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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Helena Blazer in Stretch-Linen Blend

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A woman wearing an ivory blazer, black top, light-blue jeans, and gold jewelry

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Linen can be a controversial choice for officewear, but I do like a linen-blend blazer as a lightweight topper for the hot summer months.

A friend of mine spent the first few years of her legal career at a very formal firm where all lawyers were expected to be in business formal attire every day. Even if you stepped out for lunch, the unofficial rule was that if you were still close enough to see the building, you’d better still be wearing a blazer or suit jacket.

This is where the linen-blend blazer would have come in handy. Still formal, but light enough that you won’t get heatstroke when you run out to grab a sandwich.

This one from J.Crew comes in seven colors and a fantastic range of sizes. I like the ivory, but the “vintage red” would be a great punch of color. 

The blazer is $198 at J.Crew and comes in classic sizes 000–24, petite sizes 00–12, and tall sizes 2–20. 

Here are two more affordable options: This Open Edit blazer for $89.50 at Nordstrom (sizes XXS–XXL) and this Old Navy blazer (regular, tall, and petite up to 4X).

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

371 Comments

  1. Book recommendations please!

    My birthday is coming up and I want to spend the day getting lost in a great book. I’ve been in a reading slump lately though. The last books I absolutely adored were the Golden Enclave series and Fourth Wing series so maybe I’m looking for fantasy? But I usually enjoy a wide range of books so please share any genre.

    1. I’ve loved the Cinder Spires by Jim Butcher so far. The 2nd volume just came out in Nov. It hits a particular genre sweet spot of mine: Napoleonic-type naval military in a fantasy setting–in this case, it’s steampunk airships and aeronauts.

      I read and liked (didn’t love) both series you mention. I tend not to be in it for the romance story line. I do adore sentient creatures with a separate social structure, like the dragons in Fourth Wing. Cinder Spires has sentient cats!

      1. Have you read Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series? Napoleonic wars…with dragons! Also Gail Carriger’s Parasol Protectorate series (steampunk werewolves/ vampires but more adventure-forward than romance-forward). Both are pretty fun.

    2. Fantasy: Spinning silver by Naomi Novik
      Science fiction: Ann Leckies Ancillary series, Some desperate glory by Emily Tesh

    5. Bear and the Nightingale (Winternight Trilogy) is an under-the-radar fantasy that I loved!

    6. The novel ‘Brooklyn’ has a new sequel out called ‘Long Island’ – maybe see if those suit your taste?

      1. I want to read that because I LOVE Brooklyn, but from the summary it sounds like Tony cheats on Ellis which is devastating. :(

    8. The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo- historical fiction/fantasy. Also if you haven’t read the Bear and the Nightingale series by Katherine Arden that is one of my favorites.

    9. Neither one of these is fantasy. :)

      Book: The Women by Kristin Hildebrandt

      Series: The Cormoran Strike and Robin Ellacott novels by Robert Galbraith. Especially the last 3 or 4. I had read the first few and then it was recommended here last year sometime, with someone saying the last few were really really good – whoever you were, you were totally right. I genuinely wish I could read this series for the first time again. I will re-read again.

      1. The Women was SO good. Author is Kristin Hannah :) her book The Great Alone is one of my all time favorites and would also be a great candidate for OP’s needs.

        1. Good catch! Palm in face.

          I love The Great Alone! I really, really didn’t like Four Winds though.

    11. The shadow and bone series is really good if you like fantasy. It’s better than the netflix series adaptation imo.

    12. If you haven’t read them yet NK Jemisin’s Broken Earth series is amazing, I think she’s one of the only authors to win the Hugo award three times in a row for each book.

    13. Another vote for a court of thorns and roses. It got me out of my fourth wing slump!!! Book 2 is the best though

    14. The Starless Sea! If you want a story about characters that literally get lost in stories! One of my favorite books, comforting with just enough action and I find the whole thing just charming – It’s about love and books and stories and myths and fables and doors and bees and keys. It’s like an Alice in Wonderland, The Arabian Nights mobius strip with a happy ending.

      Renee Ahdiehs Rose and Dagger or The Flame in the Mist

    15. Recognizing I haven’t read the series you mentioned:
      – The Lady Astronaut series by Mary Robinette Kowal- first book is The Calculating Stars
      – The 1000th Floor trilogy by Katharine McGee (she also wrote the American Royals series which I also like, but liked 1000th floor more- it was like gossip girl in a dystopian future)

    16. I’m reading The Covenant of Water right now by Abraham Verghese and it’s hard to put it down!

    17. In addition to what’s already been mentioned (many of which I agree with), the Daevabad Trilogy by SA Chakraborty, Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House/Hell Bent (though I think Six of Crows in the Shadow and Bone universe is her best), and The Ten Thousand Doors of January by E Alix Harrow

    18. If crime novels are your thing, the Inspector Gamache series by Louise Penney is fantastic in a very old-school way.

    19. The Slow Horses book series – the show is good but the books are so excellent – great characters, funny, and easy to get lost in.

  2. It’s 2024 and all I wear are colored chinos with slightly cropped legs (unavoidable) and some black elastic-back pants from JCF. I put the skinnies in a bin but cannot imagine going back to them — they feel so tight now (they might also be a size smaller than I need — it’s almost hard to tell).

      2. Not the OP, but I had good luck with Loft pants in stretch twill this year. I went up a size so needed to get a few pairs.

      3. It might not be exactly what the OP wears, but I absolutely love the Sanctuary Rebel pants.

    2. I had to check to make sure I didn’t write this. I wear navy blue chinos that are also slightly cropped/ankle length because I’m tall and it’s inevitable. I buy them on eBay or Mercari, they are past season Talbots because I know my size at Talbots and it always fits.

      That’s pretty much it for me and pants. I wear straight leg jeans too, but not as often as the chinos. :)

    3. I am wearing so many non-jeans pants these days. It’s been a refreshing change, especially since the denim trends do not work in my favor at the moment.

  3. How many chances does Trump get to violate the gag order? We joked that the college protest response was permissive parenting in a nutshell, but now it’s got competition.

      1. So on-brand. I’m less optimistic; I think that it’s going to activate more MAGA voters than it turns off.

        1. Neutral to positive for the MAGAs, but I think there were a lot of reluctant voters who may just shrug and not show up in 2024.

          1. Agree about the reluctant voters. The shrug and not show up is a net win for Trump though.

    2. I liked the opinion piece I read somewhere that suggested that instead of jail time for gag order violations, he be sentenced to picking up trash in a public park. Way easier for secret service to protect him.

    3. Well, perhaps this does boil down to permissive parenting, as Trump and my uncle who dropped out of school to protest the Vietnam War and then other injustices are of the same era. Guess that “trend” has been going on since at least the 40s.

  4. what are you wearing on your feet with summer dresses to work? something other than sneakers or really skimpy/bare sandals? suggestions!?!?

    3. Loving the Vince Demi loafer, in tan. Sort of between a ballet flat and a loafer, super comfortable, gorgeous leather, no breaking in period.

    4. A sandal with a low block heel on days I need to be presentable

      Birkenstocks on days I don’t need to be presentable

  5. Very anon for this but interested in how others would react. My husband’s sister has two kids that we’ve been close with their entire lives – one is graduating college, the other is a few years older. We set up trust accounts for both kids when they were small to evenutally be a small nest egg post college. The accounts are roughly 20k each and are available upon them turning 21. We have now had conversations with both kids to let them know about the funds, their options, and how to contact the financial advisor to make a decision about what to do with management.
    The issue – we have not received a ‘thank you’ from either child. One said “oh, cool” upon being told, the other just said ‘oh, ok, I’ll look into that’. Not a word of thanks from their parents either. I’m certainly not asking for a ticker tape parade here but my husband is crushed and I’m sad/angry/disappointed. They are both working class kids (as are my husband and I) and I would have been over the moon thrilled if I got a surprise $20k upon graduation. I don’t know what to do here other than silently stew and comfort my husband that yes, this is sh*tty behavior and we will not be making any more large gifts moving forward. We’ll see them next over the summer for family birthdays/graduation parties – do we say anything? Or just let it go and direct our gifts towards charities moving forward?

    1. Omg. I posted here once about being sad to not get so much as a text thank-you for birthday and Christmas gifts for my nephew, but this takes the cake. I’m sorry, but that’s a failure of parenting on your SIL and spouse’s part. I don’t even know how you move forward. You have EVERY right to be hurt.

    2. oh this rankled me RIGHT up. Is it the kind of relationship where your husband could talk to his sister? She might not know the kids weren’t expressing gratitude and it’s their job to thank you, not hers. (Her job was to raise kids who know how to do it.)

      1. Yes, Cat. I so agree with you on raising kids who know how. After years of not getting a thank you for gifts, my sister confronted me at a funeral to ask why I have been distant. Among my list of grievances which I did not want to air on this very sad day, I mentioned that I have never received one thank you. She replied that she has never sent anyone a thank you! I just thought, wow, how are we related.

        1. I think you having this discussion at a funeral was a bad move, no matter how rude I might think your sister had been for not thanking you.

    4. first of all that is very generous and thoughtful of you!!! while it sounds like this is the largest gift you’ve ever given them, how have they responded to past gifts? have they been thankful? i do kind of understand why the parents might feel awkward saying thank you. maybe they aren’t ready to have access to this kind of cash? can you raise the age of receiving the trust to 25? i have a wealthy great uncle who was very very generous to my family and i always called to say thank you even though it was a super awkward phone conversation bc he is an introvert who doesn’t like talking. you say you are close with the kids – what does that mean exactly? you see them frequently? talk to them frequently?

      1. Past gifts have generally been given in person, so thanked in person or via a quick text (thanks for the bday card with money kind of thing). They are not a ‘write a thank you note’ kind of family which bugs me but I can get over that. We generally spend major holidays together and then see each other more in the summer – a week or so on vacation together and a long weekend or visit to their hometown. My kids are teens as well so during the year everyone has their own stuff going on and we’re not in the same state so hard to see each other for informal things.
        The older child chose to leave the money to be managed by our advisor so it can grow for future use (we don’t know the balances any longer but I’d guess it’s close to $25k now based on standard ETF returns). Not sure what the younger child will do – full access is granted upon turning 21 in a few months. They are UTMAs and we already designated the age the funds would be turned over so that can’t be changed.

        2. We are not a thank card family either although I raised my son to be grateful. First, I wasn’t raised to do it but I do know better. The real reason is I don’t know which of us is more scattered – me or my son. When he was little, something like a card, writing and a stamp and maiing was overwhelming for me to get him to do. I have a drawer of unsent cards, many of them addressed but not stamped. Some just purchased. But for a gift like that — it would be close to a ticker tape parade.

    5. They’re adults and presumably you have an independent relationship with them so I’d personally address it and be honest. “Hey nephew, I’m not sure if you understood but uncle and I saved a lot of money we could have spent in other ways to help you get a start in life. We were really disappointed that you didn’t even say thank you. We didn’t need to do that you know.”

    6. I do think it’s worth either your husband communicating to his sister how upset he was not to hear thanks, or for word to get back to her via a shared parent.

      1. If that happens, the sister better have a shred of decency and not relay it to the kids as “ugh, your annoying aunt and uncle are insisting on a thank you.” If it were me, I would be absolutely mortified and my kids would be losing privileges over their incredible rudeness.

        1. Same.

          DH does a lot of entry level hires and he gets the spill over a lot when he gives out promotions and bonuses. The uh, shrug is such a bad look.

          1. What does one expect for a promotion or a bonus? Why thank someone for what was earned and isn’t coming out of their own pockets?

          2. Yes, but I have a different take. “They give you money” is what Don Draper says you get for doing your job. You got paid. That was the transaction, so no thanks for the paycheck you expected. But the promotion or bonus to me says they are recognizing going beyond, so they thank you with a promotion or more money. I think we thanks them for recognizing that. Not that it wasn’t earned, but for taking the time to notice the effort (isn’t this what the “thanks in the home” people are getting at?).

          3. I don’t mean to threadjack, but my boss always looks disappointed when I don’t seem excited at my 2% COLA increase or my contractually-required bonus. Am I really supposed to thank him for that?

          4. How is a contractually-required bonus not just salary paid in a lump sum? To me, a bonus is an above-and-beyond thing.

          5. For those asking, earned is relative and it misses the point that a lot of bosses go to bat for their employees in limited budget environments. Yes, you earned it but the thanks at least acknowledges the work your boss probably did to get you that number.

          7. I always said thank you. When I managed a large department of mostly entry level people I realized how hard my manager had probably had to fight to get my bonuses, because I definitely had to do that to get them for my staff. F50 company. This is not unique to that company! Most of my friends who have worked at other corporations say it’s the same there.

            So say thank you!

          2. Omg, they’re actually adults?! I misread and thought they were graduating high school and receiving a college fund. Even worse!!!!

        1. Not the Anon above; however, that was exactly my thought. People can also freeze when they feel like a bigger Thing is in order but don’t know how to do it, and don’t know that going for the “at least it gets the job done” option is far preferable to nothing.

          1. Ugh. If you freeze in the moment, that is what the telephone (remember that) or the U.S. Mail is for. OMFG it is not that hard.

        2. Since freezing up would be my response at that age, I think it’s plausible. I probably would have also tried to give the money back out of guilt that somehow OP was shortchanging her own kids.

          1. +1, I probably would have frozen at that age as well. I also would have felt embarrassed.

      2. +1, this was my initial thought as well. Yes, they are adults but they are very very very young adults and might not know what’s appropriate in the moment. They might realize this requires a response different from “Oh, thanks so much for my $30 birthday gift!” – but have no idea what to actually say.

    8. Any chance they are a little overwhelmed and do the know what to say? I bet in a few years they’ll be more articulately grateful

      1. This. I’m very much an adult and feel uncomfortable when my aunts give me gifts. I feel like I’m too old for it and feel awkward. Also, some people may feel uncomfortable and indebted to you for such a large gift.

        1. But you still know how to say thank you even when you feel awkward, right? You know that feeling awkward isn’t an excuse to be rude?

          1. Yes but I also don’t want to feel indebted to my family members and I’m just as happy not receiving gifts.

        2. My SIL sends my son checks in the mail and it upsets me because he makes more as a college intern than she does on her cleaning or hostess jobs. He knows it, too. She is broke but I would never tell her not to send a gift to him. He does thank her though, right away.

          1. I+1000. We can’t lament the decrease of civility in the world and also come up with a million excuses why not to express gratitude. We can do hard things. This is not hard.

      2. I had same reaction – it’s a shocking gift! I’d think in a few days you’d recover and muster out huge appreciation, though.
        At the end of the day, you gave the gift to help steward these kids to adulthood, not to be thanked. I’d try to focus on that.

        1. Part of stewarding them is teaching them that it’s not OK to not say thank you for someone else’s generosity.

    9. I feel like it is very generational and a fail for the parental generation.

      My husband did that for his nephew (I’m new on the scene) and the kid never thanked him. Which shouldn’t be a surprise. Christmas and birthday gifts were never acknowledged, much less thanks sent for them, and a college-funding gift wasn’t treated any better.

      1. Same for me; I have never received even acknowledgement of the gifts my nieces and nephews get. I have a TFSA set aside for my one, particularly disadvantaged niece and goddaughter. I don’t expect it will ever change. It’s sad. My best friend’s kids always send a note.

        1. I don’t need a note, a text or a call or an in-person thanks will do. Wanting a signed, stamped, mailed thank-you card is not a hill I’m going to die on with family. But I do expect basic manners – “thanks” will do.

    10. If you told 21 year old me that I had to get a financial advisor, I would have been totally overwhelmed. I now have a net worth well over a million and still don’t have a financial advisor and think they’re mostly scammers. I think it’s definitely possible that you went about this in a way that is making them feel guilty and burdened by an otherwise generous gift.

      1. Nope, nope, nope. This is not the OP’s fault. Sometimes the stretches here to blame OP would be laughable if they weren’t so rude.

        1. Did I say I was blaming OP? I’m explaining why the kids might have reacted strangely. I also agree with the post below- large gifts within generations of a family set up strange dynamics. It would be one thing if the kids had genuine financial hardship and really needed the money, but otherwise it feels off to me and I can understand why they don’t want to feel beholden to the rich aunt and uncle. It feels crappy that their parents can’t do the same. I wouldn’t give them tons more money for that reason, not because they haven’t shown appropriate gratitude in this case, though I suspect that the two things might be related. Show your love by being there and providing support when they need it, not surprise money they didn’t ask for and don’t necessarily need (a college fund they’d known about since childhood would also feel different to me).

          1. I agree. It was a really nice thing OP did but I also get why the kids are uncomfortable with it.

          1. I haven’t seen anyone excuse the kids’ behavior?? I and others are wondering whether they’re just selfish and entitled and poorly brought up (possible!), or whether they might have responded appropriately to a smaller gift but were rude (yes, rude!) because the gift was larger. OP may have more context for whether they ordinarily respond this way to gifts.

    11. Look, you’re allowed to feel your feelings, and I get why not hearing “thank you” would be disappointing.

      But what would you possibly hope to accomplish with a confrontation? Do you think it would help you feel better? Do you think after they’re properly shamed, then they’d also be properly appreciative? That’s not how this will work.

      Plus “oh cool” IS an expression of appreciation, even if it wasn’t the exact words you’d wanted to hear. You also didn’t just hand them $20k cash. You gave them $20k that now they have to take a bunch of extra steps to use. That’s a gift that they will look back on years from now and feel extremely grateful for, but right now it probably doesn’t exactly feel like “real money.”

    12. Maybe no more large gifts is the desired outcome, if the gift is making the family feel awkward or burdened or pressured in some way? Even in families, charity can sometimes provoke feelings of shame or inadequacy if those are already present to some degree. The reaction was still inappropriate, but either they don’t understand what this means and can’t appreciate or take advantage of it, or I wonder if there’s a feeling that there are strings attached or that it’s awkward for a relationship they value in other ways (since you say you’re close).

      2. If they’re college age and they don’t understand what it means and/or they don’t understand that you say thank you even if you feel awkward, then clearly they’re not ready for college anyway and the critiques of modern parenting are legit.

        1. Happy to grant that their education and upbringing failed to prepare them and that financial illiteracy and poor social skills are bad things!

          It does make sense to me that working class kids would be less prepared than middle class kids for this kind of gift (especially if they aren’t sure that accepting the gift is the correct course of action). If you want a gift and appreciate it, it’s very obvious that you should thank someone, even if you feel awkward! Should you always thank someone for a gift you aren’t sure you even should be accepting for some reason? A gift you weren’t expecting or planning on that may feel like it requires you to change your life in some ways? Yes it’s cowardly and unskilled to just side step the issue and keep the gift, but there’s no explanation of their response that doesn’t involve their being unskilled. I can’t tell if they were more uncomfortable because they do not feel entitled, maybe not even entitled enough to want to accept the gift, vs. just completely entitled and therefore ungrateful.

          I married young and remember writing thank you notes after my wedding and feeling briefly at a loss when some of the in-laws gave generous amounts of money. The wedding cards from my family included checks for $40 or so. I wasn’t sure at first if was supposed to write the exact same thank you note for $40 and $$$$ though I did after a moment’s thought realize the answer was “yes of course.” I think in person I might have just been speechless.

          1. (Speechless for the same amount of time, I mean, before mentally processing and thanking someone appropriately, because that is what I was raised to do. But I appreciate I was able to do so at a desk opening envelopes!)

    13. This is quite the contrast to the situation with adults who want to be thanked all the time. This is a rare opportunity where even a non-thinker ought to express thanks and an older adult would get that.

    14. You have every right to be upset. I’m young Gen X and my aunt did something similar for me—when I graduated from college she gifted me a similar fund in a similar amount that I had no idea existed. I burst into tears with gratitude because it enabled me to go to law school with less loans and was so unexpected and generous. Granted I was 22 and done with college, but I find the “kids’” reaction here completely unacceptable. They don’t need to cry but their reaction is gross to me. Failure on their parts and on their parents’ part.
      For reference, I still write handwritten thank you notes and have taught my kids to do the same since they could hold a crayon and draw a picture. There is no excuse for not teaching your kids appropriate shows of gratitude to others. And those kids are old enough to know better and use their words to express how they are feeling about it, even if they are overwhelmed or unsure.
      That said, confrontation on it will get you nowhere. Stop giving them generous gifts. If they ever open the door by having the gall to ask why they don’t get expensive or generous gifts anymore, that’s the teachable moment.
      I do agree with others that they may come around to appreciating it more later, and may have more to say about it later, but that doesn’t excuse their actions now and it’s ok for you to feel hurt.

      1. It’s truly wild to me how many people here will say “oh well maybe [complicated explanation] or maybe you did ___ wrong or maybe [unlikely family dynamics theory]” instead of agreeing that yes, people should indeed say thank you for an enormous leg up in life, for an amount of cash that most people in this world will never see, for generosity from loved ones, for an incredible gift from relatives who care and have been in the same position before. Here’s how it works:

        In the moment: “Oh my god, I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you and Uncle did this. Thank you so much, aunt. I can’t believe it!”

        Later: handwritten thank-you note not generated by ChatGPT.

        Done. Not hard. If they’re actually not grateful, then they can reject the money. There is NO world in which “OK” is an acceptable response.

        1. If you don’t know what to say, truly have no idea, buy the card that says “thank you” on it and just sign your name. It’s not that hard.

        2. It’s not a leg up if they never cash the gift and, for the purposes of this board, it isn’t even that much money. OP should feel her feelings, that this didn’t turn out the way she had hoped, the disappointment with it. I get that part – it sucks. But once we give money away, we have no control over the recipients, whether they are a homeless panhandler at a stoplight or a profligate nephew. If you really think the script above is mandatory, I suggest stop giving handouts because most often you won’t be thanked in the manner you require. I had to work through a lot of disappointment about this with regards to giving money to the homeless in my city and it took a while to accept it.

          1. OP isn’t requiring anything other than a basic acknowledgement of the gift — not a statue, not their firstborn, not anything that our grandparents wouldn’t have done automatically.

            I guess when these kids get married, they shouldn’t expect much from you since you now know that your gifts are not pleasing to them. Dial back and fund something like a food bank or camp scholarship for a kid who might like to get outside of a big city.

          2. I’m speechless at the reaction of ‘well, actually, $20k to a 21 year old isn’t even that much money so…’ Seriously?!?
            I’m an adult in my 40s and that is STILL a lot of money to just get handed. It’s actually above the IRS gift limits per year which is likely why it’s not just a check handed over so that these young adults don’t have to pay taxes on it!

          3. I posted upthread about people really reaching to find a way to blame OP or shift blame for rude behavior – I think “it’s not even that much money so why are you upset” just reached new levels of absurdity.

          4. Well, I guess you are revealing how rich you are / how rich your childhood was.

            Most of us didn’t have that.

          5. Are you for real? Sorry, but giving someone 20K is worth at least a thank you. And then you compare it to a panhandler situation to boot?

            Man, this board really shows the best and worst of people at times.

    15. Giving them “grace” maybe it’s just not…concrete to them? Money tucked away in a bank account avail when they’re 21 (to working-class kids to whom that is likely a pretty large amount!) might just not be something that’s impactful in terms of their day to day lives. Of course I 100% think that they should have said “gee thanks!” but from a strictly Miss Manners point of view, it’s not super-clear when the thank you should be sent–upon reveal, upon discussion, upon “hand-over” at 21…
      There’s a slight chance the kids have been promised money by others and it never materialized– (maybe?) or they don’t understand it’s 100% “theirs”.
      Although I admit I’m stretching here, my mom/fam would be appalled at a lack of thank you!
      I would be hurt too! Maybe nudge them a touch “I’m surprised at the lack of reaction here…we were hoping that you two would be thrilled…” I dunno though, a forced thank you always feels really stale and unsatisfying.

    16. the issue might be financial literacy — my cousins have a lot less money than us, and one even went into bankruptcy – when we talked a lot about money it was amazing how she didn’t seem to know where accounts were that she had inherited, how much she had, if/when she could get it out, how it affected other debts, etc…

      1. No no no
        Even Dickens’ poor boys recognized their good fortune to have a “benefactor”

    17. Huh. Pondering this one. I think in general it would be a kindness to let the young adults know you were hurt by their lack of a thank you. I wouldn’t do it at an upcoming celebration. I wouldn’t make a huge deal of it, maybe even a text? But a “we love you and are happy to support you. The money is yours to do what you want with it, but we did want to let you know it hurt our feelings not to be thanked for it” is both very valid and hopefully will be educational. But at that point I think you just have to drop it.

    18. Did you tell your SIL in advance that you were setting up trusts for your nephews? Because if you didn’t, they are still very much in the wrong, but I can almost understand why they’re reacting this way. I grew up the poorest of all my cousins, by a long shot. My mom felt a lot of shame and insecurity about it. So much so, that she would make me return gifts they gave us. It really drove home the shame for me, and I’m sure it was confusing and humiliating for my aunts and uncles. They would offer to pay for vacations and my mom would respond “we can’t go.” Anyway, OP I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

      1. +1 I posted above, and I would have tried to, or been pressured to, return this gift. Guilt, shame, disbelief would have all been my chief emotions. Thankfulness would’ve required believing the money was real.

    19. Charity for sure. A thank you seems like such a little ask but all family money comes with potential strings attached. The kids are probably apprehensive, especially because you’ve already told them this requires a visit to a financial advisor. If the reaction of the beneficiary is your primary motivation for giving maybe reexamine why that is.

      1. Your last sentence is such a crock. I feel like a lot of posters here are realizing that they once acted like these nephews and are feeling defensive.

        1. I’m a different poster and I’ve definitely never acted like those kids because giving large amounts of money is totally outside of my family norms. Obviously the kids should say thanks for a generous gift, but I also understand why they might be uncomfortable with it. I agree that OP should think carefully about their purpose in giving this money and let that drive their reaction.

        2. Yeah, the number of people trying to shame the OP for being sad not to be thanked is wild. A lot of y’all have poor home training.

          1. I’m not understanding why examining her own expectations and reaction is shaming her. It’s worth thinking about.

          2. I don’t understand why so many posters are afraid to say “whoa, that’s rude.” It’s ok to correctly identify behavior. It’s ok for OP to be upset about being treated like crap. It’s ok to expect young adults to meet the lowest possible bar for gratitude.

      2. I get that the young adults don’t realize this but surely this board of educated adults understands that you can’t just hand over a UTMA account. The money has to be transferred properly to avoid taxes. That doesn’t mean the kids NEED to use the advisor going forward, they can roll the money into whatever account they want. It’s like moving a 401k – you don’t need to invest it with a financial advisor but the administrator can’t just cut you a check without triggering tax implications.

        1. Sure, but that just adds to the impression that the gift may have been a bit overwhelming. The reaction was still rude.

    20. I haven’t read all the replies but did you tell them about it in front of their parents? My mom often perceived my cousins as ‘ungrateful’ for the generous physical gifts she gave. My cousins later confided in me that they often found the situations awkward as their parents felt my mom was ‘showing off’ and their parents were envious of her financial resources and passed that vibe to the kids to the point where they perceived gratitude as disloyal to their parents. My mom is just an awkward person and certainly didn’t mean to make things uncomfortable and my aunt/uncle were more focused on their own status vs their kids receiving nice things.

      Not excusing their behavior. Just sharing some insight into my experience that family dynamics can often be more complex than we realize on the surface.

    21. I would absolutely tell both nieces/nephews and phrase it as a lesson for their future. You obviously care about them. They want to be viewed as respectful adults and part of that is to show gratitude when someone is kind with a gift, going beyond their responsibility, helping you advance your career etc. When a coworker goes over and beyond on your project – say thank you! When someone helps you when they didn’t need to – say thank you! When someone is generous with a (financial) gift – say thank you. It literally doesn’t cost them a thing. But not doing so can leave a bad taste and does not encourage those generous people to repeat that action.
      I mean it – they need to learn it now, if this was not instilled in them at young age. My 5&7yo niece and nephew thank me properly for (small) gifts without parents prompting them.

      1. I agree this should be conveyed.

        But “not saying thank you” is still the wrong approach even if the goal is to discourage generous people.

    22. This happened to me, from my grandparents. I was very grateful and expressed my thanks multiple times – not just when I received the gift, but years later as I was able to leverage that gift to do bigger and better things. I still think of my grandparents with gratitude as I reach a new financial milestone. It all started with them.

      Contrast that with my brother. He didn’t say thanks and frittered it away in early adulthood. Very obviously resents me for my financial position, which is easily traced back to how I treated that original gift.

      Some kids are just jerks. In my experience, parents are also more likely to raise their boy-children with entitlement. I broke up with a man in part because I witnessed his children never saying thank you to anybody for anything – including me.

      1. You dodged a bullet. In my experience, people who never say thank-you are also unkind and cold in other areas. There is nothing, NOTHING better than living in a warm household where people appreciate each other and say thank you and celebrate each other.

    23. So, we’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this. My MIL called to let us know she has to start spending her money, so she’ll be sending us annual checks for $X starting this year. I wasn’t on the phone, but my understanding is it was a very transactional conversation. Not “I’ve wanted to do this for you” but “you are getting my estate anyway so I’m going to start offloading.”

      It’s awkward in that we don’t earmark it for anything and she doesn’t particularly want us to spend it- so we can’t snap a pic and say “your $$ bought us this thing/experience.”

      I did let her know that we put last year’s $$ into the kids’ 529s. Her response was “oh, I can just start contributing directly to that as well if you’d like!”

      So…if you haven’t already, consider presenting it more as a gift if that’s how you intend it to be received, as opposed to estate planning. Eg “happy graduation, we are so proud of you! Love, aunt & Uncle.” That kind of note is a clear gift.

    24. When I was in college, 25 years ago, my aunt and uncle helped pay for it. One day, they actually were in my college town and came to take me out to dinner. We went to dinner and I said, “Thanks for dinner!” Later that night, I got a very long email from my uncle telling me that he was very disappointed in me for failing to thank them for all the contributions that they had made to my education.

      I was absolutely gutted. Devastated. The email made me feel like I was a garbage person, and I was so angry at myself for failing to do the right thing. I think I cried for an hour. I eventually wrote something back and tried my best to explain that I was grateful and appreciative. But even now, decades later, it still hurts to think of that interaction.

      In retrospect, I now understand that there were a lot of dynamics going on that explain this. My family of origin was super private about money; my dad sort of checked out of the financial conversation and my mom was deeply ashamed of not having more money than we did. So I never really had an open conversation with my parents about finances. And I never had an open conversation with my aunt and uncle about their financial support – it was all buried in code and family secrets. I was grateful the whole time, but I barely understood it myself and it felt like it wasn’t something we could talk about. I also didn’t know how to thank people for a gift that was so big. It felt like a thank you card wasn’t enough, but I didn’t know what else to do.

      All that is to say: if these are kids that you love and who have been in your life for a long time, find a way to assume good intentions even though their execution is terrible. Don’t burn the relationship down. Could you have a conversation with one of them, individually, and say, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the trust fund. Now that you have had a chance to think about it, do you have any questions? What do you think you might do with the money?” And if it feels right, you might say, “The trust fund is a gift and you can do whatever you like with it, but I want you to know that it was a big deal for us to be able to do that for you. I didn’t have anything like that when I was a kid. I hope that it’s something that you will appreciate and that will make a difference in your life.”

      I hope you find a path forward.

    25. It’s interesting to me that their parents are getting skipped over in this whole piece and that makes me wonder about the financial dynamics and family dynamics.

      It’s possible they didn’t say thank you because they are not actually thankful because of various histories of drama or issues around money. Mo’ money Mo’ problems and all that.

      2. +1
        I’m not understanding being close enough to these kids to set aside tens of thousands of dollars to gift them but also not being close enough to have talked with the parents about this when it was happening and the kids were presumably young. I don’t have siblings but I do have cousins and if they found out I was setting aside money for their kids without talking to them about it would be a little weird because they’re not in the position to reciprocate with mine.

  6. I’m looking for recs for a favorite daily serum to go under moisturizer (and while I’m at it, a rec for moisturizer with SPF would be great, too!) I’m 37, so something relatively anti-aging, but also needs to be safe for breastfeeding. I don’t usually wear foundation or much makeup, so I’m looking for purely skin care.

    I’m not a cosmetics person at all and finally found a line of products that included wash, toner, serum and moisturizer that I bought as a group, but the brand just closed down :(

      1. Good questions, clearly I am clueless! I’d say my skin is getting dryer with age, though can be shiny in the T zone. I don’t struggle with acne or wrinkles, really, though my pores could use some work…I guess looking for something that will help keep my skin hydrated and “youthful”.

        1. If you don’t have problem skin, use something like a hyaluronic acid for hydrating. The Ordinary makes a good cheap one.

    3. As a fellow newbie to skincare in my late 30s, I went to the Ordinary and someone helped me. I ended up liking the hyaluronic acid serum and the multi-factor serum too. It’s not expensive or fussy and the sales person was like you can do all of this in this order, or you can just pick and choose what you like/have time for. Which was exactly the level of commitment and support I was looking for!

      1. And I like eltamd for sunscreen. (I’ve been thinking about trying Asian sunscreen but see above, it sounds complicated and I am leery of online purchases of that kind of stuff. ) I don’t think moisturizers with spf work that well for either purpose. I use cereve moisturizer separately before my spf.

    4. I’ve been using Slushy from Innbeauty recently and really love it. It has hyalurnoic acid, bakuchiol, and vitamin c, all of which I believe are safe during breastfeeding. I have very sensitive skin, and have never found a retinol that doesn’t turn me bright red, but this works well, making my skin hydrated and glowy.

    5. I started the Timeless Vitamin C + E serum followed by Eucerin Age Defense about a month ago and have been liking both! Also breastfeeding and have been out of the skin care game for a few years due to pregnancy and that. (I have really dry skin so nighttime have been using Elf’s Holy Hydration cleansing balm and CeraVe’s nighttime cream. After I’m done breastfeeding will be adding a retinoid in too.)

      1. Talking to my dermatologist the keys for anti-aging seem to be vitamin C + sunscreen in the morning and retinoid + moisturizer at night. She loves and recommended SkinCeuticals but was okay with my drugstore regimen I can actually afford.

  7. If you ordered the Sephora sunscreen kit, what are you loving from it? IDK where to start even.

    1. I am tucking one in my purse and another in my car every week. Reminds me to put sunscreen on my hands and reapply if I’m outdoors. So far I love the Kiehl’s, love the little eye cream thing, and am terrified of the self tanning drops ha. Used the tinted one on my legs – didn’t match my face but used it when I had shorts on at a family event last week. The lip stuff is meh but fine.

    2. I haven’t made much of a dent in mine either. I tend to try to use up a product completely before I move on the next one. (I have the same problem with books…sigh). So far I’ve been using the Paula’s Choice SPF. It’s fun to both have hydrated skin and spf. It makes me feel like I can skip morning moisturizer when I use it.

    3. I really like the Paula’s choice and might buy full size. The Peter Thomas Roth is also good. Unfortunately, the full size tube (white tube, black cap, don’t remember the brand) is not right for me. Feels greasy and breaks me out.

    4. Of all the goodies in there – I’m most surprised by my husband loving the lip balm.

  8. Since there’s been a few sunscreen discussions on here recently, I’m sharing my recent sunscreen buy that I’ve been really happy with: sunly sunscreen stick from attitude living. https://attitudeliving.com/products/tinted-mineral-sunscreen-face-stick-spf-30?variant=48144062579001

    I am medium brown skin tone and this really doesn’t leave a white cast at all. My best friend, who is black, has also been thrilled by it for this reason. Since it’s in a stick form, my hands don’t get all gooey which I hate. Bonus, it’s plastic free and mineral based so better for the environment than a lot of what is out there.

    Con: I think the stick finishes faster than a liquid bottle does.

    What have you bought recently that you loved?

    2. Your con may actually be a pro because I think sunscreen expires—I’ve heard that you should use up a tube in a year or less or something like that.

  9. Hoping someone may be willing to explain – I manage a team of salaried analysts in a small, rural town. They make from $45-60k/year, they work 8-5 M-R and half days on Friday. We rotate who goes to quarterly conferences out of state, which means extra hours that week. My HR is telling me that we need to pay them at least $58k/yr starting in January. I don’t have the budget approval to move everyone up and it doesn’t feel right to make all the team make the same amount when I have a range of tenure. And I don’t want to lay people off just to raise the 60k folks to 75k, for example. HR told me I am not allowed to pay them hourly because if their job qualifies as exempt it must be paid a salary. I thought it was if job qualifies as exempt then we can pay them salary but that even if I was CEO I could legally be paid by the hour. Can anyone help explain this to me? Is my HR right that if they have discretion they must be paid a salary?

    1. I’m going to bypass your salary/hourly question, and address a different one: are you really saying that HR is requiring you to give raises that you have no budget for? And that when you tell them that, their solution is to have you lay off people?? And that as a manager, you have no recourse except to go along with all this?

      1. Further, is there a pay disparity between the genders or people of different races? Is there a pay disparity between rural and more expensive areas, if the company has multiple offices?

      2. This is the right question. They want you to pay fewer people more money to do the same work?

      3. My read is that she is saying she does have budget approval to give the junior folks currently making 45k a raise to 58k, but she does not also have the budget to give the senior folks currently making 60k a raise to 70k, and she doesn’t want a situation where the most junior folks and the most senior folks are all making roughly the same. But from HR’s perspective, they are legally required to bump the 45k folks to 58k if they want to keep treating them as exempt, but there’s no legal req to pay the senior folks /more/

      4. Yes. Everyone is salaried right now. HR is saying we either pay everyone basically the same (approx $60k/yr) or I cut headcount and increase everyone’s pay approximately $10-15k per person so everyone gets a roughly proportionate raise.

        Yes – Everyone lives in small town Midwest (some live a 20 mile drive from our one office location, which is outside a small town), no remote work, none of them track time right now, no extra pay for the conferences (although we pay for travel and food costs and lodging).

        1. Is HR really saying to pay everyone the same, or are they saying pay the 45k people 58k (which effectively means it is the same as the 60k people)? The effect is not immaterial, but it is important not to twist what they say into something they are not saying.

    2. Are they salaried or paid hourly? It’s not clear from your post. Or do they get a fixed salary plus overtime pay for the conferences?

      1. Salaried and exempt right now. No time tracking, no extra pay during conference weeks.

        1. If you’re salaried, I wouldn’t expect extra pay. Salary means you may occasionally work more (or less) hours without it affecting pay.

          1. This is a common misunderstanding but it is not true. Salaried employees do not typically have to track time. Salaried exempt employees do not get paid overtime. Salaried non-exempt employees do need to track overtime hours, and they get paid for overtime hours.

            Companies do not get to arbitrarily choose whether employees are hourly or salaried, nor do they get to decide whether salaried employees are exempt or not. Those designations are defined federally, although many, many companies tromp all over those definitions to suit their own budgeting preferences. The new rule attempts to address situations where companies have workers classified as salaried exempt while paying them too little for the responsibility such a classification typically entails.

    3. I’m confused by your description – you call them “salaried analysts”, so are they not salaried right now? And are they /exempt/ – are you paying them overtime when they work overtime? (contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be salaried /and/ exempt)

      Separate from the job-duties test, there is a minimum salary you have to make to be eligible to be treated as exempt. Your HR is correct that it is going up to 58k in January 2025. I think your first step is to understand the current status, and what information HR is giving you.

      1. Anon at 10:30 AM is correct – the Jan 1 salary increased is tied to the DOL’s new overtime rule. My guess is that they are classified as exempt under the administrative exemption, but you’ll need to clarify with HR. If they do not meet the salary threshold of 58K by Jan 1, you can no longer classify them as exempt and would have to pay overtime.

        1. Ok, thank you- HR is telling me these folks are classified as exempt, because their job duties are exempt, therefore they MUST be paid a salary, and that’s why we have to raise pay (and I have the budget dilemma that may lead to layoffs).

          I asked if we could switch them all to hourly, at basically their current pay rate, and was told no – because if the duties are “exempt” then they must make a certain amount of money. And this is where I’m confused.

          1. Your HR may be also answering from a business/practical standpoint. If you did reclassify them to hourly, you would be required to start tracking hours, and you are on the hook for overtime pay. Depending on your state, they could start collecting overtime pay anytime they work over 8 hours in a single day. That means if they check the boxes for salaried, that can be the cheaper option for the employer (hence the federal limit being raised).

          2. I think your HR person is confused. This is a subject for your company’s GC or outside counsel. Freelancing this – some people get salary bumps, others don’t, some get laid off just because other people need to get paid more – is going to be a mess.

          3. I suspect “if their duties are exempt, they must be paid as salaried” is an internal policy (so that the company doesn’t have to worry about time tracking and overtime), and HR is not communicating to you the distinction between the internal aspect of the policy (exempt duties = salaried, no OT) and the legal aspect (to be paid as a salaried employee, no OT, the employee must make at least $58k).

          4. Ahh yeah, this is the core of the confusion. Legally, you can switch them all to hourly and exempt, and pay them overtime for conference weeks. You can also make them “salaried not exempt”, where you pay them a regular salary any week they work 40 or fewer hours and overtime for any hours over that. Given your description, that sounds like the best fit. Your instinct is correct – you /could/ pay even your CEO as hourly, or as salaried-non-exempt. There are legal protections that prevent people from being classified as exempt; but there are no legal requirements that /make/ someone be exempt (remembering that “exempt” means “doesn’t have to be paid overtime” – so labor law isn’t going to forbid you from paying overtime, even to highly compensated, highly independent folks!)

            It is certainly possible that your HR has some other reason – maybe the company doesn’t have a payroll and time tracking set up that works for hourly folks or would accommodate paying overtime to salaried-non-exempt folks – but there is no legal blocker (unless it’s a state specific thing). Ask them to double check.

    4. I can’t answer your actual question, but I know where the HR push is coming from – They’re trying to implement the Final White-Collar Exemption Rule that was just released. This is what our accountant sent us to explain it: https://www.fisherphillips.com/en/news-insights/new-federal-overtime-rule-59k-salary-floor.html

      We just had to change some of our office staff employees from salary to hourly because of the salary threshold changes. Our office staff employees should have been hourly anyway since their duties really didn’t meet the exempt criteria (and they’re never asked to work overtime), so that made sense for us.

    5. It sounds like HR is conflating “salaried” and “exempt”. There is a bill (law? proposal?) out there around increasing the floor for hourly/non-exempt for OT salaries, so maybe that’s what’s going on is HR has read about this new bill/law/regulation/guideline and is anticipating that.
      Hourly/salaried and exempt/non-exempt are two different things, but the exempt vs. non-exempt does have duty requirements that goes with it, mostly to protect employees from being made “exempt” when they are very low-level service workers or otherwise easily exploitable. I suspect they’re saying that if the employee is “exempt” they will be default be on a job that is salaried just based on duties. It’s pretty rare to find executive or even exempt people being hourly outside of certain roles/industries (like consultants, law, etc).

  10. I try to keep my inbox under 50 emails. The last few weeks have been work hell and I’m sitting at over 450. I am behind on everything and getting anxious about what’s sitting in the inbox. I have tomorrow pretty unscheduled and would love to knock things out or at least … sort, then figure out how to do real work. Any email czar suggestions appreciated!

    1. I practice inbox zero, the essence of which is you deal with emails immediately as they come in with the 4 Ds:

      Delete – immediately delete anything you don’t need, is spam, you won’t refer to again, etc.
      Delegate – forward any emails that someone else needs to deal with, and then delete/archive them.
      Defer – stick emails that require some work or a long response in a folder for you to deal with later.
      Do – if you can respond to an email right then, do it. Then delete/archive them.

      If I were you, I would go through all 450 and delete what I can, and then go through the remaining amount and either delegate, do, or defer. Create a folder (mine is called To Do) to stick the defer emails in. The rest of your inbox should be zero at that point. Then you can go back to the defer folder and deal with those emails.

    2. Take this opportunity to unsubscribe and autofilter.
      Sort by sender, you might have gotten follow-ups that make the previous message obsolete.
      Snooze messages you don’t need now, ie. login details for a call 2 weeks from now, your hotel booking for next month.
      Set up a “for info” folder, that you can put things you don’t need to respond to but do need to read at some point.
      Bribe yourself… can you do the first pass in a nice cafe?

    3. I would set aside a block of time just to go through them. Start by sorting by sender. Sometimes you can dump a whole chunk of emails into a folder or into trash/archive based on who the sender is. You may also be able to identify a set of sensors all related to a single issue/project and group those together to review together. Then I would sort them by conversation and start from the earliest date. This should make the review a bit quicker. Keep a pen and paper to make a To Do list and make other notes. Mark emails that need responses for response at the end, as you don’t want to be piecemeal responding if conversations have progressed over several days.

    4. If you get cced on threads where you don’t have to do anything, I would start by sorting by thread and putting all those in the appropriate folder. That normally makes a big dent for me. I then sort by sending, and do the low hanging fruit — emails that I just need to read or give a very quick answer. I save the emails where I’m going to have to do substantive work for last. But, at the end of the day, you just have to look at them all.

  11. Here’s a random question. What do you do with your sideburns? Am I suppose to be trimming that hair? It doesn’t stay behind my ear, but is long enough that it looks weird on the side of my face.

    1. I wax them every two weeks using Sally Hansen strips. It took a little practice to figure out how to make it look natural, but now it’s easy.

    2. I did laser hair removal and then electrolysis for this – I hated how it looked.

    3. Not sure exactly how much hair we are talking about here, but I have very fair skin and dark facial hair in multiple places. I also have very sensitive skin – can’t tolerate waxing etc.. I use on of those Tinkle facial razors around the ears area when needed. So fast and easy.

      I would ask your hairdresser what they recommend before starting to cut it etc.. as they will likely be able to tell you what works best for your face/hair.

  12. The dad of one of my daughter’s friends has given me a bad vibe since we met him. He seems extremely overly interested in the kids and in particular my daughter, including making comments about her behavior and overall personality (she has ADHD and could be considered very wild, sassy, etc compared to their child). A few weeks ago he sent me a video that he took of my daughter. The video was extremely close up of her mouth. She did not know he was taking it until the very end. This is not the first time he has taken photos or videos but this one I found very odd and disturbing. I didn’t really say anything when he sent it to me but the more I think about it the more upset I am getting. My husband feels the same way and we decided that we do not want our girls to play at their house anymore unless one of us is there.

    My question is how I should respond to the mom’s very frequent invitations for the girls to play, and to explain to my daughter why she won’t be going over there. I really like the mom and she is a very sweet person. They are neighbors and have lots of get togethers and kids over all the time. I’m confused and upset about how to handle the whole thing and am wondering if I am potentially overreacting.

    1. Nope, trust your gut. That’s creepy and your priority is protecting your daughter, not the other mother’s feelings. Someone needs to check that guy’s hard drive.

      2. “your priority is protecting your daughter, not the other mother’s feelings”

        EXACTLY.

    2. I don’t think you’re overreacting. Trust your gut!! It is your job to protect your kid.

      I would totally tell the mom that the dad is taking videos of your kid without your consent and it makes you uncomfortable.

      1. I agree that you should tell either her or her husband that you don’t want him taking photos and videos of your kid. Unless you are going to avoid all social situations where he could be, he will still have opportunities to take inappropriate videos and photos.

      2. +1 There is no way would I let my kid near him again. Honestly, I would be forthright about “why” with my daughter. My instinct is that she has the creeps about that dad too.

        1. Good point, the daughter should know that she should not be alone with him and he should not be photographing her.

      3. yes, this. it is one thing if the kids are performing a skit or something so someone takes a video, but this is not that

    3. Ooof. First, trust your gut. And your husbands. That’s two guts that warrant listening to.

      I have a 6 year old in K and we’re navigating friendships, and other households and all this stuff. Here’s what I would do… I’d make sure to have the friend over and make sure there were plenty of other interactions outside of/away from that home so that your daughter isn’t losing the connectivity of what sounds like a potentially good friend of hers without any explanation. Because I think an abrupt cutoff between the friends would be hard (and to be clear, an abrupt cut off is totally warranted if that’s what you are most comfortable with – this situation feels icky and if that’s what you need, do it, but I don’t think I read that in your post).

      Then, I would just decline the invitations. Repeated declines and they’ll get it. Maybe the mom asks why someday if she picks up on the pattern but until then, I’d just gracefully say “we’re busy” or “not today”, and that’s it.

      So, that’s one person’s opinion (mine!), and others may feel differently. Either way, trust your gut. You’re a good parent.

    5. I think you should be honest. Text mom and dad “John, circling back on the close up video you took of my daughters mouth the other week. That was disturbing and it is unacceptable to us. I’m not comfortable with my daughter being at your home at the moment although of course your daughter is still welcome here for play dates. Please delete any videos or photos you have of my daughter.@

      1. This is completely reasonable.

        If he pushes back that he thought it was okay, I’d totally be tempted to throw out an ‘as a result of some recent tech training in my/DH’s workplace, we are revisiting our views on other people videoing our kids.’

        1. I wouldn’t even bother coming up with an excuse. If he doesn’t like the way it feels to be called out for creepy behavior, he shouldn’t be a creep in the first place.

          1. I intended it more as flagging to the guy that you understand from third party standards that his behaviour is problematic and not just different families are different. But if it reads as an excuse avoid as no excuse needed.

    6. Trust your gut. As someone who used to work in child protection law, too many parents brush off behavior or don’t trust their instincts. Children with behavioral issues can also be at higher risk because they are sometimes dismissed as ‘acting out’ or ‘telling stories’ or ‘misunderstanding what happened because their social development is poor’.

      I’m zero percent surprised that they are the people that always have kids over, that normalizes kids being around and not always in the same room as their friends.

      I suspect the videoing is a form of grooming to get her used to the idea that he is recording her without telling her he is recording her in advance or asking permission.

      I would stop accepting invites to their house. ‘We’re busy’ is sufficient. I would also stop offering to invite daughter over to your house as that makes it harder for the kids to understand why their daughter can come to your house but not her to their house. You can suggest mommy and me activities like an afternoon tea party at a local restaurant, visit to the movies etc. Public spaces and you or DH always present.

    7. Protect your kid. Do not let her near that husband. Seriously, please do not let your discomfort with making your neighbors feel weird override your duty to protect your child.

      As for responding to the mom: you have a couple of options. You could respond with, “We’d love to play! Why don’t you send X over here? Or we could meet at the park.” You could be honest: “I hate to say this, but your husband has crossed a line with our daughter, including videoing here. We love your kid but we’re not comfortable around your husband.” That will obviously change things, so you could wait to see if you need to do that or see if she gets the hint after a while.

      As for talking to your daughter, it depends on her age.

      1. I feel like honesty with the mom is really important, albeit incredibly uncomfortable. What if it allows her to connect the dots on behaviour that she’s found troubling?

        1. I tend to agree. It will absolutely blow up the friendship, but I think she needs to know. Be specific – “he took a close-up, extended video of my daughter’s lips without her knowledge and without our permission. He has also videotaped her on other occasions. That was inappropriate.”

          It’s also important to name it as inappropriate and not just “a difference in comfort level.”

          1. The friendship was blown up the moment weirdo dad decided to videotape the daughter’s mouth.

        2. Agreed. It’s the hardest option and may have blowback but I also think it’s the right thing to do. I’d also encourage age appropriate honesty with your daughter. It’s not okay to do X, Y, Z and you’re not going to let friend’s dad be around her because of it.

        3. Maybe unpopular, but I agree. Spouses, usually wives, in those situations are told over and over that they are the problem for objecting to the creepy: “you’re overreacting,” “but you do this other (innocuous) thing,” “you’re thin-skinned,” ad nauseum.

          If she can’t or won’t connect the dots, that’s on her. All you can ever do is establish boundaries and try to make those boundaries reasonable. “After that incident, I don’t want your husband anywhere around my kid” is reasonable.

        4. +1 this could feel uncomfortable, but there is a chance saying this could protect other kids.

          Either way, go with your gut and protect your kid.

      2. This exactly. I feel weird taking any pictures of other people’s kids. If I do it’s one I share with the other mom as a “hey girls are playing well, here’s a smiling pic of them doing legos at the table”

        Tell the mom, tell the school, agree with not letting your DH be sole-supervisor of playdates too for a bit.
        Guidance to your daughter is that you’re not to be at friend’s house, if he talks to you tell me, if you see him tell me.
        Document document document

    8. If their daughter is over at your place, I would not have your DH as the sole supervisor or alone with her. In my experience, when there is an allegation made against a parent, it can sometimes be retracted and redirected if the victim blames themselves for their parents subsequent break up. Or, alternatively, a child may not exhibit appropriate behaviors and boundaries with other adults who are the same gender and age range as an adult who has been inappropriate.

      Finally, it is actually more common to abused non-related directly related females. So I would be more worried about your daughter than their daughter at this point unless he is the stepdad, in which case I think you should consider a conversation with the mom.

    9. Agree with everything posted here. Trust your gut.

      Honestly, if he has creepy motives, it seems odd that he would highlight them by sending you the video. Then again, maybe he got noticed/caught by the kids and wanted to preemptively send it to you…

      It really stinks.

      Thanks for being attentive. The number of inappropriate interactions I had as a child was….. many. When I look back, it is pretty shocking. I wondered if it was better now. I don’t have kids. No one prepared me as a child, and I never felt like I could say/do anything.

      1. Sometimes this is a tactic to see how parents react to borderline inappropriate behavior by other adults. Are they in tune to possible concerns or more laissez-faire about kids and videoing? Are they still letting their kid come over even if they know kid is being videod without their prior consent. Predators avoid kids with engaged parents who have open conversations with their kids because those kids are more likely to disclose.

        2. Yes, you’d think they’d avoid flagging their own creepy behavior, but sometimes they are testing the waters. And psychologically some creeps can be very desperate to collect imaginary hints of consent (“I’m not a bad person, because X, Y, Z…”)

    10. Trust your gut. Protect your daughter. Talk with her with age appropriate words about why his behavior is not ok. Tell her she can say no to having her picture taken – or at least tell you about it later.
      Authority figures behaving in an uncomfortable way is a huge deal. We need to give our kids the skills to navagate it – from quietly to screaming. Unfortunately, the stranger danger screaming teaching is so much easier and clearer.

    12. How old are the kids? My advice is different for a 6 vs 12 year old.

      In general though, trust your gut. If the videos and comments came from the mom…would you feel differently?

      1. I’m confused why the advice would be different for a 6 yr old vs 12 yr old.

    13. It’s grooming. Stop into your local police department and share your concerns. I know in my previous small town the police would have been all over this.

      You need to get your child away from them at all costs and I would also inform the school because this parent needs to be closely monitored.

    15. Ew no. I would tell the school and her teacher and any and all other parents I know. This guy did something creepy with your kid, you’re just relaying what he did. You have nothing to fear.

      I would never let my kid in their house again. I would introduce other activities for new friend groups.

      Show this creep that your kid is not be messed with. Show your daughter what it means to set boundaries by doing it yourself with this creep. This is a valuable teachable moment. Give your daughter the words to say when someone violates her boundaries or makes her uncomfortable. What you don’t want is to let your daughter leave this experience thinking it is ok for some guy to violate her boundaries, that she needs to keep the peace because of fear of social consequences.

    16. Trust your gut. This is why we’ve never allowed sleepovers. I don’t have the bandwidth to check on all the adults at other kids houses.

  13. NYC Chelsea and SoHo area eat, drink, shop and do recommendations wanted! Going in exactly one month!

    My husband and I are visiting NYC for a couple days–we’ve been once for a long trip and I’ve been 6-7 times total overall so we’re both looking for slightly more under-the-radar spots.

    We have a special dinner planned one night, but looking for:

    Stuff walking distance from the Broome Hotel–shopping, galleries, cute stuff to see, eat, drink, etc.

    Any cool secondhand or consignment boutiques. I found TRR there last time and a couple cute places on Madison near the Met but I had some difficulty finding true consignment boutiques (What Goes Around was a little out of my price range) to browse when I was there in 2022.

    Thanks all :)

    1. I saw the Veselka documentary recently (highly, HIGHLY recommend). It’s a Ukrainian restaurant in the East Village, so a nice walk. I’d love to go there now that I’ve seen the movie.

    2. My favorite SoHo eats are: Jack’s Wife Freda, Balthaza and Rubirosa (technically Little Italy but literally steps from Soho).

    3. Principe, Blue Ribbon Sushi and Altro Paradiso are good restaurant options near your hotel.

  14. My company just started an Employee Share Purchase Plan (ESPP). Employees can purchase shares at a 15% discount through after-tax payroll deductions in a six month period, after which time shares will be purchased with that discount. It seems that shares have to be held for at least two years from the offer date. This doesn’t seem worth the payout/hassle to me, from both a tax standpoint and minimum holding period, if we’re doing okay on retirement savings now and we have other financial priorities. Is there anything I’m missing? It’s not a FAANG or FAANG lite company, just a run-of-the-mill Fortune 500 corp. Thanks for any advice!

    1. I mean you’re talking about passing up potentially a lot of free money because you are confused and think it’s a hassle.

      1. I don’t know many places where a 15% return is baked in (assuming no stock price increase). I’d do it because I’m lazy but good at basic math like that. A two year lock is not long for a basic type company that is publicly held.

        1. +1 – unless your company is about to tank or something, that’s a lot of free money to give up. Figure it out and do it.

    2. This is my 2 cents… You aren’t missing anything. Don’t bother with it. I don’t like to double up on my employers. I have risk exposure as an employee so buying stock would increase my risk exposure and decrease my diversification, which is never a good thing.

    3. My company added a minimum holding period to our ESP a few years ago, and I stopped using it. Most quarters, people who did use it have lost money – our stock is going down more than the discount over the holding period pretty consistently. How’s your company’s overall financials?

    4. Are you sure you have to hold the shares for two years, or is it that you are eligible for better tax treatment (capital gains) if you hold them for two years? It’s usually the latter, and most people disregard the tax treatment and sell immediately and pay ordinary income taxes on the 15% (the difference between what you paid and the stock price when you sell immediately).

      1. Yes, double check if the company requires a holding period. Mine doesn’t. The two years determines whether it’s a short (~40% tax rate) or long (your tax bracket for 0, 15 or 20%) capital gain. If you get a 15% discount, then even selling immediately when you can is an 8% gain after taxes.

        Now it does get tricky with the dates they buy versus the selling window. You’ll need to note the window and sell immediately when you can. If the selling window is some period after the buy window, there is a decent chance that the price could drop, chipping away your 8%. I wouldn’t hold ESPP long term (got burned a few times myself). If you can beat 8% in an outside asset for 6 months, sure take that, but ESPP is pretty good depending on the volatility of your stock/selling windows.

        Do check how much income will put you into the next tax bracket before you get fancy with any stock sales.

  15. Has anyone used pulse dyed laser for rosacea? My derm recommended it and I’m leaning towards doing it. Just wondering if anyone can speak to results, as well as recovery time. The range I’m hearing varies so much and I’d like an idea of when I can show up in the office looking vaguely normal.

    1. I’ve done a few things. V beam laser was the most effective but left me with “bruising” which is like purple polka dots (the results of boiling the blood in tiny capillaries causing them to burst). Those required serious camouflage makeup for public appearances. But it did work. The capillaries come back over time so there’s a maintenance aspect. But I’m taking years, and they’re still much less than they were before. I had the V beam done about 4-5 times over a period of several years.

      I’ve had what they call BBL (which makes my kids die laughing) – Broadband Light, which is a form of IPL. That was three treatments over the course of a few months. I saw some results, and there was definitely less bruising – no need for pancake makeup – but honestly the results of that were not worth the money for it. For whatever reason, it was more expensive than v beam laser, maybe because of where I went.

      I need to find a new place for V beam, honestly. My lady retired during the pandemic, apparently.

  16. Costco help – has anyone ordered appliances or other large items for delivery from there? Did they ask to see your card when they arrived for delivery? I ordered a washing machine and dryer using my parents login/membership card and now I’m wondering if my parents need to be present for the delivery.

      3. +3, ordered a fridge for my mom who didn’t have a membership and it was a great experience.

    2. +4. I got washer dryer from Costco earlier this year, and I wasn’t asked for my membership card. I doubt the delivery guys care.

    3. I have done it with my parents’ membership, too. It’s a normal delivery contractor, they don’t care.

  17. On Friday I had what I think was final round of interviews for an amazing role at a small company. It’s my 7th time I’ve made it to final round. I really want this job more than the previous 6 final rounds I’ve made it to.

    I’m getting filtered out of the applications for a lot of roles (about 50-60%) because I don’t have an MBA. I’m not interested in spending $200k on an MBA but looking for creative ways to get the box ticked without spending much or nothing.

      1. I’m in Dallas, TX but expect to be moving to nyc/north jersey as this is where the jobs are.

        1. No it’s not equivalent to Phoenix at all. It’s a well respected, non profit, public online university, specifically targeted at adults with previous professional experience (and as the name implies, founded as a collaboration between a bunch of governors in the western states, in response to gaps in their states current offerings of degree programs. It’s not the right fit for everyone, but it absolutely is but perceived as “joke online school like phoenix” (maybe their MBA program is particularly bad? but we hire folks with their software degrees all the time. It’s not an elite school, but it’s not bad – I’d see it as equivalent to our state’s, non flagship public universities. )

          1. Thank you for sharing this. The MS Data analytics course is very interesting. I think I could knock that out quickly as I have most of the skills already.

    3. I don’t think there is a legitimate way to check an MBA-required box without actually getting an MBA. If you have experience that mitigates the lack of MBA, then sell it in your cover letter.

      If this is happening frequently, step back and evaluate whether you need to adjust your idea about the types of roles you are qualified for. Trying to come up with a cutesy creative substitute for a required credential is not a solution.

      1. I’m more than qualified for the roles I am applying for. When I get an interview I am getting a lot of positive feedback and one of the screening questions is asking me why I have not done an MBA (it’s HR asking). I answer this question well.

        I am a CPA, ex big 4 and I used this experience to work on advisory projects, building on my experience as a CPA auditing public and non public companies to provide useful feedback. I was hired by one of my clients and led the finance function for the technology subsidiary, successfully managing HR, compliance, cash burn and the expansion of the division, which was the driver of growth for the company. I’ve got IPO, private sale and debt raise experience. My previous role was building out the credit risk function of a regional bank.

        It’s frustrating to be asked why I don’t have an MBA because the true answer is that I got married at 28 and had my first child at 31. My ex husband made sure he got my support to complete an MBA but there was never enough money for me to complete the education. It was a miracle I got my CPA license as I sat my exams while on leave and having my 2nd child while working big4 hours. I don’t mean to sound rude when I say this but I have a good bachelor degree and took accounting credits for my CPA license. I have 172 credits which is more than a Masters would provide. I’ve also taught myself a bunch of tech skills. At this stage of my career the experience should count for more than having an MBA but here we are. The worst part of this is I’ve seen the internal controls before around hiring people capable of performing a review. The control often now says MBA or Masters in an equivalent field. It used to include the CPA license as an equivalent.

        1. You can work on a short script that says as much without overhearing. Frankly, HR ought to hear that brilliant, qualified people eventually stop paying gobs of money for unending credentials. Really play up the CPA.

          Alternately, ask if there is tuition reimbursement for employees.

    4. Would an executive MBA meet your needs? My MIL did one – she didn’t find it especially useful but she could do it while working full time, it was pretty easy compared to a traditional MBA, and it got her through screening in a much broader range of jobs (which was her goal).

      1. Yes it would meet my needs but I am not able to afford it.

        I have 3 children, two with ASD and ADD. I get zero financial support from their father. I am 100% on the hook for childcare, school fees, medical expenses and orthodontics. This costs me $100-120k a year as it is. It would be irresponsible of me to take on debt to pay for the education because I’ll have 1-2 children in college while I’m trying to pay down student loans.

        1. no suggestions, but I am so so sorry you are in this situation. i can’t believe their father gets away with providing zero financial support. I wonder if there are some MBA programs that might be willing to give you a huge scholarship.

        2. LSU Shreveport, my employee got her MBA through them and said it was “the easiest thing” she’s done. She’s a single mom to one neurotypical kiddo. I looked into it and the price is right, $12,500 all inclusive (circa 2022). I went with a different college/ degree program, but you can’t beat LSU for price and name recognition.

    5. Are you sure it’s the lack of a degree that’s the deal breaker? I’m 40, and it stopped mattering to me about 7 years ago. Once you hit a certain level of experience the mba is fungible in many, many, MANY roles.

      Have you ever asked the interviewer “what skills or experience do you value from the MBA”- and then show clearly how you meet those?

      FWIW, my husband has an mba, I have a non MBA grad degree, and we have held the same roles at various companies. We’ve also recruited/hired for mba preferred but it’s simply a way to screen talent. I don’t want a box checking MBA; I want someone with a certain skill set.

      1. When I asked for feedback they told me it was my education that’s an issue.

        The HR director was very helpful and told me I’m a great candidate but I just don’t have the education they are looking for. She said you say you have data analytics skills but you don’t have an qualifications, you say you have project management experience but you don’t have an qualifications in this field and you say you have leadership experience but you have zero qualifications on different types of leadership. She said she saw the talent and ability which is why she put me through as the diversity candidate but the other candidates had at least a Masters and certificates/licenses (CFA, PMP, data analytics were what she quoted).

        Quite frankly I don’t have the bandwidth for the foolery but I’m not in a position to start my own company so I need to find a way to tick the box.

        1. Ah, total red herring. You don’t need an MBA, you just made the mistake of thinking you’d get honest feedback. No one is going to tell you they just liked someone else more. They’ll pick something you can’t dispute in a lawsuit (you have an MBA or you don’t) and say that’s the magic reason. If it mattered for real you’d have been screened out at the resume phase. Don’t waste time chasing this, spend time figuring out what’s going wrong in your final rounds and how to close the deal.

        2. I agree, red herring. This was one point of feedback and it’s the HR director not the hiring manager. for all you know the answer is “I went to college with Bob so I picked him; tell RiskedCredit it’s because she doesn’t have an MBA because I don’t really have a good reason.” You don’t want to be put through “as the diversity candidate” and nor do you want to work somewhere where that’s how they operate.

    7. Harvard Business School has an abbreviated course called CoreE. I’ve seen many lawyers get this. It has the cache of Harvard, covers core B-school concepts, and shows you’ve tried to tick that box. I’d look into it. It’s much cheaper than an exec MBA.

  18. Need to vent but looking for commiseration. New job started a few months ago and is generally great but…although I am highly experienced in my field, the way things are done in this org are 100% different from all previous places. So while the work is generically the same on paper, the actual processes are new and extremely complex due to the size of the org. Setting aside the reasons for this, the impact is that I am several months in and feel like I am never going to learn this job! There are so many moving parts I feel almost set up to fail. It’s hard to memorize as so few tasks are similar and the documentation is somewhat outdated.  Everyone is aware of all this, so it is known. I usually feel like I am getting comfortable in a new role at this point but I feel like everyday is still new, and I am mentally burning out. My manager is generally supportive and we have good communication but is not the best at very direct feedback. I have asked! I do think that am doing well in most areas of the role but I just don’t feel like I am making progress in this other essential area. So, if you can relate, when does it get better?! Especially if you thought you knew what you were doing going in…. 

    1. A few months is nothing! It’s okay to still be learning. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    2. I could have written this post as I am in the same boat as you and my new work mentor told me it took her a year before she felt comfortable.

    3. I started a new job in January and am just now getting to the point where I can do some things without first spending a lot of time figuring out HOW to do the thing (where to find the info, what system to use, how to understand what I’m seeing on the screen, etc.) I’m also highly experienced, so I keep telling myself that it’s really good for me to be faced with having to learn new things and to experience again what it’s like to be a beginner who needs help. (But yes, the mental fatigue is real. Go easy on yourself in other areas of life.)

    4. I work in an environment like this. I’ve been here a long time, but I still remember how unnerving it was. I now supervise someone who seems to be having some adjustment pains. All this to say, that what you’re feeling is normal. I would expect it to take at least a year to get used to it. If you’re still not enjoying this after 12-18 months, it’s OK to say this isn’t for you.

      Document as many of your OWN processes as you can. Get to know the people, what they do, and how they operate.

  19. Last year, I took Wegovy for a month before my doctor tried to raise my prescription level and my pharmacy was no longer able to find the drug. I had no real side effects on the lowest dose of Wegovy. My doctor has decided to try me on Mounjaro, anyone have experience? What kind of side effects should I be expecting?

    1. I’ve been on Mounjaro since November 2022. I have lost, and am now maintaining, a 125 pound weight loss. My side effects have been miminal all along. At the lower doses, I’d have some fatigue for 1 day after the injection. Days 2-3 generally had some mild constipation. At the high doses, side effects have been the same or less. None of the side effects have stopped me from living my normal life or kept me out of the gym 5 days a week.

      Couple of things to note: there is a horrifc shortage of Mounarjo and Zepbound right now (just like Wegovy and Ozempic). It’s stressful to get it, if you even can. It’s also expensive. It’s not covered by insurance for me, so I generally pay around $500 a month.

      1. I’m maintaining a 50 pound weight loss from a six month prescription for Mounjaro last year. I stayed on the lowest dose because it seemed more available than trying to get in the higher doses. Constipation is real but drinking water helped. I also did intermittent fasting with the drug and have maintained that practice since I’ve come off of it.

    2. I’ve been on compounded mounjaro since January and have lost ~30 lbs. Side effects are super-minimal. Very mild nauseau the night that I inject (and I go to bed, so like 10 mins of nauseau). Mild constipation. I cannot recommend it enough. I did a ton of research and get mine from a concierge medicine service in Denver called Mobile Care LLC. My friend owned compounding pharmacies and did deep research on their source pharmacy. I was super-wary of compounding but am OK with it and am so glad I took it. I feel like myself again.

      I also spend less than $500/month. It varies based on dose, but I’ve spent about $1000 total and still have at least a month’s supply.

  20. Trigger warning for weight talk: I’ve been struggling with weight gain and was hoping for your experiences with weight loss injectable medications (zepbound, ozempic, etc). I only gained 25lb with my last pregnancy but immediately went on zoloft for postpartum depression and not only didn’t lose the baby weight but added another 10 on top of it – so a cumulative gain of about 20 lb (once you subtract the baby’s weight, etc). Then I got hit with surgical menopause at the same time, and even though I’ve been off the meds for a year, I can’t seem to lose any of this weight. We’re dealing with a lot of medical issues with our kids right now, and I can’t focus on a major fitness/diet overhaul, but I wondered if these meds might help since I gained the weight through a medication (as opposed to a change in diet/exercise). I know no one can tell me how I’d react, but I’d love to hear your experiences with these meds as well as whether you were able to find them at a decent price. Thank you!

    1. Yea. The meds can help anyone struggling with weight loss. You don’t need to prove you’re not one of the bad lazy fats by justifying it as medically induced weight loss. The drugs work the same on everyone.

      1. Sorry, I included that as a way of asking whether it seemed more likely that I’d be able to keep it off after going off the medications (which I only hope to take for a short period of time), not as a way to shame anyone. But I left that part out. I wasn’t “thin” by any standard before the pregnancy and am not really trying to a “dream weight” so much as lose the weight I gained on the meds.

    2. This really isn’t the appropriate use of these medications. This is a small weight gain in the scheme of things.

      But from what folks say on this website, this is the future, if you are wealthy and have a willing doctor willing to write a script and great insurance.

      1. Yeah…I’m pre-diabetic and actually need these medications but it took me over 6 months to find them in my area.

      2. I actually qualify based on BMI and other health indications. I didn’t say I was just 20lb overweight, just that that’s how much I was hoping to lose to get back to my pre-zoloft weight.

        1. But if you don’t change your eating/activity due to circumstances, you will gain it right back when you stop the medicines. It sounds like you need to change the circumstances, which is the hardest part for sure…

          So what is the point, unless you are planning to stay on them forever, which is what folks who are prescribed them are apparently planning?

        2. But…you don’t have to stop these meds unless you want to.

          And it’s not necessarily true that you’ll regain. Some people have metabolic disorders as a result of being overweight, but once they lose the weight, they are no longer insulin resistant, so their metabolism “resets” to normal, and they don’t gain weight based on everything they eat.

          OP–I posted above, but look into Mobile Care LLC out of Denver. It’s been life-changing for me. I get no kickbacks. I wish I did this sooner, that’s all. I feel so much better!

    3. If this is completely off, ignore: maybe HRT, since some of your weight gain is caused by surgical menopause?

      1. Unfortunately, I’m not able to take HRT because of a blood clotting disorder. But my GYN said it wouldn’t work for that anyway (I don’t believe her!).

    4. I have experience with Zoloft weight gain, but not with the GLP-1 injectables. The way Zoloft weight gain works, I think the GLP-1 drugs would work just fine for it.

    5. You have to stay on the shots for life to keep the weight off. It’s just an appetite suppresant – your hunger will return without it. When I was in active weight loss mode, I needed 2 shots per week. Now in maintenance mode, I need 1 shot every ~3 weeks.

      1. This isn’t true for everyone. Any weight loss regimen will need some kind of maintenance—even if it’s a continuation of healthy habits gained while taking the shots. No one needs to be on these shots for life. That’s an unnecessary scare tactic. Sometimes they can be a real efffective way to kick start a lifestyle change.

    6. I started with Zepbound because Wegovy (which is covered by my insurance) was not available. Since I have private insurance that would not cover it, I could use the Eli Lilly coupon that brought the price down to about $550 per month. Then Zepbound disappeared and I moved over to Wegovy. Because I had been on Zepbound, I could start at a slightly higher dose than the starter, which helped with availability I have now been taking the drugs for about 10 weeks and have lost 15 of the 30 pounds I want to lose. My side effects are mild. Based on what other people say, I gather than it causes GI distress in people who eat high fat foods or too much at a sitting, but I have not had that problem. My only issue has been that I can really only have one glass of wine with dinner – more and I feel really hung over.

      My weight gain was a perfect storm of menopause, pandemic eating (and wine drinking), and lack of exercise. I am not (and have never been) obese but I went from a generally healthy weight and sometimes needing to give up carbs for a few weeks to lose 10 pounds to skirting the line of obesity. My cholesterol numbers skyrocketed (and I do not tolerate statins well). And honestly, I was just not happy with the way I looked. My current plan is to start stretching my doses out once I hit my goal weight with the hope of being able to stop, but I recognize that a lot of people re-gain so I am prepared to keep taking it if necessary. (It is better than Crestor!)

      My suggestion – go see a doctor and talk to them about it. There is a ridiculous amount of judgment surrounding these drugs, but it is your body and your choice to make after you get more information. My only cautionary note is to ignore the people online who lose 5-10-15 pounds per week. They usually have a lot more weight to lose. If you have less than 50 pounds to take off, losing 1-2 pounds a week is perfectly healthy and reasonable. Also, this may seem obvious, but you still have to watch what and how much you eat. The drugs just make that much easier!

  21. On the subject of the salary hike to be classified as exempt, I make ~$50k and have been an exempt employee for as long as I’ve worked at my current employer (9 years) but in January I’ll be re-classified as non-exempt, unless they give me a huge raise which seems unlikely. Are there any negative implications of this? I know the answer is “ask your HR” but my HR doesn’t seem to know anything, and wasn’t even aware the minimum salary was changing.

    1. How often do you work over 40 hours in a week? And when you do, how many hours is it per week? Check your company’s overtime policy – you’ll need to comply with it going forward if your salary isn’t increased.
      Also, salary is not the only exempt test. You may want to take this time to review and consider whether your position is correctly classified.

      1. Thanks. I basically never work more than 40 hours, so I don’t think my pay will change. I’m a little worried about losing vacation time but my employer seems to group employees by job category as far as leave goes (e.g., clerical vs professional get different amounts of leave) and hopefully I can remain in the “professional” category even if I’m no longer exempt. I’m not even the lowest level in professional so it would be weird if they booted me out.
        I think I meet the exempt test otherwise. I do professional work and have a lot of autonomy/independence.

        1. At my employer, exempt employees earn more generous leave than all but the most senior non-exempt employees. I would ask HR specifically if being classified as FLSA non-exempt will have any affect on leave earnings and use, time reporting, or application of policies or procedures.

  22. Coming here to vent….. I’d been on a few dates with this guy and now I am so thankful that I didn’t accept his invitation to go away with him for the weekend. In our last conversation, he complained about how feminist women are and how they never take accountability, etc. I mentioned that I am a feminist and he starting going on about false accusations and the conversation devolved from there. I ended things but couldn’t help my curiosity and checked his social media….. a good portion of his followed accounts are about red pill, alpha masculinity, dating coach/influencers who claim to help you understand women. It was so gross to scroll through that and see. Thank goodness I dodged that bullet.
    However I also feel hopeless…. I am 31 and I feel like all the good ones are taken. An article I read about the widening gap between men and women’s views on family/gender roles/social issues just cemented that concern. I guess I’ll be an old cat lady…. Still better than being with the wrong man, but goodness that experience scared me. I was in an emotionally abusive before so it was scary to me how this guy came across so nice and didn’t raise any red flags until he started ranting. I fear I’m becoming more bitter about love the more men I meet.

    1. I was in your exact shoes a few months ago. I’m also 31. I spent 4-5 years being single because all the men I met were awful (and I was on/off multiple dating apps as well as tried to meet men in person all those years). I was hopeless and felt many of the sentiments you describe. Then I met a wonderful man on Bumble and we’ve been dating since January. I know it’s not a marriage success story (yet), but I’ve fallen in love with him and he’s such a good man. All this to say, it could happen any time (and trust me, I know how annoying that sounds).

      1. Not sure what OP is referring to, but there was an interesting article in the Economist. Basically, on average, women are more socially progressive and feminist, and men aren’t.

    3. I’m so glad you dodged that bullet!

      I’m almost 39 and at the point where I find dating to be completely pointless and I need to figure out how to be happy on my own.

    5. well if it makes you feel better i think most married men suck as well
      most of the married women i know don’t really have better luck with men they’re just willing to put up with more

      1. That is extremely true. There is stuff that my married friends have to deal with that I would never put up with!

      2. I’m getting divorced in part because I do NOT want my young son to think he can treat his future wife the way his father treats me. The man was lovely when we dated, lovely for years to the friends who set us up, lovely during engagement, and then the mask started coming off a week before the wedding. The crap started in earnest eight months in, but I was pregnant and didn’t want to give up so soon. Five years in, I’m rolling the divorce train.

        Funny thing is, the sheer number of women and (sorry) weak-a$$ men who make excuses for him. My friend’s who are men and, well, MEN, are on the warpath.

    6. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 37, and married him at 42 (after a year of being friends, and just under 4 of dating). He’s 8 years younger than I and he had never had an actual GF as an adult (only puppy love High School stuff and casual dating). He was an incredible “diamond in the rough” find (and not because he was lazy, had addictions or any other negatives, he was just ultra shy, a little odd, and introverted).
      I had to do so much time in “dating jail” I called it and watch every single “good” man turn out to be married, gay, or uninterested in me (or otherwise unsuitable). It was SO hard and demoralizing. I really feel for you.
      However, they are out there. Sometimes it just takes a longer time frame.

    7. I’d rather be an old lady with cats and who’s happy with her life than dating a man like that!

      In all seriousness though, I’m also 34 and single so I know how hard it is to. I’m right there with you! I’m really focusing on making my life *mine* right now and leaning into making it what I want and doing what fills me up. What’s supposed to happen will happen, but in the meantime I am going to live the best life I can and be as happy as possible!

    8. My SIL met her now husband at 32.5, they got married when she was 34.5 and are now expecting a baby. while i admittedly dont know her husband that that well bc we live far away from each other he seems like a super nice guy and the speeches at their wedding by his friends confirmed that (he took care of a friend dying of cancer by letting him live with him so he could stay living near his friends rather than move back home with his parents). I know it is probably so hard to remain hopeful, but you are definitely better off without this guy!

    9. Ugh, so glad you dodged that bullet! In my dating days I definitely mentioned I was a feminist on my profile/during the first date so all the misogynists could rant away into a message I’d promptly delete and block.

      I’m sorry you’re in dating jail. If it makes you feel better (and I totally understand it might not), in my close friends group 5 of us were single in our early 30s. Now, in our late 30s all of us are happily married to great, feminist guys. In the Midwest. They’re out there, there’s just an awful lot of garbage out there too. And totally agree that single is preferably to garbage!

      1. This was my initial approach until a friend advised me that sometimes the sexist jerks prefer to match with a woman like just to have fun bringing her down or manipulating her.
        Like WTF
        So now I don’t list feminism on my profile but make sure I take note of how a man treats women when we spend time together, how he respects (or doesn’t) my boundaries, what he says when the topic of gender equality does come up naturally, etc.
        I’m also open to men who don’t call themselves feminist but behave in ways that respect & support women. Anecdotally, the men I know who take the label are more performance than substance. I don’t know if I that’s the right approach but just sharing.

    10. ugh yuck! I’m glad you found that out early-ish, but that still stinks, esp. since he was able to hide it for a few dates.

      unsolicited advice – I didn’t match with men that didn’t explicitly state they were liberal on their profile. IME, not saying it meant ‘really center/conservative, but I don’t want to filter out all my potential matches!’

      unsolicited happy anecdote – I met my now-fiance online & truly could not be happier with him. Like, did not realize how much I’d settled in past relationships until I knew how good it could be. Great men are out there – but there are also so many terrible husbands – better single than in a miserable relationship.

  23. I read very few books so I’m reluctant to start on something if I’m not sure I will love it. Can anyone who has read a bunch tell me which of the following I should read next? On my potential list of reads are: the Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, Lessons in Chemistry, The Housemaid, the Vanishing Twin, Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, Caste, or Warmth of Other Suns? I have enjoyed Pachinko, Gone Girl, Yellowface, the Crazy Rich Asians series, and everything by Curtis Sittenfeld and Meg Wolitzer. My problem is that I lose interest quickly and don’t finish books before they’re due and then end up never finishing those books…

    1. I feel like if you like Crazy Rich Asians you’ll like the Seven Husbands and Chemistry. Not experienced with the other books on your list.

    2. Not sure how helpful this is, but:

      I really liked Seven Husbands, Gone Girl, Yellowface (if it is possible to both really like a book but absolutely loathe the characters), Crazy Rich Asians, and Prep.

      I HATED Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. So did most of my book club.

      Was meh on Lessons in Chemistry.

        1. T3 is very divisive. LIGHT SPOILERS ALERT: It’s a tad pretentious and there’s a key choice by the author to have a big long passage/section devoted to Character A (a man) deceiving his love interest in an extensive, calculated, and purposeful way long term to be “friends” and be close to her. The book also kills off a very beloved/lovable character. A final complaint is that the characters had a touch of Marty Stu/Mary Sue disease–everything they did or touched turned to gold and even real setbacks didn’t crush them, they float from success to modest set back to mega success after success.
          I personally loved it and cried at multiple points, and thought it was beautiful. But I can 100% see the complaints.
          If you like the TV show Halt and Catch Fire, you will likely like T3–similar thoughtful, humanistic, and arty tone, with similar flawed characters.

          1. This is a good summary. Definitely agree with the comparison to Halt and Catch Fire, though I think you could be annoyed by the book and still like the show, which I highly recommend. I watched it years ago and still think about it all the time.

      2. We have similar taste in books. I disliked T&T&T because (1) it was just too long for how much plot it was covering, and (2) the characters all annoyed me in different ways but not in ways that felt “real” or “relatable”.

    3. Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Tomorrow is one of my favorite books I read last year. I would have never picked it up myself but read it with my book club and everyone loved it.

    4. I liked most of those books, but hated Lessons in Chemistry and thought Caste was way off base. The Warmth of Other Suns was my favorite of your list, long, but kept me completely engrossed. I also really liked Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Tomorrow. I remember liking Seven Husbands but don’t remember anything else about it so it didn’t leave much impression.

      1. In what way was Caste “way off base”? How was it different from Warmth of Other Suns?

        1. Warmer is a history, told through the stories of several families. Caste is an argument that race in America should be seen as a caste system like India and Nazi Germany. It’s interesting, but I don’t really buy it and you can find plenty of well argued critiques from race scholars if you google it.

    5. I’ve read most of your TBR list – they’re well-paced. Seven Husbands and Tomorrow felt a little lighter and might be where you want to start, depending on your mood. I enjoyed The Vanishing Half, but it’s a ‘family epic’ type novel. (Also, I looked up the author to see if she’d published anything new, and she’s written a couple of American Girl books about a girl growing up during the Harlem Renaissance! *heart eyes emoji*). Lessons in Chemistry is also reasonably light, to the point of conscious-suspension-of-disbelief, and has wry humor, but does mention sexual harassment in academia if that’s not your thing. And Caste is nonfiction, just fyi because it jumps out at me from your list.

    6. Can anyone comment on Molokai? Would that book be more engaging/engrossing than the other ones here?

      1. I read it and enjoyed it, but it was a while ago…I think it’s probably less of a page turner than some of the others you listed. A good book, though!

        Have you read the 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle? That is a page turner for sure! I tore through it. It’s suspense/thriller with a huge twist

        1. I really enjoyed that one after buying it accidentally instead of 7 Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.

    7. I’ve read most on this list and recommend Evelyn Hugo for something fun and fast, and Warmth for a deeper, more meaningful, but also deeply enjoyable read.

      1. The other books in the Seven Husbands universe by Taylor Jenkins Reid are excellent too. There are small easter egg overlaps between them, but nothing that you have had to read one to understand the others. Malibu Rising, Daisy Jones & The Six, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and Carrie Soto Is Back are all interconnected. I really like them all, Seven Husbands maybe the most, but also definitely wasn’t expecting to love Carrie Soto as much as I did.

    8. You should read Luster by Raven Leilani. I finished in two days, and I love all the authors and books you mentioned you’ve enjoyed.

    9. Seven Husbands of EH is one of my favorite books of all time. (Fwiw I also really like Curtis Sittenfeld.)

  24. Any Columbia Law grads hanging out here? My step-nephew will be headed there this fall. He’s getting married to his long time girlfriend this summer. They’re both late 20s. She will be able to keep her job and do remote work from NYC.

    Any tips from grads? Any differences in attending law school not right out of college, as a married adult with work experience (not law related) ? Living in NYC? They’re looking at upper west side but open to wherever they can make it work.

    1. Not a Columbia grad specifically. He’ll be on the older side for entering students, which tends to cluster around 22-23 (straight through) or 25-26 (having done 2-3 years in DC or whatever), but by no means weird. There were several late-20s and married students in my class 15 years ago.

      There’s a longstanding joke that law school is akin to high school except everyone’s of legal drinking age. Some truth to that, especially 1L year when people are taking almost all the same classes. He’ll make the best connections with peers if he doesn’t just treat it like a job (aka commute to school for classes but then go home for studying & social life).

      1. As someone who was married and older in law school, one of my biggest regrets is not connecting more socially with my younger classmates. My best friends in law school were also older and married, which was great then and now, and i mostly hung out with them. But now ( 10ish years out) the young classmates have matured and frankly could be professionally useful to me. Not everyone is going to be his cup of tea, of course, but keep an open mind and make an effort to go to social events.

        1. That’s a really good tip, thank you. Both he and his fiancée are social, outgoing people. It makes sense that your law school friends would be important business connections for you for the rest of your career. It has certainly worked that way for me though I’m not a lawyer – I was in an entry level program where they hired “classes” of recent grads and we all became besties & honestly 50% of my network has some connection to one of my first year colleagues.

      2. I went straight through, but lived off campus with my college boyfriend and had a tight social group from college, and I agree with this advice. Treating law school as a ~40 hour per week job and then going home to my “real life” with my boyfriend and college friends was good for my mental health and academics, but I missed out on social connections and don’t have any real friends from law school. I ended up moving across the country after graduation and then leaving the profession entirely, so it’s not so much that I need law school classmates as professional contacts, but I regret not getting to know people more.

    2. i went to Columbia Law, which I am now embarrassed to admit given recent events on campus. Some federal judges have said they will no longer being hiring from there. And the students have asked for exams to be canceled and everyone just given passing grades, so just tell him to steer clear of those students…Anyway, I worked for 2 years prior to law school and got engaged during law school. We lived on UWS. I will say as someone with work experience he is probably better at managing his time than someone right out of college. it is also becoming more and more common for people to take time off. If he treats law school like a job he should be ok. I will say I found it hard to balance my already existing friendships (i had been living in NYC already) and making new friends so I didn’t really make many new close friends in law school, but other people did. There will definitely be other students there who are mid/late 20s.

    3. Went to law school in my 30s, and I was considerably older than the straight-through kids, but I was good friends with many of them. Post-school, geographically we’ve moved all over and I have less in common with them. I’m OK with that–I had a really strong network professionally prior to school and those partners are even more senior (I’m in house.).

      I would say that the part of law school that grated on me most were professors who were trying to “teach us how the real world worked” with stupid punitive policies on grading and weird faux professional things like wearing suits to present oral arguments. It seemed patronizing to those of us who had worked in high pressure environments, but I could see the utility for others.

  25. I like the style of blazer featured here. Has anyone bought the Quince structured linen blazer similar to this and how do you like it?

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