten years (to demonstrate that you won’t be deadwood once you get tenure)?

      I really like the blog Tenure, She Wrote–it’s women from all different points in the academic employment continuum writing about their jobs, experiences, etc.

      Good luck!

    • Sarabeth

      Whoa, I teach at a SLAC, and I find the idea of a tenure *interview* super weird. We do not have an interview here, nor have I ever heard of it from friends at other institutions. I will say that, in general, teaching and research are almost always the actually-important areas. If you had any courses with bad evals, be prepared to talk about what you’ve changed. Definitely be prepared to talk about your future research plans. But I just find this whole idea so odd.

      • anon prof

        Ditto. I have 15+ years of teaching in 2 tenure-track gigs at SLACs and tenure at one of them, and I’ve never heard of a tenure interview. I agree with being able to address any perceived weaknesses, such as low course evals or the perception of not enough quality or quantity of pubs, and discussing future plans regarding teaching, research and service. But all that is usually done in the statements that are part of the tenure dossier. Interesting….

    • profmama

      No tenure interview at my institution, either. Just a committee review of the dossier, and then letters/ recos to the committee and dean. The suggestions to talk with someone whose been through it recently are good, as are the suggestions to anticipate questions, as you would before any interview, and be prepared with answers. Be ready to clarify anything that looks like a ‘difficulty’ in your files – fewer pubs b/c you were on maternity leave? A less than stellar set of teaching evals b/c you had three new preps that semester? Show that you have learned from challenges, and have plans to continue to improve your performance.

  12. Advice

    I posted a long message asking about performance reviews, but it has been eaten up and it’s been long enough that I think it’s worth posting again.

    I’ve read some articles about performance reviews, but they all seem to focus on bad feedback or asking for a raise. I just started my first job and have been here less than 6 months. There is a huge, anticipated learning curve for my position and I think I am catching on quickly, but I’m certainly not adding value to the company yet (and likely won’t be for a while). I’d like to talk about wanting more education opportunities (though finding them is challenging – tiny niche field) because I think that shows I’m dedicated to learning and becoming more useful as quickly as possible, but I don’t know what else to talk about. I wrote up a long evaluation of everything I’ve been doing/learning that the reviewer has seen, but is there something else I should be preparing? How do these things usually go? Should I expect to be talked at or is this more interview-like where I need questions/statements ready to go.

  13. Dulcinea

    I know this is probably a minority opinion but I’m scrounging for sympathizers….anyone else hating the unseasonably warm weather? I personally like the cold and I like overcast days and I even like a (small amount) of snow on the ground. We had a very warm and sunny summer so summer lovers had their turn; I want my winter!! (I’m in eastern ma). Bueler?

    • JJ

      Agree! I’m in Texas (boo, hiss apparently), but we have four seasons usually. It’s 70 degrees today. I want it to be cold so I can bundle up with a blanket in front of the fire. Not sweat when I walk to lunch.

      • Dulcinea

        Yes!! I love bundling and I can’t even west a coat in this weather. Also I just find cd & grey weather peaceful. Like the world is taking a nap. The sunshine and warmth makes it feel like the earth did some party d r u g s and has been up way too long !
        If that makes any sense…

    • TO Lawyer

      I’m not one of them but there are definitely people that agree with you. My boss keeps whining about the lack of snow and the fact that he can’t go skiing.

      I’m just really happy that I’m not freezing every time I step out the door. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually though!

      • Lyssa

        I hate the cold, and I always feel like that’s a minority opinion. We’re in the South – spells of weirdly warm weather in late fall/winter are entirely normal, but all people seem to do is complain about it!

      • lawsuited

        I also can’t shake the feeling that we’re going to pay for it with the worst February in recorded history or something….

    • Anonymous

      I’m trying to savor it bc I know it will be so cold soon, but this is my first winter in 10 years in a place that actually has winter and I just want some snow!

    • Brit

      I’m there with you – I love just a little bit of snow to make everything festive and the look of the mountains around us with their snow. Just, like an inch. That’s all I want for my birthday in two weeks.

    • lslsls

      I’m with you – I love the cold!! My sweater collection is going unloved, and I want to enjoy winter activities like iceskating already . The weather plus the fact that so many places have turned on indoor heating is making this balmy winter almost unbearable!

    • Anonymous

      yes! This Californian who currently lives in Chicago thinks this unseasonably warm weather is cr@p. It should either be warm (70-85) or snowing.

    • need cold for christmas

      MEEEETOOOOOO. It does not feel holiday-y at all around here and it is driving me crazy. I don’t like it one bit. We’re like 30* higher than average right now. I actually have only worn long unders a few times this season.

    • Anonymous

      It was 5 degrees on my walk to work today, so….it’s not really unseasonably warm in my city.

    • s-non

      I’m okay with this weather as long as the delayed start to winter doesn’t mean it will be cold through April and May. I’d much rather have the cold now than then.

    • Parfait

      Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, I have dug out my REAL winter coat that I usually only use when visiting the folks back in the midwest. Ack!

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, I have dug out my REAL winter coat that I usually only use when visiting the folks back in the midwest. Ack!

    • Anonymous

      I know I had my beautiful summer and I made damn sure I enjoyed the hell out of it, but I haven’t gotten over that 30+ days of 10 degrees we had in Jan & Feb in the NYC area, so I’m enjoying the warmer weather.

    • Anon

      I would gladly give you some of our weather! Denver got hit by an unexpected foot of snow last night which made for a beautiful two-hour morning commute…

    • LF

      We live in Vermont and spent $2000 on ski passes and new skis this year (that’s a LOT for us even though they were good deals) and… haven’t gone once even though our resort has been open since late November because the conditions are just so, so crummy. So yeah – bring on the snow please!! Or even just freezing temperatures so we can get some snowmaking done.

  14. Emmer

    I’m going to Patagonia in early January, staying in El Calafete. Anyone ever been? Any recommendations on hiking gear that I will need?

    • profmama

      Went there for my honeymoon! It was amazing! Trekking poles & ibuprofen are good for the elevation changes (my knees were really unhappy). Windproof/ waterproof jacket & pants. WARM stuff. I think I mostly wore all my clothes (long underwear, fleece, down, shell) all the time. Warm hat & gloves. Good boots, good socks. Water bottles.

    • Anonymous

      If you don’t already have them, get a nice pair of supportive hiking boots that are Goretex/waterproof.

  15. KateMiddletown

    In other news, I do love these shoes. I saw someone wearing a gold version (may have been M. Gemi) on the street with a black pair of leggings and black tunic sweater. It was super chic and I almost stopped her to let her know. (If we weren’t in the crosswalk I probably would have.)

  16. Anon

    I love a martini
    Two at the most
    Three I’m under the table
    Four I’m under the host
    -Dorothy Parker (sorta)
    -or me at the company holiday party last night

    Fortunately I only got to level 2.5 ish.

      • emeralds

        Learned the truth of this at my work holiday party last year! I was terrified to go in on Monday because of some ahem, NSFW dancing my BF and I had done…but all anyone talked about was Coworker A making out with Coworker B and the controller taking off his shirt and doing one-handled push-ups in the middle of the dance floor. My frat party-esque dancing wasn’t even on the radar.

  17. Anon

    Continuing your financial theme from a recent thread – what % of your salary do you save OTHER THAN for retirement in a 401k/IRA. I feel like 401k/IRAs are always talked about due to the 18k or 5.5k limits, but what are people doing other than that? Do you put the funds into an investment account or just leave in savings until they accumulate? How “strict” are you about this saving? Just trying to get ideas as I feel like I save whatever is “left over” every month, but haven’t set actual numbers that MUST be saved.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      In addition to maxing out my 401k, I save about 30-35% of my net income each month. I just save whatever is left over and don’t have a set amount per month. Some months it is more than others, others it is less. I have an investment account.

    • Traditionalist

      I’m a big proponent of “pay yourself first” so I am very aggressive with automatic transfers. I’m saving for a down payment, so between a brokerage account and a regular savings account, I have automatic transfers set up for about 50% of my net salary (after maxing out 401k and HSA). It doesn’t make me happy to have to dip into this, so I almost never do — having it already allocated is enough of a deterrent to keep me from spending it on stuff I don’t need. If I did it the other way around and just moved what was left over, I’m positive I would be saving way less.

      FWIW, I already have an okay emergency fund and a pretty detailed budget. I also have a way to handle irregular (i.e., not monthly) expenses, which I actually got from this s!te several years ago (thanks, Senior Attorney!). The above system is separate.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yay! I love the non-monthly-expenses system! Sounds like you are doing great all around!!

    • Anon

      I never got into the “pay myself first” mindset, so I just save whatever is left over (though the 401k obviously goes to 18k first). I find that amount to be consistent though — as I’m not the type who buys a lot of extra things; so if an extra $200 is left in my bank account, I’m much more likely to leave it there than to splurge on another pair of shoes or something.

      Wish I could be like the poster saving 50% of net. Just haven’t been able to do that ever while living in NYC or DC. While I don’t think I live fancy, I am at the life stage where I want to live nicely and in certain areas and that costs money. I think I was way more aggressive re saving when I first got out law school, and now 10 yrs later I don’t think about it as much.

    • Anon For This

      Aside from retirement, I save about 20% of my net pay each month, plus approximately 90-95% of my entire bonus each year (which is roughly about 30% of my total compensation for the year). As soon as I get paid, I automatically transfer 20% from each check into our savings account, and we then allocate it to whichever investment account we’re working on building at the time.

      I used to not pay myself first and just transfer what was left at the end of each month, but I found that if I didn’t move the money automatically, I would think “free money!” and spend it. I think I technically COULD save a little more each month, but I also really like to shop.

  18. Not a designer

    We are having three bedrooms painted and have oak trim, I need color ideas! The rooms are for two toddler boys and a guest room. I’m thinking gray as a neutral is pretty trendy and want to avoid it. Any suggestions for specific paint colors? I always chicken out and get colors that are too light and then wish I’d gone darker.

    • Anon

      Not gray! Oak has a warm tint in the yellow to orange range. A cool color like gray is never going to look right with it, nor would blue.

      You have to choose a paint color from a warm family (which really means has some yellow tint) so you could do warm beiges, if you want to go really neutral, or for more fun go with a fern green or a terra cotta shade.

    • Anon

      I just googled “warm paint to coordinate with wood trim” and clicked on images. Lots of inspiration there and I see green well represented.

    • regp03

      It’s kind of hard to say without knowing anything about the rooms. How big are they? Do they get a lot of natural light? How long do you want the color to last? And does the majority of your house lean toward warm or cool shades?

      I think if you can make yourself go bold, a true navy makes a gorgeous bedroom- mix in primary colors for a fun kids room (like this: http://projectnursery.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/red.jpg) that can switch to green, crimson, or gray as they get older (https://cdn.decorpad.com/photos/2013/07/10/1118aa3d60ff.jpeg) and white and metallics for a luxurious guest room (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/5a/42/6a/5a426ac5b8a54d228adaa681a91255c9.jpg).

      • OP

        The kids rooms are 13×13, 10 ft. ceilings, just one big window in each, so the possibility for natural light is there. The guest room is huge, and no natural light really (in basement). Neutral beige carpet. I was actually looking at navy, I may go for it! The ceiling and closet will remain white so I’m hopeful it won’t be so overpowering.

    • JP

      If, by any chance, you are in the Boston area, we had the Paint Whisperer come to our house last year. For $60, he went through every room and suggested colors and then left us with the swatches. We have zero color sense so it was money well spent. He’s a little kooky but we loved his suggestions and they all turned out great.

    • Snickety

      IMHO cool-toned colors coordinate nicely with warm-toned wood trim. Grey with blue or violet undertones in particular looks great with a gold-toned wood because they are complementary colors. If you don’t want a true grey, I would look at a gray-blue, gray-violet, or grey-green tone. Cool neutrals are soothing in bedrooms.

    • shadow

      I like using Houzz for this kind of thing. You can search and look through pictures and see what looks good to you.

  19. White elephant

    Can someone please explain the appeal of white elephant style gift exchanges? Particularly the ones where people are encouraged to bring tacky gifts? No one wants a cruddy gift, so why wouldn’t everyone just bring something nice, like beer or wine or sweets? I really do not understand.

    • c

      me either. I kind of hate them. I’ve had several fun gift exchanges that mercifully did not involve me bringing junk from around the house for someone else to take home to their houses:

      Exchanging lottery tickets (scratchers)
      P@ntY exchange for high school swim team (all girls)
      Bringing a gift you thought your assigned person would like as a child, then donating them to charity.

      • Anon Worker Bee

        The last one on your list sounds awesome! I don’t have any gift exchanges but if I did I would totally suggest that instead.

    • Anony

      I love white elephant gift exchanges with weird gifts! Especially when there are rules about how many trades, etc. True, no one wants anything crummy, but I love when people bring wacky stuff and certain things emerge as the “best” – like last year that I did this, it was a “Grow Your Own Mushrooms” mini farm that got passed around the most. It’s less fun if everyone is just opening booze and $20 gift cards.

  20. frustrated

    Any tips for dealing with a family member who has become toxic?
    My sister is repeatedly horrible to and about my fiancé despite his best efforts to be friendly with her and warm to her. For example, on a recent dinner that my parents had offered to take us on as a Christmas gift, my sister decided to join us at the last minute (at my parents’ expense) and whispered at me (in his earshot) the entire time that he was a freeloader for not paying for the dinner (note – we were profusely thankful and paid for the drinks as a token of appreciation). She also created a fuss about multiple aspects of our wedding – including by suggesting she wear her own wedding dress to my wedding as her MOH dress (not kidding) and when my fiancé mildly interjected to say that I should have some say in what my bridesmaids wear, she blew up at him and claimed that he was disrespecting her and interfering in ‘private sister of the bride family matters’ (i.e. by expressing an opinion about his own wedding). She also makes several condescending comments about his background (he’s from a different culture) and claims he shouldn’t have a say in a wedding of a different culture than his own. She also spends a lot of time trying to convince my mom (who likes my fiancé) that the two of us are selfish/rude/unappreciative/don’t deserve her contributions to the wedding etc. (My mom is not a huge fan of her husband and I feel like this is coming out of some warped sense of justice). If I try to say anything to her, I get a lecture about how sad it is that I can’t love my own sister and how I should tell my fiance to treat her better.
    I’m mainly looking for advice on (I) how not to engage, because my instinct is that this is unjust and she should know it, but I know that will backfire because she isn’t rational and (ii) how not to freak out that she’s going to ruin my wedding with her constant jabs, petty reactions and criticisms and random lies about his/my behavior. Help.

    • eeks

      I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this–I have no similar experience, but without knowing much more about the entire dynamic, my advice would be to say something to the effect of “these comments are not helpful, especially as they relate to my wedding” when appropriate. Kind of a “You know, sis, Fiance and I are going to work on planning our own wedding. We really appreciate your interest and enthusiasm, but we don’t want a lot of input right now. ”

      I’d have to say if it ventures much further, she doesn’t need to be a part of a ceremony that is supposed to be about you, your new-husband, your love, your faith and your commitment. If she can’t commit to supporting you as a sister, in partnership with this guy, then she really doesn’t need to participate. If she doesn’t like him so much, why is she insistent on being in the wedding at all?

      I hope you find peace.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Similar experiences here, but with my mom. I posted a few days ago that I decided to just not try to communicate with my mom about anything substantive, aside from logistical necessities since I am her caregiver. It makes me sad to do this, and I do feel guilty, but it will be lower stress for everyone involved. I have tried for decades to have a relationship with my mother, and that obviously isn’t going to happen. It seems like your experience with your sister may be similar?

    • Wildkitten

      Check out the Raised by Narciccists thread on Reddit. It’s about parents, not siblings, but the desire to wear their own wedding dress to your wedding is a shockingly common theme.

    • Anon

      I recently greatly reduced contact with one of my sisters. It breaks my heart in some ways, but I know my own mental health is better for it.

      Tension and toxicity have been building up for some time but she insulted my daughter and my other sister’s son in a series of texts that she thought were hilarious! (Suggesting that my 13 year old daughter is a lesbian because she plays a sport, telling my sister that she has never liked her step son – these are not hilarious) When I called her out on it – all I said was “rude” – she texted a diatribe about how it wasn’t my place to pass judgment on her. Multiple people and generations of our family were on this text. It was incredibly inappropriate.

      So that was my excuse to unfriend her on Facebook. I also blocked her phone number on my iPhone because I didn’t want to receive more texts. And I am Facebook friends with several coworkers, so I didn’t want them seeing any of her rants, which she probably would have posted directly on my page, because that’s her style – or she would have commented on things I posted in an extremely inappropriate, yet “hilarious” way.

      Basically, she is deeply insecure but portrays herself as better than everyone else. She can dish it out all day long but cannot take one ounce back in her direction.

      This was all about 6 months ago and I have to say, though I feel sad that we are no longer close, I am much more comfortable day to day not having her in my life. I have run into her at one family gathering and we exchanged a chilly superficial greeting with no conversation. (Was really glad she didn’t lose her sh1t at the gathering, but her adult daughter had begged her not to make a scene because her in-laws were there.)

      It’s sad, but I remind myself that we are all better off now. Including her.

      • OP

        “Basically, she is deeply insecure but portrays herself as better than everyone else. She can dish it out all day long but cannot take one ounce back in her direction.”

        This describes it exactly. It’s incredibly frustrating.

        • Wildkitten

          You might look up narcissism and see if it clicks with you.

          It doesn’t respond well to therapy or antidepressants, random Anonymous who is obsessed wit those.

  21. what's on today?

    What are you wearing today? In this crazy warm weather?

    I found a pair of new with tags JCrew plum-colored cords at the thrift store yesterday, and have paired them with a white & navy striped (like sailor stripe) v-neck t-shirt, navy cardi & navy/plum/turquoise/red print scarf, and brown flats.

    I was lucky enough to score some other great finds at the store–and ended up paying less than 7% of retail for these cords, a Loft dress, BR blouse & mountain hardware knit longsleeve shirt. I paid in total, less than any one single item would have been. BOOM.

  22. EU in-house Anon

    I’d really appreciate some advice on a colleague-related issue. I am in-house and work with a commercial manager who I usually get along with fine on a professional level but he does tend towards being slightly egotistical at times.

    A customer recently contacted this manager for our position on a currently-changing area of law. I drafted a response for this manager and we replied within a couple of days of the enquiry. Customer then sent a follow-up enquiry. I asked the manager to sit on this for a few days, hoping that we’d have better clarity on the question of law by the time the customer chased us. The customer has now (2 days later) chased. Fair enough, I’ll deal. But the issue is that the manager forwarded customer’s email to me saying that we can’t ignore this (I hadn’t asked for this, only that we bide our time) and that “to do so is unprofessional”. I read this as him calling ME unprofessional.

    I usually take a breath and suck up his sometimes snippy attitude this email has really got my goat. I really need some clear-headed advice on how to respond.

    • Anonymous

      Respond with an answer to the substantive question. Your initial advice wasn’t good- to the client, you ignored their question.

      • Anon for this

        In my field (IT) we would at least write back that we are researching the matter and will get back to the client in x days. We would never *not* respond for days to an email. But I have no experience with the legal industry so maybe this is normal. I know you see a difference between ignoring the client and biding your time, but to the client (and probably the manager) they are both the same — no response.

        • anon-oh-no

          this is what we do in the legal field too. you have to respond to clients as soon as possible, even if its with “ill get back to you”

    • Snickety

      The manager’s email to you was appropriate. It was not professional to “sit on” the email until the customer contacted you again. If you had some reason to believe the legal question would be clearer after some time had passed, you should have advised the customer that there would be a delay. Apologize to the manager and move on.

  23. FreeDrinksForGirlsInBikinis

    A new jnr lawyer has this sign hanging from his door. I haaate it. Whats a good way to tell him this is inappropriate for work ans sexist? I so tired of his Bro-ey bahavior

    • Wildkitten

      Do you have an HR? This shouldn’t be a peer conversation. This should be shut down immediately by management.

    • TXLawyer

      I told a colleague to take down the sign “A crazy redneck with a gun lives here” (There I go ruining any Texas goodwill I developed upthread) by saying “Take that sign down. It makes you look bad.”
      Also, why in the *world* did he think it would be ok to hang a sign like that on his door?!

    • Anon

      Uh, what? You’re kidding. I think I’d simply stop by and casually mention, “Hey, that sign? Not so office appropriate.” No need to make a big, formal thing out of it (unless he doesn’t comply), lest he get his back up. He’s obviously the type with no tolerance for “political correctness,” so anything that seems lecture-like might not be the best approach with this guy.

      But after that if he doesn’t take it down, I’d go guns blazing to a partner, HR, whoever.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        I agree. I’d say some like “Do you really think that sign is office appropriate?” I’m assuming your are not a junior attorney in the firm and he should get the hint. If he doesn’t, straight to HR! I would be nervous about someone with that kind of judgment, especially in 2015! He’s not Don Draper.

      • LAnon

        I wouldn’t even phrase this as a question or “teachable moment” about professionalism. Take the sign off the door and hand it to him, and say “This makes you look terrible. You’re welcome.”

    • Senior Attorney

      I asked my wife, “Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish?”

      She replied, “I think she’d prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick bastard.”

  25. Back to small town life?

    If you’re from a secondary market (think Richmond or Cleveland etc.) or from someplace far from any city (like central Pa. or rural North Carolina) but started your career in a big city like NYC, DC, Chicago etc. — have you/would you ever consider moving back even if it was a HUGE cut in money or you couldn’t get the same job? Esp. interested in lawyers or finance folks on this issue. Are there reasons BESIDES work that you WOULDN”T move back?

    • E

      If you’re from a secondary market (think Richmond or Cleveland etc.) or from someplace far from any city (like central Pa. or rural North Carolina) but started your career in a big city like NYC, DC, Chicago etc. — have you/would you ever consider moving back even if it was a HUGE cut in money or you couldn’t get the same job? Esp. interested in lawyers or finance folks on this issue. Are there reasons BESIDES work that you WOULDN”T move back?

    • Anon for this

      I did, although instead of taking a pay cut, future promotions are severely limited because I no longer work in the main office. I am happy with my role in the company and I was miserable in my old location so I gladly agreed. IT, not finance or law.

      If I did regret moving, it would only be because I am *too* close geographically to my family now and they want to spend way more time with me than I want to spend with them. I really wish there had been a way for me to move back and just not tell them.

    • Anon

      I’m in one of the cities you mentioned but I started my career here so it’s a bit different. Although I was in a much bigger city for school. I love it here. I’m in BigLaw (in an office of more than 200+ of one of the biggest firms in the world). I make slightly less than our NY/DC/CA offices but my money goes a lot further here. I’m in my late 20s and own a pretty large home in a nice suburb and have a commute of less than 30 minutes. I live next to a huge park/lake and actually have an active lifestyle here despite the long hours. I am happy with the culture too. There are museums, theater, concerts (most major acts stop here), and good restaurants to fill up my free time. I also have a great network of friends here. Mostly people I’ve known since childhood but also a fair number of transplants (I’m close to co-workers who moved here for the job). My family is within 10 minutes and are always able to help out (i.e. let the dog out when husband and I are working long hours). If/when we have kids, they’ll be a great help and reduce childcare expenses. I have no regrets about coming here right off the bat despite job offers in the major markets. The one thing that is a bit different for me from my school network in the Big City is that my network/friends here tend to be pretty homogeneous. All my friends are white, highly educated, married professionals so the viewpoints tend to be similar.

    • WJM-TV

      I’m from the middle of nowhere (as in 30 minutes to a movie theater), started my career in DC — I’m moving at the end of the month to a mid-sized city — think Omaha but in the south. I’m only moving “back” because my career has stalled in DC and the new city will give me hands-on experience (I’m in communications).

      Sometimes, you just have to move and deal with it. I’m sad to be leaving DC and my network here, but it’s got to be done. I guess if you really miss it, you can always visit. I do think I will stay in smaller towns/cities — it’s more a cultural thing and quality of life (I’m a weirdo who likes smaller towns and gets overwhelmed by bigger cities).

  26. Coworker Probs?

    Am a new-ish employee in a small group in the government. I like most of my colleagues so far — we’re all attorneys with varying backgrounds in the private sector, gov’t, or some combo. There is one woman however — who makes me want to jump off a bridge. She is SOOO nosy about everything but especially money. I came from a private sector role into the government and when I started — she directly asked — how much money did you make over there; how much does your apartment cost etc. I didn’t answer those questions, as I didn’t want to go down that road with a perfect stranger. Thus I stayed the hell away from her for my first yr at the agency. Now we’ve been staffed on a case together and are traveling together for a few weeks to a small city (so I can’t pretend that I have friends to meet up with after work etc), and the money talk WILL NOT STOP.

    She’s not directly asking those questions now, but it’s indirectly ALWAYS about money in those — WELL, I DIDN”T come from the PRIVATE sector; or oh I wouldn’t even WANT an apartment in Clarendon, I’m so much happier in a house in Columbia MD. Then there’s always subtle hinting about — people of YOUR generation don’t even WANT to buy a house or invest money. I just don’t respond to such commentary, bc I don’t talk to anyone about these things — let alone someone who is trying to ascertain my finances. She does this to everyone else in the office too and over the yrs, surprisingly people have given up enough info that she has figured out where they stand financially (or so she believes), but with me being the new person — she doesn’t know my deal yet.

    I can’t tell her to eff off bc I have to deal with her workwise. Is there a way to respond to this to make it clear that I have ZERO interest in her and her insecurities?

    FWIW — she has been in the gov’t for 20 yrs and never ventured into any private sector job or tried to move up in the gov’t; she’s a line atty/not management and is VERY curious about the lifestyles and ambitions of colleagues 10+ yrs younger than her.

    • bridget

      There are a lot of reasons why she could be doing this. Understanding those reasons might make it easier to tolerate her or to put an end to it, or maybe not.

      My advice into just say (nicely) “Excuse me?” Or “I prefer to not discuss personal things at work.”

      Thing is, and this took me a LONG time to learn, people who are used to getting juicy info won’t be deterred the first time. Then you feel like they don’t understand, so you change what you say. In their world, they are getting somewhere – your answer changed!

      So just keep repeating it over and over. No one at work will think less of you for giving that response, and she will eventually back off.

      • Senior Attorney

        I agree that whatever response you choose, just keep saying it over and over.

    • Anonymous

      Also, jfc, generational split. This is okay. My student loans largely prevent me from saving cash for a down payment right now, so I share an apartment at roommates with Arlington since I am rarely home anyway. I think there’s some evidence that the younger generation cares less about more space and more about experiences.

      Can you just tell her you’d rather die than live in Columbia? ;)

      • Anonymous

        Anyway, nosy people are gross. I’d do the Captain Awkward of, “Hmmmmmmm, you don’t say.” or “Fascinating” then turn the question back on her. “But tell me about Spot the Dog – is his tail feeling better?”

  27. Anon for this

    Might be too late for anyone to get this but I’m posting anyway and hoping for some responses. Things are going very poorly for me right now. Both my parents had serious medical scares – it seems like we’re coming through that tunnel but it was a very hard period. I also recently moved away from them so while I’ve been back to help a little, it’s been really hard to be away. My brand new marriage is a little stressed. Nothing terrible but DH and I are not connecting recently and when I try to talk to him about it he acknowledges the problem but does nothing. Now DH is having some trouble at work. He’d rather talk to his work buddies about it than me. I’m lonely in our new city and I don’t really like my new job. I feel like everything is going into the toilet. I hadn’t seen my therapist in some time but I had a session with him yesterday (before the DH work situation), but it didn’t really help. I just feel so lost and helpless and while I usually love the holiday season, I’m anything but jolly these days. After the health scares I finally thought things would get better and now this work thing…. I just don’t know what to do. I’d like some advice or just support.

    • Anon

      Oh wow, that is absolutely a lot to have on your plate. You definitely have my sympathy – any single one of those things would be stressful, much less all of them.

      As far as advice goes, I would suggest a couple things:

      – feeling lonely in a new city sucks SO much, and is made worse by people suggesting things like “take a class! join a gym! just get out there!” when that takes a lot of mental effort in itself. Instead, I would suggest leaning more on your existing support system – let a few close friends or family know that you are having a tough time and it would be good just to talk with them more regularly. Don’t feel like there is anything wrong with you if you don’t immediately leap into an exciting new social scene in your new city.

      – try to find some sort of physical activity that helps you get in a good frame of mind. For some people, this is hard workouts or long runs that wear them out. For others, this might be a walk in the morning, evening or at midday. The benefit of getting outside and getting moving is immense.

      – maybe decide that your husband’s work worries are something that can be off your list of things to worry about right now. You probably can’t help make it better, and he might be embarrassed to tell you about the problems. Give him some space to smooth things out at work and recognize that his work buddies (who know his projects, bosses, customers, etc) might be more helpful in this regard than you can be. He also is very aware of the stress you’ve been under and likely knows that you’re not very happy at the moment, and maybe doesn’t want to burden you with additional concerns.

      – keep up the therapy! :)

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, hugs to you! That is a lot to deal with!

        I second the suggestion that you step back from your husband’s work issues. It’s super stressful for you to be involved in that, plus it doesn’t really help him. So just let him handle it — he will thank you for trusting him to do so.

        Yes, exercise if you can. Even just a walk around the block.

        And yes yes yes, keep going back to your therapist.

        And here are more hugs!!

    • anon

      For work worries, it may be easier for his friends to be objective. Yes, you love him and care and all of that, but you are also financially connected to him. It’s hard to be 100% calm with your spouse who is lamenting that they are afraid of getting fired without also quietly freaking out about lost income. It could also be that he knows that you have a lot on your plate and doesn’t want to burden you further.

    • Anonymous

      How is your communication in less stressful times? You have a lot on your plate, so if you are used to communicating a certain way but that way doesn’t cut it under all this stress, learning new methods is also a lot to take on.

      I will say that I have done the sick parent thing, and my SO didn’t do much — in large part because he was scared and out of his depth. For me, it was fine — I didn’t want him to do anything but listen to me. Trying to fix things or console me too much would have made me crazy, but that is my own issue. If you need something else, you should tell him. I have also been through the work thing, and it can be crazy how we internalize that stuff. My SO has the same job I do and work is such a big part of our identities that it can be difficult to share with the person you care about the most how you are struggling/failing at something.

      All that to say that these things can snowball and feel overwhelming, particularly when it is always dark and you have plenty of time to stew. Exercise and therapy can help. Working on your communication with him (including discussing your hopes/expectations in these situations) can also help. But you can definitely make it through the other side of this.

    • Wildkitten

      I love the suggestion of leaning on the network you have. You won’t have to explain to those people all of the dynamics, you can just catch them up to support you. Your husband might feel the same about work issues – instead of reminding you who Bob is and what he does and why he sucks, he can just tell his colleagues “Bob sucks!” without expending the energy to lay out the whole situation.

      Can you take a weekend away with your husband? Can you take a weekend away to go visit your old friends? Can you give yourself a few days when you only have to deal with one issue instead of all of them at once?

      • Wildkitten

        And I love the idea of therapy – someone you can count on to help you figure out how to deal with things, which would be a LOT to ask a brand new friend in the city but good therapists are really good at.

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