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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love a pop of color, and this electric pink blazer from Theory is gorgeous. If the color is a bit too bright for you, though, note that it also comes in a more subdued, darker shade called “pink currant.” And yes, those are real flap pockets, not the fake ones that designers love to put on women's clothing.
The blazer only has one review at this point, but it's a positive one.
It's $475 at Nordstrom and is available in sizes 0–12. Neiman Marcus has it in black (exclusive to them), and Theory has a few other colors on its own site, plus the matching pants. Etienette B One-Button Jacket
A couple of more affordable options are an open-front jacket in a very similar pink, a one-button jacket in bright pink, and a bright pink one in petite sizes. There's a plus-size blazer with two options of pink shades and a bright pink one as well.
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Country Wedding
I’m at a loss for what to wear to a country wedding in October. It does not appear to be very fancy…the groomsmen are wearing jeans. Dresses in the usual “wedding” category online just seem too formal. Maybe I am overthinking it, but this will be my first time meeting many of my significant other’s family members. I will already be the only stranger in this rural town – I don’t want to appear to over or underdressed. Help a city girl out, please! I am petite, 5’2 and usually wear around size 2.
Country Wedding
Also, my partner is in the wedding party and will be wearing jeans, if that matters.
Anonymous
I’d wear something from Anthro and some cowboy boots. If you worry about being to plain, something like the Frye Deborah boots would be good if you are feeling spendy.
Or check out an issue of Garden & Gun — this sounds like the perfect Garden & Gun wedding.
Anonymous
I’d wear a day dress with 3/4 sleeves, tights, and wedges. I would not wear cowboy boots unless you already own them. Wear normal clothes, be yourself. No need to get into country mouse drag!
Also Anon
+1 If you’re not the type of person who wears cowboy boots regularly, you’ll probably feel awkward and people will notice.
Anonymous
+111 no cowboy boots unless that’s your normal style. Don’t go in “costume” to fit in with the “country folk.”
And, i have no idea what a “Garden and gun” wedding is, but if it’s some kind of upscale countryesque look, go carefully. Can you ask your husband’s mom or sisters what they’d wear?
Baconpancakes
Garden and Gun is a southern lifestyle magazine – absolutely gorgeous spreads of southern gardens, food, vacation spots, etc. I’d imagine a wedding styled after this would be elegant but with a casual element. Pearls with jeans, etc.
Anonymous
Whoa. There are whole swathes of the U.S. where that kind of lifestyle is NOT the norm for rural life. What has your partner told you about the social group who will be at the wedding?
Baconpancakes
Definitely true – Garden and Gun caters specifically to the East coast South old money society. But if I heard Southern Country Wedding and it was in one of those East coast areas, that’s what would be a safe bet for the wedding style.
Susanne
Uh, the moment you put “gun” in it it stops becoming “beautiful and upscale.” Do people in that culture even know that no matter what they do, the moment they start fetishizing guns they become downscale bumpkins in the eyes of everyone else?
Anonymous
I would say flattering jeans and a gauzy top, or sweater, or whatever your preferred top that isn’t too officey.
Anonymous
No jeans. I’m not sure why but it’s a “thing” lately for guys to be in jeans at weddings but the women are still usually dressed up (not in gowns or anything like that, but in day dresses as other posters suggested above). The groomsmen in jeans are probably also wearing ties and vests or something similar (like this: https://i.pinimg.com/736x/1e/05/fe/1e05fe171e644f724419e9412278abfd–cowboy-groomsmen-groomsmen-in-jeans.jpg) which dresses up the look quite a bit. A woman in jeans would look very out of place.
merry
I live in a rural area where groomsmen sometimes wear jeans to weddings. I don’t recall ever seeing women wearing jeans at these weddings though.
A dress or dressy pants outfit is appropriate, probably a step or two down from c*cktail wear. I second the advice to wear normal clothes and be yourself.
Anon @ 9:17
Fair enough. When I posted, there was nothing specificying SEUS. In the PNW, at any wedding where men wear jeans, women wear jeans too.
Anonymous
Yeah, in the PNW I would expect equality in denim.
That said, wedding attire can be so tricky. You don’t want to show up looking like you’re going to a Heart concert in 1990.
I would definitely ask and if you can find someone to review pics of what you might wear, like another GF of someone your SO knows, take advantage of that.
Anonymous
I’ve been to many weddings in the South where men wear jeans. A few people even wore jeans at my outdoor wedding, although my husband spread the word to NOT wear them.
Women don’t wear jeans. Wear a nice sundress with a sweater or wrap. If its in the South, you can wear something colorful.
Anon
Ditto this. Men in jeans doesn’t equal women in jeans. Wear what you’d wear to church – a nice day dress.
Anon
Yes to this. Wear what you’d wear to a typical church service (not Easter/Christmas, a step down from that).
Day dress with a cardigan plus wedges or flats is perfect.
Turtle
Agree with the above. I live in a very southern mostly rural state and men in button down+belt+jeans+fancy cowboy boots = women’s dressy casual, which is not a jeans occasion. Bright casual going out dresses appropriate for the weather would work.
Anonymous
Country wedding where? Connecticut? New Mexico? Wyoming? Georgia? And what kind of “rural” — some people who live in rural areas are very stylish, and other groups could care less about clothes. Which one will you be in in?
Country Wedding
A little extra context for the questions – the wedding is in the south and I am not getting the impression that it’s going to be elegant at all, based on what my partner has implied. They aren’t doing fall colors so I have no idea what decor will look like. I honestly feel a little uncomfortable going to begin with, I was made to feel like an outsider from his family and am only going because my partner really wants me to. I appreciate the advice on being myself, I think that will help my comfort level. I don’t own cowboy boots but I have several pairs of regular boots/booties that I could wear. I think I just need suggestions on where to find a casual dress as it isn’t something I usually shop for.
Anonymous
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/eliza-j-bell-sleeve-dress-regular-petite/4568090?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=MIDNIGHT
Not black.
Country Wedding
Thank you! Great suggestion and I’m liking a few of the other options in the “people also bought” section. Thanks for this lead.
Anonymous
I’m in the upper South- alas no rural wedding experience – but do avoid black if possible. Any other color -except white of course- should be fine. Loving the burgundies.
emeralds
I’m from the (upper) South (but with a very traditional family) and have extensive rural wedding experience, and that dress in burgundy + boots/booties you already own is perfect.
Anonymous
Is it an outdoor wedding? If not, don’t take the suggestion regarding boots literally — you could wear wedges or flats or pumps. Keep in mind that “fall” in the south is often still very warm.
Torin
Nordstrom Rack should have something. Does he have any photos of other family weddings that might give you an idea of what people wear?
If it’s in the south, it may be pretty warm in October so dress accordingly. For example, the above advice to wear tights would make you stand out here because there’s just no way it would be cold enough in October for tights.
Anonymous
I think you’re overthinking. I went to Macys, hit day dresses, and selected petite. Don’t wear cowboy boots. Wear regular shoes-flats or sandals, if its warm.
https://www.macys.com/shop/womens-clothing/dresses/Special_occasions,Pageindex,Productsperpage/Daytime,1,40?id=5449
https://www.macys.com/shop/womens-clothing/dresses/Special_occasions,Women_petite_size_t,Productsperpage/Daytime,2P%252C%20PS,40?id=5449
Country Wedding
I found a great RL option from this lead, thank you. Don’t know why I was hung up on trying to pick something less dressy out of the wedding section
Baconpancakes
Is your partner a reliable source of information on this? Is there anyone else you can reach out to? I would base your decision on what the bridesmaids are wearing, not what the groomsmen are wearing.
I’m in Virginia – there are a ton of “elegant rustic” country weddings around here that feature both jeans and couture gowns. In weddings right now in general, there’s a huge trend of high/low – holding 3-course plated dinners on fine china in a barn, for example. I’m not saying that’s necessarily what this wedding is, but I would look at the aesthetics of the couple for more guidance (wedding website, invitation, etc) and reach out to someone other than your partner. I know you’re nervous about them accepting you, and you said they were exclusionary, but it can’t hurt to show that you want to fit in, right?
The nice sundress and “be yourself” suggestion is pretty much always spot on. I like Asos and Modcloth for this – lots of options across the board in many styles, price points, sizes, and heights.
Country Wedding
Honestly, I should have pointed out that the couple is very young. My partner didn’t even get an invitation in the mail. I’ve never met either of them. The whole thing does not seem very put together but maybe it’s just a lack of communication. The bridesmaid dress photo that I saw was a short, sleeveless dress in a spring color. I do not think that the groomsmen are wearing vests or even ties.
Anonymous
Just have fun! I’ve been to many weddings in NC where its family and friends in an outdoor ceremony and reception in a church hall. There will likely be plenty of good food and dancing (probably to hip hop/pop, not like hoedown music). The food may be served on paper plates instead of china, but who cares? Enjoy yourself and relax.
Former Retail
This sounds just like weddings in my extended family. The invitations (when they come) don’t even have addresses because everyone (but me and DH) is local . . . .
Groomsmen may be in jeans, but the womens will wear dresses – ranging from work dresses mentioned here to short c*cktail dresses. I would try to reach out to a woman who is going if you are unsure.
Anonymous
Another option is to hit up a Dress Barn or Catos. Buy something with a print and color. Don’t wear all black. You won’t need tights because it will be hot in Oct. If its outside, I don’t suggest heels that will sink into the grass. Wear flats or wedges. Feel free to put your hair up.
Keep in mind that nice jeans can be dress up attire for men, but not women. I bet many of the women will curl their hair or wear updos and nice, coordinated jewelry, shoes, and purses.
Anonymous
Oh my gosh, please don’t hit up a Dress Barn or a Catos because you think that’s what people in the SEUS wear and we’re all jut drastically uncool. I live in the SEUS and shop at Nordstrom, Anthro, J.Crew, and all sorts of other retailers that people in the rest of the country frequent. Dear me.
Anonymous
I live in the South and shop at these stores for work dresses…as well as Lord & Taylor, Nordstrom, Macy’s, and Dillards. So…yeah.
SA
I’d wear the Anita Floral Off The Shoulder Shift Dress from Francescas.com I saw it this weekend and it was gorgeous. I’d do cute booties too.
Wanderlust
This thread seems similar to one from last year about a country wedding. There was talk of a denim skirt at some point, IIRC
Anonymous
In many areas, denim skirt=Pentecostal. Many Pentecostal women don’t wear pants, so a denim skirt is the daily attire. I would avoid a denim skirt for this reason. I myself attend a liberal, African-American Pentecostal church in NC and do not wear denim skirts as a matter of course.
Linda from HR
Personally, I’d either wear my brown, plaid fit n flare dress with burgundy booties, or jeans with a nice top and shoes that match.
Anon
Really do not think that jeans would be appropriate given the extra context above. Wear a dress that you would normally wear to a fairly casual wedding. Don’t over think it.
Anon
I went to a wedding in Texas where groomsmen wore jeans with cowboy boots and tux-like attire above the waist and bride wore standard big fancy white dress. Guests all wore suits for men, cocktail dresses for women. Definitely ask get your SO to get you more details. The couple should have given some indication of attire on the invitation.
Anonymous
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice, but I wanted to chime in as someone who lives in the South and has family who are rural, and would have that sort of a wedding. Definitely a church-style dress would be your best bet. A fall-esque “sundress” would be perfect and it may be warm so I wouldn’t plan on tights. It can get cool in the evenings so if it’s outdoors, something you can pair with a cardigan would be nice.
Also, I cannot say this strongly enough, do not wear cowboy boots. It is too hard to do well and since it isn’t “you” it could come across like a costume of what you think their family is. Just wear whatever shoes you would normally pair with the dress – can be regular booties, flats, wedges, whatever.
It may be super awkward but I hope you have fun! (And don’t trust your SO’s advice on this too too much…in my experience, what’s appropriate for men means very little about what the women will be wearing)
In House Lobbyist
And just want to add that I have been to several high end outdoor/rustic Southern weddings that were very high end but it doesn’t sound like this is the case here. But rustic party barn weddings are all the rage right now. See if you can check in with a female on what they are wearing. Denim for men can be considered black tie in many Southern cities – country musicians have made jeans and cowboy boots “Nashville black tie” and women will be in fancy dresses. I would probably wear some type of dress with sleeves and booties in a color other than black or white. Check the weather because the fall can be sweltering one day and cold the next. You might need tights or a wrap or bare legs may be fine. Don’t wear heels – you will either have to walk on grass or gravel.
Long Jacket
This is so much wanting a short skirt to go with it.
Pompom
Only if you pair it with fingernails that shine like justice.
CPA Lady
If you need me, I’ll be trading my MG for a white. Chrysler. LeBaron.
Anonymous
And of course, with shoes that cut
Anonymous
I had the skirt suit with this jacket (in burgundy). In 1996. The skirt was short. I wore it with pantyhose and Easy Spirit pumps.
I’m not sure if this is a real double-breasted jacket or just one that flaps around. At any rate, it was not a good look on so many levels, starting with that I this volume in a jacket made 5-4 me look like a linebacker.
Anonymous
I think in 1996 you were SUPPOSED to look like a linebacker, so therefore you were rocking it! Go 1996 you!
Ms B
I had the skirt suit with this jacket with a double-breasted shawl collar (in this color) and gold knot buttons. It was only the second item of business clothing I owned that was above the knee. Purchased from the freestanding Charter Club store in 1994 (when those were still around). I wore it with a cream Evan Picone round neck crepe blouse (with its own shoulder pads), cream hose, and black Evan Picone pumps.
Does that mean I cannot wear it again this time around? Because that color would go great with all the black everything in my closet . . . plus I still have the scarves I put with that suit back in the 90s.
Anonymous
I now understand why my grandma never wanted to get rid of clothes. Everything comes back. Absolutely everything.
I’d go for the jacket if you like it and will get good use out of it. Skip the cream-colored hose, though. :-)
Anonymous
Hahahaha, I love you guys
Bonnie
Definitely can buy similar jackets at every thrift store.
Anon Lawyer
Here’s another where to eat in New York question, which I know are kind of ridiculous. I’m interviewing at Columbia and NYU this week and looking for someplace to have dinnner by myself. Someplace casual where it won’t be weird to be alone but with great food. I’m fine with dives too. I’m staying near the Natural History museum but willing to tromp around a little. Any suggestions?
Anonymous
The restaurant at the ny historical society museum is great but honestly it’s not weird to eat by yourself at any restaurant in NYC!
Anonymous
Not helpful on dinner but if you find yourself with time to spare in the evenings burke & wills about 5 mins from the museum (79th and Broadway) is one of my favorite happy hours in the city. Cheap (and good!) drinks and snacks and super friendly people so would be a great place to go alone
Anonymous
Burke & Wills has a great speak-easy style cocktail bar upstairs called the Cricket Club. You just ask the woman at the door if you can go upstairs.
In the area, I would recommend Celeste (handmade pasta @ a tiny little Italian spot, cash only), Kefi (get the sheeps milk dumplings), or Red Farm (inventive Chinese; they have a great bar to eat at). And grabbing a dessert at Cafe Lalo if you have time.
If I were in your shoes, I might pop down to midtown to go to Totto Ramen or Ippudo Ramen rather than stopping at Jin Ramen.
Anonymous
Not weird to eat by yourself at all in NYC — here are a variety of places I like in that area: Fred’s, Jin Ramen, Peacefood, and The Milling Room.
anon
I really like Kefi on 84th and Columbus. The food is delicious–my favorites are the grilled octopus and the sheep’s milk ricotta dumplings. It’s casual, and there’s a bar area if you’re more comfortable with that. Depending on the day and time, you may want a reservation for a table.
NYNY
Community Food & Juice is a locavore place near Columbia with good food and options for bar seating or a community table, depending on your preferred mode of eating alone, and also sidewalk seating when the weather is nice, which is great for people-watching.
Closer to where you’re staying, there are some good options:
– Cafe Lalo on 83rd street between Broadway and Amsterdam is a lovely Frenchish cafe
– Flor de Mayo (Amsterdam Ave between 83rd & 84th streets) or La Caridad on Broadway and 78th street are great dives of a variety you don’t see everywhere: Chino-Latino food. Flor de Mayo is Peruvian-Chinese and Caridad is Cuban-Chinese. Get the roast chicken at Flor de Mayo, and pretty much anything at Caridad.
There’s a lot more options near NYU and other neighborhoods. Let me know if you need more.
Anon Lawyer
Thanks everyone. This is really helpful!
En Vacances
Travel suggestions for the US Thanksgiving week with my boyfriend, leaving from Boston? Saw cheap flights to Athens but it seems most of the tourist areas on the Greek islands shutdown in November. Morocco has some appeal (and warmer weather!) but not sure that I want to deal with the catcalls and touts on my vacation.
We like hiking, small towns, and good food.
Anonymous
Paris –> Normandy. Full of long walks, delicious foods, and small towns to explore.
Pompom
+1 this is a great trip, too!
Woods-comma-Elle
We did Normandy this summer and it was great, but it will be pretty cold in November!
Pompom
DH and I did Barcelona last Thanksgiving and it was perfect weather. I’d spent a lot of time there, whereas he’d never been, so it was a good amount of time (flew on W, there Th-M) to visit old favorites and give him the “highlights reel” version. The food is fantastic, of course, but there are also some decent outdoorsy things and small towns within a very short car or train ride out of the city. S i t ges, down the coast, is a great small beach town (that doubles as the Carnival/P’town of Spain), Monsterrat is gorgeous, and Gracia, which is a formerly-independent village and now part of Barcelona proper, *feels like* a smaller town.
Might be an interesting time to be there, with everything going on with the independence movement, so be aware.
AIMS
Spain.
Anonymous
I went to Crete in January a few years ago and loved it. It was in the high 50s/low 60s most of the time, and while it was definitely the off season, there was still stuff happening in the three main cities.
anon
Really confused on the Morocco comment? Moroccan people are lovely. I don’t think I dealt with catcalls and touts?
Chicaganon
Depends on where you are in Morocco and honestly how much you stand out. But yes, in some places the catcalling can be pretty aggressive.
Cat
Yeah agree with this — the medina/markets are crowded but I was never catcalled or harassed by shopkeepers/touts. That said, we avoided “The Square” in Marrakech because it just seemed like a big tourist trap.
Anonymous
When I was in Morocco several years ago, we were catcalled constantly, in multiple languages, and several times men followed us down the street, commenting. They didn’t care that we understood them. And everything has to be negotiated, even things with price signs, because there’s the price in big print and then there’s the price in little print, which you have to know to ask for. It’s a gorgeous place, the food and architecture are amazing, and *most* of the people are extremely nice, but it can be exhausting to be a tourist there.
emeralds
YMMV of course, but catcalling is a known issue for women travelers in Morocco. It may not be an issue for the OP since she’s traveling with a boyfriend, but I know SO MANY women who found the catcalling culture to be an exhausting and disheartening part of traveling to Morocco.
Of course, this doesn’t mean “don’t go to Morocco.” This means, “go to Morocco as an informed traveler.”
Flats Only
+1 to this. I think that if you’re travelling with a man, and arrange a local guide so you can ignore touts (ideally your guide will know the local touts, and they won’t want to harass their friend’s customers), you will have a great time and enjoy lovely weather and fascinating sights.
Anonymous
Alps? Lots of great hiking and small towns. Either French, Swiss or Austrian? I forget when the Austrian Christmas markets start but it might be end of November.
Anonymous
or cinque terre in Italy which will be mercifully less crowded then
Anonymous
I vote Nice! The weather should be nice and you can day trip to different cities along the coast (and Monaco)
Echo
+1 I’m going to Nice and Zurich then.
Anonymous
I went to mainland Greece a few Januaries ago and it was great. Mild weather. Rented a car and went inland — Meteora, Vergina, Thessaloniki. This can also be combined with a trip to Istanbul. Highly recommended!
Anonymous
Iceland! You could even catch the northern lights during that time.
Anonymous
I have received a number of phone calls (voicemails) and a business card under the door from an investigator working for a public defender’s office in regards to what I believe to be a stalking case involving an acquaintance from 5 years ago. Am I obligated to talk to this person? I do not have any information to provide and I really do not want the get dragged into this.
Anonymous
Nope. If you were obligated you’d get a subpoena.
Anonymous
That was what I thought. Thank you!
Anon
What harm is it to respond that you have no information? How is that “getting dragged this”?
Anon
* “into this”
Anonymous
But it may not be that she has ‘no information’. She may have information but she does not want to reopen that chapter of her life. I can think of a couple shady guys I dated previously who I am not in contact with at all and would certainly go out of my way to avoid any contact in any format.
Anonymous
No, you are wrong. I have no information but given the allegations I am very scared and want nothing to do with any of this.
Anonymous
If I were contacted about a shady guy who may be stalking another woman, I would absolutely respond given his track record. Shady or not, I would speak with the investigator, even if its to say no information, because I would hope another random woman would do me the same courtesy were I the stalking victim.
anon
If it’s an investigator from the public defender’s office, it’s to help him. Not the victim.
Anonymous
You must be very naive.
Anon
Naive? Not a chance. And if someone was stalking me, I’d hope anyone, and everyone, would be there to support me. Even if the answer is “I have no information”. We as humans owe that to one another.
Anonymous
I do not know what happened so I do not believe that supporting anyone is right. I literally have no idea!
Bonnie
I’ve known many defense investigators who harass witnesses and lie about their statements. Definitely possibility of harm.
anon
+1000.
Anon
You have no obligation to respond at all. If you ask them to leave you alone and not to contact you again, they are obligated not to contact you again.
Anon
“I have no information to offer. Please do not contact me again.”
Anon
It is true that you have no legal obligation to cooperate in a criminal investigation. However, be aware that if you refuse to talk to them informally and they think you DO have information, they will subpoena you, which is considerably more inconvenient and unpleasant than picking up the telephone and calling them. Hostility reads as you know something.
Anonymous
Exactly. The Compulsory Process Clause exists for a reason. A criminal defendant can haul witnesses into court and prior to that, force them to appear for a pre-trial interview. You of course can decide to wait and see if you are subpoenaed, but a call might head that off (depending on what the investigator is looking around for.)
Anonymous
Why would you interpret my lack of desire to talk to someone about a matter I have no information about as hostility?
cbackson
I think the issue is that right now they don’t know you have no information – just that you won’t talk to them.
No view on whether or not you should talk to the investigator, but I think that’s the point being made.
Anon
OMG are you dense? Because they don’t know you don’t have any information because you refuse to talk to them.
Anonymous
I am not dense but you are rude and unhelpful. They got my name from one of the parties involved who definitely knows that I have no information.
CountC
OP, even if the party who gave your name said you don’t have any information, they aren’t going to trust that. They want to hear it from you. I trust that you have very valid reasons to not want to respond, but I doubt ignoring them will make it stop. It’s like to escalate to a subpoena if you don’t respond and say you have no information and tell them to stop contacting you.
I’m sorry you are in this position.
Anonymous
I understand. Thank you!
Anonymous
Just another voice to say that you DO NOT have to talk to them. I would continue to ignore, and if they don’t stop speak to someone familiar with criminal procedure in your jurisdiction.
If they serve a subpoena, check your jurisdiction’s rules on whether it is a proper subpoena. I’ve seen defense attorneys serve witnesses with “subpoenas” that have no legal force – in my jurisdiction a defense subpoena has to be signed by a judge. Also, in my jurisdiction, in a criminal case, neither the defense or the prosecution can make you appear for any “pre-trial interview”.
Anonymous
Thank you so much! This is very helpful.
Anonymous
I second the advice to speak with someone familiar with criminal procedure in your area. As a counter, in my state an attorney can issue a subpoena. It does not have to be signed by a judge and attorneys can subpoena people for pre-trial interviews. You can be held in contempt if you fail to show up. This is a normal part of the discovery process in a criminal case and is governed by our state rules of criminal procedure.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t ignore a subpoena however what’s the harm in waiting to see if they issue one? I may be missing something in which case please correct me.
Sarabeth
I the harm is that you may be more likely to get a subpoena if you don’t respond at all than if you call the investigator and tell them that you have no information on the matter. And the subpoena process will be considerably more intrusive than a phone call.
If you were the victim in the original stalking case you reference, or believe that you might be targeted by the acquaintance, then you should weight that against the potential negative of him misreading your phone call as an invitation for further contact.
Anonymous
Thank you. This is helpful. And this is exactly why I am hesitant to call them back.
Anonymous
It sounds like this investigator is just trying to track down leads or possibly looking for character-type witnesses, and so if you call back and answer their questions and make clear that you don’t know anything about this and are not able to provide useful testimony to either side then they will likely leave you alone and move on. If for some reason they think you know something then they could subpoena you, which will be inconvenient and annoying to deal with. So a phone call could head all that off.
Anonymous
I see. Thank you very much!
O Canada
Canadian ‘rettes, what are your best sites for online shopping? I spent all of Friday night trying to add some much needed items to my fall/winter wardrobe (despite the steamy temps in my part of the country) and aside from The Bay, the Gap and Banana, really drew a blank.
I’m mostly looking for work clothes but open to weekend stuff too. I’d describe my style as preppy/classic but I like interesting textures/details. Work is business casual and I love dresses.
Anonymous
I like RW&CO.
Anonymous
Simons, I mainly got shirts more on the business casual side. But they also have more formal looking stuff. Also Le Chateau, I have not ordered online but have to been to a few stores and liked their stuff.
Coral
Aritzia, jcrew, betina lou, shopgirls
rices
I haven’t ordered anything from them yet, but there is an Australian store called Ever New (dot ca) that looks like it has cute stuff. Not sure on quality sadly.
O Canada
Thanks all, definitely a few I hadn’t considered in there!
Anonymous
Help me decide: cuyana tote in burgundy or black? For travel and work. work look is dark neutrals and black and travelling anything goes.
Anonymous
Burgundy. Black is boring.
Anon
+1
anon
I’m having the same dilemma. I can’t ever get excited about buying a black bag, but I usually regret it when I don’t (especially for utilitarian purposes)!
Scarlett
I caution against burgundy if you ever wear greens, including olive. I always find I feel like a Christmas tree when I have a red-family bag and green outerwear.
Shopaholic
I just looked at the colours online – the burgundy is gorgeous and not too red so I think it will be very versatile!
Anony Mouse
Will it be your go-to bag? If so, I’d go with the black, since it’s more versatile. (I might be biased since I have a black Cuyana tote and love it.)
Anon
How durable is it for daily work usage, including laptop and lunch?
Anony Mouse
I have the Small Carryall, so I don’t use it for laptop and lunch. I usually use it for my wallet, phone, a paperback, a snack and misc small items.
Anony Mouse
I’ve had my bag for 6 months and carry it to work every day. Still looks new.
Stitch Fix Review
Such a disappointment. Three sleeveless pieces- for fall? Everything with a waist had an elastic waist. Yes I wear size 14. And yet I manage to wear grown up clothes every day. Everything cheap polyester. Never again.
Jen
I got something similar with my first fix- 3 sleeveless polyester blouses. I did love the jacket they sent though, and the pants fit despite being a wacky (for me) color. I wrote in my note “it’s fall in New England. Don’t send pieces that only look good stand-alone- I need layers!”
Next fix I loved 4/5 items and the 5th was a huge miss (crazy bell sleeves, cutouts everywhere, way too short). I sent the jeans back because I don’t *really* need them. And kept the sweater, long sleeve shirt and necklace. The latter 2 were a bit overpriced IMHO but the mental and physical energy it would have taken me to shop for them myself was my justification. I’d have spent a weekend day I don’t have at nordies and probably spent way more on other stuff I don’t need.
Fwiw i have a very casual work environment and use this mostly for ‘play’/ weekend wear.
OP Anon for this
Ugh. I was the anon that posted on Thursday about SOs that aren’t interested in marriage. Turns out that it was me he wasn’t interested in – we broke up that night. Took the weekend and was good to myself (kayaking, pedicure, and new lipstick on Friday, plus friends all weekend to help keep me a little distracted). Trying to find the small things at work to do this morning to keep me motivated to keep working. Thanks for all the advice last week – it has cleared up some things in my head about what I’m looking for in relationships.
Anonymous
So sorry. But I think you made the right decision. Hugs.
Anonymous
Oh I’m sorry to hear this. Be gentle with yourself.
BeenThatGuy
Big hugs from an internet stranger!
Anonymous
YOU GOT THIS. you are a strong, powerful person and you will be so much better at the end of the pain
you’re doing a great job!
Anony Mouse
So sorry to hear this. Take it one step at a time.
CountC
Oh gosh, I am so sorry.
Torin
I’m sorry to hear that. Hugs from this internet stranger.
Anon in NYC
I’m so sorry.
cbackson
I worried that would be the outcome, and I know you’re hurt and disappointed. The only upside is that at least now you know, right?
It will be sucky for a while, and you just have to put your head down and get through it. But the sucky part *will* end, and probably sooner than you think.
Baconpancakes
Hugs. I am so proud of you for sticking to your guns. I know it’s hard right now, but future you will be so grateful you prioritized what you really want in a relationship. I’m so glad you were able to take care of yourself – keep it up, and know that we’ve all been there, and it will get so much better.
Monday
+1. It is so much better to be on your own than with a partner who doesn’t want to be there.
Anonymous
I know this is not helpful at the moment, but later on, you will count yourself lucky that this ended when it did, and you didn’t get strung along for years and years. Which has happened to some of my friends.
Be gentle with yourself and keep up the self-care! Big hugs!
Anon
Seconding this. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you but I have a few friends who stayed in a similar situation but if they got out a year or so ago when their partners first vocalized they “didnt know what they wanted” or flat out said they werent interested in marriage they couldve moved on with their lives with their self esteem and self respect intact.
It will get better and you will be better for this <3
Anonymous
So so sorry. It’s very painful. I know. This same thing happened to me. Four months after we broke up I met my husband at a happy hour after work. Thank God I was free of the last guy and was available to meet my husband. We’ve been happily married for 28 years. Someone is out there waiting for you and now you are free to meet him. You are going to have a wonderful life.
M
So sorry. Hugs!
Poshmark?
I’ve seen a few posts lately about Poshmark, so I checked it out this weekend and bought a few things! Any ladies on the hive want to share the link to their closets (feel free to go anon)? I’d love to buy from fellow ‘rettes!
Anonymous
I got on Poshmark a few months ago and have had decent results (better results buying than selling – seems like there’s a ton of sellers and not nearly as many buyers). Overall I like the platform, and they make it pretty easy to sell stuff that would otherwise go to consignment or charity.
https://poshmark.com/closet/hhowdesh
Anonlaw
Seems like a dumb question, but…I need some gift boxes (like the type for wrapping shirts). I see them in stores during the holidays, but couldn’t find any in Target over the weekend…where should I be looking?
AIMS
The container store always has a bunch.
Anonymous
The Container Store? I know they have a wrapping aisle year-round, and probably have a variety of box sizes.
Anon
The dollar store / dollar tree / family dollar.
Anon
Michaels usually has some.
Miami recs?
Headed to Miami for girls weekend in a few weeks. Looking for suggestions on where to stay/eat/drink. Small group in their late 30s- we lean towards relaxation and good food. Not really into clubs or fancy nightlife these days. I looked briefly, but haven’t seen many previous discussions.
Anon
All of the Pubbelly group restaurants are awesome. Yardbird is excellent for brunch. Bazaar by Jose Andres is my favorite splurge. Mignonette is AMAZING seafood and great service and convenient for going out in Wynwood aftet. The Wolfsonian and Bass museums are lovely if you like museums. La Cameronera and Garcia’s ate my favorite casual spots.
Katie
On a similar trip last year my group enjoyed Matador in the Edition hotel. It may be a bit scene-y, but the food was good and varied.
Sunshine
I’m putting together a special outfit for a special occasion with my partner, of the bedroom variety. I want to wear sky-high/str*pper heels, but I don’t want to pay $$$ for them. Any recs for where to buy cheap, impractical s*xy shoes that I’ll probably never wear outside the house?
Anonymous
Amazon.
Sloan Sabbith
JC Penny’s or Target.
Anon2
Pleaser brand shoes. Available on the Pleaser site or Amazon.
Anon
DSW, sometimes.
Godzilla
Cheap af stores, like Rainbow.
Godzilla
Also, Guess.
anon
Anyone have any experience with dyeing a brown leather satchel a burgundy? I have a well loved Coach brief that is looking a little tired. Would like to update it to a fresh colour.
Ms B
Will Coach correct the color for you?
Godzilla
As part of my cosplay, I intended on dying my leather black boots a dark red. The maroon Angelus leather acrylic paint is dark purple/burgundy, which really annoyed me. It’s really straight forward – wipe down the bag with alcoholic, paint with leather paint, put a sealer coat on, presto changeo, new bag (or shoes). There are plenty of youtube tutorials on this.
NYNY
And now I’m picturing a giant lizard destroying Tokyo in full Wonder Woman regalia!
Godzilla
I mean, I could also be Superman…
Sleep
How do you balance the expectations of partners with your need to get enough sleep to perform well? I’m a senior associate in biglaw. When I was more junior, it didn’t really matter if I was tired the day of a dep/hearing/trial because I wasn’t doing much. But now that I’m actually doing stuff, I need to sleep the night before something big so I can be at the top of my game.
Most partners are pretty understanding – the person at the podium has to sleep – but I’m working with one partner who seems to (incorrectly) think he’s invincible. He goes days without sleep or food and it shows in his performance. He apparently expects me to do the same. I’m first chairing a trial with him soon (it’ll be my first time in first chair) and I’m already running on fumes, there’s no way I can continue to get only 3-4 hours a night through trial. I think the answer is I just have to put my foot down so I can sleep but I’m not sure how to do that and not royally piss off the partner. Help?
Torin
I do think you need to just put your foot down, but based on what you describe about how little he cares for his own basic need for food and sleep, I doubt there’s a way you can insist on it for yourself without some blowback. I think you just have to do it anyway. You owe it to yourself and your client to get enough sleep to function.
Anon
I mean this gently, but why is this a question? You know that you need sleep to perform. Your partner is unreasonable. You are an adult human with boundaries. Of course you need to put your foot down.
Anonymous
Because of the reality of law firm life? Of course this is a question
My question is are you really first chair?
OP
So I think you hit on some of the subtext of my question. Without getting too specific, the partner is training me to take over a practice area that’s been his bread and butter for a long time. I think he’s having trouble letting go. He wants me to do things exactly like he does. I wonder if I need to have a come to Jesus to tell him, look you want me to take this over so you’re going to have to let me prepare like I need to, or if that’s overstepping. I’m in a weird spot where I’m experienced enough to know what I need/prefer but I’m not senior enough to say, I’ve done this a zillion times so you need to trust me that it works.
Anonymous
Yeah I think that’s exactly what you need to do. In order to first chair you have to run the show.
anon
I wonder if anon at 10:23 misunderstood “partner” as “husband/life partner” as opposed to “big boss in the law firm”. I’m not a lawyer and I can see how it might be interpreted that way. (And if that were the case, the response makes much more sense – of course you put your foot down with your own life partner in that case)
Sloan Sabbith
Even as a lawyer it took me two reads to realize it was a firm partner not her romantic partner. That explanation would make sense for the response.
OP
Ha! Sorry! I should’ve been more clear.
Fwiw I’ve had romantic partners who didn’t understand my need for down time or who didn’t respect my sleep. They didn’t last long. I’m currently single and omg it’s so wonderful to not come home to someone who’s mad at you for working late, or can’t understand why you want to stay home with a glass of wine and a bath on Friday night instead of partying with his friends, or who won’t go to the doctor or sleep in another room even though his snoring keeps you up all night.
Anon
I’d play into his ego. Say something like how impressed you are that he can go without sleep and food but that you can’t do that and won’t be able to speak eloquently/properly represent the client.
Anonymous
It sounds like he has a drug problem….But yes, put your foot down.
DC
What are you doing in the middle of the night? Does it need to be done, or is it your partner going over the same issue and really there is no additional work? If there is real work that has to be done, can you delegate to more junior folks on your team? In big law, the problem is that you cannot just say “I need to sleep” without a solution as to how the work is going to get done. If it’s just your partner stressed out and going over the same issue, then that is much more delicate and I think you can reassure him/her and say you need sleep.
I’m also in big law, and right before/during something big, we do not sleep when there is work that needs to be done. I always recommend sleeping when you can– if there is a break when you are waiting for feedback or something, make sure you are sleeping! Drink a lot of water to stay hydrated. Get out of your chair every few hours. Take a walk. Jump around. Late at night I play soft classical music and I think that helps. It is expected in my practice that you can go on very little sleep and still perform.
anon
What do people wear with the Eileen Fisher slim system pants? Just ordered them and feel super comfy but wondering what to pair with them so as to not look like I’m a slouchy untucked pajama-wearing employee…
Anon prof
I usually wear their long tanks and a coordinating jacket. It is so comfortable.
Anon
My most common combo with these magical pants is a tunic type silk top from EF and a longer cardigan, from EF or elsewhere. I’m tall and the pants are cropped on me so the proportions look better if I wear long on top.
I love these pants and have them in three neutral colors. Wait, four. Omg.
Very anon
I started dating a guy an few months ago and everything was going great, but then I found out that his parents (in India) are pushing him to get an arranged marriage. If we were going to stay together we would have to get married in a year. We broke up but stayed friends because I couldn’t be sure I would be ready to get married. I wish we could just have more time. Getting married seems like jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Married people, how did you decide when to get married? Did we do the right thing by ending this?
Anonymous
I don’t think the issue here is how long it takes to know you want to get married, it’s an issue of differing expectations in general. He is acceding to his parents’ demands for an arranged marriage on a particular schedule. If you don’t want this degree of parental influence over your married life, then you are not compatible and are never going to be compatible.
Anonymous
+1 I would run far far away from a man from that sort of family background.
Minerva
+1
DesiGirl
I disagree. Parents seeking an arranged marriage is usually this: “Look kid, you’re 30 (0r 35 or whatever). Since you haven’t told us you want to marry anyone in particular, we’re going to go ahead and find you a few potential partners that you can meet and decide if you click with any of them. We’d like to see you married in the next year.”
This happens all the time. Many times the response from the “kid” is: “Oh now that you bring this up, I am seeing this person and we are interested in marriage. Let me introduce you.”
This (with the response) happened to me and my parents are Indian. I was dating someone in the US and hadn’t told them. When push came to shove, we had the marriage conversation (we’d sort of had it anyway but more casually, without timelines) and went to the parent intro step.
Exact same thing happened with my brother and my husband’s brother. In the last case it was more of “Can we get your approval to put your profile up in this Indian matrimonial website to explore some partners? What criterion would be important to you?” And his answer was “hmm… I’m sorta dating this girl so hold off on any potential profiles or matchmaking now. I’ll let you know if it doesn’t work out and we’ll go that route.”
Arranged marriage doesn’t mean the parents pick who you marry. It means the parents identify potential candidates and (except in the most rural outback where many other social ills are also prevalent) you get to meet them and then decide. The parents are only doing what a dating site would do.
Mineallmine
I’m truly glad it worked out for you, Desigirl, but I’ve been the American in that situation, and it did not work out at all for me. My supposedly very nontraditional Desi BF was meeting women behind my back, and when I asked him about it, he said he did it just to make his parents happy but he ended up marrying one of course. It sounds like OP is in a similar situation where the BF is also not standing up to or communicating with his parents for whatever reason. I felt very much like the saying “date American, marry Indian” because American women are considered easy.
Anonymous
You did the right thing. You deserve to spend as much time as you need. He didn’t have your back on that and didn’t respect your needs and will never put you first. I’d encourage you to stop being friends and give yourself the time and space to move on.
Linda from HR
Not married, but I broke up with a guy in college largely because he had a schedule – he wanted to be married with children by the time he was 26. The reality is, he’s pushing 30 and just got engaged this summer, but I did not want to be in a situation where at 25 I would feel pressured to get married and start having kids. I’m 28 and while I am starting to think I’m ready for the level of partnership that leads to marriage, a kids are still not on my radar. So yeah, if someone has a timetable you don’t feel comfortable with, it’s fine to nope outta there.
Anonymous
I’m going to California next week – will be in SF for a couple days, then Sonoma for 2 days, Carmel for 2 days, and LA for a day and a half. Looks like temps will be in the high 60s/low 70s.
I don’t know why but I’m at a loss for what to pack. Jeans, obviously. But what kinds of outfits would you recommend for going out to dinner in SF at night, visiting wineries in Sonoma, and walking around/going to dinner in Carmel? I assume people dress similarly to how they do on the East Coast but I don’t want to stick out.
Am willing to drop some cash on new clothes so feel free to shop for me. I’m 31 and usually a size 4.
Scarlett
It’s generally more casual here than the east coast, this time of year layer – it can be warm during the day and cool off at night. For dinner in SF anything goes, even at the nicest of places so my suggestion is to just wear what you like. It’s eclectic enough that you won’t stand out. That said, lots of hills so flats tend to be more practical. For SF, I’d pack jeans, top that can be layered and will be cool enough for a warm day. For Sonoma, it can still be warmer this time of year, so I’d take a lighter sundress and sandals and denim jacket. Also pack a scarf – most useful thing you’ll have with you. Common day look in SF is jeans, quilted/lightweight jacket over a t-shirt, sneakers and scarf. Evening, dress up the top and swap sneakers for flats or booties. In wine country the tourists tend to dress up more than the locals – doesn’t really matter, just know that if you show up feeling underdressed, you’re probably just going to be mistaken for someone who lives here.
Scarlett
Oh and for LA it’s definitely usually warmer, you’ll want lighter weight things usually – toss in a maxi dress if you have one, that should get you around Carmel/LA and Sonoma
Aurora
Seconding Scarlett, dark jeans, a layering piece (long cardigan, light jacket etc.), and a scarf won’t do you wrong anywhere, and then just swap out your top and accessories for the occasion. Flats and tee during the day, something sparkly at night, and you’ll be fine.
Godzilla
I went to SF and brought so many clothes that I did not wear. Jeans, leggings, and/or dresses if you wear them. They are very NOT formal in the SF area.
Anon
Layers layers layers. Bring a causal dress for wine tasting, and a long cardigan to go out to dinner in the same dress in SF. Also a lightweight scarf/wrap. Prepare for it to be warm to hot during the day and windy/chilly as the sun goes down.
Sonoma and LA are warmer than SF and Carmel generally speaking, but we get a patch of warm to hot weather in October that is hard to pin down, when SF may be just as hot as Sonoma.
As a Californian who spends a lot of time in NYC, I’d say the main difference in CA dress is that you can get away with being more casual. You don’t have to be more casual, but no one bats an eye at someone dining at Gary Danko wearing a Patagonia fleece.
Suits - Jessica Pearson
I’m sure I’m late to the party, but Kat – please do a feature on Jessica Pearson from Suits.
Everything she wears is Super tailored and she has a gorgeous figure but even so, she looks AWESOME.
Anon
I was dating a guy for a few months and everything was going great until I found out that his parents (in India) were pushing him to get an arranged marriage. If we were going to stay together we were going to need to get married in a year. We broke (but stayed friends) because I wasn’t sure i was going to be ready. I’m wondering if we did the right thing. Getting married feels scarry, like jumping off a cliff. Married people, how did you know you wanted to get married.
The Girlfriend
Not really looking for advice just can’t vent to anyone IRL about this…
My SO & I have been together going on 5 years & have lived together for 3. We’ve really happy & stable. We’ve combined finances, have two four-legged children together and have had multiple talks about marriage, children, etc. We’re on the same page – so nothing to worry about there.
The last 18 months we’ve been going through a tight financial situation…they were in grad school so we lived off of my income and then after that I started therapy that was completely out of pocket for us (yay living in a red state with no reason to cover mental health) for a long time. All of this to say, every extra cent has gone to keeping a roof over our heads, meager savings & paying off debt. As of this weekend we’re the only LTR that hasn’t ended in an engagement yet, even with ones that have only been together for a year or two.
All of this to say…I’m exhausted by constantly making excuses and reasons for why we aren’t engaged or married yet or if we’ll ever get there. He hasn’t had any money for an engagement ring because we’ve had to throw everything at debt/living, and we’d be mostly paying for the wedding ourselves so we haven’t gotten to save as much because of life – he has a specific ring in mind that he loves/wants to pay for it himself, and I’m not in a rush at all, so I’m cool with the situation.
He’s the only one who knows that I was in therapy and we didn’t share that we were living off of one income for over a year with anyone (why would we? its not their business). I’m secure in myself, but it still hurts so much when the fiancees & wives tell me that they would’ve given ultimatums or imply that I’m being strung along (we’re in a conservative state where mostly everyone marries & has children young). I tell them that it’ll happen when the time is right for us, that we’re happy and steer the convo away from that topic. It just makes me want to scream that the way I hear about the newest engagement(4th or 5th in as many months) is another woman texting me “I’m so sorry” with a screenshot of the ring.
That’s all. Thanks for listening.
Anonymous
Who is texting you “I’m so sorry” with a picture of someone else’s ring? Whoever they are, they are not your friend and I would cut them out of your life immediately.
Torin
Ditto with the evidently multiple people telling you that they don’t approve of your relationship by saying that they would’ve given ultimatums, etc. These people aren’t trying to help you; they’re applying social pressure in ways that are actively causing you emotional distress.
Anonymous
These people aren’t your friends and/or they want to be nosy. They want to know WHY specifically there hasn’t been a ring/wedding and they’d love the details re grad school, therapy, finances — it’d be something for them to gossip about; don’t give it to them.
Anon
Your friends need to change, not your relationship status.
Anonymous
Oh, this times a million. Who are these women who are sending you sn*tty texts?? That’s beyond. I would try to make some new friends.
Anonymous
Anyone who announces their engagement by texting you “I’m so sorry” and a photo of their ring is a terrible person. Why do you want to remain friends with these people?
That said, to me you don’t actually sound 100% ok with the fact that you’re not engaged or married yet. I’m also in a conservative state where people marry and have kids young and I got a lot of “bless your heart for having a child at your advanced age” (32) when I was pregnant. Was it annoying? Yes. Did it “hurt so much”? No, because I was secure in my own choices. I know you say you are, but I think if you were really comfortable with this decision it would be easier to shrug off these (objectively rude) comments. Anyway, if you want to be engaged, you should talk to your SO. You don’t need a fancy ring to get engaged. You can always purchase a ring later once your finances are in better shape.
OP
Looking at it now, I guess the reason for my post was more about the actions of these women than about my relationship status. I’m comfortable with my relationship status, not comfortable with the bullying. I expected mean girls to not be a Thing by early 30s…but they are alive and well and unfortunately these women aren’t my friends, they’re the wives of acquaintances that I have no way not to be around/cut out of my life – I do what I can to limit my interactions and reasons to be around them. My friends are supportive and wonderful and don’t say things like this and are equally surprised by the actions of grown women.
To be clear – a third party send me the text with the “i’m so sorry” message, not the woman who got engaged.
Would love to tell these women to go jump off a bridge, but not an option and just wanted to vent to internet strangers.
Anon
It sounds like they all assume you want to be engaged and/or married by now. They don’t seem to realize this is a two person decision and you aren’t just sitting around waiting for a proposal. Why don’t you blow their minds by saying that YOU aren’t ready to be married and you hope your boyfriend will still be around when you are ready.
Ms B
I used to tell nosy people (including my mom) that I saw no reason to rush out and get married when I was getting tube steak for free.
That generally shut them up for quite a while.
Anon
YESSSSSSSSS. No woman is going to buy the cow when she’s getting the tube steak for free.
Anonymous
Why buy the whole bull when all you want is the sausage? ;)
sf anon
LOLOLOL. this thread is the best.
H
Your friends and family are being jerks, and quite possibly projecting their own insecurities on you. Ignore them. Only you know how solid your relationship is.
I had a close friend make a comment about how happy she was when she got a ring because she now knew with 100% certainty that her SO was coming home to her every day. My thought was that if she needed a ring for that, there are problems with the relationship.
Monday
Yes, and that attitude is also incredibly naive about marriage. Has she never heard of cheating or divorce?
Anonymous
My friend who is getting divorced because of her husband’s affair with his employee would love this. He was coming home to her at night. And also sneaking off to motels during the day with his employee. The naivete of some people is amazing.
anon
Hugs. I’ve been there. It sucks. While my now husband was in grad school we kept everyone off our backs by telling people that as long as we weren’t married, my income did not count towards his financial aid eligibility. We would also tell people that we were paying for the wedding ourself and well things like paying for a vet bill or mechanic are more important than throwing a party for them.
Anonymous
“we’re broke from buying all of you engagement/shower/wedding presents.”
Seriously, I would not be friends with these people. If I had to be, I’d basically snark them all the time. “Our culture believes in 20 years of cohabitation before marriage.” “I’m holding out to make sure Prince Harry isn’t going to call.” “We’re waiting for the Amazing Race to call about our audition tape.”
AIMS
I went through something similar when everyone I was friendly with from law school seemed to get engaged/married on the same timetable. It was annoying to deal with the “when are you and — getting engaged/married?” questions, but I didn’t want to get married and I was secure in my relationship not needing to be defined by marriage so I would just say “we’re not really interested in that right now, but thanks, looking forward to your wedding. So much more fun when you don’t have to plan anything and just get to show up!” After a while, people got the point and whatever they thought of my choices, they stopped asking. The few obnoxious ones I would just be more pointed with and say things like I think it’s more fun to live together in sin or that I’m really turned off by the whole wedding industrial complex. Anyway, the point is if you are okay with things, this is not really an issue. If someone ever texted me a picture of an engagement ring and “i’m so sorry,” I would respond “why?” …. either your friends are jerks, narrow minded idiots, or they are taking their cues from you.
Anonymous
Your relationship sounds great, you guys sound so emotionally mature and stable, with healthy communication and expectations. As another woman with a ring, I’d trade it for what you have!
SW
First, +1000 to everyone telling you these women are not your friends. Real friends would be happy that you are in a relationship that is stable, loving, and works for you and your partner.
Second, my SO and I have been together for over 6 years. People ask if we are ever going to get married, and depending on how well I know the person asking, my answer ranges from “if we ever decide we want to, then yes” to “why do you ask?” You do not owe anyone an explanation for the way you live your life.
Gail the Goldfish
After about a decade, they stop asking, or (my favorite) forget you aren’t actually married already.. Then they get really surprised when you finally do get around to getting engaged.
tribble
You’ve gotten some good comments here, I just want to hone in on your response to the women who are pestering you – “it’ll happen when the time is right”. When my friend was struggling to conceive, she gave the same response to the gossipy busybodies who asked when she and her husband were having kids. It only emboldened them. Anything that sounds like, well I want this but it’s just not happening right now, feeds into whatever preconceived notion they have about why you’re not [married, PG, whatever]. Don’t crack that door open even a little bit.
Baconpancakes
This isn’t helpful for friends/frienemies, but for family, the “We have a date in mind, but we’re not going to tell you what it is, and every time you ask, it gets pushed back 6 months” response seems to work well.
Anonymous
What would you all wear to a work-related pop music concert? Our outside counsel is taking a few of us. We have seats and are getting drinks beforehand. Work is normally smart business casual, with suits for client meetings.
Case
either nice black slacks or jeans (change into after work) with the same biz casual top you wore to the office.
Blonde Lawyer
Dark jeans, a loose (non button down) blouse, ankle booties with a thick heel.
Anon
Jeans, t-shirt, blazer.
Travel Cosmetic Bags
I am shopping for a set of three travel toiletry/cosmetic bags. I’d like them to match/coordinate but be visibly distinguishable from one another (perhaps by size, small medium and large, or by coordinating but different patterns). I need one for makeup, one for skincare, and one for travel toiletries. The makeup and skincare one are used for home and travel, while the toiletry one is only for travel.
I like the Cuyana travel set– but it’s just two bags. I also love that they can be monogrammed Anywhere I could get similar ones but in a set of three? Maybe a little less expensive than Cuyana would be good, too.
Anonymous
Bed bath and beyond
Anon
Mark and Graham
Anonymous
Stephanie Johnson
Shopaholic
Also check Sephora!
Anon
If you travel by air you’re better off not getting cute coordinated leather bags, and rather getting a bag meant to comply with TSA liquids rules. I like the Emme bag personally. I’ve had both the large and the small. I like the bag size of the small and the liquids size of the large so I mix and match.
Then you can get the cute cuyana bag for the stuff you keep at home or lug around in your work tote/gym bag.
Paris hotel
Hello, Hive! Any recommendations on a hotel or neighborhood in Paris? We will be there for 3 nights and plan to spend most of our days out seeing the sites. I’d rather find a decent place in a centrally located neighborhood rather than something expensive or fancy. Thanks!
Anon
Le Saint Hotel Paris!! Cannot sing the praises of this place highly enough.
Ms B
I like the 6th for its proximity to a choice of train stations, the Quai des Augustins, Les Deux Magots, and the ability to walk to Notre Dame and the Ste. Chapelle.
Anon
We just had our second stay at this hotel in the 5th; excellent both times and fits your bill. The rooms are on the small side, the only con I can come up with. Very close to Cardinal Lemoine and Jusseau metro stops and within walking distance of so many sites. Two that we loved were the gardens and grounds of the Natural History Museum/School of Botany, and Parc Montsouris in the 14th.
https://www.hotel-grandes-ecoles.com/index-en.html
Paris hotel
Thank you all – make that Merci!
Shampoo?
So 40 seems to have brought on occasionally itchy scalp and judging from my trip to the mirror this morning some flakes. Shampoo recommendations? I follow the deva curly hair method of washing using the low poo shampoo twice a week, just conditioner other days. More days with that shampoo or do I need something stronger and will it dry out my curls?
Flats Only
I have curly hair and am over 40. I use Garnier Curl Nourish in the summer, and Redken All Soft in the winter. I was my hair 6 days per week, and it is not dried out, and my scalp is not flaky. In fact, my hair gets drier the more days I go without washing it.
Pompom
I have thick but fine curly-wavy hair, and I do a low-poo thing. I only use shampoo 2x week, and might wet and condition it another 2x during the week. I use a tea-tree oil mint shampoo to keep my already-sensitive scalp in check. The Trader Joe’s brand works well, as does one I get at Whole Foods (Giovanni, maybe?), and they are both knockoffs of an aveda shampoo, I think. In any event, the tea tree oil and mint combo are nice for an inflamed/flaky scalp, leave you feeling clean and tingly, and don’t dry you out any more than others.
Cookbooks
It’s a shampoo meant for kids, but it’s been kind to my scalp and does a good job cleaning–Mixed Chicks Kids Shampoo. It’s gentle, and it’s sulfate and silicone-free.
Alternatively, is it possible that’s it’s product build-up? In which case, maybe using a clarifying shampoo might help.
Ms B
Ouidad nourishing cleansing oil. Follow with regular or leave-in conditioner (or both).
MKB
I have a similar hair care routine, and when itchiness/flakiness is a problem, use JASON Natural Cosmetics Dandruff Relief Shampoo – it’s drying enough that I wouldn’t switch to it full time, but it clears up any problems very quickly.
Anon
I blow dry my curly hair straight so I don’t have specific advice for a curly hair routine. However, I have serious itchy scalp and dandruff and the only thing that works for it is good old head and shoulders. It actually leaves my hair in good condition too. One option is to use head and shoulders on your scalp and your preferred fancy products on the parts of your hair that are away from the roots, assuming you have long hair.
EM84
Check sulphate-free shampoos. If your scalp gts suddenly itchy (especially the day afer washing your hair) and dry and flakey, it may be sensitivity to sulphates in hair cosmetics. ( look for SLS in the ingredients list). Once I switched to SLS-free shampooos, my scalp got back to normal. I think the offer now is quite wide (Wella Professional Elements, Loreal Professional Vitamino Color AOX range, some Redken, Kerastase and Matrix lines as well).
I use Wella Elements shampoo followed by Matrix Total Results Pro Deep Treat mask or Wella Hydrate Mask and little bit of Chi Keratin Serum on towel-dry hair. I wash my hair daily (I work out daily) and my hair is super soft.
Pick up lines
What’s your best pick up line?
Anonymous
Hello.
Works like a charm.
Pretty Primadonna
Yep. Say “hello” and smile.
Anon
“My eyes are up here”
Kidding!
Hello works fine.
Pick up lines
Ok, yes, I know, but a cute guy on bumble asked for “your best pick up line.” I wouldn’t ever use anything but hello and a smile otherwise.
Linda from HR
Has anyone tried Damp-raid moisture absorbing products for, say, a damp laundry room? Or Arm & Hammer’s versions of those products. Currently anything that’s hung up to dry in our laundry room, even if it’s just damp from the washer, can take at least a few days to air dry, they tend to get sour before they finish drying, and lately I’ve just been saying “eff it” and tossing them in the dryer on low heat, usually for 15ish, minutes to finish the job before they get too sour – this does work, and can combat some degree of sourness, but if something really shouldn’t go in the dryer I want to find a way to let it air dry.
I’m thinking a moisture-absorbing product, either something we set on a table or hang up with the clothing, might make the room more conducive to air drying, but I don’t want to waste money on something that doesn’t actually work.
I do often set up a fan in there, pointed at the damn clothes, when I’m at home and awake, but I don’t like the thought of leaving it on when I’m not home, or sleeping.
Anonymous
I have a fan on all night, when I’m sleeping (for white noise ). What is your concern about leaving a fan on ?
Anonymous
What? You’re scared to leave a fan on when you’re sleeping. That’s cray!
I think you’re air drying way too much stuff. That damp rid stuff works pretty well but it won’t help with this it’s just not that powerful
Linda from HR
I didn’t say I was “scared” of anything, don’t put words in my mouth. I don’t like leaving electronic devices on at night unless they serve a purpose like keeping the room cool, helping me sleep, etc.
I’m not expecting it to dry the clothes, that would be nuts! I’m hoping it’ll make the room less damp so the clothes have a chance to dry.
Anonymous
I absolutely leave a fan on expecting it to dry the clothes — for me, it does. I also spread the clothes out (my place looks like it’s decorated in laundry for a day), which generally gets them dry overnight. If your place is super-humid, a dehumidifier might help.
Anonymous
+1 to a dehumidifer
ck
+1
We have a dehumidifier where we hang clothes to dry. It helps they dry more quickly. Agree that you may need to spread out the clothes more if you don’t get a dehumidifier.
Anonymous
The fan is serving a purpose – moving the air so that the clothes can dry. Leave it on.
Anonymous
The purpose it serves is drying the clothes.
Anonymous
Can you move your drying racks elsewhere? My laundry room isn’t large so my drying racks are set up in my guest room (and also dining room if I do a lot of laundry at once).
Cb
Or get heated drying racks. I think the energy usage is pretty minimal.
Torin
It’s so humid in Houston most of the year that clothes hung up to dry take forever to dry unless I leave a fan on. especially heavy fabrics like jeans. So, I just leave the fan on. I’m not sure I see why that would be problematic? Your fridge is on all the time when you’re gone and sleeping, what’s the difference between that and a fan?
JuniorMinion
Yeah – I hang my stuff up in an especially airy bathroom with the fan on and the door open in Houston. That’s all I’ve found that will work…
Anonymous
Get a dehumidifier.
Anon
+1 A fan’s just going to move damp air around.
Mpls
You probably need airflow more than you need a desiccant (moisture-absorbing material). Is there a room than can provide better airflow (more doors, windows) than the one you are using? Are you using the fan to pull (the humid) air out of the room, or push it in (i vote for pulling damp air out)?
It could be that the laundry room isn’t the best space for airdrying. Or your washing machine needs to be spinning more of the moisture out. Or you need to machine dry for a 10-15 minutes to get more of the moisture out first. Or you are trying to air dry to many things in an enclosed space and need to lighten up there.
Minerva
We had a mold problem in one room of our house and now use the really big damp rid buckets in the summer (no A/C). They really do work – but I am afraid that you would be increasing the moisture in the room with the wet clothes so I’m not sure they would be a good solution for your problem. Might be worth a try though.
DesiGirl
I feel like you need sunlight and that would address most of the concerns (dampness, drying clothes, humidity). Drying the damp clothes in there for several days without sun also seems less hygienic (wouldn’t bacteria grow?). It’s unfortunate but I’d suggest hang up the clothes in a different room near a bright sunny window.
Belle Boyd
I hang my clothes in the laundry to dry and run a dehumidifier. Most things (other than heavy sweaters or jeans) dry overnight.
I use Damp-Rid at our camp. I have tried both the hanging bags and canisters. They are intended to work over a long period of time, so if you’re thinking they’ll help your clothes dry faster in your laundry, that’s not going to do the trick. However, if your laundry room is always a bit damp, the Damp-Rid will help with that, and that may help with the time it takes to dry your clothes. I will say that I’ve had amazing success with the product at camp — we had a very wet summer and the closets/underbed storage areas were smelling a bit musty. After a week of using a Damp-Rid canister, things were much better. I always put them out in the winter, as well, when we have things closed up for the season.
For your purposes, I’d suggest getting a dehumidifier. I found one at Lowes for about $125. They aren’t expensive, and most of them will shut off automatically when they are full so you dont’ have to worry about them overflowing.
New to NYC
I recently started working in NYC and need to buy decent boots to commute in the snow/rain. Any suggestions? I would like to spend around $100-$150 but may be willing to go over than amount for boots that will last. I heard Sorels are heavy and tight at the heel and Hunter boots at good, but not warm. Any other options within my budget? Thanks!
BabyAssociate
I use Hunter boots with fleece liners in the winter.
Anon
+1 theres a sale going on a Nordstrom Rack online right now! I just bought my first pair 40% off and theyre great :)
AIMS
In my experience you ideally need two kinds of boots for NYC winter and three generally: regular commuting boots for when it’s just normal cold and we had a blizzard boots. You would also do well with a pair of rain boots for non-cold but super rainy weather. You can buy these over time. I think for the time being I would get a good pair of regular winter commuting boots that will be fine in all but the worst weather and a pair of inexpensive rain boots for when it’s monsooning. You can always wear the rain boots with thick socks after a snow storm to get through slushy puddles and buy real snow boots when you find them on sale (which can happen sooner than later, depending on the weather this year). FYI – 6pm dot com has a ton of winter boots on sale right now, inc. Merrill, North Face and Sorel.
Minerva
For serious snow boots, I love my Cougar boots. They are incredibly warm, but not heavy. Sorels hurt my tendon with their weight, but I don’t have this problem with my Cougars. You can get them at DSW.
NYC Girl
You need waterproof boots. Once the snow melts in NYC huge puddles are leftover and every intersection. I multitask my rain boots with fleece liners. You could also get waterproof snow boots.
Bonnie
I like my Hunters but find them to be worthless on ice. When it is cold and icy, I wear Baffin snow boots. There are a few styles now in the REI garage.
Amsterdam and Bruges
Hi Hive! I’m making a solo trip to Amsterdam and Bruges in October and looking for dining suggestions. Any memorable places, particularly in the museum quarter in Amsterdam? Will I need reservations for earlier dinner times, say 6-6:30, or will most others be eating later? TIA
anonforthis
Dutch eat early, so you’ll need reservations. I’d recommend Foodhallen (food market with no reservations, but don’t go there during the weekend night, it’s way too busy), Yam Yam (Italian), Morgan and Mees (French). Envy is closer to the city centre, but they have great poshy lunch offers.
Sam
No suggestions, but watch the In Bruges movie!
Anonymous
Canadian Corporttes- I’m trying to help my parents book a caribbean vacation for January. They live in Canada. What package vacation sites do you recommend, or is it better to book flight, hotel etc separately?
rices
Air Canada Vacations dot com has a variety of pre-packaged vacations. Westjet Vacations would have similar options as well.
I enjoy using Trip Central dot com for prepackaged vacations… they have a “Classic Vacation Grid” that allows you to select the location, amenities, star rating and approximate date, and you can see what the best deals are across multiple providers!
rices
Oops its Trip Central dot ca. Select Vacation Packages at the top then “Classic Vacation Grid”
Wanderlust
I have had success using CheapCaribbean.com
Pompom
+1
My only caution is this: be aware of their change fees…they are mildly preposterous, so be really sure when you book nothing will change (like, you move in the intervening 10 months, and have to change your flights to a different airport, and they charge you $500 to change, in addition to whatever the expected change in the fare is…)
Shopaholic
I found cheaper packages on expedia
New Job/Books
Repost from the weekend thread:
For those of you who have made a big jump up in your career, let’s say as an example assistant GC of one company to GC of another larger company, what resources did you use to make sure you were ready? Any books you recommend for someone who may make such a jump in the near future? (really getting ahead of myself here but would like to have a list ready to go) And any advice you have for someone making that type of leap? What do you wish you did differently?
Anonymous
Both people I know who did this got executive coaching sessions, paid for by the company.
Website is Jumpy
KAT– The website randomly jumps back to the top of the comments after I’ve been reading for quite a while. Very frustrating and impossible to find my place again. Am I the only one having this problem (repeatedly and for weeks now)?
Pick up lines
Nope. There was a thread about it a week or so ago- super annoying.
CountC
Chrome is auto refreshing today and it’s supremely annoying!
Anonymous
I have thin, fine hair. I recently got highlights (which I’m very happy with) and now my hair feels SO dry and straw-like. What’s your favorite conditioning method? TIA.
Anonymous
Weekly deep conditioning works well for my hair. I like drugstore options- Aussie 3 Min Miracle, Pantene, L’Oreal.
Anonymous
I have straight, fine hair, but a lot of it. I have had highlights for years.
To address post-color dryness, I have usually purchased drug store color solely to use the conditioner inside. I like L’Oreal. Even better if you can find a package on the clearance rack. The conditioner is still the same even if the color was unpopular or the box got squashed.
At the other end of the price spectrum, I have also used Kerastase Aura Botanica.
Anon
L’Oreal Total Repair deep conditioner in the little tub. AMAZING stuff. From straw to silk for $6.
Anonymous
Have your stylist use oil-based color.
Anon
This is me. I try to use color protecting conditioners at the recommendation of my stylist, but I find that they are not super moisturizing. Occasionally I will apply coconut oil to wear overnight and wash in the morning.
Anonymous
Ask for Olaplex at your next highlighting appointment
SA
Anthony Weiner got 21 months in prison. Seems appropriate. Thoughts?
AIMS
I don’t know. On the one hand, it seems like too much to me (I know most will disagree). On the other, I firmly believe we would have a different POTUS if he hadn’t done what he did and set off that whole chain of events so…
Anonymous
It seems like a lot only because most offenders who target teen girls get so little.
Anonymous
And in this case, he was targeted by a teen girl. Not exonerating, but relevant.
Anonymous
No, it’s not relevant. Kids do all kinds of stupid sh*t. The stupidity of children does not justify an adult predating upon them.
CPA Lady
Yeah, no. Children can’t target adults.
Any man who is so weak that he can’t control himself around a child needs to be in prison.
Eh
+1 That’s not a thing– a minor cannot target an adult. Not relevant because it literally doesn’t exist. A minor legally cannot consent. No no no.
tax people
Long shot here… but..
Anyone here a CPA with O&G experience? I am finding guidance that states that % depletion is limited to 65% of net income before NOL carryback. Does this apply to NOL carryforwards as well? I can’t find anything indicating that it does, but hoping to because it will allow the client to take some % depletion. The client is carrying forware a signficant NOL from PY and when I back that out he has plenty of income to take a large portion of his current year % depl.