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Thursday’s Workwear Report: High-Waist Wide-Leg Pants

A woman wearing a white top, wide-leg green pants, and beige sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

These wide-leg pants from Nordstrom come in three lovely neutrals, but this “green dune” color is the one that caught my eye first.

I would pair these with a white or ivory top and some comfy flats for a perfect casual Friday outfit. If the green isn’t your thing, but you’re still looking to add some color to your wardrobe, they also come in light blue and light pink.

The pants are $49.97–$99 (sale and full price) at Nordstrom and come in sizes 00–18.

Sales of note for 12.5

303 Comments

  1. I posted yesterday about trying to update my wardrobe/feel a bit more current but having a hard time. Thanks for the helpful responses; one suggestion was to find stylish people on IG. Can you recommend any millennial or older people to follow on IG, preferably who are short/on the shorter side (I’m 5’0 and curvy)?

    1. Hi, you could start with Gwynneth Paltrow; she is not Gen Z, and may not even be a millenial, but she is VERY stylish, and still very pretty, especially for her age. I think she may be younger then me, but she is my go to person for keeping that fresh look! She may not be 5″0, but I would look at her or if you have to Mila Kunis, who is also a role model for me, tho she is not a blond, she has chutzpah!!!!!!

      I have been away on a very big case out of town and just returned in time for the holidays. Myrna wanted me to go to the Hamtons, but I have so many things to catch up on, so I said I would meet her at my Parents, if she wanted a place to stay on her way back from the Hamtons. I hope to be able to see her, tho I have to prepare my post-trial brief and submit it to the court. I am not admitted in Pennsylvania, so I am pro hac vice there and we have a local firm that I must work through but the manageing partner wants me to do the brief. I will have to rely on them for some local cases, but the principals are the same, so I have a canned brief that just needs to be plugged in with the right names, and they can add the citations for Pennsylvania, as this OBVIOUSLY is not a Federal matter.

      Anyway, I wish a happy 4th to the ENTIRE hive! Please be safe and enjoy your weekend as I slave over my MacBook Air!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

    2. Ooh, no help here but I’m going to go back to your older post because same. Add in having been remote for a few years and I feel clueless!

    6. Two Scoops of Style is the one where twins do the “millennial makeover” – they make it seem pretty easy.

  2. Does anyone self-inject biologics at home? What should I consider if I decide to start self-injecting instead of going to the doctor’s office so the nurse can do it? TIA.

    1. My sister self-injects Humira. I haven’t asked her much about it. She has shared that she presses a button (not a typical syringe) and alternates between a few injection spots.

    2. I’m not sure if it’s a “biologic” but I self-inject the migraine med Ajovy every four weeks at home. I am someone who hates needles, but I honestly don’t mind to do it myself.
      – I use an auto-injector, so I don’t have to physically plunge the needle into myself, which helps a lot. The auto-injector is a bit like an epi-pen. Press it into the skin, it clicks when the needle deploys, then clicks again when it’s done.
      – I ice the area for 15 minutes before I inject so it hurts less, but this may be specific to my drug, which is a painful injection.
      – I find it way more convenient to do the injection myself than having to go to the doctor every single month.
      If you have any specific questions, ask away!

    4. I’ve had multiple family members self inject biologics, and one even did an infusion at home.

      The time/convenience factor can’t be beat. Feels a little scary at first. Once we did it with an RN present for support/advice, and then they did it on their own.

      Understanding the possible allergic reactions (we kept epi pens at home), and making sure we kept all of the necessary supplies ordered at home etc.. was a little bit extra to manage.

      Just so convenient to manage at home.

    5. some ar easier than others. Cimzia has a very thick needle that I really struggled with but the enbrel auto injector was easy. so think about the mechanism

    6. We inject my daughter’s Stelara at home. Upsides: way more convenient bc we don’t have to make an appointment. Downsides: when we did it at the doctor’s office, we got the syringes shipped directly to them from the specialty pharmacy and now we have to deal with making sure they get shipped to our house at a time when we’ll be home to receive them.

      Have you given yourself shots before, and is your medication a pen or a prefilled syringe? If not, it’s much easier to do than you’d think it would be (and I’m not just saying that bc I’m the mom; I’ve had to inject myself with fertility drugs before and it truly was easier than I thought). The syringes look a bit scarier than a pen does, so there’s a mental hurdle, but it ended up being fine.

    7. I don’t know what a biologic is, but I self-inject my B12. The needles are small and it’s easy peasy IMO. I jumped at doing it at home when I found out I could!

      My friend does a bunch of meds at home too – for her migraines, also B12, and some other things. Her husband injects her most of the time, but she can do it herself if she has to (it’s a preference vs a need). It’s much easier for her to do at home schedule wise!

    9. I do it. I find it to be no big deal and it would be a huge PITA for me to go to the doc every time. If your drug is from a place like Abbvie they have a nurse ambassador program, and you can get a nurse to walk you through your first few injections at home. There’s an app for mine and I use that to track the date, time, and batch number.

      You can do this!!

  3. What retinol do you recommend for a newbie? I posted late yesterday about whiteheads in my nose crease, and someone suggested it for acne and anti-aging. I’m late 30s and never used retinol, so I appreciate tips and guidance!

    1. If you don’t want to go to a derm, I really liked Help Me from philosophy when I started using.

    2. I read your post late yesterday, and though this is not what you asked for, and nor do use retinol, I experience whiteheads there too occasionally, and what seems to work is a product from avene called clearance comedome. It is marketed for various blemishes. I received it as a sample, and so far it works. I use it at night, and in the morning, I cleanse with a gentle cleanser, and then may add lactic acid from the ordinary to the whitehead. It works all right, though I only need it once a month, so I’m not sure if this will apply in your case.

    5. Adapalene gel, which is available OTC with no prescription, has been proven to be as effective as prescription retinoids when used correctly on a regular schedule, and adapalene tends to be less irritating than tretinoin. Differin gel is adapalene, but I use the Acne Free brand and it’s very effective for me. I recommend that when you’re starting out with a retinoid you “buffer” – use a simple, basic moisturizer on your face, let it soak in, and then apply the retinoid. Otherwise you may end up with more irritation and peeling than is comfortable to live with. Over time, your skin will adjust and you may not need to buffer.

      Remember, if you start using retinoids you absolutely must use sunscreen every single day, at least SPF 30. You can end up with worse problems (like patchy discoloration – or skin cancer) than you started with if you skip sunscreen while using retinoids. I try to avoid the sun where/when I can and wear hats and SPF 50 if I can’t.

    6. I buy prescription-strength from Nurx. It was very easy– I took some photos of my face and sent that along with basic medical info– and inexpensive, about $30/month.

    7. I have sensitive skin so I started with the Cerave Resurfacing Retinol Serum – I like it a lot. I started with every other day until my skin got comfy with it.

    8. I use and love Replenix Retinol 5x Regenerate Dry Serum. Buy it on their website. I always wait for sales/promo codes.

    9. Medik8, they have different types depending if you are a newbie as you or you have been using for a while.

    11. I use a tretinoin mix from Curology. It’s easy, it’s the real stuff, and it’s inexpensive. OTC Retinol takes 6 months to convert to retinoic acid in your skin. Why not just go ahead with a low dose of the real stuff? Curology will start you on the lowest dose and have you use it only a few times a week at first to get acclimated.

      1. I never could get adjusted to Curology tretinoin; I used it for a year and never stopped peeling, even when I buffered. I asked for a different formulation after the first six months and they took out the azelaic acid but it didn’t solve the issue.

        1. I just can’t tolerate tretinoin; I have to go with retinaldehyde. Wish it were cheaper.

  4. Paging Senior Attorney – I would love to hear more about your planned train trip! I’d like to take my parents on a bucket-list train trip someday and am looking for options.

    1. A Canadian train trip through the mountains is one of those once in a lifetime experiences… I thought about doing it with my parents too, but I waited too late until they weren’t healthy enough to manage it.

    2. My parents did a train trip in Canada on Rocky Mountaineer. They really enjoyed it and said the food was great.

    4. Vicky (or anybody else who is interested), email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail and I will send you our itinerary. I will warn you the one we are doing is eye-wateringly expensive, but the contact info for the train-specialist travel agent is there and he has done several trips for us and is really good.

      For everybody else, basically we are starting in Vancouver and doing the Rocky Mountaineer to Kaloomps, Banff, and Jasaper. Hotel stops and land excursions at each place. From there, we are taking the “Canadian Train” for a two-night train ride to Toronto, where we will stay for a couple of days with various outings. From there, the VIA Rail Corridor to Montreal, where we stay two nights before continuing to Quebec City for three nights. From there, sleeper on the VIA Rail to Halifax, where we stay for a few days and then fly home. It really is a bucket-list trip and we will be celebrating my Medicare birthday and my retirement. Can’t wait!!

  5. The first thing that popped into my mind was from that odd poster a few weeks ago. The model is wearing “sexy sandals” that would tempt schizophrenics. I hope she isn’t a therapist!

    1. I don’t think it was a she; I think it was a man who pretended to be the sister.

    2. There’s no need to bring this up other than to stir the pot/trigger another argument. Really think about why you’d want to do this. You don’t need to post everything that you think about.

        2. I posted it as a joke because I did get a laugh out of seeing the sandals and thought others might too…

      1. Well as a therapist (psychologist/psychoanalyst) I would like to add, “sometimes yes, sometimes no”

  6. I have a family member who is single, childless, mid 40’s and has been struggling with depression for at least the last 20 years. I think she distorts reality and tells her therapists and life coaches her version so she doesn’t get the help she needs. For example, she tells them her family isn’t supportive when we all have tried texting, calling and spending time with her but it’s never enough. We all have our own lives (children, partners, jobs, etc). She is also mean and lashes out when we try to communicate with her. We can’t be there for her 24/7. It has become incredibly emotionally draining on every other family member. I think the next step is in patient treatment at a facility. Has anyone had experience with something like this?

    1. Back way up. Why do you think you’re qualified to assess whether or lot she needs in-patient treatment, and if she doesn’t want to go, are you going to attempt to force her?

      1. Yeah, I agree. You need to set boundaries and maybe talk with your own therapist about strategies (and maybe why you engage in this cycle – I’ve been there, done that!). You cannot make her change.

    3. I’m not really seeing how you’re making the jump to in patient treatment? But if you don’t have a relationship with her you’re not going to be able to make that happen and you need to mind your own boundaries.

      1. Because we have tried everything else and nothing works. I do have a relationship with her, as much as one can with some suffering from severe mental illness who they don’t live with.

        1. Just because you have lost patience with a family member, it doesn’t mean they warrant inpatient psychiatric care.

          Is she having thoughts of killing herself? Hurting someone else in your family? Is she wildly psychotic and running out in the streets and threatening people? If not, there is no way she would get admitted to an inpatient facility.

          Many (most?) people lie to their therapists. And how do you know what is actually going on there? You don’t.

          Some people just can’t be fixed to improve your quality of life. Try to step back, figure out your own boundaries, and give her some grace.

          You never really know what someone else is going through. Mental illness can also be incredibly difficult to treat.

          Look for the NAMI family support group in your area. You and your family members should check it out. It is a good place to vent and figure out ways to help.

          2. I don’t think there is anything else we can do and it does seem like giving up is the only other option, which is tough. Do you just let someone be miserable for the rest of their lives and cut them off?

          3. You accept the person for who they are and you stop trying to “fix” them. You get to decide if you want to spend time with her. You don’t get to decide how she views you or anyone else.

          4. It’s unclear from your original post, but I’m not sure why the only options are to force someone to get inpatient care (not sure if the person wants/needs that…) or cut them off. Is there a middle ground where you have your own boundaries and enforce those? Like spending X amount of time with the person, or only doing certain activities?

            It sounds like you’re in a difficult place. I’ve certainly had people in my life who felt needy, for lack of a better word, and it drained me. I came to realize that my relationship with those people was a lot better and less draining when I had some self care before and after visits and had boundaries for my own mental and emotional health.

          5. Big +1 to everything 10:34 said.
            Forcing someone to go inpatient who doesn’t want to go will be a very expensive waste of time, unfortunately.

          6. I’ve done the middle ground for quite some time. Seeing her at family events and holidays, reaching out to her when I can so she doesn’t feel lonely, offering to get together, etc. A lot of this is at the request of other family members who seem to want to place the burden on everyone to take care of this family member and I can’t exactly cut them all off without cutting off my entire family, which I’m not willing to do. This has been something that we have been dealing with for nearly 20 years and she is still barely keeping it together. She has no friends, no hobbies or activities, complains she lonely, etc. Voluntary inpatient treatment was the only other thing I could think of or just ignoring the entire situation.

          7. You can suggest this to her (but be aware it may make the situation even more tense and uncomfortable – after all, she might not be receptive) but in no way can you force someone to go to inpatient treatment without cause like threat to self or others. Your best bet here is to focus on yourself and your own boundaries, that is all that is within the realm of your agency.

          8. At the end of the day, you can’t force them to do what they don’t want to do. Mental illness or not. Like others have said, you need to set boundaries with ALL of the family members involved for various reasons and do not take this on as your personal burden to shoulder.

          9. So what I’m hearing in your comments is that you’re carrying a lot of the burden of dealing with this person and that you have a lot of grief over what has become of the life of someone you care about. Unless she is a danger to herself or others, inpatient treatment will have to be voluntary. If she’s not willing to do that, unfortunately the best thing that you can do is set boundaries for yourself in terms of how much support you will give, boundaries with her in terms of how you interact with each other, and boundaries with family members who are pushing this to you. It is awful and hard, and you will feel like a jerk doing it, but it’s all that you can do.

          10. You can’t force someone to get inpatient care because they do things that you don’t like. That’s wildly inappropriate.

          12. “Many (most?) people lie to their therapists.”

            Flip side: many do not and it’s awful to have a therapist assume you are lying. I had one who incessantly played “gotcha” with me, who explicitly said she never considered that I was telling the truth, and kicking her to the curb was ultimately beneficial to my sanity.

            SOME people lie to their therapists.

          13. Ugh. That’s terrible.

            I remember when I was a shy, never had a boyfriend student and the student health doctor didn’t believe me when I said I had never “gardened”. She kept trying to trick me/ask questions in a way to get me to admit that I had (?). And let me tell you that pelvic exam she gave me was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

        2. But “we” don’t have a mental health issue. She does. And unless she is a threat to herself or others you cannot commit her. And sounds like she’s not open to discussing treatment with you.

    4. I don’t have advice but just wanted to say that I know how hard it is. My sister has a personality disorder and a young child and swings wildly from seeming fine and lucid (she’s insightful and funny and I miss that) to having delusions of persecution, grandeur etc. It’s really hard. I think after this week I am finally done. it makes me really sad but we have all tried everything for twenty years and nothing works and I am not coping well with the abuse and aggression. I am finally going to look up that support group recommended here.

      1. Solidarity. My sister is bipolar. I have kids that love her to bits but every once in a while she has some WTF behavior. DH and I have been talking about when / if it’s appropriate to share with them what’s going on with my sister. They are starting to see it as they get older (8-11).

      2. I lost my best childhood friend when she developed a personality disorder. It was like the person I knew died.

        1. Similar experience. My best friend of 20 years let her bipolar disorder medication prescription lapse during the pandemic, and then decided she “didn’t need” to be on it any more. I had never known her before she was on meds, and off meds, she became this very negative, scattered, erratic person who would lash out at others for no reason, flake out on plans at the last minute and then blame me for not reminding her, etc. It became incredibly difficult to be around her. I also feel like the person I knew and was friends with for years died. I am trying to support her from a distance, as much as she will allow me to (and I can tolerate), but I can’t force her to get back on her meds. So the interactions are going to be limited from here forward, unless she can agree to get help.

      3. My sister is the same and has refused to speak to any sibling or parent for years now. We don’t know how much of it is that she believes her own tales at this point or that she has told so many falsehoods about how she was abused and mistreated to her new husband that she can’t risk us getting to know him and him realizing she has serious issues.

    5. Does she have a psychiatrist?
      Is she taking medications?

      If not, why not?

      The only thing I might do, if she states she is unhappy and wants things to be better, is suggest that it may be time to see a new doctor and/or therapist. That is a huge change, actually. You can tell her that treatments/approaches have changed over the years, sometimes fresh/new/young eyes can have ideas that are worth learning and trying.

      And I think it is lovely if the family doesn’t abandon her, and instead takes turns spending time with her, and tries to just plan simple things with her. A walk outside. A trip to get something tasty to eat. Listening to music on the front porch. Looking at a photo album and laughing at old stories. No trying to fix anything. Just be with her. With no judgment. Relaxing. So that she learns she has value, and is worth just being with.

      1. +1, my sister told her mental health team she was estranged from her family when she was receiving financial support from us, spoke with one of us weekly, saw another monthly and had the usual holiday events with us. We just kept up with the schedule. I did the visits and we did really low key things like picnics in the nearby park, frozen yogurt runs, etc. You can’t fix her but you can collectively provide a tether to the outside world.

    6. Have you looked at this from her perspective? When she says family isn’t being supportive, what does she actually want or need? Does she want the calls/texts/visits, or something else? You say she is mean and lashes out (certainly how it seems from your perspective), but it sounds like she is miserable and that’s often how miserable people behave – it’s the depression talking. Are there treatment options she hasn’t explored yet (different medication, different kinds of therapy, etc.) that are not inpatient treatment? Have you or another family member had this discussion with her (ask what she needs from you all, ask if her doctors are considering other treatments, ask if she’d like someone to advocate for some changes if not, tell her you understand that depression is making her miserable but also it’s really hard on the family)? Treatment resistant depression is definitely a thing, but is there a possibility that she’s been misdiagnosed? Is anyone in the family advocating for a re-analysis, or is that what the inpatient treatment would hopefully accomplish? I guess what I’m saying is that this all sounds very hard, but it also sounds like it’s time for a change in direction and maybe for someone new to take up the advocate role.

    7. You need to accept that you can’t change this person and maybe they will be miserable for the rest of their life, and decide how you want to engage with them and what’s healthy for you. If other family are pestering you to do more, you need to figure out how to either push back or just say okay and then not do it. It sounds very sad, and I’m sorry.

      1. +1 – also since OP opens with “single, childless and mid-40s” perhaps her cousin is reading the room right and seeing a lack of support from her family members with “real lives” that include “children, partners, jobs, etc.”

        2. Agree with this take. All brains work differently! Maybe she thinks you’re miserable and dismissive, and she pities you? Just, like, acknowledge that this is possible, even if you don’t think it’s reasonable. The confident objectivity here is a bit much.

    9. The next step is creating some distance. If she lashes out when you communicate, don’t communicate.

      How do you even know what she tells her therapist?

    10. “I think the next step is in patient treatment at a facility.”

      My god, no. First, this isn’t your call to make. Second, involuntary inpatient treatment is appropriate when someone simply has persistent depression, even if severe. I can’t even imagine that she would be placed into involuntary treatment simply because she had persistent depression and her family didn’t know how else to help her. She needs to be at a serious risk of hurting herself or others.

      Inpatient care is critical when necessary, but also very disruptive to your life. (I have had inpatient psychiatric treatment.) It is also very expensive, even with insurance. It is also not a cure-all, especially when the patient isn’t on board with it.

      Your solution to your feelings of being overburdened are to learn how to set better boundaries (maybe with the help of a therapist), not to get your sister committed.

    11. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s hard to watch people self-destruct. I don’t know if you read the “Mr. Fix Me” comment a few days ago but that post, and this, both stuck with me because they describe a close family member very well. I think you setting some more boundaries would do both of you good. From the outside I would guess that she needs more pressure on her to make changes, not less. The more you do for her the less she feels pressure to change. It’s a huge burden on you, from your description. You can not help someone who does not want help. But you can do a lot of things in this world with the energy you are now spending on your cousin.

  7. I recently became friends with a friend of a friend and now we all three hang out regularly- every other weekend, and are appreciative of how lucky we are to form a meaningful friendship connection in our mid- late 30s.

    As new friends, the friend of a friend has invited me to her birthday party at a local bar where there’ll be live music. Nothing fancy, just a group of us girls and music.

    What would you get a new friend who you have become intimately (non sexual- ofcourse) acquainted with? She is into spirituality (not religion), running, gardening, travel.

    1. If you’re sure a gift is warranted, what about a pair of Goodr sunglasses? They are seriously great for running (coated in something so they don’t slip around when you sweat!).

    2. My circle doesn’t really do gifts for this, so maybe check with your mutual friend.

      When I do bring gifts for friends, I usually just do a bottle of wine.

      1. This. We rarely get birthday gifts and when we did, years ago, it was generally a bottle of wine or something small.

      2. I agree, especially when the party is at a bar. If you want to bring something, I would do a card with a gift certificate for a mani / pedi if she likes that sort of thing. That way she isn’t stuck with a physical gift while you are out – she can easily just stash it in her purse.

        1. +1 if I’m having a party at a bar I would actually prefer you did not even bring me a bottle of wine. I don’t really want to keep track of it and feel guilty the next day when I inevitably leave it there. Please just buy me a drink and call it a day.

          1. The problem with bringing wine into a bar is that some bars would prohibit it (even if you do not open it).

    3. A card? Do people really do presents when they are older?

      If you feel the need to get a physical gift, I would go with Feetures or Balega socks, a sample package of running nutrition/hydration from Skratch or LMNT, or a fancy consumable.

      1. Yes lots of people exchange presents with people in their lives, hence the question.

        Just because someone is not doing life exactly how you and your friends are doesn’t mean they are dumb.

      2. Yes, it’s actually a lot more fun when you’re older and a way to inject joy into someone’s day.

    6. I would buy her a drink and that’s it! She’s a new friend don’t throw your whole heart into it.

    7. My friends and I usually exchange something small. We have similar tastes so it might be something like a fancy bottle of wine I think they’ll like or they’ll give me a cute pair of earrings that made them think of me. It’s more about being thoughtful than being lavish.

      1. Same with my friends, we’ve often gone the makeup route – great mascara, fun lip color, etc. For a party out, something small that fits in a purse and doesn’t go OTT cost wise.

    8. I would pitch in to pay for your new friend at the outing, and that’s it! If you want, get her a nice card and tell her that you really enjoy your friendship with her and are to have met such a great/fun/interesting buddy at this stage of life!

      You don’t want to the be the one outlier that brings a gift when no one else does. You could check with your other friend about what she is doing.

      I’m a gift giver, and am often the outlier (!), and have decided I need to step back. It sometimes makes people uncomfortable, feel obligated etc.. and sometimes you get it wrong.

      So a card, possibly a very small / token gift, is plenty if you feel like you must.

      1. I agree with all this, down to sometimes awkwardly bringing a gift when no one else does. This would be a perfect opportunity to contact the mutual friend and say that this is your first birthday with New Friend, and you’re wondering if they normally exchange small gifts.

        Like this poster, I’d write a really heartfelt card, which is often what people treasure the most anyway if mutual friend confirmed that they don’t give gifts. And chip in for the night out, of course. In my group, people don’t pay for their own birthday dinners/drinks/etc!

      2. I’ve also decided to step back on the gift giving and in fact have decided to step back on the birthday lunch/dinner planning. I’m happy to do a one on one, but I’m done that that thankless job.

    9. Do you have any fun pictures of the three of you? Card with a picture, and maybe a tiny thing in the envelope, like a couple of fun or novelty flavor running gels or bars?

    13. What i would do in your position is contact your local florist and send a plant to her house the day of the party. Or drop by and leave it on her doorstep with a note. Then you don’t have to juggle something to the bar, but still recognize the day. Then if her group isn’t gift people, you aren’t making it weird, but if they are it doesn’t look like you did it as an afterthought.

      I like flowers and plants for people who like those things and its a grey gifting situation. Since she likes gardening, I’d go the plant route.

    14. Something that can fit in a small purse, like a nice nail polish that you stick a bow on. Also that way if it’s not really a gifting affair you can just keep it for yourself in your purse and no one will know! Definitely not something that would be big and have to be toted around if she goes somewhere else after.

    18. this has surprisingly been a hit in our mid-30s: a card, and sometimes a small bar of chocolate or a nice 2 or 3in water bottle type sticker that fits their interests. i like going with chocolate since some of my circle is sober and chocolate is easier to stash in a purse, but chocolate also melts so ymmv. stickers have surprisingly been a hit with most of my mid-30s friends, even if they don’t use it, it’s easy to pass onto their own kids or nibling who will love getting a “fancy” sticker.

    19. OP here.

      Thank you ladies for your generous suggestions. I think I am a natural gift giver so it never struck me that someone could find it weird. Upon your wise counsel, I shall do a card with a gift of words :)))

    20. I just went to one of these parties and not everybody brought a gift, but everybody who did, brought a bottle of wine or champagne (which was not opened at the bar).

    21. Nothing! I’ve always felt weird when people bring gifts to my birthday gatherings, which are always low key. I’m an adult, I don’t need presents from anyone except my immediate family.

  8. Resources for plotting a gallery wall of family photos on stairs? We just repainted and I’d like to rethink how we decorate that area. I’d like to mix sizes and frame colors because there are some items already framed in silver or black frames, but much of what I see online is a bunch of equally sized square photos with large mats and that’s not what I’m looking for. Unless what I have in mind is going to look really bad?

    1. Houzz? Also, don’t stress about this too much. My bff has taken our family photos for six years. When we moved to our new house, I went to Target, bought six of the same frame and just hung the photos up. It doesn’t look like a decorator did it, but I’ll be damned if those photos don’t make me smile every time I walk by them.

    2. Assume you are looking on pinterest? I just did a search on family photo gallery and found some that mixed frames/sizes. My biggest advice is to get some large paper you can cut into your frame sizes and map it out with painters tape. Also google wall display templates or layouts and you will start to see different ideas for how people place the different shapes. Good luck!

    3. I think a gallery wall looks most polished and put together when all the frames are the same.

      1. Different strokes for differnt folks. I think different frames and a mix of styles (some photos, some art, etc.) looks much more high end.

  9. Any recommendations for an elder law attorney in Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN (and preferably east metro)? Here is the issue I am trying to solve:

    I am power of attorney and the medical directive person for both my mother and father. My father is mentally sharp and has moved to hospice care (he is dying from complications of Covid). My father was the caretaker for my mother, who has memory loss. Mom is in assisted living and will someday need memory care.

    I have done about eight months of unpaid intensive caretaking since they got Covid last fall. That’s okay with me. But before my father dies I want to establish an agreement to get paid for future caretaking for my mother, e.g., handling all her bills, placing online orders for household items, and dealing with her doctors as needed. My father is on board with this plan.

    The person who does my taxes says we can make a contract specifying that, for example, the first $15K of care provided in each calendar year will be compensated as a gift, and any amount beyond $15K will be treated as a 1099 situation (where I am a contractor). We like this approach. But could this approach create problems if mom someday needs to qualify for Medicaid, because Medicaid does a look-back checking for gifts? In other words, as long as we have a contract and supporting records showing the details of care provided for the gifts, is this plan legit? We know mom can’t treat the gifts as a medical expense.

    1. That is a great question. I was wondering the same exact thing. I also took care of my parents intensively for a long time, and had to stop working for a long period to take care of them. I lived with them and did all of the hands-on daily care and all financial/home/medical management. At one point, my parent wanted to start paying me, but ultimately I refused because I was worried about what you discuss. And in the end, I decided I would survive financially without going down this road, and the most important thing was the money being available for my parents care, to delay Medicaid as long as possible.

      If your goal is to try to preserve some of your parents’ funds so that you will have a slush fund to help them with additional expenses once they are on Medicaid, I definitely sympathize with that. I agree with your plan to see an Elder Care attorney. You need a good contract. And you will need to document the h3ll out of the care you are giving. I was told… daily logs… time/miles driven/tasks managed/hands on care given etc.. so that if/when Medicaid does a look-back there is no chance there will be any questions.

      But I’ll be honest – I have been in the caregiver/medical world for a long time, and I have never heard of a family member getting paid in this way you describe for just doing online bill pay/online ordering/phone stuff with doctors. That’s kinda the easy stuff! I’m kidding …. a little…. kind of….. I mean, most of us wind up doing this for our family members at some point and never get paid for it. Medicaid look-back might be more sympathetic if they were living with you and you were doing hands on care, especially if you were not working otherwise. But I can’t imagine how that should come to anywhere near $15k value (the gift alone) for just long distance caregiving without causing Medicaid to raise an eyebrow. To put in in perspective, we were talking about paying me $40k per year, and I was 24hr a day live in care for my parents. You don’t get paid lawyer rates for doing caregiving.

      So talk to a lawyer to get their perspective. They will let you know. I would recommend looking for someone who is a member/certified by the National Elder Law Foundation, unless you can find a rec here.

      1. And I really recommend they be an Elder Care attorney, because they need to be an expert to negotiating with Medicaid in your state. Most family law attorneys are not experienced with this.

    3. You need an elder care attorney. I hired one (not a rec for you since I’m in CA) and her advice was invaluable.

      Sorry to hear about your dad.

    4. Chestnut & Cambrone or Guttman. I believe Guttman taught Elder Law when I went to Law School, but I simply cannot remember.

  10. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The next few weeks are going to be filled with another biopsy, an MRI, doctor appointments, and probably surgery. This is beyond anything I’ve navigated personally or professionally. I am pretty open about things and there is no shame in what I am dealing with, so I want co-workers to know because of my scheduling issues, but that seems like over-sharing. I was thinking of telling my supervisor and one other person who I am working with closely on a project. Thoughts?

    Also, if anyone has any tips about dealing with this, I’d love to hear. I am journaling to get feelings out and I declined my doctor’s offer of Xanax. But wondering whether it might be a good idea for the MRI.

    1. I’m so sorry that you are going through this but glad it is getting as dressed. My BigLaw admin went through this last year. To the general office, she said that she had cancer (but not the type) and when she would likely be in and out and taking WFH days and time off. It went well for her treatment and well in terms of managing workloads. She shared more with some people than others.

    2. Get the Xanax. If I was your boss, I’d do everything I could to support you and take work stress off your mind. If you work for someone decent, I’d definitely let them know. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, sending you all the virtual hugs.

      1. Get the Xanax! You don’t have to take it, but having it on hand if you need it can be a huge relief.

    3. I just want to say I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m at a higher risk and so I get screened more but I’m always wondering a little bit of ‘what if’. I have a little trouble breathing with the face down MRI. Xanax probably isn’t the worst idea. I hope your provider can refer you to support resources and I might consider a therapist to help through feeling. With regards to telling people I would probably just tell my boss the specifics but everyone else, just ‘a medical issue.’ People will want to be supportive but they can also get weird. And don’t feel bad at all about taking the time you need and not worrying about the scheduling. This is the most important thing right now. I also really like Kate bowlers writing and podcast (she’s Christian but the material is not overly so ) had stage 4 cancer in her late 30s I think. Sending much love!

    4. I’m so sorry about the diagnosis. I hope they caught it early and that you’ll be able to go through treatment and put it behind you.

      There are commercials now on TV encouraging everyone to be supportive of coworkers with cancer, because it happens to so many people. I personally believe that we need to be more open about dealing with things like cancer or chronic illness at work, because if we keep it hidden, we will not push the conversation forward to a place of understanding and people giving grace. I have worked with several people who had different types of cancer, and when people shared what they were dealing with, folks were supportive and understanding. A close coworker got breast cancer a few years ago and several of us rearranged our workloads so she could go to a neighboring state for treatment for a few weeks and we were happy to do so; she got her treatment and came back and resumed duties and is still cancer-free, which was the outcome we were all hoping for. I realize it may not be like that in all workplaces. But if you feel like people you work with would be supportive, go ahead and tell them. We need to take the shame/stigma out of people getting cancer; so many of us will get it at one time or another in our lives, and people have to keep working while they’re being treated because of health-insurance needs.

      In terms of dealing with it – get the Xanax if you think it will help, with the MRI or otherwise. My mom was diagnosed in 2017 and she found that meditating and long walks helped her more than things like support groups or doing too much internet research. She had a great treatment team and she listened to them and trusted their judgement, and she feels they steered her in the right direction, as she is cancer-free and has been since her lumpectomy/node removal. Everyone finds their own path through this experience, so do what you feel is most helpful for you. When you find out what kind of surgery you’re going to have, please post back as some of us may have tips about that. My mom had a lumpectomy with a reduction on her other breast because they were going to take so much tissue out around her tumor – she was offered reconstruction, but declined. Her cosmetic result was decent and her recovery process was mostly uncomplicated. Happy to share more as you progress through this.

      Big hugs. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

    5. Big hugs! The only advice I have is to ask for a blindfold for the MRI – it can help keep you from feeling claustrophobic. And lookup MRI sounds in advance so you know what to expect – they are really, really weird.

    6. One of my good work friends has just completed breast cancer treatment at 37. She was fairly open at work about what she was going through, and we were grateful to know so we could support her. If there are people you feel the urge to tell, let them know – and also let them know if it’s okay to tell others. My friend was at first kind of nervous about oversharing beyond a small circle, but I let her know that multiple people were concerned (not annoyed, but truly concerned) about why she’d been out so much. She okay’d me telling anyone like that, and I was happy to do it so she didn’t have the burden of spreading the news but could benefit from the support.

      Also, I hope that all goes well with you and very glad it was identified so you can get treatment.

    7. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope your treatments go as smoothly as possible.

      I’ve not had a cancer diagnosis, but I will say that during tough times in my life (death of a close family member), people around me showed incredible grace. They checked in on me, took care of work stuff, etc. I truly believe that most people will give you that same kindness. It’s hard to ask for, but I think it’s the best part of what makes us human.

    8. I haven’t had an MRI but if they are suggesting it, I would take it. It won’t give you any long term impacts and will help take the edge off to get through the procedure.

      Sending you positive vibes! I am so sorry you have to deal with this – please keep us posted.

    9. I’m sorry to hear about this news. It is a lot.

      I like your strategy of telling your supervisor and the co-worker you work closely with. It is great to have support and flexibility at work. Have a low threshold for taking the time you need, particularly if you have good benefits.

      I am also a big fan of sharing this info with people you respect and trust (friends/family even work colleagues), because at this early stage getting advice from others who went through the same thing can be really valuable. So many people have a family member/close friend who has been through this, and nothing is better than getting a respected friend’s recommendation for a good doctor. Deciding which oncologist and surgeon will be managing your care is the most important decision right now. Find the biggest Cancer Center near you and you’d like to find the person who sees everyone with breast cancer. Ideally at the hospital that does the most clinical trials/research. Don’t just accept the doctor your primary care doctor sends you to, or the radiologist who read your mammogram sent you to, unless others confirm this is the right person.

      It is also great to get 2nd opinions and/or change doctors along the way. People do it all the time.

      The treatments for breast cancer are just exploding and getting better and better. If you are in a good place, they should be sending your biopsy for extensive genetic genomic testing and using that to guide the best possible treatments. You can do super well with treatment.

      And for the MRI, if you know they have been uncomfortable for you in the past, Xanax sounds great. Just make sure someone takes you to the MRI, in case the Xanax wipes you out and you don’t feel up to driving safely after taking it. But I’d hold off on a big prescription for Xanax at home, if you can. If you feel like your anxiety is getting too hard to control, check in with the psychiatrist who works with the cancer center patients for advice.

      But I’m a huge fan of support groups with other young women with breast cancer going through treatment right now. Hopefully you are in a big city/hospital system that has this. Also, have a low threshold for telling your doctor if you are getting anxious/depressed and getting help with treatments sooner rather than later. Think about trying any simple activities that are wonderful for attention/relaxation/body wellness – yoga, walking outside, mindfulness etc.. They will help you sleep, give you energy, improve your tolerance of discomfort, help your mood and make you happier.

      Good luck. Come back and tell us how you are doing.

    10. I’m so sorry to hear this. Please keep us posted.
      I did not have breast cancer, so ymmv, but with lymphoma I found the times prior to treatment and after treatment the worst mentally. So you’re in a potentially hard period now while you get staged and figure out a treatment plan and decide whether you need to look at fertility preservation (if chemo) etc, and you should also have a plan for mental health support after treatment. During treatment, there was less uncertainty (i.e., I knew what I needed to do), which was easier mentally. That said, it was hard, and leaning into palliative care (acupuncture, reiki, counseling, PT) really helped. I had to take disability leave and return with an accommodation for a few months, because my treatment required multiple multi-day hospitalizations. That may not be true for you, but make sure to avail yourself of what you need and is available. Colleagues and neighbors arranged a meal train, and it was a huge help, especially since we had a very young child at home, but I think that’s true even without a baby.

      Coach Laura told me to look for Facebook groups for my general cancer and specific variant, and she was right. They were a hugely supportive lifeline. So we’re the many ‘Rettes here who have had unfortunate experience with cancer.

      All the best for you. We’re rooting for you.

      1. Oh, and if something feels wrong, call the nurse’s line. They are really happy to tell you things are fine 9 times out of 10, because in that tenth case they may be keeping you out of the emergency room. Chemo, rads, and surgery all have different side effects and risks, and I only know the ones from chemo intimately, but I assumed I was just supposed to feel like crap. I let that go too long and ended up in the ER for a medication reaction, dehydration, and severely low potassium. In many cases, you’re not actually supposed to feel that much like crap, and you want to check.

        1. This is great advice.

          Always call. Pump the nurses for advice.

          Honestly, you just shouldn’t feel nausea, or pain, or severe fatigue, or just like crap. If you do, keep asking for more help. There are many things that can be done, and the doctors are often negligent in managing the day to day quality of life symptoms. So find the nurses/primary care doctor/cancer support groups/psychiatrist etc.. and ask all for advice.

    11. No advice for you, but many hugs, and as Curious said, please lean on this community and keep us posted – we’re rooting for you.

    12. First, sucks, sending hugs and hoping for the best on your treatment plan.
      Telling people—I told my boss early but not really anyone else early. I worked from home mostly during the test phase. My office is a cube farm, and there were many calls to schedule the test, to schedule a follow up appointment, to talk to insurance, etc. Many times the cancer center and testing center would call out of the blue and I needed to talk right away. I did not feel I could manage that from the office.
      Every test felt like it led to more tests. The MRI led to 2 more biopsies. Even telling my boss anything meant then he asked questions that I couldn’t answer. That got frustrating.
      When I was done with testing and had a treatment plan, I told coworkers. I didn’t have chemo, but had surgery and radiation. I told coworkers a week before surgery. I took a week off (2lumpectomies and a bunch of nodes), and wish I had taken more time.
      Radiation was 20 business days. I scheduled almost all of them for around 7:45/8am, and worked from home throughout that period as well.
      Give yourself some grace. This is such a mentally and physically exhausting period. I leaned out at work (and my office was very supportive) and took care of myself.

    13. Hi LawDawg – I went through this at 39. I’m about 4 years out now. Also a lawyer. You are absolutely in the worst part of it right now. The moment between diagnosis and surgery was occasionally debilitating. No one offered me xanax, but I would have taken it if they had.

      For me, I called a meeting of my closest associate and one of my partners who I work collaboratively with, we had lunch brought in to a conference room and I went through my schedule and case load and figured out coverage. Most OCs were super accommodating (one wasn’t, which is a whole other story, but let’s just say it all came back when I beat him in a jury trial later on post surgery). I didn’t have chemo, but did do radiation. Surgery kept me down about 4-5 weeks. I called out of work for 6. I could have gone back at 4 or 5 if I had to, but don’t push it. Take the time. Radiation wasn’t terrible, just tiring.

      If you want to post burner, I would be happy to reach out. The absolute nicest thing someone did for me was to hook me up with another attorney/mom/runner who had gone through BC and was able to give me the real real. This is SO, SO common sadly now. And let me just say in case this pertains to you — you didn’t do this. You didn’t cause this. Eat food. Drink coffee. Keep living. We don’t know why this happens, but being scared of food won’t help. You need to be strong going in to surgery.

    14. Sorry to hear this. I am 10 years out from breast cancer. My advice – tell your supervisor – you may need to be out of the office on short notice for tests, appointments, etc. Once you have your treatment plan, you may want to tell others at work, or let your supervisor do that.

      I didn’t need Xanax for the MRIs, but doesn’t hurt to have some on hand. I did end up needing a sleeping aid before a big surgery (double mast + diep recon), so consider that as well.

      I joined a support group, talked to a psychiatrist who worked with oncology patients, etc. I read you are journaling, which is great. I encourage you to be open to add what support you need to process what is happening as you go through it.

      Best of luck

    16. I’m so sorry to hear this. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, he immediately told his office, and some of his clients, and that was the right decision. Everyone was so supportive and those with similar experiences started sharing their stories with him. For example, it turned out that one client had survived a very virulent form of cancer in his 20s. This sort of sharing brought him a lot closer to many of the people in his circle. What he didn’t do was tell our friends right away. In hindsight, it would have been so much better to share the news early. The immediate post-diagnosis period was one of the hardest parts emotionally — wrapping our heads around the idea, finding doctors, etc. Once we had a treatment plan in place, some of the stress subsided. Definitely get the Xanax! It can give you a needed break from the worst of the anxiety. (I took some of my husband’s during the worst of it.) Best piece of early advice we received from an oncologist: do not look up your condition online or Google survival rates. You will find tons of outdated information that will have no relevance to your situation and that could cause you unnecessary worry and anxiety. Things change so fast in the field that information becomes outdated very quickly. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there!

    17. Hi–
      I was diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. Like you, I had all the dr. appointments, the MRI, etc.
      I asked for Valium for the MRI as for me, face down and backward into the MRI machine was a bit too much (childhood sexual abuse survivor). Normally I love MRIs as I fall asleep but that one was scary. I will also say that follow up ones have been find, now that I know what to expect.

      I did share (slowly) with people at work, only because I realized I tend to be a real loner and people would want to help. If they didn’t know, they couldn’t help.

      I continued doing all my running and weight workouts (except after surgery as I had to recover). I did not have chemo, I did have radiation. If you end up with rads, I can share more about that. It wasn’t scary but my gosh, the fatigue was unreal.

      I chose a lumpectomy over a mastectomy. Both are valid options, depending on the type of breast cancer you have and where it’s staged.

      The sentinel node incision was surprisingly painful as there are a lot of nerve endings in your armpit. So if you end up with that, don’t be surprised and do use all the ice they give.

      I’m happy to answer any other questions you have–mine was hormone positive, highly estrogen, weakly progesterin (spelling sorry).

    18. Thank you all so much for the support and advice. FWIW, I am 60 (and two weeks), so no need to worry about reproductive issues. I already talked to supervisor (and adjusted my schedule for August) and the coworker who is leading up a project I am working on in July. I am lucky to work for the federal government, so I have adequate leave, good insurance, and no inflexible deadlines.

      I have gotten so much good advice from this board over the years and especially for my vacation earlier this month (Paris by Mouth was amazing and I was able to give away breakfast at Dishoom), even though I have mostly lurked. So for those of you who are very active, you should know that you support a community way bigger than who you see posting. And when we lurkers need you, you are there for us.

      1. I was 59 when I was diagnosed :)

        And yes, I’ve been here since 2008 but rarely post–and do agree that this can be a super helpful community.

  11. I’m so sorry to hear this. I would tell your work – if I were your supervisor or co worker I would want to help you/support you as much as possible. And you will have many appointments, need recovery time, etc. it’s not over sharing to be up front about scheduling.

    I wish you all the best for a smooth treatment and a full recovery. Hugs from an Internet stranger.

    1. I’m in higher ed but nothing to do with admissions. It actually took me quite a while to realize what you were referring to!

    2. I am and what a difficult day. The overall result was expected, but that opinion is something else.

  13. The thread on wildfires yesterday left me with some open questions around controlled burns. I understood the point yesterday that controlled burns work best when the overall conditions are ok – so for example, not a constant dry tinderbox. I also understood the point that the Canadian wildfires are simply on a huge geographic scale and so a controlled burn is less feasible. I googled this but mostly just found op-eds, and I’m interested in more substantive policy work or research. Any leads?

    1. The University of California has done a lot of research on this. I cannot track down the studies/articles right now but if you Google “University of California” and “controlled burn” they should come up.

    2. I have a master’s degree in forestry from UC Berkeley, this is totally my jam. Here are some resources on controlled burns (California-centric, so technique etc would need to be adapted for other forest types, but the basic principles are there):
      https://news.berkeley.edu/2022/02/01/lessons-on-wildfire-resilience-from-a-4000-acre-forest-lab/
      https://forests.berkeley.edu/the-center-for-fire-research-and-outreach
      https://nature.berkeley.edu/stephenslab/mission/
      Controlled burns are usually done within very specific parameters in terms of humidity and weather conditions. Some of the Canadian wildfires could potentially have been lessened or prevented if a robust controlled burn program had been in place in previous years, but controlled burns wouldn’t be appropriate right now when fire is already out there.

    4. Well, two prime examples of “controlled” burns getting out of control happened in my state, New Mexico. In the early 2000s, the U.S. Forest Service started a “controlled” burn that rapidly got out of control and threatened Los Alamos National Labs. That one was called the Cerro Grande fire. Then, last year in 2022, it happened again: USFS started a “controlled” burn that became the largest fire in New Mexico history. Hundreds of square miles burned. It was called the Hermit’s Peak fire.

      In both cases, the USFS started the burns in the spring, which literally any resident of New Mexico can tell you is the windiest time of the year and thus not a good time to start fires.

      So as far as “leads” go, you can research those two specific fires to learn more about “controlled” fires.

    5. I have a background in forestry. I think it kind of depends on what you want to know, but basically, controlled burns are primarily useful in advance. When you have an active fire situation, strategic burning may be used to try to eliminate fuels around structures or create a firebreak, but it’s a more limited use.

      In general, it is preferable to let fires burn when they occur in fire-adapted ecosystems and aren’t a threat to human life. From a management perspective, controlled burning is used in ecosystems where fire has been artificially suppressed for extended periods to try to ensure that future natural fires are of an intensity that is normal for that ecosystem, but there’s only so much you can do in areas of massive forest.

      It’s popular history, but if you want to get a sense of the history of US fire management and how we ended up in the problematic situation we’re in here, Norman MacLean’s Young Men and Fire is very good. There’s also an NYU law journal article called “Fire and Federalism” that is fairly readable on the policy issues.

      I have done a couple of controlled burns myself, and they are extremely high-stress even on a small scale. We lost control of one of our burns and that was a very rough 24 hours.

      1. That’s always the problem with controlled burns and why they make people nervous.

    7. I’m an environmental scientist and this isn’t my specific field, but I have a general understanding and try to keep on top of what’s going on because I teach about it once in a while. My understanding is that a lot of the problems with using controlled burns more widely, especially in the west where the conditions are harder to manage than in the Southeast, a lot of it comes down to cost and legal issues. The forest service budget is supposed to have some fraction devoted to fire reduction and some to fire fighting, but fires have been so bad in recent years that the fire fighting part of the budget has taken over and left no money and staff time for fire reduction efforts.

      The other problem is liability. It’s impossible to manage controlled burns with 100% certainty, especially as the window of favorable weather conditions has narrowed as the climate warms. People are (justifiably!) upset if their house burns down when a controlled burn gets out of control, plus there are still air quality issues associated with controlled burns even when they don’t get out of control. Here’s a link to an article about a new CA insurance fund that talks about some of this: https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2023-06-24/california-hopes-to-encourage-more-good-fire

      It is really important to keep in mind how much effort/cost is involved in doing this on a large scale and how hard it is to control when forests are really dry. I live in an area with regular fires and it’s one of the most awe inspiring things I’ve ever seen to watch a fire race across a mountainside. The areas where these fires burn are often very rugged and difficult to access and there’s only so much we can do to stop fires when the conditions are really unfavorable. We absolutely need to change our forest management and do more controlled burns, stop suppressing fires, and make some hard decisions about where people live at the wildland-urban interface. But ultimately we need to recognize that this is going to be one of the major costs of climate change that doesn’t just affect people in areas with fires, but even those that live hundreds or thousands of miles away.

    9. It’s not just about controlled burns. It’s also about letting natural fires burn. The problem in the western US is that for so many years all natural fires were immediately put out, allowing undergrowth to accumulate to unnatural levels.

      1. Definitely agree with this, but it’s made a lot more challenging given how much people have expanded into areas that are highly flammable and are supposed to burn regularly. It’s politically challenging to just let it burn when multimillion dollar homes are in the path of the fires and tourists and tourist dependent businesses are complaining about the smoke (see the Tahoe fires a couple years ago, Malibu, Montecito, and other examples in CA and elsewhere).

      2. So, most of the California fires that have been fought have threatened areas of the state that have been settled by residents who built established communities in the 1700s. The ones allowed to burn have been in remote areas. Controlled burns are never going to solve the problem of fires in the Southern California hills or the hills above Napa. There is no way to burn without taking out residences, farmland, etc.

  14. Cross-posted from the moms s!te:
    Moms who have kids who specialized in a sport early, please offer your perspectives! And please be gentle – my kid didn’t come with a manual and we are trying to do the best thing for him long term.

    DS is almost 8, began playing an individual sport with DH when he was 5 and began competing about a year ago. He loves the time with his dad and LOVES the friends he has made through competitions. The sport has been great for his socio-emotional development (learning emotional control, how to calm himself, focus, how rest and nutritional status impact emotions, how to deal with difficult competitors and their parents, how to set process instead of outcome goals, etc.). He is not motivated to practice in the way you might expect a future olympian to be, which I think is age appropriate, but he does practice at home on his own volition because he wants to compete. Over the last three months, he has improved dramatically to the point of qualifying to compete on the regional and national level and it feels like we’ve gone from zero to sixty so quickly!

    I want to make sure DS is driving this train and feels like he can pump the brakes whenever he wants. Some steps we’ve taken include involving him in the planning of the competition season, making sure he only competes in competitions he chooses after understanding the tradeoffs (e.g., friend’s birthday party is the same date as competition. Which would you rather go to?), encouraging participation in other sports (he usually plays in a once-a-week after school “club” sport of choice with his buddies, switching up the sport every quarter or so), and prioritizing social time and unstructured down time. I’m also trying to find a balance between helping him pursue his goals and not allowing my six-year-old daughter to be overshadowed.

    Any other best practices for supporting him and/or getting over my whiplash? Experiences of kids who specialized early and did/did not stick with the sport long term? Thanks!

    1. As a child athlete I think it sounds like you’re doing a great job – my mother definitely didn’t put this much thought into it. I had no control or input really, but I loved what I was doing so I was happy to go along with it.

      I would suggest being prepared that he will most likely not be an Olympian and should have other interests/friends outside his sport. I had zero friends outside my sport and it was tough when I stopped.

    2. I don’t have personal experience, but I actually have a number of friends who were very competitive athletes as children or teenagers. Several of them were on junior national teams and I even had a few acquaintances who competed at the Olympics. Without exception, they were lovely, well rounded people (we went to an Ivy, so obviously there was some selection bias) who didn’t at all regret the experience even though they all moved on to other things. They all now have PhDs, MDs or similar specialized careers.

      1. I’ll chime in with the perspective of having been one of the National level athletes at the Ivy League school. (Swimming in my case) What you’re missing is that for every one of those friends you mention, there are many, many kids who dedicated themselves to the sport intensively who got burned out, injured, stopped developing because they had early success due to an early growth spurt, etc. The odds of being a college athlete are slim, so you need to make sure your kid is enjoying himself and learning things from the experience that has nothing to do with athletic performance.

        1. I think that the odds of being a D1 recruited full-scholarship athlete are slim, but if you love a sport, there may be plenty of opportunities to walk on or do meaningful club sports depending on the sport / school, even within D1. Especially if you look at D3 schools (which I know some kids who go there to PLAY a sport vs warm a bench at a bigger D1 school).

        2. Yeah, hence my point about selection bias. Most of my friends had actually already stopped competing by the time we were in college, mostly because of injuries, so I definitely agree that this is a risk and that it can turn out badly for some (maybe lots?) of kids, but OP asked for positive examples, and I gave them! I think my friends were all very driven people, who applied that both to sports and academics. The harm really comes when you focus on sports above all else.

        3. The longer you play and the harder you train, the greater the odds of injury. There isn’t a lot of great coaching and often, kids think that more / harder = better and underplay the value of rest and cross-training (i.e., few 3-sport athletes any more). And an injury for a runner may be running career ending, but an injury for a cheerleader or gymnast can mean paralysis.

    3. I think you would get better feedback if you said what sport it is. I’m having trouble figuring out what individual sport he could be practicing on his own at home. (Though that could be because I’m in a city and we don’t have, eg, a wall to hit against.)

      At any rate, I’d be very focused on preserving time for other interests and sports to 1) avoid overuse injury or burnout and 2) to ensure he has something else going on in his life if he stops enjoying or excelling at the sport. One thing that really jumps out to me in your post is the idea that there’s “national level” competition for a 7 year old. That’s absurd, honestly. You have to remember that part of the reason he’s at that level is that most people don’t have their 7 year old specialize in an individual sport (or at least aren’t traveling nationally for it), so he needs to be ready for when more casual players start focusing as they get older.

      Another tip: do NOT talk about or bank on this sport being the key to college admissions.

      2. I am thinking tennis? Maybe golf (idk if that’s an Olympic sport though)

        Maybe it’s something random like badminton. This is going to occupy much of my brain space today.

        1. Clearly :D

          It is actually golf – we have a putting green and hitting net at home because DH was an avid golfer before DS ever got into it.

        2. Lol! And I say this as a formerly competitive Nordic skier, that might be true in parts of my home state!

          1. Apparently biathlon is really hard. The sprinting of xc skiing puts a body at odds with the stillness of shooting. I am good at both and and apparently would be mediocre at both together.

          2. I’m the one who said I went to college with a bunch of Olympians- they’re all biathletes and Nordic skiers, though some of my other former athlete friends played other sports.

          3. Haha, yes, I never even attempted biathlon because I have terrible hand eye coordination (which is partly why I skied – I am quite athletic but any ball sports are not gonna happen). But I do love watching the Olympic biathletes and seeing the heart rate monitor stats – amazing kind-body connection. I love Nordic skiing as a competitive sport and as a lifetime sport, just wish we could have reliable snow like when I was a kid.

          4. Anon 12:11 — oh hello, fellow Dartmouth grad :) (I don’t think many of them got into the shooting bit at age 7 though – they would’ve been just starting in the local learn-to-ski programs at that age!)

          5. Anon 12:11 — oh hello, fellow Dartmouth grad :) (I don’t think many of them got into the shooting bit at age 7 though – they would’ve been just starting in the local learn-to-ski programs at that age!)

          6. Yes, Dartmouth :) And yes, my understanding is that the shooting part of biathlon generally comes later. They recruit top high school and college skiers and teach them to shoot. I had friends who were invited to training camps to see if they were any good.

      4. Yeah, I was also wondering what sport could have a national level for 7 year olds, and how much of qualifying for that is merely participating with small numbers of others? I’d worry a bit (not knowing the sport) about a “who’s who” effect – like is there money to be made off of telling you your kid is national level at 7? Kids sports has gotten really exploitative of parents interested in helping their kids be the best. Maybe I’m just jaded.

    4. The book Positive Pushing is fabulous for this. I had 3 athletic kids. Two competed in college, one on a full ride at a mid-major D1 (for swimming). I read this when they were elementary-aged and learned a lot.

    5. It sounds like you’re doing everything right to me! I participated in a competitive sport starting at age 6 and I loved it and became very good at it. My parents never, ever put pressure on me with regards to this sport and my participation was totally led by me. I cared enough about it that I knew what all the next levels of competition were and I asked to attend them and asked to attend camps, etc. I couldn’t always do everything I wanted, but I still turned out okay ;) I ended up competing through my sophomore year of college and actually really was glad to have the last two years as a “normal” college student with time for internships and other things.

  15. Very annoyingly in the last 2-3 years I have developed several small what I assume to be skin tags on my face. They are like a slightly raised mole, but skin-colored instead of brown. I’ve had them checked by a derm for skin cancer, they are not cancerous. But I’d like to have them removed. I consulted one plastic surgeon who told me the scar would be bigger than the skin tag, so they recommended against surgical removal. Are there any other options I’m not thinking about? And if so, what’s the cost estimate if you know? It seems to me the issue is somehow sweat related, like they originate with a clogged follicle or something, which makes me concerned this is going to be an ongoing maintenance issue.

    1. I think my first thing would be to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon who specializes in this kind of thing. Maybe ask your derm for another referral?

    2. I’m not sure exactly what yours look like, but I developed a few of these during pregnancy and basically had them burned off by a derm (not a plastic surgeon). They were very small and there was no scar left. I think it cost me a few hundred dollars for 2-3 skin tags.

      1. This has been my experience as well, so I think I must be envisioning something different than what I had.

    3. It’s always a trade for a scar. I have one in the middle of my forehead and I have decided I’d rather keep it than have a scar. The plastic surgeon I saw was very honest about how it would look. He did say it’s easier to hide a scar in a place where the face has a natural crease, but that’s it.

      1. + 1. A dermatologist removed mine, and I have a flat scar in the middle of my forehead. Fortunately, concealers have gotten better over the years.

    4. I had a tiny one on my eyelid. It bothered me because it was in my field of vision. One day I snipped it off with sterilized cuticle nippers. It didn’t leave a scar. I probably shouldn’t have put scissors near my eye but I’m glad it’s gone.

    5. I have one of these, that I have had for many years.

      Agree that you should only consult with the best plastic surgeon you can find. And unfortunately, you should trust what they say. Be wary if suddenly you find a doctor who says…. “sure… no problem….”.

      Mine is in a prominent part of my face. Kind of looks like a pimple, but a bit larger and flesh colored. I have also looked into having it removed and all have said I would be left with a larger scar, possibly depressed/divot. So not necessarily worse, but not necessarily better. This type of face lesion is just not as easy to remove, unfortunately.

  16. Hi! Fun, low stakes question.

    My older son has “make ice cream at home” on his list of things to do this summer. I have borrowed a friend’s KitchenAid stand mixer ice cream maker attachment.

    The internet tells me how to use it, but not much about the batter process for this attachment. When I read online, there are recipes that require boiling and cooling the batter, which I assume I’d have to do. Any users of this attachment out there that can offer their tips and favorite recipes?

    It is already hitting 100+ degrees where we live so this will be a welcome addition to indoor time. :)

    1. Make sure that it’s cold inside when you make the ice cream. The morning is best. If it’s 75 inside your kitchen, your ice cream may not churn.

      I usually limit myself to about 3/4ths of what KitchenAid claims can be made at a time to ensure that the ice cream churns properly.

      Flavours like raspberry are fun but hard: getting all the seeds out is challenging.

    2. I have no KitchenAid but I definitely made ice cream in a ziploc bag back in the day at summer camp :)

    3. Yay! Making homemade ice cream is super fun and very delicious.

      Recipe recommendations:
      – Anything David Lebovitz, either from his website or his book “The Perfect Scoop.” He has lots of custard (egg, milk, cream) based recipes which require tempering eggs.
      – Jeni’s ice cream recipe – cream cheese/cornstarch based, so a little easier
      – Salt & Straw

      Tips:
      – Make sure that your ice cream base is very very cold (ideally chilled overnight) before churning or it will not work. The Kitchenaid attachment comes does not come with its own compressor, which means it is naturally heating up as it sits out in the open. You also need to freeze the bowl overnight beforehand or it won’t be cold enough.
      – Tempering eggs is usually the trickiest part about making the batter — don’t overheat your milk and go slow to avoid scrambling your eggs. I do like custard bases personally as they tend to be creamier.
      – You can try lowering sugar content in some recipes, but don’t mess with it too much, bc sugar is necessary to prevent the ice cream from freezing into a rock.
      – Homemade ice cream tends to freeze harder than store bought bc a home ice cream maker (esp a lower end model like the Kitchenaid) does not beat as much air into the ice cream. Eat right away as soft serve, leave out a few minutes before eating, or add 1 T of liquor to lower freezing temp.

    5. Definitely freeze the bowl that is the attachment vessel for at least 24 hours before trying to churn the cream.

      I adore cream cheese ice cream, but I haven’t been able to churn it in the Kitchen Aid. It’s to thick.

      I have successfully churned ice cream from a grocery store mix and from a very basic recipe for vanilla. Either way, it needs several hours chilling before trying to churn.

      The most successful attempt was for cherry limeade sorbet. Fresh lime juice, simple syrup, maraschino cherries.

    6. Set your freezer to the coldest it can go and freeze the ice cream maker bowl for at least overnight prior to making the ice cream. Likewise, when you make the custard, cool it out to as close to freezing as you can. Because the bowl relies on being chilled in the freezer (rather than having its own chiller), you’re in a bit of a race against time/temperature to get the ice cream made once you start churning.
      Butter pecan is my favorite to make, but it’s not a good first-timer recipe.
      Frozen yogurt is actually really good and also easy. You don’t need to make a custard, rather you just put yogurt, sweetener and any add-ins in the ice cream maker and let it do its thing.

    7. I don’t have the KitchenAid attachment, but do make homemade ice cream at least 1x/ yr with a churn. I most often make a basic ice cream custard- milk, heavy cream, egg yolks, sugar that I cook on the stove then cool. The fat content of your mix will impact the consistency of the finished product- low fat or skim will become icy when hardened in the freezer. However, I think you can also do cream, sugar, and vanilla and churn based on this recipe: https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/homemade-vanilla-ice-cream/

    8. The boiled batter is most probably a custard base ice cream. You make a custard, cool it and then put in the machine.

      It’s also possible to make ice cream from a batter with raw eggs, if you live in an area where you can safely eat raw eggs. Basically: separate 4 eggs, whip whites stiff, add 100 g sugar, whip into whites. Whip 0,3 litres full fat cream, whip egg yolks separately. Fold cream and yolks and flavoring into egg white meringue mix. Freeze.

      You might have fun with making this no machine recipe and separating batter and using different flavors – for one of them, use pineapple juice (which will not set or freeze) and see how different ingredients change the freezing point and behaviour of the ice cream.

    9. Not a “recipe” per se, but you can buy a bag of Dole Whip mix on Ama-zon and make it in an ice cream maker. You have to whisk with water then add it to the ice cream maker and it makes the exact Dole Whip you’d get at an ice cream place / Disney. Having a giant vat of Dole Whip in the freezer is my favorite for summer. Especially great for having company over!

  17. Seeking ideas for a housewarming gift. My friends are a child-free couple (for now) and just moved from an apartment to a SFH. They have brand new kitchen gear from their wedding shower last year. They already have more house plants than they know what to do with. They need more furniture and rugs but that’s not in my $100 budget. Any gifts you’d recommend? Maybe something small plus a Home Depot gift card?

    2. How about the classic housewarming gift…. a basket with a loaf of beautiful bread, a bottle of wine, and an interesting salt.

    3. Yes. Go to home depot and get some of the random things you need in a house but not an apartment. Put them in a really good bucket (because you always need a good bucket.

      Things like outdoor extension cords, zip ties, microfiber cloths, plus a home depot gift card.

      1. I heard of giving cleaning supplies as a housewarming present and thought that was brilliant.

      2. This is such a great idea. I think you’ve posted it before and I haven’t had the chance to use it yet, but I’ve always planned to!

      4. If they moved to an area with snow, a nice snow shovel and a bucket of pet-safe ice melt. If they now have a yard, a book about garden maintenance or some bulbs that they can plant in the fall would be nice.

      5. Bucket with screw driver/bit set, pipe wrench, duct tape, zip ties, roll of blue towels, an outdoor extension cord, outlet tester and possibly a stud finder would have been lifesaving when moving in.

      6. Only do this if you can get things you know they don’t already have and will definitely need. Within one week of moving into my SFH from an apartment, I had already bought or otherwise acquired an outdoor extension cord, multiple fire extinguishers, microfiber cloths, tons of cleaning supplies, a snow shovel, and a good bucket. Some of them I had in my apartment, some of them were handed down extras from my dad, some of them I got on the multiple HD runs I did just before moving for all of the things I was going to need for my house that I didn’t need for my apartment. So all of those would have been returned if I’d received them as gifts. I didn’t have zip ties, but I also didn’t need zip ties for more than a year after I moved in, so those would have just been clutter in the meantime. Just go with the gift card.

      7. Agree with something practical. Bucket, cloths and sponges and brushes for cleaning, or a good broom. If your budget is larger, a ladder or step stool is helpful.

        1. I just moved to a house, and the step stool really is amazing. Also pliers. Solar powered outdoor lights may be fun and practical.

    4. Flowers + vase so they don’t have to search for theirs, and gift card to Home Depot or Doordash

    6. A lamp? We needed, and still need, so many more lamps for a SFH than an apartment. And, correspondingly, surge protectors and/or power cords. You can never have enough of those, it seems. If you are looking for something to pair with a Home Depot gift card, an extension cord or surge protector would be a great one.

      Other things that you need a lot more of for SFHs: cute little trash cans, soap dispensers, bathroom hand towels, and bathmats. If you want something personal, a monogrammed coir front door mat would be a nice touch.

    7. Gift card to Home Depot or Lowe’s (whichever is more convenient/prevalent in your area). I certainly appreciated all of the housewarming gifts I received, but these were the most practical.

        1. They obviously really like houseplants. I’d get them a blooming one they can treat as cut flowers and toss when the blooming season is over.

        2. OP here. They already have large and small plants in every room so they’re out of surfaces. I wouldn’t know what type to buy anyway. This same friend once got me a house plant as a gift and I thought gee, thanks for giving me a chore. Needless to say this isn’t my area of expertise.

    9. A gift card to Target or Walmart or Home Depot or Lowes is always appreciated. You don’t always know what you’ll need ahead of time. I found myself running into one of those stores all to frequently after moving.

  18. discussion of SCOTUS affirmative action decision. unfortunately, i am not surprised, but how does this get implemented by admissions officers?

    1. Quickly and with difficulty. Any well run college or university has been prepping for this. Complying with the law is the easier part. The harder part is revamping admissions so you can get diversity without violating the law. For most schools that will look like changes in recruiting and emphasis on geographic and class diversity, which will result in much whiter and more Asian incoming classes but will hopefully preserve some diversity.

    2. I imagine that different colleges will take different approaches. The most logical is to shift to using socioeconomic status; poor kids from Mississippi whose parents have a 10th grade education will get a leg up, regardless of race, and wealthy kids will need better stats, regardless of race.

    3. Hasn’t California essentially had this restriction ongoing? They search for other methods for diversity…. class/financial status, city of origin etc… Often some of these will sweep in a more racially diverse class, but it wont be the same.

      1. Yes and yes. It has worked out ok for us. The big issue with California public universities is that they prefer that sweet, sweet out of statue tuition over in-state kids.

        1. That is basically every state at this point. At least there is still community college.

          1. As a CA taxpayer it chaps me that my 4.6 gpa kid with tons of extracurriculars barely got into a UC, and his roomie was a kid from Ohio with a 3.8 & no sports/extracurriculars who got into many UCs.

            This is an anecdote but the statistics back it up. You have to be a much higher performing student to get the in-state admission.

            And no, no one wants to got to UC Merced, not even the out of state students. Merced is the new Riverside.

          2. Not every state. My State U takes way more in state kids (percentage wise) than out of state.

            Like others have said this is really a big issue in CA specifically. I know a kid who was a solid student but by no means an academic superstar who got into Berkeley from out of state but couldn’t compete once there because the CA kids who get into Berkeley are all brilliant, basically HYP caliber.

          3. Community college in my state is useless for kids who want a 4-year degree. It’s all remedial courses and career certifications. It offers zero courses that any college-bound kid coming from high school hasn’t already taken as an AP, and zero that satisfy prerequisites for majors.

          4. My friend’s kid’s private high school, not in CA, pushes kids to apply to Berkeley because it’s easy for them to get kids admitted. It’s disgusting.

          6. Plenty of college bound kids don’t take many (if any) AP classes. Community college is obviously not designed for the very brightest kids who already have dozens of AP credits, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a purpose.

        2. I hear you non-CA residents swamping the application process to CA public universities, which are awesome and still a good deal financially.

          Does the populace in California vote on what percentage of out of state residents can matriculate at the public universities? Or can the state do whatever it wants to help balance the budget…….?

          1. Speaking as a Californian, our state legislature exercises some authority over the UCs, but doesn’t work as well as it ought to because it’s essentially a one-party legislature and it’s a huge university system. In general, the CA legislature loooooves to get bogged down in hyper-specific programs that benefit a tiny group of people instead of getting sh*t done.

        3. Of course. The dirty little secret of public higher education, on which all budgets are based, is “you take mine and I will take yours, and we both will win.”

          1. Also, UC calculates high school GPAs differently for out of state students than it does for CA students, so the out of state students averages virtually always look lower because they do not get bumped for honors, AP, IB classes. Comparing your CA kid’s calculated average with the out of state roommate will always lead to bad feelings, but it is comparing apples to oranges.

      2. Yes, CA has had this kind of restriction for many years. The most elite UC campuses struggle with diversity (test-optional will presumably help over time) but the other UCs and the Cal State system are quite diverse.

        CA does try to get resources to underrepresented high school students in an attempt to diversify the UCs. That said, these programs are not always successful in keeping these students in CA – the UCs are WAY less expensive than private CA schools but elite schools can often offer way more aid.

        The other thing that CA has is a top-9% guarantee for participating high schools (most participate). If you are in that bracket, you have an automatic admission to a UC school. However, it’s not as popular/well-known as the TX top-10% program because we don’t have a single flagship and the admission rates for the UC campuses vary widely (e.g., UC Merced has something like an 86% admit rate). I suspect other states will institute similar programs since it seems like a great way of keeping strong students in-state (and schools are often so segregated by SES and/or race that it can provide a big diversity bump).

        1. I thought the UC system was no-test, not test-optional? For me (Pell grant recipient with a top UC degree) test scores were an equalizer. I was able to test well even though my parents and teachers and guidance counselors did zilch to help me navigate the system (in fact my guidance counselor told me outright that he was going to sabotage me on a required letter of recommendation) and as a poor kid with no parental support in a wealthy suburban school I was not ranked at the tippy top of my class.

    4. I think part of the current emphasis on “first generation” stems from the idea that this decision was going to come eventually. In some states and universities, the definition of “first generation” is being broadened, sometimes absurdly so, such that its impact is being diluted, too.

    5. If they want to increase racial diversity without expressly considering race, they focus on geographic and income diversity as a stand-in. Instead of giving a +1 to someone based on race, they do it based on being the first person in their family to go to college; attending a less prestigious high school; family income; etc.

      But based on the experience of the University of California, this decision will increase the percentage of white and Asian-American students while decreasing BIPOC admissions for the foreseeable future. California admissions has been trying hard for 25 years and while they have made some progress they have not been able to even come close to mirroring the State’s population.

        1. When we base admissions on test scores and grades, Asian American students are overrepresented proportional to the population. It doesn’t seem affirmative action is needed for this ethnic group.

          I’d always prefer to base it on socioeconomic status anyway.

          1. But isn’t that really the case for certain groups of Asian-Americans (e.g., Korean-Americans v. Hmong or Filipino students)?

          2. Asian Americans are not a monolith. Policies that assume this are harmful to groups like Vietnamese Americans and others who have lower socioeconomic status on average.

          3. I grew up in Fresno, California, which has a very large Hmong population. I think talking about affirmative action for “Asians” as a whole is so complicated because while some Asian groups are overrepresented, many are not. The Hmong community in my hometown is intensely poor (though this is changing). Most of them were subsistence farmers in Laos who came here as refugees in the 1970s. They are simply not in the same category as people who have lived in the United States for generations and have a long history of education in their families, even if they are all “Asian”.

          4. It’s very complicated. As a GenX, a number of my Asian-American college friends were immigrants or the children of immigrants, but many of their parents were people who’d been fairly high status (lawyer, doctor, teachers, etc.) in the old country. That’s really different than being the child of subsistence farmers who came to the US as refugees.

      2. I think private colleges and universities will be able to find proxies for racial diversity in the admissions process and create diverse classes faster than the not-very-well-funded UC system. Applications can signal race or ethnicity without explicit consideration.

        1. Of course, that assumes that the colleges want that outcome. Some places will, some places won’t want that outcome.

    6. Californian here. The next wave of litigation after our statute was about whether some other factor was being used as a proxy for race. So you can’t keep doing the same thing just under different labels.

    7. The right way to create diversity in universities is to offer all children a high-quality public school education with tracking, robust gifted programming, and adequate college advising. In that type of system the influence of parental resources would be minimized and it would be easy to identify the most talented and hard-working kids of all races and backgrounds, automatically resulting in diversity. Sadly, the trend in public K12 education seems to be in the opposite direction–dumb it down to the lowest common denominator. How on earth are universities supposed to recognize the smartest kids if everyone automatically gets an A in everything, no one is taught calculus (parts of CA) or writes essays in high school (our district except for AP English, which is constantly under attack), and standardized test scores are not considered as one factor?

      1. I absolutely, positively loathe W, but the one turn of phrase he ever got right was the “soft bigotry of low expectations.” Anecdotally, I think it’s why so many bright kids in my kid’s high school are so enamored of science and math classes – there is still a right answer and it’s not just constant busywork like the “college prep” English.

  19. Recently turned 30 and got a promotion at work. Single, no kids. I have been trying to “glow up” myself and my life a bit now that I have the funds. Any suggestions? Already doing more regular facials, did a makeup consultation and bought some nice new makeup that I’m trying to wear a bit more regularly. I’m fairly happy with my wardrobe (could always have a few more high-quality pieces though). Also trying to drink more water (and am pretty good on the sun protection and exercise fronts already).

    2. Congrats on the promotion! What about a new haircut/color or regular blowouts? Manicures?

    3. For the next logical step, I’d look into upping your skincare if that’s not already a focus, and don’t forget to always wear SPF!

      1. +1

        And start the retinol.

        I’d also work on your general health. Be sure you stay up to date on all your well woman screenings. Get a good exercise plan that you enjoy. Maybe now splurge on gym membership/classes/trainer if going to yoga classes in person is more fun/easier to commit to.

    5. Up your retirement deposits. Not trying to be snarky; it’ll be the ultimate glow-up to have appreciated interest when you approach your next milestone birthday.

      1. +1

        Go online and plug in to one of those calculators how much saving an addition “x dollars amount” of money per month in your IRA/401k/private index fund brokerage account can add up to by retirement time. Can be a motivator.

    8. UPF clothes, especially covering the chest (e.g., pool cover-ups and running shirts) and UPF hats — in addition to consistent sunscreen use. Your 50 year old glowed-up self will be happy you did this.

    9. beware of lifestyle creep! i’d think of your glow up as something you’re doing for a limited time and/or investing in a few great wardrobe pieces — not something you have to do continuously to feel normal. (this may or may not be where facials fall for you, idk)

    10. This is going to sound weird. But if you don’t already, going for an actual bra fitting with a person and splurging on a bunch of bras. I do it about once a year and it makes such a big difference in how my clothes feel, how my bras feel, etc. Besides a new hair cut and better make-up, it makes such a difference.

  20. I got feedback from my manager during my midyear which I believe is gendered. I don’t believe my manager meant for it to be sexist, but he received feedback on my performance on a tight-timeline, stressful project from another person and wanted to pass it along. I don’t believe my manager will ever check in on this feedback again. I have been stewing on this feedback.

    My manager’s recommendation is, essentially, that I become more “likeable” and “treat everyone as a human first”; he recommended that I spend more time getting to know people outside my direct team. I actually think I do a great job about this – people who I manage, and people who I interact with, seek me out to be on teams. Specifically, during this project, I continued to thank people for their contributions, and I believe I verbally recognized the stress that folks were under. What would you do if you were given this feedback?

    1. Definitely sounds like it could be sexist, so I can see why you’re stewing.

      On a practical note: If I’m sure the feedback doesn’t reflect my actual performance, mostly I don’t do anything new, but may highlight what I’m doing in that area more often to Manager. For example, I give it a few weeks (when I will not have done anything differently that usual!) and then make a point to tell manager “recalling that convo we had where you recommended I build more bridges with people, I just want you to know that I had a great discussion w Person On Other Team today and relations between the teams seem to be going well.” Never mind that you talk to Person all the time. It flags that you took the feedback “on board” as it were and remember it, which managers like. Even if totally unwarranted, now you know that Manager didn’t see your actions in this area before, so it can’t hurt to show/flag/remind that you’re actually doing it.

      1. Great feedback, thanks! As I’ve been thinking about this, I realize that I need to do more to drive the conversation, including independently soliciting feedback from others (known friendly and neutral) so that I can have feedback that will still drive my career forward while also driving my boss’s opinion.

    2. I’d take it to heart. I’ve given that feedback to men and women and I don’t think it’s gendered. Building relationships is a critical skill for success and your manager is telling you there’s a perception that you aren’t actually doing that. That’s valuable to know and something to fix.

      1. While I agree with responding to the comments in a way that shows that criticism has been taken to heart, I think that OP could easily be corrected that this is gendered criticism. Women are often held to the “smile more, sweetheart” standard. I am not saying that Anon at 1:54 is doing this, just that it is real, and I wouldn’t be above an “I wonder if this feedback is based on a double standard” musing.

  21. I’m driving from Atlanta to Indianapolis tomorrow and would love any recs for where to stop for a meal. I’ll have the luxury ot time, so am willing to go a few miles off the main highway for something that’s a local treat. I’m not expecting to find the world’s best biscuit or ribs or anything like that, but I thought I might as well ask here in case anyone is familiar with area and has a local recommendation before succumbing to my usual road trip fare of McDonalds or Taco Bell. I have to make a pit stop in Nashville for an appointment and will eat a brunch/early lunch there, so my next meal will be a minium of 2 hours north on I-65 from there. If any ‘rettes have driven this route before or know of a cute place to stop north of Nashville before Indianapolis, I’d love to hear recommendations.

    1. Stop in Columbus, IN and walk the downtown and/or book an architecture tour if you’re going through during the day. There’s an excellent Thai place called Thai Connection downtown, along with plenty of other options.

    2. Upland Brewing Company, Jefferosnville IN – immediately over the Ohio River. Free parking, good food, lots of vegetarian options if that matters, nice views of the Louisville skyline.

    3. Personally, I would go to Prince’s in Nashville to pick up hot chicken, put it in an insulated bag, and pull over to eat it at a picnic table when ready.

    4. Kentucky is surprisingly pretty to drive through on 65, though the options are a bit sparse between Nashville and Louisville. I’d probably just plan to stop in Louisville for lunch. The Bardstown area is super cute. Also, the Zappos outlet south of Louisville used to be really good if you need a break.

    5. Hi from central Indiana. :) I’d suggest Louisville. It’s 2.5-3 hours north of Nashville and a little less than 2 hours south of Indy. There isn’t going to be much in the way of great food right off I-65 anywhere in between Louisville and Indy, other than in those two cities. In Louisville there are tons of food options. I’m partial to Biscuit Belly. Great biscuits. But honestly if you’re eating a big meal in Nashville you may not need a food stop til Indy.

    6. Thanks all! I will look these up. The architecture tour might have to be a pit stop on my drive back to ATL.

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