Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Sheath Dress

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1. Elizabeth, I LOVE this colorblock dress in Black/Ecru, and will ask the manageing partner if I can buy this one. This is a great pick. The Calvin Klein dresses for plus sizes are more colorful, but the design is a bit to busy for my taste.

   Dad just heard something scarey on the NBC news that the HIVE needs to know of. There is some mosquito encepalitis going around that is very dangerous. People are getting bit from Michigan to Massachusetts, so it is all over and there is no known cure. Dad warned me to put on mosquito spray even in NYC, so I am sharing the news. FOOEY b/c a few years ago there was the Zika Virus, but that was NOT in NY, but this one is all over the place. He also said NOT to go out to parks at night when mosquitos are busy biting, so I will NOT go anywhere near Central Park or Carl Schruz park, near the river b/c Mosquito’s tend to breed by the water.
   So if any of you go out at dusk, or later, also wear long sleeves in addition to mosquito sprays. DOUBEL FOOEY!

2. Totally a first world problem, but anyone else build a house and 1) get overwhelmed by the amount of choices, and 2) disappointed in the price differentials between builder grade (which is in the price) and half-way decent light fixtures (which we have to pay extra for)? I know we can go with a lot of builder grade choices now, and upgrade over time. But I just want to be DONE once we move in. And it just seems so wasteful to put something in knowing we are going to replace it! I’m not trying to buy crazy $1k chandeliers. I’m taking the difference between your very basic flush mount, and a slightly upgraded drum light! And we have had this problem with some other items, but I can totally justify upgrades in the kitchen. It’s all the little things that are just killing me!

   1. Yeah, I have done a ton of DIY home improvement projects and after everything I’ve done, I like to say that the only realistic parts of HGTV shows is when the budget gets completely out of control and when unexpected problems crop up and someone cries. It’s death by scope creep and a thousand paper cuts.

   2. Check out West Elm for lighting – that’s my go-to source for lovely but not insanely priced lighting.

      1. This is a great chandelier – I have it in my dining room
         https://www.westelm.com/products/sphere-stem-chandelier-w2726/

         This one is also lovely, and the pendants in the same style work well in a kitchen, esp if you want to mix metal finishes
         https://www.westelm.com/products/sculptural-glass-5-light-globe-chandelier-metallic-37-w3557/?pkey=csculptural-glass-collection&isx=0.0.2528

      2. Ooooh. I see that WE is related to W-S Home and Pottery Barn. In that universe, what is the waterfall from top to bottom of quality/price? Is it like the Banana-Gap-OldNavy situation where there may be an ON version of an item that will do vs the more spendy one that is perfect?

         OTOH, for something like my house I’d rather buy once and have it last forever and not have it fall apart slowly over time.

         1. I’ve also had good luck with Wayfair for reasonably priced light fixtures. I don’t think light fixtures are something that are likely to fall apart since they stay in one place.

         2. I’m not sure there’s a cascade in quality so much as a design style difference – WE trends mid-century modern, Pottery Barn traditional, etc.
            I got turned onto WE lighting by all the design bloggers and have replaced almost all of our fixtures with theirs and have been quite impressed with the quality.

            1. +1 to West Elm light fixtures. I used a lot of them when I did my house a few years ago.

   3. We went through this a few years ago, and it was such a pain. We spent less than 10k on upgrades (primarily cabinets, flooring, and shower tile), but we have spent significantly more (wood floors to replace the horrible “upgraded” carpet and laminate), a backsplash, paint, light fixtures, landscaping, etc. In hindsight, I wish we would have just sucked it up and done what we wanted then so we didn’t have to deal with it in bits and pieces.

   4. Yup. Light fixtures, curtains, and rugs are those items that seem to go from ‘cheap and hideous’ to ‘first born child’ in price really quickly. I’m sorry. I was pleasantly surprised at home depot for some options but you REALLY need to see them in person to asses quality.

      1. Totally agreed about Home Depot. I have replaced several light fixtures in my house and definitely had to go see them in person. At one point, I had picked out a fixture from Home Depot that was about $100 or so online. I went to the store and the only one they had was the one on display. They sold it to me for $20 and gave me the parts that would have been in the box with it. It’s a great fixture in my living room!

   5. We purchased a home mid construction and our only changes were cabinets, tile and stained concrete floors. Over the years we have replaced every single door knob, light fixture and light switch. Pick your upgrades that are difficult to replace (ie: tile) and learn to DIY the rest. Our first project was days after we moved in and realized my youngest did not have a ceiling fan. The sales rep at Home Depot was incredibly helpful, demonstrated an installation in store and sent us home with two youtube videos. If all failed, we could return the fixture and wait for the electrician to call us back. It became addictive and we replaced something every month.

   6. Thank you for this post! because I am almost right there with you, just a little behind. We’re just now finalizing pricing on everything for the home we’re building next year and feeling the ughhh to pricing. I’m super hesitant to rely on any allowances so I’m pricing a lot of stuff out myself directly and it’s just going to be more for decent stuff.

      Or even getting it done at all – when I went to talk to the flooring center they were really happy I came in at this stage because they see a lot of people at the end of the construction (basically at the point where they’re very over spending money and just want to be done) and the builder allowance doesn’t cover half of what they need to put flooring throughout the house. The builder basically just throws a round number in there, probably lower so they get the job, and then everyone gets hit later with upgrade charges. Not cool builders.

   7. We went with builder’s grade because I prefer to find something that I LOVE / MUST HAVE for purchases like lights where otherwise I don’t even notice them.

   8. Be sure to check Nextd00r or f@ceb00k marketplace. We are selling a lot of the light fixtures the previous owners installed in our house there!

   9. Yup, did it 2 years ago. I ended up doing most everything through the builder (while they felt pricey, they had what I wanted) and was SO glad to be done when I moved in. I think I would have felt so disappointed to move into a brand new home and immediately feel like I had a list of things I wanted to change – there was enough to do in terms of furnishing the house and landscaping, etc. In terms of making it less overwhelming, my realtor helped a lot, both in selection and prioritizing what to look at. I found that while there were a lot of things (lighting, flooring, countertops) I cared about a lot, there was plenty (door hardware, toilet style) that I just didn’t.

3. How do you split up the household chores and responsibilities if your SO has a much harder work schedule than you? No kids, one dog, we live in a house. My husband is in residency and working well over 40 hours a week, with 24 hour calls thrown in and is supposed to study throughout the year for his boards and I only work 40/week. We tried to have a calm discussion last night about the labor division but it wasn’t very productive.
   I will always do more than 50% because I have more time, but I am starting a program this fall to get a license for my job that will take 1.5-2 years and will have to start studying after work as well. He thinks he does a lot, but I don’t think he realizes how much I mentally handle, not just the physical labor. Is this a mindshift I need to make, or an easy outline we set on who does what? I’ve asked him to put away dry dishes as his job, and he will help me fold laundry if he’s around/do yard work – but I’ll never come home and have some things already done.

   1. So it sounds like his schedule is all over the place and he doesn’t always get full control over it. Can he take on tasks that are better suited to being done whenever he finds the time? Laundry, paying bills, certain types of yardwork, etc. aren’t going to derail you if they get done on Wednesday instead of Monday. Waiting 3 days for him to be home to put away the clean dishes is going to cause some resentment.
      If you want to go through the exercise of everyone lays out the chores that they do and mental load that they handle, proceed with caution and resist the urge to scorekeep. It will lead to a fight (I speak from experience). Instead, find ways that meet both of y’alls most important standards and let the rest slide. If you are both content to eat the same meals over and over again, don’t make a big issue out of creative meal planning. If making sure all clothes end up in the hamper is important and someone takes the dry cleaning, make bigger efforts towards that. Does it make sense to outsource something like getting a cleaning service? That has made a huge difference in our day to day happiness and we have been able to rework the budget to accommodate it.

   2. I don’t have any experience with sorting this out, so can’t weigh in there. But I just wanted to reflect that, from your post, it sounds like there are a whole lot of generalized things you’re unhappy with, but it’s not clear exactly what problem you’re wanting an actual solution for. If the conversation was like that — a lot of unhappiness but no real focus or ways to solve it, then you might want to do some thinking to locate the unhappiness more clearly.

      It sounds like you’re feeling unhappy / angry about the one thing that can’t/won’t change — he simply doesn’t have the same amount of time to devote to home stuff that you have, and I’m guessing that 24 hour shifts plus studying means he doesn’t have the same amount of mental energy that you have. And you’re tired of shouldering the load, but he can’t pick it up.

   3. We are in the exact same position career wise (him in residency, me with a 45-50 hour a week job at a smaller law firm). I had a sense this might be an issue for us in advance, so right when we moved in together after marriage, we sat down for an hour and made a list of everything we thought needed to be done to keep our household going, how often it needed to be done, and who made sense to handle it. We put it in a google doc. Yes, I do more than my fair share, but in a way that we both have similar amounts of free time, which was what was important to me. I handle almost all food (grocery shopping, meal prep, emptying the fridge of old food), laundry, and cleaning the bathrooms. I usually wipe down the table and countertops while he does the dishes. He handles all dishes (including putting them away usually), dusting, vacuuming, trash, oven cleaning, and freezer cleaning. If the stuff on his list doesn’t get done by him, it doesn’t get done, unless I need a specific dish. When it comes up that I have naturally taken over a task we didn’t discuss, like sweeping, I’ll ask him the last time he swept (to which the answer was never) and point out the the floor didn’t magically stay clean, it was clean because I swept it (the magic table vidoe on youtube works for this).

      I still generally have to handle more of the mental labor on things that come up sporadically, and we’ll have to revise who does what down the line once we have kids, but generally it works for us.

      1. +1 on using free time as a KPI. This is what we have done for 15+ years as our schedules and relative workloads have shifted gratly with job changes, emigration, kid… Baseline is: ou both get enough sleep (no scorekeeping, whatever each of you needs) and then, do you have roughly equal amounts of time free from work, commute and chores? If no, reassess…

         1. This makes sense to me as someone who works to live, but how do you handle it when you have a spouse who lives to work? My husband doesn’t believe in downtime and basically unwinds by working more. It doesn’t seem fair to say I should do all the chores because his hobby happens to be work. But it also doesn’t seem fair to label some of his work is optional, because all the work he does advances his career and our family’s financial stability.

            1. Yes – I should have mentioned that we have a cap on that. I’m willing to accept a certain amount of weekend work as required for the job for DH, but he still needs to get his agreed upon share of the workload done generally, and spend time with me. And we’ve also discussed that when we have kids, he won’t be able to work as many hours a day because he will have to spend time with our baby and take on a greater share of household tasks. So – I’m okay spending a large part of Sunday morning grocery shopping and meal prepping while he studies, but I wouldn’t be willing to take on all of the vacuuming and dusting after that just because he wants to spend another four hours studying. Does that make sense?

            2. I’m your spouse in my marriage. We use the money generated from my job to outsource more so DH isn’t taking on all chores

   4. I would say mindset but there’s a lot of room to disagree. I think one question that’s important is what fraction of his home time is housework. If it’s high, he’s probably just maxed out.

      I am the one with the heavy workload in my household and here is what helped us:

      (1) I was honest with myself and my spouse that I do not have the bandwidth right now for more housework.
      (2) Our options were to accept a higher level of mess, or for husband to clean more, or pay someone to clean.
      (3) Given that we did have the money, and that the laundry and dishes etc. load fell mostly on spouse, and that his mess sensor triggers before mine, he should get to pick among those three options. He didn’t want to spend the money, so we settled for a mix of messier and he cleans more.

   5. Sort of the reverse – I have the longer commute and longer hours. My husband does a lot of the weekday cooking; I do a lot of the weekend cooking and the dishes. I do a big grocery shop after church on Sunday (we have different parishes). He loathes wiping down counters and such; I actually enjoy it.

      It helps that we married well into our 30s, because we were both used to running our own households and just have the mental list going anyway.

   6. 1. Tell him you want him to “TAKE INITIATIVE around the house”. My husband could not grasp the concept of emotional labor, but he could grasp taking initiative to look around and see what needed to be done rather than waiting to be assigned tasks.

      2. Lower your standards temporarily during this time of additional stress and work.

      3. What is his schedule going to be like once he’s done with school? Because if it’s going to be on call days, long hours, etc. it might be a good idea to get used to hiring help now. Or seeing what you can do to cut corners like ordering groceries online, etc.

      1. “Take initiative” is like the most meaningless phrase to someone wired like my spouse.

         Something like “I’m not doing your laundry; you are in charge of that. I already do my laundry and laundry of the kids. I change sheets and towels. I just cannot do another thing.” is concrete and puts him on notice that it is his task. And I never speak of it again.

         If you have to buy someone a clue, it’s better just to take a Drop the Ball approach and carve out discrete tasks.

   7. My husband is in residency, but I have a similarly long-hours job (plus travel), so a little different than your situation. We own specific tasks. We sat down when we first moved in together with a list of everything we each thought had to get done – spoiler alert, mine was a much longer list – and basically divided. So for example, I do all cleaning but he does all groceries + cooking + his own dishes, though if he cooks for both of us, I’ll do the dishes. All the items that weren’t on both of our lists we decided just didn’t merit attention, examples from us were flipping the mattress and cleaning the baseboards. The biggest thing has been lowering my standards: if he doesn’t grocery shop, I don’t do it for him. This has been a tough adjustment but I think has been the biggest reason this works. I may volunteer occasionally to cook supper for both of us, but I don’t do it routinely and if he’s on track to not make something and I don’t feel like doing it, I’ll usually just have something like cereal or scrambled eggs for just myself. I waste zero mental space on tasks that are his, e.g., if he doesn’t send birthday cards to his parents, it is not my problem. Written out this sounds a lot more roommate-not-spouse than it actually is, we definitely operate as a unit and are very coordinated. So I guess the point is that there are residents who have horrible schedules who still manage to pull it together so don’t let your spouse cop out, but also just stop taking on some chores. If outsourcing is financially feasible, that seems to help a lot of similar couples we know, but not in the cards for us with a resident’s salary + medical loans.

      No kids, and frankly I’m worried about that being the disrupter to the balance, but for now I don’t feel like I’m getting unfairly loaded. We have also discussed that if I choose to take a more typical 40-50 hour job in the future that it will be a lifestyle choice that I am making for myself (though financial considerations for us as a family are a major decision input) and not a rationale for giving me more work. We both have to contribute equivalently to our home life and we are both free to make individual career adjustments to find our own personal balance that allows us to do that.

      1. Your comment about kids is a big one for me. I think part of my problem is worrying about the future (such a waste of time, I’m working on trying to stop), but especially with adding kids, I feel like I should be able to very easily handle this now, because if not, how in the world will we be able to add a baby!
         I think lowering my standards is a really good point. I also have to give you props for handling your spouse’s residency while also having a demanding job. I have it pretty easy, I just need to change my thinking.

         1. You definitely don’t have it easy – the demands of residency are so absurd for any significant other! In some ways one things that is nice about my own hectic career stage is that I know I’d struggle with feeling a bit neglected if I had much more downtime (for leisure or chores!) while my husband was handling his crazy hours. I admire the fact that that seems to not bother you.

            I’ve also found my people who have spouses in my husband’s program who also have careers of their own. We get drinks and vent about the annoyances – that’s been a great help too :-)

            1. Aw thanks for this response, it really made me smile. All of the spouses in his program that we’re friends with are also doctors, if you can believe it!

   8. Do you feel the way you do because you want to buck gender norms? I think there is a lot of pressure on women today to do things differently than our mothers did it. That works for many households where the woman is working the high powered job and crazy hours. However, there are other households where the old standard works better because of each person’s hours. In my house, my husband does way more than 50% of the housework but that’s because he works way less hours than I do. If he waited for me to get home to cook dinner or me to clean the house on the weekends we would never have any time to do anything fun and our marriage would be miserable. The flip side of that is if I am home and something needs to be done, I do it. If the dog pukes, I clean it, I don’t yell down to him that the dog puked and expect him to come up and clean it.

      Figure out why it bothers you that you are doing more than 50%. Is it because you feel like other women will judge you? Is it because you don’t want to do it? If the former, that’s a mindset issue. If the latter, it’s an outsource issue.

      Also, can you find little things that are a hassle for you to do but that don’t add much more to your husband’s plate? For example, I take the trash barrels to the curb weekly. My husband really appreciates that I do that and it only takes 2 minutes out of my week.

      Lastly, can you be more efficient in how you clean? Skip the rooms you don’t use often until you are going to have company over?

      1. So many good responses here I don’t know where to begin.
         I am actually really okay with traditional gender roles, and if anything, reading here has made me more “Wait a minute….” about all that I do, which is why I wanted to post. But while I am the breadwinner now, I won’t be in 2 years, and don’t expect my career to ever make more than him, which makes sense that I will be the more flexible one to handle the house & family.
         We have a cleaning service that comes once a month, but it feels indulgent to up that to every other week. We don’t have kids – I should be able to keep my house clean the few weeks in between, right??
         Reading the replies – I need to lower my expectations. I like cooking a lot, which makes it half hobby half chore, but I don’t have any frozen food for us to rely on if I just need a night off., which is on me and a good change to make.
         I struggle with when his schedule DOES calm down a little, he doesn’t pick up more housework (unless I specifically ask), but instead will catch up with his friends or golf with his grandma – something that I pointed out yesterday, and he said I do the same, so it’s unfair to say he can’t. Thanks for all of these responses, I plan on showing my husband so we can figure out a plan, but it’s been very helpful for me to fix my mentality.

         1. Gold with grandma is a better life choice than chores. If you’re cooking from scratch every night, stop. If you’re doing his laundry, don’t. Get the housekeeper twice a month. The way this gets better is changing things.

         2. I think it is awesome that his grandmother golfs — can you tell me more about her? This seems so not standard grandma.

            1. Really? All of my grandparents golfed up until the very end (like literally days before passing). I’m a bit older than OP now I’m guessing (I’ve got kids in grade school). This seems really par for the course (har har) to me.

            2. She’s awesome. 80, spends half her time in Florida. We went for a long weekend for her birthday this year, and went brewery hopping to celebrate. She is in 2 golf leagues and loves her G&T’s and now I feel bad that I thought he should prioritize chores over spending time with her.

            3. I thought golf was basically the standard grandparent thing?

            4. What? My daughter is literally at the golf course with grandma right now.

            5. Sorry for my shock — my grandparents were of a generation that never exercised or really played sports once they left grade school. They were also farmers, so more country than country club. I would like to be a rental slightly older grandchild of golfing granny for a weekend! Would she short-term adopt me?

            6. Golfing grandparents are probably only a thing if they were golfers before they were grandparents. So I wouldn’t tie it to be a grandparent, just to being a golfer.

               I’ve also got farmer grandparents and it would never have occurred to them to go golfing in retirement. Probably because a farmer never really retires?

            7. @Anonymous from 12:44 pm – she would probably love to! It’s on our to-do to start going to trivia with her because she says she always wins. I just inherited her old clubs and my mom is pushing me to take lessons so I can golf with grandma.

         3. One thing that’s important too, is to keep communicating to keep resentment low. Even if you have a big sit-down and an Agreement now, not only will life change from time to time, but your perception, too. Spouse and I have the ‘how are chores divided at the moment’ talk every few months, when we BOTH feel like the martyr of the household, and usually both came away with an increased mutual appreciation for the labor the other one does.

         4. Yeah, it sounds like there is a lot of resentment here unrelated to the chores issue. Also – how many house chores could yall possible have if you’re both working full-time in demanding jobs and also studying or doing meaningful life things in your free time? I get the basic laundry, mail, and dishes but for people who seem to spend no time at home, I’m surprised you have so many big overwhelming chores to do, especially with a cleaning lady.

            1. Yeah same. I do laundry, cook and do dishes, throw mail away, and pick up after myself. I do no other chores.

            2. We have a yard, so snow, leaves, weeding, and our dog is in training for anxiety issues and ideally we work with her half an hour a day.

            3. No– I totally get this as me and DH have the same issue. The only chores we really have to distribute between us are cooking (me), grocery shopping (order online), laundry (me), dishes (him), and yard (him). We work about the same. He currently makes more, but our salaries fluctuate, and I probably have more earning potential than him long-term. I try to do a little bit every day, so that I’m not spending my whole weekend doing chores. I meal prep on Sundays, etc. DH feels like he should be able to relax after work and only wants to do his chores once a week– normally Sunday. This means that sometimes, he only does dishes once a week but plays video games when he gets home, which drives me insane.

         5. Based on your comment above that all of the other spouses are also doctors, is it possible your resentment about housework and chores comes from being the only non-doctor in the group?

            1. I don’t think so…I could never do medicine and am in finance. I like the flexibility my job gives me, I have a good career path, and am okay with putting his first because he really has no say. For the most part I don’t mind handling our house, it keeps me busy when he’s studying, some tasks have really become hobbies like cooking.
               I guess I want to find the line between being too demanding vs not setting any expectations and being taken for granted.

         6. SPEND AS MUCH TIME GOLFING WITH GRANDMA AS YOU CAN

         7. Realize I’m late to comment but try to shift your mindset on viewing outsourcing as indulgent. There is a ton of evidence that buying yourself more time has an insanely high rate of return. We recently upped our housekeeping and my only regret is not doing it sooner. I wish I had shuffled my budget to afford it rather than waiting for a salary bump where it felt ok to hire a more frequent housekeeper.

   9. 1) Physical tasks that need to be done regularly (say once a week) but don’t have to be done at a certain time or day of the week, and that don’t take a very long time at once (ex. finished within 20 min.) so long as it is done that week: laundry is a big one, lawn care, cleaning the toilets and bathroom sinks, dusting.
      2) Tasks that don’t need to be done at home. I gave my hubs all the bill pay, ordering groceries (the $5 delivery fee plus tip is worth it to us), booking hotels and vacations, setting up calls and meetings with our tax and financial advisors and putting those on my calendar. Anything that can be done via phone or email, he takes the bulk because he can do this on little mental breaks throughout the day.
      3) Outsource whatever we can
      4) Lower expectations. Neither of us wants to cook or really has the time so we “assemble” or do super basic protein+carb+veggie meals – ex. grocery store rotisserie chicken plus bagged salad, 10 min. baked fish, microwave sweet potato, steamed broccoli, lots of grab and go fruit and protein bars, and we aren’t shy about lean cuisines either.

   10. We early on went with a house cleaner once a month, a laundry service that picks up and delivers and Target autoreorder.

   11. I am by no means perfect at these division of labor conversations, but the thing I think is most important–even more than the decisions you make–is to make these conversations something that can happen at any time. Like, it’s not a set it and forget it conversation where you’ve “solved” everything. It’s the day-to-day work of your lives and so naturally you’ll have to negotiate and renegotiate the terms. So, when you do talk to him, I just urge you both not to consider the conversation “done” or “final” but just started. You’re working out together what works for you now, not forever!

       1. This is a really good point, thank you!

   12. I had a crazy work schedule for a while (now I’m in-house) and so I used some of the money I earned to pay for household help – a cleaning service, grocery delivery service, laundry service – to help fill the void I left.

   13. I spoke with my Dad about your p’ost, and we now detect a subtle issue that must be addressed. Hello? Remember, Your husband is in residency, which we think means he soon will be a DOCTOR, you have no kids (OK, a pet), and you have a job and are looking to get some kind of license (realtor, perhaps?) so you want him to do more work around the house. OK, fine, but I detect that you are worried that he is already doing long hours at the hospital, and likely is spending more and more time with nurses and other medical types that you think may compete for your man. I get it. It’s probably true. But even if this is the case, do NOT all of a sudden come across as a shrew telling him to dump the garbage or do more dishes when he does come home. This, in and of itself, could drive your husband into the arms (and legs) of one of many women just looking to snare him at the hospital. Remember, he is on track to be a doctor, and you are on track to be what, a real estate saleswoman in Weschester? No comparison, sorry. You need to take the opposite tacktic. You note he works hard, has an irregular schedule and you should want to have him look forward to coming home to YOU, not to a bunch of chores you want him to do so you can get a realtor’s license. If he is any kind of a doctor, you will be wanting to spend your time at the country club pool, not explaining why there’s a stain on a carpet of a home you’re trying to sell to some schlubs moving up to Weschester from Atlanta, or whatever. No, what you need to do is to coddle him when he gets home; play romantic music and candles, prepare a nice meal, and dress appropriately, even tho he may be virtually exhausted and not immediately in the mood to have $ex with you. You must cajole him and make him want you and all of the charm you can provide him; DONT be talking about chores; instead, pamper him so that he will think of YOU when he want’s $ex, not some nurses or PAs who know alot more about human anatomy then you do. Once you figure this out, you will have a much better chance to hold on to your man, as we all know that the competition out there for a well paying MD is fierce! Get it? I sure hope so, b/c we do not want to read that you are getting a divorce and now need that realtor’s license to sell a few homes to pay for a new late model but used Hyundai. FOOEY!

       1. I have never received an Ellen comment on a post before….I feel honored and like I’m finally initiated. And this made me laugh – although once you’re in residency you ARE a doctor, just not an attending – common error but I want to give residents their credit!

   14. Read Drop the Ball by tiffany dufu – Has great strategies

   15. My husband and I were married his residency, and this was before the 80 hour work week. So I sympathize with where you are. My advice is to outsource as much physical labor as possible. Cleaning service once/month seems too little. Make that at least every other week, and since you have a dog I think every week is reasonable and have the cleaning service do your laundry, including sheets and towels. Hire a yard service, unless one of you sees yard work as a hobby. Have groceries and household items delivered. (One thing we do is both of us add to the Amazon basket all week long, and then one of us pulls the trigger on the order once there’s a critical mass of items, say 6-7 things.)

       That leaves only daily work – meal prep, mail sorting, bill paying, general filing, taking out the trash, wiping down counters and it seems to me whoever is home first should just automatically do those things. If that’s always you, and it irks you, ask him to build a few things into his morning routine, e.g., taking out the trash every single morning even if only half full, or emptying the dishwasher every morning before he heads out.

       I found my husband was so drained from making decisions and processing information during residency, and still even now in practice, that asking him to come home and make more decisions was a path to nowhere. Much better to have them do things that require no thought, no decision making, that have to be done every day. Cleaning up after dinner, taking out trash, feeding or exercising a pet – yes. Making a meal plan, sorting mail, or making certain purchases – no.

       As for emotional labor – you do your family and have him do his family. After that, you do what makes you feel good (organizing a supper club, coordinating dinner out with friends) but don’t keep score on those things. If it doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it.

       Finally, make sure you’re not making up work. A well run household is super satisfying and re-energizing to come home to. But a second job is not, for either of you. Good enough really is good enough.

   16. I went through residency recently. The amount of learning (and just residency itself) was !amazing, and for 3 years (plus 4 years Med school), it was all consuming. But all consuming does not mean he can’t put away the dishes. That’s on him.

       Unless he’s ortho/neurosurg/CT surgery and doesn’t have time to eat real food and drinks protein shakes through the day. He does chores.

       Know that his work life balance will change immediately after graduating, as will his salary. His attitude towards chores will likely not. But at least then he can outsource.

       In terms of general bickering about chores, pick your battles. I ask myself, am I going to be upset about this in an hour, in a day, in a week? If it’s a week, then we need to talk. Otherwise I let it go.

4. Just wanted to say thank you for all the helpful laundry suggestions from yesterday! Didn’t even occur to me to try sunshine!

5. I’ve always had a sweet tooth and loved salty processed foods, but things have gotten a little out of hand lately between vacations and enjoying the summer. I want to do something to reset my baseline and hopefully curb some of the cravings, and, knowing my personality, a program with a list of acceptable foods and those to avoid would be ideal. I think whole30 is a little extreme for me (not least because I’m a vegetarian). Are there any other similar programs that I should check out?

   1. 21 Day Sugar Detox is shorter than Whole30 and has slightly different restrictions. Basically limit fruit because it’s a source of sugar but on some “levels” of the plan you can keep dairy, etc. Might be worth checking out.

   2. I don’t have suggestions on an actual program. However, when I need a reset, I meal plan/prepare such that I am eating foods that are as close to unprocessed as possible. Whole Greek yogurt with walnuts, pecans, and honey for breakfast. Spinach topped with a whole grain (usually quinoa or wheatberries) and chicken breast for lunch with a homemade dressing. I have a 3 year old, so dinner isn’t quite so perfect, but I focus on getting in fruits and vegetables and a smaller portion of the “main”. I also try to avoid early morning and after dinner eating during this time. So maybe eat between 10 and 7. Similar to intermittent fasting, I guess, but a little less hardcore.

   3. Bon Appetit and Buzzfeed both have meal resets every year around New Year’s that you can probably pull up online. You may not be able to invest enough time to cook everything in here, but they should be really good guidelines. Generally, it’s low dairy, low sugar, high in vegetables and lean protein.

      1. This year’s Bon appetit food plan was really really delicious but it was a huge time commitment. You can find it on Healthyish – BA’s Instagram site that (I think?) is aimed at the generation that learned to cook through cooking videos.

   4. “Resets” and “programs” are just new words for diets and dieting has negative physical and emotional impacts. Are you sure you want that just because you’re eating sugar?

      1. yes, because I’m crazing treats all the time and giving in to that too much. Dieting may not be great, but my current status of eating candy in the afternoon, a desert or two after dinner, and at least salty snacks a day isn’t either.

      2. Eating sugar makes you crave more sugar. This is the perfect situation for a “reset,” regardless of your condescending opinion.

         1. Sure, it’s the perfect situation if you want to restrict a food and then crave the “forbidden fruit” until you eventually binge. That’s what dieting is.

   5. The 22 Day Revolution vegan diet might work best for you since you are vegetarian. It gives balanced whole meals that are super easy to put together (who has time to make a 1 hr dinner every night during the week?). It doesn’t avoid all sugars or salts snacks, but subs them with whole fruit and low salt things like low salt tortilla chips.

   6. I have more success when I set goals for what to eat rather than what not to eat. My current goals are to eat leafy greens, a handful of nuts, berries, and yogurt every day; a vegetarian meal for either lunch or dinner every day; fish at least once a week. Focusing on restrictions just makes me want those foods more.

      1. This. I think adding in or attempting to sub out, with the addition of going really heavy on water intake, seems to help me the most. So it’s not that I “can’t” eat an M&M, but I’m supposed to be eating almonds or a cheese stick and I try to choose those. For me, it’s mostly just being prepared. And adding water.

   7. I think Whole 30 is not necessary if you’re just trying to curb a sweet tooth, but you might read about “slaying your sugar dragon.” It’s not easy – that’s why it has a cute name. The book and the redd1t group have lots of suggestions on how to do it.

      W30 is kind of a cold turkey approach, but I also find it helpful to get there by halves – replace afternoon candy with hot tea with a packet of sugar (which is much less sugar than most candy!) then after a few days or a week, move to half a packet of sugar. And so forth.

      The afternoon sugar craving also has a lot to do with what you ate for lunch (just like that craving for a bowl of ice cream after dinner) so you might also read up on it. Good luck!

      1. Is there a sugar specific subreddit, or are you talking about the Whole 30 one?

         1. The whole 30 sub

   8. Maybe just try avoiding processed carbs and things with added sugar. Some of the diets like Whole 30 are super restrictive on things that are still good for you, like beans. Restricting processed foods seems restrictive enough to me.

   9. Whole Life Challenge. Not sure when they will start up the next round, but it may be what you are looking for.

   10. I think you can make changes that will have a very big impact without doing something as restrictive (and as much work!) as Whole30. Cutting back on processed food and eating more whole foods is a much easier way in, I think, with good results. I really like the blog 100 Days of Real Food for this:
       https://www.100daysofrealfood.com/
       She did a cold turkey 100 days of cutting out everything processed some years ago, but has many, many suggestions on the website for doing this more gradually, or picking and choosing your battles. For your particular goals, saying you can only have sweets, desserts, and salty snack foods that you have made yourself — then the next step could only those you made yourself with whole grains and honey/maple syrup, not white flour and white sugar.
       She also has a lot of great recipes — though definitely not all vegetarian. For all vegetarian and vegan recipes with a similar focus on whole foods, try Cookie and Kate:
       https://cookieandkate.com/

6. I learned about Modsy from a rec here. I have been thinking about using it for our open concept kitchen-dining-living room (aka giant mess that never feels put together). For the people that have used it – how did it go?

   1. Just got it and I think it works best for what you need it for – figuring out how to make a cohesive layout. I didn’t love all of the specific pieces they recommended, but being able to play around and swap out alternatives helped us figure out if the stuff we did like made sense in the layout they suggested. Overall, I liked it, but probably wouldn’t bother using it again.

      1. +1 to cohesive layout and general color scheme. I was exhausted from moving and just couldn’t make a decision about the living room, which was a complete blank slate. Even if I didn’t like the exact things they suggested, it helped trigger ideas and playing with the 3D layout was super useful.

   2. Loving it. We bought a new house and I’m design inept – I know what I like but no idea how to begin and get analysis paralysis.

      I did three rooms. One of them I ordered furniture directly through them and the others I did it on my own. I found ordering through them added an unnecessary layer of annoyance… easier to just order direct from the vendors and not have the middle man. I also refuse to buy a $2k couch without seeing fabric in person. A light green on the screen ended u being pea green in person at Crate and Barrel so just keep that mind.

   3. to threadjack this, I’m also thinking about using Modsy for my living/dining room. For those who have used it, is it worth paying for the $129 premium or is the $69 classic sufficient? The fact that you only get two designs with the classic is a little worrisome to me, but then, if I don’t like any of the two designs, I don’t have faith that they would hit on my taste on design 3 or 4.

      1. I used Modsy and did both the classic and the upgraded for one room. I don’t recall there being much difference, but I they did completely miss my style on the first two designs. They then called and we discussed it on the phone and they nailed it for the replacements. I think they are easy to work with and I love the visualizations.

   4. A friend used it for kitchen and wasn’t happy with the result. It was pretty but not a lot of thought was put into functionality.

   5. I just got my two Modsy designs back for a combined living room / dining room space. I primarily used it to see how the room could be laid out, and I was happy with how the designs came back.

      I liked some but definitely not all of the pieces they chose. One of the most useful features is that we now can move furniture in and out of the designs to better match our tastes.

      We did pay for premium, but haven’t yet done the consultation. Since we paid for it, we’ll use it to try to get more pieces that we would actually buy. In retrospect, though, I don’t think we needed it, as the ability to move furniture around in the original designs is sufficient for that purpose.

7. Reapplying SPF question. Wanted to know how you ladies re-apply SPF over makeup during the day. I use sunscreen daily (SuperGoop! unseen sunscreen) under my makeup, and I tried their makeup setting spray for reapplication but the nozzle sucks (kept getting jammed). I’m looking for something I could keep in my purse and put on before lunch time walks, or trips to the farmer’s market.

   1. My friends does a sunscreen loose powder& loves it. I am not as diligent…

      1. I am super intrigued by this idea! Does anyone have a recommendation?

         1. Bare Minerals has a couple products for this purpose. I like the Mineral Veil (SPF 15, IIRC), but I am pretty pale with a strong pink undertone and I do not mind that the product also “brightens”, so YMMV. I would go into one of their stores and try things out.

         2. Yes- colorscience sunforgettable powder! It came highly recommended from a family derm.

            https://www.colorescience.com/products/sunforgettable-mineral-sunscreen-brush-spf-30?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=google_shopping&gclid=CjwKCAjwzJjrBRBvEiwA867byjFcqoS1bCQ7PAoUjjLhbeIHgAv3Lf_btjgnK6DNS0t5BtiyOmJcOBoCeMQQAvD_BwE

            1. +1 my derm recommended this and it’s small and super easy to apply so I’m more likely to use it.

         3. I keep Paula’s Choice SPF setting powder in my purse for re application. It a mineral sunscreen and the brush and powder are all in one. I prefer it to the SuperGoop setting powder as it is slightly tinted and does not leave a white cast.

         4. Colorescience. Awesome. Called Sunforgettable, three shades, spf 50. I keep it at the office and apply before the sunny commute home.

      2. SPF powders are hardly effective at all. You have to coat yourself like a mime to get the SPF benefits. There are several online skincare gurus and derms who do time-lapse product comparisons with UV light, and the powders fare the worst of all product types.

         Unfortunately, reapplying SPF over makeup has no good solution thus far.

         1. I don’t think applying the Colorscience powder would be useless. Just because there is no perfect over-makeup solution doesn’t mean that nothing is helpful.

   2. I use the Neutrogena Hydroboost sunscreen and just put it over my make-up. It doesn’t seem to screw anything up. But I wear very little make up.

   3. Sunscreen breaks down with exposure to sun, not due to the passage of time. If you put on sunscreen in the morning under makeup and don’t really see the sun other than a short walk over lunch, especially if wearing a hat, you really don’t need to reapply.
      And how long are you really going to be at a farmer’s market? Again, you only need to reapply the recommended every two hours if you’re in direct sun for long periods of time, so you may not need to do so at all.
      My recommendations for you:
      1) Chemical sunscreen breaks down much faster than mineral so I’d recommend a physical sun screen under makeup.
      2) There are tons of companies that make sunscreen spray specifically for quick easy refreshing, especially over makeup. A cream will completely mess with your makeup. I’ve only tried one of these, but some good recs I’ve seen are: SPF 50 Sunscreen Rose Water Setting Spray, Ultimate Sun Protection Spray Broad Spectrum SPF 50+ For Face/Body, SUPERGOOP! Defense Refresh Setting Mist Broad Spectrum SPF 50.
      I’ve seen some powder refreshers (Supergoop and Peter Thomas Roth have spf powders) but that is highly dependent on if you can find one that matches your skin tone. I prefer to use powder foundation like MAC that has spf in it and reapply that.

      1. It doesn’t break down due to the passage of time. But it does rub off, especially if you’ve washed and dried your hands.

      2. I really hated the Supergoop spray. It was heavily perfumed and kinda burned.

   4. Tarte makes a sunscreen powder in a convenient tube with built in brush for this reason. I carry it in my purse. It goes on absolutely fine over makeup. However I’m only going to use it if I’m outside a lot, which I am definitely not on a typical office day.

   5. Kate Somerville makes a really great sunscreen makeup setting spray, but I’ve also used any Neutrogena that comes in an aerosol and it’s alright.

   6. Agree with other posters that sunscreen powders/mists aren’t effective. It’s probably better than nothing, but not by much. Not for everyone, but I stopped wearing foundation-type makeup and just do my brows, lips, and mascara (occasional under eye concealer when I really need it) so that I can reapply spf. Plus side is my skin is so even now that I don’t feel like I need the makeup.

8. Hi all! In law school, I didn’t take any tax specific courses because I didn’t think it would come up in my legal career. Of course, life happened, and I’ve ended up in a position where a lot of my clients are small businesses (S corps and LLCs with fewer than 10 members) and I’m trying to get a better handle on some of the generally applicable income tax issues related to that. I spend a lot of time on google looking into this, but I was also hoping for one of those paperback quick study guides I used for finals in law school that I could read through to get some basic principals under my belt. Any suggestions?

   1. Do you have access to PLC? I really like their primers on different law topics.

   2. Do you have a friend at a big firm or a decent law library through your local bar?

      Start with reading the Tax Management Portfolios on these items:

      700 Choice of Entity
      710 Partnerships
      730 S Corps
      752 LLCs

      There are others (lots b/w 700 and 760 might be of interest), and you can skim them and they have workpapers / examples in the back. But maybe start with 700?

   3. Not a book, but I would suggest checking the website for your state CPA society – they offer tons of half and full day courses, and are a great way to get up to speed on topics like want.

9. Our second child is due in February – hoorah! I also have a new & demanding job, am in graduate school at night, and am fairly sleep-deprived already. Any tips for managing this spring? Or just reassurances that I’ll make it through? :)

   1. You WILL make it through! Look ahead to March/April/May/June and see what else may be on the horizon that can be done now — vacation prep, Easter prep, any birthdays or job-related commitments in that timeframe, etc. You may want to see if you can take a quarter/semester off your grad school program at night.

      1. +1 I had my second last December and my Christmas presents were wrapped in September, my Christmas cards written, addressed and stamped in October, my contributions towards Christmas dinner were waiting in the freezer in November, and I had prepared the invitations, decorations, outfits, menus, gifts, etc. for the new arrival’s Sip n See and baptism and our toddler’s 2nd birthday. I’d also stockpiled household and pantry items and bought my toddler’s clothes for the next season.

         Of course, if you’re having a rough pregnancy, you could just get an Amazon prime membership and call it.

   2. You will make it through, but take time now to have (a) real discussion(s) with your partner (not an assumption – you did say “our”) about the things that cause you the most stress. The benefits that result from having help with these specific things will be the greatest. I wish I had taken my own advice!

10. Our second child is due in February – hoorah! I also have a new & demanding job, am in graduate school at night, and am fairly sleep-deprived already. Any tips for managing this spring? Or just reassurances that I’ll make it through? :)

    1. Congratulations!!

       Wish I could offer tips – my first is due in January, so I’m not much help – but I can offer encouragement, and I can tell you that if you’re in a demanding job, graduate school, and have an infant, you’re already a superstar. You don’t have to hit a home run every time you’re up at the plate; sometimes, your job is to get a bunch of base hits or walks.

11. What’s a nice thick/heavy face moisturizer that sinks in well? Thanks!

    1. Not sure how thick you’re looking for but I’ve loved Fresh face creams lately. I have tried the Rose and Lotus ones and I think the Lotus is a bit heavier but both absorb really quickly. You can get samples at Sephora before committing? I also always love the Clinique face moisturizer in the yellow tube (dramatically different?

    2. I like the body shop sleeping masks – basically night cream texture. It says to use them 2x a week but I use mine daily and my skin has looked so much better as a results.

    3. I love the L’Occitane one in the yellow jar. It’s very expensive but their stores have samples.

    4. I like Kiehl’s Rosa Artica, it’s my winter go-to.

    5. Drunk Elephant Lala Retro moisturizer. It’s my fav!

       1. I don’t personally care for it, but LaLa is one of few dimethicone-free options in this genre and it’s very rich, so I’d recommend it also. I just hate the weird smell.

    6. Dr. Jart Ceramidin Cream. I also have used and liked the Fresh Lotus and DE Lala Retro, but they’re both definitely lighter than the Dr. Jart.

       1. +1 on the Dr Jart

          People on the redd1t skin care addiction sub also recommend CeraVe in the tub, which my dumbass thought meant they used the lotion when they were taking a bath, but no, they mean the very emollient body cream that comes in a huge tub. They put it on their faces. I guess it’s a good way to go if you need a ton of moisture, and is definitely a volume deal.

          1. Thank you for the at-desk post-lunch chortle.

    7. Bioessentials Really Rich Moisture! I’ve also used Clinique’s yellow lotion (not gel).

       1. Do you mean Bioelements? That’s all that came up when I searched.

    8. Highly recommend Youth to the People’s Adaptogen Deep Moisture Cream. I have very sensitive dry skin plus rosascea and this stuff is a miracle worker.

    9. Weleda – Nourishing Calendula Face Cream (in the Baby section), it’s amazing!

    10. CeraVe in the tub

        1. +1

12. I have two blazers from Ann Taylor in the past few years and when I bought them I thought they were 3/4 sleeve but after I wore them realized they are more 7/8 sleeves (maybe called bracelet length?). This is fine with short sleeve or sleeveless shirts underneath but I’m confused about how/if to wear long sleeve shirts. If I wear a long sleeve button down shirt then the cuff is fully exposed. Is that the way it’s supposed to look with long sleeves and these short blazers, or should I just never wear long sleeves with these blazers?

    1. Never wear long sleeves with those blazers. Never.

    2. I wouldn’t wear long sleeves with those blazers. I’ve tried pushing up the long sleeves so it hides under the sleeve, but frankly, it never stays put and drives me crazy.

    3. Wear shells or short-sleeve shirts. I’ve tried and it never works.

    4. I think longer sleeves then a blazer can work, but everything has to fall just right – the length of both sleeves, the way the cuff lays, even the way the colors and fabrics work together. I don’t think there are any rules. So, try experimenting with long-sleeved shirts, and you might find a unicorn that looks right, but generally, you probably won’t be able to wear long-sleeved shirts with it.

    5. I don’t think they’re intended to be worn with long sleeve button downs. I have done a tissue thin long sleeve in winter and it looks a little informal/JCrew catalog, which is fine, but the idea is to show off your wrists/bracelets.

    6. If I wore long sleeves, I’d unbutton the cuff, roll it up, and then scrunch up both sleeves generally.

       1. This is what I would do. There was a woman at a conference I just attended that had this look gong on – cuffs folded up on the outside of a shorter sleeved blazer – and it looked really sharp.

    7. Personally I love the look of an interesting blouse coming out of he bottom, but I go for a layered look. I’d just experiment but I wouldn’t rule out long sleeves at all.

    8. Thanks for the input all! I’ll try experimenting but sounds like generally not going to work. So frustrating because I love the blazers that AT has been putting out the past few years (variations of the Newbury blazer in particular) – they are great neutral colors with interesting texture (and machine wash!) but they almost all are this bracelet length and it’s driving me nuts! Any other brands I should be looking at?

    9. You don’t wear these with long sleeves.

    10. Chiming in late, but I work in tech and wear these over long-sleeved tees all the time in the winter. And I look fab.

        (But yeah, not over shirts with buttons. Nope.)

13. Sigh. I’ve done the thing I swore I would never do – I got a little teary in a meeting with my boss. I was telling her about some bad personal news I got yesterday so she would understand that I may be leaving early, coming in late, or taking long lunches to deal with the details of the situation.

    Fortunately she was understanding, but I feel very silly.

    1. It’s okay! You’re a human being, and human beings sometimes experience physiological responses (e.g. tears) to stressors. I’ve gotten teary in front of two different bosses, and both times it’s been totally fine. You are not silly at all.

    2. Why on earth do you feel silly for being a normal human? People are affected by “bad personal news.” End of story. You’re human, and it’s allowed. Even at work.

    3. You’re not silly. Fwiw, I think crying at work because of bad news in your personal life is totally different than crying at work about work. Everyone understands that things like death and serious illness make people emotional.

       1. +1. Crying at work about work is very different than crying about a personal issue. Nobody expects you to be a robot.

       2. +1 This is totally different than crying because you got a negative feedback at a review or criticism in a meeting.

       3. This!

    4. I think that’s a totally reasonable reaction to having to share difficult personal news! Hugs, hopefully you’re taking care of yourself as much as possible.

14. Does anyone else use Bumble or other online dating apps? I’m divorced after a long marriage and new to online dating. I’m using Bumble because I like the idea of women making the first move. While I find that I have no problem getting message exchanges started, they don’t seem to lead to much — the men seem to be content with messaging and then things die off. Are women expected to initiate the dates too? Please share your experiences.

    1. I met my DH on Bumble a few years ago, so I haven’t used it in a while, but I would say yes, if you are interested, you should absolutely ask the guy out on a date. Some guys will take the initiative and ask, but if want to meet up, definitely ask. I think I may have been the one to ask my DH out on our first date, so you never know!

    2. Yeah, welcome to dating in 2019. Getting a guy to actually have a conversation is like pulling teeth. I almost always have to do the asking if I actually want to meet him. Online dating with apps makes the experience less personal, almost like a game instead of connecting to an actual human, and it’s super easy for men to be really lazy about it. It’s not just you.

    3. Yes, ask the guy out if you’re interested in him. I liked bumble because I felt like I had more control because I initiated and I usually after some back and forth asked the guy out to meet for drinks or a date. I liked this because I was coming out of a long breakup and wanted to take some control. My friend who has been long term single and on the apps hates it because she thinks “Bumble breeds weak men” because they don’t make the first move they don’t ask you out and it sets the tone and then he looks to you to make the plans, initiate sex, etc.

    4. You can definitely ask them out, but it’s also possible that they are not super interested in you or generally discouraged, or whatever. I’ve done a lot of online dating (mostly Bumble and some Tinder) and there’s dudes who ask you out right away, dudes to who fade after a short exchange, and the normal ones interested in engaging a conversation and then meeting up. Even after a bit of chat, no guarantee that the first date won’t suck.

       I’m doing this post-divorce after a long marriage as well, and am mid-30s with a kid in NYC. If you want to discuss details, post a burner email and I’ll get in touch!

    5. I have not had any good experience on Bumble. Even when I do ask the guy out, usually about 70% of the men never respond again. It feels really humiliating. Often times when I do meet up with these guys, they act like they are a big deal (even when they are much less attractive in person), in part because they think because I asked them out so I must be really into them.

    6. I hope you repost this tomorrow because I’d love to read about others’ experiences! I quit Bumble for this exact reason.

15. Is it common for a company to advertise a position that it does not truly intend to fill? I am job searching and getting really discouraged. Some of the jobs that I’ve applied for have been advertised repeatedly for 3+ months. It makes me feel really bad that I’m not even worth a phone interview when these companies are having difficulty finding the right candidate. I’m in a big HCOL metro area, and these are not niche positions.

    1. There could be more going on behind the scenes. My very large employer was on a hiring freeze all summer. They didn’t take down any of the job postings on our external website, and eventually most of those will be filled, but we have not been able to take action (interview candidates, make offers to people who interviewed in May etc) all summer long.

       1. This.

    2. We’ve posted jobs that we then lost funding to fill (I’m at a non-profit), and we’ve posted jobs and then learned that someone in our close networks was interested and basically not looked at most of the applications as a result. This has all reinforced for me how important it is to network around job openings to learn the backstory (and of course boost chances of getting an interviews..)

16. Thank you tp all who gave me suggestions yesterday! They were very on point. We really liked the new hotel suggested in Quincy and a few of the others too.

17. I know this question gets asked a lot but what income ratio do you use when buying a home (condo)? I’m wondering if it’s a good time to buy for us. I make 130k/year. DH makes anywhere between 0 and 100k a year (self-employed) so we would want the ability to pay the mortgage on my income alone if necessary but would likely have some wiggle room. We want kids in the next 1-3 years so we would want a 2-bedroom at least. Currently rent a cheap but not great one bedroom for 900/month. Looking at condos in at least the 375-400k range (hard to go lower for a decent place in a good location in my city). We could put 70-80k down. Hoping to stay put for at least 5 years. What would you do?

    1. Common recommendation is no more than 20% of your take home should go to your monthly home outlay (mortgage, taxes, and insurance) and ideally would also encompass some set aside for home maintenance/repairs (this varies wildly, but generally recommended that on average you’ll spend 1-3% of your home value every year on maintenance and repair).

    2. What does the math look like with two daycare payments?

       I never budgeted for that. Banks won’t/can’t tell you to do that. But if you see kids soon, add that to the mix.

       I’d probably still buy, but would consider a fixer that’s been sitting on the market that maybe you’d get a better deal on than something pretty.

       1. Oof. Don’t buy a fixer because they’re cheaper – buy a fixer because you want a fixer.

          1. +1

    3. 0 to 100k is a huge range – what’s his average income? What did he make last year? When did he last earn zero? I would not be comfortable purchasing a 400k condo on a 130k income, so for me it would really depend on what you expect his income to be and how likely it will be that he earns 0.

       1. Fair enough – his average is about 80k but he quit his regular job only 2 years ago, so not a huge sample to rely on. It’s also been unstable – he is super busy for about half the year and then things go quiet for a while. I’m finding it hard to budget for that.
          Good point about childcare too. I guess we should wait a bit until his income stabilizes, but I feel like everyone is buying and I’m missing out and real estates prices keep rising. But I realize this isn’t entirely rational and the market might correct in a little while anyway.

          1. In the mean time, can you guys focus on living off of your salary and putting all of his into savings for the home? This would get you use to living with less disposable income and it sounds like you would be more comfortable with a lower monthly payment, which would be possible with a higher downpayment.

    4. I use my actual budget to determine affordability, not an income ratio.

       I would also work out your plan for child care. What happens if your husband doesn’t have a gig and is earning $0, but you need to pay to keep the kids in day care so you don’t lose the spots? Realistically, you can’t

    5. Don’t forget about the HOA fees with condos. My income is about the same as yours and my max budget for a SFH would be 315. I prefer around 3. I don’t have a husband, but have $70k for the down payment, plus the proceeds from the sale of my current condo (estimated at $60k). i would never be comfortable with a 400k house on my salary.

18. What are your favorite fine dining restaurants in Chicago, especially tasting menu places? DH and I are planning our first post-baby couples trip and our primary goal is eating at a lot of restaurants we couldn’t take a toddler to.

    1. I will forever evangelize Boka’s tasting menu — I’ve done it twice and both times were exceptional. I’ve also heard amazing things about Alinea and Elizabeth, though haven’t been to either.

       1. I enjoyed Elizabeth, but you’ll get much more out of it if you pick a tasting menu with a theme that appeals to you personally. Also, get on their email list. Now and then they send out 50% coupon codes.

    2. Alinea is the most famous one though seats usually sell out 3 months in advance. Roister has the same owner and master chef, though is newer and more American dining, but worth a shot if you can’t get in to Alinea.

       EL Ideas – admittedly I’ve never been here but everyone I know who has been liked it more than Alinea
       Blackbird
       Sepia

       1. If you’re willing to go “standby” at Alinea, there are regularly posts on the chicagofood subreddit selling seats at Alinea from people who bought them 3 months out and suddenly had a conflict.

          1. Secondend, /r/chicagofood has tickets for sale frequently

    3. I haven’t been but want to try Galit!

    4. Jeong is new and very much anticipated, and a friend recently loved the tasting menu. I loved the owners’ old casual place in the burbs, so I’d love to try there.
       The other suggestions above are good – I’ve eaten at all of them and really enjoyed them.

       1. Thanks for this. Just booked Jeong for a mother daughter Chicago trip.

    5. Alinea is the obvious rec but Oriole, Spiagga, and Smyth are all excellent

    6. Also check out Next (rotating menu, so check first). And I recommend heading to Aire Ancient Baths for a couple of hours before if you’re going to be near the West Loop for dinner.

       1. I’ve never heard of this place before. Interesting. Thanks for the recommendation.

          1. It is wonderful

    7. El Ideas!!!

19. I think that this community is so helpful (mostly) and gives such good advice, especially when friends have medical crises etc. I just found out about an organization that provides free cleaning services for women undergoing chemo treatment. It’s a non-profit called Cleaning for a Reason and the website is cleaningforareason dot org. They provide 4 months’ cleaning at once a month during treatment. The woman just needs to fax/send doctor’s note to the org. They also have a program where someone can donate a gift cleaning to a friend. And you can also donate so that they can provide the service to others in need. I can’t vouch for the quality of this charity but it seems legit.

    1. My cleaners participate with this charity, and I also think it’s terrific (and it makes me even happier to hire them for my own house).

20. Random Q: what spices and mixes do you love? I just fell in love with the Umami seasoning from Trader Joe’s and add it to every dang thing. My list:

    TJ Everything but the Bagel
    TJ Umami Seasoning
    (TJ Yuzu Sauce)
    Penzeys for basics like onion powder and garlic powder; occasionally I’ll put Fox Point on eggs.
    McCormicks Just a Pinch Lemon Herb Seasoning
    McCormicks Just a Pinch Steak Seasoning
    Twangerz Lemon Salt

    1. OLD BAY
       ALL DAY
       EVERY DAY

    2. Hello…..Old Bay should be at the top of your list
       and good Smoked Paprika from Whole Foods or other

       1. Another old school fav of mine – Lawry’s Seasoning Salt.

          1. +1 to Lawry’s

    3. Za’atar and Baharat.

       I recently overbought Chinese 5 spice, so have been experimenting with it in both sweet and savory dishes.

    4. – Spaghettata blend from Villa Cappelli
       –

    5. Penzeys Vietnamese Cinnamon

    6. I love this mole so much. I put it dry on roasts, into soups, and use as simmer sauce base.

       1. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00OKJL0OW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

21. The woman on the right, is it business formal or business casual?
    https://www.instagram.com/p/B1XTec7Auhi/

    1. Business casual

       1. Here we go again.

    2. Definitely business casual. To me, business formal is a suit or suit equivalent, which this is not.

    3. Formal business casual?!? Business formal to me is still suits or suiting dress with a coordinating blazer. Formal business casual is blazer, slacks/skirt and blouse, or dress (jersey or suiting material) with a blazer. Business casual is work wear separates (or a dress) but no blazer. I also see a lot of dark wash jeans with nice tops and blazers/sweaters and blazers among execs/senior leaders on ‘business casual/less formal industries’ or dress down days.
       FWIW I wear ‘formal business formal’ almost exclusively but haven’t had to wear a proper suit (aside from interviews) in years and haven’t seen men wearing ties much these days either.

    4. I think she is at the formal side of business casual. Business formal means suits and ties for men. IME, women have more flexibility and can wear a suit or coordinated separates, but not non-coordinated separates.

       1. Agree. In my business casual office, this would be considered dressed up but not something you’d wear to a board meeting where everyone is wearing suits.

    5. Biz casual.

    6. Casual in my mind. Khaki colored pants on women (unless it’s a full khaki suit) just scream casual.

    7. Go away you Brooks Brothers-obsessed weirdo.

       1. Yes this

          1. It’s so weird for me to imagine some weirdo with a fetish for button down shirts on women pleasuring himself to c0rpor3tte. But here we are.

             1. At this point, I’m kinda wondering if what he actually gets off on is us laughing at him.

             2. You really think it’s a dude? I think it’s more likely a Brooks Brothers’ marketing intern trying to drive traffic to their s*te/social media.

       2. +1

       3. +1

          Yall fell for it really?

       4. +1, Kat, please investigate

22. Talk to me about ingrown hairs on the bikini line. I usually either just trim/keep the hair or get a wax if I’m going on a trip, but decided to shave this time and OMG the ingrowns are out of control. How do I fix?! I usually have maybe one or two that I just leave alone or exfoliate and they resolve themselves but this is like every.single.hair.

    Any ideas on how to get rid of these before this weekend? It all looks terrible and I do NOT want to put a swimsuit on or have BF fun time with all of these red spots :(

    1. Salicylic acid. Tend Skin is the best, but Stridex in the red tub will work, too.

    2. Rubbing alcohol. It’s the main ingredient in products like Tend Skin.

23. I’m starting to date again after a long-term relationship. I’ve gone on a few dates with a younger guy. I anticipate we’ll garden on the next date. I’m really excited about this, but I’m having a lot of trouble not feeling really self-conscious about my body. I’m a size 14/16. I had been with my former partner so long, that I had gotten really comfortable. Any tips to get over this and enjoy the experience?

    1. I have no advice but sympathy. I’m a size 16 and I’m afraid to date because of it.

    2. When I was younger, I noticed my guy friends (they’re married now) generally just loved women and found them attractive, including (without any hesitation) size 14/16. I think *women* are harsh on ourselves. But most men really aren’t. For the most part, they are just happy to receive positive attention from a woman. I bet you look hot! Own it.

       1. This. This this this. He will be so happy to be gardening with you!!

       2. I tend to agree. Women worry about this stuff far, far more than men do. Try and think about it like this – he has some idea of what you will look like without clothes because he has seen you with clothes and he is with you and wants you…so just enjoy yourself.

    3. Bigger body = bigger chest, rock it out

    4. I’m size 16 and I’m least self conscious about it naked. I figure a guys got me naked so he obvi liked what he saw clothed, I got great boobs, and he’s not conducting a forensic appraisal of my flaws, he’s getting laid.

       1. Yeah, typically the only time I hear men doing “appraisals” of women’s bodies the way we do to ourselves, they’re gay! Straight men in dating situations with women they like do not scrutinize.

    5. I feel less self-conscious if the lighting is flattering. Some guys don’t seem to understand the difference between a harsh overhead and a bedside lamp, so if you can choose/suggest bedside lamp, that might help.

24. So yesterday morning I woke up early and feeling upbeat for the day. I had an 8a.m meeting and my 1hr plus commute to work somehow shortened to 45 minutes. As I went about the day I noticed that my mood took a near 180 degree turn and by the time I was crawled into bed at night I was crying and feeling depleted of the life within me. This was a normal work day with no out of the norm event.
    Is it normal to get such a complete change in one’s personal outlook of life and in such a short frame of time? If yes, why? Do other ladies get like this for no reason? My day was a good normal day, even great by some stretch. Why then did I end up so drained of life and feeling lonely (one thought was feeling like a failure because I am single and have no family yet) and helpless? Is it hormones? I am 32.

    Ps: for today,rather I decided to work half day.

    1. I’m someone who can go through a full spectrum of human emotions in regular a day. The answer for me was chemical imbalances in my brain. Specifically, dopamine. Also being single when you don’t want to be just blows sometimes. I’m sorry. Hugs.

    2. Honestly, I don’t know if this is normal, but it does happen to me occasionally. I often just feel exhausted by the routine of adult life. Even when nothing is wrong, it’s hard to get up every morning and go through all the requisite motions all day. When I’m feeling like that, I’ll try to break things up by working from home the next day (not having to commute or pack lunches or prepare a professional outfit lifts a burden) or take a day off or remind myself of something fun on the horizon.

    3. Well, I’ve felt like this quite recently but I am nearly 52 so chalked it up to menopause.

       It’s not unreasonable to think hormones – maybe you are being more affected by where you are in your cycle than you have been, or if you are on birth control pills, maybe you are starting to react to them differently?

    4. Go back over your day and remember when the downturn started. What kind of conversation or thoughts were you having just before that? What was it that started making you notice that you were single?

       It’s not uncommon at all for me to be doing well, and then a small thing (like a coworker talking about the great dinner yesterday evening with his wife and their couple friends) highlights that I don’t have a husband or couple friends and I ate dinner alone last night in front of Netflix, and then I start feeling sad, lonely, and like a failure.

       A hormonal shift can exacerbate all this and make me escalate wistfulness into heavy sadness / failure, so figure out where you are in your cycle and start taking note.

    5. This happens to me occasionally. IDK why. I think that really minor things can just set me off sometimes. Like my husband saying a comment in the “wrong” tone, and my internal interpretation of it being unnecessarily harsh.

    6. I second checking your cycle. PMS for me is real and leads to mood swings, irritability and thought spirals about catastrophic events involving myself or my family – within hours. It passes after a half to two days, usually. So I would monitor this for a bit to see whether there are any patterns.

25. This may be better suited for the afternoon post: I just got a job offer for a job I’m relatively interested in. It’s a 15% raise from where I’m at right now, I’d like to get it closer to 20% so intend to push back. My husband is unemployed right now so while every dollar counts, I don’t want to make the wrong job move just for the sake of that.

    The catch is I was contacted by recruiters this week for two other jobs — another private sector company with a job that I’m more interested in (it would be job growth vs just job advancement) as well as a recruiter from another part of the public sector (where I’m at now.)

    I am in an okay job right now — public sector so very stable, pay is okay but not great, I can be here for as long as I want but I’m “tapped out” bored and there are zero opportunities for advancement.

    Has anybody been in a similar situation? How do you weigh taking the job you’re offered now that’s okay versus waiting for the job you want more that isn’t a sure thing?

    1. Every time I’ve tried to delay a sure thing (job offer) for a possible opportunity where I’d be a perfect fit (interviewing for the dream job), it’s not worked well in my favor. In at least two instances, I stalled and stalled on an offer because I was in the final rounds of interviewing for the dream job, and the former finally had to move along without me – and I didn’t get the dream job.

       My advice? Take the offer.

    2. Unless you are close enough to the end of one process that you can ask for more time to review the current offer, it’s best to just take the offer. My issue with this shiny new job is that you are far too early in the process: you were contacted by a recruiter. You might not get an interview, let alone an offer, let alone an offer that pays you more than this current offer.

    3. Take the offer, for sure.

26. I have a minor problem that’s driving me insane. My phone number at work is a direct line. I have been getting scammy telemarketer calls EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for weeks. The same company. Different phone number/ different person every time. I can tell within seconds what it is because they use the same opening line every time and I just hang up. Ugh

    1. Have you told them to take you off of their call list and to never contact you again explicitly? Some companies will take you off of the list if you are super explicit about it. Also let them know that you’ll report them to the state attorney general and you’ve kept records of times, dates, phone numbers and persons talking to so they can trace whoever is spamming the phone. It is a viable threat so they might listen.

       1. This is well meaning advice but unfortunately no longer works. I mean, if the American Red Cross is bugging you, maybe. But if the call comes from overseas – even if it looks like it’s from the us, it’s probably not really – and is super scammy, you are unfortunately out of luck.

    2. If these are true scam calls and you speak a foreign language, I’ve had good luck at pretending that you don’t speak English. Not the greatest think to do, but I’m willing to do so to stop the scam that keeps calling me 4+ times a day to tell me I won a government grant

    3. Home improvements? I’ve been reporting them diligently on the donotcall site, since I’ve had my phone number registered there since way back when. You should register this phone number too, and if enough instances are recorded with the FTC, they should be able to shut the scammers down.

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