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Coffee Break: Annette Mule

If you're hunting for a great mule to wear to your office (especially with cropped pants!), Linea Paolo has a ton of mules that are getting great reviews. Many are also on sale, so MOST sizes/colors are in stock, but not all.

The top-reviewed mule is actually the Annie mule, but stock is very low on that — the pictured mule, Annette, has solid reviews as well and 4 colors to choose from, marked between $49-$85 (they're $110-$120 full price). Nice, especially for an long-standing reader favorite for comfortable shoes. (Nordstrom Rack also has a few options for Linea Paolo mules!)

(This Sam Edelman mule is also getting good reviews!)

I'm inclined to warn that mules are a “know your office” situation, as the amount of skin may put them into sandal/peep-toe category for a lot of office dress codes. (What's the old rule — there should be more shoe than foot?) What are your thoughts, readers?

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Sales of note for 12.5

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244 Comments

  1. Kat/Kate, I love these mules! I now have 3 good pairs that I wear all the time around my apartment. When I come out of the shower, I slip into a pair and I can go all day.

    Question for the HIVE: Does anyone know of a way we can get permission to go to Ukraine to help? I have my cousins over there and if I can go, I can mabye take their baby out and then I could have a baby to take care of. Others are suposedly doing that and I can get a relative to give me a baby, I will do it! Let me know what I need to do to go to their no fly zone, or else mabye I’d go to Poland? TIA

  2. I just hate mules. Having a good heel day (soft, not too cracked or dry/flaky) is hard after winter and hard in the summer. My feet don’t stay in them and they clomp, especially on stairs. I’d rather wear socks and Birks, but somehow that isn’t an office look (when everything this side of pajamas is).

    I am noting slingbacks starting to show up here and there and they are like the same thing but with more blister potential.

    Even with sensible heel heights or no heels at all, it’s still a hard time out there for feet.

    1. +1. My feet don’t stay in them and I end up getting foot cramps from trying to squeeze my toes to keep them on. No thanks. I’m leaving the mules and slingbacks in 2003.

      Super flat shoes tend to hurt my feet just as much (but differently!) than heels.

    2. For me, they are perfect.

      I have narrow long feet with tiny heels and most shoes just slip off my heels. I have to use tons of shoe inserts/moleskin/pads/bandaids etc… Yuck. A mule… solves the problem. Love it.

      All of us have different shaped bodies/feet etc… Some things work for some people and not for others.

    4. I hate them too. I hated them, what 12 years ago? And I don’t see why they’re back. They sound and look sloppy. I will never never wear them.

    5. My feet hate both mules and slingbacks. But they love my sockless Birks that I started wearing to the office last summer. I would have never considered office Birks before the pandemic, but now they are here to stay!

    6. I’m not allowed to wear mules, but I wouldn’t wear them anyway. The effort to keep them on my feet makes my calves cramp horribly, and I eat plenty of bananas.

    7. I need a mule with a high instep to stay on my feet. My favorites are Birkenstock Buckley (loafer style front) and Dansko Britney, but they’re both really causal.

  3. The community thread this morning inspired me to ask my questions here. I’m planning to host some neighborhood happy hours/open backyard evenings this summer. A nice little group of us regularly chat when our dogs say hello or romp for a few minutes during walks, so I thought, why not do it with a drink in hand? I’m planning to buy wine, beer, and seltzer and maybe make a pitcher of some simple cocktail (any suggestions?). I’m stuck on food. I would like to have a couple of snacks set up on my patio dining table – individual stuff like skewers folks can grab with one hand without touching other food in light of Covid concerns. Any suggestions? Also, is it weird if I ask people to bring their own cup? I would rather not buy plastic and all my stuff is breakable, which makes me nervous when dogs/kids are running and playing. Thanks!

    1. Those little lunchbox containers of guac and hummus? But, honestly, with a serving spoon and hand sanitizer I don’t think it needs to be a bit deal by summer.

    2. I think it would be weird to ask people to bring their own cup (and what will you do if they forget? you’ll end up pulling out your glassware). If it were me, I would just buy some reusable plastics and keep them, since it sounds like you’ll be hosting multiple of these.

      1. I got custom-made To Go cups (so washable, reusable fancy plastic cups) printed up reading “Casa Anon” with some artwork on them.

    3. It would be weird to ask people to bring their own cup, but I’d still come and I’d bring one and I wouldn’t think less if you. It’s just be a little weird and I might forget so please have something for me on had.

      I bet you could get plastic cups at a thrift store for dirt cheap.

      1. +1 or a dollar store. My parents bought “glass” champagne flutes for my wedding from Dollar Tree and nobody knew the difference.

    4. Or just do beer, seltzer, cans of wine, bottles of water and juice boxes and don’t have any cups at all.

    5. I think by summer people will be fine with normal serving protocols.

      If you’re planning on doing this more than once (or just having other friends over for bbqs/outdoor drinking), I’d head to home goods and pickup some cute non breakable “glassware”. It’ll be cheap enough there that it’s not an issue if it doesn’t get a ton of use, but will be convenient to have. Thry have some really cute/festive options.

      If you don’t want to do that, I’d only offer drinks that come in single serve bottles/cans: beer and seltzers are easy since that’s how they’re sold, you can do canned wines, and in that case I’d either do canned cocktails or skip a cocktail option.

    6. I’d probably go for another packaged nonalcoholic drink (soda, ginger beer, lemonade, iced tea, etc.) before I asked people to bring their own cups for cocktails, but that’s just me, as someone who’s not drinking much these days and also doesn’t like seltzer. But I wouldn’t be offended if you didn’t cater to every possible taste and think it makes more sense for you to buy things you like, as there will likely be leftovers (I’d certainly never buy seltzer for a party unless I was 100% positive there was someone who really wanted it and would take home any leftovers). But if you really want to do cocktails or just have pitchers of water or iced tea, I think it’s fine to ask people to reduce waste and bring their own cup- they’re your neighbors, so presumably they don’t have far to travel.

    7. We host casual get-togethers a lot during the summer months, and I’ll say that investing in a set of melamine dishes has been worth it. I don’t worry about my nice stuff breaking, but I’m also not continually buying plasticware. I think asking people to bring a cup is super weird, sorry.

      As far as food goes, keep it simple. Dips are always popular at our house. Hummus and veggies. Fruit skewers. Brownie bites.

    8. Alright, I’m convinced that “bring your own cup” is weird :) I’ll check out a home goods store for some cute reusable stuff because I would like to get back in the habit of entertaining regularly. Would still love some food recs! Single serving options are my preference, simply because they’re easier to eat (in addition to being more sanitary in case I do have some cautious folks there).

    9. I feel so impatient with people who still don’t know how COVID spreads (I know that’s not helpful, but good lord what have our institutions of public health been up to if there’s still this much confusion in the world).

      1. My concern isn’t COVID by touch. It’s other illnesses that will end up getting a COVID test and life upset if I otherwise don’t need to. I don’t want to be eating anything someone likely has touched with unwashed hands in a gathering if I don’t have to. Also, it clearly is not the primary way for infection by any means, but it CAN linger on surfaces (read CDC guidance if you’re doubtful instead of being so impatient). If you’re trying to create a nice setting, having folks icked out by crowding around and sharing a pair of tongs that has been dropped in the salad over and over isn’t the way to do it.

        1. In that case, the lunch box items section of the grocery store has stuff where no one will touch anyone else’s food or need serving utensils. Individual Fritos and Lays will surely be eaten though.

        2. I was cautious about food safety even before COVID. I once watched a toddler stick his hand into a bowl of dip, lick it, and then stick it back in while his parents laughed at how cute he was. I no longer eat dip at parties, or anything that is likely to have been touched by someone else. I don’t want your cold, or your norovirus, or whatever other germs you’re carrying.

          2. Salad tongs are not this level of ick.

            OTOH, I kind of believe that the germier an environment you are in (within reason), the stronger your immune system is. Kids using a 5-second rule in a house with a dog? Probably pretty germy but in a good way. Like Jenner’s milkmaids who didn’t get smallpox because they had had cowpox.

      2. Covid spreads by surfaces/touch. It’s not the main mode of spread, but transmission via that route has been documented in other countries that have better contact tracing and genetic sequencing than we do.

    11. I don’t like buffet style even in non-Covid times, but especially now. I like things that are easy to grab and go as individual servings and not too spicy or unusual (no one wants to have to ask what something is or what is in it). Always popular are things like mini sandwiches on rolls, mini pizzas on crescents that are cut into fourths, skewers with something veg friendly like mozzarella/cherry tomatoes/basil and possibly another option with chicken or beef/pepper/onion/tomatoes. For sweets if you want to go that way, I’d do hand pies and cupcakes and fruit skewers. Google tapas recipes–you may get some great inspiration there as well.

    12. Do you have a Costco or Trader Joe’s nearby? They both have good options for individual snacks.

      If you want to host regular get togethers, I think investing in non-breakable, cheap, reusable cups is the way to go. I would not object to bringing my own cup, but I may not remember to! Or you could stick with drinks that come in their own bottle or can.

      1. +1. Trader Joe’s is great for this. Also, you can never go wrong with pigs in a blanket.

    13. Bring your own cup reminds me of college when the frats could afford a keg but not cups and the party would then be themed anything but cups. Everyone had to BYO a non-cup drinking vessel. Fun when I was 19, weird now.

    15. For a gathering like this, I would keep it more casual and less boozy with beer, wine, and seltzer. If you want to do cocktails, I’d suggest margaritas.

      For snacks, skewers of tomato, basil and mozzarella. Peppadews stuffed with goat cheese. “Grown up” bagel bites. Veggies and chips and dips. Meatballs on a skewer. Prosciutto and cantaloupe on a skewer.

    16. A big pitcher of sangria would be festive! Olive tapenade on cucumber rounds, two kinds of crostini with tomato/basil topping and a soft or spreadable cheese with chopped chives. Have a wonderful time! I invested time early on developing the occasions for my block to hang in the street with eats/drinks while the kids played and it lasted for years. A richly rewarding experience that everyone, including the kids, remembers fondly.

    17. I’m curious. This sounds so nice. What area of the country is this. I live in northern New Jersey in the same house for 20+year and would not recognize one of my neighbors if my life depended on it.

      1. FWIW, my neighborhood in center city philly does stuff like this. During pre-vax Covid in particular we made an effort to do outside happy hours on Fridays (everyone either sat on their stoop 15 feet apart or stood in the street) – byob!

      2. I’m in the midwest. It’s a great neighborhood – they do an annual Halloween block party and July 4th parade where all the kids decorate their bikes. There’s no HOA but there is a civic association staffed by volunteers and they plan a bunch of that stuff. And there are tons of friendly dogs with friendly owners, which is how I met almost all of the neighbors I plan to invite.

        Thanks for the ideas, all!

      4. I’m in the Midwest, lived in my house for a decade and do not know the name of a single neighbor. Others in the neighborhood seem to hang out and be friendly. My husband and I aren’t social butterflies, but we’re not rude or antisocial and we don’t seem to have trouble getting to know people in other situations, so I’m not sure why we have made zero connections in the neighborhood. I sometimes feel really weird and guilty about it, like I’m the only person who doesn’t know my neighbors. So I’m glad there are others out there!

    18. I bought a set of acrylic glasses from HomeGoods or Marshalls to use on our deck and around the pool when my kids were young enough to want “real” glasses, but still clumsy enough to be knocking things over. That set is still going strong, I think I’ve lost one over the 20 plus years that I’ve had them.

    19. I mean didn’t we learn somewhere around June 2020 that Covid spreads in the air not through food? I think you’re fine serving normal food. For super casual, you can’t go wrong with chips and salsa or dip. I’d just get a case of reuse-able plastic glasses. You can get them in almost any shape, I like stemless wine glasses as they work for wine and cocktails. In summer, Aperol spritzers are an easy batch drink.

  4. Do you feel like your friendships are fractured over Covid cautiousness (or lackthereof)? Do you think it’s temporary?

    I had lunch on Sunday with girlfriends (INSIDE) for the first time in 2 years and before/after food came I kept my mask on; it felt like there was eyerolling happening.

    1. I’ll admit I lost interest in trying to plan things/see people that shot down every suggestion I had ahd didn’t make their own suggestions. I resumed indoor dining once I got vaxxed but I have 2 friends who still do not. I think it’s excessive (all are young and healthy and no underlying conditions. One friends parents even told her to lighten up and dine indoors with them!) but That’s fine, you do you, but if you turn down my suggestion then you need to come up with a few one.

      1. A new plan that doesn’t complicate or compromise enjoyment for the rest of the group.

        Unless you have underlying health conditions (which I assume friends would know about), I honestly think masking in restaurants except while eating is unnecessary at this point.

        1. … but 1/3 of americans are overweight, which is a comorbidity, or have people in their orbit who have comorbidities

          also… long covid? changes to your brain? the “wave of disability” headed our way (per Scientific American)?

          1. I’m not opposed to alternate options but I am opposed to having to come up with them for people who are self righteous about how they’re doing Covid better than I am

          2. If somebody is worried about the risk of breakthrough infection, then they really shouldn’t be unmasking indoors at all.

          3. There’s overweight and there’s obese / morbidly obese / super-morbidly obese. Merely being overweight does not seem like a big risk factor the way current T2 diabetes or other conditions are. If 1/3 of the people have a risk factor, essentially no one has a risk factor. A real risk factor still seems to largely correlate with age.

          4. Anon @ 3:32, are you implying that only morbidly obese people deserve to be worried about COVID complications? I think everyone should. See the recent piece from NPR about “medium COVID.” I can’t afford to be sick for 10-12 weeks, much less get long COVID.

          5. I thought even slightly overweight people were at risk of developing diabetes from a breakthrough infection, which is kind of a big deal.

            Honestly the people I know who got long term complications from breakthrough infections had no known risk factors (young, athletic, high energy, no medical diagnoses beyond stuff like “seasonal allergies”).

          6. Anyone can develop diabetes from a breakthrough infection. Covid is not something you want to get, even without underlying conditions.

        2. I wouldn’t assume that friends know about underlying medical conditions. I hide mine from many people for many reasons.

          1. +1 weird to me that you assume everyone knows about any health conditions. I have an autoimmune disease (that is well-controlled with medicine that does not suppress my immune system or render me “immuocompromised”). Absent Covid, the disease does not affect my daily life at all, and basically no one in my life knows other than my husband, parents and best friend. Autoimmune disease are apparently a really big risk factor for long Covid so I’m continuing to be very cautious.

          3. I just was thinking the same thing. You don’t know everyone’s health conditions or family member’s health conditions. I have family members that have a 50/50 chance of surviving covid and I can’t just not see them for weeks. I won’t do indoor dining but I’m fine with outdoors and space heaters. Any friends who don’t understand/respect my concerns, well, they’re no longer friends.

        3. Masking while not eating but then obviously unmasking when eating, all in the same place, with the same people, doesn’t make too much sense. If you say no unmasking indoors and then stick to it, at least that is logical.

      2. I should add that until vax I was very cautious. Post vax I’ve still been masking, mostly eating outdoors, mostly avoiding very crowded bars/restaurants, not doing anything reckless.

        These are friends who after being vaccinated last summer (so low case counts in our area) bristled at outdoor patio (so not enclosed dining hut) dining.

        I worked in public health and took things seriously. I was full time in person bc the demands of my job (running a vaccination clinic!)

        1. That is so weird to me. Outdoor patios are lovely in the summer and I ate on them regularly pre-Covid. We even call summer ‘patio season’ in my city.

          1. I agree but they were not comfortable being unmasked with anyone outside of their household for any reason. Beats me…

          2. Ohhh you’re saying they were too cautious for patios. That at least makes more sense (and my husband was the same way pre-vax, which annoyed me). I thought you were saying they didn’t want to do patios because they felt indoors was safe and patios were unnecessary, which seems illogical given that patio dining was a thing before Covid.

      3. Same here. One of my friends is still not comfortable indoor dining but won’t suggest an alternative plan, and the last time we made plans to dine outdoors she cancelled at the last minute saying she thought she had Covid (she didn’t). I’m done asking. If she wants to get together, she can invite me and come up with an event of her choosing she’s comfortable participating in. I’m vaxxed and boosted and have been indoor dining, going to the movies, going bowling, going to friend’s houses, flying on planes, having meetings indoors etc. for months now. (And have not gotten sick, BTW. With anything.) If my friend wants to stay stuck in March of 2020, that’s her choice, but I’m not staying there with her. P.s. she’s not immunocompromised or in touch with anyone who is.

    2. Yes, i do and unfortunately i don’t think it is temporary (though I hope to be wrong). I feel like covid highlighted differences that neither side can un-see, and it would require some serious work as to reining in ones’ own ego to repair those friendships.

    3. I am hoping it’s temporary. The experience in a place with a very overwhelmed healthcare system has been a lot to live through for those of us who are high risk and have been advised to “ride the waves.” I don’t really feel like my best self on a lot of metrics after Delta and Omicron hit one after another this past winter. It’s a huge relief that the weather is nice for outdoor gatherings again now.

      1. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’ve done so much outdoor socializing IN THE WINTER that I may be disappointed next year that I can’t just go out in fleece-lined khakis and hiking boots with thick wool socks and have hot-hands in my pockets.

      1. That’s rude. And apart from that, someone might want to limit the amount of exposure they got – 10 min of mask off eating being less than 45 min of unmasked talking.

        2. Am I the only person who eats the length of a restaurant meal? Restaurant meals are so delicious that I am not scarfing down my food then talking, but having a leisurely meal while I converse, so having bites and sips for the whole time (and nibbles before the real food comes out).

    5. I am continuing to mask in public indoor spaces and I don’t dine indoors. I think wearing a mask only until the food comes is useless, so I’d probably roll my eyes too.

      1. +1. I think they were probably eye-rolling at the hygiene theatre, not the Covid caution. Like Anon at 3:00, I am very Covid cautious. I still don’t dine indoors and continue to mask in indoor public spaces, but I think if you’re dining indoors, you’ve accepted the risk of dining indoors and wearing a mask before and after eating is silly and I would (inwardly) roll my eyes at someone masking in a restaurant.

    6. I don’t mind people picking their lane, but I internally eye roll at precautions that don’t make much sense. So someone avoiding indoor dining altogether makes more sense than someone wearing a mask for a part of the time at a restaurant.

      1. +100

        In my mind, if you’re ok with indoor dining then you’re ok with indoor dining. If you’re not, you’re not. But to wear a mask only to take it off to eat is just not logical and I’d eyeroll at that too

      2. interesting — i’ve only recently started dining indoors; i thought for the past 2 years the CDC advice has been to wear masks unless eating or drinking?

        1. It has been, but it didn’t really make a lot of sense. Waitstaff, OTOH, I get masking.

          1. Love the people here who cite the CDC for the things they want to and say this about the things they don’t. Great work, guys.

          2. Anon at 4:57 – right? The cherry-picking of whose advice about what to listen to when is pretty amusing. Some folks were all about following CDC guidance until the CDC relaxed restrictions past their individual comfort level. Now it’s “ignore the CDC, they’re too political. Instead you should follow the advice of this super-Covid-conservative blogger I found.” LOL

          3. CDC changed goal posts from “protecting people from hospitalization and death” to “protecting hospitals from having to deal with too much hospitalization and death” at a time. They explicitly said so.

            It’s rational for people who don’t want to be hospitalized or die to follow different guidelines from guidelines designed only to manage hospital capacity.

        3. yeah I think masks in restaurants are ridiculous for diners. I guess technically it mitigates a small portion of the risk, but since diners spend the vast majority of their time eating and drinking unmasked, if you were going to catch Covid at a restaurant, you’re going to catch it even if you mask between courses.

    7. Lack of COVID caution has revealed to me that some of my friends and family are selfish jerks, so no I don’t think it’s temporary. Life is short. I don’t have time to waste on people who want to lecture me on why being asked to wear a mask to school and missing the homecoming dance was a terrible inconvenience to their perfect children, when 15 months of remote school caused actual permanent damage to mine.

      1. This is where I fall. My mom has SLE, and I’m done with people whose social lives are inconvenienced by me trying not to kill her. I was already overly cautious compared to the average person before Covid, but it was different back then, when people weren’t aggressive about making contagion a political cause.

    8. Yes. I know I am one of the ones that people are looking at and rolling their eyes as a healthy 40 year old who barely leaves the house, won’t go to restaurants, won’t socialize etc. But reality is I have a heart issue, you wouldn’t know it just by looking at me, and I don’t discuss it with friends except for two really close friends – one of whom has a cardiac issue herself and one who is extremely covid conscious due to an infant. I realize others think I’m weird but I don’t personally care about their opinions as much as my health. I will say though I don’t make a spectacle of myself – I’d rather not indoor dine than indoor dine while masking at the table when no one else is – like I’m not going to call attention to my issue, I’d rather forego seeing friends.

      1. This makes perfect sense to me, whether you have a condition or not. I have certain friends who are only willing to socialize outdoors, so I see them outdoors. I don’t see them in the dead of winter, and now that it is warming up I will see them again.

      2. This is me as well. I had a brain hemorrhage when I was 32. You wouldn’t look at my now 46-year old self and know that I am prone to stroke and that the clotting issues folks are seeing with Covid are a very real risk to me (just like you wouldn’t know by sight that you can have aspirin while I can’t). Similarly, you also wouldn’t know that my seemingly healthy-looking husband has Crohn’s and is on immune suppressants–only a few very close friends of his know this about him as he doesn’t want to discuss bathroom behavior with folks. The assumption that you will certainly know who is and isn’t vulnerable by sight–even among friends–is such an ableist (and increasingly reckless) view.

    10. I got pregnant at the beginning of 2020 and was extremely cautious through pregnancy and even after vaxxing. I had a couple of friends who knew I was pregnant (and then had an infant, have a toddler now) who were very dismissive of my level of caution or would try to insist I go do things outside of my comfort zone. I don’t see those friends much any more and I’m sure part of it is having a young child in a city where my husband and I don’t have any family (though both families kind of pooh poohed our caution level as well). I understand that I’m now seen as a bit of a stick in the mud and I’m okay with that. I’m disappointed that people I thought were my close friends would act so childishly because I wasn’t comfortable doing the same things they were.

    11. Probably but I also think friendships are fractured over all sorts of things these days. I feel like we are living in a time of disagreements over politics or Covid or whatever = we can’t be friends anymore. I hope it passes because I don’t to be friends with only people who think exactly like me and I think it’s good to have some basic assumptions challenged (gently and respectfully, of course) but I fear I’m in the minority.

      1. When I was growing up, political differences were about taxes. Now politics and COVID precautions are literally about the value of people’s lives. My MAGA relatives don’t believe that my life and my daughter’s life have any value because we are women, and they want to give schoolkids and their families COVID by forcing them to attend school without masks. If you believe my life is worthless, I’m not interested in having you challenge my basic assumptions.

        1. That’s a lot of assumptions. Last year, people who wanted to reopen schools were treated as if they wanted to murder the teachers (I guess by using their kids as vectors, never mind that that would subject kids and their families to that also). A lot of drama and hyperbole going around still. It’s helping no one.

          1. Welp, these people literally said “We all have had COVID and we are fine, so why don’t you just take off your masks and get it over with”? So, yeah, I am pretty sure they actively want us to get COVID. That’s not hyperbole. They said exactly that.

        2. Political differences were never just about taxes. Civil rights and segregation and abortion aren’t about taxes.

      2. There was even a story the other day that found that “very liberal” people are the most cautious about covid — much more so than the moderate liberals. (Meanwhile, “very conservative” were also cautious about covid -2-3x as much as other conservatives.)

        It’s like we’re all being pushed into our own bubbles even further.

        1. Although it’s good for the middle 50% to 1/3 of the spectrum who is willing to break bread together again. That is breaking the bubble a bit better than usual.

    12. I’m just wondering, is there any good data, now that masks have been dropped in a lot of the country, who is still getting COVID and how? And if those people were ever vaccinated or not (many of us who got shots probably have waning immunity now). Just curious for some data now that it seems like the temp on this thread is going up.

      1. But numbers and risk is incredibly low right now — you’re only seeing a few infections (like Obama). But BA.2 is coming and the focus right now is so heavy on lagging indicators (deaths, reported cases) that we won’t necessarily know when the risk is rising again. There’s even a 2-week delay with my local wastewater data.

      2. The situation is very good in most of the US right now, but BA2 is coming and numbers are rising in parts of the country that were leading indicators with BA1 (e.g., New York). I figure in my Midwest state, which was several weeks behind NY with the last Omicron surge, we have about 4-6 weeks before my family will pull back significantly on indoor activities.

    13. Agree. I am triple vaxed and back to my normal life. Life is dangerous. There are many diseases to catch pre and post covid. At a point you just need to live and what will be will be. If my friend is too much a a hypochondriac to meet me for a drink that ‘s on her.

      1. And I don’t want any of those diseases, thank you very much. Before COVID, I spent most of my life suffering from bronchitis and other bugs. Now that we are dining outdoors and wearing masks, my quality of life has drastically improved. I don’t know why everyone is so eager to go back to the way things were, since they were so bad. COVID should have been a wakeup call that pushed businesses and government to improve ventilation and other infection control measures.

        1. Yes… reading about how people have been trying to get a “Clean Air Movement” started for years before now, it is long past time.

        2. I was stuck at home with two tweens with closed schools who had situational depression, which was awful for them. So back at it for us.

          Ditto our older relatives who got to the point of “we don’t want to die before seeing you again.”

          1. It wouldn’t be bad for them or for anyone to have well ventilated classrooms… the danger is in going back to normal when “normal” made the world so vulnerable to respiratory contagion.

        3. LOL at the idea that everyone else in society needs to completely change their lifestyle and activities because you don’t like getting colds or bronchitis. You do realize how staggeringly self-centered that is, right? The world doesn’t revolve around you. If you aren’t clinically immunocompromised, try taking Emergen-C or Airborne before you go out in public. Clean up your diet and get more exercise. Get your vitamin D tested and supplements if necessary. An otherwise healthy adult with a decent diet and good lifestyle habits shouldn’t have such a weak immune system that they’re constantly sick with colds, or an average cold is incredibly debilitating to them.

          1. The idea isn’t that society needs to completely change; the idea is that indoor spaces need clean, well ventilated air. There have always been people healthy enough to get by before we had basic safety standards for food safety, water, pollution, but yeah we decided that industry had to change so that humankind as a whole could enjoy better quality of life. Why not do the same thing for the air we breathe indoors?

      2. A great attitude for PUBLIC health threats. So, unfortunately, this may come as a shock–it is not all about you and what you consider OK.

        We’re such a selfish, gross culture these days.

        1. It’s also not all about what a small subset of people considers to be psychologically comfortable for them. I have empathy for the people who are genuinely immunocompromised. People who are just anxious or scared, and are combing the news to come up with justifications for why their anxiety and fear is still warranted, don’t need Covid restrictions to continue. They need help for their mental health problems. Without addressing that, the world cannot and will not ever be “safe enough” for those people.

          1. Even if you exclude high BMI, something like 20-30% of the US has underlying health conditions. You don’t have to be extremely immunocompromised to have good reason to be more cautious than average.

          2. I’d prefer masks in public indoor settings over empathy, thanks. I got yelled at the other day for wearing a mask in Walgreens. I told the guy I have cancer—and he told me you can’t catch cancer. WTH, I wish I could say this was the first time I’ve been treated this way for wearing a mask. And I literally had to ask medical staff to mask while sitting in the chemo bay for my infusion mid-Omicron. My own surgeon didn’t wear a mask for a follow up two weeks after I left the hosp. I wish people could walk a mile in my shoes. It’s nice getting the message over and over that your life isn’t even worth a simple mask. (And yes, if someone is wearing a mask while eating indoors that is just plain stupid.) I’m tired of people playing roulette with my life because “freedom.”

  5. Thinking about romantic relationships and why I am so unsuccessful in them and wondering if those of us with anxious attachment style are doomed. Also have been an AP to someone married whom I met at work and who may or may not ever leave (some prefer misery and drama, I suppose). So many of us have posted about dating and apps and struggles. I guess I’m just feeling overall so exhausted by this process of wanting to be in a relationship, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me that I’m not, and not being something I can really control (both as we can’t control others and we can’t control chemistry). Add in covid precautions so less socializing and a career that is primarily female.

    Yikes.

    2. There’s a lot to dissect here. But what jumps out to me is if you want to have a serious relationship, you should not pursue married people. You can control that aspect and it has nothing to do with your attachment style. I can’t tell from your post whether you’re still in that situation or if it’s something in the past so I am throwing it out there.

      1. Yep. And work on building up your sense of self-worth so you aren’t taken in by their attentions.

    4. Something that strikes me in so many of these posts is that women settle for men of poor character. Like, why? Who cares if he’s into you? Are you into him? People are so concerned with compatibility in every form, yet they forget to actually ask themselves if their partner is a fundamentally good person. It boggles my mind.

      And yeah, stay away from married men, sheesh, that shouldn’t need to be said.

      1. I blame traditional straight culture for teaching girls, from day one, that the most important thing they need to do in life is get and keep a man. Whether he is a decent person is like an afterthought. And so many complaints get dismissed because there’s a fear that if women have standards, there won’t be any men who measure up.

        My stepdaughter (15) has a boyfriend and we are making it the smallest deal possible to try to avoid reproducing the socialization we got.

        1. This. The amount of garbage I see my married friends put up with is astounding (fairly traditional southern city with strong sense of gender roles), yet they think I’m the odd one for being happily single. Of course I’d rather be single than married to what they put up with.

        2. 100% agree. I was taught that my needs didn’t matter, his character didn’t matter, all that mattered was male attention – by my own parents. It was quite destructive.

    5. You’re not doomed! Don’t write yourself off. But, gently, it seems like some therapy might be in order if you haven’t done that yet. You deserve someone to help you work through this. That someone should be exclusively in your corner.

      How are you on your own? Do you enjoy your own company? Do you have hobbies or activities that are just because you enjoy them and not because you might meet someone? What is it about a relationship that makes you want one? Is it intimacy? Is it so you can be off this dating rollercoaster? I’m channeling Carolyn Hax here, but I think her advice with these situations is typically to get right with yourself and to make your life full and of value to you as it is, so that if a partner doesn’t enter the picture, or does and doesn’t stick around, you have a well of self-worth to buoy you.

      Do you compromise in relationships because being in one makes you feel of value? i.e. Was being an AP due to low self-esteem? It can feel momentarily really amazing to pursued by someone who is unavailable to everyone else, but objectively it hurts in the long run. I’m not asking that snarkily–I saw that with my mom, who was always seeking approval and relationships and I can draw a direct line from some awful things that happened to her as a kid to that pattern as an adult. She didn’t see her own value and made decisions accordingly. I say this without judgment, but with a lot of compassion. When she died recently, one of the hardest things was knowing how little she respected herself and how she always measured her worth based whether there was a man next to her. I wouldn’t want that for you, Internet Stranger. Forgive me if I’m projecting.

      In summary: no, not doomed. But please root for yourself before you root for a relationship.

      1. This is the right answer, and was written with compassion unlike many other ones further up.

        OP, I have a sister who is basically you. Anxious attachment, ignored and emotionally abused by her dad/my step-father (we both were, I met him when I was 10 and already had some self-worth reserves, she suffered him from the cradle; I got out, she did not…) Being madly in love with married men or otherwise jerks is her way of attaching herself to emotionally unavailable men.

        Therapy is the answer. It can be hurting to hear from strangers that you clearly don’t value yourself, but I am guessing you know it, that’s why you wrote. And I promise you there are people who value you for yourself, like my sister, but until you do the emotional work on yourself you won’t be available or open to them.

        1. To clarify – I am saying my sister is basically you in her attachment style and relationship anxiety and dating married men and voicing the feelings you voiced, not in her past of suffering emotional abuse from her father, I offered that by way of explanation for her behaviour, not making guesses at your motivation.

          I guess all the comments “just dont date married men” provoked me a bit – of course this is easy for me and many of the posters, believe me people, for some women its not easy and they need professional help, not a preaching or scolding.

    8. Engaging in an affair with a married man (I assume knowingly?) signals to me you may have some self-worth issues. If you don’t value yourself, you’ll never convince anyone else of your value. So work on that. Hopefully with a therapist. But also cultivate an interesting, meaningful, rich life that’s satisfying to you whether or not you ever find a partner. A good first step would be to resolve that never again will you settle for being a side-piece distraction for someone who’s never going to put you first. Because leaving yourself open to that makes you very vulnerable to people who will exploit your vulnerabilities.

  6. Need a gut check from the hive. Here is what happened:

    Been dating a new guy ~10 weeks. 3 weeks ago, we were making out on his sofa. My DL and primary credit card were in my pocket, and slipped out. Rushing to leave for work later, I quickly found the DL between 2 sofa cushions. Not the cc. BF said he would look for it.

    Fast forward to last weekend: I show up at his house. Before we go out, I ask him if I can look in his sofa once more for my cc. It is my primary card, I am super bummed about the prospect of getting a new card, switching out all my auto billing, etc. He says ‘sure I looked twice but go ahead’ as he goes upstairs to the bathroom. It took me <5 minutes to find the card right in the expected spot (between the two main sections).

    When he came downstairs, I flashed the card and told him that I was leaving. He was shocked ("are you serious?!"). I explained to him that, for me, this was the last straw in what I perceived as consistent low effort from him towards me. We have known each other for years, so I asked him if there was ANY doubt in his mind that if it was HIS card in MY sofa, that I would have found and over-nighted the card to him. His silence was enough of an answer.

    Was I being unreasonable? I am just so shocked myself that a former Marine could not find a credit card between two sofa sections. Also shocked that a man with multiple graduate degrees could not appreciate at all why this would be a big deal to me. Either you don't care or you are incompetent…and a bad partner. Right??

    I really liked him a lot, and he claimed to really like me. But to not have my back on such a basic thing, I just can't understand it.

    1. I honestly feel like I’d have to date women if I wanted to be with someone who could find something staring at them right in the face. Nine times out of ten the thing is exactly where I said it would be, and even visible when I show up to “help look for it.”

      2. A 100 years ago when Rosanne Barr was a fledgling comedienne, she did a bit about how the uterus is actually a tracking device. Which explains a lot since I can’t find a %^&* thing now that I’m menopausal.

      3. + 1. My bf misplaces things all the time, and honestly just doesn’t see them when he looks for them. I can see this happening with us, but it would be because he honestly didn’t see it not that he didn’t look. I have learned to accept this about him, not feel it’s my responsibility to find things for him, and to appreciate the only things he does for me.

        On its own, this seems like an overreaction to me. But I suspect that there are many other instances in which you feel he was not considerate or taking any extra effort for you, in which case I can see this being the last straw.

      4. Anytime my husband “can’t find something” I ask if he looked with his regular eyes or his man eyes, and suggest he try out his regular eyes, since man eyes don’t seem to work.

        1. Omg lol. I’ll remember this next time my husband can’t find something staring him in the face!

    2. This one incident on it’s own maybe isn’t enough, but like you said, if it’s consistent with low effort and care shown by him I could understand it being the straw the breaks the camel’s back. Sometimes lots of small things add up to one big issue.

      1. +1. And good on your for recognizing a troubling pattern. If someone is low-effort during the early days of dating, it’s not going to get better.

        1. Where are we getting a “pattern” from this story?!

          First off, if it was so obviously there, OP would have found it the first time she looked. Second, what happened in the next two weeks? Did you not come over? Did you ask him to look and explain how this was important and not just any CC? Lots missing here.

          I am not saying it couldn’t have been a sign but based on just the above I think you overreacted and good luck in relationships if everything is treated as this loaded without additional reasons. You went from “found it”to “aim breaking up with you” – if someone did that to me, I would assume they were crazy and I dodged a bullet.

          -signed ‘I once lost a credit card under a car seat, which I knew, and yet it took me 3 months to find it and when I did I couldn’t figure out how I couldn’t see it earlier’

    3. You’re entitled to have your own dealbreakers, but I think you wildly overreacted. I once spent like four hours trying to find something I’d lost and my husband found it in five minutes. Sometimes how long it takes you to find something is just luck, so I would not at all assume he didn’t look for it. I guess I can understand the frustration that he wasn’t more empathetic, but losing a credit card is not *that* big a deal on the scale of life annoyances.

      1. +1

        You can have whatever dealbreakers you want but this feels like an overreaction to me

        1. …and you expected him to overnight you the card? That part I find really hard to relate to.
          But he isn’t entitled to this relationship, regardless of the cc.

      2. Especially if it took you 5 minutes to find it. That is a long time to look in a couch.

    4. My spouse, a former Army officer and diplomat, once called the sheriff because he couldn’t find the car and thought someone stole it.

      It was on a different level.

      Not to say you are right or wrong–if you aren’t into him for whatever reason, you don’t need to defend it. It’s just that if “finding things” were a necessary trait, I echo the others: time to date women.

    5. You dumped him because he couldn’t find something small in a couch? And he actually put in the effort to look twice for something that YOU dropped? Seems really unreasonable to me. But I currently can’t find my wedding band, despite my degrees so you would divorce me.

      If I were him, I would have been silent at your question because I would have been shocked that someone thought this way, and I would have been relieved if you broke up with me. And I would tell this story for years (“Let me tell you about the time I dodged a bullet! She seemed so normal!”)

      1. I think the subtext here is that he didn’t really look twice but maybe I’m misreading.

        Also OMG solidarity because I cannot, at this exact moment, put my hands on my engagement ring.

        1. See, I dated a toxic and insecure person once who would have said that my inability to find jewelry he gave me, or to lose it in the first place, or whatever, was a sign that I didn’t really care about him or us, so my subtext to op’s question is very different. Hope you both find your rings ladies!

          1. Right? That is what my former husband would have said FOR SURE! I had a post-relationship-stress-disorder knot in my stomach all day yesterday and fessed up the minute I got home, just for the joy of having my sweet husband immediately pitch in and help me look with sympathy but no judgment.

      2. Hahaha yes +1000 to all of this, down to not currently knowing where my wedding ring is (um, oops?).

        It’s comments like this that make me not surprised that half the commenters seem to be perpetually single and sad about it. There’s not wanting to settle for someone you don’t love, and then there’s holding people to impossible standards.

      3. Your response made me think, so thanks. I suppose for me, the difference is (1) I didn’t lose something small just anywhere in his house; it fell out in a very specific spot, and (2) the fact that he didn’t “find” it means to me that he didn’t look.

        Maybe he did dodge a bullet. I think I did too, not necessarily because of this but because of his low effort and lack of consideration towards me. I just didn’t feel that I was being treated like I mattered…I am in my 40s and have never felt this way before about a prior boyfriend FWIW. The men I date try to show me they value me, in their own way(s). He didn’t, at all, and this was just the last instance.

        1. Yeah, if you think he didn’t look and lied about it, then that’s a big red flag and you were right to pull the plug and if he ends up with a Crazy Ex Girlfriend story, so be it. Hugs to you!

          1. BTW my former husband would totally do that — tell me he looked when he couldn’t be bothered.

        2. I think your (2) is the unreasonable assumption, and you extrapolated from that. People look for things without finding them, not necessarily because they didn’t try.

        3. it sounds like there was a pattern of behavior, beyond this incident. You deserve to be treated well!

        4. You didn’t find it either! You looked and did not find it. Why didn’t you look harder the first time huh?! Are you always this rigid and judgmental?

          1. Some people end up single in their 40s because it is impossible for them to find anyone who could live up to their rigid and frankly, somewhat warped expectations of other human beings and how they should behave. I have a male friend who is 52 and single for this reason.

    6. If I were single again this would be a deal breaker for me too. I’d rather be alone than with a man child. Basic looking for things is such a low bar, yet most men can’t even meet it.

      1. IDK — some of us are truly gifted in the finding things department. My GIRL children are not. Don’t have any boys, but if it’s located on the X chromosome, it must be recessive.

        1. I’m pretty sure my adhd makes it hard for me to find things. I often don’t see things that are in front of my face.

    7. this seems like an example of “divorced because I didn’t wash the dishes” or whatever that essay is. If there’s a pattern of low effort and this example just sealed it for you, fine.

      Taken on its own, there’s a reason “wherever you left it” is a answer I’ve been known to give to some questions from my husband.

    8. I think you wildly overreacted. You were the one who dropped the credit card, so you may have known better than him where the “expected place” was. Yes, it’s a stereotypically (American?) male behavior to not be able to find stuff, but neither was it his responsibility to find your credit card that you dropped. He was being nice by looking!

      If the roles were reversed, and somebody here said her new bf stormed out because she couldn’t locate a credit card that he dropped in her couch, people would be yelling DTMFA.

      1. This is one of those situations where the double standards that exist here for male and female behavior are flabbergasting. Even if OP has a case about some kind of pattern of neglect/not caring, the way to discuss those issues is not to throw a toddler-style tantrum and storm out of someone’s house! That should be a conversation at another time about that issue. Basic adult problem solving skills don’t just apply at work, but are applicable in relationships also!

        1. I agree. Maybe she was fully justified in ending the relationship, but flipping out and storming out of someone’s house is incredibly immature behavior for a 40 year old.

    9. My husband went to the grocery store three times last week and got the wrong peanut butter every single time, and he had the empty jar for reference. TL;DR you should consider switching teams.

      1. I truly don’t understand this. I believe you that he’s lovely otherwise or else wouldn’t be your husband. But seriously how does it happen when you just have to match a picture? Are there processing disorders or similar that cause people to not be able to do this?

        1. He has ragingly bad ADHD (think Ty Pennington levels) and is also colorblind. His mistakes were a combo of reading only a few words and not finishing the entire label (out of boredom or frustration), plus confusing yellow text for green text.

          Loving him tries my patience like nothing else, but it’s also opened my eyes to how extensively the world is set up to use red and green for EVERYTHING. I’m in UX, and he has made me excel at my job.

          1. Ahhh ok. This would test my patience but is generally understandable (especially bc it sounds like he went back and fixed his own mistake). Thanks for answering— I thought there had to be an explanation beyond basic inability to function as a grownup.

            The added context from OP definitely makes her situation more in the “unable to function as a grown up” situation and I would not abide that.

    10. Are you the same poster who thought her marine boyfriend was too old to be totally incompetent around the house? just curious. i think if you’ve had hesitations for a while it’s probably for the best…

      1. LOL! Yep, that was me. Not really about the credit card, more about the fact that a partnership with him would have me doing 100% of the home management including all cooking and cleaning (3x worse after you add a total slob for a roommate). Also it was me planning and paying for most dates, giving him unreciprocated gifts, doing most emotional labor, etc. The longer we “dated” the more I was like “what exactly are you for?”

        For years he told me that he and his ex-wife parted over religious differences. More recently, he has made comments that indicate something more happened. I think she was just fed up, and can now understand why. She must have done everything for him.

        2. Oh this is totally different. I said above that you overreacted to this, but with this added background you were 100% right to dump him.

        3. WOW this context is super influential. Yeah, you’re better off without this low-effort manchild.

        4. Uh yeah, you are much better off without this guy. Very different than dumping someone because they didn’t find something that you lost.

          Also, why are you paying for AND planning dates AND giving unreciprocated gifts? That’s a lot.

        6. ‘religious differences’ might indeed point to ‘I saw the woman I’m dating as a housewife to serve me and not an equal partner’

    11. Wait. You’ve been dating 10 weeks but known each other for years? How much of this is about pre-dating era issues?

    12. Totally on your side. The people saying you overreacted have clearly never been involved with man children.

    13. You way overreacted and I think you need to step back and do some work on yourself before getting into another relationship any time soon. Grown, functional adults don’t react to less-than- ideal situations by throwing tantrums, just FYI. And that’s exactly what you did at his house. I wouldn’t be returning phone calls from you either.

    14. I literally point exactly to where a thing is and my male partner looks in a direction about 45 degrees off. Honestly wonder if it’s patriarchy – like some subconscious internal voice that says ‘she doesn’t know where it is, I’ll find it’ or a biological difference.

    15. I remember reading once, somewhere, that men are better than women at seeing things that move–hence love of video games–and women are better at seeing things that are still. Maybe this applies? but doesn’t matter, if he is a man child, time to chuck him.

    16. I’m guessing there is more to this than just the CC. I know if it was my husband, if he couldn’t find it, he’d be on the phone with me while he continued looking for it.

      If doesn’t sound like he’s a keeper.

  7. Purposefully asking this as a broad question but if you had the opportunity to leave the practice of law for a business job, would you do it? The job is NOT JD preferred – so not something like compliance, HR, employee relations etc. It is a legit strategy role for which you’d normally have a business/finance degree or MBA type background. Obviously the people who LOVE LOVE LOVE litigation and court time would say no way. But if you’re someone who is just ok with litigation and got this opportunity due to some networking and certifications along the way, would you take a chance? FWIW I’m done with the biglaw stage of my life and not going back there so the concern isn’t so much what those hyper-traditional firms would say about it if it didn’t work out/I went back. I guess the concern is would I have ANY road left in law if I needed/wanted it. Thoughts? Pros/cons?

    1. I left law for something unrelated. It’s been mostly good. Some days I feel guilty about the fact that I don’t use my degree or have a “prestigious” job (but the latter would apply to many law jobs too), but for the most part I love my life. I WFH 9-5 (at most) in a job with reasonably interesting work and nice colleagues. My pay isn’t great, but it’s plenty, especially considering I paid off my law school debt while still in Big Law and have a husband who earns more than I do. I have great benefits, including tons of vacation time, and I take all of it.

    2. I love litigation, but I would take an opportunity like this just to mix things up. I know someone people who have moved over to the business side, and they all preferred it to practicing law.

    4. I think for me it would depend on where I was in my career and whether I felt like I was done being a lawyer. I think it would be difficult to transition back.

    5. Tons of people do this, see, e.g., everyone with a JD who becomes a legal recruiter. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me per se – the question is, are you ok with leaving the practice of law? I personally wouldn’t because I like being a lawyer and am content in my job. But if you don’t want to keep being a lawyer, you don’t have to.

  8. Why is it so hard to let go of a relationship that logically isn’t right? I am almost a year into something that every friend is clear isn’t right for me (whether he just needs to grow up and time will fix things or whether he’ll never grow up and it’ll never fully fit is unknown). I was single for 7+ years before this. I know this is breadcrumbs or pieces of bread rather than the whole loaf, but the idea of something is better than nothing still feels like I shouldn’t let go. How do I convince myself to let this go when I truly don’t want to and it breaks my heart to think about no morning or pre-bed love messages?

    I keep thinking it will fade organically or I’ll leave it when I meet someone who is a better fit, but I’m continuing to invest and I’m likely not as open to finding someone new because this person is in my world.

    Any advice? (I’m about 40 if it matters)

    1. Sometimes we are people who get lonely and just want a person as an activity partner (and maybe more). In a retirement home, you’d be happy with that — limited pool, gender ratios are all messed up, hey – at least he can still drive at night. But maybe before that, when the goal is more than someone to go to the matinee with you, don’t just settle for what is there. Something better may be around the corner (and don’t forget the country music song title — it’s so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here”).

      1. This to infinity. I literally wasted my whole 40s (and half of my 50s) with Mr. Better Than Being Alone and OMG. Don’t be me. (Fun fact: Turns out being alone is significantly better than Mr. Better Than Being Alone.)

      2. This. Imagine limping along in this relationship into your retirement years. Then one day, you wake up and realized you’ve wasted 30, 40, 50 years with the wrong person.

    3. It sounds like you really want a partner, and know this isn’t it. Personally, I don’t buy the idea that something/anything is better than nothing. And I am a veteran of some long and lonely years, so I’m not just saying that. “Nothing,” when it comes to men, can include a great peace and sense of expansiveness, unless and until someone worthwhile shows up.

      Particularly if the issue is that he needs to “grow up,” this is a really unworthy use of your time and energy. You even say “I’m continuing to invest and I’m likely not as open to finding someone new because this person is in my world.”

    4. I am in the exact same place, though my partner has now left after 2.5 years and I can barely stand it. The scraps were good. He was my favorite person and my best friend and I am completely heartbroken even though our relationship never quite “took.” I have tried dating but I haven’t found interest in anyone else. I wish I had advice, because maybe then I could help myself, too.

    5. I think there are many reasons, including the sunk cost fallacy. I think this is a very real problem for a lot of people. But I just want to say that hoping you’ll meet someone better while you’re in this relationship almost never works out. I have a lot of friends who have that mindset and it only works once if you are 25 and under dont have to actually make an effort to meet people to date. I honestly think it’s fine to say this imperfect relationship works for me (you say your friends don’t think so, but what do *you* think??) but don’t keep doing this thinking you’ll just be open to looking at others because you’re just going to lose time.

    6. I had an intense short-term relationship with someone who I had excellent physical chemistry with but was not going to be good for me long term. I broke it off because I knew that settling for someone who was fun for now was going to keep me from finding a true partner. It was very painful and I was 48 at the time. After that I threw myself into dating, went out with a number of guys and found a much better partner. Keep looking.

  9. Whyyyyy does my teenager feel it necessary to text me throughout the day, yet refuse to talk to me while she is at home?

    1. I don’t know. But if they’re anything like the teenagers who are currently growling and stomping around my house, I’d take the texting because it’s usually nicer than the few times they do talk.

    3. Hi, I was a teenager in the last ten years and it can feel a lot easier to initiate conversation (a) by text or (b) at the beginning of the day when I’m fresh. Perhaps that’s your daughter, too?

    4. I once read that children have an easier time talking to their parents in the car because you don’t make eye contact. I assume the texting is just an extension of that principle.

      1. This is why I try to go on walks with mine one-on-one (and the dog). Looking ahead vs looking at.

        1. Mine is 35 and we still have our best interactions when we’re taking walks together.

  10. Thoughts on neediness in partners? My boyfriend will text me throughout the day and if I don’t respond within a couple of hours follow up with something along the lines of “Sweetheart! Where are you?” or “Where is my favorite girl?” etc etc.

    Usually it seems cute/harmless, but last night we were texting goodnight after he got home from a flight, and he typed “It would have been nice if you texted to see if I reached home safely, just saying.” I’d texted him to tell me when he’d landed / was in communication with him all night, so it seemed a bit unnecessary to me and weird that he’d fixate on that. It made me a bit of anxious and I kind of went off at him about it. Does it seem like I overreacted?

    2. OMG that is how I talk to my dog. I would never let a man talk to me that way.

    3. Too much. Not because it’s inherently wrong so much as he clearly isn’t able to pick up your cues and that’s a problem in any relationship. Maybe give him one more chance to adjust by explaining clearly that this is too much and then call it off if he doesn’t.

      1. This for sure. I am the higher-texting-needs person in my relationship and guess what? Once I realized that I just got over it. Your guy needs to get over it, too, or find somebody who is a better match.

    4. I would hate his behavior, and it has a feel of being controlling to me. So, no I don’t think you overreacted.

      1. Agreed. I have been in this situation. It seemed harmless at first, like, why did you not text me back sooner? What were you doing? Who were you with? It just gets worse. Mine led to full on stalking with tracking my phone and listening to my private conversations.

    6. This would kill me. My mother is like this tbh, and I’ve realized its a difference in styles. She and my dad absolutely do text like this and I’m pretty sure she’s said the “home safely” line word for word.
      I prefer to text to plan meet ups in person, or if there is something specifically funny/cute/poignant/related to our in person conversations that you want to share.
      My therapist, a 60+ year old man, said that he thinks clinginess in younger men is a sign of immaturity, so that was validating.

    7. I actually gagged when I read those example texts. Everyone has their own preferences, but that would be a really really big turnoff for me, completely separate from any issues with neediness. My husband and I actually check in with each other pretty frequently (or used to- now we both WFH and are together all the time), but he doesn’t bug me if he knows I’m at work or otherwise busy and he never does it in that gross, condescending tone.

    9. I cringed just reading your examples FWIW – there’s a line between wanting to feel “cared for” and being demanding-controlling, and this guy is in group #2.

    10. That would drive me crazy. You did not overreact, and if he doesn’t course correct it’s one of those things that seems silly and small on the surface but could slowly overwhelm and poison all your interactions with him. Ask him to stop and if he doesn’t take it seriously then he’s not interested in how you feel.

    11. My MIL does this to her husband and kids. It’s the absolute worst and has brought me to the brink of divorce on occasion when my husband falls for the guilt. Run far away!

    12. Reframe this from “needy” to “controlling.” He is requiring you to be constantly monitoring your phone and responsive to him, i.e., putting his needs above whatever else you might be doing. It is not okay, it is not cute, it is not sweet. You definitely didn’t overreact, and he needs to stop.

  11. does anyone else have periods of hyperfocus followed by extreme exhaustion? how do you manage that?

        1. I can work hard and be effective for about two days and then I crash for the rest of the week. I suppose it’s not hyperfocus because I don’t often have the opportunity to work on a single task for days at a time, though. What wears me out is dealing with multiple demands all in a row–meetings, substantive work, family, etc. And the article’s suggestion of having another project lined up seems ridiculous to me–the whole point is that I’m exhausted and can’t start another project! I need to sit in a quiet room with a book and no people to decompress.

          1. I have this same problem and no idea how to fix it. I’m overstimulated and tired.

  12. Has anyone purchased and liked Sketchers Arch Fit sneakers/shoes? I need good arch support, and a supportive (not too squishy) sole on a shoe/sneaker. The arch support appeals to me, but I’m so tired or buying and returning…thought I’d get some advice first. Thanks!

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