Coffee Break: La Petite Robe Noire Lip & Cheek Tint

139 Comments

1. I love Princess Kate. She has the baby, a few hours later apparently says “well, it’s been real and all but I’m out,” puts on her cute red dress and goes home. Go on girl – I guess – I mean, you could stay in the hospital long enough for them to bring you the new mommy meal? Or at least get a massage or something?

   1. She gets all that in spades at home. They must have her in hair and makeup as soon as she finished pushing. 7 hours later!

      1. Yes, I envy her. She, like Diana, is a real breeder. I am sure she was well vetted to ensure the royal lineage. With three now in, she can probably take a rest, but you never know. Now that Prince Harry is marrying, there will be more heirs to the throne, if need be.

         1. Can we not talk about these women like dogs?

         2. Breeder? What the actual…

   2. Yeh I figure that she’s getting the continued medical care and monitoring at hom. ! I was such a wreck after birth and was definitely wobbly on my feet for the first 24 hours, so good for her even being able to walk out of the hospital and into the car!

      1. Seriously! I got an epidural and it took a long time to wear off. I couldn’t walk for about 8 hours after delivery. They had to take me to the recovery room in a wheelchair.

   3. Why do you need to do that when you have a whole staff at home; chefs, your own massage staff, amazing nannies, you name it? Medically permitting, who wouldn’t do this?

      1. Also her leaving is a courtesy to the other mothers in the hospital and their families fighting traffic and crowds to get in and out!

      2. You’re normally supposed to stay for 48 hours to make sure you don’t have postpartum medical complications. It’s not just so you have help taking care of the baby (although that’s nice too). I wouldn’t have wanted to go home the same day even if I had chefs and nannies at home.

         1. “Supposed to”?!? That’s cute. You know standard in the US is 24. hours right?shes fine.

            1. What? Standard in the US is 48 hours for v delivery, 72 for C section with no complications. Obviously she can make her own medical decisions but 48 hours is absolutely the standard. My hospital refused to discharge me before then.

         2. Standard in the UK is 6 hours with no complications.

      3. Not sure if W&K have chefs at their residence, though. They definitely have a nanny (I think her name is Maria).

   4. If I were her, I would much rather be at home than worried about random people taking my picture at the hospital. Fun fact I recently learned: until Diana, all members of the royal family actually gave birth at home, her giving birth at the hospital was apparently somewhat of a big deal.

      1. All women gave birth at home until the 20th century!

         Queen Victoria was the first royal to have pain relief during childbirth and she liked it so much, it grew to be very popular.

         1. Diana gave birth in 1982. Hardly a radical concept by that point though, no?

   5. And nylons and heels! I’ve never given birth but kind of shudder at the thought of putting on nylons. Maybe they are knee highs.

   6. In the UK if you are under the care of a midwife (most women are, unless there’s a medical need for an OB) and you have a uncomplicated vaginal birth, you can leave after a couple hours. She’s probably also really conscious of the absolute circus the hospital turns into, disrupting the staff and normal people.

      1. Same in Canada. You can leave after four hours if you want.

   7. I appreciate how nice they looked. I mean, they could have been in track pants and tees. I wish everyone dressed decently all the time.

      1. People online had a picture of some random couple with their new baby exiting to the huge crowds of reporters. They looked exactly as you would expect new parents to look, and I kind of enjoyed the reassurance that no, Kate looking as great as she does leaving the hospital is an anomaly, and not a normal person thing. Especially in this situation, if you’re not a public figure, I would hope that your major concern would be your health and your new baby, not whether you were “dressed decently” after birthing a baby, however many hours of labor, a vastly altered body, and while profuse bleeding and probably in fair amounts of pain.

      2. I adore the fact that Kate doesn’t hide that she still has a stomach after just having had a baby. It’s so refreshing. What other “celebrity” shows the truth of a woman’s body? Rock on, Kate.

2. Have you done 23 and me or any of those type kits? Any pros or cons? What kind should I get? Any thoughts about getting the health results one?

   1. A con to think about: who has that data on you? how is it kept? how might it be used in the future?

      1. Exactly. Really consider your family’s privacy as well. You aren’t just providing your dna you are also providing dna for your current and future relatives. For me, this extends to health insurance and criminal concerns.

      2. Understand the privacy policies and data sharing thoroughly. It’s not unknown for families to discover that a person they thought was their father or grandfather actually is not; and for previously unacknowledged biological children to be discovered. You might be merely curious about your real ethnic heritage but I know of three families where the older generation’s reaction ranged from shock to vociferous rejection of the results (post WWII immigrants and a southern family) and it created various kinds of family tension.

         1. My mom has one of those stories but not quite as dramatic as finding out about a biological sibling. Due to 23 and Me, a previously unknown cousin was able to find her. Turns out that her uncle had a complete double-life and had 6 children to another woman across the country that no one knew about. Now the entire family knows, and he completely acknowledged it when confronted, but it was totally shocking. My mom is happy to get to know her new cousins, but a really bizarre situation all around.

            1. Do you have to do the expensive test (that gives you all the genetic info on diseases you may get, etc) to find this type of info? Or, can you just do the one that tells you your ethnic background?

         2. My friend’s husband (we’ll call him C) found out his dad wasn’t his dad. C thought he was fully ethnicity A, as both his mom and (non-bio) dad are, but his 23 and Me result came in as half ethnicity A, and half ethnicity B (which is specific to an island and therefore uncommon). Strangely enough, C’s uncle is ethnicity B… Apparently, uncle-daddy had a long standing affair with C’s mom, and so C has one full sibling, one half sibling with shared mother, and two half siblings (that he thought were cousins) via uncle-daddy. Apparently all the parents were aware that this had happened, but the kids were in the dark until the 23 and Me based discovery. Oops!

            1. I’m trying to follow this. Is uncle-daddy non-bio-dad’s brother? Is somebody adopted? Or is this an “uncle” who is just a really close (uh, REALLY close) friend of the family? Maybe I’m the one missing something here…

            2. Uncle-daddy is married to C’s mom’s sister. So he is both C’s actual uncle via marriage to bio-aunt, and C’s bio-dad. It is a confusing situation!

         3. Well, part of why I want to do it is that my dad was adopted, so I have zero info about his side of the family, genetic or health-wise. So there aren’t really going to be any “surprises” as far as that is concerned, because I already know that I don’t know anything. I don’t plan on sharing the results of the test with my parents anyway.

            1. My good friend was adopted and did 23 and me after receiving the kit as a gift. She was told she had several cousins, all living in the state she in which she was born. The test didn’t say whether these folks are 2nd cousins or 6th cousins, so the degree of relationship is pretty ambiguous. (My friend would say she doesn’t know if they’re really cousins or not, but to me the coincidence of location along with DNA is pretty convincing.) It was kind of an emotional mess for her; she never met the putative family members and, after exchanging 2-3 emails trying to figure out what the relationship was, stopped corresponding with them. I’m not sure if her reaction would have been different if she had chosen to do the test more deliberately, instead of receiving the kit as a gift.

         4. Maybe I’m weird, but that seems like a plus to me. I’d love to know the family dirt.

            1. totally

            2. +1

   2. We got the ancestry and health ones from 23 and me. We’re pragmatic and wanted to know ahead of time if we have anything that needs to be planned for. (Thankfully we don’t, but now we know.)

      Note that, right now, 23 and me’s breast cancer screening is only for the markers carried by Ashkenazi Jews. There are markers carried by the rest of the world that 23 and me doesn’t test yet, so if you get an all-clear on their test, know that you may still carry markers.

   3. I did both the ancestry and health.

      I got it several years ago, when they gave you immediate access to all of the medical information. Now, because of the FDA, most of it you cannot access. 23andMe is in the process of appealing to the FDA to give them the right to release more of the clinical information to you, by proving to the FDA that their analysis is rigorous and that the information they provide with the results is appropriate. Honestly, I feel that the FDA is being too rigid. I’m glad I got mine done early so I have the info, and suspect the FDA will relax some restrictions over time.

      I’m also supportive of the company because they do really good scientific research in collaboration with NIH and several universities using your (coded anonymous) data results pooled with thousands of others to determine genetic contributors to many disease/traits/behaviors. It is actually really important work, and they have several very good scientists from Stanford etc.. that work there. I also feel that the future of scientific research is a marriage amongst industry/biotech/Universities/NIH… which will provide discoveries in a more cost and time effective manner. 23andMe is a great example of that.

      I’m also a scientist MD PhD, and have fewer more paranoid concerns that the other posters site. But I can understand why those outside science have those fears. Honestly, probably within 10 years, all of us will have our DNA sequenced at birth, and we will carry it around with us on a microchip in our cell phones.

      1. oops… cite

      2. I became a (free) member as part of one of those medical research studies. I’m in the Crohn’s one.

      3. I am a scientist and I have concerns about data privacy. Sure there are great outcomes when academic institutions use the data to further health knowlege. A private, for-profit company? Not trustworthy.

         People thought I was weird or paranoid for not using Facebook too.

      4. I would like to do the health one, but plan to wait to see if/when the FDA relaxes its stance. I don’t care about the ancestry part as I have a historian uncle who has traced us back quite a long way on my dad’s side.

   4. Yes, I was an early adopter of this and now my whole family has done it. It is amazing.

   5. This lead to a lot of drama in my family when one relative did it and discovered that their sibling has a biological child no one ever knew about. The sibling was pretty mad about the invasion of their privacy and further drama has ensued with the biological child.

   6. If I was adopted, I would do it without question. It’s nice that it is available.

      Hope you learn something interesting! I did.

   7. You can modify these so that it isn’t shared or stored.

   8. I’m a mad genealogist so I’ve done a couple of years. The only main one I’ve not done is 23 and me as I was a bit leery about the health part. If someone wants my DNA it would be easier for them to swipe my water bottle or my toothbrush etc

3. Happy Monday Hive!

   Have any of you experienced dread and loathing of your job that literally makes you sick? I am 40 years old and in a government legal job. My job is a good fit with my strengths and is the best for me in the legal field. For the most part the work load is somewhat manageable, but there are issues with management, annoying co-workers, and favoritism showed towards some employees that causes me a lot of stress. Although I do not make a lot of money in this job, I want to stick it out until I am eligible for loan forgiveness. I am about 5.5 years away from that. (I still have a significant amount of student loan debt despite graduating from law school about 15 years ago). I think part of my job hatred stems from the fact that I feel trapped by owing so much on my student loans and can’t leave to do something I might actually enjoy more (working with animals). But thinking about going to work (like on a Sunday night) stresses me out to much that it impacts my sleep and actually getting to work results in stomach aches and headaches which often last the whole day. Any suggestions or commiserations? Thank you all!

   1. I wouldn’t stick somewhere that makes me physically ill for anything, and especially not something that depends on our fickle government. (Lobbyist here.) There were serious discussions during tax reform last year of doing away with PSLF, and there will continue to be.

      When we’re deeply stressed, we often view life through an all or nothing lens. (“Either I work with animals or I stay miserable for 5 more years.”) There are lots of other options besides those two, and I’m confident you can find something that works for you.

   2. I’ve only been physically sick thinking about work things during short periods of time with extremely high work-related stress. I don’t think I could manage that for years. But the thing that helped me was meditation. I like my Welzen app, and I would put it on while I was trying to fall asleep and panicking.

   3. Is there a middle ground between staying in your current job and leaving altogether to pursue something in a completely unrelated field? I sense a lot of black-and-white thinking in your post, which makes sense if you’re stressed out and unhappy. If the problem is environmental, is moving to another agency an option?

      In the meantime, load up on activities that help you de-stress. When I was going through a terrible stretch of work stress, I hated this advice, but it worked to some extent.

   4. Not sure if this is too late, but what about looking for a legal job with an animal welfare nonprofit? I’m an attorney for one and am doing PSLF.

4. Things to not miss in Santa Fe? I’ll be there next week – I won’t have a car, so not sure how far I’ll be able to go, but I’m meeting a co-worker who will, so I may be able to suggest things.

   1. If you like art, check out some of the galleries on Canyon Road.

   2. Meow Wolf

      1. Second Meow Wolf and add the Shed as food rec.

   3. The Loretto chapel. It has this amazing spiral staircase that they say Joseph built. There are no nails in it at all. The Coyote Cafe is a great place to eat/drink and they have a rooftop bar that is a lot of fun. The weather should be gorgeous. My favorite restaurant though is Tomasitas. It’s a hole in the wall, but so so good!

   4. Cafe Pasquals

      1. oh and if you have the time, hike the tent rocks. even a one hour walkthrough would be well worth it.

   5. All the sopapillas.

   6. Are you staying near the Plaza? If so, walk around and check out the people selling jewelry and stuff along the sidewalk. My favorite restaurant near the Plaza is Tia Sophia’s, especially for breakfast. Also near the Plaza is the Cathedral, which is gorgeous. I love the NM History Museum and think it is worth checking out, but that might just be a personal preference. Get a Frito Pie from the Five and Dime if you want an authentic experience. I second the rec for tent rocks. It is not in Santa Fe and is a bit of a drive, but is really neat.

   7. The correct answer to this is ALL THE GREEN CHILES.

      1. All of these food places are within walking distance from the plaza:

         Breakfast: “Tia Sophias” (Breakfast Burritos green chile with bacon)
         Lunch: “The Shed” (Enchilada christmas style)
         Dinner: “Tomasitas” (Taco Plate)

         Take an uber to Ten Thousand Waves Japanese Spa for a massage and soak in the hot tub.
         The Rail Yard has cool galleries and grab a coffee there or go to Farmer’s Market on the weekend.
         Walk Canyon Road to see the art and architecture
         Second the vote for the Loretto Chapel and Miracle Staircase
         Visit Alpine Builder’s Supply- a gem of a traditional hardware store that only takes cash
         Buy authentic jewelry from the Native Americans just off plaza

         Have fun!!

5. Apologies in advance if there’s still a reference link, but just saw this bag in an ad. I don’t need another tote, but I like the price and zipper. Anyone else have it and can speak to quality? (Link in reply)

   1. https://www.amazon.com/Obosoyo-Shoulder-Satchel-Messenger-Handbags/dp/B07546CND6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524511206&sr=8-1&keywords=obosoyo

6. Is there an appropriate way to tell a younger colleague that she should try not to overshare so much? I am a junior partner (early 40s) at a law firm and I am the informal mentor for a 1st year associate who is in her early 30s. She has told me (and others at the firm) various things that are going on in her life, but her tendency is to overshare. For example, she recently told me that she was tired of “sleeping around with a lot of cute guys I met on Tinder” and was happy to be in a more monogamous relationship. She tells me that she had to miss a meeting because she was at a doctors appointment to support her new guy who had a health scare, and then tells me in detail his health diagnoses, etc. even though I’ve never met the guy. She also has strong opinions about many of my partners and how one person is “such an old white guy” another is “socially awkward,” etc. Our mentoring meetings are over lunch or coffee and are kind of a free-for-all and she is very talkative and basically views me as a friend. It’s impacting me because I’ve given her assignments only to feel that she hasn’t been performing well on them and then I feel like she would be more responsive and do better work for me if I wasn’t her mentor and she didn’t get so comfortable with me. I also get a lot more excuses on why she does not have time to work on something for me. Maybe the answer for me is to not work with this associate?

   1. Wow, in her 30s? She is going to become my mid-60s coworker who tells everything. We had a new hire start last week and on the first day I heard him telling this 23 year old kid about his health scare. The work performance is more the issue of course but she needs to learn this is unacceptable, given that apparently no one has called her out yet.

   2. Can you tell her – firmly, but not unkindly — that some of what she’s sharing doesn’t need to be shared with colleagues (e.g., her beau’s health situation)? I’d probably also mention that she should be more circumspect if she’s giving excuses. As the senior person, if you want a more professional and less friendly relationship with her, I would say it’s on you to establish the boundaries.

      It’s your call whether or not to stop giving her work. But please, on behalf of associates everywhere, try to give her some concrete feedback about where she is going astray (in terms of basic professionalism or work product) and give her an opportunity to improve. You know what freezing her out will do to her career.

   3. That sounds like me, when I was around 23/24, in my second job and sharing a workspace with an older colleague who for some reason I just felt very comfortable opening up to in conversation. I think, from that perspective, it would have been fine of her to just say “you know, I would prefer that you not share those kinds of details about your life with me at work, and in general it’s a good idea to keep those things private around coworkers.” You could warn her that while you don’t like to gossip, others might, and while you won’t butt into her life and start meddling in things, others might do just that if you give them enough “access.”

      Keep in mind that some people, especially if they’ve just been through a major life change, might not have any close friends they can disclose those “intimate” details to, and if they feel close enough to someone at work, that person might become the sounding board. That’s not to excuse people who say inappropriate stuff, but it is one possible explanation.

   4. Are you reacting in any way when she says these sorts of things in a mentoring meeting? I would try to address the inappropriate gossip when it happens in a kind but direct way – maybe even a humorous way if that’s your style. “I’m glad you’re so comfortable around me, but I’d rather focus on your professional development, not your personal life. How’s your work on X case going?” “I’m happy to be your mentor, and I definitely want you to talk to me about any issues you might be having with partners at the firm, but please don’t insult them. I don’t want to gossip about my coworkers.”

      For the performance issues, be direct and set clear expectations. “Associate, I need help with X assignment. Could you get that to me by 5 pm on Y date?” If you want an update, ask for one. If you feel her work needs improvement, send her a red-lined version of whatever she drafted for you. If she regularly doesn’t get you assignments by the deadline, (1) send her an email, in the same thread where you clearly stated the deadline, asking for the draft; and (2) address it in your mentoring meetings, even if it’s awkward.

      There’s a pretty steep learning curve for an associate.

7. Any cyclists among the hive with recommendations for club or sport fit jerseys? I really like ALÉ jerseys as hourglass and boob friendly, long enough in back, and well made, but their website is unusable 75% of the time (meaning I can’t get it to take my credit card). I tried Gore and didn’t like the fit (too short, too tight across the bust), not fond of Pearl Izumi jerseys, and I have a Castelli Gabba jacket that fits surprisingly well but I really don’t need that level of price, performance, or attitude.

   What other makes might I look at? I’m strictly a recreational rider but I ride often and really appreciate the good rear pockets, sweat wicking, and other features of good technical gear. My options are online ordering, nothing near me offers a wide range of options. TIA for any recs.

   1. Vanderkitten! USA made, small company, great quality, and a great supporter of women’s cycling.

   2. So I wear mostly Castelli and am a fan, but after that I probably like Hincapie the best. I love the styling on Twinsix, but the pockets are generally too shallow for me – the Hincapie stuff has good, roomy pockets and it feels like their women’s stuff is cut for a woman’s body.

   3. I love Tonik jerseys. They are designed for women and are extremely comfortable. Zuma Blue also makes nice tops.

8. I feel like I need some objective advice about how to know it’s really time to get divorced. And has anyone who got divorced regretted it?

   We’ve been married 16 years and it has never really been great. We are now at a point where we don’t really fight because there are no big topics we haven’t hashed out, except we do fight about parenting from time-to-time bc DH is not a terrible parent but he’s also not great. DH and I have no relationship to speak of. Even his parents have commented/commiserated on these short comings but DH refuses counseling.

   I think he has a lot of issues, including the way he was raised involving yelling and intimidation, which he now adopts as his own parenting style when discipline/guidance is needed, and maybe depression. I have tried encouragement, ultimatums and begging for him to get counseling or to at least understand how these things are a problem but he always has an excuse (stressful work environment, the kids were acting up, etc). I have come to believe, after 18+ years, that he really won’t change.

   Now that I have told him that I want a divorce and think we should both move on to our role as co-parents but not married he is trying to plan family outings and engage with our children and he is promising to get counseling (which he has promised many times before).

   I don’t have any good memories of us, although I have a lot of bad ones. My friends are so tired of his bad behavior that they are supportive of me leaving, so I’m hoping for a more objection viewpoint. How do you know it’s really time to move on?

   1. I think you already know. Sending you hugs!

   2. With the situation you’ve described, it sounds like it’s past time to move on.

   3. Hugs — I think it’s time. It doesn’t sound like you want to be married any more.

   4. I can’t tell you when to move on or when to stick it out, but here are some thoughts:

      Sometimes, life decisions are about which set of regrets you can live with. If it took you threatening divorce for him to change, consider that you may deeply regret seeing if he is serious about it and finally got the hint.

      Whenever you divorce (but especially after almost 20 years together), you must believe that you are better off single, not getting any dates, and hanging out with your happily married friends than you are with this man. Plenty of people, men and women, get divorced in their 40s and 50s, thinking that they are going to be as hot and fun as they were when they found their mate in their 20s. The dating market is different and harder. Don’t be someone who is surprised at this.

      If he won’t go to counseling, go alone.

      My view might be skewed because your husband sounds like a man who doesn’t “get it” when it’s told to him, because in his mind, words are words and actions show you’re serious. Being with people like that is just a pile of s*ck, because often, the only “action” you can take that gets their attention is the one to end it. So he might finally understand that you’re serious, so it might be worth it to stick around and reap the benefits of the wake-up call.

      1. “Whenever you divorce (but especially after almost 20 years together), you must believe that you are better off single, not getting any dates, and hanging out with your happily married friends than you are with this man. Plenty of people, men and women, get divorced in their 40s and 50s, thinking that they are going to be as hot and fun as they were when they found their mate in their 20s. The dating market is different and harder. Don’t be someone who is surprised at this.”

         Big +1 to this. I think the view of divorce presented here is often somewhat rose-colored. The general advice is that it will be miserable for a while but then you will be so much happier than you ever were when you were married. That may be true for some people but is definitely not true for everyone, especially women for whom having a partner is an important part of a happy life. The sad reality is that it is hard for middle-aged women (especially ones with kids) to find spouses, and much easier for men in the same age demographic.

         I have a good friend who split from her husband in their late 30s when they had elementary school age kids. There was no abuse, infidelity, etc. but the marriage had never been very passionate and had gotten a lot less so post-kids and she felt like they were roommates more than a couple. She wanted a “great love.” Well, he met someone and remarried within a couple years. His new wife is younger than us and they had another baby. Meanwhile, my friend is in her mid-40s, trying to do the online dating thing and meeting dud after dud. It is clear to me she is very lonely and regrets the divorce. And fwiw she’s significantly more conventionally attractive than her ex. I think she got divorced thinking she would get a hot new guy and long-term singledom has been a very rude awakening.

         1. And just to give the other side, it took me three attempts before I left my bad marriage. The first two times, left and lawyered up but went back because of thoughts like those expresed by Anonymous at 5:39 p.m. And both times I ended up thinking “man! I’m still here and still miserable and if I’d stuck to my guns I’d be in my new life by now!”

            The third time it was awful but when I left it was with the clear knowledge and expectation that I was signing up for being alone, and being completely okay with that. It was incredibly awful at first, but at the same time it was so peaceful not to be in that terrible relationship on a daily basis. And I bought a house and fixed it up and met a bunch of new friends and it was great. And yes, I met and married a wonderful new man but I would have been much happier with long-term singledom than I was in my old marriage.

            1. I’m the Anon at 16h20, but I think the responding Anon is trying to say something subtly different.

               Basically, there are people who leave their marriages thinking they are going to “trade up,” and are in a world of pain when they learn that not only aren’t they trading up, they aren’t even breaking even. This applies to men as well as women.

               That’s why my advice is to expect that you’ll be single.

               (Also, it’s not a terrible test of how “done” the marriage is. If being middle aged, single, and maybe poorer is an unequivocal improvement, you have a different situation.)

   5. You have spent almost two decades of your life in a marriage that you describe as “never great”. How much more of yourself do you think you need to give up?

      For what it is worth, you have the encouragement of this internet stranger to move on and find some happiness. Life is too short for you to experience so much of it stuck on tepid.

      1. I’m the Anon at 4:20 pm above.

         Why did you date this man, and why did you marry him?

   6. Picture your life in 3 years with your husband and without. Remember that in 3 years, he may well have re-married and you will be sharing your child with him and his new wife. While you are likely share holidays and other occasions for the first year or two, his new wife was not likely to want to spend Christmas/major holiday of your choice with you. Think about finances (who is going to end up paying spousal and child support)? Will you have to move? What friends do you have that you will lose (and what new friends are you likely to make or have more time for once you don’t have him to deal with). How comfortable are you that he will have partial custody and you will not be there to monitor their interactions?

      At the same time, imagine your life without having to deal with his issues every day. Imagine being able to date (but don’t forget that dating as the mother of a young child can be HARD). Imagine planning vacations with just you and your kid.

      In the short-term, divorce is hard. But take a good long hard look at your life with and without him once the dust settles and ask which picture you like better. If you think you will be happier without him, then get a divorce.

   7. I like Terry, its specific to women. Their shorts fit great too. I haven’t gotten their jerseys yet but I plan to soon.

   8. If you don’t like how he parents do you want him around your kids without you there? My understanding is most states do 50-50 custody by default so he will almost certainly have a lot of unsupervised time with the kids if you divorce.

      Honestly, part of why I’m staying in my ok-but-not-great marriage is because my FIL is emotionally abusive and I could easily see him getting physically abusive (he has hurt animals but not people, that I know of). My husband is generally a good dad but he’s much more comfortable with his fathers behavior than I am and I know if we got divorced my daughter would occasionally be alone with this man, which terrifies me. But as long as we’re married I can insist on being there when she spends time with her grandfather.

      1. This is late and not sure if you’ll see this but FWIW…I had similar concerns about my ex-MIL and our parenting plan was written in such a way that she can never be alone with our young child without my permission. If that’s the only reason you’re staying in your marriage, you may want to consider investigating if that might be an option.

         1. It’s not the only reason I’m staying in the marriage but good to know. Did your ex-H fight you on this though? My husband thinks his dad’s behavior is not great (and he definitely parents much better than his dad) but he also thinks I’m overreacting about it. I definitely think he’d balk at signing such an agreement, particularly if he was hurt about the end of his marriage.

   9. Reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like there might be some emotional abuse going on. I don’t generally agree with people who have children deciding to get divorced because the grass is greener, they’re bored, they’re having a midlife crisis, they think they can find someone better, etc. But I totally think people who are being abused in any way, regardless of severity, should get divorced because of the strife it creates in the household and the expectations it creates in kids. If one of your kids was being treated the way you are being treated, what advice would you give them? Apologies if I’m misconstruing something but if he is treating you badly – it’s time to go.

   10. Would your life be easier without him in it?
       Would your kids be happier with you and soon to be ex separated? Keep in mind that household wealth goes down by about 75% for divorced couples due to the costs of 2 houses.

       Separating is definitely a difficult decision- go find a good counselor for yourself and a good attorney to talk about what separating would entail and the level of financial support and custody you could expect. You need both.

   11. I would want to hear more about the workplace excuse, since I’ve seen men like this change when they leave the stressful work environment. Some people just do not have what it takes to live in an abusive work culture and not bring that home every day.

   12. Just wanted to point out that your post is entirely about your husband’s shortcomings and doesn’t display any acknowledgment about the role you have played in the “not great”-ness of your marriage. I’m pointing this out because, and I really do mean this gently, any decision in which divorce is a potential outcome requires painfully honest self-reflection, not just blaming or apathy or throwing up your hands. Maybe you’ve done that work already, and if so, great, but it doesn’t come across as though you have.

   13. I just wanted to say thank you for the replies – my original post got stuck in moderation for so long I thought there was a glitch and it didn’t get posted.

       These are all good points and this type of how life is vs how life will be considerations are what makes this hard. I think that I’m having a hard time really accepting that I can’t have the life I want and I have to choose between two not good alternatives.

       To the poster who asked whether there have been emotional abuse – yes, there was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse earlier in our marriage but I was very firm about boundaries and made it clear that I would leave if the behavior continued and things gradually improved. I think for a long time I thought that I should be happier because things were objectively better once DH stopped being abusive to me. But I am worried that this is his default interaction with our children and that our marriage is a bad example for them. My youngest said she doesn’t want to get married because she doesn’t “want somebody yelling” at her.

       DH understands that he is not a great father from this standpoint and he also knows that he is really poor at the day-to-day care of the kids. He plans on moving closer to his work (about 30-45 min away) and the children will live with me, with visitation for DH every week.

       We are finally at a point where we are relatively financially stable so after looking at the numbers we will be ok financially after we divorce.

       Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the suggestions and support even though it’s late :)

       1. As others have said, one problem is that if he’s a bad father, divorce can make it worse for the kids because he’s going to be a bad father with sole care of them during his parenting time. You need to decide whether that’s an acceptable outcome.

          Hugs. I’m sorry you’re facing this.

9. piggybacking off the credit card fraud question from this morning: I just moved to the US and in my home country, banking and plastic money was better secured, imo, so the semi-regular theft of my card number is new to me. It recently happened to me for the first time and Chase was great about catching it.
   I am wondering: does it make any difference whether I use debit or credit card for my shopping in terms of fraud protection?

   1. Use your credit card. Your debit card is connect to your bank account and has different levels of protection. The bank doesn’t have the same incentives as the credit card company in stopping/resolving fraud.

      1. I’ve had my debit card number stolen before, and the bank was very good about putting the money back in my account, not charging me any overdraft fees, and sending me a new card quickly. Santander, if that helps, although they might have still been Sovereign back then, and I don’t know if they ever caught the person who did it. It did help that I was still in college and didn’t need the money in my checking account to pay rent or anything. But I’ve had similar luck dealing with credit card fraud issues through Chase.

   2. Yes. Debit is much harder to get fraud protection on. Your money will already be gone from your checking account, so if the debit transaction is large and empties your account and you then go try to use the card for a legitimate transaction, the transaction might bounce and you might incur fees. Then you will also try to have to get the fees reversed.

      With a credit card, if you catch the fraud and contest it within a few days the transaction will usually not even hit your bill.

   3. I posted late this morning but I’m case anyone is reading here most credit card companies will now automatically update recurring charges directly with the merchants. (A quick google search may say otherwise but check the dates – any not that say they don’t are usually older blog posts).

      For this question – the only time I wouldn’t swipe as credit is if you are getting cash back and your credit card charges more for that but even then I’d just go to an atm separately. The only case I’ve heard for using debit is that the money is typically moved that day instead of maybe taking an extra day when processed as credit and I’m still not sure I follow why that is better but if you’re willing to give up the credit protections for that then you do you.

      1. Just for precision’s sake: a card is either a credit card or a debit card. When you swipe/insert a debit card and they ask you if you want it “run as credit,” it’s still functioning as a debit card and is still coming out of your checking account immediately, not hitting a credit line. All that’s happening is that the transaction is being processed on the same back-end system that processes credit card transactions as opposed to the system that processes PIN debit transactions. You’re actually being asked to choose between signature-authenticated debit and PIN-authenticated debit, not debit or credit – originally there was just a limitation in how the terminals were programmed, and now people are used to this whole “run as credit” thing, so the terminology exists, but it’s misleading.

         Your fraud protections are exactly the same when using a debit card, whether you select “credit” or “debit” at the point of sale. Fraud protection does vary between debit and credit. Your rights are actually better in the long run with a debit card but because the transactions hit your account immediately, you’re still out the money until you notice/report it/get credited back.

         When you are getting cashback at the point of sale using your debit card, it doesn’t matter whether you select credit or debit – it’s still a debit card and you will not pay interest on it. If you take your credit card to the ATM, you’re getting a cash advance and yes, the interest rate will generally be high and unfavorable. You can’t get a cash advance on your credit card at the point of sale except in some very rare circumstances.

         Long story short, nothing changes for you the consumer regardless of whether you choose credit or debit at the point of sale, so long as you’re using a debit card.

         1. Thanks, this is really helpful!

10. Regular poster anon for this one…

    How does one strike a balance between having sympathy for and wanting to help a nuclear family member with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues (diagnosed: depression, anxiety disorder; observed include codependency, among others) but also protecting oneself from harm brought on by the family member and her mental health issues?

    I don’t know if that even makes sense. She (at times) asks for help, and I want to help, but she’as unwilling to do anything at all to help herself at the same time. On the one hand I know her unwillingness to help herself (which includes attempting to be manipulative as all hell with me to give and get her what she wants) is a side effect of her mental illness, but on the other I am taking hit after hit from her and it’s taking a major toll on me personally. When is it ok to say “I’m really not equipped to help you?” Is cutting that cord a guilt I just have to learn to deal with over time?

    1. Does she have both a therapist and a psychiatrist?

       Have you considered going to a NAMI support group meeting for family members?

    2. For me, I have two family members with bipolar disorder. One I have cut contact with because of unending verbal abuse. The other I maintain contact with but I have stopped trying to help them at all. I am not equipped to. I can’t. This person does not verbally abuse me, however, so I don’t want to cut off contact with them. They do abuse other members of my family, and those family members have cut contact, and that was the right move for them. If this person is verbally abusing you, you have this internet stranger’s permission to cut them off.

       1. But, what happens to that person after they’re cut off? Should I care?

          That’s what I can’t grapple with, and it’s an emotion I’m not used to AT ALL. I’m in a cut throat, male dominated industry with no room for emotions. So much of my existence is about eliminating BS and noise from my life. If any of you asked this same question I’d say “cut them off; preserve and protect yourself first”. But now that it’s personal I’m really struggling with guilt.

          1. You can care while recognizing that you can’t change it or do anything about it. It’s one of the most painful parts of having a loved one with these disorders. My family member with BPD has basically ruined their life despite my offers of trying to get them help numerous times. It’s been really hard to watch but ultimately I am not in control of their choices.

             1. +1

                I didn’t cut my family member off because I don’t care. I do care. I wish them well. I ask about them from other people who are still in contact. But ultimately, I could not help this person no matter how much I might want to. They did not want either to help themselves or get my help.

                Ultimately I also came to the conclusion that my continued presence in this person’s life was actually just as toxic to them as it was to me. I clearly upset them, without ever meaning to and often without even realizing it. It wasn’t healthy for either of us for me to continue to try to be present in their life. So I feel no guilt about my choice. It was not made in anger.

    3. Similar situation. Two months ago I started going to a therapist to help me set boundaries with this person. It has improved my situation, my family member’s situation and our relationship. (Basically, the therapist is helping me identify and escape from behavior patterns that we developed.)

       1. This is great advice.

          My Sibling started going to a therapist to learn how to deal with his wife’s mental illness. It was invaluable.

    4. You can have sympathy for them but still have no contact with them, if that is the right choice for your needs. You can be compassionate in recognizing that certain behaviors are symptoms of their illness, while recognizing that those behaviors are toxic to you and insulating yourself. Unfortunately, one of the hardest things about these kinds of diseases is that they often prevent people from getting the help they need. That doesn’t mean the rest of us have to sit there and take the abuse.

       I have a family member with BPD who is in exactly this situation. I tried for years to get them help, which they refused every time. This person is incredibly abusive to me and a number of other family members. While I recognize the abuse as classic symptoms of the disorder, it was ultimately unhealthy for me to keep exposing myself to it. Therapy really helped in giving myself permission to mostly cut off contact.

    5. There’s old wisdom for first responders that you can only help others if you are not in danger yourself. This sounds like one of those situations.
       What are you able to do for family member? Lend a willing ear? Drive them to multiple appts? Serve as guardian/trustee knowing that this will require days off work and huge levels of stress and responsibility?

    6. I found a DBT skills class for friends and family very helpful. I went to a weekend workshop, but you can also see a therapist to support yourself in the situation.

       It honestly sounds to me like there is more than anxiety/depression going on here. If she has a personality disorder that’s gone unnoticed, she may not be getting effective professional help (there are effective approaches for anxiety/depression are not effective for personality disorders; sometimes PTSD can be mixed up in this as well).

11. I just bought a cheapo lip/cheek stain and I’ll share a link because I love it!

    1. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01565VAO8/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1

12. We are switching banks for our checking and savings (investments are staying put) and I’m afraid I’ll wind up bouncing something. I had my old account for 15 years and between the debit card and EFT, it’s probably connected to more bills and websites than I’ll ever remember. Can anybody help me make sure I remember to switch over all my auto-pay and anything else I shouldn’t let fall through the cracks?

    What I can remember now: direct deposit at work, credit card payments, HSA, investment account website, utility payments, insurance payments, gym, Spotify.

    Are there any categories of stuff I’m forgetting? When did you feel safe actually closing the old account? I plan to keep a cushion in there for a while.

    1. Leave enough in the old one for a few months to be sure? We did this too. Beware – the person helping me thought I was cleaning out the account prior to divorce, since I wouldn’t share the bank we were moving to. She made sure I was aware that the final statement would come to the house. I wish I had talked to a manager now.

    2. Any other monthly memberships like Netflix, security system, cell phone, internet, magazines, gas, electric, monthly donations that you have on autopilot, mail order pharmacy.

       I would quickly eyeball my monthly statements going back one year.

       For us our water utility payments go to auto-pay quarterly.

    3. Go through your transactions for the last couple of months and see what is recurring. Monthly donation to a charity? Audible?

    4. Pull out your statements and just go through them and cross stuff off as you move it.

    5. Charities? Hulu/Netflix? Paypal? Shopping websites where you save a card? Ama z o n?

13. Came up last minute, I have only one week and need to act fast. First vaca in 2 years. Hawaii is too expensive; I’m on the West Coast so looking at Mexico or Scottsdale. Palm Springs looks low end or sold out. A little worried that Mexico will be crazy due to the week lead-up to Cinco de Mayo. But maybe it would be fun?

    I’d love to go all inclusive but it looks like all those resorts change for double occupancy even when you are solo. Because we single people don’t deserve to vacation.

    1. Mexicans barely celebrate Cinco de Mayo (LOL), and I think spring break is basically over, so I don’t think it would be “crazy” right now.

       1. to clarify – people in the state of Puebla do celebrate the holiday, but elsewhere it is a very minor holiday, kind of like flag day or something.

    2. Yes, I was in Cancun on May 5th. It was like any other day.

    3. My mom often travels solo to all inclusives and most do not actually charge double, just a single supplement of a few hundred dollars at most. I have been to both the Occidental Xcaret and the El Dorado Seaside Suites on the Mayan Riviera ans they are both excellent choices. The El Dorado is a bit fancier, is adults only and has excellent food and great wifi coverage (was just there in January so this is a recent review).

       1. Most charge a pretty hefty supplement – like maybe a room is $400 for a couple and $300 for a single. It’s definitely significantly more than half.

    4. Newport Beach, San Diego, Scottsdale, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara

14. For those of you who work in non-BigLaw environments where you bill by the hour, about what is your billable percentage? I’m in consulting, and generally work 8-9 hour days but I do have to track my time in 15 minute increments (in an ANCIENT AND TERRIBLE software, but that’s besides the point.) I tend to bill around an hour of what we call “go time” every day (GO = general office.) This covers lunch, checking s!tes like this one, chatting with coworkers, etc.

    Is this normal? Is it high? I feel like most literature I’ve seen about billable hours is geared towards people billing 160+ hours a month, while I’m usually around 130. My firm doesn’t have official targets (or unofficial, that I’ve been able to find.)

    1. I usually find I bill about 80% of my time on a comfortably productive day. Lunch (and sometimes breakfast and sometimes dinner), restroom breaks, pumping, exhaustion, snacks, chatting and internet browsing usually fill the other 20%. There are some days where I bill something like 95%, but those are the days where I am basically chained to my desk all day. And then there are my slower days (like today) where I will end up billing less than 50% just because I am waiting for the client, opposing counsel, or others in my firm to get back to me on certain things before I can proceed.

    2. I wouldn’t have recorded time for lunch, checking websites, chatting, other breaks, etc. General office is for time spent doing general admin (ie recording time, keeping up on work related news/industry updates that aren’t specific to a client, organizing my to dos across multiple clients, hr related matters, office meetings, etc). I would confirm that it’s even appropriate to recognize time for those other things.

       I found I got better at tracking when I kept a little notebook with 1 column for time, 1 column for description, 1 column to add in where I coded it (modify as needed – sometimes more columns depending on current projects). He descriptions were short but honest. I tried to fill it out at least once an hour but more if I thought of it. One hour might say “x memo, bathroom break, y and z emails, chat with sue”. From that I’d do my best to fairly estimate how much was each (better if you can be more precise with your start and end times but sometimes that’s not realistic. It did help me see patterns and realize right away if I had a day where I spent too much time on those non work activities.

       If you take those out you’ll find your proportion of billable time increases (since you’re no longer fluffing your hours with non work activities). Our annual target was usually 70-80% recognizing that some weeks were more like 50% offset by other weeks that were 120%. The difference also includes things like training or recruiting that had their own codes.

    3. When I was a paralegal, we were expected to be 85% efficient, which worked out to 6.8/8.0 hours billable per day. That 1.2 included .4 of state mandated rest breaks, but not lunch. It was to capture administrative time (like timekeeping, records, office cleanup, assisting colleagues with non-billable matters, etc.)

       Now I am an attorney and we only track billable time (not any unbillable time), but I generally eke 8+ hours out of a 9-7 day (10 hour day), so I am slightly less efficient. I would argue that as an attorney, you are expected to do more things “off the clock.”

15. New producfs I have recently tried that i love:

    Dr Jart Cicapair color correcting cream SPF 30 has replaced foundation for me. I have sensitive skin with redness and this is a physical sunscreen that doesn’t irritate me plus a green tinted soothing cream that oxidizes to a light skin color and offsets some of the red.

    Tatcha Violet-C mask. I hate the marketing of this brand but darn it I love this mask. Non irritating and my skin is somehow really smooth after using.

    Using my “actives” every day. I have had a prescription for Finacea for mild rosacea and mild acne (I used to have pretty bad acne but am aging out of it). I had a hard time making myself use it every day because I wasn’t getting through the break in period. Now I put it on right after cleansing at night, every night, and follow with some super hydrating moisturing stuff after 15 minutes and that has really helped. I don’t have a specific rec on the moisturizers because everything I already have seems to work.

    The Finacea has really helped now that I’m regularly using it. And I apply a dab of metro gel every morning, which I also used to slack off doing.

    1. I am curious about what type of moisturizer you use with Finacea. It is so drying.

16. I’m going digital for the first time with my past tax records. I know the IRS will accept digital receipts, but someone tell me it will be OK to shred the papers themselves once everything’s online!

    1. I mean, cant you just print it if you need paper copies?

17. I stopped buying from Sephora after this Christmas. In some areas, Sephora uses LaserShip to deliver. LaserShip is like Uber for package delivery. So, someone in their personal car has your package and is paid $2 – $4 to deliver it. Three of my packages went missing, one was delivered to the wrong town, another to my neighbor. When I called Sephora, they transfer you to LaserShip who told me to wait and see if it turned up.

    More importantly, Sephora is a big company owned by a bigger company. Using gig contractors who are paid by the piece instead of drivers with jobs or at least seasonal contracts is greedy and distasteful. Sometimes, you need to draw a line, and there are lots of places to buy cosmetics online.

    1. Do you avoid Amazon too?

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