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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A black-and-white printed top is a great basic to have on hand to pair with a colored pencil skirt or a black or gray suit. The price of this Proenza Schouler top is bit higher than I would normally spend on a jersey top, but if you’re looking to make some closet upgrades, or are willing to spend a bit more on something that will be versatile and unlikely to go out of style anytime soon, this might be for you.
The top is $350 and available in sizes XS–XL. It also comes in a really pretty pink-and-red print. Floral Print Jersey Long-Sleeve Tee
Two more affordable options are from Reiss (straight sizes; $72 on sale) and Daniel Rainn (plus sizes, $78), both at Nordstrom.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Cara
I would love to get some advice on a job search plan I’m thinking through.
I’m at a job where I had a good title, good salary, but am currently doing the work of 2 people and not properly supported. For those reasons plus a few more I would like to move to a new job in early 2021. I’m a computer scientist on the east coast if that makes a difference, and I’m in a management role and would like to stay in one.
There’s a large project at work that I’m doing and that it would be good to be involved in for my industry, so I definitely don’t want to leave before that project is done towards the end of the year.
Poking around the job search sites I’ve founded some roles that I would be interested in. But if I apply now that seems way too early – I doubt they would be willing to wait until December minimum. I also would like to learn about being a computer scientist (being vague here intentionally) in industries other than the one I’m in.
Is it worth it to try and do some networking now? Don’t start anything until October? I figure it’ll take some time (a few months?) to go from seeing a job to interviewing to getting it, and that that may be longer with coronavirus, but also don’t want to start pointlessly early.
Anonymous
If things economically are as bad as folks are predicting, I’d also weigh the “security”of staying put. The worst would be to leave for a job that disappears in months. You know best what demand is like in your industry.
Anon
it is never too early to start networking because networking should ideally be an ongoing process, even when you aren’t job searching
Anon
I think it really depends on the industry types you’d be aiming for.
What city are you in? If you’re in DC for instance, and interested in anything government related, I’d start now, for sure. Similarly if you’re interested in generally pivoting career paths, doing some informal coffees/networking now could be helpful just so you have a clearer idea of what you want to do.
Cara
Thanks! I’m in the nonprofit world but I’m also getting a bit tired of somethings so I wouldn’t mind getting out. But I would definitely like to take my time finding a good fit and talking to people about each company.
Do you say to start now mainly because the process can take longer with government related roles?
Heather
Hi Cara,
Right now, I recommend that you get your resume and LinkedIn profiles in top shape. With LinkedIn in particular, now is the time to reach out to colleagues for recommendations. Those can take a bit of time to come in.
I also recommend that you start signing up for job alerts from some of your favorite companies. Read through relevant ones once a week or so to get a good feel for what skills and experience is most attractive. You can optimize your resume and LinkedIn for those skills.
Start expanding your LinkedIn network. Send invitations to anyone you have worked with, remember from college or other groups, or who lives on your neighborhood. You want to be able to leverage the power of their networks and doing this work before you are ready to start networking is helpful. The last thing you want to have happen is having to send a connection request and then immediately ask for a favor.
I’d kick off your job search in October. I’m a former recruiter and usually would set expectations with people that a job search can take a few months. You want to network when you are ready to move forward. If someone gets excited and wants to refer you, you don’t want to have to tell them to wait.
I hope this helps!
Anon
I had a realization last night that I’ve significantly mellowed out over the years, to my detriment.
I used to be quietly intense – I had a great work ethic, I was very driven, I was mentally tough and I would never back down from a challenge. Now, I’m much more passive and complacent. Not only did I prefer my personality when I was more driven and hardworking, but I think it’s starting to impact my work and my personal life.
I feel like these are traits you can’t teach (and I was certainly born with them, I’ve just lost them along the way). But, how do I get them back?
Anonymous
IDK and not the answer, but I had a course of prednisone recently and felt like my drive had come back to its prior state. Sadly, just chemically-derived (and it was exhausting once the prednisone tapered off). But it was handy for getting work done to be able to crank at 100% on 3 hours sleep and also have the metabolism of a 15 year old.
Anonymous
Yeah this all sounds disordered and unhealthy
anon
That’s an unnecessarily rude comment.
Anonymous
No, why would you say I did drugs?
Anon
Hugest of eye rolls to our misguided moral police this morning.
Anonymous
What do you think your constant eyerolls are communicating besides you’re a self-important hoity-toity?
Senior Attorney
Ha! We had to give our dog prednisone years ago and it made him dig holes in the back yard all day. Sounds similar to what you experienced!
Anonandon
FYI predinsone associated manic episodes are a thing.
Anon
I think what you are experiencing is normal. As we age, we get sick of the BS and don’t want to fight all of the time. Maybe you are more carefully picking and choosing your battles? I hear you!
anon
Oh wow, I totally feel this comment. You’ve got me wondering if my life didn’t exactly turn out as planned because I mellowed out and am just sort of along for the ride (rather than driving my own destiny) or if I mellowed out as a coping mechanism to stave off any disappointment from things that were out of my control. Fascinating philosophical discussion to have with myself sometime…
As for getting it back, I’m clearly no expert but what about pinpointing one area of your life that you’d like to reclaim and starting there? For me, that would be taking a more active role in my dating life (i.e., seeking out partners who interest me rather than waiting for them to come to me). It could also be taking an online class, picking up a challenging hobby, applying for a promotion at work — anything to remind yourself of how good it feels to conquer something new. And if it doesn’t pan out, learning to be resilient is a great lesson as well.
OP
It might be age related, but I’ve swung too far in the opposite direction.
My drive was all internal. People knew I was disciplined because they could see it in my work and my life, but it was never a reaction to external forces.
If anything, I choose more battles now than I did when I was younger.
I’ve mellowed out much that it’s impacting both my work and my personal life though. I really need to find a way to dial it back in.
Anonymous
Is burnout or depression possibly a part of this?
Or, burnout, depression, and long-term stress exacerbated by unprecedented global events?
OP
Pretty sure it’s not depression but possibly a long drawn burnout. I’ve been on this complacent path for probably a year or two now.
I was very burnt out this spring and am now recovering from it, which made me realize that I’ve become a different person that I used to be.
Anonymous
You’re using words like complacent and mellow against yourself, as if they are Very Bad things. It doesn’t sound like what you’ve experienced is “complacency.” If you ended up very burnt out this spring, and something was going on for a year or two before that, it sounds like you weren’t on a “complacent path,” but on an “overloaded, stressed, wearing-out path.” Very different things.
As you are getting some rest and renewing energy, you’ll want to understand what part of “very burnt out” was caused by the way you approached life, and what part was caused by circumstances outside your control — you don’t want to pick an approach back up that led to burn out in the first place.
Also be aware that sometimes when you really, genuinely burn out, coming back from it is a long process, and your former drivenness may never return in the same way. You may need to figure out what areas you need to dial half-way back in, which you can continue to let slide, and which one or two need more focus. But go slow . . . burnout is a real thing; if it was a year or two coming, it can take more than a few months to recover from.
OP
I wouldn’t say that this is necessarily burn out though.
I was burnt out this spring, like everyone probably was but this change has been happening for years.
To me, being complacent in my life is a very bad thing. It’s not how I enjoy living. I enjoy living a more intense life. This isn’t just work related, for example, I’ve gained weight because I no longer push myself in workouts very hard. I used to be a D1 athlete and would think nothing of running 6 or 7 miles. Now I quit after 2 because it’s unpleasant.
I guess it’s just that I was someone who never took the easy way out and now I only take the easy way out and want to change that. Do I need to go back to being as intense? Probably no. But an 80/20 split is a good goal.
anonymous
This post resonated with me. I feel similarly to OP and have been wondering where my “get after it” attitude went and how I can get it back. I’m 33 and working in a job that I like well enough but am not passionate about. My work ranges from boring and tedious to fairly engaging, and some of it is really interesting. I went through several very busy years that were like a wrecking ball to my personal life. I didn’t go on vacation, hung out with friends infrequently, basically did not date at all for two years, never had time for hobbies, exercise was limited. I broke down about a year ago and my work load has decreased to reasonable since then. Yet I still don’t feel like I have my old drive to work. I thought I would have recovered by now? I still feel blah and just cannot get excited about working on a new case or client matter, billing good hours, getting approval from the partners. I just don’t care. When I was much younger in my career I didn’t really understand the downsides of working as much as I was. Now that I have seen what it’s like to live the way I did…. maybe I’m just much more resistant to experiencing it again?
mellowing
I’ve felt this as I’ve gotten older and the “next step” is less clear. I’m mid-30s and I’ve been struggling with on and off feelings of coasting vs. hustling for a couple of years. Going through school and early in my career, I was a super driven, over-achiever in all areas of my life. I knew the definition of success, I knew the path to get there, and I knew the actions to take to progress on the path. So I just did that, faster and harder than most people. And I was successful (and I still am, by all accounts). But at some point, all my successful friends and I looked around and said, “Um. Is this it? Do I just… keep doing this forever?” And now that I’ve had more exposure to what a VP or C-suite exec does all day, and what their lives look like, I don’t actually know if I want that anymore. It’s weird to feel like I’m still ambitious and I want to be a person who “makes it”, but if I don’t want what’s at the top of the ladder anymore, maybe I should focus on something else?
I’ve had a similar realization about my hobbies. Again, throughout school I was a varsity athlete, and I’m still active and fit. But I don’t actually have time or headspace or desire to be “elite”. I was checking the box in the gym for a solid year because my body performs like I want it to, I’m fine with how it looks, and if I really want to get the last 5%, I’ll have to go 110%, and I just… don’t want to.
All of this to say, maybe it’s not that you’ve mellowed too much, maybe it’s that you realized that pushing harder and faster isn’t going to actually give you what you want. Maybe what you want has changed. And if that’s ok with you, then choose to be content and happy vs. thinking you’re supposed to be this hyper-intense version of yourself. I have found that when I’m getting complacent vs. content, it’s helpful to put some rigor into my day. Get up at the same time (even while WFH during covid), track my calories in MyFitnessPal, aim for a certain number of walks per day, make a to-do list of work things, set goals for submitting articles for publication or conferences, etc. Whatever the stretch activity is for your life or job, do that thing, even just a little bit. I find that tracking my calories makes me push harder in the gym and visa versa. That submitting articles pushes me in my day job and visa versa. “Do the thing” is a pretty powerful way to get yourself back to feeling forward movement, which should give you the push to keep doing more forward movement.
Anon
Maybe you need a hybrid approach. I’m laid-back when it comes to career (I want a decent paycheck and that’s it – I plan to retire early), but I have more intense hobbies and I enjoy putting my energy into those instead. It doesn’t really bother me that much to have a slow workday, but I hate the feeling (which has sadly been SO amplified by this pandemic) of sitting on the couch all weekend. I feel dramatic saying it, but it feels like waiting to die. To get away from that feeling, I need to go do things like backpacking, hiking, skiing, traveling, and other sports that require some skill, preparation, and mental energy. Then coming back home to relax on the couch AFTER the adventure is 10000x more satisfying. Maybe something like that would work for you.
Anon
That’s a great idea!
I’m only a few years out of school and already took a detour with my career when I left DC and returned to my home city. I’m in a field that is at times very fast paced, intense and exciting but at other times is boring. I’m trying to figure out how I fit my career goals into my new reality (all the jobs I want in DC, I will never live there again). I truly like what I do and I want the big exciting job but it’s hard to find outside of DC.
I like to be challenged, I like to work towards something and enjoy accomplishing it, and I truly believe the sign of a well-lived day is when you’re out when your head hits the pillow because you lived that day to the fullest. I haven’t been living a life like that recently, but maybe I need to seek that satisfaction elsewhere. Deep down I know that I’m someone that if I’m not firing on all cylinders, White knuckling through a challenge I’m not as happy. I’ve kind of lost that edge and I want it back!
Agreed that spending a weekend on the couch is just waiting to die! As a kid my mom always knew when I was really sick because that was the only time I’d lie around bd watch TV.
OP
Thanks all for helping me figure this out. This conversation made me realize that I’m an all or nothing kind of person. For the first 23 years of my life I was all in, for the last 3 years it’s been much more nothing.
I just need to flip the switch to go back to being all in. I’m happier when I’m living a more pedal to the metal life, but need to get back that drive and remind myself what what it’s like to embrace challenges, put in a hard days work, and push through when things get tough.
Anon
Recognize that there are seasons to life. If you’re only 26 you’ve got a long ways to go and things are going to keep changing over time.
OP
I understand what you’re saying but I’ve identified that this is a change I want to / need to make and just need to figure out how to do it
DrivenDreamer
Oh man, do I resonate with this. It does seem like maybe some burn out and also perhaps the new rules of life post 25. It was easy for me to hit all my milestones in school and early adult life, but I struggled with making my own goals after I did all the things you’re “supposed to do.” Have you read “The Confidence Code” by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay? This book helped me a lot in understanding why I seemed to be losing momentum after about 27 or 28.
Also, for me, I became severely burned out by work AND personal life. I was going after all these goals that other people had defined for me and I just COULD NOT after awhile. I woke up one morning feeling trapped, stuck, and empty. I become quite ill after I developed an autoimmune condition and have taken a step WAY back; I am saying no much more. The extra space has allowed me to define the direction I want to go and my drive is slowly returning.
Cleaning Schedule
WFH has made me realize how dirty we have let our home get over the years. Our every other week cleaner kept bathrooms and kitchen clean and floors washed, but being here All.The.Time has made me realize that I need to get into a deep cleaning routine for things like windows, baseboards, light fixtures, the garage, etc. Any good sites or blogs for advice on how to develop a schedule to attack this and then maintain it, maybe on a yearly basis? Tip, tricks and resources welcome.
Cb
Honestly, if it works for your budget, I’d up your cleaner to weekly and have them tackle those projects. Our cleaner is amazing, she’s here for 2 hours every week and honestly, it’s not quite 2 hours worth of work (2 bed, 1 bath flat, and my son’s room stays really clean, it’s just changing the bed and sweeping the floor) so she tends to tackle a variety of projects. Once she was at loose ends and refolded everything in our linen cupboard but sometimes I’ll leave her a note asking her to do something specific (base boards, etc).
To be clear, I don’t demand she works the full two hours, and have definitely been fine with previous cleaners leaving as soon as things were finished, but this cleaner doesn’t feel comfortable with that.
Anonymous
You don’t need to be apologetic about expecting an hourly worker to work the full two hours you pay for.
anon
I think a lot of cleaners give a quote based on the job and not the number of hours. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever hired a cleaner that was based on hours–though I have no doubt that is part of their quote calculation. I have lived in similar regions during my adult life but it’s been the same in Houston, Austin, and Atlanta. It’s also the same in San Antonio according to friends of mine. Point being–I think it’s a fairly common set-up. In my experience, it’s a defined job with defined pay vs. defined number of hours with a pay per hour.
Anon
I think Cb is in the UK so it may be different there
PNW
There’s a book called Home Comforts that is encylopedically thorough about everything home making and housekeeping (written by a former lawyer). It has good checklists for suggested cleaning schedules – weekly, quarterly, seasonally etc. It’s also a fun read if you like that kind of thing. It came out probably 20 years ago, I still read my original copy and often give it as a wedding gift.
Anon
+1
I love this book.
EAE
I love this book too.
No Face
Not the OP but thanks for the recommendation! I’ve wanted something like this.
anne-on
+1 I have and love this book! I especially appreciate that it takes the focus of ‘caring for your home and your things is an investment that helps keep them working well longer’ not ‘this is your job as a woman to manage all the things!’.
Aunt Jamesina
I periodically re-read parts of this book to relax. It’s strangely therapeutic (and quite informative!).
Anonymous
Go Clean Co on Instagram
mclawyer
There is this woman on YouTube, How Jen Does It, who has this thing called Zone cleaning. She divides her house into different zones (i think 8) and cycles through 1 zone per week. The Zones include tasks that don’t need to be done all the time but need to be done every few months (dust light fixtures, clean out fridge, baseboards). She breaks each zone into 5 days and does 10-15 minutes a day. I liked her method but my fiance and I try to tackle one zone every Sunday instead of a little bit every day and it has worked for us. She is a stay at home wife though so YMMV but I like her.
Anonymous
OP here – thanks all! Great suggestions. I am trying to save $$ so don’t think weekly cleaner is in the picture but book and online sources are great. Thanks!!!
Elderlyunicorn
Apartmenttherapy has some good tips and they do a yearly Spring Cleaning guide … a different task each day.
https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/collection/spring-cleaning
Cb
Any recommendations for a dense chocolate cake? Bonus if it doesn’t have dairy or can use a dairy substitute? I love both Smitten Kitchen’s Vegan Chocolate Cake and the Black Girl Baking Fluffy Double Chocolate Cake but they aren’t dense enough to support decorations. My son wants a chocolate cake with a tractor for his birthday but the tractor just sinks in those cakes.
Anonymous
It has eggs in it, but the nigella Chocolate Orange cake is super tasty and dense.
Cb
Eggs are fine! I made the Nigella lemon polenta cake last night and it was fab.
anon
For this time of year when the zucchinis are coming out of the garden, I love my Chocolate Zucchini cake…it is an oil based cake so no dairy, has a couple eggs and the zucchini makes it extra moist. Let me know if you are interested and I will post my recipe.
zucchini overload
please post! lots of zucchini around here as well…
Flats Only
Instead of a denser cake, can you adjust the decoration? Is the tractor sitting all alone? Or can you add a little sheet of fondant dressed up as a meadow / farm / etc. so the tractor has a base to sit on that spreads its weight? Fondant’s available by mail and easy to roll out. It comes in many colors.
Cb
Ooh that’s a good idea, I was going to use a green sprinkles to make fields and have a vintage Duplo combine harvester for the top.
Anon
If you stick a straw or two in your cake and set the tractor on top it’ll prevent it from sinking. Big layer cakes typically have similar supports for structural reasons.
Anonymous
You can poke plastic drinking straws into the cake to support the weight of another layer or decorations. Just trim them to the height of the cake and put them under the wheels of the tractor.
Cb
Thanks for the ideas! That is a really good thought.
Cat
Aren’t most box mixes non-dairy? And are reasonably sturdy once cooled?
Good old Betty Crocker just has you add water, eggs, and vegetable oil. For a kid birthday cake at an age where “put a tractor on it” is the goal, I wouldn’t be whipping up a from-scratch recipe!
Cb
No shade to the box mix, but I do love to bake. And I’ve created a little gourmand, my soon-to-be 3 year old chowed down on a citrus polenta cake last night.
BB
This should be dense enough to support decorations: King Arthur Flour Original Chocolate Pan Cake. And it’s dairy free! Also really moist and delicious and ridiculously easy.
2 Cents
Omg love this cake!
Ribena
Smitten Kitchen’s buckwheat chocolate cake!
AnonATL
All the flourless chocolate cakes are extremely dense ime. You could maybe also do a fudgy brownie recipe and call it a cake.
Anon
I just found out I’ll be starting a certificate program (which will likely lead to grad school in the near future, I’m using this opportunity to be nail down what I’ll study in grad school) next week.
It’s been a minute since I’ve been in school (and though I did well in undergrad, I didn’t have the best school habits then). What should I be doing to make sure I do it right this go round?
It’s only a 5-hour a week commitment, so that should be very manageable with work. The program is at no cost to me, but I have to do well both for myself and so that future employees from my company are selected for the program. My industry is small and reputation is everything. If I underperform here I will tank my reputation at my company, limit my chances to move elsewhere and likely future applicants from my company will not be selected for a few application cycles.
The original Scarlett
Be present and focus on the class for yourself. Sounds like you have the time and motivation, which is 90% of the battle. I’d recommend dropping the catastrophic thinking around succeeding so others can get in/the company reputation – never have I ever seen that to actually be a thing
anonshmanon
Crash course study skills on youtube covers the basics. I didn’t develop strong study habits in high school, but just listening was not enough in college to get by.
Anony
I assume you’ll be doing an online program? If you’re WFH currently, it should be easy for you to get back into the ‘school’ routine. I just finished up an online grad degree in January and the one thing that made a huge difference was having an office at home where I could take the class and work on homework. I was also able to work on homework during work since my degree was directly related and no one minded, as long as my other work was completed. The weirdest thing for me was getting used to taking exams online and someone watching me via Remote Proctor Now. It felt so invasive and creepy. If you’ll be doing group projects, I highly recommend dialing in on who you get along with/ work well with/ other high performers. I went through my 2.5 year program with the same cohort and was able to typically work with the same group of 5 throughout. It made school a lot better and group projects much easier. You will do fine!
Anon
Online dating manners?
I’m new to dating apps. I’ve been using Bumble for a few weeks with not much luck. I downloaded Hinge over the weekend, which appears to have a lot more activity in my area than Bumble. My question is this – after I’ve matched with someone and chatted a bit, I sometimes realize that it is not a match and I’m not interested. Is it commonplace to simply unmatch that person and move on? Should I send a final message first and wait until they respond/I think they’ve seen it before unmatching? Unmatching erases the message thread so I’m not sure what good it would do if they didn’t see it yet. Am I overthinking this? I have this weird paranoia that I may run into rejected matches one day (I live in a pretty small city) and I don’t want to be completely rude.
Other dating app commentary – I’ve noticed, at least on Hinge, that men with complete opposite political views from my own will attempt to match with me. I’m just a little surprised at how often it happens. Also, I feel like some men want to meet in person very quickly, often with no regard for the pandemic. We will chat back and forth a few times and they are already wanting to get a drink or go for a walk – I’m like back up, I don’t even know what you do for work yet! Also…there’s a pandemic? I’m not dining at restaurants yet.
Denise
No advice just commiseration. . .I asked a few guys what their favorite movie or tv show was I thought as an ice breaker and more than 1 immediately replied “come over to my place and I’ll show you”. No other conversation at all, just that. So may have to retire that ice breaker.
Anonymous
Idk, could be handy to continue if it helps weed out the undesirables.
Anon
So a lot of men swipe right, or the equivalent, on everyone or almost everyone. Women get tons and tons more matches than men do — I had male friends who were on the apps when I was and we compared notes (and apps) and were amazed at the difference.
As for unmatching, I did it when the conversation died out on its own, usually without sending a final message. There were a few times I did send a final message and say goodbye — I was having a great convo with one guy but he works an odd schedule and I have a kid from my prior marriage, and while we were trying to plan a date I realized that there was only one day in any given 2 week period when we would both be free, and neither of our schedules were likely to change. I’m in a huge city though and not very likely to run into any of these people so YMMV.
anon
Possibly controversial but I would unmatch without explanation. I personally dislike receiving messages about why someone isn’t interested in me — ghosting seems like the most humane option IMO.
Monday
+1. Silently unmatching is fine, and I really doubt anyone (sane) would think anything of it if you later met for other reasons.
I think if someone has been super disrespectful, it’s ok if you want to say so before unmatching. It’s not for him, it’s for yourself.
Dating advice
There’s no set etiquette. But my philosophy is to treat others the way you’d like to be treated on dating apps. I don’t like being ghosted and want firm understanding of when a match has run its course. I also don’t want long, drawn out explanations of why I’m not a good match.
So I would send a brief message to matches along the lines of “hey, it was great to meet you, we’re not the right fit, but I wish you the best of luck in finding what you’re looking for.” I’d unmatch after they responded or after a reasonable period of time.
As to your second point: in my experience, it’s far more efficient to meet people in person fairly quickly. I realized that some people wanted to have long, emotional conversations in writing, but we’re emotionally closed off/never let things develop in person. I also found that I frequently connected with folks over writing, but felt no spark in person. Meeting in person helped me more quickly determine whether a person was a good fit for me, and thus let people move on if they weren’t. I’m not sure how to adapt this advice to dating during a pandemic, though.
CountC
+1 This is how I do it, but like the poster below, if the guy is disrespectful, rude, etc., I unmatch without saying anything.
Online dater
2nd – I would say “It’s great chatting with you but I don’t think we are a match. Good luck out there.” I used a similar version when I didn’t want a second date. Some guys told me they really appreciated my response. Others just unmatched. A few got aggressive in questioning me and I just unmatched them. Keep at it — it’s a numbers game. I used Bumble and after dates with 12 different guys I found my current relationship — we have been together for 9 months. Two books that really helped me were 121 first dates and Love in 90 days. Some good strategies in there.
Anonie
It looks like I’m in the minority here but I remember my dating app days well (I am now engaged to a perfect-for-me man that I met from Bumble, so we are proof that dating apps CAN work) and I vividly recall how much it stung any time a guy I’d been having an interesting conversation with silently unmatched me. I was appreciative whenever a guy gave me a brief explanation about why he wanted to end communication. I extended the same courtesy to all men UNLESS they were overtly disrespectful. Several examples: I am a Christian (albeit a very liberal one) and several guys explained to me that they didn’t have an interest in dating someone religious. I appreciated their honesty! I was also looking for a serious relationship, so I appreciated the guys who gently suggested we might be a poor match since they were looking for flings. On the other hand, men who ghosted without explaining why left me wondering if my jokes had fallen flat or if I’d been too boring etc.
Anon
Desk recommendations? I’m moving in a few weeks and my new place will have space for a small desk. My roommate and I will share the desk for both work from home and part time school.
I don’t have dimensions for the nook the desk will be in, but looking for something compact with some storage. Roommate will have 2 monitors while she’s still working from home.
Anonymous
You need to get the dimensions. There’s literally no point in this question without them.
Anon
Ok the nook is probably 5 feet wide o just don’t want something that takes up the whole space
Anon
You are grouchy this morning! Yikes!
Anon
No specific recommendations but Wayfair has tons of options with a lot of details and dimensions. I was skeptical about Wayfair quality but I bought some pieces after reading review thoroughly and I have been happy so far.
Anon
Hemnes desk from IKEA. Recommend protecting it with the cork mat they sell and/or having a piece of glass cut to fit the top. I like it because it’s small, relatively inexpensive, all wood (soft pine) and matches my aesthetic.
Katie
I got a small secretary desk from World Market to have another space to work during this pandemic, and I’m really happy with it. Search for “Distressed Brown And Black Wood Secretary Desk” – it’s got two little drawers, a tray that pulls out for a keyboard, and the whole thing can fold shut (the top folds down) when not in use. For me, it felt like a piece that’s useful now, and will be useful in different configurations down the road.
Anon
Oh a modern secretary desk is the perfect idea! Thank you!!
Anonymous
+ 1. I have been using an antique one while WFH, and love being able to close it up when I am not working so my home doesn’t feel like an office.
Anon
I know the joke that everyone’s 2020 planners were a waste of money, but I’m actually looking for a planner recommendation.
I think it’ll help me stay more on task with work to track projects in a planner, and I think it’ll be immensely helpful to have one place for both my work and personal schedules since I currently track work commitments on my work email / phone and personal ones on my personal phone.
I’d like plenty of space for each day, as well as Month / week views. The design can be fun, but nothing too cutesy or feminine.
Cb
I’d look at the planner reviews from The Shubox. She did a planner review session a few years back and uses page-a-day, non-cutesy planners. I really liked my Hobinochi but this year, I’ve just used Outlook and a Muji monthly planner, for general tracking and monthly goals.
Vicky Austin
I bookmarked the thread where we talked about this here a while back: https://corporette.com/favorite-paper-planner/
Anon
Planner geek here! My absolute favorite planner brand is TUL. It’s completely customizable and the pages can be easily added and removed. There are so many options for add-ons! I’d also recommend TUL pens.
The Lone Ranger
I’m a sucker for the Levenger Circa smartPlanner. Plus they have tons of extra pages you can add if you need more room. The Circa system makes it really easy to move pages around when you need to.
I use the left hand side of the weekly view for personal stuff and the right side of the weekly view for work.
Planner pad is also a great system. I use the desk pad at work for long term planning. But they have personal sizes as well. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring it home with me, since I was off when WFH started, so I’ve had to recreate a lot of planning on smaller paper.
Monthly planner
Does anyone have good monthly planner recommendations for paper planners?
I am trying to get my family (two tweens, one spouse) to use outlook calendar items, but that is only remotely successful with spouse and a fail with the tweens for now. I just want them to be able to have one place they can look to see things like “oh, tennis camp this week” and “vaction!” and “hey, I’m probably due for my period so should check my supplies in my backpack, etc.” I want to help turn things over to them and a paper place where they can see this week and what is lurking around the corner would be helpful. I have thought about painting the house in dry-erase paint, but that would just get smeared or doodled on (and no girl wants her cycle out there for public consumption (right now, sadly, it is also my cycle, so I am pretty aware, but it’s also odd that I’m on the pill and kiddo is not)).
busybee
I would be mortified if my period dates were on the family calendar, electronic or otherwise. Why on earth should that be on a family calendar??
Just get a calendar whiteboard and put it in the mudroom or something.
Anon
Completely agree, this would have mortified me as a teen
Anon
I cannot imagine how awful it would be to have to put my period on the family calendar.
Is there some reason that you can’t just give her money to buy her own supplies, or give her a gift card to CVS for it? Before you make a run to Target, check the cabinet in her bathroom where she keeps her supplies and see if she’s running low?
Also… I’m of the belief that it’s better to stock up on things when you’re using them, not right before you use them again. I refill my period supplies during/shortly after the cycle in which I run low, not try to remember and them time it for right before the next cycle. My kid’s diaper bag gets restocked every time I come home, not right before we go out.
Anonymous
Yeah, that’s totally weird. My teenager uses a one-page paper calendar that she printed out from the web. She keeps it in a drawer and Xs out the period days. It’s not labeled in any other way. It’s only for her own reference and to show the pediatrician if she has an issue.
Your tweens need to be responsible for restocking their own supplies. After an initial planning session with you that includes discussing different places to keep supplies, etc. (gym locker, locker, backpack, purse, cosmetic pouch, etc.), they need to keep those spots stocked up. If they aren’t responsible enough to keep their backpacks stocked and have an accident, there are plenty of resources at school to help them, and after one or two issues they’ll never forget again.
If you are the family shopper, the girls should be responsible for asking you to buy supplies before they run out. My teen and I have a code word that she writes on the shopping list on the fridge. If she forgets to write it on the list, then she is stuck with using my supplies until I get to the store again.
Anon
Omg what? No. Do not put your cycles or your daughter’s cycles on the family calendar. That is a horrendous idea.
anon
Plum paper. You can customize a bunch of different layouts. And you pick the cover, so you can get as plain or cutesy as you like. No annoying quotes or graphics or anything but still cute enough.
Monday
I’m always window-shopping planners, but I never see anything I like better than Passion Planner. I use the Weekly version, but they also have a Daily one. There’s plenty of space for each day either way, broken down in 30-min increments. It has a weekly “personal to-do list” and “work to-do list.”
It does include trite quotes and a monthly journal reflection (less trite). It’s easy to skip those. I do like the goal-setting exercise for January and mid-year. It helped me to admit mid-2020 that almost all my prior goals are on hold right now, and make new ones.
Go for it
+1
I use it for personal life & it has helped so much
Anon
New Yorker desk diary.
Anon
On Amazon I found Bliss Collections, which has a pad of 50 undated sheets. Mine is a daily view with areas for notes and meetings (the one that says “You Got This” at the top), but I think they have weekly options as well.
Anon100
I tried out a few different versions of planners this year, and I think Passion Planner or Day Designer fit your needs. Both have free downloadable printable versions, so I’d try them out that way before you by. Passion Planner is great for life, but not great for my work life. Day Designer’s daily planning pages is more structured and is perfect for my meeting-heavy and rotating-project work life, but I don’t like their weekly or monthly pages as much.
For work projects, I track my projects in the Poketo Project Planner. It was actually really useful for the first three months of 2020 and now I’m trying to get my projects back on track with it.
Coach Laura
I previously used Action Day Planner, which is dated with calendar pages.
Now, which is great in pandemic land, I use Mountain Planner Pro, which is undated. It has monthly overview pages, weekly recap of last week with plans for this week pages and goals for social, personal, physical/health, budget and notes. Then it has daily pages. Each day has a small section for gratitude, habits, focus and project. There’s a schedule tab from 6am to 9pm in half hour segments and then a task list and a notes section. I use different color pens so mine is very colorful as I tackle tasks and then check them off. I keep all conversation notes there, phone call record (time, tried calling, left message or tried calling no answer) and if they answer I note that and what was discussed. If I take written notes in my computer, I note that so I can find the bigger notes later if/when I need them.
I like having the business goals and personal habits sections front and center, especially working from home.
Petite sport polos for golf?
I had some wicking sport-material polos that, sadly, fit my taller tween daughter and now she’s using them. I need a collared shirt for golf but have not been able to find petite ones on offer currently (I have one from Athleta from a prior year, but nothing current online in petite with a collar). Plenty of cotton, but I live in the sticky SEUS and that won’t work. With women’s polos being so fitted now, as a short torso person, the waist is usually cut for where my hips are, so the total effect is sadness. Any recommendations? Since it looks like schools will cancel out for the fall, I am looking to lean on golf (allowed in my state since day 1) as a way to get my kids some physical activity and off of their screens and do it with them at times. We aren’t golf club members, but play at a public course without a clothing section of its pro shop or at a resort with a golf school (but no ladies petite shirts — IDK what people do who are 5-2, but IIRC that was a decent chunk of the people I saw at the clubhouse last year). Online brands to look up? Tween brands (I could wear a girls 14-16 since I’m flatchested)?
Anon
I like Columbia tech polo shirts. They’re not too expensive, but you can also usually find them at Goodwill.
mascot
Lady Hagen shirts (sold at D*cks) and Adidas aren’t overly long. Nike runs slim on me, but I’m busty.
Gail the Goldfish
I don’t have any specific brand recommendations for fit, but for a source you might not think of–check equestrian stores. Sport-material polos are very much a thing among equestrians. Dover Saddlery will have a bunch, and they currently have free shipping/returns online.
Anonymous
OMG — so many totally cute $100 items! I totally don’t do horses, but I could do a lot of these tops in this sticky weather.
Anonymous
Second this. Try smartpak too. They sell long sleeve sun shirts that are collared which I love for golf and hiking. Very lightweight and comfortable and keeps the sun off. They definitely run short and fitted.
Cat
Lilly Pulitzer has some cute golf stuff if that fits your family’s style. Many of the tops are solid colors if you don’t care for the vibrant prints. The tops tend to run short on me (long torso).
Anonymous
OMG this is my kryptonite — must have all ruffly polo shirts and probably everything else. At least I can wear it M-F 9-5 now with WFH. #practical
Anonymous
Seriously. I have about $1K of items in my cart. Some is I may be a M or S and don’t know but OMG I need to let this wave pass over me and not pull the trigger.
Anon
Old Navy has wicking material, collared polo-type shirts.
Anonymous
Reclaim your shirts from your daughter and buy her some regular-sized ones from Athleta?
Anonymous
They are non-petite ones bought several years ago, before I realized that petite was for sporty clothes as well (and as things became more “ladies cut,” it has mattered). They were a C+ on me on a good day and just fit her height so much better (plus, she is at a sport camp this week and actually needs something wicking), like a solid A. So I can reshop for me. Maybe with Lilly :)
Senior Attorney
Do it!
Working out at lunch
I posted here last week about working out at lunch. I decided to ask my boss directly about starting work earlier + ending earlier to go to the gym instead, and she immediately said yes, no problem. So I’m really happy about that, and I’m also happy to have a defined end time to the day especially with WFH where it can become amorphous.
Anon
Good for you! WFH only becomes amorphous if you’ve let it, but you’ve taken steps to protect your time. That’s awesome.
Anon
Go you!
Wardrobe reno
We are ripping out and replacing our wardrobes in all 4 bedrooms. We moved in as a couple with a not quite 1yo. Now I think we have outgrown our storage with an 8yo and tween. Any advice, tips, etc?
Senior Attorney
I have built in very wide drawers in my dressing room/closet and I love them so much I want to marry them. Similar to this only maybe even a bit wider: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/0e/f6/80/0ef6800bae127ee2000b2abcedfe3992.jpg
I have shallow ones for things like underwear (I store my bras flat like at Victoria’s Secret and it’s so great!) and deeper ones for things like shorts and sweaters. For some reason the wider drawers are much easier to keep organized than narrower ones.
Cat
Check out the blog Extra Petite – she recently did a few posts on managing storage in a city condo. Good source for things to make drawers more useful, etc. (Do note they made the interesting decision, in a 2BR condo, to have their toddler daughter sleep in their room so they could preserve the 2nd bedroom as an office – slash – closet for the blog! Can’t say I would have opted for that approach but it seemed to work for them.)
Anonymous
Please help me not lose my mind with husband – we’re newlyweds that didn’t live together so we’re seeing all sides of each other. We have a few mosquitos or gnats or something in our apartment which I think is common in the summer in hot/humid cities. The only “precaution” we’ve been taking is covering food because we agree no one wants something like that touching food.
Well seems like this weekend one of those suckers got into our pantry cabinet so now DH has decided we’re not eating from that cabinet. Except that cabinet houses all of our pasta, rice etc — all closed boxes, some even new. His theory is that who knows what it touched in there after having touched say the bathroom so it isn’t safe.
Uh — it’s a pandemic plus we had agreed that in a week we are visiting your elderly grandparents so we’re now in that 2 wk stretch of staying home. Unlike normal times we’re not running to the store to grab more pasta and rice (vegetarian so these are staples). Online shopping spots are backed up so earliest delivery is prob Wed which isn’t worthwhile if we’re leaving 2 days later. His solution — just get by with what’s in the fridge and other cabinets for a week and then grandma will feed is well anyway. She will but does this really mean a full week of cereal, PBJ, grilled cheese, English muffins and frozen vegetables?? Is this anxiety or am I missing something here?? Fine maybe toss any boxes that were open but there are plenty of sealed boxes in there and we’re not eating the pasta raw.
Is this also what newlywed life is like if you didn’t live together? I knew he grew up in a wealthy wasp family and me in an immigrant family — so he’s quick to throw out an entire cabinet of food just because since he’s used to money being no object. Plus he looks at it like — you’re the wife, find a solution?! Uh I’m excited to go to his grandparents — they’re sweet and very generously offered we can stay all summer if we want and work from there but I’m working this week, have a good amount of packing to do since we’ll be there for a few weeks – btwn clothing and work stuff, plus laundry. I have enough to do to not want to deal with “problems” like cleaning and restocking cabinets before we go. I also don’t want to arrive there actively fighting with him but that’s where we’re headed??!!
Anon
Closed boxes are fine. Pasta and rice are cooked so any pathogens will be killed. I don’t think he’s being normal about this.
Anonymous
It sounds insane to me to fuss about a gnat or mosquito landing on food, much less about one getting into a pantry and somehow contaminating all the food in it. Has the man never eaten outside or gone on a picnic or gone camping?
I’d be telling him that if he wants to live in that state of anxiety, it’s up to him; I’m not going to join him in it. I’m going to be cooking and eating the pasta and all the other stuff, and he can cook and eat whatever he’d like.
AnonATL
Yeah this sounds like some serious anxiety to me. Bugs happen.
Gnats/ Fruit Flies are nothing compared to the giant cockroaches that slither around down here in the south. Clean as you may be, they’re going to get you.
Particularly with dry staples that you have to cook, there is like 0 risk that a fly is going to make you sick. I would be putting my foot down saying a) the food is not going to be thrown out and b) you are going to eat it and if he doesn’t want to he can find something else.
Get some fly traps if they continue to be a problem.
Mrs. Jones
+1. Bugs happen.
Anonymous
I think this is his anxiety and you don’t need to let it become a huge thing. If he wants to eat cereal and grilled cheese for a week, he can. If you want to cook yourself pasta and rice and eat it, you can and should.
Anon
That’s a really bizarre reaction about seeing a bug. I’d just cook and eat the food as normal and he can do whatever he wants – live and let live.
AG
Agree with Anonymous and Anon. I’d cook food from the pantry and he can choose to eat what I cook or make himself food.
pugsnbourbon
+1. Some people have really strong reactions to bugs around food – if you’ve had a moth infestation in the past, or ants, etc. The pantry stuff is fine, but it’s also fine if he doesn’t want to eat it. Shouldn’t stop you.
anon8
The biggest issue I see is that he thinks you need to look for a solution since you’re the wife. You need to nip that in the bud immediately. That will certainly carry over into other areas of life and will get worse if/when you have kids. If you can’t have this conversation on your own, enlist the help of a counselor to help with the discussion.
If he grew up in a wealthy wasp family, I worry that he has outdated ideas of gender roles. Did he have maids, housekeepers, his mom doing stuff for him while he was growing up?
Also throwing out a whole cabinet of food is ridiculous and also points to some anxiety issues.
And no, this is not what newlywed life is like. There may be some growing pains while you adjust to living together, but him defaulting to you doing everything is a hell no.
ArenKay
I agree with this 100 percent. This is not how marriage should be, and the last paragraph of your OP was pretty red-flag to me about your husband having retrograde ideas about marriage.
Anon
Yeah, my jaw dropped when I got to that part.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, I agree that it’s not right that he expects you to find the solution to this problem (especially since he sees it as a problem and you don’t!).
I will say that yes, issues of each person having different ideas of what is “reasonable” or “normal” is entirely normal in any cohabiting relationship. We all come in with different family cultures, life experiences, personal quirks, and levels of comfort with different situations. Where the rubber meets the road is HOW you deal with those differences. Does one person always expect that their way is the only way? Or are you both willing to meet in the middle in some way if you’re both being relatively reasonable?
Anonymous
Maybe controversial here–but I’d tell him they are fruit flies and only attracted to fruits, veggies and fermenting sugars (like spilled alcoholic drinks) or fermenting food in your drains–all of which is true. So keep the pasta and rice and everything else and then decide whether what’s left is worth fighting over. They don’t eat other stuff so haven’t touched it. If they look like worms or moths, then it’s bags of flour and cereals that will be vulnerable. Otherwise, I’d reference the risk of bringing pandemic to the grandparents by making unnecessary trips into public places and follow the advice of the other person above–you do what you want and he can decide how he wants to feed himself. I’m married 14 years–if facts or logic don’t work, then you pick what hills are worth dying on. He doesn’t get to force you to reshop, just as you don’t get to force him to eat food he feels is compromised (even though it almost certainly isn’t).
Walnut
Definitely worth spending a few hours on Google identifying the bugs. A bag of flour once introduced a moth that was absolute hell to eliminate. Flour now goes into the freezer for a few days before putting it in the cabinet because I never want to deep clean my kitchen cabinets to that extent again.
From my perspective, this is a low risk introduction to establishing a frame work for how you guys will collaboratively attack problems in the future. In my household, it usually is Person 1 discovers/triages the problem (pool of water around the bathroom faucet, so turn off the water valve under the sink), person 2 checks out problem for a logic check (oh, that pool of water around the bathroom faucets is because I just washed my hair in the sink) or validation of the problem (I haven’t been in the bathroom in hours, looks like our faucet may be leaking). One or both of us will research the problem (what causes a bathroom faucet to leak) and discuss the findings (caulk issue, call a plumber, etc) and then we split the tasks to resolve (call the plumber, supply run to the hardware store, clean up the existing standing water, plug slow leak with a bathroom towel.)
No Face
I would have no problem eating food that a mosquito or gnat had been on. I would keep and cook all that food, and he could just choose not to eat it. He can eat grilled cheese and frozen veggies if he wants. There is nothing wrong with that, and you don’t need to stress out trying to change his mind or accommodate him. At most, I would Google it and say “I don’t think mosquitos impact food safety so I’m not throwing this stuff out” and move on.
I think all couples have moments where you realize you have different comfort levels about all kinds of things. The best couples can talk about them without making a big issue about it. You also don’t have to agree about every little thing.
Anon
Are you sure they are not pantry moths? Because you do need to actively combat those- store all grains, flour, etc. in glass jars with tight lids, freeze items, wipe down shelves with vinegar solution.
If they are just flies,tell him you’ll make sure food is boiled/heated high enough to get rid of any pathogens.
Monday
This kind of sounds like validating his “you’re the wife, you handle it” attitude. It’s not her fault, nor her sole responsibility. He needs to be part of whatever the solution is, especially since he’s far more concerned than she is.
OP, to address your larger question: I’m sorry, but yes, this can be what getting married without living together first can entail. I did it myself, and we are now divorced. I suspect one of the reasons my ex-husband left me is that I was not a traditional wife. It’s easier for men to say (and even believe) that they want an egalitarian relationship while dating, but living together shows what their real expectations are. Within a week of moving in together, he said he “might” put one of his large plants on my desk, which would have taken up half of its surface area. My desk was about 1/4 the size of his, and I worked from home at the time. It did not occur to him that I might object. He also kept talking about how “depressing” it was to go grocery shopping, which I later realized probably meant he wanted me to do it solo. I could go on. His mom was a SAHM and I think he really couldn’t get out of that mindset, in addition to basic male privilege.
Good luck, OP.
Anonymous
No, if these are pantry moths then OP and her husband (the collective “you”) most definitely need to handle them by sealing all food and cleaning the pantry.
Monday
I was responding to the advice that she should assure him that she is cooking the food safely. It sounded like customer service.
Anonymous
If it is pantry moths, then the sooner someone (anyone) male or female does as Anon advises, then the better. We used to get those all the time when I was a kid (I think they came in with the food we would give our hamsters and gerbils). OMG. Impossible to get rid of. Couldn’t own anything wool anymore. And don’t even want to tell you how gross it is to open a bag of flour and find umpteen worms. In those instances, you really do need to purge whatever food is a source for them or it’s a never ending cycle with the eggs.
Anon
+1
I was imagining fruit flies. If this is pantry moths, it’s hard to overreact.
Anonymous
Any chance this is anxiety about something else – travel maybe with all the necessary precautions? But he’s choosing to focus it on a mosquito? I say this because I have a sister who is normally fine but a few days before travel – omg she’ll get into a screaming fight with you over nothing, ruined every vacation. Only suggesting it because if you hadn’t lived together maybe you hadn’t been together in the week leading up to travel where there’s hecticness so you weren’t around to see this?
I wouldn’t start a fight but stand firm. Look it’s a busy week with a lot of work for the office plus laundry and packing for several days because 4 weeks worth of stuff is a lot plus I’m cleaning and packing carefully because this isn’t like a regular trip where we’ll wander to the store every time we realize we forgot something because there’s a pandemic and we’ll be with elderly grandparents. So my plan for dinner still is pasta, rice/veggies. If you don’t want that, fine, but I can’t make two dinners so make and clean it up nightly please.
And then do what you need to do each evening. Don’t be wracking your brain trying to create meals, if he wants to eat Cheerios 3x/day for a week, that’s fine but doesn’t mean you should.
And btw if I were to mention this in front of my DHs WASP grandparents they’d be aghast — they weren’t wasteful ever + would think it was unmanly to be so scared and be running your wife ragged because you’re so scared.
Anonymous
I was thinking this — right down to the sister who will go around barking at you when we had to travel. Vacations got so much better once we decided she could opt out . . . . It could be general anxiety and he’s choosing to focus on this. If it wasn’t this it would be — omg the laundry detergent smells different, you bought something that isn’t Tide, I can’t wear this!?
I will agree with others though — do NOT fall into the — you’re the wife, deal with it — role.
Amber
I think you should consider telling him that it doesn’t bother you and you will do at the food. If he expects you to cook for him, ask him what he wants from the fridge and other cabinets for each meal. I don’t think you should have to limit what you eat because of his worry over the gnats. I would try to mention it casually and not like you are picking a fight. Maybe even just cook the pasta without telling him and offer to make him something else (so that you are not asking for permission or feedback). Good luck!!
Anon
It sounds like he’s just completely clueless about this. He needs to do some reading on “FDA Food Defect Levels” and maybe visit a farm.
Anonanonanon2
Agree with everyone that he doesn’t have to eat it if he doesn’t want to, but you don’t have to throw it out if you’re OK eating it.
Also, he should be doing laundry/packing for himself for this trip.
Senior Attorney
Yeah this.
Also: “I may be the wife, but I don’t see a problem and even if there were a problem it would not be my job to handle it by myself.”
Anon
I’m not sure what you have, but if you have pantry moths, those didn’t get into your pantry staples. They arrived in your pantry staples. Meaning, in egg format. I know it’s gross, but we all eat lots of stuff we don’t know we are eating – extra protein!
Your husband is being a giant baby about this and in your shoes I’d keep cooking the pasta and rice, and if he doesn’t want to eat it, he can cook his own meals.
Anonymous
And please do NOT do BOTH of your laundry and packing for this trip. I hope you mean YOU have a lot of stuff to pack and organize since you’re leaving for a few weeks and need to bring work stuff too; I hope that doesn’t mean you need to make sure he has enough pairs of shorts.
Anon
Any suggestions on what, if anything, to say to my boss, who keeps insisting on company-wide conference calls that we’re all “depressed working at home?” She is, no doubt, but I’m definitely not (thanks to WFH, I feel much safer) and any stress I’m experiencing is due to, you know, the global pandemic. I’m concerned her personal narrative is going to continue to grow and shape the office reopening timeline unfairly. She has a tendency to only solicit opinions from her pets and to discount opinions that she doesn’t agree with. Long term, I’m obviously job searching, but short term, do I let this go or let her know how helpful WFH has been during the pandemic?
Anonymous
She doesn’t care.
anon8
Oh my goodness. I must be sleep deprived. When I read that she solicits opinions from her pets, I read that she is literally asking her cat or dog for advice.
I think you just let this go. It doesn’t sound like she is going to listen to reason. Can you avoid these company wide calls stating you have a conflict? Or just half-listen and multitask during the meetings?
Cat
I read that the same way, lol. Not that she literally asked an animal, but that it was a metaphor for just doing whatever she wants without anyone’s input!
How influential is she in the company? What are other people in management saying? Personally I wouldn’t pipe up on a company-wide call (unless your company is really small), but when you have 1-1’s with her, you could discuss how effective you’re finding WFH to be?
Anon
She’s the CEO of a small company (25 people) with typical small-office dysfunction. It’s a company-wide zoom and we’re collegial enough where I could *probably* get away with saying something, but I’ve already spoken up in the past about a different, non-pandemic issue and possibly gotten a bit of a reputation for not going with the flow. I don’t really have 1:1s with her and I think there’s a strong risk of her getting defensive. Maybe I should relay the message through my own supervisor instead…? I know that part of me is just feeling stubborn and unheard and I don’t know if that’s enough of a reason to raise this.
Cat
oh, I thought when you said “your boss” that she was your direct manager. Yeah, I’d talk to your supervisor about it – “hey, Griselda seems like she’s really pushing for all of us to get back to the office and assuming we’re all depressed. While I do miss some aspects of office life, I’m perfectly content working from home until the virus is better controlled. I think our company performance has shown we’re able to be productive from home. Do you think there are any concrete plans afoot about returning?”
Cat
Can anyone explain why the above went to m-d? (I kept my name and email filled in like normal.)
Anonymous
It isnt
Anonymous
Maybe mention to your supervisor that you think focusing this way is bringing team morale down. See if the next Zoom can have some time devoted to “things we’re thankful for.” A lot of things naturally will start flowing on WFH or if you mention it specifically, it won’t read as argumentative and others are likely to chime in.
Anon
Definitely say nothing. There’s not going to be any change. If you’re job searching, just keep quiet until you’re free. Good luck with your job search!
AFT
Ah – yes, if she’s not your direct boss, I’d definitely run it through your supervisor, starting out with a “hey, I’m not finding this to be a worthwhile use of time, do you think me skipping it occasionally or voicing a desire to space these out would be an issue?” and listen to their feedback. I think it being your boss’s-boss changes the dynamic.
Anon
I like the idea of a “things we’re thankful for” talk – that might go over well and I think it would help boost morale a bit. I don’t think our CEO realizes how much of a morale-killer it is for her to constantly imply we’re all depressed and less productive at home (the billables speak for themselves, boss…).
MagicUnicorn
I would pretend I hadn’t heard her complaints, and instead just thank her for supporting the WFH situation since it’s been such a relief to you as an employee not to have to worry about unnecessary work-related exposure during this ongoing pandemic, etc., etc.
Anonymous
I think you just keep your opinion to yourself unless asked for it where a candid response is truly needed. Your CEO’s opinion on a company-wide call is not there as a discussion point. You can vent to us or friends.
Anon
+ a million, don’t say anything!
Vicky Austin
Hive, my sleep is suffering. Hours and hours of sleep leave me no more rested than before. I’ve tried everything. I’m thinking it’s just pandemic-itis, but is there anything I can do? Should I see my PCP?
Anonymous
Well what have you tried? For me, a clean and cold and dark bedroom is important, reading an actual book before bed, getting a solid hour of movement during the day, eating healthy, and a cup of herbal tea before bed are my version of “doing everything”. If id been doing all that and couldn’t sleep at all I would call the doctor.
Anon
How much are you exercising? I find that I sleep better/more fully when I’ve gotten good physical activity. You probably should mention this to your PCP though.
anon8
I think starting with your PCP is a good idea to get a baseline for bloodwork, etc. Are you getting a full night’s sleep or do you keep waking up? I started taking CBD gummies and it helps me stay asleep without waking up multiple times.
Amber
Have you tried getting a weighted blanket? Amazon sells them. Also a warm bath before bed and not looking at electronics once I get in bed has helped. And not eating a huge meal, but if I am hungry, I will have a light snack before bed. Good luck!
Anonymous
I suffered a few weeks ago from something that might be similar. I was able to sleep a few nights on my (shockingly comfortable) couch, and I also upped my exercise for a few days. Those things helped me “Re-set” and I fell into bed tired, slept hard, and woke up feeling better – took a few days though. Good luck! PCP could work too!
Cross country move?
Looking for input from my favorite group for advice. My husband and I had moved away from our Midwest roots as soon as we were married for graduate school and have not looked back. We have moved around the NE and SE of the US and settled in the SE (we have 3 kids). I have a big family where I grew up I’d be glad to be closer to (I think) and all the madness of this year has pushed us back into the moving back conversation. The one thing I always thought was holding me back was my job, which I loved, but my responsibilities have moved to another group in EU. (I am not upset by this, ready to move on at this point.) I am pursuing remote opportunities within my org and thinking this is the perfect opportunity to get closer to family, but I just can’t get myself excited about it!! I know logically it makes perfect sense, but dread uprooting my kids (7, 5, and almost 1) and can’t identify why I am not happier about this prospect?
Sorry for the stream of consciousness/messy post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Anonymous
Not sure what you’re asking. If you want to move though, these are the perfect ages — it’s not like uprooting kids out of middle or high school. They won’t even remember that they went to K or 2nd grade in the SE. I imagine your midwest community is a lot like mine — people go to school with the same people from k-12, so yeah it’s better to get in sooner rather than later for your kids to establish those lifelong friendships. As for work, isn’t this the perfect time to hit an employer with — let me stay remote from the midwest since the work is in the EU anyway, I want to go back to my family? IDK where you’re going back to but it sounds like you’re not excited about your job anymore, so maybe look into moving back to some bigger place in the midwest (or commutable to it) so that you can keep your remote job until you can find a local job there that may be a good career move? Moving back to your roots and close to your family doesn’t necessarily require going back to the same town you grew up in — I’d imagine even being a half hour or hour away would be a good compromise — close to family but maybe with good career options too? I mean unless you and DH went to the same high school, want your kids to go there etc.
Anon
maybe you like living in the SE and don’t actually want to live in the Midwest closer to your family and that is ok!
Airplane.
Yep. It sounds like you feel like you SHOULD want to move closer to the family in the Midwest, but you don’t ACTUALLY want to. Consider what you really want.
Cat
+1. It’s ok to decide you like your life & geography as it is.
If we’re wrong and you actually do want to move, but are just held back by fears for your kids’ ability to adjust… they are so, so young. As someone who moved 5 times before college, the only move that was actually hard was when I was 11 and we moved in spring (so, mid-school year). Trying to fit into a friend group in April when everyone was Peak Tween Self Conscious was horrible.
The moves when I was 2, 5, and 7 I barely remember.
Anon
Yes, this.
There are a lot of cities in the SE that are great: Charlotte, Raleigh, Charleston, Atlanta. If that’s what you like, you probably do not like cities like Indianapolis, St. Louis, or Kansas City.
Another possibility: I tend to not get along very well with people who ‘never left’ where they grew up. (I put this in quotes because some of it is mental and not just geographic.) I like being around people who are thoughtful about how they live their lives, where they choose to live, what paths they take. A fair amount of the people in cities in the SE are transplants, but I don’t think you get as much of that in the cities in the Midwest. Unless you’re really ‘into’ the Midwest, a lot of the Midwest is not going to be great.
Anon
This is making me wonder if deeply disliking Raleigh, Charlotte, Charleston means I should consider Indianapolis, St. Louis, or Kansas City!
Anon
What do you dislike about those cities?
Anon
I have found them relatively conformist, status seeking, and conservative, though it’s possible I’ve just failed to find my people.
JuniorMinion
I think if you live enough places you figure out that everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time…
I definitely concur with this. I grew up in a small state and the people who have never left seem to often maintain a very narrow world view. My personal favorite is the folks who have really strong opinions (usually negative, and usually about more Southern / midwestern places) on places that they have never visited / lived.
Anon
Do you really want to be closer to family or do you just feel like you should because pandemic? Where in the Midwest are you talking? Moving to a small town or Chicago from the SE would likely be difficult, but if you’re trading one midsized city (or suburbs) for another, it would probably be fine. Do you have any friends where you would be moving? Would you be leaving lots of friends behind? I don’t have kids, but those ages seem like an ok time to move. I would love to move closer to my parents and siblings, but my reasons are 1. I’d like to be able to see them without it being an overnight trip; 2. We have friends in the area; 3. I like their area better than where we live now. The only thing that is preventing us from moving is our jobs. Maybe make a list of the things you would gain from the move and the things you would lose. Also try to think beyond pandemic. What will your life be like when this is over? What do you want it to be like?
OP
Thanks so much for all your insight! I really appreciate the thoughts here. I do feel like I SHOULD want to move back, but don’t feel excited about it. My big family with lots of cousins that I love are there, as well as siblings and parents, but my instinct has always been trying new and different things, so new places, jobs, et al. I moved around a lot as a kid and always wanted to provide my kids with the stability of growing up in one community, but need to think long and hard about what this would mean for my wants, as well. Husband has always been more consistent about wanting to move back (ironically to be near my family, not his) so probably a talk we need to have. Not an imminent decision, just was looking for thoughts so I really appreciate everyone’s input.
Anon
does anyone have a rec for a waterproof watch? i bought a cheepie one last year to wear while swimming with my kids and the band just broke. prefer something not super pricey and not totally hideous.
Anonymous
I have a Timex ironman one that I have not been able to destroy and apparently I am rough on watches. I think they are fairly inexpensive.
Equestrian Attorney
Swatch. Reasonably cute, especially the slim ones, and I’ve had mine for 10+ years and it’s going strong (I don’t wear it every day, but wear it regularly for outdoorsy activities).
Anon
i was looking at swatch, but i can’t seem to sort by and figure out which ones are ok for swimming
Equestrian Attorney
I think they are all waterproof? But I would get one with a plastic band if you’re going to be in the water a lot.
Anon
Absolutely anything by Timex.
Anonymous
I like cheap surf watches (without tide functionality, which makes them more expensive) for the pool, the beach, and water sports.
Anon
Why don’t you get a new band?
Anonymous
Withings. It’s a fitness tracker that looks like a watch. I love mine.
Anonymous
Do you have friends who are too opinionated on YOUR life? I’m pretty laid back and even more as I’ve gotten older. IDK it’s like I’ve realized that happiness is hard to come by so if my friends are happy they don’t need me second guessing how they live, where they live, their job etc.
I have one friend though who is all over MY choices lately. Long story short – she’s a born and raised NYCer. I lived in NYC for 10 years and then left 5 years ago for a smaller northeastern city. My career in NYC had plateaued so it wasn’t worth it to me anymore to live how I was living in Manhattan and I couldn’t see myself living that way at say 45 or 50. I wanted a larger home, car, and “amenities” like a dishwasher, W/D, parking. Either you don’t get those in Manhattan or you pay 5-6k/mo in rent for them, which I could have as I was in biglaw but then I wouldn’t have had much of a nest egg which was a huge priority.
I’d never talk to her (or anyone) re net worth/financial goals which include early retirement but living in place where COL is 30-40% cheaper and taking “only” a 20% pay cut, I’ve come out well ahead financially. I also like where I live. Not pleased with my job but my goal is (post pandemic) to find another job in my current metro area or the other city in my state; I’d only go back to NYC for some massive once in a lifetime opportunity – unlikely.
We were talking about cities and she then spent 20+ minutes going on “you’re not happy there” “you don’t like it there” “you definitely don’t like it there” “I hate that area” [she lived in this city for all of 3 mos at age 22 before quitting her job and moving back to NYC because nothing compares to NYC] and on and on and while mocking that I want cars and washers; admittedly she didn’t grow up with those things but I did and to me it’s too much of a compromise to not have those or pay 6k/mo to have them. Never ending criticism as I sat there on the phone being like – what is happening here??
How do you shut this down besides hanging up?? Has this happened to you? Part of me is like is this jealousy – whether lifestyle or not wanting others to get ahead financially or what?? (She started in biglaw for 3 years but thru a series of decisions where she’s prioritized working w individual clients, she’s ended up working for a solo lawyer making < 100k. Very valid choice but I imagine life in Manhattan at 100k isn’t easy. Meanwhile I’ve always been a make money while you can because it’ll give you options later person.)
Anon
She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. I’d disengage and ignore.
Anonymous
“Actually I’m happy here. Please stop criticizing my life, I like it!”
Airplane.
+1
Senior Attorney
Yeah just shut it down. A propos of the comment below about her being jealous, it doesn’t matter. The point is this is unacceptable behavior and she needs to stop.
Anonymous
I feel like it’s about her. You’re right life in Manhattan at 100k is not easy. She sees peers moving on and in a way she sees that as you saying her life choices aren’t good enough for you — which they aren’t because you want the car/house — which is totally fine. But she’s clearly not secure in her choices if she has to criticize yours. I’ve seen it happen with New Yorkers as they get older. The allure of omg NYC — the shows, the nightlife, jumping on the Hampton Jitney and sleeping 20 people to a house on someone’s floor because OMG it’s the Hamptons — fades as you get to be in your 30s and esp 40s. Then you come back from the Hamptons and are lugging your weekend laundry to the basement and waiting because there’s no dryer available. And then you see your friends in DC or Charlotte or whatever (moreso now with social media) posting pictures sitting on their private deck or throwing 2 weeks of groceries in the trunk of their car and you do question your choices but often you are SO tied to NYC or scared to make a change so you don’t do it and then criticize them because they don’t even live in the greatest city on earth.
Anonanonanon2
This. comment. is. perfect.
Anon
I’ve also seen people so tied to their self image of being a city dweller that they are to embarrassed to change – like it would hurt their cred if they suddenly became a suburbanite.
I’m in the Bay Area and people can be very much this way about The City vs the East Bay (which is hardly suburban, at least in the Oakland/Berkeley Area). They’ve talked so much sh1t about their friends who fled the city for a more affordable and comfortable lifestyle, now they can’t back down.
Anon
She sounds like one of those absolute people – either you’re doing it right, which means she’s doing it wrong; or, you’re doing it wrong, which means she’s doing it right. Obviously she’s clinging to the latter.
If you have tried and failed with “you and I want different things” or “we don’t have to have the same goals”, then I would say the ball is in her court. In your shoes, I’d stop contacting her. She can apologize, or at least stop badgering you, and try to repair the friendship, but you haven’t done anything wrong except be different than her, and you have nothing to apologize for.
Anon
I’m a lifelong New Yorker, live in a 700sq ft apartment with a kid and no car, work in public interest and spent too much time thinking about environmental/economic justice (composting, avoiding Amazon, etc). My childhood BFF lives in a 4000sq ft 5 bedroom house in Jersey with a kid and 2 cars, works at a bank and uses Amazon for everything. We have (respectfully) talked about all of this, but we mostly talk about other things — our kids, cooking, fiction we are reading, family stuff. Our life choices are incredibly different and it’s highly unlikely we would meet today, or that we would become friends if we did, but we don’t judge each other. We are both very happy with our life choices, and I would never switch with her nor she with me.
cat socks
Has anyone had experience with atopic dermatitis? I started having really itchy skin and bumps showing up about a week ago. I have an appointment scheduled with my dermatologist in a couple of days, but wondering if anyone else has had experience with this.
I’m taking allergy meds and that helps with the itchy feeling. I ordered the Ultra Repair Cream from First Aid Beauty, but recommendations for any other products – like mild soaps or body washes?
Anon
I swear by Vanicream’s Free & Clear liquid cleanser. My local drugstores carry it on the bottom shelf. Nothing else is gentle enough for my skin.
If the doctor wants to test for Celiac, make sure that you’re eating enough gluten in advance of the test for an accurate result.
Anon
As for lotions, I look for lotions that contain some urea, and I also use topical B12.
cat socks
Thank you! I will take a look for these when I’m at the store.
Anon
Friendship issue. I have a couple friends who are… let’s say volatile. Intense. They are extroverted, charismatic, engaging. We have a good time together, but I try to keep them at arm’s length. It often feels like they want more from the friendship than I can or want to give. I value them in my life, but they are not my closest friends. However, they are part of larger friend groups or book clubs or mom groups or whatever so I want to maintain a good relationship with them.
But over time, I have started to see issues with these friends where I realize they can’t really read a room, or they will interpret a situation completely differently from the way everyone else did, to the point where I almost question their grasp on reality. This manifests in work situations (one got laid off after telling everyone how she was a top performer), dating situations (thinking she’s met THE ONE on Hinge before even meeting him, texting him nonstop daily for a week and then freaking out when he ghosts), and friend situations (other friends notice the behavior and gently question why these people are still in my life). There’s just a lot of drama, and much of it appears self-inflicted on their parts.
I am a stable, dependable, responsible type, and most of my friends are the same. As I’ve gotten older, I naturally have less room for the ones who don’t add something good to my life. I have tried to put distance between me and these friends, but it seems like as soon as I do, they come back even stronger. Is this just a friendship incompatibility thing? It doesn’t seem like cutting them out is the right thing to do, but I am thinking I need to become slightly less available.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to be friends, then stop.
Anon
+1 You obviously don’t like these people, stop being friends with them.
Airplane.
What does it mean when you say “I have tried to put distance between me and these friends, but it seems like as soon as I do, they come back even stronger.”
If you disengage, don’t invite them, don’t respond much, how can they force themselves into your life? If you don’t want to be friends, don’t be friends with them.
Anonanonanon2
COVID provides so many good excuses for gradually ghosting friends you want to get rid of.
DoesntBelongHere
Could you start thinking of them as “my nutty friend Brenda” and try to detach a bit and take them less seriously? More like “there she goes again!” instead of getting wrapped up in whatever they’re saying/doing.
Anonymous
I’m a consultant for therapy offices. Some of them have asked me about online appointment scheduling. They’re concerned about a) ease of use and b) client confidentiality. Has anyone used Calendly, Acuity, or other software as either a user or business owner and liked it?
CountC
I can’t speak to systems specifically, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE online appointment scheduling – my hair salon does it now, and I can do it with my doctor’s office. It’s so easy and I can do it while I am on an unnecessary conference call. Highly recommend!
Monday
Check out the system that Planned Parenthood uses for booking. It’s extremely straightforward and accessible, but I’m not finding the name easily online because of their current Covid modifications.
anon
I’m a solo attorney and use Calendly. I LOVE it. And the cost is pretty modest. Most of my clients realy like it too. I used it pre-pandemic and it’s even more valuable now because it seamlessly integrates with Zoom (which may not be HIPAA compliant but is confidential enough for my practice).
anon
this is not quite what you asked, but in case any of your offices are on the fence of starting with an online appointment system: this is a huge decision factor for me as consumer. When I move cities or want to change doctors for another reason, I will never pick one who doesn’t offer online booking.
Shopaholic
what about Jane? Several offices in my area use it i.e. acupuncture, naturopath, therapist offices and it’s so easy to use.
bonus is that the therapist can also upload documents if they are helpful to the patient and they are easily accessible.
Anon
Pre-pandemic, I lived a fun, full life in a HCOL. No car, but I didn’t need one. Took public transit, went to tons of events, met lots of new people. Now I am realizing that on top of everything else I miss from pre-pandemic times, I REALLY miss all the pleasures of urban life like being anonymous in large groups, attending group events related to my interests, attending concerts… my world just feels so small.
To make matters more challenging, since I don’t have a car, every visit to see my parents (I WFH, live alone, have groceries delivered, and go nowhere, and they are also super conservative with the quarantine, so we are effectively each other’s family pod) now involves them coming and picking me up (they live about 50 minutes away in the suburbs). When I get to their house, I feel like I’m 12. Life in the suburbs without a car is not fun… not that there’s anywhere to go. I love my parents, but I used to be able to come and go as I pleased and now I’m kind of at their mercy.
Also, I don’t have any other plans ever (obviously) and they know that, so it’s always like, “why can’t you come and visit? why can’t you stay for a month?” I like to see them in smaller doses more often instead of a week nonstop, and now it’s kind of always a week nonstop.
I plan to get a car soon, but until then, any advice for how to navigate these visits and these feelings without feeling like I’m going to lose my mind or hurting the relationship, which is otherwise good?
Anon
Can you rent a car to give yourself control of the visits? Gives you some freedom and autonomy at minimal cost.
Cat
Yes, this, and also – with that, I suggest day trips rather than overnights. While asking your parents to do two 2-hour round trips in a single day would be a lot, if you’re the one with the car, a quick in-and-out is totally feasible. Zipcar is often more cost effective than traditional car rentals for a 12-hour-or-less reservation.
Senior Attorney
Yeah this is a problem you can solve by throwing money at, and I think it would be well worth it.
Coach Laura
Don’t they have zipcar or similar where you are or your parents are? It’s the perfect solution.
I also have a bike with a small electric motor. In order to propel the motor, the rider needs to pedal. I love it and use it to run errands. You might be able to get one and ride in the suburbs, if it’s safe enough.
Anon
Yesterday I snapped a couple pics of my teenaged daughter doing yoga because the cat was bugging her and it was a cute moment. I texted them to her and it triggered a whole meltdown about her body image. She feels bad about her body.
I’m not just biased because I’m her mom I promise. She has a beautiful body. People stare at her when we are out and about. But she’s more of a Beyoncé than a Cher. Most of her friends are more like the latter, those super skinny colt-like teens, and she feels “huge” next to them.
She’s also bugged by the number on the scale, which is in the 140s (she’s 5’8”, size 4-6) while many of her friends barely break 100. Despite the fat that they’re also shorter than her, she fees her weigh is “giant.” BMI charts put her at the top of the normal range, which makes her feel bad, but I tried to explain that they’re not good for muscular people, which she is (student athlete.)
I’m looking for therapy for her, which is hard to find in-network, but it really needs to be in-network for us.
I know some of you have posted about recovering from eating disorders and body dysmorphia – any recommendations of books or videos or online groups or anything at all that might help?
Anon
No specific advice, but commiseration.
As a pear shape, no matter how fit I am, it’s hard to feel skinny when you’re surrounded by string beans. I remember being aware of this as early as elementary school- I was very skinny then but so many of my friends had toothpick legs and I didn’t.
Back when I was a college athlete, I appreciated my legs because they could do some impressive things. I loved to look down at them after a long run and as cheesy as it sounds, I’d thank them for being able to do that run, carry my body that far, push through the hills, etc. If she’s an athlete she’s probably really in tune with her body and so I’d encourage her to appreciate what her strength can do for her.
Some body shapes are just frustrating, no matter how skinny or fit you are. I’m only a size four, but I have to wear curvy fit pants. I very very rarely wear shorts. I can’t wear shift dresses. There’s a lot of styles and brands I’d love to wear but I can’t. I’m still trying to figure out how to dress my body in my mid 20s.
I’d focus on having her find clothes she loves for her body so she feels less self conscious.
Anonymous
I think you should focus all of your efforts on finding an in network therapist.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this. I feel like, sadly, there is nothing you can say that is going to help.
And finding clothes she loves is a great idea.
pugsnbourbon
Is her physician telling her what her BMI is? If so, tell them to stop. Or she can tell them to stop. It’s not necessary or informative.
The National Eating Disorders Association website is a good resource. They list out some behaviors/thought patterns that sometimes precede eating disorder development. It’s also a good idea to keep an eye out for any big transitions in her life – a new school, going to college, etc. My senior year of high school was what tripped the switch for me.
For her – there are a few body-positive/body-neutral yogis that come to mind: Bethany Meyers and Jessamyn Stanley. The authors that I’m thinking of might skew a little older for her, but Roxane Gay, Sonya Renee Taylor, and Lindy West may have pieces for you to read together.
OP
Thanks. I just shared these names with her!
Monday
Oh, is she open to follow recommendations? I’m an hourglass, and even in my damn 30s I still need images like myself to counteract all the very thin ideals that are all over the place. Instagram is great for this– I think immediately of Jada Sezer, who is a stunning plus-sized model and marathon runner. Remember that plus sized models are almost never actually plus sized–but that’s an issue for a different thread. They tend to be sizes 6-10 and super athletic because it’s so important for them to maintain a specific shape.
Other terms to search would be “plus size athlete” and “body positive.” Again, there are some problems with these terms, but it’s a start for a teenager.
Anonymous
She’s a size 4
emeralds
If you’re still checking, Nicole Zaajac might be a relatable follow for her on Instagram
Anonymous
Maybe put it in context? Simone Biles is the GOAT in her sport and has a powerful muscular body. Ask your daughter if Simone should feel bad about herself and the obvious answer is no. Maybe find other similar role models to follow?
Monday
+1. Serena Williams, GOAT. The women’s national soccer team.
Anon
No advice, but I remember those feelings. I developed early (needed a bra at age 8) and I was that poor girl you’d see in the hallways who’s a head and shoulders above all the other kids. I was 5’7 and in my 130s in high school – I was, for those brief years, 36-24-36.
If applicable, perhaps you could discuss genetics with her for Beyonce vs. Cher. My dad was from the Middle East, and I very much had a belly dancer’s figure with olive skin and dark curly hair, which is just a lot for a kid surrounded by, like you say, coltish, blonde haired, blue eyed girls. (From the south where the Scots-English genes were predominant.) I haaated being different than everyone else, and my mom (who had been one of those coltish, fair skinned girls in her youth) just had no frame of reference for encouraging me.
OP
She is that lucky combination of very pale and “thicc” so her skin tone just makes her feel bigger. If we were from a culture that valued the thicc, I think she might feel better about herself, but unfortunately we aren’t.
Anonymous
+1 I was that tall, large girl as well, and I HATED it. I, too, felt huge around my friends, and someone telling me “no, you’re not” would have felt like the person couldn’t deal with reality. My legs were twice the size of theirs, and I was easily 4 to 6 inches (or more!) taller than they were. I so, so, so wish someone had just be able to acknowledge the reality I was dealing with. And that having to deal with being physically so different from your peers is HARD. And talked with me about how I would need to learn ways to think about it that my peers weren’t going to need to learn, and it was an extra challenge but that was OK, I was going to get some wisdom and growing up that they would have to learn in other ways. And what to do when I felt a meltdown coming on and just hated it and wished it would go away.
Also, if people stare at her when you’re out and about, I assume that includes men staring at her. She’s also probably getting lots of sexualized looks and comments (at the minimum) from her peers. Dealing with this, plus all the other stuff, is a lot.
Anonymous
Adding . . . my mother couldn’t have been the one to do this with me. I don’t think I would have responded well to her attempts. YMMV.
Anon
So I say this as someone who is also tall, and generally built more “hourglass”, and was never that tall super thin type without hips as a kid (I feel like it’s a specific phase some teens go through that others don’t, where you’re your adult height, but still kid type body) – it’s just hard. It’s a hard age. I’d focus on telling her she’s perfect to you, getting her a good therapist to talk to, and just focus on something else. At that age any sense of difference from peers (height, weight, body type, clothes, school work, etc) just makes you feel “other” and everyone is developing at different rates. The best thing my mom could have done was just…not talk about it unless I said I wanted to.
I’d also say, as someone who hates being photographed unaware because I am not photogenic (somehow my eyes are always closed in photos…), maybe don’t take pictures of her unaware.
Anonymous
+1 to the photography comment. I would have hated it if my mom had taken a photo of me doing yoga because it was “cute.”
OP
Yeah, lesson learned on that one. It was really about the cat (and she is nuts about the cat, and we often share photos of him being a derp) but in this case she just zoomed in on her body.
I’ve been taking photos of her for her entire life, like every mom out there, but this was the first time I’ve seen that kind of reaction. Usually she’s more like “delete that one, keep this one.”
I am not a big presence on social media so that’s not an issue, but I would never share a photo of her with, say, her aunts without asking her permission.
AnonATL
I was like this as a teenager. All my friends were 100 pounds soaking wet, and I was an hourglass 130 at like 5’6″. We were all in the same sports together year round. It’s hard. One thing that helped me appreciate my body was my ability to take a hit in soccer compared to all my skinny friends. Sounds weird, but they would go flying and I would just bounce off which is beneficial in contact sports. Maybe she has a situation like this where she can frame her strong body in a beneficial way? It’s also nice now that there are so many famous women with different body shapes. Is there a particular professional athlete in her sport you could point to as an example? Or as much as they make me gag, some social media influencer that might be shaped more like her?
College helped me a lot because my friend group changed, and I was truly surrounded by people of all shapes and sizes. I had extremely thin friends, friends built like me, and friends that were even bigger. I also learned that lots of boys like a curvy gal.
How are the adult women in her life shaped and how do they talk about their bodies? My mom was always excellent about not really talking about my body, and all the women in my family are bigger.
If she doesn’t have any sort of disordered eating habits that you can see, then I’m not sure it’s really a big problem yet. I think therapy could definitely help though so it doesn’t become something worse.
Anon
“How are the adult women in her life shaped and how do they talk about their bodies?”
Another question: how do the women in her life, including you, talk about other women’s bodies? I’ve seen a few women who are all “body positive” about their bodies and their daughters’ bodies, but it’s Catty Town when it comes to any other woman’s body.
Greensleeves
My daughter had similar concerns during her early teen years. She also had very skinny friends, whereas she is more curvy and practices martial arts which have built a lot of muscle. She also developed earlier than her friends. I certainly agree with therapy, continuing to point out that people are built differently, etc. I think anything you can do to help her see images of women who are different sizes and shapes can help – I would even just intentionally leave the Athleta or similar catalogs that tend to feature more athletic builds around for a few days when they came.
We also enlisted her pediatrician and that seemed to help as well. My husband and I set up a meeting with the pediatrician without our daughter to discuss our concerns about how upset our daughter was, and then at her next appointment the pediatrician made a point of asking our daughter about her concerns, talking her through a lot of different sizes and shapes being healthy and “normal,” etc. She did a great job of being low key and reassuring, but I believe the message carried more weight because kids are often more willing to listen to someone other than their parents, especially if that person is someone they perceive as an expert or authority.
While we were very concerned initially, I am happy to say that she’s moved past those concerns and is very body positive now in her late teenage years. I hope that you have the same experience!
Anon
My first thought here is that she may be comparing her yoga picture to perfect yoga influencer bodies she sees on Instagram. Perfect yoga poses in swimwear or trendy athletic attire seem to be very popular among the influencers. If this is a possibility, I suggest reminding her that these accounts aim to portray a twisted sense perfection and a lot of them also edit their pictures.
Anon
This was me- except taller. All my friends were under 100 pounds, and I was a solid 5’11 and 145. I looked like a giant in pictures.
I do think that the benefit that can’t be realized at the time is that I learned how to exercise and watch my what I ate (in a healthy way). Now, I have stayed within a few pounds of that weight and continued to exercise while those little under 100 pound girls have blown past me. Those healthy habits stayed with me when those little girls could eat, eat, eat and not ever have to exercise. It’s a much bigger adjustment for them now to learn.
As others said- it’s just hard to learn at that age. Encourage her exercise habits and to eat healthy and focus on the health aspect. As her social circle widens, she will see that beauty is in all shapes and sizes and will be happy that she has set in motion good habits.
Cat
You sound awfully pleased with yourself that the “little 100 pound girls have blown past” you – perhaps you should consider whether you are still unpacking your high school insecurities?
anon
I am one of those previously 100-lb teenagers who gained a significant amount of weight in college and beyond, and I see nothing wrong with her comment. She’s right that I had a lot to learn about proper diet and exercise as an adult. Like it or not, her remark is accurate.
Anon
No, it’s not accurate. People gain weight for all kinds of reasons – taking BC, a new medication, medical conditions.
Anon
Second this.
It’s like anything else. Kids with easy lives may struggle a lot more in adulthood to overcome adversity – or even understand that their lives are fine. Kids who are smart enough to get the grades they want without much effort do not always learn the greatest of study skills. Naturally gifted athletes eventually hit a point where less-gifted people put in far more time and effort and blow by them.
anon
Anon @ 2:27 – multiple things can be true at once. Doesn’t make the remark less accurate.
Anon
No, I have seen them struggle and feel for them. Learning healthy habits at an early age was a blessing that I couldn’t realize at the time. I only focused on my appearance rather than the health aspect.
I feel like it’s reverse for them- they are having the struggle in adulthood that I had in the teens but adulthood is a much larger portion of life.
Anon
Wait- am I supposed to feel bad for developing healthy habits as an insecure teenager that I’ve maintained over the years?
If so, I definitely don’t.
Anonymous
Wow nope everything you just said is toxic
JB
This was me in high school and college (every picture with friends is me doubled over to get my head near their’s). Honestly, these are all normal feelings, because high school is tough and no one wants to stand out. The glances/ catcalling was particular hard/ embarrassing compared to peers because no amount of clothing will deflect those comments and makes you feel slimy.
I don’t know that therapy would be helpful unless you are really worried about disordered activities and if you go that route, please don’t pick a skinny/ petite therapist.
What helped me was 1) looking at my family members and realizing that plus or minus a size, this is my genes’ natural state and 2) staying involved in sports where physical strength is a positive. The well fitting clothing is a great suggestion too (hello taking everything in at the waist).
Anon
I’d be careful of steering her towards plus-size or body positive influencers. If she’s struggling with being larger than her friends (overall, not weight-wise), I’m not sure it’s going to do good for her to think that you think she is “plus size.” It may cause her to freak out that this is how everyone thinks of her and start adopting unhealthy behaviors to make herself “normal size.”
Also keep in min that at a certain point, the more you are obviously trying to make her *not* develop an eating disorder, the more possible it is for her to start to think there is a reason that she needs to. For example, if you constantly praise her for eating large meals or make comments about it being great that she feels confident about her body by wearing a certain outfit, etc. (implying there’s a reason that she shouldn’t), she’s going to pick up on that. I’d try to keep the focus off of it, just help her to build healthy habits (exercise, good eating, etc. which it sounds like she already has) without a focus on weight.
I was also taller/bigger than my peers, so I’ve been there. I’ve also seen a lot of my friends struggle with EDs, and a lot of it came from parents who were harsh on their appearances but didn’t give them healthy ways to make changes (not that they were usually justified, but still). If you tell a young girl that she’s getting too large, but offer her no help, she’ll end up starving herself all day to eat one cookie for dinner. Instead, if a girl is *actually* struggling with a weight problem, help her to become more physically active, eating better (meaning more fruit/veg, less processed sugars, rather than ‘don’t eat’), etc.
Anon
“She’s also bugged by the number on the scale, which is in the 140s (she’s 5’8”, size 4-6) while many of her friends barely break 100. Despite the fat that they’re also shorter than her, she fees her weigh is “giant.” BMI charts put her at the top of the normal range, which makes her feel bad, but I tried to explain that they’re not good for muscular people, which she is (student athlete.)”
I’m 5’8, so I happen to know what the normal BMI-based weight range for my height is: 125 pounds to 163 pounds. She does not need to be told that she’s “muscular” and therefore it’s okay for her to be at the “upper” end of BMI; she’s smack dab in the middle of the BMI for her height.
You’ve also described her at “thicc” and said that being pale is somehow bad for her body type.
The way you describe her body is… odd, like, you understand that she has a nice body but you also are giving off the distinct impression that not thin = less desirable. Or you think it’s okay for a POC to have those curves but not for a kid with a different heritage. She probably looks a lot like Jennifer Lawrence (5’7, 139 pounds), and describing that body type as “thicc” just… blows my mind.
OP
You’re reading a lot into my post that I didn’t put there. My comment about thicc was in reply to a comment another poster made about her cultural heritage that values fuller body types. We are basically white (small % non-white), and it has been my experience, also as the owner of a fuller body type, that being curvy is not valued in our culture. She gets this message from social media and her friend group, and basically the world at large.
Before this instance we didn’t talk about other people’s bodies at all, though I have mentioned to her that when I was a teenager “ballet thin” was the look everyone was going for, and it was impossible for me because I’m just not built like that. To the extent we’ve talked about her body, I’ve talked about how strong she is, because I’m very aware of the messaging.
Anon
OP, whether or not you intended it, you did in fact put that in there.
Honestly, I find it a little weird for you to use the term “fuller body” to describe, basically, Jennifer Lawrence, and “upper end” to describe a BMI of 21.
anon
Yeah I’m the same height and weight as OP’s daughter and I was shocked to learn I’m at the upper end of the BMI range for my height! That’s simply not accurate. I think it would’ve done lasting damage if my mom had called my size 4 body “thicc” or “fuller” when I am actually quite thin (though admittedly not by high school standards but that’ll be over soon enough).
OP
I don’t think of my daughter as having a fuller body. She thinks of herself that way. I think of her as curvy (not as a euphemism for plus size) whereas she is comparing herself to her friends who are straight up and down. She also used the word “thicc” and complained about how having pale skin makes it seem worse.
She is also the one who told me she is on the upper end of the BMI charts – I didn’t check. She didn’t tell me her exact weight. Just that it was in the 140s and that most of her friends weigh around 100 lbs.
Anyway, I’m trying to get her some help because she asked for it. I do appreciate any leads toward things she can read on her own. We are trying to find an in-network therapist, but anyone who has gone through this process recently would understand how difficult and what a lengthy process that can be.
Alana
Since this is a fashion blog, perhaps checking out blogs and YouTube videos on style for different bodies could help. The David Kibbe style system is a useful one, as it celebrates the ways in which people’s bodies differ and focuses on choosing styles that work best with their body type. It’s more in depth than the hourglass, banana, apple, pear system, and it’s more about celebrating what you’ve got, rather than aiming to replicate a tall, lean hourglass.
Sunshine
Thank you for helping your daughter. That’s first. Second, I too was like her. I was fully grown by 6th grade (5’9″, 34C, size 10 shoe, 145 lbs) and do not have any memory of weighing less than 145 lbs at any point in my life. As an 40 year old, I weigh 150; very little has changed about my body since I was 12. And I felt like a gargantuan next to my friends. There’s no way around it. While my friends were wearing cute tween clothes, I was wearing mom clothes because that’s what fit and what we could afford. I hated it.
When I was about 23, I finally realized that being tall is awesome. I absolutely love it, and I’m so glad I’m tall. But the years before then, were just tough and I wanted to be what I wasn’t. There isn’t much you can do about it other than continue to support her and hope she mentally grows into her height.
My mom always emphasized healthful eating and being physically capable. Not in a teaching sense, but in a general talking about life way, she emphasized all the things that go into making up a healthy body. She never talked about her weight and body in a negative way. And she emphasized good posture. A lot of tall girls hunch because they think it makes them look smaller; it doesn’t. Tall women with great posture are striking while tall women with poor posture appear unsure of themselves.
My best friend is about 5’1″ and might weigh 100 lbs as a fully grown woman. Other than the obvious size differences, she and I have almost identical bodies in terms of muscle mass, body fat percentages, shape. We were talking about it recently and she talked about how much she hated being so tiny as a child—13 year old me thought being her size would have been wonderful, but she hated it. This was another example of “don’t judge your insides against someone else’s outsides.”
anon
Context is I grew quickly and was, until high school, invariably the tallest AND largest girl in my class (& I basically have not grown since I was 12, I’m in my 30s now). Instead of just telling your daughter she is beautiful and fine as she is, which I would encourage you to keep doing, I would also start telling her that there is huge variation in how people grow, and what her friends look like right now will likely not be how they look in a few years or as adults. Encourage your daughter to also notice her friend’s parents and see that if Becky is a junior’s size 5 now her mom Janet is a regular adult size 8 and so Becky is also likely to be a regular adult size 8 eventually.
Mal
Hey there,
First of all, congrats to you for not wanting your daughter to to perpetuate negativity around her body. I developed early, and was always larger and curvier – shopping in the women’s section as a tween. These experiences of body discomfort still haunt me to some extent at 30, but things are much better!
Some thoughts: I think it’s a good idea to NOT put a focus on not focusing on her looks – don’t put her looks in comparison to others, for instance. I would also guide her to questions WHY she feels negatively about her body…what does she worry about? Not feeling accepted in her friend group? Not being attractive? Not finding a partner someday? Challenge these fears – remind her that all shapes and sizes find love and acceptance, and it’s not dependent on one particular look. Also, when she talks negatively about herself, ask – If you heard a friend talk this poorly about themselves, what would you say? Help her realize that she can be kind to herself – it is possible!
This work is important, and your care with it will be so helpful as she gets older.
Mal
Hey there,
First of all, congrats to you for not wanting your daughter to to perpetuate negativity around her body. I developed early, and was always larger and curvier – shopping in the women’s section as a tween. These experiences of body discomfort still haunt me to some extent at 30, but things are much better!
Some thoughts: I think it’s a good idea to NOT put a focus on focusing on her looks – don’t put her looks in comparison to others, for instance. I would also guide her to questions WHY she feels negatively about her body…what does she worry about? Not feeling accepted in her friend group? Not being attractive? Not finding a partner someday? Challenge these fears – remind her that all shapes and sizes find love and acceptance, and it’s not dependent on one particular look. Also, when she talks negatively about herself, ask – If you heard a friend talk this poorly about themselves, what would you say? Help her realize that she can be kind to herself – it is possible! If her friends or people around you make body comments, help her discuss and challenge them.
Also, the focus on what her body can do is so important (vs looks only) – from personal experience (with family) sometime you look your “best” when you are literally feeling your worst in in your worst health.
This work is important, and your care with it will be so helpful as she gets older.
Mal
Whoops made edits and it re-posted…sorry!
OP
Thanks. I wanted you to know I saw this and I appreciate your thoughts.
Anon
If anyone here is a judge/prosecutor/criminal attorney, could you give me some insight into how sentencing hearings work?
I am the victim in a felony DV case where the defendant is pleading guilty. I just got off the phone with the prosecutor and am more confused than I was before. There is no trial because of the plea, but there will be a sentencing hearing.
The prosecutor is planning on showing photos of my injuries and talking about what it was like for her to meet me (like a month later, when my injuries were almost all healed). She wants me to get a bunch of people to testify about the emotional impact on them and for me to talk about the emotional impact on me. The defendant has legions of people lined up to talk about what a great guy he is, how this was a momentary lapse in judgment, etc.
There is other evidence related to the crime and restraining order hearing, but she said she will only present it “if it makes you feel better” and that she’s otherwise planning to “make it up as I go along”. Is this…normal? I feel like the strength of my/the state’s argument that he should be detained is in the evidence, especially since I have far fewer people who can testify on my behalf, but I get the impression that sentencing is completely an emotional appeal. The defendant has no criminal history, for what that’s worth.
Anonymous
Sentencing isn’t about establishing evidence. He gets to present mitigating factors- Arthur he’s a good guy. Prosecution gets to present victim impact- how what he did impacted you. Then how much all of that weighs into the decision varies based on the state. The prosecutor knows what she’s doing.
Anon
+1
Am a DV prosecutor. In my state, things are done differently — there’s no plea without a promised sentence — but we do these kinds of hearings after trial. But Once he’s plead guilty, he already admitted that he did whatever he plead guilty to. The judge can sentence him to anything within the legal range of the crime — the sentencing hearing is for each side to argue that he should be sentence to either the higher or lower end of the range. Oh and we often “make things up as we go along” — you have to gauge how the evidence/mitigation is coming in, where the judge is leaning, etc., to figure out which things to emphasize.
The only advice I can give, is that if there is a history/pattern of abuse, and you have not discussed this with the prosecutor, to bring it up to her ASAP.
Good luck to you. I am always incredibly impressed with strength the victims/survivors I work with.
Anon
Ok, that makes sense. There is a history of abuse that I have discussed with the prosecutor, but it was financial and emotional abuse that didn’t break any laws, so she said it’s not relevant. Thanks.
Anon
Thanks, that is reassuring. I guess I was expecting this to be more based on his likelihood of rehabilitation and/or risk to the public.
Anon
Can you write a victim impact statement? When I was in a similar situation, writing one was really cathartic for me.
Anon
Also does your state have some kind of victims advocacy organization? My state has an office of victims rights that’s part of the department of law and staffed by attorneys. I found them incredibly helpful in navigating processes.
Anon
I have a victim advocate assigned through the DA’s office, but when I can get a hold of her she just tells me to call the prosecutor.
Anonymous
Not OP, but I think victim impact statements become court documents that are available to the public. Is that true? So when writing, one should consider that it’s open to the public vs getting too personal?
Anonymous
IANAL so no advice for you, but I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.
Anon
I agree with the first comment. Sentencing is all about mitigating or aggravating factors associated with the crime. Guilt is just whether he did or not. The prosecutor is not trying to prove your injuries. Instead the crime falls in one of three categories. Let’s say it is felony domestic violence assault. It can be a baseline one, it can be one with aggravating factors or it can be one with mitigating factors.
Just for example sake, an aggravating factor could be your child was present and saw the assault. A mitigating factor could be he has a brain tumor effecting his ability to regulate his anger.
Sentences are usually in a range. Again just making something up here. Say he is facing 5-10 years. The aggravating factors point the judge to the higher end, mitigating to the bottom end and baseline to the middle. I hope that helps!
Anon
That is helpful, thank you.
Anon
You are so strong.
Anonymous
“Make it up as you go along” is standard procedure in criminal practice.
Anon
I have got to get a grip on this mask acne. It’s horrible. I have had nice skin for years and all of a sudden I‘m breaking out daily. I hardly go anywhere, so I’m not even wearing one that often. But even wearing it for 2 minutes to go into my apartment lobby and get my mail gives me a pimple. The bottom half of my face is covered in them. I’ve tried over the counter treatments, but they don’t do anything for prevention. I wear 100% cotton masks as I read that was best for skin and acne issues, but does anyone have any other recommendations? I have sensitive skin. Would silk be better? I’m desperate.
Anon
I should also add that I’m not wearing any type of makeup right now
Anon
That sounds more like allergic dermatitis than acne. Have you tried masks in different materials?
Cat
yeah, that limited of wear shouldn’t be giving you acne, especially if the “acne” appears very quickly after wearing.
if it IS acne – are you sitting differently at home than you would be at work – perhaps cupping your chin in your hands? That is a habit I had to break for the same reason.
Carmen Sandiego
I too have noticed random spots/pimples here and there now that I’m wearing masks, after years of having no issues. I spot-treat with Differin gel and I also use the Herbivore Blue Tansy Face mask a couple times a week (I really have no idea how or why this particular product works, but it has made my skin so clear, I swear by it! I also like the corresponding Lapis face oil at night, but really the mask just does it for me!)
anne-on
Sulfur ointment. I use the de la cruz sulfur stuff (cheap as anything, on amazon or in the ‘ethnic’ aisle of the drug stores). I use q-tips and apply a thin layer of it to my chin/cheeks/nose any day I wear a mask. 30 or so minutes does it, wipe it off with a tissue and then wash your face. This dramatically dries out the pimples in a day or so. If you normally have dryer skin you may want to moisturize afterwards.
I have a ridiculous amount of actives/prescriptions and this is the only thing that works. My dermatologist suggested salicylic acid (stridex pads) and a sulfur wash but even he admitted my sulfur solution was cheaper and more effective, but that most people wouldn’t deal with the smell and do it.
MagicUnicorn
Your masks might have some sort of detergent or fabric softener residue on them that is irritating your skin. Have you tried washing and drying them with no product a few times in order to rinse out anything like that?
Anonymous
Possibly wash your face or use a facial wipe after taking your mask off (maybe making your trip to the lobby at the end of day for convenience)?
Anon
I had a mild cough about ten days ago. I got tested and am self quarantining while waiting for results. I had to wait 3 days for a test, wait an hour for a drive thru test even with an appointment and now it’s been 6 days since the test and I haven’t yet gotten results. Aside from the cough which was very mild and lasted 2-3 days, I’ve felt 100% fine
I was very involved with my area’s covid response (and sadly will likely be again soon) and a good friend did a lot of work on sourcing testing materials. I fully understand the importance of taking this seriously, quarantining out of caution, and the limited number of testing supplies and even I’m fed up with this!
It’s a mess from a public health standpoint (starting contract tracing 10+ days after the onset symptoms is useless) and it’s a mess from a getting the public to comply side (I don’t have a lot of faith that people will follow recommendations when it takes so long to get results).
Anonymous
I got tested 6 days ago. Nothing.
Anon
That’s so frustrating. I got tested pre-surgery a couple of weeks ago and the results were available in 48 hours, which was the surgery center’s requirement (the test couldn’t be any older than 48 hours). So, obviously they CAN do it more quickly, they’re just NOT.
Anon
No, this isn’t quite true. There are different types of tests, different labs, and not every entity has access to the same ones. My local (small town) hospital wants to buy a machine to do tests but they’re not exactly easy to find these days, nor are the materials required to do the testing. It’s not a matter of not wanting or not caring enough.
Monday
There’s also the prioritization of health care workers (and other groups like people admitted inpatient). My coworkers and I get Covid results usually within a day (hospital employees) but I hear that in my area, 5-7 days is the expected wait time. I think this is reasonable if labs can’t provide everyone with quick results.
Same
Yep. I had what I thought were very mild symptoms on Sat and Sun. Tested on Tuesday (ouch!!) Kept myself and my family (including kids) isolated while waiting for results. Friday the test site calls and says the lab couldn’t properly test the same, and did I want to retest? Results would be 5-7 days. Sigh. I just decided to assume the test would have been positive and counted days from symptom onset per CDC guidelines and we’ll be “free” (always masked up!) when that’s over. I have the luxury of working from home and my kids don’t really mind when I allow them to hang out in their rooms all day on their electronics..but most families are not so lucky.
If we aren’t able to speed up the test results it will be very hard to get this under some semblance of control.