Suit of the Week: Theory

124 Comments

1. TJ please!

   Any recommendations for a couple weekend away (July 4th preferably) in the midwest – or driving distance from Chicago? Door County? Lake Geneva? Somewhere in Michigan? And if so, hotel recs, please!

   1. Door County is very charming. I stayed in the Robin’s Nest cottages or something like that, but I think there are B&Bs around, too. Don’t know if it’s driving distance from Chicago (I’m on the East Coast).

   2. South Haven, MI is supposed to be very nice. Also, Galena, IL! Door County is great but will be super crowded over a holiday weekend.

      1. Door County is nice, but it will definitely be crowded that weekend. South Haven, MI is great…go to Sherman’s for ice cream!

2. I’m not against double-breasted but it has to be done just so, otherwise too boxy. Better for outerwear than suit jackets for me as I am quite busty. This example bucks the trend though – with the dropped waist, the double-breasted bit hits more like the structure on a wrap dress or something. Which is cool. It could also create a vintage look if it were fitted tighter, too (like if I tried to wear it :)). But the slouch is definitely modern; it’s like the long cardigan look which, yes, gets paired with shorts…

   1. I’m not against double-breasted jackets categorically, in fact I have one I wear and love, but it’s tricky. To my eye, this one treads some late ’80’s-early ’90’s faux-Armani/Ally McBeal territory. Not my thing, and it definitely misses all of my personal flattery check boxes, but maybe it’s great for someone too young for the trend last time around?

      The db jacket I wear has a low stance and sharply defined lapels, so it’s very waist-defining. Probably terrible on one bustier than me, but it works for my hourglassy pear shape very well. Still, I can only wear it when the weather (outdoors and in) will be comfortable to wear it buttoned all the time.

   2. My personal philosophy was expressed by a co-worker who in 1988 (when double-breasted suits were also in) said “I don’t wear double-breasted suits because I’m double-breasted.” But perhaps if one is tall and thin, then it might work.

3. I think this is a really cool look but in order to pull it off it has to look intentional. Typically I don’t like button ups all the way buttoned but with this jacket I think it looks interesting and helps to make it look intentional and trendy v. dowdy.

   1. I think it looks cool here, but the model also looks like she is very slim and doesn’t have much going on up top – I’m not sure how this would look on someone who isn’t this same body shape.

      1. I don’t think it looks cool at all (and I’m also pretty slim with nothing on top). The only reason it seems cool is because it’s Theory. It looks like a generic Macys or JCPenney interview suit in a nicer fabric.

         1. I agree that it doesn’t look cool at all. It looks like the model accidentally grabbed her SO’s jacket off the hanger this morning.

4. The skirt needs to be a bit shorter for a jacket this long.

   1. It’s a bit dowdy. I just retired a suit with a similar cut that I haven’t worn in 5 years or more.

   2. I bet her fingernails shine like justice.

5. I need some advice on how to cope during times when you feel you have nothing in your control. Last two years have been very difficult for me career wise and family wise and last six months were worse.

   I had a big set back in my career few months back and I have not been able to come to terms with it. The threat that my manager created due to which I had to leave that job turned about to be a false threat and happened due to my them manager’s incompetence. It was almost like every thing that I did to get to my dream job for last three years was wasted and I had to take a job which was not really what I wanted to do long term just to be able to retain my work visa in a location where I didn’t want to live as it was very difficult for my husband to find a job there.I had just started interviewing in the city where we both could have good jobs but I couldn’t continue. I am going to be here for atleast next two years as I feel like I just used my current manager to my advantage if I leave before that. However, this job will not take me to where I want to be.

   My husband lost his job for things totally out of his control and he had to move to a different city for his new job where I would have taken a new job if I didn’t have to accept my current job. In his last job, it was a long commute for him every day, but at the end of the day, I could at least see him and I felt like we were living together. Now we get to be together only on the weekends.

   Relationship between me and my husband was very stressed.It is getting better but the distance has made it difficult.I feel horrible that I couldn’t find a job in a city where we both could have had good careers and worked on our rleationship.

   I am in my early thirties and my husband in mid thirties and we don’t have children and I have no idea if/when we will be able to have them. It causes me lot of stress and I pretty much think about having children 24*7 and just feel incredibly sad.

   I try to remind myself about the positive things I have. I try to not think too much about everything that is going wrong and just take one day at a time. I am doing anything that makes me feel like I am doing something to make my life better even if it is like eating healthy and try to get a 2 – 3 mile walk every day. I will join Yoga class starting next week.I try to go beyond what is necessary to do at work just to make me feel like I am doing something. Whatever I do, I cannot help but feel so out of control and helpless. I also feel like things are so unfair though intellectually I agree that life is unfair and people are in worse situation than what I am in. I just feel depressed some times and lonely. I think I want to go to therapy just to be able to talk to some one. I have been in worse situations before and sometimes I tell myself just to allow this difficulty too will pass and things will be better again. I am writing it here as I believe that I am not in an unique situation and people have had it worse and I am hoping of getting some advice on how people managed it.

   1. Ok so basic stuff:

      1- you do not have to stay in your current job two years. That is absurd. Your current manager is not running a charity. If they needed you to stay two years they could have had you sign a contract. Start looking immediately.

      2- yes therapy! Next week! You’re so right to be considering it.

      3- early 30s? Yeah yeah we all know that 35 is the “magic” age but lots and lots of people have kids after that. You aren’t doomed.

      1. Just want to add that yes people do manage to have kids over 35, it’s not all doom. Also appreciate that you do have a marriage to still work on, some people’s relationships disintegrate at times of crisis. I have lived through that kind of experience. If kids come later on, enjoy the experience and if they don’t, appreciate the time you have with your husband, sometimes you can’t have everything.

   2. I’m in almost the exact same situation and was just coming here to post about it. People are all getting promoted closer to me and there is no path forward for me right now, but I’m not in a position to leave at the moment for family reasons. I don’t have a lot of advice but I commiserate.

   3. I agree with everything anonymous above said, but I’d add that you might be too fixated on having everything “perfect” before having kids. Sure having a baby when you’re very young, haven’t finished your education, don’t have a job, aren’t sure your relationship is going to last etc. is not a good idea. But if you’re in a good marriage and have a job, people have babies and they figure out the details. I’d definitely advise talking with a therapist before diving into babyland in your situation, but it might be that you’ve put having a baby up on a pedestal and are now convinced you’ll never be in that perfect place in your life.

      1. Someone very smart told me, ‘You never have enough money and it’s never exactly the right time to have a baby. You get pretty close and then you figure it out.’

   4. Regarding the job: Make an effort to network as much as possible. The other poster is right, something else could open up before the 2 years are over. In the meantime, do the best job that you possibly can.
      Relationship: Make the best of the weekends you have with your husband. When you are apart, do thoughtful things for each other e.g. send him something that lets him know you are thinking of him.
      Therapy: if you can, find a good therapist. Talking to a friend/friends who will understand what you are going through or just listen can also be helpful.

   5. If you think you want to go to therapy, then therapy is probably a very good idea.

      You do not have to stay in your job 2 years. If you aren’t up for interviewing more right now, take a break, but don’t stop looking altogether just because you think you owe your current employer.

      Have you and your husband discussed cities you’d be willing to live in where you could both get jobs?

      Is it an option for one of you to quit your current job and move to the city where the other spouses works and look exclusively for a job in the city where your spouse is? And be unemployed (or underemployed) until you (or he, if he’s the one who quits and moves) finds a career path job?

      If your work visa is limiting the type of jobs you can accept, have you looked at other options for transitioning to a different type of visa that would still allow you to work, but wouldn’t limit you as much in the type of job you’d seek or the number of hours you’d need to work. It may not be an option for you, but it might be worth looking into if you haven’t already. Maybe talk to an attorney who handles immigration matters beyond work visas.

      Yoga is good. Walking is good. Keep doing things to take care of yourself.

   6. Are you stuck in your current job because of your work visa? Because if you aren’t, at least try looking for work near your husband’s job. It may not pan out, but it may at least make you feel less helpless, and that’s a good place to start. If you find something and your manager is upset, you can honestly say that your circumstances changed when your husband’s job changed.

      Sending internet hugs. It sounds like you’ve gone through a lot.

   7. Sometimes I think about people who were interned in camps during WWII. Some people died just a day or a few days before the camp was liberated. Which is to say that if you stay afloat just a tiny bit longer, something could turn around.

6. Before I started online dating, I saw people here say “it only takes one” but what that implied never really registered. I’m starting to think now it means there are wayyyy more misses than hits.

   I’ve now gone on multiple OKCupid dates and they were all busts. The guys were nice enough, but I felt they all lacked personality. None were particularly outgoing or seemed too comfortable with themselves. And this was after being somewhat choosy in who I messaged with.

   For those of you who have done online dating, how many bad dates did you go on until a good one?

   I’m starting to think the type of guys I go for aren’t on dating sites. Is that crazy? Or potentially the case?

   1. I went on several dud, weirdo dates before I met my guy. I was his very first date. Just like in all situations in life, you never know how things will play out for you, and there’s no normal or average.

   2. That’s crazy. All kinds of guys are on dating sites. What kind of very special guy do you think you’re looking for.

      Also, dozens? Like, you date people until you find someone if that’s your goal. Stop thinking of a first date with someone you describe as “nice enough” as a did. You met a guy! A nice one! That’s the goal of dating. And then you go from there.

   3. How many dates have you gone on? When I was doing online dating, I told myself I’d go on at least 100 first dates before I gave up. Ultimately I met my husband offline long before that, but it kept me from being upset that things weren’t happening faster. Maybe you don’t need to do 100 dates, but it’s probably going to be more than just a handful.

      1. I appreciate this — I’ve had that kind of thought before, and good news! I have not yet been on 100 first dates.

         Ok, back to work, self.

      2. This. I’ve been on more than 100 dates in about 3 years of online dating. It’s exhausting and I think most actually are duds or are just not right for me (but honestly…I feel you, there are SO many duds). I would say that maybe about 20 of those guys were ones I would have wanted to (and in some cases did) go on a second or third date with. I still haven’t found my person, but it’s been helpful in at least sorting out what is most important to me, what I don’t care that much about/am flexible on, and what I do not want at all.

         I’d also suggest trying some other sites. In my city, OKC consisted mainly of men in the entertainment or restaurant service industry, not well-educated men (which is totally fine! Just not what I am looking for in particular). Try some other sites, too. I like Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel.

         1. Excellent point about trying different sites. Each site seems to attract a certain type of people in different geographic areas. They can be so different!

   4. I met 4 or 5 guys from OKCupid within a span of about 2-3 weeks. One of them was my now-fiancé. 1 date was totally creepy, 1 guy was fun but there was no chance of a future, 1 was totally boring. I think there was 1 more but I can’t really remember him. I treated it a bit like a job and met anyone who fit into my somewhat broad criteria.

      My fiancé is the one who messaged me. He didn’t show up in any of my matches. It was a total fluke. I was his first and only person that he met through OKCupid.

      I agree with matched that there is no normal or average.

      1. That’s awesome. I’m jealous that you found him so quickly!

         1. I was single for a decade before starting online dating so don’t be too jealous!

            1. That actually gives me a lot of hope. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been single too long and there’s now no hope for me, but I have to keep telling myself that time spent single is no indication of my ability to find and sustain a long-term relationship. Anyway — Congrats to you and your fiance!

            2. I also was single for a decade before trying OKC. I’m not engaged to the first guy I went out with. I absolutely think I got lucky.

               I have several awesome female friends who have been on various dating sites and have gone out with a lot of different guys and haven’t found their husbands yet. I also know women who were online for about a year before finding the guys they’re now married to.

   5. SOOOOO MANY BAD DATES. I literally have no idea. I online dated for about a year and a half pretty steadily until I met my current, amazing, handsome and thoughtful boyfriend on tinder of all places. I also dated guys I met in person (at bars, through friends etc.)

      There are way more misses than hits. Come up with a strategy – I would only have first dates on weeknights after work and usually just for a drink. That way, if it sucks, you can leave after a drink and you don’t feel like you wasted too much time. I would never change either – the extra outfit just wasn’t worth the effort.

      I totally get how frustrating this process is. And I used to roll my eyes whenever someone says it only takes one but then it happened to me (feel free to roll your eyes at me). Just keep going.

      1. :::eyeroll:::

         jk ;o)

      2. So many bad dates…I got to the point of taking 3-month breaks from dating just to not go crazy. It was that bad in Man Jose where the odds are good but the goods are odd.

         When I was introduced to my boyfriend, I was 6 months in to a 3-month hiatus. We were set up by a mutual acquaintance and neither of us was in a hurry to date.

         I was in such a weird head space from onlime dating that after our first date, I promised myself that I would not settle for anyone less than someone like him ever again. I wasn’t even thinking that a relationship could happen! But it did. There is hope!

      3. I met my boyfriend of almost a year (!!) on Tinder too, after three dates with perfectly okay men who were pleasant enough company for an hour but no one I wanted to spend more time with. Even after my first date with my now-BF, I was kind of like, “Well, he seems okay and he’s pretty hot so I guess we can go on another date?” And then I never looked back after our second date. Sometimes people are nervous on first dates, I guess, and it takes another one for them to mellow out. Again, so cliche, but it only takes one. Good luck!

         1. This was me and my now bf – both of us left the first date thinking “I like him/her but I don’t think he/she is interested.” We both were, of course, just nerves on a first date!

      4. I went on a lot of OK Cupid dates after my last relationship ended. Some were fun, some were a waste of time, but mostly it was a good way to get myself back out there and figure out what I was looking for. There was one profile that really caught my eye and I worked up the nerve to message her and ask her out (I usually waited for other people to message first). She never responded. But, we ended up crossing paths in real life when we met through mutual friends a few months later. We’ve been together for a year now. :-)

   6. Also, maybe consider being less choosy about who you message in the first place? I met my boyfriend on Tinder, which I only started using because I was being crazy judgmental on Match. Initially, I wasn’t SUPER attracted to him, but I’ve really grown to be. He cracks me up and he’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever been with. I know I never would have gone out with if I knew his favorite shows are NCIS and CSI, and that he doesn’t read much. Now, who cares? He has other interests and passions, and he still listens to me when I talk about books — he just doesn’t read them along with me. So anyway, this is all to say, maybe be a little more open-minded about who you might consider going on a date with.

      1. If I had met my current SO online instead of IRL, I probably wouldn’t have messaged him back, because his idea of an opening line would probably have been “Hi. :)” Words aren’t his strong suit, but they are mine, and I thought I wanted someone who was as much a wordsmith as I am. It wasn’t until a couple dud dates with self-styled poets, a guy who admitted only after tons of great back-and-forth text repartee and a great first date that he wasn’t technically broken up with his live-in girlfriend yet, and two dates with a lawyer who argued with me on the correct use of a word and stopped dinner to look up the word on his phone (spoiler alert: I was right), that I realized maybe “good with words” should be my #1 criteria for men.

         1. Thanks for sharing–hilarious. “good with words” :D

         2. Should say “good with words” SHOULDN’T be my #1 criteria for men.

            Clearly “good with words” doesn’t mean “good at proofreading.”

      2. Yes, yes, yes to all of this!

      3. YES. oh my god this. Tinder has its drawbacks, but I can definitely see a scenario where my motorcycle-owning, conservative-leaning boyfriend would have written a profile that I ruled out, to the detriment of the last nine months of my life.

   7. When I was on OKC (like five years ago, I met my now-husband there), I tried to think of it as “the biggest bar in the world.” When you go out to a bar with your friends, you hope you might meet a compatible guy, but mostly, you don’t meet that guy on any particular given night, and typically not meeting a good guy on the first 10 nights out doesn’t mean you don’t go out the 11th night because it’s “too many bad nights out,” right? OKC is the same idea – it’s not a magical ideal-man-delivery system, it just improves the odds over going out to random bars because of the increased volume of guys on the site.

      You’ve had bad dates with what, 5 or 6 guys? I don’t think you can extrapolate from those 5 or 6 that the type of guy you’re looking for “just isn’t there” and my advice would be keep trying.

      Lastly, if all of the bad dates are bad in the exact same way – i.e., you keep attracting unemployed dudes looking for a sugar momma, or something – have a friend (ideally one who has some track record of online dating savvy) take a look at your profile/messaging style, to make sure you’re communicating what you intend to communicate (and aren’t accidentally communicating something you didn’t intend to communicate, like that time when my travel-adventurous friend prominently featured the phrase “up for anything!” in her profile and then didn’t understand why a severely disproportionate number of the messages she was getting were s*xually explicit).

      1. yeah, this too: meeting randomly ‘in the world’ is literally no different than online. Just a different location. I also keep trying to remind myself of that.

   8. I keep thinking the same thing, but then telling myself I am crazy.

      So. Many. Meh. Dates. But, I also met one really awesome guy that I had an amazing time with. He broke my heart, but when I get mad at dating sites, I just remember that he was on there, so there must statistically be at least one more, right? It’s math? (I hope so, because I am bad at math, so I’m trying to believe it.)

      Anyway, thoughts: dating sites are very geographically based. Are you sure you’re on the best one for your area? OKC was the best for my area for a long time, but I’ve heard a lot lately that Tinder had blown up and there are way more people on there who are looking for relationships and not just hookups in my area now, so I’m going to try that again. So pay attention to the news and facebook and make sure you are going where the most people are.

      And I’m not the best to give advice I guess, since I’m still single, and I am not really actively dating right now, but please don’t give up!! Because I am trying to convince myself not to, and I need company! ;)

   9. First date busts- oh, probably 50 over the course of 4 years or so
      1-5 date busts- 10
      5 + date busts (but ended after a few months)- probably 5

      (currently with lovely bf for about 7 months)

      I don’t think dating is a game where you can count how many dates you go on and then expect you must find someone soon. Sometimes it takes longer for some people than others, and it doesn’t have to be anything but just pure luck. I know that might not be what you wanted to hear..

   10. Countless dates over 3 years on Match, OKC, Eharmony, Tinder, and Coffee Meets Bagel. Every single one of them bad. Not one that I wanted to go on a second date with (though I still did for the ones that weren’t actively rude or disgusting, just to give it a chance). My relationships during that time period have come from meeting guys offline through mutual friends and common activities/community groups. It does only take one, and there very well may be someone compatible online, but personally I no longer find it to be the most efficient use of my time. I engage in my hobbies and community interests and occasionally meet guys I’m interested in through that–I figure it’s win-win, because even if I don’t meet anyone at a particular outing, I still enjoyed myself.

   11. Online dating got so bad for me that I signed up for three months of eHarmony for the sole purpose of entertaining myself and my friends with stories of my horrific dates.

       My Facebook page turned into a highlight reel of the, er, “misses.” My friends said that they were going to bring popcorn to read it and used it as their summer entertainment. They even started calling themselves the Popcorn Crowd.

       I went on a date with a man just to find out what was wrong with him. Had no compunction about scheduling our first date on the anniversary of the date my dog died – I mean, it wasn’t going anywhere, right? Three years later, we’re still together.

   12. When I was dipping my toes into dating again after my divorce, I was super discouraged because I wasn’t meeting anybody I wanted to go out with, and then the couple of guys I did go out with turned out to be unsuitable for various reasons. I came crying to Dr. Shrink about it and he said, “Well, MOST men are unsuitable!” Which I thought was true and pretty genius, and for some reason it made me feel a lot better.

       I didn’t do online dating for a variety of reasons (not least of all because my former husband was/is on all the dating sites), which I think turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I feel like I got to skip a lot of the frogs and then when the prince came along he was right there in my Rotary Club. Which is, I guess, a long-winded way of saying I agree with Anonymous at 4:45 that getting out there and doing activities you enjoy is probably the best way to meet men who are more likely to be suitable than random guys on the internet.

   13. Im in a similar boat as you and can attest to all of the advice people have given. Im starting to notice that the majority of the (seemingly happy/well-matched) couples I know have met offline through friends, going out, activities, etc. However, I also know a few couples who after years of unsuccessful online dating found their person as well as someone who went on exactly one date to find their person. So it really is kind of luck/”timing”.

       Nevertheless, what everyone has in common is that they didnt necessarily obsess over it and focused on the other things in their life in the meantime. They put themselves out there whether it be online (ps. it helps to have a few month long breaks in between a string of bad dates IMO so you dont get too discouraged) or doing activities they enjoy/expanding their social network. Just from my small sample size of friends in their 20s the latter seems to be more successful and somewhat less stressful. But most importantly try not to be too hard on yourself =).

   14. In the past 6 years I’ve been on dozens and possibly over 100 dates (I haven’t counted). Most have been eh, with guys I had no chemistry with or interest in. Maybe one out of 5 or 10 ended up being someone I want to go out with again, and of those a few have turned in real relationships… One lasting a year, some others lasting a few months. I’ve met some really amazing people who I really wouldn’t have met any other way (and also some guys I could have — with friends in common, etc.). You really just have to keep getting out there. The most important thing is to not invest too much in a first date… Profiles tell you very little about chemistry, which is either there or it isn’t, and you’ll know in a few minutes. I only do first dates after work, for drinks, wearing my work clothes (although I’ll usually pick one of my cuter work outfits, like a sheath dress), so it’s easy to just leave after that one drink. If I like the guy, I’ll do something more relaxed on a weekend. When I’m actively dating I try to go on 1-2 dates every week (and usually have to message with 5-10 guys for each date). It’s exhausting. But I have a job with crazy hours (Biglaw ftw) so it’s just too hard for me to do the kind of activities where you might meet people (like sports teams, language classes, public service groups). I agree with senior attorney that that’s a much better way to meet people if you can fit it in your life. Oh, and second what people have said about knowing dating sites in your area. Here in nyc, every serious thing I’ve had has started on okcupid, although I am also on hinge and tinder. Good luck! It’s really hard sometimes, but if it works out it will all be worth it.

   15. Oh yes, there will most likely be way more misses than hits! I am probably too choosy about who I meet up with, so I may not be a good example, but even then I have bad dates. However, I have also had good dates and met people I wanted to date and people I wanted to stay friends with. I guess it all depends on how you are defining bad date. I define bad date as one I walked out of. Which I have done three times – dropped money and said yea, this isn’t working, later. I have also been on a lot of dates that weren’t bad, but also weren’t great. Great meaning oh wow I really, really want to get to know this person better. Most of my dates fall somewhere in between – this guy is nice enough and doesn’t live in his mom’s basement, but I didn’t feel a connection with him.

       All of that said, I don’t think I have a type, so I don’t peg myself to only looking for a certain type of guy. If someone looks interesting, attractive (to me), and is funny, I will at least swipe right/message with them to see if my instinct is correction.

       Online dating can be super frustrating, but so can non-online dating. I agree with taking a short break if you are feeling so frustrated by it that you aren’t putting your best foot forward. I went out on a super fun first date on Friday night with a guy I swiped right on while I was not looking and was just using Tinder as an entertainment source. We have a second date tonight and are planning to hang out Sunday as well! :) Doesn’t mean it will work out, but at least it’s fun for now.

7. Ugh, I had a lunch event today with my boss and some other people. Then I got really hungry just now and got out my snack. My boss came into my office and made a bunch of comments about my “post lunch lunch” and about how the sandwich I ate at lunch wasn’t enough. Dude, do not make comments like these! Do not tell someone you think they’re eating a lot. Who says things like that? Now I feel all self-conscious about eating. Plus I have about 20 lbs of post-baby weight I’m working on so not feeling great about someone coming along and commenting on how much I’m eating. Dude, just no.

   1. It’s annoying, but really tons of people make these comments. It’s a way of connecting not a subtle way of calling you fat. Promise.

      1. Agree

      2. Unless you’re that guy over at the Ask a Manager blog the other day who said he makes those comments to “teach” his co-workers about portion size. And he’s just one who admitted to it. I am not so sure they’re usually innocuous.

         1. +1

      3. But it *shouldn’t* be a way of connecting. Connecting is about building a positive relationship with the person you’re trying to connect to. How is commenting on the volume of food someone is consuming doing that? At best, the relationship result is neutral, because the person you’re talking to doesn’t have body-image or food-related issues and is not bothered by your commentary on their eating habits. At worst, you’re talking to someone with body-image or food-related issues (and come on, the vast majority of people have at least one of these issues to some degree, at least in the US), and you’ve now made them uncomfortable.

         Do you want to tell me my sandwich looks delicious? Are you curious about what led me to combine two random food ingredients that you’d never thought of combining? Would you like to know how I make the awesome-smelling chili I brought from home? Cool, let’s talk. But the kind of “innocuous” comment OP described is straight-up food policing, and it’s not an appropriate or acceptable way to bond with another human being, and minimizing OP’s reaction to it by telling her it’s innocuous and that he wasn’t *really* calling her fat is pretty much just you defending a food-policing dumb@ss.

         1. I just don’t think it’s that big a deal. I agree it’s a stupid comment from him, but just move on.

   2. UGH!!! Can we get someone to do a massive PSA campaign focused on two things:

      1. DO NOT talk to people about their food.

      2. DO NOT talk to people about their pregnancy, ESPECIALLY if they have not specifically told you they are definitely pregnant.

      Why are these things so difficult? I just can’t.

      ETA: does anyone want to donate to make this campaign happen? I think if I could raise a couple million I would just freaking do it myself.

      1. I just think there’s a massive difference between casual food chatter and asking if someone is pregnant.

         1. Joking about how much someone is eating isn’t casual food chatter.

         2. I don’t think so, actually. Either way, you’re commenting on something that is none of your d@mn business. Commenting on what someone’s putting in their stomach isn’t really any more acceptable than commenting on the contents of their uterus.

            1. Wait srsly? It’s way way way way worse to ask if someone is pregnant than to make a joke about second lunch.

            2. Seriously, yes. I get why it sounds extreme, but, at least to me, *any* uninvited comment on a person’s body is unacceptable. Saying there’s degrees of unacceptable body comments and that OP should chill out about this lesser example is like saying there are degrees of sexism, so OP should chill because her boss only smelled her hair, it’s not like he slapped her @ss. Sure, @ss-slapping is arguably more inappropriate/boundary-violating than hair-smelling, but at the end of the day, a violation is a violation. If we want the food-policing/body-policing bullsh!t in the world to stop, we need to agree that it *all* needs to stop, not just the parts that are “the worst.”

            3. Yeah I’d def say there are degrees of sexism. I’m much more concerned that my boss not touch my ass thank shoulder.

               I actually think the opposite- if we want really bad stuff to stop we should focus on that instead of expanding the definition of bad to include lots of things many view as incidental that aren’t actually that bad. Over inclusion dilutes the message.

            4. So it’s ok if it’s just kind of sexual harassment? Just a boob grab on a crowded train here and there? It’s not like anyone ripped off your shirt or anything.

               Is it ok if it’s just a little bit of physical violence? Just a slap across the face, as long as no one kicks you in the ribs, right?

               If it’s ok to be just a little bit sexist, it’s fine to pay you $5,000 less than your male colleague, right? It’s not like you’re getting paid $20,000 less, so it’s no big deal.

            5. No, you stop things like this by explaining the over-all concept and how to stop that thinking. Not by picking a couple of individual behaviors and telling people not to do those behaviors without the larger explanation of how it fits into the whole larger problem.

               You don’t say “don’t hold a woman down and r8pe her” but then not bring up date r8pe bc it’s going to dilute the message. You explain what ‘consent’ is and how to change the entire mindset of r8pe culture.

            6. No, you don’t say “don’t make any personal comments even a mild joke about second lunch” when what you mean is “don’t ask me if I’m pregnant.”

               This hysteria in all these responses is exactly the problem. It needs to be possible to acknowledge that a comment isn’t awesome but isn’t horrific without being accused of minimizing date rape.

            7. well you’re putting words in people’s mouths, too.

               I didn’t say “don’t make any personal comments”

               I specifically said don’t make comments about people’s *food* and also separately, don’t make comments about people being pregnant.

               You are determined to prove that I thought they are the exact same thing. I don’t think they are the same thing. I think they are two *different* things that I hate and want to tell people to stop doing for two *different* reasons.

               Don’t talk about people’s food: because fat shaming

               Don’t talk about people’s pregnancies: because bodies are personal.

         3. I’m not saying they are the same thing. I’m saying they are the two things that keep constantly happening that are both unacceptable, and both make me insane. That’s why I called them “two things”

      2. Seriously, I would be so sad if I couldn’t talk to people about food. Granted, I don’t have food issues or body image issues, but I really like food and everyone eats so generally I think it’s an okay thing for people to talk about, kind of like the weather, but a little more personal, without getting too super personal. It makes me lament the state of society sometimes that food has become such a weighted, sensitive topic for so many people (both in people feeling defensive about what they eat, and people judging others for what they eat). You should not in any way feel bad about eating broccoli at your desk! I mean, that’s downright virtuous. You should be congratulated for getting another serving of vegetables into your diet!

         1. Fair enough. I get what you’re saying. I guess it needs to be more nuanced, but I do feel like the current ‘healthy food trend’ has increased the amount of judging people are doing of coworkers and strangers food choices, which is just 100% unacceptable. And then the friend of mine who is dealing with medical issues, and yet the ‘free baked goods in the office kitchen’ contingent in her office are constantly harassing her to “just have one!!!!” of the gross junk food they keep bringing in. I’m just irritated about this issue lately and whinging.

         2. Dude, who is saying don’t talk about food? Just exercise discretion and comment on how something looks good or ask for the recipe instead of commenting on the volume. Seriously, for a site populated mostly by lawyers, people here are apparently really reluctant to consider nuance.

            1. I was replying to a post that literally said, with caps for emphasis:

               1. DO NOT talk to people about their food.

            2. I’ll point out the word “Their”

               Don’t talk to people about *their* food. If you want to talk about *your* food, go for it. As people said above, even positive comments can be hurtful for some people.

   3. Try to think of his attempt to joke around with you and bond, particularly if he used the “post lunch lunch” description. One partner has come to my office several times over the past year and each time said that every time he came to my office I was eating. And he was right. So I joked that I follow the Lord of Rings theory on meals:

      Aragorn: Gentlemen! We do not stop ’til nightfall.
      Pippin: But what about breakfast?
      Aragorn: You’ve already had it.
      Pippin: We’ve had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?
      [Aragorn stares at him, then walks off.]
      Merry: Don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
      Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn’t he?
      Merry: I wouldn’t count on it.

      1. I use this all the time! When I walk to and from work (3.5 miles each way), I have a protein shake before I leave home in the morning, then an 11 a.m. lunch and a 3 p.m. snack. That’s what keeps my energy up throughout the day. Inevitably I draw stares when I eat lunch at 11, so when people ask, I smile sweetly and say “elevenses!” :)

      2. I freaking LOVE this! My husband often refers to “second breakfast” but he’s not a LOR fan-didn’t know where it came from, so thanks! I would personally love to be able to indulge in all of those meals!

      3. I reference this all the time. Usually when eating my second breakfast.

      4. Yes! When my friend/colleague was pregnant, I used to tease her that she ate like a Hobbit.

   4. I don’t think the boss should have made this comment but if you want to lose weight why are you having a post lunch lunch??? Seriously, don’t get mad at the boss when what you are truly upset about is your weight and not him. Clearly, he is not the most tactful person but there is no need to make it look malicious. UGH

      1. Thanks for demonstrating that these comments usually are passive aggressive insults. Nope, you shouldn’t be making fun of your employees for having gained weight. Sorry.

      2. Um, because it was a snack that I had specifically calculated as part of my day? And it was broccoli. Just some cooked broccoli from last night. I just happened to eat it on the early side. Honestly I didn’t mean this to be some kind of grand statement. My boss can be kind of bro-y (or what he thinks is bro-y) and rarely works with women. It’s the kind of comment my husband and his friends would make to each other (only they’d be meaner). He just pulled it off awkwardly. I do think it was meant as a friendly bonding thing but he’s nerdy and awkward and just says things sometimes where I’m like “…huh?”

         1. Let’s see:

            *You were eating healthy, very low calorie food; and
            *He’s friendly, nerdy and awkward

            It’s hard to see how awful intent can be inferred from his comment.

         2. Hugs. I both think this is not a huge deal and completely understand that it’s really upsetting. For what it’s worth, I don’t think being overweight gives anyone the right to comment on what you’re eating negatively or that you need to justify your food choices as healthy.

8. Help! I need kitten heel height shoes for my wedding. My husband to be is my exact height and would prefer that I don’t tower over him for our wedding. I want a slight heel, sandals are okay as long as it has a strap for my heel (I don’t want them slipping off during dancing). Has anyone seen anything like this? No budget restrictions

   1. I got married in the Loeffler Randall Reina last summer and was very happy. Comfortable, stayed on my feet, not too high (they describe them as three inches, but I was in a similar height situation to you and think they were shorter, at least in a size 7).

   2. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/benjamin-adams-london-kitten-heel-pump/3618380?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=1300

      Nordstrom is great for this because you can search by heel height! Good luck, and I promise- there are tons of flat/kitten heel and slight wedge options.

   3. Also, in googling I found this:

      http://www.womangettingmarried.com/kitten-heel-wedding-shoes/

      1. Thanks!!!

   4. Stuart Weitzman Pocos are closed toed.

      I would also look at the online shoe store “Marmi” as they have a lot of really dressy sandals in crazy sizes. Their webs*te is not great, but Van Eli and some of the Italian brands they carry are the bomb.

   5. Not many of these left, but if I were getting married, I would want to wear these: http://us.lkbennett.com/c/Crystal-Mini-Kitten-Point-Toe-Heel/p/SHCRYSTALGLITTERPinkPink%20Ray

      1. Those are great!

9. When you work is less than stellar staff, how do you handle the having to apologize for their mistakes part?

   I work at a large office, and I am the outward facing/client facing role. I do not get to do most things as quickly or as accurately as I want due to volume/how my office is organized (beyond my control as a line attorney)?

   I find myself in the position where some client is angry that something didn’t get done, and I investigate and find out that person y or z didn’t do their part correctly, which means that I have to do it myself or fix it or apologize. What’s the best way to handle those types of interactions with the client?

   1. Stop the mistakes. Srsly. As a client I don’t care what you have to do, this is your responsibility to manage.

      1. If the mistakes are happening frequently and coming to the attention of clients before you become aware of them, and if the mistakes are truly truly truly beyond your control, start looking for a new job where providing competent legal services to clients is a management priority.

   2. If person y or z made a mistake, send it back to them to fix. Volume and how your office is organized is not a reason for you to send out inaccurate work.

10. Sunscreen for your scalp? Is that a thing? Any recommendations? I don’t have a severe part, but my hair does naturally part on the side so the same skin is generally exposed up there. And I’ve had bad flaking burns a couple times in the past few years. Can anyone recommend something more than just slathering icky lotion along it?

    1. Wear a hat.

    2. I use spray sunscreen on my part if I’m going to be in the sun without a hat.

    3. I part my hair on the other side for my commute or any other significant time outside.

    4. Clarins, Aveda, and Frederik Fekkai all make something like this.

       But I do love a hat…! A big floppy ridiculous hat.

11. Out of curiosity – how many of you guys take an actual lunch? I work in NYC, in a non-legal field, but no one takes an actual lunch (we all work during lunch. If anyone has to be away from their desk during their “lunch,” they are expected to send an email letting their team know).

    Just curious after speaking to other employees from other non-NYC offices/non-U.S. offices, this seems to be borderline scandalous. I must admit, I do miss actual lunches… Is this usual for NYC-specifically and across the board?

    1. Lawyer, in-house, large city.

       I eat at my desk most days. My colleagues are largely the same. I probably go out to lunch 1-2 times a month; some of my colleagues go 1-2 times a week.

       I only let my team know that I’ll be out of the office if I’m taking a half-day or a long absence. If I’m coming in a bit late, leaving a bit early, or taking a “normal” lunch break, I don’t (but if I will be gone from 11am-2pm for an appointment, or example, then I’ll give a heads up.)

       1. Contracts analyst, large international company, same as this. Everyone in my group operates this way.

    2. Not a lawyer, large city.

       I am exactly the same as Anon 5:01 pm, except I try to go out closer to once a week, just to get out of the office and mix things up. Fridays are way more relaxed here with fewer meetings, so I usually go then because it doesn’t seem like as big of a deal, but with my crazy early-week schedule, it’d be hard to fit an out-of-office lunch in.

       I do, however, try to run errands or go for walks on the days that I don’t go out to lunch. Even if I’m just gone for 20 minutes, it helps break up the day and take my mind off work stress.

    3. Engineer in NYC and the answer is no, your office sucks. Unless you’re in the medical field (and even then, I have Opinions), this shouldn’t be the case.

       While I find myself skipping lunch often, I am very much expected to take lunch and eat food. Everyday.

    4. Lawyer, large city. I eat lunch at my desk 98% of the time, as do most people in my office. But if you want to go out, you don’t have to say anything in advance unless you’ve got something due, etc.

       1. Same. There are a few people (i.e., nearly-retired practice group leaders) who go out to lunch more, but most of us prefer to get our hours in and go home earlier.

    5. I eat at my desk 90% of the time, but I go out to get it, so minimum of 20 minutes away from my desk (good mental refresher for me to step out). I could go out, but I leave early to pick up the kiddies and have to juggle some people in central / west coast time, so it’s fine. I could eat out more, which would be NBD, but I’d just have to make the time up at night (no thanks).

    6. People think I go out to lunch but instead I go to al anon meetings then eat a granola bar.

    7. Lawyer, boutique firm, mid-size city. We take lunches. We’re encouraged to eat in the lounge with our co-workers, or to use our lunch hour to take clients/colleagues out to lunch for marketing purposes. We’re actually not allowed to eat at our desks.

    8. In house lawyer, small tech company. Most people take lunch every day. I definitely take lunch every non rainy day from April to October outside, even if I’m eating in my car. I refuse to sit in ac for 10 hours if I don’t have to. Otherwise sometimes at my desk, sometimes in the lunchroom. I used to work in the legal dept at one of the Big 4 acct firms, and everyone took lunch every day.

    9. Lawyer, regional “big” firm. I go out to buy my lunch everyday. It is an even split whether I just purchase and return to my desk to eat or eat out, where eating out depends on whether a friend and I can meet up. Rest of my department, every associate eats at their desk every day. Ugh. You can’t pry them away from their desks for anything.

    10. This is crazy. In Asia, we do 45-60 mins lunch. Chance to network internally or connect with folks outside the workplace.

12. I did a first round interview about 3 weeks ago. Should I be following up now? Just say that I am checking in? Part of me feels like if they wanted me they wouldve reached out but I know following up is a thing.

13. Wow–lot’s of off-topic comments here!
    I don’t love this double-breasted jacket as photo’d. I think it looks too big on the model, so maybe it would please my eye more if the jacket actually fit her. I do think double breasted jackets can flatter and this one has great potential because of the placement of the closure. It could really help balance the body if the wearer is smaller on top than on bottom. And it’s an interesting twist on the standard double-breasted closure. Interesting find!

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