Suit of the Week: Banana Republic Factory

130 Comments

1. Cleaning/clutter question. I have a bad habit (and my husband does too, but to a lesser extent) of letting clothes pile up. Every day I come home, strip off my work clothes and leave them on my dresser or the bench in our bedroom. It would take about 30 seconds to walk across the room to my closet and hang my clothes up. But I just don’t seem able to! I’ve had this habit pretty much my whole life. Clothes pile up and get so wrinkled, and it makes my bedroom a cluttered mess. Then about once a week I have to spend 30 minutes sorting through and hanging stuff up.

   We just got a beautiful new dresser and got rid of the bench. I’d love to solve this habit. Anyone ever successfully broken it?

   1. If habit trackers work for you, try that! Having enough space in your closet and plenty of empty hangers, that will probably help. I once read that you leave more stuff lying around when it doesn’t have a proper place, and I found that to be true.

      1. This is my downfall. Putting the thing away is not what’s hard for me, usually. It is not a challenge to get myself to take ten steps to put something somewhere. What’s challenging is when I have to determine where the best place is for the thing to go, or reshuffle other items to make the thing fit. That’s what I don’t have the bandwidth for at the end of the day. Hanging up a sweater is not a monumental task. Hanging up a sweater when I can’t step all the way into my closet because there’s stuff in the way is a task.

   2. Honestly, I’d probably just roll with that habit and buy a clothing rack that’s meant for once-worn but still clean items, because I’d rather let them air out a bit before putting them away, and then I’d set aside time to put everything away at once, maybe right before bed.

      But anonshmanon is onto something. If your closet and drawers are full, putting things away becomes a big chore because you have to really cram stuff in there. Better to declutter and sell/recycle/donate the stuff you’re not wearing so putting things away is less stressful.

   3. What about a basket with hangers where u would throw ur stuff so I’ll be more inclined to hang it right away even if u don’t walk to the closet

   4. I used to do this but I’m also lazy (so don’t like to iron) cheap/environmentally aware (so don’t like to go to the cleaners) and cheap/shopping adverse (so I like my clothes to last a long time) so I created a new habit pretty easily. I take everything off in the master bathroom and hang things up to air out and release wrinkles so I don’t have to iron again. (I look at everything and make sure there are no stains.) I then hang them on a hook on the wall of the bathroom but a hook anywhere in the closet would also work or on the shower rod. If it’s something that goes in a drawer then I either hang it for a short time or put it in the drawer right away.

2. I have a very important set of meetings coming up. I have a black pant suit and a medium gray pant suit. Go with the black? It is that too invisible? It is too bad that the gray isn’t charcoal but it is still September, not the deal of winter. Ugh.

   1. I think the medium gray with a jewel tone top would be pretty, but black would work if you brighten it up a bit.

3. I really like this suit actually!

   Wanted to ask you ladies…I’m in corporate America, same company 10 plus years, I’m being pursued by another company, hard, it’s a little step back but they seem to want to meet on salary and other things. Why am I questioning it so badly? Anyone else switched jobs in middle 30s? I have tenure but have heard this new place has such a better environment and mine is lacking right now. I’m on the fence!

   1. You have tenure and are considering giving it up and taking a step back? I don’t understand

      1. I don’t think she means tenure in the academic sense, but I could be wrong!

   2. Are you planning to retire from your current company? If not, I think now is the time to entertain this. I think the term tenure may be confusing the above commenter. If you are truly in corporate america, and I am reading your timelines right, this has been your only employer (or close to). As someone who hires in corporate america, I hear the same feedback on employees who pass 12, 15, etc years in one place and then try to move companies, “oh, but all they know is that one place, they will be stuck in their ways”. Now, if you would be totally happy retiring from your current employer, ignore the above :)

      1. Thoughts on how to overcome the perception you mentioned: “oh, but all they know is that one place, they will be stuck in their ways”? I’ve been at the same place for 15 years and am looking to move. I’d welcome tips for how to proactively reduce a potential new employer’s concerns.

         1. This sounds like a great Ask A Manager question, maybe even for their Friday open thread.

            Have you moved from team to team? Has your company implemented new technologies/platforms/systems? Or undergone any structural changes? Can you play those up on your resume, i.e. “successful implementation of new system due to xyz great flexibe traits I have” ?

            Your cover letter also is a good spot for this. “Looking to expand knowledge base related to abc. Excited to move to your company, which is known for flexible team dymanics/cool technology/etc.”

            I guess I would take pains to demonstrate flexible mindset in whatever documents hiring teams would see before meeting you in person. And in person, plainly state that you are looking for a new environment to grow, and how their company’s culture is a good fit.

            If they ask you head on about it, you could talk about how moving into any new job is challenging, and that you’ve successfully dealt with changing teams/roles/responsibilities in the past within your old company by setting goals, communicating, learning about new processes and procedures before suggesting changes (so that you know what makes sense for the new environment, and you avoid the “well at my old company we always….”) etc.

            Think up a few examples of transition times for you, and tell the short story about why you were successful based on the steps you took. Maybe also have a story about a time where it didn’t work out well at first, what you learned from it, and how you turned the situation around to end well.

            Good luck!

            1. Very helpful, thank you! I’m reassured by this because I have done just what you mentioned – moved around, worked on lots of projects driving big change, etc. It is good to hear that this will be recognized if I’m thoughtful in how I call it out.

               Good idea to drop this on AAM too.

            2. Don’t know if you are checking this still, but happy you found this helpful. Wishing you all the luck with your search! I am sure you will find a role where they will appreciate your talent :)

   3. Seems like a good time to go for it! I’m in a very similar position – 10+ years, same company – and have started looking for new opportunities. The environment where I am isn’t great, probably won’t get better, and if I stay, I feel like I’ll be settling just because it’s the place I know.

      How is it a step back for you?

4. Can anyone comment on the length of the skirt of this suit? I’m getting ready to start a multi-week trial and this looks like a nice supplemental suit to have, but only if the skirt is closer to knee length on a non-model person.

   1. Site says 22″ – on me (5’8″, height mostly in torso) that’s solidly above the knee.

   2. Website says 22″.

5. Any insight on the going rate of cross-country moves? I need to move my 72 year old mother from upstate New York to Florida. Thanks!

6. Are wrap dresses still stylish? Any new ones you all like? Faux wraps too! I always liked the silhouette but unfortunately post baby I’m in need of an upsize. Thanks.

   1. There’s a crepe one at J.Crew that’s getting rave reviews. Saw a friend in it today and she looked great.

   2. The Karen Kane Cascade Wrap. Very flattering; I have it in two colors.

   3. I’m not sure if they’re super stylish, but they’re so comfy that I just don’t care. I’ve posted about this dress before but I’ll do it again because it is my absolute favorite – it’s the Ruby dress from Karina Dresses. It’s a faux wrap with a little more coverage up top so I don’t have to wear a cami or worry about pinning it closed. It’s also machine washable and doesn’t wrinkle. I think I own at least 5 of them in different colors/patterns.

7. This Aggie approves!

   btho Clemson

8. Posted too late in the earlier discussion so I’m reposting it here…

   Wondering if there’s anyone else in this hive who does this work whom I might be able to network with. I’ve been doing this work for a while but find it tough to connect with those in the same/similar type of work, though I’ve tried to do so online and via local mixers.

9. One of my favorite suits came from BR Factory Store – it was surprisingly well made and 100 percent wool. Only inconsistency was the sizing (I had to size way down from my usual). But one of my worst suits also came from BRF & basically looked awful after maybe 3 wears? Anyone have more recent experiences?
   I also wasn’t impressed with the whole “washable” line in their regular store so not sure if this will be as bad or worse.

   1. I was in Banana (not Factory), J Crew and Ann Taylor recently, and did not like any of the suits from Banana – the style/fabrics were just not working for me. I think I’ll be skipping Banana for a while.

      1. Thanks! I just got a nice suit from Talbots, of all places. Seasonless wool, jacket and cropped pants. Both were on sale and I just ordered the matching (I hope) skirt.

   2. Ha, I LOVE the washable line!! With kids and dogs and a general klutzy outlook on life, it’s a lifesaver to be able to wash my work pants but have them still look professional (my dress code is business professional and many washable pants just don’t make the cut), especially at that price point.

10. Lifeline? I’m pretty overwhelmed right now with a family member’s illness and grocery shopping/cooking is not happening. I’m sick of fast food. Is anyone a Trader Joe’s maven? What would you buy if you were a single person, no food restrictions, who just wants to duck in after work and buy enough food to last a week, given an unpredictable schedule and probably only needing three lunches and dinners? Everything is just impossibly hard and having anything in my apt with some nutritional value (doesn’t need to be aggressively healthy, must be quick and easy).

    1. Cooking Light makes delicious heat and eat meals that are nutritious and tasty. They’re sold in the refrigerator case. (For us, they’re near the meats.)

       Go to perfectfitmeals .com

       Their website says:

       Perfect Fit Meals are currently available at:

       Jewel Osco – Chicago
       Albertsons, Tom Thumb, United – Dallas
       Randalls – Houston
       Kroger – Houston/Dallas
       Big Y – New England (Lemon Pepper and Havana only)
       DeCA – 150 bases in US
       Lunds/Byerlys – Minneapolis (Lemon Pepper and Havana only)
       Woodmans – Illinois and Wisconsin
       Albertsons/Safeway – Phoenix (Lemon Pepper and Havana only)
       Frys – Phoenix
       Schnucks – St Louis
       HEB – Texas
       AmazonFresh

       1. Yes – these are really good!

    2. Their frozen Indian food is delicious (I like the butter chicken, and their naan is also great). Most of their dishes are very easy to heat up, and they tend to have an oven option and a microwave option. My absolute favorite is the frozen gnocchi, though.

       1. YES. I’ve gotten out of my frozen indian food habit but I was all about the frozen paneer dishes.

       2. +1

    3. The burritos in the yellow wrapping are vegetarian (cheese and beans essentially), and a great comfort food. They microwave in three minutes. If you want to be healthy, you combine half the burrito with a ready made salad.

       Fingerfood dinners (crackers, cheese, fruit, veggies, hummus) – TJs has nice cheese.

       Yoghurt, Banana and granola for breakfast.

    4. Things that keep a while:

       – the whole wheat veggie lasagna (make it in the oven and it’s good for about 3 portions, or 2 generous ones, & reheats well)
       – English muffins and either the chicken & lime frozen burgers or some kind of veggie burgers
       – veggie gyoza, which I would pair with some kind of frozen veggie, all sautéed in a pan but they’re good on their own too
       – the tomato soup in the carton is not bad in a pinch; the tomato basil soup they sell in the plastic container near the veggies is legitimately yummy
       – the veggie medley (carrots, peas and cauliflower in some kind of sauce) – I like this with everything from rice to scrambled eggs
       -canned tuna

       Things with a shorter shelf life:

       – eggs
       – riced cauliflower
       – maybe some pita bread
       – hummus

       I would lunch out of pita and hummus, leftover lasagna and tuna fish salad (or can make egg salad), and/or the tomato soup. Most of the rest can be used or not, as your week goes. Riced cauliflower sautéed with garlic and with an egg on top is an easy and delicious dinner. Add some bagged spinach mix if you want to make it more filling.

       I hope it gets easier and your family member gets better.

    5. Frozen gnocchi, turkey sausage, and frozen veggies of choice (I like French green beans). Cut up the sausage and throw everything in a skillet until hot.

       1. That gnocchi is awesome.

       2. Their frozen gnocchi is delicious. Pair it with a pre-made side salad and you have dinner ready in 7 minutes.

          I also like their mahi mahi burgers (even alone, they’re pretty good with teriyaki sauce) and their breaded chicken tenders with some of their frozen sweet potato fries. Not the healthiest, but I’m a new mom who just went back to work and convenience and ease are key right now.

    6. My favorite hack is the Knorr sauce mixes in a packet (or other brands are good too – McCormick for instance). Alfredo, pesto, four cheese, even marinara sometimes. Buy an assortment of those and a big box of spaghetti. Different dinner every night of the week. easy.

       1. Oops, didn’t realize this was a TJ’s question. I’ve never been able to shop there & have no idea what their selection is really like, but hopefully this inspires you somehow!

    7. TJ’s frozen pizzas/flatbreads are quite good and perfect for no energy meals. Also, the frozen Indian food, or the burritos, or the gyoza (though those are more effort). Get some prewashed greens, tomatoes, and whatever else you want to throw on a side salad for the healthy aspect – or you can cook green beans or broccoli or asparagus as an easy side.

    8. Honestly, this situation screams frozen lasagna to me. Make it one night in the over, reheat for several days. Make a big pot of steamed broccoli and BAM all of your major food groups. IDK what trader joes has, but I would go with either frozen lasagna or frozen enchiladas.

    9. Thank you all! This really means the world to me.

    10. Turkey meatloaf (can cook in the microwave!) and steamed precut broccoli – done in 5 min, one pot basically;

        1 lb ground meat, frozen rice, can of beans, preshredded cabbage, salsa, their premade guacamole – taco night, done in 20, max

        Premade salads

        Frozen pizza, add veggies like spinach while baking

        Salad greens + precooked chicken, add veggies, dressing to your taste

        Ground meat + jar of spaghetti sauce + the precut carrot/onion/celery + precut mushrooms over their frozen zucchini or carrot noodles

        Those are my regular go-tos. Kind of basic but done in less than 20 min and I feel relatively healthy. Also, kid friendly if that’s a concern.

    11. The Indian meals are good, and I also like the pastas and tamales. They have several different kinds of frozen veggies with sauces that are easy side dishes.

11. What are your strategies for dealing with feedback and criticism? I recognize that it’s something I’m not great at. I had a project recently that I did a poor job on and the feedback I got was that I did a poor job. Obviously. I think I struggle with how to move past that in a way that is productive. I feel bad and when I was younger, I think I would have looked to some external source, either boss or partner or friends, to try to absolve me of that feeling. I understand now that feeling bad is a natural consequence of doing a poor job and I need to deal with that feeling myself, but I don’t think I’m currently very good at that.

    Somewhat separately, I’m not confident in my ability to convey that I accept responsibility and know the seriousness of my mistake without coming across as making excuses. I don’t want to seem flippant, but I also don’t want to make it a bigger deal than it is. What do you ladies do?

    1. Think of it as a rare gift — someone spent time giving you honest feedback. Most people don’t bother, they just move on (without you).

       It’s like having a very stern coach — you’ve been told what you need to fix, now go and fix it. Don’t get upset and quit the team. Get better.

       1. +1. As a manager, it is so hard to give honest feedback when it is not the best feedback. Appreciate that someone took the time and mental resources to give you a platform to improve. This really means they want you to succeed! Do it!

    2. If you were working for me, I would want to hear about your analysis of the cause of the mistake (focus on what YOU could have done better) and how you will prevent this in the future/what lessons you have learned. How much do you blame outside factors (=making excuses) vs. focus on your side of things (=taking responsibility)? How will you do things differently going forward (=not making a big deal, but being conscientious and future oriented). I don’t need guilt, blame or excuses, I need you to have a plan.

       1. Anonshmanon, I want to work for you!

    3. Productive use of feedback is to figure out how to use it so you don’t make the same mistakes. So take the feedback to help ID what you need to do differently for the next project (or your work in general). You accept responsibility by making changes that have been identified, and not shifting the blame if it comes up in conversation.

12. If you don’t have children, do you go to theme parks? I don’t — I don’t live near one anyway — but I had a first date recently with a guy who seemed surprised that I hadn’t gone to any theme parks as an adult. He asked why not and I said it really hadn’t occurred to me to go to one, which seemed to surprise him more. Just curious how much of an outlier I am.

    1. I love theme parks & went all the time as an adult. In fact, children have put a damper on my ability to go (they’re still little so it’s just too much trouble).

    2. I went to Disney a couple years ago because I was out in CA visiting a friend who worked there. But other than that, no, I haven’t been to one since maybe 6th grade.

       I do know a handful of the rabid Disney fans who go regularly as adults. I actually know people for whom proximity to Disney was a key factor in their decision to relocate to FL – they now have annual passes and go at least once a month.

       As for us, we live ~20 minutes away from a Six Flags and have said once or twice it’d be fun, but we just aren’t ever that interested. If we had company that wanted to go or something, we’d certainly go have fun.

    3. I find this weird – not that someone else would like to go, but would expect everyone else to like to go too. I don’t even like to go to theme parks with my kids. The day my sons told me they hated Disneyland was a joyous day.

       1. +1

       2. He is weird, but more because his overall vibe was pretty judgmental, not specifically because he likes theme parks. I think he might have read some pick-up artist stuff. I was kind of curious whether my peers were going to theme parks and not telling me about it.

    4. I think you’re normal. My ex was into going to theme parks with his friends (all men in their mid-30s) and often said he felt old and creepy being there without kids. Once he said of Six Flags, “the people who were there with their kids were younger than us.”

       1. I once bought a Groupon to Victory Gardens in Central Park, which, if you’ve ever been, is designed for 4 year olds. This was pre-kids, we were in our late 20s, and we didn’t realize that it was basically all teacup rides until after we got there, but I insisted on making the most of it and going on every single ride. We definitely got some very strange looks! Mr. AIMS kept joking that he felt like he would get arrested.

    5. Um, no. I think he’s the outlier. I do have children and I still avoid Disney and Great America like the plague. They’re insanely expensive, have basically no shade so you’re out in the hot sun all day, have terrible, overpriced food and I don’t like roller coasters. I do like waterparks but I think post-college, pre-kid I only went to one once. It’s not really a common activity for childless adults.

    6. I love Disney! No kids, think it’s a super fun adult weekend. Don’t think it’s weird either way.

    7. Yes! I’m one of those adults who loves Disney World and have been several times as an adult and always have a great time!

    8. I have children and I don’t go to theme parks (and there is a big one in my city). I get motion sick and hate waiting in lines. I went to Great Adventure as a teen for Physics Day and that was great b/c it wasn’t crowded (yay, benefits of being a bit bookish) but I still got sick :(

       I know grownups who have gone to Epcot pre-kids (I think you can drink in every “country”). I have a friend who wants to ride a rollercoaster in every state.

       It’s just not my thing. I get that other people seem to love them.

    9. No, but only because I’m not a fan of roller coasters or thrill rides. I’d love to go to a Disney or Universal park soon, or even Cedar Point around Halloween for the Midnight Syndicate show, but those trips aren’t really a financial priority right now.

    10. I have kids and do not go to theme parks.

    11. I hate theme parks. I think the people who are really into going to Disney or wherever are the minority.

    12. My parents live near Disney World. I grew up going to the parks, and I definitely went as an adult without kids. At some point, DH and I bought 10-day non-expiring passes (which aren’t sold anymore) and, over several years, went to the parks once or twice each time we visited my parents. A couple of times, we timed a trip specifically for the Food and Wine Festival, and at least once, we went for holiday events or decorations. I don’t think it’s weird, but I also probably wouldn’t make frequent kid-less trips to Disney World if my parents didn’t live nearby.

    13. I went to a Six Flags on a date with a long term BF when I was in the 25-27 year old range and remember feeling on the older side. This was also around the age when I first began to notice that there were people out there younger than I was. I’m 42 now, and my kids are too young for anything but Sesame Place where you’re really not going to find adults without kids…

    14. I would like to but no one ever wants to go with me. I REALLY want to drink around the world at Disney.

        It’s odd that he’s surprised you haven’t been as an adult. Who does he go with? The last time I went to a theme park was with a BF, and before that it was with some friend while we were visiting LA. There’s a Six Flags not far from me but I’ve never been able to get anyone to go.

    15. One of our greatest trips as husband and wife was to Disney World together as grow ups. It was so fun! We called it out scouting trip…we went again with kids and loved it–but our fave trip was just us!

    16. I abhor lines and crowds. I’m not sure what about a theme park I would find at all appealing. I haven’t been to one in over a decade.

    17. For a weird, glorious time, just by living where I lived and knowing who I knew, I found myself pretty constantly able to access free or very cheap tickets to Disneyland. I have such happy memories of a summer evening — I must’ve been 21? — when my mom and brothers and I went for just a few hours and rode rides and laughed ourselves sick. I’m a little sad that my husband is anti-Disney. I mean, I get it — he’s not particularly whimsical — but it can be such a fun place. But it’ll be a fun place my daughter and I share, I guess.

    18. Generally no because I hate lines and crowds.

        But once some years ago I went on the $350 VIP tour at Universal Studios and it was fabulous.

    19. No. Not my thing at all. Haven’t gone since I was a kid and would avoid it with kids now (even as the fun aunt). Not judging , just replying to your poll :)

13. How do you handle being friends with people who make drastically different salaries than you do? I make anywhere from half or 1/3 or even less than any of my friends do, due to a lot of sh*tty luck in my career and a lot of setbacks. I hate always having to decline plans because I can’t afford it or it’s not in my budget…I always end up feeling like the cheapskate, poor friend if I suggest something more budget-friendly.

    Any advice?

    1. Keep on keeping on! I wouldn’t want to uninvite people b/c they declined before or not mentally keep on my “include on the invite” list. And fun and less spendy aren’t exclusive. Don’t feel bad! I often decline b/c of schedule/travel/work (and now kids) but I will want to be invited for when I can come.

       FWIW, I was the poor friend when I was in school but my friends were working. I was poor-ish for a while later b/c of loans. I knew where $1 beers were all over my city (and that Morton’s had steak sandwich appetizers on off-night weeknights in my work building). I totally get it.

       Your friends are your friends. They like you for you.

    2. I’m on the opposite end of your situation, where I have a couple friends who make literally half what I do and are way underpaid in our HCOL area. I don’t care what they make and never feel like they’re a “cheapskate” if they suggest something cheap – I like cheap things too! I do try to be conscious of what plans I suggest to them, or at least mix things up, e.g., $15 wine flights one night but $5 tacos the next. In general, though, I offer plans I think would be fun regardless of price because I don’t want to presume to know how they spend/want to spend their money, and if they decline or come out and say it’s too expensive, I ask what appeals to them instead and offer to do that. I’m there to spend time with them, not to spend money.

       1. Yes, I make 2-3x what many of my friends make, and I am always always fine with doing cheaper stuff. The only thing I don’t want to do is eat dinner at a dive bar… I have that one friend who always wants to grab dinner at some crappy Irish pub. But I am totally up for $5 tacos or eating a picnic or cooking food at one of our places.

    3. Don’t worry too much about it. Like you, I make less than some of my closest friends. However, like Anonymous and jwalk said above, I’ve found that my friends really just want to spend time with me, even if that means staying in, ordering or making food, and binging something on Netflix. A fun time is a fun time whether its spendy or inexpensive. They’re your friends; they know life happens.

    4. You may have to always decline their spendy suggestions, but you can also be proactive about countering with cheap suggestions. Invite everyone over for a movie night, for example. Invite people out for dinner and suggest an inexpensive restaurant in the invitation. Lots of inexpensive places are really good, or may have BYO policies with low or no corking fees.

    5. I think you can always suggest less expensive solutions and I’m happy to cook in/BYOB/picnic. It would only annoy me if you suggested /alternate/ plans for cost reasons after I invited several people to restaurant X or concert Y. But so long as you’re the proactive planner I’m fine with doing inexpensive things sometimes.

14. Is it okay to wear work pants that have belt buckles without a belt, when you are wearing a tucked-in shirt? I kind of always thought you needed a belt, but I usually see suits styled without belts, so am I making this up and/or beholden to patriarchal notion of what constitutes appropriate workwear? Can I be liberated of the belt??

    1. I think pants with belt loops look better worn with a belt. If you want to be liberated from the belt, just remove the belt loops.

    2. I vote yes. I never wear belts but I tuck shirts into pants with belt loops all the time.

    3. …And by belt buckles, I meant belt loops.

    4. Yes, definitely! I don’t think it looks odd at all without a belt. I assume a belt is there to hold up your pants, and sometimes for decoration, but I don’t notice it at all if there’s no belt.

    5. I’m the voice of dissent. I think it looks odd and empty without a belt with belt loops and a tucked in shirt. I’ll often wear shells or sweaters that aren’t tucked in sans belt though.

15. I might, just for the fun of it, if
    a) I lived near one
    b) it was a date,
    but
    a) I don’t
    b) neither I nor my fiance are really into theme parks.

    I would not travel to Anaheim or Orlando from my rural state just to have a day to myself at one. However, I had cousins who went to school in Anaheim and would just pop over to a local theme park after class to hang out with friends or as a very normal first date spot.

16. I’m comforter/duvet shopping, and I’m looking at light/medium/heavy weight comforters. How do I choose? I am definitely a cold person, but I don’t know if heavy weight will be too warm, since I live on the CA coast where it doesn’t get very cold (maybe a few weeks a year where nights are below freezing). Any anecdotal advice or suggestions are appreciated!

    1. Don’t get a comforter. Get a quilt. It’s perfect most of the time – warm in the winter and cool enough in the summer. If you want something really warm, get a down blanket. It will be too warm often but heavenly when you need it.

    2. I’m also interested in learning more about this topic. I am buying a larger bed and need all new bedding to accommodate the larger bed size. I just ordered a light weight duvet cover and a quilt, with the idea that the layers will bring more warmth during the winter nights in the Midwest.

    3. If you want to use it year round, get something that will work with the common range of temperatures. And then have an extra blanket for the extra cold days if you need it. I mean…the inside of your house doesn’t really get THAT much colder on the inside when it’s cold on the outside, right?

17. I’ll be in DC later this fall ladies-any great shopping recommendations? I have great picks picks from MM LaFleur and Cuyana from my last NYC trip so basically boutique shops we talk about here all the time but I can’t find in my smaller city.

18. How do you find a best/good friend?
    We (me and DH, no kids yet) recently moved to a new city (smaller town in the South) and while we have met many acquaintances and more casual friends I would really like to have a close girl friend.
    How did you meet your best friend later in life (post school and college)?

    1. Best/good – is a function of time. You have chemistry with someone right off the bat, but you get to a good/best friend status with the passage of time.

       Meeting people/becoming friends is about seeing the same people repeatedly with a mechanism that allows you to have interactions. Like: church, book club, friends of friends, clubs, sports teams, etc. If you have a hard time finding those things, create them – invite the same group of casual friend for a monthly craft night/Outlander watch party/museum outing/whatever.

    2. All of my current close friends are people I met randomly through other friends or work networking events or non-profits I’m involved with. When I clicked with someone, I would follow up and ask if they wanted to go get drinks or brunch or go to an event with me. And that’s how I’ve made friends. Of course, there are lots of times where I’ve done this and the other person is not really interested or things fizzle after a bit. I would encourage you to think of it as friend-dating!

    3. I think it’s really essential to power through the potentially awkward part, where you’re going on those friendship-date-things. Like, yes, for the first 8 times it’ll be like, “I’m just texting her to ask if she wants to get a coffee… again?” And most would-be friends, you or they don’t want to keep hanging out… And that’s ok! But then on one friend date you end up staying out way too late and eating a baguette at the bus stop speaking fake french to each other, and it’s like … <3_<3

    4. My husband had a colleague he met at a local bar association event. We went to a baseball game with him and his wife. His wife and I are like two peas in a pod. I don’t think my husband had historically spent so much time with his friend, but because the wife and I hit it off, we started hanging out as couples (and now as families) more. Their kids are within a year or two of mine, so it just works out really well, and they only live about a 10 minute drive from us. She and I have been mistaken for being sisters when we’re out and about – probably in part because the easy way we parent as a group when out and the kids respond well to whomever’s giving instructions, but it’s nice to have sort of local “family” that we wouldn’t otherwise have.

19. Apologies if we’ve had one of these recently – but any good books you’ve read recently? My favorites right now: I recently re-read Wild, and am halfway through Educated.

    1. Exit West. Loved it!

    2. All We Ever Wanted by Emily Giffin.

    3. The Nature Fix. Really engaging book on the science behind how much humans really do need trees/plants/air/sunshine for mental, emotional, and physical health.

    4. Just read The Shining. Highly recommend.

    5. Nightingale by Kristin Hannah was good – about two sisters in WWII and their very different roles in a resistance moving – there’s probably some trigger warnings in there for some graphic behavior and sexual violence.

       Moxie by Jennifer Mathieu was wonderful and YA.

    6. I just finished Circe and loooooooved it.

    7. I am currently reading the Annihilation trilogy, and it is totally engrossing and interesting.

20. Going on a one-night trip for work next week, taking Amtrak. My carry-on seems too big for this trip. What overnight bag should I use? Duffel, Le Pliage, something else?

21. Advice please.
    Last night DH went into work after dinner and came back suddenly to find me self-gardening. It started a huge fight. It began with DH raging about who am I talking to on the phone, or what am I watching. He jumped to the explanation that it was a cheating thing (video chat; I had my phone open and was watching something) as opposed to the simple true explanation of just self gardening with no other implications. When I clarified, he was still mad because he took it as a slight of his own abilities in the gardening area. I clarified again and he calmed down soon enough, completely apologized, talked himself down, even admitted that he had done the same in the past (self-gardening) and he was being hypocritical in not thinking it was ok for me to do it. He further apologized for even thinking it could be some type of unfaithfulness, and overall calmed down completely and even was able to laugh about it (and apologized multiple times).

    On the other hand, I was startled, then calmly answered but went in the other direction – sad and then furious by the end. It so happened DH discovered this via our nanny cam which had been temporarily in the bedroom (to test prior to setup in living room/external area) so I felt stupid to be caught, I felt guilty and ashamed and very, very angry to be spied on. To be clear the spying wasn’t intentional – the cam sends a message saying “you have activity” and he happened to click on the link to see if the trial setup was working. But that doesn’t change what happened after – not just shutting it off but rushing into the house and yelling and assuming things. There were also questions shouted like – how often do you do this? how can you do this to me? when was the last time? Was it that day you said you were not interested?
    I am red-hot thinking of those intrusive questions and that behavior – and madder still knowing it’s my own fault for being careless.
    If the situation had been reversed I would have shut the video off and pretended I never saw it. Or calmly talked about it – so what if we haven’t before. Why couldn’t he?

    Other Facts:
    – There is no history of unfaithfulness or really no discord at all, we get along really well usually but are inhibited about frankly discussing gardening videos or self-gardening, so this was just such a new and shocking thing for him to see – maybe it was due to assuming it wasn’t common among women.
    – A great husband otherwise – kind, gentle, caring, a good provider and an unstinting giver.
    – We were both raised in a conservative religious group, long abandoned, but old conditioning doesn’t go away.

    I think I need to be told that this is no big deal and that I should accept the apologies, stop being furious and upset.

    1. What you were doing was normal and his assumptions and accusations were not OK.

       It’s great that he apologized, it really is, but I’m not clear on what he apologized for. To me, it would not be enough that he apologized for, for example, yelling. Yelling is bad, but it’s not, to me, the thing about this incident that would be really upsetting. It would be important for me for him to say that he understands and accepts that he doesn’t control my body and I’m allowed to self garden if I want. He was 100% out of line to suggest otherwise and I would need to know that he understood why he was in the wrong and that his attitude would change going forward.

       1. Yes. Apologize for yelling. For caring at all.

       2. No it wasn’t a partial apology – it was heartfelt acknowledgement that he messed up (and listed the ways in which). I wasn’t listening too well as I was mad at the end, but yes I do recall it included the acknowledgement that it was ok to self garden.

    2. I think in the absence of other issues, you should give him a pass. He was wrong, he apologized and you should both move on. You should not feel guilty or bad about anything, including “being careless.” But if he moves on, so should you. Everyone is entitled to an irrational reaction once in a while assuming they recognize it as such and don’t make it a habit. If he continues to bring it up, makes any sort of negative comments about it, tries to make you feel bad in any way, you can reassess. And FWIW – I think that while your hypothetical reaction is the appropriate one I think it’s helped by the fact that male *that* is still much more accepted/viewed benevolently in our society and I think even the best intentioned partner can sometimes be caught off guard. Doesn’t excuse it but I think it gives context, particularly given your backgrounds. I’m sure you will (possibly) get some comments saying that he’s an unenlightened a$$hole but I generally think that while he was clearly wrong, this is a situation that you can get past and come out of better/stronger. It sounds like he is on the path.

       1. Thank you for this.

    3. ” …even admitted that he had done the same in the past (self-gardening) and he was being hypocritical in not thinking it was ok for me to do it”

       Gee, ya think!?!?

       Oh my god. There are so many problems here. And I say that without attempting to judge either of you (although I am side-eyeing him for his poor ability to manage his emotions), especially given religious conditioning.

       This isn’t no big deal. You should not simply accept the apologies. To be clear, you should accept it but not let it go– you two need to get to the root of the problems which include, in no particular order: conflict resolution methods (spying on you and then confronting you in a hostile manner and accusing you of cheating is no good), attempt to manipulate you, shame over self-gardening (neither of you should feel shame or shame each other), his ego and connecting your self-gardening to his perceived inadequacies (likely untrue and toxic for both of you), unrealistic understanding about basic human s#xuality, his apparent sense that he can veto what you do with your own body (no no no no no), his feeling that he’s being betrayed (“how can you do this to me?” Really? You’re not doing ANYTHING to him!!).

       It seems like this will be an issue you two can surmount, but you owe it to both of yourselves to develop a healthier perspective on this issue.

       1. +1. This is a great response.

       2. Thank you. How do I get to the root of those problems?
          For example, the gardening connection to perceived inadequacies. I mean, I said that it wasn’t related to any shortfall I felt – that’s just words, but is there any resource that says that even in a prolific garden there may be self gardening needs? I’m not even sure I 100% believe this as there are ebbs and flows

          What about unrealistic understanding of basic human se_uality? What/how do we understand this better?

          Conflict resolution – I think this was a special case that pushed all the emotional buttons, we usually resolve things in a reasonable way.

          1. Read Come As You Are. Is he meeting your needs? Masturbating is 100% normal in the best of sexual relationships

          2. Not the original anon, but I think “unrealistic understanding of basic human se_uality” refers back to your first question – understanding that in a prolific garden, there may OR may not be self-gardening needs – depends what you and your body figure out together. Everybody’s gardening is different and we are all very opinionated about it, so you may not find a resource that echoes your particular feelings on the subject, but it may be that you just like self-gardening and it’s part of your whole garden. Or not, in which case, don’t bother watering it. Ha.

    4. I think you should change the locks and flee.

       Are you listening to yourself at all? You should have been more careful?!??!!!!! What on earth? You were doing absolutely nothing wrong. He needs to keep apologizing.

    5. I don’t think the answer here is to accept and stop being furious and upset. I think the answer is to use this to learn how to start talking frankly and openly about gardening. You were both shocked, caught off guard, and angry. Talk about that: “hey…we’re not good about talking about this stuff. Can we start talking, now?”

       Signed, currently in a conservative religious group, and totally think gardening should be talked about.

    6. Uh, I’m not going to tell you this is no big deal. I’m with Torin — the yelling is bad but the proprietary attitude towards your body and the suspicion of infidelity and very big red flags to me.

       Given your backgrounds, I feel like a few sessions of couples therapy might not be the worst idea, to get you used to talking about this kind of thing.

    7. I think you should give him a pass. His reaction was not great but he was probably just stunned to find out you self-garden. A lot of men think women don’t. Honestly, I’d be pretty devastated if I walked in on my husband self-gardening and I 100% know he does it. But there’s a difference between knowing something in the abstract and witnessing it.

       1. Srsly? Why? That’s really bizarre and you should work on that.

    8. You didn’t self garden on the front porch. You self gardened IN YOUR BEDROOM. How is that careless? Stop with that. Everybody self gardens. Everybody.

       I’m so over the idea that marriage means somebody else has total dominion over you.

    9. I really disagree with the folks saying that you should just forgive and forget. He did something that deeply hurt you. You understandably have feelings about it. You are entitled to work through that hurt and anger and confusion however you need to — and he needs to be supportive. That’s part of being in a marriage; if you massively screw up, you don’t get to just say sorry – however sincerely – and leave your partner alone to deal with the fallout of your actions.

       I think you should give him a heads-up that you’re still processing what happened, otherwise he’ll think it’s 100% fine and he’ll be blindsided if you want to talk about it again. But that’s about all he is entitled to right now – he should be put on notice that this is going to be an ongoing discussion that will happen when you are ready to have it.

22. Depending on how he acts over the next few weeks, couples counseling might be a helpful tool.

    Definitely uncalled for, over the line reaction on his part, and if he demonstrates his understanding of that going forward, I would try to put it behind me. I would also have to work through my anger and frustration at this episode, because remembering those questions/accusations would burn me up, too. Putting it behind me would be something I would have to work on, and would only be effective if he showed real remorse/understanding here on out.

    I would also have another self-gardening session to work out my angst and give myself a positive memory of this time. You know, get back on the horse, so to speak.

    If you do want to talk to him about it again, I would straight up tell him this is something you are going to continue doing in the future, as a complement to couples gardening. You like it, it’s normal, it’s fun and that’s that. If he has a problem with that, I would find his reaction very telling. And that’s when I would push for couples counseling.

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