ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Foster Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I want to buy this dress in every color and turn it into my new work uniform. Sleeves? Check. Not too long or too short? Check. Belted at the waist for a flattering silhouette? Check. I'm sold! If you have a lot of work travel in your future, this dress is wrinkle-resistant and looks like it would be comfortable enough to wear on a long plane or train ride. Plus, it's machine washable, so it can go directly into the wash when you get home. This pine color is so pretty, but if you're looking for something a little more neutral, it also comes in black and navy.

The dress is $215 and available in sizes 00–14. Foster Dress

A lower-priced option from Calvin Klein is available in sizes 2–16 for $121; also try this machine-washable dress from Maggy London, which is $128 at Dillard's and comes in sizes 0—18. This dress (also machine washable) is available in 14–28 and is $109 at Eloquii.

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Sales of note for 12.5

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353 Comments

  1. For those of you with outdoor seating, what is the best furniture? I have a patio and I thought I’d use it more, but there are bugs (mosquitoes) out there and when it’s not buggy, the seat cushions are wet from the rain. Does anyone have a good outdoor couch that they like or want to school me in the ways of enjoying a patio?

    1. We have those mesh-style chairs (like a soft fabric almost). They dry quickly. For the bugs – Thermacell repellent works well! (Found at REI in store)

    2. Store the cushions out of the weather when not in use. I think Rubbermaid makes a plastic end-table sort of thing that’s exactly large-cushion-size for this very purpose. It’s watertight, so you can just keep them in it, next to the furniture when not in use.

      1. +1

        Amazon has some reasonably priced storage boxes that aren’t ugly. Crate & Barrel has some that cost 10x as much.

      2. I have a Rubbermaid chest as well. I just leave the cushions in the chest outside, and take the cushions out when I want to use them.

    3. We have wood patio furniture with no cushions because of the rain issue. For bugs, get a screen house.

    4. I wish I knew. We spent about $2,500 on outdoor furniture when we moved into our house. It immediately got rained on and got moldy and disgusting and we’ve never used it since. I don’t understand how people can keep a patio set looking nice unless you live somewhere like SoCal where it rains infrequently enough that you can bring the cushions in every time it rains.

      1. LOL glad I’m not the only one! And yes we get rain here every few days, no sunny California for us!

      2. If it rains on my cushions I flip them so that they dry completely. My patio is also full sun.

    5. We bring in the seat cushions all the time. It is a pain in the butt, but in our climate, I can’t figure out a way around that unless I want the cushions to get ruined in a matter of weeks.

      1. +1, my parents keep their patio cushions in the garage when not in use. PITA but the only way.

        For the bugs, check out mosquito coils, which work better than citronella candles for us.

    7. You can also get big patio boxes where you can store the cushions when you’re not using them if you don’t have a place to put them inside. I am in the south and love my patio, but I have to be diligent about putting the cushions inside when not using them. The alternative is furniture that doesn’t need cushions, but obviously that’s not as comfy. You can mitigate mosquitoes by using a fan in the area and making sure there’s absolutely no standing water, but that’s about the best I’ve been able to do on the bug front.

      1. Yup, my parents have theirs in a box by default and take them out to use. The waterproof box is right there on the patio. It’s easy enough, especially since you often only need one or two cushions.

    8. I adore my set from Home Depot – the Edington line. Absolutely key is to buy cushion covers. They’re not ideal to wrangle each time you want to sit outside, but much easier than bringing cushions in and out and have kept our furniture looking great for 5 years at this point. We replaced the covers after 4 years (mid-Atlantic, freeze and summer cycles).

    9. I have a covered patio and bring in my cushions in the winter. Otherwise I just dust them off if they look dirty. I have a chair and table set for eating outside and some zero gravity chairs for lounging (they’re made of fabric but it is heavy duty and dries well, so maybe that’s an option for you. Not particularly stylish, but incredibly comfortable).

      I find a box fan works best for keeping bugs away. Mosquitoes aren’t strong fliers and it helps keep me cool when it’s hot.

    10. Thank you all! Will look into a cushion box and mosquito coils and screen house, I appreciate the replies!

    11. I live in FL, and it was super important to me to have cushions that did not need to be stored. It rains just about every day during the summer. Our solution was expensive (~$700 for sectional sofa cushions and 7 pillows), but I had custom Sunbrella covers made (NC Patio Cushions on Etsy) for the seat cushions to fit my sofa, then had marine foam cut to size. The marine foam is meant for boats and drains easily – it’s usually dry 20-30 minutes after a downpour. If you spend a lot of time outdoors, I really recommend paying up and getting something that’s super functional. Once every few months we unzip all of the covers, hose off the foam, and wash the covers in the washing machine then hang to dry.

    12. I bit the bullet last year and bought a set of teak rocking chairs with a side table. Our patio is uncovered so with this set and a colorful umbrella, it looks nice and wears well so we don’t have to worry about the rain (we do store everything in the basement over the winter). Teak is an investment for sure, but I bought during the offseason on Hayneedle when there was a small discount.

      1. Similar, we bit the bullet and got teak Adirondack chairs. At a store so we could test them out for comfort.

        After ruining a set of cushions on other furniture, I needed to acknowledge to myself if I need to store and unstore cushions I will basically not use our yard to lounge.

    13. Here’s your bug answer: https://spartanmosquito.com/

      We live on the Virginia coast in a literal swamp (many of you follow our old house on IG – this isn’t a spam post) and the mosquitoes are unbelievable. The first time we used the Spartan things, the old man who had been mowing the lawn at our property for a decade thought we had had a professional service come out and fog – he had never been to our property without being eaten alive.

      My understanding is that when the mosquitoes feed on the liquid in the feeders, their tummies explode, killing them.

      I’m one of those people who can walk outside and look like I’ve got a case of the chicken pox within minutes if I don’t have on long sleeves and long pants and serious bug spray. With the Spartans, I can walk around in shorts with “gentle” bug spray on and be fine. It’s beyond amazing.

      We found them at our local Ace Hardware. The price at Ace is a fraction of what they go for on Amazon. I think they’re $12 per box in store maybe? And they’re $20 a box or so on Amazon.

  2. What do you do when another associate asks you what cases you are working on?

    I’m a junior associate. Recently, senior associate A was chit chatting with me and asked me about what I was working on. I mentioned a case I was working on with senior associate B and partner X. Senior associate A seemed really interested in the case. I just said we were busy. Shortly thereafter, partner X appeared to have asked A to join the case and work on something urgent. B was not happy about this, and asked me if I had told A about the case (it seemed that A had approached the partner somehow and asked to join the case). B then convinced the partner that it was not necessary for A to join the case. So A did not end up joining the case. Both A and B are at the same levels of seniority and up for partner this year, so they are competitors though collegial. Now I feel wary of A, and am also concerned that I burned a bridge with B. Looking back, I made a mistake telling A about the case. What I don’t understand is this: why did A want to join the case? It’s not particularly sexy and we were already staffed with B. A also kept talking about how busy he was. Could it be because the partner is retiring and A wants to be on everything that partner is on? A is constantly asking everyone what cases they are working on, which is quite annoying. Now I understand why he is doing this. Going forward, what is the right strategy when A asks me something similar again? What is the strategy when anyone asks me this question again? Should I always be careful and not discuss what cases I’m working on? I like knowing what others are working on but would never deliberately try to join their case unless asked. But the same is not true for everyone. It seems that any time I explain what cases I’m working on, there is a risk that the person I’m talking to might try to jump on my case, including a competitor. So is it better to never explain what I’m working on or say them in a roundabout way? What is the correct reading/takeaway of what happened here?

    1. The correct reading is that law firms are competitive and you cannot control other people’s choices. Another important takeaway is that Just because people senior to you are annoyed does not mean you did anything wrong – discussing what cases you are on with your colleagues is very normal and it would be difficult / odd to be vague about that. Who know what A’s goals were but they aren’t your problem, B handled the situation and can take care of themself. If you feel there is actually an issue with B, at a time they aren’t slammed ask if they can grab coffee and say how much you’ve enjoyed working with them and how much you’re learning and ask some mentoring questions – how can you be an effective associate, what were some of the big lessons they learned as a junior associate, etc. People like to feel helpful. And when an opportunity presents itself compliment B to partner – like, if partner is really happy with your draft of something be sure to say that you really benefited from B’s guidance and are so glad to be on this team. (Do NOT do this unless you know partner liked the work, otherwise can backfire terribly).
      You will have a zillion of these turf wars and hurt feelings if you stay in a law firm – it is critical for your mental health that you develop some detachment from the situation and recognize there are a lot of strong feelings and unknown agendas that you could not predict. Focus on doing good work, building strong relationships with nice people, and when you end up in the middle of drama just observe it and don’t make it worse by gossiping.

      1. This is very helpful. Can you please write a book about how to deal with similar situations like this? No joke.

        1. I don’t know that you should need a whole book to figure out these situations, though.

          1. I have more sympathy – it can be truly terrifying as a junior associate to feel like you messed up. With time, you will have more perspective and confidence that weird situations will blow over and that when people are mad *around* you that does not mean they are mad *at* you.

      2. Whenever I have an interesting case, I tell the manageing partner so that he can help me if I have any issues. He does NOT like to be suprized if I do something different that he does not know about, tho if the issues are NOT novel, he does NOT even want to hear about it. In the latter case, all he cares about is the billings, which is why HE is the manageing partner. I have learned over the years to minimize my time with the manageing partner on mundane issues, and maximize my billeings on such cases, b/c they are our bread and butter. YAY!!!

    2. Your strategy is to not take sides. You don’t know who is going to make partner from A and B and your job is to win over as many allies as possible. So be helpful to everyone.

    3. None of the drama in levels above you that you’re describing is your fault or your business. You’re going to look really weird if people ask what you’re working on and you don’t just tell them. If anything, you might default to talking about one of your cases that is well-known in the firm or that the person you’re talking to already knows about. But unless you’re restricted by a Chinese wall, there’s nothing wrong with just being frank about talking about your work.

      And if I had to bet, I’d wager that neither Associate A nor Associate B are going to make partner at this law firm, just based on your anecdote.

    5. Talking about what cases you’re working on is not a mistake. It’s just being a normal person. Stay a normal person.

      1. What Firm Life said. I would not want to work in a place where people didn’t talk about their cases. I also see nothing wrong with an associate at any level going to a partner and asking to work on a case.

    6. You didn’t make a mistake by telling A what you were working on. A sounds like he is annoying everyone (partners and associates alike) in his quest to prove to the partnership just how great he is. This will likely backfire on A.
      Who knows how the conversations with partner X and A, and then partner X and B actually went. If for example A had told partner X that B couldn’t handle something, but B actually could, I can see why B wanted to keep the work.

  3. What would you wear to a wedding where the dress code is “California casual”? To me, that implies really casual. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing, say, jeans to a wedding. Also, I suspect that many others will not be dressed truly casually. A jumpsuit? Or maxi dress, with sandals? It’s in May in Northern California, and another issue is that it might be cold in the evening.

    1. Yes to your instincts, jumpsuit is great, as are a maxi or midi dress, flat sandal or wedges, feel free to add a wrap or even a jean jacket for at night. I’d honestly take cues from the venue, too – look up their instagram for photos of other similar events if they have one and figure out what you’d be comfortable wearing there.

    2. More casual than a typical wedding but definitely not jeans. Jumpsuit or maxi dress sounds good. Definitely bring a warm layer if the wedding will be outside at all.

      1. Yeah a boho-style maxi dress topped with a jean jacket (if it’s cold) and some espadrilles is what I would probably wear. I’d wear long, dangly earings and pull my hair up in a soft, braided updo.

    5. According to the LA Times:
      “Wallerich says: ‘The California Casual look never means shorts and sneakers. It means wear something trendy and fun, or something flowy or strapless with a designer sandal.’ Men can wear silk blend slacks, and a sport coat with or without a tie.”

      That’s the best I’ve got. But IMHO, suggested wedding attire isn’t an opportunity for the couple to showcase their personalities or how chic they are; it should be a clear way of communicating to the guests what attire is appropriate for the venue and would make them feel comfortable with what the other guests are wearing. (My suggested attire basically said – you’re all adults, please look nice, but if you need specifics, something along the lines of semi-formal – and then I included a link as to what I meant by semi-formal.)

    6. I’d wear a casual sundress or jersey knit dress with a fun scarf, purse, accessories.

  4. Does anyone have the Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack – or a promo code to share for L&S for that matter? I know there’s a sale now, but if there’s a code that stacks out there, please share! I travel to our SF office and to visit clients a couple times a month and really need to invest in a backpack for schlepping around the city. I like the silhouette and the Rowledge looks like it’s smartly designed, particularly I like the functionality of the zip out waterbottle holders. If you have strong feelings about another backpack (Tumi or other), I’m open to listening.

    1. I have it. I really like it. I got it less as a work bag and more as a “personal item” for plane travel, in addition to my rolling, carry-on size suitcase, but I have been tempted to give my beloved Legend tote a few days off and see what it would be like to carry as a work bag.

    2. Have it, love it. Like Maudie Atkinson, I mainly got it for a personal item on flights. It’s brilliantly designed. I’ve carried it for work, but it’s more than I need for a work bag.

      1. this is good to know! I’ve been hesitating myself because of the price, but I also haven’t found another (cheaper) bag with as many logical storage compartments.

  5. Wise women, I am having a lot of self esteem issues because of my skin. I am nearly 40 and TTC, so my hormones are all over the place. I don’t have acne all over my face, but I have been having a handful of very persistent, cystic spots. Because of family planning I am limited in my treatment options. I go in for kenelog injections to bring down the size of the most monster-sized zits, but given my coloring a big issue is also the hyperpigmintation after a zit flattens out. I realize this seems like a superficial issue, but I am feeling so self-conscious and actually full of shame about the state of my skin. And then I feel more shame because I intellectually know this is not a big deal. I’ve dealt with acne my adult life and I am just so sick of it. It makes me feel like there is something wrong and imbalanced with me. I’ve talked to my husband about this, but I’m too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else IRL.

    1. Your feelings are 100% valid. Full stop.
      Since this is a short term issue, I’d try makeup. If you don’t wear foundation it may be time to try it.

    2. I’m in a similar position, so hugs to you. A dermatologist would be the best option to get advice specifically for you.

    3. I’m sorry and I feel you. I don’t think it is superficial to want to feel happy and at peace in your skin. I struggled a lot with acne and it flared up while I was pregnant and at first I thought there was much I could do but you do have some options! Definitely see a dermatologist and also check with your OB. They might have differing opinions on product safety. While pregnant and breastfeeding, my dermatologist gave me a prescription for azelaic acid that I think helps a lot. There are also some pregnancy-safe antibiotic options to treat acne but that felt like a big step to me and I think they can bring their own side effects. I’m allergic to sulfur but if you aren’t, you can use sulfur-based spot treatments which are really effective. I think the Mario Badescu one is pregnancy safe but double check to be sure. I’d also recommend using a double-cleanse method at the end of the day. I use the One Love Organic oil cleanser and the Indie Lee brightening cleanser, which I think are both pregnancy friendly. I’d also recommend the Julep charcoal sponge for very gentle exfoliation. I also think that a humidifier can help your skin during winter! You might try cross-posting to the mom site for some additional recs too.

      1. Azelaic acid does work, and i do believe it is safe during pregnancy. When my sister was pregnant a few years ago, her dr prescribed it. i also use something called Dapsone, which helps tremendously but i don’t know if that is pregnancy safe. it is a cream as well. i have had many acne problems, and in addition to those two prescriptions, i have had luck using a low pH cleanser (Corsx) and a Cerave moisturizer for day with a Tatcha moisturizer for night. I also shave my face once a week for exfoliation. I have acne prone sensitive skin, so many of the commonly recommended acne treatments (like salicylic acid and scrubs) are too much for me.

      2. +1 to the sulfur – I have PCOS and a sulfur mask brings those cystic spots down so quickly. The de la cruz ointment is super cheap, I’d buy a few of those, the CosRX acne patches, and then confirm if azealic acid and niacinimide are pregnancy safe. I use 15% azealic acid cream plus niacinimide for the redness/texture issues and it honestly works as well if not better than my curology prescription.

    4. Acne sucks and can do a real number on your self-confidence. It’s not superficial to worry about it. It sounds like you already have a derm in rotation if you’re getting injections – please tell them how you’re feeling!

    5. That’s rough. One of my teens inherited cystic facial acne and used Rx cream & pills. Worked great for as long as taking rx; however, no sooner was it stopped due to concern with potential long term side effects, did it return with a vengeance .
      I went to a local health food store, and after explaining teen symptoms, diet and lifestyle, was given a tincture to take daily. There has been steady improvement, albeit slower than teen would prefer. Application of tea tree oil on any particularly big blemishes has made a significant difference in the duration of blemish and reduced discoloration as well.
      As you are TTC what you make take will vary, they also mentioned supplements with sulfur as a way to address the oil in sebaceous glands from the inside out. My recommendation is go speak to someone at your local health food store for a personalized recommendation that fits your specific needs. Good luck

    6. Pregnancy acne is one of the few persistent symptoms I have. Only thing that I’ve tried that is considered “safe” and doesn’t require prescriptions or frequent derm appointments is the Shea Moisture brand of african black soap. I still get small white heads periodically, but not the big painful hormonal bumps anymore.
      Best of luck in your ttc journey!

    7. I don’t know if this is a helpful response, and if it is not, I apologize. I’m in your state. I have your skin and have just had my 3rd kid.

      My answer has been that I do not have time to GAF.

      So, if there is a way that you can build up your confidence such that it isn’t something you think about, I think it will do you worlds more good than hunting down a solution. I tried that for a while a few years back. I have a cabinet full of Rx stuff that I tried and then stopped when pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I wash my face. I pretty much stopped wearing makeup. That’s all i got, Good luck!

    8. Oh babe. I feel you. Please try to give yourself a break. You’re doing a lot! Go see a dermatologist. Also, try Zitsticka stickers!

      1. I like the Zitsticka stickers a lot. I don’t know that they are magical, but they keep me from messing with zits and making them so much worse.

    9. 100% feel ya. I’m 32 and have dealt with cystic acne since my teens. There’s a bazillion treatment options and it feels like they all take a few months to see if they’ll even work. So frustrating! I had a really low point when I was at a highly technical conference for my male-dominated industry, in a room full of 100 men/2 women, and one of my cysts starts LEAKING. I have no idea how, but it just decided to randomly burst during a software presentation. Omg it.was.horrible.

      I also have a super fun story about a yoga teacher/aesthetician referencing acne throughout the yoga class and then calling me out after class in front of a bunch of students to reference my pretty-bad breakout at the time. I was so furious/embarrassed I basically just ran out of there. And I am a confident, accomplished woman! I’ve won awards and give presentations and put together big projects. But that moment made me feel so wrong. I never went back to that yoga studio, became a yoga teacher myself, have taught for several years now, and am opening a yoga studio (side hustle thing) – and that story makes me so furious still as a teacher. And sad because I still put on light make up to go to Saturday morning yoga classes because I feel exposed without it.

      Honestly the best thing I did for my self-confidence was to be brave enough (and yes – this did require me to get some bravery together!) to walk into a Sephora sans makeup and ask for help and good products. Good makeup products have helped me so much while going through all the treatments the last five years. Recently I had another good experience at Ulta. Both salespeople were kind and understanding and shared their own struggle with acne, which made me feel way less of a freak. I don’t have any kind of elaborate makeup routine now – just concealer and foundation and powder most days – but I feel way better about it.

      1. As a fellow yogi, your experience at that yoga class infuriates me. If you’re in the DC area, I’d love to visit your studio. Congrats!

    10. OP here. Thank you to everyone who took the time to share your experience. Just knowing that I am not alone in feeling this way (and that it is okay to!) makes today a bit less painful.

  6. I’ve seen Old Navy Pixie pants recommended here on a fairly regular basis. I bought a 3 pairs and while I like the fit, I’ve been very dissatisfied with the quality. The fabric seems to get faded and generally ratty looking in a short period of time (around 5 washes) to the point where I’d be embarrassed to wear them in public let alone to the office. I wash inside out in cold water with woolite for darks. I do realize we’re talking about Old Navy here, not a high-end brand, but I’ve seen them recommended here with enough frequency I figured I would ask if anyone else had the same experience/troubleshooting ideas.

    1. They worked for me out of the box but quickly just lost their shape. Loft Julie pants worked a lot better for me — more expensive initially, but cost per wear has been lower.

      1. +1 on all counts. I just re-stocked my Loft pants during a sale. FYI – I think they’re phasing out the “Julie” and “Marisa” designations for a “curvy fit.”

    2. I’ve had a similar experience – and just purchase BR Sloans either on sale or via Poshmark.

    3. It sounds like you’re doing all that you can and that the quality just isn’t there. I’m having the same experience with one of the new merino sweaters from Uniqlo. It has a hole after four wears and 2-3 washes on delicate whereas ones I bought there two years ago are perfect after dozens of washes.

    4. Yes, I have one pair of ON Pixie’s that I bought in a color I couldn’t find in the JCrew Minnies. I have stopped wearing them because they stretch so quickly and IMO look generally sloppy. I will keep buying the Minnies on Poshmark instead. I don’t have any recommendations to preserve the ONs, but instead maybe try the Minnies?

    5. I think they’re really crappy pants, tbh, and do not understand why they get so much love from this board.

    6. Pants that inexpensive will never last long.

      Agree that the Loft pants, which are quite inexpensive on sale, are a much better value. And still, I do not wash them often, hang well to preserve shape, wash only on delicate (inside out, with Woolite darks as you do), hang to dry. Overwashing/drying is your enemy. I only buy dark colored pants that can go longer between washing.

    7. Yes and I don’t get why people like them. I am a devotee of Sloan pants from Banana and I dry clean them.

      1. Another Sloan devotee. I wash with like colors in cold water, then hang dry. I learned the tip from this site, actually: hang them by the bottom hems, so that the weight of the pants remove wrinkles. Just line up the hems seam to seam, and save $20 :)

    8. We are adults with jobs. Old Navy pants are for kids. I love the White House Black Market slim ankle pant — they aren’t ponte, but they are super comfy, hold their shape well and hold up over time really well. They have a zillion colors on clearance for $25-$30 right now.

      1. Agree Elizabeth- the WHBM slim ankle are great. They don’t get stretched out and saggy in the knees/rear. They wash well…hang to dry. I have a pair that’s 3 years old and looks great.

    9. If it’s a one-time issue, it’s the pants. If you generally have trouble with clothing wearing out quickly, then you may need an in-line water filter for your house (not sure how to handle this if you rent, though). Hard water destroys clothing quickly.

    10. The quality on these used to be much better. I have a couple of pairs left that are probably 3 or 4 years old and even though they’re on their last legs they’re still better than the ones I ordered a couple of months ago to replace them. Time for a new go-to pair of pants for me.

    11. I also tried them on this board’s rec and ditto the super short life span (agree on ~5 washes). I switched over to the Cameron pant at J.Crew and love them.

    12. I bought a pair once and thought the fabric was really cheap and the legs were weirdly tight and bunchy. I am picky about fabric though, so not really Old Navy’s target customer.

    13. I had a navy pair that faded a lot and a black pinstriped pair that didn’t fade at all, so it seems to depend on the fabric and color a lot. I also actually use the Old Navy Harper pants (not Pixie) for fit reasons.

  7. I see a lot of women wearing tiered, ruffled, patterened midi dresses that appear to be fancier (fabrics / finishes / detailings are nicer — like you’d wear these to a wedding or a date). I think that maybe Anthro would be a place for these? Where else?

    I feel like I have mostly sheath dresses or patterned DVF shifts, but all of my clothes seem to scream “office-appropriate” and I’d like something that is nice-looking but not so corporate feeling.

    And what footwear? Boots? I seem to have doubled-down on block-heel pumps (the JCrew knockoff of the Everlane pumps) lately.

    1. I like Misa dresses for this (find hem as similar on Shopbop), I wear with sandals

      1. WOW — Tuckernuck (which I always thought was TuckerNUT) has so many caftans. My inner Mrs. Roper is so happy to see this!

    3. Yumi Kim and Reformation are some brands to try. Shopbop, Revolve, Anthro, and Nordstrom are good sources in general.

    5. I bought one from Joie and wear it with a leather moto jacket and booties and I love it.

    6. Anthro or Neiman Marcus Last Call. LC is having a great sale right now, BTW.

  8. Are these everywhere? I cannot explain how they are a thing (and in my SEUS city, they are a big thing, but I would have been oblivious and thought they were worn-out Converses had a friend not pointed out that a) they weren’t and b) they were multiples of the price).

    1. yes, I remember first hearing about them a few years ago when they were written up in the WSJ. I join you in being perplexed as to why they were and are a thing.

      1. OMG — this rings so true: signaling

        I wonder what else I am missing. I do not have radar that can sense such things. I saw someone over the weekend who was an absolute wreck but had her Golden Gooses on.

    4. They are huge at my daughter’s west coast college. I bought her a pair and she wears them ALL the time, making the price less painful. I also ordered myself a pair. They are still in the box with the receipt tucked in. I haven’t even opened the box because I need to think long and hard about this.

          1. And she isn’t a fake (or real) water polo recruit and I didn’t pay anyone to get her in.

          3. And you know the University of Spoiled Children, then … despite the one pair of GGs I promise you we are from the midwest and she is not!

      2. Chiming in as the voice of dissent on this thread… I have had a pair for 2+ years and still wear them regularly. I like them. To each their own.

    5. Honestly I think they’re super cute, but am scared to buy them because I’m sure they’d be out of style as soon as I do.

    6. Obviously I am in the minority here, but “why do people like things that I don’t like?” will never be an interesting topic of conversation to me. It’s perplexing that people spend time thinking about things like this.

      1. On many occasions, I’ve warmed up to something that initially turned me off because I thought it was weird. I decided to give it a try because other people liked it. I’m pretty happy that things like sushi, musicals, and skinny jeans are in my life. They might not be if I had been content to think, meh I like what I like, and hadn’t asked/wondered what other people found so appealing.

        1. Same (except not musicals, always liked those).

          Plus, I find it kind of interesting to see what are the new fads and styles, seeing as a I work in a very casual, not terribly fashionable environment. Sometimes I see things I’d like to try, sometimes I think, No way!

          And if I’m not interested, I scroll, as I do through most of the home renovation discussions, because I rent.

    7. I have never heard of them, but I just looked them up and do. not. understand. at. all. They look like sneakers I would probably toss in the trash rather than donate because they’re just that ratty. I guess there’s no accounting for taste?

  9. I need a skincare tutorial. Serums, BB cream, CC cream, night cream, moisturizers, oils, face masks, etc etc. It’s equally overwhelming and confusing. It’s also an industry I’m highly suspect of – so much predatory/misleading advertisement for expensive and sometimes ineffective products.

    About me: 35 y/o, never had great skin, still has somewhat regular acne which is largely hormone driven. I’m on an Rx for clindamycin that I use every morning. My skin trends oily but today it’s dry as a bone (hey dry, New England cold!). Right now my skin is happy with Cetphil face wash, then Clindamycin, cerave moisturizer and then sunscreen – in that order, all before make up goes on / all right before bed (minus sunscreen overnight). Definite acne scarring and sun damage. My goal isn’t necessarily to reverse any of that, mostly just to maintain and simply take better care.

    Help. Can someone explain the difference between bb/cc/serums, and then give me a no frills starting point for upping my game even just a little bit? I’m not about to do a 10-product regimen, and I will need mad convincing to move from my current (albeit drugstore) products simply because they don’t cause acne flare ups.

    1. I went to a Deciem store and walked out with a 3 step routine which really works for me. I think they have a similar function on their website and honestly, their prices are pretty similar to drugstore prices.

    2. I would start with a good skincare regime that works for you and the needs of your skin. I worked in a few skincare and pharma companies and skincare is my hobby, I watch tons of YT and go to numerous conferences for work – but recently cleared all my products and switched to an ascetic routine. And am happy with the results. I would recommend to watch a few basic videos from Dr Dray (disclaimer : I find her comms style annoying, but the content is gold), she favors simple, no-nonse approach to skincare – gentle facial wash, good sunscreen and moisturizer, specific treatment (think acne) if necessary. I myself use Shiseido Oil Cleanser followed by Cerave foaming cleanser, good moisturizer (hyaluronic acid serum followed by Physiogel), UV protection cream (I use a local dermocosmetic brand which has a rich, nourishing physical sunscreen cream) and Retin-A at night (for adult acne, post-inflamatory hyperpigmentation and early wrinkles) and was never happier with my skin.
      Regarding BB/CC: they are both just tinted moisturizers with SPF. If you use a good moisturizer and SPF cream, you can skip these. If you want to unify the skintone a d hide a few discolorations, you can either buy BB or a CC cream, or any lightweight liquid make-up (I like my MAC foundation). You can then cover any remaining spots with a concealer. Powder for matte finish and to keep your make up going strong throughout the day. I also add blush and mascara.
      As per your routine, I would ask your derm about Retin A to give you a boost for acne,sun damage and discolorations (I also saw light improvement in scarring). To trap as much moisture in your skin, you may need to combine your creams to make sure they include humectants, emollients and occlusives (that will create a layer to help keep moisture inside). Ask your derm if the clindamycin may be drying out your skin. And also check if the sunscreen is drying your skin, and if so, switch it for something else. In my experience, SLS in cleansers can also dry your skin. Dr Dray is also very much against all perfumes in cosmetics.
      My general reco is: your routine seems just enough, I would check your current products for drying ingredients and would ask derm for Retin A. Note that Retin A will first dry your skin even more, but you can manage the situation with proper regime. Good luck!

    3. Hear me out as someone who also has skin that tends to veer oily and is dealing with dry office air right about now but you need to work on protecting your skin barrier. Start with the following: a balm cleanser, a milky cleanser, a washcloth, and never using hot water on your face. As a child of the ’90s I love a foamy cleanser but it strips the skin so much and is the last thing you need in dry winter. Same goes for hot water. You may not think you need to double cleanse if you don’t wear foundation, but even on days I am no-makeup I do it because the sunscreen really sticks. And then the washcloth – this is to really ensure you clean your skin and to get a little less water on your face. Don’t scour your skin with it – be gentle. Do these first and I bet you will see an improvement and your skin will feel supple and healthy. Then you can add steps later: an acid toner, and then either Vit C (AM) or a retinol (PM) before moisturizer and spf.

      1. Yes, all of this. ^

        –If you’re both oily and dry, it’s dehydration, not true dryness.
        –Double cleansing (oil first, then creamy cleanser) is a godsend for my skin, even though I don’t wear makeup.
        –Layering light moisturizers works better than glopping on one thick cream.
        –Switching to K-care products got me much better quality without sticker shock (though they require more planning ahead, since you have to wait for them to clear customs).
        –Keep a product diary the way you would keep a food diary. It took me a while to figure out that dimethicones and silicones were causing my acne, sebaceous hyperplasia, and rosacea flares.

        Head over to R3ddit and check out SkinCareAddiction’s new user wiki. It’s got link after link of fantastic resources.

    4. So a basic skincare routine is cleanse, moisturize (if needed), sunscreen. These are the necessities. Anything you add after that is to address a specific issue.

      You apparently have some acne issues so your active is clindamycin. That’s a good active. Actives should pretty much always go directly on the skin after cleansing, but before moisturizer.

      Someone else recommended a two step cleansing routine. This may be something you need if you are not getting all of whatever you put on your face during the day off. I wear a BB cream so I double cleanse. My choice is Hada Labo cleansing oil followed by La Roche Posay Toleraine Hydrating Gentle Cleanser. I agree foaming cleansers can be too stripping if you run dry but may be ok if you tend toward oiliness.

      The gold standard 1-2 punch for anti aging is a retinoid at night and a sunscreen during the day. The retinoid will also help with acne. I would skip the over the counter retinols and ask your dermatologist for a prescription tretinoin. This may cause redness and flaking while getting used to it so follow your derm’s advice about ramping up to it. It’s an active, so it would go on your skin after washing, then if you need additional moisture, that would go over the retinoids.

      Other actives you could add would be Vitamin C (for brightening your skin, helping with brown discoloration) or chemical exfoliants in the form of acids – glycolic acid, salicylic acid (good for acne!), lactic acid, or a combination. I would not start any of this until you’re acclimated to the retinoid.

      BB creams are usually combination moisturizer, sunscreen, and foundation/concealer. A lot of us around here use Dr Jart Premium BB, which you can get at Sephora. But try a bunch, because the color is going to be important, as well as how it wears in your particular skin and over your skincare items.

      Check the cosdna website to make sure your skincare does not include comedogenic (pore-clogging) or irritating ingredients.

      Good luck!

      1. You know, I forgot to mention something. If you have physical scrubs, throw them away. This is anything from a cleanser with those micro beads to the absolute worst, St. Ives. People are attracted to these because they feel like they’ve really scrubbed the acne or dry skin away, but what the scrubs are really doing is creating micro-tears in your skin, leading to more acne or dry skin in the long run. The plastic bead stuff is particularly bad for the environment anyway. Chemical exfoliants are absolutely the way to go.

        1. The “apricot scrub causes micro-tears” trope is a never-scientifically-confirmed Internet rumor brought about by a lawsuit against St Ives that was dropped. There are also rumors that Paula’s Choice perpetuated the story to help their brand compete.

          Physical exfoliation CAN be overdone if you are not gentle, and St Ives in particular DOES have harsh drying ingredients, but that product is not the demon scrub that the Skincare Cultists make it out to be.

          2. “Very Well Health?” LOL okay. Multiple derms have told me it’s BS, but you do you with your internet sources.

    5. You’ve gotten good advice already, and I’d say you have a solid routine to start. I’d add in an oil cleanser to ensure you’re getting all the sunblock and makeup off, and then probably niacinimide (ordinary) as your other ‘active’ to address texture and redness. If you need more moisture a light sleeping mask might be a nice add in – I love the CosRx snail 92 cream – which doubles beautifully as an eye cream and is super affordable for the size.
      But if your active breakouts are controlled, and you still have redness – I’d look into a laser treatment. It’s going to be WAY more effective than anything you put on your skin, and you already have a solid routine to protect any sensitive post-treatment skin.

  11. I think I’ll give this dress a try! I bought an Of Mercer dress a couple years ago, and it’s become a staple in my closet. It’s not “WOW” in any way, but its such good quality, fits perfectly (hides my bumps and lumps) and way cheaper than Theory and MM. Any other dresses you ladies have tried that you can recommend from them?
    https://www.ofmercer.com/products/black-bedford-dress-v2

  12. My refrigerator door gasket has really nasty black mold – what’s the best way to clean this? It feels weird to me to clean something so toxic with just soap and water, but I saw some things online that said bleach will damage the rubber. And anyone know how to prevent this from happening in the future?

    1. Although I usually steer away from, anti-bacterial soaps, this would be a good use for one.

      1. Antibacterial soaps are not going to be effective in their antibacterial capacity against mold. Different class of life form.

        But I totally, 100% completely agree with you on steering away from antibacterial soaps!

        1. From the uninitiated: why should we stay away from antibacterial soaps? Off to search but curious..

          1. Bugs mutate to avoid being killed by antibacterial agents and become superbugs.

            A little bacteria is probably good for your immune system.

          2. Soap is by nature antibacterial. It, along with rubbing your hands together, mechanically removes bacteria. Adding triclosan doesn’t do anything to further that. It does, however, persist in waterways and in the environment.

          3. what anon@11:47 said. It is not needed in a normal household. Even if a cold is going around, washing with soap and water (google correct hand washing technique) and not touching your face all the time (I am so bad at this) is completely enough. Unless someone is immunocompromised, it’s fine.
            The overuse of antibiotics in households and animal farming means that a lot of bacteria are multiresistent and doctors in hospitals have sometimes no effective antibacterials left in their arsenal to fight infections. Plus, there are concerns that it could affect hormonal pathways (research ongoing) and it’s probably harming aquatic life.

            It’s also important to make a distinction between antibacterial soap and alcohol-based hand sanitizer. With the latter, there isn’t the same concern that microbes become resistant, because it works by a different mechanism. The CDC says, hand sanitizer can be helpful if you don’t have access to soap and water. Obviously, since you just shmeer something on your hand, it might kill most germs, but it’s clear you aren’t physically removing anything from your hands. If you have harmful chemicals on your hands, they are still there after applying hand sanitizer (maybe more if you worry about all the ingredients in the gel). It’s also been shown that hand sanitizer does not kill salmonella, e coli or norovirus, while hand washing is effective in removing those.

            http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/say-goodbye-antibacterial-soaps-fda-banning-household-item/
            https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/show-me-the-science-hand-sanitizer.html

          4. I’m not an expert, but I thought it was just because plain soap kills bacteria just fine, and the chemicals they add to “anti-bacterial” soap aren’t really any more effective than regular soap, and may be harmful to your health.

    2. Nope, soap and water is all you need. The mold itself isn’t toxic (if it was, we’d all be dead – This stuff is everywhere. Approach all restaurant & convenience store icemakers with suspension of disbelief when it comes to mold – they all have it), just slightly gross.
      You don’t prevent it. It’s just something happens when you have water condensing in sheltered places.

    4. I would use diluted bleach–bleach is just chlorine, and is in swimming pools, and is not that bad. Use a scrub brush, and repeat until you get it all. The black is mold, and you need to kill the mold.

  13. Are there any fashion blogs that cater to women in the size 10-12 range? I cannot relate at all to the very slender bloggers I see all over instagram — clothes are just never going to look like that on my frame — but I do not have the curves of a plus-size woman, either. (I’m a 36B, for reference. I have hips and thighs but I really don’t read as curvy overall.) I would love to see how trends are interpreted for someone who is actually close to my size.

      2. I just added a ton on IG. The #midsizestyle hashtag is good, as mentioned above. I think there’s also one like #midsizecollective.

        Actual bloggers: MidSizeMomStyle, HannahFGale, LechelleAldridge, HonestlyCailey, MommyInHeels, Wardrobe_Ozygen, PetiteElliee, GirlWithCurves,

        And of course, KatieSturino and Fran.Ish.

  14. DH and I want to do Napa/Sonoma as a get-away. We’re coming from Boston, so it’s a long flight. How much time would be ideal? I mean, I can sit around and drink wine for weeks, but we have 3 kids at home ;). Would a 4 day trip where day 1 is mainly travel, days 2, 3 and-4 are fun with a (late- like 9pm) redeye home make sense? Should we really do 5 days? Can we get away with 3?

    Is late Feb/early March too cold? If so, when is the earliest we could go and have decent weather? I don’t need to sunbathe; just be outside and not cold.

    Any can’t miss recommendations? DH has been before, but I have not.

    1. I would not try to do fun stuff + redeye home on the last day. When I travel east coast to west coast, I take an early flight out so I have half the first day free upon arrival, then take a morning flight home the last day. A redeye will turn me into a zombie for at least a week, and even with a late flight you lose a lot of the day with packing up, getting to the airport, etc.

      1. The Bay Area to East Coast redeyes leave between 10 pm and midnight. I see your point about being a zombie (it varies by person though, I think) but “packing up and getting to the airport” is certainly not going to eat up most of the day. Leaving Napa at 6 pm for an 11 pm flight would be more than enough time.

        1. Yea I totally disagree – anything other than a redeye back to the East Coast ruins me. I fly back and forth from Maine to SoCal every month for the last 3 years. I typically take a 10:30pm redeye out, connect through ATL/DTW and am home by noon; then I proceed to stay up until my normal East Coast bedtime and get up the next day at my normal time. I’m fine. Last week, I booked a day flight home leaving at noon, through DTW, then into ME at 10:30pm. Landed in the middle of a snow storm; the usual 30-minute ride turned into 1 hour and 15 minutes so I didn’t get to my house until midnight. Since my body was on West Coast time and my adrenaline was pumping from the drive, I didn’t go to bed until like 2:30am and then slept until 10:30am – so not good for me. It took me like 3 or 4 days to get back into my normal schedule… learned my lesson though; no more day flights home!

    2. I think 4 days is perfect, although 3 days is doable.
      Day 1 isn’t killed by travel. Assuming you can fly non-stop Boston to SFO, you can take a 7 am flight and be in California around 10 am local time. You could either spend the afternoon in SF, have dinner there, and then drive up to Napa afterwards (probably what I would do) or you could head straight to Napa and be there by early afternoon. If you’re flying home on a red eye on day 4, you really have a solid 3.5 days of vacation.
      Weather in late February should be pretty decent – in the 60s with occasional rain. Much nicer than Boston for sure.

      1. I’m less optimistic.

        I think that you will definitely loose the travel day, especially with 3 kids. How old are they? They will be exhausted. I would be exhausted! I usually think of Napa/Sonoma as a more grown up holiday place than a family place to visit, especially for so short a stay. Honestly, I would try to get the inlaws to take care of the kids and go with husband – eat well (great restaurants!), drink wine/visit vineyards, gentle walks, sit outdoors, do nothing…. It’s that kind of place. We did a family vacation there when all the kids were “grown ups”, and it was still a bit slow for our preferences (and most of the family didn’t drink, so….). Unless your kids are the types that play quietly on their own/together outside/read etc..

        Doing a 4 day trip including a red eye with 3 kids flying cross country (and Napa is a drive from SF…. get rental… drive… check in….), sounds like close to hell for me.

        1. It sounded to me like OP was leaving the kids at home (the kids were mentioned only as the reason why it was harder to get away for longer). I agree if she is bringing 3 young kids it’s very different!

        2. No! The kids are staying home!! I am trying to figure out how long we need to find someone to watch them :-).

      2. We did a weekend in Napa not too long ago. I thought a weekend was fine, although we only drove up two hours. So in your case with a long flight, I’d think about adding something else to make it worthwhile the trip. We arrived Sat afternoon, to find that most vineyards were already closing at 5 or 6, so we rushed to get a tasting at the nearest one, then had another tasting in town, then a lovely dinner at Angele restaurant. I liked walking along the riverfront. For Sunday noon, we did the tour and tasting at Castello di Amorosa, which was a bit touristy, but still my favourite part of the trip. There wasn’t much to do besides wine tasting, so I didn’t mind driving back Sunday afternoon.
        We have only done Napa, but I hear Sonoma is slightly less pricey and otherwise very similar.

        1. I go every year, in November or December. I love the cold weather but I think February and March would be pretty rainy. We usually spend one day in Sonoma and one in Napa. We fly into Oakland; cheaper and easier than SFO. My favorite tastings have been at James Cole, Reguschi, Hope and Grace (make sure you ask to taste the Hendricks label wines), Far Niente, Nickel & Nickel and Darioush. Pay for scheduled sit-down tastings; it is a much better experience. We stay in Yountville or St. Helena. My favorite restaurants are Press and Bouchon.

          1. Correction to my post above. I spend one day in Sonoma and three in Napa Valley. One is not nearly enough and four is too many! Ridicululously good wine and food takes a toll over three days!

        2. Sonoma is less pricey for sure, but I’m not sure I’d agree it’s very similar. I can’t really speak to the wineries, but I find downtown Sonoma nowhere near as charming as Yountville or St. Helena in Napa, and I don’t think the food options in Sonoma are as strong. If it’s in the budget, I’d stay in one of the luxury Yountville hotels. They are gorgeous, and you’d be walking distance to lots of great restaurants.
          A hot air balloon ride over Napa Valley is also amazing if you can afford it.

          1. yeah, I looked at Yountville and my eyes almost fell out at that price range. I think Napa is probably a whole different experience if you can afford that. It’s just not what I am used to.

          2. You don’t have to spend a lot to stay in Yountville. We stay in cheap but perfectly fine and amazingly located spots so we can spend our money on food and wine. Check out the Napa Valley Railway Inn and Petit Logis Inn. Also check out the Inn St. Helena, obviously in St. Helena.

    3. I did this same trip last Feb. It was really rainy (it flooded the days leading up to our trip), and not that warm. I mean it’s better than winter in the NE but I would have liked it warmer and sunnier. 3-4 days makes sense, 4 would be better for the reasons Anon mentions. I would try to wait until March when more things are in bloom (mustard fields are just starting in February).

      1. I would consider staying up in Calistoga. It’s less crowded, there’s great food, and you can visit the hot springs even if it’s cold!

    4. Late to the thread, but four days sounds about right to me. I would fly out of Boston on the earliest possible flight, get a rental car, hit either Yank Sing (in Rincon Center) or Cockscomb in SF for early-ish lunch, and then head out to Napa on day one. If you can, get in one later tasting, maybe at Del Dotto (booking ahead essential) before checking in to a hotel. I like to stay at the Petit Logis in Yountville because we can walk to Bouchon and to the French Laundry, but YMMV.

      Depending whether you are a serious wine person or more open to leisure, I would spend two days in Napa and then drive over to Sonoma for one day. We always book winery appointments ahead or have our local wholesaler do it for us because we have places we prefer to go, but there are plenty of “show up” options. There are a number of spa options in the area and Calistoga has the hot springs.

      For dining on the Napa side, we like Bouchon, Bistro Jeanty (tomato soup!), Ad Hoc, The French Laundry (assuming you can get a rez there; check the website for timeframes a couple months in advance because I cannot remember when you need to call) and Gott’s Roadside (formerly Taylor’s Refresher) for more casual dining. We have heard good things about Bottega, but have not been. We generally do not dine in Sonoma, but do bring a picnic of things from Oakville Grocery (St. Helena) to enjoy at a winery.

      Plan to dress in layers and have waterproof boots or shoes; the chance of rain while you are there is probably 100%. Your timeframe is a quiet one in Napa, but it will be very relaxing!

      1. Bottega is great! I like all the restaurants you listed, but I think Bottega is my #1 in Napa. Boon Fly Cafe is also terrific.

        1. The Polenta Under Glass at Bottega is one of my favorite things in the world.

      1. Really?

        I like the color, but the style is not modern and reminds me of something my great aunt would wear….especially combined with those unflattering pants.

        The pleats, the sleaves, the length/hem…. it reminds me of polyester blouses that my retired elderly relatives wore in the 80’s.

        1. agree that the pants are not a good combo. But how awesome would this look with a pencil skirt!

  16. I’m (finally!) quitting Amazon, but asking for everyone’s best tips to do so.

    I live in a major city with pretty good public transportation but limited (approximately 2-3x a month) access to a car.

    I can walk to grocery stores, almost every clothing store imaginable and a few city format small Targets, however cannot easily access big box stores or even a normal target. Most of what I bought on amazon is (ironically) things to help me be more eco friendly. Could maybe find at a Walmart, Bed Bath Beyond, etc but not at the stores available to me.

    I was an amazon customer because I live near one of their hub lockers. I live in a row home so (due to theft) I can’t get anything shipped to my apartment (and cannot get personal packages shipped to work).

    I am planning on a) buying less (even though I’m not much of a shopper to begin with) and b) maximizing my trips to the burbs for picking up these things. Unfortunately the target ship to store / store pickup options are limited.

    Any other ideas?

      1. The OP mentions trying that and I agree with her. “Ship to store” isn’t eligible for half the stuff I’d otherwise order from them!

        I have similar circumstances to the OP. I don’t think eliminating Amazon entirely is practical given we do not have a car. But I try to minimize the effect by waiting to place my order until I have a bunch of things in my cart, and having them all delivered on my Amazon Day (so, one shipment rather than like 6), and by using Amazon only for items that I really can’t get in person (so no shipping myself out of laziness the toiletries that I can get at CVS, etc).

    2. If you are in a major city, you should have Zip car. Even if you don’t, you can hire a cab to take you to a store and another to get you home. Have one window for a suburban target run and get your giant packages of TP and paper towels and laundry stuff then. It may even hold you for a few months, depending on how often you have people over and if you have roommates (etc.). Even a small Target would have what you need in this department (and if you use the “pick up at store option”, the cab thing should be a seamless round trip with a <5 minute pause to pick up the items and put them in the trunk.

      We lived in a city where women couldn't drive and would usually take a cab to the store and tell the guy we'd call him directly to take us home (or call the service if he was busy). When I lived in DC, little old ladies took cabs to the Giant on Spout Run all the time.

      1. Yeah, already walking to my local target or grocery store for things like that! As I said – I limit my amazon use to hard to find things (some of which are found in suburban big box stores, some of which are not)

        I could easily make the drive out but prefer to limit doing so due to time/traffic and attempts to limit driving!

        1. But if you are driving monthly for errands, that is pretty good, no? Most people in my city and many people even in big cities drive 2x/day, so why is a monthly or even quarterly errand day such an issue? Major shopping centers are often on bus routes, and while the bus can take a lot of time and be less convenient, if not getting into a private car is an issue the bus is what many people do for shopping.

    3. I’m quitting Amazon as well. My tricky things are the every six month order of 5L bottles of dish soap, hand soap and soap nuts. I need to find a new source for these but it will likely be another online source.

      1. Yes!!! I only use amazon about once a month for things I can’t find in stores nearby (like soap nuts).

    4. Target has a ship to store option, so you can order (almost) anything available online and have it shipped to one of the small format Targets that’s walking distance for you. I ship packages to my house, but Target has pretty much everything I need. I think maybe twice in the last three or four years there was something I couldn’t get at Target and I had to use Amazon.

      1. Hmm my target ship to store options are pretty limited. Honestly if they expanded their ship to store inventory it’d be such an easy switch!

    5. Great goal! What are you buying that you cannot get at the stores nearby? I live in a similar sounding neighborhood also without a car, and have all my necessities easily covered by the same general set of stores and struggle to imagine what you’re describing. Also, you likely will have to get more comfortable paying more for soap / paper towels / household necessities from the places nearby (I tell myself it is a very small price to pay for living in such a wonderful, walkable neighborhood).

    6. don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. If you check your amazon order history and it’s, say, once a month for 2019 – then even if you still order from them twice this year, that’s cutting it by 80%.
      Consider whether you really need a thing or whether something you already own can serve the purpose, see how long you can delay buying a thing and combine shipments wherever possible, check craigslist while you delay buying a thing, ship to store to your city-Target, always pick the cheap shipping that takes a bit longer – those are the tricks. But it’s like a diet change, it takes time and change of habit and you might not always get it perfect.

    7. I’m not sure what the specific solutions are, but honestly I have mostly just shop less — you’ll be surprised I bet how many fewer things you feel you need to buy when doing so becomes inconvenient. I buy a bottle of Method dishsoap, or a refill, at the supermarket when I’m close to running out, rather than placing a bulk order. It’s not that inconvenient at all, and I have more closet space because I don’t have a grocery store’s worth of stock.

      Also — look for a UPS store, Mailbox store, etc. Often they will let you receive packages there for a small fee without renting a mailbox. The extra $2-3 per package is a good incentive to only use them when needed.

      Good for you! I’ve been Amazon-free since October and don’t notice it at all anymore.

    8. Can you switch to reusable items from disposables that you’d normally order? Mason jars in various sizes over plastic bags for most food storage, lunchbot tins for taking lunch, rags over paper towels, etc?

      Also, in your shoes, I’d probably just order my preferred eco-friendly product from a store I was trying to avoid every once in awhile. I don’t think your alternatives are that much better that it’s worth making life really difficult.

    9. Use Shipt on a day you’re home like Saturday, maybe. Also if you can get a store to ship via UPS, my packages used to get held at a local Walgreens. Or look into a PO box?

    10. You say Target ship to store isn’t an option for you but what about Same Day Delivery via Shipt? Since Target bought Shipt a couple of years ago, you can get virtually anything sold in the Target store delivered to you same day. Your only issue may be the specific store that they select for you, since you said you’re mostly near small format stores.

  17. What’s your favorite dairy free creamer? I like unflavored creamers and used to use a LOT of half and half (my coffee was a nice light color) but I’m trying to consume less dairy

    1. I love coconut milk. If you’re looking for the shelf-stable creamers that come in little plastic containers, be aware that most of them are either milk-based or oil-based, and the latter isn’t exactly healthy.

    2. Macadamia nut milk. Whole Foods carries a regular and an unsweetened version. I generally get the unsweetened version; it still has enough flavor to add a little something to my coffee. If I recall correctly, even the regular version is pretty low sugar compared to a true flavored creamer.

    3. I’m trying to cut down on dairy right now and have been using oat milk. Coconut milk was flavourful in a way that didn’t work for me in coffee, soya supposedly affects oestrogen which I have bad enough being overweight, and I made this switch just about the same time there was a sad article in the Guardian about huge numbers of bees dying working on almond orchards in California responding to the demand for almond milk. I’m not sure oat milk is very environmentally friendly either but better than almond. It doesn’t make my coffee the same colour I used to get with my milky coffees, but the taste is okay. I use unsweetened so it’s not a lot of added sugar.

      1. I want to try out oat milk, but the one at Trader Joe’s doesn’t have great reviews. I’ll go to a bigger supermarket next week – what’s your preferred brand?

        1. I’ve been drinking Alpro, I’m in the UK though so not sure whether that’s helpful for you! I pretty much just picked it because it’s been on sale in my usual supermarket.

      2. Almond milk is terrible for the environment. It also worsens the California drought situation.

        1. Thank you for this! I am hoping to cut down on cow byproducts for environmental reasons so I will rule almond milk out

          1. That’s a helpful but limited link. I use dairy products for protein, and I would have to drink an entire container of almond milk to get the protein that is in a glass of cow’s milk.

          3. anon@1:15, sure enough protein and overall diet is a whole other topic, this link was in response to the question about things to put in coffee.

    4. Question, what exactly is “creamer?” I always hear people say this, but they’re often referring to cream or half and half. I guess it’s meant to be a catch-all for something you add to your coffee?

      As for specific recs, I’ve heard other people like oat milk, but I haven’t tried it myself.

      3. OP here – I was a huge half and half user (can’t stand the flavored crap!) but trying to limit my use of cow byproducts, so I guess I’m using creamer to mean half and half stand ins?

          1. semantics. I’d call it a byproduct since you don’t produce milk out of cows. You still have the cow when you extract milk. The product would be meat or leather.

          2. I think that the calves think milk is a product. And separating milk from cream just happens naturally unless the milk is homogenized (true in all mammals — talk to any woman who has pumped).

          3. But if you have to kill a thing to get what the thing produces, apples aren’t products of the apple tree (or wool from sheep), just applewood chips for my grill and mutton.

    5. I’ve used all of the non-dairy coffee creamer subs and honestly, they are pretty indistinguishable to me. I use them as both creamer and sweetner, so YMMV. If you want a thicker one, use one specifically designated as a creamer. If you want a sweetened one but with no flavoring the Silk Almond Creamer is my go to there.

    6. I don’t use creamer at all but my teenage daughter who is lactose intolerant loves Nutpods.

      2. I like Nutpods and you can subscribe directly from their website. You do have to give the packet a good shake before adding to coffee, hot or cold. I find it separates a bit otherwise!

    8. The plain silk soy creamer. My husband (was!!!) a die hard dairy person and with a bit of convincing he accepted that as a suitable replacement. But mostly you need to wait for your taste buds to adjust and realizing that doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

    9. I like the Planet Oat oatmilk in coffee. I use it to substitute milk for pretty much everything. Not a fan of soy or almond milk.

  18. How often do you see your parents? Do you live in the same region, and how does that factor in? Real question: any advice for dealing with parents who want to see me every weekend and demand it?

    I’m a single lawyer in my mid 30s. For the past ten years, my parents have expected me to come home every weekend and gang out with them. We live about an hour’s drive away — my parents were supportive of my academics but also very controlling emotionally when I was younger, and I intentionally moved out as soon as I started law school and started working. Over time I’ve learned to set up boundaries, but most often my excuse is “I’m busy.”

    They become disappointed when I don’t visit on the weekends, and complain they want to see me. It’s a mixed bag of guilt trips, asking me to tell them my plans for the weekend, outright demands that I come home, and offering to come over for lunch. I want to date and have my own life — so far I have been telling them or not my plans depending on my mood or how busy I am at work. I don’t go into specifics about what I do or with whom, but they want to know everything. I probably make it home once every two weeks on average for a brunch. Every time, they want me to spend the night. But whenever I stay the night it becomes an expectation that the next weekend will be the same, and I don’t want to create a habit or expectation. I feel bad that they feel bad, and I’m annoyed that they are making me feel bad about it.

    I’m also an only child with a “good daughter” complex, which does not help matters. I did not rebel until in my 20s. My parents are healthy and in their 60s, are retired but have hobbies and hang out with plenty of friends.

    1. Also an hour drive from my parents. We see them once a month (we typically switch off who does the visiting) and haven’t stayed overnight in… a decade?
      My in laws are a flight away and we see them 2-3x per year.

    2. One of the reasons I moved from DC back to my home city is proximity to family.

      I was in DC the years that my last 2 grandparents died and while I commuted back every weekend while they were on hospice, I still really regret being away.

      Now that I’m back, I tend to see my parents and brother approximately weekly. I usually end up going home for Sunday dinner if I’m free. My extended family is super close so I usually end up seeing some combination of aunts/uncles/cousins about 3 times a month.

      That being said – we are a very close family. I’m from a city where most people who grow up end up here. Most of my family lives in a 20 minute radius. I see my family more frequently than most people I know, but I also grew up seeing my grandparents 2-3x a week, living next door to my aunt and uncle, etc.

      Despite how close we are and how well we get along, it’s a lot. Sometimes I have to draw boundaries which is hard for me with family.

      I totally support you and your need for boundaries, but recognize that it’s hard when you’re trying to be the good daughter. No advice, but I wish well for you.

    3. If I was childless and my parents were married and in good health I can’t imagine visiting them every weekend if they were an hour away. Now that we have a kid, I think we would get together almost every weekend if they were that close, but a large chunk of that would be them spending time with their grandchild while DH and I did our own things or had a date. (For reference, post-grandchild we see them 6-8 times/year for about a week at a time each time, mostly them visiting us. They are an 8 hour drive away and flying takes about as long due to layovers and long drives to the airports.)

    4. I’m curious — is this cultural? I am Indian-Am and while I rebelled against this set up from day one (like the day I went to college), I know many families where this was the expectation esp for daughters. It’s a bit of the — we’re LETTING you move out and live this independent life and have a career, and if you don’t do this (come home every weekend), we can stop “letting you” do this. That being said this was more the expectation for my generation (graduated high school in the late 90s) yet my gen just legitimately made itself too busy/a bit to distant for this — uh sorry the only med/law school I got into is 4 hrs away you don’t want me to get bad grades because I’m visiting all the time do you (and you don’t need to know that the school 20 min away accepted me to and I declined for my own freedom); or sorry biglaw/investment banking require working 10-20 hours most weekends, you don’t want me to lose out on promotions or bonuses, do you? And then that generation learned . . . and from what I see from younger friends/cousins, the coming home all the time expectation just isn’t there.

      As for you — I’d honestly keep doing what you’re doing. Go when you want but don’t get on any kind of routine/schedule because then it’ll be — wait you’ve come home every other weekend for 4 mos, what do you mean you aren’t coming for 3 weeks this time? And can’t you use work as an excuse? Even if your job doesn’t require weekend work, do they need to know that?

      1. Yes, I’m Asian too, so I’m figuring there is a cultural aspect to this as well. I use my school and my job as an excuse all the time but I still feel bad that I’m disappointing them. Ugh, I’m going to need to go through so much therapy.

      2. Also Indian-American first gen and I also picked the college that had an on-campus residency requirement to gain some freedom. After college I move across the country to start my own life. I miss my family all the time, but I know I would not have a good relationship with them if I lived closer. They do not handle boundaries well. This has been harder as now I have kids and my parents are aging – but its working for now.

      4. East Asian also only child. My parents would insist on living with me had it not for the case that I work in another country. Instead, I find calling them every night and living far away to be the best solution. I visit once every few months, and they visit me once every few months now.

    5. The issue here is about how your parents react to boundaries. Do you think this will improve if/when you get married and have kids, or do you think they will continue to demand that you bring the grandkids over?

      Also, is there a reason they do not drive to your city to visit you?

    6. I’m probably the exception but I wish my parents wanted to spend MORE time with me. They are bi-coastal, live blocks away half the year, and live across the country the other half. They do not visit (EVER) when they are at their other home, I only see them if we visit them, which TBF is not easy with kiddo, crazy hours, expensive flights. They’re retired, healthy, and quite wealthy, I wish they would visit. When they’re home we see each other for a meal typically once a week to once every other week, but only if I initiate. I’m honestly not sure how often we would see each other if I left it up to them… Sometimes I wonder if I am annoying them by trying to see them too often or something, but then they complain that we haven’t seen each other, so it’s clear they just want me to do the effort. Rant over.

    7. I don’t know how helpful I’ll be because I live half way across the country (i.e. a 3 hour flight) from my mom. She normally comes to visit me once in Spring for a little over a week, but I’ll work during the week. So, for example, arrives on Thursday night, I work on Friday, spend the weekend together, I work all the following week when she hangs out at my house and then we have dinner together, spend a second weekend together, and then she leave on Monday morning. I’ll also visit for one long weekend of 3-4 days in the late summer and we will spend a week together over the holidays.

      Although I don’t have a issue with her demanding that I come home every weekend, she does try to get me to talk on the phone every day. I just don’t have time for that or any desire to talk every single day. She will be good about calling every 2-3 day for a while, but then go back to calling multiple times a day. I find I just have to ignore the calls and then call her back every 3 days or so at a time that works for me. Maybe that makes me a bad daughter, but if we talked every day we would just fight.

    8. You definitely do not need to feel guilty about every-two-weeks-or-so visits to parents who are healthy and have active social lives. In fact, I would argue that is just about perfect, except for your parents’ inability to accept it, which is not your problem. Keep doing what you’re doing.

    9. I have a similar situation, sort of. I’m an only child who’s really close to my dad, but not to my mom and stepdad who are the offending parties with this kind of behavior. I’ve just been very clear but generally still upbeat about setting boundaries (for example “Nope sorry, I’m driving back tonight,” and just leave it at that repeat as needed until they drop it. Sometimes I’ll throw in an “I appreciate your concern and I’ll be careful”if they give me some reason I should stay the night like too many drunks on the road or whatever. In my experience, it’s important to generally not react to the theatrics and be gentle but firm in laying boundaries (i.e., I don’t find it particularly helpful to make a confrontation of it or make a “show” in any way of the fact that the behavior isn’t welcome or that they’re crossing a line). Also, do not feel like you need to give an excuse or explanation for what you do, as that tends to invite a discussion on things that are not up for discussion.

      The most important thing I think for you to remember is that most likely, they WILL get used to the new boundaries over time. I was the good daughter for a while but started drawing the line early ish in my life, and things that were huge ordeals are just kind of expected without incident now even if they huff and puff and whine here or there. The reaction used to be angry, confrontational, and a lot of theatrics and now it’s sometimes nothing at all, sometimes a little whiny/huffy, but nothing I can’t tolerate and nothing that clouds the visit. I’m 31 now. I really think the boundary setting needs to be consistent over time. There will be an uptick in antics for a while, but it will get better in the long run.

    10. Boundaries are the answer here. I also suffer from good daughter syndrome, but you get to decide what you want to do and how often. In somewhat similar circumstances I have chosen a firm and consistent way of articulating the boundary: I will need to leave by 3. That sounds nice but I will be leaving at 3. Ok but I will need to get on the road by 3. Repeat, repeat. Please try not to allow their disappointment control your time and how you spend it. Their disappointment is theirs to deal with. Also if boundaries are not firmly established now your annoyance will likely only grow.

      To answer your original question it depends a lot on everyone’s plans and time of year but on average 1-2 Times/month.

    11. I empathize with this so much. The endless probing questions that will not stop until they’re answered. Insisting on frequent, time consuming visits. And above all, the guilt.

      You are not responsible for their emotions. It is your job to communicate information about when you are coming and for how long. It is not your job to convince them it’s a good idea. You’ve got to free yourself from being responsible for their happiness with you (easier said than done, I know).

      The only thing that helps a little for me is to put them on a schedule. My mother used to call me 4-5x a day and would freak out if I didn’t pick up (even if she called when I was in class, which she knew because of course she had a copy of my class schedule on the fridge). I call her once a week at a designated time. She pushed back hard and there was a lot of crying and drama at first, but it has been status quo for nearly 20 years and it’s held. She still complains sometimes and I basically don’t respond. I’d recommend scheduling a once a month visit and sticking to it as much as you can – maybe brunch on the second Sunday of every month or whatever is least disruptive to your schedule. But be prepared that they will still complain and that is not your fault.

      1. Oof, I’ve been there – about an hour away from my parents, expectations that I see them often and at least once over every holiday weekend, random weeknight dinners, etc. Questions about how I was spending my time, the whole thing.

        The biggest thing that helped me was only saying yes to the things I really wanted to go to or the things I knew were very important to my mom (major holidays – Christmas, Easter, birthdays. Sorry, Labor Day is NOT a major holiday, Mom!). For everything else, I’d say I already had plans. Sometimes those plans were sitting on the couch and binging Netflix but hey, those were plans. It was really hard at first and I got some pushback but I held firm and it worked out pretty well, even after I had my son. Doing this also meant the time I did spend at or with my parents was more enjoyable for me because it didn’t feel as much like an obligation and they knew I wasn’t rejecting them but that the scheduling simply didn’t work out for that particular instance.

    12. Unless you still want to be doing this when you’re still single in your 40s, 50s and possibly beyond because you had no time to date/meet someone, or the person you meet doesn’t dig spending every weekend with your parents, set some boundaries.

      Being an only child doesn’t mean your parents get to monopolize your life. Dating, having friends, having hobbies, having downtime, etc. is all very important. If you can reasonably go once a month, set that as the boundary and stick to it. They’re your parents. Yes, you love them and they love you. They don’t own your life. They should want you to be an independent person living your best life.

      Signed, mom of an only child

    13. Weekly visits when you live an hour away is a lot. I’m in the same city w/i 25 min drive to essentially all my instate relatives and see them about every two weeks at parents home + or – random events in between (ex. a midweek play with mother, seeing them at a family member’s wedding, I won’t go visit that week). But a 20 min drive to stay for a couple hours on Sunday is way less of a commitment than an hour each way for hours at a time.

    14. I’m 35 and married with young kids. DH’s parents live across the country. We used to fly to them 3-4x/year for 2-3 days; now we do one trip out as a family of 5 per year. His mom will come visit 1-2x/year but his dad does not travel.

      My dad lives 2.5 hours away. I see him maybe 1-2 times per quarter. All major holidays and occasional birthdays (he’ll come up for my kids’ bdays, we go down and see him for a couple weekends in the summer bc he lives on the beach).

      My mom lives 1.5 miles from me. I see her weekly but mostly she’s visiting with my kids. It’s a very quick visit or lunch if it’s just me. Before she lived this close it was more like monthly, and she drove to see me.

    15. I am thirty, married, and don’t have kids yet. My household visits one set of divorced parents 2.5 hrs away 3 times a year, a now-single step-parent 45 mins away once every 4-6 weeks for a breakfast, a divorced parent 6hrs by plane once a year off-holidays, and the last divorced parent (6hrs by plane, then 2hrs by car) never. We have a policy now that we will no longer visit if the trip is more than one leg (a non-stop flight OR a non-stop car ride), but they are always welcome to come visit us. OP, please get a therapist to talk to about setting adult boundaries with your family!

  19. Looking for destination recommendations for a week long trip in July or August. We want to go somewhere internationally to take advantage of miles we’ve accumulated and to enjoy the freedom since this is likely our last big trip pre-kids. We’ve been considering going back to Italy or Spain, but want to avoid the excessive crowds (we did two weeks in Italy in August and it was packed with tourists!). Japan was also a contender but we think it would be better to go at a different time of year since the Olympics will be going on then. Our short list right now is Jordan based on a friend’s recommendation, but I’d love any other suggestions from the hive! We’d love cultural learning, great food, and a nice beach or resort pool to lounge at. TIA for any recommendations!

    1. I’ve personally found Europe relatively easy to do with young kids, so I would avoid that unless you really don’t plan to travel with your kids at all. My vote would be Asia or Australia/NZ – the long flight times are really daunting with babies/toddlers (although I know people who have done it).

      1. I agree on focusing on places you would not visit with kids, which would be Asia or Africa for me. I want to visit NZ, but think it would be such a fun trip with teens that I’m waiting on it and am instead doing my last pre-kid vacation to South Africa and Madagascar.

        1. Probably depends on your kids, but I think a lot of older kids would love South Africa and Madagascar. We specifically didn’t safari before kids because I wanted to do that with them (knowing that it wouldn’t be happening until they were solidly elementary school age). On the other hand, I don’t think NZ is as kid- or teen-friendly. I went when I was 10 and it was a lot of driving around looking at beautiful scenery, which is not appealing to most preteens or teens. We went to Australia on the same trip, and I enjoyed that a lot more because of the animals, but NZ (at least as my parents planned the trip) was boring for me. This was before all the LOTR stuff though, so if they’re into that it might be different.

    2. Jordan will be HOT in July and August. I don’t care how luxe the resort, I am not having fun sitting even under an umbrella when it’s 100+ outside.

      Closer to home although easier to do with a kid than elsewhere – Portugal, Scotland, Ireland, Iceland. Further – what about an upscale safari? Or combining a more rustic safari with beach time nearby (Seychelles)?

      1. Agree re: Jordan. We would try to go in May if we could swing it. We would LOVE to do a safari, but we think a week is too short. My husband gets a longer vacation next year (after hitting 5 years with his company) so we are planning to go then. We went to Portugal last year and loved it. Adding Scotland and Ireland to the list, thanks!

        1. Counterpoint: While longer would be nice, I actually don’t think a week is too short for safari, depending on how much travel time you’ve got to get there. We did 8 full days of safari and it started to feel a bit redundant toward the end. I think 5 full days would be perfect, and that leaves 2 for travel. (If you do look at Tanzania, with 5 days I’d do 2 days in Tarangire national park, 1 in Ngorongoro, and 2 in the serengeti. Recommend Access2Tanzania as a travel company if you do decide to go)

      2. Yes to safari. I don’t know if it checks your “cultural learning” box, but it’s a great trip to do pre-kids (also, the food in the camps (not the resorts) was unexpectedly delicious.) Highly recommend Tanzania, and that would be a good time to go (though it’s high season, so expensive). You could do safari for 3-4 days, hang out on Zanzibar or one of the mainland beaches for 2-3 (I actually did not like Zanzibar that much, but I think that’s because I discovered I’m really not an all-inclusive resort type person, and also their airport is terrible. The beaches are gorgeous and Stonetown was interesting, though). If your points are on a KLM code share (like Delta) and you fly to Kilimanjaro, some of their connections have an overnight layover in Amsterdam and you could spend a few hours wandering around Amsterdam. Or maybe South Africa and you could combine a safari with trip to Capetown? (Never been, so no specific recs, and I don’t know how their weather would be in August since it’s winter there)

        1. No to Cape Town in August. I mean, it’s still a lovely city that I enjoy hanging out in any time of year, but August is the worst time to visit. It’s cold (for the area), rainy, and the wind can be very very intense.

          It would be a good time of year for an SA safari, but I’d do Kruger plus KZN north coast or Mozambique beaches rather than Cape Town.

      3. I would only fly to most safari destinations if I had more than a week, or if I had enough miles to fly business class at least one way. I fly to Southern/Eastern Africa regularly for work, and even the best economy-class itinerary leaves me wiped for a solid three days due to the time zone and the length of the flights.

        Maybe OP is made of hardier stuff than me, but it’s not how I’d want to spend half of a weeklong vacation.

  20. I am attending a sports event with a handful of other lawyers and a handful of clients later this week. We have a box. Firm is paying. Would it be a faux pas to leave at half time? I won’t if it’s rude, I just can never sleep after too much social stuff and if I don’t have enough down time when I come home. Thank you!

    1. If you’re clients are there, you have to stay. And “you’re clients“ is a broad term—if you work on their stuff, you have to stay.
      Signed, this stuff can be tiring and long.

    2. OMG it’s ONE night. So what if you’re a bit sleep deprived and don’t have the adequate amount of time to put on your PJs? If no one else is leaving and it’s a good networking opportunity with clients, I wouldn’t leave because it’s my bedtime. YMMV.

      1. This is way off-base. OP, I’d leave at half-time for sure. My alone time and sleep are worth WAY more than sticking it out until the bitter end at some sporting event.

        1. Are you a lawyer, Anon? Because the rule at my firm is that the lawyers stay until the clients leave and I think that is a pretty common practice.

          1. Not a lawyer and if the norms are truly that you should stay until clients leave, then that’s what she should do, but ugh, sounds miserable. Sure, it’s just one night – until the next event.

          2. Agree. As an attorney in a service-based role, I would never leave a social event with clients before the clients. I have seen associates do that, and it never comes off well. The point of these kinds of events is not the sports/activity/dinner/whatever (although that can be a fun bonus if you enjoy) but to form relationships with the clients. I view these types of things as an extension of my work day and I wouldn’t get up in the middle of a meeting with clients without a really important conflict.

      2. I would leave a little after halftime ends. Somehow after halftime doesn’t seem nearly so early as during halftime.

        1. I disagree. Clients will be there. If this was a team outing, it would be ok to leave early. But don’t leave before your client leaves. This is just part of the job.

        2. Yeah. I think halftime will actually be the best time to chat with people, assuming some folks will actually be interested in the game. Once everyone is settled back in, it would be better.

    3. I mean, you’ll have to read the room. My guess is you won’t be the only person to duck out early, but I’d recommend you not be the first.

      2. This is good advice, don’t be the first to leave, but if one or two others duck out early and no one seems to have a problem with it, you probably can too if you cite a good reason, like having a long drive home. Especially if it’s a hockey game and you leave during the second break.

        But honestly OP, I’d try to stay as late as you can and enjoy it, even if you’re not typically a sports fan, and just plan to have a little extra caffeine tomorrow. One late night during the week won’t kill you.

    4. In short, yes. One bad night of rest will not be the end of you. Becoming known as not a team player and disinterested in entertaining clients might be the end of your firm career advancement.

    5. I’m as introverted as they come, and I say you need to be there until the clients have started to leave.

      Also, there’s a weird look to a woman leaving a game at halftime. We face enough problems with getting ourselves invited to typically male events (sporting games, cigar bars, etc.); it’s only going to be worse for you if you leave early.

      1. Plus, you are “Team Hosting The Event,” so you should also know what the people senior to you on your side are expecting. Face time at these things is important.

      1. I’m in corporate finance and would never skip out on an event with clients. It’s not just law. In my view, it’s being a professional, and remembering where your employer gets the money to pay you.

  21. if anyone needs a good laugh this morning go read AAM’s post about the environmental organization and travel

    2. When I worked for an environment org we had a train policy for anywhere within 3 hours (no short flights allowed), but other than that we accepted that hotels were just part of the cost of business. I would never have accepted camping for work, ever, and I’m about as crunchy granola as they get.

    3. That story cannot be real. I fear it is, but yet…how can that be an actual thing?

      1. I’d be tempted to camp and show them how it looks when I show up in a rumpled suit that smelled like a camp fire and scratching at my bug bites. And then yawn constantly b/c no doubt I’d have been kept up by a snorer in the next tent. I might have to drive in with the windows down after a few days depending on how ripe I’d be from not wanting to wait in endless lines for the shower.

        Be careful for what you make employees do!

  22. I had a great MLK weekend with time off to relax, ski, and participate in another hobby. I get back to work and one of my project directors and the client have sent 30-40 emails from Sunday to Monday committing me to do a last-minute 90-minute presentation tomorrow (because said project director now has a time conflict and can’t do the presentation himself). I find it so supremely uncool to put me on the spot with no notice and to plan it on the Sunday of a holiday weekend, but I can’t really push back on this, right?

    1. Yes of course you can. It takes a really long time to put together a 90 minute presentation. Push back and say you simply can’t do that in 1 business day. Or suggest an alternative, that you can do a crappy 90 minute presentation or a slightly acceptable 30 minute presentation in that time period but not a good 90 minute one.

      1. Technically the slides are already prepared (thank God), but it’s 90 minutes of material with which I am not very familiar since I joined this project recently. I’m a good public speaker and I’m sure I can pull it off in a pinch, but it seems like taking a gamble on what is meant to be a high-quality, public-facing presentation.

    2. I don’t know your field, but that would be completely normal in my field and pushing back would be a huge red flag for your manager. Why don’t you want to do the presentation? Will it be your first, in which case its a great opportunity to try something new and gain new experience?

    3. That really depends on your office and line of work. In some offices, it’s expected that you would do the work; in others, not so much.

      1. also depends on how senior you are. For mid-level in my workplace, absolutely reasonable, especially when the slides are done.

    4. Has project director already written the presentation? Asking you to step in and give a pre-written presentation is very different from asking you to prepare the whole thing from scratch.

    5. This is a tough situation, and I’m sorry this got dropped on you! That said, were you copied on the emails? If so, it sounds like you don’t really have the sort of role where you can be totally offline during a holiday weekend, which stinks, but may be necessary for you to not be blindsided in the future.

      1. It’s more of this particular colleague modeling workaholic culture – it’s not the norm here to check emails on weekends for routine matters except at the highest level. I’m also positive that said colleague did not gain a new time conflict on the Sunday of MLK weekend (preventing him from doing the presentation) – he almost certainly knew about the conflict for at least the previous week. Ugh, either way I’m frustrated.

        1. I have to do stuff like this all of the time at work–the last minute presentations come from peers not people senior to me. the senior folks generally recognize the need to prepare (and would desire that I did spend time preparing). those who are at my level and route work like this to me don’t care if i sound unprepared or unpolished. in order to get me enough time to prepare and sound as polished as i would like, they would need to plan better. it just doesn’t happen. i have learned to just roll with this–as time has gone on, i have gotten better with presenting on the fly on relatively new-to-me topics. you do have a full day to prepare and read the slides.

          1. Except I have a million other things to do, some of which are way more urgent/important to the company (e.g., new business proposals with urgent deadlines). I think you’re right that I’ll just have to roll with it, but it doesn’t make me think much of my director’s leadership skills.

  23. Have any of you skincare junkies tried the M-61 line at blue mercury? One of their stores opened in my neighborhood and they were having a gift with purchase so I went on in. The sales rep was really pushing the M-61. I bought the vitamin C moisturizer and so far so good, but of course too early to see real results. I think m61 is their store brand so I haven’t been able to find reviews online.

    It would be so nice to get my skincare at a neighborhood store rather than online!

    1. I tried the peel pads (I think that’s what they’re called) and noticed an immediate difference in skin brightness and texture. But…at 60+ dollars a pop, didn’t repurchase.

      1. I bought a sample pack of several pads that includes those, so I’m excited to try them. Saving them for travel.

    2. Maybe I should mention other brands they have – Skinceuticals ($$!), Kiehls, Avene, La Roche Posay (mostly Anthelios, if i recall correctly), La Met, Barbara Sturm, Fresh, and then some cosmetic brands like Laura Mercier)

    3. I use their PowerGlow peel pads and I like those. They’re basically a good (but fairly pricey) exfoliator that isn’t super tough on my skin.

  24. I’m a Sr. Associate, regional firm (100 lawyers). My firm scheduled me to attend several conferences and seminars across the country this year: at least three business days a month. This is more than other associates; I think the firm is ‘rewarding’ good performance and client generation with these trips, however, this is on top of my billable hour goal. I personally get worn out when I travel.

    How would you handle approaching the firm to explain that this is too much travel? Is there a diplomatic way to get out of the trips?

    If it’s impossible for me to get out of any of the trips, any tips for making travel less exhausting?

    1. If you want to advance, there is no way out; if that’s not important to you, you could try to beg off a few. As for making them less tiring, consider whether you can work from home more in the time before and after (easier to recharge and nice to not have to get dressed and commute). While you are away, consider if you actually need to be at everything or can duck out of a few days of conference time to work, sleep, or do something nice for yourself (massage! exercise! see a local friend for coffee!)

    2. Uh wow that’s a lot. I don’t know anyone who goes to conferences every month. I would want to know more about why they’re sending you. Are other people from your firm going? Are clients going? Does the firm need firm representation at the conferences? I’d try to figure out which trips are really key and which you can afford to push back on. I’d blame work conflicts – if I’m going to properly prepare for XYZ then I can’t be out of the office those days – but I think you have to do it close to the time of, it’s not very compelling 6 months in advance when lots of things can change.

    3. You’re a senior associate performing well. You have the clout to say no. Just turn down the ones that least interest you citing a conflicting date and/or enough time to meet your billables goals. That’s still traveling at least once every other month. I doubt you’ll get push back on this.

  25. Can I just say, I really hate the early stages of meeting someone special. Being excited and trepidatious at the same time. Will this guy continue to be as great as he seems or will I find out in 4-6 months that he’s a total dud like the others. I want to be fair to him and not let my pessimism foreclose something that could be great. But I also don’t want to be so blinded by infatuation that I can’t see red flags.

    My coupled friends are all, just relax and enjoy it this is the best part! But no I kind of hate falling in love. I like BEING in love. Give me that, I won’t be embarrassed if I fart during LGP, love. Tell you what, married friends, you spend hours cleaning your house, shaving and plucking every spare hair, washing your sheets far more often than you care to, getting ready and squeezing yourself into cute underwear and your new faux leather pants and I’ll sit on the couch in sweatpants with your husband watching How It’s Made reruns. And yes I know this is a good problem to have, please indulge my grumpiness!

    1. I totally agree with you. I’m great in a relationship, but I’m a horrible dater/early relationship person. It’s too much pressure and so much fear. I think once you have been in a relationship a long time, you forget about the pressure and fear and just remember the fun of learning about a new person and discovering what you have in common.

      No advice, but know that you are not alone.

    2. +1000000. Are you me? Literally going through this right now. Been on a handful of really amazing dates with a guy, I’m smitten and I’m pretty sure he is too. I’m super exited about it and have no reason to doubt his interest/sincerity but I find the whole thing nerve-racking. If one more friend tells me to relax and enjoy it I’ll go crazy :) Kind of just want to fast-forward a few months when either this will have ended or it will actually be a relationship.

    3. I know exactly that feeling! I’m 29 and *finally* met the right guy a year ago after a lifetime of dud dates and disappointments. It’s scary to open yourself up to someone and have faith that things can actually work out, but I promise that they can and do. Be wise and keep a clear head as you continue getting to know him, but don’t live in fear that he will hurt you or that things will crumble if you show too much vulnerability. It’s easier said than done, but the cliche “just be yourself” has been so helpful to me as I’ve fallen in love and built a life with my guy. Also, if anything he does or says raised a red flag or reminds you of problematic behavior from exes, speak up (gently) and ASK him about it. The right person for you will not run away because you asked for clarification.

  26. Due to bad weather, my move date got moved up…to tomorrow. My husband is out of town and I am happy to handle it on my own. Movers are coming at 8 a.m. I am leaving work today at 5 p.m. Really, all I NEED is for them to move large furniture – I can lift everything else. But I want to pack as many boxes as I can. Any strategies for quick packing, or most bang for the buck? I’m thinking I’ll start with getting books packed (heavy, but fast to pack so can see progress). Then it’s kitchen, walk in closet, bathroom, and/or all the “misc” stuff that seems to accumulate… I think I have time to do two of these.

    1. My advice is to do the heaviest boxes possible and let the movers move them. As long as their truck is not full with your large furniture, my experience has been that it’s a small additional amount to ask them to move the boxes in addition to the furniture, and well worth it.

    2. I would focus on what is heavy and easy to pack. Start with books, since those are both easy to pack and heavy. I would pack the closet next, because I find clothing easy to pack. The problem with the kitchen is that things are odd sizes that don’t fit in boxes well and so much needs to be bubble wrapped which is time intensive. I would do that after the closet, if you had any time life. Leave all knickknacks and misc stuff alone, because it is too time intensive.

    3. Okay, ready for this:
      – Go get neon painter’s tape. Tape in a big x on things you want the movers to take.
      – Call in your friends! Your support network! Give them boxes and have them go room by room and label where the stuff came from (e.g., kitchen cabinet next to the stove, etc.)
      – Pack a weekend bag for yourself so nothing you NEED is lost in the hustle and shuffle.
      – Leave clothes on hangers and put garbage bags over them.
      – Plan on decluttering/cleaning/going through when you unpack, not when you pack.
      – Make an effort to nicely pack anything you’d be devestated if it got broken – family heirlooms, etc.

    4. Don’t overthink it, just put stuff in boxes. The best move ever was when a friend came over and helped me pack because she wasn’t stopping to worry about whether she should keep something or throw it away, she was just putting things in boxes.

  27. I interviewed for an in house job about ten days ago – I didn’t have high expectations going in, but I really clicked with my interviewers, and walked away thinking the job would be a great fit for me. I also felt like I really crushed the interview and was so happy with my performance, which is rare for me! I was hoping that I’d get a call last week but haven’t heard a peep. I wish I had asked at the interview what the timeline for hiring was, but of course I didn’t and now I’m just stuck in a holding pattern. I know many of you have been in similar shoes before, so I figured this was a safe place to vent. I’m so so miserable in my current job, but don’t want to quit until I have something else lined up, so I’m stuck for now. :/ Thanks for any commiseration/advice. :)

    1. I think you’re almost to the point where you could reasonably send an email checking in/asking for their timeline.

      1. thanks – i was thinking about doing that, maybe later this week. But I also think sometimes that if you haven’t heard, that’s your answer…idk.

    2. Wait until the 2 week mark if you’ve already sent a thank you. In-house hiring can be sloooooooooooow. Keep the faith.

    3. I’m in-house and it was several months between my initial interview and being hired. There were a lot of weird corporate things at play, including a hiring freeze that cropped up between my interview and when they would’ve normally wanted to move forward with me. I’d say keep in touch with them, don’t hold your breath, and don’t assume a delay means it isn’t going to work out for you. And keep searching in the meanwhile to keep your options open.

  28. Looking for recs for two year old bday present for nephew – likes books and trains. TIA

    1. Just got the haba kullerbü for my nephew. Apparently he likes it almost as much as the 30-somethings in the house. :)

  29. Hypothetical: we have cold feet about buying a house where we have a pending deal, but don’t want to renege on the contract that’s been signed. If the seller is supposed to complete a major repair, and fails to do so by the agreed closing date–are we free to walk away? Several times now, we’ve signed extensions, but we could just…not extend, right?

    1. Maybe

      But I think it’s more important to figure out why you have cold feet. Why did you like this house enough to put in an offer and get approved for a mortgage and put down a deposit and pay for an inspection, but now you don’t want it? Is it something you found at inspection, for which there is usually a contingency, or is it psychological?

    2. If the repair is a condition that has to be met by X date for closing to occur, and the condition hasn’t been met by X, and you don’t agree to extend X, then yes, the closing will not occur.

      If the repair is just something Seller has agreed to do as one of the terms of the contract, it’s not clear to me that you could walk away from the contract on the basis that they haven’t completed the repair. You might forfeit your earnest money by doing so.

    3. It depends on how the contract was written if you will get you earnest money back, but you can always walk away prior to closing for any reason or no reason at all.

      However, I would focus on why you are having cold feet. Buying a home is often the biggest purchase any of us make in our lifetimes and it is very common to have second thoughts given the amount of money involved. Especially if you are in a HCOL area, it can be very common to have cold feet because you are spending a huge amount of money but had to make compromises on what the house was going to be like and didn’t get everything on your dream list. I think you just need to figure out if this is normal cold feet or if your feelings are coming from a more serious problem.

    4. Thanks–cold feet about the house are due to unrelated job stress and shifting financial goals. Obviously DH and I need to talk more, but it seemed important to know the general options/consequences.

      1. If you want to know the general options and consequences, the only one who can answer that is your real estate agent. The only possible downside to asking them, and if appropriate telling them that you will not extend again, is that they might pass it along to the seller’s agent and it might light a fire under the seller to get the stuff down. A good agent wouldn’t do that, but a lot of them are more concerned about making their commission than anything else.

        1. Unfortunately our realtor is an unethical POS, and also has been unable to read contact language. But that’s a whole nother story.

    5. If you responded to a home inspection, you and the seller probably agreed to the terms in writing and they must fulfill them or return your deposit – at least if you have a competent realtor! If you reread the agreement and addendums you can probably find that language.

  30. Venting. I feel like I am just going thru the motions at work. I’m in a management position, and swear I just try to keep my head above water and everyone afloat until 6pm…then go home and repeat the next day. Tired of feeling blah and uninspired.

  31. Super anon for this.

    Desperately in need of a resource for guiding me in supporting DH. His mother is downright mentally abusive, manipulative, . She’s mentally ill – depression and we suspect undiagnosed biploar. FIL died suddenly nearly two years ago. MIL was entirely dependent on FIL. DH is the oldest of two (#2 is not in the picture) and has been ‘man of the family’ since FIL’s passing, taking over her finances, paying bills, helped her relocate and buy house, supporting her as best as he can but she’s turned more and more, refusing to see a therapist herself. He sees a therapist, and a good one, so that side is covered. But I harbor so much anger toward this woman right now, which I feel is a little misplaced because she’s ill, but also she’s crushing my husband.

    Is there a book? A blog? Do I just need my own therapist at this point? We have a toddler and a pair of demanding jobs, complicating things. This is so terribly upsetting.

    1. You need your own therapist. You can’t stand in your husbands shoes and you can’t decide where his boundaries are, but you can decide where your own are.

    2. I’m sorry. You could try the Captain Awkward (blog) – she’s answered many questions about manipulative people and setting boundaries.

    3. I’m so sorry; this is really hard. I have some anger with my ILs over similar issues, although not quite as severe as what you’re describing. More run-of-the-mill health issues that have resulted from some very poor lifestyle choices throughout their adult lives. I’ve dealt with it by finding people other than my husband to vent my frustrations to — though therapy is a very valid option for this.

    4. Perspective: he sounds like a really great person. He’s helping his mother, even when she’s not the type of person you want to help; he’s going to therapy because it matters to you; he’s (presumably) also a hard worker and a good father.

      The downside is that he’s having trouble drawing boundaries and this is making his problems into your problems. In a marriage, one person’s problems always end up becoming both people’s problems – financial, psychological, emotional, health, whatever.

      Counseling (marriage, on your own, or joining in some of his sessions) can help you with the emotional side, but ultimately, she’s going to need to learn to not lean on your husband like this. If FIL used to do everything, she may need basic education in how to be an independent adult. I don’t know if the answer is classes at her local library, an elder care specialist, or her own therapist, but it needs to happen.

      Note: it may be easier for your husband to draw boundaries when there are solutions for her care that don’t involve him, nor involve her magically becoming independent and reasonable in her advanced age.

      1. Thanks for all the responses so far. Your assumptions are all correct in that he is just a wonderful, hard working person all around.

        I was actually the one running her finances but when she suspected foul play – she thought I moved money without her permission; I did nothing of the sort – we immediately outsourced. We are giving her one bill every 3-4 months to pay on her own, which is a giant step for her, and found her a financial planner in her hometown that will work through her “needs/wants list” (aka reign her spending in)… things she never wants to hear from us.

        So, we are slowly setting certain boundaries. But, last week she called him and referred to me angrily as “your wife” the whole call, in reference to a conversation we allegedly had over the holidays that never took place. She says I told her she can and can’t do certain things (like, what?!). And then that spun into a larger conversation about a whole host of things using the phrase “your wife” that were categorically false. We’ve been together 10 years and NOT ONCE had a conflict with her. Heck, over the holidays she was profusely thankful for the support we have been giving her.

        Last week she applied for a pistol permit without telling us, and it’s not that she needed to tell us but it’s extremely concerning given her mental health history. We only know because we have a shared “business only” email account that DH and I check regularly for bills and other things. She knows we see it. She knows the permit was emailed to the account and that we can see it. I can say with total confidence she did this and hasn’t told us because she wants us to see it in the email and bring it up. Ugh. So the boundary there is that we agreed not to visit her in her home, without telling her this of course. But, we don’t feel safe.

        Then today she texts DH something majorly controversial about her perceived shortcomings of him around lunch time, in the middle of the work day, demanding a call to discuss. He knows he doesn’t have to respond, but he did.

        It just goes on and on with no end in sight. I’m encouraging him to set boundaries and he is trying, I see that, but I also know it’s really hard given his dad’s death (who he was super close to).

        I’ve never seen a therapist but I feel like this might be when I say when..

        1. Umm, this woman is a danger to your family and mentally spiralling. This has become less of a “how can I support my husband while he helps his crazy mom” to “how can I protect my family from my MIL who seems to be spiralling into paranoid delusions, screaming fights, and is trying to get a gun”. This goes way past setting boundaries. At this point, I’d honestly have her committed, she sounds like she going down a dark mental hole that could have you at the bottom of it.

          1. Thank you; well aware. She’s 1,500 miles away, in a rural area outside a secondary city (a place she chose to live, BTW). No direct flight to/from. We are in no immediate physical danger nor will we put ourselves in her home/area with her. We’re trying to figure out if she’s getting the permit because she’s in a deep red state and, well, everyone carries or if it’s something else.

            I will not make the call to have her held against her will, DH can only make that call, though it’s something that has been seriously considered. Or maybe that is my call to make, I don’t know. I am seeking counseling just based on this thread. Grateful for this community.

            also, *rein, not reign… auto correct…

          2. Anon at 1:59 pm, I know you’re trying to be helpful, but your assessment of the MIL is… problematic. You aren’t a psychologist who has had her as a patient. It is not great to scream at your son, be nasty to his wife, and get a gun, but those things do not add up to “commit the mentally spiralling, paranoid woman.” (I really hate the anti-gun rhetoric here.)

            Reading what she’s doing is horrible. I know people like that, and they are just nightmares to put up with. But that doesn’t mean that they lose basic freedoms.

            Let’s break this down: the nonsense about “your wife” is a way to pit your husband against you. As his wife, you have a right to shut down her nonsense and to ask that his first priority be you and the children. Likely, she was more than happy to occupy that role in FIL’s life when he was alive. Your husband’s proper response is “You will not speak about my wife that way,” and “She is my wife; she comes first. Continue down this road at your peril.”

            Calling him at work and demanding an immediate response? Yeah, that’s my mother. It’s about control and feeling speeecial… she gets everyone to dance to her tune because she’s so important. My mother also has no concept of needs versus wants (and in fact, makes nasty and snide comments about the older cars my husband and I drive, our smaller but less expensive home, our old furniture, etc. – but will lay on the guilt trip if she ever finds out how much we have in the bank). Not sure how to fix that – it’s fulfilling an emotional need (to be special, to not have to have self-control, etc.) and isn’t subject to reason.

          3. Anon at 1:59; I strongly suspect that you know nothing about mental illness from a professional or personal perspective. My family member has a mental illness that is normally well-controlled, but sometimes the meds stop working. It is incredibly hard to have someone involuntarily committed. I know when my family member needs to be committed from 30+ years of experience, but if we try too soon she will be released within a few hours with no improvement. Absolutely nothing that the OP has said suggests that her MIL is in a condition that she could be involuntarily committed.

          4. Anon @2:48 she clearly indicated an escalation in behavior. It is better to err on the side of caution when someone is talking about getting a gun. Have fun in your own caution with a crazy person and go ahead and get killed. Given that OP mentioned as a reply that she’s in another state it’s less of a threat but if MIL had been in the same city, red alerts should be going off.

          5. Your hang-up about guns does not make her lose her basic freedoms. Please don’t be in charge of anything.

        2. You 100% need a therapist. The difficult, mentally ill person in my husband’s life was his ex-wife and we both saw a therapist separately and now together. It’s taken years but we are now much better able to manage her intrusiveness into our lives.

      2. I worry the reality is that we’ve set up society such that many people just aren’t capable of functioning successfully as independent adults (especially if they are mentally ill and/or disabled). To me the idea that a therapist or a local library can solve this seems as out there as the idea that involuntary commitment can solve this.

  32. Curious what others would do in this situation. Over the weekend, a friend called me and asked for a ride to the ER. She was having chest pains but didn’t know if it was acid reflux or because she was hungover or what. Friend is late 30s. I was an hour away so I told her I’ll meet her at the ER but she should get there sooner than I can get to her. She didn’t want to call an ambulance because of the expense. She said she would drive herself. I told her please don’t drive yourself, call an uber if you must, but please go now. Friend ended up driving herself. Everything ended up fine, they didn’t find anything wrong with her. My mother thinks I should have called an ambulance for friend even though she said she couldn’t afford it (and fwiw I’m not going to pay for an ambulance for friend). What would you have done?

    1. I would have told her to call an uber. If I got the sense that she may not call an uber, which is stupid for multiple reasons and cheaper than paying for parking at the hospital in my area, I would have considered calling an uber for her. But I completely disagree with your mom; I would never call an ambulance for a person who was conscious and denying an ambulance (and this is coming from someone who has called ambulances 4 times; twice were the person was conscious and agreed it was needed and twice when the person was unconscious).

    2. I would have told her to call her doctor, who would be better able to make the call on an ambulance or driving herself.

      Barring that, if she doesn’t have a primary care doctor, I would have sent her the cash for an Uber via PayPal. I would not, however, force her to spend a huge amount of money that she doesn’t have on an ambulance. Chest pain in women in their early 30s is usually benign.

      1. Health insurance companies often have a number you can call and speak to a nurse practitioner that can assess whether you need an ER or urgent care, and doing so will usually reduce the ER copay if the nurse does tell you to go to the ER – but not the ambulance, still take an Uber as long as you’re conscious, mobile, and not bleeding. That or ask a friend who lives close for help.

        I remember having chest pains in college and absolutely freaking out because I’d never had them before and I’ve got a touch of hypochondria. A couple ER trips later, I know what other symptoms to look for before worrying about a heart attack.

      1. +1 you easily could have called an Uber to her address, people do it all the time. No idea why she was stubborn and drove, and the cost of Uber is probably minimal but some people won’t help themselves.

    4. No way would I call an ambulance for a conscious adult refusing one. Especially when they are in their 30s hungover with chest pain. That’s called a Hangover with a side of Heartburn and Anxiety for dessert.

      I think you’re an amazing friend for meeting her at the ER under these circumstances.

      1. +1
        A grown hungover woman needs a ride from her friend an hour away? maybe I have unreasonable standards for myself & my friends but that feels asinine and I’d never ask a friend to do that for me.

    5. I’ve been exactly in this situation except that it was my grandpa, who has had heart attacks before. I called 911, and the EMTs were able to treat him without a trip to the hospital.
      His age, medical history, and the fact that I know he has insurance/financial comfort were all factors making the decision easier. But I am 100% sure, and the medical experts all agreed, that there was no question I was right to call 911.

      1. yeah, that’s actually not what I would call “exactly” the OP’s situation. Given age, health and background, you were 100% right and no one would dispute that. I generally think if someone thinks they or someone else is having a heart attack, call an ambulance. However, when the person has no risk factors or known conditions, is in their 30s and hungover, my standard for ambulance calling goes up.

        1. Except people don’t think heart attacks happen to women much, including younger women, and their symptoms are routinely missed in the ER since doctors are trained to look for the symptoms that are more common in men. Cardiac disease is one of the very top leading causes of death in women.

          1. I am aware. But, It is exceedingly uncommon in women in their 30s. Also I didn’t say she shouldn’t have gone to the ER just that in analyzing the risks and benefits and downsides, I come up on not calling an ambulance in this particular case.

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