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Friends in my 30s
My fiancé and I just moved to a new city where we don’t know anyone. We don’t have any kids. He’s not really the “making friends” type, but I’d like to find some people I click with for the occasional dinner / chat / activity. Would going to a Young Lawyers Division happy hour of my local bar association be good for making friends? In my brain, awkward me shows up alone and everyone else already knows each other.
dogs
Same issue….it can’t hurt to go, right?
Although I feel you with the anxiety. I HATE mixers and do not understand how they lead to meaningful relationships. I can chat nicely with people, ask after their kids/work/vacations, and they become familiar faces, but it never jumps the gap to “out of work” friendships.
I’m just mystified by those who can mingle at a mixer and then it seems like 3 weeks later be having dinner with spouses.
Related: anyone tried Bumble BFF?
Anonymous
“I’m just mystified by those who can mingle at a mixer and then it seems like 3 weeks later be having dinner with spouses.”
I have always been confused by this as well. A friend from law school who seemingly knows everyone once explained it to me this way- She said, “When you meet people you think ‘We can’t do friend things until we’re friends!” When I meet people I think ‘Let’s do friend things to become friends!'” She’s the kind of person who meets someone at a mixer, they talk about movies they’re seeing, restaurants they’re into, or sports they watch, and she can follow up days later with dinner at that restaurant they talked about wanting to go to followed by a NBA game. No biggie. I’m sure there’s a number’s game element to it- I’m sure people politely decline occasionally, but she figures most people are looking to expand their social circles and make friends.
And who knows, maybe I have deeper, more meaningful relationships with the 3 people I call my very close friends, but she likely has her own 3 very close friends as well as 30+ (or even 300+?) people she can call on a Tuesday to get dinner. Also, this friend has called people she’s met once or twice on my behalf and gotten me jobs out of it, which I think is amazing (and I’m very grateful for).
A big part of this dynamic also results from the way socializing makes us feel. Meeting new people drains me of energy. I find it exhausting. I’m constantly thinking about the weird thing I said, the impression I made, whether my DVR is really going to record Real Housewives. When she meets new people it reinvigorates her. You can actually see her light up from it.
AIMS
I would add to this that while I almost never initiate, I will usually say yes to an invitation to do something (assuming my schedule allows). Many of my adult friendships have been formed this way. For everyone reluctant to make a first overture, ask yourself: if you went to this event and someone asked you to lunch after or invited you to happy hour, would you really say no?
MargaretO
I’m a super extroverted person and this is exactly how I make friends. When I meet someone new who I like I follow up with an invitation to do something fun that is related to what we talked about. I generally try to keep it pretty low key/low commitment – movie in the park, meet me at the pool, cook dinner at my place, nothing that is very expensive or takes all day. It’s definitely a numbers game and doesn’t always go anywhere, but it works and I have built up a pretty big network of casual friends this way. Everyone else feels awkward on the inside too, but if you ask lots of people will accept your invitation, and they will probably be grateful that you initiated.
af ds
I definitely do that too. I’m pretty introverted, but I invite people I met to things or purposefully include them in activities with other friends to make them into friends. Might as well skip the awkward acquaintance step
trefoil
This! I moved to a small town alone, made one good friend via awkward invitations for coffee, and when new people came in, we just included them because we knew how much it sucked to get there and have the 6+ months of awkward acquaintance.
January
And just as a tip, if super-extroverted social go-getter is not you, see if you can befriend someone who is. It’s usually pretty easy to become friends with that person’s friends.
Anonymous
I mean I think it kind of depends on your personality. I know plenty of people who have made friends through professional organization happy hours, but I never have. Even if I manage to find people to chit chat with at the event, it never progresses to a deeper level. Most people at these happy hours are trying to network and make professional connections, not looking for a BFF. I’ve had a lot more luck connecting with people at out-of-work activities, especially something where it’s a given that everyone there shares a common interest, like photography classes.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
Don’t just go to one happy hour. Go to every event. Volunteer for a committee. View “friend making” as a year long project.
Impatient
Go to a happy hour. If you hate it, don’t go back. If it seems decent, go again. That’s it. I can tell you that you’re more likely to meet new people there than staying in every night.
My now-husband (then-fiance) and I moved to a new city where we knew just a couple of people- think literally maybe two. In a year and a half, we had established a really nice friend group. Our major source of new friends was actually the Dog Park. We would go to our local dog park at about the same time every night/Saturday morning and would just chat with the other dog owners standing around. We also made friends with people we met socially who were new to the area and one of the things we would talk about it just how hard it is to make friends post-college.
Good luck! It’ll be great.
teflon
+1. I just moved to a new city, knowing one person, and the dog park has been great. It’s nice to ask people for recs around the city for dinner, vets, etc. I have scheduled puppy play dates and made plans to take our dogs hiking this weekend. My dog is less than a year old, so people always stop us on the sidewalk to say hi and pet the puppy, I’ve met plenty of neighbors this way.
Nati
Yes! I have just moved to a new city and am dogsitting for a friend right now. I can hardly BELIEVE the number of people I meet every night while I’m out for walks. Maybe I need to get my own dog? I consider myself very friendly and outgoing but dogs are the ultimate friend magnets.
(Are they boyfriend magnets too? Someone please advise) ;-)
Anonymous
They are GREAT ways to start conversations with guys, who are walking their dog.
CPA Lady
I have never made friends from networking events, even ones I’ve gone to fairly regularly. A few years ago I moved to a mid-sized city where I knew very few people and made friends by joining the Jr. League. JL is a community service organization, but it’s very heavily social. People join it because they want to make friends (and do volunteer work), unlike a networking group, where people join because they want to make business connections. It worked for me. I have 4-5 pretty close friends that I made through JL (the level of friendship where we go on weekend trips together), and a number of friendly acquaintances (folks I’d meet up with for a happy hour). I think it worked well because you see people a lot more often in JL. And after your first year you get on committees and work closely with people, so you are “forced” to spend a lot of time with a variety of people. I’ve really enjoyed it.
Senior Attorney
Similar story here. After I left my husband I joined my local Rotary Club and have made a ton of friends including one to whom I am getting married in three days! And as others have said above, part of it has been just inviting people for lunch or coffee or whatever and seeing who clicks.
Amiga
Wishing you and your groom every happiness! You so deserve it.
anon
This month is a great time to get involved with Young Lawyers because a whole new generation of new lawyers are just starting. Which means a) you will not be the only person there who knows no one, b) the more senior folks show up ready to welcome new people instead of automatically separating into their cliques, and c) most bar associations take the summer off, so people will be catching up over their summer vacations, which is a much easier conversation to squeeze into than, say, that one case they had against each other 5 years ago.
Anonymous
When I move to a new city, I find the “friends of friends”…. I ask friends who I still keep in touch with long distance if they know anyone in New City that I could meet to get the inside scoop on living in New City. Often this starts with drinks or going out for brunch etc, and through new contacts you start getting invited to things. It’s just a doorway.
Lynn
I really hate things like that for making friends. I would suggest Meetup. Pick a group based on what you like–seeing museums, hiking, whatever. It gives you something to do and something to actually talk about. Just don’t pick one that is really just about single people drinking, since that’s not really what you’re looking for.
Anon
+1 Meetup is good for this.
NY CPA
Meetup worked for me when I was living in a small city for a year and didnt know anyone. When I moved to NY, the people in the groups were not as committed. It’s a different dynamic. But if you’re not in a huge city, I’d say give it a go!
ChiLaw
I had NO luck using Meetup in Chicago — it seemed like people just used it to hang out with their existing friends? I felt like such an awkward interloper. I wonder if it would be better in the smaller city I live in now.
Bonnie
What about meetup groups? In our area, there are some catered towards couples activities.
Anon
I make friends when I move by:
-volunteering
-meet- ups especially book clubs
-joining a synagogue young adults group
-taking a multi week class like learning to knit or sew
I know lots of people have had good luck through kickball or softball groups.
Anonymous
I made some of my best friends at a bar networking event– we met, we started going to them together, then getting drinks after, and now I’m in their weddings! Granted, we were mid-to-late twenties when we met, so no spouses or kids to get in the way, but I’d still start with getting numbers to go to events together/ suggest similar events to do together.
I think there’s a huge opportunity to meet people when you first move to a city, but make a big push then– people will be really welcoming but if you wait a year, then you lose that “excuse”.
Babies
What is the appropriate response when a coworker shows you pictures of their baby? I thought that something along the lines of “Aww what a cutie!” was acceptable, but it seems that that was lacking in some way. Please help me to not be awkward. Tx.
Cat
that SHOULD be perfectly fine. but thanks to a wave of VERY obnoxious new parents at my office, I have learned that you’re supposed to compliment baby’s apparent intelligence (“wow, he looks so alert!” “he’s really focused on that toy!”), and perhaps something else specific (“ooh, I think he has your eyes!”). Sigh.
Nancy Raygun
Alert. Hahaha. The bar is so low for baby compliments, and yet we’re still expected to give them. It’s a real struggle for me not to go “Yep, looks like a fleshy potato, just like every other newborn.”
anon
HA! this. I just complimented a good friend’s 2 month old by saying she looked so alert- I have seen tons of pictures of this child (which is fine!) but I’m running out of ways to say that she’s cute. I felt so lame saying “alert,” but the last time I saw her she was 3 days old…. But hey, thanks for validating me, Cat! :D
Spirograph
I have a newborn and would be ok with this comment, but it’s definitely not for everyone!
Anonymama
There’s always the “oh, look at those tiny/chubby/cute eyes/ears/toes/fingers/curls/eyelashes/cheeks/thighs.” Basically mad libs in any body part and any sort of descriptor thereof.
Anonymous
That was perfect!
Wanderlust
Maybe I’m awkward too, but that seems like a perfect response to me…
Anonymous
That’s fine.
Impatient
I have a baby and would consider that a 100% acceptable response. I would also consider it a totally normal and appropriate level of response- like, what am I expecting, you to ask for baby’s resume?
If you want a nice follow-up question, sometimes ‘Who does baby take after- mom or dad?’ or ‘What kind of new things is baby doing?’ or adding a compliment like ‘Such inquisitive eyes!’ ‘What a sweet little smile!’ ‘Aww, such adorable little feet’ can make it seem less… generic(?) I guess.
But really, you made a normal response, the other person was the awkward party.
Lynn
Speaking as someone with kids, I would never show pictures unless someone asked. Your response is perfect and all the validation I would need. Seriously. It works for dogs, too.
AIMS
I can’t imagine how that’s lacking – I think that’s spot on.
I have a related question. What’s an appropriate response when someone says your baby looks like you? It’s weird to say “thank you” and weird to go down the “well, but also like … with the nose and…”
Anonymous
I don’t have kids, but I think “thank you” is an appropriate response.
Anonymous
My friends all respond some version of “That’s what our parents think too!” or “Really? My husband thinks he looks more like him” or “If you think he looks like me, you should see a picture of his great grandpa” or whatever.
PhilanthropyGirl
This is mostly awkward for me because my kid actually looks nothing like me. He is a carbon copy of his dad – and only people who don’t know my husband say “he looks like you.” I usually try to make a joke out of it “gosh, if you think he looks like me, you should see my husband!”
But if he did look like me, I’d probably go with the “my mom says the same thing!” or “he’s my little mini-me!”
I think thank you is weird, too.
Anonymous
You’re not awkward – the other person is being needy. They’re looking for you to say something more specific – I think they realize ‘cute baby’ is what you say to every baby picture.
Just pick one thing in the picture and say it’s cute or you love it “what a sweet smile”, “I love his little pants”, “his hair is so cute”
Baconpancakes
Ok, be honest, was the kid even remotely cute? I’ve seen some pretty fugly babies in my day.
Maybe this particular parent was more clear-eyed about their progeny’s lack of adorableness and felt awkward because they desperately wish their child was a cutie, and the words rang hollow and filled them with a deep longing for cuteness, and a deep, burning shame in not being able to create a cute kid.
Or, y’know, maybe what everyone else said.
lawsuited
If this parent is clear-eyed about their baby’s lack of cuteness, they would be the first one!
OP
Well it definitely wasn’t as cute as a puppy or kitten. It was a distinctly human looking baby.
BB
I totally know how you feel. I am not a kids person and I find puppies and kittens WAY cuter. Your response is also my go-to one though!
Anon8
Same! If you want me to gush, show me a picture of your pets.
ELaw
OK, I’m now going to say “That is a distinctly human looking baby” next time I get shown a baby picture. Because that is hilarious.
Nati
Ok, I am spitting coffee on my keyboard. Thanks for the laugh you guys!
Mariah
This entire thread made me snicker.
Senior Attorney
This entire thread made me snicker.
LostInTranslation
Yes and please if you must bring your baby to work, do not ask me to hold her. Now if you brought your puppy or kitten to work I’d be all over it though.
pugsnbourbon
Someone once told me that I hold babies like they’re bombs.
Anonymous
in response to pugsnbourbon, you are justified because that’s basically what they are. Ever heard of a poopsplosion?
I am a mom and I still don’t like holding other people’s babies. They are icky and I am afraid of breaking them.
Mariah
I mean, they can make a gigantic mess in two seconds or start screaming bloody murder, I can see why you would do that. I personally ADORE babies, but I see why other people are less-than-enthused about potentially-exploding-noise-or-vomit-machines near them.
SoCalAtty
Uh – to be fair – they ARE actually bombs…
Anonymous
Another question about making friends as an adult – I’m thinking about joining a Junior League-like organization (women only, service-oriented) in my area as a way to meet people and make friends. But I did a sorority in college and absolutely hated it, to the point that I ended up formally disaffiliating. I’m a little apprehensive that this organization is basically an adult sorority. I know the obvious answer is to check it out, and just leave it if I don’t like it, but if anyone who had a similar sorority experience can encourage me that women-only organizations can be different as an adult, I’d appreciate it. :)
Anonymous
I went to a Seven Sisters school and love women’s organizations. You just need to find your women.
jwalk
Same here! I’m a Smith College alumna, what about you?
Anonymous
Wellesley!
jwalk
Small world! Wellesley was my other choice.
ANP
Smithie here too! *fist bump*
anonjrassociate
Another Smithie! And to OP’s question, I just started Junior League (as in, have attended one event so far), and there’s a pretty high former-sorority ratio, but still, so far so good.
Anonymous
I’m you.
I’ve instead focused on joining activities/volunteering opportunities that are not women only unless they are primarily for networking, and for even those I prefer women+men. I also actively avoid groups that ring too much of racial/economic exclusivity, that reminded me of the sorority world..
anon
If you can post your city, I’m sure people can weigh in on the JL. Each chapter has a little bit different feel. I found that you can just do the civic side and not the social side if that’s what appeals to you. I liked the social side as well so I was happy to do both. I was in a sorority in college and loved it, fwiw. But JL doesn’t have recruitment and singing/clapping. Yes, the provisional year is a bit intense time-wise, but after that it gets easier
anon
I wasn’t in a sorority in college because I had no interest in partying, though now I wish I had been more open to it. PEO is a good organization. It tends to skew older than Junior League, fyi. There are generally lots of chapters in the same area that each meet at different times of the day, so if you’re meeting up with people after work then chances are most of the women are going to be professionals.
nylon girl
+1 to junior league. I met my best friend that way. Great way to meet other professional woman that I had stuff in common with. Found that quite a few of us were transplants as well.
EB0220
Curious about the answers here. I was also in a sorority in college. I didn’t hate it, but didn’t love it. As an adult, I affiliated with the local alumnae chapter of my sorority and it drove me even more insane. Maybe I just don’t have enough time because I get really antsy with stuff like this.
Quitter
I feel this way too as an adult. I liked my sorority a lot but now realize that I wasn’t busy at all other than the college activities I manufactured (sorority, campus senate, etc). Now that I have actual obligations, stuff like that makes me SUPER antsy. Why is there another meeting? Why are we having a meeting to plan the meeting? Couldn’t we have done this via email? And that’s why I quit the Junior League. I think you’re right that it might be a time issue.
anon in SV
I know women in the SF, Palo Alto, and SJ junior leagues. All cool women. From what I’ve heard, the southern ones (eg Dallas) are very sorority-like in their joining process, but the coastal ones are not.
RDC
If I may tag on another junior league question – is there an age cut off, either formally or informally? I’m intrigued by the idea and would like to make more women friends and do more community service. But I’m 34 now and probably wouldn’t be able to make the time commitment for another year or two (expecting our second kid this winter). Am I way outside the general demographics of the group, or are there other mid-30s mom-types there?
Celia
No age limit these days. Some years the Provisionals are older, some years younger. Maybe 50/50 parents. 75-25 working vs. non. My Provisional class was mostly 30-ish with a one or two women my mother’s age. Once you’re in, you can find plenty of variety. Go for it!
Care
This depends on the city, so you may want to check. My League has an age cut-off at 40, so you would be fine.
Junior League
I joined the league in my mid 30s, before kid. I now have a kid. About half of my JL friends are 30s moms and the other half are older or younger with or without kids. You are actually smack-dab in the general demo of my league.
Junior League
We also have no age cut off for new members (my year had several ladies in their 40s) and a very active sustainer population from their 40s to their 70s. If you’re interested, definitely contact your local league and ask.
RDC
Thanks everyone!
Eager Beaver
Check out Rotary too!
anon2
I am soooo bad at fixing my hair (lots of it, fine, slightly wavy when air dried but generally straight), but I’m ready to put in a little more effort these days. The thing is, I’d love to try a curling iron or curlers, but I have never had success with that before, both because my hair won’t hold a curl and I am too lazy to use it. But I feel like I’ve turned a new leaf regarding spending time getting ready, and I am wondering if any of these new magic products would work.
So, two questions: Is there any way to try a product before buying it? I’m totally willing to spend a lot on a nice curling iron, but I’d like to make sure it works on my hair. Second, any recs?
Anonymous
Maybe see your hairstylist, and talk through your goals, and see what they recommend. Mine is great about recommending cheap products that do the trick, so I don’t waste much money. Also, your hairstyle/cut/hair often determine which device is best for you. For example, a curling iron is harder to use if you have a lot of layers….
Ask the stylist the best way to use the tool, best size etc…
Honestly, for something like a curling iron, you can probably try one a few times and then return it if it doesn’t work out.
I’ve found it takes quite a bit of practice to use these tools effectively.
anon
My hair is like yours. I have more luck with a flat iron than curling iron. You can sort of curl the ends under. I also burn myself less. I have no idea if there’s a way to try out tools before buying, but I’ll be following to see if others know of something.
If you’re set on curling your hair, you’ll see better results on days that you didn’t wash your hair or if you use some kind of texturizing product. Birchbox has really helped me with hair products, fwiw. Otherwise, for me at least, it’s a total waste to put all this time, money, and effort into finding the right curling iron when the curl is going to fall out in an hour.
AIMS
I just bought a straightening brush at Bed, Bath and Beyond, on impulse, and they said I could return it if it doesn’t work as promised.
lawsuited
Buy your hair tools from Sephora to try them out – they have the best return policy. I have similar hair to yours (although I’m not sure what length yours is, mine is a lob) and I use a 1 1/2 inch curling iron most mornings because it is really quick (I’d say a total of 10-12 curls around my head?) and add volume and shape to my hair without reading ringlet-y. I recommend something ceramic coated because it doesn’t fry hair the way metal does.
nutella
I was about to say- Sephora has a great return policy and they have styling products, shampoos, and styling tools. FYI, are you putting enough holding product before and after? Holding the curling iron in your hair until the outside of the lock of hair is hot, too? And then not touching it until it cools? I find those last two steps to be the most common mistakes of people who say their hair won’t hold a curl. You may need to wait over 10 seconds for all the hair to heat. And then don’t touch the curl at all until your hair has cooled. Good luck!
Bonnie
Go to an Ulta with an attached hair salon. They can probably help you find the right tools and let you try them in the store.
anon2
That’s a great idea!
Godzilla
I love hot rollers. Depending on how long you keep them in your hair, they either straighten out your hair or give them a nice curl. Super easy. I also recently got the hot brush KT recommended – I really like it! Very easy to use (as you can imagine, I have difficulty doing my hairs).
NYNY
It’s those darn short arms!
Godzilla
It’s those darn short arms!
Marissa Russell
I like the Conair Infiniti Pro Curl Secret. It’s an automatic curling iron. All you do is clamp a section your hair and it draws it up and curls it for you. No straight ends and it saves a lot of time.
Lorelai Gilmore
I have hair like yours and just bought a waving iron from Bedhead. It was only $20 and it’s really fun. I don’t think of it as particularly professional looking, but it’s fun to change things up once in a while.
anon
I also have lots of fine hair that doesn’t hold a curl well, but the Matrix Biolage Styling Thermal-active Setting Spray Medium Hold (I buy mine from amazon) makes a world of difference. I spray some through my hair once it’s already dry but before I curl it, and then brush it through to distribute it. It’s the only thing that keeps my curl from falling out instantly. Good luck.
Anonymous
Has anyone been to Havana? I’m going later this year (as part of an organized tour from the US) and would love recommendations for things to see and do, as well as any general tips for traveling in Cuba.
Anonny
Literally every Canadian and European ever has been to Havana. Its your typical island destination. Beautiful and colourful buildings, lots of rum cocktails. Nothing super extraordinary but still a really nice place. It used to be popular among Europeans and Canadians because of the no-American thing. I think the vibe will definitely be different now that its an oddity and no longer exclusive
Anonny
Also the Cuban Crocodile habitats are really cool. I liked horse back riding on the beach. Snorkeling if you’re a strong swimmer, I’d recommend eating lots of fish and fruit since neither of those are imported and as a result are very fresh
OP Cuba
I get that it is not the forbidden fruit for Canadians and Europeans that it is for Americans, but not every Canadian and European has gone. I have many Canadian and European friends who travel plenty and have never been there – not because it’s off limits, but just because they don’t have any particular interest in it. Thanks for the tips!
Anon
Not all Canadians have gone and most that have gone stick to the much sanitized “all you can drink” places. And it was popular bc it was indeed forbidden to Americans but I think the bigger draw was that it was cheap.
Cubaphile
I have been to Havana many times, including spending several months there. If you’re going as part of an organized tour, your schedule should be pretty set in stone. You will have a lovely time, but you will get a pretty sanitized version of Cuba. But if you have free time and want to get a sense for how Cubans actually live, I recommend hanging out along the Malecon in the evening; walking around Old Havana, especially if you can get away from the touristy areas; and talking to taxi drivers. Don’t expect to have good internet access. Be aware that there are two currencies, and people will try to rip you off. If you want to read more about Cuba before you go, I recommend “Cuba: What everyone needs to know.”
OP Cuba
Thanks!! Very useful info. We do have a lot of group activities on the itinerary but they told us they turn us loose around 3 pm every day, so I’m hopeful that we’ll have substantial time for exploring on our own too.
Anonny
Also be weary of the men hitting on you, they dont have good intentions.
lawsuited
As anecdata, I have 2 friends who married Cuban men who left them very shortly after obtaining their permanent residents cards in Canada. And it’s not like I have so many friends that having 2 who had this same experience is unsurprising!
Closet Redux
YIKES. this is super racist, guys.
Except
Weary =/= wary
Weary =/= leery
Weary = Tired
Anonymous
I think you mean “wary” not “weary.”
anon
I wish I had so many takers that I was weary of men hitting on me.
Lalalalola
Super lively art scene. Try to get to as many galleries as you can, if contemporary art interests you.
Older sister
Has anyone ever drifted away from someone they were close to, not because anyone did anything wrong but just because life took you in different directions?
My sister is a year younger than I am. Growing up we were inseparable. After I graduated from high school I moved across the state from our hometown to NYC. I went to college, then to law school and now I work in biglaw. I’m single and childless.
My sister planned to take a year off after high school. But she ended up meeting a guy who had just moved back to our hometown after graduating from college. They got married two years later. Now she’s a stay at home mom and they have three kids under six, and she’s pregnant again.
Our lives couldn’t be more different. It’s now 10 years since I left my hometown and I’m sad that our relationship isn’t the same. We still love each other and I know she is happy but we have nothing in common and that makes me sad sometimes.
Anonymous
I’m the older sister too, but I’m on the other side of this. I went to college and have a job I love but I also have three kids and live in a small city. My sister lives far away in a big city with a high powered career.
I really miss my sister. I feel like I’m boring her when I talk about the kids. But honestly, with three small kids I don’t get out a lot. My texts go unanswered and if she calls when it’s not a good time with the kids – I worry that she thinks I don’t want to talk to her.
No real solutions just remember that you came from the same place and were once close and keep reaching out.
Could your mom take care of the bigger kids and she could come visit you for a weekend with the baby?
Ellen
This could almost be me! I am the OLDER sister, with an education and a career as an attorney (and counselor) at law. Rosa is the younger, prettier SISTER, and she is MARRIED with 3 kid’s, and is a STAY at home MOM that excercises EVERY day, is svelte and drive’s a new INFITITY SUV! I live in the City, and she in Chapaqua. She does NOT know what race judicada is (I do) and she does NOT have to please a partner or a judge like I do. We are VERY different now, BUT I love her very much, and Ed and the Kid’s and go to Chapaqua when I can to visit the kid’s, but I also visit mom and help her cook for Dad. Dad still favor’s Rosa, but that is b/c she has a smaller tuchus then me. FOOEY! But NONE of that matters b/c we ALL LOVE each other! YAY!
So you see you CAN have very littel in common but still keep your family together. DOUBEL YAY!
Deep End
It gets better as the kids get older. My sister is older and had kids young. I’m childless in the city and work crazy hours. As her kids got into school, she got to the point that we could talk and see each other more often. Now that they are teen/pre-teens, we take girls trips regularly and I go on adventure vacations with her family each year. We don’t talk on the phone much, but we text a lot and I feel closer than ever.
PhilanthropyGirl
I think this is common both among siblings and among friends. My younger sister and I were always night-and-day different, and even now that we’re both married with kids we just don’t have a lot in common. It is sad, but we don’t live close, haven’t in nearly 15 years, and she’s a part time nurse/SAHM and I work full time. We love each other, we enjoy family time over holidays and such, but we’ll never be best friends.
I have very good friends that I was super close to, and our stories are more similar to you and your sister. We lived together, transitioned into adulthood together – and now I’m the working mom, while some are single and childless and others are SAHMs. When we are together, it’s like we were never apart. But we aren’t in touch much in between times. And it breaks my heart.
The neat thing about sisters is that they are always part of your family. There will always be shared memories and family events that will give you a bond. I try to enjoy the parts of my life that do intersect with those whose lives are so different from mine now – whether its bonding over shared memories of really terrible 80s bands, or laughing about the way grandma used to do that one thing. When we’re together I share the different parts of my life, and listen with interest to the different parts of hers. And then I go enjoy relationships with friends who have more in common with me.
Another Older Sister
How often do you talk to her? My sister and I both went to college and got married right afterwards, but she’s a SAHM who has lived all over the world with her Navy husband and had all kinds of adventures, while I’m a more stability-oriented person. She had two kids in her mid 20s. I work full time, am fairly career oriented, and had one kid in my early 30s. We have very different lives, different personalities, and live on opposite sides of the country. But we talk to each other every single day. And yeah, when we talk about what we’ve done that day, it is not the same kind of stuff, but that’s fine because we are interested in the other’s life. If she’s excited about something, I’m excited for her and vice versa. Sometimes we read the same books and talk about that. I think as long as you are open and interested, you can get back to a closer relationship if that is what you want, even though your life is not the same. I think there is a great value in being friends with people who are very different from you.
lawsuited
This has happened to me with friends, but it’s not damaged the friendship and we’ve rekindled things once we’re in the same phase of life again. You and your sister may be in the same phase of life again in the future, or your might not. But I actually think that doesn’t matter much, because it’s different with a sister. You and your sister will ALWAYS have things in common – your shared childhoods, your shared parents (I’m assuming) and the way you were raised, the town you grew up in, your nieces/nephews. Even though you and your sister are having life experiences the other has not experienced, you still know more about her than almost anyone in the world and vice versa. That’s a tie that binds. Of course, you will both need people in your support systems who can relate directly to your life experiences to offer you sound advice, etc., but that doesn’t change to fact that you and your sister are completely irreplaceable to each other.
Single Gal
I felt like this with one of my oldest friends recently. We’ve been friends for 25 years. She’s getting married shortly and I realized our lives are so different. She stayed in our hometown, pursued a very different type of career and is now getting married (and already trying for kids), whereas I moved away, am single and childless. I went to her bachelor3tte party and realized we don’t really have much in common anymore. It’s sad and disheartening (it’s a bit different when this is your sibling because you’re blood but I think long friendships from childhood are similar). But also it happens. I try to keep in touch so we know the big things in each other’s lives but it’s a bit hard to keep things the way they used to be.
I think that’s just part of life unfortunately…
Godzilla
This is making me feel terrible – my sister and I live in the same city and see each other at our parents at least twice a month and we still don’t have much in common or spend time alone together – we’re single with busy careers! I’ve been trying to text her more, like I do with close friends, so that we can continue spending “time” on each other even though we’re too busy to be physically near each other.
M.S.
I can relate. My only and only sister, who is five years younger than me, picked up and moved 3,000 miles away four years ago. We have drifted apart since then, and I have struggled with the estrangement.
I love her, but I have accepted the fact that our lives are very different and that even if I reach out, she may not put forth the same effort because she may not need me as much. She has a live-in boyfriend and I have been single for almost all of my 20s and 30s.
I have cultivated relationships with women in my home city. Most of them have become de facto sisters to me, and has helped fill that void. If you can swing it, a retreat of some sort may renew and strength your bond.
But I would encourage you to Facetime/Skype with your sister, and find something that you can share.
anon a mouse
I think you can accept that your lives are dramatically different and also support each other and stay interested in each other’s lives as they are. My sister and I are also very different and it just works out that she usually has downtime in her time zone as I drive home, so I call her 2-3x a week and we chat on my commute.
If your schedule doesn’t sync with your sister, you can still be interested in her life via text. Ask her to send pics of the kiddos. Send her a video message in the morning just saying that you’re thinking of her. If you see something that reminds you of your childhood or a memory, let her know. It doesn’t have to be complicated. She probably misses you too.
Meredith Grey
I found it immensely helpful to actually talk about my anxiety of drifting apart from my sister (younger) with her when I got anxious about it. It helped quiet a lot of my internal worrying to hear her reassure me and to talk about our sister-feelings for each other. Since we’re sisters, we never really talked about our relationship before (i.e. before that there was a lot of self-talk re: “she’s my sister, of course she loves me”). Having an outright convo that we love each other no matter what/how frequently we see each other or are in touch as a foundation has helped us get through lulls when things are busy or we’re working on different things.
Simplify
On the subject of meeting people, I am thinking of joining Rotary Club. Anyone here have experiences with it?
lawsuited
I think SA met Lovely Fiance there? So it has that to recommend it.
Lyssa
I was a member of a small chapter for a while and liked it overall (though I dropped out when I had a baby and took a job farther away, due to time constraints). The people were extremely nice and I really liked the charitable activities that were done (the push to end polio is really exciting, since they’re so close), and they were good at getting interesting speakers at meetings. The downsides were that the majority of the group was much older than me (mostly 60-ish) and that I really never had much success networking/finding new clients, though that might have just been bad luck. But I’d definitely recommend checking it out.
Senior Attorney
Yes! I met Lovely Fiance at Rotary Club, as well as a whole bunch of other wonderful friends, both couples and women. Can’t recommend it highly enough. I always say they had me at the singing — they open every meeting with a song and I love that. I love the service projects, I love the speakers, and I love the people.
It’s true that the average age is older (I’m a Baby Boomer) but oh my gosh we love having younger members and the younger members seem to enjoy the club. I definitely recommend giving it a try!
SoCalAtty
Seconded! I joined when I was just starting my career for the networking, really. My dad is also a Rotarian. I absolutely love it! The networking is great, but I have also made new friends and been able to participate in great community service programs. The average age is older like SA says, but it also depends on the club. I’ve found that to be valuable, though, because I essentially have a pool of mentors.
Nati
Anecdata, but, I think the people who join Rotary Clubs are really interesting. At least, my neighbour from childhood was and she ran the local club. Literally the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I want her to move to my new city and run our club so I can hang out with her.
anon
I joined Rotary this year and really like it. Unfortunately, my chapter doesn’t open with a song. I’m in a chapter with around 150 members. I could have joined the larger club in my metropolitan area, but thought the smaller size was a bonus. The group skews older, but all of the members have been super welcoming.
One thing to consider is if you’ll really be able to make most meetings. Different chapters meet at different times. My chapter meets once a week on Fridays during lunch, and you are absolutely expected to be at the meeting every week if possible. I really like this aspect actually. It’s fun and the speakers are great. Dues also vary among chapters. Dues in my chapter are around $300 a quarter. There’s also an expectation of a charitable contribution on top of that.
I was totally naive, but I thought joining would be as simple as submitting my name. It was actually a little more complicated than that. I had to have a sponsor, attend several meetings, get submitted for nomination, and then there was a comment period in case anyone had objections (done by email). I don’t know how much of that was unique to my chapter. Rotary also has limits on the percentage of members who can be from certain fields. For example, getting into my chapter as an attorney can be difficult because there are already so many attorneys.
Overall, it’s been a great experience so far.
Bonnie
This outfit is gorgeous. I can’t wait for the Off Saks and Rack to open this fall near my office.
Anon
Can someone advise re a legal recruiter call this afternoon? So this isn’t a recruiter for a particular firm, but rather one of those large search firms. I’ve never had a good experience with recruiters generally — in my old city (NYC) they very much gave the vibe that unless you were a top 14 law grad on law review and a 4th yr at a vault 100 firm looking to move to another vault 100 firm — they were NOT interested. They wanted easy money which was moving mid levels from one firm to the next.
So now I’m in a new city in a govt job I really don’t like. I’m not in an immediate rush to leave but would like to move on in the next yr or two IF I can find a firm that will take someone 8 yrs out of law school who isn’t a partner — so maybe a midlaw type of firm that’ll let you develop a book. No clue if this recruiter does that or not but figured a few initial recruiter calls aren’t bad to find out whether my market is dead or alive as they’re likely to be seeing hiring trends.
My question — what do I NOT want to say to this recruiter? Do I say this is a 1-2 yr plan rather than “I’ll go to any biglaw firm that’ll have me even if they lay me off in 18 months bc they just need a senior for a while but don’t want to consider me as partner (bc I am NOT leaving a govt job for that)? Do I say what monetary range I want to be in (bc I don’t know the ranges for midlaw)? Do I say my main interest is x specialized practice area though I do all sorts of commercial lit? I guess — what is it that you don’t say to a recruiter so as not to make them think “hmm — it’ll be hard to place this person bc she’s old and has a lot of preferences, let me find a 4th yr looking to leave firm no. 1 to go to identical firm no. 2 across the street.”
Anonymous
I don’t think you have anything to lose from being really honest in this initial conversation. You don’t necessarily have to give your “whys” but definitely tell her (especially in response to direct questions) what you “don’t want” including BigLaw, short term work, salaries below “x”. I think a recruiter would rather have a sense of what you want upfront, rather than start bringing you placements in areas you don’t want only to be turned down time and time again.
My only recruiter experience- I told the recruiter what I wanted, she was honest enough to say “I don’t do placement in that niche. But I have a friend who does, and I’ll tell him to contact you.” And it worked out well for all three of us. A year later I got a placement I wanted, new recruiter got the placement bonus and original recruiter got her referral bonus.
Recruiter success
I was a different (though maybe trickier: very junior contract attorney at a midsize firm from a T14 with fine grades–a genuinely bad first semester followed by strong improvement–and no law reviww) type of candidate from you and had good results being honest with recruiters. You don’t have a heck of a lot to lose, you know? I do think you’ll be well-served by the general job search advice of staying positive (tell the person what you *do* want to do rather than what you don’t), but it’s ok to be both specific about the things that are important and “I’d like to see what’s out there,” where you’re less sure (salary).
bridget
I think the concept is fine, but you just need to spruce it up a bit.
Instead of “I am not leaving my government job for that,” try “I appreciate the stability of my current role and want that in a new role, but am looking for X and Y practice areas/environment/etc instead.”
Anon
This. And speak in terms of looking for the “right opportunity, not just any opportunity” — which is exactly what you’re telling us. Recruiters will get it. They know the difference between someone who needs a new job asap for any reason and thus will consider absolutely anything vs. someone who is looking for something for the long haul and is willing to consider a bunch of stuff to get to that right one (which is where you seem to be). In fact I would clarify that so that you’re not inundated with — such and such biglaw firm is looking for a 4th yr, I know you’re an 8th yr but maybe you could take steps back (which I’ve heard a LOT from recruiters).
nutella
I have successfully worked with recruiters. I was coming from good law schools and was in the sweet spot for moving (biglaw between 2-5 years), BUT they definitely had all sorts of candidates they were placing and working with from various backgrounds and years of experience. 2016 is a lot different from whenever you likely last got calls from recruiters. I would try to find smaller shops that have been doing it for longer, those were the more successful ones for me because they had repeat relationships with firms they placed.
Anonymous
I think you can and should convey all this information but do so positively. Not all these I don’t want this I don’t like that I won’t move for this statements. I do want this. I do like that.
Anonymous
The question above made me wonder…how many people are really close to their siblings as adults? My husband and his sister don’t hate each other or anything, but they basically only interact at family gatherings once or twice a year and maybe text each other on their birthdays with well wishes. My parents have even cooler relationships with their siblings. My mom and her sister basically (cordially) went their separate ways as adults and didn’t communicate or see each other, although they’ve since gotten back in touch to deal with their elderly mother’s care, but they now seem much more like co-workers who have a great professional relationship than friends or siblings. And my dad is estranged from his sister after some family drama. It’s a small sample size to be sure, but I also don’t really have friends who have close relationships with siblings. I feel like I hear so many people say they want to have two or more kids so their kids will have built in BFFs for life, but I just don’t see any adults who have that kind of relationship with their siblings.
Godzilla
Me and my siblings all live in the same city and see each other on weekends. We definitely have each other’s backs and are all good friends with each other, with sibling annoyances thrown in. We travel together. I couldn’t imagine my life without them, honestly. Love my Godzillings <3.
Sydney Bristow
This is how my family is, except I live 3000 miles away from them. We are all really close and I even have 5 siblings. When I’m in town we hang out constantly. The ones still in my hometown get together regularly. We still vacation together about once a year or every other year. I stay in touch with them via text mostly, sometimes on the phone. The ones with kids have us all own a shared photo stream for kid pictures. One sister likes Snapchat and that’s the easiest way to stay in touch with her.
I’m also fairly close with my husband’s sister even though we live in different countries. We email each other periodically and Skype when my husband and I are visiting their parents.
All that being said, I probably keep in touch with them all less often than you might expect. Some of us connect every couple weeks and some every couple months (minus the passive photo stream updates). I’m the same way with my closest friends though too. I consider us all to be extremely close and when we do connect it is like no time has passed.
Anonymous
My brother and I have no hard feelings whatsoever and I think he’s a pretty cool dude, but we also have very little in common other than shared history (which neither of us wants to spend any time reliving). We talk on the phone when one of us specifically needs something, text about once every month or two, and see each other twice a year. I have always wanted closer family relationships, but growing up in a very business-like “we’re legally and financially committed to one another” families means we never really developed those ties and neither of us has done the work as an adult to make it happen. I do have friends with close relationships with their siblings and/or parents, but it seems like value was placed on the importance of family their entire lives and their families are generally very love-oriented and focused.
anon
I talk to my brother a little bit frequently, but you’ve described our relationship. My dad’s relationship with his siblings is similar. There are a lot of only children in my family (my mom, my husband, my MIL and now my child) so I think that affects how I view sibling relationships. I am very close with my parents, however.
Anon
I am an adult who consider her sister one of her best friends, so it does happen. But I honestly think it’s bc life worked out that way — we are both single, childless, and in our mid 30s — so we’re both lonely and I think we feel — at least we have each other while others have husbands, kids etc. But I will say it is a challenge bc we have NOTHING in common. She goes to work, comes home and then I don’t know . . . stares at the TV? I like sports, I like travel — short domestic trips, I like music. I like having friends and wish I had a few more. I would LOVE to have a buddy to do these things with and she is so uninterested/boring/disaffected/I don’t even know — that I don’t even ask anymore. It’s like it stresses her out to do anything besides go to work and come home . . . .
So if you want your kids to grow up to be BFFs, my advice — raise them so they have at least 1-2 common interests, so that even if life pulls them apart, they’ll go skiing together once a yr or to a few football games or whatever.
lawsuited
If your sister prefers to stay at home in the evenings and watch TV, consider picking a TV show that airs once a week and then make a night of it watching it together. I do this with a friend who prefers low-key hanging out and it’s actually a lot of fun!
Anon
We live in 2 different cities now — NYC and DC. So do we watch separately and discuss later? Do we watch while having the phone dialed to each other?
Anon
My husband and I are living in different cities right now (for work). We’ll both queue up the same episode of a show on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime while we Skype, and then start the episode at the same time (while we mute Skype). That way we can still see each other/each other’s reactions, and we can text about it, and then we chat afterwards. Works great for us.
lawsuited
Sorry, I assumed you lives close by seeing as you wanted to do activities with her rather than her going home after work and watching TV.
nutella
I am one, too. I’m not sure we would be super duper best friends if we met each other today (just different lives at the moment – she stays at home and has never worked beyond college internships and I went to law school and biglaw though am getting married soon), but we work hard to stay friends. We text or chat almost every day and we try to take an interest in what is going on in the other’s life. She doesn’t understand office politics but she listens. I don’t have kids but adore hers and am very close with them. I think a big part of it was that our parents drilled into us as kids (my cousins, too) that your family is #1 and always there and sort of forced us all be friends with each other. I consider myself very close to my cousins as well, despite our varying life paths now.
Meredith Grey
+1. My parents had to teach us to be friends and that, I think, is a lesson we still apply today. I don’t think my siblings and I would be as close as we are if we didn’t work at it. I don’t think anyone’s mentioned this yet, but it’s not a friendship that spontaneously happens bc we’re related/share history. But I think we work harder on staying close with each other (3 of us), than we do on our other relationships. I’d probably dump a friend who was as high maintenance as I think my relationships with my siblings are… and I”M SURE they would say the same about me.
Runner 5
I watch TV over Skype with friends fairly frequently. Watch the programme and have the Skype window both on your computer, listening to both through headphones. The headphones mean you don’t get the annoying sound of the TV show going through the mic.
Anon
I’m 36. I got married earlier this year, and my attendants were my two brothers and no one else. It was awesome and I’m so happy that, although life has taken us in different directions, we’re still close and will always have a shared past that no one else can lay claim to.
We’ll go through periods that we talk/text frequently, and periods with less communication, but we’re always there for each other.
lawsuited
I have 4 sisters and am very close to all of them. 3 of us live in the same city, with 1 living in a close-by city and 1 living a few hours away. I call or text 2 or more of them every day. I see them all many times per month for family dinners and birthdays but also to shop together, bake together, volunteer together, paint an accent wall, unpack boxes and other non-glamorous life activities. We’re not all in the same phase of life, but the law of averages means at least 2 of us are going through similar phases at the same time, and even if we’re not, there’s a wealth of experience to draw on in a group of 5 women who love each other.
Anonymous
My parents were never close with their sibs. Mom had one sister 7yrs older and lives far away, father estranged from all of his relatives for unclear reasons to this day.
Having parents like this rubs off on kids. My brothers and I all went our separate ways as adults, scattered throughout the country. Cordial, but not close, living far from each other and only talking once or twice a year at the holidays.
Remember the behavior your model for your children about how you treat your parents and sibs will transfer down generations.
In recent years, we rarely saw our parents, and my mother was quite sad about this. Then both parents developed medical problems at an early age out of the blue. Now mom has passed and we care for dad. I am closer with one brother now as we do most of the care for dad.
In contrast, my mother’s one sister had two sons. They are the closest of friends through adulthood, and all live close by. Their kids (the grandkids) are extremely close and great friends. They get together as a big family all the time, and vacation together multiple times a year. I am so, so envious of their family.
Anonymous
I absolutely agree that the behavior you model for your children gets passed down.
I live on the east coast and my siblings are on the west coast. We are very close (in large part due to commiserating about our crazy parents). Both my parents are very close with their siblings and were very close with their parents (while they were alive). I was always raised that family is the most important.
My husband on the other hand is the complete opposite. He rarely talks with his parents. His sister lives an hour away and we see her maybe 4x a year. His brother lives a few states away and has yet to acknowledge our son’s birth (now over a year old). His parents were the same way- they isolated themselves from other family and have not encouraged strong connections.
When my husband first met my family I think he was put off by our closeness but now he has embraced my siblings as his siblings. It is something I am very cognizant of in terms of how we raise our son.
SoCalAtty
As long as the sibling isn’t a total mess and a toxic influence on your family, I’d agree! In my case, my brother will never meet my child, at least until my son is over 18 and has a well developed sense of normalcy.
applemelon
I wasn’t close to my sister growing up and in early adulthood. We’re really close in age and, as children, people often thought we were twins. In retrospect, I needed some separation to form my own identity. After my mother died in our late 20s I realized that if I wanted a relationship with her I had to make it happen. I started calling her once a week. (When mom was living we saw each other only at Christmas.) Now, 10 years later, there are few people in the world who get me the way she does. We have this huge shared history of childhood and, in some ways, very similar personalities. She can push my buttons like no on else and it’s not always the easiest relationship, but I now believe that we’ll be lifelong friends.
Beth
I have a younger sister and a youngest brother. Sister is a plane trip away, rrbently narried, no kids and just really starting her first grown up job after a decade of wandering. We text a lot and are probably each other’s best friends but we are in very different life places- DH and I are mid high power careers with 3 kids with a big house in house in the burbs and a vacation home.
Brother is 28 and living at home with my parents; we see each other at holidays and text happy birthday. No bad blood but NOTHING in common these days.
KS IT Chick
My dad is very close with one of his sisters, cordial-but-not-quite-close with the second, and vaguely parental with the third (the youngest who is an example of being able to be handed every advantage in the world and managing to screw it up). My late mother was very close with her younger sister in a love/hate/take care of one another sort of way, close with one older half-sister and completely clear-eyed about and not close to another older half-sister who was a life-long alcoholic. (My mom told her nephew at his wedding that if he loved his wife, he would make sure they never lived anywhere near his mother. He agreed wholeheartedly and followed the advice.)
My brother & I live about an hour apart. I love him and even like him well enough, and we’re actually able to have conversations now, when even 5 years ago we couldn’t. We just irritate the hell out of each other, because we are such different people. He’s a conservative Christian with 3 kids and a SAH wife. I’m a very liberal apathetic non-believer with no kids and a spoiled cat. We went to rival in-state schools. About the only thing we agree on most days is the hometown baseball team (Go Royals!), except maybe our mutual hatred for our state’s governor. We both work in healthcare, so we have that in common, but even that can be a source of contention at times. He’s much closer to his wife’s sister, because the families live less than a mile apart.
Anon
My sister is my best friend and we talk on the phone and text daily and see each other every time she is in town, which is usually every other week. We are two years apart and this was a very common sibling age gap when we were in school (most of my friends also had a sibling in my sister’s grade), and almost all of my friends (both male and female) are very close with their siblings as well. My husband is 5 years older than his sister and they are friendly, but don’t have anywhere near the relationship I have with my sister (he is actually closer to my sister than his own sister). My mother was very close with her siblings, as well, so I think that was the relationship that was modeled for us.
Anon
My younger brother and I get along really well- when we’re hanging out 1 on 1. When the gigantic messy debacle that is our family gets thrown in, we revert back to teenagers (he’s only 19; I’m in my early 20s) and somewhat tolerate each other with the occasional fight thrown in for good measure.
My dad isn’t close to most of his siblings (huge family), and a few of them, he rarely talks to. Others he sees once a year or so and talks to them every few months.
My mom is very close to her just-younger sister, close to her youngest sister, and tolerates her big brother (he’s pretty continuously been the cause of my grandparents’ excessive stress for the last 10-15 years, which is probably why they aren’t very close).
Gail the Goldfish
I’ve got a twin brother. We weren’t close growing up, and we aren’t close now. It’s not that we don’t like each other, we’ve just never had much in common. We text on our birthday, we see each other at thanksgiving and christmas, but that’s about it. We’re not going to call each other just to chat (neither of us are very chatty anyway). We live in separate states.
My parents aren’t particularly close to their siblings, but they talk more often than my brother and I. My dad’s siblings live in the same town as my parents, so he sees them more frequently. He’s actually closer with my oldest cousin than any of his siblings, because oldest cousin goes on fishing trips with him.
NYNY
My sister is one of my best friends, even though she lives 3,000 miles and 3 time zones away and has a completely different life that I do. We talk at least every other week for an hour, text at least 3X/week, and facetime when we have a chance. Even though the details of our day-to-day are very different, we have similar approaches and attitudes about most things. I don’t need to have a kid to sympathize with the frustrations or celebrate the joys with her, and she doesn’t need an intense job to listen to me complain or brag.
On the other hand, my brother is geographically closer, but we see each other 3-4 times a year and mostly speak/email to set up logistics for those occasions.
Senior Attorney
I have a brother, a half-brother and half-sister. My full brother (younger) is the one who was always coddled and enabled by my parents, and he and I have zero in common. He now lives in another state and only contacts me when he wants money from my parents’ account, which I control. He and I have nothing in common and honestly if I had my way we’d have no contact at all.
I was close to my older half-brother when we were younger but he didn’t like my former husband so he basically cut me off during that marriage and I’m not really prepared to forgive that. So although he’s coming to my wedding I don’t foresee an ongoing relationship much beyond that.
I have no contact with my half sister and that’s okay with me.
My family pretty much puts the “fun” in “dysfunctional…”
MargaretO
I am very very close with my sisters and really my whole family. We are pretty scattered geographically, and we don’t necessarily talk all that often, but they are a big part of my life. My whole family is really tight knit and my adult relationship with my sisters definitely stems from that. I agree with the person above who says that if you want your kids to be close to each other you should model that relationship with your siblings now.
Edna Mazur
My husband talks to his siblings on the phone daily. I live quite a distance from my family and I text my sister most days. My brother and I are not as good at communicating, and there is no animosity, he is just really not into email/phone/text. He makes an effort with me because he can’t just stop by but it is unnatural/uncomfortable for him.
SoCalAtty
Some of you may remember my brother drama, I got great advice on here while that was going on. He never did really grow up and, after another string of “second second chances,” I’ve cut him off completely and blocked his number from my phone. He could reach out to me through other means – Facebook, email, just about anything – but has chosen not to (I blocked his number Memorial Day weekend this year).
My husband has 3 sisters, 1 he only interacts with at big family gatherings once or twice per year, one he interacts with just slightly more, and 1 we see and talk with pretty frequently. I think it just depends on who they grow into and if they are people you want to interact with.
AnonA
I was very, very close to my sisters. We live close and I saw them or talked to them at least a few times a week. But they didn’t like the way I handled my divorce (there hadn’t been any divorces in my family before mine), and they turned their backs on me. It broke my heart.
Anonymous
Oh my God. My heart breaks a little for you, too.
Now that some time has passed, do you think you can reach out to one of them again? Perhaps the younger (and less judgmental…) one….. Tell her how sad, and lonely you have been to have lost them…. when you needed them the most. Tell her that you miss her terribly. And just look at her… and see what she says?
Big hugs for you.
Anonymous
My sister is my BFF. We text, snapchat, talk almost every day about everything. We live in the same neighborhood and even though we’re really different, we also have a lot in common. She just gets me. We’ve been this way since she went to college (she’s older) and although we haven’t always been quite this close, she’s definitely one of the most important persons in my life. I really value her advice and I love spending time with her.
Fleece help?
Hive shopping help please — I need to replace a fleece jacket that is falling apart. The one I have is an old Dillards store brand that they no longer carry. The distinguishing factor is that it has a separate lining that is NOT FLEECE — I really hate the jackets that are just a single layer of fleece. It causes tons of static buildup since I wear a lot of wool in the winters.
I have looked at all the usual suspects for a replacement — REI, LLBean, Uniqlo, Macys, Patagonia — I cannot find a jacket that is fleece on the outside and not-fleece on the inside. Help?
Maddie Ross
I think that would be very hard to find, as usually even those jackets which are not fleece on the outside may be lined in fleece due to the softness and warmth. Have you tried one of the new puffy jackets that are less filled and closer to the body? (Like the Patagonia Nanopuff or North Face Thermoball?) That might be a better option – no fleece, but similar weight.
b
I agree with Maddie – I like the look of some of the streamlined “puffy” jackets. I don’t like fleece personally but own a Patagonia better sweater that I use for both casual wear/running errands and hiking/canoeing/outdoorsing. I’ve never had a problem with static when throwing it over sweaters.
Anon8
Maybe Columbia or Lands End? I have a Columbia jacket with a fleece liner that zips in. I think the inside is lined and not fleece.
CorporateInCarhartt
There is a Patagonia fleece called the Retro-X, I think, that has a kind of mesh lining, definitely not fleece. Has a slim fit. I have a black one and a cream one and love them. The one exception is that the collar / part that goes over your face if you zip it all up is fleece.
Thistle
I’m in a job where I’ve realised I will never really get any further. It doesn’t matter how far “above and beyond” I go, I’m just not getting the opportunities that much less qualified people are getting. (It’s in finance).
I’m also getting fed up training/supporting the new young things that are brought in with no professional qualifications and who are getting paid up to 20% more than me.
I’ve been looking for a new position for a while and getting nowhere. However a contract position has arisen in a very high profile company which would stretch me greatly but look great on my CV. It’s a logical step but how do I convince myself to leave a safe, permanent job I hate to go for a 10ish month contract that may or may not lead onto something else. It’s scary and I tend to be a scaredy cat.
PS. The temp job us substantially better paid. It’s the lack of permenance that worries me.
Godzilla
I would be scared, too. But in a year from now, will you have regretted not taking this position? Is coming back to your existing job a possibility? Applying doesn’t mean accepting the job, does it?
Also, you’re awesome, YOU CAN DO THIS. GO KICK SOME BOOTY.
Anonymous4
Depends a bit on your life circumstances, honestly. I’m main-bread-winner, working-mom – and I’m in a similar position knowing there’s no room for advancement and really wanting out.
I looked seriously at a 1-yr contract, with option of renewal at the end of one year, and permanent offer at the end of the second year. It would have been a good job in the long run, but in the meantime the benefits were terrible and being main-bread-winner meant the financial risk wasn’t worth it.
If we were in a position where I could have financially afforded a few months off should the contract not be extended I would have jumped in a heartbeat.
If you can bear the financial weight of a possible job gap (or can prepare yourself to do so), I say go for it. Building your CV and moving on to something better is a good financial move and career move in the long run. Remind the scaredy cat part of yourself that having a stagnant career and not investing in advancing yourself can be just as detrimental in the long term. Go for it!
bridget
I think your biggest problem is explaining to future recruiters why you left permanent for temporary. *Before* you leave, have that speech down pat.
But yeah, leave. Often, getting those opportunities is what enables you to find a better, permanent job. You need to be able to talk up the big, shiny projects in interviews, and you can’t do that right now.
fdajio
A while ago there was a thread either here or on askamanager about IMing friends while at work. There were a lot of comments saying “what do you have to talk about with your friends all day?”. Maybe its a generational thing (I’m 22) but stuff comes up at work that I had tangentially mentioned to a friend, I think about a conversation we had before, etc . .
Anon
Can you not wait until you get home to message them about this thing that has happened? I would just do your work.
offer letter
For the first time in a long time, I’m bursting with excitement related to employment and had to share: I’m in possession of an offer letter from a company I love!
I’ve partnered with them extensively for the past two years so I already know many of people, as well as wholeheartedly embrace the values and culture of the company. It’s a management position with a ton of upside in a fast-growing industry. I’ve been in my current role for 4 years, my job went from having a great growth path to being dead-end and at times ulcer-inducing as my broader company tried too many non-cohesive corporate strategies and allowed itself to become a victim of the brick-and-mortar retail crisis. It’s really hard to watch something you’ve poured a lot of time, effort, love and loyalty into die slowly, and I was no longer excited to get up and go to work every day. I say this because it probably took me a year too long to mobilize and let go – I can’t singlehandedly save a sinking cruise-liner – and the opportunity I was looking for was right under my nose.
I know no job or company is perfect and I’m sure this one will have it’s own set of challenges, but I feel deep down that it’s a great role for me and today I’m simply going to allow myself to be really, really excited… and get a pedicure. Send me good vibes for negotiating my compensation!
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations!
Godzilla
Thank you for all of your input re: Papa G. I’m going to follow up on a few of the ideas you’ve suggested.
Mama G does all that she can for Papa G. However, Mama G is also sick (very different illnesses) and the Godzillings are currently coordinating her care, including making appointments and attending them with her. It’s gotten to the point where Papa G needs this kind of assistance from his monster children. He won’t admit it but I think he recognizes that what he’s been doing isn’t enough.
Papa G is young, though. 61. I don’t know if a geriatrician will see him but I’ll look into it. Aaaand he’s had two heart attacks under the age of 50 (hence the rec request for cardiologist) – I would like for that to be his maximum number of heart attacks. And he definitely has changed his ways after each heart attack but there’s obviously room for improvement. He doesn’t particularly mind younger doctors; they actually tend to treat him more nicely as he tells it. And younger doctors have the latest training and research under their belts.
I really do appreciate what you’re all saying – he’s an adult and he makes his own decisions. Trust me when I say we absolutely do practice that live and let live perspective. But there are some situations that require interventions and this is one of them.
Thanks again team. Hugs and rawrs.
anon anon Armani
Sounds like you might need a G Team Coordinator. Wonder if that’s available? Someone who looks after the whole Godzilla being, not just bits and parts.
I’ve found that my internist of 20+ years just is dealing with my complaints, aches, and declining matters, not the whole person. As an example, when was the last time a CBC was run? Decades. We run it and I’ve got high readings – but for how long? So now, I have to focus upon this, rather than relying upon him to do it. I have an endocrinologist, gyn, neurologist, breast specialist (family history) and sports medicine person. Soon to add a dermatologist for spottiness that’s starting. For a while I had a thoracic oncologist (happily no CA). so I’m all carved up into professionals’ brains and only I see the whole ageing me.
Godzilla
I TOTALLY AGREE. It’s just that the US medical system is set up to carve bodies into parts and not look at the whole body interacting as one system. Which honestly, I’d like for myself, too!
rosie
Have you read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande? He talks about geriatric medicine and its approach to looking at a person’s body/life as a whole. Tough but good read.
Sarabeth
I will enthusiastically recommend a family medicine practice if you can find a good one. You will still have to see specialists for various things, but my experience with a family medicine doctor is that they really see it as their responsibility to coordinate your care. Very different approach from internal medicine.
ORD
Didn’t read the responses yesterday, but did anyone recommend the book Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande? It’s all about what you are dealing with right now, with the interesting twist that author and both his parents are doctors, and still have trouble navigating the health care system when his father becomes ill. There is also an interesting focus on children wanting to do everything possible to keep their elderly parents safe, while the parents actually want freedom and autonomy more than anything else. Consider this — I gave a copy of this book to my parents to read. They were kind of annoyed at first due to the subject matter, but once they got into it, they agreed it was good information to know.
Godzilla
Thanks for the rec, I’ll look into it.
Anonymous
I would still recommend a geriatric doc. This is the best resource for him, and is appropriate for his age and history.
Does he have any of the major medical schools in his network? They have better/bigger and established geriatric groups.
Yes, sometimes a younger doc is ok, and may have more energy/enthusiasm…. but try not to get someone too young.
You could also try calling his cardiologist’s office and asking if they have a geriatrician that they sometimes coordinate care with. Often the nurses can be trusted to recommend good docs even more than the docs.
Cardiologists for routine heart disease aren’t the greatest primary care doctors. That just isn’t their job.
But I agree finding a good primary card doctor is hard to find. They just don’t have enough time in a visit (or outside of a visit), to do everything that must be done. It is your dad’s/your responsibility to go into every visit with a list of all of his meds, details on how/if he is taking them, a list of your questions, and to walk away with a written down plan. If you need help, you need to say it.
Is your Mom buying/cooking the food? Do they need help with meals now that Mom is having a harder time? Keeping a few healthier snacks around can help..
Is he taking his medications?
Is he not smoking/drinking in excess?
If the answers to those are pretty good, I promise you he is doing better than most men his age with his list of problems. His medical problems are actually not complicated…… even for a guy of his age. Honestly, most men who make it to 60 in the US have hypertension, hyperlipidemia, a touch of diabetes, and obesity +/- heart disease. Sad, but true. They aren’t hard to treat. There are very good medicines, and good interventions. But yes… getting people to exercise and change eating habits at age 60 doesn’t go over well. Sometimes you just do the best you can with medicines, while working towards very modest gains one step at a time with behavioral changes.
Geriatric clinics may help decide if he needs things like a diabetes specialist to help keep him on track, or some mental health mood stabilizer meds that might also help his pain and attitude (and they will often prescribe), or some physical therapy.
So you’re thinking right about looking for a doctor, and realizing you may need to step in and help more. And it sounds like he may even be accepting. Remember, he is scared. You don’t need to scare him more…. you wont, actually. You are his child. He will NEVER listen to you the why you would like him to. Tell him you love him, you are worried about him, you want to help…. and leave it to the docs/nurses to cajole. For now….
Best Coast
It sounds like you need to find a practice that is set up on the family medical home system. It’s very common in the west, but I’m not sure how much it’s spread to the east. Essentially, it is a practice that is set up in a “team,” and your father would have a case coordinator, a nurse, and a GP. Care is better coordinated and he is referred to a specialist within the system, who them relays information directly to the doctor, nurse, and care coordinator during regular team meetings.
Wildkitten
Godzillings = amazing.
LadyB
Travelling abroad for the first time in a couple weeks. What do you wish you would have known before your first international trip or any other tips for an inexperienced traveler?
Anon
Not helpful for you, but a funny story –
I was 2 years old for my first international trip (Boston –> Germany). According to my parents, it took me approximately 45 minutes to figure out that, any time I was bored and wanted to get up and walk around, all I had to do was say that I had to go potty. Which I proceeded to say about every 20/30 minutes for the entire flight, and it ensured that I got to walk around to my heart’s delight.
ELaw
YMMV but:
1) Pack light. If you forget something, you can either a) do laundry or b) buy the thing you need. Unless the thing is sunscreen. Good sunscreen can be hard to find in some places. So don’t forget your sunscreen.
2) Don’t use a money belt. The number of times I’ve watched Americans struggling to get their money out of a money belt and just drawing an enormous amount of attention to themselves! People all around the world carry ordinary purses, and I always do the same when I travel.
Anonymous
I have always traveled with a cross body bag that I’ve felt was safe enough and easy to access.
Edna Mazur
I actually use both. I keep one credit card and some cash in a money belt and all the rest in a purse. That way if I got robbed or lost my purse I could at least get back to the hotel/home/whatever but for shopping and whatnot I just used a purse.
Just like in my younger clubbing days, I always kept cab fare in by bra so I could get home.
Em
+1 I did the same thing and never accessed the money belt in public, it was just a method to securely store extra cash/cards. If I didn’t anticipate needing passports when we were out, I kept those in the money belt.
Salty
And antibiotic, like neosporin! It’s not over the counter in some places.
Coach Laura
For international travel, take 1/2 of what you think you need. Carrying everything that you need for 1-3 weeks gets old very quickly as does placing heavy bags on overhead racks. I vote for a soft-sided carryon sized bag that has hide-away backpack straps, as it is better for smaller European jets and great for getting on and off the train. It looks like a suitcase if the straps are hidden. (If you’re renting a car, a wheeled carryon might be ok.) I bring a smaller bag as a carryon and then use that for a day bag but it has to be able to fit into the main bag if I’m walking with both bags. Have fun!
Anonymous
Pack, then remove 1/3 of what you’ve packed. I have never underpacked for an international trip but I overpack at least 50% of the time.
Have good shoes and, if needed, plenty of socks. Bad shoes ruin trips.
All you really need is your passport, debit card for getting local currency, and a credit card. Tell the card companies where you will be going (including layovers) and when. I use the “send a message” function in my online accounts.
Bring things that make you comfortable. I always bring slippers and a wrap. I don’t like being barefoot in hotels and many cultures have some version of “house shoes”. Slippers work for this. For some people, this is a selection of OTC meds, a travel guide, or other things.
Bring things you don’t mind losing. I rarely lose things overseas but the potential is there. It’s less stressful to not be stressing about your things.
Have a day bag like a larger purse or tote and a separate wallet for foreign cash that is easily accessible (but be aware of pickpockets). Keep only a small amount of foreign cash readily available (e.g., the cost of lunch).
Anonymous
Don’t underestimate how far a few words of the local language will get you, even if it’s just please and thank you.
Anonymous
You usually need to fill out a card on arrival listing a local address. So I always have my hotel name and address in paper (not just on my phone).
Anonymous
The hotel name is almost always good enough. I never bother to look up the address. I also have friends who backpack and frequently arrive in a new place without a hotel booked in advance and they have never run into problems.
nutella
I have run into problems with family picking me up and me not knowing their address, despite them being on the other side of the wall at the airport waiting to pick me up. This has happened to friends visiting us in the US as well. Write down your hotel name – not only for this, but so that if you are groggy and jetlagged upon arrival, you still know where you are going.
K120
Check and see if you need power adapters. Nothing worse than getting off a plane and not being able to charge a phone or computer because of different outlets.
I also like to download a copy of a subway or public transportation map to my phone. It makes it much easier to figure out the best way to get somewhere if you aren’t familiar with the city.
b
Bring clothing and shoes that can accommodate a little swelling and/or bloating. I suffer from swollen ankles from probably 50% of the flights I take longer than 5 hours, even when I take every precaution. I typically wear skinny black ponte pants on a long flight as opposed to tight, binding jeans or leggings that feel compression-y. I always bring a pair of wool socks to wear on while on the plane, and shoes that are easy to slide on and off, typically driving shoes or loafers. Walk a lot on the plane, preferably once an hour. Drink a ton of water both while on the plane and throughout your entire trip. To manage the puffy ankles, I pack a little bag of epsom salt, a few water pills, drink a ton of water and make sure to eat fresh food (try to avoid high-sodium items) the day after a long flight and it usually goes away very quickly.
ELaw
Have you ever tried compression stockings? I use them for long flights — totally gets rid of this problem. You can buy them at most pharmacies.
Brunette Elle Woods
Call your credit card companies and get a PIN number. I didn’t have one when I went to Europe and couldn’t pay for anything or take money out. Also, inform them of your travel plans so they don’t freeze your account.
Terry
Notify your credit card companies and bank before you go. And embrace the sense of disorientation and confusion. Trying to buy contact solution in a language you don’t speak is either fun or awful, depending mainly on your attitude. Have fun!
Anonymous
This is my favorite. Approach the unfamiliar with wonder and excitement and you can’t go wrong!
Salty
When you leave the place where you are staying, see if they have a business card or something in the room that has the address and phone in it so you can show a cab driver or someone for directions if you get lost navigating.
Get cash from ATMs and not currency exchange, the ATM fee is usually nothing compared to the exchange rate place.
I also kept a small journal in my bag to write down various things, recommendations of things to see, places to eat, etc. I felt inundated with this info in so many places – and foreigners kept providing more. It was nice not to have to take out (and use battery) my phone every time. I would also write what I liked (kind of a critique) so I could recommend to others later.
Scottie
As a non-North American I’d say to be aware that Europeans usually pay for small amounts in cash. Just last week I was sitting at a table beside a young American couple who caused consternation when they asked to hare under €14 on a credit card.
anonymous
What do you do to pump yourself up before a major interview or presentation? What works best?
Anon
I was hired at the same time as a counterpart– there was actually only one job posted, but they realized they needed more than one person in this role (very soup to nuts, small department, whatever needs doing). He is considerably older than I am, and was much more senior in his last role than I was in mine.
That said, it’s clear that I am leaning in harder. I’m here hours later than he is every night, and generally handling a lot more work. Not intentional, it’s just happened that way. My boss is mindful of the balance, and has shifted several projects to his plate so that I don’t lose my mind.
For the second time, he’s come to me and obliquely tried to put it back on my to-do list. It’s all framed as “how do you want to handle this? I’m happy to do it….” (followed by expectant brontosaurus face). We are both pretty conflict-averse, and honestly I am happy to just get it done. But my boss expressed frustration that he had essentially reassigned a project back to me without informing either of us. He’s “working on it too,” which means that he shows up to meetings and participates, but I do all the substantive work. This is happening again with a similar project — my boss emailed him, asking him to get it done this week, and his response was to set up a meeting with me and ask how I wanted to handle it…and I’m like, I don’t know what to say here. We work closely all the time, and I don’t want to ruin a friendship or our collegiality. Nor do I want to piss my boss off (we’re pretty tight). To me it seems pretty clear– she assigned this project to you, and you’ve now assigned half of it to me again. Do I say something to my boss about it? WWYD?
nona
Stop doing the work? Decline the meeting? Tell co-worker “Oh, I don’t really think we need a meeting. My understanding is this is your project now since boss wanted to redistribute the work- you don’t really need my input on next steps.”
SoCalAtty
This exactly. I was in this situation but it was my horrible boss giving me my assigned work to do plus half of hers. So I had to be a little more careful, but if we had been equal this is exactly how I would have handled it.
Anonymous
“How do you want to handle this? I could do it?”
“Great! You do it since boss assigned it to you.”
“Let’s have a meeting to discuss how we will handle this.”
“Decline. This project is all yours handle it however you want.”
Anonymous
You need to establish that once she’s assigned something to him, he needs to speak with her to get it reassigned to you. I think you’re playing with fire in terms of your boss feeling that you are undermining her by accepting assignments that she has expressly given to someone else.
Decline meetings with him – just have a quick convo in office or short email exchange, stop staying later hours and get your work done in the time you’re now wasting meeting with him.
An
Tell him you’re busy with your projects and he will have to handle it on his own.
Em
I get being conflict adverse. If your boss is assigning these projects to him, I think that is your “out.”
“How do you want to handle this?”
“Boss indicated she was assigning that project to you. If you don’t have the capacity to handle it we can check with her and see if she wants to reallocate the work.” Then check with boss and let her confirm that he needs to do it. If he tries to assign it to you again, repeat. My guess is he isn’t going to want to be constantly going to your boss and pointing out he isn’t doing his work.
Fishie
How about this:
Boss emails him says, “Do this work”
He emails you, says, “How do you want to handle this?”
You reply, “I’m leaving it to you, but I’m happy to give you feedback if you want it and am here to bounce ideas off of.”
And yes, say something to your boss. This is really her problem, not yours. You are pulling your weight and do not manage him. She does. It’s time for a sit down with this guy to establish her expectations of him.
Also, +1,000,000 for expectant brontosaurus. That is so perfect.
Anne Elliott
Why do you accept his meeting requests to “handle work”? Just decline.
If he says he can do it, say “great” and walk off.
Anne Elliott
Oh, and if he asks you outright to do it, say that you’ll both need to get your manager’s approval.
Anonymous
I need some real talk advice.
I’m going through a divorce, and my soon to be ex is still living in the apartment. He claims to be looking for a place, and I’ve even scoured Craigslist and set up apartment viewings on his behalf. Our current situation is renting month-to-month from a family member. I’ve thought about moving out, but I’d leave my family member in the lurch and unable to pay his mortgage. Plus, I don’t want to leave.
This is making my home life very stressful. My STBE won’t come home for days at a time. I never know if he’ll be there or not. We are divorcing due to infidelity on his part, and I assume he goes to see different women when he doesn’t come back. When is at home, we are in separate bedrooms. I rarely see him because he essentially stays in his bedroom.
I’m stressed, avoiding my house, and its affecting my productivity at work. I’m now on medication because I’m anxious and have migraines and insomnia. I’ve been in therapy for over a year, which has helped me immensely. First we tried couples counseling, which my STBE wouldn’t participate in fully, so I’ve kept going alone.
Friends say I should throw his stuff on the street and change the locks. But they are biased. I just can’t see myself doing that. I’d feel like a total jerk. What you would do?
Frozen Peach
I’d give him a deadline via a polite email. Two weeks or a week, and THEN you throw his stuff on the street and change the locks. He is taking advantage of you and the collateral damage TO you is not fair. Get your sanctuary back! And after he leaves, get some sage and smudge the Sh** out of that place.
Anonymous
CHECK WITH YOUR DIVORCE ATTORNEY. My jurisdiction doesn’t allow you to put someone’s belongings out on the street.
Anon
Is he on your lease agreement (if there is one)?
anon
Have you discussed it? I assume you would discuss it before throwing his stuff on the street, but your post doesn’t mention a discussion or how it went. I’d discuss it once (“When do you think you can be out?”), provide a deadline (“How about by the end of September?”) and ask again next week (“Got a new place for the end of the month yet?”) and the week after that. And at the end of the month, if he’s still there, I’d throw his stuff on the street and change the locks.
grilledcheese
Tell him you’re changing the locks in a month. Then do it. He’ll have plenty of notice. My guess is he’ll be out of there by the end of the week.
grilledcheese
Also, stop taking care of him and take care of yourself! You deserve so much better. He’s an adult and can make his own d*** apartment viewing appointments. Just tell him the consequences if he doesn’t.
(Former) Clueless Summer
I would probably tell him to get out now. BUT, if that’s not what you want to do, I would suggest you set a reasonable deadline (October 1 comes to mind) and inform him (in writing, if that’s better, or through lawyers) that you expect him to have vacated the apartment by that date and will change the locks on that date. I’m assuming only you are on the lease? Or there is no lease and family member will back you up? If you are his landlord or family member is his landlord, there may be legal issues there…but assuming not, that’s what I would do.
Set boundaries. Enforce. Repeat.
anon in SV
What does your divorce lawyer say??
Anonymous
Yes also this most importantly.
Anon for this
+1. My dad refused to leave the family home during the entire divorce process and my mother couldn’t force him out. Speak with your lawyer.
nona
“STBE – I need you moved out by X date. I don’t care if you have anything else lined up or not – I want your stuff out. If you have not packed your stuff and moved out by then, it will be relocated to the garage (or other space) and I am rekeying the locks so your key will not work any more.” And then follow through.
It’s up to you whether the relocation of his items includes putting them in boxes. It’s a little kinder than throwing it on the street, but STBE is going to stay where they are at unless pushed out. They currently don’t have an incentive to leave.
Coach Laura
If there’s no lease (month-to-month) then you probably have the ability to make him move out without legal repercussions. Can you sign a short-term lease with your relative? That would preclude him being on the lease.
If you need an excuse and don’t mind telling a small fib, I would tell him the owner (or you) plan to sublet the spare room on October 1 and he needs to be out by then.
If there’s any chance he might become violent, please be careful and perhaps consult a domestic violence hotline.
lawsuited
In my jurisdiction, a month-to-month lease is still a lease, it’s just not a long term lease. If STBE is on the month-to-month lease, he still has the legal right to live there on a month-t0-month basis as long he pays rent and follows the other terms of the lease.
I agree with the advice above that you should give him a month’s notice that you need him to move out, but I don’t see how you can change the locks or get rid of his belongings if he refuses and has the legal right to live there.
Anon
Yes, this was my thought. I am not even a property lawyer, but I still know that landlord-tenant law in my jurisdiction has serious penalties if you evict someone without proper notice/procedures and you can (almost?) never legally “throw someone’s stuff out in the street.” Is OP even the landlord? If not, wouldn’t this essentially just be theft? Give him written notice that you want him out in one month, but if he doesn’t leave, consult an attorney.
Coach Laura
Well, given all this she should consult at least her attorney, but if a month-to-month lease is still a legal lease, then she can ask her relative to give both her and STBX notice that the month-to-month lease is terminating as of X date (giving appropriate notice for that municipality and/or the original lease if there was one) and then she can sign a new lease with the relative. That was basically my suggestion, I just didn’t list the intermediate steps.
If current lease was informal (not written) then I’d still contact her divorce attorney, then write a new lease with landlord/relative with her as the only tenant.
She should definitely make it clear to her landlord/relative that she wishes to be the only one on the lease so STBX doesn’t mess that up.
Good luck OP.
Anonymous
That is a very strange jurisdiction, then. A month-t0-month lease is typically defined as a lease that either party can decline to renew with one month’s notice. It’s not carte blanche for a tenant to stay forever at his election.
lawsuited
I mean, you may find it strange, but in Ontario there a tenant can end a month-to-month lease by giving 2 months notice to the landlord, but a landlord can only end a month-to-month lease if the tenant breaches terms of the lease, or the landlord intends to sell the property, do major repairs to the property or move into the property. I believe the policy reason is to prevent landlords from terminating tenancies as soon as they become month-to-month in order to sign a new long term lease often at a higher rent.
Wildkitten
DC is similiar to Ontario.
Anonymous
I think you need to consult your divorce lawyer and see what you can do legally. Throwing him and changing the locks may not be an option if he’s on the lease agreement. Otherwise I agree with the advice to give him a firm date by which he must be out and stick to it.
Dulcinea
Consult your divorce lawyer and specifically ask him/her what they think about having your family member terminate your STBE from the lease. If it’s month-to-month family member should be able to decide they don’t want to rent to STBE anymore just as they could with any other month to month tenant. Do not change locks/trow stuff on street without consulting your divorce lawyer.
Anonymous
I agree – I think you ARE being taken advantage of and being too nice. Like the poster above, I would give him a strict deadline (e.g. 3 weeks!) and he needs to be out by then come heck or high water. I’m very sorry you are going through this and you need to stand up for yourself and be able to move on without him being there.
Anonymous
Tell him he has one week to move out, then change the locks.
AnonA
In my state, if the divorce petition is on file, you can ask the court for temporary relief – one common request is to be awarded sole possession of the marital residence. If he won’t get out voluntarily, you should be able to ask a judge to make him get out.
Anonymous
I would take action to get him out immediately – but depending on the situation and your jurisdiction neither you nor your relative have the right to change the locks without a formal eviction order from a Court. Discuss with your divorce attorney, and possibly a landlord/tenant attorney as well before you do anything!
S-non
There was a thread yesterday where a lot of people talked about seeing or meeting up with friends after work on weekdays. What do you all do together during the week? Dinner? Exercise classes? I feel like maybe it’s a product of my city, job, and friends’ jobs, but I rarely see anyone during the week…
anon
I’m single, and I get very grumpy/sad if I don’t get social time during the work week. I do a lot of dinners. Sometimes walks, sometimes bar association/alumni events, etc. I’m lame about planning stuff like that, though, so I rely on people to invite me and make me aware of when it’s happening. I’ve got a couple girlfriends who also like to do yoga on certain days- it’s nice to be able to kill two birds with one stone, and it’s a recurring thing so no time/effort needed to plan. Obvi not everyone goes all days, but it’s not like you need a quorum to go to yoga. That’s been the best for me in terms of getting regular friend contact.
Godzilla
Weekends are family time or staying locked up at home with no contact with other beings. I exclusively see friends weeknights. Lunch, dinner, movies, exercise, or even just dessert.
Meredith Grey
lol are you me? Same.
HH party time
other than happy hour? run, hot yoga, ballgame, pedicure/manicure, other exercise class, walks, movies, dog park with a friend’s dog, fancy grocery store for drinks and then maintenance shopping together after, art museum, ice cream, pool time (esp today it’s very hawt)
ELaw
I usually meet up with friends a couple days a week during lunch to chat, and in the evenings a couple days a week to work out. Lunch sometimes feels easier to arrange.
Whole Life Challenge
At the New Year, a group of us did the Whole Life Challenge. I enjoyed the mindfulness of the challenge and have decided to do it again. The fall challenge starts next Friday. Anyone else interested? If so, I will set up a team for readers here.
Em
Possibly, what does this entail? I don’t think I was paying attention to the New Year one.
Whole Life Challenge
It is an 8-week “lifestyle challenge” that involves multiple components – sleep goals, a food plan (you choose among 3 levels), exercise goals, water intake goals, and some more general daily challenges that change each week, from meditation to journaling to creating social contacts (IIRC). There is a point system, so you track how well you met your goals each day. In theory it is a competition, but I thought of it as a personal challenge and I felt like the rest of the team treated it as such, too. There is a message board by which you can communicate with your team members about the challenge, too, which can be a nice exchange of thoughts and ideas. If you search the web for it, you will find a full description.
Anon
I already signed up solo but would love to join your team! I also did Jan, and it was a bit of a failure because of a wine-tasting trip toward the end, but…I loved the Whole Life vibe. It was much more “BE HEALTHY” than “CRASH DIET!”
SA
I did it too and appreciated you all, but I’m in such a rut now…
geneva
Anybody lived or currently lived in Geneva, Switzerland? (It’s been a source of confusion – not Geneva, IL…)
Would specifically love to hear about having small children there and even giving birth to one if anyone has experience… A lot of the posts I’m seeing on ex-pat websites are a bit dated, and don’t really discuss childcare. Husband is interviewing for a job there and I’m thrilled about the prospect of living abroad for a bit, but trying to see what the real costs would be. Thanks in advance!
Anonymous
very safe and clean. Many Swiss women are SAHM as there is three months mat leave so a tendency to leave jobs vs go back to work. Great location for travelling around Europe – you can do weekend trips to France/Italy/Austria/Germany etc.
Anonymous
adding an example of a typical childcare – this is $3000/month for full time care
http://www.scoubidou.ch/cms/?page_id=542
Anonymous
see http://www.cagi.ch/en/practical-info/family-life.php?subcat=41 for general info
Snoozy
With Geneva, living across the border in France might be a slightly cheaper option. In any case, it’s not easy to make friends with locals, and Geneva’s full of expats anyway. Lots of part-time workers or SAHM indeed.
Anonymous
What’s your favorite indulgent Starbucks drink? I normally just get iced coffee but I have a free drink reward and want to use it on something more expensive.
Mariah
Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice. It’s sweet but also got a good bit of espresso.
JayJay
I just tried the Chile Mocha, and if you like flavored drinks and Mexican chocolate, it’s fantastic.
Bonnie
I got an email about the Chile Mocha yesterday and am itching to try it.
ANP
I love the sweet cream cold brew and/or a chai latte if I’m feeling super calorie indulgent.
Marissa Russell
I like the Green Tea Frappuccino.
Lorelai Gilmore
I’m in my 30s and recently, when I wear earrings, they make my earlobes hurt – it feels like I’ve developed a sensitivity to whatever metal is in the post of these earrings. It’s not that the earrings are too heavy; it’s that the piercing feels hot to the touch and a little swollen. Any suggestions? If I wanted to try earrings with higher quality metals, what should I be looking for?
Side note: getting older is rough. I used to be able to wear cheap jewelry, stay up all night, use gobs of mascara, and eat ice cream with abandon. Now I need 8 hours of sleep, my knees creak, I have adult-onset dairy intolerance, my eyelashes fall out when I put on mascara, and apparently I can’t even wear earrings anymore. ARGHHHHH.
Ru
Gurl, gold. All the way. Not silver. Get white gold if you’re not into yellow gold. Or platinum. 14k minimum.
Lorelai Gilmore
Where should I buy? Blue Nile? I literally have never bought nice jewelry, EVER, so I have no idea what I’m doing!
mascot
I’ve had good luck with Ross Simons jewelry . Also look at the fine jewelry department of a department store. You might be able to find earrings with 14k gold posts that you can tolerate if you don’t want full on 14k gold earrings.
Anonymous
Blue Nile, sure. Amazon too.
Meredith Grey
Macy’s has sick fine jewelry discounts too
Ru
All of the above are fine sources of basic gold earrings. Even JCPenney. Just make sure to ask that the posts and settings are gold. Sometimes the cheaper stuff will have cheaper posts (silver, etc) – no bueno.
Anonymous
“adult-onset dairy intolerance” WHAAAAT I didn’t even know that was a thing! That. is. terrifying.
Lorelai Gilmore
I just made up the name, but the phenomenon is real. Turned 36, lost the ability to eat many dairy products without serious stomach discomfort or pain.
Celia
I found that anti-depressants cause lactose intolerance as well –like within the first two or three days of starting them. Yippee –no more happy pills for me!
Anon in NYC
I hear you. Happened to me. Also, wearing gold earrings (or even gold plated) seriously made wearing earrings so much better.
lawsuited
I don’t know whether this will provide comfort or false hope, but this happened to me as well and I was lactose intolerant for a little over a year, and now am able to eat dairy again without a problem. My doctor said that your body can stop producing sufficient lactase enzyme for periods of time and then kick back into gear. After this happened to me, I learned that I friend of mine goes through 6 month or so spurts of not being able to eat dairy and then being able to eat dairy again. The human body freaks me way out.
Midwest Mama
Yep. According to my dr, it’s not uncommon for adults (particularly Caucasian women) to no longer be able to tolerate dairy as they get older. Fun stuff.
Bonnie
It is so true unfortunately. Taking probiotics helps.
ELaw
Surgical steel. I have a surgical steel nose ring stud and surgical steel earrings. The nose ring I take out maybe 5 minutes at a time for occasional cleaning, but otherwise stays in 24/7. It’s not as shiny as silver, but much more comfortable.
Also: are you me? My knees creak, I can’t eat dairy anymore, eyeliner makes me blink like crazy cause it dries out my eyes, and I am non-functional without 8 hours sleep. None of which was true 10 years ago!
Wildkitten
I only very recently learned that surgical steel is not a real term – it doesn’t have a set definition.
Anon
The most common culprit is nickel, per my dermatologist. So, nickel-free is a good place to start. I have very sensitive skin, and 24-karat gold earrings are all I can handle. For me, it’s not just the posts, either – the backs (often made of cheaper metals) and the part of the earring that comes in contact with my skin has to be 24-karat gold too. Expensive ears. ;)
Since you mentioned the mascara sensitivity too . . . I also had a lot of skin sensitive come on with age. I just went through patch testing with a dermatologist. You might want to check it out online. It’s great for pinpointing exactly is causing the sensitivities. I left with a list of certain ingredients that cause me to break out, and then most helpfully a list of cosmetics and skin products that don’t contain any of them. The test itself sucked, but I love having my list of safe products to use.
Ru
Very fancy. Bonus – 24k jewelry is often WAY PRETTIER.