Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Favorite Pant

491 Comments

1. Please hit me up with your recs for no-show socks that actually stay in place. My sweaty feet thank you.

   1. In order for them to stay in place on my feet they MUST have tabs in the back, otherwise they roll down under my foot-arrgh.
      I also size up so they can go in the dryer.
      Brands that have worked for me:
      Feetures – pricey
      Smartwool – pricey
      Champion – off of amazon
      Under armor – off of amazon

      1. +1 to Feetures

      2. Another vote for feetures

   2. I like Bombas!

      1. Me, too. They’re great and don’t slide down and clump under my feet!

   3. For my no-shows to stay in place, I need them to have tabs in the back and a stretchy, contoured foot area. I like Feetures the most. If you order from their website, you can get packs of 6+pairs for far less per pair than you’d pay at a store.

   4. O do and lululemon. No other brand works, Bombas is the worst.

      1. Sorry Ondo (it autocorrected)

         1. I vote for Ondo as well.

   5. none. I have tried like 12 kinds, all “this worked for me and they NEVER work for me!” glowing reviews. I think it’s my back-of-foot shape. I just wear light gray ankle socks that are slightly visible around the top of the sneaker and move on.

      For dress shoes at work, I wear knee high nude-for-me hose.

      1. What brand of hose do you wear? The ones I have tried are too tight around my lower leg for all day wear.

         1. the ones that are sold 10 to a box at the drugstore!

   6. Lululemon.

   7. The only thing that truly worked is lacing my sneakers with the heel lock technique at the top. I have a narrow heel and everything slipped off, even quarter height socks would slip under my shoe over time.

   8. Its going to vary from person to person due to foot shape, shoe choice, and activity. I can wear literally any sock (so I buy in bulk from Costco) without problems, but I have fancy socks that I prefer for running. In the summer the only time I swear socks (or closed toe shoes) is working out. In the winter I can wear any sock with boots without a problem.

      1. Agree. i have one pair of lululemon that i bought to round out a gift certificate purchase and i love them. i think part of why they work is they are actually cut differently for each foot. That said i only have one pair because i’m cheap. but yes, overall, the other ones don’t stay on.

2. I’m an elder millennial. We grew up wearing big pants and tiny tops before the fashion pendulum swung toward skinny jeans. Now it’s back at big pants, and that’s fine with me. I’ll pass on the crop tops, though.

   1. As a pear I much prefer the loose pants and tight it cropped tops

   2. As an elder millenial/young Gen-X cusper I’m fine with bigger pants but my perimenopause belly says no thank you to crop tops. Wider tops that either float over my midsection or that ‘skim’ and are tucked in are great though. The Jcrew linen tee shirts are fantastic for this, or short sleeve sweaters that are a bit looser (Boden & Eileen Fisher are recent favorites).

      1. This is where I land. In fact I am wearing wide-leg jeans and a loose short-sleeved top today, tucked in the front.

   3. I am a Xennial, have the stomach for crop tops but… I’m tall and I’m in my 40s. I didn’t think it would be a challenge to find cute tops that cover my midriff.

      1. Made the GenX cut off by 1 year. I’m crop curious, but honestly where would I wear them? To work? To the playground with my kids? I’m not in that phase of life now…

         1. That’s exactly my problem! My life isn’t a crop top life, even if I (born in 1981 and a mom) am lucky enough to still have a crop top waist.

         2. Anywhere except work! I wear one to eat out, to the grocery store, to run errands.

         3. For whatever it’s worth, I just got off a week long trip with my new senior director who wore crop tops every day of the week. The skin was minimal but visible. She clearly made an impression as people are talking about it. As a 40’s pear lucky enough to even still have ab definition after two kids, I’d never feel comfortable with an exposed belly at work. I don’t need to look more vulnerable.

   4. Yep, Xennial here who grew up in big Jnco jeans / flares and shrunken baby tees.

      1. Jnco jeans, Mudd flares, and baby tees were my high school uniform. With a few pleated skirts/baby doll dresses (think Empire records) thrown in as I got older.

   5. I believe I’m an elder millennial, born in the mid 80’s. Skinny jeans are fine with boots in the winter but I don’t want jeans sticking to me in 90 degrees. I do have the stomach for cropped tops and will continue wearing them as long as I can.

   6. Same here. What I like right now is the wide pants are also high waisted which covers the midriff on a shorter top. I did not love the low rider thong look from back in the day. I know I wore in back then but now as a mom I am horrified by the thought. I hope there aren’t photos of me from back then!! #neverrunningforpublicoffice

3. (cross posting w/ the moms site) What beauty appointments do you do on a regular schedule that make your life easier/better?  Also what do you prefer to do yourself, and what do you like to outsource beauty-wise?  I’ve just always waited until I felt like it was “time” for a haircut/mani/pedi and then had to deal with weird appointment times, non-ideal providers, and often a childcare scramble. I’m trying to be more proactive in my approach.  

   So far, I’m planning to schedule with a recurring appointment:
   -monthly brow and lash tint
   -quarterly haircuts (booking out a year’s worth of haircuts maybe?) 

   debating adding:
   -every other month lash lift 
   -monthly lower leg wax
   -monthly or every six weeks no-polish mani/pedi (just not a polish fan)
   -monthly massage (my dream! but might need to drop the mani/pedi then for budget reasons) 

   not for me:
   -facials (happy with the results from regular tretinoin use!) 
   -eyebrow shaping/waxing/threading (sadly just not enough to work with there) 
   -hair coloring (but will start when the grays come in the next couple years) 

   1. My hair is my only regularly scheduled visit – color every 7-8 weeks, and every other visit is a cut.
      I don’t polish my nails so I buff/cut/shape them at home. Pedicures are every 7-8 weeks and I just pop in when I have time.
      Massages are every month – I make the next appointment when I leave the salon.
      I tried lash lifts, not for me. The eyebrow tinting/shaping didn’t make a huge difference – I’ll do it before a big event but that’s maybe every quarter.

   2. Regular eyebrow waxing is essential otherwise the caterpillars take over

   3. I do exactly zero of these things. Am debating to stop cutting my own hair, but it’s just so convenient. I got myself a belated birthday massage recently but it didn’t really hit the spot for me – yoga is more my jam. Having to arrange that many extra appointments and budgeting for them would add to the stress in my life.

      1. Same. I get stressed out when too much “stuff” is on the calendar and I’d end up with appointments taking place that I really don’t need. I get my hair cut when it really needs it and a massage maybe once a year; I’d like to go more but haven’t found a place I really think js worth the cost in my new city.

      2. Me too. I just don’t care enough to want to spend so much time and money. I also don’t particularly enjoy strangers touching me and I’m scent sensitive, so all those places just make me sneeze and give me a headache. Better to avoid them!

      3. Same.

         I get my hair trimmed a few times per year, when convenient, at a cheap walk-in place on my drive home. Oh, I also buy a new mascara tube every 3 years or so in late November whether the current one is used up or not, since it’s usually getting dry and clumpy by then. That’s about it.

         1. Nooo you should replace your mascara every few months! Not for beauty reasons, for bacteria!

            1. Yeah, I know that’s what we should do. Since I only wear mascara maybe twice a year, though, there is no way on earth I am willing to dump that much money on mascara for a single wear. I only apply to a freshly-washed face, don’t poke the brush into my eyeball, don’t touch anything with it other than my lashes themselves, and don’t do anything like sneeze into the tube or use it if I have pinkeye. It’s been fine for the 30+ years I have been doing this, so I am not likely to change that habit.

      4. Same. I go to a Hair Cuttery or a Great Clips when my hair gets ‘too long’. The thought of having to schedule all of that makes me feel annoyed.

      5. +1 down to cutting my own hair because it’s convenient to cut my hair when I feel like I need a cut and not deal with scheduling, attending, and paying for an appointment. I think professional facials are worthwhile for my skin, never regularly and haven’t in about five years.

      6. Same. I don’t do any on that. I cut my own hair. I have a few white hairs. I will not be dying my hair ever. I think I look great.

   4. – Quarterly facial (roughly pre-Christmas, birthday, post-mother’s day, after dropping kids off on first day back to school)
      – hair colour every 6-8 weeks (2 hours)
      – express pedicure monthly in June/July/August
      – monthly massage with registered massage therapist (health insurance covers most of this)

      Book next hair appointment before I leave the last one, and same with massage.

   5. I go every 2 months and book my next haircut & color before I leave the salon. I’d love to go every 7 weeks instead, as the last 2 weeks I’m always feeling less than polished, but that is just too much time in the chair!

      I learned to do my own mani & pedi during Covid – now only go for a mani before vacations as the pros’ version lasts a few days longer than mine.

   6. I subscribe to the “high maintenance to be low maintenance”, but luckily I can DIY most. I don’t have kids, but work while going to grad school, so time and money are limited.

      The only thing I do regularly is haircuts + balayage, which I do about quarterly. I use the balayage to help cover grays (I’m maybe 10% gray) and for aesthetic reasons. Balayage is new to me, but I LOVE how it looks. I book my hair appointments as I leave my current appointment. In the summer I get a pedicure every 3-4 weeks but don’t schedule it (just pop in after work when I have time), in the winter I go every 6-8 weeks or so.

      Brows: I tweeze my own brows, but this is easy for me now since I have had years of getting them done – they’re mostly “in shape” on their own now. I don’t change my eyebrows with the trends, which helps. I don’t tint or dye, just use the e.l.f. brow gel.

      Nails: I do my own manicures 95% of the time (will splurge on a gel on occasion for a special occasion). I have my nails done all of the time – I use the Kur Londotown Nail Illuminator some weeks and “real” polish other weeks. I also touch up my toenail between pedicures if needed.

      Eyelashes: I do nothing here, just use mascara. I use a Tarte tubing mascara that I LOVE. I think I’d probably like to try lash extensions, but it’s not in the budget (financial or time!).

      Skincare: I’ll do an occasional facial as a treat, but I don’t get them regularly. I have an at-home skincare routine that works pretty well for me. My regular AM and PM routine is pretty simple (cleanse, hyraluonic acid, eye cream, SPF (AM only), moisturize), but I rotate through a few different treatments (snail mucin jelly mask, under eye masks, tret, chemical exfoliator). I don’t have a specific routine, just when I remember or feel like doing one.

      Massage: I used to do a monthly massage via Massage Envy, but since grad school I’ve dropped this for financial reasons. My gym does have massage chairs which I use and I have a few at home massage tools. If something is tight and those methods don’t work, then I’ll pay for a chair massage ($12 for 10 mins) at my nail place. I really hold onto stress in my muscles, I am under a lot of stress, and I do a lot of intense workouts so it’d be great to keep this up, but I’m paying for grad school out of pocket.

      Hair removal: I do have an at-home laser that I use when I remember. It’s definitely made my hair way less sparse, but I”ve not been consistent enough with it to actually have no hair so I still have to shave.

      I definitely look my best when I’m tan, but I havent tried the at home tanning drops or foams. I tan pretty well (even wearing SPF) in the summer. I might try the drops or something in the winter this year though.

      I also look my best when I’m eating well and working out consistently and getting a good night’s sleep which, with balancing work and school, is difficult but I try my best!

      Doing all of this lets me keep my hair and makeup routines pretty brief, both take about 5 minutes (and I don’t bother with doing my hair every day). I also wear a fair amount of jewelry which I almost never change or take off and have an up to date and streamlined (but still much bigger than capsule) wardrobe. So, I can get out the door in less than 15-20 minutes looking good (IMO), which is nice.

      1. Which Kur color do you like?

         1. I have the pink, which I like, but I think I’d try bare or bubble next time.

      2. I also look better tan and have been using self tanners off and on for years. I’ve recently decided to make it part of my beauty routine, that is to say to use them on a regular cadence. I’ve been doing a full on foam tan on the weekend, then keeping it touched up with gradual tanning drops mixed into my body lotion throughout the week. The foam tan is more time consuming, so I put it on, let it sit for about an hour while I read a book, and then shower it off. It’s kind of a nice relaxing weekend ritual.

         I find that everything else just looks and feels better when I have a little tan. Even bare nails look so much better on me when I’m a little tanned. When I’m pale I hate the way my hands look with bare nails. I’ve also recently gotten an amazing nail buffer that makes my nails so shiny they look like they have a clear polish. My nails grow like weeds so keeping up with manicures is a pain and I would always go through the cycle of my nails looking really good for a few days and really janky for several more days. Bare and buffed seems to be the way to go for me, at least for day to day. Special occasions I’ll still whip out the polish.

         1. What buffing tool?

            1. Search MiDenso nail buffer on Amazon. I won’t put the link to avoid mods.

   7. Haircuts and color are the only things I’m scheduling out. I highly recommend it, especially if you have a stylist you love.

      I do my own manis at home. Once in awhile I treat myself to a professional pedicure but it’s not a regular enough thing to schedule in advance.

      My eyebrow shape is basically what it is, so I tweeze the strays at home and leave them alone.

   8. Im one of those polished people and these are my main things. Hair cut and color every 10-12 weeks and I book my next one each time I finish up, that’s always been fine. Eyelash extensions before big events or travel, all loosely defined but works out to roughly every month to six weeks. I find them far more bang for the buck than a lash lift and it saves quite a bit of makeup time in the morning since I don’t need eye makeup with them. Mani-pedi every other week. Botox twice a year.

      1. Ps – the only thing I schedule in advance is hair, everything else is walk in or close in time appointments.

   9. This sounds incredibly time consuming, but if you’re good with keeping appointments, why not? I am awful and it would just be in a rescheduling nightmare.

      I suppose figure out what gives you the biggest bang for your buck-which is probably hair. Leg waxing usually happens when I see a need, then have to wait until the hair is grown out enough, but I can usually get an appointment within 48 hours. Is leg waxing worth it to you? The braun IPL hair zapper works pretty well if that fits more easily into your lifestyle.

      I guess with an appointment like nails, wouldn’t it make more sense to pop into a place when the schedule opens up instead of making it a part of a scheduled day? I can see it getting dropped in favor of almost anything else that’s pressing.

      1. The other issue with scheduled appointments is it can make you less spontaneous. I’ve known people who have turned down invitations to the lake house over the weekend because they had their six week hair appointment on Saturday. Personally, I think that scheduling anything that you want to do recurring for a weekday is a much better way to go because you only get 52 Saturdays a year and can never get that time back.

   10. Haircut and balayage every four months. Unfortunately I have some grays coming in so the balayage may become more frequent. Pedicures are whenever I’m too lazy to do it at myself, maybe four or five a year. I hate chipped polish on my toes so I keep up with it at home. Fingernails are usually bare in the summer, I’d rather be outside than indoors waiting for polish to dry. In winter I paint them at home. Maybe one day I’ll get no chip at a salon but I’m not ready to add that recurring expense yet. I got my bikini area lasered so no waxes for me, it was a great investment.

   11. Mom of two toddlers. I no longer do any beauty appointments except hair appointments. Impressed by those of you who work these things in!

   12. The only thing I do regularly is pedicures, every 2 or 3 weeks.

   13. I try to be fairly low maintenance. I book my next hair appointment before I leave the current one and usually go every 4 months. I do my own nails and eyebrows. Laser hair removal was amazing for me since I have very pale skin and dark hair. I used to have to shave every day and you could still see growth by the end of the day. I don’t get regular facials but think I should start getting them a few times a year.

   14. how old are you? if older than like 25, let the grays be. Also, get the lower leg lasered, it has been life changing. Quarterly botox, annual skin check, twice yearly dental cleaning

       1. Gray hair is very aging. I think it’s, therefore, very situation-dependent. It gets harder and harder to switch jobs as you age. I’m in marketing tech, and there is often pressure to make sure you’re up with the times. I often have to be on camera or speaking at events. I will take every edge I can to look more youthful, whether that’s through dress or hair color. If I were an accountant, I would probably not care about trying to look more youthful.

   15. I am regularly told I’m polished and put together. I’m 40 and I here is my list:
       -Regular manicures and pedicures year round (every 4-5 weeks; I get powder/dip on m fingers and gel on my toes so neither chip)
       -Regular Brazilian waxes every 4-5 weeks (I l buy a “wax pass” which means I bank a few free waves a year
       -Regular exercise (3-5 times/week)
       -Botox every quarter

       Yes it’s expensive and takes time. And I’m a single parent with 100% custody. But I don’t like to be unpolished (for me). And if I didn’t have the budget for these things, I’d stop.

   16. I used to try to be a woman who liked facials, but I don’t. I always feel like they make my rosacea worse and cause more broken capillaries. So I stopped those.

       I don’t have a lot of eyebrow hair so I’ve only had them shaped professionally a couple of times. It’s nothing I can’t do on my own, and I enjoy my tweezing time at night after I wash my face.

       I used to get gel nails done every two weeks or so. But the big eye-opener for me at the beginning of the pandemic was watching them grow out and realizing those final chips were so hard to get off it was no wonder my nails were paper thin by that point. When I touched the top of my nail, I could feel my nail bed as if there were no nail at all. so I have never gone back.

       My hairdresser raised her prices to the point where I couldn’t afford them anymore, and good for her, but she didn’t work for me anymore. So I asked a friend where she got her hair cut. Turns out she goes to a $30 cash only haircut place that I have been going to ever since, and I am perfectly happy with it. I probably only go every three months because, I’m not trying to keep a short cut shaped, and I cut my own side swept bangs.

       All in all, I now spend a lot less time and money on personal maintenance than I did before lockdowns, and I don’t miss spending that money at all. That said, I have a really good skin care routine now and I’m willing to spend money on that. (Even so, the only products worth bigger $$ are prescription.) it is paying off withmy skin looking better now than it really ever has. I don’t wear face makeup anymore and I used to feel like I absolutely needed it, even if just a tinted moisturizer.

       So…. great, consistent skincare and religious use of sunscreen (Asian), yes even if it doesn’t seem sunny, those have been the biggies for me.

   17. I get my hair colored every three weeks, and book two appointments ahead. Haircuts maybe every third time. I get mani-pedis as needed, say every 4-6 weeks in the warmer months and less in the cooler months. Dermatologist checkup annually, and I generally have some treatment in connection with that (Botox, fillers, laser, whatever is indicated).

       I only do massages on vacation but I love them in that context.

   18. OP, which tretinoin do you use? And what do you like about it? I am 36 and just started using retinol. I think I look better but can’t really tell.

       1. OTC retinol has to be converted to tretinoin by your body and that takes 6 ish months so you probably are not seeing results yet if you just started. Unless your skin is just enjoying the inert ingredients in the cream.

          Not OP but I get my tret from Curology and I’m really happy with it. Mine has Niacinimide & Azelaic acid in it, one of their standard mixtures, but I’ve asked them to notch up the tretinoin concentration over time & have stopped where I’m happy with it and don’t have irritation.

       2. Sorry for the late reply but I use prescription tret .5% from my derm. Worked my way up from OTC differin to .25% and now .5%. Of course it takes time, but I find it has done super well for me! I think most tret works the same but it just takes patience, like 6+ months of patience. I’d recommend checking out Dr. Sherenne Idriss or Dr. Sam Ellis on YouTube for good tret/retinol info!

   19. You should try lash extensions. Life changing. No more mascara. I ask for volume and not length with a bit of cat eye and the result is really natural looking but better as opposed to muppet (which is what I was afraid of). That will get you out of some of those appointments and with a better result to boot.

       For reference, I do my own hair color and nails but I prioritize eyelashes.

   20. Would you consider laser hair removal? It’s one less thing to think about.

       My hair secret is this- I just use a walk in place in the town next door. It’s $30. I used to have a great stylist but it was so difficult to book, plus all our small town small talk, appt took 4 hours for color and cut. I stopped highlighting and now just get these cheapie trims. I have never gotten more compliments on my hair!

   21. I get my hair colored every 3 weeks but that’s it. I get a pedicure about once a month but I don’t schedule in advance. I was doing monthly massages and quarterly facials but had to stop for budget reasons. That’s what I would get back to first.

4. My aunt is in assisted living (three states over from me) and has dementia. She took an outing bus to Walmart organized by her community and got left there for several hours until she was somehow able to call the front desk for them to come get her (a skill that is mostly beyond her capacity at this point – I’m astounded she managed it). I’m furious that they didn’t do a simple head count or verify that a resident with known memory issues was looked after on an accompanied visit. This is a private pay, expensive community (not that it would be justified in a Medicaid-funded facility, but just to forestall any objections about dramatic understaffing and minimum wage salaries). What are our next steps here? I’m upset and having trouble thinking straight. We employ a separate social worker who will be visiting tomorrow and I’ve asked her to help with fact-finding, but what else?

   1. call a lawyer. this is outrageous. google town and elder law and/or tort

      1. Lawyer is a waste of time for this. There are no damages.

      2. IANAL but tort? Don’t you need damages for that? Aunt ended up fine.

   2. In the very expensive ( 8k per month plus a big buy-in) private pay assisted living where I live it is still understaffed and underpaid. I know this because my son worked there.
      I would ask for the director of nursing or the executive director. An email is the way to go IMHO because telephone calls never happened.

      1. +1 this is outrageous but even in the pricey faculty they’re still understaffed and underpaid.

         1. +2

            Even in the best places, things happen all the time.

      2. Same but where my mom was was 21K a month. Still can’t find 3 shifts of the right people and keep them.

         1. This is because private equity firms are evil

            1. YES… This is a huge problem.
               Also, it is just expensive to do caregiving.
               We expect our daycare workers and health aids for the elderly to work for terrible wages, poor benefits.

               It is very expensive to take care of people well, and private equity pushing to maximize profits just makes a difficult situation worse.

   3. This is so scary! I’m so sorry this happened to your Aunt. I’m hoping the social worker can get your some answers.

      I’m new to navigating the Assisted Living world (and 1,000 miles away from my mother) but here are my general thoughts: 1) Have weekly status calls with the staff about your loved ones health/needs. I have a standing call with the Facility Director, Social Worker, OT, PT and Nurse. 2) Be vocal about your expectations of care and understand their protocols too. To do this without coming off as aggressive has been a challenge for me. I attribute that to me being in NJ and mother is in the south (different ways of communicating). 3) Get a few Tiles and put it in your Aunt’s things. If my mother goes on an out, she’s going to bring her purse/flip phone/walker. Tag whatever you can for extra piece of mind.

   4. Honestly, nothing. This kind of thing happens. You make too big a deal of it and they won’t let her go do stuff anymore. Speaking from experience here, btw.

      1. Agree. Unfortunate, but it happens.

      2. I don’t know, forgetting a person on an outing seems like a big f-ing deal to me. It’s Excursion 101 that the bus doesn’t leave until you’ve done a headcount and everyone is present. Tour operators and Girl Scout leaders have been doing this since forever and they’re not taking care of elderly patients with cognitive challenges. I don’t think you sue them (nothing bad happened, so what would the damages be?) but I’d definitely complain.

         1. You honestly risk a lot by doing that for your relative’s quality of life. How do you figure the OP even knows it happened? Odds are the facility reported it to them. My experience has been facility messes something up and lets you know. I’m not sure what you think complaining further will achieve?

            1. No, the facility hasn’t reported it. We know because we got a message from my aunt saying she thinks she got left at Walmart. We didn’t see it right away (time difference) and by the time we did, we could check her call logs and see that she had a conversation with the community and was picked up.

            2. I think the aunt probably shouldn’t be going on excursions anymore (at least not without a private one on one aide) so I don’t see the facility revoking those privileges as a big loss.

            3. +1 Anon at 10:28, it doesn’t sound like aunt should be put in this situation anymore. Probably time to consider moving her to a more advanced facility before something worse happens.

            4. At a minimum, you need to understand the facilities rules about trips to Wal-Mart etc. Assisted living only is not a lock down facility, nor is it a nursing home. It may be allowable for residents to take the bus there, go shopping other places in the area and take an uber home with the residents told be back here by [time] and the bus is leaving at [blank]. If that is the case, then your aunt needs to not go on those sorts of excursions.

            5. Yes, it sounds like aunt needs to step up to a dementia care unit.

      3. OP here and no – nothing is not an option. It gives me palpitations to think of my sweet aunt standing there confused and helpless for hours when a simple bus headcount would have prevented this. It’s not an unsolvable problem and who knows if this has happened to others too? I think this is something the community can and should put in the future but I’m struggling to think of how we can best make that happen.

         1. So, just be aware that the facility may decide it is time for your Aunt to go into lock down dementia care, most likely. No more outings unless accompanied by family member or you pay for a personal one on one aid to take them.

            I hear your frustration, and I would be the same. I also know the reality.

            1. This is horrifying. No one would respond this way if it were college students on a field trip.

         2. Frequent visitation and calls for updates about your aunt. So staff know her family cares.

            You’re end goal is for your aunt to receive a bit more care and attention from rotating staff. Not to be put into a locked unit, presumably?

            You’ll catch more flies with honey, or whatever that saying is.

      4. So the solution is to let them do it again and something happens to a resident? You’d be screaming at the OP for not complaining the first time it happened.

         1. Do you really think the facility is going to change anything?

            1. I’m surprised by these responses. I would absolutely complain to the nursing home administrator. There is zero extra cost to doing a headcount! Chances are the facility already knows of the lapse, and they may even be addressing it with staff training, but in my experience (2 years with a parent in dementia care), it is always better for the facility to know that you are aware of the lapse and involved. Patients without advocates get ignored/neglected. Also, see if your state has a nursing home ombudsman program. If you decide to escalate from the (licensed) nursing home administrator, that is another option. I agree the risk of your aunt not being allowed on future outings is real, however.

   5. I would be prepared for the facility to respond by telling you she is now too disabled for their community or this level, and she needs to go to one with more intensive and expensive supervision. Their “outing” might be just a shuttle bus, as opposed to a supervised field trip. Someone with dementia really should not be allowed to walk around unaccompanied, whether at Walmart, on a cruise ship, at a vacation destination or in an airport. The likelihood of their wandering off is just too high.

      1. +1 it sounds like she shouldn’t be going on these sorts of excursions

      2. She doesn’t have a history of wandering (although it’s a risk we monitor as her condition progresses) and has never attempted to leave or go anywhere she shouldn’t. She literally just got left behind by the community at the front of the store. Wandering is something that worries me for the future but it isn’t what happened here.

         1. This isn’t about what “really happened” or how the community “should” respond though – it is just a reality that if you complain, your aunt might get kicked out or might not be allowed on further outings. I know it sucks but it’s true – a lot of things about the US system of care for people with disabilities and older adults just aren’t how they “should” be and money makes it better but not good.

            But – things you can do are : get your aunt a personal tracker, print her a help-me card (with name/contact info/that she has dementia) to give someone, or a medical info bracelet, etc. If you can visit in person or call regularly, I do think that helps: the trick is walking the balance between making it known your aunt does have people who care about her, isn’t forgotten, but not looking like your “checking up on the facility” or might be the type to sue. Learn the names of her caregivers, treat them respectfully, and express appreciation.

            1. This, exactly.

      3. Yep, OP the facility has all the power, you complain and you’re asking for her care level to be elevated (to the tune of hundreds if not thousands more a month ) and for her to be completely locked in there with no outings. It sucks, it shouldn’t happen, but be very aware of what you’re doing before you do it.

   6. I’m sure it’s still understaffed and they’re still underpaid, not that it makes things any better or serves an excuse.

   7. If she has dementia to the point of needing assisted living, I’m not sure she should be in unsupervised trips. But if she stays at that level of care, definitely AirTags.

      1. She probably needs to be in memory care now, not assisted living (those are different levels at the facilities at least in my state). She won’t be able to do excursions with memory care, and it will cost a lot more.

   8. I’m sorry this happened. It’s beyond frustrating. I mean other than the obvious next action item that dear Aunt should probably not be going on outings anymore. But even then, I would be prepared accidents and mismanagement can happen from time to time. I have a In-Law with early on-set dementia. Last year he fell on something in his apartment and needed stitches. This memory care facility put him in an ambulance unaccompanied. They sent a human with a known impaired cognitive function to an ER alone with an open wound on his head. The facility called my MIL (who was out of town) expecting her or for her to find someone to come pick him up. It all ended well and my MIL response was to just not make a fuss. But this was very eye opening how many gaps there can be with memory care.

   9. Update – we just heard from the director of assisted living and I’m pleased with the steps that are being taken. There were two staff members involved who made mistakes (the front desk person who manages the supervised bus trips and the bus driver) and the former has been temporarily suspended. An incident report is being filed and procedures are being reviewed with both staff. The director says this never should have happened and that it won’t happen again.

      I personally feel more comfortable with my aunt only going to Walmart when her social worker is there to take her out – it’s a better margin of safety. However, she is not in a locked wing and we can’t stop her (and their rules do not prohibit her from attending), so I’m hopeful that their incident review will ensure that a simple headcount is never skipped. Other residents have issues as well and they need to be cared for.

      1. Although: there are huge gaps here. This should not be on the bills driver or the front desk person. It seems that there should be a third person with a job of knowing who is on the bus and ensuring that those people get back on it.

      2. True. Is the bus driver supposed to park the bus with people on it or make them wait outside, go into Walmart and physically find the resident (would he recognize her, would she know him and go with her, what if she’s in the opposite-sex bathrooms for upwards of 30 minutes). Who’s with the other residents who are overheating in the parking lot all this time?

   10. I would consider what you want out of a complaint or sit-down as an “endgame” and I’m not saying this in a sassy way or to dissuade you.
       I would write down what you said–you want stricter head counts and safety measures, you want a detailed itinerary if the group goes somewhere, and you want the home to implement a safety plan should something like this happen again. Also maybe provide your mom with one of those ID cards that says who she is and has key phone numbers or addresses on it and laminate it and put it on a lanyard (I can bet etsy sells some cute/pretty ones)

   11. My elderly neighbor has some form of dementia. No one actually said anything but I could sense it just by chatting with them for a couple of minutes here and there when they’re out on their daily walk. Last weekend I saw her walking down the street at a pretty good clip with only one shoe on. I stopped to chat with her, trying to buy time and think what to do next. Within a couple of minutes her husband pulled up in the car. He looked frantic. This is the first time she wandered off.

   12. That’s scary, I’m sorry that happened. Looks like it’s time for a memory care facility, which isn’t the same as assisted living. They’re harder to find and more expensive. Looks like your social worker can help identify a facility, and work on getting her transferred. So,e places have them in the same complex, just different staffing and they’re locked. Even with that, escapes happen.

       Also, because others have brought it up below, you’d be shocked at the low wages, working conditions, abuses and wage theft/violations that take place in higher end facilities. People that pay $25k a month don’t know that the people providing care mostly get paid under the table and earn minimum wage. My mom’s part time caregiver also works at a high end facility, and I’m shocked at his working conditions. But he’s better off than most because he’s on the books, so gets social security, workman’s comp, etc. It’s good to ask questions about working conditions because it really does impact care. For example, he got hurt on the job lifting a large patient because the facility didn’t want to invest in a Hoyer lift. The facility he works FT in also has memory care but it’s $35k/mo.

   13. Adding to my comment, which is awaiting moderation…. Also, I recommend an Apple Watch if you can get her to wear it regularly. You can monitor where she is and how she’s doing. The fire department recommended one for my mom after a fall because it automatically calls 911.

5. Anyone else get towards the end of a vacation and have this fantasy that when they get home they’ll be a better version of themselves?

   Dumb house cleaner questions specifically for you apartment dwellers who have a house cleaner:
   What to do or expect before a first visit by a cleaner?
   How much tidying do I need to actually do before hand?
   Do they come in and just do their thing or do I have to tell them what I want cleaned? Could I ask them to clean things on an ad hoc basis like the ceiling fan blades and inside of the fridge?
   Do I need to supply cleaning products for them?

   Cleaners are not something we had growning up and no one in our social circle had them. The ‘how to’ of this is unfamiliar to me. I can afford atleast a monthly visit and probably don’t need anything more frequently than that since I’m solo in a 1b 1b apartment.

   1. The answers to pretty much all these questions vary a lot. You’ll really have to ask the service or individual you’re contemplating hiring.

      We tidy up quite a bit before our cleaners come but our house is pretty messy normally. Ours does a regular set cleaning; we’d have to pay for a “deep cleaning” if we want things like the fridge or oven cleaned. We had to pay for a deep clean (at an hourly rate) the first time, then after that it’s a fixed rate for each cleaning, which I think is standard. You’ll probably pay more per cleaning if they only come monthly. They bring their own supplies.

   2. So much of this depends on the cleaner. Typically they’ll do an ‘intake’ visit and give you a quote and tell you what it includes. First visits are often deep cleans and more expensive. Every company/service is different – we provide supplies because I’m sensitive to scents/chemicals but that’s optional. You can always negotiate or ask for things to be added to be cleaned – our cleaners do the insides of our windows instead of washing sheets/stripping beds for example.
      My rule of thumb is that surfaces should be neat and only minimally cluttered. I’m not putting everything on my kitchen counter away but I only leave out the toaster/coffee pot/paper towel holder/utensil holder, not a pile of mail, stack of cords, breakfast dishes that then need to be washed/etc.

   3. What to do or expect before a first visit by a cleaner?
      -when you hire them, you talk about scope and pricing. A full initial deep clean, including things like fan blades and refrigerator shelves, will be more expensive than a standard clean. You will probably pay more per clean (though less overall) having a monthly clean as opposed to weekly or biweekly, both because of anticipated grime and because bulk pricing is a thing.

      How much tidying do I need to actually do before hand?
      -The more the better. The people are there to clean, not tidy, and so everything they don’t have to work around unnecessarily helps them be more efficient in your house.

      Do they come in and just do their thing or do I have to tell them what I want cleaned? Could I ask them to clean things on an ad hoc basis like the ceiling fan blades and inside of the fridge?
      -see question 1

      Do I need to supply cleaning products for them?
      -see question 1. Some cleaners bring supplies, others you buy their wish list and show them where it’s kept.

      I didn’t have cleaners as a kid either and I still don’t like being home when the cleaner is – I feel high-maintenance and prissy sitting there at my laptop while she scrubs the bathroom. We trust our cleaner and so she now has a key code to do her own thing, and we haven’t had any troubles with breakage or bad service over the years.

      1. oh, tipping – whether to do this per visit or annually depends on if you hire a service that sends different people each time (tip per visit) or it’s the same person (tip at holidays; the cost of a clean is the going rate for my area).

   4. By “tidy” you should put your crap away so they don’t have to move it or clean around it.

6. Looking for recommendations (and maybe referral codes) for biz casual work-appropriate clothing rental companies. My daughter was a student in Florida and will be starting a job in Wisconsin. Needless to say, her winter wardrobe is lacking and she generally needs business casual clothes. I looked at Nuuly, but wasn’t sure about that and was mostly put off by styling button up shirts with no pants (only one button done) and posting the picture in the “work appropriate” section. Any suggestions that would fit the bill for a recent grad entering the workforce?

   1. I think she’d be better off stocking up on a few basics that she buys. For bis casual, I’ve had luck for affordable options at places like Old Navy, Costco (yes, really!), JCF / LOFT / BRF on sales.

      Bis cas is a wide, wide range (especially now), but I’ve been at places that run the gamut from “we’re bis cas because you only need to wear a suit a few times a month, otherwise pencil skirt, blazer, blouse, and heels” to “non-ripped jeans and blouse or nice T are fine”.

      1. +1

         For her first week, I’d buy a few boring basics while she sizes up what her colleagues are actually wearing.

      2. Ha, I went from finance to a Big 4 and a huge selling point was ‘only’ needing to wear suits on occasion (vs. a jacket/full suit daily) and getting to wear jeans on Fridays!

      3. Agree — get some basics (black cardigan, pants, etc.) at places like Old Navy. But think more about footwear — good boots will be a must. She can change into indoor shoes when she gets to work.

   2. Is she planning to stay in Wisconsin? If so I’d invest in a good winter coat (waterproof, with a hood, rated for -10 weather) and solid snow boots instead of renting them. I honestly think she’d be better off with buying a simple wardrobe in mostly solid colors that she can add to over time. Mall stores will have good labor day sales and it would probably be easier to buy a curated wardrove vs. trying to pick out/mail back a bunch of stuff. I’d hit Ann Taylor/Uniqlo/Jcrew Factory for a mix and match set of skirts, pants, dresses, sweaters, and simple tops.

   3. i don’t know what her job is by why would she prefer this to just buying some moderately priced basic work pieces?

      1. +1. This site has ‘building your basic wardrobe’ posts but my standard advice is to pick 1 spring/summer base color and 1 winter/fall base color and then add interest with tops or accessories. I’d do a navy base in spring/summer and black (or grey) in winter/fall. Navy pants, black pants, navy skirt, black skirt, work friendly jeans (if allowed), 1-2 dresses in a solid color or small print. Three to five summer tops, 2 ‘toppers’ (blazer, swacket or cardigan), 3-5 winter tops.

      2. Five reasons why I think rental would be good for her. 1) Nicer clothes on a smaller budget; 2) Gives her time to figure out what her work style is without committing dollars; 3) Avoid disposable clothing and the ethics around them (see budget, above); 4) Flexibility to buy basics, but still have stylish options to fill in around the edges; 5) The job is great for her, but not sure how long-term it will be.

         The job will be on the very casual side of business casual. She will be working through the winter in an area that is known for summer vacations. Year-round population is small and rural. I am proud of her getting this job but there are aspects of it (location) that make it seem more likely that it will be just a one or two year commitment.

         1. Hmm, your second paragraph makes me wonder if the dress code is going to be very specific to that business, and hard to identify until she actually sees what people are wearing.

         2. Okay, I now have a casual side of bis cas job (after years of working places where jeans weren’t even allowed on Fridays) and the best thing about this job is that probably 80% of my wardrobe works for both work and personal life. So, I would have her go through her existing wardrobe and see what can do double duty (recognizing that as a college student, its probably less than it is for older people) and identify what gaps she has in her wardrobe. She can probably round out a good work wardrobe without buying all that much.

            For me, I can wear t shirt dresses, non ripped jeans, nicer sandals and sneakers and the like to work. All of my sweaters and probably 50% of my existing tops are also work appropriate. I didn’t own any non-ripped jeans before this job, so I went out and bought two pairs. I already had work tops from previous jobs, but she could get by with only buying a few new tops (assuming she has at least a few that work already). I donated my sheath dresses and got a new t shirt dress and a shirt dress. I already had work pants that work, but I can also now wear linen pants or nicer cargo pants which she may have. In the winter its all black ponte pants (so comfy) or jeans with a sweater or quarter zip. Some people at my office wear flannels. In summer I wear nicer sandals (Steve Madden slides or “nice” Birks), in spring and fall I wear white sneakers (Adidas or Vejas) and in winter I wear boots (Blundstones or the Tempo boots from Thursday Boot Co).

         3. What about the carbon costs of so much mailing, the packaging, and the dry cleaning?

         4. It sounds like she really doesn’t need rental clothes if she can wear almost anything?

         5. If this is truly on the “very casual side of business casual” does she just need normal, everyday grown-up attire?

            1. Yeah I think clothing rental might be overkill. She needs decent jeans, a blazer for dressier days, long-sleeve tops and sweaters, a good coat, and a good pair of boots. She can probably throw a cardigan on over her existing tank tops and be fine.

               I understand your motivations re: fast fashion, but even if she only stays in the job two years a) she may get another role in a cold place or b) if she does move back south, a place like Dress for Success or a DV shelter would love to take the items off her hands.

         6. Tell her welcome to Wisconsin. Venturing to guess she is in Door Co? You may also need to take into account that shipping is a bigger issue in the rural areas – seasonal closures of post offices and no mail delivery. No one is going to care what she is going to wear and those who do will be in LL Bean. I recommend she invest in warm, waterproof coat and boots. It sounds casual enough that jeans and sweaters will be fine. If she is further south in Lake Geneva, she is close enough to malls and Chicago to supplement her wardrobe.

            1. She will be in Door. 90 minutes to the nearest mall. At least the house and office are near the local post office where we have a box. We weren’t expecting the seasonal summer job to turn into something more.

            2. Congratulations to her on this job!

               I’m not in Wisconsin but spend a lot of time there and am considering a move. My vote is for a Saturday road trip to Chicago or MKE for clothes shopping. Wool pants, nice sweaters, practical boots. At that age, no one cares if she wears the same outfits on repeat.

         7. When I did a cross-country move and didn’t have access to my clothes for about 6 weeks due to short-term rentals before closing on a house, I used Rent the Runway’s program. They had a decent business casual selection, but I mostly used it for dresses + shirts and had about 4 pairs of pants that I would rotate through. I wouldn’t have planned to use it for a year or two. So, I think it might make sense for the immediate short-term, but if she’s really there for a year or two, I’d recommend she invest in some staples (thrifting was one of my favorite things in college and after).

         8. I work in a field that is on the very side of casual of business casual and the examples given here for a wardrobe would have looked woefully out of touch. Get one or two outfits max and see what her coworkers wear. FTR, I wore jeans/shorts/t-shirts/fleeces for years.

            1. I don’t think shorts are ever bis casual, that’s just a casual dress code. FWIW, I’m at a very casual end of business casual workplace and shorts, flip flops, ripped clothing, exposed midriffs, and anything “inappropriate” are the only things that are verboten.

   4. Why go the rental route for this?

      1. +1 Old Navy (or whatever brand) black pants, a cardigan, and a camisole ( I use the black undergarment style from target/kohls because they are more polished and never fade).
         I have used that setup in a weekly rotation for years in various corporate settings. Make sure shoes are polished and that is it. Easy, affordable, and looks professional.

         1. Oh, add an interesting necklace, or scarves to freshen the look. This is common in my professional and social circles.

            1. Young women aren’t wearing scarves in the office anymore. It’s outdated.

            2. Yeah, scarves, interesting necklaces, and the black pants + cardigan + camisole combo are all outdated. That being said, I don’t think the daughter needs a rental program – she can build a fun work-appropriate wardrobe cheaply.

               If she can wear jeans, I’d have her get two pairs of work pants (I’d do black, but they don’t have to be) in different cuts and two pairs of jeans. I’d probably do a wide leg cropped black pant, a boot cut or straight leg ponte pant, a pair of boot cut jeans and a pair of straight leg jeans (one black and one dark denim). She probably already has at least one, if not more, of these pants.

               I’d get a handful of short sleeve or sleeveless tops for summer in different designs or styles. These can be trendy or basic, and she can probably wear most of them on weekends too. She probably already owns a few she can use. For winter, I’d plan on doing sweaters. Once again – can be basic or trendy and sweaters are great because they can be worn for almost all occasions in the winter.

               She can accessorize with things she owns, or buy a few fun toppers (I wear a jean jacket, leather jacket, or suede “cardigan”).

               She probably already has the shoes (except maybe boots) that she can wear to work: nicer sandals, white sneakers, Chelsea boots, clogs, loafers.

               I’m in my late 20s, pretty into fashion, and work at a decently casual office. Except for the “going out tops”, cropped tops, and ripped jeans, and a few dresses almost everything I have in my wardrobe can be worn on weekends and to the office.

            3. In my part of the world it gets cold and windy 3 seasons of the year, and yes, young women wear scarves for warmth as much as fashion. If it is an uhh “dated” look so be it.

            4. Young women, in my area with real winter, wear scarves outdoors but not indoors for fashion. Turtleneck sweaters are very popular for indoor warmth.

            5. Haha I am 59 and have a closet full of scarves and a jewelry box bursting with interesting necklaces, but even I know that’s not the current look. I can’t remember the last time I wore a scarf for anything other than warmth.

      2. Also why not let your grown daughter figure this out on her own?

         1. I realize not everyone has a close and supportive relationship with their parents but as someone who absolutely provided this type of assistance/guidance to my daughter when she first entered the working world, many mothers are happy to help their adult children navigate their adult lives in any way we can. I suspect OP’s daughter asked for her input (or at least welcomed it) and also needs help with financing the sudden need for a new wardrobe.

            But then my mother took me shopping for professional clothes when I was in law school and about to start my first internship so I was just paying it forward. My father is fond of saying that the family and not the individual is the basic unit of society and the goal of parenting and grandparenting is to help your children and grandchildren have happy and successful lives.

            OP – I actually think a three month Nuuly subscription would be a great gift to give her time to decide what she needs longer term (and indeed whether she thinks this will be longer term at all). I have pretty good luck finding business casual clothes there.

            1. LOL okay sure I just have a bad relationship with my parents. Thanks for the diagnosis.

         2. I don’t understand why so many people on here are this way. In the real world, a mother-daughter shopping trip is a normal thing, especially if the daughter has no experience buying a wardrobe for work but mom does.

            I got a similar response when I asked a logistics question about helping my son move into his first college dorm, hoping those who had done the same might have some advice. I got more than one response saying “he’s an adult! Why are you helping him?” And I had to push back that it is completely normal for parents to help their kids move to college. This seems ridiculously obvious to me, especially since I had to wade through a sea of parents to actually get my son moved in!

            1. I agree with you. My parents helped me figure that kind of stuff out as I was new to the work world. It doesn’t make them overbearing helicopters.

            2. There’s that old expression “were raised by wolves?” Yeah, I kind of was, but I don’t recommend.

               So, yeah, I help my own kids to the extent I can. I can’t see why I would have them if I wasn’t willing to help them when they need help.

            3. Yup, I am very independent and my parents were not at all helicopters, but my mom took me to a shopping day at the outlets after I graduated college to build a work wardrobe! Very normal mother-daughter event.

         3. Look, I had NOBODY in my family who had held a white-collar job before I did. I was completely winging it for a very long time, trying to figure out how to dress professionally, and it’s how I found this blog, in fact. I wish my mom had been able to help me in this way! If I can do it for my daughter, I sure will.

            1. Same 1000%!

            2. Yup, my mom is a nurse (so in scrubs) and likewise no one in my family had an office job. My mom took me shopping to buy work clothes, which was great, but we both struggled a bit with what to buy!

            3. When I took my daughter shopping (my treat!) for her first work wardrobe, I said “this is your last back-to-school” shopping trip! And then we had lunch and made a day of it!

               Some of us actually like our kids.

         4. agreed, it is literally insane to me that a mom thinks this is something her presumably grown daughter needs details about. it is 2024, 22 year olds understand what old navy is? jesus christ. stop helicoptering.

            1. Is it really helicoptering to look into getting your daughter a subscription to clothing rental as a gift so that she can pick out her own clothes? This “community” never misses a way to poop on someone’s comments about doing something for someone they love.

   5. Has your daughter asked for your help figuring out how to get work clothes?

   6. I did a similar excursion with my daughter last fall. She found everything she needed for a business casual wardrobe at TJ Maxx. We went to one in a nicer $$ suburb, so maybe there is stocking-based for that the similar stores in my urban area don’t have as much workwear.

      The main mistake we made was thinking that the standard business casual dress would be slightly dressier than it turns out to be in reality, at least partly because so much has changed since 2020.

      So she got some blouses that she hasn’t worn because she feels like they’re a little too dressy, even though I don’t think anybody on this board would think they’re dressy blouses.

      You would thinki an outfit of cardigan (not jacket), blouse, basic pants, and flat shoes would be your standard business casual look, but in her world now it’s like a “why are you so dressed up?” outfit.

      So anyway, my advice is, let her see what the office is really like once she arrives there. Maybe just a couple of outfits to get her through her first couple of days, and then she can hit a store or two in Wisconsin. Same for warm clothes – it’s hard to imagine in summer in Florida what you’ll really need for fall/winter Wisconsin.

      1. Yeah, I’d honestly wait on the fall/winter clothes.

   7. A couple of pairs of Athleta Endless pants would be a good start. They’re 25% off right now. My 28 y/o DD just bought some for work and she remarked how comfortable they were. I have them, too.

   8. Can she google some images of the staff in work settings? Or have her call the HR department (or her supervisor) and ask what people usually wear and go from there. If it’s Door County, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if biz cas means clean pants (could be no ripped/worn jeans) and a nice tee/flannel/ fleece with sturdy shoes.

   9. Perfect timing: https://caphillstyle.com/capitol/2024/07/30/four-things-i-bought-from-rent-the-runway.html

7. Has anyone had their carpet replaced recently? How messy is it? We’re doing our master bedroom/closet and I planned to take all of our hanging clothing/things on open shelving out of the closet. Should I also take clothes out of closed dresser drawers?
   We’re removing the side tables/decor out of the room but the carpet guys say they’ll move the big furniture.
   I plan to strip the bed of bedding/pillows/matress pade and cover it with a sheet I can wash easily – would you do something else? We’ll also run an air filter and we replace the A/C filters frequently so that’s covered.

   1. It really wasn’t a big deal at all, aside from having to move all the furniture. I didn’t think it was messy, and I’m usually very attuned to that. And the installers vacuumed before they left, which got rid of most of the little fuzzies left behind.

   2. It’s not a big deal. Remove things you don’t want to get dusty. Remove furniture if you are able. They will move large furniture.

      I kept my windows open and left them open as much as possible for a few weeks afterwards. For off gassing. I can’t remember if there was a smell, I think there was.

8. Google is getting defensive about that horrible AI Olympics ad one of you posted about yesterday – taking lots of heat for it and they turned off the comments on the YouTube clip. Gives me hope.

   1. I found that so disturbing! Please don’t encourage kids to use AI to write things! Jeez.

   2. I HATE that commercial and I’m glad the rest of the world does too.

   3. Reading this made my morning.

   4. Good. I didn’t comment yesterday, but that commercial rubbed me the wrong way, too. I think for me its the exultation of AI doing critical parts of our humanity – here, expressing ourselves, and in particular, expressing how we’ve been inspired in a way that we hope will be meaningful to the person who inspired us. These are deeply personal ideas. And for it to be targeted towards kids! Kids don’t need to write perfect letters to people they admire!! What makes them meaningful is that they are a genuine expression.

   5. I missed the discussion here about it but I was also horrified by that ad. There are many good uses for AI, but that is absolutely not one of them. I can’t believe that made it to air. Shocking.

   6. Good! Talk about a miss! Maybe they used AI to make the ad, haha

9. Two years ago, I purchased a polo shirt at a golf course while on vaca- my bf wanted to play a round and I needed a collared shirt to ride along. The shirt has an embroidered logo that looks like a paragraph symbol and a letter P back to back – almost like “qip” but all the same height and no dot over the middle line. I am confident this symbol is the logo of the shirt brand (like Nike swoosh or puma’s puma!). Unfortunately, I ripped the tag out because it was itchy. Said polo has become one of my favorite shirts. It fits me perfectly and washes so well. I have asked every golfer I know and none can ID the brand. I called the golf course I purchased it from and none can recall or ID the brand. Any ideas??

   1. Copy and paste this into google, perhaps?

      1. use google lens to search the logo

         1. This.

   2. take a picture of the logo and image search it?

   3. Ask in a golf or clothing/fashion subreddit?

   4. There’s a brand called qp that makes golf polos.

   5. Philipp Plein?

      1. That’s gotta be it!

      2. Yeah I feel like this has to be it

10. I’m in perimenopause (44) and am having a terrible time losing weight. And trust me, I am TRYING. I’ve lost 3 pounds in two months. I’m about 20-25 pounds overweight. I was already active prior to this effort and am focusing on diet. I’m doing well in terms of food choices but clearly something isn’t working. I think I need to stop DIYing this and find a dietician to help. I would love to find someone who specializes in this stage of life, as nothing I’ve ever done before is working now and I need someone who gets that. Has anyone found someone who offers online consultations and coaching (and who isn’t trying to sell snake oil and unrealistic outcomes)? I’m getting so discouraged and it’s really messing with my mental health.

    1. It is hard, I know and sympathize.
       Here I go again, take the No S book out of the library and give it a try. No “dieting” terms, just a new approach to eating. It has worked wonders for me.
       Best to you in your efforts.

    2. Girl the answer is wegovy

       1. For 20-25 pounds, and needing to stay on it forever?

          1. I don’t use any of these medications (but am interested, as I also have a stubborn 25 lbs I cant get off) – do you really need to stay on them forever though? I would imagine that you can use them to take the weight off and then probably maintain on your own – and if you can’t then you go back on the meds?

             1. It’s just a talking point from the diet industry. You’d have to stay low carb or keto or whatever forever too.

          2. I used Mounjaro and you do not have to stay on it forever. That’s a complete scare tactic. I used the medication as an excuse to develop new habits and food preferences and have kept a 50 pound weight loss despite no longer being on the medication.

             Otherwise intermittent fasting and water fasting can help. Dr. Fung has some books you can read.

          3. You do not need to stay on it forever

    3. An endocronologist with a dietician on staff. You’ll get bloodwork so you know were you are with important numbers and your providers will work together to tailor a plan relative to those numbers.
       In my case, I found it was more of an adjustment in meal timing (no more than 4 hours between meal or small snack) and increasing lean protein rather than trying to decrease overall calories (which is what I’d been trying to do on my own). I’m down more than 25 pounds and it’s staying off even with vacations and holiday weeks here and there. And my bloodwork numbers are improving too.

       1. What do you ask for when you seek an appointment with the endocrinologist? I haven’t been told I’m perimenopausal but pretty sure I am because of the belly, etc.

          1. Have you had your A1C checked? A pre-diabetes A1C is a very easy endocrinologist referral from an insurance perspective. (There are plenty of other ways to get this done, but that’s one).

    4. Maybe talk to your doctor and get your hormones checked? Very low hormones can cause this problem, and other problems as well.

       (This is a “maybe” and a random suggestion – feel free to disregard!)

    5. My so far very successful, medically supervised diet involves me counting calories, which I do with MyFitnessPal, and getting a minimum of 30 minutes of walking in every day.

       My goal, set in consultation with my doc, is to lose 1 pound or 2 pounds per month which is shown to prevent yo-yo dieting and to keep it off long-term.

       I’ve lost plenty of weight in the past with more draconian diets, but it all comes back on and brings a few new friends with it. my hope is this is the last time I have to lose weight. It would be more gratifying, and has been in the past, to lose weight very quickly, but I want to get off the merry-go-round.

       So from my perspective, and my doctor would agree, your 3 pounds in two months is impressive and sustainable.

       I’ve lost 55 pounds in just under two years following this approach.

       1. Really? This makes me feel somewhat better. I was in the “normal” weight range my entire adult life until a switch flipped around 40. And it’s been difficult ever since, and I’ve also had a hysterectomy since then. Hormonally, I’m sure I have a lot going on. I definitely don’t want to yo-yo diet, and I am also not interested in extreme, somewhat dubious methods. I’m logging in MFP religiously. So maybe I’m not totally broken, but I need to adjust my expectations.

          1. If it took you longer than two months to gain the weight, it’s reasonable that it would take longer for it to come off.

    6. Getting enough fiber and protein make all the difference for me at this age when I DNGAF about either in my younger years.

       Also, I have to really be mindful of what/when I’m eating. Grabbing a donut at the office or the unfinished chicken strip off the kids plates add up in a way that they didn’t when in my 30s. I try to eat all meals seated with a fork and knife if possible.

       1. Yes, I’m definitely focusing on fiber and protein in a way I haven’t before. And omg, I am mourning not being able to grab the random treat!

    7. I have not used Fey, but it advertises itself as a service for finding RDs who take your insurance.

11. From the outside, my life probably looks manageable – I work about 35 hours a week from home, I exercise 3-4 times a week, I have no kids, and my spouse helps equally with the chores. But I feel like I am drowning. All. The. Time. I took time off last week from the job and exercise and honestly it just made things worse. Work is hard because I am basically doing double the amount of work I used to do in the same amount of time. Outside of work I’m dealing with a mystery health issue that may or may not be related to a chronic health issue I’ve had under control for decades, and I also have iron deficiency. I am both physically tired (see unresolved medical issue) and mentally exhausted. By mid afternoon it’s like I just can’t process anything else and I want to be in a quiet room with no noise or screens. How do I fix this?

    1. Working from home exhausts me more than working anywhere else. Take a look at that angle and see if a change there would help you. I know it’s the dream for a lot of people but I find it the biggest energy vampire.

       1. No, it’s not that unfortunately. I love working from home and will never go back to in office work if I can help it.

    2. Why are you doing double the amount of work you used to do in the same amount of time, and is that changeable? That seems like the obvious culprit

       1. I have been trying without success to get that changed. I work for a publicly traded company that insists on squeezing out every last drop of “shareholder value” at the expense of employees, so they seem to think it’s fine since I’m still performing.

          1. Can you step back a little? Say you’re at capacity when your boss has a new assignment, pad out your timelines, etc. Act your wage – I assume they didn’t double your salary when they increased your workload.

          2. But you’re only working 35 hours a week, so unless you are formally not on a full time schedule, you are proof positive that they are not effectively using their employees and should be expecting more. While I’m sympathetic to everything else in your post, unless you’re dealing with some type of specific psychological harm from an individual person at your job, I don’t think your job is going to be the answer.

             1. I don’t necessarily think my job is the solution either, but I am working full time if that wasn’t clear. I meant that once you remove eating lunch, water cooler talk, etc. I actually do work for 35 hours a week. I am “working” from 9-5 every day (or longer) just like I did when I worked in person. I have worked late and worked weekends and made that very visible, but all that did was make me more tired so I went back to normal hours.

    3. For me, the “I feel like I’m drowning” feeling was a combination of burnout and depression. It was paralyzing. A month off of work would have certainly been helpful for the burnout (didn’t get to do that, unfortunately) but medication and therapy made a meaningful dent in the depression and helped me keep my head above the water. Go ahead and find a depression screening questionnaire online and if you’re even slightly answering “yes” then ask your doctor to do it as well.

       Hugs from this internet stranger who has been there.

       1. Sign of depression for me too.

          1. +1

             With chronic disease, this is an underlying specter that can be sinister. As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already that might make our underlying diseases worse (eg. getting perfect sleep/mindfulness/stress reduction/eating habits etc…).

    4. Are you treating the iron issue? I’m actually cognitively impaired when my iron drops too low. There is definitely a connection.

       1. Yes, with supplements. It is slow going. Good to know that it could be part of the mental issue and I’m not just losing it!

          1. Please ask your doctor for a referral to get an iron infusion. The fatigue from very low iron can be debilitating, especially if you’re exercising, and not all of us absorb iron very well from supplements. If you can get your iron stores up with an infusion, you may then be better able to maintain through diet and supplementation.

       2. Yeah, this is a medical issue, and OP, you should consider discussing with your doctor whether there are any reasonable accommodations you can request at work.

       3. You can get a IV dose of iron that will replete your iron levels MUCH faster than taking pills. Sometimes you have to push a little for this and maybe even see a hematologist to get this. Ask your PCP!

          1. This! In the past my doctor was reluctant to do an infusion, so I don’t think it’s something they start off with. They need to hear that the pills aren’t working fast enough so they can ramp up. Good luck OP!

    5. Get a new job.

    6. Covid did a number on all of us. I know so many people that are currently experiencing unexplained exhaustion fatigue or just… some feeling of malaise. If you enjoy a dark quiet room, be in one. Rest when you need it. My local retailers do low sensory times now so I shop then. I’ve also found it very soothing to shower in the dark with a candle on… I know it sounds strange but it’s what relaxes me.

    7. In cases like this, I find that for myself, I can sometimes “universalize” that overwhelm and forget about the slower times, happy times, easier times, etc. As an example, I had a complete meltdown on Jul 03 because I wanted to go to a free outdoor event and it was overwhelmingly jammed with people and I was just…so upset and tired of every single thing in the city having literally thousands and thousands of people in it. I was crying my eyeballs out and questioning everything in my life.
       The next day I was feeling much better and able to get a bunch of small chores done, etc. But if you asked me Jul 03 how I was coping it would be absolute disaster.

       So I’m going to suggest quick journaling, even just an “emoji to sum up my day” type of thing and just try to get more data about how you really feel day to day. Then drill in–is there any differences and what happened on those days? Anything about working out, type of work you’re doing, time spent outdoors, etc.

       I also find language very powerful–if I repeat mantras like “I’m drowning” or “I can’t handle it” over and over, that does become reality. In concert with some other suggestions (like a meditation practice, taking a fresh look at supplements and diet, etc) take a look at just the language your own brain is using day to day. Is there a shift possible?

    8. Are you me?

       I was feeling this (alllll of this, including the mystery health issue), and at a certain point it just got to be too much. I took 2 months of unpaid leave, and came back to my job a few months ago from that. I’m now certain that the issue was my job, and unfortunately am experiencing some retaliation for having taken time off. I am job hunting actively, but it’s slow going so far. One plus was that the time off replenished my energy, so not only do I have clarity about my specific job being the issue, I have better ability to do something about it.

       Hugs from this internet stranger.

12. Reposting from yesterday afternoon – I have twins who are entering their junior year of high school and we’re starting to discuss plans for after high school. Twin A is likely to want to immediately pursue a 4 year college. TBD on what type of college, location, size, or program (this all changes all the time). My DH and I both went this route (we met in college) so know most about it, though we recognize a lot has changed since we went.

    Twin B is not so sure he wants to go to college, he’s open to taking the SAT or ACT and applying to colleges but also wants to look into alternate routes like trade school or the military. This is fine with us – as long as he has a plan for a career (recognizing that this changes a lot – I’ve pivoted careers twice) in which he can support himself financially – we’re not okay with “I’m going to work at the McDonalds in town and live at home forever” but we’re definitely okay recognizing that he doesn’t love school and if that’s not his path right now (or ever) that’s okay. We’re going to strongly encourage some sort of continuing education, whether that’s a 4 year college, community college, trade school or military training.

    As long as they’re happy and “productive members of society” aka doing legal and ethical work and able to realistically support themselves financially with the lifestyle they want, we’re okay with that.

    We can realistically fund about 80% of state school expenses for both kids (they’d be on the hook for the rest, either via loans, going part time or starting at CC and paying the difference, or getting aid at a different school), but I do not want to send Twin B to college if his heart isn’t in it and he doesn’t finish. I’d much rather he wait on college or not go at all rather than force him to go and have him flunk out and the money be wasted (my sister did this, she eventually finished her BS but it took time and $$).

    All this to say – this is their choice but we’d obviously like to be a good sounding board for them and help them as they figure out their path. What sorts of questions should we be asking (them, the guidance counselor, ourselves) to help them figure out their path?

    1. Sounds like they’ve got things pretty well sorted

       1. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else had a kid take the “non-traditional path” – what did they decide to pursue and how did you help them make that decision?

          1. The son of a couple I know did well in high school but was not interested in college. He enrolled in a diesel mechanic apprenticeship with a heavy equipment company. He earned a good salary while in training and even more after graduating. I don’t know how he learned about this career path but it certainly wasn’t in the school district’s vocational education program, which tends to steer kids towards low-level jobs like nursing assistant and plumbing helper. There are definitely real career paths with sustainable adult salaries that do not require a college degree, but you have to know where to look. One thing to consider is the long-term prospects. In physically demanding outdoor careers your body wears out pretty quickly. In some of these careers, like the diesel mechanic career mentioned above, you can move up to management. In other fields the main option is to open your own company and that may not be a good fit for everyone.

             If he might be interested in college later on the military, with its educational benefits, is a great option for some kids.

    2. Teach them about ROI. My parents were willing to spend hefty tuition dollars for a marketable degree from an Ivy (or otherwise highly ranked school). If I wanted to follow my basket weaving dream, it would be in-state tuition only.

       1. My daughter is in first grade, but this is the general approach we plan to take. We’re fortunate to live in a state with two public universities (one local, one a couple hours away) that are highly ranked but not that difficult to get into. Our daughter can go to either of those. If she wants to go to private school or public out of state, it is has to be a significantly better school. The only scenario in which I see us paying for a comparable or less selective private school is if she really wants the liberal arts college experience and can’t get into the more selective SLACs, since I do think small colleges are a pretty different experience than a big public university. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

       2. Thanks! I know its controversial, but I do believe that a) not everyone should go to college and b) there are a lot of colleges and majors not worth spending the money on. I have worked in state government and we hire a lot of state U grads – the flagship and the “secondary” flagship are great – the smaller ones are so hit or miss that I have told my kids I don’t want them going to those schools.

          DH and I met at a well-ranked private university – he studied engineering and I studied liberal arts but had a plan (that I followed into a career I love). If there’s a practical major or a plan for a less practical major I’d also rather shell out for the better school.

          Twin A currently thinks he wants to study engineering, which is a degree we’re obviously happy to pay for.

          1. I get this viewpoint and agree with you in the current economic environment. But as someone who got a fairly impractical major/minor it does make me sad that we no longer see a broad liberal arts education as valuable for it’s own sake. I learned so much about how to think critically/structure an argument/appreciate historical context and ways of living/etc. from my art history, sociology, philosophy, world religion, women’s studies classes. I did take languages/hard science/math/computer science too but both are valuable for more than just how they prepare you for a future job.

             1. I totally agree and think I learned so many valuable skills and knowledge (like historical context) from my liberal arts degree. I do think its sad that learning for the sake of learning is being pushed out, but I also cant pay $200+k for learning for the sake of learning.

             2. For my kid, her written convocation is so bad that I don’t trust anything but a SLAC to lean hard enough on her to improve it. Her grades are excellent so that won’t be happening in her IB high school, sadly, which we chose because we saw this as a weakness early on but had hoped it would get remedied once our schools reopened after COViD. It’s tragic and career limiting in so many fields.

             3. I’d also add — as someone who works in higher ed — that is it not supported by any data that liberal arts do not prepare you for jobs. Liberal arts majors get jobs, they keep jobs, they are often sought after.

          2. You’ve said somewhere on this thread that kid B doesn’t really enjoy school, and I take your word at that. But I also think that’s worth unpacking a bit: what about school doesn’t he enjoy? What does he enjoy? He doesn’t know this, but you almost certainly know that college is worlds apart from high school. Being able to study what you actually want to study can be tr@nsformative in how a person views school. I hated quite a lot of high school but loved college and grad school because I got to take classes that were actually interesting to me. Maybe he likes/is good at math in general, but really hated geometry. Ok, lots of courses of study don’t involve geometry even if they’re sort of math heavy. Maybe he’d be interested in accounting or bookkeeping or working with big data. Maybe he’s pretty good at writing but hates writing 5 paragraph essays about books he didn’t enjoy reading. Ok, maybe he’d be interested in journalism or communications and enjoy a career in PR. Or maybe none of that is true and he’d really rather join the military or learn carpentry. That’s also ok! Maybe he really enjoys the outdoors and could find meaning in being a park ranger…what’s the training or schooling for that? That’s the kind of thought exercise that you should be helping him through…it’s not just that being a good writer means he should be an English major or history major, it’s that writing is a skill that is useful in a lot of ways and which of those ways might be interesting to him. And if there’s any chance that you can facilitate opportunities for him to shadow or interview people in career fields he might find interesting, now would be a great time to start to do that.

             There’s also nothing wrong with taking a gap year after high school to do some of that while taking a couple classes at community college and working a bit. It’s ok for a 16-year-old to not know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, or know how to build a plan to figure it out. But if he’s feeling a bit aimless and you’re concerned about him getting some kind of ROI if he does pursue college (and obviously to be happy no matter what he chooses to do, right?), now is a great time to talk about his strengths and likes and see if any of those point toward a potential career path.

             I would also say that he should definitely take the SAT or ACT to avoid foreclosing that avenue prematurely.

             1. This is helpful, thank you. And yes, we’re strongly, strongly encouraging the SAT or ACT (he seems amenable, so we won’t have to force it. But, if he changes his mind, we probably will force it, just to have it as a backup).

                He’s intellectually curious, but feels that school is too structured so that stifles him, And he’s very, very active and energetic. No ADHD, just high energy. Loves sports, working with his hands, being outside, and pushing limits physically. He’s a camp counselor and lifeguard in the summer and is great with kids. He vehemently doesn’t want a “desk job”, so we’re trying to expose him to different career paths that aren’t desk jobs (both ones that require college and ones that don’t). He’s also expressed an interest in joining our volunteer fire company, but hasn’t had time with school and sports.

             2. I know someone who majored in outdoor recreation. It’s an actual career!

             3. I love the energy with which you’re describing what he enjoys and what he’s good at. That’s a mom I would want in my corner!

                Definitely lean into exploring what he likes. Exercise science could be an option (personal trainer, gym teacher, person running summer camps are all careers that are not desk jobs) if he does decide to go the college route. And I just learned from the other poster that outdoor recreation is a major! But also the military might be a really good option (beware the thousands of military desk jobs, though), with all of those same opportunities available once he exits if he’s still interested.

       3. Oh, and likewise for Twin B – I’ve mentioned that if he wants to enlist we’ll support him, but would recommend he chooses a career that has a civilian world counterpart. Or, if he really wants to do something without a counterpart, he should have a plan for when he gets out, much like we’d want a child pursuing a humanities degree to have a plan of what they’d do after college.

          1. My cousin didn’t want to go to college right out of HS, enlisted instead,
             and it was a great thing. Cousin eventually decided to exit the service and go to college, but thought seriously of being a career service member. Cousin identified and is on track for a career for which the combo of military experience and civilian college education is a unique qualification.

          2. Be prepared to discover that your kids might not be the types of people with “plans.” They might be willing to get the humanities degree and then discover which types of jobs are to their liking through internships and trial/error. Or they might want to join the military and then do college, or alternately find a good ROTC program. As long as you are budgeting in a way that treats them equitably.

             My experience with planning at that age is that it’s a lot of built up expectation just to realize that life will do what it will to your efforts.

             1. I guess I don’t need it to be a “plan” as long as there’s a backup plan. Like if you want to major in history and try your hand at XYZ, that’s fine but also consider getting your teaching cert so you can also go into teaching if XYZ doesn’t pan out. They don’t have to be a teacher, but if they hated their experience at an NGO or had trouble getting a job in the museum world, they can go into teaching.

                We’ve discussed the options for military + college with Twin B. He’s not interested in ROTC or a service academy, but open to the idea of college during or after the military. I especially pointed out college + military if he wants to go into a field in the military that doesn’t have a civilian counterpart – he’ll likely need a degree to tr@nsition to his civilian career (and yes, you can intend to be career military but your body might not cooperate with that – especially if you are infantry or something like that). But, if he chooses to be an air traffic controller or a mechanic or something in the military he can likely more easily tr@nsition to a civilian career without additional schooling.

             2. Also, while I am trying very hard to let this be their decisions and while I’m totally fine with him joining the military – I would selfishly prefer he choose a non-infantry career as his mother :)

             3. OP, does he have the grades for the service academies?

             4. No – he’s a mostly Bs with some As student so does fine but it’s so competitive to get into a service academy. He could definitely be an A student, but school is not his interest – we’re okay with this as long as it’s As and Bs and nothing else.

    3. YouScience is a career and aptitude test that can be incredibly useful. A lot of schools offer it, but if theirs does not, it’s only $35 or so. The results were spot-on for the 2 of mine who took it. It lets you sort career matches by the level of education or training required. It would be a great jumping-off point for conversations. Also, if Twin B might be interested in a skilled trade, consider following Mike Rowe on social media.

       1. Thank you! We want to be able to truly support both twins, but since we didn’t take the route Twin B thinks he wants I just don’t know enough to suggest different options, answer his questions, and the like.

    4. My brother’s youngest child is a year out of high school and did not go to college. The kid is living at home for now, but saving up to move out eventually. They got into a dog grooming apprenticeship program, and is now working full time as a groomer. They were troubled in school, but now seem much happier, so I think this was the right path.

    5. In a former life, I was a college access counselor and did some light career advising for the students who weren’t going to four-year schools. Community college and the skilled trades were made for students like Twin B, and the military is also a great option if he’s okay with the tradeoffs. You are absolutely right that college isn’t for everyone, much less right out of high school. What does Twin B enjoy doing?

       I would just keep the conversation open, and be crystal clear about what level of financial and life logistical support both kids can expect to receive after they graduate from high school, and timelines for receiving said support.

       1. Thanks for this. Your second paragraph is helpful too – I’m always nervous with twins about one getting different treatment from us than the other. If we pay for Twin A’s college, what do we owe to Twin B? Especially if he chooses the military and then has the GI bill cover later schooling. Or, if we cover trade school but that is a fraction of a 4 year university.

          We’ve been very clear that as long as they’re in school or making progress on a career (aka not a total dead end job) they’re welcome to live here after high school and after college.

          1. Cover trade school and then bank it for future education. If it hasn’t been used by age 30 you can put it aside for your retirement or his kids.

             My cousin did a basic 2 year accounting assistant type community college course, then got a lower level govt admin job and got her business degree part time over the next 6 years. 10 years later, she’s an accountant with a decade of govt pension built up.

             Honestly, I’d be delighted if one of my boys wanted to go into heating/cooling or plumbing. Solid money in those jobs and he may want to go back and do a business management course down the road if he starts his own company.

             My BFF’s husband is an oil industry pipe fitter who outearns both my lawyer job and her MBA management job. The rotation lifestyle is tough but he loves being a SAHD when he’s back and she’s happy that they live near her family for when he’s away. He started work at 22 and will likely be retired by 45-47 because they saved a ton pre kids.

          2. We gave our kids the same budget and told them that if they did not use it for college, we would contribute the balance as a downpayment on a home. In our case, it was to encourage them to seek out scholarships and a reasonably-priced school, but the same approach would work if one is in college and the other in on a different career path.

    6. My nephew went to welding school right out of high school. He moved out, went through a program to get certified that cost about $10k and took about 9 months. He worked nights for a few months until he got a day shift job this past May. He graduated high school in 2023 and is now employed full time as a union welder in the south making $55k/year full benefits.

       Will he ever want to do something different? Maybe! But for now he is pretty satisfied.

    7. My brother didn’t go to college. He lived at home after graduating high school from June to September and waited tables. He got his own place with 3 roommates, all in the restaurant/bartending business. He waited tables & tended bar for several years, then got an informal apprenticeship at a mechanic. That was about a decade ago and he works on high end cars at a very in demand garage in a very fancy town. He has some kind of ownership stake in the business now, has a couple rental properties that he maintains and rents. He’s a smart guy that hated school and had no interest in college. He’s engaged to an Ivy League research professor.

    8. My brother went to college right after HS. He took 7 years to graduate. He had no concrete plans after college. My parents are now paying for a 2 year online masters degree from John’s Hopkins (I think it’s a $$$ making program), hoping this helps him reset and find a job.

       I think the issue is my brother’s lack of motivation, and my parents lack of setting expectations.

       It sounds like twin B has interests and is motivated. College is not for everyone, and that’s ok. Forcing it can be expensive and not particularly rewarding.

    9. Ron Lieber has a book called “The Price You Pay for College” that might be useful!

13. For those of you donating to the Harris campaign, are you doing it through ActBlue, or is there another effective channel?

    1. Oath vote for me

    2. ActBlue

    3. Act Blue. I haven’t heard of other options, though I haven’t really looked. I’ve never had a bad experience with Act Blue and generally trust the platform.

    4. Is there some way to donate without having your contact info sold? I would love to give money but I think I’ve only just gotten my name off of whatever lists were going around after the 2020 elections.

    5. Act blue. Also, my local Dem Party office.

14. Since heels are out, what shoes do you wear with wide leg pants for work?

    1. Any shoes really.

    2. Pointy toe flats or loafers.

       1. Same

    3. Depends on the day but I still rock heels from time to time. Especially with long, floor skimming wide leg pants.

    4. pointed toe flats, low block heels. I have small feet and so wearing shoes lack a ‘point’ means they disappear under the leg fabric!

    5. Depends – low-heeled or wedge sandals, boots (short heel or flat), mules or loafers (esp with a pointier toe), mule clogs

    6. Chunky flat sandals, loafers, and low block-heel boots when it gets colder.

    7. my Rothy points but I don’t actually think they are stylish. I just like them and have been wearing them for forever and ever

    8. I think a round toed shoe looks better with a wide leg. It mirrors the shape of the trouser better than a point.

    9. Still heels – just a more stacked than stiletto heel. Mostly, because I enjoy being 6ft tall for big meetings (already fairly tall).

       1. +1

          Me too. I LOVE being tall in a room full of men at work.

15. I have fine hair. I wash and dry it each day because it is also oily. It would have some natural bend to light waves if it dried naturally, plus some cowlicks and the gray hair has its own texture. In the humidity, it just looks sad. Would it make sense to try some curly girl techniques in the summer or would it just look even more like a cotton ball? Using a dryer straightens the wave but somehow magnifies the cowlick and makes the grays have too much body. I can’t win. Help.

    1. Similar hair – sometimes it air dries and looks great so I let it be. Sometimes it air dries and looks awful so I straighten it. Some days I can’t win so I throw it into a claw clip or cute bun.

       1. Cosigning. All I truly know despite having a lifetime in this hair is : 1) my hair does so well in highest-humidity environments (Miami, New Orleans) that I have thought of moving there from the SEUS just to have consistent hair year-round and 2) bangs are never the answer. Also, perms are not the answer, but IDK that people even do that now (it just takes the problem and adds 100% more frizz).

    2. I think my hair is similar and I vastly prefer it with some product in it. I use mousse, which gives it a bit more body and helps tame the humidity frizz a bit. I blow dry my bangs and dry my hair a bit so it is more damp then sopping wet, then let it air dry the rest of the way on the train.

    3. I also have fine hair. I wash mine at night and then when it’s 80% dry I put it in french braids or some other heatless curl method. In the morning I’ll take it out and have a nice uniform wave (usually). I wouldn’t do this on a high stakes day because it can be a little unpredictable. If it’s ugly I put it back in a braid or bun.

       The best outcome is using a hair dryer then letting it set in velcro rollers while I do makeup, but I don’t care about how I look at work enough to do that daily.

    4. Sounds like you need some product. Natural curls & waves that look really nice usually have some sort of leave-in curl product in them. Like 95% of the time.

    5. I have fine, oily 2b hair with maybe 25 % gray. I can lean into the waves and curls with no sulphate shampoos, scrunching and diffuser hair dryer.

       I currently like the Aveda curl creme to set the curls better, I put it in half dry hair, lift and scrunch.

16. My hair stylist is the owner of the salon and I recently found out I’m not supposed to be tipping him? I always have and now I don’t want it to be awkward if I stop. What is the norm around this?

    1. I tip mine too, these are made up rules. I also always get an appointment when I need one at their very busy salon so I consider it money well spent.

       1. i actually think if it’s the owner they shouldn’t take it even if offered but they always do and so i too tip although it low grade irks me.

          1. Omg then just stop.

          2. You think people should turn down free money you’re offering them?

    2. I feel like maybe it is falling out of fashion to not tip salon owners? I recently stopped going to a very expensive salon where the owner (and sole stylist) and shampoo person both had their venmos for tips right by the register. It was very clear that the owner expected the tip! With the crazy high price, and then the 20% tip on top, it started to creep over my budget. I’d say, keep tipping if you like the service. You aren’t obligated, but I feel like the rules are changing.

    3. My stylist (also the owner of his salon) is excellent and I wouldn’t want to lose him. He’s rearranged his schedule for me, and his staff for my husband to get us both into last minute appointments when we have had conflicts. I appreciate him above and beyond what he charges, so for me it’s worth it to tip.

    4. I think the “don’t tip the owner” rule means don’t tip someone who sets their own prices and is the only person you interact with. If you have an independent person who cleans your home solo you don’t need to tip, maybe just around the holidays if you want to be generous. For a salon owner that employees a staff (a shampoo person, a receptionist, an assistant that sweeps the floors around you, etc.) the owner isn’t pocketing all your money. I would tip them for a haircut.

17. It’s going to be a great day. (If this is my mistake, tell me)

    I work in house at an international company and a substantial number of my coworkers work in Europe and Asia so the first thing I do every morning is check my email and see what came in over night. I also have my calendar set up so I can take calls from 6 AM till midnight my time, hopefully and generally not all in one day.

    I had nothing scheduled early this morning. Woke up normally, checked my email, nothing major overnight, and
    started getting ready for work. Got into the office and at 7 AM a European colleague dropped a 7AM call on my calendar. They didn’t call me or text me about it to tell me it was happening. I no-showed because I was getting ready for the day and didn’t see it and now I have a bitchy email from the sales guy and their boss about my no-show.

    1. Not you. The whole point of scheduling things is to do it in advance! If you want someone to do something right away, you need to text or call or something immediate, and you need to ask nicely/be prepared to be told no.

    2. Not your mistake. Whether there’s a time zone issue or not, it’s unreasonable for a colleague not to reach out directly if they’re dropping a last-minute call on your calendar. People could be commuting, in the restroom, talking to a colleague down the hall, on an unscheduled call, or just trying to get some actual work done and not staring at their calendar. Someone dropped a 3:45 call on my calendar yesterday at 3:42, and they sent an internal message to make sure I could join.

       1. +1

       2. This exactly.

    3. NTA. I had this happen to me on a Monday (8am call changed to a 7am call). I joined 15 minutes late (so, 45 minutes early for the original call!) as I just happened to glance at my phone while getting my son ready for camp. Everyone else on the call was apologetic about the last minute change and it was NBD that I was a bit late – they were fully prepared to stay on late to update me or catch up via email.
       Truly – are people not allowed to pop to the restroom, be heads down working, or just be unavailable? This is why I block my calendar from 7-8am ET during the school year – I handle the AM school run and I don’t need global colleagues just randomly grabbing time and not paying attention to my local time zone.

    4. Absolutely not. I’d reply all with “as you know, 7am is outside my normal working hours. While I do my best to accommodate calls at this time, I can only do so with notice. If you ask me to attend a 7am call at 7am, I will not be able to do so as I am getting ready for my day and commuting.”

       1. I think you can just full stop after “I won’t be able to do so”

    5. Was it sales guy who sent the invite? I bet his boss doesn’t even know he didn’t give you any notice.

       1. Of course it was

          1. Make sure you reply all and let them know that they have to give you some advance notice and not drop it on your calendar at the time the call is starting.

    6. Your colleague is being unreasonable. The email to your boss is further proof that your colleague is a dolt.

       Just calmly respond and then propose a new time, ideally one that is inconvenient for the jerk coworker. (Kinda joking kinda not)

       -Someone who works at a major multinational who regularly has int’l calls

    7. Nope, a zero notice meeting needs to be an IM asking if you are available to jump on a call.

    8. This was my life in-house for a decade as head of commercial legal for a global company. European HQ, US high commercial volume so lots of calls with Asia-pac at odd hours, and UK, France. Your current schedule sounds perfect. People who drop last minute calls on colleagues in other continents are jerkoffs. And I don’t know how else to say this, but whenever the sales team complained about something stupid like this about my team who were busting their asses like you are, I would b*tch them right back at the next opportunity and make them look really bad at the next exec meeting. Working with the sales team is like living in a dog park. I hope your boss has your back on this. You don’t need to respond to the email, just ignore it and keep up the great work.

18. As much as I would love to send one kid to state u, I have a feeling she would get steamrolled by the size and being on the spectrum. I see how fit is so important. We have some school breaks this fall where we could travel to visit schools that might suit her (maybe Marshall, which has an autism program, but this is a hard nut to crack and local counselors aren’t able to offer suggestions). We are in the SEUS. Any suggestions? She is in 10th grade and did well last year in typical college-bound classes, so not much of a track record (no SATs yet) and with so many schools except the tippy top being test optional, it’s hard to know what is appropriate to even look at. Something SLAC-ish that offers reasonable prospects for admission (so not Amherst), maybe SEUS to mid-Atlantic. She may be interested in science if taught by professors but not the massive classes taught by grad students as seems to be what our big schools do. Or nursing (but understands that she could get a BA or BS and then do an RN program after or get advanced training).

    1. Please check out Queens University in Charlotte. It is delightful, and they offer a nursing program.

       1. My nephew attended Queens and thrived. They have a wonderful program that is endowed to allow any Queens student who wants to study abroad to be able to afford it (funding travel costs and so forth).

    2. What does your daughter want? She should be designing her future and picking her life path. This whole post is all about you, your fears, what you think her limitations are, but seriously what about her?!?

       FWIW I have the ’tism and I went to school at a university with 50k students. I now have a very prestigious job, a house, and a husband.

       Nursing generally isn’t a great fit for ASD women because we’re already prone to being taken advantage of and that environment makes it much worse.

       1. +1

          also, casually suggesting nursing as a path? that is a wildly different occupation than many. physical, dirty, smelly, can be downright gross. you have to really want to do it!!

          1. OP here and she likes science and says she has nursing as a career goal and has explore it a bit this summer and it seems to be sticking, but in a way that isn’t defined at the moment (nursing seems to be as broad as law, where you can go in a lot of different directions). She does know that at some schools you apply to nursing programs and we have some family friends who have gone to college and then to nursing school or advanced nursing programs.

             1. If she’s truly interested in nursing I would have her get a job working sorrowing patients in a nursing home or similar setting so she knows what she’s getting into. There are definitely such jobs for high school students; my daughter’s college roommate had one.

             2. If she really wants to go into nursing I’d highly suggest looking at a school that is a ‘feeder’ for a big research hospital as it will make it easier for her to get internships/jobs at that hospital after college. For example – Quinnipiac feeds into Yale, Duke feeds into the UNC medical center, etc.

             3. Anything between Quinnipiac and Duke? Duke seems unattainable and just has a graduate nursing program; nothing in undergrad.

             4. I don’t know if its a necessarily a feeder, but what about schools with nursing programs that also have large hospitals (and thus I guess med schools). I’m in Philly so here that would be Penn, Temple, or Jeff. I know Drexel nursing is well regarded, but since Hahnemann closed a few years ago I don’t know where they do clinical or how that works.

             5. Nursing is generally only broad after you have done bedside nursing. NP: need bedside nursing, research RN: need some bedside nursing; admin RN: need bedside nursing. So the concern about the hard work and difficulty of nursing still applies. I have a d/i/l who is a nurse-and loves it!-but it’s not for everyone. What about pharmacy? Great job security but very different vibe. Or anesthesiology assistant? So many health careers are out there and dying to offer qualified applicants a job!

             6. Pharmacy requires a PharmD, does she really want to do that much school? There is an oversupply of pharmacists. Most jobs are at the chain drugstores and many are not happy. Hospital-based jobs are very competitive since they usually have higher job satisfaction, many require specialized fellowships.

             7. I understand the desire not to limit a kid prospectively, but on the other hand I think nursing is a very people-driven profession and it would be a real struggle for anyone with social challenges. Even neurotypical people who are a bit socially awkward (me) would struggle with it, I think. An autistic relative is very bright but couldn’t get through the interview process to get into med school, and nursing is more people-y and less science-y than med school.

       2. I did my bachelor’s degree at a gigantic top public university, a postbac at a top liberal arts college, and a master’s and a JD at a small public university. I firmly believe that small schools focused on undergraduate education are the best fit for 90% of undergraduates, with or without special needs. The exceptions would be kids who want to study a subject that is not available at small schools (but even for engineering, there are small specialty schools), kids who are only there to play D1 sports, kids entering a top-ranked small specialized program like music, or generic party kids with poor high school records who just want to have fun and get a degree in communications at the lowest possible cost and can’t get merit aid at a low-ranked SLAC. At even the best large universities students will have trouble getting into required courses and will be largely on their own for things like career planning and dealing with administrative errors.

       3. +2. It’s clear that you love your daughter and want to support her, but you’re going to end up stifling her.
          Larger schools may have more resources for advising, learning communities, and support for neurodiverse students.
          Just from a quick search I found that University of South Florida and University of Alabama have programs for neurodiverse students.

          1. I get that there are programs but IMO at any school, smaller classes and more 1:1 with a professor is wildly better for most kids. And all schools have disability services per federal law. I just think that smaller schools care more about producing quality graduates and the least prepared SLAC grad will run rings around someone who did the minimum at any large school, which IMO do OK with very bright kids who are self-starters and already have a plan mapped out, which isn’t most kids. It’s OK to send a kid to ELA school that nurtures more of you can afford it. Or maybe do 2 years and transfer to a bigger school.

          2. Consider whether programs sometimes signal a real need for programs (vs. a place where students are doing well without a program).

    3. You mention SEUS and visiting schools. I would take a trip and visit several Georgia schools including Berry College, Georgia College and State University (Georgia’s public liberal arts university), Oxford College of Emory (Emory has a med school and is connected to a huge hospital network), Mercer (has a med school) and Augusta University (home of the Medical College of Georgia). I worked in professional school admissions at an elite institution in the South, and all of these schools have good reputations.

       1. With the caveat that you should do some reason because I actually have no idea as to the quality of their education (I’m just familiar with them because I’m from Macon), if you visit Mercer, you might as well pop by and look at Wesleyan College while you’re there if she isn’t opposed to a women’s college. I have no idea of quality of education, but they have a nursing degree and it’s definitely small.
          (And know that there are parts of Macon that are very not safe. Including some of the areas not too far off of Mercer’s campus)

    4. Check out Spring Hill in Mobile! They got a huge grant a few years ago for nursing and it is a SLAC with reasonable tuition.

       1. Spring Hill looks like a total gem. It looks like a SLAC for the broad middle of the pack.

    5. I don’t know about nursing but maybe look at Davidson or Muhlenburg.

       1. Are those both super-hard to get into?

       2. I can’t imagine paying Davidson-level tuition for nursing. There are a whole bunch of cheaper options that would qualify you for the exact same entry-level job.

    6. I’m in the DC area and have heard good things about Goucher College, a SLAC in Baltimore. Good luck!

    7. Elon came to mind, also Agnes Scott (a relative taught there for many years and it seemed like a lovely place). College of Charleston or Sewanee? My kid isn’t interested in the South but there are a lot of neat options.

    8. I’m going to push back on giant state schools being bad for neurodivergent students.
       It’s worth taking a look at your local state school and touring the student support orgs while there. By law, disabilities have to be accommodated, and large state schools have correspondingly large disabled student support programs. Larger schools also have a larger variety of programs- if she finds that nursing isn’t for her, it’s easy to switch programs.

19. Does anyone have experience navigating class differences in their marriages? DH and I got married when we were 21 and it wasn’t even something on my radar then. Now that we are older and have kids, I feel like it shows up more and more. He is from a middle class family (maybe lower middle?) and I am from an upper middle class family. The way we were raised just feels so different. It shows up in the way we want to raise kids, handle money, do holidays. It’s been tricky. A simple example- my summers growing up were spent in camps and my parents booked a week off for vacation and we would go somewhere, nothing crazy, maybe camping or to a big city to go to museums or something. His were spent at home doing whatever he wanted, watching tv, playing video games or whatever, biking around.

    1. That sort of difference isn’t really a class one, imo. Even within the same income bracket, families make different choices about things like how kids spend summer break.

       But to answer your question; yes. My parents were middle class to upper middle class when I was growing up but they’re frugal and in a very LCOL area and didn’t retire at 65 (by choice, not financial necessity) which means they’re now very wealthy in their mid-70s. My in laws were high earners but live in a VHCOL area and aren’t good at saving so they have essentially no money. They’re both still working (primarily from home) at 75 and 77 and when they’re physically unable to work we will probably have to support them. It doesn’t really affect us at this point though.

    2. So, I grew up in a pretty WASPy family that was middle class but was previously wealthier (my parents were both teachers but grew up wealthy) and culturally very WASP. My DH grew up with much, much, much more money than I did but his parents were self made and thus culturally less wealthy, if that makes sense?

       So I’m like of course the kids will learn how to sail and play tennis, go to private school (grandparents paid for me, I was the 4th generation in my family to go to this particular prep school), and take cotillion class but also of course we’ll drive old Toyotas and outsource nothing and shop sales and the only brand names that matter are ones that stand for quality, not popular ones.

       My husband isn’t flashy but is definitely flashier than I am (why buy a Toyota when you can buy an Audi), thinks we should pay to outsource everything, and doesn’t understand why we’d even apply to, let alone attend, private school.

       We had the biggest disagreement about housing – I wanted to live close-in in an older but walkable suburb – as a result the houses are older and smaller with character but more expensive than the exurbs with brand new McMansions (bleh). He was fine with a “good district” but took ratings and reputation at its face value, since we weren’t doing private school for lower school (I also had to explain lower school vs upper school)I was pouring over curriculum and other information to choose the school I really wanted the kids at – I was just so used to parents being able to literally choose a school and switch schools if it wasn’t the right fit (I was used to families with 3 kids at 3 different prep schools so each kid had the best fit) and he was used to its a good school but we can’t control the details so as long as we’re in a good district its okay.

       We’re not super religious, but try to go maybe monthly. I grew up at a WASPy Episcopal church where everyone is in their Sunday best – so of course our young son needed a blazer. He didn’t own a blazer until he was well into his teens. Meanwhile my brother wore a blazer to school, church, family holidays, and nice dinners out starting in lower school.

       1. Perhaps you should have “poured” over the spelling lessons at your fancy lower/upper schools.

          1. Ha

       2. Why did you marry this guy? The way your write this it sounds like you feel like you’re slumming it with him.

          1. OP here. Thank you for sharing all that you did! I can definitely relate. My family is a lot more like yours but the version involving academics. And my DHs family sounds more like your DHs where it’s just sort of like cash is king, pop culture version. My in laws get so upset when they see me in an old car. They think it is horrific why would anyone do that to themselves?!

    3. More upper-class parents are switching back to free play and unsupervised time for their kids’ development these days. What may have been lower-class in your husband’s day is now a belief signifier for the upper classes, just like no screentime rules.

    4. That’s just two people being different, which most people who end up married to each other are. You’re also not explaining here what about you having different childhoods is tricky?

       1. +1

       2. Agree.

          My family was better off than DH’s but his dad was a teacher so his summers were off. DH wasn’t even familiar with camps. We do a combo of camps, summer travel vacation and a week or so chilling at home each month. Local grandparent help + DH and I each take a day that week. Your kids will also feed into what your summers look like. We have one kid who thrives on the social engagement of camps and another who finds it exhausting.

    5. Haha yes. I am from a rural poor background. First kid in any recorded family history to get a four year degree.

       Husband grew up in a career military family (but not the kind that moved all over) – father was base commander but they didn’t live on base. They were “comfortable,” which seems rich to me, but because they didn’t live in the biggest house on their street in a wealthy suburb with tree-lined streets, my husband thinks he grew up lower middle class to poor. It’s insane to me. I’ve just had to shut him down a few times because it’s so obnoxious, not only to me, but would be to basically anyone he tried that shit with, and I would be mortified on his behalf if he tried talking like that in actual public.

20. One of my male employees gives off socially awkward, creepy vibes. Nothing offensive or really actionable, but stuff like he hovers, stands too close, stares a lot, and just otherwise gives off weird vibes. I find myself wanting to avoid him or not sit near him and I’ve started to notice it happening with other people as well. I feel like it’s my job as his manager to help him develop, but I don’t have the faintest idea how to broach this subject without making it worse or him even more uncomfortable. Thoughts or advice?

    1. This happened with one of my friends who had a coworker doing these things and it turned out that HR had somehow missed a background check that would have revealed a history of sexual assault. Great.
       It’s also possible this person has a disorder.

       1. Yeah OP should be really careful that her employee doesn’t have a diagnosed disability. I have a disability that impacts my balance and I can be a bit wobbly sometimes, a manager that thought themselves to be very perceptive accused me of being a drunk, I was appreciative when HR rained down upon that manager.

    2. Trust your gut and don’t let any female subordinates go places alone with him (seriously). Consider whether he brings value to your company. I’m not in the camp that says that women should reform creepy men or try to help them – if he can’t figure out how to not be creepy on his own, that’s to his own detriment, and there are literally zillions of resources online aimed at helping people develop their social skills that he could peruse if he chose to.

    3. Maybe I’m in the minority, but I don’t think it’s your responsibility as a manager to manage this unless it’s affecting other people.

       1. it’s affecting OP and making her uncomfortable, even though she is higher in the hierarchy. I would think this is definitely something to address.

    4. Assuming he just doesn’t know, I think it’s a kindness to teach him things like “stand x far away.” These are teachable things. Most people understand them implicitly, but if they don’t (because of a brain difference or other reason), they can learn to give people space and other general rules.

       If he does know and just enjoys making people uncomfortable, then he still needs to stop or be managed out.

       Either way, the process looks pretty similar and a decent HR can advise. The fact that some people don’t implicitly understand these things shouldn’t be a barrier to letting other people have a workplace that is free of behavior that feels harassing.

    5. The creepy guy at my old office never did anything actionable … until he did. Trust your instincts here, OP.

    6. I’d focus on what you *do* want rather than playing whack a mole with the weird stuff. So focus on appropriate distance, focusing on your own work/zone, understanding “personal space” and things like that.

       Maybe make it a development item during a review or 1:1 and label it professionalism or interpersonal skills or something and focus on how it can help him in the future to work on those skills (and really position it as a skill–not everyone’s parents gave them those basics, unfortunately!)

    7. I worked in a large laboratory at MIT. There was a guy (lab tech) who gave all of the women the creeps, and there weren’t many of us in the lab. The guys didn’t understand. He would stare, stand too close, “brush” by you… Then he started to focus on one particular woman. Sometimes he would stare (?follow….) her from far away, and then he would sometimes come the doorway of our room, and just stare at her. You know what it’s like trying to complain to your older male boss about random creepy stuff like this? Finally, she walked right up to the creeper and yelled “Get the F*ck away from me you freak!!”. And she continued to complain higher up. He was told he couldn’t come within a certain number of feet with her. So he would measure out the number of feet, and stand there.

       He eventually got transferred – to a lab building across the street. And he sued the University. And they settled with him. Unbelievable.

21. Does anyone have any recommendations on where to stay in Ireland if you fly into Shannon? I really just want a relaxing trip with maybe one or two day trips for the week-long trip.

22. Does anyone have a partner or former partner who lacked drive? How did that contribute or not contribute to the relationship?

    I just broke up because my partners lack of drive towards his own career and life goals, let alone mine, were causing problems. Just looking to hear similar stories bc I’m not sure I did the right thing. He was unwilling to make small sacrifices to meet his own goals or get therapy.

    1. My college bf lacked drive and while it didn’t matter for a casual thing, I didn’t find it attractive long term. it’s not just about career, it’s about approach to life’s projects and problems – like managing a house project, planning a vacation, tackling a health issue – and the “eh, whatever, let’s see what happens” attitude is unappealing to me.

       1. yes. my long term high school through college boyfriend was sweet, caring, fun and we ultimately broke up because i was much more ambitious than he was. 25 years later and divorced i look back on the decision as possibly a mistake when i’m feeling alone but the truth is ultimately the lack of drive was going to show up in the kind of lives that we wanted.

       2. I’m a “whatever, let’s see what happens” person naturally and married the same type. Nothing ever gets done in this partnership. 15 years later and I’m beginning to acquire more type A traits, under duress. We got through our degree programs and have always been gainfully employed. We pay for a concierge medical program that ensures we get yearly bloodwork (will schedule us and reschedule us as many times as it takes.) But personality types are real and better to break it off with someone than try to change a thing that isn’t susceptible to external (your) pressure.

    2. You absolutely made the right call. Don’t sign up for life with someone unwilling to contribute to it.

    3. Not me, but I can tell you that lack of drive became a major problem in my sister’s marriage and eventually led to divorce. It is exhausting to be the only adult in the room who is willing to take action on any life problem. Her STBX has even screwed up their divorce because he’s not willing to do any legwork to get financial statements from work, etc.

    4. This is essentially why I broke up with my boyfriend in my early 20’s (met senior year, moved to a big city together, dated for 2 more years before breaking up). I ‘launched’ (got a job, found an apartment, moved up in my career) while he wasn’t able to break into his chosen field and then gave up. I realized I was doing 90% of the work (paying rent, doing his laundry, cooking meals, trying to get him to see a therapist, exercise, apply for jobs) and that I couldn’t care more than he did. It was hard but ultimately 100% the right call.

    5. Be glad you’re gone.

       Maybe a controversial opinion: it isn’t about the money. Drive itself is important. A driven person who is a SAHP (woman or man) will have the kids’ camps squared away early on, kid stuff handled, groceries bought on time, dinner cooked, meals prepped, bills paid, car maintenance booked, all of it.

       Driven people just get stuff done.

       If you end up together, you’re going to be earning all the money AND doing all the household stuff. It’s more work than being alone and it will wear you down.

       1. You’re describing a Type A person more than you’re describing a driven person.

       2. +++

          You did the right thing.

          Look him up in 15-20 years. You’ll be so glad. I guarantee it.

    6. You did the right thing. If you stayed in a relationship or got married to this guy, you’d be busting your ass supporting him and wanting to snatch him bald headed due to your resentment that you were the only one working toward the future. Ask me how I know.

    7. For the longest time I felt like DH lacked drive or as much drive as I have. Sometimes when I talked to him, I felt like I was trying to pump up a tire that would just deflate. Well fast forward through some bumps in the road, turns out he had undiagnosed PTSD and ADHD. Now that both are managed and treated and he has a badass therapist who is a guy he respects, he is thriving. He now has what I would consider drive that’s in the normal range, though he’s more laid back than me still but I don’t believe that will ever change nor should it. I am good at planning, he is good at executing and reacting.

       1. Your comment about the badass therapist reminded me – a former coworker of mine was a veteran who then worked in defense and overseas humanitarian related logistics for a while. I recently learned he went back to school to become a therapist. I think it’s awesome – he is very much a “man’s man” and there aren’t many like that in his field. I’m excited to see the impact he has – I’m sure many who would normally bristle at the idea of therapy would be more comfortable going to someone like him.

    8. You get to decide what your deal killers are. And if this trait was already causing problems, then that wasn’t going to change. You made the right decision.

       Neither DH nor I is particularly driven. We both really like our current jobs and earn enough money for us. If neither of us ever moves up in our careers (and neither of us is trying to), we are both fine with that. We are mid-40s. Both of our jobs allow us to pursue our outside interests, which works better for us than working harder for promotions would. Our way isn’t the right way. Our way is the way that works for us. And it doesn’t sound like this way would work for you, which is fine.

23. any middle aged celebrities with fine to wavy or straight hair that i should google for inspriration? i hate my hair.

    1. They all wear extensions…

    2. Calista Flockhart

    3. Gwyneth Paltrow has fine, thin hair

    4. As someone said above, they ALL wear extensions (source: my hairdresser who does a lot of work during awards season).

       That said, Rosamund Pike (I love her hair in I Care A Lot), Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Lee Curtis, Angele Bassett.

24. I used to wait tables in college and continued to do so on Saturdays even after I started my full-time job using my degree. I did this for the first few years of my career. Now, 6 years later, I’m considering doing it again (waiting tables on Saturdays) for some extra money. I could approach the same restaurant chain where I used to work. I know a manager and she would likely let me right in. However, waiting tables can be exhausting work. Before I jump into this, I’m trying to think of what other part time jobs exist that could pay the same. I used to make $150-$200 every Saturday as a waitress for about 8 hours. Any ideas for something that I could do that would pay similarly? I just want to consider all the options. By day, I work in banking. No specialized degree or ability to, say, tutor a kid in math or something.

    1. Are you ‘conventionally attractive’ in a major city? I used to be a brand ambassador and would get $300-500 a day to represent a company at a conference or trade show or whatever. I just needed to look cute in a suit and regurgitate the script. I represented banks, medical companies, etc.

    2. Can you check out the local facebook sitter’s group? Or a nanny agency? I bet you’d be able to baby sit, pet sit, or house sit pretty easily – especially with CPR training and a clean driving record. Going rate in our HCOL area is $23-$30/hr (depending on number of kids and pets).

    3. You’re a banker this hard up for cash? Why?

       1. Needlessly judgmental. Sometimes debt happens. Or planning for an expense. Maybe she’s bored.

       2. Possibilities:
          Many banks have lower level staff and the big money hasn’t appeared yet. Yet.

          Maybe she’s in a VHCOL city, or is aggressively saving for retirement or paying down debt.

          Maybe she has a lot of energy and might as well use that earning an extra $10k a year.

          Maybe she wants to save for a house or buy a car.

          Maybe she wants a bigger cushion or emergency fund.

          I always advise people to earn money when they are young, if they are able to. Get on the right side of compound interest and do it when you have ridiculous amounts of energy.

          1. Yeah, when I bought a car I picked up a Saturday retail job for a few months to help rebuild my savings.

             1. Exactly! That’s helping you to get on the right side of compound interest: it helped to pay for the car with cash (even if it was replenishing savings), and not pay interest on the loan.

    4. I pay babysitters at least $20 per hour. For my favourite, reliable adult babysitter, it’s $25 per hour. If you are willing to give up a Friday or Saturday night, you could definitely be earning some of that while the kids sleep.

    5. I’d at least try applying at the restaurants where you think you’d make the best tips (or perhaps where you’re offered the best shifts) before the chain restaurant (unless it’s likely to be the best). Your customer service history/restaurant experience and evening/weekend availability will probably make you a strong candidate anywhere (perhaps along with a reference from that manager you know).

       Also you mentioned tutoring — perhaps it would be possible if you focused on certain grades or something, you could go to a book store and look at their workbooks to see what different grade levels are working on & what the lessons and activities look like. Parents would probably see your banking background as indicating you’re good at math.

    6. Go to bartending school. Be willing to work evenings/nights. Got boobs? Hoist them up.

       1. This is so blunt… I’m not sure whether to laugh or be appalled. Or both.

          1. I did not make the above comment, but my old work BFF used to bartend after work and she always changed her bra before she went to the bar.

             1. I have a friend who is a phd economist. He said one of his grad school classmates was a part time bartender and she did a regression analysis of how her tips per night related to whether she buttoned her top shirt button or not. She got a very good r-squared.

             2. I’m laughing really hard at this and also not wanting to turn in my feminist card.

                Time to view this as a tax on shallow men.

             3. OMG best intro to econometrics final project ever.

          2. Actually proven to be factually correct on an episode of MythBusters. They used a coffee shop, but poor Kari Byron worked shifts with flat chest/no makeup and big chest/much makeup, and there was a huge difference in tips in favor of b**bs and lipstick.

       2. So true though! If I had them I’d use them in a bartending job of weekends!

    7. Bartending always brought me in some good extra cash.
       Tutoring and proctoring are also good options.

    8. Just want to chime in and say I think this sounds like a great way to bring in an extra $800 or so/month. I did a sting waiting tables, and it was really fun. The work was hard, but it was so different from my “day job,” i.e., being a student. That was part of the appeal, and I enjoyed the challenge, the multi-tasking and my co-workers. I would much, much rather pull a shift waiting tables than babysit someone else’s children.

25. So, in my group of friends from grad school I am the youngest (I’m 30, so not fresh out of school – but this is only my second time navigating a pregnant friend) and the only one who is unmarried (and I’m, unfortunately, single single). One of my grad school friends (we’re in a tight group of 5, and all still local in our grad school city) is having a baby and has invited all of us to her baby shower. This comes ~2 years after her wedding, to which none of us were invited despite being very close and it being a decently sized (150) wedding. FWIW, of the rest of the group: one invited all of us to her wedding, one was already married pre-grad school, and one did an 6 person wedding, so of course we didn’t attend.

    For unknown reasons, it does kind of bother me that we weren’t invited to the event that costs money to host (the wedding) but now that its a cheaper event to host that’s thrown for the express reason of gift giving we now all make the cut?

    Sometimes I feel like Carrie Bradshaw (I spend so much time and money celebrating other people’s weddings and babies which I may or may not have), so need a vibe check here. Friend lives in the city, but the shower is at her SILs in a far-out suburb. Annoying, but fine. I ordered a gift off the registry, annoying but fine. Now the cards were requested to be childrens books that we sign rather than a traditional card. I don’t know why but this one bothers me (even though I was an English minor so I love the idea of books for kids). It feels like its asking for a second gift, which like I already got you one? And a book, even a cheap one, is like 3x the cost of a card. We’re all in the public sector so yes I can afford a gift and a book, but that’s not really how I want to spend my disposable income (especially as the only single-income friend in this group).

    Also, I know they are hoping to have a second kid and isn’t it weird that first kid gets all of the books signed to them and second kid doesn’t?

    I’d love to not go and just send the gift, but friend had several miscarriages and we’ve, as a group, supported her through that and I want to “show up”.

    1. You don’t actually have to be friends with people forever. Sounds like you just don’t care enough about this women for any level of bother which is fine. Just decline. But don’t try to pretend her totally normal shower is some sort of weird extravagant imposition on you.

       1. No, it’s gift grabby to cut friends from the wedding list but not the baby shower list. It’s a biological function not an achievement.

          1. It is not. If you don’t want to go to a shower just say no.

          2. While I think the “its a biological function not an achievement” is rude, I do agree that its gift grabby to cut someone from an expensive event to host but invite them for the gift giving shower.

             1. I dont 100% agree with that comment, but having a baby is certainly more of an “achievement” than getting married, which I consider not an achievement at all!

             2. I agree with your last sentence in theory, but for me that would mean inviting to a wedding shower but not the wedding (extremely rude). The wedding is a separate event and there might be lots of reasons why the person wasn’t invited– size constraints, huge families, maybe they weren’t as close 2 years ago. Baby showers are typically for local friends that the person hangs out with now instead of all the aunts and cousins they never see in other states.

          3. This is a hilariously “I spend too much online and am so edgy” take.

    2. Weddings have size constraints that showers often don’t. You’re looking for reasons to be annoyed. Also, the book thing is REALLY common, and I take it into account when deciding to purchase as the main gift.

       1. This. Weddings are formal occasions that involve lots of family and long time friends that might take priority over relatively new friends. Baby showers are for the people you’re friends with right now and are generally local, with only a few very close friends or family traveling. It’s totally understandable that different people get invited to different events several years apart. Wouldn’t you be hurt if you didn’t get invited to the shower?

          1. I try not to get hurt about not being invited to weddings, because I understand they’re expensive and can be complicated, so while I wasn’t hurt I wasn’t invited to her wedding I was surprised. We, of course, took her out as a group to celebrate her wedding even though we weren’t invited. We had been pretty close friends for ~5 years before her wedding, so we weren’t new friends or anything.

             We also took her out to celebrate her 2nd trimester of the pregnancy (her miscarriages were all 1st trimester, so we waited to hit the 2nd).

             IME, no one enjoys a shower (bridal or baby), but they attend because its polite to do so. So, no, I wouldn’t have been hurt if I wasn’t invited to the shower. I would have gotten the baby a little gift and a nice card once he was born. FWIW, a friend from college (does not live nearby) was in town recently visiting her in laws and she had recently announced a pregnancy, so when we got dinner I gave her a bib from our college. I couldn’t tell you why I was fine doing that but feel cranky about the shower.

             1. Is it feelings of jealousy? I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just something that would make me feel like you are.

       2. I seriously despise any event where they tell you what kind of gift you have to give someone. I’d opt out altogether in OP’s shoes. Agree with an up thread comment that you’re not an inner circle friend if you didnt make the cut for a 150 person wedding.

       3. Agreed. Also, you can find very cheap kids and baby books FWIW.

    3. Get a paperback early reader? Biscuit is a cute series. Or single board book? E.g., anything Sandra Boyton. Should be possible to do less than $10. You don’t have to do a more expensive hardcover picture book. Especially if it’s in lieu of a card.

       You’re totally justified in being annoyed. Could be her family that’s making her do this shower, too. Baby showers aren’t for everyone.

       1. So she didn’t have a bridal shower but is choosing to have a baby shower, so I assume she wants it. Ironically, when we went to our friend’s bridal shower last year (the friend who invited all of us to the wedding) she b!tched about having to go to that shower (it was also in a far out suburb, she didn’t have a shower so didn’t get why this friend, who is well established in life, is having one and we’re subsidizing her lifestyle by getting her a shower gift and a wedding gift) so I guess that also adds to the bad taste in my mouth.

          1. Again you just don’t sound like you like her.

          2. ok it sounds like you don’t actually like this woman. It’s ok to let some friendships go. Many are “situational” but don’t survive the shared experience, whether that’s school, a job, a hobby, or whatever.

             1. Despite my thoughts on the shower, I do really click with her, really enjoy her, and we do get along well. I admit I am at times the “bitter feeling like I’m forever single” woman so can get easily irritated by showers. I know this is a me problem.

             2. If you’re bitter about the shower. Just don’t go. But stop trying to pretend she’s a problem.

          3. You don’t like this person so bow out and don’t go. Her baby really doesn’t need the negative vibes.

             1. Haha yeah won’t someone think of how the vibes affect an unborn baby. Ridiculous.

    4. Are you friends with this woman? Do you want to congratulate her, wish her well and give her a gift to celebrate this major life transition? If yes – go to the shower. If not, RSVP no and realize that this relationship has run its course and you are no longer friends.

       I will only caution that friends become harder to make and keep the older you get and showing up for major life events is the price of admission (just wait until your friends’ parents start to die; you will look back fondly on the wedding/baby shower stage of life). And that resentment is one of the emotions most damaging to happiness.

       Also, let go of the wedding thing. She got to invite 75 people (assuming the other half were her spouse’s friends/family). That really means 30-40 by the time you add +1s. My family would eat up 75% of those slots.

    5. You don’t have to attend the shower. It was generous of you to send a gift from the registry. But maybe you were invited because your friend appreciates that you and the other friends in this group have supported her through miscarriages?

       FWIW, a board book is about the same price as a card, at least one from Walgreens or CVS. Eric Carle’s Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See is $5.36 on Amazon right now. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom is $4.59. Moo Baa La La La is $3.69.

       And second kids get handed down items personalized for the first kid all the time. It’s fine. But if you ever need a gift idea for a second kid, something personalized for them is a nice idea!

    6. I also hate the trend of asking for books instead of cards, ESPECIALLY if you didn’t learn until after you ordered the registry gift. It is specifying that you have to buy a second gift, which is rude. Whenever someone has that request, then I adjust the cost of the “main” gift accordingly. I also feel like the probability of getting duplicate books is very high, but I have accepted that’s not my problem.

       I hear you on all this, by the way! I’m single and childless by choice, so the gifting feels very one-sided at a certain point. But I am now out of the major wedding and baby phases of life (any second or third marriages get small sentimental gifts), and I’m glad I invested the energy in my good friends, even though it was a trying time in some ways. The folks who I got endless gifts for are now helping me when my pets pass away, when I need a ride to the airport, or when my parents have been sick. I figure it all evens out eventually. But I do still get grumpy about the book as a card thing!

       1. I specifically bought a bunch of radical second-hand books from a local shop for exactly this reason. All my friends get kids books about LGBTQIA rights, animal protection, environmental stewardship, etc. There’s some shockingly amazing stuff out there if you look.

          1. This is a great idea! I definitely wish I’d thought of it while I was in that phase.

    7. I don’t entirely agree with you, but I get where your annoyance comes from. Life is not fair and things are not fully balanced, or at least that’s how it feels. If I were you, having vented my complaints anonymously, I would now take the long view. This is a dear friend, who’s had a difficult journey to motherhood, and is just human with her own flaws, who loves you with yours. You probably can find it in yourself to just get the double gift and show up for her, and let the other stuff go. Choosing the generous side is usually the right thing to do! Being the change that you want to see in the world, and all that…

       1. I really appreciate this comment, thank you. Yes, I need to get over my own hang ups and support and celebrate my friend (who, despite other comments here, I really like, do care about, and do plan on continuing to be friends with). She’s had a tough go lately, and she does deserve people to gladly show up and celebrate.

       2. This is the best response.

    8. Do you still hang out with this friend and do you want to be friends after she has a baby? I agree that you don’t have to be friends with people forever, and as a mom of a toddler I understand how much friendships shift after getting married then having a baby. It’s really tough bc sometimes I want to do more with those single friends, but then I can’t find the time and when I do, their lives are just so much different than mine.

       This shower sounds a bit over the top. I haven’t heard of bringing a gift plus signing a book. I love books for kids too and we got plenty as gifts, but I didn’t ask anyone to sign them nor did I ask for that in addition to another gift. I have seen a few themed showers where folks are requested to bring a certain thing – a coworker asked only for books at her shower bc she’d already registered for and gotten everything she needed, and similarly an MBA classmate asked that we only buy diapers bc they had enough of everything else. I wouldn’t buy a book AND a registry gift.

       1. Hm you make a good point about friendships changing – I anticipate and want to still be close with her but frankly the two friends I had (also from grad school, but not in this specific group) pretty much dropped me like a hot potato after having kids. Even when I offered to meet them at the playground or something, I was shot down. It was really painful for me. Maybe I’m just getting crabby about this out of self preservation.

    9. An invitation isn’t a summons. If it annoys you this much don’t go. Your faux concern for the future of a hypothetical second child is really petty.

       1. Eh, as a second child I definitely noticed that a lot of things were specifically bought for my sibling. I am fine with hand me downs, but something sentimental like this seems weird to presumably only do once.

    10. Rational or not, I understand the annoyance. I had the same Carrie Bradshaw thought when buying a baby gift for my friend who had a destination wedding. If the principle of buying a book angers you then bring a regular card. Keep in mind that showers are often hosted by older family members, so this may not be your friend’s idea. Make your own fun plans the evening of the shower (maybe sushi and fancy drinks, ha) so even if this is a grin and bare it situation you have something to look forward to.

        1. Yeah, I have 5 weddings this year (2 bridal showers and 1 bachlorette as well) and 2 baby showers. So in the grand scheme of things, $40 for a baby gift and card is pretty cheap. I’m happy for my friends and to celebrate them, but why am I lighting all of my money on fire for other people (who are dual-income households!)’s accomplishments?

           1. Because you’d rather be a martyr than learn to have priorities and own your no.

           2. Omg you don’t have to do any of these things. Unless you’d rather just be in a position to complain, then you do you.

           3. I mean sure I don’t have to do this stuff, but it can definitely be friendship altering to bow out. There’s (for good reason) many comments on this board every day about the importance of showing up for big moments.

              Plus, hopefully I’ll eventually get married and have kids and I know I’ll be excited and want to celebrate with my loved ones, so if I want them to eventually show up for me, I should show up for them.

              1. OP– I’m just here to validate your feelings! It’s really common to feel this way during your phase of life. People on here often lament not having or keeping friendships, and 9 times out of 10 it’s because they don’t show up for friends. Part of showing up is sometimes doing things you wouldn’t choose when left to your own devices. I agree it’s annoying to feel like you’re giving all the time and never receiving!

           4. I’m the person you’re responding to and I get it. When you have several weddings + showers a year it feels like you’re constantly spending time and money on other people’s milestones. You can simultaneously be happy for someone and bummed that no one is celebrating you right now. Ignore the dramatic “clearly you hate this woman” comments. Your feelings are valid, but you should try to put them aside for one day for the benefit of your friendship.

    11. You are absolutely not required to go if you don’t want to.

    12. I have always hated showers (and have never met someone who enjoys them!) and always bristle when a certain type of gift is requested. So, I share your annoyance!

        1. Me too

    13. I really wish people would stop having showers. In my circles, everyone gets married late 20s to late 30s and has lived on their own and/or with their SO for years and doesn’t need someone to buy them a new frying pan.

        Babies are expensive, but I still don’t really see why people do a shower beyond family and close friends (like I presume the elder female relatives will want a shower so have one for them). I’d rather meet the baby (when the family is ready for that) and bring a little toy or outfit then, rather than feel obligated to chip in for a stroller or carseat or something that’s not really a gift, but something the parents have to get anyways. If you can’t afford the baby stuff on your own, you can’t afford a baby. Yes, cribs and strollers and carseats are a big upfront expense but babies are so expensive.

        Plus, I feel like my friends and I are all pregnant at the same time – okay so we’re just trading the same $50 gift back and forth.

        To me gifts given out of obligation dont feel like gifts. “Real” gifts are given freely and because you’re genuinely excited and genuinely want to celebrate this milestone and the recipient, not because you got a shower invite.

        1. And people lament the loss of the village . . .

           1. Meanwhile people are telling OP she doesn’t have to go to weddings and showers!

           2. I mean I feel like you can have a village without having a shower. I’ve been to too many showers where I don’t even get the invite to meet the (healthy) baby until its time for the 1st birthday party (another gift giving event). I’d much rather not have a shower and then slowly have people over to meet the baby and then can bring a baby gift then (as in a gift that’s for the baby – a book, outfit, or toy) rather than a gift that’s baby related but for mom and dad (linens, diapers, bottles, and the like).

              1. Yes! I’ll come to the shower, but if I make the cut to be invited to the shower, please let me come meet the baby (when you’re ready). I think it’s so rude to ask for a gift at a shower but then never invite them to meet the baby. By inviting someone to the shower you’re saying you want them to be in this baby’s life! And if you don’t, then its just a gift grab.

              2. Agree with 1:52. I’ve bought nice shower gifts and even knitted little baby things (knitters know that is a labor of love!) for babies I’ve never been invited to meet.

                 Next thing I know I’m getting their high school graduation announcements (expecting another gift, of course.)

           3. I feel like the village is more for emotional and logistical support, and truly needed financial support, rather than “subsidize my life” which is what showers usually feel like.

           4. I feel like the village existed when people had babies in their 20’s so grandmothers were still young enough to help and women didn’t work full time jobs. Men aren’t expected to be the village and help when their male friends have kids. We should stop putting these expectations on women.

              1. Yeah I don’t get why showers are still a mostly female event! Is it not the couple’s marriage and the couple’s baby?!

                 Oh – I know why they’re not – men won’t waste a Saturday at at event they don’t want to be at.

              2. Ever baby shower I’ve went to in the last ten years was coed. I think that’s very common, at least in the NE

              3. Did the father’s single friends come to the baby shower with a gift or were they just the husbands/boyfriends of women who did all the work? Obviously assuming hetero couples!

              4. Some of the Dad’s single friends come. Not sure if the dads had friends who didn’t come, but it wasn’t only guys in relationships at the baby showers I’ve been at

    14. If you don’t like this person, you don’t have to go or give her a gift. But the complaint about the book is wrong. I’ve never been able to purchase a card for less than $5, and there are lots of kids books available for less than $5. Basically any board book is cheaper than a card

        1. I neither know where you’re buying cards or buying books…

           1. Target has board books for $3 in the dollar section right now.

           2. Barnes and Noble has over a thousand books aimed at kids under 2 years old that are under $5. I assume that Amazon has even more.

              I buy cards at target. Where are you getting them for less than $5? I would happily get cards somewhere else, cause I’m so sick of paying 7 or 8 for a card that gets tossed immediately.

              1. Late reply, but Trader Joe’s cards are 99 cents.

    15. Yikes! I’m a first time mom and comments like this post are the reason I don’t even want to host a baby shower, if it’s perceived as a gift grab. My DH and I are both perfectly capable of buying all baby supplies, but 2 friends are insisting on organizing and cohosting because they want to celebrate us.

        1. I mean, it’s a shower. That’s what a shower means. To shower a bride/new mom with gifts, that’s the tradition. Of course it’s a gift grab!

           I side with OP’s hurt here, though. It’s the not being invited to the wedding that makes this feel gift grabby in what I perceive as an ugly way.

           I had a baby shower but not a bridal shower, basically because some of my 5-10 year older coworker friends really, really wanted to throw a shower. It really was fun for them, and we all had a great time! I knew I was having a girl so I got approximately 342 tiny pink outfits for her. :)

    16. Man, just don’t go and send the gift. If you felt this way about me, I would be so very happy to have you skip my baby shower.

26. I bought some nice dining room chairs from Craigslist that have upholstered cushions. They lasted 12+ years but the colors look bad and I’d like to update. And I’d like maybe a dark Naugahyde or something we could wipe clean (kids, red sauces). Is this a DIY job (I have a pattern from the prior owner) or is the fabric cost so high that I should just let an upholsterer do all of this (and they seem to have the good materials anyway)?

    1. are you a DIY type person? are you generally handy? will you finish it if you start it or will you have one chair done and the other 5 sitting in your garage? if you think you can do it i say go for it. it you’re taking about naugahyde i assume there’s no pattern or matching which will make it easier….

    2. I did this with a prior set of chairs. I would flip the chairs and see how the seat is connected, and how the fabric is connected to the seat. In my case, the seats unscrewed from the chairs with just four simple bolts, and the fabric was stapled on to the seat. I bought replacement fabric and stapled it to the seat, then reattached them. The trickiest part was the corners. I think I went over the existing fabric but I might have removed it. There are probably dozens of youtube tutorials! If it’s more complicated than the above, I would take them to an upholsterer, but it’s probably $$$. For a different type of chair with two simple rectangular cushions with one zipper each, I was quoted north of $250 plus the cost of fabric. The chair itself wasn’t worth $300!

       1. Same. I’ve done this on multiple chairs and just used vinyl (on old kitchen chairs). Agree the corners are tricky, but it’s totally do-able.

    3. I did this with my grandparent’s dining set with no problems. My grandmother apparently recovered them many times – it was fun to see all the patterns underneath! Heavy duty fabric and a staple gun is all you need.

    4. We redid the fabric on our dining room chair cushions. It was not difficult at all. The hardest part was getting the old staples out. We used a staple gun and bought upholstery fabric at the fabric store. We did six chairs and it took us one afternoon.

    5. If you’re leaning towards DIY, Modern Fabrics sells remnants from furniture manufacturers at a significant discount, and you’re keeping the fabric out of a landfill.

    6. I recovered some dining chairs with fabric from Joann and a staple gun (probably also needed a screwdriver) and it was fabulous. If you can find fabric you like for a decent price point, it’s not difficult. I loved the change and only wished I’d done it sooner.

    7. I have reupholstered dining type chairs (doable but you need some tools and practice) and a fullly upholstered living room chair in my distant past. I finally had a chair done by a real upholsterer & it really is night and day vs what I can do myself. They have access to better materials than I do, and way more practice than I will ever have. My ok skills as a home sewist helped me with things like piping, but mine will never look as good as the pro’s.

    8. I bought some second-hand dining chairs and hired a retired upholsterer to re-upholster them. The padding needed to be enhanced/replaced in addition to new fabric on the seats. I found him through word of mouth but I’ve recommended him several times on NextDoor — he previously owned an uphostery company, then retired and does a few pick-up jobs out of a shed in his backyard.

27. Hopefully a fun question for the day:

    For those of you in middle age on up, what are your best memories of your 20s? Any particularly bad memories?

    1. I wish I hadn’t been so insecure. I had lots of fun occasions but all the negative self-talk in my brain at the time colors my memories of even the most fun events. I remember what I did, but I also remember how I felt.

    2. Studying abroad in Germany. I almost didn’t do it because it was a financial stretch but I’m so glad I did. It changed my life and I grew so much as a person and had SO much fun with my new friends. My German got good enough to read the first four Harry Potter books and understand almost everything.

    3. Moving across the country at age 21 to start my first adult job with my own apartment and my own car was incredibly exciting. My parents had no money and were extremely controlling. I paid my own way through college and never had a car, so just going grocery shopping, not to mention the freedom to go skiing for the day, was exhilarating.

       1. I love this!

    4. I’m in my 40s now and definitely had the most turbulence in my 20s! It was the decade I graduated college, broke up with a serious boyfriend, bought my own apartment and decorated it exactly to my taste, had a rebound/breakup with an ex, went to grad school, met my now-husband, got engaged/married, had my first child, and bought our home. Oh, and I worked at 3 different companies and had 5 different jobs during that time. That is….a lot in 10 years!
       The lows were definitely around the two breakups, high point was the birth of my first child (I was so blissed out despite the lack of sleep!). I do look fondly back on all of it though – learning how to be a grown up was hard but I also felt like there was so much tangible growth/possibility in that decade.

    5. DH and I married pretty young (22 and 25) and didn’t have kids until we were 29 and 31. My best memories are the fun we had together being DINKS, figuring out adulthood, traveling, and settling into the life we chose together. Our friend group also is intertwined in this. Lots of weekends at the lake and having fun together before life got so serious. We still reminisce about that. Not that things aren’t good now, but we’ve all lost that carefree feeling.

    6. I had a blast serving in the Peace Corps — learned I could cope independently, learned to ride a motorcycle (!), and made some life-long friends.

28. My boss has been hanging a new title/job in front of me for over a year, has given me no feedback on how to get there, and last year left me out of half of an annual process that I need more experience in. Yesterday he told me he doesn’t think I’m qualified to do the job and he wants to hire this dude we both know instead. It is hard to be at work today. I’ve already texted some friends/former colleagues I know to get the ball rolling on looking for a new job. This feeling just sucks.

    1. Brush up that resume and see what opportunities are out there for you!

    2. I’m really sorry Anon! My boyfriend has been through the worst year at work with two similar promised promotions and it sucks. It’s also really poor management by your boss. I hope you have good luck on your job search.

    3. Maybe the bright side is now you know what you need to do — move on to something better & brighter. Enjoy your bosses reaction when you give your notice.

    4. What a cruddy manager! That’s so demoralizing, I’m sorry OP. I hope you get leads, interviews, and a new role quickly.

    5. My sister was slotted into a VP role when the VP left but didn’t get the title or pay. It was one of those “not in the budget right now, but do the job for a while and we’ll be able to lobby for it for you.” Then 6 months later after she was busting her ass doing the new job and her old one at the same time, another VP left and they slotted her coworker into it and gave him the title & pay.

       She found a great job with the VP title and pay at a competitor pretty much immediately, and her now-former employer was like “but, but we were going to promote you!” Too fuckin bad. Thoughts and prayers.

29. Has anyone here ever taken FMLA for mental health/burnout? If so, how did the process work? I’m not sure how realistic it is to have that kind of this approved…

    1. I’ve never taken this type of leave but my therapist did mention it was a thing and she has completed forms for patients who needed this. If you need it, take it!

    2. My bff did this. Her supervisor didn’t ask the reason, and she didn’t tell. Her provider filled out the paperwork.

    3. I work in HR and have processed this for more people than you would imagine. Your healthcare provider (could be PcP, therapist etc) fills out a form with usually a general reason and recommends a time off. 4-6 weeks was common and I’d see things like ‘mental health treatment’. If you’re at a decent company only HR ever sees that. You can tell your manager and other people as much or as little as you want. Recently someone on my team did this and we positioned as an unexpected medical leave.

    4. Essentially, yes. I told my boss and colleagues that I had a non-life threatening health issue and was taking two weeks off. Only HR saw the paperwork with more specifics from my doctor about anxiety, etc.

    5. I took 12 fully paid weeks when I was in BigLaw. The problem was BigLaw-induced depression. I’d become almost non-functional. I had a psychiatrist that I’d just started seeing complete the paperwork. I used the first 2 weeks to mentally rest and the other 10 weeks to find a new job. I found the job literally at the end of the 12 weeks, gave notice at BigLaw, took another month off, and then started the new job. It’s been 15 years since I took the leave and I’ve had no additional mental health concerns. I’ve also always been happy that I took the leave.
       I was not the first lawyer in my section to take mental health leave. I was aware of three other women who had done so in the preceding 5 years.

    6. Intermittent FMLA is incredibly helpful

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