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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 251 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Lime Elliptic Bib Necklace

Coffee Break

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Lime Elliptic Bib NecklaceI haven't paid too much attention to Bauble Bar, but I keep seeing great things sourced to them so I finally took a look today — and there's a lot to recommend. First, the variety of stuff — lots of different trendy pieces for really affordable prices, such as this cute lime “elliptic” bib for $24 (and with free shipping!). I had always thought of them as just a discount jeweler, but actually they're apparently buying pieces direct from designers and selling them under their own label. They even have designer popup stores begin every Thursday, which look so good that now I'll have to start paying attention. Get an invite here.  Lime Elliptic Bib Necklace (L-#)

Sales of note for 8.30.24

  • Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
  • Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
  • Boden – 20% off
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
  • Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
  • Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
  • Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
  • White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale

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Comments

  1. AIMS

    TJ: What’s a polite way to tell an intern (or anyone) to knock before she enters? I’ve had this issue come up once or twice but usually a pointed look communicates to someone that they should have knocked before opening the door. But this girl doesn’t see to even recognize knocking as a concept. She’s a sweet girl, so I am not trying to be rude here, but it’s also really irritating.

    This isn’t even a situation where someone does a quick knock and then swings the door open without waiting for a response (which is also annoying), but I mean no knock at all. Would, “Next time you come in, can you please knock?” be okay or is someone liable to get offended by that???

    • Liz H.

      Sometimes a genuine “oh, you startled me!” is a good segue into “would you mind knocking before you come in?”

    • anon

      ugh my boss does this. and then he says “oh! I didn’t think you were here because your door was closed!” to which I respond, “did you need something?” and he says “no” and walks off. Every time.

        • anon

          oh I know. I have my theories about his need to show superiority. It really irritates me. (Its also one of the reasons I’m transitioning to mostly working with a different partner)

      • E

        Are you sure he is not trying to hint that your door should be kept open most of the time? My office has a loose open door policy.

        Just a thought…it could well be that he is just creepy.

        • anon

          Yeah, that is not the case here. His door is closed most of the time, and mine is closed usually when I’m on a call or I have an impending deadline, which is typical of most attorneys at the firm.

          • anon

            We also have an incredibly lax attendance policy. As in, I show up to the office 3-4 days a week, and I am at the office far more than any other attorney, so the open door policy, or checking on my attendance, doesn’t make sense. The whole thing is just strange.

    • NOLA

      I would definitely say something. Maybe something like “I’d rather if you would knock before coming in to my office. I may be on the phone regarding a sensitive matter.” No matter what I try to say, it ends up coming out a little harsh, but seriously, she should get it and an intern needs to hear it!

    • MaggieLizer

      The way you put it sounds fine. She’s probably doing the same thing to other people who may not be as understanding as you are, so you’re really doing her a favor by teaching her about office etiquette.

      Actually I was wondering today how to handle a similar situation. My new secretary comes in my office without knocking. I face away from the door so if I’m really engrossed in something (*cough* [this website] *cough*) I don’t even realize she’s there until she’s practically on top of me. Which of course startles me. And is awkward. She seems kind of fragile, so I’m thinking of saying something like “Could you please knock before you enter so you get my attention? I don’t want to seem like I’m ignoring you!”

    • Godzilla

      I work in cubicle-land and this happens to me ALL THE FLIPPING TIME. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. People sneak up on me and then I jump bc it’s truly startles me. I always exclaim loudly and then joke around how they’re being creepy and whatnot (it’s a personality thing, I don’t go around calling all of my coworkers creepy) but they keep doing it. And then they laugh when they do it again and I jump again. So after the 3rd or 12th time, I tell them to stomp their way to my desk and to please knock on my cubby because I WILL ignore them. And I do.

      • Flamingo

        If you joke with them about being creepy, they may take that as an invitation to “be funny” again and startle you next time. A polite but direct “can you please knock or call my name as you get here” may better? I feel for your lack of privacy – I used to share an office with 3 other people and it was no fun.

    • AIMS

      Thanks, ladies.

      I never know with interns. I feel like, too often, they either perceive you as the “nice one” or the “b*tch,” so wanted to get a read on this one before I said something. Direct, I will be then. We’ll see how it goes!

      • Totes McGotes

        I <3 you for caring about how you come off to an intern. We need more like you!

  2. DC Jenny

    Some of you may remember me complaining about the saga of my promotion. Basically, I was told that I have earned a promotion based on my performance, but I’m not getting it because I’m leaving soon for a 6 month detail. The result of this is that I will lose 8 months (they delayed 2 months after I was eligible for the promotion to tell me about this decision) of increased income, plus I will be delayed 6 months for the next promotion. I was never told that this was a possibility when I decided to do the detail, but I also never asked.

    My question is this: As a condition of my detail I agreed to stay with my agency for a year after I get back. This is a non-binding agreement in the legal sense, but it is extremely important to me to keep my word, and I have given my word that I will stay. But now I’m thinking I was induced to make this agreement at least partially under false pretenses. I don’t generally think that “They screwed me over so I’m going to screw them over” is sound ethical reasoning, but I’m beginning to think that this situation has a whiff of fraud about it. Any thoughts on the practical/professional or moral/ethical/philosophical aspects of this situation?

    • DC Jenny

      If it makes any difference, a conservative estimate of the potential income hit is about 20% of my current salary, before taxes.

      • DC Jenny

        It means you get loaned out to another agency for a finite amount of time. The idea is that you go and learn skills at the detail agency and then return to your home agency to put them to use, so it’s considered a win-win for agency and employee.

    • Pest

      I have not been reading the comments here for a while, so I missed the earlier discussions of your promotion, although I do remember participating in some discussions here about federal government time commitments. Is it possible for you to have a direct conversation with whoever has control over the implementation of your promotion about why and how it is delayed due to your detail? Is it because you agreed to go on detail at all? If you delayed the detail by a month or two, would that allow them to give you the promotion? The decision to delay your promotion (which sounds like it is a whole grade level) due to you going on detail sounds very arbitrary to me.

      • DC Jenny

        Yes, that was me with the time commitments. I have been wrestling with this question for a while and had decided that I would stay the year no matter what, but this promotion has me thrown for another loop. I was told, point blank, that my performance warranted the promotion, and that I will get it as soon as I get back, but not before. I can’t delay the detail because I’ve already signed an MOU with the detail agency, which is an agency I really, really would not want to annoy in any way. I was not told anything about the detail impacting a promotion before I signed the MOU.

        • Pest

          You didn’t answer any of the questions I asked in my comment above. Can someone explain to you exactly WHY the promotion must be delayed until you get back from your detail? You should ask your supervisor to explain the reasons for the delay.

          I work for the federal government and went on detail for a year. I got promoted to GS 15 by my home agency while I was on detail, and even though I had an MOU with a start and end date, that turned out to be flexible. I started after the start date and ended over six months after the end date.

          • DC Jenny

            The only reason I was given was that it’s been “the practice” in my office. I have set up another meeting to discuss it on Wednesday. Maybe I will try to pin them down in an actual reason.

    • Bonnie

      The agreement is not binding but they can try to screw you I you try to go to another federal agency. Good luck.

  3. Bluejay

    Question for the hive: What do the numbers in heel heights mean? Like, I have shoes that are called a 40, or a 55, or a75. What measurement do those represent?

      • Bluejay

        I thought that, but it didn’t seem to correspond to the measurement in inches that the websites gave. But maybe the websites just don’t know how to convert mm to inches.

        • dancinglonghorn

          There is actually two different ways to measure heel heights, and I am always confused about which way companies are using. One way is to measure the heel on the outside of the heel (the back of the shoe) from the bottom of the heel to the point where the heel meets the shoe. An alternative way is to measure from the inside of the heel. The inside measurement will always be less than the outside measurement. So two companies offering a 2″ outside heel might actually give different measurements on the website – one might say 2″ and the other might say 1.5″ or so.

  4. Anon

    Update to my question this morning regarding salary negotiation… I’m pretty sure the ship has sailed. I think the conversation with HR over the phone this morning was my opportunity to negotiate. They sent the formal offer letter several hours later and it looks like they expect me to accept since I said nothing earlier. The good news is that the salary I thought he said this morning was off by 10 K, and is a number I am potentially comfortable accepting (there is a signing bonus and annual bonus).

    Am I correct in assuming I can’t negotiate at this point? This process is so uncomfortable!

    • SAB

      My formal offer letter was sent before my salary negotiations were done. At the suggestion of the hiring partner, I just crossed out the old number and wrote in the new number/start date. Then I signed and sent it back. I wouldn’t think it is too late until you have signed the letter.

    • Bluejay

      Of course you can negotiate. Call back and say you’re excited to receive the offer, but the salary is a bit lower than you can manage. Then give them a number that’s about 10% higher than what you want. Another good tactic is to ask for no signing bonus and a correspondingly higher salary.

      Worst that can happen is they say no, we can’t pay you more. And then you can go ahead and accept.

    • Another Zumba Fan

      You can still negotiate. When I receive an offer letter where I did not get a chance to negotiate in advance, I reply with something like, “I’m looking forward to starting on date. I was hoping for a starting salary x% higher than stated in the offer. How much room is there for negotiation?” I have always received more money.

      • Anon

        This is great wording, as is the comment about giving up the signing bonus. Thanks so much to you all for the comments!

    • Flamingo

      Unless you have already signed and accepted the offer, you can negotiate. Agree with Bluejay that you won’t know until you ask. The process is uncomfortable, but think of how much it would suck if for months to come every time you get your paycheck you wonder if you could be making more. Ask!

    • Divaliscious11

      The offer letter just confirms the offer – you can still negotiate until they say this is final….

  5. NOLA

    I mentioned this in the morning thread, but I’m wondering if anyone has had luck with thinning about almond milk? I keep reading that I shouldn’t be eating dairy so I’m wondering if I should give up my skim milk. I like the regular unsweetened almond milk, but it’s just too thick on cereal. Could I add water?

      • NOLA

        I’m not sure. I have stopped eating yogurt at lunch (I don’t like Greek yogurt so it was the fakey stuff) and I like skim milk, but various people I’ve been reading about (like Jillian Michaels) say that women shouldn’t eat as much dairy. One said that milk is used to fatten up young animals. I guess I’m grasping at straws here. I think I’m struggling hormonally and I’ve gained a little bit of weight and I’m trying to figure out what else could change in my diet. I hardly ever drink (about a drink a month at most), I hardly ever eat out, I don’t eat fried food, don’t eat fast food. I eat pretty well other than sugar, which I need to cut back.

        • jcb

          My brother and I were just talking about this. Have you heard about Type B metabolism? Apparently any kind of carbs can make Type Bs pretty unhealthy and make it really hard to lose weight. (fwiw, I usually ignore this kind of “special diet” talk, but in his case it makes sense, and his doctor wife proposed the idea). According to him, it can be brought on by hormonal changes later in life – so at least maybe worth talking to a dietitian about?

          • NOLA

            Thanks. I’ve thought the same thing and I haven’t heard of Type B metabolism. My PCP just keeps fussing at me about losing weight and tells me I need to “start exercising.” I work out about 10 hours a week! I want to try going off of hormonal birth control and I want to talk to my gyno about it, then I’ll tackle this.

          • jcb

            Sounds like him. The only thing that ever worked for him was when he did Atkins for a while (which is not the same thing, but similar in that carbs are restricted). On his new eating plan, he’s lost a ton of weight and his blood tests aren’t showing any ill effects so far as cholesterol etc. He said there’s a book called The Metabloism Miracle that explains it (after I suspiciously cross-examined him for half an hour about it). I’d still see a dietitian, but just something to think/ask about!

        • PollyD

          I doubt it’s the skim milk in your cereal that’s making it difficult for you to lose weight, unless you are eating a punch bowl-sized bowl of cereal.

          I’m very against these claims that one particular food type is something that “shouldn’t” be eaten. That said, I have seen that trying to incorporate more protein and eliminating most simple carbs (but not complex ones) does seem to help people lose weight. I also thought Greek yogurt was one of those holy grail foods for dieters – a good amount of protein and fiber (that’s another thing – I’m convinced that increasing the fiber content of a diet can be helpful because you’ll feel full longer on fewer calories) to help satiate with fewer calories.

          I guess I’d look at my overall diet, really honestly and strictly, before just eliminating things. When I say honestly, it’s because I know that I often think to myself, “But I don’t eat that much!” while conveniently ignoring the 3 (or 4 or 5) Butterfinger Bites I mindlessly ate after lunch (among other things). Also, I don’t know how old you are, but it is a sad but true fact that our caloric needs tend to decrease with age and, for women, conditions like diabetes or high cholesterol can really start to flare up around menopause.

          • NOLA

            What I said is that I don’t like Greek yogurt. Yes, it’s good for you but no fiber. I eat a fair amount of fiber. But I’m 47 and it’s becoming a struggle. And yes, I eat too much chocolate.

        • N

          Honestly, IIRC, Jillian Michaels promoted “3 glass of milk a day to lose weight” during a season of the Biggest Loser, so I would take that with a grain of salt. “As much dairy” is also a very vague term – unless you’re drinking it by the gallon, a bit on your cereal can’t be too bad in the long run.

    • SF Bay Associate

      What brand is your almond milk? My Blue Diamond vanilla almond milk is plenty thin for cereal. Whole Foods carries unsweetened Blue Diamond almond milk too. Given that almond milk is ground almonds + water, adding water should work just fine.

      • NOLA

        It’s the Blue Diamond. I’m wondering if it’s because I’m used to skim milk. I’ve tried both the regular and shelf-stable. The regular in the refrigerator case was really thick. It worked fine if the cereal was fairly light (like Cheerios) but made a total glop out of my Special K protein plus. I think it might help me to eat less cereal as well – it was so filling!

        • SF Bay Associate

          Hmm, I normally drink 1% milk, which seems to be the same thickness (??) as the Blue Diamond refrigerated. Maybe the unsweetened is thicker, or maybe you had an errant carton? I put the vanilla BD fridge almond milk in my kashi golean crunch cereal. It also sounds like I will have to give Special K protein plus a try… I am in love with protein cereal.

          • NOLA

            I really like the protein plus. It’s a bit heavier flakes than the normal Special K. More like Total or Wheaties in consistency, but I thought it would be good for me.

          • PghAnon

            Special K protein plus is awesome. It has a TON of protein for cereal. I am definitely a person who only wants carbs in the morning and this is a great way to trick myself. It’s still not going to get you all your protein for the day by any means, but it’s a much better alternative than any other cereal I’ve found.

    • Flamingo

      I also use the Blue Diamond Unsweetened vanilla (pink tag) and it seems fine for cereal. When I was being militant about the calories i used to do 1/2 cup almond milk and 1/2 cup water, but I found the calorie savings (20 or something equally small) wasn’t worth it. You may like it though.

    • Pinecone

      I make iced coffee using instant coffee + unsweetened almond milk with a little bit of water to thin it out.. i think the viscosity is closer to skim milk but the water/almond milk seem to remain slightly separated.

      • NOLA

        The Dr. Oz article I read recently said you’re better off with low-fat milk. I don’t remember why. But oddly, I like skim milk better.

        • Lyssa

          I like skim better, too – people think I’m weird, but I think of milk as a refreshing beverage, and fat makes it less refreshing to me.

      • Lilly

        The dairy=weight loss study from a few years ago was done through the University of Tennessee, and it received underwriting from the dairy industry.

    • Gigi

      Count calories. It’s such a pain in the a$$ and can drive one batty (and make one too militant about food choices), but it’s also the best way to really get an idea of how much you’re eating. Then you can adjust your diet to meet your calorie and nutrition needs. (And I mean count calories for everything – including fruits, veggies and healthy stuff – it all sadly adds up.)

      • E

        Exactly. This is the only thing that works for me, but it also becomes very easy to slip into disordered eating this way. Set a calorie goal for the day, and if you’re under by 100 calories at the end of the day, eat another 100 calories. Don’t just pat yourself on the back and go to bed, because then it will become a game to see how far under you can go… not a good path. That said, Gigi is right that you have to count everything. I can’t tell you how many times my well meaning boyfriend would say “no one ever got fat eating too many apples,” but trust me, if the overall calories (eaten – burned) aren’t at a deficit, I won’t lose weight. Period.

        • NOLA

          Thanks but I wasn’t really looking for weight loss advice. I was just asking about the milk and it came up in the conversation. I have lost plenty of weight – 90 lbs just 6 years ago by eating less, eating better and moving more and I get everything you’re saying. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with my body before I get into that again. Being on the far end of my 40s seems to be making a difference.

    • anon

      Maybe try giving up sugar before cutting out dairy.

      When I gain weight and don’t manage to lose it, I take a cold, hard look at my diet for a week and usually can pinpoint the culprit. It’s the small things ! Ex : overeating “healthy foods” (almonds, I’m looking at you), the occasional treats that end up daily treat or the “small” dish of whole-grain pasta the size of a molehill.

      Oh, and sugar is a big no-no for me. Just cutting it out works wonder. The first few days are hard, though.

      • Merabella

        The overeating of healthy foods is a big thing for me too. I convince myself “avocados are good for you” and then proceed to eat an entire bowl of guacamole… #badlifechoices

  6. sigh

    I think I have dandruff. There’s no other explanation for little white flakes on my scalp, right? Sigh. How do I treat/prevent this? Is there a better option than Head & Shoulders?

    • anon

      What is your current hair routine? Mine cleared up by switching to sulfate free shampoo and conditioner.

    • Locomotive

      When I was 20 I finally admitted to myself that I do indeed have dandruff. I use selsun blue and love it. It doesn’t work really well as a normal sudsing shampoo, so I usually take a bit, massage it onto my scalp, then wash the rest of my hair with my normal shampoo. After using it consistently every time I washed my hair, I’ve been able to back off to only using the selsun blue 1-2x a week and not see flakes.

      • M-C

        This is totally the best product to use. You can get stronger strength by prescription, but it’s hardly ever necessary.

    • TK1

      It could also be eczemza or psoriasis. Do you have any skin issues or just the dandruff? I use tea tree shampoo to keep mine eczema flakes under control.

    • SAB

      Is it product buildup? Adding some baking soda to a handful of shampoo makes an easy and cheap clarifying shampoo that doesn’t mess up color-treated hair. I have also used a few drops of tea tree oil in my shampoo if my scalp is really itchy.

      • Anne Shirley

        Caution: one of the side effects of this is that it may discolor hair. Signed- oops I turned my blonde hair brown for a while

  7. Parker

    I agree that they have a fantastic selection on the site and are a great choice for people in rural areas or people without a lot of time to peruse. I especially love that their selection is limited enough to not overwhelm me. However, I do find they are not always the cheapest. I’ve found several of their lower-budget stuff a few no-name-made-in-China bling stores around NYC for a third of the Bauble Bar price or less.

  8. Pretzel_Logic

    So I learned last night that I am not in fact a 36B as I thought for roughly a decade, but rather a 32D. New bras that fit properly = life changing. Moral of the story, I guess, is get those puppies measured. Also, LOL that it took me this long to figure that out.

    • Jo March

      I’m in just about the same boat. It’s tough when you are a non-standard size!

    • Jenna Rink

      Life changing! I started wearing my correct size a few months ago. Yesterday was laundry day and I tried to put on one of my old bras and simply couldn’t believe how poorly it fit. I threw all the old ones out.

    • beccavt

      Haha, that is exactly what happened to me when I finally got a fitting at Nordstrom last month, right down to the sizes. The new bras look waaaay better now, go figure.

      • Pretzel_Logic

        I made the girl measure twice because I didn’t think that was possible, ha. I never knew bra straps weren’t supposed to dig into my shoulders…

    • darjeeling

      Does the band not feel tight now? I think I am probably in the wrong size but I’m pretty resistant to sizing down on the band b/c it seems like it would be uncomfortable or cause bulges so I’ve put off getting properly sized for basically years.

      • Another Zumba Fan

        I highly recommend getting fitted. I went down two band sizes and my new bras fit so much better. I learned that a new bra should fit snugly on the first set of hooks.

      • Pretzel_Logic

        It’s snug but comfortable. It doesn’t dig into my skin anyplace and also looks a zillion times better.

        I had thought I was in the wrong size for a while, turns out…lol. It’s free to find out so I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for a fitting next time you’re out.

      • M-C

        It you already know you’re in the wrong size, you should just shut up and go do it. What could you possibly gain by insisting on wearing the wrong size? The right size will be more comfortable than you can even imagine.

      • Marie Curie

        It might feel a bit tight at first, but that goes away soon (unless you are wearing a too tight band … note to self: 28 band size is not good) and the uplift is just so much better with a tighter band. Now I actually find loose bra bands really uncomfortable.
        Why not just go to a good department store and try out some snugger bands? That can’t hurt.

    • Nonny

      Oh, this happened to me last year. I felt like a Whole New Woman. And I felt so stupid for wearing the wrong size for a large proportion of my adult life. Oh well. Enjoy the new you!

    • Another Zumba Fan

      I recently got fitted at Nordstrom. I walked away with my new size, sister size (one band size bigger/one cup size smaller), and two new bras. Then, for comparison, I stopped at Victoria’s Secret for a fitting and was quoted a completely different size. I’m sticking with the info I got at Nordstrom. I had a better experience and have more confidence in what I was told.

      • a passion for fashion

        VS sucks in that regard. I got measured there at a 36A. i got home an none of the bras really felt like they fit right. a few weeks later i got measured at nordstrom as a 32C. fit like a charm.

        • anon456

          same here! 32DD/DDD. VS tried to give me a 34B. I laughed at the thought of trying to fit in those cups!

    • Anon in Canada

      Did this a few months ago, too… just from 36C to 34DD, but what a difference!

      A band that stays put below shoulderblades. Cups that don’t crush the breast tissue. I CAN RULE THE WORLD.

  9. anon here

    Tomorrow we’re finally taking the jump to our first session of marital counseling. I’m very nervous and nauseated at the thought of discussing our private marital troubles with a stranger.
    I’ve spent all day making a list of manifestations of a marital problem we have. We’re going to counseling because there is a specific problem in our marriage that is making me very unhappy, and he argues that said problem does not exist and is made up in my head.
    I feel guilty and wrong in sitting down and writing out a list of specific instances supporting the existence of X problem (love does not keep a record of wrongs…) and also I feel terrified that we’ll go into counseling and the counselor will say something like, Yes you are crazy for making up these crazy problems and this is all your fault. And that then I will entirely alone in the world.

    That’s all. I’m scared and feel guilty for saying I have a major problem I can’t get over with the wonderful man I’m married to.

    • Jo March

      Hugs. That sounds hard. But at least he’s willing to give it a go, which is probably why – despite this major problem – you still think he’s wonderful.

      Also: good for you for taking this step! It’s hard when our cultural narrative is that twue wuv never needs any work or help or maintenance to keep being wonderful. So good on you guys for making the effort to get things right :)

    • cfm

      Even if the counselor said that, you wouldn;t be all alone in the world! Would your husband be all alone in the world if the counselor illuminated that the problem did exist? its hard for me to imagine a hypo where one thinks something exists and the other doesn’t but, but either way I don’t think the counselor is there to choose a winner. its not a judge you are pleading your case to. I think youll both work out some better communication skills, and hopefully get to the root of why he thinks it doesnt exist, and why you think it does.

    • N.

      Don’t be scared! It sounds like you’re doing exactly the right thing by going to talk these issues out in therapy. There’s absolutely no way that a therapist worth his/her salt is just going to dismiss you and tell you that your problems are crazy, they’re trained to take you seriously and treat your troubles with empathy (no matter how wacky your problems might seem to you). Particularly if your husband thinks that these things are all in your head, it will probably be really helpful to have a neutral third party there to validate your unhappiness so that you can start to work through it.

      My advice for the first day would be to just take it slow, you don’t have to go in with a laundry list of all your evidence. It’s not court. The first few sessions are mainly to develop a good relationship with the therapist so that there’s some trust there when you start working on the hard stuff that’s really bothering you.

    • Flamingo

      I’m all over this thread, but I’ll give my 2 cents. Writing the list is helpful to jog your memory, think about what’s bothering you and maybe zero in on what you want to address. Be prepared for the fact that the counselor may not even want to get to the list the first few sessions as he/she takes time to get some background on you. And, it’s common to find that what you thought was the problem is actually a symptom of something else, so the list may evolve and that’s OK. Kudos to you for taking a step to work on things!

      • CW

        I agree – a therapist is going to help you figure out why you’re so upset, and help your DH figure out why he doesn’t acknowledge there is an issue. Ideally the therapy will help you and your DH improve your communication skills so that if/when issues like this come up in the future, you both have the ability to identify and empathize with the other’s position. I hope it works out for you!

    • JK

      Good for you! I think taking the time to make a list shows that you’re invested in working on the problem and don’t want to simply make general, unsubstantiated accusations. In fact, this is probably what you have to do, since you said your husband doesn’t think there is a problem.

      Take a deep breath. Hug your husband. Keep your chin up!

    • January

      I might be too cynical, but I’d also urge you to consider individual counseling if this is in any way a legitimate fear. You don’t need your husband and the counselor ganging up on you. I believe this is why individual counseling is recommended in abuse situations (which, of course, I very much hope is not the case for you). Just something to think about. Good luck.

      • M-C

        It’s not too cynical, it’s realistic. If you have the kind of manipulative creep that tries to make you doubt the reality you see with your own eyes, he’s likely to be able to pull the wool over the therapist’s eyes even better.
        In fact, that’s typical abusive behavior. And couples counseling hardly ever works for that, because of the lying problem, so I’d definitely second an individual therapist instead.

    • JessBee

      Good luck, hun. Try to think of the counselor as someone who will help you and your husband work out your problem together, not as a kind of umpire who will decide whether you’re right or your husband is right. Clearly, there is something between you that needs to be resolved, even if it’s just disagreeing that much over whether something is a problem. Also, if your counselor makes you feel crazy or alone, find a new counselor! Counselors/Therapists are NOT one-size-fits-all, and it is so, so important to find one that makes both you and your husband comfortable.

    • anonnyugrad

      This. I’m in law school and in the same boat, but haven’t convinced the husband on marriage counseling yet. Good luck!!

    • chicago

      Most likely the counselor will not take sides and will not tell you or him that he is crazy. Their job is to help you both.

      But if this is a real problem, where one or the other of you is delusional or abusive, it might not work unless you also get individual counseling. I was with a guy who was controlling, possessive, and jealous. he was convinced I was cheating on him and the problems kept escalating. It was clear I was the rational, clear-thinking one, but the couples counselor would not call him out on his delusion. Having my own individual counselor helped me to process what was happening in the relationship and in the couples counseling. If you are this nervous about going to couples counseling, I would suggest both for you.

  10. gref

    Can someone please tell me whether or not I’m being an impatient jerk?

    Got a text over the weekend from my dentist reminding me that it’s time to make my 6 month checkup appointment. I called this morning around 9:30ish to set one up, and the call went to voicemail (which says “our office is open today, but not during lunch”). I called back a half hour later, and still got voicemail, so I left a message saying I’d like to set up an appointment. It’s mid-afternoon and they still haven’t gotten back to me.

    Is it too brash of me to consider switching dentists if they don’t get back to me by the end of the day? I’m not trying to get an evening/after-hours appointment, but I do feel like if I call during business hours someone should answer the phone. I have broken up with hair salons over this. My dental plan lists dozens of providers in my zip code.

    Also…any tips on how to find medical professionals that have good customer service?

    • EC MD

      I would say ideally, they would have already gotten back to you, and by the end of the day for sure. However, I will also say the Monday AM can be very busy in medical practices, as many people with urgent issues call in to be dealt with after the weekend. Additionally, emergency dental services are even more difficult to obtain than emergency medical services, so they may be extra busy on Monday morning.

      On a personal level, if I liked my dentist and the office was generally organized, it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me (if it was a dental emergency/urgency, that would be different). But only you can decide for yourself. In looking for other dentists, I think a personal reference is always best — I’d recommend asking around. And I would ask specifically about communication issues, if this is something your particularly sensitive to.

      • Darby

        I think a little patience is needed for small businesses like your dentist, hairdresser, etc… Personally, I’d cut them a bit more of a break if you otherwise like them. You might also want to ask if there’s a better way to communicate with them, for example my hairdresser is great on email after hours but during the day he’s cutting hair.

    • aft

      Eh, if this was a place that you had to go into frequently, that might be a dealbreaker, but I don’t think it would bother me if in the case of a dentist where you only have to do this every 6 months. Besides, the receptionist isn’t the one working on your mouth. If you like your dentist/hygienist, and barring some other unprofessional front desk behavior like sharing confidential info, I wouldn’t leave for this. Based on my experience, most dentists don’t have strong business skills and are so engrossed in their work that they don’t even realize how their front office staff reflects on them. And the offices that do have the slick front office staff often have the worst dentists.

    • Seattleite

      I’d also consider that maybe their front-office person is out sick today and they haven’t been able to get a temp in yet. If this is happening every time you call, yeah, I’d look elsewhere. But I’d give a good dentist and great hygenists a pass if my call went to voice mail one or two days out of the year.

    • rosie

      If I liked the dentist, I would not switch over that. Phone tag to make an appointment is less of an annoyance to me than wait time in the office–not sure if that’s also an issue for your dentist. I would also consider what kind of practice it is. If it’s a small office, I would cut them some slack–the receptionist could be out of the office.

    • Flamingo

      Tricky… Good dentists are hard to find (or it seems like it anyways). So, if I really liked the work that the dentist herself / himself does, I would just mention something to them at the next visit.

      I did find a new optometrist because the front desk staff would leave me on hold forever, or would hang up on me instead of transfer me.

    • gref

      Thank you for the feedback! I called back later this afternoon and they picked up so I made my appointment. This sort of thing is typical of my dentist–they have really bad office hours, they’re hard to get on the phone, they’ve messed up my billing, etc. But they are nice and it is hard to find a good dentist.

      In my mind I was comparing it to my ladydoc, who is in a practice with 5-6 doctors, so the office is busy and there is always someone to pick up the phone and help. I’m not sure that that exists with dentists!

  11. Accountress

    What’s the last thing that surprised you when going through your wardrobe/makeup/jewelry? Like, maybe, you always thought you wore a lot of one particular color, but actually that color is dwarfed by another?

    Por moi: I was organizing the nail lacquer in my traincase this weekend, and I realized that I have 5 different shades of green lacquer- and that doesn’t even include the greenish glow-in-the-dark polish I got after Halloween (full size, and you’d be surprised how frequently I make excuses to wear it).

    • Monday

      I realized I hate t-shirts! I owned tons because they’re cheap and ubiquitous, but I wear them much less often than silk shirts and button fronts. So I purged tees and don’t miss any of them! decided that pricier shirts are much better for me based on cost per wear.

    • DC Jenny

      I realized that instead of organizing my drawers by tops and bottoms, it made much more sense to organize them by work/going out clothes and home/lounge/dog-walking clothes.

    • May

      I’ve bought the exact same shade of lipstick thrice!! Now that’s bordering Denentia :)

  12. January

    Hi ladies! I had an interview a couple of weeks ago for a job that would be a really good opportunity for me. The recruiter told me at the time that they did not expect to make a decision before the end of the month. Is there anything I can do to help bolster my case in the meantime?

    • SAB

      If they were clear that they are going to take a few weeks, you can’t do much other than sit and wait. Patiently. If it’s just driving you nuts, then reach out to the recruiter and see if there is anything else that they need from you. Then return to your patiently waiting game.

  13. Jenna Rink

    I believe there are a few other people in higher education here. How much flexibility does your school give in negotiating salary for staff, and where in the salary range do your positions usually start? I’m also curious if your school is public or private. I’m currently looking/interviewing, and trying to get a sense for what is realistic. At my public university most positions start at quartile with very little flexibility. My department is especially stingy, and starts a little under quartile, but that isn’t normal. I’ve never known anyone in a regular staff position to negotiate their starting rate at all. Do people negotiate salary for staff positions at other universities?

    • NOLA

      Mine is private. I’m assuming you’re not talking about faculty, but staff. For staff here there are “bands” and the position is within a band and there are quartiles within the band, based on years of experience. We usually base staff salaries on what we have in the budget, how that person compares with others in the same dept., and comparisons with other institutions. I’ve mentioned this before, but have you tried to get the CUPA data for your position? Sometimes the best thing is to compare yourself with comparable positions in other institutions, especially peers or aspirational schools.

      • Jenna Rink

        Thanks NOLA! I hadn’t seen the CUPA data before. There were some really interesting comparisons there, especially given some of our financial issues.

        • NOLA

          I’m glad it was helpful! Sometimes it’s not – there are subtle differences in the type of job it is and differences in organizations. Also, as my colleague and I recently discussed, it’s assuming that the person had excellent reviews all of those years. That said, it was really helpful for us in determining where we had equity issues amongst our staff.

    • JessBee

      Public university academic staff here. My job was a little bit flexible, because I’m the first person in this unit to have a position like mine (long story), but I know that generally there is very little flexibility. The best chance of negotiating up in our system is to get them to offer you a higher grade out of the gate, which is sometimes possible if your experience/education/credentials justify it. Good luck!

    • Also in Academia

      Public state college staff here — at my school you can negotiate a bit, but the hiring person generally does not have flexibility to go above the midpoint of whatever range the position is in. Things that might enable them to go closer to the midpoint or — rarely — exceed it might include things like having a doctorate when only a masters is required, or having some special certification (the counseling department uses this one a lot, as it is extremely relevant there). Also, just know that if you negotiate for a higher rate and the hiring person seems amenable, they still have to go convince their VP, and then at my school at least there is a whole other round of paperwork (re-doing all the initial hiring paperwork that they had to do to be allowed to offer you whatever they did at the beginning) that has to be signed off on by multiple people before they can officially offer you the higher rate. And heaven forbid one of those signatories be on vacation, it’s all put on hold until they come back. So patience is a virtue for the candidate!

    • illinois

      I work at a public university. There is little negotiating room for faculty, and even less for staff. I think the negotiation room depends whether or not staff are unionized. If it is an “academic professional” position, there is a little more room, but not much funds to be had.

      I think generally, academic staff jobs are cushy, with excellent benefits, lots of time off, and set hours, so the benefits and work time flexibility are desirable enough that salaries can be kept low. Also, once in the position, if the department likes you, you will get a lot of consideration for personal leave etc. There are usually lots of people eager to land the job, making your negotiating position weak.

  14. Totes McGotes

    Jury duty tomorrow.. any opinions on what to wear? In this particular jurisdiction I’ll likely be more dressed up than any other potential juror no matter what I put on, but since I may run into people I know I’d like to strike a balance between “Hi, I’m a lawyer” and “It’s my day off, suckas!” I assume I can’t wear jeans?

    • darjeeling

      I think you can wear jeans no problem actually. That was one of the joys of getting put on a 4-week grand jury a couple of years ago.

    • clerk

      HAHAHAHAHA!

      I’m just laughing at the jeans part. I work in a trial court and most of the time jury duty looks like a People of Wal-Mart ad. If you have jeans on, you will already be in the top 80% of dressiness. We’ve had people show up with fuzzy slippers on.

    • Jules

      I wouldn’t wear jeans — maybe a pantsuit or separates? I was called once, for a state court jury. I wore a light colored pantsuit, as it was a hot day in the summer. I was still the most formally dressed person in the jury pool, but since I would have to confess to be a lawyer if asked, I wanted to look professional. (We sat around all morning and then the pending criminal case pled out. The prosecutor is a casual friend, and he noticed me in the hallway leaving with the other jurors and said, “oh, I wouldn’t have let you be on the jury, I never put laywers on.” Half day wasted.)

      • TCFKAG

        Fun story. A lawyer friend of mine actually got on a criminal trial once (just drunk driving, but still). So don’t assume! :-)

        • D Train

          Fun story. A lawyer friend of mine actually got on a criminal trial once (just drunk driving, but still). So don’t assume! :-)

        • CA Atty

          My boyfriend was a deputy sheriff for most of his life and he made it on a jury too! To be fair, it’s only because of him that the prosecutor wasn’t able to hang an evidence-lacking charge on the defendant that the other jurors would have convicted on because “heck, the other three drug charges were legit, this one must be too!”

          Of course my boyfriend walked out shaking his head and mumbling under his breath about sh*tty police work and probably “you kids get off my lawn!” :-)

      • DC Jenny

        In DC so many people are lawyers that excuse doesn’t fly at all. I wonder if I could get excused because I’m friends with so many prosecutors?

        • Bonnie

          Nope. My husband barely gets off jury duty an he’s married to a prosecutor!

      • a passion for fashion

        i got through 2 days of juror questioning — at the court i was currently clerking in (different judge obviusly) before someone decided to use a peremptory on me.

    • AnonInfinity

      I think I would just feel really weird going into a courtroom with jeans on now that I am a lawyer. I would wear my most comfortable dress pants, flats, a t-shirt, and a cardigan.

    • SoCalAtty

      Every time I walk into a courtroom in a non-lawyer capacity, even if no one knows I’m a lawyer, and I’m not wearing a suit, I feel…uncomfortable. For my jury duty calls and other things, like “I’m just here to file something” runs, I just do a more casual suit with a shell underneath. Maybe a blazer with cute lining so I can roll the sleeves up. When I’m in for jury duty I have no issue with taking the blazer off and hanging out in just the shell. Then, when you get in front of a judge, you can put your jacket back on and not risk being noticed. You never know when you might end up in front of the same judge!

    • Senior Attorney

      Honestly, you just need to be decently covered. Jeans are fine. The last jury trial I had, one of the jurors was wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said something like “Zoned Out” on the day of closing arguments!

    • CA Atty

      But actually, I also have been called to jury duty and made it into the box…but I was wearing my suit because I had to go to the office after regardless of the time I was let go.

      Still, jeans would be fine, just don’t strap on a flask and wear a t-shirt saying “DUIs don’t count till someone’s bleeding.” (True story.)

    • lawsuited

      I can’t believe you have to attend a jury pool! I just state on my card that I’m a lawyer and send it back to the sherriff never to hear from them again…. My SO and other family members just state that they’re *related* to a lawyer and none of them have ever been called to the pool either!

      • Anonymous NYer

        you must not live in an area with a lot of lawyers. That would never work in NY or DC, or, I imagine, most large cities…

        • Amy H.

          This definitely doesn’t work in San Francisco. Two different colleagues at my prior law firm (MidLaw — about 50 attorneys) were empanelled as jurors within the space of eighteen months. Both civil lawyers — both civil trials.

    • Totes McGotes

      Thanks ladies!

      Based on the mix of responses, I’m thinking a blazer and shell with dark wash jeans and either a loafer or ballet flat. Clerk, I have definitely seen the kinds of stuff you’re talking about, but I think fuzzy slippers are a new one! (Though I have definitely wound up with my Ugg-style slippers on in places I didn’t intend b/c they’re so comfy – or if I’m wearing bootcut jeans – and forgot what I had on my feet!… Although by that I mean “the movies” or “Target,” not freakin court.)

      I fully expect to have to attend, if not actually to serve. The jurisdiction’s jury pool is totally jacked for a number of reasons, such that if you are registered here you WILL be called for duty every year. I recently (past six months maybe?) changed my registration from a neighboring – and very different – jurisdiction, so that’s the only reason I’m a first-timer. I have no delusions that I’ll be exempted for being a lawyer!

      • Nancy P

        I think that’s the perfect outfit. I just did a jury trial, and that to me would convey “she is a professional who doesn’t have to go to the office today.” I wouldn’t just another lawyer for wearing jeans; I’d be jealous.

    • M-C

      Are you kidding? You could go in your pajamas, all they care about is you showing up. I totally believe the fuzzy slippers story :-).

  15. CW

    I think I may actually be able to go home at a reasonable hour today, and I’m inspired to cook dinner! Any recommendations for a healthy, Indian meal?

    • N.

      Manjula’s kitchen is a great resource for Indian cooking — I’ve made lots of her recipes and they’re all fab.

      http://www.manjulaskitchen.com/

      I especially love the samosa recipe she has, which is not especially healthy, but can be made a little more healthy by baking them instead of deep frying them.

    • M-C

      Am totally happy with a recent Madhur Jaffrey “easy curry”. The simplicy born of age and wisdom – yumm!

    • AnnonFoo

      I have learned most of my Indian cooking from blogs as I never ventured into the kitchen when I lived with my parents.

      I love this blog for vegan + healthy version of popular Indian dishes http://www.holycowvegan.net/

      Manjulaskitchen is also good for vegetarian dishes, but note her recipes don’t have onion/garlic (some folks follow that dietary restriction) which I think adds an extra kick to most Indian dishes.

  16. KSouth

    Has anyone used a recruiter recently to find a legal position in NYC? I am currently a 2nd year associate with an IP focus. I am looking to move in September when I will almost be a third year associate. Does anyone have any recommendations?

    • Wilmer

      I don’t have a recruiter recommendation, but WilmerHale is actively recruiting mid level associates for their IP litigation group. I don’t know anything about their needs in NYC but we are hiring like gangbusters in other offices. Something to check out.

      • KSouth

        Thanks you so much for the information. I will definitely look into the firm and their NYC needs.

    • RussiaRepeat

      Do you subscribe to IP Law 360? They have position listings for associates in every day’s email. I also really like my recruiter who I used to get my current job (in NYC), if you shoot me an email at fishyangel at gmail dot com, I’ll send you his contact info.

      • KSouth

        Thank you for the offer, RussiaRepeat. I will be sending you an email shortly.

  17. CA Atty

    Can anyone from Seattle or nearby give me some advice on getting two people with no car, one of whom is 95 years old and being released from the hospital tomorrow or Wednesday, from Port Angeles to the Seattle airport? They’re in Victoria right now and can potentially just fly from there, but that seems ridiculous when it’ll cost a couple hundred dollars and several hours in layovers more than getting to the Seattle airport and it’s a $17 ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles!

    I’ve had no luck finding a ferry from Victoria to Seattle directly (I think they can do it if they go through other islands/ports, but they would have to switch boats and the 95 year old can’t really walk and will hopefully be in a wheelchair but so far is refusing), and the person who had committed to drive them from Port Angeles to Seattle tomorrow just called and said she flew to Arizona last night. There must be a bus or a shuttle, right? There doesn’t appear to be much of anything in Port Angeles!

    Thanks for any advice!

    • Accountress

      Have you looked at non-emergency ambulance services? It might be expensive, but with someone that age, having someone with that kind of medical and driving experience with them could save a lot in peace of mind.

      Of course, I’m in Florida and have no idea what options are available in the PNW.

    • InfoGeek

      It’s been a few years, but I know that we took a boat from Seattle to Victoria (and back) when we went to Seattle on vacation and did a daytrip to Victoria.

      I don’t remember if this is what we used, but it was something similar to this:
      http://www.clippervacations.com/ferry/

      • CA Atty

        Jeez, my google-fu is definitely failing. THANK YOU. I seriously have spent several hours on this over several different days and did not see this service.

      • Circe

        Yes, I’ve used the clipper. You can get a taxi or a shuttle from the clipper dock to the airport pretty easily, and the clipper vacations folks can probably book that for you.

      • CA Atty

        Ah, I see why, it’s also pretty expensive (compared to the $17 each way to go into Port Angeles).

        I just called to give them the options and see what they wanted to do and now it’s sounding like they will just fly out of Victoria after all. It’s $200 per person more which (I still think) sounds ridiculous, but they’ll only be traveling 5 hours and everything will be more direct. They will still fly from Victoria to Seattle and then directly home, but I don’t think (hope!) it’s not a seaplane.

        Now I’m just frustrated and irritated. I’ve seriously spent hours on this chasing down information on this or that direction that they decide they want to do, don’t want to do, etc…and they ended up just going with the easiest and most expensive that was the very FIRST thing I provided.

        Thanks for all your help, you guys are the best!

    • TCFKAG

      Um…did they fly to Arizona because a vampire is hunting them? Sorry…couldn’t resist.

      What about a hired car service? Otherwise, there must be a greyhound or equivalent from Port Angeles to Seattle, since its a bit of a tourist destination now.

      • TCFKAG

        Here’s a bus that looks like it will get you Port Angeles to Seattle.

        http://www.olympicbuslines.com/

        Also, it looks like there is a ferry that goes straight Victoria to Seattle, though I remember when I was in Victoria, we went Victoria to Port Angeles and drove to Seattle from there, so I don’t remember why.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        hey, if you weren’t making the Twilight reference, I was going to… No shame…

    • cbackson

      My thoughts: The Victoria Clipper runs directly from Victoria to Seattle, and then you can easily get a taxi from immediately in front of the terminal in Seattle to the airport. I believe it’s $60-70 one-way, and there are at least two sailings per day usually.

      There is a Port Angeles-SeaTac shuttle on Olympic Buslines. I suspect it’ll be a pretty long trip, and I’m not sure how much it costs. My guess is that it goes via either the BBI or Bremerton ferries, so you’re definitely looking at 3 hours or so.

      Kenmore Air will fly from Victoria to Seattle and then shuttle them to SeaTac, but I think it’s probably a seaplane, and I don’t know if that makes sense for an ill person.

    • GovtMom

      Could you rent them a limo/executive car? I just did a quick Google search and found an executive car service in Port Angeles.

    • Seattleite

      I don’t know where my earlier reply went:

      wwwDOTkenmoreairDOTcom. They fly directly from Victoria’s inner harbour to Sea-Tac airport. I’ve used them, found the pilots to be very friendly and kind, and have had great personalized service. Surprisingly affordable.

      • Nonny

        This is what I was going to say. Put them on Kenmore Air if they are comfortable with sea planes. It is way easier and less stressful than taking the ferry. It is not really that expensive and they will be there in an hour.

        OR they can fly directly from Victoria airport to Sea-Tac. I can’t remember what airlines do this, but flights go every half hour or so. They would just need to take a taxi to the Victoria airport. The Victoria airport is quite small and easy to get around – not a lot of walking required.

        Hope this helps.

    • M-C

      I’ve taken a direct ferry from Seattle to Victoria. But granted it was a while ago, although I had the impression that there were more ferries now, not less.

  18. Professionalism Faux Paus

    New to a dream job. Four weeks in and I’ve already had my skills coach talk to me to tell me that two of my colleagues have (not maliciously and with good intentions) raised some points about my professionalism. I’ll admit I knew there was a distinct possibility that this would come up. I came from an industry (and an office) that was very laid back. As a result of my young age and my tendencies to tell somewhat off color jokes, I have been trying really hard to tone it down at work. I dress more conservatively than most and try to keep my mouth shut but I’m a personable sort and I like to talk and make people laugh. Right now I’m in tears and so angry at myself but I know that this is a small gaffe (at least she said it was and that it’s better to hear now before I become known as “that girl”) but right now it feels massive. I’m going to work on drawing the line between work and personal but right now, and even before, it feels like I’m always having to watch my step and I just feel…so tense all the time. I am glad she told me. I would’ve hated to be defined by something like this when I know better and am willing to work on it.

    So, if you’re not too shy, please make me feel better by posting some of your own faux paus you made early on in your career that you look back on and laugh about.

    • Phone Anon

      A few years ago, I made fun of someone while they were listening. This was someone who got on my last nerve for a number of reasons, and one day I pretended to be her answering the phone in her uber high pitched voice. Unfortunately, I did not know that she and one of the higher ups were standing right behind me. I wanted to DIE. Luckily, my performance was great otherwise, so it didn’t escalate. Still, it has been years and I still cringe every time I remember being mean to her.

      • Faux pas with silver lining

        Mine is similar to Phone Anon’s. I wrote an email with an nasty comment about a colleague and instead of sending it to my friend, I sent it to the colleague. Didn’t even notice I’d done it … until she replied! She reported the incident to our mutual boss and of course I was mortified. Fortunately, the whole thing led to our boss bringing us together for some much-needed counseling about our working relationship and things improved significantly from there.

    • anon456

      Right out of college, I was really into making popular songs my ringtone on my cell. More often than I want to remember, I would forget to turn down my cell when I came into work, and whatever the hit song of 2004 was would blast throughout the office. Most of the time, I would be sitting at my desk and catch it. But on more than one occasion, I was in a different part of the office completely and had to run across the office to turn it off. Humiliating. You would think the lesson would stick the first time…

        • AnonInfinity

          My favorite ringtone event was when “I’m In Love With A Stripper” started blasting from someone’s purse in church.

          • anon456

            haha! I don’t remember what it was. I was pretty young and dumb, but I don’t think it was that bad. :) The thought of unedited Magic Stick blasting out of my purse threw me into a fit of giggles at my desk though. :)

    • faux pas

      While on a business trip with three high-level execs, I made a comment about how I thought it was silly for people to bring their toddler-age children to super fancy and expensive restaurants… to which the highest-ranking exec replied, “Sometimes we have to do that because we can’t find a baby sitter…” Foot. In. Mouth.

      • Going for it

        As a parent, I’m with you! You don’t “have to.” You can skip going out or choose a family friendly dining option instead.

    • Anon in ATX

      As long as you are willing to address this and work on the problem, please don’t be too hard on yourself about it.

      Here’s mine: At my very first plea bargain hearing as an attorney, I moved to offer the police report into evidence. The judge asked me for a copy of the report (duh!) to give to the clerk to place in the record. I just froze b/c I didn’t have a copy (not sure where I thought it was going to appear from, exactly) & then had to scramble to get the copy from the prosecutor. GAH! Sooooo embarrasing! Luckily, come to find out it was a visiting judge, so not too much damage done.

      • Professionalism Faux Paus

        I’m trying to remain positive. My mentor did have some helpful words “You would rather know, deal with and process this now than 6 months from now when your reputation is set” and “It’s always best to be as private as possible and keep your personal life under wraps, you never know what may happen”.

        It’s just a little bit of a self-esteem bust since I was so excited to start, get along with everyone, make new friends, etc etc. I guess I took it too far and now I’m having trouble trying not to go to the other extreme of being unfriendly reserved but it’s my instinct to reign back a lot. Finding that happy medium is more difficult than people make it sound I guess.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Not personal to me, but our new document management system automatically saves associated emails to the system unless you remember to “unassociate” them. About half the office can’t seem to remember this. I keep stumbling across emails with snarky or wildly inappropriate comments about other people in the office. I’m just waiting for someone who cares to notice.

    • CA Atty

      I have 2 for you.

      #1 when I was a prosecutor I forgot to ask my officer witness “did this crime happen within X County?” Luckily I had the case law at hand for asking the judge to take judicial notice of the area in question (since many many prosecutors before me have made the same mistake) AND I had submitted a map we got from the County office into evidence and it clearly said on it “Map of X County.” (I also think the Defense attorney slipped and asked the defendant a question in which he put the County name, I took a note! But he denied it and the Judge didn’t let us look at the record but did rule in my favor.)

      #2 Later, working for a firm, at a fancy-a$$ dinner one of the partner’s wife brought up the Tiger Woods scandal and asked what I thought. I stared there was no excuse for cheating, I was totally on his wife’s side, and that if I ever found out a husband was cheating on me, particularly to the extent of Tiger Woods, I would walk that day. Period. No going back. Well, turns out both of the partners had cheated on their spouses who were sitting at the table and listening in. One I guess I kind of knew, I just didn’t want to believe it, but the other I had no idea.

      When I realized I had basically just told my two senior partners’ wives that I didn’t respect their choices??? Yeah, low as a snake’s underbelly.

      • Professionalism Faux Paus

        Yeah I’m at least thankful that the people seem to have good intentions (as in not reporting me or mentioning it to my boss) and genuinely are trying to help. I just feel like such a fool and I’m embarrassed if I made anyone else uncomfortable. That was certainly not my intent.

        Being relatively new and young I tend to dress overly conservatively in an attempt to be taken more seriously. So it’s kind of a slap in the face to hear “oh she must be straight out of school, yeah I can tell…”.

        • Professionalism Faux Pas

          and I just realized I spelled faux pas wrong the first time and it repeated. Now all I need is to have someone ask me if I go to their local middle school to make my day complete.

          • DC Law

            It’s going to be okay! People will forgive you for being young — gosh, you really can’t help how old you are. There are a lot of things you can only learn through experience. Like not wearing flip flops to court (did that when I was a 20-year-old intern); checking to make sure your dress isn’t see-through when you’re wearing striped underwear (did that in the same internship); listening very carefully when being given your assignment so as not to spend 20 hours writing a memo on electric regs when the partner asked for gas (did that last year!) etc… We all make mistakes. Live and learn!

          • SoCalAtty

            Heck, DC Law, I did that last month! Partner asked for a memo on something in “landlord tenant law” and I did residential, she meant commercial. Oops! It happens. But I can relate to the OP. I’m pretty social and almost always let slip too much about my personal life – things like when my husband and I bought our first house, that I have and show a horse, my non-profit work – whatever. I’ve learned the hard way not to give anyone any ammo to use against you, because they will whether intentional or not. Luckily I’m now at a tiny law firm (me + 2 partners) and I came into the firm very up front about my activities outside of work, so there is nothing anyone can blackmail me with!

        • Nan

          I’ve been feeling like I’ve been oversharing at work lately too… I’ve decided part of the problem is not spending enough time with my friends who I don’t work with. My unsolicited advice is go make plans with old friends (or figure out some things to do to make new friends if you moved for this dream job) and have some un-tense, un-filtered fun!

          • Professionalism Faux Pas

            I honestly think this is the best advice. I need to stop thinking of my coworkers as “replacement friends” because I’ve been too busy to hang out with my actual ones. Blurring that line seems to be how I got to a place where I became overly familiar with coworkers. I do feel sorta strained at work though; that feeling when you can’t take a full breath kind of constrained so I’m hoping some bonding time with friends and family will help.

          • M-C

            Yes, that actually sounds like the most likely explanation..
            PFP, don’t fret too much. It sounds like people like you, which is why they told you, so you have good will on your side.
            I think also part of the problem is terminology. We call them “friends”, or perhaps “work friends”, but we should of it in terms of “good colleagues”. It’s not the same relationship as a personal friend, it just cannot be, really and totally, no matter how close we may be. It’s not bad, just different, and it’s not unnatural to get confused at first. It’s just being young :-), and perhaps Facebook blurring lines too efficiently as well? You don’t have to feel constrained, it’ll come naturally to you after just a bit of practice.

      • Totes McGotes

        LOL no, you notified their hubbies how lucky they were to still be married! That’s how I’d have taken it were I one of the wives. Also, she couldn’t have been too sensitive about it if she’s going around asking people about Tiger Woods!

        • Monday

          Agreed. I think if the topic of marital infidelity is brought up, it’s hard to hit exactly the right note. At any rate, much better to err on the side of “sanctity of marriage” than “eh, who doesn’t order a little side dish now and then?”

          I don’t think you’re responsible for making philandering partners feel good about themselves. Wives who decided to forgive them hopefully have done so knowing that they had options and that others have their own decisions to make on the matter as well.

          • CA Atty

            Yeah, plus I was there with my pretty darn brand new boyfriend. I’m not about to go all “side dish-y” (p.s. love the “order a little…”) in front of him!

            But also, definitely yes that she was the one who brought up tiger woods and she also asked something like, maybe she stayed for the kids and I totally bowed to that one. I don’t have kids yet I have no idea how I would react if I were talking about taking my philandering husband’s kids away. I would like to think it’s the same way but I can’t know until I’m (hopefully never!) there.

            So it probably wasn’t that bad, it was just that on the drive home one of my co-workers was all “so, how’s your foot taste??” And they teased me for not even realizing until then that it was kind of a hot issue at that table. :-P

    • Monday

      I had to get a signature from a SUPER higher-up in my office when I was just out of college. I was incredibly nervous and focused in taking the least amount of his time possible, so I just came in and started walking toward his desk, explaining why the signature was needed. He introduced himself to me, and then I realized how rude I must have seemed. I thought I was being extra deferent by getting to the point and not bothering him with something as trivial as my name–but these are the kinds of judgments we get wrong when we’re 22 years old and panicking.

    • eek

      Ugh, yes. Mega foot in mouth moment in front of a general who I didn’t realize was standing in the room I was in. Thought he left, and I made a joke about a football team he was apparently a fan of, as it turned out. Joke wasn’t off-color or insensitive or anything of that nature, but I was still mortified. I recovered well and he had a good sense of humor. They’re people too and we all make mistakes or say/do things we wish we could take back. It’s when you don’t change or follow well-intended feedback – that defines you. Just don’t be the girl wearing the blue bikini to the company pool party!!!

  19. Petunia

    Hi Gang –

    Any other chronic lifelong nail biters out there? I’ve always bitten my nails and really really want to stop but I’ve only ever managed like six weeks. Any tips out there for how to stop? Do those bitter polishes actually work?

    • Anon for this...

      The only thing that works for me is painting my nails (I didn’t know how, so I relied heavily on manicures at first) AND keeping a cuticle nipper with me at at all times. (Over the years, I bit more at my cuticles than nails–for you, a file and nail clippers might be better.) Anyway, whenever I get a hangnail–i.e., when I would be tempted to bite–I nip it off.

    • Coalea

      The bitter polish never worked for me. I would just power through so I could get the satisfaction of biting. I deal with my bad habit by getting gel nails (not just gel polish, but actual gel nails). I’ve gotten acrylics and silk wraps in the past; I like gel the best. I realize it’s basically a band-aid solution, since I would go back to my old ways if I ever got the gels removed, but it’s the best solution I’ve come up with.

    • Jacqueline

      I have finally quit after biting for most of my life, and the only thing that works is keeping them polished and pretty at all times. If I even see the hint of a chip in the polish, I add another coat or redo my nails. Once chipping or peeling starts, for some reason I feel like my nails are no longer off-limits. They have to look PERFECT. So I invested in some new nail polish and tools so I can give myself an at-home manicure at any time, and it really made a difference. I really like Sally Hansen Hard as Nails as a top coat or just alone — it makes a huge difference in the strength of my nails. Cuticle sticks and that aerosol spray that quick-dries my nails were also fun investments that made my manis feel more professional. And I also recommend keeping lotion nearby — keeping your hands moist helps cut down on the dry cuticles, which I always seemed to want to pick or bite.

      The first week or two when I quit biting I just used clear or pale pink polish, since the nails were bitten down so far that there wasn’t much of a nail left to paint, but then I started having fun experimenting with polish, and now I look forward to giving myself a manicure each week. Good luck! You can do it.

    • KK

      It helps to carry a nail file with me at all times, so if I feel even a slight jagged edge, I can file it smooth before I give in to the urge to bite it.

    • Couldn't Wait to Quit

      I used to bite mine up to the elbow. Over the years I was able to stop by using a cuticle cream EVERY TIME I felt like biting, keeping a file handy to file off any rough edges that I might be tempted to bite, and keeping a cuticle nipper handy to get rid of any hangnails that I might be tempted to bite.

      All that stopped the biting, but my nails were still really thin and weak and didn’t grow well. I started using nailtiques a few years ago, and noticed an instant improvement. My nails have now totally recovered and look great.

    • KLG

      I know I’m late to the party on this but have you considered hypnotherapy? Believe me, I know it sounds crazy and I never would have done it except that my dad successfully used it to stop smoking when I was a kid. I did it shortly before going to college and it made a huge difference like no bribe, nail polish, tape, or yucky tasting stuff ever did.

    • Marie Curie

      I still bite my nails. I’ve tried lots of things, none of them worked permanently. The bitter nail polish didn’t deter me at all, I just continued biting. It did however make all the food I touched with my hands taste awful. My mother always used to say I would stop when I fell in love as no man likes nails bitten to the quick. Much as I hate to admit, she was (partly) right, I did stop for some time when I crushed on someone in college and wanted to impress him. Then all sorts life stuff happened and I started biting again.

    • mathy

      To keep from biting my nails, I wear false ones. I used to get acryics put on at a nail salon, but that gets expensive. I now wear $5 glue-ons from walgreens (the ones that look like a french manicure) and get complements on them all the time. They last about a week before the glue wears off.

      Meanwhile, my real nails are growing out underneath. When they get long enough, I give myself a nice manicure so I have no rough edges, and attempt to go without the false nails for a while. Usually that lasts a few weeks before I’ve started biting again, then it’s back to the falsies.

  20. leave before you leave

    I’m having a hard time with scheduling work travel because I’m actually job hunting, and I have a very promising interview for the dream job coming up. However, since it’s summer, my organization wants me to travel quite a bit to ramp up some projects and dig deeper into the business. Two of these trips are specifically to help me learn, I won’t really add that much value while I’m on the trips. I feel like it’s wrong of me to book these trips before I know the outcome of the interview, because I don’t want them to pay for me to go if I’m not planning to stay past the summer. It just feels like I’m taking advantage by traveling when I know I’m trying to exit the company. This feels a little NGDGTCO or like Sheryl Sandberg’s TED talk about leaving before you leave, or feeling like you shouldn’t do something because you’re looking at another opportunity. Should I post-pone the travel?

    • CKB

      Book the travel. Travel can be cancelled. Even though your upcoming opportunity is promising, it is in no wise a sure thing, and if you are still employed you’ll want to go on these trips. Just because you are planning to leave the company doesn’t mean it’s going to happen as quickly as you’re hoping it will. It sounds like they will be good experiences that will add to your knowledge & skill set.

      Don’t leave before you leave.

      • eek

        This. Look out for yourself, not your company. Signed, someone that wishes she would’ve done this at many opportunities throughout her career.

  21. Noelle

    I’m looking for a TTC-related blog/website/online community recommendations.

    My husband and I have been TTC for about 8 months now, and I’d like to find a nice, supportive, intelligent, online community to discuss such issues. I know these topics sometimes come up on comment threads here, but I’m really looking for a more dedicated blog/site/online community. The ones I’ve come across so far don’t really fit the bill (e.g., there’s too much fear-mongering or less-than-thoughtful comments). I’m basically looking for the TTC version of Corporette.

    If anyone has recommendations, please pass them on. Thank you!

    • also ttc

      Noelle,

      I really would like to have something like this too, and I can’t find anything like it after 6+ months of looking. Would you be interested in starting a group on Sparkpeople? I’m thinking I’ll just have to create a group and ask people to join if I’m ever going to have thoughtful discourse on this issue.

      • Anon

        If case it’s not to late, I just wanted to say that I would join such a group if it were created!

    • anon

      Perhaps if you specified what TTC is you’d have a better chance of finding help??

      • Anonymous

        Aww, this is cute.

        I remember a time in my life when I didn’t know what TTC meant. I still got carded for alcohol, too. I hope I wasn’t such a mean girl at that age.

  22. mamabear

    Hello everyone! I have missed you.

    Question – hope it’s not too late in the day.

    I have a colleague who keeps busting me about my very casual emails.

    (example today: Bob- what was the name of that guy from Thursday?)

    And he wrote back,
    Dear Ms. Mamabear,
    Why have we dispensed with salutations?
    Sincerely,
    Mr. Bobslastname

    (And still does not tell me the name of that guy from Thursday)

    Naturally, Bob is an attorney.

    So, can any of you help me with some extremely formal ways to ask him the name of the guy from Thursday?

    I want to really do it up.

    • AnonInfinity

      Dear Mr. Bobslastname:

      If you will recall, we met a gentleman last Thursday, June 14, 2012. At your earliest convenience, please send to me the gentleman’s name.

      Best regards,
      Ms. Mamabearslastname

      • AnonInfinity

        If you really wanted to mess with him, you could type that in a formal business letter, scan it, and email it to him saying something like:

        Dear Mr. Lastname:

        Please find enclosed correspondence from Ms. Mamabear to Mr. Lastname. Thank you for your kind attention to this matter.

        Best regards,
        Ms. Mamabear

        • mamabear

          I am totally doing this, using the first as an attachment to the second. You’re brilliant!!!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Definitely start with “Dear Mr. Robert Lastname” and sign off “Sincerely yours, Ms. Mamabear Lastname”

      And please tell us what you actually end up writing!

    • DC Jenny

      Vis a vis the person, with whom we communicated regarding X business on or about Thursday, June 14, 2012, can you identify, at your earliest convenience and to the best of your knowledge, his legal name and/or any known aliases?

      • mamabear

        Oh, I am so sad I just sent it and did not ask about aliases!!!!

        Perhaps I can use that as a follow up.

        • TCFKAG

          Well, for future reference, remember aliases and to threaten a Motion to Compel. Also, threaten sanctions. :-P

    • TCFKAG

      Instead of Sincerely I’d end with Warm Regards. Its what all the lawyers around here use and for some reason it seems even more strangely formal.

      And if you’re going to go through all the trouble of printing out the correspondence on letter head, you might as well go all the way:

      Dear Mr. Bobslastname:

      Pursuant to my request in the e-mail dated xxxxxx, please provide me with the last name of the gentlemen we met on Thursday, June 14th, 2012 at your earliest possible convenience. If you fail to do so before XYZ date, I will be forced to file a Motion to Compel pursuant to Rule 37 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

      Warm Regards,
      MamaBear.

      • mamabear

        I am not an attorney so I cannot threaten him with filing a motion. I did, however, include in my signature line the boilerplate about being authorized to provide statements of actuarial opinion by virtue of my being a member in good standing of my actuarial organization.

        • TCFKAG

          Meh, since you’re not an attorney — its not like you can actually get in trouble for practicing without a license! :-P The bigger issue is since there’s no court case, the motion to compel would be pretty rando. haha. But you know…whatever.

          • mamabear

            OK. I threatened to file that exact motion.

            Is it OK that I used the salutation “res ipsa loquitur, baby”?

        • CA Atty

          What?? Am I the only one who totally thought mamabear was an attorney??

          (P.S. just please do not threaten to 12(b)(6) his ass. I had to literally carry one of my lawschool classmates away when she was threatening a guy with this when he was cussing her out for stealing his parking space.)

          For the non-attorneys a 12(b)(6) motion is the nerdy law students way of saying “suck it.” It means the other side has failed to state a claim upon which relief can be granted. AKA eff off. In 4 years I have not used it and do not foresee that changing any time soon, and I understand it’s not a common motion, but for some reason it is every Civ Pro law student fan’s favorite rule to drunkenly yell in the middle of the bar. …just my school?? Ok then!

          • TCFKAG

            This is extremely belated, but you’ve NEVER used a 12(b)(6)? Must be your area of law…they’re almost routine in the area where I’m currently practicing and we did them relatively frequently at my old firm.

          • D. Ct. Clerk

            Umm…that might have just been your school. And did you take Civ Pro before or after Iqbal? There has been a definite uptick in 12(b)(6) filings since then.

          • AnonInfinity

            Umm…that might have just been your school. And did you take Civ Pro before or after Iqbal? There has been a definite uptick in 12(b)(6) filings since then.

          • CA Atty

            How funny! The regional differences I suppose. I was in school before Iqbal, and in California I believe we would call it a demurrer rather than a 12(b)(6). (Obviously, since I’ve never done one I’m going off hazy memories from bar study and wikipedia…) And I have only truly practiced as an employment attorney. I did the prosecuting from the anecdote above (below?) as an intern during law school.

            I swear I remember my professor (super smart but also super old) saying we would probably never see these motions! Though I suppose it’s possible that in the intervening 4 years I’ve switched it in my mind since I never did see one, and he actually said we _would_ see them but I changed it? Brains are funny that way.

    • Pest

      I lack decorum and grace, so I would have responded:

      Dear Bobslastname:

      Please tell me the name of the man we met last Thursday, and please extract the large stick from your ***.

  23. DC Jenny

    Vis a vis the person, with whom we communicated regarding X business on or about Thursday, June 14, 2012, can you identify, to the best of your knowledge, his legal name and/or any known aliases?

  24. lawstudent678

    Reposting at HereThere’s suggestion — posted this yesterday but it didn’t make it up until this morning (I think). Anyway:

    Just wondering if I can get some thoughts on suit color. I’m in a business casual setting now (1L summer), but trying to only buy pieces that will work in a more formal setting as well. I bought a light-taupe colored skirt suit today at a great price and was wondering if this would be acceptable in a formal setting? It’s similar to the “Morning Fog” color at J.Crew (if you look at the Wool Crepe suiting).

    • TCFKAG

      I think that at anything but the most formal firm, a taupe or beige colored suit is going to be fine in the spring or summer outside of court (for days in the office). There really aren’t too many law offices where you have to wear grey, navy, or black only.

    • SAB

      Sounds cute. I likely wouldn’t wear it to court, but it would be fine for the office or meetings. Then again, I work in an office where seersucker suits make regular appearances during the warm months.

    • D Train South

      Late response: I’m not sure where you live, but I would be very comfortable wearing that color to court or any other formal setting in the summer in the South. In fact, in some small towns, it is almost required that you wear light colors if you want to blend in with the locals.

  25. Anon attorney

    Late question but need some quick advice. I have onsite interviews and plant tours tomorrow with an administrative investigator. The tour will be out on my client’s plant floor. Accordingly, I have been told to wear long pants, long sleeves and a “substantial” leather shoe (full shoe, not heel). Normally I would wear a suit or suit related separates, but feel a suit with my white leather lace up casual shoes would be a bit forced (not to mention that my pant suits are all hemmed for 3 inch heels). Do you think it would be appropriate to wear a dark pair of nice jeans with a jacket, top, etc?

    Thank you!

    • Anon

      There was some lengthy discussion of what to wear on plant tours on this site some time ago (several weeks?) – a google search of this site should find it, or so I hear. I don’t actually know how to do such a search myself, I’m afraid…nor do I remember the specific advice that was given. Good luck!

      • eek

        Stuck in moderation: google the following within the quotations “site: corporette looking professional in the factory”

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Could you wear black Dansko clogs? They are higher than sneakers and look more formal.

    • Bluejay

      Kat had a post on this recently – maybe 6 weeks ago? I think the overall conclusion was something like khakis with clogs and a longsleeved shirt. Nothing remotely s-xy unless you want to be hooted at by men who are not used to seeing women in the factory.

      • Anon

        Probably late, but be careful on the clogs. The plants at my company that don’t require steel toes still require completely closed shoes. No closed toe slingbacks or clogs because of the exposed heel.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      How about ankle boots under your suit pants? If they’re wide enough at the leg, it shouldn’t look TOO odd.

    • Coach Laura

      My comment is awaiting moderation because I said the site name. Do a google search like this “site name: C@rp@re!!e [dot] com factory” and it will be the first thing that comes up.

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