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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Double-Breasted Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I’ve been on the fence about the double-breasted blazer look, but I think this one might be bringing me around. I like the gold buttons, and the cut is super flattering. For a more casual office, I would wear this unbuttoned over a navy and white striped tee with a pair of gray ankle pants. For a more formal look, I would wear it over a gray sheath. The blazer is $169 at Nordstrom and available in sizes 0–16 and 18W–24W. Double-Breasted Blazer This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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239 Comments

  1. Question regarding federal employment: I am a GS 12 in a job that I love, but I do have aspirations to advance. On our installation, however, there are only 2 people in my series higher than me: my branch chief and my director. In other words, the room for advancement doesn’t exist. People where I work also have a tendency to retire in the position also.

    What would be the best way to start thinking about structuring my career? I am happy to move to DC. Would I also have to change job series at some point and move from a technical field into management?

    1. You move to a different agency, different field, or industry.

      Without knowing more, we can’t give you more advice. You’re in a position with no advancement – that’s all you’ve really said.

    2. In my field (1035, though sometimes also classified as 0301 especially at the SES level — keep an eye out for this, sometimes positions may change series) a 13 is considered full performance, non-manager. A 14 is a manager in that same field so requires technical knowledge but also does managerial duties. In DC in my career field and at least a couple others, the 13 to 14 transition is the hardest to make for this reason. Lots of full performance 13s, less people needed to manage them. Also note this is the career service — my husband used to be an excepted service employee and their structure is different.

      You won’t move up from your 12 if there is no room for advancement and frankly, good luck even getting them to rerate your position as a 13 no matter how long you are there or how high your performance is.

      If you’re looking to move to DC, the good news for you is at least at some agencies there is “inflation” — a DC 13 is a 12 outside the beltway. Once you have a year or two time in grade, blanket DC to apply for 13s and be be prepared to change career series/agencies/fields/all of it to get here and get your foot in the door. You could also look at taking a lateral to a 12/13 position — come in to an agency at your current grade, do a year (minimum) there and then have non-competitive promotion.

      I’m a 13 preparing to transition to a 14 (as in, supposed job offer coming my way) who started as a 12 — feel free to post a burner email if you’d like to chat more.

    3. You have to do deep recon into other positions at your agency, similar positions at other agencies, and management positions at both. Time to start leveraging your network for informational interviews or coffees (or just informal chats since you are remote). Are there jobs like yours in another branch? What about on the DC-based team that sets policy for the work you do?

      Without knowing your agency and how specialized your technical expertise is, it’s hard to know. Jobs like program analysis often have transferable skills but you may have to move laterally before you could advance. I’ll agree about the GS inflation, though.

      1. In my experience, it also comes down to how motivated your leadership is to retain you. I started out as a GS3 intern three years ago (I was a sophomore in college), converted upon graduation into a GS7/9/11 ladder, and after getting a few offers/threats to poach from other components within my organization, was rerated to GS7/9/11/12/13 to match the offer of one of the other components. I do not attribute that to my performance as much as having fantastic leadership who cared enough about me and my desired career trajectory to make it happen. If you love what you do, where you’re at, and are equally loved, I don’t think it hurts to shop around, get some competitive offers, and present your options to leadership. Or, maybe even ask before shopping around! Obviously, I have 0 knowledge of your workplace culture/leadership disposition/etc., so proceed accordingly.

        Good luck!!

  2. NYC Ladies — any recommendations for activities this weekend? My husband and I are coming for the weekend from Boston. We come to NYC 3-4 times/year and we’ve done some of the standbys — High Line, art museums, Tenement Museum, Transit Museum, several Broadway shows, 9/11 Museum, some breweries/distilleries (Sixpoint, Brooklyn, Kings County Distillery), etc. We love good bars and interesting walks, staying in Chelsea but willing to go pretty much wherever. How would you kill a fall weekend?

    2. Looks like rain all weekend so I’d go to the Brooklyn museum which has a great fashion exhibit on after a leisurely dim sum breakfast.

      1. +1 to this. Also, Threes Brewing in Brooklyn has great beers if you’ve never been. The Museum of the Moving Image is really great; it’s in Astoria – such an under appreciated neighborhood (where I call home)! If you pop down there, John Brown Smokehouse in Long Island City has GREAT BBQ (my St. Louis native boyfriend’s favorite in the city). Enjoy the city this weekend! Rain is a perfect excuse to stay inside, order an extra cocktail and chat for a little longer.

        1. yum to John Brown and also go to Brooklyn Bagel if you’re in Astoria! The best bagel and coffee in NYC (although it’s only ranked #5).

    5. can you get tix for a spooky Sleep No More visit? My fave fall nightime event in NYC!

  3. I missed the thread yesterday about home hair coloring and just saw a few comments yesterday on the tights post. Has anyone tried Madison Reed? I’m thinking about trying it. I looked at their website and they’re opening up some salons in my area soon, so I’m thinking about going there for one time, then buy the same product to do at home. Has anyone done this? The cost looks pretty reasonable for an in-salon color (about $40) but then I can do it myself. My biggest concern is getting the right color and it not turning brassy on me. I have dark brown hair, but am going grey. So I’d like to be able to do something at home. TIA

    1. I tired it once and wasn’t happy with the way it covered my grays. I got about 2 weeks out of it while I normally get 5 weeks from my salon.

      That said, it was easy to apply. They give you all the tools (gloves, skin color protector, etc).

    2. I missed the thread but will plug Wella Color Charm for home color. Lots of colors, easy to mix your own, decent coverage of grays. I asked my hairdresser for recommendations on colors, but the people at Sally Beauty are also very helpful. It works out to about $15-20 per color and lasts me about 6 weeks. I still see my colorist 2x/year but I just can’t make time for a salon trip more than that, and now I can color my hair at home at 10 pm if I need to.

    3. I’ve done it twice. In terms of color, both times I thought it went well (I did in-salon application). I have black hair and got it to cover my greys. No one could tell I had dyed my hair because it looked so natural and that was my goal.

    4. No to Madison Reed. I usually dye my hair a red shade. All their reds are very brown and do not cover my grays even a little bit.

  4. Any skiers here? I’m entering my annual phase of excitement and anticipation for the ski season. Anyone have fun trips or goals planned? Any new gear you’re excited about? I replaced my skis at the end of last season and I’m super pumped to try them out again as soon as we have snow here in CA.

    On this note, I’d like to consider a trip to Deer Valley this year. I’ve never really skied anywhere that’s more “luxe” and I think it could be a fun mountain for my husband and me (beginner-intermediate and expert skiers, respectively) for a getaway weekend. The only issue is that it’s so expensive. Are there any good lodging options that you can recommend that aren’t totally insane, are cozy/enjoyable, and that don’t require a ton of driving? I prefer not to stay in Airbnbs for ethical/safety reasons, but am fine with condo rentals. Is it possible to stay there for $300/night? If not, we might just try staying in Salt Lake City and driving up.

    1. Going anon for this because it would out me, but my in laws have a place at DV. I learned how to ski when I started dating DH and we go a few times each winter. It is incredibly nice, but yes – expensive. We got the Ikon pass this year, and you get 5 or 7 tickets to Deer Valley depending on which pass. It works out to about $150 a ski lift ticket. Tickets just went up last week, so I’d look into that ASAP before they do so again.
      I don’t know how much lodging costs, but if you could swing a stay at a Deer Valley resort I’d try. You can get away without a car in Park City – uber from the airport is around $30-$40, if you stay at a DV resort they have a free shuttle to take you downtown (There’s an app to use that is pretty user friendly). If you do end up going, please post again – I can give you recs on restaurants & bars.

      1. I’d second this. It’s easy enough to stay in Park City and ski a few days in Deer Valley. I’ve done that several times.
        And don’t skip Park City (or Canyons) if you haven’t skied there already. I love DV, but Park City is great, especially through the Colony area, between the Park City main lifts and the Canyon lifts. There is just so much terrain; I can ski there for four or five days and feel like I’m not skiing the same runs over and over. The fact that it’s so easy to ski a day or two at Deer Valley or Solitude (even Alta or Snowbird if you’re willing to go a little further) is another bonus.

      1. You can do research if you’re interested in learning more about why people often oppose Airbnb specifically, but I’m looking for lodging recommendations, not a debate.

        1. Not Anon at 9:22, but I also wonder about this. Ive read about all the downsides of Airbnb, which is why I never stay at them. But aren’t condo rentals the same thing, with the same downsides, just rented out by a different process?

    3. I’ve stayed at Deer Valley a dozen times – this time of year you can get a room at the St. Regis or Stein Eriksen in your price range, but I realize that’s not helpful for skiing. The more affordable properties on the resort are The Lodges and the Silver Baron. Deer Valley is gorgeous and I definitely recommend it as a vacation! Be sure to check out the bar at the St. Regis – it’s one of my favorite places in Utah.

      In town, check out Park City Peaks Hotel, the Prospector, the DoubleTree, and Park Plaza. Park City is very easy to navigate by shuttle – I’d recommend that over trying to find parking at the ski resorts. Be sure to avoid Sundance (Jan 23 – Feb 2) for best availability and prices.

      Personally, I’d stay in Salt Lake (but I’m also a ski two hours and call it a day kind of skier, so ymmv). You would be able to get a room in February under $300 a night at the nicest hotels in town, including the Grand America (which has a great spa!) and the Hotel Monaco, to extend the luxury feel of your vacation. The Grand America will shuttle you up to Deer Valley although it’s a bit expensive (like $150 I think, but you can split it with other skiers if you can find someone else who’s interested). We also have Uber Ski (which is limited to vehicles that can carry skis and have four wheel drive) which would probably run you about half that.

    4. I’ve only been to Park City once, for a family wedding. A group from our family rented a larger place right on the main street and it was much easier for them to get around in town. My aunt and I stayed at a condo that my uncle rented (they were waiting for their house in Park City to be finished) and it was further up the mountain from the center of town. I rented a car and I’m glad I did. My aunt could not have gotten around from restaurants, etc. It would have been a bit of a hike, especially at night. I could probably have done it on my own, but was glad to have a car to get groceries, bagels in the morning, run to the drug store, etc., which were a little further out.

    5. I’m itching for the season to start. We’re at the point in the year when it’s all I can think about, and given that I can’t ski yet, I start planning.
      I get the Epic Local pass, and even though I live in Atlanta, I tend to get 15+ ski days a year. Right now, I’m planning a trip to Japan (Nagano) for the first week of January to ski there. I’m headed to Vail/Beaver Creek in February, and then trying to tack on a trip to Tahoe in March. I won’t rule out another short trip if I can swing it with work and the snow looks particularly good somewhere.

      1. omg SO jealous of your Japan ski trip…have you skied internationally before? It’s high up on my husband’s wish list and we have a few years before we can comfortably afford it.

        1. I have skied internationally but only in Europe. This will be first trip to Japan, ski or otherwise.

      2. That sounds awesome! 15+ ski days when you live in Atlanta is a feat. Good for you for making it happen because it’s so worth it.

        1. It’s my favorite thing in the world to do. I’ll gladly skip summer vacations for the rest of my life if it lets me ski as much as possible in the winter.

    6. Thanks for the recs, everyone! I’m less interested in skiing Park City because of crowds, but it sounds like a cool town. I’m used to skiing more off the beaten path, but I’ve heard great things about Deer Valley and want to try something new.

      1. I’m assuming you’ve not actually skied Park City/Canyons before; if you have, you know your appetite for a crowd.
        But if you haven’t, depending on when you’re going, I wouldn’t let a “crowd” in Park City keep you from skiing there. There is so much terrain, that if you’re skiing blues comfortably (and there’s enough snow that things are actually open, unlike 2 years ago), things aren’t crowded. At least, they’re not crowded in my sense of the term. I’ve never waited longer than 5 minutes for a lift, for example, and generally had virtually no wait. I’ve done Park City/Canyons the week before Christmas the last 2 years and in early February the year before that, and I’ve never felt like I was fighting a crowd the way I always do in Breck, for example.
        If you’re talking about really busy (often blacked out) times, like the week between Christmas and New Year’s, MLK Jr. Day weekend, or President’s Day weekend, then, yes, the crowd will make things miserable. But the same would be true at Deer Valley. Only advantage to DV in that case is that there are no snowboarders.

          1. Fair. I think that’s right.
            Still–assuming most of the runs on the mountain are open; one is a solid-blue, stretch-black skier; and one is not looking to ski on one of those blackout date ranges (all pretty generous assumptions, I realize)–I don’t think the number of people on runs is appreciably different than it would be at Deer Valley. There’s just so much contiguous terrain at Park City/Canyons, so once you’re higher up on the mountain, the numbers really thin out. So even without a cap, it doesn’t feel crowded (to me). And I hate a crowd; I basically refuse to return to Breck for that reason. In terms of number of people, I’d compare it to Blue Sky Basin at Vail, particularly if you’re skiing through the Colony area kind of between the Park City and Canyon main bases.
            That said–Deer Valley’s great! And there are no snowboarders, which can be nice! I’m by no means lobbying against Deer Valley. I’m saying stay in Park City or Canyons, which will be appreciably cheaper than Deer Valley, and ski Deer Valley AND Park City/Canyons and maybe even Solitude, Alta, and/or Snowbird!

          2. And Deer valley is a ski only resort. I think Park City is great too, but the decreased crowds in Deer Valley and no snow boards make it such a different, and enjoyable, experience–I love it when I can go!

      2. I ski a lot in Utah. None of the resorts there have crowds like the big Colorado ones. The best way to avoid crowds is go during the week and don’t go during Christmas week or president’s day week. Park City is also HUGE so even though it doesn’t cap ticket sales, people are spread out. Lodging in Kimball Junction will be more affordable and you can drive to Canyons, Park City, and Deer Valley pretty easily.

    7. I’m going heliskiing in Iceland in May, and I’m so. freaking. excited. Plus I’ll get plenty of days in at Sugarbush, because I have a season pass there.

      2. Another request for you to report back from Icelandic heliskiing! I’ve loved using skiing as an excuse to see parts of the world I’ve never visited. I’ve been wanting to see Iceland, but it didn’t even occur to me I could ski there!

    8. Piggybacking on this – is it worth trying to ski in Park City/DV over Thanksgiving weekend? I think that’s when they open, but I’m not sure what that means for the user experience. Debating spending Thanksgiving there with a few ski days tacked on to the end.

      1. I doubt the snow will be any good by then. DV is lower than other UT resorts and I don’t think it even opens that early? Maybe you can try one of the higher resorts though.

      2. Based on what it looked like PC/DV just a few weeks later, t would have been a terrible idea in 2017, but maybe not so bad in 2018?
        I’ve never tried to ski–anywhere–that weekend. And unless there’s just a ton of early snow, I wouldn’t try to ski anywhere that weekend with high expectations.

      3. Late reply but Deer Valley doesn’t open until Dec 8, and the snow is eh that early, many runs and lifts are closed. But it is pretty empty

  5. If you’ve worked remotely when the rest of the team was in office – what would have made you feel more welcome?

    We had a remote team member start recently. She came to the office for a little bit but now she’s working from home a few timezones away. Our team in the office is pretty friendly, chatty, and we do use Slack a lot, including for casual conversation and jokes, so she’s still included that way.

    1. Even though it’s a pain, some occasional video calls and in-person meetings. Depending on roles, the ability to work on joint projects. Weekly check in with the boss if not already doing it.

    2. Make sure that if she plans to come to the office X times per year, at least a few of those coincide with company/department social events. If those don’t exist, perhaps at least set up a happy hour while she’s in town so she gets to socialize in person from time to time.

    3. This might sound obvious, but don’t forget to invite her to meetings. For a while, I worked as the only remote person and my boss forgot to invite me to meetings—or would start meetings without me (because she insisted on calling me into group meetings)—all the time because she couldn’t “see me.” It just constantly reinforced that I wasn’t a part of the team.

      1. Along those lines, if you are doing a round robin check in at a meeting, don’t forget she’s on the phone and conclude the check in after everyone in the room has gone.

      1. I had a friend that wore leggings she called her “no pants, pants.” The leggings were the same color as her skin tone so she looked like she had no bottoms on. I totally didn’t get the appeal.

    3. Sometimes I have absolutely no idea what goes through stylists’ heads, but I swear it’s ‘hey let’s see what hideous combination can get the most attention and shares’!

    4. Heh, I was just going to comment that I sort of love the pants. Though I agree that if I saw her all at once, from far off, I would probably get the “is she wearing pants?” impression. But they’re such a pretty color.

    5. My first thought upon the page loading was NSFW NSFW NSFW and then I looked more closely . . .

    6. I had to go relook at the picture, but I still don’t see it. The pants are many shades darker than her skin tone and don’t look like her skin at all. It would be like saying that white women cant wear light peach because it would look like they aren’t wearing anything

  8. I’m going to Chicago this weekend for the first time. I was planning on visiting either the Skydeck or 360 Chicago observation deck on Sunday. I was leaning toward 360 because the wait times seem shorter and I think it’s a little less expensive, but is one recommended over the other?

      2. +1. Especially if there is light rain as predicted – you at least get a drink out of the deal!

      3. Thanks! That sounds like fun. I think I’ll see if I can book tickets for the evening.

        2. To be clear – I think we’re all recommending the restaurant – The Signature Room – at the Hancock, NOT the 360 Chicago. You might need a reservation because it’s a busy restaurant but not a ticket.

          1. No, I think we’re recommending the bar, the Signature Lounge. the restaurant is expensive. A drink in the lounge will run you ~$20 and the best views in Chicago

          2. Yep, Signature Lounge. Overpriced cocktails, but you’re paying for the view. No tickets necessary.

    2. I did the 360 with a group (think: small conference) and the lines were horrible. Both going up and getting down. It was, imho, not remotely worth it. Obviously YMMV but this was a waste of 2+ hours for 10minutes of views you can see from another high building or airplane.

      Drinks somewhere up high that is NOT a tourist trap is a good idea.

  9. Kid gift recs? I’m going to visit a friend soon, and her kid will be 15 months. Due to the abysmal postal service where they live, I only get to bring gifts once a year, so I’m looking for recommendations for gifts for around that age and a little older. Expensive is fine because I’m there to spoil him to pieces but they all do have to fit in my suitcase. She has told me he loves any toy that makes music – are there any toys out there that would satisfy his love of noisy things but not drive my friends insane, or is that just a pipe dream?

    1. I got my nephew a small drum which he loves and even though its loud, my sister finds it less annoying than the electronic noises of many toys.

      1. Unrelated, but I remembered recently an incident from my childhood where the next door neighbors (also sometime colleagues of my parents) brought over Christmas gifts (all of the electronic instrument variety) for my sisters and me and the guy had the gall to say to my poor mom, “This year’s theme is noise.” How she kept smiling politely I do not know.

        1. I never give a toddler a toy without checking with mom and dad first. Sister gave the ok to the drum.

      3. Hahahahaha – long ago my grandparents gifted us (3 children at the time) a whole set of musical instruments. They were marching-band themed – there was a drum, a xylophone, maybe a plastic flute of some kind? They knew exactly what they were doing.

        1. My brother and I used to compete for the noisiest and messiest gifts to each other’s children. It was a fun few years.

    3. Depending on their tolerance level, a harmonica? Kiddo has loved hers basically her whole life. They make baby bongos that are really fun and the sound isn’t too terrible. Melissa and Doug likely have some cute things. Shakey toys, like maracas or rattles or rain sticks can be fun. Kiddo had some bracelets with bells on them that were a huge hit. A xylophone? They make some cute sturdy kid guitars, though he’s probably a bit young for that yet. They’ll all be annoying, but I found the ~acoustic~ annoyances better than the electronic ones.

      There are books that have buttons that make sounds… I hate them, but more because I generally think they’re mediocre books. In non-musical books, anything with flaps that open or other interactive things. There’s a series by Lotta Nieminen called “Cook in a Book” that’s delightful.

      Kiddo had some nesting blocks with animals on them — like the biggest is 10 and has the number 10 on one side and 10 chickens on another side, and then 9 with 9 lemmings fits inside the 10 box, etc. etc. It’s fun because there’s so much you can do with them! Stack them and knock them down! Put the tiny one in the big one! Line them up!

      My tolerance for mess is higher than some parents’, but I was looking through pics of my kid at that age, and man did she love messes. Particularly, she loved painting (like the pics are of her in a diaper with her hands (and adorable belly) covered in paint) and anything involving pouring and scooping and dumping. Water beads are fun but require close supervision — but since they come dehydrated, they’re easy to pack! Bath toys like where you pour the water through and the wheel spins or where the buckets have different sizes and types of holes in the bottom or whatever, those last a long time and are fun (Kiddo is 4.5 and still loves em).

      Ha, I’ll stop. I guess I like kids toys.

    4. The Kid played two tambourines until they broke, so might be a hit. The Mozart Cube was a long time favorite as well. Also consider an assortment of kid-friendly CDs – They Might Be Giants, Laurie Berkner, and Recess Monkey are consistent favorites at my house.

      1. +1 on kid-friendly CDs. My kids loved TMBG, Laurie Berkner, Dan Zanes, and many others.

    5. i have 17 month old twins and we recently got them a play kitchen, which they love, though that obviously won’t fit in a suitcase, but their favorite parts are actually the pretend pots and pans and food. they also have a xylophone which they love, but i had to hide the hammer thing that goes with it because they are often knocking each other in the head. Melissa and Doug has some puzzles that make sounds. We have a transportation based one and it is not heavy. Your friend is a nice mom because I explicitly tell people they cannot buy my children toys that make noise :-) .

      1. My son never had a play kitchen but he loved his vegetables that he could chop. They make plastic ones with velcro that come with a knife. At 4, he still feeds the vegetables to his animals. Puzzles are also great. So is playdough and cookie cutters.

      2. OP here: thanks for the recs! I was thinking pretend cooking stuff so its good to know that goes over well. And yes, my friend is a great mom – when she told me to get things that make noise I responded “…are you sure?” but those are the instructions I have. None of my other friends have kids yet so this is all very helpful!

        1. Maybe too late, but my kids have a small ukelele that they have loved since toddlerhood. You can get one on amazon for a reasonable price. Maybe a little big for a suitcase, but such a fun and awesome thing to play with.

    6. Magnatiles, playdough, finger puppets, stacking toys, wooden toy cars or animals.

    7. Mozart Magic Cube. Surprisingly annoying. My kiddos all loved it and we’ve given several as gifts that were well received.

  10. Anyone want to help me think through some kitchen renovations? The kitchen of my new house is functional, but VERY dated. We know we’re stripping the 1980s wallpaper to repaint, painting the cabinets, and installing a dishwasher, but we don’t have enough in the budget right now to do our full planned reno (taking down a load-bearing wall between the kitchen and dining room, installing an island, and moving the fridge).

    There are four additional updates on the table: floors (the existing linoleum is ugly AF); counter tops (white laminate, not in bad shape per se but tired); stove (it’s way deeper than the counter, which looks weird and may end up needing to be changed to allow the dishwasher door to open without hitting the oven door handle); back splash (least necessary but would look nice). Based on back-of-the-napkin estimates, the budget will allow for either the floors or the counter tops, then either a stove and maybe a back splash.

    The floors are the most glaring eyesore, so part of us wants to go ahead and tackle those–but we wouldn’t want them to then get messed up in round 2 of renovations, especially if we’re pulling down a wall and adding an island. That’s probably 3-5 years out, though, which is a LONG time to live with the existing floors. For the counter tops, we could do a nice hard-surface now, but probably not stone–would it look weird to have a neutral hard surface on the counters, if we decided to do a coordinating-but-obviously-not-identical stone slab on the future island? And what we do with the floor would also affect the colors we pick for anything else we’re doing–we like white kitchens, but I wouldn’t want white cabinets next to the dingy off-white floral situation on the floor right now.

    Neither of us have ever tackled a project like this before and we just seem to be going in circles. Help!

    1. I would definitely do the floor now instead of the counters. I’d go with something inexpensive like laminate, knowing that it’s just temporary.

    2. For the floors — temporary and inexpensive solution could be covering the existing laminate with other laminate. My parents did this in their mudroom with large “stone” “tiles” and they look surprisingly good, even going on 10 years later in an obviously high traffic area.

      1. yes, we did this….the wood laminate looks good and is very inexpensive….goes down and comes up easily…replaced it later when we did the full kitchen remodel (this year) with wood look plank porcelain tile – its beautiful

    4. With the caveat that I haven’t priced this stuff out, I’d personally consider whether cheaper materials for the floors and counters will get you where you need to go (may not as labor costs can be a big part of the number) but that would be my starting point. I’d look at cheap tile, like Wayfair on sale in a cool pattern for floors, and new, neutral counters (I even like white Formica) that aren’t an expensive material.

      1. PS – it’s also worth thinking about whether you can stretch your budget now as labor costs tend to be cheaper overall when you bundle work, phasing it out will ultimately cost more

        1. +1 – we went 40K overbudget on our renovation by adding 2 bathrooms, among other things, and I have no regrets. We financed it on 0 interest credit cards primarily and paid it off before we were hit with interest, and I am so so glad we ripped the bandaid off and did it all at once rather than trying to live in the space during another renovation a couple years later (we did this before we moved in, mostly – my husband was still installing baseboards several months later). That said, you should assume your reno will go over-budget anyway…

          If you haven’t already, talk this through with a contractor and get some estimates. There may be potential problems you can’t anticipate, e.g., replacing the counters might damage the cabinets; redoing the floors might necessitate removing the lower cabinets, etc. Our ugly tile floor had at least 3 layers of tile and vinyl tile under it.

          1. 100% this, but one more thought – if you can’t stretch the budget, you can paint counters and seal them so they look like marble (or anything else). Unless you’re a crafty DIY person, this would also be something to ask your contractor about

        2. Was going to say this. We renovated the kitchen in our last house and it was easier and cheaper to just get everything done at once. We hired a contractor who hired subcontractors and so we didn’t have to manage every little step of the process; the primary contractor was responsible for that. It gets really tough to schedule when this gets taken out vs. that; when we’re going to do this vs. doing that, etc. “Ripping the band-aid off” is a good analogy. We took out a home equity loan that we paid off within 6 months. The entire redo – which included new cabinets, new flooring, new countertop, new appliances and painting the walls – cost about 20% less when done all at one time compared to costing out everything separately. The time we were not able to use our kitchen was shorter and I also think we ended up with a more cohesive look, if that makes sense. We sold the house last year and the kitchen was the primary selling feature, so it was worth it in the end.

          1. Yes, agree with this. Living through renovations is not fun, and I’d try to do the whole project at once if possible. It’s also less expensive to do it all at once.

    5. Can you cover the floor with rugs? Alternatively, there are pretty easy stick on floors (I haven’t used them but my sister has and is happy). I think it’s probably not going to work to do your renovation in stages since the end goal is a pretty big overhaul (unless you’re able to fully map it out now). Choose cheap fixes that you’ll like for the next few years but can rip out when you do the full renovation. I think the only thing you can do now that should make it through the full renovation is the stove.

    6. Do the floor, and save the rest of your money. (Unless you need to change the stove to get the dishwasher to work)

      Plain (if old) white counters are fine, and I think you’ll look straight through them once the cabinets are painted. If you spend money on new counters now, it sounds like you’d want to keep them. Which could be annoying when you replace the cabinets in the future, and could stop you from switching up a kitchen layout in the future, if you decide after living there for awhile that a different layout would work better for you.

      For the floors (and backsplash, if you’d like, but I think you can skip this) I am going to recommend something a little crazy: peel and stick vinyl. I know, there are some terrible options out there. But your floors are driving you crazy. There are plenty of decent options that a few hundred bucks and a weekend will make the floor flowers go away for 3-5 years. Then save your money and do your kitchen all at once.

      Something like this: https://www.homedepot.com/p/TrafficMASTER-Taupe-Oak-6-in-x-36-in-Peel-and-Stick-Vinyl-Plank-36-sq-ft-case-WD6841/303855684

      2. We just finished a huge flooring project. The floors are gorgeous but it was a huge, dusty, inconvenient, disruptive process. I would say whatever you do, do the floors now and get it over with. Don’t do a band-aid and then endeavor to redo it in a couple of years.

    7. For floors, you could paint the linoleum with porch paint. It’s a giant PITA but would probably give you the 3-5 years until you replace. Alternately, price out floating laminate that you could just install over the existing floors.

      For backsplash, could you do pressed tin on the wall instead of a tile install? That’s definitely a DIY.

      Then I’d spend the rest of the money on counters and the stove. Shop in advance to know what you want and be prepared to pounce on Black Friday sales. (Some stores will honor their sale prices earlier in the week, worth asking.)

      1. Not OP, but I have cruddy linoleum in my kitchen (and hallway) that I hate and that is dingy from years of wear; I would love to have a different finish on it for cheap. Is that the idea behind porch paint?

        1. Porch paint is great because it stands up to heavy traffic and is designed for outdoor conditions, with minimal maintenance. Prep is key though – you have to use TSP or something else to really get it clean or the paint won’t stick. If you look up covering linoleum with paint there are lots of tutorials online.

    8. Thanks for the suggestions, everyone! I don’t know why covering the laminate with slightly better laminate hadn’t occurred to us but we can definitely do that, since it sounds like it makes more sense to wait for the big reno to tackle a permanent floor solution. I do think the counters will look way better against a decent floor and painted cabinets. My husband is pretty handy (and my FIL has a tile cutter) so I think DIY-ing a cheap back splash is well within the realm of possibility. We’ll check out pressed tin as well.

      Our base budget is not flexible and we are not willing to take on debt for this, so while I understand the upsides to doing the whole project at once, that is not the right choice for us.

    9. Having just finished spending $325k on home improvements over 2 years, I’d recommend you do neither and put the money you save into accelerating the full Reno. I’m not sure a new floor would do much except make the counters look more tired. And if you buy a stove now, will it work in the new layout? If not it’s just a waste if the stove gets tossed in 3 years.

      If you are going to pick one, I’d rip out the floors and put down stick on tile, like high end Armstrong. Cheap, easy and easy to remove. Wood laminate would be ok if you are going to DIY but again, you’ll have to rip it up in 3-4 years so it would really be a lot to have someone else do it.

    1. You know, I went to a women’s college and my college friends do not do this. None of us our husbands don’t text us like this, we don’t lay out clothes for the kids to make daddy’s life easier. Just, no. But my law school friends sure do and I loathe it. Half of them are stay at home moms only 8 years out, several claim to be working but we all know they aren’t, they coddle their husbands and their marriages are unequal and struggling.

      I view this as fully a feminist issue, and my most confidently feminist friends are much happier with their lives.

      1. That’s really interesting. I’m in a moms group with a bunch of feminist academics and the ‘useless husband’ trope is less common than among my non-academic mom friends.
        My husband and I agreed early on to play to our strengths. I’m a thinker and planner and he’s a warm, calm doer of things. Researching things and planning things, that’s me. Staying home with a sick kiddo, doing dishes, doing errands, that’s on him.

      2. Just an FYI that some women choose to stay home with their kids because they find it fulfilling. There’s nothing anti-feminist about choosing to do that. And the idea that “several claim to be working but we all know they aren’t” drips with sexist assumptions and judgment. Hardly feminist.

      3. Not all of my law school friends are like this, but there are more than a few who are astonished I am “allowed” to go out to the movies on my own if I need a break from my kids and even (gasp!) go on a short trip with my college friends. And I totally judge them for buying underpants for their husbands.

        That said, if I’m not laying out the clothes, I don’t get to complain that the kid is wearing a doll’s dress under a t-shirt that’s on backwards. Or clean pajama pants and a Disney princess gown.

    2. Yeah, I’d turn off my phone. My husband and I occasionally text each other questions – how old are these veggie balls, have you seen bunny but it’s pretty 50/50 and the assumption is that nothing is urgent.

      1. This is so wholesome. I am imagining a cute bunny planning and executing its escape plan and running around in your house!

    3. My husband is incredibly self-sufficient. In fact, I’m looking for ways to take on more of the load after pregnancy and postpartum are over.

    4. I think I’m in the minority because I just don’t have issues like this with my husband. We don’t have kids so I guess that makes it easier.

      1. OP here and same, but if it did happen, I would lose it. I can’t imagine being interrupted on a weekend away for “where are kid’s pants.” Just…no.

        1. These examples are just beyond. They seem to go past lazy and incompetent to passive-aggressive.

          2. Men have been using this strategy for generations. Act so stupid that it’s easier for your wife just to do everything herself. A big problem with “modern” men is that they still do this, possibly without even realizing it, then they complain that you are bossy and controlling because you “insist” on doing everything yourself.

          3. Bingo! And the thing that is so infuriating is that there’s not really any way around it — if you have one of these men you are pretty well scre*ed. He’s either acting in good faith or he’s not, and if he’s not, you’re out of luck.

          4. “He’s either acting in good faith or he’s not, and if he’s not, you’re out of luck.”
            Sorry to disagree, SA, but not true. As long as divorce exists, women stuck with juvenile, irresponsible men will never be out of luck. It’s better to be divorced than put up with this kind of foolishness from a grown man who knows better.

          5. Well, yes. Great point.

            Signed,

            Divorced two of those guys before finding Mr. Acting In Good Faith

          6. +1 to Anon at 11:26. Once (before kids) when I was going away on a business trip, my husband cut his finger while trying to make himself dinner. They had to sew the tip back on. He’s never cut a vegetable since (and I’m the idiot who complacently allowed this). This was five years ago.

          7. I agree. If I ever find a husband to marry, I will make sure he is NOT like this jerk, who sounds alot like my ex, doing nothing, and then claiming he is doing everything at the same time. I think I would not marry a schlub like this, even if he could be a financial provider, as I want a PARTNER, who can be trusted to go out shopping, change the baby’s diaper, and be mindful of my needs, both in and out of the bedroom. That is NOT to much to ask, particularly if I am going to be the one to carry his child for 9 months.

      2. I don’t have this issue with my boyfriend, and I did make sure so assess his ability to function as an independent adult before we moved in AND made it clear to him I wasn’t interested in being any man’s maid or mommy, but I knew this because I’d lived with male roommates who did next to nothing around the apartment and I felt like I was running the household myself, and unfortunately I didn’t recognize the problem until I was emotionally exhausted and done with it all.

    5. Yes, I would have turned off my phone. After texting my husband “Hey pal, not sure about your question but you are smart and capable and I know you can figure this out! Thanks!”

      When I read the paragraph about the husbands texting their wives about extremely basic things like “do the kids need to eat lunch” the first thought that came to my mind was: learned helplessness. These husbands have learned how to be useless and that is somehow being reinforced for them as acceptable behavior. If you do everything for your kids and your husband, they will not develop resiliency and creative problem-solving skills and learn to fend for themselves. And this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I honestly think some women set up this situation because at some root level, they like it. They like being the one everyone depends on. They like being the one with all the answers. Until the burden starts crushing them and then they don’t like it any more, but by then it’s too late.

      In other cases, I think it’s a situation that develops because women don’t want to rock the boat and so they allow unacceptable conditions to develop and continue. I have wondered if at the root of that situation, some women think they are lucky to be married (and so don’t want to “drive the guy away”) or feel like if they ask for things or express needs then that means they aren’t capable and can’t handle their life? Neither of those things are true. Men choose to get married and generally are involved in the choice to have children and need to own those responsibilities. And the whole “superwoman/supermom” thing perpetuated by the media is a myth.

      I’ve said this here before but so much of this “division of emotional labor” stuff is about communication and boundaries. We started those conversations before we even had kids. Who will do the drop-off and the pickup? What happens if the person doing the pickup has to work late? Who will be responsible for packing the diaper bag for daycare? Some of the things we pre-negotiated worked out and some had to be re-negotiated but communication was critical. We did have to have some “crucial conversations” at times when I felt like too much had been dumped on me, but we always managed to course-correct. It’s an ongoing process, not a set-it-and-forget-it situation.

      I also think a big part of this is women doing too much and doing things that don’t need to be done. You don’t have to do weekend playdates if the kid is in daycare all week playing with other kids. You don’t have to homemake/handmake the snacks for Snack Day. Not all outfits need to be perfectly coordinated. You don’t have to have your kids in a zillion after-school and weekend activities. Some of the things that upper-middle-class white mothers (disclosure, I am one) seem to think are mandatory are very much optional. Don’t make things harder on yourself than they already are! Real life is not what life looks like on Pinterest or Instagram but I think some women chase that, to their own detriment.

        1. Whoops, I posted too soon, but was going to add that I read an article about this book as well and it had this excerpt:

          “As Rodsky began to mull over her situation, she began a “shit I do” list. The list, in actuality, was an Excel spreadsheet that had 98 tabs and more than 1,000 tasks that Rodsky performed between household and caretaking demands. Being the “she-fault” emotional and home labor provider was taking its toll. She sent the list to her husband, eager to share her breakthrough and find a solution. He sent back an emoji of a monkey covering its eyes.”

          Her husband sounds awful, but more than 1,000 household and caretaking demands? That’s inventing work. It really is.

          1. Totally agree. I would hazard to guess a third to a half of those 1000 tasks could be cut pretty easily and likely no one would notice but her.
            Blunt honesty: it sounds like the author of the book married a loser. I’m sorry she didn’t choose a better husband and father for her children. That’s my primary piece of advice, as one working mother to others: choose the right person to have kids with. Don’t have kids with a man-baby who can’t handle his own sh*t. It’s better to be a straight-up single mom if the alternative is being a married single mom.

      2. Heartily agree with your last paragraph. We opt out of organizing weekend playdates, extracurricular activities, homemade treats for school (I think they’re not allowed anyway), coordinating outfits (except on picture day), etc. A lot of the “emotional labor” the author of the article listed seemed *extremely* optional to me. My emotional labor is like…schedule kids’ dentist and doctor appointments and buy them new clothes when they outgrow the old ones. It’s a much, much shorter list than most of my friends’ have and it’s not all because my husband is an equal parent, although he is.

      3. “And this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I honestly think some women set up this situation because at some root level, they like it.”
        I do wonder if this is part of it. When my kids were younger, I’d come home from a work trip or girls weekend and see happy kids and a clean house, and I’d find myself thinking: “well, I guess they don’t need me…”. Then I realized how awesome it was, and got over it. But I definitely had to consciously reject these thoughts.

        1. So I’m a new-ish mom (4 months in) and was looking through some of the “community forums” on the What to Expect app last night looking for an answer about a random dry skin patch behind one of my baby’s ears. Anyway, I came across a post with the title “br**stmilk or formula”? Intrigued, I opened it, because I am currently combo feeding my son and wanted to see what someone else was saying on that topic. However, it was actually a conversation among moms about how they didn’t want to do anything but directly b-feed their kids (not just no formula, but also not evening pumping) because even seeing their own husbands feed their child a bottle was heart wrenching to them. These women wanted to be the only way their child got food (needed to be needed almost?). To each her own, but this might be where that situation starts for some women.

          1. Friend, run far far away from those women (and those forums). Nothing good comes from that insanity.

          2. Yes, this. It’s not about the kid; it’s about them.

            Im.expecting my first, and I cannot wait until my husband can have more of a connection with our son. Part of the reason I married him is that he was born to be a father, and having him.as my husband is a gift to out child.

      5. Your last paragraph is great. My most miserable mom friends are the ones running around handmaking Valentine’s Day cards, squeezing in the pumpkin patch/hayride while running between soccer/dance/karate/music lessons and making the baby’s food from scratch. Life is short and childhood is even shorter. Our kids want our time, not Instagram-able moments.

          2. Yes, and it’s sort of like putting an expensive statement handbag on a credit card: how people who don’t actually have that life will mimic the status.

            I know people who are CEOs, on the Federal Reserve, work directly under (insert famous name here), and they never complain about how haaaard balance is in their lives. But find your nearest part-time or 9-5 mom with a breadwinner husband in a nice suburb and a huge house, and it’s nothing except how no one can ever understand how much pressure they are under. Btch please. Just be thankful for the amazing life you have.

          3. Well, of course the CEOs don’t complain about work-life balance. They have SAH spouses, nannies, housekeepers, and gardeners.

      6. I also rolled my eyes to “do the kids need to eat lunch.” I don’t know, buddy, read a room.

        1. I’m going to throw out a guess that “do the kids need lunch” is ACTUALLY asking “Do *I* have to make them lunch or are you going to be home in time to do it so I don’t have to”. Do they need lunch *from me* was really the question.

          1. +1. YUP! He’s really asking if *HE* has to do it…. or if someone is going to come in to rescue him from the awful task of feeding his own children. smh.

      7. I agree. Even on the moms page, which is comprised almost entirely of working moms and you’d think would be sort of a respite from the Pinterest Mom thing that’s so rampant among SAHMs, I’ve been surprised to see questions like “What cute and creative gifts are you giving daycare teachers this holiday season?” Just give them cash/gift card! That’s what they really want, and it’s easiest for you. Not everything in life has to be Pinterest-y, but a lot of women don’t get that. I think men are generally way better at taking these kind of shortcuts when parenting and it doesn’t make them lazy or bad dads.

          1. I am a mom but don’t spend much time on the Moms page (or any mom page) for that reason.

    6. My friend’s husband was really bad about this kind of stuff when their kid was first born. He’s gotten a little better, but it used to enrage me and our other close gf. He’s an adult. Who can take care of himself. Let him figure it out!!!! The kid is not going to die if it has to wear clothes/food, etc. picked out by dad. Drives me NUTS.

    7. Wow, this excerpt is not reflective of my or my friends’ experiences at all. I’d be really annoyed if friends canceled lunch plans because their husbands could not find a pair of pants or determine whether to feed their own children lunch.

    8. I have a kid and that’s crazy to me. My husband is actually more of the primary parent (his pat leave was longer than my mat leave, so we established that early and never broke from it). Most of my friends’ husbands do a lot less than my husband does, but still aren’t texting them constantly like this when they’re briefly out to lunch with their own friends. I will say most of my friends are unwilling to take girls trips because they don’t believe it’s fair to their husbands to stick them with the kids and household responsibilities for a few days but are fine with their husband taking golf trips. That would really irritate me. My husband travels for a work a fair amount and frequently suggests I take a spa day or a few days mini-vacation by myself to make up for all his work travel…and I think everyone would agree that a work trip and a golf trip aren’t really equivalent.

      1. Your friends make me sad. When I hear stuff like that, that they don’t think it’s fair to burden their husbands with care of the family but are perfectly fine with that burden on themselves while he gallivants, that is such a shining example of how women don’t love themselves enough to even demand fairness in their own marriage.

        1. +1. This is a huge issue in my own friendships right now. I would love to take a girls’ trip, but my friends always use their husbands/kids as an excuse for never making things happen. Always with lots of sighing and complaining about never getting to do anything. But their husbands — and mine — go on guys’ trips several times a year. Usually together. It enrages me. Not my marriage, not my business, I guess, but their choices effectively limit mine.

    9. I get occasional questions from my husband about where something is or what pants match with a particular shirt for our daughter. This is my fault though because early on I made comments about how what he picked out didn’t go together. I should have left it alone haha. But if I didn’t answer him he would just figure something out. He would never ask whether the children needed to eat lunch and would just feed them on his own. But I do feel like I do the majority of the emotional or mental labor. He will do whatever I ask him to do, but might not think of it otherwise.

    10. My friends and I are still years away from marriage and children but reading that article my immediate response was “no effing way”.

      If my future husband ever asks if the children need lunch or blames me for a canceled park visit because pants can’t be found, I would lose it.

      My parents have a marriage that is probably more equal than most. My dad was a super involved father, he cooks dinner 90% of the time, etc and works 6 days a week most weeks (blue collar and financially can’t turn down OT) whole my mom is a teacher and has more downtime. But there is still so much that happens that makes me turn to my mom and say “why do you put up with that?”

    11. Foof, those husbands, what? It strains credulity that a parent would not know how to find pants for his child. Now, if the parent is an a-hole and wants to punish his spouse for daring to take a morning off, and is pretending to be unable to find pants as some power play… well, yeah, sorry, the pants are a red herring.

      1. It’s not that he doesn’t know how to find pants, it’s that he doesn’t want to know how to find pants.

      2. It seems like that might be happening since the husband said in an accusatory tone “guess we’re not going to the park because you didn’t leave me any pants.” It’s infuriating to even read that as a non-involved person!

      3. My dad is a little like this when it comes to cooking. He can never find anything in the kitchen when he’s cooking. But he does the dishes and knows where everything goes when he unloads the dishwasher. How can you NOT find the spoons when YOU put the spoons away last night? Answer: Because he doesn’t really want to be the one cooking.

        He was a good, not helpless, dad though.

  12. I want to get my husband a new suitcase for his birthday. He’s been envious of my four-wheel spinner for a while, so I know it definitely needs to have four wheels. He travels often for work and only ever uses a carry-on, so it needs to be on the large size of a carry on. He also prefers soft suitcases to hard cases. Any recommendations? I am open to Tumi/Briggs so long as the branding isn’t obvious. Briggs looks pretty non-obvious to me but in travel circles is it easily identifiable? He wouldn’t want that. TIA!!

    1. FYI, four wheel spinners can be rather annoying to bring through airports as carry-ons. They need to be pushed next to you, rather than pulled behind you.

      1. My four wheel spinner suitcases all have fully moving/swiveling wheels so I can either push it beside me on all four wheels, or pull it behind me on just two wheels. Just be sure your wheels have that functionality and you should be good!

      2. No, they don’t. They can either be pushed or pulled. I find them a lot easier to use than standard two wheel bags. I have the Away.

      3. I disagree, I pulled my four wheel spinner behind me many a times with no problem. And it’s so much easier to direct through an airplane

      4. I have a hard shell 4-wheel spinner that can easily be pulled behind me (or pushed next to me, whatever I prefer). I have yet to encounter a spinner that doesn’t do both.

      5. I don’t think spinners are more difficult to pull, but the wheels do take up a lot of space and reduce the interior capacity.

      6. First of all, they absolutely can be pulled behind you, and second of all, I find I much prefer pushing it beside me anyway.

      7. The best thing is when you can just push it and it rolls through the airport by itself (or even ride it!). Yes, I am five years old.

    2. I have a soft Kipling with four wheels and it’s great. Mine is the next size up but I believe the large carry on would work for you too.

    3. I love, love my Tumi suitcase, but it is hard-sided. They have some soft-sided ones that I have heard good things about, but no personal experience. I find Tumi to have very minimum branding, like one small 2 inch by 4 inch patch, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

    4. I have a soft-sided TravelPro spinner that I am obsessed with. I travel frequently, including internationally, and it’s held up wonderfully well.

  13. I had a dream last night that I was shopping and found a cute red blazer that fit me like a dream and was on sale. And now that I’m awake I want one! Has anybody seen any red blazers recently?

    1. I got a really nice one at Marshall’s over the weekend, Philosophy brand. It’s more of a blue/red. But it fit me so great.

      2. + philosophy. I had a black one I loved that fit so well with dresses, also purchased randomly at Marshall’s. I am looking for a new one and would buy again in a second if spotted.

  14. Are there any Americans here who moved to Canada? I currently live in Seattle and work for a law firm, but I’m contemplating an in house job in Toronto. I’m wondering how different it may be for us and whether I’ll get the ex pat experience that I am kind of seeking. I have kids in elementary and middle school and I’ve wanted them to live somewhere different. Spouse works in finance and thinks he can fine a job in Toronto pretty easily. Does anyone here who has made this kind of move have any advice or suggestions or cautionary tales? FWIW, we don’t have any extended family near here or there so that’s not a factor.

    2. I’m not an American so I can’t share any experiences about moving to Toronto, but I am a Toronto based lawyer, so if you have any questions about that feel free to ask away.

    3. Honestly, as a dual US/Canada citizen and having lived around North America, there is more of a culture difference between rural SEUS and Seattle than Toronto and Seattle. There are subtle differences culturally (more hockey, less football; french not spanish class), but for the most part it is your standard large metropolitan area. As with NYClawyer, I’m not sure what the “expat experience” you are looking for is.

      1. Agree with this. I have a very good friend who lives in Toronto (an American with a Canadian husband), and from my visits and talking with her about her experience, it seems quite similar to many metropolitan areas in the US.

  15. Hi all, I’m the anon who asked about converting to Judaism yesterday. I didn’t have a chance to respond in the thread but wanted to thank everyone for their insight – it prompted a really great conversation last night. I was a bit surprised by his question because he gave no inclination of being religious before. He acknowledged that it was more of a cultural thing and that he had always kind of assumed he would marry someone in his community but was really falling for me. He said it wasn’t a dealbreaker if I’m not, but he was still thinking about what this would mean for him. He’s definitely Reform, although some of his extended family sounds more conservative. We had an interesting talk on what it would mean, and I mentioned celebrating the cultural aspects of Christmas with kids for example (thanks to the commenter who brought that up!) It’s given us both a lot to think about, but we had open talk and reinforced how much we like each other and otherwise have very compatible values, so we are proceeding on that basis for now :)

    1. Sounds like the best possible outcome! Congratulations. You two are handling this very maturely and it sounds like you are being thoughtful and respectful of each other, while acknowledging that feelings that are developing.

  16. Second relocation question of the day: Has anyone relocated to Singapore?

    DH is seriously entertaining an offer there with a rather competitive pay bump, and I’m an in-house lawyer with a not-so-great work-life balance (mostly 50-60+ hour weeks, dealing with general corporate matters and M&A) but a short commite. Our current HHI is currently around $400k gross, and I expect that even with the HCOL in Singapore we will come out ahead financially (which is why we are consideeing the move, in addition to wanting to experience life in another country), although I’m not at all sure what the market is like for attorneys in Singapore. We would be there for a minimum of 5 years if we made the move.

    We’re also in our mid/late 30s and planning to try for kids in the next few years. Any advice on lifestyle, childcare, education, career, healthcare, or any other issues I’m not thinking of? For context, we currently live in a M/HCOL city with public transportation, dine out a lot as DINKs, and don’t drive a car, though I expect adding kids into that mix will change things whereever we are, and both of us have some chronic back issues that are costing us some $$ and much time waiting around in the healthcare system and physiotherapy/yoga/massage/pilates/personal training costs.

    1. Assume that you won’t work. Does it make sense to move if you can’t get a job? Do you want to be a housewife?

      1. No, I don’t want to be a housewife. I’m planning to work, but not in a law firm setting. I speak a mainstream Asian language so I *think* I can land an in-house job with 8 years’ experience, although maybe not at the seniority / pay level I necessarily want.

        1. Unless you have Singapore or other Asian legal experience already, I wouldn’t assume you can find a job. US legal experience isn’t that helpful abroad

          1. Agree with the caveat that there are at least a couple of US law firms there, so if you would be interested in a firm job, you might be able to get one.

    3. “We’re also in our mid/late 30s and planning to try for kids in the next few years. Any advice on lifestyle, childcare, education, career, healthcare, or any other issues I’m not thinking of?”

      Do you actually want kids (kids, plural), or do you think you should want kids and are therefore making noise about having them?

      If you actually want kids, plural, then you need to ditch the Singapore gambit, park your butts in your jobs wherein you have a lot of capital built up (not to mention guaranteed leave and accrued vacation), and develop a plan to conceive soon. But I strongly suspect that you don’t actually want kids, so don’t factor this in.

      1. “If you actually want kids, plural, then you need to ditch the Singapore gambit, park your butts in your jobs …..” Why? Because that’s what you did? Sorry you made the boring choice and are angry that others might not.

        1. My life isn’t boring and I’m not angry. I’m laughing my head off at the idea that a 35 or 36 year old woman wants to have kids “in the next few years.” If she actually wants kids, it needs to be a priority now and not in 2023.

          1. Not the OP but how is this any of your business? She asked about life in Singapore not whether she should have a kid or 10 kids. BTW – welcome to 2019 – she could have frozen embryos or be paying a surrogate or adopting – in which case it doesn’t matter if she has kids at 35 or 43. I agree with OP – sounds like you resent your boring life and kids.

          2. Wow, this is incredibly judgmental. Some people want kids but don’t want to have them right now, regardless of their age. That is ok. If it’s not what you would do, fine, but it’s not something to ridicule her. Fwiw, I felt that way until 33 (which I would call mid-30s). By 34, I was more ready so I had a kid. If I hadn’t started wanting a kid at 34, I would have waited until 35, 36, etc. There’s no reason that’s an objectively wrong choice and you need to take several seats.

        1. Haha! I’m sure the Singaporeans multiply themselves somehow. Probably by having babies.

    4. Singapore is actually a great place to have kids (before they become teenagers, that is). My parents relocated there when I was in college. The average middle class family in Singapore as at least two part-time maids or one full time maid. Most families have a maid doing the cooking/chores, and another one helping with child care. This is because labor is super cheap compared to the US. A high powered female executive there once told me that she suspected the reason why Singaporean women make the highest income compared to women in all the other Asian countries is because of the cheap labor cost (supplies by women from the Philippines). So if you’re comfortable with that, then Singapore is a great place to have young kids. However, it’s not the best environment for teenagers. I spent some time with Americans who grew up there and noticed that they seemed to be a lot more entitled than Americans who grew up in the US. Something about the Singaporean culture (where their colonial history lends itself to a kind of white worship) tends to lead to an inflated ego, not conducive to raising well-adjusted teenagers.

      As for finding a job, it was actually super easy for me to find a job there than in the US. If you went to an Ivy League school, they really worship that over there. Not sure about law firm jobs, but in-house jobs would be really easy to find.

      1. Thanks to all those who commented! That money diary was…scary. I worked for a large Asian (but not Singaporean) company’s legal department for a couple of years because I speak the language and also did part of my undergrad on exchange in said Asian country. I have a graduate degree from aT5 Ivy law school (not that it makes me a standout by any means, but I’ll play, to the extent that it matters for getting a job), the combination of which, together with the large number of multinational companies legal job postings on Linkedin, makes me fairly confident that I can get SOME kind of legal job.

        We’re mixed raced (I’m ethnically 3/4 Asian but not Chinese, and DH is caucasian), so not sure how the racial / cultural dynamics would play into work / raising kids. Not a huge fan of the long hours in Asian countries but it’a not like I have an amazingz situation in that regard currently.

        1. We did an ex-pat posting for two years in Europe and my entire circle was career ex-pats who move every 2-4 years. With no exception, they all said Singapore was their absolute favourite. I only knew them through kids’ private school. They all had kids, they all lived every minute of their time and often were desperate to get back. Their SOL was super high, life was great. My husband’s cousins also spent high school there and still rave about 35 years later.

        2. I say go for it, especially if the offer your DH has is enough that you don’t need to scramble for a job, and can spend time getting to know the country and finding a job you’ll really enjoy.

    2. Thank you for the heads up!!! Just ordered one. Limited sizes left already but this is a great deal.

    3. I am wearing it today! FYI it is a little looser and less stretchy than the original version, but still fine in my regular size.

  18. I’m completely horrified by the news that the Korean man responsible for dark web child p*rnography site was convicted in Korea but received only a 18 months’ sentence (apparently this was at the appeals court, up from a probationary sentence doled out by the district court).

    Word from friends is that the news didn’t even make the headlines in Korea, some of the Korean police were sympathetic to the criminals caught running or using the site consoling them that they were just unlucky to be caught, and the names of the offenders (228 of the 300 something users caught worldwide were Korean, who will likely not serve any time) are not made public to protect their image. A small portion of outraged Koreans citizens apparently started a petition to the government based on media coverage abroad (because there was none in Korea) but have gotten no response from the Korean authorities. Just ugh. I hope the US seeks their extradition to the US. Or something.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/legal-issues/us-south-korea-dismantle-secret-online-network-that-shared-thousands-of-videos-of-child-sexual-abuse/2019/10/16/cdae13c2-eb63-11e9-9c6d-436a0df4f31d_story.html

    1. Since U.S. technology companies — Google, Facebook, Dropbox, etc. enable child exploitation, and not very many people get too excited about it. Facebook is planning to encrypt Messenger, which will dramatically lower the number of reports of child exploitation on the platform. The attitude of these big tech companies is that sure, some really bad people will slip through! But YOUR privacy will be protected, so only WE can mine your data. If child exploitation is an issue you care about, there is a lot you can do right here, right now.

  19. Maybe a strange/gross question, but I smashed my thumb in my shower door (swings open, heavy glass) a few weeks ago and bruised the nail pretty badly. I iced it right away, and it stopped hurting after ~1 day. However, it seems to still be bleeding– the nail is growing and the bruise is migrating up the nailbed, but there’s always fresh blood behind, under the nail, but along the base of the nail, at the cuticle.

    I honestly don’t know what (if anything) to do about it. It doesn’t hurt, and I’m inclined to just keep applying dark polish, and let it grow out. I don’t know what kind of doctor I would see – any ideas/other suggestions?

    1. You may ultimately lose the nail. I dropped something heavy on my toenail a couple years ago, creating a bruise that wasn’t visible because I had dark blue toenail polish on at the time. Several months later, I went to a podiatrist and he removed the old nail. Fortunately, I had a lot of new growth already. I don’t know if a podiatrist can look at fingernails, but it might be worth asking.

    2. I’d start with my PCP, and then maybe a podiatrist or dermatologist based on my PCP’s recommendation.

    3. Go to your doctor! I remember my dad horrifying us kids with a description of … I want to say he heated up a tiny hot thing like a paperclip and poked/burned a hole through a nail and somehow that… something about the blood coming out? Obviously I am not saying you should do this or your doctor will, but rather that doctors apparently deal with this stuff! My dad was a regular family doc.

      1. Eww. Now that I think of it, I’ve actually lost a couple of nails before – I crushed my other thumb while on a school trip in Ireland which led to the nail eventually falling off, and have lost at least two toenails following marathons. I’m more skeeved out about the continuous (apparent) bleeding than about the nail possibly falling off. However, I need to make an appointment with my doctor anyway (for a variety of reasons including a podiatrist referral) so will get on that and just add this to the list of topics.

    4. This happened to me earlier this year after I slammed my finger in the dryer door. I just let it grow out. It looked hideous and inspired me to wear dark nail polish to hide it for several weeks.

  20. I would like to transition from Clinique to Drunk Elephant (that Sephora birthday gift seduced me). I’ve spent far too much time comparing the packages and know that I want to get at least one of the kits while they have them. Anyone have any idea when the next Sephora 20% off sale starts? Or any other suggestions for where to buy this stuff without it being so expensive?

    2. I tried DE earlier this year and have transitioned to The Ordinary because DE was just too expensive for a limited amount of product.

      I’m still working through a bottle of Babyfacial which feels nice but wasn’t worth the $80.

  21. I’m looking at getting an Apple watch. Can anyone comment on their experience with them? I like the idea of being able to know I’m getting texts or calls even if I leave my phone in my purse or briefcase (or in another room when I’m home). I can’t decide though whether I need the watch with the separate cellphone service. I feel like I usually have my phone nearby even if I’m not checking it. Is there a benefit to the cellular service watch I’m not considering?

    1. I had this same question when I was considering getting my watch. I polled my friends who have Apple watches and basically none of them has cellular service on it. I’ve had my watch since the beginning of the month and I’ve never missed the cell service. The range on the watch is pretty good. I can leave my phone on the main floor of my house and still talk/text on my watch while I putter around. My place is 3 stories and 2200 sq ft, for reference. My office building is a different story, though, so ymmv. My building is old and apparently built like a tank; I don’t get cell service, period, in the interior of the building, and I get only spotty service near a window. If I’m more than a few yards from my phone, I lose connection on my watch.

    2. The people I know who went with the separate cell connection are those that like to have it when exercising outside — long runs or rides — so they don’t need to bring their phone with.

      1. This. See my notes about skiing above. I use my watch and leave my phone (or turn it on airplane mode).

  22. I couldn’t tell she was wearing pants at first glance… wow, not the greatest choices for this picture XD

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