Weekend Open Thread

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

Despite their lack of pockets, I’m still a fan of my Zella leggings — they don’t come unraveled like some brands, they don’t roll down, they’re opaque, and they’re on-trend and lovely. I’m liking these moto-inspired ones in a greenish gray (also available in black) for that BAMF vibe. Workout, brunch, some light shopping — they could take you far. They’re  $75, available in sizes XXS-XL (but alas, some colors/size combos are sold out). Note that this weekend Nordstrom is offering triple points, so it’s a great time to stock up on basics like denim, lingerie, and other basics. Autumn High Waist Moto Ankle Leggings

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  1. LA people: Is it better to take an uber/lyft from LAX to Simi Valley or rent a car? Going to a wedding in a few weeks. Won’t really need transportation otherwise. Thanks!

    • That’s quite a drive. Expect an hour if no traffic, double that if it’s late afternoon/evening rush hour. It’ll be much cheaper to rent a car, which is what I’d do in that scenario. Unless you abhor driving and are willing to shell out $$$ for a ride, I’d do the rental. Also, this may not be unique to LA but I’ve noticed it most here: note that the “economy” car rental option is frequently a teeny tiny Spark, and for a few dollars a day more you can get a 4-door sedan that may be more comfortable.

    • I’d rend a car, that’s a bit of a drive. Any chance the wedding is at Hummingbord Nest Ranch?! Amazing venue in Similar Valley, so if it’s there, you’re in for a treat!!

    • shamlet96 :

      rent a car for sure. It’ll easily be a $100/uber (each way).

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

      If you are OK with Uber being around $150 each way, do Uber. If not, rent a car as it will be less.

      FYI-Renting a car is painful at LAX. The cars are not in terminal. You have to take a shuttle, and the shuttle can get stuck in traffic for a while and can take a while to come. The air quality is also terrible around the airport, so you have to stand and wait in that. I’d budget at least 45 minutes each way for the car rental process. If rush hour when you arrive/leave, it could be more.

      • Ekaterin Nile :

        I’ll second that. The last time I rented a car at LAX it took FOREVER. It might have been better if I’d been able to skip the line at the counter (e.g. Emerald Club for National or whatever), but it was a huge PITA.

    • If you haven’t yet paid for the ticket, fly in to Burbank instead. Car rentals there are much easier to manage and often cheaper.

  2. I like my Zellas for lounging, but they need enough tugging up during the course of the day that I wouldn’t use them for a workout. Caveat is that I do not have the high-waisted ones, so those might not slide as much.

    • Anonymous :

      I also wouldn’t wear these to brunch. But maybe that’s just me.

      • Anonymous :

        Not just you. I shudder at the thought of wearing leggings to brunch.

        • I Hate Pants :

          Hahaha I absolutely wear leggings to brunch. But not these weird ones that look all tech-y and are definitely made for working out. Just plain black ones. Life is too short to wear real pants all the time.

        • I would but not ones with cutouts. I’d wear opaque leggings with a tunic top or sweater dress.

        • Linda from HR :

          Sounds like a clip of the Activewear parody video. “Active wear, active wear, going out for brunch in my ACTIVE WEAR!”

          I don’t see myself wearing leggings or yoga pants to brunch, but that’s a personal preference. I don’t bother side-eyeing women whose outfits don’t meet my standards.

      • I had to google what BAMF stands for. And lounge pants are definitely not BAMF wear.

      • Anonymous :

        Meh, one of my favorite Sunday morning activities is taking a pilates class with friends followed us all heading to brunch. I wear whatever workout pants I was going to wear to class anyway and just change my shirt for brunch if I got overly sweaty in class. If people want to be judgy, they can go for it. I’d judge them right back if they truly have nothing better to think about than a total stranger who didn’t care to spend an hour and a half blowing out their hair, contouring, and styling the perfect “I woke up like this but not really” outfit just to eat some avocado toast on a “rustic chic” patio table. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

        • I think the side eye there would be less the yoga pants and more the smell…but carry on just try not sit too close to strangers for their nose’s sake.

          • lol and the sweaty rolled up yoga mats touching tables where people eat their food

          • Anonymous :

            This blog gets more and more middle school every week. I am looking at Daft.

        • Anonymous :

          Sweaty and smelly from … Pilates? Shrieking and worrying enough to post about this? This is weird, guys. Our American culture is so weird sometimes.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Ditto. I only wear work out clothes to work out.

    • Anonymous :

      This is probably a really stupid question, but I never wear leggings because I hate my legs. Do people usually have certain sets of leggings for everyday-wear and certain sets for the gym, or do you wear all your leggings all the time?

      • Generally for working out you want a sweat wicking material, while the leggings I typically wear under longer tops etc. are cotton ones from Costco.

      • I have exercise leggings (VS Sport) and street-wear-with-a-long-tunic leggings (Spanx faux-leather and Athleta moto-detail). If you’re having leg-issues, maybe try the Spanx leggings.

        And for the record, I have totally worn the faux leather leggings to brunch with a nice sweater-tunic. I’ve also done the post-yoga brunch… just not hot yoga. Post hatha/light vinyasa? Not that stinky.

  3. Anonymous :

    Hoping to tap the collective wisdom of the group. This week I had an odd experience teaching a training session with another individual. Both of us are recognized as experts in the topic we were teaching but I ultimately was responsible for the entire training and he knew that. We had divided up the respective sections that we were leading. About 5 minutes into the section that I was leading, the other individual stood up, asked if he could interject, proceeded to unplug my computer with the slides and presented the content as he saw fit. I was dumbfounded. He did it again when I briefly stepped out for a client call and left the group with an on-point DVD presentation of the topic. I later talked to him about it. He apologized and acknowledged that he was out of line. My question is – how do you handle those types of interruptions in the moment? I was in shock and didn’t want to make a scene but know I should have nipped it in the bud quicker. Any advice?

    • When he asked if he could interject, you firmly say “No, I’m not finished speaking yet but you are welcome to add anything you would like when I am finished” and keep talking. If he still unplugged your computer, I would state, “As I stated, I am not finished speaking. You need to wait until I am finished.” and then fire it back up and pointedly apologize to the group for your colleague’s interruption causing a delay while you restart the computer and power point.

      • “I’d like to hold all comments until the end” would be another good response I think.

        That was really far out of line for this guy. Apologies are nice, but I would probably never want to work with him again. I mean, he did it _twice_.

        • Anonymous :

          I would *definitely* never work with him again. This is so far out of bounds for professional behavior that I would have been left gobsmacked in the moment, unable to think. So sorry you had to face this.

    • If this scenario isn’t worth causing a scene, I don’t know what would be. My blood is boiling just thinking about it. Two scenes, actually. A small, collected one in front of the group where you sit him back down, and a blowup one in the hallway afterwards where you dress him down properly.

      • So long as you do it in a measured, professional way in person, 100% chance every person in the audience will recognize that he is so out of line and that it’s not you. Ugh. So sorry you faced this.

    • I would probably allow an interjection because I may have misspoken, or missed something, or my colleague is seeing some confused faces and wants to help clarify something. But when the interjection went on at length, or when he reached for the cord on my computer, I probably would have said something like, “Okay, ‘interjection’ not ‘hostile takeover!'” or “I’m not finished yet, please leave that alone.” or something along those lines. And use body language – if you had stepped to one side, walking back into his space and saying, “Thank you for that; I’ll continue from here,” and positioning yourself as the ‘key speaker’ would help as well.

      For now, I would settle for an absolutely scathing note in which you inform him that he was not only out-of-line, but unprofessional, and you will not be speaking or training with him in the future, and will advise others not to do so either, and that he was rude beyond any previous experience and that his behavior during your talk was highly irregular and disturbing.

      • Flats Only :

        Your first paragraph is great advice. But the scathing note isn’t a good idea. She’s already talked to him about it, and he’s already apologized. That scathing note will get passed around, and the OP will look like she’s overreacting. Telling him his behavior was “disturbing” will make her sound like a special snowflake who needs to go back to her safe space and can’t play with the big boys.

    • Anonymous :

      Source: I am a corporate trainer.

      No excuse for this whatsoever. I agree with the suggestions above – in the future, unless you know *exactly* what the coinstructor is going to do, do not cede control of the class to them. This is where doing a complete dress rehearsal really helps – you probably would have gotten a preview of what he was going to do. I realize rehearsing isn’t always possible.

      Never hesitate to assert yourself in a situation like this. Because if this was confusing and uncomfortable for you, it was the same for your attendees. After the first incident, I would have called a break at an appropriate time and pulled him aside to ask if he had any other deviations from the training he was planning to interject. I would have made it clear that he could stick to the plan, or he could leave. And if he hadn’t behaved himself, I would have invited him to leave – in front of the class.

      I am so mad on your behalf. This person is the absolute worst. Do you have any ability to contact a supervisor or someone who has influence over this guy?

    • Anonymous :

      OP here. Thank you all for the responses! I’m so grateful for this forum when I need advice!

    • Everyone gave really good advice but I have to interject with an WHAT THE ACTUAL F7CK?!?!?!? As soon as he stood up and went to touch your equipment, you should have said, “What are you doing? Do not touch my equipment.” UGH. I’M SO MAD ON YOUR BEHALF.

    • Anonymous :

      He was outrageously out of line and unprofessional, but you know that already.

      Honestly, when he unplugged my computer and started on with his content, I would like to think I would have interrupted him and announced, “Folks, we’re going to take a quick stretching break here – please take a couple of minutes to stretch your legs in the hallway or use the restroom as needed. We’ll reconvene in five.” And then say pointedly to anyone who lingered, “We need the room, please.”

      Then tell him when the room is clear he’s absolutely never to interrupt you like that again, and you will resume where you left off.

      I’m a college professor and co-teach with someone who shifts from being my friend to being undermining of me in the classroom. (Once when I was having mobility issues he took my cane, which I had set against the computer stand next to me, and started to do a little dance with it behind me – literally behind my back in a lecture room full of students. Like Mr. Peanut or something, if he were a crazy college professor.) I have sometimes taken him aside after and said, “When you did X, that undermines me to our students. Please stop it.” He gets better but then gets worse.

      I’ve shifted this year to just asserting myself in a natural way in any context where I have the opportunity. We’re reading a dialogue-style text aloud? He gets the supporting role. He goes down some stupid road while I’m lecturing in the guise of asking a question? I say, “Hmm, ok” and keep going. I don’t neg him or toss out micro aggressions or what have you, but I just have no f**** left to give and this guy will have to deal.

      He’s gotten much more appropriate.

      • Anonymous :

        Oh my gosh. I’m at a loss. I’m so sorry and am in awe of how you handle this.

      • I wouldn’t use “undermine” in your admonition. “You’re being rude and unprofessional and borderline harassing. You need to stop it and be professional.” He sounds insane, though.

  4. Dating Apps :

    I just got back on a few dating apps after a hiatus to focus on work and uuuuuggggghhhhhh I forgot how awful men are. So much Peter Pan syndrome, even among the dudes pushing 40.

    Any tips on how to stay optimistic in the slog of online dating, please share.

    • Yay! Open thread’s! I love open thread’s, and apologize to the HIVE for being away the last few days. The manageing partner wanted me to get ALL of my September hours billed before the holiday’s so that I can take some days off. So I did — all 600 hours billed in 3 week’s! And I still had time to go out to dinner 5 times! Of course, I did have to work on Saturday’s to complete my billing’s but I can coast through October 2! YAY!!!!

      As for the OP, I am there with you. Men on dateing APPS are complete schmuck’s, who think they walk on water and truely beleive that any woman that contacts them should AUTOMATICALLY spread like peanut butter on the first date. Can you imagine? My Grandma Leyeh warned me about this and she is over 75 years old! In her day there was NO internet, but she said that when her freinds were being set up with men, the men (who were loosers) had the same MIND SET. Women who call men are so desperate that they should NOT even bother weareing panties on their dates b/c they would otherwise risk looseing them in the car. There was a Arthur Miller movie I watched where the woman who gave men $-x was branded as a loose woman, even though the men who took her up on her offer for $-x were NOT so labbeled. FOOEY! The men who had $ex with her were equally guilty, but guess what? Only the woman was branded as a loose woman. What was she loose with besides her body? The bodies of the men who were huffeing and puffeing on top of her, yet the men excaped scrutiny? FOOEY on that! Today is not to much different. Here at least you get to see a picture of the woman/man who wants to go out with you. And that makes it even worse for the women b/c the men know already that the woman is willing to take a chance, and that emboldens the looser men to really go to town (in their head), imageining that the women will have all sort’s of s-x with them on the first date. So by the time we get there, the guy is warming up to go in for the “kill”, when in reality, we have NO interest in haveing them huffeing and puffeing on top of us at all! That is why the Interenet is so silly. Men who are gross are still gross, and no amount of Internet is goeing to change that! We in the hive must stick together to avoid beeing characcterized as loose women just b/c we are willing to go out with a looser! When we are smart and strong members of the HIVE, we are INVINCIBLE! YAY!!!!!!!

    • If it makes you feel better, there really are nice guys out there, and they’re saying the same thing! I just had a guy friend over last night and I commiserated with him over his latest epic bad date. He went on a second date with a woman who chose a restaurant where the tab was $400 after tip. He nearly choked when he saw the check and asked if she would split it with him and she said no, the gentlemanly thing to do would be to pay for it, and then called him an a$$h0le for suggesting they split it. $400. For a second date. It’s awful for guys, too. She then texted him afterwards and continued to call him an a$$h0le…but with a winky face, because that makes it all better. Seriously, it’s awful for guys, too.

      • Anonymous :

        Yea, my bf went out a date with someone who is in a highly respected company/visible position and on their second date (double date at her request) she left him and the other dude on the date in a bar and went and did coke/shot up heroin/something terrible, got dropped off by a known drug dealer (smallish town), and proceeded to tell him she hadn’t taken any drugs when he asked what she was on in case he needed to tell paramedics if she collapsed. No third date despite her calling him. She is still an exec.

      • To play the devil’s advocate, obviously she should not have called him a name, but didn’t he go into that date, intending to pay, and knowing how much the restaurant was going to cost? My opinion is that if you can’t afford both meals, and there is a mutual expectation the man (or one of the people in the couple) pays, then he/she shouldn’t have chosen to eat there. At that point you swallow your pride, understand you made a bad call, and swipe the card.

        • Anonymous :

          It sounds like the woman suggested the restaurant and he had no idea how expensive it was. I mean sure, he could have googled it but I still feel terrible for the guy. Nobody should suggest a $200/person restaurant for a second date unless they fully intend to pick up the tab.

        • It’s possible that she also ordered more expensive items (particularly wine) than he would have ordered. Or he may have had an inaccurate impression of how much the restaurant cost–DH and I recently went to one of our favorite restaurants, and the prices had gone up AND they had made sides a la carte. The tab was about $50 more per person than we expected. (Of course, $350 and $400 are both crazy for a second date.)

        • Who said he was intending to pay?? I never go on a date assuming the dude will pay all of it.

          • Mineallmine :

            Same here. The idea that men should always pay is unfair to them, and for some men gives them entitlement issues, even if it’s just for another date.

    • ME TOO.

      Related question: what do people talk about on dates? I recognize that this shouldn’t be hard, but it is.

      • Anonymous :

        I ask questions and then build off responses. Ask about hobbies, places they have traveled, where they grew up, school, have they read/watched anything interesting lately, etc.

        I can have a two hour conversation with a brick wall, so I admit this type of thing is easy for me. But, if you aren’t a talker, ask questions – most people like talking about themselves and then (hopefully) will also ask you questions built off of yours.

        • It’s funny – I can be chatty, especially with an extrovert or chatty person, but if you put me with an introverted, non-chatty person, it’s awkward city. I also have trouble with conversations where there’s no give-and-take, which happens on dates more often than I’d like.

          • Anonymous :

            Ugh, this. I once had an hour and a half brunch as a first date, and the guy didn’t ask a single question about me the entire time. I had to pepper him with questions about literally everything in his life, including the details of his dog’s recent dental cleaning (no joke, there was nothing else left at that point). The one question he asked me was at the very end, when he asked when we could go out again. Um, no.

      • I always make the first date a one-drink date. Low pressure and I can make small talk with anybody for 30 minutes.

        – Where are you from? (I live in DC and nobody’s from here.)
        – Invariably this ^ leads to questions about childhood (“oh, did you enjoy growing up with [corn for Nebraska, etc]?”
        – How many siblings do you have? Are you close to them? (Not being close with family is a deal breaker for me.)
        – Where’d you go to school? What do you do? Are you using your degree? (I’m not and it leads to funny discussions about childhood aspirations.)

        • Huh, that’s an interesting deal breaker. Like, what if someone has a crap family? They’re probably not going to tell you that on a first date and you’re just going to dismiss them out of hand?

          • Anonymous :

            Asking about siblings – totally fine. But deal breaker right off the bat if they aren’t close? That seems like a bit much. Sometimes there are very normal reasons why people aren’t close — like a sibling who is 20 yrs older/younger or has moved off to the other side of the world and you see them 1x every 3 yrs; and then there are more personal family reasons that people don’t want to get into with a near stranger.

          • lawsuited :

            Not wanting to deal with family angst is pretty reasonable IMO.

          • Anonymous :

            Yeah, I’m not close with my only sibling because we have diametrically opposed values and he’s kind of a jerk.

        • S in Chicago :

          Yeah. My husband had the best mother. She was like family to me until the day she died. But his sister is an absolute B. They’re now estranged since both parents have passed. He’s a wonderful husband and father (and community member, employee, friend., etc). You couldn’t find anyone more lovable and loyal to folks (other than the the sister for absolutely just reasons). Seems odd to ding someone just because they had the luck of a cruddy sibling.

        • And not to pile on but just as food for thought- my husband is an only child whose parents and (small) extended family are clear across the country. He is closer to me and my large, wild brood of a family than his own. It makes things logistically easy- his parents come to us or we do virtual holidays. We instead host at our place or drop into one of the bazillion things going on with my family.

          • As in- he was the best man for my brother-in-law (my sister’s husband) and my brother and their weddings. He didn’t (and wasn’t excepted to) fly ‘home’ for his own uncle’s funeral but was a pall bearer in my uncle’s.

        • Or, to add more to the pile-on (sorry!), I’m quite close with my family, but there’s some definite dysfunction and I’d rather not share on my first date how I feel because it might come off as crazy.

          I think those from tight-night, healthy families have a hard time understanding why you might not be close with members of your family. I know it took awhile for my husband (who comes from a very close, very functional family) to understand my situation. Give them a shot!

    • Anonymous :

      I especially hate the ones who you match with and then they immediately unmatch you. Or worse, the ones on Bumble who match with you, wait for you to send the first message, and THEN unmatch you. If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t swipe right and stop wasting my time.

      • Mineallmine :

        It’s annoying, but basically the guy is just swiping on everyone and not even looking at the profile until someone messages them. They’re lazy and useless, so consider it a gift that they unswiped you!

  5. If you’ve only been at a job for a few months, but you get an offer that’s a million times better (more senior, more responsibility, higher compensation, more opportunity for growth, all around the next level and dream-job status)? Ordinarily I would think it’s a no-brainer. I’ve read Ask A Manager’s thoughts on job hopping, and think I’d be fine there. Consensus so far from talking to different friends and colleagues is you have to go for it, you don’t owe them, what would a man do, etc. and not worry too much about feeling guilty or disloyal to your current office. What do folks here think? Have you gone through something similar?

    • There are always exceptions to the rule. If this is clearly better for you, take the new job. Handle the exit as gracefully as possible.

    • Anonymous :

      you said, “Ordinarily, I would think it’s a no-brainer” but you didn’t finish the rest of that thought. I would expect that statement to be followed by a “But in this case …” What is “but in this case” for you here?

      • (OP here) …But in this case, I haven’t been at my current office that long, management is good, and work is interesting. If I had passed, say, the 2-year mark, I’d feel much better about moving on.

    • Do some serious research first to make sure it’s as good as it sounds. Don’t overlook any red flags because you have a vision of what you want it to be. And if it is great, do it, knowing that you will probably burn a bridge but in the long run it will be worth it.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s generally accepted that you can leave one job after a short amount of time, you just shouldn’t do that repeatedly. Unless there’s a reason to suspect this dream job is unstable (like it’s at a start-up or something like that) and you might not be there at least 1-2 years, I say go for it.

    • Anonymous :

      Do it.

    • Legal Aid Lawyer :

      I feel like there was recently an ask a manager entry about something similar. Her take on it was, do what you have to do for yourself, but also realize that the bridge will likely be burnt with your current employer.

    • I went through that earlier in my career when I had not been successful finding work in my desired field for 6 months. I took a job, not intending it to be short term but after 3 months, my dream job did come up. It worked out great, and now I don’t put it on my resume (but you might have to on background checks). As long as you are otherwise a good worker, it shouldn’t be an issue. Sometimes, quitters win!

  6. I got mixed thoughts about this from the AAM community, so I would like your input! I’m a recent grad who would like to leave the job I’ve been in for 1.5 years. For a variety of reasons, the job is a tremendously bad fit for me, but I took it because I was familiar with the company and thought it would lead to a career after I felt like I had no direction when I decided not to pursue law school. (Yes, I am one of those people who had their life planned out in college and completely changed their mind after graduating). I’ve been looking for communications positions for several months but have been had absolutely no luck. I was a comm-related major, but since I spent a lot of college internships focusing on law-related positions, my only communications internship experiences focused mainly on writing and event planning, and not the marketing that companies seem to want. Anyway, I am a finalist for a position that is not communications (though it has some communications duties). It would be a mainly admin position, but I feel it would give me a lot of new skills and experiences I don’t and couldn’t get in my current job. I guess I feel guilty because I had a glowing performance review, my boss loves me, and we’re 8 weeks out for our big event which I have a huge role in planning, so the timing is not ideal. On the other hand, in addition to the new duties, the new job would give me a drastically shorter commute (45-60 min. to less than 10), as well as an in with the large public research University that I really want to work for. The pay would be about the same, maybe slightly more. I guess I’m just feeling guilty and anxious that this position isn’t exactly what I imagined, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to find anything better at this point. So, what would you do?

    • Anonymous :

      I would do what is best for me – take the new job if I get the offer and it’s not a pay cut. The business you work for now existed before and it will exist after you and you have been there over a year. Good managers understand and support their employees when they want to expand their skill set even if that means moving on to a new position.

      • Anonymous :

        +100. I would also wait to see how the timing will work out. Depending on how fast the new job moves, it may be that your 2 weeks notice will extend past the big event. Or it may be that you can ask to start the new position later (i.e. 3 or 4 weeks after accepting), so that you can stay past the big event. Or it may be that you have to leave before the big event, in which case your current company will be fine.

    • Anonymous :

      I would take the new job if offered. The commute difference is huge plus the opportunity to move into other positions at the university once you are an internal employee are significant opportunities for you. Depending on the hiring timeline for the new position, it could even be after the big event at your current job. Universities and governments are notoriously slow with the admin of hiring people.

    • You said your current job is a tremendously bad fit for you, and this potential offer seems great. I would absolutely take the job. Heck, I would probably take it even for a small pay cut given the shorter commute. From what you wrote, I don’t see a single reason that would make me not want to take the new job.

  7. anon for this :

    I’ve always been somewhat high strung, but my normally manageable anxiety has been kicked into high gear by a series of life events: new job, selling a house, tension with my partner (who has his own job stress). I am having physical symptoms like sleeplessness, rapid heartbeat and loss of appetite that I don’t normally have. Does this mean it’s time to seek out medication or therapy? I keep telling myself this is an unusually stressful time, so just wait for things to ease and see if the symptoms will die down, but I also don’t want to ignore it if it’s serious. At the same time it would be a hassle to try to find a doctor and work in appointments now. Help?

    • Anonymous :

      My thought is always why should I have to suffer through this if I don’t have to? This is a treatable condition and you don’t have to treat it forever. Trying to tough it out doesn’t make you a better or stronger person, it just makes you a person who is not seeking treatment for your situational (and possibly underlying) anxiety.

    • Have you tried any “home” remedies? I have experienced relief from cutting way down on caffeine and social media, increasing higher-intensity exercise, and making an effort to unplug with low-stress leisure activities like re-reading favorite YA novels.

      • I’m an anxiety sufferer, and I knew I needed to seek help when things like this didn’t work for me anymore. (And the only thing that did work was 2-3 glasses of wine per night, which scared the crap out of me.) If the usual, fluffy destressing things don’t do it for you, then it’s time to call in the professionals. And my life changed so much for the better once I found a therapist who was my ally in managing my anxiety.

    • I think medication could help… something to ease the anxiety, get you to sleep and take the edge off. The one I am on is seroquil. It’s not phyisically addictive like attivan or sleeping pills, but you could become habitually dependent I suppose. I have been weaning off of it since I have been doing better with my depression, but still need it from time to time or else I get snappy/edgy from overall stress and lack of sleep.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Do you have a GP? If yes, I would start there. I would not go through the steps of finding a therapist at this point, but I think an initial doctor’s visit would be warranted.

    • Anonymous :

      Self care helps me. Hot baths, glass of wine, rereading a favorite book, massage therapy, yin yoga, a long run. Indulge yourself as much as possible.

    • Sounds like some of my hyperthyroid symptoms (rapid heartbeat, lost weight, insomnia, shaking legs and hands, extreme body heat, etc) before I was diagnosed. Go to your GP and get some bloodtests done. My GP missed it, btw, so insist on a test. It can get pretty bad fast and is often triggered by stress.

    • I went through this recently and was so relieved and at peace when I finally admitted to myself that I needed medication. Do what works for you, but don’t suffer unnecessarily! You’re going through a lot as it is.

    • I would start with your doctor to make sure nothing is up and that you are in the best possible condition for handling these temporary stressors. Review any medications you are already taking (the pill can cause high cortisol and did for me!). You may need extra nutrition if you’re stressed and sleep deprived. For me this would mean a good B-complex multivitamin and magnesium.

      I personally would be hesitant to try an SSRI for situational anxiety (I know some people have good and even life-changingly good experiences with them, but in a worst case scenario you trade temporary relief for a variety of very long term side effects; same for antipsychotics). Benzos get a bad rap but they are better than drinking!

      I’m just speaking from experience, so take this with all the grains of salt. But you will get through this!

  8. Car to office outfits :

    I need an 0utfit that would be comfortable for a 5 + hour drive and then straight to a meeting. Actually, I need 2 outfits: I have a meeting when I drive there, and the next day before driving back home. High 60s for weather, business casual.

    • Anonymous :

      I would go with black ponte pants, a short sleeve shirt, and a slightly contrasting blazer (that I would not wear in the car).
      Although almost all of my regular black trousers would be perfectly comfy in that situation.

    • Are you driving by yourself? I’d wear leggings or whatever in the car and then change pants in a Starbucks or something close to the destination.

      • Car clothes :

        I am going with a male coworker and will be very pressed for time. Leaving at 7 am for a 2 pm meeting. He is planning on doing what first responder suggested: blazer in back seat of car. I’m not sure that trick works as well for women’s clothing but could be that I haven’t found the right blazer yet.

        • What trick? Lay it flat in the trunk or on the back seat and it’ll be fine. I do it all the time. Put a cardigan on for the ride and switch when you arrive if you don’t want bare arms. I also usually wear comfortable footwear if I’m the one driving – and sometimes that’s flip flops – because I hate driving in heels.

          • Car Clothes :

            The “trick” I am talking about is how men can somehow throw on a blazer over any sloppy ensemble and pass go but I’m not sure work wear is as clear cut for women? Usually I have a blazer that works well for some things and less for others and requires a little more forethought as to what I would wear underneath.

          • The blazer trick absolutely works for women too. Ponte pants and dresses suddenly become work appropriate with a nicer jacket on top.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Wear whatever you want for the first 4.5 hours of the drive. Stop and change into your regular meeting clothes in a bathroom somewhere and then drive the rest of the way.

    • Anonymous :

      Probably depends on how casual your office is, but in these situations I do a jersey dress and flip flops for the car ride, and then when I get there change my shoes and put on a blazer.

      • Halloween :

        Same, sometimes with ponte instead of jersey.

      • I was thinking some kind of stretchy dress as well (usually a wrap dress). That’s always my go to when I’m not feeling well so I want to be comfortable but still look professional and put together. Comfy shoes–whatever that means for you (i.e. if you’re the driver, I would wear sneakers, but if you’re the passenger, some flats would be fine.

  9. Self-Eval?! :

    I have my first formal performance evaluation next week and am working on my self-eval right now. Any tips? I know not to underscore myself (giving myself a good mix of “meets” and “exceeds” expectations).

    • Anonymous :

      Realize it’s possible your manager may have forgotten some of your contributions and provide a good summary of what you’ve done, adding numbers or specifics where you can.

      • Yes. I have a large team. The more you can do the work for me, the better. remind me what you did all year. Add metrics if possible. Then I can rubber stamp your eval and get you the merit increase you deserve without having to do much justification myself ;)

        The people that tend to get the best reviews from me are those that put effort into their review. That may also be related to their overall work product. IANAL (I’m a division head in a software company) so YMMV.

  10. NYC-area rettes – hoping someone can help me out with this. I’m in the beginning stages of wedding planning, and am trying to get a very, very rough estimate of how much an open bar would typically cost (per person, per hour) if we use an outside caterer (the venue is just a space rental, so we’ll be hiring caterers for food and drinks separately). I’ve seen hugely variable estimates, so getting a couple of concrete data points would be very helpful. TIA!

    • Flats Only :

      Can the caterer supply the bartender/ice/glasses/limes and you buy the booze yourself? Much cheaper without the caterers markup. You can find calculators online for how much to buy for x number of people.

  11. Halloween :

    There was some discussion of Halloween costumes this morning, but I wanted to see if the hive had ideas for the best costumes to wear at work. Social committee is encouraging us to wear costumes and I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but I also don’t want to wear giant fairy wings or tiger makeup all day.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve seen a lot of witches. You just need to wear a black dress and black boots, and then you can add and take off the witch hat as necessary throughout the day.

    • How about Cleopatra cuff, collar and belt? You could wear the whole thing with a work-appropriate black dress.

      • For example

    • Anonymous :

      Somebody here once suggested suit + red horns = the devil’s advocate

    • Cat/other animal ears and call it a day.

      Halloween print scarf.

      Or something witty, related to your industry. I work in software and occasionally people come as things like server farms or data cubes.

    • Anonymous :

      Three-hole-punch [yourself]. Taken from three-hole-punch Jim, from the Office.

    • Business suit + inmate number on back of jacket = inside trader.
      Jeans + sports jersey + sports hat = ________ fan ( fill in blank with favorite team, works for all sports).
      Black leggings + boots/booties + white tunic + belt + pirate hat on your desk = pirate.

    • I’ve seen some kind of cool, semi-realistic looking skeleton t-shirts lately. I’ll try to post a link below. It’s not super festive, but I’m debating wearing one of these with a black pencil skirt and calling it a day.

  12. Halloween 2.0 :

    Piggy backing off Halloween’s question above, plus-size ladies, what are your favorite costumes?

    I’m going to a big fancy Halloween costume (where some people will rent really expensive costumes, others will just go all-out on the home-made variety), but last year when I tried to go to an enormous professional costume rental place, I could find almost nothing in my size (20). Ended up with a stretchy Renaissance-style dress which was fine but un-memorable– whereas I’m a go-big-or-go-home kind of person!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      I DIY. I try to stick to DIYing one piece (usually a hat type thing) and constructing the rest out of real clothes.


    That is all.

    • Winterfell :

      It’s been near freezing and rainy here all week. I just want typical fall weather, please.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m a little south of you and I hate it too!!!!!!!!! It was so lovely and fall-like a week or two ago and now it’s topped 90 degrees two days in a row. It’s late September, I WANT FALL!

    • Anonymous :

      I absolutely agree. I am quite tired of summer.

    • Anonymous :

      Seriously. Our “feels like” temp is 103F right now! (in Minneapolis)


    • Also in Chicago :

      Other than when I was standing on the L platform this morning, I love this weather. I was putting blankets on my bed a few weeks ago, and now this! I wish it would hold for another 2 to 3 weeks, but you should be getting some relief by mid-week.

    • I felt like that three weeks ago and now I’m SO COLD. Sigh. What happened to fall? In my town it went from 100 and blazing sun to 50 with wind and constant rain.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      Toronto has a heat advisory for the weekend. I am SO OVER THIS.

    • Anonymous :

      Only upside for me personally: I finished up some paint touchups on my front porch. It’s that warm. It was a sweaty slog for my lazy self, but I did get it done!

  14. Book Recs :

    Does anyone have any great book recommendations for an upcoming long vacation? I love Ken Follet and got a recommendation for a book on SAC Capital that sounded interesting. I’m in finance and feel like Im sometimes pretending to know what I’m talking about, so bonus if they’re interesting and give me something to talk about with clients/coworkers! I’ll be mixing some true beach reads in as well.

    Thank you!!

    • Anonymous :

      Have you read Code to Zero? That’s one of my favorite Ken Follets and is one of his less well known books.

    • Anonymous :

      What’s the SAC Capital book?

      • Probably Black Edge. It’s worth a read
        If you haven’t yet read it, Red Notice by Bill Browder is also great and even though it was written a few years ago, now very current (first half if about his investing life, second about his lobby for the Magnitsky Act. )
        In fiction, Homegoing is heavy but great

        • I agree re Red Notice. Highly recommend!

          It was written in the 90s, but The Making of an American Capitalist (about Warren Buffet) is also great.

    • If you are in the marker for an easily read non fiction book with interesting conversation foder; Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari. Beware, though, that if you’ve read a bit William Gibson it may not be as mindblowing as some find it.

    • Arundhati Roy :

      “The Hungry Tide” by Amitav Ghosh, fiction set in East India… you will have lots to talk about for years! And an easy enjoyable read.

  15. New Job/Books :

    For those of you who have made a big jump up in your career, let’s say as an example assistant GC of one company to GC of another larger company, what resources did you use to make sure you were ready? Any books you recommend for someone who may make such a jump in the near future? (really getting ahead of myself here but would like to have a list ready to go) And any advice you have for someone making that type of leap? What do you wish you did differently?

    • Received the recommendation for Michael Watkins’ First 90 Days here; it was helpful. I found his other book Your Next Move slightly more helpful for my situation

  16. Anonymous for This :

    In the space of four minutes, one of my clients sent me 2 emails and 2 voicemails. All four told me she would not be bringing me the documents I requested AND asked me to prove I’m a lawyer.

    1. I already told you I am a lawyer when you’ve asked. Twice.
    2. I already told you my qualifications. Multiple times.
    3. Google me. I’m google-able.

    You know that GIF of the dude blinking and shaking his head? Yeah. Not pleased. I had two people read my email for snark I was so grouchy about it.

    • You have to prove to your own client that you’re actually a lawyer? Oy.

      But I get the frustration. I’m a labor and employment lawyer. Some years ago I settled a retaliatory discharge case – for much less than the plaintiff wanted originally, because he had, um, not been forthcoming with me about many of the facts (and disappeared crying during his deposition and didn’t come back for two hours) – and I could not get him to get back to me about whether final written agreement was acceptable or when he would sign it. Finally, he said he needed his attorney to look it over before he could sign. Um, dude, I’m your attorney. Check the court records.

  17. family fail :

    I’m still in biglaw and have two young kids (one of whom got sick this week). This week, I feel like I’m drowning more than usual, plus there was been some additional work and house drama.

    And then I get reamed out for not taking an hour to fawn over a family member b/c her ex got remarried to the girl he cheated on her with.

    I get it that she feels awful. I didn’t know that this was even pending until a day before it happened (via a message). I have barely kept my kids clean and fed this week (I just ate my lunch and I’m on east coast time).

    I hate everything right now. Stick a fork in me; I’m done.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m so sorry. I hate weeks like that – where you already feel like you’re drowning and then people start throwing rocks at you. I also get it from my family when I am seen as “not supportive enough” – the last time this happened, I pointedly told my mother that if we want to talk about “support” – at least I am “supporting” myself and she does not have to “support” me financially, as she is doing with my brother. So if she needs “support” and the request is urgent, perhaps she should call him. The issue was not an emergency and I didn’t have time that week to listen to her complain about others.

      I hope you are getting some good rest this weekend and doing something fun. That young-kid, sick-all-the-time phase is no fun, but it comes to an end. My tween rarely gets sick any more and now can bring me tissues and watch Netflix with me when I’m sick. It gets better! Big hugs.

    • I had a client repeatedly email and then call me yesterday because she sent an email at 9 AM and I hadn’t answered it by 11 AM. On Saturday morning.

      And the email wasn’t even to me. I was cc’d. Like, even if I were just sitting in front of my computer at 9 AM on a Saturday, I wouldn’t have actually thought some response from me was required.

      This job – and people – s*ck sometimes.

    • PhD single mama :

      I’m getting flashbacks to rounds of hoping for the same support my mom and SAHM sisters gave each other or needing to do my thing right when they wanted attention. Contrary to cliches about nobody ever wishing they’d spent more time at work, when I look back on that era of my life with my kid, my big regret is not taking action myself on the things I was saying to them about the added difficulty their demands were piling on me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      Besides being clothed and fed, your kids are seeing how to keep going when it isn’t easy. That is a fantastic lesson that many don’t learn until much later in life at all.

  18. lawsuited :

    So, with a new baby who’s bedtime routine keeps getting earlier and earlier, my husband and I don’t have time to cook in the evenings. We have a crock pot collecting dust and I figure now is the time to become crock pot people! What are your favourite crock pot recipes? (We eat everything.)

    • Anonymous :

      Real Simple magazine has a wonderful kale and sausage stew served with olive oil mashed potatoes. This is a weekly menu item for me during fall and winter. Link to follow.

      • Anonymous :


        I usually omit the tomato paste just because it is a pain to measure, and I have tried many different kinds of sausage, not just sweet Italian. All are tasty!

        • This is why I buy tomato paste in a tube! Easy measuring and no 3/4 of a can going bad in my fridge!


      • Shepards Pie. I also use a Real Simple recipe you might be able to find with google. Also soups.

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Salsa chicken: drop chicken breasts + salsa into the crock pot, shred chicken when it’s done. Great for burritos or burrito bowls.

      Pulled pork: pork + rootbeer or whatever really, shred when cooked, add bbq sauce, eat on a bun.

  19. Cannot really share this in real life (not at work, unless I want to create bad blood)
    I was surprised yesterday by a very generous salary increase! And not only that – I found out that there will be one at the end of the year and then one more in March, which will be at my 1year anniversary of my new position.
    He funniest part is that my ex-boss told me that she had this planned for me and told this to me when I was promoted to the role. TBH, at that time, I thought she was just mumbling empty promises and I am not really motivated by money, so I forgot.
    But it was a nice surprise and definitely a great start of my weekend!
    There. End of bragging.

  20. I’ve never been to New York and was thinking of going this Dec/Jan during the holidays. Is there a hotel that is recommended, mid price range, in a central location? Thank you,

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I am not sure what is considered mid-price for NYC, to be honest. My last trip we stayed at The Refinery in the Garment District which was perfect for walking everywhere. We paid around $400/night BUT I see they have some specials on the first week of January for $188 for a studio queen. The rooms are small but luxurious, the restaurant is great and they have a very popular rooftop patio.

    • I’d expect higher prices during the holidays. That said, I really like The Lexington (a Marriott brand hotel). Decent sized rooms, walking distance to midtown shopping but not in a overly busy part of town (I think around 49th and 3rd). Good restaurants and an Essa Bagel close by. It’s typically one of the least expensive Marriott properties in the city.

  21. Thrift Shopping Victory! :

    Just had to share… this made my weekend.

    Stopped by the Goodwill on the rich side of town and found these exact pants, in my size, don’t need any tailoring: https://www.31philliplim.com/brand/pencilpant-ltwtwool.html

    I have a conference coming up in Colorado in November and the winter work clothes I have from before I lived in Florida are comically outdated (apparently I took my fashion cues back then from Agent Scully?). Since I won’t be heading north in winter again for work again probably for another 20 years or so, I figured I’d try the GW first. Between the pants and a few other pieces, I’m all set for <$30! I'm a pretty good thrift shopper, but I never make out this well.

    • Anonymous :

      Nicely done! I was just thinking I should swing by the thrift store today since I’m at the halfway mark of a weight loss goal and I’m feeling tempted by pretty clothes but should probably wait to buy really nice things until I’m stable at the new weight for a while. Your story is getting me out the door!

      • Thrift Shopping Victory! :

        Do it! Reward yourself for the intermediate goal. Halfway there is a big deal! Congrats.

  22. Chicago Law :

    Chicagoans: on my way home from work yesterday I saw a soon-to-be opening permanent MM LaFleur Show Room in River North! Mixed feelings: I love MM LaFleur and this is in walking distance from my office, but I don’t want to have to make an appointment and deal with a stylist to shop there.

  23. Not a lawyer :

    Planning to spend this week doing research in the library at Clerk of Courts in a Florida county this week. How do I dress? Banana Republic pants and a blouse? Bare arms ok, if I take off whatever is protecting me from AC?

  24. Sorry. This is not a reply but I don’t know how to start a new thread. Long time reader but never posted before.
    Would appreciate readers’ help.
    I have a friend with whom I have travelled several times. I always forget how much I dislike it!
    Most of my travel has been solo and I love travelling alone. I need to get out of travelling with this friend, who is incompatible with me in so many ways.
    We have just returned from an expensive vacation that I didn’t enjoy at all. I plan to do the next one solo.
    We have many friends in common and play on the same sports team. I know “dumping” her will cause ructions but I can’t face another trip with her.
    I know y’all will probably say just do it, but I am dreading the fall out.
    Any advice appreciated.

    • PhD single mama :

      You already know the best advice–just do it, maybe starting with something she’d dislike, but get those tix now.

      Is her fear that she’ll lose you as a friend or is she afraid to travel alone? If it’s the latter, maybe you can show her blogs and resources for solo women travelers and help her plan and get over the fear. Then when you each get back from your solo trips, you can share them with each other, so your friendship still has the travelers moniker–just not in one boat.

      Good luck!

      • PhD single mama :

        This blogger has posts on topics like “why I travel to romantic places alone”. http://www.oneikathetraveller.com/why-a-solo-vacation-is-the-best-self-care-a-woman-can-give-herself.html

    • I am in the same situation than you.
      After a terrible holiday with this person I have decided only going with her when we were in a large group.
      When she has suggested other plans for the season I said that I was triying to pass a profesional exam before the end of the year and If I were succesfull I will treat myself with a trip to a place I know she cannot come. You can use that one or use demanding work, family problem, whatever.

      In my case, what I have done now it is to bought flight tickets for my trip and if the topic come up as she requesting to join I would say that “This is a life experience I want to do in my own”. It is not about to convince her to go in her own, it is about you having the freedom to travel as you want with or without company.

    • Anonymous :

      I guess I don’t understand why you cannot avoid traveling with her without a big scene. If there is a trip you want to do, just don’t mention it to her and buy your tickets. If it comes up after you have purchased, just admit that you need a trip for time alone/self-care. It doesn’t have to reflect on her — just tell her you have to do some solo travel. And repeat as needed.

      I have done this when I thought traveling with a particular person wouldn’t be fun. I have one friend who still brings up five years later a trip I went on that she wanted to join. I wanted to be free to do my own thing and really just needed a solo trip. She didn’t love that I didn’t invite her, but we are still good friends and it is not a big deal.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 Just make your plans, buy the ticket, and go. Or tag a trip for yourself onto some other trip — go to X for work, and then spend the week afterward in Y before heading home. If she makes a big deal about “You went without me,” you can just tell the truth: “I know it’s weird, but I need solo travel, and realized it doesn’t happen unless I just do it.”

  25. I have a 2 week break Dec/Jan. Was thinking somewhere warm like Puerto Rico, but that’s now out. Any other ideas for somewhere warm that you would recommend?

    • Anonymous :

      My first choice would be Colombia, followed by Nicaragua and Costa Rica. It won’t be hot, but significantly warmer than where I am (northern plains US). But if you are up for a longer flight, Buenos Aires is also lovely at that time of year.

    • What do you like to do? Hawaii is similar to PR in that there are beautiful beaches but also a lot of non-beach stuff to do. Turks and Caicos and St. Lucia are some of my other favorite Caribbean islands.

  26. Bewildered med student :

    Help! I’m a size 18 med student looking for a blouse for under my suit for interviews this year, and there is almost nothing out there. I was hoping for a soft blouse button up in a couple different conservative colors. Anybody have resources?

    • Anonymous :

      About the same size. I have had good luck with Talbots. Dress Barn may be an option but that store is always hit or miss for me.

    • Thistledown :

      I’d look at the Ravello top from Boden- the colors change all the time, but I think they have navy and ivory right now.

    • Anonymous :

      I don’t love the way soft button ups look under suits usually. But agree with talbots- lots of basic shells and they have soft button ups too although they may all be print.

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