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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bailey Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

I can’t explain why I’m so charmed by fabrics with fruit prints, but I think this one is delightful. I like the mandarin collar and cheery lemon pattern.

This would be a great blouse for working from home in leggings (I’m referring to this type of outfit as the WFH Mullet — business on top, comfy on the bottom) or underneath a blazer for the office. With its slightly blousy style, I would probably wear it tucked into a pencil skirt or a pair of trousers.

The blouse is $268 and available in sizes XS–L. Bailey Blouse

This floral Boden top is a nice alternative with a lower price; it’s $85 and comes in petite and regular sizes. This top at J.Crew Factory, which has a more fall-like floral, is available up to size 3X and is $22.50 on sale.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:

  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
  • Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
  • Boden – Up to 50% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
  • Express – 40% off dresses & tops
  • J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
  • Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
  • Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:

  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
  • Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
  • Boden – Up to 50% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
  • Express – 40% off dresses & tops
  • J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
  • Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
  • Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns

Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Hello. I have just crawled out from the rock I’ve been living under fo tell you that dry shampoo is amazing.

    I’m 36 with thin hair that gets greasy quickly. I Used to wash and blow dry daily. I now wash it every 3 days and my husband told me last night that my hair is the best it’s ever looked.

    • Anonymous

      Before social distancing, I was so tired of being in close proximity to people for whom it’s apparently a badge of honor to go as long as possible without washing their hair. So stinky and greasy. If other people can tell you are using dry shampoo instead of actually washing your hair, then you probably shouldn’t be using it. If no one can tell, then by all means carry on.

      • Anonymous

        OP here. I totally agree. I was extremely worried it would be smelly and have been making my husband inspect (visual and sniff!). It was on the rec of my new stylist that I try it and DH was the one that told me it looks *better.*.

        But yes, don’t be the person with obviously dirty hair.

      • Anon

        +1. I’m so glad I’m not riding the subway right now if only to avoid being six inches away from someone’s day-7 dirty hair.

      • anon

        This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Use dry shampoo for a day, fine. But go half a week with that stuff, and I’m sorry, but WE CAN TELL. And it smells, and it’s gross. Just wash your effing hair.

      • Ellen

        I also agree. In high school, we had a woman from behind the iron curtain who did not wash her hair or for that matter, bathe at all. So when we took PE, no one wanted to be near her b/c once she changed into shorts, she smelled really bad. Mom said it was a cultural thing, but Dad disagreed b/c he spent time there with women b/f he was married, and dad is a stickler for clenleness and he said he would not get intimate with any woman who smelled funky anywhere on her body.

      • anon

        Then you must really hate being around African American women who wear their hair natural. I usually wash my natural hair once a week-it get’s extremely dry and brittle if I shampoo more than that.

        • Anon

          I think its okay to assume she wasn’t talking about hair that doesn’t need to be washed everyday. If your hair remains clean and free of excessive oils for seven days, then of course there is no need to wash everyday. She’s clearly referring to women with oil scalps and/or that sweat a lot into their hair that gets a smell quickly.
          I have 4a hair and my hair still smells like my scented conditioner after a week – she’s not talking to us. Take a chill pill.

        • anon

          She specifically said, “If people can’t tell, carry on.” I assure you, we aren’t talking about you. We’re talking about the blond with lank locks who refuses to shampoo.

      • Ses

        poster above seems to be talking about dry shampoo, but I can tell you that my hair loves bar shampoo and I don’t need to wash it as frequently – looks great on day 2 particularly.
        I tried a lot and found that one particular Lush bar works best for me (very thick, straight, medium-oily hair). The bar is called “Seanik” and is blue. I also tried their yellow/orange one but didn’t like it as it was too mild.

    • Anon

      This describes my hair perfectly and I’ve been thinking about testing out dry shampoos. Which one did you get?

    • Anonyz

      I have experienced some hair fall from using dry shampoo, and web searching confirmed it to be a known issue. It can clog the follicles and kill the root. Be sure to scrub your scalp thoroughly to remove it completely when you wash, and a clarifying shampoo might also be worth trying.

      • Anonymous

        And by the time you need a clarifying shampoo, your hair is probably better off just being washed daily.

    • Anonymous

      You’re describing my hair too. I’ll say, though, I’m not sure dry shampoo is the best for my hair. I always get these little specks? clumps? of material along my scalp after I use dry shampoo. Not sure if it’s the product or a result of not scrubbing my scalp enough (I didn’t think my dandruff was bad but maybe?). I’ve tried a ton of brands and they all seem to do this.

  2. fallen

    what are your favorite new england fall jackets?trying to buy one that is sufficiently warm & cute!

    • Clementine

      I thought we had all just jumped on the ‘yeah, the PNW knows what’s up’ bandwagon and migrated to lightweight Patagonia down jackets, trim puffy vests (mine is Athleta), and sweater fleeces?

      Does this count as ‘stylish’?

      • Airplane.

        Ugh, I will always hate that look. When I was in Seattle it drove me nuts to see puffer vests and hiking sneakers masquerading as office wear and upscale restaurant/bar wear. A real coat is warm, a wool scarf is warm, a pea coat, a nice flannel under a waxed canvas jacket or a leather jacket. Functional warmth can still look stylish, we don’t have to resort to looking like we are going hiking when we are going out for drinks! Sorry, rant over. YMMV.

        • Anon

          Similarly, when I traveling to Denver on business, I was struck by how ALL the men there dressed like clones: Patagonia puffer over a button-down plaid shirt, tucked into sturdy khaki pants, and some kind of moccasin/hiking boot hybrid for shoes. It was like they handed out packages of clothes to them at the Denver airport upon landing. After a few days of observation, they started to look absurd.

          • Anonymous

            If the clothes are high-quality and well maintained I like this look, especially with jeans in place of the khakis.

          • Airplane.

            Agree about Denver! It looks ridiculous to me. Are you actually doing an outdoorsy activity? NO you are at a bar or a dinner. Dress appropriately. Dressing like you are ready to go on a hike at any moment is not a substitute for a personality.

          • Anon

            Airplane, snarking on people for wearing comfortable, practical clothing isn’t a substitute for a personality either. I, for one, am more than happy to see heels and bodycon dresses fall out of favor in fun, active towns. Then again, one of the best women I ever knew wore hiking clothes every single day (and hiked every single day) and had the the most sincere passion for what’s important in life. I’m sure strangers thought she looked frumpy. I didn’t.

          • Anon

            Isn’t this the midtown uniform (Instagram of the same name)? So not just Denver.

            I prefer it to SF tech bro “dressed up” – navy blazer, button down shirt, designer jeans, very expensive brown shoes. I find the whole thing so clone-y and douchey. Probably because I’ve met a lot of the personalities behind the getup.

        • Anonymous

          I have lovely dress shoes and wool coats that I wear for work and dressy occasions in the car-dependent suburbs, but when I’m in a big city I wear a long down coat and boots just like all the other professionals. When you are walking outdoors, standing on train platforms, and riding public transit, a wool coat and real shoes just won’t cut it. The coat and shoes inevitably get wet, dirty, and stinky.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Yes, and down coats are machine washable! I’m in Chicago, so while a wool coat can cut it in winter in Seattle, it’s really no match for the bitter cold in areas that get real winters. I love wool coats and “real” jackets, but this type of apparel, while not my aesthetic of choice, is popular for a reason.

        • Anon

          I don’t disagree, but the Patagonia puffy jackets are about function over form. I’ve never owned a more versatile, packable coat in my life and it’s held up like new for six years despite heavy use in the outdoors.

          • Anon

            Agree. Patagonia jackets are popular because they make a good product. People that devote this much time to being annoyed by other people’s outerwear choices need to develop some hobbies.

        • Anon

          For me, a wool coat is never as warm as a puffer, even a thin one — the tiniest bit of wind and I start shivering. I used to think like you, and layer sweaters under wool coats and free all fall and winter. But when I grew up and stopped being willing to be cold so that I could look “stylish”. If someone runs warmer or lives in a different climate and can make it work, great for them! But I don’t judge myself, or anyone else, for wearing a functional coat.

          • anon

            Yep, I pretty much loathe my wool coat and can’t see myself buying another. I live in an area with near-constant wind, and the chill cuts right through wool. No thanks. My comfort is more important.

          • Anonymous

            IDK what size coat I’d need to get something that would fit over my monster hips and still button. 1 size up just fits barely over a suit jacket or heavy sweater. Probably 3 sizes up?

          • Anonymous

            My go to wool coat is is a Tall length (I’m only 5’6″) J Crew Lady Day coat with Thinsulate. Thinsulate must be like Tyvec for coats. Keeps me very warm, especially my legs hence the Tall length, in the middle of NYC winters

          • Anon

            I’m a west coaster who worked in NYC about half time for four years. I bought an absolutely beautiful wool coat and was excited to wear it on my winter trips.

            I shortly realized three things – 1) it was a pain to travel with, and 2) I was just about the only one wearing a wool coat, and 3) I was still cold.

            All of my colleagues were wearing warm down coats. I finally bought a down coat (not the thin kind either) and loved that I could stuff it in the overhead bin on top of my roller, and I was SO WARM, even on the coldest days. I’ve never looked back.

          • Pep

            LOL, my DBF had never owned a fleece vest until I bought him one for our trip to Alaska last year. Now he loves that thing and has bought ALL THE COLORS.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          As a Seattleite, this made me LOL. I work in a business casual office (seattle business casual…aka casual) and I absolutely wear a puffy vest to work like 3x a week in the winter. Sometimes I wear a quarter zip under it instead of a sweater.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            Oh and my thin Patagonia puffer is pretty much the only coat I wear. One of my favorite pictures of my best friend when was she was a bridesmaid. It was kind of chilly on the wedding day. She’s got on her dress with her Patagonia puffer over the top. So seattle.

      • Anonyz

        I have pets and fleece is a nightmare to keep clean, so I yeeted it from my wardrobe.

        • Anonymous

          Thank you for saying you “yeetered it .” The only other person in my life who says this is my 13 yo son. But I secretly love the phrase!

    • anne-on

      I run cold, and find the Barbour Cavalry vests to be warmer than my Patagonia down ones. You can get them for about $100 at the end of season as long as you know your size.
      I also live in my barbour lined rain jacket this time of year –
      https://www.barbour.com/us/barbour-oak-waterproof-jacket
      Abra likes the LLBean utility jacket which also seems like a good timeless option:
      https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/118011?page=classic-utility-jacket&bc=&feat=utility%20jacket-SR0&csp=a&searchTerm=utility%20jacket&pos=2

      • NY CPA

        I live in my Barbour Bedale jacket from Fall through to early Spring, except when the weather dips down into the 20s or below. Yes they’re really pricey, but I’ve been wearing it for probably about 12 years now, and it’s still going strong. I’ve had to get it repaired a few times, and it requires annual re-waxing due to the amount I wear it, but I think that kind of adds to its “charm”. If you’re someone who wants it to always look pristine, though, I would skip it.

    • Anon

      Waxed canvas, Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go, quilted Burberry is starting to make an appearance in the office, too given how cold it’s been lately.

      • A.

        +1 for the unfortunately-named Girl on the Go. I LOVE mine and it’s warm and waterproof — perfect for fall.

        • CountC

          +2 I love mine also (I have two bc I am stupid and ordered a second one with the insert).

          Re: the comments above about wool, some of us do not buy wool and I also agree about the effectiveness of puffers. I have a short one and a shin-length EB one. LOVE THEM.

          • CountC

            It is for the one that I bought set up that way, but it doesn’t appear that I can add the insert to the one that was built without it.

    • Boston anon

      I love my Brooks Brothers trench coat and my LL Bean Quilted Riding Jacket. The latter in particular gets a ton of compliments from my more put together friends. As it gets colder I move to a belted wool coat, then finally the huge shapeless parka for real winter.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I am a fan of layering with a quilted vest, longer quilted liner from an old coat, or a short lightweight quilted jacket. That way you don’t need to buy a zillion different coats, just layer in other pieces as needed.

    • Anon

      Someone here recommended an Orvis jacket that has a plaid liner, lots of pockets. Not sure if they are called utility coats? I just bought one and LOVE it.

    • Anonymous

      i think wool jackets etc. and “real shoes” are such a dated look. im a younger millenial and everyone i know who is in a traditionally professional sort of field is fine with down jackets, rain jackets, more sleek-looking ski-type jackets and cute but functional boots in an office setting. many people in big cities don’t drive and there’s zero point in being miserable while commuting esp if you think jcrew type clothing looks dated anyway

    • Curious

      Just chiming in from Seattle to laugh that anyone thinks a puffer is a sufficient outer layer (or a wool coat).

      Hahahahahahaha
      *Puts on raincoat, heads out for walk*

      (We wear down puffers because they are breathable layers under the raincoats. And because they pack well in a hiking pack. And they are warm!)

      • Anon

        It depends what you’re doing. I wear mine as an outer layer all the time when I go hiking or backpacking in the Sierras, but it also layers great under a raincoat when needed.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          Yeah, I wear mine as an outer layer most of the winter. It’s warm and while it’s not 100% waterproof it’s water resistant.

          • Curious

            I’m impressed! My off brand ones get soaked. I also used to walk 30 min each way to work in the before times — maybe it’s a time difference? In dry rain it’s fine but we’ve been getting more wet rain.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            I have the nanopuff hoody from Patagonia. Wind proof, water resistant. So warm. Love it.

  3. Ellen

    Very cute top, Elizabeth! I would get this if I didn’t have alot of tops already, but this is a great pick!

    I am so sad today b/c of RBG. I think we should have our representatives in Congress declare a national day of mourning for her b/c she is a role model for women everywhere.

    I do not have anything else today in Honor of RBG. RIP, RBG.

  4. Online Therapy?

    with some relationship-skills falling victim to Coronavirus we are in the market for a couples/marriage counseling and it’s impossible! Even people who are open to new patients — don’t have slots available for couples.

    Has anyone had marriage counseling success with Talk Space ? I see many ‘influencers’ pushing it online but would love real-person recommendation. We are in some tough patterns and I just don’t see a great way forward without a professional

    • Anonymous

      We were able to find a marriage therapist earlier this summer that did some online sessions with us – we used the therapist finder on the Gottman website.

      • Online Therapy

        thank you! that was kind of a sub-question since I know Gottman is a *big deal* in the marriage counseling world. I hope it’s going well for you!

    • Therapy

      We got a therapist this summer. We found them on psychology today website. We emailed every provider that seemed reasonable and took our insurance.

      We had two appointments with different therapists and went with the one we liked best.

      Good luck!

    • Senior Attorney

      If you are in California I know somebody great who does Zoom appointments. Email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail if you are interested in his contact info.

    • Anon

      I used the referral service at a local graduate school. Their students and professors need to get hours, and they had a sliding scale for payment. Fuller Seminary in Pasadena.

  5. Donations

    Has anyone made $ contributions in reaction to RBG’s passing, and to where? We just gave to:

    –Biden (not that he needs it).
    –NDRC (Eric Holder’s redistricting org).
    –SwingLeft/Flippable (75% of total donated today).

    I would love to hear of any other organizations you’re giving to in response to this sad, scary turn of events.

    • Anon

      We’ve made our regular contributions to a local food bank and a semi-local community organization, but also donated money to Gideon, McGrath, Mark Kelly, and Harrison.

      I would love if this site joined some kind of donation pledge – this community seems ideal to appreciate Ginsburg. Anyone interested? It could be something like a monetary commitment to the candidates of your choice until the election or a volunteer commitment. Since this is partly a shopping site, matching your clothes shopping with donations could be another fun twist.

    • LaurenB

      Planned Parenthood got my donation dollars. I’ve already given substantially to Biden (and Buttigieg prior to that).

    • Anonymous

      I need to do that tonight, but plan is Biden, Cunningham (NC Senate race; local for me), and probably a few other potentially flippable (or vulnerable) senate seats

    • ollie

      I donated $100 to the Crooked Media Get Mitch Or Die Trying fund, which is going directly towards Democratic candidates for 13 flippable Senate seats across the country. They raised more than $15 million since Friday night.

      • bellatrix

        Probably not news to anyone here, but – the word on the street is that a) McGrath has plenty of money already; and b) she’s not likely to win, so donations to other races would be more helpful, in part because of Dems win the majority, McConnell is toothless anyway. I did give her $10 just so she’d have one more donor on the books, but since I’m out of state it probably doesn’t help much. I’m in NC so Cunningham is getting a lot from me, and I’ve made some other direct donations, but after this I think the Get Mitch fund is my best bet.

          • bellatrix

            oh yes, same. Up until now I had never given to a candidate for whom I wouldn’t be a constituent — both for my own sanity and because it feels a bit dirty — but it’s bigger than that now.

      • staffer

        I really like that fund, and I think its very smartly distributed across people who are likely to win.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I donated and held one of those FB fundraisers for my state’s abortion fund. I’ve given to PP in the past, but right now I am focusing on mutual aid opportunities and putting funds directly in the hands of folks who need them.
      You can find your state’s abortion fund here: https://abortionfunds.org/

      • Anon

        Supporting women right now is a good idea. I’ve supported various abortion orgs in the past but would be interested in the mutual aid approach, especially for lowest-income women.

      • Anonymous

        I can’t fathom giving money to support abortion. It saddens and scares me.

        • LaurenB

          Well, you’re probably among the minority on this board. A board of educated, high achieving professional women will skew pro-choice.

        • Anon

          You know what saddens and scares me? The thousands of unwanted children that live in poverty

        • pugsnbourbon

          … then don’t? There are plenty of diaper banks and similar you can donate to. You can also vote for candidates that strengthen our social safety nets and work for universal healthcare.

        • Clementine

          If you want to reduce abortion, what about giving money to organizations that support:
          – Comprehensive sex education
          – Free contraception, specifically long acting reversible contraception (LARCs)
          – Universal health insurance, including comprehensive prenatal care
          – Universal pregnancy and parenting leave
          – Subsidized childcare, housing, education, and job training programs.

          • Brunette+Elle+Woods

            +1,000,000 for Clementine! Also, no one is ever pro abortion, but it’s the best case scenario in many situations. After The election in 2016 I was up until 3:30 donating to PP and ACLU.

    • Jeffiner

      I donated to Mark Kelly and MJ Hegar, and I’m considering a few more Sentate candidates. We need the Senate back.

    • S-non

      $250 to Get Mitch, $250 to NARAL. I’ll continue to do $250 a week until the election because I can and hope that anyone else that can joins me.

    • Anon

      I used a CNBC article article about Justice Ginsburg’s greatest opinion’s/dissents and then found an organization that supports each of those. I cannot contribute to political campaigns as my husband is employed by the judiciary so my money is going to charities that do the work instead.

      I included on my list:

      Girl, Inc.
      Local Community Health Centers (federally qualified healthcare centers that are required to see patients regardless of ability to pay)
      Planned Parenthood
      Conservation Law Fund
      Community Mental Health programs
      Southern Poverty Law Center
      The Bail Project

      • Anon

        Full disclosure – this was a FB post I made. I have not yet made the donations but will. Probably not to the law funds / bail project because I haven’t confirmed if those are acceptable with my husband’s job but definitely to my local community health center, an out patient mental health program, planned parenthood and girls inc.

      • Anon

        How do you feel about SPLC? I used to think they were the gold standard in the field, but I’ve heard some concerning information lately about them – internal discrimination problems, labeling people or groups as “hate groups” based on very little or no evidence, etc. I’ve soured on them a bit and am wondering if others have as well.

        • Anonymous

          My thinking has gone along the same path as yours. IDK if they were formerly good or I was formerly in the dark.

        • Anon

          I don’t know about the internal problems. I used to think they were a bit free with their “hate group” labels, but my opinion has actually shifted in the opposite direction as various communities have shown their true colors lately.

        • Anon

          I thought of donating to them to honor the RBG case regarding excessive fines and how that disproportionally impacts poor and minority communities. I just google who had done work on that issue and they came up. I haven’t actually fully vetted them so I don’t know if there is stuff I disagree with. I didn’t include the ACLU because they are not a 501(c)(3) and are instead a lobbying group so I don’t think I’m allowed to donate. I know that every organization that defends constitutional rights will sometimes have clients/causes I disagree with. I’m pretty sure the ACLU defended the KKK at one time re: freedom of speech. If you are going to be all about constitutional rights, you can’t pick and choose which ones to defend. With that mindset, I was ok with SPLC but as I said, I’m not familiar with all of their controversies.

          • Anon

            The ACLU has represented the KKK, as well as organizations with views diametrically opposed because it supports First Amendment rights. It makes me squeamish, but it is a stand on principle.

        • cbackson

          I am a southerner who has done a lot of work on issues relating to human and civil rights in the south and do not support SPLC. There are a lot of issues. It’s long been a cult of personality and my experience is that they don’t actually… do that much. As an alternative on these issues, consider the Southern Center for Human Rights or the Equal Justice Initiative.

    • S-non

      I already donate monthly to PP, two abortion funds, DWB, EJI, IRC and my local food bank. This weekend I added $250 to Get M*tch and $250 to NARAL. I will continue to do an additional $250 weekly until the election because I can, and hope anyone else in a similar position will do the same.

      • Anon

        +1. If you can donate or give something up in your life to make donating possible, please do! This is the time.

        • Anokha

          I’ve donated to the Get Mitch or Die Trying fund, and Bullock, Cunningham, and Ossoff. I don’t live in any of their states.

          • Anonymous

            Ossoff is a real contender here in Georgia. Thank you for donating. I believe that win would have a waterfall effect.

          • cbackson

            I hope he wins because the alternative sucks, but Ossoff is a paradigmatic example of the confidence of an underwhelming white man. When he ran for Congress, I got so many fundraising appeals that were basically “Vote for Ossoff bc he’s a nice guy who went to [the progressive prep school we both attended]” and not about his experience (bc he had none) or his platform. He lost the expensive house campaign in history and the seat was winnable with a better candidate (as demonstrated when Lucy McBath, a Black woman and gun control advocate, won it in the next election).

          • Anonymous @ 11:20

            I agree with you wholeheartedly, CBackson. I did not vote for him in the primary. But a flipped Senate seat is a flipped seat.
            I devote my real time and money to Reverend Warnock’s campaign to win the other GA Senate seat. It is a tougher battle because of the format of the race, but I think he is a much more intriguing candidate.

      • Senior Attorney

        I didn’t know about the Get Mitch fund (love it!) but I am writing and sending postcards to get out the vote and I specifically chose Kentucky because… get Mitch!!

    • Anon

      I gave $100 each to my local house and senate candidates who each have a very good chance of flipping long-held Republican seats, also Sara Gideon, and a candidate for my state legislature.

    • Anon

      I give pretty regularly to votevets.org. They support Democratic veterans running for office – so that’s MJ Hegar, Mark Kelly, Amy McGrath, Cal Cunningham, and others. I’m a veteran myself, and I’d run for office if I didn’t live in such a deep red district (sigh). They’d vote for a toad with a Trump sticker on its back before they’d vote for a church board leading, combat serving, pro-hunting, moderate Democrat.

      • Anonymous

        the sad thing is that wasn’t always the case. A decade ago, I worked for a church board leading, combat serving, pro-hunting, moderate Democrat who had been in congress 3 or 4 terms. He lost in 2010, along with most of the other southern moderate democrats.

  7. Looking for UST!

    I’m trying to find a new tv series to watch and I’m coming up empty – maybe one of you all can help me? I love a will they won’t they relationship build-up. Think Luke and Lorelei, Sam and Diane, New Girl, even Bones. I recently rewatched the first three seasons of the Mindy Project and enjoyed it so much. Have also already watched Hart of Dixie, Virgin River…

    Any other good ideas for a show with that romantic tension in the middle? Mindy and Danny-esque?

    • Anne

      Have you watched Freaks and Geeks? It doesn’t focus on romantic relationships but they are one of the arc and it is IMHO the best show ever made.

    • anne-on

      Have you watched Sweet Magnolias on Netflix yet? If you don’t mind the teen angle I found ‘Never Have I Ever’ very charming.

        • Anon

          the problem with Sweet Magnolias is that there is only one season available right now! I also watched Hart of Dixie, which was a bit silly but cute

          • cbackson

            Fun fact about Sweet Magnolias: the idyllic multiethnic church services with the Black woman pastor that they all attend? They’re filmed at my parents’ church… which actually is a pretty damn idyllic multiethnic Presbyterian church led by a Black woman pastor.

          • Maudie Atkinson

            And the residential portions were filmed in my neighborhood (where the church also is)!

      • Anonymous

        I wanted to really like this. After you get your revenge, how do you keep having a show after that. I just felt like season 1 it was trying Too Hard and after that it didn’t get better.

    • Anonymous

      Korean dramas! Search on this site for thread. I love them and don’t think I would’ve tried them without a recommendation.

        • Anon

          This Is My First Life is super good, really adorable, and has awesome relatable characters, and is somewhat untraditional for Korean dramas.

          • Anon

            Adding a plug for Crash Landing on You. Was referred from this site and I could.not.stop watching. And will probably rewatch again soon.

    • anon a mouse

      All older, but…
      Sports Night is an old but good one if you can handle Aaron Sorkin. Good Wife, first 3 seasons. X-Files?

      • OP

        Oooh I did love younger. These recommendations are really spot on and reminding me of some I might rewatch! I’m glad I asked!

    • Anonie

      Scrubs has this dynamic between JD and Elliott! The show has a very specific type of humor and is very long, but it may be worth a few episodes. I adored it!

    • Anon

      Its a heart warming sickeningly sweet show that I absolutely binge-watched – Hart of Dixie.

        • Anon

          I got stuck part way through Chuck; does it get better again towards the end? Should I keep going?

    • anononon

      Lucifer (streaming on netflix) also has this dynamic. If you liked Bones and other crime/science procedurals, and aren’t offended or turned off by the divinity-related plotlines, you might like it! I find it to be pleasant, soothing nonsense with very attractive people, and love that it requires almost no brainpower on my part to follow the general relationship arcs. An excellent background noise or filler show!

      • OP

        This description exactly matches some of what I’m looking for right now! Probably prefer a comedy but I could do crime – I used to love Castle…

      • Little Red

        +2000 to Lucifer! Love that show. Great humor with just enough drama to keep it balanced.

    • Ms B

      Rolling old school, how about Remington Steele or Moonlighting? Come for the mystery, stay for the romance!!

      • Little Red

        +1 to Remington Steele. I rewatched it a few years ago and thought it held up well.

    • Airplane.

      Pushing Daisies – Chuck and Ned are my favorite will-they-or-won’t-they. I am still hopelessly wishing for a revival/reboot.

  8. SSJD

    Lemons are adorable! Just last night I discovered on eBay that there is a cute JCrew yellow cardigan with lemons all over it. If anyone has one to sell in size S, let me know :)

    I bought a really cute lemon running hat this summer from a local DC store called Core72. (The hat is made by a local DC woman’s company: Revelrea.) It makes me smile every time I see it.

    • ollie

      I LOVE lemon print. I have a lemon blouse that I used to wear to work, and this year got the cutest lemon-print high waisted bikini from Modcloth

    • Anon

      I have kitchen linens, potholders, and an apron in lemon print. I also have a few accent dishes with lemons on them. I have a lemon tree. I might need to think about incorporating all of this lemon love into my wardrobe.

      PS apropos of nothing, the best vinaigrette is a minced shallot macerated in fresh meyer lemon juice and salt, then whisked into the best olive oil. I use this on everything.

  9. SSJD

    Do you have a second hand clothing store to recommend that does a good job posting things online? I’m not shopping in person, and my local store (Secondi in DC) is doing a lovely job putting things on Instagram and sometimes the store’s website. It’s a source of entertainment for me and sometimes I also buy things. I realized that I might as well shop consignment stores all over the country since I’m not going anywhere in person anyway. If you have a store you recommend, please share. I’m interested in clothing, jewelry, bags.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Not a local store and probably too obvious, but I just use Poshmark for this purpose. I love that I can easily filter by size and brand. I’ve bought a number of things over the past few years, and virtually all transactions have been great. The two that weren’t (one had very delayed shipping and didn’t respond to inquiries, the other sent an item that had undisclosed damage) were rectified by Poshmark.

    • In-House in Houston

      I second Poshmark. It’s so easy to use and you can search by brand and size. They have every brand, even designer like Gucci, Louis V. but also Nine West and WHBM. It’s really easy to sell too. If you’ve never used it, you can use my code (merrpg) for $5 off your first purchase, I get $5 off too. What I really like about it is that you can make an offer on any item. My tip is to “like” the item first and then wait a while because sellers will send you a “private discount” with cheaper shipping. If you make an offer and it’s accepted, you pay the shipping which just went up to $7. Give it a try!

    • eertmeert

      I’m a loyal ebay customer. Check out the SeattleGoodwill seller on ebay. There are really nice designer bags regularly listed. I’ve also found art from them.
      Also, if you find something you like on another site but not in your size, you can do a search and find options. Also, if you are looking to replace favorite items it is easy to search for those. There are often a bunch of options. Lots of filtering options as well, including item location and free shipping.

  10. Anonymous

    I’m trying to start planning to buy a house while interest rates are low. I’m absolutely terrified to have that much debt (I’ve never had more than 6 figures). Any resources to help me get over it?

    • Anon

      You mean never had more than 5 figures, right? Rates have been low for ~15 years (obviously they’re particularly low right now). I would not rush to buy if you don’t have the resources, because rates aren’t going up to the 5% range anytime soon. Are you terrified because of the commitment or because you truly can’t afford it? Need more info on your financial situation before giving advice.

    • Anon

      Low rates are not a reason to buy a house. Furthermore, rates are very likely to stay low for the foreseeable future. They might bop around +/- half a point, but a 2.75% vs 3.25%, or even 3.5% rate is still insanely low/good by historical standards. You’ve got time. Make sure all the other good reasons to buy are in check first.

    • CountC

      To echo the other posters, do you actually WANT to buy a house? If you don’t, then don’t. I don’t want to try to convince someone who doesn’t want to buy a house to buy one if the only reason they are leaning that way is because they think the issue is missing out on lower rates (FWIW, I am on house no. 2 and while I love my house, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows all the time!!).

    • Walnut

      Start with numbers. I’ve used this scenario building calculator for 15+ years and it always helps model out all of my options to see what makes the most financial sense. ($400k on a 15 year mortgage @2.5% versus $525k on a 30 year mortgage @3.25%, etc.) I add extra rows to bottom to approximate insurance and tax costs as well to get a more complete picture. If you haven’t built out a budget with your fixed expenses separate from your variable expenses, now is a good time to do that as well.

      https://www.vertex42.com/Calculators/mortgage-payment-calculator.html

  11. Anon

    Longtime lurker, advice and ideas needed please. Apologies for the novel or if something similar has been covered recently.

    Been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years (both 30s). He’s been renting his current apartment for ~10 years (HCOL area), and the first year I stayed there I had no problems. It was not as clean as I’d like and his building is terrible about repairs but I didn’t think anything of it. We didn’t see each other for a few months due to pandemic concerns (he’s an essential medical worker), but the last two times I stayed there I’ve had absolutely horrible allergies that linger for 2+ days- runny and completely stuffed nose, sore throat, red eyes, wheezing. Benadryl does nothing. I have asthma and just got a prescription nose spray, which helps but I’m worried about overusing it. He bought a new mattress cover and we’re looking for a HEPA air filter (everything is sold out), any other suggestions or great (in-stock) air filters? He’s mentioned moving to a bigger place but within the same complex, and based on these symptoms and talking to my allergy doctor I’m thinking mold? I’m really crushed. My place is too far from his work, and again essential worker so moving in together is not a solution at the moment (I only see him after he’s been tested, which is luckily now available to him every few weeks). We talk every day but used to mostly spend time at his place. Is the solution he can only visit my place? I don’t have tv/cable, and he’s too tall for my bed. We’ve looked into cleaning services but everything is still closed due to COVID. How do I talk to him about this without sounding like I’m criticizing him? It’s not even safe for him to move to a new place right now, but I have no idea why he wants to stay in his building specifically (I’ve asked). Even if we were all able to get vaccinated tomorrow I’m not sure what the solution is.

    • Anonymous

      I think there are a ton of issues here none of which are really your allergies. When are you planning to be able to see him regularly again? Most doctors and nurses live with their families. 18 more months of this? If so, why on earth are you fussing about him moving because once in a blue moon you see him and get allergies? Where do you live that cleaning services are closed due to Covid? How are you going to over use a prescription your doctor told you to take seeing him two nights every 4 weeks? Why is that a worry? What is making it seem easier to you that he should move his whole life instead of you getting a TV and a bigger bed?

      I think there’s a lot you aren’t sharing which is 100% fine! But the issues in this relationship aren’t sporadic allergies.

    • Lily

      If you’re willing to pay for a HEPA air filter, why not just buy a bed that he fits in and a TV? That way he can stay at your place on the (apparently rare) occasion you see each other. Once the pandemic is over, you can reevaluate.

      • Anon

        This sounds like really good advice! Both of these seem like they could be good purchases regardless of the situation with your boyfriend rather than try to solve the problem with his place which sounds trickier.

    • Anon

      Have you tried taking allergy meds before you visit him? Are you sure the problem is his place? My son has terrible allergies and before we visit my in-laws he takes Claritin because he is allergic to pets. He also takes a shower and changes clothes as soon as he gets home. If the problem is mold, I am not sure that air filters would help much. Is the problem with him moving that he doesn’t have time to look for a new place? Maybe you could help him out by looking at options for him. Or you could move closer to him – it sounds like this will be a long term problem if he won’t move. Good luck!

    • Cat

      I agree with others that seems like the “allergy” question is the tip of the iceberg here. It’s unpacking a lot of uncertainties about the future of your relationship – neither of you seems eager to make accommodations for the other.

      -Practical point – If mold is suspected, building management probably needs to take a look. All the cleaners in the world won’t find mold if, let’s say, it’s growing behind the access panel to his bathtub. Also consider whether he’s switched detergent, etc – is he using something way harsher due to Covid concerns than he used to?
      -Why is he unable to use cleaners? Your comment is contrary to most people’s experiences IRL in my area.
      -Why do you say it’s unsafe for him to move?
      -Why is he not discussing choice of location with you if he is considering moving?
      -Why are you unable or unwilling to get cable (or a cord-cutting replacement) or a bigger bed? Perhaps sharing the cost with him if that is a concern?

    • Anonymous

      Do his neighbors have cats/pets? My mom developed a cat allergy and it took forever to diagnose since she doesn’t have a cat! She was being tested for a mold allergy (though no mold was found in her condo) and they did the full panel. Turns out she is now wildly allergic to cats, so much so that her upstairs neighbor’s cats were the cause. (They share a garage and a front entry).

      For a year she thought it was a chronic sinus infection.

      • Anonymous

        This. I had what they thought was awful asthma for years. Turns out it’s just an awful pet allergy. It’s hard to get people to understand that it’s not about how much they vacuum; I’m always going to have a very difficult time breathing in a house where a dog or cat lives.

    • Anonie

      Take this with a grain of salt, as you certainly know your relationship better than an internet stranger.

      However, picking a living situation that accommodates the needs of your significant other is a pretty big ask and indicate of a pretty serious relationship. Assuming, of course, that the couple isn’t ready or willing to live together. (My fiancé and I are not living together before marriage for religious reasons, so I understand first-hand that couples have different calculations for making that step.)

      That said, it is pretty unusual for essential workers to quarantine themselves for weeks/months at a time from their life partners. I say this as someone who is not a caregiver but works in healthcare and knows MANY essential hospital workers. Most healthcare workers spend time with their immediate families between shifts. This has changed some since the earliest days of the pandemic, when Covid was even less understood and you did hear more news stories of caregivers living outside of their family homes in order to avoid possibly exposing someone in their household. I don’t know all of the reasons for this shift, but I do know it’s there.

      So, if you and your boyfriend only see each other occasionally, it makes me wonder…does he see you as his family after 1.5 years together and, if not, are you both equally serious about the relationship and wanting the same things?

      If you are equally serious and want the same things for the relationship, then yes it makes sense for him to consider your needs before signing a new lease and (as commenters below have mentioned) it also makes sense for you to reconfigure your living space to make it more suitable for his comfort and needs.

      Gently, something about how this situation reads makes me wonder if the relationship is at that level of seriousness/commitment. With the limited information I have, this sounds like two people who are dating when it is convenient but who are not yet life partners who make joint decisions.

      I may be totally off…just something to consider!

    • mold allergy

      So I actually had this problem in my LDR with my mold allergy. What worked: he cleaned top to bottom before I arrived. Mattress cover, air purifier, bleach clean the bathroom and kitchen (bleach kills mold), open all window covers early before arrival (sun kills mold), and sprayed all the air with a spray bottle of tea tree oil mixed with water (tea tree oil kills mold) and then left bowls around of tea tree oil in water to evaporate while I was there. FWIW the fact that he was willing to do all this helped me know he was a keeper.

      • Anon

        +1. My fiance slept at my place for a full year even though it was inconvenient for him because his roommate had a cat that I was allergic to. If he is not willing to make compromises for the sake of your health, he is not a true partner.

    • Anon

      FWIW my allergist told me that the only nasal spray you can overuse is a steroid one, not an antihistamine.

    • Anon

      Also, why on earth isn’t it safe for him to move to a new apartment? He can wear a mask and stay 6 feet apart from movers.

    • Anon

      Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments. The responses have very much helped me realize a number of things, including that my anxiety is driving a lot of this. I also recognize that those in my circle are taking precautions that may be overkill to others but that is what we have discussed and are comfortable with. Thank you all again for taking the time to respond.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry but he sounds like he is just not that into you to be honest. Also only seeing you every few weeks sounds fishy to me. You are in your mid-thirties. If you won’t make basic compromises for each other where do you expect this relationship to go?

    • Anonymous

      What do you want from this relationship? You’re both in your 30s and have been dating for 1.5 years. At that point, most people are at least talking about moving in together in the short term. I would find it very concerning if my guy was talking about moving and I was not a factor in his decision.

      • Anon

        I agree. This isn’t the advice that you were asking for, but as someone who spent time in my 30s on a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, you might want to think about whether you both have the same relationship goals. If he knows you are having health issues and isn’t being more proactive about it (whether that is spending more time at your place or trying to make his place work), I would think about how he is prioritizing and valuing you. Do you think you might be more invested than him? I may be projecting my own past onto the situation but just wouldn’t want you to make the same mistakes! It was so easy for me to just keep dating my ex and hoping things would change and they didn’t.

    • Anon

      Maybe mold but maybe just cleanliness. Buy a new bed for your place, or a duster and a roomba for his. Dust hits me 100% harder than mold (allergic to both) because dust is EVERYWHERE.

      While you’re at it, wash that comforter and the pillows too. Not just the bed linens/duvet cover. Everything. I wash my down comforter pretty frequently. Those things are dust traps.

      Another thing you could do is bring your own comforter that you know doesn’t bother you.

  12. Anon

    i’ve been writing letters with vote forward, but does anyone know of a letter writing campaign specifically for biden? i tried to goole but was unsuccessful.

  13. Slow dog walking clothes in COLD weather

    AIIII — it has gotten freezing! I got Coronapup when it was much warmer and he is a slow walker. I’m WFH so I haven’t tried to change him to an all-business dog with it comes to walking (that will probably come when I have to go back to the office or the weather is to darn rotten to linger (unless dogs are truly indifferent)).

    I need: some sort of nice sweat or fleece pants. Can’t be joggers. Pear friendly. I have some Athleta fleece boot-cut pants from a prior year, but I need a winch to get them on and that’s not good when you need to hurry to get pup out before he has an accident.

    Also, I think I need a shorter very warm jacket? I have heavy coats and a waterproof 3-in-1 from LE, but I think we’re not into needing them quite yet. I like to think that a shorter jacket might be something I’d use if I take myself on a speedy morning walk for exercising (but I need to figure out a time for that that is after doggie’s walk and before my needing to get ready for this; WFH just makes everything blur together until it’s OOPS time to work now).

    ALSO: any good places to get Elmer Fudd-type hats from? I need something lined in something like fleece with ear flaps (esp. b/c I often find myself not bothering to dry my hair and needing to go out to walk the dog and my head/ears hate to be that cold).

  14. Anon

    does anyone else thing it is strange that the cause of death for Robert Trump still has not been revealed? I know it is a private matter, but seems highly unusual that nothing was ever announced.

    • Anonymous

      Do most people get an official cause of death? I was thinking that only crime victims / people found dead / people dying within 24-48 hours of hospital admission get autopsies?

      Just wondering — my grandfather died at the beginning of COVID, but I am 100% sure he didn’t due of it (more like he was >90 and my grandmother had just died and we are sure he died of a broken heart and being lonely and IDK if that sort of thing shows up in paperwork).

      • Anon

        They used to do autopsies more regularly, but you’re right it’s rarer now.

        It’s a very bad trend, since we know that when they have selected groups of patients for blanket autopsies, they’ve found a very high rate of misdiagnosis (of cause of death and also of chronic conditions, sometimes conditions that could have been treated more successfully if identified).

      • Anonymous

        A death certificate has an official cause of death, even if no autopsy was done.

    • Anon

      No. According to the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner’s website,

      “Bodies of deceased persons are brought to this office because the law requires that the Chief Medical Examiner investigate deaths of persons dying from criminal violence, by accident, by suicide, suddenly when in apparent health, when unattended by a physician, in a correctional facility, or in any suspicious or unusual manner. The medical examiner is responsible for determining the cause and manner of death.

      A body also may be brought to the Office of Chief Medical Examiner if the identity of the deceased or of the next of kin is unknown. The body is retained by this office for a reasonable period of time before interment at City Cemetery or until the next of kin can be located by the Police Department and identification established and funeral arrangements made.”

      Robert Trump had some serious problems that his physicians understood and died in a hospital. There’s no requirement to perform an autopsy; it’s based on the discretion of the medical examiner.

    • LaurenB

      No, because he’s a private individual and it’s none of our business, really. There are enough things to pick on about Trump – how his brother died is irrelevant to anything.

    • Anonie

      I am not usually a fan of conspiracy theories, but I also am suspicious in this instance. I have zero actual evidence for this and am in no way “in the know,” but I wonder if it was Covid.

      • LaurenB

        Even if it was Covid, it’s not like DJT is going to have a change of heart and start taking it seriously.

        • Anonymous

          Obviously, it’s not just about what Trump might personally think. Public perception is kind of a big deal right now. “You’re welcome,” as you like to say.

          • LaurenB

            Supposing it were indeed Covid, not sure why the death of person 200,000 would do something the death of the other 199,999 didn’t do. I seriously don’t understand why a revelation that the president’s brother died of it would make one bit of difference. The deniers will still deny, and normal people will still take it seriously.

          • Anonymous

            If you don’t understand something, you should ask someone to explain it to you. But since you haven’t, I will leave you in your ignorance.

      • Anonymous

        Haha, I was wondering if people were hinting at … murder or something more scandalous. Yes, COVID could be a possibility.

    • Anon

      I’m curious, but don’t necessarily think it should have or would be revealed. Honestly a lot of people didn’t even know Trump had a brother until he died, so he clearly stayed far out of the public eye. Why should his death be highly scrutinized when he clearly tried extra hard to publicly distance himself from his brother?

      • Anon

        +1 his brother never really inserted himself into the public sphere so I don’t think this is any of our business absent suspicion of foul play (which I have not heard anyone suggest)

      • Anonymous

        I do not care whatsoever about his cause of death or whether it is publicly announced, but the brother didn’t “try extra hard to publicly distance himself from his brother.” They were quite close and the brother filed the lawsuit seeking to enforce the confidentiality agreement against the niece that wrote the tell-all book, presumably at Donald’s behest. He was present at many events for DJT, including election night, the inauguration, etc.

  15. House cleaners when everyone is at home?

    We *need* our house cleaners to come back, which I thought would be do-able with school starting. But kids are on zoom school calls all day (until 4:30) and spouse is WFH and is on them constantly also. We have a shedding dog and brush her frequently (mostly outside) and I vacuum b/c of that and allergies. But OMG I just need a break after 6 months of this. Just vacuum at 7am the day of (only time no one is on calls) the day they come and clean surfaces / mop (maybe shifting people about the house (other than spouce, he can stay in his office)).

    So grateful I work with people who are content to communicate mainly by e-mail (which leaves me lonely for non-family interactions, but I try to spot masked friends on grocery runs).

    What do y’all do? Cleaners are eager to work; we could all wear masks while they are here. [Kids zoom calls are often listening vs needing to speak.] Cleaners take maybe 2-3 hours (they used to to their thing while the house was empty — ha!).

    • Anon

      Can’t they come on a weekend if they are eager to work? Obviously pay them extra for their inconvenience. How often do you use them? Switching rooms for work/school calls a few hours once every couple of weeks shoudn’t be impossible.

    • Anon

      I would put the kids in one room, you and the dog in another, stay there while the cleaners are there, and those rooms just don’t get cleaned. I wouldn’t have the cleaner in the same room as you because the vacuum and dusting and stuff because of the lack of distancing, plus it’s just not practical when you’re on zoom.

      • Anonymous

        OMG people would revolt at my house. We are still largely stuck at home and weekends are where everyone likes to sleep in, relax and chill. Pajamas mid-morning. Etc. Would annoy everyone to have to do the run-around-pick-up the house Friday night (when it is wine & pizza night), wake up early, or whatever. At least during the weekday, they all pretty much s*ck so they don’t s*ck worse getting ready for cleaners.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Not sure if you’re the OP of this post, but if you really need a break from cleaning (and it sounds like you do!), then the other people in your household are either going to have to do far more to relieve you, or buck up and deal with the annoyance of having a cleaning crew on the weekends. It doesn’t seem like there’s another solution if you truly can’t have them during the work day. There’s no magic answer you haven’t already thought of.

        • anonnnn

          So do the pick-up Thursday night and don’t make a huge mess Friday. Who cares if you are in your pajamas when the house cleaners come? Don’t schedule them to come first thing in the morning.

        • Walnut

          It’s either everyone preps for the cleaners or everyone cleans. Pick your poison?

    • pugsnbourbon

      Forgive me if you’ve already tried this, but what about a roomba/similar?

      • Anonymous

        I can vacuum. Roomba can vacuum. What I love that the cleaners do is clean all non-floor surfaces, blinds, moulding. I could do all of that, too, but loathe it when I am already pressed for time.

    • anon

      This won’t work for everyone, and it may be particularly hard for you, but in case you want a point of reference, I am single in a 2/2 apartment with one dog. My cleaners started coming again in June? A good while ago. I make sure to vacate while they’re here because it’s just me and the dog. We go to a friend’s apartment if I need to work (she’s in my very small “bubble”), outside if the weather is nice, and one time I actually sat on the floor in the hallway. I think if you get over the anxiety about cleaners coming in general and then exand your thinking a bit so that it doesn’t look exactly like it did pre-COVID, there is an answer here. Think headphones, confining to one room (you can even move once while they’re there so they can get that room, too), outside, you and spuose scheduling around it (e.g., no zoom calls from 9-12 every other Tuesday), etc. You’ve got this and it’s normal to have your cleaners back!

      Separately, I love my Roomba and stick vac for regular dog-hair pick ups. I run the stick vac daily in the kitchen/dining/entry. Roomba runs in the carpeted bedrooms every couple of days or so, because it’s LOUD.

      • Anon

        What stick vac do you use?

        I’m generally not comfortable with people in my home when I’m not there, it’s a “me” issue. (single – no kids) Even pre-covid, I would have the cleaners come while I was there working from home. I would see where they want to start and just move around with my laptop as necessary. I recognize that this may not be super easy with kiddos and hubs. I’ve just now asked my cleaners to start coming back. I am TERRIBLE at real cleaning.

        • anon

          A refurbished Dyson. I want to say it’s a V10? It took a bit of time to really fall in love with it, TBH. But that sucker works and is easy and quick to use.

    • Flats Only

      Can the cleaners come on Saturday or Sunday? It might even work better for them, since their kids have remote school all day too.

    • anon for this

      We are having ours back next week after a 6 month hiatus and I am counting the minutes. They are coming at 4 pm and I am taking an hour of leave from work and taking the kids to the park for 90 minutes. Cleaners will be directed to do the upstairs while we are gone. Then when we get back, everyone can go up to their rooms while the cleaners finish. DH will stay working in the basement — It won’t get cleaned this time.

    • Anonymous

      We had our cleaning person come. Kids are in dining room and kitchen for school and I work in the basement. She cleaned bedrooms and bathrooms first, then did main living areas primarily during kid lunch At one point we moved one kid to a bedroom for school (the other one had down time). It worked well enough.

    • Anonymous

      There are a bunch of possible solutions here:
      – Cleaners come early in the morning or later in the afternoon so they can clean kid areas without interfering with kid school
      – Kids sit outside while cleaners are home
      – Kids join spouse in office, everyone has headsets
      – Truly just let the cleaners do their thing, it’s nbd as long as everyone on zoom can mute themselves when they’re not talking. If someone can’t be on mute, don’t vacuum that day.

    • Anonymous

      Are they open to shifting their schedule – like could they come between 7-9am? Or 8-10am and clean the office spaces first so they are ready when work/school calls/zoom start.

    • Anonymous

      Could they arrive at 4 30 and you take every one out for a long after school walk and pick up take out for dinner? The places near us have heat lamps for outdoor dining.

    • Anon

      Get a roomba and run it daily. Get a long handled duster (I like the Oxo ones) and run that over everything while you’re on the phone. Do a de litter every night before bed so you can keep up with it – and I don’t mean you, I mean everyone pitches in. It’s 15 minutes after dinner. Everyone can stop whining about it! (Can you tell we’ve had this conversation at my house?)

      I have a 2900 sq ft house with two teenagers and two adults. We let the cleaning service go before covid because while I liked the clean house every other week, the cleaners kept breaking things and trying to hide them (major stuff like a knob on the stove, a deep and large paint scrape, and a baseboard split in half).

      I also thought it was in my kids’ best interest to learn how to really clean, so they trade off cleaning the two bathrooms every weekend, including washing the rugs and towels. They also deep clean the kitchen when I ask them to (not without complaining or attempted negotiation.)

      You can do this! I really love having the $500 per month back in my bank account, and not being unpleasantly surprised by moving a side table because why did they put that there?, only to find a broken baseboard or paint scrape behind it.

    • SDCityGirl

      I presume everyone is on WiFi? Just open windows, wear a quality mask, and go mobile (another room) when they need to do a room. I do this every time my cleaner comes. Your family needs to understand that if they want someone to clean for them and not mess up their weekend schedule, they need to cooperate. And it’s NOT the job of a cleaner to completely change their schedule/life so your family doesn’t have to inconvenience their FRI night or SAT morning… we need to be accommodating to everyone’s lives, not just our own.

    • DLC

      Our cleaner comes at 8am. I take the kids out for a walk around 7:50a. Cleaner does basement first, so that when we get back from our walk at 8:45, kiddo sets up in basement for Zoom class. After the cleaners leave around 11:00a, kiddo moves back to her desk in living room.
      It’s definitely not ideal to have three kids in the basement while one of them is doing Zoom classes, but I tell myself it must be so much worse for people who live in apartments and have to exist in a similar amount of space all the time.

    • The Beagle Has Landed

      Levis pull-on jeans. Any pull-on pants, really. I am back at the office but have given up on zippers for good. Office pants are Krazy Larry or Rekucci pull-ons.

    • anon

      Athleta joggers. I have two pairs of the Sutton style and have lived in them during WFH.

    • AnonATL

      Boyfriend jeans that have some stretch and are higher waisted are comfortable enough especially when it’s cold. I got a good pair for gap recently I’ve been wearing.
      I’m also a big fan of a looser cut chino. I think j crew has one called the girlfriend chino or something like that. Old navy used to make one, but most of their chinos are slimmer for now. I wfh long before covid and these were basically my daily uniform with a T-shirt or sweater.
      To me, if pants don’t have a button or zipper, I might as well be wearing leggings but YMMV

  17. Hair

    I am 51 and I am perimenopausal… I think. My PCP retired this year and with the current situation I have other issues more pressing so have not checked in with anyone about my (thankfully infrequent) hot flashes, fatigue, dryness, mood swings etc…

    But now my hair is falling out. I have ultrafine, ultra straight short hair, and I used to have a decent amount of it. But it is dropping so fast it is startling.

    Anyone have this problem? Any insight or advice? Even a favorite shampoo or frequency of shampoo to recommend? I stopped dying my hair 15 years ago, so have used Jhirmak purple shampoo (hairdresser favorite!) and alternate days co-wash since.

    Many thanks

    • Anon

      I think the answer is to check in with someone about the hormonal symptoms (even if it’s a telemedicine appointment)? I like biotin and tea tree oil and things like that, but I don’t think there’s any shampoo that’s going to overcome hormonal changes.

        • Anon

          I just meant tea tree oil shampoos! If you look up shampoos for hair loss, you’ll see a lot of biotin shampoos (for hair growth) and sometimes tea tree oil shampoos (for the scalp). I am not sure they really do anything compared to “Rogaine” or “thyroid meds” or “HRT,” but I have definitely used them before in the hopes that they would!

          • Hair

            Thanks for clarifying. I thought you meant taking biotin supplements and ?rubbing oil on my scalp (which sounded less appealing).

    • Anon

      That’s one of the symptoms. I started getting peach fuzz on my cheeks and chin, but my body hair started to thin as well as head hair. Isn’t it fun!

    • FL Girl

      Go see a doctor! You need lab work and maybe medication. You don’t need to suffer. Ask your friends for recommendations for a new doctor. You may be able to meet via telemedicine.

    • Essential in Texas

      I had surgical menopause about 4 years ago. GET HORMONES. Trust me. I’ve had to experiment with the best “cocktail” but we finally found the ones that helped me. Yes to thinning hair. Vitamins, vitamins, hormones, cool nights pajamas from SOMA, sheets from Brooklinen, Pure D’or shampoo for thinning hair, cool bedroom and know that everyone feels this way….despite what they may tell you.

  18. NY CPA

    I’m having an issue with the skin peeling at the base of my ring finger. I think it’s due to all the increased handwashing recently. I’ve been wearing the same ring for 10+ years it’s white gold, so I dont think its due to issues with the metal. I’ve been moisturizing with O’Keefe’s Working Hands, but am planning to do so more regularly. Anyone else having any issues with this that found any solutions or best creams to prevent this?

    • Anonymous

      I have definitely had this problem. In my case, it was caused by water getting trapped by my rings. Lotions didn’t really help much. In fact, I kept trying different lotions and OTC creams to treat the area and just made it worse. Finally I went to my doctor, who told me to take off my rings for a week or two to let my finger heal. Now I’m extremely careful about thoroughly drying my hands.

    • Cat

      White gold is known to need replating after awhile, right? Perhaps you’re just due for that?

      • Anon

        White gold is an alloy of gold. The other metals gold is mixed with to get the color can be allergens. You’re probably thinking of vermeil, which is gold over silver.

    • Diana Barry

      I just stopped wearing my rings – the skin under my rings would stay wet and/or soapy and it really didn’t work with the really frequent handwashing.

    • Clementine

      For me, it was the hand sanitizer and soap being trapped under my ring. When mine got really bad, I had to stop wearing my rings and ended up coating my hands in a heavy hand cream and sleeping with cotton gloves on to seal in the lotion.

      For regular dryness though, I really like L’Occitane hand cream from Sephora or (love the results, hate the smell) the Hemp line from the Body Shop.

    • Anonymous

      This happens to me every winter or two from dry hands and hand washing. It’s typically fungus from water trapped under the ring. (Ew). Take 2 weeks off wearing it and boil your ring/s. Anti fungal cream, too, if you have it. But the cream won’t work if you keep wearing the ring. If your finger isn’t fully healed it will just come back as soon as you put the ring back on.

    • kk

      Yep, when water gets trapped under my rings, this happens to me too. This is also why I can’t really wear silicone rings. You have good advice here- I also scrub the under-mount areas of my rings with a soft toothbrush and dawn dish soap every once in a while, as recommended by my jeweler- it helps to clean out any dead skin, lotion/soap buildup, and other gunk that might get in there, plus it’s an effective way to make the stones look extra sparkly.

    • Anon

      I am having the same issue, and I am wondering if I am getting soap trapped under my rings? I’m suspicious it is our new seasonal Bath and Body Works soap. Am switching back to Mrs. Meyers and leaving my rings off for now, but curious if anything works for OP.

    • Senior Attorney

      When this happened to me I stopped wearing my ring overnight and that seemed to take care of it.

    • Anon

      I will have this if I don’t take my rings off to let my hands thoroughly dry. I tend to move the rings to my thumbs or halfway down my middle finger for a while, like a mid-joint ring, until they drive me crazy, by which time my fingers are generally completely dry.

      I also try to remember to put lotion on my ring less hands pretty frequently, because the lotion forms a moisture barrier.

      But I agree with the other poster, you have to ditch the rings completely for a couple of weeks until your fingers heal, then change your habits as above.

  19. Anonymous

    I had to work in my office a full week last week and wow I hated it. Hate the commuter hate the work clothes hate everything about it. Today I’m happily set up in leggings, on my couch, with a blanket, watching the trees in the wind, listening to my cat purr. Just as productive and so much less stress. I thought I’d be eager to go back but nope not at all.

    • Anon

      Same. I respect other people’s decision to feel differently, but for me, it’s no contest. WFH wins in every metric that matters to me and by a wide margin. Plus, it doesn’t seem to be having a negative impact on my career since I got a special bonus last month (we usually only get them at Christmas) and am “in demand” by our senior associates. I really firmly reject the notion that one or the other (office or WFH) is “best” for all.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. I definitely struggle at times with WFH but my wife is thriving. I think she’ll continue to mostly WFH and I’ll go with more of a hybrid approach – lots of project site visits and meetings in the morning, then back home for lunch/notes/planning work.

        • Anon

          Even as the WFH-lover above, I could get on board with what you described – go in happily when it’s warranted for site visits, but then go back home for focused, individual work. I wish more employers would get on board with that kind of flexibility.

      • anonnnn

        +1,000,000 to your last sentence!! I HATE WFH, but I absolutely fully support it for the people who love it. I DGAF where my employees work, as long as the work gets done. I don’t care when they do it either, as long as they have some availability during core business hours for requisite meetings/calls.

        • Airplane.

          +1. I hope more and more senior leadership and fellow managers see it this way. Flexible means accomodating both WFH lovers and haters.

    • Anonyz

      It’s amazing how quickly I got used to having 2 extra hours a day when I didn’t commute. Going back has made my time seem so much shorter. But I also messed up my back during WFH because I don’t have room for a dedicated ergonomic desk space, so I should probably suck it up.

  20. Junior Atty Advice?

    I’m a junior corporate BigLaw attorney and would like to ask you all for advice as I am just starting out my career as a lawyer. I worked for 8 years before law school as a marketer so I’m not new to the workforce in general, but law firms are a different animal. Is there anything that you know now that you wish you knew as a junior attorney? Would appreciate anything that you can pass along to someone just starting out on this career path.

    Also, I’d love to hear some tips about crafting narratives for my hours report. I find that as a junior I handle a lot of administrative-type tasks on deals, yet one of the partners I work with does not want to see terms like “organizing” “preparing” or “coordinating” in my narratives. Any advice here?

    • Anon

      Till proven otherwise, assume that everyone expects your drafts to be perfect, even if it’s described to you as “just send me your thought”. This creates a lot of wasted time perfecting drafts that are then edited to shreds by partners but don’t fight it.
      Formatting is important. You will presumably have helpful support staff but get comfortable with styles in Word and any firm template system if you aren’t already.
      You will not be told this but you may be expected to ensure that all deadlines are calendared for your team – make sure you know if that’s your responsibility or someone else’s, because it’s very important.
      Be very open to feedback and growth but balance that with remembering that any anxiety or meanness from people around you is not necessarily about you.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Your client is the partner/senior associates that you are doing work for. Their client is the external client. Sending them documents that don’t require corrections to non-legal issues (spelling, typos, formatting) helps them focus on the substantive portions.

    • Cat

      Organize and coordinate sound admin in nature. Instead, draft, review, meet with, etc. So if you are consolidating comments to a document, you would ‘draft changes to Exhibit A’ rather than ‘prepare exhibits.’

      From a client perspective I really don’t like seeing 0.1s and 0.2s on the bill. I know very well it took you 1 minute to write the email in question… lump it in with other stuff.

      From a work perspective, do your best to show that you are learning even when doing tasks that sound boring. You’ve been assigned to check defined terms or cross references? Actually read the definitions or references and you’ll often find a latent inconsistency that will show your attention to detail… bring it up tactfully. If it’s not inconsistent after all, it shows you are trying to pick up the document and will give the senior person a reason to talk to you about the bigger picture and why the items do work together.

      • Anonymous

        So you’d rather I lie, or give you free legal work? Get over yourself with this absurd no .1 or .2 nonsense. You know it’s the industry standard. Stupid entitled nonsense expecting otherwise.

        • Cat

          As I said, lump it in with other stuff. I didn’t say do it for free. I don’t expect you to deduct .1 for using the bathroom if you’re drafting something for an hour, so it’s only fair it goes the other way too – a one sentence email “checking if you need anything on this matter” that I then see get billed as a .1 is just hours padding.

      • OP

        Thanks! This is helpful! Also, if you worked with a junior that was really great, can you tell why or what things s/he did that made her/him great to work with?

  21. Anon

    I know Kat probably queues up her posts weeks in advance but I’m a bit sad to see know acknowledgement of Justice Ginbsurg’s passing in a main post. She’s the reason we are able to have “overachieving chics” and some tribute feels warranted. I get not wanting to make the blog political but even as a very liberal democrat, I was able to acknowledge Justice Scalia’s accomplishments to US precedent and jurisprudence, even if I disagreed with his decisions. Women lawyers are particularly taking this loss hard and I know you have a lot of women lawyer readers here.

    • Anonymous

      It is old news at this point. Online, Friday evening is old by Monday morning. The weekend post was all over it by readers already.

    • Anon

      +1
      And it happened on Friday night — plenty of time to edit a previously scheduled post.

      • A

        I disagree–this is not old news and I am not over it and not done talking about it. Ladies, vote like your lives depend on it because they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. A.

    We’re redoing our small, kitchen in our saltbox colonial home and I need appliance advice. We have a Bosch dishwasher that I love, but will replace our range (no room for wall ovens sadly) and fridge. I’m also interested in a built-in microwave and my contractor mentioned that I could get a combo microwave/warming drawer. But I know nothing: HELP.

    I love to cook and host people (obviously more of the latter happening in non-Coronatimes) — it’s my fave hobby, although I wouldn’t claim to be Ina Garten or anything. Questions:
    – Where do I go besides Wirecutter and this group for recommendations and reviews?
    – Do I suck it up and get a Wolf range or similar (needs to be 36″) or is there something great I can get for less than Wolf money? I really want 5-6 burners and it’s gotta be gas.

    I feel great about the cabinets/structural layout piece of this reno but am really struggling with appliances. Champagne problems, I know — but would love your advice.

    • anon a mouse

      Houzz message boards have tons of information. GE has a higher end line (Profile? Cafe?) that a friend recently used in her renovation and she’s very happy with it.

      • NY CPA

        My parents used GE Monogram for their range and it is the WORST for cleaning. The range has these cast iron grates that dont have the usual shiny coating so every single speck of oil that gets on them permanently stains them. I even tried the cleaner recommeded by GE but it barely helped. It’s going to cost $450 per 2-burner set to replace them. Definitely would not recommend.

    • Diana Barry

      I highly recommend a Bluestar range. Highest BTUs in the business. You will NEED a professional hood with that so there are enough CFMs to vent out.

    • BB

      Do you have a highly-reviewed, high-end-ish appliance store in your area? Ideally a local place, not something like Home Depot. I think most metro areas have one. They tend to give great advice I’ve found and the good ones also aren’t pushy about making you buy the more expensive ones. I actually had a salesman talk us down from the more expensive Miele washer to the Electrolux one because in his experience, they are just as good and customers love them for like 75% of the price.

      • aBr

        Look for a Ferguson showroom in your area. They typically cater to contractors (but sell to the public) and we’ve had better luck going there than high end design stores.

        • Anon

          Fun fact: Ferguson is owned by build.com! I think they sell all the same stuff on the build website if you ever need to order online and sometimes you can get a discount. Ferguson showrooms are awesome, though.

    • Anon

      Microwave drawers have horrible feedback – I don’t know a single person who likes them. I think the general advice is to also avoid Samsung appliances (and possibly LG). I’d go into a showroom like BB recommended and browse to see what you like and see what’s comparable. I have a great Kitchen Aid cooktop with 6 burners that I wouldn’t have found otherwise.

      I bought appliances once based on Wirecutter (and other) reviews and it really soured me on Wirecutter. I’m highly skeptical that they ever actually used any appliance they reviewed.

      • brokentoe

        Love my microwave drawer – it’s a Sharp. Only DH and myself though – may be an issue with more people using it regularly. And I love my Viking range.

    • Anonymous

      I would look at the European brands like Bosch, Miele and Electrolux. They tend to be reliable and make effective use of space. I have a Bosch induction cooktop which I love. GE Profile double wall ovens because the Bosch ones were too $$$ but they do have an oven that has a combo microwave/warming drawer which can be added.

    • Anon

      1) I like my combo microwave/range hood. It’s very convenient to have it above the range.

      2) I have a kitchen aid dishwasher, which is my THIRD and hopefully final dishwasher since moving into my current house in 2003. The prior two cost me several repair visits before I finally asked the repair guy, who was like family at this point, which brand was the most reliable. He said Kitchen Aid, we had it installed… 5 plus? I think? years ago, and I haven’t seen the repair guy since. Knock wood.

  23. Anonymous

    So I know a fair number of people here have said they have anxiety. Any here with health anxiety or with partners with health anxiety? Even if it isn’t health anxiety — my question is — how does it work from a family/daily life perspective and what (if any) is the connection between anxiety and selfishness? For example in your experience does the anxious person just separate themselves from the situation in the household and the rest are able to have fun/have friends over (I don’t mean during the pandemic), bake cookies, laugh, whatever? Or does the person with anxiety “bring down the mood” — i.e. constantly discuss their health issue, the test the dr. has ordered, how they aren’t going to do that test or don’t want or need that test, or read on the internet that it’s x, but feel miserable, want to talk about how they feel miserable? And if you’ve gotten into this second scenario — how do you break out of it?

    • Veronica Mars

      What a loaded question to answer. Clearly, you have someone with anxiety that’s suffering (which you interpret as acting badly) and/or impacting the family life. I’d suggest supporting that person to getting the treatment they need and researching caregiver’s fatigue to deal with your resentment towards that person.

    • Anon

      It’s a tough balance. One of my best friends had a major health crisis in high school and while she has recovered now, it has left her with a ton of health and personal anxiety that can be very, very hard to listen to. I actually posted about it on here before asking for advice. It brought down the mood, it resulted in endless circles, it came up nonstop, and I eventually told her that professional help was needed. She hasn’t really listened, but I’m doing a better job of protecting my own time and not responding to her anxious texts until a time that works for me and with much less of an “investment” in her problems than I used to do. I don’t offer solutions or ideas anymore and that helps keep the conversations shorter.

    • Anonymous

      Look if your partner is controlling how you live your life for any reason, generally jerkishness or health anxiety, you gotta leave. If you’re the one controlling your family, acknowledge it is deeply toxic and not ok and get help.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        My partner’s anxiety is the albatross around as many necks as he can hang it on. I just refused. He can treat it or not or work on it or not, but it just cannot become my problem. I have my own crosses to bear, and I bear them and don’t impose that on others. I feel that it is my job to take care of myself so I don’t become a burden to others if my needs go untreated. But you can’t make others take that approach.

    • Anonymous

      High level, limited experience answer — selfish people are selfish, anxiety or not. Anxiety doesn’t MAKE people selfish per se. Sure they may be feeling anxious/down but that doesn’t mean they want the rest of the household to sit in silent tension. The types who WANT their family to sit in silent tension or not have any fun are typically the types who are selfish even outside of their anxiety or even before there was anxiety.

    • Skipper

      The answer to “how do you break out of it” kind of depends on which person you are. If you’re the anxious person, I think it’s helpful to spend some time getting your anxieties out in a really structured, limited format. I find it helpful to spend ten minutes (exactly! I set a timer) writing out my concerns. When I’m tempted to unload on other people, I check in with myself to see whether this is something I can save for my journal. Having a friend to listen to your problems is a really satisfying and important part of being human, and I’m not suggesting getting rid of that interaction. But “I’m feeling really anxious about coronavirus lately. What fun things are you doing to keep your mind off it?” is a much better way to get that support and intimacy than “do you think this looks like COVID-toe? and what about my cough? Is it wet or dry? Maybe it’s just allergies–or drug resistant TB. I read that…”

      If your partner is the anxious person, I think it’s absolutely worth talking to them about it. Really harp on the support and love you have for them, but do draw some boundaries around how much you’re able to talk about this as well as encourage them to take steps to get better, professional support. Also, don’t be afraid of the sharp conversational pivot. People can’t dominate a conversation if you don’t let ’em. Say something empathetic (That seems really hard: I’m sorry) and move on to “did anyone watch the Emmy’s last night?”

      I’d also encourage you not to think of expressing anxieties as “selfish.” If a person is drowning, say, and starts clambering onto somebody else’s boat, they’re not being selfish. They’re trying to save themselves as best they can. It’s an absolute bummer when someone makes their (maybe imaginary?) problems everyone’s problems and ruins brunch. But this isn’t what healthy people do. Gently push them in the direction of rescue instead of blaming them for being jerk.

    • Anon

      Is it really health anxiety, or is something medically wrong that needs to be addressed? Sometimes people know something isn’t right but don’t know where to turn when the system is failing them. It is very, very common for women’s symptoms in particular to be dismissed or misattributed to psychology. I’ve read it often takes an average of seven years of being jerked around by our medical system before it manages to diagnose even common autoimmune conditions. And once someone has one autoimmune condition, they often develop more, but they often have to go through this process each time.

      So is it possible this person simply doesn’t feel well enough for “fun”? When my second autoimmune condition was undiagnosed, I felt worse every day than I did the day before. I like to think I was aware of other people and doing my best to keep things positive for them, but I absolutely wasn’t laughing and having a good time either. And getting care and managing my healthcare team was like a part time job that consumed my attention at a time when I felt like my mind was getting away from me, so you can bet I brought it up with people I thought may be able to help (such as family whose own medical histories were relevant). I was very ill and needed help, and my anxiety and “atypical panic disorder” were both direct physiological consequences of neglected ongoing damage to my central nervous system. So in my case, what broke me out of it was answers and treatment.

      • Anon

        We posted at almost the same time. I’m sorry you went through this too. I’m glad my family and friends stuck beside me and believed me that something was really wrong.

      • Anon

        I’m Anon at 10:55 above and this is what happened to my friend. She was constantly told “it was all in her head” when she was sick in high school and sadly that message has continued to mess her up today. She doubts herself in every decision and thinks that we’re all one step away from writing her off and not being able to deal with her. It’s so sad because her anxiety loops DO make people want to pull away – how could they not? Then it just reinforces her belief that she’s crazy. She has gotten therapy in the past but isn’t going anymore. I wish she would.

      • Anon

        This is also me. I’m recently diagnosed with RA after 5+ years of various symptoms being ignored. Finally I went to a young female doctor in a totally unrelated specialty and she referred me to a rheumatologist. The blood tests are unmistakable. The problem was that one ever ran them until now because apparently it was all in my head.

        My rheumatologist is still trying to get me to accept that I have RA and that it does need to be treated. So much messaging in the other direction has really messed up my sense of reality about this.

        • Anon

          One benefit for me of the late diagnosis (crohns) is that I learned I just had to work through it. It wasn’t getting out of me out of school, sports or work since I kept being told it was in my head. I contrast that to a friend of mine that was diagnosed young and told there were things she wouldn’t be able to do because of her crohns. She always had accommodations made for her, which are great, but also led her to think certain things were just impossible. While I would have preferred earlier treatment and less embarrassing moments, I also know I can make it through when I have to make it through because I was forced to for so many years.

          • Anon

            I think you’d feel differently if you hadn’t made it through though. To me this was one of the worst effects of going undiagnosed so long. I pushed and pushed myself because “nothing was really wrong with me” and had so many bad experiences especially with fainting and becoming lightheaded and disoriented. I didn’t seek or get accommodations that would have really benefited me. I overcommitted myself and put all my faith in willpower which turns out be 100% useless after passing out unconscious. So it can cut both ways. Maybe she is happier not pushing herself needlessly; it is hard to say.

    • Anon

      I have anxiety and depression, so does my husband, so do my friends. If someone is doing no work on there issues and using me as their therapist, I will gently back away for my own mental health. However, if someone is doing the work but needs to still vent their fears and frustrations, I am there for them and listen, 100%. For spouses, you signed up for sickness and health. Mental health is health. If they won’t do anything to treat it, that is a bigger issue but if they are working on it but need some space, grant that.

      Neither of us would have a big party or lots of friends over (pre-covid) if the other was in a bad space. Performative happiness is exhausting. I would go to my friend’s house to hang instead of bringing her here where my husband would have to fake that he is happy. He would do the same for me or hang out with friends in the finished basement if I just wanted alone time in my room.

      Also, be careful what you attribute to anxiety/mental health issues particularly when it comes to “health anxiety.” I knew something was wrong with me for years. People thought I was crazy. Turns out I did have a serious autoimmune issue that whole time that was wrongly diagnosed. Going through years of testing was stressful and demoralizing. Just because someone doesn’t yet have a diagnosis does not mean that they are not seriously chronically ill. Be there for that person rather than judging them and complaining they are killing your mood.

    • Anonymous

      Anxiety seems to be the self-diagnosis du jour. Of course anxiety is a legitimate medical condition, and people who have it should be treated. But a lot of people like to assert that they have anxiety without having an actual diagnosis or a treatment plan, and then to use “anxiety” as an excuse to act in a selfish manner and to treat others poorly. This is harmful to people who actually do have anxiety and are responsibly participating in treatment, because it reinforces stereotypes and validates negative perceptions.

      • Anon

        +1. Social media definitely makes this worse. I cringe when I see “lol #anxietyproblems” tagged with a meme about cancelling plans at the last minute or “#introvertlife” tagged on a joke about not wanting to attend a friend’s wedding. Anxiety is real, but so is being rude.

        • Anon

          +1. My Gen Z daughter and I talk a lot about how mental illness was something to be ashamed of in my generation and something to brag about in hers. She had ADHD and anxiety, I believe her, she’s in treatment. But it bugs her because everyone who‘s blowing off school to f*** around calls it one of the two things she actually has, when they are largely using it as a LOL excuse on social media.

          The problem is that it makes people (professors mainly) take her stuff less seriously when just about everyone is claiming to have the same thing.

      • Anon

        I also feel like people here love to jump on commenters and tell them they have anxiety. Sure, it is worth asking if someone really seems to be struggling. But not every worry we have is anxiety. Even if you have one or two irrational worries that does not necessarily rise to the level of clinical anxiety that requires medical treatment.

        • Anonymous

          +1. And there are a lot of legitimate worries these days that commenters like to dismiss as anxiety.

        • Anon

          +1. I remember one time on this site when someone said that she was concerned that her partner kept leaving the stove on and then leaving the house, which could obviously start a fire and be a risk to the structure and to their dog. I was absolutely baffled when a bunch of posters said the solution was to get on anxiety meds for her “overwhelming anxiety.” Um no, the solution is to find some way to get the partner to not burn the house down.

          • Airplane.

            I agree that it’s a real fire risk to have a partner leave the stove on and leaving the house.
            The anxiety poster I remember is the one who was too anxious to leave the house to get milk for her children and was about to scream at her husband for eating the food they did have too quickly.

  24. Anon

    Just venting about how I cleaned house on social media – I used to leave conservative people on my Facebook friends list because 1) we were friends at one point and Facebook was all we really had left, and/or 2) I genuinely wanted to read conservative viewpoints from people I knew in real life to try to understand what in the heck they are all thinking. As the Trump era has gone on though, I really am shocked at the things they post. RBG’s passing did me in. Anyone who posted negative things about her or the SCOTUS situation this weekend got the boot. A few people posted her quote about how the president doesn’t stop being president in his last year and called her dying wish hypocritical. Bye! I barely even get on social media but it feels lighter already.

    • anon

      Good for you. I worry about creating an echo chamber for myself, but I also can’t ignore what some of these pro-Trump messages to do my sense of peace and wellbeing. I am positive that some people have unfollowed me because I am not a Trump supporter and posted several RBG messages over the weekend. So be it, I guess.

      One of the hardest ones for me has been my FIL’s views. I just … don’t get it. How can he be so callous? Was he always this way and I didn’t see it until 2016? DH has tried to talk some sense into him, but it’s not sticking. He is retired and watches Fox Business all day long, so he’s not even hearing the other side. I truly believe he’s brainwashed.

      Sometimes I wish we could go back to 2015, when I had a rough idea of people’s political affiliations but wasn’t fully aware of people’s most repugnant viewpoints.

      • anonnnn

        There are many ways to not echo-chamber yourself and still block this crap from your social media. For instance, I read both liberal and conservative news (my conservative go to currently is The National Review and while I browse headlines in full, I only read those authors who I trust to be well-researched even if I don’t agree with their conclusion).

      • Anon

        I was talking to a friend who is a democrat but sells products to various small business. He pointed out that almost all small business owners will vote republican. No matter how much they abhor everything the party does, they are terrified of any new taxes/paid leave programs/minimum wage raises cutting into their very small margins and putting them out of business or causing layoffs.

        To them, it is putting their family, their employees and their kids first. It helped me see them less as callous and more afraid. It’s sad that our economy lets people be so close to the brink in the first place that any change to our economic structure could wipe out certain industries.

        I have friends that work for health insurers. They all agree that we would be better off with single payer but will they vote for it? They will be out of a job. What if they are a senior VP? Where else are they going to go work at this point? I think there would now be tons of government jobs processing claims but not the C-suite style jobs.

        No matter how altruistic people claim to be, they will not vote against their own interests.

        I can vote democrat because none of those policies take money out of my family’s pockets, if anything they add to it. Would I still feel that way if I was the one about to lose a job? Probably not.

        For the lawyers, do you accept legal insurance plans? If not, why not? For me, I only accept some and I select it based on which ones provide a fair reimbursement rate for my services. Why do we expect doctors to cut their rates in half to appease either the government (Medicare) or insurance companies? There are too many interests to balance. If as a country we started arguing lawyers are a human right, even for civil matters and all lawyers will now be government provided but we will only get a fee of $100/hour instead of $250-$800/hour, how many lawyers would be for that?

        • Anon

          I feel like you’re dismissing a lot of genuinely good people. Hubs and I always vote against our best interest because a little money is not worth human suffering, my friends also vote exclusively against their own interests because they know a small inconvenience is worth a better outcome for others.

          • Anon

            You are right that I painted with too broad a brush. The wealthy absolutely can stand to lose some money and will vote against their interests. It is the middle class small business owner that is terrified.

          • Anonymous

            I mean my mother is genuinely scared at the thought being of providing health insurance to the people who work at her ice cream store. But she cares about the future of American democracy and women’s rights too much to ever vote trump. I’d say her priorities are exactly right.

        • Anonymous

          I’d sign up to make $100 an hour in a heartbeat if it made this country a fairer and more livable place for the millions of people struggling to get by. And honestly, I’d be disappointed in anyone who doesn’t think that’s enough money.

          And it’s a specious argument to think that programs such as healthcare don’t benefit middle class workers. One of the reasons southern Ontario was able to pull car plants away from Detroit is because the cost of operating is lower because they don’ t have to provide health care coverage for their unionized workers.

          • Anon

            I agree with you that all of these policies benefit the middle class. Many just don’t see it.

            Making $100/hour would be great. My firm making $100/hour would not be great as they would probably slash my pay from near $100k to $40k.

    • Anonymous

      Um, good for you? I don’t believe in supporting dying wishes for anyone. If it is something you can easily do, or would have done anyways, fine. But there is no moral or legal imperative to try to fulfill someone’s attempt to control what happens in the world after they are dead.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        But the issue is the blatant hypocrisy of Republicans. Of course a wish isn’t an imperative.

        • Anon

          The Biden rule is that you do not nominate a new Justice when two conditions are met:
          1. election year
          2. Senate is controlled by a different party than the Presidency.

          • anon

            LOL please. How can you possibly say this with a straight face? Who do you think falls for this crap other than republicans who are desperate to justify their hypocrisy? Setting aside the fact that calling Mitch McConnell’s cynical ploy in 2016 adherence to “the Biden rule” is completely absurd, can you please cite where anyone referenced your alleged condition number 2? Because that seems to be a brand new concept this year, miraculously.

        • Anonymous

          I just refused to be surprised that politics is political. For everyone. For all of the Ds who insisted that President Obama put up someone, he put up Garland, who was conservative (considering). He knew what Senate he was dealing with. HRC supported this. It’s not really surprising that the Senate didn’t move the nomination then.

          Now . . . IDK if Judge Lagoa will agree to be martyred so that you can rally Cubans in South Florida. Or the other one so you can get Harris on record again skewering someone for being Catholic (thus rallying much more of the country). IDK, but I see either scenario as likely.

          Politics is politics. And none of it is a clean pretty sport. I think shows like House of Cards are really right about how DC works.

          IMO I wish RGB’s statement of her successor had been kept private. I really respect her and her personal story and was always a big Marty Ginsburg fan (and did their marriage now show how the right partner will be wind in your sails and the wrong partner will doom you and especially your career, especially if you have kids or an illness (or both)), but she is usually better than wading into the fray like this.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Her expressing that thought on her deathbed is far more likely to be her deepest fear as she lay dying (what a terrible way to go!) than some sort of attempt to machinate the outcome. Given how impactful her death is going to be on our political landscape and how divided Americans already are right now, I don’t think public sentiment would look any different had we not heard about her statement.

          • Anonymous

            No doubt it was one of her deepest fears. I know that elected and appointed judges are political creatures. But I still don’t like it when they reveal themselves to be that. I like to pretend in my mind that in such an ugly mudslinging take-no-prisoners time, they are above all that.

            Sentiment wouldn’t be different. But I don’t like hearing “it was her dying wish, so X.”

            I wish all of this had been left out of the narrative. She was a giant — I went to a worse-ranked law school, did not have a baby in law school to care for, did not have a husband sick with cancer at the same time, and did much worse than her. She was a true lion and had a heart for this probably like no other. I wish I had half her energy even though I am so much younger.

        • Seventh Sister

          It’s totally hypocritical, but this didn’t really surprise me. I’ve been thinking all weekend that expecting him NOT to try and confirm someone ASAP is like expecting a toxic boyfriend not to say one thing and do another.

    • Anon

      I say this as a conservative who would much rather Justice Amy Coney Barrett than a young progressive: I’m beyond furious with RBG for not getting off the bench in 2014 when Democrats had the Senate and the Presidency.

      To compare, Justice Kennedy made the choice the she refused to make: retire at age 81 when your party nominates and confirms your replacement. Justice Scalia would have had a different choice: retire at age 70 under Bush when the Democrats held the Senate. Rehnquist only found out he had cancer six months before he died. Souter left the bench approximately 0.00002 seconds after Obama took office. Stevens left shortly after Souter and lived another 9 years.

      There’s a reason that we went fifty years without a single Justice dying in office: retirement.

      • Anonymous

        Right?! If I had lifetime tenure, a staff and law clerks, on-site parking, a private gym and cafeteria, and summers off, I might stay on well past 65, regardless of who is in office :)

        OTOH, my current job I will likely leave ASAP (which is financial-related, b/c lifestyle wise it take a huge toll). Last summer I had off (and couldn’t / didn’t need to work for $), I was 13.

        • anon

          What does this have to do with anything? You think RBG stayed on the bench because she had onsite parking and a cafeteria? Honestly, are you serious? What an insane thing to day. You think you work harder and contribute more than RBG? Do you even understand that her contributions allowed you to have a job.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        How on earth was she supposed to know in 2014 what would be happening right now? Nobody saw 2016 coming.

        And if you’d like someone like Barrett on the bench, then why are you “furious” with RBG? You’re getting what you want out of this.

        • Anonymous

          I think if I could retire when I was a grandparent with a cancer diagnosis, I’d retire. These are all political creatures, and RBG was no exception. She expected HRC to win and maybe retire later. She gambled and lost. With this much at stake, and since she was such a friend to Justice Scalia (his death IIRC was sudden and unexpected), I’m a bit surprised that she didn’t retire during President Obama’s term (I am guessing the Senate would have insisted on a conservative D, like a Merrick Garland, perhaps not to her taste). Maybe she thought an HRC win and D-controlled Senate would yield a different candidate? Maybe she was not ready to go (she clearly did not have my job!)? We will never really know. Maybe she woke up the day after the election just shattered and full of OMG I have to live another 4-8 years? Life is really a chess game, for some people.

          It is interesting to me now that the SCT is all Jewish + Catholic, how much anti-Catholic bias we see for Barrett (which we should also see for Lagoa, but perhaps muted b/c no one can offend a largely Catholic electorate and especially anyone in South Florida who is Cuban in the fall of 2020). A hundred years ago none of these people would be on the SCT and if you need some reminders of how far we have come as a country, this is your reminder.

          • Nope

            There are 2 Jews on SCOTUS out of 8. Saying SCOTUS is “all Jewish and Catholic” reads as anti-Semitic to me as it seems to imply that Jews are unduly controlling the court. I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way (at least I hope not) but this is a very old anti-Semitic trope that I want to push back against.

        • Anon

          I am furious at each and every woman who voted for Trump. They’re the problem here, the problem is not that RBG didn’t retire soon enough. White women rely too much on their whiteness to protect them, but their womanhood is a huge vulnerability given what Trump and the Republicans want to do. They’re the ones that sold the rest of us women out.

          • Anon

            I’m more pissed at the men who voted for Trump. They don’t get to be off the hook here. Women who voted for Trump are still subject to sex discrimination and misogyny. Dworkin’s book Right Wing Women helped me understand why some of them think that conservative governments will protect them better.

          • Anon

            I looked up Dworkin’s book. I’m interested, but it was published in 1983. Any recs for a similar book written more recently?

          • Anon

            I don’t know of anything similar from today since a lot of people love to sh*t on second-wave feminism and act like it’s all irrelevant now. I suggest going with Dworkin – you won’t find a sharper mind anywhere.

          • Anon

            To Anon at 1:54 — I haven’t read that one, but I’ve read several books by feminists published in the 70s and 80s and they read as it they were published last month. That was one of the most depressing parts of the whole thing.

          • Seventh Sister

            I will be forever angry at lefty people in 2016 who complained about Hillary and the ones who didn’t vote.

          • Seventh Sister

            My whole relationship with my mom is predicated on the fact I will not ask her (or let her tell me) who she voted for in 2016. (I know my dad voted for Trump.)

        • Anon

          Just for all those saying that Ginsburg didn’t retire in 2014 because she wanted Hillary to nominate her replacement: Hillary announced her candidacy on 12 April 2015.

          • Anonymous

            It was hardly a surprise then though. To me, in a flyover state. Among Washington insiders . . . If not HRC, then it would have been someone like her. Not a conservative (Jim Webb?).

        • Anon

          I’m kind of judging the “everybody” who didn’t see 2016 coming. I remember being reassured by my therapist, of all people, about the political movements I saw happening in my flyover home state (she said those people were a “radical fringe” that would “never matter”). Haha.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            So you saw it coming? Really? All of *this*? Certainly we all knew there was growing discord and agitation, but who could’ve ever predicted it would have taken on its current form?

          • Anon

            In 2016 I was following five thirty eight closely. As an actuary I understand the statistics. Everyone was saying “don’t worry, Hillary’s going to win easily.” I knew that wasn’t true. She might have won, but it wasn’t going to be “easily.” James Comey and the October surprise did her in. And make no mistake, all the garbage about her emails and Benghazi was about 90% sexism. How dare a woman be so confident and secure!

            In 2020, I can barely stand to look at polls.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            cbackson, I remember reading that back when it was published and I completely agreed with it. I think we all knew that Trump would spell trouble for us and our democracy if he were elected, but what I mean by saying we “didn’t see this coming” is that we believed the polls and thought Clinton would win. I don’t think most liberals ever “didn’t see” or downplayed just how terrible Trump was and what his election would mean for our country.

            I guess I’m scratching my head at the Cassandras in this thread who seemingly knew better than all the rest of us and weren’t at all surprised the morning after the election. Good for you?

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Anon at 3:06, FiveThirtyEight had the odds at 71.4% for Clinton in 2016. While that was lower than many other models, it still was in favor of Clinton.

          • Anon

            Actuary here. Yes I saw that, but I also saw the distribution and the margin of error. The thing I like(d) about five thirty eight is that they don’t just show their data as a single point estimate. They show the spread and the uncertainty.

            It was clear that they knew there was a significant chance it would go the other way.

            You should read their post-election stuff if you’re interested in the statistical methodology.

      • Anon

        +1 to all of this. She should have stepped down in 2014. She was already 81 at that point.

        • Anonymous

          With at least two independent bouts of cancer behind her at that point! While her legacy is so, so important, I agree with the person above who said RBG gambled and lost. My fear over the weekend is that her passing handed Trump his victory again.

      • anonymous

        Ridiculous. First of all, why are you so eager to lay the blame on the shoulders of one woman– especially this woman, who has done so much good? The idea that she’s easily replaceable is just nuts to me. Think about the amount of institutional knowledge that she had, along with her judicial philosophy. And you’ll just toss it out like it’s valueless? Second, how on earth was RBG supposed to know what 2016 would bring? Some how she was supposed to see the future and save us from this current situation? We should actually lay the blame not on RBG for failing to see the future but on the thousands and thousands of other people who actively contributed to the election of Trump and the current situation with SCOTUS. All the republicans who fell in line and supported him. Everyone who voted for him. Everyone who didn’t vote, whether because they couldn’t “hold their nose,” or wanted bernieeeeee instead, or just were too dang lazy. Everyone who has contributed to disenfranchisement of voters. Redistricting. The electoral college. Trump himself. McConnell for his treatment of Garland. Lastly, your proposed practice shamelessly politicizes the Court. Justices are not supposed to “have parties” (obviously they do but it’s not a part of their role as Justices). They do not work for those parties.

          • anonymous

            “Everyone who didn’t vote, whether because they couldn’t “hold their nose,” or wanted bernieeeeee instead, or just were too dang lazy.”

            Literacy! Such a gift. Or did you expect me to do a comprehensive listing of each individual who contributed to this disaster? Or do you simply want to distract from the point?

          • Anon

            I was thinking we could blame unpopular candidates, bad campaigning, and weak platforms, but I guess we could just blame voters? I’m mostly just worried this is going to happen again if it turns out “being a man and not a woman” isn’t enough to help Biden win where Hillary failed.

        • cbackson

          Look, there’s plenty of blame to go around, but the court is and has always been political. The voting behavior of federal judges is highly predictable based on a number of factors, of which among the most significant is the party of the president that appointed the judge (there is extensive academic work on this by judicial behavior scholars). It’s slightly harder to draw the statistical inferences with SCOTUS, but that’s only because the data set isn’t big enough given the limited number of cases the Supremes hear annually. The court is not, and has never been, an ivory tower that stood above politics and the idea that it is actually contributes IMO to an unhealthy reliance on judicial action to bring change rather than grassroots political advocacy.

          What the Supreme Court gives, the Supreme Court can take away and it can take only one justice to do it, as we may see now. What is won through the hard work of organizing at the state level is much harder to undo. That’s why a change in the court threatens abortion rights in Georgia in a way that it doesn’t in New York or Washington State.

          • anonymous

            No kidding. I know the Court is political and that judges’ voting behavior often correlates to their political affiliations. I’m also a lawyer and former federal law clerk. None of this takes away from what I said– there’s a difference between acknowledging that the Court is political and actively lambasting RBG for failing to make career decisions based on a desire to achieve a particular ideological balance on the Court.

            I assure you I am very aware of the problems resulting from placing too much power in the Court’s hands, especially with respect to abortion rights. I also live in Georgia. I am well versed on this issue. I do not believe and nothing in my comment indicates that relying on the Court as the only sword/shield for various civil rights is not a terrible idea. It is. But, the reality is that for us poor souls who do live in these benighted states, the Court currently is that shield. Actually, is this post responsive to my post? Not sure, because it doesn’t seem to address anything I actually said.

        • Anonymous

          We’re talking about scheduling your retirement.

          No one knows when they will die. At my age, the actuarial tables say it’s unlikely. My guess is that you can’t get life insurance on an 81-year-old who has had cancer twice (OTOH, there is the school of thought that if you’ve survived that, nothing will get you).

          My friends from the military are retiring this year with their 20 years in. Some will serve longer, but from what I saw with my friends’ parents and now my friends, if they can retire, they do retire. Those who work longer tend to do so only b/c their finances don’t permit it.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      So if Trump wins, are we all just screwed? Unless you’re in the top 1% nationally, I feel like everyone will be screwed in the long run. Considering Covid-19, climate change, health insurance, racial justice, etc, I’m petrified if he wins again. Small businesses can’t survive because no one will have money to spend so even if they vote for Trump, they’re still screwed. Voting for Trump is short sighted. What do we do if he wins? Thank god I’m not at an age where I can easily get pregnant.

  25. anon

    What’s the best mask for working out? I’ve been wearing some cheap ones I got off Amazon and they chafe a bit. Are the Athleta ones any good? I’d love something that allows me to do like an hour of HIIT or something similarly intense and isnt terrible.

    • The Beagle Has Landed

      I like SwimSpot’s masks for working out. A bit thin for regular use/indoors but I double them up if I am using them for something indoors like groceries.

    • Sasha

      I read some suggestions for the structured duck bill style masks, which seems like they would work well. The problem for me is getting the fabric tented up over my mouth so I’m not sucking it in when I take deep breaths.

      • Anonymous

        This. I have traded my thin, very breathable masks marketed by a yoga company for working out for Johnny Was cotton masks because the structure is better than sucking in the mask all the time and having to change it out in the middle of the workout because it is dripping wet (though that can be true for any mask on intense days — I am lifting, not doing yoga or Pilates or barre). I might investigate the duck bill masks.

  26. anon

    Any recommendations for a good work backpack? I’d prefer not to spend more than $100. I’m sad to give up my beautiful leather tote, but that thing was killing my shoulders even before the pandemic. It’s time to move on and accept that if I’m lugging a laptop around, I need something different. I expect to be working from home most of the time, but commuting to the office 1-2 times per week.

    I saw one in Target’s new travel collection that looks intriguing, and the price is definitely right.

  27. anon

    How are your local businesses faring during the pandemic? I live in a college town, and our downtown businesses have become vocal about how much they’re struggling. It’s terrible and it stinks, but I’m also not likely to drive 20 minutes away to buy coffee during a pandemic. :( Similarly, one of my favorite local apparel/shoe stores is struggling. And I’d love to patronize them, but I also … don’t really need clothes and shoes right now? I am really struggling with this. I don’t want to see these businesses go under but I also don’t see myself buying for the sake of buying. How are others managing this? As a community member, what is the right thing to do here?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t buy for the sake of buying but I do try to buy from my local businesses when I can.

    • Cb

      I think non-hospitality businesses seem to be doing okay. The tea shop, veg shop, and bookshops I frequent seem to be doing alright as they were able to rejig to online deliveries and takeaway. Cafes seem to be doing alright as well. But it must be harder for apparel and shoe shops, homewares, etc. Gardening shops were some of the first to open and were mobbed. I had quit Amazon in January and am now back to it, because we don’t have the shops local to us for household things.
      And shout out to Ribena, who started a very cool Instagram account featuring indie businesses.

    • Anonie

      I haven’t done this yet myself, but I have seen many small businesses ask patrons to purchase gift cards for goods they may want at a later date. I am considering it for several businesses I love. And, also, when possible…consider driving the extra 20 minutes to buy coffee from a local shop you love rather than a chain. I don’t and can’t always do that (and I am admitted sucker for the Starbucks PSL) but I try when it’s possible.

      • Anon

        My local shoe store just asked people *not* to do this. Apparently they’ve had a long run recently of people cashing them in and it’s causing cash flow issues.

        • Anonie

          Oh wow. I hadn’t heard of anything like this. I’ll do some research; thanks for the heads up.

    • Anon

      I gave myself permission to not worry about the personal fate of local businesses, it is not in my interest to spend money I otherwise was not going to spend just to keep a business afloat.
      But I also gave myself the duty to frequent a local business whenever I have the option, even if a bigger business is slightly more convenient or slightly cheaper. So I drive that extra mile to go to the local nursery, I visit local food trucks with outdoor seating (trying to stay safe), I find an items I want on Walmart and Amazon then go and directly order from the small business actually selling it.
      But I’m not spending extra money on stuff I don’t need.

    • Anon

      Are you on social media? Like and share their posts – it’s fast and free. Or just make your own post about how awesome they are. Leave them a good review on Google or Facebook or wherever you can.

      I have re-committed to shopping local and also to less unnecessary buying, but everyone I know is getting a holiday gift from a local business this year and I deliberately started my holiday shopping earlier than normal.

      Mine are generally doing ok. A few are struggling, but for the most part they’ve gotten creative and are utilizing contact-free pickup and online ordering options.

    • Anon

      Yes, I won’t buy anything I don’t need but if I want a new scented candle for fall I’ll go out of my way to go to the local jewelry store with inconvenient hours that sells nice ones. I don’t use Amazon at all but buy at local businesses for everything possible. Clothes and shoes are the main exception.

  28. Anon

    I want to create a good home office setup. All the Insta-friendly influencer offices are all clean lines and white desks and Macs and beautifully designed chairs. I love that look, but where does all their STUFF go? I want a balance between style and functionality. I love clean lines and uncluttered surfaces, and I do not like the look of a stuffed hutch or lots of drawers. Where’s the compromise?

    Would love to hear about your home office setups. Any desk or chair recommendations (and combinations that you like!) in particular would be very helpful!

    • Anon

      Insta-friendly offices have one big thing in common – they are paperless and often only a small portion of the work the person does is actually on a computer (usually editing shots or something of that nature) so they have no need for stuff. My main solution was to get rid of extraneous items and go as minimal as possible – all the office “stuff” goes on open shelves beside the desk/ on the wall behind the desk. Office shelves aren’t meant to be full of decor, so get over that expectation, but they can be very organized.
      Key is to keep the desk clear of anything you aren’t currently working on. When you’re not working the desk is computer situation (space for laptop or monitor and keyboard etc.) and maybe a pen cup.

      For example, one of my shelf sets contains reference books and manuals that I need on a regular basis, with the top two shelves holding a plant and a few knick knacks and candle (this is a 6.5ft shelf so it balances), the other shelf holds a printer, paper, some standard office supplies and mailing materials, and the top shelf holds something else decorative. Small items go in the desk drawer.

    • Cb

      Ugh, my frustration with this (and desks available for purchase) is that they are all just displayed with a Macbook, rather than the big screen, keyboard, mouse I need. I am currently working off an IKEA kitchen table so interested to hear any advice, particularly for small spaces.

    • Anonymous

      All my stuff goes in my backpack. Prior to the lockdown, I worked in an office with only hotel space so people didn’t leave things overnight. Now that I wfh full time, I still pack up my things in my backpack on Fridays and tuck it away, along with my big monitor, in a decorative storage bench I got at Home Goods. The only thing that remains on my dining table turned desk from Pier 1 when I am not working is my vase of flowers.

      • Mondays

        This is a helpful idea, I’m struggling with where to put a monitor and this could be the solution

      • Anon

        +1 cabinets or very clean built in drawers are how you get the minimalist look while still owning stuff.

    • Anonymous

      I just decided to really invest in my home office and ordered a Herman Miller Aaron chair (open box model so not full price) and Uplift adjustable standup desk because of all of the problems I’m having with comfort. I wish I did this early in the WFH pandemic scene like my brother but live in learn. These are both spendy items but I think it’ll be worth it in the long run. The Uplift reviews and gallery have pics of real life home office set ups so you can get some inspiration.

      • NY CPA

        I just invested in a used refurbished SteelCase Think chair (same ones used in our office) and I’m SO glad I did. Was having acute back and tailbone pain in my chair from Staples that I bought at the start of the pandemic, so this was definitely worth it! I spent about $315 at a local office furniture store vs about $180 for my Staples chair.

      • anon

        +1

        We bought a Herman Miller Aeron chair last year (the newer model, not the old one) as a splurge when it was on “sale” (10% off) at Design Within Reach. It was NOT cheap but in retrospect I am so glad we bought it. I suffer from chronic migraines and will get headaches at the slightest bit of bad posture and the Aeron has been very good to me. If DH was also WFH I would not hesitate to buy another one so we don’t have to fight over it. If you can snag an open box/used one in good condition I’d go for it! Herman Miller has some “prettier” looking ergonomic chairs if you don’t like the look of the Aeron.

  29. Mal

    I’m looking for a large blanket to throw over my sofa to protect it from my dog. She doesn’t have accidents but I think a waterproof one would be ideal. Have any of y’all bought anything for this purpose and really liked it? Appreciate the tips.

    • Anon

      For me what worked best was the OstepDecor Couch Cover from A M A Z O N. They have different shapes and colors to best fit your situation – I got the simple rectangle (but they have options to cover the sides and backs too) to tuck into the seat portion of the sofa and it has literally saved my couch from human and dog accidents. Very machine washable and heavy enough not to come off with every sit (though tucking them in is keep to prevent movement).

    • Anonz

      Orvis is the best for these types of things. They’re pretty simple looking– solid classic colors, maybe with some quilting, but they stay put and genuinely protect. Spendy, but worth it.

  30. Anon

    Thoughts on the quality and sizing at Sezane? I’ve long admired their stuff from afar but sometimes wonder if I’m just being seduced by good marketing and styling. Especially interested in their coats, bags, and tops. Thanks!

    • Anon

      Runs small, no inclusive sizing. I thought their stuff looked really nice, but I don’t think it would fit me and I want to support brands with more options for all.

      • Anon

        Inclusive sizing isn’t as easy as people seem to think it is. It requires so many additional costs such as pattern grading, fit models, sample garments, cutting and sewing directions. You act like it’s some malicious act and not that it’s a laborious activity that a small business may not be able to afford.

      • Anonymous

        On the other hand, I would like to support brands that don’t engage in vanity sizing that leaves out people on the small end, including people like me who are just sort of small-ish. Sorry, Free People and Loft, but I shouldn’t be too small to fit into your XS. Someone my size should be a solid S.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      Runs small. Quality is meh – I was an earlier adopter of Les Composantes (the pre-Sezane brand) and it was locally produced, high quality, all natural fibers. I don’t want to sound like a grinch but I stopped buying when they expanded and started charging $200 for a polyester blouse. There is some good stuff out there but it’s generally overpriced and not worth it unless significantly discounted.

  31. Anon

    Apologize in advance, but I couldn’t find the earlier discussions.

    I have found out the hard way that the home office chair I use is just wrong and bad for me. I’m working on a replacement, but in the meantime whom should I see for treatment? Chiropacter? Physical therapy? Just swim it off? Certain exercises? Thank you!

  32. Believer of Science in a Red State

    Just a vent…In my small school, three weeks into school year, we had a sudden switch to online learning after two teachers tested positive. One thinks this is all a hoax, did not wear mask unless it was required. Principal also doesn’t wear mask frequently. I always wore my mask, took all the precautions, and got tested yesterday, and today have chills and slight cough. I’ve been isolated from my family since I found out I was exposed on Friday, but come on people, wear the da** mask and don’t gather in large groups! Do people really have to lose someone close to them before they realize this is serious?

    • Anon

      Yes, apparently. An 8th person just died from that horrendously irresponsible wedding in Maine (none of the deaths were among people who attended or were involved with the wedding directly). I’m sorry for your situation and I hope you feel better soon.

    • Anon

      Can you explain what it means to be a “believer of science”? Science is not a religion that you believe in or not; it’s a process of observation and systematic study. It’s not like ‘settled science’ applies to anything with COVID-19: social distancing was literally invented in 2007 and has never been tried until now. Mask mandates were never used because there is clear theory that they work but limited direct evidence (especially as used by normal people; physicians swap them out every hour or so, as their efficacy craters after that).

      • anonshmanon

        I’m pretty sure the OP meant ‘believer’ as opposite to ‘denier’, not implying that one’s personal beliefs change the reality around us.

      • Anon

        People were distancing from one another over miasma before germ theory; you must be thinking of some absurdly specific definition of social distancing.

  34. Anon

    How do you deal with the physical manifestations of stress when you can’t just make the stress go away? A large part of my job involves response to COVID, so it has been a stressful time and I can’t just stop doing the stressful things. I’ve learned some great techniques from therapy for handling the mental aspects of the stress, but I’ve got aches and pains and headaches that I’m pretty sure exist or are worse because of this stress. I’m thinking I need to start prioritizing exercise and yoga/mindfulness but I’m wondering if there are other things I should be thinking about to take care of my body.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      For me, the answer to physical stress is always exercise. If I can’t get a real workout in, a least a walk outside.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I took up running. I also do yoga but I don’t find that to help with stress. I’ve never been able to be consistent with meditation. Running is the best thing for me. You’re alone, but out of your home and so exhausted you can’t even think, at least when I do it.

    • anon

      Running and yoga, 100%. Nothing else works and these two things are highly effective. If you need to do it every day, do it. I start to decline if I have two days without either.

    • Anon

      I take extra magnesium (at night, to sleep better) and a B complex (in the morning, to face the day). Maybe it only helps because I run low anyway, but when I’m stressed, it’s like I really can’t skip or I’ll feel it.

    • Vicky Austin

      I always feel better after exercising (including yoga, but I really have to tune everything else out for it to be effective), a long hot bath with a book, or watching a comedy special (really into Sarah Millican lately).

    • anon

      When I’m in this state, the things that help most are exercise, stretching and warm baths. Consistently. And the usual go to bed early when you need to/eat as well as you can manage. It won’t take the edge off, necessarily, but it’ll keep it from getting worse.

      I am right there with you. I’ve also been working on COVID response, and so has my DH. We are completely worn out.

    • Airplane.

      I combat physical with physical. Weightlifting and yoga. Making sure to do warm up and cool down stretching. Mobility exercises for the places you hold tension – hips, back, shoulders, neck. Massage with a lacrosse ball (use the lacrosse ball to massage your traps by bending at the waist and using the corner wall, rolling on soles of the feet, using a corner wall to passage the oft-neglected pec muslces) foam rolling your IT band and any tight areas in the lower body.

    • Anonyz

      Decluttering. I cannot relax with junk all over that I can trip on or knock over. It’s a huge part of my mental and physical health to have wide open spaces inside the home.

    • Anon

      Oh my god I could have written this! Working on covid, physical manifestations of stress and needing a release.

      I’m getting a massage tomorrow and I’m thrilled. I’m also re-prioritizing drinking water and eating well and moving (walking and dynamic stretching) even if I don’t have time to workout.

  35. Anon

    My friend works for AFAR magazine, similar to Travel and Leisure, and was just sent on her first trip since the pandemic started. I believe she is in Rwanda. If you are interested in her article about her flying experience. It is here.
    Before bashing her for traveling, please keep in mind this was a work assignment and not pleasure.

    https://www.afar.com/magazine/tips-for-taking-an-international-flight-during-coronavirus?fbclid=IwAR1dYQYXUGFg2L2q2VOrTulNLWrYvqlqNnfWObavymWBY7sjzbjvNkbj8d0

    • Anon

      There was a small controversy when a Tiktok influencer traveled to Rwanda (also see crocodile tears of a spoiled brat) then cried like a baby about her terrible treatment, complained no one spoke english – English is an official language of Rwanda – and generally acted like she was unfairly jailed. All recorded and posted by her on social media from her clearly cush hotel room with free wifi. In reality she was quarantined in her already booked hotel room after testing positive upon arrival and released 24 hours later after a additional tests came back negative. She was reamed for unnecessary travel (she claimed that it was a charity trip to “save the gorillas” but later confessed that she would donate some of the proceeds she got from sponsorships to a gorilla charity), and for racializing a country’s competent handling of the pandemic. It was almost a textbook example of westerner false privilege and quite disgusting to observe.

      This doesn’t relate to your friend but is definitely interesting to read about. Rwanda has apparently had a pretty good response – definitely much better than the U.S. – to the pandemic and is generally pretty safe to travel to right now.

    • Anon

      Nah, no one should be flying for work for something like that. It doesn’t sound like it was a trip to provide orphans with medical care or something that you could actually justify. Just because it’s “for work” doesn’t mean it’s necessary. I can appreciate that you want more clicks on the article you wrote, though. Nothing wrong with that.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. Everyone in the travel industry should give up their livelihood and live a life of poverty now.

        • Anon

          There’s a lot of room between “let’s fly to Rwanda and see what travel is like today!” and “life of poverty.” Off the top of my head, a travel magazine could write think pieces about sustainable travel, suggest local get-aways for readers in different regions, seek out more advertising revenue, bring in writers of color who have been underrepresented, etc. etc.

      • Anonny

        +1 yep just because it’s ‘work’ doesn’t mean it’s necessary. If my office isn’t sending people to the UN (yeah that UN) your ‘friend’ doesn’t need to go to Rwanda

        • Anon

          I agree with you that the business didn’t “need” to do it but whether she needed to when her employer assigned her the job, see Airplane’s comment below.

          I’m glad my employer is doing the pandemic right. If they weren’t though, I wouldn’t be able to quit in protest.

      • Airplane.

        I see your point, but it was necessary for her, for her to make a living and continue to be employed. You can pushback but if your employer insists, do you quit in protest? I am curious. If you’re not in a senior enough position to put your foot down, your field is in a downturn or not in demand, and you don’t have a trust fund to fall back on, what are you supposed to do?

        • Anon

          It really is my friend, not me. I’m just a boring lawyer. Pre-pandemic I’d love to be doing her job! Not right now though. I know a lot of people here were frequent international travelers prior to the pandemic and might find it interesting. And Airplane at 2:16 nailed it. Keep that in mind too when seeing other people in the travel industry write as if something was a choice. It is often not. Anyone that has worked in publishing can tell you how these sorts of assignments work.

          • Airplane.

            Yes, I was responding to anon at 2:30 “Nah, no one should be flying for work for something like that.”

            My employer is doing the pandemic right and like the above poster, if they weren’t, I am not sure I would not able to quit in protest.

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