Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: U-Neck Sleeveless Sheath Dress

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1. Very close friend is engaged and is getting married next year, currently planning the wedding. There has been some red flags and so I did a search and found out her fiancé is still legally married and in divorce proceedings. Friend says he has been divorced for years. Would you tell friend your findings, or is this none of my biz?

   1. I’d want you to tell me and, in this case, provide the documentary proof. DH was married before me and I confirmed with the relevant government organization that he was divorced before proceeding very far with dating him – so I did the due dilligence you’ve done because I wasn’t going to date someone who was still married. Clearly this was very important to me, which may be skewing my answer here.

   2. It is possible that she knows the truth and is saving face by finessing the timing in public. I would show her the court documents (so it’s official documents telling her, not you) and present it as “you probably already know this.” Also prepare what you will say when she asks why you are researching her fiancé. And do it once and then keep quiet about it.

      I met my husband while he and his wife were still working with their divorce mediator. In September, we will celebrate 17 (!) healthy, happy, drama-free years together.

      1. This is good advice. I actually have been in a situation very close to the OP – a new-ish friend brought her boyfriend to a barbecue at my house; my parents were present and my mom took me aside afterward and explained that they had been guests at the boyfriend’s wedding to someone else less than a year prior. I asked a friend who was closer to New Friend to share it with her. She did end up marrying the guy and they are still married 5 years later, but she did thank me later because he hadn’t been fully honest with her about what happened in that short-lived marriage.

         On the other hand, I start dating my husband while he was still legally married (their divorce litigation lasted two years from filing – and he’d moved out six months before the filing), and we too are happily married with zero drama many years later. But I didn’t tell anyone other than close friends that he was still legally married when we were dating.

   3. Keep it to yourself. My guess is that your friend knows her fiancé is in divorce proceedings, he was legally separated when they started dating and she decided not to share with people.

      1. This.

      2. +1 I don’t think confronting the friend will go over well.

   4. I would not. Most likely she knows and she is telling a story to avoid embarssment. Play out next steps after you tell her:
      A )Thank you. You have saved me from making a terrible mistake. I am so grateful. (not likely)
      B) WTF why are you snooping into my background. It’s none of your business. She tells fiance and he tells her you are awful/jealous/ oddball snoop etc… You are cut out of friend’s future.

      It’s not your business.

      1. B) was my impression just reading the post.

         OP what are you doing?

   5. Is there anyone closer or family whom you could talk to?
      Could you phrase it as a question like “hey is this the same guy?”
      Is there any way you could act like you came across this information innocently not purposely? She will suspect your motives.
      Is there any way you and a couple of other friends could present the information to her? You could practice with each other to role play her response.

      Red flags about him or her? I think if her behavior has changed drastically and you can phrase it with those concerns foremost, that is helpful.

      And also anything you can do to mitigate any shame or embarrassment and make your friendship a safe space, no questions asked, is highly recommended. We’ve all dated a person who fibs or almost fallen for a scam or not seen the whole picture and flags and focused on what we want to see. I know you will but emphasize your love and kindness not any “gotcha” or “he’s the worst” or WTH

      1. It would infuriate me to be approached in any version of this disingenuous manner. If you have a genuine concern, be direct.

      2. If OP did the snooping, she should own up to it. Lying to a friend like you didn’t come across it purposely only makes it worse. I also wouldn’t tell others. If you’re trying to create a “safe space,” then neither of these are great tactics.

         Frankly, I would focus on the red flags and then let her make whatever decision she wants to. That would honestly be the more concerning part of this for me. She likely already knows about what you found. And going forward, I also would look inward about what is and isn’t my business before “investigating” anyone. Unless she asked you or you were doing it together, then no good was going to come from that. It looks like you were rooting for it to fail.

   6. I’d definitely tell her but come from a place of I just wanted to make sure you knew rather than I found this information so you should call off your wedding, etc.

      1. Agreed. My sibling started dating someone who was long separated but still finalizing the divorce. No one outside our family knew the divorce wasn’t final yet. It was easier to fib and avoid judgement or questions.

         If OP’s friend is unaware she’ll be embarrassed or angry. Give her the option of playing it cool publicly.

   7. Why do you think she hasn’t googled it?

      1. I wouldn’t google marriage / divorce records of a dude with no kids, hiding of things, missing timeline, or anything else weird. You can get married and/or quickie divorced anywhere, so other than checking locally, your search is likely incomplete. Or you could be like Mick Jagger, going through with a “wedding” to Jerry Hall that isn’t a valid marriage where contracted (and I guess they didn’t fall into being common-law married).

         1. Really? I screen everyone I date in this way, after having unbeknownst to me, dated a married guy in my 20s. I found his marriage license just goofing around doing a public records search of him.

   8. Social norms of polite society would dictate to not tell her, but personally I would want to know and value honest information rather than niceties.

      1. In a similar situation years ago, a friend dated someone that I knew fudged some minor details on his work history – think a bit more than a white lie. Did not tell her because I figured the guy might have been embarrassed and I only knew the information confidentially. When they broke up, I mentioned this to her (came up somehow) and she absolutely would have wanted to know because it was only the first in many things that he fudged. So, I’d vote if you can bring it up with her, bring it up.

   9. I think you have to tell her now that you know. But I would never go digging around about a friend’s SO (unless she asked me to) because I wouldn’t want to be in this position. Whether she already knows or not, I think it’s going to be hard for you to come up with a friendship-preserving explanation for why you were researching her FH. You’re basically telling her, I don’t trust your judgment or your ability to do due diligence on your choice of spouse – one of the most important decisions in your life – so without asking you first, I substituted my own judgment for yours and it turns out I was right to do so because I found something you didn’t. And if you’ve expressed reservations about this guy before, there’s an implied, told ya so!, as the cherry on top. I think you should fall on your sword when you tell her; apologize for the overstep and maybe she’ll forgive you because you were looking out for her.

   10. Red flags were him stalling on wedding planning, and not allowing her to meet his children. The ex and family actually dont even know she exists. She’s wasnt allowed to post engagement pictures. There’s also some signs of isolation tactics (having her give up friends etc.) I appreciate everyone’s input.

       1. That is shady AF. You may still get blowback. I would send anonymously.

       2. Oh this changes my answer. If she’s a good friend, tell her. But just the facts, no advice on what to do unless she asks.

          1. +1

             This totally changes everything.

             I would tell her.

       3. I was just about ready to type an answer to leave it alone, but this changes things. I would share with her and let her know you will do what it takes to help her call off the engagement (and save face if she needs/wants to).

       4. I would tell her at your home or in a low-key place so she can process the news in private. I would tell NO ONE else until you have spoken to her so it doesn’t become a widely known thing in y’alls group.

          1. I would bet OP has already told someone else.

             1. She told all of us! Of course she has.

       5. If you are a close friend I would tell her, and explain that you took a look because a couple things didn’t sit right with you, particularly not meeting kids/family.

       6. That is useful information. In that position, I would ask why he keeps delaying the wedding – “is anything causing the delays?” Then listen to her answer. She may know and think it’s all fine, or she may not know. If she doesn’t know, I would tell her later in a separate conversation, acting as if the first conversation prompted the research.

       7. Oh yeah, okay. Those are super red flags.

       8. Why would you ever get engaged to someone without meeting their kids? She couldn’t post engagement photos??? Anyway, these are all horrible red flags and I would tell her asap in a private place, with wine! These red flags would make me want to call off the engagement.

       9. I am the 17 years of no drama from above. How can she be engaged to a man whose children and other family members she has not met? Now your document is one of a number of puzzle pieces that she needs to assemble the picture before making any more decisions.

       10. Oof! In that case I would definitely share with her. Also in some states there is a requirement that a divorce be final for a certain amount of time before you can get remarried, so if nothing else that may be something she needs to be on top of.

       11. I guess I have the opposite reaction as everyone else. With this many red flags it seems obvious he has something to hide. Either she already knows or she’s willfully ignorant.

           1. I disagree, sometimes people just want to be in love and want the fairy tale – it may not be willfully ignorant so much as she needs a friend to help her see the reality of the situation. It’s delicate, but a good friend will do it and forgive the friend for butting in regardless of how it turns out.

           2. Yes, she likely already knows and is buying whatever explanation he’s given. I have a friend who was involved with a guy with so many red flags (unemployed, an active warrant, 3 kids with 3 different women and no visitation or custody rights for any of them, not paying child support, domestic violence charges and accompanying restraining orders, etc.). We brought this to her but she knew about all of them and stayed with him because she believed his story. She only broke it off after her ex husband said the kids couldn’t be around him.

       12. This totally changes my answer. I seem to be in the minority that I just don’t care about the legal divorce proceedings as long as the person is actually separated from their spouse (not living together, separation of lives is worked out). I think people often use “divorced” and ‘separated’ interchangeably in those instances.

           The only exceptions for me are (a) delayed divorce proceedings are preventing you from getting married to the person or (b) are taking a truly unusual amount of time due to unresolved emotional issues (see my friend’s mom whose boyfriend of 20+ years took 15 years to get divorced).

           But this is a case where your real concern is that he is not actually separated from his wife, or that best case he lied about the timeline of his separation, which are material things I’d want to know as your friend.

       13. Ok wow, I just jumped from “not your business” to “throw your physical body in her path”. can you lay this all out at once, gently, to her? perhaps when confronted with all of this information at once she’ll be forced to admit to herself something is up.

2. Currently have two paid-off cars in my household-a 2012 Toyota Highlander and a 2017 Toyota Hybrid RAV4. Have twin teenagers who just got their licenses and am thinking of getting a new/newer car for them to drive with the most up-to-date safety features. What did you do for your teen drivers and any thoughts re: the Toyota Corolla Cross? Seems like a reasonable price, not too oversized but with good safety features.

   1. I don’t know if you are in a big city of crazy drivers or if they just make short trips (so could be easily gotten or walk if they break down) or if your city is like where my brother lives: 200K people in a reasonable city on the plains where streets run north-south or east-west and there is no nonsense like 5-way intersections or one-way streets that are routinely ignored.

      For me (teen driver with brand new learners permit and sibling a grade behind), I’d let them drive local on the cars you have after giving them a thorough checkout by a mechanic. After a year or if they are driving distances every day, then a new car.

      These are still new safe cars and the driver behind the wheel is the most important thing (and any idiot friends in the car with them — our state cracks down on non-family transport for the first year of having a license).

      1. My experience with crazy drivers hasn’t been in the big city I live in – it has been in rural areas! People drive way too fast there because there’s no traffic, and it seems like every time I’m driving that way on a highway that has two lanes in each direction, there’s some idiot in a lifted truck who won’t let me pass him on the left, as if it’s some sort of blow to his masculinity if I am going faster than him.

   2. My teen is driving my newer Prius.

   3. what safety features are you prioritizing for them?

      there is value in i.e. learning to backup without a rear view camera, right?

      is there a great difference in safety features since 2017? I really don’t know! my son is 14 and this is on my radar but not in my budget yet so actually asking to learn more not to challenge

      1. The backup camera would be one safety feature I wouldn’t want my kid to do without. Isn’t it becoming mandatory in new cars? There’s a reason for that – people accidentally run over their small children and pets that are too small to see even if you do everything right. I don’t think learning how to back up without a camera justifies the risk of accidentally killing someone or something.

         But the 2017 car should have a backup camera right?

         1. yes the 2017 car should have a backup camera. You can also add backup cameras to older cars that don’t have them.

   4. I think it’s beyond ridiculous to buy brand new teenage drivers a new car! What is the world coming to? They can share your 2012 car which is plenty safe and you the adult who makes the money, gets the new car.

      1. Sorry but there’s no world in which I’m sharing my car with my kids. That’s just punishing me not teaching them anything. As someone who got a beater as a teen, I vowed never to do that to my own kids – it was stressful having something old and unsafe.

         1. A 2012 Toyota is not a beater. It’s not old and it’s likely not unsafe*.

            *provided OP has been maintaining the car. But, if it was unsafe then there’s no way she’d be okay driving her kids around in it now. So, it’s safe to assume it’s not unsafe.

            Also, I think Anonymous’ post was pretty clear that she meant the kids share the 2012 and the OP gets a new car. But, many, many, many families share cars amongst the adults and kids. It’s not punishing the adults or teaching the kids anything, it’s simple economics.

            1. I myself drive a 2011 Honda and would let my teen learn and start driving in it this fall. A new car would be for ME.

            2. They are free to share cars, but I would not. I work so I can afford things like my own vehicle. I missed the 2012 piece, I’d give a 2012 car to my kid, I agree that’s not beater territory.

            3. Yeah as someone who currently has a ’99 Toyota and an ’09 Toyota and am soon getting a new-to-me ’15 Toyota, I’m laughing at the idea that a well-maintained 2012 Toyota is a beater. It’s most certainly not, and is a perfectly appropriate car for a teen to drive.

            4. Yup, I drive an ’02 Toyota. It’s great. If my car isn’t a beater, than one that’s 10 years newer isn’t either!

         2. I interpreted Anon at 9:22 comment to mean that the twin teen drivers can share the car between themselves, not share with OP/parent.

            Assuming the 2012 is not a beater and is in good mechanical condition – I would definitely let the new drivers share that and the adult gets the new car. I don’t know that there are any amazing safety features that would be persuasive enough for the teens to get the new car.

         3. Old does not necessarily mean unsafe. No one should drive an unsafe car. I would never allow teens to drive a brand new car unless I could pay for it in cash and not worry about them getting into an accident. In this case, I’d buy them a decent used car and make them pay for all upkeep.

         4. A 2012 car is not unsafe. And I meant the two twins share it.

      2. +1

   5. Here’s a great resource if you are buying cars for teens ihs.org/ratings/safe-vehicles-for-teens

      1. ooops it’s https://www.iihs.org/ratings/safe-vehicles-for-teens

   6. new drivers will get in an accident in their first 2 years driving. Hopefully a minor one, but the chances of nothing are so slim. There is zero chance I would buy a new car for a 16 year old. Maybe college age but even then… I would honestly pass off the Rav 4 to them and buy something newer to replace it for whoever normally drives that vehicle.

      1. I was coming here to say the same thing. When I was 16 I crashed my parents’ brand new car and… ouch! I handed my old car down to my kid (and got a new one for myself) when she was 16 and yup, she crashed it within the year. That was awful but much less awful than if it had been brand new.

   7. It is fine if you want to buy your kids a new car and can afford it but telling yourself that “newest safety features” is the reason you are doing so, instead of passing along one of the older cars that have good enough for you to drive them around in until just now, is intellectually dishonest.

      1. This.

      2. Why are you calling her a liar?

   8. the oldest family car became the teen’s and they were grateful, in my parts!

      1. Same. My husband and I may make an exception to this, because our “oldest family car” will likely be nearly 30 years old and actually is lacking safety features compared to new cars. But a 10 year old car is fine.

      2. +1 New drivers get the oldest family car and a AAA membership with a lesson on how and when to use it.

      3. As a teen I got my mom’s ten year old car while she purchased a new one. I was grateful that it wasn’t the end of the world if I scratched the paint job or dinged it. My parents only bought me a new car when it got to the point that I regularly needed to use jumper cables during winter.

   9. Kids get the oldest family car, you get the new car.

      A 2012 car still has plenty of updated safety features. It’s also good for kids to learn to drive without everything (I learned how to drive in my mom’s car (I did not have a car until I was 26!) which had a backup camera; then when I finally bought a car I bought a used car without a backup camera and had to re-learn how to parallel park without one). I think I’m a better driver now because I don’t have the bells and whistles.

      Hopefully your teens won’t get into a major accident (though plenty do!), but new drivers are guaranteed to have some bumps and scrapes and dings on their car. I would never give a teen a new car for that reason alone.

   10. Some of the newest “safety” features are incredibly dangerous and I’ve disabled them on my 2022 car. The lane control (or whatever it’s called) is particularly terrifying. Any time you cross the line even slightly it pushes your car back into the lane, and it’s hard enough that it takes the wheel from you and it’s difficult to fight back. You swerve to avoid a hazard? You’re on a scenic road with great visibility and you pull around a bicyclist? The car in front of you slams on its brakes and you pull into the shoulder to avoid hitting them? The lane control pulls your car back toward the thing you’re trying to avoid. I have no idea why anyone ever thought this feature was a good idea.

       All that is to say – do your research and drive the car yourself before you decide which safety features actually make the car more safe.

   11. In terms of safety features I totally understand the commenters saying a 2012 car is fine – I’d agree as long as it has a backup camera. There is definitely value in terms of learning mirrors/checking blindspots but not letting your new driver use a backup camera because ‘back in my day we didn’t have it and we drove fine’ is a bit like refusing to let them have a car with airbags – it is SO SO much safer to have a good backup camera, even for good experienced drivers!

       1. I always thought they should learn to drive without the backup camera just so that they learn those skills and not rely on it. If they ever have to drive a car without the camera, they might be in a tough spot. I’ve never had a backup camera and I’m fine in any car. It’s very different from air bags!

          1. I didn’t think there were any skills that could substitute for an expanded range of vision? There’s stuff you can see on a backup camera that you can’t see by turning around and looking, right?

             I think they can be added to older cars though.

             1. I wouldn’t know! I’ve never had one in almost 20 years of driving so I’ll have to take your word for it.

             2. I thought this too until I was regularly picking my kid up from daycare – you simply cannot see a toddler darting behind your rear bumper, or bending down to get something behind your car without the increased range of vision a backup camera gives you. I was SHOCKED at just how hard it is to see small children who are directly behind the back bumper (especially in higher SUV/minivans). I will never, ever drive a car without a backup camera – I still check my cameras but it makes things so much safer in parking lots, in crowded areas, or in cities.

          2. I don’t understand this line of thinking at all. It’s like saying, they should learn to drive with no mirrors because otherwise they won’t turn around to look! Additional lines of sight are always good. Teach your kid to not solely rely on the backup camera just like you teach them not to solely rely on their mirrors. But yes the backup camera will show you things – ie low to the ground and directly behind you like a pet or a small child – that it is not possible to see with the mirrors or by turning around even if you’re diligent.

       2. I do agree with this. There’s also other people involved. Do you want the guilt of your kid running over a kid or a pet because you wanted to teach them something by not giving them a car with a camera?

          1. Even with a camera, you should always check for kids / pets / anything that could be run over before getting into a car.

             The only thing a kid in a car without a back up camera is being taught is extra vigilance. It’s not a “character building opportunity”, it’s learning how to be a safe driver.

             1. Of course you should, my point is that cameras are there as an extra safety feature. I think you should care more about other people than whatever lesson you think you’re teaching your kid with an old car without that feature.

             2. As a 20 something, my friends with cars with backup cameras never check behind their car. Most don’t even use their mirrors or back window to see, they solely rely on their camera. I don’t think that’s safe and therefore wouldn’t have a kid learn on a car with a backup camera.

                It’s not teaching a kid a lesson, it’s teaching a kid how to be a safe driver.

             3. The only lesson being taught without a backup camera is how to be a safe driver.

             4. Rain often falls where it blocks my backup camera (like one big raindrop sitting there). It is great, but a teen should also learn to use side mirrors, rearview mirror, and turning around to drive in reverse (no one does that anymore).

                My camera sees a wide field of vision, but it’s not a complete field of vision. You need much more vigilance than from just that.

       3. +1 it’s a dangerous way to teach your kid skills that you could enforce when you’re in the car during their learner’s permit phase.

          I always struggled looking over my shoulder to physically check my blind spots. I couldn’t absorb what I was seeing while keeping the wheel steady. I decided to put stick-on blind spot mirrors on every car I’ve owned so I’m safer 95% of the time. If I occasionally rent a car without them I’m capable of manually checking my blindspots, just like your kid is capable of twisting around to check his rear if he’s ever forced to use an old car without a camera.

   12. Yeah I went to a private school that cost 35k a year when I graduate in 2011 (think it’s close to 50k now!). People there were RICH (1 if not 2 vacation homes, 3-4 kids attending this school, a SAHM, etc.). Even there, very few kids got new cars; most got the family’s oldest car and a parent got the upgrade. Also, siblings regularly shared cars. Most of my friends had weekend jobs to pay for their own gas or insurance too.

       If teens at my school made do with used cars, then I think any teen can :)

       Besides, a 2012 Toyota is still quite safe. It’s not like it’s a 20 year old car with no modern safety features (which, btw, a friend of mine in high school drove a car that was older than her).

   13. I bought a 2-door clunker with bad electricals, no airbags, and bald tires when I was a teen and drove that until the engine gave up literally as I rolled into the used car trade-in lot ten years later.

       My teen driver inherited our 2005 Yukon and has been driving that for a few years now. The mechanic confirmed it is all in safe running order (not all totally functioning, i.e., the heated seats died long ago and the tire pressure sensors are not accurate, but the engine runs great, brakes are solid, tires have good tread, seatbelts, airbags, lights, etc. are all clean).

       I guess if you can afford to buy a new vehicle for your twins, that’s great. It is just very different than what anyone in my circle did when I was that age, and now that my kid is that age.

   14. I am not as horrified as most by buying a new car for the teenagers, but I really think it would be fine to give them one of your existing cars. What about giving them the RAV4 and buying a new car for the spouse who generally drives that car? A 2017 model will be plenty safe, and honestly, I would rather have my kids in a small SUV than a small sedan like a Corolla.

       1. The Corolla Crossover is a crossover, so it’s a small SUV. I agree with wanting teens in a larger car, if possible. But, I would never give teens a new car!

          Your compromise about the Rav4 sounds reasonable (provided the spouse driving the 2012 is okay with having the oldest car). With a free to them hybrid, I’d definitely make the teens pay for their own gas.

          1. Ha! I am clearly not very up to date about cars. :)

   15. To everyone saying the kids should get a beater: We have a 2012 and a 2019. My kid drives the 2019. The 2012 does not have a backup camera, lane change warnings, or automatic emergency braking. The 2019 does. An adult with 30+ years’ driving experience is much safer in the 2012 than a brand-new driver. This is a no-brainer.

       1. None of the cars mentioned are beater cars and the question was not posed as “The 2009 car doesn’t have a backup camera.” When I had a small car, the camera would not have added much. Where they do help, IMO, is in something like my husband’s Tahoe, where there are significant blind spots and many kids are too short to be easily seen if they are back by the rear of the car on the passenger side on a sidewalk or in a parking lot.

       2. I completely agree with this take. Get your inexperienced kids the safest option, for them and for everyone else.

   16. My parents bought me a brand new Jeep when I turned 16 because they wanted me in a safe car. I promise you, I turned out fine. I work hard, understand the value of money and am grateful to my parents.

       1. Your parents bought you a brand new Jeep at 16 because they wanted you to love them and have a shot at being a popular kid in high school, definitely not because “safety.” it is totally a fine choice for them to make, and I am sure you did turn out well. Maybe you even were popular in high school and college (I was with my 8 y.o. Buick Skylark). But you were not in a super-safe vehicle.

          1. Yeah a Jeep is one of the least safe vehicles out there.

   17. OP here-thanks for your responses. I have a lot of anxiety about the prospect of my teens driving, hence why my thought process went towards their having the newest cars, but appreciate all of the perspectives. The 2012 has had a lot of major repairs lately and I feel like a Highlander is a bit big for them to drive. I might consider a different, less expensive third car instead of the Corolla Cross but am definitely going to get a third car of some sort as the whole benefit is that they’ll be able to drive themselves to school/sports/babysitting gigs etc. and I can I (hopefully) have more work time freed up. The third, newer car wouldn’t be “their” car in the sense that when they go to college we’d likely sell the Highlander and have the Rav4 and Cross but they would be driving it in the meantime.

       1. If you’re anxious about them driving the answer is lots and lots and lots of practice time. Way bigger impact than the car.

       2. Counter-narrative: I turned 16 in 1982, drove all of my parents’ very expensive and new cars when I was home (no cars allowed at my boarding school), got into no accidents ever even though this was all in Southern California LA/OC and on the freeways, work hard, appreciate the importance of saving/investing, appreciate everything my parents did for me, and all this was before back up cameras and beeping things in cars and I am magically still alive and healthy.

          1. If you were only driving on breaks from school you probably didn’t have nearly as many hours behind the wheel as other teens, so not as surprising you didn’t get into an accident. Daily commuting to school/activities/work really adds up.

       3. I agree – please do not give 16 year-olds a Highlander.

   18. We have a 13 year and this recently came up because we will be car shopping soon and want to strategize longer term.

       We want a new driver in a car <5 years old, not any bigger than a small SUV, and 4 wheel drive. We live in MA, ski, and have a steep driveway. We are considering a Subaru Forester but would love to hear other options.

       This would be our second car for the short term, then our kids’ car. We’d get DH a sports car when this car goes to the kids.

       1. I have a 2020 forester and I think that would be a great option for a new driver. Caveat being that I have actually never regularly driven anything smaller than an SUV. When I was learning to drive, my parents had a Suburban and a truck. They eventually bought me a 4Runner that was about 4 years old, which I proceeded to keep for 20 years before replacing it with the Forester. So I say buy them the Forester and with luck they’ll keep it until they’re in their 30s:-)

   19. When I was a teen driver, my family had three cars. It was VERY clear that my family had three cars, I had none (I once lost driving privileges for a weekend for calling a car “my car”). I drove whichever car was available (my parents didn’t have set cars either; my mom had a 40 mile round-trip commute and my dad had a 5 mile round-trip commute so they purposely mixed up the cars they drove to keep mileage reasonable). I was just grateful to have access to a car. There were also times when my parents just said no you can’t have a car, which was annoying but totally fine.

       This worked out great, as I learned how to drive and park big and small cars (1 SUV, 1 pickup truck, 1 sedan). Some cars were newer with backup cameras, some were older without, one had sensitive breaks and one did not, etc. so I learned how to drive / park a variety of cars. Since it wasn’t my car, I wasn’t responsible for maintenance or insurance costs, but was responsible for my own gas and keeping whatever car I was using clean. Once my sister got her license, we were responsible for figuring out when I got to drive a car and when she did.

       Since it was not “my car”, I always was very careful with the car. I had friends who were given a family car who were way more reckless than I was as a young driver.

   20. FWIW, a lot of the “new” safety features were standard ten or even fifteen years ago: side curtain airbags, traction control, blind spot systems, crumple zones, tensioner seatbelts, whiplash systems, ABS.

       As a data point, my 2000 Volvo had every single one of those things except for blind spot detection.

       What safety features is your 2012 lacking?

3. I’m searching for shoes to wear on my wedding day, and am feeling overwhelmed by all the options. I’d appreciate some input to point me in the right direction, given the factors below:

   – I’m 5’2″, so it would be nice to add some height.
   – My dress has a slit; It’s not apparent when standing still, but I assume my shoes might show when I’m walking.
   – Average high temp on my wedding day is 60 degrees Fahrenheit.
   – I don’t expect to walk on grass during the ceremony or reception, but there will probably be some pre-ceremony photos on grass.

   What that in mind, what type of shoe do you think I should be looking for? Anything you loved or regretted about your own wedding shoes?

   1. Whatever you’re comfortable going about your business in. I wore 3″ stilettos for my wedding (similar to you, some photos in grass but nothing else) and while I was happy to go barefoot back at the hotel, I routinely wore that height for work and so I wasn’t hobbling around even after dancing.

      Another option is to have a comfier pair for dancing if you want to go with a higher-than-sustainable pair for the ceremony & early reception.

      1. Whatever you are comfortable in! My wedding shoes had about a 1.5″ wedge (I don’t like heels and am 5’8″ so I didn’t need them for height) and so they were comfy for me and no issues around grass.

      2. Another vote for ‘whatever you’re comfortable in’. I opted for a pair of colored heels (about a 3 inch heel as well, which I frequently wear) and still wear them for anniversary dinners and the like.

   2. The Margaux City Sandal has some bridal specific color/material options, and some that aren’t bridal specific but would work for a bride. They’re a 2.5in block heel and my go to wedding guest shoe because they’re so comfy to dance all night in but also look very elegant.

      1. I was thinking about the Margaux City Sandal as my go-to wedding guest shoe, but it’s a big splurge for me. What color did you get it in to make it the most versatile?

         1. I have the champagne and the black, and I wear the champagne way more often. It’s a very muted metallic, not too shiny, so it’s a great neutral. I think the saddle would also be a great choice if you don’t wear black that often.

   3. I wanted closed toe and straps so nothing flew off or stepped out. also I wore white nylon pantyhose stockings it was 20 years ago! I guess if you’re getting married soon and have a slit, no stockings, right? so how will you handle feet sweat or swelling? also they will have to be comfortable against your skin wherever they touch – not a time for blisters!

   4. The best thing i did was wear heels for the photos and ceremony and change into white platform sneakers for the party. I had my dress hemmed for the sneakers, which actually had a bit more height than the heels. I danced the whole night in no pain and had the best time

   5. My friends all got heels they could wear again, so nothing white or too princessy. They were happy to rewear them instead of throwing the money away. If you’re wearing colored shoes (like blush or blue) make sure they don’t clash with your bouquet.

   6. I found a pair of plain nude wedge dress sandals from Nine West at TJ Maxx for $30. One wide strap across the toes, one across the ankle. I was comfortable, they disappeared under my dress (what I wanted), and I really do wear them regularly even 5 years later.

      1. This sounds perfect (or maybe a block heel now, which could be more current). Nude / non-noticeable but not super bridal color, toe and ankle strap, comfortable, can be worn again.

   7. I bought aquazurra 2.5 inch heels as I find their shoes to be the comfiest heels (and that’s why they are ubiquitous on red carpets) and are really well made. Used solemates (plastic caps to make the heel a bit wider) to deal with cobblestones, gravel, boardwalk and grass. To be honest, I’ve only worn them a few times since for special occasions with my husband.

      1. I wasn’t familiar with this brand, but just clicked through their website. This looks perfect, if you don’t mind the cost: https://www.aquazzura.com/us_en/shoes/sandals/sundance-sandal-50-white-sudmids1-wvr-fff.html

   8. I wore the Jimmy Choo Azia sandals in champagne glitter for my wedding. They are surprisingly comfortable despite the heel height, and would look gorgeous with a dress with a slit.

   9. I’m not married, but I would wear the Margaux City Sandal. I’ve heard great things about how comfortable Margaux shoes are, it has a block heel (comfortable but also good on grass), it’s a 2.5″ heel so gives you height but is still comfortable, and has both an ankle and heel strap. It can be worn again. You can get it in the regular collection in nude or metallic, or in the bridal collection in white.

   10. I needed something reasonably comfortable, and I loved the idea of a blue shoe as my “something blue.” I went with a wedge heel because I didn’t need much height and knew I’d be able to wear them through the night. If my feet were narrower and I could wear them comfortably, I would have wore Badgley Mischka shoes. Talk to your photographer about your dress and shoes to see if they have thoughts on different photos/poses that might show off your shoes. Don’t wear white satin shoes in the grass unless you are okay with them getting marked/dirty.

   11. I had similar needs as you on my wedding day back in October. I also didn’t want to switch back and forth between pairs of shoes if I could avoid it. I found a 2 to 2.5 inch block heeled sandal that had a fun detail, but was simple overall. This was great as I was on grass for a lot of the time, and was comfortable the whole night. Bear in mind, I didn’t do a ton of vigorous dancing. I knew I couldn’t handle a very high heel so avoided it. I also really, really didn’t want to be uncomfortable. I ended up buying a shoe that is now discontinued from Blue by Betsy Johnson, but here are some brands I looked at and seriously considered that fit my criteria:
       More from Blue my Betsy Johnson: https://betseyjohnson.com/collections/shoes-betsey-blue?narrow=%5B%5B%22Type%22%2C%22Type%3AHeels%22%5D%5D (under $100 and up, blue soles for your something blue!)
       Forever Soles: https://foreversoles.com/ ($200 and under, pretty velvets and embellishments)
       Kate Whitcomb: https://www.katewhitcomb.com/collections/wedding-shoes (around $100 and up, great details)
       Badgley Mischka: https://www.badgleymischka.com/wedding-shop ($150 and up)
       Bella Belle: https://www.bellabelleshoes.com/ ($250 and up, beautiful, gorgeous, spendy)
       Margaux: https://margauxny.com/ ($300+)
       Harriet Wilde: https://www.harrietwilde.com/collections/home (lovely, expensive)

       Hope this is helpful!

   12. If gold works with your vibe, J Crew factory has a pair of strappy gold heels with a slightly thicker heel that are insanely comfortable. I wore them to a wedding last weekend and was on my feet a long time (I officiated!) and my feet didn’t hurt at all after tons of dancing and 8 hours on. Recommend. They were well made too.

   13. I wore gold metallic Jimmy Choo pumps and they were gorgeous but my feet were hurting by the end of the day. If I had it to do over again I’d still do gold but I’d do a block heel. I just did a search for “block heel wedding shoes” and found a lot of great options.

   14. A girl I follow on Instagram wore dark blue Manolo pumps for her wedding day and I am obsessed with it. Such a great look.
       My best friend wore silver sequined sneakers for the whole thing, a very cute vibe. I think Kate Spade makes a pair, but there’s definitely cheaper options too. You could definitely just wear sneakers for the reception if you’d rather wear heels for the ceremony/pictures and want to be more comfortable for dancing.

4. I liked this dress from the front. I clicked on it. Exposed zipper. And now we are done here.

   1. My thoughts, process and conclusion were exactly the same.

   2. How does it feel living in 2009?

      1. Exposed zippers did not get more fashionable in the last 14 years; they got less so.

      2. Not quite 2009, but I would have snapped this up in 2015.

   3. Ughhhhh. Thanks for saving me the click.

   4. I hate the look of exposed zippers but I love having a sturdier zipper on my clothes. Those hidden zippers are always hard to zip up over a seam, and they’re so itty bitty they can really hurt your fingers!

   5. I hate the look of exposed zippers but I love having a sturdier zipper on my clothes. Those hidden zippers are always hard to zip up over a seam, and they’re so itty bitty they can really hurt your fingers!

      1. I really don’t understand all the pearl clutching on here about exposed zippers.

   6. I have a couple older dresses with an exposed zipper. They’re definitely not work appropriate but they are great for date night. My bf would obviously never notice that an exposed zipper is dated.

   7. No one is clutching their pearls at an exposed zipper in 2023

      1. who said the OP was clutching her pearls? People are allowed to dislike exposed zippers…

      2. They look cheap and tacky.

      3. It’s not pearl-clutching, it’s that an exposed zipper is dated.

      4. +1. I just don’t like the way they look.

   8. I have to wonder who thought pairing a black dress with a white zipper was in any way a good idea.
      I’m one who prefers regular zippers because invisible zippers are so fragile, but I like them to be the same color as the dress…

      1. This actually raises a great point – why can’t exposed zippers at least match the dress? Still a loom but at least a bit more interesting and less tacky.

         1. *Look

         2. Right. But the reason they don’t is specifically because the “look” is meant to be sexy. It’s a fail on that front for me, but it is absolutely the reason they don’t match the dress. Yet another example of the fashion industry encouraging women to dress “sexy” at work.

5. Where do jumpsuits fall now on the acceptable fashion v so last year scale? I posted on one of the threads that I struggle with figuring out what is hopelessly out of style v still acceptable. Notice I’m not asking about trendy.
   I have two weddings to attend this year and haven’t tried jumpsuits yet, but I think a jumpsuit could work for both events. I’ll try the style if unless this is so 2021 and I’ll look very out of date.

   1. I like matched sets vs rompers or jumpsuits. I have a short torso so the fit is otherwise way off on me. I do like the sleek look and they can be dressy or casual.

   2. I love the way I look in a well-fitted jumpsuit and have several that are in my regular work rotation. I even bought a gorgeous silk one this summer to wear to my office holiday party this winter.

   3. Still cute but less trendy than a matched ‘set’.

      I give jumpsuits a wide berth bc my proportions aren’t the perfect average torso, lol. If the fit is the tiniest bit off you’ll either look like you’re wearing a diaper with a saggy cr-tch or you’re giving yourself a 180 degree wedgie – not to mention having to take the whole thing off to use the bathroom.

      1. Regardless of the trendiness, you may have just talked me out of even attempting to find the unicorn that fits and helped me avoid undressing/redressing all night. I hate to shop and I hate hassles. Apparently this garment is not for me! Thank you for saving my sanity.

         1. I was going to say I have one jumpsuit that fits because of this issue. I like wearing it regardless of trends because they fit so few people well, it’s usually a unique look.

      2. This. I’m sliiiiightly shorter than average (so too short for most regular clothes but 1-2 inches too tall for petites) and I have given up on ever trying to find a jumpsuit that would work on me without extensive tailoring. I’m not a master sewist but from my interactions with tailors trying to fix the rise on a crotch is one of the more difficult things to do. I’ve long been advised to never buy pants if the crotch/rise is the issue as tailoring it to fit can also impact the way the seat and waist fit in really odd ways.
         Plus I cannot imagine having to take my entire top off to pee, no thank you.

         1. Average height for a woman in the US is 5’4”, but clothes do not reflect this reality.

            1. Yes, as a 5’4″ woman I have to either wear petite dresses or get them hemmed. They all hit me at such a bad spot!! Also, petites are sadly very limited.

            2. As a fellow 5’4 women (maybe a smidge over) I 100% feel your pain!

   4. I mean you’re horrified by an exposed zipper which has been perfectly acceptable for a decade so query how up to date you want your fashion?

      1. Hard disagree, exposed zippers are extremely tacky

      2. to each their own. I find bold zippers unattractive and bulky so that rules this dress out for me, too.

         1. I’m the same. I didn’t like them 15 years ago, and I don’t like them now. The trend could come back raging and I’d never buy a dress, shirt, skirt with an exposed zipper.

      3. exposed zipper actually reads very 2012 to me

         1. Same

      4. +1: It’s not work-inappropriate, but it is dated!

         1. +1 exactly this

      5. An exposed zipper is definitely not up to date.

   5. Jumpsuits are great. The trick is just finding one that fits for your shape/proportions. For many of us they don’t work and aren’t flattering unless they are very loose/flowy/unstructured to hide mismeasurements.

      But they are still great.

   6. I personally avoid them because I wore them as a small child and hated them then, lol.
      I think, though, that they only really work on certain body shapes and proportions, regardless of how in style or acceptable they are…so if that’s you, then go for it.

   7. I have one and won’t buy another. I can’t stand getting completely undressed to use the bathroom, and then especially at public bathrooms I feel like it’s hard to keep all that fabric off the floor. Yuck.

6. What podcast apps do people recommend? I’ve been using Stitcher for years, but it’s shutting down at the end of the month. I have an iPhone but I really dislike Apple Podcasts. My husband and I share Spotify, so that’s out. Also, I liked having a separate feed dedicated to podcasts vs a mix of music and podcasts.

   1. following – sad to see it go, dislike apple and oddly find spotify annoying and hard to use (just me? is it better if i get a subscription?). Stitcher felt very basic and simple to use,which is great since I listen when Im falling asleep. I like being able to create groups for my podcasts in the Shows tab, and the filtering/sorting for episodes was handy. I hate scrolling a mile to find my spot in a list of episodes.

      1. Definitely upgrade to Spotify Premium. I’m also a Stitcher user and am migrating my podcasts over. I’m not a huge fan of the podcast interface, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

   2. I use Spotify. Could you and your husband do the Spotify family plan and therefore each get your own profile?

   3. I like overcast.

      1. Second vote for Overcast, both my husband and I have been using it for years.

   4. Google podcasts

      1. +1

   5. I use Downcast and have for years. I like having one big playlist with every podcast I follow (almost 300) and then multiple sub-playlists that are topic specific

   6. The best–Pocketcast. I love their interface. It’s $10 a year. Cannot recommend more highly. LOVE IT.

   7. I’m happy with podcast addict.

7. I’m getting divorced and am at peace with it personally. Telling my professional network (and in particular, coworkers) is the last “big” thing on my list, and I’m irrationally nervous about it. My immediate team members have met my spouse (there’s firm-related family events), and everyone in my immediate team is family-focused. I don’t normally share details about my personal life, but it seems like telling people without any context would be a shock and make me seem unrelatable. I don’t have kids, so I would be the only person at my level without a “family” (flagging this as there’s potential for this to alter the work distribution; I’m a senior associate in “biglaw”). I know of some professional network connections that are divorced, but not anyone I’m close with, and I’ve never seen how anyone announced it or told colleagues about it. Does anyone have suggestions, tips, insight from experience? Any and all pep-talks welcome. TIA!

   1. In my experience, this is where a gossipy friend is useful. You tell them and they tell everyone else casually. Much less awkward.

      1. +1

         You tell the one person in your work circle that you are closest to, and let them spread the word.

   2. In biglaw, I barely knew a partner who wasn’t divorced! In all seriousness, set the cue in how you’re feeling about it. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you, if you’re bummed and sad, I’ll take something off your plate. But it’s hard to guess, I don’t want to probe with a coworker and just want to be supportive.

   3. You can do it! I would recommend dropping it into casual conversation when possible with one or two closer work colleagues. I know this feels like a big deal, but your colleagues will want to support you. I have a work friend who went through this, and he just told a few of us in one-on-one conversations. Word spread from there naturally.

   4. Are you changing your name back to a maiden name? If you are, it will probably come up that way… I’d send an email letting people know that your name will be changing so they aren’t surprised when your email handle or signature block changes.

   5. It’s 2023. Divorces happen. “Just wanted to let you know I’m getting divorced and I’m at peace with it.”

   6. I would only tell them when it was over so they can’t claim that you are suddenly underperforming and “appear distracted.” I’ve known too many women who turned from golden-child/wunderkind status to getting counseled out when they suffer a personal tragedy like a divorce, having a child in the NICU, or getting appendicitis. All true examples, fyi.

      Oh, and don’t explain it or provide details about the reasons for the divorce. The more you say, the worse it looks.

      1. + a million

   7. If you don’t normally share details about your personal life, do you have to tell people? Stop wearing your ring, change your name if you’re doing that, casually mention your ex-husband/soon to be ex-husband as it is relevant in conversations, and people will figure out you’re getting divorced. I don’t think you have to make an announcement or make a point to tell people.
      Alternatively, I agree that this is when a gossipy coworker is great. Tell that person, including that you’re at peace with it, and even tell the person you don’t mind if they tell other people. News will spread. And then you’re done.

      1. +1 I wouldn’t announce it. Let it come up organically, even if that takes a long time.

         1. +1 similar work environment and wouldn’t announce it either. Would let it come up naturally (eg in response to “what did you and your spouse do this weekend?” “Oh it’s just me these days, we’re no longer together. I went for a long bike ride!”). Or if you change your name in your email signature, would let people assume from that.

      2. Agree with this. That’s what I did. It’s really nobody’s business and shockingly, nobody much cares.

         The gossipy co-worker can be a backup/parallel plan.

         1. Heh. Now I’m reminiscing. My divorce took a long time and when it started I was in a newish assignment and didn’t tell anybody. By the time it was final, I was back in a different office where I was much closer to my co-workers, and I took everybody out for after-work drinks to celebrate when it was finally over!

            Good times, man…

   8. I got divorced while a mid-level. My suggestions:
      – it may be a shock but won’t make you seem unreliable. Most married adults understand that there’s a lot that happens in a marriage that isn’t externally visible. You don’t need to provide an explanation and only rude people or close friends will ask.
      – tell your immediate team personally, and then let people know that it’s okay to share the news so you don’t have to tell everyone in the firm. I actually expressly deputized our most gossipy admin to go spread the word.
      – talk to HR about any logistics you need to do, including how to change your email if you’ll have a name change.

      It feels hard and awkward but most people’s immediate concern will be your well-being, not what happened.

   9. I went through a divorce as a senior associate in BigLaw back in 2020. Everyone was fully remote at the time, and my now ex husband had been to many firm events in the prior 7 years.

      I had to take time off after discovering his affair, and I told my immediate team what was going on, in varying levels of detail (IE senior partner got the very high level version of why I needed time off). Because it was the height of the pandemic, no one besides my immediate team knew that I was essentially out for a month. When I came back after that, I asked a close team member to spread the word that I was getting a divorce, and that was about it. Everyone was super supportive.

   10. This isn’t an announcement sort of thing. You just let it come out naturally in convo, or through gossip, or because somebody needs to know you have a different email.

   11. I’m a partner in BigLaw. One of my senior associates just went through a divorce that was particularly challenging. She called me and told me about it; I said, “I’m so sorry, how can I help?” She said,” I need to ramp down a bit at work,” I said, “Great, tell me when you’re ready to ramp back up,” and then we executed. End of story. She’s back and fabulous.

       Also, I frankly think that the older folks in your office may be easier than the younger. By the time you hit 50, most people have gone through a divorce, watched family go through a divorce, etc. It feels much less shocking now than it did when my first friend got divorced at 33.

8. My father passed away recently, and left the bulk of his estate to his second wife. My siblings and I are not particularly happy about this. His assets were accumulated with his first wife, our deceased mother. I know he genuinely loved his second wife and wants her to be taken care of. But it hurts a lot to know that everything my mother worked so hard for will go to a woman who I just do not like that much. And although financially I am fine I live overseas and probably can’t afford to move back to the city I grew up in without generational wealth. I feel like I have lost my father, have also lost the remainder of my mother’s legacy, and lost the chance to move home again. It’s a lot of loss.

   I can either work on letting it go or opt to challenge the will (this is possible legally where he lived). I have consulted a few lawyers and their advice is that my odds are not zero but not particularly strong either. What’s the right path here? A good therapist to help me try to let it go, or a good estate lawyer to try to get something back?

   1. Let it go. Spouses are the default inheritor and if he actually set it up that way, let it go and don’t add stress to someone else’s grief for a losing argument. I‘ve seen this more from the second wife’s perspective and if you have any relationship with her, maybe try to form more of one? Chances are she actually loved you, too and it may be an opportunity to be close with someone who actually has memories of your dad. If that’s unrealistic, perhaps ask for something sentimental as a keepsake. And I’m sorry for your loss.

      1. I disagree if part of the estate left to the second wife contained money or assets OP’s mom contributed to the marriage/household. OP, did your mom leave everything to your dad when she died?

         1. Yes, she did.

         2. Nope, you still let it go.

         3. Can an estate lawyer chime in here? I’m not understanding the legal basis for clawing back money the dad inherited upon the mom’s death. Presumably it was his to give away as he pleased?

            1. In the US, there probably isn’t a legal basis (without something else like lack of capacity, etc.)

   2. Let it go. It’s his money to do with what he wants. And I very much doubt that you can’t afford to move home. Perhaps not in the style to which you’d like to become accustomed, but surely there is a way.

   3. Do you really need the money? Is it worth making the life of his grieving widow more difficult? If the answer to both is yes then it’s your parents’ money and you have a right to contest the will.

      But consider why you don’t like his second wife. Did she mistreat your dad? Did she intentionally hurt you and your siblings? FWIW my grandma had a long term partner after her divorce. She wasn’t close with his adult children but they were happy as a couple and she was his primary caregiver during his final years. After his death his kids contested the will and made sure my grandma got next to nothing. From her perspective she was a loyal partner and he intentionally put her in the will, so why do they kids think they should override his wishes simply because they dislike her?

      1. It does seem really disrespectful to the more recently deceased parent to completely disregard their wishes about what they wanted to do with their estate.

      2. Exactly, grow up and realize your parents are people and entitled to choose their partners. You’re not entitled to override their choices because you don’t like them.

         1. This is so unkind. She’s grieving. She’s coming here for help and support. Comments like this really turn me off of this s!te.

         2. That’s unkind, and not what I asked about. And I am legally entitled to challenge the will.

            1. …Are you legally entitled to challenge the will? It doesn’t sound like your parent is mentally incompetent. People disinherit people all the time. It’s not nice, but it’s not grounds for challenging a will. Be grateful you got something.

            2. Sure and you can sue for anything but that doesn’t make it the right decision or you a good person. I’m sorry for your loss but your reaction is very immature.

            3. If the lawyer said “not zero,” they meant zero. Because anything is possible theoretically, this is often how “not a chance” is phrased.

            4. You aren’t legally entitled to challenge the will. You are legally able to challenge the will. There’s a difference. And in lawyer speak, “not particularly strong” generally means that “you have a very small chance of prevailing in court, but if you want to pay me to try, I’ll do it.” Factor in how much it would cost you in attorney’s fees to do this. The estate would also potentially be paying some attorney’s fees as well. Also, the amount of time that it would take to do this. Do you have the time and money to do this? Think tens of thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees. Multiple trips back to your home country to deal with court dates. No final decision for years into the future.

            5. I don’t see this as unkind. So many people completely dismiss the choices of their elderly parents because they don’t agree with them, without acknowledging that their parents are people with agency who can make seemingly bad decisions if they want to.

      3. Thank you.
         I don’t like her because she influenced my father to become more involved in an extreme faction of their religion. Even on the day we took my dad off life support in the hospital she told me how ‘disappointed’ he was that my siblings and I chose not to follow their religion. I know in her belief system this was meant to be a compassionate statement. But it is hard to have a relationship with someone whose worldview is so different.

         1. I am not a religious person, but for real – check yourself here.

            Your dad was a grown adult with agency. If he hadn’t wanted to get more involved in the “extreme faction” of their religion, he could have said no. He also could have changed the will/trust so that you and your siblings got more of a share. He chose not to do that. It stings, but it is what it is.

            Having seen situations where there was actual elder abuse, blatant manipulation of folks who had dementia, etc. you have very little ground to stand on here. You don’t like your dad’s wife because she has a different worldview than you do – and thus you feel entitled to challenge the will? I am really sorry that all the plans you made when you were counting money that didn’t actually belong to you now won’t come to pass. But you need to grow up, here and realize that you were entitled to nothing – your dad could have left his entire estate to charity, or to his cats, or something – and so maybe be grateful that A. you got anything at all and B. it sounds like your dad had a loving companion to be with him in his last days and not everyone gets that. You need to calm down, take several breaths and take several steps back from this before you initiate legal proceedings that are very likely to create a lot of complications and bad blood and will likely not be worth it, in the end.

            1. +1

   4. Did he leave a house or other real property to her? Would there be a way you could offer her a compromise (rather than sue her/the estate) where she keeps the property for life (does not sell it) and leaves it to you when she passes? Is the money he left her necessary for her to maintain the lifestyle she had with him? If so, I wouldn’t contest the money aspect of it.

   5. I am very sorry for your loss, OP. That is hard, and I’d be hurt too. My advice is to ask the lawyers what the window is to dispute the will before you loose the right to make a claim. Then, once you know how much time you have to challenge the will, let it sit a bit. It sounds like the loss is recent, and you are understandably in a lot of pain. Litigation can be expensive, drawn out, and painful as well. As time has passed and things are less “raw,” maybe you will decide it is worth it to dispute the will, or maybe not.

      Do you have a reason to think your father was not in full capacity to make the will? Do you have siblings? Are they considering challenging it as well?

      1. Thanks. I have a few months so no need to decide right away.

      2. I agree with this. Let it sit for awhile. I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a very hard time, and dealing with the grief plus financial aspect is a lot. My dad put himself in a situation where a large family asset ended up not passing to me and my siblings upon his death, and it still bothers me but the hurt is less.

         I occasionally do estate litigation, and if the lawyers you have spoken to tell you a will challenge is unlikely to succeed, they are right. That means you will spend a lot of money to fight the will and not gain anything by doing so. Depending on where you are, you may also end up paying the other side’s legal fees as well. People have the right to leave their property as they choose, and your dad chose to leave it to his wife. Unless there is clear capacity issues (as in, he had been diagnosed for years with dementia) at the time the will was signed, the hurdle is so high to overturn a will. The litigation will be worse for your mental health and grieving process.

   6. I’m sorry, I get the grief of this. My grandfather is remarried and has made it clear the vast majority of his estate will go to his wife. She’s a nice person and should definitely get her share, but my mom and her sisters feel similar grief about their mother’s legacy. Honestly absent any mental competency concerns it’s very hard to challenge a will in the US (if that’s where you are) and it’s a brutal battle that can tear your family apart. I would try to let it go.

   7. I am so sorry for your loss. I expect I will be in your shoes sometime in the next decade, as my father’s second wife is much younger. I do not get along with her but she makes him happy. My late mother probably would have preferred someone who made him happy AND liked his children, but that’s not what happened.

      Think about what you really want here. Do you want a portion of the wealth, or do you want peace with his choices that hurt you? Either way, you are right to acknowledge that you have multilayered grief, and a therapist may help you sort through those questions, so I’d start there.

   8. I’m sorry for your loss.

      If it were me, I’d work on the “getting over it” option. I am in a similar situation, although my father is still alive. He has significantly more assets than I could ever dream of having, but that is due to my career choice (he was Big Law, I am in non profit). As far as I’m concerned, he earned those assets, and he can distribute them as he chooses, which will almost definitely be to his second wife (my mom passed 20 years ago). Yeah, the money would make my life easier, but i am not actually entitled to it, nor do I have any right to tell him what to do with it.

      In your post you wrote that it “hurts” that he left the money to your stepmom. I can totally empathize with that, but I think it’s a matter for a therapist, not a judge.

      1. +1, so well said, and kudos to you PP for owning your choices and the maturity and lack of entitlement reflected in this post!

   9. I get why you’re annoyed but this is normal – people leave their money to their spouses.

   10. A friend of mine just went through this. When her dad remarried his second wife, one of our mutual friends, who is a lawyer, warned her about the possibility that he would leave everything to the second wife and to be mentally prepared for it. There was a current trust in place and so my friend brushed off the suggestion. But what our lawyer friend warned about came to pass: her dad altered the trust so that the second wife got 80% of the estate and the remaining 20% got split between herself and her brother. The estate was worth about $5 million, so we’re talking about a considerable amount of money. And my friend’s dad and his second wife were only married about 5 years before he passed. So not the most equitable decision on her dad’s part (IMO). But – he had told his kids, from the time they were small, to expect that he would “die broke and leave them nothing” and so essentially, even though he wasn’t broke, he followed through on the promise to “leave them nothing” and had taken pains to get all the paperwork in place necessary to make that happen. Why he was like this, I couldn’t tell you (I had only met him a couple of times and he seemed like a difficult and cantankerous person, but that was just my impression from brief interactions).

       My friend was understandably upset (I understand why you’re upset too) but she talked to our lawyer friend, and saw a couple of lawyers, and end of the day – while Dad’s money was mostly made when he was with Mom, it’s his money and he can do whatever he wants with it. Including leaving it to the second wife. A will or trust that clearly spells out the deceased’s wishes is difficult to challenge, apparently, unless the person was in some kind of altered mental state when the papers were signed (and in my friend’s case, her dad was sharp as a tack right up to the day he died, so there was no case to be made there). So, I think therapy is going to be more useful than challenging the will. I completely understand why you’re angry and upset – I would feel similarly. But this is, unfortunately, one of those things that happens in some people’s lives, and there probably is no remedy or legal redress you’re going to effect.

       Please note: I am speaking as a non-lawyer but someone who values peace and lack of complications in my own life; lawyers here may have a different perspective. For me, a protracted battle to legally wrest money away from my dad’s late wife would not enhance my peace of mind or life satisfaction, even if in the end I got some money out of it. I am sorry that now your dream of moving back to your hometown may be gone but bottom line: your dad wasn’t obligated to support that dream. You will probably experience greater peace and life satisfaction by working on your emotions with a therapist and trying to move forward. My $.02. I am sorry for your losses, and I hope you can find some healing.

   11. It’s going to be expensive and miserable. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Don’t live consumed by this animosity.

       1. +1. I am a T&E lawyer and unless there is some BLATANT reason to challenge the Will (i.e., competency issues, which it does not sound like based on the facts presented in the original post), I would let this go unfortunately. Will contests generally are very ugly.

          1. I’m not in the US, and in a country where will contests are comparatively less ugly (though of course not pleasant for anyone). Even absent competency issues you can challenge the fairness of distribution.

             1. Do successful fairness distributions ever involve taking a bequest away from the spouse and giving it to the adult children of the prior marriage? My understanding is that fairness challenges that succeed have to be egregious, such as one sibling getting $1 and the other two getting millions, or a spouse getting nothing and the estate being left to a local golf academy.

             2. I obviously don’t know the legal rules in your country, but I have a hard time believing that courts regularly alter decedent’s wishes solely on the basis of “fairness”. People are free to leave their property to whomever they choose. Your father easily could have left his assets in a trust for his second wife, with the balance passing to you and your siblings at his death. Or he could have left part of his assets to you and part to his wife. Or he could have left his entire estate to charity? Who is to say what is fair… Anyhow, I completely understand your feelings and upset, but do you really want to draw the pain out longer for everyone involved?

             3. I mean this kindly (as a non-US resident myself) but if you are not in the US then any legal advice you’re getting here is irrelevant unless we know where you are, and even then it’s unlikely we know the details of your jurisdiction’s T&E laws. Have an honest conversation with your lawyer about your chances of success, and you may want a second opinion. I’m originally from a European country where it’s hard to disinherit your children, and I can assure you that will disputes still get very ugly and expensive, but might have a higher chance of success if there are certain laws in place. The emotional advice still applies though!

          2. +1. The only people who will win here are the lawyers. The time to have had this fight was before your father remarried, in the guise of estate planning. That ship has sailed.

       2. +100000000000000000

          I work in an appellate court where we see estate issues like this from time to time. You can read the grief and emotion in the briefing sometimes, even when it is obvious the person challenging the will never had any real chance to prevail. These lawsuits take YEARS and you will have to tell the story a million times to a million different people. Every time you get any information about how the court case is proceeding, your wounds will reopen. It sounds like the chance of success is very low, so if you lose, that will be additional grief to process. Plus money! A law partner of mine used to say, “Litigation on principle is expensive.” That is so true. You will spend at least tens of thousands if it goes to court. If your father lived in an expensive city (sounds like it), it could go into the hundreds of thousands.

          I would advise passionately to go the therapy and “let it go” route. You need to heal yourself, and fighting with his widow is not the way to do that.

          1. Thank you. That’s helpful to hear.

             1. I’m going through kind of an analogous process involving a for an estate, right now, and to the point about telling people over and over what’s happened is a really good one. Even though my friends are sympathetic that we have to do this process and I’m in the right, they are tired of hearing about it, and talking about it makes me feel like a money grubber even though I am legally obligated to do the things I’m doing as part of this process.

          2. I work in a state court and my opinion is the same.

   12. This post touches a fear of mine. I am likely to be the beneficiary of a hefty inheritance once my parents pass (god willing, a long time from now). I am married with 3 children. If I die before my spouse, I wouldn’t want to leave this money to our children and freeze out my husband. But, if my husband remarries after my death and he dies before his second wife (as in this scenario), I wouldn’t want the money to go to her. What would I need to do to ensure my husband can access and use the money after I pass, but it ultimately goes to our children and not a second wife ?

       1. You see an estate lawyer and set up a will + trust. Very standard.

          1. Yeah, and don’t DIY it.

       2. trust. consult with a T&E lawyer

       3. This is easily solved with a trust. My husband and I set up trusts after seeing a similar situation as OP where a family member inherited large when his wife died. They had always talked about splitting everything among their children evenly. Then he remarried and it looks like none of the kids/grandkids will see anything notwithstanding almost all the money was from deceased wife’s parents. It was pretty jarring to see. It was easy (but not cheap) to set up trusts to make sure that our kids are never in that situation. It also means that if one of us passes away and the other one remarries, the surviving spouse doesn’t have to be the bad guy with their new spouse in setting up a prenup or wills with new spouse as things are already prewired as to our existing assets.

   13. FWIW this is why I’m not leaving my husband anything outright but in trust so that it goes to my children after he passes. He is my first husband and he has his own assets, but I have seen this thing too much. Also, my kids are minors, so will need funds for a driving nanny if I died tomorrow and then college. Nohh TH ing is a given but you can draft as best you can for known issues.

       1. I never understand this type of response. When the OP is clearly hurting over something, and a responder chimes in without advice or anything, and just talks about their own “superior” situation, when the OP can’t change anything about the situation they’re in.

          1. I just take them as a PSA for anyone else thinking about the issue.

             1. Agreed. I hope comments like these don’t upset an OP who is already upset, but one thing I love about reading here is getting random bits of wisdom/perspective from people who are older than I am, or in different stages of life than I am, or who have gone through things I haven’t gone through. File it away for later.

             2. Yes, thank you. I do too, and this is advice I needed.

          2. Omg agree. Wild flex that you’re super smug no one is challenging your estate, especially since your surviving spouse would probably have a much easier time than op here. Wilder flex that you had kids with a dude you don’t trust to use your money to take care of the kids you had together after your death.

             1. Meh. I think this is a good PSA. Most people don’t think about these things until something horrible and unexpected happens. I feel awful for OP. But silver lining is maybe one or two readers will set up trusts after seeing this post

       2. Same. I want to ensure that if I die first, my son will get something even if my husband remarries. I’ve just seen way too many of these situations and I don’t want my hard-earned investments going to someone else besides my child after I die. My husband has his own retirement accounts and if he wants to leave that money to a second wife – fine, whatever. My money will be going to my kid.

          1. This seems like a totally legitimate take. Not that husband is shifty, but that things change and you want your child to be provided for.

             1. Of all of the people that I know, 1 widow with children has remarried. And all but one widower. Just being female, I have Opinions about how this would go for me and where I want my assets to go (widower for life; the remainder to my children b/c the alternative may be a woman who gives my children nothing even from the assets I worked for).

       3. Sure, but your choice here isn’t any more or less valid than the choice made by OP’s father.

   14. I would let it go. I’m sorry this happened to you. We have a saying in my native language – when the mother dies, the father becomes a thief. It’s hard to explain in words, but this is the kind of situation they are describing.

   15. Six months ago I lost my absolutely beloved parent, and I feel you deeply about the grief. I’m so sorry. But no words that anyone can provide really help, in my experience.
       I’m a litigator although not a probate lawyer, and I recommend not challenging the will. Getting involved in the legal process stretches the pain and grief out even longer. The process is miserable. Particularly if you think the chance of winning is just not zero, I think you’re incurring a lot of pain for very little potential reward.I would spend my money on grief counseling and whatever else helps you feel better rather than legal fees.

       I’m going to use your post as a reminder to everyone to do estate planning and consider how that estate planning impacts your children. I understand OP’s dad did do estate planning and left the bulk to his second wife. When my parents did theirs, they decided a trust would be created on the death of the first spouse that contained half of their assets – their children are the beneficiaries of that trust. The other half remains with the living spouse to do with as they want, which would include leaving to a second spouse.

       1. Thank you. And I’m so sorry for your loss.

          Yeah, I’d add on the estate planning comment that it helps the survivors immensely to know the reasons behind your decisions. My dad never talked to us about the thinking behind his estate plan, and I wish we had asked.

   16. A good therapist to help you deal with your grief at the loss of your father and (sounds like) your still-unprocessed grief over the loss of your mother. You can litigate but when it’s over you’ll still have the grief and you’ll have destroyed your relationship with your stepmother, who also loved your dad. Maybe right now you’re so angry at your dad that you don’t care about losing that, but I suspect someday you’ll regret that you’ve lost the chance to have a relationship with someone who remembers and loved the person you are mourning.

   17. Oh my goodness, you have to let this go. I’m guessing you’re not a lawyer, because a lawyer will never tell you your odds are zero; there’s always some argument you can make. But if lawyers are telling you your odds aren’t good, that means you’re going to lose. And for what?

       1. This.

       2. “And for what?”

          For years of raw pain, expense, stress, and misery. OP I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I think you would do better to take even just half of what the monetary cost of contesting the will would be and take care of yourself with therapy, regular yoga classes or massage if you like them, bucket list trip, etc., but especially the therapy.

          Much as someone else noted, “not zero” is lawyer speak for you don’t have a chance in hell of prevailing but if you want to pay me to get revenge on this person by tying up the estate for years I’m game. There’s nothing positive in this for you.

   18. I am sorry you have to deal with this additional sadness on top of losing your dad. Something similar happened to my husband, and it was more difficult for him when his step-mother passed and the estate passed to her cousin. Fortunately, he had decided to let it go as this was happening, as he realized he didn’t want to take care of his elderly step-mother and this was a no-win battle. (My husband was an adult when his dad remarried, never lived with this woman, and didn’t speak her preferred language.)

       Because of this, my estate is in a trust to take care of my husband until he dies, and then is distributed to my family. I urge everyone to make sure their will is set up by an attorney to make sure your assets are distributed exactly as you want, even though this means grappling with some unpleasant scenarios.

   19. I’m sorry. It can be very hard when a parent remarries. When my father remarried it felt like he didn’t consider that different people in the family have different relationships with each other. (For example, I wanted his advice on a difficult personal situation and he ran the whole thing by his new wife, a woman I had met a handful of times.) It was a great example of what is sometimes called the transitive relationship error: believing that if I feel great affection and trust for both A and B, then A and B must feel the same affection and trust towards each other. I wonder if some of that is at play here. I’m sure your father loved you and your siblings and he may not have questioned that you had the same relationship with his wife.

   20. I’m sorry for your loss.

       The lawyer in me is confused. It seems like your mother left everything to your dad who left it all to his second wife. Are you genuinely unsure whether he meant to do that or are you just trying to get money that he didn’t want you to have? That’s a question I’d try to answer in my heart before pursuing litigation.

   21. How long has your dad been married to his second wife? Do you know what happens to the assets when second wife dies?

       These things are really complicated. In my husband’s family, his mother is the second wife. Their assets are set up so that if FIL does first, it all goes to MIL. When MIL does, whatever is left of FIL and MIL’s joint estate gets split between DH and his half sister. MIL has her own assets that are held separately that for only to DH when she dies.

       1. Be aware that once MIL is in possession of the assets, she can change her will so that distribution plan may not be there when she dies.

          1. Right exactly. Or she may simply exhaust the assets. It’s weird to me that people that people don’t think if this.

   22. Ugh. I feel your pain.

       Sadly, I agree with others that you need to let it go. For your sanity. It sounds like it would also be very difficult, and expensive, to try to fight this from overseas.

       I would reach out to your MIL if there are personal items that are meaningful to you, and be as kind as you can.

       My mother worked in Big Law for years and investing in the stock market on her own, and did very well. My father made much less, but both of my parents were very frugal and saved everything. They had a rocky marriage, and had some years of separation in the middle. My father had a long lasting affair, and my mother was devastated. They reconciled late in life, for no clear reasons other than loneliness.

       They put off making a will, until my Mom discovered a benefit at her firm was essentially free legal assistance for putting together a will/trust, which they started to do. They were planning to do exactly what is recommended here for all of us – set up a trust where if one parent dies, the $ goes to the surviving parent, and then to the kids of the first marriage if the surviving partner remarries and then passes. I wonder if my mother had imagined that if she died, my father would quickly remarry, which is honestly what happens to most widowers. Less to to most widows.

       Well, the final draft of the will/trust was never approved and signed. Father had sudden severe illness and almost died at 65. That made us start to realize how fragile life can be once you are over the age of 60, and was the first time I even wondered about their financial planning. But barely before my father recovered, my previously healthy mother was struck with advanced cancer and died quickly. No will/trust. But pretty much all went to Dad, no problem, as State laws guided.

       Well, Dad called up his old girlfriend, and within a few months she was back living in my parents’ house where I grew up, and my Dad was talking about marriage. I could only imagine that my poor mother was turning in her grave, not only because the prior affair partner was now living in her house using all of her personal items, and because my father made it clear what he wanted in his life and that new wife (who was much younger) would inherit everything. We kids didn’t say a word. It was his right. It was his life.

       People surprise you later in life.
       Make a will/trust.

       1. OMG. I am really sorry about all that.

   23. Would it be possible — and would it make you feel any better — to work with stepmother toward using some of the money he left to her to make a donation in his name to someplace other than their religion? Like maybe a bench/gazebo in your hometown park? Or a scholarship at his alma mater?

   24. You have to let it go. It’s gone already.

   25. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think you should save the money you would spend on a lawyer and use it to help you move home.

   26. I’m the second wife in this scenario and I just won a 3 year will contest initiated by his kids. When I say “won,” I mean I financially broke even because my legal bills were 6 figures. The kids are out a lot of money. The whole thing sucked.

   27. Your mother could have chosen to leave some of her assets to you and she did not. Your father did not disinherit you. I have a friend who is the second wife and she is being hounded by her deceased’s husbands grown children as we speak. It is just not nice.

9. I’m feeling overwhelmed about my work/life balance. I am working on some outsourcing, but who can I talk to about this? I’m not against therapy, but that doesn’t quite seem to be the right choice here. I guess I need a mentor? A life coach? I can’t productively talk to my mom because she says “just quit your job” and that’s not a solution. I need someone who can both listen and offer sound advice.

   1. You just need a good girlfriend to talk it out with who’s in the “just let that ball drop” camp. What are you struggling with? My balance gets fine when I just let go of things (takeout or scrambled eggs is a fine dinner, the kids aren’t playing club soccer, the housecleaner comes weekly, etc.). It’s a combination of throwing money at things and deciding what to care about.

   2. Do you belong to any professional associations? I find that women’s networking groups tend to be very supportive of each other. It’s helpful to hear what other people are outsourcing and it’s even more helpful if they’re local and can refer you to their cleaning service, lawn care, backup nanny, etc.

   3. I think it depends on what you’re struggling with and what you’re looking for (venting, a way to figure out to make it all work, permission to let some things go?). I think I’d start with friends and go from there.

   4. I actually think therapy could help here. A good therapist can help you basically talk to YOURSELF – talk about your priorities, why you’re feeling there’s no balance, what’s actually important to you, what you can drop or supplement.

   5. Could you share more about what your challenges are? If you are just really busy and need help with logistics, I would recommend a set of resources. If it’s that your job has unreasonable expectations that won’t change I would recommend something different. If you have trouble setting boundaries generally I might say something different.

      1. +1

         Hard to give advice without knowing what the issue is

      2. I have three young kids who are sick a lot, I recently went back to work. While I enjoy the work, the expectations are unrealistic (a fact I have brought up multiple times with my boss) – they expect me to do the work of multiple people. AND I have a hard time setting boundaries. I have already dropped the ball: we’re eating takeout, my house is a disaster, we’re skipping kid activities, I’m not working out. I’m in a two week crunch time and today they asked me to work weekends. I agreed (see: bad at boundaries) but immediately after I decided that’s bull and I will put in a couple hours while my kids nap, but no more than that. My husband has been supportive, but he’s tired of being default child care and I don’t blame him (my kids are in day care full time and we’re looking for a nanny but that’s a whole other post). What I want is some advice on how to keep this from happening over and over. Once this project is done I plan to have a frank conversation with my boss, and I don’t plan to take on another project like this one. But it seems like my whole career has been like this.

         1. I think you’ve said multiple times in this post that the problem is your own boundaries. It’s not necessarily just a work/life balance issue. It’s a grow a spine issue. Sorry for the tough love, and this is said with love – I have been there.

         2. I am in a different personal situation (one infant, husband in a long hours job) but I did a lot of work on setting better boundaries over the past few years due to various life events. Some stuff that helped me:

            1. I try to make my boundaries invisible most of the time. Your work weekend example is perfect. If my boss asks me to work weekends, I would say something like “I will make sure the work gets done,” designate a few hours I’m willing to work over the weekend, and get the work done in that block (or delegate). I don’t work all weekend on it.

            2. I highlight how busy I am on high priority work. This makes others less likely to ask me with low priority work because they (a) know what I’m busy on and (b) think I’m busy generally. So if someone asks how my week is going I’ll say “Oh, I’m tacking X, working with Jane on it, we’re getting great results but we’re doing a big push to finish it this week” or whatever it is I’m working on.

            3. I reserve hard boundaries for after hours stuff. Like last night someone emailed me at 6pm and wanted me to turn something around immediately. They had been working on it for over a week. I told them flat out that they should have looped me in earlier given that they had a week, that I didn’t have childcare and since they waited until so last minute I couldn’t arrange for any, and that I would take care of it today. They were fine with that.

            4. I build in a lot of buffer time on projects.

            5. If there are types of requests that are recurring, I set “SLAs’ with the other people. So if someone asks me to review the same type of contract over and over, I say you need to loop me in at this stage in the process, I will provide comments in 3 days, I will review any further changes within 1 day, etc. I agree on a reasonable process with them and hold them to it – I never send something back too early (sets an expectation that they can ask for rush requests) and if they don’t follow the timeline I laid out I do not rush to get it done due to their poor planning.

            6. I minimize meetings ruthlessly. If someone wants a call that should be an email, I send an email with my thoughts and let them know they can cancel the meeting. If someone wants a call but doesn’t send an agenda, I follow up and ask for the agenda/any required materials, and post-pone the call until they send them. If someone wants to work through a document live, I add the document to something we can all edit and suggest we add our comments asynchronously. I I audit my calendar once a month to eliminate unnecessary recurring meetings/shift my schedule/etc.

            For what it’s worth, I have been promoted twice since setting these boundaries. In my prior work life, I did not set boundaries and I was regularly passed over promotions because I was over stretched and not able to do high quality work on every project (only some projects). These boundaries freed up my capacity to do better on the work I should be doing.

            1. I do a lot of these exact same things and also regularly get promoted and praised. I am the queen of underpromise overdeliver. Nothing I do is an actual emergency (I do not save lives) and I treat it accordingly.

         3. Depending on the age of your kids, this could just be stage of life stress that will lesson once they get out of the sick all the time younger school age. You may need to find a neighborhood helper who can assist with daycare, if you can afford it, when one of the kids can’t go to school

         4. I think you need a new job.

   6. How much money are you willing to throw at the problem? There a personal concierges in most cities that can handle your random honey-do lists. Otherwise, are there any women that are about 10-15 years your senior that you trust and could talk to about how to balance it? They would know the local resources that you can reach out to in your area. For example one of these conversations led me to learn that in my area there is a hole in the wall place that makes excellent new-to-me leftovers that you can put in your own dishes to have the appearance of actually cooking and not necessarily healthy meal prep. Definitely a word of mouth place.

   7. Honestly I went through this and came out the other side. The good news is it’s possible, the bad news is other people aren’t great at doing it for you. (In my experience.) You have to spend time sitting alone just taking stock and then reprioritizing. I can give you what worked the best for me : prioritizing sleep, exercise and socializing with adults in that order.

      1. Thank you.

         1. Hugs and good luck.

   8. I am in a text chain with some acquaintances who are similarly situated to me (babies around the same age, demanding jobs, live in large cities). A friend coordinated it among her friends, so some of them are like friends of friends. And we talk about mom stuff but also job stuff, work like balance, etc. It’s very valuable to me and really helpful to get tactical advice on how to deal with work/life balance.

      I don’t know what your personal situation is, but maybe you have some similarly situated friends (who may or may not know each other) that you could coordinate a little text chain or group for.

      I also think therapy is helpful for this. My therapist helped me let things go, figure out boundaries, etc.

   9. https://www.nicolataggart.com/

      A coach can be very helpful at talking through this kind of stuff.

10. Recommendations for an excellent tailor in the Philly area? Ideally downtown but I’ll go to the burbs for the right person. Looking for someone who might be able to size down a gorgeous vintage blazer – I know that’s a hard ask, but I want to explore all possibilities before giving up on it.

    1. following with interest. I used to LOVE Master Tailor at 16th & Spruce but they sold the business a few years ago and idk if the buyers are as good.

    2. Courtney Alston of Prim and Perverse. I used her for my wedding dress, but I know she also does a lot of vintage restoration work. She did a fantastic job.

11. Are there any accurate sources of information about local COVID transmission in the US? I have been on the cautious end, eg, I don’t indoor dine unless it is a work function, and I mask when I fly and shop indoors. Everytime I think of loosening up further, I hear of someone who has COVID. My precious sources for transmission info (NYT and my local county public health office) aren’t reporting incidents/transmission anymore.

    1. I think wastewater is probably the best source? Testing is so minimal now that I don’t think it tells us much. The only people who are responsible enough to test are using home tests, and those aren’t reported.
       Anecdotally, I have been similar, loosened up recently and did some indoor dining…and almost immediately got Covid . Fortunately extremely mild. But it’s definitely still out there, and I think us formerly “NoVids” are the most vulnerable because we don’t have the baseline immunity from having it before. I know two other people who had it for the first time this month also.

       1. Same with Dr Bob Wachter. Lots of people have been following his Twitter for safety info. He loosened up his precautions and got COVID. He then had an accident/fall due to having a fever but he’s not really saying that’s a COVID thing, more that he knew he should have been more careful while fevered.

          1. Yeah, his story is insane. I saw it this morning. It is exactly the reason I didn’t shower the entire time I had Covid last month. I was also a Novid. I was alone in a hotel room isolating from my family and was afraid I would pass out in the shower

          2. Yeah, I saw his story too! I think we had similar attitudes toward Covid precautions and tested positive right around the same time. It’s crazy that he got so hurt from the fall in the shower – hope he’ll be ok.

    2. What does it matter if you hear of someone getting it? Did you take all these precautions before Covid when other respiratory viruses were rampant?

       1. Difference is possibility of long COVID/permanent disability.

          1. This was still a risk with other diseases pre-Covid too.

             1. Much different level of risk. That’s like saying driving a car and playing Russian roulette can both kill you. Technically a true statement, but the risk is very different.

             2. Don’t be silly; other respiratory viruses were much easier to avoid with fewer precautions, and they carried a lower risk of long term complications as well.

    3. I don’t think this is being tracked anymore.

       1. Yeah, I’m pretty sure my health department doesn’t even track it anymore. Especially since most people are only testing with at-home tests and thus those results are unlikely to be shared with the health department.

          1. You also can’t even get a free test anymore in most places. I have Covid now, and I wanted an official test, both so I would have a record for myself if I have any future complications and also so it would be reported in state numbers, but there was no option to get a test unless I paid $200 for a Walgreens one. I declined.

             1. I’m so sorry. We can all look forward tol later this year when the federally pre-purchased Paxlovid and vaccines supplies run dry and all the parts of the country that failed to expand Medicaid and/or that allow “short term insurance” (aka insurance that doesn’t cover anything) end up with lots of unprotected and untreated people – and possibly more people who then need disability help.

             2. I had COVID in May and for some reason my pharmacy filled my Paxlovid prescription twice. My husband innocently went to pick up prescriptions and the second fill was included.

                I’m hoarding it!

    4. I watched the final UCSF COVID Grand Rounds last week. The four experts said they are now watching wastewater trends (note: trends, not absolute). I will post the links in replies.

       1. Final COVID Grand Rounds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3pjp4jf208

          Bob Wachter’s Twitter feed is especially good for COVID data and how to use them in daily choices.

          Katelyn Jetelina’s website/newsletter Your Local Epidemiologist is similarly great.

          CDC wastewater data (scroll down to the map, select your state/county, and check the box for percent change in last 15 days to see the trend): https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#wastewater-surveillance

          This wastewater source is also good (select your state/county in the box on the left – note when looking at the line graph that you can adjust the time period just below the graph): https://data.wastewaterscan.org/tracker/?charts=CjEQACABSABSBjJlMDdlNlIGNjI5MjJmUgYxMTA3YjZaBk4gR2VuZXgvigEGNGUyNjM4&selectedChartId=4e2638

          Signed, “How can I follow your advice to take more precautions when transmission is higher in my area when you aren’t showing me any data?!”

          1. See above, Bob Wachter got COVID right after this!

             1. I know! Can you believe it? It seems that he did not get it at work (no COVID patients the week or so before and he wears a KN95 at work). I’m guessing indoor dining based on what info he has made public.

       2. I forgot this one (choose view = test positivity and metric = either absolute or change since last week) (you can also click on your region for a pop-up with more data , including test volume – when both test volume and test positivity rise, you know more people are sick enough to get a PCR test and more of them are positive): https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#maps_positivity-week

    5. The CDC still has data available, of which the wastewater and hospitalization data might be most useful. https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#wastewater-surveillance
       I’m in NYC and the City and State are also still positing data here.

    6. Why do you care? Are you vaccinated? Live your life.

       1. Vaccines neither work for everyone nor protect against every outcome that people can be high risk for; this is not hard to understand.

    7. I’ve been checking wastewater surveillance data using biobot.

       I’m not loosening up further yet. There’s a lot of encouraging research happening (on how to detect and remove COVID from indoor air, on potentially more effective booster modalities, on treatments). But none of this is available yet (and for those of us who can’t rely on vaccine protection, the new Evusheld replacement Supernova isn’t out yet either).

       For those of us who are vaccinated and genuinely haven’t had COVID, one thing that has bothered me a little about the booster schedule was the assumption that one dose of a Omicron booster would be enough since “most Americans” have already had COVID. This reasoning made me wonder if we should even consider ourselves fully vaccinated and boosted until we’ve had two doses of an Omicron targeting vaccine?

       On the other hand, it’s not just people who haven’t had it before catching it recently; in my world a lot of people are just getting it again.

       1. Omg. Yes. You’re fully vaccinated.

          1. Well in bureaucratic terms, sure. But the explicit reasoning for going with one dose rather two dose was prior Omicron exposure, so naturally I wondered what that meant for people without prior Omicron exposure.

       2. I had two doses of the Bivalent/Omicron targeting vaccine, my second in early May, and I got covid in late May. I was really glad I got it – I qualified because I am moderately immunocompromised due to RA treatment, but they seriously didn’t ask me any questions. I just pulled up to CVS and they were happy to inject me, no questions asked!

          I do think/hope it kept my symptoms mild. I never felt like I had to go to the hospital or couldn’t breathe. I still wish I hadn’t caught it because it was quite disruptive – isolating within the house was a major PITA for all of us, as we didn’t all get it the same day, and more importantly, I lost a week + of work because I was just not able to do it.

       3. I think booster recency matters. Older people can get it frequently (every 3 months?) but it seems like the rest of us are going to be limited to annual boosters, which isn’t going to be enough for more people.

          I just had Covid for the first time. I’ve had 6 shots but my most recent was in October 2022. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first time I went more than 6 months without a shot is when I finally got it.

          1. Interesting. I’ve been wondering why wastewater is slowly headed up when there’s not a new variant going around, but maybe it’s just time passing since people’s last immunity boost!

12. My boyfriend’s parents are taking us to France this fall. Obviously I will be treating everyone to an amazing dinner in Paris (recommendations welcome!) but also want to do something else to express my gratitude at their generosity. Any ideas? They like art, travel, good food …. I’m sure a lot of things fit the bill but I want to do somethIng special.

    1. I think treating everyone to a great dinner in Paris (and verbally expressing thanks) is perfect and more than sufficient.

    2. Two ideas. If you live in a different city from them, it can be very nice to give them something special from your city. Like if you have a famous restaurant or coffee roaster or whatever.

       My other idea is to get them something on the trip and surprise them with it after. If they like art, maybe a small piece that’s beautiful. Or if they particularly loved the coffee at a special place, you could get some of that. Etc.

    3. Keep it trip-related, I think. Either spring for an excursion/private tour guide during the trip or secretly purchase a lovely memento from the trip for them.I think a gift following the trip but not directly related would feel too much like “payback.” Perhaps a follow-up French dinner after your return, at home or out, where you reminisce about the trip or share your photos, would be nice

    4. Send them a proper thank you card after the trip. The card will be more meaningful that whatever present you buy.
       And, if there is a trinket or something that you noticed they liked but didn’t buy because of space to bring back, buy it for them.

       1. This. I’d treat everyone to a very nice dinner and then get them a souvenir from something you did on the trip.

    5. This. I’d treat everyone to a very nice dinner and then get them a souvenir from something you did on the trip.

    6. If it was my family, there’s no way my parents would let you buy dinner for everyone. I’d do a few smaller things like getting up early and get croissants for everyone for breakfast. And send flowers and a thank you note when you get home.

       1. Even if paying for dinner would fly in OP’s family, I think surprising people with breakfast is extra special. We did a trip to the Gulf Shores a few years ago and my mother in law really wanted to try beignets, but every time we remembered she wanted to do that, it was evening and the bakeries were closed. So my husband and I snuck out one morning and brought home fresh ones. You’d have thought we hung the moon – and it literally cost us $15 and one day of sleeping in. I say why not both!

    7. I also think dinner is enough. What’s your budget? What kind of food do they like? That might help you get recommendations. If you really want another gift, you can also get them some kind of meaningful souvenir – a beautiful art print or coffee table book from their favorite museum? Something that they can keep in their home to remember this special trip together. Another idea, if it’s your thing, is to plan a family photoshoot – we are doing this on our next trip to Paris to commemorate the occasion!

       1. A photo shoot is awkward when you’re the girlfriend and not the wife – do you step out of photos so they have one of them in case you break up?

    8. Are his parents the types that want to plan everything themselves (in terms of activities) or is there wiggle room for you to plan a morning or afternoon activity? If so, could you secretly plan a fun cooking class or private museum tour for them to enjoy as a mini-date, while you and your boyfriend do something else? Or, do it all together if that’s what they’d prefer? Just a thought. Of course your bf would need to alert them that you are planning something so that they don’t double book the time.

       1. based on recommendation I got from the rettes:

          PARIS BY MOUTH. an awesome experience, trip related, sounds up their alley, and amps up your trip. it was an incredible tour/experience and THANK YOU to everyone on this board who recommended it.

          1. +1 to Paris by Mouth

             1. We did Paris by Mouth on a Paris trip in early 2020, right before the pandemic, and it was MAGNIFICENT.

    9. I don’t think a material/expensive gift is the right move here – they’re treating you so they obviously have plenty of means. A sincere thank-you, offering to pay for dinner one night, and going with the flow on the trip and being kind to their son is all that is called for. And honestly, this is your boyfriend’s family, so it’s on him to figure out how to thank his parents, if at all. He owns that relationship; establish this now before you’re one of the posters on here in 15 years complaining that your mother-in-law expects you to buy her birthday gift. :)

    10. I’d make a nice photo book of the trip for them.

        1. +1

           I agree with taking them out to the nice dinner in Paris. Then I would send a very nice thank you card, with a handwritten note reviewing some of your favorite memories. And I would take a bunch of pictures and put together a small photo book using Shutterfly or something and give it to them. And make a copy for myself!

           1. +1
              My MIL has treated us to a few trips (we always paid for airfare, and she generously treated us to the rest). What I’ve learned over time is that she wants the treat to be part of our ongoing relationship. She refuses to let us take her out for a meal, so we end up sending her photos of us all on the trip or little clips of the trip, or buy a small souvenir or token at a museum gift shop. I now view this in the light that If I were to treat a niece or nephew, I would want them to appreciate the time spent together, and I would hope that they still wanted to connect with me beyond in some way. My Sil and BIL have also been treated to trips, including more help, since they have a child. My MIL complains that my sil will share the odd photo here and then, and then it’s radio silence. I think even if someone has the means to treat you, the effort and gesture still shows generosity.

    11. Thanks all for these great ideas! They are mid 70s and his mom is a veteran traveler, his dad a bit more reluctantly so but getting more adventurous since retiring. He’s more of a meat and potatoes sort and she’s always willing to try something new. Once I know exactly where in Paris figure out we are staying I will post with more specificity for restaurant thoughts.

        My boyfriend did a similar trip just with his mom a few years ago. I know she loves museums and churches and she had a perfume made for herself on that trip. A cooking class would definitely be fun for her, maybe not as much for his dad, but he would also welcome the downtime.

        I really just want to do something thoughtful and express my appreciation and am loving the ideas.

        1. My 70-something husband LOVED the cheese tasting class put on by Paris by Mouth.

        2. My favorite restaurant in Paris is Chez Monsieur. Mr Meat and Potatoes will find something he can eat there.

           1. https://www.chezmonsieur.fr/

    12. I’m the parent in this situation and would appreciate a thoughtful note and pictures of the four of us at different places during the trip. Maybe even postcards you and my son sent to us during the trip “today we all were at the Louvre, and we are having so much fun with you” that arrive once we’re back home.

        1. Oh, that’s an adorable idea.

           1. Postcard OP here – Thank you. I thought of it all by myself. If any of you marries my stepson and does this, I will be in pig heaven.

           2. Awesome idea!!

        2. TouchNote has a pretty good system for making photos into postcards. Might be fun to do with some pictures while you are on the trip.

        3. Oh, this is the best idea!!! I am using this for sure when I can!

    13. The very best gift would be to take family photos along the way, and when you are home, send them a beautiful framed photo with a heartfelt note about how special the trip was. This is the winner gift.

        1. Agreed.

    14. Thank you all again!

13. I really wish Sephora had skin cleanser sets with sample sizes of a bunch of different brands. My holy grail cleanser, Hylamide High Efficiency, was discontinued and I can’t find anything I like as much. So far I’ve tried Niod low viscosity cleansing ester (thought this might be a Hylamide dupe but it’s terrible), the Ordinary squalane, First Aid Beauty, Kiehl’s, and a Burt’s Bees cleaning oil. I loved the Hylamide because it was sort of a hybrid of an oil/water hybrid and it really reduced the extremes of my combination skin. Now my t zone is getting more oily and my dry spots are getting a little patchy. Anyone have suggestions for what cleanser I should try next?

    1. I swear by bioderma micellar water. It’s all I use to cleanse my face and amazing.

       1. this times ten

    2. This is what I would do if my fav product would be discontinued: I would check the main ingredients on INCI decoder and look for them in a new product.
       My personal cleansing favorites are:
       *Shiseido Perfect Cleansing Oil – as a first cleanse, followed by second cleanse [wash gel or micellar water]
       *Cerave Foaming Cleanser – doesn’t dry out or irritate sensitive, acne-prone skin
       *Bioderma Sensibio Micellar Water – doesn’t dry out or irritate my skin and 80% of days, this is my only cleanser. It removes all make-up perfectly.
       If you like cleansing oils, I would try Beauty of Joseon Ginseng Cleansing oil or Purito From Green cleansing oil. I have been using SPF creams from both brands and have 100% trust in their cosmetic-formulation skills. I haven’t tried them myself, as Bioderma micellar water and/or Cerave foaming cleanser are just enough for me.

    3. Japanfusion cleanser from Beauty Pie. You can do a free 30 day membership and try it at member prices. It’s a great cleanser.

    4. I do a double cleanse with Banila Clean It Zero and then iSClinical Cleansing Complex. The iSClinical is pricey, but it is the best cleanser I’ve ever used … gentle, effective and doesn’t dry out my skin. Both come in small travel sizes if you want to try them out, but not at Sephora.

    5. Not what you asked, but it looks like there are a few left in stock on Am@zon. You could buy them out and delay this issue for a while?
       Otherwise – I’m a drugstore girl and I like the e.l.f. Holy Hydration cleansing balm (blue jar). I have combo skin and it doesn’t break me out. However I also follow with a gentle water-based cleanser – if you’re looking for an all-in-one this might now work.

       1. Oh I hadn’t even thought to check Amazon! I get nervous about fakes on there, but I’m going to try it this time!

    6. Thank you for all the suggestions! Just ordered the bioderma micellular water to try next, and making a list of the other suggestions in case that isn’t the one.

    7. I like cleansing balms, they keep my skin happy. Foams just dry me out, and while I love miscellar water as a makeup remover, I need something more.

       If you have the budget, Emma Hardie Moringa balm is lovely, at the other end Banila (pink) works well.

14. I’m looking for 30-45 minute full body dumbell / bodyweight / other light equipment (bands, sliders, etc., but not barbells) full body strength workouts I can do at home or a basic gym.

    I just (very sadly) left my gym which had this amazing strength class I went to 3x a week. The gym was next to my old office, but I just got a new job and therefore left the gym.

    I want the program written out, not a video. I’m happy to pay for something. The format of my class was warmup, then an upper body set (3 exercises done for 45 seconds, repeated 3 times), lower body set, and core set (both following the format of the upper body set). Many of the exercises were compound movements. Obviously I’d want something with plenty of options (I don’t want to do the same routine every day). I’m also happy to design something myself (if there’s just a repository of moves or exercises that fit this).

    I put on about 10 lbs of muscle doing this class over 8 months, I definitely feel and look stronger as a result. I want to keep my progress up!

    1. Okay I know you don’t want a video, but Caroline Girvan’s Iron series is pretty much exactly what you’re looking for. Six weeks of daily workouts, free on YouTube. The exercises are listed out in the description, so if you just want the workout it’s easy enough to copy and paste into your notes app or wherever.

       1. Oh, if I can copy and paste the workout that’s fine. I just don’t care for following videos.

    2. I would approach the teacher of your beloved class and ask what they would charge to do this for you. It would likely be writing down the options from several classes, so not reinventing the wheel.

       1. +1

          This is what I would do!

       2. Thanks! Ill try to find a way to get in touch with her.

    3. Some bloggers will post this kind of stuff. Check out Peanut Butter Runner, pbfingers, hungryhobby. Their workout pages may have what you may want.

       1. Thanks! Am not familiar with many fitness bloggers, so will look into these!

    4. The Sweat app workouts are just a list of exercises and times, not a video.

       1. Good to know, I will look into the app!

    5. Check out Mark Breedon – google or find at training.strong.women on IG. I’m working through an at-home program he put together that meets all of your criteria and I’ve been super happy with it!

       1. Thank you!!

    6. I’ve been using the Sweat app for years and like it a lot. It’s not videos, but essentially GIFs of the trainer doing the exercise, and it’s timed (or by reps, depending on the program). You hear the trainers voice at the beginning of each exercise (e.g. “bicep curls, 12 reps”) but otherwise can play your own music/podcast at the same time as you’re in the app. You can also see the full workout listed before you start (so you could just work off of that, if you prefer). They have multiple trainers, and tons of different programs.

    7. I know you said no video, but I can highly recommend Les Mills – BodyPump and Strength Development programs. You could copy&paste the moves from the descriptions.
       You may also check Pauline Nordin, she has some book resources & plans available on her site. I do her retro upper & lower-body workout available on Youtube [called #utt Bible Lower body Level 3 and Upper body Level 3]. I don’t watch the videos, but I wrote the moves down and do them with my own tempo/reps/music. Her online resources are professional and for serious results. The videos on YT are effective but different style.

       1. This sounded exactly like Les Mills BodyPump to me when I read her description!

          1. It’s not Les Mills. I previously took BodyPump at a different former gym, and this class is definitely different, though I see the similarities. I have found this class to give me much better results than Les Mills (and I prefer dumbbells over the barbells!).

15. For the runners / triathletes / whatever of the group. When you’re concurrently training for multiple races, how do you build your workout plan?

    I have a mid-August sprint tri, an October 25k trail race and a November road half that I’m training for. I also try for a few strength sessions and 1 yoga session a week (this will serve as my XT once I’m done training for the tri), in addition to one rest day. I like some flexibility if a friend wants to go for a hike or my mom wants to play tennis one day.

    I’ve done tris, shorter trail races and road halfs before, so I’m not new to any of these events, I’m just trying to find the best way to train for them all!

    1. If this was my schedule, I’d train for the sprint but make my long runs longer than I normally would. Once that is done, you’ll have a good base to switch to training for the trail race. Drop a swim or a bike out of your schedule and replace with a run, hills if you aren’t already doing them. Between the trail race and the road you won’t need to do much different. For me I’d think it’d be more mental to keep at it and not just coast until November!

    2. I would pretty much just train for the trail run/HM since that training should be similar. The swim and the bike on a sprint is nominal. So follow whatever you would normally do for run training. Throw in swim and bike as your cross training when it works out.

       1. The bike is the longest part of a sprint tri & definitely not nominal. I’d spend my time up until August making my long workouts cycling workouts and keep a run base of around 20 miles/week. You’ll build up your cardiovascular engine but not beat up your legs too much. Once the triathlon is done, start building your run mileage. August to October is plenty of time to build up to 25k (around 3 hrs time on your feet). Keep cycling as a cross-training activity.
          The half won’t need any specific training, provided you finish the 25k feeling good.

16. I only WFH 1-2 days a week (2 weeks a month it’s 2 days, 2 weeks a month it’s 1 day). On my WFH days I really struggle with getting up and getting started, I end up being a slug all day.

    On my in-office days I get up at 5:30 to workout, so I do like being able to sleep in on WFH days. I don’t often get to sleep in on weekends either, so I struggle with the idea of getting up early on a WFH day just to feel productive. However, I often end up working on my couch without having done my full AM routine until 11 AM or later and I don’t like that either. I need some sort of easy, quick routine to get me ready for work, but I don’t know what that is.

    I never was WFH from 2020-2022, so I missed out on that time when everyone was figuring out their WFH life.

    1. There’s so much in between 5:30 and 11? What are you actually doing? Try setting an alarm for 8, and committing to sitting down to work by 9

       1. I only get up at 5:30 on days where I go to the gym and the office.

    2. I use that time to actually be productive. Throw in a load of laundry, run to the drug store, pre-cut vegetables for dinner, etc. If I’m going to aimlessly sit around I feel no rush to get up and ready. If I have goals for my morning free time then I’m motivated to get moving. Evening Me appreciates that my chores are out of the way.

       1. My issue is more that I sleep in til 8:30, wake up tired and eventually drag myself out of bed just in time to start work.

          I also neither have a desk nor a dining table, so I work on my couch. Apartment is small and since I work from home infrequently, finding space for a desk or something isn’t ideal. Yes, I also eat all of my meals on my couch.

          I also usually have VERY light days when I wfh (which I don’t like, I’m so bored at my job) so I have plenty of time while WFH to do laundry, chop veggies, whatever. But, I struggle to get myself stated with that before 11ish too.

          1. Sounds like you need to find a way to get more sleep. Generally, not just on the WFH days.

             1. I get 8-9 hours a night! Even with waking up early to workout. For whatever reason, I can wake up at 5:30 and feel fine but wake up between 7:30-8:30 and feel like a truck hit me.

             2. Try to stay on the same sleep schedule and not shift your sleep later on the WFH days.

             3. While I get that that works in theory, I don’t want to have to go to bed at 9ish on weekends. I’m 28 and that just does not jive with my social life

             4. I’m confused – I’m not talking about weekends. I’m talking about WFH days. Why can’t you wake up at the same time every day M-F?

             5. I get up at the same time whether I am WFH or going to the office, just that on WFH days I have longer to putter with my coffee. Why not get up at the same time if you feel better doing than than sleeping in?

    3. For me showering before I start work is paramount. Even if I’m working out later in the day, I need to start with a shower on WFH days. It literally forces me to get changed into clothes!

    4. Exercise, even if it is a brisk walk outside or a short yoga video at home.

    5. A – do you just want to go into office more? Working on couch sucks. B – I like the accountability of a meeting at the start of my wfh days (even if it’s virtual coffee with a colleague in another office). It gets me going.

17. At couples therapy later today, I have to bring up caring for our dog properly. I know our therapist is going to take my husband’s side and say ‘wHo S@yS WhAt iS pR0p3r?!?’. As if animal neglect is okay and my expectations of daily walks and medicine compliance are unreasonable and not supported by all veterinary science on the matter. Ugh

    1. If your therapist is taking your husbands side without understanding the facts, it’s time for a new therapist.

       If your husband needs convincing that dogs need daily exercise and to be compliant in their medicine, then that’s a huge red flag!

       1. Yes it’s a recurring issue, she always always always plays contrarian and declares ‘who decided X is the right way?’ even for things that are objectively settled through science like the importance of complying with daily f*cking medicine.

          Once I was complaining about paying the bills on time, we have the money, hubs is simply lazy and doesn’t trust auto pay, so we often get dinged with late fees. But noooooo I’m in the wrong for expecting he either pay the bills properly or hand over the responsibility to me.

          1. Honestly it sounds like it’s time for a new therapist.

             1. +1

             2. Def get a new therapist. She sounds awful

             3. +1. Regardless of whether this person is a good therapist, she doesn’t sound like a good therapist for you. I think you’ve developed distain for her. You and your husband won’t make progress in couples therapy with this situation; you’re wasting time and money at this point. New therapist for sure.

             4. + a million. This therapist sounds like one I had that told me that I wasn’t ‘positive’ enough when talking about my chronic health issues. I a m all in favor of therapy but not all therapists are good ones!

             5. +1, from a couples therapist. This person doesn’t sound trained in any couples therapy approach I’m aware of. Going to school and getting a license to be a therapist doesn’t necessarilly prepare you to work with couples. If you do end up looking for a new person, I would recommend somebody trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or at the PACT Institute.

    2. Is it a long term issue? Big picture, dogs need a daily walk, but in a short term situation (like one parent flying solo with little kids and dog while the other parent travels for work) it’s absolutely ok to skip a walk or two and just have the dog do their business in the yard. I have done this with the full support of our vet.

       1. This is such a good point to clarify.

       2. This presupposes someone has a dog and a yard. Also, if you have a high energy breed, skipping a walk can mean destruction inside your house. Walks are not only about doing business–they’re about mental / nose stimulation, which is most of a dog’s world.

          1. Huh? If you don’t have a dog, you don’t have this issue. And yes, not everyone has a yard, so not everyone can advantage of that, but I was merely questioning the assumption that a dog must have a nice long walk EVERY DAY OF ITS LIFE. That is not true, per my vet. I am a responsible pet owner and my dog has missed walks due to us being sick or solo parenting or dealing with a death in the family or other short-term circumstances like that. You shouldn’t adopt a dog if you can’t make daily walking part of your normal routine, but life circumstances cause us all to deviate from normal routines on occasion and it’s not the end of the world.

             1. Yeah, exactly this.

    3. There’s no way to communicate your way out of someone who is being unfair and no way to safely compromise on some fronts, and therapy is all about communicating and compromising (this is why therapy with an abusive spouse just gives the abusive spouse new tools to abuse).

       Sounds like discussing spouse taking on more dog things at therapy is 100% not going to be productive. What do you need instead? Can you volunteer to do all the dog things? Can you hire a dogwalker who you can ask to also do med things? What do you need from spouse to do so that you can manage all the dog things?

    4. Avoid using subjective terms like “properly” and instead describe the actions you want, like you did in your last sentence. Your therapist sounds obnoxious, she should be coaching you on how to communicate so your husband doesn’t feel like you’ve designated yourself as the sole arbiter of what’s right or wrong – she shouldn’t be reinforcing that he’s right to feel that way.

       1. This is good advice.

       2. Even when I don’t use terms like ‘properly’ she’s still a contrarian. When discussing hubs inability to follow our accountants instructions at tax time it was all ‘who says the accountant is the authority?’ oh I don’t know their accounting degrees and license? The fact that it’s literally the accountants job to tell us what documents are needed…

          1. I was one of the commenters above who agreed with the suggestion it may be time for a new therapist.

             If you do stick it out with this therapist, maybe you can turn it around on her and ask her to help you and your husband collaborate better on these matters. See what she does…

    5. It isn’t the therapist’s job decide what the right way to care for a dog is based on “veterinary science”. It’s to get you two to communicate and come to an agreement on what YOU agree is the right solution for how to care for your dog. Maybe you ultimately decide that a daily walk is needed and that veterinary science is the right standard; maybe not. So yes, you going in with an immovable position BECAUSE SCIENCE isn’t going to result in a productive discussion.

       1. Funny how you glossed over daily medicine compliance. Or is that optional too? Those pesky studies on patient outcomes and compliance, don’t matter if we just agree doggo only needs meds every fortnight.

          1. Look, I agree with you on the merits (about the meds and getting a new therapist) but obviously beating your husband over the head with BECAUSE SCIENCE isn’t getting you what you want. I feel like there’s room in this equation for you to start thinking outside the nine dots, too.

             1. I don’t know what the nine dots are, but otherwise I agree with this. You sound very intense about the “omgveterinaryscience” and I understand why your husband and therapist are annoyed.

             2. Oops sorry I just did a class where they had us do this: https://bayareadiscoverymuseum.org/activity/nine-dots#

             3. SA that was a fun exercise! It took me, a mathematician, a few tries, I admit

          2. I am starting to get the feeling it’s your attitude, not the science. Look at how you wrote that comment.

             1. Yeah, this

             2. Yeah, totally agree. Your contempt might be coming through during therapy. It might make me as the partner dig my heels in unreasonably as well.

             3. While that may be the case, it’s the therapist’s job to point that out and the impact on the relationship in a skillful way, and help the couple find ways to work with each of their styles. A therapist reacting to a client’s attitude the same way the client’s spouse does (assuming that’s what’s happening) should not be getting paid, because that is not a professional response.

    6. if your spouse gets mad that you want to avoid paying late fees, idk how therapy is going to save your marriage.

    7. It sounds like you need a new therapist. And maybe a new husband.

       1. Upon further thought, consider your own individual therapist as well. What is keeping you married to a person you consider lazy and engaging in animal neglect?

       2. +1

    8. I feel there’s no external source of authority (whether it’s science, a therapist, God, etc.) that we can just wield over our spouses to ensure they do what we want (or even make them admit that we’re right or that they’re the unreasonable one). That doesn’t mean there’s no problem or that it’s not important to get on the same page, but I don’t think this is how getting on the same page happens.

       1. +1000

          I would also get annoyed at our therapist initially bc there were things that I felt I was ***objectively*** right about where she would play devil’s advocate on. Over time she helped me realize that it’s not about being objectively right, it’s about learning to communicate and compromise on solutions that work for both of us. If you’re so hyper-focused on being right, you’re never going to get what you need out of therapy. I agree with you, the dog needs its medication and you should be able to count on your husband to do that. I’m guessing your approach (bashing him over the head with it) has not been helpful with securing the outcome you want. You either need to learn how to communicate better, or get on with it and divorce this man who you clearly hold contempt for.

          1. I actually don’t even really talk to DH about the medicine issue anymore, I gave up after a few convos. After finding doggo passed out not once but twice, I just do all meds now because I’m not willing to put our dogs health at risk, but I have a work trip coming up so tbh I’m scared doggo won’t get meds and will die.

             1. Just divorce him. If you honestly Think he is so incompetent that he will kill the dog if you were gone for a few days, you clearly have contempt for him (which may be well-deserved) and would be better off without him

    9. If I were in your shoes, I think I would start by getting my own therapist. It sounds like you’ve hit the point of having contempt for both your husband and your marriage therapist. That’s tough to come back from. I think working through how you’ve gotten here, with someone whose responsibility is to you and not your marriage, would be helpful whatever you decide to do. Whether you are right or wrong, you sound unhappy. You deserve to put at least as much time and energy into improving your own happiness as you are putting into saving your marriage.

       I hope your therapist doesn’t waste a lot of time hashing out whether the expectations you have about how the pet should be cared for are reasonable or not – she’s not your vet. I think if I were you, I would try to prepare for the session by thinking through and preparing to speak about how you feel when your husband ignores what feels like reasonable expectations to you. Might help create a more fruitful conversation.

18. I have a friend coming to stay with me tomorrow for a night – I haven’t seen her in a while and am not sure how natural it will feel. I’m excited to see her but I’m also newly pregnant and exhausted. She gets in in the morning, any advice on what to do with her for the day?? She doesn’t like to exercise, although she does like my dog so may be convinced to do a longer walk. Help!

    1. Farmers market? Brunch + walking around the city or shopping? Grabbing coffee or lemonade and having it in the park? Hang out at a pretty beer garden / brewery with games and non-alcoholic drinks? Get your nails done? Games in your apartment?

       Not sure how ungodly hot it is near you (it’s very hot here!).

       Does she know your partner (assuming you have one)? Does she know you’re pregnant (not sure if your’e sharing yet!).

    2. Let her know, manage expectations and build in breaks. i.e. send her to the farmers market, sleep in and do brunch at 11. Or do an early dog walk, then take a nap while she goes shopping or meets up with friend Y for lunch.

    3. I second the mani-pedi idea.

       Also if it’s super hot, maybe go to an actual movie in an actual air conditioned movie theatre. Maybe the Barbie movie?

       1. I don’t think Barbie is released for another week yet

          1. Not OP – Have my Barbenheimer tickets already and trying to plan my sad/happy outfit now.

             1. I’m planning on just rolling up to Oppenheimer in my hot pink dress and sequin headband.

             2. @DC you, I like.

          2. Darn. Well, I saw Indiana Jones last weekend and liked it so there’s that…

19. Shopping help needed! Why is so hard to find a wedding-guest-appropriate jumpsuit? This is for August (indoor and outdoor), and I’m looking for sleeveless and wide-leg — and ideally something I can wear a normal bra with. Also, I’m 34DD, and 5’0 tall, so that limits some things a little bit (although I’m fine with showing cleavage). I don’t want to pay more than $80 because of budget issues, and this isn’t something I’m going to wear often, so it doesn’t have to last (not that I love buying fast fashion…). Dress code is semi-formal/cocktail.

    1. check Lulus. Though being 5’0 will probably make jumpsuits hard, are you open to a dress? At your height, you’ll need a jumpsuit tailored (though proportions might still be off) and that will increase the cost.

    2. It’s hard because jumpsuits need to fit perfectly, you don’t have an “average”body that will fit into a jumpsuit off the rack, and your budget doesn’t leave room for tailoring. This situation calls for a Lulus dress that won’t require alterations. Spoken as a fellow five footer with curves.

       1. Ah, so you feel my pain :)

    3. Hello! I am cheap and I love jumpsuits. Here are some quick finds from NordRack:

       If this hits you right I think it’d be perfect. Otherwise might be a pain to hem: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/london-times-solid-side-tie-jumpsuit/6979207?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FJumpsuits%20%26%20Rompers&color=615

       Simple and re-wearable. Probably needs hemmed: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/love-by-design-aster-deep-v-neck-jumpsuit/7183427?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FJumpsuits%20%26%20Rompers&color=001

       Slightly cropped: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/maggy-london-princess-seam-jumpsuit/7356374?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FJumpsuits%20%26%20Rompers&color=001

       More cropped: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/sam-edelman-tie-waist-crop-wide-leg-jumpsuit/7296130?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FJumpsuits%20%26%20Rompers&color=001

       Really like the navy: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/donna-morgan-v-neck-ruffle-jumpsuit/7437838?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FJumpsuits%20%26%20Rompers&color=001

       1. Thank you so much! It’s bizarre — Nordstrom Rack’s website has been blocking my IP because of “suspicious activity,” but I haven’t done anything. Gotta try from my phone.

    4. I would not go with a jumpsuit with your figure, you will have a really hard time finding one that fits well – especially at an $80 price point. You may end up in a situation where if it fits your b00bs appropriately, it’s too loose elsewhere, or vice-versa – if it fits elsewhere, it won’t fit your bust appropriately. Depending on your torso length, you may end up swimming in fabric at the crotch. And almost all of them will be way too long in the legs. Look for a dress from a “petites” section (not sure if they have petites at Lulus?) so you don’t have to get it altered.

       1. Yeah, good points… I should probably just wear a dress I have, but we shall see!

    5. It’s hard because of your height and proportions.
       Jumpsuits don’t work for everyone, even if you were to invest in tailoring (which you probably wouldn’t want to be doing at your budget for something you won’t wear very often). You’re likely better off looking for a dress or seperates.

       1. What kind of separates would you say would work for a cocktail/semi-formal summer wedding?

       2. (This might post twice) What separates would you say work for a cocktail/semi-formal summer wedding?

    6. OK, thank you all, you’ve convinced me to ditch the jumpsuit idea!

    7. I may be late, but definitely check out resale sites at that price price point. There will be deals especially since you can make an offer (on poshmark, some sellers on ebay). I know I’ve sold new with tag dresses from Boden and BR for half that price just to clean out my closet. Be sure to ask the seller for measurements.

20. I moved to a new area and have been looking for a PCP for almost a year. I have several chronic illnesses and am continually being diagnosed with more, so a really good PCP is a must for me. Every single doctor that I’ve tried to schedule with isn’t accepting new patients. I have gotten recommendations for doctors that don’t accept insurance. Should I go out of pocket for a really good doc? The alternative seems to be seeing an NP or a DO through my insurance.

    1. I’d see the DO. They take the same tests/do the same residencies as a typical MD.

    2. Remember, “doesn’t accept insurance” doesn’t mean your insurance won’t pay. It just means the doctor won’t bill yor insurance company. You can still pay up front and submit to your insurer for reimbursement — I’ve been doing this for years with my therapist. It’ll be out of network so the reimbursement will be less, and it’ll be a hassle, but it’ll be more than zero.

       That said, I have no experience with DOs but some of the best PCP’s I’ve ever had have been NPs.

       1. And be prepared to pay much more for every service and prescription the out-of-network doctor suggests.

          1. I haven’t experienced paying more for direct care. The prescriptions are covered at usual insured rates. I can have labs covered or get them at discount rates. Maybe it is different with a doctor who takes insurance but just doesn’t take my insurance? (What a nightmare this system is…)

    3. I almost exclusively see NPs / PAs now, but before that my PCP was a DO. DOs are doctors, so not sure why you’d be hesitant to see one. My DO PCP was excellent; you don’t need to be an MD to be an excellent PCP.

    4. Your comment about DOs is really weird. You know they’re full doctors who went to medical school, completed the same residencies and passed the same boards as MDs, right?

    5. Call your insurance to ask for a list of PCPs who are accepting new patients, and say that you prefer MDs. I have always had NPs and DOs as my PCP and have received excellent care from them, though I don’t have any serious health conditions yet.

    6. DO is fine. And I’m from a family of MDs who are completely horrified by chiropractors. DO has to pass the same licensing tests as MDs, at least in the US.
       I’ve also had good experiences with NPs.

    7. If you’re in USA (just guessing based on how you’re discussing insurance), a DO is the equivalent of a MD and not a step down (this is different in different countries), so I wouldn’t hesitate to see a DO who is taking patients based on their degree alone.

       I have had good experience with NPs and PAs if they’re well supported and have access to doctors and specialists. For one example, my primary care PA in a good hospital system was able to get me on new thyroid meds based on a quick back and forth messaging exchange with one of the endocrinologists. Saved me a specialist appt. and therefore a lot of money and time! It’s incredibly convenient when the specialists and PCP are all part of the same system.

       I have also tried a “direct care” doctor. With doctors who don’t take insurance, you just have to be aware that they aren’t as limited by what insurance is willing to cover. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. They may be exactly like regular doctors just with more time for complex care patients. They may be more comfortable with the kinds of meds that usually only specialists use (think of a doctor who is using antivirals, LDN, vitamins, or Mestinon for CFS/ME — that’s probably either going to be a top specialist at a destination hospital, or it’s going to be a direct care or concierge primary care practice; same thing for something like combination therapy for hypothyroidism). But they can also potentially caught up in things that really aren’t science supported because of the cash pay nature of the practice, or they may fold in a lot of lifestyle or cosmetic stuff if they’re mainly marketing towards patients of means. So I think you have to do a little more research just to know what you’re getting into. Likewise, concierge practices with lots of bells and whistles can be very expensive, whereas humbler direct care practices can potentially save you money if you interface with primary care frequently and are paying a set subscription fee. You probably want to think about whether they’ll coordinate care effectively with your specialists, or whether they’ll kind of exist adjacent to a hospital based care team.

    8. Why are you so anti-DO?

       1. Eh, I didn’t read this as anti-DO necessarily. A lot of people don’t know they’re equivalent to an MD.

    9. Eh, I didn’t read this as anti-DO necessarily. A lot of people don’t know they’re equivalent to an MD.

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