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2019 Update: We still stand by this advice on how to decide if you want kids (don’t miss the comments!) but you may also want to check out our more recent discussion of whether you feel like you need to sacrifice kids for career.
Reader S wonders: how to decide if you want kids? She’s on the fence about motherhood and feels ambivalence towards the question, worrying she won’t like motherhood but will regret not having kids. Here’s her question:
My question is, how did you (and readers) decide you wanted kids at all? I’ll be 32 soon and am still on the fence. DH would regret never having a kid, but I would be okay either way. I lean toward no kids, and worry 1) I would regret childlessness when it was too late but 2) wouldn’t like motherhood. I like my life now and don’t feel “incomplete” but am confused by this ambivalence.
This should be an interesting discussion, and I’m going to leave it mostly open to the readers. We just had a similar discussion about how MANY kids to have (over at CorporetteMoms, our blog for working moms), and as I noted there, I had always wanted kids as one of my Big Life Goals, so I didn’t think too much about the decision to actually become pregnant. I will say, though, that it’s a HUGE life change that no one or thing can really prepare you for, and whether you want to become a mother or not, you should definitely be aware of that.
So let’s hear it, readers — for those of you who seriously weighed the question of whether or not to have kids, what did you decide — and why? How has the decision worked out for you thus far? Does anyone want to speak to regretting choosing to become a mother (or how you did it, or when, or why)?
Psst: We’ve talked about how to plan your career for babies, and shared tips on preparing for pregnancy (what to know before you start trying to conceive). There’s also been at least one threadjack about how motherhood jives with being an introvert, as well as others that I’ll try to add here.
Picture via Stencil.
StepMama
As a 32 year old myself, I highly recommend step kids. Some of the fun, some of the work, someone to take care of you when you get old, and BONUS for grandkids (which I’m convinced is the only reason anyone really wants kids in the first place).
I always just assumed I’d have them until I fell in love with a man who’d already had his (and is done). Sometimes I wonder if I’ll regret not having them, but I don’t think that’s a good enough reason.
anon
You might find that you want a child(ren) of your own. Taking some risk in saying this publicly, but I was in the same situation as you, and having my own child has brought me so much more joy than being a stepmom. The first years of being a full time mom are hard, but having a nanny and other care helps A LOT with the hardships, and the later years of pre-k and now kindergarten are just so much more satisfying than the experience of being a stepmom (where I have always felt like an outsider). The bond is very different when it’s between you, your husband, and your child that you get to raise and love together, with no other adults with parenting claims in the middle of you. Just something to consider if you’re at all on the fence….
StepMama
Sorry, I think what you meant to say here was that YOU found that you wanted children of your own.
lawyer
True – just saw this – I did decide I found I wanted a child of my own,since our lives were already kid-centered with step kids, but I do not enjoy the step mom experience (being an outsider, dealing with the ex). I do enjoy being mom, though, because the good outweighs the challenges.
Katie
Anyone who was on the fence and decided NOT to have children?
Anon
Sure, there are at least a couple people up thread who said this was the case for them.
anon
Yes.
My SO and I were both of the view “if I meet someone who really wants kids, I’ll have kids.” When we got together we were still both really on the fence, but after a lot of discussions and spending a week with my nephews, he got a vasectomy. We approached it from different perspectives: I have a much-younger sibling that I effectively raised, and know how significant a commitment children would be. He is more affected by the global issues, overpopulation, climate change, and didn’t want to bring a child into a world of chaos.
We still have twinges of “aww, you’d be a great parent” especially as it feels like everyone around us is having children (seriously, 6 in the last 6 months). BUT we made the decision two years ago and are still happy and comfortable with it.
Anon
I was a firm no until about 34 when my husband and I both started changing our minds. Thank goodness we were on the same page. Part was all of our friends had kids and we realized, hey, that kid thing is doable. It’s not fun being the only childfree couple of the group. Then we decided we’d try and just see what happens. When that didn’t work we started tracking but swore no interventions ever. That didn’t work and then we got tested. Inconclusive. Now at year 2, age 36, we finally want a child so much that we are going to start IUI next month (if this month doesn’t work) and maybe even IVF after that. I don’t regret waiting at all even if it means we end up with no baby. Having a child before you want one isn’t good for anyone. If I had wanted them earlier, just not right now, that might have been a different calculation.
Anon
For me, it was never a matter of deciding whether or not I wanted kids, it was just making peace with the fact that I do not want kids. It took me a while to escape the societal (and, when I was younger, religious) expectations and recognize that not everyone has to have kids, and since absolutely no part of pregnancy or parenthood appeals to me at all, that I just… won’t have kids. Fortunately, my husband is on board with this (and was before we got married, for the record). As for the fear of regret… I’m only 35, so I suppose there is still time for regret to sneak in. But I’m not going to let the fear of regret cause me to do something now that I absolutely, emphatically do not want to do. Especially something as life changing as having a kid. Also, I figure that since I’ve never had the drive to have a biological kid, if I wake up in 10 years and think I do want a child in my life, fostering and adoption will still be options.
Anonymous
My first was an unplanned pregnancy when I was still in school. I decided against abortion (though I am strongly pro-choice, in part because of that experience) and raised her on my own for many years before I got married. My husband and I knew we wanted to have children and he felt strongly about having them while we were still “young.” We also knew we wanted at least 2 more and so we had them 2 years apart. I love my children so much and do not regret them at all. However, there are things that I find I enjoy even more than I thought I would and things that are much harder than I could have ever imagined. Also the stress and anxiety is so much sometimes because I worry about them! But overall I am happy to have them and really enjoy them!
Anonnnnnn
I’m unmarried and turning 38 this year. After years of the online dating game in NYC, I finally met a great dude. He’s my age, and we both love the same things: travel, creative stuff, sushi, scotch, city life. I robustly enjoy my friends’ children, but my partner and I have decided to be childfree with each other. I’ve also decided that if things don’t work out with him, I probably won’t dip my toe back into dating. I love my life and my friends. Raising a child requires a ton of lifestyle sacrifices that I realized I am not equipped to make. And while I was pro-kid for a while, I didn’t think my reasons were strong enough: the ego buzz you get as a parent when they get accepted into the Ivy of their choice or get a full scholarship to play football at Alabama, etc…..
anon +40
There are plenty of women (& some men, I guess) who regret *having* kids — it’s just a taboo topic. But google & you’ll find that more ppl are speaking out. A quick search found a study noting 1 in 5 parents in Germany say they regret having kids! (not including the URL bec. it’ll get caught in moderation). Point is, you can regret anything you’ve done or not done, but how horrible would it be to regret something that do deeply impacts another human being’s life? If you’re not gung-ho on being a parent, don’t do it. Don’t take that risk.
Volunteer with children’s theater, work as a Big Sister, babysit the kids of everyone you know. There are plenty of ways to be involved in the lives of children. Also, adoption is a possibility, & there are tons of foster children in the U.S. system that need help (esp. older kids & disabled kids).
SiliconValleyAnon
I’m 41, my DH is 43, we’ve been married for 10 years and have chosen not to have children.
I adamantly didn’t want kids when I was a teenager and in my early 20s. I grew up poor in a small rural town, and I saw what happens to girls who got pregnant. I realized that I could revisit that when I started making six figures, an unimaginable sum to my past self. In my late 20s and early 30s, as my DH and I were early in our relationship, neither of us were sure about having kids. We’d be able to provide for our kids in ways that our parents hadn’t been able to, and that alone made us feel like we’d probably be at least okay parents. When we got married, we agreed that “not now” was our current answer and that we’d revisit the question as it seemed appropriate.
In practice, we revisited the question around major life events: job changes, death in the family, when my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, etc. And each time, we didn’t really WANT to have kids. Some people have always known that they wanted kids, some people have always known that they didn’t want kids. We never lost that ambivalence, and made that part of our decision-making. We decided that if we didn’t come around to “YES! we must!”, then we wouldn’t.
Being 41 and not having kids is pretty cool. There’s plenty of ways to be involved with kids without having them yourself. I’m the favorite auntie of my friends’ kids. I’m taking a friend’s teenager to see Taylor Swift soon, a task which her moms are grateful to avoid. I get to focus all of my energy on my career and my family and my hobbies. My life is happy and fulfilled.
And all of this is about my life. I’m not saying that you can’t be happy and fulfilled any other way. I’m not even saying that, if things had turned out differently and I had kids, I wouldn’t feel happy and fulfilled there too. There’s lots of ways to be happy and fulfilled. This is one of them, and I’m okay with that.
Anonymous
I’m 44 and never wanted to have kids. Luckily I met the ultimate nice guy who was ambivalent about kids and never pressured me. We have a great life and 3 nephews and 1 niece that we love a lot. Everyone always told me I would change my mind and I still get questions/comments from people about someday regretting not having kids. I will be happy when I look old enough that people stop asking and mind their own business.
Sometimes it can be hard to chose the less taken path. We have lost friends who would rather be around other parents or don’t have time for us anymore. I have had people question my and my husband’s fertility and even our mental state(!). I have been called selfish and “child hating.” We get asked frequently why we don’t have “fur babies.”
My advice is to go with your gut. If you don’t feel strongly, don’t do it. You can live a happy and fulfilled life in many ways and it doesn’t always include kids.
Anon
I am 35. My son is almost two and we are currently trying for another. I have always wanted to be a mom and love it. I also work full-time as an attorney.
I completely respect the decision by some not to have kids. Being a parent is hard, no matter how much you love your child, and if your heart isn’t in it at all I think having a child is the wrong choice. But, if you’re on the fence, try to look past hysterics of the “mommy blog” articles, movies and TV shows about our-of-control kids, and well-meaning friends and family who say things like “you’ll never sleep again” and “say goodbye to your social life”. Being a parent is a beautiful thing and provides immeasurable joy which, for most parents, outweighs the sleepless nights, snot and crankiness. Becoming a mom has taught me that I can handle more than I ever thought I could and has made me more efficient, proactive and confident.
For the record, I loved being alone and doing whatever I wanted on weekends before my son was born. However, I now love doing things with him and watching him learn about his world. Things that seemed mundane before are made new through his eyes.
Anon50
I would not have thought of this in my 30s, but I now see (at age 5o) that my DH and I will be able to stop working years earlier than if we had had kids. I also see parents my age who are clearly stuck in less-than-ideal jobs or careers because they have families to support, with years of work ahead of them.
IMO, if you’re on the fence, don’t do it. But it’s a more complex problem for the original poster, who says that her DH really wants kids. When I was in my 30s, I was ambivalent too, leaning slightly against it. However, I think if my DH had really wanted kids (which he didn’t), I would have done it for him. Would I have regretted that? I don’t know. What I can say is that now, at age 50, after putting a great deal of thought into this question in my 30s, I don’t regret not having kids. It just wasn’t what either of us wanted.
One more thing: If I were in my early 30s now, and ambivalent, I’d seriously consider having my eggs (or embryos) frozen in order to get more time to make the decision.
Portland
I never felt “ready,” even though I always expected to have kids at some vague time in the future. My husband imagined himself as a young parent and felt ready. We took the plunge, and he became primary parent while I became primary wage earner. It worked out well. I love love love being a parent, much more than my career, but I would never have felt ready, not the first time nor the second.
MM
Exact same situation, same age. I finally decided that if I was still debating it and wasn’t 100% sure I did not want kids, then on some level I was ready enough. My son is 13 months old and is the light of my life. The last year and a half or so have had some pretty deep valleys but also some peaks I never could have contemplate before having a child. I was worried I would regret having a kid or not really want to be a mom, but my son is the most special and amazing person I’ve ever met. I love him in a way I never imagined I was capable of.
LE in VA
Ask “why”. Why do you want children? If it is because you theoretically might regret not having children, think again. The problem is, the default is always to have them, but for many of us, that is just not the case. I never did, and have a deeply fulfilling, happy life as an aunt.
Anonymous
Honest question. I see so many parents posting about the joy love etc. they experience with their children. But I’ve never seen an explanation for it, really. Someone up thread mentioned that most of the comments here are about babies/toddlers. But isn’t that joy/love whatever just biological programming? In other words, involuntary? When your 3 year old says “I love you” isn’t she just parroting you? As kids do-that’s how they learn. But how can a 3 year old know what she means by that? Also how many people can she possible know? What’s her basis for comparison? Maybe she just really likes you, or maybe she just really likes that you bring her chicken nuggets or whatever. Does her “I hate you” at age 13 cancel out the “I love you?”
If I met another adult who told me they loved me without knowing me I’d think they were crazy.
I feel that I’m not being eloquent and I truly don’t mean to offend, and I’m not being purposely obtuse. I don’t have children. The way I feel about my own parents is complicated. And I have never been able to grasp the argument for having children, that it will trigger some previously unused receptors in your brain which compels you to feel that love that parents describe. Its like if I asked Alexa if she loves me. If I programmed her to say yes, she’d say yes.
In my 30 years I’ve come to the conclusion that a fundamental component of love is choice. When choosing a partner, chemistry counts and usually comes first. But couples who have deep, long standing relationships usual say it comes down to choosing that person every day, even on the bad days. That sounds like real love, making a decision to commit to someone in part because of the chemicals in your brain but mostly because you want to, you decide to.
You don’t get to make that choice with children. People always say their children as so wonderful, special, etc. but they’re just little DNA replicas. It has occurred to me that people are enamored with the version of themselves they see in their children. And as others have pointed out in this thread, you rarely hear people gush with the same enthusiasm about their grown children. Although I think at that point, when children are grown, you can actually feel something akin to love-by-choice.
I guess what I’m getting at is, is there anything beneficial when it comes to parenthood other than the obligation to feel love for them?
LC
For me it’s three things:
1- Being a parent is challenging and interesting in ways that continually change. Helping someone to grow and learn about life from the ground-up offers a new perspective on the world and a nice antidote to paid work.
2- Parenthood offers a different emotional dynamic than other relationships (in that you don’t have the option of divorcing or breaking-up with your kid). My toddler does stuff on a daily basis that I wouldn’t tolerate in a friend or partner, but I get to stick with her because that’s part of the deal. That sacrifice itself is rewarding and beautiful (even if it’s a kind of Stockholm syndrome it works).
3- Being a parent let’s you know someone in a unique way. I don’t expect my kid to look like me, be like me, or even love me (though I try to act in ways that make her feel loved), but interacting with her and watching her change is like a present that I get to unwrap everyday (sometimes the present turns out to be something awkward and awful, but the surprise and anticipation is still there). Even dealing with her when she’s being obnoxious can be rewarding because it’s part of a larger story story that I get to watch unfold.
Anonymous
I’m the anon above, thanks for this. Its very insightful.
Anonymous
The love I feel for my child is not something I really can explain to someone. It’s like trying to explain what it feels like to have a v*gina to a man. Maybe it is all “biological programming” but so what? That doesn’t matter to me more than the end result, which is that my kid is a funny, smart, sensitive, amazing human being. Yes, he’s only 11 but part of what’s amazing about being a parent is watching a baby grow into an independent person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I know we have some tough years ahead, but in my opinion, anything worth doing is hard work. And FWIW – I know lots of people who gush about their grown children; go talk to some people over 60.
Anonymous
This is the original Anon. Came back to look at this thread because I was curious if anyone else had responded. I think your comparison is apt. But the “biological programming” issue was the point of my question. Saying “so what” doesn’t really help, especially when I’m trying to figure out the appeal of parenthood other than that type of emotion. I think it does matter because, to me, it’s akin to being tricked. Heroin also gives people high highs and low lows, and makes everyday things seem special and wonderful. But the high is manufactured. Most of us wouldn’t say “so what” to a loved one with heroin addiction. From the outside, that special, wonderful feeling parents talk about when their 3 year old says “I love you” looks a lot like a fix, since the 3 year old can’t truly mean what they’re saying. There is no basis in reality for that feeling.
Another less, shall we say unsavory, example comes from a coworker. She told me she’d prefer Disneyworld on a sweltering summer day, in a crowd, with a screaming baby, covered in vomit or what have you, to a quiet day in the air conditioning. As a childless person, I have some strong feelings about the prospect of being covered in someone else’s vomit, no matter how old that person is. And i doubt she’d be as carefree about it if an adult puked all over her at Disneyworld. The takeaway from the conversation, for me, was that not only will a having a baby put you in objectively unpleasant situations, but your brain will dupe you in to thinking you like it.
Another coworker once told me that she loved her children, but hated her life. Does not compute.
Your 11 year old sounds like a great kid. What if the “end result” as you put it is that he becomes a less-great adult? I understand that parents love their children no matter what. But what if you’re not the parent with a funny, smart, sensitive, amazing teenager, or adult? This reads to me like part of your feelings about parenthood are self-congratulatory. Which, fine, as you say raising kids takes work and it’s ok to be proud of yourself when you do good work. But as he becomes that an independent person he will most likely make choices that you won’t like, that you disapprove of, that embarrass you. Serial killers have parents too. If it comes down to whether or not you can pat yourself on the back for the “end result” doesn’t it follow that parenthood was a profoundly negative experience for Mrs. Dahmer?
And FWIW I speak to plenty of people over 60. My own parents, for one. Their network of friends that I’ve known since childhood, whose kids I’ve grown up with. Most of my parent’s friends speak about their children like they speak about adult friends. Mostly positive, but not everything Jr. does is cause for exultation. If they even know what Jr. is up to (they probably don’t, he’s 35 and busy).
I appreciate your response, but on the whole, I’m still taking away that kids give you a manufactured high and a false sense of superiority that fades with time, along with your youth and money.
Anonymous
For anyone on the fence, I think the question is this: yes, you love your pre-kid life (pretty well established by now that kids aren’t a fix for anything), but is it conducive to long-term personal growth? For some the answer is yes- I have a friend who is always pushing her own limits with travel, sometimes by herself and sometimes with her husband, is pushing her career to places i can’t really comprehend, and is always pushing outside of her comfort zone with new risks and challenges. I have no doubt she will never regret staying child-free.
For me personally though, I loved my pre-kid life but always felt like it had a shelf life. Like the activities were getting monotonous and it was starting to feel like more of the same. I truly feel like I left it all out on the field in my 20s in terms of fun but entered my 30s ready for kids and the new challenges they would bring. At 33, I just had my third baby, and it is insane sometimes but it is the right choice for me.
Other qs that I think are helpful for those on the fence: if you had a week of three horrible days, one neutral, and three absolutely amazing, would you consider it a good week? I have always been the person to stay out late and have the awesome time knowing it would mean staying up all night the next night to slog through work or whatever needed to be done. At the end of the week, I’d forget the awful night and remember how much fun I’d had on the great one. I think this is part of what makes the chaos of a big family a good fit for me- the lows are low, no doubt, but the highs are really high. Balancing it out, kids are the right long-term fit for me personally. If i was a person who would rather have 6 good days in which I was totally in control, I’m not sure it would be as good of a fit. My husband is similar in this respect which made the decision easy for us.
I definitely believe that if you are considering kids, you need to be realistic about how terrible it can be sometimes. Our generation is fortunate in that we’re more open to sharing those challenges. But it’s also not accurate to say there is “little payoff”- for me personally, the payoff is real and constant even during the craziest stage of having little kids. The days are long but rewarding, the pride when they do something generous or brave is overwhelming, I’ve been forced to look hard at my priorities and narrow them which caused me to give up a litigation career that I hated and start from zero with a totally different legal practice that I love. I cut a lot of stuff from my life that turned out to be fluff that I don’t miss. And once a month we get overnight babysitters and my husband and I stay at a hotel, which is awesome.
In short, kids for me facilitates personal growth, which is why I don’t regret the decision. Some people already have a life that facilitates personal growth, which is why they probably won’t regret not having them.
No kids, no regrets
Overview (TLDR): 37, used to be ambivalent, no kids, no regrets yet
At 32, I had a lot in common with reader S. Ambivalent about kids, leaning toward no, wondering if I would regret not having them. I did not have a SO at the time. Over the next few years, as tons of my friends started families, I remained ambivalent. I’ve never been a kid person, but have fun being an honorary Aunt and spending time with my friends’ kids, and love giving those kids back to their parents and going back to my “real life.”
Sometime around 34 (still single), I realized that I was definitely ok with never having kids, but also felt confident I could be a good parent. I basically decided that if I ended up with a SO that really wanted them, I’d be up for it, but if I didn’t, I was totally fine with not having them. I feel like the answer to this question resolved itself for several other girlfriends of mine around the same time. One started looking more seriously for a SO that also wanted kids. Another decided they weren’t a priority for her. A single coworker decided she wanted a kid right away and became a single mom via a donor. For anyone that doesn’t feel confident about this decision, I encourage you to give it a little more time. The sense of “now or never” from a biological standpoint ramps up, and I think it helps to crystallize things.
I also, at the suggestion of my parents, who heard a family friend was doing it, considered egg freezing around that time (I think my parents would really like to be grandparents, but, thankfully, they are meeting that need by spending time with their friends’ grandkids!). There is also a test you can have done at your OBGYN to check levels of eggs. I decided that since I was fine not having kids, egg freezing wasn’t something I wanted to do. I watched a friend go through it, and it did not look fun. Holy hormones. This also feels like an appropriate time to mention that don’t need to give birth to make a family, fostering and adoption are great options, and for you single people, if you want kids, you don’t have to wait for a SO if you don’t want to.
Fast forward to today. I’m 37. I met my current SO almost 2 years ago. He has no interest in kids, and when I learned that it gave me a feeling of relief, mostly because settled the issue. I have no regrets and I don’t anticipate them. I love my life the way it is. When I look at the lives of my friends with kids, whether they are 2, 12, 22, or somewhere in between, I always feel happy that isn’t my life. I still think I could be a good parent. But I’m very happy not being one.
How to say "no kids for me" ???
Hey Kat, I would love for you to address how to answer “when are you having kids?” when you’re not planning to! Sometimes people make this an awkward conversation or say the wrong thing and I don’t know how to best address it.
Others please chime in! Lots of ladies in the no-kid camp here – what are you saying people to get your point across and shut down any further questions?
Anonymous and confused
I’m frankly surprised that with all of the different comments and stories here, I don’t see a situation like mine. My DH made me agree before we married that we would have a kid (passing on his DNA, not adopting), because he thought one day he might regret not having one. I’ve never had any desire for a child of my own but assumed I might at some point in the future. Now at 32, still no desire, but by now I’ve realized that my DH would not be anywhere near an equal partner in raising a kid. Most of it would be on me. It feels like either I need to come around to the idea of a kid real quick, or end the marriage, and neither sounds pleasant.
Anonymous
If you think your husband wouldn’t be an equal partner in raising kids I’m guessing he’s not an equal partner, full stop. It also sounds like his desire to have children is a type of conceitedness. Otherwise why the DNA clause? I know its important to some people but the way you phrased it makes it sounds like he was just looking for an incubator to cook his *special* genes into a kid.
I’m sure there is more nuance to your situation, but on the whole, my advice is not to shackle yourself to a person who sees you as means to an end, or that doesn’t support you in general.
Mercedes
Wow – lots of good discussion on here. My story is that I was certain I never wanted kids. I was never a “baby” person and found the idea of pregnancy terrifying. I wound up pregnant shortly before my 32nd birthday, had my daughter, and have never regretted it for a second. She’s the love of my life and fills my day with joy. Yes, it’s hard work, but I can’t even imagine life without her.
Also, and I’m sure I’ll get flack for this, but every childless older adult (50+) I’ve ever met is weird. I think having a kid gives you a certain level of humanity and understanding that can’t be gained elsewhere. Again, this is just my personal experience and opinion. Maybe you have an Aunt Susie who is child-free and well-rounded, and if so that’s great. I just haven’t encountered that.
Aunt Susie
I have been thinking a lot about this conversation since it was first published. The reason you see “weird” Aunt Susie is because she IS the outlier and you are attributing her weird-ness to not having children. Correlation may or may not indicate causation…if she DID have kids, she’d probably still be “weird” but with the street cred of kids…? There are plenty of weird mothers out there who don’t gain the humanity and understanding that you mention come with kids.
I think many women in the generation prior, or “50+” as you state, didn’t have the financial/job security to do the things women today can. I’m 36, completely ambivalent about kids (as is DH) and if I wind up “weird” at least I will be a ridiculously well-traveled, well-educated and financially sound Aunt Susie. I’m ok with that.
Anon
I was 32 last year and kept putting it off. DH and I knew we wanted children, but he said it was my choice when it happened. I woke up on mother’s day and decided I didn’t want to be sad on that day anymore. Our first baby is due March 16.