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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 345 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Double Layer Front Tee

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. If you're looking for an opaque t-shirt, double-layered tops are always a good bet. This one is $42 at Boden and comes in five colors, including a light and a dark blue — we're featuring the red because that's what's pictured on the model. N.B. that it's available in white as well. So if you're specifically looking for an opaque, 3/4-sleeved white shirt, do check this out. It's machine washable and it's getting good reviews, with customers often commenting on its appropriateness for work. Double Layer Front Tee Here's a plus-size option that also comes in five colors. (It appears a bit more casual than the Boden top — it's hard to tell by the photos alone, but hey, Nordstrom has free returns.) This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Anon

    TGIF!

    Any suggestions for mother of the bride dresses that aren’t…so MOB-ish? It’s a backyard wedding, so satin and silk aren’t required.

    • Anonymous

      JCrew, ModCloth or Antropologie would be my go-to shops, without a sense of what you’re looking for length/sleeved vs. sleeveless or color to avoid, it’s hard to make specific recommendations. Avoid a cut/color similar to the bridesmaids

    • Anon

      This is off the beaten path but look at Totokaelo and similar stores. At a lower price point – COS or Need Supply. They have really fun, modern looks – my mother and MIL wore things like this to my wedding and it was fab.

    • Not for This

      What about something Lauren Ralph Lauren, a nice jersey dress in a deep color?

  2. Anonymous

    I like to surprise my loved ones (esp. husband) with fun little knick-knacks. Anyone have anything cool they’ve gotten or seen on Amazon in the sub-$25 range? For instance, my dad wants to get better with chopsticks, so I recently ordered chopstick helpers ($5).

    • anon

      some of my favorite amazon things in that price range – waterproof notepads, folca compact pill case, razorpit razor blade sharpener, elastic shoelaces, universal car vent phone holder, bliss kiss cuticle pen

    • Anon

      I’d check out the container store’s inventory of smaller/ lower priced options and then see if they’re available on Amazon. The container store usually has a cool selection of options.

    • Veronica Mars

      I love my Fred & Friends “Bear Hands” pot holders. They come in grizzly bear and polar bear! So cute and they work really well.

      • Linda from HR

        I want these! I can say I “made this with my bear hands!” or “I took this out of the oven with my bear hands”

    • anon a mouse

      (I’m now taking notes for potential stocking stuffers, thanks!)

      A “Y” vegetable peeler. Strawberry huller. Cherry pitter. Garlic mincer.

      Command hooks (or the command shelves that now exist). Wall decals.

      Sleep mask.

    • emeralds

      Voice from the other side: do you know that your husband and other loved ones actually enjoy receiving knick-knacks that you perceive as fun and cute? Or are they just pretending to like knick-knacks so you don’t feel bad? If they truly love knick-knacks, carry on. If they don’t, please consider exploring other ways to express this love language.

      I’m a knick-knack hater with a committed knick-knack lover in my immediate family. Everything my dad hands me goes straight to goodwill or into the trash can, with an additional serving of “this person really has no perception of my values and interests.” I know my reaction is not everyone’s reaction, but really…strawberry huller? I eat a lot of berries and just…why. I’m really not trying to rain on your parade, just give you another perspective on how some people are going to feel about being showered with wall decals and extra pot holders.

        • Anonymous

          Not obviously at all, she said SHE likes to do this, not that her family LOVES to receive these things.

        • emeralds

          I’m sure my dad thinks I like knick-knacks, even though I’ve told him multiple times that I don’t (clearly we have issues beyond our respective love languages). All I’m asking is that the OP think through her loved ones’ reactions with some empathy and respect for their values, not only her own enjoyment of gifting. It may very well be that they love getting strawberry hullers. In which case, carry on!

          But it’s also possible that they don’t actually appreciate random single-use kitchen gadgets, and that the OP has just not noticed because she’s so excited about what she sees as expressing her love/sharing cool stuff.

      • Miss

        I second this. Make sure your husband and family really appreciate these gifts. I’m also the recipient of what I perceive as completely random and useless gifts.

        Have you and your husband determined your love language? Because it sounds like yours is gifts, but if his is something else, you may not be sending the message you think you are.

      • OP

        I appreciate your concern. As I mentioned in my example of chopstick trainers, I try to pick things that the giftee has an expressed or known interest in and have no intention of buying every single item recommended here.

        • Anon

          Yea, I still don’t want knick knacks of any kind. I learn how to use chopsticks better by ordering more food that requires chopsticks. Sorry?

  3. AttiredAttorney

    What kinds of items do you get delivered via Amazon prime subscribe and save?

    I live alone, so things like dish and laundry detergent last forever, but thus far sonicare toothbrush heads and air filters have both been useful to automate delivery of to make sure I change them at the correct interval.

    • anne-on

      Pet food, shampoo+conditioner, water filters for my fridge, and feminine hygiene supplies

    • AIMS

      Razors, shampoo & cobitioner, body wash, hand soap, lotion, toilet paper, poop bags for the dog, portable hand wipes, ziplock bags, dog treats….

      • Miz Swizz

        Yes to all these! Especially dog food and treats. It’s significantly cheaper than buying at the store and 5 items gets you 15% off (usually), it’s delivered to your door and figuring out how frequently you need it is so much easier than waiting for a sale.

        I also get Paula’s Choice face wash, tea, charcoal compost bin filters, coffee beans and sneaker liners.

      • Pompom

        (…onecup is a brand, not just a repetitive way to say single serve, to be clear. 97% biodegradable and the coffee tastes way better)

        • ELS

          Thanks for this! I hate most kcups for the taste and plastic waste. I’ll have to try these!

          • Pompom

            It’s still not on par with real, good coffee, but it is a great halfway point for the convenience of K cup machines. I am way too lazy/not a morning person to do anything differently, but we really didn’t like the coffee OR the waste from the others.

            San Francisco Bay coffee makes the best ones at the best price; we do the “Fog Chaser” one, which is medium dark and roasty (to my mouth). Lives up to its name!

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Just started subscribe and save and loving it thus far. Dishwasher detergent, kitchen sponges (having lots of fresh ones encourages me to change them more often), paper towel and toilet paper, body wash, shampoo, tampons. Snacks we eat frequently (larabars, in our case). Thinking about air filters (as it would prompt us to change them).

    • anon

      cat litter (feline pine), water filters, paper towels, vitamin supplements, skincare products

    • Hayjaker

      Toilet paper, shampoo, conditioner, dish soap, laundry detergent, razors, q-tips, deodorant…
      Basically all of my cleaning products, paper products and non-food items from the grocery store’

    • Case

      garbage bags
      face masks
      razors
      shampoo/conditioner
      makeup
      makeup brushes
      kleenex
      sunblock
      lotion
      toothbrushes
      foot creme
      deodorant

      surprisingly there are a lot of things that i wouldn’t think of as S&S items, but they do make sense. e.g., are you a coloring book person? get colored pencils every X mos.

    • Thisperson1

      Diapers, wipes, diaper pail bags, shampoo, condition, moisturizer, tooth brushes, tp, lady supplies, dog food, kleenex, paper towels, air fresheners, laundry soap, dryer sheets, dish soap, etc. Pretty much everything I can do so that actual grocery trips with the toddler are much faster.

    • Anon

      Pet food and supplies, Kind bars, cotton rounds, Q-tips, toilet paper, make up, deodorant, vitamins, sunscreen, and razors.

  4. Best bag to carry files to court

    Fellow litigators, any recommendations on a large leather briefcase or roller bag I could take to court to carry my files for an oral argument? I’m an appellate attorney so I don’t have a huge amount of documents, think a few large binders, pad of paper, and my rule book. My office has some to use but they all require a combination to open and close and I am always terrified that it’s going to malfunction in court and I won’t be able to access my files. Also none of the documents are confidential so a code is not necessary.

    Any suggestions welcome, thanks!

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Fridays and this DOUBEL LAYER TEE shirt! For $42, I can wear this to work and Frank will NOT be abel to see anything between this doubel layer and my sport’s bra! FOOEY on him for stareing at my boobies all the time when he is MARRIED!

      As for the OP, if you do NOT have an associate to carry your stuff, like I used to, I swear by the square leather lit-bags with the strap-on wheely-cart that the manageing partner got me from Innovation’s! The lit bag holds everything, includeing my pump’s, and assuming you are goeing it alone, the wheeley cart means you do NOT have to lift it (except if you are goeing up stairs from the subway into the courthouse, and there is no nearby elevator. FOOEY on that, though I have had some gallent men carry my lit bag up the stairs @ the Brookelyn Bridge stop more then a few times. There is SOME value to haveing a nice body, and clean hair, downtown, and men seem to be able to find me when I look a littel distressed (even with a big tuchus!).

      I was off yesterday and today b/c of the New Year’s holiday and had to deal with Dad trying to palm me off on one of his freind’s sons who reminded me of a sober Sheketovits. FOOEY! But this weekend, I am goeing with Myrna to meet her cousins, who live up in the Catskill’s somewhere. She says one of her cousin’s wants to go to law school and want’s to talk with me, I guess b/c I am older and wizer and can give good advise to him about the law, and what it all means to be a lawyer, duly admitted to the courts here in NY State and all. I shall do my best as an officer of the court and attorney at law to give good advise to him. YAY!!!!!

    • Anon

      You can get little plastic thingies that block the lock mechanism so it won’t lock by accident.

      I’ve also seen people used small but stylish suitcases, but in my city (in Canada) 95% of lawyers use the traditional barristers bag you’re describing.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Completely agree. Our firm gives them as gifts when articling students are called to the Bar and most people just never take the plastic off the combination locks.

      • Best bag to carry files to court

        What are these plastic thingies of which you speak? :) Any link?

        • Never too many shoes...

          Mine are like little plastic things that slide under the wheels and prevent them from engaging…I suspect a long toothpick would do the same job.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I use the Brahmin weekender as my trial bag. I might eventually get something with wheels though.

    • Anonymous

      Cuyana work satchel works for me but I don’t think I’m taking as much stuff to court as you

    • Me-Too

      I use a rolling bag from Victorinox or Swiss Army (can’t remember which). It works well, but at my last trial the clerk (who knows me, but wasn’t looking at my face) mistook me for a court reporter, so there’s that…. Interested to hear what others use!

  5. Calibrachoa

    Today I rushed out of the door swearing and bleary-eyed because i was going to be late… only to be at work an hour early because apparently I was too tired to remember how time works. \o/ and unfortunately I don’t get to go home early…

  6. EB0220

    Favorite way to transition shift dresses into fall? I have black and blue shift dresses that are my work staples, but I can’t find a way to transition them that seems stylish. I’m in tech so I don’t need to be too traditional/formal.

      • AIMS

        Also – I find color helps me with transitions. I love dark Forrest green for fall and all shades of oxblood/burgundy (looks great with navy). And if you need a new bag, a nice suede tote can be a good new piece to mix in for a fall/winter feel.

        • Never too many shoes...

          Those are all excellent suggestions. Nothing says autumn to me like dark, rich colours, manicures in those tones, and suede. Plus all the boots.

      • Anonymous

        What is a “wine” cardigan? The sort of long open cardigan a TV character would wear to sip wine on the sofa in her fabulous apartment after work?

        • cbackson

          If that is the definition, in my house, “wine cardigan” would be more like “wine sweatshirt.”

          • Anon

            I need more. What’s the best place to get them? I got two from Banana in the spring and it’s a miracle that I haven’t worn a hole through the elbow because I wear them so much…

          • Pretty Primadonna

            Anon @ 1:10 pm, Nordstrom has some cute ones. Check out the Halogen Long Cardigan in linen blend.

    • January

      My signature look is basically a black or blue dress with a tailored jacket (usually a suit jacket) on top of it. I vary the color by season – for example, today I’m wearing a red printed shift dress with a black suit jacket, because it is technically fall. In the summer, I wore this dress with a white or tan jacket.

  7. Anonymous

    Does anyone else think the whole mule and loafer trends are kind of hideous? All of the bloggers I follow are wearing them, and I just can’t get on board. I really have tried to see the appeal and just cannot.

    • Who? What?

      Yes, plus so annoying to wear. I remember this trend the last time around and how the hems of my pants were constantly getting stuck in them. No thanks.

    • ck

      I love mules because my feet are narrow yet triangular shaped so no shoe fits me. Ever.

      Except mules!

    • Anonymous

      I really don’t like them, at least on me. 100% not compatible with my aesthetic.

    • Anonymous

      I had a pair of mules in high school in like 2000. I’ve never had a pair since.

      • Baconpancakes

        I had mule clogs in 1999 and thought they were so cool but never actually wore them because they were annoying af and kept falling off. Never again.

    • anon

      I really don’t like them and I can’t walk in them without losing a shoe or twisting an ankle. They also remind me of the stuff I tried to pull off as a recent grad in 2002.

      • Torin

        I can’t walk in them either. They’re almost as hard to walk in as heels, just in a different way. Even if I liked the look, which I don’t especially, I know my limits and mules are not for me.

    • mascot

      I had some adorable loafer style mules the last time this trend came around. And I hated wearing them because my foot would slip out and I would end up stepping on the hard back. So painful. Also, they would eat the hem of my pants.

      • Anonymous

        I also had those mules and loved the way they looked — but I couldn’t keep them on, they slapped the ground when I walked, ate my pants hems, and were a general pain. It’s a case of “live and learn.” Mules are now firmly on my Don’t Even Think of Buying list.

    • nutella

      I was totally with you until I tried some on and loved the way they look with skinny jeans. Ah well!

    • Anonymous

      Mules are impossible to walk in, second only to slingbacks for me! Also, where would I wear them? Not work-appropriate. Not quite dressy enough for a night out. Not practical for running around after a toddler on the weekends. Pass…

    • Anon

      I don’t love either. Every time I see a loafer I think a narrow flat would have looked better. Mules are just impractical unless as bedroom slippers.

    • Anonymous

      I love loafers with trousers and even with some skirt suits when I can’t do heels that day. They seem less cutesy feminine and more substantial than ballet flats and I am not crazy about pointy toes. HATE MULES.

    • Anonymous

      No, I don’t think they’re hideous at all. Some are very cute, others are not my taste. Can’t do mules of any kind (they don’t stay on my feet), but I’d wear them if I could.

  8. Who? What?

    Does anyone else find that eating healthier has no impact on how they feel? I always hear people doing different diets (“lifestyle changes”) talking about how they have so much more energy and focus and their skin cleared up and their gas smells like cinnamon or whatever, but I honestly think I could have fast food every day (note, I do not do this) and feel the same as if I ate salmon and kale every day. I had an autoimmune condition flare up earlier this year and did more than a month of no grains, sugar, dairy, alcohol, nightshades, nuts, or eggs. I kept waiting for this miraculous healthy feeling and it never came. I mostly felt angry that I couldn’t eat anything delicious. Other diets (“lifestyle changes”) that I’ve tried have been similar. My standard diet is mostly pretty healthy with a sprinkling of junk. I know there are other very good reasons not to eat junk food, but I really love it, and I wish that I could experience immediate benefits of not eating it so it would be easier to stay on track. Can anyone relate?

    • ck

      Yup. No dramatic changes in how I feel. I always laugh a little when people talk about how amazing they feel. There is a lot of mind over body going on…. but that’s good too. Perhaps you and I don’t have that ability?

      I always make sure I get adequate basic vitamins though, as B12 deficiency and Vitamin D deficiency can make you feel crappy. I achieve this through a diversity of food and…. my vitamin pills!

      What matters the most with how I feel is how much sleep I get, if it is on a regular schedule and my stress level. Exercise can help decrease stress, so I do often feel noticeably better with more exercise.

      I also have to make sure I don’t get dehydrated, or then I definitely feel crappy.

    • Anon

      There is definitely a lot of placebo effect and selection bias going on. The type of people who are going to commit to a restrictive 30-day diet are likely to have problems with food, so of course it makes sense that restricting said food will “fix” everything. Then the ones with the miracle cures are the ones who bother to submit a “before and after” story to the website.

      I don’t personally view it as a fix (except for things like celiac) because most of the people I’ve talked to seem to feel 5-10% better, but they spent 100-200% more time preparing food and like 600% more time thinking about it. I’ve seen a lot of obsessive, disordered eating patterns come out of it and I view that as an unhealthy product of the diet, even if some skin issues improved or whatever.

      • Jax

        I agree that some of the life-improvement stories could point right back to the simple benefits of weight loss. (I’m thinking joint-pain, sleep apnea, etc.) I also agree that following a whole foods / paleo / grain-free diet requires 100-200% more work!

        I’ll argue that someone at an unhealthy weight already spends 600% more time thinking about food than someone of normal weight (food addiction and emotional eating are no joke) and will probably always spend 600% more time thinking of food. (I’m absolutely lumping myself into this group!) Anyone who wants to lose weight/eat better is going to have to put 100-200% more effort into meal planning, cooking, and making sure they stay on track. Every weight loss plan available involves work, preparation, and taking the time to totally turn around ingrained eating habits and coping mechanisms.

        No matter which “lifestyle” path a dieter choses, s/he is going to eventually find their own rut of meals that work for them, day in and day out, to reset their eating habits. People do it with Weight Watches, bariatric surgery, Paleo, Vegetarian, etc. but it all boils down to hitting a 1200-1600 calorie day and repeating it. Over and over and over again.

    • Anonymous

      I find no difference between mostly healthy with moderate alcohol and junk and perfection. I find a significant difference between December, when I’m constantly drinking and indulging, and January when I return to normal.

      • Cat

        +1

        I noticed this on vacation — if I’m indulging in high calorie / sugary or fatty or salty meals all week as opposed to my normal moderate diet, by the end, I just feel bloated and “off.” It’s not quite as “fun” to stick to moderation even when traveling, but my body really really thanks me.

      • Torin

        Agree. A generally healthy diet with the occasional chocolate bar or pastry and a few glasses of wine a week doesn’t really make a difference in how I feel compared with completely indulgence free eating. But earlier this summer SO and I had people in town and ended up eating out/unhealthy for like 2 weeks in a row and I felt gross at the end of it.

      • Anon

        Same. I’ve been traveling a lot in the last two months and not eating well even when I’ve been home and I definitely notice the difference.

    • Anonymous

      I feel bloated and icky if I eat out or eat processed food too often or if I eat even one fast-food meal or bag of Doritos, but if I go too far in the other direction I feel even worse. My body is happiest when I feed it a diet of mostly home-cooked “clean” foods not too high in sodium, with plenty of protein plus a nice hit of refined sugar around noon. If I cut out sugar completely, I am a cranky, sluggish mess who can’t think straight or accomplish anything. I have never tried cutting out dairy and eggs but it would be a disaster because it would limit the options for protein. So I think you should be fine eating “mostly pretty healthy with a sprinkling of junk.”

    • Anonymous

      The people who experience a miraculous bump were probably eating way worse than your diet, or they were eating things they turned out to be sensitive too (e.g. pre-diabetic eating too much sugar)

      If you’re eating mostly health food with a sprinkling of junk, and you aren’t sensitive to things like wheat/dairy, then eliminating those foods isn’t going to be a miraculous energy boost (unfortunately).

      • ELS

        Yes. I now eat mostly well, and don’t notice a big difference when I change my diet. However, in my mid-20s when I started taking my health more seriously, I was AMAZED at how much better I felt when I didn’t eat processed stuff all the time.

    • Anonymous

      I’m with you. I tried eating very healthy, low carb, cutting out sugar and most dairy, in order to deal with some hormonal issues and besides losing some weight (that I couldn’t really afford to lose) I saw no change and didn’t feel any better. It’s pretty discouraging!

      • Anonymous

        Unless you’re ill with a specific disease requiring otherwise, it is not healthy to not eat carbohydrates and to cut out sugar and dairy. Why? God, why?!

        • Anonymous

          Like I said, it was to try to address some hormonal issues, ones that can be related to insulin resistance–I didn’t stop eating carbs but tried to eat somewhat less, and fewer white carbs, while still eating fruit, beans, whole wheat bread, etc. It really wasn’t that extreme a diet change but unfortunately didn’t work for me.

    • Anonymous

      I eat the same way you do. Trying to totally clean it up doesn’t really do much for my health, all my hormones/vitamins/etc are totally healthy eating the way I normally do. Plus it just makes me sad to not occasionally get to indulge in certain treats. As long as you’re getting all the nutrients you need, do what feels right for your body/soul.

    • anon

      Yep. I’ve cleaned up my diet and am finally exercising regularly in years. My butt certainly looks better, but otherwise I feel exactly the same. Tired.

    • Anonymous

      Yup. I eat sort of mixed – lean protein and veggies for dinner almost every night, usually a small lunch, and no soda or alcohol, but I have a wicked sweet tooth and eat dessert every day, often twice a day, and usually eat something sweet and carby like muffins or fast food for breakfast. I’ve never noticed a change in how I feel when I drop the desserts and heavy breakfasts. I’m not a supermodel but my BMI is well within the range of normal, I’m active and I don’t see any reason to change my eating habits.

    • Anonymous

      If your diet is already at 85 or 90% healthy, and you’re healthy in general, it makes sense that changing that other 15 or 10 percent won’t give you a dramatic change.

    • Anonymous

      I have seen a small correlation between decreased dairy intake and decreased hormonal acne. But other than that, I don’t think I have any food sensitivities or things that need to be off limits in any form like legumes or wheat or whatever. Just for kicks, I did a Whole30 and mostly spent the time feeling irritated about being told no.

    • SC

      I lost 30 lbs last year by eating a healthy but balanced diet (smaller portions, moderate alcohol and junk, occasional Chic-Fil-A). Everyone kept asking me if I felt better, and I almost felt guilty saying, “No.” Then, about 6 months into it, it was like a light switched on. All of a sudden, I had more energy to do things around the house, had more fun being active with my kid, didn’t have back pain anymore, didn’t wake up with headaches. I honestly can’t say if it was weight loss or a reduction in stress that happened around the same time, and it would probably be a circular argument anyways.

      I’ve gained some weight back, and I don’t feel as good. And when I eat too many processed foods and not enough vegetables, I get really cranky.

    • Anonymous

      Agree. Now, being sufficiently hydrated, on the other hand… that feels miraculous to me.

      I discovered that after I pull a late night or all-nighter and my stress levels are high, I need to be drinking green tea + OJ (a mug of one, a glass of the other) rather than coffee. I feel so much better than if I was mainlining espresso. Works like magic.

      • Chicaganon

        Are we the same person? When I don’t stay hydrated, I get dizzy, irritable, and feel tired.

        When I’m sick or running on a few hours of sleep, I swap orange juice for coffee. For some reason, the more tired I am, the worse coffee/caffeine makes me feel.

    • Anon in NYC

      I find the differences to be noticeable but I don’t know if anyone would consider them miraculous. Like, my digestive system (sorry TMI) is muuuuch happier with me when I regularly exercise and simultaneously reduce my intake of carbs like bread and pasta. I still eat bread and pasta, but I notice a difference when I do. My skin / bloating is better when I don’t eat a ton of dairy. My energy levels are steadier (and I have more energy and am generally in a better mood) when I eat healthier foods. I love junk food, but I generally try to make it a treat rather than every day food because my system seems to be negatively affected when I do.

      • Who? What?

        THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR VALIDATING ME

        Seriously, though, thank you. Maybe I’ve just read too much Whole30 propaganda but I thought everyone was going to tell me that I just needed to do a buttered bone broth cleanse and then I would see the magic.

    • Anonymous

      When I was younger, I didn’t notice a difference. I notice a difference now. If I eat a bunch of fried food or fast food, I get bloated and feel overall gross. That didn’t happen in my 20s and 30s.

      • Constant Reader

        Yeah, I eat mostly home cooked healthy with no alcohol to manage my GERD, but like those above I have a sweet tooth and don’t totally avoid delicious but not exactly healthy meals on occasion. But the quality of the ingredients tend to be high — not fast food, not highly processed. I’ve noticed as I’ve aged that I can eat *one* junky/processed thing per day (and not every day), not a whole meal like I could in college.

        This made me laugh, because this is exactly how I feel: >>Yep. I’ve cleaned up my diet and am finally exercising regularly in years. My butt certainly looks better, but otherwise I feel exactly the same. Tired.

    • Monday

      Thanks for bringing this up! The responses are so interesting. My diet is probably more like 40% non-ideal items, mostly due to sugar content, but even then I don’t feel any different when I cut back. I exercise a ton, and that on the other hand makes a huge difference. So for now, I’ve decided I’m ok being a fitness enthusiast who is in good shape and eats somewhat unhealthily. (No, I have never felt that motivation to eat better while working out that other people also talk about…) All my lab indicators are good.

    • EM84

      I am lactose intolerant and also allergic to lactose. I did not feel miraculously better after crossing out dairy, but my digestion improved. I am in camp “nothing lifechanging”

    • Jax

      I’ll be the first to disagree, then.

      I cut out grains and sugars–not hardcore label reading like “I can’t eat canned soup because of food starch!” but I cut the obvious sources–for 2 years. I felt incredible. I noticed my ankles and feet weren’t bloated anymore, my face wasn’t as puffy, my time in the bathroom was easier and more productive. I wasn’t as obsessed with food, or as “weak” around baked goods as I was before. I lost 20 pounds, went down a clothing size, and my body shape changed to more hour glass and less pear.

      As the sugars crept back in to my diet, my weight loss stalled. The cravings started back up again. And when I fell off the wagon and ate flour, bread, cakes my body slammed on the weight again. It’s really hard for me to stop craving (and giving in to) grains this time around, and the gateway drug for me seems to be sugar.

      I was just tested for thyroid, diabetes, and celiac panel. All good! I don’t have a medical reason to be sensitive to grains and sugars, but I know for a fact I AM, and I know my body works better without it.

      I’m on Day 1 of the Whole30 right now. I’ve never tried it before. Maybe feeling incredible is a placebo effect, maybe it’s just euphoria of a successful diet, or maybe cutting out certain food groups does make people feel better. To each his own?

  9. Anon for this

    I know I am not the first person to post this here, or even the first this week. I got the “not a good fit” talk yesterday. I have three months to find a new gig. Any tips on job searching and staying sane during this time?

    I have so many emotions on this right now, many bad, but some good ( it really wasn’t a good fit.)

    • Anonymous

      Sending you hugs. Do something nice for yourself this weekend. Take some time to reflect on what YOU want, what makes a good fit in your opinion. Then work on updating your resume, linked in, make a list of people to network with. Even if it wasn’t a good fit, there’s a great position out there for you! Don’t despair.

      • mascot

        +1. Take some time to mourn/process this weekend because even if it’s the right call, it’s still a blow to the ego.
        Also, be realistic about how much they expect you to do during this time. They aren’t going to suddenly change their minds so don’t feel like you have to be in the office working at 100% under some misguided sense of obligation. The exception would be if you have your own clients that you want to take with you-keep those people happy.

        • Anon for this

          Thank you both. Yeah, my ego hurts, but maybe some TLC this weekend will heal some wounds

    • Anonymous

      See if you can work from home those three months. You’ve effectively been let go and it would be much nicer to job search from home and not have to see your soon-to-be-former coworkers every day. Hugs. You’ll get through this and land somewhere better.

      • Anon for this

        Thank you. I do get to be at home during this time. It is basically a full time job search.

    • Case

      I’m sorry – as someone in a similar boat, the whole thing just s*ucks

      I thought Cbackson’s advice yesterday about remembering that how you handle yourself post-talk is going to affect the amount of help you get was really important. Grieve/process/whatever you need to do on your own, and then put on a good face in the office as best you can.

      • Anon for this

        Thank you. Thankfully I don’t need to go in anymore and the talk was really positive, so I left on a good note (given the conversation). Now it is a matter of putting on a good face for the public.

    • January

      Sigh. I’m sorry. I’m in a similar but different situation — not going to make partner at my current firm and was advised to start looking for a new job.

      Three months is a pretty short time to look, and I think it’s going to require a lot of focused effort and reaching out to your network and to recruiters. I would definitely focus on making sure you have goals for each day – maybe get up and exercise and then go trawl LinkedIn in a coffee shop or something like that. You’ll need a schedule. The good news is that I’ve heard that the fourth quarter and the first quarter can be busy hiring periods.

      I’m about three months out from when I got the talk, and it does get better. It still weighs on me, and if I really think about it, I can feel either like screaming or crying, but I’ve gotten better at putting one foot in front of the other and getting back to something resembling normal. As for why I don’t have a new job yet – well, I wasn’t given a deadline, so I’m trying to be a bit picky. I’m also focusing on in-house opportunities right now, although I may switch back to looking at firms if something doesn’t pan out soon.

      Hang in there. As you say, it wasn’t a good fit, so it’s likely you’ll be happier at your next destination.

        • January

          I’m not, unfortunately, although I’m not that far away and do visit. I’ll try to remember to set up an email account if you want to talk offline.

  10. Anonymous

    I work in nonprofit fundraising, and I’ve been at a legal aid for several years. I attended HYS undergrad and got a nonprofit business graduate degree (it was free, but not an MBA). Meanwhile, several of my family members are immigrants, and I successfully helped them do petitions pro se. I’m really interested in immigration law, which is increasingly in demand at my legal aid.

    However, I have $80K in student loan debt from undergrad, and I only make $65K in a senior position. Most is an institutional loan from the school and thus not eligible for federal loan forgiveness (I did that, too). Note to self: only take out federal loans.

    I’d like to go to law school for immigration law, but I know its a low paying field in private practice or the nonprofit sector. I could probably get a full ride to a state school based on my GPA and LSAT score (I took it already). I could also apply to T1 schools and see if I get scholarships/grants.

    Any suggestions about the type of school to look at? Anyone went to a top undergrad then a state law school for free? It does sound appealing.

    • Anonymous

      I won’t comment on whether law school is the right choice, but I will address the last part of your question. I went to a top undergrad and then a state law school for free. I had planned on practicing in my home state and there is only one law school there. The local bar is particularly wedded to graduates from the state law school and so I knew it would be a good bet. I work for a government agency and many of my co-workers also went to a prestigious undergrad school and then came home for the local law school. (Some are transplants and picked the local school for other reasons but most everyone planned to practice here.)

    • Anonymous

      Make sure that your full ride is really a full ride even if tuition increases. My law school gave everyone with a scholarship the same amount, which started off at about two-thirds of tuition. While I was in school, tuition went up but the scholarship didn’t. By 3L year it only covered slightly more than one-third of the tuition. I had expected tuition to go up, but not by that much.

    • Pompom

      Too, look at schools with public interest scholar programs. NYU, GULC, AUWCL, BU, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Public interest jobs are really hard to get, especially in big cities were a lot of top law school grads want to work. I would look at your co-workers and online at some of the other orgs you would like to work at after law school, and see where they went to law school. Consider whether the state law school would get you the job you want.

      I would also consider whether law school is necessary. Immigration law is one area where you can do a lot without a law degree, especially if you are associated with an attorney.

      • immigration law

        Not the OP, but interested in your comment about being able to do a lot in immigration law without a law degree. My brother in law is considering law school with an eye towards immigration law, but I’m not sure that lawyering itself is important to him. I’m the only lawyer in the family now, so he’s been talking to me a bit about plans, and I’d love to have a better sense of the breadth of opportunities available to him in immigration.

        • Daily

          I used to work at a firm with a huge immigration practice and what I can tell is that, generally, the paralegals do a lot more substantive work, and arguably more interesting work, than paralegals in other practice areas, so that is a viable path of immigration law in the law firm context.

    • Anonymous

      Fundraisers are generally paid better than most of their nonprofit colleagues – I think you have a lot higher earning potential that what you are at now (depending on where you live; I’m a fundraiser in NYC so my standards may be skewed by HCOL).

    • cbackson

      Immigration law isn’t necessarily a low-paying field in private practice *if* you’re doing business immigration. My current firm doesn’t have an immigration practice, but my prior one did, and the bulk of the work was business immigration matters (with the occasional family immigration matter…like I once helped a GC’s son find a way legally to marry someone who was on an expired visa). If you are interested in immigration law generally, and not just in family immigration/asylum and refugee work/deportation defense, there are well-paid private sector jobs available.

    • anon for this

      Yes, I went to HYS undergrad and then a state law school for almost free (graduated with some 10K in loans). A lot of my classmates in the top of the class were from similar backgrounds, or those who did really well at a state undergrad and probably could not have gone to a higher ranked school but didn’t for financial reasons/desire to stay close to family. Back then (I graduated in 2007), those who graduated in the top 25% of my class did very well for themselves — Big Law, medium law, honors attorney positions, federal clerkships, etc. But I also know that a lot has changed since 2007.

      I love being an attorney and I love my current job, so it worked out very well for me. It was hugely freeing to graduate with almost no debt.

  11. Halloween -- Wonder Woman or Gemma Teller?

    I had wanted to go as Wonder Woman for Halloween. The new WW is so me: brunette and sweetly naive. There is a part of me that has recently gotten into Sons of Anarchy and I could take the boots I got for my WW costume (and to wear in general) and put some stripes in my hair and draw on a scar and probably do Gemma Morrow also.

    Too obscure?

    Will be for neighborhood party of mixed ages including children.

    And, there has been some simmering tension over a rezoning (very Sons of Anarchy) where I think that while we need a little sweet Wonder Woman, we could use a little Gemma Teller, too.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve never heard of sons of anarchy or Gemma teller. Does that matter to you? Do you care if people get it?

    • BeenThatGuy

      I’m loving the Gemma Teller idea. I too have recently started watching SoA and I think your idea is brilliant!

    • Tetra

      I think there are going to be a lot of Wonder Womans this year, if that helps your decision.

      Jumping off this, let’s have a Halloween costume thread! Who/what are you dressing up as?

        • Calibrachoa

          Apparently, our whole team is going to dress up as our manager who is one of those “uniform” type dressers. As far as I am concerned, this is an excuse to buy some burgundy shoes! :D

          On the non-work front, I currently have no idea but I think it is probably going to be something lazy

      • Anonymous

        My mother used to sew me the most amazing costumes, so I have a silly tradition of making coordinating costumes for my daughter and myself. This year she is going as Rey and I am going to put together a Jyn Erso costume out of clothing I already have. For her cotillion’s costume ball, I am making her an Eliza Schuyler dress. The last set of coordinating costumes I created were Hermione Granger and Professor MacGonagall.

        • Anonymous

          Pls tell me more:

          cotilion’s costume ball? OMG this sounds like my dreams from when I was in my teen Les Mis phase.

          and you can make an Eliza Schuyler costume?

          Can you adopt me?

          • Anonymous

            Cotillion is a series of etiquette and ballroom dancing lessons to which most sixth-graders in our area are subjected. Each dance has a theme, so the one for October is “costume ball.” The Eliza Schuyler costume is partly a bribe to get the kid to quit complaining that she has to do cotillion.

          • Anonymous

            LOL – I had no idea people still did cotillion. We had that when I was growing up. We all hated it back then and we still talk now – 25 years later – about how much we hated it. It was absolutely the worst thing to do to a bunch of kids at the most awkward stage of their lives. It finally stopped in my hometown and we felt like, man, those kids should be so grateful.

          • Anonymous

            I would pay good $ for that. Are they widely available where offered? Or is something exclusive like only for country club members, etc.?

            My kids might hate learning that stuff (and they really need to, not so much for dancing but for better table manners and social manners) but they’d hate me having to directly teach it to them more.

            Like with knife skills and potty training, they only took in so much by my setting a good example.

          • Anonymous

            I would pay good $ for that. Are they widely available where offered? Or is something exclusive like only for country club members, etc.?

            My kids might hate learning that stuff (and they really need to, not so much for dancing but for better table manners and social manners) but they’d hate me having to directly teach it to them more.

            Like with knife skills and potty training, they only took in so much by my setting a good example.

          • Anonymous

            HAHA, here are the “social skills” cotillion taught me:

            -Boys will always want to dance with the girl who lets them look down her dress or feel her up during slow dances.

            -The chaperones can’t watch everything, so if you wait till one or two are distracted, you can leave the lame dance and go outside to smoke with your friends.

            – Fancy forks are just as good for throwing food during food fights as cheap forks. Also, mashed potato doesn’t wash out of formalwear very easily.

            – If you hang out with the popular kids at cotillion in middle school, in high school they will invite you to their sick parties where tons of underage drinking, drug use and s* x happens.

            If you want your kids to learn how to use the right fork? Put down your phone during dinner and teach them. I promise, it’s not that hard. It will take some of your precious time and attention, which I realize some people don’t want to “waste” on their kids.

      • lawsuited

        Princess Leia from Empire Strikes Back. My husband and son are going as Luke Skywalker and Yoda.

        • Case

          I love that you specified Leia for Empire.

          Signed, Mom of kid who is going as Luke from ROTJ (its an all black costume that NO ONE MAKES so we are DIYing)

      • Linda from HR

        I have a solid collection of costumes I pull from each year, as I typically go to at least a few costume parties and events and trying to wash costumes in between parties can be a pain. I may add Rick Sanchez (from Rick and Morty) to the mix, probably pull out of Hermoine Granger costume again, Swedish Chef at some point, Zatanna if I’m feeling saucy.

        I’m not sure what I’ll be doing for work, probably a very toned-down Wonder Woman costume with a long navy skirt.

    • Baconpancakes

      I’m waffling between Fiona the Human (from Adventure Time) and Max from Where the Wild Things Are.

    • Anonattorney

      I know who Gemma Teller is! But I’m not sure her look is sufficiently distinctive to flag it as a costume. You might just look like a biker chick.

    • Anonymous

      How far have you gotten in Sons of Anarchy? Gemma Teller is a pretty bad person.

      • Never too many shoes...

        Awful, yes, but also a badass. I won’t spoil but one thing about Gemma, she understood exactly who she was.

      • Halloween -- Wonder Woman or Gemma Teller?

        I know. I knew how bad she was before I started watching it. She is right up there with Patty Hewes for evil. It is fascinating watching Peg Bundy go so bad.

        I really watch it for the Gemma/Jax/Tara/Piney/zoning story lines.

        And poor Drea De Matteo — can someone cast her as an accountant or mid-level manager someday? Is it ever unicorns and rainbows for her?

  12. Burned out

    Is it possible to recover from burnout, or even like your job again once you’ve entertained the idea of starting fresh and leaving because you’re so tired of dealing with the same old issues that aren’t going to change?

    I’ve been with my organization for almost 10 years. While it wasn’t always perfect, I was happy enough for about 7.5 years. The last 18 months-2 years have been a total cluster, mostly because of several rough leadership changes (with more to come). I’ve taken several vacations this year to try to get sane again, but I end up back in the same mental place as soon as I return. It’s kind of become the job equivalent of “too good to leave, too bad to stay.” Would love to hear any stories about people who have made it through a few tough years and found their work satisfying again. (But, the counterpoint is OK, too!)

    • January

      I’m more in the middle of this process, and it wasn’t even by my choice (see my post above). But in talking to others who left my firm, I have heard that once you decide you’ve had enough, there’s no real miraculous turnaround after that. Just some anecdata.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been in this place for the last 2-3 years. My BigLaw job has a great salary and I sometimes get great experience, but it still sucks. Based on my experience, there are times when I look it more and times when I like it less – but there is never a time when I’m really happy or see being here years in the future.

    • Anonymous

      If you were new to the workforce or had only been in your job a few years, I’d be more likely to give advice on how you can become more rested and re-energized. But after you’ve been there 10 years? I’d encourage you to begin dreaming about what other jobs you might like to do. Sometimes we’re just finished with a certain role; at 10 years in you might be feeling restless even if there had been no leadership changes.

      (notice I’m saying “dreaming” … because you may need to tap into some desire about what you’d LIKE to be doing.

    • Belle Boyd

      I am at this point, too…. Disgusted, but too jaded, tired, you name it to think about job-hunting right now.
      I keep thinking maybe I’ll learn to love my job again, but til then, I’m just going to suck it up and hope what I say in my mind and my mental eye-rolls don’t make it past my head!!!

    • Tfor22

      Yes, it is possible. The job I have now is miles better than the job I had even as few as 5-6 years ago (even though technically they are the same) and way better than when I started here lo these 17 years ago. What caused the change is a shift in the senior leadership. Most days it feels like pure luck I happened to stay but mostly what happened is that I decided to stay so I could work on some personal goals that were more important to me than work at the time.

    • Following this thread for sure

      Here with you. I am in a senior executive position with international scope and a six-figure salary. I am limping along until a 4-year bonus hits in May. Then I am quitting and either checking myself into a mental hospital for depression or taking 6-12 months off and then finding any menial job with health benefits. Maybe I can be a secretary. Maybe I can move to Portland and pump gas.

    • DrAnon

      You may not see this at this point in the weekend. However, I am a counterpoint. I felt this way about my job, which had started as a “dream job”, after a long period of a leadership void. I finally decided to make a change, which involved a long distance move and taking on some new types of tasks. It was (and is) a real period of personal growth for me to make and follow through with this decision. I have had to really check some of my own attitudes that developed while I was burning out to avoid mis-applying them here. My feeling about it now is that even if this job does not last/stay fun forever, I needed to do this. I don’t see any way I could have recovered in the old environment. Good luck to you on whichever path you choose.

  13. Anonymous

    I want to give the glossier boy brow a shot, but need to order a second item to get free shipping. What other product is worth getting?

    • Anonymous

      I like their lip gloss/balm (that comes in a traditional lip tube) BUT I’d try their highlighter next time.

    • Scarlett

      Fwiw, I tried it and was really disappointed (I’m very susceptible to podcast advertising), it barely did anything. I ended up buying a similar product called browfood (not sure of the brand), I think at Sephora, that works a lot better. Boybrow was like clear mascara – okay to tame but I needed a lot more product, the browfood can stand on its own (but I like a thicker brow so I still use powder underneath)

    • Anonymous

      Anastasia (you can buy it at Sephora) has a great brow gel that is way better than boy brow. Also, it’s cruelty-free!

    • Anonymous

      I LOVE glossier. Boy brow is great. My favorites are the concealer, milky face wash, cloud paint blush and the moisturize (good for my dry skin in summer but won’t be enough in the winter). I have a couple of the lipsticks but really don’t like them at all.

  14. No Problem

    Need some advice from people who are really good at laundry. I just bought some new white t-shirts, and would really love to prevent the inevitable yellow underarm stains. Is this even possible? Do I need to add vinegar to every wash? Douse them in Shout and/or wash immediately after wearing? Something else? Unfortunately, I’m a heavy sweater so going sans deodorant is not an option (I thought I read somewhere that the yellow is caused by the aluminum in most deodorants).

    • Torin

      The aluminum is in the antiperspirant, not the deodorant. You could switch to a deodorant with no antiperspirant. I did this a few years ago and have noticed significantly less staining on the underarms of my shirts. I use Toms but these days there are quite a number of different brands.

      • No Problem

        I guess I should have been more specific. I sweat a lot. I need the antiperspirant.

        • Torin

          Fair enough. I’d try the oxyclean suggested below; I’ve found it to be the best for just about any type of stain. I think vinegar in every wash would be really hard on the fabric.

          • Miss

            FWIW I’ve been using vinegar in every wash for years, including with delicates. It removes odors and I’ve noticed zero extra wear and tear. Unless I stain or tear them, my clothes look pretty much the same as when I bought them.

          • Miss

            I don’t measure it, I just take my big vinegar jug and slosh it in. Maybe half a cup or so?

        • Pit Solutions

          FWIW, I’ve switched to CertainDri at night and Lavanilla (deodorant only, no antiperspirant) in the morning. I don’t notice more sweating or stink, I do think it’s really helped preserve my clothes.

          If daytime antiperspirant turns out to be non-negotiable, I think OxyClean in the wash can help (or, you can spray it on the shirt underarms after each wear)

          • No Problem

            I have tried CertainDri and it is fairly effective, but also makes me itchy. I’m not sure if it’s actually irritating my skin or that it’s just how it feel as the gel dries.

          • Pit Solutions

            Out of nesting, but I find less irritation with Certain Dri when I make sure my pits are totally dry before I use it (I think the package gives this advice, but I had to learn for myself). They also, I *think*, have a solid stick that might address this.

        • Anon

          Antiperspirant is more effective when it’s applied at night to very dry skin (I was given a ton of instructions when I got prescription strength, but the same recommendations apply to the lower concentrations in OTC).

    • anon

      I actually started sewing in little squares of fabric from old white tshirts into the underarm area. If they get messed up i just cut them out and replace. I’ve started doing this in most of my shirts and sweaters now. I just use a couple of stitches to tack to the seams, so it’s invisible from the outside.

    • Linda from HR

      I soak my white shirts in hot water and Oxyclean when the pit stains become noticeable when I’m wearing the shirts.

      • H

        FYI – I’ve had oxyclean eat through my clothes so be careful. I had the spot treatment pen and it left a visibly thinner piece of fabric in the places I used it. I had to get rid of a few shirts. Maybe it won’t be as noticeable for the entire shirt? But it still might be eating the fabric.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had good luck with oxi-clean – more as the spray/gel as a pre-treat on the inside of the shirt before washing,

      You could also try as a soak with the powder, and then I usually dump all the soak water into the washer as well.

    • Fishie

      You used the right word – prevent. Once the stains are there you can’t get rid of them but you can try to prevent them. I put 1/3 cup white vinegar in each load of laundry to keep things white. You could also go old school and add a drop or two of “blue-ing” if you can find it (I found it at Joann Fabric, along with a bunch of stain devils that work miracles).

    • Anon

      Wear deodorant without antiperspirant!! I’ve also found that this actually makes me sweat *less* and I know this is true for some others as well.

    • Pesh

      Hydrogen Peroxide is the best stain remover for most body fluids (like sweat and blood). I suppose that’s why so many people like Oxyclean, it’s similar to H2O2. I soak in Hydrogen Peroxide, or spray it on with a spray bottle, then dump some in the washing machine when I wash it. Make sure to apply it to the inside of the arm, where the stain is actually occurring (and likewise soak it inside out).

    • Silk Stains

      Has anyone had success removing yellow underarm stains from silk tops? I generally use oxyclean on cotton and other fabrics, but haven’t tried it on silk…

      • Tech Comm Geek

        I would not use oxyclean on silk. Oxyclean is an enzymatic cleaner – it breaks down proteins. Silk is a protein, so Oxyclean will actually break down the fabric.

        The best success I’ve had with yellow stains on silk is super old-fashioned – sunlight. Laying the top out on our patio table in full sun for a couple of days did reduce the appearance.

        • Mpls

          +1 – I think oxiclean may even specifically say not to use it on silk.

          Long-term exposure of silk to sunlight (like, in curtains, I guess) isn’t supposed to be great for the fabric, but it’s definitely the less of two evils here.

    • Anonymous

      If you have time/space to air dry, bright sunlight is a good lightener post-wash.

    • EM84

      I pre-wash whites using gall soap. It works and is quite popular in Europe (all major drugstore chains carry it).

    • AnonBlonde

      I also sweat a lot and never tried deodorants without antiperspirant, but I still was sweating through the clinical deodorants anyway so I eventually tried Native deodorant, which is not an antiperspirant and does not contain aluminum. Not only do I not have any more yellowing or staining on my clothes, but I somehow have sweat less through this deodorant than I ever did through my antiperspirant. I also noticed less shaving bumps and irritation since switching. Native has free shipping and deals all the time on their website, so it could be worth a try.

  15. Anon

    When your boss rewrites something you wrote, and you reeeally dislike their edits and think it sounds awful, are you ever allowed to change it? Is he expecting a collaboration or is he expecting me to just copy/paste/send? I’ve been here for 8 months now and he’s still rewriting everything I write (which starts its own internal crisis of “am I not good at my job or is he just always going to rewrite everything forever?”).

    • Anonymous

      Three questions: how much experience do you have, is it going out under your signature or his, and what kind of writing (for example, letter versus brief)?

      If you are a first or third year lawyer, I would not touch any of his edits even if you hate them, unless he is just absolutely wrong on the law or the facts. If you are sending a letter under your name that he wanted to proof, and you are a more experienced, I might push back more. But I am coming to this as an experienced lawyer working with juniors. People in different industries might disagree.

      • Anon

        It’s a policy newsletter that goes out weekly to industry contacts, so it’s more of a style question. I’ve been in this industry for only 3 years, but I’m 35….that’s what’s making this so difficult for me – I kind of don’t know how…humble? (I don’t want to say submissive) to act. Obv at 35, I’m an experienced professional with a mind of my own, but I am still junior in this industry.

    • anon a mouse

      Are they substance edits or style edits? If it’s the latter, I’d just copy/paste/send, and try to take note of his style to mimic in the future.

      If it’s substance, I’d still c/p/s but try to set up a time to talk about that (and any other recent projects with similar issues) to address it as a career development issue, and better understand his thinking.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to all of this. You should correct any obvious typos or grammatical errors.

      • NYNY

        Tagging on this. My current boss has a very specific style, which I don’t always agree with. But I do try to tailor my writing to be a) a valid compromise between my style and his, and b) close enough to what he would do that he edits less to not at all. The second piece is almost a game to me. Before sending to him for review, I handicap a deliverable for length, content, and audience, then see if I can get fewer edits than the handicap.

    • AIMS

      I used to work with someone like this. After a while, I figured out that he just liked making it his own. So it didn’t matter what I wrote, he would always tweak it. It usually wasn’t for the better and at some point I figured out that if I kept my writing more basic/less perfect, his edits would end up sounding better/being more in line with what I would actually write myself. So I stopped editing things to perfection before I gave him my drafts and the final product improved from when I was giving him something really good and he fussed with it needlessly.

      The only time I changed anything he edited is if it was typo/grammatically incorrect or had some other obvious issue that I could ask about. For example, he loved to add transition words to every sentence but sometimes would have 2 howevers in a row or use a word that didn’t make sense for a particular sentence. In those cases, I just put in the changes he wanted and then flagged the ones I didn’t make to confirm it was fine.

  16. Floored

    Vent: I recently applied to a job and I had a preliminary interview the other day. Today I discover that one of the partners at that firm TOLD SOMEONE AT MY CURRENT FIRM. This person wasn’t a reference (I hadn’t been asked for any); she and the partner are just friends and the partner told her I had interviewed. She then told me. She’s a senior level person at my office and I’m quite junior but she and I have a good rapport. Am I wrong to feel that this is a serious breach of professional norms? Who tells someone that a person at their firm interviewed at theirs? I had been on the fence about this job anyway and this lack of discretion has me firmly convinced that I will reject an offer if I get one .

    • Anon

      I’m stunned by it and can’t wait to see what the others say. I would be SO tempted to compose an email to the interviewer withdrawing from consideration. “Hi Jill, It’s come to my attention that you discussed my application with a member of my current firm. For this reason, I withdraw from consideration. Sincerely, Jane”

      • Anonymous

        If you are going to reject the offer, you should withdraw and tell them why. I hope this doesn’t affect your standing at your current job in the near term.

      • Floored

        I’m also tempted to do that but don’t want to create more gossip being sent to the person at my current firm. I feel like the trust has been broken- now I worry that every single interaction I have with the other firm will get back to my current job! Scarlett is absolutely right that reputation is everything. I think now I’m just a little paranoid.

        I haven’t told anyone at my current position and I do not want word getting out that I’m looking.

      • Scarlett

        As tempting as this is, I absolutely would not say anything like that at all. All that is likely to happen is partner who sought the unofficial reference gets in “trouble” and says something to the person who you for who is now angry at you for getting her friend in trouble. Plus, it’s also highly possible (and probable) that senior associate said good things about you to her partner friend (otherwise why tell you they talked) and all you do by withdrawing noisily is anger someone who was on your side. As I said below, this shouldn’t happen, but it does, and it’s how people get jobs.

      • Snick

        I’d email the recruiter (not the loose lipped partner) and state: “I recently learned that a partner at [firm] discussed my application with a partner at [current firm] who was not aware I had applied. I have concluded that [firm] is not a good fit and I am withdrawing from consideration. Sincerely, xx.” I don’t see any reason to confront the partner directly. Then tell the partner from your firm that you’ve withdrawn your application and ask her to maintain confidentiality.

    • Torin

      Whoa, yeah, I would definitely be upset. I’m assuming you have not told current job you’re looking? Because people usually don’t. I would think most interviewers understand that people looking for a new job don’t usually broadcast that information without being told and would know to keep mum!

    • Scarlett

      Pretty awful it happened to you, but I can’t say it’s all that shocking. In a small industry like law people regularly try to get information about candidates through unofficial channels. For me, it’s a reminder that your reputation is everything and law is a small world. If it happened to me, I don’t know what I’d do – that’s pretty fact dependent on the relationship you have at your current firm and with the partner who told you. If she’s someone who’s more a mentor type you could have an open discussion with, I’d use it as an opportunity to discuss that firm specifically and your career in general. That said, I’ve been spoiled by working for people who were genuine mentors, and were open to discussing career moves without backlash in my current job.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, this. I’m surprised by how many people are shocked. Job applications aren’t protected by privacy laws, it’s not illegal or unprofessional for the potential new firm to try to get the scoop on you from people who have worked with you but aren’t official references. At my old firm, whenever the partner I was working for was considering hiring someone, he’d ask the associates currently working for him to see if they had any LinkedIn connections in common with the candidate and, if so, ping the connection for info about the candidate. I’m not sure how effective this strategy was, because usually we had no connections in common or the connection would say something basically useless like “We were law school classmates and she’s really nice, but I can’t comment on her work product” but I definitely understand the partner’s desire to get the scoop from people other than a handful of carefully-selected references.
        I don’t think what the firm did is abnormal, and I wouldn’t withdraw from consideration if you otherwise feel good about the job.

        • Anon

          We do this all the time. Niche industry, small market. If you work in my field and are applying some place that doesn’t already know you from being on the other side of multiple transactions, you have to expect it.

        • Cate

          Yep, I’m in finance but this is pretty standard. Now I’m at the point that I’m doing the recruiting, it’s really making me conscious of how small this market really is, as despite being in a city of ~5m people with many large firms/companies, I have contacts at pretty much every place and will reach out if I’m genuinely interested in the candidate and know my contact will have direct experience working with them. I can see how it sucks for you, but on the other hand a good reference from someone I trust can be very helpful for the candidate (able to better tailor the interview knowing how the candidate has performed elsewhere, can give the benefit of the doubt if the interview isn’t great)

      • Anon in NYC

        I tend to agree – awful but not surprising. When I interviewed for my current position, someone at the office called a partner at my old firm (who was not a reference) and asked about me. I only found out when I told the partner that I was leaving.

      • Anon

        I’ve been spoiled, too. I’ve always been able to be completely open and honest with my supervisors when I’ve been ready to move on and they’ve always been very supportive. But I know I’ve been lucky in that regard.

    • Anonymous

      Um — how young are you? This stuff happens ALL the time – esp in law which is a fairly small world and esp if the 2 firms are located in the same city. If you see this as a reason to pull out of an application process, I’m not sure how you’ll ever make a move. I don’t know if I’ve ever interviewed anywhere and not had word get back to some person at my current employer bc someone I interviewed with had a friend where I’m located.

    • lawsuited

      I agree with you that job applications should be held in strict confidence, but I also know that what you describe happens frequently so I take that into account when I decide to apply for a job (rather than following the “there’s no downside to applying!” advice that is so frequently given here).

      • SC

        +1. And it’s not just law.

        One of my husband’s former co-workers had been at Company X in a retail sales/customer service position for 10+ years. He applied for a job at Company Y for a sales/distribution job (so not a competitor). Company X found out and fired him. Allegedly, the higher-ups told the customer service manager that he had to cut one person from the department, and he decided to cut the person he knew was looking to leave. Company Y ended up not hiring the applicant, after 4 rounds of interviews, and instead demoted the team manager to the sales position and hired a new sales manager. (Word on the street is that she was a terrible manager.) Fortunately for the applicant, he has a stellar reputation and was soon hired by Company Z for a different sales distribution job–so, all’s well that ends well. Maybe.

    • Anon

      Definitely tell the recruiter and withdraw from consideration. Even if this behavior is not illegal, it’s highly unprofessional. They need to learn. And there is no blowback on you. You are in the right here, especially if you handle it calmly and professionally.

    • Anonattorney

      Did you specifically tell them that you wanted to keep it confidential from your current employer? We usually think to ask this of associates we are interviewing, but sometimes forget. I’m not saying you necessarily have to point it out during the interview, but it might help in the future to remind firms you’re interviewing with to not contact your current employer.

  17. Anonymous

    PSA: If you are looking for a great pair of legging-like pants, American Giant has come out with a really awesome pant. .. and it definitely feels like pants, not leggings. They are a bit pricey, but super comfy and 100% worth it. And because it’s from American Giants, it’s made in the USA. Link to follow.

  18. fitness tracker

    What is your favorite fitness tracker? I would like something that has a heart rate monitor and sleep tracking, as well. I’m looking at the Fitbit Alta HR at the moment.

    • New Tampanian

      I have the Alta HR and love it. The sleep tracking is the most important part for me but I enjoy checking out my heart rate particularly if I am feeling anxious. It’s a way to ground myself. It’s small enough that my tiny wrist doesn’t feel overwhelmed like with other trackers.

  19. Car Insurance

    So question based on others experiences. Rear-ended a car (totally my fault) and scratched another woman’s bumper. Like 2 2″ scratches no dent. I planned to pay out of pocket since I assumed it would not be expensive but she took it to her dealer and is ordering parts from Germany and getting a rental car for 7-20 days while car is in the shop. I think I’m going to bring in my insurance and have them take care of it now but will they challenge her? The rental car seems really excessive when her car is barely scratched. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I am def willing to pay something but I would rather not pay $3500 which is the estimate she originally presented me with!

    • Anonymous

      Call your insurance company it’s why you have them. Let them handle it, not your concern.

      • Anonymous

        The story’s too long for this morning, but after we went through a terrible experience a number of years back trying not to go through our insurance company, now our standard response for anything is “call our insurance company. That’s it.” I won’t even give people my personal cell number; just the insurance information. This is why you pay your insurance premiums every month – to have someone else handle this problem. Unless you’ve had several accidents in the past few years, your premium probably won’t even go up.

        I would just call the lady back and say “so sorry, but now that we’re talking about that kind of money, I’m going to need you to contact my insurance company. Here’s the information. I’m going to call them myself today. Thanks!” And then do not pick up the phone again if she calls, or return any of her messages.

    • Anon

      Uh. B1tch be cray. Bring in the professionals and stay far, far away from this lady. That is totally not a normal response to a couple scratches.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t understand why people handle things out of pocket if they have car insurance. I understand you don’t want your premiums going up next yr but honestly I’m more fearful of people and being taken for a ride by crazy people who will use this to order parts from Germany (pretty sure German cars are serviced in the US every day without custom orders going on) and get fancy rentals for 3 weeks on my dime. People aren’t going to mess with GEICO the same way — let them handle it. Deal with the $2 premium increase next yr if it happens — if you otherwise have a good record, this isn’t going to be an enormous increase — peace of mind is worth it.

      • Lousy Driver

        I can tell you why. A small scrape that my dh could have buffed out with sanding compound if it had been on one of our cars ended up with multiple years of higher insurance premiums. Technically, my insurance premium did not go up, but I lost my good driver discount and my accident free discount, which were about $700 a year each. It took me 5 years to earn the good driver back and 10 years to earn the accident free back. I couldn’t change insurance companies for at least 3 years, when I tried, the accident was always cited as a reason for another company not to take me on as a customer.

        I’ve been driving for close to 40 years. I’ve been in 1 accident that was not my fault, and this one tiny scrape on a car that was parked illegally (she was parked illegally, I was backing out of a legal parking space). I had 1 speeding ticket 35 years ago.

      • Jen

        Ugh in Massachusetts the points add up fast and really hike your rates. I’ve had one accident and one ticket (not speeding- turning in a (terribly marked) no turn lane). DH has 2 speeding tickets and an accident over 11 years and he pays hundreds extra each year.

    • Anon

      What’s your deductible? Do you have a local presence of your insurance (ie a State Farm office)? You should call or go in, explain your situation, and ask their advice. I’ve had pretty good luck since I’ve had my local office be able to tell me whether it was worth it to submit or not, based on the accident and my plan and the other person’s insurance.

    • Torin

      I recently had my car fixed after someone hit me (they had to replace a door, so it was a much bigger deal than what you’re describing). Her insurance company gave me two options: either go to one of their preapproved body shops to get it fixed, or take it there for a quote and get a check from them and then take it where I wanted. At least as far as I understood, they wouldn’t just pay any extravagant amount for repairs at the fanciest body shop around and parts from Germany etc. They did pay for a rental car for over 2 weeks but they approved $22 per day, which only gets you the cheapest possible car.

      So, yeah, call your insurance company. They’ll deal with it.

    • Linda from HR

      I could see getting a rental car while yours is getting fixed, but for two weeks? How long does it take to get some scratches repaired? New parts? For minor scratches I’d just rub the area with Meguar’s, problem gone.

      You offered to pay yourself, and didn’t put a cap on it, so now she’s taking advantage of you. Don’t ever do this again. A bump in your insurance is worth it to have professionals smooth out the details of what sort of repair (and cost) is appropriate. And if the repair is under $500 it may not even impact your insurance that much.

      • Anon

        +1 You basically offered her a blank check and she’s taking you for it. You have to call your insurance. Immediately.

      • Anonymous

        +a million. I have a longer response in mod, but we were basically extorted by someone a few years ago after we tapped their bumper and tried to avoid going through insurance. OP, call your insurance company stat.

    • anon a mouse

      Insurance, stat. What you are describing might merit a rental car while her car is actually in the shop, but not for the time it takes to actually receive the fancy parts from Germany.

    • Anonymous

      To play devil’s advocate, it’s totally possible for a car to not have a scratch on it but for the internal parts of the bumper to be damaged. At least in a lot of cars, bumpers are “single use” or close to it, which means that after one collision, they need to be replaced or they won’t function properly in the next collision.
      I rear-ended a woman once and her car literally didn’t have a visible mark on it, but she took it to her mechanic, who said it needed a new bumper to the tune of several thousand dollars. I was totally outraged and thought she and her mechanic were scamming me. And then a couple of years later, *I* was rear-ended, the car was not noticeably damaged (maybe a scratch or two, but it was a very old car and I didn’t care about cosmetic stuff) and I took it to our long-time family mechanic, who is definitely not a scammer or someone who tries to upsell us on stuff and he told me the same thing. One rear-end collision and the bumper usually needs to be replaced, even if the car looks fine. The person who rear-ended me paid several thousand dollars for a new bumper, and I’m sure they were outraged about it, but I trust our family mechanic.
      One to two weeks is pretty standard timeframe to do this kind of repair. 20 days sounds a little excessive but hopefully since they gave a range it won’t be near the top of the range.

      • ck

        +1

        This is absolutely true.

        The damage is often under the bumper, which is just a cosmetic piece. And it is often not cheap if you have to replace/paint the bumper regardless. Body work is very pricey. It does often cost thousands of dollars. It is also fair that if this is a Germany car and they want equivalent replacement parts, that is their right. You hit and damaged their item.

        We have been rear-ended multiple times.

        And yes – your insurance should be involved. And yes, your insurance will cover the rental car for as long as it takes. But yes, your insurance may require they get an estimate from your insurance’s local, preferred repair place.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, sometimes a bumper and not a bumper-cover just needs to be replaced.

          But to the point above, German cars are serviced every day across America without needing to be in the shop for up to 21 days (!!?) or special order import parts. If the Super Special German Car is that delicate, maybe it shouldn’t be out on the road?

      • H

        Hmm, I had to get my back bumper replaced a couple years ago and it only took two days. And less than $1000. But I don’t have a luxury brand car so maybe that’s the difference.

        • Anon

          And some cars are even worse than others. I have an Audi and they are SO.PARTICULAR. about their parts, including their very own Audi-branded oil, and not to mention highlyyyy expensive. I can’t imagine what something like this might cost to replace if my car got hit.

          … BUT THAT’S WHY YOU HAVE INSURANCE. Beyond the simple coverage they offer, they are also the “expert” and see zillions of accidents per year for all auto types. They should be opining on what’s reasonable, not you.

        • Anon at 11:06

          My car’s an old Toyota, so definitely not luxury. “Several thousand” is probably an exaggeration, but it was over $2000 and took about 10 days (the repair itself took a day or two, but it took a week for the part to come in and they didn’t want me driving the car until it was fixed).

    • Anonymous

      I’ll come from the other side -when someone hit my bumper and scratched it, it did cost $3500 to repair the plastic part and repaint it. My car was in the shop for several days.

    • Pompom

      I had this happen years ago, same damage, etc. to this guy’s rental car. It wasn’t even his. The rental agency was like, dude, no big, we won’t even ding you, be on your merry way. They told me I was fine, and they meant it. Still told my insurance company.

      But the other driver came back and said he had bodily injuries, which was bs, and my insurance company made him go away. No premium hike at all. They were awesome, glad I let them in on it when I did. That’s what I pay ’em for!

    • Scarlett

      Go through insurance. You gain nothing by handling this yourself – you could pay her off and you won’t get a release, so she could still make a claim with your carrier. Also, if she develops an injury, your insurance company doesn’t have the underlying damage evidence. This is what insurance is for.

      • Anonymous

        + 1 million

        If you don’t get the release, next thing you know she has a soft tissue injury. And since you paid once and didn’t’ report it, people will assume that you did something really bad.

    • Anon

      UGH, I hate when people think they’ve hit the insurance jackpot. A woman once rammed into the side of my car as I was backing slowly out of my driveway (so it was my fault, regardless of the fact that she was speeding on my residential street). Not only was it an at fault accident for me, but she decided she needed to go to the ER just to get checked out, they found nothing amiss, and then she wanted compensation for pain and suffering. That turned the claim from a physical damage claim into a major medical claim and I ended up in the assigned risk pool. Total nightmare.

      Nothing but commiseration. Get your insurance company involved. She’s cray.

    • NOLA

      I did the same almost two years ago. Same result. I had to go to my insurance company. Her bumper had sensors in it, etc. that made it much more expensive than it would seem and she had to rent a car. My insurance has gone up in a crazy amount, but I’m just riding it out.

    • Anon

      This is why you have insurance. I’ve been on both sides of this. Guy rear ended me. I had a minor scratch on my Mercedes bumper, and the dealership took 2 weeks to fix it at over $3000. His insurance company paid it, and I don’t think there was any question that it was legit. I got nothing from it except my car in the same shape it was before he hit it (and the inconvenience of a rental that was smaller and not as nice as my car). There’s painting involved. However minor the damage, it still requires work to fix it, and she can’t drive her car while it’s being worked on? A rental is completely appropriate.

      I have also rear ended someone. My insurance company took care of it. I don’t even know how much they paid, and I don’t care. It did nothing to my premiums, and it wasn’t my issue to deal with. Because I have insurance.

    • OP

      Thank you all! I feel so much better! Called my insurance and they are taking care of it. You all made me feel much better about life.

  20. Anon

    I’m planning a baby shower and I would like to set up a little onesie decorating station. I found plain assorted onesies, bibs, and hats and ordered fabric markers. However, I’d like to have a bunch of iron-ons that you can mix and match. Where do you buy those? Any recommendations online? I’m going to look at some craft stores this weekend, but I would prefer ordering stuff online, if possible.

    • anon

      Iron-ons can be tricky. I would stick to iron-on patches, letters, appliques, and avoid iron-on transfers. Transfers require a lot of pressing, a very, very hot iron and no steam at all. They can show up blurry if the transfer shifts under the iron and are prone to fading. Patches are so much easier.

    • Anonymous

      Michaels! I was actually tempted to decorate my daughter’s plain white onesies with these. They have a ton near the fabric selection.

    • anon a mouse

      Instead of (or in addition to) iron-ons, consider making stencils with freezer paper. Super easy, and you could make some in advance for people, and then have freezer paper if they want to make their own custom ones.

    • Fishie

      I don’t know if this would work for a baby shower, but when a co-worker had a baby we made iron on decals on a color printer and put them on white onesies as a gift. He’s an affable sporty guy, so we made decals that said stuff like, “Do you even lift, bro?” You could ask people to submit ideas for iron ons and make the onesies yourself before the shower or have people make and bring one already made (although it’s kind of a PITA and you need a color printer).

    • Miss

      I went to a baby shower where we decorated onesies with markers (I can’t remember if they were special fabric markers or just sharpies). It was easier than I expected and was a fun activity. You can get iron ons or fabric markers and paint at JoAnns or Michaels.

    • lawsuited

      Don’t do it. My sister and I are pretty crafty so we thought nothing of setting up a onesie decorating station with iron-on decals, fabric paint and tie-dye options at her baby shower. The attendees were not crafters, and it was an unmitigated disaster. Someone ironed decals directly onto the ironing board, someone got a steam burn, someone else got fabric paint on an upholstered chair, and someone splashed herself and her friend with fabric dye. I felt like I was in a freaking comedy movie playing a ne’erdowell babysitter.

      Also, the onesies were hideous.

  21. Cookbooks

    My mother’s sister is not doing well. Like, really not well. My mom has been with her for the last two weeks and will be there for one more. My poor aunt has been through chemo twice for breast cancer, the second time because it metastasized into the intestines. She never totally bounced back after that. She was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor (I don’t know if it’s benign or what), after suffering intense headaches and cognitive issues. My father seems to think that this is it, that she’s just doing too poorly to rally again.

    I’ve only spoken to my mom once after she left. My cousin is there also, along with my mother’s brother. My uncle is exhausted and overwhelmed. I can’t talk about this with any of my friends, at my mother’s request, so here I am. I don’t know what to do if my aunt passes–my mother is going to be a disaster and in the past, I’ve only managed to unintentionally aggravate her, like when my grandmother died. It’s not as though I could help with any arrangements, as it would be out of the country, and I don’t even know if my mother will be there when it happens or she will be here and then go back…

    My mother is very close to her sister and so far has refused to consider (at least with me) that this might be end of line. If things go badly, how can I support her?

    • Anon

      I’m not sure why trying to get your mother to consider that her sister may be dying is something you consider supporting her. I wouldn’t want that kind of support either. That sounds pretty tone deaf to be honest.

      Your mom is an adult. She’s handling it. You don’t have to handle anything right now. Just see what happens, and then if there are arrangements to be made, offer to help. The entire death/funeral industry is set up to be arranged after a person deceases. You don’t have to make arrangements ahead of time.

      I’m sorry for what you are going through with potentially losing your aunt.

      • Cookbooks

        I don’t consider getting her to see that this might be it as support. Perhaps I said it poorly, but I guess its I don’t want to see her crushed if she holds on to false hope.

        Since all this is happening abroad, culturally, I don’t know how arrangements are handled. And I can’t really do anything else since I’m not there. It’s really just a question of how I help my mother if her sister passes. I usually don’t know what to do.

        • Anon

          She’ll be crushed either way. Hope is what she’s latching on to in the interim so she can make it through her own day to day. Let her be.

          My mom lost her sister 14 years ago. Best, best friends. Terrible, 13-month battle with brain cancer. There was nothing… NOTHING… we could do or say to make it better or worse. Some days my mom was optimistic. Some days she was a sobbing mess. All I could do was be there and not judge her for any reaction she felt, however rational or irrational I thought it was. I also had to find the time for me to mourn – I realized I definitely couldn’t support her if I couldn’t handle and process my own emotions.

          My aunt’s death is a giant, gaping open wound to this day. I have a sister that insists my mom should be ‘over it’ because it’s been so long. I think what my mom needs is support for her emotions, not someone trying to tell her to not have them or to feel different feelings… which, while well intentioned, is what it sounds like you’re trying to do with your mom; have her let go of her hope and face “reality”.

          Let her be. It will be hard, and it will suck, and years will go by and it will still be hard. And that’s perfectly ok.

          • Anon

            Also, providing “support” for your mom after your aunt’s death does not mean fixing/making your mom better. That was a big realization — I wasn’t going to make my mom stop crying. I was able to make sure she had what she needed as far as basic necessities to get through her days, especially in the year immediately after the death. Something to keep in mind.

          • SC Lawyer

            My mother, in her late 70’s, lost her sister 5 years ago 29 days after an ovarian cancer diagnosis. My aunt was my mother’s best friend and she grieves deeply to this day. I just try to be there for her and acknowledge her feelings. Also very sad for me is that the emotional trauma seems to have adversely impacted my mother’s sweet and funny personality. She is highly anxious now and much more quick tempered. It was a horrible loss.

        • Anonymous

          She’s going to be crushed no matter what. Trust me, the words “brain tumor” are visceral. People don’t “unhear” them. She probably wakes up at night thinking about it and grieving it and looking for a shred of hope.

          If I were her, I’d be avoiding the topic with you, as well. The “inadvertently offending her” part might merely be that your mom simply has zero emotional reserves to respond to your overtures or meet you halfway.

          • Cookbooks

            I’ve never offended her. In fact, I haven’t really talked to her about it at all for precisely this reason. I don’t know what to say, so I haven’t said anything. My dad has been pushing for me to call to speak to her and my aunt, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

          • loss

            It is much worse that you are not calling. You just call and listen. Say I love you, and am so so sorry your are dealing with this. Hope with her. Ask if she is eating, sleeping. And just listen. Let her cry.

            If your Dad is pushing you, call as soon as possible. Your silence is deafening.

        • Nudibranch

          You might find it useful to Google the “Stages of Grief”, the “Circle of Care”, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and some Hospice literature. I think you’re expecting your Mom to treat this logically (like you?). That’s not necessarily appropriate. Death, dying and grief is not an entirely logical process.

          Maybe try to help her in a way ‘she’ needs, not the way you think she ‘should’ need.

    • ck

      She knows. I promise you…. she knows.

      It is quite cruel, actually, to throw reality into her face. Don’t do it. She knows.

      She has every right to keep as much hope as she wants going. She is doing this for her sister – not only for herself.

      When my mother was dying the most awful comments I got were from close family members… why can’t she just accept it….? Are you kidding me?!?!?!? It’s death. With metastatic cancer death, it is often painful. It’s awful. And most people don’t want to die.

      Do not send flowers. Send food, for your Mom. Send a gift certificate for a cleaning service. Send warm snuggly blanket/robe. Send pictures. Send a card to your aunt, filled with happy memories you have of her, and of your Mom and your Aunt together. They will read it and re-read it together. It will reassure them that you love them, will remember them, and you appreciate what they have done for you. That’s what most people want when they are dying.

      Call regularly. Just ask how she is doing. And listen. I’m so sorry. That’s all you need to say.

      Agree with visiting.

    • Anon

      I would do more frequent quick check in calls with your mother to let them know. A few minutes out of your evening in case she needs an ear and if she doesnt, just to let her know they are in your thoughts. Also, send food.

  22. RKT

    If anyone is looking for an opaque white top, you might try this Gap ponte top:

    http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?vid=2&pid=873775052

    I have been looking for a new opaque white top for roughly (I am not kidding, because I know when I found the last one) about 15 years, and this was the first one I had luck with. I am busty, so finding something that doesn’t show all my bra outline was a challenge. I now have a stockpile. :)

    • Linda from HR

      The Gap has been really good about having opaque tops, most of mine are from there, but it varies season to season, so I’m glad to hear they have some good ones right now.

  23. Boost My Morale

    Due to a series of things out of my control I got plopped into a job I’m grossly overqualified for and it’s really making me sad. Its so demoralizing and demeaning to do most of my daily work tasks. I’m working on getting a better job (because I’ve fixed the issues out of my control aka bureaucratic errors) but at this point I would literally take a 10/h internship as long as it was high skilled work in my field. Thanks for reading

    • Anon

      Oof. I get where you’re coming from but you should work on an attitude change. It will help you feel better and I’m assuming the people you work with, who I bet are able to tell that you think you’re too good for this job.

      • Boost My Morale

        I mean I think they can probably tell, but they routinely ask me to do complex tasks no one else in the office has the skillet for so they must know I have ambitions beyond the job. Or maybe they think it’s normal? Idk.

        • Anonymous

          I’m in the same boat only mine was taking this job after a layoff. No idea. I’m working on getting a better job. I met with a recruiting firm last week and they kind of encouraged me to do temping (ie leave my full time job) because “no job is permanent”.

    • Anon

      I’ve been there, and it was so hard mentally. I totally get where you’re coming from. I understand what Anon 12:12 is saying about an attitude change, but it’s tough when you’re in that place. My mental health really took a hit.

      I don’t have really helpful advice. I started job hunting after about one month and in less than a year I had landed something much, much better. So, no great advice, but from one internet stranger to another, I get it. It’s hard.

    • MKB

      Can you concentrate on the relationships you have at work while you’re looking for your next thing/waiting to get whatever bureaucratic stuff figured out? Even if the work itself sucks (and I feel you, it’s painful to be in that situation) maybe you can make your time in that role better.

      Also, just wanted to echo what Anon@1:29 said – it will get better, because you won’t be stuck there forever.

  24. Anonymous

    How do FH and I reconcile our different wants in terms of a wedding? He wants a court house wedding, followed by going out to dinner with our families. Super quick, cheap, informal. I used to want that too, but now that we’ve decided to get married, and more of our peers have had weddings I’ve had a change of heart… I now want a small, intimate, wedding with family and super-close friends only. He says the cost of that + the stress of planning it is already giving him anxiety. In terms of cost, we have a lot of money saved and could easily afford it, he just would prefer to spend it on something else (a killer honeymoon, a large downpayment). The idea of dragging him to participate in a wedding he doesn’t want breaks my heart, but the idea of not having a “real” wedding breaks my heart too.

      • Pesh

        Set up a time to discuss it so that you can both gather your thoughts, wants, and come in the mood to compromise. Don’t put a label on the type of wedding…instead of saying “courthouse wedding” or “intimate wedding”, work out how many people you’d like to have at the ceremony, and how many you’d like at the reception. Discuss who those people are. 50 or 75 people could seem huge to your FH on paper, but once you start naming who those 50 people would be, he might realize how quickly that number gets eaten up (“that would mean we couldn’t invite Aunt Mary”, etc.) Once you have your number worked out, move on to discussing venues and the benefits of your choices (having the ceremony and reception at the same venue could mean less planning, etc).

        • Anonymous

          THIS!

          DH was all about the teeny tiny wedding until he realized that just our parents, siblings, grandparents, godparents and 5 close friends each was like 35 people.

    • Anonymous

      What exactly is the difference between a courthouse wedding followed by dinner out with your families and “small intimate wedding with family and super-close friends only”? Those sound like the same thing to me, unless “small intimate wedding” is something fancier. How about a small destination wedding that requires little planning?

      I was sort of like your fiance in this scenario. I wanted a classy, romantic elopement to get married somewhere really cool, like on top of a mountain. My husband wanted our friends and family to be there. Because it was so important to him, I agreed to a small formal wedding that turned out lovely but was very stressful for me because I come from a different segment of society (my people have wedding receptions in the church basement with cake and punch) and I hate being the center of attention socially. I am glad my husband got what he wanted, but I still sometimes wish I could look back on the romantic elopement I had wished for. You and your fiance need to come to an agreement about what’s important to you as a couple, then have the wedding that best fits that shared vision.

      • nutella

        I agree with the first paragraph in that these don’t sound all that much different to me. What are the values underlying your want and his want? In other words, if he wants it to be quick, perhaps your vision could also be ‘quick.’ If he wants it to not be expensive, I’m sure your vision could be that, too. If you want it in a pretty location, I’m sure his vision could accommodate that, too. I guess your weddings don’t sound all that different to me and remember that the ceremony — even in a big church wedding — is still a short part and not the most expensive part either. It sounds like you two actually want the same thing for the reception.

        And as for courthouse weddings, like any venue, you should visit before you decide. I have seen some really chic, modern courthouse weddings but our local courthouse has no windows, depressing lighting, and smells like a hospital. So check it out – it may be exactly what you and your fiance are looking for or exactly not!

    • Anonymous

      It doesn’t sound like you are that far apart. Start off making a list of what each of you really want and sit down for a few good chats. If the planning is stressful for him then you could offer to take on a bunch of that work.

      Write down how you want to feel about your wedding when you look back on it in the future.

      We got married ten years ago. We were lucky that DH’s friends and family were able to travel to my hometown. It really established a lot of nice connections between people who had never met before. Tons of great memories mostly about bringing our family and friends together and feeling the love and support they had for our new life together.

    • Anonymous

      I’d offer to shoulder the burden of planning the wedding, since you want a wedding and he doesn’t.
      As far as cost, have you talked about actual dollar figures? I’m not sure where you’re located but in most parts of the country, you can have a decent wedding for ~50 guests for about $10k. You’re not going to have a live band or foie gras and caviar at that price, but you can still have a really nice ceremony, followed by a fun party with your nearest and dearest. Destination weddings in the Caribbean can also be surprisingly affordable (for the bride and groom, of course you’re asking your guests to spend a lot more on travel in that case). Since you’re talking about down payments, I’d guess you’ve got a lot more than $10k saved and maybe he thinks you’re envisioning a $50k wedding. I feel like talking through the actual numbers might help.

    • Scarlett

      Consider splitting the difference. My husband & I were on the same page, so I didn’t deal with the conflict piece, but we eloped at City Hall (gorgeous in SF & it felt very special – we followed that with dinner at one of the fancy restaurants in town we’d normally never go to, I wore a pretty dress, etc.). Six months later we had a dinner for our immediate family & close friends – we booked a private room in a restaurant that accommodated 50 people, kept our guest list to the absolute closest of friends & it was pretty low stress & we got all the intimate/small wedding benefits. I joke I planned everything on a post-it – by going to a restaurant later & skipping all the wedding reception stuff, it was really easy to plan since they took care of everything.

    • Anonymous

      Late to this thread, but I agree that you can have a “real” but small, intimate wedding and not spend a fortune. My sister got married last weekend – they’re in their 50s, second marriage for each – with only 40 guests. The wedding and reception both were on the patio of a beautiful restaurant that is somewhat in the country. It had lovely landscaping, fairy lights and fire pits already there, so they didn’t need to do any decorating; for flowers, they must had tiny vases on the tables. The ceremony was short and informal; they recited their own vows in front of one of the fires, with the guests assembled around in a semi-circle. Champagne was passed around, then cocktails and appetizers were served on the deck and then there was a sit-down dinner on another part of the deck where tables were set up. They used an iphone or spotify playlist for music and just had to pay for the speakers. If I had to guess, I’d say the cost was under $8000. And it was beautiful.

  25. Oh so anon

    I’m just needing to vent a bit. I am feeling so weird today because I forgot to powder my face. I have primer, foundation, eyebrows, mascara, and lip gloss, but no powder. I’m not too worried about how I look, because Friday, but I just feel so off!

    • Miss

      I know the feeling. I forgot mascara one time and felt off the entire day (I actually brought a sample mascara bottle that I keep at my desk now). This week can’t end soon enough.

    • Scarlett

      Toilet seat covers are great to use as blotting paper. Not a total fix, but if you use powder to keep from getting shiny, this can help.

    • Anon

      If it makes you feel better ….

      I used to use a mascara that included a base coat of primer. The primer was white and opaque.

      There was a senior executive visiting from my company’s home office and I stopped to chat with him for a while. He was looking at me with his head tilted to the side.

      I went to the ladies room and saw that I had forgotten to put the black mascara over the primer.

      I still feel very embarrassed telling this story.

    • Anon

      Maybe just my makeup ignorance, but aren’t foundation and powder the same thing? What does powder do?

      • Anon

        Foundation comes in liquid form, and powder sets it to help it last longer and reduce shine

        • Anon.

          Foundation does not just come in liquid form. My powder is also foundation but I need to double up due to oiliness.

  26. Anon

    Thanks all for quick headed-out-the-door breakfast recs a couple of weeks ago. I’ve mostly been Luna Bar-ing it but I finally got organized and made overnight oats and Oh My God yum!!!

    I made the recipe from Minimalist baker verbatim. I had to get my hands on some chia seeds but worth it!

    I topped them with freeze dried strawberries this morning before I headed out and by the time I got to work the strawberries were just mushy enough but not disintegrated. So good.

    Thanks!!

  27. Sloan Sabbith

    What multivitamin do you take?

    Important: I need ADEK plus calcium, not prenatal, mid-20s. I know I need a multivitamin, but the ones my doctor prescribed make me vomit so I was told to just find one that I can tolerate.

    I have a super sensitive stomach.

    • PatsyStone

      No multivitamin here, but my doctor tells me to take the medications that make me nauseated at night before bed. I never even notice now.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        That was the idea for this, but I woke up vomiting in the middle of the night after taking the prescribed multivitamin, so that’s out. It was with Zofran. :/

        • Min Donner

          Long shot, but any chance you’re lactose intolerant (or sensitive to some other ingredient in the pills)? My husband recently discovered his intolerance, and has been able to eliminate or significantly reduce a number of seemingly random and unrelated symptoms/ occurrences (such as vomiting) by being really strict about lactose. Surprisingly (to us) a number of medications contain lactose – and while it’s probably not much (given the size of pills, etc.), it is still enough to give him a grumbling of discomfort.

    • apple

      Calcium pills upset my stomach. (Chewables are just fine, for some reason.) Is it possible you’re having a reaction to the calcium in the multivitamin? And, based on my experience, you might try a chewable multivitamin.

      • Anonymous

        +1 for chewable vitamins. When I was pregnant my OB let me take Flintstones instead of prenatals because they were the only thing that didn’t make me throw up.

    • Vitamins

      I have tried a bunch of different vitamins! And a lot of them give me nausea. I have settled on Thorne Basic Nutrients. (There are a few varieties; I personally take “Basic Nutrients V” because iron and iodine are counterindicated for me.) I am particular about folate vs. folic acid and about some other B-vitamin formulations, and it meets all my requirements. I take two a day rather than six, so it’s not as expensive as it could be (it is pretty expensive; I buy from Amazon).

      It looks like it might not have enough E or A for you? But it may be somewhere to start.

    • loss

      How much of these vitamins do you need.

      Honestly, I buy the gummy adult multivitamins and the calcium”caramels” from Costco. Delicious.

      You need your vitamin D level to be monitored though to figure out how much vitamin d you need. I need to take a separate vitamin d supplements.

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