Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Demitria Admiral Crepe Flare Pants

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1. Question for those who live or have lived in the Bay Area (specifically Peninsula area):

   If money was not a consideration, would you live in the Bay Area and why? DH and I are considering a move there. Both sets of families live there (about an hour apart) and DH’s industry is centered there (biotech). We currently live across the country and would like our children to grow up near their grandparents and they will be very helpful in terms of childcare.

   Every time I mention a potential move to someone all they talk about is the cost of living. And yes, while I am very aware of the ridiculous costs, we are also doing well financially and it wouldn’t be impossible to live there (HHI of 450-500K, roughly).

   I would appreciate thoughts on living in the Bay Area, especially with young children. Thank you.

   1. At your HHI, you could live there but it would still feel hard. Not impossible but not luxurious. I’m from there and still live here. If you got here a while ago, it’s a lot easier because you aren’t fighting the insane housing market of today. Look at listings and add another 500k to the price to get a sense of the actual cost of a home (not to mention, don’t even think about asking for inspections, or a long close and all cash is usually needed too). So that’s housing and it’s the biggest drawback. I find the peninsula a bit dull – very suburban and harder to get to the City these days from there because of all the traffic. Negatives aside, I love the area – it’s liberal and diverse, there’s a ton of jobs, and having SF and the wine country in your backyard is still great despite the traffic. Biotech is centered in SSF and some in Marin so if you do come, maybe consider areas beyond the peninsula. Marin is a “deal” these days because it’s far from the valley whereas the peninsula is in the prime commute zone. Schools are fine here, good public and private, but very competitive – lots of smart parents ensuring they have smart kids so it can be a pressure cooker. Lots to do here though for kids and adults.

      1. Thanks for your response. DH would be working in SSF so our hope would be to live in close by in Burlingame, since everyone says that the key is to live close to the office due to traffic, and the public schools there are good. I will be working from home, so it doesn’t matter where I am. I’m under no illusions that the Peninsula is hopping but at this stage in our life our priorities are good schools and minimizing our commute and having somewhere close to a downtown where there are things to do (Burlingame has a nice one). If there are other suburbs near Burlingame that fit our criteria, I’d love to hear more.

         I grew up in the East Bay and would love to live there but the commute for DH would be bad.

         1. I would not, but for the family factor. I’ve been here for 5 years. We live in the city and despite making a HHI in the range of what you describe, I have resigned myself to the fact that we will never be able to afford a place that we actually want to live in. It’s stressful, and I look with envy at every friend who lives in a reasonable cost of living area. They can afford to take lower stress, lower paying jobs, pay for weekly babysitters, etc.

         2. What about Alameda? Your DH could take the ferry to SSF. I’ve heard that people who commute in the ferry LOVE it and I always hear great things about the family life in Alameda.

            1. That sounds lovely, but it’s an 1 hour 15 minute ferry ride. Much prefer to live next door to SSF and keep the commute down to 20-30 minutes.

      2. Yeah, we had about that HHI and since we worked very long hours, we were not willing to commute much. It made housing extremely expensive for a family. We weren’t struggling in the sense we couldn’t pay our bills, but it was very hard to save for a down payment because our rent was so so so so high. Financially secure retirement seemed impossible. We also had no family help, financial or otherwise. I also hated living in SF, and my husband didn’t love it, so it especially didn’t feel worth it. SFUSD was pretty crappy.

         We moved to LA to have a lower cost of living. Here we can afford to be homeowners, have two cars, and find the quality of life better. LAUSD is less crappy.

   2. I lived there (Palo Alto) and left. We had an HHI of 300k when we lived there so we were pretty comfortable. We had the down payment for a nice townhouse or maybe even single family home, but what really scared me was taking on such a giant mortgage commitment for 30 years. An 8k/month mortgage or whatever it would have been wouldn’t have been sustainable if I left Big Law. And I didn’t want to stay in Big Law and certainly knew it wasn’t guaranteed I’d make partner even if I wanted to and do for that reason we felt like we couldn’t buy property there. It sounds like that doesn’t apply to you and you expect a long term HHI above 400k and in that case I think you’d be fine there. The Bay Area is great in many ways and having grandparents nearby is a huge help with kids. I really miss the weather and weekends in Napa.

   3. I grew up on the Peninsula and live in the East Bay and unfortunately, wouldn’t really recommend it at that income. It’s not just the cost, but the insane housing market and horrendous traffic. You will be squeezed on that income if you wish to live anywhere halfway nice on the Peninsula. Visiting grandparents who are an hour apart will actually be more like 2 hours apart in traffic. While the Bay Area has some amazing positives, notably the natural beauty, I find that the bulk of the natural beauty I wish to access is outside of the Bay Area proper and that coming from the Bay makes it harder to get to those places (traffic coming home from Tahoe can be hell on Earth). However, if you are not outdoorsy, that part may be a non-issue for you.

      I say this as a lifelong Californian with deep roots to the state, but my husband and I plan to gtfo as soon as our jobs allow.

      1. One thing I forgot to add – the homeless problem is significant and worsening here. I don’t mean to imply that homeless people are “bad” (of course not), but there is still no doubt that homelessness causes a lot of problems. This is more of a problem in San Francisco than in the ‘burbs, but trust me, nothing kills a Saturday in the city faster than stepping around piles of feces on the subway platform and dodging mentally ill people blocking the stairs and so on. Homelessness and rising crime are two of the reasons we’re ready to leave; while homelessness is a problem in many cities, it’s at huge levels here despite commensurate levels of spending.

         1. Yeah I lived in the Bay Area and left a few years ago. I went back a couple months ago and was shocked by how gross the city of SF is – feces and needles are literally everywhere. But I think the suburbs are still much cleaner. If I were a multi-millionaire and didn’t have to worry about the cost of living, I’d happily move to the peninsula or Marin, but you couldn’t pay me to live in SF. It’s so much dirtier than many other major US cities.

            1. I don’t disagree with you but realistically we won’t be spending much time in SF on a regular basis, so that’s not a big consideration for us.

   4. I’m from the Bay Area but moved away 20 years ago. For everyone who is talking about the cost, clearly not everyone who lives there earns 400K or even half of that. There must be people with “normal” jobs living there like cops, teachers, firefighters, etc, right? How do those people make it work?

      I know the Bay Area has changed since I was a kid but it’s hard for me to understand how people earning 500K will feel “pinched” living there now.

      1. They commute several hours to work, which really s*cks, especially if you work long hours. When I was in Big Law my secretary drove from Gilroy to Palo Alto every day. But at least she had a 9-5 job. It would be insane for a lawyer to do that.
         I think you’d be quite comfortable in a decent area on 400k but 200k can definitely be tight especially if you have childcare costs.

      2. Also very curious about this. Do you need to make 500k only if you want a fancy lifestyle?

         1. This, it’s more about maintaining a lifestyle rather than not being able to survive without choosing one bill over the other. I think a lot of people feel, rightly so, that they shouldn’t have to think too much about the price of moderate cost things or feel like they have to budget luxuries at $500k and tbh most other places in the country, they’d be right.

            Basically, at $500k in the area, because of housing and cost of living a rich person will actually feel very middle class because disposable income is sucked out so quickly by actual living expenses.

         2. Nope. But it’s a big difference if you are a long standing resident with a rent controlled apartment vs a recent transplant. To put things in perspective, we live in a decidedly non fancy 2 bedroom apartment. No doorman. A homeless guy in front of our apartment building approximately 50% of the week. We pay $4600/month (including parking).

         3. I am a BigLaw equity partner in SF with a HHI of over $500,000. We live in a one-bathroom house that cost us over $800,000. Inventory is so tight and housing is so expensive that we can’t find a house that we want to move into, so we’re still living in our tiny place with two kids. We pay $25/hour for babysitting and $1800/month for daycare. Commuting into the city costs me somewhere between $15 and $37/day, depending on whether I drive, Bart, etc. Our schools are woefully underfunded. I don’t feel strapped by any measure and I am grateful to have the income I have, but I also don’t feel rich even though objectively we make tons of money. I don’t know if that helps at all, but I wanted to throw out the data point.

            I love living in the Bay Area and I love my tiny community (Alameda) a lot. One thing I particularly appreciate about it is that people live in Alameda because they want a family-friendly, income-diverse community. Many neighbors work in tech, but you don’t see the stereotypical tech bros. People also live in Alameda because they are opting out of the incredible rat race of Palo Alto and the peninsula. For me, that’s the biggest drawback of the peninsula (second to housing) – you have to live with other peninsulans. It is insular, incredibly rich and competitive, and a tough place. (For a taste of this, look at the articles about the suicides at Palo Alto High School.)

      3. I have a real world example of “poor” people making it work, but not on the peninsula. Sister and BIL live in the bay area– they could not afford to live in San Francisco proper. He’s an engineer, she’s a SAHM. HHI is $110k. They live in a very basic (laminate counters, vinyl floors, generic appliances– on par with my first post-college cheap apartment) condo in Fremont in a mediocre but not bad or dangerous school district. They are both incredibly frugal people and had saved up a six figure down payment for the condo. Even so, their monthly mortgage payment is ~$3,000 (in Fremont– there is no way they could afford to live in SF). Traffic is a nightmare. They only have one car and BIL rides his motorcycle to work and occasionally carpools with coworkers (at 6:30 am to beat traffic). My sister only buys her clothes at Target or Old Navy, and only when they are on sale. Her kids wear hand me downs. They don’t do any extracurricular stuff. She meal plans and buys food based on what is on sale that week.

         They absolutely love it out there and are planning to stay indefinitely. For them, the biggest thing is the cultural diversity. There are tons of things to do all the time, the restaurants are awesome, and going to the playground is like going to a meeting of the united nations. They also love the weather and the natural beauty. Her husband is asian (his grandparents were immigrants) and they wanted to live somewhere where their kids would not feel out of place.

         The main thing my sister dislikes is the crowding. She can happily go to the zoo with her kids on a Tuesday midday but would not go on the weekend, because there are just so many people everywhere all the time. Parking is incredibly expensive, but if you’re coming from a large east coast city that may not be a big change for you. She said that she sees a lot of her friends struggle with the downsizing that will almost certainly come with moving out there. If you come from a suburban area with a big house and a two car garage, it can be extremely difficult to get rid of half of your possessions so they’ll fit in your new tiny house.

         1. Thanks for sharing this. I grew up in Oakland and my parents had a HHI of around 70k. I didn’t go to great schools but they weren’t terrible either and I worked hard and did well for myself. This board is very very skewed. You don’t need 500K to live in the Bay Area nor do you need to live in Hillsborough to raise well educated kids. Many of my cousins grew up in Contra Costa County, so very middle class, and many of them ended up at Cal, Davis, etc.

            1. Just remember that when your cousins all went to college, Davis cost $4K per year. With some tiny scholarship, my entire education cost $12K. Now it’s $30K PER YEAR. $12K vs $120K. I just had a cousin graduate high school in Berkeley and nearly vomited looking at the UC term costs.

   5. I have lived in the Bay Area for college and later as a an adult multiple times. I lived in San Francisco and Palo Alto/Menlo Park. I have family there too, but not my parents. I am single and from a modest background. My family that live there are very rich, and enjoy a great lifestyle.

      For me…. No I wouldn’t live there. I absolutely love the weather, SF and the food. But it is unaffordable. I am in healthcare and biomedical research, so I understand your situation. But It is unaffordable for me as a single. I am also a bit more of a city girl and would never be happy living in the suburbs long term..

      For you…..Yes, I would live there. You can afford a decent lifestyle. And your extended family is there, which is very important raising kids and as parents age.

      If you didn’t have family there, I would actually recommend Boston/Cambridge as a better place.

      1. +1. I kind of did a doubletake when you said SF was the center for biotech. I would say Boston/Cambridge is. There are certainly biotech jobs in the bay area but it’s definitely not the main industry there.

         1. Yes, completely agree. Boston/Cambridge has also gotten crazy expensive over the past 15 years, but the area we are talking about there is much smaller relative to the SF Bay area. But for science/medicine, Boston/Cambridge is the epicenter still.

            However, SF is exciting right now because of the new UCSF campus and associated research centers, as well as Genetech (which historically was kind of revolutionary in its approach to collaborative biomedical research) and interesting start ups like 23andMe (started as a Google investment by the wife of Sirgey).

            1. 23andMe is not biotech…

            2. It is an interesting start-up, as I said. And actually, it does fall under the biotech umbrella too. Absolutely. I am trained in genetics/biomedical research and have lived for decades in both the Bay Area and Boston area.

            3. 23andMe founder is no longer married to Sergey Brin.

         2. You’re right, the Boston market is much larger but that’s where we are now and I don’t like it much. So after Boston, California seems to be the next best option esp. given our families are both there. DH is very happy in Boston professionally but sees the draw to moving close to our family.

            1. It’s nice he has had the opportunity to be in Boston as well. You are actually lucky that your family lives in such a nice place that also gives him excellent professional options.

            2. We’re extremely lucky. Boston is a beautiful city and has a lot going for it but it doesn’t feel like home. And I just can’t with this weather….

         3. In a word, Genentech.

   6. I have about the same HHI as you. We live in Berkeley and are very happy. We have raised our kids here and really our only issue is whether our kids will be able to settle in the Bay Area themselves when they get out of school. We both commute elsewhere, but like everywhere else in the US/world, you figure out what routes and means of transportation work for you and just do it.

      We went back and forth about moves to the east coast or SoCal for assorted career opportunities over the years, but always had a hard time with the idea of leaving the Bay Area. I’m a native Californian, though not Bay Area-n, husband is from back east. We just feel like there’s not a better place weather-wise, for us, and we appreciate the quality of life here too much to leave.

      I realize you’re getting a lot of naysayers in response to your question but the fact is, the Bay Area is expensive because so many people want to live here. And for good reason.

      1. I really appreciate your perspective. I’m from Berkeley originally and my parents live nearby. You’re lucky to live in such a beautiful area!

         To everyone – Aside from a hefty mortgage payment, are there other hidden costs of the Bay Area that you were not prepared for?

         1. I’m not sure where you’re coming for but childcare costs a lot more than in the Midwest or Southeast. Probably on par with NY or Boston or DC though. State income taxes are very high and property taxes are pretty high too. Insurance (car/home) is expensive.
            Groceries are surprisingly similar to my LCOL Midwestern city. Produce/organics are probably even cheaper maybe because there’s more demand.

            1. Thanks, we’re coming from Boston now so we are used to high childcare costs.

         2. Berkeleyan here again. – I should mention that when we looked at moving to either NYC/suburban NJ or Los Angeles/ Pasadena, it wasn’t like it was significantly cheaper.

            My sister lives in Austin and has a huge new construction house that she paid pennies for compared to the Bay Area – but then i saw her electrical bill in the summer….

         3. Not just mortgage payment, but getting to a down payment
            Not being able to save enough for retirement/lack of financial freedom
            High rent on small, crappy places
            Parking expenses
            Property crime
            Homelessness/dirtiness (SF)
            Weather
            Crappy schools
            Childcare costs

         4. You will be fine. It will seem like you’re just middle class instead of upper middle class, but it’s really just fine. Yes, there is a homeless problem but it’s not that bad in SSF. Yes, the rent continues to increase. But if you already have $$ for downpayment and can buy something, you will have security that the mortgage will not increase. You can buy something decent for 1.2MM. It’s not going to be the mansion everyone (who is not from here) imagines when they think “one million dollar house!” but it will be a fine 2000 sq ft house, maybe even with a yard.

            The traffic sucks and will only get worse as more people move here. That’s the story of EVERY large metropolitan area in US because people keep multiplying and are attracted to nice cities with jobs.

            OP, in your case I would just be concerned that your kids won’t be able to stay in the Bay as they get older. So if you have extra money, try to put it into real estate for them. Even a tiny condo in a brand new neighborhood no one’s ever heard of will give them the ability to stay here the first few years out of college and hopefully get a high-enough paying job to be able to move into something bigger eventually. I graduated a small private high school in SF and only two of my classmates out of a few dozen still live in the city, both in roommate situations. We’re in our mid-late thirties and most of us had a very cushy start so something to think about. Also, you might have to consider private school. Pretty much everyone from my public middle school with parents who cared went to to charter or private high schools. However, SSF is likely much better in that regard.

            To the person who wondered about policemen and teachers – yes, they live here, in extremely heavily subsidized apartments that fall under rent control, or they are children of baby boomers who left them their paid-off houses, or they are renting from those children and have been doing so for decades so they’re like family now. No one moves to the BA to be a teacher and if they found themselves in that situation, they are most likely living with roommates. There are thousands upon thousands of adult people in the city who are not related sharing dwellings and that is normal.

   7. I went to college in the Bay Area, left for a few years, moved back in 2007 and lived there until 2014. I am now in Boston, and I plan to move back to the Bay Area in the next few years (stupid California bar!). I absolutely love the Bay Area. It has traffic, and it’s really bad, but so do most major metropolitan areas. If your husband works in SSF, he can likely Caltrain from Burlingame. Real estate is hard, and you will be giving up “wealth-building” (because of the HCOL) in exchange for a great quality of life. There’s no perfect place to live, but NorCal comes pretty close for me–amazing restaurant scene, proximity to wine country and Tahoe, amazing open space preserves along the Peninsula Coast, proximity to Monterey and the aquarium/Carmel, access to the City…. NorCal also has just enough seasons that the leaves change, but it’s never horribly cold. You can beat traffic on weekends if you don’t try to get to your destination on Friday night, but rather get up on Saturday morning. I do agree that “an hour away” in the Bay Area is more like 2 hours during rush hour, but…

      I also disagree that the Peninsula is sleepy. It has a ton going on, and you just need to get plugged in. Is it San Francisco? No, but it doesn’t want to be! There’s plenty to do and see and hike and bike and visit–everything from aerospace museums to art museums to amazing farmer’s markets. It’s a good place to raise kids, but if you want to live somewhere that has a good public school district, the property taxes and housing prices will reflect that, or you have to go private, and that’s really pricy.

      I have some friends who love Burlingame, and some who hate it. It’s a “mixed city” in that it has some commercial and industrial areas, but an adorable downtown strip. Houses are pricy, but there are some really lovely old Spanish homes. It’s not OOC pretentious and wealthy like Hillsborough, right next door, but you will pay a pretty penny for a small lot home that’s not new in Burlingame. The school district is great. Most of my friends who did not like Burlingame disliked the parents who were very over the top–the Bay Area is full of smart people with smart kids who want them to succeed. It is a bit of a pressure cooker, and that pressure starts early. If you can navigate that aspect, it’s really lovely. I also suggest you look at San Carlos too, which is a smidge further South, but has some really lovely neighborhoods where the kids play in the cul-de-sacs and the neighbors have block parties and progressives in the summer–it’s very old fashioned.

      You can’t live your life based on others’ values. But the Bay Area _is_ a nice place to live. Give some serious thought to optimizing your commute, your housing costs and your kids’ schooling. Prices rarely go down on the Peninsula due to extremely limited supply, so your house is an investment that will appreciate, even if it sucks a lot of your cash.

      1. This is incredibly helpful. Thanks so much for responding.

      2. I live in San Carlos! Woo!! And I don’t have a HHI in your range – we’re right about $300k. I agree, sometimes it’s tight and I wish we had the money to send the kids to the $$$ summer camps at Stanford, but there is so much to do here. Traffic is not fun but I think that’s a common complaint. My sister lived in Boston for a while – I think the peninsula is more expensive but not double expensive.

         I’m a fan – I grew up here, my husband grew up here, and having grandparents just a few miles away is awesome. One thought on that point – you actually have to be close to the grandparents to see them. If you end up on the other side of the bay (not sure where they live), practically speaking you’d see them max once a week, but they probably can’t help with the day to day stuff.

         1. Thanks for chiming in! I’ve actually heard great things about San Carlos but it seems pretty far from SF and SSF (DH will be working in SSF and I may eventually be commuting to SF but for now will be teleworking). How far would it be on the Cal Train to SF or SSF? Do you take the train or drive to work? Have you been happy with the public schools there?

            I hear you on the grandparents issue. We would not expect them to do daily pick up because they live too far away. But even seeing them every weekend or every other weekend would be miles better than what we have now!

            1. Late so you might not see this –

               My last job was in SF. To be honest, driving in the city is a nightmare and parking is ~$500/month, so I did Caltrain/BART (easy switch in Millbrae, just walk across the platform). Roughly an hour each way as long as there were no accidents. Getting to SSF would be much faster.
               I eventually gave up and took a job in Palo Alto. It’s an 11 min train ride if I’m on the slow train (the local). ~30 min to drive (and I’m going less than 10 miles). Not great, but half the old commute.

   8. To piggyback on this question, why is the Bay Area so fantastic such that people are willing to endure the insane cost of living? I have visited and it’s certainly pretty and weather is great, but it’s not the only place in the country with great weather. Why are people so insistent on living there?

      1. Weather (and I haven’t found a lot of affordable places with temperate, dry, beautiful weather year round), lots of smart driven young people with exciting industries to work in (silicon valley, academia/medicine, start ups of all ilks, biotech), amazing natural beauty (beaches to mountain skiing to wine country to the Bay) not far away from a colorful and vibrant city, lots of families driving good schools and successful kids, amazing international food, diverse ethnically (although still very stratified like most American cities). And if you look hard, you can find a way to live a decent life even if you don’t make 500k. Obviously this board is skewed.

         For many of us, especially with a touch of seasonal mood changes, you cannot overestimate the power of having beautiful weather….every day…. for months on end. It simply made me happy to get outside, be healthy, and live life. I live in Chicago now, and we are at the tail end of a 6 month winter. I can afford it, but my body and brain and mood are much worse.

      2. It has better weather than the other places with lots of tech jobs. Other big tech areas are NY, Boston, Seattle and the Research Triangle in NC. All of them have worse weather than the Bay Area, especially the first three. It’s not like Florida or Hawaii have an abundance of tech jobs.

         But honestly most people I know who live in the Bay Area moved there for work and they don’t want to leave because they can’t get an equivalent job elsewhere. You can be an engineer in many places, but there’s really nowhere else with the start-up culture or the opportunity to work for the “s*xy” companies like Apple and Facebook (Seattle with Amazon/Microsoft is the only other area that’s close and apparently that has really gotten crazy expensive recently too).

      3. My husband and I are from CA and live in the Bay Area. In the past 5 years, he has been laid-off twice and was able to find a job within a few weeks because of the high number of employers in his field. We live in the east bay and he has been able to commute to the job in three different part of the area. Though I have not changed jobs, I am also in a field that has lot of opportunities in the bay area. It would be difficult for us to find a location where we can both be in the place where we have so many opportunities.

         I also love this area because I can use my backyard year around. It has the best farmers markets (in our area there are farmers coming from the central valley and bring so many non-typical produce like turmeric root, many different types of bokchoy, guavas, sugar cane, fresh feengeek and many other items one can’t find at regular stores). Organic produce is about 20-25% more at the farmers market, not 2X.

         I am Indian and love the fact I can find restaurants that serve region specific cuisine, its not all just northern Indian and south Indian.

         I can pick from 3 different airports when traveling.

         1. I moved from the Bay Area to the Midwest a couple years ago and people always assume I miss the weather and the restaurants and the proximity to outdoorsy stuff like Tahoe. I do, but I think one of the things I miss the most is easy access to THREE airports. Such a small thing but it made such a difference to my quality of life.

         2. I’m Indian too and from the Bay Area. Don’t see us moving back for a variety of reasons but a huge draw would be the Indian community there and the fact that my kids could be so immersed in cultural activities there.

      4. I’ve lived here for five years and I still don’t get it. But we stay here because my husband is in tech, and so, for better or worse, we are stuck here.

      5. This is off topic, but the Bay Area weather seems the worst of both worlds to me — no seasons and not warm; no thank you. (My husband has a job there that I refuse to move for). Also, there are three airports in NYC.

         1. SF is not warm, but the rest of the Bay Area is pretty much consistently 70 degrees most year round. The east bay or peninsula has the ideal weather — warm but not hot.

            1. +1. The south peninsula has great weather (highs are usually in the 60s in winter, 70s in spring and 80s in summer/fall). It’s never cold or really hot/humid. SF is too cold though, agreed. It’s often warm-ish and sunny in September/October but the rest of the year is way too cold for me.

         2. +1

            Today is gorgeous in boston. In sf the weather was rarely bad but it also rarely great – just sort of ok most of the time and many, many days without sunshine (except maybe an hour or two in the afternoon while I was inside an office building anyway). This is not to say there aren’t nice days in sf but they are infrequent enough that you get the same deluge of “so excited for this nice weather” social media posts that every other city has when there is a particularly nice day.

            I’ve heard outside the city is better weather and admittedly I stayed in the city for most of my years there.

         3. You aren’t honestly comparing NYC weather to SF? Worlds apart, and I have lived in both places. I love SF weather. I don’t like hot, I don’t like snow/cold, I don’t like humid. If it is cloudy, you can go to the other side of the city etc and the sunshine might be there.

            Everything is relative, right?

      6. I love the weather. Also, I feel like I get the best of both worlds. There’s the city, and so tons of fun city-type activities on any given day (bar hopping, fancy art museums, great events). But there’s also a ton of national parks (and Napa) directly outside of SF, and so there are always lots of options for weekend trips as well. I like the different neighborhoods and the integration with the rest of the Bay (I live in Oakland, work in SF, and spend a lot of time in Berkeley). The diversity of the city is also important to me. I relocated from Chicago, and I’ve really felt at home in Oakland in a way that I didn’t feel there.

      7. weather!! FOOD!!! oh my god the food here is incredible. from groceries and produce that is super seasonal and fresh (holla at berkeley bowl and monterey market bc im in the east bay) and the best restaurants anywhere for normal dining. such good asian food and mexican food. the natural beauty of the coastline is also amazing – i love hiking and camping here and it’s really accessible. the problems ive had here ive always had to some extent elsewhere – housing is also not cheap in manhattan or boston, and traffic is also not good in thsoe cities.

   9. Proximity to family is huge and would be a big draw for me. As others have mentioned the weather and the food are great. I’m also constantly amazed at the smart, driven people (particularly women) I meet on a daily basis. It is not without it’s problems, including the high cost of living, but if you can swing a house the appreciation on your investment is out of control. Burlingame is a great city! San Carlos is also a great option with a thriving mini-downtown and good schools that would be an easy commute to SSF.

   10. I think you should go for it.

       1. Thanks for the vote of confidence! :)

          1. Ha! I was going to say more but my screen froze and then somehow this one sentence published. Anyway, all the other commenters covered it. The Bay Area is amazing. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. And our HHI is quite a bit less than yours. So like I said, go for it!

   11. In summary, city life, culture, scenery and weather. So, boston but with no snow.
       The hundred + year old buildings + walkable areas, outstanding symphony, parks and universities mixed with easy access to outdoor things like napa, big sur and point reyes. Likewise there’s diverse peoples and interesting cross cultural things.

2. Someone recommended using a leather insole in their shoes in the weekend thread. Which insole did you buy?

3. Wow, I feel so with it today – I am basically wearing these pants with a silky button down shirt and pointy flats. My blouse is on the loose side though, I don’t know how I feel about a fitted blouse with this look. Part of me thinks it’s too 90s but then part thinks the 90s are back (but maybe not so literally?). Anyway, I am really into pants lately. I went through a period of all my workwear being just skirts and dresses and now that’s starting to feel dated and I find myself gravitating toward pants more. Anyone else feel this way?

   1. I can report that the 90’s are totally back. I watched the funniest conversation this morning. A 23 year old staff member was gushing over the shoes a 50+ year old staff member was wearing. They were basically the open toe, giant square block heel in a pastel color that we all owned in the 90s. The 23 year old wasn’t mean girling the 50 year old. She honestly loved them, thought they were “on fire” (yes, that’s a direct quote) and SO IN RIGHT NOW. The 50 year old laughed and said she bought them in 1996 or so and just wears them in the spring. The 23 year old’s mind was blown that something so old could be so in.

      1. I wore my vintage 90s metallic block heel loafer mules yesterday unironically. My crocodile loafer mules will be on full display this summer as well.

   2. I’ve been thinking about the pants vs. dress thing a lot. I also wear mostly dresses/skirts; I don’t think I even own a pair of work pants anymore. But I have to admit that I’m seeing a lot more pants lately and I’m starting to feel like my wardrobe is dated.

      Maybe this is the kick in the pants (pun intended) I need to lose some weight. Then I HAVE to buy new work clothes, right?

   3. I always thought you were supposed to balance proportions. So a wider leg or flare pants would warrant a closer fitting top. Skinny pants warrant a looser fitting top, although I think you can do skinnies with a tighter top since that is still in style for now.

      1. I tucked in so I think it works.

   4. Yes! For years my work uniform consisted of skirts and sheath dresses, but I recently discovered BR’s Sloan ankle pant and now I wear them more than anything else.

   5. I don’t think skirts, dresses, or pants are ever dated.

   6. Same. For me it was the rising trend of softer, higher-waisted pants like the MMLF Nakamura and basically everything at COS. The only “work pants” I previously owned were chinos (too casual for law) or stiff, uncomfortable suit pants. Now that I actually own comfortable and flattering work pants, I love them.

      I think I’ll continue to wear lots of dresses, though– they usually skew more formal IMO. A lot of my go-to pants outfits are kind of menswear-y and that’s a cute look, but it doesn’t read as “put together” as a sheath dress.

4. What do you wear if you work from home all the time? I’m worried about ending up in pj’s all day since I also live alone and won’t have anyone to stop me.

   1. Mostly yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but I always force myself to put on a br@, which makes me feel “dressed.”

   2. I work from home 50% of the time and used to have a big problem just wearing PJs, which made me really unproductive and feel really disgusting by the end of the day. Now I will “get dressed” in the morning and put on some zella leggings and throw on a cashmere sweater. In the summer, I will likely throw on a maxi dress or shorts and a tee. I don’t need to wear work clothes to work from home, but I definitely found I need to change from my pjs.

   3. I’m in charge of the morning school run/errands before my work day, so I do shower/dry and style my hair and put on some makeup every morning which helps. My usual uniform is jeans and a slightly nice but not crazy fancy top. Which on another topic are f’in IMPOSSIBLE to find this season.

      1. I also work from home and also do the school run. It is only this that makes me get showered, put on some light makeup and “athleisure” but well-coordinated outfits. This, and the fact that my Starbucks doesn’t have a drive-through. I am grateful for the forced structure to my mornings.

   4. Jeans and a shirt. If I have to be on video chat, info my hair/makeup and throw a blazer or sweater on. Today, I’m 34 weeks pregnant so maternity yoga pants and a t shirt. If anyone surprise video chats me I will decline and tell them exactly why.

      Make yourself get out of the house every day. Coffee, groceries, work from the library/Park, run an errand over lunch-whatever. But that will make you get dressed.

   5. Can you force yourself to go on a walk or run a quick errand before you start working (in what would be an average person’s commute time) so you put on public friendly clothes at least?

   6. Yoga pants, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt if I’m cold. As long as I wake up and put on fresh clothing that I could, in theory, wear outside I feel dressed enough to work. If you ever do video calls for work, it’s a good idea to have a nicer top to throw on right before the meeting.

   7. When I used to work from home I would wear jeans and a sweater or a cute top.

   8. I used to wear leggings so I could sit crosslegged and something nicer on top – dress or longer shirt/sweater. Comfy and still put together!

   9. The best part of WFH is loungewear and not wearing a bra. However, the trick is NOT to wear the same thing you slept in. Wake up, freshen up, put on a fresh pair of loose pants and a T-shirt that are semi-publicly-presentable, and you’ll feel way better than if you wear the same PJs you’ve been sweating in all night.

   10. On the occasion I do, which is not usual, running shorts, tank top, and yoga bra (supportive but looser than running bra). Or running shorts and tank top with shelf bra. Or leggings instead of shorts if you keep your house cooler than I do. The point is: comfortable, just not PJs.

   11. I also handle the morning daycare drop off, which helps (even if it hurts!). Because we’re wrangling our toddler, I only shower about 50% of the time before drop-off, but it does make me put on real clothes and do my make up. If I don’t shower before I drop him off, I’ll sometimes do it when I get back (still before my “office hours” start) but more frequently I’ll do it that night after he goes to bed. I feel like getting dressed (albeit in lounge clothes) and doing some very light make up makes me feel more like a human. I hate the way I feel if I’m still in PJs or haven’t washed my face by lunch. But yeah, not wearing a work wardrobe just for myself at home.

5. What do you do when you just do not see eye to eye at all with your spouse on a major decision? My husband and I are looking for a house and we have a baby on the way. We have a list of criteria and he is unwilling to budge on what seems to me any single one of them even that would require us spending probably 600k+ and our budget 350-450. He says we can aren’t in a rush and we can make due with our current rental (2 beds and one toddler) so why settle. My thought is we are passing up very nice houses that fit 9/10’criteria including budget to wait for a house that’s entirely unreasonable and probably doesn’t exist. We could easily afford to up out budget but he doesn’t want to do that either. This is really becoming exhausting and taking a major toll on our relationship.

   1. This is tough. The way we dealt with it was by doing some research on how much it would cost to make the upgrades we wanted so that we would have everything on our list. It is a lot cheaper to change out a bathtub or switch some carpet to hardwood then it is to build a garage, fence in a yard or finish a basement. We bought a house that had about 85% of what we wanted and over the next few years we swapped out the kitchen counters, redid the master bathroom and fenced in the yard. We still need to re-do the kitchen floor and do some landscaping but it’s perfectly livable and meets are needs.

      The hard thing is when the things that are missing are all from one half’s list. You have to commit to really doing those upgrades and not hoping he/she forgets. I agreed that our house was a great purchase but I was resentful for awhile that my husband got his finished basement when I didn’t get my fenced in yard. We did not properly research that and were shocked to find out how much it cost to do. We have now done it (coinciding when we got a new dog) but it’s hard to be the one to compromise. The fence was still cheaper than finishing a basement and building a garage though!

      1. Curious…how much is it to fence in a yard? I always imagined it being one of those weekend projects that was maybe $500 in materials and a grand or two in labor. I’ve seen some great DIY fencing, especially with the no dig posts, so assumed that anchored the price of wood fencing down.

         1. We paid almost $5k in a low cost of living area for a fence. I was surprised too. Still doesn’t come close to the cost of our kitchen reno ($50k) or basement finishing ($70k).

         2. Fencing in a yard is not as cheap as one might think (we DIY’d a tiny yard for $1200 in materials more than a decade ago), but it’s still cheaper than replacing a bathtub.

            1. Couldn’t “not as cheap as one might think” apply to basically every home-related renovation/improvement-type item ever?

            2. Not necessarily. Our quote for a new fence was $7k, we put in a new bathtub for $1k (did the work ourselves).

         3. My husband is very handy (just recently put in new flooring for us) and even he didn’t want to attempt a DIY fence. We got a great deal on a 6-foot wooden privacy fence, and still paid close to $5k for it in a LCOL area.

         4. We have a fairly large back yard (corner lot) and it was about $10k using black chain link in the back and one side and pool fencing (the wrought metal posts) in the front. It also has two gates. We didn’t have to do the other side of our yard because our neighbor already had a vinyl fence there. If we wanted all vinyl or wood we were looking at $15k to $20k and we went with the lowest bidder after getting multiple quotes (Lowes with a 3 year 1% loan). We have the cash but with a 1% loan we’d rather invest it and make the monthly payments.

            1. I just went and double checked our contract to be certain. It was $8939 for 349 linear feet of 5′ fencing.

   2. Stop looking. He doesn’t want to buy.

      1. This. He sounds like my husband when he doesn’t want to do something but can’t just come out and say it: set unreasonable expectations, refuse to compromise, drag heels.

         You could go different ways with this depending on your relationship dynamics: 1) Tell him it seems like he doesn’t want to buy right now and just talk to him about it. 2) Tell him you’re exhausted from trying to find everything he wants within the budget and you’re turning over the leg work to him. If he genuinely thinks this house exists and wants to buy it, he can find it, not you.

      2. Exactly. I went through much the same process with my husband when we bought our first house and then our second. With the first, I probably poked around open houses for 3 years before he was really ready to look. He’d paid lip service to buying before that, but there was always something “wrong” with the places we saw.

         With the second house, I was ready to move about a year before we ended up moving. We wanted to stay in our neighborhood, which is a very tight market, so I was prepared to compromise. Again, I monitored the listings carefully and talked to a realtor, etc. We toured at least 6 houses that I would have made an offer on but my husband always had some concern and wasn’t willing to go up to the purchase price we needed to get what we really wanted. We endured a horrible, snowy winter without a parking space, and the next spring my husband (who commutes by car) jumped at the chance to buy our current place, which was listed in the range I’d been pushing him to go to the year before.

         In your shoes, with a new baby on the way and a heel-dragging husband, I’d stay put in my rental and keep socking away money in your down payment fund.

      3. Yes, that was my first thought, too.

         I know it gets bandied around here all the time, but maybe a session or two with a counselor to at least get it out in the open?

   3. How long have you been looking? What you’re describing is pretty typical of most first time home buyers. It takes time to reconcile what you want with what’s reasonable to expect in your price range and location. I was definitely this type of buyer for like… 2 years?… until I really needed to move (landlord jacked up my rent). Once I decided to move it took me less than a month to find a house and another month to go through settlement. I think your husband isn’t ready to move, doesn’t see any urgency in it, so he’s just not going to let go of his unreasonable expectations.

      That’s super frustrating, and man I feel for you, but I don’t think you can strongarm someone into moving before they’re ready and expect the move to be the end of that argument. I’ve basically destroyed two longterm relationships this way. The place we moved objectively made sense, it was the only reasonable option, his (stated) reasons not to didn’t make any sense, but he just wasn’t ready. He went along with it because I forced the issue. And both times, he resented me for it for the rest of the relationship. Every little inconvenience that came with the house made him resent me even more.

      I think you have to hear that this is a very emotion-driven decision for him; it’s not logic-driven at all. You’re right, it makes sense to move now, but you can be right all day long and it’s not going to change how he feels. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you’re going to have to take a big step back here and stop looking at buying a house as a goal you need to accomplish before the baby comes.

   4. Have you had these convos with a realtor/agent? Might be good to get perspective on how long you’d have to wait for the Right House.

      Is DH simply in no rush and the Right House will eventually come along, or is he thinking you could wait a few years and save more and get the $600k House?

   5. I agree it doesn’t sound like he’s really ready to pull the trigger. I think when the new baby is 1 or 2, space considerations will probably make him more desperate to leave, at which point he will get more flexible.

   6. To add a different perspective. We moved after #1. I had been wanting to move for a number of years but DH wasn’t interested. I took the view that I protect baby’s health by protecting my health and I was completely overwhelmed with the thought of returning to a non-functional living situation. It would have been really bad for my mental health. We had out of town family visit for three weeks when the baby was two weeks old, just could not do it in the old house. I sat down with DH and talked about the logistics of what life in old house would look like on a day to day basis with two kids – DH had not really thought through how things like loading in the kids into the car in the snow would be different with two vs. one. Key reasons that were persuasive for him:

      1. Non-functional kitchen – could not watch #1 if I was in the kitchen and #1 was too young to be unsupervised but no space for baby + toddler in kitchen.

      2. Non functional guest space – if his mom wanted to come for three weeks, she could not sleep on the living room sofa.

      3. House buying with two kids is a nightmare. Having to arrange for sitters if we wanted to see a house or drag baby + toddler to showings. DH had not thought about having to schedule showings around nap time for two kids instead of just one kid’s nap schedule. Lookinig at houses with one was hard enough.

      4. Moving with two kids is a nightmare – when are we going to pack and move a whole house while working/taking care of a small baby and a toddler? DH didn’t like the idea of hiring movers to pack his personal stuff so this was a big factor.

      5. It’s not just about him anymore. Our house has to work for our whole family and it didn’t. He realized that we had to move eventually and the inconveniences of staying and trying to buy/move later were a lot more than the inconveniences associated with moving before baby #2 came.

      Focus on location and layout. You can replace a bathroom vanity or kitchen counter with minimal disruption – those are not reasons to turn down a house. You will both have to compromise.

   7. Thanks for all the helpful insight. We have been looking with a realtor for about 6 months and have seen probably close to 10-15 houses. The main issues he is unwilling to budge on is price, location, and layout but the combination of those three make it very difficult. We live in a town that offers two methods of public transportation- bus and light rail. Driving in in traffic would be about 35-45 minutes. Without traffic 10-15. He insists on both of us taking the rail and being able to walk there which limits us to literally a three block radius. Refuses to consider driving in or taking the bus. Also refuses to get a second car so that one person could drive and other person could have longer walk to T. Timing of commute is a factor because of daycare pick up. Homes in this town are older and only those that have been renovated and sell for well above our budget have the layouts he likes. Other towns don’t have public transportation option and would require us to give up significant family support that we rely on heavily. I think I need to accept that he isn’t willing to buy right now and stop spending my time and energy looking at places only to get in a huge fight when he rejects every single one. I feel like I’ve come up with option after option and so many potential solutions to his concerns and I can’t do it anymore !

      1. It does sound like he’s not ready to buy, but what motivated us to buy this year was rising interest rates. Have the realtor explain how much of a difference you’ll be paying price-wise with a .5% rise interest. And then map that out to the overall house price, how much interest you’ll pay over the lifetime of the loan, as well how that affects your monthly payment. It put fire under our butts this year and my hard-to-compromise-on-house DH put down an offer on the 4th house we saw (and we bought it).

      2. If you’ve shown him that every single option available within those very limited parameters are way outside of your budget, then yeah, he is using it as an excuse not to buy. Use your energy elsewhere and let him find this mythical house, so long as your current situation works okay.

      3. Would he be willing to bike to rail? 3 blocks is an *extremely* limiting walking radius. Most of the planning literature has shown that people will walk a half-mile easily (about a 10-minute walk) to rail, and up to a mile is considered “walkable” to transit from a house. [But people are usually only willing to walk a half-mile to work, go figure.]

         Also, if he is tied only to rail without a second car, he’s expecting you to handle all of the things that involve a car – doctor appointments, sick kid pickups, etc. You may be okay with that, but something to think about when a second kid enters the picture.

         Finally – how reliable is your rail? In DC, our first place was really close to Metro, but when we moved I basically had stopped using it because it was so unreliable.

      4. Apart from the house issue, is he this kind of person? Meaning, does he dig his heels in and refuse to compromise, or is he generally reasonable.

         Bottom line: Do you have a house problem or does he have a control/rigidity problem?

6. Another insole question – does anyone use insoles in their work or casual shoes? What’s worked for you?

   I’ve been experiencing some foot fatigue over the past year or so from doing my normal Sunday chores – I’m basically on my feet all day – and at conferences that require a lot of standing around. I started wearing better shoes and that’s helped a lot, but I feel like there’s still room for improvement.

   1. I wear Superfeet insoles, and they really made a big difference in how good my feet feel. I often wear sneakers to work (teaching preschool) so have mostly used their regular green insoles, but I believe they have a low profile version for flats too.

      1. +1. I’ve used green Superfeet insoles in my running shoes for years and they make a huge difference. I use the same pair in two sets of running shoes. Then I move them into my casual shoes indefinitely. They don’t fit my dress shoes, but they do fit some flats and casual sneakers that I wear on the weekends.

         I’ve never found them on sale, unfortunately.

      2. I wear Superfeet Green insoles in my running and cycling shoes. In dress shoes (pumps) and casual sneakers (like Vans, etc.) I wear hard plastic Superfeet 3/4 insoles. Obviously the 3/4 insoles don’t work for sandals or other strappy shoes, but they fit in most heels and flats.

   2. I usually put a ball of foot cushion in any shoes with a heel – that’s where I start to feel pain first. Just regular Dr. Scholls.

      When I was wearing athletic shoes or flat boots to work, I’d do a full length Dr. Scholls insole, the squishiest one I could get. It was very helpful.

   3. I swear by Powerstep Pinnacle full length insoles in both my work and casual shoes. They have reduced my plantar fasciitis pain to almost nothing and I say that as someone who runs between 20 and 25 miles a week.

7. Can you buy eBooks anywhere other than Kindle and iBooks? I’ve been getting iBooks for a few years, but I’ve now bought three books that are just riddled with typos – I mean 2-3 on every other page, including what I can only assume are voice recognition attempts gone wrong (i.e., it says “Kernel” instead of “Colonel”). Apple gave me a refund for one book, but inexplicably refused the second time. I’m displeased with both the quality and poor customer service at this point. Should I be switching to Kindle exclusively? Anyone run into typo problems there?

   1. Kernel is how you pronounce Colonel.

      1. And I’m an idiot who read your post too fast. Mea culpa.

   2. I’ve got a Nook from Barnes & Noble that I like. You can get the basic nook pretty cheap, or just use the app on a tablet. Also compatible with library ebooks, which is why I originally bought one many moons ago when Kindle’s weren’t.

   3. I’ve never had any problems you’re describing with Kindle. Also, are you buying “real” books and not self-published stuff? There are a ton of romance authors who are self-publishing these days and their books are barely edited.

      1. Yes, this. I suspect the error is on the author’s end, not iBooks. I exclusively borrow ebooks from the library and I’ve never had any issues, but I read mostly NYTimes bestsellers, so they’re all real books that have been edited well.

         1. Libraries typically don’t buy self-publish books – or at least it’s a lot harder – because of the way the sharing/licensing are set up. So your library e-book collection is more likely to be well-edited.

   4. Kobo, Google Play Books, Barnes & Noble*, Books a Million*, and even sometimes via Gumroad from independently published authors.

      The latter two are .epub files only, which a Kindle can’t open.

      I have a Barnes & Noble Nook from 2010, because at that time, Kindles weren’t compatible with pdf files either.

   5. Going to Amazon/Kindle isn’t going to solve the typo problem. You are running into an issue with self-publishing (and self-editing) that is just as likely to show up on Kindle books as anywhere else.

      If you stick with books/authors that are also available in print, you are less likely to run into those sorts of errors.

   6. No, the problem hasn’t been with self-published books – the two worst were a novel by Ken Follett (hardly a nobody) and the other was a large non-fiction book related to healthcare.

      1. It’s the publisher and not the vendor you’re buying the books from. iBooks is just a store.

         1. +1 – it’s still not something that’s going to be solved by leaving iBooks.

8. I need Cabo advice/recommendations! My boyfriend and I want to go for our birthdays in December. Would love recs for hotels/food/beaches etc. Thanks!

   1. Pueblo Bonito Pacifica. Adult only, all inclusive and low key but, omg, amazing. Can’t swim in the ocean water given currents there, which may or may not be a deal-breaker for you. Great pools and you can obviously lounge on the beach and rent a cabana bed, too!

   2. What do you like to do? Baja is amazing and offers something for everyone. Are you a beach/pool lounger? Do you want to explore? Do you like the party scene, hippie vibe, or luxe?

   3. I love Mexico and Cabo! I went with a few of my girlfriends back in 2013 and met a very cute guy from Missouri who I hooked up with for 3 days and nights. We corresponded for a month or 2 afterward, but we really had nothing in common other than our mutual desire for a romantic connection. I recommend it highly, but cannot guarantee you’ll find a guy like mine. Good luck!

      1. Well, the good news is that I’m going with my boyfriend, so I’m not really looking for a guy like yours…

      2. This poster might be the new t r o l l, based on her previous posts…

9. Montreal thoughts? Reasonable long weekend from NYC? I’m good on food but what do we do all day?

   1. We did this for a long weekend and it was really fun. Things we did: Biodome, botanical garden, hiked up the top of Mont Tremblant, walked around. It was fun! The drive there (if you drive) was really pretty, at least in the fall and the food was all around great. Highly recommend freshly baked bagels for breakfast one morning (I know, I know, NY has the best bagels, but these are a bit different and v. good) and Joe Beef (we showed up without a reservation and it worked out).

      1. False. Montreal bagels are far superior to NY bagels.

         1. TRUE FACTS ABOUT MONTREAL BAGELS

            1. False. Black bear.

            2. Thank you Lana.

      2. LOL I came here to say the idea that Montreal bagels are “different and v. good” is false… because they are awful. If you like dense, sweet bread with a hole in the middle, sure. :-P

         1. So they are… donuts?

            1. It was like a real bagel and an Italian sweet brioche had a baby. And not in a good way.

   2. It’s a really nice place to find a cute coffee shop and spend a morning reading a guilty pleasure book. I love Montreal for this, and also for it’s French-style bakeries.

      1. Entrecot St Jean restaurant … only offers one item…good for decades. Near the Marriott Residence Inn that’s close to the tunnel system and McGill (if memory serves me).

   3. We did a really fun bicycle tour with Fitz & Follwell. Highly recommend!!

      By all means check out the Basilica and don’t neglect to find the beautiful modern chapel behind the altar.

      We stayed at the Hotel Le St-Martin Hôtel Particulier and loved it. Great location plus the restaurant in the lobby was divine.

      I was not a huge fan of Entrecot St. Jean but YMMV. There are a ton of other fab restaurants that I would prefer.

      1. I also have done the bike tour with Fitz and Follwell – fantastic people, fantastic tour. Cannot recommend that enough. My group did that the first day, and it was great to get a lay of the land and learn about the history of the city. we then adjusted some of our other plans based on what our tour guides told us.

   4. St. Joseph’s oratory is a good visit, even if just for the architecture and history.

      The Marche Jean-Talon is great (get blueberries if they’re in season when you go!)—we always go and get blueberries and maple sugar, and then nice bread and cold cuts/cheese from one of the shops nearby and have a lovely picnic.

      Chinatown is also great! Dim sum especially with a big group.

      The Biodome is wonderful for all ages.

      Depending on when you go, there may be something big going on like the Jazz Festival (highly recommend for summer) — it’s a big city, so see what’s up :)

10. Looking for some relationship advice please. How do you get through a rough time without knowing what’s on the other side? Things were smooth sailing until I moved for graduate school in the fall, we’ve fought more in the last few months than the last 4 years combined. Things have gotten progressively worse as he was reassigned for work and now we are on opposite sides of the world and unable to be together this summer as planned. I can’t imagine another year like this but don’t want to make a rash decision when things will theoretically improve later (he should be back within driving distance at the end of the summer). I’m struggling without something positive to look forward to since I don’t know if things will be better once we are closer since we still won’t be back together until June 2019. Any advice would be so appreciated!

    1. I think it depends what you are fighting about. I wouldn’t just wait around personally.

    2. I’m confused… he’s going to be back within driving distance by the end of summer 2018 or June 2019? If he’s going to be within driving distance in 3 months then I’d probably stick it out until then at least. LDRs are hard, and they’re even harder when there’s a really significant time difference. And you’ve both gone through a lot of huge changes in your lives, of course you’re both stressed. Then again I’m not in your relationship and you haven’t said what the fights are about – that may or may not change my thoughts.

       More generally, life is all about risk. If you break up with him, maybe you’ll meet The One tomorrow or maybe you’ll be single forever (which can be fabulous! you’re the only one who would make it less than awesome). If you stay with him, maybe things will improve and he’ll be the amazing partner you want him to be or maybe they’ll keep limping along like they are now. No one is better positioned than you are to weigh these risks and figure out what you’re comfortable with.

       1. +1 Life is all about risk. I always ask myself “will I regret if I don’t take the risk”. It could be worth it or it could blow up in your face. Regardless, I always learn from the situation. You will too.

    3. Did the move *coincide* with the escalating disagreements, or did the move *cause* the disagreements?

       1. +1

    4. Why would you continue to work on it? You’ve been together for four years (presumably, as adults or as quasi-adults, i.e. in college). If you have not yet now made a plan on staying together permanently, it’s a nice, steady relationship that won’t last. I am not saying you need to be married, or even want to be, but your long term plan should have been made by now.

       1. This. If you won’t see him again until June 2019, I would take a break unless you both agree that it’s 100% the future that you want to be together in the same city long term. I did a transcontiential long distance relationship for two years but we both knew each other was ‘the one’ and we made plans to regularly see each other (every three months), talked and facetimed every day and sacrified other things in our lives to make it happen (4 roommates in law school). DH put his career on hold to move to where I was while I finished school.

       2. Yeah, I think I agree with this.

    5. Thanks all! We’ll be within driving distance from August 2018 – June 2019. Most of the conflict has come from being apart – when we aren’t together, our communication is much worse than I realized and small/tolerable issues have become big and ugly. Long term plan has been discussed but is not clearly defined which doesn’t help the situation. I have little interest in marriage in general and we agreed to take things one step at a time – I intentionally took a job in his city this summer, but he will no longer be there which has hit me hard because I was counting on that time to reconnect.

       1. As someone who has been in a long distance relationship for the past year, and has another year to go (woohoo May 2019), I think this is important context. The year that we’ve spent apart has made us communicate much better than we did when we were in the same city (and saw each other 5+ days a week). It’s the distance that has cemented that we want to be together. We probably spend more time than we should daydreaming about all of the things we’re going to do once we can live together, etc.

          Just my two cents. If you think your relationship is worth saving, then fight for it. But if it’s more trouble than it’s worth, and you don’t want to fight through the obstacles, then end it.

       2. Is the physical interaction of being with each other smoothing over problems?

          Loing distance is hard, but if it’s the right person, you ache for them and your relationship builds you up even when you aren’t together.

11. I’m looking for a beach trip recommendations south of NYC. Somewhere between NYC and Maryland. I want to do a Memorial Day getaway (driving from NYC) and ideally would like to find a quiet beach town somewhere. I’m more familiar with the beach towns further south (NC/SC) but don’t want that long of a trip. I usually do AirB&Bs but will probably do a hotel this time for the ease (and it’s just two of us). Any towns/places to look into would be appreciated! Just want to sit on the beach and relax. Thanks!

    1. Water will still be cold and the weather may be iffy, but Cape May might fit what you’re looking for. I’d look for a B&B if it’s just two of you.

       1. Cape May. The weather could be iffy anywhere within driving distance of NYC, but there are great breweries, wineries, and restaurants in Cape May so you’ll be able to keep busy even if it’s chilly.

          1. Cape May is so lovely, but I’ve only been there in July when the water is glorious so not sure about May. But it’s a wonderful town with lots to do and so quaint.

             1. Water will almost definitely be cold since it’s been a cold spring.

    2. I know you said south, but why not Long Island beaches? Agree that water will be chilly but it is so much easier to get out there than anywhere further. The North Fork is surprisingly low key and rural, and a short trip from Brooklyn.

    3. I like the Delaware beaches (Bethany, Rehoboth), but they will probably be crowded for Memorial Day and the water will still be cold.

       1. Cape Henlopen is also nice, and less tourist-y / less to do, so ymmv.

12. For those in biglaw, does your firm have HR? How are personnel disputes handled? I’m realizing my firm does not have any HR-like infrastructure in place, and I’m wondering if this is the norm.

    1. We didn’t have HR. Each office had an office manager who handled any issues with non-attorney staff in that office. If there was an issue between attorneys it was handled by the heads of their practice group. One time I had an issue with my review being inaccurate and it was escalated all the way to the firm upper management (assistant managing partner). He was also the guy who sent out memos about salary, bonuses etc.
       At the time I thought it was normal but in hindsight it seems weird not to have official HR.

    2. Are the disputing personnel staff or attorneys? Staff-staff and staff-attorney disputes are handled by HR in my experience. Attorney-attorney disputes are a bit trickier and often require the practice group/local office/firm leadership to mediate. I’d expect HR to also step in if there were harassment or discrimination claims.

       1. This. We have HR, but it’s for staff/employee based issues only. Partners are a completely different issue, and thus handled by management/practice group leaders.

    3. My firm has HR that handles issues with staff and/or attorneys. I had a situation with another attorney I had to bring to HR (could not resolve on my own), which is how I know this. I brought it first to my mentor, then practice group leader. I had to formally report to HR, and combination of HR and the PGL dealt with the issue.

13. Has anyone ordered from the new Limited? I was a big fan of it a couple of years ago, but haven’t ordered anything in the last while here. The website is weird, but a jacket is tempting me and I’m trying to decide whether to take a chance or not. Can anyone speak to quality or your experience with shipping/returning?

    1. I ordered from them earlier this month. I only ordered pants (sorry, can’t remember which ones) and the quality seemed a bit lower than the Limited of old. I didn’t keep any of the pants I ordered, they didn’t fit right and seemed flimsy.

       They had a free shipping deal going, but returning is NOT free. Also, they don’t send a prepaid label, so you have to drag everything to the post office or UPS and pay the shipping yourself, which is not refunded.

       I won’t be ordering from them again any time soon. I’m okay with free shipping and pay to return, but I want 1) a prepaid shipping label, and 2) not more than ~$10 flat rate to return.

14. What beauty products do you buy at Costco, that are a great deal and work well?

    I am a bit of a Costco girl, and someone mentioned a good face cream sold there in deep discount.

    In the past, I have gotten Oil of Olay serums/creams and pearl earrings. What am I missing?

    1. I love the Kirkland shampoo and conditioner. No sulfates, and they’re like $9 for a liter.

       1. +1. I love this stuff. It’s supposedly made by pureology. Honestly, I don’t know or care about that, but it works well, smells good, and lasts forever.

       2. What is the exact name of the Kirkland shampoo and conditioner, and are there varieties for volume, dry hair etc?

          I don’t have a Costco membership but a friend of mine is always offering to pick me up something if I need it, and I am in the market for a new shampoo.

          1. I think it’s literally just called “moisture shampoo” or something like that. I don’t think it’s an actual name, just giant purple and white bottles with a big kirkland name stamped on the top. I’ve never seen different varieties, just one. (You could g00gle search for a pic but costco carries very few shampoos. Your friend would have no trouble finding it.)

             I’ve also heard it’s made by pureology. I’ve used both and they feel incredibly similar.

    2. I bought the Kirkland shampoo on a rec here and unfortunately, I can’t vouch for it. It smells SO strong and made my thick hair feel greasy. Wish I hadn’t bought Costco size…

       1. They take returns on anything always.

    3. So you really have to track their website to get the best deals, but you can get significant discounts. I buy the two packs of EltaMD ($36-40) whenever they’re in stock. I’ve also bought Kevyn Aucoin makeup brushes, Laura Mercier caviar sticks, and many Korean skincare items (including a 2-pack of snail serum for $20). I’ve seen Skinceuticals, Creme de la Mer, ExfoliKate, YSL Touch Eclat, and other high end products for much less than department stores. The best deals sell out in a day or less so you really have to track it.

       1. Wow – thanks for this. It would have never occurred to me to look online. I only follow their monthly flier and what is in the store. Thanks so much for this.

    4. I posted yesterday about the Stri Vectin face cream. I got it at Costco for a steal (2 tubes) for less than 1 tube on Amazon. Read the Amazon reviews…it’s amazing stuff. I also bought sunscreen at Costco. They have high end stuff cheaper than you’d find anywhere. The Olay and Neutrogena stuff is good too, but when they take an extra $ off, it’s a great deal and I stock up.

15. Does anyone have experience with using Certain Dri? I had a dermatologist appointment yesterday, and my dermatologist recommended this as a first step to addressing excess underarm sweat.

    1. I used it for a while in my 20s and it worked great. Apply it at night and make sure your skin is dry to minimize irritation. After a few years, my body/hormones? changed and I wasn’t sweating excessively under my arms anymore.

       1. Me too! It was so weird. I don’t even wearantiperspirant most days any more.

    2. Yes. It didn’t help me. After many years and trying many other products, I finally discovered that just not wearing antiperspirant helps a lot.

       1. +1- I used to have a much larger problem with underarm sweat (not from activity, just casually getting pit stains on all my blouses). Trying to be “healthy” and “aluminum free,” I started trying alternative products. Currently use Crystal deodorant (it’s basically just a salt stick, and lasts forever), and have had a huge reduction in underarm sweat.

          It’s unscented, so f I’m headed to a workout or an evening event after long day, I may use a nice smelling deodorant just to feel more secure.

          Could it be that the aluminum ingredient actually makes you sweat more?

    3. Yes. It’s great. Just don’t put it on right after you shave because it will sting.

    4. Thank you for the responses – much appreciated.

    5. I would sweat through the armpits of all of my shirts. It was embarrassing and something that took a great deal of planning around for important events/meetings.

       I used Certain Dri for six months and it stopped me from sweating there, well, basically forever. I haven’t used it in over ten years and I still haven’t pitted through a shirt again. Life changer.

    6. I had no idea this existed, but thanks for putting this on my radar!

    7. It made my underarms burn like no other, so I had to stop using it.

       1. +1. Robinul worked for me (but I stopped using it when we started TTC and now I’m not sure I’d go back to taking a pill every day) so did Botox (but man, it hurts to do so many injections under your arms and it only lasted 3-4 months for me).

    8. I used it for a long time and thought it worked well. I did use a natural deodorant (deo only, not anti-per) on top.

    9. I used it for about 2 years in my teens to address excess sweating, that I think was hormonal. It was the only thing that saved me from just absolute embarrassment at that stage of list. Ultimately, either the certain dri cured the issue, or my hormones regulated and I no longer use or need. It does burn on freshly shaved skin. I would only use at night and then use regular Degree or whatever in the daytime.

       1. *stage of LIFE

    10. late post, but hoping you come back.

        I love Certain Dri. I don’t know what it was, but I went through a phase where I was sweating through every shirt I owned. It was the only thing that worked for me.

        They have two kinds: the roll-on and the stick. Both are applied at night. I found that the roll-on worked better but irritated my skin, so I only used it every 3-4 days and used the stick in between. They also make a morning “refresher” deodorant stick if you, like me, find it too odd to NOT put something on in the morning.

16. I used it about 7 years ago and loved it. It really helped with excessive sweat. As one poster already said, apply at night before bed. I did occasionally have some irritation that made my underarms itch, but it wasn’t that bad and it was totally worth it to me. I don’t have much underarm sweat anymore, but anytime I know I have a big event coming up in the summer (which lately has been being a bridesmaid), I start using it 2 weeks or so before the event just to make sure I don’t have any issues with sweating.

    1. Ugh, for the Certain Dri poster above.

       1. Thank you!

17. Question: How long do you keep work clothes/how “nice” do you want them to look? I have always been of the school of thought that you buy the best quality you can afford, maintain the items well, and keep them for a long time. Even so, things do wear out eventually. I’ve got a couple pieces that are still usable, but I’m just not sure if they’re work-appropriate (Biglaw, but not a particularly style-conscious firm) anymore…but since they were expensive relative to my budget, I want to squeeze every wear out of them possible. I get rid of items when they are truly not usable or presentable (holes, bad stains, etc.) but what about things that are looking a bit shabby?

    For example:
    Work tote where the handle is starting to crack where it attaches to the bag, the edges are wearing a bit, and the structure is a little lopsided at this point from all the items I have stuffed in there over the years…but otherwise good and functional
    Cashmere sweater (probably 8 years old) where the elbows are starting to wear a bit thin and the fabric just doesn’t look as nice as it did
    Black leather purse (probably 10 years old) where the leather isn’t all the same color black anymore (and my leather guy says he can’t do anything about it)

    And also the flip side of this–what about things that are still in perfect condition but out of style–like a blouse from five years ago?

    1. Not sure what you’re looking for – I support you either a) keeping and using items that are worn but still functional or b) giving away, selling, donating, repurposing, even throwing away items that you don’t want.

       You do you. You’re overthinking it.

    2. The sweater – keep as weekend warm clothing
       On purses, maybe donate? Or honestly I see these on Poshmark all the time, bags with a bit of noticeable wear.
       Things in perfect condition – also donate or sell. I have been obsessed with Poshmark lately because I find things I was too cheap to buy at the time. Five years is not that long. Someone getting a fresh start or a step up will appreciate these finds.

    3. I wouldn’t wear any of the items you describe.

       Shabby and frumpy are not good looks for the office.

       1. +1 We have an attorney who regularly uses items like that, including shoes with noticeable holes in the soles. Obviously, it’s not a question of money, it’s a choice. I don’t think you have to be stylish and I don’t think your clothes/accessories need to be brand new, but they need to be in decent condition. It really impacts my view of this attorney as a person.

       2. +1

          Your stuff sounds shoddy. You’ve gotten a lot of years out of them. Take Marie Kondo’s advice, say thank you for the years of service, and toss/donate.

       3. I agree with this. If it’s worn out and shabby, demote it to causal wear or get rid of it altogether. There is no such thing as forever in clothing and accessories and things that get regular use.

    4. Agree with the other posters. All of the items you describe sound not appropriate for professional daily workwear. I would likely keep them for casual weekend wear if I like them and they fit well. I don’t get rid of things that are still appropriate in a more casual setting. Remember…. we pay hundreds of dollars for RIPPED jeans. Honestly, that is something I will never do, but happily wear my old bell bottoms that drag a little on the ground and show the wear. A perfect condition blouse I would keep if I still like it unless it is so trendy it will ?never come back in style. But in this day and age, everything comes back in style and if you take an older piece and mix up the rest of your outfit, it doesn’t matter if it is older.

       But I don’t buy trendy workwear anymore. Only trendy casual wear that I invest less in. That way things I wear for work don’t really go out of style and I keep them in good condition. Clean/condition/repair shoes and bags that I love. I always make sure my bags and shoes and coats are good.

    5. When I was a child our family had a family friend who was friend to my grandmother, my mother, and to me. She was probably in her 60’s or 70’s in the 1970’s. As a child I always thought she looked nice. As an adult I would clock her appearance as low maintenace but impeccably groomed. She said that not every woman could be tall or thin or rich or pretty, but that any woman could be well-tended, and that counted for more.

       Like the OP, I want to get all the wears out of my clothing and have a tendency to try to wear items for too long. My gold standard for making myself retire an item that might have “just another wear or two” is would I want to visit Miss “X” if I were wearing this.

       1. I don’t know, it takes time and money to be impeccably well groomed. Replacing shabby clothes, getting mani/pedis, keeping your hair nice, etc. I’m not saying it doesn’t go a long way, but it does take time and money.

    6. This is why i generally don’t buy the idea of “investment piece” clothing lasting so much longer than regular priced clothing. Everything wears out eventually and I’m generally glad I didn’t spend 5x the price for something that lasted merely 2x as long.

    7. I keep a few shoddy outfits for work days that will have messy or difficult tasks (crawling around in dirty places, going to job sites, etc.) but otherwise I echo what others say.

18. I’m hardcore lusting after leopard print loafers / flats after seeing multiple women rocking them this week. Any suggestions?? :)

    1. Sam Edelman Felicia although I read here ballet flats are dated? Still, love mine.

       1. Yes, I have Sam Edelman leopard flats and I adore them.

       2. You can pry my ballet flats out of my cold, dead, hands.

    2. Rothy’s has some that look cute.

    3. If you’re a fan of Rothy’s, I think they have a couple of leopard prints available now.

    4. Thank you both! I have now decided that I want the Sam Edelman print on the Rothys loafer shape… ha, go figure!

19. I am about to interview for two jobs and each could be an hour each way. Like, on a good day could be 40, bad day could be over an hour. I am trying to decide if I can do that, and/or whether to not waste PTO and people’s time. But I also wonder if WFH will be an option – one Glassdoor review says yes but not how much, and the other doesn’t mention it. I know this is a red flag if I ask now right? Even knowing if there’s flex coming/going would be helpful.

    Pertinent facts:
    Will not move
    Have dogs so will have to hire dog walkers
    This is DFW if anyone has anecdata on commutes
    Am 50 and in dead-end job – these would be more career positions (and I hope my last job)
    H travels so I am household manager – so I appreciate current 15-20 min drive

    In my current job I don’t have to be here until 9 am so it allows me to work out and walk the dogs, and then I get home at a reasonable hour.

    Appreciate any and all thoughts.

    1. In DFW, I’ve found that toll roads are totally worth it when it comes to commutes.

    2. Commuting from where to where? I’m from DFW and worked in downtown Fort Worth for a few years. I can’t speak to the commute recently but my family still lives/works there so I can give you a few ideas. For example: I’d commute from downtown Dallas to downtown Fort Worth, but not the opposite. I used to commute from Denton to downtown Fort Worth but that’s for sure an hour+ each way.

       1. Wow! DNT/190 to either DFW Airport or Presby area.

    3. But I am correct that I cannot ask anything about it at this stage?

       1. Don’t mention anything now. Possibly during an interview, if they mention something like work-from-home flexibility–but definitely the safest bet is to say nothing until the negotiating stage.

          You might try making the drive on a few different days during your usual commuting times, just so you have a realistic picture of what you’re facing.

          For what it’s worth: I have passed at the offer stage two times on jobs that looked promising, but had an hour commute. When I weighed all factors at the end, the long hours on the road, rigid schedule, and family inconvenience just made the opportunities seem much less desirable.

       2. I think you can ask – if it’s a non-starter for you to get “no” answers to your questions, save yourself the time. I think there’s an art to the ask, but it’s fine to have those conversations sooner rather than later. A lot of the answers are going to be manager-specific and not necessarily company-specific, so keep that in mind but also feel out the culture.

    4. FWIW, I once had a DFW employer tell me he did his level best not to hire people who had that kind of commute, because the vast majority of them eventually decided it simply wasn’t worth it and looked for other jobs within a year.
       Personally, it would have to be a pretty amazing career opportunity that would make me want to spend these great working years on the road for two hours (or more) every day.

20. I finally broke down and hired a cleaning service. Am I supposed to tip the person who cleans my house? If so, do I tip every time or at the holidays? And how much? I searched online and the answers are all over the map, so I’m curious what other people on this site do.

    I’m sure this has been asked but I can never manage to search the comments on this site.

    1. I tip 10% each visit and the cost of one visit at the holidays. I think most people do one or the other, but the cleaners sometimes rotate, so I don’t want to do just the holiday visit, and I feel rude *not* doing a holiday tip.

    2. I have the same provider each visit (every other week) and I tip $20 each visit (works out to about 15%). I don’t generally tip separately at holidays.

    3. I hire a husband and wife directly so not a service and I do not tip for every visit. I give them a generous holiday bonus every year (2.5 x the price of a single cleaning).

    4. I’ve had housekeepers for a decade and I only tip at Christmas (the cost of one cleaning). With the exception of 6 months with a service that didn’t work out, I’ve always used individuals, not services. Since all the money is going to my housekeeper, I don’t see the need to tip.

       1. +1. I’ve tipped if there was something extra involved (one time I had a large box delivered while she was cleaning and asked her if she could open the door and show the delivery-person where to put the box in the foyer). Otherwise, I tip an extra cleaning at christmas/year end.

21. I am looking for recommendations for comfortable walking sandals good for a vacation. No restrictions on color or cost; I just need something that I can wear all day and not want to cry at the end. TIA!

    1. I wore Born Mai sandals for days at DisneyWorld and was comfortable.

    2. Ok – grain of salt but Crocs makes a semi-cute strappy sandal that’s waterproof/easily rinsable and very comfortable. I got them for New Orleans when it was rainy, muggy and I just needed something when we were walking 5-7 miles a day. I’ll post a link separately.

       1. https://www.crocs.com/p/women-swiftwater-sandal/203998.html?cgid=women-footwear-sandals&cid=060

       2. Link is in mod but they’re called the Swiftwater women’s flexible sandal and they’re under $40, so bonus for cheap. I got them in solid black.

          1. On the crocs train, the “s*xi flips” are some of comfiest (if most ridiculously named) sandals I’ve ever owned. I’ve also heard good reviews of the Isabella style.

             1. https://www.crocs.com/p/crocs-sexi-flip/11354.html?cgid=women-footwear-flip-flops&cid=060#start=14

                https://www.crocs.com/p/womens-crocs-isabella-t-strap-sandal/202467.html?cgid=women-footwear-flip-flops&cid=001#start=24

    3. Worishofer. I have an adorable pair of red 811s and get compliments all the time. Yes, they are old lady shoes.

       1. yessss these are so comfortable, although the sole wears down quickly.

    4. I love my ankle strap sandals from Nisolo- they’re super sleek and cute, but I’ve walked everywhere in them. EVERYWHERE. $110, I think.

    5. Please don’t laugh, but I wear sandals from Dansko. They have a few styles that don’t look completely terrible, IMO. And soooo comfy.

       1. I’m not laughing and you’re right. Dansko are super comfy due to arch support and rolling soles.

          I’m trying to figure out whether I can wear my super comfortable Birkenstocks around Paris.

          1. Birkenstocks are cool again.

    6. Thanks to everyone! I’ll check those all out.

22. Has anyone bought any truly opaque white ankle pants this year? Reviews on Loft say even their skinny crop jeans are thinner than last year, and I’m about to return a pair of Lands End chinos because you can clearly see the fabric of the pockets through the pants, and it just looks funny. I’m not looking to wear navy undies, but sheesh!, the quality these days. [Hey kids, get off my lawn.]

    1. Not this year, but last year I bought a pair of white Levis and they are opaque!

    2. +1 to white jeans – jcrew & jcrew factory normally have good pricing and they aren’t see-through

    3. Try Madewell or J Brand for white jeans.

23. Traveling to Portland, Oregon for work. Staying in hotel for work nights but am contemplating extending the trip and staying in an AirBnb for the weekend- what are good neighborhoods to be looking in?

    1. We stayed in Buckman and enjoyed it (walkable, lots of brewery/restaurant choices). We had a car for part of the time so that helped.

    2. No idea about airbnbs, but Hawthorne and Belmont near 30th (aka Cesar Chavez ave) is a fun neighborhood. It’s gotten pretty touristy, so i bet there are some airbnbs.
       It’s slightly hippie/grungy, but not too much, and lots of good food. I would especially recommend Hoda’s for middle eastern food and Jaciva’s for Swiss desserts.
       There is a satttelite location of Powells books on Hawthorne, but it’s nothing like the real Powells downtown (which you can’t miss).

24. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience applying to and/or working for the UN. How long was your application process? I’m looking at a political affairs officer position and can’t find a lot of helpful outside information.

    1. No advice, but that sounds really cool.

    2. At the UN itself or the US Mission to the UN? The latter is either a civil service or a politically appointed job. It involves lots of travel, access to interesting issues and people, and basically no work-life balance.

    3. My friend applied for a summer internship and had to wait a really long time. I know she called to check in a few times which I think may have been helpful in showing continued interest

25. My mother gifts my family various linens. The vast majority of them aren’t our taste/style. She always asks why we don’t use them/where they are.

    What’s the right answer here?

    Example: she bought my oldest daughter a princess comforter, sheet set, and matching curtains. Daughter already had these things (but admittedly were not themed or cutesy- think solid colors). We’d never in a million years pick “princess” as the theme for her bedroom, but she liked them and so we went with it. Thankfully, we did a room switcheroo and daughter’s window count and bed size changed, so that set can no retire after 2 years.

    But it’s stuff like this. She bought a winter themed shower curtain, set of curtain rings, and towels for the kids/main bath. We have those things! They are white for a reason. We put them up that one season and I threw it in the attic afterward, but she always comments during the winter asking where the set is, and don’t the girls want it up?

    We also got a set of towels that almost by not quite matches our master bath. We have a full set of master bath towels (that actually match). But she always asks or notices (if she happens to go in there which is rare but does occasionally happen when she babysits) that we don’t use her set.

    Saying “these aren’t really our style” doesn’t work (I’ve tried).

    1. It sounds like your daughters actually like the stuff…I think you should let them have the princess stuff grandma gives them even if it’s not what you would pick. For the master bath towels, donate them and just keep telling her politely that you already have towels and these aren’t your style.

    2. Honestly the first thing that sprang to mind is that episode of Gilmore Girls where Loreli runs around the house trying to find all the things her mother given them over the years to put out for her visit. Is your mother over infrequently enough or are they holiday-themed enough you could just occasionally put them out when she visits?

       1. She’s here maybe monthly. Every 6 weeks at most? If it were just linens then perhaps, to keep the peace, bu she’s generally this invasive (see examples below) and buys things for my house/me that she would want if it were her house/her. And we have….different…styles.

    3. If you say “not our style” AND “we donated them to the animal shelter (towels) / goodwill (bedding)” would that make it stop?

       1. Probably wouldn’t make it stop AND would incite a mopey/pouty conversation and/or an argument about how much the girls LOVED the cute woodland creature plastic shower curtain. (FWIW that one “ripped after the toddler pulled on it, which is actually why we use cloth now!”)

          She’s like this with everything (buys me clothes that are not my taste, cooks us food we don’t like, etc) but the linens just seems so oddly invasive. She also babysits for us on occasion and has bought and planted new plants for us without asking. Which is nice, but WE DID NOT ASK AND WE DO NOT LIKE THEM. I asked her to stop twice, she didn’t, so I ripped them all out. She pouted and said how bare things look and I was like woman, get your own yard. This is mine. That was a hard NOPE for me.

          1. There is no solution that involves your mother feeling satisfied AND you having the boundaries you want, because those boundaries are what make her unhappy. I think you need to say “Get your own yard, and bathroom, and everything,” and then let the chips fall where they may.

             Counseling may help — this has probably been going on, in some form or another, since your childhood, right? Pushing back on that is really hard, and there’s no shame in getting external support.

    4. That’s so weird. If she really wants to buy a gift, could you point her towards an Amazon wishlist with stuff the kids need?

       1. Um, no. Consider yourself lucky to have those kinds of gift givers in your life :) My MIL loves amazon wish lists though, and we do have them.

          My mother…is not a rational creature.

          1. I’m betting my mother is way more irrational than yours and here’s what worked: Setting a boundary.

             Try this “Thank you for the gift(s) but we don’t need things like this. I’d rather you save your money and spend it on yourself. Next time you want to buy your grandson something, call me and I’ll tell you what he needs.” (This was after receiving a 24X24 box, that cost $25 to ship, for a bunch of dried hydrangea that were spray painted gold. A gift for a 9 year old boy. And all the petals had fallen off during the 1000 mile shipping adventure).

             1. This is why my SIL does to my mom (her MIL). Why my brother doesn’t deal with our mother is beyond me. My mom also kinda hates my SIL though.

                I haven’t found a good way to get her to stop but I’ve gotten her to curb it some. When I first moved out, she would send me huge boxes of canned goods… the box cost more to ship than the contents were worth. Plus they were so heavy I couldn’t even lift them. I have no idea how my mother got them to the post office, I assume she must’ve packed it there. When I told her I had to leave the box at the campus post office because I have no way to carry them back to my dorm room – and no, mom, no one is not going to carry them for me – she finally stopped. She was definitely hurt. She still talks about it sometimes (this was 20 years ago).

                Now she sends me Harry & David’s boxes. I don’t eat sweets, just never had a sweet tooth. Guess what she sends me? Yup, all sweets. Once she sent me pears, which I actually really like, so I asked her to just send those in the future. Now she sends the pears AND the giant tower of sweets. I just throw it out – and before you say (like my mother) ohhhh you should bring it to work people will love itttt – no I don’t want my office to know about my dysfunctional family life. And I don’t have the energy to find friends willing to take these things (my friends are all pretty health conscious). I tell her I’m going to throw it out so stop wasting your money, she keeps sending it. At least something like linens you can return.

                And no, my mother is not a wealthy woman. She’s living on debt. I can’t get her to stop spending and I know someday I’m going to have to support her.

             2. Could you take them to a homeless shelter or food bank?

    5. My mother, bless her heart, is terrible at gift giving. She finally figured out that I never used anything she gave me and started giving me money (although I wish she’d just keep it and get herself something).

       If this were still going on, I would absolutely have a conversation with her. I would frame it as “we don’t need this and I’m starting to really care about my environmental impact. Please do not give us gifts. If you want to get something for kiddo, he’d like x”.

       1. I’ve tried this, at even higher of a level, because we have all we need (and more) and my mom is struggling financially. I suspect these are “great deals!!!” that she cannot pass up, and doesn’t have room for, but just “needs” to buy and happens to have a daughter with a big house that she sees fairly often.

          She brings books for my kids at every visit. Each kid. I know she gets for very little and frankly, I see books as a perfectly fine thing to pile up, but the sheer number of children’s books in our house is insane. I started pushing back finally, suggesting she make it more of a “library loan” where she brings a new book and takes home an old one (or lets us donate it). Her response was buying a book shelf that she brought that would “look great in your upstairs hallway [the hallway that is narrow and cannot hold a book shelf even if we wanted it to].” So I boxed up like 100 kids books and put them in the attic. With the bookshelf. They’ll go to the library for the next book sale.

    6. Your mother’s love language is gifts. She probably enjoys going to places like Marshall’s and finding stuff like this. As far as annoying mother things go this one seems pretty harmless. If you want things more to your own taste, you might get really specific, like – mom, I’ve been looking for really fluffy white Egyptian Cotton bath towels, have you seen any good deals on those recently?

       – but overall, I wouldn’t sweat the Small stuff. I suspect your daughter really liked the princess comforter, and you might need to give up the rigid sense of control you exert over all things decor in your home, because your kids are going to start having very individual tastes very soon that are also not your taste, and you’re better off rolling with it than rolling over them.

       1. I have dealt with a mother like OP’s and while your suggestions are good in theory, the gift giving is a tiny part of the giant boundary pushing problem.

          1. also, the problem obviously isn’t the gift giving, but the nosy, obsessive following up to see if and when they are being used

    7. Do whatever you want to with the gifts, and if she asks about them just say, “I’ve asked you not get us things like that.” If she flips out, that’s her business – you can ignore, hang up the phone, walk away from any outbursts as necessary. As Captain Awkward would say, you don’t have to manage her feelings about this.

       1. This. It’s awkward because she made it awkward. It’s on her, not you.

       2. +1

          “MIL, I need you to stop bring gifts. We appreciate the thought, but we will not use them. If you want to be helpful, XYZ are things you could do. Right now, it feels like you are telling us that we are doing something wrong and trying to control how we keep our house. This is not an area in which we need help or solutions or advice, so I need you to stop.”

       3. Yeah, this. I had to do this with my mom – it eventually worked.

       4. Yep. Once a gift is given, it has served the purpose of the gift giver acknowledging you. I have donated 95% of the things my mom has gifted me over the years.

26. How much do you tip your hairdresser? I thought people did 20% normally, but I remember reading here a while ago that folks didn’t consider that a good tip for a stylist or colorist.

    My cut was $75, and I tipped $25….am I being a cheapskate?

    1. That’s generous! I do $15-20 on $79.

    2. I tip 20%. My haircut is $90 pre-tip so it adds up!

    3. That seems really high to me. I do 20%. I live in a cheap area and my haircuts are $35-40 pre-tip.

    4. I do 25% but I only go 4 times a year and my stylist is amazing.

    5. My hairdresser now collects payment on her iPhone and there is a box for tip above the sig line – it offers 15, 20 and 25 percent. I always choose 20 and she still loves me, so I don’t think that is considered cheap.

    6. I tip 20%, which seems like enough. I wouldn’t really consider tipping more, but I try to take some small bills to the salon, so if someone else washes my hair I can tip them separately.

    7. I don’t tip because I always get my hair cut and colored by the owner and I was told you only tip the staff. Now I’m no more sure…

       1. No you’re right, you don’t tip owners.

    8. When I get my hair colored, it comes to $130, then I do another $30 tip.

27. I might repost this tomorrow morning, but Bermuda recs? Best area of the island to stay on? Things to do? Places to eat? Anything and everything. Thanks!!

    1. I love Bermuda! My favorite thing is to grab a cab and ask the driver to take me to his/her favorite “secret” beach. You end up at a beach with maybe one or two other people and it’s beautiful and glorious. Now, this won’t work if your preference is a full service beach, but I like an empty beach and I bring my own provisions, so I love it.

       I also recommend walking or biking the Railway Trail. It runs essentially the full length of the island and you’ll get to see some of the off the beaten path things, which is always a plus for me. I’d also take a trip to the Royal Naval Dockyard and Maritime Museum for a little history, same with the Unfinished Church. Also, going to see the smallest drawbridge in the world is fun! There are tons of forts to check out as well.

       I have stayed at Cambridge Beaches Resort and really liked it. Keeping in mind that I have no interest in staying in large hotel chains when I travel. It was smaller and not full of people. You can walk right out to their private beaches and they also do sunset dinners on one side.

       I definitely recommend going snorkeling and/or out on a sailing “cruise” around the island. Check out Cooper’s Island Nature Reserve too! Honestly, everything about Bermuda is lovely IMO. It’s clean and friendly.

       Eating . . . Tom Moore’s Tavern, Dining Room (at the Gibb’s Hill Lighthouse), and find some rum cake!

       1. So helpful! Thank you!

28. Does anyone know of a good website to buy trees online? Want to get a yoshino cherry as a gift for my parents, but they live in another state, so I need to get a tree delivered–is this a thing? (I’ve clearly never bought a tree before)

    1. I used fastgrowingtrees.com to send a lemon tree and had a great experience – tree arrived intact and is thriving 6 months later and they also sent detailed care instructions.

       1. Thanks!

29. Thank you for all the comments and support on my post yesterday. I left a response on the post just now, but I felt bad not responding yesterday to all the helpful view points. My original post was in moderation for so long that I thought there was a glitch and it didn’t post so I didn’t check back :(

30. Hi Hive. I’m in big law and extremely miserable. I’ve been so unhappy for so long that my parents, the type of parents who didn’t let me stay home from school when I was sick because “adults don’t get to stay home when they’re sick,” are starting to beg me to quit. The problem is that I’ve changed firms a couple of times and my resume looks a little rough. I’m not sure how long it’ll take me to find a saner job, but I also know that I can’t handle this much longer. At what point do I decide that my mental health is more important than anything else and just quit without another job?

    1. Now!! And you’re not a bust. You’re in a bad (for you, maybe in general) job. I think resume issues are overemphasized, especially in today’s climate. If you’re financially able, quit and head for greener pastures.

    2. Quit! Please, quit now! Take care of yourself.

31. Probably wouldn’t make it stop AND would incite a mopey/pouty conversation and/or an argument about how much the girls LOVED the cute woodland creature plastic shower curtain. (FWIW that one “ripped after the toddler pulled on it, which is actually why we use cloth now!”)

    She’s like this with everything (buys me clothes that are not my taste, cooks us food we don’t like, etc) but the linens just seems so oddly invasive. She also babysits for us on occasion and has bought and planted new plants for us without asking. Which is nice, but WE DID NOT ASK AND WE DO NOT LIKE THEM. I asked her to stop twice, she didn’t, so I ripped them all out. She pouted and said how bare things look and I was like woman, get your own yard. This is mine. That was a hard NOPE for me.

32. Anyone ever had someone show up in a bedazzled velour sweatsuit for an interview? Like, full-on Betty White “Hot in Cleveland.”

    Just happened to me, and I had to tell someone.

    1. What? It’s technically a suit, doesn’t that count?

       I’m kidding, that sounds unreal! Were they otherwise qualified?

    2. Pray tell, for what position was this sweet lady (?) interviewing?

    3. To clear it up- super nice lady, decently qualified, and the velour did not come up or weigh on post-interview hiring discussions.

       I just have an appreciation for the bedazzled velour. I’ve never seen it worn to an interview.

33. I want to start going to individual counseling and I’m overwhelmed by the options. Psychiatrist? Psychologist? Counselor? I don’t think I’m looking for a prescription, I just want to talk. Any recommendations in Charlotte are appreciated.

    1. I would start with your primary care doctor, and ask for a recommendation. Every good primary care doctor should have a few recs, and the tricky part is finding one still taking new patients.

       Psychiatrists tend to be more for medication management and are generally not good for individual counseling. Therapy that is totally appropriate can be done with a variety of providers from psychologists to social workers to people who honestly have little formal training. One is not necessarily better than the other, and the ones with the most degrees will often be pricier but not necessarily better. So you are right to ask around for recommendations.

       1. +1 to this. When I went to my first psychiatrist, I was surprised how much she DIDN’T want to hear about my problems haha. The first appt was maybe 30 minutes as she pondered which meds would match my symptoms and follow-ups have been 10-15 minutes. So I’d recommend looking for any manner of therapist who seems like someone you’d enjoy working with. (Check your insurance first to see if there’s someone in network.)

    2. Also check out the therapist finder at psychology today dot com. I’ve had good luck with it because it can sort by all kind of variables.

    3. I don’t think it’s so much about the type of provider you see, and more about finding somebody you click with. So there’s no right answer, and it might take a bit of trial and error. The provider I see is a social worker and absolutely amazing.

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