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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I like this sheath dress from Chaus. The knot detail looks flattering, the neckline and hemline are both 100% office appropriate, and — hooray! — they direct you to “hand wash,” not “dry clean.” The print and cut both remind me of this much more expensive dress. It's $89 at Nordstrom. Chaus ‘Graphic Flecks' Print Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Baconpancakes
DC, what are you doing? You were so nice and autumnal earlier this week, and now we’re back to the 90 degree misery! I bought boots and a blazer, and now you’re telling me I should pull back out the linen and seersucker! Are you PMSing? Hungover? C’mon, DC, let’s talk this out and try to be friends again.
Ellen
When I lived in DC (I did for OVER 8 years), it was ALWAYS super HOT in August, so much so that I always LOST alot of weight by the end of September b/c I sweated EVERY day even tho I did NOT even exercize much when I was in college. By law school, I started to notice my tuchus, and some of the guys who wanted to date me b/c I did not have a steady boyfreind told me they would walk the toe-path every morning with me if I wanted. Unfortuneately, I did not want to b/c I had to study. One guy offered to study and give me all of his outline’s if I dated him, but I did not find him attractive. He was bald and had bad breathe, and looked a little like Dookie Houser. FOOEY!
So for the OP, don’t worry to much if it is hot now — by November it will be very nice and you can walk on the mall without any SHVITZING! YAY!
TBK
No kidding. But it is August, so I guess this is only fair. Still, the weather was so amazing just a few days ago.
preg anon
Here in Houston, we’ve been thrilled with a high of 92! This is cool for us in August.
Maggie
+1 I never thought I’d be happy about a high of “only” 92 before I moved to Houston.
In the Pink
But it’s air you can wear which leads to fewer wrinkles in skin. And no snow to shovel here.
It’s all relative, though :)
emeralds
Saying the same to central VA today. God. I bought sweaters!
mintberrycrunch
+1
Lyssa
I’m jealous. It’s usually pushing 100 here in TN through most of July and August, but it’s been basically too cool (and rainy) to comfortably swim since mid-July. I want to be able to take the baby swimming!!! This is weird!
Little Red
It’s been very cool here this summer with most weeks the temps being in the 80s. It hasn’t really felt like summer this year. Honestly, I’ll take it.
Anonymous
Only three weeks until it’s nice every day…can you tell I stalk weather.com?
Veronique
Any feedback on laptop bags from Aleysa bags? They look good, but I don’t know how they measure up in terms if weight, style, durability and overall quality
Related, Lo and Sons us having a Labor Day sale. 10% off with code LABORDAY2013 until Sept 3.
eek
I’ve had mine since January. Love it. My only beef is the lining on my black one is black so it’s difficult to dig things out. I’ve never used a work back for this long of a stretch before. I also had an issue w/ bag and Aleysa was prompy and helpful.
Anonymous
Are the days of 25-30% off Lo and Sons over?
KC
I’m beginning to wonder the same thing. Though I’m hoping that they might bring it back around the end of the year.
E
I was just thinking that yesterday. They might finally be well known and popular enough. I should have ordered my 20% OG while I could :(
Anonymous
I bought a TT and OG a few years ago with a 40% off code, and the prices were also marked down. I think the TT was marked down to $200 from $260, plus 40% off.
I really like the OG and find it to be a great carryon, but I just don’t know that it’s worth the sticker price and “only” 10-15% off codes they’re running now. I’m “meh” on my TT so I definitely wouldn’t pay ~$240 after discount for it.
AMB
I’m currently dithering between Alesya and Knomo (thanks to whomever posted that suggestion the other day). I like the new colours for Alesya but wish I could see them in person…
Veronique
I love the colors and shape of Alesya, but also love the shape of the Knomo Alice and Galactic bags and their 2 year warranty. Too bad their colors are kind of blah. Maybe they’ll come out with more colors.
Hy
I love-love-love my Alesya bag. I had never spent so much on a bag before (grad student) but a year+ later I still think it was worth it. It does need a few repairs, but that doesn’t seem unreasonable to me since I use it almost every day. I have the aubergine color from a few seasons ago. If anyone in Chicagoland wants to see it in person, I’d be game to show it off if you want to meet for coffee some weekend. :)
eek
Nearly every woman I work with that sees me pull my laptop out of my Aleysa bag immediately notices and asks me for the link.
Stephanie
I want the aubergine one sooo bad! I wish she would bring that color back, it was the best one.
Headed back to work...
I’m currently on maternity leave after having my first child. I’m thinking ahead to when I go back to work and one thing I think will be a big challenge is my/our morning routine. Any mothers care to share what works for them? Specifics of my situation are: DH is happy to help but leaves for work 1 to 1.5 hours before I need to leave, little one will be cared for in our home, I’m breastfeeding, we have a dog (who DH will happily walk but who I enjoy walking because sometimes it’s my only exercise). Also, I can’t figure out how much interactive time I would like with little one (as opposed to little one playing on the floor alone in the bedroom while I get ready in the bathroom (while keeping an eye on little one)).
Diana Barry
Congrats! You will figure it out; it may change as baby gets bigger.
When I went back to work after #1, she got up early (6a) and then went back to bed at 8a. I then got ready for work and left by 830. I would get as much ready at night as possible (pack work bag, lunch, lay out clothes, shower) and then in the morning have more time to spend with the baby, wake up, breakfast, etc. If you have enough time, you could also take baby in the carrier with you while you walk the dog. I always put on my work clothes right before leaving, to minimize goobies on them.
Also, I don’t have much bathroom getting ready time. I wash my face (usually) in the am but put on makeup in the car (parking lot) just before work, so YMMV.
Anon
Love the idea of walking the dog with the baby in the carrier! Wish I thought of that when I headed back to work! You even get the M Coat or a great carrier cover if you wanted to keep that up into the fall/winter.
I try to do an activity with my toddler in the morning because it makes me (and I hope her) feel like our quality time isn’t just after work. Sometimes it’s just 5 minutes of reading books but I really value that time. I second the idea (comment below) of singing as a great way to be involved when you’re multitasking – I sing (badly)while I do my hair or get dressed. This gets more fun as they get older – my toddler loves making the animals sounds in ‘Old McDonald’. When she was younger I had an exersaucer thing in the bathroom while I got ready and I found this made it easier to interact and keep track of her than if she was on the floor (especially once she was crawling). You can also have a basket of toys in your room that baby is only allowed to play with in the morning so they stay interesting/fresh. I always try to prep everything as much as possible the night before (for both baby and I).
anon
I tried to get up and shower and get dressed before our gal woke up (sometimes worked, sometimes not). We shared a nanny and on the days when I took our kid to their house it was much harder to get everything done and out the door. When you have in-home childcare all the baby’s stuff is already in the fridge and you can just hand her over in her pajamas.
Hope you have a smooth transition! After a few weeks you’ll get into a groove and mornings won’t be so crazy.
mascot
Get yourself all ready but for getting dressed before the baby is up. This is easier said than done if you have a child who usually wakes at dawn. Not having to get a child dressed, get their stuff together, making sure they finish their breakfast and then get everyone out the door at a time certain will free up a lot of time for you in the morning (that can add 30+ minutes to our morning routine). My child was happy as a baby to play at my feet or safely contained in his crib/room while I got dressed. You can still get some bonding time by talking or singing songs even if your attention is divided. Now we shamelessly rely on PBS kids programming if I need extra time in the morning to get dressed or do household stuff.
Headed back to work...
Thanks for the responses so far ladies! For the time being, little one is walking consistently at the same time every morning and I could get stuff done before that time. However, I’m having most trouble wrapping my head around the breastfeeding logistics. Walking the dog and showering with full breasts would be uncomfortable but I really don’t want to pump when I’m not at work. Maybe I just have to stop being such a wuss about it all because obviously I’ve got to give on some things!
ANP
Congrats on the baby! You’ll get into a rhythm eventually.
I agree with the idea of putting baby in a carrier (or stroller) and walking the dog that way. I recently figured out how to nurse my son in our Ergo, which is a huge timesaver (walk dog + feed baby). A really good sports bra might alleviate your discomfort if you’re unable to nurse prior to walking the dog; I’m 7 months postpartum and am now able to run with the right bra on. I agree w/not pumping if you don’t absolutely have to.
If you can: shower, lay out your clothes, prep all of your work/lunch/commute/pumping gear the night before, you’ll be way ahead of the game. I find that I can hang with my kids in the morning in my room while getting dressed, and then hair/makeup take me 10-20 minutes in the bathroom — during which time they either entertain themselves, each other, or we turn on the TV for a little electronic babysitting.
It might not be the worst idea to have your husband handle the dog-walking duties for the first few days/weeks — maybe you could take a walk at lunch instead? I’m all about getting exercise, but be easy on yourself in that initial time back at the office. Good luck!
R
I’m breastfeeding my 4 month old and my husband is gone most days for work, but she’s in daycare during the day. The night before, I prepare all the bottles, set out all the clothes, get my bags ready, etc.
In the morning, I put her in bed with me when she wakes (around 4ish) and then sort of co-sleep/nurse. Get up, feed the dog, and shower around 6:20 while she sleeps. Get ready all but getting dressed. Wake her up and change/dress her around 7am, then put her in the carrier for the dog walk (I just wear workout clothes or sometimes my pajamas, I’m not outside for long). Give her one last chance to eat, which she may or may not do, but at least she’s full for daycare. Then get dressed myself and am out the door by 730, 745 if she wanted to eat for a long time.
I’m sure this will change as she gets older, but it works for now. My only non-negotiable part of the plan is that I want her belly full when I leave, because I want to minimize the bottles that I need to pump for.
Diana Barry
Aha. I always fed baby right when she got up (early) and never pumped at home – always right when I got to work. Showering was less uncomfortable than walking when I was super full, but that will improve as baby gets bigger (by 6-9 months post I felt fine).
S
Maybe it’s just me, but I’d hand over the dogwalking chore to my husband in an instant.
With getting both of you ready, nursing, packing stuff and getting out the door, all without hubby’s help, there’s plenty for you to do as it is. Hand over anything that he can get done before he has to leave, and dogwalking is #1 on this list. Maybe making coffee/breakfast for you too.
Maddie Ross
I just came back to work a few weeks ago. For us, we just fell into a new routine, but it is made easier by the fact that my husband and I leave about the same time most mornings (and we don’t have any time we *have* to be at work specifically). Right now, baby wakes about 6 and I feed her. While I’m feeding her, my husband takes care of the dog (who doesn’t get walked in the am, just a romp in the yard) and eats his breakfast. When I finish feeding, he takes baby and usually she will go back down for a “second sleep.” I then get up, pump and eat breakfast (I cannot endorse hand’s free pumping bras enough for this reason). My husband will usually get in the shower while I’m eating. If baby doesn’t go back down, I will watch her while I pump and then play with her until he’s out of the shower. Then we switch.
preg anon
Can you link to a hands free bra? I have the Madela Freestyle and would love to be able to use it hands free.
Maddie Ross
I have the “Simple Wishes” hands-free bra from amazon. I have also used the trick of cutting slits in an old sports bra, which works pretty well (except for the having to put it on over your head part… I only use that one at home).
JJ
I used the Simple Wishes bra with my last one, as well. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Especially once you start pumping at work (if you do).
EC MD
I like pump eAse for a hands free device; though I don’t move around when I use it. It fits easily in my pump bag and is also easy to throw into the wash
ac
We have two now — including a BFing infant — and this is what works for us:
6 a.m. DC#1 gets up — DH plays with him & gives him breakfast while I shower and get as much as I can done in my hairdrying/makeup/etc. routine. I DON’T get dressed.
6:30 a.m. Switch — DH showers, shaves, gets ready otherwise while I watch DC#1.
7 a.m. Baby wakes — I feed her while watching DC#1, or DH comes downstairs to help out and finish getting ready.
7:20 a.m. I go put clothes on
7:30 a.m. DH leaves for work
7:45 a.m. Nanny arrives & takes both kids; I finish getting ready for work and leave around 8:00-8:15.
I second what others said — I’d totally hand over dog-duty to your DH until you get your feet under you. Also do whatever you can to get ready the night before (including packing pump supplies, lunch, etc.)
Preg-anon
I had twins about 18 months ago and also had a nanny once I went back to work. On workday mornings, I would wake up and pump right away (I would always get more in the morning, especially after my twins started sleeping through the night). Then I would shower and get ready for work, usually before the girls woke up. If I had time, I could have nursed them before I left for work (your milk production is highest in the morning), but I usually left while they were still asleep and my husband would handle things until the nanny arrived. I left first, but I was also able to be home first. I only would pump once a day at home, and it wasn’t bad. I would start the coffee brewing and by the time it was done, I would be done pumping. Things have changed now that the girls are older, but you will quickly figure out the best routine for you. In-home childcare will make your life SO much easier, I don’t know how I would survive with out it (my husband and I are both attorneys).
Need other pieces for this dress
I like! Any recommendations on specific jackets / cardigans for this dress? Will need some pieces for the inevitable cooler weather, but could see this being a good piece (for dry-cleaning savings alone).
Anonymous
Ladies, please help. I have really oily skin and need advice on a type of foundation that will last throughout the day without giving my face this unwanted shine. I have tried matte bare minerals and matte chanel foundation but my face looks super oily after a couple of hours. Thank you!
Woods-comma-Elle
I have the same problem and I asked about this a while back – Make Up Forever was suggested and though I can’t get it here in the UK, a lot of people recommended it so it may be worth a try.
I’ve also found that CC creme helps keep my foundation in place (in addition to primer and translucent powder) but still only for like two hours and it needs reapplying!
Woods-comma-Elle
Here is the original thread in case it helps https://corporette.com/2013/06/25/diane-von-furstenberg-kader-dress/
anon
Have you seen the recommendations from pixiwoo? they are based in the UK, so you should be able to find the products they mention. And I’m not sure if it’s available in the UK, but the Nivea pure effect tinted moisturizer is the most effective mattifying product I’ve found, and it was less than 5€.
AIMS
Are you using any mattifying primer? That’s what I do for outdoor weddings or any other time my makeup needs to last and I am likely to get shiny and it does work. I think the primer I use is by Peter Thomas Roth, but I would just go to Sephora and ask for a few samples to see what works best for you.
I would also say that it’s not entirely realistic to think there’s anything out there that you can “set and forget” so to speak. I am not a huge fan of powder to blot shine, but I just use blotting papers and they do the trick. It takes less than a minute and you can just do that a couple of times throughout the day.
J
Agreed! My skin is super oily, and I rely heavily on oil blotting sheets.
I have tried and did not love mineral foundation. It doesn’t provide enough coverage for my liking; I’m pale, and my skin scars and also reddens pretty easily. I use a cream foundation, and actually top that with a mineral powder foundation if I need my makeup to last a long time.
But really. The blotting is the main thing that helps. I’ve tried mattifying primers, and they do work well for special occasions, but your skin will start to compensate by making even more oil if you use them regularly.
Herbie
I too use Peter Roth Anti-Shine Mattifying Gel plus blotting papers. Works like a charm.
P
Coming from someone who’s been there before – you’re probably not going to find a solution in your foundation. If your skin, like mine, is still pumping out oil underneath it (gross, sorry) it’s going to break through no matter how good the foundation is. I’ve tried putting milk of magnesia underneath my makeup as a primer, and that actually worked quite well by preventing shine instead of covering it up.
I also had really good luck with the oil cleansing method for a while, but my skin is not great in general and I had some other issues with blackheads and such. Although it would seem counterproductive to fight oil with oil, it completely solved my problem with shine, which was incredible.
Brooklyn Paralegal
How heavy do you want your coverage to be? You might try Laura Mercier’s oil-free tinted moisturizer, which I find to be really nice. I wear it in the summer when my face is essentially an oil slick. If you want more coverage, I really like Makeup Forever’s HD Invisble Cover Foundation. I would also recommend a translucent powder to absorb oil without giving you a cakey look.
Also, make sure you moisturize every morning and every night! It seems counter-intuitive, but when your skin is dry it over-produces sebum (oil). I use either CeraVe AM moisturizer or Olay lotion (both have SPF and I love them) in the morning, and then use Korres Greek Yoghurt face moisturizer at night. You might also consider changing your cleanser if your skin is continually oily. (I highly recommend Murad products. They’re pricey, but totally worth it.)
This is what worked for me (my skin is dry as hell during the winter and super oily during the summer), so YMMV.
Calla
I have SUPER oily skin. My recommendation is first make sure you’re doing a pre-makeup skincare routine that works – don’t overload on anti-oily products, don’t skip moisturizer, make sure it’s about balance. If that’s taken care of, I’m currently using Benefit Porefessional primer, and Urban Decay’s Naked liquid foundation set with Too Faced Primed and Poreless Compact Powder. This makes my face totally matte (but not in a cakey way), but that means I get to the end of the work day with minimal shine (I blot maybe once).
Brooklyn Paralegal
Not the OP, but I totally forgot about Urban Decay’s Naked! Next time I run out of foundation I think I’m going to switch back to that.
Calla
It’s so great! I’ve tried a few others out of curiosity since I started using Naked, but nothing I’ve found beats it for me.
Brooklyn Paralegal
The only thing comparable for me was Dr. Jart’s BB cream, which is good when I want fairly sheer coverage. I liked that Naked was more buildable, and has so many shades!
Anonymous
I just switched to the Hourglass Mineral Veil primer and their mattifying foundation. I still need to use an oil blotting sheet mid-afternoon, but it is SO much better than when I was using Bare Minerals or Laura Mercier primer+tinted moisturizer (both of which made my face an oil slick and also just looked terrible coverage-wise).
Mrs. Jones
Make Up For Ever HD is awesome.
Lyra Silvertongue
Try the new Tarte powder foundation. It’s been holding up very well for me and gives pretty decent coverage.
tk1
I use Tarte poreless primer and it keeps the oil at bay all day. Without it I am an oil slick by noon. I also use Tarte shadow primer, which keeps my shadow on all day, instead of the 2 hours I get with no primer.
Ella
Advice needed – there’s been a lot of thoughtful posts recently about miscarriages here so I thought I would pose this question here.
A mentor (who I have a very good personal relationship with) just miscarried and I want to acknowledge the loss. What is the best way to do so? She lives and works in different parts of NYC than I do so I am hesitant to get a spa gift cert or the like since I have no idea what places she visits (and I know that she definitely has set places).
Maybe a mass card with a kind note ? Perhaps a giftcard to seamless or something so that she can get takeout? Should I not even bring it up again, she told me the sad news in person and I expressed my condolences then? If I do send something should I send them to her office or home?
She has an exceptionally demanding job and has young kids already too if that helps. Thanks!
Need other pieces for this dress
FWIW, I got a pedicure set after my first miscarriage, which I thought was really odd (it was nice, but the sort of thing that would be OK as a shower gift). It was a very nice set, but it just felt weird to receive (which I did without judging: I was many of my people’s initiation into this sorority and am now our elder in that department as we, sadly, get new members).
I would go with what you’d do for a funeral or sad occasion: casseroles, a note, flowers, something you’d do for grief in your faith (or the other person’s faith).
And if you know her home address, I’d send anything there (I appreciated not having additional triggers to burst into tears at work).
Ella
I was thinking of doing something spa-ish because this seems like a time when you really need some TLC given the physical and emotional components of the loss. Glad to hear not to try to go down that path. I will stick with the note/mass card sent to her apartment.
Thanks all!
RoRo
Since she told you in person, I think a card with a nice note would be lovely. I had a miscarriage in December and was touched by everyone who followed up with me to see how I was doing. I don’t think a gift is necessary, but being thought of would probably make her feel very good.
preg anon
+ 1
Ella
Thanks for this. So should I follow up with a note in a week or two? She just told me the sad news this week when we met up for coffee but it happened several weeks earlier.
KLG
I completely agree with RoRo. I really appreciated the people who shot me an email a few weeks later to ask how I was doing. Because honestly, while I was very sad when it first happened, it actually took a little while to sink in and it really like 2 or 3 weeks later that I hit a week of being really depressed about it. I didn’t need gifts or food or spa or anything but it was nice to have people ask me if I was doing okay because it made me feel like they cared and like I wasn’t completely ridiculous for still being sad about it weeks/months later.
mascot
A nice note and some food (giftcard is fine). Bonus points for food options that are easy to feed for kids.
preg anon
Hey, gals. Someone on here asked for a post on postpartum dressing, and I wanted to let her know it is now up. Thanks!
NOLA
The discussion about how the Duchess of Cambridge wore a maternity dress for the family photos is very interesting. A lot of people are saying that they applaud the fact that she is behaving more like a normal woman than a celebrity. But it certainly has drawn a lot of attention!
preg anon
Yeah, I agree, especially because she just naturally sets the bar really high, you know? Everybody is acting like she is just letting it all hang out there, which she is, but she’s still really tiny. It’s not her fault at all, she is just a tiny person, but it’s just interesting how they’re all freaking out about her teeny tiny belly.
Anonymous
She wasn’t always tiny, there were a few years in there that she was quite big. I think she works hard to maintain her slim figure now
mintberrycrunch
your “quite big” and my “quite big” have wildly different definitions.
Little Red
You’re joking right? She was NEVER big period nevermind “quite big”.
Marc Jacobs tote
Does anyone own the Marc by Marc Jacobs Too Hot to Handle Tote?
I typically carry a smaller satchel (car commute and I don’t need to lug papers or laptop with me) but want something larger for the handful of times per year that I need to travel for work.
http://www1.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/marc-by-marc-jacobs-too-hot-to-handle-tote-large?ID=766073&upc_ID=1539918&Quantity=1&seqNo=2&EXTRA_PARAMETER=BAG
JMDS
I own this and love it. I am a lawyer, and it fits files and a laptop when I need to bring them back and forth, but is light enough for everyday as well. The leather is beautiful, and I’ve been happy with the quality of Marc by Marc Jacobs bags. I don’t know if I personally would spend that much on a bag I was going to use only a handful of times a year, but totally up to you.
AIMS
Does anyone use (or has tried) latisse or something similar? My lashes are perfectly average/normal. I can’t really complain. But all my life I have wanted really full, lush, long lashes and I am so tempted to try this. I was also tempted to try lash extensions but that seems like a really expensive process and may ruin my existing lashes in the process(?). FWIW, my eyes are brown so I am not super concerned about the potential pigmentation that can occur. I do wonder if it’s somehow going to lead to other side effects though and certainly don’t think that would be worth it. Would love to hear any personal experiences.
springtime
I am genetically blessed with long dark lashes and I wanted to see how far I could take it (ha!). I have green eyes so latisse was out for me. I bought stimulash and regular application (although less in the last couple of weeks) since the end of June has resulted in noticeably longer lashes. I rarely wear mascara now and sometimes I feel like it looks a bit ‘much’ so I only apply lightly when I do.
I recommend it but I don’t know how long I will keep it up; the stuff is expensive and I might get lazy. I haven’t noticed any side effects.
Anonymous
I have not, but I have had no less than 3 different doctors ask if I used it (unrelated to what I was seeing them for), and all 3 seemed completely horrified by the idea. So I would really ask some docs about the side effects they must have been worried about.
Veronica Mars
Tried Latisse and it was OK. Biggest thing that happened that I wasn’t expecting was that it caused me to have a very dark, wine-colored skin discoloration right where I applied the Latisse every night. It looked a little scary, like I applied a line of wine-colored eyeliner. My normal eyeliner/eyeshadow combo covered it during the day, so it wasn’t much of a big deal. Happened to my mom and sister as well. It did make my lashes longer, but I don’t think it really did anything for thickness, which is what I wanted. Instead of Latisse, I’d recommend buying some falsies and getting good at applying them. Half-lashes and individual are the best for me. Ultimately, when I get the hang of applying a full set, I may splurge on some mink lashes (about $30 online, so cheaper than Latisse) for special occasions. I heard of a bride using mink lashes instead of mascara (no need to worry about crying!) and I thought it was brilliant.
Anon in NYC
A friend used it and said that it worked, but stopped working (her lashes went back to normal) almost as soon as she stopped using it.
AIMS
Thanks, all.
I may look into this stimulash thing. I think my lashes are too “good enough” for me to really get into falsies as I am the type of person that can’t even muster energy to blow dry my hair, but it’s a good idea to keep in mind for special occasions. Probably not going to risk latisse though.
Anonymous
I have used Latisse and currently use the cheaper version, Lumigen. I have super short lashes naturally, and both products work beautifully to make them very long and thick–totally worth the cost. I’ve been using it for about 8 months now and have never had any weird side effects. (I have green eyes, no issues with discoloration.) I also have numerous friends who use Latisse or Lumigen, including a blue-eyed friend, with no issues and great results.
AlaskaLaw
I have been using the original version, Lumigen, for a year now, IN my eyes, because I was diagnosed with glaucoma. Never thought anything about it until my daughter one day said “OMG, look at your lashes!” In my case, it didn’t make my already fairly long lashes thicker, just longer, freakishly longer, kind of like a giraffe’s… but worth it to preserve deterioration of my optic nerve.
Cute pixie hair cuts?
Hey Ladies,
I would appreciate links to any cute pixie cuts that you can find. I’m almost ready to take the plunge but don’t know exactly what I want yet. Any recommendations?
KC
I think Katie Armour (editor of Matchbook mag) has a really cute haircut. If you Google her, there’s quite a few pictures.
TCFKAG
This is my personal favorite pixie cut (I now bring it to the hair dresser with me whenever I go) discovered on [this site].
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/akris-punto-prince-of-wales-two-button-blazer/3417299?siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-w5p.IAmX.LJDmlq3CUWGLA
Diana Barry
I have a short cut but it’s not super pixie short – like Claire Underwood on House of Cards
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm987079168/tt1856010
(Mine is probably a little shorter than the pic)
SunnyD
I don’t have any pictures other than the ones already provided. But I did cut my hair really short about a year ago and absolutely love it. Best hair decision I’ve made. Ever. I’d say go for it!
But, find someone who cuts short hair for women really well. A lot of stylists don’t do short cuts on women well and you’ll be disappointed. Either ask someone you know who has good short hair or stop a woman on the street who has cute short hair. Finally, there can be more maintenance. While I don’t do anything in the mornings other than put gel in my hair (I don’t even use a brush or comb anymore), I do have to get it cut every 6-8 weeks, rather than the every three months or so with longer hair. It’s also great if you work out at night and then want to go out because it’s so easy to fix your hair after taking a shower.
anonymom
Sharon Stone, 1998 Oscars. The volume at the back makes it more flattering than the Michelle Williams pixie, especially if your face is on the round side. I had that haircut for several years but ended up growing it out after I moved to a new city and couldn’t find a stylist who could handle short haircuts for women. I still miss my short hair every morning while I waste 20 minutes with the hairdryer.
zora
This is a really cute pixie
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_FdVN9si5o2o/TCPGHVLUbxI/AAAAAAAAARk/45ZCsxgwQkQ/s1600/pixie-dust.jpg
Parfait
I see what you did there.
zora
:oD
J Crew Sullivan suit?
Has anyone tried out J Crew’s new Sullivan suiting? They’re running a 25% off promo right now, and I’m tempted to try my luck, even though all previous J Crew suit cuts have been too narrow in the shoulders. Except for the Ludlow, which was so long it looked like a novelty suit (very British early 20th century, not that that’s not a good look for certain occasions!).
Thoughts from C’rettes who have been there, done that? Here’s the jacket: http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/blazers/suitingjackets/PRDOVR~03090/03090.jsp.
Or thoughts about broad-shouldered suit jackets generally?
Parfait
I just want to fix her hair. I can’t even see the suit.
Cat
Emma Watson and Michelle Williams both rocked the pixie look last year.
TCFKAG
Also Ginnifer Goodwin, for stars.
Woods-comma-Elle
Ha, I really really do not like her hair!
TCFKAG
Well then, if I ever come to London and hunt you down, I *won’t* hold you down and cut off all your hair in that style. I promise. ;-P Lol.
Susie
Agreed, 100%. I just watched Something Borrowed a few days ago and she was so pretty in that with longer hair.
Anonymous
Michelle Williams’ hair in the new-ish Louis Vuitton campaign is ah-maz-ing.
Interview Beauty Question
I have a question for the hive. I have an upcoming interview in house at a conservative company. While I know what I am doing with regard to suit/shoes/etc., I have no idea what to do about my hair.
I have long wavy hair and a very oblong face. In my business casual law firm environment, I usually put product in it and allow it to do its thing, I wear my hair down 80-90 percent of the time — even to court. The natural volume of my hair is flattering to my face shape, and my hair is thick and not frizzy. The only time I wear my hair up is either on the top of my head in a sock bun style (my hair is so thick I don’t need the sock), or (not at work) in a high volume side braid.
I have tried many times to rock the low ponytail or low bun, but it makes my face look so severe and highlights how long it is (and, to me, is very unflattering). I am not sure what to do about the interview though. Any other hairstyle suggestions that would be more flattering and still interview appropriate for a conservative interview?
Cat
I’m not sure your normal look isn’t interview appropriate! As long as you’re not flipping it around and twirling it, it sounds like wearing it your normal style would work best. If you’re really concerned, perhaps try pinning only the top part back, but I wouldn’t worry. Whatever makes you feel your best and on your game!
mintberrycrunch
Could you do half-up with a barrette? That would keep it out of your face and look a little more “done,” but still provide you with the length that you like. I would maybe even use a large barreled curling iron on the waves that are down to smooth them if they look a little unruly (although you said you don’t experience frizz – I’m so jealous!).
Veronique
How about a bun at the back of your head like this: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pgLqznwoSaY/Te0LU95Qt6I/AAAAAAAAAPI/d1pqchZB5RM/s320/BALLERINA-BUN-hairstyle-updo1.jpg
It’s not as severe as a low bun but more conservative than a high bun.
If not, keep it back off your face with some type of half up/half down hairstyle, headband, bobby pins or hair combs.
Baconpancakes
I know it’s tricky with long, thick hair, but a gibson roll usually creates enough volume at the sides that I don’t feel as severe as with a tight bun, but because it’s completely pulled away from your face, it looks very professional. I personally think it’s this generation’s french twist, but I may be deluding myself.
WJM-TV
+1 Love the Gibson roll, though I still need more practice!
Veronique
I have attempted to style my (curly) hair into a gibson roll but haven’t been able to make it work. When you’re twisting your hair back, how do you get the first side to stay put while you’re twisting the second side?
Baconpancakes
Sides?
These are the tutorials I’ve used, for two takes on it.
http://saralynnpaige.com/style/simple-gibson-tuck/
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/06/diy-wedding-hair-gibson-roll.html
Veronique
I’ve seen some examples like this (http://www.freckled-fox.com/2012/08/hair-tutorial-gibson-tuck.html) where they also twist the sides but I guess it isn’t necessary.
Baconpancakes
Rawr moderation
Anon
I have similar hair, though mid-length, that looks best down, and I recently successfully interviewed with a conservative company. I just went over the top layer with a round brush to make it a little smoother than normal and used a teeny bit of hairspray (something I normally never do) to keep any strays at bay. As long as it stays out of your face and doesn’t move around a whole lot, I think it’s better to stick with what works for you.
Brooklyn Paralegal
I agree about wearing your hair in the way you feel most comfortable. I think wearing your hair down is fine as long as it looks polished. You don’t want to wear it in a style that you don’t feel comfortable in, because you’ll be worrying about that instead of focusing all your attention on the interview itself. If you’re really worried about it, maybe get a nice barrette and clip the top layer back so it’s pulled off your face?
zora
I agree. I keep my hair down for interviews, but I do a little bit more with the blowdryer/round brush or flat iron to give it shape in the front and make sure it will stay out of my face. And put a little tiny bit of hairspray to keep it that way in case I hit wind on the way to the interview, etc. But if that’s how you’re comfortable, go with it, and make sure you don’t play with it during the interview, and you’ll be fine!
Batgirl
I could use some fashion advice, friends. I’m having trouble figuring out how to wear my straight-leg work pants without looking like the Penguin. I already own a few pairs in different colors, and they’re all stretchy in the waist, which is probably why I bought them.
Here’s what makes it tricky: I have skinny legs, but am short-waisted and short and tend to be middle-heavy. Just to make things fun, I’m also petite in the shoulder/chest area. I’m looking for tops that will work with the straight-legged silhouette without making me look pregnant. Are flowy tops the answer? Long cardigans?
I’m at a loss. I feel like wide-legged pants look better on my frame, but I also feel like I dress a bit frumpy for my age (34) with wide pants and flowy tops.
Thanks!
hellskitchen
The right structured peplum could help disguise the middle but still be professional and un-frumpy. I only do flowy tops with skinnies because with straight or wide legged pants, they just don’t feel sharp.
Pear
Are you me?
Straight legs are different than wide legs. I do straight legs and slight boot cuts, but can’t do wide legs. I’m only 5-4, so I can get stumpy fast.
And I can’t do flowy shirts — they hide the smallness of my small parts and just make me look like a Before picture.
To the extent I have a pants uniform, it is dark below-my-natural waist straight-leg or moderate boot-cut bottoms that I take to an unforgiving tailor to make sure that they really fit and are hemmed for the shoes I’ll actually be wearing. The top is usually bright, light and/or patterned to move the eye off of the pear, but it is usually trim, lightweight, and has no excess volume especially near the waist (so cowlneck can be OK). Maybe some bit of flair (necklace / scarf)? Cardigans can be tricky (can make the middle boxy where it isn’t) unless you structure them in some way or they have some visual structure already (so sometimes jackets work).
S in Chicago
I think the biggest trick with straight and wide leg styles is to get the right pant length. If the pants are too short, it can easily make you look too square. Better to err too long vs. too short. I think it’s also helpful to look at proportion overall. Wide(ish) legs look best with tops that aren’t too blousy–otherwise, you’re apt to look larger than you are. I think it also helps to give focus to a waist being narrowest by adding a crop-length blaser or cardigan.
Costco Memory Foam Mattress Topper
I know I’ve seen these recommended on this site previously – which brand do people like?
preg anon
I asked about mattresses from Costco the other day, and I’m pretty sure people were recommending the Kirkland brand, which is Costco’s store brand.
Senior Attorney
I have the Kirkland brand topper. I don’t think I knew they carried other brands.
SunnyD
I have this dress in a different pattern and love it. And I get lots of compliments on it. I’m 5’9″, 145 lbs, 34C, and wear the small. As I have long legs, it’s a bit on the short side (does not reach my knee), but that’s not a problem in my office. It’s as comfortable as wearing pajamas to work.
I bought mine a year ago and it still looks great. I have a front-load washing machine and put mine in the washer without any problems. I stretch it out flat to dry.
NYC
This is helpful. Can anyone else comment on sizing of this brand? I have never heard of it, but they have some good work stuff. I hate s/m/l sizing, because I am firmly a size 10. If the medium runs small, I’m out of luck (unless it runs really small in which case L works).
SunnyD
I bet the medium would fit you. And it’s Nordstrom so great shipping and returns!
Kelly
Oh sh*t I just ordered this in medium but based on your comment I think I got the sizing wrong.
zora
Oh no, you are KILLING ME. I want this so bad…. but as I said during the Week of Dresses, I never wear dresses, and I should really stop buying so many.
Bonnie
I tried on this dress in a different pattern and think it runs big. I’m usually an 8 and the medium was too loose.
hellskitchen
A very dear friend just lost her 4 day old baby. My heart breaks for her but she lives far away and I can’t visit her. I want to send something other than flowers. She has family nearby to take care of food etc. She also has an older child. Any suggestions for what I can send her and her family?
Anon
I found myself in a similar situation when a dear friend lost a pregnancy at 39 weeks. A heartfelt card will mean a lot. Also – continue to reach out to her in the weeks/months to come, as she will continue to feel the loss acutely for some time. Finally, I have a note in my calendar for my friend’s son’s “birthday” and I always call or write to let her know I”m thinking of her and her family, and I know it means a lot to her that I remember many years later.
Hugs to both of you. It’s a sh*tty situation in which there truly is very little you can say.
Diana Barry
OMG, that is awful. Is there any charity to which they would like donations sent? That’s the only thing I can think of if food/flowers are out…
mascot
Can you send something for the older child? The adults in his/her life are very sad and pre-occupied so it might be nice to give that child a bright spot with a new toy to pass the time.
Wildkitten
+1
cbackson
I’ve never been in this situation, but I think that the greatest gift you can give her is love. One thing that made a big difference for me when I got divorced was the kindness and support of friends and family who kept reaching out to me after the initial weeks and months had passed, to let me know that they were thinking about me and that they were there if I needed to talk. It’s easy as a grieving person to feel like, after the first crisis phase, that people don’t want to hear about it anymore.
hellskitchen
These are all great ideas. I like the idea of donating something to charity, sending something to the older child and marking this date as well as setting reminders to call her regularly. Thank you ladies
S in Chicago
I know with some of my mom’s friend’s losses through the years (deaths of many kinds), she has had a tree/rose bush/etc. planted in honor in addition to acknowledging in other ways (unfortuantely, not sure what organization she did it through). But it might be worth investigating. I think the sentiment that the world has been touched in some way or that there is a lasting change due to loss is a very sweet one.
Silvercurls
“I think the sentiment that the world has been touched in some way or that there is a lasting change due to loss is a very sweet one.”
Yes, this x 1,000.
calibrachoa
So I went looking for a new statement necklace and came away with a new suit and 2 pairs of winter boots. Oops. But the boots were
70% off so I don’t feel bad. (Statement necklace also acquired for €5. Score.
E
TJ
http://www.raptitude.com/2010/07/your-lifestyle-has-already-been-designed/ “Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Deisgned”
A male friend posted that on facebook. It’s worth a read. Attempting to make us resent the 40 hour work week and how unnecessary it is. But after reading “Why Women Can’t Have It All” and all the responses that came out of it, I find myself being grateful I even have a 40something hour work week. Thoughts?
Kim
Man, that article is a terrible leap of logic! As if restaurant meals and not exercising are a condition of 40-hour a week employment. Maybe 80-hour weeks, but not 40!
MH
I thought the article was very naive–kind of like conversations between 23-year olds a year out of college that you overhear in a coffee shop. As a lawyer, the 40-hour + work week is absolutely necessary. And I do much more than 3 hours of “real” work a day.
I guess ultimately it depends on whether or not you like your job. If you truly don’t like your job, then 40-hour weeks will be pretty bad, regardless of your pay. I like my job (generally), so if I can get away with a 40-hour week, I consider it a pretty good week! I get to do something intellectually stimulating for a reasonable amount of time, push myself and learn things, interact with people that I enjoy and respect, all while making a decent wage. Leaving work at 5:00 gives me plenty of time to work out, make dinner, and enjoy some nice down time.
E
Yeah I guess that’s the problem I have with it. I get the point it’s trying to make, but if you’re only working 40 hours a week you actually have plenty of time to do stuff. He didn’t even cover the fact that many of us spend at least 10 hours a week commuting which if anything can be more maddening.
Brooklyn Paralegal
I ordered a jacket from ASOS and paid for express shipping. It was supposed to arrive by today at the latest, and when I track it, it says its still in transit in the UK. Can anyone comment as to the timeliness of ASOS orders? Do they usually come on time, or have you found that your deliveries are late? I’m in the US (which I suppose is obvious, given my handle).
E
My shipping with them has always been on time. If it isn’t on time, that makes me wonder if it got tripped up at customs.
Susie
I haven’t used them so I don’t know if that’s normal, but I’d call and ask them to refund the shipping if you paid extra for expedited and it didn’t arrive in that timeframe.
Nonny
I recently ordered a skirt from ASOS and it took a good two weeks to reach me (Western Canada). It was annoying given that I’ve recently ordered other things from the UK that have reached me within 3 days, but I guess since the shipping was free I can’t really complain.
Nonny
Woops, sorry, missed the part where you said you paid for express shipping. Contact them for sure and ask for a refund for the shipping cost.
Brooklyn Paralegal
I ordered a pair of shoes from them once (and I still have them…they’re great shoes!) and they took a full two weeks to get to me. I was FURIOUS. I ordered them for an event and wound up wearing something else because I didn’t have them in time. I only do express shipping now.
BTW, they have free express shipping on orders over $140 right now. FYI to anyone else who likes ASOS.
If FedEx doesn’t deliver my package today, I’ll definitely contact them and ask for a refund for shipping. Thanks ladies!
Leigh
I also ordered something for an event, and added on another item to hit the $140 mark. I paid with PayPal. I got an email that my items would be here in two weeks., even though I selected Express Shipping. When I contacted them, they told me the $140 Express Shipping option doesn’t work with PayPal, and they couldn’t do anything to help me. They also couldn’t send another dress express, because they were out of my size. I will never rely on them for on time deliveries again.
E
I’m surprised to hear all these negative ASOS experiences. I think I’ve made 4-5 orders and returned items from those orders on three different occasion and the process went very smoothly.
@ Leigh
I’ve never ordered from ASOS so I have no skin in the ASOS-yay-or-nay game, but this seems to be more of a Paypal issue than ASOS. I know people who’ve had this problem at several other retailers–for example, Lululemon frequently sells out of hotly anticipated items almost immediately after they are uploaded in the middle of the night. People on Lulu boards know not to use Paypal for these orders because the Paypal order takes *days* to process and by then the item is sold out. Based on that an other store examples I’ve seen, I would never use Paypal for a time-sensitive order.
Halfnhalf
TJ! Ladies, I’m so stressed right now! (Not really looking for advice, just need to vent!)
I just graduated from law school in May, took the bar (and feel like I failed) and am now in the process of moving of moving across the country in two weeks to start my new job (new employer does not allow bar retakes because of how the state’s student practice act is set up). New job starts before bar results come out.
The area I’m moving to has an extremely expensive housing market that is on par with NYC / SF levels, even in the outlying areas. Given a combination of family circumstances which are out of my control, very few landlords / apartment communities will rent to my family despite our good rental history. While we finally found a place that will accept us, we are paying a premium for it and the idea of being locked into an expensive lease without knowing whether I passed the bar or not (and therefore without knowing whether I’ll be able to keep my job or not) is causing me extreme anxiety. I know I’m lucky to even have a job since so many of my former classmates are still looking (and it’s job that I’m very excited about) but the stress of this experience is making me crazy!
B
Any decently prepared person feels like they failed the bar. I am not saying this to make you feel better. I literally thought that my having failed the NY bar was a possibility, and I have never ever felt like that in my life. Usually it’s been, what?! I got 2 wrong and got 780 instead of 800?!
You are probably fine. It’s out of your control. If it makes you feel better, look at the bar passage rates and if it’s anything like NY, just tell yourself, well, at least I only had to do better than 25% of test takers.
Woods-comma-Elle
Yes, agree, I was convinced I’d failed the bar mostly because there is no obvious benchmark. It depends so much on how well other people do. From what I hear, the CA July exam was a monster and had some total left-field questions in it – if I’d taken that bar, I wouldn’t have had a clue, but the point is, you will not be the only one who feels this way and if you thought it was hard, chances are, so did everyone else and this will be reflected in the grading.
I came out of the bar thinking I had probably failed. The girl next to me was pretty convinced she had passed. Actual outcome was the opposite – I passed, she failed.
Agree with B that most people feel they failed. You can’t worry about it now or you will go crazy (easier said than done). Concentrate on doing well at your job and then even if you don’t pass, you will have good experience and better chances of finding another one.
PS. ask for a break clause in your lease to be able to terminate with, say, two months notice at six months.
Anonymous
This was me last year. Honestly, the only way to relax is to acknowledge that here is literally nothing you can do at this point. I even moved my stuff out of the office the night before the results were due (…and then sat in my apt stewing for an extra 2 days thanks to hurricane Sandy). I actually made a list of my backup plans (#1 flee the country). Frankly it helps to not be attached to the job yet, I told myself I could take the extra time to look for an even better job if I did get fired/had to retake.
Also, you can always sublet.
M-C
I know it may seem like more trouble up front, but how about a storage unit, and a furnished business-apartment type of rental till you get your results? If you’re moving to new-expensive-area only because of the job you may lose, committing to a lease there is just not reasonable. You’ll have a hectic time moving after you start, but if everything’s pretty much packed up and ready to go, and you can send movers from far away with minimal supervision, you’d certainly be better off. And in my experience it takes at least a few months of living somewhere to decide where you really want to live.
Brant
Hoe long will you be at the job before your bar results come out? I assume 3ish months? Can you ensure you save every penny of your paychecks between now until then to give yourself some wiggle room in case you are out of a job this fall?
Also, even if you get locked into a lease, leases can be broken (with penalty). If you happen to be in Massachusetts, for example, the laws here are incredibly in favor of the tenant. My experience has always been that the landlord is willing to work with you as long as s/he isn’t stuck with an empty apartment and no rent paid. So if you do have to move, do everything you can to get a sub-letter or a replacement tenant.
Is there another adult member of your family that will be working? I’d ensure literally every penny is set aside in case of emergency. It will not only help you out if/when the time comes, but it will put your mind at ease. I’m not one to EVER suggest avoiding retirement savings, but you may even want to take the % of your paycheck you’d normally put toward retirement adn put that in savings for now…then deposit a lump sum into retirement once you’ve figured out your bar passing situation.
Blonde Lawyer
As a landlord, I’m very curious what legal reason landlords have to not want to rent to your family. Lots of adults beyond the usual occupancy limits? Lots of large dogs? I’m kind of stumped. I hope I’m not being too nosy.
smallaw
yes, I wondered this too!
SD Girl
I know how you feel. I took the California bar this past July and it was a killer. I sometimes can’t sleep because I keep thinking about all the issues or arguments that I could have written. And just like you, my job requires bar passage the first go around. I was lucky enough to land a job at a biglaw firm which is rare at my school so I am so scared of losing it. Thanks to all the ladies for your comments and encouragement.
anon
I’m having one of those days where I wish I could just go home and change. I thought about running home at lunch since I live close by but that would be weird to come back to work in a different outfit. I felt a bit frumpy before I left the house. I’m wearing a white and yellow patterned pencil skirt from Ann Taylor, white tee (we have a pretty casual office), and black Cole Haan flats. Does this sound bad and/or super boring?
The biggest mistake I made was not sitting down in this skirt until I got to work. Holy uncomfortable. Oh well for today I guess.
mascot
The outfit sounds cute and fine. You could always “spill” something on your skirt and justify an outfit change.
Susie
Actually your outfit sounds really cute to me. Yellow is bright and happy, nothing boring or frumpy about it! Once a receptionist confessed to me that she had an “accident” and had to go home to change, so now if I were to see someone in a different outfit I would wonder about that.
anon
Thanks, ladies. I could also be feeling frumpy because I’ve gained a few pounds. Summer is never kind to my waistline (beer, BBQs, etc.).
Cornellian
I found my half-sister (16 years older) online several years ago. Last winter she and I met for the first time for dinner in D.C. when she was there for work. This weekend, I’m flying down to meet her husband and two daughters (entering 4th and 6th grade).
I am at a loss as to what gifts to bring. Maybe something for the girls about NYC (where I live)? They’re apparently both pretty enthusiastic about school and generally outgoing… How about the parents? I don’t think there’s established gift etiquette here!
Woods-comma-Elle
I have no tips, but I remember this story and this is awesome!
Cornellian
It is awesome. also scary!
TBK
I’m sure girls that age would love stuff from NYC. But what if you called your sister and asked what the girls are into? I’m sure she’d be thrilled you were being so thoughtful about her children, and the girls would be pretty impressed with Aunt Cornellian if she already knew they were super into [X thing].
Cornellian
I did ask, and she said they were easy to please. Apparently they’re both in to math and science, so maybe a book about the iconic skyscraper where I work? I don’t think clothing is a great idea, and their family is financially comfortable so my go to gifts for young cousins (paying for a school trip or shopping trip) is out.
rosie
I think that a book about the skyscraper sounds like an awesome idea for the girls.
For the parents, I would go with a standard host/hostess gift–wine if you know they drink, bottle of fancy olive oil. You could also bring some NY bagels or a similar food item.
Godzilla
How about a model of the Empire State Building or something that they can build together? Like a 3D puzzle.
AIMS
The Metropolitan Museum Store (and lots of places online) sell 3d puzzles of the Chrysler Building, the ESB, and the BK Bridge.
Brant
I grew up in a financially comfortable family…but still loved it when my aunt gave me a little shopping trip for christmas/my birthday. She’d take me to lunch, we’d hit the mall and buy something that would make my dad/mom roll their eyes (ie trendy) but still be within the realm of what I’d be allowed to wear.
Cornellian
Yeah. I think that could be a neat idea, but I feel like I should show up very deferential to their family, if that makes sense. It’s not like they even knew they had an aunt until now.
Kanye East
Jewelry. Always jewelry.
;)
Cornellian
I’m now picturing her husband wearing a choker.
Wildkitten
Pencil cases! Everyone loves pencil cases.
Manager by Day, Mom at Night
Thanks to the poster who posted a link to the site Raptitude, I’ve been proscrastinating and browsing through it; I came to one post titled “A question for women” (link below). It’s about a game show featured on This American Life and preteen girls who make themselves seem less smart. An excerpt: “Pressures related to appearance and body image among young women are well-documented and much-discussed, but this was the first time it was suggested to me that deliberately appearing not so smart (or at least not so interested) might be part of that.”
I have a 14 month daughter and we actively try to read to her every day; for every time we laud her for being “cute” we make sure to tell her she did something very smart or very brave. But I wanted to repeat his question for the hive and learn from your experiences: Did you ever feel pressure, from friends or others, not to appear too smart, or at least to avoid appearing to have geek-level interests? How do I preempt or prepare my daughter for that seemingly inevitable stage in her life?
Anon
There is a time where academics define some people (or sports, or being pretty, or being “something”). It is a horrible time, in that the world seems to focus on one aspect of a person and not that the person is in fact a human being, with many aspects to him or her. So, if you are Smart, you will be sick of being Smart and strive to be something else (or just duck, in which case you try to pass as Not-Smart[or worse]). That is also not honoring the whole self that you are while it defames an aspect that is positive. Instead of trying to be Not-Smart, perhaps it is time to encourage them to be Kind, Funny, Good at [Something], etc.
I was Smart. I was also Tall (so my hunching over is an attempt to blend in with the rest of the world). I couldn’t do anything about them and was grateful to have had enough in my life that I wasn’t devastated when my world got larger and I was no longer Smart (just a person). I also eventually became Of Average Height.
Something that’s immutable or involuntary, I’d never make a big deal out of with a child (positive or negative). And I’d focus on what they chose to do and praise the heck out of that.
For acting dumb around guys or where a lot of attention is paid to you, it may just be a comfort level thing or trying to be approachable (and not egg-headed). I can see it from both sides (I give CLEs on a dry and technical and math-y area and try to make it very, very user friendly and chatty so I don’t run into the OMG SO HARD reaction).
I have daughters (who are currently very tall for their age).
R
This is a great comment. I mentor a lot of young girls (middle school age) and want to add a lot of this is confidence. No kid – girl or boy – is totally immune to self-doubt, but the kids who mostly like themselves tend to have a better time with peer pressure.
There are various theories in how to instill confidence, but I personally like giving kids a safe space to try and fail. For example, let a middle aged child “own” dinner once a week. He/she gets to order for the family at a fast food place, or plan a meal, shop for the ingredients, and prepare most of it. (I haven’t met a kid older than 7 that is incapable of cutting vegetables and preparing items on the stovetop, supervised of course.)
Pay attention to the child’s actual strengths and give examples of how they can apply it. “You’re doing a great job taking care of the stuffed dog, and I know you just got an A on your math homework. Maybe we can go volunteer with the local animal shelter’s fundraiser next month and you can help count the money.”
I don’t have a lot of experience with toddlers/preschoolers, but I imagine some version of this is applicable to those ages too.
Ru
This is awful and you’re a great mom for worrying about this but I get the “dumb yourself down” speech from my own parents. Yeah. I am not supposed to talk about my education or work or any other successful event in my life in front of marriageable men so that they don’t feel intimidated. It’s very weird being held to very high standards all of my life and then being regarded as “too successful” for men who can’t deal with their egos.
The best part is that not talking about these things doesn’t work. Eventually, it comes out. And then they get annoyed that you were metering information. Like I tell my parents, trix are for kids.
TBK
I never did, but I went to a school that, while not single sex, was decidedly female dominated (it was widely known and accepted that the girls’ sports teams got all the money and new equipment while no one cared about the boys’ teams — how many schools have that problem?). Also, it was almost entirely made up of “smart” kids who were actively seeking intellectual engagement (at the ages of 12-18) so we were already deep in dork/nerd/extra-smart territory. My husband, however, went to a very typical public high school and, while he was one of the smartest kids there and in AP everything, he actively played down his intelligence to fit in. He still is very conscious of what’s “dorky” and what’s not (even though he embraces a lot of “dorky” hobbies). So I’m not sure it’s entirely gender-related.
Anon
I agree that this is not entirely due to gender. My brother and I both did well in school and that became a big part of our identities in middle/high school. I remember a period of time when he got tired of being teased, and purposely bombed a few assignments so he could casually leave a quiz with a “C+” on his desk for others to notice (of course, being the smart kid he was, he knew exactly what score he could get to maintain an overall A…).
I think the key is to recognize that people have many different talents. Being proud of your daughter’s accomplishments will help her understand that doing the things you enjoy well (whether that’s math league or swimming or Girl Scouts) is a rewarding thing even if those interests don’t match up with what everyone else is doing.
Cc
Agree not gender related. Being smart in some schools/ areas is just not cool. One of the reasons i chose the college i did was everyone seemed so nerdy. it was awesome! felt like a big relief.
When you’re older, I’m always surprised when women say men are intimidate by smart women. I’ve never had a guy have a problem with how much I make or how smart I am. But this is probably also a location specific issue.
B
I’ve had NYC Ivy grads turn away from my friend and me because we were from a different “better” Ivy. This is before we even talked about what we do for a living.
That is too funny
Here in flyover country, I am guessing which those are and smiling.
I used to work at a BigLaw firm in DC. This place hired a lot of Supreme Court clerks. I sat on their floor but was treated as if I were there as some sort of sheltered-workplace program b/c of my pedigree (I am not a dog, BTW) and practice area (not supreme court litigation, although in a subject matter area what generates it).
I walked past a “my kid beat up your honors student” bumper sticker one day when I was there and realized that I had gone over to the side of the kid and was no longer the honors student.
S
I did. And then I got into a geeky high school and it was a huge huge relief to be there.
AIMS
I must say that I never felt this. The closest I can say I’ve come to it is purposefully using simpler vocabulary words in certain situations where I thought I may not be understood.
I am not sure if this is because of how I was raised but I was raised to think that being smart was one of the greatest virtues, if not the greatest virtue. My parents always praised me for being smart and bragged about it to our relatives, my mom also always talked about how she fell for my dad because he was so brilliant and intellectual, both my parents always just made it clear that being brainy was a good thing even if it was just in the way they talked about other people (praising someone for being witty, or going on about how so-and-so spoke different languages or was able to recite poetry by heart, etc.).
Obviously, education is not always indicative of intelligence but I also grew up in an evironment where it was just a given that education is something to achieve and strive for. I’m not sure if there is anything specific that my parents really did but I think that the fact they clearly prized being smart made me internalize it as a good thing. I haven’t really dated in years now, but I can tell you that with boys, I basically always sought to impress them with how smart I was. Dumbing myself down never really even occured to me. And if that ever alienated some guys, I can’t say, but to the extent that it did, I was never really interested in those types of men.
Nonny
I had an experience similar to AIMS. I always felt really good about being smart and my parents really valued intelligence and learning. It would never even have occurred to me to dumb myself down.
I think it also helped somewhat that I was encouraged to be myself and have lots of interests, so I started to value being my own person at an early age and didn’t think it was necessary to tailor my public persona to other people’s expectations (boys or otherwise). I took it for granted that the people who were worth having as my friends would like me for myself.
mascot
I had similar experiences. Either I was mostly surrounded by kids who were also smart and therefore didn’t care about my being smart or, as I got older and started dating, guys were attracted to me, in part, for being smart.
Brooklyn Paralegal
This is interesting to me, because my parents have always been proud of my academic accomplishments, but neither of my parents are college educated. It was a huge deal that I got into college and then graduated, because I was the first in my immediate family to do that, but when I start talking about academics, politics, literature–you name it, really–my parents sometimes take the defensive because they think I’m being pretentious.
I believe that they are very proud of me, but when I became an adult and got to the point where I wasn’t just getting good grades but could discuss real-world things and actually disagree with them and back my argument up, it evolved into at least a partial issue of my surpassing my parents’ (academic) intelligence.
Kanye East
I moved around a lot growing up–went to lots of different schools in lots of different states–and I felt like “smart is not cool” was the prevailing attitude among my peers.
That changed when I went to an all-girls school; I don’t think single-sex education is perfect for everybody, but I thrived. Nobody made fun of me for liking science or getting good grades or going to museums for fun (and nobody hassled me to copy my homework, either.)
Nonny
That’s actually a really interesting comment. While girls can be really mean and nasty, I have also found that when growing up, I was always most comfortable being myself in a single-sex environment. There was just less of the inevitable tension that occurs in a mixed-sex environment (even at a young age, before girls start being “interested” in boys and vice versa).
TBK
If we can afford it and it’s right for our kids, we’re strongly considering single-sex education. I think it can help kids not pigeon-hole subjects as a “girl” subject (music, art, creative writing) or a “boy” subject (math, science, computers). Also, the majority (although obviously not all) girls are better at sitting still and being quiet, and prefer cooperative learning while the majority (although obviously not all) boys are better with more physical activity and competition. It seems that if you have a kid who fits these majorities, it would be helpful to have him/her in an environment that caters to that learning style.
Nonny
Yes, I’m considering this too if we can afford it.
One anecdote that I find interesting is this: In Canada, Scouts used to be boys only. In the past 10 years or so, they started accepting girls too. When Scouts go to camp, they are given duties to do – which are assigned by patrol, not according to gender. However, curiously, the kids tend to divide up tasks by gender regardless. For instance, if one patrol is assigned clean-up duty after dinner, it is often the girls who end up washing dishes/cleaning up the kitchen, and the boys will go collect firewood. The kids still pigeon-hole one another, even if their adult leaders aren’t encouraging it.
Anon
I don’t think I ever felt pressure to dumb myself down. But I do want to mention that I think feeling pressure to be smart (or academically successful) can be just as damaging to a kid as pressure to be pretty or athletic or whatever. There was a study done a few years ago on the effects of praising kids for traits. (“You are so smart!) versus actions (“You worked really hard on that project!”) It made a pretty compelling case that the latter is much more beneficial. Here is an article that touches on the concept. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/in-schools-self-esteem-boosting-is-losing-favor-to-rigor-finer-tuned-praise/2012/01/11/gIQAXFnF1P_story.html
Brooklyn Paralegal
When I was younger I was gangly and tall and read voraciously, and my sister was cute and didn’t read all that much and was considering going into modeling. I became fixated on this very unhealthy (and, to some degree, invented) dichotomy between Pretty and Smart. Specifically, I believed that I was the smart one and my sister was the pretty one and there was no room for overlap, and that’s just how it was.
It took me YEARS to get out of the stranglehold of this kind of thinking. It certainly wasn’t intentional, but my parents (largely my mother) wound up enforcing the binary between Pretty and Smart (or at least I interpreted it that way), and I did not deal so well with being a teenager and a having a body that all of a sudden was rapidly developing. (I went from tall beanpole to average height with a 32D chest and a little waist and had no idea how to deal with that because it didn’t fit into my paradigm of plain-looking smart girls.) After a horrible, years-long fight with an eating disorder and some serious self-esteem issues (and yes, a lot of therapy), I’ve been able to get out of that kind of thinking.
So I didn’t pretend to not be smart, per se, but I think if I had felt Pretty I would have felt an obligation to not be Smart, because I was convinced for a long time that they were mutually exclusive. (I no longer think that, and often look in the mirror and think I look pretty damn hot! And I’m still pretty smart, I’d like to think.)
KLG
I struggle with this with my 8th grade stepdaughter. I grew up in the affluent suburbs of a major metro area. From kindergarten, we were all expected to go to college. So while being “nerdy” was not cool, there was actually competitive peer pressure to do well in school and to be thought of as “smart” as opposed to “dumb.” Now I live in a rural area where there are not a lot of jobs and therefore not a lot of educated people. In my stepdaugther’s school system, being smart is definitely not cool and I want to cry every time I hear her say “being smart is for losers.” Her dad and I are doing our best to explain why working your hardest and doing well in school is in fact a good thing. So in the meantime, we’re just tying everything to her grades as incentive and emphasizing that it takes hard work (not “being smart”) to get good grades. (Want to get your cartilage pierced? Get straight As first quarter and we’ll take you to get it done. Want to drive when you turn 16? Better maintain a 3.5 GPA or you won’t see the keys.)
Q
I’m curious — what would you do with two sibings, one of whom can get a 3.5 (but perhaps with no work at all) but one of whom struggles to get a 2.5?
FWIW, I was smart, but lazy, and in a small town I couldn’t have hiden that I was smart (but was known for things apart from that). As a parent of very different children, I feel like the younger one is always negatively comparing herself to the older one. They have wildly different talents and I am trying to encourage them to do their best, always, and not to cheat the world out of their gifts.
AlaskaLaw
Mother of a 16 year old here. She was fortunate enough to find herself with a budding group of young hipsters. Smart nerds rule!
Dr. Q
I’m very late to this, but maybe you have email notifications and will see this. The biggest thing that helped was being able to be in advanced classes. Help your aughter get into gifted classes, advanced classes, magnetic programs etc. I always found in these environments girls were “allowed” to be smart and there was absolutely no pressure to play a dumb girl. Being in such an encouraging environment for most of my school life helped give me the self-confidence to be comfortable being smart is other areas of my life.
Manager by Day, Mom at Night
Oops, link here
http://www.raptitude.com/2013/08/a-question-for-women/
Anonymous
What’s the appropriate response to your female boss seeing you in your underwear in the company locker room as you change to go for a run? I think awkwardly ignoring it and not acknowledging her was the wrong move.
Godzilla
Dude, NBD. Acknowledge her next time.
Boston
Just found people getting welfare get more money than I do. And I am a lawyer. It’s not to early to drink right?