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Updated: Apr 5, 2021 285 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bergitte Blouse with Knit Combo

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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I’ve been watching a lot of Schitt’s Creek lately, and when I say that this blouse feels Moira Rose-inspired, I mean that in the best possible way. There’s something to be said for adding a little drama in your day-to-day life!

This knit turtleneck with sheer chiffon sleeves from Lafayette 148 New York brings the drama without going too far overboard. I would wear this tucked into a solid pencil skirt, and while it would be a shame to cover the sleeves, it would look great with a white blazer on top.

The blouse is $598 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS–XL.

Vince Camuto has a few more affordable options: regular sizes/long sleeves ($89), regular sizes/short sleeves ($59), and plus sizes ($99).

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Medical abortion

    I am about to undergo a medical abortion due to an unplanned pregnancy. Wondering if anyone here has had one and is willing to share their experience? I’m interested in how long it took and how painful it was, and what you did to mitigate this.

    Also, is there any way to pass this off as a very bad period? Due to Covid, I’m doing this at home and there will be people around with whom I’d rather not share what’s going on, but I imagine it will be evident that I’m in pain, bleeding, etc.

    Thank you.

    • Anon

      IIRC, it is the same procedure as for a D&C for a missed miscarriage. I have had two of those. One I needed the heavy painkillers for. With the other, I was further along but was fine after (my regular periods were much worse). YMMV. Advil is your friend. I had both in an outpatient surgery center at a hospital and had to be there shockingly early in the morning. I think it didn’t take long, but there is a lot of going over of forms (what is your name and birthday, what are you here for, etc.). And you have to recover and wake up (I had a huge gush of blood sitting up the first time). IIRC I had to have someone there to drive me home.

      • Medical Abortion

        Sorry, I think perhaps I wasn’t clear. By medical abortion, I mean I’m taking pills rather than having a surgical procedure. Thank you for sharing, though!

      • Anonymous

        She specifically said medical abortion so no it is not at all the same as a D&C.

        • Anon

          I guess this medicated (i.e., medicine-induced) procedure vs surgical procedure. I get how that is confusing — they both are medical in a way.

    • asdf

      I had the same procedure due to a miscarriage. They prescribed a Tylenol Codeine pain killer, which I was glad to have. My case may be different both because we’re different people and because of the different circumstances. The first 8 hours were ok, very little bleeding. In my memory, most of the bleeding took place between about hours 10 and 12, and it was intense and started very suddenly. I put a bucket in the tub so that I could put blood soaked clothes in them and deal with them later. It’s not the embryos (which are tiny) but the placenta, which makes most of the expelled matter. Not sure how far along you are but I miscarried twins at 8 weeks. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this.

    • AnonATL

      I know it’s not the same thing at all, and sorry you are going through this, but depends worked much better than pads for postpartum bleeding for me. They are better at not leaking if there is a lot of bleeding.
      If any friends ask and you feel comfortable, I’d definitely pass it off as a bad period. If anyone from work or more distant folks get nosey I would go with food poisoning. That shuts people up pretty quick.
      Sorry if this posts twice, my original comment disappeared.

      • Anon

        Note, the bad period excuse works better if you ever have bad periods. I never do myself. If my family saw me suffering severely with a period, it might raise concern and questions.

    • SuperAnon

      I had a medical abortion in 2013 for an unwanted pregnancy. I was able to go to the appointment alone and drive myself home. They gave me an exam and an ultrasound (they didn’t make me watch the screen or hear a heartbeat but I think that unfortunately depends on your state). You will likely have a short counseling session where they make sure you are doing it for the “right” reasons – I cried and they didn’t bat an eye about that, so don’t worry if you are emotional. I had to take the first pill in front of the doctor and they provided me with the second dose and a prescription for a painkiller which they instructed me to take together. I can’t remember how long it was between taking the two doses.

      A few hours after taking the pill at home, I started cramping. Nothing unbearable, but that could’ve been due to taking the painkiller at the same time. I would basically feel a cramp and then run to the bathroom knowing I’d have a gush. That went on for a few hours until I took a second dose of the painkiller and fell asleep. I woke up the next morning with no pain, but still heavy bleeding for a few more days.

      I think I told my roommate at the time that I was having some cysts removed and she didn’t question it. Buy the Always Infinity pads in the biggest size for the first few days because they are super thin and you can’t use tampons. Be prepared for a lot of bleeding for 2-3 days. And feel ZERO guilt about what you’re doing. I beat myself up for years but look back on it now and am so thankful I live in a place with easy access to this kind of medical care. I have an amazing life now that definitely would not look the same had I made a different choice then.

    • NW Islander

      I went through this years ago. Took the 2nd pill around 9PM, and cramps escalated quickly. The pain was unimaginably bad for about 12 hours, with a couple breaks in between. No way could I have passed it off as bad cramps. Sometimes the pain from the contractions was so bad that I couldn’t talk. All I could do was shake in a heap on the floor.

      My partner was a licensed paramedic, so he kept me hydrated, monitored my vitals, and patiently assured me while I was in the throes of delirium that I was not dying. We later got a good laugh that I apparently begged him to call my boss so I could provide instructions for my open projects so boss wouldn’t be completely lost after I “was gone.” By noon the next day I felt fine, just a normal period day and almost no memory of the worst parts of the prior night.

      I might be in the minority but Google and you will find other accounts almost exactly like mine. Be prepared for an experience similar to childbirth just in case, but not lasting more than 12-16 hours.

    • anita

      Even at home and around family, it sounds like you could pass this off either as bad periods or a severe migraine, if you do normally get either of those. Otherwise, yeah both of those would raise questions.

    • anonnnn

      The pain was fairly bad for me and I have a high pain threshold (did not take any pain killers after any of my multiple surgeries). My recollection is that after taking the pill around 6 pm, I was able to go to bed later that evening without much issue. I mostly sat on or near the toilet tbh (unfortunately, my medical didn’t work and I had to have the surgical procedure after my post-medical check-in). I am not sure I could have passed it off as a very bad period in my particular case, but if you want to pass it off as something, I would likely have been able to pass it off as being sick to my stomach and therefore needing to be in the bathroom for an extending amount of time.

    • Anonymous

      I am sure you have your reasons for wanting a medical abortion over an in-clinic abortion, but if you are worried about the lack of privacy at home, is an in-clinic abortion still possible at this point? Some prefer to have the control over the process and for it to essentially be over by the time you leave the clinic.

    • Medical Abortion

      Hi all, thank you so much for your responses. It sounds like there is a wide variety of experiences in terms of duration and pain; hopefully mine will not be as intense as some of you unfortunately experienced. I will be about 8 weeks along at the time.

      I’m unable to have an in-office procedure because we are still being very Covid-cautious and I could not explain being out of the house for several hours.

      • Anon

        It seems like being out of the house might actually be easier to explain – emergency dental appointment for a bad toothache might work?

        • Anon

          I would suggest gall bladder pain or gall bladder attack. That combined with saying you’re having a bad period might work.

          • Anon

            Should have explained more on the gall bladder. It has pain and some may have bathroom-type symptoms. You can explain that you called the doctor and they said it should stop in 24-48 hours, if they press. If you do end up having to go to the ER, most ERs won’t let visitors in because of covid so if you do need treatment, just keep family out by saying you need to go in alone to reduce covid risk (which is true).

      • Elle

        I had one a few years ago when I was also about 8 weeks. Similar to a few others, I had a ultra sound and counseling, then took my first pill in front of the doctor. The next day I took my second pill set of pills (they’ll probably tell you to take Advil in advance). You put them in your cheeks and let them dissolve. Almost exactly an hour later I started having intense cramping and vomiting. My vomiting lasted maybe 20 min and the cramping was intense for about an hour. After that it was just a normal heavy period for several days.

        I would say also prepare to bring headphones and blast your music as loud as you need if you have to walk by protesters.

      • Anon

        I’ve had 2 D&Cs, 1 for miscarriage, 1 for abortion. Both of them had bleeding approximate to my period and little pain other than during the procedure itself, which is quicker than you expect. I did take codeine for the 2nd procedure, which helped a lot. If you have to go to the doctor either way, and are concerned about explaining a lot of bleeding at home, a second look at a D&C may be worthwhile. Either way I support you and wish you the best.

      • Anon

        I did this twice for miscarriages that occurred at 6 weeks. I’m not sure what meds you are getting, but I took misoprostol at home. I was allowed to take them whenever so I opted for a Friday/Saturday since my doctor told me I would start to feel the effects 12 hours after and then I figured I could just rest at home on the weekend. I really only had heavy bleeding and some cramping for like an hour or two but overall don’t recall it being that bad (I never had bad cramping for periods either so not sure if this factored in). Like I don’t even recall needing to take advil for the pain or anything. Then I had residual bleeding after that for the next couple days. I would recommend you order a heating pad and putting that on your tummy to help with any pain (I think that’s what really helped me) and just watch tv in your room. I’m sure it will depend on how developed the embryo is in terms of the amount of blood and pain. I hope it won’t be that painful for you.

    • Anon

      Alternately, tell your family that you are pregnant. (FYI, the people who live with you probably already know or suspect.) Reach out for support and be open to the idea that their support may lead you down a different path.

        • anon

          I’m sure your family doesn’t know. You don’t need to share anything with anyone, nor do you need to consider other paths. Good luck to you — hope everything goes smoothly and that the recovery is quick.

          • Anon

            Good luck. I hope it goes without a lot of pain. Echoing that you don’t have to listen to the poster who says you should out the situation to your family.

      • Anon

        If this were me writing the comment, I would be referring to my small children.

        On the side of caution, though, OP, I do hope that you are in a safe situation where you have a friend you can tell what is going on, preferably in advance so they can be ready for a call, on in case something goes awry and you need emergency medical attention. It was hard to tell from your post if that was the case.

        Hoping this goes well for you. I’ll be thinking of you.

      • LaurenB

        Take your “different path” elsewhere. The OP knows what is best for her particular life situation.

        Btw, while I have no personal advice to offer on this topic, I am so glad to see that kind people are offering practical advice and solutions for the OP.

    • Davis

      Sending you internet hugs and good wishes for a smooth procedure and recovery. I went to visit with a friend after her medical abortion to bring dinner and magazines. She was feeling crampy, but wasn’t in too much pain. I hope that for you and wish we could drop off a meal and something pleasantly distracting.

  2. anon

    My husband snores so I’ve started wearing earplugs. But now, my inner ears are very irritated so it’s clear I can’t keep using them. I’ve been using cheap ones you get from the drugstore. I know some of you may wear earplugs nightly, so can you recommend a type that has let you avoid the irritation? I’ve been sleeping so much better with them, I hate to give them up!

    • anon

      I would go to the source and either get him a CPAP or a sleep retainer type thing (which is what I have). That will kill two birds with one stone – he’ll stop snoring which will make you both sleep better.

      • Anonymous

        My husband going on CPAP dramatically changed my life for the better. I didn’t realize how badly I was sleeping before.

        • Anon

          Same experience. My husband didn’t even snore very loudly or wake me up that I remember, but apparently his sleeping poorly was making me sleep poorly. We both feel so much more rested now that he has a CPAP.

    • Anon

      I got an ear infection from constant ear plugs. We now sleep in separate rooms, and our relationship is much better.

      • Saguaro

        Same. After I got a double ear infection which turned into a sinus infection, I stopped using them. I hated to stop because they really blocked the noise and I slept so much better. I put my foot down that my husband had to get and use a CPAP.

      • Anonymous

        You need to change them frequently and not stick with the same ones all the time. I’m sure you were doing that but just in case the OP doesn’t know…

      • Anonymous

        This is terrible advice. See a sleep specialist. Snoring can be caused by a lot of different things and there is a difference between snoring and sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is no joke and can lead to horrible things, from diabetes to heart problems to liver problems. There is obstructive sleep apnea from relaxed throat muscles and central sleep apnea, which occurs when your brain doesn’t send proper signals to the muscles that control breathing. No amount of book reading is going to fix central sleep apnea. Just like no amount of book reading is going to change a deviated septum or an airway that has gotten narrower with age. A sleep specialist will determine if there is apnea, and which treatments are best for the type of apnea (often will be a mouthguard or CPAP machine). Weight loss can help some people as well but it’s not a magic cure and very much depends if it’s obstructive vs. central sleep apnea. People need to treat this with the same seriousness of any other potential medical issue.

    • Shelle

      We use a white noise machine… but also we tend to sleep in other rooms. But having said that, have you tried getting custom ear plugs made?

    • Anon

      We sleep in separate rooms. Neither of us snores much, but we’re both very light, restless sleepers and constantly wake each other up. I also have a giant air purifier which helps my allergies and asthma (often bad at night) and acts as a white noise machine. Earplugs always end up making my ears itch or feel stuffed up and make my jaw hurt, so I only use them occasionally.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve slept with earplugs for approximately 20 years, and they have been bothering me more lately for some reason. But I’ve never gotten an ear infection from them. Try Mack’s – they have several different styles. The smallest ones are marketed to women and are aggressively pink. (I can’t remember what they are called.)

    • Anon

      I am a very light sleeper and have started to wear sleep headphone (it’s like a old school headband but in stretchy light spandex type material with flat earphones that don’t go into your ears). I listen to either white noise or low sleep meditations until I fall asleep and can restart if I wake during the night. I found them on ama*on.

    • Anon

      The silicone ones sit on the outside of the ear, so they do not irritate the ear canal like the foam ones do. Much more comfortable for me, although slightly less effective.

    • Calrayo

      We usually sleep in separate rooms, but when we’re traveling I use ear plugs I got custom-fitted at an audiologist. They take a cast of your ear and make the ear plugs for you. It was maybe $150 or less? It’s worth looking into.

  3. Anon

    Grrr — I have given up on wearing blazers with anything with sleeves, but I hate sleeveless things.

    Does anyone have any good current offerings for short-sleeved dresses that could be worn under a jacket or blazer? Ideally something with a bit of an A-line for fit-and-flare — I just can’t think of a sheath as comfy after a year in pajamas. Return to work is looming and I have nothing to wear that is appropriate (athleisure is all too athletic/leisure; suits are a no until I have an external meeting that warrants it — 4Q21?).

  4. Anon

    Talk to me about coolers that would keep a lunch cold from 6am-lunchtime outside in the SEUS. I have tried kids’ insulated lunchboxes with the re-freezable ice packs, but my kids say that the cheese is always sweaty and nasty and with lunch meats that’s a health concern. I’ve seen construction workers with small Igloo coolers filled with ice — is that what I need??? Fortunately, our area has many outdoor all-day summer camps on offer, but they aren’t doing lunch due COVID concerns, so it is strictly BYO and no one needs food poisoning on top of the past year’s drama.

    We have a giant cooler for camping that is excellent, but I need one much-smaller daily driver for each kid.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Not really a direct answer, but in situations like these we opt for foods that aren’t as finicky about staying cold. PB&J (or sun butter & j), chickpea salads (no mayo), hummus with veggies and trail mix, etc.

      • Anon

        Ha! I’d love it if my kids at peanut butter, but I think that their day cares and schools were so allergy-averse (and they have had allergic kids in their classes), that my kids really never got exposed to it. Even in Reese’s they won’t touch it. Like we are not even 100% sure if they are peanut-allergic since they have never really consumed it.

        • MagicUnicorn

          Sun butter is a decent flavor substitute (although be warned that if you make PB cookies with it, they have an odd green tinge to them, which my kids find hilarious). That is the allergy-friendly alternate in our area.

    • Cat

      Even when lunch meat stays cool, a 6 or 7-hour old sandwich isn’t great. I would look into less apt-to-get-soggy lunches like bars (protein bars etc), hummus & veggies, trail mix, fruit, etc.

      • Anon

        Oh man, as an adult, I always end up hating life on days when I was too lazy to pack a real lunch and I find myself with a granola bar and trail mix. It’s always incredibly unsatisfying. I would just get a better lunchbox.

      • Anon

        Budgetbytes has a whole section of no reheat meal prep ideas that don’t involve sandwiches and are more well thought out/appetizing, like I think Cat was getting at.
        For the OP, while they are no reheat they are not necessarily no refrigeration, so I don’t know if they solve her problem other than maybe they don’t get as gross as a sandwich after several hours. The other issue would be if kids in general would eat the suggestions :)

    • Anon

      Igloo cooler.

      Freeze a water bottle (or Gatorade) the night before and add that to the cooler. Those little ice packs are not up to SEUS heat. Bonus: cool water for the kiddos at lunch time.

    • Anon

      Could you freeze the sandwich? I haven’t tried that before, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work.

      • Ribena

        I did this when I was a student – I would make a whole loaf of bread worth of sandwiches, freeze them, and put them in my backpack frozen at the start of the day. They weren’t *optimal* when I came to eat them, but they weren’t awful either. Brie and cranberry was pretty successful.

        Putting a frozen juicebox into the lunchbox also helps the whole thing stay cold.

  5. Anon

    I find it disgusting that some local parents are suing their school district for continuing to require masks at school when the governor lifted the state mandate and one of their arguments is citing Brown vs Board of Ed that forcing students (who don’t want to wear masks) to switch to virtual school is a form of “separate but equal” discrimination. The two situations are not even close to analogous

    • Anon

      I hope that lawyer has a big retainer (and that is what usually stops nonsense — everyone wants to sue, no one wants to pay for it). Not worried re the merits — I’m not a betting person and I’d put some $ down on the result here.

    • Anon

      That is disgusting. IMO, this pandemic has revealed a lot of people to be truly rotten to the core. I never realized how many among us were so stupid and selfish and arrogant. On the flipside, so many people have revealed themselves to be amazing and generous. I know who I want to be hanging out with once it’s safe, that’s for sure. You acted like there was no pandemic, BUH-BYE.

    • Anonymous

      So bonkers. Here in MA our kids went back to school this morning full time. I came back from the bus top and burst into tears (of relief). My kids were fully masked and couldn’t be happier to GTF out of the house and on the bus.

      Shame on them.

    • Seventh Sister

      That is so gross. My kids’ district is going way too slow in reopening in the name of “safety” and also due to “equity” because the school board and superintendent are all eyeing their next political positions and don’t want to offend the local party machine too much.

  6. Quince?

    Does anyone have experience with the website OneQuince? The prices seem too good to be true so I would love some first hand knowledge. Specifically looking at bedding. Thanks.

    • PrettyLawBelle

      I purchased a silk shirt dress from Quince and it is fabulous. No experience with bedding, though.

      • nona

        I’ve gotten the silk pillowcases and they’re nice. Washed them a few times and they’re holding up.

    • Xin

      No experience with the bedding, but I bought one of Quince’s cashmere sweaters and found it to be quite nice, making the price an excellent value. (The sweater is definitely at least as good at, maybe better than Uniqlo or most J.Crew cashmere, but more affordably priced.)

    • Jules

      I bought my SO a cashmere half-zip for Christmas; it’s very nice quality, particuarly for the price

  7. Anonymous

    Are there resources (books, articles, blogs, subreddits) geared toward men about fertility, TTC, and pregnancy? DH and I started to TTC a few months ago and I’m shocked how little he knows about this process. I don’t want to be his sex ed teacher, and even if I did, I think he’ll learn better if he can absorb the content at his own pace. He gets a little overwhelmed when I talk about tracking apps and ovulation tests and timing and. . . . I also think there’s something to be said for men hearing from other men about these things. Most people he knows had kids young (we’re late 30s) and if they had issues conceiving they didn’t talk about it. Most of the TTC communities I know if are heavily geared toward women. Is there an equivalent for men?

    • Anon

      I think It Starts With the Egg has a section on male fertility. Personally I’d just direct him to the books you read. I’ve found fertility/parenting stuff geared towards men to be a bit insulting, my husband was not a fan of it.

      • Anonymous

        Agree that a lot of the stuff I just bought What to Expect When You’re Expecting for DH. It had a first chapter with general info on getting pregnant. It’s not a perfect book but it’s a reasonable general intro to pregnancy and baby stuff and DH is smart enough to not take any one particular book as a ‘bible’ for everything.

        We avoid all the charting/temping stuff cause it stressed me out and used the EOD method which is as effective. And avoid the TTC message boards – those places are toxic AF. Check out C moms.

    • Curious

      I had my partner read chapter 6 of Taking Charge of your Fertility (which is where it explains charting and stuff). That helped us a lot.

        • Anon

          Oh FFS, it’s not the husband asking. People crowdsource all kinds of things here, including recommendations.

          • Anon

            lol defensive much? we’ve seen your dirty laundry, we know who y’all married.

          • Anon

            Nope, I’m not even married. I just find the judging of people who are and who dare ask a question to help their partner with something a bit much.

        • Anon

          Haha they truly are. Although I suspect there are a lot of self-sufficient husbands we just never hear about.

        • OP

          Do y’all really not share information in your marriage? I suppose I could just look up how to install a light fixture or change the oil in our cars or smoke the perfect pork belly or any of a zillion things he does to make our joint lives better. I’d be pretty upset if I wanted to learn something he knows about but he told me to figure it out on my own. We’re a partnership. Kind of the foundational concept of marriage but I suppose ymmv. I might not want to (continue to) be his sole source of information in this but I certainly want to help connect him with resources.

          • Anonymous

            Can you not understand that there is a difference btw OP looking for book recommendations vs wanting to be responsible for teaching him the content of the book?

            Ppl ask here for book recommendations for their mom, kid, sister, whomever all the time.

          • Anonymous

            Try reading the entire comment before you respond: “I might not want to (continue to) be his sole source of information in this but I certainly want to help connect him with resources.”

          • Anon

            They aren’t married or in relationships *with men who need us to mommy them. FTFY.

        • kitten

          I see where you’re coming from but out of 5 serious, live-in bf’s I’ve had, none have been competent at figuring these types of things out. I first tried ignoring and pretending I don’t know the answer, but it resulted in things like being late for everything, lots of wasted $, my furniture being put together incorrectly, ruined kitchen appliances, etc. I’ve come to terms with it and now only date guys who make a lot of money, figuring that if I’m going to have to do 99% of the emotional labor, at least I’ll be able to outsource everything.

          • Anonymous

            Life Pro Tip – the men are competent; they just don’t want to learn this stuff.

            (they have careers, yes? Educations? Friends? . . . they’re competent)

    • AnonMPH

      I asked my husband to read Expecting Better with me before we started trying so we could discuss, and I also asked him to read a chunk of Taking Charge of Your Fertility (didn’t expect him to read the many sections at the end on particular conditions I don’t have, menopause, etc).

      While I still am way more in the weeds on various reddit fora etc than he is, it’s helpful that he does in fact know what we’re working with.

      There’s also this great explainer ppt that someone on Reddit Trying for a Baby created for men TTC, I will try to find it and link it below.

  8. AT Rental Service

    Does anyone do the Ann Taylor clothing rental thing? I’m in the midst of a 1-2 size weight fluctuation due to a medical condition that will eventually be managed away (1ish years), but for the moment I need to prepare to return to the office in June-ish 3 days/ week. I’ve considered using this service rather than buying new clothes in this new, likely temporary, size. I know AT has never been fashion forward but neither am I? I’m a grey/black/navy sheath dress with a blazer and cardigan kind of gal who works in finance. My office is a business casual kind of office with the occasional need for formal so the general style gets the job done.

    Thoughts?

      • Anon

        Interesting. I’m the responder below and I found it weird that when I tried to check it out again the main Ann Taylor site didn’t mention it, which is not a good sign. I had to Google Ann Taylor rental to get to it.

        I’m always worried they will shut down Nuuly one day, I love it so much I would be so sad. Hopefully not!

    • Anon

      This might be old information and is not first hand knowledge, but the issue I have heard is my understanding is you build a virtual “closet” of things you would be happy getting, and when the time comes I believe you don’t get to pick the specific things they send you, they pick 3 things out of your closet and send those. Although it looks like they at least added a “prioritize” button. If this is still the case, it might be fine for your purposes, but I heard does make it a challenge to get a coordinated outfit, or an outfit for a specific occasion. It might be worth a try though. I do think clothing rental in general is awesome.

      I do the Urban/Anthro rental Nuuly and I love it – with them you choose every item for your box before it ships so you can tailor it to what you have coming up etc., but it’s not really the work clothes you are looking for (although I usually have at least a couple of tops in my Nuuly I can wear to work, also in finance).

    • Anon

      I had the Loft subscription, and got an email recently that they were ending it due to Covid. I’m guessing they stopped both services at the same time. I liked it though and would sign up again if they restart.

  9. Anonymous

    Haven’t had one, but I am a researcher with a lot of experience in the subject matter. You will be fine at home! You can keep this as private as you want, although of course you should make sure that you are familiar with the guidance for what to do in the very rare case of emergency. The hot water bottle may be helpful and the medical provider should be able to give better tips on what kind of painkillers are best. I believe most women I know who have had them have used ibuprofen, but check with your doctor. Good luck and feel better soon.

  10. Anon

    I need a new series. I never watched Lost the first time. If you did, does it hold up enough to be worth watching now (if it is streaming anywhere — maybe on Netflix?).

    • Veronica Mars

      If you’re prepared to bail after season 1 or 2, Lost is fine. Just know it’s a dead-end show with declining quality and a disappointing ending. I’ve been enjoying “Good Girls” on Netflix.

      • anon8

        That’s a good description of Lost. These are other shows I’ve enjoyed. These are all on Netflix except for ones noted otherwise

        Ozark
        Dead to Me
        The Witcher
        Big Little Lies (HBO)
        Mindhunter
        Warrior Nun
        Queen’s Gambit
        Cobra Kai
        Ted Lasso (Apple)
        The Orville (Hulu)
        Dexter (Showtime)
        True Blood (HBO – but not sure if it’s still on streaming)

        I re-watched Star Trek and am now onto TNG. I’m thinking of starting The X-Files again. We’re watching Baywatch, which is on Prime. It’s super cheesetastic but silly and not serious at all, which I need sometimes.

    • Cc

      Eh it’s hard to say since I found the ending so disappointing and it was like a cultural moment of disappointment . What type of genre do you like? Feel like I watched a lot of great tv the last two years. Off the top of my head some favorite series I watched this year: Justified, the Outsider, Perry Mason reboot, Altered Carbon Season 1 (season 2 is watchable but not as good), queens gambit,

      • Anon

        Justified is one of my all time favs. Other things I’ve liked recently that aren’t as well known are Rectify, The Magicians, and The Expanse.

    • Anon

      It’s on Hulu. My husband was just trying to convince me to watch it (he’s seen it, I haven’t), so I’m interested in this question too. If you haven’t seen it, I’ll put in a plug for Superstore- it’s a comedy, but hits on serious issues too. Just binged it all and loved it.

      • Anon

        Ah, thanks, I need a new show and I think Superstore would be perfect for me.

        OP, my husband and I LOVED Lost when it was first on. Hard to think if it would hold up watching it now. I think it’s worth a shot? We also super binged the original 24s, I wonder if those would hold up too? Those both were kind of before binging shows was a big thing and there weren’t as many options as there are now, which makes me wonder if both of those were just good relative to our other options.

        Also this conversation has reminded me of “This is 40” where the tween daughter is obsessed with watching Lost on her iPad, years after it was out, which for some reason is making me giggle.

        • Anon

          I’m loving Superstore, but also a little squicked out that three of the main female characters are pregnant in the first three seasons.

          • No Face

            I like that actually! If you have a large workplace, some of your employees will work while pregnant. Too many people were baffled by the fact that I was practicing law while pregnant and nursing. I had to claw back opportunities that were being handed to the white guys too many times.

            I liked Superstore and thought the ending worked well too.

      • RR

        Agreed re: Superstore. It’s fantastic.

        I watched all the seasons of Lost. It was an amazing show for the first couple seasons (although some of that was that it was so different for TV at the time–like watching a movie). It was okay to pretty good for the rest. The ending was seriously awful. I guess I’d say it’s worth watching, but it’s probably not something I would watch through again.

    • Anon

      On a scale of “Oh, it’s over…” to “What the f*ckwaffle just happened?” the ending of Lost was worse than the ending of The Sopranos, but better than the ending of Game of Thrones.

      You will be more upset if you’re an avid sci-fi fan than if you aren’t.

      • Anon

        I didn’t watch Lost but I loved the ending of the Sopranos, with my own theory about what it meant.

    • Anon

      Didn’t like Lost past the first season. My favorite series of all time (in case you missed them) are
      -Sex and the City
      – Six Feet Under
      – Parenthood
      – Gilmore Girls
      – Friday Night Lights
      – Game of Thrones
      – Insecure
      – Big Little Lies
      – the Undoing
      – the Watchmen

      • Anonymous

        I’ve been rewatching SATC and it’s so, so perfect for right now. I love that show and its focus on female friendship!

    • Senior Attorney

      My husband and I are super into Nordic detective dramas these days. Most recently we’ve enjoyed Wisting and The Sommerdahl Murders on Acorn TV, and my all-time favorite crazy detective/time travel series, Beforeigners on HBO Max.

    • Seventh Sister

      While I don’t know if Lost holds up, I am really, really enjoying Shtisel. It’s super slow, but if you like Austen-type stuff, it has a lot of the rhythms of that kind of narrative. Also subtitles make me stop playing with my phone, especially since I don’t speak any Hebrew at all and can understand only a little Yiddish.

    • Ness

      I did and now I would not recomend it to anyone (and I have the box set). But if you are looking for some kind of mistery like in Lost I would suggest “Dark”, is german, only 3 seasons and the end makes complete sense. I had to force me to go to sleep.
      Favorites of all time: Six feet under,The west wing, The wire, Downton Abbey, Borgen, The good wife (and the good fight), The americans.

      • Anon

        Dark was SO good.
        Ness, we watched Black Spot after Dark. Not quite as good as Dark, but still pretty good and in a similar vibe.

    • Anonymous

      Not really along the same lines, but certain shows on TLC and Lifetime seem to have endless content. I’m looking at you, Married at First Sight and 90 Day Fiancé.

  11. Anon

    Like the rest of the world, I have been hiking and camping a lot this year. And reading up on gear. “Technical” is one of those word in English that is really striking me as curious now.

    “Technical” in a fabric means — something synthetic, likely expensive. Not sure how Smart Wool (etc.) fits in here, as it is a natural fibre (yes, with some nylon). Hold on to your wallet.

    “Technical” in a hike means . . . difficult (or difficult-ish). Has nothing to do with the other use of word, but it is the same word!

    Usually, I’m used to “technical” occuring in the usual Before Times use: “I’m technically still married . . .” Or someone getting off on a technicality. This is a language that makes less sense the more I think about it.

    • Anon

      The use of “technical” for clothing comes from “technology” – these fabrics are developed using technology that is newer/different than traditionally used for clothing

      • CountC

        And technical trail comes from needing expertise/being specialized in that type of trail to traverse it! (I’ll let you decide if that’s true or not)

        From an (b)east coaster who scoffs at those buffed out west coast trails ;)

    • Cat

      Don’t get me started on my piano books as a kid. One of them was entitled “Technic” but was supposed to be pronounced “Technique” according to my teacher.

    • Vicky Austin

      It has always bothered me that “plausible” and “possible” have such similar meanings, spellings and pronunciations.

        • anne-on

          My kid is currently into ancient myths. There are SO many times we have to ask him to spell something when we pronounces it as we have NO clue what he’s referring to otherwise. My personal favorite was how he thought Aphrodite was pronounced, if I recall it was something like ‘app-fro-dee-tie’. And then I promptly learned I was saying Eurydice wrong, thanks Alexa!

        • Anon

          Effect and affect. Composed and comprised. (I’m old school on that last one but it appears Merrimack Webster just gave up)

      • Sloan Sabbith

        There are a lot of words I knew the meaning of far before I knew how to pronounce them. Around age 5, I told my parents that the patio outside was covered with dehb-riss. Debris. I’d read it. I used it right. I just had no idea how to say it.

        • Vicky Austin

          Oh, I have so many of these. Allegory. Percentage. Determined. Misled. There are lots more.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            It was more recently than I’d like to admit that I realized that miniseries is not pronounced mi-niz-er-ees. I always thought it was some sort of British way of saying something was a…mini-series…. Probably because I first saw it written that way on PBS when they were playing one of the BBC shows. So I made up a British pronunciation and didn’t realize it for so many years.

          • Cat

            For a really, really long time I thought “facade” was “fake-aid” for this reason!

        • anonshmanon

          took me an embarrassing number of years to put together the written word rhetoric with the redderick that people on tv talked about.

    • Anon

      My favorite (actually no) is when professions hijack a word for a super-special club-only meaning. Looking at you, engineering shall.

        • Anon

          There is ongoing debate over the use of “must” versus “shall” in engineering documentation.

          “Must” is the only term that creates a legal obligation, per the Federal Plain Writing Act and the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. “Shall” legally means “may” per Gutierrez de Martinez v. Lamagno 515 U.S. 417.

          AS9100 (international Quality Management System standard for the Aviation, Space and Defense industry) calls for “shall”, “should”, “may”, and “can” in engineering documents, with decreasing necessity down the line (shall = requirement, should = recommendation, may = permission, can = capability).

          ASME Y14.100 (Engineering Drawing Practices) offers no guidance. Other regulatory bodies (ASTM, SAE, ISO) also offer no guidance. The FAA and most other U.S. agencies require “must” rather than “shall”.

          Legal precedent, connotation, and modern usage all suggest that “must” is more appropriate. Despite all this, engineers continue to insist on “shall” when communicating that a procedure or behavior is necessary for safety or functionality.

          As the person whose role positions her perpetually between Engineering and Legal, I am about ready to expense a wet bar.

          • Anon

            “Shall” legally means “may”? I really feel like it’s deceitful to use English words and then define them arbitrarily like that.

          • anon

            I’m a lawyer and I’ve never heard anyone suggest that “shall” is anything less than a mandatory requirement (ie, a must).

          • Anonymous

            Not a lawyer but I work with them liberally – if “shall” doesn’t equal “must”, all of my documents drafted by all of our firms would be wrong.

    • Anon

      It bothers me when people hijack a word to use it in a trendy way. I can’t think of other examples at the moment, though I know they’re there. The current one that makes my skin absolutely crawl is “manifest” in the context of influencers “manifesting” their dreams, goals, etc. Cringe.

      • Anonymous

        I hate “buzzy” for restaurants/galleries/trendy places. I also hate “curated” in the context of a restaurant menu or trendy store’s inventory.

          • anon

            @VickyAustin I misread the first word of your post to be “hug” and thought “I do need a hug to get through these abuses of language”.

        • anon

          I’m starting to detest “curated.”
          “I see you” bugs me; no, you don’t.
          Also, “healing,” or describing oneself as a “healer.” Really, really hate this one which seems to becoming more popular as the “wellness” and self-care instagram industry explodes. As someone who has done a lot of hard work in actual therapy, I am not broken, damaged, wounded, and when the person providing the therapy (whether that be an actual, scientifically validated therapy modality or something not-so-validated like hypnosis, reiki, crystal healing, etc) describes herself as the “healer,” that takes away the agency from the person she is helping. She’s gonna fix you; the power comes from her. Nope nope nope.

      • Anon

        “Methodology”, which is supposed to mean a group of methods, has now come to just mean method in my field.

      • anonshmanon

        ‘let’s take this offline’ when we haven’t had in person meetings for a year…

  12. Anonymous

    Lots of talk recently on t-shirt dresses and I have decided to embrace them as my summer uniform. Which are your favorites? Recommendations please!

  13. Agurk

    Good morning. Does anyone have a recommendation for an interior designer and/or lighting specialist in the Boston area? We are renovating a Queen Anne Victorian and I need help brightening it up while still maintaining the character of the house.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. A friend used and recommended AbbeyK to me years ago based on his experience of having her design and source his entire house. She then got some extra publicity from doing a This Old House house in the area. I hired her on a much smaller scale to provide an hour or two of advice about flooring, countertops, general furniture arrangement, etc. She provided good ideas I wouldn’t have thought of myself.

  14. Curious

    I’m really struggling to get up in the morning (hello, writing on Corporette when I should be past the showering stage). I’m sure it’s low grade depression from a combination of the pandemic and pregnancy exhaustion, but I don’t want to up my anti depressant. My main issue is I am actually tired (yes, often despite sleeping 9-10 hours) and it’s hard to find a “why” for the daily slog. Other than therapy, what has helped you get through similar moments?

    • AFT

      Maybe fresh air in the morning before work, if you have the space/climate to do so? Even if it’s going out on a patio with a cup of coffee, I’m amazed how much fresh air changes my mood.
      Pregnancy can also be such an energy suck (worth it and all!) I remember being passed out on the couch at 7 pm basically all of first trimester and the second half of the third trimester, so sometimes your body is just working against you.

      • anne-on

        This. I remember falling asleep during an all hands call and jerking awake to the ‘this conference has now ended’ music about 30 minutes after the stop time mid-morning after a full night of sleep. Pregnancy exhaustion is real.
        I’d also encourage you to try to prioritize and ‘batch’ your to-dos. Save the easier stuff for when you’re more exhausted and the harder things for when you’re more naturally alert.

      • Curious

        Thank you both :) I opened the window while eating breakfast this morning and it cheered me up. Definitely validating to hear the stories of just conking out…

    • Anonymous

      Pregnancy is physically exhausting. I wouldn’t be so quick to blame it on depression.

    • No Face

      I am exhausted during my first trimester and easily sleep 12+ hours during that time. I literally would work and sleep. You may feel tired because you really just need a huge amount of sleep right now.

      • Curious

        So far so good, but I may ask for another test as this is 2nd tri and still fatigued.

    • Anon

      Are you sure it’s mood related as opposed to just pregnancy? If you feel depressed, do things like exercise or therapy that might help, but if it’s just a natural (for many people) part of pregnancy and it’s not really affecting your ability to get work and other important things done, maybe just lean into it and think of it as a time to take care of yourself and give your body what it needs. You’re growing a whole new person!

    • anon

      I don’t think you’re depressed; I think you’re exhausted from pregnancy! Don’t underestimate the toll it takes on your energy levels. This pretty much describes both of my full-time pregnancies; there’s a reason why I didn’t try for a third kid. I felt like I was in a fog for 18 months and it’s telling that I felt like a million bucks while recovering from childbirth! My best advice is to do less than you think you need to and to truly rest whenever you can. Do bring it up with your OB, of course, but this may be what it’s like for you.

    • Arla

      I’ve had issues like this. Are you drinking enough water? Eating healthy? Do you sleep well – electronics before bed, any light on at night? If you’re tired despite sleeping, and don’t want to talk therapy, we have to briefly consider these too. B12? Iron tablets (don’t start these without doctors guidance)?
      Have a rough plan for the morning. For me at least deciding the order of get up – pick clothes – shower – eat breakfast was mentally taxing. I literally ended up writing it down.
      Include some things that you really love in your morning – a nice breakfast, some time to watch a few youtube videos or read a book, favorite scented body wash, etc
      I like the walk idea. It’s best to actually get out of the house but that’s not necessarily possible right now.

    • Curious

      Thank you all for suggesting maybe I’m just tired. I’m fine after 9 am, don’t really feel depressed — it’s just a struggle in the morning! Maybe I just need to reset my expectations even more.

      • Anonymous

        It might still be worth looking into the possibility of iron deficiency. I wasn’t anemic until the second tri.

      • Allie

        Yes! You are building a person. It’s going to take a lot of your energy every day, which is a big weird adjustment.

  15. Anon

    I could use some positive stories about getting older. I am really feeling the weight of midlife today. I hate watching my parents age. My friends are disappearing into their families and buying houses and being busy with work and kids and life (I don’t have kids). My remaining grandparent has terrible dementia and it is painful to watch. I don’t feel ready to be at this stage in life and I’m afraid of what comes next. Seriously, I feel like I was just 29. Or at least just 35!

    Share some good stories about aging, please!

    • Anon

      I had kids late, so I am an old parent. And I swear they keep me young. I am climbing rocks and mountain biking (and taking lots of advil). If it were up to me, I’d never get around to doing it, but when they have no indoor options and group trip is planned, we go, good weather or bad. If it were just me, I’d be on the couch.

      So: find something like Elderhostel — they do lots of active things and trips (some day!) for people who seem to be older than me (50). It’s what I want to be in when my kids are in college, so I’ve got some time to train up for that.

    • CountC

      I don’t know if this will help you, but I quite enjoy getting older. I am about to turn 41, and am single and childless by choice. I have disposable income partly because of my field/job, but also partly because I do not have kids or a significant other. I get to participate in my hobbies whenever I want and spend whatever I want on them (and they are many and at least one is capital E expensive). I get to play Rich Auntie Supreme (thank you Rachel Cargle) to my friends kids, especially my bff’s absolutely adorable and sweet four year old son. I get to hang with my dogs and enjoy doing whatever I want when I am home. My parents are retired and generally enjoying life with minimal health issues (my dad had to get a new hip a couple years ago but it was nbd). All of my grandparents are dead, although I didn’t know them well or at all (never knew either grandfather) and while my maternal grandmother had awful dementia, it was a relief when she passed knowing that she was no longer suffering. I am wiser than I was in the past and while I am certainly not perfect, I know myself better than I did and I am now able to process my emotions in a healthy way. I also DGAF about what other people think and am far more bold about asking for what I want and need at work and being willing to go elsewhere if I don’t get it.

      You can curse me through the computer screen, but honestly, it was a change in mind-set for me. Is everything perfect? Of course not. Do I have struggles and am I lonely some times? Of course I am! But I am now able to appreciate my life in ways that I couldn’t when I was younger and that, to me, is the greatest benefit of getting older.

      • Anon

        That “DGAF about what other people think of me” is the real silver lining of aging, especially for women

    • Anonymous

      Your friends with kids will come back to you when they send their kids off to college. In the meantime, enjoy the time with other friends who are childless.

    • Senior Attorney

      I am 62 and I feel like two of the best things about getting older are (a) you get smarter, in that you just have more life experience so you’re not doing every darned thing for the first time, and (b) you have more money (generally income rises with age although I know that’s not a given). Also, and I’ve posted this before, I’ve learned that life has seasons and if you don’t like the one you’re in just wait — nothing lasts forever. (And if you do like the one you’re in, enjoy the heck out of it because nothing lasts forever!)

    • Trixie

      I am 66, so I am on the back side of midlife, and the caring for aging parents (an an aunt), launching the kids, etc. It is very painful to watch people age and decline–I was terrified of getting older. After burying parents and relations–an my husband and I are the go-to family members–we matured, and accepted our mortality, and decided to stay as healthy as we could.

      I lost weight over the past decade, got stronger, and I still hike, cross country ski, and downhill ski. I stopped coloring my hair, and try to look as good as I can, for my age, and for my rather low maintenance style. I can better appreciate the bittersweetness of life, and the fact that I do not forever to do all the things, or enjoy all the people.

      I am loving my 60’s. I have no f*cks left to give, my ambitions have diminished as I strive to enhance my virtues (kindness, generosity, helpfulness, activism, honesty) instead of my resume.

      It gets better–hang in there, and try to learn, and grow, and look at the view from 30,000 feet instead of 10 feet away. Hugs

    • Anon

      I was orphaned by age 50 and so was my husband. For the 10 years prior to that there was a lot of parental care and dealing with hospitals etc, so though we miss our parents terribly, we don’t miss the exhausting drain of being their caretakers and watching them decline and suffer. It’s a thing you don’t hear people talk about a lot but there’s a certain liberation in being the oldest generation of your family.

      My peak earning years were in my mid to late forties/early fifties and I did the corporate grind for as long as I could to bank those coins, and now I’m able to work more of a 9-5 (if that) job and enjoy my life a bit more. I enjoyed the corporate grind years too because my brain was fully engaged, but my body was tired (75% travel schedule and working pretty much 24/7).

      As SA said, I also feel older and wiser and not everything in life is a new and stressful experience, including stuff with my health. I don’t freak out nearly as much about forks in the road as I used to.

      Finally, letting go of the perfectionism thing has been enormously liberating. I don’t care if I’m not perfect. I’m me. You either like me or you don’t, and either option is ok with me. I like me, which is the important thing.

  17. Anon

    I work with high-schoolers as a volunteer and all of them are on social media constantly. We adults get the “never memorialize on the interwebs nothing you wouldn’t want on the front page of the [virtual] paper / blog / etc.” These kids just don’t. They are generally pretty good kids, but often prone to doing some things that are stupid and some that can go sideways on them very fast due to immaturity. [Malice is something else, as is teasing or bullying.]

    At least annually, someone discovers a tweet or caption or something said in the moment that becomes regrettable. Some kids want to send it to the offender’s college in the hopes of getting admissions reversed or scholarships cancelled (and no doubt, some are fearful that they have something lurking out there that comes back to haunt them).

    IDK how things are at colleges — I know a D1 football prospect can have a rape indictment out there and it doesn’t change his scholarship or admissions, but if you are poor or not worth protecting, what happens? I bet colleges don’t want to be who digital tattle-tales come running to, but I bet they also police the most egregious things. Things showing hatred probably are weighed more than what I’d call just dumb or ill-considered comments on current events.

    I can’t recall whether Alexi McCammond was in high school or college with the tweets that cost her a prestigious job, but that is probably a lesson that will hit home for them. Also, anything you send digitally can be discovered and do you want to be known for being that person? [Like if something is that bad, let the local news carry the water for you. Don’t be a solo vengeance seeker.]

    • Clementine

      My College joined TheFacebook (remember all of these things?!?) when I was a freshman. I also was an RA and one of our requirements was that you had to ‘friend’ your bosses so they could make sure that you weren’t posting anything inappropriate.

      …Do you know how thankful I am that I was required to have a Vanilla social media presence from its inception?

      I feel like we’ve been talking about ‘kids’ making dumb decisions since probably humans started farming in the Fertile Crescent. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

    • Anonymous

      IMO, the absolute best thing you can do for your kids and teens is to a) dramatically limit screentime and smartphone usage and b) give them opportunities for better activities so they don’t WANT to use their phones so much. Nothing good comes out of heavy social media usage, whether it’s dumb offensive tweets, toxic rumination and anxiety, cyberbullying, getting groomed by pedophiles on Tumblr and Reddit, and worse.

      • Anon

        No doubt. But it takes a second to think that they are a wit and make an ironic comment about something that is really no joking matter (Atlanta spa shootings, etc.). Something with no hatred or animus, but just stupid poorly thoughtout thoughts. There is a reason we don’t let them pierce their ears or get tattoos.

    • Anon

      Harvard (and other schools) have revoked admission to a number of students over social media. And not just once, multiple years – sometimes due to past history of racist comments, inappropriate memes, etc.
      Students wanting to notify colleges where other students have been accepted is a bit much and seems a bit vindictive to me.

      • Anon

        I’m just wondering if it is different when it’s on the local station’s 11:00 news vs something is sent by e-mail to a school. It’s like people tip off the IRS all the time and usually it’s just not something they have the manpower to deal with, even if someone did cheat a bit (and the laws are so complex, probably everyone does something wrong, possibly innocently).

        I hope that the vindictive people know that even if you send something via an anonymous e-mail, you are not as anonymous online as you think you are. At some point, someone will have deep pockets or get a legal advocacy organization on their side and you can bet the college will be advised by its counsel to comply with any subpoenas.

    • Anon

      I honestly shift blame to parents who either never taught them how to navigate social media safely (what to share, what not, where are dangerous places online, etc.), never monitored them, or put forth the abhorrent things these kids say in the first place. It sucks for one mistake to derail your future but it’s often a huge mistake (grotesquely racist, anti-semitic or s*xist comments, etc.) that they should absolutely know is terrible by 17 and an attitude that most schools don’t want to invite into their student body. I don’t feel too much sympathy.

    • Anon 2.0

      I think this is one of those things where “the times they are a changin”. While I agree 100% that kids needs to be careful what they post, we really are in uncharted waters with a generation growing up with social media. Most of us, the “olds”, remember when these social media platforms were invented. These kids don’t have that.

      We can’t expect kids to navigate this the way “we” did. It just isn’t the same. Sure, not posing controversial content is still the bottom line, but it somehow feels different? It feels like we need to tailor the message in a different way. I don’t think “limit screentime, don’t give into smartphones” is at all realistic in the modern world we live in.

      • Of Counsel

        I was just coming in to say this in response to the poster above (limit screen time! keep them busy with other activities!) Those are great goals but as the mother of a recent HS graduate, not at all realistic.

        By high school they ALL have smart phones. They have them all day long. Unless you are with your kid 24/7 – you really have no way to limit what they do with those phones. Even limits on cellular data do not help when every business and all their friends have WiFi. And I have never met a teenager who could not get around whatever limits their parents put on their phones (I still remember the friend who was SO PROUD that she had not allowed certain apps on her son’s phone but apparently missed the part where he could access the same sites via his internet browser). Even if you insist on friending them on every social media site, they create double identities – one for adults and one for peers.

        The solution I landed on was to sit my child down while still in middle school and take her through another kid’s internet presence. (It was pretty horrifying.) And then asked her if she would hire that person to watch her children, give her a spot in a college, or hire her for a job.

        So far so good with my kid – but I think it is important to remember that teenagers sometimes say outrageous things to be outrageous and not necessarily because they believe them. Did they “know better”? Sure. But you can literally commit a violent crime as a child and get your record expunged. It seems to me saying stupid sh*t on the internet while still in high school should not be held against you for the rest of your life

    • Anon

      This is incredibly fact dependent. The smaller and more prestigious the school, the more likely they are to look at social media presence. Harvard’s 2,000 students get a lot more scrutiny than UCLA’s 13,700. Students getting scholarships (especially athletic scholarships) get more scrutiny that those who do not.

      And it depends on what is said. Posts that are (or can be interpreted as) racist or homophobic get more scrutiny than some other types of problematic content.

    • Anon

      I don’t know how I feel about this, but I can’t deny that college was a better experience for me than school partly because of the absence of overtly hateful classmates.

  18. Anon needs a one time cleaning service

    I moved apartments this weekend and truly don’t have time to do my final clean of my old place before I give my keys back. Does anyone in DC have a recommendation for a cleaning service? Might take a couple hours. Thank you!

    • Senior Attorney

      Go on TaskRabbit and find somebody with a lot of good reviews. I’ve done that with good success (although not in DC).

    • Anon

      My housekeeper’s amazing <3 I've used her for 5 years and she's like family. Text her at 2 4 0 -640-9 3 8 6. Her name's Mayoli.

    • DC pandas

      Well Paid Maids in DC is excellent. They’re one of the only living-wage groups in DC and have a straightforward booking platform.

  19. Anon

    Quick question, I’m signed up for a virtual conference and they’re requesting headshots. Do you think it would be okay/common to decline? Not only do I not have a suitable headshot (and am I really going to get one when I haven’t had a haircut in a year), but we’ve already had two massive identity theft breaches in my household in just the last two years and I’m really trying to reduce all identifiable information online, especially photos. I don’t have Facebook or Instagram for that reason and I have a sunglasses photo on LinkedIn. Thoughts on this?

    • Cat

      Unless you’re a speaker, I would just quietly ignore the request rather than replying and saying no. What are they going to do, un-register you?

      • Anon

        I am a speaker actually. The session will be recorded, which is fine, but I just don’t want headshots floating around the Internet if I can avoid it.

        • Anon

          If you’re a speaker you should have a headshot. It’s unprofessional not to. Your concern around identity theft over a photo comes off as out of touch too.

      • Pompom

        They’ll just go grab your LinkedIn profile picture if you have one. Happens all the time.

        Not supporting that method, but there it is.

    • Pompom

      …reading comp fail! Sorry–just saw the piece about LinkedIn. They’ll live without one.

    • Anon 2.0

      I think you could decline this once give the haircut – but you need a headshot. The identity thefts concerns come across as strange.

      • Anon

        I agree that it’s going to be very weird to not have a headshot if you’re in a line of work where you’re a public speaker.

    • Anon

      I have had identity theft more than once (including someone actually getting caught and going to prison for it) but I’m not so paranoid that I wouldn’t provide a headshot for a professional opportunity. I think that is at least one step too far.

    • Anon

      I don’t think that sharing a headshot makes you more susceptible to identity theft, unless there’s something I’m missing.

  20. anon

    Ugh, on the struggle bus today. I overdid it this weekend with prepping a holiday meal, doing the holiday things with my kiddos, and helping DH with lawn work. I got my second Covid shot on Thursday and spent all of Friday recovering; I had a fever and body aches that wouldn’t go away. I hate when the weekend isn’t as restful as it needs to be. On the other hand: I am thrilled to be slowly returning to normal things, and the activity of spring/summer after a fallow winter.

  21. Watch pricepoints

    How much should I be looking to pay for a decent watch? By that, I mean something that isn’t a status-symbol watch but one that I can trust on to be working anytime I put it on. I’ve realized that buying a cheap watch just results in finding one that only lasts six months, but I also don’t need a $5k watch like my friend has. So, what pricepoint should I be looking at? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      As with all things in life, there’s a range. My $30 Timex from Target keeps time just as well as my husband’s Rolex (actually more so since it’s quartz vs mechanical) and has lasted years with a battery change every year or so. I had a fossil that was probably $100-150 that lasted for years until I lost it. What’s breaking on the cheap watches you’re buying?

    • Lots to Learn

      Seconding the Timex recommendation. Got my last two on Amazon. Worked well until I caught the turning button on a train seat and ripped it out. Love Timex with Indiglo!

    • Anon

      I really like my Skagen watch and it’s held up well. I believe it was $50 on sale.

      • Vicky Austin

        I love my Skagen! Nice middling price for OP’s range even not on sale. Looks like they’re running a spring sale right now actually.

    • Anon

      Going up a category, I requested and received a Raymond Weill for a gift and it’s a beautiful watch that is reliable as long as I remember to get the battery replaced.

      I suspect all quartz watches are the same on the inside, so I was really going for external beauty in this one. Anything that is fake metal tarnishes on me very quickly so anything that is gold needs to actual gold on my stuff. My watch has a gold box around the dial, the rest is I think stainless steel, and a few diamonds inside the face of the watch. No tarnishing.

      • Anon

        I have a 15 year old Raymond Weill – classic stainless steel, mother of pearl dial. Going strong. Paid $500 I think?

    • Anon

      IMHO there are only two categories of watches worth considering- smart and luxury. For the former, I prefer Apple, the latter Cartier’s tank because I like a classic look. Vintage is great for that, too. I also support a vintage men’s watch, like an heirloom timepiece. I don’t get the point otherwise. But his is my finicky opinion, it’s free.

    • Anon

      I have a Bulova that was ~$150 from a chain jewelery store. When I was looking, everything was either super chunky or covered in bling and i wanted something simple and plain. It’s about 4 years old and has held up well.

    • Anon.

      I have two styles of watches in the $50-100 price range, some of them I’ve owned for years:

      Skagen – sleek, pretty small, very flat, almost unisex Scandinavian design. I get asked about those watches often, funnily because they aren’t clunky or showy in any way.

      Fossil – bigger impact on my wrist, but still understated and not too blingy. Also has unisex designs.

  22. Anon

    Is personally training worth it if you’ve not been working out? I’m just trying to look better. I have a lot of fat but I’m technically underweight with just very little muscle, so weight loss isn’t really my primary goal (it might happen and I wouldn’t be mad but really I just need more muscle overall). I have trouble staying motivated with any fitness plan because I’m never confident it’s the best way to achieve my personal goals. I know that any exercise is better than no exercise, but when I’ve tried to just force myself to do anything and stick to it, I get tired of it and the feeling that maybe I’m wasting my time wins out.

    I would think that working with a professional could get around that anxiety but my SO is very much the kind of person who 100% believes that we should be able to educate ourselves on what’s best for us in terms of fitness goals (he’s been able to do it for himself, with lots of time and research so he thinks I should be able to do the same) so the thought of paying someone to just have that information for me is something he balks at. Granted, if I just put my foot down and said this was what I was doing, he would leave it be. It’s not about having his permission, I personally don’t like to just shut down advice from people close to me without having solid logical backing for doing so, when the person giving advice does have solid logical backing for their own stance.

    I feel like rationally, yes, I should be able to figure it all out on my own, and feel confident enough about that to follow through on it. I should not need someone else to tell me what to do in this situation. Especially since we all know it’s a pretty simple combination: use muscles, muscles get bigger, body looks better. But I get so hung up on all the conflicting info out there: cardio is better, no weightlifting, what about HIIT? Maybe I should do pilates or should I be rotating? Muscle groups? Rest days? It all just becomes cacophony that I should be able to drown out but can’t.

    Anyone in the same boat? If you made the choice to just hire a personal trainer, did it help? Or did your anxiety just make you feel unconfident that you hired the right person?

    • Anon

      I have had three different personal trainers. Two of them were not the right fit for me at all. One of them was fabulous and made me feel so much better about what my body was capable of. You sound like you have a lot of conflicting feelings around this, and I would encourage you to explore that (maybe in therapy if you haven’t already, because you sound like you’re overthinking this a lot, and maybe that is anxiety driven.) I would say give it a try if you’re interested in it. Different methods motivate different people, and it’s fine if your SO doesn’t need a personal trainer, but it sounds like it might work for you.

    • No Problem

      I think you’re in exactly the right place to work with a personal trainer. If your goal is to gain muscle, the trainer should be able to plan workouts for you that achieve that goal. If you’re going to be using weights, especially if it’s your first time doing it, you definitely want a pro to teach you correct form so that you don’t hurt yourself. Frankly I guess that’s true for body weight exercises too. Maybe do it a couple times a week for a month or two and see how it goes? You can always quit working with the trainer once you learn the moves.

    • Jeffiner

      I have a friend who thinks its ridiculous that I pay a financial planner, because I should be able to research all that and do it myself. Maybe I could, but I have so many better things to do with my time. My SO also does all his fitness research and has his own plans worked out. Fine, its his hobby, not mine. I will do what the fitness instructor tells me, and spend my free time reading crime novels.

      The trainer can help keep you motivated and accountable to the program, and help you manage all the conflicting info out there. And its not really simple, if it were there wouldn’t be a need for personal trainers in the world.

      • Anon

        Yes to all of this and several other comments. I just started working with a personal trainer and am so happy I did it. I’m someone who has managed my own fitness for years, and, yes, I can do it, but honestly it’s a lot of work and emotional labor to come up with plans and implement them and adjust them. Not only have I offloaded all of that emotional labor, but I also now have more variety in my workouts (I have no problem establishing a fitness routine, with the emphasis on the routine … I’m inclined not to vary what I do, which can lead to boredom and repetitive stress injuries), and am learning even more about form, how certain exercises work, etc. Add the fact that it’s an investment in my future (I recently turned 40 and am very interested in maintaining a certain baseline fitness / strength that will serve me well as I age), and it’s been a great investment.

      • anonshmanon

        +1. You get to decide which things you want to be the expert in, and which ones you pay others for. We all outsource, just in different areas.

    • Anon

      Anything that helps you meet your goal is worth it. Yes you could do all the work and learn everything on your own but that argument can be made about everything! You could sew your own clothes, you could do all your plumbing and electrical work. I think its a stupid argument. If having a trainer will get you to work out and help you, think of it as an investment you are making to your health.

      I used to take classes before because just showing up without having to think and just listening and moving my body was simple and when I was done, I was DONE. That is what I needed do cycling classes 3 days a week and I was more than happy to pay for that.

    • Anon

      Disregard your S.O. and let him know that people have different methods of learning things. You’ll learn more quickly from a personal trainer, get knowledge specific to your body type and goals, and will build the confidence and motivation to continue after you stop working with a trainer. If he pushes back, well consider whether or not he has your best interests at heart or just wants to be right. And then still ignore him.
      With your fitness goals in particular, strength and muscle building rather than weight loss, a trainer will be especially effective.

    • Vicky Austin

      I mean, you do have a solid logical backing for rejecting your husband’s advice – it has not worked for you.

    • Anonymous

      I think you are a perfect candidate for a personal trainer. I was in a similar position and joined a gym where I am assigned a personal trainer (not as an add-on or option, everyone gets a trainer and prescribed workouts every week). It is expensive, but the only other fitness program I have stuck with for any period in my adulthood (morning boot camp) no longer exists conveniently for me. I have no real bandwidth for learning how to train myself and I am certain that I would have focused on the wrong things if I had tried (e.g., building up my biceps rather than my posterior chain) and my form would not be nearly as good (which is very important for results and injury prevention). After 18 months, I do read fitness information on the web and I have read a book on strength training, but I still don’t have the bandwidth to create my own program and mostly use this information to improve my form or identify questions/requests for my trainer.
      My BF was a D1 athlete and has been a serious weightlifter throughout his adulthood. He goes into the gym and automatically knows what to do each day and how intensely he can work out day-to-day. He thinks it is crazy that I am paying someone for this service, especially the high price I am paying. I have acknowledged it, but told him I just need to do what is working for me and that part of that is having the accountability to someone else. He has finally stopped bringing it up other than to encourage or compliment me.

    • kitten

      If you are underweight with high body fat you could focus on lifting. In my area there are strength training gyms where you sign up for very small group classes and receive a lot of individualized attention on form. It’s way cheaper than a personal trainer. I’ve never been underweight but was skinny fat and went from 23 to 21% body fat within a couple months (3 classes/week).

    • Losing Fat/Gaining Muscle

      Losing fat/gaining muscle has a ton more to do with what you are eating (i.e., tracking your macros) than what you are doing. As a former skinny-fat person, cardio was crucial in helping me lose actual fat, but lifting was helpful in me not looking like I melted. For those reasons, I do CrossFit, but Barry’s and Orange Theory/Iron Tribe will get you similar results.

      If you are new to any of these and have the resources, I would invest in someone teeing up macros just for me or somewhat for me (see RP Strength, Working Against Gravity, MacroStax, etc.) and would absolutely splurge on a few sessions with a trainer to get ideas/learn my way around a particular gym. For what it’s worth, the community aspect of group fitness does it for me and getting to show up and have something already programmed (i.e., no thinking about anything, just doing it with friends) has been way more helpful than working with a trainer.

      • Anon

        I also recommend Orange Theroy. You just show up and they tell you what to do. Looking forward to going back as soon as I’m vaccinated

  23. anon for this

    DH and I have appointments for our first Pfizer shots later this week, yay! They will schedule our second shots while we are there. I suggested to DH that we get our second shots 3-4 days apart, so that if we both have significant side effects we can take turns parenting our 2 young kids. He thought that was being dramatic. Thoughts?

    • Anon

      Some people really struggle. A friend who’s a priest was so debilitated by his second Pfizer shot (101* fever that lasted for days) he wasn’t sure he’d be able to say Holy Week masses – and for a church’s main priest to consider not saying Holy Week, it’s bad. My mom, on the other hand, who also had the Pfizer, had no effects whatsoever.

    • Anonymous

      I would definitely schedule a few days apart, why not? Most people I know have not had strong reactions, but it would be really easy to space them out slightly.

    • Anon

      I think you’re right. My boyfriend and I had our shots at different times and both of us had side effects that were debilitating. We don’t have children, but neither of us could get out of bed the day after the shot and had to miss work. Using your method has no risk– if none or only one of you has significant side effects, then it works out well. If both of you do, you’re not down at the same time!

    • anonymous

      I think it’s a good idea to plan for a few days apart in case there are side effects. I just had the J&J had felt crummy for about a day or so.

    • nuqotw

      I don’t think it’s being dramatic. You know it might be an issue, you can plan in such a way that avoids the risk of both parents down simultaneously, so why wouldn’t you? (or, tell him if you both have significant side effects and he wants to roll the dice on that one, *he* can be the sick one who does all the kid stuff while *you* rest)

      I just had my second Moderna shot and two hours later I thought I was going to sail through with just a sore arm. This weekend, while I felt only mildly achy, I was exhausted. Like, crawl into bed at 10 AM all of a sudden for a four hour nap because being awake was just too much work.

    • Vicky Austin

      “Being dramatic” is not an actual con to doing that, and there are lots of pros. Everyone I know has been knocked flat by the second shot (M and P both).

    • Jeffiner

      My husband and I scheduled our second shots a few days apart. I felt terrible after the second shot, he was just a little tired. But even though he was just a little tired, he could still lay on the couch while I parented, because I was over my side effects by then.

    • Anon

      I would! I had mine this Saturday and felt like I was run over by a truck (lightheaded, nauseated, fever, chills). I was very happy that my BF was able to take care of me. His second shot is next Saturday and I’ll be able to do the same if he gets similar side effects.

    • Anon for this

      Planning this way seems smart to me. DH and I were both down for the count for about 8-10 hours each, starting almost exactly 12 hours after our shots. Fever, chills, and achy muscles & joints. Then it just … dissolved.

    • Anon

      I agree to schedule them a few days apart if you can. My husband’s and my shots were a week apart (he qualified via profession earlier than I qualified via health condition) so he got to have his second shot effects last week with me waiting on him. I will expect the same in return when I get my second shot this week (yay!)

    • Shananana

      My boss and I got our 2nd M vaccine on the same day and I purposely kept my next day light, and she thought I was being silly doing that. I ended up with no reaction but she was knocked out most of the next day. I’m a prepare for the worst and hope for the best person though.

  24. Anon

    Ideas for an outdoor dinner with friends this weekend? Only restriction is no pork. I’ve previously made Ina’s lasagna for these friends and it was a HUGE hit.

  25. Anonymous

    Recs for inexpensive or moderately priced undereye concealer, please? Something that glides on nicely and provides decent but not heavy or cakey coverage would be great! Ready for a switch from maybelline and laura mercier. Thanks so much!

    • anon

      NARS Soft Matte Complete Concealer. (Admittedly not the cheapest, but my go-to for the criteria you described.)

    • Shananana

      I’ve been very happy with the Fenty concealer the last year or so – good coverage and a ton of color options. Its more in the Laura Mercier price range.

    • Anon

      I made a recommendation to NOLA to switch to a moisturizing, sheer, lightly reflective concealer. I think she got the Trish McEvoy but Tatcha and First Aid Beauty make them too. I like them so much better than the heavy opaque triangle under the eyes.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you again! Been intrigued by all things brightening and illuminating recently (like vitamin c serum and jelly face balm), so checking out Tatcha and First Aid as well. Thanks again!

    • Anon

      OP here, thank you all so much! Sometimes a little goes a long way so maybe better quality is a better option. I’ve heard good things about the NARS concealer and it does seem like Fenty has a ton of shades. I’ve always liked Trish McEvoy products, especially their eye products… I’d completely forgotten about how good their instant eye lift is (just a bit spendy) – thank you all!

  26. Anonanonanon2

    I had an Rx for adderall from middle school through college and stopped taking it once I was out of school. Luckily, I fell into a niche field where ADHD truly thrives and have generally been able to use strategies to cope, but I’m back in school in addition to my career and it is no longer sustainable. The procrastination, inability to focus when I want to, getting derailed on side projects despite my best intentions, not truly comprehending consequences of my decisions despite telling myself over and over, etc. isn’t working.
    I don’t want to seem like I’m drug-seeking or anything, and I doubt I’d be able to access any kind of medical records from college and earlier. How does one start this conversation with one’s doctor?

      • Anonanonanon2

        But then what will I perseverate on all afternoon?!?! (Kidding, sort of, but not really, which is the problem)

      • Anon

        Yep. I remember being scared to go to a doctor and say I was struggling with garden variety depression and just wasn’t myself, and I was prepared to have to “fight” for it and had a whole speech planned and counterarguments, etc – but the nurse and doctor were totally cool and were very easy going.

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