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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A boatneck top like this one from Banana Republic is a great alternative to the typical crew- and V-neck tops we see so frequently. I’ll be buying this blouse in multiple colors to layer under blazers and chunky cardigans this winter.
When it comes to accessories, I like pairing this neckline with some more delicate jewelry that will really pop against the dark fabric. (For anyone in the market, I’ve had great luck with Gorjana for everyday pieces that won’t break the bank.)
The top is $70 at Banana Republic and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
Refrigerator help: I’m looking for a standard size refrigerator (not cabinet depth) that is more high end. I’m not interested in fancy features, but I would like a refrigerator with sturdy drawers and bins, not the cheap plastic parts that break within a year. Any suggestions?
Anon
Look at Big Chill and Blue Star Cooking, both are gorgeous lines that are higher end but not highest end. You might need a kitchen dealer to get them, they won’t be at Home Depot.
Seafinch
Highly recommend Fischer Paykel. My friend is the research maven and says they are top shelf. I just followed her advice with fairly little research and am very happy.
Anon
Yes to FP. I am 2 years out from a kitchen reno and have already picked out a FP fridge. (Or, should I say, fridges; they have a double-fridge that is really 2 single units with a connector.)
Anon
They’re great, but make sure there’s someone in your area who can work on them if needed. I ran into this a few years ago with a dishwasher. The dish drawers are awesome if you live by yourself, but eventually it needed a new controller and no one in the area could/would do it. At the time I didn’t have time to DIY, so had to replace.
FP
We are building a house and the brand Dacor came highly recommended from several friends and neighbors. It’s the luxury line from Samsung. We had to go to an appliance dealer to order.
Anonymous
Just a tip to think about a major brand in terms of ease of replacement parts. Even the best refrigerator will need a repair at some point.
Cerulean
Also look into whether there are people able to repair that brand in your area.
anon
^ this from the proud owner of a house with many special unicorn things installed by previous owners.
Anonymous
Siemens or Miele
Seafinch
Bostonians; can you help me figure out the best battle rhythm for a fairly brief trip to the area for a memorial service. All 7 of us have to be in Billierica for a memorial service on the evening of 06 January. We will still all be on Xmas holidays so have no issue coming a couple of days early etc but I have a 6.5 hour drive and lots to do at home. Is it worth driving down on the 4th and spending the 5th and 6th sight seeing (drive home on the 7th). If we were to book a family suite in Billierica (Hampton type thing), is it really painful getting the train into Boston? Google is telling me wildly different things from it takes 35 minutes to 4 hours. Is driving always a nightmare? Should we just drive straight to Boston, stay there and then move to Billierica on the 6th? Many thanks!
And what sights do you recommend for the history interested, food loving, age range of 14- baby?
Seafinch
I have no idea why autocorrect changes Billerica. Sorry!
Anon
where are you going?!?
Anon
The correct pronunciation is “Bricka” :)
Anon
Of course it is haha
FP
I grew up in a neighboring town although I don’t live in the area any more, so you may want to fact check this with someone local. Since that’s still a holiday week I wouldn’t expect a ton of traffic in the usual sense, although yes it will take at least 35 minutes to get into town (I have never in my life had it take four hours to get into Boston). Depending on what side of town the service is in, I would probably not stay immediately in Billerica for the hotel – towns like Burlington or Lexington will have many more options, be closer to a train, and still not be too inconvenient to get to the service if you have a car. As for the train, the Concord line commuter train line is probably the most convenient, although if you have a car you can drive in to Alewife on the red line T, park there, and just get straight on the subway. As for tourist stuff, that’s up to you, but the weather can be absolutely bitter that time of year for most of the fun activities.
Anon
“Alewife” is a wildly descriptive word new to me today. I’m sensing colonial career goals.
Anon
It’s actually a fish!
Anon
OMG learning so many things this morning. Is it delicious? Why is there a T stop named after a fish that isn’t the sacred cod?
Anon
No it’s disgusting, lol. It’s like a herring.
Josie P
Yeah but check out the boston dot com coverage on the red line. The T has been AWFUL lately in terms of on time performance and how long it takes to get into Boston. If you want to sightsee it would be worth it (IMO) to stay in Boston on the 4th and 5th unless it’s wildly more expensive – otherwise Burlington is a good midpoint, and I would recommend driving in rather than taking the commuter rail.
Anonymous
Okay, so first, everything is weather dependent. Could be 2 feet of snow and awful icy, in which case I’d say just come and go for the memorial. Could be 40 with not a flake on the ground.
Second, if you are going to be hitting Boston on a weekend then traffic is fine. Parking is a pain and expensive, but just look up a garage close to your designation and park there. If you are talking a weekday jaunt, then don’t drive. From Billerica that’s a loooong train ride. Trains don’t run all that often. You have a bunch of people so it will be sort of expensive anyway, so just drive :).
For activities, maybe skating on the common? It’s hard to say without knowing the temps. The science museum is nice in winter but not a “classic Boston” outing. A walking tour in the bitter cold is no fun. Pack warm jackets, hats, gloves, and good boots.
Maybe since you are driving anyway, head to concord? See the Alcott house, the minuteman trail, and have a meal at one of the nice restaurants downtown. That’s where I live and it’s a fun little day trip.
Or maybe hit Salem?
Anon
We have so many great museums for winter tourists…Museum of Fine Arts, Institute of Contemporary Art, Isabella Stuart Gardener Museum (which still has the empty frames for the priceless art that was dramatically stolen and never recovered), the Harvard Art Museums (now, always free!) with the very popular glass flowers, the Aquarium.
Eataly is a really fun visit and way to spend a few hours…
Many of these places have free first Thursday/Fridays, so keep an eye out if you’re coming in time on the 5th.
Josie P
Also the science museum is great for kids (esp the younger ones) to blow off some steam, esp if you just let them RUN back and forth (I took my kids there a ton when they were younger).
Anon
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m in Boston proper, and google maps is saying 44 min driving or 3 hours (!!) on public transportation (bus, subway, and commuter rail) to get to the Hampton in Billerica. For context, I’ve never been to Billerica. Perhaps I’ve driven through it, but it’s definitely not considered the Boston metro area.
I would stay in Boston the sightseeing days then move to Billerica.
Former Bostonian
I’m not sure where you’re getting 3 hours on public transit. Billerica is on the commuter rail and is a 33 minute ride from North Station according to G00gle maps. You would need a taxi or Lyft from the commuter rail station out there, which would add some time, but I think it’s perfectly doable if you stay in the right part of Boston.
It’s an outer burb (outside of the 95 ring) but definitely part of the Boston metro area!
Anon
I got it putting the hotel address into google maps from my house in Dorchester.
Former Bostonian
Ok, but she’s visiting and doesn’t have to stay in Dorchester. She can stay somewhere that’s much closer to the right commuter rail line. You sound pretty silly saying t’s not part of the Boston metro area just because you’ve never been there. It definitely is.
Anonymous
Yeah, Dorchester + North Station is the culprit. Billerica is very much the Boston metro area— in fact, your local Dorchester Boys and Girls Club competes in swim dual meets against the Billerica Club. That said, I’d NEVER plan on bringing a family of 7 on the train from Billerica to Boston for sight seeing because of the cost and hassle of schedules.
OP- If you can get a good rate, the “Bunker Hill” Holiday Inn in Somerville is a good option because it has free parking, a fairly large indoor pool and small indoor sports court and is a doable walk from the Orange Line. It’s also a very easy weekend drive to Billerica (almost entirely interstates). I put Bunker Hill in quotes because it is NOT in Charlestown and would be about a 30-40 min walk to the memorial. If the weather is unpleasant, Assembly Row is close to the hotel and has a small LegoLand and a movie theater.
FP
The only thing I can think of (and I hate when google maps does this) is that it takes you on public transit for like 30 minutes, and then its a 2.5 hour / 5 mile walk from the closest MBTA station to the Hampton Inn. If you have a car or are taking an Uber at all, I would expect around an hour each way from Billerica to Boston, give or take about 20 minutes on either side. It will not take three or four hours unless there is some kind of major emergency. Funnily enough, a friend from HS posted about how a major car accident on Route 3 yesterday had turned all of Billerica into a parking lot, because everyone was routed off the highway during rush hour. Anyway, I think it’s easiest to either drive to Alewife and take the T, or drive all the way in and just pay to park. If your kids are like mine and are fascinated by trains and the subway because you don’t have them in your city, the commuter rail from Concord will be fine but I’d have a general idea of a backup plan in case something is off that day.
anon
It is absolutely, one-thousand percent part of the Boston metro area.
Trixie
I suggest staying in Lexington or Concord, and sight seeing the historic stuff re: the revolutionary war in those areas. There are historic sites everywhere in these towns. Both of these town centers are cute and have shops and such to offer. Both have small museums, and walking tours. Hopefully it will not be too cold to be outside, but bring lots of warm clothing. If it is super cold, there are movie theaters in the area, and the Burlington Mall is an indoor place to hang out…but it is just a mall. You can drive into Boston from either of those towns in about 30-45 minutes, and the aquarium is pretty fabulous, as is the Science museum. Both have parking nearby.
Bostonian near Billerica
Life-long Bostonian and I live very close to Billerica.
Transit: In January I would not rely on the commuter rail whatsoever. Forget snow and ice, just sheer cold (like 20 degrees, not even sub zero) can shut it down and cause massive headaches. Plan on driving or ubering in. Your drive will probably be in the ballpark of an hour. Agree with another commenter – it’s still a holiday week (most have Monday off) so you’re likely to get lighter traffic, but it won’t be zero. I’d still drive/uber over any other option). Plus, Friday traffic is lighter just by definition still around here, so I think you’ll be a-ok.
Lodging: I think it’s preference honestly. I could argue for staying in Boston at least one night – maybe night of 6th assuming you arrive the 5th? That week I don’t expect hotel rates to be astronomical (by Boston standards) as most heavy travel is done by then and school is back in session. And, the drive back to Billerica to the north on the evening of the 6th shouldn’t be too terrible.
Weather: you didn’t ask, but has to be addresses. January could be 50 or it could be sub zero, or it could be 30 and 2 feet of snow. Your best bet is to check weather forecast the 7 days leading up and pack accordingly. Depending on what’s going on, that will probably influence the type of sightseeing you do. Being a new englander, I embrace the “there’s no bad weather, just bad clothes” but that also stops somewhere around single digit temps. So, just go in with an open, flexible mind until you have visibility in to the weather. The BIG SNOW we typically get is later in Jan and in Feb, but it’s not unheard of at all to get snow in December and early January.
lulu
I live in a town that abutts Billerica and agree with all of this. I think Burlington is a good bet for lodging – lots of newer suite hotels and they should have more competitive weekday rates. Billerica hotels are often high m-f because of the low inventory near the business/office parks.
Anon
Okay, back up a few steps.
Don’t switch hotels; that gets tiring.
With seven people (and one car?), you are best off driving into Boston or staying there. Seven people on the commuter rail is expensive. For example, Woburn to North Station is $7 each way per person, or $98 round trip for your family. For that money, just drive and park.
If you don’t want to book a big suite in downtown Boston, look at the hotels on 128. I would try Woburn, Waltham, or Newton: 93 and the Mass Pike offer (IMHO) easier access to Boston than does Route 3. Route 2 brings you to Alewife. You could park and take the T, but I have heard that parking is often full by about 8 am.
Several places in Boston have early bird parking. For a tourist, I would recommend the Motor Mart Garage: $24 if in before 10 am and exit within 12 hours, and right next to Boston Common.
Bostonian near Billerica
I like the recommendation of booking a hotel in the burbs and not in Billerica, but Burlington/Stoneham/Woburn vs Boston to avoid switching. Billerica is close to both and by being in Woburn specifically you get to dodge the 93/95 interchange, which can be a special type of hell. Burlington also gives you the option of doing the Route 2 drive to Alewife with relative ease and probably limited traffic (Alewife is northern end of Red Line subway), which gives you all kinds of access to Harvard Square, downtown Boston and connections to other subway (“T”) lines)
Burlington has a newer hotel stock in general over near the Burlington Mall. Woburn has hotels but they’re old and generally sketch.
Anon
Burlington to Boston isn’t a great drive though. It’s down 128 to Route 2 (traffic), then Route 2 to Alewife (more traffic). Driving from Alewife to downtown Boston is a nightmare for those unfamiliar with the roads. If the plan is to park at Alewife, stay closer to Route 2. If the plan is to drive all the way in, 93 or the Pike.
lulu
There are a few hotels directly off Route 2 in Concord that might work.
Anonymous
Battle rhythm? What are you talking about?
Anon
That what I thought? What the heck??
Seafinch
Sorry if it confused you; common expression in government that just means something like, “the plan to execute a complicated and highly orchestrated logistical undertaking”. Or in my case, traveling across the border with five kids including a napper, over Xmas holidays for a particularly timed event”
Anonymous
Interesting! I’ve always heard “battle plan”.
Anon
I have never heard of it either. Who are you fighting?
Seafinch
Many thanks to all! Great advice. it hadn’t even occurred to me that transit tickets would be so expensive. Sounds like driving wherever we decide is the best bet probably. Will turn my mind to Concord and Lexington. We like that kind of history. I feel like Boston proper really shines in warmer weather so maybe we save that for another trip. We are fine planning for and driving in winter, we’re coming from Ottawa and have lived years in Edmonton.
Scilady
If you are history people definitely hit up the the Concord museum, the Lexington Battle Green, and Minuteman National Park. Both Lexington and Concord have cute downtowns that you could wander around in, although probably would only take half a day.
In Boston the Science museum is a bit hit for multiple ages and adults. It’s huge and there’s a lot to do. Other museums you might want to consider are the Boston Tea Party Museum and across the bridge is the Children’s museum if you wanted to split the group. Skating/ wandering around the Boston Common is also great.
With 6 people definitely park. The T is useful but a little unpredictable and commute rail fares will get you, as mentioned above.
Nonstick Fry Pans
In the market for some non-stick frying pans. Mine just hit 10 years and while they’ve been work horses for me, they’re out of juice. What’s the gold standard these days, and then maybe a rung down from there? I have a William Sonoma near my house so I may just pop over there today after work but figured I should do some homework first.
While I do a lot of cooking in general, they get near daily use for things like eggs, pancakes and other less fancy stuff.
TIA
Cerulean
I don’t think there really are “gold standard“ non stick since they have a limited shelf life no matter how high end you go. Wirecutter recommends a Tramontina pan.
Anonymous
And I use a Lodge cast iron skillet for all of the uses you listed. Inexpensive and lasts forever, but it sounds like you have a strong preference for nonstick.
Anon
Me too. Reading about PFAS scared me.
Anonymous
I hated the Tramontina pan. Do Not Recommend.
Anon
Seasoned cast iron (just basic Lodge pans in a few different sizes) and stainless tri-clad Tramontina are our go-to pans. We use the Lodge pans for eggs, pancakes, sauteing, etc. and Tramontina for tomato-based dishes or sauces. Oh, and an enameled cast iron dutch oven (pretty sure it’s a Pioneer Woman brand) for stews, soups, and baking bread.
Anon
Voice of dissent on cast iron for this use case, they are such a PITA to clean properly and heavy! Yeah you theoretically can season them to kinda be nonstick, but I hate anything that has to be babied like they do. Takes all the fun out of Sunday brunch.
OP
I have multiple cast irons and while I do love them, they don’t work for the quick-hitting stuff I’m looking to make on the regular, at least for me. Looking for specifically not cast iron.
anon
I agree. I love cast iron for certain things, but it will never be my “everyday” pan.
Anon
Agree with this. I have seasoned cast-iron pans and like them for a lot of things, but not for absolutely everything. It seems like some people start using cast iron and become evangelists for it, and like to insist it’s the perfect pan for every possible culinary need. That has not been my lived experience.
FWIW I use All-Clad nonstick; the pans go on sale at TJ Maxx and Sierra often enough that I can replace them when the coating starts coming off without wincing too hard at the expense. And even the good ones inevitably need to be replaced, even if you baby the pans and only use nylon/plastic implements with them.
Anon
They aren’t for everyone if weight is a factor but once you figure out how cooking in them differs from how you use a lightweight pan, they actually clean really easily. And you can use metal utensils without destroying your non-stick layer.
For instance, my 6″ Lodge gets used for eggs most days and nothing really sticks. Cleaning only involves a quick swirl with a soapy brush, rinse, brief towel to remove most of the water, then back onto the burner to fully dry as both the pan and burner cool off. We seasoned it once a few years ago and just use it since then. There is no babying.
Runcible Spoon
Or you can clean seasoned cast-iron pans with just water, as hot as you can get it, and a dish brush, then dried with a dishcloth to remove as much moisture as possible, immediately. Voila!
Anon
I’d say if you need to baby your cast iron, you’ve seasoned it wrong. They are the easiest of our pans to care for.
Anon
Cleaning dishes immediately is having to baby them! I want a pan that can sit while I eat.
Runcible Spoon
Interesting, I was taught to use cast iron cookware for tomato-based dishes, in order to take advantage of ingesting iron leached by the tomato acid. This was many, many years ago, however, so perhaps the thinking has changed on how desirable it is to get your iron from your pots and pans.
Anon
Interesting, I was taught to use cast iron cookware for tomato-based dishes, in order to take advantage of ingesting iron leached by the tomato acid. This was many, many years ago, however, so perhaps the thinking has changed on how desirable it is to get your iron from your pots and pans.
Cb
Alternative view, the non-stick on my Always pan has gone. It also only works on 1/4 induction burners.
Anon
An, I use ours on a gas stove and it’s going strong after a year of constant use.
Cerulean
Yup, ceramic coatings have a much shorter lifespan than Teflon.
Anon
Yeah, that’s part of my original point, you do have to replace them more often, but they’re lighter and easier to clean. I’m down to 3 pots for everything – a Le creuset braiser and Dutch oven for pretty much all things except breakfast, which is where that always pan comes into play. I’ve run through the green pan faster and someone always wrecks the stainless steel (helpful houseguests making breakfast). This darn thing I wanted to hate because it was everywhere has really been great. They’re cute too if you need it to sit out.
Ses
+1 for always pan. I baby it but it’s still in perfect condition after a year of medium use and it makes eggs better than any other pan I have.
ollie
Tramontina works well, and they’re reasonably priced at Costco.
anon
Ive been happy with our hexclad pans
anon
The kirkland signature brand of nonstick pans is also great. I got a three pack and they are holding up very well six months in.
Anon
Zwilling! We got the 8” as a gift a couple years ago and loved it so much we bought ourselves the 10”. My in-laws were here a couple weeks ago and remarked how nice they were (my FIL considers himself the breakfast king so always cooks eggs and sausage for us).
https://www.zwilling.com/us/zwilling-clad-cfx-2-pc-stainless-steel-ceramic-non-stick-frying-pan-set-66730-002/66730-002-0.html
Anon
Agree–Zwilling or the T-Fal professional are my faves.
Shananana
I replace my non stick like every 2-3 years with new all-clad from whatever home discount store I am at that has them. Non stick isn’t something I like to mess around with the coating getting screwed up, and I have found good 10 inch pans there for like twenty bucks. I also use the other options below, but there are some mornings when I do not have properly use my cast iron for eggs mental energy and just want to turn on the heat and drop in eggs.
Anon
Honestly the standard is stainless steel or ceramic. Nonstick just has too many negative health risks and it doesn’t last. I use my stainless steel pans for eggs almost every day and the trick is to heat them up enough before you add the oil. Once you get it right, it’s just as good as nonstick, if not better because you’re not dealing with flakes of Teflon.
Anonymous
+1. We are trying to reduce our chemical consumption. Caraway is reasonably priced ceramic coated cookware. We got ours at Home Depot.
test run
Ours are from Green Pan and we really like them (they’re the same company they use on Great British Baking Show, lol). I think we’ve had ours for about four years and no issues so far.
Anon
I use a small greenpan for eggs and sometimes pancakes and it’s great. Someone gifted us a stoneware nonstick skillet and it’s great too. I find cast iron too fussy, and I prefer stainless for most things, but I do like the nonstick for eggs and pancakes.
Z
I got this All-Clad set for Christmas last year: https://www.all-clad.com/ha1-hard-anodized-nonstick-cookware-fry-pan-set-8-inch-10-inch-with-lid-12-inch-with-lid.html
I use them all the time, they look great. I hand wash only and don’t use metal utensils on them (though I think the instructions say they are dishwasher safe).
Josie P
I get mine at the All Clad seconds sale (g o o g l e and you can put your email in) – set of 3 for like $100 and then I just replace them if/when they get scratched.
Deep South
I got instagram influenced to purchase Caraway cookware and have added several more pieces. It is truly non stick. the mini pan is great for eggs in the morning.
Anon
I have a single nonstick for eggs and just regularly replace it. I’m awestruck that you got 10 years. My current egg pan is an Oxo brand and it’s great. I would not pay big money for a nonstick pan.
The rest of my pots and pans are All Clad and Le Creuset. I’ve had the All Clad since 1998, and most of my Le Creuset I bought one piece at a time and is at least 10 years old. Thats the kind of stuff that’s an investment. Not nonstick pans. Don’t spend too much money!
NY CPA
I like my OXO Good Grips Pro line pans (the ones with silver handles). I have an 8″ for eggs and a 10″ and 12″ for other cooking. I think I got the recommendation from America’s Test Kitchen and I’m usually happy with their recs.
anon
William Sonoma’s house brand is white-labelled from other much more expensive brands. Historically, it will go on sale for black friday/christmas, so I’d hold off unless you really need a pan now.
NYC
I replace my non stick pans ever 2 years max (for health reasons, as the coating wears off, etc) so I don’t get terribly expensive ones. Calphalon or All Clad. Just got a new set of 3 non stick All Clad fry pans at Costco that I’m happy with so far.
oldladylawyer
I know people have posted similarly, looking for advice and also just to vent feeling sad and mad. Taking a group of eighth grade boys to an NBA game for my son’s birthday). A mom called to “let me know” that two of the boys (one of whom i would have said was his closest friend) are trying to organize a group to go to a concert the same the night. I reached out to the moms who said they weren’t allowing their kids to go to the concert and that they’d be at the party but I’m so annoyed and feeling sad for my guy and wanting to order him a new group of friends. He does not know anything about this as best as I can tell. To add texture my kid so far as I know is a reasonably mainstream kid, plays sports, goes to sleepaway camp, has always been in the popular group though not the top of the pyramid. I guess the question (if the first part was a vent) is how do you gear your kids to good friends? His older brother has never been in the cool group but really does have a core group and my closest friends in the world are my child hood best friends… I had concerns about these kids before this and have said any number of times something along the lines of “what makes someone your friend is that they have your back and are nice to you” ultimately if he wants to continue hanging out with these meanies there’s nothing i can do? i certainly don’t want to tell him about this, it’s so upsetting….
Anon
ugh…
how old is your son?
This is very hard to watch, as a parent.
I actually went through a very similar experience/friend group as a child.
Unfortunately theses are lessons he needs to learn for himself, as he figures out what real friends are.
Encouraging his hobbies and friendships through those helped to balance our the school cliques.
And a small group attending an NBA game is actually better than a big group. it will be an incredible experience for him. in the end it wont matter there are fewer people.
oldladylawyer
he is in eighth grade, his birthday is actually june (so he’s 13.5) but he was having some FOMO with so many kids having bar mitzahs so we decided to do something super splashy and special and it was actually much cheaper to do NBA than NFL so we pushed the celebration to winter….
Anon
I think this may be part of it. It’s not fair, but people take birthday celebrations less seriously when the actual birthday is months away.
Anon
I have to admit the FOMO about the bar mitzvahs kind of rubs me the wrong way. A bar mitzvah is not like a birthday party. Jewish kids work REALLY hard to prepare for those, and the party is aspect is just the culmination of 5+ years of intensive Hebrew school and homework. If my (ethnically Jewish but not religious) kid whined about not getting a bat mitzvah party, I would shut it down fast with “you didn’t do the work to earn one.” The fact that you’re indulging this with a huge splashy 13.5 birthday party is kind of off-putting to me.
Anon
Agreed.
And depending on where OP lives, going to an NBA game may not even be a big, special occasion for some of the kids. I grew up in a city with a major sports team and going to games was pretty common. So I can see how a concert might be more exciting for some kids.
anon
Ha, I was baptized when I was 12 (traditional in my faith) and wanted to know why I wasn’t having a big party when so many of my friends were having bar mitzvah parties, and my mom was just like, “Because that’s not part of our culture, and also you didn’t have to go to Hebrew school for 6 months.”
Anon
Yup, your mom had it right! It’s definitely normal for a 12-13 year old to be sad about not getting a bar mitzvah party, especially if many of their friends do, but the parent reaction should be “that’s not our tradition and you didn’t do the work” not “ok, I’ll throw you a big party for your half birthday to make up for it.” The latter is how you create spoiled kids.
anon
Yeah and not to pile on, but I’m a June birthday and as a kid, I had many birthdays where none of my friends could do something special with me b/c they were on family vacations. I can’t imagine having a birthday party for my half birthday and anyone taking that as seriously as an actual birthday (setting aside the bar mitzvah part which I also agree is not a fair comparison).
Anon
are you jewish? feels a bit silly to try to make up for not having a bar mitzvah. but yea it is part of growing up. i was the unfortunate victim of a lot of mean girl stuff growing up and i know it was hard for my mom to watch. and honestly some of it was even into adulthood. i will say that my personal life besties are my college friends, not my middle/high school crew, though i know everyone is different, but let him try to have fun with the friends who will be there.
Anon
Ok, so it’s not actually his birthday party. I get that things are tricky for summer birthday kids, but if you have everyone celebrate you in June, you can’t get that upset when they’re not super eager to celebrate you again in December.
Anon
It just part of being a kid and growing up. Other kids will be jerks sometimes, and good ones will emerge. I get it’s hard to watch but let it play out. We all survived this.
Anonymous
Are you offended that your son wasn’t invited to the concert or that they are trying to get out of the birthday party? I can imagine a scenario in which a really exciting concert would trump an NBA game without any malicious intent on the part of the boys. I don’t know what music boys are into, but if my daughter’s good friend who is a total Swiftie got tickets to a Taylor Swift concert on the day of my daughter’s birthday party, my daughter would be thrilled for her.
oldladylawyer
your daughter would be thrilled if all of her friends would rather go to a concert than her birthday? what a special child you are raising.
anon
Yeah, I don’t buy this! I can see a mixture of being happy for them and a whole lot of hurt.
Anon
I’m sure it would sting, but this is really pretty normal behavior and not some horrible cruelty. If you survived childhood without experiencing something like this, you were lucky.
Anon
It’s not even his birthday, though. And I’m a different poster, but I’ve seen how people are about Taylor Swift and they’d take any chance they can get to go! So it’s hard to say whether this is the boys deliberately trying to ditch the party, in which case I do understand being upset, or if it’s just a concert they want to go to and they don’t think it’s a big deal because they don’t really care that much about going to a basketball game on some random day months away from your son’s actual birthday.
Anon
This.
Anon
I agree, especially with the additional context that it’s kind of meant to be a faux bar mitzvah for a non-Jewish kid.
oldladylawyer
they’re not going to taylor swift and the invitation was to a birthday party. wow. i guess this is how eighth grade boys turn out like this, all these parents think it’s OK to accept an invitation and then back out of it?
Anon
Taylor Swift was obviously just an example – she typically appeals more to girls but there is presumably some equivalent for middle school boys.
I don’t think anyone here is saying that it’s great behavior, but it’s pretty typical and you will make life harder for your kid if you act like this is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened and all these kids are evil. Let him be hurt, sympathize with his feelings, but also don’t prevent him from moving on and hanging out with these kids in the future. My mom overreacted to typical childhood drama, and it did me a huge disservice. Now that I’m a mom I cringe thinking about some of the things she did, and I know life will be easier and less painful for my kid if I empathize with her feelings but stay out of it.
Anon
I think you’re being really extra sensitive here. A kids birthday is rarely some special gathering, I’d put it on the nice to go list, make an effort for the best friend, but not for any old kid in the class.
Anon
I have a kid with a summer birthday and she got over it really fast that she will have a party and maybe 25% of the people she wants to be there are there. Some kid is always away or off with a shared custody parent and their worlds are just bigger and more complex, especially since COVID ended and there are kid activities again. Especially with teens — you will never see your band friends socially in the fall unless you are in band with them. Or serious sports kids. Or whatever. Something is always competing on the calendar.
I’d be a bit annoyed that my kid wasn’t included, but that’s a private annoyance, nothing I’d telegraph or comment on. I’d be glad my ticket bill would be less. And it’s still fun!
Anon
I’m not saying it’s good behavior and I certainly wouldn’t let my (nonexistent) child get away with that. But I also don’t think you do your kid any favors when you assume everything is personal. I have two brothers and 13 year old boys are not exactly known for their emotional sensitivity. Sometimes they just want do something different and it’s not really about your kid. Making him think that they hate him and that he’s a terrible judge of people is only going to make him feel worse.
Former Bostonian
What do you mean “all these parents”? You said two people out of a large group backed out, that’s hardly “all.”
RR
That’s really an over the top take. Even the parents in your story appear to have gone above and beyond because they said no to the concert and compelled attendance at the prior commitment. So literally no parents actually involved in the situation thought it was “OK to accept an invitation and then back out of it.”
Honestly, I don’t even think any of my three kids would care if a couple of their friends backed out to go to a concert, depending on intent. It’s a lot different if it’s just that the concert seemed like a rare opportunity than if they are being deliberately cruel. Of course, some kids would be upset, and that’s heartbreaking to see as a parent. I can’t tell though from your post if your kid is one who would be upset or if it’s just that you are upset on his behalf.
Gently, I’d encourage you to think through whether this is even an issue for your son or if you are projecting your own feelings into the situation.
Anonymous
You clearly don’t have a teenage Swiftie in your house. My daughter would super happy to change her party to go to a TS concert. And if she didn’t have tickets for some reason – she’d still be happy for her friends.
Anon
It sounds like maybe she already bought the tickets, so I do understand annoyance on that front.
Anon
Sure but she can sell them on Stubhub. It’s not the end of the world!
Anonymous
It not all of his friends. It’s two.
Anon
Yeah I could see this being not nefarious, just perhaps somewhat thoughtless, if it’s the concert of some band or performer that these kids really love and is only on that particular night. The way to address it would be for them to talk to your son and explain, and possibly move the game to another night (since it’s not actually on his birthday and if there’s other games that would work just as well).
anon
I don’t think there’s something you do different here as a parent – this is a crappy but near-universal childhood experience. Kids will be by turns great friends, betray each other in awful ways, pretend not to know each other, come through in times of terrible need, stick up for each other, not stick up for each other…it is just life, even with “good” kids.
Anonymous
I would try to moderate my own feelings about this as much as I could. He is likely to follow your lead on how much to be upset or just take it in stride.
It’s really hard, but I would also try not to make so many assumptions: 1) If it were a Taylor Swift concert, I would know it says more about girls’ love for Taylor than it would be feelings about my kid, especially at that age. 2) Keeping the same group friends your whole life isn’t the only key to happiness and I think it’s becoming the exception rather than the rule 3)This situation shouldn’t be a reflection on your kid’s judgment.
Would I be disappointed? Absolutely. Would it hurt to see my kid disappointed? Yes. But I also think it’s a good opportunity for resilience. He still can go to his event with some friends and he can choose to enjoy that or he can let this moment shake his confidence—make him feel less than or question whether people really like him and whether he can make good choices about people, which is the path you risk sending him on.
Anon
Agree with every word of this.
Anon
Agreed with all of this. +1 that your expectation that eighth grade friends will be lifelong besties is unrealistic based on what I’ve seen. My best adult friends are from high school and college, and many people make close friends post-college too. I am still very fond of my eighth grade BFF and neither of us did anything to hurt the other, but she moved to a different country in early high school and it was pre-internet and we didn’t sustain a close friendship. We’re now “liking each other’s pics on Facebook and exchanging holiday cards” friends, which seems perfectly normal and appropriate to me. I still cherish our middle school memories.
Anon
To add, none of my best friends are from any of my school years – not elem, not HS, not even college! I met them in my early 30s when I moved to a new to me at the time town (where I still live). My life is awesome despite not having childhood besties!!
Anon
Spot on advice.
Anonymous
This. Don’t put too much pressure on his friendships.
Many people have perfectly fine friends in school who are not ‘lifelong besties’. My two best friends I’ve known since junior high but we weren’t even that close until college and my other close friends I met later in life.
anon
I think you are taking this too seriously. These are 13 year old boys. They aren’t plotting to be evil to your son. They got invited to a basketball game and now they heard about a concert that they think might be more fun. They have no idea how much time, money, energy you might have spent planning this. And it’s not even for your son’s actual birthday so they may not even be really making that connection, they just think it’s a random game. As an aside, it’s nice that your childhood best friends are your closest friends but that is not standard so you should not put expectations on your kids friend groups now that they need to be the world’s greatest friends for ever and ever. It’s annoying and a bummer that this happened, but you’re better off underplaying it to our son than making it seem like a huge tragedy and that his friends are awful.
Anon
+1
It also sounds like there are still kids coming to the game? So it’s not like your son is being totally abandoned. And it’s not even his birthday!
Anon
Agreed. It’s entirely possible that the boys totally forgot and didn’t realize the events were on the same day when they started talking about the concert. As a parent, I would be miffed that all the other parents didn’t shut this down – but I very much doubt my parents were keeping tabs on what social events I had what days when I was 13 (and I hope I am not doing such coordinating when my kid is 13). So the parents of the concert-organizing kids might not have realized.
I think it’s really nice you want to give your son the birthday he wants. But it’s also time to let him navigate these things on his own. He’s old enough to do most of the planning for his own gathering, and to follow up with his own guests about their attendance. It’s also the time where he will inevitably experience disappointment by his friends, and likely in turn disappoint his friends. I, in my 40s, remember these experiences distinctly from middle school, and they sucked. But it’s because if those experiences and memories that I’m (I hope) a more thoughtful friend as an adult. I think he will come through this for the better having dealt with this directly!
Anonymous
You’re overreacting on this. The kid’s birthday is in June. His friends likely don’t appreciate the work that went into the NBA game tickets and maybe it’s a concert that they really wanted to go to that they didn’t think tickets were available for.
It’s not great behavior but if these are otherwise good kids, I’d let it go for sure and not say anything to your son.
Roller girl
Honetly, I’m suprised that you are engaged in this level of hand-holding regarding your sons friend group at his age. But beyond that, this is an outing for his half-birthday and there are literally hundereds of basketball games every year. Concerts for well liked musicians come around much less often. Those facts matter a lot. I wouldn’t blame a 13.5 year old for wanting to see a concert over going to a basketball game for a half-birthday.
NaoNao
Hm I don’t think this is “mean” per se unless the kids have already committed long ago and you’ve made it clear that you’re splashing out quite a bit of coin on this event. To me it reads like the concert is more attractive than the NBA game or a more “once in a while” opportunity and I *do* get how hurtful it is to feel like “second choice” but I don’t think this is “these people aren’t your real friends” territory. But it might be a chance to help a young man express feelings in a positive way–maybe encourage him to speak up! And say “wow, I’m a little let down that you’re choosing Wu Tang [or whoever] over my party. I get it, but I’m just letting you know that hurts.”
Anonymous
This is over the top. You are going to raise the next generation of people who as adults whine about their friends’ not prioritizing old friendships above family and personal lives.
Anonymous
For context: i have an almost 13 year old daughter. Her BFF is having her bat mitzvah this year.
I know what you mean about a big 13th bday in a year of Really Big 13th Birthdays. I told my daughter she could pick an extra big 13 or 16 and she wanted to wait for 16.
Your son’s bday is in June. If your area is like mine (affluent), a lot of the kids have no idea what a big deal nba tickets are. I took my daughter and her bff to a Celtics game (good seats) as her birthday party/gift last year and it was some serious money. The kids probably see this as “being invited to a game with a good friend” vs “seeing a concert I really want to see.” Both are good options and it’s not like they are missing your kids bar mitzvah or anything.
Anonymous
Different take: I would caution against putting much emphasis on the importance of middle school friends. Your experience with your childhood friends is amazing but also pretty unique; most people don’t have a group of lifelong friends. At that age, I struggled with friends taking advantage of me or not treating me well. My mom telling me that I should be friends with these people for life made me feel like I had to put up with the mistreatment or else I’d be a friendless loser for life, which made me feel that I didn’t deserve to be treated well, and that nothing would ever improve. It was very isolating.
Anon
In the grand scheme of middle school drama, a couple kids choosing to go to a concert instead of a half birthday party is minuscule. It doesn’t mean they secretly hate your child, it doesn’t mean they’re bad kids, and it doesn’t mean you should make your child feel like his outing is ruined. You’re expecting too much of 13 year olds.
Also, it’s pretty offensive that you feel your child deserves a splashy party because Jewish kids have bar mitzvahs. It’s a celebration to acknowledge years of studying and preparation. A mitzvah (charitable) project is required as well. Bar mitzvahs are the only time American Jewish kids get something special that Christian kids don’t experience. You don’t need to “make things even” for your child.
Anon
it is rude to accept an invitation and then switch your rsvp if something better comes along so i’m sorry if this is happening to your son.
Anon
+ a million, and shame on the mom(s) who are teaching their kids that it’s ok to do this if a “better” offer comes along.
Anon
I posted above, and I totally agree. But I think at 13, this is the kid’s problem to address his friends’ rudeness directly, not the mom’s problem to solve behind the scenes for him.
Anonymous
The moms aren’t teaching their kids that it’s OK. oP called the moms to complain and they told their kids they had to go to the party. Which seems over the top on OP’s part, but the other moms have done absolutely nothing wrong. It also seems like there is some mama drama going on here, what with the one mom snitching on the other moms’ kids and all.
Anon
Omg they’re literally not doing that, though.
NYCer
This is where I fall too. It sounds like all the boys’ moms are on the same page though, so hopefully everyone will still come and your son will have fun.
Also, as another poster mentioned, your son will be totally fine if his middle school friends are not his life long besties. I am still in contact with a grand total of one person from middle school (we were at a K-8 private school, and kids went in all directions for high school). I have happy life with many close friends whom I met later in life.
Seventh Sister
Honestly, I think this sounds like a case of 13yo boys either being unaware of the potential conflict or not realizing that both an NBA game and a concert are kind of a big deal. Even my eldest, who is relatively thoughtful and a pretty good planner, will double-book and/or be unaware of the effect that bailing could have on a friend. I wouldn’t necessarily ascribe malice when stupidity will do just fine. That said, I mostly like my kids’ closest friends, but there are a few in their outer circle that do seem to enjoy creating drama.
Anon
My main question is what does your kid think? I would just tell him the facts very neutrally – X and Y decided to go to a concert that night and so wont be at the basketball game – and see how he reacts. You don’t need to be this upset for him, it just seems like kid flakiness not a specific slight to your kid.
Amelia Pond
I loved this top so much I now own three of them! it’s pretty lightweight and not itchy so it layers well under blazers. I’ve gotten several compliments on how flattering the neck line is too.
Anon
thanks for the rec. i love the look.
NYNY
I will likely get both the red and the black. I’ve been liking Banana’s stuff lately, but am often disappointed how limited the color palette is on several items. Give this to me in a teal or deep violet and I’ll buy multiples!
Anon
At least there are some deep reds, which is a welcome change from all neatral, all the time.
Anon
BR has really changed. Everything is beige and SUPER pricey. It used to be my favourite place for work tops.
anon
here here….
Anon
Yes! Beige/camel makes me look like I’m not wearing a shirt at all. Not the look I’m going for. I really like this too but cannot justify another black wool item in my closet full of black wool.
Formerly Lilly
Has anyone seen the cream colored one in person and can speak to how sheer it might be.
Anon
My comment mis-nested – For anyone who likes the neckline of the featured top. When I needed high necked tops like this to cover laser bruising on my chest, I couldn’t find any high enough in the store, so I cut the tags off several of my v neck tees and wore them backwards. It looked just like this.
anon
huh… great advice
pbj
Late response to the advent calendar request – Trader Joe’s has a 12 days of scented candles calendar that is super cute!
CK
I noticed that Uncommon goods has several good advent calendars as well.
Anon
What are some good stores to try on plus size clothes in person? My body has changed since covid, and I don’t know how to dress myself anymore. I’m plus size, which means I do a lot of online shopping. Lately everything I buy doesn’t fit well. I really need to try on in person, but I’m at a loss for stores beyond Macy’s or TJ Maxx/Marshalls/Ross, which are usually more casual than what I’m looking for in work clothes.
Anonymous
It’s really tough since brick and mortar is really watching inventory and almost impossible for office clothes since everything has skewed so casual now. Our large Nordstrom annd Talbots are about the only stores worth trying (and even then it’s pretty limited). I do best just accepting that I’ll buy the same thing online in different sizes and return. One new gem for me has been Eloquii. Don’t be scared off that some of their clothes look like they belong in the club. I’ve also gotten some really great blazers and suiting.
Anonymous
Honestly, Talbots. Call and find one that has straight and plus sizes, especially if you’re cusp (16/18).
NY CPA
+1 Talbots is the only plus size store I commonly go to in person
Anon
I don’t think there’s any good stores to try things on at any size, myself. If there’s an item in stock, it’s the exception not the rule. It’s a lot easier to look at size charts, reviews and take a swing at ordering online. Also just go with places with great return policies, like Nordstrom.
NaoNao
Eileen Fisher if you have a brick and mortar store–they now have 1x as one of their standard in-store sizes and their XL is a generous up to 16 or so.
Nordstrom has a sprinkling of options. Anthropologie carries plus and they have some of the options in-store. Eloquii used to have a store in the Houston Galleria but it might be closed now–not sure!
RR
Obviously Lane Bryant. Some Nordstroms have an okay collection. Talbot’s if you can find one that has plus sizes. Weirdly even though the name is horrible, Dress Barn tends to have lots of options. A great option if the timing works is Universal Standard–they don’t really have stores, but they do pop up styling in various cities where you can try things on in person. You can sign up for their emails to get informed when they come near you.
My city doesn’t have a brick and mortar Eloquii or Anthro with plus sizes in store.
This is why though that I usually just end up ordering tons of stuff to try on and then returning what doesn’t fit. Once you know what works for you, it gets a bit easier.
Anon
Try J. Jill. I know they have a very specific target customer but I have found some really nice pants and blouses there lately. And, they have a few soft suiting sort of jackets/sweaters as well. They have a very broad size range through 4x sometimes and regularly include talls and petities in their line.
Moose
Target!
Anonymous
I have been super bummed every time I’ve tried to shop in person recently. I’m a size 16 and there’s literally nothing in stores for me. It’s even worse for my teen daughter, who is also the same size (genetics come in hard, man) and trying to be a size 16 teen girl is pretty much the WORST. If anyone has suggestions, I’d gladly take them.
Anon
Posting here in case you come back–my new favorite carries 16/18 discovery is a store called Saint & Sofia. I really like their stuff–it’s edgier and fun. They have some blouses (particularly cowl neck) that look really expensive. Some of their stuff is a bit rock-n-roll-ish, but I’m here for it–I need new going out tops!
Anon
I need help. I have been desperately looking for knee-high black kitten-heeled boots and struggling to find anything $300 or under. I finally found a few pairs that I love (see links below, although the anthro pair look more modern to me) …but they’re suede, and I live in the frozen tundra. Every time I’ve had suede boots they’ve been immediately destroyed by salt stains during the winter. And yes, I have tried the different sprays, etc. Has anyone found anything similar to these boots but in leather?? Hoping to jump on a Black Friday sale!
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/silent-d-erena-kitten-heel-boots
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/shoes/boots/stevie-knee-high-boots-in-suede/BT909
Anon
https://www.naturalizer.com/product/womens-27-edit-falencia-knee-high-dress-boot-3025796/black-leather-ec0236963?currency=USD&partnerid=paid_search_google_pla_pmax-boots-full-price&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAmNeqBhD4ARIsADsYfTcDsVwyFbmpHMBDs0qnWa0WDJHAdFCPdGpuhN2fpEsOejLfHKuPc78aAvhUEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Anon
I would pass on the Anthro pair. I have a pair of ankle boots that are the same brand I bought last year. They are very cheaply made. The sole is about 1/8 inch of plastic. It started coming loose after a few wears. Shoe repair place said they are made in a way that is not really repairable. Where the sole peeled up you can see cardboard .
Anon
I own some LaCanadienne that fit your description, so maybe you can find them used. Here’s a pair that is listed on eBay, to give you an idea what they look like: https://www.ebay.com/itm/204162540916?hash=item2f89092574:g:1e4AAOSw8LxjftpT&amdata=enc%3AAQAIAAAA4LYx5rw3O33mtOPkwxjPnBJTbwoOIoNpE8fQXoSIdOwccGpvQfjJHuQA9wokd4kLTAYa%2BcbbfdzNo0Nyg60LWBfgjXY3Yr2gShPAsiS96OZ5yAuFIMrGJede3xRUiHw%2FyU4BwC6SDYXOLc8c0Qe%2B8s3ybxnmFw%2FN7BUs%2FkdQokXEYg9pVCiliDmky%2FScsc62km7Rz42SMcV8GH%2BzXx80nSeTzhZiEANKeaGfp60ZyUr4KpnFgJjKcFMhMKvxBLd%2Fo0fVxwkgJixrhtYOzURenPL0jzZ0LE%2FIfHehrgi6iVqu%7Ctkp%3ABk9SR8qPjo_7Yg
Anon
I don’t think kitten heels are very trendy right now which might explain why you’re having trouble?
Anon
+1. Kitten heels are out and have been for awhile.
NYNY
Disagree. They’re an emerging trend, and thus mostly available from high-end brands.
OP – look at the Rory boot from Alohas. They’re a touch over your price point at $350, but check the other boxes.
OP
We must follow different influencers – kitten heels are starting to come back in a pretty big way from what I’m seeing. I’m 31 so there could be an age divide? I’m also 6’ tall, so they will always be my preferred heel height regardless of trend!
Anon
Here are a few from DSW:
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/franco-sarto-lyla-boot/568373?activeColor=001
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/naturalizer-deesha-boot/567667?activeColor=001
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/journee-collection-tullip-boot/571567?activeColor=200
https://www.dsw.com/en/us/product/anne-klein-ilizia-boot/535702?activeColor=002
Anon
I actually think the specific type of boot you linked looks best in suede, which may be why you aren’t finding them in leather. Maybe look for a slightly different silhouette in leather?
Anonymous
Look for something in waterproof suede from Aquatalia or La Canadienne, on sale on the brand site or someplace like Gilt. I have two pairs of Aquatalia boots I bought for under $300 that way.
anon
I’ve gotten through my work’s busiest season. I am now feeling burned out. Not super unusual, but I’m feeling the pressure to get myself together before Thanksgiving next week and the holidays after that. I just don’t have much creative energy (or energy, period) back in me. Yesterday I went home sick and ended up taking a 3-hour nap, which is unheard of for me. Hoping to take off 1-2 days next week, but I’d love some ideas on how to decompress and gear up for what’s to come. I think I need to get off the instagram because seeing all these influencers with fully decorated homes for Christmas is stressing me out!
Cb
Right there with you… I have 3 more weeks of teaching and then piles and piles of grading. I always think December will be quiet, but I’ve got 3-day trips, and a 2 night to London, plus all the kid-related stuff. Tempted to get myself an advent calendar just to count down to when we can get on a plane and let my parents spoil us all over Christmas.
I went from a flying/overnight commute to a long day-trip commute, and I am just not adjusted at all. Finding it much much harder than I expected.
Anon
Can you take thanksgiving week off? That’s getting me through the 1.5 days I have left to work this week.
Anonymous
Hi! Just so you have a data point, I am not busy at work (commercial real estate lawyer specializing in office properties!!!! Nothing to do here!) and won’t put up a lick of Christmas stuff until maybe the first full weekend in December. I also take it down New Year’s Day (i have a whole “new year, let’s clean/purge). I don’t get putting it up in November… to me, in my opinion, just seems like a lot of clutter.
Also, when I am feeling burned out after a busy stretch at work, I make a list of what i need to get done. Then, I take that list and pick only three things that I have to do actually before anything else on this list. It helps everything seems less overwhelming.
Anonymous
If you had to go home sick, and then slept for 3 hours, which is unheard of for you, your body is giving you very strong signals that you’ve hit your limit. So rather than “gearing up” to do a full-fledged holiday extravaganza, I’d encourage you to scale back on your holiday stuff. You decompress by doing less and sleeping more. Don’t get your body so run down that it’s really hard to come back.
Anon
This.
Take it slow and get the rest you need!
No Face
+1!!!
Have a relaxing holiday season. Sleep more. Sit by fireplaces. Have minimal decorations or none at all. Wear pajamas. Binge a tv show or read mindless books.
Anon
I spent some time once figuring out who one of the influencers I sometimes read is and who her husband is and how they can afford her “lifestyle.” Let me tell you, I do not want their life now that I know more of it. It is a hardcore Christian lifestyle where he works and their family life revolves around him, when he comes home, who can wear what, home-schooling, you name it. OK, some people are into that kind of marriage/family (even in my faith community). However, once I knew his name, I saw his LinkedIn page, which was a patchwork quilt of low to mid-level jobs doing things like selling mortgages and brokering bitcoin (I don’t even know how to describe that, and the SEC would call me a qualified investor) across several states and companies in the past 6-8 years.
Seriously, turn off the influencers and do almost anything else.
Anon
Yes, I think a lot of these types of families are in debt. I can’t figure out the math, even if the matching expensive outfits for 6 kids are hashtag sponsored. Not to mention the stress and insecurity the pressure to constantly be “on” and perfect looking must put on the mom, let alone those effects on any kids who are left with pretty few outside non-family adult influences to broaden horizons or provide a reality check. So they can have their extra few weeks of decor! (Though I also get the impulse because I LOVE decorating for Christmas, and not doing it at all would not relieve my stress and would take away a very real joy in my life.)
Anon
I know there have been several similar questions asked here recently, but…I need helping building my holiday wish list! I’m 31, primarily WFH but do go into the office once or twice every couple weeks, and currently pregnant (due in March). One thing I’m specifically interested in is some affordable but still decent quality jewelry. What’s popular these days?? I’ve heard of Gorjana and Mejuri as brands but would love any other recs (ideally for pieces under $150-$200).
Anon
Congrats! I just had my second and I personally have a GLDN necklace on my Christmas wish list. I plan on having customized with my kids initials. If you’re really sure on your baby’s name that could be a fun option to into.
Anon
Seconding GLDN!! My wedding band is from them (the micro signet) and my husband just got me a second micro signet for my birthday. Their pieces are beautiful and hold up to everyday use.
anon
Huggie hoop earrings are popular now and I liked wearing a small pair as a new mom because I could just leave them in all the time, so I always looked a little more put together. Also too small for the baby to grab.
Anon
+1 my first was a colicky baby (not from 4-7 but 24/7) and my mom used to call me when I was on maternity leave and ask how I was doing. A low bar for me was getting dressed. A medium bar was getting a shower in. A high bar was showering, getting dressed and having earrings on. So then she would call me and hope that I was having an earring day.
When I finally bought huggie earrings, it was an earring day every day! I just slept in them.
Anon
Any recommendations for veggie sides for Thanksgiving that aren’t casseroles?
A family that has recently immigrated to the US is joining us for T-day. We’re having all the traditional American sides, and I thought it’d be nice to have some foods that might be more recognizable to them…or at least ones that aren’t doused in dairy and/or pureed 😂
Anon
I’m curious where they immigrated from? That could help with ideas.
But in general, any vegetable is a good Thanksgiving side. Roasted Brussels, roasted butternut squash, etc.
Anon
+1 we’re American but always have both roasted Brussels and roasted butternut squash.
Anon
-Cubed roasted sweet potatoes or butternut squash with cinnamon
-Roasted or air fried crispy Brussels sprouts
– a green salad with crasins, almonds, goat cheese and vinaigrette
– not at all exciting, but my mom usually just does steamed broccoli.
We also always do crudite as one of our appetizers.
We do a lot of “traditional” sides which I don’t eat but the older generations in my family like: creamed onions, succotash, a relish tray, coleslaw. My family doesn’t traditionally do green bean casserole but we’ve recently added it.
Would you be able to ask them to bring a traditional side dish from their culture? To me, mixing foods and traditions is what holidays like thanksgiving are about!
Anon
Where did they emigrate from? Vegetarian covers a lot of ground!
There are several recipes in Ottolegni’s cookbooks that are festive and I believe most if not all of his recipes are vegetarian.
Rancho Gordo beans, prepared however you like (simple is better, IMO) are always good.
Anon
My family always does green beans sautéed with butter and garlic instead of green bean casserole. I also love a roasted veg mix (parsnips, carrots, squash).
Anon
Cookie and Kate’s recipe for green beans almondine. Can be made the day before and warmed up.
Anonymous
The Barefoot Contessa green beans with shallots are excellent.
NYCer
I would just do a big mix of roasted veggies.
NYNY
I don’t do side casseroles for Thanksgiving, but my favorite vegetable for the meal is roasted brussels sprouts. I’ve also made glazed carrots and parsnips, which are lovely. I wing it, but this recipe is solid: https://www.thepioneerwoman.com/food-cooking/recipes/a33248884/honey-glazed-carrots-and-parsnips-recipe/
Anon
Glazed carrots, sauteed spinach, Brussels sprouts cooked in bacon drippings, roasted potato wedges, steamed green beans, corn on the cob, edamame with garlic & hot chili flakes.
NY CPA
I don’t eat dairy, and I love Thanksgiving veggie sides! Some ideas: brussels sprouts with bacon (sometimes with a drizzle of balsamic or maple syrup), green beans almondine, roasted butternut squash, roasted carrots, mashed potatoes, candied sweet potatoes, a great salad (often with autumnal ingredients like butternut squash, pear, walnuts, etc.).
Anan
I like having a massaged kale.
Controversial, but we always have rainbow jello, which my Midwestern husband insists is a salad.
Anon
Yeah, if you want to introduce them to uniquely American foods, the jello “salad” is a must. My mom’s Midwest family’s had strawberry banana jello with mashed bananas and frozen strawberries, mini marshmallows, and two layers of sour cream!
It’s actually delicious but not what my California native brain thinks of as a salad.
Anon
Boil green beans on the stove or microwave a few steamable bags. Then toss with butter and lemon zest. Don’t use up valuable oven space.
JD
Why not corn on the cob or a corn dish? It’s not traditional but is very American. A pan of roast vegetables is always nice too
Anonymous
We often have a grated carrot salad with a dressing that is oil, lemon juice, mustard, and dill!
SFO or OAK
Going to San Francisco for New Years, staying at the Fairmont SF. Is it better to fly into San Francisco or Oakland. I have never been so not familiar with either airport.
Anon
Either is fine. You can get to both on BART (public transit). SFO is closer and will likely have better, cheaper flight options, but if for some reason you have better options going to OAK that’s fine too, just a slightly longer trip.
Anon
Either one works, SFO will have more flights and is a quick 30ish minute Uber ride from the airport to the hotel. Oakland is over the bay bridge, so that introduces a potential timing variable on the way in and out as bridge traffic can be unpredictable. But it’s also only about a 45-50 minute Uber. You will want to Uber to the Fairmont from either airport, BART will not take you to Nob Hill. Have a great time and don’t miss the Tonga Room in the hotel while you’re here, it’s a wonderful retro spot.
Anon
Bart won’t take you to Nob Hill but it is cheaper and often faster to take it into the city and then Uber/taxi from the Financial District or Union Square to Nob Hill (or walk but it’s uphill and luggage can make it difficult).
Obviously, this varies quite a lot, but it can be considerably faster to take Bart. If you are traveling during the week/during rush hour.
And that said, if you’re coming in at night, take a taxi!
Anon
I would personally just take an Uber from the airport straight to the hotel. Much easier!
Anon
It depends what time of day. If it’s rush hour that can take forever.
Anon
taxis are a ripoff in SF. You should uber, for sure.
Also–we have Waymo. Download the app and def take a ride around town. They do not go to the airport–just SF proper.
I recommend SFO over Oakland. The Bay Bridge makes Oakland impractical–it’s considerably further away.
Anon
SFO because you’ll have more flight options and because you won’t have to cross a bridge.
I live in Berkeley and take most of my flights out of SFO because OAK is so dinky.
Anon
And enjoy the Fairmont. It’s gorgeous!
Anon
I live in Berkeley and strongly prefer Oakland. It’s so much faster, it’s a Southwest hub, parking is easy, and you don’t have to cross the bridge.
Anon
I’m a United person! I can’t stand Southwest. It’s not so much the airline but my fellow passengers haha
Anon
And also, I don’t want to have to connect. That’s the main thing. SFO has non stops hourly to EWR, for instance. If one gets delayed or cancelled I can always switch to the next one (and have done so in the last.) The other place I tend to travel to is Florida – which I would rather not, but it is what it is – and there are several non stops to Miami and Orlando, plus a daily nonstop to FLL.
anon
Done both. SF is a nicer airport, but Oakland occasionally has idiosyncratic cheap flights if you fly Southwest. Pro tip for the Fairmont, just walk to the trader joes a couple blocks away to stock up on snacks and wine. Also, the afternoon tea there is delightful.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a good vacation rental company for a beach community in Florida they would recommend?
Following a work trip to Orlando in March next year, hoping to rent a beachfront condo for a week on a beach within an hour or two of Orlando. Am overwhelmed with a) choice of area and then b) a reputable rental company. Don’t really care where; need a clean, nice condo and a beautiful beach that can walk for miles. Don’t care about nightlife; we just like to relax and have major downtime.
Any hidden gems? I looked around at Anna Maria Island, which fits the bill, but there is almost nothing left, and the prices are crazy. Hoping to find a place with more options that might not be completely sold out for next March.
Anon
March is peak spring break season and prices and availability are going to reflect that, unfortunately.
Cat
weather isn’t AS reliable in March on the East Coast beaches (could be 80 and beautiful, could be 60 and raining) but the “space coast” area near Cape Canaveral is usually less expensive than the Gulf.
For weekly rentals I just use Airbnb.
Anonymous
I would go to the southern end of the space coast, like Melbourne Beach. Much quieter and less spring break-ish. Lots of homes including rentals, no real hotels. Lovely quiet beach for walking miles and miles.
Anon
I’ve had housekeepers for nearly 20 years now, but we’ve just moved somewhere new with VERY limited options and I’m wondering if I was spoiled by my last housekeepers or if these just aren’t any good.
Does your housekeeper straighten up the house as they go or are they purely “I’m here to scrub and mop and leave”? So, say there’s a pair of sneakers haphazardly kicked off on the living room rug by the sofa – would your housekeepers pick them up and place them neatly somewhere out of the way (or in the room where they belonged if they knew)? Would they collect a bedside water glass and bring it to the kitchen? Would they straighten the pile of books on your nightstand or leave it helter skelter? Are throw pillows on the sofa or bed neatly placed (maybe not the way you would do it, but picked up and tried to make look nice)? You get the idea.
Unfortunately, the only housekeepers available in the area specialize in move-in/move-out/new construction, so it seems the idea of working with people’s belongings is foreign to them…but maybe I’m unrealistic.
anon
Our housekeeper definitely tidies and straightens along with cleaning. That said, we also have her twice a week so she has time to tidy/straighten in addition to cleaning. I think it depends on how frequently they come, because if it’s not very often they will prioritize cleaning,.
test run
Yes, our cleaners do a small amount of tidying/straightening like what you’ve outlined and I think that’s pretty reasonable to expect.
anon
Agree. We do 90% of the tidying the night before but cleaners will grab anything we forget, including the random shoe, glass or stray pillows/blankets. I would never expect my cleaners to do a full tidying + cleaning – those are two different things.
Anon
Yes, the night before our biweekly housekeepers come is generally a very stressful night. But she and her team can deep clean some things and have more time to address problem areas if we declutter and put things away before she arrives. I’ve had the same cleaning team for 18 years and I think it’s because I try to be considerate of her and her time.
Anonymous
In my area (100K city), what you describe would be standard for what I’ve experienced currently and growing up – not necessarily moving sneakers to another room but certainly dishes to kitchen sink, couch blankets/pillows arranged etc.
Are you working with an individual or a cleaning service? I always had better luck with individuals.
Anon
Mine don’t tidy because I tidy before they come so they don’t find my house to be a PITA. Everyone I know who has house cleaners does this, so my vote is you need to tidy up first.
Anon
+1 to tidying first. We used to call the night before the cleaners came “Screaming Night”
Anonymous
Same. If they do tidy they often misplace things in truly perplexing spots that I have to sort out:
– I left a pair of flip flops by the front door (I slip them on to run to the mailbox or whatever) and the cleaning people put on a formal dining room chair, which has a light colored cushion, that was pushed into the table so the table cloth covered the seat.
– I briefly tried to have them do dishes but that didn’t last long. Tupperware ended up in like 6 different places.
– my bedroom has three separate hampers lined up next to each other: his, hers, and sheets/towels/misc. When the cleaners come, two hampers are always empty and one has my clothes in it/not-yet-dirty things draped on the side. They routinely put all clothes including the not-yet-dirty things, towels including wet washcloths, and sheets all in my hamper. The other two hampers are empty why are you putting wet dirty washcloths on top of my sweaters?
Anon
omg a friend stayed in my house when we were on vacation (she wasn’t housesitting, we were doing her a favor) and she “reorganized” my kitchen. I’m still finding things!
anon
It really takes some brass balls to rearrange someone’s space. This perplexes me so much!
Anony
I mean… did you explain your complicated system to them? If not it sounds like they’re doing you a favor by moving all the not-clean things to the hamper for washing…
Anon
Yes, our cleaning service does that kind of tidying. Small Midwest city.
Anon
And to be clear we do also tidy first – they wouldn’t clean our house in its normal messy condition. But the tidying we do is mainly focused on getting things off the floor, not looking neat or perfect. The cleaning service will do things like move a glass or straighten a pair of shoes.
Anon
Random suggestion: find the moms group on FB. They can suggest someone who does what you are looking for, or there are often moms who clean houses on the side while their kids are at school.
Anon
Absolutely. She will also organize my cabinets and fridge if they’ve gotten into disarray, etc. She’s been with me for years and knows where stuff goes. I try my best to tidy up before she comes but sometimes life happens and some items are left out.
Runcible Spoon
As other have mentioned, maybe if you “clean for the cleaners” you will have better luck. After all, they are doing the heavy lifting (vacuuming, mopping, dusting, cleaning toilets/sinks/bathtubs/showers, all so you don’t have to. Leaving stray items around invites them to shove them aside or put them in random locations, as they aren’t mind readers. But straightening a pile of books and placing throw pillows on the beds and sofas should be within their responsibilities.
Anonymous
Somewhere in between. Ours have been with us for ~8 years and I have 3 kids. They’ll move shoes to a neat like so they can. Vacuum, but wouldn’t put them away. They will clear cups, sometimes, but sometimes they are “bedside cups” that my kids want – not random clutter. They wouldn’t tidy the massive stack of books on my nightstand; they’d dust around it.
FWIW they are here now. I have books on my nightstand and shoes in the hall and a water cup on my nightstand stand.
Cat
I don’t expect tidying and honestly prefer it that way. I get the most value from our cleaner when she’s deep cleaning – mopping, scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen. I don’t need her guessing whether the water cup lives by the bed or is supposed to come to the kitchen.
To prep for her cleaning days, I do tuck some things normally left out (think face wash, brow serum, coasters, magazines) into a drawer so that she can clean more effectively, but then I know exactly where they are to get back out!
go for it
US National Parks tips please~
Loose plan is either May or early Sept
We are planning a 2 week trip, partner will meet me there and we will have a trailer. I will be flying into/out of Jackson Hole.
We are hikers! What is reasonable to see/do in 2 weeks?
I want to see the Grand Tetons
Bryce Canyon
Arches
Yellowstone
Anon
It just depends on how many days you want to spend at each. You could easily spend two weeks at Yellowstone. But I’d probably do like 3 days per park and fit them all in. Get lodging for Yellowstone ASAP!
Anonymous
We did the Tetons, Yellowstone, and a bit of Glacier in 2 weeks during the pandemic. Half of Glacier was not accessible, I think we would’ve needed more time if we had been able to get to the entrance on reservation land.
Anon
I’ve done Tetons / Yellowstone and the Utah Mighty 5 on two separate 10 day trips. I think it’s doable, but a lot to do both.
Anonymous
Arches/Bryce to Grand Tetons/Yellowstone is going to take a solid day of driving and I’ m not sure I’d try to do all 4 of those in one trip. Haven’t been to Bryce or Arches, but we went to Grand Teton and Yellowstone this summer. Grand Tetons is better for hiking, Yellowstone for seeing stuff. If you’re really big hikers, I actually think Glacier has better hiking/prettier views than either Grand Teton or Yellowstone. You could add that on to a Grand Teton/Yellowstone trip (though I’m not sure it’s actually any closer than Bryce/Arches–Montana is BIG). You’d have to go in September instead of May for Glacier, though–there is a good chance the Going-to-the-Sun Road will still be closed due to snow in May. It didn’t open until mid-July 2 years ago. Of course, if you go too late in September, there may also be snow. It’s a short snow-free season. (we went late August, which was perfect). Plus, early September is still huckleberry season in Wyoming/Montana, so there’s another vote for September. If you decide to go to Glacier, it requires reservations for a bunch of the roads/sections now in high season (depending on when you go in September, it may not). We spent 3 days in Grand Teton, 4 in Yellowstone, and when we went to Glacier, we went for a full week and I could have stayed longer. If you want lodging in the parks, book it like yesterday. For hikes, Cascade Canyon was my favorite in Grand Teton. We did not do a lot of hikes in Yellowstone, but I don’t recommend the Ribbon Lake trail–it was pretty boring. We should have done Mount Washburn instead, but it was the end of the trip and I didn’t have that elevation change left in me.
Anon
May is too early for Grand Teton hiking. Trails will still have snow.
NYCer
I was coming to say this. May is very, very iffy in Wyoming and Montana. You’re better off going in September.
Anon
Mine don’t tidy because I tidy before they come so they don’t find my house to be a PITA. Everyone I know who has house cleaners does this, so my vote is you need to tidy up first.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a favorite bird and/or bat box? DH asked for a bat box for Christmas and I’m not even sure where to start. I was thinking of getting one of those bird boxes with a motion activated camera that keep following me around instagram. He has also expressed interest in trail cams, if anyone has any suggestions. Thanks!
Anon
I’d look for recs from your local Audubon society or something else specific to your region (local university or nature groups?). You want something that will work for the species in your area and the habitat in your yard, not just something that looks cute on instagram.
Anon
Our state Department of Natural Resources has these – not sure how widespread that is but you might check there.
Anon
I here you go! This os an awesome gift request!
https://www.batcon.org/about-bats/bat-gardens-houses/
Anon
Ugh sorry that link just gives tips. But if you follow their guidelines to buy one you should be good!
Davis
I got a great bat house for my dad last year: https://batbnb.com/ great construction and good tips on placement!
anon
Wild Birds Unlimited or whatever your local equivalent is. I was just there Saturday and they had ready-to-go bat houses, kits, and patterns (whatever the correct woodworking word is.) Also, bee houses.
Anon
Has anyone tried the Storm Chaser low boots or the Rugged Wellie slip-ons from LL Bean? I need something for light rain/damp conditions, especially for camping, and for wearing up to the mountains on ski days (just for the parking lot/snowy walks, not anything in the backcountry). I tried the Merrell Jungle Mocs, but found they made my feet WAY too hot for my California climate. Any recs or insight on LL Bean’s offerings?
Anon88
Blundstones all day every day
Anon
I tried them on, but they seemed too high on my calves (I have big calves from genetics + biking). Looking for something low-cut.
nuqotw
Things to do / places to buy nice clothes or jewelry in Santiago? I’m going for work in January. I won’t have a car but will be staying near one of the main metro lines.
Anonymous
Kat, the video ads are still autoplaying with sound. I’m on Chrome and it’s often a BP ad, if it helps. The most frustrating thing is that they don’t start right away. So you risk it suddenly blaring if you’re in an office setting. I know getting view count up is important for you and the ad service, but this is being done at the expense of your time on page. And I guarantee 90% of clicks are people rushing to try to close the ad–that’s not fair to the advertiser who is charged PPC. Ugh. There goes the BP ad again even though I already closed it once.
Kate
Sorry about this! Thank you for letting us know — it really helps to know which advertiser it is, so we appreciate that! We’re always trying to get rid of audio ads…
If you right-click on the Corporette browser tab, click “mute site” and that should take care of the sound issue. (That’s for Chrome, at least.)
Anon
Adblock for your browser.
Aging In-Laws
My in-laws are in the mid-70s (73 and 75) and my FIL just retired this month. My husband and I are a little unclear about how much they have to support themselves in retirement and/or their preferred care plan (in-home care, assisted living, etc, etc) or the funds available to support those different potential care plans. We also live in another country with no plans to move closer to them. The closest sibling is 3 hours away.
This was prompted, in part, two planned surgeries that my MIL and FIL had within a week of each other. They rejected all of our pleas to hire some temporary in-home help to assist them afterwards. My BIL took time away from work to help, but can only stay for so long. We’re hoping they will agree to a least a few days of help after he leaves. We’re glad my BIL is there as they definitely needed his help.
We’re visiting at Christmas and we want to (with my husband’s siblings) talk about these issues. But it feels like you can only tackle so much in one conversation. Would you prioritize (a) the financial questions, or (b) the care questions? Alternatively, is it all mixed together so it’s best to talk about all of it?
Anon
I think you just open the convo and it takes on a life of its own and goes where it goes.
Anon
I think you need to tell them point blank that you’re not able to care for them indefinitely.
Anon
It is all mixed up with each other and with your parents-in-law’s emotions and preferences. We tried literally for decades to have this conversation with my Mom. She refused. She ended up dying alone in her house which, my sibling points out to me whenever I start toward the guilt spiral, was exactly what she always said she wanted.
Anon
If she was alone, how long did it take anyone to discover this? This is what I think my dad hasn’t thought through. I may find you a week too late.
Anon
It is too ugly for me to want to discuss, but suffice to say that you are correct.
Anon
Ugh. I’m so sorry. For future people in this situation, I wish people were more aware of this.
Anon
I’m sorry that happened to you but your sibling is right – that’s what your mom wanted. Hugs.
Anonymous
So my parents and in-laws are in the same age range, and thus my feelings are colored by that, but unless these were extensive surgeries and unless your in-laws are struggling with competency issues, I think all you can do is start the conversation generally, but not push too hard.
Anon
Agreed. Also have mid-70s parents.
Seventh Sister
I would prioritize the care questions, but I’d also keep in mind that they may (as independent adults) make decisions or plans that are bad or unworkable. My in-laws are in declining health, and are refusing to get paid in-home care or shopping assistance, while alienating their only two local adult children. While I feel guilty and think this is going to shorten their lives / make the end of their lives miserable, they are not legally incompetent.
Of Counsel
This is really hard to address without knowing which country they live in. In the US, I would start with “Do you have a durable power of attorney for health care?” and “God forbid you both get hit by a bus, where would we find your documents?” This might lead to a discussion about their end-of-life preferences. One way to start this conversation is by sharing your documents (either the actual documents or their location) and your wishes.
Finances are harder because it is a privacy issue. (Ask yourself how you would respond as an adult if your parents demanded access to your finances.) Also, so much of this is impossible to say in advance. A lot of people prefer to have in-home care, but understand some circumstances might make that impossible. Making decisions for the 95-year-old with a walker who could not drive was very different than decisions for the 86-year-old who had a stroke and could not get out of bed safely.
I am going to say something I have said before and will preface it by saying I KNOW it is really, really hard to accept. Competent adults are allowed to run their own lives. They just are. People in their mid-70s are generally still perfectly able to handle their affairs, make their own decisions, and (critically) live with the consequences. All you can do as an adult child is make your own limits clear (I will not move in with you; I will not quit my job and come take care of you; I will not use all of my vacation time on you; I will not give you money.)
Aging In-Laws
In the U.S.. Thanks all for your comments – it puts less pressure on the conversation if we can at least open it up and start to slowing getting a bit more information. And – it’s a great point that those plans will change with time and circumstances.
To your point, it is very unclear to us what their retirement funds look like (my folks have been very clear about how much they have and how long they expect it to last and where everything is). I like the idea of making our boundaries clear – which is what you have said, we are not in a position to move to you and care for you and we are not in a position to support you financially. But likely in a gentle way that I will have to draft/test some language before we talk to them. My in-laws are very uncomfortable talking about money and did not teach their kids anything about money – which makes me very nervous about the state of their funds.
Anon
Your last point is so dang true. I can talk and talk and talk to my parents but they’re going to do what they want to do.
Anon
>Competent adults are allowed to run their own lives.
Thank you. We seem to have a bunch of posters lately who think their parents are children. I have been through this with my mom (my dad died when I was young) and my husband has with his mom (same) and both of them made decisions that were not what we would have decided for them. They were both competent to do so. They’re both gone now but they died as they lived, making their own choices.
I certainly hope my own children don’t treat me like a child 15-20 years from now!
Seventh Sister
I don’t want to be treated like a child either, but I also hope I am not calling up my adult children in the middle of the day to have a screaming, crying tantrum over Christmas plans like my 80yo MIL has been doing this week to my husband. I want to try and be as pleasant and cheerful as my grandmother, who was very amenable to “the boys” looking after her after her husband died. Sure, I may stay in my house too long (like she did) or eat the wrong things, but I’m going to try and remember that my kids love me and are not just after my money.
Anon
Are you married to my husband’s brother? And same … my mother aged in place very well and is my model going forward. I refuse to become a child to my children.
Seventh Sister
If you’re a gay guy who lives in Southern CA, then yes! Or maybe my MIL has a long-lost twin.
Anon
Yes, I think you should start the conversation with the health care POA question – in part because that’s not age related, as everyone should have one. It’s also, I think, one of the most important conversations to have while things are stable.
My parents are about the same age as yours and live a plane ride away with no local family. I too have fears about what is going to happen over the next 10 years. But it’s not my business – maybe someday it will become my business and I will address it then, and maybe I will wish x y or z had been done differently, but at this point I don’t think I can butt in until I’ve been invited. And hopefully I will take lessons from my experience with my parents to inform how I relate to my kids as I age.
anon
My parents are this age and I think they would be baffled by the suggestion that they require in-home care even after a medical event, and there have been a lot of medical events in their lives the past two years. They also do not share with me any aspect of their financial picture. I have no siblings, and there are no close friends and no other family in the area. I do not have POA due to past disagreements about what constitutes an emergency. They have had to hire someone to serve as the healthcare POA because they have no contacts willing to meet their conditions for the role.
The language you use in your post is interesting to me. “Pleas” and “tackle” and “hoping they will agree” and “prioritize.” There’s a lot of strategizing here as though you are dealing with an adversary who can be overwhelmed by superior tactics. Planning for old age is a two-way street. Your parents, like mine, are free to prefer a setup that is either more private or more intertwined, in the many dimensions that this runs. They may want you to be there to help coordinate from a distance but not want to share their financial picture. They may not view the care and the financial aspects as related at all! But, coming from someone with extremely stubborn parents, you can’t make them change their preferences. All you can do is listen and let them know what your life circumstances let you do and prevent you from committing to.
anon
+1
It is super weird to me how many posters seem to want to micromanage their aging parents’ lives. Like, I have never ever seen it work out that way.
Anon
It’s weird to me too, and I live a mile from my parents and am what many here might consider enmeshed. But they’re adults who can make their own decisions.
Anonymous
I am probably one of the posters you are referring to, and I assure you I have no interest in managing any aspect of my father’s life. However, the landlord, neighbors, nurses, caretakers, social workers, and law enforcement officers who have called me regularly throughout the last three years wish very much that I would. You may be making assumptions about what motivates the posters here.
anon
If that many people are involved, that sounds like a much bigger problem than what I’m referring to, and I hope you can find the peace you need.
Anonymous
Some people do not want a stranger in the house. Don’t insert yourself into their business. Why do you think you know best?
Anon
For anyone who likes the neckline of the featured top. When I needed high necked tops like this to cover laser bruising on my chest, I couldn’t find any high enough in the store, so I cut the tags off several of my v neck tees and wore them backwards. It looked just like this.
Anonymous
Has anyone experience with living in Canton Mass? We saw a townhouse we really love and there is a train to Boston right in the development. Relocating from Bergen county NJ. Seems too good to be true. We are empty nesters mid 50’s.
Thanks!
Masshole
Canton is great, easy access to Boston, south shore, Cape, nature/BlueHills. Highly recommend.