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(L-all)
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APC
My very small in-house legal department has hired a former intern to be our coordinator and paralegal (despite the person being a barred attorney). She does not have the skill set for this job. She uses the tactic of asking obvious questions to get around doing actual work (i.e., she waits until she has an answer before she’ll do anything – we’ll go many rounds of inane questions). She ignores direct requests. I’m not the boss but I am in a position of seniority over her but I don’t know how to get through to her. I’ve tried patience and teamwork but she takes advantage of that by asking the silly questions and ultimately making me have to do work (i.e., “can you look up these records and confirm X” – response “I’m not sure if this is right – can you check?” and then I have to confirm myself). The boss is uninterested in dealing with her. Despite being a manager, he hates managing, so he’ll put up with incompetence instead of having to actually deal with people (this isn’t the first time). How can I get her to be helpful? What can I do?
anon
“Please do (task). Please do not ask any followup questions, as this email contains all the information you will need. Please have this to me by (deadline).”
Or can you just call her out next time she asks something like “I’m not sure if this is right– can you check?” “Yes, it’s right, and when I send you a request, please assume that all the information I’ve provided is correct. I notice that you often follow up with questions and don’t complete the task until your questions are answered, and we need to reverse that. Please complete the task first.”
A bit harsh, but it sounds like nothing else works, and it’s time to be direct. You say she ignores direct requests, so I would follow up immediately with “You haven’t responded to my request. Please respond by (deadline, like an hour from now).” It’s not a first line approach, but those clearly haven’t worked.
ChiLaw
UGH this sounds like the worst.
I have had success with instituting a rule — albeit with very eager-to-help types who nonetheless needed guidance, so ymmv — along the lines of “you cannot ask me a question without providing two possible answers.” So truly nonsensical or stupid questions go away: “should I update the caption? my potential answers are yes or… oh ok I’ll do it.” And then legitimate questions are easy for you to answer: “who should I address this letter to? plaintiff or opposing counsel?” — your response is two words long.
LAnon
Yes, just to give this person the benefit of the doubt…. one of the most valuable lessons I learned in my first job is that busy, important people did not want me to ask them open-ended questions. They wanted things framed in a “yes/no” or “approve/disapprove” way. It took me a while to understand this because I thought it would be overstepping to get everything pulled together and that they would want more say in it. Learning to go to my boss and say, “I am not super familiar with a standard approach for ‘x’, so my plan is to do a, b and c; please let me know if you have concerns about that approach,” has helped me immensely in my career.
So if you’re not quite ready to give some of the more direct feedback above (which may be warranted at some point), maybe just say that in the interest of your time, questions have to be yes/no – no essay questions!
anon
+1 to everything in this post.
Same for me. It took me a long time to figure out how to deal with uncertainty, not because I couldn’t make a decision myself, but because I didn’t know how my boss wanted the decision made (ie, a JD doesn’t come with mind-reading powers), and/or I didn’t know whether I had the authority as a 1st year associate to make that decision/edit without boss’s approval. I’d be afraid of getting the answer wrong, too, if you were my boss, because you don’t sound like you’re very patient with this woman.
However, re; questions like these: can you look up these records and confirm X” – response “I’m not sure if this is right – can you check?”
A good way to frame this is that you rely on her to check the details- it’s not an efficient use of your time to check records, but she should be doing stuff like that and only then if she has a question, she should come to you. “If you see something that needs confirmation, go grab the file and confirm it. Make a note of the change and the specific document you’re relying on.” As long as she has access to the same materials as you do, this should be a simple project to fix. Thing carefully whether you’re asking her to confirm things based on information only you have access too- I’ve had a number of supervisors expect me to confirm details based on things I have no knowledge of- settlement talks I wasn’t at, conversations partner had with client, correspondence exchanged before I joined the firm/ graduated from high school (really), documents partner received on Tuesday but that haven’t left his harddrive to be filed….
Anonymous
How new is this person? I can see why you find this annoying but if she’s just a month or two into the job, I think it’s likely she’ll gain confidence and won’t ask you to check that she’s looked up records correctly after she’s done it several times. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t really get the sense from what you’ve said here that she’s unqualified to do her job, just that she doesn’t have any confidence in her work and is asking people to double-check even routine things, which is obviously untenable in the long run. I’m not saying what she’s doing is acceptable, but as someone who suffers from imposter syndrome myself, I kind of sympathize. If she’s been there more than three months, then I agree it’s a problem that needs managing, but if she’s a very new hire I’d take a wait-and-see approach.
mascot
This was my thought as well. You said she’s a barred attorney and I can’t tell from your post the significance of that fact (aside from she’s likely somewhat intelligent). Are you expecting her to take on the level of work/responsibility that an attorney would do, even though she is in a paralegal position? Is it possible that she’s really insecure about the fact that she’s not practicing law and it’s making everything worse?
APC
She’s been with us in one way or another (intern, then temp, now para/admin) for well over a year now…
She might be qualified to do the job – but if that’s the case then she chooses not to. My example when I vent to DH is that she’s the type of person that if there is a rock in the middle of a road, she will literally just stop moving instead of walking around the rock. She cannot (or, again, chooses not to) problem solve.
She 100% comes off as insecure, which is why I’ve tried patience for many months now, but I think I’m getting to the straw breaking the camel’s back point. Especially on the ridiculous questions/ignoring direct requests. I can empathize that her job is a little muddy – she was hired as a para, but wants to be an attorney here, and is technically an attorney, but I would think that would give her the type of hustle she would need to do a good job here. Instead – I just don’t know… And I feel badly thinking about being harsh to her, but patience and kindness doesn’t work.
I really like the two solution rule. I do think that would cut down on her questions… I just have to figure out how to tell her that.
Idea
Let her know that you have confidence in her decisions. I’ve been this person at work, in a lowly role with self-important (and probably actually important) people above me. She’s really not sure if she’s doing things right, she doesn’t want to mess up.
Tell her — you’re smart, you’ve been here, I trust you. I want you to solve problems, not just do tasks. I think and know that you can do this and I will help you do it if you (X) (X=come to me with two possible solutions).
She IS insecure, you ARE patient, but she needs confidence + KITA + time and that will solve everybody’s problems, hopefully.
Stormtrooper
This is really good advice, as is the two solution suggestion
Tammi
We had a useless young intern at our firm 2 years ago and no one could figure out how she got the job. After a few weeks, it became obvious she was servicing one of the senior partner. We couldn’t do a thing about it either. At least she was good at something.
ChiLaw
I like Idea’s suggestion too. When I had my first legal job with real responsibility, it took me a while to believe my boss when he told me he was outsourcing decision-making and judgment calls to me. Did he really want lowly ol’ me to decide these things? But eventually I figured out that when it was important that something be his way, he looked it over and changed what he didn’t like; when it wasn’t important to him, he let me do it my way.
He also impressed upon me (by firing my do-nothing colleague, yipes) that the only unforgivable mistake was doing nothing. If you do something and it fails, at least you know that that doesn’t work and you can try something new.
Frozen Peach
Get her a copy of How to Be Useful.
Fishie
You have to deal directly with this person in the way you want your boss to. When she asks a follow-up question say, “I expect you to know this. You are a paralegal, and I am counting on you to use your research skills to come up with an answer, rather than to come up with a guess that I have to confirm. I want you to complete the assignment and then we can talk about your results and how you got them, but I am looking to you to work independently to support the team.”
Anon
Early threadjack before I head into meetings this afternoon. My father struggles from addiction to prescription painkillers (originally prescribed after back surgery and compounded by additional knee surgeries). While he was formally a “high-functioning” addict, it has started to take a bigger toll on his health and wellbeing. He was formerly very active and outdoorsy and is now essentially sedentary from knee injuries and increased pain when he gets back out there and doesn’t pace himself. My siblings and I are trying to decide what to say or do about this; we want him to be happy and healthy and are afraid of potential overdoses, but he will definitely be defensive and embarrassed if he finds out that we are worried about him. Does anyone have any recommendations for good resources for dealing with this problem? It’s causing me a lot of anxiety to be so worried about him all the time, and it’s certainly even more stressful for his spouse (my mom). I just don’t want to take some action that makes it worse, but it’s hard to tell from the 29381081 Dr. Google articles out there what the best approach should be. Thanks in advance for any help you can provide, and sorry if I am slow to respond this afternoon with my meeting schedule.
Anonymous
What if you focused on introducing non-medicated pain management methods as a way to reduce his use of pain medication? Chair yoga, seniors yoga or massage or swimming (low joint stress) might be good options.
Also Anon
I’d suggest reading Love First by Jeff & Debra Jay. It was very enlightening and helped me and a group of my friends figure out how to most effectively talk to a friend of ours whose drinking and Rx pill use was completely out of control. This friend is about two months in to a 90 day rehab at this point and is doing well.
anon for this
Is there a pain management clinic in your dad’s area? Check out SMART recovery as an alternative to AA/NA. Have you talked to him at all about it (does he know you know–sounds like no, or at least he is in denial that you know)? You might try talking to a therapist or going to a family/friends group (one associated with SMART, AA, etc.) to get some ideas for things you can do–and as important, things you may not be able to do.
Blonde Lawyer
Is he getting these prescriptions lawfully without doctor shopping? If so, you might be confusing medical dependence with addiction. They are similar but the former is not necessarily bad. He couldn’t stop cold turkey, he would need to be weened down but it is serving a therapeutic purpose. What’s the alternative here? Either he isn’t active because of pain and sits around in pain or isn’t active because of meds but sits around not in pain. I’m not saying there isn’t a problem but just because someone needs more and more pain meds doesn’t necessarily mean there is improper prescribing going on. The body does built up a tolerance and for some conditions that’s just part of the treatment plan.
Wildkitten
And this is why opiates suck.
Anon
I’m pretty sure he is getting all the meds from one doctor, but am not positive since he’s seen a few different surgeons. He also goes to acupuncture, sometimes physical therapy, and takes herbal “tinctures” that are supposed to relieve pain. I’m not sure what the line is between addicted and dependent – he has missed work due to a fear of missing the refill call from the pharmacy, he panics if he thinks he’s running low, he will take additional Advil if needed, and also takes muscle relaxants.
My hope is that he could go to a pain management program (a big part of his problem seems to be fearing the future onset of pain, which I know they could help with), but I’m not really sure what’s best. It’s so hard when someone has real, genuine pain and you don’t want them to suffer, but opiates were never intended for long-term use/chronic pain use like this.
Thanks all!
Anonymous
But people do develop chronic, severe pain. And sometimes they need opioids.
The trick is making sure he has the correct docs helping him.
It doesn’t sound like he is an addict at all, from what you have written. He sounds debilitated by his pain, and likely depressed. Right now the restrictions on opioids are so unwieldy for people who truly need them that it is very stressful trying to make sure you don’t run out of medicine. You need a new prescription EVERY MONTH and some doctors require you to come in for an appointment. Sometimes they can only be refilled within a few days after the last one expires, so yes… you absolutely can run out of medicine if you forget and miss a refill day. And yes if you suddenly can’t get your pain medicine it can be really terrible.
It is very appropriate to combine opioids with Advil and muscle relaxants. This actually helps you avoid taking even higher doses of the stronger pain meds.
It is great he goes to acupuncture and PT. It shows he is open to exploring all options, and PT is absolutely essential with chronic pain or you lose strength and function and often pain gets worse.
If he is working with one doctor, has anyone tried going to a doctor’s appointment with him to see if the doctor seems to be doing a reasonable job? What kind of doc is he seeing? A surgeon is NOT the appropriate doctor to be managing pain long term. Is anyone going to physical therapy with him?
Pain programs can be great, but are highly variable.
He has to treat his depression/anxiety in addition to treating his pain. Fortunately, some meds for mood are also helpful for pain. Depression makes pain worse, and pain makes you more depressed. It is a vicious cycle.
My father has terrible chronic pain since almost being killed in a car accident. One thing you notice is that family/loved ones become drained, and unfortunately, can lose empathy for your loved one in pain over time. Don’t let this be you.
Offer to go to his next doctor’s appointment with him. Research Pain clinics that have a good reputation at the large medical centers, ideally affiliated with a Rehabilitation clinic/hospital, and help him set up an appointment for a second opinion. Tell him you feel terrible seeing him in so much pain and want to help. Help him do his physical therapy exercises, which are always boring and sometimes painful to do, but always better when your sweet daughter is helping you. Then put an ice pack on his sore spots when he’s done. Buy one of those great soft ice packs on Amazon that you keep in the freezer and are safe to put directly on your skin. Ask about topical pain relievers, which include topical anti-inflammatories/capsacin/opioids and more. Get him in a pool. Treat his depression, and start by simply talk ask about how this pain is affecting his “mood”.
And help him.
Anon
Thank you for all this. There are definitely some good ideas to try here.
anon
Along with the medicine dependencies, have him speak to someone about depression. Someone who was formerly very active being sidelined by knew problems sounds like a recipe for depression, and I have seen it in some of my relatives as the get older.
TK
A bit random, but maybe someone here can help …
I’ll be hosting my 9-year old niece (and her family) for a week soon. Niece has Celiac disease. Her parents have helpfully provided a grocery list of items she can eat, but are there other precautions I can put in place to keep her safe and healthy while she stays with us to avoid (or at least minimize) cross contamination?
I have separate dishes / flatware set aside and know to use special sponges when doing her dishes – but would it be worth getting a couple of cheap pots / pans for preparing her food? Anything else I can do? We will all collectively be eating gluten-free while she is here, but my kitchen is not typically set up for this.
I don’t mind putting into place anything extra that might help – cost isn’t an issue, and her parents will actually be the ones actually doing food prep and clean up for her – I just want to have everything on hand that they might need.
Poor kid.
TIA
Anon
Beware of cross-contamination in toasters or other appliances that don’t go through the dishwasher (use sticky notes if you have to to keep things straight). You shouldn’t need extra pots and pans if the ones you provide for her use are clean and not being used for gluten-containing items for the duration of her visit. If you are all eating gluten-free that week, you’ll be fine.
Anonymous
I would talk to her parents about this. They may not want it to be a bigger deal than necessary. It’s a PITA but the reality is there are a lot worse things to have to deal with in life.
My daughter has severe allergies to two common foods. One of the reasons I dread spending time with my in-laws is they make a really big deal about accommodating her and the discussion at dinner almost always revolves around what she can or cannot eat – despite my best efforts. At 6, she’s starting to be self conscious about it. We work very hard to talk about how everyone is different – some people have food allergies, some people walk with crutches, some people need glasses, some people can’t have pets because of allergies, some people need puffers for asthma etc etc.
TL; DR – just talk to the parents and don’t make a bigger deal than necessary out of accommodating
TK
This is a good point, and well taken.
My intention is to have everything in place so that we *don’t* have to have any of these discussions around her – they can just proceed with preparing her meals the same way they do every day in their own home, without having to ask, “have you cooked anything else in this?” or “who else touched this packaging?”
So I’ll confirm with parents that we’re set up as best we can to limit any ongoing discussions in front of her about her needs.
KateMiddletown
Thank you for using TL;DR correctly :)
Maddie Ross
I would ask her parents directly about what precautions/steps they would like you to take and then take those. Don’t go overboard or prepare for things without asking them. Some celiacs are much more cautious about cross-contamination then others. Some would require separate cooking vessels if you have used yours with non-gluten-free foods. Many would not and it would just be a waste of time/money/stress. It’s very sweet of you to be concerned. But I would definitely follow their lead with this and not do more than they require or request. Esp. with a 9 year old who likely feels a bit isolated with her condition anyway.
Anonymous
How sensitive to gluten is she? My cousin’s daughter is so sensitive that trace amounts – i.e. that peanut butter was previously opened and someone double dipped a knife they used to spread the peanut butter on bread – can set off a reaction where she will be violently ill for hours, even though no crumbs were visible. I assume the grocery list included brands – that is one of the hardest things I’ve noticed as it can be totally brand dependent on whether there is gluten in items you would never expect to find it in. We generally do a deep clean of the kitchen before these cousins come to visit – I have a toddler and it always amazes me how many hiding places there are for crumbs. Squeeze top mayonnaise, other condiments are always good as they are less likely to get contaminated. Also just invest in new peanut butter, butter, anything else that could have been contaminated in the past. Also think about the state of your knives, cutting boards, mixing bowls, anything else you may cook in. We generally will re-clean these before cooking for our GF family member to ensure that they haven’t accidentally been contaminated. Also – don’t forget the grill!! Check any spices you plan on using – you wouldn’t believe how many have gluten.
The fact that her parents are cooking for her will helpful – by 9 I assume she is cognizant of her food limits and will ask questions before eating anything. Our cousin is much easier to feed now that she is 13 and not 4. If you plan on eating out at all – look for restaurants that have a dedicated gluten free menu — and then call ahead to confirm that they can handle celiacs and not just a preference for GF.
Other than that – good luck!
TK
Internal bleeding and hospitalization with cross-contamination. Her family is good about having her only eat from containers that have not previously been opened, and they write her name on them so no one else uses them and washes their hands before even handling the container.
Seriously, I don’t know how they do it. They need to cook most of her food from scratch unless they can verify it is truly gluten-free. Very time consuming and expensive – but what can you do?
Anonymous
That sounds horrible. Luckily my cousin hasn’t required hospitalization the few times she has had a reaction (she and her parents are extremely vigilant) but it is still frightening and miserable. Also – horrifying in that you know some internal damage is being done even though you can’t see it.
Anon at 2:37
It seems like you are really trying to be supportive so I just wanted to add that I dreaded hearing “I don’t know how you do it”. With this kind of stuff – there isn’t a choice because it’s your kid’s health so you just have to “do it”. I found “You’re doing a great job with this” to be really supportive. Maybe that’s just me so ymmv of course.
Ally McBeal
My kid has a peanut allergy and my least favorite comment is “OMG, I could NEVER give up peanut butter! I would die before I gave up peanuts!” Um, no. You would die if you had a peanut allergy and ATE peanuts. Trust me, when your kid’s ability to breathe is dependent on giving up peanuts, it’s a pretty easy choice.
Celiac
Just for reference, anyone with diagnosed celiac disease cannot eat peanut butter that has been used with a knife on gluten containing bread. Even if there are no external symptoms, there will be gut damage.
sorry. I know most people do not know this and that’s why I just try to spread the correct info when I can. The only thing harder than having celiac is the amount of misinformation out there.
Anon for this
Right, but many choose to. That’s why asking is important. I have a family member with celiac and he has made the determination that cross-contamination of that sort isn’t worth it to him to worry about. So perhaps a lot of the misinformation is just based in part on the different levels of severity and the different reactions to handling.
Anonymous
Sorry but anyone with celiac disease is affected. If you choose to go against your doctor’s advice, that is your choice. The misinformation is that there are different levels of severity when in fact anyone with celiac disease will internally react the same.
Celiac
If she has celiac, anything that has “holes” needs to be dedicated gluten free (I.e colander, slotted spoons, etc). Cutting boards also fall into this category.
Also as stated above, anything opened (I.e butter) may have been cross contaminated. I would actually buy a sharpie or colored tape to denote things that are “gluten free” during their visit.
I would check with parents though because it depends on whether they plan to use these things.
As a celiac, thank you for being so understanding! It’s a truly hard world to navigate. Gluten is sooo widespread (most people don’t know that it is in soy sauce, it can be in salad dressings and more random places). And an incredibly small trace amount will cause intestinal damage to someone with celiac (putting them at severe risk of other autoimmune disorders as well as cancer).
Hollis
This morning’s post about the fiancé who rages and only expresses himself when drunk reminded me a lot of my ex-, who was exactly like that and was extremely controlling to boot. Ex- is now married and has kids and is seemingly happy (according to mutual friends). I’m wondering whether people like that change. Specifically, I’m wondering whether something about me brought out the anger, rage, constant disappointment in things I’ve said or done, and whether his wife is either stronger or more compliant so that he’s not like that anymore. Or should I assume that he’s exactly like that and his wife is suffering (in silence) the same way that I suffered for years, walking on eggshells, apologizing through every minor mistake, etc.? I don’t know why I even care, but it’s on my mind.
Anonymous
Omg stop. No. You didn’t make it happen. She didn’t make it stop. Why are you blaming yourself for this? Yes, people can change. Or he might not have.
Anonymous
Honestly, it could be either one. Possibly he’s not like this with his wife, and it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that his wife is stronger than you are. Some people just bring out the worst in each other. But it’s also very possible that he is exactly the same to her.
Anonymous
I think it’s a mistake to assume it relates to the romantic relationship.
My BFF’s college boyfriend was a nightmare. She was lucky to get out. He turned his life around and went to rehab for alcohol and anger in his late twenties. His Dad died of issues related to long term alcohol use (I don’t remember exactly what) and he used the money he got as a part of his inheritance to fund rehab and longer term support (sober living situation). He married someone from our larger college friends group and they seem happy.
Anonymous
It could be that she’s suffering in silence (i.e. no one knows what goes on behind closed doors), or maybe he realized how horrible his behavior was and he got therapy for it and changed. I would NOT think it had anything to do with you — peoples poor behavior is very rarely about you, and almost always about them.
Marissa Russell
Preach.
Anon
I do think some people just don’t mesh well together. My ex could just get under my skin and any time we would fight, it would just keep escalating. I have never been like that before or after him (thankfully), and I know he isn’t to blame because obviously only I am responsible for my behavior, but man!
You are definitely not to blame for his behavior. She may or may not get that same treatment. Maybe he realized he didn’t want to be that way and worked on improving himself, maybe she is suffering the same way you did. Who knows? Fortunately, you don’t have to deal with that anymore though!
ELaw
“I’m wondering whether people like that change. Specifically, I’m wondering whether something about me brought out the anger, rage, constant disappointment in things I’ve said or done,”
No.
No it didn’t.
True sometimes people bring out the worst in each other. Sometimes people get snippy and fight (verbally) because their personalities don’t mesh and they don’t make a good couple. But people don’t make each other so angry they’re violent and choose name calling instead of communicating, and they don’t make each other alcoholics.
Anon
I had an ex-boyfriend like this. He is now married and seems very happy as does his wife. I obviously don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but mutual friends (who also do not know for sure but may have a better idea) say that he really grew up, matured, and that their relationship is just more “stable” than ours was. We were very passionate, but also brought out the worst in each other and were dealing with things that we were emotionally not mature enough to handle at the time. I wish them the best, but am so glad to not be in that relationship anymore (though it took years to get to this point.)
amateur analyst
Re: People like “that”
It is NOT you — as said above, people are responsible for their own actions.
I agree that sometimes 2 people don’t mesh well.
But also — it could be something external, another environmental aspect, a difficult job, a recent passing of a friend or relative, something in the news, that triggers OR similarly helps lead a person to stability/a calm place where symptoms aren’t presenting.
It could be anything. I agree this is a pointless exercise. I’m not sure if you’re coming from a place of compassion or curiousity or what.
Cheryl
Men are complete a-holes putting us on the defensive for their shortcomings. If there were an easy way to extract their sperm, there’d be no need for them at all.
Personal brand
What’s everyone’s personal brand? I’m curious.
Hollis
What do you mean by “personal brand”?
NYNY
I don’t care what the internet says, that’s not a thing.
Meg March
My fiance and I put dinosaurs on everything. Does that count? because that’s all I got.
Anonymous
You have got to be kidding…..
GCA
Uniqlo, because all my workwear is from there ?
Not That Anne, The Other Anne
I’m particularly fond of Cheerios.
Anonymous for this
I was a bridesmaid at a wedding this weekend where the bride did not wear any makeup. She used blotting sheets for oily skin for the formal photos but that was it and she didn’t use them the rest of the time. We are both very fair with light hair but I couldn’t imagine leaving the house without makeup on. The entire time I kept thinking about the piles of makeup I’ll have on for my upcoming wedding.
Anonymous
You do You? Maybe she thinks she looks awesome without makeup. Overall this is just really catty.
Anonymous
Why so judgy? I didn’t wear any makeup at my wedding except moisturizer with SPF (it was an outdoor wedding so it was really for sun protection, not makeup). I wanted to look like myself in the photos and the few times I’ve worn makeup I feel like I didn’t really look like myself. Many of my friends who normally don’t wear much makeup wore heavy makeup for their weddings and looked beautiful. To each their own. If you really spent the “entire time” worrying about the bride’s lack of makeup and not enjoying the (presumably) great food, drink, music, and company, not to mention celebrating the friend who included you in her inner circle on one of the most important days of her life, I feel really sorry for you.
Anonymous
OP, I don’t read this as judgy at all… People are so quick to assume motive for no reason?
nutella
I don’t totally know what you are getting at here. Did you envy her? Did you think she should have worn some? You can wear as much or as little makeup as you want, just like she can. I am of the opinion you should strive to do what you want to feel comfortable and beautiful everyday, but that you should especially focus on that feeling on your wedding day. If that means fresh-faced and no makeup, so be it. If that means natural look makeup, so be it. And if that means super glam bold lips, hair, and eyes, so be it! Do what makes you feel fabulous!
Anonymous
Wow I read this completely differently, as admiring of this weekend’s bride and kinda sad about her own “need” to wear makeup.
Amanda
+1, that’s how I read it, too. Regardless, I don’t think OP should be sad about wearing make up. Most people do! I am sure her wedding was great, and that you enjoyed it, and I am also sure that your wedding will be great, and you’ll enjoy it, too!
Sydney Bristow
Some of the best wedding advice I received was to not do anything totally outside of your norm. I used it mainly when considering what type of event to have (casual-ish backyard bbq since we normally entertain with casual bbq get togethers) but it also applied to appearance. If you never wear makeup you’ll likely be uncomfortable wearing it on the big day and won’t look like yourself in pictures. And vice versa.
I rarely wear makeup, but when I do it is normally for an event and I wear minimal eye makeup and a bold lip. So that’s what I did on my wedding day. I also wore my glasses, even though it bugged my stepmom, because I wear them every day. I wanted to look like myself!
Anonymous
My parents got married almost 40 years ago and my mom still talks about how she took off her glasses in wedding photos to appease my dad’s mom and as a result she hates her wedding photos because she wears glasses every day. I’ve never seen her without glasses and she looks so strange to me in the photos because she doesn’t have them on.
Mrs. Jones
I second the advice not to do anything radically different for your wedding. I was a bridesmaid for one of my best high school friends, who is a natural beauty. She showed up at the church with so much makeup and elaborate hair-doing that I literally did not recognize her.
APC
didn’t the white dress give it away? :)
Bridesmud
Were you at the same wedding as the person from this morning? Maybe the bride didn’t want to have mud on her makeup! Geez. Or, you could be like her and wear a mud mask?
Godzilla
I hope this goes through with the commenting queue situation.
I need advice/recommendations/commiseration. Papa Godzilla is an angry narcissistic Type A monster who is a heart patient. On top of that, he, type II diabetes which should be controlled by insulin except he’s afraid of needles and they hurt so he doesn’t do that. High blood pressure, cholesterol, overweight, blah blah blah. And now he has arthritis in his knee that is being treated by a rheumatologist and his gait is so terrible now he’s gone and f9cked up his hip and back and lost a lot of muscle in his leg.
Problems: all of the above. He has an HMO. And terrible doctors willing to write all of the referrals and give him all of the meds. He doesn’t even do annual visits anymore – he just tells the doctors he won’t show up and then he’ll die if they don’t refill the dozen or so pills keeping him alive. He went to PT once and it was hard and so he thinks it’s useless and will never go back.
Potential solution: new primary care physician/cardiologist as a pcp who is patient and smart and can review his entire medical record and convince him to take preventative measures which will not always include pills. A doctor who can refer to him to other competent and patient medical professionals as required. I need everyone on this medical team capable of dealing with a narcissistic heart patient.
Where can I find such a unicorn(s)? Queens/LI recommendations preferred but I’ll drag Papa G to Manhattan or Brooklyn if I have to.
Thanks in advance.
Amanda
I don’t have these issues, but I really like One Medical as my pcp. They have an annual fee, but you can book appointments online, contact the doctors/NPs/PAs fairly easily, and they make great recommendations for specialists. I feel like with the annual fee, they provide so much better customer service and are focused on my overall health.
They have quite a few offices in Manhattan and a couple in Brooklyn – Cobble Hill and Park Slope.
Canadienne
What? This isn’t the doctors fault. I’m sure they tried the usual ‘you need to eat vegetables and exercise’ route and realized he didn’t wan to put in the work and so they just gave him the cocktail as a second rate option to keep him alive. He’s a stubborn adult there is no magical doctor who can force him to eat well and exercise.
Anonymous
This is anec-data, but I have a weight-related issue and I went to 4 doctors before I found one that didn’t suggest a prescription drug as the fix before suggesting (and supporting) weight loss. Every doctor I went to before the one I’m with now wanted to treat the symptoms with drugs rather than figure out if we could eliminate the symptoms by addressing the underlying health issue.
I’m not saying it’s always the case, or even the case in Papa Godzilla’s situation, but in my limited experience, due to limited time/energy/patience/faith in patients/insurance limitations, whatever, doctors resort to treating the symptoms of weight-related illnesses, rather than suggesting and supporting weight loss.
Anonymous
Yeah treating a non-compliant diabetic is a real challenge.
Canadienne
To add: My Nannu is a non-compliant diabetic so I know every doctor under the sun has tried to make him take care of himself. There is a point though where the doctor has heard loud and clear that he doesn’t want to do the work and they give up.
Godzilla
Trust me when I say Papa G has lazy doctors. He is also a terrible non-compliant patient. But he’s my pops and needs my help.
He’s had decades of terrible medical care and really doesn’t respect doctors. He is unfortunately victim to the terrible time crunch doctors operate under and doesn’t really get the time and attention he needs from them. If he respects the doctor/the doctor is respectful to him, it would go a LONG WAY to getting him to be more compliant.
He can’t exercise – he’s in pain. He needs help with diet. Definitely needs help with his attitude. This isn’t a simple “he f9cked up his body, walk away”. He clearly doesn’t know how to deal and hearing from his children that he’s doing things wrong is humiliating in his worldview.
Also, I’m not interested in blaming anyone and rehashing the past. I want to know what we could do (individually and as a family) in the future.
Anon
Have you thought about doing some kind of case management thing? Or maybe seeing mid-level practitioners that can spend more face time with him? (Just throwing ideas out there)
rosie
Is he at the point where maybe a geriatrician who can triage things that are going on and may have some experience speaking with older adults who have had bad medical experiences throughout their life could be helpful? Sorry, no recommendations, but that might be a search term for you?
Cornellian
I would be inclined to find a nurse practitioner or physician’s assistant willing to work with him. It sounds like his medical issues aren’t wildly complex or poorly understood, but he needs more time and patient focus. I’ve had more luck with NPs and PAs than MDs, and they have the power to prescribe and admit patients in NYS. Their training seems to focus more on holistic health, without veering in to pseudo science crap.
Anonymous
Commiseration here…
My mother takes horrible care of herself. Despite a heart attack and other health issues, she smokes. She eats like crap. She never exercises. She drinks every day. She claims she can’t afford health care/therapy/PT/anything good for her, even though she absolutely can afford it. She’ll hang her hat on one random nurse saying “your lungs sound good for someone who has smoked so long” and say she can smoke. She’ll pretend she didn’t hear the doctor say “you broke your [insert bone here] because your bones are brittle from smoking. if you quit smoking and do therapy, then your healing time will be 3 months. if you continue to smoke and not do your exercises, it will take one year.”
Honestly, I’ve finally accepted that nothing I do will help. I got her a fit bit, thinking she’d find it fun and would satisfy her need to have specific set goals, but she never opened it. I offered to pay for her PT even though she can afford it, but she wouldn’t do it. We got her a bike (before she broke multiple bones), but she only rode it a couple of times. Even though she definitely had fun with it, she just didn’t do it. I’ve sent her free group therapy information, information on various mental health groups, information on clubs/activities for people her age in our area, etc., etc. She just won’t do anything.
I’ve finally accepted it, and it’s really hurt our relationship. I’ve talked to her about how I feel. We all know she’s battling mental health demons, but she won’t do anything beyond taking an anti-depressant. I can’t force her. It took a long time for me to get to this point, but after going with her to some doctors appointments with very good doctors and seeing she actually denied hearing the things he said and refused to do what he suggested, I just decided I couldn’t take this on as my issue anymore.
so, so hard.
Godzilla
I’m afraid of this happening to me and sibs. If he eventually becomes disabled, his care would fall to us and would strain the family even more.
I’m so sorry. Hugs and rawrs.
Anon
I personally wouldn’t do One Med. I have never seen a dr. there (in DC at least) who looks like they’re over age 14. Seriously though — they’re always a few yrs out of school and it may be hard for him to take them seriously and it may be hard for them to know how to deal with a stubborn old(er) man. I feel like it is a practice that it geared towards healthy young professionals who need a quick script for a sinus infection and just want to online book an appointment for whoever can see them next.
Why not look at ZocDoc? TONS of drs. in Manhattan are on it so you can find tons of reviews for PCPs or cardiologists. It’s a robust site so you’re not looking at 1-2 reviews per doc. Sometimes you’re looking at 20-30 reviews which really set forth the doctor’s personality/style so you can find what you’re looking for re bedside manner.
Anonymous
“A few years out of med school” so – probably early 30’s adults who have had extensive training and have been working and supporting themselves for years? Certainly not 14. That’s kind of dismissive. Most primary care issues are not that complicated, and if they are, you can see a specialist.
Reader
I think her point was that cranky old man who already rejects doctors and medical advice would be MORE likely to reject advice from a younger doctor, no matter the youngun’s training or ability to be self-sufficient. She was purposely being dismissive in order to be similar to the OP’s issue (a dismissive, cranky old man ICYMI)
Godzilla
I’ve personally used One Medical myself. As a pcp service, it was great for routine issues. When my own medical situation got complicated, they were not so great. Great bedside manner but no recommendations for specialists (honestly, I came up with my own) and no follow-through with coordinating doctors outside the One Medical system, which is what a pcp should do. I did not renew after my first year because honestly, nothing they offered was better than what I could get out of my existing network of doctors.
I am absolutely going to wade through ZocDoc, was just wondering if anyone had recommendations.
NYNY
I’m sorry you’re going through this. While it isn’t a specific recommendation, I would suggest that you find a pcp affiliated with an academic medical center. They are more likely to follow up with non-compliant patients because they are more concerned with patient satisfaction scores and so-called quality measures than private offices. In addition, there would be a whole referral base of specialists within the institution who would share an electronic medical record, so you would have better medication management – everyone else can see what the others have prescribed.
Northwell (formerly North Shore-LIJ) has practices all over the island. And New York Presbyterian Queens has primary care offices – here’s a link:
http://www.nyhq.org/Primary-Care-and-Multispecialty-Practices
Also, if he’s old enough, you might try to schedule a geriatrics consult. Geriatricians are trained to look at the patient as a whole and address both physical and psychosocial issues in the same encounter. Also, they give long appointments, which might help your dad trust the doctor a little more.
Hugs and rawrs.
Beth
Along these lines, look for a group that is part of a pay-for-quality arrangement with the health plans. I don’t have NY specific recommendations but maybe others do. In Boston, Atrius Health is one. For the average patient, the benefits may not be obvious, but for cases like your dads (complicated, very expensive for insurance plans if something goes wrong…), they have a laser focus on getting patients turned around.
You might also want to contact the health plan- they may have a $$ interest in keeping your dad well and may offer care/case mgmt services.
Wildkitten
I just wanted to say G, that this is not your responsibility. If your NDad is manipulating doctors and not taking care of himself, he is the one doing that. He is an adult.
If trying to coordinate this care is rewarding for you, you do you, but if it’s not, I give you permission to stop and to not feel guilty about it.
Anonymous
Agreed.
Godzilla
While I don’t agree with you, I appreciate your perspective. Thanks WK.
anon in sv
+1. It’s really difficult watching a parent make stupid health (or financial) decisions which you KNOW are going to end up being your problem, but they are adults and you can’t reason with/force/convince/trick them into doing anything they don’t want to do. Your parent is not an improvement project any more than a significant other is. They are not going to change. Do not grab the burden of trying to get them to behave better. It’s not going to work and you’re just going to end up even more frustrated and now also tired.
Beth
It sounds like Mama Godzilla isn’t in the picture. If she were, it’d be her taking this on. In my family my grandfather was the Papa G, my grandmother passively let things happen and it was my mom and one of her two sisters that finally intervened. Like, purged the house of all his hidden cigarettes, drive him all over to PT, coordinated the docs, etc.
In some families, this is how it’s done. In others, people wash their hands of it. I can’t decide which camp I fall into yet.
Anonymous
No advice about the doctor situation, but is your father part of a faith community? Perhaps a leader there (or someone else he admires–a family member?) might be able to help with the persuading side of this equation. Doctors are great, but in my personal experience, the patient needs to meet the doctor halfway to achieve goals.
Godzilla
I can’t think of anyone whose opinion he honestly respects. Sigh.
Anonymous
I don’t understand how you think you will be able to resolve this. He’s not interested in doing the work to take care of himself and he doesn’t respect doctors.
Have you tried “dad you are literally killing yourself every day you refuse to take insulin. Why don’t you love your family enough to be better than this? I’ll do anything to help you but you have to want it too.”
Wildkitten
Can you try a social worker? I’m not sure anyone is going to ever convince him to use “preventative measures which will not always include pills” but a social worker might be the best equipped to deal with the situation. One of the hardest thing about Narcissists is when they are doing the wrong things it’s almost impossible to convince them otherwise. My bet is he’ll keep doctor shopping until he finds another doctor that tells him he’s right, which he seems to be good at finding. Good luck, G. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.
Anonymous
Do you belong to a faith community and would you consider taking him? He must be aware on some level what toll this is taking on his body and his life expectancy. He might be more open to religion now than when he was younger, which in turn, could help.
Alternately, my mother is an on-off non-compliant of a similar type. What has really lit a fire under her recently is being temporarily checked into a nursing home to rehab a broken knee. Would this be an effective threat?
APC
OMG I have this unicorn for you. His name is Dr Thomas Nicosia – he’s a cardiologist at St Francis in Port Washington. I heard he might not be taking on new patients, but I would trust recommendations from his office. He did great things for my family members.
EM
I had a situation parallel to this with my dad, although not nearly this severe. Anyway, I screamed at him–I, who never raised my voice. I screeched, “Dammit, you’re my dad and I love you and I’m not going to stand by and let you die!!!! YOU WILL DO SOMETHING!!” I might have waived around a carving knife for emphasis.
He actually listened. Actually, he looked a little afraid. But he was meek, after that.
aBr
We got a doctor that makes regular house calls for my grandma. It worked wonders when we took away the act of actually getting to the doctor and said instead, this person will come at 9am before you do anything for the day.
Anon
Jen Meller in Manhattan as a PCP. You can look up her contact info and reviews on ZocDoc. Solo practice but she is one of those doctors who sits down with you and goes thru issues and makes a plan. You can be honest with her about what you will or will not do (and you — the daughter could go with him or possibly even request a call/email to let her know that there are issues re his compliance). While she’s solo, she is good about recommendations to specialists — often/always at Columbia or Cornell; I can’t imagine she doesn’t know a good cardiologist or 2.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you are struggling with this.
You will need to choose your battles. You are not going to change his personality/mental healthy issues, which are the root of his problems. What he needs the most is a geriatric psychiatrist, or a “wake up and smell the coffee” heart attack. Find a Geriatrician in his HMO. This is a primary care doctor for older folks and they are very familiar with managing multiple medical problems, dealing with psychiatric/dementia issues (they often overlap), and are very good at managing quality of life and helping you choose your battles. They also spend more times during appointments, and sometimes closely work with nurses that can also help with additional visits and phone calls to reinforce plans.
Can someone go to doctor’s appointments with him?
A cardiologist is not the answer to your problems, unfortunately. Your Dad knows what he is doing is wrong. If he is at least taking his medications regularly, and is going to his doctor’s appointment, you are actually doing pretty well.
It can be much, much worse…. I guarantee you.
Ultimately, these are his decisions. You are not going to reverse this wheel. Treating any underlying depression/anxiety could be life altering for all of you. But chances are high you will need to back off to preserve the relationship you do have with him, and try to take it one day at a time.
Sydney Bristow
She’s in Manhattan, but Dr. Denise Pate in Midtown East is part of Medical Offices of Manhattan. I had an incredibly thorough physical done with her when I was a new patient. I was having an issue with my legs swelling and I was able to get an ultrasound and EKG done in the office during my appointment. There are cardiologists on staff there and a separate lab for bloodwork above the offices. I walked out with a handful of specific specialist recommendations and had regular follow ups with her until I could get in to see the specialists. My coworker sees someone else at that office and had a very similar thorough initial appointment, so I imagine most docs there would be good to see.
I have a PPO so my experience may have been different than his would have been.
AIMS
Life insurance. Those of you that have it, how did you get it? Is using something like Select Quote a good idea? Bad idea? Looking to get term life insurance and overwhelmed by the options.
TK
If you have it / qualify – USAA. As with all products / services I have ever purchased from them, super easy and cost-competitive.
jwalk
I have it through work, with the option to buy more. I don’t know anything about Select Quote, but you can start by looking at life insurance companies operating in your area.
AIMS
I have mine through work too but no option to buy more. Want to get for Mr. AIMS who does not have a thru-work option and neither of us qualify for USAA, although I have heard lots of great things.
Anon in NYC
I have a small policy through MetLife, and a separate larger policy through Northwestern Mutual. No complaints with either, but I didn’t price shop so I don’t know how competitive the rates are.
BB
Ditto on the overwhelmed! I also have no barometer for how much I should be paying here. Like what is a “normal” premium range for 10 year term (early 30s, perfect health, $2M coverage)?
Anon
I don’t know if it’s good or not, but I pay ~$90/month for $2.5M in coverage. 35 and in good health. My husband (40) is a little less than double that for the same coverage. And if I’m paying way too much, someone let me know!
JEB
I used Select Quote and found it helpful. They get all of your information and basically do the shopping for you. They present you with several options and educate you about the different companies. I took the top two quotes and researched those companies further on my own. Once you choose one, the Select Quote rep helps you schedule the health exam and all of that follow up stuff. I’d definitely use the service again.
Anonymous
Tips on telling manager you’re expecting? I’ve informed HR (as is policy) but I’m totally chickening out about this! I feel like Kathryn Hiegl in Knocked Up.
Anonymous
Walk your tush in there right now this second before someone in HR blabs. “I have happy news- I’m expecting!”
Anonymous
Oh, not worried about that. I’m in a large corporation so this is pretty normal to tell HR a week or so before revealing to manager.
Anonymous4
Just be straightforward. “Manager, I had a check-up with my doctor this morning and he confirmed that I am X weeks pregnant. I will be planning to take FMLA leave around X date. What do I need to do over the coming months to prepare for my leave?”
If you were going to be out for some other scheduled medical procedure, that’s how it would be approached.
And congrats!
Anonymous
I am emailing this to myself to save for future use.
Another R
Eh, I don’t like “What do I need to do over the coming months to prepare for my leave?”. If your work is really long term so you know what’s on your plate around your due date, come up with a sentence or two about plans to transition. If not, say you when you’ll start working on a transition plan. Too many details is probably overkill at this point but don’t leave the ball in manager’s court.
rosie
I agree with you (Another R). Especially if you’re concerned about getting a less-than-great reaction, don’t make your manager think it’s on them to deal with the transition (I can just hear the “so you’re going on maternity leave AND leaving me to deal with the transition” whining). Being more proactive is a really good call.
Anon in NYC
“Hey, Manager. I just wanted to let you know some good news. I’m pregnant, and expecting a baby in March.”
Anonymous
OK OP here — and what if your manager doesn’t look happy? Just keep smiling like a weirdo?
Nati
I mean, yup. You’re happy about it and they should at least try to be too, especially since you’ll work with them to undertake preparations.
Anon in NYC
Announce the good news, let them respond (hopefully appropriately), and then say, “Well, I just wanted to let you know. Do you want to talk about [insert project/work related item]?”
Julia
Yes. “I’ll be out on leave from X date to Y date. And then I’ll be back.” Smile. “Let me know when you’re ready to discuss what you need from me to temporarily transition my work.”
Brown
Yes. Just keep smiling. Model the reaction you want your manager to have. Don’t be apologetic.
Idea
Yes. And leave the office to let the news sink in. You’ve told them how to react — “I hope you’ll be happy for me!” and you can plan a follow-up meeting for later.
My boss told me all.about.his.vasectomy. when I told him I was pregnant… This was this past winter.
anon
Then your manager is a jack*ss, and you ignore his or her unpleasantness just like you would under any other circumstance dealing with a negative Nancy.
LSC
Have a few ideas ready for how your maternity leave will be best managed/prepared for. You want to come across as positive, ready, and realistic. Don’t leave the ball in your manager’s court…Think ahead!
Cornellian
How far along are you? I just announced two weeks ago (already 21 or 22 weeks along), because I wasn’t showing and I didn’t need accommodations.
I ask in part because you may (or may not) know whether you expect to need any acommodations in the interim, which would be worth bringing up at the first meeting.
Otherwise, I would just be upbeat and happy and make clear you’re excited to come back to work and set up transition plans so they know it won’t be a headache for them.
Offensive ad
Eeek! There is a sidebar ad for a purple pillow with a pattern that would send this post into permanent moderation if I typed its name.
Kat G
Yikes! What is the product so I can talk to my ad company about it? I just went through the first 15 pages on my end of Adsense ads showing and did not see anything that looked like a purple pillow. Thank you so much!
Offensive ad
The text was “Purple … print pillow.” The missing word alliterates with the rest. There was a tiny picture of a throw pillow. I did not see a brand name or other details. I clicked the “X” to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Sorry I can’t provide more details!
Kat G
That literally took me 2 minutes to figure out. Clearly I need more sleep. Thanks, off to look in Adsense again.
Home Needs Work
I have a few home improvement items I need to get done:
– Assemble the new dining chairs I ordered since my old ones are falling apart (literally the fabric is peeling off).
– Order 2 new IKEA Kallax, get them delivered or pick them up if they fit in my SUV, then assemble them
– Install new curtain rods and hang up the curtains that have been lingering in my closet for months. I currently have blinds but the sticks for turning them have been pulled out by my kid.
The problem is that while I have a fairly busy job, I’m home at a reasonable dinner hour but my kids need my attention 100% of the time after that. My 1yo is very clingy to me and it’s almost impossible to do any furniture assembly work with her around grabbing at things and asking to be carried. My DH is super busy at work and is going through a weekend work phase as well.
I looked into getting someone on Taskrabbit to do the IKEA assembly and pickup, but at the very least it would be maybe 2 hours for pick up and 3 hours for assembly, and at ~$40/hour that is much more than the cost of the items! Should I instead hire my nanny for the weekend at $20/hour and do it myself? It seems backward that it’s cheaper for me to do housework than play with my kids. Should I burn a day off from work to do this? What do moms with young kids usually do?
Anonymous
I babywear a lot so my 18 month old hangs out in the ergo on my back when I do a lot of this stuff. Alternative is to set up a bouncer/jolly jumper thing or pack and play next to where you are working and let baby watch/play with pretend tool toy set
LAnon
It doesn’t matter if the install is more than the cost of the items. I pay someone from Task Rabbit to come pick up stuff and take it to Goodwill! You’re mentally pricing it against sunk costs (cost of the items) rather than opportunity costs (taking time off work or missing out on kids). I would bet it looks much more favorable priced against opportunity.
Scarlett
+1 – also, there are different payment options on Taskrabbit – you can put your project out to bid & that usually comes in with cheaper options
Dulcinea
This. Are you willing and able to pay $40 an hour to spend that time playing with your kids instead of doing errands and chores? Doesn’t matter how much the furniture costs. Though, at that price, you may be able to buy more expensive, possibly higher quality, furniture that doesn’t require assembly at all and includes free delivery.
anon
Do this after bedtime or during naptime? If these are noisy tasks (like drilling holes for curtain rods), you may just have do them in stages when the kid is awake and entertained by something else.
Anon in NYC
Assemble the chairs/hang the curtains after your kids go to bed. If it’s going to be too much of a hassle to pick up the ikea products, I would have them delivered. If the curtains need power tools, do that on the weekend, assuming that your husband can spare an hour or two to watch the kids or hang the curtains.
Anonymous
Play pens and ignoring them when they yell about it and nap times.
CPA Lady
The only time I do stuff like that around the house is when I take a weekday off while my kid is in daycare, preferably when my mom is visiting so I have another adult to help me. Yeah, it’s technically possible to do it any other time, but it’s such a hassle to fend off a toddler when I’m trying to get stuff done. I have the least relaxing vacation days ever, but at least stuff in my house looks better.
Anonymous
Wait, why is the TaskRabbit $40/hour? I would think even in a HCOL area you could hire someone on Craigslist to do this for more like $10/hour. We paid a handyman to install our curtain rods. I think it was less than $50 for four curtain rods. Anyway, I’d pay whatever it costs for the handyman/TaskRabbit and chalk it up to a cost of admission for saving money on the furniture. No way I’d pay a nanny to watch my kids so I could do stuff like this.
(It may be too late if you’ve already bought the dining room chairs, but this is why I don’t buy assembly-required furniture. I’ve found pre-assembled dining chairs at prices that aren’t noticeably higher than IKEA, although that requires a lot of time reading online descriptions to make sure it comes in one piece. If you’re willing to spend more on the furniture itself, Macy’s has a lot of nice stuff and mostly is pre-assembled or assembled by their delivery people.)
Home Needs Work
I described my task on TaskRabbit and they gave me the starter quote of $42 per hour, they have a whole section on IKEA installs. High COL. I’d love to see if I can hire someone on craigslist cheaper. Thanks!
Maddie Ross
I suppose it depends on the number of kids and ages, but I’ve totally assembled furniture with my 3 yo around, including some in her playroom (similar to the Ikea kallax but from Target actually; also 2 units). Honestly, my husband and I were able to knock it out in less than hour and she just kind of played on the opposite side of the room. If she got involved/interested, we’d tell her she could help by handing us things, but mostly that didn’t interest her. Had the playroom not been so close to her bedroom (so she could hear us doing it), I might have done it after she went to bed at night. But I think these are things that can be done on the weekend – you just need to do.
Anonymous
Your kids are only as clingy as you let them be! You can’t change it in a day, but I can almost guarantee that your 1 year old will learn to amuse herself if you make it clear that you’re temporarily unavailable sometimes. My solution to all household chores that can’t be accomplished during nap or after bedtime is to send my kids outside to play (our backyard is completely fenced, I lock the gate and there’s no way they can get to the street) or tell them they need to stay in the family room if the weather is bad. My youngest is 19 months, and I’ve been comfortable with this approach all spring and summer. Assuming your house/yard are reasonably childproof, just ignore the kids for a while. Check in every 15 min or so and be within earshot, but I don’t buy that they need 100% of your attention.
Beth
I have a 3 y/o and 3 month old. I would do all assembly on a weekend, with kids around (baby napping, 3 y/o “helping”- her favorite is sorting the pieces). If you don’t want to pay for delivery, you or DH go to ikea at the crack of dawn to pick up the stuff. Bring any kids that want to go, and lure them with a donut on the way or a snack at ikea. They’ll be back mid morning unless you live 1+ hour from ikea.
Hang the curtains on a sat night, or have DH do it on a weekend day while you let the 1 y/o cling to you. Or vice versa.
Or park all children in front of TV at night or on the weekend. Depends if that is your style- it’s mine for some tasks :-)
ANP
Can anyone out there comment about life after a Whole30? Husband and I have been doing one since last Monday — so a wee bit over a week, now — and I am LOVING how I’m feeling on this thing! It is seriously amazing…and I was a TERRIBLE eater beforehand, so I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do once it’s over with. Did you go back to your old ways? Gain a bunch of weight back? Right now I’m thinking I will try to stay Whole30-ish Sunday – Thursday, with more leeway on Friday and Saturday.
I’m also curious to hear from people who worked out while on the Whole30. My workouts are admittedly a lot harder now that I’m eating this way (not many carbs!) and it’s come to the point where I’ve been a little nauseous afterwards. Does this get better? The message boards haven’t been a ton of help.
(Sorry for the EllenCaps. Just pumped to not feel bloated and exhausted all day!)
Anon in NYC
Check out Peanut Butter Runner. Caveat that she is a personal trainer and already ate pretty healthily prior to her Whole30. http://www.peanutbutterrunner.com/my-first-whole30-the-results/
You can also search her site for “Whole30” and see how she has reintroduced foods.
Ginjury
I didn’t have as many issues with working out. I just made sure to eat a lot of sweet potatoes and squash in general and ate a hard boiled egg before the gym.
I didn’t struggle too much on the diet, primarily because I put a lot of effort into planning and preparation. I planned to continue eating that way most of the time, but then life/social obligations got in the way and I eventually gained back even more weight than I lost. At this point, a year and a half later, I regret ever doing it. It really isn’t a sustainable way to live; it causes you to think way too much about food and bans entire food groups that are not unhealthy on their own and generally promotes an unhealthy (in my and many medical professionals’ opinion) approach to food and eating.
Anon
“It really isn’t a sustainable way to live; it causes you to think way too much about food and bans entire food groups that are not unhealthy on their own and generally promotes an unhealthy (in my and many medical professionals’ opinion) approach to food and eating.”
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
I eat mostly “healthy” (tons of fruits and vegetables, plenty of healthy fats, varied protein sources, varied carb sources, minimal junk food) but I don’t exclude any foods because I don’t have food allergies, I don’t measure my portions because I’m not an Olympic athlete or a Hollywood actress getting paid $25Mil to look a certain way, and because I think that spending that much time thinking about what you’re eating, how much you’re eating, how you’re going to plan your meals, whether you can socialize and stick to your arbitrary diet, etc., is unbelievably unhealthy.
Note – I have complete respect for anyone’s dietary choice/preference/requirement as determined by allergy/other medical issue/religion/ethics. I just have zero tolerance for someone who only eats muffins if they are made from coconut flour b/c cavemen.
ELaw
If you’re nauseous after your workouts, please eat carbs if that makes the nausea go away. You’re not helping yourself if you’re making yourself sick.
LadyB
What are your favorite meal planning websites whether subscription or not? I am struggling each week to put together dinner ideas
Wildkitten
I hear great things about prepdish.
Anon in NYC
Cook Smarts. You can do a free trial week. The recipes are good (in my opinion), and I love not having to come up with dinner ideas. Sometimes I’m less interested in making one or two of the items listed, but then I just search their archives or go back to one of the 10 or so standbys that we have.
anon
Based on recs here, we signed up for this. Recipes are good, there’s a meatless option suggested once a week which I like for my omnivore family, and you can scale them for fewer/more servings.
If you want a free plan, Dinner a Love Story and Skinnytaste publish plans and both have good recipes.
Julia
Platejoy. Subscription and personalized. Creates a shopping list personalized for what you have on hand vs. need to buy. Very happy with it.
Idea
thescramble.com
Good mix of fresh and prepared ingredients. side dish ideas. seasonal eating.
MKB
I have the “Fresh 20” cookbook and really love it – it’s a website/service, too, but I haven’t used that.
Sarabeth
I use the service. It’s pretty good. It’s a bit *too* ‘healthy’ for my tastes, so I often modify the recipes to add some fat back in (increase the oil in the salad dressing, for example, or use sour cream instead of greek yogurt for a garnish). Overall, though, I’m quite happy with it. We use the vegetarian plan.
M
Plantoeat. I have been using it for years and it is great.
GCA
Hive, what are your favourite science books? Preferably physics-related, but biology/ ecology/ evolution works as well. I’m looking for a birthday gift for Papa GCA (who is a physician by trade but a big reader/ hobby watercolor painter/ philatelist/ granddad of 2 toddlers), so other nonbook recommendations are welcome, too. In the past I’ve given him science books, nerdy bowties, magazine subscriptions, etc. TIA!
Anonymous
Chris Hatfield (Canadian astronaut) has out a book that’s supposed to be really good.
Mpls
The Emperor of All Maladies (Biography of Cancer)
Gail the Goldfish
This, and also The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.
The author of EMperor of All Maladies also has a new book out called The Gene, though it’s not quite as engaging–I’m still working my way through it.
BB
The Richard Feynman memoirs are very fun if he hasn’t read them. If he’s really into physics, you could get him a actual set of the Feynman lectures – they are actually an engaging read if you’re into physics, not too textbook-y.
Ms B
Cosign, plus the Gleick biography of Feynman. I failed HS Trig, but after reading Feynman’s memoirs as a teen and then the Gleick bio when it came out, I dipped into the lectures . . . they were amazing, even to a novice like me.
For something fun, how about plate blocks of recent stamps picked out by the toddlers?
Anonymous
Guns, Germs & Steel
The Blind Watchmaker
Why Evolution is True
NYNY
Anything by Michio Kaku, but especially “Physics of the Impossible: A Scientific Exploration into the World of Phasers, Force Fields, Teleportation, and Time Travel.” It’s the science of sci-fi!
GCA
We have loads of Michio Kaku! (My entire family of origin is big into scifi and popular science books, heh.) I’m fairly certain he’s also read all the available Gleick except for The Information.
ChiLaw
The Lost City of Z is a fun read. I guess it’s more history/archeology/jungle exploring (??) than science but it sounds like he might like it?
Not That Anne, The Other Anne
Thanks to all for these suggestions and this morning’s suggestions. I have a ultra long-haul coming up and now have a good mix of thinking and not thinking books
Single Gal
Can we talk about weekly routines when you’re single? I’ve been so unmotivated to bother to cook or meal plan now that it’s just me and I don’t tend to eat that much anyways but I’m getting sick of takeout so want to get back into the swing of things! Plus I usually have plans most weeknights and weekend evenings so when I’m home, all I want to do is sit on the couch and not be productive around the house.
Ginjury
As a fellow single woman (who admittedly makes less plans during the week), why don’t you just aim for making one dish that serves ~4 per week and then build from there? You could also choose something that freezes well so, if you don’t eat it after say three days, you can pop it in the freezer and pull it out on a night you will eat it.
Anon for This
Are you looking for weekly cooking routines or just general routines/what people do at night to occupy their time?
Single Gal
I guess primarily cooking? I tend to date or see friends most evenings so I don’t really have a problem with occupying my time. It actually would be nice to spend more time at home in the evenings but the last few weeks have been so busy that I’ve been a bit overscheduled.
Anon for This
I like Ginjury’s advice- start small, plan to cook once, with portions for more meals later in the week, and freeze if needed. No need to feel pressured to cook every night of the week!
Amanda
I am there with you – I will be following this for some advice!
Wildkitten
I go to the gym after work, then read a book or watch a show or do a chore or meet up with friends. Then I go to sleep.
Wildkitten
Ah – cooking. I have a protein shake after the gym.
ELaw
My routine with cooking hasn’t changed that much since I was single. I cook one or two large batch meals on the weekend, and eat them for lunch and dinner throughout the week. Sometimes it takes me awhile to eat them, but I really don’t mind eating leftovers, and cooked food keeps in the fridge for a week to 10 days. You can always freeze it if you want it to keep even longer.
Also, change what you think of as a meal. Peanut butter sandwich and an apple is dinner if I don’t have something cooked. So is hummus and carrots. Or oatmeal with a couple of fried eggs and hot sauce. All of which are cheaper and likely healthier than takeout. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be real, nutritious food.
NOLA
I’m single and a total homebody so take this with a grain of salt. I work out in the evenings and, when I come home, I don’t feel like cooking a meal. I prep food on Sunday afternoon for 3-4 nights when I can throw something together. Lately, it’s been vegetables and grilled chicken with some balsamic vinegar drizzled on it or a little hummus with it. It’s not going to go bad if I don’t get to it or eat out one night. I also has a friend with a cleaning routine – he does one thing every night so he doesn’t ever have to do major cleaning on one day. I like that idea in theory, but I don’t do it.
NOLA
Obv, I “have” a friend who has a cleaning routine. Oh, how I miss the edit function!
anonypotamus
It depends on what I have scheduled for after work during the week, but I typically make up a big batch of something on Sunday that I can work into a variety of dishes. Examples: taco meat (ground turkey or chicken or beef), slow cooker pulled pork, carnitas, baked chicken breasts, etc. Then I also try to have a variety of veggies/other fixings on hand so I can make what I feel like having for dinner. Sometimes its just a salad topped with protein/veg, other times its a flatbread or soup or whatever. Sometimes, I just want a smoothie or some yogurt and nuts, or hummus and celery, and call it a day. I also follow a similar protocol for making lunches for the week – I find I’m fine eating the same thing for about a week before I get tired of it. This makes it easy to meal plan/prep and I find I waste a lot less food.
My typical week routine is going to the gym after work, then either meeting up with friends, a date, or reading/watching tv/one chore. Depends on the day and how late I leave work. Sometimes its just gym, shower, bed.
AttiredAttorney
I have had to purposefully schedule one weeknight and at least one morning or afternoon on a weekend at home with nothing to do so that I can catch up on life things (cleaning, laundry, organizing, cooking) and not be a total zombie.
I make an intentional meal plan for myself on the weekend for the coming week and note which (if any) meals I will be eating out, and then I cook one or two big “somethings” to fill in the gaps around that. Usually I cook a nicer dinner the weeknight I schedule at home, and then eat the leftovers for lunch during the week as needed. So this week, it looks like:
Tuesday
B: Overnight oats
L: lunch meeting
D: Instant pot ginger garlic soy chicken, home night (laundry, clean kitchen, watch trash TV)
Wednesday
B: Overnight Oats
L: Instant pot chicken leftovers
D: Night out with friends
Thursday
B: Overnight Oats
L: Instant Pot Chicken leftovers
D: Date night
Friday
B: Overnight oats
L: Lunch meeting
D: TBD
Pears
I’m a super lazy cook but I like eating healthy. What I found helpful is just preparing meals with really really low prep work. Like baking chicken breast and sweet potato in the oven. Or microwaving spaghetti squash. I also don’t mind putting something in the oven, showering, and waiting till it’s ready.
Also a single gal
oh! I’m the same way. I almost always opt for oven meals over stove top because I feel like it’s so easy to plop in some sort of meat and maybe potatoes and maybe even a vegetable too.
I also buy pre-cut, pre-washed lettuce and as many pre-cut salad fixings as I can find.
Another thing I like to do is make extra meat and use that as a salad topper. For instance, yesterday I made chicken for dinner and then I had some leftover today on my salad.
Google-fu failure
I came across a website that had interesting and stylish potted plants (like branch trees, topiaries, etc) that I thought would be the best cool-girl gifts ever. Months went by and I cannot seem to find it again. Any ideas?
a-non
Has anyone here ever proposed a contract agreement as part of a promotion request?
I’m at a place in my work where I’m ready for more responsibility, a title change, etc., and because I’m aware that there’s not much capacity for salary increase, I’d like to ask for some non-salary benefits (incentive-based bonus structure, professional development funds, etc.). I work for a small organization in a lively city and am keen to grow in this role before moving elsewhere; for unrelated personal reasons, I could see myself staying here for another 1-3 years (yes, even without significant salary increase). That said, I want to make sure I get these other opportunities for the time being so that I’m well-placed when the time comes to move.
I’m pretty sure my boss will be receptive to this proposal, but in case she needs a sweetener, what if I committed to some kind of a structure that essentially means I’d give more than just two weeks notice if I ever chose to leave? Is this a thing? How would it work? Have you ever worked in that capacity–or moved to that capacity from a regular salaried non-contract role–and how was it for you and your organization?
Or perhaps this much incentive is unnecessary. Input welcome!
a-non
Oh gosh I’m sorry for the gazillion reposts.
ELaw
No experience with this, but I wouldn’t put in anything about specifying how you’re going to leave a job. I think we all assume jobs are temporary these days (very few people spend their entire careers at the same place anymore), but talking about how you’re going to quit still feels like a lack of commitment to me.
a-non
Has anyone here ever proposed a contract agreement as part of a promotion request?
I’m at a place in my work where I’m ready for more responsibility, a title change, etc., and because I’m aware that there’s not much capacity for salary increase, I’d like to ask for some non-salary benefits (incentive-based bonus structure, professional development funds, etc.). I work for a small (but growing!) organization in a lively city and am keen to grow in this role before moving elsewhere; for unrelated personal reasons, I could see myself staying here for another 1-3 years (yes, even without significant salary increase). That said, I want to make sure I get these other opportunities for the time being so that I’m well-placed when the time comes to move.
I’m pretty sure my boss will be receptive to this proposal, but in case she needs a sweetener, what if I committed to some kind of a structure that essentially means I’d give more than just two weeks notice if I ever chose to leave? Is this a thing? How would it work? Have you ever worked in that capacity–or moved to that capacity from a regular salaried non-contract role–and how was it for you and your organization?
Or perhaps this much incentive is unnecessary. Input welcome!
aynon
Has anyone here ever proposed a contract agreement as part of a promotion request?
I’m at a place in my work where I’m ready for more responsibility, a title change, etc., and because I’m aware that there’s not much capacity for salary increase, I’d like to ask for some non-salary benefits (incentive-based bonus structure, professional development funds, etc.). I work for a small (but growing!) organization in a lively city and am keen to grow in this role before moving elsewhere; for unrelated personal reasons, I could see myself staying here for another 1-3 years. That said, I want to make sure I get these other opportunities for the time being so that I’m well-placed when the time comes to move.
I’m pretty sure my boss will be receptive to this proposal, but in case she needs a sweetener, what if I committed to some kind of a structure that essentially means I’d give more than just two weeks notice if I ever chose to leave? Is this a thing? How would it work? Have you ever worked in that capacity–or moved to that capacity from a regular salaried non-contract role–and how was it for you and your organization?
Or perhaps this much incentive is unnecessary. Input welcome!
adfs
When losing weight when do you decide something is too big or too lose to wear to work? Particularly shirts?
Anon
With shirts, almost never! Drapey is in right now. Tuck it in and, if long sleeved, do the j crew sleeve cuff.
Baconpancakes
I could fit two of me in the shirt I’m wearing today, and I sized down. Oversized shirts are tres chic.
That said, if you’ve got “cakes on a plate” going on because you lost a lot of weight and now the neckline hangs a lot lower, that’s too big.
For pants/skirts, I’d say if it stays on, it’s probably ok. I might not pair it with a loose shirt, though.
Anonymous
I really enjoyed this post.
Meg March
I’m part of a group of friends that consists of 5 guys who have been best friends since high school, and their significant others. I am one of the SOs. One of the guys, “Jack” is very skinny, but has always been slight since high school. Recently, another SO approached me and asked if I had noticed that Jack doesn’t eat much. I began paying attention, and Jack always a) had a “late lunch” so doesn’t eat much dinner or b) is going out to dinner with other people later so doesn’t eat or c) pushes his food around on his plate if he does eat with us. After he had half an egg roll for dinner this weekend, I brought it up in a joking way (“I don’t know how can you survive on only an egg roll!”), which ended with him saying that he was trying to lose weight. I have since brought this up with my SO, who had not noticed it previously but is now worried about it.
I don’t know what we can do. To be honest, my experience with eating disorders is as a teenage girl, where the advice was aimed at telling a trusted adult or the parents. Complicating matters, within the next month, Jack is moving oversees for a year-long job. Any advice?
anon
Well calling him out in public is not the way to address a possible eating disorder. If you’re concerned, then one of his friends should bring it up in a non-threatening way.
But also… unless the guy seems actually unhealthy as opposed to just not eating out with a group of 10, maybe give him a break? Maybe he doesn’t like eating at restaurants for any number of reasons? I had an ex like that. His favorite thing to eat at home was literally raw vegetables and boiled chicken with no seasoning. He wouldn’t eat my pretty mildly seasoned food, eating the over-salted food at a restaurant was way too much for him. But he liked to socialize so he would still go out with the group, but he did pretty much what you’re describing – order the blandest thing on the menu and take a few bites but mostly push his food around the plate.
applemelon
I’d let it go. DH is a skinny fellow and gets really self conscious when people comment on his eating habits. He doesn’t eat a lot, but his weight is stable and in the healthy range of BMI. In modern times we’ve all gotten so used to seeing overweight people we no longer remember what a healthy, if skinny, weight looks like.
Anonymous
This. People often forget that bmi is a wide range and so many people are in the higher end Or overweight that someone can seem too thin. Eg – the healthy weight range for a 5’10” make is 129lbs to 173lbs. At 130-140lbs he would look thin compared to most people but still be at a healthy weight.
*yes I know bmi isn’t a great measure but it’s a good rough indicator for situations like these
Anon
Agree. I’m 5’6″ but wear heels all the time so I usually look like I’m around 5’9″. For my build, my Dr has told me my ideal weight should be between around 135. I’m currently 175. I was talking to a coworker recently and mentioned that I was trying to lose some weight. She was genuinely shocked and told me I looked like the right weight for my height. I think it’s a product of American society getting so used to obesity that we normalize — and even defend — it now.
(Former) Clueless Summer
Wow – if you were describing a woman, I think posters would be all over this. There are a couple explanations, I think – one of them may be that he is feeling a budget crunch right now and so is not eating out, or trying to only eat a bit so he doesn’t have to split the bill/contribute? The other is some type of eating disorder. Would your SO be the type of guy who could bring it up in a kind, considerate way? Is there another one of the guys who could? I would task them with a gentle approach…
GCA
+1 financial; I have a friend who is also very frugal and supporting elderly parents and he sometimes does this.
Anonymous
As someone who has recovered from severe anorexia (was hospitalized for almost a year) and who has friends with various eating disorders, I don’t think there is anything you can do. When I was sick, a number of friends and family members tried to get me in treatment. It never worked. With my friends, they bring up their EDs to me given my history, but I let them lead the conversation and offer feedback as requested.
cbackson
Interesting – my experience was very different. There was no single conversation with a friend that got me into treatment, but I feel like each one of those conversations was like a little stone, and eventually the weight of them was one of the things that helped me to realize that (i) I had a problem and (ii) people valued me enough that getting better was worth it.
Anon
As a woman who is skinny enough that people notice when I don’t eat — whatever you do, DON’T call him out publicly again. First think about if it is even your place — are you THAT close of a friend? Second — in addition to everything that’s been said — it is possible that it’s something medical but NOT an ED. I know I have had stomach issues on and off. I’m fine enough that I can/want to go out and socialize but not feeling great enough that I want to eat out — sometimes it’s reflux issues, sometimes it’s on and off upset stomachs so I’m scared to eat outside the home. In my own home I can eat or not eat, eat bland foods etc. — in a restaurant everything is just heavier/oiler than at home. These aren’t the kinds of things I’ll discuss with casual friends or even with close friends if there’s 10 of them sitting there bc it’s personal and not necessarily pleasant conversation. I MIGHT admit it if someone close to me asked me alone and seemed like they were truly concerned not just trying to get gossip about me.
lost academic
I have a male relative that is a bit like this. Part of his eating disorder, which has been around most of his life, is associated with eating in public. He’s deeply self conscious about his food choices and that’s a big part of that. Calling him out publicly, or even privately, is really a no-go, we’ve been working on this his entire life. The ‘trying to lose weight’ comment could be real, or it could be an excuse used to get you to change the topic.
You can watch and wait. We had another family member with a much more severe eating disorder. Things have to be really bad before there are systems in place to really, really help – and usually for those afflicted to consider that it might be a real problem that can be dealt with.
Minnie Beebe
Ladies, I need an opinion. For reference I’m early-40’s, 5’6″, average build. DH and I are going to a semi-formal event hosted by his company (he’s a VP, so upper echelon at his 2800+ person company) for a milestone company anniversary. Every employee is invited.
Here’s a dress I was looking at for the event: http://shop.nordstrom.com/sr?origin=keywordsearch&contextualcategoryid=0&keyword=5204234
I love the color, love the length. Is it enough? I tend to gravitate toward black dresses, so want to branch out, but also hate wearing patterns. Thoughts?
AttiredAttorney
I think it’s beautiful. Definitely appropriate for a semi formal event, though I wonder what type of event it is.
EM
Perfect.
ELaw
Gorgeous!
I would definitely think that would be “enough” for a semi-formal event. Why do you think it might not be? Have past events with this company been for some reason more formal than they were described?
ChiLaw
Oh I think it’s beautiful! Is that a color that will go well with your skin tone?
As a fellow lover of black dresses, I might suggest a jewel tone. I find them almost as easy to wear as black, and they read “festive!” because they’re a color. I’m partial to emerald and berry type colors.
But if you like this, go for it! It’s pretty!
P
I would think this dress more appropriate for a formal event than a semi formal event, especially with the glittery decorations. But I’m in Silicon Valley so might have a skewed perspective.