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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Side Inset Sleeveless Ponte Sheath Dress

Bold Pattern Sheath Dress: Ivanka Trump Side Inset Sleeveless Ponte Sheath DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reader K happily wrote in to recommend this dress, noting: “I just bought this fantastic shape-defining piece, so I don't mind sharing with the world!” Fun! I love the bright, happy color, and the waist detail definitely looks flattering. I'd probably tone it down with a long black or gray blazer until it's properly spring (March 20, so not that far) and then accessorize it with a white sweater or blazer as needed after that. I'd keep shoes and jewelry pretty muted (although I will note that sometimes red and light turquoise look darling together). The dress is $134 at Nordstrom; note that Amazon has it in pink for $40-$59. Ivanka Trump Side Inset Sleeveless Ponte Sheath Dress Here's a lower-priced option; two plus-size alternatives are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

207 Comments

  1. Super cute dress but I just can’t imagine spend money on anything related to the Trump family right now.

    1. idunno, Ivanka is a successful businesswoman in her own right. You can hate Trump while still respecting his daughter. They are very different people after all.

      1. Same. She support her father’s candidacy – which is vitriolic and racist. I just can’t.

        1. This. She is very very actively campaigning for Donald Trump. She is his #1 surrogate. It’s not just the name that is the problem.

        3. Agree completely. I used to respect her. But she’s now standing next to him on the podium nodding approvingly at every horrifying thing he says. I have no interest in supporting her brand.

      2. They have said they are one family brand. So generally I’d feel this way, given her support of her father’s campaign – NOPE.

      3. Yeah, but she supports him publicly and according to them I should be banned from the US, so I can’t in any way feel good about her products. I’m sure they want my money, but maybe not me publicly wearing their stuff, and overall they just don’t want me here and are jerks about expressing it.

    2. Yep. If she spoke out against his horrifying comments, that would be one thing – but why patronize a business that is associated with such misogynistic, racist, and generally awful comments? I wouldn’t buy anything associated with Ted Cruz or any of the other moron Republicans either.

    3. Just had this same thought. If nothing else, I feel like I would have something to say if my dad publicly announced that he would totally bang me if I wasn’t his daughter. Ew.

    6. Eh, I don’t feel like every clothing purchase I make has to be a statement about my political views. If you run with this logic, you’d constantly be looking to boycott various companies, products, musical artists, actors, etc. Her clothes are nice and I see zero issue with purchasing them.

      1. Yeah, it’s less of a big deal to boycott some random artist no one has ever heard of. We’re talking about the approving daughter of the potential horrid GOP candidate for President of the United States.

      2. Definitely agree that constant boycotts don’t make sense but Trump isn’t a random actor with a perfume line – he’s the leading Republican candidate for President and his daughter is very clear that she fully supports him. If there was ever a time to steer my fashion dollars based on my political views – this would be it.

        So many other pretty dresses out there to chose from that don’t support misogynistic racist political leaders.

        1. Agreed. My individual dollars may not make a difference but I choose not to use them to purchase from hobby lobby and chick-fil-a because I disagree with some of their stated policies. Those are my personal choices. There are other places to purchase crepe paper and fast food.

    8. I have some Ivanka Trump flats arriving today from Nordie’s because they were well reviewed and a good price and I just… I cannot… ugh they’re going to have to go back because I know every time I look at them on my feet I’m going to be bothered.

    9. I like Trump, both Ivanka and Donald. I hope he becomes president. Most of the people I know do too.

      2. Not the original Anonymous. For what it’s worth, when I took that political quiz on I Side With, my top match was Trump. The percentages for the other republican candidates were not far off but top was Trump. I was a bit surprised by this I guess but not too much since I’ve identified as Republican for a while. He may say some crazy things but his policies are not that radical compared to the party line. I will not be voting for him in the primary but know that many in my circle (of educated, successful professionals) will be. Even my usually Democrat, middle-class, parents and in-laws are voting Trump. Also, have always liked Ivanka. She’s educated, savvy, and successful. If anything, I would feel more comfortable with Trump in the White House with Ivanka than without her. I would think that every billionaire out there wants his or her daughter to be more Ivanka then Paris Hilton.

        1. Do you mind saying which policies in general you agree on? I feel like some of his actual policy positions seem to be kind of amorphous, vague, or just not realistically possible.

          1. (1) protectionism
            (2) protection to private institutions agains “social justice” type endeavors that will men in our bathrooms

    11. How timely, I wore some Ivanka ankle boots the other day, which I bought like 3 years ago, and felt like sh*t about it all day. I think I’m going to get rid of them, which sucks because they are the most comfortable heels I’ve ever owned, but I just felt guilty all day.

  2. This is a little too edgy for me with these colors and prints but I love the idea, especially as someone with basically no natural waist.

  3. I really like this for after work dinner and drinks or a networking event. As noted, likley will not be supporting Ivanka Trump anytime soon, though.

    1. Same. Sad, because I liked her brand.

      I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t actually an awful racist like her dad, but feels a duty to be a supportive daughter. My dad has some cringe-worthy political ideas that are far away from mine, but I would still show up to public appearances for him and carefully choose my words about his redeeming qualities. But her father is so gross, I just can’t.

      1. I think it’s equally as bad if she doesn’t hold those racist views but is still implicitly endorsing him by being present at events.

  4. The dress would look great without the shape-wear side panels; with them, it’s a bit of an eyesore.

    2. It reminds me of the “weather girl dress” featured here and on twitter a few weeks back. And does seem to me to look like something a newscaster would wear. Esp. the pink version on Amazon.

  5. I’m really frustrated and think I need some advice. My practice group has one partner and 3 associates in the office. (There are others that work from home but that’s not applicable to this problem.) We usually have two assistants serving this group, but the partner let one of them take 2 months off without bothering to worry about replacements (even though I raised this as an issue). We’re very busy right now and have a bunch of deadlines on different files. I am the only associate (although the most senior one in the group) working on this one file, and the other associates are working on another file.

    The assistant straight up refused to help me get a brief photocopied and served because she’s doing work on the other file but this is a recurring problem. I don’t know how to fix this and I am so frustrated because I’ve also been putting in crazy hours but because I’m the only associate working on the other file, no one has noticed and so I’ve been getting passive aggressive comments from everyone about how the other file is more important, and I’m lucky that I get to leave early (I’ve been working 11-13 hour days so not exactly slacking here).

    The partner isn’t in yet so I can’t even bring the problem to him but currently my deadlines (on his files) get missed because this assistant refuses to do the things that are designated as priorities. We’re looking for someone new but until then, I don’t know what to do.

    1. Not a solution, but I would make sure to send work requests to the assistant by email. If a real deadline (like a filing deadline) get missed because the assistant refuses to do her work, I would want the paper trail.

    2. Three thoughts. First, are you discussing deadlines with the assistant in advance? If I had a filing due Friday, I would send her an email (everything in writing!) on Monday, giving her a heads up and explaining when and how you will need her help. I might also give the other team a heads up by just forwarding the senior associate on that team the email as an FYI that you need assistant’s help this week. Second, can you borrow an assistant from another practice group? I work in a large firm so YMMV but if one of our paralegals is busy on another case, we can reach out to the paralegal supervisor to help us find someone with time to assist on a short-term basis. Third, it sounds like you’re planning to do this, but definitely alert the partner. It might not help, but even knowing you cannot expect assistant support on your case will let you know you need to rearrange your schedule so you meet your deadlines.

      1. Definitely speak with the other project team, they may have super high priority stuff (which it sounds like) and may not be able to share the assistant at all. If the assistant is working more than 11-13 hours daily, then they probably don’t have time to help you too. See if you can either get a paralegal from another practice group, or really speak with your partner about bring in someone new.

        When I was a paralegal, I had this exact situation happen to me. I was working 16+ hours a day for about a month, and another associate needed help, but I had no feasible time to, unless I didn’t go home or sleep. I told her that the partner expressly told me not to accept any work, and when I communicated it to the associate, she started screaming in the office and it was awful. Please check with the other team and the partner, I’d hate for the legal assistant to be thought of poorly for doing what she was told. Sounds like everyone is busy and maybe better communication about their needs and your needs (specifically for help) are needed.

    3. Are there other staff members in your office in different practice groups? I have a setup that sounds similar to yours and the practice groups occasionally borrow other assistants for overflow work. A transactional secretary couldn’t file for me but she could photocopy and scan papers. That way, the litigation secretary just has to upload and file the documents.

      Also look into what your local vendors can do and what their prices run. I didn’t realize until recently that the vendor we’ve always used for big print jobs can actually file stuff. The vendor costs about the same as staff OT, so we didn’t get client pushback. Obviously you’ll have to talk to the partner about both of these things, but they could be decent solutions in a pinch.

    4. I’m not an assistant, but I am support staff – and I’m wearing three hats right now due to a budget crunch. My workload is much larger than it used to be. I volunteered for this (for a pay bump) but did not understand how difficult it would be.

      Challenging issues:
      – Big workload, obviously.
      – Used to be able to handle interruptions and emergencies, no longer have the time. People don’t realize this and see it as a change in my work style.
      – Need people to do simple things for themselves that I used to be glad to handle for them; again, people see this as laziness when it’s really workload-related

      -And the most serious: multiple bosses. My bosses’ requests are often in conflict – they ALL want me to drop whatever I’m working on in order to take care of their projects. They ALL want me to be accessible all day to respond to their emails and minor issues. And naturally, they don’t communicate with each other; right now I have three big projects all going at once, plus day to day stuff, and even though not all projects are materially urgent, all bosses want them all done ASAP.

      If I can make a suggestion: have a sit-down with the other project team about how you’re going to handle the assistant’s time. Bring her in on this so you don’t make unrealistic plans. Can you sequester some of her time for your work? Can you work with the project team to tweak your deadlines a little? Can you and the other project team come up with a mutual calendar of big deadlines?

      It is probably also worthwhile to do some kind of weekly check-in with all involved parties so that everyone knows what’s coming up.

      Also, talk to the assistant and the other project team about how to decide when to refuse work. I can assure you, sometimes I literally cannot do the things that people ask of me in the timeframe they need, because to do so would mean delaying a more important project. This is particularly true when people want something like copying, downloading, scanning, etc, that I would normally be happy to help with but that I also know they are capable of doing themselves. It is important that the assistant be taken seriously when she says that she can’t do what you want to your deadline.

      1. So much this! That assistant is doing the jobs of two people! Please don’t see her refusal as her deficit, this is really the leadership’s fault for not getting staffing in place to support work… So help them see the issue and fix it. Please don’t put it back on the person with least control of the situation.

      2. One more thing: it is important that the bosses decide how work should be prioritized – otherwise you’re leaving the support person hanging.

        I am often in a position where I have to decide between, e.g, completing financial dox to the deadline given in our policy and finalizing all details for an upcoming conference presentation. I can’t do both to the same deadline and my bosses won’t give me guidance, so I end up choosing for myself. (Conference presentation and let the dox be overdue, in this case.)

        What’s happening is that my bosses hope that I will, by some miracle, be able to turn two large assignments around by the end of the day – so neither is willing to prioritize. If they leave it with me, they can tell themselves that maybe I’ll get twelve hours’ work done in eight hours, plus deal with all the daily routine.

        Don’t do this to your assistant! If there are dueling assignments, work with the other partners and give her a priority list signed off on by all parties.

  6. Has anyone here ever been “accused” of being in a relationship with or sleeping with a colleague when you actually weren’t? How would you deal with the gossip at work and being pulled into a meeting with one of the senior associates and cautioned about having relationships with colleagues? I don’t even recall ever meeting the person I’m supposedly sleeping with so I have no idea how this rumor even got started.

    1. I’ve seen this happen and notice that it’s often a certain kind of person who will be the one to voice those ideas, even if they are fabricated out of whole cloth, so to speak. The problem is that once the false gossip is put into words and actively voiced, the concept takes on a life of its own.

      I’ve never seen this play out well, unfortunately, but since I expect to see it more in my new firm, I’d like to hear more from others!

      1. Why would you ever expect to see this kind of behavior? It is completely unprofessional. If this is what you expect, please leave!

    2. Be very clear to anyone that confronts you that you are not in a relationship/sleeping with a colleague. Try not to get angry about it because others can perceive that as guilt. Other than that, there’s not much more that you can do.

      This has happened to be before…but I was sleeping with the colleague. Oops.

    3. This is serious stuff. I think you should go to HR and tell them what you told us – it’s a rumor and you don’t even know the other person. Also tell them you are uncomfortable with people discussing your sex life (real or imagined) and that you don’t want your manager to bring it up again.

      Be professional and to the point. Nip it in the bud. I’ve seen these things go very badly. Get the documentation done now.

      1. I agree. It may seem like overkill to go to HR, but you want this documented and stopped immediately.

    4. I had a situation a little bit like this. Unfortunately, it started because my work colleagues were trying to set me up with someone. I didn’t even “catch it” initially, which led to me not stopping the situation sooner. It was very unprofessional and forever associated me with this Mr. Perfect “match” in people’s minds.

      I was a new hire, the youngest, and this “perfect mate for me” was 10+ years my senior (recently divorced and very bitter) and a senior colleague to me that I would need to work with occasionally in another department. The other department was almost all men. For weeks, random very senior co-workers that I was only professional with in our daily discussions would drop hints about Mr. Perfect. At first I thought, why the heck is such a senior person sharing personal details/gossip of this senior guy’s life with me, and I would just ignore it and keep working. Then when they flat out started telling me “you’d be great with him”… I was shocked, and then flustered and uncomfortable….. I probably didn’t say the right thing fast enough. But I finally did say I do not date at work, although I wanted to yell at all of them for making me so uncomfortable. My bosses did this to me.

      It is truly awful when your SUPERIORS in your NEW JOB are treating you like a plaything and gossip about you and intrude into your personal life. I am also quite insecure about my appearance/personal issues, but have always been very confident and successful at work. This cut me down like a knife….. It was also clear that they all really liked this guy, so unfortunately, by not accepting their preference and dating this guy…. I was the bad girl.

      I don’t date in the office.

      I don’t date my close co-workers, and especially not my senior supervisors/co-workers.

      It ended badly for me. Like high school…..

      When I would walk in to the other department where this guy worked, guys would look at me/whisper/stop talking etc… They would ignore me as long as possible while I would be standing there waiting to review the document/ask the question (I’m in a very collaborative field, highly specialized that requires daily input from multiple departments). They wouldn’t allow me to receive the schedule for weekly meeting that I was supposed to attend when it was relevant to my work, asking me to call the night before each week and ask for the schedule. Of course, half the time I was so busy the day before (meetings all afternoon, with no breaks), by the time I called they were all gone or the person left didn’t know. So I would show up frequently at 7:30am and the meeting would have been cancelled… or irrelevant for me….

      Unbelievable.

      I finally left.

    5. Do you have any work buddies who can help squash that rumor if they hear it come up?

      1. But if it’s true, don’t ask them too.

        Signed,
        Attorney who was asked to squash rumors that were actually true.

        1. Ew, padi, that sucks!

          OP, this sounds like a good question to write in to Ask a Manager.

    6. I had a manager from another department imply that I was dating a coworker, because we were friendly. It started with little ‘wink wink’ comments and ‘jokes’, which I let slide, and ended with a closed door meeting in which I told him it was a) none of his business b) not true and c) bordering on harassment and something I’d be taking to HR. Any gossip stopped after that.

  7. Just looking to vent / commiserate. I posted about this previously. I had interviewed with a company last year and got all the way through the process but ended up 2nd choice (5 interviews later). I was told if there was as second position they would have offered it to me. I know, take things with a grain of salt.

    I was contacted the end of last month, that they had opened another position and wanted me to come in and update them with what I’ve been working on lately. It went really well. That was two weeks ago yesterday and haven’t heard from them either way.

    I sent a followup email on Monday, because I wasn’t entirely sure what the timeline was on this position and wanted to ask. I had also come across some industry news about the company and include a congrats on the news because was really good news for them, and yes I came across this in general industry research, I didn’t specifically look for the company. Still nothing….I know I need to apply, interview, forget, and keep applying but to be dragged into another endless interview process with this company is not what I was expecting. I know, would I like cheese with my wine.

    It doesn’t help that I also interviewed for an internal position at the beginning of January, and those interviews went well, but the job is still posted and I’ve heard nothing further about it either. I only mention this one because the position has been posted since December and company culture dictates filling open positions fast, because things can change quickly and positions can disappear (I’ve been here 13 years, so I get it).

  8. I’m looking to grow out my sparse eyebrows and the person who waxed my eyebrows yesterday (Adrian at Karma, thanks for the rec!) suggested EyEnvy. It’s really pricey. Anyone use it and have any feedback?

      1. Ditto to Bonnie – was about to post the same exact thing. Castor Oil is great for this (and so many other things)

  9. Sephora finally opened in my small town/city and I want to upgrade my skincare routine. A bit intimidated to go in and talk to a teenage salesperson about how to prevent wrinkles. Mid-30s w/3 kids so always look exhausted – genetic dark circles under the eyes and some dry skin on my forehead. Currently wear Neutrogena oil free moisturizer mixed with a covergirl BB cream in daytime and no real night routine. The most I can handle is daytime moisturizer + eye cream and nighttime moisturizer (and separate eye cream? do I need that?)

    Tell me what to buy/try instore!

    1. Wrinkle prevention- religious use of sunscreen and sunglasses and a bit of genetic luck
      Wrinkle treatment- retinol creams to reduce the appearance of existing wrinkles.
      No idea on treating dark circles, but I like the Benefit concealers for covering them.

      1. Thanks – will check out the Benefit concealers. Is there any particular moisturizer with sunscreen or retinol cream you like?

        1. I personally love Lancome Bienfait that has SPF. If I’m looking for extreme sunscreen (going to be out in the sun all day, not just my regular commute) I swear by Shiseido Ultimate Sun Protection Cream for the face. A little bit goes a long way and it’s SUPER waterproof. I have literally never gotten burned wearing this, even when I forget to reapply at the beach.

        2. For retinol cream, I’m using Paula’s Choice clinical (not at Sephora). I haven’t been using it very long, but so far so good. I like Supergoop sunscreen. For out all day at the beach, I use Blue Lizard or Badger.

          1. 2nd Paula’s Choice clinical retinol, just started this month, but I have mostly had good experiences with PCproducts.

      2. Completely agree with this. I’d advise a good sunscreen from Sephora or otherwise (I like Coola Mineral Face SPF 30 Sunscreen Matte Tint) and ideally a retinol, ideally prescription. Consult your dermatologist.

    2. I don’t really have product recommendations, but I’ve always found the salespeople at Sephora to be very helpful – knowledgeable and friendly and not at all pushy. (FWIW, I’m 40.) Also, sign up for their loyalty program, you get all sorts of samples.
      .
      For nighttime I use Clinique Even Better Skin Tone Correcting Moisturizer, but it sounds like our skin is pretty different (I’ve got combo/oily skin).

    3. First, you need to add daytime sunscreen to prevent wrinkles. Next, I like the Ole Henrikson line for anti-aging, but prescription Retin-A makes a bigger difference. Finally, I use the Clinique even better eyes dark circle corrector when I’m not wearing concealer over my dark circles. I’m not totally convinced it makes a permanent difference, but it does cover them up a bit on days I’m not wearing full make-up.

    4. I love both Ole Henriksen’s line. They have reasonably priced kits that allow you to try their products. I use the Vitamin C moisturizer and serum and I’ve used the Vitamin Plus moisturizer as well.

    5. Sunday Rose. Pricey, but 100% worth it. I recommend starting with the Luna oil and Good Genes.

      1. The brand is Sunday Riley. And I +1 both of these products. The Luna oil is a great starting point for retinal because it’s gentler. Something about the processing.

    6. IME the girls at Sephora are experienced and really helpful, not dumb teenagers like you might be thinking.

    7. Ask for samples so you can try a bunch of stuff at home. Nothing is more discouraging than spending $40 on a new eye cream and seeing zero difference. You won’t see a HUGE difference with a week(ish)-long sample, but it should enough time to tell if the product is worth the investment.

      Sephora recently had a 500 point box of anti-aging products. Idk if they still have it, but you might be able to get free samples of those products as a starting point.

      Oh and you should add an exfoliant to your skincare routine. There are a bunch of different kinds and I’m not sure the brands that are touted as anti-aging are really any different from those that aren’t. Try different kinds and see what works best with your skin. I use a mild BHA solution daily and a product with little scrubby beads (there’s probably a word for that…) 1-2 times a week. The scrubby one tends to do more for my fine lines than the BHA, but the BHA helps with my blackheads and oil. Ah, 30s. The decade of pimples AND wrinkles.

      1. I would discourage anyone from using products with microbeads. They are polluting our waters. Plus, physical exfoliants like microbeads aren’t very good for your skin. Chemical exfoliants (AHA, BHA) are much better.

        1. Not all scrubs use them. FWIW, you can also make a scrub with sugar or salt and oil (I use olive, but if it’s my feet, I’m really not choosy).

        2. Hmm I use only organic products and the “beads” more or less dissolve, so I don’t think they pollute the water. They’re not plastic or anything. Didn’t know something like that existed. Learn something new every day!

          1. Yes, I was referring to the plastic beads that are found in a lot of products. They’re so small they aren’t filtered out of the water at sewage treatment plants, and they end up in bodies of water including Great Lakes. Some companies are phasing them out of their products.

          2. They’re being phased out starting in 2017 and eventually banned in 2019 in America, per a law that was passed last year.

    8. Try Clinique 3 step system, or at least grab a bottle of step 2 clarifying lotion and give it a shot with your standard lotion. I swear by exfoliators like 7 Day Scrub Cream and clarifying lotion. It gets rid of dull, flaky skin and doesn’t cost a fortune.

    9. Whoops, I’m the anon above, I just pressed enter too soon. It sounds like you don’t have problem skin so you probably don’t need a super fancy skincare routine. The most important thing is sunscreen, and perhaps a serum with retinol or AHA at nighttime. Sephora has amazing customer service – you can return anything at any time even if you’ve used it, and they’ll give you samples of anything to take home, so take advantage of that.

    11. So jealous, I remain an hour from the nearest Sephora! I am a huge fan of Clinique Even Better Under Eyes Dark Circle stuff. I’ve been using it for over a year and have had wonderful results. It and mascara are now the two things I won’t leave the house without putting on.

      1. Completely unrelated, but I saw your post on the wedding dress thread and wondered which one you wore, but I think I commented too late. I got the Verona, but loved all the Dolly styles.

        1. I didn’t see you, sorry! Avila Bay with custom full lace skirt and pockets. Loved it!

  10. I’m trying to be religious about protecting my face and neck from the sun and would love recommendations for a good wide-brim hat that packs well for travel. The one I have now is kind of bulky and I’d appreciate one that doesn’t take up a ton of space in a suitcase. I’m open to straw hats or anything similar (nothing cowboy, though!)

    1. Travelsmith usually has a “crushable” straw hat. I’m sure they have other travel-friendly options.

    2. I got a wonderful one off of Amazon; click on link on my name. It has a great wide prim and is very packable. I’ve thrown it in and crushed it in my suitcase, and it always shakes out looking perfect. It’s

      I have it in black, but your post reminds me I wanted to get it in the classic natural/straw color too.

      The same brand also has a cute bucket hat that looks a bit sleeker if you don’t like the big/floppy look.

    3. I have a super cute wide brim hat from Goorin Brothers that has held up really well over several years! I also picked up a smaller straw hat at J Crew last summer. They had a pretty good selection last year. Both of them are not bulky, and I just fill them up with clothes in my suitcase.

    5. Check REI. I got a pretty, foldable “straw” hat last summer that I took on a beach vacation.

    6. I love my San Diego Hat Company hats. They are made of ribbon and pack well. I wash them in the machine (cold water) and air dry. I’ve seen them at retail stores including TJ Maxx but have also bought one on eBay, so I would check there. They have held up quite well and I wear them all summer.

    7. I have a crushable blue Wallaroo that I’ve been happy with for the last three years.

    8. The bathing suits stores in the mall often have a number of packable hats (esp. this time of year). Ours are called Bikini Village – every mall has them. I got a good white one – it looks like straw but its really more like a fabric/rope that I love.

  11. My post seems to have gone to moderation hell. Check out the Coolio brand on Amazon; they have great styles with SPF protection that are packable/crushable and always look great.

  12. Does anyone have recommendations for a company that does gift boxes for new babies? I was looking at Simone Leblanc but ideally I’m looking for something less expensive (but still nice!). I’m overseas but I have a friend in NOLA due soon and want to order her something from the US (rather than buy here and ship). Other non-gift box ideas also welcome… so far all I have come up with is trying to pick a bunch of nice stuff on Amazon and ship it together?

    1. This might be off-base because it’s food for the parents and not toys for the baby, but Zingerman’s has a new baby box (Midnight Feeding Care New Baby box, just googled the title) that I am dreaming someone will order for me when the baby’s born.

      1. +1 to the amazingness of Zingermans. Plus new parents can always use convenient food options.

    3. Check out Baby Box. It was founded by friends of mine and the box that contains all the gifts is also an awesome bassinet.

    6. There’s a fancy baby store in NOLA called Zukababy. I received several shower gifts and gift certificates from there, and they have a couple of gift bundles on their website. One of my favorite gifts was the NOLA Map Blanket from ELM Designs. It’s beautiful, soft, and a perfect, light weight for the warm, humid weather here. The store is pricey (I’ve never bought anything for myself or my own baby there), but it’s one of my go-to places for baby gifts. The employees have always been very helpful too if you call.

      1. Oh, if your friend might be into it, there’s a NOLA baby book that is absolutely precious. I don’t have one, and TBH, if I did, it would probably sit empty and sad on my bookshelf. But I’ve definitely cooed over it at someone else’s shower :-)

  13. Event: Friday evening party for all elementary school parents at a fellow parent’s house (which must be huge/fancy to fit that many people — it’s for an urban public school)

    What do I wear?

    I own work clothes and jeans and Athleta-type attire. My default is jeans, cowboy boots, some sort of cute jacket (weather will be 40-50s and damp). OK? Or DVF dress / black tights?

    Help! I don’t know a lot of other moms but I’d like to and I’d like to telegraph “friendly and approachable” and not “insane career woman who has no time so don’t bother to talk to me,” so I will be changing after work before I go to this.

    1. Don’t overthink it. Some moms work, some moms stay home. Dress as you would normally be dressed at this time of day.

      1. B/w 6 and 9 most evenings I am a hot mess and not even in Athleta (my nice gym wear — too “nice” to wear around the house). I have a load of casual warm weather dresses but in the winter it seems that wear enough polartec.

        Bleh.

    2. I would think jeans would be fine, but can you email the host and ask about dress code?

    3. I would do skinny dark jeans, nicer quality silky/dressy top that can be worn with or without a wool cardigan (cashmere or merino). Cardigan creates a blazer like effect if everyone else is in blazers (which I would not expect) and can be easily taken off it it’s warm (which it might be with a lot of people).

      or – skinny dark jeans + dressy black top+ statement necklace

      DVF dress with black tights could also work – not too officey/dressy but if you are overdressed, they’ll probably just assume you can straight from the office.

    4. Hahaha, the SAHMs will be trying to telegraph the same thing “friendly and approachable” and not “harried and hurried with no reason to put makeup on”

      You’ll fit right in!

  14. Is anyone in the Junior League of Washington? I’m a transfer and considering not paying my dues next week. I’m not enjoying the transfer program at all and finding that it is disorganized. I have such limited free time, and the idea of committing to a year of JLW is not appealing. I’m not having fun and not connecting with the women I’ve met thus far. (Also expectations are not being communicated and every requirement has a surprise extra task involved with it.) If you’re a die-hard JLW, can you help convince me to stick it out? I loved my last league and am sad that I’m not having a similar experience here.

    1. I was a transfer into the JLW years ago and had exactly the opposite experience! I found the women to be interesting, the placements to be varied and worthwhile, and, frankly, I think I liked that League because it wasn’t so structured. I transferred in from a League in Texas where few of the women worked, and placements for those of us who did were few and far between. I say give it another year and see if it’s any different; or, even better, work to make it the League you want. Good luck!

    2. Hang in there! I was in the JLW before I moved and just miss it so much! Half the league was lawyers (maybe moved into lobbying / nonprofits). I felt like college — so many interesting people from all over. 10+ years later, many of us are still friends and wouldn’t have met otherwise.

      I was ~29 when I started, so a bit older, but I found my niche (stationery / cookbooks) and felt like this league really wanted to have it work for busy ladies.

    3. Yay Kat! I love this Ivanka dress, but it is NOT for me to wear to Court b/c the judge is a dye-hard Democrat, and if I told him this was an IVANKA Trump dress, I could loose my case! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, the Junior League was a place I remember that senior’s at GW told me would be a good place to meet women who had rich freinds and brothers, so when I was a senior, I investigated, but b/c I was goeing back to NY, not haveing a job, I never went all the way of becomeing a MEMBER. I think if you are NOT married and want to find a husband, this is ONE way to connect with ladie’s who may know guy’s who are eligibel. Otherwise, you can ALWAYS run your own fundraiser’s for good causes. IN DC, men are difficult to pin down, so it may be a good way to make a connection b/c a guy will NOT just dump you if he know’s his sister/Mother/Aunt has to face you at the next Junior League meeting. He is also less likeley to take sexueal liberties with you for such same reason! YAY!!

    4. It makes me so sad to hear this! I am a JLW advisor (but for new members, not transfers). I tell my new members this all of the time: next year will be SO MUCH EASIER and different in a good way. Things get much simpler when you’re only communicating with your committee leaders and the 10-30 ladies on your committee. (And we have so many great committees to choose from. And the out-of-league committees meet all over the city, so you can pick a committee with a time/place that’s convenient for you!)

      It’s especially tough for new members/transfers, because you’re dealing with your advisor, your advisor’s boss, your mini placement leaders and all of the people who manage the one-off requirements. And you have to pray that they’re all talking to each other the way they need to be. In my experience, and from talking to my new members, this year has been kind of tough in terms of communication across the board. But, like I said, next year will be so much more manageable, and, because the committee leadership changes every year (for better or worse), things will be totally different next year. I would definitely encourage you to stick it out!!

      1. Thanks to everyone who responded! (An ELLEN response – I am so honored.) This is what I needed to hear, so I’ll pay dues and give it another year.

  15. Okay, this might sound weird, but I have a bathroom etiquette question. If there is a row of 5 stalls, and someone is in one of them, but the rest are empty, you don’t intentionally choose the stall next to them, right?

    There’s a woman in my office who always does this and it drives me insane.

    I also find that 4 days out of 5, when I go to the bathroom in the morning, there is someone just sitting in one of the stalls, and it appears that they’re not doing anything. I understand shy, but sometimes I’ll pop in to freshen my makeup, then go back 15 minutes later, and whoever it is, will still be there.

    1. So maybe I am crazy but often the restroom is the only place that I can get 15 mins of quite. I work in a loud cube, and sometimes I just need some quite to get my head on straight again, especially on busy days.

      1. HA this. There are days when I’m about to scream, so I’ll go into the bathroom and bang my head on the stall to get a moment of peace

    2. Yes people should go farther away, but the other person is probably pooping, leave her alone.

    3. Why in the world do you care so much about other peoples bathroom habits? I do try to leave a buffer stall but I’m sure she is not doing it intentionally. It sounds like you are weirdly going back into te bathroom when you were just there 15 min ago to check on people. My advice is not let what other people do in the bathroom bother you

      1. Yeah the going back in 15 minutes is weird. Why are you checking to see if they’re done?

      2. +1 to why do you care about any of this?

        Proper restroom etiquette is pretty simple – don’t stare at people, do your business in whatever time that takes you, and get out. This is also why i dont get worked up about unisex restrooms – as long as everyone is following these practices, it shouldnt matter if the person in the stall/at the sink next to you is your sex or opposite, your orientation or not.

        1. It matters because women don’t always feel comfortable sharing private, vulnerable space with men. Given the extreme number of assaults perpetuated against women around the world daily, it matters very much whether you are sharing private, enclosed space with males or females. I can be pretty confident that even if a woman is being weird in the bathroom (taking forever in a stall or awkwardly hanging out at the sink or whatever), she isn’t going to assault or r*pe me.

          1. +1

            If I saw a guy in any of the bathrooms I reagularly use, it would a sign to turn and run. I’ve seen them in clubs but would so not want this to be a regular feature of my life.

            It’s a Gift of Fear sort of reaction.

          2. If you and a guy are in an elevator alone, do you assume he’s going to assault or rape you, too? That is also an enclosed space.

          4. Actually, yes, I do get very nervous in an elevator by myself with a strange man. In this situation, I have been cat-called, sexually harassed, and called a b!tch for not acknowledging a truly invasive question. So yes, I think it is completely reasonable to be nervous about being alone in an elevator with a strange man.

          5. Noninterference is a great privilege that many women do not get to enjoy. If you have experienced this privilege, then I am very happy for you, but please do not diminish the experience of other women who have not enjoyed the privilege that you have.

          6. You do know that super-creepers will just enter a ladies room anyway, right?

          7. Is your fear response triggered by a man in a woman’s bathroom? In other words, is it because he is already violating a segregated space, and therefore may also violate other social norms? Or is there some characteristic about bathrooms more generally that feels more sensitive to you?

          8. Wow, I’m truly, genuinely shocked by the responses to my comment. If you are able to walk around and enter enclosed spaces with men all the time and feel great about, good for you – that’s something most women can’t say. Women gaslighting other women is a real shame.

    4. I honestly don’t really think about it. I just pick a stall. Most of the time I never even notice if someone else is in the bathroom or not.

      As for the long-sitter, some people with digestive/gastro issues take a while to get things going. It sucks and it can be embarrassing, but if you have Celiacs and accidentally consumed gluten or have IBS, it’s fairly common. Also can be an issue if you have constipation (which can be caused by many things, including some medications) or have a high-fiber diet.

      Just go about your business and chill. I’m sure the long-sitter isn’t thrilled with it either.

    5. I am with you on #1. It happens to me frequently and drives me bonkers. WHY would you choose the one stall next to the occupied one, where there are 4 other options available?

    6. I hate when people do this, but my current workplace only has two stalls so it’s unavoidable. It can be so awkward when one person is waiting the other one out to get some privacy, all in an atmosphere where you could hear a pin drop…

    7. Our office receptionist used to take her breaks in the bathroom, locked in a stall. I never understood why anyone would want to spend 15 minutes in a gross bathroom rather than going outside (we are in SF, not like there are weather issues) but she told everyone it was the only place she didn’t have to talk to people.

    8. That’s frequently me. Pregnancy has given me bathroom issues and sometimes it takes 15 minutes to get the job done.

      1. Me too.
        I havent been pregnant but I have IBS and when I have flare ups, it can be a long and painful process…

    9. I “always” have a favorite stall. Usually it’s the one farthest from the door/most private. So, yes, if there are five I might pick the one on the end even though it’s next to the only other occupied stall. One reason is because I’m a creature of habit. Privacy is the other. And then in one of my previous buildings, the stall doors were wonky on 3/5 stalls so I would only use two of them that worked because I got tired of the door opening unexpectedly! Or the TP roll not turning. Or being out of TP or seat covers. So yes, there are reasons why I might choose the one that I do. And I don’t think I’m weird on this.

      Regarding men using women’s, I had a guy push in (tailgaiting I think they call it) behind someone leaving a passcode-required private restroom and I did freak out. This was in an urban financial district and the guy was loud and obnoxious and you can bet I had security in there in one minute flat. There are some women (homeless, mainly, or street people) with whom I would not want to be in a restroom, but that’s not something I can avoid.

      And thanks to the person who posted that those of us with colitis or celiac might need more time in the stall, not by choice.

    10. I’ll only go in the stall next to someone else if there isn’t toilet paper or the other ones are gross but I figure people can hear me check the other ones first. Maybe it’s her favorite stall?

      And then get a mirror in your office… solves the makeup thing. I am the same though. I feel bad if someone has the whole bathroom to themselves to poop and then I am checking my makeup so I might come back. But I don’t do that since I got a mirror in my office. I put it behind my door so others don’t use it and it’s not like it’s a prominent part of my decor.

  16. Reposting from yesterday:

    TJ:
    I just finished my PhD in May and got a great 3 year postdoc at a place that probably won’t run out of money unless the apocalypse happens. People seems to like me, I’m already registered to teach next year, and the odds of me getting unexpectedly cut are miniscule. I managed to avoid taking on any debt but also left with not much in savings, particularly after moving expenses. (Thanks 30k/year stipend in NYC!) I’m super anxious about being behind on retirement, since I’m 30 and only now have the income to save with any seriousness. I’m maxing out my 401K and contributing about 1k/month to savings to build up my emergency fund. Given how the market is tanking, though, I’m really tempted to slow down on my emergency fund and toss some of that extra money at my Roth IRA. This seems like the time to buy and I do have unusually stable employment…..on the other hand, I’d like to hit my 6 month emergency fund first and am realistically 6 months away from that now. What do you guys think?

    1. If you’re maxing out your 401K, I wouldn’t open the Roth until you have a solid emergency fund.

      Perhaps compromise; when you get to 3 months of savings, split the money you’d put into 2–half goes to the Roth, half into savings.

      You are really young. Breathe! The market is going to go up and down 1,000 times before you retire. There’s always going to be a time to buy. Just keep at it regularly and dollar cost averaging will be your friend.

    2. Go half and half. Contributing $1k/month to your emergency fund can be cut in half — contribute $500/month to emergency fund once you have 3 months of expenses saved, and put the other $500/month in a Roth.

      2. This. You can only put a set amount into a Roth a year anyway. I think it’s $5500, so you can’t put $1000/month into a Roth all year anyway!

    3. I wouldn’t give up the emergency fund. There are reasons to have it other than job loss: what if you are injured and need to go out of work for awhile – my disability insurance only pays 60% of my salary. Or what if you get a great permanent job offer, but it’s across the country and they aren’t giving you moving expenses. Your savings buy you a lot of flexibility.

    4. Thanks guys; that makes sense. I suspect I have a psychological attachment to my Roth, since it was my only real saving vehicle in grad school and am suffering from a little bit of grad student finance PTSD. (I have to save everything and save everything now because I might be unemployed the day after graduation!)

  17. Today I woke up anxious. Sometimes this happens and it’s usually a reaction to a dream. The feeling tends to go away on its own when I start moving about. Today, though, not so much. I feel like I am on the edge of a full blown anxiety attack. Trying to keep breathing. I am truly unsure what the trigger was. I haven’t had a full anxiety attack in a long while. I am on daily anti-anx/anti-dep meds which have been great.

    Tell me something to help me get over this…

    2. I have terrible anxiety (on medication) and sometimes it just happens. There’s usually no real trigger–I just feel on the verge of a panic attack for no reason.

      I keep a panic attack kit in my desk. If you’re near a CVS or Walgreens you can make on quickly! I have a little stuffed animal that you can put in the microwave. I sit it in my lap or hold it, and the softness/warmth is oddly soothing. I also keep a snug pashmina–the wrapping feeling makes me feel more secure.

      Headphones and soothing music. Funny pictures.. A bottle of water. I actually have a dog separation anxiety diffuser in my kit :( It’s called Rescue Remedy and the smell is calming.

      I also always find goat screaming videos hilarious no matter what, so when it’s bad, I’ll put on my headphones and watch a few on YouTube to distract me. Find what makes you laugh stupidly.

      If NONE of that works, I pop a Xanax. My doctor gave me a prescription on top of my daily Lexapro for those days when my anxiety comes on like a freight train. I don’t like taking Xanax at work–it makes me a little too chilled out and then I just don’t give a crap about anything–but sometimes it’s the only way I can get through a work day.

  18. My husband and I will be in Birmingham, AL this weekend. The weather looks like it will be gorgeous, but I’m getting over an illness, so I’m not up for a ton of walking or exertion. We love good food and cocktails! Any recommendations for restaurants or things to do?

    2. Carrigan’s Public House has great food & some of the city’s best cocktails.

      Highlands Bar & Grill’s chef won a James Beard Award a few years back. It’s on the pricey side for the area but worth it. Hot & Hot Fish Club is run by another Beard winner but is super, super Posh White Southern. If you’re into that, good for you. I’m not.

      The J. Clyde is a reliably good place for local beers, cocktails, and pub fare. El Barrio for Mexican brunch, if you enjoy waits for seating and super delicious food & margs.

      There’re a number of local breweries with tap rooms, the largest of which is Good People. They’ve got a lively outdoor seating area with corn hole, horse shoes and so on. AL’s liquor laws mean there’s no food or mixed drinks though.

      Birmingham’s main tourist things are really Civil Rights Movement oriented. The Civil Rights Institute is pretty can’t miss. A lot of the docents and other staffers were personally involved in the movement and are great to talk to. There’s also a walking tour (a really short one)that’s worth checking out. The 16th St Baptist Church is near the Institute, but you’ll definitely need to plan ahead to arrange a trip inside.

      I like Railroad Park for hanging out outside. Sloss Furnace is… not for everyone. It’s an industrial/historical site you can poke around in. There’s a N egro League Museum, a jazz museum, and a motorcycle museum that are all fairly noteworthy. The art museum is pretty interchangeable with those in any small city.

    3. Highlands or Bottega for fancy dinner. Hot & Hot is overrated and service is not as good lately. More casual – El Barrio or Bettola.

      Great shopping in Homewood and Mountain Brook. Avondale is also a pretty up and coming area. Saw’s BBQ is great, as is Post Office Pies.

  19. Why do people join Junior League and what do you get out of it? I had to google it when I read the post about it above, and I’m wondering if it’s worthwhile.

    1. I joined because I wanted to do volunteer work in my community, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. The volunteer work also is better for my schedule. I have a friend who volunteers two hours a week on a consistent schedule at her favorite charity — I can’t do that because of travel for work and other obligations. JL lets me volunteer on a more flexible schedule.

      It’s also a great way to meet other women, many of whom I would not have met through my existing professional/social networks.

      1. +1

        I am a biglaw partner and it is a struggle to do anything that isn’t work, time-wise. My JL friends and contacts (2 leagues so far) have been wonderful and I never would have met them without this as the common connection. I feel much more involved in my community as a leader and a volunteer and feel so much less like just another person grinding away at a job. I feel that my work skills are better deployed than any pro-bono assignment and that I have very meaningful involvement in things that make a difference (so I’ve helped run a community thrift store, negotiated its lease, dealt with vendors, dealt with corporate support, etc.).

        I have daughters and would want them to join when they are older (but I do not want them to go to law school), if that tells you anything.

    2. Networking, networking, networking. Also, adding skills or learning new competencies to flesh out my resume. Also, it’s just kind of the thing you do in my large Southern city (our league has 2,500+ members).

      I get more out of the volunteering I do with my church or on the boards I serve on, so that’s actually not the primary purpose for the league for me personally.

        1. I think it really depends on where the chapter is. In southern cities a lot of the members are career SAHMs and you’re less likely to make professional connections. But in places like DC it’s fairly-professional heavy.

          I’ve often wondered if being in the Junior League in a southern city can be an obstacle to your career. A lot of my firm’s partners’ wives are in JL and I’ve heard them make comments about JL being for women who don’t work. I imagine (but don’t know for certain) that if they saw JL on a young female associate’s resume they’d make assumptions about her goals and how serious she is about her career.

          1. That hasn’t been my experience. I was in the Atlanta league which is one of the largest in the country. I’d say 80% of the members were working women. Judging from the number of lawyers I knew in the league, I’d argue that it was detrimental to a career. There was a joke about a large Atlanta firm that practically dropped membership applications on female associate’s desks because one of the senior female partners was heavily involved in the organization and was always championing participation.
            Now in a smaller, very southern city, and the league was similarly made up of working women and professionally well thought of as a worthy organization to join.

          2. Anon at 12:16’s description is spot on for my large Texas (which is admittedly not Southern) city. When women first join, it’s largely working women, but because SAHWs are so prevalent here in general, it becomes overwhelmingly non-working women in the later years. And many of the professional women drop out in the first year because of the time commitment, which leaves the women in less time-consuming careers who will be the first to admit they’re just biding time until pregnancy.

            I wouldn’t say it’s thought of negatively by the partners–I still had many encourage me to join because they are only capable of thinking “Woman! She must join Junior League!” when giving business development advice. But at the same time, the networking success stories I’ve heard are limited to the women who dropped out and stayed in touch with the other finance and law-type dropouts from their provisional class.

    3. Not trying to be snarky, but I always thought of the Junior League as being targeted at conservative SAHMs. Is that not the case? Or does it vary from region to region? I may have just read that into the name — the name Junior League conjures up sexist stereotypes for me (i.e. just us little women doing our thing while the big boys do real work). But I’m realizing that may be based on nothing at all!

      1. Yes, there are huge differences in Junior Leagues. Some require invitations and references, some are very flexible and open to any women. I think almost all the Leagues have websites now that would give you a sense of what the League focuses on in your area. I found that the League in my area had mostly professional women with flexible schedules (home businesses, real estate agents, etc.) and even though I enjoyed the women I met, the volunteer activities were all during weekdays and it was almost impossible for me to meet the volunteer requirements.

      2. Eleanor Roosevelt and Sandra Day O’Connor were in the Junior League. SDO was president of the JL of Phoenix.

    4. I’m the original poster from above. I joined JL because I needed to meet non-lawyer friends and I always told myself I would volunteer but I never got it together enough to figure it out on my own. It was nice to have a structure already in place and lots of options so I could find a volunteer placement that matched my interests. I met several of my closest girlfriends in the League in my old city, and I likely would never have met them otherwise. Still hoping for the same in the new League!

    5. I love it. I’m in the Silicon Valley Junior League. I meet lots of interesting, career-driven women from fields outside my own, make lots of friends, watch how women lead (I work in a very male dominated industry so women in leadership roles are rare, and I can’t exactly emulate male leadership styles), have a chance to practice leadership skills in a safe and supported environment… oh, and, serving the community. Many (most?) of the members joined to serve the community, but frankly I joined to network, build skills, and make friends. It’s been great for all of that. Plus, I have very little opportunity to step outside my privileged bubble in this incredibly privileged area so volunteering with the League really forces/enables me to do that without the legwork or extensive time commitment that volunteering on my own would require.

      1. I’m moving to the Bay Area this summer and was hoping to hear good things about their Junior League. This is so encouraging!

        1. There’s one in SF, another in Oakland, and another in San Jose, plus mine in Menlo Park. You have lots of options depending on where you live and work! If you’re transferring to mine, we should figure out a way to meet.

          1. That would be great! I’m moving because my boyfriend is going to school out there, so I’ll have a better sense of where I’ll be once he has decided which school he wants to go to.

    6. This is all really interesting. The junior league isn’t big in my area. However, im having some pretty crazy networking success with a different charity. Four years ago, I joined a local branch of an international charity with a reputation as being for older men. (hint: we’re an animal group). At first I was the only women and the only person under 55 (my father is a member) but everyone was kind and welcoming and i loved the work they did. I met really great people- no BFF-style friendships but awesome people who love having drinks and helping others. They recently made me the group’s president and all sorts of people are coming out of the woodwork asking to join us. Doctors and attorneys and local business people are especially interested. A town counsel person actually wrote me a letter as asking me to reach out to him. Oh yeah and a local newspaper did a story on me being the club’s first female president and used my picture -my boss saw it and was really impressed. I guess my point is that these clubs can be really helpful to your career/life even if they’re not particularly highbrow (which is how I always saw jl). And in smaller places, leadership roles are pretty accessible and even generate a little publicity. I think most service clubs are pretty for hungry members and it’s worth looking into them.

  20. You guys, I just…need a hand here. Regular commenter (for a looooooong time), but anonymous for this, because some of you all know me IRL and not all of this is public.

    My husband left me pretty much out of the blue five years ago. The marriage was in really bad shape – not fighting, but he was treating me awfully, never spoke to me unless he had to, never touched me except for s*x (which was infrequent), etc. Even so, the divorce was a shock and I was pretty shattered.

    After the fact, I learned through mutual friends that he had come out. I then struggled a lot with the fact that everyone was trying to be very supportive of his coming out and was kind of ignoring the damage he’d done to me during the marriage and divorce. Note that he was from a very liberal family (including multiple members that were already out) was highly supportive of him during this time, and would have been had he come out earlier, so it was also really hard to understand why he had to sort of grind me up as part of his process of reconciling with his s*xuality. All of that was its own emotional rollercoaster, although it was one I largely experienced in private, as I cut off contact when he left and didn’t speak to him for four years.

    I have a really awesome life now that I’m super-happy with – great job, lots of friends, good family relationships, and a rich community life. The only missing piece? You guessed it – I’m single, in large part because, notwithstanding therapy, prayer, and lots of effort, I’m so commitmentphobic that I typically can’t stick with anyone even past a second date. I’m just terrified of falling in love again, and having it all go so horribly wrong. I very much want to remarry. I very much want children. The clock, she is ticking. HARD.

    Yesterday I learned that my ex-husband is remarrying. It’s thrown me into an utter tailspin. Not because I want him (oh, I so, so don’t), but because it feels so unfair to me that after what I went through with him, that I’m still sort of broken inside (no matter how much I want not to be), and apparently he’s not.

    I wish I could just not care about this, because I have such a happy life now, but I do care. I know, the rain falls on the evil and the good alike, and all of that, but man, how I wish, for once, that it didn’t. Please tell me I’m not alone in, for once, not being able to be the emotionally bigger person?

    (Also, just to add to it all: he is marrying a woman. Which isn’t really relevant to how I feel – my upsetness isn’t affected by the gender of his new intended – but man, WTF?)

    1. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. And for what it’s worth, I think you should give yourself permission to be mad and sad and frustrated and overwhelmed and any other feeling you might want to entertain.

      You say “it feels so unfair to me that after what I went through with him, that I’m still sort of broken inside (no matter how much I want not to be), and apparently he’s not.” His getting remarried does not mean he’s not broken. His getting married doesn’t mean he’s spent time thinking about how to treat a spouse with respect, he’s improved his communication, he’s learned to be a better husband, – it just means he found someone who agreed to marry him. He could be as broken as he ever was and still uninterested in addressing that. I know it doesn’t fix that you still feel like you need to make progress with yourself to be happy with another person again, but it is a reminder that this event in his life isn’t necessarily proof that he’s happy, fulfilled, moved on, a better person, a better husband, etc.

      1. Thank you for this. I know that this doesn’t mean that he’s fixed (in fact, one of my first thoughts was concern for his prospective spouse…). Rationally, I definitely know that.

        I appreciate your kindness.

      2. Yes! Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. What a whirlwind! Also, I’d use all of the tools in my toolbox for something that big – therapy, xanax, wine, friends, exercise, writing (not all at once, don’t try jouranaling during spin class with your therapist and friends while drunk and on xanax, please.)

    2. Wow. You are dealing with a lot, and it sounds like you’re dealing really admirably. You just learned this shocking news yesterday, so give yourself some time to cope with what you’re feeling. Get outside, weather permitting. Go do something to totally take your mind off this for a while. Really big hugs.

    3. Gottabe, you say that the gender of your ex-husbands new partner doesn’t impact you but I read that and went ‘WHAT?!?!’. Here’s why I think this matters for you and why it would totally make sense if this sends you into a tailspin: based on the start of your post, you’ve rationalized his mistreatment of you as part of the process of his own internal struggle. This rationalization falls apart if he is marrying another woman. I don’t want to say this ending is good/bad/any value for him, but for you I can see how this would be a shock. In your shoes I would acknowledge being seriously wounded by this whole thing and give myself permission to try out longer dating periods again, if only to help move past this.

      1. This. I am so confused. Is he bisexual, or entering into another sham marriage? You kind of brush over this part but it is major. It makes your continued and revived pain so understandable — not that it wasn’t before.

        No advice — sounds like you are doing everything you need to be. Stay happy, live a fulfilling life, and continue therapy so you can open up to someone. I don’t know how old you are — but maybe look into freezing your eggs? This guy set you back and that is one option to kind of get your time and life back with less consequence. Hugs.

        1. Thanks, to both of you. I think I was downplaying that piece to myself, but you’re right – I’m angry over that, because of the emotional turmoil I went through over that piece of it, and the effort I made to try to come to terms with what it meant about our marriage. That picture is now changing yet again.

          And honestly, I have no idea about the nature of the new relationship. The only way I found out was that I was googling myself (which I do fairly often just to know what’t out there) and decided to google my former married name to see what still came up under that. My married last name was very unique (as in, everyone in the US who has it is part of their immediate family – it was invented at Ellis Island when their ancestor immigrated), and when I googled myself, their wedding website came up. I don’t really want to reach out to our former shared friends about it – I’d rather *not* know more, if that makes sense. (I moved away and eventually cut contact with all of our former circle.)

      2. +1. Something’s up there.

        Give yourself permission to feel sad/mad/pissed and time to heal. You are strong, intelligent, and beautiful, and this too shall pass.

      1. +1. Lots of hugs. I agree with PP that his marrying a woman is major, and if I were in OP’s shoes I would be feeling similarly. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling badly about this. It sounds like you have a good life and a good support network – give yourself permission to take emotional risks, knowing that you have good people to rely on for any setbacks.

    5. I’m so sorry. I don’t have much advice for you, but I commiserate. I know I didn’t go through anything like what you did, but I posted here several years ago about my then-BF who told me I’m too loose, physically, down there. A year after we broke up, I learned that he was engaged. I was devastated. How does a sh!thead like that get to be in this happy, loving relationship (they even have an adorable puppy, because of course they do) while I was too self-conscious and ashamed to even be intimate with anyone else? It’s so unfair. You want to feel like the world is a just place and horrible people get their comeuppance, but sometimes that just doesn’t happen.

      At some point, you just have to leap and hope for the best. I sort of tricked myself into moving past my issues. I met a fun, wonderful man and took it one date at a time. Alcohol helped. By the time I let myself care about his opinion, he already had a good one.

    6. Oh, I’m so sorry. I would be totally gutted in your shoes (especially because he is marrying a woman, for all the reasons the other posters here have mentioned – I really expected you to say he was marrying a man). I wish I had a magic cure for you, but I don’t, and all I can really say is hang in there. I hope you can plan something fun for yourself this weekend.

    7. I’m so sorry, that sounds so rough. It makes you feel any better, it sounds like he has a whole host of problems of his own that he’s now heaping on another woman. At least you aren’t her!! Hang in there and take care of yourself. You are WAY better off without him.

    8. Commiseration. Ex-husband who held me hostage in our condo with a butcher knife has moved on, happy marriage, etc., while I am alone and unable to trust myself or anybody else. I know I’ve made bad choices in men since, for example by dating a man who I knew would be a totally unfit husband just so the question of marriage wouldn’t seriously arise.

      I’m 35, broken, and alone. Therapy doesn’t help. And in the last 12 months I’ve noticed that I look just sooooo much older and feel older too. If I couldn’t find a nice man when I was younger and at my physical peak, who is ever going to want me now?

      1. I’m so sorry to hear your story.

        I hope you can have moved to a brand new city, and that you might consider medication at this point, if you haven’t already.

        It’s got to get better, right?

    9. One of my exes was a total sociopath (our relationship ended with me reporting him to the FBI for his shenanigans) and I still drank wine and cried in the tub when I found out he was dating someone else, and we weren’t even married. So you get to mourn however you want (obviously avoid being self-destructive). Time usually eventually helps in these situations.

    10. I am so sorry. While I’m shocked and puzzled by your ex-H’s choice of prospective spouse and echo what other commentors have already written, what also stuck out to me in your post was about the support he got when he stomped all over you during your marriage and the dissolution thereof.

      I don’t know if commiseration will help, but I’m still working on this in therapy. I walked in on my ex-H having sex with one of my coworkers in our bed and despite therapy and time, we ended up getting divorced. One of the things that hurt me most was how supportive our families (mine and his) and our friends were/are of him. He’s definitely the squeaky-wheel between us, with tons of facebook posts and in-person tears about how sad he is and how I abandoned him. I am much more stoic, as I was raised to be, and it’s not that I want sympathy or pity, I just don’t believe he deserves the amount he’s getting when he was the wrongdoer and he trampled all over my heart for the sake of random sex.

      It’s very frustrating and I don’t have any answers as to why it’s happening, but I will say that it bothers me less as time goes on. Plus I think people like that eventually out themselves (no pun intended)- in your case, I can’t imagine your ex-H’s family being as sympathetic when he’s now marrying a woman, after the whole “coming out” debacle.

      Best wishes to you, do lots of self-care and don’t be afraid to seek professional help!

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