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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
There are a few hot-pink blazers out there right now (including this McQueen one), and this pink blazer from Gucci looks gorgeous. Love the clean lines (although: why did the stylist only button the bottom button? see how it looks all gapey and weird?), and the tailoring looks perfect. That said, the real reason I'm posting this is because I like the entire outfit — the thin black turtleneck beneath the vibrant blazer (with just a leeetle bit of the black sleeves sticking out beneath the rolled up sleeves), the printed pants, and, God help me, even the ankle length of the pants with the heels. I think this outfit could completely be replicated with much more affordable items (if they're not already in your closet) for a casual day at the office. The Gucci blazer, should you need it, is $1,595 at Net-a-Porter. Gucci Wool-blend blazer
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Psst: Too rich for your blood? Check out the Corporette Bargains page, with a roundup of previous recs now on sale, Corporette recs under $150, and more.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
KC
I normally dislike turtlenecks with blazers, but I agree with Kat, the styling here seems to work pretty well.
anonz
It’s funny how we’re all different because I like the blazer but don’t like the styling at all.
Ellen
OMG! I would have to become a partner to be abel to aford this one! But I have decided that it IS very nice, and the manageing partner like’s me in RED. I still will wait before buying new stuff b/c of all of the displaced huricane victims. FOOEY on Sandy. This Sandy also has bad breathe!
David left alot of mesages and txt’s for me to call him. I wonder if he realizes he was such a doosh by leting me fend for myself alone during the storm. It is true I did NOT loose power at home, we did at work and the manageing partner has a mess at the Hamton’s. As a result, there is no PILGRIM party! DOUBEL FOOEY.
I asked the manageing partner about the vaccent office where Mr. Andrew sat, and he said he would think about it. What is there to think about? It just has some files in it now, and Mr. Andrew has NOT been there for 2 month’s!!!!!! I want a window, and ROBERTA agrees that I should have a window. Yay!
I also raised the MBA issue with the manageing partner. It seem’s his brother has an MBA, so the manageing partner will ask his brother. I do NOT know what the brother even doe’s, just that he is a little SHADY. I do NOT want to learn anything shady, just want to get the MBA degree for my CREDENTIEL. If anyone in the HIVE can sugest a good school in NY City, that would be great. My dad still did not tell me the name of the engineer he want’s me to talk to but he could be VERY smart also. YAY!!!!!
Cb
Hmm…not too sure about patterned pants.
Early TJ: Remember the conversation we had awhile back about gendered language? Ie. a business model is sexy, etc? I’m leading some mock negotiations and asked my students whether they were going to get in bed with David Cameron or the alternative? I thought I had successfully expunged all corporate speak from my vocabulary but apparently not.
They didn’t really seem to notice but so embarrassing!
anon
Threadjack: We have a chandalier with a little six-inch metal medallion connecting it to the ceiling. We’re trying to switch out the chandalier, but that dang medallion is stuck on there. We have tried and tried to get it off. Any suggestions? (We didn’t put it up there, so I don’t know how it was attached, but I don’t see any nails or screws on it.)
Help would be appreciated!
Cat
we encountered this in our place and it turned out that the medallion twisted and locked into place – there were two screws, and when you were originally putting it up, you lined up the screws with two screw-head-sized holes, and extending from the holes were narrow curved slits that matched the width of the skinny part of the screw – so you rotated the medallion so that it “caught” in the slits extending from the holes (so that the screw heads were then supporting the weight of it). Um, hard to explain.
hampering your rotation efforts may be the medallion becoming stuck to the ceiling paint over time –> a chisel and some patience, and a good chair :)
anon
Thanks!
In the Pink
If it is glued up there, you may be able to scrape out the caulking holding it up. There’s also the possibility that heat might help release it. Hair dryer instead of my professional heat gun (for paint removal purposes) might be another way to address this? You will need a 6 pack of patience and probably a neck massage afterwards :)
Anon for this
What a great group of people – skills, knowledge and ceiling medalions!
I'm Just Me
Immediate TJ to review the Narciso Rodriguez for Kohls tweed jacket. I ordered it at 7 am on Wednesday and received it on Saturday. I paid 47.00 for it, the list price is $98. it was already marked down to $67 and I got an additional 30% off plus shipping.
The jacket ran true to size and is nicely made. The sleeves were an odd bracelet length on me, not 3/4 sleeves, but maybe my arms are unusually short. The lining fabric was nice. The jacket is actually several different types of fabric, pieced. The fabric that the front and back panels are made of is stiff and rather odd looking. The other tweed fabric, which is used for the sleeves and side panels, is quite nice and more drapy, but is very shiny/sparkly with silver lurex threads running through it.
Overall, it is a return for me, the shine is a little too much for my very casual office and I would not have places to wear it otherwise. For a $50 jacket it was nice, but not fantastic.
I also ordered the shirred front shirt (which is no longer on the website). I got the cobalt. I don’t know the list price, but the price I paid was 30% off of 33.80. The fabric is heavy and does not drape as well as it should, but may be fine after it is washed. It was true to size. It was not a flattering fit on me, but I think it would look nicer on a taller, thinner person.
I’m off to Kohls to return both pieces.
Monday
This kind of review confirms my suspicion of all these designer-large retailer collaborations popping up everywhere. It seems like it’s basically the same low-quality, poorly cut stuff with slightly more appealing design. I wonder if most of the draw is in the label.
Midwest
I agree. I’ve yet to see one of the Target designer collections that looks as cute in person as it does on the website. And that’s not even touching the fit, which is generally atrocious.
Midwest
OH. I tried on the Kohl’s version of the Rock and Republic jeans this weekend and did not like them at all. The fabric was thin and despite sizing up, they barely fit over my thighs. It’s possible this line is just not made for tall curvy girls, but I was expecting a lot better.
AIMS
I generally agree. My one exception would be the Calypso line for Target a while back – I got some absolutely amazing cotton nightgowns, though I suspect this was of an exception than the rule, even for this line.
KC
I got one of the bathing suits from that line (on super clearance too! I think I spent maybe $8 total?) and it has held up impressively well.
TO Lawyer
Just a reminder that the Toronto meetup is Thursday at 7pm! Location to be confirmed (suggestions for a group of 6-10 welcome!)
AMB
Ahhhh, so sad to be missing that by a day. Oh well, hopefully another time!
TJ for the Toronto ‘rettes : Am coming in from O-town for a shopping weekend, prob doing Eaton Centre for J Crew, Yorkville and then up to Vaughn Mills for some deals. Any other suggestions? Or dinner recs in the Davisville or Eglinton areas?
anon
Just have to say it: Gig’em AGGIES!!!! Wowza. All those haters who said we could never compete were wrong wrong wrong.
If someone had taken my blood pressure in the fourth quarter, they would have thought I was about to die.
Now back to regularly scheduled programming.
anon
What a great game! I was excited to see the #1 team fall, but not happy that it will probably improve NDs ranking.
Bluejay
Allow me to take this opportunity to blow a raspberry at you and say neener, neener, neener.
anon
HA – thanks Bluejay! I love your comments, but I just can’t get behind your alma mater
NOLA
Amazing game! They were no Aggie haters on GameDay. They all thought the Aggies had a good chance of knocking off Alabama. For those of us in Louisiana, it was just great to see Bama get taken down a peg.
I am not a fan of any particular college team (only went to one school that even had big football) but I have been loving watching ND this year.
anon
Yeah, we’ve really proven ourselves this year. I’m more talking about the last few years when we were flirting with the SEC. People here in Texas acted like it was literally impossible that A&M could ever be competitive on the national level or in the SEC. But you know, that’s just how Longhorns are. :)
anon
And I agree about Notre Dame! I’m cheering them on. I do think our win, however, will mean that the best teams in college football will not be playing in the BCS championship. On with the playoff system!
Bluejay
I don’t know. K-State and Oregon look really good. I don’t object to their being ranked 1 and 2, despite being an Irish fan. ‘Bama is obviously very good, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the best team in football.
anon
It’s hard to say definitively. I agree that K-State and Oregon look good. But the Big 12 and Pac 12 are both really weak this year. K-State hasn’t really played anyone as good as LSU, Alabama, Georgia, etc. Either way, we wouldn’t even have to have this discussion if we had a playoff system! :)
And the Aggies would probably be in the playoffs, and we’ve just gotten better and better over the season. I think we’d really be able to make a run for it.
Ginger
K-State beat TAMU the last three times they played… don’t think the Big 12 is that weak #justsayin’
anon
Yeah, that’s a really bad argument. New coach, new awesome quarterback, new offensive linemen, new defensive and offensive coordinators . . . . but K-State did beat us five years ago, so there’s that . . .
anon
And, I’m not disputing that K-State is really good – they totally are. I’m just saying the Big 12 as a whole is much weaker.
SoCal Gator
Gotta add my Go Irish since I am a Domer. This year has been a welcome change from many dismal years of football.
Barrister in the Bayou
I caught the second half of the game while waiting for the LSU game to start. Everyone around me was rooting for A&M. We all wanted to see Bama lose… I’m just jealous that LSU wasn’t as lucky.
NOLA
I know! If only LSU had managed the time a bit better and had not given Bama enough time to come down the field and score. I was watching that game in my hotel room in Denver and was so sad that they didn’t pull it off.
RTR
As a Bama fan, I was worried about both LSU and A&M all season. And I have to say I was glad the loss came to A&M rathar than LSU! That would have been really tough to swallow.
Bluejay
I’ve hated the Aggies ever since I dated one (well, since I stopped dating one), but yeah. Gig ’em.
anon
Yes, we can be sort of obnoxious. :)
Herbie
Yup, no Aggie fan here, but that was a great game.
darjeeling
Bama fan here- at least at my house we were nervous about this matchup and it was a great game despite the outcome. Welcome to the SEC!
KC
I went for a haircut with a new stylist and she suggested a styling oil to deal with humidity. I had great results with it for a few weeks, but lately my hair is very limp and looks greasy. I checked the label and realized it’s a silicone based product, so the residue is likely the culprit. D’oh. Lesson learned, I suppose.
Any good recommendations for a clarifying shampoo?
Flamingo
I spent a lot of time researching the whole silicone, no poo stuff last year. Most sources agreed that a cheap shampoo with sulfates would clear whatever silicone residue you had in your hair. I use Suave clarifying once a week and it’s been working well.
Mpls
My other thought is (given that we just got a dusting of snow) whether it is still humid enough in your area to need help taming? Which totally depends on on your geographical location.
I use product to combat the humidity-induced frizz as well, but debate the necessity of it when I need to pull the humidifier out to combat the static because the air has dried out and the temp has dropped. And then I start thinking about how to keep my hair from drying out.
MaggieLizer
I swear by Moroccan Oil products. My hair gets frizzy in the summer because of humidity and the winter because of static, and the oil spray is pretty effective on both. Their shampoos have really helped my dry winter hair in the past. I’m not sure if I will have to use it this winter because my hair feels so much better after switching to a sulfate-free shampoo, but I have it on hand just in case my wishful thinking doesn’t play out. To KC’s point, they have a clarifying shampoo too, but I haven’t used it so I can’t say if it’s any better than a less expensive option.
KC
I do love how well the oil tames flyaways/adds moisture, so perhaps I just need a non-silicone version. Have heard great things about Moroccan Oil, so perhaps it’s time to finally check it out. Thanks for the rec!
ADL
Sunday by Bumble and bumble. Once a week (on Sunday). Works great; love how my hair feels afterwards.
Anon Analyst
Neutrogena makes a good clarifying shampoo. I try to use it once a week b/c I use styling products on a daily basis.
Elle
I’m confused. Why is your “lesson learned”. Just wash your hair and keep using it!
KC
I didn’t read the ingredients label before I purchased the product. I have pretty fine hair, so silicone products tend to weigh it down over time. I’m hoping a clarifying shampoo will work to get rid of the residue that’s not coming out with my normal washing routine.
mascot
Adding a teaspoon or so of baking soda to a palmful of your regular shampoo makes an effective and cheap clarifying shampoo.
Diana Barry
So I just reordered from J Crew and they are having an extra 30% off sale items. And lots of things are on sale, including the #2 pencil skirts and the Cambridge cable cardigans, and some of the colors of stuff like the cafe capri, etc. :)
NOLA
Ugh. I have been dreading this day. My boss called a meeting of our whole division about his “first 100 days.” He wouldn’t tell any of us, even those of us in administration, what he intended to talk about. He sent us drafts (confidentially) this morning. He has written a “strategic plan” for our unit with no consultation. We are a very collaborative organization and people who know better will be furious. My colleague came into my office and asked if we were going to heckle. I’m not but it makes me so sad. He has a huge ego and no clue. I don’t even know what I will say if he asks me. We have a meeting scheduled for this afternoon but it’s about the personnel budget. I feel like we need to find a way to tell him that this stuff goes over like a lead balloon. We had been developing ideas for planning that tied us to the whole university, with tremendous buy-in, and he just bypassed all of it.
De
Would it be a good idea to maybe mention to him on the side that the team usually works as, well..a team?
NOLA
Oh he puts TEAM in all caps in his powerpoint but it’s become clear that he has absolutely no training in working with groups. None of this was obvious when we were hiring him.
anon in-house
I always wonder…who hires these people who are so obviously a poor personality fit with the organization? Why is it that big-swinging d!cks always get the high positions – have we learned nothing from the far and recent past?
phillygirlruns
love the phrase “big-swinging d!cks.” added to my vocabulary.
Susan
He acts like a BSD but he’s just a little ding-a-ling when it comes down to effectiveness.
eek
He really is something else. I’d like to know how he wrote a strategic plan without any input. Ask him if he identified the stakeholders and if he conducted a stakeholder analysis (he couldn’t possibly have if this is the first you’ve heard of it). He is such a bad leader, a bad manager, and seems completely self-serving. *rawr*
S in Chicago
Just wanted to say I really like this advice. When you don’t have the authority, you need to focus on whatever options are around you for “leading from the back of the room.” You clearly can’t control that he is the boss, but you can take steps to help shape what he decides and how he goes about it with “cues” such as this. Getting folks in the room to provide input that wasn’t sought at the proper time is one way to give a subtle nudge (and perhaps just one of many nudges that will be needed) to help make the next time go more smoothly. I would be wary of confronting him directly though as others have recommended. If he does have a lot of authority, you don’t want to find yourself enemy no. 1 among those dismissing his ideas or disparaging his leadership style. (Even though well-deserved.)
NOLA
Well it was interesting – one of my colleagues asked a question that all of us wanted to know. We have been working so hard to tie all of our goals to the university’s strategic plan and he didn’t do that at all. When my colleague asked about that, he said that he would wait for his boss’s reaction. I don’t think we’ll let him get away with that. Tying our planning to the university’s is crucial. It’s just so frustrating to have to go through this with him.
eek
It’s crucial and smart. How on earth does he expect to get funding or support for his plan if he 1) can’t demonstrate that his activities are in direct alignment with the university’s plan and 2) identify what the planned result/deliverable of those activities will be. How is he going to measure performance? Gah.
Anne Shirley
But he’s the boss yes? (apologies if I’ve lost track of the players). It seems less energy devoted to changing him, and more devoted to adjusting your styles to him would be appropriate.
NOLA
Yeah he is but he’s brand new and still doesn’t even know what we do. The way he treats us is insulting. We have been an award-winning organization and he won’t even acknowledge that we know what we’re doing. We will lost really good people if he continues this way.
eek
True, but it seems more than a personality conflict between two people. He doesn’t fit into the organization’s culture which might sound fluffy, but it’s one of those things that is a huge deal in terms of motivation, morale, teamwork, and retention.
zora
It’s not just fit, he’s been jerking the employees around in different directions ever since he got there! He keeps switching directions and plans on you all with no notice. This does NOT lead to a productive or efficient department, if no one knows what’s going on and find their short term and long term goals constantly shifting and changing at the drop of a hat! It’s just generally bad management, even if he was *right* about the changes he is proposing, which in this case he is not.
eek
He would be a good fit for your company!
zora
True. Story. ;-)
Bluejay
I’ve worked with people like this (including people I helped hire and later was like, OMG, why didn’t this come out during the interview). I think the best thing is to schedule an appointment and privately discuss with him the importance of teamwork and collaboration in your organization and let him know that people are hurt and upset by his making major decisions without consultation. Keep calm and professional and don’t convey whether you agree with those hurt/upset people or not. Friendly, calm advice given by a neutral party is usually the best way to persuade someone to rethink their actions without putting them on the defensive.
I do think he needs to know that his style is a problem. Otherwise he’ll just end up with employees mocking him behind his back, ignoring him, and phoning it in, and that’s terrible both for productivity and morale.
ADL
I have another Sephora 20% off I can gift to someone. Email me at leead02 at yahoo dot com – first person and the code is yours. Promotion ends today. Online use only.
PharmaGirl
Emailed you!
ADL
Fyi, it’s taken.
just Karen
I thought anyone could use CELEBRATE for 20% off through today – is the code only good for VIB’s?
Bluejay
Attention DC R e t t e s
We have a location for our Monday, December 10 meetup – Laughing Man Tavern at 1306 G St NW (right near Metro Center). We will meet in the downstairs bar. I will get there by 5:30.
If you are not already on the email list, email d c c o r p o r e t t e @yahoo.com (without the spaces) to get on the email list. I’ll send an email reminder and post a reminder here a few days before the meetup.
Can’t wait to see you all!
cfm
oo great choice, that place has a good happy hour
Avodah
@ NOLA- That guy sounds impossible. I worked a software company, and we hired a new sales guy, and he was a total big swinging youknowwhat. Our company was very laid-back, team-oriented and he went in there like General Patton (not as effective though..).
Subject change- does anyone have opinions on MZ Wallace bags? I have admired them for years, and I thinking of buying one. I am so sick of shlepping gym stuff and a purse in separate, cumbersome totebags.
Anon
Re: MZ Wallace. I have one (Baby Jane, so not large enough for your needs) and I like it a lot – great design, very durable. That said, I only use it for weekends/travel because I don’t think that nylon (while super nice quality) is “nice” enough for my office. YMMV.
Recommendations needed
For some good mommy blogs or pregnancy sites. I love this community but don’t want to pepper it with a thousand preg-related questions. Please direct me to an appropriate website/blog. Thanks!
Meg Murry
I haven’t found a parenting community as awesome as this one, too many of the mom related boards are full of trolls, people judging your parenting decisions, and people way too into a specific parenting style for my taste. My best mom community is a facebook group for our local b-feeding support group, where we ask and give advice like the TJs on this site – worth asking some of your friends if there is a local equivalent.
These are my favorite sites:
pregnancy:Alphamom 0-40 pregnancy calendar,
parenting plus a little pregnancy advice columns: Alphamom Advice Smackdown, Ask Moxie
b-feeding: kellymom dot com
Baby names: Swistle baby names, Baby name wizard dot com
parenting humor: Eating Over the Sink on Babble Voices, Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures
Sorry no links, didn’t want to be stuck in mod. All sites should be the first googled result or 2.
Mary Jo
Free Range Kids! It had great advice for letting go and keeping the helicopter parenting in check.
kc esq
try hellobee
anon in tejas
try hellobee
OP
Thanks you all! I’ll try these out. I agree – I haven’t found a community as awesome as this anywhere else but know that people don’t TJs veering too much into non-work categories so hope one of these is a good alternative
OP
Thank you all! I’ll try these out. I agree – I haven’t found a community as awesome as this anywhere else but know that people don’t TJs veering too much into non-work categories so hope one of these is a good alternative
Anne Shirley
First weekend traveling with my Lo & Sons O.G. and it is a complete game changer for me, in case any of y’all have been on the fence. Fit laptop + three days worth of clothes and shoes easily. And it bit beneath the seat in front of me so no fighting for overhead bin space.
e_pontellier
This sounds amazing!! Thanks for the review :)
SF Bay Associate
That sounds amazing. I may need one of those. What airline were you flying? The underseat space varies depending on airline, so I’m curious which one you were on.
Anne Shirley
Jet Blue
Car
I found out this weekend that my needs a major repair. Does anyone have advice for deciding when it’s worth it to repair the vehicle versus just getting a new one? I’m tempted to just fix it because I don’t have time to research new cars right now, but maybe I should be thinking about other issues.
Anon
How old is the vehicle? Mileage? How much will the repair cost? What is its current approx value? All things to take into consideration.
Car
Car is 6 years old, 90k miles. The repair would be about 2k. If I repair it, I could probably get 4k for it. If I sell it in its current condition with no repair, I would get 2k from it.
SF Bay Associate
What brand? Some brands go to 200k miles, some don’t.
Mpls
How old is the car? Has it had other major repairs recently? Is the repair due to how the car is driven vs. parts just wearing out? Are there additional issues that may crop up down the line? What is the current value of the car (if it gets fixed) – is that more than the cost of the repair? Is the cost of the repair less than getting another car (whether new or used)? Can you afford to buy another car (either outright or with payments)?
Personally, if the car is less than 10 years old and the repair is less than $1000-1500 (depending on the value of the car), I’d probably do the repair, but start saving for a new car.
Diana Barry
How much is the repair? And for how long will it keep your car running? You could think of it like a car payment, if it is 2000 and will keep the car going for another 20 months = 100/month car payment.
Anonymous
Something to consider is also the climate where you live. If you buy a new car now (as opposed to waiting until the spring), you’ll have another winter of ice and salt and cold to help corrode your new car. Obviously not an issue if you live in a southern climate.
FWIW, I just went through almost the same scenario with my car. I did almost $3k in repairs between May and September and was just DONE with my car’s surprise repair bills and ready to buy a new one. And then my dad convinced me to wait until spring so that the new car doesn’t immediately begin corroding.
If you think you can hold out another 4-5 months by paying for the repairs now, you’ll have a couple months to research cars, maybe save a little more for a down payment or otherwise determine how a new car will impact your budget, and make sure you’re getting a great deal because you won’t need a new car NOW, just sometime soon.
Avodah
@ Anne Shirley! The OMG is exactly what I am looking for. I want neat, clean lines and space for my shoes *and* my laptop. Thanks for the recommendation! (Plus it is a little bit cheaper than MZ Wallace).
anonymous
I am gearing up to find an apt to move in with my bf. He currently works from home and has a highly variable income and a penny-pincher approach to life. I make a good income higher than him, though I’m chipping away at my loans on a fast track. We both like neighborhood X where rents are doable (though not low) for us both and would cut my commute in half. He is open to it but prefers his current neighborhood Y which is less hip, less young and less fun (a 45min minimum commute for me) because the rents would be half of my desired neighborhood. Also, since he is indifferent to where we live, he thinks I should pay a more rent because I am the one who needs to lessen my commute. But then again, he will be benefited by it more since he’ll have all day to go enjoy it while I am working 11 hours a day.
Any comments on the above thought-process? In general, how did you guys decide how you break down food and expenses when the bf earns less?
anonymous
Oh, and neighborhood X would be a 20 min commute for me btw, if that sheds light on it. Thanks hive!
anonz
I think it’s sort of weird that he wants you to pay more because the commute benefits you. I am an old married lady, but I view housing as a shared expense. I could see dividing expenses based on income, but this benefit thing is hard to quantify.
anon in-house
It’s possible the “commuting benefit” argument probably makes him feel better to bring up than the income disparity, which is just as hard to quantify given the fact that it is pretty variable (it can range from half of mine in a bad year though that hasn’t happened yet since he has only been working this way for 2 years, and reaching my salary on a good year which was what it came down to last year).
anon in-house
Hehe, outed myself :)
anonz
LOL it’s all anon, right? ;). I can see what you mean, but if you can’t have a frank discussion about money and how you’re truly dividing things, then that doesn’t bode well for the future. The income disparity does exist, so you can’t talk around it, kwim?
eek
Doesn’t he somehow benefit from your shorter commute — you are home more, right? Seems petty to me but as anon in-house said, maybe it’s his way of saving face because of the income disparity.
I’d say expenses are proportional to take home pay and I vote for the shorter commute.
AnonInfinity
I think the fairest way to split these kinds of expenses is by income. So, maybe he pays 1/3 of the expenses and you pay 2/3 (if you make 2/3 of the combined income). This is especially true if he can’t afford to pay double the rent as he’d be paying in Neighborhood Y.
Paying based on commute time isn’t something I would do because benefits like that are so subjective and fuzzy. What if he likes the water pressure better? The fact that there are lots of windows? Or if he gets a different job and ends up having to commute?
LadyEnginerd
Yeah, that’s what we did, and it worked out well.
If he wants you to sign up for a 45 + minute commute, then is he willing to sign up for cooking the majority of dinners during the week?
ss
Well, one way to look at it would be : you want to pick the neighbourhood and your preferred neighbourhood is more expensive, so you’ll kick in some of the difference. This way neither of you need to put a dollar amount to the ‘benefits’ accruing to each person.
Lyssa
That’s the way I was thinking of it, too. It’s less about commute time and more about “who wants it more” in negotiations. Another way might be that you and he should both say what you are actually willing to pay, and then decide if there’s an apt. in either or both neighborhoods that meets the sum.
All that said, this is one reason that the idea of couples living together without marriage or the intent to get married (and join finances) tends to be troublesome. I’m not saying definitely don’t do it, just that it’s a lot more complicated and emotionally challenging than people tend to expect for reasons that have nothing to do with the lofty goals of a religious ceremony.
DealCube
Since the “better” location is one that he would not choose to pay for if he weren’t moving in with you, I think that he has a point.
I would probably work out the allocation of rent based upon some percentage that comes from what the two of you would choose to pay if you weren’t living together.
For example, assume:
He is currently paying $1000/month and would not move if he were not moving in with you.
You pay (or would pay) $1500/month if you weren’t moving in with your BF.
If the place you are looking at is $2500, I would say that you each keep paying what you are. If it is $2000, I would have him pay $750 and you pay $1250 (each of you splitting the $500 “savings” from deciding to live together). If the place is $3000, then he would pay $1250 and you would pay $1750 (each of you paying $250 more than you are now).
After the first year, I would revisit the rental amounts.
Anne Shirley
Hmm. Do you want to take the financial step of a joint lease with someone who a) can’t/wont make plans for his “variable” salary (I’m thinking sometime of freelance, but many people are able to deal with variable income without extreme penny pinching) and b) doesn’t sound committed to thinking of shared expenses as a shared benefit accruing to you two as a couple. Have you discussed future plans? Does he expect you to buy the groceries because he could live on ramen? You to buy the car because he’s not sure what his income will be and hasn’t planned sufficient savings to cope?
anonz
Yeah (b) is kind of what I was getting at earlier!
rosie
I agree with these points. I think (b) is a really important thing to work out in your relationship. My SO and I have different willingness to pay for various things (such as apartment amenities and moving services), but we talked it out and if something is important to me, he accepts that it is part of what we’re looking for (and vice versa).
I also think it’s weird that he cites your commute as the reason you should pay more, since he does benefit from that. I could see contributing differently based on your different salaries or based on the fact that the neighborhood feel is more important to you, but commute?
n.
It sounds like you just have different opinions on whether a good location or a monthly savings is more valuable, and what’s doable to you might be edging out of his comfort zone. My SO would live in an absolute hovel to save money if he were choosing just for himself, so I can relate. When we first moved in together, I asked him to give me his desired range for cost per month (what he’d like to spend, the max he’d be happy spending, etc) and then I picked potential apartments and locations based on that (since that didn’t matter nearly as much to him as it did to me). As far as splitting expenses, we had a shared bank account where we each deposited a proportional amount of our income (eg, 50% of our weekly take home pay) and used that account to pay rent, food, etc.
anon in-house
This, you pinned it on the nose, thank you. Since he’d stay in his area Y which is the nicest neighborhood you can get for the measly pennies he unrealistically expects to pay in our high-cost-of-living city, he thinks the benefit of moving to neighb X disproportionately falls in my favor and that, coupled with my higher income, is why he feels it’s only fair for me to pay more since the rent would more than double in neighb X (yet my commute would be halved).
To put it in hard numbers, neighborhood Y: fine in terms of safety, but no hipness to it and no fun walkable restos though it has nice parks; rent-stabilized + rent-controlled apts for $800-900/mo. with a 45min. commute to my job (bus and train, absent delays).
Neighborhood X: fun, hip, MUCH closer to work and heart of the city, nice parks, peer neighbors, everything walkable, but much pricier, rent will be $1600-1700/mo (though it’s the least expensive vs other reasonable commute parts of our high cost of living area).
Should I just suck it up, save money myself and move to his neighborhood, or should I enjoy a lesser commute and pay more on my end?
N.
Well, we compromised by getting a really nice apartment in neighborhood Y (a gentrifying but still a long way from hip neighborhood), instead of getting an apartment in my desired neighborhood (which would have been around $1300 for something much smaller). But, neighborhood Y in my case is about the same commute time — it’s further away distance wise but better connected by public transit. I’d be a lot less happy about signing on for a 45+ minute commute.
If your boyfriend is anything like my SO, I’d leave neighborhood hipness out of the discussion, and focus instead on the savings you’ll already realize by moving in together (economies of scale and all) and the costs of a long commute (both the money spent on gas, etc and what it takes away from time together and your ability to contribute to household chores). If he works from home, he probably hasn’t really wrapped his mind around just how much of a pain the commute can be and how much it will contribute to your general happiness to be close to work. As an experiment, you could ask him to “commute” to work at a coffee shop near your work for a few days, just to see exactly what he’s asking of you.
I’d absolutely be willing to pay more based on relative income, but I wouldn’t want to set it up as a “you wanted this, so you pay more for it” kind of arrangement because it seems to me to invite blame and further problems down the road (“Our rent is going up, and you’re the one who wanted to live here, so you pay for it”). Long term, you have to figure out how to hit the sweet spot in terms of your different spending/saving preferences, and you might as well start now.
Baby DC Attorney
Calling all big law / mid-law people:
I know it has been a long while since I’ve posted, but I’m really needing some advice.
I am totally miserable at my firm. I frequently cry on my way into the office, in my office (with the door closed), on my way home, and once I’m at home. This is due to several factors. One, I’ve been working with the partner that everyone refers to as the “associate killer.” This partner has made my life hell over the past year, has made me feel worthless, and totally ruined the week leading up to my wedding last month, etc. Two, every place I’ve ever worked, I was able to find people I liked enough, at least, to want to go to lunch with every now and then, or people to vent to. There is no.one.like.that here. Three, and this is something I posted about maybe a year ago, there is this associate here who is a total tool. He has done everything possible to get on every project I am on through sucking up to partners and undermining me to the point where he has thrown me under the bus on several occasions (I heard through a 3rd party). As luck would have it, I have to sit next to this person, who irritates me pretty much constantly. It is hard not to let all of his behavior consume me with rage and anger, and I’m seriously concerned that it will start to show through to the partners on the case since I typically wear my heart on my sleeve.
I know I should be grateful in this economy to have a job…and one that pays decently (although a far cry from a big law salary).
My question is whether these are issues you think I can fix and still keep the job, whether these are things I just need to get used to experiencing while working for a law firm, or whether I should start looking for something better.
De
I wish I worked in DC so I could go out to lunch with you, I ate lunch alone all the time for my first year here. I don’t work in big-law, but I work in a similar corporate setting. I cry all the time (and crying in a cubicle is a lot harder when you don’t have a door to close!) I’m miserable. I look for jobs every day. So, while I can’t give much advice, I would say don’t quit, but do look elsewhere if you are this miserable.
anon in-house
Start looking for something better, now! None of this will change, and it sounds like you are headed for major physical and emotional burnout.
I think there are 4 Qs to ask when you are questioning whether you should continue in your current job: 1) Do you like your boss?; 2) Do you like your substantive work, or your chances for promotion or how much this current gig will serve as a launchpad to a better job if you suck it up for a while?; 3) Do you like the company/firm in general?; and 4) Do you like your coworkers?
Yes to All or 3/4: Stay!
2/4: Seek mentorship/career advice from someone who is senior to you in same field or someone whose career you admire. Contact recruiter to feel out the market. Consider moving on if you can find comparable pay/role.
1/4 or 0: Start looking elsewhere!
A rough guide at best, but no job is worth your physical and emotional health. DC is the #1 market for legal employment, so I think you are in a good position to find a better employer!
Anon
Have you considered going to a coach or counselor or therapist? I was in a situation like this a few years ago, and it was overwhelming. Speaking to someone helped me identify patters, and distinguish between what was good and bad about the job (ex – I like what I did, I was not great at working in an unstructured environment, I worked well in teams, I did not do so well in X situations). When it came time to make a move, I was able to use this feedback to try to find a better fit for me, versus just *something* that was different.
Guest
Look for somewhere else, QUIETLY, if you’ve been working at this place for over a year. You can’t really solve a job that makes you cry constantly, especially since no one will ever tell a partner to stop being so terrible or a slimy associate to stop sucking up to everyone and only looking out for themselves. What future would you have at a place that makes you so miserable?
Herbie
Ugh, I’m sorry. If I were in DC, we’d totally get lunch. For now, though:
1. Read “The No A$$hole Rule” by Bob Sutton. It sounds like you are in what Sutton refers to as a Den of A$$holes. Reading that book helped me cope when I was in my own Den of A$$holes. Sutton talks about various coping methods, but it also helped me just to have some assistance articulating what it was I was experiencing.
2. I’m squarely in the camp of Team Find a New Job. If this partner is known as The Associate Killer, then he’s a classic a$$hole, and your firm doesn’t care about the cost of keeping him. Life is just too short to work for someone who makes you feel worthless and miserable. Also, bigger picture, do you really want to work long term at a company that, at worst, rewards this type of behavior or, at best, neglects to remedy it?
3. Re the tool associate: not necessarily a deal breaker but worth questioning whether the environment at your firm rewards his behavior? Do you think other people see him for what he is (a back-stabbing bus-thrower-under)? Or do they, like with The Associate Killer, ignore his a$$holish behavior because he gets results, bills a lot, etc.? If other people recognize he’s a tool, then it’s not a deal breaker to have to work with him; it’s just annoying and requires careful management.
4. The friends at work thing may not be such a big deal. Do you actively dislike everybody else at your firm? Or you just haven’t found any good lunch buddies yet? I definitely miss the social aspect of my old firm; it’s strange for me not to have work friends, which is currently the case. But that’s just sort of the environment here, and I don’t actively dislike my co-workers. I guess the question is, what makes you say there’s no one you can go out to lunch or vent with?
I guess the tl;dr version is: some firms are vicious places to work, but not every law job is like that. Life is short; it’s probably worth at least attempting to find a place where you’ll be treated better.
Baby DC Attorney
As always, everyone has such thoughtful comments and ideas. This is an incredible community.
RE: the book – I’m buying it today, thank you.
RE: the associate killer – you’re totally right – long term, I don’t think this is somewhere that I want to be.
RE: Herbie’s comment on the tool associate – it is more the 2nd option, where they reward his behavior because he bills a lot. (Although, he was loudly telling a partner a few months ago about how, in his review, he was told “to stop working so hard.”). He is excellent at presenting himself well to partners, and then being a total jerk otherwise. I have never, ever been able to say that I hated someone – until now.
RE: the friends at work thing – I think you’re right – it may not be a huge deal. I think it is just all of the other issues that compound to make it seem like it is a bigger deal than it is.
To those who have offered to go to lunch – thank you. Even though you’re not in D.C., the offer means a lot!
anon
I think it’s amazing how much not having anyone to go to lunch with can be really depressing even though logically it’s not a big deal.
I think that on some subconscious level, it puts us back into the 6th grade, and we’re 12 years old and have no one to sit with at lunch, which is of course the WORST EVER when you’re 12.
AnotherLadyLawyer
While there are a lot of things you have to get used to if you want to stick with BigLaw (probably some level of horrible boss and annoying coworkers), I can assure you that you should NOT just chalk this particular situation up to BigLaw. I jumped from one NYC firm to another pretty early on and I was absolutely SHOCKED at the difference. Everyone at my old firm kept telling me that all firms are the same, it wouldn’t be better somewhere else, etc. Garbage! It’s totally better somewhere else, because about 75% of the terrible-ness you may find in BigLaw is attributable to personalities. I still work a lot, true, and have to cancel plans sometimes, but it’s like night and day. Don’t give up hope! Start quietly looking for something else, as everyone above recommended.
SF Bay Associate
Can you lateral?
Bluejay
Come to the December 10 meetup and bring some business cards. :)
SH
This! I work in MoCo, so I’ll do happy hour with you at least! :-)
Anon
I hate to TJ with yet another of these poor-me-first-work-problem rants, but – seeing yet another one of my classmates with a newborn makes me feel like an utter failure at, well, everything. I didn’t even go for one of those (allegedly) life-destroying BigLaw careers, but here I am, not married, not even dating, no property to my name and not probably not even half the net worth of my peers. I should quit Facebook, because I feel like I can’t see one more of these updates without breaking down.
To the outside world, I have to pretend that I’m fine as I am, but I’m really not.
Anon
I was going to add that’s don’t even know what to do at this point. It’s not that I haven’t tried meeting people, or self-improvement, it’s just that I don’t seem to be able to meet anyone that clicks. I guess what I ned is a way to cope, since whether or not I meet anyone seems to be at least partly out of my hands.
AIMS
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Maybe you should quit Facebook for a while. I’m not trying to be cute, but I really do think comparing yourself to others (esp. their “best foot forward/this is how I want you to see me & my life” selves) is rarely very productive. I would focus on all you’ve accomplished and just go out and do things that interest you or can help others. If you’re in NY/NJ, volunteer to help out with hurricane efforts. If you’re not, maybe volunteer to walk a shelter dog on the weekends. Or maybe you can take a class in something you’ve always wanted to learn. What sometimes helps me is to imagine that someone I consider to be really productive suddenly has woken up with my life and then I ask myself what they would do with it. It’s sort of silly but it can be a very helpful mental exercise.
Anon
I love the suggestion about imagining someone super-productive waking up with my life. She’d probably achieve twice as much as I would (which of course means that I should be able to do the same, if I put my mind to it.)
AIMS
I think it also helps to imagine this because so much of our circumstance seems intractable and it’s so easy to get overwhelmed thinking that you should have done something different starting with 20 steps ago. I felt this way when I was looking for work third year of law school – if only I did better first semester, if only I did better on my LSATs, if only I did that internship …. But if you just accept that these are the cards you have and then do your best to play each hand, it’s much less overwhelming.
a.
Second quitting Facebook! If it’s making you miserable, just break the loop. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
violet
I agree! I had to quit most blogs for this reason. I truly felt much better about my life when I wasn’t reading about someone else’s all the time!
Different Anon
Sympathies and ((hugs)). It’s yucky to feel this way but good for you for voicing it. You can’t solve a problem until you express what’s wrong. As for having a so-called first world problem: who cares? Distress is distress. You’re entitled to express yourself. A brief message on this site is n0t the same as a steady & unenlightened whine for months or years. Pretend the next sentence is in boldface (or neon). **It’s never easy to watch other people hitting milestones while you feel stuck much farther back on the path.** It also doesn’t help to tell yourself that everybody has hidden problems (the baby may have colic and take hours to fall asleep, her spouse may travel endlessly for work, the property may have a leaky roof and it’s impossible to find a contractor…) because what’s bothering you right now are the very-much-visible accomplishments! However, there are still ways to help yourself feel better.
If Facebook is too much, take a break. You can say you’re focusing on work or leisure projects if anybody asks. (I don’t know Facebook so I can’t be more helpful about the specifics.) Stay in touch with your real friends, sure, but let the parade of acquaintances and past associates go its own way for a while. Consider finding a counselor to talk to–it’s OK to consult for general lifestyle issues as well as for deep & dreadful crises. (If the therapist isn’t a good fit, or sees deep pathology where you only see mild discontentedness, find another one.)
In the longer run, rediscover your faith in yourself and keep going. Everybody has something unique to offer the world; you’re no exception. If marriage isn’t happening, see if you want to make changes by starting or taking a break from online dating, pursuing other activities, or doing whatever else just plain makes you happy even if it doesn’t immediately bring you a significant other. The world somehow senses when we are mostly content with ourselves and our lives, and it somehow responds more positively. It’s not fair but that’s the way it is. More importantly, to paraphrase something I read long ago in a novel or essay by Doris Lessing, life is too short to spend it being unhappy. The world may not notice, but it makes a huge difference to the individual–to YOU.
Please don’t think I have all the answers because I have my own reasons for fighting gloominess–different circumstances, but the same basic idea of “How do I keep myself from wilting when I compare myself to all of the much better-looking competition?” (TMI details: I’m a middle-aged and possibly overeducated job seeker in yes, this yucky economy. Some days it’s really easy for me to feel inadequate, and gloomy.)
Good luck. Hang in there and give yourself lots of permission to avoid people with stereotypical ideas of what you should have done by now. Life is long, and lots of us move through it on our own timetables.
k
QUIT FACEBOOK. Seriously, it was the best thing I ever did while dealing with infertility, but I think it would similarly apply to jobs, relationships, etc. You do not need to compare yourself to other people so much — it’s just not healthy, and I think some of us are more likely to get sucked into it than others.
eek
Those people are probably just like you, pretending to the outside world that all is fine. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. You aren’t a failure at all, but it seems like you aren’t valuing yourself and those things that you have accomplished. Perhaps step away from FB and make some small changes in your life that help you get towards your goals?
Anonmn
Well – you aren’t alone :) I get waves of those sort of feelings too.
And I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but stop measuring life according to other people’s lives, it’s just apples and oranges. Just like you put your best foot forward to the outside world, so do they. You don’t know what stresses they have going on – and that newborn (as precious as they are) is a whole new wrench that’s just been thrown into someone’s life.
Do you like your job? Do you like where you live (even if you don’t own it)? Do you have friends you enjoy and life that more or less like? If any of those things are a “no”, what are you doing to change it? Are you living the best life for YOU that can you can live right now? If not, why not? Those are the questions that are most important for gauging where you are in life.
Herbie
I think everybody gets this way once in awhile re FB. But FB is a performance of identity that’s obviously susceptible to manipulation and distortion. I know we all have That Friend who actually does the depressing/passive-aggressive status updates, but most people don’t choose to share things on FB that would cast them in a negative light.
Sounds like you could use a FB hiatus.
Herbie
Someone should start a BizarroFacebook twitter feed consisting of status updates you’d never in your right mind post to FB.
“Started out the morning by picking my nose; now off to make coffee.”
“Woke up again wondering whether we should just get divorced.”
“Supposed to be working on a presentation but spent most of the morning worrying about whether my skirt is too tight because I’m on my period and super bloaty.”
Anon
I think you just volunteered :)
Different Anon
I really like this idea!
“Got dressed in one of my usual little outfits with the well-fitted jacket, matching top, and too-tight skirt. Why do brownies insist on having calories?!”
“Does anybody else secretly fear that their low-heeled shoes scream ‘I’m too sensible to be stylish?’ ”
“Why does my brain wait to remind me that mayonnaise is fattening until *after* my mouth and emotions have demanded that I include it in my turkey sandwich?”
“I love how the tangle of papers on my desk communicates my utter lack of organization this morning.”
S
HAHA! Thank you for this!
meara
Pshaw–I would probably post any of those as a FB status. :) Especially the first one (though the last one is part of why I don’t friend any current colleagues, only ex-colleagues!)
Another anon
Yeah I get how this feels. I recently figured out that I think I’m actually ready to meet someone and have a relationship after a spectacularly bad short-term romantic liaison which ended up with me being super-hurt by a totally unexpected d-bag. But the point was that I was probably mostly hurt because I hadn’t met anyone I really clicked with for a while (years) and this thing kinda highlighted that ‘wow it’s possible to actually really like someone and want to have a relationship with them’, which is something I have been kinda adverse to for a while. I’m now kinda sad about not having met anyone, even though before the d-bag disaster I was totally fine that I hadn’t which is totally ridiculous and sucky.
So yeah, I get where you’re coming from, but I don’t have any advice other than to try to focus on the other stuff going on and not compare yourself to others (no FB!). I guess the point is that even when you think you want something, the people who have that thing probably have other problems.
*virtual hugs*
Anon
Actually, I wonder if I’m feeling this way precisely because I wasted a year of my life on an a$$hole who convinced me that he couldn’t have a relationship with me because I wasn’t good enough or perfect enough to *make* him want to be in a relationship with me. And of course FB makes me think that I don’t have anymore time to “waste” on being single.
Anyway – yes, no FB, more RL activities, keep chin up, etc. etc.
Thanks for the reminders, everyone. Really, I appreciate it.
zora
@Another Anon – Wow, twilight zone, i thought i had sleep-posted for a minute, because that is EXACTLY what i am going through right now. It is good and sucky at the same time, and that is so frustrating! ugh.
Anyway, to the original Anon, do you have RL friends you can hang out with? If not, make new ones. Or do things you like to do. I was feeling so completely horribly miserable for a long time, but I ended up making a couple of AWESOME friends from this site, and I get to meet up with them and go to museums and the opera and things I like to do. And, I even go do things I want to do by myself, even if no one else wants to, like buy myself tickets to a musical or play I really want to see. And, I started taking a ballet class, which kicks my a$$ but is so much fun. So, do things that YOU really enjoy, since there is no one around to whine about them, things I never did with my ex, bc he ‘wasn’t into it.’
I still have bad days, but it helps to have fun things on my calendar to look forward to, and know that I can do things I really love no matter what else is going on that I can’t control. HUUUGGSSS, and always come here and vent if you need to.
springtime
What people post online is not reality. My FB is all sunshine and lollipops too. Heck, I have some family issues that I’ve spoken about here that very, very few people in the real world world know about. But you know what? I bet most people struggle with something similar and are keeping it under wraps just like me.
Also, as for the BF issue- I can relate. Meeting someone is tough- keep trying without exhausting yourself. I often feel “unlucky” about that too. Be happy being YOU. And being single. I love being single 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time is tough.
Think about all of the wonderful things that you have going for yourself when you get down. That is what is important!
Cora
I quit Facebook over a year ago, and it has immeasurably improved my life. I wasn’t even particularly active on Facebook, but it was still a time suck, and I felt like I was spending all of this time keeping up with people who I barely knew and would never have kept up with “in real life.” Now, I work hard at maintaining the friendships that are really important to me, and that’s it. I feel like I have a lot more emotional energy than I did previously. Facebook necessarily encourages people to put their best face forward, etc., and so the story you’re seeing for any given person is rarely the whole story.
Lalo
Word. After I did it tons of friends expressed how jealous they were that I could do it and they felt like they never could because of far flung family or something.
Cora
Same here. I do occasionally miss out on seeing photos of friends’ new babies, etc. … but my really close friends will just shoot me an email with photos if they think I would like to see them.
Midwest
I think a Facebook break is a good idea. I’m currently on one too because I can’t bear seeing another pregnancy announcement or album of newborn photos. How many people in my life actually know that? Probably 3-4, at most.
To give you perspective — on the surface, I am the person you described. What the world doesn’t know is that I’m recovering from a miscarriage of a much-wanted, long-awaited pregnancy, I struggle with anxiety issues periodically and my extended family looks ‘perfect’ on the surface but in reality we deal with serious problems (alcoholism, eating disorders, divorce) just like everybody else.
Do not measure your self worth based on what you see on Facebook. Facebook is the pretty-picture version of life, not the nitty gritty reality. Everybody is fighting some sort of battle, and all that stuff. HOWEVER, if you know it’s a trigger for feeling bad when otherwise you’re fine, I don’t think there’s any shame in cutting back on FB until you’re in a better place emotionally and can view the pretty pictures with a more neutral eye.
Honey Pillows
I like to think about Facebook as the “society ball” of online social interaction. It’s the face you’re willing to present to company, and reflects little of your actual life.
Everyone dresses up in their nicest clothes, and tries to show how important they are by talking to the society movers and shakers, but you know that when they get home they’re going to put on a stained sweatshirt and yoga pants and watch three hours of The Office while eating leftover Chinese food.
NOLA
One of the very reasons why I am not on FB. While I miss some things, I don’t have to worry about oversharing with my boss (who think it’s the be all end all) or my teenage nephews.
Midwest
Love this analogy.
TO Lawyer
I think FB has a way of making you feel like you’re behind or something – just because it (as others have already said), highlights the good things and milestones in people’s lives. Now that I’m in my mid-20s, I can’t log on FB without seeing at least someone else who is engaged or married. And my gut reaction to all of that news is that I’m behind or my life is lacking in some way because I’m not engaged yet. It took some pep talks, from both myself and a very rational and wise girlfriend to assure myself that I’m not but FB has a way of highlighting those insecurities.
So I would say:
1) make a list of all the things you love about your life, even the ones you think are inconsequential (i.e. being able to eat a baguette and wine for dinner) and remind yourself of those things when you start to feel crappy.
2) i would ease up on the FB if you can’t snap yourself out of it…maybe deactivate your account for a month, to start
3) start doing things to make yourself feel better. Maybe you can’t make yourself meet someone, but you can force yourself to go out, make new friends, try new activities, take a class. All of this is huge!
4) hugs – people don’t talk about it, but a lot of people feel this way. (even the ones on your FB feed whose lives you’re envying). I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time right now.
AAAnon
I hear you because I am in a similar situation. For some reason, I feel happy for the people I like, and annoyed by those I care less for. In addition, have you paid close attention to what people post? I know of a friend who was laid off and she rarely posted status updates. She found work and 2 of the 3 last posts were about going to a concert and paying off her student loans. She clearly is filtering her life experiences.
style advice needed...
TJ
I live in Chicago, and am a Doc. Would appreciate advice on winter footwear that can transition from walking in snow/slush to all day wear. I wear pants.
I do not have an office/safe storage place, so I can’t leave shoes at work to change into. I also move among different buildings/hospitals within one day. It is additionally a problem that most of the pants I wear are long/for heels, so I really need a comfortable boot with an all-day, walkable heel.
I have been looking at the following….. thoughts? Other recs?
http://www.6pm.com/la-canadienne-irene-black-suede?zfcTest=mat%3A1
http://www.6pm.com/stuart-weitzman-snowy?zfcTest=mat%3A1
Am I crazy to be looking at boots this “nice”, as they will only be destroyed in Chicago weather? I would take them to the cobbler to be protected first, but maybe that doesn’t really work…
lucy stone
Between those two, I’d go with the La Canadiennes. I’ve heard great things about that brand and a lot of my friends in the Twin Cities wear them. I also used to sell a lot of Sporto boots and I think they have some styles that would work with pants.
Anon
I have two pairs of la canadiennes that i absolutely love. They are in perfect shape after many years of wear in Chicago winters (one pair I’ve worn for 2 years, one pair I’ve worn for 5 years, both look like new), incredibly comfortable and warm. Good for walking long distances and standing for long periods of time. I can’t recommend any boots more highly. Love, love, love them. That being said, on snowy days I usually wear a pair of Merrill boots to commute (20 minute walk) because they are easier to walk around in/less slippery than a shoe with a heel. Depends on how far you’ll be walking outside. Heeled boots should be ok for a block or two in the snow, but for longer walks I’d suggest flat boots.
EmpLaw
First winter in Chicago? You’ll want flat boots, with good traction, if you have to walk at all. Ice is really the big problem. Is there any way you can get a space in a storage locker? Where will you put your coat? (You can just carry your preferred shoes in with you, and leave the boots and coat together.)
style advice needed...
Thanks all for your thoughts! I think I will still try a low wedge heel, which I think I can manage. I have actually lived in Chicago for several years, and you would not believe what I wear on my feet in winter… most of the time I just get by with simple shoes. Of course, I eventually ruin them in snow and they are never very nice looking …
It is really awful not to have an office/place to put things. I have to carry my coat and bag with me throughout the day. I have had stuff stolen when I leave things unattended in the hospital…
Dressing professional while losing weight?
I started Weight Watchers about six weeks ago, and I’m finding it very effective. However, now all of my clothes looks ridiculous on me. All of my pants have a huge gap at the waist and are generally large all over. I’ve fared slightly better with my dresses and skirts, but not much. I’m about at the half-way point of my weight loss, so I’m hesitant to buy new stuff or get some of this tailored (most of it isn’t worth fixing anyway). I also feel like my body shape is changing a bit, so brands and styles that used to fit probably won’t anymore. Do I go buy some Target stuff to get me through? Do I tailor some now and assume I’ll have to do it again? I work in a business casual office, but have some “I have to look nice” events coming up. Any suggestions?
Cb
Same here, I’ve bought a couple of cheap skirts at the gap to tide me over (until I see my parents for Christmas, my mom likes to but me clothes). Luckily I only need to be professional a few days a week (yay academia) so shortish skirts are ab option, I’ve been wearing a few things but they are way too large and looking kind of ridiculous. My party dress is also one vodka cocktail away from a massive wardrobe malfunction but I still want to lose about 10 lbs so I am hesitant to invest.
I’ve always assumed I was curvy but it turns out, I am straight up and down so I have been having to rethink silhouettes.
Avodah
What about one blazer and one nice silk scarf? I think blazers are okay if they are kind big or somewhat snug (depends on what you wear underneath) and a nice silk scarf can really jazz things up.
Maybe check the sale racks at Banana Republic right now? Personally, I have one or two dresses that I keep in my closet for when I am heavier than normal.
InfoGeek
Target or JCPenney are my solution to clothes during weight loss…..
JessC
This. I also find sticking to sales shopping to be best (that way you’ll spend less and hopefully still get stuff that’s decent quality). When I was losing weight, I just didn’t wear pants/slacks that often. I found skirts and dress to be alot more forgiving when it I was changing sizes.
Cora
Agreed with this. Dresses/skirts are much more forgiving. Macy’s is another good option when you’re going to be changing sizes– not crazily expensive, and frequent sales.
S
Not much advice, but wanted to say congrats! That’s awesome!
violet
Congrats! I say go buy something new at Target or Kohls. Most of the clothes from those places wear out quickly anyway, so you won’t have to feel bad not being able to wear them after a while.
Z.
Congrats! I’ve lost about 50 pounds in the past year, so I can relate to the what-to-wear-during-transition issue. I steered clear of pants and stuck to dresses as much as possible (they’re even more forgiving than skirts). Buy wrap dresses or sheath dresses that have a little stretch or ruching – so they can fit you now a little snug and continue to fit until they’re obviously loose – usually gives you a range of at least 2 sizes, usually 3. JCP has a v-neck ruched jersey dress from their American Living line that I’ve bought in multiple sizes to get me through. Since you’re business casual at the office, buy cardigans (Target or Old Navy) if you need more coverage. For the fancier occasions, you can usually find an embellished cardigan or wrap that can pair with the basic dresses, swap out jewelry for something nicer, put on fancier shoes, and you’re good to go. At the same time, reward yourself for meeting short-term goals (I buy one “nice” piece for every 10 pounds I lose, so I have 1 thing that I know I feel fabulous in).
DC Association
Agree on the wrap or jersey dresses. Also – CONSIGNMENT stores!!
anon
Ha! That’s funny, because every time I see one of my former classmates with a newborn, I think, “wow, having a baby would be so. terrible. at this point in my life right now.” and i feel very happy that my life is currently babyless, and hope it stays that way for a little while yet.
Mpls
Totally just had a dream that I was pregnant (a couple months along), which was weird b/c the ex-bf and had been broken up for over a year (with no contact), and there were no other possibilities. I kept trying to puzzle out what had happened, and how I was going to break the news.
And then I woke up and realized I didn’t have to explain anything to anyone. Phew.
anon in-house
Ditto!
New PM
I need some advice – how do you keep track of requests / emails that you send to other people? My new role involves a lot of project managing through email. I have a to do list, but I’m losing track of things I asked for and I’m still waiting for.
How do you keep track of who replied to your emails, who didn’t, who has yet to send the information you asked for, etc?
Avodah
I am EA at an investment firm, and my supervisors are busy, busy, busy, so I have thousands of emails to track. Outlook folders are best friend. I divide mine by topics (Travel, Expenses, Upcoming Meetings, Personal, Misc., Compliance, and each guy has his folder within those and then for Reports: Quarterly, Q1, Q2, Q3, Q4 and Monthly (divided by month).
Maybe you can do the same with clients and/or colleagues? First divid by topic, then by person or team? Hope this helps!
ADL
Perhaps an excel spreadsheet? A list of tasks, who you assigned, what date you assigned it, what date you asked for it back, and then a notes column(s)?
New PM
Thanks for the feedback. I have to say I “use” a spreadsheet already, but tracking every task on there gets a little hairy. I do already divide emails by folders. I keep thinking there must be a better system to keep track of all these things going on out there, but maybe everyone just goes as it the best they can.
Avodah
Another thing I do is a keep a work “journal”. It isnt terribly detailed, but I log the major tasks I did that day. What way if someone ever asks, I have another record.
Anon-Y
Whenever I send out a request, I add a new task to my to-do list saying when I’m going to next look at the matter or prod for a response if I haven’t received one yet, eg. ” 20 Dec 2012 – Ask XYZ for response to email of 12 Nov 2012.” This works as long as I add the new task once I’ve sent out the request.
InfoGeek
Instead of tracking every task on the spreadsheet, maybe just list in the comments column the last status, which would include “Waiting on response from ______”.
Mountain Girl
Have you read “Getting Things Done” or are you familiar with the system? You might google it and take a quick look to see if it might help keep you organized.
Anon
I agree with this rec. The system works particularly well for the type of info you are trying to track.
KLG
I go into my sent mail and flag things with due dates to remind me to follow up. It’s probably not as organized as some other methods but I do well with the popup reminder.
Meg Murry
A lot of email systems have the option for you to set alarms on messages. Try right clicking on the message you sent and then looking for something like “flag for follow up” you should have an option to set an alarm on the message. Or you might be able to turn the message into a calendar item.
I know one of my customers used to do this – we had an email exchange that said “I’ll get back to you at the end of the month”, on the 30th I would get the original message forwarded back to me that said “What is the status of [this action item]?” . It seemed to work well, as she NEVER forgot to ask for follow up, and kept me on my toes so I didn’t get too many of her reminders that I didn’t get back to her.
S
This sounds very helpful! Do you happen to know if Outlook has this feature?
Additionally, I use my Outlook calendar for reminders. In the 8-9pm slot on the day I expect a response from someone, I create an entry reminding me to check up on it. That way, I can forget about it until then and don’t have to keep a big master list going.
That having been said, my system may not be as efficient if I were dealing with a higher volume of reminders.
I also second the “Getting Things Done” method and would recommend “The Six Minute Lawyer” by Gregory Lois, even if you’re not a lawyer – it’s kind of a clif notes version of the GTD method. Just try not to cringe everytime a word is spelled wrong or there’s a typo…the guy may have actually written it in less than six minutes!
scientist
It does. I use it to track when to remind people that I want things done.
http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/outlook-help/track-e-mail-messages-that-require-follow-up-HA001229901.aspx
ms. pacific
I find outlook “tasks” very helpful for this sort of thing – I drag the email directly into “tasks,” make a note to myself at the top of the email about what I am waiting for, and then make a little numbered checklist if the information in the email is not arranged to my liking.
a.
Hi ladies. I know I haven’t been commenting much lately, but I promise I’ve still been reading! Right now, I could kind of use some advice (and I’m hoping it’s not too late in the thread, blasted time zones; will post in two parts to try and avoid moderation): How does one go about living with someone for whom you have completely lost respect, to the point that you can barely stand to make 30 seconds of conversation in the kitchen with her?
To give a few more details, the guy I’ve been seeing since I got here and I broke up week-before-last. On Thursday, my roommate asked if I minded if they started hooking up. It wasn’t a super-serious relationship, but still, ouch. I told her that I did, indeed, mind, but that they were both adults and I didn’t get to dictate who they slept with. So they’re hooking up now. In and of itself, this stings, and I think it represents a basic lack of empathy (couldn’t they have waited a little while longer?), but it’s the kind of thing I’d get over, given time.
So here are the things that have absolutely wrecked my respect for my roommate. First off, she has a boyfriend, whom she alleges to love. They’ve had some problems recently, but I don’t think that’s an excuse. And she will neither tell him nor break up with him, and alleges that “It has nothing to do with him.” His parents are also paying for her to take an expensive ski vacation over Christmas. Make of that what you will.
a.
She also informed me that the only reason she hadn’t already made a move on my ex (as in, while we were still together) was that we were roommates, and she didn’t want to make it awkward. So she had no compunctions about trying to steal the guy I was seeing (after all, they have “such amazing chemistry”!)—she just didn’t want to put herself through awkwardness when we bumped elbows in the kitchen.
She also just does not, on a fundamental level, seem to understand why I’ve been distant (but civil) since this conversation. She keeps asking me to do things with the two of them, talking about how much she loves hanging out with us, how we’re going to do all this cool stuff, blah blah blah. Like I said, if it was only that they were sleeping together, I’d eventually be fine with it. But the presumption that she gets to 1. keep her boyfriend; 2. sleep with my ex; and 3. have an uninterrupted social life is just something that I cannot even wrap my mind around.
So please, ladies, tell me how the f**k I deal with this, on a day-to-day, we-share-a-bathroom, kind of level. (Or tell me I’m overreacting.) I’m exhausted my anger, but at the same time, I don’t want to be friends with someone who treats people this way. I can’t move out. So…please share your wisdom with me. And sorry about the novel.
anon in-house
Yikes! Clueless at best, horrible person at worst (leaning towards the latter). There is no longer any need for you to maintain social ties with her, I would transition to an arms-length relationship with this person until the very soonest that I could move out. First by declining any and all social outings with her, then eventually cease friendly communications until I got to the point where it is one of those roommate relationships some people have where they never really converse unless necessary. It sucks, but feigning friendship would be worse for my psyche than cold contact like I suggested.
a.
Yeah, I’ve stopped going out with her socially. It’s just that we exist in such a small, Americans-in-small-Spanish-city bubble that it’s virtually impossible to never go to the same social events as her, you know? Unless I want to just stop going to parties/group dinners/whatever. Ugh. I pretty much say hello and respond to any inquiries she makes in the briefest manner possible. But I still feel like stabbing myself in the face every time she tries to chat about our days like we’re BFFs. ARGH
MacKaylaLane
It *can * be done…
tell her you cannot be friends with her so please stop talking about “before”… she should get the message
if you have to be at the same social scene, you can talk to everybody else; if you are forced to talk to her, treat her like this new person you’ve met before but are not friends with…
and small Spanish city as it may be, you can make friends with Spanish people! As in, you don’t HAVE to hang out with the expat community, and just do so when you are dying to hang out with Americans (I get that)…
Em
H*ll no, you’re not over-reacting! This breaks basically every roommate and friendship code I can think of. Are you sure you can’t move out? If not, I’m pretty sure the only way I’d be able to maintain my sanity in that kind of situation is to spend as much time out of the house or in my own room as possible, and certainly she has no right to expect that you behave as if nothing has happened.
a.
That’s what I’ve been doing. Fortunately, I have more other friends than she does! It seems to be working okay, in that I haven’t completely lost it, but I like being able to do things like chill out in the kitchen with a cup of tea. Rrgh. Glad to hear I’m not overreacting, though; I feel like I’m typically pretty laid-back about people being jerks to me (which is both a blessing and a curse), so it’s kind of unusual for me to be THIS worked up over something.
De
Holy mother of all that is decent in the world. I literally sat open-mouthed reading that. Unbelieveable. How much of a penalty is it to break your lease? I would not be friends with her. Are they hooking up at your apartment? Please say no.
a.
The penalty, unfortunately, is too big for me to handle without either begging from the Bank of Parents or hitting my emergency fund, neither of which I want to know.
But at least I don’t think they’re hooking up here, since I specifically told her that I would Not Be Okay with that. Although I just found out he was here Saturday night to bring her something, when I wasn’t, so god only knows what happened. UGH
Always a NYer
I don’t think you’re overreacting. What she’s doing is wrong, and you have every right to not want to associate with her because of it. Unfortunately, you do need to live with her for the time being so while it pains me to write this, it would probably be in your best interest not to completely flip out on her. Be cordial but hold your ground. Tell her you are not comfortable hanging out the three of you and that it would be nice if she stopped talking about your ex that she is now sleeping with because it does bother you, as you’ve already told her. I’d also add something totally agressive like, “And I don’t want to hear about the bf you’re cheating on either.” Her lack of empathy to you makes any niceties I’d normally have go out the window.
So sorry you have to deal with this. Chin up, know she’s in the wrong and that karma is always a b!tch. Do you have any way of locking your bedroom? Just asking because if she get pissed of there’s no telling what people will do. Hugs and empathy your way.
a.
Thanks. The fact that karma is a B is one of the comforts I’m clinging to right now. Unfortunately, can’t lock the bedroom.
Annnnd I just heard her tell her sister, who she’s skyping with, that my ex is coming over to hang out tonight. Universe, I ask you, what have I done to deserve this?
MaggieLizer
Any hobbies you can take up? Preferably ones that make loud, obnoxious noises, like using a table saw or a jackhammer, or just vacuuming obsessively? Perhaps you can develop a new appreciation for death metal?
AMB
Not overreacting! My mouth was hanging open by the end of this. I can’t ever, in a MILLION years, imagine hooking up with my roommate’s ex. So many nos.
She sounds completely self involved so I don’t know if she’ll really notice/get it but say NO to any hanging out involving the three of you. You’re working late, have to go the gym – you just don’t need to put yourself in that situation. If she kind of clues in and asks why, you tell her you said you weren’t comfortable with the situation and really don’t want to hang out with them. And perhaps take this as an occasion to start doing lots of stuff out of the house, to minimize the time you might be there, until you can move.
a.
She is, indeed, turning out to be one of the most self-involved people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Seriously, I flat-out don’t have friends that act like this, so it’s kind of a new ballgame for me, where I’m feeling out the rules as I go along. Ugh.
eek
Are you rooming with her in Spain? Is BF 1 in the United States?
a.
Yup. We knew each other socially before moving in together, but not all that well. Her BF’s in the States. He seems like a decent guy, too (her complaints about him are things like “He’s too nice!” and “Ugh, he considers our relationship when planning his future”), so I don’t think she gets the BF-is-a-DOOSH pass.
Herbie
OMG she is actually Regina George.
“But let me just tell you something about Aaron… all he cares about is school and his mom and his friends…”
De
@ Herbie… “you can’t like Aaron! That’s just like, the rules of feminism!”
JessC
You don’t have to hang out with her. If she asks you, decline (make up stuff if you have to). Try to spend as much time outside the apartment as possible and keep to yourself when you’re there. And MOVE OUT. Ultimately, I think that’s way this situation has to end. Figure out what the soonest time you can feasibly move out and make it happen.
a.
I really wish I could, but it’s not financially feasible :\ Ugh. I’ve definitely been spending a lot of time out on the trails, or hanging out with other people, which are the only reasons I haven’t throttled her yet.
Divaliscious11
I don’t condone violence……but I understand how it happens in cases like this….. because it would be REALLY hard to resist a good smack……
a.
My friend says I should train my dog to attack her. Have given it some thought.
KC
Is it bad I chuckled at this?
Sending lots of good vibes your way for being very mature about the whole situation. I’ll echo the “spending time outside the apt” advice. No need to go out of your way to feign being nice. I’d definitely minimize interaction and decline all invitations to hang out with her. If you’re at the same event, just keep with your friends.
As an aside, does your ex know she has a bf?
NOLA
a., you have just described the very reason why I decided, at about your age, that I would never live with another person who was not my significant other. Hugs and sympathy. What a mess. You definitely don’t need to socialize with her. She is a troll.
a.
Thanks. Definitely wishing I had the place to myself right now.
Cufflinks
Since she’s afraid of awkward – why not make it awkward for her? I know that’s the passive-aggressive and not very grown-up approach, but boy would I love to make her life hell! Tell her on every occasion how you think she is breaching every friendship or even room-mate code, how she is a bad person for cheating on her boyfriend, how you don’t want your ex around the apartment because he broke your heart or whatever. (Can you tell I’m in a kind of similar situation right now? And, like you, being the bigger and nicer person. But you can at least imagine the kind of things you would like to say to her…)
De
Or ask how her boyfriend is doing, whether she’s looking forward to the ski trip, what she’s going to get his mom for Christmas. I might have done taken this approach in the past….
Cufflinks
Or if she thinks he would still take her on that ski trip if he knew about the other guy. Not suggesting you should ask her that – just imagine what her face would look like if you did!
a.
Oh my god if she could hear my mental dialogue! I would love to hear her try and justify away all that sh*t.
Also, is it bad that I am deriving a significant amount of pleasure from waving down at them from my moral high ground? And word, sister, being the bigger, nicer person is hard. But I keep telling myself that it will ultimately be worth it, and that karma is a b***h.
Cufflinks
It IS ultimately worth it. And she’ll feel the consequences sooner or later. Hang in there!!!
zora
Yeah, exactly, just keep thinking about Karma, gurl. Wow, i can’t even absorb how horrible and f-ed up this is, and i reallly feel for you. But honestly, if I was on the verge of rage like you are right now, and stuck, so couldn’t move out (which is what i did when i had a similar sitch) I would jsut try to kill her with kindness. Avoid her as much as you can, but when you have to see her or respond to something, just try to be ridiculously, insincerely nice about it. “Oh, no, i can’t go out with you tonight, but thanks!” and Exit Stage Left. ;o) This would just be for keeping my own sanity, bc i can’t be mad forever and i would wear myself down with the stress of being so angry. By taking the high road and being super nice but passively aggressively shutting her down, you can congratulate yourself for WINNING by not letting her get to you.
You might not be able to hang out in the kitchen, which does suck. So, you might have to just hunker down in your room most of the time. (Also what I did). Which is irritating, but if it means less interaction, try to embrace it. Plus, you have the pooch to hang out in your room with you, so, that makes it a little better right?
And; Trans-Atlantic Internet Hugs!! Hope the rest of your Spanish adventure is fun!! ;)
hellskitchen
Can you let your broader circle of friends know about this situation and ask that they include you more in any plans they have or come over to your place to hang out just with you? You sound like you need to be distracted and having friends over or going out more could help. Esp if she plans on having your ex over to your place to hang out. That’s just not done
momentsofabsurdity
I wish you could send her this.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/rules-for-sleeping-with-my-roommate-you-crazy-person/
style advice needed...
Sorry for the double post. Still learning about why moderation happens…
TJ
I live in Chicago, and am a Doc. Would appreciate advice on winter footwear that can transition from walking in snow/slush to all day wear. I wear pants.
I do not have an office/safe storage place, so I can’t leave shoes at work to change into. I also move among different buildings/hospitals within one day. It is additionally a problem that most of the pants I wear are long/for heels, so I really need a comfortable boot with an all-day, walkable heel.
I have been looking at the following on 6pm….. thoughts? Other recs?
La canadienne irene black suede
Stuart Weitzman snowy
Am I crazy to be looking at boots this “nice”, as they will only be destroyed in Chicago weather? I would take them to the cobbler to be protected first, but maybe that doesn’t really work…
Read more: https://corporette.com/2012/11/12/gucci-wool-blend-blazer/#ixzz2C1w077cI
emcsquared
Glasses TJ: I developed an eye twitch several months ago, and the doctor suggested that glasses to correct my very slight astigmatism might help. I’m skeptical but also desperate, so I think I might get the glasses.
I don’t want to spend tons of money (less than $150 would be great), but I do want glasses that fit well in case they work and I end up wearing them consistently. Designer names don’t matter to me, and I expect I’ll get a second pair if they work really well, so longevity isn’t a big deal either.
Anyone have suggestions for someplace that does cheap-ish glasses with hands-on fitting help? I’m in a major metropolitan area and have a car, so we’ve got all the usual suspects (Lenscrafters, Sears, etc). I’m tempted to steer clear of the online places because of the fit issues.
Maddie Ross
I have horrible (terrible!) eyesight, and have since second grade. For that reason, my glasses are always expensive, and generally pretty thick unless I pay big bucks to have special lenses. That said, I’ve never had any problem with Lenscrafters and have purchased several pairs of glasses there. Mine cannot be done in any hour (because of the lens requirements), and I generally spend at least $300 on a pair of glasses with designer frames, but my husband (with “less bad” vision) can get his done there in an hour and for less than $200.
I’d love to be able to do the online ordering sites and have “fun” glasses, but with my eyesight it doesn’t seem possible.
De
Ugh, we’ve got the same eyes. My glasses from 2010 are now too old for my rx, but I can’t afford a new pair because of the expensive lenses!
AIMS
I have glasses from Warby Parker. I don’t wear them all the time, but I am generally very happy with them. Each pair is $95 and they donate a pair for each one purchased. Unless you’re in NY or San Fran, they are online only – BUT they ship pairs for your to try at home free of charge. I don’t look awesome in most glasses, and I tried on a million pairs, inc. very shmancy ones, and these were the best for me.
Also, it sounds like you already did this – but having the a good eye doctor properly fit your Rx is very important for how comfortable your glasses will be.
a.
Warby Parker is the best! OP, I know you want a brick-and-mortar store, but it really can’t hurt to do the home try-on :)
NOLA
Until my eyes got really bad and my expectations for frames got higher than what our little store could provide, I didn’t really well at Lenscrafters. That said, I also ordered computer glasses from Zenni Optical (online) and I had no problem with fit at all. You either measure your pupil distance or have your doctor provide it, and you upload a picture and “try on” frames. It worked beautifully for me.
Sasha
Lens Crafters is convenient. JC Penney is a little cheaper and still has a decent selection. Some Targets have optical sections, too.
LF
Warby Parker has some retail outlets. http://www.warbyparker.com/showrooms#warbyparker
Ebro fin
Go to Costco. They have OK, not great frames, at your $150 price point, although sometimes you can find some very nice frames. They do a ton of fittings, so you know the person that fits your glasses is experienced, and you can go back and have them adjusted any time.
emcsquared
I don’t know anyone with a Costco membership, but my parents have a Sam’s Club membership; I wonder if Sam’s Club’s eyewear department is similar to Costco’s?
Jules
No specific recs but I’ve had okay experiences with both Lenscrafters and Eye Mart (which might be a regional chain) in that price range. I wouldn’t order a first pair online because you’ll want to try on different styles to see what looks good on you. I really love black hipster-nerd-architect frames but when I tried some on they looked absolutely terrible on my face. (Oh, and round ones make me look like a bug.) At a minimum, you should go to a B&M location to try on different frame styles to see what shape works for you before you order online.
anon
I’m looking for suggestions on how to relax. I’m realizing that I’m terrible at just relaxing in a way that is really good for me. I work in BigLaw, have kids, have a husband, am really busy, and I just feel like I can’t ever give myself time to relax because the minute I sit down, all I can think about is the endless to-do list. But what ends up happening is that I crash in front of the TV at 9:00. What I’d like to do is figure out a way to allow myself to relax in a less zoned-out, more productive way. (As I’m typing this, I realize that I sound incoherent.) The issue is really that my husband wants more calm, relaxing time with me — playing board games, discussing politics, just chilling out, occasional LGPs–and I can’t figure out a way to allow myself to do that. None of those things even sound relaxing to me — they just sound like distractions from the to-do-list. The other issue is that I find TV-watching to be relaxing, and he does not. Any tips on how to give yourself permission to step away from the To-Do List?
Mpls
Put Relaxing on the To-Do list? And if your husband wants you to relax with him on his terms, also make a point to relax on your own terms. So maybe one night it’s board games with hubby – either b/c you also find it relaxing or because you want to spend time with him, then the next night it’s catching up on Revenge/Scandel/etc. so you can unwind in your own way.
Also, are you writing the to-do list down somewhere, or just letting it swirl about in your head? If you write it down (in a consistent spot, so you know where to find it later), then you aren’t frantically trying to remember all the things you are supposed to do b/c you’ve got it out of your head and on paper.
Mary Jo
Meditation tapes. Weekly massage.
Divaliscious11
Can you outsource things on your to do list?
Anna
Maybe some kind of yoga class or meditation/mindfulness exercise? In a lot of yoga classes, part of the exercise is to stop thinking about all of the things you need to do and focus on the present moment instead. It doesn’t even have to be a specific thing like going to a class, just committing to an hour of relaxation is the important part of it.
You have to set aside the hour which might not work, but once you have the time scheduled and you manage to show up, all you need to do is focus on what you’re doing at the moment instead of focusing on all the other stuff going on in your life. You can’t usually relax and be productive at the same time, let it go.
It also seems like you might need some alone time to relax vs your husband wanting to relax together.
BMBG
As an added bonus, you’d get some exercise, which will both help you relax and make you feel like you’ve accomplished something that’s good for you!
scientist
Perhaps you can look at this a little differently. Your husband is looking for time to connect with you. I know, he phrased is as relaxing, but since you don’t think of those items as relaxing, he sounds as if he wants to connect with you. What are some activities that you do together that you find make you feel more connected with him? I find that putting on music and talking (even if we’re up cleaning) or finding shows that we want to talk about together makes me feel more connected to the SO. We’re also going to start walking in the evenings, and I think that will help.
I’d also agree with trying to pare down the to-do list. What can be farmed out? What can he do? What can just not be done?
Finally, you do need some solo relaxation time. Meditation/yoga/exercise might work. If TV works for you, then doing that some.
LadyEnginerd
Can you and your husband agree to knock off five items on the home to-do list and then do something “relaxing” as a reward? I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who is keeping all the balls in the air even if we just have *different* balls we’re juggling. Having concrete proof that I’m not in it alone (like when we clean the apartment together, or when he cooks dinner while I take care of other stuff) makes me feel better and makes it easier for me to relax.
e_pontellier
I don’t know if you’re still checking this, but an extremely busy partner at the firm where I worked before law school did ballroom dance lessons with his wife. Maybe a slightly more active activity with your DH would give you guys time to connect without letting your mind hit up your to-do list?
anon
Thanks all for these great suggestions. I love the ballroom dancing idea — if only we had a babysitter! But that’s a problem I can solve. I agree that my husband wants to connect with me – I need to figure out a better way to do that. I totally agree that I can relax more when I know he’s working on the to-do list as well.
I already do outsource a LOT, and the stuff that remains on the list is stuff that either can’t be outsourced (financial planning, exercise) or stuff that I don’t want to outsource (taking care of my daughter). I like the idea of coming up with a better to do list.
Thanks again, ladies! My response is a little incoherent, but trust that all of these ideas are really helpful.
Tara
I’m sure this has been discussed on here before, but dry skin is already rearing its ugly head this winter. Does anyone have a recommendation for a great face moisturizer. I use Philosophy Hope in a Jar in the summer, but its too light to combat my really dry skin. I bought the Burt’s Bees on a recommendation, but its still not super moisturizing. I want something really thick and mousurizing. Ideally inexpensive — I’ll spend $30ish, but I’m not willing to shell out $200.
eek
Both of my recommendations are more than $30, but I like Josie Maran’s argan oil (lasts about 6 months) and Kate Somerville’s Quench Hydrating Face Serum (comes in regular and oil free).
anon
I received a sample of the argan oil from Sephora over the weekend, and used it this morning on top of my moisturizer, I really like it.
Baby DC Attorney
I just started using this stuff: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bobbi-brown-hydrating-gel-cream/3117375?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=0 and it is amazing! A bit over the $30 pricepoint, but totally worth it in my opinion.
meme
I use Cetaphil cream on my super dry face all winter.
Crewlady
I second this! I use a lighter moisturizer in the mornings and put the cetaphil crea, not lotion, on top or at night on the days my face feels really dry. I also use it all over in the winter, it is amazing and cheap. Get t at target, etc.
Divaliscious11
Kiehl’s Creme D’Elegance is wonderful, but over just a bit your price point. ($50 ish)
Tara
It looks like I can get a 2 oz size for $29. That way, I can see if I like it. Reviews are good.
anon in-house
Clarins HydraQuench, got it on Gilt so it was at your price point on there but higher if you must get it via retail.
anon
My Paula Beguon moisturizer isn’t really enough in the winter either, so I pat a little Mayumi Squalene Oil on top of my moisturizer, and wait a few minutes to let it soak in before applying foundation. Works well, and lasts quite a while.
anon
Only $14 at vitacost.com
http://www.vitacost.com/mayumi-squalane-skin-oil
ANP
This happened to me and I started removing my makeup with good old-fashioned cold cream. It’s SUPER moisturizing (and I’m sure full of ingredients I’m not supposed to put anywhere near myself/my body) and does the trick. Good luck!
Z.
I have crazy dry skin but am also acne prone (love how that didn’t go away, even in my mid 30s). After years of hunting and dozens of trial runs, I finally found the AmorePacific line – the Moisture Bound Rejuvenating Creme is hands down the best thing I’ve ever found. Over your price point (sorry), but Sephora just started carrying it and they’ll usually give you a sample that can last a week or so for you to try it out.
Cora
I’m a big fan of Clinique Moisture Surge Extended Thirst Relief. I think the smaller jar (which lasts quite a while) is $37.
MacKaylaLane
Kiehl’s Pantenone cream was under $30 and AMAZING all winter