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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Of Mercer is one of my favorite places to shop for classic-looking office pieces. This short-sleeved sheath is cut beautifully, and the vibrant cobalt color would look beautiful in person or on a video screen.
Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the belted dress look these days, but the belt is removable, so no big deal. I would probably wear this with a dark navy blazer for a more formal look, but I think the short sleeves would be totally office-appropriate on their own.
The dress is $215 at Of Mercer and comes in sizes 00–14. It also comes in black.
Two more affordable alternatives are from Lauren Ralph Lauren (on sale for $114.99; XS–XXL) and Calvin Klein (on sale for $89.98, 2–12). This option from Sumissura is made to measure and is $109 and up.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anon
I bought one Of Mercer dress maybe 5 years ago. I love a lot of their styes, but was really disappointed in the fabric. It felt almost plastic-y/canvas-y and rustled loudly. Have other people had better experiences? I’d love to give them another try because I still need a lot of classic workwear.
Anonymous
I tried Of Mercer around that same time and was disappointed in both the fabric and the construction. The whole dress just looked and felt cheap.
Ellen
I’d go for the Calvin Klein. His stuff is much more predicable and as you can see from Elizabeth’s listing, much less expensive. You can get 2 and wear both and you will be ahead of the game Dad says. I am even showing the Calvin’s to the manageing partner since he is now allowing me to buy new dresses post COVID! YAY!!!!! I can only hope that people won’t think of me as to old to wear this dress. After all, I still am relatively svelte, tho I will buy size 2 and size 4 to see which is better for me given my tuchus size. FOOEY! If only I could have Rosa’s body, but that would require me to excercise 2 hours a day! DOUBEL FOOEY on that!
Anon
The dress would be a really useful basic if it’s good quality. I don’t know this brand at all. Does anyone here have more recent reports?
Anon
I bought a couple of dresses from them and was not impressed by the quality at all. Moreover, I bought a pair of their beekman pants (I’m a sucker for a colorful pull on trouser) and after the first wear they had holes at the seams. I contacted them regarding the issue and they refused any comment. Such a difference from some of their competitors who make higher quality with better service.
Duckles
Same, they got so much buzz and I like the styles but I’m not paying $75 for a polyester shirt or $215 for a polyester dress
Cb
Is anyone really bad at finishing things? I’m an academic so basically beyond teaching, I write, with few deadlines and even less oversight. And I’m just awful at getting things 80% done and then getting stuck. I think it’s partially rooted in anxiety about people thinking it’s rubbish, mean reviews making me question my existence, but I really struggle with that internal accountability? Co-authorship is fine – if I’m accountable to someone else, I’m great, but I’m 6 months overdue on a paper and it likely only needed a week’s worth of work.
Anne-on
Yes, but it’s totally an ADHD symptom for me. I work much better with a firm deadline and accountability, or (as that’s not always feasible) I need to break things down into chunks, as checking things off my list in small pieces if more ‘fun’ for my brain and allows me to tackle things in stages vs. going omg, I have a massive report to do and I’m so behind that I don’t even know where to start. So, can you chunk it out into say ’30 minute review of draft, write chapter 10, edit chapter 10, write chapter 11, etc.’ (easy tasks that I can fit into open spaces in my calendar) vs. ‘finish paper’ (big unachievable monolith that I never have enough open time to fiinsh).
Cb
Yes, definitely. Like I’m always on top of my grading, because I grade one paper and get that little dopamine hit for completing something. In other papers, I’ve found it helpful to make a really granular to do list (ie. find quote about X) and say “I’ll do 5 things off the list…” letting myself do the easy things first. But this paper is going to be the death of me. I can’t even face the theory for it.
Anonymous
Would you like to make yourself accountable to us? If you set a deadline, tell us about it, and post every day about your progress, we’ll help you / champion you / prod you.
avocado
Cb, if you post a burner e-mail, I’ll be your accountability partner. I have a paper I’m struggling with too.
Anonymous
Oh my god I would totally be part of the cheer squad! Wooh Cb, you can do it!
Anonymous
I have the opposite problem–I can’t get started on a paper. Getting started at all is the hardest, but even starting on a new section or getting going for the day is difficult. Once I’ve gotten into the swing of things it’s easier to keep going. I have a lit review I need to complete this week and haven’t even been able to make myself open Zotero yet.
Cb
Oh I love starting things! Things are shiny and new, and I have ideas. Maybe we should be co-authors and I should start them and you finish them?
I think this article is particularly painful b/c it is retreading PhD stuff and I’ve moved on.
anon
I don’t know if you’ve ever read about Gretchen Rubin’s 4 tendences, but I am totally the Obliger personality. Meaning that if I’m not accountable to someone, I can struggle to stay on track. I notice this especially with tasks that only affect me and not others, like the paper you’re describing. I’m great with a deadline. I’m great when I’m working with people. I’m less great when left to my own devices. So, it helps to have some built-in accountability in some way, whether that’s providing a regular update to someone, or tracking progress on an app, or whatever. I also think in my case, it’s at least partially anxiety-driven, in addition to the obliging thing.
Ellen
I love Gretchen Rubin! I think she was a big lawyer somewhere before she had babies and start writing books! I am so busy working on gathering information for my Dad to file my taxes! I just can’t get interested in doing it and he says he only has 2 weeks! I think he has 3 but he knows I am a procreastinator so that is why he is on my case.
I let him do the taxes every year for me b/c they are very complicated and he needs info from the manageing partner to file the partnership piece of the return, and other information from Ed, who handles my investements, as well as others I do not even know about! Thank goodness for men! At least they are good for at least 1 other thing then the bedroom, tho my ex was a complete zero in that department.
If anyone in the HIVE knows about partnership distributions, please respond here and we can meet up off line b/c I am totally lost when Dad explains it to me and I do not want him to think I am that dumb. TIA!
nuqotw
Yes! This is the hallmark of academia and I am right there with you. The last 20% of the job is so hard and by then I’m completely sick of the paper.
Anyway, let’s agree on a deadline for each other. I’m will send out to a journal my goddamn second dissertation chapter (6 years after defending!) by June 30.
Anonymous
Go nuqotw! You can do it!!!
ArenKay
Also an academic, and struggled with this for YEARS. Got over it by taking advice I’d been giving students for years: completed mediocrity is better than procrastinated perfection. I decided eff it, will finish things off and get them off the desk, and it’s just been easier to publish ever since. And while some reviewers are still nasty, they are the minority. I will also be an accountability partner!
Cb
Thanks everyone! I finished empirical section 2 and 3. Tomorrow I will finish empirical section 1 and outline the theory (which is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do, but the reviewers hated the lit…)
Anon
there are some great accountability groups that are free or low cost, suggest Googling.
also worth a Google is the idea of a crappy first draft.
anon at 905 am, I’ll get you started: this paper is about the great work my team and i completed in pink teapot lids. we find compelling evidence that they are strikingly similar to blue teapot kids, However….
now you can correct me ; )
Nesprin
Another Academic, struggling with ADHD. Been there, done that, still haven’t finished the papers.
Anon2day
Also in academics, also an obliger with rebel tendencies (!). I will join your accountability groups if you post a burner email, too! I keep telling myself
“Do The Thing” can help if smaller chunks, but the struggle is real.
Anonymous
Has anyone had their floors replaced while living in their home? We need to replace floors on our first floor that includes main living area, dining room, kitchen and master bedroom (and closet). We are getting LVP – so there will be no sanding or staining. So far we have talked with 1 flooring company which stated the standard practice is to totally remove all items from the rooms being refloored before install begins. We used them once before to replace floors in a basement. Moving the furniture and items for that job was manageable. I can see the logic in wanting the rooms clear, but it is also a bit extreme? Looking to see if others have had a similar experience. I can’t imagine moving out of half of the house – with two kids – for a week (or two) while the floors are installed. Not to mention, what do we do with our stuff? Put a pod in a driveway?
Cb
That seems extreme. We just did tiling for the kitchen, utility room, and hall and moved things into the sitting and dining room. I know it’s more efficient to get all the boards down at once, but surely they can move things around.
Anon
I had hardwood installed in a 35×15 room, plus an additional entry hall area. We did not move out. They moved furniture to different ends of the space as needed. If you have very cramped spaces or lots of furniture, this might be more difficult. LVP might be slightly different since a level subfloor is very crucial and they might be installing underlayment as well. Our subfloor was in good shape for hardwood and didn’t need any extra prep.
Anonymous
That’s extreme. I’ve had my entire downstairs floors replaced and we did not have to do this. We stripped the rooms down to basically just the furniture – all breakables packed away, things removed from surfaces, etc. The guys moved all the furniture to one side of the room (or in an adjacent room), installed that part of the flooring and then moved furniture back. We also didn’t have to move out of our house – one to two weeks to install LVP also seems extreme. I’ve worked with two different flooring companies and they both were this same way.
Anonymous
Same. The only time we had to completely remove the furniture was when we had hardwood floors refinished.
Leatty
We replaced the floors (everywhere except bathroom and laundry room) in our house several years ago and just paid the flooring company extra to move all of the furniture into the garage. We got all of the small stuff off the floor, but otherwise left it to them. I think we paid $500 or so, and it was worth every penny.
Anonymous
Er are you just expecting the company to move your furniture for you and do some sort of endless shuffle? Yes of course the rooms need to be empty, your furniture is literally sitting on the floor.
Bonnie Kate
Nope, that’s actually a reasonable expectation that a lot of flooring companies offer – you pay extra for them to shuffle the furniture around into the rooms they’re not working on, then they move it back.
Especially with LVP, this really is quite easy. It would be completely different if OP was getting wood floors put in and finished.
Anon
Go back and re-read the post. That’s not at all what she’s expecting, cranky.
Bonnie Kate
Agree it seems extreme to move everything out and it is not standard practice where we are. We had commercial LVP put in our offices last year and for a couple hundred dollars the flooring company moved the major furniture from one side of the offices to the other, did the flooring, and flip flopped everything.
I could see them requesting you to move all loose/personal items from the furniture though, so that when they move the furniture they don’t have stuff flying all over.
Also do they really think it’s going to take a week or two? Of course I don’t know how big your house is, but LVP is so fast to install…when we built it was all laid in a day in ~1500 square feet. Granted that was mostly open, just working around some other contractor stuff. I think they had a 3 person crew, if I remember correctly.
Anon
We had our floors sanded and refinished and had to have everything off of them. For this reason we did one floor this past summer and had it done while we were gone on vacation. I was able to move the couch to like the mudroom which has tile and other heavy things like books into the bathroom but things like the dining room table had to be taken out to the garage. It was a hassle.
Anon
We had LVP put in in August and we had to have all of the rooms being replaced empty. We were able to just jigsaw puzzle the furniture into the rooms not being redone. It ended up working out because once they pulled out the old floor, they realized the concrete needed to be releveled before the LVP could be installed and so they had to apply this leveling concrete mixture and it needed time to dry. If they had to shuffle the furniture around, there’s no way it would have all been dried and able to be completed on the second day.
The Lone Ranger
We’ve done it two times so far (hardwood in the dining room/living room, then tile in the kitchen, hallway, and family room) and moved all the furniture out both times. The flooring company would have done it, but the charge was almost as much as the flooring and installation. We’re getting ready to do our primary bedroom and bathroom and assume we will need to do the same, although we haven’t picked a flooring company yet. For the first one, we moved the dining room set into the family room, it was about a 4 days of work, for the 2nd, it was longer, and we stored everything in the dining and living room. It was harder because we were without access to our kitchen for about a week.
Cat
It’s either move it out, or pay extra for them to shuffle the furniture around throughout the job.
Anon
We had carpet replaced with vinyl plank flooring in four rooms in our house back in 2019. We worked with a professional installer – it was him and an assistant – and we only had to move furniture out of whatever room he was working in at the time. Two of the rooms connected so he had us move the furniture out of both of those rooms, so that he could make the junction between the rooms look right without worrying about furniture in either room getting damaged. But then we only had to move other furniture as he got to those other rooms, i.e., our son was able to sleep in his room until the day the flooring needed to get installed in there and he was back in his room the same evening. I frankly think it’s weird to do it any other way, especially if bedrooms are involved? I would push back on this or find a different installer.
Anone
+1
Anonymous
How do you expect them to install flooring with stuff on the floor?! Of course you need to move everything out
Anone
We did this on the whole first floor of our old house, and had to move the furniture/stuff out of each room as we went. Like, they worked on the living room for two days. For those two days we had all the LR stuff piled in the dining room. Then they moved to the dining room, and we moved all that stuff into the sitting room. Etc. Not fun but we got through it. I do think they helped a bit with moving some of the furniture, but we did move most of it.
Anon
I’m feeling stuck in life and am wondering if any of you see a way to get unstuck that I’m missing. I’m mid-30s, no kids, lawyer, live in a condo in a big East Coast city. I want a husband, kids, pets, house, etc. I’m trying to meet men but that’s been limited to dating apps for the last two years, which haven’t been successful. I thought about going to gym classes to meet men but that still seems a little risky with Covid. I’ve thought about getting a dog to meet men but my building doesn’t allow them and I’d need a yard to make that work. I’ve thought about buying a house so I can get a dog but the only ones I can afford are 45-60 min from the city and would take me into suburban areas populated by families. I can wfh three days a week so I could handle the longer commute downtown but I’m worried I might feel more lonely. I’ve thought about joining a social sports league to meet men but those leagues are filled with people in their 20s so I’m a little old for it. I go sit at a coffee shop and read once a week but I haven’t met anyone that way yet. My job is okay, I don’t love it, but it has enough positives to not leave it. I like sports, fitness, art, nature, keeping up on current events. I just feel like I’m stuck in a big rut and it’s really bringing me down but I can’t figure out how to get out of it. Am I missing something?
Anon
Join a running or cycling club, and join your local chapter of ACS (or Fed Soc, if you lean that way). That gets your sports, fitness, and current events needs met, and increases the chances that you’ll meet a 30-something, professional man.
Anonymous
I’m sorry- that’s so hard. I don’t have a ton of advice, but just anecdotally every good relationship I’ve seen of people meeting who are around our age (mid-30s) has come through the dating apps. Maybe just really dig in and go all in on trying to find someone through that route? It seems too hard and unpredictable to count on just happening to meet someone at a dog park, etc.
Anonymous
Running clubs in my city tend to skew older than rec sports, might be a way to meet people? Are there any associations you can join for your interests? Maybe an art one?
Pep
You can volunteer to walk shelter dogs. Also, if you want to meet men with dogs, you don’t need to have one yourself. I’ve walked up to plenty of people while out on walks (both men and women) and asked if I could meet their dog. (Always ask first)
Anonymous
This. People of all ages and genders come up to me and ask to pet my dog all the time. Not awkward at all. Any dog owner who is the kind of person you’d like to meet will be happy to let you chat with him and his dog.
Anon
I know someone who got a dog and met so many people just walking and going to dog parks. Rather than move to the suburbs, move to a building that allows dogs and get one if it otherwise fits your lifestyle.
Panda Bear
+1! A dog is such a joy. I would consider moving to a building that allows one and start enjoying that companionship now, even if it never helps you meet someone. You’ll have fun anyway! You already wfh three days a week, which is awesome since you’ll be home to walk it, and then look for a dog walker or doggy day care twice a week.
Anon
You have to put yourself out there! It sounds like you have a lot of excuses as to why the common ways to meet people won’t work, I think you need to just put yourself out there and see if they’ll work for you rather then deciding they won’t. I don’t think you can reasonably expect an activity like reading a book in a coffee shop to lead to a relationship. Kindly, doing so will likely up your COVID risk a bit so if you’re able to relax your risk tolerance (such as attending workout classes) a bit, I think that will help.
I would not recommend buying a house and moving to the burbs, as it will only make it harder to meet people! I don’t think getting a dog to meet men at the dog park is a strong enough reason to get a dog, but you can definitely have a dog without a yard, it’s just a bit more work. If you live in a condo, I’m assuming you own and unless you really want a dog I don’t think it’s worth selling your condo and moving to a new pet friendly apt/condo. Do you have a friend with a dog? Could you offer to walk the dog/take it to the park once a week? I think it’d be totally normal/not weird to meet someone at the park and explain “oh this is my friend’s dog and I’m just helping her out by taking the dog to the park” and of course not mention your ulterior motive of hoping to meet someone.
I’ve played on plenty of social sports leagues with people in their 30s, it’s definitely not limited to the 20 something crowd. I also play in a more competitive league and that has people of all ages as well (though higher skill levels).
You sound like you have a lot of interests – do you do anything with sports/fitness/nature/art/current events with a group? I think you should focus on really putting yourself out there – join a sports league, go to a bar to watch the game, go to workout classes, find a hiking group, take art classes at the local art center, sign up for the lecture series at the museum/library, go to bar trivia, etc. I usually do these activities with a friend or two and then we meet other people who are also at the activity. Also – are your friends dating anyone and if so, do those SOs have friends? Can your friends set you up with someone they know?
Anon
Big hugs. I’m in the same position but it’s so hard. Dating apps are awful but it’s like the only real way to meet people. I don’t have an answer either.
Ellen
You are like me, tho I am now 40, and I have plenty of money but no prospects, and I prefer to stay in the City b/c of my work and shopping and Myrna is here too and she is single, tho she does not care who she sleeps with. I think we ought to form a club of single professional but unfulfilled women who enjoy s-x and relationships, but want more, including a decent guy and kids, given that most guys just want us to pull our panties down for them long enough for them to do their thing and walk away. That is NOT what I want. FOOEY on men like that!
Monday
This is my take too. Dating apps are horrible, unless and until you meet your person there. It’s not guaranteed, but it happens.
I always found doing activities with the purpose of meeting men really disheartening. At least with swiping you can be on your couch with your cat in pajamas.
When I was single, my modes were either “open to dating via apps” or “going about my business with no expectation of meeting anyone.”
Anon
This is very anecdotal but all of my friends group (including myself) met our partners in our 30s and it was divided pretty evenly between meeting online and meeting through friends/social events (dinner party, wedding etc). And we’re a pretty active group who do the things you mention above. If you want to go to the gym, get a dog, or do a team sport for your own personal satisfaction, go for it!!! But I’m not sure they’re the best time investment for meeting a significant other.
Bonnie Kate
Oh hugs, these kind of ruts are hard to get out of because they seem so reasoned….but I think you are close to getting out, you just need a little push to do some of these things you have thought of and dismissed.
Caveat: my below experience is moreso based on meeting friends as an adult, although I think it stands to reason that you could use the same strategies to lead to romantic partners.
If it were me, I’d start with the gym classes that lean toward more males. By that I mean, not yoga or pilate or barre classes. I know you cited covid risk, but if don’t have any high risk situation, this has the biggest potential for meeting people, in my opinion. Something like indoor rock climbing classes would be fun!
If you are high risk or are just absolutely not comfortable with the covid risk, good news – we’re finally headed into spring! There have got to be some outdoor classes coming up in the next few months in your area. Also look at hiking clubs/meet ups. And outdoor art and food festivals – going with the intention to linger and spend some time going through them (I have a tendency to go, do, leave).
The key with any of the classes working to meet people/make friends/build community (all of these things can lead to future husband) is that you have to keep going consistently to the same classes. Find one that you genuinely enjoy, then keep going and be open to the people and small talk around you.
I wouldn’t do the house or dog specifically to meet someone…they’re really high commitment and hard to undo. Do them if you want them, certainly, but not just as a means to a different end goal.
anon
So first off, you have all my sympathies. I met my husband in my very late 30s and was a single woman in a condo in a big east coast city for almost ten years. And yes, it was hard, hard, hard to meet guys. I went to tons of events and activities, and they were full of lovely, smart, engaging, successful…women and g*y men. Who were also trying to meet guys. So I made some great friends, but didn’t have tons of success finding dates in a lot of those spaces. In general, here is what did not work:
-Group exercise classes (maybe men go to OrangeTheory – I’ve heard that from some people)
-Young Professionals events at museums or really anything relating to museums
-Outdoor symphony/arts events
-Church
-the dog park
-loitering in coffee shops, parks, or other public spaces looking my best
-hiking group (I REALLY thought that would have guys, but nope – awesome, fit, outdoorsy women)
Here is where I did end up meeting guys:
-Triathlon club
-Running groups and events (esp ultrarunning)
-Cycling (cycling is, candidly, FULL of thirty- and forty-something guys who are either single or divorced; many of them are a mess but many of them are also quite lovely and generally in extremely good shape)
-Work
Endurance sports seem to draw a slightly older crowd.
Anon
Also good: curling. It is *very* social and there is usually beer.
Anonymous
Ah I’m Canadian and if I were single I’d totally join my local curling club, it seems like all my single male friends curl.
Auburn
Can confirm, almost all of the men in my friend group curl (they regularly have 2-3 teams of 4). According to my husband the curling etiquette is for both teams to get a beer together after the game, so it gives you a good opportunity to meet people!
Anonymous
I would try young professionals events at museums, the symphony, and maybe the ballet. Where I live, all of the organizations have special receptions for the under-40 crowd. That only works if you are looking for a guy who is into the arts, though.
I’d also think of ways to meet friends of friends. Can you host a party or BBQ? A beach get-together?
I am not sure about trying to meet guys through fitness classes or sports groups. A lot of these groups tend to be kind of bro-y, especially the bike riders.
Anne-on
I did OrangeTheory prior to the pandemic and it’s 80-90% women and VERY few men. My husband does crossfit and it’s the oppposite, so maybe look into that?
If you’re thinking of a masters/MBA/doing continuing ed – there are LOTS more men than women studying for their CFA/CFP/CPA exams or taking GMAT/LSAT prep courses from my experiences doing those in my 20s (CFP/GMAT prep for a masters). I had lots of dates from chatting up men in my courses.
anon
Oh, CrossFit is a good idea. Just read a lot of reviews of the various gyms to get a sense of the vibe, but I did it for a few months and there were a lot of single guys at the one I went to. It was a similar crowd to cycling but you didn’t have to have 4 hours free every Saturday morning for a group ride, ha.
anonamouse
Another activity suggestion: Rock Climbing
Climbing gyms are popular right now, and it’s male dominated but not so much that you’d feel unwelcome or out of place. Also tends to be a social crowd, my husband’s gym groups do regular happy hours and bbqs.
Anne-on
Yes! A good friend met her lovely husband at a rock climbing gym. The one by us is also super social and everyone there is so kind.
Anonymous
Also- join a camera club. They sku heavily male and are social.
Anonymous
I agree that dating apps are the best way to meet lots of single people in your age bracket. I met my husband that way at 38 so I know it’s not the easiest but the “meet cute” approach never worked for me. As for the living situation I would spend a year in the burbs and see if you like it. Can you rent a townhouse in a complex that allows dogs? That’s what I did at 34. Everyone told me not to do it but for me I was sick of the city and needed a change. The hobbies and such made me a more interesting person to date but never really helped me find people to date.
Anon
Posted below and almost said the exact same thing. The apps are the only thing worth trying on the dating front – meet cutes happen in the movies. In real life, people looking for relationships are on the dating apps. I met my husband that way too after what seemed like thousands of bad first dates. It only takes one.
Anon
Agree. I have a younger friend who got sick of the dating apps and joined some groups trying to find her “meet cute.” She said she met a number of men who were either toxic bachelors, or were married and trying to find affair partners, but no single guys who were actually interested in having a relationship. She’s now at the move-in stage with a guy she met on Hinge. I think the “sifting” process with groups is just too difficult/takes too long, at least from what she told me. One of the guys in her running group managed to date every single one of the women in the group and then moved to a different running group and started the process all over. It would suck for OP to waste her time with a guy like that.
Anon
Exactly. The pool of available men at all the “meet cute” spots is tiny, and that’s where the only criteria is “available.” If you want to have some choice and find someone for you with attributes beyond “only single guy in the room,”the answer is dating apps.
Anon
Give the apps another real try now that we’re out of the pandemic. I can absolutely see them being a bad experience the last couple of years, but I wouldn’t conflate that with a normal experience. Do you own your condo? You sure you couldn’t get a small dog now? If you’re renting, consider buying a condo or something for yourself in your city – ownership is usually the dog differentiator not the suburbs. Fwiw, I live in a major city in a condo with a small dog and it’s very easy.
Anon
I got a dog and met a ton of people. NONE of them are dating material but they are all very good friends. The one exception would be if your area has breweries that are dog-friendly in which case you will find a ton of dog-friendly guys who like beer and sportsball, but you don’t need a dog to go there (and I’d go anyway — their dog is the ice breaker).
I would use a dating app.
Anon
I agree. I found my bf on a dating app. My brother and sister both found their spouses on a dating app. We have used Bumble, JDate and EHarmony. Also, I think making lots of friends is helpful because you never know who has a single friend or brother or colleague. My vote is to get a puppy and dating apps and put a photo of you and the puppy in the dating profile!
Katrinka
I think the advice for meeting a romantic partner is pretty similar to the advice to make friends – research has shown that the best way to form those relationships is to be in a group of people that gets together in person regularly without anyone have to plan it. That’s why it’s so easy to make friends at school and (sometimes) work. Similar groups outside those contexts include church, sports teams, volunteer organizations, continuing education. Could you even use your job to put yourself “out there” more, such as by attending conferences or going to networking events? Even if you don’t meet someone there, you may hear of an organization or opportunity you could join that would lead to something.
Anon
Keep working the apps; with respect to other ways to meet, stop focusing on meeting, and focus instead on building a fun and satisfying life filled with activities and interests you enjoy. You will be happier, and the chances of meeting someone compatible are so much greater than if your activities are intentionally chosen for “meet”potential.
Anonymous
I agree with this. I viewed the apps as an introduction service–a way to meet interesting people (I was new in my city at the time) and explore new places. I read several books on dating (121 First dates, Love in 90 Days, Data a Love Story, etc) and treated dating like it was my second job. Once I got serious about it, I met my current partner on Bumble after 3 months and going out with 14 different guys. There are lots of good podcasts too about dating. Don’t give up but also enjoy your life.
Anon
I agree with this advice. Nothing wrong with finding in-person hobbies and hoping for the best, but pretty much everyone who is looking for someone is also on the apps. Don’t give up on them entirely. You have to go on soooo many bad first dates to find a good one. It’s a numbers game.
Anon
More advice: get involved in your college and law school alumni groups. You end up meeting people about your age who, e.g., went to your law school’s undergrad college and graduated before you started law school. So you never overlapped but you both went to that institution and are in your 30s.
Curious
Oh my except talk about creepy guys! The women who came to our alumni events were all kinda normal and the guys were leering, older, and skeezy. That was just one alumni group in one city, so YMMV.
Anon
Hmm is this a thing? All the alumni events I’ve ever been to (undergrad, grad, fellowship) had the same situation.
Monday
That’s terrible! I hope someone complains.
Anon
I think my college specifically does young alumni happy hour. I haven’t been to any in my current city, but I went to a bunch when I lived in DC. It was fun because most people were either people I knew or people I knew of, and it was a fun way to occasionally reconnect with someone I’d been friendly with years ago.
Caveat that our schools was 5,000 students and I was both a varsity athlete and in greek life so I literally knew or was a friend of a friend with most people my year.
anon
Just an out of left field suggestion: have you looked into dating coaches? They do exist, and using one was life-changing for me (literally).
Anonymous
Who did you use?
anonpotato
Not Anon 1033 but I worked with Bela Gandhi. She is literally the reason I have a spouse and child now. I had been trying a lot of things but my approach was not very nuanced or strategic. If I had kept doing the same things I would have had the same result.
helloanon
I can relate. I’m a bit older than you and ultimately bought the house in the suburbs and got a dog as a single woman, which has enriched my life immensely. I’ve made some great friends in the burbs – there are actually more single women in their 30s/40s than I expected, though I have made friends with couples too. Dating hasn’t been made easier (or harder, really) by the move. The biggest change is having to drive to meet guys for dates, and I’m still mostly using the apps. When I’m in a rut, the only way I can break out of it is to take baby steps to make a change. Some ideas for you:
– rent in the suburbs for a year or rent a city house/townhome with a yard
– if you will be renting temporarily, foster a dog to see if that lifestyle is for you (it is a HUGE change from living alone and only worrying about yourself)
– sign up for a class or activity – just one a month to start. Meetup can be a great way to meet people; I have a couple of friends who met their SOs through meetup groups.
– sign up to volunteer. Not always the best way to meet guys, but a good way to broaden your social circle and you’ll probably feel pretty great afterward. Some ideas: soup kitchens, food banks, museums, tutoring, retirement home/hospice visits.
Anonymous
+1 to volunteering. Met a v sexy guy (before my husband) that way. Hadn’t thought of it as a dating opportunity, but it really shows you someone’s values. And I always liked meeting people in scenarios where I could observe their character outside the confines of a date.
Anon
IDK — I built a few Habitat houses figuring that would be how you could meet a handy guy with a good heart. Instead, I know how to hang drywall and learned from a bunch of nice church people (one build), some Yale drama alumni (another build in a different city), and then I learned how to cut siding from a civic group where everyone was 2x my age. Good life skills; still lonely.
Ditto being a regular blood donor and helping at drives. I know a lot of nice semi-retired people (who don’t have cute lonely sons).
Anon
Yeah I used to volunteer at the same place every week and now volunteer at a different place every month and it’s a lot of older retired people, church youth groups/school groups, and the few people who are about my age are not people I’d choose to socialize with (like I’m a bleeding heart who wants to help everyone but I also am fun and have an edge to me. These people were either SO NICE that they were dull or that they were offended by sarcasm)
Anonymous
Can you get a townhouse with a fenced yard instead of a whole house? I works great with my dog. Best of both worlds.
Telco Lady JD
I’m late to the party on this, so I’m not sure anyone will see it. But I agree with all the others who have urged you not to give up on the apps! I think you should do the activities that you want to do – really try to branch out and do a couple of things that keep you busy a few nights a week so that you’re not feeling trapped in your house. But also stay on the apps. I did the apps for four years straight before meeting my now-husband and it was…..a slog. Take short breaks if you need to, and try not to fixate on one particular person for a while.
I’d also really recommend flat out telling your good friends that you’d like to be considered for any set ups they think would be a good fit. I think, often, friends don’t want to pry or get involved unless explicitly invited to do so – so invite them to help you out!
Leatty
Do the general rules about short-term jobs apply to internal promotions? I’ve been at my company for 5 years, and was formally promoted within the last 6 months to a job on my same team, but DH and I need to relocate for family reasons, and it won’t be possible to do my current job from our new location. Prior to this job, I had a one-year stint at another company that I fled because it was so poorly managed, so I don’t want to seem like a job hopper. Thoughts?
Anon1
If you’ve been somewhere for 5 years you’re not going to look like a job hopper.
When I worked at a nonprofit many people would get promoted and immediately start job searching because they wanted to have the higher post-promotion salary as a starting point for a new job.
Anonymous
No, I don’t think that counts at all.
Anon
I would just make sure to list it on your CV in a way that demonstrates continuity e.g.
Dates: Company Blah
Dates B-C: Role X
Dates A-B: Role Y
No Face
Staying at the same employer is not job hopping, even if you were recently promoted. You really won’t look like a job hopper if you are applying for new jobs because of a relocation.
Betsy
I think the “correct” answer is that it shouldn’t be considered job hopping, but I will say that I’ve had it mentioned before. I was at a place for five years, promoted after 2.5, and I’ve had some people treat it like two shorter jobs in interviews. I think the key is to streamline it on your resume as much as possible – mine doesn’t necessarily do that, and I think I’m going to make some edits in the future.
Anon
No, that doesn’t count and won’t stand out.
Cat
Nope, but rather than have them be two separate blocks on the resume, put them both under the same heading-
Company X (2017-present)
-Llama Groomer 2 (promotion effective 2021-present)
-Llama Groomer 1 (2017-2021)
Anonymous
No, internal moves or promotions generally look good.
Anon
Company matters much more than role. If you’ve been at one company for 5 years you won’t look like a job hopper.
Anon
I asked that question here before, when I was at one company for four years and spent three years in one position and then was recruited to go to another internal position, which I was only in for a year before I left the company entirely. It didn’t affect my ability to get another job whatsoever; saying I was recruited for an internal step-up position actually seemed to impress some of my interviewers, even though I didn’t stay in the job that long.
These days, the only thing that screams “potential problem employee” to me is when I see multiple 1-year (or less) stints at different companies, usually with gaps in between. It is completely common to the point of being expected to see 5 years, then 2 years, then 4 years, then 6 years, or whatever. Also not uncommon to see 5 years, then 1 year, then 3 years. Most resumes I review these days have at least one 1-year job in between longer stints – I think people are more aware of when something’s a bad fit, and they move to get out quickly. Doesn’t hold us back from hiring them.
PhillyAnon
Niche request but looking for a gym / facility in Philly with an indoor pool that can be used for training for a few upcoming triathlons.
I live and work in Center City so something in Center City or adjacent would be ideal, would prefer to not spend an arm and a leg, and would prefer it to be lower key (I have no interest in the Fitler Club). I usually do my running/biking outside so I don’t need a full gym but am not opposed to one. I’d prefer an indoor pool, but could do an outdoor pool if it opens early enough in the season.
Cat
The Bellevue? No idea of pricing and I think it’s being renovated currently, though.
PhillyAnon
Yeah sadly it’s closed until the summer , and I fear when it reopens it’ll be even pricier than it already is!
I know of a few other gyms in the city with pools that have also closed. It seems like there’s a real gap here! I have several friends who also casually do triathlons and it’s so hard to find a pool!
Bette
GradHo YMCA has a pool
Anon in PHL
Not Center City but Center City adjacent and easily accessibly by transit:
Drexel Recreation Center (very nice pool)
Fitness Works South Philly
In Center City:
Fitness Alive – 1425 Arch St.
Anon
IN DC, many of the city clubs have summer trial memberships that start in May. They all seem to have indoor pools. Maybe scope out something like that?
Anon
Does Penn have a pool you could use?
cookie monster
I missed the annoying coworker post yesterday. Here’s my perpetual problem – oversharing coworkers. Countless coworkers or subordinates over time have given me soooo much unwanted personal family drama, medical information, all sorts of gory detailed highly sensitive and personal stuff that I wouldn’t ever DREAM of sharing with someone I worked with. This includes people I’m meeting for the first time. One recent example – I just started a new job, and a woman from a different division stopped by my office to say hi and introduce herself. Super nice, I first thought. Then, she launched into a 20 minute discussion of her and her husband’s medical issues before moving to her mom’s medical issues and various family relationship issues. We had literally never met before that conversation.
I am not in a mental health or sharing-type profession that might explain this. I’ve tried my best to deflect or change the subject or flat out say that I didn’t want to hear the information, but there’s something about me that keeps making people want to share. Make it stopppp.
No Face
People over share with me too, but I am extremely nosy so I love it. I want to know everyone’s business.
Cb
Me too! Tell me all the details of your life.
Except my students. I tell them the more details they give me, the more I think they are lying…I don’t want doctor’s notes, death certificates, or recounting of your terrible stomach bug.
Anonymous
Ugh my uncle died of ALS in my 4th year. Every sh*tty prof who thought I made it up because of the ice bucket challenge needs to take an ice bath as punishment.
anon
Eff that. ALS is a brutal disease; it took my grandma. I’m sorry you experienced this, Anon. (I hate the ice-bucket challenge, btw. It does jack-all to raise awareness and I’ve always felt like it trivializes what we went through as a family.)
Senior Attorney
My feeling about stuff like that is that I would never dream of questioning it. If you are an evil enough person to make up something like that, I will leave it to karma to take care of you.
Cb
Oof…just to be clear, I would rather my students take the time they need, even if some exploit the system. Someone sent me an obit once and I was like “who are your other lecturers requiring this? Tell me who they are so I can avoid these MONSTERS”
anon
Me toooooooo.
anon
I’m the token senior woman on my team so I’m constantly over-shared to. Love/hate it – glad I’m viewed as trustworthy but I’m not your BFF, mom or girlfriend. I’m your coworker, senior to you and I remember everything you say to me when it serves me and/or the office to recall it. Shrug. Know your audience, you complaining people, you…
anon
Wow. This attitude of “I remember everything” should come with a warning label to the people who are confiding in you.
Anon
Honestly, people should know their audience. Someone started shredding co-workers the other day in a mean way and, wow, just outed themselves as a backstabber. Noted.
Katrinka
Not really. People need to realize that their coworkers are not their therapists, parents, or even necessarily friends. Keep it professional and don’t say anything you wouldn’t want The Company to hear. Thinking otherwise to me is the mark of being pretty new to the working world.
Anon
Right? I am amazed at what the person in the next seat on a plan will freely volunteer. Like I’m just some sponge designed to absorb the verbal vomit about random things that often should be and stay private. Like the deal you’re working on, that you dont’ really love your spouse, etc. You never know who is in the next seat — your future boss / hated rival / mother of the kid you just mocked.
Anon
Disagree but from the other side. People pressure me to overshare and I really do NOT want anyone in the office knowing that I suffer from PTSD from an abusive childhood, which is why I am no-contact with most of my family of origin (so just drop it when I tell you that there is a good reason my kid has never and will never meet my father), and am emotionally tapped out with my one kid (so stop asking me to have another).
I want to leave my trauma at the door so I can do a good job and be seen as the smart attorney, not the abuse victim with the crazy family. Seriously people, this stuff should NOT be shared around the office. Stop telling, stop asking.
Nina
Well why are they confiding in her exactly? I get along with my coworkers but there is still a limit to what we talk about.
anon
Yeah, I was the only female partner in my practice group before I left biglaw, and associates definitely told me stuff that they shouldn’t have. Including a time one associate told me she was going to sue the law firm over their handling of a situation that she framed as stalking but that really was not. She was super incensed that I talked to the firm’s GC about it, but like…I am a partner in this law firm, so if you sue us you’re basically suing me PLUS based on what she told me I was really concerned about her mental health. (I was, by the way, correct about that and the upshot was that she took paid leave for inpatient treatment; she was severely, severely paranoid to the spotting-black-helicopters-in-the-trees level.)
Anon
I really think it can just be a type of person sometimes. I run into the same thing. It especially happens to me at the airport of all places. One recent example: Customer I’ve never talked to before volunteers they are on a juice cleans. Goes into long details about their juice cleanse. I did not need to know and I could not imagine volunteering this info to strangers, if tables were turned.
Anon
I often think I should be a detective or a spy. I have a face that is configured in a way that it tells perfect strangers “tell me all of the things.” And. They. DO.
Anonymous
This is me. Airports and planes seem to create some false sense of closeness? In an airport bar, a stranger once tearfully told me about her efforts to rebuild her relationship with her estranged daughter following her abusive husband’s death. On a plane, a woman told me gory details about her affair with her married bf that she was flying to see. I figure sometimes people need to get stuff off their chest with someone “safe”. I regret that I chose to be a lawyer instead of a therapist, apparently I could charge people for this.
Anon
I feel like the Venn diagram for lawyers and therapists has their circles overlapping quite a bit. And overlapping mostly for family law and estate planners.
Anon
DV prosecutor here. Definitely in both the lawyer and therapist circle most days.
anon
I love telling strangers details about my life in airports and planes/on travel. Hahahahaha
pugsnbourbon
You have my sympathies – I get it too. I think I have Resting Nice Face? Or Resting Helpful Face?
I mean I am also very nosy but I don’t want to hear about your ingrown toenails in the checkout line, stranger.
Anonymous
I’ve heard it referred to as “Bartender’s ear” or “Therapist face.”
Somehow people simultaneously judge my RBF while also telling me everything personal. How can you carry on about my mean mug while also yapping about your husband’s probable affair? IDK.
Anon
Lest anyone think this is universal, please come chat with me. I like knowing my coworkers as fellow humans. I’ve made tons of lifelong friends at work. I like people who open up and share about their lives.
PolyD
I’m happy to hear I’m not the only one! From this board, you’d think that the only appropriate behavior with colleagues is to briskly say, Morning, Bob, how are those TPS reports coming?
We spend the majority of our waking hours at work, I think it would be sad not to be friendly with coworkers. You don’t need to make your best friend ever at all the jobs, but I’ve met a couple of people at each job I’ve had that remain good friends even after I’ve left that job. I consider that to be a good thing.
Anonymous
Oh, but you’re not even supposed to ask how the TPS reports are coming, because then you’d be a micromanager. I think we are supposed to say nothing at all to anyone in the office.
cookie monster
Omg this isn’t it at all. I love talking to my coworkers about their families and pets and hobbies and lives outside of work, and I’ve made many deep friendships in many jobs that sustain outside of work. I’m also not talking about lighthearted or silly office gossip – I’m HERE for that. I’m talking about deeply personal things like medical issues and what your doctor said, what bodily fluids are happening, bowel movements, what medications you’re on, relationship issues, THAT kind of info is what I Do. Not. Want.
I think it must be something like Resting Nice Face or Therapist Face, but I don’t think of myself as particularly warm and friendly lol. I’m nice enough but not someone who is actively smiley and inviting. I’m an introvert who mostly wants to have short lighthearted conversations then go about my merry way.
cookie monster
I will add – I’m glad I’m not the only one with this issue, lol. Solidarity!
Walnut
Yes! Same. My coworkers probably knew way too much about my cancer journey, but damn if they didn’t have my back every freaking step of the way. I get a bit teary eyed thinking about the love and support from my family at the office.
Anon
As an oversharer, I am relieved to hear this! I also want reciprocal over sharing.
Anonymous
Should I be worried about this? I’m 33 and had my first primary care visit in 5 or so years. I mentioned I was having night sweats and asked that we test my hormone levels. Well, the estradiol came back really low – 30 pg. That value happens to be the bottom of the “normal” range, so when I got my results it wasn’t flagged for any follow-up care. But it worries me.
I realize this isn’t a good forum for medical advice, so I guess my question more properly is: should I find a new practice where the lab results aren’t treated so black and white? And an unrelated question – when did soy milk stop being carried in grocery stores? I love oat milk as much as the next person, but I was surprised that both Trader Joe’s and my local grocery store weren’t carrying soy milk as an alternative anymore.
No Face
Did you follow up with your doctor about the results?
Anonymous
I followed up with the practice’s nursing line and was told “nope, no issues with any of your results.” I don’t really have a baseline to compare it to since I haven’t ever been tested before for this and am otherwise healthy. The path of least resistance seems to wait a year and see what the numbers look like next year while trying to improve my diet a little, maybe?
I’m struggling to figure out what to do with this information.
Anon
Honestly, if your values are normal, they’re normal- there’s a range for a reason. You don’t do anything with the information. If you’re having night sweats that are truly disruptive then you try to deal with that, but it’s not worth obsessing over normal lab values. I assume you already did the lab tests that would rule out a lot of other conditions, but it’s always worth improving your diet, exercising, and like the commenter below said, maybe stop drinking for a while and see if that helps? Is there some other health issue you’re concerned about?
Anonymous
That is reassuring, so thank you!
No, no other health issues and I already don’t drink more than 1x a month. I went in with the mindset of eliminating any identifiable issues since it’s been so long since I sought health care (other than vaccine shots from drive through clinics). Pre-results, I was just going to chalk up with the night sweats to a thing that happens to me and just roll with it. At least this makes it easier to truthfully respond that I don’t know when coworkers ask about my plans for kids. You can put that down as my worst annoying coworker habit!
Anon
I just want to echo this. My liver enzymes came back on the high end of normal one time and I freaked out. I called my doctor and he was like, I just want you to know I actually do look at all the values and if there was something to be concerned about I would have called you for more testing. Next time I tested, the levels were back to normal. It’s been that way with my thyroid and my cholesterol as well – they’ll test high once and then a repeat or next regular test they’ll be back down.
I don’t know if you’re connecting low estradiol with perimenopause because of the night sweats, but low estradiol doesn’t automatically mean you’re in peri (or in your case that it’s some kind of premature ovarian failure). I am 45, fully in perimenopause and my estradiol was in the normal range in my last round of testing. Hormonal testing to diagnose POF (or really any other female hormonal condition) has to be done at specific times of your menstrual cycle to give any kind of actionable information – this was explained to me by my reproductive endocrinologist when I was going through testing for PCOS and had a month where I went for a draw every week and got huge vials taken so they could track what was going on across that time period. If you’re concerned about the low estradiol and want some further testing done, I’d suggest going to a gynecologist or endocrinologist vs. relying on a GP to do anything else.
Anon
IDK if this applies to you, but eliminating night sweats was an unexpected benefit when I quit drinking.
Katrinka
If the results are normal, they’re normal. However, if you are having SYMPTOMS, such as night sweats, that are uncomfortable for you and that you want to fix, I think it’s very reasonable to push your doctor to help you find a solution.
Anon
Yes, this is what I was trying to say above- what matters is how you feel, not what some lab number happens to be on a given day. Your doctor should take that seriously, and you should definitely keep working on that, but obsessing on one number is unlikely to be beneficial (and unfortunately also more likely to result in your doctor just dismissing you as hysterical and not taking you seriously).
Curious
+1. I don’t want to scare you, but drenching (change clothes level) night sweats are one of the symptoms of lymphoma. It is *unlikely* that this is your root cause if you’re not also experiencing itching or unexplained fevers, but it’s serious enough that I’d want to be sure to rule it out!
Anonymous
Out of curiosity, are you seeking out soy milk because you think it will increase your estrogen? Because that’s actually a myth. As an estrogen-positive BC survivor, I am encouraged to eat soy and it does not increase estrogen.
Anon
Interesting. My endocrinologist wants me to avoid soy for my thyroid.
Anon
The thyroid issue I think is different (I think it’s about goitrogens in foods like soy, raw cabbage, etc.).
Anonymous
That was my line of thinking, recognizing that it might be an old wives’ tale. Thank you for debunking!
I’m still mystified where all the soy milk went, though.
Walnut
Different doctors look at different things. After my recent round of blood work, my primary care doctor gave me a thumbs up, my chiropractor ordered supplements and my oncologist scheduled me for a next day CT. I’m now searching for a new primary with the bandwidth to deep dive lab results and can flag when an escalation is needed.
If your instinct says something is wrong, press on your doctor or find a new one.
Curious
Walnut — I really like the nurse practitioners at Swedish SLU. Swedish itself can be a monster with slow scheduling for specialists, but the team in SLU listens, shares the medical evidence, and is good with mental health. Shaina Hakala also has an oncology background and was super helpful to me at the beginning of navigating cancer treatment.
Curious
Also, I super hope that CT was clear. Best of luck to you.
Walnut
No mets to my liver!! Whoo!! But holy hell chemo wrecked it otherwise.
Walnut
And thanks for the recommendation. I’m going to check them out.
Anonymous
If you’re worried about fertility, that testing is easy and pretty cheap ($100-150ish).
Anon
Just on blood work in generally. I have a CBC and. Comprehensive metabolic panel + a few specialty tests every three months due to a medication I take for autoimmune issues. There has not been one testing period in the last three years that has not had one value slightly out of bounds, much less in-bounds but at one end of the range. You can drive yourself googling this stuff but it seems to all be randomness. If my, say, neutrophils are just below the bottom of the range this test, they may well be at the top of the range next time and something else will be out of range.
My doctor pays it very little attention absent any symptoms and I think he’s right. Never overreact to a single test.
Since you’re having night sweats I’d focus on that just for some help sleeping.
Anon
If you have a PPO, I would schedule seeing a reproductive endocrinologist or your gyn to discuss in detail. They may order additional tests. It may be nothing. It may be something. But there are a lot of ways to preserve fertility (IVF, freezing eggs, etc.) that are very good and may be worth a discussion before you find out that perhaps you should have investigated more a year ago (a year later).
Also, if your company offers Maven or Carrot benefits, you can have a virtual consult re your results very quickly and easily (cannot say enough good things re Maven–it’s great).
Anonymous
I think there has been some supply and transport issues for some plant milks lately this winter. Your area might have been affected.
Anon318
Has anyone purchased Birdies sneakers – either the runners or cardinals? I love their flats, but I’m having a hard time pulling the trigger on the sneakers without any reviews. If you do have them, do they breathe well or are my stinky sweaty feet going to make them unwearable quickly? Thanks!
Anon
I tried their slip on sneakers, comfortable but because there was so much in the foot bed (all the squishy stuff), my foot didn’t fit in the shoe very well (high arches). I returned, but was kind of sad about it.
BB
I only have the Swift (the slip on one), and I have it in 2 colors. They seem to breathe okay when I wear them with no-show socks. I don’t wear them barefoot though.
Anon
PSA: Gilt has Boden gift cards on sale for 30% off right now.
(also – check your credit card, my chase sapphire had an additional 10% back on gilt purchases if I activated an internal coupon)
Anonymous
can you link to the gift card sale – can’t find it. Thanks!
Anon
I’m not sure a link will be useful because you need to sign in, but if you search for Boden on Gilt it’ll come up (but will look a little odd – people in swimsuits are the picture). You also need to use the card up by April 18, so good if you need clothes now.
anon
I feel like I hear a lot of people say, here and in other places, that once you are in your 40s you stop caring so much about what others think and are able to let little things go more easily. I’m 43 and this has yet to happen for me. I feel like I’m just as sensitive about things as I’ve always been, and to some extent, as self-conscious. I’ve heard people say the same thing about being a parent, that when you’re a parent you don’t have time to care so much about little stuff. But I’m a parent of two young kids and again, still feeling as overly sensitive as I always have. I would love to be the kind of person who just lets things roll off me and moves on easily but instead, I’m awake at 2am thinking about that dumb thing I said or negative interaction I had or job I didn’t get or whatever. How do I change this? I’m really bad at meditating so I hope that’s not the only answer!
anon
Age 41 and still care way too much about everything. IDK. I think some of us are just more sensitive.
Anon
Maybe take peace that no one really cares about 43YO moms of two kids (this is me, plus a minivan and puppy), so even if you tuck your dress into your underwear and have a full-on mustache, even if people notice, no one will remember. So it’s like we have a cloaking device to not GAF and just go on as easily as it suits us. Be a hot mess. Or not. Whatever helps you get through your day.
Anon
+1. This is me as well, and I’m not nearly as fresh faced and thin as I once was. To me, once I realized this makes me basically invisible, I was able to stop caring. I like myself and I like how I look, but I realize most people aren’t going to agree. There’s something freeing about the realization that I can think I look good, and I don’t have to change that thought just because others have different opinions. It expands to other items as well – yes maybe I was awkward in that exchange, but I bet the other person has already forgotten it. Or maybe I thought I was perfect for the role but they didn’t, and that’s okay.
Not to say I don’t still lay awake thinking about things, but it’s more an acceptance of how things are. I’m focused on what makes me happy and what I can do in the future, not a rehashing of the past or a hyperfocus on what others think.
Allie
+2. I mostly like being invisible. I wish someone had told teen/20s/early 30s me that all of the street harassment and unwanted male attention would end. I think it would have made it more bearable to understand that it was only going to be less than half of my life (hopefully!) and I’d get to enjoy decades (hopefully) of walking around unnoticed an without random comment.
Anon
I think the answer is perspective. The older you get the more you realize it just isn’t about you. No one is thinking about you besides you. Absent something pretty extreme, no one is mulling over that conversation, no one cares about your outfit, hair, etc. it’s fine for you to care but realizing it’s a solo exercise is pretty liberating for a lot of people.
anon
Anon, this article may resonate with you:
https://www.scarymommy.com/gaslighting-middle-age-women
Anon
Sometime in my mid-30s, I really came to understand a few things. MOST people don’t spend their days with a running tally of people’s shortcomings in their brain. So they really DGAF if your hair is a week overdue for a trim or your shoes are put of date.
However, some people do keep a competitive running tally, and their issues are about THEM. At this point, it is actually amusing to hear those people run their mouths about my alleged shortcomings, which are actually their own shortcomings with my ne slapped on them.
Some people have regrets that they have never really gotten a handle on, and spend their lives trying to “help” others to not make their mistakes. The only way you can ever meet their approval is to torpedo your own plans to re-live their lives for them, but this is silly. If your college boyfriend is the wrong person for you, you aren’t going to have a good life marrying him just because Aunt Sally, your hairdresser, or the CFO regretted “the one that got away.”
anon
+1 plus therapy also helped me and I DGAF 99% of the time (in my early 40s). Single, no kids FWIW.
Anonymous
Idk people said the same thing about turning 30; I’m 38 and still waiting for it. L Wellbutrin helps.
Anonymous
If you are worrying about what people think of you to the point that it is distressing or disruptive to your life, you should a counselor and/or psychiatrist. This was one of my biggest symptoms of anxiety, and once I got that treated (with an SSRI) my life got exponentially better. I finally felt free to be myself and the constant worrying and over-analyzing of social interactions faded away.
Anon
we have white sheets for both our guest room bed, which is queen size and primary bedroom, which is king and when i pull them out of the dryer and fold them up, I can never tell which sheets are which and then i end up unfolding and making a mess. does anyone have any tips or tricks?
Anon
Wash separately and store in the room with the bed they go with (in a drawer or closet)?
Anon
You could wash them separately – use other white items to fill out the loads. Then, if there is room in your linen closet, you could have separate bins/shelves for king and queen sheets.
Cat
write a K or Q on the tag in Sharpie
Anonymous
This is what we do.
OP
yes, but i can’t see the tag once they are folded and sometimes our nanny folds them for us
Anonymous
You said you folded them yourself, so…
Anon
laundry safe sharpie!!
Anon
For this reason, I switched to patterned sheets in the guest room. The only other solution is to not launder at the same time and keep the sheets in the room they go in (ie. guest room closet) not comingled in a closet.
Anon
I store my folded up sheets in one of the pillow cases because then I know all the pillow cases, sheets, duvet covers etc are all together. Maybe get one random pillow case that is a different color to fold up the guest room sheets to put them in there.
Anon
Great suggestion!
Anon
I have hiking boots that are awesome for my difficult duck feet with a high instep. I’ve had them for years and have routinely hiked 5+ miles in them. I recently did a backpacking (vs day hiking) trip and . . . big toe blisters. Do I just move to something like Wright socks (double-layer ones) or preemptively tape up where they developed? I was really surprised that this happened. My feet love these boots otherwise (and generally hate footwear), so restarting from scratch doesn’t seem likely to help as this was never a problem before.
Anon
When you hike with more weight (like backpacking) or on steeper terrain, it can change the way your feet move in your boots. I get way worse blisters when backpacking or when hiking on steep downhills.
Anon
This is true. Also, when you carry a backpack (bugger weight), you may need different outsoles, the chunkier/sturdier one that will allow you to carry the weight comfortably. When I went to Patagonia trip, I had two pairs of hiking shoes – one for light trips (light backpack) and one for tormenting trips (big, fully loaded backpack). I always used two layers of merino socks and the backpacking boots were 1size bigger than I normally wear. Believe it or not, I survived blister-free for 3 weeks. I have Hanwag Tatra boots, if that helps.
Anon
I have blister-prone feet and swear by Wrightsocks, they’re all I’ll use when I go hiking or walking long distances. I spent a lot of time on the sides of trails putting on moleskin before I discovered Wrightsocks. I completely understand the love of good boots and I know some people keep theirs for years, so I would try different socks before I bought new boots. As Anon at 10:01 says, hiking with a pack is different than hiking unweighted; try the Wrightsocks and see if that solves the issue.
FYI, if you do need new boots – now or later – it’s worth it to go to REI and get fitted by someone there who knows what they’re talking about.
MagicUnicorn
5 years of hiking might mean the boots are wearing out. Can you find a new pair of the same model?
Anonymous
This is really normal. I don’t think all blisters are preventable. Double socks (thin liner, thick outer) and moleskin or blister bandages are what I would try if the shoes are otherwise in good shape (which they might not be if they have been used regularly for years). Also, your feet do change as you age.
Somewhat related – my husband and son have these feet (bizarrely high arches/insteps, somewhat wide) and I have the worst time finding shoes that fit our son. Any brand recommendations would be welcome!
anon
I feel like I’m turning into a very boring person. If I’m to remain on an even keel emotionally and get enough sleep to be productive at work, I have to stick to a really strict routine. Same consistent bedtime. Long wind-down routine, which eliminates a lot of popular TV shows because even if they’re enjoyable, they’re too stimulating! DH is frustrated that I’m not hanging out with him much after the kids go to bed. Well, no kidding: Oldest kid is in bed at 9, and I turn the lights out at 9:30 p.m. so I can get up at 5:15 a.m. to exercise. No alcohol on weeknights at all. On the rare occasion that I go out on the weekend, I usually pay for it the next day. I’m not even drinking enough to get hungover, but alcohol greatly affects my sleep quality and ability to wind down. Sometimes, this adult self-care stuff just … really blows. When do I ever get to just relax?
Anon
Maybe it’s not providing you with a good enough life? I’d try your deep sleep and exercise routine Sunday to Wednesday and then live a little Thursday to Saturday (or whatever suits you). Or spice things up a little, meet your husband for a weeknight dinner out somewhere. Meet up with a friend after work, etc. I’m an early bed person, early riser so I get it, but I need life to be more fun than that.
Anon
+100
I wake up early to workout, read, and work on a hobby before work every day so I try to be in bed by 10. That being said, I never let my bed time get in the way of a fun time so if I”m out til 11 because there was a Tuesday night concert I wanted to go to, I will always choose that and either be tired on Wednesday or skip/rearrange my workout.
It’s very easy to become “boring” when you are rigidly set to your schedule.
Could you skip a workout one morning a week and have a breakfast date with your husband that morning? A weeknight dinner date and get a sitter every Wednesday? A joint hobby you can do while the oldest kid is finishing HW?
I think there are plenty of ways to get out of a boring rut, but you may have to be a little more flexible with your schedule and/or get out of your comfort zone a bit.
Katrinka
What does your DH’s schedule look like? Does he exercise at all, and when does he fit it in? My point is, are there other times of day you could be spending time together, and if not, why not? If the answer is because he gets his workout in while you’re handling everything kid-related, that may be a place to explore a possible change. Or he can realize how good he’s got it and get off your back.
anon
DH exercises about twice a month so it’s, um, not much of a factor for him.
Anon1
– If your oldest is going to bed at 9, they’re likely to be old enough to be self-sufficient. Could you have some quality time with your husband while your kid is doing HW/watching TV/whatever until bedtime?
– You can go out on a weekend (or a weeknight!) and not drink but still do something fun. Try a new restaurant, go for a hike, go bowling, etc. Plenty of non-drinking options that are still fun/exciting.
– Could you and your husband do a weeknight date? In high school I babysat for a family every Thursday night. The parents figured weekends were busy with family stuff and socializing with friends so they made Thursday night date night. I’d come over after sports practice (btwn 6/630), feed the kids Kraft Mac & cheese, supervise HW & bedtime and then do my own HW until the parents came home between 9 and 10. You could even push the timeline earlier with a non-athlete baby-sitter to accommodate your bedtime.
– Do you have any hobbies, especially hobbies with your husband and/or family? I always feel less boring when I’m working on a hobby after dinner rather than watching TV.
I really think though, at some point there’s a choice that has to be made that you’ll either be well rested and “boring” or you live it up a little, have fun, but are a little tired (and what adult isn’t tired). I take decent care of myself, but I also have a personal motto of “never missing a good party” (that motto was from college, so now its more of never miss a good time, whatever that is). Like you, I work out and work on my hobby in the AM before work so my PM is freed up for “fun”. So, some nights I go to bed an hour later than my “bed time” because I was getting dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while and that, for me, is well worth less sleep. For you, sleep might reign supreme and in that case you might be a little “boring”.
That being said, I think boring is measured by personality and not by activities. To me, it’s all about attitude, how you approach things, what you’re willing to try rather than doing a fun / interesting hobby, going out a lot, etc.
anon
The weeknight date is an intriguing idea. As far as point 1, Kid is neurodivergent and has a lot of trouble staying on task while getting ready for bed. We’re actively working on it, but we both have to be more hands-on than we’d like to be at this stage in life.
A lot of my hobbies are pretty solitary, and I’m realizing that’s something I would like to change. As a family, we do a good job of going on walks and bike rides in the evening when the weather is nice, so we’re looking forward to that.
Anonymous
No wonder you are exhausted! I am in a similar situation and think that honestly, your husband needs to back off. You only have so much capacity and need time to yourself and quality rest. Your husband will have to deal. You can’t be all things to all people all the time.
Anon
Totally disagree. Husband has a right to a life with his partner. This is absolutely fair game for a couple to navigate and OP should consider him in how she lives.
Anon
Mom to a neurodivergent kid here and I really disagree. This way of thinking is going to lead to divorce. If that’s what she wants, ok. But you can’t treat a spouse this way and expect them to want to remain married to you.
Anon
Soooo the folks we know who put their marriage on the back burner when the kids were young are now divorced or divorcing, with teenage kids who are super-pissed-off about it. I understand the OP’s burnout/tiredness and I was absolutely there myself at one point. However, I have seen through direct observation that it’s far too easy to be like “well, it’s all too much for me, time is finite, so the marriage has to be the neglected element *for now*” and then “for now” turns into years and then people wake up one day and realize they have no connection with their spouse any more. I have a friend who openly regrets putting her kids ahead of her relationship with her wife. They were humming along in 3rd gear, and then the pandemic hit and having more time to spend together made them realize they had not developed or maintained common interests and really had nothing much to say to each other, unless it was about their kids. Her wife moved out at the beginning of 2021.
I exercise for my mental health as much as my physical health and so I completely understand how much of an outlet that is for some people. However, I am going to gently question whether OP has to work out at 5:15 am every day (or every weekday). Even one night a week set aside to spend time with her spouse after the kids go to bed can make a big difference. The missed weekday morning workout can be made up on the weekend, maybe, if the OP feels like it’s necessary. I am not going to suggest weekly “date night” out because that never worked for us – we never had reliable-enough childcare to go out together once a week. Also, I don’t know that anything the OP does for fun has to involve drinking – I barely drink any more due to a medical condition, and most of the time I don’t miss it. But if she’s feeling blah and burned out, making space in her routine to do something fun with her spouse can be a great outlet. And the space won’t magically get made for her – she’s going to have to make it herself, and be intentional about it.
Anon
You can’t be all things to all people all the time, but you should try to fill some of your husbands needs just as he should be trying to fill yours! That’s what marriage and partnership is! If youre never prioritizing quality time with your husband, you should expect your marriage to eventually fail.
I think a very fair compromise is one night a week is your time with your husband. If your child needs help getting through their daily routine, then splurge for a babysitter who can help handle the child and make time to spend with your husband.
It sounds like your AM workout and your PM wind down routine are your “me” time, but if you need more then work out a deal with your husband that you’ll prioritize one night a week for couple time, but in exchange you need him to take the reigns on childcare another night so you can have quiet me time too.
Even in busy/stressful periods healthy marriages make time for each other. You need to find time to fit this in or you should consider a separation.
Routines are great, I love my routines, but my routines are always flexible enough to adapt to my current situation. You don’t have to give up your routine or change it completely, but you need to be less rigid and make time for your marriage.
Anon 2.0
Self care is supposed to improve your life, not interfere with it. Can you exercise in the evenings instead of so early in the AM? What do you do in this “long wind down routine”? Are you talking about shower, brushing teeth, etc or is this something else you’re doing? Honestly it sounds like this strictness is causing you undue stress.
Anon
Agreed to your last sentence
anon
Brush teeth, wash face, read or mediate for a bit.
Anon
Not to be rude, but how is this a lengthy routine? My nighttime routine has more steps than this and it does not take me terribly long (though I am very flexible with it). It seems to be that you could get this down to a 10/15 min routine on some nights, if needed. Like maybe on Mondays you do this in 10/15 mins and have 30 mins to spend with your husband, but on Tues-Thurs you take longer to meditate/read and its a 45 min routine.
Anne-on
Can you do part of the wind down routine when you’re doing older kid bedtime? I get that neurdivergent kids need more guidance but can you say, wash your face when they are brushing teeth, and check in after 5 minutes to see if they’re done? If not, great, take another 5 minutes to brush your teeth and then check in again. Basically, break your wind down routine into 5-10 minute chunks and do some of it in paralell with your kid? It still allows you to check in to redirect if needed but without you hovering over them?
If your kid needs you to body double them to stay on task can they do their bedtime routine with you in your bath (or you join them in their bathroom? I moved my facial care stuff into my kid’s bathroom from ages 2-5 so I could do my evening cleansing routing while they played/splashed around.
Anon
Or even lower standards a bit. Really. Falling asleep without face washing or teeth brushing is not ideal, but if it’s no more than once a week, it’s not the end of the world either.
Anon
It sound like you’re prioritizing everything above time with your husband. Something’s got to give if you want to stay married. No one wants to be taken for granted.
Anonymous
Nope nope nope. She’s got a neurodivergent kid. Do you have any idea how much work that is? She needs 8 hours’ sleep a night and a little time to herself. The name of the game is survival until the kid moves out. If she has to worry about keeping her husband happy too, she’ll burn out.
anon
OP here, and this nearly made me cry. I am not in a typical situation, although maybe it looks that way from the outside. I am exhausted all the time. DH and I are truly doing everything we can for him and for ourselves, and the fact that our relationship is strong in spite of it all is actually a victory. I work out to relieve stress, not to have a bangin’ bod (because trust, I do not).
Anon
Hey there, I completely understand. My workouts are sometimes the only thing that keeps me even-keeled when things get crazy. I also do not have what anyone would define as a “bangin’ bod” but my workouts are pretty sacred to me.
Have you looked into respite care or daytime enrichment care programs for your kid? My city has a couple, where neurodivergent or autistic kids can get dropped off and do activities specially geared for them, run by instructors who are trained and informed to work with those kids. I know ours are held during the day on the weekends, but something like that might give you and your husband a chance to grab lunch or a coffee together.
Walnut
+1 for brunch/lunch/coffee dates
Are there any podcasts you’d enjoy listening to with your spouse as together time? Less stimulating that TV perhaps? Enjoying a really cathartic laugh together can add a really positive spin to your life. For really low hanging fruit, how about trying Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me?
Anonymous
Like. She could go to bed at 10:30 one night a week and skip her morning workout
Anon
And get divorced. Honestly people, you do have to care for your primary relationship, too. I get that it’s exhausting and yes, something has to give, but here it’s the rigid routine not the spouse.
Anon
+1
And, it’s not that she has to break her rigid routine every night or even most nights. One night a week could do wonders for the marriage.
I’ve seen so many people get divorced in their 50s because they spent their 30s and 40s focusing on the kids and not the relationship. When the kids leave the house, they realize there’s no relationship left and they get divorced. It’s usually amicable because no one is in the wrong, but a breakup is still the result of years of prioritizing kids over marriage day in and day out.
Anon
I have a neurodivergent kid and I don’t think you can put yourself above your marriage this way if you want to remain married. If she’d rather be divorced, that’s a valid choice. But it’s not reasonable to never see your spouse and expect them to stay happy in the marriage.
Anonymous
If she’s prioritizing her child and her husband above herself, she’ll have nothing to give them.
Anon
There’s a lot of room between putting herself last and never spending time with her spouse. I think there are a lot of good suggestions on this thread about how she could make more time for her husband without neglecting her own needs. The “nope nope nope she’s in survival mode until the kid moves out” take is super flippant and is a recipe for divorce, and I say that as a mom of a neurodivergent kid.
Anon
I’m sympathetic to the OP that it likely takes a lot of energy to work with her kid, however, she also needs to prioritize her relationship with her husband if she wants a healthy and lasting marriage. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and that applies to the marriage as well; if OP and her husband are putting out so much time and energy care taking, then they need time for “marriage self care” too.
It’s not an all or nothing thing – if they could find and hour or two a week to spend dedicated time together, I think it’d be helpful. For example, a poster above mentioned a breakfast date. OP can still go to bed at 9:30 and wake up at 5:15 to maintain her schedule, since that seems important to her, but instead of working out that morning she and her husband can take a walk and get a nice breakfast and have quality time together.
I totally agree that OPs life is challenging and taking care of a high needs child takes more time/energy than a neurotypical child. That being said, she still needs to find a little time/energy to prioritize the marriage.
Anon
+1 million. All of this. I would argue that prioritizing the marriage is even more important with a special needs kid than with a neurotypical kid, since it’s often a very stressful thing that’s hard on the whole family, including the marriage.
Anon
Parent to an ASD-1 kid here and I agree that everyone needs to have their needs met here. A family is only as happy as its unhappiest person at the time and it will not be easier if the family splits up. Divorce can make you single but it often doubles down on the problems.
My kids can be better with a sitter and an evening sitter during the week would let you / spouse get a meal together alone somewhere not your house and may be something to try. Or lunch on a weekend. Or a long walk together (which may replace an early-morning workout). Or anything.
Anon
Maybe I am missing something about the child’s needs, but honestly a 9 year old going to bed without their full bedtime routine once a week doesn’t sound like a crisis to me. (Do parents always notice when 9 year olds who don’t need help with their routine didn’t brush their teeth that night, fell asleep in their clothes, or stayed up reading with a flashlight?) I do get that ND kids benefit from structure broadly, but I don’t feel scarred from the times I didn’t get it either.
Anon
It may be that maybe OP’s kid is more like an ASD-2 or ASD-3, but each kid on the spectrum is different. Some 9 YOs acting out can be hard to manage especially if there are siblings needing help and attention, too.
Anon
Did she say he was 9? I thought she said 9 pm bedtime, which could be a kid as young as 4 or 5 if they’re low sleep needs (which many neurodivergent kids are).
Anonymous
Sounds to me like the husband is taking her for granted.
Anon
Maybe, but OP didn’t mention that. She mentioned the kid in comments but mostly focused on her need for sleep, and threw in the 5:15am workouts…. She does sound rigid and not focused on the marriage at all. If you want to be in a long term partnership and your partner says they feel you’re not spending enough time with them, then I think you have to listen to that.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
You can and should be less rigid. It’s not ok to prioritize getting up to work out at 5:15 every single day at the expense of spending time with your husband. M/W/F is ok.
Anonymous
Given how rigid you are with your schedule and your ND kid, have you considered you maybe undiagnosed ND yourself?
Curious
I know we are a broken record but — I was this way when I was depressed. Everything had to be in place or I’d fall apart. Getting therapy (specifically cognitive behavioral therapy) and going on an antidepressant gave me way more resilience to interruptions to my routine. I know a lot of people can feel squicked out by the idea of meds, and it can be hard to see yourself as having any sort of mental illness if you are functioning well, which you clearly are. What my doctor said was “you’re doing a lot for sure, it just doesn’t have to be this hard.” All the best to you.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
I can’t believe some of these comments. I thought this community was supposed to support women in meeting their own needs. Shame on the commenters who are shaming OP for meeting her basic human need for adequate quality and quantity of sleep. Shame on the commenters who are telling OP to sacrifice her physical and mental health so she can satisfy a man’s fEeLiNgs. OP’s physical needs outweigh her husband’s wants. I can’t believe I have to explain that in this forum. Disgraceful.
Anon
I don’t think so — a family takes care of each other and if it were a kid or spouse, a sustained unhappy person with unmet needs is not good for the whole. The adults need to figure out how to keep all of the plates spinning and it’s hard. But saying “only my workouts my way” and “only my sleep my way” is probably not helping the family team work well together and there may be other ways to get everyone to a happy place. Family is worth trying things for and some may work better than what exists now.
Anon
On the flip side, if a poster said her husband was prioritizing going to bed at 9:30 and a rigid nighttime routine so he could get up at 5:15 in the morning to workout and was not prioritizing spending time together as a couple this board would tell the poster to DTMFA…
Relationships take work (even great ones! They’re often great because of the work put into them), and you have to put some time/effort into them. Posters are literally suggesting that the OP adjust her schedule one day a week to have an hour or two with her husband. This is not about his feelings, this is about having a strong marriage. I have two friends who are in the process of getting a divorce because they spent years prioritizing the kids and their needs above the marriage and the marriages imploded. If parenting a ND kid with a spouse is hard, it’s even harder as a single parent.
I dont think the board is shaming the OP for meeting her needs and no one is telling her to sacrifice her health for her husband’s feelings; they’re pointing out that her approach is rigid and giving suggestions on how to make time for the relationship while still getting enough sleep.
Anon
+1 million to your first paragraph. This is exactly how everyone would react if the woman writing in was in this husband’s shoes. It’s not a gender thing.
Anonymous
You have to realize we have a lot of readers married to man children here, it colours their advice.
Anon
I think it’s precisely the opposite, actually.
The one person (and I think it is just one person) who is loudly advocating “ignore your husband!” IS married to a man child whose demands she quite reasonably ignores. Those of us married to capable, self-sufficient adults take our spouse’s needs seriously, because we know they aren’t in the habit of making wildly unreasonable demands. My husband is the furthest thing from a man child and if he told me we weren’t spending enough time together I would take a long hard look at how I’m spending my time and how more of it could be spent with him. And it’s because I know he’s NOT a needy man child in general, so if he’s asking for something I know there must be a good reason.
Anon
If I were to say “I think it’s unfortunate we have so many perpetually-single, child-free women here trying to give marital and parenting advice they have no right to be giving” how would that make you feel?
Not all of us are married to man-children and a man wanting to spend time with his wife does not make him a man-child. The OP made a couple of comments indicating her husband helps out. Dealing with a special-needs kid is a lot. I have one, and the reason why I got through it without losing my mind is my husband and I maintained a strong marriage and stayed connected and in-touch with each other so we could support each other as a team of two. If you’ve never experienced that, it makes sense why you’d discount it as a solution.
Anonymous
Oh FFS. I was OP’s husband in my marriage. We almost got divorced because of my husband prioritizing exercise over spending time with me. Does that make me a “woman child”? Yes, exercise and sleep have mental and physical health benefits and are important. But if you’re in a marriage, you need to also prioritize time to connect with your spouse. Most people wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where they have no one-on-one time with their spouse. I realize that kids and especially kids with ASD make things more complicated, but it’s totally reasonable for a spouse to want one night a week to connect with their partner after the kids are in bed. Nothing the OP has said about her husband makes him sound like an overly needy man child.
Anon
I mean, if you never spend time with your spouse, I don’t think you can expect to remain married. It’s not about women vs man, it’s about marriage and partnership requiring time and effort. People would 1000% say the same thing if a wife wrote in saying her husband was neglecting her to go to bed early and wake up crazy early for workouts every day. In fact, I’m confident if a woman posted here from the perspective of the husband in this scenario, the comments would be much harsher to her husband than they have been towards this OP. There have been similar threads before about husbands who are abdicating their spousal and parental duties for exercise and ‘self care’ and the general consensus is always DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY.
Maybe she would be happier divorced, and that’s ok. I don’t see anyone on the thread telling her she has to remain married if her marriage isn’t fulfilling. But it isn’t fair to your spouse to treat them this way.
Anon
Relationships are a two way street; if the OP wants her husband to support her when she needs it then she needs to support him when he needs it and sounds like he needs support / more time together as a couple.
anon
The degree to which you’re dismissive of her husband’s feelings makes me wonder if you are married yourself, and if so, for how much longer you will be. Her husband’s wants that you’re dismissing so snidely are “to have some time with his wife as a couple.” That’s not unreasonable, entitled, or childish. It’s also essential if she wants to stay married – *especially* as the parent of a ND kid, because the marriage is likely already under extra strain because of that.
If a woman made the equivalent post here, people would be absolutely trashing her husband.
You have to put on your own oxygen mask first, but when you’re married, taking care of your marriage is part of putting on the oxygen mask.
Anon 2.0
Say it louder – “You have to out on your own oxygen mask first, but when you’re married, taking care of your marriage is part of putting on the oxygen mask”.
I do not have children so I cannot pretend to understand the unique struggles OP is facing in that regard. We also have no reason to believe from her post that OP’s husband is a “man child” either. Staying married to her partner is going to, presumably, help OP’s life in that she has a partner there everyday who also helps with their child.
Anon
If her husband is a capable parent (which I understand is a big if) who would share time 50-50, divorce could make her life easier. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of jealous of my divorced friends who get a kid free weekend every other weekend. It certainly comes with emotional challenges but if you share time equally it often results in less hands-on parenting time and more time for self-care.
Walnut
Eh, I think both can be accommodated. If it were my scenario, I would ask my husband to invest time in finding someone with experience with neurodivergent kids to the evening/bedtime routine so you can add in a weekly date night. Maybe the first couple times the sitter is there you commit to date night on the patio/takeout eaten in the car down the street/take a walk around the neighborhood. That way you’re close enough to mitigate an utter disaster, but are starting on the path to spending time on your marriage.
This can be added in while still committing to your normal bedtime/work out routine. The key is to put your husband in charge of figuring out childcare.
Anon
I mean, if she came in here and said “I don’t want to be married to this man” most of us would be saying “you’ve got this, you can do it, find your happiness!”
But what she actually said is that she has a very rigid routine and her husband says she doesn’t spend enough time with him. People are trying to give very practical suggestions about how she can accommodate that. And anyone who wants to have a happy marriage and a true partnership knows you have to prioritize the relationship.
It’s not like a divorce is going to be less stressful for her.
Anon
This.
Anon
I have been married a long time and have a special-needs kid of my own. I understand exactly where OP is coming from – I have been in the same place myself – and agree 100% with what others are saying. If she thinks she is stressed out/burned out now, divorce is not going to solve that problem, it will just make it worse. Are you married? Do you have kids? I ask because I am sick to death of seeing these kinds of posts from people here who have not dealt with these kinds of issues, and are trying to shame people who do have experience with them for giving advice that doesn’t hew to some rigid, hyperfeminist worldview. And you claiming that this is a space where only advice you approve of should be given is ludicrous. You aren’t the arbiter of what is and is not appropriate conversation here, sorry to burst your bubble.
P.S. I have not seen one person here suggest that the OP should sacrifice her own needs to care for her child or her husband’s feelings (and her husband is a person who deserves to have his feelings considered as part of the family system. I realize you don’t know this, but: families are a system, households are systems and all parts of the system need to be considered and cared for if the system is going to run appropriately). Several people have given OP great advice from their own lived experience suggesting that the rigidity of her routine is A. Something we understand the value of; B. Something the OP can change or adjust to give herself more time and space and C. Something that may be an indicator there’s something else going on, like depression or extreme burnout. And people offered helpful, concrete suggestions to help the OP deal. All you offered was a bunch of screeching shaming and finger-wagging. SO soRrY We HuRt YOur FEelingS but that’s your issue, not ours and not the OP’s.
Anon
I agree. I don’t see a single comment about the husband making any changes from his side, it’s all about the OP bending over backwards for everyone else.
Anon
Show me where she said the husband wasn’t pulling his weight.
Anon
Show me where I said that. If they’re a team, they should make changes as a team. Why can’t he join her workouts, and get some togetherness that way?
Anon
Because exercise is not his hobby? It’s pretty crazy to tell a husband the only way he can see his wife is by joining her at a hobby of hers he doesn’t particularly enjoy. Imagine if a woman came here and said her husband would only spend time with her on the golf course! There would be pitchforks.
Anon
Staying up later one night a week and skipping the next morning’s 5:15 workout is not “bending over backwards,” it’s making a slight adjustment to her routine to get her out of the rut she herself said she wants to change.
Anon
I’m not at all a needy, selfish (wo)man but if my husband were not making any effort for our relationship, did not make time for us to spend time together as a couple and did not show any interest in adjusting his rigid schedule to make time for our relationship, my feelings would be hurt too!
I don’t know how anyone can expect a relationship to remain healthy and strong without investing in it, no matter how chaotic life currently is and frankly I would not be interested in remaining married to someone who would not prioritize the relationship.
No one is saying the OP should sacrifice herself for the relationship, but than maybe once a week she prioritizes spending time with her husband over a workout or an early bedtime.
Anon
Could you hire someone to come over once a week to help with your kid and get them to bed and allow your husband and you to have some time together that happens when you aren’t exhausted?
Anon
Some ideas: workout in the evening while DH makes dinner. That will give you another 30-45 minutes to hang out because you won’t have to get up so early. Plan dates mid-day on the weekends so you have plenty of time to wind down in the evening. We have a neurodivergent kid and while each kid is different, we did hit a point where we can leave him alone. Is he going to do all his steps to go to bed with clean teeth on time? Not always. But we can peace out for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon and it has done wonders for our relationship. As the kids age and only want us when they want us, we find we are once again each other’s primary conversation partner, fun partner, etc. It’s been great fun, actually. It’s also resulted in a 10-15 pound weight gain but on balance it’s so worth it. As my spouse said, “You’re a helluva lot more fun when you aren’t obsessed with working out and counting calories.” He’s right. Life is short. Self-care is important, but some of that self-care should be having fun with your partner.
Anon
While I totally agree with other posters that marriages require effort from both sides and that if the OP wants to remain married she should be a little flexible with her schedule and find time for an hour or two of couple time a week. I don’t think her husband is being selfish or a manchild, I think most people in marriages want time with their spouse!
That being said, if OP really cannot bring herself to change her routine, here are a few suggestions on how to increase quality time with a spouse without rearranging a schedule:
– Always hug/kiss each other goodbye in the morning and hello at night. It’s not my cup of tea, but my parents literally always give each other a kiss before leaving for work/when they get home from work.
– Have something you do separately together. Maybe you both do Wordle when it fits into your schedule but you discuss the word/your guesses together t dinner. This could also apply to playing each other in an ongoing game of words with friends, leaving the paper’s crossword on the kitchen counter and filling out a clue every time you come by, reading the same article in the paper and discussing together, etc.
– One morning a week your workout is a walk with your husband.
– Even if he’s not going to bed at 9:30, have him come and lie in bed with you for 5/10 mins and you have a conversation
– Regular “gardening”
– I”m normally a proponent of family dinners, but maybe once a week you feed the kids in one room and you have a “dinner date” in the other room.
I also love the suggestions of a breakfast date when the OP’s already up early, a weekly baby sitter for a week night date night, a weekend lunch date, etc.I do think that just finding one hour a week to have a date/priortize the relationship is so important, and that when relationships go years without being prioritized, they often end up in divorce.
NotOP
These are great suggestions! Thank you! – a new parent who’s struggling with staying connected outside of the kid
anon
These are great suggestions!
DH and I have a neuro-divergent child, and dinner time–just sitting with the family–is always our biggest battle. DH and I have started, once or twice per week, announcing that (a) we’re all going to have casual family dinner on the couch, or (b) DH and I are eating separately. When we all have casual dinner together on the couch, DH and I sit in our sunroom (the prettiest room in the house, and it has no toys) and chat before dinner, and we all have leftovers or something from the freezer. When DH and I eat separately, it’s either while our kid takes a bath (he can be safely left alone in the bath and enjoys playing there for up to an hour) or after he goes to bed.
This tweak, just once or twice a week, has done SO much for our family. Our kid fights dinner a little less on the other nights, and DH and I get two nights of peace and an opportunity to connect for about an hour.
Anon
Could the kid go into their room for quiet reading time 30-60 minutes before bedtime? Even if you have to go back in there at 9 to tuck them in and turn out the light, you would still get a good chunk of time to yourself/spouse. My 4 year old’s sleep needs have gotten dramatically lower in the last year and it’s been a huge, unpleasant adjustment to go from 6:30 pm kid bedtime to 8:30 pm kid bedtime. Making her go into her room more like 7:30 for quiet reading before bed has been a sanity saver.
Anon
+1
As a kid I had an 8pm bed time through all of elementary school and I think it was because my parents needed a few kid time to get stuff done, have time for themselves and my mom has always been an early to bed person. I view this as the parent version of putting on your oxygen mask – my mom goes to bed at 9 so kids needed to be ready for bed at 730/in bed at 8 so she could do what she needed to do!
She did not care that we hated the early bedtime, and once we were old enough “bed time” was really quiet reading time. It’s probably not worth it trying to give the kid an earlier bed time but quiet reading time in your room is definitely acceptable.
anon
OP here. Wow, this thread is a lot. There are some good nuggets of truth and wisdom in here, but not sure where people are getting the impression that I never hang out with my husband. I specifically said, “before bed.” Do we need more date nights? Sure, who doesn’t want that with your spouse? But this idea that I’m in this cold, unfeeling person who ignores him, cares about self-care to the exclusion of his feelings, and is headed toward divorce is just categorically not true. I do hear what you’re saying about my routine being rigid, and that’s something I will be reflecting on. But sheesh, this really spiraled out of control. I was more lamenting that I seem to need rest to be my best self.
Anon
I don’t think you’re cold and unfeeling and I’m very sorry if you thought my comments were saying that. I only mentioned divorce in relation to the Anonymous who was bashing your spouse and calling him a man child. I was not suggesting you’re heading for divorce (unless you take the Anonymous poster’s advice of “who gives AF about your husband’s needs.”)
That said, just based on the schedule you shared, I’m not sure when you’re spending one-on-one time with your husband, and I do think you should give significant weight to his feeling of not getting enough time with you. If you’re carving out time together in the mornings or during the workday, that’s great, but most people with kids connect with their spouse in the evenings after kid bedtime, so to say that every evening you put your kid to bed at 9 pm, get in bed at 9:30 yourself and do your own bedtime routine in between, it does sound to me like you’re missing an opportunity to connect with your spouse.
Anonymous
You are not even getting 8 hours of sleep a night, and nearly everyone needs at least that much. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to go to bed at 9:30 and get up at 5:15 to exercise on a daily basis. I read your original post as a lament that you have normal human needs and aren’t superhuman. You shouldn’t have to lament that. You don’t owe it to your spouse and child to deprive yourself of sleep and exercise so you can be exactly what they want you to be. If you neglect your own very basic needs, you won’t be able to be there for them at all.
I bet the reason you have to get up at 5:15 to exercise is that by 6:30 or so you have to be in full-on mom mode to get your kid fed and out the door, right? People without kids or with easy kids don’t understand the exhausting effort that it is to get some neurodivergent kids to do anything. From the time they get up to the time they finally fall asleep, if they ever do, you are either wrestling your way through a dramatic situation with your child or trying to concentrate on work. Then if you are lucky, you fall asleep from exhaustion and wake up the next day to do it again. It’s an exhausting grind. If you are sleeping, don’t give that up. Sleep is at the very bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. If you don’t sleep (and eat and hydrate and exercise) you won’t survive parenting.
Anon
I wish more parents would choose their battles with ND kids more. It is definitely a whole ton of effort to try to make ND kids act like they’re NT and do NT things… though it sucks for kids and parents alike that the world is so poorly set up for ND needs (the exhausting effort of just existing in an NT world is what creates a lot of the exhausting effort for family I think).
Anonymous
So you think these children shouldn’t eat, bathe, go to school, and sleep?
Anon
All children should eat, bathe, get educations, and sleep. School can be harmful. ND children may have different circadian rhythms and require different sleep schedules. They may have different dietary needs and sensory needs requiring different bathing routines from NT children.
Anonymous
2:41, do you actually have an ND kid? Even with every feasible accommodation in the world, it can still be a battle.
anon
Bingo, you’ve got it. Getting kid out the door is an all-out effort that starts at 6:45 a.m. Swear to G*d, I’m trying, but I am drowning. And yes, spouse does his share. But having a special needs kid just takes extra amount of endurance that wears me down on a continual basis. Exercise and sleep are like … the bare minimum I need to actually function.
Anonymous
So I was you a few months ago. Husband thought we should be able to parent our way out of it and that I wasn’t trying hard enough. I am here to tell you that you can’t parent your way out of it. If your child’s needs are this overwhelming on a daily basis, then something isn’t right with the child’s treatment, or you need more hired help in the home. You can’t fix it by overextending yourself. G-d knows, I tried.
Anonymous
Come on over to the moms’ page. Your people are there.
Anon
I would like to advocate for the notion that caring for your partner and spending time with them is a form of self-care. If you’re in a good relationship, it feels like a haven of comfort and relaxation to spend adult time with your partner, whether that’s intimidate time in bed or a date night or just cuddling and watching a movie together.
If you don’t feel that way about your partnership, then you have other issues.
Anon
This.
Duckles
I have the same problem— when I clean my house, do my PT/ stretching exercises, and go to bed on time, I feel calm, healthy and productive, but when I meet friends after work or have a date, one or multiple of those things has to go, and everything feels chaotic— even though I love doing things. I don’t know what the solution is. For me, it means I have a good social life, great fitness routine, and solid engagement with my hobbies, and a disgusting house and I eat crackers and cheese for most meals, because that’s what my priorities are. Not sure how to improve.
Housing Market
I posted here a year ago about our struggles trying to buy a house and got a bunch of kind comments but also multiple comments about how stupid it was to try to buy a house right then. Sooo I just came back to point out that you were wrong. Things are immeasurably worse than they were a year ago.
Anon
Haha yes. In the area where I live, even the very very cheapest condos are 200k more than they were a year ago and still pretty much impossible to come by. Rents also way, way up, though at least ours personally isn’t (but if we had to find a comparable place it would be $1000-$2000 a month more than we’re currently paying). Commiseration.
Anon
You never got that from me! The best time to buy a house is always right now. You will never time the market. And housing is generally just going up in pretty much all desirable areas (location exclusions of course apply).
Anon
Hard disagree with this. My parents bought a house when interest rates in the 80s were super high. It led to my family’s bankruptcy as a child, when their family business took a turn for the worse. There is a bad time to buy a house, and it’s when mortgage rates are very high. What is very high? Unknown.
Duckles
That’s not a bad time to buy a house, that’s a bad decision to buy a house.
test run
Commiseration – we were house shopping last year and for various reasons are house shopping again now and it is wayyy worse. Everything is 20% more expensive than last year, the only offers getting accepted have huge due diligence payments and no contingencies and I’m nervous to buy anything needing even a small amount of work because of supply chain issues/builders being swamped with business in our area.
Bonnie Kate
lollll I kind of love this comment a lot. because one year ago, I totally thought things were going to get better.
Also, a year ago I thought that the supply chain couldn’t get any worse. Everyone in my industry thought it’d be better by the next year for sure. Supply chain updates were frequently going out – order head, we’ll catch up by the end of the year… For context, my job involves buying a lot of equipment and parts, both electrical, mechanical, and fittings for municipal infrastructure projects.
OMG it is so much worse now than it was a year ago. and the suppliers are basically trudging through and not even giving rosy predictions that things will be better by the end of the year, because they know that they can’t promise it and we’re not even pretending anymore.
We all are just trying to get through it (I use a lot of “look for creative solutions” in conversations today), and basically are trying to not think about how we’re just one piece of equipment away from catastrophic failures where we won’t be able to get critical equipment for months and literally have no options because the problems are so widespread across all the different manufacturers.
Bonnie Kate
to be clear, I’m lolll – because if I don’t do that, I might literally lose my mind. It is pointless to get frustrated since there are literally no solutions available. It’s truly a defense mechanism at this point.
Monday
This is a pretty good description of health care right now too…
Anon
Unless you’re a real estate investor buying and selling properties all the time, it’s basically impossible to time the market. You may buy during a relative high and then feel stupid when the market goes through a correction, but if you’re there for the long term, you will absolutely weather the dip and come out ahead.
ANON
So i should make the offer on the apt I’m looking at now and not wait for a dip?
Anon
Yes
Anon
Absolutely.
anon
YUP. There is no dip. Truly. Buy it. And lock in your rate… yesterday.
Senior Attorney
THIS.
Bonnie Kate
I wouldn’t wait, if you can afford it, do it.
But honestly, what do any of us know?
JTM
I really didn’t think it would be possible, but the real estate market has gotten 100x worse, and it’s no longer sustainable. In my city, home prices are out of reach for everyone except the wealthy & corporations who are buying up homes to rent out at outrageous prices. We’re currently renting and a house on our block is on the market for $500K – this house sold for $340K in 2021 and sold for $200K when the house was built in the early 2000s. There’s NOTHING about this house that makes it worth $500K, which is why it’s been sitting on the market over 30 days.
All I want to do is buy my family’s forever house but at this rate we’ll be renting forever :-(
Anon
Charming.
Anon
Huh?
Monday
The comment probably means they think it’s gauche to come back and say “I told you so.” But I disagree, and I’d love a thread like this! “Things Y’all Said I Was Wrong About Where Time Has Proven Me Right.”
Bonnie Kate
SAME. That thread would be gold.
emeralds
OMG I’m grabbing the popcorn.
Anon
I would love this thread.
Anon
Totally fine with admitting I was wrong about people just waiting until the market got better. I lived through the 2007 boom/2008-09 crash and just didn’t think, based on that experience, this situation would be as persistent as it has been. But mea culpa, it is terrible. And it doesn’t look like things are going to get better any time soon. I think a big X factor in this boom, which wasn’t a thing back in 2007, is that corporations are buying up houses to rent out, either short-term or long-term. I know that’s having a huge effect on available housing where I am.
Housing Market
Haha, maybe it is gauche but I don’t care! I’ve rarely been so right about something. Also, we didn’t buy a house a year ago (not for lack of trying – our local market is a nightmare). So since I’m on the losing end of the market trend, I don’t feel so bad gloating about being right in theory. I’d much rather have been wrong and be able to move like we wanted!
Sybil
You just need to go back to February-March 2020 for source material. Someone insisting they were taking their trip to Japan? Multiple people encouraging someone not to cancel their Italy trip?
Bonnie Kate
exactly! two weeks before everything shut down in March 2020, I was getting multiple calls from colleagues where we talked about if a conference was going to get canceled that was supposed to be held late March 2020. I vividly remember laughing, adamantly insisting that that would NEVER happen no matter what happened, and making plans for that week.
it’s a fascinating thing to watch things you believe to be true and 100% reliable become things that very much cannot be taken granted for.
Cat
The submission no one will make: “I flew instead of took Amtrak from DC to NY and was happier about it”
Anonymous
Cat, you speak truth.
Anon
@Sybil I’m one of the people who got called crazy and told to treat my anxiety for suggesting that I might cancel travel in March-May 2020, so while I generally enjoy being right in hindsight, I sincerely wish I hadn’t been.
Senior Attorney
Haha, right? I hope you got a house back then!
Housing Market
Sadly no! But not for lack of trying! We are not first time buyers so I know it could be worse – at least our current home has appreciated (though not at the same rate as the ones we have been trying to buy for a few reasons.)
Senior Attorney
Hang in there!!
anon
I think there are a lot of us in the same boat (wanted to buy last spring, weren’t able to, and finding the market 10x worse now). Something’s gotta give…
Anon
I couldn’t agree with this more. My offers just keep losing no matter what I do (I think I’m on offer number 10 or 12). The last time I finally had the best price and other terms, just came up slightly short in amount of earnest money offered (which was already well in excess of what the sellers asked for). It feels like the criteria are different every time so each time I think I’m fixing what made me lose the last time, something new pops up. And to top it all off, I’m a person who can’t make an offer without truly picturing myself living in a home so I feel like I’m in emotional upheaval every time I lose. I know the answer is to take emotion out of it but that is easier said than done for some people. I’m trying to keep pushing forward, but it gets harder every time.
Anon
It’s hard. I did manage to buy, but I’m having a hard time getting over the feeling that I settled for what was available and compromised on a bit too many of my wants.
Anon
This is us too. Basically as long as the house didn’t require extensive renovations we put in an offer. We started in sept 2021 and thought there would be more houses on the market come now. False. Things are worse. No new houses, except ones that are terrible or an estate sale. We only got an offer accepted because we waived all contingencies and buying significantly below our budget—which is why we can afford to waive contingencies.
Good luck. I’m rooting for you!
Anonymous
Yes agree! I had this same conversation with many know-it-alls in real life. They told me to just wait a year and the prices would stabilize. Ha. Prices are so high, inventory is 49% lower, terse rates are at 4.75, and heading up to 8 by 2023 if the Fed goes through with its plan. People who bought a year ago are geniuses.
Toronto
I think there’s a couple of Toronto folks on here, so I thought I’d ask. I’m thinking about taking a weekend trip to Toronto for the first time (from the US, fully vaxxed of course) early May. I think from what I can tell online, masks are no longer required at places like restaurants? And all restaurants are open as normal? How’s the general feel of the city in terms of opening up?
Also can any Americans who’ve recently gone to Canada how difficult entry is? It looks like I can upload info pretty easily, but not sure if there’s more complexity here (like more than I’d want to deal with for a leisure trip)?
TIA!
Anon
I went to Canada (Banff) in October. Entry was pretty easy, you just fill out the ArriveCAN form with your lodging info, vax info and per-departure testing (this may no longer be required)? At the time, you needed a “quarantine plan” if you tested positive on arrival, but my Canadian friend told me you could just put the address of an airport hotel and say you would order food and personal care items from Instacart and other delivery services. They barely glanced at the form in the airport. The worst logistical part of that trip was that I lost my passport, but that had nothing to do with Covid.
Anon
It is still required to fill out the ArriveCAN form (or use the app) when entering Canada. You no longer need to be tested for COVID prior to entering though.
Anon
Yes, that’s what I meant. I worded it badly.
Anonymous
Just use ArriveCAN and it will be fine. Pre entry testing requirements end on April 1st. However for air travel there is still mandatory random testing on arrival that you may or may not be selected for.
anon
Torontonian here. Entry requirements are changing April 1 – don’t quote me, but no more testing I don’t think if vaccinated. When I came back into Canada previously the ArriveCan app was super easy to use. Horrible wait through immigration at Pearson airport, which has been a consistent experience for people who have travelled. Plan ahead for a possible hour+ wait.
Masks are no longer required in most places. No more vaccine passport. That said, they are still being worn in many places and you would be the weird person for not wearing one, at least in my areas of Toronto. I suspect this will be changing day by day, but I’m reporting my recent lived experience. I think masks are still required on transit.
Places do seem to be basically reopened, although crowds are still coming back. Many office workers in downtown still work from home 100% of the time, so downtown office culture is still pretty dead. Again that may change by May, but I know it won’t be changing for my employer.
Anon
Do you ever have days that you wish you could snap your fingers and be on the other side of?
I have a dentist appointment in a couple of hours. Havent been in almost 4 years and have intense anxiety over it ( traumatic root canal pain in the past and mean dentist when i was a child). The dentist im going to now is the same one i last went to in college, every one from the receptionists to the hygentists are kind…but still, dentists.
And then my very 1st appointment ever with a therapist later in the afternoon. On telehealth, so added weird dynamic of meeting someone but not in person which i would prefer.
Ill lay in bed the night before something Im dreading and tell myself, “This time tomorrow, the thing Im dreading will be over, I just have to get through 24 hours and Ill be okay…”
Bonnie Kate
yeppp to dentist appointments specifically. A couple years ago I went to a dentist while I had a migraine, and that has basically made me dread dentist appointments ever since. I should have just canceled the dang thing. I try and schedule them 6 months in advance as early as possible in the morning, because that means I have the least amount of time to think about it in the few days leading up to it.
Anon
I have lots of days where I have to do something j don’t want to do, though it tends to be work stuff and not dentists, and I use the same mental trick – this time tomorrow it will be behind me, for better or worse. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to frame it that way!
Anon
Dentist appointments are brutal for me. I have sensitive teeth, really thin enamel and really bad gums and the combination means the normal cleaning is excruciatingly painful for me (fillings are fine because they give you dr*gs). At my last cleaning the hygienist was making fun of me, he kept saying to the dentist “this lady started crying during the cleaning!” (for the record I was whimpering from pain, not crying, but either way seems not nice to make fun of me!?) so yea…dentist is definitely something I don’t do often enough because it’s horrible and I really have to psych myself up to go.
Anon
Ugh, this dentist Im about to see ( in the waiting room atm) has haf me cry in the chair in the past but was so calm amd reassuring. And willing to give me additional medication and wait for me to get fully numb before fillings. My childhood doctor told me to stop crying, that I wasnt in pain and I was over dramatic during my first filling. When i was. The fear of pain, and the discomfort of not being able to trust someone to believe you and take away that pain is the main driver of anxiety for me withthe dentist.
pugsnbourbon
Whoa – I hope you reported that hygienist! I cried during a cleaning once (it had been 3 yrs since my last one, I was embarrassed and in pain) and the hygienist just took it in stride.
Anon
Take headphones to the dentist and listen to music or a podcast during the cleaning. And enjoy therapy! It’s allll about you!
pugsnbourbon
+1. As someone with bad teeth this realization was life-changing.
Anon
I have no issues with the dentist, but have nightmares about the eye doctor. I break out into sweat just thinking about someone near my eyeballs. (And I don’t have perfect teeth–lots of gum erosion due to adult braces, so scraping is really painful. Mouth pain just doesn’t matter to me, but my eyes are a crazy trigger.)
It figures, I have a mole on my retina, so I’ve been going for scans every 3 months for the past year to make sure it isn’t cancer. Lying awake the night before, just like you said.
An.On.
The good news is things like this, you just let come to you – you don’t have to do anything other than sit there and let the professionals take the lead. And the amount of relief you’ll feel when you’re done is going to counter balance some of your anxiety now!
Anon
This is kind of how Xanax works for me.
ELS
I went to the dentist for the first time in about 6 years two weeks ago, and also have dentist trauma. I picked a new dentist (I’m living in a new to me area), and while I cried (twice!) because I was so anxious, it went well and they were very kind. My dentist was also kind and non-judgmental.
Sending you good thoughts.
Senior Attorney
Hugs!! Just think how great you’re going to feel at dinnertime!! (And may I suggest, perhaps, a celebratory cocktail?)
Anon
Anxious OP Anon here – thank yall! Reading your responses helped me through the waiting room wait. You all help put into perspective that Im not the only one who feels this way, and that doesnt make the anxiety go away but it does make it easier to get through. It was unpleasant and uncomfortable and I almost cried while the hygenist was using one of those aweful tartar picks.
I have a cavity appointment scheduled for friday morning. Boooo, but better than the next available time in a week and a half.
And Senior Attorney, I happen to have a happy hour scheduled tomorrow work. So I’ll cheers to myself for doing the scary hard things.
Senior Attorney
Yay for happy hour!! (Also pro tip: Next time ask the hygenist to put a TON of topical anaesthetic on your gums.)
Seventh Sister
Every day I have to spend with my MIL. Also I almost always pick a fight with my spouse the day after we meet up with MIL, and I hate it. So I want it to be 48 hours after we had to interact with the in-laws.
Seventh Sister
It’s corny as heck, but I find myself using those affirmations from a five-year-old that went viral on Twitter (I am brave of this meeting!)
Anon
I just looked up “I am brave of this meeting” and love all the affirmations, including “I smell good,” which I do, so I will say that three or five times. :)
Anon
Any suggestions for where to celebrate a milestone birthday in late September? We have one week to travel from the eastern US. I want to go somewhere with warm-ish weather, good food and wine and nice scenery where we can have a relaxing, low key vacation. I’m not interested in a beach resort for this trip (we prefer to save the beach for when the weather is cold and gross at home). The vibe I’m imagining is Tuscany, but we were just there for spring break and it feels kind of silly to go back so soon. Is Provence similar? Somewhere else in Italy? Other ideas?
Anokha
So with the caveat that I have never been, I have heard great things about Douro Valley in Portugal, which may fit a lot of those boxes.
Anon
Yes! I haven’t been during September, but it is gorgeous, laid back, and has delicious food. Porto and the Douro Valley would make a lovely week trip!(In particular, I recommend staying at Casa do Visconde de Chanceleiros, and the proprietor can arrange a private driver and wine tasting itinerary for you for a very reasonable price!)
Anon
I found this thread about places like Tuscany that aren’t Tuscany: https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g187893-i67-k1011415-A_place_like_Tuscany_outside_of_Italy-Tuscany.html
NYCer
South of France is beautiful in September… St Paul de Vence, Antibes, Cannes, St Tropez, Aix-en-Provence, etc. Some of those towns are along the coast, but there are not beach resorts in the same way as there are in the US or Caribbean.
Auburn
My husband and I went to Goriska Brda in western Slovenia in October last year, and LOVED it. It’s called “the Tuscany of Slovenia” so definitely worth looking into! We stayed at Gredic Castle, would highly recommend.
Senior Attorney
We did a vacation in Crete a few years ago and LOVED it. Beautiful weather, great food, all the history you could ask for, and not as crazy as the more glamorous Greek islands.
Senior Attorney
Coming back to say we were there for my birthday in late September and it was great.
Anon
Seville?
Anon
Amalfi Coast? It’s not that similar to Tuscany but would tick the boxes of good food, wine, scenery and warm weather.
A
Greece? South of France, positano, canaries…
Tall Lady
Do joggers for tall (6’) women exist? I’m still wearing my leggings because I can’t find any long enough.
anon
Athleta has tall sizes and several styles of joggers to choose from.
Anon
I honestly don’t think so. I order talls from the ON/Gap/BR family for my daughter who is only 5-7 (but all leg) and they are normal length on her. They are better than the regular length ones, but may still be ankle length on you. Beyond them, there is nothing.
Anon
Lulu has align joggers that I think come in tall lengths.
Anon
Vuori makes tall joggers.
Mrs. Jones
I am 5’7″ and the Vuori tall joggers are perfect for me, so I fear they would not be perfect for someone 6′.
test run
I don’t think so – I’m 5’10 and even joggers labeled “tall” hit me too high on the ankle or mid-calf. If it works for your body shape, I’ve had luck just buying men’s instead.
Anonymous
Yes, Amallitalli.
Anon
Eddie Bauer tall. I am 5-10 and I wish they were a bit shorter.
Anonymous
I’m 5’8″ and Old Navy talls are perfect for me. My sister is 5’10” and likes joggers she’s gotten at Costco.
Anon
Other than Athleta/Gap talls, lululemon generally has good lengths.
Anon
Try long tall sally
Anon
Please tell me what to wear to work today. It’s cloudy, cool, and I’m in a casual office. Crowd sourcing ideas because I’m over thinking this morning.
Anon
Probably not the most stylist, but I’m wearing boyfriend jeans, a cozy oversized sweater, and booties. It’s in the 20s in DC – which it is not supposed to be – and I just grabbed my comfiest clothes.
pugsnbourbon
+1 this is what people in Indy are wearing, too.
Anon
Lean into hygge and wear your most comfy stuff. No one will care. Layers of soft and warm. Zero figure flattery.
Carla
I’m leaning in to the casual today, especially since its so cold. Dark red velvet leggings from Old Navy & a black cropped-ish sweater with puffy sleeves. And tall boots.
I really usually don’t dress this casual but didn’t feel like dressing up more this morning.
To Paint or not to Paint?
How often do you paint/ repaint interiors? And what factors into the decision? My husband grew up where the interior walls were repainted every 3-5 years and he is itching to repaint our living areas- he says things just look shabby. We have three young kids so I know what he means, but… I don’t know if I feel like the shabbiness is that big of a deal? Like it’s cosmetic to me and the kids are just going to mess everything up again. Also I hate having to pick paint colors so the whole things just seems like a lot of work. But he says repainting is part of routine maintenance as a home owner. Am I missing something here? Thoughts and perspectives?
Also- if anyone has wall colour ideas for paint a living room with a large bay window and strong afternoon sun, and light colored natural woven shades, and a fireplace mantel the previous owners painted deep burgundy- I’d love to hear….
Anonymous
That seems really often. If you have carpet in your house I would say repaint as often as you replace the carpet – added bonus that you don’t have to worry about getting paint on the carpet you’re getting rid of. I wonder if he might compromise by doing only a room or two that really bother him? Like maybe the entryway and living room?
Anon
Paint the mantel. Literally any color. A dark charcoal-black looks good, as can a rich mushroom color – depends on what else you have going on.
As far as walls, no, they don’t get painted every 2-3 years in my world and I’ve never known anybody to do that. But if my DH wanted to paint the walls, I’d tell him to knock himself out – by himself.
Anon
Pretty often, I agree with your husband.
ALT
Can you not just repaint them the same colors? I agree that things do look shabby-ish at 5ish years (I’ve been in my condo 6 years and while I’ve been easy on my walls, they do have some scuffs that won’t come off with cleaning) so I wouldn’t be put off by repainting the walls the same colors.
Alternatively, have you tried washing the walls and seeing if the “shabbiness” is just grime? Washing is less labor intensive than painting.
Anonymous
+1 give your walls a wash.
Anon
We’ve done touch-up painting with the exact same color and finish paint to cover up scuffs and grunginess, vs. going to the work of repainting an entire wall and having to move or drape furniture and tape, etc. Looks great, you can’t tell where we’ve touched up. Color matching tech is so good these days that Sherwin-Williams was able to take a sample of the existing paint from the old paint can and give us a new can of paint that is an exact, exact match. FWIW I also clean/dust the entire wall before we do the touch-ups and that helps also.
Anonymous
+1 – A magic eraser + touch up paint should fix most of what ails them. Our walls haven’t been painted in 5 years but my husband is obsessed with touch ups and they are like new. (We painted them ourselves originally and have original paint available for touch ups).
Re: paint colors – most of our living area is Behr Pink Sea Salt and I’m still happy with it. Its a light peachy pink.
Anon.
MAybe that is a stupid question, but what exactly is meant by “washing” your walls?
I’m originally from Europe and have never heard about this before moving to the US.
Do you take a sponge/cloth and a bucket of water and wipe the walls? Wouldn’t that take the paint off? Get streaky? Cause water stains? Do you use a squeegee thingy?
Anon LA
This is not a question with a right or wrong answer. I average around 5 years, but it depends on the room (downstairs where I have guests more often than upstairs; kids’ bedrooms more often than mine). Every 3 years feels like too often; just when replacing the carpet not often enough.This is like the great indoor shoe debate – there is no correct answer. It is matter of personal preference.
But the point is that your husband wants to paint. So let him pick a color (while retaining veto power) and let him go at it while you take the kids someplace. It is not like you can both be painting at the same time given the aforementioned kids.
Anon
I rent so I do not worry about painting, but my parents have been in their house for almost 30 years and most rooms have been painted 2-3 times. I think repainting every few years is excessive, especially if you have kids that will just scuff the walls up again! Shabbiness with young kids is bound to happen, but I think its almost a bonus since then you don’t have to worry about the inevitable future damage :)
but, if husband is insistent on repainting every few years I’d tell him to knock his socks off and volunteer to take the kids to the park while he’s painting.
But no, I do not consider repainting every 3-5 years as regular home maintenance!
pugsnbourbon
No idea how often rooms should be painted, but I follow Farrow and Ball on insta and their color schemes are gorgeous.
Cornellian
No idea how often rooms should be painted, but I follow Farrow and Ball on insta and their color schemes are gorgeous.
Anonymous
You can refresh the paint without changing the color.
Anonymous
And you can probably do it in one coat, whereas changing the color will take two coats. But I’d try washing the walls first.
Anon
I clean any visible scuffing on the walls every 6 months or so. I start with just papertowel and water/dishsoap, and if that doesn’t work, magic eraser. Anything worse than that I touch up with leftover paint — but my walls are all white (BM Chantilly Lace) so it’s easy (no fading). My dream paint color is F&B sulking room pink, but sadly I do not have a sulking room.
OP- To Paint or not to Paint?
“Sulking room”! Hah! I want a sulking room.
Cat
Painting that often will lead to having a TON of paint on your walls and trim! I co-sign all the recommendations to literally wash your walls first. Then just touch up as needed rather than go to the cost and effort of an entire re-paint.
OP- To Paint or not to Paint?
Thanks for all the input and inspiration! I never even thought of washing the walls… is it really as simple as soap and water?
The difficult thing with touchup is we don’t have the original paint color- the walls were this neutral soft pinkish white when we moved in and it didn’t look terrible then (I’m sure because we bought the house from a single man in his sixties without kids). I wouldn’t hate a new colour… I just hate the idea of choosing and painting.
ALT
Go Clean Co on Instagram does hot water and a teaspoon of powdered Tide. I haven’t personally done this but I don’t think she would steer you wrong.
Anon.
I literally asked above what “washing walls” means. So thank you, I feel better now that I’m not the only one not knowing how to do that…
Anon
to the rette cleaning out your closet yesterday, I missed the morning post but happy to be your accountability partner.
I’m the one who posted about cleaning out on the last 2 weekends. we’re caregivers to someone who is high risk so I get how things pile up. I used to have an immaculate and organized house, but we’re backed up on all sorts of house projects.
I’d suggest that you join me this week by just removing one thing from your closet. I hope you’ll let us know what it was or just that you did it. : )
Anonymous
Thank you!!! I did indeed take one bag from the closet. I cleaned it out and found 90% trashable junk (I save a lot of boxes “for gift wrapping” but if I’m honest, I have a never ending stream of Amazon boxes), my spare pair of glasses in my current prescription that I thought I left on the airplane, and two books that promptly went on a shelf. Tonight, another box/bag!
Bonnie Kate
Yes!!! That’s such a great update!
Anon
that’s great!
multi weekend cleaner here, over the last 2 weeks, here’s what i found;
i thought i had no hair spray. if you guessed that i solved this false belief 7x overbut they didn’t end in their right home before, you’d be correct
i found lots of face skin care masks, la mer, makeup and perfume and other samples! I’m planning on trying. few a week as a year for doing the Things.
i found an antique bracelet i bought myself from etsy and it got misplaced.
i found a bunch of tags-on clothes in 2 sizes smaller than current which made be keep working to burn calories
i found some small things that made me smile and think of family members no longer here. the most priceless
I found a ton of energy. but after 6 hours at it but that night and since.
i look forward to the mystery of your next bag or box
Anonymous
Exciting news that I just need to share…I *just* put an offer on a condo. Please send me good vibes! I’ve had several denied, but I keep trying. Late 30s, first time homebuyer, and this is my dream!
Anon
GL!
Anon
good luck!! fingers crossed for you
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!! VIBES!!!!
Anonymous
Wohoo, good luck!
Anonymous
Bad news, I saw the seller updated the property description *and* scheduled 2 open houses this weekend, after I put in my offer expiring tomorrow. So assuming it is rejected. The property has been on the market for over 2 months…
Anon
Up your offer.
Anon
Has anyone here eaten at The French Laundry? Was it worth the $350/person and how did it compare to other similar priced/esteemed restaurants? I would have nothing to compare it to. Trying to decide if it is worth dragging my DH there with me on our upcoming vacation to Napa.
Gavin Newsom
I did and it was great, but it almost cost me my job so YMMV
anonshmanon
heh.
Cornellian
ha!
Senior Attorney
Still mad at you, Gavin.
Anon
Same. Not recall-mad, but mad.
Anon
HAHAHAH best comment on this site EVER.
Cat
I have not, but my personal experience on super-splurge meals like this is that my expectations are SO high for that price point that it will never live up.
We did a wine-soaked trip to Italy and my sharpest, most favorite memory was the tiny restaurant that sold only bread, cheese, salami, and Prosecco – with picnic tables overlooking the vine-covered hills. Cost for lunch was like 20 euros but it was absolutely priceless…
Anon
In Italy I totally agree, you don’t have to pay much at all for amazing food and views. But $$$$ are worth it to me in the US and I think they really are a step up from other “nice” restaurants.
Anon
I love the Gavin comment:) but I have eaten there so I’ll also reply seriously. We did it as a bucket list thing before moving away from Northern California, and it was really special. I’ve had a number of tasting menus at Michelin starred restaurants in the $100-200 per person price range, but I think TFL is the most expensive restaurant I’ve been to. I don’t think it was twice as good as places like Picasso in Vegas that “only” charge $150 per person, but it was definitely an outstanding meal and one of the better tasting menus I’ve had. My husband didn’t like it as much as I did; he felt like it was below average for a tasting menu. The ambiance and service are first class and overall I thought the experience was worth doing once, even for the insane price. I have no desire to go back though. We got so much food. It was one of the only tasting menus I’ve done where I couldn’t even take bites of the last few courses because I was just so stuffed. The oysters and pearls was by far my favorite course, even though I don’t normally like oysters or caviar. I still dream about it. I would go if you can get a reservation!
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s worth it. We had a regular tasting menu and a vegetarian tasting menu and neither lived up to the hype. I would instead do Meadowood.
Agurk
Are you a bay area local? Go to Lazy Bear
Serafina
I don’t think it’s easy to get reservations so unless you’re planning around the meal, you may not be able to get in which would make your decision easier :)
Anon
I took my dad there for his 80th birthday celebration and got one of the private rooms for a large group and it was a really memorable experience and the food was divine. I think it’s worth it. Note that it is extremely hard to get reservations there and there are other great options in Napa including Meadowood. It you have to “drag” your DH to the French Laundry it might not be worth it.
Sarita
I’m in my late 20s, single, and really want to go on a trip out of the country. I always find it difficult to coordinate time off with friends and my family members wont be going on their usual international trip this year. I was resistant to go on a solo trip even though the one I went on when I was younger has been one of my favorite trips ever, but a coworker was just looking up flights to Europe and I’m tempted. I have plenty of vacation time, money is not an issue, and I’d love to go back to the city where I studied abroad in Europe.
I’m not that concerned about COVID, fully vaccinated and boosted and have been eating and going to indoor exercise classes for a while.
I think I’m feeling a little “oh are people going to judge me for this” but also excited at the idea of just re-exploring a new city for a few days.
Anonymous
People will judge you as a confident interesting person who is together enough to go on solo trips. Go for it!
Senior Attorney
+1
Cat
No one will judge you for this. This says “I’m confident and independent,” not “gee she must not have anyone to travel with,” if that’s the worry.
Sarita
Yeah that was the worry. Idk why I’m overthinking it, I’ve already gone on a solo trip and I don’t remember anyone having a negative reaction to it (other than OMG were you safe, which I was)
Bonnie Kate
+1000 to this. I promise you, if I think anything of your solo trip, I will be thinking jealous thoughts because – while I love my husband and do like trips with him….but solo trips are just the best, especially if we have to fly.
Bonnie Kate
lmao at my sentence structure. my grammar is just the WORST in the comment section here since I refuse to re-read/edit and type in between work things.
Anonymous
Are you worried that people will judge you for COVID reasons or for traveling alone? Most people will envy the traveling alone part.
Shelle
Just got back from a second solo trip and really enjoyed how I could do whatever I wanted without considering anyone else’s preferences or energy level. Take the trip!!
Mouse
Oh yes! Do it! One of my favourite pre pandemic memories is the number of 3-4 day trips I took to Vienna (and one to Amsterdam). I was 24-26 at the time
anon
Just do it! When I was in my late 20s, I took lots of solo trips. My schedule was really erratic (ER doctor), and I realized that if I waited for someone to travel with, I’d never get to travel the way I wanted to. So I took the plunge and never looked back. I traveled solo to Mexico, Ecuador, Panama, Hong Kong, Kenya, and South Africa. I would have kept on going, but I met my spouse somewhere along the way. We now have two young kids that make travel far less appealing, but I’m excited for them to reach an age where we can all enjoy exploring the world again.