Coffee Break: Webbing Detail Belt

157 Comments

1. Has anyone been to Iceland in November? Any thoughts on special winter activities? Is it going to be horrifically cold?

   Also, any thoughts on Hotel Borg or Kvosin Hotel Reykjavik? I was also looking at Exeter Hotel, but some of the reviews say there is no storage space, and I’m staying for a full week, so I’d want to unpack my suitcase if possible.

   1. Horrifically cold is subjective to where you’re coming from.

      1. Good point! I am from the southern US, so my idea of horrifically cold is probably not that cold to others.

   2. Iceland doesn’t actually get that cold – or hot, for that matter – because of ocean currents. It’ll be chilly, but not -10F or anything. Are you planning to stay in Reykjavik the whole time? Highly recommend getting out of the city as much as possible, as the best part of Iceland is the scenery (at least, for the daylight there is in November).

      I’ve stayed at Kvosin recently, and definitely recommend, especially for a longer stay because of the kitchenettes. Rooms are pretty generously sized (and all named after famous Icelanders!), and it’s super central to everything. We picked it off of recommendations from the Icelandic folks at the heli-ski lodge we were at, so it was a tip from some locals. :)

      1. Oh wonderful! I was leaning toward that one, but it’s hard to know from reviews online.

         I am going to a festival in Reykjavik for several days of the trip and will have 2.5 days before to do whatever I want, so I’m definitely open to venturing outside the city (I will not be renting a car, but I know there are many services and tours).

      2. We stayed there for a night and loved it, but also were just smitten with Iceland.

      3. I agree b/c Dad went to Iceland with my Mom in December to warm up b/c it was colder in Europe, and he got a cheap flight that stopped there. Dad said the sun was only up a few hours a day, so you really can’t see that much between 10:00 am and 3:00 pm, and then it gets dark. I am not sure what the COVID situation is in Iceland, but they may not want us there to spread germs.

   3. https://www.tripsavvy.com/average-weather-in-iceland-by-season-4157755

   4. We went at Thanksgiving time several years ago. It was cold, but completely fine. We used Reykjavik as home base and did day trips out of the city, and actually stayed at the Kvosin Hotel. No complaints!

      The one issue to consider in November is that it gets dark fairly early and driving can be challenging in the dark.

   5. In November you might be able to see northern lights. I haven’t seen them in Iceland (I’ve only been in the summer) but have seen them in other places and it’s incredible.

   6. Hi! I’m heading there in a week or so, actually. From what everyone says, the temps don’t get much lower than freezing BUT the wind makes it MUCH colder. Make sure you get waterproof/windproof clothing. Waterproof because they have rain that goes sideways due to the wind. When I’m back, I’ll pot some info from what we did!

   7. Have stayed at Hotel Borg. It was fun in an Art Deco-y way. It was pricy too. We stayed there for our splurge night. Even in fancy digs, the water there still smells like rotten eggs though.

      I went to Iceland in August. In November, I’d be more worried about short days than cold. Iceland is very windy always, but if you’re bundled with double layers and good footwear, it’s not so big that you’re not ducking inside relatively often. Think warm and windproof!

   8. Commenting late, but if you see this — we stayed in Reykjavik for a week a few years ago, and we didn’t venture outside of the city or rent a car. We took a great small tour to nearby spots, but other than that found plenty to do in town. It’s a fascinating place.

2. Hotel recommendation on the beach near Parkland/Coral Springs? We are visiting family, but are making a little holiday of it. Single mom and 10YO child, if that matters.

   1. No recs but I grew up in the same area! Small world :)

3. Hotel recommendation on the beach near Parkland/Coral Springs? We are visiting family, but are making a little holiday of it. Single mom and 10YO child, if that matters.

4. Thank you to whoever suggested Caroline Girvan’s free workouts a month ago or so. I’m on my fourth cycle of the epic beginner and still getting sore, but hoping to move to the big kid program soon.

   1. Ah I started Caroline Girvan about a month ago after reading about it here too! Honestly I only did the beginner workouts once and then moved to Epic 1 and the beginner workout is basically the same difficulty as the full program IMO.

      I’ve never been a YouTube workout person but I’m obsessed with Caroline and this program.

5. Does anyone have recommendations for Charleston hotels that are walkable to other things in the downtown area that have suites? Visiting with spouse and teen kids and need some sort of 2-BR suite or adjoining-but-connecting rooms and I am recalling from a prior hunt that there didn’t seem to be an Embassy-Suites-setup that was easy to find (lots of small independent hotels).

   1. Charleston Place has adjoining rooms and I think some suites, but it is $$$ (lovely and great location, though).

   2. There used to be a Doubletree right near the market that would fit the bill, it has since been converted to a hotel called the Emeline but a google search seems to indicate they still have suites. We used to stay there all the time before it switched over but haven’t been recently. Not sure of price, but worth checking out.

6. Ladies, help me please: I saw a woman in a gorgeous zipper coat with two menswear-type fabrics. (I think that the zipper was kind of asymmetrical.) One fabric was on the outside (maybe that was as glen plaid) and a houndstooth (or similar) was on the inside and showed at the big, fold out collar. The label is Karl Lagerfeld and the wearer said that she said she bought it from Bloomingdales a little while ago. Any ideas? I can’t seem to find it anywhere but would love to buy one. Thanks!

   1. Did it have leather sleeves? Try googling Karl Lagerfeld Plaid Wool Drape Collar Faux Leather Sleeve Coat

      1. Not OP but it’s just amazing that you found this. Wow!

      2. uuuuuugh this is so my aesthetic but I cannot justify the cost.

      3. OP here: similar to this! But it had a zipper. It did not have leather sleeves.

      4. If anyone likes the look, I found a similar coat (wrap style): Search for Karl Lagerfeld Paris Wool Blend Plaid Double-Face Wrap Coat Black. There’s an XL on e8ay and an XS on P0shmark.

      5. Also, thank you! Good searching. I appreciate the help. It gave me some additional terms to use in my search, even if it didn’t find the exact item.

   2. Not the one you’re looking for, but a little bit similar:

      https://www.karl.com/us/coat_cod59141972df.html

7. Various places in the US unmasked at different times (my nephews were unmasked inside at xmas; that didn’t happen where I live until this week).

   Is there anywhere (CDC) that has mined the data pre-mask-drop (say 2 weeks) going forward where you can pull it up to see what has actually happened?

   1. I’m not sure about US studies, but since I have Scandinavian family, I’m not super psyched about the Danish experiment’s results. They dropped it nationwide as of February 1 and you can see the cases here https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/region/denmark That said cases have fallen since that February twin peak situation they seemed to create by removing masks.

      I think for any data to be helpful it’s going to have to look similar to where you live. Denmark is pretty urban and highly vaccinated, which maybe means it’s data is more instructive for highly vaccinated cities than an American suburb.

      1. yes, vaccination rate matters too. i would also think that reported numbers are lower as more people test at home

         1. The second point is so valid, especially as tests become so easily available. Of all my friends who’ve gotten covid in January and February I can’t think of any that went to a testing center except for parents of babies/toddlers who had symptoms.

         2. OTOH we have done a ton of home tests (all negative) and never called that it as it wasn’t clear our county was able to handle / assemble this data. If you factor all of the “negative; retest in 36 hours” people out there with two negative tests, they probably dwarf the + ones done at home.

            1. same, we test every time we have the sniffles and all negative, but we’re not calling anyone to inform them.

         3. I honestly wonder:
            – How many people are testing at home vs. going to a testing center (I personally don’t know anyone who’s gone to a testing center in months)
            – How many people are getting positive home tests and not reporting them to their local Department of Health
            – How many people are getting positive home tests and going about their business as per usual, without quarantining or masking.
            My long experience working with people has been that people don’t do things they’re not required to do, so if it’s not required, I doubt people are doing it. Meaning, especially in areas of the country where they dropped mask mandates a long time ago, infected, unmasked people have been circulating among us pretty regularly. I’m not sure how useful published case counts even are any more.

            1. I saw people waiting in horribly bad car lines for testing in December and you couldn’t buy a home test then. Someone was testing. Now, I think those sites are shutting down due to low demand.

         4. Yes, and in those places, they have locals that are immune b/c of contact with others who’ve had it. I recommend you check with the CDC before going to any of the blubbered countries up north b/c they did not mask during the last 2 years.

      2. I think the only data that would be helpful would be to compare the same city to itself. Behavior in, for example, Atlanta, has been quite different from behavior in, say, LA, throughout the pandemic. So mask dropping means something very different in each place. That said, I don’t think we saw, comparatively, the kinds of dire consequences in ATL for lower Covid compliance that people in places like LA were expecting (hoping?) to see.

   2. I wish they would study this and tie it to waste treatment. That seems like the only legit way to track disease levels at this point since testing has the weaknesses discussed. Hospitalization isn’t the right measure either–that’s a lagging one and isn’t what you really want to know if you’re trying to look at things like infection to long Covid ratio or infection to blood clot change. Or, in this case, infection to change in mask policy.

8. What are our thoughts on B-list invitations to wedding-related events (not the wedding itself)? I could understand if we still had Covid-related capacity restrictions, but that’s not the case anymore. I’m not all that excited about spending $1k+ on a flight, hotel, etc. and taking time off work when I feel like I’m only being invited so the bride has “enough” people for… pictures? to feel popular? Idk. It also wasn’t done particularly tactfully because she invited half our friend group months ago, so everyone has known who was invited and who wasn’t. If I’d been invited at the same time as everyone else I would’ve been happy to go, so it feels a little petty to not go because I’m on the b-list. But I also don’t really want to reorganize my life and spend a lot of money at the last minute to be a prop. Thoughts?

   1. The couple couldn’t afford to host everyone they’d like to invite, they made a really hard decision on where to draw the line, and now that they’re getting RSVPs, they realize they…
      (1) have room to expand the list,
      (2) likely already committed to particular volume for the caterer, and
      (3) therefore, why not reach out to the broader group?

      Ideally this is all done within a short period of time so it’s not so obvious who got the Round 2 invites, but it is super, super common and you shouldn’t think you’re just a “prop.” If that’s how you feel about the bride, then by all means decline, but you’re taking this really… extreme.

      1. wait, what do you mean “wedding related event” as opposed to the wedding itself? The reception? A shower? A destination b-r-tte party?

         If the b-r-tte party, that is kind of weird to expand the circle last minute – but some of the same analysis applies. Someone had to back out, they already have the house or hotel, etc etc, the more the merrier. Again, though, feel free to decline.

         1. Yeah it’s a destination b-party NOT the wedding. I totally understand wedding b-lists, the couple has a budget, when you’re paying for a lot of people you do the best you can. It’s really weird and I’ve never heard of this kind of thing for a destination trip where the bride isn’t paying for anything, though.

            1. Probably Covid head count limits.

            2. Just say no. There’s no reason you can’t invite as many people as you want to a party.

            3. I hate “b-lists” even for weddings, but for a bach party where the bride isn’t paying for anyone other than possibly herself it’s beyond the pale. If she’d wanted you there, you would have been in the first round of invites. Don’t go.

            4. What part of the US still has “Covid head count limits” that would affect a bach party? Some places might restrict you to 200 guests in a reception hall or something like that (is that still a thing in blue states? I live in a red state where we’ve had no restrictions at all since July 2020) but there’s no way a bach party is anywhere near that big. I don’t buy that reasoning at all.

            5. Within the last few months Napa wineries had headcount limits. Ymmv, but in blue states it’s a thing. Agree with the comment above, don’t get too hurt about wedding guest lists. If you like the bride and the people going, choose the relationship strengthening option (ie., go)

      2. I hate the “the couple couldn’t afford it” excuse. Wedding budgets aren’t created in a vacuum. Fancier places cost more and there are ways to host huge crowds of people on a budget that most people reading here would consider very modest. I grew up in the rural Midwest and attended a lot of weddings of lower middle class people in church banquet halls with the local BBQ place or grocery store catering. You can probably have 200 people at a wedding like that for the price of 20 in an upscale Manhattan restaurant. When someone says “it’s not in our budget to invite X number of people” that’s not really accurate. Maybe you can’t afford to have X number of people at your preferred venue, and you’d rather have the venue of your choice rather than a larger guest list. Don’t get me wrong, if what you want is a fancy wedding with fewer guests, that’s absolutely your prerogative. It’s your day, you should do what makes you happy. But you don’t then get to pretend that someone forced you not to invite people. It was a choice you made.

   2. Don’t go! I don’t love the b list idea either, and $1000+ is a lot for a weekend you clearly aren’t excited about.

   3. don’t do it!!! If you don’t want to go, don’t. If you’re not excited about it, don’t. Life gets so clean and easy once you just cut out the BS. You can’t control other people and whether they do things like “B-list wedding invites,” but you can control when you let yourself off the hook + allow yourself to only be in spaces where you feel honored and valued.

   4. You don’t like the bride so definitely don’t go.

      1. Yeah, re-reading the OP I get that vibe pretty hard.

   5. So you were invited to the ceremony/reception but not the ‘extra’ events? How do you know it was not Covid capacity related? Like restaurants in my area have only recently been allowed to go to 100% capacity indoors.

   6. My thoughts are that it’s harder than he!! to make wedding guest lists and if you can muster up some grace it would be… gracious. For all you know, you were the very last person cut from the A-list and the bride was thrilled when her aunt RSVP’d “no” and a spot opened up for you.

      Bottom line, if you want to go and can sincerely wish them well, then go. If not, then don’t.

      1. And oops I misread the “not the wedding itself” part, but that doesn’t really change my answer.

      2. This. My MIL had 4 non-local siblings who all had kids. We invited all our aunts and uncles and first cousins but because she had more siblings and nieces/nephews than my parents or my FIL and they would have all had to travel, we literally had no idea until RSVPs came in if her side of the family was going to be 30 guests or like 5 in our 125 person wedding.

   7. Don’t go. You shouldn’t take it hard that you were B-listed (i.e., you can still be friends/socialize without being best friends) and the bride should acknowledge that you’ve B-listed her, too, and understand that you don’t want to prioritize this event (bachelorette party?) with your time and money. Personally, I think the culture around young people spending massive sums indulging each other’s wedding fantasies is seriously misguided and, as an older person, I can say that I barely speak to anyone whose wedding I attended now and I am not an outlier in that respect.

      1. Fellow old. The memories I have from others wedding and my own have lasted me a long time, especially now that everyone is married off and I haven’t been to one in years. Once folks started having kids, it got really hard to spend time together as a group. I haven’t talked to some folks in years, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t treasure some of the memories we made.

         I don’t think you should go if you don’t want to. 100 percent do what makes you happy.

         But I also wouldn’t be dismissive outright to all of these things. If recent times have taught me anything, it’s that things can change on a dime. The wedding that was a drag when I was 32 is now the friend who been the greatest ear for me as I’m battling cancer at 48. Now that travel is out for me (heck, health aside, just the level of work I do), I’m really grateful for those drunken nights dancing.

         I also wouldn’t take B list as normal times B list. A lot of groups have been very low count as things have started getting back up to speed. Every person is another Covid risk (or financial risk with Covid restrictions) that might have held them back when plans were taking shape during Omicron.

         Again, I am a firm believer in skipping. Life is too short to spend trying to make someone else happy. But I also would try to keep short and long-term meaning of “happy” in mind. It’s like raising kids when they say the days are long but the years are short. That’s how friendships can sometimes feel as well.

         1. This is excellent advice.

         2. Another old, and this is just spot on. I long for the days of grousing about petty wedding gripes and after two years of Covid, I’d pay someone to let me crash a bachelorette party.

   8. B-list for a wedding? I totally understand. B-list for a destination b party? No way, no how. Those things are insane! I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea that ladies in their 20s have that much money to throw during in the “everybody and their sister is getting married” years. I can’t imagine feeling obligated to spend money for showers, dresses, b parties, and a wedding gift – holy cow! My b party was an evening at a local drag club and plenty fun. #getoffmylawn

   9. There are very few people I’d spend that $$ on for a non-wedding event, and I would not be on any of those people’s B-lists. For myself, I think I’d feel resentful using vacation time and significant money for this, and I would not be bringing my best self to an event that is supposed to celebrate someone else. For that reason, I would decline.

   10. I think b-list is tacky as he** for any events, so that would be a no for me.

       1. Agree

       2. Hard same. I find it extremely rude for a wedding (where the host is actually paying and may be capacity limited) and absolutely beyond the pale for a party where the host is not paying a per capita cost.

   11. Decline to attend and you’re not being petty. It’s one thing to be invited to a local event (say within 90 min drive or so) but flying and paying for a hotel is an absolute no-go if I’m on the b-list and already going to the wedding. And even if I wasn’t invited to the wedding I wouldn’t go, I’d just say I have a schedule conflict. I mean, you weren’t important enough to be on the first round, so if she expects you to attend now that you are invited, yeah no. She’s not that important either.

       (To which, I think there are deeper questions about how much each of you value your friendship, and vice versa, and lots of people have these questions as of late wrt friendships in general, so it’s totally normal.)

   12. I wouldn’t go, especially since you feel like you were invited to fill out the pictures. And it would be completely unreasonable for the bride to have hard feelings about you not attending since you were clearly second not in the priority group. Although it wouldn’t be the first instance of a bride being unreasonable.

9. I joined a firm five years ago, aiming to inherit a partner’s book of teapot business. The partner told me when I joined that although he chose to focus on teapots, the practice also has some clients who need kettle work. The partner who did kettle work left 10 years ago and this partner has just been trying to keep up, which mostly meant issue spotting high-level(basic) kettle problems but the clients didn’t get serviced how they probably should have. Partner said “try teapot and kettle, if you don’t like kettle, you don’t have to do it.”

   Fast forward to now. I have retained clients and grown both teapot and kettle client work, but the book is still small enough that it is only me, the about-to-retire partner, and about half of an associates time. Issue: I hate kettle work. Kettle work stresses me out. It is now almost 30% of what I do. Clients who need kettle work usually need both teapot and kettle work. I have a great out of state referral to an attorney who specializes in kettle work, but the reality is, if I use him – I’d expect the clients who need kettle and teapot work will go to him.

   No one else at the firm wants kettle work. Has anyone else taken a 30% hit to reduce stress? Is there a way to balance this referral relationship where I can ask/expect to keep the teapot work, that I like?

   If it helps: Kettles and teapots are similar but not the same. It is possible to do both, but many pick one area and know a little about the other area (trying to give examples – think complex trusts vs. wills, labor vs. employment, restructuring vs. bankruptcy).

   1. Use your referral network. Develop a relationship with someone you can refer kettle work to, preferably someone who will refer teapot work to you.

10. I have a conference that got rescheduled to July (generally: bad time; kids’ summer break, camp schedules, vacations) and in Vegas (is it going to be OMG furnace level hot then?). I am guessing — would anyone go to this? Especially any people I’d want to network with (not a lot of people who are either too young or too old to be free from kid-related scheduled and family summer vacations)? I’ve got it on my calendar but sort of worry it will be a waste to go (and family will NOT want to tag along if it will be too hot to do anything).

    1. Vegas is an indoor-centric town anyways, so I wouldn’t worry about the temp. And I’m seeing good participation at conferences in my industry – lots of pent-up demand.

       1. Conferences are a great way to see a lot of clients / contacts at once. OTOH, they actually have to show up and in July I’m not sure. But beats trying to wait until September and try one by one.

    2. It will be VERY hot. I’m not really a Vegas person, so when I end up there for some reason I normally suggest things like the Hoover Dam or trips to the desert, and you won’t want to do that in July. But if your family will be happy hanging out at the pool, seeing the casino sights, going to a show or two and other indoor stuff, I think they could still have fun inside. Even as a non-Vegas person, it’s definitely a place worth visiting once or twice.

    3. Yes, July is not an inherently bad time. Not everybody’s a parent. Not all parents have those concerns. Weird that you think that’s going to apply to everybody. Conferences happen inside.

       1. I would counter with: pre-COVID, we didn’t even attempt client visits until after Labor Day. Too many people traveling or taking spontaneous long weekends. Even if they aren’t parents, people just aren’t around in the summer like they are from Labor Day to Memorial Day. For parents with school-aged children, definitely, but it is much broader than just that crowd. Weddings, etc. make people travel more then.

          1. I feel like conferences are a bit different than client visits though? You want people to be in the office for client visits. Conferences involve travel, so less weird to schedule them during the season when everyone is traveling.

       2. The majority of adults are parents, though not always of school aged kids. Conferences generally want to maximize attendance, so it’s unusual to schedule them at a time when many parents could not attend because of their kids’ schedules.

          To OP the summertime coherences I’ve attended tend to be at or near big kid attractions like Disney, presumably because they know attendees can boondoggle it into a family vacation. I attend one such conference most Julys for exactly that reason.

    4. “(is it going to be OMG furnace level hot then?)”

       Hahahahaha OMG yes. I was there in late June last year and it was 110-115 degrees during the day and never got below 92 at night. Everywhere inside in Vegas has aggressive air conditioning but being outside for even short lengths of time is really uncomfortable. Do not, whatever you do, rent a black rental car. My friend made this mistake and we literally could have fried eggs on the seats of the car. We had to open the doors and let it cool down – remember, the air outside the car was 110-115 degrees – before we could sit in it. Even with a sunshade up when the car was parked.

       Vegas was bumping last year when I was there, and I have friends who live there and say it is back to pre-pandemic levels of busy. I imagine there will be people at the conference, even if it is being held in Hell’s Living Room.

    5. No idea on the attendance but I attended a convention in Vegas in July. Yes, it’s hot as hell during the day, but during the day we were inside. Walked everywhere at night and it was fine.

       1. This. You don’t go outside during the day. In fact, the casino hotels are deliberately laid out so as to keep you indoors. Ever noticed how difficult it is to find the exit?

          Besides, it’s a dry heat. I’d take 115 in Vegas over 95 in the SEUS any day.

    6. I’ve been to Vegas in July twice (one because I was a poor student and got cheap tickets then, and another time for a conference). It will be super hot (likely 110+) during the day, but it’s a dry heat so it’s not as bad as you might think if you’re coming from a more humid part of the country. To me, the things you do in Vegas are go to the pool and do stuff inside all the big casino-hotels. It’s not really a ‘walk around outside’ place. So I don’t think going in July will actually be that bad.

       1. And as to general conference timing, I’m in academia so it’s a bit different since we’re all on an academic calendar, but most conferences are internationally scheduled for the summer, especially June and July since academic calendars vary a bit on start and end times. I’m a parent but it strikes me as very weird to not schedule anything between May and September because kids are out of school. Most kids who have working parents are in daycamps or sleepaway camps for most of the summer anyway.

11. Seeking a Karl Lagerfeld coat that is glen plaid and houndstooth (one pattern inside, one outside). Zips up asymmetrically. I think it was from a couple seasons ago. Any leads?

12. I work FT in BigLaw. I don’t really fit in b/c I have kids, so I’ve stepped it back a lot b/c of that while managing to hang on so far. I have kids, but I work FT, so I don’t ever get to meet people and really bond with people going through parenthood (which I would love — one kid has some unique struggles and I feel like parents might be more open to her if they knew me and knew that she isn’t strange or weird but has some legit issues that make her different but she is also great and funny and very smart). I just feel so alone. Like I had an errand to run just now after going to the dentist and saw a bunch of moms I recognize hanging out while their kids were at dance lessons and just felt very alone, like I’m not a part of either world I live in and just miss contact with other humans. I’ve never been invited to a book club or bunco or lunchtime ladies fundraising lunches or much of anything, acutely so since COVID.

    Is it bad that I’m looking forward to retirement in a Golden Girls sort of setup b/c someone might talk to me (my kids do, but you know what I mean).

    1. When do you have free time? Evenings? Weekends? Are your kids old enough where they play sports? I made some mom friends while our kids did dance together on Saturdays, and later when kids played on the same sports teams. If you have their dad or a sitter take them to all the activities because you are working, and you go right from the office to home to sleep, it is going to be really hard!

       Do you exercise? Or do another hobby? Could you do it at a place where you could meet people? How about a local social/country club?

       I think figuring out when you could have social time and working backward could help.

    2. Leave BigLaw!

    3. this isn’t a mom-specific issue, it’s a Biglaw issue. Find another job if you want more free time!

       1. I’ve thought about this here and there and I think that unless I worked from 10-2, it just wouldn’t let me pass among the SAHM crowd. Like you need to linger when you walk your kids to school and then show up and linger when you pick them up or stroll about during swim practice. If you are rushing off to a thing (b/c you are rushing from work) or trying to check e-mails during dance, it’s just never going to happen. It’s like walking into a bar and going to a corner and furiously reading a book. Making mom friends is just hard unless you seem to 95% sync up with people (it seems to me). I work mainly with guys, so they totally do not get it. Some have kids in diapers and are now marveling that they know someone who knows about various summer camps and swim leagues and stroller friendly bathrooms throughout our city. Life is funny (but is often not terribly fun).

          In my ‘hood, once we had a dog, the dog people accepted me immediately (with one very judgy exception, who lets me know what I’m doing wrong, bless her even though the lady doesn’t seem to get the whole leash law concept).

          1. It’s a working mom issue. Where I live, unless you are a SAHM who joined MOPS when your kid was little, you have no mom friends.

          2. I mean, you’re not a SAHM so you don’t have that schedule. Why not make friends with working moms? I literally have no SAHM because…I have a job. I have plenty of friends and don’t feel alone. Since we all work, we don’t see each other everyday like the loitering SAHM’s and it’s fine.

             I think the problem is that you want to be a SAHM, which is fine. Do some serious thinking about whether that is a possibility for your family.

       2. Eh it was a mom issue for me and I’m not an attorney so not in big law. I had some parent friends but I was just never going to be in the 3pm SAHM pick-up crowd.

    4. I found my people (working parents) once I got to know my kids’ daycare friends. Those are the families that were dealing with the same things I was and had similar schedules. My kids are now 23 and 20 and those daycare parents are some of my best friends. There are other working parents out there even if they are not in your BigLaw office. You just need to know where to find them.

    5. If socializing in general is important to you, biglaw is not what you are looking for long term. There are plenty of people who stay in biglaw even when they have kids, but I found that those people either just have a lot of drive/genuinely love the work and want to spend a LOT of their time doing it, or they love the money and are willing to trade off the social life aspect for it. Those of us who value more time outside of work leave biglaw. I am a government lawyer and have plenty of mom friends who I regularly see!

    6. Is there a way for you to meet people in either world that you live in? I am in BigLaw (PT for many years, now FT), and I have a circle of friends from when we were associates that are all moms (now mostly at different firms). It is incumbent on me (or one of us) to make the effort, but it’s so worth it. I am also friends with some of my kids’ parents, especially the ones who also both work FT. And I’ve met a number of people by volunteering for the PTO treasury (which I can do during my “free time”). Not friends so much, but people to connect with.

       1. OP here — I think part of the problem is that I had kids late, like 10 years later than many people in my class, so those people had left BigLaw, left working, or moved away by the time I had kids, so that never worked out. And in day care, I never picked up when anyone else seemed to be there or there were 500 people there and it was just not the time to chit-chat.

          Maybe I smell bad? Have no people skills? I am so lonely after 2 years of the pandemic (so hard to do any of the former kid activities or former adult activities, but I’m eager to hit the rest button for all of us).

          1. If you’ve survived in BigLaw this long, you don’t smell bad and you likely have people skills. If you are not back in the office yet, GO BACK. Set up lunches, catch up with people, take your clients out. See what happens. There is lots of human interaction that you can call business development. On the life side, realize we are all going through our own struggles. As one of the few people who chose not to have kids, I often feel left out as everyone has the kid thing to bond over. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

          2. Also, maybe post what city you’re in here? I’m always down to meet new folks as a lawyer and mom (although I left Big Law a couple years ago).

          3. Hey, so I am you. I had my kids ten years later than everyone else, and so far (they are 2 and an infant) I have not made mom friends. I was in biglaw when I had my first, and am now in-house counsel. If your area skews heavily SAHM, it’s about working vs. non-working, not biglaw vs. anything else. Leaving biglaw didn’t magically mean I was free for class playdates at 10 AM on Wednesdays (every single mom in my son’s nursery school class is a SAHM except one).

             Honestly, I’ve been thinking pretty hard about how much I actually need mom friends, and whether those mom friends have be parenting similarly aged children at the same time that I was. Moms whose kids are 10 have actually been so kind and helpful to me.

          4. I promise you that there are other working moms who feel exactly like you do. You just don’t see them because they’re working and your random time after the dentist appt isn’t the same as theirs. Those SAHMs who seem to know everyone make lots of us feel insecure. Don’t measure yourself against them. Figure out which kids your kid likes to play with and set up a play date. You might need to be a bit more forward than you’re comfortable with. I just took 3 rounds of scheduling to get a new-mom-kid friend duo playdate set up because every family has their own scheduling problems. In my situation, it is clear that their kid needs the playdate more than mine does even though my kid always has a great time when they’re together, but if I didn’t know that, I’m sure I would have been tempted to give up because I would feel like they must not even want to hang out with us, I’m being too pushy, etc. But they do want to hang out! And we’re becoming better friends.

             1. This is so true. I was the working mom while my kid went to private elementary school – in the case of that school community I was the only working mom and definitely felt left out of the SAHM circles. When I did get included here and there I found that we really didn’t have much in common and didn’t feel like I fit in. You need to find working mom friends but that’s not easy I know. What I did – focus on my kid and participated when I could at school – one of my roles was leading the class games at the holiday parties….that was a big hit. Meanwhile the SAHMs were busy competing with each for volunteer role, to run things etc. What I know now that I’m 53 and my kid is 25? – he just thanked me for career/job and life coaching that his friends who had SAHMs don’t get the benefit of – I know that I had the best of both worlds and was/am a better mom for having a career….you are fine.

    7. Have you invited anyone to book club or lunch or whatever? If you haven’t asked people I wouldn’t expect them to ask you.

       1. I do! Pre-COVID, all the time. And weather-permitting, to do outdoor things mainly since COVID, so even a risk-averse person should be covered. It’s just exhausting. I would love for someone to invite me to anything and if I could go, I’d go to something I wasn’t crazy about just to have some more human contact. I’d like to think that I look like I could be book-club material (or whatever). I have some schedule flexibility, so *could* do the cool body sculpting class at 7am or whatever. It’s like wanting someone to want to date you vs always being the one initiating.

    8. Also in Biglaw and I feel like weekend playground time is the best time to “pickup” working parent friends. Then it’s just a matter of texting here and there throughout the week about random stuff and setting up playdates or mini-outings from time to time

       THis assumes you’re in an urban area. I feel like if you’re in Biglaw then you’re in somewhat of a metro area and this should apply but i guess if you’re commuting from a suburb, there are probably more SAHM.

       Do you have mentors who have kids? One of mine keeps telling me that working moms is a great way to network since having a kid. this is something i’ve been meaning to look into but haven’t because Covid.

13. Sell me on your area of the country!

    I work in tech, full time remote with occasional trips to Dallas in my future. I currently live in Buffalo, NY, and I love the city, my friends are here, I have season tickets to our NFL team, but I’m not wed to settling down here. I’m 34 and very single.

    1. Upstate NY is a great place to live! It is relatively inexpensive, you can afford things like season tickets to football, you have a friend group there– why leave?

    2. I would stay in Buffalo and buy a charming old house to fix up.

       1. +1

    3. Half of Buffalo seems to live in Charlotte. If you went to St. Bonaventure, your people are here! It is lovely, MCOL, access to the mountains and beaches, good tech community.

    4. I live in exotic Des Moines! I love it. A 2bed, 2bath, 1000 square foot apartment is $1k/month. House sales have been high prices but compared to major markets – peanuts. We have four seasons. We have a team for basically every AAA-level sport. We have super active groups and people are generally kind. We have Ragbrai and thousands of miles of bike/walking/running trails. Great food, including fairs and (every weekend in summer) local festivals. Low to medium cost of living. Surprising amount of and support for public art. If you want to meet people or lead something, you can find people with a bit of effort.
       Neutral: you must like driving. Everyone has a car. You are a few hours from Kansas City, Minneapolis, Chicago. Direct flights in less than 2 hours to Denver and other true cities. I regularly travel across the country (pre-covid, the world) and can aggressively save for retirement on $100k salary per year because of cost of living.
       Cons: if you’re a democrat, the state politics is very conservative. There are pockets of active people all over the state who love and would welcome you as a volunteer.

       1. Hi, fellow Des Moines person!

          1. Hello from a third Des Moines person! Grew up there and left, but am angling to get back in the next few years!

       2. Aww hi there Iowans! I grew up in Ames and had such a great childhood. My husband’s job means that we didn’t have much say in where we moved but I would have loved to settle in Des Moines or a neighboring city like Kansas City or Omaha.

       3. I have art from Des Moines! I follow a studio there on Instagram.

          1. Ooh can you share a link? I’m a native Iowan and would love to purchase some art with a home state connection.

             1. Not sure if this is the one Curious is referring to, but Liz Lidgett is a well-known gallery out of Des Moines

    5. What is it you don’t like about Buffalo? Because I’m honestly not seeing why’d you leave…

       1. I think I would like Buffalo in the summer. I’m not sure I could make it through the winter. I like to be outside when not at work, so that limits where I’ve looked to live as an adult and where I looked at colleges.

          1. You can go outside in the cold.

             1. I know someone who used to laugh at Chicago winters b/c she was from Buffalo. I at best tolerated a day or to in Chicago in November, so pretty sure I’m just not cut from that cloth. I had never been to a place where people wore hats b/c in the NYC suburbs, my crowd is too vain to mess up our hair most of the winter.

    6. I wonder if maybe you should stick it out in Buffalo but start spending a month in different places. I have a few friends from college who have gone back home to Buffalo and Cleveland, and sometimes I think they’re way smarter than the folks eking it out in HCOL cities. If you love the city and your friends are there, I wouldn’t run away just for the sake of something new, I guess.

    7. What do you want in the new place other than a good dating scene? Homeownership? City? Suburb? Car or public transit? Access to mountains or beach? An arts community?
       If you are looking for heavy car traffic, poor public transit, no easy access to nature, an escalating COL with a tight housing market and depressed wages, a second-rate (but not third-rate) arts scene, and a mediocre and complicated dating scene with some great restaurants, frequent celebrity sightings (though that may mean your street is blocked), warm weather, major league sports, Black culture, urban hiking trails, and a great airport to fly out of with many direct flights to Dallas, you should come to ATL (my genuinely beloved city).

    8. I couldn’t handle the cold of Buffalo but having friends and community somewhere is so valuable (and so hard to recreate elsewhere) I’d stay put if I were you. ESPECIALLY if I was living the kind of life where I could afford NFL season tickets :)

       I’d buy a great historic house, enjoy having my community here, and then take a thaw out vacation to Florida/an island every winter.

    9. Maybe post again tomorrow with some more details about what you’re looking for in a place to live. Outdoor activities? Communities, neighborhoods, nightlife?

       Personally I think Cincinnati is a pretty good place to live. Beautiful hills and river, NFL team and MLB team, funky neighborhoods and a now-lively downtown with lots of character. Airport is a Delta hub.

       I live in Indianapolis and have liked it well enough – low cost of living and very easy to get around if you have a car. Our nightlife leaves something to be desired, but we have some really great restaurants. It’s very flat, which didn’t bug me so much until we went to Santa Fe and saw mountains.

       1. Indiana is a lot less flat than much of the Midwest! If you think Indiana is flat you’ve never been to Nebraska or Kansas :)

          1. Ha fair! I forget about southern Indiana, which is quite lovely.

    10. I agree that if you love Buffalo and have friends there and no compelling reason to move, I’d stay put.

        That said, if I were single and childless I’d spend summer and fall in Maine (my heart is in Acadia but I’d probably live in Portland to be in civilization) and winter and spring in Hawaii, or Napa if the time difference to HI would be too much.

14. Anyone have a suggestion for the best way to actually contact a person at the Social Security Administration? I have an issue that cannot be handled online per SSA’s guidelines. My calls are continuously dropped and appointments are required to visit an office (difficult to get if no one answers the phone). TIA

    1. My husband had to make a phone appointment with the local SSA office. It was the only way. He had to wait several days, maybe several weeks to get it, but once he got the guy on the phone, the guy was actually very helpful.

    2. Call your Congressman- they have local constituent offices that can help with this.

    3. Congressional office can help but I also had no problem calling my local office when I needed them to mail me a statement.

15. How do you get over a friend breakup? I had a falling out with my best friend from college about six months ago, in a situation that was, to my mind, extremely toxic. Long story short, her boyfriend tried to pressure her into setting up a threesome with her and me on a group trip we took. Apparently, they’d discussed this little plan “for months” prior to the trip and never stopped to consider how it would affect me or whether I’d be interested (spoiler: I 100% was not). On the trip itself, the boyfriend kept making weird, flirty passes at me (while also belittling and picking fights with my ex-best friend). On Day 3 of the trip, she and the boyfriend have a two hour fight and I can’t find them. It turns out, she had told him she didn’t want to go through with it and he’d thrown a temper tantrum and called her “boring.” They tried to hide this all from me but it wound up coming out, and the remainder of the trip was extremely awkward and tense.

    The aftermath of this was that she refused to apologize or hear me out when I tried to communicate that I felt uncomfortable by this situation. She also wanted me to confirm that I didn’t dislike her boyfriend and felt offended by the possibility that I did. She was also angry at me for telling the story to my boyfriend, who got upset at them as well.

    I feel like cutting her out is the right thing to do, but I also still miss her and feel sad about it. I keep resisting the urge to text or call her, and there is part of me that worries that I overreacted or created the situation. I wondered if anyone else had experience with things that felt like betrayal from friends, or moving on from friendships when you know it’s the right thing to do (but still feels so sad!).

    1. Honestly, she’s probably super embarrassed by the whole situation and doubled down on wanting you to say you liked her boyfriend because she knew in the back of her mind that this scenario would likely forever change how you see him.

       I don’t think you overreacted in the least, I would be immensely uncomfortable being stuck on a trip with a couple fighting over this whole poorly thought-out idea (and um, sorry, but she HAD to know that this would likely be friendship-ending. Even people who would be into a threesome probably wouldn’t be remotely interested in one with their friend they’d never shown interest in!).

       Is she still with the boyfriend? I imagine your friendship would be more likely to recover when/if they ended things. Are you comfortable rekindling your friendship if the boyfriend is still in the picture and you might cross paths with him?

       1. Thank you for the reframe that she might be embarrassed. It’s been hard making sense of her reactions (and I’ve doubted myself a lot as a result), but shame is a great explanation. She is still with the boyfriend, unfortunately. I feel repulsed and skeeved out to be in the same room with him, and it’s even hard to hear about her life with him without wanting to roll my eyes. I really do hope she ends things just for her own benefit.

    2. First off you need to record a podcast about this situation, for real

       In all seriousness you are a better person than I am, because I would have freaked the F out and probably said some really, really uncharitable things to my friend, about her and definitely about her boyfriend. I would have put both of them on blast to everyone within earshot. This was a straight-up weird, gross, nasty, awful, inappropriate, and toxic situation that your friend had a responsibility to stop in its tracks well before the trip ever happened. It is 100% on her that she went forward with “planning” the threesome (side note: I would love to know how you plan to have a threesome when the third party is completely unaware they will be invited to participate) without talking to you about what was going on. I understand you miss your friend. But I am super-into the idea of “when people show you who they are, believe them” and I think your friend showed you, clearly, who she is: she is someone who will prioritize her boyfriend’s inappropriate fantasies over protecting the dignity of her friends, and protecting you from gross, awkward situations you’ll have to deal with the aftermath of even though none of this was your idea.

       There’s also a practicality aspect to this – if she is still with the boyfriend, are you going to listen to her talk about him? Are you going to socialize with him and her together in the future? How much weirdness and awkwardness do you want to inject in your life, going forward?

       You didn’t do anything wrong here and have nothing to apologize for. If you want to reach out to her and will feel like you always have unfinished business with her if you don’t, I understand that, but you deserve a better friend and I think moving forward from the relationship is the healthier choice than trying to put this back together. You can always try to initiate a conversation and see how it goes. If there’s any hint, in that conversation, that somehow you were in the wrong in this situation and owe anyone an apology, please respect yourself enough to cut off the conversation, cut off contact, and let this “friend” go.

       1. thank you so much for this answer! this board in general has always so helpful for me in learning to set boundaries, and your response is really validating and comforting in the idea that it’s okay to trust yourself. it was SO gross and I honestly just like couldn’t wrap my head around why she was trying to bend over backwards to accommodate his creepy fantasy when she clearly didn’t want to do it AND it caused her to kind of embarrass herself. So hard though since I always thought we’d be best friends forever and now it’s like this weird/icky story hanging over us.

          1. You’re totally in the right. There’s an added layer of gross manipulation here that this happened on vacation – like did they plan to isolate you and make this happen? The boyfriend is a terrible person, and your ex-friend is awful for initially enabling him and then defending his unacceptable behavior. Friend breakups suck, but you are better off without her in your life.

          2. You’re welcome and I forgot to say earlier, I am really really sorry this happened to you. I am sure it was difficult to wrap your head around this when this person is a long-time, very close friend. The sense of betrayal must have been staggering. Hugs.

       2. 100% agree with all of this advice. Losing a long term friendship is hard, but you really do not want to be friends with who she is right now.

       3. And OP is in a commited relationship it seems, so super unrespectful of her life circumstamces and choices on that front as well.

    3. She doesn’t respect her relationship or yours. It’s no big loss. Just mourn the person you thought she was, and move on.

       1. You’re not wrong, but also obviously that’s way easier said than done and I think that’s what OP is asking about.

    4. Wow. I have (almost) no words.

       1. Yeah this is one of the crazier stories I’ve read here!

    5. She sounds awful. You’d be totally in the right to cut her off and mourn who she used to be (or who you thought she was).

    6. Whoa. That’s a tough one. I don’t think you overreacted at all. I doubt you’d ever be comfortable hanging out with her boyfriend ever again. It doesn’t sound like she’s breaking up with him (and side note: why isn’t she!? There are so many other people they could have had a threesome with, that doesn’t involve peer pressure, cheating, and continued awkwardness). They sound like they tried to sabotage your current relationship by encouraging you to cheat on your current partner. You were probably right to give yourself some great big space from the situation and the people.

       I think it’s pretty similar to a “regular” breakup unfortunately. Especially if you were close enough to travel with this person, and see them regularly. Might be time for some sad music, sad movies, and ice cream. Sorry this happened.

    7. I was thinking about a former friend recently because I learned she had suffered some major losses. We were very close, socialized lots, traveled together. I learned that she was gossiping that I was a kept woman, which was pure speculation. (I rented a house from the guy with whom she claimed I was involved.) I never confronted her on it, just faded away. Have I missed some of the fun we had? Yes. Do I want this kind of toxicity in my life or believe a true friend would do what she did? No. Fin.

       1. Your story and OP’s are some real housewives level sh1t. Friends, do better!!

    8. I don’t know how I could salvage this friendship unless it turned out that the boyfriend was abusive or controlling to the point where she wasn’t herself with him, and she also had left him and seemed like herself again. I feel like I would have to scapegoat a lot of this on the boyfriend and also ideally have one last significant fight about this before I could start to get over it.

       I can’t tell if she was just entertaining his fantasy with no real intention of following through, and then they got in a fight the first time she admitted to herself that it wasn’t just a fantasy? I can’t tell if she’s living in denial land to remain with someone she doesn’t feel safe around. This is really hurtful, but part of me feels like, well, did they get in a huge fight since she was (finally) drawing a line? Is she being so bizarre about it because she’s not ready to leave a relationship that doesn’t feel safe?

       But maybe I’m just thinking this because of stuff I’ve gone through with people and their garbage bfs.

    9. Your friend knowingly put you in a position where you were likely to be sexually assaulted. She invited you on a “fun” “trip” on false pretenses. She knew you would be in close quarters with a man who wanted to sleep with you and she didn’t tell you that. She knew you would let your guard down around him because you would not expect him to want that. I’m guessing there was alcohol involved in this trip? A guy who has an angry hours-long temper tantrum when he is denied access to your body is exactly the kind of guy who rapes drunk women. Or slightly tipsy women. Or doses them. Or a million things that men do to coerce unwilling women to have sex with them. Do you really think your friend would’ve protected you after she planned for months to do this to you? I’m so sorry this happened and I’m so glad nothing worse happened. Cut this woman out of your life, she is dangerous. You should warn all your mutual female friends about the two of them.

       1. I think this is a bit much. OP’s friend’s boyfriend is clearly attracted to her and wants to have sex with her which makes for a very awkward friendship dynamic, but that doesn’t mean he’s a rapist. Lots of men walk around not sexually assaulting women they’re attracted to.

          1. We should stop telling women they’re being “a bit much” for having legitimate safety concerns. Planning for months to lure an unsuspecting woman into a sexual encounter that she has never expressed interest in is about 2 steps away from trafficking. It is basically not possible to overreact to the situation OP describes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

             1. I never said OP is overreacting. I would totally have stepped back from the friendship too. But it’s not coercion or sex trafficking just because someone you don’t want to have a threesome with flirts with you and tries to convince you to have one. I agree it is weird and gross that they were apparently plotting this for months without cluing her in, but that sounds like it’s more on OP’s friend who presumably had much more direct lines of communication with OP than her boyfriend did. Nothing suggests OP was in physical danger during this trip, and it minimizes real sexual violence against women to accuse every man who makes unwanted romantic overtures as a rapist or sex trafficker.

    10. I agree with what everyone said above but just want to add this thought. I’ve worked with DV victims for years and I’ve often seen abusers put victims into this kind of situation. I could be misreading but it sounds like he manipulated her into something she didn’t want. If I were you, I would definitely draw my own boundaries (you come first!), but at the same time keep an eye out for other red flags and leave the door open for her to reconnect if she needs help (and you can help safely). If you see other red flags, I would even consider talking to her about this — I am worried about you, are you safe? Are you ok? — but only in person because he could be monitoring her communications.
        None of this diminishes the fact that what she (and he) did was a total breach of trust and should be treated as such.

16. Is this normal behavior for her? Is this behavior new with this particular boyfriend? It’s quite the story and makes me wonder if this is ‘normal’ for her.
    If it’s normal and this time around you’ve finally had enough than let her and all that level of crazy or drama go. If it’s new I’d be concerns there’s other things going on BUT at this point you’re not the one to find out. Put distance between yourself and her, feel your feelings and focus on you. She’ll either move on and possibly show back up, or stay with him and most likely want to keep her distance from you as now you know just how kind of person her boyfriend and possibly her are.

17. How do you handle a colleague who is constantly creating low-level but unnecessary drama, so much so that you start doubting yourself?

    Newish colleague (about 6 months in) is in a parallel role to mine on a small team. I have years of seniority and a very solid reputation. She is a hard worker but seems incapable of operating without being at an emotional extreme of one kind or another. She either acts like we are BFFs and will be together until we retire, or gives me the cold shoulder all day until she tells me on her way out the door that something objectively innocuous offended her. Latest instance was a clean, corny dad joke between me and a different coworker. We both laughed, it was not anything remotely denigrating, crude, or offensive. My other colleague was nearby and told me she wants me to know she finds that sort of talk disturbing.

    This has happened enough times now that I feel like she is trying to reverse gaslight me or something. Like, I’m not really doing anything offensive at all but she’s trying to convince me otherwise. When she tells me I offend her I respond with chagrin over my inept behavior and apologize. But lately I realize I’m not doing anything that merits an apology. It feels disingenuous to constantly apologize in an attempt to keep the peace, but I’m tired of being a pawn in whatever game this is she is playing. Is there a civilized way to address this?

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