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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Pleat Ponte Fit & Flare Dress

Work fit-and-flare dress - Ellen Tracy Pleat Ponte Fit & Flare DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reader S wrote in to note: “Kat — this new dress cropped up today on Nordstrom, and I've already placed an order: looks elegant and classic (love the not-too-high but work-appropriate neckline), plus it's machine washable!” Lovely! I like the square neckline (great for underneath sweaters and blazers) and the elegant fit and flare shape, and the fact that it's machine washable never hurt anyone. It’s $118 at Nordstrom. Ellen Tracy Pleat Ponte Fit & Flare Dress Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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306 Comments

  1. Sorry for the immediate TJ. Going super anonymous here and trying to keep these details as vague as possible. Warning that this is a very personal (and long) post. I honestly have no one to talk to about this.

    My parents are in a horrible, horrible financial place and I’m having a hard time even wrapping my brain around it, much less deciding what I should do. My father is a business owner and has been making extremely poor financial decisions for the past 10 years. In short, he should have cut his losses a decade ago, but instead has gotten into greater and greater debt— probably several million. He hasn’t taken a salary for the past 5 years. The only reason they have even been sort of OK is because my mom brings in a pretty impressive income. And despite that, they’re barely making it.

    My mom recently found out that their situation is even worse than she thought. She had gone to a financial advisor because she suspected this, and she was right. She thought all of the debt was in the company, but found out that there are hundreds of thousands of dollars in personal credit card debt (in their names jointly), and that the IRS has a lien on their house. She also found out that they haven’t had health insurance for the past two years— the kicker here is that they participate in an activity almost every weekend that is quite risky, in terms of bodily harm. WITHOUT health insurance.

    Honestly, I’m mad at everyone. I’m mad at my mom for enabling him and for not demanding to know everything about their finances, especially when she became the sole breadwinner. She’s extremely intelligent in her work and she’s truly one of the kindest and most wonderful people I know, but she has a naive indifference when it comes to this subject. I’m mad at my dad for obvious reasons, but also because the reason my mom knows so little about their finances is because he’s emotionally manipulative around that subject. He’s extremely prideful/reserved about any financial topic, and will not talk about any sort of money issues with anyone. Including my mom, the person who now brings in ALL of their income.

    I’m even mad that I’m sort of in the middle of this, and I feel heartless that I wish I just didn’t know it was happening. I also feel selfish about the intensely negative reaction I’m having to the possibility of long-term, significant financial support on my part.

    The financial advisor told my mom that if she doesn’t divorce my father, she 1) is an idiot, and 2) will be working until she’s 95. I tend to agree, to be honest, though I’m having such a hard time understanding how she got herself into this situation that I feel I can’t be objective or helpful. On the other hand, thinking about my parents getting a divorce is making me sick. To further complicate things, my father almost certainly has undiagnosed mental health issues. He is extremely emotionally codependent on my mother. She is his ENTIRE support system, emotionally and socially. If she divorced him, I think there’s a very good chance he would harm himself, and I’m really not exaggerating here. He doesn’t threaten this, but I just know. I can’t even think about that outcome.

    I’m so exhausted and stressed over this situation and I really need some perspective. I have no idea what an acceptable outcome might even begin to look like.

    1. This sounds exhausting. 1. This is not your problem. Your parents are adults who are making their own choices. Yes, you want to help, but they don’t sound like they are in a position to help. 2. It sure sounds like they need to declare bankruptcy. Did the financial adviser not go over that option?

      2. +1. You say you are “sort of in the middle of this” — why?! You are their child, but you are not the solution here. They made bad decisions, and now they have to figure out how to live with the consequences.

        1. +1. This is not your decision or your problem and you can’t control how your mother reacts, or how your father may react if your mother chooses to divorce him. Focus on taking care of yourself. Get a good therapist that can help you understand why you feel like this is your problem. It’s not.

      3. So you all would be okay seeing your parents under the bridge? Or in a rat-infested ALF where they don’t get their diapers changed? I am wondering because my MIL took out a reverse mortgage and proceeded to use every penny fixing up the house that SHE DOESN’T OWN! She is now broke, complains she has no money for food and when I look at her granite counter tops, and fancy nails, and designer bags, I want to tell her to eat the granite. I have formica! My husband has thrown up his hands and refused to tell her she was making bad decision and I am so worried she will be on our couch.

        1. I usually wait for people in a hole to stop digging before I throw them a rope.

        2. If I truly thought one of my parents was at real risk of ending up “under a bridge,” I’d try to hook them up with social services that could prevent that from happening, and I’d consider giving the parent in trouble either one-time help in a lump sum or some kind of monthly stipend if I could afford it, but no, I wouldn’t allow them to move into my house. Realistically, with appropriate lifestyle adjustments, both of my parents have enough in retirement/social security to cover a basic lifestyle, and if they want more than the basics, they should’ve thought of that about 20 years sooner.

          Also, to be frank, I know my husband and my relationship, and long-term cohabitation with either or both of my parents would destroy our marriage. I’m not about to ruin my life to protect my parents from their own bad choices.

    2. I could have written this, except that this happened to my family in middle school, so I mostly understood that we (i) had no money and (ii) my dad’s business was flailing and (iii) my mom was working her tail off to be the breadwinner all while my dad did not cut his spending and put on a brave face and got us deeper into debt. (LLC’s people! Never personally guarantee a business. Financial disaster awaits!)

      Agree that this is exhausting and scary, but you have to distance yourself a little bit because this is really their problem not yours. They will need to face the music, eventually. You will have to come to terms that their life will be different and your relationship with them will change.

      If you are going to insert yourself into all of this (and I am not sure you should), then you should do it overtly. Like call a family meeting, tell your dad that you are sorry that the business has not worked out, but it’s time to declare business and personal bankruptcy and make a new start. This will be socially mortifying for your father–it was for mine–he tried desperately to hide everything. But it might be freeing to know. They will need to come to terms with the fact that _everything_ has to change–house, lifestyle, cars they drive, where they shop…the jig is up. You cannot spend money you don’t have, even if that’s what they have been doing–it cannot continue.

      And for your mom, well, a financial adviser is not the right person to be giving marriage advice, even if there has been a really deep level of manipulation. I promise you, my parent are THE MOST CODEPENDENT ever, and they really believe in the “for better or worse” aspects of marriage. They are not leaving one another. I realize that the marriage _financially_ is a sinking ship, but it may not be emotionally. Those are two different things and it’s not your place, or your parents’ financial adviser’s place to say.

      Hugs. You may need to shore up your parents financially as they go through this–they might need to move in with you, you might need to buy them groceries and gas. I promise that the psychological toll of keeping up this charade has been very heavy on your dad, and once he comes to terms with declaring BK and putting it behind him, the better. But it will not be easy for him to admit that the jig is up and things need to change.

      Good luck. My family _still_, twenty years later, doesn’t really ever talk about that time, although my dad has made oblique references to how much he hates the private school I attended that threatened to kick us out when my dad was late on tuition. (Don’t worry, folks–he sold the Mercedes to a neighbor and all was sorted. #highclassproblems)

    3. I agree with Wildkitten. First of all, remember this is not your problem. The kind thing to do is to support your parents emotionally as they figure it out, but it’s not your responsibility to solve the problem for them.

      Second of all, can your parents get a consumer credit agreement for the personal credit card debt? (The business obviously has to be dissolved rather than any more money disappearing into that black hole. Hopefully both your parents understand that already.) It can greatly reduce the amount of debt and increase the amount of time to pay it back, without the devastating effects of bankruptcy.

      Third of all, your mom gets to decide whether she wants to stay married to your father and continue to support him as the sole breadwinner. There are many men and women who choose to financially support their spouses, so this decision alone does not make her an idiot. But it sounds like some mental health treatment should be part of any decision your mom makes to stay with your father. Perhaps you can play a role is helping your parents understand the kind of help that is available? Speaking anecdotally, my parents at least grew up in a generation that did not understand mental illness very well, so have a hard time getting past the stigma of mental illness.

      Lastly, lots of hugs to you. This is a very difficult situation; it’s so painful to see our parents fail. I hope you can start talking about this situation with a friend, SO, family member, etc. and get some support.

    4. Oh my goodness…… I’m so sorry.

      How old are your parents? Are you the only child?

      Sounds like time for a sit down with both parents and their accountant and possibly a lawyer. Bankruptcy. It is fortunate your Mother has a high paying job. Only she can decide what she wants to do with her marriage.

      The most important thing is they have to get health insurance. Immediately. Open enrollment for Obamacare ended yesterday to get insurance by Jan 1st, but they can still sign up now so it will be active by Feb 1st. This is absolutely essential.

      Strangely enough, it is sometimes crises like this that get people into mental health care, if that is what your father needs.

      I know this may be hard to hear, but there is a way out of this. It will be painful and their marriage may not survive, but …. this isn’t cancer. This isn’t death. They will need to modify their lifestyle dramatically, but many of us do this.

      One step at a time.

      I’m so sorry.

      1. FWIW NPR told me this morning that the deadline is extended on enrollment to tonight.

    5. Agree with the posters saying this is ultimately not your responsibility to solve, no matter how understandable it is that you want to help. Also strongly agree that they shod be considering bankruptcy both for the business and personal. Finally, the fact that your mom has a job and they aren’t yet in foreclosure on their home ( are they?) means this situation could be a h3ll of a lot worse. cold comfort perhaps but I think perspective is important. I work with ppl living in true poverty facing homelessness every day. I think the worst part of this isn’t the finances, it’s the fact that your dad betrayed everyone’s trust and put your moms health and safety at risk along with his own, all so he could keep up appearancs. That’s really selfish and hurtful. I tink if you separate the financial and emotional aspects of this it could help you feel a bit better and process your emotions more.

      1. Right. They have income. They have a place to live. If they wind up living out their golden years in an unpleasant town in a small apt living off social security, so be it. That’s up to them to handle.

        Do not derail your life because they have BOTH been irresponsible, and don’t fall into the taking sides trap.

    6. This is terrible. First, I disagree with the financial advisor that your mom should divorce your dad. They are MARRIED for a reason — to support each other. Life and marrage should really be more then a cold economic decision–you should NOT kick your husbend when he is down or dump him. What will mom have left, an empty house and bed. No, when I MARRY, it is for GOOD. FOOEY on any man that walk’s out on me after my child beareing year’s are over. I will stay with my man even if he is NOT abel any more to satisfy me sexueally b/c he is my HUSBAND. You should tell your mom that. YAY!

    7. People that recommend divorce in this situation don’t understand divorce law. Divorce very well be the psychologically smart thing to do if your dad is emotional manipulative, etc. However, it won’t even begin to solve the financial problems. It might get your mom off the hook for future debts but not past ones. It certainly won’t stop your mom from having to support your dad. Women pay alimony just like men in these situations. Two households to support are more expensive than one.

      For the tax liens, however, your mom needs to talk to a professional that is familiar with the innocent spouse defense. It can only be raised in very specific situations but this could be one of them. That would avoid her being personally liable for the tax debt at least. Won’t help get the lien off the house though.

      They need to talk to a bankruptcy attorney as well.

      You would be shocked, SHOCKED at how many people can keep up this charade and for how long. I’ve seen divorce cases where neither party has paid the mortgage for over 3 years. Foreclosure paperwork has been started but the bank has taken no real action. They then have no true sense of their real living expenses and use the “saved” money to continue to fund a lifestyle they can’t afford. The only plus side to the slow process is if someone is really trying to change, it gives them time and money (the money from the mortgage they stopped paying) to hire the professionals they need to get the mess sorted out.

      Whatever you do, do not co-sign anything. Also, check your credit report. Desperate people do desperate things. I’ve seen people pretend to be their brother, a son, anything to just get another loan. This is tough stuff.

      1. She should still explore it, but I don’t think innocent spouse will help the mother here as it sounds like the tax debt is unpaid taxes on her income (since it doesn’t sound like Dad had any income). It sounds like Mom is self employed/1099 basis if she doesn’t have insurance and wasn’t having taxes withheld. Innocent spouse can sometimes help where a spouse was making money and not paying taxes on it and the other person had no idea this money was earned and did not derive lifestyle benefits from it, but it’s not going to help someone get relief for tax debt on their own personal income.

    8. Also, and I know this is over prescribed here, you must find a good therapist. You need someone to help you through this without it taking you over.

      1. I agree with this (and I don’t often jump on the therapy bandwagon). My parents got divorced a few years ago due to some things that I felt reflected poorly on my father’s character. It’s been a struggle to maintain a relationship with him with what I now know, I mourn the loss of things that I knew (childhood traditions and the like), and adjusting to the new normal is hard (ex: three Christmases, instead of two, which is more logistics and less fun for me). And now I have to worry about my parents’ financial situation, old age, and retirement in a way that I never have before. It would have been easier if I had talked to someone, but I didn’t.

    9. Ugh. I’m so sorry.

      My dad is in a bad financial position (and in terrible mental and physical health) at age 70, and it weighs on me too. When his second wife died suddenly and unexpectedly this spring, I just walked around in a fog for several days imagining all the horrible what-ifs. My mom and then later the second wife were the ones who kept him in line, so to speak, and I just kept imagining that he’d be homeless or destitute. In crisis situations, it’s so easy to imagine the worst possible outcome.

      Something to keep in mind is that this is all fairly new information, so it’s all very overwhelming right now, and will become less so over time. I don’t blame you at all for being exhausted and stressed or for feeling like you have to DO something. I think you’ve already gotten a lot of good advice re: getting a lawyer, them declaring bankruptcy, etc. I just want to let you know that for me, at least, I’m still stressed about my dad’s situation, but after the initial shock wore off, and as time has passed, it has become more manageable, emotionally.

    10. I know of three instances of this happening.

      One couple owned an independent store that did well, but they made some mistakes in choosing inventory and things didn’t sell. It ended up that the husband had taken on a few hundred thousand dollars of debt on them personally. The wife had no idea. They got out of it by belt-tightening and rethinking some business decisions, but it was a very rough couple years for them. The wife felt betrayed and was furious. Their business is profitable again and they’re in good shape.

      The other couple was working class and the husband ended up wracking up $70k in secret debt when his hours were cut at work, but he told his wife everything was fine. He used to hide bills from her and tell her they were paid. It went on for years. They’re fine now, after the wife took complete control of the finances and paid everything off through belt-tightening. Their marriage, though, hasn’t ever recovered from what the wife feels is betrayal.

      The other story, well, doesn’t have a happy ending. The fellow owned a business that had been failing for years (nothing he did wrong – his service was basically made obsolete by technology). He should have cut his losses ages ago but didn’t. He had several hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. He ended up having a heart attack from the stress and dying unexpectedly. The family had no idea about the business conditions until after he passed. He was only 50.

      All this to say, it’s not that uncommon. I’m just one person and I know three people it’s happened to! Don’t blame your parents too much.

      Something I’m learning with my own mother who’s in a terrible place financially is that adults do make their own beds. I really parent my mother…and I don’t always have to. At 70 years old, she is STILL choosing to make repeated bad financial decisions. Will I save her from starvation? Absolutely. Will I run in and try to solve all her problems? No. Because it would bankrupt me and put my well-being at risk. I love her, care deeply about her, but I’m not required to save her from her bad mistakes.

      Good luck. My thoughts are with you. I know how difficult this time is.

    11. This is only not your problem if you are so wealthy that you can support your parents in retirement, or if you do not care if they are destitute.

      But that is the ONLY prt of this that is your problem. My suggestion is to sit down with both of them and give them a harsh assessment of what you are able and NOT able to do in their old age.

      Then offer as much intellectual and emotional help as possible, and make it very clear that they have to fix this. They might be your parents, but their heads are in the sand.

      1. This. Maybe this is coming from the culture I was raised in, but I really don’t think you can just ignore your parents’ serious financial woes that could really impact their quality of life in the future-i.e., how are they going to pay for eventual retirement and health care as they age? It sounds serious enough that they could eventually have trouble paying for basic necessities like housing and food. I think you can ignore a lot of things with parents, but this isn’t one of them.

        Also, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Ugh.

        1. So you should probably consider the source here. I have an excellent relationship with my dad, and a strained relationship with my mom. But I still voluntarily bought them retirement condo, and my husband and I visit them every other weekend. This is likely far from the norm, and I realize that.

    12. So, as my handle implies, I’ve been in your shoes, albeit Dad’s business was a lot less successful at its peak so the amount of income/funds at issue wasn’t nearly as much. Here’s what I did, in case it’s helpful to you:

      1. I listened to my mom vent about my dad, but I did not attempt to tell her what to do. There was lots of “I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now” and “That sounds tough, what do you think you might want to do about it?” but I never once told her what to do. If I was directly asked, I’d point out that I’m 30 years younger and couldn’t possibly guess what I would do in her situation, which seemed to work.

      2. I made a plan (with my husband) about how much I could reasonably afford to provide my parents, financially, without harming my own standard of living and/or resenting the heck out of them, and made it clear to both of them what was and wasn’t on offer when it came up. I also made it clear that I wasn’t in a position to bail them out financially, especially if they continued down the road they were on.

      3. I stayed the heck out of everything else. Seriously – this is 100% not your circus, not your monkeys. It’s hard, but they’re adults – unless there’s a definitive cognitive issue that would require appointment of a guardian for one of them, they’re free to make their own decisions, and you should let them do that, even when those decisions are spectacularly terrible.

      4. I got a really good therapist. Having a place to go to untangle everything that happened (and the ways in which it had affected me, both as a kid and as an adult, without having realized it) was really important for me, and helped me maintain good boundaries.

      Ultimately, my parents did get a divorce – they went through a mediator, dad assumed liability for all of the marital debt and gave up any claims to alimony, and mom kept the house and gave up any claims to reimbursement for business debts she’d paid for him that she arguably should’ve been reimbursed for, and they went their separate ways. They are friendly now, and still a little co-dependent, but they actually get along much better now that my dad’s financial shenanigans (which have continued, and I expect will continue for the rest of his life) no longer jeopardize my mom’s standard of living. On mom’s side, her resources are significantly diminished, but she has figured out how to live within her means, and has been much, much happier with having less, but knowing for certain that she will never be in danger of losing what she does have because of dad’s decisions.

      1. This is great advice. Do those four things. Although I would probably say “You need to talk to a bankruptcy attorney” as my parting shot before implementing No. 3.

        So sorry about this. It’s horrible.

        1. And please, help them sign up for health insurance if your Mom can’t manage it. At their ages, this is truly the potential disaster right around the corner. The stress of the current situation on both of them could easily push them in a dangerous health direction at any time, and it sounds like both of your parents will need psychiatric help regardless.

    13. Guys, I really appreciate all of your responses and support. I’ve been at a new job orientation all day and am now studying for final exams, but I will definitely read these thoroughly later tonight.

    2. I don’t know anything about instagram, but I found that account and I love the outfits. How do you find out what brand, where they bought them? I saw a couple of dresses I would kill for.

    3. Wow, I love their outfits! Might make an Instagram account just to follow them…

    5. I am totally following that. Actual work-appropriate outfits that I can wear to my office, with a number of differently-sized women? Yas please.

  3. Someone in the gym this morning was playing their music on their phone speakers instead of wearing headphones. Super annoying.

    1. Someone in the gym this morning was playing their music on their phone speakers instead of wearing headphones. Super annoying.

        1. Yes. It also applies to people who let their kids watch cartoons in restaurants without headphones.

          1. A mother once let her kid watch movies on a tablet, on a 4 hour megabus. across the isle from me. I was not amused.

            I take Amtrak now, and sit in the quiet car. And report people who do not respect the quiet car.

          3. as a mother of two children, I would never let me kids watch something without headphones, with one exception– we forgot headphones and they were losing their sh!t. I can assure you, the noise coming from the device is better than the noise that would otherwise be coming from the child.

          4. Or you could tell them a story. Or play I spy. Or read a book. Or any of the myriad things parents did a hot ten years ago to manage their children.

          5. I frequently have been on planes near kids with their movie or game sound effects on full blast, no headphones. I think the parents have developed selective hearing to no longer hear those noises as a survival mechanism. Often the kid has headphones in his/her bag, and if you ask the parents, they’ll apologize and tell the kid to get them out (and turn the volume down for good measure).

          6. Which reminds me, I have a habit of having a backup pair or earbuds with me when I travel. Primarily in case mine break or get lost, but also in case someone starts watching/listening to something without headphones – that way, if I feel inclined to request they use headphones and they say they don’t have any, I have a pair to give them.

          7. As the mother or a 3 year old and 8 year old DH and I got a GC to a very fancy restaurant that we never would have made the time to go to. Hired a babysitter and went to have ourselves a fancy night out. The kid in the table next to us was playing the SAME DS GAME our children had been fighting over for a week. Fancy restaurant refused to move us. They are no longer in business.

        3. What about the person on public transit doing his own (terrible) freestyle rap for approximately 30 minutes? The Saturday after Thanksgiving, when the car was full of families and kids heading to a big festival. And every sentence in the rap contained some variation of the f-word, plus at least one other swear word. Very few of the other words were intelligible through the mumbling, but that one certainly was.

          Seriously, why do people do this stuff? If our city transit ran any more often than 1 car every 30 minutes I would have gotten off and waited for the next train, because I was ready to gouge my ears out. Or shove him off the train. Totally justifiable homicide, right?

      2. I am currently studying for my second bar exam, and I can confirm that, yes, this is a justifiable homicide.

    2. Okay, that’s definitely more annoying than my behaviour last week (brought my iPad on and watched an episode of The Newsroom on it while on the stationery bike – I had been on the wine the night before and it was the only way to lure myself into the gym).

      1. …without headphones?! You can listen to and watch whatever you want at the gym (within reason) as long as you have headphones.

    3. That so would have resulted to my singing along, to their music if I knew it or with my own with my headphones cranked up so I couldn’t hear myself. They would be very very sorry when their ears started bleeding.

  4. Legal professionals- what document management software do you use and do you like it?

    1. imanage/filesite. I like it because I am familiar with it. It’s not completely intuitive at the start, but…

      If you are talking about contract management software, I have still not found a company that does much more than you can do yourself with good file naming conventions in a shared drive.

      1. Part of what we are looking for is the ability to maintain contract forms that our business people can fill in a couple fields and the software sends to contrac out for signature. Also want the ability to get automated notifications when contracts are about to expire. So we want more than a filing system.

        2. Aderant Total Office to do both of these for you. I assume it is expensive, but it’s definitely the best document/file management software I’ve used and I’m pretty sure I was only utilizing about 10% of what the software could do. I really miss it. *Sigh*

          1. We use ATO and it’s awesome. Just switched over from Legal Files and we’re all in love.

    2. I use “Legal Files” and I don’t particularly like it. It functions reasonably well, but it is ugly to look at and doesn’t have a lot of flexibility for setting up files (works well for litigation files and transaction files, works less well for more random files that do not fit neatly into a category and you may want to structure or organize differently). For me that latter category is a lot of what I do.

      1. My firm uses Legalfiles and I hate it (but we’re switching – hooray). It’s clunky and seems to have been made in 1996 by someone who does not practice law/understand what would be convenient/really inconvenient in a file management system.

  5. Does anyone use the “advanced night repair eye synchronized complex II” series by Estée Lauder? I’ve always been a loyal Olay skin care user, but I’m in my late 20s now and am wondering if I need to step it up, especially for eye skin care. Thoughts on this or recommendation for another product? TIA!

    1. Your normal face lotion with sunscreen + sunglasses worn religiously is the solution. Not Estée Lauder.

      1. Sunscreen + big sunglasses, yes. I use a prescription retinol cream as well (mid-late 20’s), mostly for breakouts but should have some added anti-aging benefits throughout the years. and it is IMMENSELY cheaper for exponentially more active ingredient than any department store counter cream. Mine is Tretinoin .05%

        1. Hm this is interesting. Maybe I should make an appt with a Derm although my concern is anti-aging I am (very thankfully) no longer plagued by breakouts. I wonder if this would be covered by insurance.

          1. It is not covered for anti-aging effects, since that is not a medical disease.

            It can be covered for acne.

          2. FYI – it’s very expensive – but I use a very very small amount so the $100 tube lasts like a year. My doc gave me a prescription with a new tube every month and I was horrified at the potential cost, but you don’t actually refill that often.

          3. There are many, many formulations of prescription retinoids. Some are dirt cheap generics. Also, you use them very sparingly. A tube can last me 10 times longer than the script suggests.

          4. I think the common tube sizes are 20g and 45g. My insurance used to cover 45g and that lasted me well over 6 months (I usually refilled at 6months because it started to seem less effective after that). They now will only fill 20g and that lasts 3-4 months. $15 per tube, though new mystery changes are coming after our plan renewal (got a letter that said they’re coming, but “you won’t find out until after your renewal takes effect”). Insurance only covers about 3 of the formulations and oddly they’re the creams that are generally recommended for anti-aging, not acne (acne does better with the gel), and I have to get a letter from my doctor stating that it’s for acne because I’m a woman of a certain age. It’s a huge hassle but it’s the only thing that helps my cystic acne.

        2. Yup, I also use Retin-A, 0.1% here. But I also use a face moisturizer along with it since it is so drying. I like to use a basic Clinique moisturer with the Retin-A for night, and Kiehl’s Super Restorative SPF 30 cream or Shiseido Ibuki SPF 18 during the day.

    2. I do and I have probably since my early 20s. My mom always gets it for free and doesn’t use it, so I just take hers. I have zero wrinkles or fine lines around my eyes at 28, but I also always wear sunscreen and sunglasses (my mom warned me to start wearing sunglasses at 16 so I don’t get wrinkles from squinting). I like it and would recommend it, but that’s me.

  6. I’m throwing a baby shower for a close friend in 2ish months. She’s the first friend to have a baby, so I’m new to this scene. We’re doing a 2pm Saturday shower at my house – so it will be (hopefully) very nice, but on the modest side. Any good advice for planning – websites that you’ve used for some ideas? I’m thinking light appetizers (ideas?) and dessert, plus some bubbly fun adult beverage. I get overwhelmed by some of the DIY/Pinterest stuff out there, but I’m all for using the next couple weeks to come up with some special touches. Advice appreciated!

    1. I threw a baby shower for my cousin and had never done anything like it before. I did inexpensive decorations with baby blocks (bought some cheap, borrowed some) to spell out words, etc. My cousin’s mom bought inexpensive plain white bibs and fabric markers, so each guest made her a little bib. It was cute, easy, and a fun activity that people could do whenever – i.e. you didn’t have to wrangle all the people at once. I also have a lot of aunts who are great bakers, so they pitched in with baking cookies. (At this time I was pretty broke and also living four hours away from where the event was held.) We also had fruit trays. I don’t think you need to go overboard on food with a 2pm Saturday shower – light appetizers and dessert sounds great. And honestly, I’d say stay away from Pinterest – it will just make you feel bad about yourself! That being said, maybe snag one or two cute ideas and go from there. Remind yourself it doesn’t have to look like Martha Stewart Baby (is that a magazine? it should be) and your friend will have a great time regardless!

      1. I’m ignoring like 75% of it, but I was glad to have the information to choose what to ignore.

      2. What about the bump dot com? I bet they have lots of stuff about showers maybe? I feel like the knot dot com the sister site was helpful for non-engaged me to plan the bridal shower and get etiquette answers.

    3. I’ve hated most of the baby showers I’ve been too because of stupid games. Especially, please skip the identify the melted candy bar in the diaper game. The only activity that I’ve found to be fun is to decorate bibs or onesies. You can get the supplies cheaply and our friends actually used them around the house. Instead of buying decorations, use toys like blocks that you can give to the baby. Have someone write in a notebook who gave which gift to make it easier for the parents to send thank you cards.

      1. Ew! That game sounds awful!! And definitely not something my friend would appreciate. I was thinking of a Bingo during gift opening, which I’ve seen at bridal showers, having everyone bring a favorite book, and bib decorating. I’d love an alternative to Bingo though, if one exists… we JUST did it at another mutual friend’s wedding shower.

        1. I am literally just making this up, but what if you did a sort of “broken up” Bingo where each person just had one thing (like what would have been on one Bingo square) and when it’s hit, that person gets a piece of chocolate or something?

        2. I’ve seen a game where each guest gets 4 clothespins when they arrive and if anyone says the word “baby” you get to steal one of their clothespin. The person with the most clothespin at the end of the shower wins a prize. It has the benefit of not being super organized (no wrangling guests) and is a fun ice breaker if some of the guests don’t know one another. I am anti-shower games, but this one is actually pretty low key and entertaining.

        3. We did a nursery rhyme quiz for my SIL. The older guests tended to do better at it, but it was quick and fun to go over the answers.

          1. My sister and I watched a TON of TV together when we were younger so I put together a quiz of kids’ name from different TV shows for her baby shower. Most of it consisted of late 80s, early 90s shows (Cosby Show, Full House, Home Improvement, etc.) but I included older shows for my mom’s friends and cousins who attended (Brady Bunch, Bewitched, the Munsters, etc.). It went over really well. Just watch out for the cheaters who will Google the answers…

      2. Or decorate diapers. I went to a shower that provided markers and plain diapers. Each guest wrote a cute message on the diapers, which were put aside for midnight diaper changes– when the couple is exhausted, hopefully that will put a smile on their face.

    4. Martha Stewart’s asparagus on phyllo dough appetizer can be made ahead of time, looks really classy, and is delicious.

    5. Save money on cheesy decorations that no one will know what to do with after the shower. Buy/make a few cute decorative items but mostly decorate with food–put cupcakes on upside down wine glasses of various sizes, find foods that match the colors of the baby’s nursery, etc. I did this recently for a baby shower and everyone commented on how cute and classy the pictures turned out. Also, you can decorate with children’s books and toys that can actually be given to the child later. As far as games–ask the honoree. I’ve found that people have really strong feelings both ways about baby shower games!

    6. I always thought Miranda on SATC had the right approach to baby showers – no storks & fried chicken. In that spirit, when I’ve thrown baby showers, I’ve tried to do them so they feel more like birthday parties. My best tips are:
      – skip baby decor & get flowers instead (bonus – your house looks pretty for a while after);
      – use local restaurants to cater – doesn’t need to be expensive, I’ve done dim sum, a taco bar, salads and tea sandwiches from a deli
      – serve adult beverages unless all your guests are pregnant (many people have thanked me for having a mimosa bar)
      – hire a “party helper” from Taskrabbit – someone to help keep food warm, replenish trays when they look sad, pour drinks, clean up little napkins and debris as the party goes on (all the things you would do so you can enjoy the party yourself)
      – don’t open baby presents. This is controversial. I find it dull for the guests and awkward for the guest of honor, but I recognize people like to do this and like an “end” to the party. If you must, I’d suggest asking people to bring their favorite kids’ book (better if you go up to young adult) and open those instead – much more fun conversations than the ones inspired by a pump, for example. If you can skip presents entirely, have a dessert ending instead – cake w/ candles (even though it’s not a birthday, who doesn’t love a sparkly cake) or cupcakes or something that everyone gets at the same time to signal “polite to leave now if you’d like.”

      1. This sounds perfect! I would absolutely ask the guest of honor how she feels – I personally HATE games and the gift opening presentation. Both are so awkward, but that’s me.

        1. Mimosa bar or I have also seen champagne punch done tastefully. See my comment below for if she wants to open gifts how to handle.

    7. Decorating for a shower can be super easy and not require a lot of DIY (which I suck at). I’ve usually just used flowers (I prefer big hydrangeas in glass vases) with ribbon on the vase (generally in the pink/blue/yellow variety). I’ve done the “banners” of onesies, socks, and bibs before too, and then given them to the honoree at the end. All you need is twine and clothes pins for that (plus the clothes items). Food is just nice appetizers. Definitely a sweet item too (cookies, a cake, cupcakes, etc.).

      1. I just helped sew some bunting for a baby shower. It was ridiculously easy: triangles of pretty colored paper sewn together with white thread! My friend and I cut a bunch of triangles out of craft paper in colors and patterns that matched the theme, and she passed triangles to me one at a time while I put them through the machine. Probably the hardest part was restraining ourselves from buying all the pretty paper. We hung it all over the room where the party was held and it was nice because it really made it feel like “this room has been decorated for a baby shower!” without our having to do a ton of work.

        If you’re decorating onesies/bibs/whatever, you can make cute “clotheslines” out of ribbon and provide clothespins so the decorated onesies can be hung somewhere for display and then they also serve a decorative purpose.

    8. For decoration, all you need are some vases of flowers (get a bunch of flowers from Trader Joe’s and split them among a few vases) and a banner that says “Welcome, Baby” or “It’s a [Girl/Boy]” or something like that. You can get a banner on Amazon or Etsy for $10 or so. I’ve done a couple baby showers and I just treat them like a fun brunch with present opening.

      I generally make a few quiches (ham and gruyere; goat cheese and veggie), along with some roasted asparagus, a green salad, and maybe a quinoa dish or some cheese/charcuterie and crackers. Beverages = prosecco, OJ, and mineral water. You can get everything from Trader Joe’s without spending that much money.

      In summary, I would totally ignore Pinterest unless you’re into that sort of thing and find it fun.

      1. I would also just outsource the cake or cupcakes. There is always an aunt or a friend or someone who asks what they can bring.

    9. The best thing ever is the “gift bingo” for prizes for the guests. Even if it’s a little candle or lotion or something. That way it’s at least entertaining for those watching her open everything. (“Is there an elephant on that? Was that a baby butt product? What all is in this baby cake of diapers? Does it have pacifiers?”). It’s very funny and you fill the squares in with generic things and then you give out the top 3 or 5 prizes. It makes the opening gifts fly by. This is by far the worst part for people on both receiving and giving sides IMO or can be.

      1. I know no one REALLY wants to open the presents but it seems that this is usually the way it goes (even Miranda opened hers I think). This is the best way I have seen it handled.

        1. I like this idea if it has to happen – may steal for an upcoming shower I’m now planning w/ some other girls who may be into gift opening . . .

    10. Also I have seen right when we get to the baby shower we write our name and address on a post card or envelope to make thank you cards easy.

    11. I went to a shower recently where they played snippets of songs with the word “baby” in the title and we had to guess the title and artist. It was fun because there were songs from all different eras.

    1. Me too! Gap have had a lot with a similar shape in recently. I’ve bought two. (I should just set up a monthly standing payment to Gap, I swear…)

    3. I agree, this is a beautiful dress. Great color and neckline. I have a similar dress in the same color and I always get compliments when I wear it.

  8. How do you all handle meal preparation, specifically lunch in the office? I’ve been buying lunch too often and it’s too expensive. I need some ideas on how to prep on the weekend and make lunches throughout the week. I’m looking for ideas that are easy, inexpensive, and will stay for several days without eating the same exact thing everyday.

    2. I often get too busy to prep my lunch at home but minimize costs by getting it at the grocery story. I always have a few cans of soup, frozen meals and cut up fruit and veggies at the office. Especially buying the fruit and veggies already prepared saves time and though more expensive, it’s still much cheaper than buying lunch every day.

    3. I mix a low calorie frozen meal with a container of steamed veggies. I buy them frozen and heat them both at work.

    4. I throw mine together each morning in a Tupperware. Hunk of aged cheddar or some other cheese, almonds and pistachios, hard boiled egg (I make a week’s supply on the weekend), a bunch of edemame, baby carrots, blueberries.

      I don’t have time for a real lunch. I open my box and graze between seeing patients in clinic/hospital. Love my lunch. Very healthy and easy to prepare.

    5. Each Sunday I make a batch of rice and bake 2-3 chicken breasts, so I end up with 3 containers with a chicken breast over rice, and that container takes about 2 minutes to reheat in the microwave. I usually make 1-2 more throughout the week, but 3 is enough to start and doesn’t run the risk of food being wasted if I end up getting, getting invited to lunch, or ending up with leftovers later in the week. Then each night I also put some veggies in a container.

    6. I eat a lot of Amy’s Kitchen meals. They’re healthy for frozen, pre-packaged meals (not just low cal but also organic, vegetarian, relatively low in sodium, etc). Sometimes I supplement with homemade veggies (very easy to roast or steam a bunch of veggies on the weekend) as Wildkitten said. I know that a fully home-cooked meal is healthier, but it never happens and so if I don’t buy the frozen entrees I’ll inevitably not have lunches for the week and end up eating takeout, which is worse in terms of both money and health.

      1. +1

        I know frozen lunches or canned soup is not the healthiest option, but it’s usually less bad and cheaper than takeout, so I use that as my intermediate step between “healthy homemade lunch” and “drive through 5 days a week”

        I also keep some shelf stable basics in my office, like a carton of oatmeal and a jar of peanut butter. It’s not the most exiting lunch, but oatmeal with a scoop of peanut butter is a much better fallback than takeout, and is actually moderately filling and balanced (ish).

    7. I do soups and other leftovers, but also buy 4-5 of those bagged salads (the ones that having toppings like nuts, dried fruits, cheese, bacon bits, etc. as well as a dressing pack) in the produce section when I do our weekly grocery shopping. They are like $3-$4 and I will eat either half a bag or a whole bag for a meal depending on how hungry I am. They aren’t as cheap as some other homemade options, but are way cheaper than getting take-out.

    8. I decide on my “protein” for the week and make a bunch of that on Sunday (chicken, chicken sausage, ground turkey, shredded pork, etc). Then I plan 5 lunches based on it and shop accordingly, taking into consideration the amount of certain ingredients I have to buy.

      A chicken week for me can consist of gyros, chicken caesar pitas/salad, BBQ chicken sandwich, shredded and tossed with pasta and some veggies, burrito bowls, asian bowls, sliced chicken wrap, chicken salad sandwich, etc. When I’m planning, if i choose a pita-based dish, I’ll be sure to have a few dishes that involve pitas so I use up the pack that week and don’t waste. I chop as much as possible on Sunday, and rely on steam in a bag veggies, canned beans, and one big batch of rice/quinoa/etc in the rice cooker Sunday night.

    9. I struggle with this too but have been on a meatballs kick lately. 1.5-2 lbs of ground beef makes about 15-20 meatballs, which lasts several meals and can be eaten with various sides like roasted vegetables, polenta, pasta. My favorite is the Meatball Shop recipe on Epicurious.

      1. They also freeze very well, and easy to substitute ground turkey for a little more health…. but I admit I am less of a fan of this healthy option!

    10. I bring a bag of Cesar salad and fruit in the beginning of the week, I have small rubbermaid containers for dressing because the little package doesn’t last all week and if I’m going to eat salad for 3 days I need it to taste good. I know this will be three lunches, if I eat them all in the beginning of the week I know I get to go out two days <3

    11. Costco Rotisserie Chicken and then a few meals after that: chicken and potatoes, chicken salad with rotating with diff veggies, nuts, cheeses and dried fruit, take the bones and make a chicken soup on day 3. Rotating between reg chicken soup, an Asian-style corn/egg drop/chicken soup and chicken tortilla.

      1. Can you please share your recipe for Asian-style corn/egg drop/chicken soup? I would love to try it one time. Also, any tips on dealing with the task of picking through the bones and skin and everything when you are making chicken soup – it seems like such a hassle that I often just throw out the carcass instead, which I know it a waste.

        1. I just take the bones with whatever meat is left on and boil it in about 4-5 cups of water (you can add whatever veg you have left over to enrich the soup). After a full boil whatever meat is left just falls off into the soup, take out carcass, add a can of corn and simmer. In a separate bowl crack 2 eggs and mix them. Slowly add the eggs to the simmering soup and break it up with a fork. I also dice one chicken breast and add to the soup. Garnish with chopped green onions. You can add S&P to taste but there’s usually a lot of sale in the rotisserie chicken I barely add any.

        2. There are some excellent youtube vids on how to cut up a chicken. by the time we are ready for soup there isn’t very much left and whatever is left is usually boiled off.

          Forgot to add, if you want a thicker soup, add cornstarch mixture at the end. Sorry this is just a family recipe so we just kinda wing it.

          1. Thanks for the tips TigerMom! It sounds pretty easy so I’ll have to try it sometime.

  9. In the spirit of New Year’s Resolutions (planning to be virtuous is so much fun) I am considering finally getting a fitbit or similar. I’d like one that is a heart monitor, not just a step-counter. There are so many models! Does anyone have any favorites? Do you find the heart monitor part to be accurate? I’ll probably never be dedicated enough to strap up a chest monitor while on the treadmill (best to know these things about yourself, I guess) but if it were just there on my wrist, and accurate, I think it would be quite handy.

    1. I have the fitbit Charge HR which is a heart rate monitor. I find it very accurate. I like that I can wear it to bed and use it to analyze my sleep patterns, which I personally find very interesting.

    2. I have the Basis Peak and really like it. It syncs to my phone, measures my heartrate, acts as a pedometer, analyzes sleep, and it will alert you to new texts/phone calls/emails if you’re relatively close to your phone (close enough for a Bluetooth connection).

    3. I just bought hubs the fitbit charge HR (which is the basic fitbit with heart rate monitoring and is much less expensive than the fitbit surge which is their top of the line model). I did a lot of research – in the $200 ish price range, there was also the garmin vivosmart HR (which is quite new and only being sold at bestbuy in Canada). My view of the comparison was the fitbit won on accuracy and the app and the garmin won on being waterproof and having more notifications, like a smart watch.

    4. I use the Jawbone products. I used to have one on the wrist, but hated the look and feel of it and also disliked advertising that I was wearing a fitness tracker. But I still like keeping track of things. I have one of the clip-on ones and I love it. I wear it on my bra strap and it is invisible. Tracking is just as good as the wrist one. I had a few months of experience with that, so I knew what a normal day was like and there wasn’t any change when I went to the new device.

      The clip on (Up Move) doesn’t do fancy stuff like heart monitoring, but it keeps track of steps, has a clock function and doesn’t need to be charged. Just change the battery every 6 months or so when I get a warning on the app.

    5. Huge fan of my Garmin Forerunner, but this is more for tracking athletic activities than “normal” every day stuff.

  10. Ideas on what to get for Christmas for my early 20s sister, single mom, recently laid off from her job. To add flavor to that I will add that she is fairly financially irresponsible and is not looking for a new job. She won’t be able to continue to afford her apartment so she is moving in with her pretty recent boyfriend. We’re not particularly close (geographically or emotionally). I do feel bad about her circumstances (although I don’t necessarily approve of her her choices) but in any event I of course would like her to have a happy holiday. Is cash the answer?

    1. Maybe a gift certificate to a nice restaurant, with a card that says “Dinner’s on me”? It’s both practical and indulgent.

      1. Something like this is great – it frees up her cash for other things but still lets her have a night out. Movie tickets or a Starbucks card are also good ideas. For one of my sisters going through a rough time, I send her a gift certificate to a restaurant I know she likes with a great bar, with instructions to have a drink or two on me.

    2. Skip her and just give presents to her kid? And have the increased number of presents to the kid be the presents to your sister?

      1. +1 to this. I would give the kid a toy (s) + clothes – and good quality outdoor clothes in particular if you live somewhere cold as that stuff can be pretty pricey.

        1. I’ve got the kid presents covered already (he is the only grandchild so he always gets gifts lavished on him), plus my sister had most of her Christmas shopping done before she got laid off so he’ll be fully taken care of.

    3. I would consider 2 gift cards – one to a favorite indulgence-ish place (Starbucks, Panera, whatever her favorite of that kind of place is, even better if it’s somewhere the 2 of you have gone before as a treat) and one to a practical place (Target, Walmart or grocery store).

    5. I’ve sort of been there (both DH and I were laid off and unemployed for the better part of a year when we had an infant). I would have liked a gift card to a grocery store (particularly a higher-end / organic place) for us and some gifts for my child.

      I’ve had some family in a similar place, too, and that’s what we’ve given them.

      1. + bajillion

        I would add: gift certificate to a local salon, so when she does land an interview, she can get her hair/nails done for it.

  11. For anybody who chimed in on Monday – I spoke with the bride last night and she said she is fine with me bringing a date/she will make it work with her fiancé. I thanked her for letting me know and turned the conversation around in to how excited we are to celebrate with her and about an item on her registry that is for our shared hobby. It’s somewhat bittersweet because I was busy getting a little worked up about the invitation situation, and our conversation after made me remember how much I miss her daily friendship and hanging out with her in person.

    Thanks for everybody who soothed my worries about a possible breach of etiquette here. This is really as good as I could have asked for a resolution. Now, to clean up my holiday eating so I can fit in the lovely dress I bought at the anthro sale…

    1. Ah, this! My SO’s family wanted to do away with gift giving for all but the children this year (we alljust give each other gift cards — it’s quite silly). But there was one aunt who already bough gifts for all, so no such luck this year.

  13. I’m looking for some gift ideas for DH for our 6th anniversary. I usually follow with the yearly themes, so for year 6 it’s candy or iron. The modern gift is wood, but wood is the traditional gift for year 5, so I got him something wood last year. I thought about just a collection of his favorite candy, but he’s diabetic and trying not to eat too much added sugar, so that’s probably out. I considered workout equipment (as in, pumping iron), but we really don’t need anything new. Any creative ideas?

    1. His initials, made into an iron brand, so that he can stamp every steak he puts onto the grill with his monogram. I’m fairly certain the internet will sell you this

      1. The internet DOES sell this and this is what I’m getting grilling master DH for his upcoming birthday!! Thanks, William Sonoma!

    4. Chocolate body paint? Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory DVD? Power tools? Golf clubs or accessories? Iron candle holders? Iron wine rack?

    5. Thank you for all these ideas. He recently discovered a wine that he LOVES, so I just ordered an iron wine rack using Amazon Prime. Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks again.

  14. I am looking for a bluetooth headset to use in my car. I have an Mpow Cobble bluetooth which is a POS. I don’t have bluetooth in my car and I have an iPhone 5. My BIL suggested bluetooth headphones with a mic, but I think a one-hear headset would be better for safety. Ideas?

    2. The Bose in-ear bluetooth is amazing! You really can’t tell that someone is in their noisy car.

    3. What is so terrible about your current setup? Is it the sound quality, ability to sync with your iPhone or voice dial, does it lose the bluetooth connection, etc?

      I got tired of destroying bluetooth headphones, so I use this now http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00C1CGZT0

      I clip the square part to my neckline, and just stick in one earbud in the car, but use both at the gym or at work. It’s cheap enuogh that I won’t cry if I lose it, and so far I haven’t broken the wires in the headphones that it came with, but I can replace them with cheap one if I need to. I need it primarily for the gym and work though – talking on it in the car doesn’t happen all that often, but it does work when I do. I usually get everything setup in the parking lot and make the call that way though – I’m not trying to make or answer calls on it when I’m driving.

      It’s old technology, but it gets the job done – as long as bluetooth is turned on on my (Android) phone, when I flick the power switch to turn this on they connect in less than a minute (and immediately if I poke at the Bluetooth settings on my phone).

  15. any anecdata on rescinding a job acceptance? I am accepting a counter from my company (paperwork should be coming through today) but the HR guy at the new place (which took months to get me to the final hiring stage) emailed me today to extend a final offer. I’m digging through ask a manager, but would appreciate any tips or stories!

    1. If they are extending a “Final Offer” then you have not technically accepted the position. Decline just as you would any other job offer.

      1. Agree but i would not formally decline the other offer until the offer you are accepting has been signed.

        1. Accepting a counteroffer from my current position – lots of changes in the last couple months that make me feel confident doing this. Agreed that I will not decline until I get the counter confirmed in writing.

    2. The muse dot com did an article a while back called 27 templates you can use or something that had a great example of what to say.

  16. If you were seriously dating/contemplating marriage with a public figure who does controversial work (has had death threats, filed compiled on him and family members by the media and organized crime syndicates, trolled in comments on websites all over the place, etc.), what information about your past would you think is reasonable for him to know? Generally speaking, I do not think it is a current partner’s business what the other partner’s sexual history is, but say the non-PF engaged in risky behavior in the past and there could be some troll lurking that would release information about that partner’s past that would embarrass or surprise the public figure partner were it to come out. Is this reasonable for the PF partner to ask about? What else is reasonable? This is a new situation for me and I am not sure what is reasonable, but I also want to be fair and I don’t want surprises down the road. I am struggling with what is normal behavior (college/early 20s age) and thus, not controversial were it to come to light later on.

    1. Is the PF a giant jerk? If his public profile were to result in a gross violation of his partners privacy, the main issue is not embarrassment to PF. I wouldn’t be making any disclosures- I’d be demanding to know what steps he will take to protect me.

    2. Good question! Without knowing the specifics, I think the rules are the same. If ze’s fine with getting death threats I don’t see why ze would be embarrassed by your personal history. I think *you* need to decide if you are willing to risk your personal history becoming public by having a serious relationship with PF, but that’s all on you, not zir choice to to make.

        2. She is using gender neutral pronouns since the original question didn’t attribute gender to either party.

          1. Gender neutral pronouns are the plurals (irrespective of how grammatically or logically wrong that is).

          2. You mean “they” and “them”? Yes, that’s an option but the issue hasn’t been fully resolved and the “ze” pronouns are perfectly acceptable form for a blog comment.

        3. I didn’t catch that the OP said “him” so I wasn’t sure the gender of the PF.

          1. I know you’re getting sh*t for this, but thank you! Non-assumption of gender is much appreciated!

    3. I would think that to the extent your history could hurt his future then he has a right to know what risk is there. Hypothetical here. Let’s say he is running for office on an anti-gay rights and anti-abortion platform. And you have had three abortions and also a serious long term gay partner (you are bi). And you two are going to marry. First, your belief systems are so polar opposite that if he knew the truth you might not even work. If I was your therapist I’d caution you against living a lie. But, if for whatever reason he was somehow a gem and you really wanted to be with him but for him, being with you could ruin his career, then I think he needs to know so he can choose.

      Also, if his job is one with a high security clearance, just know that spouses are also part of those background checks. If I was doing something that would prevent me from getting clearance, it would likely prevent my spouse from getting clearance too. So, neither of us can lie on our taxes, pay someone under the table, hang out with drug dealers or terrorists, use drugs, etc.

      If I was applying for a job with the DEA and my spouse didn’t tell me he had prior drug convictions before I started the clearance process I’d be pissed.

      But, I agree with all of the others. First you have to decide if this is the life you want to live. Our country hasn’t come to a place yet where we recognize married people as two separate people with separate beliefs and separate money. If you marry a democratic governor, you probably can’t be donating to the republican committee without major press issues.

      1. If he’s running on an anti gay platform and you kissed a girl and you kind of liked it, sucks to be him. He deserves the fall.

    4. If this is a political PF, you may want to think about what the party affiliated with said PF would care about. Unfortunately, if the party would take issue/be embarrassed, that may be the type of info you want to discuss with PF. I agree with Wildkitten that this turns into a decision by you about whether you would be comfortable with such personal info being made public as a result of the relationship.

    5. It’s sounds like we are coming at this from different perspectives, but I can’t imagine getting married to someone (PF or otherwise) without full disclosure on both sides. I also generally assume that things always come out eventually, and if you think it would be shocking/embarrassing/whatever if your spouse found out about it after the fact it’s only fair to tell them before you get married.

      To use a hopefully non-controversial example, suppose your spouse has been a lifelong vegetarian and you have been one for the last 15 years, but were president of the I love Bacon club in college. I think your prospective spouse gets to decide, with the benefit of all the facts, whether they are OK marrying someone who was once did something they find disturbing, even if they have changed their tune since then.

      I believe strongly that everyone gets to decide what are their own personally deal-breakers for marriage. They may seem unreasonable to us, but that doesn’t mean we should withhold information because we don’t think it should be a deal-breaker.

        1. Huh. I would never want to be with someone seriously if I wasn’t comfortable discussing our histories with openly, both for health reasons and emotional ones (for example, I would want to know if a girl he’s introduced me to as a friend is someone he’s been with romantically). Obviously if both members of the couple are ok with non-disclosure, that’s fine (public figure issues aside), but I always thought it was the norm to lay everything out in the open in serious relationships.

          1. I want to know stuff that matters, and I’ll share the same. The one night stand I had with that guy at the wedding? None of your business. It’s not an emotional issue. The health reasons are a red herring. Sure, let’s both get an exam before unprotected sex. You still don’t need to know every position I’ve done it in.

          2. Nope. Deny. Unless it’s a disease. I am not going to lie but I am not going to put it all out on the table. But yeah if I met your brother and it turns out I “met” him before you I’d probably tell him and then idk retire and write my memoirs.

    6. It used to be that short of a dead girl (Kennedy) or live boy (page scandal), nothing could derail a career. I think that all bets are off now, as long as you don’t flinch. Locally, YMMV, but nationally, I’d just own it and hold my head high. We are so used to trash now we have no standards left (for candidates, never mind a candidate’s spouse).

      Oft-married republicans (Gingrich, Guiliani, Trump) — sure!
      Substance abuse (Kennedy guy with the car accident on the Hill) — sure!
      Felony conviction (Marion Barry) — sure (you may not be able to vote, but you can sure run)!

      What did you do — run over someone’s dog and laugh about it? People might not forgive that.

    8. Stupid online trolls might care about a bunch of things that normal people do not give a darn about.

      Step 1: is this the kind of thing that actual normal people would be disturbed by? How far back in time was it – five years or twenty years?

      Step 2: how much does it matter to the SO if they dig up “dirt” on you? If it doesn’t matter, leave it be.

      Step 3: what is your SO’s position on all this? You can ask in a very low key way. Also, he is probably used to this – pay attention to how he runs the public aspect of our relationship.

      Step 4: be proactive. Sign yourself up for public speaking training (not Toastmasters – your goal is to learn to handle the press). Do some digging on yourself to figure it what comes up. This is NOTHING new, and there are plenty of resources to help people in the public eye.

      1. I hate to say it, but what would Kerri Washington do? I mean, her character on Scandal (I mean, besides sleep with the president). Channel your inner her.

      2. And seriously, I think the dirt that actually makes the mainstream, no matter how high-profile the public figure, is way less than you would think.

        Don’t ask me how I know these things.

    9. As always, I love this community. Thank you for your comments, things to think about, questions, etc. I appreciate all of it.

      PF is not a politician, but deals with some political matters. Despite not knowing each other until somewhat recently, his work overlaps with my personal and professional lives in ways we never expected, so I think that is causing him some stress professionally, as well. PF brought it up in the scheme of knowing things that are abnormal. The problem has become that things I think are normal are not normal to him. That is a disconnect that we have tabled for later discussion. He doesn’t care about my sexual history generally, I have some trauma and we have discussed that, he wants to be aware of abnormal perceptions of me at certain times in my life and just wants to be aware of what that general perception was so that if it comes out, he already knows about it. He continues to tell me that nothing I have told him has affected how he feels about me or how he thinks of me. I have a feeling that something was dug up about his former spouse that he was not aware of that caused stress on their family. He is very sensitive to what the kids can dig up online, and I don’t disagree that he should be in that arena.

      My general opinion is no one gives a rats a$$ about me, seriously, and people can make up lies about me and say whatever they want regardless. I am going to speak to my therapist about this on Monday and

      1. Oops didn’t finish . . .

        Speak to my therapist to make sure that both of us are being reasonable in this respect.

      2. Ummmm girl. Hold up. Your romantic partner does not have the right to reclassify stuff you think of as normal as abnormal. At all. Even a little bit.

        “Hey. Bro. Turns out I’m a fully realized adult human. I’ve done stuff. I’m cool with it. I’m not explaining or justifying or disclosing my past to you because you’re my boyfriend not my boss or parole officer. End of story. If you don’t like it, guess this is over.”

        1. I’ve always struggled with the term normal. What does that even mean? What if there are statistics that prove it’s actually not normal when it comes to the general public, but normal within a person’s worldview/experiences? Does any of that matter? Is normal relative? I really am always puzzled by the normal argument.

      3. “Normal” isn’t the issue. The issue is “stuff people will actually care about.”

        My advice is to ask him if he thinks that people – rational, level-headed people – will care. If not, no details, no explanation, just shut the conversation down.

  17. Going anon here just in case…
    The head of my group (we’re federal attorneys at an agency) is experiencing culture shock. He’s really into parties and group activities and games, and the group is not. This came to a head for the holiday party–he doesn’t understand why none of his attorneys or staff (~20 of us) wanted to pay $32 for an afternoon lunch party (there were three total parties our group was invited to attend, we’re all participating in the other two that have a lower cost and also no games are required). Attendance was not required at the $32 ticket party, and no one in his (my) group attended.

    Now he’s circulated a “Climate Assessment” anonymous survey to “maintain/improve…moral.” But the survey is not anonymous (the answers will be handwritten) and asks questions that are sure to not be helpful, at all (“What was your best and worst day here” & “General thoughts”). I’ve raised the anonymity concern with my supervisor, and he agreed. What’s my move? Provide constructive feedback? Provide fluffy answers? Delay and see if a response is really required (I just confirmed it has not been distributed to everyone in the group yet)?

    1. There is no benefit to you here. If you must respond provide generic fluff answers.

    2. You guys sound like a bunch of grumps. Why do you want to be cynical about someone who wants to improve morale at your workplace?

      1. I kinda agree with this. It’s once a year, you can afford it. It’s lunch. But whatever. I’m anti-social, but I’d pull up my big girl pants and go.

        But now on these forms it is really juvenile to not give some sort of feedback. Just say there were too many parties for you and you needed to prioritize to get work done before the holidays (?).

        Do you realize how lucky you are to have a boss who even cares at all about morale and sounds like a decent person?

      2. Um, perhaps it’s that improving morale and pressuring your staff to go to lunches that they have to pay for themselves are two entirely separate things? Good morale is produced by things like getting regular, constructive feedback on your work, opportunities for professional development, and flexibility. This kind of stuff is window dressing that makes no difference to morale, but always makes me very suspicious that management isn’t going to do anything actually productive.

        1. It’s this exactly. And, it’s a continual push by him to focus on things that have nothing to do with our mission–year round. I don’t believe we are all grumpy, we participate as much as we can, year round. But. three parties during one already busy month for us is too much). I think this is the dividing line on these issues. Some people whole heatedly support and love all kinds of office activities (Anon @ 12:34 and work seem to be those type of people). Some people do not (my entire group–staff, admin, and attorneys). Morale is not built by forcing either type of person to be the other kind. Most of us would have gone to the $32 ticket party if there was a $10-15 ticket that excluded the open bar and assurances that no one would be chastised for not playing games. He was unwilling to support this compromise.

  18. I live in the south. I find my coats from the my time in the northeast are all ridiculously too heavy for winter here. When I was a kid, my mom had this great trench with a zip-out lining. I’ve been thinking that’s exactly the kind of thing I need: something light and waterproof or resistant with the option to add the lining when the temperature dips below forty or so. Problem is, I can’t find anything like it. Ideas? Also, I’m not super fashion-minded. Does this seem like a terrible idea?

    1. I picked up one like this in a department store in Atlanta a long time ago – water resistant, black, midcalf, removable lining AND removable hood. Looks very classy. I think I got it at a JCPenneys or some such – if your google-fu is better than mine, it’s a Worthington RN93577.

    3. Sounds like the Patagonia Tres parka, but that gets really warm with the lining zipped in.

      1. I love the Tres.

        I think I saw a really nice LLBean version in their latest catalog as well.

    4. Highly recommend the Michael Kors Single-Bre*sted Raincoat from Nordstroms. Comes in regular and petite and several colors. Removable hood. Removable lining. Machine washable. It’s awesome and durable and it’s my go-to “in between” weather coat here in NYC (I’ve been wearing it to work every day the last week or two since it’s been unseasonably warm lately). AND it’s currently on sale.

        1. Not sure what size you are but I’m very short (5’0) and busty (DD) and the petite XS fits me great.

    6. Someone on here recommended the Lululemon “definitely raining” jacket, which I ended up getting & love. Sounds like what you’re looking for – it’s a great raincoat, but I keep wearing it just as a mild jacket all the time. It’s not that formal though – definitely on the casual side of jackets.

    7. I have a London Fog trench (double breasted) with a zip-out lining from Nordstroms that I love.

    8. I love my trench with a zip-out lining from Brooks Brothers.

  19. Just wondering what the proper holiday procedure is for tipping your Brazilian wax person? Is it the same as for a hair stylist? Thanks!

    2. normal as hairstylist unless she does it into the shape of a tree (30% tip extra) or star of david (50% tip extra)

  20. I know there are a couple of people here who live in Edinburgh–I need some local gift help. I have a friend that lives in Edinburgh that I’ll see at Christmas (in the US) and need to get a present for, but it needs to be small and easily transportable since she’s flying. I was thinking a gift certificate to somewhere in Edinburgh–what are some good restaurants or perhaps a local spa or any other ideas for local places I could get a gift certificate to (her main hobby is traveling and lately they seem to be into cycling–any good bike shops?) Restaurants would need to have some vegetarian options as her husband is vegetarian. Help!

    1. Ooh, I can help…

      Veggie restaurants – Henderson’s and David Bann’s (delicious for non-veggies too) – it’s been very rare that we’ve been some place that didn’t have at least one veggie option.
      Eteaket / Anteaques – do gorgeous high tea – you could do the Dome if you felt fancy but both of these are more reasonably priced.
      Edinburgh Gin might do tastings or classes
      There are some yoga studios that do giftcards
      Coffee brewing class at super hipster Brew Lab
      Theatre Tokens can be used at any of the playhouses

      There are some good bike shops but unfortunately no specific recommendations.

  21. Hi ladies, I’m looking to buy my sister a pair of rainboots. She’s previously mentioned that she likes my style of buying fewer, high quality items (e.g., Sorels vs. replacing Target snow boots every few years), but finances/sticker shock usually keep her from doing it herself. With that in mind, any suggestions for rainboot brand? I have the impression that Hunters are the standard, and I’m willing to buy them, but I’d love to spend less if other brands are equally good. Criteria are comfort for long walks, durability, water-proofness, and not totally unstylish.

    1. Apparently Hunters are/were at Costco a week or so ago. Check the website if you’re a member.

      1. One of my friends has hunters that have a zipper up the back. They look so much more comfortable to put on and take off than mine.

    2. Kamiks (can purchase on Amazon for $35ish) are AMAZING. I used to have expensive Le Chameau rainboots and they weren’t that comfortable. I tried the Kamiks figuring I could send them back if they didn’t work, and I just absolutely love them. Comfortable, good tread, very stylish (I got the ones with the different colored soles).

    3. I’ve had the same pair of Tretorn rain boots for 8 years, but I can’t say whether or not they are “stylish”.

    4. LL Bean wellies fit the bill! They aren’t crazy expensive, but they are great quality and can always be returned if they break down. I’ve had a pair for 11 years without any problems. And they are stylish!

      1. Yes, I have a 10+ year old pair, too! Also, Hunters are too tall for me at 5’3″ and hit at my knee instead of just below it such that walking is very difficult. If she is short, you may want to choose other options (or the shorter hunters).

    5. Thanks everyone! Glad to hear there are reasonable options besides Hunters – I’ll check all of these out.

  22. I need Christmas gift help! I have been dating a man for about 5 months, and it is pretty serious. We are both older with grown children, and have talked about moving in together this summer, if everything continues to go well. He has 3 daughters ranging in age from 23 to 30. It turns out I will be spending Christmas day with his extended family, and all 3 of his daughters will be there. I’ve only met 2 of them briefly, but I think it would be appropriate for me to bring a small gift for each of them, in the $30 to $50 price range. But I have no idea what to get. I have a grown son, and I’m not up on what young women that age like. I thought it would be better to just get them all the same thing, since I don’t know them well, any ideas on something that would appeal to most young women, in that price range? I was thinking bath and body stuff, or maybe a book?

    1. Little “value sets” from Sephora. Fancy hand creams, perfume samples, face mask samplers, etc.

      1. Or fancy candles, gloves etc. anything you can buy at Nordstrom (or another convenient store) with a gift receipt.

        1. Yes, exactly that. I buy the L’Occitane sets all the time and the quality is lovely.

    3. I am in that age range and my father is recently remarried.

      Things I would love to receive:
      -a nice scarf
      -a Sephora kit – I asked my mom for the bite beauty discovery kit this year, they also have one with a bunch of perfume samples and a certificate for a full-size bottle that is great
      -a small bottle of nice whiskey and craft bitters/any other little cocktail kit
      -luxurious faux fur throw blanket – should be able to get one in that price point from pottery barn/west elm with current sales
      -in the same vein – colored or clear acrylic tray from west elm (include a gift receipt)
      -frankly, this kind of “sucks”, but an amazon gift card.
      -wine, to dull the pain.

      I love lush personally but scents are super hard. My old roommate couldn’t even go in. Neither can my mother.

      I also love books but those are hard to gift as well.

      The first year my dad was dating his now-wife we gave each other spa kits and it was super awkward. I was regifting my white elephant present.

      1. I’m 25. I never use the little sets and my MIL gives me one every year. I have more hand creams than I know what to do with and I dislike most of the scents. That said, the sets she gets me are lower quality than Sephora or L’Occitane, so if you buy a nicer brand, the gift may be more appreciated.

        I feel like luxurious blankets are always appreciated. Some of my favorite gifts over the years have been snuggly blankets. The faux fur ones from PB are insanely soft.

        I’d also add (though others probably would disagree) that I would love earrings from Kendra Scott, Tory Burch, or Kate Spade. Some of the simpler ones may be in your price range with sales and if you buy them from Nordstrom, you can include a gift receipt.

        2. I dunno, I have all the blankets/throws I need, and it’s a little more “decor” than I prefer to give as a present to someone I don’t know very well.

    4. My BFF’s size 2 step-mom (now ex) was always buying my size 8 friend hideous XL or XXL clothing for gifts because “you’re just so big! I don’t know what to get you!”

      So, don’t do that.

    5. just get them all those Awesome Japanese no-spill coffee mug/carafes and call it a day. Pick 3 different colors.

      http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CHOUI86?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00

      They are sleek, fit well in my work bag, never spill.

      You don’t know them, so I would stay away from generic body lotions (who uses those?), or something risky like clothes/books that are more personal. A functional, high quality gift that is equal for all may be best in these situations.

      Congrats on the relationship!

      2. +1. The last thing I would want is some generic body lotions, but can always use another coffee mug

      3. Maybe that’s a better way to go. I’ll have to find out if they all drink coffee, I know one does.

    6. I’m 32 so slightly older than that range but I’d say a nice gift set from Sephora or maybe a scarf. If they dislike the gift set Sephora’s good about exchanges and everyone likes something there. Otherwise a lot of people like those J.Crew magic wallets and you could tuck a gift card in, or a monogrammed LL Bean tote for each of them…

  23. Bf and I are looking to take a 4-night trip to the Caribbean in mid-April for my 30th birthday. We are open to all-inclusive resorts if the food is good, but would also be fine venturing out to find our own food. I have done Mexico (Cozumel and Cancun) extensively so would prefer to check out a different country. Snorkeling and other low-key activities would be great, but we aren’t looking for nightlife. More so looking for the whole white sand, blue water, really beautiful and peaceful experience.

    Any specific location recommendations, but more importantly, any suggestions for websites to book this kind of trip through?

    We’d like to spend no more than $1000 pp including airfare and food.

    1. Is $1000 pp including airfare and food even possible? Also, you didn’t say where you were flying from.

      2. If your dates are somewhat flexible, try cheap caribbean dot com. I’ve gotten great flight + hotel deals from that site.

        1. Whoops, just saw someone else posted this too. I have booked from there, and they were easy to work with and very responsible (they offered a $100 refund if it rained during our trip, and it did, and we got the $100 back with no hassle)

    2. We stayed at Secrets (all-inclusive, adults only) in Montego Bay in Jamaica, and it sounds like the kind of place you’re looking for – decent snorkeling, options for low-key day trips, and good/varied food options. It was very couples-oriented, so while there was plenty to do at night, it wasn’t clubby (we actually spent most evenings at the piano bar, which was fun). The only thing about where we stayed is that the beach wasn’t exactly much to write home about (it was fine, but nothing special), so you might want to look into one of their other locations if beach quality is super-important to you.

      Also, we booked through JetBlue getaways – I would highly recommend using JetBlue for the whole trip. They have a really good refund/reimbursement policy if anything happens to interrupt or cancel your trip, and their customer service people were very helpful when we had to deal with them about some issues. Plus, you can rack up JetBlue travel points, so our trip to Jamaica actually paid for our airfare to visit friends later in the year because of how many points we earned.

    3. You could also look at cheap caribbean dot com. I haven’t booked anything from them but I’ve heard great things.

    4. You should probably look first at where you can fly cheaply, because flights to the Caribbean can easily be $500-$1000 and where you fall in that range makes a huge difference given how low your budget is.

    5. I love Las Terrenas in the Dominican Republic. Very reasonably priced, not overrun with tourists, and beautiful.

  24. M. Gemi has a 25% off sale today and tomorrow, and I’m sorely tempted; they’re just so pretty! But I don’t need any shoes right now, and I don’t really want to spend the money. Someone talk me out of buying something, please….

    1. I put my earrings in the change purse section of my wallet. I have a little velvet bag a necklace came in, so if I travel I stick a necklace or two in there and then keep it in my makeup bag.

  26. I took a personal day yesterday because of car problems. The project I was working on was potentially launching yesterday so I left my cell phone number in my out of office message in case anyone needed me.

    And I emailed my boss and the technical lead on the project. Since I’m taking a personal day, I wasn’t checking email but assumed I’d be contacted since k left my info ignite was truly an emergency.

    Of course I wasn’t contacted and the project blew up at 6pm.

    Now in waiting to get “feedback” from one of the directors about the project. Everything is fine with the project but I’m expecting that I’ll hear that I should have been fully available yesterday even though I was taking a personal day and even though if there was a problem they should have gone to my boss for assistance.this job is getting to the point were it’s like I can’t take an unexpected day off unless I prepare for it.

    1. Sound like you should explain that you left your contact information with your colleagues, but next time you will be sure to also check your email.

    2. Well, yeah? You shouldn’t have taken a day off like that on an important launch day, and you should have been checking email. You take unexpected not life or death personal days on days that aren’t really important at work.

      1. Yeah, I agree with this. If it’s launch day you should have Ubered to the office or at least checked email throughout the day.

        1. I agree. You weren’t fully available on launch day for your major project? Of course things will blow up that day.

    3. Yes, being professional means you do not take unexpected days off unless for emergencies. You do not choose to take a day off on key dates. I’m surprised this isn’t obvious to you.

      1. Not to pile on, but thinking about this more, I would be quite unhappy if a subordinate chose to take her car to the shop rather than find a way to get to work under these circumstances. And I would be even more unhappy if she didn’t say in touch during the day. You really showed poor judgment here.

        1. Yeah, me too. In fact I have a staff member who pulls stuff like this and I now have her on a performance improvement plan (ie documentation to fire her)

    4. Way harsh Tai!

      I’m totally going to WK the OP here:
      (1) not every company’s email is set up to give employees remote access
      (2) it seems entirely possible that this is one of those projects that had the “potential to launch” every day for like weeks on end
      (3) especially if you have a family, something like car problems can throw many people’s lives into disarray.

      I think it sucks that we live in a world where we are moving in the direction that everyone must be fully available all the time. I get it if you are in biglaw or ibanking that that is what you are getting paid for, but it’s getting to the point where this is trickling down to every-job.

      1. I agree with you. If the boss & technical lead knows you’re out and has your phone contact info but doesn’t call you, instead emails, you, I think it’s reasonable to miss an email.

      2. +1 to this. I think people are answering this from a Big Law (and other Big Job) perspective where all employees have work email on their phones and they are paid very well to basically be available to the employer 24/7. I think it’s easy for those of us in these crazy jobs to forget that most people have 9-5 jobs, don’t check work email outside of work (and may not even be able to) and can actually take a personal day that’s really a personal day instead of a work from home day. I’m not sure why she should be getting blamed for not checking email when she left them her cell phone number. If it was really that big an “emergency” they would have called (says the former Big Law attorney who got called on my cell phone all the time when I wasn’t answering an email promptly enough, aka within 10 minutes).

    5. I think on an important launch day, being late because of car trouble is okay but taking a not-checking-emails-not-calling-into-the-office personal day is really not.

      I’m a lawyer, and I don’t miss important court dates unless I’m hospitalized. If I’m sick, I go. If my car breaks down, I go. If my water heater explodes, I go. If my sister is in a car accident, I go. Of course, it’s important that employers recognize that not everything is important, and that employees need to take personal days from time to time, but it’s also important for employees to recognize that some days are important enough that employees have to put their work priorities before their personal priorities on those occasions.

      1. I think it depends on how soft the launch was. If OP knew the product was launching she could have kept in touch more. If it’s yet another day in a long line of “Maybe it’s today! Or tomorrow! Or sometime soon!” then, meh…

        1. I sure wouldn’t want anybody on my team who had that attitude. It’s launch time until it launches.

          1. Again, we don’t know from OP’s description if it’s a hard launch or something else. If it’s launch day and it’s been on the project timeline for months, I agree, short of dismemberment she should have been in the office/available. But if it’s a situation where “we’ll try to get that out the door this week sometime” then I don’t think she did anything wrong.

          2. Nope. Disagree. If we are trying to get it out this week, that means this whole week is crunch time.

      2. “If my sister is in a car accident, I go.” This is a little extreme. Car trouble, yes, you probably should find a way to make it to the office. But emergencies happen and this attitude that you have to make it to work NO MATTER WHAT is kind of sickening.

        1. It’s not that I have to make it to work no matter what, it’s that I have to make it to important court dates no matter what.

          If it’s a regular work day and a family member is in a car accident, of course I would miss work, and no one in the office would bat an eye. But there are some important work days (like court dates that are scheduled months or years in advance, like launch dates) that I should make absolutely every effort to be at, because me not being there will cause significant problems for my employer. My employer recognizes that not every day falls into that category, and I recognize that some days do. I think it’s the right balance.

    6. Honestly if your boss is mad this sets a bad precedent for invasion of your personal time. Unless you are making *big* money an employer can’t command your time like that. My best friends dad committed suicide and I was reprimanded for “not preparing”. As if it is an expected event. I’m no longer working for that company

      1. Ok, a death is NOT the same as car trouble. I am the SVP over our product and development teams. If someone had car trouble on launch day (or launch week), they’d better be available. Not necessarily in the office (though that is preferred- this is why cabs exist), but 100% accessible by email and proactively checking in.

        if the issue were a death, or hospitalization, it’s different. when you are in a role like this, it’s Crunch Time. Sick kid? I expect you to do your best- get a sitter, work from home as you can, and DEFINITELY check in. If there is a spouse in the picture, this is the time to pull the card and make her/him stay home.

      2. This is plainly not that. We discussed the suicide issue a few days ago and everyone agreed that it was more than reasonable to take time off for a thing like that.

        But expecting an employee to come to work on an important work day, rather than taking an unscheduled out-of-pocket personal day because of a car issue, is not at all what I’d call an invasion of personal time. I’d call it an employee who doesn’t take her job all that seriously or who doesn’t understand what it means to be a professional.

    7. In professional work, you typically can’t take a day off without preparation. On an important day, calling it a ‘personal day’ doesn’t matter. You still have responsibilities.

      However, since you did leave your contact info with your boss and technical lead, you are partially covered (unless the reasonable expectation is that they wouldn’t have been around at 6pm but that you should have). Definitely point that out, but also accept hearing that they want you to follow other protocol (alternate transport in, checking email, etc) in the future. Even if you disagree with it and it spurs you to look for a job elsewhere, carry yourself professionally.

    8. They’ll probably want to know why you didn’t either:

      – get a ride to the office

      – take it to a mechanic near your place, then go home and work there while your car was being worked on

      – take it to a mechanic with wifi in the waiting room and work from there

    9. I would consider this a lesson learned. Meet with your director and apologize. Take responsibility for it with no excuses. Do better next time, but don’t beat yourself up about it.

    10. If project launch support is a part of your job description, and I’m assuming it is, then you need to consider what message you’re sending by taking a personal day on the day a project launches. Because if I’m your employer I’m thinking “If she doesn’t need to be here or available on the day of a project launch, she isn’t that important to that process and we probably don’t need her” (at least not for that specific responsibility).

    11. I agree with the other posters. We’ve had employees not come in due to car trouble — no problem on a normal day, but on a big day — hey, take Uber, ask for a ride, make it happen.

      I think now your best best is to listen to feedback from the affected parties and do your best to make it better. If the feedback is similar to here (bad day to take off unexpectedly), listen politely, don’t be defensive (that makes it seem like you aren’t getting it, apologize, and promise not to do it again.

      Good luck.

    12. To clarify, since everyone assumed I just took the day off just because, I had a reason that was personal and unexpected, I just don’t want to share what the reason was here. But no I didn’t just bail.

      And apparently everything worked out the director was actually soliciting feedback mainly on her team, which I provided as they weren’t 100% all the time. And she confirmed when she sent me an email last night she received my out of office messge, had my cellphone number and got a response from me in 5 minutes.

      and the manager that reports to the director came an apologized for being a jerk. And yes he actually said he was a jerk and I had borne the brunt of it.

      1. No we didn’t, you said it was due to car problems, so we assumed you took the day off to deal with them and we judged accordingly, saying there were probably ways to at least be more responsive to e-mail.

        If there were other problems, the fact remains that if you have responsibilities relating to a product launch, you need to make sure you’re able to fulfill them during product launch, and only unplug to take a complete personal day if it’s an absolute emergency and working is out of the question.

      2. “I took a personal day yesterday because of car problems.” Whatever the actual reason for taking a personal day, you phrased it as though you took the personal day because of car problems That is why everyone assumed you took a personal day because of car problems.

      3. “I took a personal day yesterday because of car problems” is the first sentence in your post. Whatever discussion you have at your work, it is very important that you be straightforward and honest in your explanation to management. You tried to change your story here. Don’t do that at work.

  27. Malachite green double layered jersey sheath dress, jewel neckline, cap sleeves, knot at waist, with a black seasonless wool suit blazer over top? Yes or no? My day involves internal meetings-cocktail party-volunteer board meeting-evening out, with no stops to change in between, other than the jewellery.

    2. Sounds good to me! I’d probably swap flats for the work stuff and heels for the parties, just for fun. Heels & jewelry make almost any outfit festive.

  28. I bought that cashmere sweater from yesterday. Today it’s on sale a little bit more and using my R * E * T * T * E knowledge I chatted with NM and asked for a price adjustment, which they gave me! Thanks for dropping the knowledge y’all! :)

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