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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
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Surf Retreat
Has anyone ever done one of the Goddess Surf retreats in Bali? The website seems a little woo for my taste but I wanted to do a learn to surf camp for my 40th birthday. Also open to other suggestions if anyone has done a surf camp elsewhere in the world!
Anonymous
I have not been yet but am planning to do Surf With Amigas in Costa Rica for my 50th birthday. They also have camps in Bali.
Anonymous
Please report back! Am very interested to hear how you like it.
Gail the Goldfish
Seconding the report back request! Learning to surf is on my bucket list.
Anonymous
It’s not for a couple of years but I will be sure to report back. ;) I have been dreaming of doing this for years and the big 5-0 was the best way I could rationalize it. My extroverted husband got a giant fancy party, introverted outdoorsy me gets a solo surf trip.
Anon
I did Escape Haven and it was fabulous!
Anon
The comments yesterday about smoking really struck me. I think because smoking is not a matter of property rights but a matter of public health. You may be sitting on your property when you smoke, but the air you exhale quickly travels to other people, and it contains toxins (second hand smoke) that harm their bodies.
It doesn’t make any more sense to say “it’s my property and I’ll smoke if I want to” than it does to say “my body, my choice” about virus protections for a communicable disease that is spread by breathing. In both cases, your choice causes harm to other people.
Anon
What about particulates from wood-burning fire places?
Anonymous
or gas powered lawn equipment, or outdoor fires/ fire pits?
Anon
Yes, we should absolutely ban gas powered lawn equipment and I’m so glad that many cities near me are doing exactly that!!
Anon
Why stop there? Just ban fun.
anon
Or bonfires. My mother is legitimately allergic to all wood-burning fires. Doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be allowed to have them.
Anon
These are the worst. I live in a slightly low lying area where the air often lies stagnant and particulates really collect. The air quality can be quite bad at times, and even inside will reek of smoke many evenings (I’m a renter, and there’s only so much I can do to seal the house).
Anon
They are one of the main causes of air pollution during the winter in many states. If you’ve ever seen the inversion in Salt Lake City, that’s often very much due to woodburning fireplaces.
Anon
In my neighborhood, there’s a house with a gigantic (as in taller than me) pile of mulch and brush in the front yard and all winter long, nonstop clouds of thick black smoke coming out of the chimney. I have so many questions about what goes on there, starting with how they haul that mulch into the house to burn, where it’s coming from, and WHY??? They must be single handedly responsible for a huge amount of our local particulate pollution.
Anon
I feel like mulch is too wet to burn and wouldn’t want it burning inside b/c there are too many small bits to hold up in the grates. It has to be something else, yes? I wouldn’t know how to get the fire started b/c a fire needs air to burn well (have camped to d*mn much since COVID started; now I have insights and feelings into burning things that 2019 me did not have, like saving dryer lint for starting fires).
Anon
I don’t think it’s mulch exactly, because I agree it wouldn’t burn. Maybe just other wood debris of some kind? I drive by every day and haven’t wanted to pull over and closely investigate. But judging by the thick black smoke, it’s not actually burning very well, so who knows? I have to assume they get it free or very cheap to be worth the hassle.
Anon
Those are bad too and that is why they are being phased out in some states. It’s going to be a slow process though. The one major difference is that people need fuel for heat to survive. No one needs to smoke to survive.
Anon
And please, don’t bother with the argument that it benefits people with schizophrenia. It’s not a “gotcha.”
Anon
And? How are you personally going to stop people from smoking on their own property. I’m not a smoker, in fact I hate it and it killed my mother, but there are limits to how much you can police what people do in their personal lives.
Anon
You have to do it on the policy level. Make cigarettes by prescription only, make them cost $1000 a pack, ban them, have public campaigns, or any other number of policy proposals. I don’t subscribe to the life philosophy of “welp can’t do anything about anything!”
Anon
+ 1 to 10:21
Anon
Sure! Get to work on that.
PolyD
What Anon at 10:21 said is pretty much what has been done to reduce smoking. Not the prescription part (although I’ll say again, vapes should have been prescription-only), but increased taxes on cigarettes, banning indoor smoking, dorms and apartment building going smoke-free, no cigarette ads on tv, movies and tv being encouraged to not show people smoking, etc. It can be done, but it’s going to take time.
Anon
It is working! Smoking rates in the US have dropped by almost half since 2005 because of the things PolyD mentions (21% to 11%). That’s huge, even if vaping and pot are up some to compensate.
Anon
Exactly. Smoking rates have not dropped over time on their own – it’s the result of enormous policy efforts that have saved lives. We can and should celebrate and build on that.
Anon
I was in my car behind a convertible with someone vaping in it on a lovely day and had to roll up my windows, the smell was that awful. With the windows up, the smell still got in even with no a/c on. It’s like being in a chemical warehouse fire. I get that vaping can help cigarette smokers quit, which I support, but a lot of vapers never smoked cigarettes AND can they not just deliver the nicotine without the heavy smells? Ugh. Don’t get me started on how weed is everywhere and that is second hand smoke that I really don’t like. I feel like I’d fail a drug test after walking down the hallway sometimes. In apartments with common inside hallways, it ought to be illegal (which it is, but a low priority for landlord or police enforcement).
Cb
Ugh, sometimes the teens vape on the bus and it is horrific! And there are parents who vape on the playground waiting to pick up their kid from school.
Anon
One of the worst spots for having to ride my bike through a cloud of weed smoke is the pickup line at the local elementary school. Guess it’s an improvement over the “wine mom” of 10 years ago, but it’s still gross. And lest anyone think “that never happens in MY neighborhood school”, I assure you, it does.
Anonymous
Plus vaping just screams “I’m influenced by advertising how to look cool.” I’ve yet to seen anyone vaping that didn’t look stupid. Let’s stick plastic thing in mouth and then emit smoke…cool!
Anon
I didn’t know it was supposed to look cool. Seriously, I had no idea.
PolyD
I feel very strongly that vapes should only have been available by prescription, for people who already smoked. It’s horrifying how vape manufacturers are targeting kids and kids who use vapes are very, very likely to move on to other forms of tobacco (I work with people who do a lot of tobacco use research).
I hate the public marijuana use, too. Makes me almost regret my votes to decriminalize it! I mean, can’t people just use edibles in public??
I’ve also seen young people smoking pot on the metro and I feel like the punishment for that should be to seal them in a cubicle for a few hours with people smoking cigarettes. I think the youths don’t remember how awful indoor smoking was, maybe they need to be reminded in hopes that they stop inflicting their smoke on others.
Anonymous
Yeah, I find it very ironic that liberals support public smoking of weed when we’ve been working so hard to get rid of tobacco smoking in public. It feels like a huge step backwards. All smoke-able products should be banned and replaced with edibles, nicotine gum, etc. for those who insist on poisoning themselves.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, ANY particulates in the air can be super harmful and bothersome.
Taki
If it helps, you can’t fail a drug test based on second-hand smoke aside from some VERY specific scenarios (like a small hotbox for several hours).
Cat
OP was just saying that to emphasize how strong the smell is. FWIW I agree. I detest the smell of weed – it’s far more annoying than cig smoke to me! – and really, really, really wish only edibles had been legalized.
Anonymous
I was in New York recently and have to say that you New Yorkers are made of much, much tougher stuff than I am! The entire city just smells like weed and I don’t know how you deal with that daily.
Anon
We used to go to smoke-filled bars. And work in smoking offices. And fly in planes where people smoked. Outside is just not as bad.
BeenThatGuy
The smell of weed covers the smell of hot urine on a summer day. That counts for something!
Runcible Spoon
I immediately switch my A/C to “recirculate” (as opposed to fresh incoming air from the outside), whenever I am driving behind a smoker. (Or if the pollen count is high for that matter.) Helps enormously.
Anon
Honestly, unless you are driving out in the country, you should be on recirculate for filtered air most of the time!
Anonymous
As long as smoking is legal, you can’t prevent people from smoking in areas where it is not prohibited. Although it’s prohibited in most (maybe all) public places and many privately owned places in the US, it’s not illegal for people to smoke on their own property. You don’t really have any standing to ask people not to perform a legal activity on their own property. It’s another matter of if you don’t like it, work to change the law.
If you don’t like cigarette smoke, you’ll really enjoy it when marijuana is legalized. It stinks! I am looking forward to the backlash on its legalization.
Anon
The weed though. It doesn’t matter that it is illegal and can cost you your job. At a certain point, I’m sure that the second-hand smoke adds up to the point where you shouldn’t drive.
Anonymous
No it doesn’t and no it can’t. No one fails a drug test because their neighbor smokes or gets high from a waft in the backyard.
Anon
It’s very very hard to get contact high from weed. I’ve never smoked weed once in my life, but in college several of my friends were daily smokers. I’d hang out with them while they hotboxed a dorm room and never got contact high.
Anon
Not illegal in CA and no work related cannabis testing starting 1/1/24.
Anonymous
Unless you’re a Fed. Weed is still federally illegal and use of cannabis is not allowed. Federal employees can still be drug tested and lose their job and / or security clearance for use of cannabis.
Anon
Congratulations Anon at 2:17! You are technically correct, which, as all bureaucrats know, is the best kind of correct.
Anon
I absolutely abhor smoking (broke up with someone over it) but I’m not concerned about secondhand smoke outdoors, especially from another property. I believe that it dissipates pretty quickly outdoors. Indoors is completely another topic, but that wasn’t yesterdays concern.
Anon
I don’t know, I’ve walked down the sidewalk 20 paces or more behind a smoker and been able to smell the smoke very clearly. That’s how people who smoke while walking became one of my all-time biggest pet peeves.
Anon
Yes, but that sort of brief exposure over time is not significant enough to be fighting these battles.
Obviously many posters here didn’t grow up in the 70’s/80’s where the weather in my city (Chicago) was so bad most summer days just from pollution that you honestly shouldn’t have kids playing outside. Never mind the smoking EVERYWHERE. Can you imagine? Every bar/cafe/plane filled with smoke? The progress we have made is truly incredibly.
I’m a doctor and we all need to balance and consider our relative health risks. For those so worried about the typical second hand smoke exposures these days, I assume you are just as militant as avoiding other toxins like alcohol, some hair dyes, some dry cleaning chemicals, unhealthy foods, lack of exercise etc… which are much more likely to give you long term medical problems, and cancer, that vary depending upon your genetics.
And yes… legalizing cannabis…. don’t get me started!
Changing legislation to prevent vaping/tobacco companies from targeting kids is important.
Addiction is real.
Better access to medical care and mental health care and addiction care is needed.
Anon
I’m the one who complained about smoking while walking and yes, I do not dye my hair, I don’t drink, I make an effort to purchase organics, I use less hazardous cleaning supplies, and otherwise try to reduce carcinogens to the extent that I have control. Not all of these things are directly related to that argument, of course – I love my natural hair color and have no reason to dye it. But it’s a benefit. I live in an area with extreme wildfire seasons and I’m absolutely interested in reducing every possible optional exposure to carcinogens. Society can’t stop every wildfire, but we can stop smokers from smoking in public where they harm others.
Anon
Haha I remember flying PanAm to the Uk in the 1990s after carefully requesting a seat in the “non smoking” section…. which turned out to be one row behind the smoking section. It was nuts.
Anon
I always wonder who has the time, energy, and money to do everything right.
I’d love an organic carcinogen free lifestyle but it’s expensive (organic food is mostly out if my budget) and takes way more energy and time than I have. I’d love to give up my microwave and processed food and very effective chemical laden cleaning products and plastic and whatever else but I can’t.
Anon
Weirdly, a little bit of outside cigarette or cigar smoke hits the nostalgia parts of my brain. I’m an 70’s/early 80’s kid when smoking inside was still common and bowling alleys were fun places.
Anonymous
So, I’d actually much prefer that as a society and government we aim to reduce first fires rather than smoking. The impacts (health and environmental) from forest fires are way more pervasive and way more damaging than smoking and it’s impacts.
Smokers don’t cover literally half the country (or multiple countries!) with dangerous air quality for days or weeks at a time. Smoking is burning a cigarettes worth of carcinogens, not entire buildings of them. Smoking is not caused by dangerous climate change and land use policies.
Runcible Spoon
Ah, yes, I remember the Air France smoking section (it was one of the last airline holdouts), which was behind a flimsy gauzey curtain. Good luck keeping the smoke from wafting out every time a passenger or flight attendant passed through!
Anon
Outdoors is still a big deal for people who are actually allergic to tobacco smoke. I believe this was one reason for banning smoking outdoors anywhere near places that people can’t avoid.
Anon
When they instituted the indoor smoking ban in CA, it resulted in workers crowding around the doors of office buildings to smoke so that you had to walk a gantlet of smokers to enter or exit the building. They then updated the law to say you also had to be a certain # feet from the door.
Anonymous
Cry me a river. Truly cigarette smoke wafting over from someone else’s yard is not killing you. It’s an annoyance.
Anon
Found the smoker!
Anon
Hell is other people.
anon
I am definitely not a smoker and I totally agree with this. If you think wafting smoke from more than 6 feet away is harmful to you, you need to make different living arrangement choices. Smoke free apartments or rural areas with bigger lots exist.
A huge reason DH and I live in a rural area is so we can afford a 7 acre wooded lot with no neighbors. Would our career options be more varied and bigger in an urban area? Absolutely. But we know we don’t want to live in close proximity to other people.
Anonymous
Omg could you people be any more uptight? Yikes
Anonymous
Also girl. I can breathe outside with Covid. Deal with it. Like in my own yard? You sound insane.
busybee
I think smoking is absolutely revolting and we actually moved largely because of it. We were going to move anyway but our timeline moved up because we couldn’t ever open our windows, play with our daughter outside, or even just sit on the porch. Our neighbors, with whom we shared a wall (twin house) smoked ALL day long, just one after another. It was horrible. Agree that it’s not illegal but it’s a jerky move and made me dislike them immensely.
Anon
I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. And it’s an expensive, nasty, and unhealthy habit. Sorry not sorry but I do judge smokers.
Anon
+1. I judge smokers who start smoking in this day and age the most. It was one thing for your grandmother to still smoke in 1970.
Anon
It does make sense though, because they are legally allowed to smoke on their own property. I’m no fan of smoking but a neighbor smoking in their yard is a pretty negligible health risk and it’s easy to close your windows, move away, etc.
Anon
In a SF house, yes. I’d pay extra to live in a smoke/weed/vaping free apartment building, like the sober living dorms that some colleges have (which are often just no drugs or alcohol, tobacco is often OK).
Anonymous
Many apartment buildings are no smoking. This discussion is about people smoking outdoors. I live in a no smoking building but people still can and do smoke on the sidewalks.
Anon
In my state, they’re not allowed to smoke on sidewalks within a certain distance of residences, which recognizes the harm that smoking causes (especially to children). More places should have (and enforce) these laws. Smoking should be as inconvenient as possible. I’d be glad if a pack of cigarettes cost $250.
Anon
In my area, people smoke on balconies, which means that it gets inside on a nice day when you also want to have a window or door open. So it makes a nice outdoor space, the only one I have, unusable on a nice day. I’m the one who’d pay extra for a 100% non-smoking building (and then I’d likely live next to a person who is trying to ferment their own fish or something smelly but legal or a lot of male cats).
Anon
My building allows smoking inside your own unit, but there is a rule that smoke or any other odor may not annoy your neighbors. I know of at least a couple of weed smokers who have purchased some sort of expensive smoke recapture machine. It seems to be effective.
Anon
I completely agree. I’m pretty sure half the people yesterday defending smokers were just trying to be contrary. In real life, I know absolutely nobody who thinks it’s just delightful that their next-door neighbors smoke on their own property and it billows over. That is a nonsensical position.
Anecdata
I don’t think anyone was saying they /enjoy/ secondhand smoke… just that it’s one of the annoyances you have to live with in a neighborhood
Anon
Exactly.
You really think there are a lot of smokers on this site? I seriously doubt it!
People get so defensive on this site.
I figure they are young, and don’t have enough life experience to put things to get angry about in perspective. Gosh, does that sound condescending… shrugs.
Anon
It’s just people looking to call others crazy and to exercise some little measure of meanness. None of them like cigarette smoke but anything to be oppositional!
Anon
I don’t think anyone is saying you can’t find it annoying. What they’re saying is that you can’t prevent your neighbor from smoking on their own property, or their dogs barking when they’re outside playing with them, and to act like it’s something you can force someone to stop doing just makes you seem ridiculous. And I’m not a young ‘un.
Anonymous
The same thing could be said for anything. Do my migraines get to dictate what laundry products you use? Or what scent you wear?
Should your neighbors decide whether you are allowed to barbecue or have a fire pit?
Anon
Oh man, if I could outlaw “fresh” scented dryer sheets I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I’m not going to be the crazy lady who walks up to my neighbors and demands they stop using them!
Anonymous
And the same applies to smoking, whether those of us who don’t smoke like it or not.
I have a neighbor who uses those laundry bead things and when the wind is just right I end up with a migraine that could last days. The same with certain perfumes and colognes, I only have to be in line behind the person wearing them for it to be a problem.
And yet, I don’t expect my problem to dictate what these people can or can’t do.
Anon
I agree completely. I like fragrance. It’s a hobby of mine. But people who wear the same scent day in and day out can’t smell it anymore (that’s the science) so they end up completely over spraying after a while.
And laundry scents get stronger and stronger for the same reason.
Anonymous
While I agree that many people hrow nose-blind and over spray, scents don’t have to be over sprayed for them affect me…they just have to be made of the chemical compounds that set off a migraine.
Anon
Co-sign this. I would ban perfume and strongly-scented detergents/soaps if it were up to me, because I’m scent sensitive and get migraines from strong scents. But the thing is, I don’t get to bend the universe to my will just because I have a particular problem. I use scentless products in my own home, but that’s basically all the agency I have in that particular situation. Other people don’t have my sensitivities, and they should be able to wear perfume and use detergents if they want to.
And don’t get me started on backyard fire pits. We have a neighbor who bought a charcoal smoker before Memorial Day, and he is out there enthusiastically smoking meats every weekend. Sometimes it smells great and sometimes it’s so pungent I don’t even want to go outside. But he’s doing a completely legal activity on his property, so what exactly does anyone do here? He’s not doing what he’s doing AT me.
This is that whole “external locus of control” thing that got brought up a few weeks ago. There are a lot of people here who seem to feel that their life is not as wonderful as they would like it to be solely because of other people’s choices. When, in fact, we all have a degree of agency over our own lives. Including the agency to decide what to get upset about, and how upset we want to be about things, and for how long. It’s a choice to get super-mega-upset about things you have no control over. And it’s a choice to continue to think about those things almost obsessively, and work yourself into a rage that never stops. I hate smoking; I hate perfume; I hate listening to barking dogs barking for hours on end; I don’t love hearing crying babies on airplanes, and in general I wish people were more considerate of others. But I live in THE world, not MY world, and so my choice is: be so upset about things I cannot control that I put myself under constant oxidative stress and maybe have a heart attack or a stroke, and definitely end up living a life that is less happy and fulfilling than it could be. Or, I can learn to let some things go. I choose to let some things go.
Anon
People responding to a thread on this site with their opinions does not mean that they are obsessing about these issues. That’s a silly argument.
Anon
Saying “that’s a silly argument” is a lazy, low-effort response and doesn’t reveal you to be a very good analyst, or critical thinker.
Explorette
Saying “that’s a silly argument” is a lazy, low-effort response and doesn’t reveal you to be a very good analyst, or critical thinker.
Anon
I disagree. I think it’s very normal to think about a thread that caught your interest and to make a second post the next day. That is not the same as making a post every single day or losing sleep. It isn’t a superior position to read something and immediately forget about it. It’s OK to care about things.
anon
This whole comment is amazing, and that last paragraph – yes, yes, yes.
Anon
As my very wise father says – you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your neighbors.
Anon
Haha I’ve heard that with relatives, applies equally.
Anonymous
Actually “no fragrances” is one of the first rules in the handbook for a community group I’m part of. And HOAs prohibit all sorts of things. If my neighbors can dictate what color I paint my shutters, I don’t see why the HOA can’t decide to ban smoke.
Anecdata
Almost all choices people make have the potential to cause harm to others – if I used that as my criteria, I’d be angry at everyone all the time : this guy smokes in public, and this guy jets off on international trips all the time and doesn’t even buy carbon offsets, and this other guy buys fast fashion probably made by children and….
Being responsible for my own moral choices is exhausting enough already
busybee
The difference between the jets and the clothing is that it doesn’t directly affect you. Second hand smoke does.
Anon
Except the argument is that jets contribute to climate change, which DOES affect everyone.
busybee
No, not as directly. There’s a difference between the jet in the air contributing to global climate change and my neighbor ripping cigs 6 feet away from me.
Anon
In fact, the jet is worse. Because the real secondhand smoke health risk (vs the annoyance factor) comes from prolonged exposure in enclosed spaces, which means it primarily affects family/household members of smokers. That means most adults can avoid or minimize risk by choosing whether to live with a smoker. You can’t avoid the negative impact to you of carbon emissions.
Anonymous
And this is why the majority of smokers smoke outside. The risk is from prolonged exposure indoors, not from a waft blown over a fence from several feet away.
Anon
This.
Anon
You are the same person who would call DCF if they smoked indoors with their child in the home. I smoked for 25 years and finally quit with the help of Chantix. Many other methods that I tried did not help the addiction. Is there a pill that will get you off your high horse?
Anon 2.0
Strongly strongly disagree, and I don’t smoke! I feel so much of the judgement of smokers is nothing more than a superiority complex. There are socioeconomic issues at play here as well – lower income people tend to smoke more. But, lets add some perspective here – say you work in a coal mine all day, or you work at a sweltering tire factory breathing in the fumes all day, where does smoking fall in your risk scale in this scenario? Probably pretty low. Smoking is an enjoyment for some people who may have otherwise difficult lives and who am I to tell them they can’t do that on their own property?
Are you also going to tell people they can’t use scented laundry products? Because I will go to war with you over my scent beads. Tell people they can’t have a bonfire? Tell people who financially rely on woodstoves they can’t keep warm in the winter?
Anon
I don’t really understand your argument for scent beads. There are more and more efforts these days to phase out harmful fragrances and other chemicals in consumer products where there are good alternatives that are safer. I don’t really get why you wouldn’t switch when in many cases, the better products cost the same or less and have the same level of convenience. It’s like if I’m at the store and there are two boxes on the shelf, one that has known irritants and one that doesn’t, I just reach for the one that doesn’t. It’s so easy.
I would be happy if others provided me the information to make that choice as well.
Anon
Maybe she likes the smell? Let it go peeps. You can’t control other people no matter how much you want to.
Anon
Sure, people can like smells, but I personally have trouble understanding why you can’t just buy fresh flowers or other things that have a great smell and that are safer. It just doesn’t compute to me. But it’s a weird world!
Anonymous
The great thing about it is that you don’t have to understand her argument in order to accept that using scent beads is her choice to make, no matter how anyone else feels about them.
Monday
Yeah–when you look at the demographics of who smokes today, railing against law-abiding smokers mostly means railing against people with low income and educational levels.
https://www.cdc.gov/pcd/issues/2019/18_0553.htm#:~:text=Smoking%20prevalence%20overall%20was%2041.1,or%20above%20the%20poverty%20level.
Anon
Right…and it’s also disproportionately low income people who bear the costs of growing up with a parent who smokes, poor air quality, etc. To me, that’s an even better reason to advocate for policies that will improve this situation, not just to say that it doesn’t affect me because I can afford to live in higher income neighborhood with SFH where nobody smokes instead of apartments full of smokers!
Monday
Sure, advocate for policies. In the meantime, I’m talking about railing against law-abiding smokers. And putting more rules on people’s smoking when they don’t have health care or living wages is not all that helpful, which is why they themselves are not asking for that.
Anon
I agree. We are not helping poor people by being hands off about smoking in neighborhoods dense with apartments, for one.
Anon
Shockingly, I am also in favor of health care and a living wage, even if it requires me to pay higher taxes!
Monday
Great! Save your effort for those much more urgent goals, which would actually be welcome to the people affected.
Explorette
Oh my god. It is not a health risk to smell second hand smoke outside. Calm down.
Anon
You don’t get to be so condescending when you’re not in the right! Geez.
Anon
She is right, though. The health risk of SS comes from prolonged exposure in indoor settings, not smelling it from your neighbor’s yard.
Anon
Yeah, I agree. Smelling smoke outside is way different than being exposed to smoking indoors. It’s annoying and gross and I would be annoyed by those neighbors, but it’s not a major health risk. To me it’s more along the lines of other annoying things neighbors do, like play music a bit too loudly.
Anon
I’m just not a fan of telling other people what to do. You do you though.
anon
Right? I never realize how libertarian regarding personal freedoms I actually am until I read a thread like this and I’m like WHOA.
Anon
Same here!
Anon
Yes, absolutely.
I don’t think of myself as being a “champion of individual liberties” until I see just how many nosy busybodies there are in the world who would tightly control every aspect of someone else’s behavior, if they could. What people wear, what they eat, what they smell like, the legal activities they engage in, etc. It’s mind-boggling to me. But to be fair – if I could control those folks, I would make them stop being nosy busybodies. It seems like a terrible way to live your life.
Anonymous
+ 1 million love this!
Anon
I think we’re talking about two different things. I’d never tell my neighbor they can’t smoke on their property or use their fireplace. But I absolutely will judge that as antisocial behavior when affects neighbors and I will advocate for policies that make it less likely that people will smoke, that make it harder for people to smoke in public spaces, and that protect air quality by encouraging cleaner alternatives to wood burning stoves and fireplaces (including subsidies for those who need them) and ban burning on days when air quality is especially bad.
Anon
I know a lot of neighborhoods are banning leaf blowers, and I’m all for it.
Anon
Same – gas-powered ones are on the way out and I couldn’t be happier. It’s important to progress and do less harm when we can.
Anon
When did this place turn into Nextdoor?
Anon
Haha right, all we’re missing is someone reporting a person of color walking down their street.
Seventh Sister
And grainy Ring camera footage of some guy in a hoodie walking up to their door and ringing the bell…
Anon
I think to myself: “There will never be any sane or worthwhile comments more than 20 comments into a 100+ comment thread,” and I stand corrected.
Brava!
Anon
Takes a bow!
Anonymous
I’ve been thinking about the person yesterday who was unhappy and had so many Zoom calls. Anyway to stack some of them so you get a day free? Knowing I have a no meeting Friday is so psychologically freeing. Or can some of those be moved off camera so you don’t feel as “on” all the time? I recently started a new job where most people leave camera off and it has made me so much happier. Not a long-term fix but when you’re feeling burned out every little bit helps.
Anon
Or can she not “be busy” some of the time?
Anonymous
This is me. I am in an extremely meeting heavy job and any open time on my calendar is unfortunately fair game for somebody to schedule zoom a meeting. So I just block off entire chunks of time where I am “unavailable.” I thought my leadership wouldn’t appreciate it, but I’ve been doing it for a couple of years now and nobody has said anything.
Anon
I didn’t realize that I was doing that accidentally, but I put all sorts of reminders to myself as appointments on my calendar and it results in a lot of time just being blocked off. I’ve learned though that if I have a doctor appointment at 10, I need to block off starting at 9 unless I learn to teleport.
Anon
I am just now learning that I have to do this. I had NINE meetings on Monday. I got no lunch break and was on calls from 7:30 to 5:30. I was so exhausted at the end of the day. I finally realized I am creating my own problems by A. accepting meetings where I don’t know the agenda/why I’m supposed to be there, B. not moving the meetings I can move to another day so I don’t end up with a completely booked day; and C. not blocking off “work time” on my calendar. It’s totally acceptable in my organization to do all of the following; I just hadn’t been doing it because I was trying to be accommodating. But now I’m realizing that if I give people free and open availability to all of my time, they will take it, so I am adding in blocks where I can get actual work done a few times a week and I hope it will help.
Anonymous
I also block off a lunch hour because I need time to eat and decompress. My rule is I don’t take a meeting during that time unless they are feeding me and my assistant knows this too.
Roxie
I am regularly on 6+ hours per day of video calls. It doesn’t strike me as outrageous until someone reminds me that it kind of is, I’ve just become so acclimated!
But it’s just the nature of some jobs.
Yesterday OP
Thank you! That was me and this is really helpful feedback. I could definitely be a lot better about declining some invites and making my call schedule more balanced, I just feel bad about it sometimes. This thread has given me the encouragement I need.
Anon
I just got back from a conference. Observations:
Flat shoes for women (lots of Rothys and very low heels)
Clothes still formal but a bit softer, not casual though; I used to note a lot of MMLF and Resume dresses but couldn’t place most pieces I saw; everything was fairly simple.
Executive sneakers, but just for men.
Lots of golfing — I scanned the foursome listings and it’s mostly all men (note to self: will get daughters golfing b/c at some point they will have jobs and ought to be able to participate fully).
Anon
Screw sneakers only for men, sorry I wear them all the time. My feet deserve a break too.
Anonymous
It was an observation not an edict? You’re welcome to wear sneakers.
Anon
I feel like women’s sneakers work with pants but with dresses, it’s a bit of a PTA mom / teen vibe, at least if I were at a work event (including conferences).
Anon
Oh wear fashion sneakers not dowdy ones with dresses.
Anonymous
Fashion sneakers are still dowdy with dresses. It’s the 1990s subway commuter look.
Anonymous
They still look casual and a bit dowdy with dresses.
Anon
I agree. It’s a very dowdy look. Maybe you can pull it off if you’re 20 something (and even then only other 20 somethings will think it looks cool) but if you’re past that, like me, you may as well put on your track suit and move to The Villages.
There are comfortable shoes that aren’t sneakers.
Anon
How are sneakers and dresses “dowdy”?
Clara
I was at a conference yesterday and definitely noticed a lot of dresses. It seemed very business casual but more creative – more variety in color, prints etc but still a work dress.
Definitely all flats and not heels, not sure if I saw sneakers though. The men were actually all wearing full suits but without a tie.
Anon
At mine (finance), men were in suits (no tie) or polo and nice pants or shirt and nice pants and a sport coat. The shoes were like Sam Hubbards, not something like an AF1.
Anonymous
Conferences in your field must be fancier than those in mine. There is never golf. At most it’s a fun run or a yoga class.
anon
Not the OP, but my field has golf outings all the time and is not fancy at all. However it is male dominate. There are fun runs, but never yoga classes.
Anon
Ha, everyone’s conferences are fancier than mine. At the last one I went to, there were some people there wearing fur suits.
Anon
Like… furries?
Anon
Yup
Anonymous
What is the equivalent of “executive sneakers” for women, though? Men’s executive sneakers have uppers resembling those of dress shoes with sneaker soles. The women’s equivalent is aerosoles or those awesome Nike Air pumps that Cole Haan used to sell in multiple widths. Not sneakers.
Anon
Not popular here, but I wear Golden Goose or Adidas with my suits/blazer and pants. It looks fresh and on trend and I’m not alone in my office.
Anon
Same. I have a pair of old-school Adidas shell-toes and I always get compliments when I wear them with my suit. I usually wear a band t-shirt under my jacket also, but I’m in an environment where I can get away with it.
Anony
If I was back in an office, I would totally rock this look!
Anonymous
Works with jeans. Suiting is so less common now that if the occasion calls for a full suit it seems kind of wonky.
Don’t get me wrong, I own a pair of GGs and find them great for travel and stuff. But not if I’m trying to make an impression at a conference. I’m in a creative field but the conferences I attend are often heavily finance executives and few folks in their 20s –maybe that’s coloring things a bit here. But I don’t think wearing a dirty-looking pair of sneakers is making the best impression. I think there’s a risk of looking like not being able to dress appropriately for the occasion. Sort of like an early careerist with an evening dress trying to pass as office wear.
Anonymous
The only sneakers that I think work with women’s pant suits are very clean Converse, preferably the platform kind a la VPOTUS. It is definitely a Look, though, and can invoke Ellen DeGeneres comparisons. There are zero sneakers that look right with dresses for business formal or business casual.
Runcible Spoon
2:13 pm — I have seen neutral colored Vans-type slip on sneakers with dresses, in the summer, that can pass for work-appropriate attire. Lace-up sneakers, I agree, would not look right with a dress in a grown-up business setting, except, perhaps in some creative field that I do not belong to.
Anon
I was at a one-day conference last week. I’m in a more formal industry (finance) so women were in skirt of pants suits with low heels – I didn’t see a single pair of high heels – and the men were in suits or sports coat ensembles. The men in suits wore normal dress shoes, while some of the sports coats guys wore those shoes that look like a tan colored leather Oxford on top with a white rubber sole like a sleek sneaker. That’s a look that is growing on me, but I didn’t see a women’s equivalent. There aren’t a ton of women in my industry though. The majority of women I saw worked for the conference center and weren’t attendees (this is normal for me.)
Anon
Cole Haan makes women’s sneaker oxfords. Very comfy!
Anonymous
I love them. I’ve wanted oxfords for years, but I have hard to fit feet. The cole haan ones are a great compromise.
Anonymous
Yeah, the men’s dress sneakers definitely do not work with suits. Of course my male colleagues have been wearing comfort slip-ons from Ecco or all-black Reeboks with their suits for years, but no one has ever accused them of being savvy dressers.
Anonanon
I am having a Situation with my doctor’s front office that is jeopardizing my health (rescheduling multiple times at the last minute and refusing to reschedule in a timely manner, so I’m not getting the monitoring I need). This could lead to vision loss, so obviously I’m taking it seriously. Getting a new specialist would be difficult, and impossible to do quickly.
Do I have any recourse here? Does reaching out to the hospital’s office of patient advocacy help at all?
Anon
You won’t know unless you try.
Anon
It’s worth a try, but you may want to start looking for another specialist in the meantime. I once issues a complaint to the parent organization about a doctor who was severely negligent toward my relative and I never heard a word back, but for all I know, they might have taken internal steps.
Anon
It’s worth a try, but my experience with healthcare recently is that they’re pretty much at capacity and there’s only so much they can do. I have a doctor who had to keep canceling on me for a while because she had cancer, and luckily her office had enough other doctors that they were always able to get me in with the others on the same day, but it probably helped that this was during the height of the pandemic when people were mostly avoiding going to the doctor. If it happened now, I bet I’d be seeing more delays. It’s hard to tell if this is an issue like mine or if they’re just screwing up. Finding a new doctor is probably a better option in the long term.
Anon
Do you know why this is happening? Ask to speak to the clinic manager about your concerns. Be calm, polite and ask for their help…. “What do you recommend for me?” Ask what is going on.
And I would simply talk to the doctor about it at the next appointment. Ask him what you should do.
Next time they cancel, ask if one of the other ophthalmologist can see you instead. Sometimes this works.
No, reaching out to the patient advocacy office wont likely help.
Maybe your doctor is abusive/selfish. But maybe they are just busy/got COVID/were called to an emergency at the hospital/had a baby/took a vacation (which is allowed)/had a death of a family member/who knows…. They are people too. And they are overbooked.
This is how medicine is now. It is really a big problem, and will only get worse.
FYI – I was just referred to some specialists that are booked up for over 1 year. They are the only docs for my problem in my network. So I either have to see someone who isn’t an expert in my rare problem
Anonanon
Unfortunately the practice manager is the problem. The doctor told her to fit me in and she just… won’t. Doesn’t return calls, doesn’t return emails, nothing. That’s why I was hoping Patient Advocacy could help.
Anon
Oh- if that’s the case then I’d actually move back upstream a little. Call the front desk, be very friendly and as short and sweet as possible “hey, my appointment got canceled but there should be a message in my chart from Dr X saying that I need to get squeezed in within Y time frame.” If they can’t help see if they can send a message to the nurse to call you back.
I’m sorry you’re going through this!!
Anon
I know with my specialist I am sometimes the quadrupal booking for a time slot, and that I’m either going to wait a bit, or get rescheduled to another time slot at very short notice. There just isn’t enough of him to go around with everyone who needs his medical expertise. Everyone is medicine is really at the end of their ropes right now. The system was broken prior to Covid, but Covid ripped off the bandages that were holding it together. We all are going to be in for a rough few years.
NYNY
There’s a way to escalate that should get you the results you need. You may have gone through some of these already, but I’ll put them up in order
– Start by asking to speak with the practice manager, who can look at the record of rescheduled appointments and understand your complaint, and who has the authority to fit you in even if nothing is available for the schedulers to book.
– If the practice uses Epic/MyChart, message your doctor directly about the rescheduled appointments and your concerns about timely follow-up. The doctor can direct staff to fit you in, but may also be able to give you some health information without seeing you in person.
– If neither of these strategies help, then reach out to the hospital’s patient advocate. Give a clear timeline of the events – initial appointment date, when it was cancelled, etc. – and a clear ask, such as “I need to get in within a week.” They should be able to get action from the practice quickly, and if they can’t, they may be able to schedule you with an alternate provider.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s frustrating to have to advocate for something that should be automatic.
Anonanon
Thank you for this. I think I am on step 3 now — as I said in another reply above, unfortunately the practice manager is the problem. The doctor told her to fit me in and she just… won’t. Doesn’t return calls, doesn’t return emails, nothing.
NYNY
In this case, absolutely reach out to the patient advocate. Also may be worth contacting the department chair, since it sounds like a large hospital-based practice. You should be able to find contact info online with a search for the hospital name and the clinical department (I’m guessing Ophthalmology?). They take patient access complaints very seriously, and it sounds like your situation needs intervention from above. Good luck!
Anonymous
I would send an email but I’d also call.
Also, if it’s local, stop in to make the appointment in person.
Anon
I’d make an appointment with a new specialist now for a “second opinion” (allowed under most healthcare plans) and keep chipping away at your current office while waiting for the new specialist. Definitely escalate. Write a note to your doctor though the portal and express that the frequent cancellations are making you worried about getting essential care you need.
Anon
Shot in the dark here, but are there any fellow devotees of Clinique’s Line Smoothing Concealer who have found a dupe (whether high end or drugstore brand)? I’ve been using it happily for almost 30 years and the replacement product is terrible – papery and thin rather than creamy. Looks like Maybelline’s Age Rewind is recommended based on a quick search, but looking for other options to test out.
Digby
NYX Bare With Me concealer serum is good – doesn’t seem to settle in lines, and a little goes a long way.
anon
I haven’t used the Clinique one, but I have tried other fancy high-end concealers thinking I’d find a holy grail. I keep hating them and coming back to Maybelline Age Rewind.
Red ear
Has anyone had Red ear syndrome?
So random, I know… but this board continues to surprise me.
Anon
For you ladies with pitted skin and visible pores, are you able to wear foundation, powder, and makeup? I just feel like if I had better skin, it would go on better (but if I had better skin, I wouldn’t need foundation). Stuff goes on, but settles. The effect is like ostrich leather — highlighting the pores and icepick scars.
Anon
For me, I attacked the pores with prescription retinoid. I am considering doing more aggressive derm treatments.
My sunblock actually smooths out the pores a little. Almost like a mini-primer.
I avoid heavy make-up, which doesn’t last all day (I have long work days), and only looks worse with time/settling. When I really want a clean look for a special occasion, I use a primer and a BB cream.
Anon
I wonder if the current trend of glowy faces is working against you. Just as a glossy paint on a wall will highlight imperfections, face products designed to reflect light and glow seem likely to highlight skin imperfections that have some dimension to them – i.e. deep scarring vs discoloration spot. Skincare and face makeup that aims for a matte finish is a bit of a unicorn at the moment, but it can be found. Perhaps you could try mattifying products, all the way from toner out to foundation and see if that works better. I would stick with a lighter foundation, too.
Anon
+1 I have acne scars (+ non- acne scars that look like acne scars) and anything shiny is not for me.
Have you tried a pore smoothing primer under your matte foundation? Also, don’t use too much of either product.
Anon
I have found primers that the oil in my skin promptly melts through and anything mattifying tends to also clog my pores and result in breakouts. I am naturally shiny, so on-trend at least. But I am feeling that makeup is now only for people with A+ skin and not for me, who needs some retouching.
Anon
Try Bobbi Brown Skin Longwear foundation. Apply sparingly. I wear over their vitamin face cream (also sparingly) and it doesn’t settle into my pores.
Brands that DID settle into my pores, even when used with their recommended primer: IT cosmetics, Bare Minerals, Estée Lauder, Clinique, MAC, and Lancôme.
Anon
I have similar issues and have not found a foundation that works. I also have redness issues. I use Dr. Jart Tiger Grass Color Correcting Treatment, which evens out my skin tone nicely without emphasizing the imperfections. I also use Erborian BB Cream when I want a higher level of coverage. Not sure if either will work for you but I have been using both for several years. Each is used over moisturizer and primer.
Anon
The Dr Jart Premium BB cream is also very good and can be set with a tiny bit of translucent powder (tiny!) to reduce the shine.
Setting sprays are basically useless for this. I don’t know why the beauty industry has decided no one wants powder anymore.
Anon
Try going back to Bare Minerals with their base powder foundation and their setting powder? It used to work well for me.
Anonymous
Where should DH and I go for our 40th birthdays next year? No kids yet but TTC. We’ll probably start IVF earlyish next year. I’d like to do a bucket list trip. Most things on my wishlist are not pregnancy friendly: wine tour of Tuscany, Oktoberfest, hiking to Machu Picchu or in Patagonia, diving the Great Barrier Reef or Belize, safari in Kenya, Nile river cruise, Antarctica. If we go early in the year we could do this type of trip, but I’m not sure the weather in March/April is great for any of these? If we go later in the year then it would have to be pregnancy friendly, preferably somewhere out of the country with accessible healthcare but not the UK, Paris, Portugal, Iceland, Scandinavia, Amsterdam, Greece, Pacific islands, Hong Kong – one or both of us has spent enough time in these places that it wouldn’t feel like a wishlist trip. Ideas welcome!
Anon
I’m a big fan of having a party. I think you can always go on a trip, you don’t need an excuse to do that. But people will turn up for a milestone party and it’s a great way to get your favorite people together.
Anonanon
actually March is ideal for Patagonia. highly recommend! You can easily combine Patagonia and Macchu Picchu in one 10 day or so trip
Anonanon
eta: EARLY March for Patagonia
Anon
A safari is a once in a lifetime trip. I have traveled a decent amount, including the Galapagos and the Amazon and wine tours in Tuscany, and my trip to South Africa was truly life-changing. I think April would actually be a decent time to go.
anon
I would not do a safari while trying to get pregnant. I’ve had colleagues get African tick bite fever by just standing under a tree at the hotel as opposed to going into the bush. It was apparently awful and, apart from that, is known to cause spontaneous miscarriages.
Anon above
Sorry but that’s kind of ridiculous. I just googled African tick bite fever (as I’ve never heard of it and my husband and I both separately met with travel doctors before our trip…) and the incidence is “close to 200” for international travelers over the past 35 years. In 2021 alone almost 700 people across the EU died in train crashes, but no one is saying don’t go to Europe. I wouldn’t travel to South Africa *while* pregnant but it sounds like this is a trip they want to take before actively trying (which is what my husband and I did in January, I am currently 16 weeks pregnant).
Anon
I did a safari in South Africa for my honeymoon in April several years ago – it was amazing. Highly recommend.
Anonymous
Antarctica or Great Barrier Reef – both of these are changing quickly due to climate change and involve long flights that are hard with kids.
Tuscany is easy with young kids and Belize and safaris are pretty great with kids especially once they are elementary age.
Anon
+1 on Tuscany being pretty easy with kids, even little ones. I have a 5 year old and Tuscany has probably been our favorite family trip so far.
I definitely think safari is doable with elementary age kids, or at least I hope so since we’re going in a couple years, but just wanted to point out that the flights to South Africa are LONG (~15 hours from the US east coast), which is as long as getting to Australia from the west coast, and a longer flight than Argentina where you catch Antractica cruises. So I wouldn’t necessarily put African safari in the easy travel column.
Anon
Hi–you didn’t ask this, but I started IVF when I was 41, and I really wish I had started it when I was 40 instead. Unless you are waiting for insurance reasons, please factor my experience in.
I hope you have a fabulous trip. Infertility is a b*tch.
Anonymous
This. There was a post on the moms site the other day about wishing their doctor had been upfront with them about the odds. If you have infertility issues, even 6 months can make a difference. Plan your travel but don’t wait to start treatments.
anon
+1, I can’t advise at all on trip locations, but would suggest that if you already know you’re going to do IVF – just do it now. Having done IVF at 40+ (and also frozen my eggs in my mid-30s), the drop off was quite dramatic (in terms of quantity, fertilization rate, embryos that successfully reached Day 5, etc.). YMMV of course.
TelcoLadyJD
100% agree. Time is of the essence – don’t wait. Do the IVF cycle(s), bank the embryo(s), and then do any trip you want.
Anon
You should plan whatever trip you want to plan, and not plan around the trip being “pregnancy friendly.” And I would say that to a woman of any age, going through IVF. IVF does not work for everyone and it may take many more cycles than you’re currently anticipating for you to get pregnant. Especially – sorry to say this – because of your age. Having been through fertility treatment myself, I can say that I regret we did not do more and go more places while I was just waiting, waiting, waiting for those two lines on the stick. I – and our reproductive endocrinologist – thought I’d be pregnant within a few months of starting treatment; it took us two years to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I wish I had not wasted time saying “well, but I’ll be pregnant then!” and putting off plans for two years and just lived life. Get travel insurance or book refundable tickets, if you have to.
Anon
Exactly this, especially the travel insurance part.
Anonymous
Plan the trip assuming you won’t be pregnant. Get full travel insurance. Start IVF ASAP.
I’m turning 40 this year too, but we are done having kids. I’m daydreaming of a kid free bucket list type trip but it ain’t happening.
Anon
you can go on a safari somewhere in Africa just about any time of year, but the country you will want to visit will vary depending on time of year. we went for our honeymoon. it’s incredible. but also, if you want kids, i’d start now. for me traveling internationally during pregnancy would’ve been awful. i spent the first ~16 weeks super nauseous/vomiting and I would not have wanted to travel internationally (or honestly even that far domestically) once at the point of viability. you could also have a high risk pregnancy and be advised not to travel at all.
Anon
My bucket list is similar. You can do Antarctica in January/February, possibly March. Tuscany should have nice weather in March and especially April (we went in late March 2022 and it was beyond lovely). I think Belize, Patagonia and Australia would also have good weather that time of year. I don’t think Peru is really safe to visit right now, pregnant or not.
For more exciting trips that are pregnancy friendly, what about Turkey or Singapore? Or French Polynesia or the Maldives? I’m not sure about diving while pregnant, but there is fantastic snorkeling in both of those places so I don’t think you really need to dive. Or a Galapagos cruise?
Anon
Why are you waiting to start IVF?
Runcible Spoon
Consider Thailand! Excellent (and inexpensive) medical facilities, especially in the bigger cities, just in case. Enjoy!
Anonymous
No travel recap but please consider urgently starting IVF now and not wait a year. You are already pushing it at 40 and fertility drop off at 40 is really precipitous.
Anonymous
Has anyone done the Marie Antoinette breakfast tour at Versailles? I’ve been to the palace many times trying to decide if this is a fun upgrade.
Anon
I’ve done a skip the line breakfast that wasn’t called that. Basically my ticket had me entering through the restaurant rather than the regular line, for breakfast before entering the palace. But it wasn’t a guided tour. And actually the restaurant let me defer the breakfast and come back for a late lunch.
I very much recommend anything that lets you skip the line!
Anon
They don’t behead you at the end, do they? Asking for a friend.
Anon
Only if you smoke.
Anonymous
Hahahahha not in France they dont
Anon
I thought smoking rates were still pretty high in most of Europe?
Anon
No but they let you have cake.
Runcible Spoon
I think this comment wins the day!
lifer
How did you decide on your exterior house colors? Was there a website/app/pain company that had a really good interface for helping you image how different colors might work?
I have a 2 story 100 year old house in a suburb with small lots, and lots of trees/green gardens surrounding it. Stucco house, natural wood trim/windows/doors. I want warm/natural colors that blend into the surrounding trees/gardens. Not a fan of all the cool color grey houses or bright colors that some people use (this isn’t Florida or San Francisco). And white/off whites look so dirty so fast….
I am actually thinking ?browns/ for the wood trim/porch (leave beautiful old doors natural wood as is). But stucco…. Something in the light coffee or ?hint of a green or taupe….?
The problem is the new roof is energy efficient singles that are a light greyish color and the steps are cement grey. I either ignore them, or somehow try to integrate them by ?making the house colors more taupe-y?
I feel like if I find the right colors it could be great. But the wrong colors….
Anon
Go to Maria Killam’s website about picking good colors for a house. This is like all she does and her blog is great.
lifer
Thanks. This is a great idea.
Anon
Look around your neighborhood for inspiration, I’m sure someone has great colors that work where you are.
lifer
Yes, I have been trying this. Unfortunately all the “house” colors I like have corresponding brown roofs. Everyone with a light/grey roof goes cool colors or less ideal colors (to my taste). But I really do need to walk around more neighborhoods…. somewhere…. I hope to find it!
Anon
I have a bit of this problem, but with red brick. I choose colors/shades that pick up the grout, so a sort of greenish/grey for trim rather than “house flipper grey” or stark white, both of which make the brick look garish.
Chl
There are designers in my town that will help you with that. Also I have asked chatgpt to suggest paint/tile/countertop combinations that go with my house style and it did a decent job. The way I actually chose my paint colors was finding a house in my town that I loved and stalking Facebook to find someone that knew the owner so I could ask them!
lifer
Interesting. Maybe I need to splurge for a design consult. Thanks
Anon
I paid for a color consult and it was totally worth it. Painting the house was expensive, not something we could do over, and I wasn’t confident that I could get it right. Our consultant came up with a color scheme I love and wouldn’t have come to on my own.
Anon
How did you find your consultant? That seems like a pretty niche thing. Pricey?
Anon
I’ve always liked blue houses and that goes well with the gray. I live in a neighborhood where all the houses are shades of HOA mandated brown and I hate it.
lifer
Yeah, I just utterly hate blue houses in my neighborhood. I really want it to house to blend with the environment of natural browns/greens of the trees/bushes/plants. Nothing to grab the eye, but instead to see the whole house+gardens as one.
I am spending a lot of time on the gardens!
But I totally hear you how it goes with the grey roof… ugh the roof….
Anonymous
What about green for the house? Evergreen Fog, Artichoke, or Livable Green are all greens that would work with the grey and the brown. I also highly recommend starting to paint giant swatches on your house right next to the trim so that you can get a sense for what actually works. It’s amazing to see how small changes make huge impact.
Anon
Now that is interesting…. can you actually get tiny sample amounts of paint to try this instead of having to buy a bunch of different whole ?cans/gallons/whatever?
Anon
My uncle’s house is 100 years old 2.5 story house with white stucco, a stucco and brick front porch and a brick chimney. It’d always (he bought it from the original owners who confirmed this) had a brown shingle roof with brown trim. I think it looks very good.
Anon
Honestly, check out the s!tes for the big paint companies (Sherwin Williams, Benjamin Moore, etc). They’ll have lots of different color schemes.
No Problem
What about a pale yellow, with dark brown for the trim? The yellow would go with the gray shingles and cement.
Anon
Interesting, but a bit too stark/bright/contrasting…. I think I need something a little warmer/darker. But thanks for brainstorming. I did think mustardy at one point.
Anon
Consider green:
https://thestuccoguy.com/green-stucco-house-ideas/
Anon
Thank you so much!
Runcible Spoon
Green and brown is an awesome combination!
Laura
We used Color Buzz Design and had a great experience. We sent in pics and discussed what we were looking for, and they recommended various color combos and sent samples.
Anon
Looks great – thank you!
Is she actually knowledgeable about what brands/types of paint are best for different surfaces (eg. stucco vs. wood)?
Laura
Looks great – thank you!
Is she actually knowledgeable about what brands/types of paint are best for different surfaces (eg. stucco vs. wood)?
Anonymous
Our contractor gave us the addresses of homes featuring the colors/styles we were interested in to get an idea of how they look in real life.
Anon
Sage Green?
Old anon for this
I’m an old, but have noticed a real uptick in people here calling each other “deranged” and “unhinged.” Is this how people talk in real life to each other?
It sounds very mean. I’m not saying people can’t disagree, but the unhinged and deranged slinging of these words just sounds super nasty to me.
Anon
It IS super nasty and that’s the way they intend it to be. I don’t think they speak to people like that IRL. They save it for the anonymous void of internet forms. I think it makes them look like they lack the intelligence to come up with a real argument.
Waiting for someone to call this response unhinged…
Anon
+1, I’m 31 but really dislike this.
Anonymous
I think it’s because people call you ableist if you use crazy as a casual insult.
Anon
As someone who actually has several disabilities, including a mental health condition, I actually really resent the euphemism treadmill. I don’t think people with mental health conditions are crazy and it’s actually a great word for people or comments that aren’t related to having a mental health condition but are just… a little off. All of the other words people use are even worse, like deranged or unhinged, or like bananas, are kind of silly, and will eventually just come to mean the same thing anyway and pick up the same stigma. We need to stop stigmatizing disabilities rather than policing everyday words, though I do agree that we should avoid anything blatantly offensive. Telling people that word crazy is ableist just reinforces mental health stigma.
Anon
I completely agree.
Anon
I once saw someone called out for using ableist language for saying dumb. I’m liberal but I’m no SJW but I wish we could all agree that language evolves and crazy and dumb now have different connotations that aren’t ableist
Anon
I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s just deliberately trying to be insulting, not trying to be sensitive to people with disabilities or mental health conditions.
Anon
I despise the euphemism treadmill but do not call people “crazy.” Maybe it’s just me and like three psychologists I know, but armchair diagnosis of mental health conditions is not okay. Moreover, “crazy” is an insult masquerading as a diagnosis, so I avoid it.
It’s not hard to use less pejorative and more accurate language: “your idea is unworkable,” “your boyfriend’s behaviour is controlling,” “you are describing someone who is very erratic.”
Anon
“That’s crazy!” is not masquerading as a diagnosis.
Anon
“You’re crazy” is an insult masquerading as a diagnosis. It’s also not that hard to avoid, tbh; please consider the various options listed at the bottom of the previous comment.
Anon
I don’t think that psychologists are diagnosing anyone as crazy.
Runcible Spoon
And it’s not a diagnosis masquerading as an insult. It’s just a plain insult. Nobody is attempting to diagnose or impose a diagnosis, that’s ascribing silly motives to the making of this statement.
Anon
I’m 30 and get very fed up with how some older family members (parents, aunts, uncles in their 60s) throw around terms like stupid or moron. XYZ politician is a moron. This stupid woman at the grocery store did xyz. I hate it. It makes an innocuous comment sound vitriolic.
Anon
Why? Do you think it’s offensive to actual morons? Because that term as a scientific/medical term has fallen out of use. Now it really is mostly just politicians who are morons.
Runcible Spoon
Because it is rude and not very elucidating and quite insulting and unpleasant in conversation.
Anon
No. It’s just here. I actually do not see this in other communities of women online, including on the moms site. I don’t know why it is so prevalent here. It really stands out and I do not know anyone who speaks this way in real life.
Anonymous
Non-native speaker here, living in a non-English speaking country.
In the several decades I have been exposed to English daily, at school, uni, work, travel, reading, TV, films, internet , radio … in all of it, this forum is the only place these words are frequently used, and used in an obviously derogatory and mean manner.
Anonymous
Also old, and I have heard it in real life. It’s because society has decided it’s ‘ableist’ to use words like ‘crazy’ because ‘people with mental illness blah blah’ (yes, I got told that once) even though people with mental illnesses are not crazy…
I was even told ‘tone deaf’ was ‘ableist’ even though the term was correct in context and has nothing to do with actual deafness…
Anon
We were told we can’t say all hands meetings at work lest a colleague not have hands…
Anonymous
Ok, this is a bridge too far (can I say that? what if people don’t have bridges…)
anon
OMG, seriously?
Anon
To be fair, I’ve always thought the phrase “all hands meeting” was bizarre corporate speak, so not a huge loss
Jules
What? I assume “all hands” comes from the phrase “all hands on deck,” which refers to the people working as deckhands, not to their appendages. This is not only ridiculous but inapplicable.
Anon
Same.
anon
And often, the so-called offenses for being called “unhinged” on this site are so minor in the grand scheme of things.
Anon
Agreed. It’s actually pretty surprising how fast that insult flies over the most inconsequential posts. It makes me think that the perpetrators are lying in wait for any topic that might fit the bill.
Anon
Can I call them pathetic?
Runcible Spoon
Do you have to call others on this sight anything like this at all? Maybe use words to describe what you mean to say, instead of a shorthand term that is offensive?
Seventh Sister
I feel like people use “unhinged” quite a bit in my real-life circle, but then again I’m on a PTA board (so it applies super duper often). Seriously, no one is going to expire if the chairs aren’t turned around in a particular way…
Annon
It’s ableist to call people crazy, so everyone has jumped to non-pathological epithets.
Anonymous
Long shot, but does anyone have experience/know anything about Tarlov Cysts?
cysts
Interesting…. did they fine one incidentally when they were imaging your spine for another reason, or do they think it is causing you symptoms? Where is it?
This is the kind of thing that you could have your entire life and it never causes any problems. Most of us have “cysts” (random balls of fluid) in lots of random places in our bodies. And most of the time, they don’t bother us. They aren’t usually anything scary like cancer. But if they get bigger with time, or start pushing on something that causes you symptoms/problems, then something you think about doing something about it.
I would see a really good spine neurologist who can carefully examine you and help determine if the cyst is causing any changes that are concerning. And only see the very very best neurosurgeon (at least two) if you and your PCP/neurologists think you should do anything about it, to discuss options. And if you are having any concerning numbness/weakness of your limbs or torso/bowel or bladder changes, to let your doctor know immediately.
Anonymous
It’s actually my mom. They found one on her lower spine- not sure if it was sacral or lumbar. She’d been having back pain, which is why they did an MRI
Anon
It may have nothing to do with her pain, if the pain is focused in her actual back. It depends exactly where the cyst is, and exactly where her pain radiates.
Who ordered the MRI? Primary care? Neurologist? Neurosurgeon?
No one but a Neurologist or Neurosurgeon should be advising at this point. She needs a very careful examination and history taken by an excellent neurologist
Never, ever have surgery for any spine problem unless you have exhausted all medical options/rehab/alternative approaches and are exercising/massaging/meditating/yoga-ing/medicating and still can’t live your life. Only then go to the 3 very best neurosurgeons you can fine, after a neurologist has told you surgery is your only option, and consider it. And if they aren’t absolutely sure the cyst is causing her symptoms, it’s best to leave it be in most cases.
If your Mom is having progressive weakness/paralysis/loss of bowel and bladder function, then this is a potential emergency and you go right to the Emergency room of the best academic hospital you can find.
OP
Late, but this is incredibly helpful, thank you! It sounds like she isn’t willing to do surgery anyway at this point, as she doesn’t have any symptoms other than pain.
Sasha
In the vein of the surf retreats comment at the top of the thread, does anyone have a weekend yoga retreat they’d recommend? Open to anywhere in the continental US, though ideally East Coast or Midwest
Anon
Yes! Retreat in the Pines in Texas. I went there last fall and had such a wonderful time. The food is amazing, and the retreats are small. I attended by myself (as did several others). There were also a few women who came with friends.
Sasha
Amazing, this is exactly what I was looking for!
Why???
About 70% of my home is hardwood or tile. About 30% is rugs. Why is it then that when a dog has to vomit they always vomit on a rug and not a hard surface that would be easy to clean? And why is it always either the nicest rug, or the palest color rug? Today’s choice was the primarily ivory rug. Why?
lifer
I feel your pain.
Perhaps this is why I fear rugs. And I am only dealing with human spills and fluids.
Anonymous
I don’t know but I asked the same question last week! And same issue with dog poop. Just why?
Anon
My cats very clearly seek out the rugs and doormat to vomit on. They seem to think that that’s where they’re supposed to do it. But at least my cat got off the bed when he was about to vomit a few days ago and vomited on the floor instead!
AnoNL
Our cat also seeks a rug or a mat. Maybe it reminds them of grass/lawn and think the ‘output’ would get absorbed. Vs if they vomitted on hard-surface floors, the output would not absorb and somebody would need to clean it. They may just be polite & considerate im their own way.
Anonymous
I think this is why. Can you throw some old towels over the rugs or on the floor is doggo is looking sick?
Sybil
When I was a kid I had carpet in my room. I threw up on it so many times my parents got rid of it and got me a rug. I threw up on the rug enough that they got rid of it. Once the rug was gone and I had hardwood floors, I never threw up on the floor again.
Anon
I think my dog does this to reduce it splashing up on his paws. kidding, I think. I gave up and bought a rug shampooer.
Anon
Our cat was always really careful to avoid the rugs. I think they get their own ideas in their heads about where they’re “supposed” to go.
OP
I used to have a very smart little poodle mix and bless her heart if she had an accident, she went into the guest bathroom to do it.
KS IT Chick
We had the same question about our cat. The vet explained that animals don’t like splash-backs from their yark anymore than we do. Hard surfaces create splashes. Soft surfaces soak it up.
Anon
We have guessed that it is the surface in the house that is most similar to grass, where the dog goes when outside…
Anon
we are finally getting a dining room table, can anyone recommend wear to purchase a machine washable tablecloth
Sunflower
Williams Sonoma. “Machine washable” is one of the filters for tablecloths.
Anonymous
I’ve gotten some great ones at TJ Maxx/Home Goods. I think a lot end up there from department stores. I really like the no-iron ones. They still need some ironing, but more touch ups than a whole job.
No Problem
…anywhere they sell cloth tablecloths? Nearly all are machine washable. All the usual online outlets, Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, etc. etc.
Anon
Pottery Barn
Williams Sonoma
Ten Thousand Villages
Saffron Marigold
Runcible Spoon
Loom & Table makes custom tablecloths that are washable. Pricey, but they will produce the right shape, for example, oval (which is particularly difficult to find), with a uniform 6-inch overhang, if you send them measurements and so forth. Be sure also to buy a table pad (felt-ish on one side, water resistant on the other), to place on the table below the table cloth; most can be cut to fit the table top, edge to edge, with a minimum of overhang. Congratulations, and enjoy!