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Updated: Dec 7, 2021 333 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Beekman Pants

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A white woman (head and shoulders cropped out) wearing a black shirt and purple pants with black pumps

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

These slouchy trousers from Of Mercer seem like a delightful middle ground between tailored pants and the joggers that have been crucial to my WFH wardrobe. The elastic waistband says “I need to be comfortable,” while the suiting fabric says “I mean business.”

This azalea color is absolutely beautiful for winter, but if it’s not for you, the pants also come in midnight teal and black.

The pants are $175 at Of Mercer and come in sizes 00–20W.

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Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Potato

    My kitchen counter is overflowing with potatoes from the past few weeks’ CSA deliveries. None are the baking kind — it’s mostly little ones, both red and brown. Suggestions on how to use?

    • pugsnbourbon

      My answer would be roasted with lots of salt, butter and rosemary.
      Could you use them for latkes or are they too small to grate?

      • AZCPA

        The shredder blade in my food processor has been life changing for grating potatoes. No spud is too small now!

    • PolyD

      Potato salad? I like to boil small potatoes, dress them while warm with a dressing made of mayo, Dijon mustard, and lemon juice, then add thawed frozen green beans or peas (whatever I have in the freezer), and canned tuna or canned smoked trout. Sort of a half-ass salad Nicoise.

    • Anonymous

      Sheet pan with olive oil and sprinkle liberally with curry powder, then bake at 450 till done, flipping once. Sounds a little weird but it works and is really good with white fish.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Roast them for sure, in the way pugsnbourbon suggest. Keep checking and shaking the pan until they get crispy.

      One of my favorite meals is sheet pan roasted potatoes, carrots, broccoli and cauliflower slathered in Pinch of Yum’s Green Tahini recipe.

      Also good for small potatoes is pot roasts. I’m on a huge pot roast kick right now.

    • anon a mouse

      Time to try salt-roasted potatoes?

      Or, cube and fry with garlic and rosemary to make some great home fries.

    • Anon

      I just used four in some potatoes dauphinoise; you can kill two or three pan-frying for bratkartofflen; cube another three or four, toss with paprika and cumin seeds for roasting. You can also mash and use leftover mash for potato croquettes or other fritters. Those are in heavy rotation here. But also you can stick them in a cool basement or garage for storage and enjoy them in the spring. Store with an apple to prevent sprouts.

    • NYNY

      If you have several small potatoes that are roughly the same size, you can roast them whole on a foil-lined sheet pan, then smash them on the pan with a heavy skillet or mallet, dress them with butter or oil, herbs, and garlic, and roast again until crispy-edged.

    • Anon

      Roast them all for dinner tonight, either whole or in pieces. Whatever you don’t use for tonight’s meal will make excellent potato salad (my preference is Mayo and a bit of vinegar, lots of celery, and top with green onions) and cut up leftovers can be fried as a side dish to eggs in the morning or tomorrow’s dinner. Leftover cooked potatoes are also the perfect thing for hash.

  2. Anon

    Do you think it’s acceptable to give the same type of holiday gift to multiple family members? For example, giving everyone a somewhat universally useful gift like packing cubes, Stasher bags, a nice kitchen knife, etc. My family exchanges gifts across our extended family, so I am expected to bring gifts for my aunts/uncles and cousins. I see these family members once, maybe twice, a year. So I just don’t know them well enough to select gifts tailored to their unique interests, hobbies, or needs.

    This year I’m thinking of getting everyone a set of Stasher bags. Would this seem rude or inconsiderate to you? For what it’s worth, we all open gifts together on Christmas day, so everyone would know that they received the same gift.

    • Pompom

      Yes. I have done this myself, as have folks in my family. Position it like it’s your version of Oprah’s Favorite Things and enjoy the simplicity of it.

    • Anonymous

      Do it. Who cares if it’s not their favorite gift ever? Not every gift has to be 100% perfectly maximalized.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I would be delighted to receive stasher bags from a cousin I’m fond of but not particularly close to, and it wouldn’t but me in the slightest if everyone else got the same thing.

    • Anonymous

      Fwiw i tend to give the same gifts to several family members. For my aunt and uncle and married cousins the gifts are always things for the home- so they’ll both get a pretty cutting board or fancy candle or coffee table book. This year they’re both getting a set of fringed striped hand towels.
      So I think it’s fine to gift to people who are similarly situated/ have similar interests. I wouldn’t give hand towels to my 26 single year old male cousin or my 98 year old grandmother. Maybe you could sort of categorize by generation and buy several similar but not identical gifts?

      • Walnut

        I have a 26 year old brother. Please gift him some hand towels. He is literally using hand me downs from our mother that are older than he is.

        • pugsnbourbon

          I am 35 and recently noticed all my hand towels are shredding. Please gift me some hand towels lol.

    • Nina

      Oh yeah for extended family like that my family regularly gets the same fairly broad gift, something like Stasher bags.

    • Anon

      It’s fine if everyone who is present and getting the same gift opens them at the same time! It’s only awkward when people end up watching various people open a present containing the gift over and over.

    • Anon

      I think of it as “my family gift 2021” and I think it works well. Past gifts have included a set of packing cubes, a nifty kitchen gadget, a big bag of dog treats, homemade jam boxes, a snuggly throw blanket.

    • Ribena

      Yes! Everyone at my house on Christmas Day gets socks and some form of confectionary from me, as well as whatever their actual present is.

    • Anonymous

      My go to used to be buying everyone fun socks. People seemed happy with them.

      We now have a family tradition in our family wherein my husband starts the shopping season by that it would be fun and easy for me to knit things for each of his family members, then I tell him no I don’t have time for that.

      Then he suggests I “dig through the stash” and find completed things that need homes. I shoot that down too, as we have a toddler so I’m not in a season of life where I have the bandwidth to knit random giftables.

      Then my husband goes out and buys a bunch of gifts and we call it good.

      He’s very good at holiday gift buying and enjoys it. I’m good at randomly buying gifts for people (saw this and thought of you!) but the time sensitive mass acquisition operation stresses me out, so he handles it, I finance it, and everyone’s happy.

      If I were still in charge of gift buying I would shamelessly go back to getting everyone the same thing, slightly tailored for each of their interests (sister in law gets cat socks, father in law gets football socks, etc.)

    • LaurenB

      My sister is buying a bunch of us subscriptions to MasterClass (including me!). I bought the teens/young adult women the Birdie personal alarms. It’s fine.

  3. Anonymous

    I somehow have two unscheduled days at work this week. Long to-do list, but no Calls or meetings. Any tips for actually getting things done, vs. aimlessly plugging away, appreciated!

  4. Ellen

    Elizabeth, these trousers are perfect for work, because they combine the ability to look fashioneable with comfort, particularly for me and all of the other hivettes who’ve spent more time in the last year sitting at home bingeing shows on Netflix then walking or doing other excercises that would keep our bodies in better toned shape. Since most of my excess weight is in my tuchus, having a little more room there while keeping the legs slim is what I think these trousers will do for us. Thanks for showing them to us!

    I am hoping to be able to have the new guy I am seeing take me out to the 92nd Street Y where they are having a party in January. I told him about it and he is thinking about it. I am also hopeing we can do stuff on New Years Eve, as I refuse to go to another Matza Ball where the men just think we are desparate and demand that we do stuff for them. Besides, all of the other women there are 15 years younger then me, and the men just look to them even tho they are more choosey then me.

    What is the rest of the hive doing for New Years? Is there anything going on that we could do together? Otherwise, I’ll wind up watching Netflix with Myrna. TIA for your input! YAY!!

  5. Notinstafamous

    How do you know if something is worthwhile getting tailored when you don’t have a local seamster you trust?

    Situation: black tie wedding in the first week of January. I have a jumpsuit i bought at the beginning of covid that I forgot about because of (everything) and now I need an outfit for this event I have pulled it out.

    the issues: it’s strapless and I have a very small bust, so while it fits around the waist it gapes a bit where the designer thinks I should have more assets. I think this can be solved by either adding cups to the top or taking it in a bit, but I don’t know if that will solve issue #2 which is a bit of weird armpit fat roll over the top. I can live with issue #2 if I can fix #1.

    It’s also a little tight in the crotch area with the pants “smiling”. This isn’t super noticeable due to the design of the jumpsuit with a lot of visual interest elsewhere, but I don’t love it and if I’m getting all dressed up for a black tie event I want to look great. Is there anything that can be done? most of this issue is a bit of covid weight gain and generally having a fairly robust rear.

    If I can fix these issues, I love this jumpsuit. If I can’t, maybe I try to resell it – tags are still on it! Any suggestions?

    I will also be going with a small town random seamster because I am living with relatives with health issues 3+ hours away from the nearest big city until this wedding.

    • Anonymous

      I sew at a low level and do my own simple alterations. I’d personally take on the bust thing, because that sounds like a fairly simple matter of taking in seams — with careful pinning and try-ons, I could probably get a pretty good fit. A random small-town person would easily sew better than I do.

      The crotch thing sounds much harder, as pants are harder to fit in general, and this is an issue of not enough fabric in the right place. It sounds like an issue with the rise — which might even be its curve or cut, or maybe that in combination with the hip seams. This fix would be beyond my skill level.

      • Anonymous

        How do you pin your alterations yourself? I would like to sew some of my own dresses and maybe do some simple alterations on store-bought clothes, but I don’t know how I would be able to fit them without someone else to pin.

        • Anonymous

          Basically, I need the patience to do two or three try-ons with adjusting the seams until I get it right.
          While wearing the piece of clothing, I very roughly pin it with safety pins. Then take it off, turn it inside out, and pin it more precisely (still using safety pins or maybe switching to straight pins). Then try it on again and see how it fits. (Take off, adjust pins again as often as needed.) When I think I have the pins where it needs to be, I pin it very precisely to get ready for sewing, and sometimes use tailor’s chalk to mark a seam curve. If I’m feeling pretty confident, I sew it as a final seam. If not, I baste it. Then another try on. Sometimes I got it right, sometimes I need to take the seam out and adjust it again.

        • MagicUnicorn

          Not the poster above, but I initially take a wild guess at pinning (or basting, if the pins are too stabby to try on safely), try on, see how it works and analyze what adjustments might be needed and where, then take off and re-pin or re-baste and repeat as needed. Sometimes this works better if I try the thing on inside out so I can pin the darts the right direction without extra fabric bunching up on the inside.

        • Anon

          I do some of my own basic alterations and I often rely on the highly technical method of trying it on and using some old clips (I think these may have actually been from some helium balloons maybe?) and then a combination of straight and safety pins.

          If you have a dressmaker’s dummy, it’s much easier, but I have actually found that for my simple adjustments, putting it on inside out so I can see the seams and then clipping it with my clips so it fits the way I want, then safety pinning it and trying it on again if necessary, works surprisingly well.

        • Anonymous

          If you can, buy a dress model that is adjusted to your measurements so that you can pin the alterations, wash and repeat, baste, wash and repeat, sew. But this only works for shirts and dresses. I don’t of a similar thing for pants.

          • Anonymous

            Ha, no dress form is shaped anything like my body, even with adjustments.

        • Anon

          When I used to alter my clothes, I’d sometimes take well fitting clothing, turn it inside-out, trace the seam lines on the garment I was altering, pin it, and then try it on.

    • MND

      If you have a referral or someone in mind (or can find someone reliable from Yelp etc.), I’d take it in and see what they say. If you have to find someone first, I’d probably decide it’s not worth the effort.
      The top alterations sounds doable (as someone with a more ample downstairs than upstairs who often has to adjust the bigger top to match the bottom).

    • Cat

      Those alterations sound probably not worth the effort to me if you don’t even already have a go-to tailor (I have never heard the word seamster before!)… I’d see what a pair of Spanx can do to the hips and ask your local person what they think about the bust.

      • Anonymous

        + 1. I don’t think anything can be done about the smiling. If you have already tried it with Spanx and that did not work, I would move on.

      • anon a mouse

        It sounds like Teamster to me which cracked me up this morning.

        OP, adding cups is pretty easy. The pants part will be more difficult. Can you wear a smoothing undergarment like spanx?

        • Senior Attorney

          … I think it’s a great alternative to “seamstress,” which a lot of people have replaced with “sew-er,” which unfortunately is a homonym for… sewer.

          • Anonymous

            “Sewist” is the word, not “sewer.” But the term usually refers to someone who sews at home. For professional alterations, the term is and always has been “tailor.”

        • Anonymous

          Not trying to be snarky, but why? Is there something bad in the origin of the word seamstress? I also don’t love the word “seamstress” but am not sure why (and suspect internalized misogyny). I feel like we’re trying to make a new name for a longstanding profession, which happens to refer to women who are in this profession. I don’t think anyone is trying to get rid of the word “tailor”.

          • Senior Attorney

            I think tailors and seamstresses do the same work, so why wouldn’t we call them by the same name? Also I think calling people things like “waitress” or “actress” instead of “waiter” or “actor” tends to indicate that the default is male and the female version is “other” or “less than.” (Note it sometimes goes both ways, e.g. “male nurse,” which also makes me cringe.) See also, “stewardess” vs. “flight attendant.”

            I’m actually old enough to remember people being called things like “lady doctor” or “lady lawyer.” Again, the default was assumed to be male. Ugh.

          • Senior Attorney

            And finally, there’s just no reason for any occupational title to reveal the practitioner’s gender.

          • Senior Attorney

            Comment in mod, trying again: Finally, there’s no reason for any occupational title to reveal the practitioner’s g e n d e r (other than, perhaps, King or Queen and even then I’d love to see a g e n d e r neutral replacement!).

          • Anonymous

            I have never, ever heard of someone who sews professionally being called a seamstress. That’s a tailor, gender-neutral. A seamstress is your mom who sews your dresses and Halloween costumes at home.

          • Anonymous

            I also prefer genderless occupational names but are “sew-er” and “seamster” gender neutral? I thought they also only referred to women. (If they are gender neutral I withdraw my objection and heartily endorse “seamster”.) I don’t love the idea of suddenly making the male term, tailor, the default because it suggests that that seamstresses were a subsidiary, in some sense. Unfortunately, while I don’t love the current system I also don’t have a better alterative in mind.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds tricky and expensive to fix, and you may not like the results. I strongly recommend against adding cups if you have a small bust. I had this done with my wedding dress and still had to wear a br@ underneath because of the risk of flashing the congregation. The whole thing looked terrible and I hate my wedding pictures.

      Re. the bottom half of the jumpsuit, it’s usually much easier to take in something that’s a little big than to let something out even a tiny bit, unless you are talking about old-fashioned wool suiting with wide seam allowances made to be let out.

      All of the alterations you’re contemplating would cost $75 – $125 in my MCOL city. Just buy something new that’s closer to fitting and have minimal alterations done if necessary. There are quite a few formal dresses out there made of stretchy fabric that look nice and should be easier to fit. Strapless and other very structured styles will require the most alterations. IME dresses are also easier to fit than jumpsuits.

    • Anon

      The bust issue may be solvable with some bra inserts they used to call “chicken cutlets,” they’re silicone pads that can boost you a cup size (sometimes more). Looks like they’re widely available online.

      I tried on a pair of suit pants the other day that “smiled” at me thanks to a couple of lockdown pounds I am still carrying around; a pair of shaping shorts solved the problem.

      It’s up to you whether you feel like attending the event with the shapewear and the bra inserts will be comfortable enough. A few years back, I stopped buying (or keeping) clothes where to have them look good, I had to wear shapewear or a specialty bra or some other type of wardrobe engineering was required. My feeling is that if I’m going to the Oscars, I’ll engage with all the wardrobe superstructure I need to wear to look good on the red carpet. Otherwise, I’d rather be comfortable and wear clothes that I feel good in without the need for a bunch of extra accoutrements (or frantic gym visits leading up to the event).

    • Anon

      The top would likely be easy to take in but the smiling should be a dealbreaker.

    • Anon

      I think it will be very tricky to make the bottom work well and also not obvious that the top will fit properly. Together, probably $100-$200 – they’re basically taking apart the whole garment. I’d let it go and find something that fits and is comfortable.

    • anon

      I don’t think this is worth the effort. You might be able to fix the top by adding cups but that’s about it.

    • Anon

      It doesn’t fit, and it will cost $150-250 to make all those fixes (maybe more), I’d start over.

    • NotinstaFamous

      Thanks all, I will accept that I’m going to have to figure something else out!

      Re the seamster controversy… I have no idea, that’s what the last two people (unaffiliated) I’ve used for tailoring/alterations have referred to themselves as, so I started using it. I sort of assumed it was the gender neutral term but have to admit I have not given the matter a significant amount of thought or research. Maybe it’s a regional thing.

  6. Anonymous

    Re human ethnic mascots, are Greek ones now not OK? Think middle school “Spartan” in Greekish looking font with a guy with a helmet with bristles carrying a spear. Maybe we should just look to animals (foxes, etc)?

    • anon

      Because it might insult ancient Greeks who lived thousands of years ago? Please

      • Anon

        I love how if you’re Greek, you own COVID variants and a lot of math and philosophy and mythology. And yet the mascots aren’t Socrates or Pythagoras. Only guys with spikey helmets and spears.

    • Woof

      Spartan makes me think of minimal, as in spartan accommodations, or spartan food. It does not make me think of warriors. Any predator will do for the animals: hawks, lions, wolves, sharks, etc.

      • PolyD

        You obviously did not watch The 300…….

        THIS IS SPARTA!!!

        The many Greeks I know are not offended by Greek-themed mascots.

        • anonymous

          This is also true of Native people, by the polls (even with respect to the horrifying use of R*dsk*ns by an NFL team and many high schools across the country).

          But just because a group of people are “not offended” does not mean that the use of their culture for this trivial purpose is okay. In many cases (certainly true for Natives, and likely true for Greeks (Spartans, Trojans, etc.), Irish (Fighting Irish, Leprechauns, etc.), Nordic/Scandinavians (Swedes, Vikings, etc.), and various other groups (Cowboys, Pirates, etc.), the victimized groups in question have been effectively gas-lighted by the white supremacist, hetero-normative patriarchy that it becomes difficult to register proper offense. No people group should be a mascot.

          • Anon

            I think it’s absurd to say that Cowboys or Pirates are victimized groups entitled to the same protections as marginalized ethnicities. Spartans and Vikings is pretty silly too. I can more easily see dropping the mascot out of respect for people victimized BY Spartans and Vikings. Weren’t some of the first mascots the ones associated with the different legions of the Roman army?

          • Anonymous

            Sigh, do you really type such nonsense on a regular basis? CRT has taken the place of actually thinking.

          • Seventh Sister

            FWIW, my kids’ school changed its mascot from the Vikings to an imaginary animal at the request of parents/teachers who pointed out that white supremacists had co-opted terms like Viking and Nordic as a shorthand for terrible racist views. It got changed, and it’s fine.

            Honestly, I would love to change all mascot names a la The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt – The Jacksonville Hillarys, The Houston WNBAs, The Dallas Piano Lessons, The Tennessee Bath-Lovers, the Atlanta Vaccinators – stuff people really, truly hate. Or something just totally random and ridiculous – my friend’s kid went to a preschool where the mascot was the watermelon. I’d never thought of having a summer fruit as a mascot.

      • Anon

        My middle school teams were the Spartans. We had the image of a guy with a bristled helmet on our jerseys. No actual mascot/person dressed in a costume.

    • Anon

      Spartans would probably be proud to be mascots, and they weren’t an ethnicity anyway.

      Is someone trying to say it’s offensive to Helots? Or is somebody trying to revive the N*zi idea that Dorians were ethnically superior to other Greeks or something?

      • Anonymous

        In our area, we are taking down most human mascots since so many are patently offensive and anything ethnically-identified + war-like is getting a side-eye in the process. It isn’t a bad thing but I also can’t classify where do you draw the line. Vikings? Fishing Irish? Fighting Scots? Fighting Quakers? I just want the Hornets — clearly nasty pieces of work and pretty sure the hornets want it that way.

        • Anonymous

          At the other end of the spectrum, our high school changed its Confederate raider mascot to pirate raiders. Eyeroll. Who do they think they’re fooling?

        • friendly anon

          Hello from your friendly neighborhood Quaker. In my 45 years on earth, I have never heard another Quaker object to the Fighting Quakers team name. if it’s mentioned at all, it’s usually with a wry chuckle followed by a return to thoughtful silence.

          • Seventh Sister

            This is pretty much the reaction I got from every Scandinavian person I know about the Vikings mascot. But usually followed by a couple of sentences about why their particular country was better than the other countries (e.g. the Danes mumble, the Norwegians are weirdos, etc.).

          • Anonymous

            I know of no knickerbocker who takes offense to the name of our city’s basketball team.

    • Ellen

      These days, no human group is fair b/c there will always be some schmoe who says their use is racist, or some other moniker. Animal rights is the next dimension we will face. People will start to say that you should not use certain animals because of perceived slighting of those animals, or peoples that could be associated with such animals; i.e. polar bears may slur Aleutians, who live near them, or sharks, who are affiliated with dolphins, who are endangered. Your best bet is to use inanimate objects, such as diamonds, trees and bushes, unless you go galactic, and name your team in honor of other planets like from Star Trek.

    • Anonymous

      To be honest, I can’t imagine having the brainspace to care about this. It has been a hard year and it’s all I can do to keep my own life together, much less ponder the intricacies of what my fellow liberals want to cancel. I’m all for renaming obvious, horribly offensive mascots, but this one is really reaching and that’s when I stop having space to care.

    • Anon

      Is this an actual issue or are you just whipping people into a frenzy for no reason?

      • Monday

        I looked around online for some story on this issue and found nothing; I also asked for a link above and no response so far.

    • anon

      These discussions deserve a lot more nuance than “Humans not OK,” and “Animals OK.” The history and symbolism of the mascot matters. For example, LSU’s mascot is a tiger, specifically, Mike the Tiger. There’s a human who dresses up as a tiger, and there’s even a real tiger near the football field (who is rescued and lives in a very nice enclosure and is well taken care of by veterinary staff and has an amazing Instagram account). But, if we’re being real, LSU’s mascot is a tiger because in 1890, the school wanted to honor Confederate veterans from Louisiana who called themselves, or perhaps were called, the tigers because of their supposed battlefield ferocity. It’s fair and necessary to have nuanced conversations about what and who we’re honoring, and what that means, when we choose mascots. It doesn’t mean that every mascot depicting a person needs to be changed, or that a mascot with an animal symbol can’t possibly be racist.

      • anon

        Honestly I have more important things to think about than whether a tiger mascot might be racist because of a nickname from 130 years. Maybe others have a lot more time on their hands though

      • anon

        this is very interesting. thanks for adding such an important dimension to the conversation.

      • Anonymous

        I highly doubt that anyone who supports LSU knows that history. It’s important to uncover it for history’s sake, but I don’t think it would pass the smell test to say that the current mascot today is used as a racist rallying point and that everyone knows/appreciates the racist history. It can just be a tiger – symbols evolve over time. That example feels very, very different from the “Redskins” or other obviously offensive mascots.

        • Anon

          And a million other schools have Tigers as mascots, so it seems neutral as used (Princeton, Clemson).

          We have a local Raiders issue, so the successor to that really can’t be something like Spartans but could be something like Tigers. Patriots is maybe OK still (IDK really). I don’t know what the answer is but I don’t want to be doing this again in a couple of years. Do they even need a mascot? Can’t you also yell “Go Springfield Middle School” or “Springfield!”? And why are mascots always “Xes” and “Lady Xes”? The whole thing is annoying.

        • anon@11:12

          Some people who support LSU, including myself, know it. There have been petitions to change the mascot, which the university is not going to do. I personally don’t support a mascot change, and I don’t believe it’s a racist rallying cry today, and most people think of an actual tiger or a human dressed up as a tiger, not the Civil War. It’s absolutely different from “Redskins” or other obviously offensive mascots. There’s no context where it’s OK for a racial slur to be a team name. But it’s not that different from some other human mascots that are not obviously racist. My point is that symbols, whether it’s Tigers or Raiders, have the context assigned to them, and it’s not as simple as any human depictions is bad and animals are always neutral. People can learn about and appreciate the racist history of a symbol and still decide that now it’s just a tiger to them. But I also think these conversations are important because it’s emblematic of how pervasively White Southerners after the Civil War built public institutions around racist ideology. A tiger was never just a tiger.

          • Monday

            How ’bout them Tar Heels? There’s no authoritative story from the university, at least that I ever learned, explaining the team name. But everything I’ve ever heard related to confederate soldiers, which is probably why the school doesn’t have much to say about it. They do not have a great track record on these issues overall.

          • Anon

            In my experience, UNC talks proudly and frequently about the history of the Tar Heels; there are plaques about it all around campus. It’s also discussed on official webpages.

          • Monday

            I agree and have seen all of that, but do you see any clear explanation of what Tar Heel means historically–other than “resident of North Carolina” or “UNC student”?

    • Anon

      What about teams named after natural disasters (tornadoes, hurricanes) – kind of insensitive no? I kid, I kid. I’m in Louisiana and have been personally victimized by hurricanes, including currently having no roof and no ceiling at my house, and I’m a hurricane-school-mascot alumna and have no problem with it.

    • anon

      Hello from your neighborhood Greek! My dad was from actual Sparta and ever since the movie 300, when people ask where my parents are from, I am met with a booming, “THIS IS SPARTA!!!!”

      I do not take offense at Greek mascots (Spartans, Trojans, etc.) because at the end of the day, Greeks are still white Christian Europeans. I benefit from white supremacy in America even though I have a long and ethnic last name. Sure being a Greek immigrant was considered “other” and “not white” 100 years ago but that’s not the case today. Greeks also do not have a bloody history of being othered and hunted and decimated by the colonizing Americans like native people do.

      That being said, generally speaking, I think it’s a good idea to stay away from caricature-izing people over animals or make-believe things (like Billikens, devils, etc.) lest it veer into lampooning real people, which is pretty easy to do when you are talking about a costume.

    • Jeffiner

      My high school mascot is the Blue Devil, because years and years ago Duke University donated equipment and uniforms for our first football team and everything had Blue Devils splashed all over it. Being in the Bible Belt, there was always a discussion going around about changing the mascot to avoid glorifying Satan.

  7. Legal Anon -- salary negotiation

    I’m so excited about a potential new job. I think I’m going to negotiate for a higher salary (or at least try). But I’ve worked in law firms where I couldn’t/didn’t in the past and don’t really know how to negotiate. Where can I read up on salary negotiations? If I used a recruiter, do I negotiate with the recruiter, rather than the company?

    • Cat

      if you post your rough years of experience and location and type of employer, I bet you could get a lot of responses here. Like if you’re departing a firm as a midlevel associate in a HCOL (not VHCOL) I would expect you to land in the mid-100’s for large employers, plus bonuses and / or options depending on whether the company is private or public.

      Also if you’d lose out on a bonus from your firm, you can ask for a signing bonus to help, but I’d focus the negotiation on your base salary first – since it will be what all future raises are starting from.

    • No Face

      Robert Half makes a very detailed legal salary guide. I would pick a salary within the range for your experience, geographic market, and type of employer, and advocate for it when if the employer makes an offer.

  8. Interviewee

    Interviewing question – after meeting with the recruiter, I’m no longer interested in the role, but I already have an interview scheduled with the hiring manager today. Is it better to back out now? Or wait until after my interview with the hiring manager?

    • anon

      I’ve removed myself from consideration after an initial interview. My vote is have the interview bc you never know, and then if you still don’t want the job remove yourself from consideration after the interview.

      • Ellen

        This is smart. Dont burn your bridges. If need be, You can always say that you did not mesh with the second interviewer, but on the other hand, you could meet the interview and really hit it off. I would go on the interview. Who knows? Mabye you can find a guy is there who is eligible and wind up marrying him and living happily after!

    • Cat

      recruiters are sometimes bad at their jobs, so I would keep the initial interview for that reason.

      • Cornellian

        +1. But back out promptly after the first round with hiring manager if it doesn’t seem right.

    • Anon

      I would do the interview. I ended up doing some contract work for someone I interviewed with, where the job wasn’t at all right for me but he and I had a good rapport. I’ve also interviewed with people and then bowed out of the interview process for that job, but made a good enough impression on the hiring manager (or committee) that they contacted me about other opportunities later. IMO it’s always nice to meet new people; you never know where a good conversation will lead in the long run.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on the reason you’re no longer interested in the position. Is the salary range vastly below what you would accept? Is the position wildly different than as advertised, in a way that the recruiter would know (ie: the ad says we’re a satellite office of a large firm looking for more partners, but really they have no local attorneys yet and want someone to open the office).

      • MND

        Agree with this. Basically unless there’s something that the recruiter definitely knows that’s a dealbreaker for you, I’d keep the scheduled interview. Recruiters may not represent the company or position well, esp when many are very overworked right now, so I’d talk to the manager and make your decision then.

  9. Eyes

    Has anyone had any serious treatments done to reduce dark circles around the eyes (not puffiness and bags, but the circles themselves), and what was your experience like? I’ve had this issue all my life, but it seems much worse lately as I age. I’d be willing to spend some real money on it, if it’s something that would make a big difference.

    • Anon

      Not really solvable– the darkness is because your skin is more transparent there and it’s showing the underlying blood vessels.

    • anon a mouse

      The only people I know who have really solved this issue did so with fillers.

      • Anonymous

        I would not try this. There are so many “minor” cosmetic procedures that over time have shown themselves to have undesirable side effects.

        • Anon

          Can you please elaborate? I haven’t done any cosmetic procedures yet but I’m always debating lasers, Botox and fillers. Obviously any side effects concern me which is why I haven’t done them.

          • Anonymous

            I would research the likely and long term side effects of anything you are actually considering. As just one example, starting Botox too early can result in skin thinning, and constant use can weaken the muscles in your face. You do kind of need those muscles.

      • Anonymous

        Correct. The only procedure to solve this is fillers, which basically plump up your tear trough. That eliminates shadows.

    • Cat

      recruiters are sometimes bad at their jobs, so I would keep the initial interview for that reason.

    • Anon

      I think the first thing to do is to get a consultation with a board certified derm. The dark circles can be caused by a lot of things – vitamin deficiency, extra thin skin, lack of sleep, genetics, bone structure, etc. What I thought were dark circles from lack of sleep was actually a shadow created by a slight separation (natural due to aging and big cheeks) of the cheek fat from the underlying muscle. The related invasive resolutions I felt were too invasive so I’m relying on makeup magic to sort it out.

    • Sunshine71

      I’ve tried a bunch of OTC creams and discussed with my derm, who said there’s really nothing to be done excxept finding a good peach concealer. So I had a consultation with a cosmetic surgeon who recommends lower eyelid blepharoplasty, which would involve cutting under my eyelids, pulling the skin toward the outer corner, and removing the excess skin. He says this would fix the dark circles. I am not going forward with it at this time but will be keeping it in mind. From what I’ve seen online, this helps with eyelid bags for sure but I’m not certain how great it would be for dark circles.
      It couldn’t hurt to do a consult with a cosmetic surgeon to see what options there might be for you.

    • Anon

      I got undereye filler from a plastic surgeon and am very pleased with the results. It’s super subtle, but a big difference to me. I feel confident with no undereye concealer now. It was painless, should last at least a year, and I will definitely get it again when needed.

  10. Anonymous

    I really hate white elephant/naughty Santa/yankee swaps where the gifts are useless and/or “funny” things. I don’t understand the appeal at all. Why can’t everyone bring something nice? Why is it funny to stick someone with a pair of old dirty shoes or similar? It’s so mean spirited!

    I’m apparently an outlier among my friend group. Usually we do a secret Santa but this year people have decided to do a white elephant with the specification that it MUST be something useless or funny, $50 budget. 1) As I said above, I really hate these things on principle. 2) I’m sure as hell not spending $50 on something useless. My friends are only having one holiday party this year so I don’t want to miss out on seeing everyone just because I hate this party idea. I’m torn between not going at all (because I think I’ll have a hard time being a good sport) or going, bringing a nice bottle of wine as my swap gift, and “forgetting” whatever useless nonsense is foisted on me at the home of the person who came up with this idea so they can dispose of it. Bah humbug, apparently.

    • Cb

      Ugh, I hate this. As if there isn’t enough waste in the world, we have to create more. I’d go, because you shouldn’t miss out on the fun, and maybe bring a nice bottle of wine with a cheesy fake label?

      • Anom

        Wasn’t the origin of the tradition to bring something you already own? As in the original theme was to *avoid* waste?

        • Cb

          Yeah, we did it as an office party once and it was great, I did a stack of books from my read pile wrapped up in ribbon, people bought plant cuttings, mixed CDs.

        • Anom

          Speaking of which, my favorite white elephant was bringing a funny holiday mug that was sitting in my parents’ attic for 10-20 years and filling it with Hershey kisses. But wine and consumables are usually a win.

        • InHouse Anon

          I always thought so, too! And then I showed up to one for my husband’s office a few years ago and we were the only ones who’d brought a “used” gift. I guess I missed the memo where white elephant exchanges require *new* useless crap.

      • Anon

        This! Make the core something nice, but have fun with it. These things really can be fun. A few ideas:
        Nice wine in a brown paper bag, with cheetos, pork rinds, moon pie, a silly koozie and maybe a couple of scratch-offs.

        Alternately, ratty old (but clean) socks, but stick a gift card (and maybe sneaker balls or some other inexpensive but useful thing) in them.

        Head to Goodwill and pick up a t-shirt/gear for whatever is a fairly universally reviled sportsball team in your city and have fun with that. Whoever receives it will know SOMEONE who actually likes the team and it’ll get some use/regifted.

    • Anonymous

      My go-to for white elephant exchanges is a variety pack of hot sauce. Sort of funny but not actually useless. It usually gets fought over.

    • Anonymous

      I get a bottle of liquor and or a large package of AA and AAA batteries and they always get stolen multiple times.

      • Ellen

        But the batteries can’t be old or dead. We had one of these exchanges a couple of years ago and the IT guy gave me a big package of AAA batteries, but they were all expired and were dead so I could not even use them. I bet he got them at a dollar store where they were old and fake! What a doosh!

    • Anon

      Preach. I hate spending money for the sake of spending money. If it’s not a necessary expense (bills, retirement, kid’s college fund, groceries), I only spend money on it if it makes me happy or is a charitable donation. Sorry I’m not buying crap I don’t want just because everyone else is.

      Maybe I’m cranky because it all adds up. $50 for a white elephant, $50 for office secret Santa, $50 for run club Yankee swap, $30 for the ugly sweaters we are supposed to wear, $15 for stupid holiday earrings… almost $200 down the drain to acquire crap I don’t want and give people stuff they don’t want.

      Or maybe I am cranky because it asks people with budgets – middle class, upper middle class but with student loans and mortgages and kids to put throguh college – to spend money very frivolously, as if we are rich or stupid.

      • anon

        Let me add Christmas jammies to this list. I had a bunch of family jams in my cart, all ready to go, then my senses finally kicked in and I canceled the purchase. That would’ve been $100 for what, exactly? A cute Instagram pic? Nah.

        • Anonymous

          Christmas jammies are the ultimate in acceptable purchases to me. That said, both my children and I will wear them all year round.

        • Anon

          Right, but when you set a limit, most people in the group will spend close to that. If the limit is $50, it’s unlikely anyone will show up with 1 scratch off ticket or something.

          • Anon

            Totally. My contribution to the office dirty Santa cost me $0, but it was stolen several times (local bean coffee that I had in the freezer – it wasn’t old, though & a scarf I made a while back to use up some extra yarn)

    • NYCer

      $50 budget is annoying for this type of gift. I would buy something that actually is useful, but is not generally a Christmas gift. Examples: 6 pack of paper towels or toilet paper, packages of AA or AAA batteries. You could include your nice bottle of wine with it too if you want.

      I agree, I hate these type of gift exchanges…

    • Bonnie Kate

      That’s a really weird requirement. If it was supposed to be useless or funny, $15 would be my max budget. $50 is absurd for a wasted gift. It seems like someone has something specific in mind that they wanted to do and then mandated the whole thing around it.

      If I was you I’d go but bring something useful that’s “fun” – like one of those doormats with a funny saying or similar. Something that’s kind of a weird gift but can still be used.

    • Cat

      I dislike “funny” or gag gifts on principle as others have said, and basically requiring everyone to spend $50 on garbage? Hard pass.

      I would be tempted to buy $50 worth of canned goods with the intent that they end up donated at the end…

    • Anonymous

      Oh, don’t even get me started. My SIL comes up with “fun” gift giving requirements each year, and each one is worse than the last. Last time we did elephants I bought really gross candy (cans of jelly “worms,” etc.), because at least that would get eaten. I also once did a bag of challenging snacks from my local Japanese grocer, like the dried fish train snacks. And a bag with challenging crisps flavors from the UK shop.

    • anon

      You can go and not participate, come on. This isn’t hard. I love stupid white elephant gift exchanges, although I agree that $50 is excessive. We did one this past weekend and there were people who didn’t bring a gift/participate and it was fine! No one cared!

      I made my gift silly and useful – a Snoop Dog cookbook and cannabis cookie cutters. It was stolen multiple times.

      • anon

        Someone put a giant bag of bird seed in a box, which no one stole but also is useless but also useful. There are numerous ways to do this without being completely wasteful or a grinch but you can, again, just not do it and stand back with your drink and roll your eyes at everyone having fun from a corner.

    • anon

      100% with you. Call me a Grinch or a grump or whatever, but I don’t find this fun or funny at all.

    • Anonymous

      You can make your nice gift funny and not useless.

      Get your nice bottle of wine, but put it in a basket with a pack of toilet paper with a big, red bow.
      Add a mask, some disinfectant or a canned meal of some kind, and label your basket “emergency covid kit”.

    • Anon

      We did a white elephant-ish thing where the gift could be nice or funny but not useless. The idea was that the next person to unwrap a gift could take a prior gift that was already opened or open a new gift. Nothing was used or useless. There were some hotly fought over gifts, the one I bought among them, which was a chrome cocktail shaker. We weren’t allowed to bring alcohol, but someone else contributed a set of mini-mixers (drink mixers like margarita base) and people loved that one too.

    • anon a mouse

      $50 is a really high limit, but my office does one in non-pandemic times and I unabashedly love it. This is the time to go to the clearance rack at HomeGoods or your local goodwill or an online estate sale. Some of the more popular gifts at ours over the years have included:
      – a ceramic planter that was literally a white elephant, with some succulents in it
      – a really large chia pet
      – a magic 8-ball
      – a large (maybe 20×30) painting that was clearly done in like the 1980s as a paint-by-numbers kit
      – one of those cross stitch kits that said something like Merry &%^S! Christmas
      – a sheet of custom stamps with our team photo on them (requires lead time but frameable or usable)

    • PLB

      This reminds me of the time I went to a Dirty Santa party and a person brought a whip from a sex shop as her contribution.

  11. Super anon - Chicago lawyer request?

    Super anon here – thank you so much for your comments and thoughts yesterday. I read every comment and return to my threads so they will help me for a long time to come.

    Now looking for a lawyer recommendation in the Chicago area – prefer a woman, prefer someone who is not personally aggressive but is aggressive in terms of protecting me in a post nup and whatever comes from the situation.

    Really appreciate any recommendations and your kind words.

      • Super anon

        Yes if you have any recommendations please let me know. I imagine lawyers who do post nups also deal with their enforcement including handling divorces. If you think I need two lawyers please expand on that so I can consider.

    • Charlotte

      Don’t rule out male lawyers, I couldn’t handle Bunny and Trey, but my divorce lawyer Harry was so great we ended up together.

      • Charlotte

        PS – sorry no Chicago recs, and maybe this is urban legend but I’ve heard it’s a good idea to do a lot of meetings with the “good lawyers” in town to create a conflict for your husband (no idea if that’s true, lawyers can weigh in). Alternatively, I’ve also known couples to have things go better by hiring a mediator and just working it out quickly. Good luck to you!

      • Super anon

        I’m not ruling it out just stating my preference. If a man is the best person for the job I would hire him. I don’t anticipate marrying my divorce lawyer but I’m also bi so that could happen no matter the gender of the lawyer, in case that comforts you.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know anyone in Chicago but recently spoke to Anjie Schutts, president of the Iowa Bar Association. She does family law exclusively and I bet she’d know someone of her caliber in Chicago.

    • Anon

      No recs, but I’m glad you’re assembling your “Team You”. You deserve people in your life who have your back, and I’m sorry your partner – the person who should have your back the most – doesn’t.

    • Chicago Lawyer

      I’m a lawyer in Chicago. Several of my former colleagues are at Griffith McCarthy & Rice. They are excellent. My firm does not handle family law matters, but frequently refer our clients there when the need arises.

    • Daffodil

      Not in Chicago, so no specific recommendations. I will chime in that you should feel comfortable with whomever you pick, even if you need to meet with a few lawyers first (separate from wanting to create any conflicts issues- which tbh, given the size of Chicago, may be difficult if you wanted to go that route- easier if you were in a small town).

      I greatly appreciated that my lawyer was super direct and honest with me about potential risks, and the different ways to proceed based on my risk tolerance. I think most lawyers in this area should be able to handle both a post nup and any subsequent divorce. Mine could have done both- but once we got the post nup signed, he advised that the divorce process was so straightforward that I could do it myself, which I did.

      One other note- when I was negotiating my post nup (after finding out about my ex’s affair), I had no hesitation in making him feel guilty to get the terms I wanted. Make sure to talk strategy with your lawyer on how to approach the whole process before it starts.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree it’s important to know your rights and have an idea of strategy before you start. In my case, I knew my then-husband really, really, REALLY wanted the house, and because it had belonged to me before marriage, the only way he was going to get it was if I agreed. That gave me a huge amount of leverage and I got a much more favorable settlement than I would have if I hadn’t known and exploited his key deal point.

    • Anonymous

      Just wanted to say I’m rooting for you. The next steps are probably going to feel big and scary at times like anything important does. But just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s what I tell myself whenever I’m facing something difficult and I’m always surprised with how much better I feel on the other side and that it often isn’t nearly as bad as I’ve anticipated. You are way stronger than you realize. Almost all of us are. I wish I had an attorney recommendation. My Chicago prenup attorney sucked and I wouldn’t recommend (I literally had to get a copy of our prenup from my husband’s attorney. Last name began with Dusi…). His attorney was great but was older than dirt at the time and doesn’t appear to be practicing anymore. Talk with the attorney before you tell your spouse so you can take any steps to prepare. I’m fresh from a surgery right now, or I’d be inviting you out for a drink. You can do this.

  12. Anon

    General financial help question. I (stupidly) have substantial credit card debt from years ago. After some big pay increases recently, I have more money to devote to paying it off. My question is about retirement. I do not have have much saved for retirement at all. Since I started this new job, I have been putting money towards my retirement. My employer does NOT have matching. The question is, is it better to put less towards retirement and pay off debt faster, or keep money going towards retirement and pay off debt more slowly? For transparency, I’m making 170k, currently putting 8% towards retirement, and live in a very HCOL area and am single. I’m 33 but spent years working abroad after college and then went to law school, so I’ve haven’t been working my “real” job for that long. Also, I know I am in a bad financial situation, so please be kind :)

    • Cat

      what’s the interest rate on your cc debt? typically it’s pretty high and so should be prioritized.

      • Ellen

        +1, particularly since your retirement is not being matched. Get rid of the debt now, and then, with your big raises and no debt, you will look a lot better creditwise, and be able to get a Co-Op apartment, and if you’re physically fit and attractive, a guy will also view you as a better investment than a flighty woman carrying a large debt (or a large tuchus — like me).

    • Anonymous

      The good news is you make a fortune of money and can and must do both. Figure out exactly how much debt you have. Divide it by 12. Then look at what you spend money on, and figure out how to stop. What if you didn’t travel at all this year? What if you didn’t buy any new clothes? What if you cut back to just Netflix? What if you never get takeout. Challenge yourself to continue putting 8% in retirement and to do the hard work of paying off your debt.

      • Anon

        +1
        Credit card debt is very, very expensive. I’ve been there before (most recently right after divorce) so my advice comes from experience. Stop spending on anything that isn’t a need and prioritize both retirement saving AND paying it off. If it would still take you a year or more, look into rolling some of it over onto a 0% interest card, and use the expiration date for the 0% as your deadline to pay it all off.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree with this. I think something has to give and that something should be discretionary spending, until the cc debt is paid off.

    • Anonymous

      If you are using tax sheltered retirement accounts, you are saving your tax rate on that money — I don’t recall the rates, but like 28 percent? I would max that out each year and then use any $$ left to start whittling down the debt.

    • Anon

      How long would it take you to pay off the CCs if you stopped funding retirement? If it’s a year or less, I would do it for sure. I would probably do it regardless.

      Assuming you don’t file for bankruptcy, you are better off paying off the CCs fast since they normally have a huge interest rate. The only reason to keep funding retirement before they are paid off, since you don’t have a company match, is if you might file for bankruptcy. The CCs would be discharged in bankruptcy (ie go away) when the retirement assets are protected (ie you get to keep them and they are not used to pay your creditors).

    • anon a mouse

      Depending on how much debt you have and how quickly you want to pay it off, this is a good case to do a balance transfer with a 0% rate for 12-18 months. (ONLY do this for the amount you are certain you can pay off in time otherwise you are on the hook for all the back interest at an exorbitant rate.)

      Figure out how much money you need to spend to pay it off in the amount of time you want, and adjust your spending and saving accordingly. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dropping your retirement down to 4% or 5% for a year if that’s enough to get you out from under the debt.

      • Anonymous

        This is misinformation I see repeated here a lot. Typically, teaser 0% rates on regular, non-retail credit cards are just that — they are 0% for a fixed period and then interest starts to accrue after the period ends. That is different for teaser rates offered by retailers to encourage a financed purchase (like an appliance or TV or furniture). Typically, those deals are for a fixed period and then, if you have not paid off the cost of the item at the end of the term, all of the back interest is charged as if you had financed at a very high rate from the beginning. Look at the deal you are being offered. They are substantially different and the first is, in my opinion, a very good option in your particular situation. There is a common trap in both instances, though, that you should definitely avoid. Often, the teaser rate applies only to balance transfers (or purchases or both) made within a particular window of time (or, in the retail version, a specific purchase from the store). If you then make any other charges to the card, you will be charged at a higher rate and your payments are then applied first to the lower rate items, so you end up paying the higher rate on the other purchases for a longer period of time. The best way to handle this is to carry only the 0% balance on the card and use another form of payment for other items — debit or a card you pay off each month.

    • Cara

      I’m in a similar position and I think that, even assuming you live by yourself in a 1 bedroom apartment in HCOL city like I do, you should be able to put 8% towards retirement and still pay down your debt substantively. I don’t know how much debt you have of course, but for example I save 15% for retirement + a little more in cash, and if all of that were going towards credit card debt it would be a decent amount.
      I recommend automating as much of it as possible. Especially since you got pay increases recently its not like you’re used to living on this money. You can often set up your pay check to automatically put a certain amount in checking vs savings account, and further autopay credit card bills off of that too.

    • Anonymous

      Both. 170k even single is enough where you should be making lifestyle changes to pay down the debt and save.

    • anon

      I know there is a huge school of thought on zero debt. I am coming at it from a different perspective. If you haven’t already and it is over 10k, I would consider rolling the credit card debt over into a loan with a much lower interest rate (assuming your credit/finances allow it). Then, do whatever it takes to not put any money on those credit cards again (e.g., people do actually freeze their cards in the freezer, unsave them from everything you buy online). You will make substantially more progress paying down the debt at 7% interest that 17% on most credit cards. I also have the perspective that there is no shame in credit card debt- especially when you are young and you don’t have a parental “loan” option when unexpected expenses come out. On retirement, the amount you are putting into your 401k would be taxed at 24% if you didn’t put it into a tax deferred account – so don’t feel guilty about saving for retirement, at the expense of debt.

  13. Work Holiday Gift Ideas?

    I’ve taken on a new role at work over the last year where I am supported by several people beyond my assistant. These people provide invaluable support but I don’t know their tastes or much about their lives outside of work the way I do my assistant’s — particularly because I’ve really only worked closely with them since we have been primarily remote, and getting off and on zooms doesn’t allow for the type of chit-chat we would have in “real life.” I’d like to get them each something nice for the holidays to express my sincere appreciation for all that they do, but don’t want to try to figure out what they like or do individual gifts. Ideas for something that’s at least a bit unique, doesn’t feel completely corporate, but isn’t so individual that I have only a 50/50 chance of them liking it, and will make them feel the love? Budget around $150 each, I think. TIA!

      • Cat

        +1

        There is no gift basket in the world that employees would prefer over the same amount in cash.

    • Anonymous

      It doesn’t sound like you need to buy these people a gift, but if you want to I would stick with a gift card— I think it will be most appreciated.

    • pugsnbourbon

      There are three staff members here who I don’t supervise but who have done a ton of work on my projects, and each of them are getting a gift card and a heartfelt note.

    • Anonymous

      If you don’t want to or can’t do a gift card, I’ve always liked consumables from my remote managers/peers. My peer from Chicago sent us all deep dish pizzas and cheesecake one year. I got sees candy from the west coast. That sort of thing.

  14. Anonymous

    I’ve always been a top performer and I have a new manager who I feel is trying to micromanage how I do my role for various reasons. I’ve smashed all my targets this year but then he picks on small things and now I feel a bit caught out on a mistake. I’ve missed an email a few months ago to contact a client about a service (I’m not a lawyer), it’s not a big deal and I’m happy to hold my hands up and apologise and fix it. I am super critical of myself and I will beat myself up about this when in reality I know it’s not a big deal and everyone makes mistakes. I do think he’ll bring it up later though, it’s almost like he has to always have something to pick on to feel like he’s involved. I’m looking for helpful ways to think in this kind of situation to not sweat the small stuff and be kind to myself? My own self doubt makes dealing with his micromanaging hard.

    • anon

      Everyone makes mistakes. If you have a solution to fix it and implement some check to try to stop it from happening again, that’s the best case scenario. You’re obviously good at your job so don’t let this doofus get you down. People miss stuff like this, especially when busy. Someone forgot to send me an email with changes to a document a couple weeks ago and when I chased it this morning they apologized and sent the document and it was COMPLETELY FINE. I do not even remotely think less of this person. Your boss is a jerk.

      • anon

        Also, keep reminding yourself that the micromanaging is about who your boss is NOT about who you are. You have objective evidence you are good at your job so when the self-doubt creeps in, go look at those numbers your crushed!

    • Anon

      I had a manager like this. I realized that she was someone who always needed to be right and always needed to feel like the smartest person in the room. My life became a lot easier once I accepted that this was her personality and it wasn’t about me or my performance.

      • Sunshine71

        This 100%. It’s an insecurity of the manager, not a reflection of your performance.

  15. Anonymous

    I absolutely love broccoli and broccolini. After a short lived whole30 stint and returning to my normal diet the last couple months, I’m starting to suspect they give me bad gas. I never noticed this before. This is gross, but has anyone tracked this type of thing? I have otherwise no know digestive or health issues so have never used a tracker

    • Anonymous

      Are broccoli and broccolini forbidden on Whole30? If so, what can you actually eat on Whole30? Broccoli and broccolini are about as unprocessed and low-carb as you can get.

      • Anonymous

        they are allowed but I found I usually eat it in pasta, or a side with other temporarily forbidden foods. So I ate less of it and now have noticed a change now that I’m done with the whole30

      • Anon

        They’re fine on whole 30, one of the few things you can eat. There’s so little that’s allowed, my guess is OP is noticing it more. And OP, yes, I always react to broccoli with bad gas.

    • Anon

      This is a known issue with cruciferous vegetables (it’s because they contain a sugar called raffinose, so it’s a little like a lactose intolerance but with raffinose instead of lactose). The same way people take the enzyme lactase to help with lactose intolerance, the enzyme alpha-galactosidase can help breakdown raffinose and prevent symptoms. So if you wanted, you could take Beano (or the equivalent) to prevent this. I don’t know why it seems to bother some people more than others though (since I think, unlike lactase, nobody’s body produces alpha-galactosidase to begin with), but taking the enzyme does work in my experience.

  16. Anonymous

    This is my first year as a partner, so I don’t have any W-2 income. Also my first year collecting receipts for business expenses. I don’t want to look like an idiot come tax time. Is there a list somewhere that tells me whether things like dry cleaning, new phone, lunches with friends who work at different firms are properly considered business expenses? My firm has given me zero guidance and I have a spare weekend coming up so thinking I’ll use the time to go through credit card statements.

    • Anonymous

      Congrats! I would suggest you get an accountant. If you ask around you will likely find someone your colleagues use who is familiar with law firm practices and can help with your quarterly withholding, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Piling on, is my cash gift to my assistant a write off? Is this why people buy those Visa cards?

      • AZCPA

        A cash gift from a partner/owner is compensation and must be included in the assistant’s W-2 if its from the business (e.g. eligible as a write off). A Visa card would be as well, though people tend to pretend otherwise.

        A personal gift isn’t deductible, but also doesn’t have to be included in compensation.

    • Anon

      Talk to your fellow partners and get recs for a tax person. This isn’t something you want to figure out alone for the first time.

    • AZCPA

      You need to talk to your firm. Many expenses, like meals to court new business or networking should be reimbursable. And if they are reimbursable, you cannot deduct them yourself. Make sure they have a written policy about what’s reimbursable and what you are a partner are expected to pay for yourself (again, you can’t deduct anything unless that’s in place, and needs to be part of your partner/operating agreement).

      Then, get yourself a tax pro stat, who can walk you through everything. They don’t think you are an idiot (if they do, they aren’t the right pro for you). You do not want to take this on yourself, unless you feel really comfortable with tax laws and regs (and even then a pro is generally best).

  17. Anon

    Has anyone here left New England or a similarly cold climate for somewhere warmer? I’ve lived in New England my entire life and am finding it increasingly hard to deal with winter. There’s less reliable snow here now with global warming so it’s often rainy and gray instead of snowy and pretty. Have wicked SAD and even with anti-depressants, light therapy, etc. I’m just miserable and low-energy for half the year. My parents and siblings live here as well, in addition to nieces and nephews. But I’m finding myself increasingly dreaming about moving to the St. Pete/Tampa area once kids are out of the house. Culture shock/politics and global warming might make it a bad idea so just looking to hear from others who have done the same or have plans to do so in the future.

      • Cat

        hahahah my thoughts exactly. I, along with thousands of others with, I’m sure, similar political views, can manage to live with seeing a few Trump flags still waving from boats in exchange for sitting by the pool in Naples in January… if you’re there without school kids and WFH or retired, it is very easy to avoid the a$$-backward policies.

    • Anon

      I live in a cold climate as well (Canada), and have also been increasingly sapped by dealing with winter. I keep saying I’m going to retire somewhere warm, but am very far away from that goal yet. I offer some commiseration to the most frustrating season of the year. And I would love to hear how people make this transition.

    • Anonymous

      We moved from New England to the SEUS partly because my husband hated the cold and dark. It’s awful here. It’s still cold and rainy and gray in the winter, but there’s nowhere within easy driving distance to go for winter sports. It still gets dark by 5:00 p.m. in the winter. And we have terrible mosquito issues from March through October, so it’s no fun to be outdoors. I would like to retire to the mountains in the west, where bugs are not quite so much of a problem and it actually snows.

      • Anon

        What part of the SEUS did you move to? Lived in NC for a bit and agree that winter is just as dreary there but no snow to make up for it.

      • Anonymous

        Yea. NC doesn’t solve rainy and dreary in winter, though. It’s still both of those things (though you get the random 70 degree day in December thrown in like this week). If you want reliably warm and not dark until 5:30 or 6, you’ve got to go to Florida. I’m in NC and I swear even the extra half hour of sunlight when I go to my parents’ house in GA for Christmas makes a difference (gets dark at 5:30 in GA vs 5 in NC). Tampa/St. Pete may not be as much of a culture shock as you think. I’d worry more about the impacts of global warming on Florida though (rising seas, increasingly strong hurricane seasons, etc). If you aren’t used to it, summer humidity is brutal. That’s why people do the snowbird thing and get the best of both.

      • Anon

        I used to live in NC and thought the winters were nice enough- I feel like it’s fairly sunny most of the time- but the summers are so long and miserable that I’m baffled by all the people who say they move there for the weather. You can barely go outside for half the year! I’d take winter any day, but I guess this comes down to your personal preference for winter cold vs. summer heat (or perfect weather + smoke/fires if you want to move to the west coast).

        • Anonymous

          It’s all preference. I’m from the south originally, lived up north for a while and couldn’t take the cold. Give me 90 degrees with humidity over sub-freezing temps any day. I will still do outside activities in summer, just not midday.

    • Tampa anon

      Do you want to move to the St. Pete/Tampa area? Or do you just want to leave dreary New England? I live in Tampa, and while it has become a “cool(er)” place to live, wages haven’t kept up with the rapidly increasing COL, our state’s politics are out of control (and getting increasingly Trumpian), and the year-round heat & humidity is horrible.

      • Anon

        I’ve spent February break in St. Pete for the past few years, so that is why the Tampa area has me interested. But I recognize that a week-long beach vacation is different than moving somewhere. Don’t want to move to the West coast (California feels too expensive/earthquakes/fires) and the Southwest/Texas don’t appeal to me either. I’m 38 so many working years ahead of me. It’s more I’m stuck on the idea of moving so far away from family but living here is crushing my mental health. Have three elementary/middle aged children and haven’t heard the best re: Florida schools so would probably be a 10-year plan.

        • Tampa anon

          February is when we have our best weather. Before you decide, visit for a week or two in August, when the heat is the absolute worst, there are daily downpours, the mosquitos eat you alive, and you have to worry about hurricanes. Bonus points if you visit during an election year.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – I have not lived there as an adult, so would probably feel a bit differently now, but I moved from the DC area to Sarasota at age 9 and spent my teen years there. I hated it and still think of it as where people go to die. It is 95 degrees with 90% humidity 9 months out of the year. February is one of the other 3 months. Visit at different times of year before you make the leap.

    • Anonymous

      You can certainly move if you think it would make you happier. Personally, I have more luck with planning fun stuff to do during winter, including skiing and winter hiking. I make winter a season to look forward to and it helps to “trick” my brain on the dull gray days. The mountains in New England still get reliable snow even if some of the cities don’t as much as they used to. I also love walking around touristy towns in New England during the off-season when it’s quiet and uncrowded (which you can do on a gray, sleety day as long as you dress appropriately).

    • anon

      I moved to that area from the NE for a few years bc of a job. Those years, unfortunately, coincided with the 2016 election. So that was hard.

      It was lovely to have the nice weather all year long. St. Pete is a little more red than Tampa. Tampa does not have easy access to beaches (30 min+ drive) if that is what appeals to you. People are really nice. It was a little disconcerting at first. LOL. There are a ton of transplants so you’ll inevitably meet people that are originally from your area.

      I ran into many more people down there that still say things that “we don’t say anymore”. Think, the R word. Misgendering. etc. Food is not as good, IMO. I did find a great place that is a 2nd location of a NE seafood place. It’s located in Siesta Key which is about 1.5 hrs away from Tampa.

      Beaches are insanely gorgeous. Way better than our NE beaches. Plus, the water is way warmer. Very easy JetBlue flights from Tampa to Boston. Tampa airport is super easy and quick.

      Re: homes… I’d stay away from anything close to a river/bay. They’re beautiful but when big storms come in, they are really hit. There is always the possibility of a sinkhole, as well. Florida was basically built on a swamp. Homes are generally really inexpensive compared to the NE. You get A LOT of bang for the buck.

        • Anon

          My parents moved to AZ to avoid income tax on their Social Security, and after two years sat down and figured out they were paying more yearly in fees and other assorted government-mandated costs than they had paid in income tax prior to moving. Money to run the government and provide services has to come from somewhere. The “no taxes” thing is a whitewash; states just make up for the lost income taxes in other ways.

          • Anon

            This. A friend moved to a lower tax county where she literally had to pay a fee for everything, right down to only being able to put out trash in bags sold by the county for $5 per bag.

          • Senior Attorney

            Many of these states make a big deal out of “ZERO state taxes,” but that’s only state income tax, which is a progressive tax whereby the rich would pay more. Instead they make it up in things like sales tax and administrative fees that are highly regressive and impact the poor much more than the rich. I think it stinks.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I hear you. I hate winter so, so much – it’s such a hassle with the clothes and boots and shoveling. I told my wife when we moved to Indy that this was as far north as I’m willing to go.
      There are plenty of other warm places besides St. Pete. On the MarketWatch website they have a fun little “where should I retire” tool that lets you plug in different priorities – might give you some new ideas.

    • Anon

      I grew up in Florida, lived in the Northeast for many years and relocated to that exact area several years ago because of similar reasons. Plus quality of life improvements. If you are super liberal, you may have a harder time politically here. But the city limits of Tampa and St Pete lean Democratic and currently have liberal mayors with moderate city council members. Local politics determine a lot more of my day to day life (except for kids in school) than state politics, Covid included. I think the move is worth it, but I’m independent politically and I have no need for cloudy days or two inches of snow. My mental health improved dramatically after moving here and I can actually afford a life without major trade offs.

    • Anon

      I moved to the SEUS (big city) for the lower COL primarily and secondarily the weather. Both have added a lot to my enjoyment of my spare time (in NYC suburbs, no $ or time to go out b/c I was always hustling 1.5 jobs or babysitting gigs or cater waiter gigs; here, I own a small house and have my own washer and dryer, which is life-changing).

    • Aunt Jamesina

      My mom and her husband manage this by renting somewhere warm for around six weeks in January and February each year. They didn’t want to be tied down to managing a property or having to go to the same spot every year, but enjoy the fact that they can ride out the worst of Chicago winter somewhere warm and feel refreshed.

      • Anon

        +1 We do this too now that we are empty nesters, as we have WFH jobs plus travel. It makes our winters shorter, adds travel fun and we like the variety. At least do this the first winter to get to know the location better.

        • Anon

          My husband and I plan to do this when our kid is out of the house, now that we have WFH jobs. If I can work from anywhere, I want to work someplace warm in the winter.

    • Anon

      I would check out Colorado, which gets a ton of sunshine and has pretty winters to boot.

    • Anonymous

      If you are thinking long term, I would check the climate reports on what the area will be like in twenty years.

    • Anon

      I thought Florida, specifically the Tallahassee area, was my forever city, but I’m not so sure. We have all the state government stupidity, of course, but also a local government who is beholden to developers and lobbyists. I’ve been watching our state and local government squander the one thing Florida really has going for it – it’s natural areas either for monetary or political gain and there’s been nothing really effective to counter it.
      Local governments in Florida are notoriously and historically corrupt. They are also insular. Keep that in mind if your livelihood involves starting or expanding a business in the state.
      No matter what the national media may say, Florida is not a swing state. There are pockets of progressive thought, but they aren’t enough to get action. Even in (on paper) blue Tallahassee, our local government says the right progressive things, but when it comes to taking action or spending money, they fall in line with their conservative neighbors and constituents.

    • Over winter

      I went to grad school in New England. I come from a country where there is no winter at all, we are on the Equator. After moving away from New England I have realised that SAD really affected my productivity, and general mental health negatively. You should move away because your life will improve

      • Anon

        If you are in Singapore, I am jealous! I love the warm 12 hour days all year around. I’d swap my pretty Australian city for Singapore and the food centres in a heartbeat.

  18. Anon

    Advice for dealing with a neighbor who thinks that my teens shouldn’t be walking my dog solo b/c when her dogs get out, my dog runs and pulls.

    • Anon

      Can your teens control your dog? If it’s not this neighbor, it could be any other dog on or off leash. I think your neighbor has a right to be concerned or at least may have a point even if you think her dog shouldn’t get out.

      • Anon

        I think that they do absent things like that. Which is the first problem in a year of having a dog.

        I can definitely walk with them when I’m home and practice more walking on trails where we see other dogs. But an unrestrained large dog is kind of a wild card. My kids are my size or larger, so they can be a bit more alpha but I don’t provide any size or strength advantage, just age and crankiness.

      • Anonymous

        Your neighbor’s dog roaming free is a problem, but if your kids can’t control your dog then they need to attend training classes with it and practice at home. My dog doesn’t pull when I walk her because I put her through endless loose-leash walking drills when we first got her. When my teen, who is almost as big as I am and probably stronger, is walking her and she sees another dog, she does pull, probably because she can sense that teen is scared.

        • Anon

          OP here again. Dog has some dog friends in the neighborhood that he and I see on our morning and other walks. I know that the kids often see these dogs (leashed, with owners) regularly when they walk the dog and dog is generally fine with them with his friends. Maybe the energy of another dog running loose is too much for the kids (possibly for me, depending on the dog). Dog has a dog friend that is some sort of large and very strong herding dog that pulls his very large adult man owner down the street every day and I’ve never thought anything but “It’s time to get Kira’s energy out by running around the tennis courts”).

          • Anonymous

            Sounds like Kira’s human needs to engage in some training too. A dog that pulls is dangerous for the dog and the human.

      • Anon

        Would a professional dog walker be better than a kid (large leashed dog vs unleashed dog running around)? Maybe she means no kid dog walkers?

      • Anon

        I agree with this. There are lots of things that can distract a dog and make them pull in a way that’s not safe for the dog or the teen, and anyone walking a dog needs to have control over said dog, even if something unexpected happens. I’m thinking unleashed dogs, a pedestrian surprises the dog from behind, a squirrel, a leashed dog that is barking like crazy. The neighbor also needs to keep her dog under control, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not dangerous for someone to be walking a dog that is pulling them around.

        Also, even if she is wrong, I wouldn’t want to put my dog into a situation that could get dangerous that keeps happening (if her dog gets out regularly), so I’d change routes or walk along with them until teen has enough confidence and training to keep the dog under control.

        For a specific training suggestion— My dog has some minor leash aggression, and I have trained her to “look at me” when I spot another dog coming along and reward her with high value treats when she’s successful. She will pretty reliably ignore any other dog now as long as there’s enough distance between them.

    • Anon

      Does your teen dog walker have control of your dog? That’s what matters. If not, the neighbor is right—dog needs to be under control, not on a leash with a human in tow. If the person walking the dog has control, teen is 100% fine. Consider requiring your teen to leave their phone at home when on dog walking duty. The siren call of the phone may be leading to inattentive dog walking, and that’s where things can get scary.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Is your neighbor’s dog running loose and your dog is on leash? If that’s the case she has no right to criticize your teen. SHE needs to control her dog!

      • Anon

        Agree with this. However, if you don’t have it already I’d recommend an Easy Walk harness or similar harness (so they can keep your dog on the sidewalk).

      • Anon

        This…. this is her problem if her dog is running loose at your dog. That said, I’d have your kids change their route if possible, because you don’t to chance them getting in the middle of a dogfight due to this at large dog, and also your neighbor sounds like an ass.

    • Cat

      I assume that neighbor’s dog is off-leash in neighbor’s own yard?

      If your dog is dragging your teens along (because although it’s on a leash, it’s stronger than they are) then teens are not actually in control of your dog…

      • Anon

        OP here — kiddo didn’t mention any of this, but my understanding from the neighbor is that a dog of hers got out and was running loose. It’s the sort of neighborhood where there aren’t front yards, just houses close to the street.

    • Anon

      A kid being dragged by the dog is a separate problem from controlling your dog when a dog off leash runs up to it and reacts in who knows what way. If kid can safely keep your dog walking or from at least not moving off the sidewalk, then this is not your problem to address, if not, you should work on that. Either way, the off leash dog is a problem. I love animals but have no issue kicking an off leash dog that runs up to me and my dog, especially an aggressive one and nothing an on leash does to the off leash dog is the owner’s fault to address.

    • Anonymous

      Tell your kids to get back to their math homework so they don’t have to go to State U, put on your earflap cap, and walk pandemic pup yourself.

      • Anon

        I’m so curious – did you post this just for the emotional satisfaction of getting to roast someone you don’t know? Because it certainly didn’t add anything substantive to the discussion.

        • Anonymous

          Because it sounds like the same poster who is constantly complaining about these things.

    • Anon

      “Keep your dogs fenced or leashed and we won’t have a problem”

      Repeat as necessary

      • Anon

        This.

        Yes, your kids should know what to do if they encounter any off leash dog – maybe that’s training for you, them, dog or all of the above. Dogs get out, and it’s not unexpected that they will run in to an off leash dogs during their walks. However, the actual issue here is neighbor needs to keep her own dog in her own yard. Repeat this phrase and let it be the end of it.

  19. Anon

    For BigLaw partners in MCOL cities, secretary gift amount? I’ve heard $250, $500, $1000. Secretary is awesome and I’m sure aware of the crazy associate bonuses and raises in the past year (and yet, I’d say she deserved all that and more). I’m sort of the new kid here, and a partner, but not a $$$ partner like the guy who gives a 4-figure amount.

      • Anon

        This is wild. That is more than my parents / sibling / spouse / children / nieces / nephews combined.

        [Not that I feel that a good assistant isn’t worth it, but why don’t firms pay xmas bonuses and instead leave it to whims and chat rooms to set what seems to be a significant portion of compensation?]

        • Cornellian

          It is not wild. If the assistant supports, say, 4 associates, one counsel and one partner, those folks have been bonused out literally 750K-1M in the last year. Them getting 3-6K total is nothing.

          Agree that it seems like firms should take over some of the bonus-ing, but that’s not the world we live in, and frankly I think only the lawyers being served know exactly how devoted their assistant is. There isn’t a clearcut “billable hours” metric for assistants.

          • Anon

            Wow — I can’t imagine bonus $ like that. I am just getting over having my 25% pay cut restored.

          • Cornellian

            @ Anon at 11:35, I don’t know if you’re the original anon or just another poster. If you’re someone else, check out https://www.biglawinvestor.com/biglaw-salary-scale/ I am not sure they’re adjusted for the most recent round of Davis Polk-initiated special bonuses. If you’re the original, I think it’s worth remembering that partners and business owners made a risk-reward calculation that assistants and support staff did not. I’d also see if you can ask other folks around the firm, because if your peers are giving 3K and you’re giving 500 that may affect service and extra help you get going forward.

      • Anon

        In a MCOL city? My instinct is that’s insane – but OP, you need to ask co-workers. This varies heavily by firm and even practice group. When I was still in biglaw in 2020, nonequity partners in my group typically gave $500; equity partners gave more (how much more depended on how much they were making since equity partner comp ranged from $750k to $10mm).

      • Simsi

        As a Sr. Associate in Atlanta ($190-210k) I gave my lead secretary $200-300 and other support staff $100-200. They also received $$$ from partners and other associates, as well as gifts throughout the year for special events.

    • Cornellian

      as a senior associate in NYC I wouldn’t have given less than 1000. I have a coule junior partner friends adn they seem to be giving between 1 and 5K. I know some of the senior partners were 5K plus… I probably wouldn’t go below 1000 as a partner, frankly, even in a MCOL area. But I guess maybe adjust for how leanly your firm staffs assistants, whether they do extra work, whether they do overtime, etc

      • NYCer

        Wow, this is high for my NYC firm. I don’t know anyone who is associate or counsel level giving $1000.

    • Anonymous

      Ask other partners in your office. This varies wildly from office to office. Don’t let people in NYC biglaw tell you that $1k is standard. Our associates (or partners for that matter) are not making anywhere close to $400k so no they’re not forking out a ton of cash to their secretaries.

      • Cornellian

        I agree with this, but if you’re in BigLaw I think coastal experience is still valid.

        FWIW after this thread I asked my junior partner friends in Austin and Houston Big Law (AMLAW 100, not 50) and got 750-2000 as their responses. I’m not sure if those cities are quite MCOL, but they’re certainly not NYC/SF.

        • Anon

          I was a junior partner in biglaw in Atlanta and my fellow junior partners were typically around 500. Not sure how much junior partners in Austin and Houston got paid, but at my Atlanta firm it wasn’t significantly more than our most senior associates. Only equity partners at my firm were close to or over 4 figures.

    • Anon

      Totally curious about the actual logistics of this. Do you write a personal check for $1000? Give some crisp hundred dollar bills in a holiday card? Venmo?

      • Cornellian

        The discussion above about cash comp from a partner being reportable made me think about this. I was never an equity owner, but I just gave cash in a holiday card (sometimes with a little gift) to make it easiest. I’m now wondering if that was permitted, ha.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      In NYC, we each give $1500 to our secretary – so she (usually a she) gets $4500 from the three of us for each assistant.

  20. Anon

    How would you strategize this? I am the lead for two massive projects at work. Usually someone at my level would be lead for only one moderate-sized project, but many senior-level people have retired or left. Both my projects have key events around the same dates, in different parts of the country, that I’ve been planning for months. I’ve raised the conflict previously and management did nothing. The dates are getting closer and I’m meeting with management again to address it. These are the confounding issues, besides the obvious time and location conflict: (1) These are two massive projects that I don’t have the training, resources, or mentorship to lead at this stage in my career. In our previous convo, I was unsuccessful in persuading management that they need to staff another senior person on one of these projects. I have a golden reputation, and they brush aside my legitimate concerns that I don’t have sufficient experience. (2) I’m actively looking for another job for many reasons, including the stress and anxiety of this job and its micromanagement. Management rarely gives any strategic direction or vision for these projects, yet micromanages routine things like scheduling phone calls. (3) The date of these events is around the time I’d announce I’m pregnant. Someone must replace me on one of the projects (either because I’ll find another job or I’ll go on maternity leave), and it would be best if they could join the team before this key upcoming event.

    That I’m pregnant or job-hunting is none of my management’s business. But it affects my motivation and willingness to kill myself to prepare for both events. I won’t get any kudos, bonus, acknowledge, promotion, etc. for these events, either, that only comes at the final completion of the projects. I don’t plan on being around then. I’m tempted to tell–not ask–management that they need to find another lead for one of these projects.

    • Anonymous

      “I am unable to lead both of these projects. I need either 1) a new employee assigned, 2) authorization to hire a temporary consultant for Event A, or 3) a major scale-down for Events A and B. I see you are available on Thursday at 11, and I would like to have a call with you about which option you want to choose.”

      At the meeting, outline that you are doing other people’s work, you need to not do ANY work other than focus on these, and that you tried to provide several options so the clients at the event will still be cared for as they expect. Only do this if you’re ready for discipline, or to be taken off a project.

      Also – there are ways to end micromanagement. If that’s the issue, then I suggest reading up on how to deal with that and stop it from happening. They are not going to make your life easier unless you stop them from making your life harder.

    • Anonymous

      What happens if you just start dropping the ball on one of them? May be against your nature, but will be necessary – either before you leave (for your sanity) or when you leave.

      As long as you keep delivering on both projects, there is no urgency for management to offload your work.

    • roxie

      Well, your pregnancy will eventually be management’s business, so depending on timing I’d probably use that as the trigger to change the accountability structure and get more support even if it was slightly earlier than I’d want to disclose.

      Like, sure, you shouldn’t have to tell them right now but would you rather be “right” or rather be happy?

  21. Anon

    You are being set up to fail. Responsibility without resources is a terrible situation, as is the micromanagement without strategic direction.

    Escalate to your one-over-one.

  22. Veronica Mars

    Do it. You have ample reason to refuse to do two conflicting events at the same time and since you’re already almost ready to quit, just do it. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Sometimes by being too good at something, it actually covers up the real business needs (like having two leads instead of one). Just be firm that you need a replacement and you can’t work on both. Say it, back it up, be firm. You got this.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, this is not how it works in real life. If management were going to cave and reassign one of the projects, they already would have. OP’s real options are to suck it up and do both projects or quit.

      • Veronica Mars

        She’s already ready to quit and has one foot out the door. She’s not trying to make nice anymore. Call out the problem and act on it. If she wanted to stay there, it would be a different situation. But her outcome is what’s best for the business.

  23. CMS

    In search of the best slip on elastic waist work pants. I’m a lawyer in a fairly casual office, but no leggings or yoga pants.

    • anon

      I posted about these awhile ago, but I found a Nine West pair at Kohl’s that are very comfy and pass for real pants.

    • Jules

      I feel like there was a thread on basically this question either yesterday or on one of the Friday posts. I believe it started when someone asked about green high-waisted work pants, and someone else responded with a link to some pants from NY & Co. (I remember this part because I clicked on the link out of curiosity and have already had to unsubscribe from all the NY & Co. emails that have been coming in.)

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